Range 15 (2016) Movie Script

- You have
a collect call from...
- Ross Patterson.
- An inmate
at street justice films.
- Alright, so no shit.
There I was, on
this train to Paris.
- Will you shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up!
Everybody knows, okay?
Alright, here's to master
chief Bill Wizeniski
and Zack Kunkle.
- Every person
in the military says,
they day I get out, I'm
gonna party like it's the end
of the world.
- Good afternoon, Mr. best,
I'm gonna be your
public defender.
Seeing as how your actual
lawyer said and I quote,
"fuck him, let him
stay in there."
So, the court assigned
me to represent you.
Do you know what you've
been charged with
or are you too
drunk to remember?
- I was gonna have to hit
the refresh button, my man.
- Yeah.
How bout public intoxication?
- Do it, do it, do it, do it.
- Mat, don't fucking do it.
- Bro, he's gonna fucking do it.
- I'm gonna live forever!
- Fuck, not again.
- What the fuck man?
- Matt, give him
an r4 trauma bag,
it looks like he's got
a sucking ass wound.
- Nice shot!
- Disorderly conduct.
- Don't fucking do it!
- Freedom to fuck off!
Yes, yes!
- Indecency.
- Bro.
- I know.
He's gonna fucking do it.
- Hey, this taking lead?
- Hey, hey, watch the Prius.
- Oh, I just Lance
Armstronged your Prius.
That means I lost a ball in it.
- I bet your corp
watches the view.
No, but really I bet
it gets good mileage.
- What?
- Battery.
- Oh shit.
I fucking punched
Kesha last night.
I know this is gonna sound crazy
but I fucking love your music.
- Then show me, mat.
- You know that's a
fucking dude, right?
- What?
- That's a fucking dude.
- Fuck.
- Why you have to
ruin all the fun?
- Yeah, why do you have
to ruin all the fun?
- Fuck.
- Henry Kesha,
Duluth, Minnesota.
This is why you're also being
charged with a hate crime.
And that carries with
it a class a felony.
You normally get it reduced
to class c misdemeanor,
I'd have to the court
that you were homosexual,
which isn't much of a lie
based on your sexual advances
from last night.
- I'll take the felony, brother.
- Too late, I've already
plea bargained for it.
You'll be out of here at 9 am.
It will count as time served.
Tell us you just got
out of the service.
See a lot of guys
coming through here.
Word of advice, find
your next objectives.
Something you can live for.
Choose a new goal to achieve,
learn from your
time in the army.
Don't let it dictate the
entire rest of your life.
- I got a plan.
I'm gonna get out, make
some Internet videos,
get famous and probably
make a movie one day.
- Good luck making
a movie out of that.
Next thing you'll tell
me is you're making
t-shirts for vets and
selling them online
out of your bedroom.
- Actually.
- Alright
young man, here you go.
Hold on, you ain't going
nowhere without me.
You know...
- by the way,
how's your youngest daughter?
I heard she's turned 18.
- She's doing fine.
She's doing even better
without you around.
- Fuck you, bitch!
- Shut up!
Aww, it's good to
see you again, mat.
- You too, Wilfred Brimley.
- Huh?
- Got you too huh?
- Fucking
arrested all of us, bro.
- I'm sure you're all innocent.
Try not to fuck
each other in there,
it makes a mess.
- Oh bravo, Mr. best.
You know how long it's
been since I've been locked
up in prison?
Let me see, carry the two,
that's right, my
whole fucking life!
- Fuck you!
How was I supposed
to know that...
- Kesha, Henry
Kesha, you made bail.
- Call me if you want
to party and shit.
Your love's my drug, bro.
- Yet another great
night for Mr. best.
Let's go.
- Hey mat.
- Holy shit Jack, what's up?
- Not much, same old shit.
- Wait, you weren't even
at my party last night,
were you?
No, I got arrested on the way.
- So, we gonna...
We gonna talk about this?
- This, I was just
fucking around.
- I can see that.
- Some wise ass filled
her box full of epoxy.
I went to Wal-Mart
to get the removal
and they arrested me.
- Did you know it epoxy in
it before you fucked it?
- I had my suspicions but
everything speculation
till ya to jam
your dick into it.
- Here's what isn't speculation.
If Gene Vandenham were here
last night instead of you,
we wouldn't fucking be here.
- Actually, this is exactly
where I thought we'd end up.
- Fuck Gene and fuck
you for bringing him up
and why is Rocco in the hallway?
- We told the guards that he
takes prison rules seriously.
- What the fuck bro!
I ain't gonna fuck anyone.
- Oh sweet, we can
play who's in my mouth.
- No, fair, I'm out here.
- Jack, stop fucking the doll.
- Just hang in there
boys, there's something going
on outside.
Stay right where
you are, alright?
- Fuck this.
Rocco, can you get out
of those handcuffs?
- Bro, you know how
fucking big I am?
- Oh, what the fuck is that?
- Rocco, check your six.
- Hell yeah!
- Fucking killed man.
- Told you, big as fuck.
- Alright, let's let us out man.
- Yeah.
- Jesus, Rocco.
You just t-boned him
with a metal pole?
- What do you want me to do?
Glue him to my fucking dick?
- Is that what I think it is?
- Boys, I think our wildest
dreams just came true.
The mother fucking
zombie apocalypse!
Sweet fucker of the mother.
- Holy shit, isn't
this fucking awesome?
- It's Marcus Luttrell!
- For a second, I thought
you were Mark Whalberg.
- No, the little fucker
only played me on TV.
- Stop embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
- Bro, it's so fucking
good you're here, man.
- I know.
Hey, you guys have been
saving my ass so many times,
I'm gonna do it for you.
Come on, stack on me,
let's get your frogman up.
Don't worry about a thing!
Hey mother fuckers,
you want some of me?
- That was a short book.
- This is how I'm gonna die?
- Looks like we're the
lone survivors now.
- Alright boys, bring it in.
- Are you about to go
full officer speech?
- What?
No, of course not.
- It's confirmed
we're facing some type
of zombie apocalypse outside.
- Are you sure?
- Try to stay with
me, simple Jack,
but judging from our boy here.
Looks like a blow to
the head takes them out.
- That sounds like pretty
standard zombie rules to me.
- Now, did anybody see
any weapons laying around?
- They have some
Billy clubs over there
and someone else
chained to the bench.
- Billy clubs it is.
What about a vehicle?
- The bar is at least
15 miles from here.
We're better off hitting
the pd impound lot.
- Yeah, there's some guns
and shit over there too.
- Alright, what's the distance?
- From here?
Two, maybe two and a half miles.
- Ah shit, that's far.
- Aright, let's maintain
360 degrees of security.
Stay tight, we don't need
to take it in the rear.
- Like your mom?
- That's what she said.
- It's time to Vandanham up.
- Yeah.
- If you speak his name again,
I will slap you and your
mothers delicious fucking mouth.
- Somebodies jealous.
- He's right man, I actually
kinda like that guy.
- Come on, even
his lifetime movie
was fucking awesome.
I can't believed
he played himself.
- Hey Gene, welcome home.
- Gene, you're alive.
- That fucking guys not.
- They said your entire
unit died on the news.
- This my entire
unit, right here.
- Oh my god, it's been so hard.
Oh it's really hard
and so big.
- A soldier came home!
A soldier came home!
- The 27 minute sex
scene was a bit much.
- I thought it was tasteful.
- I had to jerk off twice.
- The only boner
I have right now
is for killing zombies.
You fucking ready?
Let's roll.
- Shit, you alright man?
- I think I'm hurt really bad.
Don't worry about me,
my ranger training
will get me through.
- That's the spirit bro,
were you in bat?
- Not anymore, I'm in delta
but I was in 4th battalion.
Just want to get
back to men, sarge.
- 4th battalion?
Bro, there's only three.
- I was special force.
I mean...
A top secret!
- Wait, I know this guy.
- What?
- He's not in the military,
he's an air-softer
that works at the DMV.
- Fuck stolen valor
and fuck the DMV!
- You mother fucker!
Piece of shit.
Bitches get bit.
- Hey guys, get over here.
- What?
- Range 15.
You have to get to range 15.
- What's range 15?
- Let's keep moving
and stick together.
Jack, you're already
doing a good job of that.
- Yeah.
- Want to get wet?
I haven't turned
all the way yet.
- Looks just like a girl
I used to fuck in college
- Rocco.
- That's disgusting.
- Alright, alright.
- No.
Is there anyone in there?
We're not infected.
- Move it along, shit necks.
There's nothing here for you.
- Whoa.
- Please just let us in,
we're survivors.
We just killed a
shit ton of zombies.
- Oh, did you?
Cool story, so did we.
Look guys, we're just
trying to say alive, okay?
We let you and
Mexican Jay Leno in,
you'll steal all of our ammo.
- Why would you say that?
- Listen, I'm not gonna
give a gun to his chin,
if you just let us
have a few weapons,
maybe a car, we'll be out
of your beautiful hair.
- Wait, are you mat best?
- Every last inch.
- We totally fucked last week.
- Of course you did.
- Sorry, what's up Eli?
- It's Eliza.
- Can we rekindle
this romance inside?
- Hang on.
- Oh my god, it's so big it
wouldn't even go all the way in.
- Eliza, the beard
and that tattoo,
what did I tell you?
- I love douche bags.
- Alright, fine.
We'll open the door.
- Alright, spread those
cheeks, I'm going in.
- Hello,
this is Robert Mcwilliams
with federal resources.
The bureau of civil
defense has issued
an national warning.
A disease of unknown
origin has spread
to pandemic levels.
There is no information...
- Uh, fellas?
Unlock me.
- Oh shit, Evan, what
the hell are you doing
chained up in the police armory?
- Cruised over here
to grab some gats,
when these fucking dirty
sluts rolled me up.
- This little
hipster looking fuck,
wouldn't share any weapons
and I had to cuff him.
- I love the way
your mouth speaks.
- What the fuck is that?
- Oh that.
It's what they call
the grunt Pyle.
- It literally looks like
seven men scissoring.
- That's exactly what it is.
- I know I'm stating
the obvious here
but you guys are
really fucking hot.
Like snap your fingers hot.
- And you're like the
2nd fattest in the group.
Are we good now, bro?
- I guess.
- What's range 15?
- That's where that fucking
soldier told us to go.
- It's a fallback
point for an ele.
- Wait, are you
guys military too?
- Yeah.
I'm ex IDF and she's my cousin.
- Wait, your Israeli?
- Yeah, I was like screaming
in Yiddish the entire time.
- No offense but that happens
a lot more than you think.
- A lot more.
- What's an ele?
- Extinction level event, Jack.
- Hey man, I'm really impressed.
- It says it on the map.
- God damn it.
- Well, range 15, that's
where we need to go.
- Oh hey, brilliant fucking
idea, tactical Tesla.
Here's another one, we
need to get weapons,
supplies and we need
to check in at the base
to see if it's still intact.
- Thanks, dad.
Prom ended at 11.
- You guys gonna come with us?
- No, we're all set.
We're just gonna
ride this out until...
- we save the world?
- You guys?
Yeah right.
- Listen here, oven mitts,
there's thousands
of them out there
and as bad ass as
you think you are,
you won't be able to
hold them off forever.
- Jesus could.
- Who is this fucking guy?
- Jesus?
He's our lord and savoir.
He died for our sins.
- Don't mind him.
He was Billy Bob's
stand-in in sling blade
but that's completely
irrelevant right now.
I'll protect you.
- And I will never fuck you.
We'll go but if shit goes down
we're hiding behind
the crimson chin here.
- Hey, what's with
all the chintrest?
- That goddamn thing is huge.
It's like do you have to
drink with a bendy straw or...
- can we stop playing
fuck, fuck, goose,
and just gear up?
- You know what guys?
For once in nicks life,
he's actually fucking right.
So wants a sweet
fucking gear up montage?
This is really
convenient for us.
- I feel like I just
blacked out on freedom.
- I feel like I got butt
fucked by Francis Scott key.
- Is there any dialogue
between you two
that doesn't involve
homo sexual undertones?
- Not one single time.
- Just keep your
body away from me.
- Holy shit!
Zombies one o'clock.
("What a wonderful world"
- Jack killed everything.
- Jesus.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Let's go, let's go.
- We should all take Camaros.
- Bro, this isn't swingers.
We're not taking 30 cars.
- What do you suggest?
- We can take the whisky
truck that they confiscated
the night I got arrested.
- I'll drive.
- You sure you don't want to
put your dick in it first?
- If he did, I bet
he'd fill it up with...
- premium?
- It's like you're
living inside of me!
- Bro, she's never
gonna fuck you, alright?
Evan, what the
fuck are you doing?
- Taking a piss.
- What happened?
- Fuck!
Fucking ripped my dick off!
- Hey, on scale
from shaft to tip,
how much did that fucker get?
- Shut up!
Get over here and help me!
- Come Evan, quit
dicking around.
- Fuck you.
- Hey bro, you
really got the shaft.
- This is worse than syphilis.
Fuck you!
Just fucking kill me.
- No bro, we're
gonna let you turn
and then feed you your own dick,
you cock sucker.
- Fuck you man!
- Hey Evan, there you go
- just fucking kill me.
- Hey no bro, I'm just kidding.
I'll kill you.
- Just like all the others.
- You guys ready?
Let's go.
To the whiskey truck.
- Fuck bro, I need some food.
Killing zombies really
works up an appetite.
- Hey man, be careful in there.
Do me a favor, grab your rifle.
- Do you see you where we are?
Pretty sure it's abandoned.
Anyone else?
- Anything that
rhymes with beer.
- It's great to see that the
zombie fucking apocalypse
hasn't changed you.
Grab me some kill cliff.
- Got it.
- I'll take some goldfish.
- That's a children's
snack, you fat fuck.
- I do have a
boyish quality about me.
- And it shines through
like heavens light on
to all of us.
- Anyone else?
- Seriously man, stay
away from the glass.
I don't want you
getting yanked through.
- Bro, do you see
how fucking big I am?
You know how big a
mother fucker would have
to be to fucking pull
me through a window?
- Surprisingly, I'm
with Nick on this one
because if this
was a zombie movie,
you'd be getting ripped
through that glass
right about now.
- Mat, this isn't
a zombie movie.
- Mother fucker, let's
go, let's go, let's go.
- Shit, did you see the size
of that mother fucking zombie?
- Fucking men.
- Are you infected?
Answer me.
- You tell me dude.
Whoa, you gonna shoot
me for stealing?
- What?
- That's right, I'm
slurpees for free and shit.
What up?
Lights were out, so I
came in to get mine.
Know what I'm saying?
- Hey fuck stick, it's the
zombie fucking apocalypse.
You can literally take
anything in here if you wanted.
- Oh shit, for real?
God it's hot in here.
That's why I stripped down.
Skins a natural
coolant, my uncle says.
Level with me bro, shits
for real free free?
Cause I kinda feel like I'm
being mind tricked here.
- Mother fucker,
get the fuck out!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
Hey, doll dick.
You look like Randy Quaid
with downs syndrome.
- Randy Quaid is
an American legend.
I loved him in Chaddyshack 2!
Why'd you make me do this?
- Hey Rocco, Rocco.
- Shit, if he's a zombie,
I get to kill him.
- He's my fucking friend.
- It doesn't
matter, I called it.
He's like a 12 point buck.
- Oh my fucking god.
- Jesus tap dancing
Christ, what the fuck?
- You guys want to give
me a fucking minute?
- For the first time in
my life, I have no words.
- Is it weird that
I'm kinda in to it?
- You have a doll glued
to your cock, Jack.
So no, not really.
- This is some barrack shit.
I'm gonna get some
freedom fudge.
- I'll get some with you
too, don't tell Heather.
- Who's next?
- Is there supposed
to be that much blood?
- I hope so.
- Oh shit yeah, fuck!
- Okay, I'm good.
Time to go, Jack.
- I want one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You ready, zombie fucker?
- What, bro?
That's some bucket
list type shit.
- For who, a necrophiliac?
- Oh come on, she
didn't look that dead.
- Agreed.
I want you to know I'm
a perfect gentleman
and I would never fuck a zombie.
- So what if I
turned into a zombie?
Would you fuck me?
- Why, do you want
to turn into a zombie
and have sex with me?
- See.
- What I was answering a
question with a question.
- This bitch got enough gas
to get us to base, you think?
- I hope so man.
I don't think I can handle seeing
another zombie get fucked.
- I've seen worse bro,
you'll be alright.
- You know, I can't believe
you just fucking did that.
- I'm telling you, I found
love in a hopeless place.
- Did you seriously just
quote a Rhianna song
to describe sex with a zombie?
- I feel like I'm her
Chris brown, you know?
- You didn't beat her as much.
Terrible euphemism.
- Seriously.
- You know, I'm not ashamed.
The heart wants what
the heart wants.
- No, don't drink it!
- What the fuck, bro.
- It's a bad batch.
- He put viper semen in it.
- Well, a scientist did.
- Since is when a scientist
part of a distillery?
- You see, my dad's
old army buddy
is an amateur scientist,
he's the only one we knew
how could distill whiskey.
This was our first batch.
- An amateur scientist?
That would be like using
an amateur bomb tech.
That just shouldn't be a thing.
Is that toxic shit
even drinkable?
- I'm gonna go
with a soft, maybe.
We got trouble up ahead.
- I don't we can get
around this shit, man.
- You glorious fucks cover me,
I'll move the Humvee.
- Out of ammo,
going to the truck.
- Grab me some mags!
- Who's the punk bitch now?
Where the fuck are the keys?
Fucking Humvees
shouldn't have keys.
- Oh shit.
- Guys, hold you fire.
- Holy shit.
- Viper semen forever.
- What happened?
- Amateur scientist for the win.
I think we just found
ourselves a cure.
- You've got to be shitting me.
- Nope.
- Well, if the
colonels still alive,
we gotta get to him asap.
- I can not wait to see
the look on his face
when he finds out the cure
for the zombie apocalypse
came from you.
- Shit is gonna be
good, my friend.
Let's go butt fuck some zombies.
- Get back in your vehicle.
This is a secure
government installation
and you cannot walk around
here without a pt belt.
- Easy there, high speed.
This is my safety.
- No pt belt, no access buddy.
- Whoa, whoa whoa.
I was just testing you
and you passed.
Now, I don't have any pt belts
but what I do have is
some challenge coins.
Huh, huh?
- Is that real?
- Are those real?
- Oh, they're real my friend.
- The fuck outta here.
- There we go.
- Oh man!
- Now, is the colonel here
and more importantly
is he alive?
- Yeah he's alive.
He's at the jock.
Can we keep these?
- All yours.
Let's open that gate then, yeah?
- Okay, yeah.
- Oh.
- Just kinda.
Kinda put your back into it.
- Does it go that way?
It's a new gate.
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
- What the fuck just happened?
- The army's real
weird about pt belts.
- So to keep you safe, they
we're going to shoot you?
- Yeah.
- And they didn't
because of coins?
- You've got to understand.
Challenge coins are
like Po Kryptonite.
They're defenseless
to their power.
- You tell that shit for brains
I want no more excuses.
I want to hit them.
I want to know how
many are out there.
I want to know who's on...
What the fuck do we have here?
Mat fucking best.
- Colonel.
- Is that a blow up
doll you got glued
to your cock there, son?
- Sort of.
You see, I fell down
with my pants unzipped
and I just kinda...
- oh shut the fuck up!
- Alright.
- Now, gentlemen, stand down.
Let me have a moment
with this guy alone.
- Colonel, it's been a minute.
How you been?
- I'm surprised that you two
ass hats are still alive.
- And we found a cure.
- Are you serious?
- Serious as a heart
attack, my friend.
- In my office now, Mr. best.
- Got it.
- You stay here, Gomer Pyle.
- Love what you've done
with the place, colonel.
It's very, restoration
hardware meets mash.
- Oh, zip your dick!
Now, we found the cure,
is about the only words
you could of used to prevent
me from putting my foot
in your ass.
- What's with the
hostility, sir?
- Really?
You didn't fuck my
arm less daughter?
- This is way better
than a hand job!
- Daddy?
- What the fuck?
What the fuck?
- Shit!
I am pretty sure I would
of remembered that.
- Hey, daddy, do you
have the barracks keys?
- Coming in hot.
- What the stump fuck?
- Look at my daughter,
sergeant best.
Doesn't ring a bell, still?
- It's nice to see
you from the front.
- What is it, Mary?
- That special ops guy is
in the mess hall for you.
- Well tell him I
still need a minute.
- Okay.
- So, tell me about this cure.
- Why don't you tell
me how it happened.
- This isn't fucking clue!
Take shit seriously for
once in your life, mat.
A plane crashed coming
in from overseas.
We don't know if
it was on purpose
or if a passenger unknowingly
had the virus and spread it.
The disease spread like herpes
in a fort Bragg barracks.
Right now, all we need
to do is contain it.
Candlestick, library, go.
- Well as crazy as it sounds.
The guys and I have
been distilling whiskey
and let's just say
we had a bad crate.
- Bad crate of
distilled whiskey?
I'm not following.
- It was mixed with viper semen.
- That sounds like a
shitty Internet video
or the plot of a bad movie.
- As as ridiculous as it
sounds, it's the truth.
One of my guys
smashed a zombies head
in with the whiskey bottle
and they changed back.
- Where's this whiskey now?
- It's safe in the mess hall.
- With the guy from of mice
and men and the chubby one?
- I like to consider it the
ranger up and article 15.
- I'll have one
of my guys grab it
and take it over to range 15.
- Why don't you
just test it here
and distribute it
amongst the people?
- Our building was compromised
and most of the scientists
were killed.
The remaining ones, we
sent over to ranger 15.
- Well then, we'll just take
it over to range 15 ourselves.
- Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna leave
the fate of the world
to you fuck offs.
- No offense colonel
but I trust us
more than I trust your guy.
Our guys are fearless.
- I bet I can fit 14
hot dogs in my mouth.
- I bet I can do 30.
- Why would you want to do that?
- Because we're fearless!
- I prefer my guy.
- And who the fuck is your guy?
- Sergeant major Gene Vandenham.
Have you heard of him?
- Yeah, I've fucking
heard of him.
Fuck Gene.
You know all that mother
fucker is is the little...
- hero?
Sergeant major Gene
Vandenham is America.
I fucking love that guy.
Everybody loves that guy.
Now, that's the kind man I
want to see my daughter with.
Hell, that's the kind
of guy everybody wants
to see their daughter with.
You know, I'ma be
honest with you.
I've been married
for over 38 years now
and if Gene Vandenham asked me
to take him in my mouth,
I'd honestly consider it.
- God man.
- You and your boys can
follow on a convoy behind.
That will be all, sergeant.
- Thanks.
- And keep your
dick in your pants.
- I nub you.
- Asshole.
- So what happened?
- He said their
scientists are at range 15
and they want fucking
Gene Vandenham
to take the whiskey there
and we get to follow along
in a sweet fuck train.
- Fucking bullshit!
That's our whiskey.
- And our viper semen!
- Look Matt, sometimes
things can look pretty bleak
but when life gets hard...
- Nick, you promised.
- No officer shit, bro.
- Alright, alright.
Seriously, though.
If Gene takes the whiskey,
we've got a much better chance
of success.
- And a much better chance
that none of us get killed.
- I'm cool with that.
- I would of protected you.
- Oh yeah?
Let's see, go with the
world renowned hero
or a guy who shoved 14
hot dogs in his mouth.
- Dude, you dogged 14?
- No, that's not a
high five moment.
- Every moments a
high five moment.
- Oh god.
- You boys have the whiskey?
- Oh yeah.
- Hand it over, son.
- I'm sorry, I just...
- you, you, you, just
got lost in my eyes?
Relax, it doesn't make you gay.
It makes you compassionate.
- Oh, you're so right, Gene.
- I know.
There's my fat bottomed girl.
Thanks, guardians of the galaxy,
I'll keep an eye on
you in my rear view.
Stay close.
You too, second.
- Fuck did you just call me?
- Seconds.
That's your middle
name, isn't it?
- Mat second best.
This is like slam poetry.
- catch ya on the
dark side of the moon,
cheese squeeze.
Keep your ears buttered up
while I set fire to the rain.
- What the fuck
does that even mean?
- You know what it means?
You don't know where I've been.
Rodney king riots, 1984, I'm
driving through the streets
of and the
city they call long beach.
When a young African
American says to me,
"hey man, you some
kind of gi Joe?
Mr. Jarhead."
I says so what if I am?
And he says, "well why
don't you suck on my dick
and then lick on my balls."
And before he can
get that s out,
I squeeze the trig and
blew his brains outs.
The next day, the
riots were over.
The moral of the story is this,
why don't you walk
168 miles in my shoes
with 16 dead soldiers
over your shoulder
before you ask me what
the fuck that means.
Good day, fuck faces.
By the way, wear a condom
on that dick of yours
if you're eye fuck me on
the way out like that.
This is Gene's world.
- That guy is such a
fucking celebrity cameo.
- Hey man, I don't want
to fucking be here.
- Oh.
Hey, Ron Jeremy.
- Your indiegogo
campaign went so well
you can actually buy people.
- You're right, you
can go dude, thanks.
- Great.
- Gene's kinda legit.
- Gene is a douche bag
and he's treating all of us
like the fucking b team.
I'm gonna go outside
and get some fresh air.
Let my suck dangle.
- Grab a pic.
I knew before it even
came out of my mouth.
- Mat, can I come with you?
I haven't said
anything in a while.
- Sure, Eunice.
- Happy birthday, Matt James.
- Mat, are you okay?
- I'm fine, Eleanor.
- Eliza.
- Whatever.
I just hate that
Gene Vadendouche.
Everything get's
handed over to him
like I'm some
incompetent clown dick.
- I don't think your an
incompetent clown dick.
I think you're a...
- intense, strong, intelligent,
ripped like a pair
of Def Leppard jeans?
Hear it all the time,
but Gene's always
stealing the spotlight.
- Well you can
have the spotlight.
You can have two.
- Emily, we shouldn't
but we're probably going
to anyways so.
- Oh, can you do it in my butt?
I don't want to get pregnant
during the zombie apocalypse.
- Kind of hot actually.
Did you eat popcorn?
- Yeah, is it sharp?
- Oh god.
- It smells.
- You got to be
fucking kidding me.
- Oh shit.
- We love you, Gene.
We love you man!
You see his jawline?
- It's like an angel.
- I have energy, guy gives
me energy by his presence.
- I want to drink his piss.
- What?
- Huh?
- Come on, man.
- That dude always wants
to be the tip of the spear
but all I see is a
giant blue falcon.
- Yeah maybe but he's
got an up-Armour Humvee.
Not to mention a 50 Cal.
- And no one Manning it.
Fuck that guy.
Guys like that are
the reason I got out.
- Shit man, guys like that
are the reason dudes enlist.
- What the fuck is
this asshole doing now?
- Zombie!
You girls okay?
- Definitely could
of killed that guy.
- Sure you could of.
Look here, chap stick, I
don't need my asshole waxed.
A simple thank you, your
smajesty would suffice.
- Not to happen, Gene.
- Smell this fire,
smokey the bear.
The colonel just
phoned in by satellite.
The zombies are gaining speed.
They could overtake our
vehicles if we're not careful.
According to his Intel,
they're getting close.
- Wait, you have a
sat phone in your car?
- I got the 2018
Lebronze in there.
They give hand in
hand everything.
- Fuck.
- The colonel says
there's a helicopter pad
about 26 miles from here
that he wants us to get to
so we're not on the road.
Change of plans,
change of pants.
- Okay, so you want us
to follow behind you?
- Yes, but I'll be on foot.
Can you take the whiskey?
- What the fuck?
- I need you to take
the whiskey, dick
and hold it with two hands.
Can you handle that
soldier of fortune.
- I've got the whiskey.
- Someone has to protect us.
There's god,
then there's me.
God must be busy.
Lucky for, I don't
take Sundays off.
- Bro, that's gonna
be my next tattoo.
- I feel like I'm at the alter
and Jesus is packing.
- This is all so fucking stupid.
Why doesn't one of
us man the 50 Cal
while you drive?
- For the same reason I
baptized myself as a baby.
No one guards Gene Vandenham
but Gene Vandenham.
Take the whiskey and be grateful
I am who I am.
- Bro, 26 miles is
an entire marathon.
- I know, I ran Boston last year
and won 46 full kits
setting a new world record.
Try and keep up.
- What the fuck ever, Gene.
- Fucking Gene Vandenham.
- Fucking got it.
- Fucking Gene Vandenham.
- You all still realize how
ridiculously stupid this is?
It has nothing to
do with necessity,
just his own glory, right?
- Sure man
but look at that guy.
He's a one man killing machine.
I bet he even nukes those
two toddlers over there.
- No Gene, don't kill
the zombie toddlers!
- Their mission
has been aborted!
- Seriously hope he
steps on a land mine,
like five of them.
- Go, go, go!
I'll cover you.
- Gene, you're coming with us!
- Negative, no room.
Freedom is calling
and I have to answer.
- There is literally an
empty seat designated
for you, Gene.
- No offense, but
there's an empty seat
in every single plane in
the United States designated
for me.
Just remember,
when you turn back
and see only one set of
footprints in the sand.
It was then, that I carried you.
- Wheels up.
Fuck that dude.
Good luck getting out
of this one, Gene,
you cock tart!
- I got it!
- That is what Gene
Vandenham does.
He is the only American hero.
God damn!
Why are we going to range 15?
That place is probably
full of em by now.
- Number one, that's
where the scientists are
and we have the cure.
- What's number two?
- Pooping, pooping
is number two.
- It's like every time
I try and like you,
I just can't.
- There is no
number two, Grigsby.
If we don't achieve
number one, we die.
- Please refrain.
- You know how hard that is?
- Let him say it.
- Come on, dude.
- You're killing his spirit.
- I'm gonna kill his
fucking microphone.
- I can't believe it.
We're actually gonna make it.
- You fuck bag,
you just jinxed us.
- What?
No I didn't.
- Yeah dude, you did.
- That could give us
five seconds, rain man.
- Hey you feeling
alright up there, man?
You sure you didn't get bit?
- Yeah I did, right
before you guys showed up.
I can feel it
growing inside of me.
This is my last mission.
I just have one request,
if any of you make it,
go find my girlfriend,
she lives in El Paso.
Tell her I love her.
- Let's be realistic,
she's probably dead.
- What?
- I mean, come on,
it's the end of the world
with a bunch of bad
asses barely making it.
A hot girl in El Paso?
She's zombie shit by now.
Wait, do zombies shit?
- Rocco, shut the fuck up!
- I'm just being honest.
- He's right.
She's dead and I'm bit.
There's nothing to live for.
Your names JT, right?
Will you hold this?
You're up.
- We literally just told him
we have the fucking cure.
- We're gonna fucking die!
- Fuck me.
- I'll save us.
- You're not gonna
save us, fat boy,
you're probably gonna take
this whole plane down.
- I'm learning to fly
but I ain't got wings.
- We're all gonna die
because of your fat ass.
You fat, fat, fatty fuck!
I can't even fucking
believe how fat you are!
- Hey, I saved us.
- Fuck, fuck
the fucking whiskey.
- How many are left?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Two, two fucking bottles?
God damn it!
- Shut the fuck,
can we get the cure
and keep fucking moving?
I'd rather have us fucking
carry it, you know?
- Bro, I got to take
a tactical shit dot come.
- Shut the fuck up and let's go.
- We got to get into
one of these neighborhoods.
- I want my mommy.
- Salutations, do
you guys like jazz?
- You truly cannot
really enjoy it
unless it's on vinyl.
- That's right.
- What the fuck?
Fuck this, next house.
- Fuck this.
- Hey wait, wait.
You guys got any
supplies we can have?
- I got something that
will make your mustache
stand up.
Holy shit.
An anti gun family that
decided to off themselves
before they got infected.
- How does that 2nd
amendment taste now?
- Everybody hates
guns until you have
to choke fuck yourself to
death with a hot curling iron.
- Hey YouTube, this is
Chazz and Parker again
and on today's episode,
we're just ticked.
- Ticked, ticked.
You tell em, Chazz.
- I'm just gonna
unzip my zip here,
whip put my wee wee and
piss on these flags.
- There's gonna be 14
stripes when we're done.
- What the fuck is this?
- Oh hell no.
Back the fuck up.
- Baby killers.
- With great vengeance
- and furious anger.
- Hey, are you guys here
for the?
- After, we're gonna have an
organic Paleo kelp quiche.
- No, no, we're good bro.
- Okay, I'll eat all myself.
- I'm gonna keep working out.
- I'll never get fat.
- Hey man, you doing alright?
- Everyone's counting
on me for everything.
I'm not their leader.
I'm not a leader, I'm not
and to be completely
honest with you dude,
I don't think I can
do this shit anymore.
- I know the weight of the
world is on your shoulders
right now but it's
there for a reason.
Most people quit the
second things get hard.
You don't.
The annals of history
are written on the backs
of men like you.
Men, who when faced
with overwhelming odds,
when they reached
their breaking point,
looked into the bowels
of hell and smiled.
Men who answered the
bell for one more round.
You're one of those men.
We can do this, we
can rise up against
the impossible and
we can save the world
but we cannot do without you.
We need mat best.
Oh god damn it!
- Got you mother fucker.
- Fuck.
- Great west point speech, bro.
- Fuck off.
- Did you just come
up with that shit
on the spot or what?
- It's what we do.
- Alright, bring it
in, sister to sister,
mother to daughter.
- You son of...
- You guys do some gay ass
shit for being in the military.
- It's Thursday isn't it?
- I fucking hate you.
- It's a love
hate relationship, Nick.
- It's a hate hate relationship.
I fucking hate you.
- There she is, boys.
- That's range 15?
- It looks like a power plant.
- That's the point.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Fuck!
Fuck, it won't be long now.
- Don't talk like that bro.
- What the fuck do
you want me to say,
that everything's
going to be okay?
I'm gonna live
happily ever after
and you'll come back and fuck
me in some convenience store?
- Dude, she's different, bro.
- You know what?
So am I.
- Come on bro,
just take the cure.
- That only leave
us when one left.
- So what, they're
scientists and shit.
One is all they need.
- Yeah man, you need to
take it before it spreads.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah brother,
you're changing fast.
We have to administer
it, rectally.
- Uh yeah, it's
crawling up your leg.
Drinking it won't
be fast enough.
- Fuck that, I know you mother
fuckers are fucking with me.
- Baby, I don't want to
lose you, just take it.
- Bro, I'm the medic
man, we got to do this.
- Nick, is this legit?
- I hate to say it
man but I don't think
we have a choice right now.
- You mother fuckers better
not be fucking with me!
- Brother, you're going to
feel a little bit of pressure.
- Holy shit, holy shit,
it's fucking working.
It's fucking working.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Why didn't you
just drink it, fag?
- Gay!
- Oh so gay, bro.
- Get the fuck out...
Are you fucking kidding.
- You know I love you man.
- Just get the fucking whiskey.
Everyone spread out,
let's find a way in.
Anybody got anything?
- Nothing here, bro.
- Nothing man.
- I found something special.
- No, he didn't.
I found fat Val Kilmer though.
- Jack, you got anything?
- Nothing.
- Sweet, the colonels
daughter was easier
to enter than range 15.
- To be fair bro,
she had no arms.
- At least my zombie
girl had arms.
- There's no way you're
comparing the two.
- What are we gonna do
about getting in this silo?
- I don't know but you better
hurry up real fucking fast.
- Why, Elsie?
- Eliza, they're coming.
- Guys, we don't have
the ammo for this.
- Bro, we ain't got
the time for this.
- I'll get us the fucking time.
- Hey man, I told you.
There's no ammo in there.
- I'm not looking for ammo.
The most important thing
right is getting the whiskey
into the silo.
- Are you sure man?
- The cure is more important
than anyone of our lives, right?
- Jack, you fucking stupid cunt.
Guys found the entrance.
Push the fucking button.
- Everybody, lets
get inside, quick.
Fucking idiot.
- I'm sorry.
- Most people don't get
to decide how they go out.
Today I do.
There's a time to run
and a time to fight
and I ain't no bird dog.
- You must be the brave soldiers
that colonel Holloway sent.
This is the cure?
- It sure is.
- This is the cure?
What is in this shit?
- Whiskey mixed with
viper semen, sir.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, it's actually
a funny story.
You see...
- oh, I do love a funny story.
I will try now, I will
see if you full of shit.
Which I suspect you are.
Oh you stupid pieces of shit.
Get out!
Don't let the door
hit you on the ass.
- The fuck, bro?
I've seen this shit
work twice already.
- Would it just kill you
guys to pay attention
just once?
- Holy shit, what the
fuck just happened?
- I just saved your life.
You see the whiskey is
the primary element needed
to cure zombies but it requires
an adequate delivery system.
Kill cliff is that
delivery system.
It's unique blends of
caffeine and vitamins
creates a covalent bond
shell with the viper semen,
protects it, while it
infiltrates the zombie cells.
I kind of would of
that it been obvious.
- You this man is cured.
Kiwi, come here,
come here, come here.
- Aye aye, sir.
- Davis, get this to the lab.
Have them replicate it
as fast as possible.
- It will be a
pleasure and privilege
and to you gentlemen,
I say bravo.
- Bravo indeed, kiwi.
- It's hard to be excited.
Oh, that's a whole lot of
fucking freedom right there.
- That's a lot of
hard dick right there.
- God damn right.
- Mat, you're alive.
- Bro, I thought we lost you.
- Not gonna lie, I
thought I was more fucked
than JT on a low carb diet.
But then, the zombie slaying
dream team showed up.
- There's only a few pairs
of perfect cheekbones
in this world.
It would of been a
shame to lose yours.
- Besides, we let you die,
what were chinny chinny
bang bang and tactical Randy
gonna do?
- It's been a long
couple of days.
- I hate to break up
this little dick dance
but fixed wing assets are
showing a horde of zombies
heading right this way.
Our doors aren't
gonna hold them back.
- Fuck it.
You all wanna get nasty?
- Fuck yeah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
there high speeds,
you're not in proper uniforms.
Oh you're haircut
is way out of rank.
Get your hands out
of your pockets.
Why is your hand wet?
Is that a dick hanging out?
I went to college, I'm not
afraid of running you off...
- smell this.
- Was that your butt hole?
You need to shave.
I expect salutes
next time, gentlemen.
Oh shit.
Fuck you guys, I'm gonna
save the world all by myself.
Come on, mother
fuckers, bring it on.
- Just in case we all die,
I want you two to know,
huge fan.
I fucking love you guys.
- Wait, who are these guys?
- They're heroes.
- I'm sorry, heroes of what?
- What the fuck?
- Sorry bout your friend.
- Yeah sorry about
your loss and stuff.
Let's all take a
moment of silence
for Beatrice's sacrifice.
- It's Eliza!
- Okay, ready to
kill some zombies?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna miss you,
fucking stupid whore.
You fucking annoying bitch.
God you're so gross.
- I can't stop killing.
- Look up there, on the hill.
- I'll take the girl!
No, no, no.
Not my cucumber, no, no.
- Hey, why don't
we just fucking shoot em?
- Go home.
- That was easy.
- Oh fuck, is that
Randy couture.
- No, it's zombie couture.
- I've got this.
- Unbelievable, we are here
at the sold out range 15 area
and this desert
valley is electric.
- Tim, will you
stop dicking around,
we don't have any time for...
- shirts?
I know.
- Tim Kennedy versus
zombie Randy couture
is a fight that many
people wished for
but never thought
would actually happen.
- One has to wonder
thought how being a zombie
will affect the former champion.
- And that's the question
everyone's asking, Mike
Randy couture's always been
a very cerebral fighter
but with the lack of a fully
functioning frontal lobe,
how will this impact his style?
- I got an idea,
let's do this thing.
This fight is brought to you
buy north American rescue,
federal resources
supply company,
and the xtreme
couture gi foundation.
Now, here we go.
- Holy shit, I can't
believe this determines
how the fucking world ends!
Really fucked up,
like really fucked up.
- Kennedy appears to
have really been working
on his stand up game, Brian.
He looks very alive out there.
- I see what you
did there, Mike.
- He's rocked, Brian.
Kennedy could lose here
and life as we know it
could end.
- Hey, never count out a
Greg Jackson trained fighter.
Tim Kennedy was born to
be underneath other men.
- Hurry this up,
Tim, I'm hungry.
I want snacks!
- Fuck him up, fuck him up.
Fuck him, fuck him, put it in!
- He's got the Kimura, Brian.
But, it doesn't
really fucking matter
because he's a zombie.
- Got to admire the
toughness of zombie couture
and you really have to hand
it to Tim Kennedy here.
He's keeping Randy
at arm's length.
- I got my arm pulled off too.
Rip off the other one!
- Kennedy shoots and
he lands the take down.
Oh Kennedy's locked in
the rear naked choke.
That's in deep, Brian.
- But hey, couture won't tap.
Whoa, it as all over.
Great heads up
move by Tim Kennedy
to win that fight
and save our asses.
- Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
Fucking ruin his credit score.
- That's some bad ass shit, Tim.
Wait, why the fuck did we
leave our guns back there?
- How else are we gonna
have a final epic battle?
- Wait, epic battle?
I am so tired of you guys
smashing your dicks together.
Fuck this.
- Just when you thought
the night couldn't
get any more intense,
it's Danny Trejo's zombie.
- Who the fuck saw this coming.
- That's all me.
- Over my dead body.
- You know, Mike, Danny
Trejo was the San Quentin
boxing champion for five years
in two different weight classes.
However, one has to wonder
what a voracious appetite
for human flesh and an inability
to feel pain will do
for his skill set.
- Looks once again like
we're about to find out.
- I got this!
- Tom is making a classical
mistake here, Mike,
in that he really doesn't
know that the fuck he's doing.
Danny Trejo is a
certified bad ass
who now has supernatural powers.
- He's a little fuck, isn't he?
- Good initiative, bad judgment.
- Who's the mother
fucking hero now?
- Man, jumping on dud
doesn't meant shit.
Mother fucker!
- He's hurt, Brian.
- Now put a cat
tourniquet on this.
Come on, hurry the fuck up.
- I'm trying, quit squirting.
- I got this.
- Mike, it looks
like they're gonna
go with the team approach now.
In the military, we call
this an envelopment,
where you surround the
enemy and force him
to fight you on
multiple directions.
Or, they're just gonna
go at him one by one.
Like fucking morons.
- Straight shot to
the wedding tackle,
Brian, it's all over.
- And then he popped
his favorite sex doll.
Trejo remains cold as ice.
- Careful, guys.
- I'm big as fuck
bro, he can't hurt me.
- Wow, Mike, he just
chopped him down
like a wet pine tree.
Is it me or did you think
he'd have a better chin?
- Well, I think he would
of had a better chin.
We're down to two and
he's taunting them.
Trejo is really a
next level zombie.
- Yeah, I hate to say it,
cause it likely means
the end of the world,
but he's just at a different
zombie level right now.
- Eeeny, meany, meenie, Moe!
- Looks like
zombie Trejo's identified
his next victim, Mike.
- Wow, that was just bad.
- He's air force, Mike.
- And we're down to one.
Looks like Nick
is rushing Trejo.
Well that worked
out great for, tom.
He's teeing off, he
won't remember this.
- Like a goat at an
Isis convention, Mike,
he's fucked.
- What are we doing?
- We have to get to a
place of observation.
- Here comes the fatal bite.
Saved by Kennedy.
I'm worried here, Mike.
Tim is still exhausted
from zombie couture.
- Now, lets not count
Kennedy out yet.
As a special forces operator,
he's been in worse
spots then this.
- I'm pretty sure
that's not true.
- Trejo!
- Now what just one minute.
- Mat is still up.
- This guys kinda
growing on me, Brian.
- Like e Coli on
pig carcass, Mike.
- Thanks man.
- I owed you for earlier.
It's a fucked up day.
- I loved him in machete.
- Blue leader six,
this is striker 3-1.
Give me some Nam cans
on the remainders.
Get it out to me, Sandy,
I'd do it for you!
- We did it.
We saved America.
- America sure is
beautiful, isn't she?
- How beautiful?
- I want to see every single
one of you mother fuckers
in the hallway, right now!
- Morning, colonel.
- At ease, you son of a bitch.
I can't believe you did it.
- I can't believe
you doubted the team.
- That's just as well.
The president will be
coming in at 0900 hours
to address the nation.
He wants you front and
center with him on stage
as he makes his speech.
You're a hero.
- Sorry sir, but I'm not
going up on that podium
without the team.
We did this together.
- Selfless, I like that.
You and your entire
team can be on stage
for the big moment.
You guys did a great
thing for your country.
It's only right you
should all be there.
- Thank you, colonel.
- No, thank you.
You're finally living up
to your potential, mat.
And I was wrong about you.
You guys have a couple of hours
to go in and get
something to eat
and if you want to be on stage,
I suggest you figure out
a way to get that doll
of your cock, son.
- Sir, one more thing.
Did you just decide not
to shave this morning or?
- It's the end of
the world, fuck you.
- I'm sure the
scientists have something
to take your doll
of your dick, dude.
- What if I don't want it off?
- What, what do you mean?
- There is no glue.
It's just Velcro.
Tanisha, she's more than a
rubber fuck puppet to me.
She's therapy.
She's my security blanket.
My best friend.
She's the only person I know
that I can really open up to.
I mean really open up to.
She doesn't judge
me, she just listens.
- I had no idea man.
- Everybody thought
I went to Wal-Mart
to get some sort
of epoxy remover
to get her off my Johnson
but the truth is, I just wanted
to take her out on a date.
I love you, brother.
- Love you too man
but I'm gonna need you to
get your dick off of me.
- Alright, let me get a
little fresh air exposed
to it for a minute.
- Why don't you take a couple
and go regroup yourself, right?
Thanks, bro.
- I gotta bounce, bro.
- The president is on
his way here right now.
- Yeah, but I have
some stuff I got
to take care of bro.
- Shit bigger than
the president?
- Yeah.
Sorry, bro.
Gotta go.
- Are you hungry dude?
- Yeah man.
Let's go get some food.
You guys want anything?
- Yeah, we'll be
there in a minute.
- Alright.
- Crazy couple of days, huh?
- Yeah, I'm exhausted.
- So, I was thinking,
maybe after this whole
thing blows over,
you and I can like
get away or something.
- Yeah, fuck it.
Let's do...
You broke me down.
Let's do it.
Let's go to sandals Jamaica.
We just lay in bed
and order room service
for fuel to fuck each
others brains out
all day, all night,
is that what you want?
I'll tell you what, you
lose a little bit of weight,
get yourself down to a cool 185,
I'll make that happen.
- Oh yes, deal.
- Great.
You want some food?
There's a truckload of
freedom fudge outside.
- Well, I probably shouldn't.
Technically I haven't slept
so it's still my cheat day.
- Yeah of course, sure.
- In a few moments,
the president
will speak live about
the military containment
of the mysterious
virus that has plagued
the United States and
neighboring countries
in north and south America
for the last three days.
It is believed that one
of them is responsible
for saving man kind.
- My fellow Americans, as
you are all painfully aware,
the last few days since
the crash of an aircraft
carrying an unknown virus,
have been full of sorrow,
heartache, and deep despair.
We lost nearly half of our
population in the outbreak
and that's a loss...
- Holy shit, Marcus you made it?
- Damn right.
I'm Marcus Luttrell,
fucking live forever.
- Can't you seals just let
us have one fucking movie?
- Absolutely not.
- I hate to single
out individuals
but there is one
man who's courage,
who's actions, who's
tenacity stood head
and shoulders above all others.
This is a man who truly
understands the concept
of country before self.
- It's fucking you man.
- It's fucking us.
- He saved our way of life,
he saved America.
Ladies and gentleman,
sergeant major Gene Vandenham.
- I want to you know, you're
still 2nd best in my eyes.
I'm proud of the man you
might become one day.
- You know when I saw
that video of Gene
taken from one of
our space satellites,
I just knew that we would
have to give him yet another
medal of honor.
Well done, Gene.
What marvelous images, in the
midst of a zombie apocalypse,
Gene get's this
incredible video.
He took the crew and the
camera and shot it himself.
- Also, there's a
promotional video
that's gonna be out
of me killing zombies,
in about 13 days
it's gonna be $69.99,
that's eight easy installments.
- Lots of people
wonder what they would
do if the world is ending.
Our story might not be normal
but I learned some
important life lessons.
Tim Kennedy's abs
are to die for.
That was pun for
you, the audience.
Also, JT will never get laid
and killing zombies was
actually pretty easy.
Thanks global war on terror.
And most importantly, love
is the most powerful emotion
and Rocco, well he found
love in a hopeless place.
- God damn, mat.
Wake the fuck up.
Your phone's been ringing
all fucking morning.
- What?
Oh my god.
- What the fuck was that?
- You would think
saving the fucking world
would let you keep your job
but I'm fired, again.
- If you want, I can
always get you a job
as a janitor at the all
girls college I work at.
- Why didn't we
think of that before?
- Consider it done.