Reckless Kelly (1993) Movie Script
Look at the sun
Falling from the sky
Look at the sunset
Takes my mind
Back
To my homeland
Far away
It's the story
It's the story
Runnin' in my mind
It's so clear
It's so clear
I remember
I remember
Oh, my
Oh, my
Oh, my
Oh, my
Sunset gleaming
Hey
Hey, people
Can you dig what I say?
Our land
Our land
Hear what I say
Hear what I say
To the people
Of the land
Try my
Try my
Try my
Sunset, baby
The Kelly Gang had been
holding up banks
for as long as, well, for as
long as there'd been banks.
Historically, we were
the World's First Biker Gang.
What really set us apart
from all the other outlaws
was our philosophy.
We always gave everything
we stole to the poor.
My uncle Dan had been the
most notorious aboriginal outlaw
of all time,
until he retired to run the family pub.
My brother job was
the Gang's tax expert,
and the rest of the Gang
worked full-time
in the manufacture
and consumption of beer.
Come on, Ned.
You're be late for work.
Wild thing
You make my heart sing...
Yep.
Times has changed, all right.
The entire bank-robbing division
of the once world-famous Kelly Gang
had been reduced to just one man...
me.
Oh
Wild thing
You make my heart sing, yeah...
We lived in this wild pub.
It was so old that no one was sure
if it was actually built
or just somehow
grew out of the ground.
Over the years, it has become home
to every kind of wildlife
you can imagine.
Wild thing
Wild thing
Apart from my dog,
my bike was my best mate.
I personally built it
from the wheels up
out of scrap metal.
Sure, it had some
minor structural problems.
It wasn't exactly mechanically perfect,
but everyone respected it.
Especially Joe.
Morning, Dan.
Morning, Ned.
It is refueled.
Thanks, Joe.
You still haven't fixed
that leaking pump.
Have now.
Ooh!
See yourself.
Our pub was on the shore
of a national park,
hundreds of miles from anywhere.
I reckon it was as close to paradise
as you can get.
Riding to work that day,
nothing seemed different
from any other day.
At least that's what
I thought at the time.
Good morning.
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
It's a .44.
Check out the dickhead
talking to a machine.
That's no dickhead.
That's Ned Kelly.
Oh, yeah!
I don't think so.
Ouch. Computer malfunction.
Bingo.
This is the Kelly Gang...
And I'd like to make a deposit.
Deposit?
Yeah. Deposit this money
amongst the bank accounts of any
people who can't repay their loans.
And I want receipts,
and I want 'em now.
Oui. Oui.
I will get all the staff onto it.
All officers, take your positions.
It was then I heard something
you rarely hear in the
middle of a bank robbery...
Shakespeare.
"If music be the food of love,
play on. Give me excess of it."
"If music be the food of love..."
And who are you?
Robin Banks.
I was earlier. Now I'm depositin'.
This is my lunch break.
I love american accents.
Excuse me.
I like the way you talk.
In fact, I like everything
about America.
What you reading?
Shakespeare.
I hate flies.
Mr. Kelly, all the people's receipts.
Thanks, mate.
This time he's trapped.
Hey...
maybe I'll see you later.
I doubt it, cowboy.
Bye, Ned.
Wait for it.
What's the matter, boys?
Robbin' people with a six-gun
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I needed money 'cause
I had none
I fought the law, and the
Law won
I fought the law
And the law won
I left my baby, and I feel so bad
I guess my race is run
She's the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the--
I lost my girl, and I lost my fun
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
Hey, I fought the law,
and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
After him!
I fought the law, and the law won
I said I fought the law...
Of course,
I didn't know it at the time,
but I'd just triggered
off a chain of events
that was to threaten
the very existence
of the Kelly Gang.
"...cannot see the pretty fall
leaves that themselves commit,
or if they could,
Cupid himself would blush."
The outlaw
dropped this.
Take it to Sir John's office immediately.
Ned Kelly has robbed
yet another branch
of the International Trust Bank,
but this time his target
was head office.
The bank's largest foreign investors
have responded by
threatening to pack up
and go home.
However, locals are
reacting quite differently.
Ned Kelly's deadly. He's great.
He's wonderful.
He's fabulous.
He gives us the cash.
He's got a great bike.
Since Ned Kelly has
been depositing money
in our bank account,
I can afford more groceries.
Look.
Through the haphazard program
of redistributing money,
the Kelly Gang has effectively
lowered interest rates, cut inflation,
and raised the standard of living
for the average family.
Rotten bastards.
It's been Ned Kelly's complete
disregard for authority
that has captured
the Hearts of the People
and made him something
of a national hero.
Yes?
Sir John, one of our young tellers
has some information
regarding the robbery.
What is it?
Apparently this was
dropped during the holdup.
Oh, Sir John.
There's also a Major Wib
here to see you.
Yes. Come in.
Major Wib from Great Britain, sir.
Formerly of Her Majesty's
personal guards.
Five years Scotland Yard,
three years Royal British Commandos.
Served with distinction special
forces-- intelligence branch.
At your service,
Vis-a-vis the Kelly problem.
That's very impressive, Major.
Thank you, Sir John.
I had the pleasure of being
on duty at Buckingham Palace
the day you got your knighthood.
Oh, really?
Yes. Rah-rah poo-poo, sir.
It's about time we had a man
of your particular talents
working exclusively for us
in the field of corporate banking.
If you'll pardon the pun, sir,
I plan to make a killing.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Please, Major.
Now, what do you make of this?
It's a toweling mat,
commonly used on the top
of Australian hotel bars
for the absorption of beer spillage.
Looks like some sort of a rodent.
Is it a rat?
It's a kangaroo, sir.
The Glenrowan Hotel.
It's in a national park
called Reckless Island.
No wonder the police
can't track them down.
According to this, it's
a remote wilderness.
Kelly would know that island
like the back of his hand.
At the first sign of armed aggression,
he'd vanish into the bush
and pick us off like flies.
Yes, you're right.
Major, the one thing
you'll learn in business
is that almost anything
can be achieved
by having good political connections.
Miss Twisty, draft a confidential fax
to the department of national parks.
Tell them that the bank will be acting
as the Sole Agent for the
sale of Reckless Island.
Right away, Sir John.
You can't sell a national park.
Wib?
I'm going to turn Kelly's hideout
into a... japanese tourist resort.
Met down by the jetty landing
Where the...
The others rated standing
Like Scott of the Antarctic
Base camp too far away
She don't like
That kind of behaviour
She don't like
That kind of behavior...
For a Kelly, getting shot
was an occupational hazard.
But I guess over the years
we must have developed
some sort of natural tolerance.
Unfortunately, I still had to spend
a heck of a lot of time
digging out bullets.
Good morning, ma'am.
How may the bank help you?
I'm taking out a loan.
Oh, my God.
It's the Hollywood Outlaw!
Aah!
Don't kill me.
I've never killed anyone.
I only shoot guns
from the hands of those who would...
Prefer to see me dead.
Now, hand over the money.
I've got some shopping to do.
Freeze, lady!
Stay right where you are!
I regret the day
I let you put a video store here.
All you and that dog ever do
is watch that same dumb movie.
Hey! We were watching that.
I'm getting shot to pieces,
and for what?
We got the biggest turnover
of any bank robbers around
and we still can't afford
to fix the pub.
Using stolen money for our own benefit
would be against every principle
upon which the Kelly Gang
was founded.
Ohh...
Dan was right, of course.
The robbing from the rich
and giving to the poor
wasn't easy like in Robin Hood's day.
I could use help with the stamps.
I used to deposit so much money
in so many people's bank accounts,
we could spend all afternoon
mailing out receipts.
Oh, look.
I been shot in the lung again.
Of course, that was nothing
compared with my dad.
He was still listed
in the guinness book of world records
as the world's most
frequently shot human being.
You're very lucky.
You've got your father's
bulletproof constitution.
A little lower, I think, Uncle Dan.
That's it.
OK. Ready?
Yep.
Band-aids.
Ah, thanks.
Whew!
I gotta do something
about getting shot all the time.
And there it was--
a bulletproof garbage can.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Come on, Ned. It's happy hour.
Pass the beer.
Hurry up, Ned.
Banks close at 5:00, you know.
Morning, Dog.
Ready?
Corn flakes.
No, fella.
Corn...
flakes.
Corn flakes.
Come on.
Talk.
Keep practicing.
Heh.
Mr. Kelly.
- Yes! - Yes!
- Yes!
We're all Kellys, mate.
You have a letter.
A letter?
A letter?
"The International Trust Bank
"will be acting as Sole
Agent for the sale of...
Reckless Island."
- What?
- What?
According to this document,
our island is going to
be relocated to...
Tokyo Bay, Japan.
What?
I loathe this weather.
I loathe this country.
Quite right, Sir John.
Ah, for a cold, Foggy,
drizzly english morning, eh?
I reckon this flag needs
a slight modification.
What the hell's going on in here?
That's the British flag!
Take it back to Britain.
You're a larrikin, Kelly.
You have absolutely
no respect for authority.
You're not selling our island.
There's obviously an informer
working somewhere in the bank.
Hmm?
Well, they won't be
working here for long.
We've brought in
every birth certificate
of every Kelly who was
born on Reckless Island.
Yeah.
They go back quite a long way.
It proves that the Kellys
have lived there
in one form or another
for at least 40,000 years.
The first person
to land on the island
was an aborigine named Awaba Kelly.
This here's his birth certificate.
So what.
That makes Reckless Island
Kelly Tribal Land.
So us Kellys legally have
first right of purchase.
Fine, but... you'll have to match
the japanese offer of $1 million.
No problem.
Oh, really?
You'll never raise the cash.
Aren't you forgetting something, mate?
The Kelly Gang robs banks.
Yes, but the Kelly Gang
gives all its money to the poor.
Ahem.
We were in deep trouble, all right,
so we headed to the Brewery
to do some thinking.
It was there that I found out
this wasn't the first time
Reckless Island had been under threat.
Legend has it
that it's about an ancient battle
in which the first inhabitants
saved the island
from evil invaders.
No kidding.
It's all part of aboriginal mythology--
you know, Ned-- the dreaming.
I suppose it doesn't make any sense
in the modern world.
If we could make it make sense,
maybe everything that
doesn't make sense
would make sense, eh?
Ah, you do enough dreaming
for everyone around here.
Slept in again, eh?
Yes. He was up all night.
I think he was building something.
Wild thing
You make my heart sing
You make everything groovy
Oh, wild thing, yes
What are you doing with
that can on your head?
I'm going bank robbing.
You go robbing a bank in
that garbage can outfit.
You'll wreck the entire image
of the Kelly Gang.
What are you wearing it for?
So I don't get shot. Aah!
With a bulletproof armor suit,
I can rob a lot of bank real fast
and buy the island back.
Any money the Kelly Gang
gets in this country.
Belongs to the people of this country.
Why don't we rob banks
in another country?
I'm telling you, for an outlaw,
America is the land of opportunity.
Even a little kid knows
that in America
when people rob banks.
They get to keep all
the money themselves.
You've been looking
at too many movies.
Look, there's only one
way to save this island.
It's called Free Enterprise.
Suddenly, I was on
my way to the USA,
home of bank-robbing legends
like Jesse James, Bonnie and Clyde,
and the Hollywood Outlaw.
Uh...
What's the purpose of your
trip to the United States?
Business.
Hold your fire!
Your accountants had hidden talents.
So, what's this big discovery of yours?
Ned Kelly has left the gang
and gone to America.
Why would he go there?
Money.
Yes, of course.
He's out of steal the million dollars
to buy Reckless Island himself.
Now he's all alone
in a foreign country.
Think I'll pay him a visit.
Be careful! You mustn't
use a gun yourself.
We're an International Bank.
We can't afford to be
incriminated in America.
That's right.
I'm a bank executive now.
Does, uh...
that mean I get to fly
in the corporate jet?
"The lion, dying, thrusteth forth his paw
"and wounds the Earth,
"nothing else with rage
to be o'erpowered.
"And wilt thou, pupil-like,
take the correction?
"Mildly kiss the rod
"and fawn on rage with base humility,
which art alive..."
"in the king of beasts?"
"Good night, good night,
parting is such sweet Sorrow."
Sorrow.
Such sweet Sorrow.
"Parting is such sweet Sorrow.
Good night. Good night."
G'day.
What are you doing here?
I'm going to America.
What for?
Rob a few banks.
They say guys who carry guns
have a serious personality deficiency.
Huh?
It's a prop, a tool, a crutch.
If you know anything
about bank robbing,
you'd know you need a gun.
Lucky this seat was empty, eh?
What are you doing up here, anyway?
Actually, I got fired
for trying to save an island.
No kidding.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Someone from your bank
sent us a copy of a fax which--
It was you.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Nice pair of dolphins.
Hmm?
Uh, yeah. I think I'll go
back to my book now.
Look, I'm really sorry
you lost your job.
Well...
I wasn't cut out for banking anyway.
Maybe it was the best thing
that could have happened.
Hmm.
Looks like we're heading
to the same place.
Uh... no. No, um,
I'm changing planes in
LA, going on to England.
I'm auditioning for a new drama school
at Stratford-upon-avon.
Are you an actress?
Well... someday.
Got a boyfriend?
Um, over the past few years,
spending every night with
Shakespeare for me was Norm.
Norm who?
Get your motor runnin'
Get out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
In the town they call the big apple
Take the world in a love embrace...
Hey! Wrong way, buddy!
Watch out!
You're on the wrong
side of the road!
We were born, born to be wild
We hit town so hard...
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Hollywood.
There's a sign.
It is written.
Born to be wild
Born to be wild
We got you surrounded!
Aah!
Drop the money, lady!
I'll cover you. Get on.
I'm not getting on that thing.
It's filthy.
Hey. That money's not real.
And that bank's not real.
Hang on.
I know who you are.
You're the Hollywood Outlaw!
Cut it, Lyle.
Cut!
Sorry. We'll have to
go again, everybody.
Can I...
have your autograph?
Mr. Delance!
I'm sorry, Chuck.
I have no idea how this happened.
Wait a minute.
You're a bloke.
Get those camera ready?
Rocket-head here rides up
and says, "Get on the bike."
Well, I'm an actor,
and that's a stuntman's job.
Hey. We'll shoot it over.
You're looking great, Chuck.
I can't perform anymore.
I'm just too upset.
Oh, for crying out loud.
I don't care who your agent is.
I'll see that you never work
in this town again.
Who is this guy, anyway,
Tin Man from The Wizard of OZ?
The name's Kelly.
Ned Kelly.
I thought I must have
landed on another planet.
Banks weren't banks,
money wasn't money,
and my favorite actress
turned out to be a man.
To save Reckless Island,
I needed to find a real bank, and fast.
You're tormented by
the futility of life
But I can see the stars
From a million miles
Are you out there somewhere?
Hey, man, where'd you
get that pile of junk?
Check out the metal-head.
What are you, undercover cop?
Bank robber.
All right.
Ahem.
Good evening!
How may we help you... Masked Man?
Well, if you're the loan arranger,
just hand over a million bucks.
You're more than welcome
to what we've got.
We've got a weird one
holding up the Hollywood friendly bank.
Throw it up on the big screen.
That's him.
But be very careful, Lieutenant.
The most dangerous place on Earth
is between Ned Kelly
and a bag of money.
Would you like a line of credit?
A credit account?
Credit card?
Cash.
Please, fill out this application form.
What for?
We don't get much call for cash.
We have to order some.
Sure I can't fix you up with plastic?
Sam, your dinner's ready.
But, Mom, it's a total fiasco.
This is where he shoots the guns
out fo the actors' hands,
with real bullets, for God's sake.
Those cops are supposed to be winning.
Look at that jerk.
He's ruined the Climax.
He screwed up the movie.
I like him.
What?
He's a damn sight better.
Than those ham actors you hire.
Get a load of Chuck.
Mr. Delance!
Are you sure this gentleman
is doing an unrehearsed performance?
Absolutely.
He's an animal.
That's what I thought.
You better sign him up.
Sign him up?
Of course. What did
you say his name was?
Uh... Kelly. Fred Kelly.
No, no, no. Ned Kelly.
Kelly. One of the great
show business names.
Gene Kelly, Grace Kelly.
No kidding.
I'd better find this guy
before some other studio nabs him.
How'd the bank robbery go?
He signed you up for
a credit card, right?
Right.
Listen, man,
I'll give you some free advice.
Forget that bank-robbing gig.
The best way to get rich quick
is do what all the
smart people are doing.
You got to get yourself into...
the entertainment business!
Ned, baby!
In Hollywood, you'll steal the show
It's not what you do,
it's who you know
The girls, the bucks,
you'll have 'em all
When you're a star,
they'll return your call
If you can just handle the fame
Ned Kelly will be a household name
You'll be riding in your limo
You'll be flying in your jet
Your name up in lights,
your foot's in cement
Jeepers, it's the cops.
We'll trim your nose,
we'll lift your butt
If you turn to flab, we'll liposuck
Officers, ready to fire.
If you can just handle the fame
Ned Kelly
Will be a household
Son of a gun lovin', fun lovin'
Bike ridin'
Bike ridin'... heartbreaker
Big faker
Ned Kelly
Will be a household name
Nice jacket.
You're under arrest.
Hand over the guns, buddy,
or you'll be wearing metal
inside your head.
Hey, cop, America's a free country.
Every person has the
right to bear arms.
Yeah.
You're about to be shot dead
on Nationwide television.
No TV network would stoop so low.
Welcome to News Kill, live.
I'm here on Hollywood Boulevard,
where some wacko with
a trash can on his head
is about to be blasted to
pieces by the Hollywood police,
right before your very eyes.
OK, men, don't take any chances.
Put two bullets apiece in his head,
then we'll break for doughnuts.
Hey, what's the problem, Officer?
This guy's an
international bank robber.
He's not a bank robber.
He's an actor.
Huh?
An actor?
OK, boys, he's just an actor.
Let's go.
An actor?
That's right. And legally,
Hollywood police can't shoot actors.
If the police start shooting actors,
then the studios will close down.
If that happens,
there's no more movies.
With no more movies,
people have got nothing to believe in.
Everyone gets depressed,
no one goes to work,
and the economy collapses.
Yes, yes. That's very sad.
Now find me some people
who can shoot actors.
I had to admit
that as an international bank robber,
I'd been a failure.
The only way to save the island now
was to pretend I was an actor.
Ned,
delance pictures is
into action movies--
you know, macho heroes, sex, violence.
High turnover.
Big profits.
The quality of our movies is so high
that they bypass the
theaters completely
and go straight to video.
Wow!
Do you want to know the secret
to making big money in video rental?
The answer is one word--
guns.
You see, guns aren't just guns.
They're a...
Phallic symbol.
Yeah.
The bigger the gun,
the bigger the profit.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Let me tell you what you're thinking.
You're thinking, how will
I turn a nobody like you
into a big star?
Well, it's simple.
We're going to build you
the biggest goddamn
gun in Hollywood.
But, Sam, aren't you
forgetting something?
Over 60% of video renters are women.
Mom's right.
What the heck do the
women want to see?
Women want a love story.
A love story...
with a big gun.
Brilliant.
It's got everything.
Ned, to be a movie star here,
you have to talk like an american.
For a million bucks,
I'll talk like a martian.
A million bucks?
Hmm.
Tell you what I'll do.
When the movie's finished,
I'll pay you 1 million bucks.
You got a deal.
Mom, if we can just
find the right actress
to play opposite Ned...
then every lovesick couple,
every lonely guy and gal,
every family in America
will be saying, "Let's rent a video!"
It's going to be a great movie.
It's called...
The Christian Cowboy.
It's about a gunslinging stranger
who cleans up Las Vegas
and falls in love with a beautiful nun.
Look, I could be accepted
into the newest Shakespearean
drama school in England.
I won't throw that away
to be in some totally crass movie.
Bye. I got to run.
With your help, we can
buy Reckless Island
and save it from ecological disaster.
You mean...
if I do this movie with you,
it'll save your wilderness?
It's the only chance we've got.
Look,
the head of the studio told me
he's got the best writer in Hollywood
working on the script,
so it'll probably be like Shakespeare.
Christian Cowboy, take 1.
I want to thank my Jesus
for the way that I feel
I'm so full of religion
I just can't be still
I want to sing it and shout it
And let the people know
That I'm saved by his mercy
And I'm ready to go
That's why I'm happy
Yes, I'm happy
Happy on my way
Rejoicing and singing
His praises every dails
For Jesus is near me,
and there he will stay
That's why I'm happy
Yes, I'm happy, happy on my way
I repeat--
repent, sinners!
Jesus said...
gambling is Satan's tool.
Beware of the work of the devil,
or your souls will burn
in the fires of hell!
Hey!
Look, dudes! Ha ha ha!
It's the Christian Cowboy!
Hah!
The word of the lord
is the only way to your salvation.
Prayer time, sinners!
Aah!
- Ow!
- Aah!
Aah!
Uhh...
That's one way of doing it, I guess.
Oh, Reverend.
I thank the lord
you brought that... big gun to town.
Ma'am,
you're a fine-lookin' nun.
You better get thee to a nunnery.
Love this!
Cut it, Lyle.
Freeze, Mr. Kelly. Music down.
Turning off the blue screen.
Cut!
That's-- that's a wrap for day one.
Call tomorrow, 6am.
Fantastic.
Robin, you're a natural.
Ned, what's the scoop
with your ad lib line--
"Better get thee to a nunnery"?
It was Robin's idea.
Uh, it's hamlet's line to Ophelia.
It's classic Shakespeare.
Who the hell's Shakespeare?
He's only the greatest
english writer of all time.
Well, he'd better have
an american work permit.
I don't want union trouble.
He died 400 years ago.
I thought it sounded stale.
Let's stick to Bernie's script.
You're on another winner, Bernie.
Thanks.
I'm adding some extra violence.
If it's 400 years old,
that means legally all his
stuff is out of copyright.
What are you saying?
It's free.
Hey, Bernie,
on second thought,
there may be something
to this Shakespeare stuff.
Get some of his old scripts
and freshen them up.
Who are you?
Big Mac...
Beth.
To blow your head off
or...
not blow your head off--
that is the question.
That's the last of 'em.
How can the sisters of Las Vegas
ever repay you for cleanin' up
the rottenest town in the west?
Well, ma'am,
you could kick that habit
and marry me.
Ohh, yes!
Amen.
Cut!
Lost somethin'?
Yeah.
My driver.
Where you headin'?
To my hotel.
I'll give you a ride.
There you go.
Thanks, mister.
No worries.
Oh!
Climb on.
As love rides up
It's though a lone ranger
Changed you into somethin'
Rich and strange
Stranger than fiction
Truth or the dare
I say, when you come down
You say, come down from where?
Riding to the future
would be easy for you
To fall into your heart
would be easy to do
Love doesn't come as you like it
Love your rocket dreams
Repossess your soul...
Love doesn't come as you like it
Ain't no other Cupids
Arrow can't go through
No woman is an island
Not even you
Standin' here together...
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you. In makeup. Ciao.
Oh, wait.
Why don't I lend you this?
Thanks.
I got to go.
Bye.
Bye.
"All the world's a stage,
and all the men and
women merely players."
"They have their exits
and their entrances."
"And each person in time
plays many parts."
Wrap the set.
OK, wrap it, and thank you.
She'll sleep with anything.
She's sleeping with the director.
So am I.
What?
Hollywood.
What a place.
One day you're a bank robber,
the next day you're a movie star.
All I had to do was finish the movie,
and I'd have the money.
I knew everyone back home
had been countin' on me.
It was time to tell 'em the good news.
Lights, camera, action!
You're the star
of a happy Hollywood video letter.
Your 20 second starts... now.
Hi, Dan.
Hi, Joe.
Ooh.
Video letter.
What is it?
Hmm.
Hi, Dan. Hi, Joe.
It's Ned!
I think he's wearing makeup.
You don't reckon he's
turned kinky, do you?
Guess what.
I'm an actor.
Gee.
The time's nearly up.
Well...
I just wanted you blokes to know
that when I finish my movie,
I'll be gettin' 1 mi--
Get away. No photographs.
Shoo!
Come on, Ernie.
Let's get some autographs.
Any stars coming in this mornin'?
G'day, Ralph.
G'day, mate. Mr. Kelly.
Can I have your autograph?
Sure.
Please write, "To Hank."
I really admire what you do.
I could never be an actor.
I'd be too afraid.
Uh, make mine out, "To Ernie."
Ms. Banks,
will you be moving into a
secret Hollywood love nest,
and if so, with who?
Hey! There he is!
Where? Where?
Ned...
Do you like carrots?
Yeah.
Mr. Kelly, don't you feel
your gratuitous use of guns on screen
is helping to create a
more dangerous society?
From an intellectual basis--
Let me handle this.
Hey, smarty-pants, where you from?
New York.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Well, here in Hollywood,
it's personality questions only.
Mr. Kelly,
what color underpants do you wear?
Black.
Ooh!
Outrageous.
You better get into makeup.
I'd like to ask Mr. Kelly
another question.
Go take a meeting.
Hey, buddy, watch your language.
Why don't you keep in touch?
You keep in touch.
You keep in touch.
You keep in touch!
You keep in touch!
No!
You keep in touch!
I'm not gonna keep in touch,
'cause you can keep in touch!
I got Ned Kelly's autograph.
That wasn't Ned Kelly.
Who are you?
I'm the president of the Ned Kelly...
Fan Club.
And that wasn't him.
Who was it, then?
A thief.
He stole Ned Kelly's identity.
Well, he signed Ned Kelly's name.
Yeah. He wrote mine, too.
Look. "To Ernie."
If he wrote your name,
then he's stolen your identity, too.
What do you mean?
When your identity's been stolen,
you're no longer yourself.
You've got no personality.
You're nobody.
I want my identity back.
Automatic.
Silencer.
Semiautomatic.
Price check.
Man targets.
Regular size.
You have no choice.
He's stolen your identity, aren't he?
Maybe. I--
I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Man target's on special-- 9.05!
That's the way they operate.
We believe he's an alien,
possibly from another planet.
It's time to make our move.
Wib, are you prepared?
Absolutely, Sir John.
My people here are fully trained.
All we need to do now
is get our friend in a public place alone.
Ned, the eyelashes
are a big improvement.
You're looking great.
By the way,
the women want to see
you wearing a mustache.
Don't shoot, mister.
It's only popcorn.
Sorry. I thought you
were going to shoot us.
Ned Kelly, one of these days
you're going to kill
somebody with this thing!
Guns don't solve problems,
they create them.
You don't need a gun.
You're addicted.
You're a gun addict.
I'm not addicted.
I haven't fired a shot all day.
I can give these things
up anytime I want.
Anytime at all.
Feels good.
Ah.
Overstretched and undercapitalized.
Good.
Miss Twisty,
let's send a fax.
A fax?
This fax just came through.
I'm so sorry.
I can't pay you your money.
They've frozen our accounts.
They've foreclosed on all his loans.
They're going to sell us off.
Who's done this?
Our bank, of course.
Bank?
Which bank?
- Aah!
- Aah!
Come on, let's try again.
This is hopeless.
It's solid steel.
Hello?
Hello?
Dog, how are you?
It's Ned.
Slow down.
What are you doing?
Talking to my dog.
Now, listen. Listen to me carefully.
Where is Dan?
Good dog.
Is the dog talking back?
Sort of.
Stop kidding around, Dog.
Where's Dan?
Dog?
Dog?
Hello?
Dog?
Ned, there's a call for you.
Hello?
Just letting you know that
if you're planning a trip home,
you'll need a Japanese Visa
because I'm exporting Reckless Island
tomorrow.
What's wrong?
A bunch of blokes in gray
suits are talking my home.
Organized crime.
It's worse than that.
They're corporate bankers.
Here's your money, Ned.
Holy cow.
Mom's been laundering
the company's money.
I knew that sooner or later,
borrowing all that money
would catch up with you,
so I have been putting aside
a little something each week.
If you guys are broke,
I couldn't take that money.
You must save your wilderness.
Ned, it's yours. You earned it.
Besides, we need much
more than $1 million
to save the studio.
The only way we can stay
in show business now
is to beat that bank.
And no one has ever beaten a bank.
Well, there was a first
time for everything.
That bank was stealing my home.
They'd hurt my friends
and beaten up my dog.
Enough was enough.
You're not coming. It's too dangerous.
Mr. Kelly,
the flight to Australia
is boarding immediately.
Better hurry.
So don't bother arguing anymore.
I'm not arguing anymore.
Will you give me a ticket, please?
You two are traveling together?
- No.
- Yes.
How nice.
Try it again.
Come on. Come on.
There.
All right.
OK, you're all clear.
Thank you.
Have a nice flight.
All right, next, please.
Oh, look,
your fans came to say goodbye.
Hi.
Kelly!
Bon voyage.
Fare time, alien.
I'd like to feel my
finger on your trigger
Oh, yes
I know that nobody
can do to your heart
Oh, yes
Happiness is a warm gun,
yes, it is
Happiness is a warm gun,
yes, it is
It's done.
Two bullets point-blank range.
I'm on my way back.
Good.
That's the last we'll see of Ned Kelly.
Hey, look!
The bullets have hit the cross!
Amen.
My plan was simple.
Give the bank the money
and kick them off the island.
Anyway, I figured Sir John
had to be bluffing.
You can't export an island.
It's impossible.
Charges have been laid
under the ocean and across the spit.
The explosions will fracture
the rock strata beneath the surface,
breaking the island off
from the mainland.
Then an ocean-going tugboat
will simply tow it to Japan.
Won't the island just sink?
Not with the latest Japanese technology.
They've fitted the island
with a series of subsurface stabilizers
to provide it with flotation
during the voyage.
Well, it's really creating
an offshore asset!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Gentlemen, up until now,
the best undeveloped real estate
has been located in the
most remote places on Earth.
Our bank is about to prove
that cheap wilderness can be exported
to the world's most wealthy
industrialized countries.
Aah!
There's heavily armed bankers out
there, and you've given up guns.
What can you do by yourself?
Trust me.
Ned, I might not ever see you again,
so whatever happens, I...
Robin, I know what I'm doing.
Now what?
Yes, the island is yours.
Sayonara!
We're moving!
You've all done an excellent job.
I'd like you to stay on board the island
until it's safety reached
international waters.
Fly me back to the bank.
I'll refuel the helicopter, sir.
It's Ned Kelly!
The island stopped moving!
Aah!
Shoot them both.
Fire!
Inside! Quick!
Ohh!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aah!
He's ricocheting bullets
with that rubbish bin suit.
Put down your guns
before you kill yourselves.
Ow!
Ned.
The pub's on fire.
Ned's out there, and he's in trouble.
I can feel it.
Wake up, Dan.
You're daydreaming.
You're daydreaming.
You're daydreaming...
Yeah.
Day... dreaming.
Aah!
1...
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aim for his head!
Don't go out. It's suicide.
We can't stay here either.
Let's take all the beer we can carry
and get out the back way.
You're not deserting Ned, are you?
Aim for his legs!
Legs?
We'll finish him off.
Hold fire!
We'll move in and shoot him in the head.
Now!
- Aah!
- Aah!
I quit!
I resign.
My head hurts.
Here's your money.
Now get off our island.
Welcome home.
Aah!
Ha ha!
You business people
don't know when to stop.
Remove your helmet.
Unless you have friends
in Heaven, Kelly,
you're out of luck.
Such is life.
Amen.
It looks like you broke
your dad's record
for getting shot.
Congratulations! Ha ha!
Guns?
Looks like the Kelly
Gang's back in business.
Yeah...
show business.
Oh, faith
You've got to have faith
Oh, faith
You've got to have faith
When you think about it,
what possible reason is there
for a grown man to need a gun?
Captioned by Grantman Brown
Falling from the sky
Look at the sunset
Takes my mind
Back
To my homeland
Far away
It's the story
It's the story
Runnin' in my mind
It's so clear
It's so clear
I remember
I remember
Oh, my
Oh, my
Oh, my
Oh, my
Sunset gleaming
Hey
Hey, people
Can you dig what I say?
Our land
Our land
Hear what I say
Hear what I say
To the people
Of the land
Try my
Try my
Try my
Sunset, baby
The Kelly Gang had been
holding up banks
for as long as, well, for as
long as there'd been banks.
Historically, we were
the World's First Biker Gang.
What really set us apart
from all the other outlaws
was our philosophy.
We always gave everything
we stole to the poor.
My uncle Dan had been the
most notorious aboriginal outlaw
of all time,
until he retired to run the family pub.
My brother job was
the Gang's tax expert,
and the rest of the Gang
worked full-time
in the manufacture
and consumption of beer.
Come on, Ned.
You're be late for work.
Wild thing
You make my heart sing...
Yep.
Times has changed, all right.
The entire bank-robbing division
of the once world-famous Kelly Gang
had been reduced to just one man...
me.
Oh
Wild thing
You make my heart sing, yeah...
We lived in this wild pub.
It was so old that no one was sure
if it was actually built
or just somehow
grew out of the ground.
Over the years, it has become home
to every kind of wildlife
you can imagine.
Wild thing
Wild thing
Apart from my dog,
my bike was my best mate.
I personally built it
from the wheels up
out of scrap metal.
Sure, it had some
minor structural problems.
It wasn't exactly mechanically perfect,
but everyone respected it.
Especially Joe.
Morning, Dan.
Morning, Ned.
It is refueled.
Thanks, Joe.
You still haven't fixed
that leaking pump.
Have now.
Ooh!
See yourself.
Our pub was on the shore
of a national park,
hundreds of miles from anywhere.
I reckon it was as close to paradise
as you can get.
Riding to work that day,
nothing seemed different
from any other day.
At least that's what
I thought at the time.
Good morning.
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
It's a .44.
Check out the dickhead
talking to a machine.
That's no dickhead.
That's Ned Kelly.
Oh, yeah!
I don't think so.
Ouch. Computer malfunction.
Bingo.
This is the Kelly Gang...
And I'd like to make a deposit.
Deposit?
Yeah. Deposit this money
amongst the bank accounts of any
people who can't repay their loans.
And I want receipts,
and I want 'em now.
Oui. Oui.
I will get all the staff onto it.
All officers, take your positions.
It was then I heard something
you rarely hear in the
middle of a bank robbery...
Shakespeare.
"If music be the food of love,
play on. Give me excess of it."
"If music be the food of love..."
And who are you?
Robin Banks.
I was earlier. Now I'm depositin'.
This is my lunch break.
I love american accents.
Excuse me.
I like the way you talk.
In fact, I like everything
about America.
What you reading?
Shakespeare.
I hate flies.
Mr. Kelly, all the people's receipts.
Thanks, mate.
This time he's trapped.
Hey...
maybe I'll see you later.
I doubt it, cowboy.
Bye, Ned.
Wait for it.
What's the matter, boys?
Robbin' people with a six-gun
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I needed money 'cause
I had none
I fought the law, and the
Law won
I fought the law
And the law won
I left my baby, and I feel so bad
I guess my race is run
She's the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the--
I lost my girl, and I lost my fun
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
Hey, I fought the law,
and the law won
I fought the law, and the law won
After him!
I fought the law, and the law won
I said I fought the law...
Of course,
I didn't know it at the time,
but I'd just triggered
off a chain of events
that was to threaten
the very existence
of the Kelly Gang.
"...cannot see the pretty fall
leaves that themselves commit,
or if they could,
Cupid himself would blush."
The outlaw
dropped this.
Take it to Sir John's office immediately.
Ned Kelly has robbed
yet another branch
of the International Trust Bank,
but this time his target
was head office.
The bank's largest foreign investors
have responded by
threatening to pack up
and go home.
However, locals are
reacting quite differently.
Ned Kelly's deadly. He's great.
He's wonderful.
He's fabulous.
He gives us the cash.
He's got a great bike.
Since Ned Kelly has
been depositing money
in our bank account,
I can afford more groceries.
Look.
Through the haphazard program
of redistributing money,
the Kelly Gang has effectively
lowered interest rates, cut inflation,
and raised the standard of living
for the average family.
Rotten bastards.
It's been Ned Kelly's complete
disregard for authority
that has captured
the Hearts of the People
and made him something
of a national hero.
Yes?
Sir John, one of our young tellers
has some information
regarding the robbery.
What is it?
Apparently this was
dropped during the holdup.
Oh, Sir John.
There's also a Major Wib
here to see you.
Yes. Come in.
Major Wib from Great Britain, sir.
Formerly of Her Majesty's
personal guards.
Five years Scotland Yard,
three years Royal British Commandos.
Served with distinction special
forces-- intelligence branch.
At your service,
Vis-a-vis the Kelly problem.
That's very impressive, Major.
Thank you, Sir John.
I had the pleasure of being
on duty at Buckingham Palace
the day you got your knighthood.
Oh, really?
Yes. Rah-rah poo-poo, sir.
It's about time we had a man
of your particular talents
working exclusively for us
in the field of corporate banking.
If you'll pardon the pun, sir,
I plan to make a killing.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Please, Major.
Now, what do you make of this?
It's a toweling mat,
commonly used on the top
of Australian hotel bars
for the absorption of beer spillage.
Looks like some sort of a rodent.
Is it a rat?
It's a kangaroo, sir.
The Glenrowan Hotel.
It's in a national park
called Reckless Island.
No wonder the police
can't track them down.
According to this, it's
a remote wilderness.
Kelly would know that island
like the back of his hand.
At the first sign of armed aggression,
he'd vanish into the bush
and pick us off like flies.
Yes, you're right.
Major, the one thing
you'll learn in business
is that almost anything
can be achieved
by having good political connections.
Miss Twisty, draft a confidential fax
to the department of national parks.
Tell them that the bank will be acting
as the Sole Agent for the
sale of Reckless Island.
Right away, Sir John.
You can't sell a national park.
Wib?
I'm going to turn Kelly's hideout
into a... japanese tourist resort.
Met down by the jetty landing
Where the...
The others rated standing
Like Scott of the Antarctic
Base camp too far away
She don't like
That kind of behaviour
She don't like
That kind of behavior...
For a Kelly, getting shot
was an occupational hazard.
But I guess over the years
we must have developed
some sort of natural tolerance.
Unfortunately, I still had to spend
a heck of a lot of time
digging out bullets.
Good morning, ma'am.
How may the bank help you?
I'm taking out a loan.
Oh, my God.
It's the Hollywood Outlaw!
Aah!
Don't kill me.
I've never killed anyone.
I only shoot guns
from the hands of those who would...
Prefer to see me dead.
Now, hand over the money.
I've got some shopping to do.
Freeze, lady!
Stay right where you are!
I regret the day
I let you put a video store here.
All you and that dog ever do
is watch that same dumb movie.
Hey! We were watching that.
I'm getting shot to pieces,
and for what?
We got the biggest turnover
of any bank robbers around
and we still can't afford
to fix the pub.
Using stolen money for our own benefit
would be against every principle
upon which the Kelly Gang
was founded.
Ohh...
Dan was right, of course.
The robbing from the rich
and giving to the poor
wasn't easy like in Robin Hood's day.
I could use help with the stamps.
I used to deposit so much money
in so many people's bank accounts,
we could spend all afternoon
mailing out receipts.
Oh, look.
I been shot in the lung again.
Of course, that was nothing
compared with my dad.
He was still listed
in the guinness book of world records
as the world's most
frequently shot human being.
You're very lucky.
You've got your father's
bulletproof constitution.
A little lower, I think, Uncle Dan.
That's it.
OK. Ready?
Yep.
Band-aids.
Ah, thanks.
Whew!
I gotta do something
about getting shot all the time.
And there it was--
a bulletproof garbage can.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Come on, Ned. It's happy hour.
Pass the beer.
Hurry up, Ned.
Banks close at 5:00, you know.
Morning, Dog.
Ready?
Corn flakes.
No, fella.
Corn...
flakes.
Corn flakes.
Come on.
Talk.
Keep practicing.
Heh.
Mr. Kelly.
- Yes! - Yes!
- Yes!
We're all Kellys, mate.
You have a letter.
A letter?
A letter?
"The International Trust Bank
"will be acting as Sole
Agent for the sale of...
Reckless Island."
- What?
- What?
According to this document,
our island is going to
be relocated to...
Tokyo Bay, Japan.
What?
I loathe this weather.
I loathe this country.
Quite right, Sir John.
Ah, for a cold, Foggy,
drizzly english morning, eh?
I reckon this flag needs
a slight modification.
What the hell's going on in here?
That's the British flag!
Take it back to Britain.
You're a larrikin, Kelly.
You have absolutely
no respect for authority.
You're not selling our island.
There's obviously an informer
working somewhere in the bank.
Hmm?
Well, they won't be
working here for long.
We've brought in
every birth certificate
of every Kelly who was
born on Reckless Island.
Yeah.
They go back quite a long way.
It proves that the Kellys
have lived there
in one form or another
for at least 40,000 years.
The first person
to land on the island
was an aborigine named Awaba Kelly.
This here's his birth certificate.
So what.
That makes Reckless Island
Kelly Tribal Land.
So us Kellys legally have
first right of purchase.
Fine, but... you'll have to match
the japanese offer of $1 million.
No problem.
Oh, really?
You'll never raise the cash.
Aren't you forgetting something, mate?
The Kelly Gang robs banks.
Yes, but the Kelly Gang
gives all its money to the poor.
Ahem.
We were in deep trouble, all right,
so we headed to the Brewery
to do some thinking.
It was there that I found out
this wasn't the first time
Reckless Island had been under threat.
Legend has it
that it's about an ancient battle
in which the first inhabitants
saved the island
from evil invaders.
No kidding.
It's all part of aboriginal mythology--
you know, Ned-- the dreaming.
I suppose it doesn't make any sense
in the modern world.
If we could make it make sense,
maybe everything that
doesn't make sense
would make sense, eh?
Ah, you do enough dreaming
for everyone around here.
Slept in again, eh?
Yes. He was up all night.
I think he was building something.
Wild thing
You make my heart sing
You make everything groovy
Oh, wild thing, yes
What are you doing with
that can on your head?
I'm going bank robbing.
You go robbing a bank in
that garbage can outfit.
You'll wreck the entire image
of the Kelly Gang.
What are you wearing it for?
So I don't get shot. Aah!
With a bulletproof armor suit,
I can rob a lot of bank real fast
and buy the island back.
Any money the Kelly Gang
gets in this country.
Belongs to the people of this country.
Why don't we rob banks
in another country?
I'm telling you, for an outlaw,
America is the land of opportunity.
Even a little kid knows
that in America
when people rob banks.
They get to keep all
the money themselves.
You've been looking
at too many movies.
Look, there's only one
way to save this island.
It's called Free Enterprise.
Suddenly, I was on
my way to the USA,
home of bank-robbing legends
like Jesse James, Bonnie and Clyde,
and the Hollywood Outlaw.
Uh...
What's the purpose of your
trip to the United States?
Business.
Hold your fire!
Your accountants had hidden talents.
So, what's this big discovery of yours?
Ned Kelly has left the gang
and gone to America.
Why would he go there?
Money.
Yes, of course.
He's out of steal the million dollars
to buy Reckless Island himself.
Now he's all alone
in a foreign country.
Think I'll pay him a visit.
Be careful! You mustn't
use a gun yourself.
We're an International Bank.
We can't afford to be
incriminated in America.
That's right.
I'm a bank executive now.
Does, uh...
that mean I get to fly
in the corporate jet?
"The lion, dying, thrusteth forth his paw
"and wounds the Earth,
"nothing else with rage
to be o'erpowered.
"And wilt thou, pupil-like,
take the correction?
"Mildly kiss the rod
"and fawn on rage with base humility,
which art alive..."
"in the king of beasts?"
"Good night, good night,
parting is such sweet Sorrow."
Sorrow.
Such sweet Sorrow.
"Parting is such sweet Sorrow.
Good night. Good night."
G'day.
What are you doing here?
I'm going to America.
What for?
Rob a few banks.
They say guys who carry guns
have a serious personality deficiency.
Huh?
It's a prop, a tool, a crutch.
If you know anything
about bank robbing,
you'd know you need a gun.
Lucky this seat was empty, eh?
What are you doing up here, anyway?
Actually, I got fired
for trying to save an island.
No kidding.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Someone from your bank
sent us a copy of a fax which--
It was you.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Nice pair of dolphins.
Hmm?
Uh, yeah. I think I'll go
back to my book now.
Look, I'm really sorry
you lost your job.
Well...
I wasn't cut out for banking anyway.
Maybe it was the best thing
that could have happened.
Hmm.
Looks like we're heading
to the same place.
Uh... no. No, um,
I'm changing planes in
LA, going on to England.
I'm auditioning for a new drama school
at Stratford-upon-avon.
Are you an actress?
Well... someday.
Got a boyfriend?
Um, over the past few years,
spending every night with
Shakespeare for me was Norm.
Norm who?
Get your motor runnin'
Get out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
In the town they call the big apple
Take the world in a love embrace...
Hey! Wrong way, buddy!
Watch out!
You're on the wrong
side of the road!
We were born, born to be wild
We hit town so hard...
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Hollywood.
There's a sign.
It is written.
Born to be wild
Born to be wild
We got you surrounded!
Aah!
Drop the money, lady!
I'll cover you. Get on.
I'm not getting on that thing.
It's filthy.
Hey. That money's not real.
And that bank's not real.
Hang on.
I know who you are.
You're the Hollywood Outlaw!
Cut it, Lyle.
Cut!
Sorry. We'll have to
go again, everybody.
Can I...
have your autograph?
Mr. Delance!
I'm sorry, Chuck.
I have no idea how this happened.
Wait a minute.
You're a bloke.
Get those camera ready?
Rocket-head here rides up
and says, "Get on the bike."
Well, I'm an actor,
and that's a stuntman's job.
Hey. We'll shoot it over.
You're looking great, Chuck.
I can't perform anymore.
I'm just too upset.
Oh, for crying out loud.
I don't care who your agent is.
I'll see that you never work
in this town again.
Who is this guy, anyway,
Tin Man from The Wizard of OZ?
The name's Kelly.
Ned Kelly.
I thought I must have
landed on another planet.
Banks weren't banks,
money wasn't money,
and my favorite actress
turned out to be a man.
To save Reckless Island,
I needed to find a real bank, and fast.
You're tormented by
the futility of life
But I can see the stars
From a million miles
Are you out there somewhere?
Hey, man, where'd you
get that pile of junk?
Check out the metal-head.
What are you, undercover cop?
Bank robber.
All right.
Ahem.
Good evening!
How may we help you... Masked Man?
Well, if you're the loan arranger,
just hand over a million bucks.
You're more than welcome
to what we've got.
We've got a weird one
holding up the Hollywood friendly bank.
Throw it up on the big screen.
That's him.
But be very careful, Lieutenant.
The most dangerous place on Earth
is between Ned Kelly
and a bag of money.
Would you like a line of credit?
A credit account?
Credit card?
Cash.
Please, fill out this application form.
What for?
We don't get much call for cash.
We have to order some.
Sure I can't fix you up with plastic?
Sam, your dinner's ready.
But, Mom, it's a total fiasco.
This is where he shoots the guns
out fo the actors' hands,
with real bullets, for God's sake.
Those cops are supposed to be winning.
Look at that jerk.
He's ruined the Climax.
He screwed up the movie.
I like him.
What?
He's a damn sight better.
Than those ham actors you hire.
Get a load of Chuck.
Mr. Delance!
Are you sure this gentleman
is doing an unrehearsed performance?
Absolutely.
He's an animal.
That's what I thought.
You better sign him up.
Sign him up?
Of course. What did
you say his name was?
Uh... Kelly. Fred Kelly.
No, no, no. Ned Kelly.
Kelly. One of the great
show business names.
Gene Kelly, Grace Kelly.
No kidding.
I'd better find this guy
before some other studio nabs him.
How'd the bank robbery go?
He signed you up for
a credit card, right?
Right.
Listen, man,
I'll give you some free advice.
Forget that bank-robbing gig.
The best way to get rich quick
is do what all the
smart people are doing.
You got to get yourself into...
the entertainment business!
Ned, baby!
In Hollywood, you'll steal the show
It's not what you do,
it's who you know
The girls, the bucks,
you'll have 'em all
When you're a star,
they'll return your call
If you can just handle the fame
Ned Kelly will be a household name
You'll be riding in your limo
You'll be flying in your jet
Your name up in lights,
your foot's in cement
Jeepers, it's the cops.
We'll trim your nose,
we'll lift your butt
If you turn to flab, we'll liposuck
Officers, ready to fire.
If you can just handle the fame
Ned Kelly
Will be a household
Son of a gun lovin', fun lovin'
Bike ridin'
Bike ridin'... heartbreaker
Big faker
Ned Kelly
Will be a household name
Nice jacket.
You're under arrest.
Hand over the guns, buddy,
or you'll be wearing metal
inside your head.
Hey, cop, America's a free country.
Every person has the
right to bear arms.
Yeah.
You're about to be shot dead
on Nationwide television.
No TV network would stoop so low.
Welcome to News Kill, live.
I'm here on Hollywood Boulevard,
where some wacko with
a trash can on his head
is about to be blasted to
pieces by the Hollywood police,
right before your very eyes.
OK, men, don't take any chances.
Put two bullets apiece in his head,
then we'll break for doughnuts.
Hey, what's the problem, Officer?
This guy's an
international bank robber.
He's not a bank robber.
He's an actor.
Huh?
An actor?
OK, boys, he's just an actor.
Let's go.
An actor?
That's right. And legally,
Hollywood police can't shoot actors.
If the police start shooting actors,
then the studios will close down.
If that happens,
there's no more movies.
With no more movies,
people have got nothing to believe in.
Everyone gets depressed,
no one goes to work,
and the economy collapses.
Yes, yes. That's very sad.
Now find me some people
who can shoot actors.
I had to admit
that as an international bank robber,
I'd been a failure.
The only way to save the island now
was to pretend I was an actor.
Ned,
delance pictures is
into action movies--
you know, macho heroes, sex, violence.
High turnover.
Big profits.
The quality of our movies is so high
that they bypass the
theaters completely
and go straight to video.
Wow!
Do you want to know the secret
to making big money in video rental?
The answer is one word--
guns.
You see, guns aren't just guns.
They're a...
Phallic symbol.
Yeah.
The bigger the gun,
the bigger the profit.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Let me tell you what you're thinking.
You're thinking, how will
I turn a nobody like you
into a big star?
Well, it's simple.
We're going to build you
the biggest goddamn
gun in Hollywood.
But, Sam, aren't you
forgetting something?
Over 60% of video renters are women.
Mom's right.
What the heck do the
women want to see?
Women want a love story.
A love story...
with a big gun.
Brilliant.
It's got everything.
Ned, to be a movie star here,
you have to talk like an american.
For a million bucks,
I'll talk like a martian.
A million bucks?
Hmm.
Tell you what I'll do.
When the movie's finished,
I'll pay you 1 million bucks.
You got a deal.
Mom, if we can just
find the right actress
to play opposite Ned...
then every lovesick couple,
every lonely guy and gal,
every family in America
will be saying, "Let's rent a video!"
It's going to be a great movie.
It's called...
The Christian Cowboy.
It's about a gunslinging stranger
who cleans up Las Vegas
and falls in love with a beautiful nun.
Look, I could be accepted
into the newest Shakespearean
drama school in England.
I won't throw that away
to be in some totally crass movie.
Bye. I got to run.
With your help, we can
buy Reckless Island
and save it from ecological disaster.
You mean...
if I do this movie with you,
it'll save your wilderness?
It's the only chance we've got.
Look,
the head of the studio told me
he's got the best writer in Hollywood
working on the script,
so it'll probably be like Shakespeare.
Christian Cowboy, take 1.
I want to thank my Jesus
for the way that I feel
I'm so full of religion
I just can't be still
I want to sing it and shout it
And let the people know
That I'm saved by his mercy
And I'm ready to go
That's why I'm happy
Yes, I'm happy
Happy on my way
Rejoicing and singing
His praises every dails
For Jesus is near me,
and there he will stay
That's why I'm happy
Yes, I'm happy, happy on my way
I repeat--
repent, sinners!
Jesus said...
gambling is Satan's tool.
Beware of the work of the devil,
or your souls will burn
in the fires of hell!
Hey!
Look, dudes! Ha ha ha!
It's the Christian Cowboy!
Hah!
The word of the lord
is the only way to your salvation.
Prayer time, sinners!
Aah!
- Ow!
- Aah!
Aah!
Uhh...
That's one way of doing it, I guess.
Oh, Reverend.
I thank the lord
you brought that... big gun to town.
Ma'am,
you're a fine-lookin' nun.
You better get thee to a nunnery.
Love this!
Cut it, Lyle.
Freeze, Mr. Kelly. Music down.
Turning off the blue screen.
Cut!
That's-- that's a wrap for day one.
Call tomorrow, 6am.
Fantastic.
Robin, you're a natural.
Ned, what's the scoop
with your ad lib line--
"Better get thee to a nunnery"?
It was Robin's idea.
Uh, it's hamlet's line to Ophelia.
It's classic Shakespeare.
Who the hell's Shakespeare?
He's only the greatest
english writer of all time.
Well, he'd better have
an american work permit.
I don't want union trouble.
He died 400 years ago.
I thought it sounded stale.
Let's stick to Bernie's script.
You're on another winner, Bernie.
Thanks.
I'm adding some extra violence.
If it's 400 years old,
that means legally all his
stuff is out of copyright.
What are you saying?
It's free.
Hey, Bernie,
on second thought,
there may be something
to this Shakespeare stuff.
Get some of his old scripts
and freshen them up.
Who are you?
Big Mac...
Beth.
To blow your head off
or...
not blow your head off--
that is the question.
That's the last of 'em.
How can the sisters of Las Vegas
ever repay you for cleanin' up
the rottenest town in the west?
Well, ma'am,
you could kick that habit
and marry me.
Ohh, yes!
Amen.
Cut!
Lost somethin'?
Yeah.
My driver.
Where you headin'?
To my hotel.
I'll give you a ride.
There you go.
Thanks, mister.
No worries.
Oh!
Climb on.
As love rides up
It's though a lone ranger
Changed you into somethin'
Rich and strange
Stranger than fiction
Truth or the dare
I say, when you come down
You say, come down from where?
Riding to the future
would be easy for you
To fall into your heart
would be easy to do
Love doesn't come as you like it
Love your rocket dreams
Repossess your soul...
Love doesn't come as you like it
Ain't no other Cupids
Arrow can't go through
No woman is an island
Not even you
Standin' here together...
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you. In makeup. Ciao.
Oh, wait.
Why don't I lend you this?
Thanks.
I got to go.
Bye.
Bye.
"All the world's a stage,
and all the men and
women merely players."
"They have their exits
and their entrances."
"And each person in time
plays many parts."
Wrap the set.
OK, wrap it, and thank you.
She'll sleep with anything.
She's sleeping with the director.
So am I.
What?
Hollywood.
What a place.
One day you're a bank robber,
the next day you're a movie star.
All I had to do was finish the movie,
and I'd have the money.
I knew everyone back home
had been countin' on me.
It was time to tell 'em the good news.
Lights, camera, action!
You're the star
of a happy Hollywood video letter.
Your 20 second starts... now.
Hi, Dan.
Hi, Joe.
Ooh.
Video letter.
What is it?
Hmm.
Hi, Dan. Hi, Joe.
It's Ned!
I think he's wearing makeup.
You don't reckon he's
turned kinky, do you?
Guess what.
I'm an actor.
Gee.
The time's nearly up.
Well...
I just wanted you blokes to know
that when I finish my movie,
I'll be gettin' 1 mi--
Get away. No photographs.
Shoo!
Come on, Ernie.
Let's get some autographs.
Any stars coming in this mornin'?
G'day, Ralph.
G'day, mate. Mr. Kelly.
Can I have your autograph?
Sure.
Please write, "To Hank."
I really admire what you do.
I could never be an actor.
I'd be too afraid.
Uh, make mine out, "To Ernie."
Ms. Banks,
will you be moving into a
secret Hollywood love nest,
and if so, with who?
Hey! There he is!
Where? Where?
Ned...
Do you like carrots?
Yeah.
Mr. Kelly, don't you feel
your gratuitous use of guns on screen
is helping to create a
more dangerous society?
From an intellectual basis--
Let me handle this.
Hey, smarty-pants, where you from?
New York.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Well, here in Hollywood,
it's personality questions only.
Mr. Kelly,
what color underpants do you wear?
Black.
Ooh!
Outrageous.
You better get into makeup.
I'd like to ask Mr. Kelly
another question.
Go take a meeting.
Hey, buddy, watch your language.
Why don't you keep in touch?
You keep in touch.
You keep in touch.
You keep in touch!
You keep in touch!
No!
You keep in touch!
I'm not gonna keep in touch,
'cause you can keep in touch!
I got Ned Kelly's autograph.
That wasn't Ned Kelly.
Who are you?
I'm the president of the Ned Kelly...
Fan Club.
And that wasn't him.
Who was it, then?
A thief.
He stole Ned Kelly's identity.
Well, he signed Ned Kelly's name.
Yeah. He wrote mine, too.
Look. "To Ernie."
If he wrote your name,
then he's stolen your identity, too.
What do you mean?
When your identity's been stolen,
you're no longer yourself.
You've got no personality.
You're nobody.
I want my identity back.
Automatic.
Silencer.
Semiautomatic.
Price check.
Man targets.
Regular size.
You have no choice.
He's stolen your identity, aren't he?
Maybe. I--
I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Man target's on special-- 9.05!
That's the way they operate.
We believe he's an alien,
possibly from another planet.
It's time to make our move.
Wib, are you prepared?
Absolutely, Sir John.
My people here are fully trained.
All we need to do now
is get our friend in a public place alone.
Ned, the eyelashes
are a big improvement.
You're looking great.
By the way,
the women want to see
you wearing a mustache.
Don't shoot, mister.
It's only popcorn.
Sorry. I thought you
were going to shoot us.
Ned Kelly, one of these days
you're going to kill
somebody with this thing!
Guns don't solve problems,
they create them.
You don't need a gun.
You're addicted.
You're a gun addict.
I'm not addicted.
I haven't fired a shot all day.
I can give these things
up anytime I want.
Anytime at all.
Feels good.
Ah.
Overstretched and undercapitalized.
Good.
Miss Twisty,
let's send a fax.
A fax?
This fax just came through.
I'm so sorry.
I can't pay you your money.
They've frozen our accounts.
They've foreclosed on all his loans.
They're going to sell us off.
Who's done this?
Our bank, of course.
Bank?
Which bank?
- Aah!
- Aah!
Come on, let's try again.
This is hopeless.
It's solid steel.
Hello?
Hello?
Dog, how are you?
It's Ned.
Slow down.
What are you doing?
Talking to my dog.
Now, listen. Listen to me carefully.
Where is Dan?
Good dog.
Is the dog talking back?
Sort of.
Stop kidding around, Dog.
Where's Dan?
Dog?
Dog?
Hello?
Dog?
Ned, there's a call for you.
Hello?
Just letting you know that
if you're planning a trip home,
you'll need a Japanese Visa
because I'm exporting Reckless Island
tomorrow.
What's wrong?
A bunch of blokes in gray
suits are talking my home.
Organized crime.
It's worse than that.
They're corporate bankers.
Here's your money, Ned.
Holy cow.
Mom's been laundering
the company's money.
I knew that sooner or later,
borrowing all that money
would catch up with you,
so I have been putting aside
a little something each week.
If you guys are broke,
I couldn't take that money.
You must save your wilderness.
Ned, it's yours. You earned it.
Besides, we need much
more than $1 million
to save the studio.
The only way we can stay
in show business now
is to beat that bank.
And no one has ever beaten a bank.
Well, there was a first
time for everything.
That bank was stealing my home.
They'd hurt my friends
and beaten up my dog.
Enough was enough.
You're not coming. It's too dangerous.
Mr. Kelly,
the flight to Australia
is boarding immediately.
Better hurry.
So don't bother arguing anymore.
I'm not arguing anymore.
Will you give me a ticket, please?
You two are traveling together?
- No.
- Yes.
How nice.
Try it again.
Come on. Come on.
There.
All right.
OK, you're all clear.
Thank you.
Have a nice flight.
All right, next, please.
Oh, look,
your fans came to say goodbye.
Hi.
Kelly!
Bon voyage.
Fare time, alien.
I'd like to feel my
finger on your trigger
Oh, yes
I know that nobody
can do to your heart
Oh, yes
Happiness is a warm gun,
yes, it is
Happiness is a warm gun,
yes, it is
It's done.
Two bullets point-blank range.
I'm on my way back.
Good.
That's the last we'll see of Ned Kelly.
Hey, look!
The bullets have hit the cross!
Amen.
My plan was simple.
Give the bank the money
and kick them off the island.
Anyway, I figured Sir John
had to be bluffing.
You can't export an island.
It's impossible.
Charges have been laid
under the ocean and across the spit.
The explosions will fracture
the rock strata beneath the surface,
breaking the island off
from the mainland.
Then an ocean-going tugboat
will simply tow it to Japan.
Won't the island just sink?
Not with the latest Japanese technology.
They've fitted the island
with a series of subsurface stabilizers
to provide it with flotation
during the voyage.
Well, it's really creating
an offshore asset!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!
Gentlemen, up until now,
the best undeveloped real estate
has been located in the
most remote places on Earth.
Our bank is about to prove
that cheap wilderness can be exported
to the world's most wealthy
industrialized countries.
Aah!
There's heavily armed bankers out
there, and you've given up guns.
What can you do by yourself?
Trust me.
Ned, I might not ever see you again,
so whatever happens, I...
Robin, I know what I'm doing.
Now what?
Yes, the island is yours.
Sayonara!
We're moving!
You've all done an excellent job.
I'd like you to stay on board the island
until it's safety reached
international waters.
Fly me back to the bank.
I'll refuel the helicopter, sir.
It's Ned Kelly!
The island stopped moving!
Aah!
Shoot them both.
Fire!
Inside! Quick!
Ohh!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aah!
He's ricocheting bullets
with that rubbish bin suit.
Put down your guns
before you kill yourselves.
Ow!
Ned.
The pub's on fire.
Ned's out there, and he's in trouble.
I can feel it.
Wake up, Dan.
You're daydreaming.
You're daydreaming.
You're daydreaming...
Yeah.
Day... dreaming.
Aah!
1...
- Aah!
- Aah!
Aim for his head!
Don't go out. It's suicide.
We can't stay here either.
Let's take all the beer we can carry
and get out the back way.
You're not deserting Ned, are you?
Aim for his legs!
Legs?
We'll finish him off.
Hold fire!
We'll move in and shoot him in the head.
Now!
- Aah!
- Aah!
I quit!
I resign.
My head hurts.
Here's your money.
Now get off our island.
Welcome home.
Aah!
Ha ha!
You business people
don't know when to stop.
Remove your helmet.
Unless you have friends
in Heaven, Kelly,
you're out of luck.
Such is life.
Amen.
It looks like you broke
your dad's record
for getting shot.
Congratulations! Ha ha!
Guns?
Looks like the Kelly
Gang's back in business.
Yeah...
show business.
Oh, faith
You've got to have faith
Oh, faith
You've got to have faith
When you think about it,
what possible reason is there
for a grown man to need a gun?
Captioned by Grantman Brown