Rising Damp (1980) Movie Script

Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
(Cat meows)
Get out of it, you damn thing!
And don 't look at me like that.
It's your own fault. I've told you before.
- (Meows)
- And don 't answer me back, either.
Ah. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
What's this?
"Rising damp"? Do you want to ruin me?
I'm attempting to let a room.
You can get rid of that, for a start.
My God, British workmen! All right.
'Ey... ooh.
'Ey. I only hope you know what you're doing.
This place had better not fall down.
Our work's guaranteed for 30 years, squire.
It'll see you out by a long way.
Oh, I haven 't got time... 'Ey, wipe your feet.
Get stuffed.
Riffraff.
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's out there in the hall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp
It's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Bert, slip that card in your window, will you?
Oh, yeah? What's this?
Another vacancy at Bleak House?
Just put it in the window.
And not so much lip.
It's a very desirable room.
There'll be a big rush, so watch out.
And I want someone respectable, middle-class,
not some long-haired herbert
carrying a brown -paper parcel.
- Middle-class, eh?
- Yes, that room's next to Miss Jones's.
I don 't want any loutish behaviour.
Of course not. Very genteel, Miss Jones.
Comes in here for her knitting patterns.
Exactly. So, I want someone
pure in thought, word and deed.
Point taken. Oh, by the way...
- Yeah?
- I've got those books in.
- Oh, good. Where are they?
- Over there, behind Practical Woodworker.
- Oh, ta, Bert.
- Just don 't walk out with six under your jumper,
like you di last week
- Shut up.
- I've got some more out the back.
Hello, Mr Rigsby! What are you doing here?
Oh, just thumbing through Tatler.
I'd dropped in to advertise the room.
Oh, I wish you'd let me know. I'm having trouble
getting accommodation for the students.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
We don 't want more of them.
You know what they are? Fully paid-up
members of the permissive society.
We don 't want them hanging round you.
There are men who'd take advantage
of a woman like you, on her own.
- Do you think so, Mr Rigsby?
- Oh, yes.
You know what you need, Miss Jones?
Someone near your own age.
Someone who's seen the world,
who's understanding, with a sense of humour.
Where am I going to find someone like that?
I think Mr Kemp wants you.
Oh, yes. He's probably got my copy
of the New Statesman.
- What are those?
- These? Oh, they're...
photographic studies, Miss Jones.
For the erm... the nature-lover.
A sort of hymn of praise
to the erm... to the female form.
You mean they're nudes?
Er... yes.
Ssoo
If you'll excuse me, Mr Rigsby.
It's rather warm in here.
What did you do that for?
What'll she think of me now?
- Sorry. I didn 't know you fancied her.
- Well, why not?
I thought you only fancied them
with staples across their stomachs.
Excuse me. I'm looking for a Mr Rigsby.
- Oh, yeah?
- Does he live here?
Oh, no. He'll be out this time of the day.
Who shall I say... What do you want him for?
Well, he's advertising a room.
Oh, yes. That's right, yes. I am. Come in.
Just the two flights.
(Thud)
All right. Don 't panic.
Here you are. There it is.
Oh, it's very nice.
Oh, yes. It's all my own stuff in here.
That table's been in the family for years.
Here's your television here, you see.
Yeah? See? Adjust it...
- It isn 't very big.
- What? It's a 12-inch.
No, no, the room.
Oh, yes. I should have used lighter wall...
It's very dark.
Oh, you'll get used to it.
Here's your kitchen unit here.
You've got plenty of cupboard... Move that.
You've got plenty of cupboard space here.
Enough hangers there for you, eh?
Here's your stove. See? There. Infrared.
- Over here's your...
(Whooshes and hisses)
Careful of that. It might kick back. See that?
Take the flesh off your fingers, that.
Well, I'm... l'm sure I could be very happy here.
Oh, hang on. I don 't let my rooms to anybody.
I have to know a bit more about you.
- Oh, I'm a student.
- Oh, no.
- An art student.
- Oh, dear!
What's wrong?
No, no, it would be no good to you here.
You'd be better off in a commune,
handing round the cannabis.
Dossing down with some bird in a duffel coat.
No, we're very quiet here.
Oh, that would suit me, cos I like a quiet life.
Are you sure about that?
Cos I know what you students are like.
Mind you,
I don 't think you could afford this place.
Well, how much is it?
Er... 12.
- 12 for a room this size?!
- Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you.
Wait a minute. Don 't be so hasty.
Oh, I suppose you want a big studio?
A panoramic view, for your painting?
Well, that would be terrific.
Well, I might just have the room for you.
Come on.
There.
Well, what do you think?
- (Panting) It's rather high up.
- Yes, of course it's high up.
I'm insured against low-flying aircraft.
There's nothing
between this room and the Urals.
You'll breathe the same air as the Tatars.
Look how long they live.
I should charge you extra.
But it looks as if it's got rising damp.
What? Don 't be silly.
How can you have rising damp in the attic?
- Isn 't that water coming down the walls?
- What do you expect? Champagne?
Yeah, well...
I suppose it would make a reasonable studio.
Course it would.
But let's get one thing straight.
If you're going to do any painting...
I don 't mind a bit of still life.
Bowl of frui vase of flowers - very nice
But if you paint women
do it from memory.
I know you students.
It was one of your lot made the hole.
- The hole?
- Yes in the floor
Miss Jones, removing her clothes one night...
covered in plaster.
- Who's Miss Jones?
- Got the room below. Close personal friend.
But I'm not rushing it. All right with you?
Yes.
Right. Well, that'll be 6 a week.
Payable in advance, of course.
- Yeah, well, er...
- That means now.
- That sounds very reasonable.
- Oh, it is.
There's just one thing.
- Do you think you could get rid of that for me?
- Rid of what?
- The skeleton.
- Oh, his nibs?
No, I can 't do that.
That belongs to your roommate. Ta.
Roommate?! Just a minute.
I didn 't know I had to share.
- Oh, yes.
- I don 't think I like that.
Don 't be silly! Look. Look.
This is... What's your name?
- John.
- John, is this your first time away from home?
I thought so. Well, look.
Don 't you want to take this opportunity
of mixing with other people
of various backgrounds,
people who are different?
- Well, I...
- Well, you've fallen on your feet here.
Very aristocratic, this lad.
Blue blood in his veins. Royalty.
Oh, well, he sounds different.
Oh, yes. Very different.
Oh, hello, Phil!
Rigsby, what's he doing here?
Oh, this is John, Phil.
Just moving in. Says it'll be a lovely studio.
Rigsby, I have told you, I am not sharing,
so stop smuggling people in when I go out!
I didn 't want to share, either.
- There won 't be room.
- Of course there won 't.
Who do you think you are? The vestal virgins?
In the Army, we were 16 to a hut.
We never complained.
But this is different.
Oh yes
Yes, I suppose it is. Tensions are bound to arise,
under the circumstances.
What circumstances?
Nerves are bound to get taut -
different ethnic groups.
That's got nothing to do with it.
I mean, it doesn 't worry me.
- Good, cos any trouble, and you go, not him.
- Why?
- He's a minority. He has rights.
- What about my rights?
- You haven 't got any.
- Rigsby...
I know how we can solve this.
I have the room downstairs, and he has this.
No, no. I've got Miss Jones to consider.
You get yourself unpacked. You'll be all right.
- Mr Rigsby!
- Yeah?
Hey, you didn 't tell me he was er...
- What?
- Black.
Of course he's black.
He comes from Africa.
What colour did you expect? Sky blue pink?
He didn 't seem very pleased to see me.
Course he is. That's just his manner.
No, I think he likes you.
Get back, before he chucks your case out.
Well, he says it's too crowded.
Crowded? He's never known luxury like it.
'Ey, he'd never had a pair of shoes on
till he came over here.
He'll have 'em off in a minute.
They've got to feel the ground under them.
- Really?
- Oh, yes, yes. Very primitive people.
- They say he's got ten wives.
- Ten wives?!
Yes, yes.
Mind you, it doesn 't mean the same to them.
They get married whenever there's a hurricane,
when they think God's angry!
No, I couldn 't let him next door to Miss Jones.
Let me have it.
You?! An art student?
Next to a shy, retiring woman like that?
If she's shy, what are you worried about?
Oh, that's on the surface,
but underneath there's pent-up emotion.
One day she's going to burst like a dam,
and I'll be waiting. All right?
- Right.
- Right. Good.
(Meows)
Look, I've told you, no-one's indispensable.
You go on like this
and you'll end up on a tennis racket.
(Meows)
Yes, you.
Have you been here long, Philip?
Long enough.
I'm er...
I'm studying art. What are you taking?
Medicine.
Oh, that's terrific! Is that to help your people?
Not really. I heard the money was rather good.
Oh.
Hey, Mr Rigsby says you've got ten wives!
- That's right.
- Ten wives?
I'm the son of a chief. It's expected.
But ten wives?
Don 't you find it a bit intimidating?
No, it's like driving in traffic.
You only see the one in front.
I can 't stand this place.
I don 't know why I came back.
I bet you'd sooner be sleeping under the stars.
Look, let's get one thing straight.
I'm not the last of the Mohicans.
No, no, no, of course not.
- Are you circumcised?
- Oh, my God.
No, I just wondered. Are you?
- Yes.
- Yeah, so am I. Rotten, isn 't it?
You should have it done when you're 13,
in the bush, with a blunt knife.
(Whistles) Is it painful?
It does make your eyes water a little.
Hey, when did you have your first erm...
...experience?
- Of what?
- Women.
Oh, that.
On my 14th birthday. It was part of my initiation.
On your 14th birthday? Crikey.
All I got was a bike.
Philip...
Philip...
- Hello.
- Aaargh!
Good heavens!
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Are you with Rentokil?
Er... no, no.
I've just moved in. I'm sharing with Philip.
Oh. Oh, I see.
I don 't blame you for checking the floor.
It can hardly bear the two of you!
I'm Ruth. Ruth Jones.
- John. John Harris.
- Hello, John.
I erm... just popped in
to see if Philip wanted anything.
- Oh, he'll be back in a moment.
- Oh, good.
Well, it's going to be very crowded in here.
Typical of Rigsby
to squeeze in an unsuspecting soul.
Oh, I'm not an unsuspecting soul. I'm an artist.
An artist? Oh, how romantic!
Do you know, I was painted by an artist once.
He put both eyes on the same side of my head.
You don 't do that sort of thing, do you?
Oh, no, no.
Well, like I said, there's not much room to paint,
unless you're thinking of doing miniatures!
Would you like to see if I can get you moved?
No, no, I don 't mind sharing.
I think
i could be a very enriching experience for me
Do you? I think
it could be the beginning of your Blue Period.
RIGSBY: Vienna!
Oh, my God! There's Rigsby.
Look, I've got to hide.
- He hates me coming up here. Excuse me.
- Of course.
- Everything all right?
- Oh, yes, thanks.
Settling in? Is he being friendly?
Oh, yeah.
- Are you wearing scent?
- No.
Oh. It must be the wind off the abattoir.
Watch that. It can turn a delicate stomach.
Right... are you sure you're not wearing scent?
There's a strong odour of African violets.
- No, it's not me.
- Oh, all right.
Right. Good night, then.
Good night
Good night, Miss Jones.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Oh, Miss Jones.
Oh, hello, Mr Rigsby.
- Oh, my word! Something smells delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, what an absolutely beautiful...
perfectly delicious...
What is it?
- It's a cheese pie.
- Of course.
Do you think it should just lie there like that?
It's probably waiting to spring, Miss Jones!
Ready to assault our taste buds!
- I would offer you a bit...
- Oh...
...but it seems to be sticking
to the bottom of the pan.
Why are my pastries always a disaster?
Now, now, Miss Jones. May I...?
No, no. Your hands, please, Miss Jones.
Ah, well, you see,
you need cold hands for pastry, Miss Jones.
These hands...
oh, these hands are so warm and vibrant.
They're simply pulsing with emotion, Miss Jones!
Did you want something, Mr Rigsby?
I just thought it was such a lovely day
that we might go out for a spin.
Oh, no, I don 't think so, Mr Rigsby.
I was just about to take this pie
up to Ph... to John.
I should keep well away from him,
Miss Jones... and his wardrobe.
We can 't go on like this.
I've got to get that vacant room.
Rigsby won 't give it to you.
He might if Ruth asks him.
Why should Ruth ask him?
Why do you think?
Hey, you be careful.
Rigsby says she's like a dam about to burst.
Perhaps she's burst already.
Hello, boys!
I've brought you some pie.
Er... no, thanks, Ruth. I've just eaten.
- What?
- No, thank you.
I'll have some, Ruth.
I'm sure it'll be delicious.
Will you really, Philip?
- Have you really made that yourself?
- Yes.
I've always wanted a slice of your pie.
It looks so succulent and... tasty.
- It's sticking a bit, I'm afraid.
- Ruth...
I've been thinking
- Yes?
- It would be nice if I had that room next to you.
Oh, what a good idea, Philip.
Then I could have as much pie as I wanted.
What?
I wonder
if you'd have a word with Rigsby about it.
Of course I will, Philip, if you really want me to.
I'd like that very much.
Well...
Must go. Rugger practice.
What about your pie?
Perhaps you can keep it warm for me.
Oh... yes.
Oh, God. Did you hear that?
He's so lonely and proud.
I think it was a cry for help.
I thought it was a cry for that room.
Oh, you silly boy! You're so jealous.
Oh, Mr Rigsby! I would like to go for that spin.
It's such a beautiful day.
Oh, my pleasure, Miss Jones!
- I'll go and get ready.
- Yes, the sooner you're strapped in, the better!
Hey, notice the difference, eh?
All this mooning about, sighing, sniffing flowers.
Extra dab of scent.
The mysterious smile
on the face of the Mona Lisa.
What are you getting at?
- It's finally happened.
- What has?
She's fallen for me.
Mind you, it was bound to happen.
You can 't resist this charm for long.
The flower's finally turned its face
towards the bee! (Laughs)
Yes. Nothing like a nice, relaxing drive
in the country, Miss Jones.
We can turn off and chase a few rabbits!
Oooh!
Yes, very restful out here.
(Horn and squealing tyres)
Watch where you 're going! Weekend driver!
Too busy filling his pipe.
- Please be careful, Mr Rigsby.
- Oh, you're all right. You're in safe hands here!
I always say. If you lose control of yourself,
how can you control your car?
Quite.
(Music blares)
Hey, take the wheels off that
and keep chickens in it!
Oh, look at that.
"I'm a blood donor" and "Come to Jesus".
Some people go out looking for trouble!
(Chuckles)
Shall I open her up
and show them a clean pair of heels?
- Is that safe? This is a very old car.
- Oh, they don 't make 'em like this any more.
(Gears grate)
- We'll let her rip.
(Grinding)
Hey, how about that? Not a tremor!
(Engine splutters)
Mr Rigsby, we appear to have lost the roof.
It's all right, Miss Jones.
I was going to let the top down, anyway.
There we are, Miss Jones.
Oh...
There. Little blighters!
There. That's a nice, healthy colour!
Lovely.
Oh...
- For afters, Miss Jones?
- Oh, thank you.
And...
Oh, I say!
(Sighs) I must say, this is very pleasant.
Yes, well, it certainly suits me.
Of course, I was raised in the country.
- Oh, I didn 't know that.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, I can honestly say,
nature's like an open book to me, Miss Jones.
What do you see?
A couple of blades of grass, a few trees.
But the experienced eye sees so much more.
Oh, yes.
Did you know
a badger passed this way just now?
Oh, yes. There's a skylark over there.
And over there, love-lies-bleeding.
- What?!
- Oh, no, don 't be alarmed, Miss Jones!
It's only... oh.
It's only a flower.
It's the old name for the common ragwort.
- Oh, I see.
- (Chuckles)
Shall we erm... shall we...
Shall we see if you like butter, Miss Jones?
Oh, no, Mr Rigsby! Don 't! Please.
(Laughs) Don 't!
No!
(Both laugh)
Mr Rigsby, I wanted to ask you something.
- Yes? What is it, Miss Jones?
- Well, it's about the room.
Yes?
It seems so silly to advertise it when there's
someone who could move in straightaway.
Yes, Miss Jones?
What I mean is...
it would be nice if it was someone I knew.
- I think I get your drift, Miss Jones.
- Do you, Mr Rigsby?
Yes. Is it perhaps someone
you've grown fond of recently?
Well, yes. You don 't think I'm being silly?
Oh, no. The same thought occurred to me.
I just didn 't like to mention it.
- Then you'll consider it?
- Consider it? I'll move up first thing tomorrow.
I wasn 't talking about you!
I was referring to Philip.
Philip?! Oh, I'm sorry. I can 't allow that.
It might give hi the wrong iea
We don 't want hi
making a nuisance of hiself
He won 't. He's very aristocratic.
He's the son of a chief.
What does that mean? It just means
his mud hut's bigger than the others.
Boss deess, t mnoy 'vo ggot a c rruuo sst rroa mk, yo uu mknnow
The women have to walk for miles
in the sun wih pots on their heads
No I should keep well away from hi
Is that a bull?
(Laughs) Oh, no, it's a cow, Miss Jones!
It's easy to see you 're a town -dweller.
It's staring at us.
Yes. That's because it's curious.
- What shall we do?
- Stare back!
(Chuckles)
(Snorts)
He's going to charge!
No, no. She's going to charge, Miss Jones.
(Bellows)
Oh, my God, he is!
(Bellows angrily)
(Sighs) Oh, hello, Miss Jones. You made it.
(Moos)
(Grunting)
Heave! Heave! Phil!
That's it! Show it to him!
Go on! Go on, get stuck in!
(Shouts of encouragement)
- Ah, Miss Jones!
- Hello, Mr Rigsby.
Ah, Mother Nature has relented!
(Chuckles)
I didn 't know you watched rugby, Miss Jones.
Oh, yes, I find it quite exciting, Mr Rigsby.
Yes, well, I must say,
it's brought the colour back to your cheeks.
Isn 't that our black friend? I know
they all look the same, but it looks like him.
Yes, that is Philip, Mr Rigsby.
Ooh doesn 't he move beautifully?
He's like a panther Such anial grace
Oh, yes, but he's got no science.
He's not thinking.
That's why he runs into trouble.
- (Whistle)
- I din 't know you were an authoriy on rugby
What? Oh, yes.
If it hadn 't been for the war,
Miss Jones, who knows?
They could never fathom the secret
of my body swerve.
I could send a pack the wrong way
with a flick of my eyebrows.
I was known as the wraith of the touchline.
- (Snorts)
- Pardon?
He's in trouble. That number 8 will bury him.
MISS JONES: Come on, Phil!
- That's it!
- Shift yourself! Have his guts for garters!
What do you think you're playing at, eh?
- What?
- That black fella's...
Excuse me.
- That black fella's laughing at you.
- Is he?
Yes. Every time he feints to the left,
he goes right.
To the right?
Every time. So, the next time he tries it, you go
to the right and flatten him. What do you do?
- Flatten him.
- Yeah.
(Blows whistle) Get on with it.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, nothing. Just tactics.
- Beautifully played, Philip!
- Come on, number 8!
- Oh, shush!
- God, he's not listened to a word I've said.
To your right!
He feints to your left, then goes right.
To your right! He feints to the left
Come on! Nail him, you great...
MIS JONES: Oh, well done, Philip!
Your right. Your right.
Not mine, you steaming great jessie!
Aaargh! Oh! Ah!
(Grunts)
(Sighs)
Jelly on the plate, jelly on the plate...
Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble...
(Laughs) Sorry to intrude, Miss Jones.
No, not at all, Mr Rigsby.
- Oh, what a striking outfit.
- Thank you.
I don 't want to complain, Miss Jones,
but... l'm getting plaster in my fishfingers.
Oh, I am sorry. I was just doing my exercises.
Exercises for you, Miss Jones?
Yes. I wanted to improve my figure.
Absolutely impossible. You couldn 't improve it.
You've got an hourglass figure.
Well, I can 't help wishing I had a little more sand.
When you know someone
with a perfect physique,
i makes you take a long hard look at yourself
Well, I took an inventory of my body, Mr Rigsby,
and, quite honestly, I was shocked.
Er... nothing missing, was there?
No, Mr Rigsby, but my whole body
was in a state of muscular tension.
Oh, what on earth did you do, Miss Jones?
Well, I decided to do a few gentle exercises.
And Philip has shown me
some wonderful things to do on two chairs.
Oh? I bet he has. I shouldn 't take
too much notice of him, Miss Jones.
You must admit, he has a wonderful physique.
- Has he been coming here with his shirt open?
- No, of course not.
Well, I shouldn 't take any notice.
You could do yourself an injury.
So... to tell you the truth, Miss Jones,
I don 't care for this fetish for physical exercise
that's going on now.
I never do these exercises, and look at me.
- Yes.
- Pardon?
Well, you could do with a few exercises.
You can 't be serious! I'm in perfect condition.
Ready for anything.
A man of your age ought to take care.
My age? I'm in my prime, Miss Bro... Miss Jones.
In your prime, Mr Rigsby? The slightest exertion
and you're wheezing and coughing.
Really, Miss Jones!
Now, stand back a moment. I'll show you...
I'll show you
what clean living and a balanced diet can do.
- What are you going to do?
- I am going to lift this chair aloft by one leg.
Ooof! With my hand, of course.
Don 't be so silly.
I used to do this 20 years ago.
I can still do it today. Now...
Please be careful, Mr Rigsby.
(Laughs)
Ready?
Careful.
Ah! How about that, then?
Oh, Mr Rigsby! I didn 't know you were so strong.
- Shall I get you a glass of water?
- Yes, if you would, please.
Try and relax.
Look, inside you,
there's a giant struggling to get out.
I wish he'd give me a hand with this.
Oh, my God! It's the Incredible Hulk!
- (Meows)
- Oh, don 't be alarmed by his muscles, Vienna.
I'm sure the gentleman means us no harm.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm developing my body.
The only thing you'll develop is a hernia.
You're wasting your time. It won 't work.
- Why not?
- Because you won 't keep it up.
All that muscle will turn to fat. You'll look
like you've been left out of the fridge all night.
No, you're wrong. I'm going to keep it up.
And when I disrobe on the beach, there'll be
a buzz of excitement. Do you know why?
- Yeah. You've forgotten your trunks.
- Oh, very funny.
Take my advice. Leave yourself alone.
It doesn 't pay to interfere with nature.
You'll look like a freak.
You were meant to be puny, anyway.
If you want a bit of exercise,
get outside, kick a football about.
I don 't like football.
You don 't like football? Our national sport?
When I was your age,
they couldn 't keep me away from a ball.
I was out there every night.
- Good at it, were you?
- I was brilliant.
If it hadn 't been for the war, who knows?
I might have been another Tommy Lawton.
Who's Tommy Lawton?
Who's Tommy Lawton? Only the greatest
centre forward who ever breathed.
They don 't compare with players today.
Compare? He'd make mincemeat of that lot.
Haven 't you seen them these days? Prancing
around like models, kissing and cuddling.
In my day, when you scored,
all you got was a handshake.
Now you get covered in lovebites.
There's nothing wrong with a little
physical exercise. It wouldn 't do you any harm.
Oh, don 't be silly. I'm very well endowed.
Why don 't you face it? Go on. Be honest.
I mean, I've never had much money,
but I've had my health.
Why do you think Miss Jones is attracted to me?
She senses the latent power,
the almost feline grace.
- Feline?
- He means Vienna.
And what's wrong with Vienna?
PHILIP: Well look at him Rigsby
Oh, don 't you be taken in by that air, mate.
He hasn 't lost his reflexes any more than I have.
Oh, rubbish.
All right. I'll show you something.
Come here, love.
I'm going to show you... Come on.
I hold this cat four feet above the ground,
face upwards. Right?
Now, if I let go, what'll happen?
- It'll go through the floorboards.
- No. He won't. Careful, he'll take offense.
No, he'll land on his feet,
and do you know why?
Because he's got perfect reflexes.
Ready? It'll all be over in a flash.
One, two, three...
(Thud)
- (Meows)
Funny. He usually lands on his feet.
Must have been asleep.
Could one of you strong men help me
with my Branston? I can 't get the lid off.
BOTH: I'll do it.
Thanks.
- (Laughs) He's gone very red!
- It won 't budge.
Isn 't it marvellous? All these exercises
and he can 't get the lid off a jar!
Come on. Give it here.
It's all a question of pressure, Miss Jones.
Over there. Hang on.
What's the matter, Rigsby?
(Moans)
No, we've got a cross-thread here, Miss Jones.
M ay t rry??
No, wo nnood aa v co We nnood aa v co
- Oh, thank you, Philip.
- I must have loosened it.
Come on, Philip. You can be the first to indulge.
RIGSB Y: He din 't see you di he?
JOHN: No Does i matter?
Of course it matters. Put it down there.
Right.
Yeah, that's just up and down once or twice.
Yes, I'll work into that.
The old chest expander.
God, you've got to be careful with these,
haven 't you?
What are these, then? Oh, yes.
I'm glad you decided to get fit.
What do you mean, get fit?
I am fit. I'm just putting the fine edge on it.
What made you decide to do it?
Well, didn 't you see the look... Oh, God!
It takes it out of you, this, doesn 't it?
Didn 't you see the look of superiority on his face
when he opened that pickle jar?
God, it was a definite setback
for the white races, that.
Miss Jones was very impressed.
He'll be getting ideas there, if I'm not careful.
He doesn 't want Ruth.
He's got ten wives already.
Yes, but they're black. Miss Jones is white.
She could be very useful to him out there.
What as?
As a marker.
I'll try a few... a few press-ups.
Here. Take this.
Right.
Right.
(Panting) One.
- One and a half.
- Shut up.
Two. I didn 't think I'd be able to do
more than about 12... or 13...
- Are you all right, Rigsby?
- Yes. What do you want?
The West Indies are playing England on TV.
Could we watch it on your set?
No, yo uu ca nn't
You may not have noticed,
but I'm now the proud owner of a colour TV.
Why watch something
that looks the same in black and white?
- You're so colour-prejudiced!
- I am not.
Yes, you are. You won 't watch Muhammad Ali.
- Yes, cos he can 't box.
- How did he become world champion, then?
He talks them to death.
He gets them in a clinch,
engages in a bit of witty repartee,
and by the time they have an answer,
he clouts them.
It wouldn 't work with me.
- You're a boxer, as well?
- I was brilliant. If it hadn 't been for the war...
BOTH: Who knows?
- Are you calling me a liar?
- You don 't look like a boxer.
Of course I don 't. The best ones never do.
We're the ones you've got to watch out for.
Not the ones with the broken nose
and cauliflower ears.
But when you come across someone like me,
who still has his good looks,
who retains what you might call
the classic profile, you watch out.
You know, it's amazing!
You were good at everything.
Oh, all right. I'll show you.
Get out the way. I'll show you something, mate.
Hey, hey. What do you...
What do you think these are? Eh?
They weren 't to stop me biting my nails.
For collecting the rent?
Oh, very funny.
One punch from these,
you go down like a roll of lino.
Don 't do that.
The old one-two?
You wouldn 't know what hit you!
Don 't do that!
Listen. I'll tell you this, mate.
I wish we had another pair of gloves.
I'd show you something.
Oh? Come down to the gym.
We'll slip on the gloves and have a work-out.
- Any time you like, sunshine!
- All right?
Right!
- I'll arrange it.
- Yes, you arrange it! Off you go! Ho-ho!
That showed him. See how pale he went?
No.
Yes, well, it's hard to tell.
- Are you sure this is the right thing?
- Yes, he won 't touch me.
It's in the footwork. You never lose it.
I'll float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
You're floating like a bee
and stinging like a butterfly now.
Not punching my full weight
at the moment, am I?
You see, what he doesn 't realise is,
I can ride the punch.
Here, look. I'll show you. Put these gloves on.
Oh, no, I'd rather not.
Hit me on the chin, as hard as you like.
But I don 't want to.
Oh, I know what it is. I'm too likeable.
You can 't work up any aggression.
Well, just pretend
I'm a nasty, thoroughly awful piece of work.
I know it's difficult, but do your best.
- It's not that.
- What, then?
- You might hit me back.
- Course I won 't, without gloves.
Now, you'll try to surprise me,
but I'll surprise you with the speed of my...
Oh, when the saints go marching in...
Miss Jones...
(Gasps)
Miss Jones, I just came...
That's a side of you we've not seen before.
M o nnss ssa nna nn co rrpo rro ssa nno
Yes, I'll have it looked into first thing tomorrow.
Er... l'm not quite sure how to put this
to a woman of your sensitivity and refinement,
but there's going to be a fight.
- A fight?
- Yes, Miss Jones, down at the boys' club.
Me and Philip are having the gloves on.
It'll be a fight to the finish.
The blood will flow, so I thought I'd let you know.
Thank you, Mr Rigsby. I'll get my diary.
Now, if you tell me the day, I'll be there.
No, I don 't think you quite understand,
Miss Jones.
This isn 't an ordinary fight.
This is erm... it's over you, Miss Jones.
- Over me?
- Yes, yes.
- How exciting!
- Somebody...
Somebody will probably get hurt,
possibly maimed.
Now, I know you're against violence
and the Polaris missile, and that sort of cr...
So, I'm quite prepared to put the whole thing off.
It would be a disappointment...
I wouldn 't dream of it, Mr Rigsby!
You just tell me when.
Er... tomorrow night, Miss Jones.
Tomorrow night. Cancel the badminton.
No-one's ever fought over me before.
It's such a compliment.
You know, I can be of help to you.
I'm very good at first aid.
And to show how much I appreciate it,
I shall go out to supper with the winner.
What do you think about that?
I shall look forward to it!
As long as he's got any teeth left.
(Sharp sniffing)
Ah!
Where is he? Has he changed his mind?
Right. Better get back home, then.
- No, he's here. He's just getting changed.
- Is he?
Looking a bit nervous, is he?
Starting to show signs of strain?
No, I don 't think so. He says he's looking forward
to having the gloves on again.
Again?! What do you mean, again?
You mean he's boxed before?
Oh, yes. In Africa he did a lot of boxing.
He was champion of his region.
Cha? Oh, my God! Why didn 't you tell me?
I thought he was a novice!
Champion of his region? God, he'll murder me!
- Oh, but you've got the experience.
- Oh, shut up, will you?
He's planned this. He's going to duff me up.
You'll be all right.
At the first sign of blood, I'll stop the fight.
What? First sign of blood and you'll faint.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
Listen, you could always disqualify him.
- How do you mean?
- Well, you know, for a low punch.
Well, suppose he doesn 't punch low?
I could always jump in the air.
Look, if you want to call it off,
I'll tell him your back's gone.
There's nothing wrong with my back.
I can 't call it off. What would Miss Jones think?
Give me the white feather, won 't she?
No, I shall have to put the frighteners on him.
- How?
- Well, you know what they say.
If you can 't fight, wear a big hat.
Through here, is he?
No, no. Through there.
Ah. Now, then, sunshine...
- So, you're getting ready, then?
- Yes.
I was just thinking, eh?
Funny old world, eh, Phil?
I mean, two grown men, getting ready
to knock seven bells out of each other.
And we call ourselves civilised!
Eh?
I mean, you're black and I'm white...
I mean, if you and me can 't get along,
how are the rest of the world going to manage?
Eh? You know, funny old... funny old world...
Do you want to call it off, Rigsby?
Call it off? Who said that?
I was just thinking aloud.
I thought you sounded nervous.
Me? No, I'm not nervous, no.
No, all I'm worried about
is in case I lose my temper.
That's why I gave up boxing.
Inearly killed this bloke.
Oh, yeah. Once the bell goes, the red mist
comes up, and I get singing in my ears.
Then there's someone lying on the canvas.
Who is it, Rigsby? You?
Oh, very funny. Well, look...
Don 't say I haven 't warned you. That's all.
Hello, Philip.
I saw you working out on the heavy bag.
You were fantastic.
Thank you.
My word, you're in good shape.
You'll murder him.
You've just got to soften him up inside.
He lives on suet pudding.
- Aren 't you being a bit heartless?
- Perhaps.
I must admit,
I did experience a certain... frisson...
at the idea of two men fighting over me.
- Did Rigsby tell you that?
- It makes me feel like Susan Hayward.
Who?
- "To the victor the spoils."
- What spoils?
An evening out with the woman in your life. Me.
Ah.
Are you ready, Rigsby?
Oh... (Hums fanfare)
(Thud)
Oh, by the way, Alec's refereeing, not me.
Is that all right?
- Alec? Who's Alec?
- That's Alec.
Oh, my God!
Not another one.
Aaargh!
Stop i!
MISS JONES: Open wide.
Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.
ALEC: Right, gentlemen!
Now, listen. I know this is a grudge fight,
but I want a clean contest.
No holding, no butting,
no punching with the inside of the glove,
no gouging, and no pulling...
My God, you're enjoying this!
Now, go back to your corners
and come out fighting.
Hang on. Just a minute.
You - make a note of where my belt is.
Anything below that, and he's disqualified.
(Bell)
Hang on! There's a nail in the floor.
That's it.
- Oi, break.
- Come on. Break.
Not him. You!
(Rigsby rings bell)
- What di you do that for?
- Don 't forget what this is for. (Rings)
Hang on! Just a minute.
(Rigsby whimpers)
Go on, Philip. Kill him!
(Whimpers)
Get off!
- Got him!
- No!
...three, four, five...
- Never knew what hit him.
...six...
- Well, what do you think?
- What about?
The earring.
Oh, yes! It's not very big, is it?
Well, it doesn 't want to be. Catch it in something,
and it could tear your ear off. Do you like it?
Yes.
You look as if you don 't give a damn.
Well, I don 't.
Has Rigsby seen it?
No. I've been covering it with my hand.
Well, you know him.
He thinks a signet ring's flashy.
Besides, he's been unbearable
since you threw that fight.
At least I don 't have to take Ruth out.
When are they going?
Tonight.
He's been getting ready all day.
(Heavy breathing)
Oh, God!
Come on. Don 't get flustered.
Some people have got it, and some haven 't.
And you've got it, Rigsby.
When you get a chance to use it.
That's it.
Oh, God!
Come on.
"Oh, Miss Jones..."
"Good heavens! Mr Rigsby?"
"Yes. I wondered if you'd care
for a bit of a turn round the terrace."
Surely... it can 't be! It is! Viscount Rigsby!
- Have we met?
- We met at Dolly Parkinson 's.
- Quite possibly.
- I simply have to see you... again.
I see I shall have to be careful.
I can tell you could be a very dangerous woman.
Mayn 't we have this dance?
I feel it could become... our tune.
My tune.
A trifle I dashed off at Monte last season.
Oh, I say!
I only hope
this pathetic orchestra can do it justice.
Tango
I fear not. Come, you silly little goose.
Macho.
(Music continues)
- (Meows)
- Get out of it.
Good heavens!
It's Count Dracula, dropped in for a bite.
Oh, give it a rest, why don 't you?
If your head's cleared, I'd like your opinion.
I want to go out in this. What do you think?
It's a little dull.
Dull? Oh, it would be for you, wouldn 't it?
- What do you mean?
- Not enough bright colours.
I don 't like bright colours.
What? Give you some coloured cloth,
you'll dance till sunset.
Anyway, you two know nothing about fashion.
We know not to wear a silk scarf and kid gloves.
Listen, mate. I could...
Keep still. Don 't move. What's that on your ear?
It's an earring.
An? Oh, stop the world, I want to get off.
Earrings? God help England.
Let's hope the Russians don 't find out.
I can just see us marching to battle in earrings.
That'll scare the enemy.
- Phil thinks it's all right.
- He thinks a bone through the nose is all right.
- You're nervous, aren 't you?
- Course I'm nervous.
I know she doesn 't want to go out with me.
She's too busy worrying about good causes.
Too busy thinking about his mates in Africa.
And I'm not a good cause.
Oh, I don 't know. What about Help The Aged?
If you want to impress Miss Jones,
you've got to change your image.
- Wear an earring?
- You know what I mean.
Yes, I know. Shirt open, medallions,
drinking Cinzano,
while that idiot pours it into that skinny bird's lap.
Well, life's not like that.
Why not? Life can be anything you want it to be.
JOHN: Get into the right gear,
and take her round to that little club.
He can 't. They don 't allow him in since
he poked that stripper with a stick of celery.
Oh... well, take her to the little Italian place.
Soft lights music You can 't miss
- No.
- I know about these things
And get yourself some decent gear.
I think you'll find it's a 32.
Wrong
- Sir...
- Yes, please, if you don 't mind.
Ah...
Oh my goodness!
Sir is well developed.
But I think he could take a narrow fitting.
Yes, yes, I usually take a fairly narrow...
Just slip into these.
The changing room's over there.
Do you want me to come in with you?
No, no, it's all right. Thank you.
- Ready, sir?
- No! No, I'm not.
Hello! Saturday Night Fever.
Rock'n 'roll
R-l-G-S-B-Y
I ask myself oh, why, oh, why
I love him
Till the day I die
Well, I love that man
I love that great big guy
(Girls scream)
These are too tight. They show everything.
Well, I think sir could get away with it,
but I have got this.
Yeah, I'll try that.
- Body rub, sir?
- What?
Eastern Promise.
It's erm..."a compound of herbs and spices,
a secret
known only to the eunuchs of the kasbah."
Yeah, made in Hemel Hempstead.
- You've got the gear, then, Rigsby?
- Yeah, I got something.
- What's this?
- Oh, 'ey.
There. Smell that.
(Philip groans)
Listen, mate.
That's Eastern Promise, a body rub.
It's a mixture of herbs and spices, a secret
known only to the eunuchs of the kasbah.
'Ey... your lot!
You should be all right, then.
Oh, I don 't know. My stomach being so sensitive,
it roars whenever I get near her.
Well, you take a couple of these.
They'll settle your stomach and tone you up, too.
Yeah?
'Ey, they haven 't got any hormones in them?
- No.
- Oh, good.
Cos you know that butcher
that we got the cheap turkey from?
He had something with hormones in.
Then his wife got a deeper voice than him.
They're perfectly harmless.
Good. I don 't want to end the evening
with a sex change.
- Oh, what's this? A juju?
- No, come on. Put it on.
There we are. A fertility symbol.
Oh, that's all I need.
Rigsby... good luck.
Right. Thanks.
- Good luck.
- Yes, thanks.
Thank you, Phil.
- What were those tablets?
- Tranquillisers to calm him down.
Where did you get them from?
A friend got them cheap
because of the side effects.
- Side effects?
- They turn your water green.
Accordion
Grazie.
- Some more wine?
- I shouldn 't. My face is glowing.
Oh, you look radiant, Miss Jones!
Not too much. I feel light-headed, as it is.
If I have any more,
I shall do something I'll regret.
Oh... waiter, another bottle!
Oh, Mr Rigsby!
May I... may I say, Miss Jones,
I've never seen you in crepe de Chine before.
The effect is magical.
Oh, thank you, Mr Rigsby.
I do like this place. Do you come here often?
Oh, it's one of my old bachelor haunts.
- I thought you were married.
- Oh, in name only.
It was a long time ago.
The end of the war. V-J Night.
She surrendered the same day as Japan.
We resumed hostilities a week later.
- You make your marriage sound like a war.
- Oh, it was, Miss Jones.
Long periods of boredom,
followed by short bursts of violence.
Oh, we should never have got married.
Do you know, Miss Jones, in those days,
the only woman I really loved was Greer Garson.
- Oh!
- Oh, she was wonderful!
I used to know all her films -
her and Walter Pidgeon.
They don 't make films like that any more.
Did your wife remind you of Greer Garson?
No, no...
She was more like Walter Pidgeon, actually.
As a matter of fact, Miss Jones...
you remind me quite a lot of Greer Garson.
Thank you, Mr Rigsby.
My asparagus tips were delicious,
but they leave your fingers sticky.
They give you quite a thirst, though.
I think it's the hot sauce they put on them.
Mm. That's better.
Yes, quite tangy.
Miss Jones,
it's always been a source of wonder to me
that a woman of your good looks
never got married.
Well, I had to devote most of my life
to looking after my father.
Ah... and is he no longer with us?
No, no, he died several years ago,
on Guy Fawkes Night.
He had a heart attack in the street.
People kept stepping over him.
They thought he was a guy.
Oh, how terrible for you, Miss Jones.
Well, it was. There was only four and nine
in his hat when we found him.
Not much for a man 's life.
No, not a lot, Miss Jones, not a lot.
What are those tablets?
Oh, painkillers, Miss Jones.
The old shrapnel's on the move.
- Shrapnel?
- Yes, legacy from Anzio.
Oh, I didn 't know.
Well, I try not to talk about it.
Nothing we can do about it.
Que ser ser
Still, the war wasn 't all that bad, was it?
It was while I was over in Italy that...
While... while I was over in Italy,
I acquired my erm...
- Acquired what, Mr Rigsby?
- My... pardon?
You acquired something.
Yes, while I was in Italy,
I acquired my love of good Italian food.
Oh, you're so worldly-wise, Mr Rigsby!
Thank you very much.
Ah.
- Oh!
- How delicious!
- Ecco, signore.
- Not at all.
Oh, the old pasta. Nothing like it.
Blended with the subtle use of herbs and spices.
M ay wo mnavo t mno Daddiess, p oasso??
Yes, there's nothing like a civilised meal.
Oh, yes, that's the one. Thank you.
The er... Do you partake?
No, I don 't, thank you, Mr Rigsby.
Man cannot live by fishfingers alone.
No, Mr Rigsby.
I've always... always had a weakness
for... for what you might call
the better things of life, Miss Jones.
I've always had a refined palate.
You see...
'Ey, I think we've got a dead soldier here, mate.
People ought to be a little more adventurous
with their food, Miss Jones.
You see... Oh, God!
- Sambuca!
- Bless you, Miss Jones.
'Ey, you nearly had an accident there, mate.
Thank you.
That's it. Ah. There we are.
Hello. What about a song for the beautiful lady?
- Oh, how romantic, Mr Rigsby!
- Yes, why not? Santa Lucia?
- Yes.
- Do you know Santa Lucia?
Santa Lucia!
(Both hum tune)
La-di, la-la, la-la
La-di, da-di, dah!
(Bellows)La-di, da-di, di-dah
(Tunelessly)La-da, da-di
Santa Lu...
(Applause)
Bastante.
- You excelled yourself, Mr Rigsby.
- (Breathless) Yes, Miss Jones.
Er...
May I say, Miss Jones, how much
I've been looking forward to this evening?
Thank you.
You're a very exciting person to go out with.
I've really been looking forward to this.
Men often tell me that, Mr Rigsby.
I don 't know what it is about me.
Whether it's my wry sense of humour or my
vivaciousness, that men find me so stimulating...
Not here, Mr Rigsby.
Mr Rigsby? Mr Rigsby, please!
Mr Rigsby?
Waiter! The bill, please.
- Have you seen him yet?
- Yes.
- He's awake?
- Yes, but he can 't feel his teeth.
He's been to the doctor.
Was that him?
- Where do you think you're going?
- Why? What's the matter?
- You nearly poisoned me!
- Oh, you're exaggerating.
I was drugged to the eyeballs.
I slept so long, I missed Magic Roundabout.
I still can 't feel my teeth. And that's not all.
Do you know what I found out when I went
to the bathroom? My water's turned green.
- Green?
- Bright green.
I took those pills to the doctor. You know what?
He said
they were for women in early pregnancy.
Do I look as if I'm in early pregnancy?
God, I'd sue you, if you'd got any money.
You've ruined me with Miss Jones, you know.
She thinks I'm mad, and I don 't blame her.
- I was only trying to help.
- Help?!
There'll be another time.
Oh, it's all right for you. You've got ten wives.
You can afford to be philosophical.
'Ey... Philip.
Your women... are they much more...
What?
You know. I mean, are they much more...
Oh, yes. Much more.
Yes, I've heard that.
Ours are always getting headaches.
Do yours get headaches?
- No, we lead a more natural life.
- Of course you do. You're closer to nature. Yes.
I haven 't been close to nature
since last Christmas.
I wasn 't all that close then.
I don 't know.
I don 't seem to get any chances these days.
There was this woman at the pub.
They all said, "Don 't give her a lift home."
You know, she was supposed
to interfere with you while you were driving.
So, I gave her a lift home.
- What happened?
- Nothing. She was a washout.
Just talked about her feet.
What would you do in my position, Philip?
- What?
- What do they do in your country?
In my country, if a man was in your position,
he'd get the wood of the love tree.
He'd burn i outsie the girl's hut
She'd smell the smoke and appear at the door.
He'd look deep into her eyes, and...
she'd fall in love with him.
- Just like that?
- Just like that.
You haven 't got any of this wood, have you?
- Would you like some?
- Well, I don 't believe in it.
- Well, don 't have any.
- Well, anything's worth a try.
I'll do you a favour sometime... Phil.
I'll try to think of something.
Er... Philip, you know that stuff
we were talking about the other day?
You haven 't got any here, have you?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, thank you.
Excuse me.
Right.
'Ey... this has been planed.
Everything's commercial these days, Rigsby.
(Chuckles)
JOHN: What was all that about?
I've given Rigsby some love wood
to burn outside Ruth's hut.
- Do you think it'll work?
- I shouldn 't think so. It came off the wardrobe.
JOHN: Well come on Let's get started Sandra
My father would be furious if he knew.
Your father is a Philistine!
Don 't you realise, Sandra?
I want to immortalise you.
Why can 't you immortalise me
with my clothes on?
Oh, ever since I saw you in the library,
I've wanted to capture
the translucent quality of your skin.
I want to capture...
the real woman.
Woman...
the eternal mystery.
There won 't be much mystery
if I take my clothes off.
Now, look, come on, Sandra,
before the paints harden.
Now, you just...
take your clothes off, and I'll arrange the pose.
I'll arrange the pose.
Don 't worry, Sandra.
It's all in a day's work for me.
Oh, Sandra...
What's the matter? Is something wrong?
No, SSa nnde ra
You are...
beautiful.
(Sniffs) Can you smell burning?
What? No, I can 't.
- Someone's coming upstairs!
- Oh!
Oh, quick! Hide.
Oh... hang on. Why?
It might be the landlord.
He hasn 't seen a woman in years.
It could upset hi
Coming!
Erm...
- John, can you smell burning?
- No!
I've smelt it all evening, on the stairs.
Could you have a look?
Er... yes, all right.
Quick.
What on earth's that?
This... is a piece of wood.
I can see that.
For heaven 's sake, stop wafting it around.
- You'll start a fire.
- I'll start a fire, all right.
Have you been drinking, Mr Rigsby?
- Noticed anything?
- An appalling smell.
Oh, this isn 't ordinary wood. This is special.
Breathe in. (Coughs) See what happens.
I don 't know what you have in mind,
Mr Rigsby, but I assure you...
Oh, don 't fight it, Miss Jones.
Let it all hang out. What do you say?
Kindly extinguish your stick!
Oh, fill your boots, Miss Jones.
Let's make it a night to remember.
- I'm warning you.
- This is one fire you can 't put out!
We'll soon see about that.
Er... excuse me. The front door was open...
Oh, please, stay with me, I implore you!
Whatever happens, don 't leave me.
Of course not, dear lady.
Let me introduce myself. My name's Seymour.
I saw the ad for the room,
and I have some business in town,
and I was looking for someplace to work,
somewhere quiet.
- Quiet?!
- With a sort of family atmosphere.
Oh, there's a family atmosphere.
It's like living with the Muppets.
I can 't find anything.
(Miss Jones chuckles)
- What happened?
- What happened? Nothing happened.
I might have known, with a white woman.
- Oh... yes.
- What?
There's a man here looking for a room.
He looks as if he's got money.
- Are you trying to get rid of me?
- No.
Yes, you are.
You're hiding someone in there, aren 't you?
Oi! What was that?
Are you feeling better now?
Yes, thank you. Forgive me.
I don 't know what came over me.
It's not so bad here, really.
No.
- Dirty little tyke! And you've been drinking.
- No, it wasn 't like that, Rigsby.
Oh, no?
- What was it like, then?
- Rigsby, how did it go?
- Oh, very well indeed.
- Good, good. Now, about that favour...
- The favour, yes.
- Could I fetch a girl back here tonight?
A girl? Oh, well, I'll put your mind at rest, Philip.
I'm afraid you can 't bring a girl back here tonight.
In fact, you can 't bring a girl back here
any bloody night!
Oh, I think this is him now.
Oh, Mr Rigsby, this is Mr Seymour.
He's come about the vacant room.
- Oh...
- He's looking for a family atmosphere.
Mr Seymour. A family atmosphere?
Oh, you're in the right place.
I'm like a father to these two lads.
We often have a bit of a game this time of day.
Would you care to see the room?
Yes. I've got my er...
Oh, yes. No, it's all right, Miss Jones.
Would you like to come this way?
There we are.
There we are. What do you think?
Mr Seymour?
What do you think?
Ah, yes. Yes, very nice.
Yes, it's all my own...
my own personal stuff in here.
This table's been in the family for years.
Look at that workmanship.
My father died in that chair.
Make yourself comfortable.
Of course, I wouldn 't dream
of offering this room to just anybody.
Of course, I realise that you...
you know nothing at all about me.
Perhaps you'd like to see some credentials.
Oh, no, absolutely unnecessary.
Between gentlemen like us?
No, no, no. Public school?
- Well, yes.
- Yes, I thought so! (Chuckles)
Were you?
Er...
No, I had a bit of trouble with the eleven -plus.
But I loved reading about it.
Chaps being gated. Rags in the dorm.
Yes, it would have suited me, all of that.
Are you from an old family?
- Well...
- Yes, you can always tell.
Not like these tuppenny-ha'penny gentlemen
nowadays.
My old captain during the war,
he was from an old family. Yes.
Always carried a walking stick, smoked a pipe.
Do you know, I never saw him ruffled.
Whenever Jerry opened up,
he'd lean on his stick and say,
"Where's that coming from, Sergeant?"
Everybody would leap for cover, but not him!
What happened to him?
He got blown up by a shell.
- Bad show.
- Yes.
What were you in?
Er... Spits.
Oh, Spitfires! Oh, yes, yes.
ME109 before breakfast.
Victory rolls over Biggin Hill! (Chuckles)
Oh, that was a long time ago.
No, I went to Africa after the war,
hunting, farming... shooting.
But it didn 't work out.
Now I'm back in the old country,
picking up the pieces.
Not that there's much work
for an old fighter pilot. People soon forget.
Oh, you don 't have to tell me. I know all about it.
Land fit for heroes? Huh!
When I came home,
there were no banners welcoming me.
They hoped I wasn 't coming.
Anyway, never mind. Get yourself settled in.
May I? Get yourself settled in.
I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
- Awfully decent of you, old chap.
- Not at all... old chap.
I'll get the digestives out.
Yes.
Sandra... have you thought any more
about erm...
...you know?
Yes, I have thought about it, John.
Well, I think we ought to wait.
We... we can 't wait for ever, my sweet.
I haven 't mentioned this before,
but I've not been well.
The doctor says
it's pent-up emotion and frustration.
Now, if I were to go suddenly, before...
Oh, John!
After all, it's the most natural thing in the world.
I don 't care how natural it is,
I'm not doing it here.
Well, you won 't do it anywhere.
You won 't do it here, you won 't do it in my room.
Where will you do it?
I was looking in Jeffersons' window.
They've got a lovely sideboard.
You're not suggesting we do it in there?
Whenever I mention furniture,
you change the subject.
Well, I haven 't changed the subject. You have.
You've only got one subject.
That's all you talk about.
All right. I won 't talk about it.
Cheers!
We could go to my room.
Don 't you think it would be nice
to wait till we have a room of our own?
You've been listening to your father again.
God, he's so bourgeois!
Doesn 't like me, does he?
No.
Is that why he set the dog on me?
He says I shouldn 't sacrifice my life
for a moment's pleasure.
JOHN: It'll be more than that
I know where the erogenous zones are.
Now, did you know
your ear was an erogenous zone?
John!
- Is it working?
- It's my father.
- I must go
JOHN: Oh hello Mr Cooper
I've been looking for you. Yes, you!
Have you been with our Sandra?
Certainly not.
- (Growls)
- What's that?
- (Growls)
- Erm... nothing.
- (Growls)
- Not another of those letters, is it?
- (Growls)
- No.
- (Barks)
- Aaargh!
- Get hi!
- (Whistles)
(Siren)
What's the matter with you?
I've got a complaint, Rigsby.
Well, you should eat more vegetables.
I mean Seymour. He's been here a week,
and he's monopolising the bathroom.
- He's not.
- He's been in there for hours.
You can 't expect him just to dash in and out.
Not Seymour.
He's reading the paper.
I can hear him turning the pages.
Probably the financial section.
He's getting out of gilt-edged.
I wish he'd get out of the bathroom.
And gilt-edged? He borrowed 10p for the gas.
Well, I'm surprised at you.
What have you got against him?
He's one of us.
- What do you mean, one of us?
- Middle class.
Public-school background. Bit of breeding.
Don 't tell me you 've got breeding.
Oh, don 't tell me you've not noticed
these features. Oh, really!
You don 't get them by accident.
They're the result of breeding.
- How do you mean?
- Well, it's not generally known, this,
so keep it to yourself.
My grandfather was a bastard.
Yo uu mmoa nn mno wass c rruuo to yo uu??
No, mno wass a rroa oassta rrd
He was the natural son of... someone.
- Who?
- Ah, I can 't tell you that. My lips are sealed.
But I'm related
to one of the most powerful families in the land.
I don 't believe you.
It's true. How do you think
Grandad got the horse and cart? Hush money.
Rigsby, Seymour's in the bathroom again!
What's the matter with you two?
Why are you so resentful?
I am not resentful.
You flew into a temper
when he borrowed your soap.
- Why can 't he buy his own soap?
- Look...
Oh, yes, of course. I know what it is.
It's because he was out there, isn 't it?
You hold him responsible for our colonial past.
Well, there was a time
when you were glad of blokes like Seymour.
- Now, look...
- Phil he won 't hear a word against hi
- He gets special treatment.
- He does not. I've got no favourites.
Hey!
He's only cleaning Seymour's shoes for him!
Just putting a shine on them.
Oh, he's got you at it! I reckon he's a con man.
He is not a con man.
He was in the Battle of Britain.
What was that?
What was? Oh! The Battle of...
You must have heard of that,
even in your outpost.
They must have beat that out on the drums.
The battle of the iron birds. First of the few.
Churchill said,
"Never was so much owed by so few..."
No, he didn 't. "Never in the field of human
conflict... were so many owed by so few...
er by so"
And he never spoke a truer word.
Anyway, I bet Seymour wasn 't in it.
He's a con man.
- He is not.
- What does he do, then?
- He is a financial consultant.
- He's not seeing my finances.
What finances?
Has he paid the rent yet, Rigsby?
- Not yet.
- I thought you always ask for it in advance.
- It's different with him. I can trust him.
- Oh? You won 't get it.
- Oh, we'll see about that!
- I bet you won 't.
- All right. You wait and see!
- He'll have some excuse.
(Knock at door)
Come.
Oh, if you're going out, Seymour,
I'll come back later.
No, come in, old boy. Always glad to see you.
I look forward to our little chats.
Oh, yes, so do I, Seymour.
I don 't come up here just for the rent.
No, of course not. No, I look upon you
more as a friend than as a landlord.
Thank you. Very kind. I did your shoes.
Yes, so you did.
Now, erm... those two upstairs.
They er... they don 't like me, do they?
Oh, no, I wouldn 't say that, Seymour, no.
But I can feel it. There's an atmosphere.
Oh, take no notice. They don 't like anybody.
If you ask me, they're Reds.
Won 't be satisfied till we're swinging from a post.
Yes, that's their answer to everything.
Mindless violence.
They should be put up against a wall and shot.
- Yeah.
- Now, our black friend. Where is he from?
Oh, Swazi... Swazi...
Sw... l'm not quite sure where it is, exactly...
Yes. I can 't quite place him,
though I can sense his dislike,
and that hurts me, Rigsby.
You see, I spent the best years of my life
among those people.
I spent 20 years in the heat and the flies
Do you know what thanks I got?
The natives peed in the drinking water.
I've never been the same since.
I'm not surprised. Anyway,
forget about those two. We've got each other.
Oh, I love to hear you chatting about Oxford.
The dreaming spires, punting on the Isis,
chatting up the birds from Lady Margaret,
then back to Balliol for crumpets.
You know, Seymour, before you came,
- there was only Miss Jones
- Ah, Miss Jones.
She's a close friend, but I'm not rushing it.
Er... does she... does she have any money er?
Er... no. I think she's what they call
a distressed gentlewoman.
In the post office
she's got a few hundred pounds.
Oh, a few hundred, in the post office?
That won 't go very far.
Well, if she needs any advice...
Oh, yes,
I'm sure she'll be grateful for any advice.
- Well, I must fly.
- Oh, while you're here...
I hope you don 't mind me mentioning the rent.
- Oh, yes.
- I hope you don 't mind.
No. It slipped my mind.
You should have mentioned it earlier.
Hello. Wait a minute.
I seem to have left my chequebook at the office.
Isn 't that silly of me? Well, see you later.
Oh, make that three, miss.
Miss! Half a bitter, please.
- Did you get the rent?
- No, he hadn 't got his chequebook.
- I knew it!
- He just left it at the office. Nothing unusual.
- I wouldn 't take a cheque, Rigsby.
- Oh, yeah? Why not?
It may have certain rubbery qualities.
Listen, I don 't know...
Miss! Could I have half...
- I don 't know what you've got against Seymour.
- He's too right-wing.
Don 't be so ridiculous.
The trouble with you is, you are a reactionary.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes you are
You want to bring back hanging.
Look... listen to me.
A lot of people want to bring back hanging.
Not in public, Rigsby.
Oh, very funny. Anyway...
Thank you. About time.
Oh, your turn, Phil.
Oh, isn 't it marvellous! (Chuckles)
That's funny. I can 't find my wallet.
- Oh, not another one.
- I put it in this jacket.
- Are you certain?
- Yes. Pay for these, would you, Rigsby?
Yes, all right. Thank you, miss.
Hey, has Seymour been in our room?
My God! You don 't care, do you?
That's slander, that is.
- It's never happened before.
- That's no reason to jump to conclusions.
- Of course it isn 't.
- No, you're right. We shouldn 't be hasty.
I should hope not.
O 'ss a c rroomk
You haven 't any proof, John.
All we know about him is that he hasn 't paid
the rent, and he borrows money for the gas.
All right.
But there's nothing you can do about it.
- We could search his room.
- We can 't do that.
Search his room? Listen to this!
He's not there. He's out. He won 't know.
It would be simpler to call the police.
Er... no, we don 't want the police.
We don 't want them sniffing round.
Do we, Phil?
I mean, we never know what they might er...
I suppose we could slip into his room
for a minute, have a quick look round.
We could be proving his innocence.
(Knocks)
Come on.
- Should we be doing this?
- I'll never look him in the face again.
What are you all doing here?
- We're searching his room.
- You can 't do that!
You'll thank me for this.
He's probably a master criminal.
RIGSB Y: Where do I look, then?
- Under the bed. Top of the wardrobe.
Rip the lining of his jacket.
You leave that jacket alone!
- What are you looking for?
- His wallet.
RIGSB Y: Er... There... there's a wallet missing,
Seymour. We just er...
- And you suspect me?
ALL: No, no!
Everyone's under suspicion.
- But most of it falls on me?
- No.
No, I understand. After all,
you know nothing about me. I'm a stranger.
Perhaps you'd like to search me.
I'd be happier if you did. In fact, I insist.
No, no. Nothing there.
Now w mnat aoo uut you?
M o??
- You did say everybody was under suspicion.
MISS JONES. Yes.
- You don 't mind, then?
- Well... no.
Right. Assume the position.
Hello? What's this?
Is this what you're looking for?
PHILIP: Yes.
(Coughs)
(Wheezes painfully)
(Groans) Oh, God.
(Sneezes)
(Knock at door)
Come.
May I have a word, Mr Seymour?
Oh, yes, of course.
Erm... do please call me Charles.
Charles.
I feel I must apologise for yesterday.
I hope you don 't think I had any part in it.
Of course not, Miss Jones. I quite understand.
- Please call me Ruth.
- Ruth. What a charming name!
Tell me... Ruth, I've been meaning to ask you,
have you ever done any modelling?
Modelling? What makes you ask that?
It's the way you cross the room.
The way you walk.
The easy, almost feline grace.
Where did you learn to do that?
I don 't know.
I just sort of put one foot in front of the other.
- Incredible.
- I didn 't realise you watched me so closely.
Oh, yes. Oh, please don 't move.
- What?
- Don 't move.
For a moment there,
you reminded me of someone.
The little lights dancing in your eyes.
The roguish smile playing around your lips.
Call it a trick of the light.
I didn 't think my heart could leap like that again.
Where was I standing?
A little closer.
Oh, Charles! We mustn 't. This is madness.
- Morning.
- All right?
All right?
Funny about that, wasn 't it?
What do you mean?
About... his wallet being in your jacket like that.
I must have put it in the wrong jacket.
Easily done.
Yeah, course it is.
Funny, though, isn 't it?
- Are you suggesting I took it?
- Of course not. I never said anything.
- You could have had a blackout.
- What?
One bloke here had a blackout. Came to
outside Marks & Sparks, clutching a nightie.
Listen, I didn 't have a blackout
or take that wallet.
PHILIP: Of course he didn 't.
- Yes, all right... Funny, though.
Stop saying that!
Anyway, the least you can do
is apologise to Seymour.
- Do I have to?
PHILIP: I think you should.
- I still don 't trust him.
- Cos you're no judge of character. I trust him.
Don 't you believe that sometimes
it can happen in a blinding flash of light?
Oh, yes! Yes, but we have to be so careful.
Rigsby can be awfully jealous.
He'll spoil everything.
- What can he do?
- Cut my water off.
Don 't you see, little fool? I can 't help myself.
You look so damned attractive, standing there.
Blame the bee
for stealing the nectar from the flower.
Blame the willow for leaning towards the pool,
but don 't blame me for wanting to kiss you.
- Oh, Charles!
- Oh, Ruth!
It'll be all right. He's very forgiving.
MISS JONES: Oh, Charles!
Oh, Charles! Charles, Charles, Charles!
Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles...
- (Meows)
- Get out of it, you bloody thing!
(Phone rings)
- Shut up!
(Panting)
(Mutters to himself)
- Oh, what do you want?
- How kind of you to ask.
Two of the usual, Doris.
- You can 't go on like this.
- Sling your hook.
These things happen.
There's no point drinking. It's been a week.
I knew I shouldn 't have trusted him.
Brylcreem boy!
I thought you liked him.
One of the "first of the few".
He certainly was
as far as Miss Jones is concerned.
When I think how long I've waited for her!
All that untapped love and emotion.
All that repressed passion.
She was like a dam waiting to burst,
and old...
...Seymour cops the lot.
I mean, what's he got that I haven 't got? Eh?
Come on. You tell me. Come on.
Be honest.
BOTH: Nothing.
No. Right.
- Can I give you some advice?
- No.
Well, maybe I can help.
After all, I do have a certain reputation.
I'm not surprised. Dirty little tyke.
It isn 't something unclean, Rigsby.
Times have changed since your day.
We believe in love without fear.
Oh, yeah?
Last time you indulged in love without fear,
you spent three days hiding from her father.
- I don 't need your advice.
- Don 't you?
I bet he doesn 't know
where the erogenous zones are.
Huh!
The what?
The erogenous zones.
Oh, yeah... yeah.
You don 't know where they are!
Course I do!
Somewhere near the equator, aren 't they?
I knew you didn 't know.
The erogenous zones are those parts
of the body most sensitive to sexual stimuli.
Oh, those erogenous zones, yeah.
I thought you meant...
Take the ear, for example.
That's an erogenous zone.
You try blowing in Miss Jones's ear.
You'll be staggered at the result.
Oh... 'Ey, you watch your language.
'Ey, that girl you brought back home -
did you find her erogenous zones?
Oh, yeah.
It's disgusting. How can you be so depraved?
- It isn 't easy.
- You've got to work at it.
- Oh, yes?
- You see...
you can compare a woman...
to a finely tuned piano.
You what?!
Now, look at these long,
tapering fingers, Rigsby.
Pianist's fingers.
Hey, that girl -
could you compare her to a finely tuned piano?
Of course.
Mind you, I did experience some resistance.
You mean, you couldn 't get the lid up?
That's where technique comes in.
You see,
I remembered to look deep into her eyes.
I made her feel a woman the only woman
Woman, the eternal mtstery.
- He knows what he's saying.
- Yeah.
And then...
I whispered a few French phrases into her ear.
Er... a few French phrases?
Oh yes Yes that always gets them going
I didn 't know that.
Oh, yes.
Oh. Go on. What happened then?
The sea began pounding against the rocks.
There were coloured lights
And in the background... Tchaikovsky.
- Oh, her father came in?
- You know what he means.
- Yes, of course I do.
- You shouldn 't give up.
Seymour only wants her post office book.
You've got to do something.
No, no, no.
I don 't think Miss Jones
would like any of that sort of stuff. No.
A few... a few French phrases, you say?
"Ma petite, je t'aime beaucoup.
Tu as les yeux comme les? Toiles
Tu es belle... comme le ciel."
Or...
"Vo uu oz vo uuss p rro mmo nnadeer avoc mmo co sso rr,
M ssss Jonoss??"
What?
Hm!
RADIO: And now for all you women in love
listening out there
here's a selection of golden oldies
to help you make i through the night
(Romantic big -band music)
(Door creaks)
Charles!
Ruth...
No, Charles! You mustn 't. Not now.
What if Rigsby finds you here?
Don 't send me away.
I can 't sleep
It's this damn moonlight, the scent of the roses...
and you like an ivory statue.
Cold and unapproachable.
The beautiful brow.
The proud arch of the neck.
The supreme fullness of the...
Oh, you're doing that again.
Perhaps you don 't think I love you.
Perhaps you don 't think I'm serious.
I know you're being serious. You're making
those fingermarks on my arms again.
- Sorry!
- It's all right!
You know what I want, don 't you, Ruth?
Yes.
I think so.
I want to take you away from all this.
Oh.
But, of course, I can 't, you see.
I haven 't any money.
Too many bad investments.
(Laughs wryly) I'm a failure.
No, you're not, Charles, I did as you asked.
I got the money. I drew it out today.
Look. Here it is.
Darling!
You did this for me... for us?
God... I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, don 't!
Now wo ca nn ggo away toggot mno rr
Somewhere romantic,
where there are sun -drenched beaches,
starry nights around a driftwood fire...
Just you and me,
listening to the relentless surge of the sea.
What are you doing, darling?
Counting the money, darling.
And I'll be different, too, darling. You'll see.
It's this place. You may think I'm being silly,
but I feel as if I'm being watched all the time.
I feel these eyes staring at me.
It's because you're nervous.
Did you have your cocoa?
Yes.
Oh, Charles, don 't leave me!
There's no point in your going back now.
We must be careful, darling... Thank you.
Remember, there's Rigsby.
Oh, I don 't mind.
Not with you to protect me.
A man who defied the might
of the German Luftwaffe.
Of course I'd protect you, my dear.
I'd go through fire and flood for you.
I'd climb any mountain,
o rravo a nny daannggo rr
- (Knocking) Miss Jones!
- God, it's Rigsby!
Oh, this is going to be good!
- Miss Jones!
- Coming.
I can 't!
- Miss Jones!
- Coming.
RADIO:Beautiful Dreamer (Instrumental)
Good evening, Miss Jones.
I wonder if you'd care to partake of a nightcap.
Well, it is rather late.
Later than you think, Miss Jones.
Time is running out for me.
This is my September song.
You're not going to sing, are you?
Why don 't you dis...
Why don 't you dispose of yourself on the settee,
while I pour the drinks?
There's something I want to say to you.
- Well, just a quick one, Mr Rigsby.
- Yes.
Now do you mind if I si adjacent?
Here... here we are, then.
Now, what shall we drink to?
- Drink to?
- I know. Let's drink to amour.
- A more what?
- Amour.
- Love, Miss Jones.
- Oh, I don 't know.
Oh, yes, Miss Jones,
you mustn 't be afraid of amour.
You have so much to give, Miss Jones.
I'm not talking about a few...
(Blows)... stolen kisses behind the tennis club.
I'm talking about real... real love.
Love that knows no fear.
Is there a draft, Mr Rigsby?
Er... er... I don 't think so, Miss Jones.
Oh, Cherie!
If you...
Miss Jones, look at these fingers.
Oh, you should use a hand lotion, Mr Rigsby.
No, no, they're pianist's fingers, Miss Jones.
They're ready to play.
- But we haven 't got a piano.
- Oh, yes we have. You. You're the piano.
Yes, a finely tuned upright,
capable of great music.
All I've got to do
is run my hands over your keyboard.
The baton 's raised. The symphony begins!
Keep your hands off my keyboard!
- Oh, just a little trill...
- You keep away!
But, Miss Jones, I love you!
Do you? Or is it just my body you want?
Oh...
Yes, that as well,
but you're an attractive woman, Miss Jones!
- And you're a married man!
- That was years ago, during the war.
We were on ration then.
I've been on bloody ration ever since.
- What will people think?
- Oh, honi soit qui mal y pense, Miss Jones.
- Pardon?
- Oh, mon petite! Respondez, s'il vous plat!
- Help!
- Oh, dieu et mon droit!
Tonight, Miss Jones, the Earth is going to shake!
(Floorboards creak)
(Groaning)
(Coughing)
(Knock at door) Rigsby?
Rigsby?
Going somewhere, Seymour?
Er... yes, old boy. On my merry way.
Train to catch. Must fly.
Not yet.
- What's the matter?
- I want that money.
What money?
The money you've just taken.
It's in your pocket. And Ruth's, too.
(Laughs nervously) Philip, dear boy...
are you trying to ruin me?
Just hand it over, Seymour.
John was right about you. You are a fraud.
You don 't really want the money, do you?
I mean, I'm not the only fraud around here.
- What do you mean?
- Mbalo nkwesi njombo.
Pardon?
At least I have been to Africa,
which is more than you have.
You never did understand the Swahili, did you?
Well, I recognised the dialect.
Did you? Did you, indeed?
Well, that's strange, because... I just made it up.
And I've been watching the post.
All those letters from Croydon.
Terrible to think that's the nearest
you've ever been to the equator.
But don 't worry. I understand.
We're in the same boat, really.
We just want to be accepted.
We'll call it our little secret.
I mean, if they discovered
that you weren 't the son of a chief,
you'd never live it down, would you?
- I still want that money.
- Don 't be a fool.
RIGSB Y: Do what he said. Give him the money.
Come on. You heard.
What a pity. I almost got away with it.
You've got away with nothing.
I saw through you, mate. I've been watching you.
I was just waiting my time.
Inever thought you were a gentleman.
How would you know? Takes one to know one.
Anyway,
you thought he was the son of a chief!
You mind your own business. Bloody RAF!
How we won the war, I'll never know.
You were frightened of heights.
Spent more time bombing us than the Germans.
- Now, look, old man...
- Never mind "old man"!
Come on, out of here, Biggles,
before I put my boot up your arse!
Come on. Move!
- You're not the son of a chief, then?
- No.
- You haven 't got ten wives?
- No.
Where did you get them scars on your cheek?
I had them done at the arcade.
And the love wood? Where did that come from?
- It came off the wardrobe.
- It came?
My God,
you've had me burning my own furniture!
You've gone through here
like a whirling bloody dervish!
It's about time you learnt some respect, mate.
How do we know you're not the son of a chief?
- What?
- You look like the son of a chief.
Rigsby, I come from Croydon.
Croydon!
Ever heard of the slave trade?
One of your ancestors
went out to pick up a few mangoes.
Tap on his shoulder. He turned round.
Large gentleman in a fez.
Next thing he knows,
he's rowing hard for the West Indies.
No, you're the son of a chief, all right.
Bloody Croydon!
- Plaisir...
(Knock at door)
Come in.
Hello, Mr Rigsby.
- Do you think that ceiling will be all right?
- Yes I think so
As long as they don 't walk over the hole.
You're definitely off, then, Miss Jones?
Oh, yes, Mr Rigsby.
I just came to return this to you, Miss Jones.
Where did you get this from?
Where's Mr Seymour?
He's gone. He's left.
Left?
Gone on his merry way,
as the heartless swine put it.
We were going to go away together.
You drove him away!
No, Miss Jones,
Seymour was not all he pretended to be.
- Who is?
- He was just after your money, Miss Jones.
Don 't you think I didn 't know that?
That surprises you, doesn 't it?
Well, here's something that'll surprise you
even more. I thought it was worth it.
Miss Jones...
Oh, you think it's so funny,
a spinster making a fool of herself!
Watching her through the hole in the ceiling!
Well, you can have a good laugh now.
That hole's got even bigger.
Why don 't you ask your friends in
to have a good laugh? Ask the whole world in!
M ssss Jonoss, p oasso
I'll have the ceiling fixed,
Miss Jones, if only you'll stay.
No!
Why don 't you come down tonight
and have a bite?
- No!
- We could talk it over.
I don 't know. I need time to think.
- Yes, yes, of course.
- (Sobs)
Hey, you've got to hide me!
Sandra's father's looking for me.
Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a big bugger, isn 't he?
Well, it's your fault
for tampering with his daughter.
I haven 't tampered with her.
I've never tampered with anybody.
- You what?
- It's true.
You're a member of the permissive society.
(Doorbell)
- Oh, he's here.
You know where the erogenous regions are.
I know where the Himalayas are,
but I've never been up them.
God! What's everybody coming to?
You're all living in a dream world!
- A-ha!
- Hello Mr Cooper
- I've been looking for you. Excuse me.
- Certainly.
My Sandra is very upset.
She seemed to think you were engaged.
Well, we had an understanding.
She had the understanding.
I want to know what you had.
Now, I've got this letter.
You shouldn 't open that. It's not to you.
- It's written in green ink.
RIGSB Y: Oh, disgusting.
"I can 't wait to see you, mon ch? Ri.
Your body is like a finely tuned piano.
What music we'll make together.
Meet me tonight by the gate.
Don 't fail me. I am burning with desire.
Au revoir, mon petit.
PS.
Make sure old misery-guts is out of the way."
Old misery-guts! Very good! (Laughs)
You think that's funny?
I expected more concern from his father.
- His father?!
- You've got the same depraved expression.
Just a minute!
You're responsible for this permissive society.
I realise now Sandra's been lucky.
Fancy having you for a father-in -law!
Do you mind? I'm not his father!
Thank you very much!
And you shouldn 't have read his letter.
You people keep rabbiting on
about the permissive society.
Have you seen it? Of course not.
I'll tell you why. It doesn 't exist.
I ought to know. I've looked for it.
And I'll tell you this. It's no different.
So, don 't talk to me about trends.
Things are the same as they were
between a man and a woman. Go on.
You're not the first
to get kicked out of here today!
- Mr. Rigsby, you were marvelous!
- Thank you, Miss Jones.
You were magnificent.
I never realized you felt like that.
So eloquent, and so fearless.
Oh, yes, I've never known the meaning of fear.
Not since Anzio.
I was thinking, Mr Rigsby,
perhaps supper tonight would be rather nice.
You... you mean you're going to stay, then?
We could have it in my room.
Oh... l'll look forward to that, Miss Jones...
Er... Ruth.
So will I, Mr Rigsby.
I'm afraid I don 't know your first name.
Rupert.
- Rupert?
- Yes. Rupert Rigsby.
See you later... Rupert.
Right, Ruth.
(Vienna meows)
Oh, 'ey, Vienna!
I think we've cracked it at last, eh?
Ooh, nice piece of cod,
bottle of dry white wine... Geronimo! (Laughs)
Love Is The Sweetest Thing
(Hums)
(Meows)
(Crashing and thudding)
(Groans)
(Siren)
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's out there in the hall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's out there in the hall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's out there in the hall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's climbing up the wall
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all
Rising damp, it's gonna get us all