Red Ollero: Mabuhay is a Lie (2024) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen, Red Ollero!
Wow, thank you so much.
A few years ago,
I found it difficult to fill the theater.
Now, I think this weekend,
we filled up three shows.
Man! So, thank you.
I'm in that awkward part of my career.
Feels like I'm rising, but no,
and then, you know...
It's not almost famous.
I'd like to call it "uncertainly famous."
Do you get it? Uncertain.
"Uncertainly famous."
Like, he's famous but...
Like the type of famous that
you still need to explain to your peers.
If you're uncertainly famous,
there are a lot of things happening
that are difficult to react to.
Like, when you're walking in the mall,
and you come across someone, like...
That's it. Really. Ben&Ben.
I'm often mistaken for a member of Ben&Ben
because for a long time,
he was the famous fat person.
The fat one in Ben&Ben.
You don't know why, do you?
You don't know the rule?
Really? Wow. Okay. I'll explain it to you.
In Philippine showbiz,
there's an unwritten rule
that only one fat person
is allowed to be famous at a time.
No two famous fat celebrities.
Never happened in history.
Only one fat person is assigned on top.
Then, recently,
the fat one in Ben&Ben lost weight.
He lost weight.
So he isn't qualified anymore.
Yes. He's not qualified anymore.
We've already kicked him out
of our group chat.
We have a "Fat Celebrities" group chat.
We kicked him out right away.
"Damn, your BMI is normal now."
"What's your blood pressure, huh?"
"Why is it normal?"
So, we kicked him out.
Now, there's a void.
A power vacuum is happening.
There's a power struggle
between me and Ninong Ry.
And honestly,
I don't know about you, but I think
the next bona fide fat celebrity
should be me.
Right? Are you not...
No. It's like you were forced!
Like you were forced!
I will convince you.
I don't want to force you, okay?
Because I...
All the famous fat people before,
their celebrity status was fat-adjacent.
Do you get it? Fat-adjacent.
They were only famous
because of their fatness, right?
Like Monty.
What's his band's name?
"What's your band name, Monty?"
Right? Jun Sabayton,
he's just famous because he's naked,
never has a T-shirt on.
Everyone can see his fatness.
That's just my Wednesday!
I do that every day.
That's like a typical day
for us fat people, right?
"Let's cook crispy pata."
"Let's cook crispy pork blood stew."
"Crispy kare-kare." Right?
My God. I do that every day.
Then I'll eat. Wow, okay.
They don't bring anything new
to the table.
Right? It's all fat-adjacent stuff.
"I'm full!"
Always like that.
Me, dude. Look at it.
Look at the fucking swag, dude.
Dude, I am proving that
when you're fat, you can wear color.
With color. Who has, right?
Before me, fat people only wore black.
Now I see,
in the shows, there are fat people
wearing colored clothes.
Turns out, we're gaining confidence.
Last show,
I saw someone fat wearing purple!
A fat person wearing purple!
Do you know how hard it is to be fat
and wear purple?
Wear purple, and the moment
you leave your house, "Grimace!"
Right? Like that.
But he's got confidence now.
'Cause I break borders, man. Look here.
Look at this bespoke custom kimono jacket
by Wear Amu that I'm wearing.
You can see the back side with the custom...
Right? I'm wearing Jordans, man. You know?
That's really it, right?
I'm proving to everyone
that fatness has value.
Not only in...
You know?
Right? I have...
Every show, I show everyone
that fatness has value
in history and society.
Fat people have lots to contribute.
You just don't know it.
You're not aware, are you?
See, a lot of skinny people here...
You're biased about history.
You think skinny people run the world? No.
We invented a lot of things
that you just take for granted, man.
Fat people have invented a lot.
I didn't research, just crossed my mind.
I mean,
research is not necessary nowadays, right?
But listen. It's plausible. Okay?
I think that the person
who invented the escalator was fat.
You think someone skinny
invented the escalator?
A skinny person invented
the automatic staircase?
You have no problem with stairs, right?
It is pain and suffering
that breeds innovation, man.
I think, at some point in history,
there was a fat engineer
walking to the fifth floor.
That's the threshold of obesity.
Did you know?
Fourth floor, that's our maximum.
At the fifth floor, it's like,
"Oh, shit. I'm going to die."
Yes, like that.
So he goes up to the fifth floor, right?
"It's really tiring."
"One day, I'll make stairs
that go up on their own."
And the escalator was invented.
So let's give thanks
to Paul Thomas Escalator.
The inventor of... This is true.
Check it on TikTok.
All the facts are there.
Right? For real. You can check it.
What else did fat people invent?
You don't know.
Fucking skinny people. You only accept
mainstream skinny propaganda.
What else did fat people invent?
The bidet.
You all use bidets. I see, okay.
Your faces show you're bidet users.
Did you know
that the inventor of the bidet was fat?
You think a skinny person invented it?
You can reach your ass.
You can reach everything, right?
"I'm thin. I can reach everything."
Right? What a great life...
you live, skinny people.
You think you guys invented it?
No, the inventor of the bidet was fat.
Someone, for sure, sat down,
he must have been an inventor, right?
Couldn't wash his ass,
"I can't reach my ass anymore
because I eat too much!"
"You know, maybe I can invent
a hose or spray,
then spray the shit off my ass."
"Spray the shit off my ass.
No more shit!"
Then, the bidet was invented.
So a round of applause for John Bidet.
This is true. It's on TikTok, I promise.
John Bidet, the inventor
of the bidet. True.
There's a lot more, man. A lot.
The wheelchair.
The wheelchair.
A fat person invented the wheelchair.
Granted, though, the first time
he envisioned the wheelchair,
he just made a chair with wheels
so he wouldn't have to stand.
He was happy, "Guys! I invented it.
No need to stand up to get something!"
"We can sit all the time. We go there."
Then other people saw it.
"Hey, that's cool.
It's good for the disabled and injured."
Then he said...
"I agree!"
"That's what it's for."
He helped a lot of people.
A round of applause for Wesley Wheelchair.
Some of you are already googling,
"Is this true?" Right?
Maybe you're thinking they're all foreign.
I'm only talking about foreign inventors.
There were also fat Filipinos
who rose above the ranks
and invented beautiful things.
Did you know that a fat Filipino
invented silvanas?
Do you know what silvanas is?
See, some skinny people here are clueless.
I see sadness in your faces.
Because you don't know what silvanas are.
What kind of people are you?
Right? Silvanas. No idea?
Basically, the portable version
of sans rival.
A sans rival that
you can eat on the go, dude.
There's no problem with sans rival.
It's an amazing dessert.
No problem with anything.
Right? It is so beautiful.
Very delicious. No problem.
But why did silvanas have to be invented?
This happened in Dumaguete.
Dumaguete. That is true.
That's where sans rival was invented!
You're morons! You didn't know?
You didn't know that?
It's true! That's where sans rival
was invented, right?
So this girl, Bernadette Silvanas.
A girl this time, to be inclusive.
Bernadette, a name for a fat person.
You know? It's really...
There's some weight in that name.
Like, if you're a man,
and your name is Pao Pao...
you're destined to be a whale, you know?
Nobody said, "Pao Pao,
you're good at track and field!" No one.
Never uttered in history.
It's always,
"Pao Pao, there's unlimited siomai!"
Such things.
"Where?" No.
That's Pao Pao.
Have you noticed
that all my fat characters are similar?
Sorry, I'm not a good actor.
So Bernadette Silvanas,
she's eating sans rival,
already on her fourth slice,
then her office called,
"We have an emergency meeting."
"Hurry up. You walk really slow."
That's verbatim.
This is history so we need to be...
always correct, okay?
So she said, "But..."
"But I'm not done
with my fourth slice of sans rival yet."
"How can I eat... Wait a minute!"
So she put it in foil,
made it into a disc, and that's it.
Silvanas was invented.
A round of applause
for Bernadette Silvanas of Dumaguete.
A round of applause for all of them.
Paul Thomas Escalator,
John Bidet,
Wesley Wheelchair,
Bernadette Silvanas. A round of applause.
Did anyone believe it?
Even one? Good.
I don't want people
who listen to fake news.
That's true, though.
Oh, my. Not because I'm fat,
but if you've seen my old sets,
you know that I always have a segment,
or I have something about Jollibee.
I don't know if you've heard that.
Not because I'm fat,
or I'm hoping that Jollibee
will give me money.
But if possible, I'm okay with that too.
That's okay too, right?
I think Jollibee
is the most pro-fat fast food
in the Philippines.
That's true.
Because they're the only one
who has invented
the Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box.
Four-piece. What a perfect number!
Absolutely perfect.
They have a target market for it.
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box. Right?
They used to have a problem
with their counting.
Two-piece. Not enough, right?
Then, six-piece, you'd need a friend.
You know?
It's awkward too,
because he'll only eat two.
You know?
You're supposed to share,
but you got four. You know?
You'll both feel awkward.
"You want more? You can have it."
"Okay. You sure I can have it?
You're good, right?"
There's that phase, right?
People ask, "Why are you so excited
about a four-piece chicken?"
"Why not order two two-piece instead?"
Someone skinny asked me that.
Skinny people can't relate.
You're stupid.
Don't you know?
Don't you know that when you order
two two-piece chickens,
that's two meals.
That's two meals.
That's a blow to our self-esteem, man.
There's psychological damage in it.
At the counter, "What's your order, sir?"
"Two two-piece chickens."
Then they give you two boxes,
two sets of utensils.
You will see. "It's for two people."
Going to your table.
People will think,
"He's with someone." No.
"I'm alone. Don't judge me!"
After you eat the first one,
since there's two...
There's fresh Chickenjoy
in the other box, right?
Then you think, "Should I eat it?"
You'll give in
because you're not satisfied yet.
"I'll eat this other two-piece." Right?
Then you'll take the new set of utensils.
It's like a fresh start, you know.
While eating it, "I'm so fat."
"I'm so fat!"
But now, there's Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box.
There's someone
in the R&D Department of Jollibee
who has done their research, man.
"Sir, lots of fat people
order two two-piece chickens!"
"I think we can capitalize
on this market."
"Let's make a Jollibee
Four-Piece Chickenjoy Solo Box!"
And true enough,
so many fat people celebrated.
It's the right amount. You know?
When I enter Jollibee,
there's already a pep in my step.
"Jolly morning!" "Jolly morning, indeed!"
"Your order, sir?"
"Well! Jollibee Four-Piece
Chickenjoy Solo Box!"
Right? That's the dream.
They'll give it to you
in just one box, man.
Right? And just one set of utensils.
It's just for one person!
Right? So fascinating.
So I say, I hope this gets to Jollibee.
Please, Jollibee.
Please, Jollibee, please, okay?
You are close to a perfect,
perfect product, okay?
But here's the problem.
When you eat a four-piece chicken,
what do you need to order, man?
- Extra?
- Rice.
Extra rice, man! Right?
The term "extra rice..."
It's very problematic, man.
It connotes
that when you order extra rice,
it connotes there is an excess of rice.
That you already have enough rice
but you need extra, right?
But it's not right. It's not enough.
Even for a two-piece with one rice.
Right? That's stupid.
We should rebrand extra rice
to make it more appropriate.
I'm now calling it "appropriate rice."
Because if you order extra rice,
it's like, "I ate too much."
And sometimes,
you order another extra rice,
a third extra rice.
It goes straight to my head.
"I ate too much!"
But if it's "appropriate rice,"
and the cashier reassures you too...
Maybe you can include this
in your training.
Right? Maybe you can say,
"Appropriate rice, sir?
No worries. That's just enough."
When you order one more,
"It's okay. We're all beautiful
in our own right."
You order more,
"No worries, it's vacation anyway."
No, it's easy, guys.
Jollibee, I have
a complete pitch for this.
You don't have to buy
a new wrapper for it.
Just get the Champ wrapper.
Put four scoops of rice in it.
That's it, man.
Jollibee, you're welcome, man.
You don't have to pay me for that.
It's for fat people only
and I'm happy to help.
Yes, thank you.
Is it okay if I drink, or...
Would you think, "We paid a lot
and he's just drinking in front of us."
Oh, my God.
Are you okay, ma'am? I just drank water.
She's dying here.
I don't know if you know.
It's hard to be a local artist.
It's hard, especially now,
the world is open,
you also compete with foreign acts.
Those foreign acts, when they come here,
the moment they get on stage,
they just say, "Mabuhay!" and...
"Mahal ko kayo!" "Yes!"
"Yes! A foreigner who speaks Tagalog!
Here's my money!"
Me, I've been speaking Tagalog
for a long time now.
If I say, "Mabuhay"...
Will there be... Really?
Don't fool me. My ticket price is cheap.
If I raise the ticket prize to 10,000,
"Is he a foreigner?"
It's always like that.
Right? But that's bullshit.
We're so happy when they say "mabuhay."
Is it because we are making fun of them?
Because "mabuhay" is not even real.
It's not our greeting, right?
You know when the foreigner
said "mabuhay" onstage,
he probably just asked
the Filipino crew or producer,
"What's your greeting here
in the Philippines?"
"Oh, it's 'mabuhay.'"
Right? Then when he gets
on stage, "Mabuhay!"
But it's not even real.
Right? Does anyone here greet
by saying "mabuhay"?
Even just one person here
who greets using "mabuhay"
at any point in their lives,
I'll leave and retire now.
Is there anyone here? No one.
None. No one.
Who says, "Bro, mabuhay, bro"?
"Mabuhay, bro. Yeah, man."
"Where are you? Poblacion?" "Yeah, dude."
"You're leaving already? Mabuhay, bro."
"Mabuhay. Ey, bro, mabuhay. Mabuhay."
No. It never happened.
And yet, we're fooling them all.
Why? Are we ashamed
to say our real customs?
Right? Are we ashamed?
"What's your real greeting?"
"This." Right?
"Hey!" Right?
"Kumusta? How are you? You okay?" Right?
I think we really need to teach them
other better Filipino customs.
Right? I'm fond of
this one Filipino custom.
When I'm asked to eat. Right?
It feels like a greeting also
when you visit during mealtime.
Right? "Hey, man. Join us!" Right?
Good thing is,
it's like a big part of role-play.
That's the only greeting
with a customary response.
When they say, "Lets eat!"
"It's okay. I'm still full."
You can't accept the offer!
I didn't know that
until I was around 26, by the way.
I thought I could opt to say yes.
All the time.
I thought, "Lets eat!"
"Really? What are we having?"
"This is just one cheese dog.
Let's split it in three, man."
Filipinos are amazing.
Even if there's hardly any food, "Eat!"
Even if what's left
are already sucked bones.
"Eat, man!" "No, it's okay."
"I don't wanna eat the carrot
in your chicken curry."
"There's only one left. It's pitiful."
That's what you eat
if you still have rice left, right?
"Okay, I'll have a carrot." Right?
Like that.
It has a customary response. Right?
It's beautiful, right?
"Dude, come eat!" "I'm full."
"No, I'm done."
A lot of excuses, right? So it won't...
You say, "Dude, eat!"
so he won't be uncomfortable.
"You're welcome in my home.
You can eat here."
Then the person says,
"It's okay. Don't bother." Right?
If he insists, there will be a tug-of-war.
"No. Dude, eat. We still have more.
I'll get some more."
"It's okay. I've eaten already."
He'll make excuses.
"I ate on my way here."
What do you mean by that?
You came here on a motorbike.
You ate on your way here?
What's that?
That's what we should teach foreigners.
They come here to have a concert,
"Let's eat!"
"We're full!"
Another custom that I like very much.
"Ingat." Right?
Later when you part ways, "Ingat!"
For sure, you'll say, "Ingat."
We emphasize that, right?
"Ingat. Ingat ka."
"Mag-ingat ka." That's automatic.
Sometimes, when you drop someone off,
you take them to their house,
when they get out of the car, "Ingat! Oh!"
"It's already your place!"
"Yes. Here's me."
"It's funny. Here's me.
That's my gate. And you said, 'Ingat.'"
Then that.
I thought that was the time they made out.
I'm sorry.
That wasn't really included in the joke.
"Ingat." Right?
Why do we emphasize it? "Ingat."
Because we know
that we live in the Philippines.
We know that no matter what happens,
something could happen to you,
wherever you go,
even just walking to the parking lot,
a lot could happen, so "ingat."
People say,
"That's 'take care' in English."
No. It's not "take care."
It's something more intense.
Right? "Ingat."
"Be fucking careful."
"You're in the Philippines. Danger lurks."
That's what it means.
We know that when you get out
from wherever you're at,
going to your car or whatever.
We don't have a sidewalk.
Or if there's a sidewalk,
you're walking, suddenly there's a post.
You go like that.
You take side steps,
the post is in your face.
Then later, you're hitting something wet.
"Shit, it's piss! Urine!"
Right? We all know that.
We've all had that experience.
We're walking,
then there's a hole in the street.
Your foot goes in and it's knee-deep.
Suddenly you have leptospirosis. Right?
So many possibilities.
You're walking, you see a grimy vagrant.
Then he talks to you and he's like...
And you can't...
You can't fight a grimy vagrant, man.
When you punch him, there's poison damage.
You really can't.
"Oh, God!"
"Why am I the one getting hurt over time?"
You can't, man. No.
There's a lot that could happen to you.
You could get mugged.
You could get sideswiped by a tricycle.
You could step in shit.
The most annoying of all.
To step in shit.
Most hassle of all.
It's automatic, you go home.
It's automatic, you go home.
Even if you've just gone out... Okay.
Better if you have the option to go home.
What if you're on your way to work?
You're well-dressed.
You put perfume on. New shoes.
You want to impress your office crush.
Even took a cab to keep you fresh.
Then suddenly, there's shit.
And you step in it. Right?
You can't go home because of work.
What now? You knock on doors.
You're like, "Anybody home?"
You put your foot up.
Do you see it? You put your heel up.
"Anybody home?"
"I stepped in shit!"
Right? Then, a lady comes out.
"What happened to you?"
"What happened to you?"
"I've stepped in shit."
Right? Then she hands you a hose.
And the water pressure is very low.
It's like you're just pouring
a glass of water on your shoes.
The lady is talking to you,
"Where did you get that?
That's what I'm telling them."
"They should pick it up,
but there's no dog owner."
"No one owns the dog.
Who's going to pick it up?"
Then while she's speaking,
you put your thumb on the hose to...
to increase the pressure.
You can't say, "Do you have another hose
with more water pressure?"
"Do you have a power washer, ma'am?"
"The shit has hardened."
"It dried while I was on my way here."
"Due to wind exposure."
"So it hardened in the sole's crevices."
Suddenly she'll ask, "Where do you work?"
"I work there."
"My granddaughter got rejected there."
Now, her problem is also your problem.
You've just stepped in shit!
Too annoying! Right?
But I thought before, stepping in shit
was the worst that could happen to you
until this happened to me.
I scooped shit.
Okay, some of you get it.
Others are like, "What?"
I'll explain it, okay?
Scooped shit. Scooped.
S-C-O-O-P. Scooped, okay.
How? Okay, so normally,
when you step in shit...
Let's say it's this microphone.
Smells bad.
This is your foot.
"Hassle! I stepped in shit." Right?
That's what happened there, okay?
Now, what if you scooped shit?
Here's what happened. This is your foot.
It's just here.
It's just here.
It's really the ultimate misfortune, guys.
Here's the shit, here's your shoe.
Your foot, right?
Here, the planets really aligned...
to make it happen.
Mercury is in retrograde.
Remember, I'm from the south.
I'm always wearing slides, bro.
When it happened to me,
I was only wearing slides.
I was walking in the subdivision,
in our village.
I'm walking, then suddenly... Just here.
I'm walking... Then what happens next?
Upward motion.
Scooping the shit.
I'm telling you, it felt weird, man.
You can't even imagine
what happened to you.
You're just walking, then suddenly,
"These slides are comfortable."
Right? Then suddenly,
"Hey! Why does it suddenly seem
more comfortable?"
Then later, "What's that smell?"
"What happened?"
When you look, there's already something
brown-yellow in between...
You can't believe it.
"Man, why is there shit in my slides?
How did this happen?"
Then you look back.
Of course, you investigate
what you've stepped on.
When you see it, it's brushed up already.
Shit looks like this.
It's brushed up already, man.
You can't do anything.
So you've scooped shit!
Then, when you see it,
it's like yellow ganache.
When you look for a hose right there,
when you're knocking,
"Anybody there?"
"I just... No, I scooped shit!"
A hose won't be enough.
"You need a bucket."
"Put it in."
Do you like my urban grandmother...
urban grandma voice?
"Oh, my!"
"Youths now, all they do is TikTok!"
"Only TikTok! Don't know how to work."
"Don't get circumcised anymore."
No. I don't know if...
I'm not saying it,
but people's response
when I drink is they clap.
I don't know why.
That's louder than for my other jokes.
I'll just drink water my whole set.
Ah, my God.
My girlfriend and I
just had our one-year anniversary.
Yes. Yeah. Yup.
It's funny, because before that,
I think I'd been single for four years.
It was difficult, man.
It's difficult, right?
Who's single? Applause.
Don't worry.
Someone raised a hand. Two.
Anybody here single?
No singles here? Okay.
Then, all of you...
You have a good life, huh?
What's most annoying when you're single,
it's like people treat you
like you need to be fixed.
Right? It's like, "Why are you single?"
"You look okay."
"You're okay."
Right? Like, damn, it's okay to be single.
Then they match you up with someone.
That's what's most annoying of all.
They think they know who's right for you.
Fuck, that's the arrogance
of match-making, man. Right?
"My cousin is single."
"Then you marry your cousin."
Prove it! Prove it, right?
"Prove that she's a good match.
Then after, I'm game."
"You guys first. Go and make out."
"But that's my cousin."
"Excuses, man."
"If it's true love, that's nothing."
"I thought you said your cousin was okay?
Then why don't you?"
I hate match-making.
They'll ask what you like in a person.
"What's your type?"
"Someone with almond-shaped eyes?
Light skin? Tan?"
Right? Then they'll categorize
the women in groups.
They categorize people.
Then they'll make a list
and give it to you.
Man! So unnatural, man. Right?
Me, I don't have an aesthetic type, man.
Absolutely nothing.
I look more at economic stature.
So my type is,
I call them "subdivision girls," man.
Women living in a subdivision.
That's all, okay.
I only do San Lo and up. Okay?
Nothing else. Right? They're the best!
Have you ever dated a subdivision girl?
Man, it's the best.
The kind you ask, "What's your job?"
"I just work for my family business."
Subdivision girls.
Right? The kind
who out of nowhere asks you,
"You wanna come
on my family vacation to Prague?"
Thank you. Subdivision girl.
Right? Even your visa will be arranged.
The best. Right?
"Let's just go to the Polo Club.
I can I use my card."
Subdivision girl! The best!
I'm kidding! Such an asshole, right?
No, I just...
And I'm taking back my words.
No, the only reason I like girls
who live in subdivisions
is because they have a shower.
I love shower sex.
That's really it.
Shower sex is the best, dude.
Anyone else here like...
No one? No one likes to... Just me? Okay.
Okay, fine.
Right, shower sex, man.
I want the real shower sex.
Not the bullshit shower sex in movies
where they're making out in the shower
and they don't drown, like...
Steady stream of water and not drown.
Sounds like bullshit, right?
I want the real shower sex
where you're taking turns in the water.
That's what I want.
Like, one is bathing
while the other is getting cold.
Freezing cold, right?
"Are you done shampooing?"
"Are you done shampooing?"
"Your hair is so long!"
"It might take ages.
Mine will just take a minute."
"Can I have a turn?"
Right? That's what I want.
Shower sex in movies is bullshit.
With the wall pushing.
Fuck that.
And it's turning them on.
It's painful to be pushed against a wall!
Have you ever been pushed against a wall?
Walls are hard.
It's not like getting thrown onto a bed.
There's no give in that, man.
It's got tiles, man. It's hard.
I was pushed against a wall before,
I bumped my head hard.
"I can't hear anything."
"Is this a concussion?"
"It's a concussion, I see."
"So this is where concussions begin."
"I have to go to the hospital, right?"
Feels good. I like shower sex.
I like it when you wash each other.
I'll wipe your back.
You'll wipe my back. Right?
Like those. Right? Like when you ask,
"Can you pull out the hair on my ass?"
"I can't reach it."
That! That's true love!
So I love shower sex, man.
I've tried dipper sex. Not the same, dude.
It's not hot. You know that? Kind of...
"It's a little cold,
are you okay with it?"
"It's been here a while.
You want me to boil water?"
And you're squatting.
Why is it when we bathe
with a dipper, it's not relaxing?
With a shower, you're just standing.
With a dipper, everything is intense.
You hurry up because the water drips fast.
And you need to chase it.
"It's here already!"
So, I've tried that.
No, it's not the same, man.
Still shower sex. It's not the same.
When I'm single, especially now...
It's different now.
Lots of people are sex-positive now.
Me, I'm sex-positive too.
I try to be open-minded about people's,
you know, desires and kinks.
You'll also encounter
someone incompatible with you.
Sometimes, it doesn't work out.
When I was single,
I dated someone
and everything was going good, man.
We talked in the restaurant,
the conversation was good,
nice rapport, right?
We had the same taste
in music and movies. Things like that.
We were walking around the mall.
We didn't even notice
it'd been three hours.
Right? We were talking.
After that, I brought her home,
she invited me to her condo.
I thought, "Yes! Good job!" Right?
We got to her condo. We made out, man.
Like that.
It was awful.
That's the comedic act of making out.
If I'd done it right,
it'd be ridiculous. Look.
Right? It's not cool.
So that's the comedic...
But we did make out, and after that,
she said, "I'm just gonna freshen up."
She went to the bathroom.
She even left the door open.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
Is this an invitation?"
Suddenly she said, "Join me."
When I entered,
there was no dipper, "Good job."
I made sure of it first.
Then I saw her shower. A rainfall shower.
It's turned on, I saw the water pressure.
Could even remove tile grout.
That's how strong it was.
That's how it was.
I thought, "I'll put my ears
in front of it." Know what I mean?
It felt really nice, right?
That's luxury water pressure.
I was overjoyed.
We made out in the shower.
Then she knelt. "Oh, my God, she knelt."
Wow, seriously, our first date
and she's game already.
Suddenly she said, "Can you pee on me?"
Okay. We're sex-positive, guys.
Don't be grossed out.
There are people who are into it
and it's not a bad thing.
The only problem is
if you are not compatible, don't force it.
Right? That's it.
The problem is...
it's a tricky, touchy situation
because we're in the mood already.
Everything was going well.
We were into it, so when she asked me...
I had to reject her.
So you have to be delicate
in this rejection. Right?
Because it's rude if you just say,
"I don't want to!"
"Fucking gross!" Right?
You should be delicate.
But shit, my brain went slow-mo.
It went bullet time.
The voices in my head were talking.
"Okay. She wants to get peed on?" "Yes."
"Do we like that?" "No, we don't."
"We don't like that."
"What shall we do and say?"
"We need to reject her nicely
but we need to tell her now
'cause it's been a long time."
"Okay, you need to talk now.
Speak up, Red."
"I don't need to pee yet."
Then she said, "Okay."
But, guys, the problem then was...
I really needed to pee, man.
It was like a water balloon
swelling bladder.
Like, if you'd poked me,
something would've come out.
A little bit would come out.
Right? Like a water balloon.
But, man, I am a gentleman, dude.
I'm a gentleman. So we made out.
We had sex, man.
We had sex three rounds, man.
There's talking in between, man.
It's not just continuous sex.
There's something in between.
There's talking.
I knew what she wanted in her career,
frustrations, her hatred of her superiors.
Her ex who had a snake, I also knew.
I knew everything.
After the third round, we talked more.
We had a long after-sex talk.
Eventually, I had to say goodbye.
I said, "It's been a great night.
Thank you so much."
Then she closed the door.
The moment the lock clicked...
I ran really fast, man, to the elevator.
I'm pressing the button quickly.
Thinking that the elevator would go faster
if I pressured it.
"I really need you!"
"I need you.
I need you now, elevator." Right?
I got down, got into my car.
I hurried to the nearest gas station.
I urinated profusely, man.
My pee would have made the world record
if the Guinness Book
of World Records had been there.
Like, "Wow, that's a lot."
The pressure was strong.
The things is,
when I got there,
I immediately went into the stall,
and what I did was,
I jammed my thumb in my pelvis.
I was injured
because I was wearing a belt.
When you really need to pee
and you're wearing a belt, it's the worst.
After I pulled my pants down, my penis...
Pretend this is my pants.
Then my penis,
the moment it got like this...
It was like a fire hose.
I was trying to contain it.
Moving backwards.
You're peeing already from the logo.
Steph Curry! Right?
It's long distance already, seriously.
I peed so much.
I peed so much.
It flushed the toilet.
That much and strong, man.
The toilet flushed, I'm not finished yet.
I even filled it again.
Then I flushed it normally afterwards.
If you just want to know that detail.
That's it. That's exactly what happened.
So, I thought,
"Man, how did I get in this situation?
What the hell happened?"
I looked back.
You know, it's like she set me up.
When we were at the restaurant,
when were ordering,
she said, "We'll also have
three pitchers of peach iced tea."
Three pitchers of peach iced tea?
Then I drank it all.
We were walking, she had a Hydro Flask.
It was 64 ounces, "Wanna drink?"
"Yes, please."
"You're thoughtful."
The largest drink at Taters
when we watched a movie.
"I can't finish my drink."
"Oh, root beer. Sure."
I should have known, man. It was a set-up.
Seriously, I really didn't know.
Then people ask me
when they hear this story...
"Why did you have to go to a gas station?"
"After sex,
you should have done it there."
You think it's that easy, man?
I told her I didn't need to pee.
Then suddenly, "I need to pee."
Right? How's that?
If I'd done it there, I don't know,
she might've done something.
Maybe she'd run and say, "Interception!"
Then suddenly...
Sorry, I don't know. Do they drink it?
I don't know what they do.
Whatever, right?
So that's why I didn't do it. It's hard.
I've encountered so many that...
I can't really explain.
Like, I'm not kink-shaming,
but some kinks seem really strange.
Right? Like during the pandemic.
Who was single during the pandemic?
Damn. What an ordeal, man.
You know that?
All of us had sex through chat.
We did it there.
"I'm pulling down your pants."
"I'm taking my penis out which is...
nine inches."
It's difficult, right?
And the term is so ugly.
"Cybersex." Right?
Right? It's not sexy.
It's like when you're talking
to a woman, right?
"So, cybersex it is?"
It's not suave.
"Want to take this to my Zoom room?"
"I'm on premium."
"We're not restricted to 40 minutes."
"It has unlimited time."
Right? It's weird.
I don't get it. So anyway,
I used to chat with someone.
She sent me nudes, man.
Ooh, nudes.
Anyone here send nudes?
Really? Okay.
So, she sent me nudes.
Of course, wow, seriously,
"You're sexy," things like that.
Then she said to me,
"Can you do a cum tribute?"
Okay, there are two...
They know what it is.
Others are just pretending.
A cum tribute is,
your partner will send you nudes
and they are expecting you to...
you know, masturbate.
And then you ejaculate on the picture.
Then take a picture of it,
that it's on her picture,
then you send it to her
and they get turned on by that.
I don't know why,
but that's the way it is.
You know?
Now, I don't find it weird.
It's just that this kink
is very logistically challenging.
Because you're expecting
that the person you sent the nudes to
has a printer.
Logistically challenging.
At 3:00 in the morning,
"I want you to cum on this picture."
I don't have a printer.
You say, "I don't have a printer."
You can't have it printed somewhere else.
If you have a printer at home,
usually it's a family printer.
You'll have to knock.
are you still up?"
"I need to use the printer.
I sent it to your email."
"I need it printed on A3. A4. Yeah."
Such a big printer for an A3.
What do you expect
if you don't have a printer? Go to a shop?
Have it printed?
Even if they send it early, you can't.
You go to a print shop wearing a hoodie.
"Print this, please."
"What's that, sir?"
"Picture. Yes, a picture."
"What size, sir? Wallet size?"
"A3, sir?"
"What size, sir? Oh, these are nudes!"
"You want matte? Glossy?"
"What is this, sir? Nudes?
Is this for a cum tribute?"
Cum tribute.
"Sir, want it laminated?"
"So if it's laminated and you cum on it,
and you don't like how your cum looks,
you just wipe it off."
"And do it again. Right?
You don't have to come back here."
"Sir, do you want a clear sliding folder?"
"Clear sliding folder, sir,
if you have lots of partners."
"Different nudes."
"You only ejaculate once
and just change the pictures."
"Just arrange the positioning
to what you prefer, sir, right?"
"Maybe when you have a lot of cum,
you don't want it to go to waste."
"It may not happen again."
"Just exchange the picture, right?"
"Then, you can send it to lots of people!"
"Right? Sliding folder."
It's really logistically challenging.
So I told my chatmate,
"Sorry, I don't have a printer."
She said, "Oh, no, most guys,
they just do it on their phones."
On their phones?
Damn, on my cell phone. I use it for work.
What if the next day
while emailing in bed,
it falls on my face?
"Damn, I ejaculated on this yesterday."
Besides, what if it breaks my cell phone?
What will I say when I go to Greenhills?
"Sir, what happened to it?"
"It just got broken, man."
"What's this? Cum tribute?"
"You should have put
tempered glass on it."
"That's what you should do to protect it."
"Look. I'll demonstrate it here.
This has tempered glass."
"I ejaculated on it four times yesterday."
"No problem."
And in all honesty, fine.
If you ejaculate on your cell phone, fine.
You agreed. You do it on your phone.
How do you take a picture of it?
You'll knock on your father again. "Dad,
are you awake? Lend me your phone."
"I'll just take a picture.
Then you can delete it."
"AirDrop it to me."
But actually,
I have this story.
The first time it happened,
I got so excited.
Then I realized,
when I ejaculated on my cell phone,
how could I take a picture?
I said, "Oh, fuck!"
"What will I do?"
It was funny because I saw
my reflection in my bedroom mirror.
The reflection of me
while I'm lifting my laptop.
It's on Photo Booth.
Then I turn the webcam over to...
I wish it wasn't real,
but it really happened.
She's happy. Like, "Wow, this looks good."
Of course, it has tempered glass.
That's very obscene.
Filipinos really like obscenity.
Even those other stand-ups before,
that's really their calling card,
that obscene stuff.
'Cause we are repressed, technically.
We are repressed as a nation.
We're a Catholic nation. Very repressed.
And I always talk about
the real Filipino experience
during my set.
I feel like I represent us well.
I represent what's really happening
or, like, I talk about it.
If you've seen it before, I talk about...
religious jokes sometimes,
life as a single person
in the Philippines,
life as a fat person in the Philippines.
And I think it's nice
to have Fil-Am comedians who represent us,
but they do not represent
our real culture here in the Philippines.
You know that, right?
That's why I fight for it.
Not just me.
There's a big scene on the rise now
in the Philippines for stand-up comedy.
Thanks, Comedy Manila.
If you watch shows.
Yes, there are lots
of Filipino stand-up comedians
who share stories of their culture
from their point of view,
the life they've lived.
So when you watch shows,
maybe you can relate to more comedians
'cause you can relate to the culture.
Like with me, a lot of fat
and handsome people can relate.
That's why it is also part of my set.
People ask me, "Do you make jokes
about religion? Isn't it offensive?"
That's part of our culture.
So for me, I talk about growing up
as a Catholic boy, dude.
Catholic school, Catholic upbringing.
Honestly, I have no problem
with the Catholic church.
I'm actually amazed
by the Catholic church.
So cool. Right?
Because it seems like even now,
I still remember all the church songs.
Church songs are beautiful.
Though I don't go to mass anymore,
I love them so much.
And to the point that my grandma
made me leave the church.
She doesn't take me to church anymore
because she said I worship too intensely.
I get carried away.
You know? I worship too hard, dude.
'Cause the songs are beautiful.
Give praise to the Lord of all Earth
Let hearts full of gladness exalt
Oh, yeah
Strum your guitars to the music
With organ and trumpet, rejoice
"There's a trumpet?" Right?
Then my grandmother...
"Get down from there."
"Why are you standing on your seat?"
I do this in church. And it's not allowed!
You're not allowed to worship too much.
Your worship should be contained. Right?
I'm expressive, and it's not allowed.
We have beautiful church songs.
We can't bop to them. You know?
Why not?
"Give Praise to the Lord of All Earth"
is the "Bohemian Rhapsody"
of the Philippines.
But we can't go wild and out.
You can't get carried away.
One of my favorite things to do
as a Catholic is the Visita Iglesia.
Road trip.
With your family, right?
You get to taste varieties of ice scramble
from different parts of the Philippines.
"So this is Bulacan's ice scramble."
"So this is Laguna's ice scramble."
Right? Such things. Makes you happy.
My favorite is reading missalettes.
Right? Stations of the Cross.
Really my favorite.
Then my mother banned me
because I put "voices"
on the characters.
But am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
Should Pontius Pilate and Mary Magdalene
have the same voice?
Is that right?
Only one monotonous voice the whole time?
Why can't it be done with...
I'm wrong because I give motivation?
Right? And I give background stories
to the voices of my characters.
I'm an actor, man.
I'm a performer. I'm an artist.
God gave me this talent but I can't use it
to show my love for it?
Isn't that weird?
Why can't they let me do it?
That's why on our last Visita Iglesia,
I told my mom,
"Mom, please, just one station."
"Please, just one station.
Please. Just one station."
"My God, just one."
She said, "Fine."
"But if you do it with those voices,
I'll cut off your balls."
Yeah, that's how my mom is.
She told me that in church, dude.
Very wild. Right?
So she gave me the missalette.
Station 11, man.
Good station. Solid station.
Jesus was crucified on the cross
between two thieves.
Three characters.
I said, "I can work with this."
I thought, "Shit, do I just read it
or do I do what I was put
in the world for, dude?" Right?
So I saw three characters.
So finally, when it was my turn,
I said, "Jesus was crucified
in between two thieves
and one of the thieves said,
"Are you not Jesus Christ?"
"Why don't you use your power...
and bring us down from here?"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
By this time,
my mom was with another family already.
She was at Station 3 again.
"This fucking kid. Useless."
She repeated the station.
"Shut up!"
"He is innocent. We are real thieves."
"He's innocent."
"Remember my name
when you arrive in Paradise."
"Yeah, mabuhay, bro. Like..."
"I won't forget you, bro."
Anyways, thank you so much, guys!
Fight for your dreams, man!