Rideshare (2018) Movie Script
(car engine whirring)
(gum snapping)
- So, is this your main gig?
Or just your side hustle?
Hmm, the silent type, eh?
That's how I like my men anyway.
Wanna be my boyfriend?
(tires screeching)
Uh.
Ah.
- Oopsy.
- Jeez.
- [Jason] Boy,
you look thirsty.
Here,
have some water.
- I'm good, thanks.
- [Jason] I insist.
So what are your plans for the night?
Anything
special?
- Um, you know, just the uje.
How 'bout you?
- [Jason] A little bit of this,
and a little bit of that.
- Total.
(phone beeping)
(ominous orchestral music)
This taste kinda funny.
- [Jason] It should.
- What?
- [Jason] I said it should, shouldn't it?
- Um,
no.
Why?
- [Jason] It's an off-brand.
- Oh.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Oh, look at that.
Here we are.
Have a good night.
- Yeah,
you too.
(jarring orchestral music)
(door handle clacking)
- Uh, can you, please, un...
Help me, mm.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- You just have to push it.
(door clacks open)
Hard.
- Okay.
Thanks.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Wait, Alissa?
- Yeah?
- [Jason] You forgot something.
- What is--
(body thuds against ground)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] I live in Hollywood.
It's a shit hole.
People come here from all over the world
just to be disappointed.
Dreamers move here to
accomplish their dreams,
and end up accomplishing nothing.
The only honest thing about this place
is the dishonesty.
The boulevard of broken dreams.
People trying to deceive
you at every corner.
Tourist traps out the yang.
The only place where you can
see all the super heroes.
Vader, Sponge Bob, all sucking
off the teet of society.
They're the true winners.
They're they only so-called actors
that are actually working.
Schmucks give 'em five
bucks a pop for a pic.
Good for them.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(phone beeping)
- Hi, there.
Jason, correct?
- [Jason] Yes.
- [Ilana] Okay, this is our first time.
- Yeah, we're virgins. (chuckling)
Well, at this anyway.
(Liam laughing)
(Llana laughing)
I'm kiddin' around.
I'm kiddin' around.
- I had a half a glass of
vino before I got in your car.
- I had the other half.
(Ilana laughing)
We don't normally do that.
- No.
(Liam laughing)
- It was good wine.
Really good.
- [Ilana] From a box.
- Yeah.
So how do you like driving?
- Yeah, do you do the Lyft as well?
- Do you ever get any weirdos in the car?
- Oh, my God, please tell us some stories.
- [Jason] What do you mean?
- Any weirdos, you ever get any weirdos
in the car?
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Jason] All the time.
- Oh, my gosh, what happened?
- Tell me, tell me, tell me, I wanna know.
- [Jason] Normally?
- Normally or weirdly.
(Ilana and Liam laughing)
- Well.
- Tell us.
- Yeah, what'd you do?
- When that happens,
if they're
weird.
- Ah.
- Or annoying.
- Right.
I hate those people.
- I,
- Oh, my God,
Tell us, tell us.
- Tell us, tell us,
tell us, you gotta tell us.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Jason] I kill them.
(Jason laughing)
(Ilana laughing)
- Oh,
you really had me.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gosh.
- That freaked me out.
- That was good.
(Ilana laughing)
I really thought you killed people.
(Ilana laughing)
Wow.
That was good.
- That was good.
Have you done any acting?
'Cause you could be good.
- Yeah.
- Would you like
to hear a joke?
- Do I have a severe astigmatism?
Yes.
- He's 100% blind.
(Liam laughing)
- Hmm.
- I can't see a thing.
No, but seriously, I'd
love to hear a joke.
- [Jason] A man walks into a bar.
- Mm, been there.
- [Jason] He's like, wow,
there's so many beautiful
women in this bar.
So he goes up to the bar,
and there's a man sitting at the bar,
and he says to the man,
hey, buddy,
do you see all these beautiful
women here at this bar?
And the man says,
yes,
and in fact,
I can have sex
with any women in this bar.
Now the man looks at him weird and says,
hold on a minute,
what makes you think you can have sex
with any women in this bar?
And the man takes a drink
and looks at him and says,
because I'm a rapist.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You know what I could see you doing?
Hosting one of those murder mystery shows,
where you give that deadpan
the whole time.
- Yeah.
- You know?
- Oh, I, I could totally
do something like that.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I mean, my husband here
can point you in the right direction
'cause he does improv every Saturday night
at the Yuks Yard.
- Guilty, guilty.
- [Jason] The Yuks Yard?
Sounds like a real hootenanny.
- It really is.
- It is.
- You know, we have a whole troop.
- Yeah.
- Um, for instance,
this one time we had about
14 of us in the group.
- Oh, my God, so funny.
- And we started doing
Yuk you.
(tires screeching)
Oh.
- Oh.
- [Jason] Would you look at that?
We're here.
- Wow, yeah, that was fast.
Thank you.
- Mm.
- You should totally come tomorrow night.
- It's totally free.
- Yeah, it's just a two drink minimum.
- Mm-hmm, and parking is $20 dollars,
but it's from from 9 to ten,
so if you move your car then you're fine,
but hang onto your ticket if you park
in the lot across the street
because if you lose it's a
$100 dollars which is crazy.
And I made that mistake twice, so.
- [Liam] Yeah, it's $220
to get it out of impound.
- Yeah.
- Which they
will do to you.
- Yeah.
- Sounds
like a plan.
- Good, okay.
- Great.
- Alright, we'll see you tomorrow.
- Yuks Yard, 8 o'clock.
- Yes, see you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow, thank you.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
Bye, Jason. (laughing)
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
(car door clacks shut)
- [Jason] I'd rather set myself on fire.
(phone beeping)
- Headed on over to my lady's pad.
- Mm.
- Well,
gonna Netflix and chill.
(laughing) If you know what I mean?
- [Jason] Oh, I know exactly
what you mean.
- Good, good.
(chuckling) I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
We'll, ah, you know, we'll
probably just hang out,
cook some dinner, maybe
catch a flick, you know?
- [Jason] Sounds like a blast.
- [Troy] You gotta please the ladies.
Am I right?
- [Jason] Yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.
Exceedingly
so.
She doesn't deserve it.
- Doesn't deserve what?
- [Jason] What?
- You said, she doesn't deserve it.
- [Jason] Oh, I'm not
talking about anybody.
Am I?
- Hmm.
So, ah,
you married, Mr.,
Mr.,
Mr. Jason?
- [Jason] No.
Single.
- Hah, that's the way it should be.
Any kids?
- [Jason] I just said I was single, moron.
- Oh, okay.
I mean--
- [Jason] You mean, what?
- You can still have kids and be single.
- [Jason] I have two boys.
Two
little boys.
- Cool.
Cool beans.
- [Jason] How 'bout you?
- Uh, nah.
Nah, just a girlfriend.
- [Jason] Well, good for you.
- Yeah, uh-huh, or at least
she thinks she's my
girlfriend. (chuckling)
- [Jason] Go on.
- I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm a monogamous guy.
- [Jason] But?
- A red-blooded, American male.
- [Jason] Meaning?
- I mean, guys, you know,
we're not monogamous.
By our nature.
- [Jason] Hmm.
If you say so.
- Oh, yeah, right here.
Right here's perfect.
Hey, have a good night, man.
- [Jason] You too.
Have fun with your girlfriend
or whatever she is.
- Meaningless sex object?
- [Jason] If you say so.
- (laughing) No, I'm kidding, man.
I'm kidding, have a good one.
- [Jason] You have to, ah, push one it.
Hard.
- Got it.
Hey, ah, if you're not busy later,
can you
pick me up
at this address?
Say at like 10?
Can you do that?
- [Jason] Um, I don't know.
I'm not sure.
- Uh.
I'll make it worth your while.
- [Jason] Okay.
- Alright, I'll see you there.
(phone beeping)
- [Susie] Oh, my God, hi, are you Jason?
- [Jason] Yes, get in.
- Oh, hi, Jason.
Wow, that is so funny.
I have a cousin named Jason.
He doesn't look like you, though.
- [Jason] Oh, small world.
- Hey, buckle up.
- I'm okay, he looks like a safe driver.
- Fine, have it your way.
- Yeah, what are the chances, right?
Last time I saw my cousin, Jason,
we were in Fiji, weren't we, honey?
- Uh-huh.
- So we
went to Fiji and, oh, my goodness.
The water and everything,
it was so gorgeous.
We went on this excursion,
and our tour guide was
this cute little Asian man.
He had a little rice picker hat.
It was just adorable.
- [Jason Voiceover] I could car less where
you went with your cousin, Jason, bitch.
Wow,
congratulations.
Him and a few million other American men
are all named Jason.
How can this dude put up
with this mindless broad?
Look at him on his phone.
He's probably on a dating app trying
to find other women to fool
around with in his spare time.
If he has any spare time.
What a moron.
- And my mother inherited
my grandmother's ring,
and I'll tell you what,
it was not a small ring, it is huge,
and she was gonna give
it to me for my wedding,
but I told her, no, it's better
off if my sister takes it.
So my sister has it.
- [Jason Voiceover] What a great idea.
Two meaningless zoo
animals getting together
to live a fantasy dream.
What a nightmare.
How can this idiot handle being with her?
She's babbling.
- And a lotta people say that
was a really humble
thing to do on my part,
but that's just who I am as a person.
- [Jason Voiceover] I bet even if
I don't say another word,
she'll continue on
and on
and on.
- I love giving to charities
and animal rights, that's like my passion.
I think it's just so disgusting
what they do to those geese.
You know, to get their,
what do you call it?
The, the down feathers?
Ooh, that's disgusting.
Isn't it disgusting, babe?
- Yeah,
right.
- Babe, are you even listening to me?
- [Sam] I'm listening, babe.
It's disgusting.
- You're shittin' right, it's disgusting.
(tires screeching)
Ooh.
Wait a minute.
Where are we?
- I had to stop for a moment.
- Are you serious?
Can you believe this, honey?
- Who cares?
- My apologies.
I have to get something out of the trunk.
Thank you for being patient.
You both seem like two
very patient individuals.
Especially you, Susie.
- Go.
It's totally cool.
I'm very patient.
I am patient.
It's part of who I am as a person.
- Here,
you both look very thirsty.
Would you like some
(dramatic orchestral music)
water?
- Oh, thank you.
How cute.
Teeny tiny little water bottle.
This kinda reminds me of something, babe.
Doesn't it remind you of something?
- Ha-ha, very funny.
(Susie laughing)
- That is funny.
I'm so funny.
- [Sam] Yeah, I said
it, said it was funny.
- You know, I could write a comedy sitcom
and sell it to a network.
I should take one of those improv classes.
Uh, I could do standup.
I bet I would be so good at standup.
Wouldn't I be good?
- [Sam] Ah, yeah.
- You don't think I would good at standup?
- Oh, no, you'd, you'd be good.
- That's right.
I'm way funnier then that one fat bitch
from the Comedy Channel.
(ominous orchestral music)
Mm, mm, mm.
Mm-mm.
Not one sip for you, young man.
You take one sip you'll have
to pee pee time in two minutes.
- So what?
- So, we don't have any ti...
(ominous orchestral music)
Ow.
(trunk banging shut)
Ow, what the hell?
My stomach hurts.
- [Sam] Are you okay?
- [Susie] No, my stomach really hurts.
- Thank you so much,
- Ow.
- [Jason] For being patient.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- What's wrong?
Are you okay?
- Yeah, it's just my--
- Don't worry.
You'll be home soon.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Ow, ow.
- Shh.
Be quiet, we'll be home soon.
- Did you just say be quiet to me?
- Shh.
- My stomach hurts.
- [Sam] It's probably the shellfish.
- [Susie] It's not the shellfish.
- How do you know?
- You had shellfish,
your stomach doesn't hurt.
- That's cause I'm not shellfish like you.
- Not funny.
- [Sam] I'm sorry.
- Ow.
The water.
I just took a sip of water.
It's the water.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Susie,
water doesn't make your stomach hurt.
- Yes, it does.
- That doesn't make any sense, here look.
- [Susie] No, no, don't do it.
No.
(dramatic orchestral music)
No.
Ow.
- [Sam] It's fine, we're fine.
- Ow, ow, ow.
I think he drugged the water.
- You're ridiculous.
I just took a big gulp and I feel fine.
Hey, driver?
You didn't drug the water, did you?
- [Jason] Me?
- No, the other driver that's
driving us around right now.
- [Jason] Huh, you are so smart.
- [Sam] Did you or didn't you?
- [Jason] I would do nothing of the sort.
- See honey, he would
do nothing of the sort.
- And you believe him?
- Ow.
My stomach.
- [Susie] See?
- Ah, it's gotta be the shellfish.
- It's not, you're an idiot.
Oh, my God, it's the water.
- It's finally digesting.
- That's it.
I am calling the cops.
(phone beeping)
(Sam groaning)
Yes, I'd like to report an emergency.
My boyfriend and I have been
drugged by our Hitch driver.
- [Jason] I haven't done anything.
- Susie.
- Yes, we live,
uh, yes.
Um.
- Susie, you're
overreacting.
- Ooh.
- [Jason] Give me your phone.
- No, I'm not giving you my phone.
Get outta here.
- Quit being shellfish.
- It's not funny dude.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Um,
yes, he's drugged us.
Get off.
- Give me the phone.
- My boyfriend is trying
to rape me.
- Give me the phone.
- I live at 407 Highland
Hills, please. (screaming)
- Give me the phone.
(tires screeching)
- [Jason] Is she okay?
- [Sam] She'll be fine.
My stomach really does hurt, though.
- [Jason] It's probably the shellfish.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(train clanking along tracks)
(body thuds against ground)
(ominous orchestral music)
(train horn blaring)
(train clanking along tracks)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(coffee trickling)
(glove snapping)
(capsule pattering)
(capsule pattering)
(capsule pattering)
(phone beeping)
(capsules rattling)
(powdered drugs sprinkling)
(powdered drugs sprinkling)
(ketchup squirting)
(stapler clicking)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(hand banging on door)
- [Bree] Oh, wow, hi.
- Hello there.
- It's weird, I thought you were farther.
- The app does that sometimes.
- Oh,
okay.
- Here's your Hawaiian veggie burger.
- How did you know what I ordered?
- The app told me.
- Oh,
duh.
Okay, thanks, bye.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(hand thuds against door)
- Can I use your restroom real quick?
- Yeah,
no.
My place isn't really like fit for that.
- I'm sure it's not,
but it'll be real quick.
I really have to
urinate.
(Bree sighing)
Pretty please?
- Yeah,
sure.
Um, just excuse the mess.
And be quick.
- Oh, it will only take a minute.
(ventilator whirring)
- [Bree] Alright.
Come to mama.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
(ventilator whirring)
Yeah.
(cork popping)
(wine trickling)
Shit.
(Bree gulping)
(Bree gulping)
(bottles clinking)
(ominous electronic music)
(ventilator whirring)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree mumbling)
(ventilator whirring)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(keys jangling)
(ominous orchestral music)
(key clacks into keyhole)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(door clacks open)
- Uh, aw.
(bottles clinking)
(phone beeping)
- Shit.
(Steve chuckling)
(Pippin sniffing)
(Pippin panting)
(Pippin barking)
(ominous electronic music)
(Pippin barking)
- [Jason] Shut up, shut up you mutt.
(Pippin barking)
- [Steve] Piffin?
(Piffin barking)
(Piffin crying)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Steve] Piffin?
(dramatic orchestral music)
Piffin?
Hmm.
(jarring orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Woman] Oh, hi.
I don't believe I've ever
seen you around here.
- [Jason] Excuse me, I have to get by.
- [Woman] Well, why are you so nervous?
- I have, I've got a rider,
I'm gonna be late.
- Ooh, a rider?
Really, how--
- I'm a Hitch driver.
- Oh, that explains everything.
- [Jason] Leave me alone.
- Fine.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Dude.
What the hell took you so long?
- [Jason] I apologize.
I was caught up.
- Well, you're gonna
make me late for my show.
- [Jason] Again, I, I apologize.
I'm, I'm sorry.
(Spankie sighing)
- Well, step on it.
- [Jason] Um, we will
get there safe and sound.
Without getting a ticket.
- It's okay, my followers can wait.
- [Jason] Your followers?
- Oh, you don't know?
- [Jason] Know what?
- Who I am?
- [Jason] Spankie?
- I'm Spankie frickin' Valentine.
- [Jason] Oh.
So you're a porn star?
- Wow.
- [Jason] Because that would make sense.
(Spankie sighing)
(phone camera clicks)
(phone camera clicks)
- No.
For your information, I'm a musician.
- [Jason] Oh, a musician.
That's rare.
Especially in LA.
- Oh, and it's so rare you being
a Hitch driver in LA, now isn't it?
- [Jason] (chuckling) I, I
was just kidding with you.
What type of music do you perform?
I'm intrigued.
- Oh,
well,
I,
I do pop
and rock
and
hip hop.
Pretty much any style,
I like to do it all.
- [Jason] Wow, I'm impressed.
- I know, right?
Thank you so
much.
- [Jason] You're welcome so much.
- Well, what about you?
- [Jason] What about me?
- I don't know, do you
play any instruments?
- [Jason] I, I used to, not anymore.
- Okay, so, what instrument
did you used to play?
- Well--
- Wa, wa, wa,
wa, wa, wait.
Let me guess, let me guess.
I got this.
You were totally in a
marching band, right?
- [Jason] You figured me out.
- I know, it's, it's totally normal
Kids like you do the whole
marching band scene, I get it.
- [Jason] What do you mean, kids like me?
- I, I'm not trying to be mean.
- [Jason] Oh, no, don't worry.
You won't offend me.
- Well, you know, like, nerdy.
- [Jason] Guilty as charged.
- Hey, I mean, nerds rule the world.
Really, so true.
- Yes, they do.
- Like, I was totally just talking
to my boyfriend about this.
- [Jason] Oh.
You have a boyfriend.
- Yes.
- [Jason] Oh, that's too bad.
- Is it though?
- [Jason] Means you can't have any fun.
- Oh, honey,
I have more fun than you
could possibly imagine.
- [Jason] Really, now?
- Yeah, especially,
I love
hitting on hot Hitch drivers
just
like
you.
- Whatever.
(Spankie laughing)
- Oh, come one, I almost
had you there. (laughing)
- [Jason] No, not really.
- Oh, come on, you would have wanted to.
- [Jason] Wanted to what, exactly?
- You know.
It's alright, most guys do.
- [Jason] Wow, you're so modest.
- Well, I mean, when you have
like a couple million followers
and 90% of them are guys,
it's kinda hard not to be.
- [Jason] Does your boyfriend know?
- My boyfriend totally
knows my demographic.
In fact, he encourages
flirtation and that I wear,
you know, like sexy outfits.
It means more merch sales.
- [Jason] Aren't you
worried about security?
- Nah.
That's why I got this bad boy.
- [Jason] Hmm.
Here,
have some of this.
(ominous orchestral music)
- I'm okay.
- [Jason] No, I insist.
- I'm good.
- [Jason] You should
really have some water
before your concert.
- Didn't your mama ever teach you?
- [Jason] Teach me what?
- Not to take candy from strangers?
- [Jason] This isn't candy.
- [Spankie] Same difference.
- [Jason] Whatever you want.
- That's usually how it goes.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I was only playing.
- [Jason] Hmm.
(acoustic country music)
- Oh, my gosh, I love this song.
Don't you love this song? Turn it up.
A band of angels
Comin' after me
A comin' for to carry me home
To swing low
Sweet chariot
A comin' for to carry me home
Swing low
Sweet chariot
A comin' for to carry me home
I'm sometimes up
And sometimes down
But comin' for to carry me home
But still my soul
Feels heavenly bound
A comin' for to carry me home
A swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin' for to carry me
Home
Swing low
(chains jangling)
Sweet chariot
(chains jangling)
Comin' for to carry me
Home
(chains jangling)
I'm sometimes up
And sometimes down
(waves crashing)
Comin' for to carry me
Home
But still my soul
Is heavenly bound
Comin' for to carry me
Home
Swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin for to carry me
Home
Swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin' for to carry me
(water bubbling)
Home
(Water bubbling)
(waves crashing)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Woman] I was worried about you.
- How?
- You weren't answering my texts.
- My apologies.
I was busy.
Taking care of things.
- Come to bed.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I have to be going.
Soon.
- Come here.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
Uh-huh.
(woman moaning)
(woman groaning)
What's gotten into you?
I like it.
(woman groaning)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(Woman sighs)
(hands whack against thighs)
(knocking on window)
- What's up, lookin' for Troy?
- [Jason] Yes.
- Yeah, alright, get in babe.
Come over here.
Give me some of that sugar, baby.
C'mon, mm,
yeah.
- [Woman] Mmm, baby.
- Mm, days, babe, we talkin' about nights.
(woman laughing)
And Dave's gonna make you
a happy girl tonight, yeah.
- [Jason] Okay, kids, here we are.
- [Troy] Alright, c'mon, let's go, baby.
C'mon, you alright.
You alright.
You alright, just wait right there.
Hey,
here you go.
- [Jason] This is a $50 dollar bill.
- I know.
I just, I need you to come back
to that bar around like, midnight.
Don't have the app on.
Alright, I'll just, I'll be waiting.
- Alright, okay.
- Hey, hey.
- Sure, sure, okay.
- I'll make it
worth your while.
- Okay.
- Promise.
Midnight.
- [Jason] Midnight.
Oh, great.
Trace?
- [Trace] Yeah.
- [Jason] Get in.
- (sighing) Thanks.
It's cold out there, man.
You keepin' it warm in here?
- [Jason] Yes, I am.
- Cool.
Damn.
- What?
- I don't know, you ever like,
look up at the stars and
think, you know, maybe we're not alone?
- Whenever I look up at the sky,
I don't see anything.
We live in LA, for chrissakes.
- No, you know what I mean,
like when you go up in the hills,
and you can get away from
all this and it's clear.
- [Jason] Oh, you're talking about aliens?
- Yeah, man.
- Oh, I think about
them all the time.
- [Trace] Really?
- [Jason] No.
- Well, NASA states that there's hundreds
of billions of galaxies in the universe,
and there's roughly the same
amount of habitable planets.
- [Jason] Uh-huh.
- Meaning, out of hundreds of billions
of planets in the known universe,
we're just one tiny spec.
- [Jason] Uh-huh.
- I mean, how can there not
be other live out there?
- [Jason] Well, you make a valid point.
What made you think of this?
- I don't know, man.
It's just been on my mind.
- [Jason] Okay.
- You have any brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Yes.
- Which one, brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Both.
- Older or younger?
- [Jason] I have a brother who's
a, a little bit older than me,
and I have a sister who's younger.
- Cool.
You guys get along?
- [Jason] Well, sort of.
- Sort of?
- [Jason] Well, I mean,
we don't not get along.
- I see.
- [Jason] I mean, we all
sort of live our own lives.
- I know what you mean.
- [Jason] Oh?
- Yeah, we're just all so busy.
- [Jason] Exactly.
- How 'bout kids, man?
You got any kids?
- [Jason] I have two boys.
Two
little boys.
- Nice,
nice.
- [Jason] What makes you ask?
- I don't know, I'm just curious, I guess.
Question.
- [Jason] Ah, here it comes.
- Do you believe in God?
- [Jason] Wow, that's a
really personal question.
- Sorry, man, I'm not meaning
to be personal or anything.
I believe in God or a God.
- [Jason] Good for you.
- [Trace] Do you not believe?
I mean, it's cool if you don't.
I have, you know, friends
that are atheists.
I was an atheist for awhile.
- [Jason] I believe in the idea of a god,
but I don't believe there's some guy
with a white beard
sittin' up in the clouds
and sendin' people to
Hell for stupid reasons.
- Stupid reasons like what?
- [Jason] Oh, you know,
like, jerkin' you gherkin'.
- Huh,
yeah, huh.
I don't know man, Heaven and Hell
are a whole other topic for me.
- [Jason] Now listen,
let's stick to aliens.
- Sure.
- [Jason] I mean, if there any aliens
then I, I hope they're
vastly superior to humans.
It shouldn't be that hard.
- I don't know, we are like
the most intelligent beings
in the known universe.
- [Jason] That's a scary thought.
- I guess, but think about
all that man has accomplished.
I mean, goin' to space, building
the Great Wall of China,
Pyramids in Egypt.
- [Jason] Slave labor.
It's great.
- Yeah, but think about
how far we've come,
and how far we'll go.
The possibilities are endless.
- [Jason] I really feel
like we're moving backwards
rather than forwards.
- [Trace] Really?
- [Jason] Yeah, I mean, take
cellphones for instance.
Everybody's glued to these cellphones.
I pick up a passenger,
the ride's 20 minutes long,
they're glued to their phone
the entire length of the ride.
I remember a time when people used
to communicate with each other.
When people used to
engage with one another.
I remember a time when your neighbors
would leave their doors open,
and you could come over
at anytime you wanted to.
- Yeah, man, but look at all the stuff
you can do on cellphones
that we couldn't do before.
Like order a pizza by
just tapping a few times.
I mean, it's like magic.
- [Jason] We've been able
to do that for decades.
It's called picking up a
phone and placing an order.
- Like, dude, I don't know.
Did something like happen
to you when you were younger
that just made you give up and lose hope?
- [Jason] I haven't lost all hope.
- [Trace] Well, it doesn't sound like it.
- [Jason] I'm just observing.
I mean, take that guy for an example.
Oh, he's texting while driving.
If that isn't a manslaughter
case waiting to happen,
I, I don't know what is.
People are so tuned out,
they have no idea of their surroundings.
The majority of them are morons.
- Hmm, see that's why once in a while
I get away from it all.
- [Jason] Oh, really?
- I unplug.
I go out into the wilderness.
- [Jason] A guy like you
out in the wilderness?
- Yeah.
- [Jason] I can't even picture
a guy like me out in the wilderness.
- (chuckling) See, what
are you complaining about?
- [Jason] I'm not complaining.
I'm observing.
- Well, believe it or not,
camping can lead to some
very valuable insights.
- [Jason] More people should be like you.
You're quite the model citizen.
- You know, I think they are.
They just kinda put up this front
for other people to make them think
they live a certain way
and they're so happy.
Especially out here in LA.
- [Jason] Now that's deep.
- Look, when people see me,
they get a whole different idea about me.
- [Jason] I can't imagine.
- They see this gothic, emo, pussy boy.
- [Jason] Well, I, I mean,
when you walked to the door,
you looked like Bela Lugosi
on his way to a Transylvania party.
You don't really scream out,
hey, come here and give me a hug.
- (chuckling) Touche.
But you know, when people get to know me,
they see that I'm actually just like them.
- [Jason] But you're not like them.
- [Trace] I'm not?
- [Jason] You don't look like them.
You don't act like them.
Most people are judgemental.
- Well, yeah, I'm judgemental too,
but I don't know, you know what I mean.
- [Jason] Yeah, but--
- Just, what I'm saying is
just because I look like this
doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy.
- [Jason] It just means
you're misunderstood.
- I mean, I wouldn't even go that far.
Hey, I'm up here to the right.
- [Jason] Oh.
Well,
thank you for taking the time
to have a meaningful conversation with me.
- No problem, man.
Ah, hey, if you ever need
anything, um, here's my card.
- [Jason] Okay.
- Well, off to work, hmm.
- [Jason] You work here?
- Yeah.
Got the graveyard shift.
Drive safe.
- [Jason] I'll try.
(phone beeping)
- [Anna] Are you Jason?
- [Jason] I should be.
- Thanks.
Adorbs little hula girl, isn't she?
- [Jason] Thank you.
- I was being sarcastic.
- [Jason] Oh.
- You just thought that
was adorable, didn't you?
Like you didn't even think about like,
the raping and pillaging of
like the continent of Hawaii?
- [Jason] Hmm.
I didn't realize Hawaii was a continent.
- Oh, you didn't?
- [Jason] No.
- Will you throw it away?
- [Jason] No.
- Where did you even find such an item?
- [Jason] At Goodwill.
It was a good find.
- So, you're not gonna
take it down because
like it was a really
good find at Goodwill?
- [Jason] I didn't think
it would offend anyone.
- Well, you as a white,
privileged male should know that
that is very offensive to some people.
- [Jason] So now you're judging me?
- I'm not judging you.
I don't judge,
but you're obviously ignorant
because you didn't even know
about the raping and pillaging of Hawaii.
- [Jason] What do you want me to say?
- I don't want you to say anything.
I just want you to take down
your little sexualized hula girl.
- [Jason] Not gonna happen.
You can give me one star if you want.
- Huh, I will do more
than give you a one star.
- [Jason] Cool, um, you can get off here.
- No, I'd like you to
take me to my destination.
- [Jason] Oh, sure.
I'll totally do that.
- Gee, thanks.
- [Jason] I'm not quite
sure why my beautiful
Hawaiian hula princess offends you.
- Yeah, worst thing in the world
is if someone takes away
your little hula tramp.
Pretty funny.
- [Jason] The real comedy is
how much you're offended by it.
- I'm getting offended because this
is something that hurts and effects me.
- [Jason] How does it effect you again?
- It's offensive.
How many times do I have to tell you,
you ignorant little twat?
- [Jason] You look thirsty.
Looks like you could use some
(dramatic orchestral music)
water.
- What do you mean, am I thirsty?
- Oh, a thirsty girl like
you should stay hydrated.
- Alright, look bitch.
Maybe your other little hula whores
would fall into your little thirst trap.
- Well, what do you want me to day?
- You think that all women are just toys.
- [Jason] I didn't say that.
- That's what you're saying
by failing to take that stupid doll down.
That we're all just toys
for boys to play with.
- [Jason] Exactly.
- Wow.
I care way too much for you to
have such an obnoxious doll.
- [Jason] That's sad, actually.
- It's not sad, it's important.
- [Jason] It's pathetic.
- It's not pathetic.
Can I have your name, please?
- [Jason] The name is in the app.
- No, smart ass, your full name.
- [Jason] Jason.
- Jason, what?
- [Jason] Palmer.
- Thank you.
- [Jason] You're the worst
passenger I've ever had on Hitch.
- Huh, I feel special.
- [Jason] It's pathetic that
you're taking offense to a doll.
- Women
are not dolls.
- [Jason] Women are not dolls.
This
is a doll.
- That is a disrespectful object
that you have in your car,
and you
as a
fat,
white,
privileged male
should know better that some people
might find that offensive.
- [Jason] You want me
to pull it off the dash?
- No.
- It's Super Glued.
- I'm just saying, you could just maybe
set it down for like a second.
You should know that not all passengers
are going to find that amusing,
and you're gonna experience
this again, by the way, and again.
- [Jason] Okay.
- So,
I hope
that like from this lesson.
- [Jason] What was the lesson again?
That you're a bitch?
Oh,
cool lesson.
- I'm not a bitch.
- [Jason] You're not pleasant now are you?
- Ah-ho, so now I haven't
been pleasant enough
to the little fat man who's driving me.
- [Jason] I've been nothing
but pleasant to you.
- Bee-tee-dubs, I've been
recording this the entire time.
I'm super excited.
- [Jason] Oh,
dope.
- You're gonna be on the World Wide Web.
- [Jason] Cool, I always wanted
to be an internet sensation.
- It'll be hilar.
- [Jason] I'm ending this ride now.
You can call another Hitch if you want to.
- No, you can take me
all the way to my house.
- [Jason] I'm, I'm ending the ride now.
Here's the sidewalk.
Have a wonderful night.
- Thank you.
I'm super excited.
Can I have your name again, please?
- [Jason] No.
- I want your name.
Give me your name again.
- [Jason] Look, please exit my vehicle.
- Fine, then I'll just stay here.
- [Jason] Please, get out of my vehicle.
- No, I won't.
Why don't you just call the police?
Why don't you just call 911
about how I won't get out of your car?
- [Jason] This is my vehicle,
and I am telling you to get out.
- Fine.
Here's what I'll do instead then.
(ominous orchestral music)
(car revving)
(tires screeching)
(car bashing body)
(Anna screaming)
(body thuds on pavement)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Anna gasping)
- Don't come any closer to me, freak.
R, rape,
rape, no, no, no.
(Anna gasping)
(Anna coughing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Anna gasping)
- Aloha, bitch.
(water trickling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Woman] Oh, my God,
(laughing) I'm so lit.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, God,
me too.
- [Jason] Here we are.
- Already?
C'mon, baby, let me go
show you my yacht, mmm.
Here you go, man.
- [Jason] You, you, you
really don't have to.
- Huh,
it's good.
Just take it.
Look, just, can you come back again?
- [Jason] What happened to the first girl?
- I dumped her.
- [Jason] Oh, so she was your girlfriend?
- I don't mean to be rude, alright,
but I'm not paying you to ask questions.
Just come back in about two hours.
- [Jason] I don't know.
- [Troy] Just once more.
- [Jason] I'm not sure about this.
- This time I'll really
make it worth your while.
- [Jason] If you say so.
- Alright, my man, two hours.
- [Anchor Michael
Buckley] Who wore it best,
Amy Toomer or Cassie the Lassie,
find out next on the fall
fashion fail of the week.
- [Spokesman] Ah, Los
Angeles, city of dreams.
The beaches,
the glam,
the celebrities,
the traffic.
Getting around this town
can sure be a hassle.
We're here to help.
Our experienced drivers and
our hybrid electric fleet
will--
- Breaking news.
Social media celebrity, Spankie Valentine
never showed up to her concert tonight
and is apparently missing.
The social media icon was last
seen on Snap in her Hitch,
in what appears to be
on the way to her show.
These two photos are the
last we heard from her.
The first one says my hitch
driver is making me late.
The next one says his name is Jason,
give him one star, thumbs down emoji.
This guy Jason looks like
a creep, if you ask me.
If you see or have any
information on this driver.
(Max sighing)
- [Ed] Ah, move over, dude.
- Duh, Josh, what are you doin'?
- [Josh] Oops, sorry.
- [Max] Just sit in the front, dude.
- [Ed] Yeah, go in the
front, you big dick.
- [Josh] Too late, sandwich party.
- [Max] Oh, not again.
- [Ed] Oh, man.
- Hey, you look like that guy on the news.
- What guy on the news?
- Yeah, what guy on the news?
- You know, the Hitch Killer?
- Oh, that guy.
- [Josh] Oh, that guy.
- [Jason] I beg your pardon?
- Dude, have you been living under a rock?
It's been all over the news.
There's like this Hitch Driver Killer
or Hitch Killer Driver, whatever.
They sent like a sigalert out.
Didn't you get one?
- [Jason] Oh, is there now?
- Yeah, and it's funny, you
kinda match the description.
- [Jason] Oh, well that's mumbo jumbo.
- We're just messin' with ya, man.
Hey, look it up.
Look it up.
- Dude, he's the killer.
He's totally the killer.
- [Ed] Dude, I think he
actually is the killer.
- I know, dude, that's
what I just told him.
Okay, okay, what was the killer's name?
Do you remember him, do you remember?
- Ah, it was Jason.
- And what did it say on the app?
- The app said Justin.
- Did it say Jason?
- No?
- Are you sure?
- No.
- Well, check the app, dude.
- Okay, jeez.
- Yeah, c'mon.
- Give me a second.
- C'mon, hurry up.
- [Josh] I'm on like one percent.
- One percent, you're one percent battery?
- It's ah,
it's dead.
- [Ed] Oh, what'd we do?
- Nothing, we do nothing.
We act
calm,
and we be
cool.
- Calm and cool, yeah, I can do.
Oh, I can't do this, I'm way too hammered.
- [Jason] Too hammered for what exactly?
- Not, not, even to hammer, what, nothing.
- How sure are you his
name was Justin on the app?
- Pretty sure.
- Pretty sure?
That's not gonna cut it.
Why don't we ask him his name?
That's a novel idea.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- That's what I said, let's do it.
- Thump twice?
- Why don't you do it?
- Okay, so ask him his name.
- You, you ask him.
- You ordered the Hitch, not me.
- I think Ed should ask.
- Yo, Hitchman, what's your name, bro?
- [Jason] Does it not say in your app?
- Yeah, but this guy's an
idiot and his phone died.
- Huh, yeah, I'm an idiot.
My phone died.
- Yeah, dumb ass.
- Just, you know, curious.
- [Jason] It's okay.
My name is Justin.
- I can't tell if you're messing with us.
Is he messing with us?
- I can't tell.
- [Jason] Why would I be messing with you?
- Because you're a psycho killer,
dude.
- Ed.
- I mean, just kidding.
(chuckling nervously)
Dude, he's definitely the killer.
- 100%.
- What do we do?
- Nothing.
We do nothing.
- Yeah, what if he kills us, man?
- He's one dude.
We're three dudes.
We could totally take him.
- Hey, can you turn the radio on?
- [Jason] Sure.
(upbeat rock music)
- Yeah, just a little louder.
Just, turn it up, turn it up.
- [Jason] That's as loud as it goes.
- What if he has a gun?
- He doesn't have a gun.
- Yeah, but he might have a gun.
- Why would he have a gun?
- Because killers have guns.
- [Josh] He doesn't have a gun.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- Well, I think we should
check, he might have one.
- Don't think, no, nobody's,
- He might have one hid.
got, nobody,
nobody's got a gun.
- Boys, I don't have a gun.
My name is Justin.
I'm not the killer.
As you said for yourself,
the killer's name is Jason.
You have nothing to worry about.
- I thought you said you didn't
know anything about it?
- Okay, yeah, it's cool.
You know what, I'm sorry, man,
we're just a little tipsy.
Our bad.
- [Jason] No worries.
We're only five minutes away.
Here,
have some waters.
- Thanks.
- Dude, du, du, du, du,
dude, don't drink that.
Don't drink that.
- What, I'm thirsty?
- No, dude, what if it's
rape water?
- Rape water?
- Uh, uh-hum, yeah,
yeah, yeah, rape water.
It's water people give
you so they can rape you.
- Dude, I'm takin' my chances.
(Ed sighing)
- Dude, if you end up in a
gutter with a sore butt hole,
that is one you.
Ah, hey, listen man, ah,
it looks like actually,
this is great, you can
just drop us off here,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, just right
up the street, right here.
- Strange, the app says
we're five minutes away.
- No, you know, that's wrong.
Maps are stupid, this is the bar.
- Uh-huh.
- This, this isn't the bar.
Ow, what did you do that for?
- You can just pull over here.
Thank you.
- [Jason] Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great.
This is great.
- Oh,
okay.
Have a great night.
- Great, thanks, man.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Get out of the car,
get out of the car.
- Alright, alright.
- [Ed] So, yeah, that was
definitely the killer.
- No, shit, Sherlock.
(Ed chuckling)
- Wait, do you guys really think it was?
- Yes.
- But he said his name was Justin.
The app said his name was Justin.
I'm pretty sure--
- He said his name was Justin.
so his name must be Justin?
I say my name is Josh,
and I'm a huge dip shit.
- Yeah, but you're not Josh.
I'm Josh.
- Do you really think
he's gonna roll up to us
and be like, hey guys, my name's Jason,
the serial killer Hitch driver?
I'm a murderer.
Welcome to your nightmare.
- Oh, that's a good point, yeah.
- [Ed] So, let's just get to a bar,
find you a charger, turn your phone on,
and then we can report
this son of a bitch.
- Wait, give, give me a sec.
(Josh heaving)
(vomit splashing)
- Uh,
Jesus Christ.
- Jesus.
(Josh heaving)
(vomit splashing)
- Did you hear about what's going on?
- [Jason] Yes.
Crazy.
- Yeah, man, I feel sorry for whoever
has to get in that Hitch driver's car.
- [Jason] Likewise.
- I mean, I, I, I, honestly,
I wasn't even gonna get one with all
the hubbub and shit goin' on.
- [Jason] But you decided to anyway?
- Yeah, man, I mean, I'm starving.
I don't have anymore food at home,
and I haven't eaten all day, so.
- [Jason] So you decided
to go grocery shopping
at one in the morning?
- Hey, man, I mean, when you gotta eat,
you gotta eat and, and plus,
I mean, if I was to ride
with that Hitch driver,
he wouldn't be able to fool me
like he does everybody else.
- [Jason] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, man, I mean, apparently
he's giving people drugged up waters.
- [Jason] Really?
- Mm-hmm, so rule number one,
don't drink the damn water
the Hitch driver gives you.
- [Jason] That sounds
like a great strategy.
- It's simple.
- [Jason] Would you like a
(dramatic orchestral music)
Gummi Bear?
- Mm, I love Gummi Bears, thank you.
But anyway, if I were to get killed,
I aint goin' out like no bitch.
I'm goin' down like a badass.
- [Jason] How does one
go out like a badass?
- I don't know, like,
what if he sets me on fire
and throws me off a cliff?
- [Jason] And you don't
feel like that's overkill?
(ominous orchestral music)
- Uh-oh, we got some heat on our tail.
- [Jason] I see that.
- Hope he don't pull us over.
- [Jason] Now, why would they do that?
- You never know nowadays, man.
(ominous orchestral music)
It's not lookin' good for you, man.
- [Jason] Look, will you shut up?
- Oh, oh, man, just,
just chill.
(ominous orchestral music)
(police siren blaring)
(knocking on window)
- Yes, sir, is there a problem, officer?
- No problem, license
and registration, please?
- Did I break a law?
- Can you cooperate please?
- I'm not not cooperating, sir.
- What's his deal?
- No deal, he, um,
he just had a, a long night.
- You have a long night, too?
- No, sir, I, I, in fact, I'll probably
go a few more hours, actually.
- Look, we can do this the easy way
or the hard way, your choice.
- Officer of the law,
is, is that a threat?
- License and registration, please?
- [Jason] Okay, okay.
- Registration?
- Hold on a sec.
- You ever been convicted of a felony?
- No.
- You ever been arrested?
Answer me, you ever been arrested?
- Yes, once.
- [Officer Paul] What for?
- Trespassing.
- Why were you trespassing?
- We were ghost hunting.
- Ghost hunting?
- I was 17.
- How old are you now?
- Doesn't it say on my identification?
- Now don't get smart with me, buddy.
- I'm not, I'm not.
I'm 42, sir.
- You don't look 42.
- Thank you.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- Look, sir, I really
need to get him home.
- [Officer Paul] On a
hunch, it doesn't look
like he's in a rush.
- Regardless, I'm on the clock.
- Don't you get more money,
ah, for a longer ride?
- I do, but if I take too
long it can effect my score.
- What's your score now?
- 4.91.
- Hmm.
Why not five?
- Because five is unattainable.
Look sir, no offense,
but don't you have anything better to do?
- As a matter of fact, I don't.
Look, if you must know,
you fit the description of
somebody we've been looking for.
- What,
a fat guy in a car?
- It has nothing to do with your weight.
- No, I get it, I understand now.
You're looking for a fat guy,
and you see me driving
around in this vehicle,
so automatically
you assume that--
- Look, if you gotta know,
your car fits the description
of what we're looking for.
- Oh, my car, so since
I'm the only fat person
who's driving a Prius around Los Angeles
at one in the morning,
you're automatically gonna
pull me over, even though--
- I don't have to be
the nice guy, here.
- [Jason] Do you call this
being the nice guy, sir?
- Yeah, I call this being nice.
- Look, are you gonna
give me a ticket or not?
(Officer Paul sighing)
- Get outta here.
Have a nice night.
- Thank you, sir.
(knocking on window)
- I'd like to mention that, ah,
you shouldn't be driving this thing
around here at this hour.
A lot of weirdos.
- Yes, sir, I won't sir.
- And clean out that glove
compartment of yours.
It's a mess.
- Yes, sir.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Oh, what's goin' on, man?
- [Jason] You, you fell asleep.
- Ah, man, I feel weird.
- [Jason] Well you said you
hadn't eaten in a while.
- Yeah, man, but, I mean, not only that,
like, shh,
mm.
- [Jason] Uh-oh, we're
almost to your destination.
- How long was I out for?
- [Jason] Long enough.
- What happened to that cop?
- [Jason] What cop?
- I mean, the one that was following us?
- [Jason] Oh, ah, he went the other way.
- Okay, I see.
- [Jason] And here we are.
- Ah.
- Have a good night.
- Ah, you too.
Ah, hold on, ah, would you
mind just waiting on me?
Like 10 or 15 minutes?
- [Jason] Unfortunately,
I don't get paid to wait.
- Well, look, I got a $20 dollar bill
with your name on it,
if you could just wait for me?
- [Jason] Fine.
- You the man.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] Friday night.
TGIF.
I can't think of a more pathetic excuse
of an existence than to live
every week for the Friday.
Hopeless men and women, young and old,
are out looking to score.
Or worse, find their significant other.
Getting drunk, stoned,
loaded, lit.
Looking to take part of a fiesta of flesh.
Irreparable consequences
that could last a lifetime.
Or at least 18 years.
Or at least $300 dollars of which
you have to borrow from your aunt,
who made the same mistake 20 years ago.
(ominous orchestral music)
This is the definition of our generation.
To go out and get shit faced,
and come back and do it
again week after week.
Doing whatever it takes to avoid
the mundane and arduous
stresses of everyday life.
We are not taught to handle our shit.
We are taught to blame,
and then beg, borrow,
steal
just to further our careers
for a bump in our salaries,
but I digress.
I'm no saint.
I'm a slave to the wheel.
Chauffeuring around
these grown adolescents.
(rain pattering)
(ominous orchestral music)
But this is what separates
myself from the rest.
I do this because I choose to do this.
Not because another has
told me where to work,
when to work,
and how much money to make.
I am doing this out of the
sheer generosity of my being.
I am giving them the opportunity
to end their suffering much sooner,
than drawing out their existences
as peons for decades.
Spawning more drones.
- [Employee] Hello, can I interest you
in trying the New Double
Tasty Jalapeno Burger today?
- Um, no, thank you.
I'd like a double
cheeseburger and a large cola.
Please,
and thank you.
- [Employee] And can I interest you
in trying the New Double Tasty
Jalapeno Burger today, sir?
- Still no.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
- [Employee] Okay, $3.69
at the next window.
- Thank you.
(ominous orchestral music)
Really?
Jesus Christ.
- Hey?
Hey?
(knocking on glass)
Hey?
Hey?
- What?
What do you want?
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Do you got a quarter?
- What?
- Quarter?
- You want a quarter?
- Quarter.
- Hold on.
- [Hobo] Oh, yeah.
- I have a dollar.
Will a dollar work?
- Damn.
Dolla's mighty fine.
(hobo sniffing bill)
Oh.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey? Hey?
(tapping on glass)
You're a good man.
- Well,
you don't know me.
But thanks.
(tapping on glass)
- Hey?
This eye,
don't lie.
- Okay, God bless.
(fingers squeaking on glass)
- [Mike] Yo, what's up man,
how you doin, bro?
- Yo, good to see you, man.
- Good to see you too, man.
- How you been?
- What you up to?
- I'm just getting some
groceries and what not.
- Oh, yeah, I'm about to
head in there real quick,
but, hey, you been hearing
what's been going on lately?
- Bro, yes, craziness.
- Oh, that's just so crazy,
I'm only driving my own
damn car from now on.
- That's right sane.
- Duh, I don't have the time,
Okay?
- Right, exactly.
- I would never like.
- Uh-Uh. (laughing)
- [Mike] Wait.
Really?
- Damn, yeah, just a...
- You called a Hitch at this hour?
- Sorry, I mean, shit, I
was, I was hungry. (laughing)
- God, you know you could
have asked me for a ride.
- I know, man, I mean,
it's right up the street though.
It's fine.
- Listen, Bro, literally,
I'll be ten minutes.
I'll be in and out,
and I can drive you home.
- Bro, honestly, I don't even
think I can wait that long.
- [Mike] Ten minutes?
- Ah, I am starving.
- [Mike] Oh, my.
- [Tremain] It's fine man, he's chill.
It's whatever.
- You're seriously about
to get in that Prius?
- Yeah, what?
- You know the killer drives a Prius.
- [Tremain] Okay, yeah, and literally
every other Hitch driver in
the greater Los Angeles area.
- [Jason] Is everything okay?
- [Tremain] Ah, yeah,
it's, everything's good.
I'm sorry, I'll be
right there in a second.
- You serious?
- What?
- He looks
like a killer.
- Shh,
uh.
- Just give me five minutes.
I'll be in and out.
- Just chill, bro.
- You don't to have to wait.
- Like five minutes.
- Just, just, chill, man.
Look, I appreciate you, look,
check it out, check it out.
I'll hit you when I get to the house.
How 'bout that?
- Man, alright, I just don't wanna wake up
and see you on the news.
- You won't bro, I promise.
- You know, as dead.
- Alright, man.
- Alright, man.
- Appreciate you, man.
- Alright, man.
- Take it easy, man.
- Later.
- [Jason] Is everything okay?
- Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
It's just my friend
being worried as always.
- [Jason] Did you get all
the groceries you needed?
- Oh, my gosh, yes.
I cannot wait to get
home and cook this stuff.
- [Jason] Well, if you're hungry now,
there's still some Gummi Bears for you.
- [Tremain] Hell, yes.
Thank you.
(jarring orchestral music)
- Tremain,
you really need to listen
to your friends more.
(gas trickling)
Don't blame me.
This was your idea.
(lighter clicking)
(Jason laughing)
(fire roaring)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic percussion music)
- [Jason] What the hell?
- [Bouncer] Get back, get back here.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Keep on going.
- [Man] I think I got it.
- Oh, man, I just had to get outta there.
- [Jason] Well, what, what
the hell just happened?
- Ran into one of mix ex's, and, hah,
woo, she was not happy.
(Troy chuckling)
- Hmm.
- Look, thanks for giving
me a ride though, man.
Sorry for putting you through this.
- [Jason] I sort of
feel like an accomplice.
- No, nah, nothing like that.
- [Jason] So you saw an ex,
and the bouncers chased you out the door?
- Well, I mean, she lied to them.
Told them I was harassing her.
- [Jason] Were you?
- No, of course not.
I mean, she's just a bitch, skank, whore.
- [Jason] Here we are.
- Ah, thanks, man.
So you gonna come up for a drink?
- [Jason] You know, I'd rather not.
- Alright, c'mon.
I mean, you owe it to yourself.
Look, you work hard all day.
- [Jason] I should be going home.
- This is my last night in LA.
- [Jason] True.
However.
- [Troy] Before I forget,
here.
- [Jason] This is an
insane amount of money.
- Look, I have more money
than I know what to do with.
Just one drink.
- [Jason] I do owe it to myself.
- Yes, you do.
You deserve it.
You earned it.
Now didn't you?
C'mon?
You know you want to.
You know you want to.
- Oh, okay.
(Troy laughing)
Sure, why not?
- Awesome.
My brother, let's drink. (chuckling)
C'mon, my yacht's right this way.
Special drink for you.
It's my family recipe.
You're gonna like it.
Promise.
(ominous orchestral music)
We're here.
- [Jason Voiceover] This
definitely belongs to his father.
- [Troy] Welcome aboard.
- Wow.
- I know.
(chuckling) Thank you.
Oh, man, what is your
drink of choice, my friend?
What is your poison?
- Oh,
liquor is
liquor.
- You don't believe that, do you?
No.
Let me help.
I need you to taste this,
and then tell me again
that liquor is
liquor.
Swish that around for a minute.
Ah.
- That's exquisite.
- That is is.
That it is.
I'm gonna make us a drink.
Something special.
It's my family recipe called the Legend.
- Sounds, ah,
legendary.
- (chuckling) That it is my friend.
That it is.
I'll tell you what, you
go check out the view.
- Great, around here?
- Yeah.
- Up here?
- It's up there.
(ominous orchestral music)
(liquor trickling)
(ice clinking)
(ominous orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
(ice clinking)
- Hey, J-man?
Drinks are ready.
- Wow.
This really is quite a boat.
- Ah, I know.
I know.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, they just, they
leave 'em here, you know?
- Hmm.
- I'll tell you what,
nah, you want it.
Take it.
It's yours.
- Smells like a good year.
- 2001.
That's your drink, right there.
Hmm, you know what,
I'm actually just
learning Spanish, so, uh,
let me give it a go, I have
I have this cheer that I just learned.
Aribba,
abajo,
al centro,
al dentro.
And we drink.
- Salud.
- Salud.
Ah.
- Gracias.
- [Troy] Mm.
- Mm.
Oh, this is incredible.
- Legendary.
- Legends.
(Troy chuckling)
- Legendary it is, my friend.
(ominous orchestral music)
Just a splash, that's all you need.
- Alright.
- Chill it down
just a bit.
To
new friends.
- To
nuevos
amigos.
- (chuckling) Alright.
(Jason chuckling)
- Bottoms up.
(glasses clinking)
- Oy, bottoms up.
Ah.
- Ah.
- The perfection, every time.
- Yes.
(Troy chuckling nervously)
Hmm.
(ominous orchestral music)
How are you feeling?
Dizzy?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(fist thudding into stomach)
(glass shattering)
- Oh.
- You little shit.
You thought you were better than me?
You thought you knew
how to take me out?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Troy gasping)
Don't you
try
(Troy gasping)
to be the boss?
(Troy gasping)
I'm the new captain of this ship.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Troy gasping)
Adios,
amigo.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Bouncer] Every night
he's with a new chick.
Never seen him with the same chick twice.
- Any idea where he lives?
- One of those yachts over there.
He claims it's the largest one.
- Copy that.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] They're onto me.
(hand thudding on dashboard)
(ominous orchestral music)
(gun hammer clicks)
- Do you want me to lift it up?
- Let's take a look at it.
- Jesus Christ.
I'll call it in.
- It was only a matter
(hand thudding on dashboard)
of time.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(knocking on glass)
- Yes, officer?
- This time I have a reason.
- [Jason] Eh, just let me
get something real quick.
(pepper spray hissing)
(Officer Paul screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- I didn't know you had tattoos.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
(woman gasping)
(dramatic orchestral music)
No.
(woman gasping)
(woman gasping)
(woman yelping)
(ominous orchestral music)
(police siren blaring)
- Come out, with your hands up.
Come out with your hands up.
Get your hands up.
- What's goin' on?
- Hands up.
Right there, hands up.
- Higher.
- Don't take another step.
- They're, they're up, what's goin' on?
- [Police Officer] Get on the ground.
On the ground.
- Down on the ground, god damn it.
- [Police Officer] Handcuff him.
- [Jason] What's going on?
- [Police Officer] Shut the fuck up.
Get up.
(police radio chattering)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Off--
- [Police Officer] Head down.
Get in there.
- The other off--
(door slamming shut.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Do you have any brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Yes.
- [Trace] Which one, brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Both.
I have a brother who's a,
a little bit older than me.
(ominous orchestral music)
(Justin laughing)
(Justin laughing)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(swirling electronic music)
- [Narrator] Hayhoe Studios.
(atmospheric acoustic music)
Have no fear
When you call my line
I'll be there right on time
We'll go places
You don't wanna go
With a driver you'll never know
So open the door
And come inside
Just sit back there's
no need to be shy
Ride share
Ride share
Just let me be your guide
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
There's no turning back
Once you get in my car
But don't you worry
We don't have to go far
Out in the woods
Where no one can see
And you'll be all
Alone with me
So open the door
And come inside
Just sit back
There's no need to be shy
Ride share
Ride share
Just let me be your guide
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
A ride share
(atmospheric pop music)
Late night, I'm drinking
Shouldn't drive
Pull up the ride share
So I'll be sure to arrive alive
This guy seems creepy
Something 'bout his eyes
But I'm drunk
What do I know
I'm sure it's fine
Hitch me up on a ride share
Closest driver, the best care
Hitch me up on a ride share
The closet driver, the best care
Hitch me up on a ride share
May I get there
(gum snapping)
- So, is this your main gig?
Or just your side hustle?
Hmm, the silent type, eh?
That's how I like my men anyway.
Wanna be my boyfriend?
(tires screeching)
Uh.
Ah.
- Oopsy.
- Jeez.
- [Jason] Boy,
you look thirsty.
Here,
have some water.
- I'm good, thanks.
- [Jason] I insist.
So what are your plans for the night?
Anything
special?
- Um, you know, just the uje.
How 'bout you?
- [Jason] A little bit of this,
and a little bit of that.
- Total.
(phone beeping)
(ominous orchestral music)
This taste kinda funny.
- [Jason] It should.
- What?
- [Jason] I said it should, shouldn't it?
- Um,
no.
Why?
- [Jason] It's an off-brand.
- Oh.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Oh, look at that.
Here we are.
Have a good night.
- Yeah,
you too.
(jarring orchestral music)
(door handle clacking)
- Uh, can you, please, un...
Help me, mm.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- You just have to push it.
(door clacks open)
Hard.
- Okay.
Thanks.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Wait, Alissa?
- Yeah?
- [Jason] You forgot something.
- What is--
(body thuds against ground)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] I live in Hollywood.
It's a shit hole.
People come here from all over the world
just to be disappointed.
Dreamers move here to
accomplish their dreams,
and end up accomplishing nothing.
The only honest thing about this place
is the dishonesty.
The boulevard of broken dreams.
People trying to deceive
you at every corner.
Tourist traps out the yang.
The only place where you can
see all the super heroes.
Vader, Sponge Bob, all sucking
off the teet of society.
They're the true winners.
They're they only so-called actors
that are actually working.
Schmucks give 'em five
bucks a pop for a pic.
Good for them.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(phone beeping)
- Hi, there.
Jason, correct?
- [Jason] Yes.
- [Ilana] Okay, this is our first time.
- Yeah, we're virgins. (chuckling)
Well, at this anyway.
(Liam laughing)
(Llana laughing)
I'm kiddin' around.
I'm kiddin' around.
- I had a half a glass of
vino before I got in your car.
- I had the other half.
(Ilana laughing)
We don't normally do that.
- No.
(Liam laughing)
- It was good wine.
Really good.
- [Ilana] From a box.
- Yeah.
So how do you like driving?
- Yeah, do you do the Lyft as well?
- Do you ever get any weirdos in the car?
- Oh, my God, please tell us some stories.
- [Jason] What do you mean?
- Any weirdos, you ever get any weirdos
in the car?
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Jason] All the time.
- Oh, my gosh, what happened?
- Tell me, tell me, tell me, I wanna know.
- [Jason] Normally?
- Normally or weirdly.
(Ilana and Liam laughing)
- Well.
- Tell us.
- Yeah, what'd you do?
- When that happens,
if they're
weird.
- Ah.
- Or annoying.
- Right.
I hate those people.
- I,
- Oh, my God,
Tell us, tell us.
- Tell us, tell us,
tell us, you gotta tell us.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Jason] I kill them.
(Jason laughing)
(Ilana laughing)
- Oh,
you really had me.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gosh.
- That freaked me out.
- That was good.
(Ilana laughing)
I really thought you killed people.
(Ilana laughing)
Wow.
That was good.
- That was good.
Have you done any acting?
'Cause you could be good.
- Yeah.
- Would you like
to hear a joke?
- Do I have a severe astigmatism?
Yes.
- He's 100% blind.
(Liam laughing)
- Hmm.
- I can't see a thing.
No, but seriously, I'd
love to hear a joke.
- [Jason] A man walks into a bar.
- Mm, been there.
- [Jason] He's like, wow,
there's so many beautiful
women in this bar.
So he goes up to the bar,
and there's a man sitting at the bar,
and he says to the man,
hey, buddy,
do you see all these beautiful
women here at this bar?
And the man says,
yes,
and in fact,
I can have sex
with any women in this bar.
Now the man looks at him weird and says,
hold on a minute,
what makes you think you can have sex
with any women in this bar?
And the man takes a drink
and looks at him and says,
because I'm a rapist.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You know what I could see you doing?
Hosting one of those murder mystery shows,
where you give that deadpan
the whole time.
- Yeah.
- You know?
- Oh, I, I could totally
do something like that.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I mean, my husband here
can point you in the right direction
'cause he does improv every Saturday night
at the Yuks Yard.
- Guilty, guilty.
- [Jason] The Yuks Yard?
Sounds like a real hootenanny.
- It really is.
- It is.
- You know, we have a whole troop.
- Yeah.
- Um, for instance,
this one time we had about
14 of us in the group.
- Oh, my God, so funny.
- And we started doing
Yuk you.
(tires screeching)
Oh.
- Oh.
- [Jason] Would you look at that?
We're here.
- Wow, yeah, that was fast.
Thank you.
- Mm.
- You should totally come tomorrow night.
- It's totally free.
- Yeah, it's just a two drink minimum.
- Mm-hmm, and parking is $20 dollars,
but it's from from 9 to ten,
so if you move your car then you're fine,
but hang onto your ticket if you park
in the lot across the street
because if you lose it's a
$100 dollars which is crazy.
And I made that mistake twice, so.
- [Liam] Yeah, it's $220
to get it out of impound.
- Yeah.
- Which they
will do to you.
- Yeah.
- Sounds
like a plan.
- Good, okay.
- Great.
- Alright, we'll see you tomorrow.
- Yuks Yard, 8 o'clock.
- Yes, see you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow, thank you.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
Bye, Jason. (laughing)
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
(car door clacks shut)
- [Jason] I'd rather set myself on fire.
(phone beeping)
- Headed on over to my lady's pad.
- Mm.
- Well,
gonna Netflix and chill.
(laughing) If you know what I mean?
- [Jason] Oh, I know exactly
what you mean.
- Good, good.
(chuckling) I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
We'll, ah, you know, we'll
probably just hang out,
cook some dinner, maybe
catch a flick, you know?
- [Jason] Sounds like a blast.
- [Troy] You gotta please the ladies.
Am I right?
- [Jason] Yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.
Exceedingly
so.
She doesn't deserve it.
- Doesn't deserve what?
- [Jason] What?
- You said, she doesn't deserve it.
- [Jason] Oh, I'm not
talking about anybody.
Am I?
- Hmm.
So, ah,
you married, Mr.,
Mr.,
Mr. Jason?
- [Jason] No.
Single.
- Hah, that's the way it should be.
Any kids?
- [Jason] I just said I was single, moron.
- Oh, okay.
I mean--
- [Jason] You mean, what?
- You can still have kids and be single.
- [Jason] I have two boys.
Two
little boys.
- Cool.
Cool beans.
- [Jason] How 'bout you?
- Uh, nah.
Nah, just a girlfriend.
- [Jason] Well, good for you.
- Yeah, uh-huh, or at least
she thinks she's my
girlfriend. (chuckling)
- [Jason] Go on.
- I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm a monogamous guy.
- [Jason] But?
- A red-blooded, American male.
- [Jason] Meaning?
- I mean, guys, you know,
we're not monogamous.
By our nature.
- [Jason] Hmm.
If you say so.
- Oh, yeah, right here.
Right here's perfect.
Hey, have a good night, man.
- [Jason] You too.
Have fun with your girlfriend
or whatever she is.
- Meaningless sex object?
- [Jason] If you say so.
- (laughing) No, I'm kidding, man.
I'm kidding, have a good one.
- [Jason] You have to, ah, push one it.
Hard.
- Got it.
Hey, ah, if you're not busy later,
can you
pick me up
at this address?
Say at like 10?
Can you do that?
- [Jason] Um, I don't know.
I'm not sure.
- Uh.
I'll make it worth your while.
- [Jason] Okay.
- Alright, I'll see you there.
(phone beeping)
- [Susie] Oh, my God, hi, are you Jason?
- [Jason] Yes, get in.
- Oh, hi, Jason.
Wow, that is so funny.
I have a cousin named Jason.
He doesn't look like you, though.
- [Jason] Oh, small world.
- Hey, buckle up.
- I'm okay, he looks like a safe driver.
- Fine, have it your way.
- Yeah, what are the chances, right?
Last time I saw my cousin, Jason,
we were in Fiji, weren't we, honey?
- Uh-huh.
- So we
went to Fiji and, oh, my goodness.
The water and everything,
it was so gorgeous.
We went on this excursion,
and our tour guide was
this cute little Asian man.
He had a little rice picker hat.
It was just adorable.
- [Jason Voiceover] I could car less where
you went with your cousin, Jason, bitch.
Wow,
congratulations.
Him and a few million other American men
are all named Jason.
How can this dude put up
with this mindless broad?
Look at him on his phone.
He's probably on a dating app trying
to find other women to fool
around with in his spare time.
If he has any spare time.
What a moron.
- And my mother inherited
my grandmother's ring,
and I'll tell you what,
it was not a small ring, it is huge,
and she was gonna give
it to me for my wedding,
but I told her, no, it's better
off if my sister takes it.
So my sister has it.
- [Jason Voiceover] What a great idea.
Two meaningless zoo
animals getting together
to live a fantasy dream.
What a nightmare.
How can this idiot handle being with her?
She's babbling.
- And a lotta people say that
was a really humble
thing to do on my part,
but that's just who I am as a person.
- [Jason Voiceover] I bet even if
I don't say another word,
she'll continue on
and on
and on.
- I love giving to charities
and animal rights, that's like my passion.
I think it's just so disgusting
what they do to those geese.
You know, to get their,
what do you call it?
The, the down feathers?
Ooh, that's disgusting.
Isn't it disgusting, babe?
- Yeah,
right.
- Babe, are you even listening to me?
- [Sam] I'm listening, babe.
It's disgusting.
- You're shittin' right, it's disgusting.
(tires screeching)
Ooh.
Wait a minute.
Where are we?
- I had to stop for a moment.
- Are you serious?
Can you believe this, honey?
- Who cares?
- My apologies.
I have to get something out of the trunk.
Thank you for being patient.
You both seem like two
very patient individuals.
Especially you, Susie.
- Go.
It's totally cool.
I'm very patient.
I am patient.
It's part of who I am as a person.
- Here,
you both look very thirsty.
Would you like some
(dramatic orchestral music)
water?
- Oh, thank you.
How cute.
Teeny tiny little water bottle.
This kinda reminds me of something, babe.
Doesn't it remind you of something?
- Ha-ha, very funny.
(Susie laughing)
- That is funny.
I'm so funny.
- [Sam] Yeah, I said
it, said it was funny.
- You know, I could write a comedy sitcom
and sell it to a network.
I should take one of those improv classes.
Uh, I could do standup.
I bet I would be so good at standup.
Wouldn't I be good?
- [Sam] Ah, yeah.
- You don't think I would good at standup?
- Oh, no, you'd, you'd be good.
- That's right.
I'm way funnier then that one fat bitch
from the Comedy Channel.
(ominous orchestral music)
Mm, mm, mm.
Mm-mm.
Not one sip for you, young man.
You take one sip you'll have
to pee pee time in two minutes.
- So what?
- So, we don't have any ti...
(ominous orchestral music)
Ow.
(trunk banging shut)
Ow, what the hell?
My stomach hurts.
- [Sam] Are you okay?
- [Susie] No, my stomach really hurts.
- Thank you so much,
- Ow.
- [Jason] For being patient.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- What's wrong?
Are you okay?
- Yeah, it's just my--
- Don't worry.
You'll be home soon.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Ow, ow.
- Shh.
Be quiet, we'll be home soon.
- Did you just say be quiet to me?
- Shh.
- My stomach hurts.
- [Sam] It's probably the shellfish.
- [Susie] It's not the shellfish.
- How do you know?
- You had shellfish,
your stomach doesn't hurt.
- That's cause I'm not shellfish like you.
- Not funny.
- [Sam] I'm sorry.
- Ow.
The water.
I just took a sip of water.
It's the water.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Susie,
water doesn't make your stomach hurt.
- Yes, it does.
- That doesn't make any sense, here look.
- [Susie] No, no, don't do it.
No.
(dramatic orchestral music)
No.
Ow.
- [Sam] It's fine, we're fine.
- Ow, ow, ow.
I think he drugged the water.
- You're ridiculous.
I just took a big gulp and I feel fine.
Hey, driver?
You didn't drug the water, did you?
- [Jason] Me?
- No, the other driver that's
driving us around right now.
- [Jason] Huh, you are so smart.
- [Sam] Did you or didn't you?
- [Jason] I would do nothing of the sort.
- See honey, he would
do nothing of the sort.
- And you believe him?
- Ow.
My stomach.
- [Susie] See?
- Ah, it's gotta be the shellfish.
- It's not, you're an idiot.
Oh, my God, it's the water.
- It's finally digesting.
- That's it.
I am calling the cops.
(phone beeping)
(Sam groaning)
Yes, I'd like to report an emergency.
My boyfriend and I have been
drugged by our Hitch driver.
- [Jason] I haven't done anything.
- Susie.
- Yes, we live,
uh, yes.
Um.
- Susie, you're
overreacting.
- Ooh.
- [Jason] Give me your phone.
- No, I'm not giving you my phone.
Get outta here.
- Quit being shellfish.
- It's not funny dude.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Um,
yes, he's drugged us.
Get off.
- Give me the phone.
- My boyfriend is trying
to rape me.
- Give me the phone.
- I live at 407 Highland
Hills, please. (screaming)
- Give me the phone.
(tires screeching)
- [Jason] Is she okay?
- [Sam] She'll be fine.
My stomach really does hurt, though.
- [Jason] It's probably the shellfish.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(train clanking along tracks)
(body thuds against ground)
(ominous orchestral music)
(train horn blaring)
(train clanking along tracks)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(coffee trickling)
(glove snapping)
(capsule pattering)
(capsule pattering)
(capsule pattering)
(phone beeping)
(capsules rattling)
(powdered drugs sprinkling)
(powdered drugs sprinkling)
(ketchup squirting)
(stapler clicking)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(hand banging on door)
- [Bree] Oh, wow, hi.
- Hello there.
- It's weird, I thought you were farther.
- The app does that sometimes.
- Oh,
okay.
- Here's your Hawaiian veggie burger.
- How did you know what I ordered?
- The app told me.
- Oh,
duh.
Okay, thanks, bye.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(hand thuds against door)
- Can I use your restroom real quick?
- Yeah,
no.
My place isn't really like fit for that.
- I'm sure it's not,
but it'll be real quick.
I really have to
urinate.
(Bree sighing)
Pretty please?
- Yeah,
sure.
Um, just excuse the mess.
And be quick.
- Oh, it will only take a minute.
(ventilator whirring)
- [Bree] Alright.
Come to mama.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
(ventilator whirring)
Yeah.
(cork popping)
(wine trickling)
Shit.
(Bree gulping)
(Bree gulping)
(bottles clinking)
(ominous electronic music)
(ventilator whirring)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree sighing)
(Bree mumbling)
(ventilator whirring)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(keys jangling)
(ominous orchestral music)
(key clacks into keyhole)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(door clacks open)
- Uh, aw.
(bottles clinking)
(phone beeping)
- Shit.
(Steve chuckling)
(Pippin sniffing)
(Pippin panting)
(Pippin barking)
(ominous electronic music)
(Pippin barking)
- [Jason] Shut up, shut up you mutt.
(Pippin barking)
- [Steve] Piffin?
(Piffin barking)
(Piffin crying)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Steve] Piffin?
(dramatic orchestral music)
Piffin?
Hmm.
(jarring orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Woman] Oh, hi.
I don't believe I've ever
seen you around here.
- [Jason] Excuse me, I have to get by.
- [Woman] Well, why are you so nervous?
- I have, I've got a rider,
I'm gonna be late.
- Ooh, a rider?
Really, how--
- I'm a Hitch driver.
- Oh, that explains everything.
- [Jason] Leave me alone.
- Fine.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Dude.
What the hell took you so long?
- [Jason] I apologize.
I was caught up.
- Well, you're gonna
make me late for my show.
- [Jason] Again, I, I apologize.
I'm, I'm sorry.
(Spankie sighing)
- Well, step on it.
- [Jason] Um, we will
get there safe and sound.
Without getting a ticket.
- It's okay, my followers can wait.
- [Jason] Your followers?
- Oh, you don't know?
- [Jason] Know what?
- Who I am?
- [Jason] Spankie?
- I'm Spankie frickin' Valentine.
- [Jason] Oh.
So you're a porn star?
- Wow.
- [Jason] Because that would make sense.
(Spankie sighing)
(phone camera clicks)
(phone camera clicks)
- No.
For your information, I'm a musician.
- [Jason] Oh, a musician.
That's rare.
Especially in LA.
- Oh, and it's so rare you being
a Hitch driver in LA, now isn't it?
- [Jason] (chuckling) I, I
was just kidding with you.
What type of music do you perform?
I'm intrigued.
- Oh,
well,
I,
I do pop
and rock
and
hip hop.
Pretty much any style,
I like to do it all.
- [Jason] Wow, I'm impressed.
- I know, right?
Thank you so
much.
- [Jason] You're welcome so much.
- Well, what about you?
- [Jason] What about me?
- I don't know, do you
play any instruments?
- [Jason] I, I used to, not anymore.
- Okay, so, what instrument
did you used to play?
- Well--
- Wa, wa, wa,
wa, wa, wait.
Let me guess, let me guess.
I got this.
You were totally in a
marching band, right?
- [Jason] You figured me out.
- I know, it's, it's totally normal
Kids like you do the whole
marching band scene, I get it.
- [Jason] What do you mean, kids like me?
- I, I'm not trying to be mean.
- [Jason] Oh, no, don't worry.
You won't offend me.
- Well, you know, like, nerdy.
- [Jason] Guilty as charged.
- Hey, I mean, nerds rule the world.
Really, so true.
- Yes, they do.
- Like, I was totally just talking
to my boyfriend about this.
- [Jason] Oh.
You have a boyfriend.
- Yes.
- [Jason] Oh, that's too bad.
- Is it though?
- [Jason] Means you can't have any fun.
- Oh, honey,
I have more fun than you
could possibly imagine.
- [Jason] Really, now?
- Yeah, especially,
I love
hitting on hot Hitch drivers
just
like
you.
- Whatever.
(Spankie laughing)
- Oh, come one, I almost
had you there. (laughing)
- [Jason] No, not really.
- Oh, come on, you would have wanted to.
- [Jason] Wanted to what, exactly?
- You know.
It's alright, most guys do.
- [Jason] Wow, you're so modest.
- Well, I mean, when you have
like a couple million followers
and 90% of them are guys,
it's kinda hard not to be.
- [Jason] Does your boyfriend know?
- My boyfriend totally
knows my demographic.
In fact, he encourages
flirtation and that I wear,
you know, like sexy outfits.
It means more merch sales.
- [Jason] Aren't you
worried about security?
- Nah.
That's why I got this bad boy.
- [Jason] Hmm.
Here,
have some of this.
(ominous orchestral music)
- I'm okay.
- [Jason] No, I insist.
- I'm good.
- [Jason] You should
really have some water
before your concert.
- Didn't your mama ever teach you?
- [Jason] Teach me what?
- Not to take candy from strangers?
- [Jason] This isn't candy.
- [Spankie] Same difference.
- [Jason] Whatever you want.
- That's usually how it goes.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I was only playing.
- [Jason] Hmm.
(acoustic country music)
- Oh, my gosh, I love this song.
Don't you love this song? Turn it up.
A band of angels
Comin' after me
A comin' for to carry me home
To swing low
Sweet chariot
A comin' for to carry me home
Swing low
Sweet chariot
A comin' for to carry me home
I'm sometimes up
And sometimes down
But comin' for to carry me home
But still my soul
Feels heavenly bound
A comin' for to carry me home
A swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin' for to carry me
Home
Swing low
(chains jangling)
Sweet chariot
(chains jangling)
Comin' for to carry me
Home
(chains jangling)
I'm sometimes up
And sometimes down
(waves crashing)
Comin' for to carry me
Home
But still my soul
Is heavenly bound
Comin' for to carry me
Home
Swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin for to carry me
Home
Swing low
Sweet
Chariot
Comin' for to carry me
(water bubbling)
Home
(Water bubbling)
(waves crashing)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Woman] I was worried about you.
- How?
- You weren't answering my texts.
- My apologies.
I was busy.
Taking care of things.
- Come to bed.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I have to be going.
Soon.
- Come here.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
Uh-huh.
(woman moaning)
(woman groaning)
What's gotten into you?
I like it.
(woman groaning)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(Woman sighs)
(hands whack against thighs)
(knocking on window)
- What's up, lookin' for Troy?
- [Jason] Yes.
- Yeah, alright, get in babe.
Come over here.
Give me some of that sugar, baby.
C'mon, mm,
yeah.
- [Woman] Mmm, baby.
- Mm, days, babe, we talkin' about nights.
(woman laughing)
And Dave's gonna make you
a happy girl tonight, yeah.
- [Jason] Okay, kids, here we are.
- [Troy] Alright, c'mon, let's go, baby.
C'mon, you alright.
You alright.
You alright, just wait right there.
Hey,
here you go.
- [Jason] This is a $50 dollar bill.
- I know.
I just, I need you to come back
to that bar around like, midnight.
Don't have the app on.
Alright, I'll just, I'll be waiting.
- Alright, okay.
- Hey, hey.
- Sure, sure, okay.
- I'll make it
worth your while.
- Okay.
- Promise.
Midnight.
- [Jason] Midnight.
Oh, great.
Trace?
- [Trace] Yeah.
- [Jason] Get in.
- (sighing) Thanks.
It's cold out there, man.
You keepin' it warm in here?
- [Jason] Yes, I am.
- Cool.
Damn.
- What?
- I don't know, you ever like,
look up at the stars and
think, you know, maybe we're not alone?
- Whenever I look up at the sky,
I don't see anything.
We live in LA, for chrissakes.
- No, you know what I mean,
like when you go up in the hills,
and you can get away from
all this and it's clear.
- [Jason] Oh, you're talking about aliens?
- Yeah, man.
- Oh, I think about
them all the time.
- [Trace] Really?
- [Jason] No.
- Well, NASA states that there's hundreds
of billions of galaxies in the universe,
and there's roughly the same
amount of habitable planets.
- [Jason] Uh-huh.
- Meaning, out of hundreds of billions
of planets in the known universe,
we're just one tiny spec.
- [Jason] Uh-huh.
- I mean, how can there not
be other live out there?
- [Jason] Well, you make a valid point.
What made you think of this?
- I don't know, man.
It's just been on my mind.
- [Jason] Okay.
- You have any brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Yes.
- Which one, brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Both.
- Older or younger?
- [Jason] I have a brother who's
a, a little bit older than me,
and I have a sister who's younger.
- Cool.
You guys get along?
- [Jason] Well, sort of.
- Sort of?
- [Jason] Well, I mean,
we don't not get along.
- I see.
- [Jason] I mean, we all
sort of live our own lives.
- I know what you mean.
- [Jason] Oh?
- Yeah, we're just all so busy.
- [Jason] Exactly.
- How 'bout kids, man?
You got any kids?
- [Jason] I have two boys.
Two
little boys.
- Nice,
nice.
- [Jason] What makes you ask?
- I don't know, I'm just curious, I guess.
Question.
- [Jason] Ah, here it comes.
- Do you believe in God?
- [Jason] Wow, that's a
really personal question.
- Sorry, man, I'm not meaning
to be personal or anything.
I believe in God or a God.
- [Jason] Good for you.
- [Trace] Do you not believe?
I mean, it's cool if you don't.
I have, you know, friends
that are atheists.
I was an atheist for awhile.
- [Jason] I believe in the idea of a god,
but I don't believe there's some guy
with a white beard
sittin' up in the clouds
and sendin' people to
Hell for stupid reasons.
- Stupid reasons like what?
- [Jason] Oh, you know,
like, jerkin' you gherkin'.
- Huh,
yeah, huh.
I don't know man, Heaven and Hell
are a whole other topic for me.
- [Jason] Now listen,
let's stick to aliens.
- Sure.
- [Jason] I mean, if there any aliens
then I, I hope they're
vastly superior to humans.
It shouldn't be that hard.
- I don't know, we are like
the most intelligent beings
in the known universe.
- [Jason] That's a scary thought.
- I guess, but think about
all that man has accomplished.
I mean, goin' to space, building
the Great Wall of China,
Pyramids in Egypt.
- [Jason] Slave labor.
It's great.
- Yeah, but think about
how far we've come,
and how far we'll go.
The possibilities are endless.
- [Jason] I really feel
like we're moving backwards
rather than forwards.
- [Trace] Really?
- [Jason] Yeah, I mean, take
cellphones for instance.
Everybody's glued to these cellphones.
I pick up a passenger,
the ride's 20 minutes long,
they're glued to their phone
the entire length of the ride.
I remember a time when people used
to communicate with each other.
When people used to
engage with one another.
I remember a time when your neighbors
would leave their doors open,
and you could come over
at anytime you wanted to.
- Yeah, man, but look at all the stuff
you can do on cellphones
that we couldn't do before.
Like order a pizza by
just tapping a few times.
I mean, it's like magic.
- [Jason] We've been able
to do that for decades.
It's called picking up a
phone and placing an order.
- Like, dude, I don't know.
Did something like happen
to you when you were younger
that just made you give up and lose hope?
- [Jason] I haven't lost all hope.
- [Trace] Well, it doesn't sound like it.
- [Jason] I'm just observing.
I mean, take that guy for an example.
Oh, he's texting while driving.
If that isn't a manslaughter
case waiting to happen,
I, I don't know what is.
People are so tuned out,
they have no idea of their surroundings.
The majority of them are morons.
- Hmm, see that's why once in a while
I get away from it all.
- [Jason] Oh, really?
- I unplug.
I go out into the wilderness.
- [Jason] A guy like you
out in the wilderness?
- Yeah.
- [Jason] I can't even picture
a guy like me out in the wilderness.
- (chuckling) See, what
are you complaining about?
- [Jason] I'm not complaining.
I'm observing.
- Well, believe it or not,
camping can lead to some
very valuable insights.
- [Jason] More people should be like you.
You're quite the model citizen.
- You know, I think they are.
They just kinda put up this front
for other people to make them think
they live a certain way
and they're so happy.
Especially out here in LA.
- [Jason] Now that's deep.
- Look, when people see me,
they get a whole different idea about me.
- [Jason] I can't imagine.
- They see this gothic, emo, pussy boy.
- [Jason] Well, I, I mean,
when you walked to the door,
you looked like Bela Lugosi
on his way to a Transylvania party.
You don't really scream out,
hey, come here and give me a hug.
- (chuckling) Touche.
But you know, when people get to know me,
they see that I'm actually just like them.
- [Jason] But you're not like them.
- [Trace] I'm not?
- [Jason] You don't look like them.
You don't act like them.
Most people are judgemental.
- Well, yeah, I'm judgemental too,
but I don't know, you know what I mean.
- [Jason] Yeah, but--
- Just, what I'm saying is
just because I look like this
doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy.
- [Jason] It just means
you're misunderstood.
- I mean, I wouldn't even go that far.
Hey, I'm up here to the right.
- [Jason] Oh.
Well,
thank you for taking the time
to have a meaningful conversation with me.
- No problem, man.
Ah, hey, if you ever need
anything, um, here's my card.
- [Jason] Okay.
- Well, off to work, hmm.
- [Jason] You work here?
- Yeah.
Got the graveyard shift.
Drive safe.
- [Jason] I'll try.
(phone beeping)
- [Anna] Are you Jason?
- [Jason] I should be.
- Thanks.
Adorbs little hula girl, isn't she?
- [Jason] Thank you.
- I was being sarcastic.
- [Jason] Oh.
- You just thought that
was adorable, didn't you?
Like you didn't even think about like,
the raping and pillaging of
like the continent of Hawaii?
- [Jason] Hmm.
I didn't realize Hawaii was a continent.
- Oh, you didn't?
- [Jason] No.
- Will you throw it away?
- [Jason] No.
- Where did you even find such an item?
- [Jason] At Goodwill.
It was a good find.
- So, you're not gonna
take it down because
like it was a really
good find at Goodwill?
- [Jason] I didn't think
it would offend anyone.
- Well, you as a white,
privileged male should know that
that is very offensive to some people.
- [Jason] So now you're judging me?
- I'm not judging you.
I don't judge,
but you're obviously ignorant
because you didn't even know
about the raping and pillaging of Hawaii.
- [Jason] What do you want me to say?
- I don't want you to say anything.
I just want you to take down
your little sexualized hula girl.
- [Jason] Not gonna happen.
You can give me one star if you want.
- Huh, I will do more
than give you a one star.
- [Jason] Cool, um, you can get off here.
- No, I'd like you to
take me to my destination.
- [Jason] Oh, sure.
I'll totally do that.
- Gee, thanks.
- [Jason] I'm not quite
sure why my beautiful
Hawaiian hula princess offends you.
- Yeah, worst thing in the world
is if someone takes away
your little hula tramp.
Pretty funny.
- [Jason] The real comedy is
how much you're offended by it.
- I'm getting offended because this
is something that hurts and effects me.
- [Jason] How does it effect you again?
- It's offensive.
How many times do I have to tell you,
you ignorant little twat?
- [Jason] You look thirsty.
Looks like you could use some
(dramatic orchestral music)
water.
- What do you mean, am I thirsty?
- Oh, a thirsty girl like
you should stay hydrated.
- Alright, look bitch.
Maybe your other little hula whores
would fall into your little thirst trap.
- Well, what do you want me to day?
- You think that all women are just toys.
- [Jason] I didn't say that.
- That's what you're saying
by failing to take that stupid doll down.
That we're all just toys
for boys to play with.
- [Jason] Exactly.
- Wow.
I care way too much for you to
have such an obnoxious doll.
- [Jason] That's sad, actually.
- It's not sad, it's important.
- [Jason] It's pathetic.
- It's not pathetic.
Can I have your name, please?
- [Jason] The name is in the app.
- No, smart ass, your full name.
- [Jason] Jason.
- Jason, what?
- [Jason] Palmer.
- Thank you.
- [Jason] You're the worst
passenger I've ever had on Hitch.
- Huh, I feel special.
- [Jason] It's pathetic that
you're taking offense to a doll.
- Women
are not dolls.
- [Jason] Women are not dolls.
This
is a doll.
- That is a disrespectful object
that you have in your car,
and you
as a
fat,
white,
privileged male
should know better that some people
might find that offensive.
- [Jason] You want me
to pull it off the dash?
- No.
- It's Super Glued.
- I'm just saying, you could just maybe
set it down for like a second.
You should know that not all passengers
are going to find that amusing,
and you're gonna experience
this again, by the way, and again.
- [Jason] Okay.
- So,
I hope
that like from this lesson.
- [Jason] What was the lesson again?
That you're a bitch?
Oh,
cool lesson.
- I'm not a bitch.
- [Jason] You're not pleasant now are you?
- Ah-ho, so now I haven't
been pleasant enough
to the little fat man who's driving me.
- [Jason] I've been nothing
but pleasant to you.
- Bee-tee-dubs, I've been
recording this the entire time.
I'm super excited.
- [Jason] Oh,
dope.
- You're gonna be on the World Wide Web.
- [Jason] Cool, I always wanted
to be an internet sensation.
- It'll be hilar.
- [Jason] I'm ending this ride now.
You can call another Hitch if you want to.
- No, you can take me
all the way to my house.
- [Jason] I'm, I'm ending the ride now.
Here's the sidewalk.
Have a wonderful night.
- Thank you.
I'm super excited.
Can I have your name again, please?
- [Jason] No.
- I want your name.
Give me your name again.
- [Jason] Look, please exit my vehicle.
- Fine, then I'll just stay here.
- [Jason] Please, get out of my vehicle.
- No, I won't.
Why don't you just call the police?
Why don't you just call 911
about how I won't get out of your car?
- [Jason] This is my vehicle,
and I am telling you to get out.
- Fine.
Here's what I'll do instead then.
(ominous orchestral music)
(car revving)
(tires screeching)
(car bashing body)
(Anna screaming)
(body thuds on pavement)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Anna gasping)
- Don't come any closer to me, freak.
R, rape,
rape, no, no, no.
(Anna gasping)
(Anna coughing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Anna gasping)
- Aloha, bitch.
(water trickling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Woman] Oh, my God,
(laughing) I'm so lit.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, God,
me too.
- [Jason] Here we are.
- Already?
C'mon, baby, let me go
show you my yacht, mmm.
Here you go, man.
- [Jason] You, you, you
really don't have to.
- Huh,
it's good.
Just take it.
Look, just, can you come back again?
- [Jason] What happened to the first girl?
- I dumped her.
- [Jason] Oh, so she was your girlfriend?
- I don't mean to be rude, alright,
but I'm not paying you to ask questions.
Just come back in about two hours.
- [Jason] I don't know.
- [Troy] Just once more.
- [Jason] I'm not sure about this.
- This time I'll really
make it worth your while.
- [Jason] If you say so.
- Alright, my man, two hours.
- [Anchor Michael
Buckley] Who wore it best,
Amy Toomer or Cassie the Lassie,
find out next on the fall
fashion fail of the week.
- [Spokesman] Ah, Los
Angeles, city of dreams.
The beaches,
the glam,
the celebrities,
the traffic.
Getting around this town
can sure be a hassle.
We're here to help.
Our experienced drivers and
our hybrid electric fleet
will--
- Breaking news.
Social media celebrity, Spankie Valentine
never showed up to her concert tonight
and is apparently missing.
The social media icon was last
seen on Snap in her Hitch,
in what appears to be
on the way to her show.
These two photos are the
last we heard from her.
The first one says my hitch
driver is making me late.
The next one says his name is Jason,
give him one star, thumbs down emoji.
This guy Jason looks like
a creep, if you ask me.
If you see or have any
information on this driver.
(Max sighing)
- [Ed] Ah, move over, dude.
- Duh, Josh, what are you doin'?
- [Josh] Oops, sorry.
- [Max] Just sit in the front, dude.
- [Ed] Yeah, go in the
front, you big dick.
- [Josh] Too late, sandwich party.
- [Max] Oh, not again.
- [Ed] Oh, man.
- Hey, you look like that guy on the news.
- What guy on the news?
- Yeah, what guy on the news?
- You know, the Hitch Killer?
- Oh, that guy.
- [Josh] Oh, that guy.
- [Jason] I beg your pardon?
- Dude, have you been living under a rock?
It's been all over the news.
There's like this Hitch Driver Killer
or Hitch Killer Driver, whatever.
They sent like a sigalert out.
Didn't you get one?
- [Jason] Oh, is there now?
- Yeah, and it's funny, you
kinda match the description.
- [Jason] Oh, well that's mumbo jumbo.
- We're just messin' with ya, man.
Hey, look it up.
Look it up.
- Dude, he's the killer.
He's totally the killer.
- [Ed] Dude, I think he
actually is the killer.
- I know, dude, that's
what I just told him.
Okay, okay, what was the killer's name?
Do you remember him, do you remember?
- Ah, it was Jason.
- And what did it say on the app?
- The app said Justin.
- Did it say Jason?
- No?
- Are you sure?
- No.
- Well, check the app, dude.
- Okay, jeez.
- Yeah, c'mon.
- Give me a second.
- C'mon, hurry up.
- [Josh] I'm on like one percent.
- One percent, you're one percent battery?
- It's ah,
it's dead.
- [Ed] Oh, what'd we do?
- Nothing, we do nothing.
We act
calm,
and we be
cool.
- Calm and cool, yeah, I can do.
Oh, I can't do this, I'm way too hammered.
- [Jason] Too hammered for what exactly?
- Not, not, even to hammer, what, nothing.
- How sure are you his
name was Justin on the app?
- Pretty sure.
- Pretty sure?
That's not gonna cut it.
Why don't we ask him his name?
That's a novel idea.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- That's what I said, let's do it.
- Thump twice?
- Why don't you do it?
- Okay, so ask him his name.
- You, you ask him.
- You ordered the Hitch, not me.
- I think Ed should ask.
- Yo, Hitchman, what's your name, bro?
- [Jason] Does it not say in your app?
- Yeah, but this guy's an
idiot and his phone died.
- Huh, yeah, I'm an idiot.
My phone died.
- Yeah, dumb ass.
- Just, you know, curious.
- [Jason] It's okay.
My name is Justin.
- I can't tell if you're messing with us.
Is he messing with us?
- I can't tell.
- [Jason] Why would I be messing with you?
- Because you're a psycho killer,
dude.
- Ed.
- I mean, just kidding.
(chuckling nervously)
Dude, he's definitely the killer.
- 100%.
- What do we do?
- Nothing.
We do nothing.
- Yeah, what if he kills us, man?
- He's one dude.
We're three dudes.
We could totally take him.
- Hey, can you turn the radio on?
- [Jason] Sure.
(upbeat rock music)
- Yeah, just a little louder.
Just, turn it up, turn it up.
- [Jason] That's as loud as it goes.
- What if he has a gun?
- He doesn't have a gun.
- Yeah, but he might have a gun.
- Why would he have a gun?
- Because killers have guns.
- [Josh] He doesn't have a gun.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- Well, I think we should
check, he might have one.
- Don't think, no, nobody's,
- He might have one hid.
got, nobody,
nobody's got a gun.
- Boys, I don't have a gun.
My name is Justin.
I'm not the killer.
As you said for yourself,
the killer's name is Jason.
You have nothing to worry about.
- I thought you said you didn't
know anything about it?
- Okay, yeah, it's cool.
You know what, I'm sorry, man,
we're just a little tipsy.
Our bad.
- [Jason] No worries.
We're only five minutes away.
Here,
have some waters.
- Thanks.
- Dude, du, du, du, du,
dude, don't drink that.
Don't drink that.
- What, I'm thirsty?
- No, dude, what if it's
rape water?
- Rape water?
- Uh, uh-hum, yeah,
yeah, yeah, rape water.
It's water people give
you so they can rape you.
- Dude, I'm takin' my chances.
(Ed sighing)
- Dude, if you end up in a
gutter with a sore butt hole,
that is one you.
Ah, hey, listen man, ah,
it looks like actually,
this is great, you can
just drop us off here,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, just right
up the street, right here.
- Strange, the app says
we're five minutes away.
- No, you know, that's wrong.
Maps are stupid, this is the bar.
- Uh-huh.
- This, this isn't the bar.
Ow, what did you do that for?
- You can just pull over here.
Thank you.
- [Jason] Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great.
This is great.
- Oh,
okay.
Have a great night.
- Great, thanks, man.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Get out of the car,
get out of the car.
- Alright, alright.
- [Ed] So, yeah, that was
definitely the killer.
- No, shit, Sherlock.
(Ed chuckling)
- Wait, do you guys really think it was?
- Yes.
- But he said his name was Justin.
The app said his name was Justin.
I'm pretty sure--
- He said his name was Justin.
so his name must be Justin?
I say my name is Josh,
and I'm a huge dip shit.
- Yeah, but you're not Josh.
I'm Josh.
- Do you really think
he's gonna roll up to us
and be like, hey guys, my name's Jason,
the serial killer Hitch driver?
I'm a murderer.
Welcome to your nightmare.
- Oh, that's a good point, yeah.
- [Ed] So, let's just get to a bar,
find you a charger, turn your phone on,
and then we can report
this son of a bitch.
- Wait, give, give me a sec.
(Josh heaving)
(vomit splashing)
- Uh,
Jesus Christ.
- Jesus.
(Josh heaving)
(vomit splashing)
- Did you hear about what's going on?
- [Jason] Yes.
Crazy.
- Yeah, man, I feel sorry for whoever
has to get in that Hitch driver's car.
- [Jason] Likewise.
- I mean, I, I, I, honestly,
I wasn't even gonna get one with all
the hubbub and shit goin' on.
- [Jason] But you decided to anyway?
- Yeah, man, I mean, I'm starving.
I don't have anymore food at home,
and I haven't eaten all day, so.
- [Jason] So you decided
to go grocery shopping
at one in the morning?
- Hey, man, I mean, when you gotta eat,
you gotta eat and, and plus,
I mean, if I was to ride
with that Hitch driver,
he wouldn't be able to fool me
like he does everybody else.
- [Jason] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, man, I mean, apparently
he's giving people drugged up waters.
- [Jason] Really?
- Mm-hmm, so rule number one,
don't drink the damn water
the Hitch driver gives you.
- [Jason] That sounds
like a great strategy.
- It's simple.
- [Jason] Would you like a
(dramatic orchestral music)
Gummi Bear?
- Mm, I love Gummi Bears, thank you.
But anyway, if I were to get killed,
I aint goin' out like no bitch.
I'm goin' down like a badass.
- [Jason] How does one
go out like a badass?
- I don't know, like,
what if he sets me on fire
and throws me off a cliff?
- [Jason] And you don't
feel like that's overkill?
(ominous orchestral music)
- Uh-oh, we got some heat on our tail.
- [Jason] I see that.
- Hope he don't pull us over.
- [Jason] Now, why would they do that?
- You never know nowadays, man.
(ominous orchestral music)
It's not lookin' good for you, man.
- [Jason] Look, will you shut up?
- Oh, oh, man, just,
just chill.
(ominous orchestral music)
(police siren blaring)
(knocking on window)
- Yes, sir, is there a problem, officer?
- No problem, license
and registration, please?
- Did I break a law?
- Can you cooperate please?
- I'm not not cooperating, sir.
- What's his deal?
- No deal, he, um,
he just had a, a long night.
- You have a long night, too?
- No, sir, I, I, in fact, I'll probably
go a few more hours, actually.
- Look, we can do this the easy way
or the hard way, your choice.
- Officer of the law,
is, is that a threat?
- License and registration, please?
- [Jason] Okay, okay.
- Registration?
- Hold on a sec.
- You ever been convicted of a felony?
- No.
- You ever been arrested?
Answer me, you ever been arrested?
- Yes, once.
- [Officer Paul] What for?
- Trespassing.
- Why were you trespassing?
- We were ghost hunting.
- Ghost hunting?
- I was 17.
- How old are you now?
- Doesn't it say on my identification?
- Now don't get smart with me, buddy.
- I'm not, I'm not.
I'm 42, sir.
- You don't look 42.
- Thank you.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- Look, sir, I really
need to get him home.
- [Officer Paul] On a
hunch, it doesn't look
like he's in a rush.
- Regardless, I'm on the clock.
- Don't you get more money,
ah, for a longer ride?
- I do, but if I take too
long it can effect my score.
- What's your score now?
- 4.91.
- Hmm.
Why not five?
- Because five is unattainable.
Look sir, no offense,
but don't you have anything better to do?
- As a matter of fact, I don't.
Look, if you must know,
you fit the description of
somebody we've been looking for.
- What,
a fat guy in a car?
- It has nothing to do with your weight.
- No, I get it, I understand now.
You're looking for a fat guy,
and you see me driving
around in this vehicle,
so automatically
you assume that--
- Look, if you gotta know,
your car fits the description
of what we're looking for.
- Oh, my car, so since
I'm the only fat person
who's driving a Prius around Los Angeles
at one in the morning,
you're automatically gonna
pull me over, even though--
- I don't have to be
the nice guy, here.
- [Jason] Do you call this
being the nice guy, sir?
- Yeah, I call this being nice.
- Look, are you gonna
give me a ticket or not?
(Officer Paul sighing)
- Get outta here.
Have a nice night.
- Thank you, sir.
(knocking on window)
- I'd like to mention that, ah,
you shouldn't be driving this thing
around here at this hour.
A lot of weirdos.
- Yes, sir, I won't sir.
- And clean out that glove
compartment of yours.
It's a mess.
- Yes, sir.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Oh, what's goin' on, man?
- [Jason] You, you fell asleep.
- Ah, man, I feel weird.
- [Jason] Well you said you
hadn't eaten in a while.
- Yeah, man, but, I mean, not only that,
like, shh,
mm.
- [Jason] Uh-oh, we're
almost to your destination.
- How long was I out for?
- [Jason] Long enough.
- What happened to that cop?
- [Jason] What cop?
- I mean, the one that was following us?
- [Jason] Oh, ah, he went the other way.
- Okay, I see.
- [Jason] And here we are.
- Ah.
- Have a good night.
- Ah, you too.
Ah, hold on, ah, would you
mind just waiting on me?
Like 10 or 15 minutes?
- [Jason] Unfortunately,
I don't get paid to wait.
- Well, look, I got a $20 dollar bill
with your name on it,
if you could just wait for me?
- [Jason] Fine.
- You the man.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] Friday night.
TGIF.
I can't think of a more pathetic excuse
of an existence than to live
every week for the Friday.
Hopeless men and women, young and old,
are out looking to score.
Or worse, find their significant other.
Getting drunk, stoned,
loaded, lit.
Looking to take part of a fiesta of flesh.
Irreparable consequences
that could last a lifetime.
Or at least 18 years.
Or at least $300 dollars of which
you have to borrow from your aunt,
who made the same mistake 20 years ago.
(ominous orchestral music)
This is the definition of our generation.
To go out and get shit faced,
and come back and do it
again week after week.
Doing whatever it takes to avoid
the mundane and arduous
stresses of everyday life.
We are not taught to handle our shit.
We are taught to blame,
and then beg, borrow,
steal
just to further our careers
for a bump in our salaries,
but I digress.
I'm no saint.
I'm a slave to the wheel.
Chauffeuring around
these grown adolescents.
(rain pattering)
(ominous orchestral music)
But this is what separates
myself from the rest.
I do this because I choose to do this.
Not because another has
told me where to work,
when to work,
and how much money to make.
I am doing this out of the
sheer generosity of my being.
I am giving them the opportunity
to end their suffering much sooner,
than drawing out their existences
as peons for decades.
Spawning more drones.
- [Employee] Hello, can I interest you
in trying the New Double
Tasty Jalapeno Burger today?
- Um, no, thank you.
I'd like a double
cheeseburger and a large cola.
Please,
and thank you.
- [Employee] And can I interest you
in trying the New Double Tasty
Jalapeno Burger today, sir?
- Still no.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
- [Employee] Okay, $3.69
at the next window.
- Thank you.
(ominous orchestral music)
Really?
Jesus Christ.
- Hey?
Hey?
(knocking on glass)
Hey?
Hey?
- What?
What do you want?
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Do you got a quarter?
- What?
- Quarter?
- You want a quarter?
- Quarter.
- Hold on.
- [Hobo] Oh, yeah.
- I have a dollar.
Will a dollar work?
- Damn.
Dolla's mighty fine.
(hobo sniffing bill)
Oh.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey? Hey?
(tapping on glass)
You're a good man.
- Well,
you don't know me.
But thanks.
(tapping on glass)
- Hey?
This eye,
don't lie.
- Okay, God bless.
(fingers squeaking on glass)
- [Mike] Yo, what's up man,
how you doin, bro?
- Yo, good to see you, man.
- Good to see you too, man.
- How you been?
- What you up to?
- I'm just getting some
groceries and what not.
- Oh, yeah, I'm about to
head in there real quick,
but, hey, you been hearing
what's been going on lately?
- Bro, yes, craziness.
- Oh, that's just so crazy,
I'm only driving my own
damn car from now on.
- That's right sane.
- Duh, I don't have the time,
Okay?
- Right, exactly.
- I would never like.
- Uh-Uh. (laughing)
- [Mike] Wait.
Really?
- Damn, yeah, just a...
- You called a Hitch at this hour?
- Sorry, I mean, shit, I
was, I was hungry. (laughing)
- God, you know you could
have asked me for a ride.
- I know, man, I mean,
it's right up the street though.
It's fine.
- Listen, Bro, literally,
I'll be ten minutes.
I'll be in and out,
and I can drive you home.
- Bro, honestly, I don't even
think I can wait that long.
- [Mike] Ten minutes?
- Ah, I am starving.
- [Mike] Oh, my.
- [Tremain] It's fine man, he's chill.
It's whatever.
- You're seriously about
to get in that Prius?
- Yeah, what?
- You know the killer drives a Prius.
- [Tremain] Okay, yeah, and literally
every other Hitch driver in
the greater Los Angeles area.
- [Jason] Is everything okay?
- [Tremain] Ah, yeah,
it's, everything's good.
I'm sorry, I'll be
right there in a second.
- You serious?
- What?
- He looks
like a killer.
- Shh,
uh.
- Just give me five minutes.
I'll be in and out.
- Just chill, bro.
- You don't to have to wait.
- Like five minutes.
- Just, just, chill, man.
Look, I appreciate you, look,
check it out, check it out.
I'll hit you when I get to the house.
How 'bout that?
- Man, alright, I just don't wanna wake up
and see you on the news.
- You won't bro, I promise.
- You know, as dead.
- Alright, man.
- Alright, man.
- Appreciate you, man.
- Alright, man.
- Take it easy, man.
- Later.
- [Jason] Is everything okay?
- Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
It's just my friend
being worried as always.
- [Jason] Did you get all
the groceries you needed?
- Oh, my gosh, yes.
I cannot wait to get
home and cook this stuff.
- [Jason] Well, if you're hungry now,
there's still some Gummi Bears for you.
- [Tremain] Hell, yes.
Thank you.
(jarring orchestral music)
- Tremain,
you really need to listen
to your friends more.
(gas trickling)
Don't blame me.
This was your idea.
(lighter clicking)
(Jason laughing)
(fire roaring)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic percussion music)
- [Jason] What the hell?
- [Bouncer] Get back, get back here.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Keep on going.
- [Man] I think I got it.
- Oh, man, I just had to get outta there.
- [Jason] Well, what, what
the hell just happened?
- Ran into one of mix ex's, and, hah,
woo, she was not happy.
(Troy chuckling)
- Hmm.
- Look, thanks for giving
me a ride though, man.
Sorry for putting you through this.
- [Jason] I sort of
feel like an accomplice.
- No, nah, nothing like that.
- [Jason] So you saw an ex,
and the bouncers chased you out the door?
- Well, I mean, she lied to them.
Told them I was harassing her.
- [Jason] Were you?
- No, of course not.
I mean, she's just a bitch, skank, whore.
- [Jason] Here we are.
- Ah, thanks, man.
So you gonna come up for a drink?
- [Jason] You know, I'd rather not.
- Alright, c'mon.
I mean, you owe it to yourself.
Look, you work hard all day.
- [Jason] I should be going home.
- This is my last night in LA.
- [Jason] True.
However.
- [Troy] Before I forget,
here.
- [Jason] This is an
insane amount of money.
- Look, I have more money
than I know what to do with.
Just one drink.
- [Jason] I do owe it to myself.
- Yes, you do.
You deserve it.
You earned it.
Now didn't you?
C'mon?
You know you want to.
You know you want to.
- Oh, okay.
(Troy laughing)
Sure, why not?
- Awesome.
My brother, let's drink. (chuckling)
C'mon, my yacht's right this way.
Special drink for you.
It's my family recipe.
You're gonna like it.
Promise.
(ominous orchestral music)
We're here.
- [Jason Voiceover] This
definitely belongs to his father.
- [Troy] Welcome aboard.
- Wow.
- I know.
(chuckling) Thank you.
Oh, man, what is your
drink of choice, my friend?
What is your poison?
- Oh,
liquor is
liquor.
- You don't believe that, do you?
No.
Let me help.
I need you to taste this,
and then tell me again
that liquor is
liquor.
Swish that around for a minute.
Ah.
- That's exquisite.
- That is is.
That it is.
I'm gonna make us a drink.
Something special.
It's my family recipe called the Legend.
- Sounds, ah,
legendary.
- (chuckling) That it is my friend.
That it is.
I'll tell you what, you
go check out the view.
- Great, around here?
- Yeah.
- Up here?
- It's up there.
(ominous orchestral music)
(liquor trickling)
(ice clinking)
(ominous orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
(ice clinking)
- Hey, J-man?
Drinks are ready.
- Wow.
This really is quite a boat.
- Ah, I know.
I know.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, they just, they
leave 'em here, you know?
- Hmm.
- I'll tell you what,
nah, you want it.
Take it.
It's yours.
- Smells like a good year.
- 2001.
That's your drink, right there.
Hmm, you know what,
I'm actually just
learning Spanish, so, uh,
let me give it a go, I have
I have this cheer that I just learned.
Aribba,
abajo,
al centro,
al dentro.
And we drink.
- Salud.
- Salud.
Ah.
- Gracias.
- [Troy] Mm.
- Mm.
Oh, this is incredible.
- Legendary.
- Legends.
(Troy chuckling)
- Legendary it is, my friend.
(ominous orchestral music)
Just a splash, that's all you need.
- Alright.
- Chill it down
just a bit.
To
new friends.
- To
nuevos
amigos.
- (chuckling) Alright.
(Jason chuckling)
- Bottoms up.
(glasses clinking)
- Oy, bottoms up.
Ah.
- Ah.
- The perfection, every time.
- Yes.
(Troy chuckling nervously)
Hmm.
(ominous orchestral music)
How are you feeling?
Dizzy?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(fist thudding into stomach)
(glass shattering)
- Oh.
- You little shit.
You thought you were better than me?
You thought you knew
how to take me out?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Troy gasping)
Don't you
try
(Troy gasping)
to be the boss?
(Troy gasping)
I'm the new captain of this ship.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Troy gasping)
Adios,
amigo.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Bouncer] Every night
he's with a new chick.
Never seen him with the same chick twice.
- Any idea where he lives?
- One of those yachts over there.
He claims it's the largest one.
- Copy that.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason Voiceover] They're onto me.
(hand thudding on dashboard)
(ominous orchestral music)
(gun hammer clicks)
- Do you want me to lift it up?
- Let's take a look at it.
- Jesus Christ.
I'll call it in.
- It was only a matter
(hand thudding on dashboard)
of time.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(knocking on glass)
- Yes, officer?
- This time I have a reason.
- [Jason] Eh, just let me
get something real quick.
(pepper spray hissing)
(Officer Paul screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- I didn't know you had tattoos.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
(woman gasping)
(dramatic orchestral music)
No.
(woman gasping)
(woman gasping)
(woman yelping)
(ominous orchestral music)
(police siren blaring)
- Come out, with your hands up.
Come out with your hands up.
Get your hands up.
- What's goin' on?
- Hands up.
Right there, hands up.
- Higher.
- Don't take another step.
- They're, they're up, what's goin' on?
- [Police Officer] Get on the ground.
On the ground.
- Down on the ground, god damn it.
- [Police Officer] Handcuff him.
- [Jason] What's going on?
- [Police Officer] Shut the fuck up.
Get up.
(police radio chattering)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Jason] Off--
- [Police Officer] Head down.
Get in there.
- The other off--
(door slamming shut.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Do you have any brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Yes.
- [Trace] Which one, brothers or sisters?
- [Jason] Both.
I have a brother who's a,
a little bit older than me.
(ominous orchestral music)
(Justin laughing)
(Justin laughing)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(Justin laughing maniacally)
(swirling electronic music)
- [Narrator] Hayhoe Studios.
(atmospheric acoustic music)
Have no fear
When you call my line
I'll be there right on time
We'll go places
You don't wanna go
With a driver you'll never know
So open the door
And come inside
Just sit back there's
no need to be shy
Ride share
Ride share
Just let me be your guide
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
There's no turning back
Once you get in my car
But don't you worry
We don't have to go far
Out in the woods
Where no one can see
And you'll be all
Alone with me
So open the door
And come inside
Just sit back
There's no need to be shy
Ride share
Ride share
Just let me be your guide
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
Ride share
Ride share
Hope this won't be
Your last ride
A ride share
(atmospheric pop music)
Late night, I'm drinking
Shouldn't drive
Pull up the ride share
So I'll be sure to arrive alive
This guy seems creepy
Something 'bout his eyes
But I'm drunk
What do I know
I'm sure it's fine
Hitch me up on a ride share
Closest driver, the best care
Hitch me up on a ride share
The closet driver, the best care
Hitch me up on a ride share
May I get there