Road to Morocco (1942) Movie Script

''Flash! The freighter,
Star of Capetown,
''was sunk today off
the north coast of Africa...
''by a mysterious explosion.
''All hands accounted for
with the exception of...
two unidentified
Look at us.
Two on a raft,
sunny side up.
''I'll tell you how to get home.
We'll stow away,'' you said.
''No, sir,'' I said.
''Don't be a sap,'' you said.
''We're stowing away,
and that's that,'' you said.
''No, sir.''
What a brilliant
conversationalist you are!
I took one look at that
crate and knew it would
blow up in our faces.
Wait till they find out who
was smokin' in the powder room.
Never mind that.
Look at us--
Food gone,
water gone.
What's that bulge
in your pocket?
Oh, that's--
Yeah, that.
That's an old
tobacco pouch.
When did you
start smokin' a pipe?
Ever since this morning,
cigarettes make me nervous.
You went to the store
and got tobacco?
You notice--
That's clever.
Come on, dig.
Hand it over here.
Let's see, reach.
I forgot.
I figure two of'em for
one of us is better...
than one of'em
for two of us.
You can spit
your teeth in there.
Just dunk it lightly.
we gotta face it.
We may be days and days
without seeing a ship or land.
We're gonna get
mighty hungry.
- What do you mean, get hungry?
- We'll toss a coin.
What's the date?
Pretty close...
1911 .
That's the way it goes--
somebody loses, somebody wins.
So you win the nickel!
See if you can find any
white meat on that buffalo.
I got a T.L. for you.
We tossed for something
much deeper than that.
I remember a story
about two fellows like us,
They tossed a coin, too.
They figured there's no use
both of them starving.
The fellow who survived used
to tell his grandchildren
about his pal's sacrifice.
That's very--
Wait a minute.
What pal's sacrifice?
I don't know, though.
You should've
eaten more oatmeal.
You're kind of scrawny.
I don't think you'd
do me more than a week,
and there's no icebox aboard.
Jeff, you're losing
your buttons.
You mean, you'd eat me,
without vegetables?
Calm down,Junior.
I'm not gonna do
anything right away.
I might not do
anything for a week.
Not until I get desperate.
You wouldn't like me.
Once I bit my tongue
and I tasted awful.
Jeff, don't--
Turkey, look!
Am I seeing things?
What is that
over there?
Land! Land!
We're saved!
We're saved!
Hey! Hey!
A submarine!
Man the pumps!
Man the pumps!
Last stop!
Got a stone
in my shoe.
Wait a minute!
I hope Aunt Lucy's
lookin' down...
and seein' the way
you're treating me.
You gonna stuff
Aunt Lucy down
my throat again?
Never mind. She saw you tossin'
the coin and lickin' your chops.
You're certainly sloughing off
your promise to her.
Aunt Lucy... I can see her now
lying on her dying bed...
lookin' at you with those
big, trusting eyes.
''Before I go,Jeff, promise me
one thing,'' she said.
''Promise me you'll always be
a friend to little Orville.
''No matter what happens, you'll
never leave the little jerk.
Promise me,Jeff.
Promise me,'' she said.
Then she up and died before
I had a chance to say no.
Who you shushing?
What's the matter?
I hope she didn't hear.
The dead have a way
of comin' back.
When they're dead,
they're dead.
Not Aunt Lucy.
She was a Republican.
I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't
have said that.
You know how
I feel about ya.
I guess in my own way
I sorta love you.
All right, but you don't
have to slobber all over me.
I guess I kinda
love you, too.
Now wait a minute.
Stop kissing me.
What are you talkin' about?
I didn't--
You did too!
Are you crazy?
I don't mind being kissed...
but this
is ridiculous.
You did it again.
I did not.
You didn't?
I felt something...
like a wet paint brush.
You did? I did too.
I thought it was you.
And I thought
it was you.
You see!
Aunt Lucy's come back.
You did it with all that
disrespectful talk. Aunt Lucy!
What's that?
What's the matter?
You yellow?
It's only a kangaroo.
What're you gettin' scared for?
Let's take a ride.
This is probably--
Good girl.
Good girl.
We got enough gas?
I got her carburetor
cut down to nothin'.
Where do you
suppose we are?
This must be the place
where they empty all
the old hourglasses.
I think this is what's left
after I clean my spinach.
Hey, look!
They could've thought
of another way to get us here.
Here we go again.
Beats the bus, huh?
Beats me.
# How can we be sure #
# I'll lay you 8 to 5
that we meet Dorothy Lamour #
# Off on the road
to Morocco #
# Hang on till
the end of the line #
# I hear this country's
where they do #
#The dance
of the seven veils #
#We'd tell you more
but we would have #
#The censor
on our tails #
#We certainly do
get around-ound-ound #
# Like Webster's dictionary #
#We're Morocco bound #
#We're off on the road
to Morocco #
Look out!
Clear the way!
'Cause here we come.
#The men eat fire
sleep on nails #
#And saw their wives
in half #
# It seems to me there should be
easier ways to get a laugh #
#We're off on the road
to Morocco #
#And somewhere
I feel kind of numb #
# For any villains we may meet
we haven't any fear #
# Paramount will protect us
'cause we're signed for
five more years #
#We certainly do get around #
Like a set of Shakespeare
you buy in the drugstore
for $1 .98.
#We're Morocco bound #
Or like a volume of
Omar Khayyam that you
buy at Christmastime...
for your cousin Julia.
#We're Morocco bound ##
Wonder if you can get a handout
in this burg? I'm starved.
If that guy wasn't lookin',
I'd eat a rug.
where are you?
Over here behind
these goose pimples.
Reckon there's been some
sort of shootin' ruckus
at the Buckeye Saloon.
I ain't a-lookin' for trouble,
partner, but if trouble...
comes a-lookin' for me, I'm
gonna be mighty hard to find.
Say, fuzzy, who is that
headstrong, impetuous boy?
He is Mullay Kassim,
the desert sheik.
What'd he come to town for?
A manicure?
He loves the Princess Shalmar
of Karameesh.
He has come to ask her
to marry him.
I'd hate to be around when
he comes for a divorce!
You short of blades?
It's a strange country,
Well, not too strange.
It's food
we're after.
That's what I say...
food. Yes.
No thanks,
we ate four days ago.
I wish I had
my drool cup with me.
Allah be praised.
Allah be praised.
Ohhh! Ahhh!
Oooh! Ahhh!
Allah be praised.
What is this?
Free cold cuts!
What are we waiting for?
Allah be praised, brother.
We'll get loaded.
This is living!
The other fellow did it.
Why can't he?
Allah has seen fit
to dim the light of his wisdom.
To us, such unfortunate ones
are sacred.
I don't
think that's--
What are you lookin'
at me like that for?
From now on,
you're sacred.
What do you mean?
You just became
a full-blooded American idiot.
You do it. Who's gonna
believe I'm an idiot?
Look at the
head start you got!
Go into a shop,
put on that look,
and talk like this.
I'll take some of those,
some of these and some of those.
Let me have
that slow.
I'll take some of these...
and give me a few-ew
of them there--
You feel all right,
Let me hear you do it.
I'll take some of those
and some of those--
The first shop
we go into...
the guy'll load us up
and throw in his daughter.
His daughter?
I'll take some of--
I'll take
some of those.
Don't over-train.
What can I do for you,
Tell him,
I want some of those
and some of those--
You making fun of me?
No, I always
talk like this.
You do, huh?
Why do you?
I'm an idiot.
I'm sacred.
You're saying
I'm an idiot?
If you think you're an idiot
I'm not gonna argue--
What's that?
Okay, I'll take
some of those...
and some of those,
and those--
[ Lisping ]
Well, what do ya
think of that?
[ Lisp Gone ]
How do you like that?
Mother told me there'd be
moments like this.
I wonder how she knew?
Where've you been?
I've been lookin'
everywhere for you.
Do it some more.
What's the matter
with you?
Kiss it again.
What'd the guy hit you with?
A piano?
Come on.
Snap out of it.
It's a strange country.
A minute ago she
came along in a gold box,
fellows carrying it with sticks.
She took my hand,
kissed my fingertips,
my knuckles, my wrist.
My toes are still braided.
It was wonderful.
Do it some more.
Come on, now.
You're delirious.
You need something in your
stomach. You'll be all right.
Come on.
Here we go.
[ Yelling In Arabic ]
How do you figure on
paying for all this?
Scared? You got
red blood, ain't ya?
But I don't wanna get it
all over strangers.
Eat up. Eat up.
I'll think of something.
They got knives.
They'll try to get the
food back the hard way.
You have already eaten
to the amount of 230 kolacs.
You have money
to pay, yes?
We'll pay...
when we're through eatin'.
Put it on separate checks.
Bring us a couple more
portions of jellied turtle eggs.
And the turtle
that laid them.
Bring her in.
And spread a lot of pixie dust,
double layer.
You have already eaten
six portions.
Can we help it if
we're turtle-egg fiends?
First chance we get we better
dash for the nearest exit.
How about that guy's knife?
We're gonna look silly...
stumbling out of here
on a set of stumps.
Have a nutburger
and forget about it.
I can
hardly wait for dessert.
What are we having?
What do you usually tip?
1 0 percent?
Let's not spoil him.
Go ahead, Buster.
Blubber wants to talk to ya.
I'd better go, huh?
If he gets tough, don't worry.
I'll be right here...
under the table.
Buy a rug for me.
Who is that?
The local bookmaker?
Here's 287 kolacs
for the little snack...
and 5 for you.
Get yourself a facial.
Come, come.
Let Orville in on this deal.
How'd you get the spinach?
Funny thing.
A guy I've never seen...
gives me 2,500 kolacs...
that's 200 federal diplomas.
Are you listening?
200 skins?
What for?
I sold him something.
You've got nothing. We've
already hocked your pivot tooth.
It wasn't much but it
was all I had, and was
he anxious to get it.
What did you sell him?
Look, Orville,
I want you to keep very calm.
Don't get excited.
What did you
sell him?
Oh, well,
for a minute I--
Wait a minute.
Give him those fish back!
You can't sell me.
I'm not a horse.
It's the way I comb my hair.
You and I know you're not.
These people are peculiar.
What are you talking about?
Why would a guy buy a guy?
I don't know.
They buy any old junk.
You can't do that to me.
You can't sell me.
You don't own me.
No, not now.
He does.
What does he
want me for?
I didn't ask him.
You sold me to a zombie
and you don't know
what he wants me for?
You've got to be careful
when you're dickering...
knock 'em off while they're hot.
Do you know why they buy guys?
For slaves!
They hit you with whips,
put you to pickin' cotton,
beat you--
They don't pick cotton here.
They beat you for
whatever they're pickin'.
I saw ''Uncle Tom's
Cabin'' twice.
Relax a minute.
I've got it figured out.
I've got plans.
But I--
I've got the guy's address
and I'm gonna get you back.
When I do, we'll be where we are
now, only 200 bucks ahead.
What's that, nothing?
That's something.
It might work.
A hundred of that
is mine.
That's what I'm
telling you.
Put me in the higher brackets.
No use giving it
to you now.
If anything goes wrong,
the money'd be wasted.
Goes wrong?
I'm gettin' out of here.
You might have sold me but
you're not gonna deliver me...
because I'm not
gonna be here.
I don't have to deliver you.
They're coming to pick you up.
What? Pick me up?
Who do you think you're
playing with? Children?
You're talking to Turkey,
the man with the muscles.
Wait! Turn the lights on.
Let go of me.
Wait a second.
Aunt Lucy! Aunt Lucy!
The least you could do
is wrap me as a gift.
What do ya want?
You're a naughty boy.
You shouldn't have done
that wicked thing to Orville.
You must find him,
and bring him back.
I'm so distressed.
I didn't know,
Aunt Lucy.
Honest I didn't.
The fellow I sold him to...
was only a jobber and he
resold him later at a profit.
He wouldn't tell me
to who.
''To whom,'' Geoffrey.
Yes, ma'am, to whom.
I still don't know where he is.
You've got to find him.
Little Orville needs you.
What can I do?
I've been looking for a week!
Remember that song
you used to sing?
The one Orville loved?
Which song was that?
# Ho-ho-hum,
you hear me shoutin' #
# Ho-ho-hum, zoot #
You remember.
Well, go through the streets
singing that song.
Little Turkey-- Orville, will
hear you and reveal himself.
It might work at that!
Aunt Lucy, you, being up there,
must see everything.
You could save me trouble
if you tell me where he is.
I'm not supposed to.
It's against the rules.
Come on, Aunt Lucy.
I won't crack to nobody.
If you go to the marketplace,
head east 200 paces...
you'll come to--
I can't talk to you anymore.
Here comes Mr.Jordan!
Aunt Lucy!
Aunt Lucy!
#Ain't got a dime
to my name #
#What a terrible shame #
# Ho-hum #
# Ho-ho-hum #
#Just found
a hole in my shoe #
#And my stockin'
shows through #
# Ho-hum #
# Ho-ho-hum #
# I know that when you're
as free as a bird in a tree #
# Life is a
wonderful whim #
# Look at the crank
with his dough in the bank #
# Don't you
feel sorry for him #
# Rollin' along
at a loss #
# Never gatherin' moss #
# Ho-hum #
# Ho-ho
ho-ho-hum #
Take it.
# I'm no terrific success #
# I ought to worry
I guess #
# Ho-hum #
ho-hum #
# I like
a shady old tree #
#What's the matter
with me #
# Ho-hum #
[ Crashing ]
# Ho-ho-ho-ho
ho-hum #
#There's nothin'
quite as grotesque #
#As a man
at a desk #
# Lookin' outside
at the sun #
# Shirts made of silk
and a diet of milk #
# Maybe he thinks
he has fun #
# I've got
the vagabond itch #
# Guess I'll
never get rich #
# Ho-hum #
# Ho-ho-ho-ho
ho-ho-ho-ho #
# Ho-ho-ho-ho
ho-ho-ho-ho ##
''DearJeff: Flee for your life
before it is too late.
''You can't do anything for me.
If you stick around,
''you will get us both
into trouble... maybe killed.
''Leave the country and
forget you ever knew me.
''Say nothin' to nobody
about this. Flee!
''Respectfully yours,
P.S. I am being tortured
day and night. Flea!''
Flea... F-L-E-A.
That's Turkey, all right.
Don't worry, old boy.
I won't let you down.
I'll get you out.
[ Shalmar ]
# Constantly...#
#I look for you #
#No day or two #
#But constantly #
# Constantly...#
#I wished you near #
#And now you're here #
#So close to me #
#And it isn't magic #
#And you do exist #
#For after all #
#I know when
I've been kissed #
#And you are
meant to be #
#My heart's delight #
#Notjust tonight #
#But constantly #
# Constantly... #
#I looked for you #
# No day or two #
# But constantly #
# Constantly... #
# I wished you near #
#And now you're here #
# So close to me #
#And it isn't magic #
#And you do exist #
# For after all #
# I know when
I've been kissed #
#And you
were meant to be #
# My heart's delight #
# Not just tonight #
# But constantly ##
That's pretty good. What kind
of animated esquire is this?
';Leave the country.
Forget you ever knew me.
''Flea,'' he says.
''Say nothing to nobody. Flea.''
Why you dirty,
double-crossing hoarder!
Turkey, this is me...Jeff.
Say something.
The fellow is mad.
Take him away.
Toss him to the crocodiles.
He's my friend.
Tell them who I am!
He's just jokin'.
Let me go.
Do you know this man?
I never saw him
before in my life.
You dirty, underhanded
We were in the same class
together for years...
'til I got promoted.
Let him go.
Leave, all of you.
You stay.
Oh, but hon!
Sit here
beside me.
Orville, I want you
to tell me the truth.
Do you know him?
I used to,
but I outgrew him.
I don't dally much with
riffraff these days...
and he's a raffy
kind of a riff.
Why didn't you tell me
you had a friend in Karameesh?
And such a friend.
You didn't tell her
about me, huh?
I didn't want to dicker.
It might've queered the deal.
This kid can't handle
You can understand why,
can't you?
Yes, I can.
We have a proverb.
A goose is beautiful until
it stands beside a peacock.
Say, goose--
Say, goose--
What are you made up for?
Ladies night in a Turkish bath?
What time do you
light up,Jack?
You're looking at the
future prince of Karameesh.
I'm gonna be a pasha,
with the accent on the pash.
We're going to be married--
When is the big day?
When the moon, in its last
quarter, silvers the blossoms...
of the almond tree...
Tuesday night, about 9:00.
Drat! I shall be
listening to ''Hobby Lobby''.
How can a dream like you
go for a drip like this?
It is written
in the stars.
I've been counseled
by Hyder Khan, the wise one,
to take this man
for my husband,
and I must obey.
Old Hyder Khan must've been
out of focus at the time.
Is that so?
The nuptial knot's
practically tied...
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
I'm her Heathcliff.
She bought me for 200 skins.
Looks like I'm gonna get
your money's worth.
She bought you.!
Where did she meet you?
She's the dame I told you about
in the gold box with the sticks.
Give your little princie
a big kiss... king size.
Kiss him on the nose. See if
you can straighten that out!
Oh, my.
This defeats me.
I gotta give you credit.
You did all right for yourself.
To show there's no hard
feelings, I'm gonna stick
around for the wedding.
I'll even give you away.
Just a second.
You've already given me away.
Just because I hit the jackpot,
you wanna
pick up the nickels.
Blow before I press a button
and have your head served up.
Quit shoving or there'll be
a roomful of teeth here.
I'm talking nice to you,
but you'd better get out...
before I forget
I'm the prince.
Do that again.
He did it!
Gentlemen, please.
What is your name?
I want you to stay.
I think I could be
happy here.
Come on. Daddy's tired and I
have to catch up on my reading.
Good night, Geoffrey.
Good night.
Do it some more.
Do it some more.
Come on, bub, rub.
Why is the princess
going to marry you?
She was to have married
Mullay Kassim, the desert sheik.
Why has she
changed her mind?
Sheiks have gone out of style.
The modern girl wants
a nice, reliable wolf.
Do it some more.
I'll get you time and
a half for overtime.
There's something
very strange about it all.
Something very,
very strange.
It's a strange country.
If this were known,
it would mean my death.
But in my heart,
there is a great love for you.
You too? If this keeps up,
I'll have to buy a scooter.
Is my love hopeless,
or do you have some
crumbs of affection for me?
You know how a prince is.
I may set you up with a
little hat shop or something.
What a racket!
We're trying a new shade,
nightingale's blush.
Nightingale's blush...
that's sweet.
You get a complete
recondition and you'll
still look like a warthog.
Gals, get a breath of
fresh air. Beat it. Scat.
Just a second. I'm giving
the orders around here.
She's only done 9 toes.
She can do
the other 3 later.
I want to put him
under the dryer. Beat it.
Don't be too rash.
You'll spoil him.
Don't go far, girls.
Go on.
I may need you.
Who are these Christmas tigers?
Who are they yessin'?
The princess' old man used to
use this for a courtroom.
He never lost a case.
That's very nice.
That's nifty.
Look, puffy, I want to have
a talk with you, man to man.
Who's gonna hold up your end?
I'll see you in a couple weeks.
I have no time
for riffraff.
Think you're
cute, don't you,
sending me that note:
they're torturing you.
Get out of town. There's
nothin' I can do for you.
There is nothing.
I can handle it myself.
I want you to leave.
I know how you operate.
I don't want a best man.
Figure you'll move in, huh?
You figure you'll
wind up the prince.
Could be.
You're takin' a powder...
right now.
That's gratitude!
You seem to be forgettin'
I sold you into all this.
Now you want
to toss me out.
Don't give me that!
You thought you were selling me
into pickin' cotton with whips.
Wait a minute!
Where do you think
you're going?
What's in there?
milady's boudoir.
What are you doin' goin'
in there?
It's a strange
country, chum.
Find my friend a little corner
to sleep in at the snake house.
You big phony.
Get yourself a rattle
to play with.
Nice parlay...
from you to the snake.
Cuddle with a cobra.
Happy fangs!
You can't do this to me!
Bye, fellows.
#Moonlight becomes you #
#It goes with your hair #
# You certainly know
the right thing #
# To wear #
# Moonlight becomes you #
# I'm thrilled
at the sight #
#And I could get
so romantic #
#Tonight #
#You're all dressed up
to go dreaming #
# Now don't tell me
I'm wrong #
#And what a night
to go dreaming #
# Mind if I tag along #
#If I say
I love you #
# I want you to know #
# It's not just because
there's moonlight #
#Although #
# Moonlight
becomes you so #
## [ Whistling ]
# Moonlight becomes you #
## [ Whistling ]
#What a beautiful you #
# Moonlight and you #
#You're all dressed up
to go dreaming #
# Now don't tell me
I'm wrong #
#And what a night
to go dreaming #
# Mind if I tag along #
# If I say I love you #
# I want you to know #
# It's not just because
there's moonlight #
#Although #
# Moonlight
becomes you so ##
Orville, wake up!
Wake up.
Okay, Mom, I'll get
a job tomorrow.
No, no, no.
Wake up!
What's the matter?
The princess is unfaithful.
She cares nothing for you.
I'll see you in
the hat shop later.
At this moment, she and
your friend are in
each other's arms.
Yeah, well--
Yes. Look.
The lowdown,
double-crossing centipede!
Trying to climb into my shoes
and pull the roof over his head.
The crawling lizard!
I'll show him what a salami
has gotta go through.
Don't waste your anger
upon them.
Let us fly together.
Okay, but let go
of my landing gear.
You and I, thus,
and thus, and thus
will my love consume you.
From manufacturer
direct to consumer.
I go!
Excuse me.
I g--
Let me ask you something,
Suppose you put off
this wedding a little,
and I hung around a little,
and you grew to like me.
Wouldn't that change things?
No, Geoffrey,
it would not.
I like you now.
The more I get to like you,
the more reason I will have
to marry Orville.
You like me so you're
gonna marry Orville.
That's a new
kind of brush.
That is the way it must be.
There are many things
you don't understand.
Later you will know.
Before you get hooked up
to that character,
there's a few things
you ought to know.
What do you mean?
Sit down.
To give an idea of what kind of
double-crossin' hoodlum he is--
Oh, no. It's too fantastic.
You'd never believe it.
Go on, what happened?
We're broke and he sells me,
his best friend, for 200 bucks.!
- Practically gives me away.
- I thought you sold him?
That's the way he tells it.
There's two sides to everything.
That's impossible.
The men brought Orville to me.
They come to pick me up
and get him by mistake.
I don't under--
By rights, I should
be in his spot.
You should be marrying me
instead of him. There's
two sides to everything.
Ow! Hey!
What's the big idea?
There's two sides
to everything.
Princess, he's here.
Mullay Kassim!
Mullay Kassim,
my lord.
Where is this--
this dog?
Hold your anger.
Wait until you've he--
I've already heard.
It's whispered that on
the day set for our wedding,
you're planning to marry
this... American!
Is it true?
Tell me.
Yes, Kassim,
it is true.
But it is only--
Come, Ahmed Caspa.
Let us find this man.
Let us see the color of his
liver... hang his carcass
for the jackals to nibble.
No, wait.
First you must hear the words
of Hyder Khan, the wise one.
Hyder Khan?
Very well, Shalmar.
Five minutes does not matter
in the life of a cockroach.
And it is here, written in
the stars, O Lion of the Desert,
that the first husband of
the Princess Shalmar...
will die a violent death
within the week of the marriage.
What is that
you say?
It is also written...
that her second husband
will be blessed with
long life and happiness.
Now do you understand?
The American,
as my first husband,
will die within the week.
Then, as the wise one said,
I will be free to marry
the man I love.
This is a great joke.
It'll be retold as long
as men live in Karameesh.
First time I ever saw
steam heat in print.
Just when it was
getting interesting.
Hello, Hon.
Did you tell Geoffrey he's
not to stay for the wedding?
That we didn't want
him here at all?
I hinted at it.
I gave him a map and
provisions for 3 months.
I can't understand why
you don't like him.
He's one of the
nicest men I've ever met.
He's a nice fellow,
as nice fellows go:
and, why don't he?
There's something
I must tell you.
This is a very
strange country.
Like you running into me
and buying me like I was
a potato.
And me baked ever since.
No, I mean we have
very strange customs,
very strange laws.
For the first week of a marriage
a man and wife live separately.
Yeah, well, every--
It is a custom
thousands of years old.
Customs... you make 'em,
you break 'em, they come and go.
Did I tell you
about Prohibition?
It has been so
for thousands of years.
There can be
no other way.
Honey, don't take on so.
It's only a week.
Yes, only a week.
Orville, when I look at you
and think of our marriage,
I can't help crying.
You're so young...
much, much too young.
You don't have to worry
about me, baby.
I just read a book.
Oso Bucco,
come here!
When was
this American born?
I can't finish his tomb
until I have the date.
I don't know, Ahmed.
We don't know
what we're doing.
Another thing... we're making
his coffin too small.
I tried my wife
in it this morning.
Her feet were
hanging out.
What are we
going to do?
We're just guessing.
We're going to do a sloppy job.
While the American is alive
why don't we measure him?
We couldn't do that!
He would find out.
There are ways.
There are ways!
Come on.
Right now I could use
a hole in my head.
Could we disturb you,
What do you want?
If it is not too much trouble,
we would like to measure you.
What for?
We are making something for you.
It's a surprise.
Something for
the wedding.
This is for
after the wedding.
- Sort of a male trousseau?
- Yes, Master, sort of.
All right, go ahead.
Measure away.
Thank you, Master.
It will be brief.
The princess has an eye for
beauty, so pretty me up.
Sew in plenty of muscles.
Make it zooty.
We will make you look
even better than you do now.
Oh, thanks.
Chest normal,
Normal, forty-one.
Chest expanded,
Give me room.
I like to spread out.
Perhaps the master
would lie down.
5' 1 1 '' overall.
5' 1 1 '' overall.
Put a lot of padding in it.
I don't want anything stiff.
I assure you, it will be
no stiffer than yourself.
- Good day.
- Good day, Master.
Good day.
One question, Master.
What is the date of your birth?
What do you want that for?
- It is for the record.
- September 1 3th, 1 91 3.
On a Friday.
Thank you, Master. We must go.
We have to carve--
Carve it?
And what was that... business?
Orville, those two men--
What were they doing here?
They were measuring me
for some outfit.
Measuring you!
Do you know
who they are?
The royal dressmakers.
No, my beloved.
They're undertakers.
Well, that--
Huh? They were measuring me
for a graveyard gabardine?
There you are. I gotta
have a talk with you.
Orvie, I've been doin'
a lot of thinkin'.
There's no use you and I
arguing anymore. I'm
gonna beat it out of here.
That's it... you're not.
You don't have to.
I admit I tried
to cut in on you.
Whatever you've got,
Shalmar's goin' through with it.
That's all been changed.
I'm the guy
that's shoving off.
I've been watching you two
and you're made for each other.
You look good together...
just the right size.
You're takin' her.
I'm givin' her to you.
What are you
cookin' up?
The last gal you gave me
was that lady wrestler.
What's behind all this?
I got to thinking
about the burying--
I mean the marrying.
It wouldn't last.
In a week, I'd be cold.
Besides, I got a girl.
I got her at the harem,
right off the assembly line.
Nice model.
He's gonna fly with me.
My love will consume him thus...
and thus,
and thus...
Aunt Lucy?
A girl can eat
too much yeast.
But, my very own--
Yeah, later.
You gotta catch me
when I'm in the mood.
You ain't been out of it
for twenty years.
This is a whole new
shuffle... you two!
Wait till Shalmar
hears about this.
It's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be a tough assignment
to get Shalmar to give me up.
A struggle.
But you can handle it.
You've got everything I've got,
and you've had it
many years longer.
I got rid of mine.
It's gonna tear the heart
out of her but I'll catch
her on the rebound.
She might settle
for me.
That's the spirit.
I'll be right behind you...
see you through to the end,
leave no stone unturned.
Why don't we fly away?
Why don't you fly around
and warm your motor?
I'll join you later.
This is disgraceful!
Tsk, tsk.
I'm not gonna let you do this
dreadful thing to Geoffrey.
You'll be the
death of me yet.
Please, Aunt Lucy.
You've got to talk to him,
tell him the truth.
I ain't doin' nothin'.
Look what he did to me!
I insist. If you
don't tell him, I will.
You can't talk to him.
You're in my dream.
Goodness, gracious me!
That's right.
We're only allowed to be
in one dream a week.
Mr.Jordan doesn't like us
pestering people.
- I can understand that.
- I've got to make him hear me.
Oh, oh.!
Take your hands
off me.! Stop it.!
Oh, oh.! Ahhh.!
Guess that'll show her.
[ Moaning ]
Your feet are cold.
You see, Master.
And more than that,
they have legs.
Insects! Fireflies!
What are they doing
in my telescope?
I don't know. I haven't
cleaned the lenses for a week.
Dear, oh, dear!
I must have mistaken these
fireflies forJupiter and Venus.
Yes, Master, you've certainly
gummed up the works.
Indeed, I have.
My prophesies for
the American's death...
were based on the fixed
positions ofJupiter and Venus.
This doesn't add up.
I want you.
You say you want me,
Orville says it's okay,
and you're gonna marry him.
It's something I can't explain.
We're going to be married.
That's all I have to say.
I've something
to say too!
I'm not in love
with you anymore.
I got another girl.
No more talk.
Go to your room and
prepare for the wedding.
I just got one thing
to tell you, Princess--
I'm going to my room
and prepare for the wedding.
Okay, fellas,
who's got the dice?
He's a pip, brushing off
a dream like you.
Instead of a wedding,
you'd think he was
going to his own funeral.
Yes... wouldn't you?
Mistress of my life,
listen and be merciful.
I have made
a calamitous error.
You must not
marry that American.
You must marry
Mullay Kassim!
Mullay Kassim?
I must hear
Your life is influenced
byJupiter and Venus,
so it is my painful
duty to tell you
what I've learned.
You are indeed the favored
one of Allah, O Master.
To marry the princess,
most men in Karameesh
would gladly die.
That's what's
worrying me.
So you see, they turned
out to be fireflies.
I was wrong
about everything.
Don't you see?
Isn't it wonderful?
Yes, it's pretty good.
What's wonderful about it?
It just means Turkey's
back in circulation...
and you get tied up
to Mullay Kassim.
Mullay Kassim.
Geoffrey, you may
feel strange about
marrying a princess,
but I'll spend the rest
of my life trying
to live it down.
You mean, you and me?
Is that what you mean?
You see,
Hyder Khan?
You see what your
fireflies have done?
How about this!
Wait'll I break
the news to doodlebug.
That's why Orville
was so anxious to
hand you over to me!
I think he got wind
of this whole thing.
Don't say anything to him,
not just yet.
Don't worry about me.
I'll handle him!
Shalmar and I
had a little talk,
and we've decided to accept
your generous offer.
What generous offer?
You giving me to her.
She's decided
to accept me.
The guys are working on
the nuptial knots.
No kidding!
I knew you'd see it.
You two, what a pair!
Brother, you're gonna
have the happiest week.
You're gonna be in clover!
Yes, sir, deep in clover.
[ Speaking Arabic ]
Have you
told me all?
Oh, Sheik.
I have told you
what has befallen,
trusting in your
generosity to reward me.
You must hurry,
O Mighty One!
When I left, the princess and
her consort were preparing
to leave the country.
There isn't much time.
Get some sense
into your noggin,
and you and me blow.
We're going to
the United States
to get hooked up.
Hyder Khan's got that jinx
spread all over the world.
Yeah? Let's see him
mess around in Brooklyn.
Here comes Murder,
Call me later.
So, that is your plan!
Running away with this dog.
I could show a dog
a few things about
running right now.
I'm not mixed-up in this.
I'm tending the gardens.
These tulips need
pruning... have one?
You lie to Kassim?
No, but it's
a big switch now.
I gave her up.
I'm on your side.
They're ducking out on you,
the dirty double-crossers!
What do you think we
ought to do with them?
What is this?
So, there's
another one!
Nice going,Junior.
Remind me to throw you
a piece of cheese
in the morning.
Who is this goat?
This moon-faced son
of a one-eyed donkey?
I wouldn't let him call
me that, even if there
is a resemblance.
Where do you come off
cutting in here?
Go play cops and robbers
someplace else!
Beat it, scat, shoo!
Slap his teeth out.
I'll hold your coat.
I'll hold
your coat too.
Kassim, please.
Quiet! You dare oppose
the will of Kassim?
Oppose your will?
I'll have you writing one
if you mess with me!
Take a poke at him.
We're not afraid
of him... are ya?
You are coming with me.
Caspa, take one of
the girls for yourself.
Just a minute.
Okay, pal,
I'm with ya.
He says she's
going with him.
She's going
with him?
He says she's
going with him.
He make joke.
Funny boy.
Patty cake, patty cake,
baker's man!
Bake a cake as--
Yes, sir,Junior!
That thing
sure got around.
Yeah, and back to us.
Run for your lives.!
This way!
Come on, nipper.
Shake a slipper!
Okay, lover.
Head for cover!
You two girls hide
in there, quick!
No, not you!
We'll stay here
and hold them off.
Yeah, we'll--
Who, us?
Who are you kidding?
Let's spread out.
Two of you that way.
Search the tower!
Search the palace!
Two of you
in there.
Search,you dogs.!
My white stallion to the man
who brings me their heads.
They must learn what it means to
incur the wrath of Mullay Kassim.
They're not in here.
There's no
trace of them.
we cannot find them.
We must find them and
slit their throats.
Yes, Your Highness.!
They shall die slowly.
Their tongues shall
be ripped out.!
Their ears shall be sliced off
and dried on sticks.
Search the corridors!
We'll find them if we have
to tear down the palace!
Yes, Your Highness.
Ah... ah...
ah, ah, ah...
Call the men!
Stand up,
you dog.!
You thought you'd slip
through my fingers, huh?
After him!
Get the horses ready!
I was just going for
a broom to sweep
this stuff up.
Mullay Kassim will
take care of you
in the desert!
Aunt Lucy!
I never thought I'd wind up
in a camel's snood!
A fine pal you are,
letting me give her up!
And all the time you knew
you weren't gonna die!
That's what's killing me.
You weren't gonna die!
Give me credit.
That's pretty hard to do,
beatin' you and the embalmer.
I feel like the
morning mail.
Look, they're leaving us!
All alone in the desert.
No food, no water,
no nothing!
Come on. Let's start
the sack race.
Where do we go?
Let's hop over the hill
and see what's doin'.
Must be a gas station
somewhere around here.
What are you still
hoppin' for?
We've been out of
those nets all day.
I want to keep my watch going.
How did we get loose with
our hands and feet tied
and everything?
If we told anybody,
they'd never believe it.
Let's not
tell 'em, huh?
Shh... proceed.
See anything?
Come on.
Courage, boy!
Courage, he says.
Look at that!
You know what they are?
They're buzzards.!
They're carrying
finger bowls too.
Fine way to end up.
A box lunch for a bird.
Turkey, look!
What's a drive-in doing
in the middle of the desert?
I'm no quiz kid.
Come on, let's eat!
I'll force something.
Toss us a couple
of mugs of java!
We got our own sugar.
Two tall double-dip
Not too well done.
And a couple
of mile-high beers!
It's moving!
Better grab it.
Hey, come back!
Hey, what's this
''now you see it,
now you don't'' stuff?
We might have known.
It's a mirage!
I could
even smell the onions.
I'm getting
out of here.
Yeah, me too!
# The moonlight
becomes you so #
Why, it's Shalmar!
# It goes with
your hair #
She must've been
visiting a gopher friend.
#You certainly know
the right thing to wear #
# Moonlight becomes you #
# I want you to know #
#It's notjust because
there's moonlight #
# Moonlight
becomes you so #
# Moonlight becomes you #
# It goes with
your hair #
#You certainly know #
#The right thing
to wear #
[Jeff s Voice ]
# Moonlight becomes you #
# I'm thrilled at the sight #
[Jeff s Voice ]
#And I could get so romantic #
#Tonight #
# Ba-ba-ba-be-bah
bobba bobba boo #
# I'm all dressed up
to go dreaming #
# Now don't tell me I'm wrong #
#And what a night
to go dreaming #
# Mind if I tag along #
# If I say I love you #
# I want you to know #
# It's not just because
there's moonlight #
# I know #
# Moonlight becomes you so ##
needs a shave!
That's an omen.
We've gotta find the girls
and save them from Kassim.
Come on!
I don't know whether
I can make it.
My legs feel like
they're cut off
near my Adam's apple.
I guess that kiss took
too much out of you, huh?
Come on.
Get aboard.
If I'm too heavy,
I'll throw my hat away.
Leave your head
in it, huh?
Hey, come on!
Look! Water!
Oh, oh, oh!
This is a bit
of all right!
How about this!
What are you doing?
My radiator's dry.
Where there's water,
there's life, people!
All we gotta do is
follow the stream.
Oh, there's a herring.
Come along!
What do you make of it?
We'd better
take it easy...
until we find out
whose joint it is.
It might be
a camel motel.
[ Shouting ]
Those are Mullay Kassim's
That joint must
be their hideout.
We gotta save the girls.
We'll have to
storm the place.
You storm.
I'll stay here and drizzle.
I got something
that can't miss!
So have they... guns!
to every word.
We don't have to
wait for night.
We just go up
on the place...
There's no one.
There were two men
in the horse lines.
When they ran,
I shot at them.
You've been drinking
koolash again!
Think they know
we're here?
We're still
wearing our heads.
That was the dopiest idea,
you thinking you could skin
a horse and put me inside.
How would I look
being a horse?
Just the same.
We gotta get back to
where we started from
and wait till dark.
I think we just went
through a red light.
I'd feel better if
we had a periscope.
Trust me!
I've got a great
sense of direction.
Think we're
still okay?
Sure, sure.
We were headed due north.
North, huh?
Don't look now,
but I think we're
standing on a rug.
It is those pigs!
Don't stand there.
Hurry, run!
Take them outside
and bring me back their ears.
No, wait!
There must be no shedding of
blood on our wedding night.
Did you hear that?
I stopped listening
when he said ''blood.''
Lock them up!
I just had
this pressed!
Let's not be vulgar,
A fine thing!
First you sell me
for 200 bucks.
I'm gonna marry the princess,
then you cut in on me!
We're carried off by a sheik,
now we're gonna have
our heads chopped off.
I know all that.
The people who came in the
middle of the picture don't!
You mean,
they missed my song?
Who's that?
Who are they?
That's the great sheik
Neb-Jolla and his men.
Friend of Kassim's?
No, the enemy
of Kassim.
For ten years
they have been at war,
but Kassim has invited
him to his wedding
as a token of peace.
But I do not trust
either one of them.
You oughta take
something for your throat.
What have you got?
Food for these men.
They have not eaten.
It cannot matter
when it is their
last night to live.
Give it to them
through the window.
Any word from
the governor?
In this bowl there's
a magic ring from the princess.
You can make three wishes.
Perhaps it will help
us all to escape.
Why didn't you bake us
a cake with a file in it?
The ring will not work
for everybody.
If we are fortunate,
it might work for you, Geoffrey.
Should it fail,
lift the jewel and
inside you will find...
poison for two.
What is this
Go on, be gone!
Good-bye, honey.
Don't forget to write.
Just send it to the
''dead letter office.''
Three wishes. All right,
start the acka-muracas.
Come on, ring.
Get the four of
us out of here.
Magic ring.
What does she think we are,
a couple of chowder-heads?
No pictures, huh?
Get the poison pills.
Let's get it over with.
There they are.
Close your eyes and I'll
shoot you one of these
concentrated Mickeys.
What's the matter with me
shooting them to you?
You don't want to fall
and get a knot on your head.
I gotta stay behind
and hold you up.
I'll hold you up.
Me, huh? Don't let
me fall too hard.
Set the table, Aunt Lucy.
There'll be two more for dinner.
Boy, I sure wish
I had a drink.
Junior, it worked!
The magic ring,
it worked on you.
Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle!
Jeff, I'm back!
I did it!
For a minute, I thought
I had a one-way ticket!
Hey, hey!
Cut it out!
What am I doin'?
I think I liked you
better the other way.
You've used up our last wish.
We'll never get out.
I'll think of something.
That's what
I'm afraid of.
What's going
on here?
Oh, nothing.
Did anybody ever escape
from this jail?
Once, about a year ago,
two men got out.
Tell me, chum.
How'd they do it?
It was an accident.
To light a cigarette,
I placed my rifle like this.
Oh, interesting.
And then what happened?
One of the fellows
grabbed the rifle
and pointed it at me.
You mean,
like this?
Except that he put it
right up against my head.
Like this!
What's wrong?
Put 'em up!
Give us
those keys!
Or we'll spread you!
Ahmed, we have
done it again!
I don't get this setup.
What's frying?
I'm cooking up
some small sabotage.
We'll have 'em at one
another's throats!
Internal dissension.
Divide and conquer.
Brother against brother.
Sort of an
Arabian Gestapo?
You've got it, Tyrone.
Hasn't missed yet.
Then we grab
the gals and cut out.
Hold this a minute,
will ya?
What are you gonna
do with that?
Look and learn.
What're you doing?
Making reefers?
This'll give 'em
that lift.
I got a pip.
What now?
Brilliant! Good boy.
Where's the dribble-glass?
Slip 'em the
drip... drip.
Neb-Jolla, so great
is my joy that I wish
to share it with you.
May our tribes live
together in peace
for a thousand years!
My hand on that,
You are fortunate indeed
to win the love of so
beautiful a princess.
She cannot wait for
my kisses upon her lips.
Can you,
my dove?
Kassim, you shall soon know
how I feel about you.
you hear?
I drink to my friend
who was my enemy,
and to the eternal peace
that has come between us.
I drink to that,
and also to the beauty
of my bride-to-be.
My apologies,
O Great Sheik.
There must be a hole
in the goblet.
Yes, I see there is!
I trust you do not
do this as a joke?
No, my friend,
my very dear friend!
Happy Fourth of July.
What is the meaning of this?
What's going on here?
My friend, I give
you my assurances.
Eat, drink, music!
Let us all be
like brothers.
Do you bring us here
to make fools of us?
This is no
doing of mine.
Be of good faith.
There will be no more.
Kassim, when will
these outrages cease?
please, patience.
I humble myself
at your feet in apology.
Come, sit down.
This is the screwiest
picture I was ever in!
At the word from our master,
we would tear you to shreds!
We are as
mystified as you.
We came here to eat,
not to be mystified!
Do not trust him.
His is an empty
gesture of friendship.
[ Screaming ]
I am at a loss
to understand!
Why do you persist on
playing these pranks?
[ Aide ]
It's just as much
a surprise to us.
Please forget about
the whole thing.
I give you
my assurance--
I am trying to
control myself,
but my patience
cannot last!
Water, water!
[ Shouting ]
I am on fire!
Water, water.!
Enough, enough!
This is war!
[ Speaking Arabic ]
This means war!
[ Gunshot ]
When I see how
silly people behave,
I'm glad I'm a camel.
Oh, I'm glad you're
a camel too, Mabel!
Hurry up!
Let's go!
Come on.
I'll race ya!
[ Ship Whistle ]
This thing pinches me.
You got another one?
It won't be long
before we're seeing
little old New York.
Three years we've been
waiting to get back.
I'm gonna grab a piece
of the U.S.A. and eat it--
something around New Orleans.
I get the strangest feeling
that we've been through
all of this before.
Looks like
I trapped you again.
This time I'm bringing
home the bacon too.
And what a slab!
Then the answer's yes?
Yes, but don't think I'm
marrying you for her money.
Why are you
marrying me?
I'll think of something.
I want the Statue of Liberty
to be proud of me,
so I'll powder my nose.
I don't think
it'll help.
# Moonlight becomes you #
# It goes with your hair #
# Da-da-da
da-da #
Aaah, aaah!
I can't go on!
No food, no water!
It's all my fault.
We're done for.
It's got me!
I can't stand it!
No food, no nothing!
No food, no water!
No food!
What's the matter
with you, anyway?
There's New York.
We'll be picked up
in a few minutes!
You had to open your big
mouth and ruin the only
good scene I got!
I might have won
an Academy Award!