Road to Bali (1952) Movie Script

The Commonwealth of Austrailia.
Land of many frontiers.
Lone stepping stone across the
vast Pacific, to the mysterious
brooding islands of the of the Malasia.
Last outpost of the art and culture
of the western world.
Our story takes us to
Melbourne. The birthplace of Nelly
Malmer, the famous soprano....
Austrailia's gift to the American
Appearing here, as a token of
appreciation, for Melbourne's
glorious gifts are...
...two distinguished concert artists,
steeped in the traditions of
American's classical music.
You ready for this?
There he goes. One of our best
He had a tough time getting the
lead out of his feet, but there he
goes. I'll never forget. We were down in......
Don't bend the wardrobe.
Is this the bloke that popped the
Both of them did.
- Eunice.
- Harold.....oh darling, this is the
happiest day of my life.
Then why spoil it with a wedding?
But darling, I want to marry you, or
- Oh fine, I'll be best man. See ya!
- Boy, have I got something cooked up for you.
- Yeah? Put it int he deep freeze.'
Did a similiar situation occur in
Allentown in 47?
- Thanks for the memory.
- Let's get out of here fast.
This'll drive them crazy, when it
doesn't come back.
Yeah, come on.
You come back here.
Poor man may not have his teeth in
Gentlem, I told you. There are no
two actors travelling together on this train.
There's one of them.
Pilot to belly gunner, bailing out."
Wouldn't listen to me, would you?
Let's stow away on a boat to Frisco,
I said. No, no you said. Let's hop a rattler.
- You take the uppiest and I'll take the lower.
-You had a sub-lower. Besides,
look at the money I saved you on tip boy.
- Get plenty of fresh air you said.
- Not me, I said.
- Hide underneath you said.
-They'll never find you. I said.
- You're going to ride inside, keep
an eye out. - I said.
- You know what kills me?
You never listen to me. That's
what kills me. And where are we
now? We're lost!
- Come on, we've got some
travelling to do.
- On your feet elbow nose. Drop that beak.
The day I met you, there were
vultures in the sky. I should have
taken that for an omen.
They were blue birds. Now stop
worrying. I'll get you out of this.
Now look. Don't get me out of
things, stop getting me into things.
Will you?
Look Harold........
- I'll be darned.....French Poodles.
- No, they are sheep. We're saved.
I don't trust you, or the sheep.
Don't you see Harold? Wherever
there are sheep, there is a farm and
where there is a farm, there is a farmer and...
.....wherever there is a farmer , there
is a farmer's daughter.
- Now you're getting me into trouble again.
- Come on....
Walk, don't run.
You know? For a couple of guys on
the lamb, we're in pretty good company.
We're poor little lambs, who've lost
our way....
-That was helpful, wasn't it?
- Fred Murray must have played through here.
- Boy am I tired of that whiff and bluff song.
- Yeah, one more whif f and bluff....
We may be dirty, but we're healthy.
Everytime they dipped the sheep,
they dipped us.
Say....why don't we stick with them
when they get sheared too?
- I'm beginning to like it.
- What have we here?
Those are for argyle socks.
- Oh, let's get out of here.
- Here we go.
Ah, here we are.
Mighty attractive openings for fellas
who like work.
- This is for me.
- You can't cook.
- I can learn while you wash the dishes.
- No, no, no.....
I'll cook and you wash the dishes
and you can stack them behind
your ears to dry.
- Excuse me mates.
- You just come right in.
Scratch and scratch.
There goes the daily double.
What a pity. Just when I was going
to let you have your way.
Say, I haven't looked for work since
I was night watchman at Basser.
- Yeah, that was before we grew these.
- Yes, these electric razors.
There's nothing like them.
- Take a mowing machine to get
these hedges knocked off.
- Remember, we on the lamb, hiding.
-How long can you hold your breath?
- My breath? Well
Prince Ken Irak.....back again eh?
You must help me. I need sea divers.
Not a flaming chance, and you
know it.
Four divers shipped out to your
island already and they've never
came back.
Fine men too, but they met with
Accidents my eye. We all know
about Bogaten.
Bogaten is a legend.
Then why don't you get your own
people to dive?
If Bogaten is only a blooming
The people of Batu are
superstitious and still believe in witchcraft.
There ain't no witchcraft down there
Look here Prince. You couldn't get
any diver in Austrailia to take on your job.
Not for all the beer in Darwin.
Well Buster, looks like the deep sea
for us.
Hop along upstairs now to complete
the necessary arrangements.
Why me? Why don't you go up?
No elevator. Remember you are a
much younger man than I am.
Who isn't. Run along now.
- Excuse me sir?
- Yes?
- But are you a deep sea diver?
- Well, I'm just a graduate of UCUW.
That's Unversity of California Under
Water. American. Then
perhaps you would be interested in
a job that would bring you rich rewards.
Yes, of course......
.........candidly rich rewards do remove a
good deal of dullness from mere work,
I guess that true. What's the pitch?
Sunken treasure.
Treasure. Well, I'll have it up for you
in a jiffy. I must tell you one thing though.
I don't do the actual diving myself.
I have a boy for that. I remain on
deck and I operate the pump.
- Oh, but excellent.
- Your hand.
Yes sir, I'll have that treasure up in
two shakes of a lamb's tail. Believe
me, I know how to shake a lamb's tail.
Oh, there is one little thing I must explain.
You see, I'm not actually the diver. I'm the
top man. I have a friend who does the diving.
Is your friend experienced?
He's been underwater half of his
life. He used to be a lifeguard in a carwash.
Where is this island of yours
A few days journey, across the sea
on the road to Bali. You will love that too.
- It is an island paradise.
- Girls, huh?
- Could it be a paradise without girls?
- Welcome to the club.
Oh, I must cable mother to send my
other lips.
- Boy did I make a terrific deal.
-I knew you would. You little genius you.
- Congratulations.
- It's a deal boys.
Well, these threads are a little deep
for shoving off to paradise. We
ought to slip into our lines huh?
John will take care of your needs.
We will sail at sundown.
Sundown. Ah, that's perfect. I
freckle you know. Girls, paradise,
money......what a jackpot.
- And you did it all with your own
little....... - my own little head.
- Take our luggage will you?
- Here you are.
Now don't get these mixed up.
Mine is blue for boy.
Hey Sam. Is that the way all the
natives dress on your island?
- George, do you suppose?
- Not a chance.
Stick around folks....he could be
wrong you know!
- Cast off.
- Who?
Isn't it beautiful?
It's the tarplan of my father's clan.
Highness your cousin, Prince
Kenarock is here.
I will see him alone. You girls may
Hey, things are picking up.
- Taste the local architecture.
- Built like brick begodas.
- Welcome to Batu.
- They look like Americans.
- They look like Kenarock boys.
- They're not bad.
Do you think they are sailors?
- They've been expecting us. They must have
got our wires. - Well, we got to ration
ourselves down here you know.
- Let's forget the box and just head for the
high country. - I don't know which way
to turn, everything looks so good.
Well don't get tied down. This may
just be the older stuff you know.
- Oh no!
- What's that?
Eroll Flynn, he can't stand it.
Make yourselves available, huh kids?
Stand by, you'll hear from our local branch.
I'll sell you my suit size and everything with it.
Isn't it nice to know that we still have it.
- We got that old magic.
- That sea air must have recharged
our batteries.
- I feel like I've had a complete overhaul.
- Yeah, and if we can get our
speedometers turned back, we're in business.
Don't look now , but Abu and his
brother are still with us.
Don't worry about them. Let them
get their own girls.
I wonder if they massage?
Too bad my prayers were not
- Prayers? For me?
- Yes!
That you be washed overboard.
Despite your prayers, I managed to
obtain some excellent diving equipment....
... and two american divers. I think
our plan....
Our plan? I want no part of it.
Your two americans will die like all
the others.
It's just cold-blooded murder.
-How about those chicks huh?
- Steady, steady now. Remember Austrailia.
All that trouble.
Yes, we're not going to get involved
with girls again. Remember?
- Well.......
- Well.......
Your turn.
Your Highness, may I present our
Your Highness!
Gentlemen, you are in the presence
of my cousin, Princess Lala.
Well the name is Bridley, Princess.
Harold Bridley.
Sportsman, racketure, polo player
and all-around good egg.
Welcome to Batu gentlemen.
George Cockran at your service
Your Highness.
- Continental?
- Oh go run and play with the
peasants. I'll take care of Your Royal Highness.
- Do you always fight over girls?
- Well what else is there to fight over?
We've never had any money.
That's for Washington.
Now let's be fair, be fair Leroy. If
you can't pay, you do time.
Follow me gentlemen.
We're coming.
They have become friendly.
- That is a bad omen.
- Omens are for old women.
Sharks will soon be picking their
This kid carries her own antenna.
- Man, this is quite a quonset.
- Amazing what you can do with a G-I loan.
They must have gambling here.
She was my mother. Queen
Tomma of Batu.
- Beautiful.
-And he was my father.
Didn't anybody in the family wear
the pants?
Colorful old chap, wasn't he? He
must have gotten around some.
Father sailed a merchant ship that
docked here. He liked the island,
met mother and remained.
- I'd like to remain her myself.
- You're reading my mind.
- You're the one that always wants
to go home. - I'm home!
-Something wrong Princess?
You must be very tired after your
voyage. You must rest before.....
- Before what?
- Before tonight. I'm having a feast in your honor.
- Run out to the car and get my
finger bowl, huh?
- Will you need your chopsticks?
- Just my fork and a pusher.
- I may join you.....l think you'll...
Hey, not bad without a reservation huh?
- Rest well. I will see you tonight.
- Leave a call or we'll call you later.
Here! Here!
Don't over match yourself old man.
- We may get a little rain later.
- Oh bug that.
-Gee, what a spot this is.
- Isn't this lush.
Would you like me to shoot you a
squirrel before your nap sir?
- Lou wouldn't do that Daniel Boone.
- I might knock off a rodent.
This'll do for me George, this will do it.
-Good night all.
- Hey, get your shoes off. You're in
a palace.
I've always wanted to play at a
Draw the blinds pal. It's siesta time
for Sophie.
Very well sir.
- Man, I could spend the rest of my
life in a joint like this.
- You say that everytime you get in a bed.
I'm in a haze. That Lala intoxicates me.
- Could be. She's half scotch.
- Yeah, and me for a chaser.
Just don't get another hangover.
I'd better get some black polish.
This may be formal tonight.
Say Hagas? What is it McBagas? Have you
heard the latest about McTavish? What's he
done now? He's living on the roof.
- Why would he be living on the roof?
- He heard someone say the "drinks
were on the house".
The drinks are on the house. You
know what we......
Thanks. You're a pal. Not mine,
but you're a pal.
- Sit here. Are you kidding.
-He takes that large economy size.
Next week it's my turn to wear the girdle.
- Why don't you entertain us a little.
Why don't you do your disappearing act.
Oh, I know that one. You mean the
hindu rope trick.
I'm sure you've heard of it. As a
matter of fact, it's impossible.
This must be the one, where they
throw the rope up in the air, climb
up and disappear.
- It's nothing. It's sort of a mass hypnosis.
- Where did you learn words like that?
This kid was drummed out of
kindergarten for cheating on fingerpainting.
- I was framed.
- Now watch!
What else it new?
Watch it governor, I think this calls
for me.
Here, here. I'll be in the balcony.
I've heard about vanishing
cream...but vanishing blubber.
Fight him off Princess. Here comes
Jack of the Beanstalk.
Down boy, down boy.
How's the beast in the penthouse?
- Ah, space cadet returns.
- Did you get my card Jacques?
I had a wonderful time, I'm glad you
were here.
-Very funny. It's easy for you to get up there.
- Oh come's mass hypnosis.
Mass hypnosis, you're full of
helium. Say how about a little black
magic for me Princess?
Here's an exciting bit of hokus pokus.
- If a cobra comes out of there, it's yours.
- I'll split it with you.
Pay your dues.
- I wouldn't believe it if I saw it.
- I saw it and I wouldn't believe it.
I'm starting to believe it.
In scout camp they had basket
weaving and I took up wood-working.
Give me the pipe. I'm going into
business for myself.
I'll check with you in a fortnight.
- He's always eager to improve himself...
...always trying to pick up something new.
What about you and I seeking out some
dale where you and I can discuss.....
- George, I must talk to you and Harold.
- Oh forget about Harold. He's a
hustler, a philanderer.
Let me tell you something. He ran
out on a very lovely girl down in
Austrailia. And on their wedding day too.
- I think he's attractive.
- I can't hear you. Not reaching me at all.
- I think you're attractive too.
- Contact.
Actually, as a matter of fact, there's nothing special
about me. I'm just an average, all-around american
boy with an excess of charm.
- Harold told me that too.
-About me? About him. So
conceited that man.
Delightful place you have here
Princess. lt'd be lovely just to lay
around here and grow old.
George! You and Harold will never
grow old, unless you escape at once.
- Escape? My cousin Kenarock is a scheming
murderer. - He's a very nice guy. A little
formal, a little cold perhaps.......
You do not know him. He has sent
many men to their death, at sea.
- Physical too huh?
- Kenarock will let nothing stand in
his way of ambition.
Years ago my father set out for Bali
to sell a valuable chest of jewels....
....the boat sank on a reef outside of
our lagoon...
...neither my father nor the jewels
have ever been recovered.
That's the treasure they want us to
haul out of the sea, huh?
Many have tried, but none have
- They offered us 50,000 gilda to get it.
- You must escape tonight!
No Princess. You're looking at a big
gilder man.
- You must go, I tell you.
-Down in the wreck of the boat
- Boga who?
- Bogatan, a giant squid.
-Let him live a little.
This squid is a terror. He's an
enormous monster, with bone-
crushing tentacles, a man-eater.
- It means certain death to the diver.
- Certain death to the diver huh?
- Harold laughs at death.
- We must warn him, tell him about Bogatan.
I don't know. I may have some
trouble talking him out of this. He
loves a challenge this boy.
Death is his bread, danger his
- You've got to convince him.
- You've got to butter him up good.
- Where can he be? What can he be doing?
Hootwha, oh what a hoot.
- What a business! I finally learned
that trick.
- Who ran second? Well, I was.....
I've been playing this flute all night.
Georgette, stash that in the icebox,
will you please?
- Thank you Zza Zza. Listen, don't
you ever disappear like that on me again.
- I was worried into a postive tizzy about you.
- You worry? Yes I was. About me?
- Yes I was. About me? Certainly!
268. Well bless your big fat
motherly heart. What's to worry?
Well in spite of everything I had to
say, I put in plenty of knocks...that
palpitating Princess is all in a twiter over you.
- Me? Really?
- Yes!
- This girl is not only charming, she's intelligent.
- You'd better be careful boy, she'll
marry you and make you a prince.
You'll spend the rest of your miserable life just
lolling around, munching mangoes, falling apart
and having girls wait on you and stuff like that.
-I can't let this happen to you.
- You're all I've got. I'll buy you a dog.
Destiny calls the young Prince.
- Surely you can't want this?
- Well, it's a living.
Okay pal. I won't stand in your way.
I guess after all, I blew it. I goofed.
I told her what a hero you are.
Boy, what a relief.
Just think, tomorrow at dawn, you'll
be coming up out of the water with the treasure.
- Have a big suptious wedding.
Yeah dancing girls, coconut
frappes, music.....
- Hey, how I'm I coming up with the treasure?
- Because you're going down for it.
- Oh I see......
Wait a minute! Not me! No I even
get the bends when I'm ducking for apples.
-You're the diver?
- I'm the diver? Yeah, you're the diver.
Oh Harold! You don't know what this means
to mean. This is the nicest thing you've ever
done. Letting me be Lala's number one boy.
- Well this changes everything.
- I thought I was Lala's boy?
But you resigned. It's all mine now.
I go down a pauper and come up a Prince.
- No, no. If that's the way it's going
to be, I'm going to be dunked.
- Oh no, no. It's too dangerous.
I laugh at danger.
Okay, if you insist. You get the
jewels, you get the Princess.
I get the jewels, I get the Princess
and I couldn't happen to a nicer girl.
Look don't fool with the fun fl ute
unless you check with the master. is time.
My Princess is impatient. Valdimir,
lay out my top hat, white tie and swim fins.
Very good sir.
-Harold, are you sure you know
what you're doing?
- Do I know what I'm doing, you lucky girl!
- So George told you.
- Exhale a little bit, I want to slip
this over your head.
Say you haven't got anything in
straw, with a wider brim and a long
oval have you? No you wouldn't have that.
Just try it on for size. Any size will
do. This kid's head is a little pointy.
He takes anything from a 3 to a size
8. Suck in your nose dear.
- There we are. Oh, there you are.
I'd ask you in, but it's a little crowded in here.
- How can you two joke.
- Oh it's easy when you are brave.
-Oh he's plenty brave, this fellow.
- I take brave pills.
Tell her about the time at Catilina
when I got the big barge off the
bottom.....oh was she heavy.
- Oh, but a lovely girl.
- Yeah, she was a big.....
Here Anette, you may want to do
your nails down there. Thanks, he
usually sticks it in my back you know.
- ake two, we're having a one-set sale.
- Don't forget my Roy Rogers water pistol.
- Want to take a plumber's helper
down with you?
- No, I work alone you know.
- Before you go down, I want you to think again.......
- No, no, no. No time to start
thinking, he going to start sinking.
How about a kiss for your hero, just
for luck huh?
- Sorry madame, next window please.
- Remind him of Bogaten.
- Oh well, Bogaten.
- Bogaten......
Hey, where's he running. Just a
second. Lean in here will you?
- Oh you should have thought of that before
- Oh you should have thought of that before
Oh no, we can't go through that
again. If your wool underwear
starts to itch, it will just have to itch.
- Well get me another pair of hands for inside.
- Oh, I thought you worked alone.
Oh, but this is different.
- Should've put some water in the radiator.
- We could have made a cup of tea.
That is enough. Over the side.
- Thanks pal. I'll bring you back
some saltwater taffy.
- Tie it tight sugar.
- Say write if you fi nd work, will you?
- Geronimo!
-We're gone.
- Hey, I've got it.
- Yeah, what?
-The treasure. Brown wooden box,
brass handles, big lock.
- Yes, that's it George.
-Come on, come on. Grag the loot and scoot.
- Drop me a hook boy.
Lower the line and stand by.
- What is it? What's the matter buster?
- Bogaten, it can only be Bogaten.
Hey, never mind that treasure, pull
my pal up.
We haven't got time now. Back to
the pump. Come on we'll pull him
to the surface.
- Get it up close now, so I can grab
Easy now. Easy does it. Here he comes.
Hey buster, you Okay? Exhale a
little. Exhale just once.
-Buster, hey buster.
- George! Look out!
He's not in there.
Obviously Bogaten has claimed the
American. Now Lala, it is time to
feed the sharks.
- Put down that gun!
- Your days of telling me what to do are over.
Without you, I have the island, the
jewels, everything!
For this moment, I have waited all
my life.
You try to put the finger on us boy
and you'll have a lot of trouble with
your breathing.
-Who's there.
- I'm just closing the gate.-
- Slap happy this boy.
Now he worries about me.
- We're proud of you.
- We thought you were gone.
- Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep.
-Good thing he's a coward huh?
He's wonderful.
- Oh, it was nothing. I had him in a
headlock, but he hit me with an ink bottle.
Hey look.
We can not go back to Batu. He
will have our throats cut.
- Oh, that would hurt my high notes.
- Might help, we could sing duets.
We must go on to Bali. There we
can sell the jewels. We must sail at once.
- I'll pack. Hey wait a minute.
- I want to ask you something.
- How did you get out of that suit?
- Out of the diving suit? Well it was easy......
I was down at the bottom and I......
- Think, this stuff is real.
- Yeah, and it's worth millions
George, millions!
- Looks like Ali Caan's garbage can.
- Yeah, the top layer.
- I think I'll have cuff links made out of these.
- Do you think this is too much?
- No, I think that'll work.
- Well you know, if you wear it right.
Oh Lala's all mine. What a parle huh? You
know the first thing I'm going to do when
I become Prince is pass a community property law.
- That cuts me in right away.
- What line what form.
- Fantastic.
- Let me put this under canvass.
Let me see this.
-Shame on you. You're a grown man.
- Well, she's a grown girl.
- I wonder where you grow this stuff.
- If you find out, give me a call.
- I'll be topside. I've got to take my
turn at the wheel.
- Slow down, back, back, back.
-Gee, you're pretty alert aren't you? - More than
you know. I've got these counted you know.
Really? One, two, three, four....
- Well, I'll see you.
- Whoa, whoa, check it out.
- How did that get in there, I
wonder? These are not vitamin pills you know.
How did my school teacher get in
-Take this on a weekend.
He's going to sing folks. Now's the
time to go out and get the popcorn.
Only two more of these sliverly
nights, and we'll be in Bali.
-I kind of hate to think of leaving you Lala.
- You mustn't think of it, because
you mustn't do it.
I've been away a long, long time.
I've got to get back. Catch some
ball games, see how the Pirates are doing.
- You still have pirates in America?
- Yeah, but they are nothing to be
afraid of. Probably hiding in the cellar someplace.
It's a fantastic place, the U.S.A. Lala. Take a town,
take any town, like the garden spot of North
Lush, picturesque riveria of the
middle west.
-For example, Toledo, Ohio.
- Toledo, Ohio...
- Oh it sounds beautiful. Such a musical name.
- Oh it's a music town, a jukebox in
every bowling alley.
- Lala? Will you go to America with
me? George! I mean marry me
and go to America with me.
- Oh it would be wonderful, but what
about Harold?
- We could adopt him.
- Adopt him?
- Of course we'd have to send him
away to school.
- Little late for that, isn't it?
-Oh no baby. He's gotta go sometime
you know. - That's enough! Why you
collapsible como you!
- You and your "Pirates".
- At least they're in the major league.
- That's so underhanded.
- That's gratitude for you.
I try to plan your education and you
turn on me like a mad dog.
I wish I were a mad dog. I'd give
you the sniffer. Don't plan my
education. I'm illiterate enough now.
- Listen Lala, if you're going
anywhere, you're going with me.
- Oh no she's not.
- I don't know what to do.
- George, shouldn't you go beddy-bye?
Beddy-bye? And leave you here with
this Malinese pound cake? Lala, you've
got to make up your mind, and right now.
Oh, that's not way to talk to your
mother. Listen Mom.
- It's Lala, Lala, not Mama.
You promised to marry me if I got
the treasure, didn't you?
- What!? She didn't promise you, I did.
- You know what a liar I am. Oh,
so that's it?
You're up here pitching with this
doll, while I'm down there adlibing
with that deep-sea claw machine.
- Harold, Harold.....I do love you.
- Oh, I thought so.
-But I love George too.
- Well, if you like the other
generation, they're restful.
- I'm so confused...
I love you for what you are.
- A liar.
I love Harold for what he was.
Sometime. Somewhere.
- The kid's gone. She's in sections.
-We'd better get to the bottom of this.
- Yeah, let's get to the bottom of this.
- What was I? Where? When? Probably
some agonizing episode from her childhood.
We'll have to probe the
subconscience with a little psychology.
Lie down dear. Lie down. Easy.
- Are you comfy?
- Yes doctor.
- There's a lot of quack in this boy. Now Lala.
- We want to delve into your past.
Way back into your childhood.
Well, when I got to be 6 or 7,
I remember I was terribly lonely....
I had no one to play with, until one
day my father brought me a little companion.
Come Sandy. Come play with me.
Please Sandy.
- Sandy...
- Not me, you've got the wrong monkey.
Well, I'll leave it up to you Lala. Do
you want me for who I am...
... or do you want this chump for the
chimp he used to be?
- Kick it around a while. I'm going
downstairs to peel buster a banana.
- Play with your mice while you are there.
- Say now that the imposter's gone, why don't
we...... - Harold, the wheel. You'd better
take it. These are dangerous waters.
- Coral wreaths, racing currents.
-But baby I've got racing currents of my own.
-You and George certainly are romantic.
- George? I use him for a warm-up boy.
Send him ahead on all these situations.
But speaking of lardhead, how did you
like his singing?
- Oh, it was beautiful.
- Princess I've got news for you. He
can't sing a note.
I do all the singing. He just mouths
a little.
He's part of my warm-up. And I've
got to sing slow because if he
mouths too fast, his plate starts to slip.
You see, I'm a ventriloquist. That's
part of our act. I'll show you.
-How are you down there?
- Fine. How are you?
- You see......
- Harold, the wheel.
- Harold!!!
-Hornblow....Horatio....come on
Captian Hornblow. Captain?
What have we got here?
He always did gulp his food, you
know. We may get his appendix
her in a minute.
Aha! One of the bobbles. I think
we should have this lad floroscoped.
- Are you all right?
- What happened? Is the picture over?
- You're fine now, you're all right.
Just relax - There must be a
village on this island somewhere.
You think so? We can buy another
boat and go on to Bali.
- Say, that's a real crazy anthill.
- They've got a hotel with hot and
cold running lava.
Look......a bottle.
- Hey, hey look. There's a message in it.
- What does it say?
It says: "Return this bottle to Sam's
Supermarket for 3 cents deposit."
Isn't it a pity. Every movie has got
to have a message.
Let's get out of this bunker huh?
We'll go this way.
- Hold it, hold it.
-What? Just a minute.
I haven't been smacked in the face
this much since my first rumbleseat.
- Let's change places.
- Push on Princess.
Whoa, whoa. Something wrong
here. Look, let me go ahead.
I'll break the trail, before it breaks me.
Lead on Livingston.
- Say, isn't he breaking trail a little high.
An animal snare. - Now we know there
are people on this island.
Hey, there's people up here too.
- I wonder what the locals are like?
- I hope they're not cannibales or headhunters.
I hope they're orange pickers.
I want to get off this tree.
- Oh stop squawking.
- You'll fall off when you are ripe.
I feel like a windsock.
- Hey, where are you going.
-Quiet, somebody is coming.
Hi. Hi. Go ahead.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Who was that? That's my brother
Bob. I promised him a shot in the picture.
- He's handsome.
- It's a family characteristic.
Help! Get me down! My brain is
rushing to my head.
- Harold?
- Oh yeah, the dangler. Let's get
the sap out of the tree.
-This is the sloppiest hanging I've
ever attended. -ou're saved.
A pardon just came from the Governor.
- Easy now. Steady.
- Say, wish I had a shot of this for
the Tuna club now.
Upsidaisy, let's get him up. Be
careful now.
Oh, I'll never say bottoms-up again.
You got me down just in time. I was
getting tan in the wrong places.
Put your weight on this tree and
hold it. I'll cut the palm. Are you all right?
I'm fi ne. The blood is coming back
to my toes. Now if I could get my
toes back to my feet.
Your sinuses are up-dated.
Where did he go now? Oh this boy
loves to travel. Come on, we'll
bring him a band-aid.
- Harold?
- This way nurse. And bring my toy boats.
- Harooold?
- Over here!
- Buster! Come on out of there.
- Not me, I'm staying out here
where it's safe.
Hurry now, get out of there. Look in
back of you!
I got you, I got you. Yeah, but he
got ahold of me!
Hey, I feel a breeze. A breeze?
Well, I'll be darned. Colored
television, widescreen too....
Really? Am I there? Just your
best angle. Wish I had my rearview mirror.
The African Queen.
Humpfrey Bogard...
Boy is he lost!
Hey Bogie...?
Hey, jungle fever. That's what we
got. That was just a mirage.
Yeah, well what about this.
Humphrey's academy award.
An Oscar. Give me that, you've got
Friends.....this is a great occasioin,
me receiving this academy award...
And I'd like to say a word....
Run! That's the word.
-Well, what've we got here? A jungle motel?
- It's a little south for a Brown Derby isn't it?
Hello, anybody home? I'm a
member of the automobile club.
- This is cold. There's been nobody
here for some time.
- We can spend the night here.
Yeah, I'll go sign the register.
Princess Lala, the Honorable
George Cockran and man servant.
- Hey, I found a gun.
- So we heard.
- Oh, that's wonderful. Now one of
you can go out and hunt for food.
- Oh so right Lala.
Say here Annie Oakley. Run out
and shoot us a filet mignon,
medium rare huh?
- Don't hurry. Wait a minute.
- You're the sharp shooter.
This boy played second shotgun
with the Spike Jones band.
Not me, the last thing I shot was
two sixes.
Please, will one of you go out and
hunt for food before it gets too dark.
Okay, here's what we do. The
winner stays here with Lala.
Damn, those republicans are
- That's the junior branch.
- Harold?
- Couldn't sleep huh?
- No.
- Neither could I and for the same reason.
May I sit down?
Little chilly isn't it? You need
something around you. Preferably me.
- Oh, this is so peaceful.
-Yeah, it's what I've always wanted.
Fireside, home, backyard with
flowers, a vegetable garden.
A couple of oil wells.
A home. That's what every girl
dreams of.
I'll make your dreams come true then.
- What about George?
- Well, we can always make him our
Of course we'd have to lock up the liquor.
-Shall we build up the fire?
I'm in flames now, Lala.
- Life girl.
- I never knew love could be such a problem.
- What's the problem?
Auntie M, our chaperon is asleep in there.
- What do we do when we get to Bali.
- You're going to marry me, naturally.
Aren't you?
- Well, I......
- Yes?
Dumbo? Why do you cut into my
- I'm singing
- You'll never go any place with your
singing. You can't even cry.
- I may have a nervous breakdown in this spot.
- Have one up in the tree will ya?
Yes, I'll say hello to your relatives.
- Harold! George! Get up! Quick!
- What's the matter? Is the bus leaving?
Look out......
It's a female gorilla. It must be the
dead one's mate.
The winner and new champion.
- I'd better put out the cat.
- That guns no good. No.
No? Watch this!
Where did it go?
We may as well relax. We could be
here all night.
- Yeah, let's dig in.
- Call the command post huh?
Hey, wake up. She's not here.
Lala is gone
- Maybe some dirty rat kidnapped her?
- Oh, couldn't be. We're both here.
-Boy, isn't that a beautiful picture?
- Yeah, when does the tide go out?
- How come we don't fall.
- Paramount wouldn't dare. At your age!
Shall we then? Inhale.
- Hey, come on out of there.
- Yeah, time's a wasting.
-I'll see you back at the hut.
- Oh no. We couldn't leave a poor
defenceless girl like you out in the jungle.
You need two defenceless men to
protect you.
Speak for yourself.
- All right. Turn your heads.
- My hair ribbon is gone.
-Hair ribbon? What about your wrap?
- You stay there while I get dressed.
- "What about your wrap." That's nice talk.
- I was just asking.
- Cover up your eyes, like she said.
You never want to have any kind of
fun. That's my type of girl, the
atheletic type.
- When the right type of girl comes along, you'll
be swept off your feet. - My type of girl is right
back there, I want to tell you that.
I know all about swimming. I used
to grease them for the channel swim.
Plenty of boy left over.
Oh George. Come on, cut it out will
you? Quit kidding.
Hey, hey help! GEORGE!
Oh Harold, you pick up with the
darnest people.
George! George, where'd you go?
- Buster, don't get excited now.
Play it real cool. Don't antagonize
her. That's the dead gorilla's mate, buster.
What does she want? Revenge?
No, no I'm afraid not.
- Hurry George, this kid's a
junvenille deliquent.
- Keep cool!
- Keep it cool? I'm numb!
- I'll think of something.
- George!!!
- Keep it cool!
- Why am I attractive to young widows?
- I don't like the look in her eyes.
Get a rock, a club, anything. Kill
one of us! - Okay..
Sing to her. You know, music has
charm to soothe the savage beast.
Breast, that is. BEAST, BREAST,
Down baby. Down girl. I've got a
Soothe her, soothe her! SING!!!!
Keep singing, and if you get tired,
call Gary.
Help! Help! Harold, George, help!
- They're after me.
- Who?
- The natives!
Get the jewels and run! Keep
working. The natives are here. SING!
- I'm singing.
- Didn't I tell you to sing! Go, go.
Mosquitoes. A rear guard action.
- It's a poison dart.
- What? Call an ambulance, I'm wounded.
-They got you hun? Tell me this is
only a vitamin shot honey.
- This is a doctor G.
It won't kill you. It will just cause
muscular convulsions and then a coma.
Doctor G means: The Laughing Twitch.
Go sit in the audience if you're
going to laugh like that....
- I wish I was the little pig that stayed home.
- Don't worry until they put an apple
in your mouth, then you're in trouble.
- What's this kid?
- How many times have I told you,
don't play with your food.
- Don't play with the.....FOOD??!
Vermon! Crawling maggots!
Say, did you hear that kid's mother?
Those cats are cannibals.
- Maybe they're only headhunters.
- ONLY headhunters!?
This is the only head I've got. I'm
very attached to it.
- Do you mean they throw the rest away?
- Right now I wish I were back with
that sweet lovely gorilla.
I'm carrying a little bit of a torch for
her myself.
- Oh, the bar-b-que boys are back.
- You keep your hands off of me.
- Well they took her. Why'd they take just her?
-Maybe they start with the dessert first huh?
I wonder where they are going?
Oh they can't really be
Hey, what are those?
Popscicles? They look like my draft
On your knees woman. On your
knees to Boomada.
I kneel to no one.
- That's scotch weave. Where did
you get it?
- Long ago, from a white man.
He wore it like the skirt of a woman.
This man, was he called McTavish?
Yes, that is how he was called. Macatavish.
Macatavish was my father.
You are Princess Lala? Your father
was my good friend.
till warm in my heart. You are his
daughter. Anything you wish for
shall be done.
21 gong salute.
Just listen to that, will you. For
whom the bells toll.
I saw that picture. Very few laughs.
Even Gary Cooper got killed.
- Well, I don't mind getting killed.
But they're going to torture us.
- I couldn't stand torture. Me neither.
They're not going to torture me.
It hurts.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Yeah, you ready?
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Yeah, you ready?
Then Your Highness has no
problem. Here on Nuata, a woman
can have as many husbands as she can afford.
- I can marry them both?
- Why not? White women have
many husbands too.
But only one at a time. Here we do
not like the installment plan.
Marry them both. Oh that is
wonderful Boomada.
Happiness is like smoke in the
wind. So quickly gone.
Let it be done now, at once.
See to it that the two white men are
prepared for a Royal wedding to the
Royal wedding? Mazeltoph!
Now we will visit our chief.
Wait a minute, you ain't cooking me
in no oil. You can eat me!
I'm skinny, I'm stringy, I'm tough. I'll
give you indigestion.
- We will not eat you.
- Oh no, you are to be married.
- Now wait a minute, I'm not going
to marry you!
Eat me! Kill me! I'm fat, I'm puff,
I'm delicious.
- No unpleasant aftertaste. Go ahead.
- You will not marry me.
You will marry the Princess of Batu.
You mean Lala? So, she finally
came to her senses.
Lala. What is this, my trusseau?
Reminds me of a blind date I once
had in Cleveland.
That's perfect. You may proceed to
groom the groom.
Oh poor George. This will kill him.
Oh well, some of us have it and
some of us don't.
But I feel like such a cad having so
much of it.
I've been able to undress myself,
since I was 17.
Well, I see my wedding headdress
is back from the dentist.
Ah, ah, easy on the cologne. Let's
be subtle, shall we?
I feel so delirious happy!
Some of us have it, some of us
don't. Poor Harold.
He must have misplaced it.
- You may pour just a little cooking
sherry huh?
You are every bit as beautiful as I
have been told Princess Lala.
- Chief Rameanna has heard of me?
- Yes, my dear cousin.
- Kennerok!
- It is good to see you Lala and this too.
- That's mine you thief.
- Not a thief my cousin, but a matchmaker.
My dear wives are aging rapidly.
They bore me.
You Princess will bring youth into
my home.
-Youth! It's wonderful!
- No! NO!
- This can not be.
- Silence!
Take the Princess into the bridal hut.
-She has spirit too.
- In the morning, in the light of
reason, she will agree to our bargin Rameanna.
You can not do this. She has given
her heart to the two Americans.
- Those white mice?
- I have an idea.
Instead of their hearts, Lala shall
have their heads.
Shrunken, so. They make lovely bedpost
But Rameanna. Listen to the
wedding dance. Already, the two
grooms are being prepared.
We can not stop this ceremony
without insulting the Gods and your people.
- Why not have your ceremony.
With two grooms and no bride!
Excellent! Two grooms and no bride.
NO! Rachan, the God of the
sleeping volcano, will not permit the
sacrilege of a wedding without a bride.
Who rules this island. Is it you or
the volcano?
You are right. I rule this island. I!
Not the volcano!
Raschan, God of the sleeping
volcano, do you approve of this action?
- You see?
- A silly superstition for old women.
- You do not fool Rameanna with
your ventiloquism.
Now go. Attend the wedding of the
two grooms.
Without the bride.
- Say muscles, is the bride going to
wear one of these too? - Yes.
Well, I'm game if she's game. We'll
win the door prize for sure.
Hey wait a minute. Does the
Princess wear one of these too? - Yes.
This could lead to a ticklish
situation. Ah, nice fit.
Let the wedding ceremony begin.
The wedding wine is ready.
No bride.
On with the ceremony.
With this wine, I pronounce you
man and wife.
Take them away. Advise me when
they awaken.
I have plans for them.
Lala's mine.
- Ah honey.
- Lala?
- There's a man in bed with us.
-Yeah, I got a hold of him.
- You!
- You!
- Hey, hey, what's the idea?
Somebody switched roommates on me.
- Where's my wife? This woman is a man.
- You do not have a wife.
- Are you kidding Jack? I'm prince
Harold of Attou.
- You? I married Lala.
- You did not marry the Princess.
- I married her.
- You did not marry her.
- I put on this bug-eyed beenie.......
- I sweated my way into that pullover......
- and I got feathers up my...
- What?
- One of us has got to go to Reno.
- Let's hurry before one of us gets grabbed.
-Where's Lala?
- Princess Lala is to become the
seventh wife of our chief.
What becomes of us?
You have five minutes to live.
- Will we feel it?
- No we use sodium penterium.
-Oh that's sweet.
- Isn't that thoughtful?
I guess this is it.
At least we're going out together.
- We've been through a lot together
old pal.
I can't complain though. We've had
a lot of laughs.
I just hope in your heart of hearts
you can forgive me for the few little
bitty times I tried to con you.
There's a storm coming up her huh?
I forgive you George. I know you've
always meant well.
I must have been a trial to you.
Say, we might get postponed here
on account of rain.
Well Harold, you know of course,
I don't have to tell you what you've
meant to me.
We've been through so much
.....and here we are in life, in death
we face it together.
We got to get Lala.
Help! Help!
- I'll get her, I'll get her.
- What do you mean? I'll get her.
Help. Help.
All this meat and no tomato.
-Are you all right honey?
- Yes dear!
Come on, let's get away from this
weenie roast. We've got the jewels.
Yeah, I don't want to be a rich
Say, look at all that rice growing
down there.
Yeah rice. It's symbolic.
- Yeah, in puddings and weddings eh Princess?
Look, a ship.
- We're saved.
- We must get to the beach.
- ey, the ship's captain can perform the ceremony.
- I'll take care of my own wedding
arrangements, if you don't mind.
- If you're a real nice boy, I'll let you
give the bachelor's dinner.
- You're a little heavy, but you can be flower girl.
- This girl is marrying me buster.
- This kid needs me.
- Now wait just a minute here. All right!
- Let's settle this once and for all
before we get on the ship.
- Let's toss a coin. Coin?
- We're tabed. I got a better idea.
We'll indian wrestle.
Oh no. Last time I won, you gave
me an indian. Here, let Lala decide.
- We'll draw straws.
- Yeah!
If she draws a long straw, she gets
me, a short one, you.
- I'll hold the straws.
- Please, please.
I've already made up my mind.
- Tough luck old man.
- Tough luck old man.
-I'm sorry Harold.
- You pick him?
- Yes.
- Oh how near-sighted can you be?
Cheer up Buster. You'll fi nd
someone. Try the lonely hearts club huh?
Lala is the only girl in the world for me.
Say, you've got your basket there.
Now if you just had your magic
flute, you'd be in business.
- Well.....just so happens....
- That's my galant little man, he's
always thinking.
- Jane Russel.....oh wing ding!
Hey, wait a minute. What are you
going to do with two girls?
That's my problem....
Hey, come back. Wait for me.
Oh no you don't. Stay right where
you are folks. This picutre isn't over yet.
Hey wait....
- Oh no you don't, no you don't!
Stay sitting. Hey
No, stay right there! George!
Get the writers, get the producers,
get my agent. Get a girl.
This is sabotage.