Rob Schneider: Woke Up in America (2023) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Schneider.
Yeah, Tampa Bay.
We'll be seeing you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's so great to be here in Florida, I tell you.
Florida are the nicest people.
You guys are incredible.
You put up with so much.
You're so kind.
You have people every day just, just running over your border,
just flooding into Florida.
Just every day, just foreigners coming in.
I'm not talking about Mexicans.
I'm talking about people from California and New York.
These motherfuckers.
These guys, coming over here with their vegan
diets, and their yoga pants, and their rock climbing shoes,
you know.
And then, and god, you know, if you want to fuck them up,
give them a piece of cheese.
And they go, oh, fuck, oh I'm lactose intolerant.
Oh, fuck.
God knows, you really want to fuck them,
up give them a piece of toast.
You know, like, oh, fuck, I can't eat gluten.
There's gluten in there.
They're a bunch of pussies.
And I know because I'm one of them.
I actually-- I'm from California.
Gluten intolerant.
I'm a vegan.
I'm from California.
Now I don't mean to complain or anything because nobody--
you don't want to hear my problems.
You don't want to hear, probably.
It's like the thing is, it's just boring to tell people
what's wrong with California.
It seems pretty obvious.
It's overcrowded.
You know, the traffic's terrible.
You know, the taxes are horrible.
You know, the government interferes with every aspect
of your life and your business.
You know, it's just bores people to death.
So what I try to do is tell people
kind of a metaphor for what's wrong with California.
California is like a beautiful woman who used to blow you,
but she hasn't blown you in a long fucking time.
You can't even remember the last time she blew you.
You're like, did she ever fucking blow me?
I don't even remember.
But she's still spending all your fucking money.
And she won't let anybody else blow you.
And now she has homeless people living in her crotch.
My friends in California have million homes, can't
get out of their own driveway.
They're just brainwashed.
And then people are like, people go to live somewhere.
At the end of your driveway?
That's not good for them, either.
How far are you going to take this?
Well, they're on the lawn, but they're not in the house.
As long as they stay on the lawn,
people got to live somewhere.
Well, they're in the living room,
but they're not in the kitchen.
My wife and I spend most of our time in the kitchen.
Well, they're fingering my wife, but they're not fucking her.
You know, as long as people get a finger somewhere,
they're going to finger.
People-- these are people, too, if they need to finger, .
Finger people
so we moved out of calif-- we look different places,
you know.
You know, we went to north Carolina.
My wife's like, there's not enough Mexicans here.
And I said, you got to look around, honey, you know.
Be open minded.
Check the kitchen.
Look around everywhere.
Be open minded.
Look around.
We couldn't stay in California, you know.
The state of California make my kids wear masks in school.
So we moved out to the slightly freer state of Arizona.
The week after we got there, the schools in Arizona
made my kids wear masks.
My wife was-- you know, she said to me-- she's Mexican.
She said to me, are you happy now?
You happy?
We're freer in the desert.
There's cactus in the backyard and coyote.
Not the kind that brought me to this country, either.
Real fucking coyotes that eat your fucking pets.
You happy now?
The kids don't have to wear masks outside,
but they can't go outside anyway because it's
120 fucking degrees outside.
A week, the first week we're in Arizona,
first week in the house, my wife got stung by a scorpion.
Luckily, she's Mexican.
The scorpion was throwing up for hours.
We had to take the scorpion to the hospital
and get his stomach pumped.
This scorpion would not come back to the house
until we had the whole place sprayed for Mexicans.
I'm married in 13 years now.
And I think you know--
don't clap too hard.
It's the third one.
But you know, it's about communication.
That's the real key to it, is communicate.
Your wife wants to know that you're listening to her.
And we are most of the time.
We really are.
It's just sometimes you leave out information,
and then you just move on.
And we're confused like we're not listening to you,
but we just don't know what happened.
I'll give you an example.
Just a few hours ago, a few hours ago, my wife calls me.
And she said, Robert did you realize that the second most
popular plastic surgery procedure for women
now is vaginoplasty?
I got to go.
Don't fucking go.
Don't leave me with your--
don't leave me with that.
So the next hour and a half, I'm on my phone.
I'm going like, vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty.
And it's true.
Apparently, these women's leggings and yoga
pants are so popular yet, you know,
revealing that for some women--
how can I say this gently?
For some women, their vaginas are a little on the beefy side.
You know, ladies, you've been in the locker room.
That's more of an outie than in innie.
Yes, tuck it in.
Tuck it all in. Yeah, just grab.
Just grab both, and just shove.
Yes, better.
Wow, too much.
You could squeeze that all together for a dick.
I'm sorry.
That's how my grandma taught me how to tie my shoes.
I swear, it's like just take the one bunny ear over the other.
Double knot if you're playing sports.
That's a big difference between men and women, you know.
You never see a guy go, yeah, I like the slacks, a lot,
but I'm starting to see way too much cock and balls
down there, yeah.
I know, I'll just cut off some of my balls.
Hit a ball, sack o plasty.
There's not been one ball sack o plasty performed in america.
I checked.
I checked just now.
It's an amazing time to be alive right now.
I never thought I'd see the day where
women would be misogynistically attacked in our culture.
It's unbelievable to me, you know, even using the word
woman now is controversial.
We have a supreme court justice on the supreme court.
They asked her.
They said, can you tell us your definition of what a woman is?
She was like, not falling for that trick question.
You almost had me on that one.
Nah, nah, no.
Not a biologist.
Excuse me.
Everybody knows what a woman is.
A woman is someone who gets mad at you
for something you did three fucking years ago.
Biological fact, a woman is somebody who uses the tires
of her car as curb feelers.
Boom, Jesus.
You could've drove, you asshole.
Yeah, well, now no one can drive because we have a tire that's
100 yards behind our car.
A woman is someone who wakes you up
at 2:00 in the morning to kill a spider in the bathroom.
You said you killed it.
You didn't kill it.
It's still in there.
I didn't say I killed it.
I didn't say anything.
I went in there, and you didn't tell me how fucking big it was.
And I said, I'm not going to deal with this shit right now.
I don't have any pants on.
I don't want to cut it in half, and the other half
lands on my balls and I got to get a ball sack o plasty.
A woman is someone who makes you check every door
and lock in the house after she just checked every door
and locked in the house.
Did you check the garage?
For what?
To see if it's closed.
Well, I mean, when i--
I mean, I closed it when I came home.
Did you check it since?
I didn't go anywhere since.
And you didn't go anywhere since.
I just kind of did the math.
Go check the garage.
Yeah, I checked the garage.
It was closed.
And I checked the front door, too,
because I knew that was coming.
The chain was on, too.
I didn't put the chain on.
Did you put the chain on?
Who put the chain on?
The spider?
You said it was big.
Did you check the sliding glass doors?
No, but I was about to.
First, I wanted to take off my pants, and get into bed,
and find a comfortable sleeping position,
and get my head on the pillow in a perfect place
for like four or five hours.
And then after that, I was going to get up
and put my pants back on and then check
all the sliding glass doors.
I checked the sliding glass doors,
and of course they're all locked.
I get back into bed.
I hear something.
Honey, the only person who wants to kill you
is already in the house.
He knows all the codes.
He could change the codes if he wants.
So here we are.
In the culture, suddenly the word woman is controversial.
Controversial, how?
Because it discriminates.
Against who?
Well, against people who identify as women,
but have dicks.
Like that guy.
He's-- these six guys right here.
These guys, especially the guy in the middle
with the huge dick.
Look at that fucking things.
It's not even hard.
Look at that fucking thing.
Well, he's a woman, too.
Sorry, ladies, your feelings aren't
as important as these dudes.
So unbelievable we're at this point where women--
in the history of the world-- if you look at the history
of the world, this particular culture, this particular time
in humanity has been the freest time for women
in the history of the world.
This is not perfect.
It is not perfect.
But you know, it's pretty darn good.
Seriously, it's pretty good.
I mean, women, not exactly equality with men.
But they're knocking on the door.
They're right there, knocking on the door with men,
knocking on the door.
I'm sorry this looks like a dick,
but you know what I'm saying.
You get the point.
You know what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying.
Hey, listen, by the way, I'm for equal rights
for women of course, equal pay for women.
I mean, I'm not going to give it to you.
But if you get it, you know, I'm not
going to take it away from you.
That's my point.
You hang on.
You go, girl.
Some people refuse to use the word woman now.
The governor whitmer of the great state of Michigan,
she refuses to use the word woman.
And instead she prefers the term chest feeders.
Now it could be worse.
Come on.
You know, chest feeders.
Kind of sexy, kind of gross.
Front hole is another one.
Not very nice.
Not to be outdone, the legacy newspaper the new
York times will no longer use the word
woman in their publication.
Instead, they prefer to use the term people who menstruate.
And for some of you older ladies,
people who used to menstruate.
We want to be inclusive.
It's a little bit longer, ladies, but deal with it.
No, this is serious.
It's already in academia.
It's already all over social media.
You know, it's in politics.
You know, if this thing continues to spread,
the next time you go to a nordstrom's, you're like,
yeah, I'm trying to buy some shoes for my wife.
Am I in the right place in the shoe department
for the people who menstruate?
These shoes look a little big, you know.
I feel like I'm in the shoe department for the people
with outside pussies.
Ball, the sack, the dick, you know.
I know you guys laugh.
Ha, ha, ha.
It's not going to affect me.
We live in the greater Tampa Bay area.
Let me tell you, let me tell you,
someday you're going to have to fly out of that airport
in Tampa Bay to get to another airport,
so you can get to where you really want to fucking go.
I'm saying, let's be honest.
Here it is, though, man.
There's only like three airlines left.
I don't count southwest or spirit.
There's like three.
You know, delta, American.
Well, the biggest, united airlines,
the ceo of united airlines, last month, the ceo,
he announced of all the hiring for all the new pilots that are
coming up this year, all the hiring for the new pilots,
the main focus is going to be diversity.
Not the best pilots you can find?
The ones with the most hours and experience?
The ones who've done it before?
Nope, diversity.
I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of flying
all the time with these white pilots, landing safely
and on time.
I want diversity when I fly.
I want a guy up in the cockpit with, sorry,
pussy pit up there, you know.
Purple haired and an outside pussy up there,
you know, next to some puerto rican midget
with no sense of direction.
I want diversity when I fly.
I want a pilot who says, we're going down in three
different fucking languages.
I want to--
and listen, I have a lot of faith in generation z,
I do, for absolutely no reason.
I have a lot of faith in them, I do, I do.
It's our fault, what's happening,
it is, because we have to be specific with these people.
When we were younger, we could be vague.
These people, you can't just tell them,
you could be anything you want because they'll
take it too far.
They'll take it way too far.
You can't just say, you can be anything you want.
I don't want to be a horsey.
I want to be a wizard.
It's just a fucking movie.
Stop it.
I want to be a girl.
I want to be a girl.
Don't cut your dick off.
Don't cut it off.
Seriously, don't.
No, no, no, no, just hang in there.
In a couple of years, you're going to find a really
fun place to stick that thing.
Seriously, it's hanging.
Don't do that.
For 25 years, I rang yeah.
Thank you, Adam sandler.
I love you too.
But we fucked up at these-- thank you.
I'm a traditional liberal, which makes
me a right wing fascist now.
It does, automatically.
You know, if you're for things like free speech,
or women's rights, or equal rights,
don't judge a person by the color of their skin.
Now they want you to judge somebody
by the color of their skin.
If you're white, you're automatically racist, you know.
It's like, what?
Yeah, you're white.
You're racist.
I don't feel racist.
Well, because you're-- that's how fucking racist you are.
Here's a racist.
Check out this asshole not realizing how racist he is.
I'm half white and half Asian , trying to figure
out which part of me is discriminating
against the other part.
My dick is Asian, I'm positive, 100%.
Well, my balls look kind of white.
They look kind of white, you know.
And I think my balls have been discriminating against my dick,
I do, they do.
You're making us look bad up there, Raul.
I don't know the Filipino.
You can cut that part.
Hey, look.
It's just, it's going to take compassion.
It's going to take compassion, you know.
I mean, it's not easy being a liberal.
It's not.
It's sad.
You see them alone in their cars with their masks on.
I don't want to give covid to myself.
Hey , you in the other car, my mask only
works when you're wearing one.
I've got nothing against masks, seriously.
I mean, for some people, it was the best thing that ever
happened for two fucking years.
Seriously, seriously.
You know who I'm talking about.
People with really sexy eyes but a fucked up grille.
They're like, what?
I'll put the mask back on, so you can fuck me.
Yeah, no problem.
No, going on right now.
I'll look back at you, but I'll keep the mask on.
Good one.
I knew this country was in trouble when I went to a bank,
and the guard at the bank was like, excuse me, sir.
You're in a bank.
You have to wear a mask.
Well, you guys did a whole 180 on that motherfucker,
didn't you?
The last 100 years, you wore a mask in the bank,
you were the bad guy.
All right, here you go.
Give me all your fucking money.
Let's go.
Let's fucking-- this was going to be a deposit.
Now it's a robbery.
I got winded just doing that, and i'm
so fucking out of shape.
But I was in Los Angeles last summer,
and they still had the mask thing in stores, you know.
And so I walked in.
And usually, I wore my mask this way because most of my germs
come out of my chin.
Just sort of.
So I walked into a store, and there was somebody
working, which is great.
You know, anybody working anywhere, you know.
And you just happy, like, oh, fuck, it's open.
Shit, all right.
So anyway, I walked in.
And you know, she's just doing her job.
You can't get mad.
But she came up to me and said, excuse me, sir.
I need to put your mask on.
Sir, I need to put your-- sir, need to put your mask on.
It's a little aggressive.
But you know, she's just doing her job, you know.
But then she added these two words.
Sir, I need to put your mask on for me, for me, for me.
And I was like, oh, for you?
Ok, show me your tits.
For me, for me, for me.
We're all in this together.
I'll put the mask on.
You let me see those floppy things under your sweater.
We're all in it.
We're all.
Everybody wins, everybody.
The fuck?
We're all in this together.
We're not all in this together.
I'm sorry.
I want you to do good.
We're not all in this together.
I'm sorry.
Like, when I moved last year, none of you fuckers
showed up to help me with the couch or anything.
You didn't.
Because we're not all in this together.
Your problems are your problems.
My problems are fucking my problems, you know?
I'm sorry, it's not my job, you're prediabetic,
for me to run around the fucking grocery store knocking donuts
out of your fucking mouth.
You're on your own.
I got you, pal.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what it means.
Traditional liberalism.
You know, women's rights, gay rights.
Gay rights.
Well, first of all, gay rights were the civil rights
of the '70s, '80s, and '90s.
They just were.
You know, and this is the freest country.
These are our neighbors, our brothers and sisters.
These are people that deserve to be free in the freest country
in the world.
I mean, there was actually an anti--
There were anti-sodomy laws in 37 states.
Get that out of your mouth.
In america, you know?
Lesbians weren't allowed to adopt in some states, you know.
And you know, people were being discriminated
against by the basis of their sexual orientation,
which was wrong.
Luckily, they fought for these things.
And they got the big one.
They got the big one, gay marriage.
I was always for gay marriage.
You know, I mean, if they want to be
just as miserable as me, it was like, go for it, you know.
Jump in.
But I just think what happened was the gays won, thankfully.
And they went to go live their lives in the freest country
in the history of the world.
But they left the door open a little bit,
and the crazy gay people snuck in with all the pronouns.
And by the way, my pronouns are he and ha,
just so everybody can start.
You know, and, hey, listen.
I'm from-- gay pride, yeah?
Gay pride day, I'm all for it.
I will say gay pride month seems a little
pushy, to be honest with you.
It's a month, you know.
Four weeks in a row, you know.
A month.
We only get 12.
Well, basically, 11 because it's gay pride month again after 11.
We get veterans day, a day.
You know, veterans, you fought for the country.
It's over.
Turn off the barbecue.
Done, sorry.
No, no, no.
Veterans day, it's again now.
Memorial-- memorial weekend.
Memorial weekend, yep, that's it.
It's done.
Sorry, it's Monday's over.
Got to put the boat back on the truck.
Let's go. Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of the lake. It's over.
Memorial weekend, over.
We got president's day.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.
He kept the union together.
Gets a day, not even his own day.
He has to share it with George Washington.
He doesn't get a day, either.
And he founded the whole fucking country
but Washington has to share it with Lincoln.
What if they want to suck each other's dicks,
they would have got a whole fucking month.
That's all I'm saying.
No, no, come on.
It's not possible because Lincoln was so tall.
You know, conservatives, you're freer.
But you have to be careful.
You can't just say whatever you think on Facebook.
You get fired for that shit.
If you have something crazy to say like men can't have babies,
say it in person.
You know what I'm saying?
So there's some plausible deniability.
Otherwise, like, I never said men can't have babies.
I like my tech job, I do.
I do.
And I said they can have a lot of babies
is what I actually said.
Men can't have babies.
I don't care.
I don't care what--
I don't care.
I don't care what they say.
I feel something.
It's a turd.
Ok, you can't.
You can't, you can't.
Take some metamucil.
This problem is going to work its way out.
You're freer.
But if you're a liberal, you're scared all the time
because you never know where they're going
to go after you, because you have to buy into all
the ideology or you're out.
You know, 2 plus 2 equals 4.
Maybe, what?
That could be racist.
What did the two say?
Did the two say--
you know who's under attack now?
The l's.
Lesbians are under attack.
Yeah, no, look it up later.
No, if you're a lesbian and you refuse to date
or have relations with someone who identifies as a lesbian
but has a dick, you are ridiculed
online as a genital bigot, a genital racist.
It's like, what?
Leave the lesbians alone.
Lesbians, lesbians got out of the whole male genitalia
business a long fucking time ago.
They didn't want different genitalia.
They wanted the same.
They want to be left alone with other lesbians to do the whole,
you know.
Scissor fucking and eating pussy, I'll just say it.
And I get it.
Hey, look.
I get it.
I want to do the same thing.
I don't know about the scissor fucking part,
but I'll try anything.
I'll get it.
All right, let me know when you're done, honey.
No, you get yours.
Just get yours, honey.
You get yours.
No, my ass fell asleep about four hours ago.
You get yours.
I love you, honey.
Can you imagine lesbians having to deal
with this kind of harassment?
Can you imagine?
Like, come on.
You're a lesbian.
I identify as a lesbian.
Let's just do what lesbians do.
Come on.
Suck my dick.
Yes, please let me fuck you.
Please let me fuck you like a good lesbian.
Please, please, come back, come back, come back.
You should take a drink before this next fucking joke,
This is a tough one.
Here we go.
98% of all straight men refuse to perform
oral sex on a feminine penis.
I'm sorry, but that 2% still seems way too fucking high.
Way too fucking high.
It's me.
I know what that is.
That's a dick.
Yeah, I got one.
Yeah, I got one.
I'm sorry.
I'm straight over here.
That's a feminine penis?
Why didn't you say so four hours ago?
Give me that fucking thing.
Ah, ah.
Are these feminine balls underneath there.
I'll go to town on those bad boys--
I mean bad girls.
Ah, ah.
First of all, this is all bullshit with the liberals
and conservatives.
That's just the device they use to divide us.
And so that's what that's all it is.
When there was a flood a couple of summers ago in Houston,
Texas, and when they took the boats to go rescue people
that were up on top of their homes, here's
what they didn't say.
Are you a democrat or republican up there?
Well, that fucking boat's coming.
Good luck with that one.
It's a kayak.
It's better for the environment.
They said, get in the boat.
So because we're all Americans.
We help each other when we're down.
Now I say that--
I said, I voted for trump in 2016.
For some people, that's an issue for some people, you know.
I mean, first of all, you know, I
was in-- it was in California.
And you know, I had--
I was right in the kitchen.
Just right on my kitchen counter,
I had the ballot because in California they mail
you like a hundred of them.
You get them there, you know.
I was filling them.
Not all of them.
I'm not an asshole.
But I was filling out, you know, three or four or five
at the most, that's all.
Trump, trump, trump, trump, trump.
Because here's the thing.
I know the guy, you know.
I don't know him well, but I'm the only person you're ever
going to be in the same room with who
made a movie with Donald Trump.
You know, home alone 2.
We had to put him in it.
It was his hotel.
He's a big dude.
He was just walking around in front of the camera like eh.
We're like, maybe if we put him in it, he'll go away.
And we did.
And he did.
But anyway, I didn't think much about that after.
So anyway, a few years after that thing,
I appeared with him on-- remember
when trump decided I'm going to run for president
and going to run.
And then he was going to do that.
And then he didn't, you know, for a bunch of times.
This is one of the times he didn't.
So I was on the tonight show and with trump.
He was the first guest with Jay leno.
And I'm backstage with Jay.
And he said, look, you got any jokes
about Donald Trump or anything?
I said no.
Nothing I want to say.
No, you just say it.
He said just say it, you know, say it.
You should just say the joke.
You know, it's a joke.
You know, he's got to know it's a joke.
He's going to know it's a joke.
You know, we had some fun with him.
Have some fun. You know, it's a joke.
Anyway, so we're doing the segment.
And then Jay leno sees there's some extra time.
And he says, what was that story you were saying about trump?
What were you saying?
What was that about?
You fucker, you.
Fucked man.
So then I had to say it, you know.
I was like, well, you know, the difference between me
and Donald Trump is when I got started,
my daddy didn't give me $40 million.
I swear to god, trump looked right at me
like, that's not true.
That's a lie.
You're a liar, liar, liar.
It's not true, it's not true.
He's just lying.
I was like, whatever.
Just a few years after that--
I don't know, five, seven.
I don't know, 10 years after it, I went through a divorce.
And I was really depressed.
And I wasn't leaving my house or anything.
My publicist was worried about me.
She said, listen.
Just get out of your house.
Just go to this, just go to this event.
They'll have your name.
You'll have fun.
Just, just go.
Just, you need to get out.
And I went to this place.
And there's all these people, and cars,
and shit, and cameras.
And I went up to the place and said, yeah, I'm Rob Schneider.
And she said, oh, yeah, yeah.
Here you go.
And she handed me this thing.
And it said Rob Schneider, judge.
I said, what?
What is this?
It's the miss usa pageant.
And I'm a judge.
And you know who owns it?
Donald Trump owns the whole fucking thing.
You know how like rich guys, with the rich, you know,
they get like two homes.
You know, and a boat or something.
You know, if you're really, really, really rich,
you get like a sports team.
Or for Donald Trump, it's like he really
wants to be like with ditz--
whatever, you know.
So I get in my little thing.
And then they whisk me in the back room.
You know, the back room.
And Donald Trump comes in.
And he says, hey, listen.
Vote for whoever you want.
I'm not going to tell you who to vote for.
Vote for who you want.
I don't care.
I'm not going to tell you.
You vote for who you want.
But, but if you love your country like I love my country,
if you love it, if, if you love your country,
if you're a patriot, then you're going to vote for the blond
from Texas with big tits.
Then america can win miss universe.
You want america to win, right?
Vote who you want.
So I was like, fuck, I'll vote for whatever you want.
I didn't even know I was going to be here an hour ago,
you know?
It's like, I'd vote-- where do I fill it out?
Can I go now, you know?
And then we had to meet the contestants who came in.
It's like, all right, we know who we're supposed to vote for.
And then this other contestant came in,
and she was the opposite of a blonde with big tits.
She's the opposite of a blonde, the other spectrum,
like over here, that.
You know what I'm saying?
So anyway, not-- so--
and she came in and said, listen,
I didn't even want to do this.
And I go, yeah?
Yeah, I just like-- you know, my friends told me I'm pretty.
I should do it.
Who knows?
I might get lucky.
I got one year more of medical school, and if I win this,
it's 100,000 bucks to pay for medical school
to become a doctor.
And we're like, well, you know, let's give it to her, you know?
I mean, it's like-- it doesn't make us better people.
I mean, you guys would have done the exact same thing.
You would've done the exact same thing.
You know, the blonde with the big tits
is-- she's going to find, you know, a trump-- well,
she really did find trump.
She found the guy.
He obviously-- he found her.
You know, but this girl, who can actually
help people in her life, to become a doctor.
So we voted, and she won miss usa, you know?
And so they took us back after, and Donald Trump was not happy
with the results of the vote.
You don't love your country.
You don't.
You don't.
You're a loser, loser, loser, loser.
Now we're going to lose.
We're going to lose to China.
We're going to lose to China.
Thank you.
You don't love your country.
You don't. I do.
You don't.
We're going to lose to China.
So I was walking out of there, you know, and I felt bad,
you know?
I felt bad.
And I went up to him, and I said, listen, Donald, i--
I'm sorry that you didn't get the girl that you wanted.
I know it seemed like it meant a lot to you, and I'm sorry.
But also, I'm sorry for that joke I said about you on leno.
And he looked at me.
He said, what joke?
It's not important.
You know, you--
no, I like jokes.
What was the joke?
Tell me the joke.
Well, you didn't like it the first time.
You didn't, so.
Tell me.
It was just the differences, you know?
From what?
Between you and me.
Which is what?
My daddy didn't give me $40 million to get started.
You look, there was--
I swear to god, he looked right at me.
He said, I hate you now.
I do.
I hate you.
I hate you, loser, loser.
I hate you, loser.
And I was like, whatever.
It's not like you're ever going to be president of the united
states or whatever.
If Joe Biden was a dog, you'd put him down.
You would have to.
You know?
You know those dogs that are so old and fucked up,
they just look like, please, kill me, please.
Please, kill me.
No, look at this eye snot.
Please, kill me.
Look, I just shit in my own food bowl an hour ago.
What more information do you need?
Please, kill me.
Kill me.
We're all in this together.
Hey, listen, by the way, just so you know,
I would fuck a democrat.
I would.
I would.
I would.
I just wouldn't talk about politics before.
You know what I mean?
You know?
And so, right when I was coming, I voted for trump.
Sorry, it's a joke.
So cut to 2016, back in the kitchen,
you know, where I'm voting.
And my wife comes in.
You vote for Donald Trump?
17 times you vote for him?
Do you know your wife is a mexicana?
Your daughters are mexicanas.
Your family is from Mexico.
You vote for him, then you're racist too.
I'll never look at you the same way again ever.
I swear to god, four years later, my wife's like,
fuck, I can't believe it, but I'm voting for trump.
Holy shit, let me tell you.
I don't know.
I am not a person who menstruates.
I'm a woman.
I'm a .
I think we're all still recovering from post traumatic
scam-demic syndrome, you know?
By the way, the Chinese are trying to kill us.
They are.
Forget about covid.
Forget about that.
They've been trying to kill us since the '70s.
Remember kung pao chicken, how spicy that shit was?
Yeah, trying to kill us.
Yeah, it was scary because we didn't know what
was happening at the beginning.
You know, it was like, it's just killing old people.
We're good.
We're good.
And then you look at your phone.
No, it's just killing people who are really, really out
of shape.
Wait, I'm really, really out of shape.
Wait a minute.
This guy's parachute didn't open, and he died of covid.
Maybe that's how you get it.
You know, you're falling.
You're breathing all that shit in.
You see, when you're in a place of fear,
you know, your common sense takes
a back seat because your most primal instinct is survival.
Your common sense takes a backseat.
That's how they were able to get away with this one.
We're very lucky.
We have a selective virus.
Very lucky.
You want to go to the gym, dead.
Haircut, dead.
Nails done, dead.
Church, dead.
You want to go to target or Walmart?
Come on in. You're good.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
The virus knows you need some shit.
Standing up at a restaurant dead.
Sit down at a restaurant, the virus will go
right over your fucking head.
Right over your head.
You feel that, honey?
That was the virus going over the head.
Yeah, we're sitting down.
You respect us.
I thought the most interesting thing
that happened during the pandemic
was right in the middle when we weren't
sure what was happening.
You know, this is a real virus, you know,
or this is the biggest transfer of wealth in human history.
We weren't fucking sure what was going to happen.
Weren't sure.
Right in the middle.
Right in the middle.
And you weren't sure.
You know, our own government, the Pentagon, the armed forces
branch of our own government, decided to release
actual footage of an unidentified flying object,
admitting for the first time something
else they've been lying about for 60 years,
that ufos are real, that aliens exist.
Three minutes and 17 seconds, this f-16 fighter pilot off
the coast of Florida, because all the weird shit
always happens in Florida--
and the f-16 videotape this alien craft.
He seemed to be doing unbelievable gravity defying
moves beyond our human comprehension,
and technology seemed like the craft was
making the space move out of the way
so the space could move into it.
Then after three minutes and 17 seconds,
it took off at 20,000 miles an hour into the solar system,
never to be seen again.
And they released this to all of us,
this footage saying, yes, ufos are real.
Aliens exist.
They released it to all of us, and nobody gave a shit.
Nobody cared.
People are like, aliens are real?
Do they have any toilet paper?
Because I need toilet paper.
But anyway, my wife, though, the best thing that ever happened
to me, Patricia, she said--
she said to me, listen.
It's the pandemia.
You're not making any movies with Adam sandler right now.
You have time on your hands.
You're not playing a Hawaiian guy in any movie right now.
This one my good eye.
Hey, kikkikukalaw, get your butt out of the dishwasher.
Shark only bite you when you try to touch their private parts.
Aquariums make me super horny.
I'm sorry.
You're not doing that movie right now.
You're not playing a gigolo in a movie right now either.
That's a huge bitch, which was-- it's true.
This is a true story.
I was at the airport, and a professional female basketball
player came up to me.
She said, Mr. Schneider.
I just want you to know, ever since that movie, "deuce
Bigelow," came out, I've never been
able to walk through the airport without somebody yelling out
"that's a huge bitch" to me.
I didn't know that joke would leave the movie.
I didn't think, you know--
I thought it would stay in the movie.
I didn't know, but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help it, but she was getting on the plane
like, freak, behemoth, keep it in the circuit.
I did not do that.
I didn't have to.
Other people did it for me.
They did, because they saw the movie, I guess, too.
Do you have time on your hands right now?
You're not playing any girls in any movies either.
Hey, bro, it's me, Jessica.
I'm in here.
I remember when you moved here from Arkansas.
Everybody threw rocks at you because you talked funny.
Your front teeth were brown.
I'm your only friend.
Billy, I should have made love to you when I had the chance.
Father mulcahy?
Well, my favorite line in the movie
is you think you're so cool because you
could pee with your penis.
Can I get a sex on the beach with extra sugar on the rim?
Sorry, that was too long.
I could do the whole movie, but I shouldn't.
My wife said, you have-- you have time right now.
You need to get a vasectomy.
Vasectomy, b-a-s-e-t-o-m-y, "bah-sec-tuh-me,"
snippy snippy time.
The baby factory, closed.
No .
No more girls.
Snippy snippy time.
And so I'll be honest with you.
You know, i-- yeah, I did it.
And I just-- you know, first of all,
it's a much simpler operation for us guys
to get a vasectomy than it is for women
to get their tubes tied.
I mean, even though technically it's her fucking job.
I know you're like, huh, what the fuck?
Anyway, so-- so-- and by the way,
it's a very intimate procedure, the vasectomy.
You know, holy fuck.
Not distracting at all.
Don't worry about it.
Audience is totally like, it's going to kill him, I think.
Maybe it'll fucking hit him, and then we'll get on the news.
Anyway, it's a very unsubtle camera move.
It's all I'm saying.
Anyway, so I did it.
And by the way, there's very few, you know, complications,
but I will go into them now.
It's a very sensitive, a very intimate procedure.
You know, a vasectomy requires another man to have his hands
on your balls for an hour.
That's a long time to make eye contact, you know?
One of the weird things about being famous, or whatever I am,
you know, you meet people I probably
wouldn't if I wasn't, you know?
And so I had a friend of mine.
I met the friend at some charity function.
He's the chief of surgery.
You know, like we stayed friends,
and then he moved out to Milwaukee.
And so I said, honey, if I have to have another man
with his hands on my balls for an hour,
can it at least be someone I've had dinner with?
There's your wine.
Robbie, you good with the wine?
Oh, yeah.
So my wife was happy to get rid of me for the whole procedure.
And she had me fly out to Milwaukee
because that's where Dr. Salameh is.
And he's such a nice guy.
He picked me up at the airport.
The chief of surgery picking you up at the airport, you know?
And then he drove me right to the surgical room, not
operating room, just surgical room,
literally just a room with a chair that goes, nyeah.
And then he said, so did you read some of the stuff
I sent you?
And I said, no.
No, I didn't.
I didn't want to get freaked out by anything, you know?
I figured, if it was important, you'd tell me.
You will tell me, right?
You would tell me.
And he said, ok, first thing we're going to do
is I'm going to put some numbing cream on your scrotum.
And then I'm going to give you a shot between your testicles
You will feel that.
But then after that, it's just going to be slightly
uncomfortable, you know, like somebody digging
around in your scrotum looking for stuff.
Probably never had anybody do that before.
You know, you're like, how would I?
How would that come up, you know?
And I was like, ow, ow, ow.
What was that?
He said, that's just the numbing cream.
Well, you must have a callus on your finger
then, because that hurt like a motherfucker.
And then he gave me a shot between my balls.
Let me tell you something.
When you get a shot between your balls,
you will put down your fucking phone at that.
Yeah, you will.
You have my complete attention.
What else can I do for you?
Then he was right.
After that, I was just slightly uncomfortable, you know,
like somebody digging around in my scrotum looking for stuff,
you know?
And then I smelled smoke.
I smell smoke.
What is that?
Well, that's you.
I'm on fire right now?
What part of me is burning, exactly?
What-- and he said, well, we just
severed the vas deferens veins, and then we soldered them off,
you know?
That's the smoke you smell, your flesh burning.
That was going to be my second guess, I swear to god.
Was that necessary?
The fire thing?
Well, that's what a vasectomy is.
I mean, if you would have read the stuff I sent you.
Basically, what I'm trying to do is prevent
your little swimmers from getting to where
they want to go, you know?
He dumbed it down right away for me.
And I was still high from all the medication, you know?
Plus I got a little bit extra because i'm
Rob fucking Schneider.
Like, come on, man.
I'm your friend.
Who's your friend?
I thought I was your friend.
You know me.
I need more.
Give it to me.
My friend.
So anyway, so I said to him, so do i--
do I still make the little swimmers?
And he said, hey, I'm not taking out your testicles.
I'm just preventing your swimmers from getting
to where they want to go.
I said, well, if I still make them, where do they go?
And he said, the body reabsorbs most of them.
I said, yeah?
What about the smart ones?
You know, the ones that are like, oh, fuck,
it's all burned out right here.
There's got to be another way out of here.
Come on, guys, let's try to sneak out the asshole.
Let's go. You, go.
You, go.
My turn.
What about those guys, the smart ones?
He said, I wouldn't worry about it.
It's like, dude, I'm never going to not worry about it.
I'm worried right now.
I need to know where every swimmer
is at all times in my body.
I can't have them swimming around, and I have no--
I can't-- I can't have them swim.
I can't.
I can't be like--
one day I'm watching an Italian movie.
I start to tear up a little bit.
The next thing I got, like, jizz coming on my eyeballs.
I need to know where they all are at all times starting now.
Then he said, ok, now, Robbie, we're going to close
up your incision right now.
And what I'm going to do is I'm going to use surgical glue.
This way, it'll lessen the likelihood of you
having any unattractive scars.
And I said, you know, I'm not worried about that.
I mean, I don't think there's a chance that, you know,
one day I'd be at some event where I'd be like hey, hey--
I'm at the oscars.
Hey, will Smith just slapped the shit out of Chris rock.
Yeah, that's fucked up, but look at Rob Schneider's balls.
Look at that.
Lift your Asian dick.
Look at that.
Scar right there.
I guess anything's possible.
I guess I could be at the one korean spas in downtown tampa
bay, you know?
I drop my towel.
I go to pick it up, you know?
My dick goes to the right.
Some old korean guy looks at me and goes
like, oh, that's fucked up.
You got a scar on your ball sack.
I'm going to throw up now.
Oh, oh.
You should have taken the glue, bitch?
Why didn't you take the glue?
No for you, motherfucker.
That's korean for please or thank you.
I don't remember.
So anyway, then the--
Dr. Baz said, ok, look.
On top of the surgical glue, I'm going
to put a thick layer of gauze.
That way, for the flight home, it'll feel like your dick
is in a bird's nest.
Thank you.
I didn't know I was going to get a bird's nest out of this.
Thank you.
So I flew home, you know?
I took every pain pill I had left for the flight home,
you know?
And it was a good thing, because there was turbulence.
I knew not to expect any sympathy from my wife
because women don't have sympathy for their husbands
when we get injured.
That's right.
You know-- you know, ladies, whenever you get hurt,
who's right there?
We are.
We are.
Yeah, we're right there.
Oh, honey, can I rub it and fuck you?
Can I rub fuck-- can I rub you and then fuck?
Ooh, you want some ice, honey?
Can I get you some ice?
Can I fuck?
Can I fuck with the--
with the ice? Without the ice?
It doesn't have to be with the ice.
I'm just like, I'm already rubbing you.
I should be fucking you. I mean, we're already here.
We're halfway there.
I'm just here for you.
I love you.
Because we're gentlemen.
That's right.
Ladies, we have to pee in the middle of the night.
Do we wake you up?
We don't even turn on the light.
We just get out of bed, try not to make
too much motion on the bed.
You know, we get out, and then we make our way out of the room
in the pitch darkness just by rubbing our leg
against the side of the bed, you know, until we get to the wall.
We find our way to the next wall.
And you feel around till you get to the bathroom doorknob,
you know?
Then you open it up.
You don't turn the light on until you close the door.
Because you're a gentleman.
You do your business.
You turn the light off.
You come out, and you're half fucking blind.
You try to navigate your way back to the bed,
and nine of your toes successfully make it.
But the baby toe finds one of the legs of the bed.
Oh, cunt fucker.
Oh, cunt fucker.
Oh, motherfucker.
Your wife turns a light on.
Your toe is pointing the other way.
The nail is completely off.
Let me see that thing.
Save that.
You should save that.
This is a special night for you.
As soon as my wife saw me, she said, let me see it.
I was like, excuse me?
Let me see it, your big operation.
I said, now?
At the airport?
That's it?
That small little scar?
That's what you've been complaining
about for three days?
Oh, they're going to cut my balls.
You're such a pussy.
You're such a pussy.
You are.
I had two human beings come out of my vagina,
screaming, with their eyes wide open.
Men couldn't have babies.
You could-- you couldn't.
You couldn't.
If men had to have babies, there would be abortion clinics
at every 7-Eleven, every target, every Walmart,
every nordstrom's rack, every gas station.
What's that thing under your dick?
It's a bird's nest.
I'm surprised you never heard about it.
It comes with it.
How does it come off?
I didn't read any of his stuff.
I didn't want to get freaked out by it.
Hey, doc.
Yeah, it's Rob.
Yeah, I got a question for you.
You know, the bird's nest is glued on there really good.
Good job with that.
Just curious, how does one take that off, exactly?
Just use a little, um, q-tip and a little fingernail Polish
It'll come right off.
All right.
What did doctor say?
He said use fingernail Polish remover.
Don't use that!
Yeah, but that's what the doctor--
I don't care what he said.
That's toxic.
I don't want anything toxic on your balls.
Those things slap up against me.
Not that fast, but you know.
Well, what do I use?
Use tea tree oil.
What's tea tree oil?
It's just as good as-- just as good as fingernail Polish
remover, but it's non-toxic.
Use it.
I'm going to watch you.
So she follows me, you know?
She follows me into the shower, you know, like, naked.
She hands me the tea tree oil.
I pour the whole fucking thing on, you know?
The bird's nest comes right off.
And then I see some other problems happening.
Hey, doc, patrice said she didn't want me to use
the fingernail Polish remover.
Yeah, but that's what you should use.
Yeah, but she didn't-- she didn't want me to use it.
Yeah, but I'm the doctor.
Yeah, but you don't live with this crazy bitch.
You've never seen her.
She's like-- she wears me--
she just wears me down.
I do whatever she says.
It's just-- ok, just don't use tea tree oil.
Why, what's wrong with the tea tree oil?
Well, that'll melt the surgical glue,
and your balls will fall down to the floor.
Is that what those two white things are in there, those?
Did you use tea tree oil?
At least you don't have to worry anymore
how those other little swimmers are going to get out.
That's a true story.
All right, you guys have been fantastic.
I'm sorry this has been so long, but I just want
to do everything that I can do.
I will tell you--
I will say thank you.
Thank you.
I will say--
I will say that, like, I've been very blessed,
and at the same time, you know, things happen in your career.
I mean, first of all, I had no idea
that one day I would be blackballed
by the pharmaceutical industries and tried to be canceled.
And let me just tell you, they can't do
it because I have you people.
So thank you very much.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
And last, I'll leave you with this true story.
I was able to make a movie last year called "daddy
daughter trip," and I hadn't starred
in a movie in a lot of years.
And it's a lot of fun.
And you know, well, it's fun to make a movie because you get
to write it with your friends.
Like, I got to write it with my wife,
Patricia, and Jamie lissow, who's
on gutfeld a lot of times.
Yeah, yeah.
First time I ever got a response on that one with Jamie.
He never got a response before.
Just kidding, Jamie.
Anyway, he's going to watch this.
So anyway, we got to film it, which is fun,
and edit it, which is-- you really
make the movie in editing, and I missed that, you know?
And then you get to put music in it-- music, which is so fun,
you know?
I got to write the theme with my buddy, John hunter.
You know, and then they asked-- we have
a little bit of money-- was there any songs
you want to maybe buy?
And I said, what about a Paul McCartney song?
And they said, ok, but then there'll
be no more money for the rest of the movie, you know?
He's the most expensive guy in the world.
Paul McCartney, $600,000 for one song, you know?
So that's like a tenth-- the whole budget of the movie.
So anyway, you know, after we bought the song, we like--
I heard he was going to be touring.
And I went like, you know, for $600,000,
I should get some fucking free tickets to that show.
You know, I was like--
I don't-- I didn't want to be--
I didn't want to be an asshole.
I don't want to be an asshole.
So I texted his manager.
I'm like, hey, listen, it's Rob Schneider, $600,000.
Hey, it's Rob Schneider.
Look, I heard Paul McCartney is going
to be performing in Texas.
I just happened to buy tickets.
I'm going to be there.
Anyway, is it possible I could get to say hi to Mr. McCartney?
And he said, we'll text you the night of the show,
see what we could do.
I was like, oh, amazing.
We'll see what happens.
Who knows, you know?
Then after that, I flew to Mexico
to direct a movie that my wife wrote, "amor es amor,"
for Paramount plus.
And it could be good.
I don't know.
I don't speak Spanish, but it seems like they were
looking at each other a lot.
So that's-- when I was down in Mexico,
I got covid, you know, because everybody
surrounding me was vaccinated.
You know, that's-- that's how you get it.
So then I recovered from that.
I recovered from that, and then I flew back to the states
to Arizona.
And then it was time to go see Paul McCartney.
So I took my daughter, Miranda, who's the daughter
in "daddy daughter trip."
And she's nine, and I thought, you know,
when I was nine, what a big deal the Beatles were.
Who knows how long he's going to be doing this?
Let's just go see Paul McCartney in concert.
And so on the plane on the way to see Paul McCartney,
my daughter comes down with covid.
Like, my daughter's like, I don't feel good, dad.
I think I got when you had.
And I was like, you're fine.
You're probably fine.
You're fine.
You're good.
You're good.
Probably-- I think you're good.
I didn't know.
We didn't have a test.
But I knew she had it, you know?
Anyway, I said, don't worry.
We're just going to go straight to the concert.
We're not even gonna-- we're just gonna go--
this way, you'll hear music.
You feel better.
I feel better when I'm sick and I hear music.
Oh, music, I feel better, you know?
So we went to the concert, and I'm thinking,
he's not gonna call me.
He's Paul McCartney.
They're going to forget, whatever.
You know, you know.
And my daughter's like, I don't feel good.
I want to go to the hotel.
Well, just one more song.
You said that seven songs ago.
Yeah, but these are Beatles songs.
They're like a minute and a half, two minutes tops.
It's not like led zeppelin or whatever.
And then I got this buzz on my phone.
Sp will meet you 20 minutes after the performance.
Start making your way backstage during the "live and let die"
Sir Paul.
Meet me.
I can't be the guy who kills Paul McCartney.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I get enough bad press as it is.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
You know, but $600,000.
Anyway, and then all of a sudden, the fireworks go off.
And he starts singing.
You know, starts singing "live and let die."
And I was like, come on, honey.
We got to do the right thing.
Come on.
Let's go backstage.
Like, this is so wrong.
I know.
I know.
This is-- but, like, he's not going to come out.
He's Paul McCartney.
I'm sure they just have people come.
He's like-- you know?
And then I start looking around, going, well, you know,
the ceilings are pretty high.
Seems to be good airflow, you know?
I mean, like, that works in our favor pretty good, you know?
And then he comes in the room by himself, Paul McCartney.
And he's really tall, which also works in our favor.
And he comes right up to me and said, I liked the movie.
Paul McCartney, you saw my movie, "daddy daughter trip."
He's like, I didn't see the whole movie, just the
little bit with my song in it.
Got to make sure it's not a piece of crap.
You know what I mean?
Who's that behind you?
No one.
There's no one.
There's no one behind me.
And my daughter's like, I have covid!
He gave me covid!
Now I have covid!
Now you're going to get covid!
Mr. McCartney, I feel terrible, seriously.
I-- awful, terrible.
I-- you know, wow.
I didn't think you were even going to come.
I don't know.
I feel terrible, seriously.
But you know, you're 80.
That's pretty good.
80 is solid.
80 is good.
I would take 80, you know?
You know, 80.
You know.
It's not like-- it's not like you
die at 80 anyone's going to feel like you got ripped off.
I mean 80s a solid--
you know, if you look at all the rock and roll, you know, 80--
80-- you know, 80 is--
That's like two John lennons.
You know, but John Lennon and the other, you know?
You said so yourself, live and let die.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Tampa Bay.
You can do it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thanks for coming, Tampa Bay.
I love you.