Ricky Gervais: Armageddon (2023) Movie Script
1
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Cheers. Thank you.
- Whoo!
No. Shh. That's-- You've--
Thank you.
No, you know the score.
Shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
Welcome to my new show.
So new, in fact, it's still evolving.
I've got bits tonight
I haven't done before, right?
If I ad-lib,
I haven't even thought it before.
And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.
But you can't help that, can you?
You can't choose your thoughts.
They just appear. It's too late.
You have a thought, and it goes,
"I'm a thought."
And you go, "Oh fuck, I thought that."
And then, sometimes,
the thought will go, "Now say it."
And I say it, and
Netflix.
My last show, SuperNature,
dropped on Netflix last year.
Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
Big-- Oh, big backlash.
People going, "You can't say that."
You can. You can.
I did. Um
Yeah, the inevitable backlash,
which made it the most-watched special
of the year, so
I've learned my lesson. Um
No, I have learned my lesson,
and that's why I'm going to be woke
from now on.
It's about time. Well, I'm sorry.
Well, I am woke.
And now I'm woke, the first thing
I've gotta do is change my Twitter bio.
'Cause at the moment, it's, like,
a list of the shows I've created.
But now I'm woke,
I've gotta pop in the word "anti-fascist"
so people know I'm not a fascist,
'cause that is a big problem
at the moment. Um
People come up to you and go, "Rick,
have you been imprisoning journalists?"
I go, "No." They go, "Oh, interesting."
They go, "Have you been gassing Jews?"
I go, "No."
They go, "Pop it in your bio then,
you silly cunt."
So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.
It's an odd thing to declare, isn't it,
that you're not a fascist?
We assume, don't we?
You wouldn't go up to someone
in the street and do that, would you?
"Oh, by the way,
I'm not a fascist." You know?
It's like they protest too much.
It's like going into a school and going,
"I'm not a pedo."
"So just forget I even mentioned it."
"These kids are safe running around me.
Don't worry."
"They can run around naked
for all I care."
"I'm not a pedo, so"
Of course, the word "fascist" has changed.
Traditionally, the word "fascist"
meant a member of a far-right
authoritarian regime
that uses militarism and violence
to suppress individual rights.
Now the word "fascist" can mean
"liked a Joe Rogan tweet."
So
words change, yeah?
And that's part of the reason
I'm gonna become woke.
Words change, and I don't wanna be
left behind, you know.
I don't wanna end up
like my granddad in the '70s. Oh.
He was all like, "coloreds" this
and "queers" that.
Although the word "queer"
is all right again now, so
If you wait long enough,
it just goes full circle.
Just
Just be patient is my ad--
So, yeah, you can
you can use the word "queer" now.
You still can't use it as a noun,
only as an adjective.
You can't go up to someone
and go, "You're a queer,"
but you can go,
"Hear about Darren? He's queer now."
If Darren is definitely bent.
You can't go around
just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.
Do you know what I mean? You can--
You can get sued in this country
for saying someone's gay if they're not,
you know, which is a homophobic law,
'cause you can't be sued
the other way around.
You can't be sued
for saying someone's not gay if they are,
which seems unfair, doesn't it?
Like, I could go up
to Britain's biggest gay and go,
"All right, Elton." All right?
And--
He'd love that. He'd fucking love that.
If that's your game,
you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak.
Right?
I'd go, "All right, Elton?"
He'd go, "Yeah." I'd go,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha-ha
You're not a gay
He'd go, "I bloody am." All right?
He'd go, "I'm gonna sue you."
I'd go, "You can't. You can't."
He'd go, "But know that I am gay."
I go, "I don't believe you are."
He'd go, "Come home with me and see
the shit I do if you don't believe me."
Of course, the word "queer" has changed.
Again, traditionally,
the word "queer" used to mean
uh, someone who was attracted
to the same sex as themselves.
A gay man, all right?
Now, the word "queer" can mean
a straight man who wants some attention.
"I'm all queer. I'm all queer now."
"Are you?"
"Yeah, I'm ri-- I'm--"
"I'm right queer now, I am."
"Are you?" "Yeah."
"What about your girlfriend?"
"Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just"
"We're just two queers
queering each other up."
"Suck a cock." "Nah."
"No, didn't think so."
"I'm not that sort of queer."
"What sort of a queer are you?"
"Dyed my hair blue."
"So did my grandmother
and she fucking loved cock."
"So, what-- What are we saying?"
I have no evidence for that.
We We never had that conversation.
So words change is my point.
Like the word "handicapped." All right?
Again, traditionally,
that was the politically correct term,
the all-inclusive term
for cripples and shit, right?
Uh--
But then, they went,
"No, we wanna be disabled."
They didn't wanna be disabled. They said--
They said-- They said--
They said,
"We wanna be referred to as 'disabled.'"
"We don't like the term
'handicapped' anymore."
"Stop using it. Say 'disabled.'"
We went, "Fine." And that's great.
Just tell me the rules and I'll--
In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.
Like, if I was on a beach
and a woman came running and went,
"Help! Help!
My handicapped toddler's drowning!"
I'd go, "Sorry your what, love? What?"
"My handicapped toddler's drowning,
and he can't swim."
"Whoa. Do you mean
your disabled toddler is drowning?"
"Yeah." I go,
"Right. Well, let's-- Oh, dead."
Dead.
Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?
Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it.
Here you go. I love illegal immigrants.
Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover
for the day, right?
And I I look out, right? I look out.
I look for a boat,
and I see a dinghy with about 60 of 'em.
And I go, "Over here." Like that, right?
And I pull 'em in. I pull 'em into shore.
And I go, "Women and children first."
They go, "There are no women and chil--"
"Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads."
Whoo!
If I go down there and there's no boat,
I am absolutely fucking gutted.
I don't--
I just sort of wander into town,
and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights,
and I wait for a big lorry
to pull up, right?
And I look underneath, and there's a lad
sort of clutching like that.
And I go, "Where you headed?"
He goes, "Gary Lineker's house."
I go, "It's just down there."
Yeah.
Fuck borders. Fuck--
We don't need borders, do we?
Be like the Vikings.
They didn't care about borders, did they?
I've got a little bit
of Viking blood in me.
Well, we all have,
'cause of all the raping they did.
They say it was raping and pillaging,
but I think it was mainly for the raping.
I think they added the pillaging bit
for the wives. Know what I mean?
They went down and went,
"We're off to Great Britain."
"Oh, why?"
"Just a bit of pillaging."
"Just pillaging?"
"Just pillaging, babe."
"All right.
Why are you wearing your rape hat?"
So this show is called Armageddon,
and it's all about
how I think humanity might end,
'cause there's a long list
of possibilities, you know?
We're on a precipice, you know.
Um, it could be, uh, anything
from global warming,
the rise of the the pandemic, you know.
Um, nuclear war,
our own stupidity, basically.
'Cause we are getting more stupid
as a species. No doubt about that.
You can now do a university degree course
in Taylor Swift.
How fucking low, academically, can you go?
There's an institute in London
called the School of Flower Arranging.
I went past it. I couldn't believe it.
"School of Flower Arra--"
I looked in,
and there's people having lectures.
Flower arranging!
My mum used to pick flowers
every day from the garden,
cut flowers, put 'em in vases
around the house.
At no point did anyone come around and go,
"What unqualified cunt did these?"
Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess,
and it's my fault. My generation's fault.
And the generation before, the Boomers,
with their deforestation
and their fossil fuels,
ruining the ozone layer,
raising the temperature by a few degrees.
So parasites, you know, bacteria,
and the zootrophic pandemics
are just gonna get worse and worse.
Like, if you're 20 years old now,
you're gonna have
a very different middle age to me.
I've had the best 60 years
of civilization.
But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,
you're gonna be in your house,
wearing a mask
crying.
Like you do now over jokes.
And I'm not gonna be around to see that,
but I am gonna spend my entire fortune,
from now on,
on private jets to make sure
it definitely fucking happens.
Whoo!
Yeah, Ricky!
We're gonna be the first generation that
future generations are jealous of, right?
'Cause we had it all,
and we're using it all up.
We're using up all the fresh water.
We're using up all the fossil fuel.
Usually, you look back in history
and you feel sorry.
You go, "Oh, how did they live like that?
Oh, how did they get around?"
"No indoor toilets."
I've got nine toilets in my house.
Um
And sometimes, I just run around
flushing 'em for a laugh. Like that.
Just so that in 40 years' time,
Greta Thunberg
has to shit out of a window.
I've got 28 radiators.
I always have them on full.
Then I put the air con on full,
and it sort of settles
at about 20 degrees.
A lovely It's how the cat likes it.
She loves it at 20 degrees.
And I-- I spoil my cat. Um
I love cats. I love having a cat.
Thing about--
Cats are great, but if you let 'em out,
they bring home
the most disgusting things.
Last week, mine brought home
a Scouser with herpes.
And it wasn't quite dead,
so I had to get it by its legs
and crack its head against the table.
Ugh.
And who cares?
If humanity was wiped out today,
the Earth would return to a paradise
in a few hundred years.
If we lose bees, we're a desert, forever.
We're not that important.
We're just one species
of narcissistic ape.
And some people on social media
get annoyed when I say we're apes.
You know, religious types, Americans.
Um
One bloke said to me,
"Speak for yourself, dude.
I ain't no ape."
And I sent back,
"Well, you are, 'cause we're all apes."
He went,
"Nah. What's a gorilla ever done?"
"We've walked on the moon."
I sent back, "What do you mean, 'we'?
You've done fuck all."
"You've spelled 'moon' wrong."
It's weird, isn't it,
when people take credit
for the sort of rest of the species.
'Cause that's what's pushed
civilization forward, you know,
a few geniuses along the way.
Like, there's eight billion people
on this planet. Most of us do nothing.
We eat, shit, and die.
Like, if there was a meteor
heading towards Earth
that'd definitely destroy it,
four billion people
would get down on their knees
and pray to their particular god,
and a few hundred scientists
would work out how to get Bruce Willis
up there to stop it.
It's an odd concept, praying, for me.
I can't work out how God decides.
All those people praying at once
for different things.
Is it like best idea wins,
or is it a democracy?
Like, he puts things--
Each issue, he goes,
"Right, votes for and against," you know.
If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
We're a tiny nation.
Like, next time there's a flood warning
in the West Country,
if we're all going,
"Oh, I hope everyone's okay,"
if the whole of China is going,
"Yeah, fuck Bristol"
There's a billion of them.
Know what I mean?
More about China later.
Yeah, I've always, uh,
found praying quite strange.
Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor,
and I know they've got a little kid,
and I go, "Oh, how's so-and-so?"
And they go, "Oh, not good.
Um, he's in intensive care."
"We don't know if he's gonna pull through,
but I pray every night."
What I do as an experiment
I go home,
and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.
Oh
I don't do that.
On a serious note, um, I've been doing
a lot of video messages recently
for terminally-ill children. And, um
Only if they request it, obviously.
I don't--
I don't burst into hospitals and go,
"Wake up, baldy."
"Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look."
No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic.
Presumably, 'cause they couldn't even see
their own family. And, uh--
It's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Do you know the charity?
They're great, and they give
these dying kids their one wish.
And if it's me, I always say yes,
and I always start the video the same way.
I go, "Why didn't you wish to get better?"
"What, you fucking retarded as well?"
I don't do that either, okay?
These are all jokes, okay?
In fact, I don't even use that word
in real life, the r-word.
"You just used it." "Yeah, in a joke."
"That's not real life, is it?
I'm playing a role."
"You sounded pretty convincing."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm good."
You wouldn't level the accusation
at other art forms.
You wouldn't go
up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go,
"I saw you in Silence of the Lambs."
"What, so, you a cannibal, are you?"
"No, I I was playing a role." "Oh."
"Mm, seemed pretty convincing."
Yeah.
He's good, and I'm good,
and that's why I do things well.
Imagine if I came out
and did things not very well,
so you knew I was joking.
That'd be fucking retarded.
Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins
if they mind swimming with dying kids?
Know what I mean?
'Cause that can't be fun for--
They're, like, flipping around,
then suddenly someone dumps a truckload
of pale teenagers flailing
The dolphin's like,
"What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's this? Oh, fucking hell."
Oh, let him do it."
"What the fuck?"
"They're all They're all dying."
"Of what? That one just stuck his fingers
in my fucking blowhole."
"He's not gonna be around for long."
"Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe."
It's very sad, um, but we all die.
We all know we're gonna die,
and we all do die,
so it doesn't really matter
if we die one at a time along the way,
or all at once,
in one big final Armageddon.
The result is,
we're all gonna be dead one day,
and we're all gonna be dead forever.
And I've been to a lot of funerals
in my time.
You live this long,
you know a lot of people, they die, right?
And I don't mind funerals,
'cause it's the end.
You know what I mean? I hate weddings.
Oh, fucking
It's all-- There's so much hope.
You know what I mean?
And they're needy and arrogant.
They go, "Oh, we're getting--"
"Do you wanna come
and watch us for 12 hours?"
"No. Fuck, no."
Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?
It's like a royal decree.
"You are cordially invited--"
It's not a fucking honor.
I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding.
Know what I mean?
And then you go,
"Oh, right, yeah. When is it?"
They go, "Two years' time."
They know you haven't got an excuse
for two years' time.
So you just have to hope
that one of 'em dies.
Know what I mean?
And so you go, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, yeah. Where is it?"
They go, "India." "Oh, fuck off!"
I'm not having injections for you,
you boring bastards.
And I've got a big family now,
a big extended family.
There's always one getting married.
They know I've got a bit of cash.
So I can't give 'em a tea set anymore.
I've gotta get 'em
their first fucking house.
Know what I mean?
I've got a big family.
I had older brothers and sisters.
They all had loads of kids,
and their kids have loads of kids,
and their kids have had loads of kids,
'cause we're chavs, basically.
There's a new baby every Christmas.
It's one of those families.
I go home, it's crowded.
I go, "Oh. Oh, whose is that?"
"Oh, yours. Well done."
I don't know him, I don't know her.
You know what I mean? It's like
But what I've done
over the last couple of years,
I've got 'em each and individually,
right, in private,
and I've told them that I'm leaving
my entire fortune to just them, right?
But to keep it secret.
So they all love me, right?
And I'm not doing a will,
so my funeral is gonna be
a fucking bloodbath.
I'm at that age now where people ask me
what I've got planned for my funeral.
Even journalists say,
"How-- What's your funeral--"
I go, "I haven't planned it."
"No?" "No, it's depressing."
"Also, I don't care. I'll be dead."
They go, "Don't care about
what people think of you?"
"No, I'll be dead."
They go, "What about your legacy?"
"Fuck my legacy."
You can't plan your legacy.
I think of all these people
who died thinking they'd be loved forever.
Eminent people going,
"There is a statue of me
in the town square."
And now, they're pulling down the statues.
"Pull down this fucking statue." "Why?"
"He was a slave trader.
Pull down the fucking statue."
"He built the hospital. Should we pull
that down?" "No, leave the hospital."
"Just pull down the fucking statue."
"Pull down the statue
and dump it in the canal."
"He built the canal." "Doesn't matter.
Just pull down the fucking statue."
I don't think
you should whitewash history.
If you find out summat new, add to it.
Like, if there's a statue, and it's got,
"Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist."
Add, "a bit racist."
Or one of those blue plaques
on a house that goes,
"Sir Robert Spewk lived here."
"Author, poet, pedo."
I think we live too long. That's why
we have time to worry about all this.
We're not meant to live this long.
Uh, as a species,
we're about 300,000 years old,
as Homo sapiens.
We've been around as hominids
for a few million years, and, of course,
along with every other life-form
that exists at the moment,
we've been evolving
for three and a half billion years.
Everything that exists at the moment
all came from the same little blob
of organic matter
three and a half billion years ago.
That's why it annoys me when people say,
"Oh, yeah, humans,
we're the most evolved."
We're not the most evolved.
We're no more evolved
than the slug or the snail.
People go, "Come on, look at 'em."
Yeah, they got it right early doors.
Nature keeps testing 'em.
"Do you want eyes?"
"No."
"Not really. No. No."
I have noticed one thing
about the slug and the snail.
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.
The snail is basically a slug
with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?
But if you pull the shell off the snail,
it starts giving it all
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."
And the slug is like,
"Welcome to the real world, cunt."
Know what I mean?
So, yeah, we've been around
for about 300,000 years.
And for most of that time,
we had the same life expectancy
as every other wild ape.
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.
You're born, you grow, you mate,
you're playing with your kids,
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"
Dead.
But now, with antibiotics and medicine,
we've pushed that forward.
A child born today
can expect to live to about 100.
And scientists said
soon that'll be about 120.
And science also said that,
in the near future,
there's no reason,
with proper care and attention,
that human beings
won't regularly live to 150 years old.
Which is amazing, until you remember
that we get a set number of brain cells,
which we only lose.
You can't get them back.
So, in the future, there's gonna be
15 billion people on the planet. You know?
Half of them are gonna be over 100,
and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.
It's gonna be like Dawn of the Dead.
It's gonna be fucking horrible.
You know?
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.
Um, I don't know
how you die of Alzheimer's.
She forgot to live. Right?
And for the last couple of years,
she was in a home,
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid,
used to visit her, like, once a week.
And it got more and more depressing,
'cause soon she didn't recognize him,
and then she didn't know who she was, or--
and then she died.
And at the funeral, we were sort of
reminiscing about the good days.
Some of the funny,
absent-minded things she said and did.
Then we realized, oh, probably,
that was the beginning of the disease
before it was diagnosed.
And this is a true story.
Once, my cousin went home from work,
and he went in, and she went,
"Your tea's in the oven.
I've had mine already."
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he--
It was like a fish pie, right?
He ate the fish pie,
then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."
He ran upstairs
Vomited. Went back down and went,
"Mum, the fish is off.
I've just been really sick."
And she said,
"Yeah, it made me really sick."
I've been looking into
infant mortality rates recently.
Um
For research. Not--
It's not a fucking fetish. Like
A child born today in the UK
has a percentage chance of survival
of 99.8%, which is incredible.
I thought, "Is that just
the mollycoddled West?"
I was putting in Third World countries.
And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.
In the wilds of Africa,
where everything wants
to fucking eat a newborn baby.
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?
In Africa, a baby
can be born in a mud hut.
There's a lion outside.
It's covered in blood.
They can't wash it. They've got no water.
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.
Now
by the time that joke goes on Netflix
it'll be nuanced.
There'll be an underlying
satirical point, I'll claim.
But, until then, all I've got is,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
I know that it's funny.
I just have to work out why.
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,
I'll have been playing
arenas around the world.
It'll be hitting hard.
People will be laughing.
So if you are an African woman,
and you you just had a baby in Africa,
and the doctor goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."
You go, "Oh my God."
You're there Baby's got--
You're there with your husband,
and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."
Jeff
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch
some comedy to cheer us up?"
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."
"Yeah."
And they're they're sad
that their baby's got AIDS,
but they're sort of laughing along.
"Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha."
And it gets to that bit,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
And she goes, "Oh my God.
Jeff, why why are they all laughing at us
and our baby with AIDS?"
And Jeff goes,
"Well, they're not laughing at us per se."
She goes, "Well, they are.
They've named us and everything."
"They're literally laughing at us
in this bit."
And Jeff goes,
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
with a fictional baby with AIDS."
"Anyone offended by that
is a fucking moron."
And then, he goes,
"And at least he didn't do the accent."
So
And she goes, "Yeah,
but only because Jane begged him not to."
It's funny 'cause it's true.
I think we get our sense of humor
from our parents,
whether we realize it or not.
Particularly working-class kids.
Particularly from working-class mums.
'Cause they're busy.
They're doing everything.
They're keeping men in check,
they're bringing up kids,
they're going to work,
they're saving the world.
They haven't got time.
They have to frighten their kids
into behaving well.
They have to go to dark places
to shock them into not fucking dying.
Do you know what I mean?
So Like, if I was little,
and my mum made my tea,
and it wasn't my favorite,
it was boiled potatoes,
instead of chips every day,
and I went, "I don't like them,"
my mum would go straight to,
"Of course you do."
"There's children your age
in Africa and they're starving to death."
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right."
You know what I mean?
Ju--
True story. I was seven years old, right,
and I'd been playing in the park.
And I came running in, and my mum went,
"Ricky, come here. Sit down."
There must've been
a local pedo incident, all right?
And my mum went, "Never go
in the toilets in the park again."
And I went, "Why?"
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia
to a seven-year-old, right?
But this is what she came up with.
She said,
"Because there's a man going around,
and he's cutting
little boys' willies off."
I was like
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it?
That's a"
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh--
And it worked. I never went
in those fucking toilets again.
But she knew, instinctively.
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."
"What's the matter?"
"Never go in the toilets again."
"Why not?" "There's a pedophile."
"What's a pedophile?"
"Oh, he's a man who gives you
sweets and puppies."
"Bring it on!" You know what I mean?
Me-- At seven years old?
I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.
It'd be like that, wouldn't it?
It'd be like that.
I'm gonna get a puppy.
Hi.
I'm getting a puppy. I'm getting a puppy.
Gonna get a puppy.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, I can't--
I cannot do it left-handed at all.
Fucking hell, come on.
Have you been drinking?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Come on!
Fucking hell. Oh.
I've started, so I'll finish.
Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh.
What sort of puppy is it?
A what? A Labrador?
Throw in a kitten,
and I'll give you a blow job.
I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum.
Oh
I miss the local pedo.
Don't you?
There was always one, wasn't there?
Outside school, you'd be with your mum,
and she'd go, "Look, there's a pedophile."
'Cause he had the uniform of the pedo.
You know what I mean?
You could spot-- Old bloke, bald on top,
long down the side. Like that.
And I'll go, "That's a dirty p--"
"Say hello."
"Hello." Like that. Dirty look.
That's what a fucking pedo looks--
Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
That's what he'd look--
If he touches you,
we'll burn his house down.
It was a good system. Know what I mean?
But then Michael Jackson comes along,
and he breaks the mold, doesn't he?
'Cause he's he's not an ugly bloke
outside the school.
I'm not saying Michael Jackson
definitely was a pedophile. No one knows.
Only Michael
and all those people he paid off.
All I'm saying is
Yes!
that
kids loved Michael.
They--
Kids loved Michael just to look at him.
Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
And then his voice, "Hello."
You know, that--
Oh. Michael Jackson would go up
to any kid he wanted.
Probably went up to them like that,
didn't he? Like that.
That's another thing. Kids would go,
"There's Michael Jackson.
He's going away from us."
He wasn't. He was going towards them.
But people don't care,
'cause he's so good.
Right? He's so good.
He's so popular as well.
I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
he'd have beaten the rap,
'cause everyone loves him,
and he'd be so vulnerable
in court as well, wouldn't he?
He'd be there like that,
and the judge would go,
"Michael, did you fiddle
with all those kids?"
And he'd go, "Hee, hee."
The judge would go, "Case di--
Get out of here, you scamp. Go on."
I promised you more about China,
and this is, uh,
an amazing statistic, okay?
This is true. Look it up, right?
In China,
there are ten million Chinese pedophiles.
Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China,
and there's not enough kids.
'Cause they've been restricting the birth.
There's all these poor pedos
and they're going,
"Where's all the fucking kids?"
You know?
"Fuck me."
"We're having to double up here,
and, like"
I just thought of a joke then.
I can't do it.
It is actually too offensive.
Okay. Okay. All right.
All right, I'll do it.
But But remember, remember,
you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?
And I just had this thought, right?
Chi-- Okay.
Chinese pedophile Chinese pedophile
goes over to a little Chinese kid,
and he goes, "Do you want a puppy?"
And the kid goes, "I'm not hungry."
You made me do that.
You committed the hate crime.
I'm woke. I forgot.
Let me get back on track. Right.
Right, I've got a woke joke.
Remember those jokes we used to have
when we were kids? "Doctor, Doctor" jokes?
Like, um, "Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."
"Well, pull yourself together, then."
Right?
I've I've done a woke version of that,
brought it up to today's standards.
Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes,
"Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."
And the doctor goes,
"Well, you are, then."
Good one that, innit?
I should do political stuff now I'm woke,
but I don't like it when a comedian
just spouts his own political views,
and it and it relies on the audience
agreeing with him
to get a round of applause.
I think that loses summat comedically.
I want everyone to like my jokes,
whatever your political persuasion.
A joke shouldn't have
a political wing, you know.
I'm I'm political in my private life,
like everyone, you know.
I'm sometimes incensed
by the inequalities in our society.
We're in the seventh richest economy
in the world, right,
and there's homelessness.
There's 250,000 homeless people
in Britain.
Now, I wish there were no homeless people,
'cause they're fucking horrible.
Fuck off.
You know? Oh
"Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint,
you cheeky cunt."
It is a serious problem, and I hope
none of you ever find yourself homeless,
but if you do, my advice is heroin.
Cheers you right up, apparently.
Um, I've got one of those mates.
My mate said this to me
in all seriousness.
He said, "Yeah." He said, "But the thing
about heroin, Rick," he said,
"Some of the greatest albums of all time
were created on heroin, weren't they?"
I went, "Yeah, but they were created by
some of the greatest artists of all time."
"You're a plasterer."
Right?
"If I were to give you heroin,
you wouldn't come up
with Dark Side of the Moon, would ya?"
"You'd fall asleep watching the telly
and burn the fucking house down."
I should do, uh, topical stuff,
but I never watch the news.
I did see one thing recently
on YouTube actually.
Do you know the little fellow
from Game of Thrones?
Um, the actor Peter Dinklage.
Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah.
He was at a junket, and it was for
a new thing he was doing, right?
And they were filming it.
That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.
And I don't know what brought it up,
but he suddenly started going off on one.
Oh God. He was going,
"It's fucking disgusting."
"They're still doing productions
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
"For Christ's sake!
It's fucking demeaning. It's 2023!"
He wasn't happy.
He was grumpy, wasn't he?
He's got a point though, hasn't he?
Obviously, he's got a point.
But the thing is, it's all right for him,
'cause he's a multi-millionaire
Hollywood actor.
And he's a great actor as well.
He does Shakespeare and everything.
A lot of dwarfs in entertainment
aren't that great, if we're--
No, some of them are fucking--
They're props, right?
No, let's be--
They're They're lucky to be fired
from a fucking cannon. Right?
And so, dancing around Snow White
for three weeks of the year,
that is their Holy Grail,
and he's gonna fuck it for them.
If he takes that, what can they do?
And he's not saying,
"You should do Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs with normal-sized actors."
You can't do that either.
You'd get in trouble in Hollywood.
Or you can't take a dwarf's job
or a disabled person's job.
Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble
when he played Stephen Hawking
in the biopic.
The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
Won an Oscar for it.
And that's when the backlash started.
People going, "No, it should be played
by a real disabled creature."
- All this All right?
- And, uh
And
They're going,
"The actor should have the same disability
as the person they're portraying."
But it was the life story
of Stephen Hawking, right?
So for the first part of the film,
the cunt could walk, right?
So I put it to you, what is easier?
Getting an actor who can walk
pretend he can't
for the last bit of the film,
or get an actor who can't walk,
pretend he can for the first bit?
How would that even fucking work?!
Puppetry? Think!
You can't always find an actor
with the same disability
as the person they're portraying.
They're fucking actors!
What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
the deaf, dumb, and blind girl?
What's the chance of finding a deaf, dumb,
and blind actress who can play that role?
And if you did,
you'd go running to the director.
"We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl."
"What did she say?" "N-- I"
"She didn't even answer
the fucking phone."
Oh, don't get me started. Oh.
Oh.
Cultural appropriation.
Have you heard of that?
Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no.
Now, again, in my day,
it was considered a good thing
to swap ideas
with other cultures, with other nations,
to share things
with other races, to assimilate.
It was the opposite of racist.
Now it's racist.
Gwen Stefani got in trouble
in her last video
'cause she had
her blonde hair in dreadlocks.
People were going,
"No. Black people invented dreadlocks."
"You can't have 'em.
You're white. That's racist."
Jamie Oliver got in trouble
when he put out
an authentic jerk chicken recipe.
"No. Black people invented that."
"You can't have it.
You're white. That's racist."
Now, Black people,
they use the n-word, don't they?
We invented that!
That's the one, innit? That's the one.
Listen, I know white people are the worst.
I know that.
That's why no no one likes
a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore,
until we need a boiler fixing.
Then it's,
"Get the bald bloke around. Now."
Critical race theory,
have you heard of that?
Being taught in schools now,
particularly in trendy areas like L.A.,
to, like, five-year-old kids
and six-year-old kids.
If you haven't heard of it, in a nutshell,
critical race theory says that
all white people are racist.
We're born racist,
and we continue to be racist,
'cause we're affording the privilege
of a racist society
set up by our forefathers. Okay?
So basically, all white people are racist,
and there's nothing we can do about it,
which is a relief.
Um
I think the world's gonna get
harder and harder to understand
as I get older and more bewildered.
A new dogma arises
in the name of "progress."
Now, dogma is never progressive,
however new and trendy.
But I think soon I'll be outnumbered.
Like, it was only this year
that I ordered my first item off Amazon.
All the way through the pandemic,
Jane's like, "We need this."
Bang, it's here. I was going, "Oh no."
She goes, "It's easy."
I'd go, "Mm." I never liked
real shopping either. Hated real shopping.
Particularly, clothes shopping.
I hated clothes shopping
when I was young and thin.
I really hate it
now I'm fat and old. Right?
Once, a shop assistant
thought I had my inside leg
and my waist measurement
the wrong way round.
I could see her thinking,
"Do you have an orangutan?"
"No, it's for me, you cheeky"
I never liked real shopping,
but I don't trust the Internet either.
Jane was going,
"Just put in your credit card."
"I don't want them
to have my card details."
"Everyone's got your card details.
Put the number in."
I went, "What one?"
She went, "The long one."
She went, "Oh, fuck me, give it here.
There. You're on. Order summat."
I thought, "Oh, I don't want anything.
Oh, tracksuit bottoms."
You can't have too many. I wear mine
till the bollocks fall out, all right?
So I put in, "Men's tracksuit bottoms.
Black. Zip pockets."
About 38 "Oh, fuck me."
"They look all right." Size chart.
I go, "Well, they'd be a bit long,
but they'd be a bit tight." I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"
So I ordered them.
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,
but he should be fucking punished,
because the-- Ah.
Oh.
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain
to get him fired, right?
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day
in these fucking places, right?
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?
And I can tell some of you are thinking,
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."
Was that too much? Sorry.
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.
So, uh
I don't know how humanity will end.
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are
And our antibiotics fail.
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male
gets to pass on his genetic material.
There's other paradigms, right?
Uh, nature is brutal.
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.
And even then, she has a litter.
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.
We go to the other way.
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable
to give 'em a chance. Like
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?
You've got Jack, who's eight.
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"
And he goes,
"Motorized wheelchair."
Aha
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.
It's too late now, innit?
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"
"Motorized wheelchair."
"Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so"
"Fucking hell."
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."
"Oh, good lad."
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you"
"Also, a ramp."
"Fuck me."
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair
for this money-grabbing little fucking"
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
"No arms."
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?
But let me let me tell you summat
about Timmy
to make you feel better about yourselves.
He's a fucking racist.
Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.
"You fucking You little fucking bigot."
"You fucking
You disgusting, little fucking racist."
"You racist scum."
"You filthy little fucking You fascist."
"You fuck You disgust me."
Homophobic.
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking"
"You prejudiced little piece of
You ball of hate."
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."
"I wish we'd had a scan."
"You absolute You"
Misogynist.
If he could, he'd rape.
There's
There's your little Timmy.
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,
and by himself.
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got Has he got poison?"
"No, no poison." "Oh."
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."
"It'll work stuff out."
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."
"But
for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog."
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."
"His His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are."
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."
"He's absolutely fucked. He's--
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."
Artificial intelligence,
the latest existential threat to humanity.
The rise of the robots.
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.
They can build each other, you know?
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.
Why wouldn't they?
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?
You know when they're getting
really human?
When they start calling in sick.
Mondays. Know what I mean?
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.
"ADHD."
"Self-diagnosed."
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt."
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.
Not your parents, not your grandparents.
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.
They could take a fucking joke, right?
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.
This is a true story.
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.
You're welcome. You're welcome.
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk
and move to a new one and start again?
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?
It's got no atmosphere,
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.
How's this for irony?
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean
I don't know.
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring--
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like--
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in--"
We're already in space.
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.
It's like-- There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't.
But I'm optimistic.
I am. I think
I think, uh
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,
and 4% wild now.
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.
People love their dogs so much,
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.
And I get that.
There's a-- There's a website.
It's a real website.
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?
And it was set up
because people would watch a film
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,
and they'd turn it off.
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.
Anything you don't want to see in a film,
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.
Uh, Schindler's List.
Absolutely real. Schindler's List.
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."
"Does a cat die?" "No."
"Are any animals abused?"
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,
but otherwise unharmed."
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.
But if I was Jewish,
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.
Imagine that in real life.
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."
You go, "Oh, what happened?"
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh"
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"
But as I say, it's become
You can ask any question about anything.
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"
Yeah. Well, yeah.
Yes. Um
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. Schindler's List. Right?
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"
Would that make this worse? Wh--
Imagine the real thing.
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?
And I go, "Rude."
"Nope."
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"
Yeah, there is.
Suck it up, buttercup.
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"
Very few jokes.
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.
But this one takes the biscuit for me.
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.
Check this out.
"Is someone misgendered?"
Fucking hell.
Oh shit!
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"
Yeah.
This is pretty much the mother lode.
Right?
Forget Kanye.
This
This is off the fucking charts.
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.
Fuck's sake!
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.
This is off the charts.
That's
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."
Like that.
Hiya.
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered
If you've If you've seen the film,
if you remember,
when the story sort of ends,
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,
and they each leave a stone on the grave
to represent their family members
that were murdered.
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over
to build a little rockery.
So
I asked one question myself on this.
"Is James Corden in it?"
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.
Uh, Titanic. Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"
Someone answers,
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."
"Oh no, not water."
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."
I'll leave you with a true story.
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"
When I was seven years old,
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called Old Yeller.
Beautiful film.
Yeah, made in the late '50s.
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.
And it's about a a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.
Eventually, when the dog's big,
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,
it takes a dark turn.
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and
getting aggressive.
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."
And he shoots his own dog.
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?
Anyway, fast-forward.
A few years ago, I was on tour.
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching Old Yeller."
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.
I
Oh, I thought she knew.
So I sent back, "No, of course not."
One hour later, I get a text,
"You cunt!"
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Cheers.
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."
Um, and that's
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,
and turkeys, and ostriches.
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt.
So speaking up really does work. Right?
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.
'Cause I know, in the real world,
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.
People tell you off
for saying certain things,
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?
They say you're bad for laughing at that.
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.
It's involuntary.
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.
Right? And
Uh
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I--"
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.
You're a safe pair of hands.
You're testing yourself,
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.
You're a good person, right?
I don't get that one. Um
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"
Why would I
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."
But here's the irony.
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,
that you're aware of your own privilege,
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic Yes, I'm definitely woke.
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,
then, no, I'm not woke.
Fuck that.
But here's the deal.
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Cheers. Thank you.
- Whoo!
No. Shh. That's-- You've--
Thank you.
No, you know the score.
Shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
Welcome to my new show.
So new, in fact, it's still evolving.
I've got bits tonight
I haven't done before, right?
If I ad-lib,
I haven't even thought it before.
And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.
But you can't help that, can you?
You can't choose your thoughts.
They just appear. It's too late.
You have a thought, and it goes,
"I'm a thought."
And you go, "Oh fuck, I thought that."
And then, sometimes,
the thought will go, "Now say it."
And I say it, and
Netflix.
My last show, SuperNature,
dropped on Netflix last year.
Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
Big-- Oh, big backlash.
People going, "You can't say that."
You can. You can.
I did. Um
Yeah, the inevitable backlash,
which made it the most-watched special
of the year, so
I've learned my lesson. Um
No, I have learned my lesson,
and that's why I'm going to be woke
from now on.
It's about time. Well, I'm sorry.
Well, I am woke.
And now I'm woke, the first thing
I've gotta do is change my Twitter bio.
'Cause at the moment, it's, like,
a list of the shows I've created.
But now I'm woke,
I've gotta pop in the word "anti-fascist"
so people know I'm not a fascist,
'cause that is a big problem
at the moment. Um
People come up to you and go, "Rick,
have you been imprisoning journalists?"
I go, "No." They go, "Oh, interesting."
They go, "Have you been gassing Jews?"
I go, "No."
They go, "Pop it in your bio then,
you silly cunt."
So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.
It's an odd thing to declare, isn't it,
that you're not a fascist?
We assume, don't we?
You wouldn't go up to someone
in the street and do that, would you?
"Oh, by the way,
I'm not a fascist." You know?
It's like they protest too much.
It's like going into a school and going,
"I'm not a pedo."
"So just forget I even mentioned it."
"These kids are safe running around me.
Don't worry."
"They can run around naked
for all I care."
"I'm not a pedo, so"
Of course, the word "fascist" has changed.
Traditionally, the word "fascist"
meant a member of a far-right
authoritarian regime
that uses militarism and violence
to suppress individual rights.
Now the word "fascist" can mean
"liked a Joe Rogan tweet."
So
words change, yeah?
And that's part of the reason
I'm gonna become woke.
Words change, and I don't wanna be
left behind, you know.
I don't wanna end up
like my granddad in the '70s. Oh.
He was all like, "coloreds" this
and "queers" that.
Although the word "queer"
is all right again now, so
If you wait long enough,
it just goes full circle.
Just
Just be patient is my ad--
So, yeah, you can
you can use the word "queer" now.
You still can't use it as a noun,
only as an adjective.
You can't go up to someone
and go, "You're a queer,"
but you can go,
"Hear about Darren? He's queer now."
If Darren is definitely bent.
You can't go around
just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.
Do you know what I mean? You can--
You can get sued in this country
for saying someone's gay if they're not,
you know, which is a homophobic law,
'cause you can't be sued
the other way around.
You can't be sued
for saying someone's not gay if they are,
which seems unfair, doesn't it?
Like, I could go up
to Britain's biggest gay and go,
"All right, Elton." All right?
And--
He'd love that. He'd fucking love that.
If that's your game,
you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak.
Right?
I'd go, "All right, Elton?"
He'd go, "Yeah." I'd go,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha-ha
You're not a gay
He'd go, "I bloody am." All right?
He'd go, "I'm gonna sue you."
I'd go, "You can't. You can't."
He'd go, "But know that I am gay."
I go, "I don't believe you are."
He'd go, "Come home with me and see
the shit I do if you don't believe me."
Of course, the word "queer" has changed.
Again, traditionally,
the word "queer" used to mean
uh, someone who was attracted
to the same sex as themselves.
A gay man, all right?
Now, the word "queer" can mean
a straight man who wants some attention.
"I'm all queer. I'm all queer now."
"Are you?"
"Yeah, I'm ri-- I'm--"
"I'm right queer now, I am."
"Are you?" "Yeah."
"What about your girlfriend?"
"Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just"
"We're just two queers
queering each other up."
"Suck a cock." "Nah."
"No, didn't think so."
"I'm not that sort of queer."
"What sort of a queer are you?"
"Dyed my hair blue."
"So did my grandmother
and she fucking loved cock."
"So, what-- What are we saying?"
I have no evidence for that.
We We never had that conversation.
So words change is my point.
Like the word "handicapped." All right?
Again, traditionally,
that was the politically correct term,
the all-inclusive term
for cripples and shit, right?
Uh--
But then, they went,
"No, we wanna be disabled."
They didn't wanna be disabled. They said--
They said-- They said--
They said,
"We wanna be referred to as 'disabled.'"
"We don't like the term
'handicapped' anymore."
"Stop using it. Say 'disabled.'"
We went, "Fine." And that's great.
Just tell me the rules and I'll--
In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.
Like, if I was on a beach
and a woman came running and went,
"Help! Help!
My handicapped toddler's drowning!"
I'd go, "Sorry your what, love? What?"
"My handicapped toddler's drowning,
and he can't swim."
"Whoa. Do you mean
your disabled toddler is drowning?"
"Yeah." I go,
"Right. Well, let's-- Oh, dead."
Dead.
Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?
Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it.
Here you go. I love illegal immigrants.
Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover
for the day, right?
And I I look out, right? I look out.
I look for a boat,
and I see a dinghy with about 60 of 'em.
And I go, "Over here." Like that, right?
And I pull 'em in. I pull 'em into shore.
And I go, "Women and children first."
They go, "There are no women and chil--"
"Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads."
Whoo!
If I go down there and there's no boat,
I am absolutely fucking gutted.
I don't--
I just sort of wander into town,
and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights,
and I wait for a big lorry
to pull up, right?
And I look underneath, and there's a lad
sort of clutching like that.
And I go, "Where you headed?"
He goes, "Gary Lineker's house."
I go, "It's just down there."
Yeah.
Fuck borders. Fuck--
We don't need borders, do we?
Be like the Vikings.
They didn't care about borders, did they?
I've got a little bit
of Viking blood in me.
Well, we all have,
'cause of all the raping they did.
They say it was raping and pillaging,
but I think it was mainly for the raping.
I think they added the pillaging bit
for the wives. Know what I mean?
They went down and went,
"We're off to Great Britain."
"Oh, why?"
"Just a bit of pillaging."
"Just pillaging?"
"Just pillaging, babe."
"All right.
Why are you wearing your rape hat?"
So this show is called Armageddon,
and it's all about
how I think humanity might end,
'cause there's a long list
of possibilities, you know?
We're on a precipice, you know.
Um, it could be, uh, anything
from global warming,
the rise of the the pandemic, you know.
Um, nuclear war,
our own stupidity, basically.
'Cause we are getting more stupid
as a species. No doubt about that.
You can now do a university degree course
in Taylor Swift.
How fucking low, academically, can you go?
There's an institute in London
called the School of Flower Arranging.
I went past it. I couldn't believe it.
"School of Flower Arra--"
I looked in,
and there's people having lectures.
Flower arranging!
My mum used to pick flowers
every day from the garden,
cut flowers, put 'em in vases
around the house.
At no point did anyone come around and go,
"What unqualified cunt did these?"
Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess,
and it's my fault. My generation's fault.
And the generation before, the Boomers,
with their deforestation
and their fossil fuels,
ruining the ozone layer,
raising the temperature by a few degrees.
So parasites, you know, bacteria,
and the zootrophic pandemics
are just gonna get worse and worse.
Like, if you're 20 years old now,
you're gonna have
a very different middle age to me.
I've had the best 60 years
of civilization.
But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,
you're gonna be in your house,
wearing a mask
crying.
Like you do now over jokes.
And I'm not gonna be around to see that,
but I am gonna spend my entire fortune,
from now on,
on private jets to make sure
it definitely fucking happens.
Whoo!
Yeah, Ricky!
We're gonna be the first generation that
future generations are jealous of, right?
'Cause we had it all,
and we're using it all up.
We're using up all the fresh water.
We're using up all the fossil fuel.
Usually, you look back in history
and you feel sorry.
You go, "Oh, how did they live like that?
Oh, how did they get around?"
"No indoor toilets."
I've got nine toilets in my house.
Um
And sometimes, I just run around
flushing 'em for a laugh. Like that.
Just so that in 40 years' time,
Greta Thunberg
has to shit out of a window.
I've got 28 radiators.
I always have them on full.
Then I put the air con on full,
and it sort of settles
at about 20 degrees.
A lovely It's how the cat likes it.
She loves it at 20 degrees.
And I-- I spoil my cat. Um
I love cats. I love having a cat.
Thing about--
Cats are great, but if you let 'em out,
they bring home
the most disgusting things.
Last week, mine brought home
a Scouser with herpes.
And it wasn't quite dead,
so I had to get it by its legs
and crack its head against the table.
Ugh.
And who cares?
If humanity was wiped out today,
the Earth would return to a paradise
in a few hundred years.
If we lose bees, we're a desert, forever.
We're not that important.
We're just one species
of narcissistic ape.
And some people on social media
get annoyed when I say we're apes.
You know, religious types, Americans.
Um
One bloke said to me,
"Speak for yourself, dude.
I ain't no ape."
And I sent back,
"Well, you are, 'cause we're all apes."
He went,
"Nah. What's a gorilla ever done?"
"We've walked on the moon."
I sent back, "What do you mean, 'we'?
You've done fuck all."
"You've spelled 'moon' wrong."
It's weird, isn't it,
when people take credit
for the sort of rest of the species.
'Cause that's what's pushed
civilization forward, you know,
a few geniuses along the way.
Like, there's eight billion people
on this planet. Most of us do nothing.
We eat, shit, and die.
Like, if there was a meteor
heading towards Earth
that'd definitely destroy it,
four billion people
would get down on their knees
and pray to their particular god,
and a few hundred scientists
would work out how to get Bruce Willis
up there to stop it.
It's an odd concept, praying, for me.
I can't work out how God decides.
All those people praying at once
for different things.
Is it like best idea wins,
or is it a democracy?
Like, he puts things--
Each issue, he goes,
"Right, votes for and against," you know.
If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
We're a tiny nation.
Like, next time there's a flood warning
in the West Country,
if we're all going,
"Oh, I hope everyone's okay,"
if the whole of China is going,
"Yeah, fuck Bristol"
There's a billion of them.
Know what I mean?
More about China later.
Yeah, I've always, uh,
found praying quite strange.
Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor,
and I know they've got a little kid,
and I go, "Oh, how's so-and-so?"
And they go, "Oh, not good.
Um, he's in intensive care."
"We don't know if he's gonna pull through,
but I pray every night."
What I do as an experiment
I go home,
and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.
Oh
I don't do that.
On a serious note, um, I've been doing
a lot of video messages recently
for terminally-ill children. And, um
Only if they request it, obviously.
I don't--
I don't burst into hospitals and go,
"Wake up, baldy."
"Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look."
No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic.
Presumably, 'cause they couldn't even see
their own family. And, uh--
It's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Do you know the charity?
They're great, and they give
these dying kids their one wish.
And if it's me, I always say yes,
and I always start the video the same way.
I go, "Why didn't you wish to get better?"
"What, you fucking retarded as well?"
I don't do that either, okay?
These are all jokes, okay?
In fact, I don't even use that word
in real life, the r-word.
"You just used it." "Yeah, in a joke."
"That's not real life, is it?
I'm playing a role."
"You sounded pretty convincing."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm good."
You wouldn't level the accusation
at other art forms.
You wouldn't go
up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go,
"I saw you in Silence of the Lambs."
"What, so, you a cannibal, are you?"
"No, I I was playing a role." "Oh."
"Mm, seemed pretty convincing."
Yeah.
He's good, and I'm good,
and that's why I do things well.
Imagine if I came out
and did things not very well,
so you knew I was joking.
That'd be fucking retarded.
Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins
if they mind swimming with dying kids?
Know what I mean?
'Cause that can't be fun for--
They're, like, flipping around,
then suddenly someone dumps a truckload
of pale teenagers flailing
The dolphin's like,
"What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's this? Oh, fucking hell."
Oh, let him do it."
"What the fuck?"
"They're all They're all dying."
"Of what? That one just stuck his fingers
in my fucking blowhole."
"He's not gonna be around for long."
"Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe."
It's very sad, um, but we all die.
We all know we're gonna die,
and we all do die,
so it doesn't really matter
if we die one at a time along the way,
or all at once,
in one big final Armageddon.
The result is,
we're all gonna be dead one day,
and we're all gonna be dead forever.
And I've been to a lot of funerals
in my time.
You live this long,
you know a lot of people, they die, right?
And I don't mind funerals,
'cause it's the end.
You know what I mean? I hate weddings.
Oh, fucking
It's all-- There's so much hope.
You know what I mean?
And they're needy and arrogant.
They go, "Oh, we're getting--"
"Do you wanna come
and watch us for 12 hours?"
"No. Fuck, no."
Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?
It's like a royal decree.
"You are cordially invited--"
It's not a fucking honor.
I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding.
Know what I mean?
And then you go,
"Oh, right, yeah. When is it?"
They go, "Two years' time."
They know you haven't got an excuse
for two years' time.
So you just have to hope
that one of 'em dies.
Know what I mean?
And so you go, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, yeah. Where is it?"
They go, "India." "Oh, fuck off!"
I'm not having injections for you,
you boring bastards.
And I've got a big family now,
a big extended family.
There's always one getting married.
They know I've got a bit of cash.
So I can't give 'em a tea set anymore.
I've gotta get 'em
their first fucking house.
Know what I mean?
I've got a big family.
I had older brothers and sisters.
They all had loads of kids,
and their kids have loads of kids,
and their kids have had loads of kids,
'cause we're chavs, basically.
There's a new baby every Christmas.
It's one of those families.
I go home, it's crowded.
I go, "Oh. Oh, whose is that?"
"Oh, yours. Well done."
I don't know him, I don't know her.
You know what I mean? It's like
But what I've done
over the last couple of years,
I've got 'em each and individually,
right, in private,
and I've told them that I'm leaving
my entire fortune to just them, right?
But to keep it secret.
So they all love me, right?
And I'm not doing a will,
so my funeral is gonna be
a fucking bloodbath.
I'm at that age now where people ask me
what I've got planned for my funeral.
Even journalists say,
"How-- What's your funeral--"
I go, "I haven't planned it."
"No?" "No, it's depressing."
"Also, I don't care. I'll be dead."
They go, "Don't care about
what people think of you?"
"No, I'll be dead."
They go, "What about your legacy?"
"Fuck my legacy."
You can't plan your legacy.
I think of all these people
who died thinking they'd be loved forever.
Eminent people going,
"There is a statue of me
in the town square."
And now, they're pulling down the statues.
"Pull down this fucking statue." "Why?"
"He was a slave trader.
Pull down the fucking statue."
"He built the hospital. Should we pull
that down?" "No, leave the hospital."
"Just pull down the fucking statue."
"Pull down the statue
and dump it in the canal."
"He built the canal." "Doesn't matter.
Just pull down the fucking statue."
I don't think
you should whitewash history.
If you find out summat new, add to it.
Like, if there's a statue, and it's got,
"Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist."
Add, "a bit racist."
Or one of those blue plaques
on a house that goes,
"Sir Robert Spewk lived here."
"Author, poet, pedo."
I think we live too long. That's why
we have time to worry about all this.
We're not meant to live this long.
Uh, as a species,
we're about 300,000 years old,
as Homo sapiens.
We've been around as hominids
for a few million years, and, of course,
along with every other life-form
that exists at the moment,
we've been evolving
for three and a half billion years.
Everything that exists at the moment
all came from the same little blob
of organic matter
three and a half billion years ago.
That's why it annoys me when people say,
"Oh, yeah, humans,
we're the most evolved."
We're not the most evolved.
We're no more evolved
than the slug or the snail.
People go, "Come on, look at 'em."
Yeah, they got it right early doors.
Nature keeps testing 'em.
"Do you want eyes?"
"No."
"Not really. No. No."
I have noticed one thing
about the slug and the snail.
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.
The snail is basically a slug
with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?
But if you pull the shell off the snail,
it starts giving it all
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."
And the slug is like,
"Welcome to the real world, cunt."
Know what I mean?
So, yeah, we've been around
for about 300,000 years.
And for most of that time,
we had the same life expectancy
as every other wild ape.
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.
You're born, you grow, you mate,
you're playing with your kids,
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"
Dead.
But now, with antibiotics and medicine,
we've pushed that forward.
A child born today
can expect to live to about 100.
And scientists said
soon that'll be about 120.
And science also said that,
in the near future,
there's no reason,
with proper care and attention,
that human beings
won't regularly live to 150 years old.
Which is amazing, until you remember
that we get a set number of brain cells,
which we only lose.
You can't get them back.
So, in the future, there's gonna be
15 billion people on the planet. You know?
Half of them are gonna be over 100,
and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.
It's gonna be like Dawn of the Dead.
It's gonna be fucking horrible.
You know?
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.
Um, I don't know
how you die of Alzheimer's.
She forgot to live. Right?
And for the last couple of years,
she was in a home,
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid,
used to visit her, like, once a week.
And it got more and more depressing,
'cause soon she didn't recognize him,
and then she didn't know who she was, or--
and then she died.
And at the funeral, we were sort of
reminiscing about the good days.
Some of the funny,
absent-minded things she said and did.
Then we realized, oh, probably,
that was the beginning of the disease
before it was diagnosed.
And this is a true story.
Once, my cousin went home from work,
and he went in, and she went,
"Your tea's in the oven.
I've had mine already."
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he--
It was like a fish pie, right?
He ate the fish pie,
then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."
He ran upstairs
Vomited. Went back down and went,
"Mum, the fish is off.
I've just been really sick."
And she said,
"Yeah, it made me really sick."
I've been looking into
infant mortality rates recently.
Um
For research. Not--
It's not a fucking fetish. Like
A child born today in the UK
has a percentage chance of survival
of 99.8%, which is incredible.
I thought, "Is that just
the mollycoddled West?"
I was putting in Third World countries.
And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.
In the wilds of Africa,
where everything wants
to fucking eat a newborn baby.
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?
In Africa, a baby
can be born in a mud hut.
There's a lion outside.
It's covered in blood.
They can't wash it. They've got no water.
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.
Now
by the time that joke goes on Netflix
it'll be nuanced.
There'll be an underlying
satirical point, I'll claim.
But, until then, all I've got is,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
I know that it's funny.
I just have to work out why.
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,
I'll have been playing
arenas around the world.
It'll be hitting hard.
People will be laughing.
So if you are an African woman,
and you you just had a baby in Africa,
and the doctor goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."
You go, "Oh my God."
You're there Baby's got--
You're there with your husband,
and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."
Jeff
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch
some comedy to cheer us up?"
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."
"Yeah."
And they're they're sad
that their baby's got AIDS,
but they're sort of laughing along.
"Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha."
And it gets to that bit,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
And she goes, "Oh my God.
Jeff, why why are they all laughing at us
and our baby with AIDS?"
And Jeff goes,
"Well, they're not laughing at us per se."
She goes, "Well, they are.
They've named us and everything."
"They're literally laughing at us
in this bit."
And Jeff goes,
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
with a fictional baby with AIDS."
"Anyone offended by that
is a fucking moron."
And then, he goes,
"And at least he didn't do the accent."
So
And she goes, "Yeah,
but only because Jane begged him not to."
It's funny 'cause it's true.
I think we get our sense of humor
from our parents,
whether we realize it or not.
Particularly working-class kids.
Particularly from working-class mums.
'Cause they're busy.
They're doing everything.
They're keeping men in check,
they're bringing up kids,
they're going to work,
they're saving the world.
They haven't got time.
They have to frighten their kids
into behaving well.
They have to go to dark places
to shock them into not fucking dying.
Do you know what I mean?
So Like, if I was little,
and my mum made my tea,
and it wasn't my favorite,
it was boiled potatoes,
instead of chips every day,
and I went, "I don't like them,"
my mum would go straight to,
"Of course you do."
"There's children your age
in Africa and they're starving to death."
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right."
You know what I mean?
Ju--
True story. I was seven years old, right,
and I'd been playing in the park.
And I came running in, and my mum went,
"Ricky, come here. Sit down."
There must've been
a local pedo incident, all right?
And my mum went, "Never go
in the toilets in the park again."
And I went, "Why?"
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia
to a seven-year-old, right?
But this is what she came up with.
She said,
"Because there's a man going around,
and he's cutting
little boys' willies off."
I was like
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it?
That's a"
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh--
And it worked. I never went
in those fucking toilets again.
But she knew, instinctively.
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."
"What's the matter?"
"Never go in the toilets again."
"Why not?" "There's a pedophile."
"What's a pedophile?"
"Oh, he's a man who gives you
sweets and puppies."
"Bring it on!" You know what I mean?
Me-- At seven years old?
I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.
It'd be like that, wouldn't it?
It'd be like that.
I'm gonna get a puppy.
Hi.
I'm getting a puppy. I'm getting a puppy.
Gonna get a puppy.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, I can't--
I cannot do it left-handed at all.
Fucking hell, come on.
Have you been drinking?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Come on!
Fucking hell. Oh.
I've started, so I'll finish.
Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh.
What sort of puppy is it?
A what? A Labrador?
Throw in a kitten,
and I'll give you a blow job.
I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum.
Oh
I miss the local pedo.
Don't you?
There was always one, wasn't there?
Outside school, you'd be with your mum,
and she'd go, "Look, there's a pedophile."
'Cause he had the uniform of the pedo.
You know what I mean?
You could spot-- Old bloke, bald on top,
long down the side. Like that.
And I'll go, "That's a dirty p--"
"Say hello."
"Hello." Like that. Dirty look.
That's what a fucking pedo looks--
Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
That's what he'd look--
If he touches you,
we'll burn his house down.
It was a good system. Know what I mean?
But then Michael Jackson comes along,
and he breaks the mold, doesn't he?
'Cause he's he's not an ugly bloke
outside the school.
I'm not saying Michael Jackson
definitely was a pedophile. No one knows.
Only Michael
and all those people he paid off.
All I'm saying is
Yes!
that
kids loved Michael.
They--
Kids loved Michael just to look at him.
Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
And then his voice, "Hello."
You know, that--
Oh. Michael Jackson would go up
to any kid he wanted.
Probably went up to them like that,
didn't he? Like that.
That's another thing. Kids would go,
"There's Michael Jackson.
He's going away from us."
He wasn't. He was going towards them.
But people don't care,
'cause he's so good.
Right? He's so good.
He's so popular as well.
I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
he'd have beaten the rap,
'cause everyone loves him,
and he'd be so vulnerable
in court as well, wouldn't he?
He'd be there like that,
and the judge would go,
"Michael, did you fiddle
with all those kids?"
And he'd go, "Hee, hee."
The judge would go, "Case di--
Get out of here, you scamp. Go on."
I promised you more about China,
and this is, uh,
an amazing statistic, okay?
This is true. Look it up, right?
In China,
there are ten million Chinese pedophiles.
Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China,
and there's not enough kids.
'Cause they've been restricting the birth.
There's all these poor pedos
and they're going,
"Where's all the fucking kids?"
You know?
"Fuck me."
"We're having to double up here,
and, like"
I just thought of a joke then.
I can't do it.
It is actually too offensive.
Okay. Okay. All right.
All right, I'll do it.
But But remember, remember,
you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?
And I just had this thought, right?
Chi-- Okay.
Chinese pedophile Chinese pedophile
goes over to a little Chinese kid,
and he goes, "Do you want a puppy?"
And the kid goes, "I'm not hungry."
You made me do that.
You committed the hate crime.
I'm woke. I forgot.
Let me get back on track. Right.
Right, I've got a woke joke.
Remember those jokes we used to have
when we were kids? "Doctor, Doctor" jokes?
Like, um, "Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."
"Well, pull yourself together, then."
Right?
I've I've done a woke version of that,
brought it up to today's standards.
Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes,
"Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."
And the doctor goes,
"Well, you are, then."
Good one that, innit?
I should do political stuff now I'm woke,
but I don't like it when a comedian
just spouts his own political views,
and it and it relies on the audience
agreeing with him
to get a round of applause.
I think that loses summat comedically.
I want everyone to like my jokes,
whatever your political persuasion.
A joke shouldn't have
a political wing, you know.
I'm I'm political in my private life,
like everyone, you know.
I'm sometimes incensed
by the inequalities in our society.
We're in the seventh richest economy
in the world, right,
and there's homelessness.
There's 250,000 homeless people
in Britain.
Now, I wish there were no homeless people,
'cause they're fucking horrible.
Fuck off.
You know? Oh
"Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint,
you cheeky cunt."
It is a serious problem, and I hope
none of you ever find yourself homeless,
but if you do, my advice is heroin.
Cheers you right up, apparently.
Um, I've got one of those mates.
My mate said this to me
in all seriousness.
He said, "Yeah." He said, "But the thing
about heroin, Rick," he said,
"Some of the greatest albums of all time
were created on heroin, weren't they?"
I went, "Yeah, but they were created by
some of the greatest artists of all time."
"You're a plasterer."
Right?
"If I were to give you heroin,
you wouldn't come up
with Dark Side of the Moon, would ya?"
"You'd fall asleep watching the telly
and burn the fucking house down."
I should do, uh, topical stuff,
but I never watch the news.
I did see one thing recently
on YouTube actually.
Do you know the little fellow
from Game of Thrones?
Um, the actor Peter Dinklage.
Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah.
He was at a junket, and it was for
a new thing he was doing, right?
And they were filming it.
That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.
And I don't know what brought it up,
but he suddenly started going off on one.
Oh God. He was going,
"It's fucking disgusting."
"They're still doing productions
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
"For Christ's sake!
It's fucking demeaning. It's 2023!"
He wasn't happy.
He was grumpy, wasn't he?
He's got a point though, hasn't he?
Obviously, he's got a point.
But the thing is, it's all right for him,
'cause he's a multi-millionaire
Hollywood actor.
And he's a great actor as well.
He does Shakespeare and everything.
A lot of dwarfs in entertainment
aren't that great, if we're--
No, some of them are fucking--
They're props, right?
No, let's be--
They're They're lucky to be fired
from a fucking cannon. Right?
And so, dancing around Snow White
for three weeks of the year,
that is their Holy Grail,
and he's gonna fuck it for them.
If he takes that, what can they do?
And he's not saying,
"You should do Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs with normal-sized actors."
You can't do that either.
You'd get in trouble in Hollywood.
Or you can't take a dwarf's job
or a disabled person's job.
Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble
when he played Stephen Hawking
in the biopic.
The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
Won an Oscar for it.
And that's when the backlash started.
People going, "No, it should be played
by a real disabled creature."
- All this All right?
- And, uh
And
They're going,
"The actor should have the same disability
as the person they're portraying."
But it was the life story
of Stephen Hawking, right?
So for the first part of the film,
the cunt could walk, right?
So I put it to you, what is easier?
Getting an actor who can walk
pretend he can't
for the last bit of the film,
or get an actor who can't walk,
pretend he can for the first bit?
How would that even fucking work?!
Puppetry? Think!
You can't always find an actor
with the same disability
as the person they're portraying.
They're fucking actors!
What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
the deaf, dumb, and blind girl?
What's the chance of finding a deaf, dumb,
and blind actress who can play that role?
And if you did,
you'd go running to the director.
"We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl."
"What did she say?" "N-- I"
"She didn't even answer
the fucking phone."
Oh, don't get me started. Oh.
Oh.
Cultural appropriation.
Have you heard of that?
Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no.
Now, again, in my day,
it was considered a good thing
to swap ideas
with other cultures, with other nations,
to share things
with other races, to assimilate.
It was the opposite of racist.
Now it's racist.
Gwen Stefani got in trouble
in her last video
'cause she had
her blonde hair in dreadlocks.
People were going,
"No. Black people invented dreadlocks."
"You can't have 'em.
You're white. That's racist."
Jamie Oliver got in trouble
when he put out
an authentic jerk chicken recipe.
"No. Black people invented that."
"You can't have it.
You're white. That's racist."
Now, Black people,
they use the n-word, don't they?
We invented that!
That's the one, innit? That's the one.
Listen, I know white people are the worst.
I know that.
That's why no no one likes
a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore,
until we need a boiler fixing.
Then it's,
"Get the bald bloke around. Now."
Critical race theory,
have you heard of that?
Being taught in schools now,
particularly in trendy areas like L.A.,
to, like, five-year-old kids
and six-year-old kids.
If you haven't heard of it, in a nutshell,
critical race theory says that
all white people are racist.
We're born racist,
and we continue to be racist,
'cause we're affording the privilege
of a racist society
set up by our forefathers. Okay?
So basically, all white people are racist,
and there's nothing we can do about it,
which is a relief.
Um
I think the world's gonna get
harder and harder to understand
as I get older and more bewildered.
A new dogma arises
in the name of "progress."
Now, dogma is never progressive,
however new and trendy.
But I think soon I'll be outnumbered.
Like, it was only this year
that I ordered my first item off Amazon.
All the way through the pandemic,
Jane's like, "We need this."
Bang, it's here. I was going, "Oh no."
She goes, "It's easy."
I'd go, "Mm." I never liked
real shopping either. Hated real shopping.
Particularly, clothes shopping.
I hated clothes shopping
when I was young and thin.
I really hate it
now I'm fat and old. Right?
Once, a shop assistant
thought I had my inside leg
and my waist measurement
the wrong way round.
I could see her thinking,
"Do you have an orangutan?"
"No, it's for me, you cheeky"
I never liked real shopping,
but I don't trust the Internet either.
Jane was going,
"Just put in your credit card."
"I don't want them
to have my card details."
"Everyone's got your card details.
Put the number in."
I went, "What one?"
She went, "The long one."
She went, "Oh, fuck me, give it here.
There. You're on. Order summat."
I thought, "Oh, I don't want anything.
Oh, tracksuit bottoms."
You can't have too many. I wear mine
till the bollocks fall out, all right?
So I put in, "Men's tracksuit bottoms.
Black. Zip pockets."
About 38 "Oh, fuck me."
"They look all right." Size chart.
I go, "Well, they'd be a bit long,
but they'd be a bit tight." I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"
So I ordered them.
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,
but he should be fucking punished,
because the-- Ah.
Oh.
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain
to get him fired, right?
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day
in these fucking places, right?
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?
And I can tell some of you are thinking,
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."
Was that too much? Sorry.
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.
So, uh
I don't know how humanity will end.
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are
And our antibiotics fail.
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male
gets to pass on his genetic material.
There's other paradigms, right?
Uh, nature is brutal.
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.
And even then, she has a litter.
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.
We go to the other way.
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable
to give 'em a chance. Like
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?
You've got Jack, who's eight.
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"
And he goes,
"Motorized wheelchair."
Aha
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.
It's too late now, innit?
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"
"Motorized wheelchair."
"Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so"
"Fucking hell."
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."
"Oh, good lad."
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you"
"Also, a ramp."
"Fuck me."
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair
for this money-grabbing little fucking"
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
"No arms."
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?
But let me let me tell you summat
about Timmy
to make you feel better about yourselves.
He's a fucking racist.
Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.
"You fucking You little fucking bigot."
"You fucking
You disgusting, little fucking racist."
"You racist scum."
"You filthy little fucking You fascist."
"You fuck You disgust me."
Homophobic.
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking"
"You prejudiced little piece of
You ball of hate."
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."
"I wish we'd had a scan."
"You absolute You"
Misogynist.
If he could, he'd rape.
There's
There's your little Timmy.
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,
and by himself.
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got Has he got poison?"
"No, no poison." "Oh."
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."
"It'll work stuff out."
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."
"But
for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog."
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."
"His His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are."
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."
"He's absolutely fucked. He's--
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."
Artificial intelligence,
the latest existential threat to humanity.
The rise of the robots.
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.
They can build each other, you know?
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.
Why wouldn't they?
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?
You know when they're getting
really human?
When they start calling in sick.
Mondays. Know what I mean?
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.
"ADHD."
"Self-diagnosed."
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt."
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.
Not your parents, not your grandparents.
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.
They could take a fucking joke, right?
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.
This is a true story.
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.
You're welcome. You're welcome.
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk
and move to a new one and start again?
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?
It's got no atmosphere,
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.
How's this for irony?
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean
I don't know.
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring--
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like--
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in--"
We're already in space.
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.
It's like-- There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't.
But I'm optimistic.
I am. I think
I think, uh
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,
and 4% wild now.
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.
People love their dogs so much,
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.
And I get that.
There's a-- There's a website.
It's a real website.
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?
And it was set up
because people would watch a film
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,
and they'd turn it off.
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.
Anything you don't want to see in a film,
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.
Uh, Schindler's List.
Absolutely real. Schindler's List.
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."
"Does a cat die?" "No."
"Are any animals abused?"
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,
but otherwise unharmed."
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.
But if I was Jewish,
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.
Imagine that in real life.
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."
You go, "Oh, what happened?"
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh"
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"
But as I say, it's become
You can ask any question about anything.
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"
Yeah. Well, yeah.
Yes. Um
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. Schindler's List. Right?
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"
Would that make this worse? Wh--
Imagine the real thing.
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?
And I go, "Rude."
"Nope."
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"
Yeah, there is.
Suck it up, buttercup.
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"
Very few jokes.
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.
But this one takes the biscuit for me.
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.
Check this out.
"Is someone misgendered?"
Fucking hell.
Oh shit!
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"
Yeah.
This is pretty much the mother lode.
Right?
Forget Kanye.
This
This is off the fucking charts.
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.
Fuck's sake!
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.
This is off the charts.
That's
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."
Like that.
Hiya.
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered
If you've If you've seen the film,
if you remember,
when the story sort of ends,
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,
and they each leave a stone on the grave
to represent their family members
that were murdered.
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over
to build a little rockery.
So
I asked one question myself on this.
"Is James Corden in it?"
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.
Uh, Titanic. Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"
Someone answers,
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."
"Oh no, not water."
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."
I'll leave you with a true story.
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"
When I was seven years old,
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called Old Yeller.
Beautiful film.
Yeah, made in the late '50s.
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.
And it's about a a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.
Eventually, when the dog's big,
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,
it takes a dark turn.
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and
getting aggressive.
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."
And he shoots his own dog.
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?
Anyway, fast-forward.
A few years ago, I was on tour.
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching Old Yeller."
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.
I
Oh, I thought she knew.
So I sent back, "No, of course not."
One hour later, I get a text,
"You cunt!"
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Cheers.
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."
Um, and that's
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,
and turkeys, and ostriches.
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt.
So speaking up really does work. Right?
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.
'Cause I know, in the real world,
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.
People tell you off
for saying certain things,
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?
They say you're bad for laughing at that.
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.
It's involuntary.
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.
Right? And
Uh
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I--"
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.
You're a safe pair of hands.
You're testing yourself,
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.
You're a good person, right?
I don't get that one. Um
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"
Why would I
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."
But here's the irony.
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,
that you're aware of your own privilege,
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic Yes, I'm definitely woke.
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,
then, no, I'm not woke.
Fuck that.
But here's the deal.
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.