Relaxer (2018) Movie Script

[speakers: dramatic
classical music playing]
[dramatic classical music
continues playing]
[man] Still drinking?
Abbie, you still drinking?
[toilet flushing]
Sixty seconds!
[dramatic classical music
continues playing]
Thirty seconds!
[dramatic classical music
continues playing, louder]
Are you deaf?
[remote clicks][music stops]
Fuck![video game:
skateboard rolling]
Ten seconds. Hurry up.
[video game: skateboard rolling]
Oh, well.
[sniffs, sighs]
See if you don't quit
this time.
It smells like
a fucking fart bag over here.
All right.
Round six
in three, two, one...
Three minutes.[video game:
skateboard rolling]
Hold still.
I said hold still.
I'm trying to get focus.
You spill one drop,
I'm calling it.
Looks like
it's dribbling down your chin.
I'll disqualify you. I will kick you out unless
you can learn to drink like a fucking human.
I am a human.
[man] You sure?
Where'd you get these?
[Abbie] Dallas got 'em
from Arin Bechdel.
Arin Bechdel got 'em from, I don't
know, some sales guy at work.
And then
I got 'em from Dallas,
so I gotta beat 'em all
before I gotta give 'em back.
[man scoffs]
Aren't you afraid of Arin?
No. Why would I be?
I think
you're afraid of Arin.
Trying to beat these?
I'm just trying
to flip the world.
I think you can only
do it in San Francisco.
Just go up, down,
and the quarter pipe four times,
slide rail
halfway down the pipe,
jump over the right side,
ollie out, land on the cage.
I only did it once
by accident,
but... the whole level,
it flips upside down.
The screen freezes and shakes
for a little bit.
Now, they're gonna fix this before
the game comes out next year,
but it is a good glitch.
Trying to find the glitches?
Because you can't
really beat this game.
[video game: skateboard rolling]
It's the new fucking Shadowgate.
That game's impossible.
It's gonna take you weeks.
I sa--
I saved Kal Torlin.Huh.
Escaped all three towers.
What about this one? Huh?
Ah. I escaped the asylum.
Thirty seconds.
[video game:
skateboarder grunts]
Says it's the arcade version.
Yeah, I don't really
like the old games.
You don't like the old games? They're hard.
Ten seconds.
Come on.
Four. Three. Two.
One! Time!
That was close.
[Abbie groans]
You gonna blow?
You sure?
I just have to pee.
Oh. There's a bathroom
right over there. Go for it.
No. You'll disqualify me.
Try it.
You're gonna make me
start all over again. Try it!
Round seven
in three, two, one--
Just one second. No, there's no breaks.
No, come on. There should be at
least, like, a minute between glasses.
That's against the regulations.
What, are you trying to quit?
Well, can I have
some ice then? That dilutes the lactose.
Three, two, one.
Drink up!
What are you doing?
Are you packing?
Going to Uncle Ronnie
and Ronnie's.
Working on the new compound.
Everyone's gonna be there.
Who's "everyone"? Everyone.
Even Joao?
Well, can I come? Sure.
Mom's gonna be there. To do your laundry?
What did you say?
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna take this whole
box set over so everyone can watch it.
We'll let 'em see "The
Quitter's Guide to Quitting."
I didn't quit. Sure? Huh.
Let's start from the top. "Mr. Burger
challenge." Only completed eight of the ten.
I wasn't hungry anymore. Let's see here.
We got the catnip
cigarette challenge.
I swallowed some. Oh, sure.
You didn't quit.
And we got-- Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Full Volume Headphone Blast."
You only got through
two of Hammett's solos.
I told you I didn't want songs
longer than eight minutes.
You know what would have been
the ultimate challenge?
You gettin' a fucking job.
You quit that one too.
That's right.
Old Cortez throws a hot dog at
you, and you go running home.
Could've paid the rent. Oh, you
could've paid the rent?
Man, I know Mom
pays for everything.
Where'd you hear that?
Where'd you hear this, huh?
Was it your boyfriend Dallas?
She gives the landlord
a check every month. Says who?
And she takes it out of
Dad's savings account.
Dad's savings?
He didn't have shit when he left.
Mom should have told you that when she
fucking evicted you from the basement.
Hey, I left on my own. Oh, really?
When she found you down there
writing love letters to him?
They weren't love letters.
"Dear Daddy Sicko" --
He wasn't a sicko! You tell that
to the court, motherfucker!
It was a silly misunderstanding.
That's all.
Dad was broke when he left.
Nothing there, idiot.
Oh, shit. Here we go.
What, did I
hurt your feelings? Huh?
What's wrong with you?
Huh? What happened to you?
You got ten seconds, bitch.
Nine, eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three, two--
Oh, that was fucking close.
Half a glass left, man.
That's a big deal.
You might actually complete
a challenge.
Mom used to always
race us to the bus stop.
She always let you win,
and I always would come in last place.
Why did she
do that to me?
What are you talking about?
Dad used to always let me beat him.
Y-You asked
what happened to me.
I... I was just kidding.
I was just kidding around. Geez.
Come on. Let's go.
Round eight.
Three, two, one. Here we go! No, w-w-wait.
Are you gonna blow?
Hold on! Are you gonna blow?
Stop it!
I'm getting a fucking bucket. This is
not official. Time has not started yet.
Wait right there. I'm gonna go in the
basement, get a bucket and a fucking mop.
You move,
I will fucking kick your ass.
No fucking cheating either.
[video game: skateboard rolling]
[door slams]
Don't tell Janitor Jim
I stole this.
Not that he understands
a word anybody says anyway.
[Abbie] Did you
put the key back?
[key settles on hook]
You're in luck.
Giving you a five-minute break.
Found you
a little present.
Where'd you get that?
Apartment 417.You stole it?
So? Bunch of fuckin' nerds.
Look. It's your
little kid Pac-Man game.
And some fuckin' caveman.
No, that's
Billy Mitchell.Hmm.
Says he's got a contest.
Can I see it? Hundred thousand dollars.
Come on. Let me see. You want it? Grab it.
Come on. Grab it.
[snickers]I call challenge break.
I call disqualified!
[video game: skateboard rolling]
Says you gotta beat
his record. What's his record?
Couldn't get past
level 256.
This Mitchell
sounds like you.
"If you want to attach
your name to a record,
if you want your name
written in history,
you have to pay
a price."
Fuckin' homo.
Can-- Can I please see it?
Beat 256. That's it.
What would you even do
with $100,000?
I'd buy a jet. What?
Or a boat.
Go to California.
You'd go from Michigan
to California on a boat.
Look at this.
Some Chinese kid with a bowl haircut
named Jeffrey Yee
did it in 1982.
Reagan even sent him
a letter.
Yee claims he videotaped
it and then lost the tape.
Fuckin' lame.
You know, Dallas just got some
bootleg Pac-Man tapes sent to him
from his Uncle Bodo
in Nepal.
Maybe that's it. Oh, fuck that!
Dallas is such a liar,
and you know it.
Well, he traded half
his two-headed snake for it. What?
He traded half
his two-headed snake for it.Mmm.
Break's over, Sweetchuck.
Back to the challenge.
Where's that milk jug?
No-- What-- No.
Y-You said
just eight baby bottles.
That's not what I said.
Besides, I want the jug in the shot.
We're making
fucking art here.
You've gotta finish off that milk jug.
Where is it?
No, you said specifically
it was just eight baby bottles.
That was the finish of the challenge.
You gotta finish all the milk!
If you don't consume
all of the milk--
That's not
what you said, Cam! You heard me.
No, you said--That is the rules.
Yeah, but-- "But" --
[makes farting sounds]
Oh, look, there it is.
[chuckles] Yes.
So you gotta finish all the milk in the jug, and
I don't care how many bottles it takes you.
That's what I said.
No, it isn't. You said--
That's exactly what I said. No, it isn't.
You said as soon as eight of 'em are
done, then that was it.
That's not what I said. And you can't even
refill it.
That's not the rules. The top--
The challenge stated if you don't
consume all the milk that was in the jug,
then you lose.
You cannot just fill it
when the top is on already!
Fuck it. I'm gonna tell
you one thing one time.
This is not right, Cam.
You have quit everything in your life.
And you're finally getting
close to finishing a challenge.
I just topped it off.
Now, we got round eight.
It's going to start
in three, two, one...
Three minutes.
Come on.
We're all rootin' for ya.
[video game:
skateboard rolling]You got this.
You quit?
You can do it.
There you go.
Just put it to your lips.
Suck it down.
You're almost there.
[whispers] Got it.
That's good.
[sniffs] Wh-Whoa.
It's pretty rotten.
You should smell it.
No way. I smelled it already. It's
definitely rotten. That makes it better.
This is-- This is
above room temperature.
That's good. That makes it more...
tasty. It's full-bodied.
No. No. No way.
Time's ticking.
You just gonna quit again?
[Abbie] I'll be okay.
[Cam] You have no survival skills.
You know that? None.
You barely survive
on this couch.
You still
don't believe it? Huh?
So this very specific numerical algorithm
which controls the date and time,
which in turn controls the
motherboard of the computers,
won't be entirely fucked
when everything flips to zeroes?
You own one thing. It's not even
gonna work six months from now.
There ain't no Nintendo
in the Y2K.
[newspaper pages crinkling]
Don't fuckin' quit.
All right?
You are this close
to finishing
the first fucking challenge
you have ever fucking completed.
Are you really gonna
fucking give up?
I'm fucking serious, man.
You got 60 seconds.
You got this.
Just suck
that thing down.
Put it in your mouth.
Come on.
Fuck, man.
Thirty seconds.
Abbie, you can do this.
Twenty, 19, 18,
17, 16, 15, 14--
[retches]Fuck! Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
[Cam] Fuck!
I knew I should have borrowed
Jim's fuckin' tarp.
Where's my fucking keys?
Do we have any Popsicles?
[chuckles] Get up and get it yourself.
This challenge is over.
I'm too sticky
to get up now.
We have
any blue ones left?
On the floor, Mongo.
Hit the streets, homeless.
Oh, but y--But-- [blows raspberry]
One more challenge.
One more final,
ultimate challenge.
You're not gonna just quit? I won't.
You will.
I quit quitting. What?
I quit quitting.
One last ultimate challenge.
Regulations still in effect.
You don't get off this fucking couch.
Name it.
What are you doing?[TV: static]
[cartridge inserting in
console][grunts] Come on.
[click][TV: static stops]
[TV: Pac-Man theme playing]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises][grunts]
Fuckin' gross, man!
Level 256.
You get past level 256.
You beat that fucking record,
you fucking collect that money,
you show up that caveman,
and then you go live
with Daddy Dearest forever.
Rules apply.
No getting off this couch.
Stretch breaks? Nope.
Can I lay down? No!
You do not leave this couch
until the challenge is completed.
Challenge accepted.
Are you sure?
Challenge accepted.
Well, how long do I have?
Till I get back.
You coming back tonight? Nope.
Tomorrow? Who knows?
Can I come with?
Are you
quitting already?
I'm gonna take
pity on you.
I'm gonna give you until New Year's Eve.
That's right, son.
You have until the Y2K.
What? Mm-hmm.
You're gonna stay on that couch
and you're gonna protect it.
Fuckin' relax!
Probably be done
before tonight.
You gotta tape it.
Think you can handle
that?[equipment rattling]
Think you can aim this at the
TV, press the little red button?
Gonna be able to
take care of yourself?
Be able to keep in all
your pee-pee and your poo-poo?
Where's my keys?
Where the fuck are my keys?
Does Chuck E. Cheese deliver?
Call fuckin' Domino's.
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[Cam mutters] Goddamn it.
I had two knives and a set of
keys on this fucking counter.
Where's Joao's knife,
and where's my fuckin' keys?
Did you fucking touch
my keys again? No way, Jos.
"Jos"? [scoffs]
What you know
about Jos?
Aha![keys jingle]
I'll tell you about Jos.
Jos Domingo. He's an old
fisherman, lived down in Mexico.
Lived on the beach. He fished all day.
And you know what?
What he didn't eat for lunch or dinner
at the end of the day, he sold off.
And one day, along
come the white man. Yeah.
American businessman on Mexico
vacation comes up to Jos and says,
"I got a suggestion for you.
Why don't you hire somebody to do your fishing
and somebody to run that stand for you?"
Old Jos gives it a try. Next day
he makes three times as much money.
Here come that
American businessman again.
He says, "Jos,
I got another suggestion.
You should hire
an entire fleet of fishermen."
Next thing you know, Jos's sitting up in
that office, sitting behind a mahogany desk.
He got a hundred employees
in his corporation.
[fingers snap]There go 40 years.
All of the sudden, Jos's an old man.
He can barely walk.
He decides
it's time for retirement.
You know what he does?
I asked you a question!
Do you know what he does?
No. What? I don't--
What does he do?
He goes and lives on the
beach, fishing all day,
selling off what he doesn't
eat at the end of the day,
happy as shit!
And nobody bothering him.
The American dream.
Am I him?
Get to fuckin' work.
I'll see you
when you're dead. What?
Don't take no shits
on my couch.
Get to work. Are you coming back?
[door opens, slams]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[video game noises]
Dallas. Hey,
I'm in a challenge emergency.
Need you to bring over a Chuck E.
Cheese pizza, a large,
a cherry cola, two-liter--
[Dallas speaking on line,
faint]I'll pay you when you get here.
Hey, you know that Pac-Man
tape that your uncle gave you?
Hell yeah, dude. I need you to bring that
with you too.
[Dallas continues
talking, faint]
Oh, hey, and I need you to do a
secret knock when you get here.
I need to make sure
it's not Arin.
Okay, here it goes.
Do it back.
[line: random tapping]
That's not right.
[Dallas speaking,
Wh-- Tomorrow?
No, I-I can't wait that long.
What are you doing right now?
[line clicks]
[line: man speaking, faint]Well,
why don't you deliver?
No, it's not a birthday party.
It's a challenge.
And it needs to be a delivery.
Is this Brad Matusak?[man
continues speaking, faint]
Hey, this is Abner Harmeyer.
[line clicks]
[Pac-Man music playing]
[knocking continues]
[Dallas] Come on,
dude, open the door!
[knocking continues]
Do the secret knock.
[Dallas] Well...
[random knocking]
What was that? I don't know.
The Olympics song?
Th-The fuckin'
secret code?
Whatever, dude.
The fuckin' jig is up. It's me.
[Abbie] Just use the
key.[Dallas] Where is the key at?
[Abbie] Same spot.[Dallas]
Where's the fuckin' same spot?
Think above your head.
Are you doing Maya
Angelou shit or something?
What the fuck
are you saying?
[Abbie] I-It's just--
It's above the door.
[Dallas] Thank you.[key
scratches against wall]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
Don't gotta yell at me, all pissed off
and shit. It's always in the same spot.
Yeah, like your ass.
Did you put
the key back? Yeah--
It smells like fuckin' mouth
farts up in here, dude.
[Abbie] Where's
the Chuck E. Cheese?
Dude. [sighs]
Brian Pontiac told me that
Cam got footage of you
spewing milk
all over the place, dude.
Oh.I wanna see that shit.
That's what I came for.
What fuckin' tape is it on?
Just forget about that.
I ain't gonna forget about it.
That's the shit I came over for.
If I had my own Hi-8 tape player,
I'd fuckin' watch it at home.
But I still need the fuckin' tape.
Which one is it?
Just don't worry about it.
It says "first drive."
You got video of your first
time you fuckin' drove?
One of 'em.
How can you have multiple
first times you drove?
Oh, shit. Is this your birthday
when you fuckin' cut your knuckle?
Does it say "15th"? Mm-hmm.
Yeah. We should fuckin'
watch that too.
Well, dude, get your fuckin' ass up.
Here, help me find this.
I can't get up.
It's part of the challenge.
Fuck the challenge. Put that shit on pause for
five minutes just to help me find the tape.
[Abbie] No.
All right, then I
fuckin' challenge you
to get up and help me
find the tape.
I can't do a challenge when I'm
already on another challenge.
Jesus Christ. Then I challenge you to
challenge me to challenge you notto get up.
I don't know what that means.
It doesn't fuckin' mean anything.
Just get off the couch. You're in this
fuckin' challenge vortex of retardedness.
Why don't you have the pizza?
Fuckin' Brad Matusak was there, man.
I hate that dude.
Him and his little fuckin' butt-hole.
He spilled chili cheese on my work
pants, didn't even apologize.
You shouldn't say that.
Say what? "Little butt-hole"?
No. "Hate." Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to fuckin' infringe
on your sensitivity and shit.
It's hot in here, man. No shit.
Can you open this window for
me and prop it with something?
Jesus Christ. Could you, please?
Here. Will this work? Yes.
For fuck's sake, dude.
Didn't realize I was
your fuckin' personal assistant.
[window slides open]
Dude, it smells ill.
Where-- Seriously, where are you shitting?
[Abbie stammers, sighs]
And since there's no pizza,
would you just grab me one of my baloney
sandwiches from the kitchen, please?
That'd be great. All right. I'm on it.
Yes, Your Highness.
Man, I don't see
anything in here, dude.
Well, did you look
in the microwave?
Did I what?
In the microwave.
I'm looking in the fridge.
Some Mother Hubbard shit.
Well, check the microwave!
Why would I--
[mutters] Fuck.
Your light's
tweakin' out, dude.
It's my night-light. Night-light?
It's an epileptic light.
Just leave it alone. I'm not gonna touch
your light, dude.
I ain't an electrician.[TV:
Pac-Man game noises]
Did you find 'em? I'm looking.
They should have
two holes in 'em.
[Dallas, muffled]
I'm lookin'.
I need both of them though.
I gotta ration 'em out.
Mm-hmm. What are you doing?
[chewing] Nothin'. I'm fuckin'
looking for your sandwiches, dude.
I found it.
[scoffs]That shit's hard
as fuck, dude.
That's, like,
an antique sandwich. There's just one?
That's all
that was there.
What are those? Popsicles? They were.
They're fuckin' like liquid
Jolly Ranchers now. Shit melted.
Were you drinking
the Kool-Aid?
I don't even like Berry Blast.
How'd you know it was Berry Blast?
I wasn't wheezin' your juice, dude.
Stop giving me that accusatory look.
Well... did you bring the
two-liter cherry cola, at least?
- Yeah. You got the money?
- I'll owe you.
[scoffs] Fuck that.
The shit ain't free, dude.
It's fuckin' 89 cents.
- Come on, man.
- [burps]
I know you got a knife in the couch.
Just give me that. I'll trade you.
Man, I don't have a knife.
I know you got a knife.
Just fuckin' trade me that
and we're even stephen.
I got no knife. All right,
then show me the money.
Fuckin' show me the money,
fuckin' Jerry Maguire-style.
Look, soon I'm gonna
have a lot of money.
I'm gonna have,
like, $100,000.
Yeah, right.
No, really. I'll pay you then.
Just fuckin' show me the money, dude.
Look--You fuckin' seen Jerry Maguire?
- You know what I'm talkin' about?
- No.
"Show me the money!"
Fuckin' Thomas Cruise-style.
I don't know--You should see it though.
It's got Jerry Cantrell from
fuckin' Alice in Chains in it.
He plays, like, a fuckin'
Kinko's, uh, employee.
There's a part where
Thomas Cruise comes in,
and he's got, like, a mission statement
he fuckin' stayed up all night and wrote--
Okay, look, I--I'm just trying
to fuckin' tell you--
Yeah, I know. See the movie.
I'm gonna have
$100,000 real soon.
Fuckin' Cuba Gooding Jr.
won an Oscar for the movie.
Who? Fuckin' Cuba Gooding Jr.
Look, man, I promise--
He plays the football player that Tom
Cruise's character takes on as a client
when no one
believes in him.
How come no one believes in him? Because
he left a high-end agency on his own.
He was trying to be
a maverick of the industry
and base hisself on ethics
rather than just money.
So with that said,
fuckin' show me the money.
Look, I told you, I'm gonna pay you later.
No, fuck that. Fuck paying.
Challenge me.
Let's do a challenge
for the pop. Challenge you?
To do what?
Oh, you've had
two of 'em? Hell yeah.
Two-liter hands.
Well, hand.Hands.
Hand. Two-liter hands.
No, hand. Hands.
"Han-duh." Hands.
"Han-duh." Hands.
"Han-duh." Hands.
No. 'Cause I
need one of them.
Hands. "Han-duh."
Are you fuckin' blind?
Hands. Two hands, dude.
Right, but one of 'em's
gonna be mine.
You don't think I can drink all this shit?
You see, I know all about--
Last week during a shift, I drank a
whole three-liter and two belly busters.
I didn't even piss.
With the fuckin' AC blastin'.
I know. You've been bragging about it to everybody.
That's why I'm not gonna challenge you.
Yeah, because I got a strong-ass
dick with pinching capabilities.
I don't challenge you.
Fuck it.
I'll challenge myself.
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
Help me
with this shit, dude.
Here, fuckin' grab it. Help me spin
this shit. Get out of the way, man!
Help m-- Here. Fuckin' put it-- I can
only get my fingers on it right now.
Let me drink one.
This one's regulation here. It's the
second hand that always fu-- Fuck!
Here. No, you--
Just pull it. Do it around my hand, dude.
Get out of the way! What are--
Fuckin' Indiana Jones
this shit around you.
"Baby, you make me wish
I had three hands."What movie's that?
- Can I have some?
- Fuckin' Total Recall, dawg.
I gotta put this shit down
on the stool. Hold up.
[Abbie] Can I have that cup?[Cam] Fuck no.
Unless you got
some money for it.
Boom! Who am I? [clicks tongue]
Fuckin' C.J.
Pam Anderson, dawg.
Big-ass titties.
You know her titties
got soda in 'em too.
Do you have that tape you got
from your uncle? The Pac-Man tape?
Check it out.
Fuckin' gunslinger. Boom.
Fuckin' Texas outlaw right here,
fuckin' pullin' pistols out and shit.
Can I please have some?
You please may not have some
because you ain't shown me no money.
May I please
have some money?
What's that fuckin' song?
Money, money, money Money
Money Fuckin'
karate kick right there.
[bottles shaking]No,
you're shaking it all up.
- No--
- Fuckin' MTV Grindand shit.
Come on, man. Put me on that shit,
I'll be an all-star, dawg.
Can you do that shit?
Oh, shit.
He's put on his glasses.
We got a fuckin' four-eyed,
3-D dickwad over here.
Oh, shit.
I'm really scared now.
I's scared that he's never
gonna show me the money.
Show me the money.
Show me the money.
Stick your dick
in honey!
Show me the money.
Show me the money.
Oh, Jesus fuck!
[TV: Pac-Man game noises
Dude, that was fuckin' insane.
I don't know if it was
because I was shakin' it,
or if you did some fuckin'
Professor X sorcery-type shit on me.
Can I please have a drink now?
You know what I'm sayin'?
Someone steps to you,
they're gonna get fucked with hard
if you can do
that mind control shit.
What is this?[Dallas sniffs]
What are you doing? Shh.
[clears throat]
What is this?
Read my mind, dude. What?
I wanna see if this mind control
shit you're doing is fuckin' legit.
I wanna know if that was
a freak accident, or if you--
Just read my fuckin' mind.
Scan me.
What am I
thinking about?
You're thinking about how you'd
like to give me a drink right now.
Come on, man.
Take this shit serious.
Tell me what
I'm fuckin' thinkin'.
Come on, man.
Here, t-t-tell me what my mind is thinkin'.
- Carmen Electra.
- Are you fuckin' serious?
That's insane, dude. You always think
about Carmen Electra.
No, I don't, dude,
because my dad got fuckin' cable now.
We got the E Network,
so Brooke Burke is my girl now.
Then why are you thinking about
Carmen Electra? I don't even know!
I haven't had a jam session to
fuckin' Carmen Electra in a while.
Can I just please have a drink?
Yeah, I guess so. Let me get you a cup.
I'll put it in this cup for you.
Don't--[soda pouring]
No! No! St-Stop.
What? [scoffs]
Come on. Please.
It's-- It's completely wasteful.
Dig in, player.
Well, did you at least
bring your uncle's Pac-Man tape?
Yeah. It's in the fuckin' Popsicle bag.
Toss it here.
[Abbie] How long is this? Like, four hours.
Four hours?
Should start in a second.
This shit's fuckin' hypnotic.
No-- Fuck. Think my uncle
just forgot to rewind it.
[cassette rewinding]
If you could play tic-tac-toe against
yourself, do you think you could win?
Who, me?
Anyone. I don't care.
Yes. You just have to be
smarter than yourself.
That makes sense.
[cassette continues rewinding]
If you could have a super power,
which would you do, invisibility or flight?
I don't know.
Fuckin' sex predator. Huh?
You gotta be naked
to be invisible, dude.
Otherwise, you're just a fuckin' pair
of pants and a shirt runnin' around.
All right, fine.
Pervert. What?
You gotta be naked
to fly too.
Why? Solar-powered body.
Oh-- Just hit "play."
Fine. We'll be in the middle of season
two and won't know where the fuck we are.
"Season two"?[VCR clicking]
[upbeat music playing]
Great. I have no idea what's happening right
now. Looks like a fuckin' Pac-Man picnic.
Dallas, what is this?
That's what happens when you
start it right in the middle.
What is this?
It's the fuckin' lost season, dude.
They never released this shit.
[TV: character babbling]
- This isn't the Jeffrey Yee tape.
- Jeffrey's a poseur, dude.
This is a Pac-Man cartoon!
My fuckin' uncle had to trade half
his two-headed snake for this.
You think you can buy this at Media Play?
Try to order that shit. Good fuckin' luck.
I mean, you got this silly tape
that's just some stupid cartoon.
This was an emergency.
Doesn't your dad like cartoons?
Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'.No, I don't.
Don't they all like cartoons? Who's "they"?
I think you know. No, I don't.
You fuckin' know, dude!
You come over here, you got no pizza,
you got nothing for me to drink.
And then this silly tape
of this cartoon!
Fuck this, dude.
Ungrateful dumb-ass!
This is supposed to be
an emergency.
Fuckin' challenges. You know what's
challenging? Your brain capacity.
You're mentally challenged.
Put the game back on.
[cassette ejecting]
Slow-ass VCR.
Man, you can go eat a butt.
[loud slam]
Don't-- You'd better not. Don't! I'm
serious.[TV: Pac-Man game noises resume]
Don't do that. I'm--
I'm serious, dude.
I'll chuck this at you. D-Don't.
I won't come back.
Man, stop fuckin'
lookin' at me like that. Hey!
Oh, you do that...
[plastic bottle snapping]
Throw this shit at you.
You gonna get fuckin' sticky.
You're gonna get sticky, dude.
Fuck that! I'm out!
Woot woot!
[TV: Pac-Man game noises
[breathing heavily]
Oh, Jesus.
[TV: Pac-Man game noises
[exhales, inhales]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises
[insect buzzing]
[buzzing continues][TV: Pac-Man game noises
[buzzing stops]
[blows][buzzing resumes]
[doorknob rattling]Did you forget your key?
[speaking foreign language]
[Abbie] Are you Janitor Jim?
[speaking foreign language]
[Abbie] What?
[speaking foreign language]
[Abbie] What?
[speaking foreign language][Abbie] Oh.
I bet you're smelling Dallas' baloney
sandwich from the refrigerator.
Could you hand me that cup real quick? I
think there's a little left in the bottom.
[speaking foreign language]
[speaking foreign language]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
I-I don't actually
live here.
[speaking foreign language]
[speaking foreign language]
You know, I actually need that
open, if that's okay.
foreign language]
What is he saying?
[woman] Gas.
Bug bomb.
[speaking foreign language]
What does that mean?[woman] Bug bomb.
Bug bomb?
[flies buzzing]
Bug bomb.
[speaking foreign language]
[speaking foreign language]
12 hours.
You have to be out
12 hours.
I'm kinda busy right now.
C-Could you come back
a little later--
[speaking foreign language]
Get up.
I am looking for eggs.
[speaking foreign language]
I'm on a challenge right now.
Could you tell...
On three.
One, two, three.
[Abbie] Well, how 'bout you
move me over by the kitchen
so I can get something
to eat that way?
Does that-- that work?
Holy shit! Bart Simpson?
[Abbie] Oh.Garbage?
I can't-- I can't
really see the TV now.
Uh... Give me a number seven.
One more.
It's gonna be pretty hard to
play the video game from here.
It'd be great if you could
just kinda swing me back.
[flies buzzing]
I'm playing this video game,
and if I beat it, I get $100,000.
So, I'll give you 10,000.
[Janitor Jim]
What are you talking about?
[Abbie] If you move me back,
then I can beat the video game.
But I can't do it from here,
so there's no money that way. See?
Keep talkin'.
I'm interested.
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[door handle turns]
Hello?[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
It's Arin Bechdel.
Dallas told me
where the key was.
I tried calling you.
My night-light went out.
It's above the sink.
It keeps going on and off,
and it just went off.
Everything just got weird
around here.
How long have you
been sitting there?
What day is it? Thursday.
What's the date? It's the 25th.
It's Christmas?
2000?Mm-mmm. Not yet.
Well, I've been sitting here
for a few hours, I guess.
Is it okay if I come in?
I brought a newspaper.
You like comics, right?
You need anything
else?[newspaper crinkling]
No, I'm okay.
[Arin sighs]
Abbie, we gotta get this together.
This is not good.
Can I just borrow the
game for one more day?
You're still playin'.
I gotta beat level 256.
Cam challenged me.
The Billy Mitchell contest?
You know about that?
It's impossible.
Level 256 is a glitch.
[scoffs] What?
Billy Mitchell can't even do it.
It's not possible, sweetheart.
No. But...
It's a publicity stunt,
the contest.
No, but I can.
I can do it.
I just need to borrow the
game for one more day.
Can I, please?
Have you ever been
to California?
Disneyland a few times.
Ch-Check this out.[rustling]
It's for my dad.
He lives out there.
I just thought he might need one.
I'm gonna give it to him.
He used to always buy
survival stuff for me and Cam.
Like these.
Yeah, he said
they'd help me.
But Mom always told me
to throw them away.
Look, maybe this will help.
There was a kid
named Jeffrey Yee... Wu.
He created a pattern.
Yeah. You know about him?
[sighs] Yeah.
My ex-boyfriend sure did.
So, you can walk
through ghosts,
but you have to use
this pattern.
And it has to be
within 1/60th of a second.
Not everybody can do it.
Do you remember
when we worked together?
Maybe I could try
that again.
Do you still
work there?
That wasn't a good week for you.
I'm a nurse now.
You're a nurse? Yeah. Cortez still
works there though.
How do you know? Hmm.
[man] Hey, the car's running.
[Arin] Cortez, I need you
to wait downstairs, please.
Smells like
Uncle Ron's crib up in here.
- Man, turn on some goddamn lights!
- I'll be down in a second.
Look at this skinny-ass punk
sitting on the couch.
What the fuck you doin',
sittin' talking to this motherfucker?
Will you wait downstairs,
Yo. Yo, what the fuck-- What's
your fuckin' name again, bro?
It's, um... some girl's shit, right?
Like Ashley, or some shit like that?
- Abner.
- Abbie.
That's right.
So, you know about
this kid's dad?
Yo, tell her.
Abbie, don't.
Well, I just know
what people told me.
He left when
I was in second grade.
Went to California
and became a truck driver.
And... he was just helping out some
high-school kid with his flat tire.
I think they were
at a rest stop or something.
And... I don't know.
He's not supposed to be in trouble.
Yeah. Keep goin'.
Well, they had to go in the restroom
to talk more about the tire warranty,
'cause it was pouring rain
Or something.
He was just trying to be helpful.
He's really not
supposed to be locked up.
He got arrested. Prison queen.
Do you know where Pleasant
Valley Correctional Facility is?
- It might be by Disneyland.
- Oh, my God. Let's go.
This gay-ass shit
up in here, man.
Cortez. Come on.
Define "gay-ass shit."
Well--Come on, tell me.
I wanna hear.
- What?
- Tell me.
What's "gay-ass shit"?
I don't know.
Maybe... Maybe kissin'.
Rubbin' they dicks together
and shit. I don't know.
So, you must
think about this a lot. Oh, come on.
So, you think about this every time
you look at all guys, or just gay guys?
Let's go.
So, question for you:
Do you think about sex
every time you look at a woman?
[Arin] Do you think about sex
every time you look at a woman?
[sighs] Can we go, please?
I'm not going anywhere
with you till you tell me.
Do you think about sex
every time you look at a woman?
No. No, I don't.
Why not? Come on, man.
Martel probably got some big motherfuckers
out here looking for me right now!
- Who the hell is that?
- Shit. Come on. Let's go!
What the fuck
is you lookin' at?
[Cortez groans]
[breathes heavily, groans]
- Abbie!
- [Cortez breathing heavily]
3-D glasses.
What the fuck is this bullshit?
[breathes heavily]
You can stay if you want.
I'm outta here.
I can't.
Look. Here, take this.
So I can keep the game?
[door opens, closes]
Y-You gotta put the key back!
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[breathing heavily]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[thunder rumbling]
[whispers] Okay.
[TV: Pac-Man game noises]
[game noises continue]
Hey, Dallas. I got a challenge.
This one--
It's a real emergency.[Dallas chattering]
It's not-- No.
I-- This is what happened. I--
[Dallas chattering,
No, no. It's--
[line: dial tone]
[mutters] No. Help me, man.
[TV: Pac-man game noises]
My father, your father...
were hanging up clothes.
My father punched your father
right in the nose.
What color was the blood?
R-E-D spells red,
and you are not it.
You're not it.
[toilet flushing]
You are it.
Pac-man musical theme playing]
Happy birthday to you
[strumming strings]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Abbie
Happy birthday to you
[wind howling outside]
That's a tie.
That's a tie.
Tie as well.
They're all ties.
What have we got? Sports.
And sports, sports.
Where's the comics, man?
"The Far Side."
"Thank God I'm saved."
Oh! Because
he saved the palm tree.
Saved the palm tree.
"Thank God I'm saved."
"Thank God I'm saved."
But I'm not saved.
I'm not saved.
You know, I-I quit!
[click][TV: Pac-Man game noises]
Hey, Cam, check this out.
[laughs][crowd cheering]
[fireworks exploding]
Here we go.
continue exploding]
[TV: Pac-Man game noises
[game noises stop][fireworks
continue exploding]
I hate you.
[fireworks continue
[crowd outside]
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three,
two, one.
[cheering][fireworks conclude]
[loud clank,
generators powering down]
[crowd outside chattering,
[scattered screaming,
clamoring continue]
[siren wailing]
[tires screech][crash]
[sirens continue wailing]
[yells, groaning]
[grunting, panting]
[sirens continue wailing]
[screams] Cam!
[door opens][hinge creaks]
[door closes][wind howling outside]
[loud thud]
Find them Kool-Aid packets?
You listening to me?
Oh. Hey, Cam.
Oh, hey, Joao.
I didn't quit.
What are you doing?
You've been sitting here
this whole time?
what time is it?
[Cam] Who knows?
Oh, man.
I've been here since
this morning, I think.
Did I miss Fourth of July?
A-Am I dead?
Where is everybody?
The bunker.
Is Dad there? Dad.
[Cam] You get the toilet paper?
Let's go. Come on, hurry up.
Is he there?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
He said that, uh,
he started walking last week.
He's just out there
looking for some snow boots.
Really? No, fucking idiot.
He's probably dead.
People are eating each other
alive out there.
It's just like I said.
I think it's my fault.[scoffs]
I broke it. What?
Level 257.
I saw it.
And it's like when we were kids,
and we were riding in the car,
and we'd see a sunset,
the light would come
through the windshield,
and Dad would say,
"That's what it looks like
when a big bomb goes off
in the distance."
And it felt like
it could hurt you.
And it did
give me headaches.
But I didn't get headaches
this time because I--
I think it's
because of the glasses.
I-It was amazing.
The... crowds of people
were cheering me on.
And there were...
colors, explosions.
It was...
It was like I was in California.
Joao! Let's go!
Give me a slice
of that pizza.
So, you're just gonna
sit here until you die?
No. I'm just gonna relax
for a little while longer.
We could use this.
Joao, take it.
What's this shit? Hey, don't touch that.
What is it? Hey, be careful.
He's sleeping.
Oh! Don't!
Damn. It actually
doesn't look that bad.Cam.
We'll just boil him up.No. I mean it.
You want a bite?
Take it.
Come on.
[laughs] Shit. You can't--
[laughing] You can't stand
up, can you?
Put... him... back.
You're not allowed
to touch him.
You wanna beat me up?
Try it! Come on!
Take it!
Come on. Stand up.
You hate me, don't you?
You've always fuckin' hated me.
Why don't you just admit it?
Say it![TV: static burst]
What the fuck is that?[static continues]
[speakers: dramatic
classical music playing]
Holy shit!
We have power?
What the fuck
are you lookin' at?
Stop fuckin' lookin' at me.
[speakers: dramatic classical
music continues playing]
What are you
fuckin' lookin' at?
Where the fuck
are you goin'?
You stop fuckin'
lookin' at me, all right?
[speakers: dramatic classical
music continues playing]
Stop fucking lookin' at me!
[mouths words]
[speakers: dramatic classical
music continues playing]
[speakers: dramatic classical
music concludes]
[banging in hallway,
[rhythmic knocking]
[doorknob rattling]
[fist slams on door]
[fist slams on door]
[fist slams on door][hinge creaking]
You made it.
[lush, orchestral
classical music playing]
[orchestral classical music
continues playing]
[classical music fades][waves crashing]
[orchestral classical music
resumes playing]
[classical music fades]