Ready, Steady, Ommm! (2013) Movie Script
Very good,
very good.
- Feeling fit, aren't you?
- No.
I've backaches,
headaches, tachycardia...
- Blurred vision...
- Timor Milts Extremis...
Fear of military service.
Will heal all by itself.
Are there cases of heart, liver
and kidney disease in your family?
Or tuberculosis?
A bit of everything.
Then you've got strong genes.
Sexually transmitted diseases?
Chlamydia? Genital herpes?
Alternately.
A lively sex life
is good for a young man.
Cough once, please.
You think I'm fit
for military service?
I've heard so many
exciting stories about it.
I'm so looking forward to it!
All this camaraderie
and... intimacy.
In the dorm, the shower,
the tent...
Some of my friends lost their virginity
in military training school.
- I'm wondering...
- That's enough.
UNFIT FOR MILITARY SERVICE
No!
Oh, man! Baby!
Did the Viagra work?
- Can't you feel it?
- Oh... wow!
READY, STEADY,
CHARLIE |
FIVE YEARS LATER
Relax...
breathe in through your nose...
Let's focus.
The energy moves to the front.
Something for
the heart chakra.
Thanks!
Thank you!
- Hello.
- Hello.
How was the apartment?
What apartment?
Didn't you check it out?
- I texted you earlier.
- Sorry.
I clean forgot about it.
I had to replace Johnny...
Hello you two.
- Hello?
- I have to check the plumbing.
- We're only leaving in a month!
-I don't care.
Nothing - again.
Only 2-bedroom apartments
for a fortune.
We should have started looking sooner!
You mean I should have.
I work at the hospital every day,
I am heavily pregnant...
I'm not Mr. Miracle Man.
Good apartments
are snapped up like hotcakes.
I'm sorry.
I'm a nervous wreck.
You know what?
I got one more idea.
- It's empty?
- Has been for along time.
Why? Is the owner dead?
- It belongs to my father.
- What?
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker,
are you going to war?
Brigadier Breitinger
is going to war against his own army.
No!
I'm in charge of
the army's budget cuts.
Start with your luxury car!
That's not on my list.
Looking at the new threat situation,
one could conclude
that another battalion
has to be dissolved this year.
- Not mine, surely!
- Why not?
- Requesting permission to pass.
- Forget it.
- Out of my way.
- Driver, march!
Out of my way, Reiker!
I'm expected in the capital.
Wrong direction!
Bern is that way...
- You really are an idiot...
- The GPS...
Goddammit!
"New threat".
Weiss, do you know
what the moron means?
When menu 2 is no longer available
at the cafeteria.
We're not giving Breitinger any reason
to get rid of our battalion.
Not the slightest...
not the tiniest.
No soldier swiping chocolate,
no boots lying around,
no dust on any rifle barrel.
This will be the most perfect
army refresher course ever.
Yes, sir!
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker's office.
Sgt. Weiss speaking.
It's... a woman...
I don't know any women.
Listen, Mrs...
Yes... I see...
Just a second...
Her name is Anna.
Anna, I think he's here.
Hello.
Hello, Anna.
You're looking really...
...-.pregnant?
Brought me old camouflage twigs?
Please come in.
This is Alex.
Mr. Reiker...
pleased to meet you.
Call each other by your first names!
- Alex.
- Reiker.
- Alex has cooked for us.
- Really...?
I got the dessert.
We're searching like mad.
- But either there are only hovels...
- Or they're far too expensive.
You've got to change strategy.
You're both working?
Alex teaches Yoga.
Part-time.
What's he doing for a living?
It's a super Yoga studio.
He teaches...
"Fit and Pregnant 1".
Watch out,
that's wasabi!
And what army rank has he got?
I'm unfit
for military service.
Looking healthy enough to me.
I'm a pacifist.
A pacifist...?
So am I
The greatest pacifist there is.
Unfortunately those
who are threatening our country aren't.
Dad, are you ok?
We have to leave this place in a month.
You wouldn't have a little tip?
Yes, "Riethalde".
What, your house?
I won't need it
before retiring.
A long way away...
That would be great...!
Under one condition:
Your Yogi Bear
comes with me to the army.
What?
My house in exchange for army service.
I know nothing about the army.
No problem!
I'm your lieutenant colonel.
The army refresher starts on Monday.
We'll be hanging around
distributing cookies to the kids.
- Not with my father.
- Or we'll crawl through the mud.
Why did we agree to this?
It was your idea.
How was I to know that my father
would come up with such crazy ideas?
What if the baby arrives before term?
It'll be alright.
Anna, I'm missing us already.
I'm missing us.
- You didn't get a haircut!
- Mom, stop it. Embarrassing!
I don't care.
If your mom tells you
not to choke your brother
with a plastic bag,
you don't choke him with a plastic bag!
Pass me mom.
I'll call you.
- Name?
- Stussi, Alex.
- Size?
Belt... flask...
When you want to go out...
- Stussi, done!
- Thanks.
Next!
Stussi... is going to war.
At easel
I'm welcoming you to the three
most beautiful weeks of the year.
Where a man may still be a man,
and a woman may also be a man.
There are some elements in this country
who think
the army should be abolished.
Far from it!
The threats have become asymmetrical.
But there are still many.
Key word:
army reform.
Key word: cost-cutting measures.
A soldier remains fearless
in the face of these two threats.
Battalion! Attention!
Battalion! At ease!
Off you go!
Private Stussi
is a newcomer.
Turn him into a proud soldier.
Group Weiss! Attention!
Standing at attention
you squeeze your ass
that even the bugs feel cramped.
Gentlemen, I give people hell
when I'm on duty.
- And I'm always on duty.
- I laugh only once in a refresher.
You'll hear me laugh just once
in the next three weeks.
Step forward one by one
and announce yourselves.
Today!
Chevalier, Cdric.
- Next!
- Mummenthaler Jojo...
Sergeant!
Von Wattenwyl, Gabriel.
- Is the therapy kicking in?
- I'm working on it.
Starting to look
like a bacteria yourself.
- Hey! Announce yourself!
- Same as last year.
Bartschi, Tschiige... Jurg.
Sergeant,
Ruegsegger, J.P.
Hello...
Stussi, Alex.
Alexander.
Got a surprise for you.
Your bike.
With three gears!
Cycle, push, carry.
Away!
Got something prepared for you.
Faster! Lower your ass.
Lower, lower...!
Make a furrow with your nose
and close it with your balls.
Come on! Faster! Faster!
Already here? Come here!
Get yourself into the mud bath.
It's wellness day today.
Today!
Wake up!
Ruegsegger, dead!
Chevalier, dead!
Mummenthaler, dead!
St us sit!
Stussi, dead!
Bartschi, dead anyway!
Dead! All dead!
You shoot escaping people
in the leg bones only.
This includes the coral bone,
the coccyx and the pubic bone.
Stussi! Are you dumb?
Stop firing!
Remove hearing protection!
Can you see all the way
to the front of the rifle?
In that case, take out
the frog hair brush to clean the scope.
What's that look?
Are you in love?
Sorry... can't find it.
Can't find no frog hair brush?
You know why?
Because frogs have no hair!
Where did you do your army training?
Now fire!
Hearing protection on!
Stussi, are you totally nuts?
- No automatic rifle firing!
- Sorry!
- Hey... hey...!
- Bartschi, shut your face!
Dinner's served, I think.
Stussi, clean this place!
Is this seat taken?
Oh, the spree killer!
Tastes like mad cow disease!
Might as well eat dry bread.
This is not edible.
Waiter!
There is a soup in my hair!
I want my money back!
No waiter here.
- You were saying...?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
Where's the problem?
- Nowhere.
-"Nowhere"?
Do you have any pepper?
- Just say stop.
- Stop.
Is that hot enough?
Enjoy your meal.
Anybody else want some pepper?
Did you see how she hit on me?
Ladies, having fun?
- Coffee? Espresso?
- Yes, please.
Private Stussi has just volunteered
to sweep the courtyard.
- Thank you for this offer.
-I only wanted...
Who is speaking?
Sergeant, Private Stussi.
And has he...?
-Yes, sir!
- Good. For all the others:
2 hours' leave. At 22:00, all moles are
back in their holes. Continue eating.
Look here, guys.
I had it specially made
for this army refresher.
- What is it?
- An otoko.
A Japanese symbol
for virility.
It's also a symbol for gays.
Are you nuts?
- So they recognize each other.
- Bullshit!
Take that back or I'll have you
eat your disinfectant.
-I saw it on TV.
- No, you didn't!
It's not my fault!
Bartschi, during this refresher,
you'll get it over and done with.
You should...
instead of always...
- Gentlemen, banana split.
- Thank you.
Yes, soldier.
There's a war on.
And the enemy is over there.
No... no...!
- Off you go.
- Bartschi, Bartschi, Bartschi...
So pretty and all alone?
Maybe you can give us
some ideas what to do?
Did you say something?
Flabby!
Calm down!
Did you call my mate "flabby"?
Oh, the seven dwarves are here too!
I would just back out.
Or I'll tie a knot into your cigarillo.
You should be happy
to be picked up at all!
A fight with women!
Never seen anything like it
throughout my career!
You stop that behaviour at once!
- Yes, sir.
- Dismiss!
Private Stussi, one moment!
Do you know who this is?
A plastic figure
standing on a tank?
Charles the Bold!
At Grandson his hat,
at Murten his castle
and at Nancy...?
What's the most important thing
a man can lose?
- The family?
- The blood.
At Nancy his blood.
My battalion is my blood!
What happens if my battalion
is dissolved
because of your pals' discipline issues?
What if...?
What happens to your...
- ...Commander?
-I...don't know.
He is discharged.
And if he is discharged,
who will need...
...his house?
A soldier grows with his tasks, Stussi.
You may leave.
- Today was a nice day.
- Today was a nice day.
- I had lots of fun.
- I had lots of fun.
- I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
- I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
- Thank you, Swiss army.
- Thank you, Swiss army.
- That's fine.
- That's fine.
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
...but they're only
inundating the bathroom...?
I know you're at your wits' end...
Speak to you soon.
Wow...!
An itch in my pants.
Here's what we got to do.
I'm organizing a bet.
The first guy to get
a nude picture of the cook.
Yes, a nude picture.
And the stake
is 100 Swiss francs.
Great!
- Your stake?
- Hey, man.
That's going to cause more trouble.
- Got only sex on your mind?
- Exactly!
The guy who screws her
gets double.
You're dead!
Shit, my phone!
I got the lady's G-string.
I can smell her honey.
Get a whiff!
J.P.!
You need to aim at that.
If need be, I'll hit your prick
from 100 yards.
- Yes, because it's so big.
- Sure.
Pussy, pussy.
Has anyone ever told you
what a sourpuss you are?
Jojo, give it to me.
I've just made my bed!
Give it to me!
- What's this mess?
- Room 110!
Chevalier, got trouble shaving?
St us sit!
What's that on your head?
- A G-string.
- Give it to me.
Come on!
Where did you get that?
Found it in the hall.
If you think you can just
arse around here for three weeks,
I'll rip your ass open so wide that
a plane can make a test flight inside!
- All I...
- Silence!
Private Stussi,
Kitchen duty instead of evening leave!
Room 110!
Checkout!
Room 110 checking out!
Thank you.
...looks at me saying "ular"!
This means snake in Indonesian.
You have to know which snake
to inject the counter-poison...
...you have to decide instantly...
So I decided to inject
all 27 counter-poisons at once.
The boy survived!
- How are we today, Mr. Kunzli?
- My name's not Kunzli.
- It's Moser!
- Alex?
- How are you?
-I'm at work.
- It's the same every day.
- But how is it?
- So so...
- Are they wearing you out?
No, not yet...
- You sound exhausted.
- Anna...?
- Yes, Rene?
- I need Mr Mosli's hemogram.
Got to go.
Chin up! I love you.
I love you too.
Is the baby ok?
You mix it up well.
What's it going to be?
Minced balls.
I'm Alex.
- Jessica.
- Are you angry?
No! I'm feeling just great!
You hate my food,
you spy on me in the shower...
- I'm sorry, it wasn't me...
- No, of course not.
You're a real gentleman,
you love my food.
You didn't bet on who was the first one
to get horizontal with me,
or to photograph me naked.
You're not the first ones.
Why is everybody always
getting at me?
All I want is survive
this stupid army refresher.
I didn't participate in the bet.
I'm just feeling bad!
I was in Libya
guarding the Swiss embassy.
Why are you no longer there?
Because of my dumb lieutenant.
He thought it was just great
to feel me up.
- So I had to give him a beating.
- Ok!
He wrote in his report
that I had it off with everyone.
Not easy for a woman in this club...
Tell me about it.
And now I have to cook for the babies
of the "Infantilery".
But not much longer.
If all goes well,
I'll soon be back where the action is.
Got to go.
Got something to do.
And you...
have been lucky...
What...?
Group Weiss,
stand in!
Your feet only touch the ground
when you change direction.
An inspection!
Pull your socks up!
Let's be an honor to the battalion.
- Got it!?
- Yes, sir!
- Good morning!
- Morning!
This is an inspection!
Yes, sir.
Readjust.
Not your cocks...!
What about your troops' discipline
and full alert?
Discipline and full alert at 100%.
- You sure?
-Yes.
Goddamn it!
Wash, don't scratch!
What on earth...1?
Medical service!
What are your idiots doing?
What are our idiots doing?
Lieutenant Colonel, Sergeant Weiss.
We have a situation.
The situation we have
is a situation...
It's a situation...
We're just... exercising.
Exercising? This looks more
like a catastrophe.
Let me explain.
Threats have become asymmetrical...
Asymmetrical, good. And...?
They increasingly concern
the civilian population.
This is why
we're exercising the evacuation...
Of people who are incontinent?
Of a birthing department...
Birthing department?!
Okay.
And...?
Those over there
are having contractions.
- The babies are due every instant.
- What about that man?
This is where fathers-to-be
are taken care of.
Oh, I see.
It was very hard for us
when Kevin was born!
The birth of Xaver, our second son,
was smooth sailing.
Caesarean section and out he came.
A great boy.
Congratulations.
Very good!
Soldier!
Continue!
I have a chili seed
under my foreskin!
I thought my cock was on fire!
What a stupid idea, our bet!
Far too dangerous!
Jessica got the hots for me!
You silly prick!
Soldiers! What do you see?
A fish?
That's right, von Wattenwyl.
Keen perception!
A totally normal, stinky fish.
Stupid, fat, lazy, degenerate.
Just like you.
And what's that?
- Another fish?
- Wrong, Chevalier.
This is...
...Helga.
A Siamese fighting fish.
For once a female
who can teach you something.
The stinky fish has fallen inside.
What's happening now?
This: it's kicking the bucket!
You embarrassed me
in front of the brigadier.
Socket fecundators!
You're a disgrace to the entire army.
We're going to make
reasonably decent soldiers out of you.
Sissies, that's what you are!
Watch!
Now it's your turn.
Hardening exercise!
You nuts or what?
Chevalier, no longer a sausage,
but a cock made of steel!
Impossible!
- Certainly not!
- Down with your pants! That's an order.
You take it back at once!
Want to be put under arrest?
Want to eat your rifle?
Calm down!
- What if there's another inspection?
- Oh, our nerd.
Poking his nose in!
Why were you spared?
- Did you butter her up?
- No!
Weiss, Stussi!
Are you Catholics?
Group Weiss, here!
Damn morons!
Now off to our beach party!
At least Jesus had the cross to himself.
- All your fault.
- Shift the center of gravity!
It was so nice before you came.
The inferiors got it in the neck
from the superiors.
It was so nicel
Stussi, we've come undone.
Stussi, come on!
- Left, right!
- Turn left, left!
Weiss?
Weiss!
Shame on you!
You're a disgrace to the army!
Desertion and violence
towards a NCO and a comrade!
That's the last straw!
Private Stussi, what are you doing?
Is it not obvious?
I'm leaving.
I've had it.
You see what
your troops' morale is doing?
You should be put under arrest!
Yes, all under arrest!
Great for the troops' morale.
What's that supposed to mean?
I asked what you meant by that?
It means that you're all nuts.
All of you.
To begin with, your sergeant
is an irresponsible lunatic...
He only tried
to maintain discipline.
And discipline...
Is putting chili sauce into one's pants?
You're no better, damn it!
No wonder you're treated like that.
You take turns in
wearing each other out.
So the battalion will be dissolved.
Strange that it didn't happen sooner.
You take care.
Stussi...
- Stop.
- What's it now?
This was really...
a very impressive speech, Alex.
And you're quite right.
We have to stop
fighting each other and learn
to develop more team spirit.
Because Sergeant Weiss
isn't available,
you're taking over his group.
Got it?
You analyze problems well,
and have psychological insight.
The man I need.
No!
I'm leaving.
I think it's a good idea.
Alex is right.
Our behavior was out of line.
You can't be serious.
We're sorry.
- Rather you than Weiss.
- Yes...
Your comrades are for it too.
We'll wipe the floor with them.
Why have you been monkeying around
since your arrival?
Difficult to stay motivated
with such crap food.
- Yes.
- Exactly.
Then do something about it!
Private Bartschi,
You'll help in the kitchen from now on.
Do it!
It's quite simple. Put marinade
on the inside and the outside,
let it soak overnight,
and then in the oven...
- Great advice!
-Yes.
- Help me a bit, will you?
- Sure.
Let's rub it in good and proper.
- Right. Doing well.
- Thanks.
And now the inside.
Stop gaping!
Manage on your own?
Hello, my name's Jurg.
And yours?
Anyone ever told you
you got a pretty ass?
Hello?
Everything ok?
I can't hear you.
Bad reception on the hill.
Hill...?
Rene has already moved
the most important furniture.
- What?
- He has also changed the mattress.
Our bed is too soft
for my current weight.
- That's why I have a backache.
- The chest of drawers?
- Into the bedroom.
- Ok.
Is he moving in with you or what?
Are you nuts?
I can't do it on my own!
You're not on your own!
I'm here!
No, you're there!
- But not by choice!
-I know.
But it's not easy,
four weeks before the baby...
It isn't easy for me either!
Can we argue some other time?
I'm exhausted.
Let's phone later.
- Yes, sure.
- Ok.
Bye...
Why are you looking so sad?
Trouble at home.
- Home is always trouble.
- With your girl?
Yes, with everything.
My girlfriend is pregnant.
What? You're expecting?
You don't know what you're doing.
Children are hell!
Your life... they wreck it!
I'd like to have a family too.
But that's not possible.
Too scared of...
The dust, the bacteria...
I fell in love exactly once.
When I was 12.
Her name was Jasmin.
Then I was transferred to another home.
I'm going all sentimental...
Hello?
Alex?
Can't you talk because of the others?
I'll do the talking.
Just say yes by tapping on the phone.
It's really strange.
I'm sitting here in Dad's house,
whom I don't know at all.
I hope he's treating you well?
So he isn't so pig-headed
and stubborn after all?
He has missed so much in my life.
All I had of him
was military chocolate.
I always kept a piece for him.
Because I thought he'd be hungry
coming home from war.
I think he realizes
how alone he is.
This is why he took you there.
It's his twisted way
of keeping in contact with us.
We are all he's got.
Good night, Dad.
Bartschi, still working away?
Private Bartschi!
Got the bird flu?
To hell with the others!
I just want to go home.
I miss my mom.
Do you also think that there is
only one woman for each man?
Yes.
Probably.
If only I met her...!
You will.
One day.
That's enough now, guys!
Grab a tarpaulin, each one of you!
Let's gather in a semicircle.
Put your legs parallel.
Put your arms in front of your chest.
Breathe in through the nose.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
And out.
In...
And out.
Let your breath flow.
Don't force anything,
don't suppress anything.
We rise our upper body...
Tense every little muscle...
Breitinger.
Goddamn it!
You shut your mouth!
- Stretch your limbs gently.
- Lieutenant Colonel!
Morning!
What are your men doing?
Perineal floor exercises?
Army reform 15.
Flexibility. Movement.
Relaxation, concentration,
inner peace...
Very good, Reiker.
- Your troops are dynamic.
- It's always been that way...
In that case:
"Operation Edelweiss"!
- What?!
- Yes.
- Damn! You can't...
- Don't touch me!
I just did.
And I can.
What's that look?
It's your chance. You can send
your best company.
If you succeed,
you keep your battalion.
If not,
I'll get rid of you.
-You're areal...
- Don't back out.
Your enemy could smell your cold sweat.
Continue!
"Operation Edelweiss",
of all things.
Breitinger, you devious
rotten bastard.
Asshole!
So... "Operation Edelweiss"!
A counter terrorism exercise.
Not some exercise,
but apparently the most difficult.
No company has succeeded
for ten years.
So we have no chance.
Battalion, attention!
The survival of this battalion
will depend on each one of you.
Now you can prove
what you fusiliers are capable of.
We have no chance,
so we must seize it.
We're the best, we'll make it!
Bartschi, you heck of a guy!
What's that severe look?
Can't I enjoy myself for once?
Caramba!
Hey, Jessica...
Delicious...!
Ren speaking.
- Hello?
- Hello?
This is Alex calling.
Anna is resting.
Can you wake her up, please?
No, she has to rest.
Extremely important
in her state.
I'm not saying it as a doctor,
but as a friend.
Your being away for so long
is not good for her.
I'm not doing it on purpose!
It might be seen that way.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're away just now
that your child is about to be born.
I'm only doing this shit
to get the house.
Maybe, yes.
What do you mean, "maybe"?!
I delivered many babies in Indonesia.
Sometimes the fathers
just disappeared too. Fear.
Are you out of your mind?
Are you still the right man for Anna?
Think about it.
Hey...!
What's going on?
Private Stussi,
with this solemn ceremony
you will be admitted
to our circle,
the band of brothers
of the Weiss Group!
All for a soldier...
...a soldier for all!
From now on,
you're one of us.
Subject to
passing the test of courage!
What test of courage?
Give me Helga back,
you swine!
Helga, you've got pretty eyes...
What's up?
- Damn cost-cutting measures.
- What's going on?
Out of gas.
Five yards. Four yards,
three yards...!
Two yards, one yard.
And... stop!
Almost full.
- I'll pay for everything.
- Super card?
No. But where can we take
a little wellness break at this hour?
I'm the boss of the house! Cheers!
What does that mean?
That's a tattoo.
- Cool.
- You think so?
- Beautiful soldier...
-I am who I am. Don't push me...
You prefer to talk?
I used to know what I wanted.
Suddenly everything
has become so complicated.
Avalanches falling in on me
from all sides.
Where is the fish?
Hold it!
- J.P., what are you doing?
- Keep it still.
Are you out of your mind?
I said I could hit your prick
from 100 yards.
Even a fish
wants to give me a blow job.
Jessi?
Stussi.
Did you have fun?
What's up?
Nothing.
My appeal was rejected.
I'm stuck here forever!
I'm sorry.
Maybe better that way.
Better?
Maybe you would have walked
on a mine in Libya.
I'd prefer walking on a mine
than wasting away in this place.
I said that to comfort you.
You know what?
I'd really like to be comforted
all over right now.
Shit!
Jessi...
-I can't.
- Why not?
Because...
Because of Anna, my girlfriend.
And that's occurred to you only now?
I'm a little pissed...
Get the hell out!
Out! Right now!
Jessi!
Feel the energy
pulsating in your base chakra.
Hey, Alex.
Got something for your base chakra.
Are you nuts?
To send me a photo of you
and another bitch?
- I know nothing about it.
- Sure you don't
And I have a guilty conscience
because Ren is moving our stuff!
You were supposed
to do an army refresher, not screw!
- I didn't!
- And what's that?
- Shit!
- The bastard!
Wicked guy!
Give me my mobile!
I'm doing all this for our home!
I don't want to share no home with you!
I'd much rather sleep under a bridge.
Stay here!
Go and do close combat
with your new lay!
Annal!
Tin soldiers!
At least you've won
the Jessi-jackpot!
You participated in this bet?!
- No!
- Of course not.
You've won the jackpot!
- No...
- Another bonus for you!
Soldier, hold this!
What am I supposed to do?!
- I've got to see Anna.
- Today of all days?
With "Operation Edelweiss"
on the program?
I've got to make it up to her.
- Before it's too late.
-I know.
I understand.
It's your decision.
Your commander can't help you.
I've got to go.
Come on, get on with it!
Faster!
We're no old maids on a hike!
Where's Alex?
Who needs a traitor like him?
Drive off!
Reiker, now for the real thing.
I got another surprise for you.
You see these balls?
For movement and flexibility.
- Thanks for stopping.
- Not at all.
Where to, soldier?
- Home.
- That's specific. Get in.
Gentlemen and officers.
Dear... lady.
Welcome to "Operation Edelweiss".
A group of terrorists
from the fictitious state of Burbezia
have entrenched behind this building
representing the Federal building.
They have taken
the Federal Councilors hostage.
They are threatening to blow up
...the Federal building.
The dirty bastards!
The first part of the mission:
invade the building!
Second:
free the Federal Councilors!
How many are there?
- Ammann, Sommaruga... Berset.
- Silence!
This is no crossword puzzle.
Third:
defuse the bomb!
Enjoyed your army refresher?
Yes... it was ok.
- And the camaraderie and intimacy?
- Pardon?
Dorm, shower, tent...
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker's soldiers
have exactly 30 minutes
to fulfil this mission.
If the bomb is not defused
by then, it'll explode.
Countdown!
You don't tell me
what's going to happen!
Nothing will happen
when you open your trap.
Ok, countdown!
Soldiers, carambal!
Don't touch met
Carambal
Let's get to it, guys!
No one shoots without my permission.
I'm wondering about...
Why I'm no longer unfit?
Exactly, soldier.
It started with my girlfriend
and me looking for...
-...an apartment.
- Girlfriend?
A complicated love life!
It's a complicated story.
One.
And another one.
And another.
And another.
The others have to do
the exercise without me.
I think they won't manage.
But...
But?
Shit.
- Can we turn back?
- Don't you need to get home?
Reiker, start thinking
about opening a graveyard.
Frontal attack on the building
They're amateurs!
Could we just turn back, please?
Without any comments?
Attack! Now!
What are you doing here?
No civilians allowed!
- I'm looking for Chevalier.
- What?
Cdric!
- Here you are!
- What are you doing here?
I tried to phone you hundreds of times.
- My phone's broken.
- You know what?
I've had it.
You're having fun,
leaving me
to it!
You've got to take over!
Chevalier, how's the family?
We've got to attack.
Impossible now!
This is a large-scale operation!
They can participate!
That will excite them!
You do whatever daddy tells you.
I'll come and get you later.
Give that back!
Sophie, where are you going?
Shoe shopping!
I've got to!
I'm having a burnout!
We missed the wave of attack.
What's up?
I said carambal
Attack! Everyone!
We'll be shot like rabbits.
Want to be put under arrest?
Want to be crucified again?
Stop, guys, stop!
Alex.
Watch out!
You're back?
Guys, now we stick together!
We're a team!
What about saving your relationship?
I'll do that later.
Stussi, this is no Yoga class.
We don't need you.
Yes, we need him.
We have a tiny chance with Alex.
- Daddy, got to go to the loo!
- Me too!
You can't do that now.
Hello, we need to pee.
Scram! This is a military exercise!
We need to pee!
- Listen, fatty...
- Fatty?
Have you just called him "fatty"?
I'll blow you away!
J.P., don't!
He called him "fatty".
- Wait here until I come back.
- We need to pee!
Stussi...
I think I've been hit.
Before I leave,
I've got to tell you something.
I sent the photos to Anna.
That was not so nice of me.
Sorry!
It's alright, Weiss.
Now we are even.
Helga's on my conscience.
Alex, got to move on.
You've got to take over.
I'm checking out.
Alex, Alex!
Bartschi, shut up!
Weiss, you're dead!
We should really move on.
Geronimo!
Shit, I'm dead!
Got one! Got one...
Bartschi, heck of a guy!
The Federal Councilors are here.
I hope they won't scare
the old-age pensioner volunteers
with their random shots.
A few more cookies.
Somehow I'm fed up
with the army.
Just because you keep losing.
We'll get new planes soon.
That'll change the picture.
- You're dead, darling.
- Yes!
Well done, little black sheep.
Find the bomb!
I wouldn't be so happy.
The most difficult is yet to come.
- We're dividing up. Bartschi!
- Here!
You look after the Federal Councilors.
The others...
Search everything!
We're the world's best army!
Don't, Cdric!
- Where did you do your training?
- I thought it was a black mask.
Sure.
No!
- They won't manage on their own.
- Another three minutes...
Requesting to leave!
Don't be scared.
Alex and the others will save you.
You think so?
You'll lose again anyway.
"Again"?
Like every year.
How often would we have been blown up
because no one finds the bomb?
Where is the bomb?
Stussi, not again!
Can I help you?
We've got to find the bomb!
- Have you got it?
- No! What about you?
We won't manage!
Soon all Federal Councilors
will be blown up with the nurse.
Shit!
Hold on!
The Federal Councilors
have a nurse?!
I'd better lock it,
in case there are more terrorists.
Yes, good idea.
Two minutes...!
Goddamn it!
- What's this sign mean?
- Nothing... "soldier".
How long have you been a soldier?
For a while...
I don't know...
-Is it fun?
-Yes and no...
What's up?
Something wrong?
What's up?
Mission completed.
We've done it!
Yes, thank you!
Don't touch me!
No touching!
Look who's a hot soldier now!
Guys, I've got to go and see Anna.
Where's the next train station?
Jojo! You told me
three weeks ago you'd call!
Sandra, I was fighting in a war.
But I only thought of you.
- You like children?
- Yes!
Sorry, I've got to do this on my own.
- We'll help you.
- No.
I know what he means.
All the best...!
Heck of a guy.
Good luck! Be seeing you.
We had a great time.
Don't take anything from her.
You'll do it!
See you next year.
Hey, Stussi...
Caramba.
- What now?
- How about some wellnessing?
I'll sit up front.
I think it's better this way
for both of you.
I lived with a tribe in Congo,
where it isn't necessarily the father
who raises the kid
with the mother, but a member...
Member sounds totally stupid.
Someone with a member
to stand up to such a huge task.
Annal!
- Alex?
- I'll deal with it.
- You're not wanted.
- None of your business.
I'm trying to help Anna cope
with your behavior.
Seen from a therapeutic viewpoint...
This is my therapeutic viewpoint.
Are you nuts?
What?!
Anna, I'm bleeding.
- You ok?
- Just get lost!
- Oh... | I see...!
- Ren...
Anna. Annal
You are right.
I was really unfaithful.
But not to you,
to me.
I did everything for our little family
to have a home.
And I want to continue to do so.
But | I can't do it
if you don't trust me.
- You and this other woman...
-Yes...
I almost fell in love
with another woman.
But I want you.
And I still do.
And you say so only now?
I wanted to help your father
to save his troops.
Are you a kind of hero now?
Kind of.
Where are all the others?
- Private Draga.
- Present.
The commander informs you
that your commitment in "Edelweiss"
- ...was totally selfless.
- Thank you.
- You have been promoted sergeant.
- Sergeant?!
Ok, and something else.
I have...
I have...
I suppose...
Missed that one.
- Ok, then it's... done.
- Thank you!
You may now coax, command...
Walk me off, execute...!
Ok, I'm taking my leave.
101 DAYS LATER
Our first trip without the baby!
I thought I was your baby?
Oh, what's happening up front?
Another Viagra?
No, that's completely natural. It is
this way and has always been this way.
At Grandson his hat,
at Murten his courage and at Nancy...
At Nancy...?
What's the most important thing
a man may lose in his life?
The dummy, that's right.
Look, here's your dummy.
Don't want your dummy?
No dummy?
Are you like your dad?
A little conscientious objector?
A hat, a cane, an umbrella...
One step, two steps...
Off we go...
Out of the way,
I'm expected in the capital!
Well, then...
Where's he going?
Soldiers, carambal!
You're under arrest!
Let's do that again.
Specially for you at home.
For Christ's sake!
Took off my hat too soon!
Sorry!
I hardly used your phone
to make calls.
Only twice.
To my brother,
in New...
...Zealand.
very good.
- Feeling fit, aren't you?
- No.
I've backaches,
headaches, tachycardia...
- Blurred vision...
- Timor Milts Extremis...
Fear of military service.
Will heal all by itself.
Are there cases of heart, liver
and kidney disease in your family?
Or tuberculosis?
A bit of everything.
Then you've got strong genes.
Sexually transmitted diseases?
Chlamydia? Genital herpes?
Alternately.
A lively sex life
is good for a young man.
Cough once, please.
You think I'm fit
for military service?
I've heard so many
exciting stories about it.
I'm so looking forward to it!
All this camaraderie
and... intimacy.
In the dorm, the shower,
the tent...
Some of my friends lost their virginity
in military training school.
- I'm wondering...
- That's enough.
UNFIT FOR MILITARY SERVICE
No!
Oh, man! Baby!
Did the Viagra work?
- Can't you feel it?
- Oh... wow!
READY, STEADY,
CHARLIE |
FIVE YEARS LATER
Relax...
breathe in through your nose...
Let's focus.
The energy moves to the front.
Something for
the heart chakra.
Thanks!
Thank you!
- Hello.
- Hello.
How was the apartment?
What apartment?
Didn't you check it out?
- I texted you earlier.
- Sorry.
I clean forgot about it.
I had to replace Johnny...
Hello you two.
- Hello?
- I have to check the plumbing.
- We're only leaving in a month!
-I don't care.
Nothing - again.
Only 2-bedroom apartments
for a fortune.
We should have started looking sooner!
You mean I should have.
I work at the hospital every day,
I am heavily pregnant...
I'm not Mr. Miracle Man.
Good apartments
are snapped up like hotcakes.
I'm sorry.
I'm a nervous wreck.
You know what?
I got one more idea.
- It's empty?
- Has been for along time.
Why? Is the owner dead?
- It belongs to my father.
- What?
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker,
are you going to war?
Brigadier Breitinger
is going to war against his own army.
No!
I'm in charge of
the army's budget cuts.
Start with your luxury car!
That's not on my list.
Looking at the new threat situation,
one could conclude
that another battalion
has to be dissolved this year.
- Not mine, surely!
- Why not?
- Requesting permission to pass.
- Forget it.
- Out of my way.
- Driver, march!
Out of my way, Reiker!
I'm expected in the capital.
Wrong direction!
Bern is that way...
- You really are an idiot...
- The GPS...
Goddammit!
"New threat".
Weiss, do you know
what the moron means?
When menu 2 is no longer available
at the cafeteria.
We're not giving Breitinger any reason
to get rid of our battalion.
Not the slightest...
not the tiniest.
No soldier swiping chocolate,
no boots lying around,
no dust on any rifle barrel.
This will be the most perfect
army refresher course ever.
Yes, sir!
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker's office.
Sgt. Weiss speaking.
It's... a woman...
I don't know any women.
Listen, Mrs...
Yes... I see...
Just a second...
Her name is Anna.
Anna, I think he's here.
Hello.
Hello, Anna.
You're looking really...
...-.pregnant?
Brought me old camouflage twigs?
Please come in.
This is Alex.
Mr. Reiker...
pleased to meet you.
Call each other by your first names!
- Alex.
- Reiker.
- Alex has cooked for us.
- Really...?
I got the dessert.
We're searching like mad.
- But either there are only hovels...
- Or they're far too expensive.
You've got to change strategy.
You're both working?
Alex teaches Yoga.
Part-time.
What's he doing for a living?
It's a super Yoga studio.
He teaches...
"Fit and Pregnant 1".
Watch out,
that's wasabi!
And what army rank has he got?
I'm unfit
for military service.
Looking healthy enough to me.
I'm a pacifist.
A pacifist...?
So am I
The greatest pacifist there is.
Unfortunately those
who are threatening our country aren't.
Dad, are you ok?
We have to leave this place in a month.
You wouldn't have a little tip?
Yes, "Riethalde".
What, your house?
I won't need it
before retiring.
A long way away...
That would be great...!
Under one condition:
Your Yogi Bear
comes with me to the army.
What?
My house in exchange for army service.
I know nothing about the army.
No problem!
I'm your lieutenant colonel.
The army refresher starts on Monday.
We'll be hanging around
distributing cookies to the kids.
- Not with my father.
- Or we'll crawl through the mud.
Why did we agree to this?
It was your idea.
How was I to know that my father
would come up with such crazy ideas?
What if the baby arrives before term?
It'll be alright.
Anna, I'm missing us already.
I'm missing us.
- You didn't get a haircut!
- Mom, stop it. Embarrassing!
I don't care.
If your mom tells you
not to choke your brother
with a plastic bag,
you don't choke him with a plastic bag!
Pass me mom.
I'll call you.
- Name?
- Stussi, Alex.
- Size?
Belt... flask...
When you want to go out...
- Stussi, done!
- Thanks.
Next!
Stussi... is going to war.
At easel
I'm welcoming you to the three
most beautiful weeks of the year.
Where a man may still be a man,
and a woman may also be a man.
There are some elements in this country
who think
the army should be abolished.
Far from it!
The threats have become asymmetrical.
But there are still many.
Key word:
army reform.
Key word: cost-cutting measures.
A soldier remains fearless
in the face of these two threats.
Battalion! Attention!
Battalion! At ease!
Off you go!
Private Stussi
is a newcomer.
Turn him into a proud soldier.
Group Weiss! Attention!
Standing at attention
you squeeze your ass
that even the bugs feel cramped.
Gentlemen, I give people hell
when I'm on duty.
- And I'm always on duty.
- I laugh only once in a refresher.
You'll hear me laugh just once
in the next three weeks.
Step forward one by one
and announce yourselves.
Today!
Chevalier, Cdric.
- Next!
- Mummenthaler Jojo...
Sergeant!
Von Wattenwyl, Gabriel.
- Is the therapy kicking in?
- I'm working on it.
Starting to look
like a bacteria yourself.
- Hey! Announce yourself!
- Same as last year.
Bartschi, Tschiige... Jurg.
Sergeant,
Ruegsegger, J.P.
Hello...
Stussi, Alex.
Alexander.
Got a surprise for you.
Your bike.
With three gears!
Cycle, push, carry.
Away!
Got something prepared for you.
Faster! Lower your ass.
Lower, lower...!
Make a furrow with your nose
and close it with your balls.
Come on! Faster! Faster!
Already here? Come here!
Get yourself into the mud bath.
It's wellness day today.
Today!
Wake up!
Ruegsegger, dead!
Chevalier, dead!
Mummenthaler, dead!
St us sit!
Stussi, dead!
Bartschi, dead anyway!
Dead! All dead!
You shoot escaping people
in the leg bones only.
This includes the coral bone,
the coccyx and the pubic bone.
Stussi! Are you dumb?
Stop firing!
Remove hearing protection!
Can you see all the way
to the front of the rifle?
In that case, take out
the frog hair brush to clean the scope.
What's that look?
Are you in love?
Sorry... can't find it.
Can't find no frog hair brush?
You know why?
Because frogs have no hair!
Where did you do your army training?
Now fire!
Hearing protection on!
Stussi, are you totally nuts?
- No automatic rifle firing!
- Sorry!
- Hey... hey...!
- Bartschi, shut your face!
Dinner's served, I think.
Stussi, clean this place!
Is this seat taken?
Oh, the spree killer!
Tastes like mad cow disease!
Might as well eat dry bread.
This is not edible.
Waiter!
There is a soup in my hair!
I want my money back!
No waiter here.
- You were saying...?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
Where's the problem?
- Nowhere.
-"Nowhere"?
Do you have any pepper?
- Just say stop.
- Stop.
Is that hot enough?
Enjoy your meal.
Anybody else want some pepper?
Did you see how she hit on me?
Ladies, having fun?
- Coffee? Espresso?
- Yes, please.
Private Stussi has just volunteered
to sweep the courtyard.
- Thank you for this offer.
-I only wanted...
Who is speaking?
Sergeant, Private Stussi.
And has he...?
-Yes, sir!
- Good. For all the others:
2 hours' leave. At 22:00, all moles are
back in their holes. Continue eating.
Look here, guys.
I had it specially made
for this army refresher.
- What is it?
- An otoko.
A Japanese symbol
for virility.
It's also a symbol for gays.
Are you nuts?
- So they recognize each other.
- Bullshit!
Take that back or I'll have you
eat your disinfectant.
-I saw it on TV.
- No, you didn't!
It's not my fault!
Bartschi, during this refresher,
you'll get it over and done with.
You should...
instead of always...
- Gentlemen, banana split.
- Thank you.
Yes, soldier.
There's a war on.
And the enemy is over there.
No... no...!
- Off you go.
- Bartschi, Bartschi, Bartschi...
So pretty and all alone?
Maybe you can give us
some ideas what to do?
Did you say something?
Flabby!
Calm down!
Did you call my mate "flabby"?
Oh, the seven dwarves are here too!
I would just back out.
Or I'll tie a knot into your cigarillo.
You should be happy
to be picked up at all!
A fight with women!
Never seen anything like it
throughout my career!
You stop that behaviour at once!
- Yes, sir.
- Dismiss!
Private Stussi, one moment!
Do you know who this is?
A plastic figure
standing on a tank?
Charles the Bold!
At Grandson his hat,
at Murten his castle
and at Nancy...?
What's the most important thing
a man can lose?
- The family?
- The blood.
At Nancy his blood.
My battalion is my blood!
What happens if my battalion
is dissolved
because of your pals' discipline issues?
What if...?
What happens to your...
- ...Commander?
-I...don't know.
He is discharged.
And if he is discharged,
who will need...
...his house?
A soldier grows with his tasks, Stussi.
You may leave.
- Today was a nice day.
- Today was a nice day.
- I had lots of fun.
- I had lots of fun.
- I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
- I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
- Thank you, Swiss army.
- Thank you, Swiss army.
- That's fine.
- That's fine.
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
...but they're only
inundating the bathroom...?
I know you're at your wits' end...
Speak to you soon.
Wow...!
An itch in my pants.
Here's what we got to do.
I'm organizing a bet.
The first guy to get
a nude picture of the cook.
Yes, a nude picture.
And the stake
is 100 Swiss francs.
Great!
- Your stake?
- Hey, man.
That's going to cause more trouble.
- Got only sex on your mind?
- Exactly!
The guy who screws her
gets double.
You're dead!
Shit, my phone!
I got the lady's G-string.
I can smell her honey.
Get a whiff!
J.P.!
You need to aim at that.
If need be, I'll hit your prick
from 100 yards.
- Yes, because it's so big.
- Sure.
Pussy, pussy.
Has anyone ever told you
what a sourpuss you are?
Jojo, give it to me.
I've just made my bed!
Give it to me!
- What's this mess?
- Room 110!
Chevalier, got trouble shaving?
St us sit!
What's that on your head?
- A G-string.
- Give it to me.
Come on!
Where did you get that?
Found it in the hall.
If you think you can just
arse around here for three weeks,
I'll rip your ass open so wide that
a plane can make a test flight inside!
- All I...
- Silence!
Private Stussi,
Kitchen duty instead of evening leave!
Room 110!
Checkout!
Room 110 checking out!
Thank you.
...looks at me saying "ular"!
This means snake in Indonesian.
You have to know which snake
to inject the counter-poison...
...you have to decide instantly...
So I decided to inject
all 27 counter-poisons at once.
The boy survived!
- How are we today, Mr. Kunzli?
- My name's not Kunzli.
- It's Moser!
- Alex?
- How are you?
-I'm at work.
- It's the same every day.
- But how is it?
- So so...
- Are they wearing you out?
No, not yet...
- You sound exhausted.
- Anna...?
- Yes, Rene?
- I need Mr Mosli's hemogram.
Got to go.
Chin up! I love you.
I love you too.
Is the baby ok?
You mix it up well.
What's it going to be?
Minced balls.
I'm Alex.
- Jessica.
- Are you angry?
No! I'm feeling just great!
You hate my food,
you spy on me in the shower...
- I'm sorry, it wasn't me...
- No, of course not.
You're a real gentleman,
you love my food.
You didn't bet on who was the first one
to get horizontal with me,
or to photograph me naked.
You're not the first ones.
Why is everybody always
getting at me?
All I want is survive
this stupid army refresher.
I didn't participate in the bet.
I'm just feeling bad!
I was in Libya
guarding the Swiss embassy.
Why are you no longer there?
Because of my dumb lieutenant.
He thought it was just great
to feel me up.
- So I had to give him a beating.
- Ok!
He wrote in his report
that I had it off with everyone.
Not easy for a woman in this club...
Tell me about it.
And now I have to cook for the babies
of the "Infantilery".
But not much longer.
If all goes well,
I'll soon be back where the action is.
Got to go.
Got something to do.
And you...
have been lucky...
What...?
Group Weiss,
stand in!
Your feet only touch the ground
when you change direction.
An inspection!
Pull your socks up!
Let's be an honor to the battalion.
- Got it!?
- Yes, sir!
- Good morning!
- Morning!
This is an inspection!
Yes, sir.
Readjust.
Not your cocks...!
What about your troops' discipline
and full alert?
Discipline and full alert at 100%.
- You sure?
-Yes.
Goddamn it!
Wash, don't scratch!
What on earth...1?
Medical service!
What are your idiots doing?
What are our idiots doing?
Lieutenant Colonel, Sergeant Weiss.
We have a situation.
The situation we have
is a situation...
It's a situation...
We're just... exercising.
Exercising? This looks more
like a catastrophe.
Let me explain.
Threats have become asymmetrical...
Asymmetrical, good. And...?
They increasingly concern
the civilian population.
This is why
we're exercising the evacuation...
Of people who are incontinent?
Of a birthing department...
Birthing department?!
Okay.
And...?
Those over there
are having contractions.
- The babies are due every instant.
- What about that man?
This is where fathers-to-be
are taken care of.
Oh, I see.
It was very hard for us
when Kevin was born!
The birth of Xaver, our second son,
was smooth sailing.
Caesarean section and out he came.
A great boy.
Congratulations.
Very good!
Soldier!
Continue!
I have a chili seed
under my foreskin!
I thought my cock was on fire!
What a stupid idea, our bet!
Far too dangerous!
Jessica got the hots for me!
You silly prick!
Soldiers! What do you see?
A fish?
That's right, von Wattenwyl.
Keen perception!
A totally normal, stinky fish.
Stupid, fat, lazy, degenerate.
Just like you.
And what's that?
- Another fish?
- Wrong, Chevalier.
This is...
...Helga.
A Siamese fighting fish.
For once a female
who can teach you something.
The stinky fish has fallen inside.
What's happening now?
This: it's kicking the bucket!
You embarrassed me
in front of the brigadier.
Socket fecundators!
You're a disgrace to the entire army.
We're going to make
reasonably decent soldiers out of you.
Sissies, that's what you are!
Watch!
Now it's your turn.
Hardening exercise!
You nuts or what?
Chevalier, no longer a sausage,
but a cock made of steel!
Impossible!
- Certainly not!
- Down with your pants! That's an order.
You take it back at once!
Want to be put under arrest?
Want to eat your rifle?
Calm down!
- What if there's another inspection?
- Oh, our nerd.
Poking his nose in!
Why were you spared?
- Did you butter her up?
- No!
Weiss, Stussi!
Are you Catholics?
Group Weiss, here!
Damn morons!
Now off to our beach party!
At least Jesus had the cross to himself.
- All your fault.
- Shift the center of gravity!
It was so nice before you came.
The inferiors got it in the neck
from the superiors.
It was so nicel
Stussi, we've come undone.
Stussi, come on!
- Left, right!
- Turn left, left!
Weiss?
Weiss!
Shame on you!
You're a disgrace to the army!
Desertion and violence
towards a NCO and a comrade!
That's the last straw!
Private Stussi, what are you doing?
Is it not obvious?
I'm leaving.
I've had it.
You see what
your troops' morale is doing?
You should be put under arrest!
Yes, all under arrest!
Great for the troops' morale.
What's that supposed to mean?
I asked what you meant by that?
It means that you're all nuts.
All of you.
To begin with, your sergeant
is an irresponsible lunatic...
He only tried
to maintain discipline.
And discipline...
Is putting chili sauce into one's pants?
You're no better, damn it!
No wonder you're treated like that.
You take turns in
wearing each other out.
So the battalion will be dissolved.
Strange that it didn't happen sooner.
You take care.
Stussi...
- Stop.
- What's it now?
This was really...
a very impressive speech, Alex.
And you're quite right.
We have to stop
fighting each other and learn
to develop more team spirit.
Because Sergeant Weiss
isn't available,
you're taking over his group.
Got it?
You analyze problems well,
and have psychological insight.
The man I need.
No!
I'm leaving.
I think it's a good idea.
Alex is right.
Our behavior was out of line.
You can't be serious.
We're sorry.
- Rather you than Weiss.
- Yes...
Your comrades are for it too.
We'll wipe the floor with them.
Why have you been monkeying around
since your arrival?
Difficult to stay motivated
with such crap food.
- Yes.
- Exactly.
Then do something about it!
Private Bartschi,
You'll help in the kitchen from now on.
Do it!
It's quite simple. Put marinade
on the inside and the outside,
let it soak overnight,
and then in the oven...
- Great advice!
-Yes.
- Help me a bit, will you?
- Sure.
Let's rub it in good and proper.
- Right. Doing well.
- Thanks.
And now the inside.
Stop gaping!
Manage on your own?
Hello, my name's Jurg.
And yours?
Anyone ever told you
you got a pretty ass?
Hello?
Everything ok?
I can't hear you.
Bad reception on the hill.
Hill...?
Rene has already moved
the most important furniture.
- What?
- He has also changed the mattress.
Our bed is too soft
for my current weight.
- That's why I have a backache.
- The chest of drawers?
- Into the bedroom.
- Ok.
Is he moving in with you or what?
Are you nuts?
I can't do it on my own!
You're not on your own!
I'm here!
No, you're there!
- But not by choice!
-I know.
But it's not easy,
four weeks before the baby...
It isn't easy for me either!
Can we argue some other time?
I'm exhausted.
Let's phone later.
- Yes, sure.
- Ok.
Bye...
Why are you looking so sad?
Trouble at home.
- Home is always trouble.
- With your girl?
Yes, with everything.
My girlfriend is pregnant.
What? You're expecting?
You don't know what you're doing.
Children are hell!
Your life... they wreck it!
I'd like to have a family too.
But that's not possible.
Too scared of...
The dust, the bacteria...
I fell in love exactly once.
When I was 12.
Her name was Jasmin.
Then I was transferred to another home.
I'm going all sentimental...
Hello?
Alex?
Can't you talk because of the others?
I'll do the talking.
Just say yes by tapping on the phone.
It's really strange.
I'm sitting here in Dad's house,
whom I don't know at all.
I hope he's treating you well?
So he isn't so pig-headed
and stubborn after all?
He has missed so much in my life.
All I had of him
was military chocolate.
I always kept a piece for him.
Because I thought he'd be hungry
coming home from war.
I think he realizes
how alone he is.
This is why he took you there.
It's his twisted way
of keeping in contact with us.
We are all he's got.
Good night, Dad.
Bartschi, still working away?
Private Bartschi!
Got the bird flu?
To hell with the others!
I just want to go home.
I miss my mom.
Do you also think that there is
only one woman for each man?
Yes.
Probably.
If only I met her...!
You will.
One day.
That's enough now, guys!
Grab a tarpaulin, each one of you!
Let's gather in a semicircle.
Put your legs parallel.
Put your arms in front of your chest.
Breathe in through the nose.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
And out.
In...
And out.
Let your breath flow.
Don't force anything,
don't suppress anything.
We rise our upper body...
Tense every little muscle...
Breitinger.
Goddamn it!
You shut your mouth!
- Stretch your limbs gently.
- Lieutenant Colonel!
Morning!
What are your men doing?
Perineal floor exercises?
Army reform 15.
Flexibility. Movement.
Relaxation, concentration,
inner peace...
Very good, Reiker.
- Your troops are dynamic.
- It's always been that way...
In that case:
"Operation Edelweiss"!
- What?!
- Yes.
- Damn! You can't...
- Don't touch me!
I just did.
And I can.
What's that look?
It's your chance. You can send
your best company.
If you succeed,
you keep your battalion.
If not,
I'll get rid of you.
-You're areal...
- Don't back out.
Your enemy could smell your cold sweat.
Continue!
"Operation Edelweiss",
of all things.
Breitinger, you devious
rotten bastard.
Asshole!
So... "Operation Edelweiss"!
A counter terrorism exercise.
Not some exercise,
but apparently the most difficult.
No company has succeeded
for ten years.
So we have no chance.
Battalion, attention!
The survival of this battalion
will depend on each one of you.
Now you can prove
what you fusiliers are capable of.
We have no chance,
so we must seize it.
We're the best, we'll make it!
Bartschi, you heck of a guy!
What's that severe look?
Can't I enjoy myself for once?
Caramba!
Hey, Jessica...
Delicious...!
Ren speaking.
- Hello?
- Hello?
This is Alex calling.
Anna is resting.
Can you wake her up, please?
No, she has to rest.
Extremely important
in her state.
I'm not saying it as a doctor,
but as a friend.
Your being away for so long
is not good for her.
I'm not doing it on purpose!
It might be seen that way.
What's that supposed to mean?
You're away just now
that your child is about to be born.
I'm only doing this shit
to get the house.
Maybe, yes.
What do you mean, "maybe"?!
I delivered many babies in Indonesia.
Sometimes the fathers
just disappeared too. Fear.
Are you out of your mind?
Are you still the right man for Anna?
Think about it.
Hey...!
What's going on?
Private Stussi,
with this solemn ceremony
you will be admitted
to our circle,
the band of brothers
of the Weiss Group!
All for a soldier...
...a soldier for all!
From now on,
you're one of us.
Subject to
passing the test of courage!
What test of courage?
Give me Helga back,
you swine!
Helga, you've got pretty eyes...
What's up?
- Damn cost-cutting measures.
- What's going on?
Out of gas.
Five yards. Four yards,
three yards...!
Two yards, one yard.
And... stop!
Almost full.
- I'll pay for everything.
- Super card?
No. But where can we take
a little wellness break at this hour?
I'm the boss of the house! Cheers!
What does that mean?
That's a tattoo.
- Cool.
- You think so?
- Beautiful soldier...
-I am who I am. Don't push me...
You prefer to talk?
I used to know what I wanted.
Suddenly everything
has become so complicated.
Avalanches falling in on me
from all sides.
Where is the fish?
Hold it!
- J.P., what are you doing?
- Keep it still.
Are you out of your mind?
I said I could hit your prick
from 100 yards.
Even a fish
wants to give me a blow job.
Jessi?
Stussi.
Did you have fun?
What's up?
Nothing.
My appeal was rejected.
I'm stuck here forever!
I'm sorry.
Maybe better that way.
Better?
Maybe you would have walked
on a mine in Libya.
I'd prefer walking on a mine
than wasting away in this place.
I said that to comfort you.
You know what?
I'd really like to be comforted
all over right now.
Shit!
Jessi...
-I can't.
- Why not?
Because...
Because of Anna, my girlfriend.
And that's occurred to you only now?
I'm a little pissed...
Get the hell out!
Out! Right now!
Jessi!
Feel the energy
pulsating in your base chakra.
Hey, Alex.
Got something for your base chakra.
Are you nuts?
To send me a photo of you
and another bitch?
- I know nothing about it.
- Sure you don't
And I have a guilty conscience
because Ren is moving our stuff!
You were supposed
to do an army refresher, not screw!
- I didn't!
- And what's that?
- Shit!
- The bastard!
Wicked guy!
Give me my mobile!
I'm doing all this for our home!
I don't want to share no home with you!
I'd much rather sleep under a bridge.
Stay here!
Go and do close combat
with your new lay!
Annal!
Tin soldiers!
At least you've won
the Jessi-jackpot!
You participated in this bet?!
- No!
- Of course not.
You've won the jackpot!
- No...
- Another bonus for you!
Soldier, hold this!
What am I supposed to do?!
- I've got to see Anna.
- Today of all days?
With "Operation Edelweiss"
on the program?
I've got to make it up to her.
- Before it's too late.
-I know.
I understand.
It's your decision.
Your commander can't help you.
I've got to go.
Come on, get on with it!
Faster!
We're no old maids on a hike!
Where's Alex?
Who needs a traitor like him?
Drive off!
Reiker, now for the real thing.
I got another surprise for you.
You see these balls?
For movement and flexibility.
- Thanks for stopping.
- Not at all.
Where to, soldier?
- Home.
- That's specific. Get in.
Gentlemen and officers.
Dear... lady.
Welcome to "Operation Edelweiss".
A group of terrorists
from the fictitious state of Burbezia
have entrenched behind this building
representing the Federal building.
They have taken
the Federal Councilors hostage.
They are threatening to blow up
...the Federal building.
The dirty bastards!
The first part of the mission:
invade the building!
Second:
free the Federal Councilors!
How many are there?
- Ammann, Sommaruga... Berset.
- Silence!
This is no crossword puzzle.
Third:
defuse the bomb!
Enjoyed your army refresher?
Yes... it was ok.
- And the camaraderie and intimacy?
- Pardon?
Dorm, shower, tent...
Lieutenant Colonel Reiker's soldiers
have exactly 30 minutes
to fulfil this mission.
If the bomb is not defused
by then, it'll explode.
Countdown!
You don't tell me
what's going to happen!
Nothing will happen
when you open your trap.
Ok, countdown!
Soldiers, carambal!
Don't touch met
Carambal
Let's get to it, guys!
No one shoots without my permission.
I'm wondering about...
Why I'm no longer unfit?
Exactly, soldier.
It started with my girlfriend
and me looking for...
-...an apartment.
- Girlfriend?
A complicated love life!
It's a complicated story.
One.
And another one.
And another.
And another.
The others have to do
the exercise without me.
I think they won't manage.
But...
But?
Shit.
- Can we turn back?
- Don't you need to get home?
Reiker, start thinking
about opening a graveyard.
Frontal attack on the building
They're amateurs!
Could we just turn back, please?
Without any comments?
Attack! Now!
What are you doing here?
No civilians allowed!
- I'm looking for Chevalier.
- What?
Cdric!
- Here you are!
- What are you doing here?
I tried to phone you hundreds of times.
- My phone's broken.
- You know what?
I've had it.
You're having fun,
leaving me
to it!
You've got to take over!
Chevalier, how's the family?
We've got to attack.
Impossible now!
This is a large-scale operation!
They can participate!
That will excite them!
You do whatever daddy tells you.
I'll come and get you later.
Give that back!
Sophie, where are you going?
Shoe shopping!
I've got to!
I'm having a burnout!
We missed the wave of attack.
What's up?
I said carambal
Attack! Everyone!
We'll be shot like rabbits.
Want to be put under arrest?
Want to be crucified again?
Stop, guys, stop!
Alex.
Watch out!
You're back?
Guys, now we stick together!
We're a team!
What about saving your relationship?
I'll do that later.
Stussi, this is no Yoga class.
We don't need you.
Yes, we need him.
We have a tiny chance with Alex.
- Daddy, got to go to the loo!
- Me too!
You can't do that now.
Hello, we need to pee.
Scram! This is a military exercise!
We need to pee!
- Listen, fatty...
- Fatty?
Have you just called him "fatty"?
I'll blow you away!
J.P., don't!
He called him "fatty".
- Wait here until I come back.
- We need to pee!
Stussi...
I think I've been hit.
Before I leave,
I've got to tell you something.
I sent the photos to Anna.
That was not so nice of me.
Sorry!
It's alright, Weiss.
Now we are even.
Helga's on my conscience.
Alex, got to move on.
You've got to take over.
I'm checking out.
Alex, Alex!
Bartschi, shut up!
Weiss, you're dead!
We should really move on.
Geronimo!
Shit, I'm dead!
Got one! Got one...
Bartschi, heck of a guy!
The Federal Councilors are here.
I hope they won't scare
the old-age pensioner volunteers
with their random shots.
A few more cookies.
Somehow I'm fed up
with the army.
Just because you keep losing.
We'll get new planes soon.
That'll change the picture.
- You're dead, darling.
- Yes!
Well done, little black sheep.
Find the bomb!
I wouldn't be so happy.
The most difficult is yet to come.
- We're dividing up. Bartschi!
- Here!
You look after the Federal Councilors.
The others...
Search everything!
We're the world's best army!
Don't, Cdric!
- Where did you do your training?
- I thought it was a black mask.
Sure.
No!
- They won't manage on their own.
- Another three minutes...
Requesting to leave!
Don't be scared.
Alex and the others will save you.
You think so?
You'll lose again anyway.
"Again"?
Like every year.
How often would we have been blown up
because no one finds the bomb?
Where is the bomb?
Stussi, not again!
Can I help you?
We've got to find the bomb!
- Have you got it?
- No! What about you?
We won't manage!
Soon all Federal Councilors
will be blown up with the nurse.
Shit!
Hold on!
The Federal Councilors
have a nurse?!
I'd better lock it,
in case there are more terrorists.
Yes, good idea.
Two minutes...!
Goddamn it!
- What's this sign mean?
- Nothing... "soldier".
How long have you been a soldier?
For a while...
I don't know...
-Is it fun?
-Yes and no...
What's up?
Something wrong?
What's up?
Mission completed.
We've done it!
Yes, thank you!
Don't touch me!
No touching!
Look who's a hot soldier now!
Guys, I've got to go and see Anna.
Where's the next train station?
Jojo! You told me
three weeks ago you'd call!
Sandra, I was fighting in a war.
But I only thought of you.
- You like children?
- Yes!
Sorry, I've got to do this on my own.
- We'll help you.
- No.
I know what he means.
All the best...!
Heck of a guy.
Good luck! Be seeing you.
We had a great time.
Don't take anything from her.
You'll do it!
See you next year.
Hey, Stussi...
Caramba.
- What now?
- How about some wellnessing?
I'll sit up front.
I think it's better this way
for both of you.
I lived with a tribe in Congo,
where it isn't necessarily the father
who raises the kid
with the mother, but a member...
Member sounds totally stupid.
Someone with a member
to stand up to such a huge task.
Annal!
- Alex?
- I'll deal with it.
- You're not wanted.
- None of your business.
I'm trying to help Anna cope
with your behavior.
Seen from a therapeutic viewpoint...
This is my therapeutic viewpoint.
Are you nuts?
What?!
Anna, I'm bleeding.
- You ok?
- Just get lost!
- Oh... | I see...!
- Ren...
Anna. Annal
You are right.
I was really unfaithful.
But not to you,
to me.
I did everything for our little family
to have a home.
And I want to continue to do so.
But | I can't do it
if you don't trust me.
- You and this other woman...
-Yes...
I almost fell in love
with another woman.
But I want you.
And I still do.
And you say so only now?
I wanted to help your father
to save his troops.
Are you a kind of hero now?
Kind of.
Where are all the others?
- Private Draga.
- Present.
The commander informs you
that your commitment in "Edelweiss"
- ...was totally selfless.
- Thank you.
- You have been promoted sergeant.
- Sergeant?!
Ok, and something else.
I have...
I have...
I suppose...
Missed that one.
- Ok, then it's... done.
- Thank you!
You may now coax, command...
Walk me off, execute...!
Ok, I'm taking my leave.
101 DAYS LATER
Our first trip without the baby!
I thought I was your baby?
Oh, what's happening up front?
Another Viagra?
No, that's completely natural. It is
this way and has always been this way.
At Grandson his hat,
at Murten his courage and at Nancy...
At Nancy...?
What's the most important thing
a man may lose in his life?
The dummy, that's right.
Look, here's your dummy.
Don't want your dummy?
No dummy?
Are you like your dad?
A little conscientious objector?
A hat, a cane, an umbrella...
One step, two steps...
Off we go...
Out of the way,
I'm expected in the capital!
Well, then...
Where's he going?
Soldiers, carambal!
You're under arrest!
Let's do that again.
Specially for you at home.
For Christ's sake!
Took off my hat too soon!
Sorry!
I hardly used your phone
to make calls.
Only twice.
To my brother,
in New...
...Zealand.