Ricardo Quevedo: We All Hold Grudges (2019) Movie Script

A big round of applause for
Ricardo Quevedo!
Hi, everyone!
Thank you very much. You're so nice.
Thank you very much. You're so nice.
So natural, so kind.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm always glad, every time I
perform and the theater is packed.
I'm glad and I'm worried too.
'Cause there are too many people
and resources are running out...
There's no room for
us all in this world,
so I very much agree with Thanos,
from the Avengers.
One snap and fuck half of us off.
Let's start over.
Yeah, let's start over.
A lot of folk say:
"What if it happens to my family?"
Because it's random, you know.
If it happens to my family, well...
Black Panther died.
Spider-man died.
Priorities, right?
Yeah, I mean...
Let's say...
your family goes,
and another family's lost a member,
team up with them!
And move forward,
so there are fewer people
and we make the most
of our time here.
Many people say it's a
radical solution and all that.
But you don't think the same...
when overpopulation affects
you, you know?
For example, when you're stuck
in a traffic jam.
Traffic is not the problem
but the annoying
people in traffic jams.
Those people
who are a little bit dumb.
Those people who bring out
the murderer in you, you know.
Most of us are bitter,
and that's when you think: "Yes,
there are people who deserve to die,
so the rest of us can move on
and be happy."
Those people who honk the horn
when they're stuck in a traffic jam.
Those people who honk the horn
at a red light.
Why do those people exist?
No, no.
Think of the person
who is first in the line.
You're in your car,
respecting the rules.
You're first in the line of cars.
The traffic light is red.
You stay still, follow the rules.
Listening to your favourite music.
You left early
for the first time in your life.
You got paid that day.
You're happy.
And there's a motherfucker honking
the horn behind you
and you cannot move.
What do you think?
You probably think: "This man is
in a hurry and I can't move.
I always fuck up somehow.
God, I fuck up all the time.
I won't make eye contact
so he doesn't get angrier.
Please, God, put love and patience to
the heart of that person behind me,
so he doesn't get out of the car
and try to beat me up.
Oh, he got out of the car!
I'll move to the sidewalk!
You don't say any of that.
You get really pissed, right?
Because you don't respond well
to that negative pressure.
When someone pressures you,
you don't cooperate.
You don't make an effort to help.
That happens to you at work, right?
When they ask grudgingly,
you don't wanna do it.
Imagine being told at work,
out of nowhere...
"Go and fix that shit!"
Your boss.
Yes, sir. No problem.
This son of a bitch.
You feel offended.
You come back and say:
"I couldn't. I'm sorry.
I tried, but couldn't."
You don't wanna help that person,
right? They've got a bad attitude.
If they treat you badly,
you don't wanna do it.
But when they ask nicely,
you do wanna help.
But not when they are rude, so you're
full of rage in the traffic jam.
The guy keeps honking the horn
and you can't move.
You're boiling with rage in there.
"Yes, Thanos was right!
Yes! Yes!"
You're so angry that when the
light turns green, you don't move.
You just stay there.
You check the time
and say: "I'm early, fuck this guy."
We are all gonna be late, fuck it.
You're in a bad mood.
You don't respond well
with that negative pressure.
When someone pressures you,
you don't respond the same way.
I'll give you an example
to prove my point.
Ask your mom to take a picture
with her cell phone.
There's no way that's
gonna end well.
You're a good son,
you give your mom a smartphone,
so she can get up to date,
download her apps,
so she is connected to the world.
The first picture she sends
to the family WhatsApp group
is one of herself
with a massive double chin.
"I learned to take selfies."
She creates a group with your aunts
and they start sharing
that aunt content.
Those low resolution photos,
all pixelated, of
Tweety and Sylvester.
Those chains you get, saying,
"Forward this message from the Pope
to 15 people
and God will bless your week.
Thanks for your cooperation."
You only watch one video.
Those videos your mom sends, you watch
the first one and not the rest.
Yeah, you watch the first one
and you don't watch the rest
'cause they make you wanna die.
With sad music and
a voice-over saying:
"He left home one day
without a goodbye to his mother."
The video is like a threat.
That's why that day you're
stressed out, worried, anxious,
you call every 15 minutes.
"Mom, have you called the doctor?
Go for a check-up."
So you don't respond well
under negative pressure, right?
Ask your mom to take a picture.
You see she won't take it.
For example,
you go to a bakery
and run into James Rodrguez.
Something that would
never happen to you.
Never. Let's say James
got tired of living in Germany
and bought an apartment
opposite yours.
You go to the bakery on Sunday
and James is there,
wearing shorts, flip-flops,
with his daughter,
buying Arepas for breakfast.
You go in with your mom and say,
"It's James Rodrguez, mom! Now!
Grab my phone, take a picture!
James, sorry to bother you.
Just a quick picture.
Mom, quick, take the picture
before more people come,
before the police take him,
before James leaves.
Mom take the picture!
And she remains like this.
She puts her glasses on.
You try to smilingly give her
instructions. "Mom,
don't be nervous, mom.
Pay attention.
It's easy. I left the camera ready.
Just touch the screen.
Touch the screen, it's done,
James leaves, I'm happy ever after.
Mom, don't do this to me, please.
Just touch the screen, please.
"I can't see the button."
Listen, mom, pay attention.
One thing at a time. Look at me.
I am here. Yes, ma'am.
Your son, you gave birth to me.
Touch the screen.
Touch the screen. Take the picture.
That's it.
Everybody's happy.
James probably has things to
do, mom,
for God's sake.
Yes, Mr. James, that's my mom.
So beautiful. Yes,
you have to be patient with them.
Yeah, so beautiful.
Touch that fucking screen, mom!
James has to go.
Just touch it.
"Now I see myself."
Mom, I'm telling you
touch the center of the screen.
You switched to selfie mode.
Why do you do that to me?
Touch the screen.
- I took a selfie.
- Mom!
It makes you wanna throw a tantrum
like when you were a kid, right?
I have a theory that moms like
to photograph the floor.
There's something about a floor
that seduces them, intrigues them.
They wanna investigate it,
they take pictures of it.
They take you a picture and you know
it's not good from the start.
The flash is on
and she points the cell phone down.
And she takes a
picture of the floor.
I showed my friends the picture.
"Guys, this floor tile
was from the day I met James
Rodrguez. Just imagine..."
We all have a video on our phone.
A ten-second video of you and a
friend staying still like this.
No, I'm not gay.
Touch the screen.
The last two seconds
you approach the camera,
"Maybe it's reco..."
and the video finishes.
There's no room for all of us.
And people get crazy
when they drive.
You don't respond well
to negative pressure.
You like to follow the rules,
but it's so hard to use turn signals
'cause that means warning the enemy.
As soon as they see you indicate,
they pull up to the next car
so as to not give way.
There are people who enjoy it.
And they say so to their passengers.
"I won't give way to this moron.
Ha ha! Look at that asshole
in the car on the left.
He's been wanting to turn for six
blocks, no one lets him. What a shame!
He's furious.
He's cursing to himself.
Look at his face now. Fooled ya."
Why are we like that?
We have to give way to people.
We are very rude in traffic jams.
We curse everyone, we are mean.
You insult everyone
from the safety of your car.
But you keep the windows closed,
'cause you're not stupid.
You wanna insult everyone, but...
you never know who
you're dealing with.
So you're in your car cursing,
and a taxi crosses the street,
and makes you slam on your brakes,
and the taxi driver looks
at the rear-view mirror,
and sees you like this...
But if the taxi driver
gets out of the car
and knocks on your window...
You roll it down and say,
"We almost crashed, buddy.
I suck at driving. It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
Hey, this city is full of Ubers."
In this case,
you think twice, right?
But there's no room for all of us.
And I think that deep
inside we know that
and that's why we put
ourselves at risk every day.
Unconsciously we put our
lives at risk in order to die.
For example, when you're lying
in bed, looking at your phone.
You know where I'm going, don't you?
Why do we make such
stupid decisions?
I'm about to fall asleep.
I'm gonna check my phone
and put it near my face.
What could go wrong?
You drop it on your face.
That hit wakes you up.
It's so dangerous for people with
glasses. They could break them.
You wake up with a black eye,
what do you say in the office?
"I was just clumsy,
checking my phone?"
No, you have to make something up,
like, "Some morons tried to rob me."
Those little things that make
us feel stupid every day, right?
Those things that show us
that we haven't learned how to live
in this world.
When you brush your teeth
in the morning.
Something as simple as that.
You brush your teeth too hard,
and hit your gums
with the toothbrush.
The pain is bearable.
That doesn't hurt, it hurts thinking
that you're over 30 and you haven't
learned how to brush your teeth.
That's so sad.
That cupboard door in the kitchen
that you leave open,
and you forget it's open.
You start doing other things,
like doing the dishes, cooking...
Then you forget it's open...
Boom! Right in your forehead.
Your forehead turns red
and starts to throb.
That doesn't hurt.
It hurts knowing you were the one
who left that door open.
Knowing you're setting traps
for later in your safe place...
that deep inside you hate yourself
and wanna die.
Those kind of things. Those windows,
those large, clean windows.
You don't see them
and walk through them.
That happens to clumsy people.
It happened to me many times.
You walk through it and boom!
That doesn't hurt.
What hurts is the stupid instinctive
reaction you have afterwards.
You've just hit your head.
And your reaction is this...
You have to check there's actually
something your head hit,
yet it's hurting.
Those little things make
us feel stupid, don't they?
The paving flags on the city streets
which are loose.
When it rains,
they fill with mud underneath.
You're walking happily along,
you just had a bath.
You step on them and...
Boom! One leg is covered in mud.
You're so angry, you wanna step on it
again and cover your other leg in mud.
You wanna fall down.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm covered in fucking mud.
I'm too stupid to walk!
Those little things you let pile up
and make you blow up.
We put our lives at risk every day.
Doing sad, pathetic things.
Like when you choke
on your own saliva.
That's so sad.
Come on, how can you choke
on your own drool?
And you're there, all red, coughing,
about to drop dead.
When you recover, you think,
"Hey, I could have died."
Choke on your own saliva,
what a sad, pathetic way to die!
They say that more than four people
die every year, choking on saliva.
I always thought the
figure was higher,
the thing is that the family doesn't
want to admit the cause of death.
You say a few words at the wake,
"He was just standing there,
in the park, and...
he gulped and...
We thought he had learned,
he was 37 years old."
Those little things
that make you feel stupid.
Those little things.
People with braces, for example.
When a wire sticks out
and hurts your mouth.
It's awful! Frustrating!
Oral health is very important.
Dental health, I mean.
Right? It's very important.
Oh! You understood
something different.
Okay, it's alright.
Everyone has different priorities.
The thing is that...
I hate going to the dentist,
because it's like taking your car
to a mechanic.
You go to fix a specific problem
and he finds a thousand other things
you had no idea about.
You get depressed and think,
"I must sell that piece of shit."
And you're in that awkward position,
with your mouth open.
Some dentists talk to you.
If there's a dentist
watching, please,
don't do that.
You don't wanna be rude,
so you try to reply.
And it's so sad. You're there...
"Yes, sir.
Sociable chatter.
Fourth semester.
Sociable chatter."
"Yes, I was saying... Oh, sorry.
I once went
to have my wisdom tooth removed.
It's so painful, right?
The dentist was a beautiful woman.
She had the most amazing eyes,
and she was looking at all that
rotting in my mouth. I had no idea
my mouth was like that!
I brush my teeth every day.
And there I was, humiliated.
And she was talking to her assistant
about me... in front of me.
As if I were a piece of furniture.
So sad.
"Look, he has cavities.
Yes, I have to start tooth decay
treatment. Write it down."
I'm like, "Yes, ma'am.
Okay. What about my wisdom tooth?"
"We already checked that.
But look, his teeth are stained.
Too much coffee, or he smokes.
Write down teeth whitening,
gum contouring surgery."
"okay, yes, ma'am.
And my wisdom tooth?"
"We already checked that.
Look, he has a bad bite.
I think he needs braces.
Not for too long, but we must start
the treatment, write it down."
"okay, yes, ma'am.
The wisdom tooth?"
"We already checked it.
Half a million for the braces,
the other..."
Doing the numbers in my face.
And I'm squeezing my butt,
I wanna go home!
I have other priorities.
I have no money.
You get depressed and
tell your friends,
"Guys, I have cavities.
My teeth are stained
and I have to wear braces."
- "And your wisdom tooth?"
- "That was the best part of my mouth."
I just left it there.
You can't be that ungrateful. I can't
have the prettiest part removed.
I'm proud of it, even if it hurts."
But I mentioned braces, right?
When a wire sticks out,
and you hurt yourself,
you can take the pain, but let's
say you're kissing someone.
And you hurt that person,
you feel embarrassed.
Regardless of the braces,
the real problem is,
some people don't know how to kiss.
I wasn't gonna mention that today,
but I think it's important.
Learn how to kiss shit.
I mean, "learn how to kiss, comma."
The importance of the comma.
Don't take it so literally. Okay.
I mean,
we've all had that kind of kiss,
a kiss with no chemistry.
The kiss which was like
two pieces of jigsaw puzzle
that don't fit together.
And you were trying
to make them fit.
That kiss you had been waiting for.
You think, "Yeah, it may work out,"
and after the kiss,
"No fucking way!"
I think extremes are not good
when you're kissing.
One extreme is people who open
their mouth too wide.
Those people who wanna eat
you, but...
not in a cool way,
they wanna devour you.
They wanna process you,
get you inside their body.
Those people who overdo it, like...
After the kiss you say,
"No, I'm busy tomorrow.
No, I think I'm leaving the country.
I think I'm gonna change my number."
It's like when you teach a kid
how to color.
You say, "There are some lines.
Let's respect those lines,
and have fun inside them!
Let your imagination fly!"
Some people never
learned how to color.
They color outside the lines, they put
their tongue in your cheek. Awkward.
I think the other
extreme is even worse.
People who barely open their mouth.
Those who kiss like this...
Their lips are tense,
they don't open them
so nothing can get
inside their mouth.
And your tongue tries
to get in somehow.
Yes, here! Oh, no, that's a tooth.
So, as they don't open their mouth,
you look like the one doing...
I think the coolest kiss
is the one where you just fit,
you don't even have to ask.
But I was talking about those things
that make you feel stupid.
I remember that once
I kissed a girl,
a long time ago, who had a...
a loose wire on her braces
and she hooked me here.
It was like a hook in my mouth.
I was like, "Oh, God.
Oh, my God, what should I do?"
She hadn't even
noticed, she was like...
I said, "This is what fish feel.
No, no, no.
Just chicken and meat,
starting tomorrow.
No, no, I mean it.
That's just cruel."
She was happy,
she hadn't even noticed.
Those little things make
us feel stupid, right?
Like voicemail, for example.
With cell phones,
it is easy to feel stupid.
This is good advice.
If you're gonna leave a message
longer than two minutes, just call.
We're tired of the
never-ending voicemail.
You see eight minutes.
Nobody's got time for that!
I have other things to do. Yeah.
An eight-minute voicemail.
And you have no way out,
'cause they ask, "Do you agree?"
Fuck off.
Or when you're sending
a voice message,
and you're busy talking
shit about people,
and then you realize you weren't
pressing the right button.
You were pressing an imaginary spot
on your cell phone.
You can't be bothered
to start again.
"I'll tell you when I see you."
Which is what you should have done
in the first place, right?
So there's... in
WhatsApp, for example,
with couples, there are things
that make us feel stupid.
Some people argue with themselves
in WhatsApp.
Some people get mad,
break up, make up.
And the other person hasn't read
any of it.
Those who have a lot free time,
while the other person is busy.
Let's say she messages him one day
at 2 p.m.
Hi, boo.
All cheesy and in love,
"Hi, boo. How are you?"
Two minutes later, "Busy?"
Two minutes later, "Yeah,
you must be busy. Talk later."
Two minutes later, "Let me know
when you have a minute."
Two minutes later, "Now? LOL."
Two minutes later,
"Sorry, I won't bother you again."
Two minutes later, "When you're
finished, wanna tell you something."
Two minutes later, "You're
gonna crack up, let me know."
Two minutes later,
"Don't ignore me, it's not nice."
Two minutes later,
"Is it gonna be this way? Okay."
Two minutes later, "What bitch
are you with that you can't reply?"
Two minutes later,
"That flirty bitch from the office?
Think I don't know?"
Two minutes later, "If you're
cheating on me, you're a rat."
Two minutes later, "I read it all
and overreacted. I'm sorry."
Two minutes later, "I'm apologizing
and you don't give a fuck."
Two minutes later,
"Is this how it is? Great."
Two minutes later, "Too bad
things have to end this way."
Two minutes later, a song,
"Come back" by Don Omar.
After all that bullshit,
you say, "Honey, I was taking
a shit. I didn't think..."
She says, "But you were in there
for half an hour." Yes.
'Cause now we have cell phones.
Some women are very wary of
men, and say,
"He went to the bathroom
with his cell phone.
Who knows who he's talking to."
That's bullshit!
You go to the bathroom
with your phone
because you want to be informed.
It's the only place in this world
where no one will bug you,
where you can take the time you need
to read whatever you want.
You hold your poop in
until you've read everything.
"There was a Champions League game.
Let's see the scores."
You read happily.
"Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo was sent off.
Red card.
And what about the Real Madrid?"
The human body is wise,
it gives us signals
to help us know things.
What's the signal to let us know we've
been taking a shit for too long?
Your leg gets numb.
Yeah, you stand up and think,
How much time did I stay here?
That can't be true!
I have a real problem.
I should see a therapist."
Those little things make
us feel stupid, right?
Those misunderstandings
with your partner.
Nowadays, it is very hard
to maintain a good relationship,
because they tend to be shorter
than before.
So people who are in a relationship
right now
should know that
it's gonna end soon.
I'm not being bitchy
nor do I wanna jinx you, guys,
but it's gonna end.
Look at the person you love
for three seconds.
That person you love,
who you're in love with,
look them in the eye
for three seconds.
That person is gonna fuck up.
That person is gonna fuck up.
Everything's gonna end.
You'll remember me and say,
"That guy told us and I cracked up,
instead of working
on my relationship."
Relationships don't last like
they did, like our grandparents',
which lasted for years,
and they put up with anything
so they could be buried together.
Not anymore.
Everything is fucked way too easily.
Because of a mere like.
It may end because of a like.
I speak from what I see.
And what I see in relationships
is that usually the problem lies
in communication.
'Cause neither of them wants to be
the annoying one,
the pain in the ass, right?
So they hold in
the things they don't like.
They don't say what bothers them.
But it doesn't go away, it piles up
over the years,
and then you blow up and drag up
things that happened two years ago.
Those little things.
Some people expect too much
from their partner.
That's another problem.
They expect too much. Okay?
Women, for example, expect us to do
those little things
on our own initiative.
Like when they say,
"I think he will realize and do it."
Please don't have faith in us.
We're thinking about some bullshit
that is not important,
we are definitely not thinking
about what you're thinking.
She says,
"He's gonna see the dirty dishes
and wash them."
She's waiting for you to do it.
"Yeah, it also smells
when he passes by,
he's gonna realize
and then he'll wash them."
Nope. That's not gonna happen.
if they asked you to do it,
you'd say, "I'll do the dishes.
No problem."
But they don't ask you.
They're waiting.
So you don't do it,
and they get mad.
They don't tell you
they're mad at you either.
Because you, on your own initiative,
should know
that she's in a bad mood,
'cause you know her.
So while one of us thinks
the relationship is going well,
the other's about to break up.
It's very easy to fuck up.
With a present, for example.
Men are more relaxed
when it comes to presents.
Because, I mean...
they give you anything
and you're happy
because it's some shit
you didn't have. Period.
On your birthday,
"Honey, a purple belt. Beautiful!
Thank you so much. A purple belt.
This purple belt you
gave me is so pretty!
It goes with...
Well, this purple belt is beautiful,
and I promise you
I'll find a special occasion
to wear the purple belt you gave me
with such love.
I love you. Thank you so much!"
And you find a special occasion
to wear the purple belt.
"Honey, October 31, Halloween,
I'll wear the belt.
I love you.
It goes well with my costume.
I love you. Thank you.
I'm the life of the party."
Now, giving her a
present is quite harder.
'Cause she lies.
See? Some women here are angry.
But it's true.
She lies. She says,
"I'm super-relaxed.
It is so easy to make me happy."
That's bullshit, and she knows it.
"I like simple things."
Guys who are watching,
just try this out,
give her a handwritten poem
for her birthday.
I'll tell you what's gonna happen,
she'll see it and wait
for something else.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you, so beautiful.
Yeah, look, your feelings.
She doesn't say anything to you,
but she tells her friend,
"How can he be so stingy?
I paid 400,000 pesos
for that purple belt!
I saw Maluma wearing it.
A parchment? Is this what our
relationship is worth for this asshole?
No one thanks you.
It's so hard.
"I like simple things.
I like shoes."
But what they really mean
by "I like shoes"
is "I like shoes, but...
not high heels 'cause I get tired.
Why would I want shoes I can't wear? I
have like, four pairs of high heels.
I don't want flats either, I'm not
a grandma who can't wear heels.
I need shoes in vivid colors,
I'm a young woman.
But not too bright, I'm not a whore.
No dull colors either. I don't
wanna look sad and depressed.
I'm a happy person. I need
shoes that convey that message,
'I wanna take on the world.'
But I want to keep the distance
from people looking at my shoes..."
While she's thinking
about all that bullshit,
you're thinking,
"Sports shoes.
I'm gonna surprise her."
Your arguments for buying shoes
are very different.
You're in the shoe store and
say, "okay,
sports shoes
with a thick sole
so they last longer.
These are hiking boots.
Yes! So she can get
in and out of mud
without slipping. That's perfect!
And in pink,
'cause they're for a lady."
The salesman looks at you,
"He's gonna fuck up, big time."
"Don't you want to see other models,
other colors?"
"No, no. I know her."
There's a sad moment that both men
and women have experienced,
when you realize
they didn't like your present.
That never-ending minute
when they hold it,
and they don't try it on.
They don't even look at it.
"Thank you."
And you're there
squeezing your butt.
"She didn't like it.
Should've given her a poem."
And to get out of
that awkward moment,
you say something even worse.
"I have the receipt,
if you wanna change it."
It's... it's so hard.
It's so hard to agree.
'Cause men give other
kind of presents, okay?
You have other arguments
on what is a useful present.
You think, "What can I buy her
for her birthday?
A coat. A winter coat.
I hate when she puts my jacket on
when she's cold,
and I freeze like a jerk. A coat.
"Honey, look, a winter coat,
and it's my size."
They love wearing our
clothes, don't they?
I guess this happened to many men.
One night, she comes out of the
bathroom with a T-shirt you like,
and tells you,
"Honey, I wanna sleep in this one."
Would you mind?" You say you don't.
But you think,
"Oh, it's gonna be full of bobbles."
She's sleeping next
to you in your bed,
and you can't sleep.
"She moved, another bobble."
Yeah. It's the T-shirt you like.
A winter coat.
"Baby, a winter coat.
I love you."
She says, "Thank you."
"Don't you like it?"
"Yeah, yeah, it's very nice,
for a special occasion."
And the occasion is never special
enough to wear the fucking coat.
"Honey, it's your nephew's birthday.
You can wear the coat."
"It's too special a coat to wear
to a mere birthday party.
We always have birthday parties, Let's
save it for a special occasion."
"Okay, then."
"Honey, it's your uncle's wedding.
You can wear the coat."
"It's just that the
coat is too casual.
Don't you think? It's like..."
"You didn't like that fucking coat.
Give it to me, I'm gonna give it
to a starving kid
and he can eat it or change it
for something else."
She really pisses you off.
And she says, "No, it's not that.
I can't go to a wedding
in a Millonarios F.C. coat,
it's not appropriate."
"But it's from the last championship
we won. Wear it with pride."
It's easy to fuck up.
In WhatsApp chat,
men and women see different things
of the same conversation.
For example, she messages you
at 2 p.m. saying, "Hi, love."
You see the message half an hour later.
You reply as soon as you see it.
"Hi, love. How are you?" Just that.
You see she's online
and not replying.
You don't worry about it.
She replies later,
"What are you up to?"
"Fine, love, I'm home.
What about you?"
She replies, "Fine.
Fine, kind of bored.
No plans for today.
There's not much to do."
You say, "You're chilling at home.
You think it's nice.
You think, "She worked all week,
today is Saturday,
I hope she goes to bed early
and sleeps in on Sunday."
But she doesn't think so.
She says, "Wanna go to the movies?"
You reply, "Yes, honey! Sure!
Let's watch The Conjuring!
What a great movie!
It's scary. It'll be awesome!
What time does it start? Where?"
She says, "Oh, that one.
At 6 p.m., at the mall."
"okay. See you there."
For you,
the conversation ends there.
You start getting ready
to see the woman you love.
She's about to break up with you.
But she says nothing to you.
She tells her friends,
"What's up with this guy?
He's MIA all fucking day.
I had to put my pride aside
and text him, 'cause yesterday
I texted him too,
and there are two of us.
It should be one time each,
'cause we're both in love, I guess.
But the stupid girl who puts
her pride to aside
messaged him again.
He takes ages to reply,
and I have to reply quickly
or he gets mad.
But I, the secretary,
have to be available around
the clock for that jackass.
I started giving him clues,
to see if he picks up on it one day.
Like telling him I'm
bored, that I'm free,
that I have nothing to do, no plans,
and he tells me,
'You're chilling at home. Cool.'
What the hell is he thinking?
How do I have to say it?
I feel pretty,
I wanna go out with him!
I take the initiative for the
15th time and ask him out.
He chooses a shitty movie
that I don't like,
he doesn't even ask for my opinion.
I can't even go to the
kitchen at night for water
and now I have to
watch The Conjuring!
And on top of that, he says
he'll meet me there!
What happened to the gentleman
I once knew?
Who picked me up, who cared
how I was gonna get there.
Now I have to take a bus
where people touch you,
to meet this asshole
who doesn't give a fuck!"
Meanwhile, you're on your way
to the mall, happy.
You have no idea about
all that bullshit.
You're on your way
thinking how you love her.
Women, I will explain what happens
on a man's mind.
We have a lot of brain cells working
in there.
Like all human beings.
But there's one brain cell
which is in charge
of not letting you
fuck up your relationship.
That's its only function.
Not to fuck up your relationship.
But that brain cell is about to die.
That brain cell is
in intensive care,
its days are numbered.
So when the other cells come and ask
something important,
that brain cell replies some
bullshit to get out of trouble.
That's what happens to your mind.
The other cells ask,
"Do you think we
should pick her up?"
That brain cell replies,
"She'll get there."
That's what happens to your mind.
But it's easy to know
when they're angry.
'Cause when women are angry,
they reply with one word.
And normally, they are talkative.
I mean... yeah.
If she speaks little,
something's wrong.
"Are you getting
ready, love?" "Yes."
"See you soon then." "okay."
"Oh, my God, when did I fuck up?
What day is today?
Did I forget our anniversary?
Maybe I cheated on
her and I don't know.
Maybe she saw I liked some boobs
on Instagram.
Oh, my God!
I can't be that stupid!
I have to do what this guy told me,
like the boobs pic, and seven football
players pics, so it gets lost."
And you stress out
thinking when you fucked up.
It's easy, guys,
just follow the clues.
Follow the clues.
We use social media
to let it all out,
to say what we think.
Log in to Facebook.
Go to her profile.
She wrote something like,
"They fuck up and then you have to
explain to them what they did wrong."
What a nerve!
And the hashtag, #raisingkids."
And 15 likes from her friends and
family who already know what happened.
You see that and think,
"Maybe something happened at work."
You don't have a clue.
And you fuck up even more.
You open Instagram and you see
she posted a quote picture.
"When you expect too much
from the people you love,
and they let you down,
it makes you understand,
only count on yourself."
And you like it.
"What a good phrase.
What book is she reading?"
You don't have a clue.
You fuck up even more
and you don't realize.
Right? It's...
It's easy to realize,
but you don't pay attention.
You go to meet her and you're late.
Raise your hand if
you're always late.
Come on, be honest.
Be honest. Most of you, see?
I'll be the voice of the latecomers
and we're going to apologize
to punctual people.
We know it sucks to wait for others
when you are a punctual person.
If we said at 8, we meet at 8.
That's it.
You don't have to wait for others.
In favor of the latecomers,
I'll explain something.
It's not that we wanna be late,
we feel ashamed.
We feel sorry.
We don't wanna be late.
We don't wake up and say,
"I'll be late, I don't give a fuck
about other people's time.
They have to wait for me,
'cause I'm a diva. Beyonc and I."
We don't say that.
We don't say that.
We feel ashamed. The problem is
that we miscalculate time.
We plan everything to arrive early.
But those plans are designed
for punctual people.
They'd be useful
for punctual people,
but we lie to ourselves with our
plans 'cause we don't stick to them.
We have a meeting at 8 a.m.,
and the night before, we think,
"I'll wake up at 6 a.m.
okay, 6:30 a.m.,
that should be fine.
I think I'll have plenty of time.
I can lie down for ten minutes,
check my phone.
Five minutes to take a shower,
five minutes to get dressed.
Three minutes to eat something."
We're just not like that.
The following day, we lie down
for half an hour and we fuck up.
Sometimes, we are lying in bed
consciously fucking up.
We know we're fucking up
and we don't do a thing about it.
We just stay still.
"Fuck, I'm gonna be late."
But we don't get up.
We stay there.
"I'm gonna get fired."
And we just hide under the covers.
We look at our watch and say,
"It's 6:35 a.m.
I'll get up at 6:42 a.m."
Then we say, "There's no way
it's been seven minutes."
"okay, 6:45 a.m."
And we keep putting it off.
Sometimes we leave the house
at the meeting time.
I overslept once.
The meeting was at 8 a.m.
and I was still snoring.
The phone ringing woke me up.
I answered half asleep, "Hello?"
"We're waiting for you, man.
What happened?"
I said, "I'm almost there."
With that silence around me,
with that sleepy voice.
"I'm almost there."
"We're calling your
landline, asshole."
At least come up with a better lie.
"It's a long cord."
You don't know...
You don't know how to lie
when you just woke up.
You're late.
She's mad at you.
And she has every right to be mad.
She's furious. You're late.
After everything you've done.
You're late, and she says, "Look,
you missed the trailers,
the movie's started
and we can't buy anything to eat.
You say, "No, I brought popcorn.
And I put sausages too."
You think that's nice.
Popcorn that is now cold,
all greasy and gooey,
you may think that's nice.
When you made it,
you thought it was a good idea.
But she thinks you're too stingy
to buy food at the cinema,
and that her purse will smell like
shit because she has to carry it.
You can't go in with
a bag of popcorn,
feeling proud about it.
"I make them." No, no.
Honey, let's sneak
them in in your purse.
You're watching the movie,
happily eating cold popcorn.
And she's about to
break up with you.
But she says nothing.
It piles up until it explodes.
And when she says all that bullshit,
you say, "I had no idea our
relationship was that bad."
the relationship ends.
The problem is
that men and women
react very differently.
Let's say that women have
a more loyal social circle.
When she's sad or she's ended
a relationship,
her family looks out for her,
"We know you're sad,
we're here if you need us.
We are here for you.
You just have to call."
When her friends hear
about the break-up,
they go to wherever she is.
"Fuck that asshole.
He doesn't deserve you. He's
an idiot. We knew he'd fuck up.
We never liked him. We didn't
tell you 'cause you were in love.
But we don't like him.
And we always knew it.
Fuck him! You're gonna dress up,
you'll look great
and we'll go for a drink.
We don't need men to be happy.
Fuck them!"
When she's single again,
there's like five...
motherfuckers who've waited a while
for that opportunity,
like raptors hiding,
waiting for their chance,
checking social media for new prey.
She writes on
Facebook, "Love sucks."
They all come at the same time,
"Are you alright?"
"Do you need to talk?"
"Do you need a shoulder to cry on?"
"Let's drink tequila,
it's not that strong."
But not your friends,
they're bad people.
That's why they're your friends.
Your friends are pervs.
Your friends use you as an excuse
to do things they've been
wanting to do for a long time,
but didn't do
'cause they didn't get the chance.
So you tell them, "I'm sad,
I broke up with my girlfriend."
"To the brothel! You need to relax,
you need to... yeah."
But you don't wanna go.
"No, you need to get over her."
I'll admit I feel awkward
in those situations.
I'm shy in those situations.
When I've been to bachelor parties
and that stuff,
it's like I don't know what to do.
So I talk to some girl
and make her laugh,
and then, we're like, "What now?"
Paying and all that
makes me feel awkward.
When you're shy in those situations,
you have a friend
who is a bad influence.
That friend women silently hate.
Women know which friend that is,
don't you?
The one you've silently hated
for a long time.
You can't say you hate him out loud
'cause you'd be in trouble.
But it's that friend.
That bad influence.
You say, "Oh,
you're going out with... Ah.
Have fun."
But you're thinking, "That son
of a bitch leads him astray."
The friend who knows you're shy
in the brothel,
and he's there, "Put your boobs
in his face to see what he does."
You're there, "I don't think
this is the right way."
You're drunk,
your friends make you drink.
Then, that sad moment comes,
which all resentful guys go through,
the drunk dial.
That phone call we make when drunk
and regret the day after.
It was even worse
when cell phones didn't exist.
You called the landline.
Her father picked up
and it was a disaster.
Now you call her cell phone,
and she can divert the call,
or ignore it.
Yeah, whatever.
So you have to send a voice message.
Drunk voicemail.
"This is a message...
you don't pick up the phone...
you, doctor.
You're too important
to pick up the phone at 4:35 a.m.
You're doing doctor stuff.
Yesterday you called me boo.
Now I'm just some motherfucker.
No, young lady.
Things don't work that way.
I invested in some
sports shoes for you,
with a durable sole!
For mountain climbing, forest stuff.
You never put them on.
You showed contempt.
The Millonarios F.C coat...
rotting in your closet.
And I'm wearing this
fucking purple belt.
That's the way it is.
I... I chopped a sausage.
I invested my money...
so we could do something nice.
I chopped it fine.
She's all about fitness now.
I soaked up the grease
with paper towels.
I do something nice...
She says, 'How could you sneak
popcorn into the cinema?
How could you sneak popcorn?
They sell popcorn here.
Shame on you! So rude!'
Showing contempt.
If I'd put in fried plantain,
she would have freaked out.
'How could you sneak popcorn
into the cinema?
That's so rude. That's...
Stingy. They sell popcorn here.'
It's the same popcorn.
Or did the cinema popcorn go to Uni?
That's why it's more expensive.
The cinema popcorn
is more important.
It has a degree...
in sweet and salty cuisine.
That's why it's more expensive.
'How could you sneak
popcorn into the cinema?'
Don't eat it, then.
If you wanted me to pick you up
to go to the movies,
you just had to say it.
But no! The fucking mentalist...
the fortune-teller
will get inside your brain
and he will find all those...
questions, thoughts, and situations
that you expect in
your relationship.
No, you're not stupid."
Fuck, I'm not recording.
Let's start all over again.
Let's start all over again.
"Two, three.
Two, three.
No, young lady!
I recorded a voice message
and accidentally deleted it.
I'm gonna recap and continue.
I gave you sports shoes,
you never put them on.
The coat from Millonarios F.C.
is rotting.
The sausage-chopping situation.
Oh, I brought popcorn to the movies.
The popcorn from the
cinema has a degree.
Mentalist situations.
That's where we left off.
You're single, so you go out
with those witches,
who never liked me.
They let me into their social circle
with so much hypocrisy.
'Hello. How are you?'
They always hated me.
You're happy, drinking.
And you post stories.
You never post a fucking
video or picture.
There you have it,
500 stories drinking.
With your hashtags.
Just because it's Friday.
Taki Tara taki.
Guaro, Perico, Popper,
sex situations.
Partying hard.
You're there drinking tequila,
with five motherfuckers
I don't know.
Happily twerking to Scooby Doo Papa.
And I'm all depressed in a brothel.
Then she finds out,
and says, 'Oh,
you were in a whorehouse.
You were in a whorehouse.'
Showing contempt.
No, they have talent.
Everyone hones their
talent as they wish.
I was talking to Sharon,
and she told me
about her children's dreams.
Little Michael wants to sing
reggaeton. That's great!
Who are we to judge?
Everybody develops their art...
We have to respect that.
Some people say at a young age,
'I'm good with numbers'
They become engineers.
Some say, 'No, no,
I build things,
and I assemble them. Architect!
Some have their
talent in their pussy.
That's okay!
Who are we to judge?
Who are we to judge
the Lord's decisions?
He gives talents
to different body parts.
That's alright.
She's pretty, so she's there
with all her friends.
But I'm ugly.
I have to do what fishermen do.
Throw the net!
And whatever I get...
Sometimes I get boys,
and I say, 'Oh, no.
I'm vulnerable,
confused, maybe I fuck up.'
With all the respect
gay people deserve. Everyone
gets love wherever they want.
It's alright.
We can be friends.
You like it in the ass, I don't.
It's not an obstacle
to our friendship.
We can respect and love each other.
Even if I'm not gay.
Well, there was this time
in high school...
But it was a game, truth or dare,
and I dared... those motherfuckers.
They made me kiss a friend
who I didn't even find attractive.
He didn't know how to kiss.
He barely opened his mouth.
I wanted to French kiss him
and he didn't let me.
He has a wife now.
That belongs in the past."
The following day,
you see a voicemail
16 minutes long.
And you don't remember
what you said.
With two blue ticks,
so she's listened to it.
"Oh, what did I say?
Let's hear a bit.
'The popcorn has a degree...'
What the hell was I thinking?"
And relationships end.
Let's think about that moment
when relationships end.
That argument you have in public.
When you argue with your partner in
public, we've all gone through that.
that moment when you're pretending
to fight, so no one realizes.
But everybody realizes
because it's obvious,
and it is hard to hide your anger.
After you insult each other,
after everything you've said,
there's silence.
You stay there,
waiting to see what happens.
You're mad, but you can't leave
'cause it'd be worse.
If you leave, there's no way back.
You stay there.
And she's in her soap opera moment.
She wants to cry,
but she doesn't want
people to see her.
She tries to hold back her tears,
but fails, because she's sensitive
and she can't hide her sadness.
And that's not bad.
She just doesn't want to be seen.
So she says those lines...
Everything's clear now.
We all make mistakes.
I just hope that you..."
find someone that...
She's not crying yet,
but you fuck up and say,
"Come on, don't cry. Calm down."
Shut up, bro. Leave her alone.
And she says, "No, I won't cry.
Relax. I'm fine.
I'm not sad anymore.
I won't make a show.
A scandal."
She puts her hand on her nose.
I didn't know what that was for.
Since I was a kid,
I thought it stopped you crying.
When my parents told me off,
I went to my room like this.
Crying my heart out,
"This is not working."
You know when they cry like this?
You don't know if they laugh or cry,
you can't see their face.
Once my ex girlfriend was like...
And I was like...
"okay, no, no."
You don't know what to do,
and you're so mad,
that in that moment of rage
you use a very rude phrase
many women say when
they're mad at a man
all around Latin America.
"Go eat shit."
She's overreacting.
That's not the way.
You know she's mad,
but it's not that bad,
we have to be coherent.
Then she's happy again,
and you already ate shit. Not fair.
It's different when
a friend says it.
He says it in a friendly way,
in other tone,
laughing, "Go eat shit."
As if he was singing, dancing,
he says it with love.
You even consider it, "Shall I go?
I don't wanna be rude.
Everyone, come join me!"
But it's different when she says it.
She wants to offend,
so she crosses her arms,
and there's anger in her eyes.
Like this.
Grinding her teeth in anger.
"Go eat shit!
A lot of shit!"
That angry.
"Eat shit!
Eat a lot of shit!"
So it's not enough eating shit,
you have to eat a lot of it.
Some of them say "a mountain."
A mountain of shit.
Why that much?
Why not a pound, a spoonful?
That's disgusting enough.
"A mountain of shit!"
A girlfriend once said,
"Know what, Ricardo?
Go eat a mountain of pasties."
Okay. Thank you."
"Yes, but full of shit!"
So not only do you have to find
a mountain of shit,
but you also have to buy pastry
to make pasty and eat it.
You're full up on two, three shit
pasties. What do you do with the rest?
That's not a successful business.
"Shit and oatmeal pasties.
I have some spare
ones from last time."
I like to make you laugh
about this
for one simple reason,
the things I talk about in my shows
are those that happen
in everyday life
and we get angry or sad about them.
And when I talk about
them in my show,
people laugh.
That's what humor does.
It helps you relax, you sleep better
at night if you've laughed, right?
And I promise you
that at some point next week,
you'll remember some joke
I said here today,
and you will laugh again.
And you'll want to tell the joke
to someone else.
And you'll fuck up,
'cause you don't know how to.
And that person will
think I'm not funny
and fewer people will come
to my shows.
Thank you very much!
I'm happy you've come tonight!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Bye! Thank you very much! Take care!
See you soon!
Thank you so much for coming!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Thank you! Take care!
Subtitle translation by:
Metia Bethell