Road to Zanzibar (1941) Movie Script

Are you wearing old dreams
Breaking out at the seams
They should be new
And have I got the bargain
You lucky people you
Here's a hollyhock scent
that makes a lady or gent
Feel well-to-do
And the price
fits your pocket
You lucky people you
Now here's
a green velvet landscape
And to prove
I'm no rogue
I'll add
a smart-looking rainbow
Something that's
always in vogue
I've a wonderful buy
In a wraparound sky
of moonlight blue
And it's yours
for a love song
You lucky people you
That's for nothing, folks,
and probably worth it too.
But inside is the big show.
If you're in the market
for a thrill...
and if you wish to witness
the most hair-raising,
bloodcurdling spectacle...
ever presented on
the continent of Africa,
don't fail to see
Fearless Frazier.
Fearless Frazier,
the living bullet!
Hurry, hurry.
Come over, come over.
Think of it, folks.
This human torch,
this indomitable character,
soaked in kerosene and...
shot through a flaming hoop of
fire far into the ocean. Chuck!
What's the matter? It's
Fearless. He fainted again.
Give him the smelling salts.
As I was saying...
this character,
this man with nerves of steel,
is shot through
a flaming hoop of fire.
Come on, Fearless.
Come on, boy.
Come on, Fearless.
There you are.
You're gonna be
all right.
Oh, swell.
Why do I do this?
Why do I do it?
You oughta see the mob outside.
You're gonna clear 100 bucks.
That's why I do it.
Hey. Where were
you last night?
I left you a note. Yeah,
out with your grandmother.
Mm-hmm. Your grandmother crawled
into bed with me at 4:00...
and had lip rouge
all over his face.
Right this way, folks.
Step lively now.
There he is,
the mighty Fearless Frazier.
Douse your cigarettes. Fearless
is covered with kerosene...
from the tip ofhis head
to his 12 double A's.
And when he hits
the fiery hoop in midair,
he will burst into flame
before your very eyes.
Come back next week. My partner's working
on an idea to make me explode in midair.
That's not a bad
idea at all, Fearless.
I had to open my big mouth.
Are you ready, Fearless?
I don't mind being drafted,
but not as ammunition.
We have to be careful
how we aim this instrument.
Last week we were two feet off
and we sunk the S.S. Idaho.
We went right through "Ida" and
there wasn't much left of"ho. "
Folks, one mighty charge
from this little derringer...
and Fearless Frazier
will fly so far and so fast...
that his head will arrive by
streamliner and his feet on a local.
If it's all the same to you,
I'd like a photo finish.
All right, folks,
Fearless Frazier flies again.
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it!
Ready, little lady.
Roll the drums, please.
All right, folks.
Everybody watching?
The living bullet is on his way.
Here we go!
That concludes the first
part of our performance.
Now we all repair
to the riverbank...
where we hope to find the mighty
Fearless unscathed and unharmed.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Ah, there's
my little man.
Won't you come in? I
don't want to crowd you.
Everything all right? We have to
have more room when the baby comes.
Don't pull that lever so
fast. What's the matter?
You're gonna open the trap door
and the dummy will come out.
Nobody will know the
difference. Come on, here we go.
Wait for my legs.
Here we go.
All right.
We got it.
Hey, you all right?
I feel fine.
I feel fine.
You all right? You got
a pint of blood with ya?
I don't know how you
"Svengalied" me into this.
It took my mother three years
to get me to eat spinach.
Three minutes of talk from you and I'm
getting fan mail from casket companies.
Here's some
fan mail for you.
Do you know that 94 of those federal
diplomas clinked into our till?
There's some music for
you. Oh, sing out loud.
Just 94. What is the total?
I'll get into the department.
We have plenty of happy cabbage. How much?
Look at that.
5,200 skins.
Those ever-loving
Morgenthau mashnotes.
Beginning to add up, isn't it?
We'll have enough to pay the tax.
Stick with me and if you live,
we're gonna do all right.
Well, we can't miss...
Hey, where you going?
Just going.
I know you're going,
but with who?
With "whom. " That's proper.
Don't give me that stuff.
I want to know with who. With grandmother.
She told me to give you
the brush.
Come here.
There's a fire!
Somebody must've dropped
a cigarette.
Let's get out of here.
Yes, indeed. We gotta go.
Beat it! They're after ya!
Who's after what for which?
Our dummy went through the big top and
the carnival's on fire. Ohhh! Let's go.
Our week
was up anyway.
Don't come this way. They're
after you. Go the other way.
What is this? A bus station?
Wait! Bring the cannon!
I'll get the cannon!
Get the cann...
We take this light bulb, courtesy
of the Nairobi electrical outlet.
And we place it in
the mouth of the subject.
Engineers have agreed that 500
volts is fatal to a human being,
but Fearless is going
to take 1,000 volts.
Are you ready?
Here we go.
All right, folks.
Hurry! Come over!
See Fearless Frazier, the human
bat with only man-made wings.
Give 'em a flutter. His fierce
character will climb 100 feet.
Like a swallow from Capistrano,
he will soar to earth...
in a perfect
three-point landing.
All right, men,
bring it around here.
Right down here now.
Easy. Woop.
Wait a minute.
Just sit it in there.
Careful, now, woop.
Careful, now.
Woop, look out, men.
You all right?
Get that bench in the corner
and put it on the bench.
Get this one up here.
There we go.
Woop. Look out. Christmas cards?
Set it right there.
Here you are.
Hey, where you been? I've been shopping.
I know, but where?
Wait'll you see what I got.
There's a million bucks inside,
a million bucks!
How long can you
hold your breath?
I don't know. I never tried. Well, try it.
Try it.!
How long did I go?
Get that outta here!
It's an octopus!
That's what she is.
The greatest idea I ever had.
Get this for a setup.
We'll build the tank bigger.
We'll dress you up like a pearl
diver... little sarong or something.
Then you wrestle with him like
you did with Bonzo the bear.
Remember how we cleaned up?
It'll be terrific.
Fearless Frazier wrestles
with the terror of the deep.
No, sir. Wait, I mean
when you're feeling better.
That thing's got eight arms.
I only got one-and-a-half.
What's the matter with
that? I don't like the odds.
We'll snip
a couple off of him.
Wrestle an octopus? Me? Yeah.
Those things are murderous.
That ain't spaghetti he's waving.
Besides, they're poison.
They spit ink.
You can wrestle and write
home at the same time.
I've had enough.
I can't do it.
Junior, never say "can't. "
You can do anything
you think you can do.
You told me I could fly
and look, a broken wing.
You tried to land downwind.
You can't do that.
Why don't you slip in some night
and just put a shotgun to my head?
Boy, you're slipping.
You're really slipping.
I'm trying to make a big fellow outta
you. They'll write books about you.
I know three words that won't
be in them: "ripe old age. "
It's a cinch. We'll train him. Train him?
I'd look fine swimming with a chair
and a whip. You can't train an octopus.
They only know one thing. Grab you
quick and suck the blood out of you.
How would I look
with no blood?
Just the same.
Why not train him to knit? Knit?
He could work on four
sweaters at the same time.
I'm ashamed of you, afraid of
a poor little thing like this.
The man I bought him off of
raised him from a polliwog.
Look, I'll show you
how gentle he is.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Come on here.
Just for that you go back to the
fish store. How do you like that?
Go ahead.
Write a letter.
Now, listen, Fearless, I've
given it a lot of thought.
We get a boa constrictor.
We stun him.
You go in there with a lasso and hogtie
him. I'll tell him when he comes in.
We've been kicking around the world for
five years two jumps ahead of trouble.
I'm homesick! I wanna get back to
Birch Falls and my relief checks.
You'll wind up in Barney Dean's
Beanery blowing up bloodwurst.
If we're gonna go home,
let's go home loaded.
They'll have a band meet us. And
they'll be playing an awful slow tune.
What's this?
Hey, what do you think we are, a couple
of round haircuts? We ordered beer.
Compliments of Mr. Kimble. Who's that?
Mr. Kimble, Kimble Diamond
Mines. That's him in the box.
Good health.
You know the big yacht in
the harbor? That's his.
That's ours?
It's on the cuff.
Pour, brother, pour.
Ha-ha-ha. Charles, must you
send champagne to strangers?
They're not strangers.
They're Americans.
They look like nice fellows.
I bet they'd be fun to know.
Say, you know,
it's not bad stuff.
Piper Heidsieck '28. Yeah,
but pipe her "heidsieck. "
Si vous voulez voir
la ville avec moi
Un taxi nous attendra
Oh, no, now, Junior.
Here, here.
Let's get in the mood. It's
a little rich for your blood.
You might break out in a
rash. That's what I want,
one of the larger rashes
if you don't mind.
Ah-ah-ah. Ahh.
That happy juice.
Daddy, the bubbles make my
nose tickle. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Was that at this table? Go ahead, drink up.
Please, Mr. Inspector,
we do not want the police here.
We are running a first-class
place. Don't be disturbed.
It's a matter south of here.
I'm looking for two Americans.
They burned down a carnival.
In fact, they nearly
burned down the town.
A votre sant, monsieur.
A votre sant? Oui, oui.
Ahh ahh
de avec fromage
All right, that's enough.
Wait. We work here.
I am sorry. My partner,
she and me, we "worka" here.
Your pardon.
He not speak good English.
I only been in this
country short time. Oui.
We are performers in the show.
Artists. Tou jours I'amour.
Will you pardon? We blow. Danke schoen.
We must perform now. Eau de cologne.
Bon voyage. Je t'adore. Je t'adore.
It's them all right. Of course, it is.
Let 'em go.
They can't get out.
Hey, hey, look out.
The house is sold out.
No autographs.
Tough audience.
We gotta get out of here. What
are we gonna do? I don't know.
I got an idea. Mesdames and
messieurs, my partner and I...
Attention, please.
Attention, please.
Attention, ha-ha.
My partner and I will
give our impression...
of two orchestra leaders
meeting on "ze" boulevard.
Two orchestra leaders
meeting on ze boulevard.
How do you do? How are things with you?
Well, Leopoldo,
you know how it is in
the concert business.
People are not going to concerts
like they did in the old days.
But I think
it will pick up.
I got some wonderful horns
with the big fat tone.
They play mellow.
And my violas, Leopoldo.
I tell you every viola
player is an "arteest. "
When I think about violas, I
get so excited I can hardly talk.
And tell me, Leopoldo,
how are things with you?
I have a
pretty good band.
I have the finest aggregation
on the continent.
I tell you I have the greatest
oboe players. And I have cellos...
Did you say cellos?
I said I have cellos.
I pay my "celloists"
much more than you do.
Arturo! I've got
the greatest cellos!
All right, that's it.
What are you
arresting them for?
They burned down a carnival.
I'll pay for the carnival.
My name's Kimble. I don't
care what your name is.
Pretty tasty, aren't they? This is it.
Wonderful guy,
that Kimble.
He got us out of
a ticklish situation.
If it wasn't for him, we'd still
be in the brig. What a tired brig.
Now we can pack and get back
to Birch Falls, huh? No hurry!
Listen, I'll go over
to the hotel and pack.
We'll go to Birch Falls.
But relax a while.
Go get the tickets.
I'll pack.
Let's forget the whole
thing. You know what?
What is it? We ought to catch Johannesburg.
Let's get killed, huh?
Great town, Johannesburg.
Remember how we go down
there? Oh, wonderful.
I've got the greatest idea
I've ever had. I know you have.
We get a lead coffin.
Put you in the coffin.
Seal it up tight and
throw it in the lake.
Seal it with me inside?
Don't want no water in there.
How do I get out? I
haven't worked that out.
If you don't want to go home,
I'll go alone.
How much do I owe?
Four kolaks.
For what? That shredded wheat?
This is not shredded wheat.
It's malo-palo.
Malo-palo? What's that?
Malo-palo is
candied grasshoppers.
Wait. Did I hear right? What
did you say? Grasshoppers.
I'll get the tickets.
I'll hop over to the hotel.
There we are, boys.
Now for a snappy landing.
Keep her Moored here.
I'll be back in 15 minutes.
Hello, Chuck.
Well, Mr. Kimble, hi.
How's me old Chuck?
Very fit, very fit.
I don't think I've ever had
a better time than last night.
We really broke it up,
didn't we?
Stick with us. Compound
fractures, anything for a laugh.
Thank you for getting
us out of the brig.
I'd hate to think of a couple
of cheery blokes like you...
in a dark, damp dungeon.
Not a very happy
forwarding address.
What are you doing now?
I'm going to get tickets.
We're going back to the
States. That spoils everything.
I like you two and
I want to do something for you.
What about coming to my yacht and
having a drink? I want to talk to you...
about something you two
will be interested in. Yeah?
I want to get my tickets.
I'll look after that for you.
There's no place
like home
Well, Fearless,
wait'll you hear what I got.
Outside rooms on "A" deck? No, no.
That costs dough.
You remember Kimble?
Yeah, but let's have the
tickets. I ran into him.
That's the main issue. You're
gonna kiss me when you hear this.
Hear what? I got to thinking we
should be in some legitimate business.
Something sound, conservative.
I was telling Kimble.
He agreed with me and
let us in on a little thing.
Let us in on what?
I guess you'd
call it a diamond mine.
Never mind what you guess
I'd call it. What is it?
A diamond mine.
Keep your head now. Hold onto
yourself. Don't get excited.
What did you say?
We got a diamond mine.
Ha, ha, it's hot for you,
isn't it? No, I'm all right.
Tropical sun.
Take it easy.
The man in the
white coat will be here.
I got the documents,
the map, the rights, the deeds.
They're all signed,
sealed and delivered.
Kimble gave you a diamond
mine? He couldn't give it.
He said that would
involve the corporation.
We had to pay him
a little something.
A little something?
How much?
Well, roughly...
How much? How much?
About five grand.
Five grand?
Half that dough is mine.
It took years.
I killed myself to get it...
four times!
Oh, you're a great
little kidder.
Cheery Chuck.
That's funny.
You had me upset
for a while.
When do we sail? I'm not
kidding. We got us a diamond mine.
Yeah, we got a...
diamond mine! Where is it?
It's one of those things. It hasn't been
worked for centuries. It's kinda lost.
All we gotta do is find it. That's a cinch.
You just whistle.
Put an ad in the paper.
Give me the papers. Hey,
hey, where you going?
I'm gonna get our dough back
and stick Kimble in a thimble!
Wait a minute!
Now, wait! Wait a minute!
I want my money. You're gonna crab the gag.
You oughta see the yacht
this fellow's got.
I could have a yacht, if I
could run into a yokel like you.
Wait, you heard
what the waiter told us.
Everybody knows him.
He's a philanthropist.
I don't care who he votes
for, I want my money.
Here comes the owner of the
hotel. I'll leave it to him.
Mr. Saunders, could we see you? Certainly.
Do you know Mr. Charles Kimble?
Kimble? Of the Kimble Mines?
I should say so.
The family is one
of the richest in Africa.
Even before
they rooked us?
Why don't you trust me?
I know what I'm doing.
Yes, Charles,
charming fellow.
Delightful company.
Loads of fun.
He's a little eccentric,
of course.
But, you know after all... Wait, what
do you mean he's a little eccentric?
He has a certain weakness
for signing papers.
Not that his signature
is any good.
If the family didn't watch,
Charles would sell you anything.
Anything? He'd even sell
one of his diamond mines.
Give me the papers.
Wait, wait!
I'm sorry,
He was such a nice fellow.
There it goes. 5,000 bucks.
Blood money squeezed
out of my arteries.
I met his sister. He showed me
corporation papers and things.
How was I to know he was wacky?
Looked as sane as you... saner.
This is the end
of everything between us.
For years I've been breaking my neck
'cause you asked me, 'cause we were pals.
Now, you toss away
our money.
I've stood for plenty, but now
I'm through. Know what I mean?
Now, look.
Look here, Junior.
We've been through a lot
since we were kids.
We've been through
thick and thin.
I never figured it was
your dough or my dough.
I thought everything
belonged to both of us.
What about that blonde in
Brooklyn? You didn't want a share.
You wanted to be
the whole corporation.
You wound up as
the holding company.
Let's forget about those
things. Let's forget about you?
I'm loaded with your treatment. I'm fed up.
I don't care where you go
or what you do.
Just forget about me, huh?
Get yourself another pigeon.
Hey, Chuck, come here. I
thought you walked out on me.
Don't be silly. I could walk
out on my right arm easier.
Let's see now.
600 bucks for the tickets.
The hotel bill.
Fifty for you.
Fifty for me.
Fifty here. Fifty there. Look,
we've never done nothing crooked.
We agreed. We did have
to go up the sleeve.
But we give the sucker
a fair shake for his sugar.
We never robbed nobody.
We never cut nobody's throat.
Fifty there.
How'd that five get in there?
- Fifty. Fifty.
- Where'd you get that money?
Don't worry.
I got it legitimate.
I was getting a drink in a dive.
There were a couple of fellows.
They were loaded. Naturally,
I struck up a conversation.
What are you getting
at? Wait'll you hear it.
We had a few drinks
and to get down to cases...
I unloaded that phoney
diamond mine on them. You what?
I sold 'em that mine. I got
our dough back, five grand!
- Who's operating now?
- I can't believe it.
It was a case of superior mind
arguing them into it.
That... and the Mickey
I managed to slip them.
Come on. Get your things.
Let's get going.
What's the hurry? Those fellows,
they might be a little mad.
Besides, my rabbit's foot
just crouched.
Let's move on, huh? Oh, no
hurry. We're in good company.
You amaze me. This is a
talent I didn't know you had.
- What kinda fellows were they?
- Well, they were...
That's the kind of fellows.
Here, here.
Leave that stuff...
You are not thinking of
walking out on us, are you?
Oh, no, we were just figuring
on taking a short jaunt.
We might toddle to the country.
We gotta see a sick tiger.
Your sick tiger
has got to wait.
Just a minute, friend.
Who are you?
We have mighty good reasons. You have?
$7,000 worth
of good reasons.
you told me five.
Oh, the other pocket.
There's more?
The interest mounts up fast. I
was gonna surprise you. How nice.
I'm afraid your friend
hasn't told you everything.
He promised to take us
to a lost diamond mine.
What kind of diamonds
are in it?
Lost diamonds.
He tells us he is the only
one who knows where it is.
Oh, yes, I knew that.
He runs over there quite often.
I have a tough time
keeping him away from the joint.
That's fine. Now, there is
only one thing I want to know.
When do we start?
When do we leave,
Uh, well...
It's Tuesday now.
Yeah, all day.
You couldn't come back
about Friday afternoon, late?
One more of your jokes
and Solomon, here,
will tear out your insides...
and the birds will carry
them home to their young.
How do you like that? I
think it's rather good.
It's a nice switch.
This time the bird gets you.
Get your clothes.
You are going with us.
We're going with them.
We're going with them.
We're going with them.
Patty cake, patty cake,
baker's man.
Bake a cake
as fast as you...
- He must have seen the picture.
- Get him.
This must be the nowhere that
everyone is always 500 miles from.
Why did you have to hop us
on a boat going the wrong way?
With those two guys after us, I'd have
hopped on a turtle if it'd been moving.
A couple of more days here
and I'm gonna be punchy.
Don't go wolfing at me.
I didn't get us into this.
Did I sell Lebec
the mine or did you?
You bought it, or I
wouldn't have had it.
If I didn't have it, I
couldn't have sold it. Umm.
And if I didn't sell it, we
wouldn't be here, would we? Uh-uh.
I don't get it.
Hey, hey, up here.
Come up here,
will you, please?
- Both of us?
- Yes, it's a matter of life and death.
Yeah, but for who?
No, for whom.
Please do and hurry.
It's the third door.
Let's not go for this.
Wait, wait.
You've been beefing about it
being dull. Here's some action.
Come on.
Oh, now...
Come on, you follow me... in
front. Fearless Frazier, huh?
Come in.
Sit down, please.
Get a load of
that stale character.
What are we in? A duck blind or something?
Sit down.
I don't smoke.
He don't smoke either.
You're Reardon and you're
Frazier, is that right?
Yeah, how'd you know? What's
with you? What's your racket?
- How much money have you got?
- That's that.
How much? We haven't got anything.
We're tapped out.
We ain't working. Besides,
we got a lot of relatives...
who ain't working who got a
lot of relatives. Big family.
We're killing her.
Wait, she's crying.
You're not gonna go for
that crying dame routine.
They want to wipe their eyes
on your bankroll.
Don't you want to hear
what it's about? Wait.
Honey, honey,
what's the matter?
I have a friend
who's in serious trouble.
What kind of trouble?
that's my friend.
Donna and I were on our
way into the interior...
when a terrible thing
happened. What happened?
We were captured
by slave traders.
Are you ready?
- Please.
- Honey, what are you selling?
We're not kids out of the sixth
grade. What happened to the fifth?
Well, you were...
You're in Africa now.
Strange things happen here.
This is a horrible place.
Really, it's terrible.
The whole magilla here,
isn't it?
If you were both captured,
how is it you're loose?
They didn't want me.
Oh, naturally.
I mean, that's too bad. Nice out.
If I had any money, I'd buy
her freedom. I wouldn't ask you.
Take us to her. Where is
she? This way, I think.
Hiya, hiya, hiya.
There she is.
There's Donna.
Very rakish, huh?
That's it. Let's get her.
No, you've got to bid.
She's gonna come high too.
Let's get a down payment.
Bounce the whole thing on the
barrel head. The lump, huh?
She has, hasn't she? I wouldn't know.
- 20 kolaks.
- 25 kolaks.
- 30 kolaks.
- 40 kolaks.
What's a kolak?
It's about six bits.
50 kolaks.
50 kolaks!
What was the price?
50 kolaks.
Is that F.O.B. Detroit?
Shhh. One of the newer models.
Here she is now.
Here's Donna.
Oh, bid, bid. Say something. I will, wait.
Hey, 5 kolaks.
5 kolaks.
35 kolaks.
Uh, 40 kolaks.
50 kolaks.
60 kolaks.
70 kolaks.
71 kolaks.
75 kolaks.
76 kolaks.
77 kolaks.
78 kolaks. What are we
doing? Who are you with?
- 120 kolaks.
- A-ha.
120 kolaks.
Let me get at
that capitalist.
150 kolaks. One
hundred and... ha-ha-ha!
He's ticklish. Stay with him. 150 kolaks.
50, 50, 50,
bongo. American.
Bongo, we made it. Right here, dear.
Pay the man, Junior. You
handle all the good stuff.
How many kolaks?
Sticky, ain't it?
Let's get you out
of those things.
I think they're overdoing
this slave bracelet thing.
There we are.
Ah, bongo. How can I ever repay you?
It was nothing. What do you
mean? It cost us 150 Polkas.
What's that? Two beers. Are you kidding?
You can pay us. We're not
proud. Walk home with me.
I'd be glad to. We'll see you
later. Half the money was mine.
You can walk halfway.
I wonder if
the sale's over.
Come back here.
What kind of a shuffle is this?
75 for you,
75 for me.
You very smart girl.
Very clever idea.
Ideas are all
we've got.
Baby, have I got food! What'd you get?
All the vitamins
from "A" to "Z."
I'll take "A" and be
satisfied with that.
Well, it worked okay.
We'll eat for a while.
What happened
to Zeke and Lemuel?
Prepare yourself for a shock.
How's your heart?
It'll feel better when I wrap
this goose liver around it.
Do you know how much money
those two boys had?
Not $100.
Nobody's got $100.
- $7,000.
- Water.
Just let me look at it. Let me get
my hands on it. Now, wait a minute.
They're not that easy.
But listen to this.
They're taking us cross-country
to young Bradley.
You trying to tell grandma
they'd lug you across country...
so you can marry
the Bradley bankroll?
They don't know about that.
I put on an act.
They think they're taking
me to see a dying father.
He's an ivory trader.
You're really improving.
That's better than the yarn
you gave young Bradley.
I managed to squeeze out tears.
I made 'em trickle down.
What are we doing going
into a jungle with dames?
They'll start hanging unto our
necks and screaming... or vice versa.
If there's any screaming,
I'll know who to blame.
If they spend our dough, you're gonna
hear plenty of screaming from me.
She gives you
a baby stare...
and you're reaching into
your pocket for my dough.
The kid was crying so hard
she could hardly talk.
An American girl too. Where's
your red, white and blue blood?
I ain't waving it every time
I see a big pair of brown eyes.
I had to help her.
I'd do that much for a dog.
A dog don't sell you an idea
of going on a safari.
A dog don't eat three meals a day and
there's no chance of marrying a dog.
you're in the tree tonight.
Oh, not again.
Oh, yes.
Oh, please. There we go. That's a big man.
You mean you're going into the
suite again. I'm very happy here.
Everything's comfortable
for you? I like it here.
Just ring if you need anything.
I wouldn't want to bother you.
A cup of cocoa
or something.
Make yourself comfy. Yeah, that's
what I like about you, 50-50.
That's a big man.
Ha, ha, ha.
Don't worry about me.
Ha, ha, ha.
You all right?
Who's there?
You all settled
and cozy and comfy?
Let's have a nice,
Frank, open discussion.
We might as well
go out on a safari.
Look, I'm not going on any
safari. It's a great hideout.
Let's hide somewhere.
Let's go back.
How we gonna go back?
If we're lucky enough
to get through those cops,
we gotta face Lebec and that 7-foot
character with the toad-stabber.
You want any piece ofhim? No, I guess not.
Well, so far, safari.
Donna, have you got the bags?
Yes, it's here. It's all set.
I'm not too fussy. This
will do for me. Ah-ah-ah.
I'm not fussy. You're in the
observation car in the rear.
How about this? This is mine.
Been in the family for years.
My folks are old safari
people from South Dakota.
How about me? You catch
a zebra and ride in.
I just swing it from tree
to tree. Do the best you can.
Mr. Livingstone, can I see you?
I'm sending out the laundry.
Keep in touch with me, will you? Okay.
Give me a hand with the
trunk. Get your head down.
My head?
You're gonna carry it.
What about the Porters?
It's full of valuables.
I'm not gonna trust it to
them. Boys, give it a lift.
Mush on, men.
Give it a big right rudder.
Warm skies
The cry of a wild bird
The murmuring shadows
That hide in
the deep tangled wood
The wind
softly whispers
That it isn't far
where enchanted orchids are
This is thejungle
And the road
to Zanzibar
Lions may roar
leopards may growl
Savages may
shout and holler
But outside of that
it's peaceful
And a gentleman
needn't have a dollar
The trees
deal in magic
And a guiding star
can't help you where you are
Romance may happen
On the road
to Zanzibar
Hey, this is okay.
Not bad.
We'll probably start
an auto camp here.
- Mr. Frazier, bwana.
- I don't wanna bwana.
Men want money
before sleep.
I paid them last night, the night
before and the night before that.
What, do they got slot
machines around here?
Might as well pay them, unless
you want to follow the swallows.
Think they got a union?
Union! They got muscles too.
Sticky, ain't it?
- Fearless.
- Yeah?
Fearless, I wonder if...
I can't call you Fearless.
What's your right name?
Fearless, I wonder if
you'd do something for me.
Oh, sure, anything...
within reason.
Sit down.
No, a splinter.
Now, I want you to try
and forget that I'm here.
Try and forget
you're here?
Your smile
is much too wise
You're dangerous
You kiss me
with your eyes
You're dangerous
Sure you have
the right fellow?
My heart
gets so excited
It's thrilled
for a change
And simply because
you're charming
Now isn't
that strange
You know
that moon too well
You're dangerous
Why any fool
can tell
You're dangerous
And with your
arms around me
I should call
for aid
You're dangerous
But who's afraid
Now, wait a minute.
Ooh, you're dangerous.
You kiss me
with your eyes
Oh, you're dangerous
My heart
gets so excited
It's thrilled
for a change
And simply because
you're charming
Now isn't
that strange
You know the moon
too well
Oh, you're dangerous
Why any fool
can tell
You're dangerous
And with your arms
around me
I should call
for aid
You're dangerous
But who's afraid
Does that do anything
to you, Mr. Frazier?
No, nothing at all.
Well, good-bye.
What's the idea? What are you
turning the heat on him for?
Just practicing.
Practicing? Oh!
I haven't seen Bradley in weeks.
He might have cooled off.
I wanted to see what kind
of effect the song had.
Hey, Chuck?
I want you to do
something for me.
What is it? I'm kind
of worried. It's Donna.
She's gettin' romantic notions and I
don't want any entangling alliances.
I want you to put in
a bad word for me.
I wouldn't worry, Junior,
you can handle it.
I know how
these dames work.
First thing you know,
she'll be getting cold,
and she'll come up
and snuggle next to me.
See what I mean? Don't know how you do it?
It's chilly,
isn't it?
Are you comfortable? Yes, thanks.
Look at that moon. It's as big
as a million-dollar gold piece.
It's funny. I'm just
beginning to notice it.
It's pretty,
isn't it, Junior?
The moon routine...
opening maneuver.
What did you say
your father was doing...
in the middle
of thejungle?
I thought I told you.
He's a rubber trader.
Your girlfriend said
he was an ivory trader.
Well, he is.
He trades rubber for ivory...
and ivory back again
for more rubber, you see?
Comes out
even, huh?
Leave Donna alone.
She's had trouble enough.
She's takin' it like
a little soldier too.
Little soldier in
the old army game.
You're in pretty solid
with this kid,
but I think I can
sabotage you.
Don't scuttle me. I wouldn't
do it for anybody but you.
I know
you wouldn't.
Oh, my.
You about ready to go to
sleep, baby? I'll be along soon.
Wouldn't you like me
to fix you a cup of tea?
No thank you. But look what I found!
Bradley's tea. It's your
favorite brand, remember?
All right, Julia,
if it'll make you happy.
Well, come on.
Good night, Chuck.
Good night, Hubert.
Is that you?
I told her
Wait a minute.
Where's my other leg?
I think it's in your other pants. Oh, yeah.
She's just usin' you to get
to me. You're a riot, Hubert.
I had a gal in Birch Falls. You know
what she did to get me on the hook?
She was runnin' around with
a sailor to make me jealous.
I used to send her candy, furs,
jewelry, and things like that.
And she used to send them
back with nasty notes.
Thought I didn't get it. She's probably
still carrying a terrific torch for you.
What was that?
It's just an owl or
something. Go to sleep. An owl?
What was that?
Me! Come on, will you go to sleep?
I will.
What're you gonna do with
that? It's just for propaganda.
Couldn't hit anything with it.
But I could worry 'em a little.
Boy, I'm nervous.
Hey, I'm shaking!
I was so nervous, the bed is still
shaking. Go to sleep, will ya?
Oh, no wonder.
Look, it's a snake.
Yeah, snake.
A snake!
And so, at daybreak, our little
band of intrepid adventurers...
sets forth on its
perilous journey...
into the mysterious,
Week after week,
they plod onward...
with nothing to guide them but the
stars by night and the sun by day...
and their own inherent
sense of direction.
Over mountains,
through marshes, over rivers...
Why, they've been
over that river before.!
Something's gone wrong here.
Oh, this is terrible.
Why are they going that way?
If I could only tell them.
No, no, no.!
Not that way. Turn back.!
Well, at last they're
back on their course again.
Day after day,
theyjourney onward,
cutting a trail deeper and deeper
into the uncharted interior.
Onward and onward, unaware of the
dangers that lurk on every side.
Suddenly, there's a tense moment
as they come face-to-face...
with the terror of
the dark continent...
a charging rhinoceros.!
The ground trembles beneath
5,000 pounds of death on the hoof.
But dauntless
and unafraid,
our courageous four
hold their ground.
Shaken by their narrow escape,
they come to the Masaka River.
I know you, old boy. You and your
moonlight walks. Don't you worry about that.
If Donna wants to, let her
slap my face. Come here.
What? I shaved. What's
this? Your eyes are all red.
Just a minute. You're crazy.
Just the white part is red.
Guess it's my imagination. I'm ready.
That and with what
Thonga's been saying.
What does Thonga know?
He's no doctor.
Well, don't wait up...
Thonga's what?
Go ahead now. Have a
good time, enjoy yourself.
What was it? A lot of white
men have come down with it...
and a lot of them have gotten
over it. They haven't all died.
What're you doing?
What're you tryin' to sell?
Thonga's been saying you might
be coming down with malaria.
I don't think so. Me?
Are you kidding? I'm one of
the healthiest men around here.
What is that, Chuck? This is
a little malarial preventive.
I thought I better take some.
I've been exposed now.
I gotta rush on... You look
all right. Have a good time.
Even if you have anything, it's
just a very mild case. Yeah.
So long.
Say, Chuck,
I thought I'd take a dose
before I started.
It'll pick me up
a little.
That's the last dose. The last dose?
I better take it. I
think I'd better have it.
I'm operating this
safari and I think...
I'm the man with the pink eyes.
I'd better go for it. There we go.
Take it all.
That's a good boy.
Makes you feel better.
That's good.
What is that? It's a mild sort of sedative.
That'll make me sleep! I gave you a
double-header. It shouldn't hurt you.
I got a date with Donna. I gotta
be peppy. I'll make up your bed.
Why do I listen to you? I gotta
take something. Take a nap.
I gotta be... Come on,
Junior. La da Dee Dee
Why do you
do this to me?
Da da Dee Dee da There. Why
do I want to listen to you?
Oh, what a night!
What a moon!
What a girl!
Must be more to it than this. What does
a fella do now? You could read poetry.
I could if I had
a book of poetry.
I could play a guitar
if I had a guitar.
If you knew how to play one. How
about a nice mixed green salad?
This reminds me
of a picture I saw once.
A fellow and a girl
in a canoe.
Just like we are...
only he was paddling.
Showing off?
Yeah, and out of a clear sky
he started to sing a song.
What's wrong with that? Nothing.
But what killed me is that from
nowhere an orchestra started...
Violins and everything right
in the middle of the jungle.
I think I can top that.
I saw a picture once...
Same situation...
a boy and a girl in a canoe.
She was paddling.
All of a sudden he sticks
his hand in the water...
and out comes the sound of a harp,
out of the water. I don't believe it.
It's a fact.
All he did was this.
Did you hear something?
Uh-huh. Do it again.
What is this?
That's not bad. Now if you could
just take it down a halftone.
Okay, shorty!
Orchestra, please.
Whenever it's
early twilight
I watch 'til a star
breaks through
Funny, it's not
a star I see
It's always you
Whenever I roam
through roses
And lately
I often do
Funny, it's not
a rose I touch
It's always you
If a breeze
caresses me
It's really you
strolling by
And if I hear
a melody
It's merely
the way you sigh
Wherever you are
You're near me
You dare me
to be untrue
Funny, each time
I fall in love
It's always you
Where have you been half the
night? And I don't believe it. Oh...
Just out, grandma.
Just out, huh?
I don't need any thermometer to tell
me that you're running a temperature.
Tomorrow, huh?
Oh, no.
I'm a little tired. We'll
take care of it right now!
You're marrying Bradley if
I have to climb the steeple...
and ring the wedding bells
myself. Can't we forget Bradley?
You wanna forget Bradley?
Now, you listen to me!
You're not going to pass up
the Bradley millions,
not for the other half
of a human cannonball!
All right, Julia!
If it'd make you happier, the next time
Chuck comes near, I'll sling mud at him!
Good! And I'll
hand you the mud!
Good night, baby.
Not too much muscle on
those duds. Leave it to me.
There we are. What did
you do to my best shirt?
What'd you do to your best pal?
You handed me a Mickey Finn!
Would I do that to you? You sure
would, if you were in the same spot.
All the time she was with you,
she was talkin' about me.
She was very unhappy
because you weren't there.
Cried, cried, and cried... on my
shoulder. That don't mean nothin'.
Being a gentleman
of the old school,
I slipped my arm around her, no
struggle. That don't mean nothin'.
With the moon and the stars
and one thing and another,
I sorta kissed her.
That don't mean nothin'. Did to me.
Listen, Buster, you're just the
come-on, the shill. I'm the shill?
You think she's gonna kiss
me to make you jealous?
You weren't there.
You didn't even see it.
Somehow you don't get it.
Don't you know why she does it?
Why's that? She knows you'll
tell me. You big blabbermouth!
Fearless, would you like to
take a little walk with me?
Huh? Oh, sure! I'll be right
with you. I can finish this later.
If you don't mind, I'd like
to talk to Fearless alone.
That's the way life is. Some fellas
got it and some fellas ain't got it.
You got it!
I'm no different than
a lot of other guys.
I've knocked around, but then the
right one comes along and I'm hooked.
Not easy, mind you.
let's sit down.
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
You can fight it
all you want to,
but when love really
comes along, you're gone.
And it's
come along, huh?
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
Well, tell Hubert. What's whispering
in that little heart of yours.
Well, it's about Chuck. Oh.
No, don't go.
Last night I guess I was carried
away, gave him the wrong idea.
Now I'm worried. I want to be
fair with him, but you see...
somebody else.
Oh. And now you wonder whether
you ought to tell Chuck?
Uh-huh, but it's kinda
hard for me to do, I...
How did you know? I know what girls are
thinking better than they do themselves.
What should I do?
I've got to tell him.
I like him so much, and yet
I... Listen, it's simple.
Don't worry. He already knows.
I've been tellin' him all along.
How did you find out? Right there.
I got a feeling for those things.
It shows all over you. I
knew the first time I met you.
And you told Chuck? I tried to, but
it's so hard to beat it into his head.
He's one of the nicest fellas
in the world, my best pal,
but he's so
stuck on himself.
Thinks when he's around a girl,
they won't look at anybody else.
What do you think I should
do about it? Don't do a thing.
Leave it all to me.
I'll handle the whole thing.
Fearless, you're a darling. Yeah, I know.
I think I better go.
Thank you, Fearless.
Aren't you coming?
Not until my toes uncurl. Bye.
Come on, come on. Put
that junk up, will ya?
Let's talk this over. This isn't
junk and I've got nothing to say.
I've gotta get it finished.
Should look very fetching on you.
I'm getting shoes and a
bag to match. I'd do that.
It's for a certain party. Token
of my steam. "Esteem" is the word.
No, steam.
I was hot that night.
Stop dropping these
veiled hints around here.
What's percolating up in
that single cell of yours?
It's what I've been
trying to tell you.
Donna doesn't care for you,
she's in love with me.
- She told you?
- If I might say, verbatim.
That's the silliest
thing I ever heard of.
How could she be
in love with you?
You talk like I'm a goon or something.
When I'm with women, I get
a different personality.
Sort of a Jekyll and Hyde. You
don't ever get them mixed up, do you?
You've been wonderful to me,
and I want to be fair with you,
because we like you...
but you know that's life.
Some fellas got it and some
fellas ain't got it... I got it.
Chuck, I wanna talk to
you. Why don't you knock?
on canvas?
I'd like to talk to Chuck. Go ahead.
Chuck, sit down.
The lady wants to talk.
What I'm gonna tell you, it's for
your own good. Donna's, everybody's.
I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
You're gettin'
Donna mixed up.
There's no use dusting
off the orange blossoms.
I've been giving him
the same routine.
She's in love
with somebody else.
You're hearing it with your
own ears. I've been tellin' him.
How do you know? She told me.
What is this, everybody tellin'
everybody else? Why don't she tell me?
She gets tongue-tied
in the moonlight,
but she's got one chance for
security and for happiness...
and I'm gonna see
that she gets it.
She's gonna marry Jay Theodore
Bradley if I have to use a shotgun.
Now, I guess you'll listen.
She's gonna marry Bradley...
Who? Hey!
What do you mean she's
gonna marry Bradley?
Okay.! Okay.!
How do you like that,
she's got a guy.!
Who? We're dumb. She's gonna marry Bradley.
Nobody's dying, you understand?
That's what kills me.
Nobody's dyin'...
not even her father.
She never had a father.
We're suckers! No father?
She's hitchhiking on us,
spending our dough!
She's gonna marry Bradley,
that guy with the yachts!
You could melt his cups
and have a million.
We're the guys sailing. Take it
slower, about eight-to-the-bar.
What was that? She's gonna marry
Bradley, the guy with the boats.
And I'm stringing the beads! I saw you.
He tells her to come,
but she has no dough.
We step into the picture,
loaded with dough. We're big men.
We had dough.
They're gone.
We're cooked. Wish I was dead. So do I.
How about that trouble with
the slave market? All a phoney!
We're supposed
to be smart gees!
Where do you think those
dames are from? Where?
Brooklyn, and they did it to us! Oi, vai.!
What're we gonna do? We'll have
her dodging all the way to Brooklyn!
Come on!
How do you like that?
Hey, Donna,
come here.
Wait a minute.
I'll get her.
She's not here.
Not here?
Thonga, did you see Miss Donna? Miss Donna?
She go that way.
Come on.
Help! Help!
Somebody help.!
Wait. Do we know what we're
doing? No, but come on.
- Help!
- Donna?
It's her clothes.
The leopards! They've
killed her! It can't be.
Oh, Donna.
She was so pretty.
Just a kid.
We shouldn't have
let her go out alone.
It's our own fault.
Who's gonna break
the news toJulia?
Somebody's gotta tell her. Yeah. Somebody.
This is all there is
left of her, I guess.
Not even an ear,
Gee, what hogs
those leopards are.
Want to take this
stuff back to camp?
No, let's bury
it right here.
Sort of make the ground...
Make the ground hallowed, huh?
Yeah, that's the stuff. That's
a nice thought, Fearless.
Only moments ago we were
talking together, laughing.
You know, sometimes when the
light hit her just right...
she was the prettiest thing
I've ever seen. Yeah, I noticed.
And a couple of minutes ago we were
gonna tell her where to head in.
When I think of what she did
to us, that Bradley thing!
If I'd have gotten my hands on
her, I'd have... Fearless, not now.
We have to rise above
these petty things.
When I think what she did to us,
it's so hard to rise.
Maybe you oughta
say a few words, huh?
Yeah. A poem would be nice.
You know any poems?
"A bunch of the boys were whooping
it up at the malamute saloon,
and the kid that was playing... " No. No.
Don't fit, huh?
"'Twas a balmy
summer's evening,
and a goodly crowd
was there... "
No? There must be other poems.
Might be better if I just
said what I feel. Yes.
Donna, I've only
known you a short time,
but in that short time you've...
you've crept into my heart.
What's the matter with me? She
crept into both of us. Donna...
it's true
you lied to us.
That's just too bad. You
didn't have too, you know.
You could've... I don't
know why she did it.
I've never heard of
such a filthy trick.
Carting us
across thejungle,
spending our dough
and lying like that.!
She didn't
have to do it!
If she'd come out with it,
we'd have helped her! Yes.
Not once did she tell us...
Chuck! We gotta rise above it.
I'm sorry. Even though she's wrong...
We gotta rise.
We gotta rise.
Donna, good-bye. Chuck, doesn't
seem like a funeral to me.
Maybe you oughta
sing a hymn.
Maybe if I just sang our song? That's nice.
Whenever it's
early twilight
I watch 'til a star
breaks through
It's funny,
it's not a star I see
It's always you
Come in,
Wherever you are
you're near me
You dare me
to be untrue
It's funny, each time
I fall in love
It's always you
If a breeze
caresses me
It's really you
strolling by
And if I hear
a melody
It's merely...
The way you sigh Hey, hey, look here.
You're alive, huh?
I might've known.
If I could find those
leopards, I'd sic 'em on you.
What's the matter?
I was just having fun.
She's buried and she's having
fun! A comical corpse, huh?
We know about Bradley
and you lying too.!
You and that phoney slave market.! You
can't even get killed on the level.!
Anybody else would leave
you out in this jungle.
But not us, we're the
better-type suckers!
You're right. We're gonna
give you the full treatment.
Take Thonga and the
safari! And take the money!
Take a powder! You can take Bradley too!
And how
you'll take him.
Give him our deepest
sympathies. He'll need it!
That's tellin' her. That's
the larger-type brush.
I never heard you go better. Very
seldom I give out with that routine.
Wouldn't you think
she'd come crawling...
on her hands and knees,
begging us to forgive her?
Instead, she runs out on us.
All we did was tell her to.
Isn't that a woman for you every
time? Maybe Bradley was a bluff.
Maybe she saw I wasn't
gettin'jealous of you,
so she rang in
a millionaire.
You mean, there
was no Bradley?
She travels across Africa
just to be with you? Could be.
You're a riot. Fearless
Frazier, the great profile.
Not bad from
the side, either.
Come on, let's get out of
here. Where are we goin'?
Anywhere where we can get
a boat back to the States.
Now you're cookin' with gas. Which
way is that? Well, we came in...
Here we go.
where'd you go?
See any signs of life? Life?
This looks like a graveyard.
Who built this? I don't
know. It wasn't beavers.
Old Man Mose.
What a way to
collect the rent.
Badly hurt.
There's been a bit of
pig-sticking, dear boy.
What's this?
Come on. Let me hear from you.
What is this?
This must have been some
party. We miss everything.
Look at the drums!
You remember him.
Don't get up.
Look at this. Drums! Yeah.!
How about this?
Was I too
hot for you?
What's that, an echo? Sounds like an echo.
Let's try it.
that's no echo.
You know what this is?
Ajungle telegraph office.
Jungle telegraph?
S.O. S... get us out of here.
I don't know the code.
Well, fake it. Do something.
She's never around when you
need her. Let's try this here.
Tell 'em
we need food.
And a change
of linen.
Get a big bus. We want to
get back to Birch Falls.
Any messages for the folks?
Can you send over ten words?
What was that? I just sent it collect.
Do you hear that?
What is it?
I don't know.
We're not getting through.
We're on the wrong wavelength.
Here, you try it once. I'll try it.
Come and get us!
You take it. I'm beat. Who, me?
I'll try it on the little drum.
Yeah, get a different tone.
The boys are here.
They are?
You sent the wrong
message. It was intercepted.
Hi, fellas.
Who's got the dice?
What do you make of it? The way I figure,
they think we're big shots, maybe
gods or something. I wish I was sure.
What worries me is
all this trimming...
Don't mean a thing. It's
like parsley on fish. Yeah.
Looks like they're gonna
broil us like lamb chops.
Wait a minute! What do you want to
be? "The man who came to dinner"?
Moon-face is for us, but old
ratchet-head's putting in an awful knock.
Should we kiss the babies?
We're not running for anything.
We've already
been elected.
What's this?
That's gold.
Cut yourself in, Junior.
I'm in there. Yes, sir!
Old pawnbroker.
If this keeps up, we'll be
loaded. Try and act like a god.
A god?
I said a god,
not a cod.
This is okay. This is
probably the 40-cent tour.
These open-top cabs are the
thing, boy. Yeah, no meter.
We're off
to see the wizard.
I don't like the
looks of these.
Probably some of their
own boys killed in battle.
This one's got a removable
bridge! Well, remove it.
ghoul it.
Me? Probably wants me
to make a speech.
Say a few words.
I'll be right back.
This kid's a great
talker. Where's the stand?
This'll be all right.
I can speak here.
Wait a minute!
Am I exhibit "A"?
I guess they don't think you're a
god anymore. I'm big in Birch Falls.
Wait, wait! Don't move. What're you doing?
What're you talkin' about? Hinge!
No! No!
Oh, no.!
Look out.!
Get me out of here!
He'll kill me!
He'll tear me up like an old
blotter! It's a test of strength.
They want you to wrestle him.! Wrestle?
Like Bonzo the bear.! Nothing but
hair and muscles! I can't wrestle that!
Pour it on him!
Pour what, my blood? He's down! Go get him!
Go ahead, go get him!
Climb on him, boy!
Think you're playing with kids?
That'll teach you!
You can't miss.
You're too scientific.
I got him!
I got him!
Positions reversed.
No! Foul!
Chuck, do something!
Oh, my toes!
Come on,
you fearless boy!
tell him to stop.!
Oh, you don't
like it?
I'll dig my way
out of here!
Hey! Hey!
Now you're
working in there!
Come on, boy.!
Here you are.
Beat it, Fearless.
Fly, boy!
- Keep working in there.
- Oh, Chuck!
Keep working
in there, boy!
Go ahead,
isn't it?
Come on, boy.!
Now you're working in there.
- You're gonna outpoint him.
- Excuse me.
Now you got it.!
Was that me? Get back in there
and pitch. You're gonna win!
Come on, fearless boy!
Take him! Hit him, boy!
If I get this act to the States, it'll
kill them! What state will I be in?
Light a match! Do something!
I haven't got any more.
Let the blood go
back in my head.!
I don't want
any more food!
Hey, will you cut out
that chirping?
You're driving me crazy
in this chicken coop.
These guys dancin' and beatin'
those drums for days.
If they're gonna eat us,
why don't they do it?
Don't be in a hurry, boy. You'll
be brisket of beef soon enough.
Imagine me on the
65-cent blue plate.
I think you're slated for
the businessman's lunch.
Fearless Frazier,
the human meatball!
I gotta get out of here. There must
be some way. Look out, look out.
They'll grab an
hors d'oeuvre off you.
pardon yourself.
Must've been
somebody he ate.
That's life...
here today...
and just a
burp tomorrow.
I like it in here.
What about this? It's the last mile, boy.
I'm telling you,
I'll give you indigestion.
You won't like me!
Think of something.
You're the big idea man.
They're gonna make 4-minute eggs
out of us. He's had enough already.
Well, it's worth
a trial. Here.
Patty cake, patty cake
baker's man
Bake a cake
as fast as you...
Now, listen. Don't nix this
thing until you've heard it.
It might be the biggest idea I've ever had.
You come out beautifully gowned
with sequins and spangles.
You flex your muscles,
and there you are...
Mademoiselle Frazier, the
bearded lady. Are you kidding?
You think I want those
sailors chasing me? No, sir!
You seem to have lost
all confidence in me.
Get me out of this Emile Zola and
get me two tickets home. What with?
The minute
I get off that boat,
I'm gonna grab a handful
of that U.S.A. and eat it.
Birch Falls! What're we gonna
use for money, personality?
Come here.
What's this? You know
Fearless Frazier in a pinch.
Solid gold. What did you
do, roll a prospector?
When we were gods, the chief
put 'em around our neck.
Where've you had them? I hid them.
I got a secret panel in my
head. Room enough there for it.
Let's hock 'em, get
sharpened up and draped down!
And check
this beaver.
I'll have a shave if you can
find my face. Don't cut yourself.
How 'bout me getting the boat tickets
while you're losing that hedge?
What's the matter
with waitin' for me?
I waited for you. There might
be a boat sailin' any minute.
I don't know about you
goin' alone for the tickets.
I think I'm old enough
to get a couple of tickets.
See you in the hotel
in a half hour, huh?
He said half an hour.
It's six hours already.
He's got 'em.
He must have the tickets.
Please let him
have the tickets.
Maybe something happened to him. Nah.
Maybe he drowned.
If he did drown, let them find
the tickets on him. Fearless.!
Wait 'til I tell you
what happened.!
Just wave the tickets at me
while you're doing it.
There's no boat for a month. Tie
an outboard motor on me and aim me.
Wait 'til I tell you.
I didn't get the tickets.
You didn't get the tickets?
No, I ran into a fella...
I don't want to hear about a fella
unless he has an anchor and a poop deck.
You're always running into a
fella, and I want to go home!
What are you doing to me? What I
got is better than tickets home!
There's nothin' better. This is better.
Our dough's gone.
You bought something.
I'm going to take you in my
hands and walk all over you!
Chuck! Be a good boy. Just relax.
The tickets!
I wanna go home!
Wait just a minute.
Here's what we got and for
keeps too. Donna.! Julia.!
What is this? We wanted
to get money to get home.
They were workin' that slave
racket. What about Bradley?
Love upset that. I couldn't get
Donna near him with a mule team.
She tossed him over, huh?
Well, it's no surprise.
I figured sooner or later she'd
get moody about me again...
Wait, Livingstone.
Not you, him.
You know,
some fellas got it...
and some fellas
ain't got it.
So that's
the way it is?
I got it.
How are we all
gonna get home?
We've only got dough for
two tickets. I got an idea.
What an idea!
Money to get home?
We'll have enough for
a Mediterranean cruise!
Chuck, go on your honeymoon!
I'll give you everything.
I can see this now. A
big black box. Chuck...
It's never been done in this territory
before. You got that look, Chuck.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks.
Come closer, come closer.
Fearless Frazier,
king of the bucksaw,
will saw this
young lady in half!
Here we go. The lid is
placed upon the lovely lady.
We fasten the catch.
The saw is put in place...
and we are
about to proceed.
You all right, honey? Right, I hope.
Here we go!
You sure you know
how to do this?
If I don't, one of us
is going back half-fare.