Rhys Nicholsons Big Queer Comedy Concert (2023) Movie Script
1
Welcome to the Rhys Nicholson
Big Old Queer Comedy Concert
Please welcome to the stage
the most beautiful woman in the world,
it's me.
It's Rhys Nicholson!
Oh folks, Enmore theatre!
Big old queer comedy concert with
a currency of a whooping and a cheering,
How are you doing?
Fantastic, fantastic, thank you so
much for coming to see the show.
We have such, like a wild
lineup waiting backstage
some of the best queer
comedians Australasia has to offer.
They're waiting backstage.
Give them a round of applause.
Oh.
And I thought this might be a good idea.
Let's do, like, a little survey.
Yeah, it's a queer show.
Give me a cheer If you
identify as a queer person.
Give me a cheer.
Good numbers, good numbers.
We don't usually go to things, well done.
Now give me a cheer if you identify as
a heterosexual person, give me a cheer.
Much less. OK, great news.
Great news.
Now, a very important question.
Give me a cheer
if you are a heterosexual boyfriend that
has been dragged along, give me a cheer.
Hello!
Hello, fellas.
I'll be honest,
we got nothing for you.
Not written a single joke for you.
You have enough!
It truly is very lovely.
You know, it's
very nice to be doing a show.
It's nice to be like doing a
queer show, particularly
because sometimes we have this idea like,
Oh, do we even kind of need queer shows?
But no, this is I feel like,
especially when like, years ago,
when gay marriage happened,
the rest of the country was always like,
and you people are good now, right?
We're like, oh, no, we've not
even put out the hors d'oeuvres.
Er, so much to do. I think I find, most
of the homophobia I get these days,
I would more describe it as
kind of like fun homophobia.
I get kind of like cute,
adorable homophobia.
I recently, I was in my hometown in
Newcastle and a lady drove by in a car.
This is only recently, and she
shouted out, "Go home, poofter!"
Right? Which at first I
thought,
But then I thought, it's so lovely
to hear the word poofter again.
Isn't it? Like
Like when you hear poof you think,
fuck you've been bigoted for ages.
You really stuck to your guns.
Have you seen the Internet?
That's wild.
But then I had this weird thought.
I for some reason I, you never
expect straight women to be homophobic
for some reason.
I don't know why. I thought about it
and then I realized, does
that make me sexist for thinking that?
Like, what gives me the right to think
that she doesn't have the right to think
that I shouldn't have rights?
You know, it's
it's not right, you know.
But you know, I've been a
queer person for a long time.
I've been in a relationship. I'm in a
relationship with a man for 11 years.
His name is Kyron,
which is so close to a name.
And ahh.
It's Welsh.
It means new money.
And we've been
we've been together for a long time.
We've been together for 11 years.
And I've got to be honest,
It's gotten to the point where we, we're
starting to let ourselves go.
And it's nice, if you're in a
long term relationship, I recommend
let yourselves go.
I think it's a beautiful, it's a
beautiful affirmation to each other.
You know, it's kind of like
saying to each other just like,
hey, just, you know, all of this,
this is all you're like,
I'm not looking around anymore.
You know what I mean?
This is yours.
Then there's going to be more. But but,
but if, if you do let yourselves go,
you've got to make sure
it happens in parallel, like in unison.
Do you know what I mean?
You ever seen a couple
where someone's going through a fitness
journey and the other one isn't
and you're like, oh, they're getting away.
They're getting away.
They're getting away.
Like, this feels like when you
realize you're going to quit a job.
So you just start
stealing all the stationary.
I've got to get out of
this transaction on top.
Because we have little things.
I turned 32 this year,
which isn't old, I know 32 isn't old.
But I'd say, yeah, it's old,
it'd old enough.
I'm good to stop aging.
The rot has definitely begun.
There's a smell.
Now when I,
when I say that, I realize when
I complain about being in my thirties,
there will be people
in the audience in their forties
just quietly thinking of
themselves, well you just wait,
you wait, you wait until
you get into your forties.
That's when the shit really begins.
And then people in their
forties complain about aging.
So people in their fifties
start to kick off about it.
Well, you just you wait,
wait until you get into your fifties.
And I just keep going and
going and going, until someone
in their nineties is at a sance, like,
well you just wait until you're dead!
I think certain things
no one warns you about
your thirties, certain things just
crop up that you're not warned about.
This is a weird thing.
I was on a tour recently earlier
in the year and before I went on tour,
I thought I'm going to go and
get a check-up with my doctor,
a doctor that I've not seen
very many times.
And just through conversation
with this doctor, I realized that
he is a little bit younger than me.
No! I, I,
I didn't even know that was a possibility.
He said things like, Cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
It's like,
that's not for in here. I,
let's get you down off the high chair.
I've always had very, very
old doctors, very ancient doctors.
And there's something so
comforting about a very old doctor
because they are dead behind the eyes,
and that's what you want
from a medical professional.
You know what I mean?
They're world weary.
They've seen everything.
You never want to pique
your doctor's interest. You know?
With this old doctor,
I feel like I could
always be like, oh, is this bad?
And be like, "We saw a lot
of that in the trenches, you know",
but with this young guy,
it's like, is this a bad thing?
Be like, "I don't know.
I've never seen it before.
I'm going to get a
book deal out of you!"
I don't want to be his Elephant Man.
I think it's a maintenance time.
Your thirties.
That's what your thirties are all about.
Years ago, I, you know, my
Saturn returned and my metabolism left.
So I, I started to see a
personal trainer, and this is years ago.
At the time, I couldn't afford to see
a personal trainer and a therapist.
So my personal trainer
she just had two jobs, you know.
Just a lot of big chats
on the rowing machine.
Like, well, what even is gender?
Is it about my Dad?
It's not. It turns out.
More recently, you know,
I've tried to lose a little bit of weight,
and so I was like, Oh,
I'm going to start going to the gym again.
And, you know,
I just wanted to get into shape.
I don't care what shape a rhombus and
oblong, just something less organic.
And I started going to the gym again.
I was talking to a friend about this,
friend is a strong word.
Someone who is in my
life and will continue to be
until I do something about that.
You know what I mean?
You know those friends like a kind of a
life barnacle, do you know one of these?
But the beautiful thing is
we're all someone's life barnacle.
We're all barnacling up,
until we make the big ship in the sky.
I was talking my little barnacle mate
and saying, oh, I think
I'm going to start going to the gym.
She's a very gym centric person.
She was activewear at all times.
And I was saying, I'm going to do this.
And she said, "You know what
you got to do?" these are her exact words.
"You got to go to the gym at seven a.m.,
go to the gym at seven. a.m.
that's where the health lives."
Don't do it!
Don't go to the gym at seven a.m.
You know who is at the gym at seven a.m.?
It's all of the people
that go to the gym at seven a.m.
I bunch of tens!
I can't keep up with those people.
You're at a live comedy recording.
You can't keep up with those people.
This is what I do now.
This is my regime and I recommend it.
I go to the gym at 11 a.m..
Do it, go to the gym at 11 a.m..
Do you know who is at the gym at 11 a.m.?
It's all of the people that were told
to go there by their doctor and
and I don't want to be mean,
but I'm a god to those people.
Purely because I know how
like one of the machines work.
It's not a jetpack Terry, calm down.
It's difficult to find out
I'm a seven a.m. four
But like an 11a.m. nine!
You know, I
I go to this 24 hour gym.
It's a super straight gym.
You can tell it's a super
straight gym cause all the guys there,
they're all wearing, they're wearing three
quarter length shorts
do you know what I mean
and that's weird.
Straight men have a weird thing
about showing a full shin.
They're very Victorian that way.
I've always felt you can tell, you know,
if a gym is gay,
the shorts are just short, like,
you know, the gayer the gym,
the shorter the shorts just keeps getting
shorter and shorter and shorter
until it gets up to here.
And you look around and you think,
Well, I don't think this is a gym.
What's all the equipment for? Oh!
Oh, all right. Yeah, right.
That explains the cover charge.
Well, I think I would have
I think I would have, what it is about
my thirties is
I would have thought I would understand
the world a little bit more now by now.
And I think I'm understanding the world
less and less as time goes by.
I don't like Tic Toc to talk.
It's too noisy.
I don't like an app that just starts.
Give me a minute.
I'm trying to go to the toilet.
I saw this um.
I saw this thing recently with my
partner that really blew my mind.
Kyron, my partner and I,
we're at the point
in our relationship
where we like to go to nice restaurants.
We go on a date not every couple of weeks,
but we no longer speak
to each other in restaurants.
And I used to see couples not talking
in restaurants, and I'd think, that's sad.
But now I realize what they
were doing. They were listening.
So what we do
every couple of weeks we
sit in a nice restaurant in dead silence
and we listen to young new couples on
first dates, fuck it up!
Yeah.
It's an important point
to get to in your
relationship because inevitably
you will run out of things
to say to each other.
And you too, you can get angry about that,
or you can galvanize and point that fury
at everyone else.
Be the rage you want to see in the world.
This is about six months ago.
Kyron and I, we went to a nice restaurant
and was just sitting there
in silence eating our meals.
There's a young couple sitting
a couple of tables away within ear shot.
And they were a young, straight couple.
It was a man and a woman.
I don't know why I have to explain that?
Well, who knows anymore?!
I don't understand.
Anyway, there are a
young couple, they are about
like ten or 11 years younger than us,
so there are about 20, 21 years old.
And they were so confident.
I remember thinking
how confident they were
that we're flirting up a storm,
they were oozing confidence.
And they were flirting in a way
where I remember thinking,
Oh, these two people, they're new enough.
They've definitely had sex,
they have definitely had sex,
but they've not had to look at each other
naked yet for medical reasons.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, a special time in your life.
Al dente, relationship.
Throw that at the wall, it'll stick.
And then
they're chat, chat, chatting away,
they flirting up a storm.
And at one point
the guy said to the girl very confidently,
"Oh, I'm just going
to go to the bathroom."
And the girl said very comfortably back,
"Oh, I need to go to the bathroom, too.
Is it weird if we both go?"
And I thought. Yes, that is very weird.
But then I thought
they might be doing some drugs.
Bless these young people.
If you've not had your dinner yet,
you have the drugs after the dinner,
you're going to ruin your appetite.
You're wasting money on too, anyway.
So they, you'll learn, so they
they join the queue to the bathroom.
gender neutral bathrooms,
a beautiful thing.
Rows of cubicles
and the cubicles alternated.
It would be like a urinal,
and then a toilet,
a urinal, and a toilet,
a urinal and a toilet.
And they join the queue
and I needed to pee a little bit.
Not enough to go,
but enough to keep listening. So I
I joined them in the queue
and I'm just standing behind them.
I'm just scrolling through my phone,
just scrolling through.
There's nothing on my phone
because I'm just listening.
I'm like, Oh,
I'm doing a little play for them.
Like, Oh, I've got all these meetings
to cancel, you know, like
and I've never had a meeting before
and not once, and I keep cancelling them.
So I was just scrolling through them
when moving up the line.
And at one point
they get to the front of the line
and the cubicle door opens, cubicle
becomes available, it is for a urinal.
And the girl says to the guy
"Oh, there you go".
The guy looked at it went, "Oh, I'm"
And then there was this chilling silence,
where it became pretty
clear to all three of us
that this young man
needed to shit on this date!
And I was like, yeah.
Good, good.
I have something to tell Kyron
it's been years
So, I have news.
And then this thing happened, and this
is the thing that really blew my mind.
In this moment, this guy very
confidently said to this young girl
he was on a date with,
"Oh, no, I need to shit!"
And the girl was like, "Oh, all right".
And I was like, arrkk!
Like, I can't.
I can't move past it.
I keep putting myself in that situation
like, that happened,
that happened six months ago.
And I reckon I think about that.
Like, Im never not thinking about that,
do you know what I mean?, like
I keep putting myself in his position.
What would I do
if I was him in that situation?
What would I do?
What would I do? What would I do?
And I genuinely think
I would shit in the urinal.
Like, that's
That's the only clear path I can see!
All right, folks, I reckon we're ready.
You ready to kick this
show the fuck off tonight. Yes?
Alright.
Truly one of my best friends in the
entire world. You know her, you love her.
Lose your absolute fucking minds.
And welcome to the stage.
The one, the only.
It's Geraldine Hickey!
Wassap fuckers?
Yes. I have lost weight.
How did. How did I do it?
I was doing the 10,000 Step challenge.
And every day I was
walking around just walking
and walking
and go, oh, this takes forever.
There has to be a quicker way
of getting to 10,000 steps in a day.
Turns out there is.
It's called running.
I'm a runner now, yeah.
Did 12 K the other day.
Yeah I know, thank you.
Um, I am an elite athlete if you will.
Here's a story though,
about a time that I discovered
the limit of my endurance,
a limit of my athletic endurance, right.
Now my stories are like my runs
they go for a long time.
Because I take the scenic route.
Yeah, but when I get to the end,
we'll all be better people.
I was in Monkey Mia with my friend Jenny.
Anyone know Monkey Mia?
A few people know Monkey Mia, big fans.
There's dolphins there and no monkeys.
It's now on the beach there.
There was a hire place.
It had like, paddleboats, stand up
paddle boards and kayaks, and we went,
let's get a couple of kayaks, right?
So we went over.
Mick was the name of the guy
running the place,
And he goes, "Yeah, gidday girls. Yeah,
yeah. I'll give you a couple of kayaks".
No problem, right.
Give ya a couple of kayaks, what you want
to do is, what you want to do is get
in the kayak and just paddle over that
way and check out the beach over there."
I'm like, whoa,
that's exactly what we wanted to do.
Thank you, Mick.
He goes "Yeah paddle over there.
It probably take you about an hour
and have a look around and then yeah,
head on back and aahh, yeah
just so you know though girls
the wind is picking up.
Yeah.
Yeah nah, the wind's picking up, but umm
as long as you stick close to the shore,
you'll be fine. Ok?
Because see that sun over there
when that's going down
I want to be drinkin' beers
and not rescuing you, right?"
Righto Mick.
Thank you.
So we gave us a couple of sea
kayaks, right?
So off we paddled,
and we got we got over to the other
side, took us about 45 minutes.
Yeah, he said it'd be about an hour, but
endurance athlete right here.
Yeah.
And we got out, we had a look around,
we saw a crab.
That was pretty cool.
A little one and an octopus
and a dead fish, whatever.
All right, come on.
We'll get back in the kayaks.
We'll start heading back, right?
And I got back in the kayak.
We both got back in the kayaks.
And then as we started paddling off,
I looked down and I saw a sea turtle
I was like, oh, my gosh!
I've manoeuvred the kayak
around a little bit to have another
look at the sea turtle and ahh,
but it took off. I was fuck whatever that
was that was great. Saw a sea turtle.
Amazing, right?
So we started paddling, but it meant that
because I'd turn the kayak around a bit,
it meant that like, Jenny's kayak, which
she was like, kind of facing into
where like I said, the beach over there
and we wanted to get over there, right?
So she's kind of facing that
and I'm parallel, right?
So I thought, let's all go up
and then across like that, that's, that's
what I'll do.
We'll go up and then I'll go in like that.
And Jenny was like that.
So off, off we paddled
And umm
the last thing I heard Jenny say
was, "Geez he's not wrong about that wind"
So there's like the beach here.
There's me, but way out here.
There was a yacht, right?
So I was like, you know what?
As long as, I'm paddling
away and Im thinking,
as long as I can stay in between
the beach and the yacht, I'll be fine.
Yeah.
And then I was paddling
and then as I'm paddling,
I've just started workshopping,
accepting help
from the people on the yacht.
Right?
Because I am getting closer to the yacht,
and I think it's going to be embarrassing.
I'm going to have to accept that, you
know, just have some rich bloke going,
"What are you doing
out here you silly sausage?" Like, oh.
I don't know, I just,
I don't know what's happened.
"Get up here!"
Yes, well sorry.
Yes, I'd love some help. Thank you.
Yeah, well, yes, I'd love some bubbles.
But that's what's
going on in my head, right?
So I'm paddling,
paddling, paddling, paddling.
And then it was like it was a beach.
There was the yacht,
and then there was me.
Why out there? Right.
At that stage, I'm just waving the paddle
in the air towards the yacht going,
"Help!"
"Help!"
Actually found out that there was
no one on that yacht anyway.
I found out the next day.
But it was fine,
you know, at this stage though,
this is when I started paddling
just on one side, right.
Hoping that
that would get me to the shore, right?
So I'm just paddling on one side.
Now, Monkey Mia as you know, is known,
cause I told you at the start,
it's known for its dolphins, right?
And so I was paddling on one side,
just putting out some heavy duty vibes
into the water, going
"Flipper
I could really do with a dolphin rescue
right now."
You know, then I'm paddling, right?
And then all of a sudden,
right next to my kayak like,
right here, right
next to my kayak, up pops a dugong
just pfft, and I am so tired
and quite emotional, right?
Exhausted,
and I've turned to this dugong and I go.
"G'day mate."
"Hey do you reckon
you could give us a hand?"
Gone.
Right, just took off.
Just kept on paddling.
Im at the end.
And then I remembered, Im like
Oh my, hang on a second.
Before we left Mick, he goes,
"Now listen girls, if you do run into
any problems, take my number.
Right? And I took a photo of that.
Now, I don't know if you've ever been
swept out to sea on a sea kayak before,
and you've had to go through this process
because, I'm paddling and paddling
and paddling and then I've remembered.
Oh, that's right. Where's my phone?
In the dry bag. Where's that?
Right at the other end of the kayak.
Right, I'll just reach.
Get that, right. It's right.
Paddle, paddle, paddle.
I take a break and get the phone out,
go to photos, right?
Just go on, just get on it.
Photos, scroll, scroll,
Oh, my God.
How many photos of a dead fish
did I take?
Just
Eventually I get the
number out right and I ring it.
And it rings, right?
It rings and it rings.
And then it goes to message bank, right?
And it goes to the message bank that goes.
This message will be sent as a text.
That's too much pressure. That's
Right, but I've faced it.
It went this,
this message will be sent as a text beep.
"G'day Mick, It's Geraldine
and I hired the kayaks with Jenny
you were right about that
wind and I'm fucked!" Right?
Lots of crying and paddling.
And then all of a sudden,
like it had been a couple of minutes,
I look up and there's Mick, right.
There he is in his boat.
I've never been so relieved
to see somebody in my life right.
Helps me up on the boat.
We tie the kayak to the back of the boat,
and he goes,
"Did you try and call?
And I went, "yeah, you'll have a message".
And he goes,
"yeah no, because I've got binoculars
yeah, I've got binoculars and I can see
you were in a bit of strife".
I was in strife for a while.
Yeah.
What was Mick doing?
Yeah, just
oh, no she's talking
to a dugong we're gotta go.
I've got to go too.
Thanks very much.
I've been Geraldine Hickey good night!
Geraldine Hickey!
Our next act is a rising star
in this industry,
and I'm really like,
fucking thrilled to get to bring him out.
You're going to absolutely love him.
Please lose your minds for the one,
the only, its Jay Wymarra!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hello Enmore, my darlings.
I'm so happy to be here with you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad I waxed for this.
And I don't mind telling you.
I don't mind telling you as a black man,
I've got some hair on me.
I really do.
I wasn't always a bear,
but there was always a forest.
You know what I mean?
Oh, goodness me.
Like, and I needed to get waxed.
Like, sometimes you just know, ladies,
sometimes we just know, don't we?
Absolutely. You know how I know?
I took a bloke home a couple of weeks
back, and I knew I needed to because
as soon as I dropped my dacks,
two hobbits fell out, and I'm
oh, look, I don't mind telling you
that I am a massive Lord of the Rings fan,
because in the community
I'm from, before the movies came out,
Lord of the Rings
was just what we called gay men.
Then look now, Lord of your ring ooh.
And I mean, that sort of that
sort of thing sticks with you in your own
childhood and into adulthood, which is
why every time I walk past a Michael Hill,
I tense up when they're offering
a special on ring cleaning, anyway.
Stop it.
So tonight, just for you,
I'm going to unveil an educational tool
that I have been working on.
It's a little analogy.
I want you to picture the entire spectrum
of human sexuality
as a multi-lane highway.
OK, everyone's got a lane.
Some people change lanes.
Some people stay once
they find their lane.
And this is how it breaks down.
We've got the heterosexual people.
More than I expected.
OK, your lane's pretty easy.
It's dead in the middle,
It just goes straight
and you don't let anybody merge.
Oh, it gets better, then we've got
the most famous lane, the gay lane.
I'm staying up the road.
Um, the gay lane, very easy to identify.
All right.
It's just one big party line
heading all the way down Oxford Street.
It's just got the Priscilla bus
and Kylie Minogue on the stereo.
There's glitter flying
out of those exhaust pipes.
And it's legal to tailgate, but
And then you've got the lesbian lane.
Now the lesbian lane,
real easy to identify.
It's just full of Subarus,
Hilux's and U-Hauls.
And then my personal
favorite, the transgender lane.
Where are you darlings?
I love you guys.
I really do.
And I'm just going to get
a bit serious for just a second.
I think that you might
be the key to our salvation.
I mean that, you're the ones
to bring us forward into the light.
I say that because you're driving on a
highway
that wasn't built with you in mind.
It wasn't built with any of us in mind.
But you still have
the right to drive on it.
And finally,
the bisexuals, the pansexual
and the outwardly queer.
Where are you darlings?
We are the harder lane to spot
because it could be any one of us.
What I love about us is that we can
change lanes any time we want,
but we don't have to indicate.
My name is Jay Wymarra.
I love you.
Happy World Pride darlings.
Jay Wymarra!
Our next act, truly, we
started doing comedy together,
and I'm just so obsessed with her.
She's an artist in
every sense of the word.
Please lose your absolute fucking minds
and welcome to the stage.
It's Cassie Workman!
Hello.
Hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
I'm trans, by the way.
Don't panic, we'll get to it.
Hello oh.
Isn't this lovely?
This is lovely, isn't it?
Isn't it nice to be out and about?
Isn't that good? Did anybody else
get out of lockdown and then remember
what the world is like
and then want to go back in a bit?
Oh, I did.
I got over going out.
I got over going out.
When I realized all of the booze
and the dancing and the drugs
were essentially an
extravagant preamble to a kebab.
You know?
You know? Oh, and I,
I got old during lock down.
I got old, oh.
Do you know how I figured this out?
Because I like to watch
the makeup tutorials.
Oh, you ever seen the makeup tutorials?
And they got all the people on them, and
they're doing they got the liquid eyeliner
and they're doing old calligraphy
on their eyes and shit.
Oh, and God bless them,
they're beautiful.
But the reason why they can do that
is because they're 20
and their eye skin doesn't move around.
Yeah.
I'm 40 years old,
I can't use liquid eyeliner.
So using liquid eyeliner
it looks like I'm signing my name
on a loose garbage bag.
You know,
the skin all bunches around the brush.
Looks like I'm
scraping an omelette into the trash.
I'm trans. I had to change
my entire wardrobe at once.
That's fucked!
Oh, and here's the thing about that.
Women's clothing,
completely different sizes in every brand.
It's just an arbitrary
cavalcade of nonsense.
The numbers mean nothing.
And I think that this is a conspiracy
by men,
to gaslight women into thinking that
we are not good at judging
the size of things.
I have OCD and PTSD,
which is a bad
bunch of letters to have in life.
But it's also a bad
bunch of letters to have in Scrabble.
You got to keep it in perspective.
Very poor,
I've been poor my entire life.
I remember growing up, the
other kids had Tamagotchi's, you know?
I had a tapeworm.
It died because I forgot to feed it.
I am transgender.
I recently started transitioning
from male to female, so thank you.
You have other achievements that's fine.
But I did, I recently started
transitioning from male to female,
so that at the moment, I'm, I'm making
like, like 90 cents on the dollar.
It's, it's going around.
People sometimes say to me,
they say, oh, do you miss being a man?
Do you miss being a man?
Fuck no!
I miss pockets!
I miss pockets.
I do.
Why won't they give women pockets?
Are they scared it's where
we're going to keep our witchcraft?
Scientists think that they
might be able to transplant a uterus.
Now, that's exciting.
That's exciting development
for trans women in the future.
That's good, isn't it?
They still can't sew a pocket into
some fucking jeans though can they?
I would,
I would definitely get a uterus.
Not, not because I want to have kids.
I just need somewhere to put my keys.
They're trying
to exclude trans women from sport.
They want to exclude
trans women from sport.
That breaks my heart.
If I'd had known that I could be excluded
from sport,
for being a trans woman,
I would have come out in high school.
Fuck sport. I hate sport.
Who gives a shit?
What else you want to exclude me from?
Long lines and shark attacks?
I don't give a shit
That's dumb. Obviously, that's,
that's a terrible thing, right?
I've only ever once had an advantage over
other women in sports.
I remember my Phys Ed teacher coming in,
and he was like,
"Ok, today we are going to play
dodgeball. The object of dodgeball is
do not get hit by the ball."
And I was like, no problem.
And I went and smoked weed on the beach.
To the best of my knowledge,
I remain undefeated.
I go through puberty.
I don't know if cis people know this
about trans people, but the hormones
that they give you to transition right,
are exactly the same as the hormones
of your gender during puberty.
So some trans
people have the incredible privilege
of going through puberty twice yeah.
You'd think that
would make you better at it.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Very difficult
to go through puberty at age 40,
because I have the interests
of an adult, right?
But the emotions of a teenage girl.
So like I have this overwhelming
desire to rebel against authority,
but also I really like Camembert.
So I don't know,
I don't know what to do with that.
I got ants in my apartment.
You ever had ants in your apartment,
yet you had ants in your apartment.
Is this relatable
should I go back to the trans shit?
You ever had cockroaches
in your apartment, you ever had that?
Yeah. You know what they say, right?
For every cockroach that you see,
there's 20 more that you don't see.
Yeah.
Does that mean that if you don't see any,
there's like 19 just hanging out?
Just waiting for their friend.
But I do, I have ants, and so what I did
was I got some ant poison right?
And the way that the ant poison works
is that you put it out and the ants,
they think it's a treat
and they pick it up
and they take it back to their nest
and they give it to their queen
and it kills her. Right?
And then the rest of the ants, I assume,
die from grief.
I don't know.
That's so fucked up.
Only a human would think to do that.
Only a human would be like, "Oh ants, you
are a minor inconvenience to me.
So I'm going to spend years
learning how your civilization works
and then trick
you into committing regicide".
If ants ever learned
about the Geneva Convention, we're fucked!
I didn't even want to kill the ants.
I just wanted them to go outside.
That's why I've been giving the ants acid.
At first, they were having
kind of a bad trip, you know?
So then I dressed up like an ant.
And I was like, nah bro,
you're just having a bad trip.
You just need to go outside
I may have also taken some of the acid.
And in fact,
I don't even know if I have ants,
I got to, I got to go.
Bye. Love you.
Cassie Workman!
Tell you what, I like, I was talking
about this a little bit earlier.
I do get this, and I feel like we all get
this is kind of adorable,
kind of weird homophobia these days.
And then I go to this gym, right?
And I'm not good at going to the gym.
I just go in and I just kind of pick
things up, and I put them back down again.
I'm. I'm often dressed
like this. I'm not I'm not.
I'm not good at the gym,
but at this 24 hour gym
because all the
straight guys go to this gym,
sometimes I get this
weird cute homophobia.
Because I'll go into the change room.
Sometimes I go
in the middle of the night after a show,
and no matter what time
I go into the change room,
there's always a room
full of naked straight guys.
And when I walk in
and look in the way that I do,
there's always this weird reaction.
They'll just like turn around.
They always like, they don't
want to see their dicks or something.
Like I'm some sort of Moses parting
the cock seas.
This happened about a year ago.
I live in Melbourne. I went to the gym
in Melbourne in the middle of the night.
There was one other guy
in the change room.
He was completely naked.
He saw me.
He didn't just turn around he like
like slowly
turned around like,
like minimal movement, like for real.
Like he thought
I was a raptor or something like,
There was a dick in here
a second ago and I don't,
don't seem to be able
to focus on it right now.
Clever girl.
Like what?
It's a fun reference, but like,
what do the straight men think?
What do the straight men think,
that I as a queer person,
I'm going to walk into a
room full of naked straight men and
I just can't help myself.
Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
Like I'm some sort of cummie Pac-Man
sucking down cock ghosts.
Wild
Such an interesting we have.
I was looking at some pornography
recently, as is my right.
Got to do something on the bus, you know.
And I've
I've come to realize.
The older I get just how much porn lies.
Like, I know we all know that,
but there's a particular thing
that I think porn lies about.
I always think in porn
the way that men, like in porn men
they always like, no matter
what kind of porn it is, they always like.
They like shoot.
Do you know what I mean
they get some distance behind them
and some velocity
and they're just fucking like.
I've never shot before,
like my penis.
Like, she like,
like my penis is more, it doesn't shoot it
kind of like, like throws up,
do you know what I mean like,
like throughout most of sex
my penis is like.
Im alright, oh, I think I'm ok.
I think,
I think, argh.
I have to hold her
hair back, you know, it's
I talk about sex so much, but it's weird.
I actually have quite a low sex drive,
really, like on the spectrum of things.
But, you know, the thing about me, I've
always been a late bloomer my whole life.
All my all my big moments.
On the big milestones, though
they've always come very late in life,
but they've always made up for lost time.
Like, for example,
I didn't have my first sip of alcohol
until I was 17, which is quite late
in Newcastle where I grew up,
but I made up for lost time.
I drank a bottle of Southern Comfort
and threw up in an aboveground pool.
Im a delight.
I didn't have my first cigarette until
I was 18, but I made up for lost time.
I smoked a packet of Marlboro
Reds in the one night
and threw up in an aboveground pool.
I'm a delight.
And then I didn't lose my virginity
till I was almost 18,
quite like where I grew up,
but I made up for lost time.
I lost my virginity to a guy
that had a penis that could easily feed
a family of four!
Like it was such a big dick,
you guys was such a big dick.
It came with a side of a
garlic bread and a Viennetta.
That's, a really big dick.
This is how big that dick was.
It didn't just take my virginity,
it put my virginity in the back of a car.
It drove it to the outskirts of town.
It threw it out and said,
If ever you come back,
I'm going to hurt your fucking family.
So pretty big dick, you guys.
I think it's the biggest dick I've ever
seen, I think. But like,
have you ever been back to your primary
school and looked around and thought,
I remember all this
being so much bigger?
You know, I was just.
If you actually, that joke
is not as full on as you think it is.
But I know I talk about sex a lot,
but I'm not really that I don't like.
I've become fascinated with the idea
recently that, like, people have fetishes.
It's like statistically a whole bunch of
people in this room have fetishes.
And that's so cool.
I would think though that the way
that I am with sex, like
I always wonder if you've got a fetish
and you start dating someone like when,
when, do you tell them?
Do you know what I mean? Like,
you can't be just like blah!
You got to like ease them into it.
Of course, like that's
the kind of correct way to do it.
I always imagine it would have to happen,
you know, when you
first start dating someone
and you're sleeping over their house
and like, you know,
you have a sleepover for the first time
and they're cooking breakfast
the next morning
and just having those conversations
about things you do and don't like.
And one of you is like,
"I don't like shallots"
and the other one's like,
"I want to fuck your feet!"
And you're like, "All right, Jesus".
What like, like, together?
Or do you just want to like on them,
like as long as no shallots involved,
I don't know this is.
What do you do with them? Stir fries?
Is that the?
But there was kind of
radio chatter a couple of years ago
within my relationship that we might want
to get like a sex toy involved,
which I was, I was against
getting a sex toy at first.
First of all, because I felt like
it would be taking away a job
from a local, homegrown,
hardworking Australian dick.
You know, I'm patriotic
in very strange ways,
but also I would think, like,
if you own a sex toy,
this is what I used
to think about it I guess,
if you own a sex toy, you're
not just thinking about it all the time.
I'd always be thinking like, someone's
gonna find it, someone's gonna find it.
It's in the sock drawer,
they're going to find it.
They are going to know they're having sex.
They're going to know
that I'm having bonkers sex.
I'd be thinking about it all the time,
all the time, all the time.
I'd be out and about, I'd be running
my errands, I'd be hit by a bus,
and my last words
would be like "My dildos!".
"What were their last words?
Oh, don't worry about that".
"But they were so brave".
We went, this is a few years ago now.
We went to a sex shop,
Kyron and I, somewhat ironically.
People in long term relationships
will know exactly what I mean.
Every now and then,
you go into a sex shop as a couple,
and you just walk around you like, ha ha,
we're just here
to buy a joke present for a friend.
But what's happening in here?
And we
we were in there for about half an hour,
and I spent most of the time
just walking around
looking at stuff going, oh boy,
I hope that never happens to me.
Jesus Christ!
In this sex shop, there was a wall.
A wall of rubber fists, a wall of them.
It looks like a climbing wall
just like, every shape, gesture,
why is that one
holding an apple? Why? Why?
I've always wondered like, why do you
need a rubber fist? Why do you need it?
Why do you need it? Like unless,
you're missing an arm, you know?
Of course and like,
maybe you're on your way to an auction.
Or you know, some sort of pride parade.
Like, at what point in your life
are you ever going to have two arms
inside of someone and just think,
if only we brought a third!
You know like, it's just.
I've been trying to work out why, why
I used to be so freaked out by sex toys.
And I think I worked it out. I had a
friend in high school, end of story.
No, blackout, awards.
Now I,
I had a friend that when we were about 15
she found her parents double ended dildo.
Correct response.
It's the most full on thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
Again, it happened 17 years ago
and I'm never not thinking about it.
It's always in there
all the time, all the time.
And as a teenager I remember
thinking, that it is disgusting,
burn that down, salt the earth,
so nothing may grow there again.
But now, as an adult, I'm in my thirties.
I'm in a long term relationship
and I'm like, no, that is lovely.
Like that's, that's beautiful.
Like that's, that's,
you know, they've found each other.
They've found the other half
of the golden amulet.
That's their relationship.
They're in their fifties,
their sixties, their seventies.
They're still doing
weird shit to each other.
I think that it's so beautiful. It's a
really beautiful modern take on that
scene in Disney's Lady and the Tramp,
where they're eating the pasta.
I've got reboot ideas!
You're ready to kick off
some more of this show!
You guys are the greatest.
Our next act, another true great.
I'm obsessed with this man.
He got me through the pandemic
with his Internet presence.
I love him so much. He's here
all the way from New Zealand.
Please lose your minds
for the one, the only.
It's Chris Parker!
Hi, how are ya?
Oh, my gosh. Thanks for having me.
Oh, I'm so excited to be here.
Although it's quite surreal,
because literally a week ago,
I officially became a married man.
My God. Thank you.
Thank you for your approval.
Just working on God's now.
We'll get there.
He did not RSVP.
Honestly, it was quite stressful
organizing a gay wedding, right?
Like, is anyone else married out here?
OK, a few yeah, yeah, all right.
No one in my family
had ever been to a gay wedding before,
and they're all like, "oh, I've never
been to a gay wedding before,
can't wait to be entertained
by the night of my lives".
They're expecting me
to be dressed in that, like, dress
from The Hunger Games
that burst into flames.
Walking down the aisle with
fireworks going off in my shoes.
No, we crushed it.
Of course I forgot,
you know because, like,
Damien's, like biggest,
like most significant contribution
to this planet has been organizing
fun parties.
We are so good at it, right?
Like, it's our super power.
Like, they should include
it in the Captain Planet Squad.
Remember them, you know, just like
"earth, wind, fire, water, heart".
And then some poofter
on the side thing, being like "Im Vince".
Nah, honestly, I'm just glad
I didn't embarrass myself,
like I did at our
like last big family function.
Which was my Grandmother's funeral.
OK, hear me out save space and listen.
So Mom was trying to decide
who the pallbearers
were going to be for the funeral.
You know, the, you know, the pallbearers.
I mean, not like that, obviously.
Whoo, one last ride for Grandma.
No, it was, so mom's trying
to decide how she's casting it.
She's like, "Right who's it going to be?
Obviously Nick, my husband,
yes you'll be a pallbearer.
Lyle, my brother, yes, Alex, yes."
I'm floating in the background,
trying to get my Mom's attention.
Woo, she's like, "Oh, fuck, Chris, Jesus!
Oh, I thought, you're a ghost".
She's back to haunt me.
Who else? Who else?
I went in for the kill. I was like
"Mom, you know, I could do this.
You know, I go to the gym.
Well, I've got a gym membership.
You know, I could
I could be up there with the boys!"
Mom's like, "Listen you just cry
at every family function.
I can't have you up there upset".
I was like "No Mom,
I'll be a good boy. I'll do what boys do.
I'll get all my feelings.
I'll just push them way down,
for 30 years until one day I snap".
So I got the role Australia!
Yeah,
I mean, not the lead role, obviously.
That was my grandmother.
Best supporting actress, that was me.
Thank you, yeah, I will say,
I was slightly out of my depth.
Yeah, turns out coffins are fucking heavy!
They're made out of full wood.
Wood, wood, wood the whole thing.
And I thought it was just there for show.
And they took the body out.
But fuck no, she was in there!
With all her fucking books,
and I hadn't thought about that either.
OK, so day of the big performance,
the funeral sorry,
the funeral we're all there.
And we decided we were going
to walk her out to Amazing Grace.
And initially I heard that song choice,
I thought it was a bit clich.
But it stops playing
and I'm instantly sobbing,
Mom sitting beside me like,
"Here we fucking go".
So all the lads are gathering around
the coffin about to do their moment.
And they're doing that thing that the boys
do, you know when there's a job at hand,
but they don't know
if they're going to pull it off or not,
you know, they're just
looking into each other's eyes
and they're just psyching each other out.
They're like
"Yeah man I fucking got this,
have you got this?
Yeah, fuck yeah man, I've got this
Yeah, have you
Honestly, I don't think we've got this!
But there's no time to check and
we're fucking lifting the thing.
I'm using my full spine, not my knees.
And I'm like, "No, I do not have this!"
And we're walking and we're walking,
and I'm like "I'm going to drop it,
I'm going to drop my grandmother
right here, right now.
And the thing about like,
a funeral is it's not like a wedding,
you know, where there's like a
rehearsal dinner the night before,
you all get to practice.
No, we're just sort of flying
by the seat of our pants.
We're improvising. Yes, and so I
I grabbed the front handle, you know,
so I'm leading the ship, and
I'm gay, so I'm hopeless with directions.
I don't know where we're going.
And we're walking and we're walking.
I can feel it slipping out of my hands.
And I want to regrip,
you know, get a proper grip on the coffin.
But, you know moving a coffin, it's
not like moving a couch into a new house.
You know, when it
gets that heavy, you like,
"Should we fucking put this down
for a second?"
Jesus Christ!
"Righto boys, that's a heavy girl!"
Like, no, we are persevering, so we're
still walking, we're still walking.
I can feel my visions
starting to go out like this.
And the thing is, I decided
to wear a statement ring.
Because I was like, yes, it's a funeral,
but I'm still pulling a look.
And ahh, I know I'm toxic.
The ring
catches on the handle of the coffin.
So the weights going down,
my arms going up
and my fingers going full, dark purple.
And now I'm not worried about dropping it.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm just worried
about ripping my whole finger off
and bleeding throughout this whole church.
We're still walking. I can't believe it.
I'm sobbing Amazing Grace.
I can't believe
how long we've been walking for.
And now we're walking out of the church.
I'm like,
"What, we're leaving the church?
Are we walking straight to the grave?"
I'm not going to make it that far.
You'll have to bury me there with her.
Honest to God, we're walking now
around the carpark of the funeral.
I'm like, with this coffin.
I'm like a stressed out
mom at the mall at Christmas weekend.
You know, looking for the car.
It's like, "Where's the car parked?
Where's the car parked?
Shut up kids?
Where's the car parked?"
But luckily, we find the hearse that's
parked around the side of the church.
And we're able to load her,
and they drive it to the hole.
But the thing my family has this crazy
relationship with that graveyard
because listen, when my Grandfather died,
when I was six years old,
my Mother was like, "Whoo, don't be sad.
No, what we'll do
is we'll go visit your Grandfather
every Christmas, because nothing
says Christmas like a graveyard visit".
So every year, me and my extended family,
all ten of us would gather in a circle
around my grandfather's grave.
And we talk to him
as if he was sort of lying
out there on summer holiday just like
and every year,
my dad would make this weird, dark joke
where he'd go, "Oh, a bit hairy
on the chest this year, Billy.
Which was the
grass growing over the grave,
and then, we'd all hold hands
and swing and sing
We wish you a merry Christmas.
And every year we'd walk in there,
just like, in our late twenties,
hung over from Christmas Eve,
just being like, no one wants to be here.
Why are we doing this?
And every year
my Grandmother would make this dark joke,
she'd be like,
"Well, I'll be in there next year".
And we were like, "No, Grandma, no".
Later on down the line. We were like,
"Well, maybe I don't know".
And one year she got it, she knew.
It was in that final year.
We're all walking in,
and no one wants to be doing it.
"Oh, let's just get this
over and done with".
We're standing in the circle,
all ten of us, just ten adults
standing around the grave, and we realize
my Mom and my Grandmother are not with us.
They're back at the car,
and Mum is in a real flap.
She's like, "Oh, guys, sorry, sorry you.
Yeah, we're sorry, we're just struggling
with your grandmother
walking her on the uneven grass,
because he was parked
six graves in, best grave on the street.
And so, we're looking at each other like,
"Oh my God,
we're not going
to have to do it this year.
The traditions off, it ends here and now".
And they want my Mom says is,
what my mum says is,
"So, so what, what we're going to do
is, we're gunna
we're gunna gather around this grave!"
So my whole family
of ten adults gather around Terry's grave.
We do not know Terry!
Then, "Hi Terry.
Yeah, fucking nice to meet you I guess".
Dad goes "A bit hairy
on the chest this year Terry".
And then, we all hold
hands and swing and sing
We wish you a merry Christmas.
And all I could think at the time was,
what if Terry's family shows up!
and they're like,
who's this cult of adults around
late Terry's grave in Christmas cracker
party hats
swinging their hands
screaming to the heavens,
bring us a figgy pudding
I'll leave you on this last little detail.
This is at my Grandmother's funeral.
All those years later,
she got buried with my Grandfather.
So beautiful, I took my ring off.
Learnt from my mistakes.
This is your funeral.
I mean, like, I know that your weddings,
you big, important day,
but you do have to share it.
Your funeral is all about you.
So we're walking her
coffin to her grave to get buried.
And my whole family, no shit, walked past
Terry's grave and they all go,
"Hi, Terry" like that.
Thank you so much Australia!
Chris Parker!
Oh, folks.
We have one more act.
Are you ready for your final act?
Oh, boy.
We are ending on a doozy.
You will know her. You love her.
Please welcome the international superstar
that is
Urzila Carlson!
Hello Sydney!
Stop it.
You're going overboard.
I love it. I love it.
Oh, my God. How good is it to be out?
I just want to talk to you
about my Grandfather Terry.
Fuck it's good to be out.
So we're traveling again.
The world's open,
Covid it's a thing of the past.
Im so happy, look I mean,
don't get me wrong,
I didn't hate being in lock down
for a little bit with the family
because I'm on the road
300 days of the year,
so it was a great time to get to know
the little one.
You know, when you're in lock down,
and you go, "Fuck, who's that?"
"It's your youngest."
"Oh, yeah? Of course."
"Looks just like me."
I am away, you know,
you realize overall with your family,
you only need about 20 hours
worth of love for them a week.
The rest of the time, they're at work,
you're at work, they're at school,
they do activities, you're
sitting extra 30 minutes in the car park
just avoiding them, going
"Um almost home".
That last three kilometers to your house.
You're doing 20
kilometers an hour, fuck!
Trying to get there after bath time.
You finally get home.
No, I mean, I love my family,
but like I say, we're on the road
300 days of the year.
Usually we travel together as a pack,
which is very romantic and cute and shit.
But the problem is,
my wife is absolutely petrified of flying,
which is a humongous fucking handbrake.
But, you know, I'm nothing
if not supportive.
Like, not in the beginning.
You know, the beginning years of your
relationship, everything's amazing.
Like, you see, even the ads
where someone's got, or on a movie,
they've got a bit of something
on their cheek.
And you go, you got something,
and then you kiss it off.
And then you fast forward a few years
and you go,
"Wipe that shit off your face!"
You look like a fucking idiot!
But I'm supportive, supportive.
So what I would do, because we fly so much
the night before, I would look up
which planes we're taking, which flights.
And then I would write down
all the safety details for that plane.
Like I'd go, "We're flying on the ATR 72.
It is the safest plane in their fleet.
They've never had
an incident with this plane.
These seats are the best ones for sound.
These are the best ones for accidents.
Not that we'd know, cause
they've never had one.
And I would give her
the whole fucking brief.
I'd even make shit up about the pilot.
No one knows who they are.
I don't know why they say.
"And today I will be flying you",
Oh my gosh, guys,
Kevin's flying us to Brisbane!
Who gives a shit?
No one's ever stopped and gone
"Fuck, we've got them"
A bit of a shame, really.
We don't give a fuck.
We're not allowed to go in there anymore.
Now, other job, you don't
go to the supermarket, then they go.
"So today you've got
Tracy on the Olympia 3000.
She'll be checking you out
and ringing your stuff through.
She'll be loading all of your groceries
from that entire trolley
into one reusable bag".
So that now you either need
to start fucking a bodybuilder
to get that bag in your house.
Or buy a crane
or have more children.
Who am I kidding?
There not fucking helping
No other job do they give a shit
so I would work through
the whole thing with her.
You know, the safety thing.
Say you're safe.
I try and tell her you're safe.
And I'm the person she loves
so she should trust me.
But she doesn't. She's still scared
and that gets quite tiring, quite quickly.
So I just started making audio recordings
for her and then flicking her
the file as we got on the plane so
she can work through that in her own time.
Cos I've got an audio book
that needs listening to,
Which I get, It's not as romantic,
but she explained it to me.
She says, it's not the flying that scares
her she goes, "It's the crashing".
And I said, "I think you'll find
that's the thing that
scares the fuck out of all of us".
Then she goes,
"No, it's not just the crashing
It's that moment
when you're in the air in the plane
and you realize,
oh no, this plane is going to crash.
So that two seconds to two minutes,
depending on how fast it crashes,
that sheer terror
is the thing that scares her.
She says "That's the thing
that that makes me wake up
in the middle of the night
in a cold sweat.
That's why I want a
Valium before I fly". I go
"Yeah. We, none of us want that."
That's why they
put the brace position to the front.
So you shit up the back.
Because they don't want to be
sifting through your faeces
looking for your teeth.
You know, leaning on the seat in front,
is not going to save your life.
But it makes it a fuck load less gross
when they try and identify your body.
But then she said to me
early on in our relationship, she said,
"Now this is going to sound weird,
when I tell you it's going to hit your
ears weird
as soon as it's
on the outside of my mouth".
But just listen to it.
Sit with it for a second, ok?
She's, she made me promise.
She said, if we're ever in a plane crash,
we realize this plane is going to crash.
She goes, promise me you'll kill me.
I told you it's going
to hit it weird right?
Now, If you think about it,
it sounds gross, but
she reckons in this moment
in her life, that is the worst thing
that could possibly happen to her.
Her biggest phobias coming true.
She trusts me.
The person she loves
most on the world to kill her.
This is before we had kids.
Now she would use me as a fucking shield.
But she wants me to end her life,
to stop her suffering.
And initially I thought that was romantic.
But then it hit me.
I'm on the plane too.
I too will be going through
the same terror that she's going through.
But, before you die,
you've got one more chore to do.
Quickly take out the trash
before you die.
It got to a point where
we can be on a domestic flight.
Like, we'll, we'll be flying
from Melbourne to Sydney
as soon as we get on the plane.
I start making a shiv.
I like to be prepared.
So I'm making a shiv,
we hit a bit of turbulence,
I've already stabbed her three times.
She's like, "What's this turbulence?
I'm not even scared".
I'm like, "Die, bitch, die!"
So we got a divorce.
But I did what everyone does.
As soon as I get a divorce,
I got a personal trainer.
Yeah, it didn't take thanks.
So what happens was,
I've never had a personal trainer before,
so I found out this kid that I knew
that used to play cricket with my nephew.
You probably don't
need all of this detail and
I said to him,
because he's a personal trainer,
and he goes, "Yeah, I'll come round
and we'll do an assessment
I'll bring a mate with me".
Now, what I thought assessment meant was,
I will come to my home
and check out the area.
Oh, you fucking know, don't you?
They weren't interested in my yard.
They were interested in me.
As soon as I walked
in, he had something under his arm.
I go, "What's that?"
He says "Scale?"
I went, "Oh, I don't do that".
He said, "No, no you are
just going to hop on it so we can"
I said, "Oh, I don't hop"
He goes, "Alright, we're going to take
your measurements for the assessment".
Now, this might surprise you,
but at school I did discus,
and I also took sewing.
I was very confused.
So I know what a sewing
measure tape looks like,
but I also know what a
discus measure type looks like.
And this little fucker had one of those.
He says to his mate that's measuring me
He goes, "Jimmy go round the outside"
And every day he'd just
be pounding me, pounding me
with all these exercises and stuff.
And he'd do these many, like, pep talks.
And I realize that it's impossible
to keep a personal trainer happy.
You can't do it.
He's obsessed with how much water
I'm drinking.
Every day he goes,
"How much water did you drink yesterday?"
Two litres.
"Tomorrow, let's try for five".
Ok, tomorrow he gets in.
"How much water did you drink?"
"Ten litres."
"OK, tomorrow, let's try for 50"
Tomorrow, he'd say.
"How much water did you drink?"
"Oh, I fell in a water tank
and I drank my way out."
He says "Tomorrow let's try for two".
How much water I'm drinking
and how much I'm sleeping.
Every fucker.
How much did you sleep last night?
I'm like, who's sleeping?
I'm up all night pissing!
All right, bro,
you've got to make up your mind.
It's either one or the other.
I can't do both.
Because Im up in the
middle of the night because I need to pee.
And I panic, because I'm not sleeping
and I eat a whole sleeve of Tim Tams.
But one day after a particularly
vigorous exercise, I couldn't get up,
and he was trying to get me up.
And he goes, look,
you need to keep your head up.
Just think about this.
He says "The dopamine hit
you get from exercise,
is higher and bigger than the
dopamine hit you get during sex."
And in that moment,
I knew this kid doesn't know how to fuck.
And I said to myself,
I said, "Self, I would rather be fat and
good at sex than skinny and shit at sex".
And I told him
to get the fuck out of my yard.
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much!
Urzila Carlson!
Rhys Nicholson!
Please thank everyone you saw tonight.
As they come out on stage.
That was the big queer comedy concert.
Thank you and good night.
Good night!
Welcome to the Rhys Nicholson
Big Old Queer Comedy Concert
Please welcome to the stage
the most beautiful woman in the world,
it's me.
It's Rhys Nicholson!
Oh folks, Enmore theatre!
Big old queer comedy concert with
a currency of a whooping and a cheering,
How are you doing?
Fantastic, fantastic, thank you so
much for coming to see the show.
We have such, like a wild
lineup waiting backstage
some of the best queer
comedians Australasia has to offer.
They're waiting backstage.
Give them a round of applause.
Oh.
And I thought this might be a good idea.
Let's do, like, a little survey.
Yeah, it's a queer show.
Give me a cheer If you
identify as a queer person.
Give me a cheer.
Good numbers, good numbers.
We don't usually go to things, well done.
Now give me a cheer if you identify as
a heterosexual person, give me a cheer.
Much less. OK, great news.
Great news.
Now, a very important question.
Give me a cheer
if you are a heterosexual boyfriend that
has been dragged along, give me a cheer.
Hello!
Hello, fellas.
I'll be honest,
we got nothing for you.
Not written a single joke for you.
You have enough!
It truly is very lovely.
You know, it's
very nice to be doing a show.
It's nice to be like doing a
queer show, particularly
because sometimes we have this idea like,
Oh, do we even kind of need queer shows?
But no, this is I feel like,
especially when like, years ago,
when gay marriage happened,
the rest of the country was always like,
and you people are good now, right?
We're like, oh, no, we've not
even put out the hors d'oeuvres.
Er, so much to do. I think I find, most
of the homophobia I get these days,
I would more describe it as
kind of like fun homophobia.
I get kind of like cute,
adorable homophobia.
I recently, I was in my hometown in
Newcastle and a lady drove by in a car.
This is only recently, and she
shouted out, "Go home, poofter!"
Right? Which at first I
thought,
But then I thought, it's so lovely
to hear the word poofter again.
Isn't it? Like
Like when you hear poof you think,
fuck you've been bigoted for ages.
You really stuck to your guns.
Have you seen the Internet?
That's wild.
But then I had this weird thought.
I for some reason I, you never
expect straight women to be homophobic
for some reason.
I don't know why. I thought about it
and then I realized, does
that make me sexist for thinking that?
Like, what gives me the right to think
that she doesn't have the right to think
that I shouldn't have rights?
You know, it's
it's not right, you know.
But you know, I've been a
queer person for a long time.
I've been in a relationship. I'm in a
relationship with a man for 11 years.
His name is Kyron,
which is so close to a name.
And ahh.
It's Welsh.
It means new money.
And we've been
we've been together for a long time.
We've been together for 11 years.
And I've got to be honest,
It's gotten to the point where we, we're
starting to let ourselves go.
And it's nice, if you're in a
long term relationship, I recommend
let yourselves go.
I think it's a beautiful, it's a
beautiful affirmation to each other.
You know, it's kind of like
saying to each other just like,
hey, just, you know, all of this,
this is all you're like,
I'm not looking around anymore.
You know what I mean?
This is yours.
Then there's going to be more. But but,
but if, if you do let yourselves go,
you've got to make sure
it happens in parallel, like in unison.
Do you know what I mean?
You ever seen a couple
where someone's going through a fitness
journey and the other one isn't
and you're like, oh, they're getting away.
They're getting away.
They're getting away.
Like, this feels like when you
realize you're going to quit a job.
So you just start
stealing all the stationary.
I've got to get out of
this transaction on top.
Because we have little things.
I turned 32 this year,
which isn't old, I know 32 isn't old.
But I'd say, yeah, it's old,
it'd old enough.
I'm good to stop aging.
The rot has definitely begun.
There's a smell.
Now when I,
when I say that, I realize when
I complain about being in my thirties,
there will be people
in the audience in their forties
just quietly thinking of
themselves, well you just wait,
you wait, you wait until
you get into your forties.
That's when the shit really begins.
And then people in their
forties complain about aging.
So people in their fifties
start to kick off about it.
Well, you just you wait,
wait until you get into your fifties.
And I just keep going and
going and going, until someone
in their nineties is at a sance, like,
well you just wait until you're dead!
I think certain things
no one warns you about
your thirties, certain things just
crop up that you're not warned about.
This is a weird thing.
I was on a tour recently earlier
in the year and before I went on tour,
I thought I'm going to go and
get a check-up with my doctor,
a doctor that I've not seen
very many times.
And just through conversation
with this doctor, I realized that
he is a little bit younger than me.
No! I, I,
I didn't even know that was a possibility.
He said things like, Cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
It's like,
that's not for in here. I,
let's get you down off the high chair.
I've always had very, very
old doctors, very ancient doctors.
And there's something so
comforting about a very old doctor
because they are dead behind the eyes,
and that's what you want
from a medical professional.
You know what I mean?
They're world weary.
They've seen everything.
You never want to pique
your doctor's interest. You know?
With this old doctor,
I feel like I could
always be like, oh, is this bad?
And be like, "We saw a lot
of that in the trenches, you know",
but with this young guy,
it's like, is this a bad thing?
Be like, "I don't know.
I've never seen it before.
I'm going to get a
book deal out of you!"
I don't want to be his Elephant Man.
I think it's a maintenance time.
Your thirties.
That's what your thirties are all about.
Years ago, I, you know, my
Saturn returned and my metabolism left.
So I, I started to see a
personal trainer, and this is years ago.
At the time, I couldn't afford to see
a personal trainer and a therapist.
So my personal trainer
she just had two jobs, you know.
Just a lot of big chats
on the rowing machine.
Like, well, what even is gender?
Is it about my Dad?
It's not. It turns out.
More recently, you know,
I've tried to lose a little bit of weight,
and so I was like, Oh,
I'm going to start going to the gym again.
And, you know,
I just wanted to get into shape.
I don't care what shape a rhombus and
oblong, just something less organic.
And I started going to the gym again.
I was talking to a friend about this,
friend is a strong word.
Someone who is in my
life and will continue to be
until I do something about that.
You know what I mean?
You know those friends like a kind of a
life barnacle, do you know one of these?
But the beautiful thing is
we're all someone's life barnacle.
We're all barnacling up,
until we make the big ship in the sky.
I was talking my little barnacle mate
and saying, oh, I think
I'm going to start going to the gym.
She's a very gym centric person.
She was activewear at all times.
And I was saying, I'm going to do this.
And she said, "You know what
you got to do?" these are her exact words.
"You got to go to the gym at seven a.m.,
go to the gym at seven. a.m.
that's where the health lives."
Don't do it!
Don't go to the gym at seven a.m.
You know who is at the gym at seven a.m.?
It's all of the people
that go to the gym at seven a.m.
I bunch of tens!
I can't keep up with those people.
You're at a live comedy recording.
You can't keep up with those people.
This is what I do now.
This is my regime and I recommend it.
I go to the gym at 11 a.m..
Do it, go to the gym at 11 a.m..
Do you know who is at the gym at 11 a.m.?
It's all of the people that were told
to go there by their doctor and
and I don't want to be mean,
but I'm a god to those people.
Purely because I know how
like one of the machines work.
It's not a jetpack Terry, calm down.
It's difficult to find out
I'm a seven a.m. four
But like an 11a.m. nine!
You know, I
I go to this 24 hour gym.
It's a super straight gym.
You can tell it's a super
straight gym cause all the guys there,
they're all wearing, they're wearing three
quarter length shorts
do you know what I mean
and that's weird.
Straight men have a weird thing
about showing a full shin.
They're very Victorian that way.
I've always felt you can tell, you know,
if a gym is gay,
the shorts are just short, like,
you know, the gayer the gym,
the shorter the shorts just keeps getting
shorter and shorter and shorter
until it gets up to here.
And you look around and you think,
Well, I don't think this is a gym.
What's all the equipment for? Oh!
Oh, all right. Yeah, right.
That explains the cover charge.
Well, I think I would have
I think I would have, what it is about
my thirties is
I would have thought I would understand
the world a little bit more now by now.
And I think I'm understanding the world
less and less as time goes by.
I don't like Tic Toc to talk.
It's too noisy.
I don't like an app that just starts.
Give me a minute.
I'm trying to go to the toilet.
I saw this um.
I saw this thing recently with my
partner that really blew my mind.
Kyron, my partner and I,
we're at the point
in our relationship
where we like to go to nice restaurants.
We go on a date not every couple of weeks,
but we no longer speak
to each other in restaurants.
And I used to see couples not talking
in restaurants, and I'd think, that's sad.
But now I realize what they
were doing. They were listening.
So what we do
every couple of weeks we
sit in a nice restaurant in dead silence
and we listen to young new couples on
first dates, fuck it up!
Yeah.
It's an important point
to get to in your
relationship because inevitably
you will run out of things
to say to each other.
And you too, you can get angry about that,
or you can galvanize and point that fury
at everyone else.
Be the rage you want to see in the world.
This is about six months ago.
Kyron and I, we went to a nice restaurant
and was just sitting there
in silence eating our meals.
There's a young couple sitting
a couple of tables away within ear shot.
And they were a young, straight couple.
It was a man and a woman.
I don't know why I have to explain that?
Well, who knows anymore?!
I don't understand.
Anyway, there are a
young couple, they are about
like ten or 11 years younger than us,
so there are about 20, 21 years old.
And they were so confident.
I remember thinking
how confident they were
that we're flirting up a storm,
they were oozing confidence.
And they were flirting in a way
where I remember thinking,
Oh, these two people, they're new enough.
They've definitely had sex,
they have definitely had sex,
but they've not had to look at each other
naked yet for medical reasons.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, a special time in your life.
Al dente, relationship.
Throw that at the wall, it'll stick.
And then
they're chat, chat, chatting away,
they flirting up a storm.
And at one point
the guy said to the girl very confidently,
"Oh, I'm just going
to go to the bathroom."
And the girl said very comfortably back,
"Oh, I need to go to the bathroom, too.
Is it weird if we both go?"
And I thought. Yes, that is very weird.
But then I thought
they might be doing some drugs.
Bless these young people.
If you've not had your dinner yet,
you have the drugs after the dinner,
you're going to ruin your appetite.
You're wasting money on too, anyway.
So they, you'll learn, so they
they join the queue to the bathroom.
gender neutral bathrooms,
a beautiful thing.
Rows of cubicles
and the cubicles alternated.
It would be like a urinal,
and then a toilet,
a urinal, and a toilet,
a urinal and a toilet.
And they join the queue
and I needed to pee a little bit.
Not enough to go,
but enough to keep listening. So I
I joined them in the queue
and I'm just standing behind them.
I'm just scrolling through my phone,
just scrolling through.
There's nothing on my phone
because I'm just listening.
I'm like, Oh,
I'm doing a little play for them.
Like, Oh, I've got all these meetings
to cancel, you know, like
and I've never had a meeting before
and not once, and I keep cancelling them.
So I was just scrolling through them
when moving up the line.
And at one point
they get to the front of the line
and the cubicle door opens, cubicle
becomes available, it is for a urinal.
And the girl says to the guy
"Oh, there you go".
The guy looked at it went, "Oh, I'm"
And then there was this chilling silence,
where it became pretty
clear to all three of us
that this young man
needed to shit on this date!
And I was like, yeah.
Good, good.
I have something to tell Kyron
it's been years
So, I have news.
And then this thing happened, and this
is the thing that really blew my mind.
In this moment, this guy very
confidently said to this young girl
he was on a date with,
"Oh, no, I need to shit!"
And the girl was like, "Oh, all right".
And I was like, arrkk!
Like, I can't.
I can't move past it.
I keep putting myself in that situation
like, that happened,
that happened six months ago.
And I reckon I think about that.
Like, Im never not thinking about that,
do you know what I mean?, like
I keep putting myself in his position.
What would I do
if I was him in that situation?
What would I do?
What would I do? What would I do?
And I genuinely think
I would shit in the urinal.
Like, that's
That's the only clear path I can see!
All right, folks, I reckon we're ready.
You ready to kick this
show the fuck off tonight. Yes?
Alright.
Truly one of my best friends in the
entire world. You know her, you love her.
Lose your absolute fucking minds.
And welcome to the stage.
The one, the only.
It's Geraldine Hickey!
Wassap fuckers?
Yes. I have lost weight.
How did. How did I do it?
I was doing the 10,000 Step challenge.
And every day I was
walking around just walking
and walking
and go, oh, this takes forever.
There has to be a quicker way
of getting to 10,000 steps in a day.
Turns out there is.
It's called running.
I'm a runner now, yeah.
Did 12 K the other day.
Yeah I know, thank you.
Um, I am an elite athlete if you will.
Here's a story though,
about a time that I discovered
the limit of my endurance,
a limit of my athletic endurance, right.
Now my stories are like my runs
they go for a long time.
Because I take the scenic route.
Yeah, but when I get to the end,
we'll all be better people.
I was in Monkey Mia with my friend Jenny.
Anyone know Monkey Mia?
A few people know Monkey Mia, big fans.
There's dolphins there and no monkeys.
It's now on the beach there.
There was a hire place.
It had like, paddleboats, stand up
paddle boards and kayaks, and we went,
let's get a couple of kayaks, right?
So we went over.
Mick was the name of the guy
running the place,
And he goes, "Yeah, gidday girls. Yeah,
yeah. I'll give you a couple of kayaks".
No problem, right.
Give ya a couple of kayaks, what you want
to do is, what you want to do is get
in the kayak and just paddle over that
way and check out the beach over there."
I'm like, whoa,
that's exactly what we wanted to do.
Thank you, Mick.
He goes "Yeah paddle over there.
It probably take you about an hour
and have a look around and then yeah,
head on back and aahh, yeah
just so you know though girls
the wind is picking up.
Yeah.
Yeah nah, the wind's picking up, but umm
as long as you stick close to the shore,
you'll be fine. Ok?
Because see that sun over there
when that's going down
I want to be drinkin' beers
and not rescuing you, right?"
Righto Mick.
Thank you.
So we gave us a couple of sea
kayaks, right?
So off we paddled,
and we got we got over to the other
side, took us about 45 minutes.
Yeah, he said it'd be about an hour, but
endurance athlete right here.
Yeah.
And we got out, we had a look around,
we saw a crab.
That was pretty cool.
A little one and an octopus
and a dead fish, whatever.
All right, come on.
We'll get back in the kayaks.
We'll start heading back, right?
And I got back in the kayak.
We both got back in the kayaks.
And then as we started paddling off,
I looked down and I saw a sea turtle
I was like, oh, my gosh!
I've manoeuvred the kayak
around a little bit to have another
look at the sea turtle and ahh,
but it took off. I was fuck whatever that
was that was great. Saw a sea turtle.
Amazing, right?
So we started paddling, but it meant that
because I'd turn the kayak around a bit,
it meant that like, Jenny's kayak, which
she was like, kind of facing into
where like I said, the beach over there
and we wanted to get over there, right?
So she's kind of facing that
and I'm parallel, right?
So I thought, let's all go up
and then across like that, that's, that's
what I'll do.
We'll go up and then I'll go in like that.
And Jenny was like that.
So off, off we paddled
And umm
the last thing I heard Jenny say
was, "Geez he's not wrong about that wind"
So there's like the beach here.
There's me, but way out here.
There was a yacht, right?
So I was like, you know what?
As long as, I'm paddling
away and Im thinking,
as long as I can stay in between
the beach and the yacht, I'll be fine.
Yeah.
And then I was paddling
and then as I'm paddling,
I've just started workshopping,
accepting help
from the people on the yacht.
Right?
Because I am getting closer to the yacht,
and I think it's going to be embarrassing.
I'm going to have to accept that, you
know, just have some rich bloke going,
"What are you doing
out here you silly sausage?" Like, oh.
I don't know, I just,
I don't know what's happened.
"Get up here!"
Yes, well sorry.
Yes, I'd love some help. Thank you.
Yeah, well, yes, I'd love some bubbles.
But that's what's
going on in my head, right?
So I'm paddling,
paddling, paddling, paddling.
And then it was like it was a beach.
There was the yacht,
and then there was me.
Why out there? Right.
At that stage, I'm just waving the paddle
in the air towards the yacht going,
"Help!"
"Help!"
Actually found out that there was
no one on that yacht anyway.
I found out the next day.
But it was fine,
you know, at this stage though,
this is when I started paddling
just on one side, right.
Hoping that
that would get me to the shore, right?
So I'm just paddling on one side.
Now, Monkey Mia as you know, is known,
cause I told you at the start,
it's known for its dolphins, right?
And so I was paddling on one side,
just putting out some heavy duty vibes
into the water, going
"Flipper
I could really do with a dolphin rescue
right now."
You know, then I'm paddling, right?
And then all of a sudden,
right next to my kayak like,
right here, right
next to my kayak, up pops a dugong
just pfft, and I am so tired
and quite emotional, right?
Exhausted,
and I've turned to this dugong and I go.
"G'day mate."
"Hey do you reckon
you could give us a hand?"
Gone.
Right, just took off.
Just kept on paddling.
Im at the end.
And then I remembered, Im like
Oh my, hang on a second.
Before we left Mick, he goes,
"Now listen girls, if you do run into
any problems, take my number.
Right? And I took a photo of that.
Now, I don't know if you've ever been
swept out to sea on a sea kayak before,
and you've had to go through this process
because, I'm paddling and paddling
and paddling and then I've remembered.
Oh, that's right. Where's my phone?
In the dry bag. Where's that?
Right at the other end of the kayak.
Right, I'll just reach.
Get that, right. It's right.
Paddle, paddle, paddle.
I take a break and get the phone out,
go to photos, right?
Just go on, just get on it.
Photos, scroll, scroll,
Oh, my God.
How many photos of a dead fish
did I take?
Just
Eventually I get the
number out right and I ring it.
And it rings, right?
It rings and it rings.
And then it goes to message bank, right?
And it goes to the message bank that goes.
This message will be sent as a text.
That's too much pressure. That's
Right, but I've faced it.
It went this,
this message will be sent as a text beep.
"G'day Mick, It's Geraldine
and I hired the kayaks with Jenny
you were right about that
wind and I'm fucked!" Right?
Lots of crying and paddling.
And then all of a sudden,
like it had been a couple of minutes,
I look up and there's Mick, right.
There he is in his boat.
I've never been so relieved
to see somebody in my life right.
Helps me up on the boat.
We tie the kayak to the back of the boat,
and he goes,
"Did you try and call?
And I went, "yeah, you'll have a message".
And he goes,
"yeah no, because I've got binoculars
yeah, I've got binoculars and I can see
you were in a bit of strife".
I was in strife for a while.
Yeah.
What was Mick doing?
Yeah, just
oh, no she's talking
to a dugong we're gotta go.
I've got to go too.
Thanks very much.
I've been Geraldine Hickey good night!
Geraldine Hickey!
Our next act is a rising star
in this industry,
and I'm really like,
fucking thrilled to get to bring him out.
You're going to absolutely love him.
Please lose your minds for the one,
the only, its Jay Wymarra!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hello Enmore, my darlings.
I'm so happy to be here with you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad I waxed for this.
And I don't mind telling you.
I don't mind telling you as a black man,
I've got some hair on me.
I really do.
I wasn't always a bear,
but there was always a forest.
You know what I mean?
Oh, goodness me.
Like, and I needed to get waxed.
Like, sometimes you just know, ladies,
sometimes we just know, don't we?
Absolutely. You know how I know?
I took a bloke home a couple of weeks
back, and I knew I needed to because
as soon as I dropped my dacks,
two hobbits fell out, and I'm
oh, look, I don't mind telling you
that I am a massive Lord of the Rings fan,
because in the community
I'm from, before the movies came out,
Lord of the Rings
was just what we called gay men.
Then look now, Lord of your ring ooh.
And I mean, that sort of that
sort of thing sticks with you in your own
childhood and into adulthood, which is
why every time I walk past a Michael Hill,
I tense up when they're offering
a special on ring cleaning, anyway.
Stop it.
So tonight, just for you,
I'm going to unveil an educational tool
that I have been working on.
It's a little analogy.
I want you to picture the entire spectrum
of human sexuality
as a multi-lane highway.
OK, everyone's got a lane.
Some people change lanes.
Some people stay once
they find their lane.
And this is how it breaks down.
We've got the heterosexual people.
More than I expected.
OK, your lane's pretty easy.
It's dead in the middle,
It just goes straight
and you don't let anybody merge.
Oh, it gets better, then we've got
the most famous lane, the gay lane.
I'm staying up the road.
Um, the gay lane, very easy to identify.
All right.
It's just one big party line
heading all the way down Oxford Street.
It's just got the Priscilla bus
and Kylie Minogue on the stereo.
There's glitter flying
out of those exhaust pipes.
And it's legal to tailgate, but
And then you've got the lesbian lane.
Now the lesbian lane,
real easy to identify.
It's just full of Subarus,
Hilux's and U-Hauls.
And then my personal
favorite, the transgender lane.
Where are you darlings?
I love you guys.
I really do.
And I'm just going to get
a bit serious for just a second.
I think that you might
be the key to our salvation.
I mean that, you're the ones
to bring us forward into the light.
I say that because you're driving on a
highway
that wasn't built with you in mind.
It wasn't built with any of us in mind.
But you still have
the right to drive on it.
And finally,
the bisexuals, the pansexual
and the outwardly queer.
Where are you darlings?
We are the harder lane to spot
because it could be any one of us.
What I love about us is that we can
change lanes any time we want,
but we don't have to indicate.
My name is Jay Wymarra.
I love you.
Happy World Pride darlings.
Jay Wymarra!
Our next act, truly, we
started doing comedy together,
and I'm just so obsessed with her.
She's an artist in
every sense of the word.
Please lose your absolute fucking minds
and welcome to the stage.
It's Cassie Workman!
Hello.
Hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
I'm trans, by the way.
Don't panic, we'll get to it.
Hello oh.
Isn't this lovely?
This is lovely, isn't it?
Isn't it nice to be out and about?
Isn't that good? Did anybody else
get out of lockdown and then remember
what the world is like
and then want to go back in a bit?
Oh, I did.
I got over going out.
I got over going out.
When I realized all of the booze
and the dancing and the drugs
were essentially an
extravagant preamble to a kebab.
You know?
You know? Oh, and I,
I got old during lock down.
I got old, oh.
Do you know how I figured this out?
Because I like to watch
the makeup tutorials.
Oh, you ever seen the makeup tutorials?
And they got all the people on them, and
they're doing they got the liquid eyeliner
and they're doing old calligraphy
on their eyes and shit.
Oh, and God bless them,
they're beautiful.
But the reason why they can do that
is because they're 20
and their eye skin doesn't move around.
Yeah.
I'm 40 years old,
I can't use liquid eyeliner.
So using liquid eyeliner
it looks like I'm signing my name
on a loose garbage bag.
You know,
the skin all bunches around the brush.
Looks like I'm
scraping an omelette into the trash.
I'm trans. I had to change
my entire wardrobe at once.
That's fucked!
Oh, and here's the thing about that.
Women's clothing,
completely different sizes in every brand.
It's just an arbitrary
cavalcade of nonsense.
The numbers mean nothing.
And I think that this is a conspiracy
by men,
to gaslight women into thinking that
we are not good at judging
the size of things.
I have OCD and PTSD,
which is a bad
bunch of letters to have in life.
But it's also a bad
bunch of letters to have in Scrabble.
You got to keep it in perspective.
Very poor,
I've been poor my entire life.
I remember growing up, the
other kids had Tamagotchi's, you know?
I had a tapeworm.
It died because I forgot to feed it.
I am transgender.
I recently started transitioning
from male to female, so thank you.
You have other achievements that's fine.
But I did, I recently started
transitioning from male to female,
so that at the moment, I'm, I'm making
like, like 90 cents on the dollar.
It's, it's going around.
People sometimes say to me,
they say, oh, do you miss being a man?
Do you miss being a man?
Fuck no!
I miss pockets!
I miss pockets.
I do.
Why won't they give women pockets?
Are they scared it's where
we're going to keep our witchcraft?
Scientists think that they
might be able to transplant a uterus.
Now, that's exciting.
That's exciting development
for trans women in the future.
That's good, isn't it?
They still can't sew a pocket into
some fucking jeans though can they?
I would,
I would definitely get a uterus.
Not, not because I want to have kids.
I just need somewhere to put my keys.
They're trying
to exclude trans women from sport.
They want to exclude
trans women from sport.
That breaks my heart.
If I'd had known that I could be excluded
from sport,
for being a trans woman,
I would have come out in high school.
Fuck sport. I hate sport.
Who gives a shit?
What else you want to exclude me from?
Long lines and shark attacks?
I don't give a shit
That's dumb. Obviously, that's,
that's a terrible thing, right?
I've only ever once had an advantage over
other women in sports.
I remember my Phys Ed teacher coming in,
and he was like,
"Ok, today we are going to play
dodgeball. The object of dodgeball is
do not get hit by the ball."
And I was like, no problem.
And I went and smoked weed on the beach.
To the best of my knowledge,
I remain undefeated.
I go through puberty.
I don't know if cis people know this
about trans people, but the hormones
that they give you to transition right,
are exactly the same as the hormones
of your gender during puberty.
So some trans
people have the incredible privilege
of going through puberty twice yeah.
You'd think that
would make you better at it.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Very difficult
to go through puberty at age 40,
because I have the interests
of an adult, right?
But the emotions of a teenage girl.
So like I have this overwhelming
desire to rebel against authority,
but also I really like Camembert.
So I don't know,
I don't know what to do with that.
I got ants in my apartment.
You ever had ants in your apartment,
yet you had ants in your apartment.
Is this relatable
should I go back to the trans shit?
You ever had cockroaches
in your apartment, you ever had that?
Yeah. You know what they say, right?
For every cockroach that you see,
there's 20 more that you don't see.
Yeah.
Does that mean that if you don't see any,
there's like 19 just hanging out?
Just waiting for their friend.
But I do, I have ants, and so what I did
was I got some ant poison right?
And the way that the ant poison works
is that you put it out and the ants,
they think it's a treat
and they pick it up
and they take it back to their nest
and they give it to their queen
and it kills her. Right?
And then the rest of the ants, I assume,
die from grief.
I don't know.
That's so fucked up.
Only a human would think to do that.
Only a human would be like, "Oh ants, you
are a minor inconvenience to me.
So I'm going to spend years
learning how your civilization works
and then trick
you into committing regicide".
If ants ever learned
about the Geneva Convention, we're fucked!
I didn't even want to kill the ants.
I just wanted them to go outside.
That's why I've been giving the ants acid.
At first, they were having
kind of a bad trip, you know?
So then I dressed up like an ant.
And I was like, nah bro,
you're just having a bad trip.
You just need to go outside
I may have also taken some of the acid.
And in fact,
I don't even know if I have ants,
I got to, I got to go.
Bye. Love you.
Cassie Workman!
Tell you what, I like, I was talking
about this a little bit earlier.
I do get this, and I feel like we all get
this is kind of adorable,
kind of weird homophobia these days.
And then I go to this gym, right?
And I'm not good at going to the gym.
I just go in and I just kind of pick
things up, and I put them back down again.
I'm. I'm often dressed
like this. I'm not I'm not.
I'm not good at the gym,
but at this 24 hour gym
because all the
straight guys go to this gym,
sometimes I get this
weird cute homophobia.
Because I'll go into the change room.
Sometimes I go
in the middle of the night after a show,
and no matter what time
I go into the change room,
there's always a room
full of naked straight guys.
And when I walk in
and look in the way that I do,
there's always this weird reaction.
They'll just like turn around.
They always like, they don't
want to see their dicks or something.
Like I'm some sort of Moses parting
the cock seas.
This happened about a year ago.
I live in Melbourne. I went to the gym
in Melbourne in the middle of the night.
There was one other guy
in the change room.
He was completely naked.
He saw me.
He didn't just turn around he like
like slowly
turned around like,
like minimal movement, like for real.
Like he thought
I was a raptor or something like,
There was a dick in here
a second ago and I don't,
don't seem to be able
to focus on it right now.
Clever girl.
Like what?
It's a fun reference, but like,
what do the straight men think?
What do the straight men think,
that I as a queer person,
I'm going to walk into a
room full of naked straight men and
I just can't help myself.
Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
Like I'm some sort of cummie Pac-Man
sucking down cock ghosts.
Wild
Such an interesting we have.
I was looking at some pornography
recently, as is my right.
Got to do something on the bus, you know.
And I've
I've come to realize.
The older I get just how much porn lies.
Like, I know we all know that,
but there's a particular thing
that I think porn lies about.
I always think in porn
the way that men, like in porn men
they always like, no matter
what kind of porn it is, they always like.
They like shoot.
Do you know what I mean
they get some distance behind them
and some velocity
and they're just fucking like.
I've never shot before,
like my penis.
Like, she like,
like my penis is more, it doesn't shoot it
kind of like, like throws up,
do you know what I mean like,
like throughout most of sex
my penis is like.
Im alright, oh, I think I'm ok.
I think,
I think, argh.
I have to hold her
hair back, you know, it's
I talk about sex so much, but it's weird.
I actually have quite a low sex drive,
really, like on the spectrum of things.
But, you know, the thing about me, I've
always been a late bloomer my whole life.
All my all my big moments.
On the big milestones, though
they've always come very late in life,
but they've always made up for lost time.
Like, for example,
I didn't have my first sip of alcohol
until I was 17, which is quite late
in Newcastle where I grew up,
but I made up for lost time.
I drank a bottle of Southern Comfort
and threw up in an aboveground pool.
Im a delight.
I didn't have my first cigarette until
I was 18, but I made up for lost time.
I smoked a packet of Marlboro
Reds in the one night
and threw up in an aboveground pool.
I'm a delight.
And then I didn't lose my virginity
till I was almost 18,
quite like where I grew up,
but I made up for lost time.
I lost my virginity to a guy
that had a penis that could easily feed
a family of four!
Like it was such a big dick,
you guys was such a big dick.
It came with a side of a
garlic bread and a Viennetta.
That's, a really big dick.
This is how big that dick was.
It didn't just take my virginity,
it put my virginity in the back of a car.
It drove it to the outskirts of town.
It threw it out and said,
If ever you come back,
I'm going to hurt your fucking family.
So pretty big dick, you guys.
I think it's the biggest dick I've ever
seen, I think. But like,
have you ever been back to your primary
school and looked around and thought,
I remember all this
being so much bigger?
You know, I was just.
If you actually, that joke
is not as full on as you think it is.
But I know I talk about sex a lot,
but I'm not really that I don't like.
I've become fascinated with the idea
recently that, like, people have fetishes.
It's like statistically a whole bunch of
people in this room have fetishes.
And that's so cool.
I would think though that the way
that I am with sex, like
I always wonder if you've got a fetish
and you start dating someone like when,
when, do you tell them?
Do you know what I mean? Like,
you can't be just like blah!
You got to like ease them into it.
Of course, like that's
the kind of correct way to do it.
I always imagine it would have to happen,
you know, when you
first start dating someone
and you're sleeping over their house
and like, you know,
you have a sleepover for the first time
and they're cooking breakfast
the next morning
and just having those conversations
about things you do and don't like.
And one of you is like,
"I don't like shallots"
and the other one's like,
"I want to fuck your feet!"
And you're like, "All right, Jesus".
What like, like, together?
Or do you just want to like on them,
like as long as no shallots involved,
I don't know this is.
What do you do with them? Stir fries?
Is that the?
But there was kind of
radio chatter a couple of years ago
within my relationship that we might want
to get like a sex toy involved,
which I was, I was against
getting a sex toy at first.
First of all, because I felt like
it would be taking away a job
from a local, homegrown,
hardworking Australian dick.
You know, I'm patriotic
in very strange ways,
but also I would think, like,
if you own a sex toy,
this is what I used
to think about it I guess,
if you own a sex toy, you're
not just thinking about it all the time.
I'd always be thinking like, someone's
gonna find it, someone's gonna find it.
It's in the sock drawer,
they're going to find it.
They are going to know they're having sex.
They're going to know
that I'm having bonkers sex.
I'd be thinking about it all the time,
all the time, all the time.
I'd be out and about, I'd be running
my errands, I'd be hit by a bus,
and my last words
would be like "My dildos!".
"What were their last words?
Oh, don't worry about that".
"But they were so brave".
We went, this is a few years ago now.
We went to a sex shop,
Kyron and I, somewhat ironically.
People in long term relationships
will know exactly what I mean.
Every now and then,
you go into a sex shop as a couple,
and you just walk around you like, ha ha,
we're just here
to buy a joke present for a friend.
But what's happening in here?
And we
we were in there for about half an hour,
and I spent most of the time
just walking around
looking at stuff going, oh boy,
I hope that never happens to me.
Jesus Christ!
In this sex shop, there was a wall.
A wall of rubber fists, a wall of them.
It looks like a climbing wall
just like, every shape, gesture,
why is that one
holding an apple? Why? Why?
I've always wondered like, why do you
need a rubber fist? Why do you need it?
Why do you need it? Like unless,
you're missing an arm, you know?
Of course and like,
maybe you're on your way to an auction.
Or you know, some sort of pride parade.
Like, at what point in your life
are you ever going to have two arms
inside of someone and just think,
if only we brought a third!
You know like, it's just.
I've been trying to work out why, why
I used to be so freaked out by sex toys.
And I think I worked it out. I had a
friend in high school, end of story.
No, blackout, awards.
Now I,
I had a friend that when we were about 15
she found her parents double ended dildo.
Correct response.
It's the most full on thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
Again, it happened 17 years ago
and I'm never not thinking about it.
It's always in there
all the time, all the time.
And as a teenager I remember
thinking, that it is disgusting,
burn that down, salt the earth,
so nothing may grow there again.
But now, as an adult, I'm in my thirties.
I'm in a long term relationship
and I'm like, no, that is lovely.
Like that's, that's beautiful.
Like that's, that's,
you know, they've found each other.
They've found the other half
of the golden amulet.
That's their relationship.
They're in their fifties,
their sixties, their seventies.
They're still doing
weird shit to each other.
I think that it's so beautiful. It's a
really beautiful modern take on that
scene in Disney's Lady and the Tramp,
where they're eating the pasta.
I've got reboot ideas!
You're ready to kick off
some more of this show!
You guys are the greatest.
Our next act, another true great.
I'm obsessed with this man.
He got me through the pandemic
with his Internet presence.
I love him so much. He's here
all the way from New Zealand.
Please lose your minds
for the one, the only.
It's Chris Parker!
Hi, how are ya?
Oh, my gosh. Thanks for having me.
Oh, I'm so excited to be here.
Although it's quite surreal,
because literally a week ago,
I officially became a married man.
My God. Thank you.
Thank you for your approval.
Just working on God's now.
We'll get there.
He did not RSVP.
Honestly, it was quite stressful
organizing a gay wedding, right?
Like, is anyone else married out here?
OK, a few yeah, yeah, all right.
No one in my family
had ever been to a gay wedding before,
and they're all like, "oh, I've never
been to a gay wedding before,
can't wait to be entertained
by the night of my lives".
They're expecting me
to be dressed in that, like, dress
from The Hunger Games
that burst into flames.
Walking down the aisle with
fireworks going off in my shoes.
No, we crushed it.
Of course I forgot,
you know because, like,
Damien's, like biggest,
like most significant contribution
to this planet has been organizing
fun parties.
We are so good at it, right?
Like, it's our super power.
Like, they should include
it in the Captain Planet Squad.
Remember them, you know, just like
"earth, wind, fire, water, heart".
And then some poofter
on the side thing, being like "Im Vince".
Nah, honestly, I'm just glad
I didn't embarrass myself,
like I did at our
like last big family function.
Which was my Grandmother's funeral.
OK, hear me out save space and listen.
So Mom was trying to decide
who the pallbearers
were going to be for the funeral.
You know, the, you know, the pallbearers.
I mean, not like that, obviously.
Whoo, one last ride for Grandma.
No, it was, so mom's trying
to decide how she's casting it.
She's like, "Right who's it going to be?
Obviously Nick, my husband,
yes you'll be a pallbearer.
Lyle, my brother, yes, Alex, yes."
I'm floating in the background,
trying to get my Mom's attention.
Woo, she's like, "Oh, fuck, Chris, Jesus!
Oh, I thought, you're a ghost".
She's back to haunt me.
Who else? Who else?
I went in for the kill. I was like
"Mom, you know, I could do this.
You know, I go to the gym.
Well, I've got a gym membership.
You know, I could
I could be up there with the boys!"
Mom's like, "Listen you just cry
at every family function.
I can't have you up there upset".
I was like "No Mom,
I'll be a good boy. I'll do what boys do.
I'll get all my feelings.
I'll just push them way down,
for 30 years until one day I snap".
So I got the role Australia!
Yeah,
I mean, not the lead role, obviously.
That was my grandmother.
Best supporting actress, that was me.
Thank you, yeah, I will say,
I was slightly out of my depth.
Yeah, turns out coffins are fucking heavy!
They're made out of full wood.
Wood, wood, wood the whole thing.
And I thought it was just there for show.
And they took the body out.
But fuck no, she was in there!
With all her fucking books,
and I hadn't thought about that either.
OK, so day of the big performance,
the funeral sorry,
the funeral we're all there.
And we decided we were going
to walk her out to Amazing Grace.
And initially I heard that song choice,
I thought it was a bit clich.
But it stops playing
and I'm instantly sobbing,
Mom sitting beside me like,
"Here we fucking go".
So all the lads are gathering around
the coffin about to do their moment.
And they're doing that thing that the boys
do, you know when there's a job at hand,
but they don't know
if they're going to pull it off or not,
you know, they're just
looking into each other's eyes
and they're just psyching each other out.
They're like
"Yeah man I fucking got this,
have you got this?
Yeah, fuck yeah man, I've got this
Yeah, have you
Honestly, I don't think we've got this!
But there's no time to check and
we're fucking lifting the thing.
I'm using my full spine, not my knees.
And I'm like, "No, I do not have this!"
And we're walking and we're walking,
and I'm like "I'm going to drop it,
I'm going to drop my grandmother
right here, right now.
And the thing about like,
a funeral is it's not like a wedding,
you know, where there's like a
rehearsal dinner the night before,
you all get to practice.
No, we're just sort of flying
by the seat of our pants.
We're improvising. Yes, and so I
I grabbed the front handle, you know,
so I'm leading the ship, and
I'm gay, so I'm hopeless with directions.
I don't know where we're going.
And we're walking and we're walking.
I can feel it slipping out of my hands.
And I want to regrip,
you know, get a proper grip on the coffin.
But, you know moving a coffin, it's
not like moving a couch into a new house.
You know, when it
gets that heavy, you like,
"Should we fucking put this down
for a second?"
Jesus Christ!
"Righto boys, that's a heavy girl!"
Like, no, we are persevering, so we're
still walking, we're still walking.
I can feel my visions
starting to go out like this.
And the thing is, I decided
to wear a statement ring.
Because I was like, yes, it's a funeral,
but I'm still pulling a look.
And ahh, I know I'm toxic.
The ring
catches on the handle of the coffin.
So the weights going down,
my arms going up
and my fingers going full, dark purple.
And now I'm not worried about dropping it.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm just worried
about ripping my whole finger off
and bleeding throughout this whole church.
We're still walking. I can't believe it.
I'm sobbing Amazing Grace.
I can't believe
how long we've been walking for.
And now we're walking out of the church.
I'm like,
"What, we're leaving the church?
Are we walking straight to the grave?"
I'm not going to make it that far.
You'll have to bury me there with her.
Honest to God, we're walking now
around the carpark of the funeral.
I'm like, with this coffin.
I'm like a stressed out
mom at the mall at Christmas weekend.
You know, looking for the car.
It's like, "Where's the car parked?
Where's the car parked?
Shut up kids?
Where's the car parked?"
But luckily, we find the hearse that's
parked around the side of the church.
And we're able to load her,
and they drive it to the hole.
But the thing my family has this crazy
relationship with that graveyard
because listen, when my Grandfather died,
when I was six years old,
my Mother was like, "Whoo, don't be sad.
No, what we'll do
is we'll go visit your Grandfather
every Christmas, because nothing
says Christmas like a graveyard visit".
So every year, me and my extended family,
all ten of us would gather in a circle
around my grandfather's grave.
And we talk to him
as if he was sort of lying
out there on summer holiday just like
and every year,
my dad would make this weird, dark joke
where he'd go, "Oh, a bit hairy
on the chest this year, Billy.
Which was the
grass growing over the grave,
and then, we'd all hold hands
and swing and sing
We wish you a merry Christmas.
And every year we'd walk in there,
just like, in our late twenties,
hung over from Christmas Eve,
just being like, no one wants to be here.
Why are we doing this?
And every year
my Grandmother would make this dark joke,
she'd be like,
"Well, I'll be in there next year".
And we were like, "No, Grandma, no".
Later on down the line. We were like,
"Well, maybe I don't know".
And one year she got it, she knew.
It was in that final year.
We're all walking in,
and no one wants to be doing it.
"Oh, let's just get this
over and done with".
We're standing in the circle,
all ten of us, just ten adults
standing around the grave, and we realize
my Mom and my Grandmother are not with us.
They're back at the car,
and Mum is in a real flap.
She's like, "Oh, guys, sorry, sorry you.
Yeah, we're sorry, we're just struggling
with your grandmother
walking her on the uneven grass,
because he was parked
six graves in, best grave on the street.
And so, we're looking at each other like,
"Oh my God,
we're not going
to have to do it this year.
The traditions off, it ends here and now".
And they want my Mom says is,
what my mum says is,
"So, so what, what we're going to do
is, we're gunna
we're gunna gather around this grave!"
So my whole family
of ten adults gather around Terry's grave.
We do not know Terry!
Then, "Hi Terry.
Yeah, fucking nice to meet you I guess".
Dad goes "A bit hairy
on the chest this year Terry".
And then, we all hold
hands and swing and sing
We wish you a merry Christmas.
And all I could think at the time was,
what if Terry's family shows up!
and they're like,
who's this cult of adults around
late Terry's grave in Christmas cracker
party hats
swinging their hands
screaming to the heavens,
bring us a figgy pudding
I'll leave you on this last little detail.
This is at my Grandmother's funeral.
All those years later,
she got buried with my Grandfather.
So beautiful, I took my ring off.
Learnt from my mistakes.
This is your funeral.
I mean, like, I know that your weddings,
you big, important day,
but you do have to share it.
Your funeral is all about you.
So we're walking her
coffin to her grave to get buried.
And my whole family, no shit, walked past
Terry's grave and they all go,
"Hi, Terry" like that.
Thank you so much Australia!
Chris Parker!
Oh, folks.
We have one more act.
Are you ready for your final act?
Oh, boy.
We are ending on a doozy.
You will know her. You love her.
Please welcome the international superstar
that is
Urzila Carlson!
Hello Sydney!
Stop it.
You're going overboard.
I love it. I love it.
Oh, my God. How good is it to be out?
I just want to talk to you
about my Grandfather Terry.
Fuck it's good to be out.
So we're traveling again.
The world's open,
Covid it's a thing of the past.
Im so happy, look I mean,
don't get me wrong,
I didn't hate being in lock down
for a little bit with the family
because I'm on the road
300 days of the year,
so it was a great time to get to know
the little one.
You know, when you're in lock down,
and you go, "Fuck, who's that?"
"It's your youngest."
"Oh, yeah? Of course."
"Looks just like me."
I am away, you know,
you realize overall with your family,
you only need about 20 hours
worth of love for them a week.
The rest of the time, they're at work,
you're at work, they're at school,
they do activities, you're
sitting extra 30 minutes in the car park
just avoiding them, going
"Um almost home".
That last three kilometers to your house.
You're doing 20
kilometers an hour, fuck!
Trying to get there after bath time.
You finally get home.
No, I mean, I love my family,
but like I say, we're on the road
300 days of the year.
Usually we travel together as a pack,
which is very romantic and cute and shit.
But the problem is,
my wife is absolutely petrified of flying,
which is a humongous fucking handbrake.
But, you know, I'm nothing
if not supportive.
Like, not in the beginning.
You know, the beginning years of your
relationship, everything's amazing.
Like, you see, even the ads
where someone's got, or on a movie,
they've got a bit of something
on their cheek.
And you go, you got something,
and then you kiss it off.
And then you fast forward a few years
and you go,
"Wipe that shit off your face!"
You look like a fucking idiot!
But I'm supportive, supportive.
So what I would do, because we fly so much
the night before, I would look up
which planes we're taking, which flights.
And then I would write down
all the safety details for that plane.
Like I'd go, "We're flying on the ATR 72.
It is the safest plane in their fleet.
They've never had
an incident with this plane.
These seats are the best ones for sound.
These are the best ones for accidents.
Not that we'd know, cause
they've never had one.
And I would give her
the whole fucking brief.
I'd even make shit up about the pilot.
No one knows who they are.
I don't know why they say.
"And today I will be flying you",
Oh my gosh, guys,
Kevin's flying us to Brisbane!
Who gives a shit?
No one's ever stopped and gone
"Fuck, we've got them"
A bit of a shame, really.
We don't give a fuck.
We're not allowed to go in there anymore.
Now, other job, you don't
go to the supermarket, then they go.
"So today you've got
Tracy on the Olympia 3000.
She'll be checking you out
and ringing your stuff through.
She'll be loading all of your groceries
from that entire trolley
into one reusable bag".
So that now you either need
to start fucking a bodybuilder
to get that bag in your house.
Or buy a crane
or have more children.
Who am I kidding?
There not fucking helping
No other job do they give a shit
so I would work through
the whole thing with her.
You know, the safety thing.
Say you're safe.
I try and tell her you're safe.
And I'm the person she loves
so she should trust me.
But she doesn't. She's still scared
and that gets quite tiring, quite quickly.
So I just started making audio recordings
for her and then flicking her
the file as we got on the plane so
she can work through that in her own time.
Cos I've got an audio book
that needs listening to,
Which I get, It's not as romantic,
but she explained it to me.
She says, it's not the flying that scares
her she goes, "It's the crashing".
And I said, "I think you'll find
that's the thing that
scares the fuck out of all of us".
Then she goes,
"No, it's not just the crashing
It's that moment
when you're in the air in the plane
and you realize,
oh no, this plane is going to crash.
So that two seconds to two minutes,
depending on how fast it crashes,
that sheer terror
is the thing that scares her.
She says "That's the thing
that that makes me wake up
in the middle of the night
in a cold sweat.
That's why I want a
Valium before I fly". I go
"Yeah. We, none of us want that."
That's why they
put the brace position to the front.
So you shit up the back.
Because they don't want to be
sifting through your faeces
looking for your teeth.
You know, leaning on the seat in front,
is not going to save your life.
But it makes it a fuck load less gross
when they try and identify your body.
But then she said to me
early on in our relationship, she said,
"Now this is going to sound weird,
when I tell you it's going to hit your
ears weird
as soon as it's
on the outside of my mouth".
But just listen to it.
Sit with it for a second, ok?
She's, she made me promise.
She said, if we're ever in a plane crash,
we realize this plane is going to crash.
She goes, promise me you'll kill me.
I told you it's going
to hit it weird right?
Now, If you think about it,
it sounds gross, but
she reckons in this moment
in her life, that is the worst thing
that could possibly happen to her.
Her biggest phobias coming true.
She trusts me.
The person she loves
most on the world to kill her.
This is before we had kids.
Now she would use me as a fucking shield.
But she wants me to end her life,
to stop her suffering.
And initially I thought that was romantic.
But then it hit me.
I'm on the plane too.
I too will be going through
the same terror that she's going through.
But, before you die,
you've got one more chore to do.
Quickly take out the trash
before you die.
It got to a point where
we can be on a domestic flight.
Like, we'll, we'll be flying
from Melbourne to Sydney
as soon as we get on the plane.
I start making a shiv.
I like to be prepared.
So I'm making a shiv,
we hit a bit of turbulence,
I've already stabbed her three times.
She's like, "What's this turbulence?
I'm not even scared".
I'm like, "Die, bitch, die!"
So we got a divorce.
But I did what everyone does.
As soon as I get a divorce,
I got a personal trainer.
Yeah, it didn't take thanks.
So what happens was,
I've never had a personal trainer before,
so I found out this kid that I knew
that used to play cricket with my nephew.
You probably don't
need all of this detail and
I said to him,
because he's a personal trainer,
and he goes, "Yeah, I'll come round
and we'll do an assessment
I'll bring a mate with me".
Now, what I thought assessment meant was,
I will come to my home
and check out the area.
Oh, you fucking know, don't you?
They weren't interested in my yard.
They were interested in me.
As soon as I walked
in, he had something under his arm.
I go, "What's that?"
He says "Scale?"
I went, "Oh, I don't do that".
He said, "No, no you are
just going to hop on it so we can"
I said, "Oh, I don't hop"
He goes, "Alright, we're going to take
your measurements for the assessment".
Now, this might surprise you,
but at school I did discus,
and I also took sewing.
I was very confused.
So I know what a sewing
measure tape looks like,
but I also know what a
discus measure type looks like.
And this little fucker had one of those.
He says to his mate that's measuring me
He goes, "Jimmy go round the outside"
And every day he'd just
be pounding me, pounding me
with all these exercises and stuff.
And he'd do these many, like, pep talks.
And I realize that it's impossible
to keep a personal trainer happy.
You can't do it.
He's obsessed with how much water
I'm drinking.
Every day he goes,
"How much water did you drink yesterday?"
Two litres.
"Tomorrow, let's try for five".
Ok, tomorrow he gets in.
"How much water did you drink?"
"Ten litres."
"OK, tomorrow, let's try for 50"
Tomorrow, he'd say.
"How much water did you drink?"
"Oh, I fell in a water tank
and I drank my way out."
He says "Tomorrow let's try for two".
How much water I'm drinking
and how much I'm sleeping.
Every fucker.
How much did you sleep last night?
I'm like, who's sleeping?
I'm up all night pissing!
All right, bro,
you've got to make up your mind.
It's either one or the other.
I can't do both.
Because Im up in the
middle of the night because I need to pee.
And I panic, because I'm not sleeping
and I eat a whole sleeve of Tim Tams.
But one day after a particularly
vigorous exercise, I couldn't get up,
and he was trying to get me up.
And he goes, look,
you need to keep your head up.
Just think about this.
He says "The dopamine hit
you get from exercise,
is higher and bigger than the
dopamine hit you get during sex."
And in that moment,
I knew this kid doesn't know how to fuck.
And I said to myself,
I said, "Self, I would rather be fat and
good at sex than skinny and shit at sex".
And I told him
to get the fuck out of my yard.
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much!
Urzila Carlson!
Rhys Nicholson!
Please thank everyone you saw tonight.
As they come out on stage.
That was the big queer comedy concert.
Thank you and good night.
Good night!