Rob Schneider: Soy Sauce and the Holocaust (2013) Movie Script
[upbeat music]
[cheering]
[cheers and applause]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ROB SCHNEIDER.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU,
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.
BOY, YOU'VE GOSOME TRAFFIC OUT HERE.
HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT TRAFFIC.
L.A.'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU GUYS.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD TRAFFIC
WHEN I'M GETTING RECOGNIZED
IN TRAFFIC.
"DUDE, WHAT'S UP?"
I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE
BEEN FAMOUS, IT'S STILL WEIRD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD
GETTING RECOGNIZED,
SOMETIMES MORE FUN
THAN OTHER TIMES.
I LIKE IT WHEN OLDER,
BLACK WOMEN RECOGNIZE ME
'CAUSE OLDER BLACK WOMEN MAKE
YOU PROVE WHO YOU ARE.
"TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
[laughter]
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME.
YOU TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
"I DON'T KNOW.
I'M AN ACTOR, ROB SCHNEIDER."
"YOU AIN'T NO ROB SNYDER."
[laughter]
"ROB SNYDER AIN'T NO MIDGET,
BABY. MM-MM."
[laughter]
"CHECK OUTHIS DWARF-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER
"SAYING HE'S ROB SNYDER.
MM-MM, BABY, MM-MM."
SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEE ME
AND EXPECT ME
TO PERFORM LIKE I'M SOME KIND
OF TRAINED SEAL
OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
"WHY DON'T YOU DO A SCENE
FROM ONE OF YOUR MOVIES?"
"WHAT?"
"YOU KNOW, LIKE THA'SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' MOVIE."
"FIRST OF ALL, I WASN'T EVEN
IN THAT MOVIE.
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE. COME ON.
YOU A ACTOR, AIN'T YOU?"
[laughter]
SEE, HERE'S THE WEIRD THING
ABOUT BEING FAMOUS.
YOU KNOW, I'M USUALLY
A NICE GUY. I'LL SAY HI.
I'LL TAKE A PICTURE WITH PEOPLE.
I'LL SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH.
BUT LET'S SAY
I HAVE A BAD MOMENT.
IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW?
THAT'LL PROBABLY BE
THE ONLY INTERACTION I HAVE
WITH THAT PARTICULAR PERSON
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE,
TV SHOW I EVER MAKE,
ALL THEY'RE GONNA REMEMBER IS,
LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S THAT ASSHOLE
THAT KICKED MY CHILD
IN THE FACE," YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
[imitates thud]
[laughter]
PEOPLE HAVE NO PROBLEM COMING UP
TO ME AND SAYING, LIKE,
"HEY, YOU LOOK SHORIN PERSON."
"THANK YOU."
"NO, BUT IN A WEIRD,
UNHEALTHY WAY,
"LIKE SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH YOU.
"CAN YOU DRIVE A NORMAL CAR?
"DO BOTH YOUR KIDNEYS WORK?
"WHEN YOU GO
TO A SPORTING EVENT,
"DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO
PICK YOU UP TO USE THE URINAL?
DO YOU LIVE
AS LONG AS A TORTOISE?"
YOU KNOW,
I GET ALL THAT SHIT.
ONE THING THAT SUCKS
ABOUT BEING SHORT, YOU KNOW,
YOU GO SOMEWHERE,
AND A GIRL WANTS
TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU.
SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND YOU,
AND SHE WALKS AWAY, YOU GOTHAT WHITE ANTIPERSPIRANT STAIN
RIGHT THERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
SHE GOT ME OVER HERE TOO!
THAT'S A HUGE BITCH.
YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, IT'S NICE TO BE
UP HERE, I TELL YOU.
WHEW!
I'M TIRED THOUGH, MAN.
IN MY 40s NOW. OH!
GOT TO PACE YOURSELF
IN YOUR 40s, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, YOU KNOW,
THEY GET COCKY, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s ARE LIKE,
"IN MY 20s. I CAN PARTY.
"IN MY 20s. PARTIED LAST NIGHT.
I'LL PARTY AGAIN TONIGHT.
"I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO WORK.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
"PARTY. 20s.
20s. PARTY."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s ARE LIKE,
"I CAN PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
BUT I CHOOSE NOT TO."
[laughter]
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
"IF I PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
"I WILL FUCKING DIE.
"I HAD THREE GLASSES
OF WINE.
"I CAN'T GO TO WORK THIS WEEK.
I CAN'T.
"I FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT.
"I STAYED UP,
AND I WATCHED THE NEWS.
"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!
"I CAN ONLY COMMUNICATE
THROUGH BLINKING
AND HAND GESTURES
AT THIS POINT."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s ARE ALWAYS
PUTTING ON THEIR SWEATPANTS
WITH NO INTENTION AT ALL
OF WORKING OUT.
"WANT TO GO OUT, HONEY?
"YEAH, LET ME PUT ON
MY SWEATPANTS.
"THEN I'LL BE ABLE
TO GO OUT, MAYBE.
"GO TO A RESTAURANT, SIT DOWN
WITHOUT RUPTURING A TESTICLE.
SEE A MOVIE, CROSS MY LEGS.
MIX IT UP."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
YOU KNOW--IN YOUR 20s,
YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY,
IT'S LIKE,
"YEAH, LET ME GET SOME CONDOMS,
LIQUOR, CANDY."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
METAMUCIL,
CHEATER GLASSES,
FLOMAX...
AND CANDY.
I STILL LIKE CANDY.
IN YOUR 40s, PEOPLE SAY THIS
TO YOU, "HEY, YOU LOOK...GOOD."
IS THAT A LITTLE PAUSE?
'CAUSE BASICALLY THEY'RE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU LOOK...
"KIND OF FUCKED UP.
"YOU LOOK LIKE
A FUCKED UP VERSION
"OF WHAYOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
"BUT FOR A FUCKED UP VERSION
OF WHAT YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
YOU LOOK GOOD."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s AREN'T SHY
OR EMBARRASSED AT ALL
ABOUT BUYING SUPPLIES
FOR THEIR ASSHOLE.
"I NEED SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S ON FIRE.
"YEAH, MY ASSHOLE. I NEED
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S KILLING ME.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
"I DROP MY PANTS, I LOOK
LIKE I GOT A BABOON'S ASS.
"HONEY, I'M GETTING
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S KILLING ME.
"AISLE 12? OKAY, AISLE 12.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME, GETTING SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE."
[laughter]
YOU GET EASILY INJURED TOO
IN YOUR 40s.
YOU KNOW, YOU BECOME FRAGILE.
ANYTHING CAN MESS YOU UP,
AND IT'S LIKE,
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, DID YOU
USE MY PILLOW LAST NIGHT?
"I'M FUCKED UP NOW.
LOOK AT ME.
"THAT'S MY PILLOW
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
"THAT'S WHY
IT'S ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
"AND WHERE'S MY ASS PILLOW?
"THE PILLOW FOR MY ASS?
"NOW MY HIPS ARE OUT.
MY NECK'S OUT, MY HIPS ARE OUT.
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THE NEXT...
FUCKED UP.
I'M IN MY 40s."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s,
THEY HEAR...
[beatboxing]
"HEY, MAN,
WE GOT TO GET IN THERE, MAN."
[beatboxing]
"DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY
AT THE DOOR?"
[beatboxing]
"HEY, MAN,
LOOK AT THOSE CHICKS IN LINE."
[beatboxing]
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s HEAR...
[beatboxing]
"TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!"
[laughter]
"I'M TRYING
TO PUT ON MY SWEATPANTS!"
[laughter]
I KNOW I'M IN MY 40s NOW,
BECAUSE WHEN I JERK OFF
STANDING UP,
I GET WINDED.
[laughter]
I DON'T REMEMBER THAIN MY 20s OR 30s.
I GOT TO FINISH THE REST OF
THIS ONE SITTING DOWN, I THINK.
[laughter]
"THIS IS TAKING MORE ENERGY
THAN I'VE ALLOCATED FOR.
"LET'S JUST CALL THIS ONE
A DRAW, BUDDY.
"WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
COME ON.
"YOU DID YOUR BEST.
I DID MY BEST.
LET'S WALK AWAY WITH ONE
OF OUR HEADS HELD HIGH."
[laughter]
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I WALK.
I HAVE
A REASON TO BE TIRED NOW.
MY WIFE JUST HAD
A BABY LAST MONTH,
AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[cheers and applause]
SHE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.
YOU KNOW, SHE--YOU KNOW,
SHE STILL WANTS TO DO THINGS,
YOU KNOW.
HAVE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW.
LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
LEARN HOW TO READ,
ALL THIS DUMB SHIT,
YOU KNOW, AND IT'S LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
SHE'S GONNA BE 30
IN ABOUT 10 YEARS,
SO I'M REALLY HAPPY
ABOUT THAT.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.
MAYBE IT'S JUS'CAUSE I'M OLDER,
BUT THE AMAZING THING
ABOUT 'EM, YOU KNOW,
MAKING A HUMAN BEING,
MAKING A BABY.
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IT'S JUSAMAZING, YOU KNOW? HUH?
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
COME IN HER, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN--NO, NO, NO, IT WAS
MORE THAN THAT. I'M SORRY.
NO. I ALSO, YOU KNOW, I HAD
TO CHOKE HER A LITTLE BIT,
I'LL BE HONEST, YOU KNOW.
AH, NO, NOT TILL
SHE PASSED OUT,
JUST TILL
SHE GOT LITTLE WOOZY.
YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME FUN.
LET'S MIX IT UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LET'S MIX IT UP, YOU KNOW.
HAVE SOME FUN, YOU KNOW,
BUT, UM...
IT'S AMAZING. MY WIFE,
SHE'S MEXICAN, YOU KNOW.
HER NAME'S--
HER NAME'S "PA-TREE-SEE-A."
I THINK
THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE IT.
I'M NOT 100% SURE.
I JUST RUN BY QUICKLY
AND MUMBLE.
[mumbling rapidly]
PATRICIA,
WANNA MOVE THE CAR?
I LIKE MEXICANS THOUGH
'CAUSE THEY ALL HAVE NICKNAMES,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, HER NAME'S PATRICIA,
BUT HER NICKNAME IS PETITA.
THAT'S CUTE, HUH?
PETITA.
"COMO ESTAS, PETITA?"
HER FRIENDS CALL HER.
"HOLA, PETITA."
"BUENOS DIAS, PETITA."
IT'S CUTE, HUH?
HER NICKNAME FOR ME IS,
"YOU ARE A LIAR
"AND A PERVERT.
"WHY DO YOU WANTO STICK IT IN THERE?
"YOU'RE A PERVERAND A LIAR.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WARN
SOMEBODY."
SHE'S A NICE GIRL, THOUGH.
ANYWAY, WE HAVE
A NEW BABY.
HER NAME IS, UH--WELL,
MY WIFE CALLS HER "MEE-RAN-DA."
IT'S LIKE, "CAN WE
JUST CALL HER 'MIRANDA,'
SO WE CAN GET HER
INTO A GOOD SCHOOL?"
YOU KNOW, BUT, UH...
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHAT A WOMAN
HAS TO GO THROUGH.
I NEVER REALLY REALIZED IT,
BUT, LIKE,
I MEAN, SHE'S BREASTFEEDING.
I MEAN,
THIS IS HOW TOUGH IT IS.
A PIECE OF MY WIFE'S NIPPLE
ACTUALLY FELL OFF.
SHE'S STILL HAVING TO BREASTFEED
EVERY TWO, THREE HOURS.
YOU KNOW, IF A PIECE
OF MY PENIS FELL OFF,
THAT'S ONE DEAD FUCKING BABY
RIGHT THERE, SO--
"THAT IS IT.
NO MORE FOR YOU.
"YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF,
OBVIOUSLY.
THAT IS IT."
THEN AGAIN, FEEDING
YOUR BABY WITH A PENIS
BRINGS UP
A WHOLE OTHER SET OF PROBLEMS
AND ISSUES THAT I DON'WANT TO GET INTO.
[laughter]
SEE, YOU KNOW, THANK GOD
WE GOT THE ABUELITA THERE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S, YOU KNOW,
SPANISH FOR, YOU KNOW,
GRANDMA,
DOMESTIC SERVANT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE--
IT'S AMAZING.
SHE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD
'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE MY
TIME TALKING TO HER, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST A LOT OF
"UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
"UH-HUH.
OKAY, TAKE THE FUCKING BABY.
OKAY, GOOD. OKAY,
I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT."
[laughs]
BUT ANYWAY,
SHE'S AMAZING THOUGH.
I CALL HER
"THE BABY WHISPERER."
YEAH.
NO, BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING.
SHE MAKES THIS SOUND,
AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE A--
IT'S LIKE A "SHH"
AND A WHISTLE.
IT'S LIKE...
[whistling, exhaling]
AND IT'S REALLY HYPNOTIZING.
THE BABY COULD BE, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, VOMITING,
POOPING, CRYING, LIKE...
[imitates baby wailing]
AND SHE GOES...
[whistling, exhaling]
AND THE BABY'S LIKE...
[laughter]
IT'S INCREDIBLE,
YOU KNOW?
SHE DOES THE SAME THING
AT CUSTOMS, YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
"I NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE
A VISA HERE."
[whistling, exhaling]
[imitates stamping]
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
"I NOTICE YOU HAVE
A LIVE CHICKEN IN YOUR LUGGAGE."
[whistling, exhaling]
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
IT'S AMAZING WHAT MY WIFE
HAS JUST GONE THROUGH.
IT'S INCREDIBLE, YOU KNOW.
I FEEL BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW?
THERE'S NOT A LOT I COULD DO.
SHE LOST A PIECE OF HER NIPPLE,
IT'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU LOSA PIECE OF YOUR NIPPLE?
"HERE, WATCH
WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TV.
"HELP YOURSELF, PLEASE.
LEAST I CAN DO."
SHE LIKES TO WATCH
THESE REALITY SHOWS, YOU KNOW?
I HATE WATCHING
THESE REALITY SHOWS
'CAUSE THEN YOU GET ADDICTED TO
WATCHING THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?
THEN YOU STARPLANNING YOUR LIFE.
"HONEY, IT'S 9:00.
WE GOT TO GET HOME.
"WE CAN'T MISS 'HOARDERS.'
"NO, THIS WEEK'S GONNA BE
DIFFERENT THAN LAST WEEK.
"THE PILES OF SHIARE GONNA BE DIFFERENTHAN LAST WEEK'S PILES
OF SHIT."
[laughter]
YOU KNOW,
"HOARDERS" IS ON A&E,
YOU KNOW,
THE MISERY CHANNEL.
EVERY SHOW ON THERE
IS LIKE, "HEY, HONEY,
"THIS GUY
WEIGHS 800 POUNDS.
"HE CAN'T TIE HIS SHOES
OR WIPE HIS ASS.
"LET'S WATCH THIS
FOR THE NEXT HOUR.
"HE'S REALLY SUFFERING.
THIS COULD BE
ENTERTAINING FOR US."
ON "HOARDERS," THE PROBLEM
IS SO OBVIOUS.
YOU GOT A HOUSE
FILLED WITH GARBAGE.
YOU CAN THROW IT OUT.
THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, THEY BRING--
THESE PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZERS
COME OVER,
AND THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING
'CAUSE THEY'RE OVERLY NICE
TO THESE SICK BASTARDS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"SO TELL ME,
"WHAT DID THIS ROOM HERE
USED TO BE
"BEFORE YOU TURNED IINTO A TOILET?
WHAT WAS THIS?"
YOU KNOW?
THE IDEA OF THE SHOW IS TO GETHEM TO THROW AWAY THEIR STUFF,
AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING AWAY
'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS VALUABLE
TO THESE SICKOS, YOU KNOW?
THEY ARGUE ABOUT THROWING
ANYTHING AWAY.
THEY SAY,
"WHAT ARE YOU THROWING AWAY?
"WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?
"THAT'S A DEAD CAT.
"WHY WOULD YOU
THROW THAT AWAY?
"THAT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD
DEAD CAT RIGHT THERE.
"IT'S STILL GOT A HUNK OF FUR
AND A CLAW ON IT.
"THIS GUY'S TRYING TO
"BREAK UP OUR DEAD CACOLLECTION, HONEY.
"THAT'S THE BEST ONE!
"NOW WHAT ARE YOU
THROWING AWAY?
THAT Q-TIP'S STILL GOOD
ON THE OTHER SIDE! COME ON!"
[laughter]
BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SHOW, IT'S COMING BACK.
"HOARDERS" IS COMING BACK
AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.
IT'S GONNA BE ON A&E,
9:00, MONDAY NIGHTS.
WATCH IT WITH YOUR WIVES,
WATCH IT WITH YOUR HUSBANDS,
WATCH IT WITH YOUR KIDS,
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE DONE
WATCHING THE SHOW?
YOU CLEAN THE HOUSE TILL 3:00
IN THE FUCKING MORNING.
IT'S LIKE, "WE'RE FUCKED UP TOO.
LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT.
"THEY COULD HAVE AN EPISODE HERE
TOMORROW, HONEY.
GO OUT FRONT AND SEE
IF THERE'S A CAMERA CREW."
[laughter]
PATRICIA THINKS
I'M A HOARDER
IF I DON'T THROW
THE NEWSPAPER--
"YOU'RE A NEWSPAPER HOARDER!
YOU CAN'T EVEN THROW AWAY
A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOARDER!"
"HONEY,
IT'S TODAY'S PAPER."
"IT'S 5:00.
YOU'RE A HOARDER."
"WELL, YOU HAVE
85 PAIRS OF SHOES."
"YEAH, THAT'S
BECAUSE I'M A GOOD SHOPPER.
"I NEED EVERY ONE
OF THOSE PAIRS OF SHOES.
CHEWS, C-H-E-W-S,
CHEWS."
[laughter]
MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO CUBACK. YOU KNOW, THIS ECONOMY.
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, YOU KNOW?
GOT TO CUT BACK WHERE YOU CAN,
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE EVEN TIME TO GET RID
OF STUFF. THERE'S AN IDEA.
GET RID OF STUFF
YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE.
MY FAVORITE COMMERCIAL ON TV
RIGHT NOW IS,
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED GOLD."
[laughter]
UNWANTED GOLD?
IT'S FUCKING GOLD.
WHO HAS UNWANT--?
"HONEY, WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
"GOLD?
GET RID OF IT!
"IT'S EMBARRASSING!
"WE GOT FRIENDS
COMING OVER,
"THERE'S FUCKING GOLD
EVERYWHERE!
GET THIS SINGLE MOST PRECIOUS
HEAVY METAL OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"
I'M GONNA PUT A COMMERCIAL ON TV
JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED CASH."
[laughter]
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, THOUGH.
IT'S TOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL IT.
I FEEL IT, YOU KNOW.
WELL, I DON'T FEEL IT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I HEAR SHIFROM A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
WE DRIVE BY PEOPLE.
"HONEY, THOSE PEOPLE LOOK
FUCKED UP. LET'S KEEP GOING.
COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING."
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP?
'CAUSE YOU SEE--
YOU SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE,
AND SOME OF 'EM ARE WHITE,
YOU GO, "OH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.
"COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY LOOK LIKE US, HONEY.
"KEEP GOING. DON'T LOOK AT THEM,
DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"
NO MATTER
WHERE THE ECONOMY GOES,
SOME THINGS
YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT.
I GOT TO KEEP MY DOG,
AND I LIKE MY DOG,
BUT I'M NOT ONE
OF THESE DELUSIONAL DOG OWNERS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"MY DOG LOVES ME.
I KNOW MY DOG LOVES ME.
MY DOG--"
I'M SORRY, YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR DOG LOVES YOU, OKAY?
HE'S ANOTHER SPECIES.
HE MAY LIKE YOU.
HE MAY TOLERATE YOU,
BUT YOU NOTICE,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM
ON A LEASH
OR BEHIND THE FENCE
OR INSIDE THE HOUSE.
OTHERWISE, HE'D PROBABLY
FUCKING GO SOMEPLACE BETTER.
[laughter]
YOU WANT TO SEE
IF HE LOVES YOU? LET HIM GO.
SEE IF HE FUCKING COMES BACK.
THEN MAYBE HE LOVES YOU.
I LIKE MY DOG,
BUT I DON'T DELUDE MYSELF.
I THINK
MY DOG'S SMART ENOUGH.
I THINK MY DOG GETS WHATHE BASIS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS
BETWEEN ME AND HIM.
MY DOG LOOKS AT ME LIKE...
[laughter]
"HE'S GOT MORE FOOD!"
[laughter]
"HE'S A GENIUS
AT FINDING FOOD!
"ALL DAY LONG HE COMES BACK
WITH MORE AND MORE FOOD!
"I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OTHER
THINGS TO GET EXCITED ABOUT!
"HE CUT MY BALLS OFF.
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
"I JUST WENT SOMEWHERE,
I FELL ASLEEP,
"AND I WOKE UP
WITH NO BALLS.
YEP, THEY'RE STILL GONE."
I THINK MY DOG,
IN THAT SMALL BRAIN OF HIS,
BELIEVES IT'S A FAIR EXCHANGE,
'CAUSE EVERY DAY,
I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD,
PICKING UP HIS SHIT.
[laughter]
"WHAT DOES HE WANWITH MY SHIT?"
[laughter]
"EVERY DAY, HE'S IN
THE BACKYARD, LOOKING AROUND.
HE'S NOT SATISFIED
UNTIL HE FINDS MY SHIT."
[laughter]
"THAT'S LAST WEEK'S SHIT.
"WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY
WANT WITH LAST WEEK'S SHIT?
"HE'S A SHIT HOARDER.
"I'M OWNED
BY A SHIT HOARDER.
"I'LL MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING
FOR HIM TODAY.
"I'LL LEAVE ONE
BY HIS PILLOW.
"HE WON'T EVEN NEED TO GO
OUTSIDE FOR THAT ONE.
"HE CAN JUST ROLL OVER.
"IT'LL BE RIGHT THERE,
WAITING FOR HIM.
"HELLO, MASTER.
HOW ARE YOU?
"I WAS JUST LEAVING YOU
A LITTLE PRESENT,
"SOMETHING I KNOW
YOU'LL LOVE.
"WHY IS HE HITTING
WITH A NEWSPAPER?
"AH! AH! HE'S CRAZY.
OUTSIDE HE LOVES IT.
"HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
HE LOOKS EVERYWHERE FOR IT.
"UNDER TREES, IN
THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN, IN BUSHES.
"INSIDE, HE HITS ME.
"IT'S THE SAME SHIT,
"AND THIS IS A NEW ONE,
STILL WARM.
YOU DON'T APPRECIATE SHIT."
[laughter]
MY WIFE WANTED HER OWN DOG.
SHE'S MEXICAN, SO WE HAD
TO GET A PIT BULL, YOU KNOW.
HAVING A PIT BULL MAKES
SOME THINGS MORE INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW, YOU THROW A BALL,
HE COMES BACK WITH AN ARM.
"JESUS CHRIST.
GET IN THE VAN.
NOW WE HAVE TO LEAVE
BECAUSE OF YOU. COME ON."
EVERYTHING'S ABOUT MONEY NOW
IN SOCIETY, YOU KNOW?
EVEN BEFORE YOU GET ON A PLANE,
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT.
THEY LET YOU KNOW
WHO HAS MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL DIAMOND ELITE FLIERS.
"DIAMOND ELITE,
1K MILLION MILE FLIERS
"ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL EMERALD GOLD FLIERS.
"EMERALD GOLD, 1K MILLION MILE
FLIERS ARE WEL--
NOW BOARDING ALL SILVER
MEDALLION FLIERS."
THEY WORK THEIR WAY DOWN
TO YOU, YOU KNOW.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL TIN FOIL TURD FLIERS.
"THE REST OF YOU LOSERS
AND MUTANTS
ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME."
WE'RE LIKE,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH
"FOR LETTING ME
ON THE P-P-PLANE
"WITH ALL
THE NORMAL P-P-PEOPLE.
WHICH SEADO I CLIMB UNDERNEATH?"
[laughter]
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO CHEAP,
THE AIRLINES, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE,
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT NOW,
YOU KNOW?
WE'RE USED TO THAT.
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT.
IT'S LIKE, "YOU WANT TO FLY
SOMEWHERE,
"AND YOU WANT TO CHANGE CLOTHES
WHEN YOU GET THERE?
"THAT'S ANOTHER $40, ASSHOLE,
LET'S GO. COME ON, COME ON.
OTHERWISE JUST WEAR THAT T-SHIRTHE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE THERE."
THEY'RE SO CHEAP, AND GET READY
FOR THIS, SAN JOSEANS.
[laughter]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
THEY CALL YOU,
BUT IT'S GOOD ENOUGH,
YOU KNOW?
DO YOU WANT TO SIBY THE WINDOW OR THE AISLE,
OR, GOD FORBID,
TOGETHER NEXT YEAR?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY
A SURCHARGE FOR THAT.
YEAH. GOD FORBID THERE'S ANY
TURBULENCE ON THESE FLIGHTS.
"IN CASE OF LOSS
OF CABIN PRESSURE,
"PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD
IN THE SLOT IN FRONT OF YOU,
"AND IF YOUR CREDIT CARD
IS GOOD,
"AN OXYGEN MASK WILL DROP
FROM THE CEILING.
"OTHERWISE, THANK YOU FOR
FLYING AMERICAN AIRLINES.
"IN CASE OF A WATER LANDING,
FOR $9.99, YOU CAN PURCHASE
A FLOATATION DEVICE."
LIKE, "HEY! THAT SHIT SHOULD
COME WITH THE CRASH!
THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED
IN THE DISASTER!"
BY THE WAY,
TO BE A T.S.A. AGENT,
DO YOU HAVE TO PROMISE
TO NEVER WORK OUT AGAIN?
DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH
TO ONLY EAT PUDDING?
PROMISE TO NEVER GO
NEAR A TREADMILL OR A GYM AGAIN?
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,
'CAUSE THE SHOE BOMBER,
YOU KNOW.
CAN'T HAVE ANY LIQUIDS,
THE LIQUIDS BOMBER.
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT YOUR COMPUTER
OUT IN ITS OWN BIN,
BECAUSE THE COMPUTER BOMBER.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR,
THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER.
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BELT OFF,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW DANGEROUS A BELCOULD BE, RIGHT?
I COULD PUT ION THE PILOT'S HEAD
AND FUCKING CHOKE HIM OUWITH IT.
TAKE THAT LITTLE METAL PIECE
AND POKE HIM
IN THE FUCKING EYE.
"HEY, CAPTAIN, YOU DROPPED
YOUR PEN RIGHT THERE.
"I GOT YOU, YOU FUCKER.
I'M TAKING OVER THIS PLANE.
I GOT A BELT."
YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE BAREFOOT,
AND YOU'RE HOLDING
YOUR PANTS UP, YOU KNOW.
PUSHING THREE BINS' WORTH
OF SHIT, YOU KNOW.
TRYING TO GET A WIDE STANCE
SO YOU DON'T GESOME WEIRD INDIAN FUNGUS
ON YOUR FEET, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO THROUGH
THE METAL DETECTOR, "BING!"
OOPS, I FORGOT I GOA NICKEL IN MY ASS.
HONEY, HOW IS THAT HELPING?
BUT THAT'S NOT HUMILIATING
ENOUGH.
NOW THEY WANT TO X-RAY US.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THOSE NEW SCANNING MACHINES,
X-RAYS.
YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
YOU KNOW,
"IS THAT AN X-RAY MACHINE--CAN
YOU SEE UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES?"
"YES."
"SO YOU'RE X-RAYING ME."
"NO, IT'S NOT AN X-RAY."
"HUH?
"BUT WHEN SUPERMAN SAW
UNDERNEATH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES,
"HE CALLED IT X-RAY VISION.
WHO AM I GOING TO BELIEVE,
YOU OR THE MAN OF STEEL?"
SO, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'BELIEVE AMERICANS, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO TO SAN JOSE
INTERNATIONAL,
SEE THOSE SCANNERS,
THEY'RE DOING THIS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE X-RAYING
YOUR GENITALS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
YOU KNOW.
THE NEXT TIME THEY WANTO X-RAY YOUR GENITALS,
YOUR WIFE'S GENITALS
BEFORE YOU FLY SOMEWHERE, SAY,
"EXCUSE ME,
BEFORE WE DO ANY X-RAYING
"OF THE GENITALS, CAN I JUSSHOW YOU SOMETHING ON MY iPHONE?
"LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
"LOOK AT NUMBER FOUR.
"IT'S REASONABLE SEARCH
AND SEIZURE, YOU KNOW.
"I'M JUST--I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONVICTED OF A CRIME.
"I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
FOR A CRIME.
"HONEY, YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED
OR ARRESTED FOR A CRIME?
"WE'RE JUST FLYING TO MIAMI
FOR THE WEEKEND.
"I DON'T THINK IT'S REASONABLE
FOR YOU
"TO BE X-RAYING OUR GENITALS.
"WE'LL TAKE
THE FREE CROTCH MASSAGE INSTEAD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
THE FAT GUY IN THE BLUE GLOVES
COMES OUT.
"WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
"OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVE AREAS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY--"
"WELL, YOU KNOW, MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY MOTHER IS KIND
OF A SENSITIVE AREA, YOU KNOW."
I FEEL SORRY FOR SECURITY,
SORRY FOR THE GUY IN THE BOOTH,
YOU KNOW, AFTER BEING THERE,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA--
THE SECURITY, THEY'RE GONNA
GAMBLE AWAY EVERY PAYCHECK.
THEY'RE GONNA LOSE
ALL THEIR MONEY.
IT'S LIKE "AHA!
I TOLD YOU, TRANSVESTITE.
"50 BUCKS, BOBBY.
LET'S GO, RIGHT THERE.
"RIGHT THERE.
AHA, ONE BALL.
DANNY, YOU OWE ME 20,
LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE."
I JUST THINK WE'RE AMERICANS.
WE'RE SMARTER THAN THAT.
COME ON,
WE INVENTED THE PHONE,
THE FLYING MACHINE,
THE INTERNET.
WE CAN COME UP WITH A RULE
THAT APPLIES TO EVERYBODY.
MOVE THINGS ALONG,
RESTORE DIGNITY AND LUXURY
THAT FLYING DESERVES.
I GOT AN IDEA.
IF YOU LIKE IT,
YOU RUN WITH IT.
IF YOUR NAME TAKES UP MORE
THAN ONE PAGE ON YOUR PASSPORT,
SPREAD YOUR FUCKING CHEEKS.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT TOO BAD.
IT'S NOT PERFECT.
"OKAY, STEVE SMITH FROM
SAN JOSE, OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD.
"NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO, KEEP YOUR SHOES ON.
"IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT'S GOOD.
"TAKE THE KNIFE WITH YOU.
WE TRUST YOU.
"YOU'RE GOOD.
NO, YOU'RE GOOD.
"KHALID RAFSANJANI AHMADINEJAD
ABDUL MUTALEB,
"LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THAT ASSHOLE OF YOURS.
"IT'S EITHER A HAND GRENADE...
"OR A DINGLEBERRY.
"CLIMB IN THERE
AND SEE WHAT THE HELL THIS--
PUT IT ON THE X-RAY MACHINE,
YOU KNOW."
WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY.
THAT'S WHAT'S THE THING
ABOUT BANKRUPTING AMERICA,
IS WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY,
YOU KNOW.
ONE OUT OF THREE AMERICANS
IS OVERWEIGHT.
ONE OUT OF SIX AMERICANS
IS REALLY OVERWEIGHT.
NOW THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING FAIN AMERICA
IS NO MATTER HOW FAT YOU ARE,
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY FATTER.
LIKE, "I'M FUCKED UP?
LOOK AT THAT GUY OVER THERE.
HE NEEDS A SPECIAL CAR."
IT'S AMAZING.
THAT'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF.
YOU SEE THESE COMMERCIALS
LATE AT NIGHTHAT DON'T ENCOURAGE PEOPLE
TO GET HEALTHY, LIKE,
"THE NEW BODY CORSET."
IT'S LIKE,
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
"JUST SQUISH
ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER
AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON."
THAT'S NOT HELPING.
WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
SKIP DESSERT.
TAKE A DUMP.
DO ANYTHING, COME ON.
THE BIGGEST THREAT TO AMERICAN
WAY OF LIFE IS NOT AL-QAEDA.
IT'S NOT IRAN.
IT'S NOT NORTH KOREA.
IT'S FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
WHO'S FRYING
THE MACARONI AND CHEESE?
IT'S ALREADY
CHEESE AND MACARONI.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO TO IT?
"IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE.
WE COULD FRY IT.
"YEAH.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
"WE COULD PUT SOME CIGARETTES
IN THERE.
"REESE--REESE'S
PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
"YEAH, LET'S FUCK IT UP.
GO AHEAD.
"PUT SOME MORE SHIT IN THERE.
LET'S KILL
THESE FUCKING PEOPLE."
AND OUR OLD PEOPLE
ARE BANKRUPTING US.
YOU KNOW,
HALF THE COMMERCIALS ON TV
ARE NOW DRUGS AIMED AT OLD
PEOPLE WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN'IN A POSITION TO BE MAKING GOOD
DECISIONS, BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOPY
FROM ALL THE OTHER SHITHEY'RE ALREADY TAKING.
THEY ADVERTISE THIS STUFF
LATE AT NIGHT,
LIKE, "DO YOU NOT WANTO PEE ANYMORE?
THEN TAKE 'FLOW LESS'
AND NEVER PEE AGAIN."
YOU STAY UP REALLY LATE
AT NIGHT,
THAT'S WHEN THE REALLY BIZARRE,
FAKE COMMERCIALS COME ON,
YOU KNOW, THOSE FAKE DISEASES.
LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE ONE BALL
"THAT STICKS TO THE SIDE
OF YOUR LEG?
"YOU COULD HAVE
'ONE BALL STUCK TO THE SIDE
"OF YOUR LEG' SYNDROME.
"YOU NEED TO TAKE
ASSLICKOVOREPOLYHYDRATE.
GET RID OF THAT ONE BALL
STUCK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG."
THEN THEY RUN THE SIDE EFFECTS
AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL.
THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE ALWAYS
A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE
THAN HAVING A BALL STUCK
TO YOUR FUCKING LEG, YOU KNOW?
"SIDE EFFECTS ARE
YOU COULD BLEED FROM YOUR EARS
"AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR ASS.
"YOU COULD HAVE SEIZURES,
"GO INTO SHOCK, STOP BREATHING.
"YOUR BLADDER COULD EXPLODE
IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE
TO SHIT AGAIN."
MY FAVORITE IS "SOME PATIENTS
ON ASSLICKOVORE
HAVE EXPERIENCED THEIR OTHER
BALL STICKING TO THEIR LEG."
IT'S LIKE, COME ON.
WE HAVE A CROSS-CULTURAL KID.
LITTLE MIRANDA.
I COME FROM A CROSS-CULTURAL
BACKGROUND.
MY DAD WAS JEWISH.
MY MOM'S FILIPINO.
IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM
OF SMALL PENISES.
MY HOUSE SMELLED LIKE SOY SAUCE
AND THE HOLOCAUST.
MY DAD WAS VERY HAPPY HE MARRIED
AN ASIAN WOMAN.
MY DAD WOULD TRY TO GIVE ME
ADVICE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
HE SAID, "HEY ROBBY, HEY, HEY.
IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY,
GET YOURSELF AN ORIENTAL."
IT'S ALREADY INAPPROPRIATE
RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW?
"YOU KNOW THESE ORIENTALS
WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
"IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE.
"THEY WILL GIVE YOU HAND RELIEF
AND ORAL.
WHAT THESE ORIENTALS CAN DO
WITH THEIR MOUTHS--"
"HEY, DAD!
"THAT 'ORIENTAL'
IS IN THE KITCHEN.
"THAT'S MOM.
MY MOM.
I'M SEVEN."
MY MOM'S ORIGINALLY FROM MANILA
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
BUT THE SUBTLETIES
OF THE LANGUAGE
HAVE ALWAYS ESCAPED HER.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SWEAR WORDS
SHE NEVER QUITE FIGURED OUT,
YOU KNOW.
SHE'D HEAR MY BROTHER AND I CALL
EACH OTHER NAMES,
AND SHE'D USE THOSE SAME NAMES
TO GET US
TO PICK UP AROUND THE HOUSE.
"ALL RIGHT, YOU FAGGOTS,
PICK UP YOUR TOWELS.
"BEDTIME FOR QUEER BAITS,
LET'S GO.
"GET READY FOR SCHOOL,
ASS PIRATES.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LASFUDGE PACKERS ON THE BUS."
"DID MOM JUST CALL US
FUDGE PACKERS?
"IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
I THINK SHE DID."
MY MOM WILL COOK FILIPINO FOOD,
OF COURSE.
CHICKEN ADOBO, AND SHE'D LEAVE
IT ON THE STOVE OVERNIGHT.
SHE WOULDN'T REFRIGERATE IT,
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE
REFRIGERATORS
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
YOU KNOW,
EVEN AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
IT SEEMED KIND OF FUNKY,
YOU KNOW.
"MOM, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAIN THE--"
"DOESN'T NEED TO BE 'FRIGERATED.
"WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE HERE."
"YEAH, BUT WE GOT ONE."
"DOESN'T NEED
TO BE 'FRIGERATED."
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ABOUT BUGS
GETTING IN THERE?
"NO BUGS WILL GO ANYWHERE
NEAR THIS FOOD."
IT'S LIKE, WHY ARE WE FUCKING
EATIN' IT THEN?
IT'S BEEN REJECTED BY BUGS.
[makes buzzing sound]
"I DON'T TRUST IT.
[makes buzzing sound]
"LOOKS LIKE FILIPINO FOOD.
COME ON, GUYS.
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[makes buzzing sound]
I'M ONLY ALIVE FOR 72 HOURS.
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE
TIME HAVING DIARRHEA.
[makes buzzing sound]
WASTING FOOD IS A BIG DEAL
IN MY MOM'S HOUSE, THOUGH,
BECAUSE SHE'S A WAR SURVIVOR,
YOU KNOW.
WORLD WAR II DURING THE JAPANESE
OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW,
AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THAT SHIT.
"YOU GONNA EAT THAT POTATO?"
"WELL, I HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET."
"I HAD TO CRAWL UP A MOUNTAIN
FOR THREE DAYS TO GET A POTATO.
"THE JAPANESE
WERE SHOOTING AT US.
"HAD TO CRAWL UNDER--
MY HANDS AND KNEES--
UNDER BARBED WIRE TO BRING
MY MOM BACK A POTATO."
"WELL, THEN YOU
SHOULD FUCKING EAT IT,
BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY..."
[imitates assault sounds]
AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,
YOUR PARENTS GET OLDER,
THE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU
AND THEM BECOMES INSIGNIFICANT.
THEY BECOME MORE
LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.
THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
OPENING UP
AND TELLING YOU THINGS
THAT'LL SCAR YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE,
YOU KNOW.
SO MY MOM FELT COMFORTABLE
TELLING ME STUFF.
"ROBERT, ALL YOUR FATHER WANTS
IS SEX,
"AND I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
"MY JAW HURTS.
"I'M NOT AS LIMBER
AS I USED TO BE.
"CAN'T GET MY ANKLES
BEHIND MY EARS LIKE HE LIKES.
"I DON'T WANT TO SIIN THE DAMN CHAIR
"WITH ALL THE ROPES SPINNING
BACK AND FORTH ANYMORE.
I GET DIZZY AS HELL
IN THAT DAMN CHAIR."
"EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND,
MOM, WILL YOU?"
[imitates vomiting sound]
MY WIFE PATRICIA,
LIKE ALL WOMEN,
SHE SUFFERS
FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY DISORDER.
WOMEN ONLY REMEMBER THE STUFF
THEY WANT TO REMEMBER,
THE STUFF THAT SERVES
THEIR PURPOSES.
STUFF THEY DON'T WANTO REMEMBER,
THEY CONVENIENTLY LOSE
ALL KNOWLEDGE OF, YOU KNOW.
STUFF MY WIFE WANTS TO REMEMBER,
IT'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU SAID YOU GONNA TAKE
A DANCE CLASS AT 7:30,
"WEST HOLLYWOOD, SALSA LESSON.
COME ON.
WE GOT TO GO."
"OH, WHEN DID I AGREE TO THAT?"
"AUGUST 13TH, 3:32 P.M.
"YOU WERE WEARING BROWN SLACKS,
"A U2 T-SHIRT,
TENNIS SHOES.
"IT WAS 68 DEGREES, SLIGHCHANCE OF PRECIPITATION.
"I SAID, 'YOU WANT TO TAKE
A SALSA LESSON?'
"YOU DID THIS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MEANS YES."
STUFF SHE DOESN'T WANTO REMEMBER, IT'S LIKE,
"HONEY, WHEN DID YOU SCRATCH
THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAR?"
"WHAT CAR?"
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WE HAD A CAR."
WOMEN ARE
VERY POWERFUL CREATURES.
I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY.
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU
DOUBT SOMETHING
YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING DID.
YOUR GUY FRIENDS
WON'T MAKE YOU DOUBT.
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU DOUBSOMETHING YOU KNOW
FOR SURE YOU DID, MAKE YOU LOSE
ALL CONFIDENCE IN IT.
"HONEY, DID YOU LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?"
"MAYBE I DIDN'T LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR.
"MAYBE I HAD A 'LOCKING
THE FRONT DOOR' HALLUCINATION.
MAYBE I SECRETLY WANT PEOPLE
TO COME IN AND KILL US."
WOMEN ARE MAGICIANS.
WOMEN CAN MAKE THINGS APPEAR
AND DISAPPEAR AT WILL.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
"HONEY, I CAN'T FIND
MY CAR KEYS.
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE?"
"IT'S ON THE PLATE
BY THE FRONT DOOR."
"NO, I LOOKED THERE, IT'S NOT--"
"WELL, LOOK AGAIN."
"NO, IT'S NOT THERE."
"IT IS THERE."
"NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I JUST--"
"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE."
"HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S NOT."
"OH, GOD DAMN."
[makes thumping noise]
"IT'S RIGHT FUCKING HERE.
"IT WAS HERE
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
SHE'S A WITCH.
BURN HER.
WITCH!
SO WOMEN COULD EASILY
COME OUT AND TELL US
WHAT IT IS THEY WANT, BUT WOMEN
DON'T FEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE TO.
WOMEN ARE INSULTED.
"YOU SHOULD KNOW.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHAT THE PROBLEM--IF I HAVE
"TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS, THAT'S ANOTHER PROBLEM.
"YOU JUST DOUBLED YOUR PROBLEMS
RIGHT THERE.
"YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLIMB
IN MY BRAIN, LOOK AROUND,
"FIND OUT WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I
DON'T WANT, PUT YOUR SHIT AWAY.
YOU'RE SELFISH
BEING YOUR OWN PERSON."
OH, JUST TELL US
WHAT IT IS YOU WANT, LADIES,
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANTO DISAPPOINT YOU,
BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WILL FRUSTRATE YOU.
WE'LL GUESS WRONG EVERY TIME.
JUST TELL US
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
TELL US WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO
TO FIX IT, AND WE'LL DO THAT.
OTHERWISE WE'LL--BECAUSE WE
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT ON OUR OWN.
SHE'S CRYING.
MAYBE SHE WANTS A PIZZA.
IF I WAS CRYING,
I'D WANT A PIZZA.
I WONDER WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
SHE WANTS.
I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
I WANT.
I WANT THE PIZZA WITH
THE SAUSAGE AND THEN PIZZA--
WHY IS SHE THROWING
THE PIZZA AT ME?
WHAT DID THE PIZZA DO
TO PISS HER OFF?
I DON'T MEAN TO PICK ON WOMEN,
BUT I DO NEED TO HAVE AN ACT,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
AND YOU KNOW
YOU DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHTO WIN THE ARGUMENT.
WOMEN FIGHT TO DESTROY US.
THAT'S A DIFFERENT GOAL.
GUYS FUCK UP
BECAUSE WE TEND TO ARGUE
ABOUT WHAT THE ARGUMENT'S
ACTUALLY ABOUT.
WOMEN DON'T FEEL
THAT CONSTRAINED.
IT'S LIKE, "HONEY, DID YOU HAVE
TO PARK BEHIND ME?
"YOU KNOW I GOT TO GET UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
"AND DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT.
"THEN YOU HAVE TO HIDE
YOUR CAR KEYS,
"SO I CAN'T MOVE YOUR CAR,
SO I MISS MY FLIGHT.
DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT, HUH?"
"OH, YEAH?
YOU NEVER MAKE ME COME."
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
STOP DOING THAT.
BUT I ADMIRE WOMEN.
I DO.
WOMEN HAVE THE ABILITY
TO STEP OUTSIDE THEMSELVES
AND APPRECIATE
ANOTHER WOMAN'S BEAUTY.
THAT'S A VERY POWERFUL THING.
A WOMAN CAN GO UP
TO ANOTHER WOMAN
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
AND GO, "WOW.
"YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
WITH YOUR HAIR,"
AND MEAN IT, YOU KNOW.
GUYS ARE MUCH MORE INSECURE.
GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT CONFIDENCE
AT ALL.
YOU NEVER HEAR A GUY GO UP
TO ANOTHER GUY AND GO,
"WOW, YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL GUY.
"I LIKE WHAT YOU DO
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS.
"DO YOU SHAVE
YOUR OWN CHEST HAIR?
"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
"COME BACK HERE, BEAUTIFUL GUY!
"BEAUTIFUL GUY'S GETTING AWAY.
BEAUTIFUL GUY!"
YET WOMEN, IF THEY SO CHOOSE,
CAN FIND THE ONE DEFECIN AN OTHERWISE
PERFECTLY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN
AND TEAR HER TO SHREDS.
"YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY, I GUESS,
"BUT THAT'S
A LONG, FUCKED-UP NECK.
"IF I WAS HER,
I'D NEVER EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE.
"I MEAN, I'D JUST STAY INDOORS
ALL DAY,
HANG OUWITH ALL THE OTHER GIRAFFES."
GUYS ARE THE OPPOSITE.
GUYS SEE SOMETHING WRONG,
SOMETHING MESSED UP
ON SOME OTHER GUY,
WE'RE CURIOUS.
WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
"HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ASSHOLE.
HE'S MISSING AN ELBOW.
"LET'S BUY HIM A BEER.
"HOW DID YOU END UP
MISSING AN ELBOW?
LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN DRINK IT!"
OF COURSE, WOMEN HAVE
A MUCH HIGHER TOLERANCE TO PAIN
THAN US GUYS
COULD EVER HAVE, YOU KNOW.
WOMEN CAN JUST TAKE THE IDEA
OF PAIN AND PUSH IT ASIDE
LIKE A DISTANT BASTARD STEPCHILD
OF FASHION.
MY WIFE CAN TAKE
THESE HIGH-HEEL SHOES,
CRAM FIVE TOES
INTO THE SPACE
OF A TOE AND A HALF,
AND BE FINE.
IT'S LIKE,
"HONEY, ARE THOSE PAINFUL?"
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
I CAN DEAL WITH IT."
"WELL, THEY LOOK PAINFUL."
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
THEY ONLY HURWHEN I TAKE STEPS."
TAKE STEPS?
THAT'S THE WHOLE FUNCTION
OF SHOES, ISN'T IT?
"IS THAT DRESS A LITTLE TIGHT?"
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
"I TOOK A FEW BREATHS
BEFORE I PUT IT ON.
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BREATHE
A LOT TONIGHT."
"IT MIGHT GET COLD LATER.
YOU WANT A SWEATER?"
"NAH, IT DOESN'T MATCH
MY OUTFIT.
"I'LL JUST DEAL WITH MY NIPPLES
GETTING FROSTBITE.
IT'S OKAY."
WOMEN WILL HAVE
THE MOST SENSITIVE PARTS
OF THEIR BODIES SHAVED,
SCRAPED.
WOMEN WILL PAY SOMEBODY
TO TAKE A STICK AND SOME WAX
AND HAVE THE HAIR
ON THEIR VA-HOO-HOOS RIPPED OFF
AND BE--BE TEXTING
WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
"YES, MARIA.
I'M AT THE BRAZILIAN WAX PLACE.
"SHE'S VERY NICE.
VERY PROFESSIONAL.
"SHE TALKS A LITTLE BIT,
BUT NOT TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
"SHE'S VERY RESPECTFUL--
OKAY, DON'T FORGET THE BACK,
"DON'T FORGET THE BACK.
OKAY, GET READY.
"I'M COMING AT YOU.
I'M COMING AT YOU.
"HERE WE GO.
I'M GONNA GET READY.
"OKAY, I'M GONNA COME.
READY, HERE WE GO.
"GRAB IT, GRAB IT.
"OKAY, HOW MUCH I OWE YOU
FOR THAT?
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
HOW MUCH I OWE YOU FOR THAT?"
"GRAB IT."
I--"GRAB IT."
[laughs]
I DON'T KNOW IF MY WIFE
SAYS THAT,
BUT IT WOULD BE GREAIF SHE DID.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT OR WHAT?
"GRAB IT.
TAKE THE BIG STICK RIGHT NOW."
IT'S AMAZING.
I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,
I SAW MY WIFE, YOU KNOW,
DOING SOMETHING
I JUST--I JUST NEVER IMAGINED.
SHE'S TAKING, LIKE,
DENTAL FLOSS, AND...
[makes popping sound]
PLUCKING OUT HER EYEBROWS.
[makes popping sound]
WITH DENTAL FLOSS.
[makes popping sounds]
EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE,
THEY TRY TO DO IT TO US.
"HONEY, YOU GOT A HAIR THERE."
"WHAT?"
[makes popping sound]
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
THAT WAS CONNECTED
TO MY BRAIN."
'CAUSE, GUYS,
WE CAN'T DEAL WITH PAIN.
WE DON'T WANT PAIN.
WE TRY TO AVOID PAIN.
GUYS TRY TO AVOID PAIN
ALL THE TIME.
IT'S LIKE,
"OW, OW, GET THESE OFF OF ME.
I'M NEVER WEARING
THESE SOCKS AGAIN."
LIKE, "AH! AH, THIS T-SHIRHAS AN ITCHY TAG.
"FUCK ME.
OW. OW.
"AH! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE
A T-SHIRT WITH AN ITCHY TAG?
"THEY'RE INSANE.
"IT'S NICE, SOFT MATERIAL,
BUT THE NECK, IT'S SANDPAPER.
"I CAN'T DRIVE TONIGHT, HONEY.
YOU HAVE TO DRIVE.
I CAN'T. ITCHY TAG.
I'LL KILL US ALL."
WOMEN LOVE TO MOCK US ANY TIME
WE'RE IN PAIN.
"SERIOUSLY?
YOU'RE SAYING THAT HURTS,
SERIOUSLY?"
"YES, THAT HURTS.
THAT'S MY PENIS.
YOU'RE BENDING IT IN HALF."
"REALLY, THIS HURTS?"
"YES, THOSE ARE MY BALLS, HONEY.
YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP THEM
OFF MY BODY."
WOMEN, JUST BY THE VERY VIRTUE
OF BEING A WOMAN,
YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY
A SMELL DETECTIVE.
MY WIFE'S SENSE OF SMELL
IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...
[sniffs]
"DID YOU FART?"
"NO."
"OH, COME ON."
"MAYBE FOUR HOURS AGO."
"I KNEW IT!
I KNEW YOU FARTED IN MY CLOSEAT 4:45, YOU ASSHOLE."
"YOU ATE THAT CHEESECAKE.
I WAS SAVING THAT."
MAYBE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
MY WIFE'S CLOSET'S
RIDICULOUS, THOUGH.
I MEAN, WOMEN,
THEIR ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS
ARE INCREDIBLE.
YOU GO IN THERE,
YOU SEE MY WIFE, SHE'S GOWINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL.
SHE'S GOT, LIKE, FORMAL,
CASUAL, AND SLUTTY,
FORMAL SLUTTY, CASUAL SLUTTY,
SLUTTY SLUTTY,
AND THEN WHORE.
FORMAL WHORE, CASUAL WHORE,
SLUTTY WHORE, WHORE WHORE,
CRACK WHORE, THE WHOLE
WHORE ENSEMBLE, YOU KNOW.
GUYS ORGANIZE OURSELVES
DIFFERENTLY.
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAN.
WHAT THE FUCK?
THAT'S MORE THAN CLEAN ENOUGH
FOR WHAT I'M GONNA NEED IT FOR.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRASS, BUT I
HAVE LEARNED THAT SEXY TALK,
DIRTY TALK,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,
MUST ALWAYS BE INSTIGATED
BY THE WOMAN.
IF THE WOMAN STARTS IT,
IT'S FINE,
BUT IF THE GUY STARTS IT,
IT'S ALWAYS CREEPY.
YOU KNOW, IF THE WOMAN
STARTS THE DIRTY TALK--
"I JUST WANT YOU TO USE ME.
"JUST GET CRAZY.
"JUST PLEASURE YOURSELF.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME.
JUST USE ME, GET CRAZY."
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
BUT IF A GUY STARTS IT,
YOU KNOW...
[laughter]
"I JUST WANT TO USE YOU.
DO WHATEVER I WANT."
"I'M AT WORK, YOU FUCKING SICKO.
YOU'RE ON SPEAKERPHONE."
"I'M SORRY, HONEY.
"I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
I LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.
"I'M SORRY.
HEY, WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?
I'LL MAKE YOU DINNER, OKAY."
SO HERE'S THE THING, GUYS.
IF YOU DO HAVE SOME WEIRD,
SEXUAL FANTASY, DON'T TELL HER.
TRY IT ON HER,
BUT DON'T TELL HER, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE, IF YOU DO TELL HER,
SHE'LL NEVER FORGET IAND USE IT AGAINST YOU
TO HUMILIATE YOU
AT ALL INOPPORTUNE TIMES.
"HONEY, CAN YOU PLEASE
PASS THE CEREAL?"
"YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
AFTER THAT, PISS ON YOUR CHEST?"
"THAT'S OKAY,
I'LL GET THE CEREAL MYSELF.
"I'M CLOSER TO IT ANYWAY.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
THERE IT IS. LOOKY THERE.
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE."
SEE, HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
YOU KNOW,
IN SOME VERY REAL WAY,
YOU'VE SUPPLANTED MOMMY FOR US,
AND THAT'S WHY WE LIE TO YOU
ABOUT STUPID SHIT.
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANTO GET YELLED AT BY MOMMY.
SO WE REVERT TO THAT LITTLE BOY
THING, YOU KNOW.
"DID YOU FEED THE DOG
GARLIC FRIES?"
"NO."
"HE JUST TOOK A GARLIC DUMP
ON THE CARPET."
"I DON'T KNOW.
"MAYBE HE FIGURED OUHOW TO OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I DON'T KNOW."
"DID YOU USE
MY ANTIPERSPIRANT?"
"NO."
"THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF LONG ARMPIT HAIRS ON THERE."
"I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOUR HAIRBRUSH
AND THE WIND GOT TOGETHER."
"DID YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS
IN BED?"
"NO."
"SOMETHING SHARP JUST POKED ME
IN THE ASS."
"I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE BED BROKE A SPRING
OR SOMETHING."
"DID YOU TIVO
'HOT BOOTY MILFS'?"
"NO.
SOMETIMES THOSE MACHINES
JUST TURN THEMSELVES ON."
[laughter]
"DID YOU ORDER
A CHUCK NORRIS SWORD?"
"NO.
"IS IT HERE?
I MEAN...
"I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IIF IT'S HERE.
"I MEAN, SOMEBODY WANTED IT.
"I MEAN, IF IT'S HERE,
I'LL LOOK AT IT, I MEAN...
IF IT'S HERE."
YOU WOMEN LIE TO US ABOUT STUPID
SHIT TOO, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.
"HEY, HOW MUCH
WAS THAT COACH PURSE?"
"I DON'T KNOW. $30?
"MAYBE IT WAS FREE.
MAYBE THEY PAID ME
TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE STORE."
"THAT SHOE SAYS
'CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN.'
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
T.J. MAXX?
"MAYBE IT WAS IN THE CEREAL BOX.
I DON'T REMEMBER."
"DID YOU GEA COLLAGEN LIP INJECTION?"
"NO."
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME
IN THE FACE."
[laughter]
"DID YOU PUT A VOODOO DOLL
IN THE FREEZER?"
"NO."
"IT'S GOT A PICTURE
OF MY MOM'S FACE ON IWITH NEEDLES IN ITS EYES."
"I DIDN'T DO IT,
BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
WHOEVER DID IT OBVIOUSLY SPENA LOT OF TIME ON IT."
"OKAY, I GOT TO TAKE MY MOM
TO THE EYE DOCTOR NOW."
SO HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
WE LIE TO YOU ABOUT STUPID SHIT,
BUT WE NEED YOU TO LIE TO US
ABOUT THE IMPORTANT SHIT.
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE CAN'T TAKE IT.
WE HAVE VERY FRAGILE EGOS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE ASK
THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS.
PLEASE LIE TO US.
"SO HOW MANY, YOU KNOW,
"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE YOU,
YOU KNOW...
"BEFORE, YOU KNOW, DURING--
BEFORE ME, HAVE YOU SEXY TIME--
SEX, YOU KNOW,
OTHER SEX WITH OTHER?"
JUST LOOK US RIGHT IN THE EYE,
AND GO, "FOUR."
[laughter]
"SO HAVE YOU EVER TRIED,
YOU KNOW, A--
"A--ANAL...
ANAL SEX BEFORE?"
"EW, GROSS!
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A WHORE?
"DISGUSTING, EW.
"I'LL TRY IT IF YOU REALLY
WANT ME TOO, BUT EW.
DISGUSTING.
GROSS."
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
OF ALL--
"SO...
"YOU KNOW, DO I,
YOU KNOW...
"PLEASE YOU?
I MEAN, IS MY,
"YOU KNOW, DO YOU LIKE MY,
"YOU KNOW, MY PENIS,
I MEAN, THE--
"DO YOU LIKE THE TOP PAROF IT...THE GIRTH,
I MEAN, IS IT, AM I BIG--"
"OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE HUGE!
"THE FIRST TIME I SAW
YOUR PENIS, I WAS LIKE,
'WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH ALL THAT?'"
[applause]
"THANK YOU, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME,
"BUT I COULDN'T TAKE THE TRUTH.
"I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'D HANG MYSELF IN THE GARAGE.
"THANK YOU FOR LYING.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT."
WE'RE GUYS. WE'RE STUPID.
WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW
THE ANSWER,
BUT WE CAN'T HELP
BUT ASKING THE QUESTION.
IT'S--I STILL DO IT.
THE OTHER DAY, I BLURTED OUT,
"HONEY,
HOW MANY TIMES
DO YOU FAKE IT?"
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU MEAN,
LIKE, A PERCENTAGE?"
[laughter]
"YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A PERCENTAGE?
"THERE'S A NUMBER ON IT ALREADY?
WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
SHE GOES, "ABOUT 35%."
SHE GOES,
"AND THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
"YOU FAKE IT MORE THAN ONE
OUT OF EVERY THREE TIMES,
AND THAT'S GOOD?
HOW IS THAT GOOD?"
SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY.
YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE
MY FAKE ONES."
AND SHE'S RIGHT, WE DO.
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
OUR EGOS WON'T ALLOW US
TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE.
"OF COURSE SHE CAME.
HOW COULD SHE NOT?
"I WAS ON TOP OF HER
FOR ALMOST 45 SECONDS,
"AND THAT'S INCLUDING
THE TIMES I FELL OFF.
"SHE HAD TO COME.
I CAME.
"THAT'S PROOF RIGHT THERE.
"SOMETHING HAPPENED.
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING
FROM MY NECK UP.
"I GOT TO GO TO BED.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE."
THING IS, THOUGH, YOU KNOW,
GUYS' SEXUAL ENERGY,
SOMETIMES I CAN NEVER QUITE
GET A HANDLE ON IT.
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS AMAZED,
YOU KNOW, WITH GUYS.
IT'S LIKE,
"HOW CAN YOU BE AROUSED NOW?
WE'RE WATCHING 'BURIED ALIVE.'"
"I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
"MAYBE LATER WE COULD, YOU KNOW,
BURY SOMETHING ELSE.
"I WAS JUST THINKING,
GOT ME THINKING.
"GOT ME THINKING, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?
THINKING, YOU KNOW,
GOT ME THINKING."
FOR WOMEN, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
ALL THE HAIR HAS TO BE GONE,
OR ALL IN RIGHT DIRECTION,
RIGHT ENERGY, YOU KNOW.
THINGS CAN THROW WOMEN OFF
EASILY, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, AN UNMADE BED WILL THROW A
WOMAN OFF HER ENTIRE AFTERNOON.
AN UNMADE BED REPRESENTS CHAOS.
IT'S DISORIENTATING.
IT'S DISTRACTING FOR A WOMAN.
A WOMAN--A WOMAN CAN'T EVEN WALK
BY A ROOM WITH AN UNMADE BED
WITHOUT LIKE...
"WHAT IS THAT?
HOW CAN ANYBODY WALK BY THAT?"
"WATCH ME, HONEY.
CHECK IT OUT.
"LOOK, I'LL STARE
RIGHT FUCKING AT IT.
"DOES NOTHING TO ME.
DOESN'T CHANGE MY MOOD,
MY DEMEANOR WHATSOEVER."
SEE, AN UNMADE BED TO US GUYS
IS PURELY
A LOGIC AND LABOR ISSUE.
IT'S LIKE, WHY DO WE
BOTHER MAKING THIS THING
WHEN YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
IN 18 HOURS
WE'RE JUST GETTING
BACK IN IT ANYWAY.
LET'S ELIMINATE
THIS WHOLE MANUAL LABOR.
[laughter]
THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU DO GET BACK
IN IT 18 HOURS LATER,
YOU SPEND
THE FIRST HOUR AND A HALF
KICKING THE SHEET OUWITH YOUR FOOT.
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, MY FOOT'S
STUCK IN THE SHEET NOOSE.
[grunts]
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WANT TO GO TO BED,
WE GO TO BED,
WANT TO GO TO SLEEP,
WE GO TO SLEEP,
BUT IF WE'RE IN BED
AND WE'RE AWAKE,
WE WANT SOMETHING.
WOMEN KNOW THIS INTRINSICALLY.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN TRY TO SNEAK
IN BED LATE AT NIGHT.
IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, SHH.
"JUST GONNA OPEN UP THE SHEEJUST A LITTLE BIT.
"OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA
PUT IN ONE TOE.
"JUST ONE TOE.
"JUST HALF A CHEEK,
HALF A CHEEK.
"SHH, SHH, I'M ALMOST IN.
"I'M ALMOST IN.
SHH. SHH.
"OKAY, ALMOST IN. SHH.
"OH, YOU'RE UP.
"WELL, I'M GONNA GO DO LAUNDRY
FOR TWO HOURS.
"IS IT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?
"I'M GONNA REARRANGE
THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE.
"THIS SHOULD GO OVER HERE.
THIS LAMP DOESN'NEED TO BE HERE."
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, LADIES?
COME ON, WE'RE BOTH HORIZONTAL.
WE DON'T HAVE
AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING
AT THIS PART OF THE EVENING.
WOULDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH ENERGY,
JUST ONE OF US TO LEAN ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.
TRUST US, IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE
THAT LONG.
"NO.
WHY?
"BECAUSE I'M TIRED.
IF YOU WANTED TO,
YOU COULD'VE DONE IT EARLIER."
"EARLIER?
WHEN, IN THE AFTERNOON?
SO I'D HAVE TO MAKE
THE BED ANOTHER FUCKING TIME."
[laughter]
NEXT TIME SHE SAYS THAT, GUYS,
TAKE HER UP ON IT.
COME HOME IN THE AFTERNOON,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE
THE BED AGAIN IF YOU DO IIN THE LIVING ROOM.
HA, HA!
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THIS
TO THE COUCH.
AND MAYBE THIS.
"I CLEANED IT UP, HONEY!
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO."
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING
TO A WOMAN,
BECAUSE WOMEN
ARE MORE VULNERABLE.
WOMEN WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT THEY EXPERIENCE,
TO FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN
WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED
TO THEM DURING THE DAY.
NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO A WOMAN
DURING THE DAY IS INSIGNIFICANT.
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS
TO A WOMAN DURING THE DAY
IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EVENT,
WHICH MUST BE RETOLD
IN GREAT DETAIL.
WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU
ABOUT HER DAY,
IT ACTUALLY TAKES LONGER
TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DAY
THAN THE FUCKING DAY
TOOK ORIGINALLY.
THE MOST DANGEROUS QUESTION
YOU CAN EVER ASK,
"OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?"
"HOW WAS MY DAY?
HANG ON."
[laughter]
"ANYWAY, CAROL COME OVER.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP.
"SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
SHE DOESN'T CALL.
"SHE DOESN'T TEXT.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP, YOU KNOW?
"ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUSTALKING ABOUT HERSELF,
"'CAUSE SHE'S DEPRESSED,
"AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
"AND SHE'S DEPRESSED.
"AND OF COURSE
SHE CAN'T SEE THAT,
"BECAUSE THAT WOULD TAKE
SOME INTROSPECTION ON HER PART,
"AND SHE'S INCAPABLE
OF DOING THAT.
"ANYWAY, OF COURSE,
SHE NEVER ASKED ME
"ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF,
'CAUSE WHY--
THAT WOULD--CARE ABOUT SOMETHING
"OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.
"SHE'S INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT,
BUT ANYWAY.
"SO SHE'S TALKING, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE STARTS CRYING,
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THE CRYING
THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE CRYING
LIKE [whimpers]
"YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU FEEL
SORRY FOR HER.
"IT'S ALWAYS
ONE OF THESE CRYINGS
"WHERE THEY JUST LOSE IT,
LIKE, [moans].
"IT'S LIKE, GET HER OUT OF HERE,
YOU KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING.
"ANYWAY, AND SO SHE'S TALKING,
"AND I GOT TO PICK UP
THE DRY CLEANING, YOU KNOW.
"I GOT TO GO PICK UP THE KIDS,
RIGHT?
"AND I GOT TO GET UP, YOU KNOW.
MY MOTHER'S WAITING FOR ME.
"AND SHE'S TALKING, TALKING,
AND FINALLY, I GOT THE CAR KEYS,
"GOING, 'HELLO, CAROL, OTHER
HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET,
"'HELLO, HELLO,' AND FINALLY,
I'M IN THE CAR,
"I'M DRIVING AWAY,
HER UTERUS FALLS OUT.
"I'M EMBARRASSED.
SHE'S EMBARRASSED.
HER UTERUS IS EMBARRASSED."
GUYS DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION.
DO I NEED TO REMEMBER ANY
OF THIS BULLSHIT FOR LATER?
CAN ANY OF THIS COME BACK
AND BITE ME IN THE BALLS?
AFTER A WHILE,
GUYS GET PRETTY GOOD.
THEY CAN PRETEND
THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN WHATHEIR WIFE'S SAYING.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
THEY CAN THROW IN ONE OF THESE.
"NO!
SHE DID NOT.
THAT BITCH."
YOU CAN USUALLY SNEAK
OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER THIS.
"YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
TO HER."
BUT GUYS FRUSTRATE WOMEN.
WE DO, BECAUSE GUYS
COMPARTMENTALIZE.
GUYS BREAK UP THEIR LIVES
IN DIFFERENT SEGMENTS.
WOMEN HATE THABECAUSE THEY FEEL EXCLUDED.
WOMEN DON'T WANT TO FEEL
EXCLUDED, YOU KNOW.
GUYS PUT THEIR FRIENDS HERE
AND THEIR WORK HERE
AND THEIR FAMILY HERE,
THEIR MOM HERE,
THEIR KIDS HERE,
AND THEIR WIFE HERE.
WOMEN HATE THAT.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN HATE FOR US
TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT THEM.
"IS THAT FUN?
WHY CAN'T I GO?
"I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
"IF IT'S SO FUN,
BRING ME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A LITTLE FUN WITH ME?"
GOD FORBID YOU EVER HAVE FUN
WITHOUT YOUR WOMAN AROUND.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY IWAY THE FUCK DOWN.
"SO HOW WAS
THE BACHELOR PARTY?"
"FUCKING SUCKED.
"I WAS BORED TO TEARS
WITH ALL THOSE...TITS.
"COULDN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY
FROM THOSE...TITS.
"I WAS DYING
TO COME HOME TO YOU
"TO HEAR HOW YOUR DAY WAS.
LET ME GET THESE SPARKLES
OFF ME."
[laughter]
[grunts]
OF THE HUNTER-GATHERERS,
YOU LADIES ARE THE GATHERERS.
WOMEN ARE MULTITASKERS.
WOMEN ARE CAPABLE
OF DOING TWO, THREE,
SOMETIMES FIVE THINGS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME,
BUT YET INCAPABLE
OF JUST DOING ONE THING.
WOMEN NEED TWO OR THREE
TO FEEL IN THEIR GROOVE.
NOW, MULTITASKING
IS JUST A NICER WAY
OF SAYING "SCHIZOPHRENIC."
GUYS ARE SINGLE-TASKERS,
SINGLE-FOCUSED BEINGS.
WE DO ONE THING,
PRETTY GOOD AT THE ONE THING,
BUT ONLY ONE THING,
WHICH FRUSTRATES WOMEN
TO NO END BECAUSE WOMEN
CAN DO SO MANY THINGS.
YOU KNOW, WOMEN LOSE IT ON US
ALL THE TIME,
WHERE IT'S LIKE,
"DID YOU NOT HEAR THE KIDS
"DOWN HERE FIGHTING
AND BREAKING SHIT?
COULD YOU NOHEAR ANY OF THAT?"
"I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
I'M MAKING A FUCKING SANDWICH.
"WHAT HAPPENED?
"WE HAVE KIDS?
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
THIS IS SHII NEED TO KNOW."
YEAH, WOMEN CAN'T TURN IT OFF,
AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.
EVEN DURING SEX,
WOMEN ARE STILL THINKING
ABOUT ALL KINDS
OF OTHER THINGS.
GUYS, IF YOU'RE JUST LEARNING
ABOUT THIS NOW, I'M SORRY.
I KNOW IT'S A BIG BLOW
TO OUR EGOS.
NO MATTER HOW WELL WE THINK
WE'RE PERFORMING,
WITH THAT ONE ARM UP THERE,
SUCKING IN YOUR GUT.
OOH.
WITH THAT SEXY LOOK
ON YOUR FACE...
DOESN'T MATTER.
IN HER HEAD,
SHE'S THINKING...
"WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR
TO THAT BABY SHOWER?
"I'M THIRSTY.
"WHAT DID I EAT TONIGHT?
I FEEL GASSY.
"HE BETTER FINISH SOON...
"OR I MIGHT HAVE
TO FAKE ONE.
"DID HE LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?
"HE'S NOT COMPLAINING
ABOUT THOSE CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN
SHOES NOW, IS HE?"
THAT'S WHY
IT'S IMPORTANT, GUYS,
ALWAYS REMEMBER,
DURING SEX,
ALWAYS GIVE A LITTLE SLAP
ON THE ASS, LIKE,
"HEY!
"FOCUS!
"I'M INSIDE YOU
RIGHT NOW!
TAKE CARE
OF THAT OTHER SHIT LATER!"
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[cheering]
[cheers and applause]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ROB SCHNEIDER.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU,
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.
BOY, YOU'VE GOSOME TRAFFIC OUT HERE.
HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT TRAFFIC.
L.A.'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU GUYS.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD TRAFFIC
WHEN I'M GETTING RECOGNIZED
IN TRAFFIC.
"DUDE, WHAT'S UP?"
I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE
BEEN FAMOUS, IT'S STILL WEIRD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD
GETTING RECOGNIZED,
SOMETIMES MORE FUN
THAN OTHER TIMES.
I LIKE IT WHEN OLDER,
BLACK WOMEN RECOGNIZE ME
'CAUSE OLDER BLACK WOMEN MAKE
YOU PROVE WHO YOU ARE.
"TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
[laughter]
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME.
YOU TELL ME WHY I KNOW YOU."
"I DON'T KNOW.
I'M AN ACTOR, ROB SCHNEIDER."
"YOU AIN'T NO ROB SNYDER."
[laughter]
"ROB SNYDER AIN'T NO MIDGET,
BABY. MM-MM."
[laughter]
"CHECK OUTHIS DWARF-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER
"SAYING HE'S ROB SNYDER.
MM-MM, BABY, MM-MM."
SOMETIMES PEOPLE SEE ME
AND EXPECT ME
TO PERFORM LIKE I'M SOME KIND
OF TRAINED SEAL
OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
"WHY DON'T YOU DO A SCENE
FROM ONE OF YOUR MOVIES?"
"WHAT?"
"YOU KNOW, LIKE THA'SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' MOVIE."
"FIRST OF ALL, I WASN'T EVEN
IN THAT MOVIE.
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE. COME ON.
YOU A ACTOR, AIN'T YOU?"
[laughter]
SEE, HERE'S THE WEIRD THING
ABOUT BEING FAMOUS.
YOU KNOW, I'M USUALLY
A NICE GUY. I'LL SAY HI.
I'LL TAKE A PICTURE WITH PEOPLE.
I'LL SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH.
BUT LET'S SAY
I HAVE A BAD MOMENT.
IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW?
THAT'LL PROBABLY BE
THE ONLY INTERACTION I HAVE
WITH THAT PARTICULAR PERSON
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE,
TV SHOW I EVER MAKE,
ALL THEY'RE GONNA REMEMBER IS,
LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S THAT ASSHOLE
THAT KICKED MY CHILD
IN THE FACE," YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
[imitates thud]
[laughter]
PEOPLE HAVE NO PROBLEM COMING UP
TO ME AND SAYING, LIKE,
"HEY, YOU LOOK SHORIN PERSON."
"THANK YOU."
"NO, BUT IN A WEIRD,
UNHEALTHY WAY,
"LIKE SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH YOU.
"CAN YOU DRIVE A NORMAL CAR?
"DO BOTH YOUR KIDNEYS WORK?
"WHEN YOU GO
TO A SPORTING EVENT,
"DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO
PICK YOU UP TO USE THE URINAL?
DO YOU LIVE
AS LONG AS A TORTOISE?"
YOU KNOW,
I GET ALL THAT SHIT.
ONE THING THAT SUCKS
ABOUT BEING SHORT, YOU KNOW,
YOU GO SOMEWHERE,
AND A GIRL WANTS
TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU.
SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND YOU,
AND SHE WALKS AWAY, YOU GOTHAT WHITE ANTIPERSPIRANT STAIN
RIGHT THERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
SHE GOT ME OVER HERE TOO!
THAT'S A HUGE BITCH.
YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, IT'S NICE TO BE
UP HERE, I TELL YOU.
WHEW!
I'M TIRED THOUGH, MAN.
IN MY 40s NOW. OH!
GOT TO PACE YOURSELF
IN YOUR 40s, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, YOU KNOW,
THEY GET COCKY, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s ARE LIKE,
"IN MY 20s. I CAN PARTY.
"IN MY 20s. PARTIED LAST NIGHT.
I'LL PARTY AGAIN TONIGHT.
"I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO WORK.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
"PARTY. 20s.
20s. PARTY."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s ARE LIKE,
"I CAN PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
BUT I CHOOSE NOT TO."
[laughter]
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
"IF I PARTY AGAIN TOMORROW,
"I WILL FUCKING DIE.
"I HAD THREE GLASSES
OF WINE.
"I CAN'T GO TO WORK THIS WEEK.
I CAN'T.
"I FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT.
"I STAYED UP,
AND I WATCHED THE NEWS.
"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!
"I CAN ONLY COMMUNICATE
THROUGH BLINKING
AND HAND GESTURES
AT THIS POINT."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s ARE ALWAYS
PUTTING ON THEIR SWEATPANTS
WITH NO INTENTION AT ALL
OF WORKING OUT.
"WANT TO GO OUT, HONEY?
"YEAH, LET ME PUT ON
MY SWEATPANTS.
"THEN I'LL BE ABLE
TO GO OUT, MAYBE.
"GO TO A RESTAURANT, SIT DOWN
WITHOUT RUPTURING A TESTICLE.
SEE A MOVIE, CROSS MY LEGS.
MIX IT UP."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
YOU KNOW--IN YOUR 20s,
YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY,
IT'S LIKE,
"YEAH, LET ME GET SOME CONDOMS,
LIQUOR, CANDY."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s,
METAMUCIL,
CHEATER GLASSES,
FLOMAX...
AND CANDY.
I STILL LIKE CANDY.
IN YOUR 40s, PEOPLE SAY THIS
TO YOU, "HEY, YOU LOOK...GOOD."
IS THAT A LITTLE PAUSE?
'CAUSE BASICALLY THEY'RE SAYING,
"HEY, YOU LOOK...
"KIND OF FUCKED UP.
"YOU LOOK LIKE
A FUCKED UP VERSION
"OF WHAYOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
"BUT FOR A FUCKED UP VERSION
OF WHAT YOU USED TO LOOK LIKE,
YOU LOOK GOOD."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s AREN'T SHY
OR EMBARRASSED AT ALL
ABOUT BUYING SUPPLIES
FOR THEIR ASSHOLE.
"I NEED SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S ON FIRE.
"YEAH, MY ASSHOLE. I NEED
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S KILLING ME.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
"I DROP MY PANTS, I LOOK
LIKE I GOT A BABOON'S ASS.
"HONEY, I'M GETTING
SOMETHING FOR MY ASSHOLE.
"IT'S KILLING ME.
"AISLE 12? OKAY, AISLE 12.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME, GETTING SOMETHING
FOR MY ASSHOLE."
[laughter]
YOU GET EASILY INJURED TOO
IN YOUR 40s.
YOU KNOW, YOU BECOME FRAGILE.
ANYTHING CAN MESS YOU UP,
AND IT'S LIKE,
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, DID YOU
USE MY PILLOW LAST NIGHT?
"I'M FUCKED UP NOW.
LOOK AT ME.
"THAT'S MY PILLOW
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
"THAT'S WHY
IT'S ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
"AND WHERE'S MY ASS PILLOW?
"THE PILLOW FOR MY ASS?
"NOW MY HIPS ARE OUT.
MY NECK'S OUT, MY HIPS ARE OUT.
"I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THE NEXT...
FUCKED UP.
I'M IN MY 40s."
PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s,
THEY HEAR...
[beatboxing]
"HEY, MAN,
WE GOT TO GET IN THERE, MAN."
[beatboxing]
"DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY
AT THE DOOR?"
[beatboxing]
"HEY, MAN,
LOOK AT THOSE CHICKS IN LINE."
[beatboxing]
PEOPLE IN THEIR 40s HEAR...
[beatboxing]
"TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!"
[laughter]
"I'M TRYING
TO PUT ON MY SWEATPANTS!"
[laughter]
I KNOW I'M IN MY 40s NOW,
BECAUSE WHEN I JERK OFF
STANDING UP,
I GET WINDED.
[laughter]
I DON'T REMEMBER THAIN MY 20s OR 30s.
I GOT TO FINISH THE REST OF
THIS ONE SITTING DOWN, I THINK.
[laughter]
"THIS IS TAKING MORE ENERGY
THAN I'VE ALLOCATED FOR.
"LET'S JUST CALL THIS ONE
A DRAW, BUDDY.
"WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
COME ON.
"YOU DID YOUR BEST.
I DID MY BEST.
LET'S WALK AWAY WITH ONE
OF OUR HEADS HELD HIGH."
[laughter]
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I WALK.
I HAVE
A REASON TO BE TIRED NOW.
MY WIFE JUST HAD
A BABY LAST MONTH,
AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[cheers and applause]
SHE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.
YOU KNOW, SHE--YOU KNOW,
SHE STILL WANTS TO DO THINGS,
YOU KNOW.
HAVE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW.
LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
LEARN HOW TO READ,
ALL THIS DUMB SHIT,
YOU KNOW, AND IT'S LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
SHE'S GONNA BE 30
IN ABOUT 10 YEARS,
SO I'M REALLY HAPPY
ABOUT THAT.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.
MAYBE IT'S JUS'CAUSE I'M OLDER,
BUT THE AMAZING THING
ABOUT 'EM, YOU KNOW,
MAKING A HUMAN BEING,
MAKING A BABY.
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IT'S JUSAMAZING, YOU KNOW? HUH?
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
COME IN HER, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN--NO, NO, NO, IT WAS
MORE THAN THAT. I'M SORRY.
NO. I ALSO, YOU KNOW, I HAD
TO CHOKE HER A LITTLE BIT,
I'LL BE HONEST, YOU KNOW.
AH, NO, NOT TILL
SHE PASSED OUT,
JUST TILL
SHE GOT LITTLE WOOZY.
YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME FUN.
LET'S MIX IT UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LET'S MIX IT UP, YOU KNOW.
HAVE SOME FUN, YOU KNOW,
BUT, UM...
IT'S AMAZING. MY WIFE,
SHE'S MEXICAN, YOU KNOW.
HER NAME'S--
HER NAME'S "PA-TREE-SEE-A."
I THINK
THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE IT.
I'M NOT 100% SURE.
I JUST RUN BY QUICKLY
AND MUMBLE.
[mumbling rapidly]
PATRICIA,
WANNA MOVE THE CAR?
I LIKE MEXICANS THOUGH
'CAUSE THEY ALL HAVE NICKNAMES,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, HER NAME'S PATRICIA,
BUT HER NICKNAME IS PETITA.
THAT'S CUTE, HUH?
PETITA.
"COMO ESTAS, PETITA?"
HER FRIENDS CALL HER.
"HOLA, PETITA."
"BUENOS DIAS, PETITA."
IT'S CUTE, HUH?
HER NICKNAME FOR ME IS,
"YOU ARE A LIAR
"AND A PERVERT.
"WHY DO YOU WANTO STICK IT IN THERE?
"YOU'RE A PERVERAND A LIAR.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WARN
SOMEBODY."
SHE'S A NICE GIRL, THOUGH.
ANYWAY, WE HAVE
A NEW BABY.
HER NAME IS, UH--WELL,
MY WIFE CALLS HER "MEE-RAN-DA."
IT'S LIKE, "CAN WE
JUST CALL HER 'MIRANDA,'
SO WE CAN GET HER
INTO A GOOD SCHOOL?"
YOU KNOW, BUT, UH...
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHAT A WOMAN
HAS TO GO THROUGH.
I NEVER REALLY REALIZED IT,
BUT, LIKE,
I MEAN, SHE'S BREASTFEEDING.
I MEAN,
THIS IS HOW TOUGH IT IS.
A PIECE OF MY WIFE'S NIPPLE
ACTUALLY FELL OFF.
SHE'S STILL HAVING TO BREASTFEED
EVERY TWO, THREE HOURS.
YOU KNOW, IF A PIECE
OF MY PENIS FELL OFF,
THAT'S ONE DEAD FUCKING BABY
RIGHT THERE, SO--
"THAT IS IT.
NO MORE FOR YOU.
"YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF,
OBVIOUSLY.
THAT IS IT."
THEN AGAIN, FEEDING
YOUR BABY WITH A PENIS
BRINGS UP
A WHOLE OTHER SET OF PROBLEMS
AND ISSUES THAT I DON'WANT TO GET INTO.
[laughter]
SEE, YOU KNOW, THANK GOD
WE GOT THE ABUELITA THERE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S, YOU KNOW,
SPANISH FOR, YOU KNOW,
GRANDMA,
DOMESTIC SERVANT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE--
IT'S AMAZING.
SHE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD
'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WASTE MY
TIME TALKING TO HER, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST A LOT OF
"UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
"UH-HUH.
OKAY, TAKE THE FUCKING BABY.
OKAY, GOOD. OKAY,
I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT."
[laughs]
BUT ANYWAY,
SHE'S AMAZING THOUGH.
I CALL HER
"THE BABY WHISPERER."
YEAH.
NO, BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING.
SHE MAKES THIS SOUND,
AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE A--
IT'S LIKE A "SHH"
AND A WHISTLE.
IT'S LIKE...
[whistling, exhaling]
AND IT'S REALLY HYPNOTIZING.
THE BABY COULD BE, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, VOMITING,
POOPING, CRYING, LIKE...
[imitates baby wailing]
AND SHE GOES...
[whistling, exhaling]
AND THE BABY'S LIKE...
[laughter]
IT'S INCREDIBLE,
YOU KNOW?
SHE DOES THE SAME THING
AT CUSTOMS, YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
"I NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE
A VISA HERE."
[whistling, exhaling]
[imitates stamping]
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
"I NOTICE YOU HAVE
A LIVE CHICKEN IN YOUR LUGGAGE."
[whistling, exhaling]
"WELCOME TO AMERICA.
PLEASE COME ON THROUGH."
IT'S AMAZING WHAT MY WIFE
HAS JUST GONE THROUGH.
IT'S INCREDIBLE, YOU KNOW.
I FEEL BAD FOR HER, YOU KNOW?
THERE'S NOT A LOT I COULD DO.
SHE LOST A PIECE OF HER NIPPLE,
IT'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU LOSA PIECE OF YOUR NIPPLE?
"HERE, WATCH
WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TV.
"HELP YOURSELF, PLEASE.
LEAST I CAN DO."
SHE LIKES TO WATCH
THESE REALITY SHOWS, YOU KNOW?
I HATE WATCHING
THESE REALITY SHOWS
'CAUSE THEN YOU GET ADDICTED TO
WATCHING THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?
THEN YOU STARPLANNING YOUR LIFE.
"HONEY, IT'S 9:00.
WE GOT TO GET HOME.
"WE CAN'T MISS 'HOARDERS.'
"NO, THIS WEEK'S GONNA BE
DIFFERENT THAN LAST WEEK.
"THE PILES OF SHIARE GONNA BE DIFFERENTHAN LAST WEEK'S PILES
OF SHIT."
[laughter]
YOU KNOW,
"HOARDERS" IS ON A&E,
YOU KNOW,
THE MISERY CHANNEL.
EVERY SHOW ON THERE
IS LIKE, "HEY, HONEY,
"THIS GUY
WEIGHS 800 POUNDS.
"HE CAN'T TIE HIS SHOES
OR WIPE HIS ASS.
"LET'S WATCH THIS
FOR THE NEXT HOUR.
"HE'S REALLY SUFFERING.
THIS COULD BE
ENTERTAINING FOR US."
ON "HOARDERS," THE PROBLEM
IS SO OBVIOUS.
YOU GOT A HOUSE
FILLED WITH GARBAGE.
YOU CAN THROW IT OUT.
THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, THEY BRING--
THESE PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZERS
COME OVER,
AND THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING
'CAUSE THEY'RE OVERLY NICE
TO THESE SICK BASTARDS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"SO TELL ME,
"WHAT DID THIS ROOM HERE
USED TO BE
"BEFORE YOU TURNED IINTO A TOILET?
WHAT WAS THIS?"
YOU KNOW?
THE IDEA OF THE SHOW IS TO GETHEM TO THROW AWAY THEIR STUFF,
AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING AWAY
'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS VALUABLE
TO THESE SICKOS, YOU KNOW?
THEY ARGUE ABOUT THROWING
ANYTHING AWAY.
THEY SAY,
"WHAT ARE YOU THROWING AWAY?
"WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?
"THAT'S A DEAD CAT.
"WHY WOULD YOU
THROW THAT AWAY?
"THAT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD
DEAD CAT RIGHT THERE.
"IT'S STILL GOT A HUNK OF FUR
AND A CLAW ON IT.
"THIS GUY'S TRYING TO
"BREAK UP OUR DEAD CACOLLECTION, HONEY.
"THAT'S THE BEST ONE!
"NOW WHAT ARE YOU
THROWING AWAY?
THAT Q-TIP'S STILL GOOD
ON THE OTHER SIDE! COME ON!"
[laughter]
BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SHOW, IT'S COMING BACK.
"HOARDERS" IS COMING BACK
AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.
IT'S GONNA BE ON A&E,
9:00, MONDAY NIGHTS.
WATCH IT WITH YOUR WIVES,
WATCH IT WITH YOUR HUSBANDS,
WATCH IT WITH YOUR KIDS,
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE DONE
WATCHING THE SHOW?
YOU CLEAN THE HOUSE TILL 3:00
IN THE FUCKING MORNING.
IT'S LIKE, "WE'RE FUCKED UP TOO.
LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT.
"THEY COULD HAVE AN EPISODE HERE
TOMORROW, HONEY.
GO OUT FRONT AND SEE
IF THERE'S A CAMERA CREW."
[laughter]
PATRICIA THINKS
I'M A HOARDER
IF I DON'T THROW
THE NEWSPAPER--
"YOU'RE A NEWSPAPER HOARDER!
YOU CAN'T EVEN THROW AWAY
A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOARDER!"
"HONEY,
IT'S TODAY'S PAPER."
"IT'S 5:00.
YOU'RE A HOARDER."
"WELL, YOU HAVE
85 PAIRS OF SHOES."
"YEAH, THAT'S
BECAUSE I'M A GOOD SHOPPER.
"I NEED EVERY ONE
OF THOSE PAIRS OF SHOES.
CHEWS, C-H-E-W-S,
CHEWS."
[laughter]
MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO CUBACK. YOU KNOW, THIS ECONOMY.
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, YOU KNOW?
GOT TO CUT BACK WHERE YOU CAN,
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE EVEN TIME TO GET RID
OF STUFF. THERE'S AN IDEA.
GET RID OF STUFF
YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE.
MY FAVORITE COMMERCIAL ON TV
RIGHT NOW IS,
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED GOLD."
[laughter]
UNWANTED GOLD?
IT'S FUCKING GOLD.
WHO HAS UNWANT--?
"HONEY, WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
"GOLD?
GET RID OF IT!
"IT'S EMBARRASSING!
"WE GOT FRIENDS
COMING OVER,
"THERE'S FUCKING GOLD
EVERYWHERE!
GET THIS SINGLE MOST PRECIOUS
HEAVY METAL OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"
I'M GONNA PUT A COMMERCIAL ON TV
JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
"GET RID
OF YOUR UNWANTED CASH."
[laughter]
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE
IN THE ECONOMY, THOUGH.
IT'S TOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL IT.
I FEEL IT, YOU KNOW.
WELL, I DON'T FEEL IT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I HEAR SHIFROM A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
WE DRIVE BY PEOPLE.
"HONEY, THOSE PEOPLE LOOK
FUCKED UP. LET'S KEEP GOING.
COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING."
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP?
'CAUSE YOU SEE--
YOU SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE,
AND SOME OF 'EM ARE WHITE,
YOU GO, "OH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.
"COME ON, LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY LOOK LIKE US, HONEY.
"KEEP GOING. DON'T LOOK AT THEM,
DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"
NO MATTER
WHERE THE ECONOMY GOES,
SOME THINGS
YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT.
I GOT TO KEEP MY DOG,
AND I LIKE MY DOG,
BUT I'M NOT ONE
OF THESE DELUSIONAL DOG OWNERS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"MY DOG LOVES ME.
I KNOW MY DOG LOVES ME.
MY DOG--"
I'M SORRY, YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR DOG LOVES YOU, OKAY?
HE'S ANOTHER SPECIES.
HE MAY LIKE YOU.
HE MAY TOLERATE YOU,
BUT YOU NOTICE,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM
ON A LEASH
OR BEHIND THE FENCE
OR INSIDE THE HOUSE.
OTHERWISE, HE'D PROBABLY
FUCKING GO SOMEPLACE BETTER.
[laughter]
YOU WANT TO SEE
IF HE LOVES YOU? LET HIM GO.
SEE IF HE FUCKING COMES BACK.
THEN MAYBE HE LOVES YOU.
I LIKE MY DOG,
BUT I DON'T DELUDE MYSELF.
I THINK
MY DOG'S SMART ENOUGH.
I THINK MY DOG GETS WHATHE BASIS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS
BETWEEN ME AND HIM.
MY DOG LOOKS AT ME LIKE...
[laughter]
"HE'S GOT MORE FOOD!"
[laughter]
"HE'S A GENIUS
AT FINDING FOOD!
"ALL DAY LONG HE COMES BACK
WITH MORE AND MORE FOOD!
"I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OTHER
THINGS TO GET EXCITED ABOUT!
"HE CUT MY BALLS OFF.
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
"I JUST WENT SOMEWHERE,
I FELL ASLEEP,
"AND I WOKE UP
WITH NO BALLS.
YEP, THEY'RE STILL GONE."
I THINK MY DOG,
IN THAT SMALL BRAIN OF HIS,
BELIEVES IT'S A FAIR EXCHANGE,
'CAUSE EVERY DAY,
I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD,
PICKING UP HIS SHIT.
[laughter]
"WHAT DOES HE WANWITH MY SHIT?"
[laughter]
"EVERY DAY, HE'S IN
THE BACKYARD, LOOKING AROUND.
HE'S NOT SATISFIED
UNTIL HE FINDS MY SHIT."
[laughter]
"THAT'S LAST WEEK'S SHIT.
"WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY
WANT WITH LAST WEEK'S SHIT?
"HE'S A SHIT HOARDER.
"I'M OWNED
BY A SHIT HOARDER.
"I'LL MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING
FOR HIM TODAY.
"I'LL LEAVE ONE
BY HIS PILLOW.
"HE WON'T EVEN NEED TO GO
OUTSIDE FOR THAT ONE.
"HE CAN JUST ROLL OVER.
"IT'LL BE RIGHT THERE,
WAITING FOR HIM.
"HELLO, MASTER.
HOW ARE YOU?
"I WAS JUST LEAVING YOU
A LITTLE PRESENT,
"SOMETHING I KNOW
YOU'LL LOVE.
"WHY IS HE HITTING
WITH A NEWSPAPER?
"AH! AH! HE'S CRAZY.
OUTSIDE HE LOVES IT.
"HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
HE LOOKS EVERYWHERE FOR IT.
"UNDER TREES, IN
THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN, IN BUSHES.
"INSIDE, HE HITS ME.
"IT'S THE SAME SHIT,
"AND THIS IS A NEW ONE,
STILL WARM.
YOU DON'T APPRECIATE SHIT."
[laughter]
MY WIFE WANTED HER OWN DOG.
SHE'S MEXICAN, SO WE HAD
TO GET A PIT BULL, YOU KNOW.
HAVING A PIT BULL MAKES
SOME THINGS MORE INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW, YOU THROW A BALL,
HE COMES BACK WITH AN ARM.
"JESUS CHRIST.
GET IN THE VAN.
NOW WE HAVE TO LEAVE
BECAUSE OF YOU. COME ON."
EVERYTHING'S ABOUT MONEY NOW
IN SOCIETY, YOU KNOW?
EVEN BEFORE YOU GET ON A PLANE,
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT.
THEY LET YOU KNOW
WHO HAS MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL DIAMOND ELITE FLIERS.
"DIAMOND ELITE,
1K MILLION MILE FLIERS
"ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL EMERALD GOLD FLIERS.
"EMERALD GOLD, 1K MILLION MILE
FLIERS ARE WEL--
NOW BOARDING ALL SILVER
MEDALLION FLIERS."
THEY WORK THEIR WAY DOWN
TO YOU, YOU KNOW.
"NOW BOARDING
ALL TIN FOIL TURD FLIERS.
"THE REST OF YOU LOSERS
AND MUTANTS
ARE WELCOME TO BOARD
AT THIS TIME."
WE'RE LIKE,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH
"FOR LETTING ME
ON THE P-P-PLANE
"WITH ALL
THE NORMAL P-P-PEOPLE.
WHICH SEADO I CLIMB UNDERNEATH?"
[laughter]
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO CHEAP,
THE AIRLINES, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE,
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT NOW,
YOU KNOW?
WE'RE USED TO THAT.
YOU WANT TO CHECK A BAG,
YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT.
IT'S LIKE, "YOU WANT TO FLY
SOMEWHERE,
"AND YOU WANT TO CHANGE CLOTHES
WHEN YOU GET THERE?
"THAT'S ANOTHER $40, ASSHOLE,
LET'S GO. COME ON, COME ON.
OTHERWISE JUST WEAR THAT T-SHIRTHE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE THERE."
THEY'RE SO CHEAP, AND GET READY
FOR THIS, SAN JOSEANS.
[laughter]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
THEY CALL YOU,
BUT IT'S GOOD ENOUGH,
YOU KNOW?
DO YOU WANT TO SIBY THE WINDOW OR THE AISLE,
OR, GOD FORBID,
TOGETHER NEXT YEAR?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY
A SURCHARGE FOR THAT.
YEAH. GOD FORBID THERE'S ANY
TURBULENCE ON THESE FLIGHTS.
"IN CASE OF LOSS
OF CABIN PRESSURE,
"PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD
IN THE SLOT IN FRONT OF YOU,
"AND IF YOUR CREDIT CARD
IS GOOD,
"AN OXYGEN MASK WILL DROP
FROM THE CEILING.
"OTHERWISE, THANK YOU FOR
FLYING AMERICAN AIRLINES.
"IN CASE OF A WATER LANDING,
FOR $9.99, YOU CAN PURCHASE
A FLOATATION DEVICE."
LIKE, "HEY! THAT SHIT SHOULD
COME WITH THE CRASH!
THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED
IN THE DISASTER!"
BY THE WAY,
TO BE A T.S.A. AGENT,
DO YOU HAVE TO PROMISE
TO NEVER WORK OUT AGAIN?
DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH
TO ONLY EAT PUDDING?
PROMISE TO NEVER GO
NEAR A TREADMILL OR A GYM AGAIN?
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,
'CAUSE THE SHOE BOMBER,
YOU KNOW.
CAN'T HAVE ANY LIQUIDS,
THE LIQUIDS BOMBER.
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT YOUR COMPUTER
OUT IN ITS OWN BIN,
BECAUSE THE COMPUTER BOMBER.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR,
THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER.
YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BELT OFF,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW DANGEROUS A BELCOULD BE, RIGHT?
I COULD PUT ION THE PILOT'S HEAD
AND FUCKING CHOKE HIM OUWITH IT.
TAKE THAT LITTLE METAL PIECE
AND POKE HIM
IN THE FUCKING EYE.
"HEY, CAPTAIN, YOU DROPPED
YOUR PEN RIGHT THERE.
"I GOT YOU, YOU FUCKER.
I'M TAKING OVER THIS PLANE.
I GOT A BELT."
YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE BAREFOOT,
AND YOU'RE HOLDING
YOUR PANTS UP, YOU KNOW.
PUSHING THREE BINS' WORTH
OF SHIT, YOU KNOW.
TRYING TO GET A WIDE STANCE
SO YOU DON'T GESOME WEIRD INDIAN FUNGUS
ON YOUR FEET, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO THROUGH
THE METAL DETECTOR, "BING!"
OOPS, I FORGOT I GOA NICKEL IN MY ASS.
HONEY, HOW IS THAT HELPING?
BUT THAT'S NOT HUMILIATING
ENOUGH.
NOW THEY WANT TO X-RAY US.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THOSE NEW SCANNING MACHINES,
X-RAYS.
YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
YOU KNOW,
"IS THAT AN X-RAY MACHINE--CAN
YOU SEE UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES?"
"YES."
"SO YOU'RE X-RAYING ME."
"NO, IT'S NOT AN X-RAY."
"HUH?
"BUT WHEN SUPERMAN SAW
UNDERNEATH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES,
"HE CALLED IT X-RAY VISION.
WHO AM I GOING TO BELIEVE,
YOU OR THE MAN OF STEEL?"
SO, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'BELIEVE AMERICANS, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO TO SAN JOSE
INTERNATIONAL,
SEE THOSE SCANNERS,
THEY'RE DOING THIS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE X-RAYING
YOUR GENITALS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
YOU KNOW.
THE NEXT TIME THEY WANTO X-RAY YOUR GENITALS,
YOUR WIFE'S GENITALS
BEFORE YOU FLY SOMEWHERE, SAY,
"EXCUSE ME,
BEFORE WE DO ANY X-RAYING
"OF THE GENITALS, CAN I JUSSHOW YOU SOMETHING ON MY iPHONE?
"LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
"LOOK AT NUMBER FOUR.
"IT'S REASONABLE SEARCH
AND SEIZURE, YOU KNOW.
"I'M JUST--I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONVICTED OF A CRIME.
"I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
FOR A CRIME.
"HONEY, YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED
OR ARRESTED FOR A CRIME?
"WE'RE JUST FLYING TO MIAMI
FOR THE WEEKEND.
"I DON'T THINK IT'S REASONABLE
FOR YOU
"TO BE X-RAYING OUR GENITALS.
"WE'LL TAKE
THE FREE CROTCH MASSAGE INSTEAD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
THE FAT GUY IN THE BLUE GLOVES
COMES OUT.
"WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
"OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVE AREAS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY--"
"WELL, YOU KNOW, MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY MOTHER IS KIND
OF A SENSITIVE AREA, YOU KNOW."
I FEEL SORRY FOR SECURITY,
SORRY FOR THE GUY IN THE BOOTH,
YOU KNOW, AFTER BEING THERE,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA--
THE SECURITY, THEY'RE GONNA
GAMBLE AWAY EVERY PAYCHECK.
THEY'RE GONNA LOSE
ALL THEIR MONEY.
IT'S LIKE "AHA!
I TOLD YOU, TRANSVESTITE.
"50 BUCKS, BOBBY.
LET'S GO, RIGHT THERE.
"RIGHT THERE.
AHA, ONE BALL.
DANNY, YOU OWE ME 20,
LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE."
I JUST THINK WE'RE AMERICANS.
WE'RE SMARTER THAN THAT.
COME ON,
WE INVENTED THE PHONE,
THE FLYING MACHINE,
THE INTERNET.
WE CAN COME UP WITH A RULE
THAT APPLIES TO EVERYBODY.
MOVE THINGS ALONG,
RESTORE DIGNITY AND LUXURY
THAT FLYING DESERVES.
I GOT AN IDEA.
IF YOU LIKE IT,
YOU RUN WITH IT.
IF YOUR NAME TAKES UP MORE
THAN ONE PAGE ON YOUR PASSPORT,
SPREAD YOUR FUCKING CHEEKS.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT TOO BAD.
IT'S NOT PERFECT.
"OKAY, STEVE SMITH FROM
SAN JOSE, OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD.
"NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO, KEEP YOUR SHOES ON.
"IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT'S GOOD.
"TAKE THE KNIFE WITH YOU.
WE TRUST YOU.
"YOU'RE GOOD.
NO, YOU'RE GOOD.
"KHALID RAFSANJANI AHMADINEJAD
ABDUL MUTALEB,
"LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THAT ASSHOLE OF YOURS.
"IT'S EITHER A HAND GRENADE...
"OR A DINGLEBERRY.
"CLIMB IN THERE
AND SEE WHAT THE HELL THIS--
PUT IT ON THE X-RAY MACHINE,
YOU KNOW."
WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY.
THAT'S WHAT'S THE THING
ABOUT BANKRUPTING AMERICA,
IS WE GOT TO GET HEALTHY,
YOU KNOW.
ONE OUT OF THREE AMERICANS
IS OVERWEIGHT.
ONE OUT OF SIX AMERICANS
IS REALLY OVERWEIGHT.
NOW THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING FAIN AMERICA
IS NO MATTER HOW FAT YOU ARE,
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY FATTER.
LIKE, "I'M FUCKED UP?
LOOK AT THAT GUY OVER THERE.
HE NEEDS A SPECIAL CAR."
IT'S AMAZING.
THAT'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF.
YOU SEE THESE COMMERCIALS
LATE AT NIGHTHAT DON'T ENCOURAGE PEOPLE
TO GET HEALTHY, LIKE,
"THE NEW BODY CORSET."
IT'S LIKE,
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
"JUST SQUISH
ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER
AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON."
THAT'S NOT HELPING.
WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
SKIP DESSERT.
TAKE A DUMP.
DO ANYTHING, COME ON.
THE BIGGEST THREAT TO AMERICAN
WAY OF LIFE IS NOT AL-QAEDA.
IT'S NOT IRAN.
IT'S NOT NORTH KOREA.
IT'S FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
WHO'S FRYING
THE MACARONI AND CHEESE?
IT'S ALREADY
CHEESE AND MACARONI.
WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO TO IT?
"IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE.
WE COULD FRY IT.
"YEAH.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
"WE COULD PUT SOME CIGARETTES
IN THERE.
"REESE--REESE'S
PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
"YEAH, LET'S FUCK IT UP.
GO AHEAD.
"PUT SOME MORE SHIT IN THERE.
LET'S KILL
THESE FUCKING PEOPLE."
AND OUR OLD PEOPLE
ARE BANKRUPTING US.
YOU KNOW,
HALF THE COMMERCIALS ON TV
ARE NOW DRUGS AIMED AT OLD
PEOPLE WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN'IN A POSITION TO BE MAKING GOOD
DECISIONS, BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOPY
FROM ALL THE OTHER SHITHEY'RE ALREADY TAKING.
THEY ADVERTISE THIS STUFF
LATE AT NIGHT,
LIKE, "DO YOU NOT WANTO PEE ANYMORE?
THEN TAKE 'FLOW LESS'
AND NEVER PEE AGAIN."
YOU STAY UP REALLY LATE
AT NIGHT,
THAT'S WHEN THE REALLY BIZARRE,
FAKE COMMERCIALS COME ON,
YOU KNOW, THOSE FAKE DISEASES.
LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE ONE BALL
"THAT STICKS TO THE SIDE
OF YOUR LEG?
"YOU COULD HAVE
'ONE BALL STUCK TO THE SIDE
"OF YOUR LEG' SYNDROME.
"YOU NEED TO TAKE
ASSLICKOVOREPOLYHYDRATE.
GET RID OF THAT ONE BALL
STUCK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG."
THEN THEY RUN THE SIDE EFFECTS
AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL.
THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE ALWAYS
A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE
THAN HAVING A BALL STUCK
TO YOUR FUCKING LEG, YOU KNOW?
"SIDE EFFECTS ARE
YOU COULD BLEED FROM YOUR EARS
"AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR ASS.
"YOU COULD HAVE SEIZURES,
"GO INTO SHOCK, STOP BREATHING.
"YOUR BLADDER COULD EXPLODE
IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE
TO SHIT AGAIN."
MY FAVORITE IS "SOME PATIENTS
ON ASSLICKOVORE
HAVE EXPERIENCED THEIR OTHER
BALL STICKING TO THEIR LEG."
IT'S LIKE, COME ON.
WE HAVE A CROSS-CULTURAL KID.
LITTLE MIRANDA.
I COME FROM A CROSS-CULTURAL
BACKGROUND.
MY DAD WAS JEWISH.
MY MOM'S FILIPINO.
IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM
OF SMALL PENISES.
MY HOUSE SMELLED LIKE SOY SAUCE
AND THE HOLOCAUST.
MY DAD WAS VERY HAPPY HE MARRIED
AN ASIAN WOMAN.
MY DAD WOULD TRY TO GIVE ME
ADVICE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
HE SAID, "HEY ROBBY, HEY, HEY.
IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY,
GET YOURSELF AN ORIENTAL."
IT'S ALREADY INAPPROPRIATE
RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW?
"YOU KNOW THESE ORIENTALS
WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
"IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE.
"THEY WILL GIVE YOU HAND RELIEF
AND ORAL.
WHAT THESE ORIENTALS CAN DO
WITH THEIR MOUTHS--"
"HEY, DAD!
"THAT 'ORIENTAL'
IS IN THE KITCHEN.
"THAT'S MOM.
MY MOM.
I'M SEVEN."
MY MOM'S ORIGINALLY FROM MANILA
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
BUT THE SUBTLETIES
OF THE LANGUAGE
HAVE ALWAYS ESCAPED HER.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SWEAR WORDS
SHE NEVER QUITE FIGURED OUT,
YOU KNOW.
SHE'D HEAR MY BROTHER AND I CALL
EACH OTHER NAMES,
AND SHE'D USE THOSE SAME NAMES
TO GET US
TO PICK UP AROUND THE HOUSE.
"ALL RIGHT, YOU FAGGOTS,
PICK UP YOUR TOWELS.
"BEDTIME FOR QUEER BAITS,
LET'S GO.
"GET READY FOR SCHOOL,
ASS PIRATES.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LASFUDGE PACKERS ON THE BUS."
"DID MOM JUST CALL US
FUDGE PACKERS?
"IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
I THINK SHE DID."
MY MOM WILL COOK FILIPINO FOOD,
OF COURSE.
CHICKEN ADOBO, AND SHE'D LEAVE
IT ON THE STOVE OVERNIGHT.
SHE WOULDN'T REFRIGERATE IT,
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE
REFRIGERATORS
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
YOU KNOW,
EVEN AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
IT SEEMED KIND OF FUNKY,
YOU KNOW.
"MOM, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAIN THE--"
"DOESN'T NEED TO BE 'FRIGERATED.
"WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE
IN THE PHILIPPINES.
WE DON'T 'FRIGERATE HERE."
"YEAH, BUT WE GOT ONE."
"DOESN'T NEED
TO BE 'FRIGERATED."
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ABOUT BUGS
GETTING IN THERE?
"NO BUGS WILL GO ANYWHERE
NEAR THIS FOOD."
IT'S LIKE, WHY ARE WE FUCKING
EATIN' IT THEN?
IT'S BEEN REJECTED BY BUGS.
[makes buzzing sound]
"I DON'T TRUST IT.
[makes buzzing sound]
"LOOKS LIKE FILIPINO FOOD.
COME ON, GUYS.
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[makes buzzing sound]
I'M ONLY ALIVE FOR 72 HOURS.
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE
TIME HAVING DIARRHEA.
[makes buzzing sound]
WASTING FOOD IS A BIG DEAL
IN MY MOM'S HOUSE, THOUGH,
BECAUSE SHE'S A WAR SURVIVOR,
YOU KNOW.
WORLD WAR II DURING THE JAPANESE
OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW,
AS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,
YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THAT SHIT.
"YOU GONNA EAT THAT POTATO?"
"WELL, I HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET."
"I HAD TO CRAWL UP A MOUNTAIN
FOR THREE DAYS TO GET A POTATO.
"THE JAPANESE
WERE SHOOTING AT US.
"HAD TO CRAWL UNDER--
MY HANDS AND KNEES--
UNDER BARBED WIRE TO BRING
MY MOM BACK A POTATO."
"WELL, THEN YOU
SHOULD FUCKING EAT IT,
BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY..."
[imitates assault sounds]
AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,
YOUR PARENTS GET OLDER,
THE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU
AND THEM BECOMES INSIGNIFICANT.
THEY BECOME MORE
LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.
THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
OPENING UP
AND TELLING YOU THINGS
THAT'LL SCAR YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE,
YOU KNOW.
SO MY MOM FELT COMFORTABLE
TELLING ME STUFF.
"ROBERT, ALL YOUR FATHER WANTS
IS SEX,
"AND I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
"MY JAW HURTS.
"I'M NOT AS LIMBER
AS I USED TO BE.
"CAN'T GET MY ANKLES
BEHIND MY EARS LIKE HE LIKES.
"I DON'T WANT TO SIIN THE DAMN CHAIR
"WITH ALL THE ROPES SPINNING
BACK AND FORTH ANYMORE.
I GET DIZZY AS HELL
IN THAT DAMN CHAIR."
"EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND,
MOM, WILL YOU?"
[imitates vomiting sound]
MY WIFE PATRICIA,
LIKE ALL WOMEN,
SHE SUFFERS
FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY DISORDER.
WOMEN ONLY REMEMBER THE STUFF
THEY WANT TO REMEMBER,
THE STUFF THAT SERVES
THEIR PURPOSES.
STUFF THEY DON'T WANTO REMEMBER,
THEY CONVENIENTLY LOSE
ALL KNOWLEDGE OF, YOU KNOW.
STUFF MY WIFE WANTS TO REMEMBER,
IT'S LIKE,
"OKAY, YOU SAID YOU GONNA TAKE
A DANCE CLASS AT 7:30,
"WEST HOLLYWOOD, SALSA LESSON.
COME ON.
WE GOT TO GO."
"OH, WHEN DID I AGREE TO THAT?"
"AUGUST 13TH, 3:32 P.M.
"YOU WERE WEARING BROWN SLACKS,
"A U2 T-SHIRT,
TENNIS SHOES.
"IT WAS 68 DEGREES, SLIGHCHANCE OF PRECIPITATION.
"I SAID, 'YOU WANT TO TAKE
A SALSA LESSON?'
"YOU DID THIS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MEANS YES."
STUFF SHE DOESN'T WANTO REMEMBER, IT'S LIKE,
"HONEY, WHEN DID YOU SCRATCH
THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAR?"
"WHAT CAR?"
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WE HAD A CAR."
WOMEN ARE
VERY POWERFUL CREATURES.
I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY.
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU
DOUBT SOMETHING
YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING DID.
YOUR GUY FRIENDS
WON'T MAKE YOU DOUBT.
WOMEN WILL MAKE YOU DOUBSOMETHING YOU KNOW
FOR SURE YOU DID, MAKE YOU LOSE
ALL CONFIDENCE IN IT.
"HONEY, DID YOU LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?"
"MAYBE I DIDN'T LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR.
"MAYBE I HAD A 'LOCKING
THE FRONT DOOR' HALLUCINATION.
MAYBE I SECRETLY WANT PEOPLE
TO COME IN AND KILL US."
WOMEN ARE MAGICIANS.
WOMEN CAN MAKE THINGS APPEAR
AND DISAPPEAR AT WILL.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
"HONEY, I CAN'T FIND
MY CAR KEYS.
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE?"
"IT'S ON THE PLATE
BY THE FRONT DOOR."
"NO, I LOOKED THERE, IT'S NOT--"
"WELL, LOOK AGAIN."
"NO, IT'S NOT THERE."
"IT IS THERE."
"NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I JUST--"
"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE."
"HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S NOT."
"OH, GOD DAMN."
[makes thumping noise]
"IT'S RIGHT FUCKING HERE.
"IT WAS HERE
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
SHE'S A WITCH.
BURN HER.
WITCH!
SO WOMEN COULD EASILY
COME OUT AND TELL US
WHAT IT IS THEY WANT, BUT WOMEN
DON'T FEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE TO.
WOMEN ARE INSULTED.
"YOU SHOULD KNOW.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHAT THE PROBLEM--IF I HAVE
"TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS, THAT'S ANOTHER PROBLEM.
"YOU JUST DOUBLED YOUR PROBLEMS
RIGHT THERE.
"YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLIMB
IN MY BRAIN, LOOK AROUND,
"FIND OUT WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I
DON'T WANT, PUT YOUR SHIT AWAY.
YOU'RE SELFISH
BEING YOUR OWN PERSON."
OH, JUST TELL US
WHAT IT IS YOU WANT, LADIES,
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANTO DISAPPOINT YOU,
BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WILL FRUSTRATE YOU.
WE'LL GUESS WRONG EVERY TIME.
JUST TELL US
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
TELL US WHAT YOU WANT US TO DO
TO FIX IT, AND WE'LL DO THAT.
OTHERWISE WE'LL--BECAUSE WE
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT ON OUR OWN.
SHE'S CRYING.
MAYBE SHE WANTS A PIZZA.
IF I WAS CRYING,
I'D WANT A PIZZA.
I WONDER WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
SHE WANTS.
I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
I WANT.
I WANT THE PIZZA WITH
THE SAUSAGE AND THEN PIZZA--
WHY IS SHE THROWING
THE PIZZA AT ME?
WHAT DID THE PIZZA DO
TO PISS HER OFF?
I DON'T MEAN TO PICK ON WOMEN,
BUT I DO NEED TO HAVE AN ACT,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
AND YOU KNOW
YOU DON'T FIGHT FAIR,
CAUSE WOMEN DON'T FIGHTO WIN THE ARGUMENT.
WOMEN FIGHT TO DESTROY US.
THAT'S A DIFFERENT GOAL.
GUYS FUCK UP
BECAUSE WE TEND TO ARGUE
ABOUT WHAT THE ARGUMENT'S
ACTUALLY ABOUT.
WOMEN DON'T FEEL
THAT CONSTRAINED.
IT'S LIKE, "HONEY, DID YOU HAVE
TO PARK BEHIND ME?
"YOU KNOW I GOT TO GET UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
"AND DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT.
"THEN YOU HAVE TO HIDE
YOUR CAR KEYS,
"SO I CAN'T MOVE YOUR CAR,
SO I MISS MY FLIGHT.
DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT, HUH?"
"OH, YEAH?
YOU NEVER MAKE ME COME."
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
STOP DOING THAT.
BUT I ADMIRE WOMEN.
I DO.
WOMEN HAVE THE ABILITY
TO STEP OUTSIDE THEMSELVES
AND APPRECIATE
ANOTHER WOMAN'S BEAUTY.
THAT'S A VERY POWERFUL THING.
A WOMAN CAN GO UP
TO ANOTHER WOMAN
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
AND GO, "WOW.
"YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
WITH YOUR HAIR,"
AND MEAN IT, YOU KNOW.
GUYS ARE MUCH MORE INSECURE.
GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT CONFIDENCE
AT ALL.
YOU NEVER HEAR A GUY GO UP
TO ANOTHER GUY AND GO,
"WOW, YOU'RE
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL GUY.
"I LIKE WHAT YOU DO
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS.
"DO YOU SHAVE
YOUR OWN CHEST HAIR?
"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
"COME BACK HERE, BEAUTIFUL GUY!
"BEAUTIFUL GUY'S GETTING AWAY.
BEAUTIFUL GUY!"
YET WOMEN, IF THEY SO CHOOSE,
CAN FIND THE ONE DEFECIN AN OTHERWISE
PERFECTLY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN
AND TEAR HER TO SHREDS.
"YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY, I GUESS,
"BUT THAT'S
A LONG, FUCKED-UP NECK.
"IF I WAS HER,
I'D NEVER EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE.
"I MEAN, I'D JUST STAY INDOORS
ALL DAY,
HANG OUWITH ALL THE OTHER GIRAFFES."
GUYS ARE THE OPPOSITE.
GUYS SEE SOMETHING WRONG,
SOMETHING MESSED UP
ON SOME OTHER GUY,
WE'RE CURIOUS.
WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
"HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ASSHOLE.
HE'S MISSING AN ELBOW.
"LET'S BUY HIM A BEER.
"HOW DID YOU END UP
MISSING AN ELBOW?
LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN DRINK IT!"
OF COURSE, WOMEN HAVE
A MUCH HIGHER TOLERANCE TO PAIN
THAN US GUYS
COULD EVER HAVE, YOU KNOW.
WOMEN CAN JUST TAKE THE IDEA
OF PAIN AND PUSH IT ASIDE
LIKE A DISTANT BASTARD STEPCHILD
OF FASHION.
MY WIFE CAN TAKE
THESE HIGH-HEEL SHOES,
CRAM FIVE TOES
INTO THE SPACE
OF A TOE AND A HALF,
AND BE FINE.
IT'S LIKE,
"HONEY, ARE THOSE PAINFUL?"
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
I CAN DEAL WITH IT."
"WELL, THEY LOOK PAINFUL."
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
THEY ONLY HURWHEN I TAKE STEPS."
TAKE STEPS?
THAT'S THE WHOLE FUNCTION
OF SHOES, ISN'T IT?
"IS THAT DRESS A LITTLE TIGHT?"
"NAH, IT'S OKAY.
"I TOOK A FEW BREATHS
BEFORE I PUT IT ON.
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BREATHE
A LOT TONIGHT."
"IT MIGHT GET COLD LATER.
YOU WANT A SWEATER?"
"NAH, IT DOESN'T MATCH
MY OUTFIT.
"I'LL JUST DEAL WITH MY NIPPLES
GETTING FROSTBITE.
IT'S OKAY."
WOMEN WILL HAVE
THE MOST SENSITIVE PARTS
OF THEIR BODIES SHAVED,
SCRAPED.
WOMEN WILL PAY SOMEBODY
TO TAKE A STICK AND SOME WAX
AND HAVE THE HAIR
ON THEIR VA-HOO-HOOS RIPPED OFF
AND BE--BE TEXTING
WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
"YES, MARIA.
I'M AT THE BRAZILIAN WAX PLACE.
"SHE'S VERY NICE.
VERY PROFESSIONAL.
"SHE TALKS A LITTLE BIT,
BUT NOT TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
"SHE'S VERY RESPECTFUL--
OKAY, DON'T FORGET THE BACK,
"DON'T FORGET THE BACK.
OKAY, GET READY.
"I'M COMING AT YOU.
I'M COMING AT YOU.
"HERE WE GO.
I'M GONNA GET READY.
"OKAY, I'M GONNA COME.
READY, HERE WE GO.
"GRAB IT, GRAB IT.
"OKAY, HOW MUCH I OWE YOU
FOR THAT?
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
HOW MUCH I OWE YOU FOR THAT?"
"GRAB IT."
I--"GRAB IT."
[laughs]
I DON'T KNOW IF MY WIFE
SAYS THAT,
BUT IT WOULD BE GREAIF SHE DID.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT OR WHAT?
"GRAB IT.
TAKE THE BIG STICK RIGHT NOW."
IT'S AMAZING.
I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,
I SAW MY WIFE, YOU KNOW,
DOING SOMETHING
I JUST--I JUST NEVER IMAGINED.
SHE'S TAKING, LIKE,
DENTAL FLOSS, AND...
[makes popping sound]
PLUCKING OUT HER EYEBROWS.
[makes popping sound]
WITH DENTAL FLOSS.
[makes popping sounds]
EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE,
THEY TRY TO DO IT TO US.
"HONEY, YOU GOT A HAIR THERE."
"WHAT?"
[makes popping sound]
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
THAT WAS CONNECTED
TO MY BRAIN."
'CAUSE, GUYS,
WE CAN'T DEAL WITH PAIN.
WE DON'T WANT PAIN.
WE TRY TO AVOID PAIN.
GUYS TRY TO AVOID PAIN
ALL THE TIME.
IT'S LIKE,
"OW, OW, GET THESE OFF OF ME.
I'M NEVER WEARING
THESE SOCKS AGAIN."
LIKE, "AH! AH, THIS T-SHIRHAS AN ITCHY TAG.
"FUCK ME.
OW. OW.
"AH! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE
A T-SHIRT WITH AN ITCHY TAG?
"THEY'RE INSANE.
"IT'S NICE, SOFT MATERIAL,
BUT THE NECK, IT'S SANDPAPER.
"I CAN'T DRIVE TONIGHT, HONEY.
YOU HAVE TO DRIVE.
I CAN'T. ITCHY TAG.
I'LL KILL US ALL."
WOMEN LOVE TO MOCK US ANY TIME
WE'RE IN PAIN.
"SERIOUSLY?
YOU'RE SAYING THAT HURTS,
SERIOUSLY?"
"YES, THAT HURTS.
THAT'S MY PENIS.
YOU'RE BENDING IT IN HALF."
"REALLY, THIS HURTS?"
"YES, THOSE ARE MY BALLS, HONEY.
YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP THEM
OFF MY BODY."
WOMEN, JUST BY THE VERY VIRTUE
OF BEING A WOMAN,
YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY
A SMELL DETECTIVE.
MY WIFE'S SENSE OF SMELL
IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...
[sniffs]
"DID YOU FART?"
"NO."
"OH, COME ON."
"MAYBE FOUR HOURS AGO."
"I KNEW IT!
I KNEW YOU FARTED IN MY CLOSEAT 4:45, YOU ASSHOLE."
"YOU ATE THAT CHEESECAKE.
I WAS SAVING THAT."
MAYBE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
MY WIFE'S CLOSET'S
RIDICULOUS, THOUGH.
I MEAN, WOMEN,
THEIR ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS
ARE INCREDIBLE.
YOU GO IN THERE,
YOU SEE MY WIFE, SHE'S GOWINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, FALL.
SHE'S GOT, LIKE, FORMAL,
CASUAL, AND SLUTTY,
FORMAL SLUTTY, CASUAL SLUTTY,
SLUTTY SLUTTY,
AND THEN WHORE.
FORMAL WHORE, CASUAL WHORE,
SLUTTY WHORE, WHORE WHORE,
CRACK WHORE, THE WHOLE
WHORE ENSEMBLE, YOU KNOW.
GUYS ORGANIZE OURSELVES
DIFFERENTLY.
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAN.
WHAT THE FUCK?
THAT'S MORE THAN CLEAN ENOUGH
FOR WHAT I'M GONNA NEED IT FOR.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRASS, BUT I
HAVE LEARNED THAT SEXY TALK,
DIRTY TALK,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,
MUST ALWAYS BE INSTIGATED
BY THE WOMAN.
IF THE WOMAN STARTS IT,
IT'S FINE,
BUT IF THE GUY STARTS IT,
IT'S ALWAYS CREEPY.
YOU KNOW, IF THE WOMAN
STARTS THE DIRTY TALK--
"I JUST WANT YOU TO USE ME.
"JUST GET CRAZY.
"JUST PLEASURE YOURSELF.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME.
JUST USE ME, GET CRAZY."
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
BUT IF A GUY STARTS IT,
YOU KNOW...
[laughter]
"I JUST WANT TO USE YOU.
DO WHATEVER I WANT."
"I'M AT WORK, YOU FUCKING SICKO.
YOU'RE ON SPEAKERPHONE."
"I'M SORRY, HONEY.
"I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
I LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.
"I'M SORRY.
HEY, WHAT TIME YOU COMING HOME?
I'LL MAKE YOU DINNER, OKAY."
SO HERE'S THE THING, GUYS.
IF YOU DO HAVE SOME WEIRD,
SEXUAL FANTASY, DON'T TELL HER.
TRY IT ON HER,
BUT DON'T TELL HER, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE, IF YOU DO TELL HER,
SHE'LL NEVER FORGET IAND USE IT AGAINST YOU
TO HUMILIATE YOU
AT ALL INOPPORTUNE TIMES.
"HONEY, CAN YOU PLEASE
PASS THE CEREAL?"
"YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
AFTER THAT, PISS ON YOUR CHEST?"
"THAT'S OKAY,
I'LL GET THE CEREAL MYSELF.
"I'M CLOSER TO IT ANYWAY.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
THERE IT IS. LOOKY THERE.
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE."
SEE, HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
YOU KNOW,
IN SOME VERY REAL WAY,
YOU'VE SUPPLANTED MOMMY FOR US,
AND THAT'S WHY WE LIE TO YOU
ABOUT STUPID SHIT.
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANTO GET YELLED AT BY MOMMY.
SO WE REVERT TO THAT LITTLE BOY
THING, YOU KNOW.
"DID YOU FEED THE DOG
GARLIC FRIES?"
"NO."
"HE JUST TOOK A GARLIC DUMP
ON THE CARPET."
"I DON'T KNOW.
"MAYBE HE FIGURED OUHOW TO OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I DON'T KNOW."
"DID YOU USE
MY ANTIPERSPIRANT?"
"NO."
"THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF LONG ARMPIT HAIRS ON THERE."
"I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOUR HAIRBRUSH
AND THE WIND GOT TOGETHER."
"DID YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS
IN BED?"
"NO."
"SOMETHING SHARP JUST POKED ME
IN THE ASS."
"I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE BED BROKE A SPRING
OR SOMETHING."
"DID YOU TIVO
'HOT BOOTY MILFS'?"
"NO.
SOMETIMES THOSE MACHINES
JUST TURN THEMSELVES ON."
[laughter]
"DID YOU ORDER
A CHUCK NORRIS SWORD?"
"NO.
"IS IT HERE?
I MEAN...
"I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IIF IT'S HERE.
"I MEAN, SOMEBODY WANTED IT.
"I MEAN, IF IT'S HERE,
I'LL LOOK AT IT, I MEAN...
IF IT'S HERE."
YOU WOMEN LIE TO US ABOUT STUPID
SHIT TOO, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.
"HEY, HOW MUCH
WAS THAT COACH PURSE?"
"I DON'T KNOW. $30?
"MAYBE IT WAS FREE.
MAYBE THEY PAID ME
TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE STORE."
"THAT SHOE SAYS
'CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN.'
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
T.J. MAXX?
"MAYBE IT WAS IN THE CEREAL BOX.
I DON'T REMEMBER."
"DID YOU GEA COLLAGEN LIP INJECTION?"
"NO."
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME
IN THE FACE."
[laughter]
"DID YOU PUT A VOODOO DOLL
IN THE FREEZER?"
"NO."
"IT'S GOT A PICTURE
OF MY MOM'S FACE ON IWITH NEEDLES IN ITS EYES."
"I DIDN'T DO IT,
BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
WHOEVER DID IT OBVIOUSLY SPENA LOT OF TIME ON IT."
"OKAY, I GOT TO TAKE MY MOM
TO THE EYE DOCTOR NOW."
SO HERE'S THE THING, LADIES.
WE LIE TO YOU ABOUT STUPID SHIT,
BUT WE NEED YOU TO LIE TO US
ABOUT THE IMPORTANT SHIT.
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE CAN'T TAKE IT.
WE HAVE VERY FRAGILE EGOS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE ASK
THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS.
PLEASE LIE TO US.
"SO HOW MANY, YOU KNOW,
"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE YOU,
YOU KNOW...
"BEFORE, YOU KNOW, DURING--
BEFORE ME, HAVE YOU SEXY TIME--
SEX, YOU KNOW,
OTHER SEX WITH OTHER?"
JUST LOOK US RIGHT IN THE EYE,
AND GO, "FOUR."
[laughter]
"SO HAVE YOU EVER TRIED,
YOU KNOW, A--
"A--ANAL...
ANAL SEX BEFORE?"
"EW, GROSS!
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A WHORE?
"DISGUSTING, EW.
"I'LL TRY IT IF YOU REALLY
WANT ME TOO, BUT EW.
DISGUSTING.
GROSS."
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
OF ALL--
"SO...
"YOU KNOW, DO I,
YOU KNOW...
"PLEASE YOU?
I MEAN, IS MY,
"YOU KNOW, DO YOU LIKE MY,
"YOU KNOW, MY PENIS,
I MEAN, THE--
"DO YOU LIKE THE TOP PAROF IT...THE GIRTH,
I MEAN, IS IT, AM I BIG--"
"OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE HUGE!
"THE FIRST TIME I SAW
YOUR PENIS, I WAS LIKE,
'WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH ALL THAT?'"
[applause]
"THANK YOU, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME,
"BUT I COULDN'T TAKE THE TRUTH.
"I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'D HANG MYSELF IN THE GARAGE.
"THANK YOU FOR LYING.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT.
I COULDN'T TAKE IT."
WE'RE GUYS. WE'RE STUPID.
WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW
THE ANSWER,
BUT WE CAN'T HELP
BUT ASKING THE QUESTION.
IT'S--I STILL DO IT.
THE OTHER DAY, I BLURTED OUT,
"HONEY,
HOW MANY TIMES
DO YOU FAKE IT?"
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU MEAN,
LIKE, A PERCENTAGE?"
[laughter]
"YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A PERCENTAGE?
"THERE'S A NUMBER ON IT ALREADY?
WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
SHE GOES, "ABOUT 35%."
SHE GOES,
"AND THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
"YOU FAKE IT MORE THAN ONE
OUT OF EVERY THREE TIMES,
AND THAT'S GOOD?
HOW IS THAT GOOD?"
SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY.
YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE
MY FAKE ONES."
AND SHE'S RIGHT, WE DO.
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
OUR EGOS WON'T ALLOW US
TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE.
"OF COURSE SHE CAME.
HOW COULD SHE NOT?
"I WAS ON TOP OF HER
FOR ALMOST 45 SECONDS,
"AND THAT'S INCLUDING
THE TIMES I FELL OFF.
"SHE HAD TO COME.
I CAME.
"THAT'S PROOF RIGHT THERE.
"SOMETHING HAPPENED.
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING
FROM MY NECK UP.
"I GOT TO GO TO BED.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE."
THING IS, THOUGH, YOU KNOW,
GUYS' SEXUAL ENERGY,
SOMETIMES I CAN NEVER QUITE
GET A HANDLE ON IT.
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS AMAZED,
YOU KNOW, WITH GUYS.
IT'S LIKE,
"HOW CAN YOU BE AROUSED NOW?
WE'RE WATCHING 'BURIED ALIVE.'"
"I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
"MAYBE LATER WE COULD, YOU KNOW,
BURY SOMETHING ELSE.
"I WAS JUST THINKING,
GOT ME THINKING.
"GOT ME THINKING, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOW?
THINKING, YOU KNOW,
GOT ME THINKING."
FOR WOMEN, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
ALL THE HAIR HAS TO BE GONE,
OR ALL IN RIGHT DIRECTION,
RIGHT ENERGY, YOU KNOW.
THINGS CAN THROW WOMEN OFF
EASILY, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, AN UNMADE BED WILL THROW A
WOMAN OFF HER ENTIRE AFTERNOON.
AN UNMADE BED REPRESENTS CHAOS.
IT'S DISORIENTATING.
IT'S DISTRACTING FOR A WOMAN.
A WOMAN--A WOMAN CAN'T EVEN WALK
BY A ROOM WITH AN UNMADE BED
WITHOUT LIKE...
"WHAT IS THAT?
HOW CAN ANYBODY WALK BY THAT?"
"WATCH ME, HONEY.
CHECK IT OUT.
"LOOK, I'LL STARE
RIGHT FUCKING AT IT.
"DOES NOTHING TO ME.
DOESN'T CHANGE MY MOOD,
MY DEMEANOR WHATSOEVER."
SEE, AN UNMADE BED TO US GUYS
IS PURELY
A LOGIC AND LABOR ISSUE.
IT'S LIKE, WHY DO WE
BOTHER MAKING THIS THING
WHEN YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
IN 18 HOURS
WE'RE JUST GETTING
BACK IN IT ANYWAY.
LET'S ELIMINATE
THIS WHOLE MANUAL LABOR.
[laughter]
THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU DO GET BACK
IN IT 18 HOURS LATER,
YOU SPEND
THE FIRST HOUR AND A HALF
KICKING THE SHEET OUWITH YOUR FOOT.
"GOD DAMN IT, HONEY, MY FOOT'S
STUCK IN THE SHEET NOOSE.
[grunts]
'CAUSE WE'RE GUYS.
WE WANT TO GO TO BED,
WE GO TO BED,
WANT TO GO TO SLEEP,
WE GO TO SLEEP,
BUT IF WE'RE IN BED
AND WE'RE AWAKE,
WE WANT SOMETHING.
WOMEN KNOW THIS INTRINSICALLY.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN TRY TO SNEAK
IN BED LATE AT NIGHT.
IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, SHH.
"JUST GONNA OPEN UP THE SHEEJUST A LITTLE BIT.
"OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA
PUT IN ONE TOE.
"JUST ONE TOE.
"JUST HALF A CHEEK,
HALF A CHEEK.
"SHH, SHH, I'M ALMOST IN.
"I'M ALMOST IN.
SHH. SHH.
"OKAY, ALMOST IN. SHH.
"OH, YOU'RE UP.
"WELL, I'M GONNA GO DO LAUNDRY
FOR TWO HOURS.
"IS IT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?
"I'M GONNA REARRANGE
THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE.
"THIS SHOULD GO OVER HERE.
THIS LAMP DOESN'NEED TO BE HERE."
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, LADIES?
COME ON, WE'RE BOTH HORIZONTAL.
WE DON'T HAVE
AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING
AT THIS PART OF THE EVENING.
WOULDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH ENERGY,
JUST ONE OF US TO LEAN ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.
TRUST US, IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE
THAT LONG.
"NO.
WHY?
"BECAUSE I'M TIRED.
IF YOU WANTED TO,
YOU COULD'VE DONE IT EARLIER."
"EARLIER?
WHEN, IN THE AFTERNOON?
SO I'D HAVE TO MAKE
THE BED ANOTHER FUCKING TIME."
[laughter]
NEXT TIME SHE SAYS THAT, GUYS,
TAKE HER UP ON IT.
COME HOME IN THE AFTERNOON,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE
THE BED AGAIN IF YOU DO IIN THE LIVING ROOM.
HA, HA!
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THIS
TO THE COUCH.
AND MAYBE THIS.
"I CLEANED IT UP, HONEY!
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO."
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING
TO A WOMAN,
BECAUSE WOMEN
ARE MORE VULNERABLE.
WOMEN WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT THEY EXPERIENCE,
TO FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN
WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED
TO THEM DURING THE DAY.
NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO A WOMAN
DURING THE DAY IS INSIGNIFICANT.
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS
TO A WOMAN DURING THE DAY
IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EVENT,
WHICH MUST BE RETOLD
IN GREAT DETAIL.
WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU
ABOUT HER DAY,
IT ACTUALLY TAKES LONGER
TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DAY
THAN THE FUCKING DAY
TOOK ORIGINALLY.
THE MOST DANGEROUS QUESTION
YOU CAN EVER ASK,
"OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, HONEY?"
"HOW WAS MY DAY?
HANG ON."
[laughter]
"ANYWAY, CAROL COME OVER.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP.
"SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
SHE DOESN'T CALL.
"SHE DOESN'T TEXT.
SHE JUST SHOWS UP, YOU KNOW?
"ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUSTALKING ABOUT HERSELF,
"'CAUSE SHE'S DEPRESSED,
"AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
AND SHE'S DIVORCED,
"AND SHE'S DEPRESSED.
"AND OF COURSE
SHE CAN'T SEE THAT,
"BECAUSE THAT WOULD TAKE
SOME INTROSPECTION ON HER PART,
"AND SHE'S INCAPABLE
OF DOING THAT.
"ANYWAY, OF COURSE,
SHE NEVER ASKED ME
"ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF,
'CAUSE WHY--
THAT WOULD--CARE ABOUT SOMETHING
"OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.
"SHE'S INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT,
BUT ANYWAY.
"SO SHE'S TALKING, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE STARTS CRYING,
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THE CRYING
THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
"IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE CRYING
LIKE [whimpers]
"YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU FEEL
SORRY FOR HER.
"IT'S ALWAYS
ONE OF THESE CRYINGS
"WHERE THEY JUST LOSE IT,
LIKE, [moans].
"IT'S LIKE, GET HER OUT OF HERE,
YOU KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING.
"ANYWAY, AND SO SHE'S TALKING,
"AND I GOT TO PICK UP
THE DRY CLEANING, YOU KNOW.
"I GOT TO GO PICK UP THE KIDS,
RIGHT?
"AND I GOT TO GET UP, YOU KNOW.
MY MOTHER'S WAITING FOR ME.
"AND SHE'S TALKING, TALKING,
AND FINALLY, I GOT THE CAR KEYS,
"GOING, 'HELLO, CAROL, OTHER
HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET,
"'HELLO, HELLO,' AND FINALLY,
I'M IN THE CAR,
"I'M DRIVING AWAY,
HER UTERUS FALLS OUT.
"I'M EMBARRASSED.
SHE'S EMBARRASSED.
HER UTERUS IS EMBARRASSED."
GUYS DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION.
DO I NEED TO REMEMBER ANY
OF THIS BULLSHIT FOR LATER?
CAN ANY OF THIS COME BACK
AND BITE ME IN THE BALLS?
AFTER A WHILE,
GUYS GET PRETTY GOOD.
THEY CAN PRETEND
THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN WHATHEIR WIFE'S SAYING.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
THEY CAN THROW IN ONE OF THESE.
"NO!
SHE DID NOT.
THAT BITCH."
YOU CAN USUALLY SNEAK
OUT OF THE ROOM AFTER THIS.
"YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
TO HER."
BUT GUYS FRUSTRATE WOMEN.
WE DO, BECAUSE GUYS
COMPARTMENTALIZE.
GUYS BREAK UP THEIR LIVES
IN DIFFERENT SEGMENTS.
WOMEN HATE THABECAUSE THEY FEEL EXCLUDED.
WOMEN DON'T WANT TO FEEL
EXCLUDED, YOU KNOW.
GUYS PUT THEIR FRIENDS HERE
AND THEIR WORK HERE
AND THEIR FAMILY HERE,
THEIR MOM HERE,
THEIR KIDS HERE,
AND THEIR WIFE HERE.
WOMEN HATE THAT.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN HATE FOR US
TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT THEM.
"IS THAT FUN?
WHY CAN'T I GO?
"I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
"IF IT'S SO FUN,
BRING ME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A LITTLE FUN WITH ME?"
GOD FORBID YOU EVER HAVE FUN
WITHOUT YOUR WOMAN AROUND.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY IWAY THE FUCK DOWN.
"SO HOW WAS
THE BACHELOR PARTY?"
"FUCKING SUCKED.
"I WAS BORED TO TEARS
WITH ALL THOSE...TITS.
"COULDN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY
FROM THOSE...TITS.
"I WAS DYING
TO COME HOME TO YOU
"TO HEAR HOW YOUR DAY WAS.
LET ME GET THESE SPARKLES
OFF ME."
[laughter]
[grunts]
OF THE HUNTER-GATHERERS,
YOU LADIES ARE THE GATHERERS.
WOMEN ARE MULTITASKERS.
WOMEN ARE CAPABLE
OF DOING TWO, THREE,
SOMETIMES FIVE THINGS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME,
BUT YET INCAPABLE
OF JUST DOING ONE THING.
WOMEN NEED TWO OR THREE
TO FEEL IN THEIR GROOVE.
NOW, MULTITASKING
IS JUST A NICER WAY
OF SAYING "SCHIZOPHRENIC."
GUYS ARE SINGLE-TASKERS,
SINGLE-FOCUSED BEINGS.
WE DO ONE THING,
PRETTY GOOD AT THE ONE THING,
BUT ONLY ONE THING,
WHICH FRUSTRATES WOMEN
TO NO END BECAUSE WOMEN
CAN DO SO MANY THINGS.
YOU KNOW, WOMEN LOSE IT ON US
ALL THE TIME,
WHERE IT'S LIKE,
"DID YOU NOT HEAR THE KIDS
"DOWN HERE FIGHTING
AND BREAKING SHIT?
COULD YOU NOHEAR ANY OF THAT?"
"I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
I'M MAKING A FUCKING SANDWICH.
"WHAT HAPPENED?
"WE HAVE KIDS?
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
THIS IS SHII NEED TO KNOW."
YEAH, WOMEN CAN'T TURN IT OFF,
AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.
EVEN DURING SEX,
WOMEN ARE STILL THINKING
ABOUT ALL KINDS
OF OTHER THINGS.
GUYS, IF YOU'RE JUST LEARNING
ABOUT THIS NOW, I'M SORRY.
I KNOW IT'S A BIG BLOW
TO OUR EGOS.
NO MATTER HOW WELL WE THINK
WE'RE PERFORMING,
WITH THAT ONE ARM UP THERE,
SUCKING IN YOUR GUT.
OOH.
WITH THAT SEXY LOOK
ON YOUR FACE...
DOESN'T MATTER.
IN HER HEAD,
SHE'S THINKING...
"WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR
TO THAT BABY SHOWER?
"I'M THIRSTY.
"WHAT DID I EAT TONIGHT?
I FEEL GASSY.
"HE BETTER FINISH SOON...
"OR I MIGHT HAVE
TO FAKE ONE.
"DID HE LOCK
THE FRONT DOOR?
"HE'S NOT COMPLAINING
ABOUT THOSE CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN
SHOES NOW, IS HE?"
THAT'S WHY
IT'S IMPORTANT, GUYS,
ALWAYS REMEMBER,
DURING SEX,
ALWAYS GIVE A LITTLE SLAP
ON THE ASS, LIKE,
"HEY!
"FOCUS!
"I'M INSIDE YOU
RIGHT NOW!
TAKE CARE
OF THAT OTHER SHIT LATER!"
THANK YOU SO MUCH.