Reality Bites (1994) Movie Script
And they wonder why
those of us in our twenties...
refuse to work
an 80-hour week...
just so we can afford
to buy their BMWs...
why we aren't interested...
in the counterculture
that they invented...
as if we did not see them
disembowel their revolution...
for a pair
of running shoes.
But the question remains...
what are we going to do now?
How can we repair all the damage
we inherited?
Fellow graduates,
the answer is simple.
The answer is...
The answer is...
I don't know.
Good save, Lelaina.
I'm not a valedictorian,
but I play one on TV.
We all know you slept your way
to the podium.
My favorite part about
graduating now would be...
dodging my student-loan officer
for the rest of my life.
He will be in cahoots...
with the Columbia
Record and Tape Company guy...
who's been after my ass
for years.
Troy Dyer, I brought you back
a souvenir.
Ah...
You know, you can still go back
next year and graduate...
still get your BF.A.
Oh, can I? And then I can hang
this on my rearview mirror...
to brag to all my good buddies
back home that I graduated.
Well, I through
with the whole life drama.
Well, I know
this sounds cornball...
but I'd like to somehow make
a difference in people's lives.
And I... I would like
to buy them all a Coke.
And you wonder
why we never got involved.
Three words... November sixteenth
nineteen-ninety...
Oh, totally drunk
and out of my mind!
It would have been
a poetic experience...
if I weren't such a gentleman,
which I am.
Just let it go, Dyer.
Surrender the fantasy.
Hey, Sammy,
what's your goal?
My goal is to...
Like a career or something.
Lainie, I think the moment
has been appropriately captured.
Would you please take your face
out of the camera?
Come on.
It's for my documentary.
Her...
Documentary.
Think fast.
Here's the deal.
I'm going to take Sam
against his will...
and straighten him out
because I truly believe...
that if we can get two women
on the Supreme Court...
we can get at least one
on you, Sam.
I'm Superman.
-I can fly.
-She's toast.
Aah!
Quick, Vickie.
What's your social security?
Uh... 851-25-9357.
Very impressive.
It's the only thing
I really learned in college.
Sometimes I get that
"not so fresh" feeling.
Conjunction junction,
what's your function?
Hooking up words
and phrases and clauses
Conjunction junction,
how's that function?
Got three favorite cars
that get most of my...
Honey, honey. No, no, no.
Is yours good?
It doesn't seem fresh.
I'm sorry.
Well, I guess
it's about time...
for me to give you
your graduation present, huh?
Your... gas card.
I'll pay that bill for one year.
And since Helen Anne's got
herself a brand-new Infinity...
we're gonna give you
her old BMW.
You can pick it up
at our house.
-BMW? BMW?
-Yeah.
Tom, didn't you listen
to her speech today?
She didn't want a BMW.
Mom, I'll handle this.
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen again...
to some strange ethical argument
about a damn car.
Now, it's got four wheels.
It runs well.
And, little darling,
after you've been...
in the real world
for a while...
you're gonna appreciate
that car.
Yeah. Just think of all those
starving children in Africa...
who don't even have cars.
Troy, does your father
give you gifts like that?
Mom.
Well, actually, my father's
dying of prostate cancer...
so I don't really trouble him
much for gifts.
See, Tom.
You don't want a BMW.
Tell him, Lelaina.
Charlane, she can
make up her own mind.
Dad, don't talk to her that way.
She's not a child.
Well, she married one.
What?
All right. Excuse me.
Come on, come on.
Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW...
until I can afford to buy
a regular car myself, OK?
OK, Mom?
Please?
Mom, please, come on.
Get a Ford.
SINGING:
Just to float on the sea
Find myself on a page of history
You know, as I ride along
I can always hear the song
about you
and where you're meant to be
Well, you're gonna
tell me the answers
I'll know when you
come back to me
If we should fall,
love will catch us every time
I hear you call, I will run
And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes
We won't cry,
because it could be fun
Well, I'm gonna
tell you the answers
You'll know when you
come back to me
Gonna be all right
When you come back to me
Good morning!
Good morning!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yes. Good morning,
ladies and... gentleman!
I see a gentleman
right over there!
Good morning!
Good morning!
Boy, I tell you...
it is a good morning
with this audience.
Ha! Well, today,
for all you dieters...
guiltless goodies
from chef Skinny Ninny.
Whoa. Mmm!
And we'll also be visiting
with a man...
right here from Houston
who is battling Alzheimer's.
A beautiful
and touching story...
of the triumph
of the human spirit.
He's so cheesy, I can't
watch him without crackers.
Now let's take a peek
inside our "Video View"...
and see what we have
in store for today.
It's a special report
on children's
birthday party themes...
taped on location...
at 8-year-old
Davy Robbins' party...
exclusively for our
"Video View" collection.
Ha ha ha!
So... come sit with me.
Relax.
Have a cup of joe.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Well, anyway, it's gonna be
a good day. Good morning!
You're beautiful.
We're clear.
Am I here to amuse you,
Miss Pierce?
Am I here to make you laugh?
Is that the real reason
I'm on this show?
Mr. Gubler, when I prepare
your note cards...
you're supposed to get
your own espresso.
Didn't you get
my "espress yourself" memo?
I don't have time
for your little mind games.
I'd like to remind you...
that we're laying people
off around here.
I can find an intern who will do
your job for free like that.
SINGING:
I been locked out
I been locked in
But I always seem
to come back again
And the view, when I look
from my window...
Oh, that's a much better size.
That looks great.
That would go really well
with the EZ-Fits.
So... Oh, buttoning it up.
That's even better.
Yeah, roll 'em right up.
It's liberating, isn't it?
I bought
a toothbrush, some toothpaste
A flannel for my face
Pajamas, a hairbrush
new shoes, and a case
I said to my reflection
Let's get out of this place
Past the church and the steeple
The laundry on the hill
Murder, there's one committed
each 7 seconds.
Hello. I got cut off.
I'm sorry.
Tempted by the fruit of another
Waa waa
Hello? What?
Tempted, but the truth
is discovered
No, no, no.
Listen, he needs us, OK?
If he makes videos,
we show them, OK?
It's symbiotic. It's like
a "chicken or the egg?"
It's both of them
working together.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Well, let me tell you something.
No, no, no.
I'm not scared of...
Jesus!
Aah!
MAN ON TELEPHONE:
Michael, don't laugh at me.
What?
No, I'm in an accident.
I got in an accident.
Yeah, I'm fine.
No. I'll call you back,
all right?
I'm gonna call you...
When you said
you would sue...
Well, it's not
really my idea.
It's just I got my lawyer guy
telling me, you know...
something, like,
about my rates or...
Right. You mean, like sue
in a courtroom for money?
I don't even know...
because I've never really
done anything like this before.
I mean, do you have
a lawyer or something?
No, I don't have a lawyer.
I don't have a dentist.
I'm... You know, I make
four-hundred dollars a week.
What do you do?
Well, at the moment,
I'm working...
I'm sorry.
I just... I got to...
Hello.
Yeah. What is it?
You know, I don't care...
if she does twelve books
of herself naked, OK?
It doesn't...
That's Dr. Zaius
from "Planet of the Apes. "
Oh.
I'm sorry. No.
Someone else is in here.
Yeah? Well, let her
say that to me.
-No, don't do that.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no. You can...
That's all right...
I was... Go ahead.
You want to touch it?
It's all right.
Yeah. No, go ahead.
No, I was talking to...
Look, can I talk to you later?
Can we... When? OK. OK.
Um... OK.
Um... uh...
You know what?
Just forget it.
Really, just forget
the whole thing...
because it was probably
my fault anyway.
And I'll get in trouble,
and it just doesn't...
And you seem very sweet.
And you seem to like Dr. Zaius.
Oh. Ha ha.
-Oh, no.
-That's...
I'm sorry.
That's... He was just
a collector's... No big...
Well, we can...
-You know what?
-No, here's his head.
It's really... you know...
I think he's gone.
I'm, like, ruining
your whole life here.
No, no, you're not. Really.
Just don't... Just don't
touch anything else...
and I think we'll be fine.
Michael Grates, vice president
regional programming...
"In Your Face" TV.
We've seen it.
It's like MTV,
but with an edge.
-Yeah. So, is it a date?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Dinner?
-Coffee.
-Coffee or cappuccino?
-He ended up saying decaf.
Oh, no. Early night.
Is there any precoffee activity?
Um... I don't think so.
Did he ask you to go out
or to hang out?
Go out.
He definitely said go out.
Hey.
How are you doing?
-Oh, shit.
-What?
I forgot to tell you something.
Are you out of your mind?
Oh, my god. Lainie, he just got
fired from the newsstand.
He needs a place to stay
till he can find a new job...
and get his own place.
Vickie, that's the American
dream of the nineties.
That could take years.
Look at it like a built-in
security system.
We'll have a man
around the house.
We'll have a hall monitor.
That's what we'll have.
I don't even know if this is
allowed in the building.
It's not like Mr. Roper's
gonna burst in.
I'll just stay on the couch.
Vickie,
he will turn this place...
into a den of slack.
What the hell is your problem?
I have to work around here,
and unfortunately, Troy...
you are a master
at the art of time suckage.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, miss poster
girl for the workers party...
but until I get that toehold
in the burger industry...
I got a little time to suck.
I'd rather check into a shelter
than deal with her shit.
I know how much you
love to mainline in misery here.
But you don't have to.
I can get you a job interview
at my dad's plant.
What is that?
Part of my lease agreement?
It's either that
or a credit check.
It's cool, Troy.
You can stay.
Welcome to the maxi pad.
Yeah,
with the new dry-weave...
it actually pulls moisture
away from you. It's good.
You won't even know
I'm here.
Should I get married?
Should I be good?
Should I astound
the girl next door
with my velvet suit
and my Faustus hood?
And not take her to movies
but to cemeteries
and tell her of werewolf tongues
and forked clarinets?
What
"Hey, That's My Bike"...
would like to do eventually.
as a band...
is travel the countryside
like Woody Guthrie.
Or Richard Simmons.
You know how,
in his commercials...
how he travels around,
surprises people jogging.
As you can see,
I have the occasional run-in...
with an anti-
"Hey, That's My Biker. "
And to those people,
I say nobody...
Nobody can eat fifty eggs.
-Lainie?
-Whatie?
The next time you make
microwave brownies...
I'd really consider
using a microwave.
It's just a thought.
You know,
I finally figured out...
what your problem is, Dyer.
What's that?
I'm not a Pepper?
You suffer from the philosopher
groupie syndrome.
You're this guy
with, like, a 180 I.Q...
ten units away from
a degree in philosophy...
and you always fall
for these dumb groupie types.
Now... they are not all dumb.
Most of them
are just very, very depressed.
Do you find me attractive,
sitting here, eating brownies?
You do. You're strangely
attracted to me right now.
You're oddly, oddly
attracted to me.
It turns you on, doesn't it?
You like to watch, don't you?
Come on.
Come on! Aah!
Here. Ha ha ha!
Don't! Come on.
It's not funny. Give it back.
-Give what back?
-Give it back!
Give what back?
Give the brownies back?
-Aah!
-Brownies, brownies.
Oh, I love brownies.
My name's Lelaina.
Hey, don't!
Hey, watch the camera.
Don't throw it at me.
That's not nice.
Mr. Gubler, do you have time
to take a look...
at what I've done here?
I need my questions.
Oh, well, here's
the research that I did.
You might want to read it...
because this guest has
quite a history in politics.
Just give me my questions.
Excusez-moi.
-You all alone?
-Not anymore.
If I could bottle
the sexual tension...
between Bonnie Franklin
and Schneider...
I could solve
the energy crisis.
Excuse me.
Don't bogart that can... man.
-Are you retarded?
-No. I'm rhyming.
It's not easy.
Sure, I make it look easy.
You guys
better not be inhaling.
Hi.
Lelaina, Vickie was just
promoted to manager of the Gap.
-Shut up.
-It's not even a big deal.
The old manager
tried to kill herself...
by eating a whole pot
of poinsettias.
Still, I'm so proud of you.
Wait.
I'll be making four-hundred
dollars a week, though.
We're never gonna
have rent problems again.
Troy, aren't you excited?
I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
You guys,
I just thought of something.
I'm manager of the Gap.
I'm responsible
for all those t-shirts...
French-cut, v-necked, ribbed,
what have you.
Dude, I'm in trouble.
No, you're not, Vick.
I know you can do it.
I just do not understand
why this moment...
has to be Memorexed.
Sammy, don't you realize?
This is your one opportunity
to play a small part...
in what is destined
to be greatness.
Lainie here
is gonna revolutionize...
"Good Morning, Grant. "
Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!
I had no idea!
Look who's mocking.
All you do around here, Troy...
is eat and couch
and fondle the remote control.
I am not under any orders to
make the world a better place.
Well, then what good are you?
You're a pathological optimist.
You're pathological.
Oh, would you two just do it
and get it over with?
I'm starving.
Oh!
Hello. You've reached
the winter of our discontent.
Uh... hold on.
It's some Michael character.
Oh.
-Who's Michael?
-Let's order a pizza.
Lelaina, if we promise
to pay you back...
will you spot us a pizza?
Don't have any cash.
Dominoes takes checks.
OK, great.
OK. Bye.
The owner of Dominoes
supports Operation Rescue.
Oh, please. No one
gives a shit right now.
We're starving.
Oh, wait. Wait.
-Ta-da!
-We're going to eat gas.
Ah!
Who's this Michael guy?
Um...
Hey. Vickie just figured
something out.
-What?
-Something wonderful.
Ha ha ha! Evian is naive
spelled backwards.
Uh! Could you
turn this up, please?
Please?
You won't be sorry.
Thank you.
RADIO:... When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Gun it comin' off
of the line, Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up,
such a dirty mind
Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind
My, my, my, i, yi, woo!
Hey!
M-m-my Sharona.
Come a little closer, huh?
Ah, will ya, huh?
Close enough to look
in my eyes, Sharona
Keeping it a mystery,
it gets to me
Running down the length
of my thighs, Sharona...
Good times,
any time you need them, baby
Good times,
ain't no time to be afraid
Thelma's husband Keith has got
vodka hidden in the toilet.
Vodka in the toilet.
That's a good one.
Um... boom boom.
James Dice.
That's a two-parter, man.
You can't do that.
J.J. works in the chicken shop.
He works in a chicken shop.
We did that.
It's the same one
when he has that cape on.
Drink up, man.
You hate to see that
happen to the rookie.
Um... Alderman Davis
judges a...
Oh, my god.
Hi.
Are you a collection agent?
Lelaina!
Oh! Yeah, I'll be right there.
Oh.
If you ain't
the most hardheaded woman...
Great!
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Oh, it's me!
Willona dates a deaf guy.
-Good one.
-Willona dates a deaf guy.
How about the one
when Gary Coleman comes on...
and he's like the little...
like, guy doing that...
-Yeah, we did that one.
-He was cute, though.
-J.J.'s prom date.
-Gotta go. Gotta go.
-Hey. Hi. Hello. Hi.
-Hi.
Um... everybody, this is Michael.
This is...
Prom date. Prom date. Go.
You know, we should...
We should... Yeah.
So, I'm gonna go.
Bye.
Michael throws a party.
Sammy, let's go.
Lelaina, you know the punishment
for premature evacuation.
Penny! Willona adopts Penny!
Shit!
I'm making
this documentary...
about my friends,
but it's really about...
people who are trying to find
their own identity...
without having any real role
models or heroes or anything.
Wow. That...
That sounds great.
It seems like your friends
would be perfect for that.
Like, um...
Like that guy Troy...
-Troy, yeah.
-You all done here, sir?
Uh, yeah. yeah.
You don't want to finish that?
Because I can...
No, no, no. I'm fine.
I had a late...
So, Troy is...
You guys just...
It's like you guys living there,
just the two of you?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's me and Vickie,
but he got fired from his job...
and so he needed a place
to crash for a couple weeks.
They caught him
stealing a Snickers.
He stole a Snickers bar?
Yeah. Ha ha ha!
Somehow he can rationalize it...
like the establishment
owes him a Snickers.
Right, right.
Well, I mean...
I guess... you know...
You know, you're very beautiful.
I mean... I mean, um...
Seriously, you're...
I'm, uh... I'm, uh... not really
good with compliments.
Um... but, uh...
Um... Ha ha!
Are you religious?
Um... Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm...
I guess I'm, uh...
a non-practicing Jew.
Hey, I'm
a non-practicing virgin.
Who's this again?
Frampton.
Peter Frampton.
Frampton...
I can't believe you
don't remember...
"Frampton Comes Alive. "
That album, like,
totally changed my life.
The most profound, important
invention of my lifetime...
the Big Gulp.
And because, see...
No, listen.
You get one in the morning.
I'm talking forty-four ouncer,
not this thirty-two wimpy...
-Wait a minute. Forty four?
-Yeah. Forty-four ounce.
How can you ingest
forty-four ounces of anything?
How can you ingest
forty-four ounces of anything?
You get one.
You have your essential vitamins
and nutrients...
for the entire day.
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
I'm sure you're totally covered.
-You do.
-Well...
I guess it really doesn't
take much to make me happy.
Hey, I'm not
materialistic, either.
I mean, I think I'd be working
even if I wasn't getting paid.
And I don't, like, want to get,
you know... a big house.
I just want, like,
a nice house.
I'm not into cars and stuff.
I mean, I like my car.
You're probably not
really not into, like...
expensive, snazzy
Italian suits, either.
-Oh, come on.
-I'm just kidding.
-No, no, no.
-I'm just kidding.
Wait a minute.
I'm not like that.
I'm really not.
I mean... I mean...
I'm... I'm... I mean...
I know why the caged bird
sings and everything.
Oh, yeah? Why?
Because he was... in a cage,
and he was...
I don't know.
He had high hopes or something.
OK, I dropped out of school...
before we got to that,
all right?
I should have stayed
in college...
and got a degree
in astronomy or something.
-Oh, god, I love astronomy.
-Really?
Yeah. I just...
The math, though.
It was the math that just,
like... got me every time.
I loved astronomy, too,
and I got into class...
and it was like...
it was like...
everything was three-squared
times pi equals the root of pi.
Yeah. And I just wanted
to look at the stars.
-It was so...
-Same here exactly.
I remember being so happy
on the roof of our old house...
just staring up at the stars.
Mmm...
I want to do that again.
I want to just...
look up at the stars
and take the time to...
smell the...
everything.
Because it's like... do you ever
have those moments in life...
where everything is OK?
Do you know what I mean?
Just for, like, one moment,
everything is great.
Not since I graduated, no.
But yeah... yeah.
When you, like, catch yourself
in a moment...
and you're saying, wait,
I'm happy here in the moment.
Right. And then it
just goes away really quickly.
-Gone.
-It just... It's...
I know I've had
a couple of those, you know.
I always forget them,
but I know I've had them.
Oh, me, too.
Like right now... is one.
Yeah... like now.
SINGING:
Clouds are stalking
Islands in the sun
Wish I could dry one
Out of season
But don't
Hesitate
'Cause your love
Won't wait
Hey, hey, hey
Ooh, baby, I love your way
Every day
Want to tell you I love your way
Ooh, ooh, ooh
TROY, Ooh, baby,
I love your way
Every day
I want to be with you
night and day
Shh!
So, you've been up all night?
I am picking up some
very strange vibes in here.
They're of the...
"I just got laid" variety.
Did he dazzle you...
with his extensive knowledge
of mineral water?
Or was it his in-depth analysis
of Markie Mark...
that finally reeled you in?
I just would have liked
to have been there...
to watch
how you rationalized...
sleeping with a yuppy-head
cheeseball on the first date.
He's not a yuppy.
He's the reason
why Cliff Notes were invented.
Well, that pales
in comparison...
to the tweaked-out
little skanks you date.
To hell with it.
What do I care?
What do you care?
And why are you acting...
like a jealous boyfriend
all of a sudden?
I am not acting like anything.
I am calmly reading.
God. If something's
bothering you that much...
I wish you could just be man
enough to talk to me about it.
All right, Lelaina.
I am really in love with you.
Is that what you want to hear?
Is it?
Well, don't flatter yourself.
Go to hell.
Since I've been
manager here...
our gross has increased
over twenty percent.
So...
What?
OK. OK. Um...
I guess I'm proud of that.
Oh, please.
Look at this sweater.
People don't know.
They don't know what it takes.
I've never been
a good example before...
and, um... I've never been good
with responsibility.
So, uh...
I blame my parents, though.
I think I was conceived
on an acid trip.
My parents got divorced
when I was 5 years old.
And I saw my father about
three times a year after that.
And when he found out
that he had cancer...
he decided to bring me here...
and he gives me
this big pink sea shell...
and he says to me...
"Son, the answers are all
inside of this. "
And I'm all, like, "What?"
But then I realized
that the shell was empty.
There's no point
to any of this.
It's all just a...
A random lottery
of meaningless tragedy...
and a series
of near escapes.
So I take pleasure
in the details, you know.
A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.
Those are good.
The sky about... ten minutes
before it starts to rain.
The moment where your laughter
becomes a cackle.
And I sit back, and I...
I smoke my Camel straights.
And I ride my own melt.
Come on. Come on.
No lagging.
The free clinic A.I.D.S. test.
The rite of passage
for our generation.
We're so lucky.
Come on.
So, Vick, why are you
getting tested?
One of my friends
tested positive.
To be on the safe side...
you know.
Vickie Miner.
WOMAN, LOUDER:
Vickie Miner.
You can forget it.
Come on, Grant.
That... It's incredible.
It's junk.
Depressing junk.
You know my rules
for the "Video View"...
light and perky.
Look, Lelaina, maybe I should
talk to Grant alone about this.
Look, she's got real talent...
and I want to put her on staff.
I will not have
Miss Pierce on staff.
I will walk out of here
if that happens.
You watch.
OK, calm down.
It's no big deal.
We don't have to have her.
Besides,
having to look...
at that girl's pointy
little face all day...
it would make me ill.
Just get rid of her...
like I asked you to do
in the first place.
...I'll get there.
If I don't know where to go,
I'll get there.
If I don't know...
Ten seconds...
nine, eight, seven...
six, five, four...
Is this a good morning or what?
Ha ha ha! Well, with us today
is Libby Kumbaugh...
the author of this book...
"Mommy, Why Do I Hate Myself?
"Self-Esteem
for Parent and Child. "
-Good morning, Libby.
-Good morning, Grant.
Good morning! Now, Libby...
I'm concerned with self-esteem.
Personally, I've always had
an odd preference...
for very, very young girls.
I...
Being a total prick...
...Iy pear, I...
Why don't we welcome
this audience again, huh?
Good morning!
I make more of a mess
than Ruby does.
Hi. You guys, we have to have
a family meeting.
Something's happened.
Oh, no! They've discovered
Nutrasweet causes you...
to grow a third eye.
Let me just say that
everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah,
it's not a big deal.
She'll just wear
a patch over it.
I'm working out a plan.
Yeah, there's
a surgeon in Paris.
He'll just remove it
for free.
-Just don't panic.
-It's not contagious.
Would you shut up?
I just got fired.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
What happened?
You got fired?
I mean, that just screws up
my whole idea of good and evil.
It's not like I had
a hysterectomy or anything.
I just... I got fired. I'll find
something else, you know.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
You're hired.
I need a part-timer.
You need a job.
That would be so cool.
It's only, like, five dollars
an hour. No big deal.
But it's a pretty good
opportunity.
Yeah,
it's a dream come true.
It is.
You know, Vick,
I said I'm working out a plan.
Yeah.
So, what's the plan?
I'm not gonna work
at the Gap, for Christ's sake.
OK?
-No. I mean...
-Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
Oh, how stupid of me to try
to drag you down to my level.
-Vickie, you don't do this, OK?
-Shut up.
Come on.
This is just...
You know I didn't mean it.
Vickie.
You see, this is
where Troy was fired...
from his eleventh job.
He was an illustrious
office cleaner.
Now if you'll come
this way, please...
we will continue our short
but happy walking tour...
of the career
of Troy Dyer.
And here we have
the newsstand...
where Troy dared
to ask the question...
Are employee snacks subsidized?
The answer... tragically, no.
In total, he has been fired...
from... yes, count them...
twelve jobs.
Twelve? Ouch.
So you shouldn't feel so bad.
One of these mornings, I'm going
to wake up before noon and...
Ha ha. Yeah, right.
And I'm gonna turn on the TV...
and there Bryant Gumbel
will be, and he'll say...
"Today we have with us...
"the Pulitzer Prize winning
documentarian Lelaina Pierce.
"Lelaina, after your first film,
Why Barbie Is Bad... "
"You seem to have forgotten
all about...
"your best friend, Troy Dyer. "
Troy who?
What was that name again?
Oh, right through the heart.
I'll probably be working
at the Whole Foods...
playing warehouses...
hanging around places
like the Radio Shack...
screaming that
I used to know you...
and you'll be there
in the lights...
and you'll be all beautiful
and shit.
Oh, Troy. No, no, no.
That'll never happen.
They would never hire you
at Whole Foods.
You see, Lainie,
this is all we need...
a couple of smokes,
a cup of coffee...
And a little bit
of conversation.
You and me and five bucks.
You got it.
-You know what?
-Hmm?
-No, no, no.
-What?
Troy, I can't. I can't.
Why not?
You never thought about it?
Well, yes, of course
I have, but I...
But what?
I can't not be friends
with you, OK?
I don't want that. That's not
what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about a...
you know, evolving.
I just can't handle
this right now.
I can't evolve right now.
Why not?
Because of Michael?
No.
Yeah. Yes. Yes.
My parents got divorced
when I was fourteen.
My dad... the dog...
he remarried six months
after the divorce.
Wow. That's quick.
How did everybody react?
Um... my mom threatened
to kill herself in front of me.
Patty got drunk in her closet...
every morning
before junior high school.
And you?
Well, um...
Somebody had to remember
to take out the trash...
sign the report cards,
buy the milk.
So, um... that kind of ended up
being me.
I don't want to get married...
because I see
how my parents are.
And they've been together,
like, 26 years...
and they're like brother
and sister at this point.
My mother goes to the bathroom
with the door open.
That's "A."
And "B"...
It's disgusting.
I don't want any part of that.
I want first kisses.
I want passion...
the whole way through.
It's better than having to kiss
your husband's ass all the time.
Yeah.
I think that your documentary...
would be perfect
for "In Your Face. "
-See? Forget it.
-No.
You're probably thinking more
like, you know...
P B.S. or something.
No. No. You know
what it is, though?
It's that I.. Boy.
OK, when I made this thing...
I kind of made
this promise to myself...
that I wasn't going
to think about...
where it was gonna end up
because I didn't want to...
unintentionally
commercialize it.
No,
I think that's great.
I mean, I think
you should definitely...
not unintentionally
do anything...
that you're
not comfortable with.
I mean, not that I would
intentionally...
Well, plus
it's not done yet, you know.
Right. I know. I know.
It was just a stupid...
You know... I got to go
to New York on Wednesday...
for this huge
network meeting thing...
which is totally...
God, you would hate it.
I hate it. I just...
I just thought...
that they would freak out
over your tapes...
because they never see anything
that's really smart...
and has real...
you know, quality and is...
good, like you and your work...
and I know
I'm being selfish and...
Michael, um...
That is literally, literally...
the nicest thing
that anyone's ever said to me...
the sweetest thing that anyone's
ever said to me.
So, what are you doing
for the rest of your morning?
What am...
Oh, what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Ooh. Well, I have
a job interview.
Lelaina, this thing
is from 1988.
I know. Ha ha ha!
So you're, like...
six years late.
I thought the ad said
that this was a job...
for a production assistant.
Yes. You will be
assisting me...
in the production
of videotapes, all right?
You're going to make
copies for me... many copies.
Oh, is this like a...
like a pirate operation?
Do I look like a pirate to you?
Now, radio
is all instinct, Lelaina.
Do you know where
all the radio comes from?
The gut.
It's all in the gut.
Because when you think
on your feet...
got to go from your gut.
And my gut is telling me
that, uh...
this isn't gonna work out.
Maybe your gut's just saying
you're hungry or...
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's telling me that, uh...
you're overqualified
for this job.
I'm really not that smart.
No offense, sweetie,
but you don't have...
any experience on a newspaper.
You're TV.
Well, I'm trying to make my
transition to print journalism.
Ah. Why?
Well, newspapers are
the last watchdogs...
of our... our government.
They enforce
the checks and balances.
And one half-hour of TV
only adds up to...
OK. All right.
Define irony.
Irony. Uh...
Irony.
It's a noun.
It's when something is...
ironic. It's, uh...
Well, I can't really
define irony...
but I know it
when I see it!
Hey. Hey.
Oh, my god.
I've never been so glad...
to see anyone
in my entire life.
This day has been
the biggest nightmare.
I mean, these
job interviews, Troy...
the word vivisection,
a staggering understatement.
Can you define irony?
It's when the actual meaning
is the complete opposite...
from the literal meaning.
Yeah. My god.
Where were you
when I needed you today?
I... I should go.
Oh, come on. Isn't there
some statute of limitations...
for embarrassing incidents?
Your bravado was embarrassing.
Hey, Troy, come on.
You can stay with me
for one cigarette.
I know you can stay with me
for one cigarette.
You, me, five bucks,
good conversation.
Right?
Lainie...
Troy, you haven't been home
in four days.
I mean, where have you
been sleeping?
I got to go.
Mom, I need to talk to you
about a loan.
Is it for drugs?
No. No, it's not for drugs.
I was f...
I lost my job.
But you shouldn't have
any trouble...
finding another job,
sugar bugger.
No. See, I tried.
I applied for every single
opening in my field...
but there's just...
There's nothing right now.
Hmm. Well...
then I hate to say it but...
times are hard.
You're just gonna
have to swallow your pride.
Why don't you get a job
at Burgerama? They'll hire you.
My lord, I saw on the TV...
they had this little retarded
boy working the cash register.
Because I'm not retarded, mom.
I was valedictorian
of my university.
Well, you don't have to put that
down on your application.
Miss Pierce,
do you have any idea...
what it means to be a cashier
at Wiener Schnitzel?
Yeah. It's, uh... taking orders
and making change, and, uh...
"thank you. "
No. It's a juggling act.
A juggling act? You mean,
like, metaphorically?
No. I mean, you got people
coming at you from the front...
coming at you from the back,
from the sides...
people at the condiment
exchange...
people at the drive-thru,
kids on bikes...
and they're all
depending on who?
-Me?
-Yeah.
You got time to lean,
you got time to clean, buddy.
All right?
You got to be 150 percent
on your toes...
150 percent of the time.
There you go, sir.
And have a 'tude, wiener dude.
All rightie.
OK. I'm going to throw
a few numbers out at you...
and you put them together in
your head as quick as you can.
-OK?
-OK.
Eighty-five and forty-five. Go.
One... forty?
Nope.
-One... fifty?
-Nope.
-One-sixty?
-It's not an auction.
Miss Pierce, there's a reason
I've been here six months.
WEATHERMAN:
For the entire summertime...
occurring in one day.
Then last night we had
snow reports in Utah.
Today reports of I-70...
Royalton Hotel.
Oh, hi.
Is this the Royalton Hotel?
That's what I said.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't hear you.
I'm looking for a guest there.
His name is Michael Grates.
Hold one moment, please.
That guest is out.
Would you like
to leave a message?
Oh... no. That's OK.
I'll just try again later.
Thanks.
Hi. I'm Cheryl Goode
and welcome to "Wedgie"...
the world of hip couture.
This week, we're
in south-central Los Angeles...
at the intersection
of Florence and Normandy...
the flashpoint of fashion.
The phattest gangsta trend
will increase your peace.
This bandanna by Donna Karin...
is blue for Crips,
red for Bloods...
and only costs
seventy-five dollars.
Lainie, have you seen
a pack of guitar strings?
I have to bring them
to the club.
You know,
I hope he knows...
that he still has to
pay some rent around here.
I mean... Ha ha.
I don't know where he thinks
he's spending his nights, but...
Do you know?
I'm late for a jean-folding
seminar. Let's locomote.
Now you can call
your own personal psychic...
anytime 24 hours a day...
thanks to the nationwide
Psychic Discovery Network.
You can pick up the phone
and talk directly...
with an established
professional psychic...
in the privacy of your own home.
I was unhappy in my career,
and I needed a change.
But I didn't know what to do.
It's just that nothing
is going down according to plan.
I mean, my best friend...
I feel like I've
lost him forever...
and he was like
my touchstone, you know.
WOMAN ON TELEPHONE:
This man...
does his name start
with the letter "N"?
Because I'm getting
a very strong "N" vibration.
Newsstand.
"N," newsstand.
He used to work
at a newsstand.
Uh-huh.
Oh, god.
This is unbelievable.
Honey,
that's not all I'm getting.
There are people
I know from high school...
who are already married
and having babies.
I mean, babies, OK?
I can't even take care
of a Chia Pet.
Well, honey,
I didn't have kids...
until I was on
my third husband.
Oh, really?
All Geminis.
You know
what I think, Tanell?
I think you still
really love Monty.
Yeah,
you're probably right...
but it don't matter now.
Oh, yes,
it does, Tanell.
I know you're afraid,
but you've got to find him...
and you've got to tell him
how you really feel.
Find him? I got...
Lelaina.
We need to talk to you.
Hold on, Tanell.
Hold on.
I'm on the phone.
Yeah, I can see that...
and we have a four-hundred
and six dollar phone bill...
mainly due to some calls
to a 1-900 number.
Lelaina,
I'm so seriously troubled...
Listen, we'd help you
out, but we're broke, too.
And you know we can't afford
a new deposit...
if the phone gets shut off.
Maybe you could borrow
the money from Michael.
No, Sammy. Jesus.
Lainie,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
You lay on that couch all day.
Those pajamas
are like your uniform.
You run up a four-hundred dollar
phone bill.
You watch TV.
You chain-smoke.
You don't go outside.
You don't do anything.
Man, you are in the bell jar.
Look, this is my apartment.
I signed the lease.
I let you move in here when you
had no job, no money...
and you sponged off me
for two months!
Sponged? Uh-huh.
And now Miss Big Power Marm...
Miss "I'm manager
of the Gap now"...
you think you can just come
in here and push me around?!
She's not being pushy.
Sammy, what are you even
doing here? You don't live here!
Hey, my little
unemployed waif...
you're the one who's looking
for work now, OK?
God, you're really
enjoying this, aren't you?
You're high.
Why don't you go take a walk
outside and get some fresh air?
You've been waiting for this
since the day we met.
Who told you that?
Your psychic partner?
I'll tell you the problem
with your generation.
You don't have any work ethic.
Now, you take your friend Troy,
for example.
I went out of my way to set up
an interview for him...
and he didn't even
bother to show up.
That wasn't his fault.
He asked me to call and cancel.
And everything was going on.
And it slipped my mind.
And I'm... sorry, but, you know,
I have a work ethic, dad.
I have a very strong work ethic,
you know. Ask anyone.
Then all you got to do
is show some ingenuity, hmm?
Darling, I love you, and I hate
to break your plate...
but you got to grow up sometime.
Now, I want you to go out there
and show me some ingenuity, hmm?
Let me talk
with you, my baby
It is bad to say
that maybe
It is time for you
to say we
Came to share
a point of view
Living in the never-never
Dropping out of here together
I could spend some time
forever
With a girl like you,
let me hear you say
Let's go, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah
Let's go
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah
Right here on earth.
Looking for tomorrow
Can you see us one day?
Beg or steal or borrow
We could live forever
Never to say never
You will be for me
I will fight for you, now
Let's go
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah...
Well, that solves
our first problem.
Rent's due this week.
Well, well.
Look who finally decided
to grace us with his...
Presence.
This is...
This is, uh, Jean.
Janine.
Uh, Janine. Janine.
It's a little loud in the club.
Excuse me.
Can't stay here, Troy.
I'm just gonna
pick something up.
Well...
Mission accomplished.
Now leave.
I think maybe
I'm gonna wait...
Always the mistress
of etiquette, huh, Lainie?
Just out of curiosity...
why are you suddenly acting
like a jealous girlfriend?
All right. We're just
trying to pay bills here, OK?
So, Troy, if you got
any money...
Money? Oh, but what's
money to an artist?
To a philosopher?
It's just green-colored paper...
that floats in and out
of his life like snow.
It's nothing you actually have
to, I don't know, work for...
is it, Troy?
No, not if you have
daddy's little gas card.
You shut up!
You shut up! I busted my ass
to find a job, any job!
You don't even bother
showing up for interviews!
What is it that you want
from me? Huh? What is it?
You want me to get a job
on the line...
for the next 20 years,
until I'm granted leave...
with my gold-plated watch
and my balls full of tumors...
because I surrendered the one
thing that means shit to me?
Well, honey,
you can just exhale...
because it's not gonna happen,
not in this lifetime.
All right, fine!
You don't want to work, fine!
Lainie, goddamn it!
You want to be a band,
then be a goddamn band!
Rehearse every day!
Play every night!
Play three times a night!
Don't just dick around the same
coffeehouse for five years!
Don't dick around
with her or with me.
I mean, try at something,
for once in your life!
Do something about it,
but you know what?
You better do it now,
and you better do it fast...
because the world
doesn't owe you any favors...
and whether
you know it or not...
you're on the inside track
to Loserville, U.S.A...
just like him.
OK. It's just
too psychotic in here now.
All right, Lelaina,
let's go for a walk.
Fine.
Come on, man.
Let them go.
With pleasure, my friends.
With pleasure. Ha.
"With pleasure"? You know
who I really feel sorry for...
is that poor girl.
Oh, how about when he sneaks
his laundry in with ours?
It's like I'm pulling
that stuff out of the dryer...
and there's five pairs
of his boxers...
I just washed unknowingly.
No, I'll just throw it
back in his face.
Yeah, like I'm gonna
do his laundry. Yeah.
He's weird. He's strange.
He's sloppy.
He's a total nightmare
for women.
I can't believe
I haven't slept with him yet.
Do you ever wish
you were a lesbian?
Don't you think it would be
so much easier?
Sometimes, but...
Nah. I couldn't
go through with it.
I'd start laughing
or something.
But it's such a shame...
because I am
so through with men.
If one more guy
walks out on me...
I don't even know what.
I swear.
What are you
talking about...
Walk out on you?
You walk out on them.
I've seen you.
You're out the door
before the condom comes off.
Listen to me, I'm just
beating them to the punch.
OK.
You don't even know
I'm sitting here...
maybe...
Probably dying of A.I.D.S.
And I'm totally alone.
Vickie...
Well, uh...
you're not alone.
Hey. Look, I'm sorry
for everything I said...
and I'm sorry
for being such a bitch...
but I have to tell you,
you're not alone.
You're not, and you're not
dying of A.I.D.S.
You don't understand.
Every day, all day...
it's all that I think about, OK?
Every time I sneeze...
it's like I'm four sneezes away
from the hospice.
And it's like it's not even
happening to me.
It's like I'm watching it
on some crappy show...
like "Melrose Place"
or some shit, right?
And I'm the new character.
I'm the H.I.V.-A.I.D.S.
character...
and I live in the building,
and I teach everybody...
that it's OK to be near me,
it's OK to talk to me...
and then I die...
and there's everybody
at my funeral...
wearing halter tops and chokers
or some shit like that.
Vickie, stop, OK?
Just stop.
You're freaking out,
and you know what?
You're gonna have to deal
with the results.
Whatever they are, we're gonna
have to deal with them...
just like we've dealt
with everything else.
This isn't like
everything else.
I know that, all right?
But it's gonna be OK,
you know?
I know it's gonna be OK.
"Melrose Place"
is a really good show.
WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Lelaina Pierce.
Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?
Yeah.
Hello.
Lelaina?
Ha ha! Hi!
Look, I had to
call you right away.
Listen, listen.
Don't kill me, OK?
What? What?
I took the tape,
and I showed it.
No.
Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
They freaked out.
They want to buy them.
-No.
-Yes.
They liked it?
No, no. I mean, they, like,
psychotically loved it.
They want to pay you for it.
I know this isn't P B.S.,
but is this OK?
Yes! I was this close to selling
fruit at intersections.
Well, don't, all right?
Don't.
Just hang on, and I'm gonna
get you some money...
and I'm gonna be down there
in a few days...
and I just...
I'm just, like...
I'm thinking about you
every second here.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hello! Can you hear me now?
Where are you?
I'm in a phone booth.
Why are you
on a cellular phone?
I don't know.
I have no idea. I'm just...
Michael, Michael, Michael,
I... I really miss you!
I really miss you, too.
I love you. Oh! Whoa!
I mean... I mean...
you amaze me.
No! You amaze me!
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Michael, I'm losing you.
I'm gonna call you back.
Wait. What?
Pay phone outside...
always amazes me.
Hey.
"Try me. I'm free. "
Good mag. Good mag.
-Negatory.
-Yeah! All right!
Did you hear that?
Negative!
Here. Let me see that.
Hey, hey! All rightie!
Thanks
for the help, Lainie.
A celebration zoom.
OK. Enough.
-Ma!
-I'm right here, son.
-Ma.
-Yeah?
I have to tell you
some... thing.
I am... a... homo... sexual.
Oh, Christ. Is there a support
group that I can join...
to help me come to terms
with my own homophobia?
Yes, there is...
a group which is named
P F L.A.G....
Parents and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays.
Oh. Oh. P F L.A.G.
I'm beginning to like
the sound of that.
What you've just witnessed here
is a preenactment...
of events that are
about to take place.
Well... I came out to her, and...
she's still
a little bit upset.
But you know...
You know, I think
the real reason...
that I've been celibate
for so long...
isn't really because I'm
that terrified of the big "A"...
but because I can't really
start my life...
without being honest
about who I am and...
SAMMY ON TAPE:
I want to be in there, too.
I want to feel miserable
and happy and all of that.
I mean, I...
I want to...
I want to be let back
in the house.
Hello. Oh, hi.
Um... sorry.
Just... the door was...
So I just, um...
Yeah, she's getting dressed.
Great.
I'll just...
Oh, I, um...
I don't know if she told you...
but I just came back
from New York...
with the tapes that she made,
and the stuff of you...
it's really...
it's really great stuff.
Really. That whole...
that whole thing about...
"Nobody can eat all the eggs,"
that was...
that was really...
I was quoting
Cool Hand Luke.
Yeah. That's OK.
I mean... That's... I know.
It's... I mean... You know...
It's still... It's...
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
What happened
to your normal clothes?
Wow!
Lelaina, look at you.
You look...
Where'd you get that dress?
Oh, um... I don't know.
I just bought it.
But I think I'm gonna
go change because...
No, don't.
You look beautiful.
You look like...
You look like...
A doily.
-I'm gonna change.
-No, don't change.
And don't go thinking
for yourself either, Lainie.
Hey, what is your glitch, huh?
My "glitch"?
You know what?
We're already late.
No, no, no, no.
Hang on a second here.
Do you have, like, a problem
with me or something?
Because if you do, let's just
get this out, all right?
Seriously, is there, like...
I mean, have I, like, uh...
stepped over some line in
the sands of coolness with you?
Because.. Because...
No, no, no. Excuse me...
if somebody doesn't know
the secret handshake with you.
There's no secret handshake.
There's an I.Q. prerequisite,
but there's no secret handshake.
I... This is... You... No...
This guy... you've got this whole
thing with the world.
Don't you? Huh? That's great.
That's really wonderful.
But guess what.
I'm a human being, OK?
We're human beings,
people, OK?
We're not, like, intelligence
quotations or whatever.
-Just ignore him.
-No!
Done.
Come on. Let's go.
You don't need this.
You don't know
what she needs.
I think I know what she needs
in a way that you never will.
Let's go.
Baby, tell me
that my love ain't good
I don't treat you right,
I don't do you like I should...
Listen,
that's got to be back here, OK?
-Hi.
-Hi.
So, you ready?
Well, what's it like?
I mean...
It's great. It's great.
I mean, I haven't actually
seen it yet...
but we had our best guys
working on it...
and, you know, we just put
some titles on...
and shaped it a little bit.
It's gonna be great.
OK.
OK, OK.
OK. Thanks.
OK, everybody,
it's a special night...
because, as you know,
we're entering into...
a new phase
here at the channel...
real programming.
And our first step
is this remarkable piece...
by Lelaina.
So hang on, because
this is going to change...
the face
of "In Your Face. "
What's this?
It's just transitional stuff.
MAN, SINGING:
La la la-la la
The story of my life
We're finished!
SINGING:
School's out forever
I am not under any orders to
make the world a better place.
And you wonder
why we never got involved.
SINGING:
School's been blown to pieces
SINGING:
Love can make you weep
I don't want to get married...
because I see
how my parents are.
-My parents got divorced...
-My parents got divorced...
-When I was fourteen.
-When I was five years old.
My mother actually goes to
the bathroom with the door open.
I swore to myself
I'd never get married.
I want passion.
Let's talk about
sex, baby, let's talk about...
Turns you on, doesn't it?
Brownies!
Would you two just do it and get
it over with? I'm starving.
Oh, my god.
LELAINA, ON VIDEO:
But the question remains...
How can we repair
all the damage we inherited?
I was told there'd be
no math on this exam.
Can I change my answer?
The answer is simple.
We're on a road
to nowhere
Jesus.
The answer is...
The-the-the answer is...
Pizza!
Pizza.
Pizza. Ha ha.
Oh...
-It's, um...
-Yeah, right.
We're on a road
to nowhere
But here we go
Lelaina.
Lelaina, look. I'm sorry,
all right? I didn't know.
That was not my work, Michael.
That's not what I did.
That's not what I want.
It had nothing!
I can't believe
I trusted you!
I had no idea!
I didn't see it!
I mean, look. I guess it was
probably a little slow...
and they cut it up
a little...
Cut it up?
They cut up everything
that meant anything to me!
I mean, I don't even think
you realize what you've done.
You don't get it.
You just don't get it!
I do get it!
Look. It just...
It's, like, you have
this great piece of work...
and we have this audience,
these kids...
and it's like trying to feed
them meatloaf or something...
and they don't want to
eat it, right?
So you have to give them, like,
"Here comes the plane.
"It's coming into the hangar.
Open up the hangar. "
But it's still meatloaf.
It was never meatloaf!
That's a bad...
I just...
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
They were just trying
to market it.
And I wish I could
be perfect, OK?
I wish I could be like Troy...
riding on his melted
cheese sandwich and everything.
Don't you dare bring Troy
into this.
Hey, I wish
I could be like him.
I wish I could live
off of creeds and mottoes...
and all that shit,
all right?
But I'm in the real world
here, OK?
And I have ideals also.
They're that I...
I care about you...
and I want
to make you happy...
and I'm...
I just...
Look...
I'll make them take
the pizza thing out, OK?
I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill
And I'm sitting here
on Capitol Hill
Well, it's a long,
long journey to...
How'd the big premiere
turn out?
Fine.
They were just
videotapes, right?
Who cares? Ha ha.
I just worked
so hard on them, you know?
I worked so hard.
Ah, forget it.
I just sound pathetic.
No, you don't.
You don't sound pathetic.
You know, I know
it sounds stupid...
but it really meant
something to me.
I know it wasn't gonna,
you know, end world hunger...
or, you know,
save the planet...
but it just meant
something to me.
I just don't...
Understand why things just can't
go back to normal...
at the end
of the half-hour...
like on "The Brady Bunch"
or something.
Well, because Mr. Brady
died of A.I.D.S.
Things don't work out like that.
I was really gonna be something
by the age of twenty-three.
Honey, all you have to be
by the age of twenty-three...
is yourself.
I don't know
who that is anymore.
Well, I do.
And we all love her.
I love her.
Uh...
She breaks my heart
again and again...
but, uh...
But I love her.
I've wanted you like this
for all these years.
Hey.
Hi. Ha ha.
Where are you going?
I have rehearsal.
At 8:24 in the morning?
Yeah. Ha ha.
-So... that's it?
-No.
No, that's not...
It's not it.
I just... I, uh...
I have to go.
Got a party mama,
got a cokehead dad
I'm the ultimate inversion,
the American man
Don't feel good,
but don't feel bad
It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'
I ain't left, I ain't right
I feel so alone
Before I was born,
I was all gone
Don't even make sense
that I wrote this song
'Cause...
Tell me it's not true.
TROY, SINGING:
It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'
I'm nuthin'
Nuthin'
That's me
I'm nuthin'
Lainie, sex is the quickest way
to ruin a friendship.
Come on.
Thank you.
We'll be right back...
with a new American cheese
snack idea.
You got a phone call.
Lelaina.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Don't say anything, all right?
Look, I screwed up, all right?
I know.
I should have protected
you and your work...
and I didn't,
and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I didn't.
And I want to make this
up to you, OK?
You mean so much
to me, Lelaina...
and I just...
Look, two tickets,
all right, New York.
We go, and we give them
a presentation...
of the show
the way you want it done.
Michael, I don't...
I know. I know,
but this time is different.
I mean, who's the boss, huh?
Huh? Tony Danza? No.
I don't think so.
It's you.
It's your show,
and I just...
I just... you know,
feel like maybe...
I deserve another shot here.
Well, hi, Lelaina.
Hi.
What, is there a frog
in your throat...
or are you just glad
to see me?
Hi, Mike. Thanks
for coming down, man.
No hard feelings.
Lelaina, you're looking
a little peaked.
Yeah. Are you OK?
She's fine.
She's fine.
She's just had
too many Diet Cokes today.
Yeah, this girl
is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Ha.
So, are you gonna
tell him, or am I?
Could you excuse me?
Could I talk to you?
Hi.
You want to tell me what
the hell he's doing here?
I wanted to talk to you.
What the hell do you care?
You totally bailed on me
this morning.
I panicked. It happens.
I thought we could
work it out, you know.
I mean, I don't know if now
is the right time for us.
Look, I meant everything
that I said to you last night.
Don't look at me like that.
Don't look at me like that.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm not saying I...
Look, you are the only woman...
that I could ever
commit myself to.
So what?
Do I get a medal?
I win the big commitment
cook-off, and you just run away?
I knew this was gonna happen!
I knew this was gonna happen!
I don't want to lose you.
I've never been in an experience
like this before.
I've never had sex with somebody
that I loved before.
Oh, well, congratulations,
Troy Dyer.
Welcome to the world
of the emotionally immature.
It's a really nice place
to visit.
Hey, you may run into Michael.
He lives here.
Oh, yeah, right. Michael.
Michael. He's so mature...
because he lets you navigate
that entire relationship.
Well, I'm sorry, Lelaina,
but you can't navigate me.
I might do mean things,
and I might hurt you...
and I might run away
without your permission...
and you might hate me forever.
And I know that that scares
the shit out of you...
because I'm the only
real thing that you have.
Yeah? Well, that ain't
real much.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, Troy, man, you're on.
Michael, I'm sorry...
Listen, I'm sorry, all right?
That's what this is all about.
This one's for you, Lainie.
Why can't I get just one kiss?
Why can't I get just one kiss?
You told me there'd be some
things that I wouldn't miss
But I looked at your pants
And I need a kiss
Why can't I get just one screw?
Why can't I get just one screw?
Believe me, I'd know
what to do
But something won't let me
make love to you
Why can't I get just one ah?
Why can't I get just one ah?
Oh, nice job. Very well done.
Really good.
I don't want to hear it
from you.
Yeah? Well, I forgot I'm not
qualified to talk to you.
I'm sorry I can't be Mister...
Hey, look at me.
I'm Buddha on the mountaintop.
You know what you are, man?
You what what you remind me of?
You're like that guy,
you know, with the...
with the hat and the bells
and the little, you know...
The court jester.
Yeah, right. Where everything's
so easy to laugh at...
from a safe distance
back in Clever-Clever Land.
You know what happens to him?
They find his skull in a grave,
and they go...
"Oh, I knew him,
and he was funny. "
And the guy, the court jester,
dies all by himself.
Where'd you hear that,
a Renaissance festival?
Besides, everyone dies
all by himself.
If you really believe that...
Who are you looking for
out here?
SINGING:
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You say you'll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
Hello.
Hello?
SINGING:
All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you...
-Hey, Lainie. This is Lance.
-Hi.
Um... I just need to know
if he's OK.
Huh?
OK. All I know is
he went back to Chicago...
alone.
I'm not supposed
to know that, am I?
Shit.
Shit.
Hi.
I was wondering if I could talk
to you for a minute...
before you go.
See, the thing is that, um...
Well...
my dad died.
Oh, god, Troy. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No. It...
What happened was that, um...
I kind of got this arcane
glimpse at the universe.
And the best thing
that I can say about that is...
I don't know. I...
I have this...
this planet of regret...
sitting on my shoulders.
And you have no idea how much
I wish that I could go back...
to that morning
after we made love...
and do everything different.
But I know that I can't, so...
I thought that I would come here
and tell you something.
And what I wanted to tell you...
was that I love you...
and, uh... just wanted to
make sure that that was clear...
so that there wasn't
any confusion.
Um...
So, anyway, uh...
Where are you going?
I was going to look for you.
What for?
Just... wanted to see
if you were OK.
Well, I had
a shitty week, you know.
A froggy went
a-courting, and he did ride
With a sword and a pistol
by his side
Uh-huh, uh-huh, mmm-hmm-hmm
Well, he rode right up
to Miss Mousie's door...
TROY ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
At the beep...
please leave your name, number,
and a brief justification...
for the ontological necessity...
of modern man's
existential dilemma...
and we'll get back to you.
Uh, Lelaina,
this is your dad.
Give me a call
when you get this.
I need you to explain something.
I just got a nine-hundred-dollar
bill on my gas card.
If we should fall,
love will catch us every time
I hear you call,
I will run
And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes
We won't cry,
because it could be fun
What I'm trying to do is
constantly find those people...
find out what makes them
the best and bring that...
Tired of getting razzes
for being bald?
I'm only a young man.
No more dates
where I've been called old man.
Roy, why are you
doing this to me?
I know we can be happy together.
You'll chill in time.
Right now, I need someone...
who understands what my music
and the band mean to me.
But it's just music, Roy.
I'm a human being
with deep feelings...
who feels things deeply.
Music is feeling, babe.
The band may be a small dream,
but it's the only one I've got.
I'm Audi 5000.
Please don't let him
get drunk and drive.
SINGING:
Won't be very long
Till I'm going, going, gone
You say
I only hear what I want to
You say
I talk so all the time
So?
And I thought
what I felt was simple
And I thought
that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know
that I did something wrong
'Cause I missed you
Yeah, yeah, I missed you
And you say
I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention
To the distance
that you're running
Or to anyone, anywhere
I don't understand
if you really care
I'm only hearing negative,
no, no, no, no
No...
So I turned the radio on,
I turned the radio up
And this woman
was singing my song
The lover's in love,
and the other's run away
The lover is crying
'cause the other won't stay
Some of us hover
when we weep for the other
Who was dying since
the day they were born, well
Well, this is not that,
I think that I'm throwing
But I'm thrown
And I thought I'd live forever,
but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me
that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow
Or anywhere with you
You said that I was naive and
I thought
that I was strong, no
I thought, hey, I can leave,
I can leave, though
But now I know
that I was wrong
Because I missed you
Yeah, I missed you
those of us in our twenties...
refuse to work
an 80-hour week...
just so we can afford
to buy their BMWs...
why we aren't interested...
in the counterculture
that they invented...
as if we did not see them
disembowel their revolution...
for a pair
of running shoes.
But the question remains...
what are we going to do now?
How can we repair all the damage
we inherited?
Fellow graduates,
the answer is simple.
The answer is...
The answer is...
I don't know.
Good save, Lelaina.
I'm not a valedictorian,
but I play one on TV.
We all know you slept your way
to the podium.
My favorite part about
graduating now would be...
dodging my student-loan officer
for the rest of my life.
He will be in cahoots...
with the Columbia
Record and Tape Company guy...
who's been after my ass
for years.
Troy Dyer, I brought you back
a souvenir.
Ah...
You know, you can still go back
next year and graduate...
still get your BF.A.
Oh, can I? And then I can hang
this on my rearview mirror...
to brag to all my good buddies
back home that I graduated.
Well, I through
with the whole life drama.
Well, I know
this sounds cornball...
but I'd like to somehow make
a difference in people's lives.
And I... I would like
to buy them all a Coke.
And you wonder
why we never got involved.
Three words... November sixteenth
nineteen-ninety...
Oh, totally drunk
and out of my mind!
It would have been
a poetic experience...
if I weren't such a gentleman,
which I am.
Just let it go, Dyer.
Surrender the fantasy.
Hey, Sammy,
what's your goal?
My goal is to...
Like a career or something.
Lainie, I think the moment
has been appropriately captured.
Would you please take your face
out of the camera?
Come on.
It's for my documentary.
Her...
Documentary.
Think fast.
Here's the deal.
I'm going to take Sam
against his will...
and straighten him out
because I truly believe...
that if we can get two women
on the Supreme Court...
we can get at least one
on you, Sam.
I'm Superman.
-I can fly.
-She's toast.
Aah!
Quick, Vickie.
What's your social security?
Uh... 851-25-9357.
Very impressive.
It's the only thing
I really learned in college.
Sometimes I get that
"not so fresh" feeling.
Conjunction junction,
what's your function?
Hooking up words
and phrases and clauses
Conjunction junction,
how's that function?
Got three favorite cars
that get most of my...
Honey, honey. No, no, no.
Is yours good?
It doesn't seem fresh.
I'm sorry.
Well, I guess
it's about time...
for me to give you
your graduation present, huh?
Your... gas card.
I'll pay that bill for one year.
And since Helen Anne's got
herself a brand-new Infinity...
we're gonna give you
her old BMW.
You can pick it up
at our house.
-BMW? BMW?
-Yeah.
Tom, didn't you listen
to her speech today?
She didn't want a BMW.
Mom, I'll handle this.
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen again...
to some strange ethical argument
about a damn car.
Now, it's got four wheels.
It runs well.
And, little darling,
after you've been...
in the real world
for a while...
you're gonna appreciate
that car.
Yeah. Just think of all those
starving children in Africa...
who don't even have cars.
Troy, does your father
give you gifts like that?
Mom.
Well, actually, my father's
dying of prostate cancer...
so I don't really trouble him
much for gifts.
See, Tom.
You don't want a BMW.
Tell him, Lelaina.
Charlane, she can
make up her own mind.
Dad, don't talk to her that way.
She's not a child.
Well, she married one.
What?
All right. Excuse me.
Come on, come on.
Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW...
until I can afford to buy
a regular car myself, OK?
OK, Mom?
Please?
Mom, please, come on.
Get a Ford.
SINGING:
Just to float on the sea
Find myself on a page of history
You know, as I ride along
I can always hear the song
about you
and where you're meant to be
Well, you're gonna
tell me the answers
I'll know when you
come back to me
If we should fall,
love will catch us every time
I hear you call, I will run
And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes
We won't cry,
because it could be fun
Well, I'm gonna
tell you the answers
You'll know when you
come back to me
Gonna be all right
When you come back to me
Good morning!
Good morning!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yes. Good morning,
ladies and... gentleman!
I see a gentleman
right over there!
Good morning!
Good morning!
Boy, I tell you...
it is a good morning
with this audience.
Ha! Well, today,
for all you dieters...
guiltless goodies
from chef Skinny Ninny.
Whoa. Mmm!
And we'll also be visiting
with a man...
right here from Houston
who is battling Alzheimer's.
A beautiful
and touching story...
of the triumph
of the human spirit.
He's so cheesy, I can't
watch him without crackers.
Now let's take a peek
inside our "Video View"...
and see what we have
in store for today.
It's a special report
on children's
birthday party themes...
taped on location...
at 8-year-old
Davy Robbins' party...
exclusively for our
"Video View" collection.
Ha ha ha!
So... come sit with me.
Relax.
Have a cup of joe.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Well, anyway, it's gonna be
a good day. Good morning!
You're beautiful.
We're clear.
Am I here to amuse you,
Miss Pierce?
Am I here to make you laugh?
Is that the real reason
I'm on this show?
Mr. Gubler, when I prepare
your note cards...
you're supposed to get
your own espresso.
Didn't you get
my "espress yourself" memo?
I don't have time
for your little mind games.
I'd like to remind you...
that we're laying people
off around here.
I can find an intern who will do
your job for free like that.
SINGING:
I been locked out
I been locked in
But I always seem
to come back again
And the view, when I look
from my window...
Oh, that's a much better size.
That looks great.
That would go really well
with the EZ-Fits.
So... Oh, buttoning it up.
That's even better.
Yeah, roll 'em right up.
It's liberating, isn't it?
I bought
a toothbrush, some toothpaste
A flannel for my face
Pajamas, a hairbrush
new shoes, and a case
I said to my reflection
Let's get out of this place
Past the church and the steeple
The laundry on the hill
Murder, there's one committed
each 7 seconds.
Hello. I got cut off.
I'm sorry.
Tempted by the fruit of another
Waa waa
Hello? What?
Tempted, but the truth
is discovered
No, no, no.
Listen, he needs us, OK?
If he makes videos,
we show them, OK?
It's symbiotic. It's like
a "chicken or the egg?"
It's both of them
working together.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Well, let me tell you something.
No, no, no.
I'm not scared of...
Jesus!
Aah!
MAN ON TELEPHONE:
Michael, don't laugh at me.
What?
No, I'm in an accident.
I got in an accident.
Yeah, I'm fine.
No. I'll call you back,
all right?
I'm gonna call you...
When you said
you would sue...
Well, it's not
really my idea.
It's just I got my lawyer guy
telling me, you know...
something, like,
about my rates or...
Right. You mean, like sue
in a courtroom for money?
I don't even know...
because I've never really
done anything like this before.
I mean, do you have
a lawyer or something?
No, I don't have a lawyer.
I don't have a dentist.
I'm... You know, I make
four-hundred dollars a week.
What do you do?
Well, at the moment,
I'm working...
I'm sorry.
I just... I got to...
Hello.
Yeah. What is it?
You know, I don't care...
if she does twelve books
of herself naked, OK?
It doesn't...
That's Dr. Zaius
from "Planet of the Apes. "
Oh.
I'm sorry. No.
Someone else is in here.
Yeah? Well, let her
say that to me.
-No, don't do that.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no. You can...
That's all right...
I was... Go ahead.
You want to touch it?
It's all right.
Yeah. No, go ahead.
No, I was talking to...
Look, can I talk to you later?
Can we... When? OK. OK.
Um... OK.
Um... uh...
You know what?
Just forget it.
Really, just forget
the whole thing...
because it was probably
my fault anyway.
And I'll get in trouble,
and it just doesn't...
And you seem very sweet.
And you seem to like Dr. Zaius.
Oh. Ha ha.
-Oh, no.
-That's...
I'm sorry.
That's... He was just
a collector's... No big...
Well, we can...
-You know what?
-No, here's his head.
It's really... you know...
I think he's gone.
I'm, like, ruining
your whole life here.
No, no, you're not. Really.
Just don't... Just don't
touch anything else...
and I think we'll be fine.
Michael Grates, vice president
regional programming...
"In Your Face" TV.
We've seen it.
It's like MTV,
but with an edge.
-Yeah. So, is it a date?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Dinner?
-Coffee.
-Coffee or cappuccino?
-He ended up saying decaf.
Oh, no. Early night.
Is there any precoffee activity?
Um... I don't think so.
Did he ask you to go out
or to hang out?
Go out.
He definitely said go out.
Hey.
How are you doing?
-Oh, shit.
-What?
I forgot to tell you something.
Are you out of your mind?
Oh, my god. Lainie, he just got
fired from the newsstand.
He needs a place to stay
till he can find a new job...
and get his own place.
Vickie, that's the American
dream of the nineties.
That could take years.
Look at it like a built-in
security system.
We'll have a man
around the house.
We'll have a hall monitor.
That's what we'll have.
I don't even know if this is
allowed in the building.
It's not like Mr. Roper's
gonna burst in.
I'll just stay on the couch.
Vickie,
he will turn this place...
into a den of slack.
What the hell is your problem?
I have to work around here,
and unfortunately, Troy...
you are a master
at the art of time suckage.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, miss poster
girl for the workers party...
but until I get that toehold
in the burger industry...
I got a little time to suck.
I'd rather check into a shelter
than deal with her shit.
I know how much you
love to mainline in misery here.
But you don't have to.
I can get you a job interview
at my dad's plant.
What is that?
Part of my lease agreement?
It's either that
or a credit check.
It's cool, Troy.
You can stay.
Welcome to the maxi pad.
Yeah,
with the new dry-weave...
it actually pulls moisture
away from you. It's good.
You won't even know
I'm here.
Should I get married?
Should I be good?
Should I astound
the girl next door
with my velvet suit
and my Faustus hood?
And not take her to movies
but to cemeteries
and tell her of werewolf tongues
and forked clarinets?
What
"Hey, That's My Bike"...
would like to do eventually.
as a band...
is travel the countryside
like Woody Guthrie.
Or Richard Simmons.
You know how,
in his commercials...
how he travels around,
surprises people jogging.
As you can see,
I have the occasional run-in...
with an anti-
"Hey, That's My Biker. "
And to those people,
I say nobody...
Nobody can eat fifty eggs.
-Lainie?
-Whatie?
The next time you make
microwave brownies...
I'd really consider
using a microwave.
It's just a thought.
You know,
I finally figured out...
what your problem is, Dyer.
What's that?
I'm not a Pepper?
You suffer from the philosopher
groupie syndrome.
You're this guy
with, like, a 180 I.Q...
ten units away from
a degree in philosophy...
and you always fall
for these dumb groupie types.
Now... they are not all dumb.
Most of them
are just very, very depressed.
Do you find me attractive,
sitting here, eating brownies?
You do. You're strangely
attracted to me right now.
You're oddly, oddly
attracted to me.
It turns you on, doesn't it?
You like to watch, don't you?
Come on.
Come on! Aah!
Here. Ha ha ha!
Don't! Come on.
It's not funny. Give it back.
-Give what back?
-Give it back!
Give what back?
Give the brownies back?
-Aah!
-Brownies, brownies.
Oh, I love brownies.
My name's Lelaina.
Hey, don't!
Hey, watch the camera.
Don't throw it at me.
That's not nice.
Mr. Gubler, do you have time
to take a look...
at what I've done here?
I need my questions.
Oh, well, here's
the research that I did.
You might want to read it...
because this guest has
quite a history in politics.
Just give me my questions.
Excusez-moi.
-You all alone?
-Not anymore.
If I could bottle
the sexual tension...
between Bonnie Franklin
and Schneider...
I could solve
the energy crisis.
Excuse me.
Don't bogart that can... man.
-Are you retarded?
-No. I'm rhyming.
It's not easy.
Sure, I make it look easy.
You guys
better not be inhaling.
Hi.
Lelaina, Vickie was just
promoted to manager of the Gap.
-Shut up.
-It's not even a big deal.
The old manager
tried to kill herself...
by eating a whole pot
of poinsettias.
Still, I'm so proud of you.
Wait.
I'll be making four-hundred
dollars a week, though.
We're never gonna
have rent problems again.
Troy, aren't you excited?
I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
You guys,
I just thought of something.
I'm manager of the Gap.
I'm responsible
for all those t-shirts...
French-cut, v-necked, ribbed,
what have you.
Dude, I'm in trouble.
No, you're not, Vick.
I know you can do it.
I just do not understand
why this moment...
has to be Memorexed.
Sammy, don't you realize?
This is your one opportunity
to play a small part...
in what is destined
to be greatness.
Lainie here
is gonna revolutionize...
"Good Morning, Grant. "
Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!
I had no idea!
Look who's mocking.
All you do around here, Troy...
is eat and couch
and fondle the remote control.
I am not under any orders to
make the world a better place.
Well, then what good are you?
You're a pathological optimist.
You're pathological.
Oh, would you two just do it
and get it over with?
I'm starving.
Oh!
Hello. You've reached
the winter of our discontent.
Uh... hold on.
It's some Michael character.
Oh.
-Who's Michael?
-Let's order a pizza.
Lelaina, if we promise
to pay you back...
will you spot us a pizza?
Don't have any cash.
Dominoes takes checks.
OK, great.
OK. Bye.
The owner of Dominoes
supports Operation Rescue.
Oh, please. No one
gives a shit right now.
We're starving.
Oh, wait. Wait.
-Ta-da!
-We're going to eat gas.
Ah!
Who's this Michael guy?
Um...
Hey. Vickie just figured
something out.
-What?
-Something wonderful.
Ha ha ha! Evian is naive
spelled backwards.
Uh! Could you
turn this up, please?
Please?
You won't be sorry.
Thank you.
RADIO:... When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Gun it comin' off
of the line, Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up,
such a dirty mind
Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind
My, my, my, i, yi, woo!
Hey!
M-m-my Sharona.
Come a little closer, huh?
Ah, will ya, huh?
Close enough to look
in my eyes, Sharona
Keeping it a mystery,
it gets to me
Running down the length
of my thighs, Sharona...
Good times,
any time you need them, baby
Good times,
ain't no time to be afraid
Thelma's husband Keith has got
vodka hidden in the toilet.
Vodka in the toilet.
That's a good one.
Um... boom boom.
James Dice.
That's a two-parter, man.
You can't do that.
J.J. works in the chicken shop.
He works in a chicken shop.
We did that.
It's the same one
when he has that cape on.
Drink up, man.
You hate to see that
happen to the rookie.
Um... Alderman Davis
judges a...
Oh, my god.
Hi.
Are you a collection agent?
Lelaina!
Oh! Yeah, I'll be right there.
Oh.
If you ain't
the most hardheaded woman...
Great!
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Oh, it's me!
Willona dates a deaf guy.
-Good one.
-Willona dates a deaf guy.
How about the one
when Gary Coleman comes on...
and he's like the little...
like, guy doing that...
-Yeah, we did that one.
-He was cute, though.
-J.J.'s prom date.
-Gotta go. Gotta go.
-Hey. Hi. Hello. Hi.
-Hi.
Um... everybody, this is Michael.
This is...
Prom date. Prom date. Go.
You know, we should...
We should... Yeah.
So, I'm gonna go.
Bye.
Michael throws a party.
Sammy, let's go.
Lelaina, you know the punishment
for premature evacuation.
Penny! Willona adopts Penny!
Shit!
I'm making
this documentary...
about my friends,
but it's really about...
people who are trying to find
their own identity...
without having any real role
models or heroes or anything.
Wow. That...
That sounds great.
It seems like your friends
would be perfect for that.
Like, um...
Like that guy Troy...
-Troy, yeah.
-You all done here, sir?
Uh, yeah. yeah.
You don't want to finish that?
Because I can...
No, no, no. I'm fine.
I had a late...
So, Troy is...
You guys just...
It's like you guys living there,
just the two of you?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's me and Vickie,
but he got fired from his job...
and so he needed a place
to crash for a couple weeks.
They caught him
stealing a Snickers.
He stole a Snickers bar?
Yeah. Ha ha ha!
Somehow he can rationalize it...
like the establishment
owes him a Snickers.
Right, right.
Well, I mean...
I guess... you know...
You know, you're very beautiful.
I mean... I mean, um...
Seriously, you're...
I'm, uh... I'm, uh... not really
good with compliments.
Um... but, uh...
Um... Ha ha!
Are you religious?
Um... Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm...
I guess I'm, uh...
a non-practicing Jew.
Hey, I'm
a non-practicing virgin.
Who's this again?
Frampton.
Peter Frampton.
Frampton...
I can't believe you
don't remember...
"Frampton Comes Alive. "
That album, like,
totally changed my life.
The most profound, important
invention of my lifetime...
the Big Gulp.
And because, see...
No, listen.
You get one in the morning.
I'm talking forty-four ouncer,
not this thirty-two wimpy...
-Wait a minute. Forty four?
-Yeah. Forty-four ounce.
How can you ingest
forty-four ounces of anything?
How can you ingest
forty-four ounces of anything?
You get one.
You have your essential vitamins
and nutrients...
for the entire day.
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
I'm sure you're totally covered.
-You do.
-Well...
I guess it really doesn't
take much to make me happy.
Hey, I'm not
materialistic, either.
I mean, I think I'd be working
even if I wasn't getting paid.
And I don't, like, want to get,
you know... a big house.
I just want, like,
a nice house.
I'm not into cars and stuff.
I mean, I like my car.
You're probably not
really not into, like...
expensive, snazzy
Italian suits, either.
-Oh, come on.
-I'm just kidding.
-No, no, no.
-I'm just kidding.
Wait a minute.
I'm not like that.
I'm really not.
I mean... I mean...
I'm... I'm... I mean...
I know why the caged bird
sings and everything.
Oh, yeah? Why?
Because he was... in a cage,
and he was...
I don't know.
He had high hopes or something.
OK, I dropped out of school...
before we got to that,
all right?
I should have stayed
in college...
and got a degree
in astronomy or something.
-Oh, god, I love astronomy.
-Really?
Yeah. I just...
The math, though.
It was the math that just,
like... got me every time.
I loved astronomy, too,
and I got into class...
and it was like...
it was like...
everything was three-squared
times pi equals the root of pi.
Yeah. And I just wanted
to look at the stars.
-It was so...
-Same here exactly.
I remember being so happy
on the roof of our old house...
just staring up at the stars.
Mmm...
I want to do that again.
I want to just...
look up at the stars
and take the time to...
smell the...
everything.
Because it's like... do you ever
have those moments in life...
where everything is OK?
Do you know what I mean?
Just for, like, one moment,
everything is great.
Not since I graduated, no.
But yeah... yeah.
When you, like, catch yourself
in a moment...
and you're saying, wait,
I'm happy here in the moment.
Right. And then it
just goes away really quickly.
-Gone.
-It just... It's...
I know I've had
a couple of those, you know.
I always forget them,
but I know I've had them.
Oh, me, too.
Like right now... is one.
Yeah... like now.
SINGING:
Clouds are stalking
Islands in the sun
Wish I could dry one
Out of season
But don't
Hesitate
'Cause your love
Won't wait
Hey, hey, hey
Ooh, baby, I love your way
Every day
Want to tell you I love your way
Ooh, ooh, ooh
TROY, Ooh, baby,
I love your way
Every day
I want to be with you
night and day
Shh!
So, you've been up all night?
I am picking up some
very strange vibes in here.
They're of the...
"I just got laid" variety.
Did he dazzle you...
with his extensive knowledge
of mineral water?
Or was it his in-depth analysis
of Markie Mark...
that finally reeled you in?
I just would have liked
to have been there...
to watch
how you rationalized...
sleeping with a yuppy-head
cheeseball on the first date.
He's not a yuppy.
He's the reason
why Cliff Notes were invented.
Well, that pales
in comparison...
to the tweaked-out
little skanks you date.
To hell with it.
What do I care?
What do you care?
And why are you acting...
like a jealous boyfriend
all of a sudden?
I am not acting like anything.
I am calmly reading.
God. If something's
bothering you that much...
I wish you could just be man
enough to talk to me about it.
All right, Lelaina.
I am really in love with you.
Is that what you want to hear?
Is it?
Well, don't flatter yourself.
Go to hell.
Since I've been
manager here...
our gross has increased
over twenty percent.
So...
What?
OK. OK. Um...
I guess I'm proud of that.
Oh, please.
Look at this sweater.
People don't know.
They don't know what it takes.
I've never been
a good example before...
and, um... I've never been good
with responsibility.
So, uh...
I blame my parents, though.
I think I was conceived
on an acid trip.
My parents got divorced
when I was 5 years old.
And I saw my father about
three times a year after that.
And when he found out
that he had cancer...
he decided to bring me here...
and he gives me
this big pink sea shell...
and he says to me...
"Son, the answers are all
inside of this. "
And I'm all, like, "What?"
But then I realized
that the shell was empty.
There's no point
to any of this.
It's all just a...
A random lottery
of meaningless tragedy...
and a series
of near escapes.
So I take pleasure
in the details, you know.
A Quarter-Pounder with cheese.
Those are good.
The sky about... ten minutes
before it starts to rain.
The moment where your laughter
becomes a cackle.
And I sit back, and I...
I smoke my Camel straights.
And I ride my own melt.
Come on. Come on.
No lagging.
The free clinic A.I.D.S. test.
The rite of passage
for our generation.
We're so lucky.
Come on.
So, Vick, why are you
getting tested?
One of my friends
tested positive.
To be on the safe side...
you know.
Vickie Miner.
WOMAN, LOUDER:
Vickie Miner.
You can forget it.
Come on, Grant.
That... It's incredible.
It's junk.
Depressing junk.
You know my rules
for the "Video View"...
light and perky.
Look, Lelaina, maybe I should
talk to Grant alone about this.
Look, she's got real talent...
and I want to put her on staff.
I will not have
Miss Pierce on staff.
I will walk out of here
if that happens.
You watch.
OK, calm down.
It's no big deal.
We don't have to have her.
Besides,
having to look...
at that girl's pointy
little face all day...
it would make me ill.
Just get rid of her...
like I asked you to do
in the first place.
...I'll get there.
If I don't know where to go,
I'll get there.
If I don't know...
Ten seconds...
nine, eight, seven...
six, five, four...
Is this a good morning or what?
Ha ha ha! Well, with us today
is Libby Kumbaugh...
the author of this book...
"Mommy, Why Do I Hate Myself?
"Self-Esteem
for Parent and Child. "
-Good morning, Libby.
-Good morning, Grant.
Good morning! Now, Libby...
I'm concerned with self-esteem.
Personally, I've always had
an odd preference...
for very, very young girls.
I...
Being a total prick...
...Iy pear, I...
Why don't we welcome
this audience again, huh?
Good morning!
I make more of a mess
than Ruby does.
Hi. You guys, we have to have
a family meeting.
Something's happened.
Oh, no! They've discovered
Nutrasweet causes you...
to grow a third eye.
Let me just say that
everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah,
it's not a big deal.
She'll just wear
a patch over it.
I'm working out a plan.
Yeah, there's
a surgeon in Paris.
He'll just remove it
for free.
-Just don't panic.
-It's not contagious.
Would you shut up?
I just got fired.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
What happened?
You got fired?
I mean, that just screws up
my whole idea of good and evil.
It's not like I had
a hysterectomy or anything.
I just... I got fired. I'll find
something else, you know.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
You're hired.
I need a part-timer.
You need a job.
That would be so cool.
It's only, like, five dollars
an hour. No big deal.
But it's a pretty good
opportunity.
Yeah,
it's a dream come true.
It is.
You know, Vick,
I said I'm working out a plan.
Yeah.
So, what's the plan?
I'm not gonna work
at the Gap, for Christ's sake.
OK?
-No. I mean...
-Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
Oh, how stupid of me to try
to drag you down to my level.
-Vickie, you don't do this, OK?
-Shut up.
Come on.
This is just...
You know I didn't mean it.
Vickie.
You see, this is
where Troy was fired...
from his eleventh job.
He was an illustrious
office cleaner.
Now if you'll come
this way, please...
we will continue our short
but happy walking tour...
of the career
of Troy Dyer.
And here we have
the newsstand...
where Troy dared
to ask the question...
Are employee snacks subsidized?
The answer... tragically, no.
In total, he has been fired...
from... yes, count them...
twelve jobs.
Twelve? Ouch.
So you shouldn't feel so bad.
One of these mornings, I'm going
to wake up before noon and...
Ha ha. Yeah, right.
And I'm gonna turn on the TV...
and there Bryant Gumbel
will be, and he'll say...
"Today we have with us...
"the Pulitzer Prize winning
documentarian Lelaina Pierce.
"Lelaina, after your first film,
Why Barbie Is Bad... "
"You seem to have forgotten
all about...
"your best friend, Troy Dyer. "
Troy who?
What was that name again?
Oh, right through the heart.
I'll probably be working
at the Whole Foods...
playing warehouses...
hanging around places
like the Radio Shack...
screaming that
I used to know you...
and you'll be there
in the lights...
and you'll be all beautiful
and shit.
Oh, Troy. No, no, no.
That'll never happen.
They would never hire you
at Whole Foods.
You see, Lainie,
this is all we need...
a couple of smokes,
a cup of coffee...
And a little bit
of conversation.
You and me and five bucks.
You got it.
-You know what?
-Hmm?
-No, no, no.
-What?
Troy, I can't. I can't.
Why not?
You never thought about it?
Well, yes, of course
I have, but I...
But what?
I can't not be friends
with you, OK?
I don't want that. That's not
what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about a...
you know, evolving.
I just can't handle
this right now.
I can't evolve right now.
Why not?
Because of Michael?
No.
Yeah. Yes. Yes.
My parents got divorced
when I was fourteen.
My dad... the dog...
he remarried six months
after the divorce.
Wow. That's quick.
How did everybody react?
Um... my mom threatened
to kill herself in front of me.
Patty got drunk in her closet...
every morning
before junior high school.
And you?
Well, um...
Somebody had to remember
to take out the trash...
sign the report cards,
buy the milk.
So, um... that kind of ended up
being me.
I don't want to get married...
because I see
how my parents are.
And they've been together,
like, 26 years...
and they're like brother
and sister at this point.
My mother goes to the bathroom
with the door open.
That's "A."
And "B"...
It's disgusting.
I don't want any part of that.
I want first kisses.
I want passion...
the whole way through.
It's better than having to kiss
your husband's ass all the time.
Yeah.
I think that your documentary...
would be perfect
for "In Your Face. "
-See? Forget it.
-No.
You're probably thinking more
like, you know...
P B.S. or something.
No. No. You know
what it is, though?
It's that I.. Boy.
OK, when I made this thing...
I kind of made
this promise to myself...
that I wasn't going
to think about...
where it was gonna end up
because I didn't want to...
unintentionally
commercialize it.
No,
I think that's great.
I mean, I think
you should definitely...
not unintentionally
do anything...
that you're
not comfortable with.
I mean, not that I would
intentionally...
Well, plus
it's not done yet, you know.
Right. I know. I know.
It was just a stupid...
You know... I got to go
to New York on Wednesday...
for this huge
network meeting thing...
which is totally...
God, you would hate it.
I hate it. I just...
I just thought...
that they would freak out
over your tapes...
because they never see anything
that's really smart...
and has real...
you know, quality and is...
good, like you and your work...
and I know
I'm being selfish and...
Michael, um...
That is literally, literally...
the nicest thing
that anyone's ever said to me...
the sweetest thing that anyone's
ever said to me.
So, what are you doing
for the rest of your morning?
What am...
Oh, what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Ooh. Well, I have
a job interview.
Lelaina, this thing
is from 1988.
I know. Ha ha ha!
So you're, like...
six years late.
I thought the ad said
that this was a job...
for a production assistant.
Yes. You will be
assisting me...
in the production
of videotapes, all right?
You're going to make
copies for me... many copies.
Oh, is this like a...
like a pirate operation?
Do I look like a pirate to you?
Now, radio
is all instinct, Lelaina.
Do you know where
all the radio comes from?
The gut.
It's all in the gut.
Because when you think
on your feet...
got to go from your gut.
And my gut is telling me
that, uh...
this isn't gonna work out.
Maybe your gut's just saying
you're hungry or...
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's telling me that, uh...
you're overqualified
for this job.
I'm really not that smart.
No offense, sweetie,
but you don't have...
any experience on a newspaper.
You're TV.
Well, I'm trying to make my
transition to print journalism.
Ah. Why?
Well, newspapers are
the last watchdogs...
of our... our government.
They enforce
the checks and balances.
And one half-hour of TV
only adds up to...
OK. All right.
Define irony.
Irony. Uh...
Irony.
It's a noun.
It's when something is...
ironic. It's, uh...
Well, I can't really
define irony...
but I know it
when I see it!
Hey. Hey.
Oh, my god.
I've never been so glad...
to see anyone
in my entire life.
This day has been
the biggest nightmare.
I mean, these
job interviews, Troy...
the word vivisection,
a staggering understatement.
Can you define irony?
It's when the actual meaning
is the complete opposite...
from the literal meaning.
Yeah. My god.
Where were you
when I needed you today?
I... I should go.
Oh, come on. Isn't there
some statute of limitations...
for embarrassing incidents?
Your bravado was embarrassing.
Hey, Troy, come on.
You can stay with me
for one cigarette.
I know you can stay with me
for one cigarette.
You, me, five bucks,
good conversation.
Right?
Lainie...
Troy, you haven't been home
in four days.
I mean, where have you
been sleeping?
I got to go.
Mom, I need to talk to you
about a loan.
Is it for drugs?
No. No, it's not for drugs.
I was f...
I lost my job.
But you shouldn't have
any trouble...
finding another job,
sugar bugger.
No. See, I tried.
I applied for every single
opening in my field...
but there's just...
There's nothing right now.
Hmm. Well...
then I hate to say it but...
times are hard.
You're just gonna
have to swallow your pride.
Why don't you get a job
at Burgerama? They'll hire you.
My lord, I saw on the TV...
they had this little retarded
boy working the cash register.
Because I'm not retarded, mom.
I was valedictorian
of my university.
Well, you don't have to put that
down on your application.
Miss Pierce,
do you have any idea...
what it means to be a cashier
at Wiener Schnitzel?
Yeah. It's, uh... taking orders
and making change, and, uh...
"thank you. "
No. It's a juggling act.
A juggling act? You mean,
like, metaphorically?
No. I mean, you got people
coming at you from the front...
coming at you from the back,
from the sides...
people at the condiment
exchange...
people at the drive-thru,
kids on bikes...
and they're all
depending on who?
-Me?
-Yeah.
You got time to lean,
you got time to clean, buddy.
All right?
You got to be 150 percent
on your toes...
150 percent of the time.
There you go, sir.
And have a 'tude, wiener dude.
All rightie.
OK. I'm going to throw
a few numbers out at you...
and you put them together in
your head as quick as you can.
-OK?
-OK.
Eighty-five and forty-five. Go.
One... forty?
Nope.
-One... fifty?
-Nope.
-One-sixty?
-It's not an auction.
Miss Pierce, there's a reason
I've been here six months.
WEATHERMAN:
For the entire summertime...
occurring in one day.
Then last night we had
snow reports in Utah.
Today reports of I-70...
Royalton Hotel.
Oh, hi.
Is this the Royalton Hotel?
That's what I said.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't hear you.
I'm looking for a guest there.
His name is Michael Grates.
Hold one moment, please.
That guest is out.
Would you like
to leave a message?
Oh... no. That's OK.
I'll just try again later.
Thanks.
Hi. I'm Cheryl Goode
and welcome to "Wedgie"...
the world of hip couture.
This week, we're
in south-central Los Angeles...
at the intersection
of Florence and Normandy...
the flashpoint of fashion.
The phattest gangsta trend
will increase your peace.
This bandanna by Donna Karin...
is blue for Crips,
red for Bloods...
and only costs
seventy-five dollars.
Lainie, have you seen
a pack of guitar strings?
I have to bring them
to the club.
You know,
I hope he knows...
that he still has to
pay some rent around here.
I mean... Ha ha.
I don't know where he thinks
he's spending his nights, but...
Do you know?
I'm late for a jean-folding
seminar. Let's locomote.
Now you can call
your own personal psychic...
anytime 24 hours a day...
thanks to the nationwide
Psychic Discovery Network.
You can pick up the phone
and talk directly...
with an established
professional psychic...
in the privacy of your own home.
I was unhappy in my career,
and I needed a change.
But I didn't know what to do.
It's just that nothing
is going down according to plan.
I mean, my best friend...
I feel like I've
lost him forever...
and he was like
my touchstone, you know.
WOMAN ON TELEPHONE:
This man...
does his name start
with the letter "N"?
Because I'm getting
a very strong "N" vibration.
Newsstand.
"N," newsstand.
He used to work
at a newsstand.
Uh-huh.
Oh, god.
This is unbelievable.
Honey,
that's not all I'm getting.
There are people
I know from high school...
who are already married
and having babies.
I mean, babies, OK?
I can't even take care
of a Chia Pet.
Well, honey,
I didn't have kids...
until I was on
my third husband.
Oh, really?
All Geminis.
You know
what I think, Tanell?
I think you still
really love Monty.
Yeah,
you're probably right...
but it don't matter now.
Oh, yes,
it does, Tanell.
I know you're afraid,
but you've got to find him...
and you've got to tell him
how you really feel.
Find him? I got...
Lelaina.
We need to talk to you.
Hold on, Tanell.
Hold on.
I'm on the phone.
Yeah, I can see that...
and we have a four-hundred
and six dollar phone bill...
mainly due to some calls
to a 1-900 number.
Lelaina,
I'm so seriously troubled...
Listen, we'd help you
out, but we're broke, too.
And you know we can't afford
a new deposit...
if the phone gets shut off.
Maybe you could borrow
the money from Michael.
No, Sammy. Jesus.
Lainie,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
You lay on that couch all day.
Those pajamas
are like your uniform.
You run up a four-hundred dollar
phone bill.
You watch TV.
You chain-smoke.
You don't go outside.
You don't do anything.
Man, you are in the bell jar.
Look, this is my apartment.
I signed the lease.
I let you move in here when you
had no job, no money...
and you sponged off me
for two months!
Sponged? Uh-huh.
And now Miss Big Power Marm...
Miss "I'm manager
of the Gap now"...
you think you can just come
in here and push me around?!
She's not being pushy.
Sammy, what are you even
doing here? You don't live here!
Hey, my little
unemployed waif...
you're the one who's looking
for work now, OK?
God, you're really
enjoying this, aren't you?
You're high.
Why don't you go take a walk
outside and get some fresh air?
You've been waiting for this
since the day we met.
Who told you that?
Your psychic partner?
I'll tell you the problem
with your generation.
You don't have any work ethic.
Now, you take your friend Troy,
for example.
I went out of my way to set up
an interview for him...
and he didn't even
bother to show up.
That wasn't his fault.
He asked me to call and cancel.
And everything was going on.
And it slipped my mind.
And I'm... sorry, but, you know,
I have a work ethic, dad.
I have a very strong work ethic,
you know. Ask anyone.
Then all you got to do
is show some ingenuity, hmm?
Darling, I love you, and I hate
to break your plate...
but you got to grow up sometime.
Now, I want you to go out there
and show me some ingenuity, hmm?
Let me talk
with you, my baby
It is bad to say
that maybe
It is time for you
to say we
Came to share
a point of view
Living in the never-never
Dropping out of here together
I could spend some time
forever
With a girl like you,
let me hear you say
Let's go, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah
Let's go
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah
Right here on earth.
Looking for tomorrow
Can you see us one day?
Beg or steal or borrow
We could live forever
Never to say never
You will be for me
I will fight for you, now
Let's go
Ooh, ooh, ooh
You want to turn it in,
turn it into heaven, yeah...
Well, that solves
our first problem.
Rent's due this week.
Well, well.
Look who finally decided
to grace us with his...
Presence.
This is...
This is, uh, Jean.
Janine.
Uh, Janine. Janine.
It's a little loud in the club.
Excuse me.
Can't stay here, Troy.
I'm just gonna
pick something up.
Well...
Mission accomplished.
Now leave.
I think maybe
I'm gonna wait...
Always the mistress
of etiquette, huh, Lainie?
Just out of curiosity...
why are you suddenly acting
like a jealous girlfriend?
All right. We're just
trying to pay bills here, OK?
So, Troy, if you got
any money...
Money? Oh, but what's
money to an artist?
To a philosopher?
It's just green-colored paper...
that floats in and out
of his life like snow.
It's nothing you actually have
to, I don't know, work for...
is it, Troy?
No, not if you have
daddy's little gas card.
You shut up!
You shut up! I busted my ass
to find a job, any job!
You don't even bother
showing up for interviews!
What is it that you want
from me? Huh? What is it?
You want me to get a job
on the line...
for the next 20 years,
until I'm granted leave...
with my gold-plated watch
and my balls full of tumors...
because I surrendered the one
thing that means shit to me?
Well, honey,
you can just exhale...
because it's not gonna happen,
not in this lifetime.
All right, fine!
You don't want to work, fine!
Lainie, goddamn it!
You want to be a band,
then be a goddamn band!
Rehearse every day!
Play every night!
Play three times a night!
Don't just dick around the same
coffeehouse for five years!
Don't dick around
with her or with me.
I mean, try at something,
for once in your life!
Do something about it,
but you know what?
You better do it now,
and you better do it fast...
because the world
doesn't owe you any favors...
and whether
you know it or not...
you're on the inside track
to Loserville, U.S.A...
just like him.
OK. It's just
too psychotic in here now.
All right, Lelaina,
let's go for a walk.
Fine.
Come on, man.
Let them go.
With pleasure, my friends.
With pleasure. Ha.
"With pleasure"? You know
who I really feel sorry for...
is that poor girl.
Oh, how about when he sneaks
his laundry in with ours?
It's like I'm pulling
that stuff out of the dryer...
and there's five pairs
of his boxers...
I just washed unknowingly.
No, I'll just throw it
back in his face.
Yeah, like I'm gonna
do his laundry. Yeah.
He's weird. He's strange.
He's sloppy.
He's a total nightmare
for women.
I can't believe
I haven't slept with him yet.
Do you ever wish
you were a lesbian?
Don't you think it would be
so much easier?
Sometimes, but...
Nah. I couldn't
go through with it.
I'd start laughing
or something.
But it's such a shame...
because I am
so through with men.
If one more guy
walks out on me...
I don't even know what.
I swear.
What are you
talking about...
Walk out on you?
You walk out on them.
I've seen you.
You're out the door
before the condom comes off.
Listen to me, I'm just
beating them to the punch.
OK.
You don't even know
I'm sitting here...
maybe...
Probably dying of A.I.D.S.
And I'm totally alone.
Vickie...
Well, uh...
you're not alone.
Hey. Look, I'm sorry
for everything I said...
and I'm sorry
for being such a bitch...
but I have to tell you,
you're not alone.
You're not, and you're not
dying of A.I.D.S.
You don't understand.
Every day, all day...
it's all that I think about, OK?
Every time I sneeze...
it's like I'm four sneezes away
from the hospice.
And it's like it's not even
happening to me.
It's like I'm watching it
on some crappy show...
like "Melrose Place"
or some shit, right?
And I'm the new character.
I'm the H.I.V.-A.I.D.S.
character...
and I live in the building,
and I teach everybody...
that it's OK to be near me,
it's OK to talk to me...
and then I die...
and there's everybody
at my funeral...
wearing halter tops and chokers
or some shit like that.
Vickie, stop, OK?
Just stop.
You're freaking out,
and you know what?
You're gonna have to deal
with the results.
Whatever they are, we're gonna
have to deal with them...
just like we've dealt
with everything else.
This isn't like
everything else.
I know that, all right?
But it's gonna be OK,
you know?
I know it's gonna be OK.
"Melrose Place"
is a really good show.
WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Lelaina Pierce.
Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?
Yeah.
Hello.
Lelaina?
Ha ha! Hi!
Look, I had to
call you right away.
Listen, listen.
Don't kill me, OK?
What? What?
I took the tape,
and I showed it.
No.
Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
They freaked out.
They want to buy them.
-No.
-Yes.
They liked it?
No, no. I mean, they, like,
psychotically loved it.
They want to pay you for it.
I know this isn't P B.S.,
but is this OK?
Yes! I was this close to selling
fruit at intersections.
Well, don't, all right?
Don't.
Just hang on, and I'm gonna
get you some money...
and I'm gonna be down there
in a few days...
and I just...
I'm just, like...
I'm thinking about you
every second here.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hello! Can you hear me now?
Where are you?
I'm in a phone booth.
Why are you
on a cellular phone?
I don't know.
I have no idea. I'm just...
Michael, Michael, Michael,
I... I really miss you!
I really miss you, too.
I love you. Oh! Whoa!
I mean... I mean...
you amaze me.
No! You amaze me!
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Michael, I'm losing you.
I'm gonna call you back.
Wait. What?
Pay phone outside...
always amazes me.
Hey.
"Try me. I'm free. "
Good mag. Good mag.
-Negatory.
-Yeah! All right!
Did you hear that?
Negative!
Here. Let me see that.
Hey, hey! All rightie!
Thanks
for the help, Lainie.
A celebration zoom.
OK. Enough.
-Ma!
-I'm right here, son.
-Ma.
-Yeah?
I have to tell you
some... thing.
I am... a... homo... sexual.
Oh, Christ. Is there a support
group that I can join...
to help me come to terms
with my own homophobia?
Yes, there is...
a group which is named
P F L.A.G....
Parents and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays.
Oh. Oh. P F L.A.G.
I'm beginning to like
the sound of that.
What you've just witnessed here
is a preenactment...
of events that are
about to take place.
Well... I came out to her, and...
she's still
a little bit upset.
But you know...
You know, I think
the real reason...
that I've been celibate
for so long...
isn't really because I'm
that terrified of the big "A"...
but because I can't really
start my life...
without being honest
about who I am and...
SAMMY ON TAPE:
I want to be in there, too.
I want to feel miserable
and happy and all of that.
I mean, I...
I want to...
I want to be let back
in the house.
Hello. Oh, hi.
Um... sorry.
Just... the door was...
So I just, um...
Yeah, she's getting dressed.
Great.
I'll just...
Oh, I, um...
I don't know if she told you...
but I just came back
from New York...
with the tapes that she made,
and the stuff of you...
it's really...
it's really great stuff.
Really. That whole...
that whole thing about...
"Nobody can eat all the eggs,"
that was...
that was really...
I was quoting
Cool Hand Luke.
Yeah. That's OK.
I mean... That's... I know.
It's... I mean... You know...
It's still... It's...
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
What happened
to your normal clothes?
Wow!
Lelaina, look at you.
You look...
Where'd you get that dress?
Oh, um... I don't know.
I just bought it.
But I think I'm gonna
go change because...
No, don't.
You look beautiful.
You look like...
You look like...
A doily.
-I'm gonna change.
-No, don't change.
And don't go thinking
for yourself either, Lainie.
Hey, what is your glitch, huh?
My "glitch"?
You know what?
We're already late.
No, no, no, no.
Hang on a second here.
Do you have, like, a problem
with me or something?
Because if you do, let's just
get this out, all right?
Seriously, is there, like...
I mean, have I, like, uh...
stepped over some line in
the sands of coolness with you?
Because.. Because...
No, no, no. Excuse me...
if somebody doesn't know
the secret handshake with you.
There's no secret handshake.
There's an I.Q. prerequisite,
but there's no secret handshake.
I... This is... You... No...
This guy... you've got this whole
thing with the world.
Don't you? Huh? That's great.
That's really wonderful.
But guess what.
I'm a human being, OK?
We're human beings,
people, OK?
We're not, like, intelligence
quotations or whatever.
-Just ignore him.
-No!
Done.
Come on. Let's go.
You don't need this.
You don't know
what she needs.
I think I know what she needs
in a way that you never will.
Let's go.
Baby, tell me
that my love ain't good
I don't treat you right,
I don't do you like I should...
Listen,
that's got to be back here, OK?
-Hi.
-Hi.
So, you ready?
Well, what's it like?
I mean...
It's great. It's great.
I mean, I haven't actually
seen it yet...
but we had our best guys
working on it...
and, you know, we just put
some titles on...
and shaped it a little bit.
It's gonna be great.
OK.
OK, OK.
OK. Thanks.
OK, everybody,
it's a special night...
because, as you know,
we're entering into...
a new phase
here at the channel...
real programming.
And our first step
is this remarkable piece...
by Lelaina.
So hang on, because
this is going to change...
the face
of "In Your Face. "
What's this?
It's just transitional stuff.
MAN, SINGING:
La la la-la la
The story of my life
We're finished!
SINGING:
School's out forever
I am not under any orders to
make the world a better place.
And you wonder
why we never got involved.
SINGING:
School's been blown to pieces
SINGING:
Love can make you weep
I don't want to get married...
because I see
how my parents are.
-My parents got divorced...
-My parents got divorced...
-When I was fourteen.
-When I was five years old.
My mother actually goes to
the bathroom with the door open.
I swore to myself
I'd never get married.
I want passion.
Let's talk about
sex, baby, let's talk about...
Turns you on, doesn't it?
Brownies!
Would you two just do it and get
it over with? I'm starving.
Oh, my god.
LELAINA, ON VIDEO:
But the question remains...
How can we repair
all the damage we inherited?
I was told there'd be
no math on this exam.
Can I change my answer?
The answer is simple.
We're on a road
to nowhere
Jesus.
The answer is...
The-the-the answer is...
Pizza!
Pizza.
Pizza. Ha ha.
Oh...
-It's, um...
-Yeah, right.
We're on a road
to nowhere
But here we go
Lelaina.
Lelaina, look. I'm sorry,
all right? I didn't know.
That was not my work, Michael.
That's not what I did.
That's not what I want.
It had nothing!
I can't believe
I trusted you!
I had no idea!
I didn't see it!
I mean, look. I guess it was
probably a little slow...
and they cut it up
a little...
Cut it up?
They cut up everything
that meant anything to me!
I mean, I don't even think
you realize what you've done.
You don't get it.
You just don't get it!
I do get it!
Look. It just...
It's, like, you have
this great piece of work...
and we have this audience,
these kids...
and it's like trying to feed
them meatloaf or something...
and they don't want to
eat it, right?
So you have to give them, like,
"Here comes the plane.
"It's coming into the hangar.
Open up the hangar. "
But it's still meatloaf.
It was never meatloaf!
That's a bad...
I just...
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
They were just trying
to market it.
And I wish I could
be perfect, OK?
I wish I could be like Troy...
riding on his melted
cheese sandwich and everything.
Don't you dare bring Troy
into this.
Hey, I wish
I could be like him.
I wish I could live
off of creeds and mottoes...
and all that shit,
all right?
But I'm in the real world
here, OK?
And I have ideals also.
They're that I...
I care about you...
and I want
to make you happy...
and I'm...
I just...
Look...
I'll make them take
the pizza thing out, OK?
I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill
And I'm sitting here
on Capitol Hill
Well, it's a long,
long journey to...
How'd the big premiere
turn out?
Fine.
They were just
videotapes, right?
Who cares? Ha ha.
I just worked
so hard on them, you know?
I worked so hard.
Ah, forget it.
I just sound pathetic.
No, you don't.
You don't sound pathetic.
You know, I know
it sounds stupid...
but it really meant
something to me.
I know it wasn't gonna,
you know, end world hunger...
or, you know,
save the planet...
but it just meant
something to me.
I just don't...
Understand why things just can't
go back to normal...
at the end
of the half-hour...
like on "The Brady Bunch"
or something.
Well, because Mr. Brady
died of A.I.D.S.
Things don't work out like that.
I was really gonna be something
by the age of twenty-three.
Honey, all you have to be
by the age of twenty-three...
is yourself.
I don't know
who that is anymore.
Well, I do.
And we all love her.
I love her.
Uh...
She breaks my heart
again and again...
but, uh...
But I love her.
I've wanted you like this
for all these years.
Hey.
Hi. Ha ha.
Where are you going?
I have rehearsal.
At 8:24 in the morning?
Yeah. Ha ha.
-So... that's it?
-No.
No, that's not...
It's not it.
I just... I, uh...
I have to go.
Got a party mama,
got a cokehead dad
I'm the ultimate inversion,
the American man
Don't feel good,
but don't feel bad
It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'
I ain't left, I ain't right
I feel so alone
Before I was born,
I was all gone
Don't even make sense
that I wrote this song
'Cause...
Tell me it's not true.
TROY, SINGING:
It's me, you see, I'm nuthin'
I'm nuthin'
Nuthin'
That's me
I'm nuthin'
Lainie, sex is the quickest way
to ruin a friendship.
Come on.
Thank you.
We'll be right back...
with a new American cheese
snack idea.
You got a phone call.
Lelaina.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Don't say anything, all right?
Look, I screwed up, all right?
I know.
I should have protected
you and your work...
and I didn't,
and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I didn't.
And I want to make this
up to you, OK?
You mean so much
to me, Lelaina...
and I just...
Look, two tickets,
all right, New York.
We go, and we give them
a presentation...
of the show
the way you want it done.
Michael, I don't...
I know. I know,
but this time is different.
I mean, who's the boss, huh?
Huh? Tony Danza? No.
I don't think so.
It's you.
It's your show,
and I just...
I just... you know,
feel like maybe...
I deserve another shot here.
Well, hi, Lelaina.
Hi.
What, is there a frog
in your throat...
or are you just glad
to see me?
Hi, Mike. Thanks
for coming down, man.
No hard feelings.
Lelaina, you're looking
a little peaked.
Yeah. Are you OK?
She's fine.
She's fine.
She's just had
too many Diet Cokes today.
Yeah, this girl
is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Ha.
So, are you gonna
tell him, or am I?
Could you excuse me?
Could I talk to you?
Hi.
You want to tell me what
the hell he's doing here?
I wanted to talk to you.
What the hell do you care?
You totally bailed on me
this morning.
I panicked. It happens.
I thought we could
work it out, you know.
I mean, I don't know if now
is the right time for us.
Look, I meant everything
that I said to you last night.
Don't look at me like that.
Don't look at me like that.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm not saying I...
Look, you are the only woman...
that I could ever
commit myself to.
So what?
Do I get a medal?
I win the big commitment
cook-off, and you just run away?
I knew this was gonna happen!
I knew this was gonna happen!
I don't want to lose you.
I've never been in an experience
like this before.
I've never had sex with somebody
that I loved before.
Oh, well, congratulations,
Troy Dyer.
Welcome to the world
of the emotionally immature.
It's a really nice place
to visit.
Hey, you may run into Michael.
He lives here.
Oh, yeah, right. Michael.
Michael. He's so mature...
because he lets you navigate
that entire relationship.
Well, I'm sorry, Lelaina,
but you can't navigate me.
I might do mean things,
and I might hurt you...
and I might run away
without your permission...
and you might hate me forever.
And I know that that scares
the shit out of you...
because I'm the only
real thing that you have.
Yeah? Well, that ain't
real much.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, Troy, man, you're on.
Michael, I'm sorry...
Listen, I'm sorry, all right?
That's what this is all about.
This one's for you, Lainie.
Why can't I get just one kiss?
Why can't I get just one kiss?
You told me there'd be some
things that I wouldn't miss
But I looked at your pants
And I need a kiss
Why can't I get just one screw?
Why can't I get just one screw?
Believe me, I'd know
what to do
But something won't let me
make love to you
Why can't I get just one ah?
Why can't I get just one ah?
Oh, nice job. Very well done.
Really good.
I don't want to hear it
from you.
Yeah? Well, I forgot I'm not
qualified to talk to you.
I'm sorry I can't be Mister...
Hey, look at me.
I'm Buddha on the mountaintop.
You know what you are, man?
You what what you remind me of?
You're like that guy,
you know, with the...
with the hat and the bells
and the little, you know...
The court jester.
Yeah, right. Where everything's
so easy to laugh at...
from a safe distance
back in Clever-Clever Land.
You know what happens to him?
They find his skull in a grave,
and they go...
"Oh, I knew him,
and he was funny. "
And the guy, the court jester,
dies all by himself.
Where'd you hear that,
a Renaissance festival?
Besides, everyone dies
all by himself.
If you really believe that...
Who are you looking for
out here?
SINGING:
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You say you'll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
Hello.
Hello?
SINGING:
All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you...
-Hey, Lainie. This is Lance.
-Hi.
Um... I just need to know
if he's OK.
Huh?
OK. All I know is
he went back to Chicago...
alone.
I'm not supposed
to know that, am I?
Shit.
Shit.
Hi.
I was wondering if I could talk
to you for a minute...
before you go.
See, the thing is that, um...
Well...
my dad died.
Oh, god, Troy. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No. It...
What happened was that, um...
I kind of got this arcane
glimpse at the universe.
And the best thing
that I can say about that is...
I don't know. I...
I have this...
this planet of regret...
sitting on my shoulders.
And you have no idea how much
I wish that I could go back...
to that morning
after we made love...
and do everything different.
But I know that I can't, so...
I thought that I would come here
and tell you something.
And what I wanted to tell you...
was that I love you...
and, uh... just wanted to
make sure that that was clear...
so that there wasn't
any confusion.
Um...
So, anyway, uh...
Where are you going?
I was going to look for you.
What for?
Just... wanted to see
if you were OK.
Well, I had
a shitty week, you know.
A froggy went
a-courting, and he did ride
With a sword and a pistol
by his side
Uh-huh, uh-huh, mmm-hmm-hmm
Well, he rode right up
to Miss Mousie's door...
TROY ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
At the beep...
please leave your name, number,
and a brief justification...
for the ontological necessity...
of modern man's
existential dilemma...
and we'll get back to you.
Uh, Lelaina,
this is your dad.
Give me a call
when you get this.
I need you to explain something.
I just got a nine-hundred-dollar
bill on my gas card.
If we should fall,
love will catch us every time
I hear you call,
I will run
And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes
We won't cry,
because it could be fun
What I'm trying to do is
constantly find those people...
find out what makes them
the best and bring that...
Tired of getting razzes
for being bald?
I'm only a young man.
No more dates
where I've been called old man.
Roy, why are you
doing this to me?
I know we can be happy together.
You'll chill in time.
Right now, I need someone...
who understands what my music
and the band mean to me.
But it's just music, Roy.
I'm a human being
with deep feelings...
who feels things deeply.
Music is feeling, babe.
The band may be a small dream,
but it's the only one I've got.
I'm Audi 5000.
Please don't let him
get drunk and drive.
SINGING:
Won't be very long
Till I'm going, going, gone
You say
I only hear what I want to
You say
I talk so all the time
So?
And I thought
what I felt was simple
And I thought
that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know
that I did something wrong
'Cause I missed you
Yeah, yeah, I missed you
And you say
I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention
To the distance
that you're running
Or to anyone, anywhere
I don't understand
if you really care
I'm only hearing negative,
no, no, no, no
No...
So I turned the radio on,
I turned the radio up
And this woman
was singing my song
The lover's in love,
and the other's run away
The lover is crying
'cause the other won't stay
Some of us hover
when we weep for the other
Who was dying since
the day they were born, well
Well, this is not that,
I think that I'm throwing
But I'm thrown
And I thought I'd live forever,
but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me
that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow
Or anywhere with you
You said that I was naive and
I thought
that I was strong, no
I thought, hey, I can leave,
I can leave, though
But now I know
that I was wrong
Because I missed you
Yeah, I missed you