Road to Utopia (1946) Movie Script
For those of you who
don't go to the movies,
let me introduce myself.
My name is
Robert Benchley.
Well, no matter.
For one reason or another,
the motion picture which
you are about to see...
is not very
clear in spots.
As a matter of fact,
it was made to demonstrate how
not to make a motion picture...
and at the same time
win an Academy Award.
Now, someone in what is
known as ''the front office''...
has thought that an
occasional word from me...
might help clarify
the plot and other vague
portions of the film.
Personally, I doubt it.
Shall we go?
It's 8:00, Pa.
Bedtime.
Put down that paper.
In a minute, Ma.
In a minute.
Land's sakes, pa.
Sittin'there night after night
pouring your eyes out
over that old stock market.
Think by now
you'd be tired of it.
Well, 'tain't easy, ma,
to change the habits of a lifetime.
Lot of nonsense--all that
buyin'and sellin'-- Bulls and Bears.
Can't see how
a body can figure it out.
Right now it's
kind of bearish,
Ma, kind of bearish.
Come along,
it's 8:00.
I'm not a child. I know
when it's time to go to bed.
Pa!
It's time.
Come on, Pa.
Doc says I can stay
up till half past.
I know, but by the time
we get your ears washed
and your teeth put away--
All right, I guess.
Here we go.
Look and see if
everything got up with me.
#For always #
Do you hear
what I hear?
I hope not.
That voice.
What voice?
Listen. What does it
sound like?
Who'd be sellin'
fish at this hour?
After 3 5 years--
Pa, you don't think--
Oh, no,
it couldn't be.
But it is. That voice.
I'd know it anywhere.
You would, huh?
Shuck and gosh darn it.
And I thought this was
gonna be an ''A'' picture.
Duke!
Sal!
Duke.!
Sal!
It isn't true.
I don't believe it.
Just got in from Alaska
and I came right to you.
Right from out
of the grave.
Nice diggin', hmm?
My, uh, nieces.
Girls, old friends of
your uncle's, the Hootons.
How do you do?
Just think, 3 5 years, Duke.
It doesn't seem possible.
Sal, let me look at you.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
And Chester,
you're a sight.
Don't forget a man is
just as young as he feels.
Take 'em away. The doctor
says I can't have 'em anymore.
You've got very little
to complain about.
You won the girl,
got the gold mine-- All this.
Things have surely
stacked up well for you.
Who's doin' your
stackin' lately?
Chester!
Girls, the Hootons and I
have a few things to discuss.
If you'll run along, Uncle will
meet you later at the club.
Nice goin',
''Uncle.''
Nice family tree and
the limbs ain't bad either.
Duke, tell us
all about Alaska.
We left you for dead.
How did you ever get away?
It's a long story.
I wouldn't want to bore you.
It's never
stopped you before.
Tell us.
You remember when
it all started.
Chester and I were
playing San Francisco.
The turn of the century.
There was gold in the Klondike
and San Francisco was wide open.
A million suckers just
waitin' to be clipped.
There was excitement
and adventure.
There was romance.
And one night, you remember,
there was murder.
This is a device
known as ''the flashback.''
Okay, George.
Gold!
Millions!
Open up.
What happened?
Sperry, McGurk...
the window.
What is it,
Mr. Lattimer?
They got it--
The map, your father's mine.
The police
will get them.
Never.
They're too smart.
But Mr. Lattimer--
Alaska--
Go to Skagway.
Ask for Ace Larson.
Ace Larson?
Where do I arrange my passage?
No time, lady.
Get it on board.
- Take it away,Joe.
- Right, Cap.
You better hurry,
we're shovin' off.
Thank you.
Take it away,
boys.
Hey, look!
We've gotta
get on that boat.
Too late, mister.
Next boat's tonight at midnight.
Extra.! Murder in Hotel Room.
Read all about it.
Map of Van Hoyden Mine Stolen.
Extra.! Read all about it.!
It's them!
Who?
Sperry and McGurk.
##
# Everybody here knows
Good Time Charlie #
# Charlie is
a perfect clown #
#Always kills the folks
with funny jokes #
#And turns the parlor
upside down #
# Everybody sure likes
Good Time Charlie #
# No one ever
saw him frown #
# But here's
the funniest part #
# Down deep
in his heart #
# He's the lonesomest
man in town #
Charlie, why are you on this
mad, mad merry-go-round?
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm your friend.
You can tell me,
Charlie.
You're wasting
your life away.
Someday you'll be
old and all alone.
Think it over.
You're not fooling me,
Charlie.
It's your childhood
sweetheart.
But you're a great,
great man.
Great to take it
the way you have.
You're doin' the
right thing. Laugh!
Ha, ha, ha.
Dance!
Play the fool!
# He's the lonesomest
man in town #
#The lonesomest
man in town #
Three, a-two,
a-three, a-four.
# He's always
good for a laugh #
# But...
you don't know the half #
# He's only
happy-go-lucky #
#Till the lights
are turned down #
#Then he's the lonesomest
man in town ##
And now, to go from the
super to the supernatural,
we bring you
''Ghost-O,''
the most amazing
novelty game of the age,
stolen at great personal risk...
from the high priest of
the Lost Tribe of Darkest Anesthesia...
and brought to these shores by
that great oriental mystic...
and secret Hindu potentate,
professor Hakin Zambini.!
And now, ''Ghost-O''...
and the man who
has brought fortunes to
thousands of lucky people,
professor Zambini.
Holy Toledo!
Holy Toledo!
Bushwa.
Silence, dear friends.
I shall attempt to
contact the other world.
Master, shall
I remove myself?
The spirit will
do it for us.
Ala-kaballa, presto-sturgando,
double-forzando.
Silence!
Silence, dear friends.
I feel the presence
of spirits in the room.
What I do
for money.
Matoom-bomba.
Diddy-wa-diddy matoom-bomba.
Diddy-wa-diddy, ester-chay.
The oint-jay is ull-fay of ump-chays--
Ump-chays--
There's one here, too.
Spirits,
are you with us?
Are you there?
Am I there?
Where can I go?
- Are you there?
- If I was, I wouldn't be here.
Spirits,
are you with us?
That's the spirit!
We have made contact.
To prove it, I shall have
the spirit do my bidding.
Spirit, lift the table.
Spirit, lift.!
The flesh is willing but
the spirits are weak.
However, we shall proceed
with the magic game of Ghost-O.
Taking this
fabulously jeweled box,
I shall place
a five-dollar bill therein,
close the
box regretfully,
incant a few magic
words thereover,
and gamble upon the
generosity of the spirits.
Matoom-bomba Ester-chay,
willet-gay under-day
dwit-ay matoom-bomba.
What have we here?
A crisp ten-dollar bill.
Indeed, the spirits
are generous tonight.
Why am I monopolizing
this lucrative phenomenon?
Who among you would
like to try for 1 0,
20, 30 dollars--
any small amount?
I'll try
for a dollar.
A dollar? An assignment
for one of the smaller spirits;
however, a buck is a buck and
the spirits are always in there.
Matoom-bomba
matoom a-double-bomba.
A crisp new
five-dollar bill.
Five for one. Here you are.
Who among you shall be next?
10 dollars!
I'll try for 15.
We are building, however,
it's a big box and there's
room in there for both of you.
The spirits will have to
take dead aim this time.
Atch-it-way, Ester-chay.
Matoom-bomba, Sam-cheron
on-the-half-shell.
Hiya, George!
Welcome home, Abe!
Looks like a spirit got
away with this one, folks.
That's the spirit.
Sometimes he puts,
sometimes he takes.
Who's next? Just
bring a buck in a truck.
Ten dollars.
Twenty-five.
Twenty dollars here.
Don't get shut out.
Wait a minute.
Let's try in here.
There they are!
Out the
back way!
Just a moment,
please.
They don't seem to
think we're on the level.
Some people are
so suspicious.
Ghost-O! I didn't think there
was one more way to get the cops
after us, but you found it!
50 for Duke, 50 for Chester.
1 0 for Duke, 1 0 for Chester.
Some life. Always one jump
ahead of the Sheriff.
5 for Duke, 5 for Chester.
That boat sails
in 20 minutes.
Let it sail.
Look, mastermind,
the tour is over.
We've been posse-baitin'
every town from coast to coast.
We just ran out of towns.
From now on, it's oceans
and we take boats.
A Confederate ten-spot!
How can people be so crooked?
We're taking
the boat to New York.
Not that boat.
Going the wrong way?
It's going south,
should be going north.
Going north?
Where they got that yellow stuff...
that ever-lovin' powder.
Gold?
That's right.
Alaska!
Yes.
No you don't! Alaska?
It's so cold...
if you shake hands,
they take it and throw it away.
It's Utopia.
Everybody's getting gold.
I got all the gold
I want in my teeth.
I'm takin' my dough to Brooklyn
and opening a Turkish bath--
with tables for ladies.
Where're you going
with all that cabbage?
I'm gonna pickle it.
Yours? All of it?
What happened to 50-50?
All of it.
You've been leading me
by the nose, chiseling
me right and left.
Me chiseling you?
I got a record
of every chizz.
This is fantastic.
It's right here
in black and white.
Niagara Falls...
$300 for hospital bills.
All you had to do was
find some yokel and send him
over the falls in a barrel.
It was a great stunt.
I almost
broke my neck.
Pittsburgh, Chicago,
and how 'bout Kansas City?
You picked my pocket of
7 5 bucks so you could take
Mabel Bronschweiger on a buggy.
Mabel Bronschweiger.
Lady blacksmith.
She was your girl.
I sat in the hotel lobby
while you took her for
a ride in the woods.
She was in fresh air.
Didn't I front for
you in Oklahoma?
Hilda,
the oilman's daughter?
Sent you in there.
Was she born or did
they have to drill for her?
$1 200 worth right there,
but I'll settle for this.
You wanna go to Alaska
and be a blubber-ball for
a bunch of trained seals?
Go ahead, I'm
headin' home.
I can't stand in
your way.
If that's the way you feel,
that's the way you feel.
That's the way
I feel about it.
Don't start tellin' my fortune.
It won't do you any good.
What do you think of this?
A black nine on a red jack.
You use those cards to trick me
in every crooked deal we had.
No more, I'm too smart.
You're wastin' you're time,
DukeJohnson.
I'm goin' right back
where I-- What is it?
What's it say?
It's nothing.
You can say that again.
I know those cards.
This is amazing!
They're as phony as you are.
It's lucky I'm smart--
What is it?
What do you see?
You're not interested.
It's a partnership?
It's us.
We're back in New York.
New York?
Yes, and we're rich.
We're driving down to 5th Avenue
in a gold-plated carriage.
5th Avenue?
Yeah, we're sittin' there
smoking dollar cigars...
and we're throwing $50 bills
at the round haircuts.
5th Avenue?
We just turned
down 42nd Street.
Wait'll I get back
in the carriage.
Where you been?
You don't want that crowd
to get all that dough?
Let them have it.
We've got billions.
Where'd
we get it?
Utopia.
Alaska? Pretty smart.
Gave me a fast shuffle, huh?
You'd better face it.
The cards say Alaska.
No wonder,
it's a cold deck.
This seems to be a scene
they put in after I saw
the picture in the studio.
Obviously a lot of extras--
I don't know.
Read all about it.
''Van Hoyden Murderers
Still at Large. ''
Extra paper.
Read all about it.
Extra paper.
Police Anticipate
an Early Arrest.
Van Hoyden's Murderers
Still at Large. Extra.
Hey, boy!
See what happened
to Happy Hooligan.
Careful, don't get hurt.
You'll snap off a thumb.
Keep it.
Well, Chester, looks like
the end of the line for you and I.
There goes Chester and
there goes little old Duke.
That's pretty heavy carfare.
How're you gonna make it?
I'll get along somehow.
Don't worry about me.
Well, Duke,
I guess this is it.
I never thought
we'd end this way.
It's so different.
I'm holdin' the dough
and you're holdin' the bag.
I never thought
I'd have the biggest end.
You've always had
much the biggest end.
Where do you keep your butter?
It was great while it lasted.
What a combo.
Lot of laughs.
Lot of snickers.
We had a couple of things
that money couldn't buy.
I usually got the ugly one.
No hard feelings.
No hard
feelings at all.
So long.
So long.
Well, see ya.
Chester?
Huh?
I can't let you go like this.
Not without letting you know...
whatever happens,
you can always count on me.
That's fine, Duke,
just fine.
I want you to feel that
whatever I have is yours.
Somehow I feel that
whatever you have is mine.
Duke, that little speech
touched me. We're pals.
If we want something,
we don't have to ask for it.
We know it's there
and we take it.
This is it, son. Let me
have one last look at you.
Duke--
Don't speak. Don't say it.
Go quickly and don't look back.
So long, Duke!
Good-bye, Chester.
No hard feelings.
I forgive you for everything;
Hilda, Mabel, the whole works.
Even for trying
to pick my pocket just now.
Why, you dirty rogue!
Wait a minute there!
Emergency!
Look out!
I gotta catch a boat!
Look out!
Out of my way!
Out of my way!
Whoops!
Out of your way.
Spread out boys, you're liable
to get blood all over you.
Chester, whatever seems
to be the trouble?
''Trouble,'' he says?
''Don't look back,'' he says?
I oughta--
Chester, don't fight this thing.
It's too big for you.
Like it says in the cards,
you're on your way to Alaska.
Huh?
Alaska?
I'm goin' to New York!
Stop the boat!
Wait!
What's goin'
on here?
Alaska!
We're goin' to Alaska!
He's gone, this boy--
The gold and everything,
Don't listen to
that cheap phony.
I'm perfectly sane.
Would a sane man go to Alaska
in a Palm Beach suit?
I'm goin' to Brooklyn
to open a Turkish bath--
See what I mean?
Take him to my cabin.
I've handled him before.
I don't want to go to Alaska.
It's cold there!
Icicles, popsicles,
Eskimo pies!
Take your hands off me.
Look, I'm sane.
2 and 2 is 4.
4 and 4 is 8.
8 and 8 is--
[ Duke ]
Ahh.! Ahh.!
Take me below.
He's gone.
We've lost this boy.
You wouldn't do this
if I was in shape.
You need any help,
just call us.
Stand by with a light mallet.
Me on a boat to Alaska?
Maybe I am crazy.
Chester--
Don't give me any talk,
just give me my money.
Don't you think it would be better
if you let me hold the money?
Give me that cabbage
before I part your derby.
If that's the
way you feel--
That's the
way I feel.
Is it all here?
Count it.
We gotta be careful.
This is a strange boat.
There's a lot of crooks around.
You won't be lonesome.
You know way down underneath
I'm honest.
But on top,
you're a rat.
That money would be
safer in my pocket.
You kiddin'?
We're not putting the money
in your pocket or my pocket,
we're puttin' it where
it belongs... in the safe.
See?
Man overboard!
Wait!
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
It's only money.
Has no
personality.
You and those cards.
I can't understand.
Must've been a Pinochle deck.
Keep scrubbin'!
Make it shine!
Are you kiddin'?
My fingernails are all gone.
For the last hour I've been
using up the white meat.
You'll keep on 'til you
work you way back to Frisco!
Not me! I've had enough!
Me, too! Who do you think
you're pushin' around?
We're not cattle,
you know!
Moo!
Moo!
Thanks.
Baked ham around here.
Silly place
to get a hotfoot.
Come on, help yourself.
This is no sailboat.
I'm doing my share.
You look like an agent
standing there.
That fire's important.
Makes the boat go.
That's right.
Supposing
it goes out?
Supposing it does?
I'm ready.
Oh, that's--
Pardon me.
Thanks.
What do you do
around here?
Nothing.
You in this picture?
No, taking a short
cut to Stage 1 0.
Very fine, Tony.
All right, who's next?
Let's go, Dad. You're on.
I'm not following
monkeys this season.
They'll think it's an encore.
Besides, 1 0 bucks is 1 0 bucks.
Don't be bashful.
Who's next?
Here's your boy.
Stay in there.
Can I borrow that
Stomach Steinway?
Take good care of him.
You kiddin'?
It's got asthma now.
##
#You think that money
is everything #
#And yet it's
anybody's spring #
# Go make a fortune
become a king #
#And still it's
anybody's spring #
#And if you
flash a bankroll #
# Do you suppose
the brook would care #
# Or that a rose would say #
# ''There goes a millionaire'' #
# It's more than diamonds
around a ring #
# Because it's
anybody's spring #
#You may be born with
the silver spoon #
#And yet it's
anybody's moon #
#You couldn't buy a ticket #
#To hear the first robin sing #
# It's free because it's
anybody's spring #
##
I never knew I could play
one of these.
You could
beat the monkey.
#You couldn't
buy a ticket #
#To hear the
first robin sing #
# It's free because it's
anybody's spring ##
Very nice.
Very nice.
Now for the winner.
Line up here, please.
He's wasting time.
Naturally.
Next time,
I bring Sinatra.
Could you tell me where
I could find a Mr. Ace Larson?
At his place,
I reckon--
The Golden Rail.
Thank you.
So I came up here as fast
as I could, Mr. Larson.
If you'll only help me,
I'll be glad to pay you--
Pay me?
You seem to forget, my dear,
your father was my best friend.
Thank you.
Who did you say
stole that map?
I didn't, but they were seen--
Two men, Sperry and McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk, huh?
You know them?
By reputation only.
Two of the blackest
cutthroats that ever
dirtied up the Klondike.
- Maybe the police--
- That won't be necessary.
Go down to the dock.
I want to know the minute
those two hit town.
I can't begin to
thank you, Mr. Larson.
Forget it.
What do you do?
I beg your pardon?
For your living.
How do you get by?
I sing a little.
I like that.
From now on,
you'll work for me.
Now don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.
Just leave everything to me.
You've been
terribly sweet.
The dirty dog. He just
wants to get Dorothy into
one of those scanty costumes.
Not a
bad idea.
I'm working
for Mr. Larson--
Upstairs.
Thank you.
Who's the
fancy baggage?
A little lady who's
lost a gold mine.
Are you the lost and found
department?
I'm gonna help
her get it back.
Aren't you stepping
a little out of character?
I don't know.
The mine's worth about
three million dollars.
What do we get
out of it?
About three
million dollars.
Doesn't leave the
''little lady'' much, does it?
That's what I like about you.
You're good at arithmetic.
The boat docks in Skagway
but are we getting off?
Oh, no, we're cooked.
I didn't want
to get on this boat.
I was Shangri-La'd.
Shanghaied,
old man.
Well, one of those
towns in Egypt.
What do you
got there?
Just an old piece of paper,
that's all.
What're you puttin' it
in your pocket for?
I save old paper.
Some people save old string.
I think folding
is more fun than twisting.
What is it?
Just a map
of an old gold mine.
What?
Just a little one. Good for
a couple of inlays maybe.
Let's see it.
I'm an old map man.
It's my
type of work.
Chester, you realize
what this is?
It's a map.
It's the Van Hoyden gold mine.
You read the papers.
You think so?
The guys that have this room
must be the killers.
Dirty rats.
[ Duke ]
We got the map. It's ours.
How do you figure?
The law of the Yukon--
Possession.
How 'bout the murderers?
We'll turn them
over to the cops.
- They should be boiled in oil.
- I told you... a gold mine.!
I saw it in the cards.
Those beautiful cards.
Riding down 5th Avenue.
Throwing 50-dollar bills
at the round haircuts.
We'll be
living like kings.
Living like kings?
I abdicate.
Nice little mine
you got here, fellas.
Wear it in
good health, boys.
Nice to meet you.
Come on, Chester.
We got a little dust
of our own to take care of.
Start cleaning up here.
That blood.
There's no
blood there.
There's gonna be.
No noise.
You wanna wake up
the neighborhood?
This is much better.
Yeah? I ain't
afraid to die.
I just hate
being killed.
Wait a minute.
Think it over.
For a couple of years.
You wouldn't want to dirty
a nice knife over a stale
couple of million bucks.!
What do we do now?
Remember Schenectady?
Okay fellas,
we're ready.
We ain't askin'
for no mercy.
Can we say
our prayers?
Okay.
Be quick about it.
Bailey...
Crawford.
Bailey...
Crawford.
No trace of those
stowaways, sir.
I ain't worried.
If they're gettin' off, they've
got to come through here.
Flannery.
Flannery.
peters.
peters.
Lombardi.
Lombardi.
Sperry.
And McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk?
Yeah, Sperry and McGurk.
What about it, partner?
What about it?
Nothing, boys. Only,
just don't make any trouble.
Things are different
since you boys were here.
It's nice and peaceful.
Don't worry, we're
law-abiding citizens now.
Anybody says we ain't,
we'll plug 'em.
Hey, Sperry and McGurk
just hit town.
Sperry and McGurk?
Yeah, and they're
headed this way.
Here they
come now!
What goes with
the local peasantry?
One look at us and they
run right out of the joint.
I feel like I'm
back in vaudeville.
I don't know what Sperry
and McGurk did to this burg,
but they're dynamite.
We own this town.
I'll sell cheap.
I don't like it.
If those hoodlums ever
get off that boat,
we'll be smiling from ear
to ear with our throats.
Forget it.
The town's ours-- Food,
liquor, supplies, anything.
All we got to do is act tough.
Tough?
Remember, you're Sperry
and I'm McGurk.
Got it?
Got it.
Made it.
Not quite.
It's a leaner.
What'd I tell ya?
We got the royal suite,
dinner, liquor,
sled loaded with
a month's supplies.
Hasn't cost us a dime.
Clamber out of that beaver.
How'll they know we're
Sperry and McGurk?
We'll tell 'em.
If those two butchers
ever get off that boat,
we'll wind up hamburger,
blood-rare.
I don't like it.
You don't like it?
You don't know a good thing
when you see it.
This town's a whole
big jackpot for us.
I don't like it.
Skagway Sal wants
to see you boys.
I'm beginning
to like it.
Get out of here!
We got business.
Who'd you say?
Skagway Sal.
Well, come on in.
That's our business.
Where does, uh--
hang out?
Golden Rail.
Looky here,
Skunky.
Anybody ever see Sperry and
McGurk with their beards off?
Not that I know of.
Spread the news around.
They're gonna see it tonight.
Okay.
Skagway Sal, let's go.
Now they're furnishing dates.
This is a great town.
We're beginning to operate.
Sal's waitin'.
What's the rush?
There's only one dame.
You better clamber out of
that mattress before somebody
asks you for a cough drop.
You better let
me hold the map.
What for?
You know how you act when
you get around women.
The only thing I do is
get ''around'' the women.
Give me the map.
Don't forget,
half s mine.
Half of it's yours.
Here you are.
What're you doing?
Putting mine in my
hat in a safe place.
You'd better do
the same thing.
In a safe
place, huh?
What do you think
of my underwear?
Not much,
but put it there.
Throw that
candy away.
I got a sweet tooth.
We're supposed to be killers...
supposed to look tough.
The almonds are tough.
Lose it.
Throw it away.
Stash it.
Here, Fuzzy.
Dessert? Come on.
When you get to an elbow,
it's mine.
Are you crazy?
Feedin' a loose pooch?
We'll never get rid of him.
He's a cute character.
Let's take him along.
He's as big as a horse.
Probably eats like a horse.
That runs into a lot of money.
You oughta know.
Come on.
Remember, we're supposed
to be Sperry and McGurk.
Tough, huh?
Very tough.
Scat, sad sack.
Go on, scat.
Beat it before he
throws a saddle on you.
There they are!
How tough could
these guys have been?
Okay, everybody, go ahead
and enjoy yourselves.
We ain't in
a killin' mood tonight.
Just
a woundin' mood.
Let's get some action here.
We're springin' tonight.
Champagne
for the crowd.
That's enough.
We're the crowd.
At this point the plot is
much more interesting from
your point of view than mine.
This is the life,
Pappy.
This is awful.
What's the matter?
I ain't got
room for her.
I wish I had another leg.
What happens when Sal shows up?
She'll have to sign
an application blank.
We may get to her later.
##
# Mary Smith had
a college education #
# SallyJones had
a scientific streak #
# Susie Brown used to lecture
on ancient architecture #
#Josie Green spoke
Latin and Greek #
#Just forgotten girls
with forgotten brains #
#While history explains #
#When Madame Pompadour
was on a ballroom floor #
# Said all the gentlemen
obviously #
#The Madame
has the cutest #
# Personality #
#And think of all the books
about DuBarry's looks #
#What was it made her
the toast of Paris #
# She had a well-developed
personality #
#And what did Romeo
see in Juliet #
# Or Pierrot in Pierette #
# OrJupiter in Juno #
#You know #
#And when Salome danced and
had the boys entranced #
# No doubt it must have
been easy to see #
#That she knew
how to use her #
# Personality #
# So don't you say I'm smart
and have the kindest heart #
# Or what a wonderful
sister I'd be #
#Just tell me
how you like my #
# Personality #
##
# Personality ##
Well, duty calls.
I'll see you later.
What do you mean?
You saw her makin' with those eyes,
givin' me that come hither.
Givin' you that
come hither?
Yes.
Where
you goin'?
Thither.
You're not ''nither.'' She was
giving me the same business.
This gal's been around.
Takes a lad like me to handle her.
Like you?
Experience is
the best teacher.
The best teacher?
And I'm a PhD.
That's Pinheaded Dope.
Einstein--
Here comes the waiter
with the check.
Which one of you
two fellas is Sperry?
Experience is the
best teacher, huh?
Don't wait up for me.
I may have to stay after school.
That poor little lamb.
All right, girls,
everybody back!
Work fast. As soon as we
get the map, Ace is headin'
for his place up at Dawson.
You sure they're the right men?
They don't look like killers.
We're going to
a lot of trouble on this.
Don't make it tougher.
I appreciate--
You wanna get your mine,
don't you? Leave it to Ace.
He told you
to get that map.
He ain't particular
how you get it.
Come in.
Well, here I am.
Start burning the incense.
Come in.
Well,
here we are.
Yes,
here we are.
Well?
Well?
Care to shoot
a game of pool?
I'm glad I waited, Sperry.
Everything they said
about you is true.
I can only love a killer
and you've got ''killer''
written all over you.
Those shifty eyes,
that weak chin--
Camouflage.
How many men have
you killed this week?
Just 40 or 50. I've been
in a pretty good mood.
Let's not talk shop.
It seems to me
we've met somewhere before.
I don't think so.
Perhaps
in your dreams.
You wouldn't be seen
in those kind of places.
Some women can love
any type of man, but not me.
I've got to have a beast.
Is a wolf
considered a beast?
My, what
a fiery nature.
Let's throw
another log on it.
As far as I'm concerned,
this picture's over right now.
Oh, Sperry!
Never leave me,
Sal, you'll suffer.
Not for anything
in the world.
Not even if they
offered me... a gold mine.
Gold mine?
Money doesn't matter to me.
I don't care how poor you are.
You mean that,
don't you?
You've got nothing
to worry about.
Shh!
I'm loaded.
Loaded?
Gold mine
with nuggets.
Sperry,
don't be facetious.
Keep politics out of this.
I have the biggest
gold mine in Alaska.
It's ours...
yours and mine.
What about your partner?
Porky?
Just a stooge.
Once we get that map off
of him, we're rollin'.
He's got the map?
Don't worry. I'll get
it when he's asleep.
Where does he keep it?
Sorry, we don't tell anyone,
we're no fools.
Not even me?
Not even you.
I hope it's in a safe place.
Who'd ever think of
looking in his hat?
We're not amateurs,
you know.
I can see that.
It's getting late,
you'd better run along.
What's the rush?
I've got another
show to do.
But I just
got here.
I said, later.
Midnight,
my apartment?
Supper?
I'm not hungry.
I'll go work up
an appetite.
Come in.
You can take the lantern
out of the window, Sal gal.
The mighty McGurk is home.
Sit down.
Make yourself cozy.
I don't mind
if I do.
Well, this is
more like it.
Seems like they sent you
the wrong boy.
I asked
for McGurk.
You must've
spelled it with a ''J''.
I knew you'd come to
your senses sooner or later.
They all do.
It's not hard
to understand.
Where're
you goin'?
Cigarette.
You've got one.
I have,
haven't I?
I guess I'm a little mixed up.
See what you do to me?
You can't help yourself, babe.
You just joined the club.
Must have quite
a membership.
Coast to coast.
We can always squeeze
in a new member.
You're quite a panic with
the ladies, aren't you?
I'm murder when
I make my move.
Tell me,
how do
you do it?
It's the usual routine;
flowers, Sunday dinner
at home with the folks,
a ride in the park,
sing a little song and uh--
Sing a little song.
The song does it?
It sort of limbers
them up a little.
That song may be
just what we need here.
Baby, you and me
don't need no scales.
Come on.
You're not
going anywhere.
There's the piano.
Let's hear you practice
what you preach.
##
#Welcome
to my dream #
#And how are you #
#Will you
be here long #
# Or just
passin' through #
# Brush off
that stardust #
#Where have
you been #
#Don't tell me
your rainbow #
#Was late gettin' in #
#Welcome to my dream #
# It now seems real #
# You're what
it needed #
# To make it ideal #
# So glad you got here #
# I hope you can stay #
# But welcome
to my dream #
#Anyway ##
What's the matter, gal?
Want another chorus?
Later.
Later?
Midnight,
my apartment?
What for?
I'm here now.
A cozy little supper?
I'm not ''hongry.''
I'll go work up
an appetite.
Hope just said
that line, didn't he?
Why should he get
all the laughs?
Here it is.
Nice work, Miss Van Hoyden.
You know what to do.
Keep 'em here in town.
Give me 48 hours. I'll stake out
the claim and bring papers.
I don't know how
to thank you.
Forget it. We're only
too happy to take care of you.
You be careful. You've got
a couple of bad boys there.
I'll handle Mr. Sperry
and Mr. McGurk.
All right,
mush!
So you finally got
yourself a date?
You said it.
You pick up
a lonely walrus?
You know I don't cut
into your territory.
You know that school of
experience? I enrolled.
Tonight I take my
first exam... in cooking.
Never pass. I have
a date with teacher.
That's fine. I like--
What do you mean?
Midnight, supper,
her apartment.
I shall be there.
Doing what, waiting on tables?
That supper's for Chester.
Listen, fatter-than-me,
you're over-matching yourself.
She made the date with me.
Why would she make a date with
two guys at the same time?
Why not?
How about that? This youth
says you made a date with him.
Yes, I did.
You're darn right.
You invited me.
You sellin' tickets?
I like both of you so much,
and Sperry and McGurk always
work together as a team.
Not on everything, we don't.
Let's go downstairs
and talk this over.
Who was it that said,
''Two's company, three's a crowd?
Wasn't he silly?
Yes.
Yes.
I see no reason why
a girl can't have a
good time with two fellas.
As long as one's
her grandfather.
You don't
look that old.
So long, Sal.
Nice knowin' you.
Where you going?
North to cool off.
Don't you have
to have a map?
I got my half.
I got my half.
Half?
I'll see you
when we get back.
Sled's outside.
Let's get our coats and blow.
Where are they?
21 8.
What a blizzard!
We should've put on
some warm clothes.
Hope there's no
bear hunters around.
Mine's still alive.
Where do you step
on the starter?
No starter?
Must be last
year's model.
It's a dog sled!
We'll pull
it ourselves.
Not me!
In a blizzard?
Are you mad?
We're not dogs, you know.
I've got to get a sled.
No dogs till tomorrow.
Will you have any by daybreak?
I've got to get away.
Here we are,
off on another road!
And what a road!
Case those trees,
that snow, that scenery!
And get a load
of that bread and butter.
Bread and butter?
That's a mountain.!
May be a mountain to you,
but it's bread and butter to me.
Well, keep it shady.
I'm in a hurry.
Think you can
handle it?
Handle it!
I was raised up here. Mush!
# I don't care
where I'm going #
#Just as long
as I'm with you #
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
I saw ''Let's Face It.''
And I saw ''Dixie'' too.
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
#This country's
full of wolves #
# But you should make
'em laughingstocks #
#The girls are fond
of blubber #
#And the igloos
have no locks #
#You'll wow the lady Eskimos
They don't wear bobby socks #
#You're so faithful
and so fair #
Hit me with
your biscuit hook.
Coming with some hot skin!
#You've got that something
in your voice so right
for selling cheese #
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
I think your jokes
are great.
Do you?
It's just folks
are hard to please.
Yeah.
Your hand, sir.
Put that back
in the bowl.
#Your face could make
a fortune just your nose
should make a lot #
# I like the way
you wear #
#Those gaudy-colored
shirts you've got #
#The only time a rainbow
ever covered up a pot #
#We make
a perfect pair #
# Put it there #
My colleague.
My cohort.
My crony
my friend.
Companions.
Chums to the end.
Confederates.
Like meat
and potatoes.
Or salt and tomatoes.
# Boy what a blend #
# Don't put it in the paper
Don't put it on the air #
# Don't put it on the shelf
put it there #
Look who's here!
Santa Claus!
Say, there must be
a department store around here.
Well, well!
Chester and Duke.
Whoa!
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Got your Christmas
presents right here.
On your way, Fatso.
Think we're gonna fall
for that kid stuff?
You mean you don't believe
in Santa Claus?
What do you think we are?
Children? Infants?
Babies?
Very well.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'll just give 'em
to somebody else.
You'll be sorry!
Half a map! I let
two-bit hoodlums cross me up.
I didn't give 'em
much credit.
Maybe our nightingale
is holding out.
That's all she got.
I'll get
the other half--
No, you don't!
I'm not going to tangle
with the Mounties.
Van Hoyden
got half the map.
Let her get the other.
Suppose I go help
her out?
Yeah! I like that.
I don't!
I'm running this show.
You'll both go.
We'll give Kate a chance.
If that doesn't work,
then you take over.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Let's go down
and get them.
You know what Ace said.
We try Kate's way first.
McKenzie's cabin's there.
You understand?
Give me till
tomorrow morning.
We'll be waiting here.
And I was gonna
open a Turkish bath!
You had to feed
that monster!
And you had
to bring me to Alaska!
You should
quit grousin'!
You shoulda worn
ear muffs.
What for?
My ears fell off an hour ago.
We find that mine,
you'll be a rich man.
My hands are frozen, my feet,
everything's frozen!
You'll be sittin'
on top of the world!
Everything's frozen!
My nose is like
an icicle!
Icicle?
That's a glacier!
Hey, look!
A pedestrian!
Huh!
It's a dame!
A dame?
You kidding?
What would a dame
be doing up here?
It could be Sonja Henie.
Lemme see her.
Nothing doing. I found her.
Find one for yourself!
Say,
she ain't bad.
Is she alive?
Don't make no difference.
She's still mine.
Ha-ha,
she's alive!
Pick her up.
She's frozen.
I'd hate to be around
when she thaws out.
Goldilocks, let's get
out of this frappe.
Let me help.
Okay, but
don't enjoy it.
No fuel shortage
for us.
I got my
little stove.
Look who's here.
What are you
doing here?
We had a little date,
remember?
Nobody stands up
Skagway Sal.
You've got me wrong.
Who'd want to?
I've got my little stove now.
Ahh, cabin...
over there.
Get her to
the cabin fast.
Buster, put your stove on
the sled and we'll run along.
What are you gonna do?
We'd better start...
warming things up.
That's how it stands.
Either we get that map
off Sperry...
or those butchers'll
be down in the morning.
That's liable
to be a bit messy.
Murder?
I believe that's
the word for it.
Woop! Woop!
Ha-ha-ha!
This is jolly,jolly.
Snug-warm cabins,
congenial companions.
Yes, sir! Doing
grand, grand, grand.
I'd consider Sal showing up
quite a coincidence...
if I didn't know how
crazy she was about me.
Can't keep her eyes off me.
How come she's always
looking at me?
She wants to see what
a bargain she's getting.
I didn't notice her getting
the welcome mat out for you.
I'm already in the kitchen
with my shoes off.
Ooo, ooo!
Yes, sir, this is great.
I think
my worm has B.O.
It couldn't be you.
We'll get another.
I will admit there's something
phony about that dame.
She just don't seem
to belong here in Alaska.
Are you kidding?
That shows how much
you know about women.
Could you see that girl
anywhere but Alaska?
Nah, I guess not.
See what I mean?
You don't know any more
about women than you do
about fishing!
No?
You see what the
score is, don't you?
Duke, 1 3. Chester, 0.
You're skunked, ol' boy.
You're using loaded bait.
When it comes to fishing,
you can't tell how good a guy is...
until you know
what he's fishing for.
Hi, boys.
Here's my filet.
Warm it, honey,
right here.
McGurk, I'd like to be
alone with Sperry.
Run over to Peoria and get me
a ham sandwich and check with
me in about three years.
We may need you
as a bridesmaid.
Wait.
Number 1 4
just checked in.
Well, if you're a good boy,
I'll save you a few heads.
Pick one out
for yourself.
That guy burns me up,
him and his 1 4 fish.
You'd think there
was no romance left.
Think all a fella had to do
was catch one crummy fish!
Let's go for a walk
in the woods.
Just a minute.
I got more nibbles
than I can handle.
Hey, bud,
where's your partner?
He just stepped into--
huh?
Just tell him
15 was here.
Come on!
Okay.
Come on!
Come on, folks.
Quit following us, will ya?
It's funny, us going
for each other this way.
I guess
it just had to be.
We couldn't help it.
We were thrown together
by fate.
You weren't thrown together.
That took planning.
Oh, what a project!
Let's sit down.
The minute I heard you sing,
it hit me in the old ticker.
It was going... pitter-patter.
Then... patter-pitter!
How's it going now?
I can't tell
pitter from patter.
#You wouldn't dare
be too bold #
#Would you #
#And think that my hand
was to hold #
#Would you #
#And you
wouldn't play #
# On my sympathy #
#Then take advantage
of me #
#Would you #
#You shouldn't be
quite so near #
# Should you #
# Or whisper those words
in my ear #
# Should you #
#You can't get romantic #
#That you know
takes two #
# But darling #
# If I would #
#Would you ##
Ha-ha!
Hot snow.
Don't get anxious.
Didn't anyone ever
tell you there'd be
moments like this?
My school teacher...
just before we were expelled.
Sperry, how long
must we wait?
Huh?
McGurk's map. Suppose
he runs off with it?
I've got the other half!
I hope it's
in a safe place.
Don't worry.
We're not amateurs.
Where's the map?
There's only one map
I want to talk about.
Yours...
that skin, those lips.
Where is it?
Those eyes, they're beautiful--
and they match!
Are you going
to tell me?
Let's get back
to pitter-patter.
Come on!
Dinner's ready.
Who can eat?
Dinner.
Whoa!
Look at those tracks.
We must be on the
right trail. Come on!
I never thought a woman'd
get me to washing dishes,
drying 'em and liking it.
But I'm washing 'em
and I'm drying 'em...
and I'm liking it!
We'll need some water
for tomorrow's coffee.
Do you mind?
I might as well
get used to it.
I think I'll get
a little fresh air.
Why'd you get rid
of Chowderhead?
The map. He wants
to steal your half
and run away with me.
Who are you kidding?
What map?
He told you where
I had it, huh?
Fine pal.
That's friendship for you.
A man has to sink low when
he'll sell out his best friend.
You wouldn't say where
his map is, would you?
You're darn right I wouldn't.
It can stay in his
undershirt until it rots!
It shouldn't take long either.
I trusted him.
When do we leave?
Huh?
Can we get
it tonight?
You've been blowing hot and cold
all through this deal.
How come all of a sudden
I'm your boy?
I'm particular...
what type man I share
a gold mine with.
That the type?
It'll do.
Just some of
my lighter stuff.
Promise me something.
Go back to Frisco and
give yourself up.
What?
We'll fight together.
Maybe they won't hang you.
I got a little T.L. for you.
I'm not McGurk.
It was all an act.
We found the map on the boat.
My name's DukeJohnson.
I knew I couldn't
love a murderer.
That Sperry,
he's the killer.
Oh, a
despicable character!
Those weak eyes,
that shifty chin.
Of course.
Definite criminal type.
We'll take care
of him and his map.
It isn't his map,
it's mine.
It was my father's.
Now it's yours and mine.
The mine, understand?
I think the trip was
a little too much for you.
I'll get the map tomorrow.
There's no time.
They'll kill you.
Larson and those butchers
are up in the hills.
Get some shut-eye.
It'll fix you up.
I think this gal is cracking up.
put her to bed to get rest.
I'll go case
the killer.
But, Duke!
Hey, what's going on?
He's not McGurk and I'm
not going through with it.
I'm in love with him.
You fool! Those thugs
are in the hills.
If you love him, you've
got to go through with it.
He's not McGurk.
They can't kill him.
The only way you can save
him is to get to Ace Larson.
You'll never get out
of here without that map.
Well?
What do you say?
We'll get it tonight
when they're asleep.
#Welcome to my dream #
#And how are you #
#Will you be here long #
# Or just passing through #
# Brush off that stardust #
#Where have you been #
# Don't tell me
your rainbow #
#Was late gettin' in #
#Welcome to my dream #
# It now seems real #
#You're what it needed #
#To make it ideal #
Did you lose something?
Is that you, honey?
Don't say a word.
I'll do the talking.
You're puffing.
You didn't have to run here.
Things are gonna be different
after we're married.
I'm gonna do
big things for you.
I'm gonna buy you real furs.
You won't have to wear this
cheap imitation.
I'm gonna buy you a home.
No more sleeping on cold floors.
- Gesundheit, dear.
And the jewels I'm gonna buy!
Emerald bracelets down to there.
And diamond rings
for your fingers too.
They'll go so well with
those long nails of yours.
Honey, you've been
working too hard!
- Sperry, are you awake?
- Of course, I'm awake.
- Who's that with you?
- Who do you think? It's you.
Grr.
It's... a bear.
Keep calm,
just keep calm.
Help!
Who's your girlfriend,
Junior?
It's a bear.
Do something!
Who do you think I am,
Daniel Boone?
Looks like we've got
another mouth to feed.
Looks like I'm on the menu.
Get my arm
out of here.
She likes
affection maybe.
Keep it up or
we'll both be bear bait.
We'll be so happy together.
I can see us romping
around Yellowstone Park.
- We'll live with your folks.
- Grrr!
All right,
with my folks!
We'll raise a family,
a boy for you, a bear for me.
Help!
We're cooked.
Here's the house detective.
A fine thing!
A fish they let talk.
Me... they won't give
one stinking line!
Whoa! Whoa!
I hope
he'll understand.
Quit worrying.
Come on, Lebec.
Let's go.
Mush!
Come on! Cut it out.
Fix our breakfast, Dollface.
We'll see you later.
Ahh.
Come on, girls.
Hi, fellas.
Where's that map?
The map?
Oh-- Oh, the map!
Yeah, the map.
Don't worry.
We got it.
Yeah, we got it.
It's in his cap
and in my--
Let me see that cap.!
Okay, this is it.
Wait. We'll get
the map for you.
Sure.
Where is it?
Well, it's in--
It's in the
bear's mouth.
Get it
and be quick.
Smart guys, us.
We're a couple of pigeons.
A dame hits us twice
with those big moose eyes...
and we start
giving away gold mines.
If we get that map back,
I'm brushing dames off forever.
They're poison.
They run their fingers
through your hair, then
throw you in the gutter.
You know
what's worse?
What?
I love it.
Next time,
we shoot first.
And ask questions afterwards.
Those guys are green.
They won't get far.
They took our dogs!
Those ain't the only dogs
in Alaska!
We'll find some.
A couple of
prospectors.
Yeah.
Reach!
Mush!
They got a good start.
We'll catch 'em.
Did you ever think
of those dog teams?
The lead dog is the only dog
that gets a change of scenery.
Care for
another pillow?
No, I'm fairly
comfortable.
Yes.
Mind the bumps
like a good fella, eh?
Whoa!
There they are.
Who's that?
Moose hunting.
Mush, mush!
Mush. I'm dying
and you want to eat.
Go ahead.
Come on, boy!
Boy! Why didn't
I think of this before?
Exciting, isn't it?
If Hope and Crosby are caught,
they'll be killed.
They won't be able to tell
any more of those jokes.
Come on,
mush, mush!
Whoa! What is this?
Alcatraz?
Let's hit
for the rocks.
It's our
only chance.
Hey, they'll find us.
It's either us
or them.
My money's on them.
I'll take this rope.
We may need it.
Nice place to throw
the Grand Canyon.
All this ice
and no ginger ale.
Stay up.
You'll get a draw.
You all right?
We gotta get out somewhere,
either up or down.
It ain't down.
Let's go down the middle.
Okay.
Oh-oh, dead end.
A one-way mountain.
What'll we do now?
We'll use the rope.
There must be some
reason for it.
It might catch on a tree, huh?
They gotta be here
somewhere.
Here goes.
One in a million.
Throw a nail up too.
Oh, hey!
Help!
We made it!
Made it?
Boy, one in a million.
One in a million!
It's solid, let's go.
Woop!
Hold on!
Oh, boy.
Say, you got
a match?
Yeah. Ohhh!
What's the matter?
You crazy?
Match. Rub your head
against the rocks.
All out.
Top floor.
Going down.
I'm slipping.
Untie your boot.
You touch that boot and
I'll cut your hand off!
Boy, that'll hold 'em.
We could've been killed!
Hey, am I dead?
I can't tell.
You always look that way.
Come on!
Shh!
Shh.
Shh!
Shh! One little sound
starts a whole avalanche.
I should have
worn my derby.
You want them to hear us?
Hiccup the other way.
That's the only way
I know how.
Suppress it somehow.
Frighten me.
I can't.
I haven't got a mirror.
Sing something.
Huh?
It's cracking up.
One little sound
starts an avalanche.
Don't worry.
I'm okay now.
Concentrate. Count to 20.
I can't. I've
got my mittens on.
Count!
Five, ten, fifteen--
What now?
I think one more
will do it.
Let's see you come up
with something now.
Ready, aim, fire.
I can't.
I'm out of gas.
Think of something, somebody.
W.C. Fields.
Who?
Now for Dawson City
and those dames!
Dames! We'll be lucky
if we get to Dawson City.
Just a minute.
I'm the navigator.
What? Again?
They're not Sperry and McGurk.
It's all a mistake.
Mistakes happen,
but that can be remedied.
I'll send a couple boys
back to the cabin...
and they can explain things
to Sperry and McGurk.
They're not Sperry
and McGurk!
Well, whoever they are.
You wait here.
I don't want
any slipup.
How do we spot 'em?
Wherever they go,
they travel with
a big shaggy dog.
Drink up.
Keep your eyes open.
They may be on
their way here now.
Mush, mush!
Whoa, you dogs.
Okay, gas up, kids.
Very tiring trip.
I should've had you at
the other end of the sled.
Come on, Curly.
Where you going
with that fleabag?
We got trouble enough.
Stake her out there.
Don't want her?
Put her over here.
Wait for us, Fuzz.
If you see anything in slacks,
bark twice and I'll join you.
Don't forget,
be fair.
We act tough.
Mosey over to the bar
and ask a few questions.
Why, ''shore.''
Couple of strangers
in town.
Hello, boys.
You new in town?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Join me
in a drink?
Don't mind
if we do.
What'll you have?
Oh, a couple fingers
of rotgut.
What's yours?
I'll take a lemonade...
in a dirty glass!
What's all
the celebration?
A posse. There's going
to be a little hanging.
Little hanging, huh?
Well, what do you know.
Hanging, huh?
Well, that's
''noose'' to me.
That's noose--
I made a joke.
We're killing 'em here.
Or vice versa.
Hangin', huh?
Sounds gay.
Sure does.
Happy hunting, partner.
Who are you stringing up?
Couple of fellas who call
themselves Sperry and McGurk.
You don't happen
to know them, do you?
I know Sperry when I see McGurk.
I mean, I know McGurk when--
Never heard of'em.
Join us?
We'd love to,
but it's getting late.
Got a little ironing to do.
Hey, you!
It's going to be
a lovely hanging, boys.
I have an idea
you ought to be there.
Look, stranger, how you
gonna hang these fellows?
You don't know 'em.
How 'bout that?
We'll know 'em
when we see 'em.
They always travel
with a big shaggy dog.
Well, I--
I-yi-yi-yi.
I-yi-yi-yi.
A big shaggy dog,
huh?
Yeah!
The minute we see that dog,
we're gonna string them up.
The minute
you see the dog--
Gonna string them up, eh?
Sounds like a cinch.
All you gotta do
is find a big shaggy dog.
Alaska's full of them
big shaggy fellas.
A dime a dozen around here.
All you have to do...
is find a big
shaggy dog?
What's the
matter with him?
His foot's gone to sleep.
Stomp on it a bit.
- Woof!
- Woof!
Woof!
Woof!
He thinks he's a dog.
His mother was frightened
by a Pekingese.
Woof.
Woof, woof.
That's all right, Rover.
Gimme your paw, Rover.
Gimme your paw.
That's a good dog.
Okay,
I'm over it.
You don't think
you're a dog?
I'm not a dog.
You feel all right?
Feel how cold
my nose is.
Oh, what a hot horn!
This is a sick dog, sick boy.
He doesn't look sick.
Let me hear that bark.
- Woof!
- Woof!
Quite a big echo.
Come on, Fido.
Woof, woof!
Oh, he's gone again.
He's gone.
Downhill... the
whole place slants.
Whoa, boy.
Woof!
Woof!
Woof!
A little congested.
We'll use
the family entrance.
Woof, woof, woof!
It's been fun!
Let's get 'em!
Come on, boys!
Hey! Sal.
Why...
the little crook.
That's the story, Mr. Lebec.
Kate can tell you.
The only reason I went through
with it was to save their lives.
I'm in love
with one of them.
I'd die before I'd let
anything happen to him.
Very noble of you.
Imagine a girl
loving a guy that much.
Yeah.
I'm not worth it.
I'm a regular
Casablanca.
Casanova!
When did they
change that?
Mr. Larson will understand.
They're here!
Put the map in the safe.
What about her?
Tie her up. I'll
take care of her later.
Why the dirty--
I told you they wouldn't
let you say that.
We gotta save her!
We'll get that map first.
It's hers!
Suppose they
knock her off?
They'll be
looking for us.
We'll get the map and the girl.
What a parley!
Now you're talking.
Come on, push, push!
Hey, get out.
Go chase a tree.
Get rid of him.
Throw something.
A stick or something.
Get me some brandy.
A stick, yeah.
Sic! Go!
That way.
What do you hear?
Shh!
Who taught you
that racket?
My old man.
Oh, following in your
father's fingerprints, huh?
He was great.
Need a little light.
I'll light
the lantern.
No, you crazy?
They'll see us.
There's a box
of candles.
It's a funny-looking candle.
Why has it got
such a big wick?
The nights up here
are six months long.
Oh.
And me with insomnia.
There's something wrong
with this thing.
Blow on it a little.
Bring it down here.
Let me see.
Duke, I'm kinda glad
you talked me into this deal.
You said it was Utopia
and you were right.
It's been a lot of work
and I've beefed a lot
but I'll never blow up again.
Come to Papa.
There you are, you
pleasant little parchment.
That's great!
It's only sensational.
Sensational?
It's dynamite!
It's dynamite!
Take it, it's dynamite.
Dynamite?
Well, finders keepers!
I couldn't stand the noise.
Wait for me.
Throw it out the window.
Out the window!
Back away.
Don't crowd, you dog.
Take five.
You had to bring that dog!
This is no time to go
shooting off your mouth.
He's going to do it for us.
Oh, what a fur coat
he's going to make.
Locked?
Let's spread out
before the joint does.
They must be here.
Get out and find them.
Maybe we could sneak through.
That's a slaughter house.
You wanna hang upside down?
What size hook
do you want?
Look.!
Dynamite, see?
The real thing, see?
I'll give you three to get
out of here. One, two--
Nice going. Douse it!
Put it out!
Ooo, got a hot knuckle.
Attaboy.
Thought they could
scare me, huh?
You got plenty of heart.
It's just close in here.
What round was it?
Let's find Sal
and get out.
In here.!
Right rudder.
Don't worry, baby.
We're here now.
We showed 'em!
We're not amateurs.
No, sir!
Get you outta here
in no time.
We'll get you outta here.
Don't worry.
I smell
something burning.
The dynamite!
Put that out!
Ooo! It's me!
Here!
Come on.
It's dynamite going off
in there!
Where's that map?
Okay, you win.
Start talking!
It's in there in the desk.
Third drawer from the right.
Want us to get it?
No more of
your tricks.
This time, we'll
get it ourselves!
We'll hear from them later.
They'll be men about town.
Let's go.
Well, that's it.
The map, the mine,
the three million dollars.
Not quite.
Mush!
Come on!
Look!
No hands!
Watch out, no teeth.
Please...
my sponsor.
This way, come on!
Wait. That's north.
There isn't any north.
I suppose it went
south for the winter!
You're near
the North Pole.
What about it?
There's no north,
south, east or west.
You're crazy!
East is east and west is west
and never the twain shall meet.
There's no direction
at the North Pole.
An eight-year-old knows that.
Next time come here
with an eight-year-old child.
You'll do!
- Are you getting shorter?
- Me? How 'bout you?
Oh, I thought it was
getting drafty.
Aaah!
Look out.!
They're coming behind you.
Come on,jump.!
I can't make it.
Here's the map.
I'll hold 'em off
as long as I can.
Take care of Sal.
She's yours now.
So long, Sal.
So long, Duke.
Boy, what a pal.
Anything I can do for you?
Any last requests?
Look up my mother.
- Anything else?
- Uh, give her my watch.
Anything else?
Tell her to
give you a hot foot.
What happened, Duke?
How did you get away?
Simple enough.
There were only 1 5 of them.
I picked them up one by one,
knocked 'em out and
tossed 'em in the chasm.
Naturally.
Sal, how
have you been?
How's he been
treating you?
No complaints, Duke.
Chester has been a devoted
husband and a fine father.
Father?
You have children?
One, a boy.
Would you like to see him?
Junior?
Did you call me, Mom?
We adopted him.
SubRip:diamarg
don't go to the movies,
let me introduce myself.
My name is
Robert Benchley.
Well, no matter.
For one reason or another,
the motion picture which
you are about to see...
is not very
clear in spots.
As a matter of fact,
it was made to demonstrate how
not to make a motion picture...
and at the same time
win an Academy Award.
Now, someone in what is
known as ''the front office''...
has thought that an
occasional word from me...
might help clarify
the plot and other vague
portions of the film.
Personally, I doubt it.
Shall we go?
It's 8:00, Pa.
Bedtime.
Put down that paper.
In a minute, Ma.
In a minute.
Land's sakes, pa.
Sittin'there night after night
pouring your eyes out
over that old stock market.
Think by now
you'd be tired of it.
Well, 'tain't easy, ma,
to change the habits of a lifetime.
Lot of nonsense--all that
buyin'and sellin'-- Bulls and Bears.
Can't see how
a body can figure it out.
Right now it's
kind of bearish,
Ma, kind of bearish.
Come along,
it's 8:00.
I'm not a child. I know
when it's time to go to bed.
Pa!
It's time.
Come on, Pa.
Doc says I can stay
up till half past.
I know, but by the time
we get your ears washed
and your teeth put away--
All right, I guess.
Here we go.
Look and see if
everything got up with me.
#For always #
Do you hear
what I hear?
I hope not.
That voice.
What voice?
Listen. What does it
sound like?
Who'd be sellin'
fish at this hour?
After 3 5 years--
Pa, you don't think--
Oh, no,
it couldn't be.
But it is. That voice.
I'd know it anywhere.
You would, huh?
Shuck and gosh darn it.
And I thought this was
gonna be an ''A'' picture.
Duke!
Sal!
Duke.!
Sal!
It isn't true.
I don't believe it.
Just got in from Alaska
and I came right to you.
Right from out
of the grave.
Nice diggin', hmm?
My, uh, nieces.
Girls, old friends of
your uncle's, the Hootons.
How do you do?
Just think, 3 5 years, Duke.
It doesn't seem possible.
Sal, let me look at you.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
And Chester,
you're a sight.
Don't forget a man is
just as young as he feels.
Take 'em away. The doctor
says I can't have 'em anymore.
You've got very little
to complain about.
You won the girl,
got the gold mine-- All this.
Things have surely
stacked up well for you.
Who's doin' your
stackin' lately?
Chester!
Girls, the Hootons and I
have a few things to discuss.
If you'll run along, Uncle will
meet you later at the club.
Nice goin',
''Uncle.''
Nice family tree and
the limbs ain't bad either.
Duke, tell us
all about Alaska.
We left you for dead.
How did you ever get away?
It's a long story.
I wouldn't want to bore you.
It's never
stopped you before.
Tell us.
You remember when
it all started.
Chester and I were
playing San Francisco.
The turn of the century.
There was gold in the Klondike
and San Francisco was wide open.
A million suckers just
waitin' to be clipped.
There was excitement
and adventure.
There was romance.
And one night, you remember,
there was murder.
This is a device
known as ''the flashback.''
Okay, George.
Gold!
Millions!
Open up.
What happened?
Sperry, McGurk...
the window.
What is it,
Mr. Lattimer?
They got it--
The map, your father's mine.
The police
will get them.
Never.
They're too smart.
But Mr. Lattimer--
Alaska--
Go to Skagway.
Ask for Ace Larson.
Ace Larson?
Where do I arrange my passage?
No time, lady.
Get it on board.
- Take it away,Joe.
- Right, Cap.
You better hurry,
we're shovin' off.
Thank you.
Take it away,
boys.
Hey, look!
We've gotta
get on that boat.
Too late, mister.
Next boat's tonight at midnight.
Extra.! Murder in Hotel Room.
Read all about it.
Map of Van Hoyden Mine Stolen.
Extra.! Read all about it.!
It's them!
Who?
Sperry and McGurk.
##
# Everybody here knows
Good Time Charlie #
# Charlie is
a perfect clown #
#Always kills the folks
with funny jokes #
#And turns the parlor
upside down #
# Everybody sure likes
Good Time Charlie #
# No one ever
saw him frown #
# But here's
the funniest part #
# Down deep
in his heart #
# He's the lonesomest
man in town #
Charlie, why are you on this
mad, mad merry-go-round?
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm your friend.
You can tell me,
Charlie.
You're wasting
your life away.
Someday you'll be
old and all alone.
Think it over.
You're not fooling me,
Charlie.
It's your childhood
sweetheart.
But you're a great,
great man.
Great to take it
the way you have.
You're doin' the
right thing. Laugh!
Ha, ha, ha.
Dance!
Play the fool!
# He's the lonesomest
man in town #
#The lonesomest
man in town #
Three, a-two,
a-three, a-four.
# He's always
good for a laugh #
# But...
you don't know the half #
# He's only
happy-go-lucky #
#Till the lights
are turned down #
#Then he's the lonesomest
man in town ##
And now, to go from the
super to the supernatural,
we bring you
''Ghost-O,''
the most amazing
novelty game of the age,
stolen at great personal risk...
from the high priest of
the Lost Tribe of Darkest Anesthesia...
and brought to these shores by
that great oriental mystic...
and secret Hindu potentate,
professor Hakin Zambini.!
And now, ''Ghost-O''...
and the man who
has brought fortunes to
thousands of lucky people,
professor Zambini.
Holy Toledo!
Holy Toledo!
Bushwa.
Silence, dear friends.
I shall attempt to
contact the other world.
Master, shall
I remove myself?
The spirit will
do it for us.
Ala-kaballa, presto-sturgando,
double-forzando.
Silence!
Silence, dear friends.
I feel the presence
of spirits in the room.
What I do
for money.
Matoom-bomba.
Diddy-wa-diddy matoom-bomba.
Diddy-wa-diddy, ester-chay.
The oint-jay is ull-fay of ump-chays--
Ump-chays--
There's one here, too.
Spirits,
are you with us?
Are you there?
Am I there?
Where can I go?
- Are you there?
- If I was, I wouldn't be here.
Spirits,
are you with us?
That's the spirit!
We have made contact.
To prove it, I shall have
the spirit do my bidding.
Spirit, lift the table.
Spirit, lift.!
The flesh is willing but
the spirits are weak.
However, we shall proceed
with the magic game of Ghost-O.
Taking this
fabulously jeweled box,
I shall place
a five-dollar bill therein,
close the
box regretfully,
incant a few magic
words thereover,
and gamble upon the
generosity of the spirits.
Matoom-bomba Ester-chay,
willet-gay under-day
dwit-ay matoom-bomba.
What have we here?
A crisp ten-dollar bill.
Indeed, the spirits
are generous tonight.
Why am I monopolizing
this lucrative phenomenon?
Who among you would
like to try for 1 0,
20, 30 dollars--
any small amount?
I'll try
for a dollar.
A dollar? An assignment
for one of the smaller spirits;
however, a buck is a buck and
the spirits are always in there.
Matoom-bomba
matoom a-double-bomba.
A crisp new
five-dollar bill.
Five for one. Here you are.
Who among you shall be next?
10 dollars!
I'll try for 15.
We are building, however,
it's a big box and there's
room in there for both of you.
The spirits will have to
take dead aim this time.
Atch-it-way, Ester-chay.
Matoom-bomba, Sam-cheron
on-the-half-shell.
Hiya, George!
Welcome home, Abe!
Looks like a spirit got
away with this one, folks.
That's the spirit.
Sometimes he puts,
sometimes he takes.
Who's next? Just
bring a buck in a truck.
Ten dollars.
Twenty-five.
Twenty dollars here.
Don't get shut out.
Wait a minute.
Let's try in here.
There they are!
Out the
back way!
Just a moment,
please.
They don't seem to
think we're on the level.
Some people are
so suspicious.
Ghost-O! I didn't think there
was one more way to get the cops
after us, but you found it!
50 for Duke, 50 for Chester.
1 0 for Duke, 1 0 for Chester.
Some life. Always one jump
ahead of the Sheriff.
5 for Duke, 5 for Chester.
That boat sails
in 20 minutes.
Let it sail.
Look, mastermind,
the tour is over.
We've been posse-baitin'
every town from coast to coast.
We just ran out of towns.
From now on, it's oceans
and we take boats.
A Confederate ten-spot!
How can people be so crooked?
We're taking
the boat to New York.
Not that boat.
Going the wrong way?
It's going south,
should be going north.
Going north?
Where they got that yellow stuff...
that ever-lovin' powder.
Gold?
That's right.
Alaska!
Yes.
No you don't! Alaska?
It's so cold...
if you shake hands,
they take it and throw it away.
It's Utopia.
Everybody's getting gold.
I got all the gold
I want in my teeth.
I'm takin' my dough to Brooklyn
and opening a Turkish bath--
with tables for ladies.
Where're you going
with all that cabbage?
I'm gonna pickle it.
Yours? All of it?
What happened to 50-50?
All of it.
You've been leading me
by the nose, chiseling
me right and left.
Me chiseling you?
I got a record
of every chizz.
This is fantastic.
It's right here
in black and white.
Niagara Falls...
$300 for hospital bills.
All you had to do was
find some yokel and send him
over the falls in a barrel.
It was a great stunt.
I almost
broke my neck.
Pittsburgh, Chicago,
and how 'bout Kansas City?
You picked my pocket of
7 5 bucks so you could take
Mabel Bronschweiger on a buggy.
Mabel Bronschweiger.
Lady blacksmith.
She was your girl.
I sat in the hotel lobby
while you took her for
a ride in the woods.
She was in fresh air.
Didn't I front for
you in Oklahoma?
Hilda,
the oilman's daughter?
Sent you in there.
Was she born or did
they have to drill for her?
$1 200 worth right there,
but I'll settle for this.
You wanna go to Alaska
and be a blubber-ball for
a bunch of trained seals?
Go ahead, I'm
headin' home.
I can't stand in
your way.
If that's the way you feel,
that's the way you feel.
That's the way
I feel about it.
Don't start tellin' my fortune.
It won't do you any good.
What do you think of this?
A black nine on a red jack.
You use those cards to trick me
in every crooked deal we had.
No more, I'm too smart.
You're wastin' you're time,
DukeJohnson.
I'm goin' right back
where I-- What is it?
What's it say?
It's nothing.
You can say that again.
I know those cards.
This is amazing!
They're as phony as you are.
It's lucky I'm smart--
What is it?
What do you see?
You're not interested.
It's a partnership?
It's us.
We're back in New York.
New York?
Yes, and we're rich.
We're driving down to 5th Avenue
in a gold-plated carriage.
5th Avenue?
Yeah, we're sittin' there
smoking dollar cigars...
and we're throwing $50 bills
at the round haircuts.
5th Avenue?
We just turned
down 42nd Street.
Wait'll I get back
in the carriage.
Where you been?
You don't want that crowd
to get all that dough?
Let them have it.
We've got billions.
Where'd
we get it?
Utopia.
Alaska? Pretty smart.
Gave me a fast shuffle, huh?
You'd better face it.
The cards say Alaska.
No wonder,
it's a cold deck.
This seems to be a scene
they put in after I saw
the picture in the studio.
Obviously a lot of extras--
I don't know.
Read all about it.
''Van Hoyden Murderers
Still at Large. ''
Extra paper.
Read all about it.
Extra paper.
Police Anticipate
an Early Arrest.
Van Hoyden's Murderers
Still at Large. Extra.
Hey, boy!
See what happened
to Happy Hooligan.
Careful, don't get hurt.
You'll snap off a thumb.
Keep it.
Well, Chester, looks like
the end of the line for you and I.
There goes Chester and
there goes little old Duke.
That's pretty heavy carfare.
How're you gonna make it?
I'll get along somehow.
Don't worry about me.
Well, Duke,
I guess this is it.
I never thought
we'd end this way.
It's so different.
I'm holdin' the dough
and you're holdin' the bag.
I never thought
I'd have the biggest end.
You've always had
much the biggest end.
Where do you keep your butter?
It was great while it lasted.
What a combo.
Lot of laughs.
Lot of snickers.
We had a couple of things
that money couldn't buy.
I usually got the ugly one.
No hard feelings.
No hard
feelings at all.
So long.
So long.
Well, see ya.
Chester?
Huh?
I can't let you go like this.
Not without letting you know...
whatever happens,
you can always count on me.
That's fine, Duke,
just fine.
I want you to feel that
whatever I have is yours.
Somehow I feel that
whatever you have is mine.
Duke, that little speech
touched me. We're pals.
If we want something,
we don't have to ask for it.
We know it's there
and we take it.
This is it, son. Let me
have one last look at you.
Duke--
Don't speak. Don't say it.
Go quickly and don't look back.
So long, Duke!
Good-bye, Chester.
No hard feelings.
I forgive you for everything;
Hilda, Mabel, the whole works.
Even for trying
to pick my pocket just now.
Why, you dirty rogue!
Wait a minute there!
Emergency!
Look out!
I gotta catch a boat!
Look out!
Out of my way!
Out of my way!
Whoops!
Out of your way.
Spread out boys, you're liable
to get blood all over you.
Chester, whatever seems
to be the trouble?
''Trouble,'' he says?
''Don't look back,'' he says?
I oughta--
Chester, don't fight this thing.
It's too big for you.
Like it says in the cards,
you're on your way to Alaska.
Huh?
Alaska?
I'm goin' to New York!
Stop the boat!
Wait!
What's goin'
on here?
Alaska!
We're goin' to Alaska!
He's gone, this boy--
The gold and everything,
Don't listen to
that cheap phony.
I'm perfectly sane.
Would a sane man go to Alaska
in a Palm Beach suit?
I'm goin' to Brooklyn
to open a Turkish bath--
See what I mean?
Take him to my cabin.
I've handled him before.
I don't want to go to Alaska.
It's cold there!
Icicles, popsicles,
Eskimo pies!
Take your hands off me.
Look, I'm sane.
2 and 2 is 4.
4 and 4 is 8.
8 and 8 is--
[ Duke ]
Ahh.! Ahh.!
Take me below.
He's gone.
We've lost this boy.
You wouldn't do this
if I was in shape.
You need any help,
just call us.
Stand by with a light mallet.
Me on a boat to Alaska?
Maybe I am crazy.
Chester--
Don't give me any talk,
just give me my money.
Don't you think it would be better
if you let me hold the money?
Give me that cabbage
before I part your derby.
If that's the
way you feel--
That's the
way I feel.
Is it all here?
Count it.
We gotta be careful.
This is a strange boat.
There's a lot of crooks around.
You won't be lonesome.
You know way down underneath
I'm honest.
But on top,
you're a rat.
That money would be
safer in my pocket.
You kiddin'?
We're not putting the money
in your pocket or my pocket,
we're puttin' it where
it belongs... in the safe.
See?
Man overboard!
Wait!
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
It's only money.
Has no
personality.
You and those cards.
I can't understand.
Must've been a Pinochle deck.
Keep scrubbin'!
Make it shine!
Are you kiddin'?
My fingernails are all gone.
For the last hour I've been
using up the white meat.
You'll keep on 'til you
work you way back to Frisco!
Not me! I've had enough!
Me, too! Who do you think
you're pushin' around?
We're not cattle,
you know!
Moo!
Moo!
Thanks.
Baked ham around here.
Silly place
to get a hotfoot.
Come on, help yourself.
This is no sailboat.
I'm doing my share.
You look like an agent
standing there.
That fire's important.
Makes the boat go.
That's right.
Supposing
it goes out?
Supposing it does?
I'm ready.
Oh, that's--
Pardon me.
Thanks.
What do you do
around here?
Nothing.
You in this picture?
No, taking a short
cut to Stage 1 0.
Very fine, Tony.
All right, who's next?
Let's go, Dad. You're on.
I'm not following
monkeys this season.
They'll think it's an encore.
Besides, 1 0 bucks is 1 0 bucks.
Don't be bashful.
Who's next?
Here's your boy.
Stay in there.
Can I borrow that
Stomach Steinway?
Take good care of him.
You kiddin'?
It's got asthma now.
##
#You think that money
is everything #
#And yet it's
anybody's spring #
# Go make a fortune
become a king #
#And still it's
anybody's spring #
#And if you
flash a bankroll #
# Do you suppose
the brook would care #
# Or that a rose would say #
# ''There goes a millionaire'' #
# It's more than diamonds
around a ring #
# Because it's
anybody's spring #
#You may be born with
the silver spoon #
#And yet it's
anybody's moon #
#You couldn't buy a ticket #
#To hear the first robin sing #
# It's free because it's
anybody's spring #
##
I never knew I could play
one of these.
You could
beat the monkey.
#You couldn't
buy a ticket #
#To hear the
first robin sing #
# It's free because it's
anybody's spring ##
Very nice.
Very nice.
Now for the winner.
Line up here, please.
He's wasting time.
Naturally.
Next time,
I bring Sinatra.
Could you tell me where
I could find a Mr. Ace Larson?
At his place,
I reckon--
The Golden Rail.
Thank you.
So I came up here as fast
as I could, Mr. Larson.
If you'll only help me,
I'll be glad to pay you--
Pay me?
You seem to forget, my dear,
your father was my best friend.
Thank you.
Who did you say
stole that map?
I didn't, but they were seen--
Two men, Sperry and McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk, huh?
You know them?
By reputation only.
Two of the blackest
cutthroats that ever
dirtied up the Klondike.
- Maybe the police--
- That won't be necessary.
Go down to the dock.
I want to know the minute
those two hit town.
I can't begin to
thank you, Mr. Larson.
Forget it.
What do you do?
I beg your pardon?
For your living.
How do you get by?
I sing a little.
I like that.
From now on,
you'll work for me.
Now don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.
Just leave everything to me.
You've been
terribly sweet.
The dirty dog. He just
wants to get Dorothy into
one of those scanty costumes.
Not a
bad idea.
I'm working
for Mr. Larson--
Upstairs.
Thank you.
Who's the
fancy baggage?
A little lady who's
lost a gold mine.
Are you the lost and found
department?
I'm gonna help
her get it back.
Aren't you stepping
a little out of character?
I don't know.
The mine's worth about
three million dollars.
What do we get
out of it?
About three
million dollars.
Doesn't leave the
''little lady'' much, does it?
That's what I like about you.
You're good at arithmetic.
The boat docks in Skagway
but are we getting off?
Oh, no, we're cooked.
I didn't want
to get on this boat.
I was Shangri-La'd.
Shanghaied,
old man.
Well, one of those
towns in Egypt.
What do you
got there?
Just an old piece of paper,
that's all.
What're you puttin' it
in your pocket for?
I save old paper.
Some people save old string.
I think folding
is more fun than twisting.
What is it?
Just a map
of an old gold mine.
What?
Just a little one. Good for
a couple of inlays maybe.
Let's see it.
I'm an old map man.
It's my
type of work.
Chester, you realize
what this is?
It's a map.
It's the Van Hoyden gold mine.
You read the papers.
You think so?
The guys that have this room
must be the killers.
Dirty rats.
[ Duke ]
We got the map. It's ours.
How do you figure?
The law of the Yukon--
Possession.
How 'bout the murderers?
We'll turn them
over to the cops.
- They should be boiled in oil.
- I told you... a gold mine.!
I saw it in the cards.
Those beautiful cards.
Riding down 5th Avenue.
Throwing 50-dollar bills
at the round haircuts.
We'll be
living like kings.
Living like kings?
I abdicate.
Nice little mine
you got here, fellas.
Wear it in
good health, boys.
Nice to meet you.
Come on, Chester.
We got a little dust
of our own to take care of.
Start cleaning up here.
That blood.
There's no
blood there.
There's gonna be.
No noise.
You wanna wake up
the neighborhood?
This is much better.
Yeah? I ain't
afraid to die.
I just hate
being killed.
Wait a minute.
Think it over.
For a couple of years.
You wouldn't want to dirty
a nice knife over a stale
couple of million bucks.!
What do we do now?
Remember Schenectady?
Okay fellas,
we're ready.
We ain't askin'
for no mercy.
Can we say
our prayers?
Okay.
Be quick about it.
Bailey...
Crawford.
Bailey...
Crawford.
No trace of those
stowaways, sir.
I ain't worried.
If they're gettin' off, they've
got to come through here.
Flannery.
Flannery.
peters.
peters.
Lombardi.
Lombardi.
Sperry.
And McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk.
Sperry and McGurk?
Yeah, Sperry and McGurk.
What about it, partner?
What about it?
Nothing, boys. Only,
just don't make any trouble.
Things are different
since you boys were here.
It's nice and peaceful.
Don't worry, we're
law-abiding citizens now.
Anybody says we ain't,
we'll plug 'em.
Hey, Sperry and McGurk
just hit town.
Sperry and McGurk?
Yeah, and they're
headed this way.
Here they
come now!
What goes with
the local peasantry?
One look at us and they
run right out of the joint.
I feel like I'm
back in vaudeville.
I don't know what Sperry
and McGurk did to this burg,
but they're dynamite.
We own this town.
I'll sell cheap.
I don't like it.
If those hoodlums ever
get off that boat,
we'll be smiling from ear
to ear with our throats.
Forget it.
The town's ours-- Food,
liquor, supplies, anything.
All we got to do is act tough.
Tough?
Remember, you're Sperry
and I'm McGurk.
Got it?
Got it.
Made it.
Not quite.
It's a leaner.
What'd I tell ya?
We got the royal suite,
dinner, liquor,
sled loaded with
a month's supplies.
Hasn't cost us a dime.
Clamber out of that beaver.
How'll they know we're
Sperry and McGurk?
We'll tell 'em.
If those two butchers
ever get off that boat,
we'll wind up hamburger,
blood-rare.
I don't like it.
You don't like it?
You don't know a good thing
when you see it.
This town's a whole
big jackpot for us.
I don't like it.
Skagway Sal wants
to see you boys.
I'm beginning
to like it.
Get out of here!
We got business.
Who'd you say?
Skagway Sal.
Well, come on in.
That's our business.
Where does, uh--
hang out?
Golden Rail.
Looky here,
Skunky.
Anybody ever see Sperry and
McGurk with their beards off?
Not that I know of.
Spread the news around.
They're gonna see it tonight.
Okay.
Skagway Sal, let's go.
Now they're furnishing dates.
This is a great town.
We're beginning to operate.
Sal's waitin'.
What's the rush?
There's only one dame.
You better clamber out of
that mattress before somebody
asks you for a cough drop.
You better let
me hold the map.
What for?
You know how you act when
you get around women.
The only thing I do is
get ''around'' the women.
Give me the map.
Don't forget,
half s mine.
Half of it's yours.
Here you are.
What're you doing?
Putting mine in my
hat in a safe place.
You'd better do
the same thing.
In a safe
place, huh?
What do you think
of my underwear?
Not much,
but put it there.
Throw that
candy away.
I got a sweet tooth.
We're supposed to be killers...
supposed to look tough.
The almonds are tough.
Lose it.
Throw it away.
Stash it.
Here, Fuzzy.
Dessert? Come on.
When you get to an elbow,
it's mine.
Are you crazy?
Feedin' a loose pooch?
We'll never get rid of him.
He's a cute character.
Let's take him along.
He's as big as a horse.
Probably eats like a horse.
That runs into a lot of money.
You oughta know.
Come on.
Remember, we're supposed
to be Sperry and McGurk.
Tough, huh?
Very tough.
Scat, sad sack.
Go on, scat.
Beat it before he
throws a saddle on you.
There they are!
How tough could
these guys have been?
Okay, everybody, go ahead
and enjoy yourselves.
We ain't in
a killin' mood tonight.
Just
a woundin' mood.
Let's get some action here.
We're springin' tonight.
Champagne
for the crowd.
That's enough.
We're the crowd.
At this point the plot is
much more interesting from
your point of view than mine.
This is the life,
Pappy.
This is awful.
What's the matter?
I ain't got
room for her.
I wish I had another leg.
What happens when Sal shows up?
She'll have to sign
an application blank.
We may get to her later.
##
# Mary Smith had
a college education #
# SallyJones had
a scientific streak #
# Susie Brown used to lecture
on ancient architecture #
#Josie Green spoke
Latin and Greek #
#Just forgotten girls
with forgotten brains #
#While history explains #
#When Madame Pompadour
was on a ballroom floor #
# Said all the gentlemen
obviously #
#The Madame
has the cutest #
# Personality #
#And think of all the books
about DuBarry's looks #
#What was it made her
the toast of Paris #
# She had a well-developed
personality #
#And what did Romeo
see in Juliet #
# Or Pierrot in Pierette #
# OrJupiter in Juno #
#You know #
#And when Salome danced and
had the boys entranced #
# No doubt it must have
been easy to see #
#That she knew
how to use her #
# Personality #
# So don't you say I'm smart
and have the kindest heart #
# Or what a wonderful
sister I'd be #
#Just tell me
how you like my #
# Personality #
##
# Personality ##
Well, duty calls.
I'll see you later.
What do you mean?
You saw her makin' with those eyes,
givin' me that come hither.
Givin' you that
come hither?
Yes.
Where
you goin'?
Thither.
You're not ''nither.'' She was
giving me the same business.
This gal's been around.
Takes a lad like me to handle her.
Like you?
Experience is
the best teacher.
The best teacher?
And I'm a PhD.
That's Pinheaded Dope.
Einstein--
Here comes the waiter
with the check.
Which one of you
two fellas is Sperry?
Experience is the
best teacher, huh?
Don't wait up for me.
I may have to stay after school.
That poor little lamb.
All right, girls,
everybody back!
Work fast. As soon as we
get the map, Ace is headin'
for his place up at Dawson.
You sure they're the right men?
They don't look like killers.
We're going to
a lot of trouble on this.
Don't make it tougher.
I appreciate--
You wanna get your mine,
don't you? Leave it to Ace.
He told you
to get that map.
He ain't particular
how you get it.
Come in.
Well, here I am.
Start burning the incense.
Come in.
Well,
here we are.
Yes,
here we are.
Well?
Well?
Care to shoot
a game of pool?
I'm glad I waited, Sperry.
Everything they said
about you is true.
I can only love a killer
and you've got ''killer''
written all over you.
Those shifty eyes,
that weak chin--
Camouflage.
How many men have
you killed this week?
Just 40 or 50. I've been
in a pretty good mood.
Let's not talk shop.
It seems to me
we've met somewhere before.
I don't think so.
Perhaps
in your dreams.
You wouldn't be seen
in those kind of places.
Some women can love
any type of man, but not me.
I've got to have a beast.
Is a wolf
considered a beast?
My, what
a fiery nature.
Let's throw
another log on it.
As far as I'm concerned,
this picture's over right now.
Oh, Sperry!
Never leave me,
Sal, you'll suffer.
Not for anything
in the world.
Not even if they
offered me... a gold mine.
Gold mine?
Money doesn't matter to me.
I don't care how poor you are.
You mean that,
don't you?
You've got nothing
to worry about.
Shh!
I'm loaded.
Loaded?
Gold mine
with nuggets.
Sperry,
don't be facetious.
Keep politics out of this.
I have the biggest
gold mine in Alaska.
It's ours...
yours and mine.
What about your partner?
Porky?
Just a stooge.
Once we get that map off
of him, we're rollin'.
He's got the map?
Don't worry. I'll get
it when he's asleep.
Where does he keep it?
Sorry, we don't tell anyone,
we're no fools.
Not even me?
Not even you.
I hope it's in a safe place.
Who'd ever think of
looking in his hat?
We're not amateurs,
you know.
I can see that.
It's getting late,
you'd better run along.
What's the rush?
I've got another
show to do.
But I just
got here.
I said, later.
Midnight,
my apartment?
Supper?
I'm not hungry.
I'll go work up
an appetite.
Come in.
You can take the lantern
out of the window, Sal gal.
The mighty McGurk is home.
Sit down.
Make yourself cozy.
I don't mind
if I do.
Well, this is
more like it.
Seems like they sent you
the wrong boy.
I asked
for McGurk.
You must've
spelled it with a ''J''.
I knew you'd come to
your senses sooner or later.
They all do.
It's not hard
to understand.
Where're
you goin'?
Cigarette.
You've got one.
I have,
haven't I?
I guess I'm a little mixed up.
See what you do to me?
You can't help yourself, babe.
You just joined the club.
Must have quite
a membership.
Coast to coast.
We can always squeeze
in a new member.
You're quite a panic with
the ladies, aren't you?
I'm murder when
I make my move.
Tell me,
how do
you do it?
It's the usual routine;
flowers, Sunday dinner
at home with the folks,
a ride in the park,
sing a little song and uh--
Sing a little song.
The song does it?
It sort of limbers
them up a little.
That song may be
just what we need here.
Baby, you and me
don't need no scales.
Come on.
You're not
going anywhere.
There's the piano.
Let's hear you practice
what you preach.
##
#Welcome
to my dream #
#And how are you #
#Will you
be here long #
# Or just
passin' through #
# Brush off
that stardust #
#Where have
you been #
#Don't tell me
your rainbow #
#Was late gettin' in #
#Welcome to my dream #
# It now seems real #
# You're what
it needed #
# To make it ideal #
# So glad you got here #
# I hope you can stay #
# But welcome
to my dream #
#Anyway ##
What's the matter, gal?
Want another chorus?
Later.
Later?
Midnight,
my apartment?
What for?
I'm here now.
A cozy little supper?
I'm not ''hongry.''
I'll go work up
an appetite.
Hope just said
that line, didn't he?
Why should he get
all the laughs?
Here it is.
Nice work, Miss Van Hoyden.
You know what to do.
Keep 'em here in town.
Give me 48 hours. I'll stake out
the claim and bring papers.
I don't know how
to thank you.
Forget it. We're only
too happy to take care of you.
You be careful. You've got
a couple of bad boys there.
I'll handle Mr. Sperry
and Mr. McGurk.
All right,
mush!
So you finally got
yourself a date?
You said it.
You pick up
a lonely walrus?
You know I don't cut
into your territory.
You know that school of
experience? I enrolled.
Tonight I take my
first exam... in cooking.
Never pass. I have
a date with teacher.
That's fine. I like--
What do you mean?
Midnight, supper,
her apartment.
I shall be there.
Doing what, waiting on tables?
That supper's for Chester.
Listen, fatter-than-me,
you're over-matching yourself.
She made the date with me.
Why would she make a date with
two guys at the same time?
Why not?
How about that? This youth
says you made a date with him.
Yes, I did.
You're darn right.
You invited me.
You sellin' tickets?
I like both of you so much,
and Sperry and McGurk always
work together as a team.
Not on everything, we don't.
Let's go downstairs
and talk this over.
Who was it that said,
''Two's company, three's a crowd?
Wasn't he silly?
Yes.
Yes.
I see no reason why
a girl can't have a
good time with two fellas.
As long as one's
her grandfather.
You don't
look that old.
So long, Sal.
Nice knowin' you.
Where you going?
North to cool off.
Don't you have
to have a map?
I got my half.
I got my half.
Half?
I'll see you
when we get back.
Sled's outside.
Let's get our coats and blow.
Where are they?
21 8.
What a blizzard!
We should've put on
some warm clothes.
Hope there's no
bear hunters around.
Mine's still alive.
Where do you step
on the starter?
No starter?
Must be last
year's model.
It's a dog sled!
We'll pull
it ourselves.
Not me!
In a blizzard?
Are you mad?
We're not dogs, you know.
I've got to get a sled.
No dogs till tomorrow.
Will you have any by daybreak?
I've got to get away.
Here we are,
off on another road!
And what a road!
Case those trees,
that snow, that scenery!
And get a load
of that bread and butter.
Bread and butter?
That's a mountain.!
May be a mountain to you,
but it's bread and butter to me.
Well, keep it shady.
I'm in a hurry.
Think you can
handle it?
Handle it!
I was raised up here. Mush!
# I don't care
where I'm going #
#Just as long
as I'm with you #
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
I saw ''Let's Face It.''
And I saw ''Dixie'' too.
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
#This country's
full of wolves #
# But you should make
'em laughingstocks #
#The girls are fond
of blubber #
#And the igloos
have no locks #
#You'll wow the lady Eskimos
They don't wear bobby socks #
#You're so faithful
and so fair #
Hit me with
your biscuit hook.
Coming with some hot skin!
#You've got that something
in your voice so right
for selling cheese #
# Put it there, pal
put it there #
I think your jokes
are great.
Do you?
It's just folks
are hard to please.
Yeah.
Your hand, sir.
Put that back
in the bowl.
#Your face could make
a fortune just your nose
should make a lot #
# I like the way
you wear #
#Those gaudy-colored
shirts you've got #
#The only time a rainbow
ever covered up a pot #
#We make
a perfect pair #
# Put it there #
My colleague.
My cohort.
My crony
my friend.
Companions.
Chums to the end.
Confederates.
Like meat
and potatoes.
Or salt and tomatoes.
# Boy what a blend #
# Don't put it in the paper
Don't put it on the air #
# Don't put it on the shelf
put it there #
Look who's here!
Santa Claus!
Say, there must be
a department store around here.
Well, well!
Chester and Duke.
Whoa!
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Got your Christmas
presents right here.
On your way, Fatso.
Think we're gonna fall
for that kid stuff?
You mean you don't believe
in Santa Claus?
What do you think we are?
Children? Infants?
Babies?
Very well.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'll just give 'em
to somebody else.
You'll be sorry!
Half a map! I let
two-bit hoodlums cross me up.
I didn't give 'em
much credit.
Maybe our nightingale
is holding out.
That's all she got.
I'll get
the other half--
No, you don't!
I'm not going to tangle
with the Mounties.
Van Hoyden
got half the map.
Let her get the other.
Suppose I go help
her out?
Yeah! I like that.
I don't!
I'm running this show.
You'll both go.
We'll give Kate a chance.
If that doesn't work,
then you take over.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Let's go down
and get them.
You know what Ace said.
We try Kate's way first.
McKenzie's cabin's there.
You understand?
Give me till
tomorrow morning.
We'll be waiting here.
And I was gonna
open a Turkish bath!
You had to feed
that monster!
And you had
to bring me to Alaska!
You should
quit grousin'!
You shoulda worn
ear muffs.
What for?
My ears fell off an hour ago.
We find that mine,
you'll be a rich man.
My hands are frozen, my feet,
everything's frozen!
You'll be sittin'
on top of the world!
Everything's frozen!
My nose is like
an icicle!
Icicle?
That's a glacier!
Hey, look!
A pedestrian!
Huh!
It's a dame!
A dame?
You kidding?
What would a dame
be doing up here?
It could be Sonja Henie.
Lemme see her.
Nothing doing. I found her.
Find one for yourself!
Say,
she ain't bad.
Is she alive?
Don't make no difference.
She's still mine.
Ha-ha,
she's alive!
Pick her up.
She's frozen.
I'd hate to be around
when she thaws out.
Goldilocks, let's get
out of this frappe.
Let me help.
Okay, but
don't enjoy it.
No fuel shortage
for us.
I got my
little stove.
Look who's here.
What are you
doing here?
We had a little date,
remember?
Nobody stands up
Skagway Sal.
You've got me wrong.
Who'd want to?
I've got my little stove now.
Ahh, cabin...
over there.
Get her to
the cabin fast.
Buster, put your stove on
the sled and we'll run along.
What are you gonna do?
We'd better start...
warming things up.
That's how it stands.
Either we get that map
off Sperry...
or those butchers'll
be down in the morning.
That's liable
to be a bit messy.
Murder?
I believe that's
the word for it.
Woop! Woop!
Ha-ha-ha!
This is jolly,jolly.
Snug-warm cabins,
congenial companions.
Yes, sir! Doing
grand, grand, grand.
I'd consider Sal showing up
quite a coincidence...
if I didn't know how
crazy she was about me.
Can't keep her eyes off me.
How come she's always
looking at me?
She wants to see what
a bargain she's getting.
I didn't notice her getting
the welcome mat out for you.
I'm already in the kitchen
with my shoes off.
Ooo, ooo!
Yes, sir, this is great.
I think
my worm has B.O.
It couldn't be you.
We'll get another.
I will admit there's something
phony about that dame.
She just don't seem
to belong here in Alaska.
Are you kidding?
That shows how much
you know about women.
Could you see that girl
anywhere but Alaska?
Nah, I guess not.
See what I mean?
You don't know any more
about women than you do
about fishing!
No?
You see what the
score is, don't you?
Duke, 1 3. Chester, 0.
You're skunked, ol' boy.
You're using loaded bait.
When it comes to fishing,
you can't tell how good a guy is...
until you know
what he's fishing for.
Hi, boys.
Here's my filet.
Warm it, honey,
right here.
McGurk, I'd like to be
alone with Sperry.
Run over to Peoria and get me
a ham sandwich and check with
me in about three years.
We may need you
as a bridesmaid.
Wait.
Number 1 4
just checked in.
Well, if you're a good boy,
I'll save you a few heads.
Pick one out
for yourself.
That guy burns me up,
him and his 1 4 fish.
You'd think there
was no romance left.
Think all a fella had to do
was catch one crummy fish!
Let's go for a walk
in the woods.
Just a minute.
I got more nibbles
than I can handle.
Hey, bud,
where's your partner?
He just stepped into--
huh?
Just tell him
15 was here.
Come on!
Okay.
Come on!
Come on, folks.
Quit following us, will ya?
It's funny, us going
for each other this way.
I guess
it just had to be.
We couldn't help it.
We were thrown together
by fate.
You weren't thrown together.
That took planning.
Oh, what a project!
Let's sit down.
The minute I heard you sing,
it hit me in the old ticker.
It was going... pitter-patter.
Then... patter-pitter!
How's it going now?
I can't tell
pitter from patter.
#You wouldn't dare
be too bold #
#Would you #
#And think that my hand
was to hold #
#Would you #
#And you
wouldn't play #
# On my sympathy #
#Then take advantage
of me #
#Would you #
#You shouldn't be
quite so near #
# Should you #
# Or whisper those words
in my ear #
# Should you #
#You can't get romantic #
#That you know
takes two #
# But darling #
# If I would #
#Would you ##
Ha-ha!
Hot snow.
Don't get anxious.
Didn't anyone ever
tell you there'd be
moments like this?
My school teacher...
just before we were expelled.
Sperry, how long
must we wait?
Huh?
McGurk's map. Suppose
he runs off with it?
I've got the other half!
I hope it's
in a safe place.
Don't worry.
We're not amateurs.
Where's the map?
There's only one map
I want to talk about.
Yours...
that skin, those lips.
Where is it?
Those eyes, they're beautiful--
and they match!
Are you going
to tell me?
Let's get back
to pitter-patter.
Come on!
Dinner's ready.
Who can eat?
Dinner.
Whoa!
Look at those tracks.
We must be on the
right trail. Come on!
I never thought a woman'd
get me to washing dishes,
drying 'em and liking it.
But I'm washing 'em
and I'm drying 'em...
and I'm liking it!
We'll need some water
for tomorrow's coffee.
Do you mind?
I might as well
get used to it.
I think I'll get
a little fresh air.
Why'd you get rid
of Chowderhead?
The map. He wants
to steal your half
and run away with me.
Who are you kidding?
What map?
He told you where
I had it, huh?
Fine pal.
That's friendship for you.
A man has to sink low when
he'll sell out his best friend.
You wouldn't say where
his map is, would you?
You're darn right I wouldn't.
It can stay in his
undershirt until it rots!
It shouldn't take long either.
I trusted him.
When do we leave?
Huh?
Can we get
it tonight?
You've been blowing hot and cold
all through this deal.
How come all of a sudden
I'm your boy?
I'm particular...
what type man I share
a gold mine with.
That the type?
It'll do.
Just some of
my lighter stuff.
Promise me something.
Go back to Frisco and
give yourself up.
What?
We'll fight together.
Maybe they won't hang you.
I got a little T.L. for you.
I'm not McGurk.
It was all an act.
We found the map on the boat.
My name's DukeJohnson.
I knew I couldn't
love a murderer.
That Sperry,
he's the killer.
Oh, a
despicable character!
Those weak eyes,
that shifty chin.
Of course.
Definite criminal type.
We'll take care
of him and his map.
It isn't his map,
it's mine.
It was my father's.
Now it's yours and mine.
The mine, understand?
I think the trip was
a little too much for you.
I'll get the map tomorrow.
There's no time.
They'll kill you.
Larson and those butchers
are up in the hills.
Get some shut-eye.
It'll fix you up.
I think this gal is cracking up.
put her to bed to get rest.
I'll go case
the killer.
But, Duke!
Hey, what's going on?
He's not McGurk and I'm
not going through with it.
I'm in love with him.
You fool! Those thugs
are in the hills.
If you love him, you've
got to go through with it.
He's not McGurk.
They can't kill him.
The only way you can save
him is to get to Ace Larson.
You'll never get out
of here without that map.
Well?
What do you say?
We'll get it tonight
when they're asleep.
#Welcome to my dream #
#And how are you #
#Will you be here long #
# Or just passing through #
# Brush off that stardust #
#Where have you been #
# Don't tell me
your rainbow #
#Was late gettin' in #
#Welcome to my dream #
# It now seems real #
#You're what it needed #
#To make it ideal #
Did you lose something?
Is that you, honey?
Don't say a word.
I'll do the talking.
You're puffing.
You didn't have to run here.
Things are gonna be different
after we're married.
I'm gonna do
big things for you.
I'm gonna buy you real furs.
You won't have to wear this
cheap imitation.
I'm gonna buy you a home.
No more sleeping on cold floors.
- Gesundheit, dear.
And the jewels I'm gonna buy!
Emerald bracelets down to there.
And diamond rings
for your fingers too.
They'll go so well with
those long nails of yours.
Honey, you've been
working too hard!
- Sperry, are you awake?
- Of course, I'm awake.
- Who's that with you?
- Who do you think? It's you.
Grr.
It's... a bear.
Keep calm,
just keep calm.
Help!
Who's your girlfriend,
Junior?
It's a bear.
Do something!
Who do you think I am,
Daniel Boone?
Looks like we've got
another mouth to feed.
Looks like I'm on the menu.
Get my arm
out of here.
She likes
affection maybe.
Keep it up or
we'll both be bear bait.
We'll be so happy together.
I can see us romping
around Yellowstone Park.
- We'll live with your folks.
- Grrr!
All right,
with my folks!
We'll raise a family,
a boy for you, a bear for me.
Help!
We're cooked.
Here's the house detective.
A fine thing!
A fish they let talk.
Me... they won't give
one stinking line!
Whoa! Whoa!
I hope
he'll understand.
Quit worrying.
Come on, Lebec.
Let's go.
Mush!
Come on! Cut it out.
Fix our breakfast, Dollface.
We'll see you later.
Ahh.
Come on, girls.
Hi, fellas.
Where's that map?
The map?
Oh-- Oh, the map!
Yeah, the map.
Don't worry.
We got it.
Yeah, we got it.
It's in his cap
and in my--
Let me see that cap.!
Okay, this is it.
Wait. We'll get
the map for you.
Sure.
Where is it?
Well, it's in--
It's in the
bear's mouth.
Get it
and be quick.
Smart guys, us.
We're a couple of pigeons.
A dame hits us twice
with those big moose eyes...
and we start
giving away gold mines.
If we get that map back,
I'm brushing dames off forever.
They're poison.
They run their fingers
through your hair, then
throw you in the gutter.
You know
what's worse?
What?
I love it.
Next time,
we shoot first.
And ask questions afterwards.
Those guys are green.
They won't get far.
They took our dogs!
Those ain't the only dogs
in Alaska!
We'll find some.
A couple of
prospectors.
Yeah.
Reach!
Mush!
They got a good start.
We'll catch 'em.
Did you ever think
of those dog teams?
The lead dog is the only dog
that gets a change of scenery.
Care for
another pillow?
No, I'm fairly
comfortable.
Yes.
Mind the bumps
like a good fella, eh?
Whoa!
There they are.
Who's that?
Moose hunting.
Mush, mush!
Mush. I'm dying
and you want to eat.
Go ahead.
Come on, boy!
Boy! Why didn't
I think of this before?
Exciting, isn't it?
If Hope and Crosby are caught,
they'll be killed.
They won't be able to tell
any more of those jokes.
Come on,
mush, mush!
Whoa! What is this?
Alcatraz?
Let's hit
for the rocks.
It's our
only chance.
Hey, they'll find us.
It's either us
or them.
My money's on them.
I'll take this rope.
We may need it.
Nice place to throw
the Grand Canyon.
All this ice
and no ginger ale.
Stay up.
You'll get a draw.
You all right?
We gotta get out somewhere,
either up or down.
It ain't down.
Let's go down the middle.
Okay.
Oh-oh, dead end.
A one-way mountain.
What'll we do now?
We'll use the rope.
There must be some
reason for it.
It might catch on a tree, huh?
They gotta be here
somewhere.
Here goes.
One in a million.
Throw a nail up too.
Oh, hey!
Help!
We made it!
Made it?
Boy, one in a million.
One in a million!
It's solid, let's go.
Woop!
Hold on!
Oh, boy.
Say, you got
a match?
Yeah. Ohhh!
What's the matter?
You crazy?
Match. Rub your head
against the rocks.
All out.
Top floor.
Going down.
I'm slipping.
Untie your boot.
You touch that boot and
I'll cut your hand off!
Boy, that'll hold 'em.
We could've been killed!
Hey, am I dead?
I can't tell.
You always look that way.
Come on!
Shh!
Shh.
Shh!
Shh! One little sound
starts a whole avalanche.
I should have
worn my derby.
You want them to hear us?
Hiccup the other way.
That's the only way
I know how.
Suppress it somehow.
Frighten me.
I can't.
I haven't got a mirror.
Sing something.
Huh?
It's cracking up.
One little sound
starts an avalanche.
Don't worry.
I'm okay now.
Concentrate. Count to 20.
I can't. I've
got my mittens on.
Count!
Five, ten, fifteen--
What now?
I think one more
will do it.
Let's see you come up
with something now.
Ready, aim, fire.
I can't.
I'm out of gas.
Think of something, somebody.
W.C. Fields.
Who?
Now for Dawson City
and those dames!
Dames! We'll be lucky
if we get to Dawson City.
Just a minute.
I'm the navigator.
What? Again?
They're not Sperry and McGurk.
It's all a mistake.
Mistakes happen,
but that can be remedied.
I'll send a couple boys
back to the cabin...
and they can explain things
to Sperry and McGurk.
They're not Sperry
and McGurk!
Well, whoever they are.
You wait here.
I don't want
any slipup.
How do we spot 'em?
Wherever they go,
they travel with
a big shaggy dog.
Drink up.
Keep your eyes open.
They may be on
their way here now.
Mush, mush!
Whoa, you dogs.
Okay, gas up, kids.
Very tiring trip.
I should've had you at
the other end of the sled.
Come on, Curly.
Where you going
with that fleabag?
We got trouble enough.
Stake her out there.
Don't want her?
Put her over here.
Wait for us, Fuzz.
If you see anything in slacks,
bark twice and I'll join you.
Don't forget,
be fair.
We act tough.
Mosey over to the bar
and ask a few questions.
Why, ''shore.''
Couple of strangers
in town.
Hello, boys.
You new in town?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Join me
in a drink?
Don't mind
if we do.
What'll you have?
Oh, a couple fingers
of rotgut.
What's yours?
I'll take a lemonade...
in a dirty glass!
What's all
the celebration?
A posse. There's going
to be a little hanging.
Little hanging, huh?
Well, what do you know.
Hanging, huh?
Well, that's
''noose'' to me.
That's noose--
I made a joke.
We're killing 'em here.
Or vice versa.
Hangin', huh?
Sounds gay.
Sure does.
Happy hunting, partner.
Who are you stringing up?
Couple of fellas who call
themselves Sperry and McGurk.
You don't happen
to know them, do you?
I know Sperry when I see McGurk.
I mean, I know McGurk when--
Never heard of'em.
Join us?
We'd love to,
but it's getting late.
Got a little ironing to do.
Hey, you!
It's going to be
a lovely hanging, boys.
I have an idea
you ought to be there.
Look, stranger, how you
gonna hang these fellows?
You don't know 'em.
How 'bout that?
We'll know 'em
when we see 'em.
They always travel
with a big shaggy dog.
Well, I--
I-yi-yi-yi.
I-yi-yi-yi.
A big shaggy dog,
huh?
Yeah!
The minute we see that dog,
we're gonna string them up.
The minute
you see the dog--
Gonna string them up, eh?
Sounds like a cinch.
All you gotta do
is find a big shaggy dog.
Alaska's full of them
big shaggy fellas.
A dime a dozen around here.
All you have to do...
is find a big
shaggy dog?
What's the
matter with him?
His foot's gone to sleep.
Stomp on it a bit.
- Woof!
- Woof!
Woof!
Woof!
He thinks he's a dog.
His mother was frightened
by a Pekingese.
Woof.
Woof, woof.
That's all right, Rover.
Gimme your paw, Rover.
Gimme your paw.
That's a good dog.
Okay,
I'm over it.
You don't think
you're a dog?
I'm not a dog.
You feel all right?
Feel how cold
my nose is.
Oh, what a hot horn!
This is a sick dog, sick boy.
He doesn't look sick.
Let me hear that bark.
- Woof!
- Woof!
Quite a big echo.
Come on, Fido.
Woof, woof!
Oh, he's gone again.
He's gone.
Downhill... the
whole place slants.
Whoa, boy.
Woof!
Woof!
Woof!
A little congested.
We'll use
the family entrance.
Woof, woof, woof!
It's been fun!
Let's get 'em!
Come on, boys!
Hey! Sal.
Why...
the little crook.
That's the story, Mr. Lebec.
Kate can tell you.
The only reason I went through
with it was to save their lives.
I'm in love
with one of them.
I'd die before I'd let
anything happen to him.
Very noble of you.
Imagine a girl
loving a guy that much.
Yeah.
I'm not worth it.
I'm a regular
Casablanca.
Casanova!
When did they
change that?
Mr. Larson will understand.
They're here!
Put the map in the safe.
What about her?
Tie her up. I'll
take care of her later.
Why the dirty--
I told you they wouldn't
let you say that.
We gotta save her!
We'll get that map first.
It's hers!
Suppose they
knock her off?
They'll be
looking for us.
We'll get the map and the girl.
What a parley!
Now you're talking.
Come on, push, push!
Hey, get out.
Go chase a tree.
Get rid of him.
Throw something.
A stick or something.
Get me some brandy.
A stick, yeah.
Sic! Go!
That way.
What do you hear?
Shh!
Who taught you
that racket?
My old man.
Oh, following in your
father's fingerprints, huh?
He was great.
Need a little light.
I'll light
the lantern.
No, you crazy?
They'll see us.
There's a box
of candles.
It's a funny-looking candle.
Why has it got
such a big wick?
The nights up here
are six months long.
Oh.
And me with insomnia.
There's something wrong
with this thing.
Blow on it a little.
Bring it down here.
Let me see.
Duke, I'm kinda glad
you talked me into this deal.
You said it was Utopia
and you were right.
It's been a lot of work
and I've beefed a lot
but I'll never blow up again.
Come to Papa.
There you are, you
pleasant little parchment.
That's great!
It's only sensational.
Sensational?
It's dynamite!
It's dynamite!
Take it, it's dynamite.
Dynamite?
Well, finders keepers!
I couldn't stand the noise.
Wait for me.
Throw it out the window.
Out the window!
Back away.
Don't crowd, you dog.
Take five.
You had to bring that dog!
This is no time to go
shooting off your mouth.
He's going to do it for us.
Oh, what a fur coat
he's going to make.
Locked?
Let's spread out
before the joint does.
They must be here.
Get out and find them.
Maybe we could sneak through.
That's a slaughter house.
You wanna hang upside down?
What size hook
do you want?
Look.!
Dynamite, see?
The real thing, see?
I'll give you three to get
out of here. One, two--
Nice going. Douse it!
Put it out!
Ooo, got a hot knuckle.
Attaboy.
Thought they could
scare me, huh?
You got plenty of heart.
It's just close in here.
What round was it?
Let's find Sal
and get out.
In here.!
Right rudder.
Don't worry, baby.
We're here now.
We showed 'em!
We're not amateurs.
No, sir!
Get you outta here
in no time.
We'll get you outta here.
Don't worry.
I smell
something burning.
The dynamite!
Put that out!
Ooo! It's me!
Here!
Come on.
It's dynamite going off
in there!
Where's that map?
Okay, you win.
Start talking!
It's in there in the desk.
Third drawer from the right.
Want us to get it?
No more of
your tricks.
This time, we'll
get it ourselves!
We'll hear from them later.
They'll be men about town.
Let's go.
Well, that's it.
The map, the mine,
the three million dollars.
Not quite.
Mush!
Come on!
Look!
No hands!
Watch out, no teeth.
Please...
my sponsor.
This way, come on!
Wait. That's north.
There isn't any north.
I suppose it went
south for the winter!
You're near
the North Pole.
What about it?
There's no north,
south, east or west.
You're crazy!
East is east and west is west
and never the twain shall meet.
There's no direction
at the North Pole.
An eight-year-old knows that.
Next time come here
with an eight-year-old child.
You'll do!
- Are you getting shorter?
- Me? How 'bout you?
Oh, I thought it was
getting drafty.
Aaah!
Look out.!
They're coming behind you.
Come on,jump.!
I can't make it.
Here's the map.
I'll hold 'em off
as long as I can.
Take care of Sal.
She's yours now.
So long, Sal.
So long, Duke.
Boy, what a pal.
Anything I can do for you?
Any last requests?
Look up my mother.
- Anything else?
- Uh, give her my watch.
Anything else?
Tell her to
give you a hot foot.
What happened, Duke?
How did you get away?
Simple enough.
There were only 1 5 of them.
I picked them up one by one,
knocked 'em out and
tossed 'em in the chasm.
Naturally.
Sal, how
have you been?
How's he been
treating you?
No complaints, Duke.
Chester has been a devoted
husband and a fine father.
Father?
You have children?
One, a boy.
Would you like to see him?
Junior?
Did you call me, Mom?
We adopted him.
SubRip:diamarg