Road Trip (2000) Movie Script
(Man) Welcome to the University
of Ithaca. This is it, right here.
I'm gonna give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know.
This is the main area
of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
This is sort of where you congregate.
Come in around me. Keep close.
I've had problems
with stragglers before, OK?
They get lost in the back
and hit by trucks, OK?
It's not pretty. This is the...
By the way, this is the Joseph
H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?
It was built, uh...
It was built, uh, in the 1600s.
(Sniggering)
That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.
That's the psychology department.
You're expected to volunteer for
cutting-edge experimental testing.
Kind of cool.
When it's your turn, remember
to wear loose clothes, no metal,
and be prepared to receive several
heavy doses of electric current.
They're watching us right now.
Over there
is the department of English.
Most of you speak English already
so we can skip that.
- How long have you been here?
- Eight years.
(All laughing)
You don't seem to know anything.
This is the worst tour ever.
It's the worst school ever.
Doesn't anything cool happen?
Yeah, cool stuff happens.
This university
is the coolest place in the world.
That's because
he's never been anywhere else.
(All laughing)
Go ahead, laugh all you want.
But the fact is, this is the setting
for the greatest story ever told.
OK?
It's about this guy I knew,
Josh Parker,
and his girlfriend, Tiffany.
It's one of the most
fascinating journeys ever.
'Josh and Tiffany
were always together,
'starting from when they were little.
'They did everything as a team.
'When Tiffany was 10,
she had her tonsils taken out.
'Josh stayed in the hospital
for three days.
'They were best friends.
'What started out as friendship...
'blossomed into some serious French
kissing and lots of heavy petting.
'They spent so much time together
that even their dogs started dating.
'They seemed destined
to be together forever.
'But after high school, they faced
the most challenging challenge ever -
'a long-distance relationship.
'See, while Josh was enrolled here at
the wonderful University of Ithaca,
'Tiffany went off to
veterinary school in Austin, Texas.
'But they made a pact,
a promise to stay true to each other,
'to talk every day and maintain
an exclusive relationship.'
That turned out to be more difficult
than either of them ever imagined.
Tiffany! Hey, baby.
Oh, my God.
You were amazing last night.
- I never ever came like that before.
- Come on!
Seriously! I had to take
two birth control pills today.
You wanna help me study
again tonight??
Forget tonight. Come over now.
Let's blow this class off.
(Gasps)
(Ringing)
'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the
phone but please leave a message.'
- (Beep)
- Hey, Tif, it's me...again.
Just wonderin' where you are.
Still trying to get hold of you.
Everything's cool, though.
I'll catch you later.
Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.
I just wanted to add something
before I sent this video.
I haven't talked to you
in a few days and...
I'm thinking you don't like me...
I'm kidding.
Hey, guys.
But I am getting a little worried so
gimme a call when you get a chance.
Barry says hi.
So gimme a call
as soon as you can. I miss you.
- Call me, OK? Bye.
- (Laughing)
- What's up, guys?
- Not much. You?
I was just finishing my tape to Tif.
(Barry) Mitch, what are you doing?
Are you hungry? Huh?
- You gonna feed him?
- No, I'm checking the temperature.
Mitch needs an evenly distributed
Can I drop a mouse in?
Mitch only eats once a week,
on Saturdays.
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,
and we could feed him half now
and the other half on Saturday.
I don't think so.
I thought you had class now?
What time is it?? Oh, shit!
Do me a favour -
when this is rewound, mail it for me?
- No problem. Leave it there.
- Thanks, man.
- See you guys later.
- Bye.
Can we please feed him now?
No. If you overfeed him he could die.
So? It'll be worth it.
- Josh, hey.
- Beth, hey.
- What's goin' on?
- Not much.
- Where have you been?
- Nowhere.
Studying. I'm starting
to question this college thing.
There's so much reading.
- Right. (Chuckles)
- Yeah.
- You going to EL's tonight??
- Yeah.
(Josh) I gotta run,
class has started.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah. Sorry.
So, you have a thing
for that guy now, is that it??
- It's not your business, Jacob.
- I can tell.
- I'm not having this conversation.
- What conversation?
You need to stop this.
We're not a couple.
We've never been a couple,
and never will.
(Professor) This week
I'd like you to think about
Plato's Dialogues
of the middle years.
"The Republic", "Phaedo",
"Symposium".
Now, this will all be
on next week's mid-term,
so I suggest you read up on it.
Ah, Jacob,
do you have anything to add?
Just a reminder.
The mid-term will cover
all of the in-class lectures
as well as
all of the assigned readings.
It will be entirely essay form,
so bring legal pads.
I prefer yellow.
It's easier on the eyes.
OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.
And...see you all next week
for the mid-term.
- Josh.
- Yes?
I saw you hitting on Beth.
NOT a good idea.
- She's spoken for.
- What??
She'll come back to me.
They always do.
So... Mr Parker.
Do you intend
to be ready for this exam?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, you better be ready.
Because I was
looking over the books last night
and you need a B on this test
just to pass this class.
Actually,
I double-checked that, Professor.
He needs a B+.
We can't bend on this.
I got it.
- Just copy off someone.
- I can't. It's all essays.
If I fail this class,
my average is shot.
I might lose my financial aid
or not be allowed back.
Well, you're fucked, then.
So come to my party, hook up
with Beth, and enjoy your last week.
I'm not hooking up with anyone.
I'm invested in this relationship.
Invested? Who are you, Charles
Schwab? Listen to yourself!
I would give my life...
for one evening
of consensual sex with that girl.
I've gone this long without cheating.
You're already cheating!
Any time you pass up sex
you cheat yourself.
The window of opportunity
to drink and do drugs
and take advantage
of young girls is shrinking daily.
I gotta make a call.
I'm telling you, you pass this up,
it'll haunt you forever.
Your dick will never forgive you.
What do you think, man? Don't you
want to experience something new?
(Squeaky voice)
It ain't easy being Josh's penis.
We've been here two months,
and I feel like I'm in a coma.
- Stop it.
- I wish I was your dick, EL.
If something doesn't happen soon,
I'm gonna leave.
- Enough.
- (Girl) 'Hello? '
Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother
you, is Tiffany around?
Tiffany is not here.
She didn't sleep here
last night...again.
And it would be great
if for one hour you didn't call.
- Right.
- If she wanted to talk to you
she'd call you.
Deal with it.
- You bitch!
- Does she sound hot??
We've never gone this long
without talking. Something's wrong.
She found someone else,
like you should.
The clock is ticking. Before you know
it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.
# She good-looking
got a mojo cooking
# Yeah, wouldn't give me
the time of day
# But if my occupation
was stars and constellations
# We could get together
in the Milky Way
# And everybody wanna know somebody
# Everyone wants to drop your name
# You need no reservation
no special invitation
# No college education
if you've got fortune and fame... #
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I should really warn you,
it's been known to affect
your decision-making abilities
and lower your inhibitions.
Good. That's the plan.
No, that-that's...
Yes, that is the plan.
- You bring cash?
- Why?
- We've got chicks for sale.
- What??
# Hey, now I'm snappy
got my mojo... #
Trust me. I've been goin'
to this school seven years
and I know the key
to a well-rounded college education
is experimentation.
Let me show you.
This is an auction. Remember...
you are not buying the girl,
only her company, and sale does not
constitute sexual relations.
(Groaning)
(EL) I know. Believe me, I've tried.
Without further ado,
let's introduce our first...person.
- Laura!
- (Applause)
Laura's from Long Island.
She likes the outdoors
and loves seafood.
- OK, let's start the bidding at $5!
- $3.50!
Good God, moneybags,
she's not a Happy Meal.
(Laughter)
- $5.
- OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?
- 10 bucks.
- (Auctioneer calling)
Who's got 15 bucks
for a lovely evening with Laura?!
OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15?
Going once, going twice...
Sold...to the captain.
(Applause)
There you are.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Not much.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, Jacob's here,
and he's a total psycho...
Can you go outbid him?
You know what,
I didn't bring that much money.
You don't understand. He's obsessed.
See? That's fun, right??
OK, PK. Now, I want you two
to kiss each other.
All right, has anyone seen Beth?
There she is!
- (Cheering)
- Say hi to the crowd, Beth.
Hi.
Can I hear a $5 opening bid?
- $5 right here!
- Who can beat five?
- Seven.
- $10.
- $10! Going once. Going twice.
- $15!
- 20.
- 25!
- Going twice.
- 26.
- 26, going once.
- 30!
- OK, can anyone beat $26?
- I just said 30!
There must be someone
who can beat $26?
- Me, right here! 30!
- Sold! To my man Josh for $26.
(Applause)
You heard me.
I bid $30 loud and clear.
Your bid didn't count.
- Why?
- Because you're a TA.
- So?
- This auction is for students.
Goodbye.
# On and on until the early morning
# They're rockin' on and on
until the early morning... #
(Beth giggles)
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
- You owe me more than one.
- Do I?
Technically.
Well...
are you ready to collect?
I think so. Yeah.
We're touching.
It's a lot of fun. (Chuckles)
- We're having a good time.
- (Chuckles)
(Romantic music)
Who's Tiffany Henderson?
Just some girl I used to date
since I was, like, five.
But that's over now. She blew me off.
Oh, poor baby.
You must be very hurt.
Do you need some special attention?
Well, I am pretty upset.
Did that help?
That helped a lot.
I have an idea.
What do you say?
Uh, I don't think so.
Come on! It'll be fun.
- I've always wanted to try this.
- No...
Yes.
I'm gonna interview you.
Fine.
OK.
- OK, Josh.
- Yes.
What do you look for in a girl??
Um, well, let's see.
She should be smart and funny and...
That's good, too.
Do you feel better yet??
I feel a little bit better.
Yeah. A little...
What else do you look for??
She should be attractive and...
nice and...
Topless. And topless.
And she should kiss me.
What else?
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that??
# Tiny salmon swimming in a stream
# Tiny salmon
chasing that impossible dream
# The mynah bird says
(Caws)
(Caws)
# The chimpanzee says
(Screeches)
# The friendly owl says
(Hoots)
# But the salmon can only say
(Blubbers)
# And it's sad #
(Hums cheerfully)
# Good morning, everyone.
# Good morning, everyone.
# How are you and you and you #
What are you so happy about??
I don't know.
Do I seem happy this morning?
Well, you're bouncing around here.
You do seem
unusually light-hearted.
Maybe it's because I had
the best time of my life last night.
Twice! And once this morning.
You and Beth?
- Oh, yeah.
- Shut up. What happened?
No way! You're lying.
I'm not lying.
You can't make out with someone
then pretend you had sex.
- That's really uncool.
- I'm not pretending.
Forget it. I know you're lying.
I guarantee it.
You wanna bet??
Great. I'm gonna bet
on something you can't prove.
You videotaped it!
No, no, no, I didn't!
Gimme that! Gimme that!
- No way! This is amazing!
- I was kidding, I was kidding!
- Gimme the tape.
- Huh? Come on.
- We're gonna see it sooner or later.
- He's got a point.
Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
- EL, no.
- Josh, please? We need this.
OK, listen, seriously.
You can't tell anyone you saw this.
Oh, yeah.
OK. PK!
Barry, hit the lights.
It's boner time!
'Hey, Tif. It's me
coming to you live from Ithaca.'
I thought I asked you
to mail this yesterday?
Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.
Fast-forward to the horny stuff.
Is this the shit
you've been sending Tiffany?
Oh, my God.
# It's you... #
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.
Oh, God!
W-wait a second.
Tell me you mailed
the Beth tape to Tiffany.
Yes!
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
Did you make a copy?
If you made a copy,
we could watch the copy.
(Rings)
Don't answer it!
(Answer machine) 'Hey, it's
Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'
'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.
'Sorry we haven't spoken.
'Listen, my grandfather passed away.
'I've tried calling you
a few times, but no one picked up.
'I didn't want to leave
this message on your machine
'but by now you're probably
a little worried so...
'Anyway, I'm at my parents'
house helping my mom.
'She's really a wreck.
'If I don't speak with you,
I'll call Monday.
'I'll be OK. I just need some time.
'Bye. I love you.'
(Dialling tone)
That's not fair.
How come she gets to see the tape
and we don't??
She gets back there Monday.
That leaves three days to get there.
Get where? Austin?
- That's like 10,000 miles from here.
- 1,800.
You wanna drive 1,800 miles
in three days? Just fly.
Do you have money for a ticket??
I don't.
- All right, so we're driving.
- You're coming?
What else am I gonna do,
stay here and learn?
Road trip.
(Behind door) Just a minute. Hold on.
He's probably jackin' off.
What do you guys want??
Kyle, this is an emergency.
Wait. Let me at least
go back and call my dad.
Call your dad?
Would you listen to yourself?
You're 19 years old,
and you're a fucking sissy.
All you ever do is sit
in a library and play Myst.
It's pathetic.
He's trying to say that
this is your chance to do something.
Be a risk-taker. Come with us.
You're just saying that
because you want my car.
No! No, we've always liked you.
Or just give us the car.
That would make him a risk-taker.
Shut up, all right??
He's coming with us.
Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun!
Aren't you even curious
where we're going?
No.
OK, we're going to the University
of Austin. Sure you won't come?
I don't like Massachusetts.
Austin's in Texas.
You're thinking of Boston.
You've never left this town,
have you?
No, not really.
That could turn
into a debilitating phobia.
OK.
- Can I feed Mitch?
- Yes, actually you can.
There's a brown box of mice
by his cage.
Give him one tomorrow. Just one.
- I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow.
- OK.
You can count on me.
OK? I'm reliable. OK?
You guys do good.
Have a good trip, safe trip.
Buckle up your seat belt.
I'm gonna feed the snake!
I'll feed the snake,
I'll watch the snake.
(Barry) 'So off they went.'
They had 1,800 miles to go,
and only three days to do it.
It was a killer journey and one
that changed them all forever.
The end.
- So we're gonna go look over here.
- Whoa. That's it?? This story sucks.
- What happened with the tape?
- Right. The tape.
Well, um...
Well... Like I said,
they were on a race against time.
# The smoke stack spitting black soot
into the sooty sky
# The load on the road brings a tear
to the Indian's eye... #
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
- can you at least describe it??
- No.
# The elephant won't forget
what it's like inside his cage
# The ringmaster's Telecaster
sings on an empty stage... #
Admit that Beth is amazing.
I admit it, she's amazing.
She's perfect.
I don't know why you feel so guilty.
Technically you haven't cheated.
What are you talking about??
There are these rules that guys have,
an understanding
as to what constitutes cheating.
Take your situation, for example.
It's not cheating.
Not when you're in a different
area code - not to mention state!
That makes no sense.
Don't look at me, Kyle.
I don't make the rules.
This is legit. I've read an article.
There's a whole bunch of them,
like loopholes.
Say you were sleeping with
two girls at the same time,
it's not cheating
because they cancel each other out.
- Ahh.
- Exactly!
Or if you're too wasted
to remember...
It is not cheating.
Because if you
can't really remember it,
it never really took place.
# Uh-huh
# Whoo-oo... #
OK, I've got one. Ready?
It's OK if you spread peanut butter
on your testicles
and let your dog lick it off.
- Because it's your dog!
- Jesus Christ!
- You know, because it's your dog!
- We got it.
# Whoo-oo, uh-huh
# Goddam right, it's a beautiful day
# Uh-huh, goddam right #
Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.
That's right.
One of you is marked for death.
And first thing tomorrow morning,
a chosen one
will experience nature's wrath
in all its fury.
(Hums gloomy religious chant)
Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Are you here for the feeding?
Excuse me?
You're early. It's not till tomorrow.
You should come back.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
I think I'll pass.
Have you seen Josh?
He went to visit his girlfriend.
Tiffany?
I thought they broke up.
I mean this girl who's a friend
of his. You know what I mean.
Where did he go?
Austin?
Austin, Massachusetts?
You mean Boston, Massachusetts?
Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.
The University of Boston
in Massachusetts.
He is such an asshole.
I can't believe
he just lied to my face like that.
I actually thought he liked me.
How could he do that??
- She was topless?
- Girls don't stand around naked.
Yeah, they do. OK? This is my story.
You wanna hear it or not??
- It just doesn't make any...
- Shh. Please, no interruptions, OK?
So this other girl walks up,
totally hot. Naked! Really naked!
I know guys can be jerks.
I guess I just thought
Josh was different. I liked him.
Sweetie, listen to me.
They're all the same.
All men are perverted pigs.
All they care about...
really, all they THINK about is sex.
- You're so right. I feel so used.
- Face it, we're all used.
In most men's eyes, we're just flesh.
- It's so sick!
- It IS sick. Think about it.
If they had it their way...
God, I don't even want to know
what would happen
if they had it their way!
(Beth) What am I supposed to do
now that he's gone?
- Go to Boston and bust his ass.
- Right.
Confront him
and his little girlfriend.
Face to face. You totally should!
Show her what an asshole Josh is,
right??
Hmm...
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby... #
Ooh! These, too.
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy... #
Kyle, come here for a second.
We're a little
short on cash right now,
so we need to put this
on your credit card.
We'll give you the cash
when we get back, I promise.
I can't. It's my dad's.
It's for emergencies only.
Hello! This IS an emergency.
We need this stuff.
You want us to sleep in the dirt??
# I'm freakin' you, baby
drivin' you crazy
# When I get to your place
# I wanna turn up the highs
and turn up the bass... #
(Josh) We're in no-man's-land.
We've been on this road
for over an hour.
This is gonna save us five hours,
minimum. Thank me later.
We should go back to the interstate.
- We're not goin' back.
- Yeah, have some faith.
It's a challenge.
That's why it's a short cut.
If it was easy,
it would just be the way.
(Josh) Damn it! Fuck!
I give us 20 minutes
before our first ass-raping.
If we turn around we'll lose
five hours backtracking.
Turn around? Why? Because of this?
We could make it.
Make it?? You mean jump it??
No. Absolutely not.
No way. We're going back.
It can be done. This incline
is 30 degrees roughly, right??
The factory weight
of the car is 1,600lbs.
Add us, plus cargo...
- No, no.
- If we hit this at 50mph,
our trajectory
will clear 10 feet, easy.
No way. Absolutely not.
We'll go 60 just to be certain.
(Kyle) We're goin' back.
It's impossible.
You sure?
With physics I'm always sure.
I'm driving.
I don't think you guys heard me.
This is my car
and we're not gonna jump any rivers.
Kyle, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope
could jump this in a golf cart.
Look, I can spit across this gap.
(Hawks)
Yeah.
Well...
better make it 75.
- OK. Let's do it.
- Trust me, Kyle, it's science.
No, you guys. No.
EL, get out of my car.
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
(Revving)
We're PK.
You know we need to hit 60?
- I'm trying. This car sucks.
- Stop!
(All yelling)
(EL) Thank you! Yes!
What did I tell you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
(Sniffs)
My father is gonna kill me
when he finds out about this.
I only said we'd make it across.
I never said
the wheels would stay on.
What the hell are we gonna do now?!
I'm totally screwed!
I don't have time...
to be walking...through the woods!
Josh, we'll call a tow truck,
have the axles fixed.
We'll lose half a day at most.
It's just the wheels.
(Beth) The minute I think
I feel something for someone,
they just turn around
and screw me over.
Just something about Josh,
he's just different.
I feel like we had a connection.
I don't think
I'll ever be able to trust a guy.
You shouldn't! Honey, the last time
I trusted a man was back in 1985
and he took off
with my sister and my van.
It was a regular-size van.
Before that mini-van crap.
So there's no hope, huh?
Oh, there's hope.
But it comes with batteries.
(Buzzing)
You can keep that.
(Kyle) God. Crap.
(EL) Listen, guys,
we're gonna have to be more careful.
We almost died in that explosion.
- I wish I had died.
- I'm serious. I can't die young.
Something tells me the people
of Earth are gonna need me.
I must live.
Yeah, right. We all must live.
Before we do that,
we must get back on the road.
(Josh) We shouldn't be going
to sleep right now!
(Phone)
'Let's just lay
an indication here and there.'
(Phone)
(TV) 'And a whole bunch of colour...'
- (Sighs)
- (Ringing)
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, do you need to get that??
Do you need something?
Yeah.
This is sort of an unusual question.
But do you have any marijuana
I might buy?
Our car exploded last night
and I'm practically all out.
Am I a drug dealer??
No, I am not.
Thank you for asking, though.
No? OK, that's OK. Thanks.
Is there anything else
I can help with?
Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old
prostitute. We can do that.
Or maybe we can off someone
for you. Huh?
I've got it.
Why don't we start small??
Would you like a fresh towel??
You could roll that up and smoke it.
Dick.
By the way, Cheech,
that credit card
you guys gave me was maxed out,
so don't go spending all your cash
on needles and guns just yet.
Um, Mr Earl Edwards?
I'm sorry, sir.
This card's over its limit.
That's not true. Put it through
your little machine again.
I tried three times, sir. If you
have another card, I'd be happy to...
Don't give me any attitude.
You go fix
that little toy back there,
and charge this friggin' card.
We've been coming here for 20 years.
- We've only been open eight years.
- Do it now.
(EL) Relax, it's not a big deal.
(Rubin) You don't understand,
when Josh finds out he'll freak.
You can't rent a car without
a credit card. You just can't.
So, what are we gonna do?
Tell you what. Stay here.
Take him out
for breakfast or something.
I'll go take care of this.
Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.
Now, brace yourselves.
The police have found Kyle's car
abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university -
he's missing.
Mother of God.
- (Woman) Good morning.
- Hello.
Hi. How can I help you?
Yeah, hi. I was sent over here
to check out bus 111,
and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You seem to be having problems
with the...rotator splint.
Engines have rotator splints?
Yeah.
She runs good now, but not for long.
I can have it back to you
as good as new in a week.
Let's see.
Well, Jared's still in Aliquippa,
- I take it he called you from there?
- Yeah.
Five days.
Well, I think we can work that out.
Would you please not feed my dog?
I didn't.
You can't feed
Seeing Eye dogs treats.
I'd appreciate it
if you left him alone.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
French toast.
Bacon. Good for you.
- And scrambled eggs.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, but this has powdered
sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.
I can't have
too much sugar in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry,
you're absolutely right.
Tell you what, let me take this back
and bring you out a new piece.
Is everybody good? OK, great.
Do you know where my possessions are,
because I can't...
- Wait, no. They were in the car.
- That's...that's hilarious.
All right,
let me warm that up for you.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
(Farts)
Excuse me. And the French toast
will be out in just a minute.
- OK, thank you.
- OK, great.
French toast, no sugar.
- All right?? Sorry about that.
- No problem.
That's a nice guy.
It's good.
(Tyres squeal)
OK!
I don't wanna know
how you got this.
- I stole it from a blind chick.
- I don't wanna know.
What?? I'm gonna give it back.
Probably.
# Going to work, I hate it
# Shakin' that stick
that drives people crazy
# Doin' that stuff that you do
# Quit messin' me up with your voodoo
# You drive me crazy with that
# Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie-oogie
# You drive me crazy with that boogie
# Boogie, boogie
# Your lips are hot and spicy
# Servin' up cooked beans and rice
# I feel like
she's a hoppin' and stompin'
# Makin' love to the gators
in the swamp... #
Can we please stop soon?
I need to use the bathroom.
Actually, I don't have to go yet,
so we'll stop in a couple of hours.
OK.
I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.
Jeez, you have to stand up
for yourself. Be more assertive.
OK.
What's your deal??
Why are you so worried?
I don't know. I guess it's my dad.
He's, like...strict.
He really is gonna kill me
when he finds out about that car.
So you screwed up. Big deal.
People make mistakes.
He'll get over it.
Besides, that car sucked anyways.
I really do need
to go to the bathroom.
- (EL) We're makin' a pit stop.
- (Rubin) Again?!
(Squeaks)
You're about to experience
first-hand...
exactly what it means to be in
the lower region of the food chain.
Mitch is going to bite into you.
He's going to squeeze.
He'll actually start digesting you
while you're still alive.
But don't be scared.
No. No, no.
(Squeaking)
It'll be a quick death.
Be brave.
You'll barely feel it.
Come on.
Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him?
Josh, wait up a second.
This is supposed to be a road trip.
All we do is drive the whole time.
It's ridiculous.
- No one forced you to come.
- We're making great time.
And if Tiffany saw that tape,
it'd be a good thing.
What is that supposed to mean?
Beth is an angel. She's here
to help you change your life.
Besides, did Tiffany
ever let you videotape her??
I think not.
It's a sign, Josh.
- (Phone)
- Hello?
- 'Professor Anderson? '
- Who's calling?
Hi, Professor, it's Josh Parker.
Oh, uh...
(Deeper voice) Hello, Josh.
What can I do for you?
- Well, I was in a car accident.
- 'Oh. Oh, my God.'
I'm PK.
It's just I'm in kind of a bind.
All my notes and books
were destroyed.
Is it possible to get an extension?
'Maybe take the mid-term
a couple days later?? '
Oh, sure.
Yes, it sounds like an emergency.
How about an extra three days?
- 'Would that work? '
- Yeah, that would be fantastic!
- Are you sure?
- 'Just glad you're not hurt.'
I'm marking it down right now.
'That's great, Professor. Thank you.'
OK, goodbye.
Who was that??
Oh, that...that was Josh Parker.
Oh, yeah? What did he want??
He was just confirming
the date of the exam. Such a worrier.
(Siren wails)
It's gonna be OK. I'll find him.
And we'll find whoever did this,
I promise. It's gonna be OK.
If I had to guess, I'd say somebody
was raped and murdered here.
What the hell gives you that idea?
I don't know. It's just a feeling.
- Well??
- Nothing yet.
Good thing is,
there's no evidence of a struggle.
No blood or clothing or anything.
And we haven't found
a single drop of semen yet.
Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.
But she doesn't know I'm coming.
It's a surprise.
How nice. How can I help you?
I've never been here before.
I don't know where she lives.
What's her name? I can look it up.
Oh, OK. Tiffany Henderson.
Do I know you?
No, you don't.
Actually, I know your boyfriend.
OK. Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Could we just sit down for a minute?
OK.
Um, this is really hard for me,
but it's definitely
something you should hear.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you...
with me.
We were together Thursday night.
Twice.
And once again Friday morning.
I thought you should know.
(Yelling)
Sorry.
Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?
(Crowd gasps)
- Who's that guy?
- That's her boyfriend.
THAT's her boyfriend?
Yeah. He's been cheating on her.
(Boyfriend) Baby, I love you!
(Thuds and groans)
I- I'm sorry,
but you have the most beautiful feet.
Ohh... Would you like
a foot massage?
No, I would not like a foot massage.
(Louder voice) I would hate
a foot massage!
OK. I'm sorry. Relax.
Are there any guys out there
who are just normal??! Huh?!
- (Plucks string)
- Unleash the fury, Mitch.
- (Plucks string)
- Unleash the fury.
(Plucks string)
- Come on, Mitch.
- (Plucks string)
Eat him.
Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.
He's right there. Kill him.
Maim him. Bite him.
(Plucks string)
UNLEASH THE FURY!
Wow, this is cool.
I've never been in
a fraternity house before.
Is this gonna work?
Of course it's gonna work.
I know the handshake.
Hi.
- Hi. Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I'm Rubin Carver,
a Xi Chi brother from Ithaca.
We're just passing through
and looking for a place to party,
maybe even a place to crash.
(Alternately) Xi. Chi. Xi, Chi.
Xi, Xi, Xi.
Chi.
Hmph.
- (Chattering, dishes clattering)
- Wow!
(Silence)
Ahem. Uh, everyone, this is Rubin.
Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity
brother from our Ithaca chapter.
These are his friends.
Listen, uh, we've interrupted
your dinner so we'll just...
Hey, don't be crazy.
There's plenty of food to go around.
You guys are welcome to stay.
(Chattering)
You know, this food's pretty good.
Hey, you do realise
this is a national black fraternity?
They know you're not a member.
I'm sorry. I don't think
about that kind of stuff.
OK, relax. OK?
They're just messing with us.
They're pissed because he lied.
- I say we get out of here.
- Shh, relax.
Someone's got some explaining to do.
- Look what we found in his bag.
- What??! What is that??!
No, I've never seen that before!
What are you doin'?
Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
- Whoa, whoa. That is not ours.
- That's not mine!
OK, hold on, th-there's
obviously some explanation.
Yeah, there is. See, your boy's
an evil bigot and now he's gonna die.
Justice!
(Josh) Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle!
There you are. I thought we lost you.
- Am I in the hospital??
- You passed out.
They were messin' with us, Kyle.
It was a joke.
(All laughing)
Racist??
But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.
It was a joke, outtie. A joke!
- (Laughing continues)
- I get it.
Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.
Yeah. Oh, that's funny.
Whoa.
I need a wine cooler.
- Hey, have mine.
- Thanks.
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around,
that's right on time
# It's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky
# It's tricky to rock around
to rock around that's right on time
# It's tricky
trick-trick-trick-tricky
# I met this good girlie
her hair was kinda curly
# Went to her house and busted out
I had to leave her early
# These girls are really sleazy,
all they just say is "Please me"
# Spend some time and rock around
# I said it's not that easy
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around
that's right on time
# It's tricky, it's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky
# It's tricky to rock around... #
(Cheering)
# In New York the people talk
and try to make us cry
# They really hawk but we just walk
because we have no time
# And in the city it's a pity
# Cos we just can't hide
# Tinted windows don't mean nothing,
we know who's inside
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around
that's right on time
# It's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky... #
Isn't he just
the cutest little thing?
Oh, yeah, Kyle's the man!
# Tricky, tricky,
tricky, tricky, huh! #
You mean never?? Not even once?
Well... I mean, I've had sex before.
Just, um,
never with a person.
Right.
Well, I think that's kinda cool.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I mean, you should hold out.
It should be special.
Wait till you're in love.
I think I love you.
You are so cute.
# Inside each other
# You can see inside me
# Will you come inside me?
# Do you want to ride further up?
# If you can see inside me
# Will you come inside me?
# Do you want to ride... #
I take it you don't have a condom?
Uh... no.
Um, I guess I'm all out.
Well, Lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer??
Next to the Old Spice,
behind the belts.
Good guess.
You know what??
Um, I don't exactly know
what I'm doing and, um...
I'm... Oof.
Shhh. Relax, baby.
Let Rhonda handle this.
# Time's a-changing
# More so each year
# But the early mornin'
# Snow the pimp is here
# So let it rain
# And let the guitar rock... #
- Thanks for a great time.
- Take care.
Stay cool.
Hey, Devon.
What's up?
# Well, well, well, well, well
# And I'll be catching them pike
# Like on the 10 pound test, success
# Never 'fess, take a guess
# I'll be the early morning
snow pimp... #
Let's go, Kyle.
We want details. What happened?
Well, we had a few drinks,
danced a little, and, you know...
No, we don't know.
Why don't you tell us?
- (Laughing)
- What the hell is that??
Did you kill a cheetah?
What?? No. These are her underwear.
She gave 'em to me.
- (Sniffs)
- (All groan)
I boinked her!
Boinked?
Yeah, did you just say
the word "boinked? "
- (All laughing)
- Well, Kyle,
I hope you got the boinking
out of your system,
cos we got a lot of driving
to do today.
Do not get your hopes up
about visiting Graceland,
cos we're about the mission at hand.
- Josh.
- What??
That sounds like a good plan,
except for one little thing.
- What little thing?
- We're out of money.
OK, before you fill out these,
I have to ask some questions.
If you qualify, you can
make a sperm deposit. Understood?
Mm-hmm. Fire away.
Tell the truth, because if you don't
the test will and you won't get paid.
So, first off, have any of you
done any drugs in the past 36 hours?
And that includes marijuana.
(Groans)
(Nurse) PK, next.
Have any of you had sex
or masturbated in the past 24 hours?
Well, I guess I'm out.
Because I had sex last night...
with a girl! (Grunting)
That's nice.
You'll find everything you need
in these binders.
Would you each take a cup.
- PK.
- And yours.
I'd appreciate it if you'd
return those after you're finished.
OK. Uh, thanks.
Cheers.
Excuse me. Do you have anything
with Asian women?
I have this thing for Asian chicks,
and there's none here.
This isn't Peep World.
Our selection is limited.
- You're gonna have to make do.
- OK.
You've been more than helpful.
Is something wrong?
Well, no.
But... I just couldn't help
but notice that...
Is there something between us?
I mean, I was thinking
that maybe you might want to...
I don't know...
help me out with a little...
professional assistance?
Do you need some help?
Yes, I do.
(Woman on PA)
'Dr Morris, dial 1-1-8, please.
'Dr Morris, please dial 1-1-8.'
The moment I saw you out there,
I thought you were incredible.
You're not like most of the girls
I know. You're a woman.
That's fine. Turn around, drop your
pants, hands flat on the table.
(Chuckling) Oh, my God.
- This is great. Wow. Like this?
- Exactly.
(Sighs) I have to admit,
I love you in that uniform.
Do those nylons go all the way up,
or are they, like thigh high?
I'm gonna perform a procedure
called milking the prostate.
It's an anally-induced ejaculation.
Anal??
You're gonna feel strong pressure
from inside your rectum.
Come on, you don't have
to get all scientific, baby.
I mean, we can just talk...
(Grunts)
(Squeals)
(Grunting)
Stop! OK, keep doin' it. Yaaah!
(EL) Right there! Ahhh!
(Moans)
Oh, my God! Ohhh!
(Sighs)
OK. All done.
(Exhales)
That was awesome!
Wait. Wait. Does that work?
I mean,
is it even medically possible?
Oh, yeah, it works.
It works like a charm.
But back to our story.
'It was Sunday morning
back in Ithaca,
'when things suddenly took
an unexpected turn.'
(Barry) I'm a mouse.
I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me.
(Sighs) Come on.
You better eat him, Mitch,
before I do.
(Panting) He's tasty.
He's tasty, Mitch. Oh! Oh!
- (Mouse squeaks)
- (Moaning)
Mmm! Mmm!
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Why'd you lie to me?
(Gulps) I didn't lie.
You-you told me
that Josh went to Boston.
- I didn't. I said Austin.
- You said Boston.
Because of you,
some guy's life is ruined.
So what?? Besides, wherever he went,
he went because of you.
- What do you mean, because of me?
- Look, it's obvious.
Josh likes you. It's disgusting.
I knew you'd come back.
- What do you want??
- So, how was your getaway with Josh?
- I wasn't with Josh.
- Sure. Doesn't matter, though.
Cos Josh won't be back next semester.
He's about to flunk philosophy.
- What are you talking about??
- He thinks that he has an extension,
but thanks to
a...certain someone - me -
he doesn't.
(Jacob) He's an idiot.
(Beth) You psycho.
(Groans)
Oh, my God!
# I wanna rock
# Turn it down, you say
# All I gotta say to you
time and time again I say no!
# No, no, no!
# Tell me not to play
# All I gotta say to you
when you tell me not to play
# I say no, no, no, no
# So if you ask me why
I like the way I play
# There's only one thing
I can say to you
# I wanna rock! Rock!
# I wanna rock! Rock!
# I want to rock! Rock... #
(Barry) 'That night I set the guys up
at my grandparents' house.
'I haven't been there in a long time.
'When I was seven years old
I set their dog on fire
'and wasn't invited back.
'But I hear it's still real nice.'
I'm serious. "Please",
"Thank you", "This is delicious"
are the only words
you're allowed to say.
What?? I'm great with old people.
Grandmas love me.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. "Manilow"?
- Barry's last name is Manilow?
- Yeah.
- His name is Barry Manilow?
- Yeah.
- (All) Hi!
- Oh, my goodness!
Oh, look at you boys.
Jack, they're here!
# I see you, baby, shakin' that ass
# Shakin' that ass,
shakin' that ass... #
Jack, Barry's friends are here.
Come and say hi.
- (Dog groans)
- The boys are here.
- Oh, hey, fellas.
- Hi.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Wait. Let me get up.
- I'll give you guys the full tour.
- Oh, honey!
Careful. Your boner!
Well, what do you want me to do,
cut it off?
(Groans) I'll tell you what, fellas,
we'll start by showin'
you where you're gonna sleep.
(Chuckles) I'll show you
what we call the guest room.
Follow me, boys. The guest room...
Ohhh.
(TV) # Y'all know
what I'm talkin' about
# Don't be lookin' at me
like that now
# Come on... #
Excuse me.
You remember this kid?
No, sure don't.
(Mutters) Fuckin' airhead.
Let me ask you once more.
Have you seen my son?
Ow. Now that you mention it,
there were a few guys in.
If you loosen my arm,
I could get their bill.
Use your other arm.
- How many were there?
- A few.
- (Cracking)
- Aaah! Four!
One of 'em was trying to score drugs.
Honey, look. They made two calls to
Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.
(Door opens)
(Grandpa) Havin' a smoke?
Uh...yeah, yeah.
(Groans) I can't sleep, either.
Goddam Viagra
gets my heart racing like a lab rat.
(Chuckles) Are you OK?
- You look kinda goofy.
- No. No, it's nothing.
- Come on, out with it.
- (Sniffs) OK.
Well... I almost died two days ago.
- What??
- Our car exploded.
I could be dead right now.
And since that happened,
I find myself asking why.
You know? Like...
What is my reason for living?
Are you gonna
pass that doobie, or what??
Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
Uh, thanks.
You know what your problem is?
You're all brains.
Not enough cock and balls.
Actually, uh, people have been
telling me that my whole life.
In the sixth grade I got so worried
about the situation in Iraq,
that I was on
an adult dosage of Xanax.
And by eighth grade,
I was in therapy three times a week.
And the truth is, weed is the
only thing that could balance me out.
You know what I mean? Like...
You PK?
Hey, old man.
I got the fuckin' munchies real bad.
(Dog) How 'bout you?
OK, Tiffany,
it's time to stop being so sad.
Look at all this mail you got!
Look how many nice people
care about you.
You even got a package from Josh.
Really?
Shall we open it
and see what he says?
Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.
- (Laughs) It's a tape.
- Oh.
Well, pop it in.
Maybe I should watch this on my own.
Oh, come on.
This'll definitely cheer you up.
(Beth) 'What do you look for
in a girl?? '
'Well, let's see.
She should be smart...'
- (Giggling)
- 'and, um, funny.
'And, uh...
'That's good...that's good, too.'
(Beth) 'What else do you look for?? '
'Um... She should be, uh, attractive.
'And, um, topless.
- 'Uh-huh.'
- 'And she should kiss me.'
(Josh) Bye-bye.
(Grandpa) You boys be good now.
- Bye-bye.
- I'll tell Barry you said hello.
Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me
some blueberry pancakes. Now.
# Amour, amour
# I built a lovin' machine
# I bow all night long
# I built a lovin' machine
# I bow all night long
# I put the two dollar in
# Three on fought frowned
# Grab a hold of my drummer, baby
# Everybody watch out
# Yeah... #
Excuse me. Ahem.
back slash...
(Sighs) OK, look.
Some people are here
and they are being very rude.
OK. Call you back.
I'm sorry, but we need your help.
- Do you know Tiffany Henderson?
- Room 109.
Well, her grandfather died,
and she asked me
to pick up her mail.
Oh, how sad. Do you have the key?
Well, she didn't bring it to the
funeral so I was hoping you could...
Oh, I'm sorry,
but you need the key.
Don't worry. Her mail will be here,
safe and sound.
It's not like that, you see?
She needs something.
- This is an emergency.
- Don't make a big deal out of it.
Well, it's not a big deal, but
you need the key. Rules are rules.
No one's asking you to do anything
wrong. Just, you know, look away.
Go have an Eskimo pie.
You guys are gonna have to leave.
We're not leaving without that mail.
Listen to the man before you get
some Jackie Chan on your face.
- Come on, let's go.
- That means now, asshole.
Jesus!
I think he broke my nose. Oh, God!
Come on, Susie.
- You're a wrestler??
- You bet, Mary. You wanna go?
- Let me see it.
- Oh, God!
All right.
- Who's my bitch?
- What??!
(Groans)
(Receptionist) That's it. No, no, no!
OK, everyone, freeze!
This here is pepper spray,
and we will use it.
(Groaning)
These guys jumped me.
I was just sitting behind my desk!
Kyle?
- Dad?
- That's your dad?
Freeze now! Everybody freeze!
Put your weapon down now!
My son was kidnapped!
Whoa, whoa... Who was kidnapped?
I wasn't kidnapped.
These are my friends from school.
What are you talkin' about??
We all drove down here together.
What??
Then explain to me how
the frigging car got blown to hell!
- Well, see...
- It was stolen.
That's right. Tell him, Kyle.
Uh-huh. Exactly.
Stolen?
What about the damned credit card?
It was inside,
and that was stolen, too.
Bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why
didn't you tell us where you were?
Because I knew you'd get mad! See?
- I'm not mad! You're going with me.
- Josh?
- Tiffany!
- What the... What's going on?
- Nothing.
- Damn, dude, she is hot!
(Beeping)
My girlfriend's pagin' me.
Can we let them go?
- Good idea.
- No one is going anywhere!
- He's comin' with me.
- Get off of me!
I'm going back with these guys.
Shut your mouth and don't talk back.
Why don't YOU shut up?
What the hell did you just say to me?
I said, you shut up.
You've always told me
to stand up for myself.
Well, now I am.
Leave me alone, you jerk!
You ungrateful...
(Screaming and shouting)
- What...
- Go this way.
Go away! Go away!
- (Alarm ringing)
- (Coughing)
What was that all about?? I mean,
Josh, what are you doing here?
I just missed you. That's all.
I missed you, too, but it's crazy
for you to drive all the way here.
What??
I thought you'd be glad to see me.
I am. But Josh, you have your
entire life to live up at school.
This isn't healthy. Besides...
I realised a few things
this past week.
You did? Like what??
Like, we're in college.
The window of opportunity to go out
and have fun and meet new people
is getting smaller by the day.
- It is?
- Come on, Josh.
We've been together forever.
I mean...you're pretty much
the only guy I've ever been with.
What do you mean,
"pretty much the only guy"?
Well, I was 14, and you were away
at camp, but that was years ago.
Besides,
we're in different area codes.
I've been thinking a lot
about us, too.
(Phone)
The real reason I drove down...
Hold that thought.
Hello?
Yeah, he's right here.
Who is this?
Hold on.
It's for you. It's Beth.
Who's Beth?
Uh... (Sighs)
Beth? What are you doing?
I'm not sure what's going on between
us but I need to tell you something.
I'm actually glad you called,
cos I wanted to tell you something.
OK, you first.
I can't really talk right now,
but I'll explain everything
when I get back.
'OK? Really. I promise.'
Uh, I- I gotta get going, OK?
- Wait! Do you want to hear mine?
- Right. Sorry.
Is it good?
Not really. Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension
on your mid-term.
What??
'He tried to trick you. If you
don't get back you're gonna fail.'
Shit!
'She should be smart and funny.'
- 'Aren't you glad I called? '
- Yes. Thank you.
I'll call you as soon
as I get back, OK? Bye.
- Is this for me?
- Hmm?
Oh, God, no, no, no! You don't...
What the hell is this?
'I can see myself on TV,
I think it must be rewound.'
It's Barry.
'Hey, look...
'Look at that. I can see my bum.
(Laughs)'
Why would you send this to me?
So wait - you guys broke up,
then you hugged and then you left??
Yeah, pretty much.
Loser! Always have sex with the girl
one last time before you break up.
Everyone knows that!
It's not like that. I've known her
my whole life. She's my best friend.
So, what do we do now?
- Wanna smoke some drugs?
- I don't think so.
My mid-term starts in exactly
Although I'm gonna fail anyway,
so it doesn't matter but...
- Which class was it??
- Ancient Philosophy.
I can teach you ancient philosophy
in 46 hours.
You can?
I can teach a monkey in 46 hours.
You just got to find a way
to relate to the material.
Like, OK...
You like pro wrestling, don't you?
- Who doesn't??
- OK.
Socrates was like
the Vince McMahon of philosophy.
He started it all.
# Can you hear us
pumpin' on your stereo
# Can you hear us
pumpin' on your stereo
# Life is a cigarette
# You smoke to the end
# But if you rocket the middle bit
# Then you burn all your friends
# The wider your eyes,
the bigger the lies
# Yes, it's true... #
Oh, what was the 20-Man Battle Royal??
Participation explains predication.
Aristotle.
Right.
You know this! You'll be fine.
(Robot beeping)
Freeze, right there! Don't move!
Is this philosophy?
(Police sirens and radios)
If you hear anything, give me a call.
A bomb threat is serious.
Take my card.
- PK.
- (Sirens wailing)
(Police radios)
(Cop) OK, let's move it.
What's goin' on
with this bomb threat??
False alarm, people.
Everyone back inside.
We're gonna do this thing.
That's right.
- Josh.
- Beth!
Hey, um...thanks for calling.
Uh, it's been a really weird week.
So, how'd you do?
On the exam? Pretty good, actually.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Were you surprised?
You weren't back
in time for the exam,
so I, uh, called in a bomb threat.
You did that??
(Laughs) That's insane.
I wasn't gonna let Jacob
get you kicked out.
Besides, I might need you
around next semester.
So I did good, right??
Good?
That's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Mom?
(Panting) I'm so sorry.
Mom?
I got carried away
with the story there.
(Panting)
So, anyway,
Josh got a B+ on his mid-term.
He got to stay in college.
'And he and Beth are still together.
'They're still really into
making their...home movies.
'In fact, they have about 70 hours
of unedited amateur video.'
It's pretty wild.
I know, because I bought some of it.
That guy Jacob?
'He left school. He went on to become
the leader of some cult in Iowa.
'He tried organising a mass suicide.
'Only problem is,
he drank the Kool-Aid first
'and, well, everyone else
just kind of changed their minds.'
Too bad.
As for Rubin... Remember Rubin?
Remember how he claimed that
he was destined for great things?
(Rubin) The people of Earth need me.
Well, he was right.
Rubin used cross-pollination
to develop a strain of marijuana
that is not only remarkably potent...
but completely undetectable
by any drug tests.
Oh, my God.
'He was named
High Times' man of the year.'
As for EL, despite his
swinging philosophy on sexuality,
he got serious with some girl he met.
And you want me to use two fingers?
'I believe she was pre-med.'
Did I say two? Better make it three.
Then there's Kyle.
'Kyle and his father
reconciled their differences.'
Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.
'He brought his girlfriend home.'
Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.
Dad, this is Rhonda.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Come here.
That's the end of the tour.
I hope you strongly consider becoming
part of the Ithaca tradition,
as we lead future generations
of young people
forward into the new century.
Thanks a lot. You were great. Thanks.
- Thank you so much.
- No, it was fun.
I'll see you in the fall.
Thank you. Thank you.
- OK. Thank you.
- I'd like to say thank you.
I mean, uh, that was...
really great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Boy) Mom?
Thank you.
Thank you, Mommy.
I'm pumping your mommy.
(Grunting and moaning)
# Goddam right,
it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
# Goddam right,
it's a beautiful day, uh-huh #
# OK, what is it tonight??
# Please, please tell me
what the hell is wrong
# Do you wanna eat, do you
wanna sleep, do you wanna drown?
# Just settle down
settle down, settle down
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you watch
the shows you wanna see
# Just marry me,
marry me, marry me now
# Oh, hey
# I'm so sick of you tonight
# You never stay awake
when I get home
# Is something wrong with me,
something wrong with you?
# I really wish I knew,
wish I knew, wish I knew
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you watch
the shows you wanna see
# Just marry me,
marry me, marry me now
# Oh, hey
# You've become so distant
# Stop touching me!
# Are you in love with this guy?
# When I was young I learned her game
# When love and happiness
were the same
# Now I'm older and I don't play
# I found out the hardest way
# I got wasted, she got mad
# She called me names
and she called her dad
# He got crazy and violent, too
# One by one I'll torture you
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you hear
the songs you wanna sing
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# Anything
# Anything
# Anything
# I'll give you anything #
of Ithaca. This is it, right here.
I'm gonna give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know.
This is the main area
of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
This is sort of where you congregate.
Come in around me. Keep close.
I've had problems
with stragglers before, OK?
They get lost in the back
and hit by trucks, OK?
It's not pretty. This is the...
By the way, this is the Joseph
H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?
It was built, uh...
It was built, uh, in the 1600s.
(Sniggering)
That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.
That's the psychology department.
You're expected to volunteer for
cutting-edge experimental testing.
Kind of cool.
When it's your turn, remember
to wear loose clothes, no metal,
and be prepared to receive several
heavy doses of electric current.
They're watching us right now.
Over there
is the department of English.
Most of you speak English already
so we can skip that.
- How long have you been here?
- Eight years.
(All laughing)
You don't seem to know anything.
This is the worst tour ever.
It's the worst school ever.
Doesn't anything cool happen?
Yeah, cool stuff happens.
This university
is the coolest place in the world.
That's because
he's never been anywhere else.
(All laughing)
Go ahead, laugh all you want.
But the fact is, this is the setting
for the greatest story ever told.
OK?
It's about this guy I knew,
Josh Parker,
and his girlfriend, Tiffany.
It's one of the most
fascinating journeys ever.
'Josh and Tiffany
were always together,
'starting from when they were little.
'They did everything as a team.
'When Tiffany was 10,
she had her tonsils taken out.
'Josh stayed in the hospital
for three days.
'They were best friends.
'What started out as friendship...
'blossomed into some serious French
kissing and lots of heavy petting.
'They spent so much time together
that even their dogs started dating.
'They seemed destined
to be together forever.
'But after high school, they faced
the most challenging challenge ever -
'a long-distance relationship.
'See, while Josh was enrolled here at
the wonderful University of Ithaca,
'Tiffany went off to
veterinary school in Austin, Texas.
'But they made a pact,
a promise to stay true to each other,
'to talk every day and maintain
an exclusive relationship.'
That turned out to be more difficult
than either of them ever imagined.
Tiffany! Hey, baby.
Oh, my God.
You were amazing last night.
- I never ever came like that before.
- Come on!
Seriously! I had to take
two birth control pills today.
You wanna help me study
again tonight??
Forget tonight. Come over now.
Let's blow this class off.
(Gasps)
(Ringing)
'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the
phone but please leave a message.'
- (Beep)
- Hey, Tif, it's me...again.
Just wonderin' where you are.
Still trying to get hold of you.
Everything's cool, though.
I'll catch you later.
Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.
I just wanted to add something
before I sent this video.
I haven't talked to you
in a few days and...
I'm thinking you don't like me...
I'm kidding.
Hey, guys.
But I am getting a little worried so
gimme a call when you get a chance.
Barry says hi.
So gimme a call
as soon as you can. I miss you.
- Call me, OK? Bye.
- (Laughing)
- What's up, guys?
- Not much. You?
I was just finishing my tape to Tif.
(Barry) Mitch, what are you doing?
Are you hungry? Huh?
- You gonna feed him?
- No, I'm checking the temperature.
Mitch needs an evenly distributed
Can I drop a mouse in?
Mitch only eats once a week,
on Saturdays.
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,
and we could feed him half now
and the other half on Saturday.
I don't think so.
I thought you had class now?
What time is it?? Oh, shit!
Do me a favour -
when this is rewound, mail it for me?
- No problem. Leave it there.
- Thanks, man.
- See you guys later.
- Bye.
Can we please feed him now?
No. If you overfeed him he could die.
So? It'll be worth it.
- Josh, hey.
- Beth, hey.
- What's goin' on?
- Not much.
- Where have you been?
- Nowhere.
Studying. I'm starting
to question this college thing.
There's so much reading.
- Right. (Chuckles)
- Yeah.
- You going to EL's tonight??
- Yeah.
(Josh) I gotta run,
class has started.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah. Sorry.
So, you have a thing
for that guy now, is that it??
- It's not your business, Jacob.
- I can tell.
- I'm not having this conversation.
- What conversation?
You need to stop this.
We're not a couple.
We've never been a couple,
and never will.
(Professor) This week
I'd like you to think about
Plato's Dialogues
of the middle years.
"The Republic", "Phaedo",
"Symposium".
Now, this will all be
on next week's mid-term,
so I suggest you read up on it.
Ah, Jacob,
do you have anything to add?
Just a reminder.
The mid-term will cover
all of the in-class lectures
as well as
all of the assigned readings.
It will be entirely essay form,
so bring legal pads.
I prefer yellow.
It's easier on the eyes.
OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.
And...see you all next week
for the mid-term.
- Josh.
- Yes?
I saw you hitting on Beth.
NOT a good idea.
- She's spoken for.
- What??
She'll come back to me.
They always do.
So... Mr Parker.
Do you intend
to be ready for this exam?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, you better be ready.
Because I was
looking over the books last night
and you need a B on this test
just to pass this class.
Actually,
I double-checked that, Professor.
He needs a B+.
We can't bend on this.
I got it.
- Just copy off someone.
- I can't. It's all essays.
If I fail this class,
my average is shot.
I might lose my financial aid
or not be allowed back.
Well, you're fucked, then.
So come to my party, hook up
with Beth, and enjoy your last week.
I'm not hooking up with anyone.
I'm invested in this relationship.
Invested? Who are you, Charles
Schwab? Listen to yourself!
I would give my life...
for one evening
of consensual sex with that girl.
I've gone this long without cheating.
You're already cheating!
Any time you pass up sex
you cheat yourself.
The window of opportunity
to drink and do drugs
and take advantage
of young girls is shrinking daily.
I gotta make a call.
I'm telling you, you pass this up,
it'll haunt you forever.
Your dick will never forgive you.
What do you think, man? Don't you
want to experience something new?
(Squeaky voice)
It ain't easy being Josh's penis.
We've been here two months,
and I feel like I'm in a coma.
- Stop it.
- I wish I was your dick, EL.
If something doesn't happen soon,
I'm gonna leave.
- Enough.
- (Girl) 'Hello? '
Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother
you, is Tiffany around?
Tiffany is not here.
She didn't sleep here
last night...again.
And it would be great
if for one hour you didn't call.
- Right.
- If she wanted to talk to you
she'd call you.
Deal with it.
- You bitch!
- Does she sound hot??
We've never gone this long
without talking. Something's wrong.
She found someone else,
like you should.
The clock is ticking. Before you know
it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.
# She good-looking
got a mojo cooking
# Yeah, wouldn't give me
the time of day
# But if my occupation
was stars and constellations
# We could get together
in the Milky Way
# And everybody wanna know somebody
# Everyone wants to drop your name
# You need no reservation
no special invitation
# No college education
if you've got fortune and fame... #
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I should really warn you,
it's been known to affect
your decision-making abilities
and lower your inhibitions.
Good. That's the plan.
No, that-that's...
Yes, that is the plan.
- You bring cash?
- Why?
- We've got chicks for sale.
- What??
# Hey, now I'm snappy
got my mojo... #
Trust me. I've been goin'
to this school seven years
and I know the key
to a well-rounded college education
is experimentation.
Let me show you.
This is an auction. Remember...
you are not buying the girl,
only her company, and sale does not
constitute sexual relations.
(Groaning)
(EL) I know. Believe me, I've tried.
Without further ado,
let's introduce our first...person.
- Laura!
- (Applause)
Laura's from Long Island.
She likes the outdoors
and loves seafood.
- OK, let's start the bidding at $5!
- $3.50!
Good God, moneybags,
she's not a Happy Meal.
(Laughter)
- $5.
- OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?
- 10 bucks.
- (Auctioneer calling)
Who's got 15 bucks
for a lovely evening with Laura?!
OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15?
Going once, going twice...
Sold...to the captain.
(Applause)
There you are.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Not much.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, Jacob's here,
and he's a total psycho...
Can you go outbid him?
You know what,
I didn't bring that much money.
You don't understand. He's obsessed.
See? That's fun, right??
OK, PK. Now, I want you two
to kiss each other.
All right, has anyone seen Beth?
There she is!
- (Cheering)
- Say hi to the crowd, Beth.
Hi.
Can I hear a $5 opening bid?
- $5 right here!
- Who can beat five?
- Seven.
- $10.
- $10! Going once. Going twice.
- $15!
- 20.
- 25!
- Going twice.
- 26.
- 26, going once.
- 30!
- OK, can anyone beat $26?
- I just said 30!
There must be someone
who can beat $26?
- Me, right here! 30!
- Sold! To my man Josh for $26.
(Applause)
You heard me.
I bid $30 loud and clear.
Your bid didn't count.
- Why?
- Because you're a TA.
- So?
- This auction is for students.
Goodbye.
# On and on until the early morning
# They're rockin' on and on
until the early morning... #
(Beth giggles)
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
- You owe me more than one.
- Do I?
Technically.
Well...
are you ready to collect?
I think so. Yeah.
We're touching.
It's a lot of fun. (Chuckles)
- We're having a good time.
- (Chuckles)
(Romantic music)
Who's Tiffany Henderson?
Just some girl I used to date
since I was, like, five.
But that's over now. She blew me off.
Oh, poor baby.
You must be very hurt.
Do you need some special attention?
Well, I am pretty upset.
Did that help?
That helped a lot.
I have an idea.
What do you say?
Uh, I don't think so.
Come on! It'll be fun.
- I've always wanted to try this.
- No...
Yes.
I'm gonna interview you.
Fine.
OK.
- OK, Josh.
- Yes.
What do you look for in a girl??
Um, well, let's see.
She should be smart and funny and...
That's good, too.
Do you feel better yet??
I feel a little bit better.
Yeah. A little...
What else do you look for??
She should be attractive and...
nice and...
Topless. And topless.
And she should kiss me.
What else?
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that??
# Tiny salmon swimming in a stream
# Tiny salmon
chasing that impossible dream
# The mynah bird says
(Caws)
(Caws)
# The chimpanzee says
(Screeches)
# The friendly owl says
(Hoots)
# But the salmon can only say
(Blubbers)
# And it's sad #
(Hums cheerfully)
# Good morning, everyone.
# Good morning, everyone.
# How are you and you and you #
What are you so happy about??
I don't know.
Do I seem happy this morning?
Well, you're bouncing around here.
You do seem
unusually light-hearted.
Maybe it's because I had
the best time of my life last night.
Twice! And once this morning.
You and Beth?
- Oh, yeah.
- Shut up. What happened?
No way! You're lying.
I'm not lying.
You can't make out with someone
then pretend you had sex.
- That's really uncool.
- I'm not pretending.
Forget it. I know you're lying.
I guarantee it.
You wanna bet??
Great. I'm gonna bet
on something you can't prove.
You videotaped it!
No, no, no, I didn't!
Gimme that! Gimme that!
- No way! This is amazing!
- I was kidding, I was kidding!
- Gimme the tape.
- Huh? Come on.
- We're gonna see it sooner or later.
- He's got a point.
Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
- EL, no.
- Josh, please? We need this.
OK, listen, seriously.
You can't tell anyone you saw this.
Oh, yeah.
OK. PK!
Barry, hit the lights.
It's boner time!
'Hey, Tif. It's me
coming to you live from Ithaca.'
I thought I asked you
to mail this yesterday?
Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.
Fast-forward to the horny stuff.
Is this the shit
you've been sending Tiffany?
Oh, my God.
# It's you... #
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.
Oh, God!
W-wait a second.
Tell me you mailed
the Beth tape to Tiffany.
Yes!
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
Did you make a copy?
If you made a copy,
we could watch the copy.
(Rings)
Don't answer it!
(Answer machine) 'Hey, it's
Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'
'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.
'Sorry we haven't spoken.
'Listen, my grandfather passed away.
'I've tried calling you
a few times, but no one picked up.
'I didn't want to leave
this message on your machine
'but by now you're probably
a little worried so...
'Anyway, I'm at my parents'
house helping my mom.
'She's really a wreck.
'If I don't speak with you,
I'll call Monday.
'I'll be OK. I just need some time.
'Bye. I love you.'
(Dialling tone)
That's not fair.
How come she gets to see the tape
and we don't??
She gets back there Monday.
That leaves three days to get there.
Get where? Austin?
- That's like 10,000 miles from here.
- 1,800.
You wanna drive 1,800 miles
in three days? Just fly.
Do you have money for a ticket??
I don't.
- All right, so we're driving.
- You're coming?
What else am I gonna do,
stay here and learn?
Road trip.
(Behind door) Just a minute. Hold on.
He's probably jackin' off.
What do you guys want??
Kyle, this is an emergency.
Wait. Let me at least
go back and call my dad.
Call your dad?
Would you listen to yourself?
You're 19 years old,
and you're a fucking sissy.
All you ever do is sit
in a library and play Myst.
It's pathetic.
He's trying to say that
this is your chance to do something.
Be a risk-taker. Come with us.
You're just saying that
because you want my car.
No! No, we've always liked you.
Or just give us the car.
That would make him a risk-taker.
Shut up, all right??
He's coming with us.
Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun!
Aren't you even curious
where we're going?
No.
OK, we're going to the University
of Austin. Sure you won't come?
I don't like Massachusetts.
Austin's in Texas.
You're thinking of Boston.
You've never left this town,
have you?
No, not really.
That could turn
into a debilitating phobia.
OK.
- Can I feed Mitch?
- Yes, actually you can.
There's a brown box of mice
by his cage.
Give him one tomorrow. Just one.
- I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow.
- OK.
You can count on me.
OK? I'm reliable. OK?
You guys do good.
Have a good trip, safe trip.
Buckle up your seat belt.
I'm gonna feed the snake!
I'll feed the snake,
I'll watch the snake.
(Barry) 'So off they went.'
They had 1,800 miles to go,
and only three days to do it.
It was a killer journey and one
that changed them all forever.
The end.
- So we're gonna go look over here.
- Whoa. That's it?? This story sucks.
- What happened with the tape?
- Right. The tape.
Well, um...
Well... Like I said,
they were on a race against time.
# The smoke stack spitting black soot
into the sooty sky
# The load on the road brings a tear
to the Indian's eye... #
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
- can you at least describe it??
- No.
# The elephant won't forget
what it's like inside his cage
# The ringmaster's Telecaster
sings on an empty stage... #
Admit that Beth is amazing.
I admit it, she's amazing.
She's perfect.
I don't know why you feel so guilty.
Technically you haven't cheated.
What are you talking about??
There are these rules that guys have,
an understanding
as to what constitutes cheating.
Take your situation, for example.
It's not cheating.
Not when you're in a different
area code - not to mention state!
That makes no sense.
Don't look at me, Kyle.
I don't make the rules.
This is legit. I've read an article.
There's a whole bunch of them,
like loopholes.
Say you were sleeping with
two girls at the same time,
it's not cheating
because they cancel each other out.
- Ahh.
- Exactly!
Or if you're too wasted
to remember...
It is not cheating.
Because if you
can't really remember it,
it never really took place.
# Uh-huh
# Whoo-oo... #
OK, I've got one. Ready?
It's OK if you spread peanut butter
on your testicles
and let your dog lick it off.
- Because it's your dog!
- Jesus Christ!
- You know, because it's your dog!
- We got it.
# Whoo-oo, uh-huh
# Goddam right, it's a beautiful day
# Uh-huh, goddam right #
Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.
That's right.
One of you is marked for death.
And first thing tomorrow morning,
a chosen one
will experience nature's wrath
in all its fury.
(Hums gloomy religious chant)
Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Are you here for the feeding?
Excuse me?
You're early. It's not till tomorrow.
You should come back.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
I think I'll pass.
Have you seen Josh?
He went to visit his girlfriend.
Tiffany?
I thought they broke up.
I mean this girl who's a friend
of his. You know what I mean.
Where did he go?
Austin?
Austin, Massachusetts?
You mean Boston, Massachusetts?
Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.
The University of Boston
in Massachusetts.
He is such an asshole.
I can't believe
he just lied to my face like that.
I actually thought he liked me.
How could he do that??
- She was topless?
- Girls don't stand around naked.
Yeah, they do. OK? This is my story.
You wanna hear it or not??
- It just doesn't make any...
- Shh. Please, no interruptions, OK?
So this other girl walks up,
totally hot. Naked! Really naked!
I know guys can be jerks.
I guess I just thought
Josh was different. I liked him.
Sweetie, listen to me.
They're all the same.
All men are perverted pigs.
All they care about...
really, all they THINK about is sex.
- You're so right. I feel so used.
- Face it, we're all used.
In most men's eyes, we're just flesh.
- It's so sick!
- It IS sick. Think about it.
If they had it their way...
God, I don't even want to know
what would happen
if they had it their way!
(Beth) What am I supposed to do
now that he's gone?
- Go to Boston and bust his ass.
- Right.
Confront him
and his little girlfriend.
Face to face. You totally should!
Show her what an asshole Josh is,
right??
Hmm...
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy
# I'm freakin' you, baby... #
Ooh! These, too.
# I'm freakin' you, baby
# Drivin' you crazy... #
Kyle, come here for a second.
We're a little
short on cash right now,
so we need to put this
on your credit card.
We'll give you the cash
when we get back, I promise.
I can't. It's my dad's.
It's for emergencies only.
Hello! This IS an emergency.
We need this stuff.
You want us to sleep in the dirt??
# I'm freakin' you, baby
drivin' you crazy
# When I get to your place
# I wanna turn up the highs
and turn up the bass... #
(Josh) We're in no-man's-land.
We've been on this road
for over an hour.
This is gonna save us five hours,
minimum. Thank me later.
We should go back to the interstate.
- We're not goin' back.
- Yeah, have some faith.
It's a challenge.
That's why it's a short cut.
If it was easy,
it would just be the way.
(Josh) Damn it! Fuck!
I give us 20 minutes
before our first ass-raping.
If we turn around we'll lose
five hours backtracking.
Turn around? Why? Because of this?
We could make it.
Make it?? You mean jump it??
No. Absolutely not.
No way. We're going back.
It can be done. This incline
is 30 degrees roughly, right??
The factory weight
of the car is 1,600lbs.
Add us, plus cargo...
- No, no.
- If we hit this at 50mph,
our trajectory
will clear 10 feet, easy.
No way. Absolutely not.
We'll go 60 just to be certain.
(Kyle) We're goin' back.
It's impossible.
You sure?
With physics I'm always sure.
I'm driving.
I don't think you guys heard me.
This is my car
and we're not gonna jump any rivers.
Kyle, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope
could jump this in a golf cart.
Look, I can spit across this gap.
(Hawks)
Yeah.
Well...
better make it 75.
- OK. Let's do it.
- Trust me, Kyle, it's science.
No, you guys. No.
EL, get out of my car.
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
(Revving)
We're PK.
You know we need to hit 60?
- I'm trying. This car sucks.
- Stop!
(All yelling)
(EL) Thank you! Yes!
What did I tell you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
(Sniffs)
My father is gonna kill me
when he finds out about this.
I only said we'd make it across.
I never said
the wheels would stay on.
What the hell are we gonna do now?!
I'm totally screwed!
I don't have time...
to be walking...through the woods!
Josh, we'll call a tow truck,
have the axles fixed.
We'll lose half a day at most.
It's just the wheels.
(Beth) The minute I think
I feel something for someone,
they just turn around
and screw me over.
Just something about Josh,
he's just different.
I feel like we had a connection.
I don't think
I'll ever be able to trust a guy.
You shouldn't! Honey, the last time
I trusted a man was back in 1985
and he took off
with my sister and my van.
It was a regular-size van.
Before that mini-van crap.
So there's no hope, huh?
Oh, there's hope.
But it comes with batteries.
(Buzzing)
You can keep that.
(Kyle) God. Crap.
(EL) Listen, guys,
we're gonna have to be more careful.
We almost died in that explosion.
- I wish I had died.
- I'm serious. I can't die young.
Something tells me the people
of Earth are gonna need me.
I must live.
Yeah, right. We all must live.
Before we do that,
we must get back on the road.
(Josh) We shouldn't be going
to sleep right now!
(Phone)
'Let's just lay
an indication here and there.'
(Phone)
(TV) 'And a whole bunch of colour...'
- (Sighs)
- (Ringing)
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, do you need to get that??
Do you need something?
Yeah.
This is sort of an unusual question.
But do you have any marijuana
I might buy?
Our car exploded last night
and I'm practically all out.
Am I a drug dealer??
No, I am not.
Thank you for asking, though.
No? OK, that's OK. Thanks.
Is there anything else
I can help with?
Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old
prostitute. We can do that.
Or maybe we can off someone
for you. Huh?
I've got it.
Why don't we start small??
Would you like a fresh towel??
You could roll that up and smoke it.
Dick.
By the way, Cheech,
that credit card
you guys gave me was maxed out,
so don't go spending all your cash
on needles and guns just yet.
Um, Mr Earl Edwards?
I'm sorry, sir.
This card's over its limit.
That's not true. Put it through
your little machine again.
I tried three times, sir. If you
have another card, I'd be happy to...
Don't give me any attitude.
You go fix
that little toy back there,
and charge this friggin' card.
We've been coming here for 20 years.
- We've only been open eight years.
- Do it now.
(EL) Relax, it's not a big deal.
(Rubin) You don't understand,
when Josh finds out he'll freak.
You can't rent a car without
a credit card. You just can't.
So, what are we gonna do?
Tell you what. Stay here.
Take him out
for breakfast or something.
I'll go take care of this.
Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.
Now, brace yourselves.
The police have found Kyle's car
abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university -
he's missing.
Mother of God.
- (Woman) Good morning.
- Hello.
Hi. How can I help you?
Yeah, hi. I was sent over here
to check out bus 111,
and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You seem to be having problems
with the...rotator splint.
Engines have rotator splints?
Yeah.
She runs good now, but not for long.
I can have it back to you
as good as new in a week.
Let's see.
Well, Jared's still in Aliquippa,
- I take it he called you from there?
- Yeah.
Five days.
Well, I think we can work that out.
Would you please not feed my dog?
I didn't.
You can't feed
Seeing Eye dogs treats.
I'd appreciate it
if you left him alone.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
French toast.
Bacon. Good for you.
- And scrambled eggs.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, but this has powdered
sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.
I can't have
too much sugar in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry,
you're absolutely right.
Tell you what, let me take this back
and bring you out a new piece.
Is everybody good? OK, great.
Do you know where my possessions are,
because I can't...
- Wait, no. They were in the car.
- That's...that's hilarious.
All right,
let me warm that up for you.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
(Farts)
Excuse me. And the French toast
will be out in just a minute.
- OK, thank you.
- OK, great.
French toast, no sugar.
- All right?? Sorry about that.
- No problem.
That's a nice guy.
It's good.
(Tyres squeal)
OK!
I don't wanna know
how you got this.
- I stole it from a blind chick.
- I don't wanna know.
What?? I'm gonna give it back.
Probably.
# Going to work, I hate it
# Shakin' that stick
that drives people crazy
# Doin' that stuff that you do
# Quit messin' me up with your voodoo
# You drive me crazy with that
# Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie-oogie
# You drive me crazy with that boogie
# Boogie, boogie
# Your lips are hot and spicy
# Servin' up cooked beans and rice
# I feel like
she's a hoppin' and stompin'
# Makin' love to the gators
in the swamp... #
Can we please stop soon?
I need to use the bathroom.
Actually, I don't have to go yet,
so we'll stop in a couple of hours.
OK.
I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.
Jeez, you have to stand up
for yourself. Be more assertive.
OK.
What's your deal??
Why are you so worried?
I don't know. I guess it's my dad.
He's, like...strict.
He really is gonna kill me
when he finds out about that car.
So you screwed up. Big deal.
People make mistakes.
He'll get over it.
Besides, that car sucked anyways.
I really do need
to go to the bathroom.
- (EL) We're makin' a pit stop.
- (Rubin) Again?!
(Squeaks)
You're about to experience
first-hand...
exactly what it means to be in
the lower region of the food chain.
Mitch is going to bite into you.
He's going to squeeze.
He'll actually start digesting you
while you're still alive.
But don't be scared.
No. No, no.
(Squeaking)
It'll be a quick death.
Be brave.
You'll barely feel it.
Come on.
Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him?
Josh, wait up a second.
This is supposed to be a road trip.
All we do is drive the whole time.
It's ridiculous.
- No one forced you to come.
- We're making great time.
And if Tiffany saw that tape,
it'd be a good thing.
What is that supposed to mean?
Beth is an angel. She's here
to help you change your life.
Besides, did Tiffany
ever let you videotape her??
I think not.
It's a sign, Josh.
- (Phone)
- Hello?
- 'Professor Anderson? '
- Who's calling?
Hi, Professor, it's Josh Parker.
Oh, uh...
(Deeper voice) Hello, Josh.
What can I do for you?
- Well, I was in a car accident.
- 'Oh. Oh, my God.'
I'm PK.
It's just I'm in kind of a bind.
All my notes and books
were destroyed.
Is it possible to get an extension?
'Maybe take the mid-term
a couple days later?? '
Oh, sure.
Yes, it sounds like an emergency.
How about an extra three days?
- 'Would that work? '
- Yeah, that would be fantastic!
- Are you sure?
- 'Just glad you're not hurt.'
I'm marking it down right now.
'That's great, Professor. Thank you.'
OK, goodbye.
Who was that??
Oh, that...that was Josh Parker.
Oh, yeah? What did he want??
He was just confirming
the date of the exam. Such a worrier.
(Siren wails)
It's gonna be OK. I'll find him.
And we'll find whoever did this,
I promise. It's gonna be OK.
If I had to guess, I'd say somebody
was raped and murdered here.
What the hell gives you that idea?
I don't know. It's just a feeling.
- Well??
- Nothing yet.
Good thing is,
there's no evidence of a struggle.
No blood or clothing or anything.
And we haven't found
a single drop of semen yet.
Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.
But she doesn't know I'm coming.
It's a surprise.
How nice. How can I help you?
I've never been here before.
I don't know where she lives.
What's her name? I can look it up.
Oh, OK. Tiffany Henderson.
Do I know you?
No, you don't.
Actually, I know your boyfriend.
OK. Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Could we just sit down for a minute?
OK.
Um, this is really hard for me,
but it's definitely
something you should hear.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you...
with me.
We were together Thursday night.
Twice.
And once again Friday morning.
I thought you should know.
(Yelling)
Sorry.
Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?
(Crowd gasps)
- Who's that guy?
- That's her boyfriend.
THAT's her boyfriend?
Yeah. He's been cheating on her.
(Boyfriend) Baby, I love you!
(Thuds and groans)
I- I'm sorry,
but you have the most beautiful feet.
Ohh... Would you like
a foot massage?
No, I would not like a foot massage.
(Louder voice) I would hate
a foot massage!
OK. I'm sorry. Relax.
Are there any guys out there
who are just normal??! Huh?!
- (Plucks string)
- Unleash the fury, Mitch.
- (Plucks string)
- Unleash the fury.
(Plucks string)
- Come on, Mitch.
- (Plucks string)
Eat him.
Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.
He's right there. Kill him.
Maim him. Bite him.
(Plucks string)
UNLEASH THE FURY!
Wow, this is cool.
I've never been in
a fraternity house before.
Is this gonna work?
Of course it's gonna work.
I know the handshake.
Hi.
- Hi. Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I'm Rubin Carver,
a Xi Chi brother from Ithaca.
We're just passing through
and looking for a place to party,
maybe even a place to crash.
(Alternately) Xi. Chi. Xi, Chi.
Xi, Xi, Xi.
Chi.
Hmph.
- (Chattering, dishes clattering)
- Wow!
(Silence)
Ahem. Uh, everyone, this is Rubin.
Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity
brother from our Ithaca chapter.
These are his friends.
Listen, uh, we've interrupted
your dinner so we'll just...
Hey, don't be crazy.
There's plenty of food to go around.
You guys are welcome to stay.
(Chattering)
You know, this food's pretty good.
Hey, you do realise
this is a national black fraternity?
They know you're not a member.
I'm sorry. I don't think
about that kind of stuff.
OK, relax. OK?
They're just messing with us.
They're pissed because he lied.
- I say we get out of here.
- Shh, relax.
Someone's got some explaining to do.
- Look what we found in his bag.
- What??! What is that??!
No, I've never seen that before!
What are you doin'?
Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
- Whoa, whoa. That is not ours.
- That's not mine!
OK, hold on, th-there's
obviously some explanation.
Yeah, there is. See, your boy's
an evil bigot and now he's gonna die.
Justice!
(Josh) Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle!
There you are. I thought we lost you.
- Am I in the hospital??
- You passed out.
They were messin' with us, Kyle.
It was a joke.
(All laughing)
Racist??
But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.
It was a joke, outtie. A joke!
- (Laughing continues)
- I get it.
Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.
Yeah. Oh, that's funny.
Whoa.
I need a wine cooler.
- Hey, have mine.
- Thanks.
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around,
that's right on time
# It's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky
# It's tricky to rock around
to rock around that's right on time
# It's tricky
trick-trick-trick-tricky
# I met this good girlie
her hair was kinda curly
# Went to her house and busted out
I had to leave her early
# These girls are really sleazy,
all they just say is "Please me"
# Spend some time and rock around
# I said it's not that easy
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around
that's right on time
# It's tricky, it's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky
# It's tricky to rock around... #
(Cheering)
# In New York the people talk
and try to make us cry
# They really hawk but we just walk
because we have no time
# And in the city it's a pity
# Cos we just can't hide
# Tinted windows don't mean nothing,
we know who's inside
# It's tricky to rock around
# To rock around
that's right on time
# It's tricky
tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky... #
Isn't he just
the cutest little thing?
Oh, yeah, Kyle's the man!
# Tricky, tricky,
tricky, tricky, huh! #
You mean never?? Not even once?
Well... I mean, I've had sex before.
Just, um,
never with a person.
Right.
Well, I think that's kinda cool.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I mean, you should hold out.
It should be special.
Wait till you're in love.
I think I love you.
You are so cute.
# Inside each other
# You can see inside me
# Will you come inside me?
# Do you want to ride further up?
# If you can see inside me
# Will you come inside me?
# Do you want to ride... #
I take it you don't have a condom?
Uh... no.
Um, I guess I'm all out.
Well, Lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer??
Next to the Old Spice,
behind the belts.
Good guess.
You know what??
Um, I don't exactly know
what I'm doing and, um...
I'm... Oof.
Shhh. Relax, baby.
Let Rhonda handle this.
# Time's a-changing
# More so each year
# But the early mornin'
# Snow the pimp is here
# So let it rain
# And let the guitar rock... #
- Thanks for a great time.
- Take care.
Stay cool.
Hey, Devon.
What's up?
# Well, well, well, well, well
# And I'll be catching them pike
# Like on the 10 pound test, success
# Never 'fess, take a guess
# I'll be the early morning
snow pimp... #
Let's go, Kyle.
We want details. What happened?
Well, we had a few drinks,
danced a little, and, you know...
No, we don't know.
Why don't you tell us?
- (Laughing)
- What the hell is that??
Did you kill a cheetah?
What?? No. These are her underwear.
She gave 'em to me.
- (Sniffs)
- (All groan)
I boinked her!
Boinked?
Yeah, did you just say
the word "boinked? "
- (All laughing)
- Well, Kyle,
I hope you got the boinking
out of your system,
cos we got a lot of driving
to do today.
Do not get your hopes up
about visiting Graceland,
cos we're about the mission at hand.
- Josh.
- What??
That sounds like a good plan,
except for one little thing.
- What little thing?
- We're out of money.
OK, before you fill out these,
I have to ask some questions.
If you qualify, you can
make a sperm deposit. Understood?
Mm-hmm. Fire away.
Tell the truth, because if you don't
the test will and you won't get paid.
So, first off, have any of you
done any drugs in the past 36 hours?
And that includes marijuana.
(Groans)
(Nurse) PK, next.
Have any of you had sex
or masturbated in the past 24 hours?
Well, I guess I'm out.
Because I had sex last night...
with a girl! (Grunting)
That's nice.
You'll find everything you need
in these binders.
Would you each take a cup.
- PK.
- And yours.
I'd appreciate it if you'd
return those after you're finished.
OK. Uh, thanks.
Cheers.
Excuse me. Do you have anything
with Asian women?
I have this thing for Asian chicks,
and there's none here.
This isn't Peep World.
Our selection is limited.
- You're gonna have to make do.
- OK.
You've been more than helpful.
Is something wrong?
Well, no.
But... I just couldn't help
but notice that...
Is there something between us?
I mean, I was thinking
that maybe you might want to...
I don't know...
help me out with a little...
professional assistance?
Do you need some help?
Yes, I do.
(Woman on PA)
'Dr Morris, dial 1-1-8, please.
'Dr Morris, please dial 1-1-8.'
The moment I saw you out there,
I thought you were incredible.
You're not like most of the girls
I know. You're a woman.
That's fine. Turn around, drop your
pants, hands flat on the table.
(Chuckling) Oh, my God.
- This is great. Wow. Like this?
- Exactly.
(Sighs) I have to admit,
I love you in that uniform.
Do those nylons go all the way up,
or are they, like thigh high?
I'm gonna perform a procedure
called milking the prostate.
It's an anally-induced ejaculation.
Anal??
You're gonna feel strong pressure
from inside your rectum.
Come on, you don't have
to get all scientific, baby.
I mean, we can just talk...
(Grunts)
(Squeals)
(Grunting)
Stop! OK, keep doin' it. Yaaah!
(EL) Right there! Ahhh!
(Moans)
Oh, my God! Ohhh!
(Sighs)
OK. All done.
(Exhales)
That was awesome!
Wait. Wait. Does that work?
I mean,
is it even medically possible?
Oh, yeah, it works.
It works like a charm.
But back to our story.
'It was Sunday morning
back in Ithaca,
'when things suddenly took
an unexpected turn.'
(Barry) I'm a mouse.
I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me.
(Sighs) Come on.
You better eat him, Mitch,
before I do.
(Panting) He's tasty.
He's tasty, Mitch. Oh! Oh!
- (Mouse squeaks)
- (Moaning)
Mmm! Mmm!
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Why'd you lie to me?
(Gulps) I didn't lie.
You-you told me
that Josh went to Boston.
- I didn't. I said Austin.
- You said Boston.
Because of you,
some guy's life is ruined.
So what?? Besides, wherever he went,
he went because of you.
- What do you mean, because of me?
- Look, it's obvious.
Josh likes you. It's disgusting.
I knew you'd come back.
- What do you want??
- So, how was your getaway with Josh?
- I wasn't with Josh.
- Sure. Doesn't matter, though.
Cos Josh won't be back next semester.
He's about to flunk philosophy.
- What are you talking about??
- He thinks that he has an extension,
but thanks to
a...certain someone - me -
he doesn't.
(Jacob) He's an idiot.
(Beth) You psycho.
(Groans)
Oh, my God!
# I wanna rock
# Turn it down, you say
# All I gotta say to you
time and time again I say no!
# No, no, no!
# Tell me not to play
# All I gotta say to you
when you tell me not to play
# I say no, no, no, no
# So if you ask me why
I like the way I play
# There's only one thing
I can say to you
# I wanna rock! Rock!
# I wanna rock! Rock!
# I want to rock! Rock... #
(Barry) 'That night I set the guys up
at my grandparents' house.
'I haven't been there in a long time.
'When I was seven years old
I set their dog on fire
'and wasn't invited back.
'But I hear it's still real nice.'
I'm serious. "Please",
"Thank you", "This is delicious"
are the only words
you're allowed to say.
What?? I'm great with old people.
Grandmas love me.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. "Manilow"?
- Barry's last name is Manilow?
- Yeah.
- His name is Barry Manilow?
- Yeah.
- (All) Hi!
- Oh, my goodness!
Oh, look at you boys.
Jack, they're here!
# I see you, baby, shakin' that ass
# Shakin' that ass,
shakin' that ass... #
Jack, Barry's friends are here.
Come and say hi.
- (Dog groans)
- The boys are here.
- Oh, hey, fellas.
- Hi.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Wait. Let me get up.
- I'll give you guys the full tour.
- Oh, honey!
Careful. Your boner!
Well, what do you want me to do,
cut it off?
(Groans) I'll tell you what, fellas,
we'll start by showin'
you where you're gonna sleep.
(Chuckles) I'll show you
what we call the guest room.
Follow me, boys. The guest room...
Ohhh.
(TV) # Y'all know
what I'm talkin' about
# Don't be lookin' at me
like that now
# Come on... #
Excuse me.
You remember this kid?
No, sure don't.
(Mutters) Fuckin' airhead.
Let me ask you once more.
Have you seen my son?
Ow. Now that you mention it,
there were a few guys in.
If you loosen my arm,
I could get their bill.
Use your other arm.
- How many were there?
- A few.
- (Cracking)
- Aaah! Four!
One of 'em was trying to score drugs.
Honey, look. They made two calls to
Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.
(Door opens)
(Grandpa) Havin' a smoke?
Uh...yeah, yeah.
(Groans) I can't sleep, either.
Goddam Viagra
gets my heart racing like a lab rat.
(Chuckles) Are you OK?
- You look kinda goofy.
- No. No, it's nothing.
- Come on, out with it.
- (Sniffs) OK.
Well... I almost died two days ago.
- What??
- Our car exploded.
I could be dead right now.
And since that happened,
I find myself asking why.
You know? Like...
What is my reason for living?
Are you gonna
pass that doobie, or what??
Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
Uh, thanks.
You know what your problem is?
You're all brains.
Not enough cock and balls.
Actually, uh, people have been
telling me that my whole life.
In the sixth grade I got so worried
about the situation in Iraq,
that I was on
an adult dosage of Xanax.
And by eighth grade,
I was in therapy three times a week.
And the truth is, weed is the
only thing that could balance me out.
You know what I mean? Like...
You PK?
Hey, old man.
I got the fuckin' munchies real bad.
(Dog) How 'bout you?
OK, Tiffany,
it's time to stop being so sad.
Look at all this mail you got!
Look how many nice people
care about you.
You even got a package from Josh.
Really?
Shall we open it
and see what he says?
Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.
- (Laughs) It's a tape.
- Oh.
Well, pop it in.
Maybe I should watch this on my own.
Oh, come on.
This'll definitely cheer you up.
(Beth) 'What do you look for
in a girl?? '
'Well, let's see.
She should be smart...'
- (Giggling)
- 'and, um, funny.
'And, uh...
'That's good...that's good, too.'
(Beth) 'What else do you look for?? '
'Um... She should be, uh, attractive.
'And, um, topless.
- 'Uh-huh.'
- 'And she should kiss me.'
(Josh) Bye-bye.
(Grandpa) You boys be good now.
- Bye-bye.
- I'll tell Barry you said hello.
Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me
some blueberry pancakes. Now.
# Amour, amour
# I built a lovin' machine
# I bow all night long
# I built a lovin' machine
# I bow all night long
# I put the two dollar in
# Three on fought frowned
# Grab a hold of my drummer, baby
# Everybody watch out
# Yeah... #
Excuse me. Ahem.
back slash...
(Sighs) OK, look.
Some people are here
and they are being very rude.
OK. Call you back.
I'm sorry, but we need your help.
- Do you know Tiffany Henderson?
- Room 109.
Well, her grandfather died,
and she asked me
to pick up her mail.
Oh, how sad. Do you have the key?
Well, she didn't bring it to the
funeral so I was hoping you could...
Oh, I'm sorry,
but you need the key.
Don't worry. Her mail will be here,
safe and sound.
It's not like that, you see?
She needs something.
- This is an emergency.
- Don't make a big deal out of it.
Well, it's not a big deal, but
you need the key. Rules are rules.
No one's asking you to do anything
wrong. Just, you know, look away.
Go have an Eskimo pie.
You guys are gonna have to leave.
We're not leaving without that mail.
Listen to the man before you get
some Jackie Chan on your face.
- Come on, let's go.
- That means now, asshole.
Jesus!
I think he broke my nose. Oh, God!
Come on, Susie.
- You're a wrestler??
- You bet, Mary. You wanna go?
- Let me see it.
- Oh, God!
All right.
- Who's my bitch?
- What??!
(Groans)
(Receptionist) That's it. No, no, no!
OK, everyone, freeze!
This here is pepper spray,
and we will use it.
(Groaning)
These guys jumped me.
I was just sitting behind my desk!
Kyle?
- Dad?
- That's your dad?
Freeze now! Everybody freeze!
Put your weapon down now!
My son was kidnapped!
Whoa, whoa... Who was kidnapped?
I wasn't kidnapped.
These are my friends from school.
What are you talkin' about??
We all drove down here together.
What??
Then explain to me how
the frigging car got blown to hell!
- Well, see...
- It was stolen.
That's right. Tell him, Kyle.
Uh-huh. Exactly.
Stolen?
What about the damned credit card?
It was inside,
and that was stolen, too.
Bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why
didn't you tell us where you were?
Because I knew you'd get mad! See?
- I'm not mad! You're going with me.
- Josh?
- Tiffany!
- What the... What's going on?
- Nothing.
- Damn, dude, she is hot!
(Beeping)
My girlfriend's pagin' me.
Can we let them go?
- Good idea.
- No one is going anywhere!
- He's comin' with me.
- Get off of me!
I'm going back with these guys.
Shut your mouth and don't talk back.
Why don't YOU shut up?
What the hell did you just say to me?
I said, you shut up.
You've always told me
to stand up for myself.
Well, now I am.
Leave me alone, you jerk!
You ungrateful...
(Screaming and shouting)
- What...
- Go this way.
Go away! Go away!
- (Alarm ringing)
- (Coughing)
What was that all about?? I mean,
Josh, what are you doing here?
I just missed you. That's all.
I missed you, too, but it's crazy
for you to drive all the way here.
What??
I thought you'd be glad to see me.
I am. But Josh, you have your
entire life to live up at school.
This isn't healthy. Besides...
I realised a few things
this past week.
You did? Like what??
Like, we're in college.
The window of opportunity to go out
and have fun and meet new people
is getting smaller by the day.
- It is?
- Come on, Josh.
We've been together forever.
I mean...you're pretty much
the only guy I've ever been with.
What do you mean,
"pretty much the only guy"?
Well, I was 14, and you were away
at camp, but that was years ago.
Besides,
we're in different area codes.
I've been thinking a lot
about us, too.
(Phone)
The real reason I drove down...
Hold that thought.
Hello?
Yeah, he's right here.
Who is this?
Hold on.
It's for you. It's Beth.
Who's Beth?
Uh... (Sighs)
Beth? What are you doing?
I'm not sure what's going on between
us but I need to tell you something.
I'm actually glad you called,
cos I wanted to tell you something.
OK, you first.
I can't really talk right now,
but I'll explain everything
when I get back.
'OK? Really. I promise.'
Uh, I- I gotta get going, OK?
- Wait! Do you want to hear mine?
- Right. Sorry.
Is it good?
Not really. Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension
on your mid-term.
What??
'He tried to trick you. If you
don't get back you're gonna fail.'
Shit!
'She should be smart and funny.'
- 'Aren't you glad I called? '
- Yes. Thank you.
I'll call you as soon
as I get back, OK? Bye.
- Is this for me?
- Hmm?
Oh, God, no, no, no! You don't...
What the hell is this?
'I can see myself on TV,
I think it must be rewound.'
It's Barry.
'Hey, look...
'Look at that. I can see my bum.
(Laughs)'
Why would you send this to me?
So wait - you guys broke up,
then you hugged and then you left??
Yeah, pretty much.
Loser! Always have sex with the girl
one last time before you break up.
Everyone knows that!
It's not like that. I've known her
my whole life. She's my best friend.
So, what do we do now?
- Wanna smoke some drugs?
- I don't think so.
My mid-term starts in exactly
Although I'm gonna fail anyway,
so it doesn't matter but...
- Which class was it??
- Ancient Philosophy.
I can teach you ancient philosophy
in 46 hours.
You can?
I can teach a monkey in 46 hours.
You just got to find a way
to relate to the material.
Like, OK...
You like pro wrestling, don't you?
- Who doesn't??
- OK.
Socrates was like
the Vince McMahon of philosophy.
He started it all.
# Can you hear us
pumpin' on your stereo
# Can you hear us
pumpin' on your stereo
# Life is a cigarette
# You smoke to the end
# But if you rocket the middle bit
# Then you burn all your friends
# The wider your eyes,
the bigger the lies
# Yes, it's true... #
Oh, what was the 20-Man Battle Royal??
Participation explains predication.
Aristotle.
Right.
You know this! You'll be fine.
(Robot beeping)
Freeze, right there! Don't move!
Is this philosophy?
(Police sirens and radios)
If you hear anything, give me a call.
A bomb threat is serious.
Take my card.
- PK.
- (Sirens wailing)
(Police radios)
(Cop) OK, let's move it.
What's goin' on
with this bomb threat??
False alarm, people.
Everyone back inside.
We're gonna do this thing.
That's right.
- Josh.
- Beth!
Hey, um...thanks for calling.
Uh, it's been a really weird week.
So, how'd you do?
On the exam? Pretty good, actually.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Were you surprised?
You weren't back
in time for the exam,
so I, uh, called in a bomb threat.
You did that??
(Laughs) That's insane.
I wasn't gonna let Jacob
get you kicked out.
Besides, I might need you
around next semester.
So I did good, right??
Good?
That's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Mom?
(Panting) I'm so sorry.
Mom?
I got carried away
with the story there.
(Panting)
So, anyway,
Josh got a B+ on his mid-term.
He got to stay in college.
'And he and Beth are still together.
'They're still really into
making their...home movies.
'In fact, they have about 70 hours
of unedited amateur video.'
It's pretty wild.
I know, because I bought some of it.
That guy Jacob?
'He left school. He went on to become
the leader of some cult in Iowa.
'He tried organising a mass suicide.
'Only problem is,
he drank the Kool-Aid first
'and, well, everyone else
just kind of changed their minds.'
Too bad.
As for Rubin... Remember Rubin?
Remember how he claimed that
he was destined for great things?
(Rubin) The people of Earth need me.
Well, he was right.
Rubin used cross-pollination
to develop a strain of marijuana
that is not only remarkably potent...
but completely undetectable
by any drug tests.
Oh, my God.
'He was named
High Times' man of the year.'
As for EL, despite his
swinging philosophy on sexuality,
he got serious with some girl he met.
And you want me to use two fingers?
'I believe she was pre-med.'
Did I say two? Better make it three.
Then there's Kyle.
'Kyle and his father
reconciled their differences.'
Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.
'He brought his girlfriend home.'
Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.
Dad, this is Rhonda.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Come here.
That's the end of the tour.
I hope you strongly consider becoming
part of the Ithaca tradition,
as we lead future generations
of young people
forward into the new century.
Thanks a lot. You were great. Thanks.
- Thank you so much.
- No, it was fun.
I'll see you in the fall.
Thank you. Thank you.
- OK. Thank you.
- I'd like to say thank you.
I mean, uh, that was...
really great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Boy) Mom?
Thank you.
Thank you, Mommy.
I'm pumping your mommy.
(Grunting and moaning)
# Goddam right,
it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
# Goddam right,
it's a beautiful day, uh-huh #
# OK, what is it tonight??
# Please, please tell me
what the hell is wrong
# Do you wanna eat, do you
wanna sleep, do you wanna drown?
# Just settle down
settle down, settle down
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you watch
the shows you wanna see
# Just marry me,
marry me, marry me now
# Oh, hey
# I'm so sick of you tonight
# You never stay awake
when I get home
# Is something wrong with me,
something wrong with you?
# I really wish I knew,
wish I knew, wish I knew
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you watch
the shows you wanna see
# Just marry me,
marry me, marry me now
# Oh, hey
# You've become so distant
# Stop touching me!
# Are you in love with this guy?
# When I was young I learned her game
# When love and happiness
were the same
# Now I'm older and I don't play
# I found out the hardest way
# I got wasted, she got mad
# She called me names
and she called her dad
# He got crazy and violent, too
# One by one I'll torture you
# I'll give you candy,
give you diamonds, give you pills
# Give you anything you want,
hundred-dollar bills
# I'll even let you hear
the songs you wanna sing
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# I'll give you anything,
anything, anything
# Anything
# Anything
# Anything
# I'll give you anything #