Renesse (2016) Movie Script
1
Bas, grandpa would like to talk to you
in private.
Grandpa would like to talk to you
in private.
It's for you.
Your grandpa had sex with all of them.
It's all over in a second.
You have to poke the cue stick
when it's straight.
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
Just have as much as possible...
AirbnBitch.
Think about it, man.
Whose naked video
would you like to see?
Not some anonymous porno star,
but from the girl next door.
The most beautiful girl in the class.
- Why would they let you film them?
Economics, supply and demand.
- Didn't you fail Economics?
Fuck that shit.
This is real Economics.
You jerk off on Desi from four B, right?
Sometimes.
How much would you pay
for her porno film? At least a hundred.
Trust me, you're not the only one
who wants to see her naked.
Every dude in her class wants that.
And a hundred other guys in school,
ten teachers, her uncles, neighbours...
Easy 250 men.
So, 250 times 100...
That's 25.000.
- In the pocket.
Why do you always talk about porn?
Not all chicks are by definition whores.
Brother, what's going on, man?
Are you ill?
My grandpa just died.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't keep it all inside.
If there's something wrong...
It's our holiday.
- Fucking hell, yeah.
Technically it starts on Monday, but...
She's the blonde one, right?
Lisa?
Good afternoon,
you're here for the liposuction?
Open the fucking door, lazy guinea pig.
But so the new guy
is totally hitting that?
Yes.
When she was with you, she said
she wasn't that kind of girl, right?
Doesn't it look like the dad has a boner?
If I had a wife like that,
I'd also have a boner all day.
Hey, Clan Master Six.
- Dudes, I'm in the middle of a battle.
I'll be right with you.
By the way, where's Manon?
I would like to pop her cherry tonight.
- Dude, she's 13.
She's 15 and she's already taken.
You promised her to me.
- She's dating a dude in his twenties.
Why do girls always date older guys?
- They have more money.
Women are genetically drawn to older guys.
You can't win.
- But Jol always dates older chicks.
He has a really big dick.
- How do you know?
I saw him skull fuck your mother,
dipshit.
A big dick, genetics.
I rest my case.
But we're also genetically designed
to gel as many chicks as possible.
Genetics.
This pizza is genetics, dude.
Are we still going to the Sea Horse?
- Forget it, it's empty tonight.
Not everything is deserted, right?
Your mother just called.
If she could suck my balls.
Take a shot, bitch.
Dudes, are we gonna do something else
besides gaming all week?
Can't we come up with something better?
Dude.
- What?
You're touching your dick.
- But I'm not moving my hand.
That's allowed.
If you don't move your hand, it's allowed.
Dude.
- What?
You're moving.
- I just adjusted my hand.
I see you doing it.
- Are you watching pom or me?
They're such losers, look at it.
Is it already two o'clock?
Van Swaffel.
- Right, for the adoption.
The will.
- Right, right.
Right, so, the deceased.
Right, I have something here...
Well, there are a lot of legal terms...
...but it says that the grandpa, Jack...
...wants his grandchildren
Bas and Thijs to shoot his ashes...
...into the air with a flare
on the beach of Renesse.
The travel expenses will be paid
with the money of the inheritance.
I'm not available this summer.
I already have some plans.
But this is his final wish.
Yes, but can't someone else go?
Well, it says Bas and Thijs.
I'm not gonna share a tent
with your cousin.
It's only for a few days,
it's not that bad.
Isn't Renesse that hedonistic tuck town
at the beach in Zeeland?
Dudes, we always hang out here.
You know what?
My grandpa was right.
We have to go for it.
If we stay here, we're sure
nothing's gonna happen.
There have to be girls who want us.
YOLO, man.
We're not the best Casanova's,
but we're smart enough to make a plan.
I mean, if we don't try it,
it's never gonna happen.
YOLO?
- You Only Live Once.
Nobody uses that anymore.
No, that's so uncool.
It doesn't matter.
Check this.
Why don't we just go to the Time Out,
same shit.
I don't think we will get much action here
for a while.
He should have been here
ten minutes ago.
Yo, homies.
Why did you rent this car
with grandpa's money?
I had some debts I had to pay.
It's for on the barbecue.
Dude, no fucking way will I sit in a car
with a chicken in it.
Dude, play some other song.
- What?
Some other song.
- Sure, homie.
Here, dude.
Check my shit.
Hold on.
I'm busy with you every day
bitch shit
I don't even do Netflix
I only drink still drinks
you heifer listen to me
or you won't fix shit
every day in the studio
I'm still Cupid
cheap
there's women at my door
but I don't answer, bitch
Man, this really sucks.
FUCKING WHORE
Long live free expression.
Do you guys know where the reception is?
Yes.
The reception?
- Yes.
Sure. The reception is that way
and you can park at the left.
Cool T-shirt, man.
Cute dog.
No problem, dude.
These guys are awesome.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Hello, sir.
We have a reservation.
Customers.
Cash payment in advance,
500 euros deposit.
No campfire, no loud music.
Don't shower longer than five minutes.
Don't crap besides the toilet.
Take your own trash with you...
...and no sex under the showers.
Or jerking off.
Gross.
Hot.
She's quite a cheap little slut,
but she can suck me off.
That cheap little slut is my niece.
Let me see.
Spot 292 is yours.
Faggots.
Jesus, what a morons here.
At least we're comfortably close
to the toilets.
And that's a good thing?
- We will see all ladies come by.
Do you know how this works?
Dude, hold on.
Can't you guys do some shopping?
Dude, check this out.
Are they tired from eating each other?
- Dude.
You really watch loo much porn.
- You should go to them.
Why me'?
Because you're my wingman.
- But you're my wingman.
I saw those chicks first,
so you're my wingman.
What do I say?
- Use some pick-up line or something.
Dude, that's way too cheesy.
It's not about what you say,
but how you say it.
But how?
Show confidence, homie.
If you believe in yourself,
then those chicks will believe in you.
They're watching.
You're showing confidence.
Sure.
Good.
Then you can go yourself.
I'll back you up later, okay?
Okay, IKEA boy.
Dude, what do you want?
I was wondering if you guys...
...believe in love at first sight.
Or do you want me to walk by
one more time?
Let me guess. You want to have a threesome
and you only need two more girls?
Or did you come to ask how we wanted
our eggs: fried or fertilized?
Look who we have here.
Humpiy Dum pty.
- Is he bothering you, ladies?
I was just looking for the toilet
and I asked...
But you can use our toilet?
Thanks, I'll keep looking.
- No, no.
Dudes...
- That way.
Well, I...
- Go ahead.
We're all dudes together, right?
Thanks man, but I no longer need to pee.
But you need to wash yourself.
I had those chicks in my pocket,
but those guys saw me as a threat.
A what?
- A threat.
I was a threat to them.
A threat, you mean.
Have you turned gay or what?
I thought you'd buy vodka?
- This was on special offer.
The fourth came for free.
Why do we always have to booze it up'?
Dude, you're acting like a pussy already.
- Dude, I'm drinking, alright.
We're always hammered
before we even meet a chick.
You have to find that sweet spot
between being brave and hammered.
The D-spot.
But how do you know where it is?
That's a matter of training.
You have to drink a lot and often.
Alright, homies.
I had them printed.
The black one is for anal sex.
Listen, you faggot.
This man won't do it with a condom.
You won't?
- No.
Wait until you have chlamydia
and you have to be seated all day...
...while your balls are covered
with festering spots.
You won't dare go to the pool,
because people will see...
...scabies running on your upper legs.
Faggots.
Can't we go to some other place?
Want some?
Hello, ladies.
Hi, man.
- Hi, Mike. Come on in.
Hey, Lil' Kleine.
My homeboy.
I need to crap.
Funky song, man.
Let's drink something.
- No, I think I'm past my D-spot.
Hi, guys.
A shot?
Guys?
Here we go.
That's that little slut from the campsite.
- Give me a break.
Go on, then.
I'll look her up on Snapchat.
- Snapchat is for pussies.
She's standing right over there.
Go to her.
Go.
I'm going.
You're still standing here.
What do I say to her?
- The first thing you think of.
Didn't you arrive at our campsite today?
- That's right.
Rosalie.
- Bas.
We've organized a beach party. My uncle
let me organize it all by myself...
...so I booked this awesome act
and arranged everything.
Will you come too?
Sure.
Why don't I help you with those flyers?
Dude, is your butt plug stuck?
Do you have some News h Km ma'?
Well, well.
Harry Potter in the house.
Why don't you introduce us?
I saw you earlier at the campsite.
You have a nice appearance.
Thanks.
- Shots.
How cool of you to organise a beach party.
Who's coming?
We have DJ Rocky
and there will also be a special act.
Who?
- That's still a secret.
A secret?
Even to me?
Music to me is a way of release, you know?
I've been through a lot of shit.
I lived on the streets for a while...
...I lost friends to dope.
I put all this in my lyrics.
Out of the way, fatso.
The post-modern paradigm
has always been subject...
to an unstable ontological principle.
I mean, when there is no longer
an objective reality...
...how can one even speak of facts at all?
Everything is relative, man.
- Exactly.
Is everything okay?
You know...
You are really...
Have you been fighting?
Those guys asked for it.
Do you want to come to the beach
with us?
Yo, dude.
Come.
AM AT THE BEACH WITH CHICKS
WILL TEXT LOCATION SHORTLY
Thijs.
Let's fuck.
Let's go home.
Hi, guys.
Booze, awesome.
Here you go.
I'm the one who came along
with those bitches.
So you came along with those bitches?
Maybe we should ask those bitches
if they even want you here.
Can Humpty Dumply stay or not?
No.
Piss off, idiot.
Is this seat taken?
May I sit down?
Why are you at the beach so early?
I'm jogging here.
- That's great.
I do that every morning.
I want to keep in shape, you know?
Oui .
- Who?
Me.
Who else?
You're funny.
Are you here by yourself?
- No, my parents have a house here.
And you?
I'm here with friends, but...
...I'm really here to gain inspiration
for my songs.
I'm a rapper.
- That's brilliant.
I like rap and hip hop music.
Maybe I know one of your songs?
Well, I'm a bit underground.
The somewhat tougher shit, you know.
From the streets.
I follow completely.
I like Aesop, Phat Kat, Stevie Stone.
Exactly...
...but my style has a bit more flow.
People in Japan download me a lot.
'Is, Baa
Ne, Me. Where axe you'?
We're looking for you everywhere.
Where are you?
I got laid.
- What did you say'?
I got laid.
I got laid.
Bon apptit .
So you can't remember who
or what she looked like?
Then how do you know you've fucked?
Dude, that's gross.
Is that crap on the outside?
Fucking is fucking.
Luca, where have you been?
How are you?
Awesome.
You?
Yeah, great.
Guys, Master Luca has a date.
- With your right hand?
No, Gollum, with Emmanuelle.
She's from France or something.
She's fucking hot.
- The picture was taken this morning.
Looks genuine.
-of course.
This is the real world, game boy.
- Why don't you take her to the beach?
Dude, I'm not gonna introduce her to you.
Find your own chick, man...
...to puke all over her.
Hi.
Sorry about yesterday.
I had a few drinks too many.
I noticed, yes.
I should pay more attention
to my D-spot, I suppose.
People are drinking all the time
lo make things look better.
I don't really need alcohol
to see what's fun.
That's smooth.
Why don't you and I
have a non-alcoholic drink tonight?
Half past five at the reception then?
- That's fine.
SORRY MOST SHOWERS ARE BROKEN
YOU CAN USE MINE IF YOU WAN ROSALIE
WHERE ARE YOU
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
What the fuck are you doing?
Goddamned.
Come here.
I'll fucking kill you.
Faggots.
Sorry.
Dudes...
- Look, a homo sapiens.
Back to your roots.
- Guys...
You are so early.
I' still have to change.
Do you want something to drink?
My parents are not at home.
No, thanks.
I'm detoxing, so...
0kay,L"
Did you know Lil' Kleine is performing
in Goes tomorrow?
No.
Yes, I mean.
I saw the poster.
He's so cool.
Yes.
Shall we?
At least you got to see her naked.
At least you got to see her naked.
The whole campsite saw me naked.
- Look at the bright side.
I had the hots for a friend's mother once.
Extremely hot and divorced.
A real milf, you know.
One time, when I stayed over at his,
I snuck into her bed.
She was naked, I was naked.
So hot.
In the end, a restraining order
was imposed on me until 2020.
And you tell us this because...
- Face it...
you never had a chance.
It's time to move forward.
There's more than enough chicks.
I never would have thought
I'd say this, but he's got a point there.
There's a spot right there.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
This is a great spot...
...with a wonderful view of the sea.
What's that?
That's Dickje.
I took that tattoo
when she was run over.
I miss her, man.
Tits.
Wanna do a James Bond?
Daniel Craig, man.
Wail.
How are you?
Good.
Weren't you running around
at that campsite or what?
Lonneke.
- Maaike.
Baa.
Are you enjoying the sun?
Say, why don't you come
have a drink with us?
What are you doing?
I'm just rubbing suntan lotion
on your skin.
A real gentleman.
Will you please rub it all over my body?
And there I sat with Snoop Dogg
and his homies, smoking dope in a Jacuzzi.
He's such a chill guy.
Yes, of course.
- 0ui, super.
Say. .-
Do you fancy a drink at my place?
My parents won't be home in two hours.
Yes, I'd like that.
Come on, let's go.
We're going someplace else.
Wait up, man.
Won't you introduce me?
This is Danny Yellow and TJD.
Two colleagues from the scene.
- You are rappers loo? Bonjour.
Dude, why are you waving like that?
I have heard so much about you.
Nice to actually see you.
What did he tell you about me?
- Not that you're blind.
Well, she's blind, right?
- Shut up.
You shut up, you fat fake rapper.
Let go off me.
Another sip?
Nice.
Are you going to punish me now?
-or do you want to be punished?
I don't think we should be doing this.
Ali's going well.
THE UNIVERSE
So when are we going to eat that thing?
You're a cold-hearted person, Daniel.
Cold-hearted.
Come.
Here, because he startled you.
Really?
Chicken nuggets?
That cousin of yours
is the biggest fucking dickhead ever.
Yes.
Maybe all this wasn't
such a great idea after all.
Dude, this is your chance.
Chicks always want to fuck
when they' re sad.
Dude, I have no chance whatsoever
with her.
Fuck it, I'm gonna help you.
Is everything okay?
What's the matter, sis?
- Tomorrow's the beach party.
Jody Bernal just cancelled.
- And that's bad news?
We have a lot of repairs to do
that we can't afford and now...
...the campsite will go bankrupt.
What if we can arrange something?
- With Jody Bernal?
Lil' Kleine for instance.
- But how?
I know him.
What do you think?
Kleine speaking.
This is Luca, man.
What's up?
- Chill, man.
A friend of mine is in deep shit.
- What's happened?
She has organized a beach party
at the beach of Renesse...
...but her main act has just cancelled.
Can't you stand in for him?
Of course, old guy.
Nice.
I'll text you all the details.
That's been taken care of.
You're a hero.
You have to thank him.
I know them through him.
I'm going to print new flyers right away.
Dude, what the fuck?
- Did you see how she looked at you?
You're going to get laid
after that concert.
After what concert?
Dressed up as Lil' Kleine?
Why do you say these stupid things?
Dude, I'm only trying to help.
Relax.
Do you know how you could help me?
Just keep your mouth shut for once.
What kind of friend are you?
- Not someone who's promising Lil' Kleine.
Yo, homies.
What's wrong?
Can I do something? Some favour'?
Dude, didn't I tell you
to stay away from me?
We are not your friends.
I've really had it with the both of you.
Faggots.
I've been thinking.
Why don't we go get Lil' Kleine for real?
I mean, you said it yourself:
no guts, no glory.
YOU), man.
But how?
You know I don't know him.
- Dude, we should at least try.
Go figure.
If Lil' Kleine appears on stage,
you'll have every chick in your pocket.
He doesn't answer his phone.
- Just when you need the asshole.
Relax, there's an Uber on its way.
It will be here in two hours.
The concert will be long over by then.
The bus won't go in another hour.
That's shit.
We have one option left.
There's a rental nearby.
These batteries are gay.
Call these guys.
That's tricky with no reception.
Danielle, can't you flash
that little white ass of yours?
Please, do get in.
Do you want some?
Or you?
It's really good.
You?
No.
- No, thank you.
Relax.
Sir?
I got it.
Where are you guys going in Goes?
We're going to The Myth.
- To the pop stage in The Myth?
That's fantastic.
Amazing concerts.
It's just a shame that they serve
that cheap beer.
Pretty tasteless, if you ask me.
Anyway, is there a good band tonight
playing some heavy rock music?
Sir...
- I've often had those hot chicks...
Pay attention to the road.
We'll continue in a minute.
I need to take a leak.
100% DESIGNATED DRIVING
0% ALCOHOL
THE MYTH
Lil' Kleine's concert?
It was great.
Clan Master Six?
Stage door.
At the back, I believe.
Kleine, wait.
No.
Hi there, sweet thing.
Do you want to play with us?
Can't you make something up?
Just think.
- Dude, what?
It's best to be honest.
Yes.
Hey, Bas.
What's wrong?
We went to Goes to arrange the concert,
but things didn't work out that well.
I just want to be honest to you.
I don't know Lil' Kleine at all.
Hold on.
So...
...Lil' Kleine won't be here tonight?
No, we didn't succeed.
You fucking asshole.
Why do you promise things like this?
Why did you let me arrange everything?
I twittered about it.
It's a fucking catastrophe.
Now we will certainly go bankrupt.
Please get out of here, asshole.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Bas, dude.
Are you okay?
We're going to launch that flare
and leave.
Those bastards.
Don't do anything stupid.
Yo, dipshits.
It's that faggot.
- Let's get them.
Dudes?
Over there.
I see them.
The car.
- Where's Thijs?
Are you a bad boy?
I'm a very bad boy.
Thijs?
- Thijs is not available right now.
I know where he is.
We have to go.
We need the car.
You have to drive, man.
You guys go without me.
There they are.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.
Are you saying this under pressure?
- We need you, homie.
Which way?
- To the left.
Sorry.
Into reverse.
Go back.
Sorry, grandpa.
Rest in peace.
Idiots, what are you doing?
- Relax, old man. I have insurance.
RECEPTION
Goddamned, my shed.
It's time to go now, boys.
It's a good thing those guys
get the blame, right?
Yes.
- Sure thing.
This Renesse disappointed me a bit anyway.
Everything was pretty filthy.
There are new Game of Thrones episodes
online.
Awesome.
- My place tonight on the video projector?
Okay.
That Daenerys chick is fucking hot.
- Fucking hot.
It would have been cool
to see Lil' Kleine.
Jorik, you mean?
I'll get you some tickets someday.
He's a buddy of mine.
Jorik lives in my street.
We always play Mario Kart together.
Why didn't you say this earlier?
We've busted our asses to have him
at the party.
Pam')
What pawn?
LIL' KLEINE LIVE
SATURDAY, SECOND OF JUNE
Hello, Renesse.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
are we in a good mood?
See you in a minute.
Bas, come here, son.
What was that all about?
Mike's dad's insurance company will pay
all damage including all repair work.
Do you have a break in an minute?
Awesome job, man.
This is so cool.
How did you get him here?
That's us rappers, you know.
I know him, he knows me.
Do you wanna dance with me?
It's me, Luca.
- Good evening.
I should tell you something.
I'm not that popular in Japan
and I do not go running every morning.
I knew it.
I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.
It was not cool of you
to lie to your friends...
...and that you were ashamed of me.
How can I be ashamed
of the most beautiful chick on earth?
It was kinda sexy that you, on me...
But next time, think about my needs too.
Alright?
I hacked your location.
I hope you don't mind?
It's a good party.
You know...
You're so different
from all the other girls.
With you, I can really be myself.
That feels so good.
Really?
You're saying this?
Okay, bitch.
Come here.
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
Really?
Seriously?
Kidding.
Am I too heavy?
My back is burned.
That suntan lotion must have been expired.
Give her a kiss.
Well done.
Walk now, you pig.
GREETINGS FROM RENESSE
Bas, grandpa would like to talk to you
in private.
Grandpa would like to talk to you
in private.
It's for you.
Your grandpa had sex with all of them.
It's all over in a second.
You have to poke the cue stick
when it's straight.
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
Just have as much as possible...
AirbnBitch.
Think about it, man.
Whose naked video
would you like to see?
Not some anonymous porno star,
but from the girl next door.
The most beautiful girl in the class.
- Why would they let you film them?
Economics, supply and demand.
- Didn't you fail Economics?
Fuck that shit.
This is real Economics.
You jerk off on Desi from four B, right?
Sometimes.
How much would you pay
for her porno film? At least a hundred.
Trust me, you're not the only one
who wants to see her naked.
Every dude in her class wants that.
And a hundred other guys in school,
ten teachers, her uncles, neighbours...
Easy 250 men.
So, 250 times 100...
That's 25.000.
- In the pocket.
Why do you always talk about porn?
Not all chicks are by definition whores.
Brother, what's going on, man?
Are you ill?
My grandpa just died.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't keep it all inside.
If there's something wrong...
It's our holiday.
- Fucking hell, yeah.
Technically it starts on Monday, but...
She's the blonde one, right?
Lisa?
Good afternoon,
you're here for the liposuction?
Open the fucking door, lazy guinea pig.
But so the new guy
is totally hitting that?
Yes.
When she was with you, she said
she wasn't that kind of girl, right?
Doesn't it look like the dad has a boner?
If I had a wife like that,
I'd also have a boner all day.
Hey, Clan Master Six.
- Dudes, I'm in the middle of a battle.
I'll be right with you.
By the way, where's Manon?
I would like to pop her cherry tonight.
- Dude, she's 13.
She's 15 and she's already taken.
You promised her to me.
- She's dating a dude in his twenties.
Why do girls always date older guys?
- They have more money.
Women are genetically drawn to older guys.
You can't win.
- But Jol always dates older chicks.
He has a really big dick.
- How do you know?
I saw him skull fuck your mother,
dipshit.
A big dick, genetics.
I rest my case.
But we're also genetically designed
to gel as many chicks as possible.
Genetics.
This pizza is genetics, dude.
Are we still going to the Sea Horse?
- Forget it, it's empty tonight.
Not everything is deserted, right?
Your mother just called.
If she could suck my balls.
Take a shot, bitch.
Dudes, are we gonna do something else
besides gaming all week?
Can't we come up with something better?
Dude.
- What?
You're touching your dick.
- But I'm not moving my hand.
That's allowed.
If you don't move your hand, it's allowed.
Dude.
- What?
You're moving.
- I just adjusted my hand.
I see you doing it.
- Are you watching pom or me?
They're such losers, look at it.
Is it already two o'clock?
Van Swaffel.
- Right, for the adoption.
The will.
- Right, right.
Right, so, the deceased.
Right, I have something here...
Well, there are a lot of legal terms...
...but it says that the grandpa, Jack...
...wants his grandchildren
Bas and Thijs to shoot his ashes...
...into the air with a flare
on the beach of Renesse.
The travel expenses will be paid
with the money of the inheritance.
I'm not available this summer.
I already have some plans.
But this is his final wish.
Yes, but can't someone else go?
Well, it says Bas and Thijs.
I'm not gonna share a tent
with your cousin.
It's only for a few days,
it's not that bad.
Isn't Renesse that hedonistic tuck town
at the beach in Zeeland?
Dudes, we always hang out here.
You know what?
My grandpa was right.
We have to go for it.
If we stay here, we're sure
nothing's gonna happen.
There have to be girls who want us.
YOLO, man.
We're not the best Casanova's,
but we're smart enough to make a plan.
I mean, if we don't try it,
it's never gonna happen.
YOLO?
- You Only Live Once.
Nobody uses that anymore.
No, that's so uncool.
It doesn't matter.
Check this.
Why don't we just go to the Time Out,
same shit.
I don't think we will get much action here
for a while.
He should have been here
ten minutes ago.
Yo, homies.
Why did you rent this car
with grandpa's money?
I had some debts I had to pay.
It's for on the barbecue.
Dude, no fucking way will I sit in a car
with a chicken in it.
Dude, play some other song.
- What?
Some other song.
- Sure, homie.
Here, dude.
Check my shit.
Hold on.
I'm busy with you every day
bitch shit
I don't even do Netflix
I only drink still drinks
you heifer listen to me
or you won't fix shit
every day in the studio
I'm still Cupid
cheap
there's women at my door
but I don't answer, bitch
Man, this really sucks.
FUCKING WHORE
Long live free expression.
Do you guys know where the reception is?
Yes.
The reception?
- Yes.
Sure. The reception is that way
and you can park at the left.
Cool T-shirt, man.
Cute dog.
No problem, dude.
These guys are awesome.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Hello, sir.
We have a reservation.
Customers.
Cash payment in advance,
500 euros deposit.
No campfire, no loud music.
Don't shower longer than five minutes.
Don't crap besides the toilet.
Take your own trash with you...
...and no sex under the showers.
Or jerking off.
Gross.
Hot.
She's quite a cheap little slut,
but she can suck me off.
That cheap little slut is my niece.
Let me see.
Spot 292 is yours.
Faggots.
Jesus, what a morons here.
At least we're comfortably close
to the toilets.
And that's a good thing?
- We will see all ladies come by.
Do you know how this works?
Dude, hold on.
Can't you guys do some shopping?
Dude, check this out.
Are they tired from eating each other?
- Dude.
You really watch loo much porn.
- You should go to them.
Why me'?
Because you're my wingman.
- But you're my wingman.
I saw those chicks first,
so you're my wingman.
What do I say?
- Use some pick-up line or something.
Dude, that's way too cheesy.
It's not about what you say,
but how you say it.
But how?
Show confidence, homie.
If you believe in yourself,
then those chicks will believe in you.
They're watching.
You're showing confidence.
Sure.
Good.
Then you can go yourself.
I'll back you up later, okay?
Okay, IKEA boy.
Dude, what do you want?
I was wondering if you guys...
...believe in love at first sight.
Or do you want me to walk by
one more time?
Let me guess. You want to have a threesome
and you only need two more girls?
Or did you come to ask how we wanted
our eggs: fried or fertilized?
Look who we have here.
Humpiy Dum pty.
- Is he bothering you, ladies?
I was just looking for the toilet
and I asked...
But you can use our toilet?
Thanks, I'll keep looking.
- No, no.
Dudes...
- That way.
Well, I...
- Go ahead.
We're all dudes together, right?
Thanks man, but I no longer need to pee.
But you need to wash yourself.
I had those chicks in my pocket,
but those guys saw me as a threat.
A what?
- A threat.
I was a threat to them.
A threat, you mean.
Have you turned gay or what?
I thought you'd buy vodka?
- This was on special offer.
The fourth came for free.
Why do we always have to booze it up'?
Dude, you're acting like a pussy already.
- Dude, I'm drinking, alright.
We're always hammered
before we even meet a chick.
You have to find that sweet spot
between being brave and hammered.
The D-spot.
But how do you know where it is?
That's a matter of training.
You have to drink a lot and often.
Alright, homies.
I had them printed.
The black one is for anal sex.
Listen, you faggot.
This man won't do it with a condom.
You won't?
- No.
Wait until you have chlamydia
and you have to be seated all day...
...while your balls are covered
with festering spots.
You won't dare go to the pool,
because people will see...
...scabies running on your upper legs.
Faggots.
Can't we go to some other place?
Want some?
Hello, ladies.
Hi, man.
- Hi, Mike. Come on in.
Hey, Lil' Kleine.
My homeboy.
I need to crap.
Funky song, man.
Let's drink something.
- No, I think I'm past my D-spot.
Hi, guys.
A shot?
Guys?
Here we go.
That's that little slut from the campsite.
- Give me a break.
Go on, then.
I'll look her up on Snapchat.
- Snapchat is for pussies.
She's standing right over there.
Go to her.
Go.
I'm going.
You're still standing here.
What do I say to her?
- The first thing you think of.
Didn't you arrive at our campsite today?
- That's right.
Rosalie.
- Bas.
We've organized a beach party. My uncle
let me organize it all by myself...
...so I booked this awesome act
and arranged everything.
Will you come too?
Sure.
Why don't I help you with those flyers?
Dude, is your butt plug stuck?
Do you have some News h Km ma'?
Well, well.
Harry Potter in the house.
Why don't you introduce us?
I saw you earlier at the campsite.
You have a nice appearance.
Thanks.
- Shots.
How cool of you to organise a beach party.
Who's coming?
We have DJ Rocky
and there will also be a special act.
Who?
- That's still a secret.
A secret?
Even to me?
Music to me is a way of release, you know?
I've been through a lot of shit.
I lived on the streets for a while...
...I lost friends to dope.
I put all this in my lyrics.
Out of the way, fatso.
The post-modern paradigm
has always been subject...
to an unstable ontological principle.
I mean, when there is no longer
an objective reality...
...how can one even speak of facts at all?
Everything is relative, man.
- Exactly.
Is everything okay?
You know...
You are really...
Have you been fighting?
Those guys asked for it.
Do you want to come to the beach
with us?
Yo, dude.
Come.
AM AT THE BEACH WITH CHICKS
WILL TEXT LOCATION SHORTLY
Thijs.
Let's fuck.
Let's go home.
Hi, guys.
Booze, awesome.
Here you go.
I'm the one who came along
with those bitches.
So you came along with those bitches?
Maybe we should ask those bitches
if they even want you here.
Can Humpty Dumply stay or not?
No.
Piss off, idiot.
Is this seat taken?
May I sit down?
Why are you at the beach so early?
I'm jogging here.
- That's great.
I do that every morning.
I want to keep in shape, you know?
Oui .
- Who?
Me.
Who else?
You're funny.
Are you here by yourself?
- No, my parents have a house here.
And you?
I'm here with friends, but...
...I'm really here to gain inspiration
for my songs.
I'm a rapper.
- That's brilliant.
I like rap and hip hop music.
Maybe I know one of your songs?
Well, I'm a bit underground.
The somewhat tougher shit, you know.
From the streets.
I follow completely.
I like Aesop, Phat Kat, Stevie Stone.
Exactly...
...but my style has a bit more flow.
People in Japan download me a lot.
'Is, Baa
Ne, Me. Where axe you'?
We're looking for you everywhere.
Where are you?
I got laid.
- What did you say'?
I got laid.
I got laid.
Bon apptit .
So you can't remember who
or what she looked like?
Then how do you know you've fucked?
Dude, that's gross.
Is that crap on the outside?
Fucking is fucking.
Luca, where have you been?
How are you?
Awesome.
You?
Yeah, great.
Guys, Master Luca has a date.
- With your right hand?
No, Gollum, with Emmanuelle.
She's from France or something.
She's fucking hot.
- The picture was taken this morning.
Looks genuine.
-of course.
This is the real world, game boy.
- Why don't you take her to the beach?
Dude, I'm not gonna introduce her to you.
Find your own chick, man...
...to puke all over her.
Hi.
Sorry about yesterday.
I had a few drinks too many.
I noticed, yes.
I should pay more attention
to my D-spot, I suppose.
People are drinking all the time
lo make things look better.
I don't really need alcohol
to see what's fun.
That's smooth.
Why don't you and I
have a non-alcoholic drink tonight?
Half past five at the reception then?
- That's fine.
SORRY MOST SHOWERS ARE BROKEN
YOU CAN USE MINE IF YOU WAN ROSALIE
WHERE ARE YOU
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
What the fuck are you doing?
Goddamned.
Come here.
I'll fucking kill you.
Faggots.
Sorry.
Dudes...
- Look, a homo sapiens.
Back to your roots.
- Guys...
You are so early.
I' still have to change.
Do you want something to drink?
My parents are not at home.
No, thanks.
I'm detoxing, so...
0kay,L"
Did you know Lil' Kleine is performing
in Goes tomorrow?
No.
Yes, I mean.
I saw the poster.
He's so cool.
Yes.
Shall we?
At least you got to see her naked.
At least you got to see her naked.
The whole campsite saw me naked.
- Look at the bright side.
I had the hots for a friend's mother once.
Extremely hot and divorced.
A real milf, you know.
One time, when I stayed over at his,
I snuck into her bed.
She was naked, I was naked.
So hot.
In the end, a restraining order
was imposed on me until 2020.
And you tell us this because...
- Face it...
you never had a chance.
It's time to move forward.
There's more than enough chicks.
I never would have thought
I'd say this, but he's got a point there.
There's a spot right there.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
This is a great spot...
...with a wonderful view of the sea.
What's that?
That's Dickje.
I took that tattoo
when she was run over.
I miss her, man.
Tits.
Wanna do a James Bond?
Daniel Craig, man.
Wail.
How are you?
Good.
Weren't you running around
at that campsite or what?
Lonneke.
- Maaike.
Baa.
Are you enjoying the sun?
Say, why don't you come
have a drink with us?
What are you doing?
I'm just rubbing suntan lotion
on your skin.
A real gentleman.
Will you please rub it all over my body?
And there I sat with Snoop Dogg
and his homies, smoking dope in a Jacuzzi.
He's such a chill guy.
Yes, of course.
- 0ui, super.
Say. .-
Do you fancy a drink at my place?
My parents won't be home in two hours.
Yes, I'd like that.
Come on, let's go.
We're going someplace else.
Wait up, man.
Won't you introduce me?
This is Danny Yellow and TJD.
Two colleagues from the scene.
- You are rappers loo? Bonjour.
Dude, why are you waving like that?
I have heard so much about you.
Nice to actually see you.
What did he tell you about me?
- Not that you're blind.
Well, she's blind, right?
- Shut up.
You shut up, you fat fake rapper.
Let go off me.
Another sip?
Nice.
Are you going to punish me now?
-or do you want to be punished?
I don't think we should be doing this.
Ali's going well.
THE UNIVERSE
So when are we going to eat that thing?
You're a cold-hearted person, Daniel.
Cold-hearted.
Come.
Here, because he startled you.
Really?
Chicken nuggets?
That cousin of yours
is the biggest fucking dickhead ever.
Yes.
Maybe all this wasn't
such a great idea after all.
Dude, this is your chance.
Chicks always want to fuck
when they' re sad.
Dude, I have no chance whatsoever
with her.
Fuck it, I'm gonna help you.
Is everything okay?
What's the matter, sis?
- Tomorrow's the beach party.
Jody Bernal just cancelled.
- And that's bad news?
We have a lot of repairs to do
that we can't afford and now...
...the campsite will go bankrupt.
What if we can arrange something?
- With Jody Bernal?
Lil' Kleine for instance.
- But how?
I know him.
What do you think?
Kleine speaking.
This is Luca, man.
What's up?
- Chill, man.
A friend of mine is in deep shit.
- What's happened?
She has organized a beach party
at the beach of Renesse...
...but her main act has just cancelled.
Can't you stand in for him?
Of course, old guy.
Nice.
I'll text you all the details.
That's been taken care of.
You're a hero.
You have to thank him.
I know them through him.
I'm going to print new flyers right away.
Dude, what the fuck?
- Did you see how she looked at you?
You're going to get laid
after that concert.
After what concert?
Dressed up as Lil' Kleine?
Why do you say these stupid things?
Dude, I'm only trying to help.
Relax.
Do you know how you could help me?
Just keep your mouth shut for once.
What kind of friend are you?
- Not someone who's promising Lil' Kleine.
Yo, homies.
What's wrong?
Can I do something? Some favour'?
Dude, didn't I tell you
to stay away from me?
We are not your friends.
I've really had it with the both of you.
Faggots.
I've been thinking.
Why don't we go get Lil' Kleine for real?
I mean, you said it yourself:
no guts, no glory.
YOU), man.
But how?
You know I don't know him.
- Dude, we should at least try.
Go figure.
If Lil' Kleine appears on stage,
you'll have every chick in your pocket.
He doesn't answer his phone.
- Just when you need the asshole.
Relax, there's an Uber on its way.
It will be here in two hours.
The concert will be long over by then.
The bus won't go in another hour.
That's shit.
We have one option left.
There's a rental nearby.
These batteries are gay.
Call these guys.
That's tricky with no reception.
Danielle, can't you flash
that little white ass of yours?
Please, do get in.
Do you want some?
Or you?
It's really good.
You?
No.
- No, thank you.
Relax.
Sir?
I got it.
Where are you guys going in Goes?
We're going to The Myth.
- To the pop stage in The Myth?
That's fantastic.
Amazing concerts.
It's just a shame that they serve
that cheap beer.
Pretty tasteless, if you ask me.
Anyway, is there a good band tonight
playing some heavy rock music?
Sir...
- I've often had those hot chicks...
Pay attention to the road.
We'll continue in a minute.
I need to take a leak.
100% DESIGNATED DRIVING
0% ALCOHOL
THE MYTH
Lil' Kleine's concert?
It was great.
Clan Master Six?
Stage door.
At the back, I believe.
Kleine, wait.
No.
Hi there, sweet thing.
Do you want to play with us?
Can't you make something up?
Just think.
- Dude, what?
It's best to be honest.
Yes.
Hey, Bas.
What's wrong?
We went to Goes to arrange the concert,
but things didn't work out that well.
I just want to be honest to you.
I don't know Lil' Kleine at all.
Hold on.
So...
...Lil' Kleine won't be here tonight?
No, we didn't succeed.
You fucking asshole.
Why do you promise things like this?
Why did you let me arrange everything?
I twittered about it.
It's a fucking catastrophe.
Now we will certainly go bankrupt.
Please get out of here, asshole.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Bas, dude.
Are you okay?
We're going to launch that flare
and leave.
Those bastards.
Don't do anything stupid.
Yo, dipshits.
It's that faggot.
- Let's get them.
Dudes?
Over there.
I see them.
The car.
- Where's Thijs?
Are you a bad boy?
I'm a very bad boy.
Thijs?
- Thijs is not available right now.
I know where he is.
We have to go.
We need the car.
You have to drive, man.
You guys go without me.
There they are.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.
Are you saying this under pressure?
- We need you, homie.
Which way?
- To the left.
Sorry.
Into reverse.
Go back.
Sorry, grandpa.
Rest in peace.
Idiots, what are you doing?
- Relax, old man. I have insurance.
RECEPTION
Goddamned, my shed.
It's time to go now, boys.
It's a good thing those guys
get the blame, right?
Yes.
- Sure thing.
This Renesse disappointed me a bit anyway.
Everything was pretty filthy.
There are new Game of Thrones episodes
online.
Awesome.
- My place tonight on the video projector?
Okay.
That Daenerys chick is fucking hot.
- Fucking hot.
It would have been cool
to see Lil' Kleine.
Jorik, you mean?
I'll get you some tickets someday.
He's a buddy of mine.
Jorik lives in my street.
We always play Mario Kart together.
Why didn't you say this earlier?
We've busted our asses to have him
at the party.
Pam')
What pawn?
LIL' KLEINE LIVE
SATURDAY, SECOND OF JUNE
Hello, Renesse.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
are we in a good mood?
See you in a minute.
Bas, come here, son.
What was that all about?
Mike's dad's insurance company will pay
all damage including all repair work.
Do you have a break in an minute?
Awesome job, man.
This is so cool.
How did you get him here?
That's us rappers, you know.
I know him, he knows me.
Do you wanna dance with me?
It's me, Luca.
- Good evening.
I should tell you something.
I'm not that popular in Japan
and I do not go running every morning.
I knew it.
I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.
It was not cool of you
to lie to your friends...
...and that you were ashamed of me.
How can I be ashamed
of the most beautiful chick on earth?
It was kinda sexy that you, on me...
But next time, think about my needs too.
Alright?
I hacked your location.
I hope you don't mind?
It's a good party.
You know...
You're so different
from all the other girls.
With you, I can really be myself.
That feels so good.
Really?
You're saying this?
Okay, bitch.
Come here.
You have to pour the milk
when it's fresh.
Really?
Seriously?
Kidding.
Am I too heavy?
My back is burned.
That suntan lotion must have been expired.
Give her a kiss.
Well done.
Walk now, you pig.
GREETINGS FROM RENESSE