Real Life (1979) Movie Script

1
Hello...
and welcome.
I'm councilman Edmund Harris
of the fifth district.
I'm sure some of you know we're
gathered here this afternoon...
To dedicate the beginning
of a year long project:
To make a movie right here in
Phoenix and the outlying areas,
and much of it in our own fifth district.
The fifth district is the home of our
good friends, the Yeager family:
Warren, Jeanette,
cute little Lisa and Eric.
And they're going to be
the stars of this unusual movie.
Wait a minute.
All of us in this room are going to have
an important part in the picture too.
My wife tells me
I'm not handsome enough...
To be in the movies.
But our guest of honor
here today says that's baloney.
He's the gentleman
behind the whole thing.
Quite a gentleman he is.
Why, he's made me laugh on...
"The tonight show," the late ed Sullivan.
And I know you've seen his short films
on nbc's "good night Saturday."
A lot of you have seen him on
your favorite shows, I'm sure.
And if you like the food we had
today, you have him to thank.
So would you please welcome
with a big Phoenix applause,
all the way from Hollywood, California,
Mr. Albert Brooks!
Thank you, councilman Harris.
Please tell the mayor
I wish him a speedy recovery.
I couldn't help noticing some
expressions of shock or disbelief,
or whatever it was you were doing,
when the councilman mentioned
that the Yeagers...
Were going to be the stars
of a major motion picture.
Many of you know Warren Yeager
is a fine veterinarian...
And not a professional actor.
But that's exactly the point.
We're gathered here this afternoon
to film Warren and his family,
and you folks and ourselves as well,
because we're making a movie
about reality.
I'm sure you've all had the experience of
coming out of a motion picture theater...
And saying to yourselves, "I've had
more interesting things happen to me..."
"Than happened to those
characters in that picture.
My life is
much more interesting."
You know something?
You're right.
The most hilarious comedy,
the most gripping drama,
the most suspenseful disasters,
they don't happen on the movie screen.
They happen in my backyard and yours.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
So, please, just remember
two simple words...
And everything will be perfect.
Be yourselves.
If you see our cameraman following Warren
or Jeanette, or one of the children...
Into your homes, offices, cleaning
establishments or gas stations,
don't try to do anything special.
It's tempting to show off for the camera.
I know. I make my living that way.
But in this case, we don't want a show.
Let me correct myself.
We want the greatest
show of all: Life!
Hey, you're great!
You're great!
We're gonna have a b-a-l-l here.
I guarantee you.
A lot of people have termed this project
an experiment, and I can't disagree.
What experiment would be complete...
Without the scientists,
I'd like to introduce
two of the finest...
Psychological consultants
that money can buy.
And I wouldn't want you to get the impression
we're buying either of these gentlemen.
Actually, the one on the end is rented,
and the gentleman sitting
next to him is leased.
No, I'm kidding.
The gentleman on the end...
What can I say?
He's from one of the most prestigious
institutes we have in this country.
From Boulder, Colorado, from the
national institute of human behavior,
would you welcome
Dr. Howard hill.
And the gentleman sitting next to him...
What can I say? You might have
seen him on some television shows.
A well-known author.
He's written books.
From the university of Minnesota,
please give a nice welcome
to Dr. Ted cleary.
A lot of you probably thought
Ted didn't stand up.
Actually, he is standing. Isn't that great?
He eats very little.
You folks love to laugh, don't you?
Well, more than anything else in the world,
I'd love to get into some humor with you,
but we really don't have the time.
We're meeting the Yeagers at the
airport in less than half an hour.
So before yours truly
has to skidaddle out of here,
I'd like, if I could,
to share my sentiments I have...
About this beautiful city
with you, if I might.
Mort!
Ladies and gentleman, the man at
the piano, Mr. mort Lindsay...
From
"the merv Griffin show."
And as much of his orchestra as
we could afford to bring down.
It's a little something I jotted down
on the plane coming in yesterday,
specially from me to you.
Who are you? What do you do?
Paul lowell, lowell realty.
Thanks very much for the house.
You got me my house.
Who are you? Donna Stanley,
Stanley's gift shop at the airport.
Thanks for that little
plastic cactus. Yes.
And who are you?
I'm Jack from Cincinnati.
You live down here?
Just visiting?
No, I came down to watch you work.
Isn't that something?
God bless you.
Two grand!
Thank you.
God bless you!
You're something else!
Thank you!
Hello.
So many of us go through life doing one
thing and dreaming of doing something else.
I'm one of those people.
I'm in show business.
I'm fortunate to have
that job, but quite frankly,
if I'd studied harder
or been graded more fairly,
I would have been a scientist
or a doctor of some kind.
Well, the fulfillment of that
dream finally happened for me...
When I arrived here at the national
institute of human behavior,
a few miles southwest
of Boulder, Colorado.
I knew from the inception
of this motion picture...
That without scientific guidance from a
nationally recognized research organization,
very few people
would take this seriously.
However, with that guidance...
We not only had a chance
at winning an Oscar,
but possibly a nobel prize too.
It gives me the chills.
Let's go inside.
Come on.
Thousands of people responded
to the advertisements...
Scientifically placed by the institute.
They filled out preliminary questionnaires
in the privacy of their own homes.
Then, the 210 best families were
invited here for final testing.
These tests in Boulder were designed
to choose the one family unit...
That could best reflect day-to-day
living in contemporary America,
and at the same time...
Hold a motion picture audience
completely spellbound.
During the time they stayed here,
the 210 families underwent
more than 145 separate tests,
totaling more than 2,500 test hours.
If these tests could be
converted into eggs,
it would be enough to feed a city the size
of St. Louis for more than two years...
On a two-egg-per-person
per week basis.
Sound complicated?
It was, and very expensive.
However, even though we were paying
for this, for top security reasons...
The institute allowed us
to film just a small portion...
Of a few of the tests.
Honey, I completely believe that.
Test 40, one of three
role reversal exercises.
Be someone else in your family.
This test was invaluable, not just because
of the insights it gave into relationships,
but because it single-handedly discouraged
23 families from further participation,
saving us more than $90,000
in wasted testing costs.
I wanna go out and play. No! You
heard what your mother said.
You have to stay in, do your
homework and be quiet all day.
But I wanna go out and play. No!
Well, I want to.
I said no!
I said yes. I don't care what you say.
I'm the boss.
Now you're gonna get a beating.
I don't wanna do that.
Okay, okay. Harold, stop it!
Don't call me Harold, call me "dad"!
Don't you hit me, you little...
Damn you!
All right.
Thank you, folks.
Thank you. Folks?
This was test 72, one of 15 tests...
Utilizing state-of-the-art
computer technology.
This man...
Was feeding all of
his facial features into this...
The graphicon 8,000.
This amazing computer
would actually show...
What each family member's face
would photograph like...
From every conceivable angle...
And then give us a digital readout
of their screen presence.
Okay, it should be simple.
Test 141, known simply
as the driving test.
Since much of anybody's life
takes place in a car,
we wanted to make sure our
family wasn't going to kill us.
Dummies, acting as cameramen,
were placed...
In one of the 200 cars in the
institute's mobile test fleet.
When I tell you to start,
put the car in reverse,
back it up to that simulated garage. Go?
In reverse and back
in there. Okay, fine.
You were supposed to put it back
in the simulated garage.
What simulated garage?
Okay.
While the testing continued,
ground rules for the project
were slowly being developed.
Most important was
the unusual agreement...
That only the studio and a few of
the doctors at the institute...
Would actually be allowed to see
the film as it was being shot.
The rest of us would have
to wait until the year was over.
This was done to reduce
possible confusion...
And to heighten the reality.
But, to really heighten the reality,
we needed a whole new generation
of motion picture equipment...
Equipment that could stay
out of our family's way.
Two systems were chosen.
First, from Japan,
special heat-sensing
wall cameras like this.
These would be installed
wherever feasible.
These amazing devices
actually used body heat...
To focus in on the nearest person.
Quiet, efficient, expensive.
And then, to capture what those couldn't,
a startling breakthrough in technology.
The smallest, most versatile
motion picture camera ever made.
From Holland,
the entanour 226-xl.
The etanour is actually worn
over the head.
The camera is controlled
by using body movement,
and by operating this
human eye-like lens system.
Isn't that something?
And it can hear like a human too...
With these special
Omni-directional microphones...
Located exactly where we have our ears.
The etanour needs no special lighting.
And it uses no film.
Yes, all picture and sound information...
Is recorded digitally on
these integrated circuit chips,
some no larger than a child's fingernail.
When these chips are filled to capacity,
they will be removed from this housing,
and then mailed back to the institute,
where they're decoded and then
transferred to film as we know it.
Only six of these cameras were ever made.
Only five of them ever worked.
We had four of those.
After six weeks of testing,
the families had been
narrowed down to two:
The Andrew feltons
from green bay, Wisconsin,
and the Warren Yeagers
from Phoenix, Arizona.
Using the sophisticated equipment and
the institute's direct-mail facility,
the other hundreds of families
were notified...
That they were unsuitable.
Since these two finalists
had never met before,
each family served as a matching
set of strangers for the other.
They were given only one instruction
for the hour-long encounter:
Be yourselves.
You're with t.W.A.?
No, American.
You get to fly for free, don't you?
We have to pay tax.
How much is the tax to Europe?
I don't know exactly.
Are there a maximum amount
of trips you can take? Yes.
Sounds great.
Yes.
To be perfectly frank,
we could find no difference.
Our research was so thorough, the computers
actually coughed up two perfect families.
If I were a liar, I could tell you
we chose one over the other...
For complicated psychological reasons.
But I'm a comedian, not a liar.
I can afford the luxury of honesty.
The feltons lived in Wisconsin.
The Yeagers lived in Arizona.
You spend the winter in Wisconsin.
Phoenix!
Almost one million people.
The fastest growing Metropolis
west of the Mississippi.
The Yeagers lived here,
in one of the newer sections of
town, part of the fifth district.
Their house was located
at the end of a cul-de-sac...
Called view crest heights drive.
Warren Yeager worked here at
the Arizona veterinary clinic,
one of the finest veterinary
hospitals in the new southwest.
The children attended school at
Benjamin Franklin grammar school,
about two miles from the family's home.
I was fortunate to purchase the house...
Directly across the street
from the Yeagers.
It was the first house I had
ever owned, and I must say,
I was proud.
That's it.
This man, however,
would not stop shaking my hand.
The Yeagers were sent on a two-week,
all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii...
So I could get settled in
without disturbing them.
I knew the house had to be
furnished with great care.
We're here!
The living room was done
in a Neo-mediterranean style.
The playroom was done
contemporary, with a fun touch.
Let's put it outside.
And the sleeping area...
Well, with this round bed
and large screen TV,
let's just say if there were any single
girls in Phoenix, I'd find them.
The rest of the crew stayed
here at the travel lodge,
a nice place.
But enough about the crew,
for at this very moment...
A 707 was landing nonstop from Hawaii...
With our stars aboard.
It's not degrading. What's
degrading about being introduced?
Were you degraded? There's such a
thing as professional dignity.
Why were you singing? You were just supposed to
inform them of the beginning of the project.
I did inform 'em. What's so bad about
making them happy? They loved the song.
I don't know about you, Howard, but I didn't
go to graduate school for five years...
To be introduced as a part of an act.
An act!
Howard, you've seen me work. That's not
my act, Ted. An act's a detailed thing.
First you've got a set opening, then
you've got a three, four minute hunk.
You follow that with a ten minute hunk.
Mr. Brooks. Albert.
Someone knows me in Phoenix. Hi. How are you?
It's Warren. We're in baggage!
We missed the plane.
Great, good. We're coming!
I got mixed up myself. I thought
the plane... hey! Hello!
We missed you!
He barely knows me.
Welcome home! Aloha!
Look at this.
Look at this.
Real orchids.
Hello, Mrs. Yeager. And you.
Look at this. Come here.
Look at that. Okay!
Do we know everybody?
These are the etanours. I think
you read the literature on them.
These are my two
psychological consultants.
They're gonna be with us for the entire
year, making sure everything is perfect.
Did you meet Howard at the institute?
I don't think so.
Dr. Howard hill.
He's from the institute.
This gentleman is gonna be with
us the entire year? Yes, he is.
I won't be degrading.
I'll do it right this time.
I'm Dr. Ted cleary. I'm not a
consultant, I'm more of an observer.
I'm writing a series of articles on this project
for the journal of American psychology.
He's a well-known author.
Written lots of books.
You know who's going to publish the
articles he's writing? Did you tell him?
I did tell him. -The journal
of American psychology.
Maybe the most prestigious scientific
journal in the world. I swear to god.
You know who reads these things?
Jonas salk, buckminster Fuller,
William Buckley, every scientist living.
They go to the mailbox,
they get it like magazines.
We're all gonna be on
Jonas salk's coffee table.
All right! Can you believe it?
He loves it.
One last thing, then I'm
staying out of your lives.
Limo back to the house.
Just a special treat.
Come on, let's go to the limo!
I wanna tell you something.
We went to Maui. Jeanette didn't
want to go, but I told her...
What am I supposed to do?
Get this luggage myself?
Excuse me one moment.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, really.
I'm sorry. I'm a little excited.
You're completely out of it.
Come on! come on! Okay!
We got the whole crew waitin'!
Okay. Come on, honey.
Mr. Theodore cleary!
All right, there he is!
The Yeagers!
You won't believe it.
Look, it's your parents.
We flew 'em in from Tucson.
How are you?
It's nice to see you.
Isn't this perfect?
Okay, very quickly.
That's... love reunions.
Very quickly, folks. We want to meet
your crew. We lined 'em all up.
We'll do it just like they meet royalty.
Now, Dr. and Mrs. Yeager, Eric, Lisa.
We'll go down the line.
This is wardrobe.
Trucker. Cameraman.
First a.D. Second a.D. What's an a.D.?
Assistant director. We'll get to
it in a second. Another trucker.
What are these people's names? Not important.
Let me get through the list.
- Wardrobe. Script.
- Script? Is there a script?
No, they're all part of the package.
Cameraman. Another cameraman. Grip.
Grip. How do you do? Hello.
This is a trucker. This is a gopher,
this is a gopher... where? Where?
No, Eric, these people here.
It's a term, okay?
Publicity. This is a trucker,
driver and a trucker. Okay?
There's a few other people.
They're not here right now.
Of course, thanks to modern technology,
these people really aren't needed,
but the union makes us take 'em.
So, folks, we'll see you at the premiere,
have a nice time in Phoenix!
Enjoy your stay.
Thanks for coming. Get good tans.
Nice to see ya.
See ya again.
Nice to see ya.
Have a good stay.
See you next year.
Nice to see ya.
Okay?
So, what can I tell you?
Welcome home.
You wanna film something of us
coming out of the car?
You kind of look tired.
Why don't you go in your house?
Make yourself at home, all right?
I want to go over the rules, but we can
do that and the filming schedule later.
You sure? He just said so, didn't he?
Okay? So break a leg!
Be yourselves!
Thank you for everything.
Don't worry about it.
Those leis keep. Put 'em in the freezer.
Okay. Thank you.
Have a good time now. Be yourselves!
They look great.
They're great.
They're great.
They were great.
What a family.
The long trip from Hawaii did leave
them a bit fatigued, however.
Especially Mrs. Yeager, who
thought she had a slight fever.
Although Dr. Yeager said it would be
all right to film them unpacking,
I thought it was appropriate to
give them an hour by themselves...
To relax and get ready for dinner.
I took the opportunity to
finish antiquing my end table.
"Continuous motion
for oldest effect."
The hour passed very quickly.
And before I knew it,
we were ready to join them...
For their first supper.
Eat your pizza, honey.
Good pizza.
Honey, do you think it's safe...
For you to be eating with
your heating pad in your lap?
I have terrible cramps,
I am bleeding profusely...
And I want to vomit on the table.
What are you doing?
I just wanna let them know
this is not the way...
We usually talk,
especially at the dinner table.
Okay. Why don't we...
Why don't we just,
pretend that we just sat down,
and we can start over, okay?
Great pizza, kids?
Kids?
I hate it.
You hate it.
Eric.
Goddamn it, Eric!
Watch your mouth, young lady. This is not the
kind of language we use at the dinner table.
Since when have we had all these
rules at the dinner table?
- Lisa, don't use my good linen napkin to wipe that up!
- What am I supposed to use?
- There are no other napkins in the house.
- There are napkins in the house.
Honey, your mother's very uncomfortable.
If you get smart with her again, I'm gonna
have to punish you. Do you understand, honey?
I hate it in here!
You don't have to eat here.
If you didn't, there'd be plenty
more food for the rest of us.
Don't start making her
feel guilty about the food.
God, you make me sick.
Because I stick up for you?
Eric, why don't you just leave the towel?
Wanna take your pizza into your room?
Take your pizza into your room
and watch some TV.
Okay?
Okay.
Why does he have to finish
his dinner in the other room?
I thought he could have
more fun eating there.
He can't have fun here?
It's hard to have fun when you
have to listen to your mother...
Whining about her terrible
menstrual cramps every day.
I mean, every day.
I agree.
And it is also not much fun to
have an I.U.D. Stuck in you...
To prevent, as you put it,
more mouths to feed.
I... look,
I never said that.
I don't care what you said. I am
having this coil taken out Monday.
And from now on, if you want safe sex, you
can have it with one of your animals!
I know you didn't mean anything by that,
so I'm not gonna say anything,
I'm just...
You're just upset,
the way everybody gets.
What a great day,
sounds real exciting
over there, doesn't it?
You been out spying on the neighborhood?
I'm not spying on anybody.
I live here. I'm allowed to
walk up and down the street.
What'd you think, Howard?
Real good action for day one.
Real good.
Well, tension, not action.
Tension is action.
Don't you ever go to plays?
What'd you think, Ted?
Some good insights for you?
If I were running this project,
those people would have gotten some rest
tonight and day one would've been tomorrow.
We all pretty much agreed at the meeting
that when they got off the plane,
that was the beginning.
Absolutely!
We all pretty much agreed,
but I disagreed.
Look, it's done.
It's on film.
I think we gotta keep remembering,
whatever we do is fine,
it's perfect, it's the movie.
Great.
It may be fine and perfect,
but that added tension is making your
leading man come off very unsympathetic.
What? That's only my observation.
No, he's very sympathetic.
If you don't look at it from the
dramatic point, you'll never see it.
Here's a guy.
He's got a wife, two kids.
He's threatened by society. Come on now!
No! On one hand, he doesn't want to make
the same mistakes his parents made.
On the other hand, he's not so sure
his parents made mistakes. He's torn.
Maybe he likes himself, maybe he doesn't.
Jesus, I think it's a hell
of a complex character.
Don't you think so, Howard?
He's complex.
He's fine. Just relax. I am relaxed!
I don't like my leading man being called
unsympathetic on the basis of 4 minutes of film.
He's good, he's good.
He was good at the airport.
He was good! Yeah.
On one hand he likes himself,
on the other hand he doesn't.
Honey?
Honey, what's the problem?
There's no problem. I just don't
like you very much right now.
Cramps is a bad beginning for your movie,
so I'm gonna spend the weekend at Bonnie's.
It's our movie. It was our decision.
You don't have to leave.
What about the children?
The children know.
I'm sure they could film
your better moments.
Don't make me get in an argument.
There's no argument. After all,
they're paying for the whole family.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Honey, you wanted this as much as I did.
You'll benefit from it too.
Warren, will you please...
Latch onto Jeanette!
Hello, Mrs. Yeager!
Where you going?
Listen, I would just like to go
be alone for a little while.
I think I need to be alone now.
Can we come with you?
No, I really want to be alone.
Well...
Just by myself.
We're gonna have to deal with this thing
later because this wasn't in the rules.
It's all right. Go ahead.
Would you take the little car?
We're gonna drive to work with Warren.
We'd like to use the station wagon.
It's just hard to fit both...
Cameras in there.
Could one person come with you? No.
One? That's all right. Go ahead. Please?
I need to be by myself.
Okay. I understand.
There's a lot of room
in here if we just... one...
If you'd like to go beyond
the original year...
To make up these days, it's okay.
No, I don't think you understand.
There's no making up days.
This is the reality.
This is it.
She left.
That's real.
Everything that happens...
Even us now...
It's all...
It's all the reality.
Very good.
She came out angry like that.
Got right in the car. You followed her.
All very good stuff.
Very, very good.
Really.
I should just go on living as usual?
That's it.
Don't worry about anything.
You're very good.
Thanks.
Warren Yeager tried to carry on
as if nothing had happened,
but it was obvious he was uncomfortable
because of his wife's absence.
Honey?
Honey, the music goes
right into my bedroom.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm fantasizing.
Don't fantasize.
I'm a big motion picture star.
These are my cameras.
That's my director.
And you are my lover.
Okay.
Kiss me, my beautiful lover.
Take me in your arms and kiss me.
Take off the dress. It's
your confirmation dress.
How long we've been apart.
Listen to what you're saying.
Take and kiss me like
you've never kissed me before.
Honey, come on. You're gonna get hit.
Now get out of this dress.
I can stay in this dress. Mother
said I could. I'll bet she did.
She did! Ask her, if she ever comes back.
Okay, come on. That's it.
Where's Eric? He's playing with the crew.
- He's not supposed to. Didn't you tell him that?
- No, I'm not his mother.
Okay, don't get smart with me!
Cereal on the floor.
I'll just make breakfast now.
I'll make some eggs.
Put this back.
I'll make eggs.
On Sunday,
Mrs. Yeager called me...
And said she would be
coming home that evening,
but asked if she could
see me first privately...
At the desert Plaza shopping center.
So he says, "you think that's
bad, her sister's twice as fat."
Over here.
The institute and I agreed that private
meetings with any family members...
Should be discouraged,
but this did sound important.
I was hoping we could be alone.
This is alone. This is
alone as I ever get.
How was your weekend?
It was okay.
Thank you for giving me that time.
I know how important the movie is to you.
I'm sorry. I know
you didn't have to do it.
Don't worry about it. I mean, it's important.
I didn't have to do it.
But it's a decision, and I made it.
It was a loving decision.
God, no. No love.
It's just a decision.
I'm making 'em all the time.
What's up?
Why'd you want to meet me?
I wanted to tell you that I like you,
and that this movie does mean as much
to me as it does to everybody else.
I hope I didn't hurt anything.
No, no. Nothing can hurt it.
That's the beauty part of this film.
It is what it is.
It's like a movie in a movie, in a
movie, in a movie. You know what I mean?
Well, you were very sweet,
and I wanted to do something
for you in return.
Don't.
No, really, I want to.
I made an appointment
with my gynecologist...
For a quarter to 10:00
tomorrow morning.
And if you want to, you and the
crew can feel free to join me.
Film the gynecologist?
Mrs. Yeager!
I can't be... boy!
Yes! Great!
There's one small problem.
I'm not gonna shoot anything
that'll embarrass you. I swear.
I couldn't use it anyway.
I'm locked into a p.G.
I didn't mean anything like that.
No, it's Warren. I...
I haven't told Warren
that you're going with me,
and I don't think
that anyone should tell him.
See, this thing is so new to him,
and he's very nervous and edgy.
I'm sure that in a month or two
it would be fine, you know.
But right now he's a little upset and...
Since it wasn't planned...
I just... I think
he would say no...
And we would just get
into another argument.
And I'm real tired of arguing with him.
Look...
Go home. I don't know what's happening.
He just doesn't seem to understand
anything at all anymore.
Mrs. Yeager, let me
ask you a question.
Do you think he comes off unsympathetic?
No. No, really. See if you can
detach yourself for a minute.
Look at it from the dramatic point.
Here's a guy.
He's got a wife, two kids.
He's threatened, you know?
Threatened by society.
On one hand he's got the parental thing,
on the other hand he's got
the pressures of his work.
An audience has got to have
sympathy for a guy like this.
He's a very complex guy. People have
sympathy for a guy who's complex.
Don't you think so? Think about it.
He is complex, isn't he?
You're such a sensitive man.
No, no.
It's just a theory.
I'm not, no.
Well, I want you to meet me
outside my doctor's building...
At a quarter to 10:00
tomorrow morning. Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna go home now.
Okay.
You gave me the strength.
Thanks.
I...
I didn't give you... I gave
you nothing, Mrs. Yeager.
No, no, I gave you nothing. Don't think
I'm anything better than what you have.
You think I've got this
charisma, but I don't!
I really don't, Mrs. Yeager.
It's just...
I have a little bit of it, but it just
sits on the surface. It doesn't run deep.
No kissing.
Deeper than you think.
I'll call you tomorrow. Mrs. Yeager,
it's been measured. It doesn't run deep.
No kissing here. I'm a shallowfellow.
Look. Shallow, shallow.
Really! Shallow!
She didn't know.
What am I gonna do?
I didn't call this.
I didn't do it.
Let me just...
Go out of frame this way.
All right.
During the examination,
basically get her expressions.
Just very nice. No...
We're not gonna shoot anything...
Just perfect. Just like
this, I trust you.
No, don't. No trust.
No, honestly. Shallow.
No. Just a decision. These are
just decisions. Mrs. Yeager?
The doctor will see you now.
All right, here we go.
Tasteful. Taste.
Just remember.
Excuse me. I don't think
the doctor would like...
Anyone other than the patient
in the examining room.
There's been a mistake.
See?
We're filming her life,
and we have her permission.
Someone from my crew was here
this morning and got a release.
No, not today.
You must be mistaken.
I don't think I'm mistaken.
I'll check.
Margaret, be with you in a few minutes.
Mrs. Yeager, how you feeling?
Much better, thank you.
What are these?
These are cameras.
No.
Goddamn it!
What's going on? I was cleared!
Come on, get out of here!
Wait, wait, wait. This
is a big motion picture.
I'm Albert Brooks. I don't
care who the hell you are!
Talk to my lawyers.
I was cleared. Get out. Out!
Dr. rennert, these people are with me.
They're filming my life.
I'm sorry, but I've had some bad
experiences with the 60 minutes people.
No, we're not news. We're not digging.
I don't even ask questions.
I'm just filming her, and right
now you're in their life.
They're in my life!
Mrs. Yeager, I'm getting angry.
My blood pressure's starting to soar.
What do you want me to do? You want them in
here? Fine. They can take out your I.U.D.
Two thorazine.
You don't understand.
I know what he wants.
This isn't a student film.
What are we talking about?
Look.
There's four of us here, okay?
He wants an abortion.
All right?
Two. Make it two.
I'll take a hysterectomy.
She'll have the same.
How about this for parking?
You think $500 might do it?
I just wanna film her life.
Please, don't make trouble.
You're gonna give me $500
to film an examination?
My god!
Maxwell rennert.
The baby broker!
Goddamn it!
Get out of here! I don't need this!
I can't believe it!
Didn't you see that incredible thing
Mike Wallace did on this man?
Sold children. They were
like baby slave auctions.
One of the best things
on 60 minutes I've ever seen!
Mike Wallace sent me a letter of apology.
I'll bet. Let's see it.
It's out being perma-plaqued.
You get out of here, goddamn it.
Go on, get out. Go on, out. You, get out.
Just a minute.
This guy's nuts!
I want this!
Look at me. My hands
are shakin' like a 90-year-old.
Hello?
Hi. Did I wake you?
I fell asleep for a minute.
I'm up though.
How are you? How you feeling?
Not too well.
Listen, Mrs. Yeager.
I'm very sorry about yesterday.
Maybe somebody in the crew can
help you find another doctor.
What do you think? No, that's okay.
I'm not...
That's okay.
Okay.
Hey, it's a nice sunny day out,
is there anyplace to go
horseback riding around here?
My grandmother had a stroke
this morning. My god!
That's terrible.
How old is she?
Eighty-one.
Well, that's very old.
I mean...
That's almost 90.
Did you tell Warren?
No, not yet.
Mrs. Yeager, you didn't
call me first! Yeah.
Don't do that.
Share this with him.
I hope she'll be okay.
I just...
She'll be all right.
I hadn't called in about three months.
Honey!
I just...
Hi.
Gotta go!
You cry it through, Mrs. Yeager. Be alone.
Share it with her husband.
She called me. What are you writing?
Just some notes.
Ted, she called me.
What kind of notes?
What happened to the effort we were supposed
to be making to stay out of their lives?
Ted, she called me.
Ted doesn't understand.
Ted! Ted!
Ted!
Ted, look, I didn't do anything here.
It's only the first week, and she seems
to be relying on you quite a bit.
What do you mean? Why didn't
she call her husband?
Ask her that. I'm not
the Indian rubber man.
My arm didn't slither across
the street, dial her phone...
And then snap back in.
Is the journal gonna print I'm
interfering because I took a call?
I don't know what
the journal's gonna print.
Ted, we've got to lighten up here.
Her grandmother had a stroke.
You know, I'm wondering if maybe you're
a little uncomfortable because...
Well, you know,
it's Phoenix and you're...
The only...
Well, you know.
There's not a, a lot of...
It's Phoenix.
There's...
You know what I'm trying
to say? Y-you're, you're...
You're the only...
Albert, you have more trouble
dealing with a black person...
Than any white man I have ever met.
I beg your pardon?
Hey, black meets white. Ted,
I'm not trying to do anything.
I'm just trying to tune in on
your particular level of anxiety.
That's all.
Boogie! Boogie! Boo!
Ted, stop distorting... no, I'm
not black, nor do I claim to be.
Yes, there's fears, misunderstandings,
and all that other mumbo-jumbo,
but they should have nothing
to do with this project.
I know more than anybody else that you
people are gonna take over the earth, okay?
You're stronger, faster.
You use heat better.
You've got the whole
next century wrapped up.
I know about Africa. It's seething.
Boom! There it goes.
But it shouldn't stand
in the way of this film.
We're working as a team.
We should put all that
other stuff on the back burner.
Yeah! We can put all "dat"
on the back burner!
Let me go in the kitchen
and check on the burner now.
See...
I find that insulting, Ted.
I find that insulting.
I never said you talked like that.
That's why people like Jonas salk...
Think comedians are jerks.
Fine, he's writing that down.
I'll write it too.
"I never said that."
Get that down on paper.
Get a permanent record of that.
Date this.
Now it's all permanent.
That's not what you said!
You said this would be my scene.
- Lisa, we don't have the time. I'm sorry.
- Albert!
I've gotta go. Larry, in here. Let's go.
She's only getting confirmed once.
Honey, it's an emergency.
Good luck!
Wait for the guy.
Okay. All right, he's in.
Let's go.
Bye, bye. It's really not
nice to break a promise.
Wait a second. Honestly, this is Sunday.
I don't have two crews.
But my dress!
I'm filming your dress.
Get a good shot of her dress.
This isn't fair.
If you have time, when you're
finished come by the church.
We will!
Bye, bye.
You liar!
Bye.
Bye, bye.
I feel bad about letting her down.
Don't worry. She's fine.
You made the right decision.
If you pull over for a second... I can
get another crew. I'll make a call.
You did the best you could, really.
You haven't had an emergency
since we've been here.
I haven't had an emergency
in six months. Really?
This is exciting.
Yes, it is.
Don't worry about anything.
Everything is under control.
Apparently, a beautiful old show
horse had a heart attack...
In the middle of a parade
in downtown Phoenix.
Without an immediate and delicate bypass
operation, the horse wouldn't make it.
Although Yeager had performed this
kind of surgery only once before,
he expressed confidence, and
put the horse's owner at ease.
At 11:30,
preparation for surgery began.
Take it up.
Okay.
Things proceeded smoothly.
At 11:38 the horse was hooked up
to the artificial respirator.
The time was drawing near.
At 11:41...
Yeager and his assistants
had finished their preparation.
We were ready.
You could feel the excitement
in the air as Yeager ordered...
The final dosage of anesthetic.
Okay, let's give him two and
a half percent halothane...
And then give me
capillary refill time please.
Two and a half percent.
Refill time:
One second.
Good. That's good.
Okay.
Let's go over our final
checklist, and we're ready.
Respiration?
Six.
Good.
Let me see. Blood pressure? What
was the blood pressure earlier?
One-ten over 60.
What do we have now?
One hundred over 52.
That's perfect.
Okay, let me see. -
check pupil dilation.
Good. Okay.
Color's good.
Let's check his pulse.
Okay. This is
dressed properly.
Pulse is 44.
Good. E.K.G.?
Normal.
Okay.
Let's give him the anesthetic,
and we're on our way.
Two and a half percent halothane.
You want another two and a half percent?
Dr. Yeager?
What?
Two and a half percent?
Yes.
Dr. Yeager, that's five
percent halothane. Five?
No, no, no.
I said two and a half percent.
I heard you order it twice. No. No.
- I couldn't have said that. Two and a half percent.
- You said it twice.
No, that's too much.
- That's too much.
- You ordered it.
I did? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
We got it on the film.
My god!
Wait! Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Do something.
We have no pulse.
Two and a half and
two and a half makes five.
The operation was over at
11:45,
well ahead of schedule.
No.
Dr. Yeager took a short break,
and then asked if he could
see me alone in his office.
Of course I obliged.
Quite an ordeal, yes, it was.
Albert, I know we have an agreement,
and probably shouldn't
be asking you this.
But I'd be rather embarrassed
if what just went on in there...
Were included in this movie.
It's not gonna do me
any good at all personally.
People in Phoenix
are gonna see this movie.
I think you're overreacting.
I know what you're saying, but I think
it showed you in a very good light.
It was very interesting.
I appreciate that.
But I'm gonna have to continue to
work here after this film comes out.
I don't know if I owned an animal and I saw me
losing that horse, whether I would trust me.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah,
but I wouldn't worry about it.
You see, people go to doctors
for personal reasons,
and you gave off
something very good in there.
It seems like you did
everything you could.
You just didn't know. You made a mistake.
Everybody makes mistakes.
I don't know people are all that understanding
when it comes to their own pets.
I think they are. I've
had people come to me...
Because somebody else botched up a broken
leg on a dog, for example, and it...
No, I think people
are very understanding.
They've been very bitter about
whomever they've been to before.
This is the worst possible advertising
a person like me could have.
You understand that?
Well, I'll tell you what.
Don't worry about it now.
It's on my mind now.
Forget it now. As far as you're
concerned now, it's out.
You couldn't just sign something
to that effect, could you?
No. I mean, I could, but then
it's gonna be on my mind.
Hello?
No one's in here.
Dr. Yeager?
What the hell's goin' on here?
Hello?
Anybody home?
Could you at least give me
some kind of assurance...
That this won't be the only time in
the movie you'll see me working?
Can you show me saving
all those cats and dogs?
Come on, will ya?
Remember the old saying:
"To err is human;
To film divine."
No, it was very good.
What happened?
We lost her.
You lost her?
I'm sorry.
How could you lose her?
I'm really sorry.
Don't you have people here
who stay with the animals?
Let's get the damn hell
out of here and find her.
That was just the beginning
of what was to be a bad time...
In the Yeagers' lives.
On Wednesday Mrs. Yeager
was informed...
That her grandmother
passed away from the stroke.
The funeral took place two days later,
and we were graciously allowed
to film it.
Through Jesus Christ,
our lord. Amen.
"Jesus said, 'i am
the resurrection and the life.
'He that believeth in me,
though he were dead... '"
I hate to keep harping on this, but I
can't concentrate on my work anymore.
I've never killed an animal that size.
This isn't the place.
We'll talk about it later.
Honey, this is the place.
I'm upset, you're upset.
What if he uses that scene?
Could you stop talking about that movie
for one minute? What's the matter?
What's the matter? Look up there.
That's my grandmother.
I realize that, but what's gonna
happen when the kids go to school...
And their friends say, "hey, did
your dad really kill that horse"?
What are the kids gonna say? What are
the kids gonna tell their friends?
If I could have your undivided attention.
I'm sure you'll feel better
after this is over.
Let us pray.
Almighty god...
Things got worse.
The following week was...
One of the most depressing periods I
had experienced since early childhood.
The entire family was now grief stricken.
She with her grandmother,
he with the grandmother and the animal.
Day after day was the same.
Lifeless.
Dr. Yeager would sleep sometimes
for 18 hours straight.
As a filmmaker I was frustrated.
I wanted to help.
Dr. Yeager?
An exhibition of paintings
by navajo children...
Will be on display throughout the month.
Dr. Yeager?
Hello?
Jeanette?
It's Albert.
Hi. Well, I know that you two...
Have been very depressed, and...
Well, I've been avoiding you.
I don't know if you're aware of it,
but I have for a couple of weeks...
'Cause I didn't think
we should be getting involved.
And now I'm beginning to think...
That if I can help you, maybe
you can help everybody else.
So... what am I trying to say?
You wanna have dinner with me?
A snack?
You wanna...
Dinner?
Well, I mean, look.
I thought about that scene we had at the
shopping center. It was a good scene.
It was nice action.
And we talked.
That's more than anyone else
is doing right now, so...
I mean, maybe...
I don't know. Come on over.
Albert, I feel badly about that day.
I'm still a little embarrassed
about that.
- I think that what you said there was right.
- What did I say?
You said about you not being any
better than what I already have.
- I said that?
- I think you were right.
Come on, get serious.
I have to make this work or I'm not
gonna have any respect for myself.
- You know what I mean?
- I see. Okay.
Albert, this has nothing to do with you.
It's between Warren and me.
You hate me then, now, right?
No, no.
I think you're very nice. Nice. Okay.
You do what you have to do.
Just talk, though. Work it
out with language. It helps.
I'm not d.W. Griffith. I'm gonna get
in big trouble if there's no dialogue.
We will.
Okay. Promise?
It's going to get better.
Great.
It didn't.
The following Saturday, Jeanette
invited some friends over...
For a barbecue.
She set the table, he set the mood.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I had decided that was it!
These people had been depressed...
Long enough.
Hello?
Where are the kids? They went to school.
Lisa had a test.
Went with Lisa.
Well, look, this was just a very
serious attempt to cheer everybody up.
But I needed the kids.
It was really for them.
I'll come back when they're home.
Albert, please come in.
We're just talking here. Please come in.
But I did this...
I'll come back when the kids are home.
I understand. Please come in.
No, come on. I gotta shower.
Let me shower.
Albert, please. Okay, we'll come in.
Okay, okay, okay. Hi.
- Hi.
- No, I gotta go home. Come on.
Please. I'd really
appreciate it. Please.
Just sit down for a moment. Thank you.
All right, okay. Okay.
How are you?
You want a cup of coffee? No, no.
Hi.
Well, I'm sure you know that...
We're upset.
What, are you kidding me?
That's why I rented this whole outfit.
"You didn't rent me."
Bunny, we're talking seriously now.
Albert, wait.
Now, I don't know too much about it,
but I feel like I'm having
a nervous breakdown.
No!
Don't act like that.
Come on.
The best thing you can do
is just to relax.
See, when you feel this way, you clam up.
That's no good.
I understand there's
been a couple of deaths.
So what?
Look. I haven't gotten used
to this whole process myself.
I cried the other night.
About what? I don't remember.
See? I'm mixed up too.
I just don't clam up.
Look.
There's a big meeting coming
up at the end of this month.
You know, with the institute and
the people from the studio.
The one we're not invited to?
"I can't go either."
That's right, he can't.
Why don't I see if I can call it earlier?
Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday
if they can get down here.
I don't know exactly what to
tell you, but these people do.
They're scientists.
That's their business.
If you'd listen to me, though,
I think you'd feel better.
Just get it out.
Don't internalize.
Talk to anybody, a neighbor.
Talk to an animal.
Really, Warren.
Trust me.
We called the meeting for Wednesday.
These monthly feedback and input sessions
were crucial to the success of this project.
For the institute, this was the time
to provide analysis and guidance,
based on the footage they were viewing.
For the studio, this was the time
to discuss financial matters,
personnel problems,
and other cinematic details.
This was Dr. Jeremy noland, project
coordinator for the institute,
an ambitious man.
Dr. Ann Kramer, a good psychologist,
generally a nice person.
I think she liked me.
Dr. hill was there,
Dr. cleary,
and Martin brand, the studio
executive in charge of this picture.
Brand took this project over from
a younger man who was fired.
Martin was used to the old Hollywood...
With its big stars and lavish sets.
He didn't know what we were doing here.
I guess that's why he felt it was
unnecessary to actually come to Phoenix.
So, we've taken voiceprints
from day 12 to day 18,
compared them against the prints of these same
people from the first week of the project,
and no matter which way we computed
them, they came out the same.
Now, these people are definitely operating
differently now than when filming started.
There are changes in all
four voiceprint patterns,
and the extent of these changes is
confirmed by changes in body temperature,
as revealed by the infrared
analysis of the film.
Now, each of us may have a different
explanation for what's going on here,
but it's undeniable that you've strongly
altered the reality you're filming.
In my opinion, you're getting
a false reality here,
and I don't know what
you're gonna do about it.
Me? Wait a second.
I-I'd like to get back to something
Ann said a little earlier.
You said you think I look heavier
now than when the filming started.
Where would that be? In the cheeks?
No, no.
I said that in some of the later
footage, you look somewhat fatigued.
I see. That's all right.
Not fat, fatigued.
I've been up a lot. Fatigued is
okay, but heavy's another thing.
'Cause I eat raw vegetables. There's
no reason I should... Mr. Brooks.
Yes? Okay. You look fine.
Now I'd like, if we
could, to go to day four.
I believe that's, scene 31.
Now here's some footage
I'd like to show you.
Lights.
What?
What did you say? Lights.
No. See, this is my home.
It's not a projection room.
If you'd say, "would you like to turn
the lights off?" I'd say, "sure."
"Lights," he says.
Man lives in the kitchen?
Now, we've blown up
what I want to show you,
and I'm gonna keep repeating it, because
it's hard to catch the first time.
In fact, the computer didn't
catch it till the second run.
When we started filming Warren Yeager,
he was drinking coffee with his right hand only,
no assistance at all from his left hand...
As distinctive a trait as handwriting.
Now watch again.
Right hand only.
That's it.
Now, on day 13,
he starts drinking coffee
with both his hands.
Now watch the decision.
There! Now watch again.
What?
Watch the decision. There!
See? He's much less relying
on his entire right side.
Come on!
Yes, it's conceivable
that within two months...
He will have shifted the cup
entirely to his left hand,
and his right hand will remain unused
throughout the entire gesture.
Total change in body language.
Lights.
Very interesting.
I hadn't noticed it at all.
Well, wait a minute. I mean,
this cup could've been hot.
Nope. The infrared
analysis of the film...
Shows no difference in the
effective temperature of the dish.
Albert, may I interrupt
for one minute, please?
People aren't gonna walk out of a
theater saying, "I don't like that guy",
the guy who holds the cup with
one hand, with two hands."
Absolutely. I'll tell you what they
do have a good chance of saying.
"Where the hell is Paul Newman?
Where's redford? Where's Nicholson?"
Jesus. Believe me, they prefer
Nicholson with the cup...
Than the cup with the other guy.
Albert, so you keep Yeager in, but you gotta
get somebody in the movie, for Christ's sake.
You maybe oughta add a next-door
neighbor, or a boss, or a cleaning lady,
somebody with a name, somebody
who'd draw some people.
You've got rock friends.
Would it be so bad to have Neil diamond
sitting in a meeting like this? Schmuck!
You'll make a hell of a lot more money with Neil
diamond in there than with the guy with the cup!
Could we get back on the track? I
need someone to get that cup for me.
Stop with the cup! Really,
I can't hear this anymore.
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Explain to me in english, please.
All right.
Quite simply, the filming has triggered a drastic
emotional change in these people's lives.
They don't know how to deal with it, and
you don't know how to deal with it.
And that's bad? I don't live
in a world of good and bad.
I don't talk that language.
I think we're building a lot of
conclusions on a little bit of evidence.
Maybe what these people are going through
is growth. Maybe it's inevitable.
And healthy. Absolutely right.
Howard's right.
Excuse me. I would like
to hear from Dr. cleary.
Do you really want to know what I think?
Yes, please.
Okay.
One, we get out of these people's lives.
We must get out of this house.
- Wait a minute.
- I'm not through.
We go away at night.
We film only when scheduled.
We give them some privacy
and stability...
So that when they wake up in the morning,
they don't think that they're on a movie set!
A movie set. Martin, tell him how
different this is from a movie set.
On a movie set, you got
actors that are well-known.
If they give you trouble, you call their
agents and you put some heat under their ass.
Thanks. Look, Ted, there's no
reason to get out of this house.
I spent a lot in purchasing it, and a
lot in decorating it. It's unnecessary.
It is very necessary.
It's not necessary.
You know how difficult it is to get
wallpaper? How difficult is it?
It's very difficult!
This is Phoenix!
We're talking about people's lives, and
you're talking about your damn wallpaper!
You know you spend 80% of
your life looking at walls?
Gentlemen, please.
I went to L.A.
for that wallpaper!
- The reason...
- Wait a minute. May I...
May I make a suggestion that might break
this logjam? Who invited you in the bedroom?
Mr. Brooks, please? What?
The institute has a center
up in the foothills...
That's used for encounter and therapy sessions,
mainly for our executives and clients.
But I think we should consider taking
the Yeagers up there for a weekend.
I think they'll open up again.
Yes. You mean like Echelon?
Like hot tubs?
Nature trails, massage. Absolutely!
See? That's somethin'
I can use! Great.
Thank you. Are you crazy? You wanna
fly all these people to Colorado?
What?
Why don't you just put 'em all on drugs?
Give them psychiatrists. Enroll them all
in private schools while you're at it.
Just a minute!
We got a budget!
Remember the costs, Dr. clearson.
Please remember the costs.
Yeah.
Costs.
You spend a half a million
dollars on research.
I don't think you've spent a dime finding
a qualified person to head this project.
You've got someone
at the controls of a 747...
Who's never even flown as a passenger.
That was airport '76.
Ted, I think I've logged more miles...
Than you and your entire
university put together.
- You're missing the point.
- I'm not missing the point.
I'm a million-miler. You know what
that means? I'll show you my pin.
I can get into any v.I.P.
Lounge in this country, Ted.
I knock on the door, I tell 'em my name,
give 'em the pin number, sit in the lounge.
I can drink coffee and eat their doughnuts,
and I don't even have to be flying anywhere.
How many people do you know
who can do that,
how many people can go down to an airport
lounge and say, "let me in, I just wanna sit"?
I can do that, Ted, in O'Hare airport.
I've taken a date there after a movie.
Just sat and had coffee in the lounge,
and I wasn't even flying anywhere!
Missing your point! Albert, Albert.
Ted, come on. I-i feel what
we need now is a break.
I'm starving. Can we eat? Great idea.
I know a great Mexican-like restaurant.
I'll treat, okay?
"We're just getti" all cooped up here.
All right, Albert, I'm gonna hang up now.
Okay, Martin.
I wanna leave you with two words. Yeah?
James caan. Is that real enough for you?
That's great.
Bye-bye.
Come on, Ted. Albert, Albert.
Can I speak to you a second?
Come on, let's go eat.
Could you sit down for a minute?
Sure.
My association with
this project has ended.
I'm leaving Phoenix as soon as I can.
Why? 'Cause we just
had a little tiff?
Come on, Ted. Come out and eat.
You'll feel better.
No,you'll feel better. Eating
doesn't do that for me.
We're not the same person. I'm
gonna have to disagree with you.
I think we're very much alike.
See, that's why we can get
into these kind of debates.
I think you'd be surprised at
how much alike we really are.
I'd be more than surprised.
I'd be suicidal.
Good luck to you.
Ted, may I ask a personal question?
Don't you like the accommodations?
Do you want a suite?
Really, sometimes two rooms
can make a big difference.
You read in one and sleep in the other.
I know what a single can do. It can get
depressing. I can take care of it.
You amaze me, truly. Well, thank you.
But what about the journal
of American psychology?
It's just possible if you leave now,
the journal may not be thrilled
with a half-assed job.
The journal of American psychology?
Are you kidding?
Their field is science, not buffoonery.
You take care, you hear?
What do you mean
their field is science, Ted?
Wait a minute, Ted!
Come back!
If their field is science,
what do you think this is?
Look, Ted!
This is science!
What is the institute?
Dry cereal, Ted?
Come back!
Science! Look!
It's all science!
Ted, come back!
Ted?
I was upset...
By Dr. cleary's
sudden departure.
All right!
But it turned out to be
a blessing in disguise.
We're gonna need some help. Larry,
don't worry about filming that.
I think the pressure of the journal
was just too much for everyone.
Yeah, put it in your living room.
Given a little time and help
from his wife and family,
Dr. Yeager started
to come out of his shell.
I was grateful,
and I wanted him to know it.
Wait. Larry, we're gonna need some help,
okay? We'll get help in a second.
I feel guilty about taking it.
No, don't feel guilty.
Someone gave it to me. I can't use it.
What am I gonna do, throw it away?
Why can't you use it? It's very
expensive, very expensive.
I know, I know. Why don't you use it?
Well, it's just...
I'm in the business, you know?
And it's too big for me.
It just makes me insecure
to see a TV that big.
But you can get anything on it.
Yeah, football.
You like football? The ball
comes right into your room,
you like to go to the football games?
Yes, I do.
Open up for me.
Season tickets.
You'll do good. You'll love this thing.
I love it.
It's very expensive. I know. Thank you.
Thanks a million.
Okay, okay.
Help. We need help.
Well, the storm had passed.
By the middle of February, my
filmmaking dream had come true.
I had a happy family, a beautiful city...
And a chance to show the French
what a montage was all about.
And then, something happened.
Still moving at a leisurely pace,
the Yeagers were shocked...
When they picked up the Sunday
edition of the Arizona Republic,
dated February 19th.
On page one of part "b"...
Was the first in a series of
five articles from a new book.
The book was called
nightmare in the desert.
Its author,
Dr. Theodore cleary.
Apparently, cleary took
his notes from the journal...
And decided to make the fast buck.
Stringing together a bunch
of familiar catchphrases...
Like "mind control"
and "psychological rape,"
he wrote one of those quickie books,
the kind you peddle to the publishers
who missed out on Watergate.
Howard, please don't come into
my house and read crap, okay?
If you want to do it, stay at the hotel.
Albert, you oughta read this, really.
Ask any great entertainer.
They don't read bad reviews.
"Out of sight, out of
mind." Jolson said it.
He...
He says you're dangerous.
They called babe Ruth dangerous,
he also says you're paranoid.
They called babe Ruth paranoid, too.
I'm making a special breakfast. If
you want to eat it, no reading.
- Hello?
- Hi. Did you read it?
Hi, mitz.
I'm reading it now.
What do they mean, you're like
prisoners of war? I don't know yet.
I wanna finish reading. I'll call you back.
What's going on over there?
I'll get it.
No, honey.
No, I-I'll get it.
Yes?
Mr. Yeager?
Dr. Yeager.
I'm sorry.
Jim Sanders, channel 5 news.
Can we come in?
W-what can I do for you? It's
kind of windy out there.
Do you mind if we come in for just a minute?
Yeah, all right.
Thank you. Hey, you're
from TV, channel 12!
You're close. Channel 5.
Is that your girl?
Yeah. What can I do for you? We're
in the middle of breakfast.
Well, listen. I don't wanna interrupt.
You go right ahead.
It's just, we're following up on that
story in the paper this morning.
You know, the one about the-the
"bizarre Phoenix family."
It looks like we got a national news
story right in our backyard here,
and, well, I-i wondered if we could
film you guys having breakfast maybe.
Would that be okay? Well,
they're already doing it.
What's that thing?
It's a camera. Yeah? Look at that.
I wonder how we can work that into the story.
Excuse me one second.
I wanna make a quick call.
W-would you just excuse me?
Yeah, sure. Hey, listen. One thing.
In the paper, it-it kind of implies there's
a sort of brainwashing going on here.
- Would you comment on that?
- Excuse me just one second.
Can I take that to mean yes?
Hello? Albert? Warren.
Hi. Could you come over here right away?
Let me eat first, babe. No,
please don't eat first.
There's a whole news crew here
from channel 12. Channel 5.
- What?
- Channel 5.
Albert?
Albert?
No, no.
Come on.
The fella you wanna see
will be right over.
Yeah. This is, Ted cleary,
no. Albert Brooks.
Right.
- He's what?
- How do you mean?
I'm tryin' to get all the positions straight.
There were so many names in that article.
I-I can't tell who
was who, frankly.
May I help you? Yeah. You're al, right?
I'm Albert, yes. Hey, great.
Channel 5 news, al.
Listen, we're doin' some follow-up on
that story in the paper this morning.
Dr. Yeager was
tellin' me...
That you're filming him and
his family having breakfast.
I thought maybe when you're done,
if you could get them to put on another quick
little breakfast thing for us to film,
it'd really help us out.
I beg your pardon?
I don't say this on every
story I go out on,
but this thing feels big,
it really feels good,
and everybody in town's gonna be on it.
But since we're the first ones here, I
thought we could get something special.
Feels big, feels good? Yeah. Yeah.
Get out of here! You're trespassing!
Hey, Leo!
Get film on this guy! Get nothing on this!
You're trespassing!
You're trespassing! This is a movie set!
Wait a minute!
This is a news story! No, it's a movie!
This is copyrighted!
Get out of here! On your
copyright, somebody's lying!
Hum a few bars and figure it out!
Just move! All right! I
want film on this guy.
No, you don't!
Get out of here!
I want to tell you something. This thing
started out to be some kind of a puff piece.
Now you got me a little bit pissed off.
I'm gonna get outta here, and I'm gonna
come back here with a court order!
Court order? That's right, a court order!
I'll get the biggest lawyer in this
country down to this jerkwater burg!
You'll see a jury of your peers turn against
you so fast, you won't know what hit you!
Yeah? Mr. cleary, you're gonna regret this.
It's Mr. Brooks!
And don't threaten me! I work
much better out of pressure!
Get out!
It's fine. Go back.
Have a good breakfast.
I'll be across the street.
I'll take a shower.
The shower didn't help.
Mr. Yeager!
The media stayed away
from the Yeagers' house.
However, off their property
they were fair game.
It started on Monday afternoon.
While coming home from lunch, Dr. and Mrs.
Yeager encountered a "live eye" truck.
I don't wanna talk to you.
It won't take long. Come on.
People are awful worried about you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please.
Excuse us.
Come on, talk to us.
Dr. Yeager!
Mrs. Yeager!
Tuesday afternoon.
Wait, Mrs. Yeager!
Are they hurting you?
While returning from a shopping spree,
Mrs. Yeager and the
children were accosted.
Lisa, Eric. We have a lot
of viewers out there...
You would think the news would have
something better to do in a city this size.
I have no comment at this time.
Please, Mrs. Yeager.
Wait just a moment. How about your children?
How are they holding up?
Everything is just fine. Please.
How old are your children?
Dr. Yeager, can we get
a couple of words with...
Can you take just a second?
Doctor? Doctor?
What are they doin' to you? Are they
tryin' to hurt you and your family?
Look over here, Dr. Yeager.
Are they hurting you?
Can you give us a minute?
Give me a smile.
Dr. and Mrs. Yeager. No comment.
No comment.
Why did you come to see this particular film?
Please, please.
Can you tell me this?
No comment on the film?
No comment. Will you stay
to see the second feature?
Kids, don't say anything.
Dr. Yeager, over here!
Were you forced to see this movie?
Over here!
As you know, Albert, some
members of the institute...
An emergency meeting was called for 6:00 P.M.
on Saturday the 25th.
It was requested by the head of the
national institute of human behavior,
Dr. Isaac Steven hayward.
Entirely a new field,
the psychological...
And approved by Martin brand,
who considered this meeting important
enough to call from Catalina,
interrupting the first vacation
he'd had in over a week.
Albert, we're known in Europe...
As I sat across the table from this man,
I was slowly losing my respect
for higher education.
Also, he wore far too much Cologne.
When you have a reputation in as difficult a
field as this, you've got to maintain it.
And you think
something's going on here...
That's preventing you from
maintaining your reputation?
I have no opinion. Pfft!
But we've done a great many
tests in the last five days...
Everything from public opinion surveys
to urinalyses of our own staff.
Fine. What do
the tests tell you?
They indicate to us
that our efforts here...
Have come to the end
of their useful life.
Anything beyond this point would
be severely counterproductive.
I see.
Now it's becoming clear.
The institute gets
a little heat, and boom!
They not only leave the kitchen, they
take the whole kitchen with them!
Let's consider the family for a moment.
What'd you do?
Run urine tests on them too?
We did a series on them, yes.
Thanks, Howie. Hope you didn't
get your little hands wet.
Come on! Jesus Christ!
Look. These people are very close to
complete personality disintegration.
Don't make me laugh.
I don't remember a time in my life when I haven't
been close to personality disintegration.
And how the hell would you know what
these people are feeling, anyway?
From your Mickey mouse tests? Don't
blame the tests for what they tell us.
I don't blame 'em. They're great.
Why don't we do more,
I bet you'd like it,
wouldn't you, noland?
Wanna get that cup again?
I'll get you lots of cups.
Maybe a hundred cups! I'll tell
you something about you people.
You're great with cups, but
what you don't have are balls!
I think if you ask any magician, he'll tell you
that cups without balls doesn't mean Jack shit!
Albert, what the hell
are you talking about?
Look, let's not argue.
Say the family's fine.
Say the family's perfect. Let's
talk about you for a minute.
Look what you've done.
You failed, that's what you
did. You schmuck, you failed.
You started out with this artsy-craftsy
reality crap, and what did you end up with?
The news! The goddamn news!
People get that for free.
You think somebody's
gonna hire a baby-sitter,
take a taxicab, go all the
way the hell downtown,
go up to the box office,
shell out four bucks...
And say, "here! Here!
Here's my four dollars!"
What time does the news go on"?
"Here. Here's
my four dollars."
Is money your entire life, Martin?
Money! Money! Let's talk about
human beings for a minute!
Across the street are four people.
These people had a dream.
They took on a project.
It was new, it was exciting,
and it was supposed to go
a whole year, not two months!
Now, I'm in show business. I'm used
to my commitments being dumped on.
But these people are ordinary
people with ordinary feelings.
Do you wanna go across
the street and tell them?
No! You won't even
come down here!
Do you wanna take that responsibility?
No! Just a minute.
I think they know more than
you give them credit for.
- Look who's talking.
- The pee hoarder.
Someone should answer the door.
Why? Why not take
a urinalysis of it?
Then we'll know who it is without
going there. Isn't that a great idea?
Come on, noland!
More data! More data!
We need more data. Come on, Dr.
Cup! More data!
More data, get some data for me!
More data!
More data! More data!
We need more, more.
Hi. What a breath
of fresh air.
Please, come in.
Here are your tests, your living tests.
Dr. and Mrs. Yeager, I'm in
the communications business,
and it's my job
to get through to these people,
but I don't think
I'm doing very good at it.
I don't think they understand the
meaning of the word "commitment,"
the word
"dedication."
Maybe you can explain it to them.
- We wanna stop.
- What?
This is over.
No.
Look, I don't wanna get into any
more of your intellectual arguments.
This is ruining our lives. This
is not what we bargained for.
There was no bargaining.
You applied, we accepted.
Albert, the children are afraid to go
to school. That's normal, trust me.
Look, I don't care
what you think is normal.
We no longer wanna be involved in this
project. That's final. That's it.
This was the whole family's decision.
I'll bet it was.
I'm sure little Eric got a full
vote, we're not gonna discuss this.
Okay, no discussion. Just a
few facts and loose ends,
$25,000. That's more than half your money
was due on the completion of this picture.
I don't think this is the end, and I think
you're gonna have to go without the boat...
And the trailer you've been talking about
for a couple of months, and Lisa's braces.
I know something about teeth.
She may look all right now.
In three years she'll
be an elephant girl.
These come right down to her waist.
And also, if something, god
forbid, really bad happens,
you have no insurance, you're
not in the screen actors guild,
you have no coverage, you'll
get no benefits. Stop it!
With what they've been through, we could
just pay them and forget about it.
Okay, we'll forget about it.
Go ahead, take the money.
Go ahead. I'm gonna get the family
that I wanted to choose anyway.
- What was their name, the one I wanted?
- The feltons.
The feltons, Wisconsin! That's
the heart of this country.
Here's what I say. We all take a week off.
I'll get a high colonic.
Then we'll come back with a new
family, a bigger institute...
And another studio!
We're not spending another
dime on this picture!
You're nuts to wanna do this again.
- Don't call me nuts! You're nuts!
- You're nuts!
You're nuts! You're nuts! You're nuts!
You're nuts! You're nuts! You schmuck.
- You're nuts!
- I'm hangin' up!
You're nuts!
No, no, no! Wait! Please, wait!
Wait, wait!
Let's think about me for just one second.
0dr. Yeager, animals
don't go to movies.
You think 6,000 dogs are gonna
come out of radio city going,
"I didn't like the vet so much"?
No, no. I have to deal with people
like John Simon and Rex Reed.
Have you ever met these people?
They're killers.
What are they gonna see? January
and February in Phoenix?
You think that's gonna do it for me?
I got nothin' on you.
I got no birthdays.
I don't have any holidays.
I got nothing.
Where am I gonna be July 4th?
Sitting alone in L.A.?
No. I wanna be here
with you, filming you.
Where am I gonna be Halloween?
Sitting alone? No.
I wanna follow Lisa around
in her cute little costume.
What about Thanksgiving?
I wanna see you eat the ham.
I wanna watch you carve up the ham.
And Christmas?
Please.
I wanna be here for Christmas!
I want that
12-foot tree...
With the angel hair
and the popcorn balls!
Albert.
Please!
Albert, Albert, please. Please!
Please, Albert.
I'm fine.
Folks, we're going to need your
signatures on some disclaimers,
and some, statements on film.
Just a few short seconds.
Albert?
Albert, here.
What is it?
Valium.
Thanks. What am I gonna wash it down with?
Urine, Howard?
Go on, Albert, take it.
It'll be good for you.
Good. Thanks for being so considerate.
You were a big help at the table.
Why don't you get the disclaimers?
Just go get the disclaimers
from them. Okay.
My god.
Mr. Brooks?
How did this happen? Are you okay?
- I put some coffee on.
- Thank you.
Folks, if you don't mind,
we'll just have you sign these.
These are some standard forms
relating to limitations of liability.
I'm sure you have your clients
sign much the same thing, doctor.
And while you're doing that,
I'll ask you some questions...
And get your answers on film.
This would normally be done at the
end of the project... which this is.
What a sad day.
I'm a big jerk.
I ruined their life.
How did I do it?
I didn't mean to do it.
I'm a failure.
I'm a failure.
You're not a failure.
Yes, I am.
I'm a failure.
How did it happen?
I had good intentions.
Hey, it can't be that bad. Look.
You heard what he said.
His kids can't go to school.
They're all screwed up.
They'll never be the same again.
Why do I even make movies?
I have no right to make movies. I
shouldn't be allowed to do this.
"Did any representative of the national
institute of human behavior...
"At any time interfere with the
normal conduct of your business...
Or family life?"
Keeping in mind...
That Mr. Brooks is not connected
with the institute.
- No.
- You know what I gotta go do now?
I gotta go put this on, and go down to a
children's hospital and make kids laugh.
I can't do it.
Hospital?
It's a benefit. I committed to
it weeks ago, but I can't do it.
I can't be the happy clown.
What am I gonna say to 'em?
"Hello, kids. My movie just got
screwed up, but that's okay.
Get well, 'cause someday you'll go
out and have some jerk film you."
Why did I pick reality? Why did I
pick that out of all the subjects?
I don't know anything about it.
What was I doing?
I'm a stupid, stupid jerk.
"Were you coerced in any way...
"To participate in this project?" no.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Stop me if I do it.
I overreact a lot. It's good, it's good?
Yeah. I shouldn't be hard on myself.
We got good scenes here.
You're right. Hey, it's a good movie.
We got nice things.
We got animals, we got kids,
we got sunny days.
What else do you want?
So it ended eight months early.
Like an abortion.
It's an abortion.
This thing's an abortion. I'm involved
in an abortion. God, I'm in big trouble.
"You suffered no financial or monetary
damage as a result of any dealings...
"With representatives
of the institute?" no.
"Nor did you assume any
financial obligations...
"Which might result in any
claims against the institute...
By third parties?"
no, no.
I mean, they were gonna give me a year.
They were gonna give me a whole year.
I was gonna do somethin' nice. I
was gonna end with new year's!
Up! Up!
The beginning! New!
Somethin' so audiences can
go home and smile. But this?
"Would this experience prejudice
you against participating in...
Another type of audience or marketing
research at some future date?"
I don't think so.
Well, not a live-in.
Not a live-in, no.
I never thought I'd say this.
The studio is right.
The audience loves fake.
They crave fake.
Reality sucks.
I can do fake.
I'm capable.
I just won't get a chance. I won't
ever be able to work again.
Come on, take it easy.
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's not too late.
We can end this movie fake.
We can end it big.
We can end it up. We can
send the people home happy.
Mr. Brooks! What? What?
There's no law that says, what,
"start real, can't end fake"?
What are they gonna do? Put me in movie jail?
It's a fake jail. Come on.
What's the biggest movie
ever made? Come on.
We'll take, we'll borrow.
That's the meaning of art.
You borrow a little, a little, a little,
put it together... it's something new.
What's the biggest movie? Star wars.
How did it end? sir?
- You okay?
- Zoom! They blew up a planet!
They blew up a planet! Fantastic!
We can do that! How did they do it?
What's the trick?
How did they do it?
Come on!
Help me!
"Has your association
with the institute...
Benefitted your life
in any way?"
I'd like to think about that a little.
What's the second biggest film?
Jaws. All right, jaws.
This is a good idea.
This is a good idea!
I can save this picture!
Jaws.
My god, Pete.
There is a gigantic fish down at the zoo. I
remember when we were down there filming.
The zookeeper's a fan of mine 'cause I gave
him an autograph. He'll let us in tonight.
I can get the family down there
in the middle of the night.
We'll have this confrontation...
Gigantic fish, family.
They'll meet.
I'll put music behind it.
I'm mentally ill.
I'm goin' nuts.
God. what am I gonna do?
What's the third biggest film?
Gone with the wind.
Timeless, timeless film. Beautiful film.
How did it end?
I didn't see it.
You didn't see it? You didn't
see gone with the wind?
Only the biggest film ever made.
You didn't see it?
My god, it was spectacular, Pete.
You oughta go see it.
You're in this business. They only
burn down the city of Atlanta.
A gigantic fire.
I mean...
I mean...
Mr. Brooks?
Mr. Brooks?
"Had you heard of the institute
before the project began?"
No.
"Which of the tests
did you enjoy the most?"
I enjoyed working with the computers.
I wouldn't say that I
enjoyed any of the testing.
Is it the coffee burning?
No, that smells a little like toast.
You didn't put anything...
Excuse me for a second, please.
Albert, what...
Trust me!
Albert! Albert, my god!
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Isn't it beautiful?
Look at that!
The kids! Yeah, the kids! Save the kids!
What a beautiful family!
This family is so beautiful!
Albert, stop! Are you crazy? Crazy?
Get out! Go ahead, get outta here!
Was David o. Selznick crazy?
Albert!
My god!
My god, Pete!
Pete!
My god!
Come here!
Are you okay?
Look!
Can you see it?
Can you see it?
Isn't it beautiful?
Focus for me, baby!
I can't see! It's beautiful!
It's so beautiful!
I can't see! It's beautiful!
- God, it's beautiful!
- Darling, run!
Albert, for god's sake, get out!
Save them! Save them!
Look at 'em go!
This is so exciting! This is a million
times better than a big fish!
This is so beautiful!
We did it, Pete!
We did it! We did it! I can't see!
I can't see! We did it!
Look at it, babe!
It's the most spectacular ending
anybody could've ever had!
Humor! Pathos!
Tragedy!
And it's real!
It's real!
Their house is really burning!