Robin Williams: Off the Wall (1978) Movie Script
1
My name is Robin Williams.
Your pants are so tight, you
can tell what religion you are.
My name is Robin Williams.
Cute little guy.
My name is Hank Williams.
Oh.
My name is Robin Williams.
I, Robin Williams, while
still a high school senior,
achieved international
prominence in the fall of 1955
by discovering a cure for polio.
The following January, I was
chosen to serve my country
as the Secretary of Defense.
I spent the next five years
chauffeuring George Jessel
to and from Vietnam.
I am currently prime
minister of Uganda,
and am visiting this country
to promote tourism in my country.
Your mama, Robin Williams.
Keep up.
Ah.
I'm ready now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Home Box Office and The Roxy
are pleased to present
Robin Williams!
Thank you.
God bless!
Stumble.
- You motherfuckers.
- Way to go, Robin!
Go, Robin!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
- Keep trying, Robin!
- Yes!
Thank you.
I'd like to thank the Academy.
You've made life too unreal.
Billy Bob, I'm on TV!
I'm so happy to be here,
I could drop a log, boy.
This is for you, Marlene.
Squeal!
I'm here!
Yeah, way to go!
Whoa, we got some
crazy people here, good.
Oh, damn.
Firstly, before we go on,
is anyone here tonight on drugs?
Me!
Okay.
A quick test right now.
If you are, it's okay.
Don't be afraid.
Come on now, follow
me through the wall.
Anyone really stoned
right now is going,
"Wow, reality, what a concept."
Too many friends!
So, this is comedy heaven!
Well, we'll put this down.
I guess I'd like to start off
with something that I'm
very proud of right now.
I know.
I'll have to ask these
people to move back, though.
Yes, you ready, Simba?
Oops, let's wander
back just for a second,
way over to the shitty
seats way in the back.
Oh.
Shitty sheets.
You're making fun of me.
That's not, oh, look,
they've elected a new Pope!
No!
Everyone I've ever
known or been to...
There are people here
I've slept with twice!
Wait.
I've always wanted to do this.
Hold on, just for a second.
Fred Astaire.
Can you feel the
moon when the bay
And the Broadway girls in May
Howdy.
Let me just, these
people are back again.
They've jammed 'em.
Welcome to America.
Hold on.
Sanctuary!
Hold on.
Watch now, he could
either be very funny
or break his ass.
Quick impression, RCA Victor.
Oh, these are
incredible, look at this!
Nice booth, huh, Mister Lincoln?
I will now attempt to do an... no.
That would be in total bad taste.
It would lose many people at home.
One black person, everybody look!
Shh, he's still
talking, he's going,
"You better be funny
now, motherfucker."
I was, what am I doing
up here, oh, two!
Oh, no!
I'm sorry.
We'll do a quick impression now.
I better get back down.
Welcome to Notre Dame.
Way back down.
I'll be right back.
Sorry about this.
This happens some, oh.
This woman is a censor.
She works for ABC.
Let's make her feel...
Thanks for coming, Dad.
What can we do now?
We have, oh, I know what to do.
Quick impression.
Like to do something
spucial, spucial.
I know, another fuck-up.
You gotta get to them
before they get to you.
I made a mistake, come on!
Come on, man,
make a mistake again.
One lone hand
clapping in the back.
Listen!
Oh, you've infected him now!
It's okay, we'll have a
quick, this is a poem, now.
A poem written under the
influence of Quaaludes
entitled.
Oh, some more smoke!
I'd like to die.
Get ready now.
Whoa, cab? Too late.
In humor.
We really should get
some more people in here.
Hold on, don't go away.
Hold on, human...
Whoa!
Assholes to the right of
me, assholes to the...
We'll be right back.
We're just gonna pack this place
'til we break all the health laws!
You can't get out of
here, hold on now.
Oh, a human car wash!
Oh, oh, oh!
Hold on, we'll get
lots of people in here.
Yo, free cocaine, come on in.
I had to come back here.
More people I know.
This is like a bad dream.
Everyone I've ever, ever known.
But look, now we've
changed realities
because those are
the shitty seats now.
Oh, there seems to be a hole!
We're going, oh, more cameras!
What is this?
Oh, really, man?
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Whew!
Wow, dj vu, I...
It's time now, oops!
Before I read the poem, I have
a quick letter from my mother
I have to share with you.
"Dear scum-sucking," oop, sorry.
We're close.
I haven't seen her in a few years.
Time now for the Evelyn
Wood... you're here!
She's, wait, we'll make you
feel at home, one second.
No, we'll have to
save that for later.
This is really
too much fun too early.
This is scary, and my drugs
are coming on now, too, look!
Too late!
I'd like to do one
esoteric impression.
This is Georgie Jessel on acid.
I hope you enjoy.
Thank you much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Just got back from
Vietnam, but... Mammy...
shut up, Jolie, I'm not...
Not enough for the car, though.
Now, the Evelyn Wood
speed-reading poem.
Thank you.
Before I go on, are there any
Hell's Angels here tonight?
Those big leather dumb fucks.
Takes a man to say
that in a small room.
Hiya!
Grandma, don't pass out again,
or we'll have to jump start ya
and blow ya across the room.
He's back there, Billy Bob.
Keep doing the same things.
I guess we should do
a quick movie now.
Boy, this is, this is so
much fun, I can't tell you.
Don't be afraid of
me, I won't hurt you.
You don't find me
repulsive, do you?
You haven't seen
that movie, have you?
Well, let's go back
to mister stage.
Well, one sip.
This will make me, hello.
Laurence Olivier for Ripple Wine.
Take two, hello, Laurence
Ripple for Olivier Wine.
Take three, Olivier.
That was very funny.
Me dribbling on myself.
I'm glad you didn't pay money
to say, oh! Look,
the fog's coming in now.
I must retreat backstage
for one brief moment.
But first I, excuse me.
Hell, yeah.
Gonna have a bitching time here.
Hey, baby.
Thank you now, here we go, baby.
Thank you.
Everybody!
Yeah. Play it!
Get down.
Get back up again.
Woke up the other day
I'd run out of Perrier
Got the Beverly
Hills blues, baby
Had to sell my
Gucci shoes, baby
I can't even make ends
Can't even cut the payments
on my Mercedes Benz
Oh, baby, have to be bold
Even my agent put me on hold
Got to come back,
baby, got to come back
We got to get down, get
down, you know what I mean
You know, here we
go, baby, here we go
Everybody, side
to side, come on
Come on, you'd do
it if I was blind
Let's go
Got to get down
have to go way beyond
the superficial level,
way beyond the superficial level.
Got me a series
It's on the goddamn TV
Most the time, you
know, folks, it's
It's so strange to me
Get paid that kind of money
Do the strange caca
Hey, don't fuck up here, baby
You're blowing it now
Got to take back
all really far
But you know
It really blows my mind
I'm here right now,
and you're so kind
Here we go, let's take it on
home now, baby, here we go
For the deaf people, hey
Hey, you know it's true
Thank you, I'm having
a wonderful time
Hey
Shitty note I just played
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.
Friends, it's time now to
give you a little religion.
Thank you, dear brother.
We are gonna take
you to the church
of Reverend Earnest Lee Sincere,
and his comedy
temple of happiness.
Let me have a gospel, friend.
Thank you, friends!
Welcome and God bless
you for coming so far
and yet being so near.
Are we having a wonderful
time here tonight?
Can I get an amen right now?
Amen!
Can I get a woman, too?
God bless you.
Thank you, friends.
You know, friends,
I am so happy to be here.
It's just a wonderful occasion,
because I lost my neck
but I'm still happy.
You know it's true.
And as we sweat our way
around, do you ever wonder,
may I borrow your
napkin, dear son?
If I sweat on it, save
it as a holy relic.
Here we go.
Ah, vodka in my eye!
It's all right, though,
because I can still see,
I'll take it out, wash
it, and put it back in.
Are you ready now, friends?
Is there someone here tonight
that feels the need to
be healed by comedy?
Is there anyone here?
Do you feel a need, dear child?
Yes.
You're awfully small.
You're not a midget, are you?
Do you want to grow?
Now, dear son, I know you
can walk without that chair.
And I hope you're
not a real cripple,
or my ass is up shit creek here.
Here we go, give me
your hand, dear son.
I'm gonna perform a miracle.
He's walking! Isn't that amazing!
The simple miracles.
- Thank you, son.
- - Amen!
- Thank you, dear brother.
- - Amen.
God bless you twice, dj vu.
You know, friends, we'll
be passing among you
to heal you once and individual,
and at the end of the night,
we're gonna have that human
car wash I promised you.
But we're having such a
bitching disco time right now,
that I have to go
up on the stage and,
oop, pardon me, dear sister.
I still respect
you, God bless you.
Hands, I'm having
a wonderful time,
and you, dear sister, do
you need to be healed?
You better believe it.
Whoa.
Thank you for sending her here.
Well, isn't it amazing.
She's wearing that
flimsy burnoose, too.
What is your problem, child?
Do you need to be healed?
Whoa, you've lost your tongue.
I'll have to do.
What is your problem, dear sister?
Do you need to be healed?
It's all right, though,
we're still here.
Isn't it amazing?
For those of you at home
watching your television sets,
if you want to feel the
power of Reverend Billy,
grab the back of your
TV and get a shock!
You'll feel my essence
going through your body,
going, you can tell me then!
I want to read to
you now something
very special, that
has moved me many times.
We'll get back to you, deaf child.
- - Amen!
- Thank you, dear brother.
Oop, possibly a mating, who knows?
Thank you, dear brothers.
I'd like to read you
something special now.
It says here, "'Oh, ' cried
Carl as he thrust his," whoa.
Sometimes God plays
little tricks on you.
That's right, friends.
If you're ready to be healed,
dear sister, we'll wait
for you to come back.
She is going to the special...
I'm sweating my brains out.
Hold on, friends.
Sometimes it's a sign.
And, argh, what be your name?
What is that news?
Thank you, dear brother,
for handing me this cloth.
It's amazing, friends,
that we're all still here.
But I want to read to you
from a special book here.
It says here, "Two
Jews walk into a bar."
Isn't that amazing,
friend, it's Rosh Hashanah.
Gung hay fat choy.
We're all here.
Huevos rancheros, amigos,
for our Spanish friends.
I think we need something
very special right now,
a little Baptist ballet
performed for you
by some friends here at
the temple of comedy.
It's a brief interpretive ballet
entitled, "Death of a Sperm."
I hope you enjoy it.
Don't go away.
"Death of a Sperm" performed
by little Billy Gisher.
Let me bring him out here.
Billy, come out
here son, it's time!
No, Papa, I don't!
You perform, boy,
or your ass is dead meat!
No, Papa.
Show business
is his life. He's ready.
Thank you.
"Death of a Sperm" ballet.
The sperm swims upstream.
It meets a diaphragm.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
The ovums attend the other side.
The sperm tries.
Tries.
Tries!
Ah, and dies a slow death.
Thank you.
Hello, boys and girls.
Welcome to my neighborhood.
Can you say neighborhood?
Let's do a special
experiment right now, okay?
Let's put Mr. Hamster
in the microwave.
Pop goes the weasel
You know why I did
that, boys and girls?
Because we're all going to
die of severe radiation.
Mother of Scott, hold it.
What are you doing?
I...
You're talking to
children out here.
Their fucking brains
aren't developed.
I... I have to do it, Bobby,
because they've got to know
that the world's gonna
deteriorate and die.
Bullshit, you're
supposed to be singing
the silly squirrel song right now.
Nuts don't mean
anything to me, Tommy.
Fuck you, I've gotta tell 'em.
Have you had your medication yet?
No, can I please
have another one now?
Here, hell, have three.
- Thank you, Tommy.
- Go ahead.
Hello, boys and girls.
Let's sing the
squirrel song, okay?
It's not a bad thing.
Oh, no, I've lost you.
I've gone too far,
too early, too quick.
I'm in the land where
nothing's funny now.
We tried it, too.
Some water!
At last, memsaab.
Thank you.
You would not lie to me.
It's not water, it's...
Just kidding.
Ha-ha.
Let's see what I'm
gonna do for you now.
A brief time out!
Some toys, hold on.
They're not here.
I fucked my own self up now.
I didn't bring my props out.
This is called...
Camp town races sing that song
Doo dah
Well, I guess we'll have to do
something special for you now.
A brief Shakespearian play,
written for your edification.- -
Wait, not yet.
Before I do a Shakespearian play,
does anyone want to
be in a quick movie?
Yeah, yeah!
Right here?
I'm afraid of you, young man.
They might think you're a plant,
and I'll have to pay you, then.
I'll be an extra.
An extra?
All right.
I'm afraid of this young man.
We'll do it, too late.
People say if you don't,
come on, man, do it or if not,
you're really driving
the entire public.
All right, Johnny,
you're on the plate now.
It's called a
Technicolor Vibrator.
Ooh, a big hunk.
Sit down!
Here we go!
Sound check, let's go!
Big time entertainment.
None of my props are here.
Who is fucking with my mind?
Too late now, it doesn't
make any difference.
We're ready now.
Your script is, the line is,
it's Night of Naugahyde.
Your line is:
"Oh my God, the chair
is attacking me."
Quiet on the set, please!
I'm sorry, I have
to squeeze through.
Who are these women wearing
these cheap clothes?
Too late!
Let's go, quiet on
the set, please!
All right, ready, pan the
spotlight on him, ready?
Quiet on the set please.
Action!
Oh my God, the
chair is hurting me!
Oh, improvising, are we?
We'll have to change this up.
All right, all
right, one more take.
Line is, "Oh my God."
"The chair is attacking me."
Ooh, okay.
Hold on, I'll get a prop
man to move the chair.
Hold on one second.
Get a union man to
move that fucker.
What are you doing here?
Eh, fuck it, I don't
have to do that.
Oh, big time, let's go!
What was that?
Who needed it, anyway.
Where's the dwarf?
I'm here! Okay.
Quiet on the set, please!
Ready, take two!
You must get it on this
take, or you're dead neat.
Dead neat.
Look at me, my whole career.
Tell me, where's
my emo, here we go!
Take two, Attack of
the Killer Chairs.
Ready?
Action!
Oh my God!
The chair!
It's attacking me!
Whew, a little too
much for Mister Camera.
All right, we've got
animal power here.
We'll just have to be a little
bit more subtle this time,
and, all right,
instead of "Oh my God,
the chair's attacking me,"
we'll just change it to, "Oh!"
Take three, ready?
Big time action, here we go!
Quiet on the set please!
Get the Nubians ready for the
chorus number, here we go.
Final action?
Are you there in the moment?
If you need the
drugs, we've got 'em.
Here we go.
Take three, Killer Chairs!
Action!
That's it!
And a dynamite touch
when you fell off-camera!
That's it, my son, bravo,
brilliant, great art.
That's incredible!
God bless you.
You're free now.
Go, Billy Bob.
Build a new world where
everything will be funny.
Excuse me, what am I doing?
I'm white, I'm sorry.
We're ready now.
A Shakespearean play
for your edification,
That's the Way You
Like It, or that,
oops, he'd be pissed because
I just plagiarized his name.
We'll have to take it...
Everything's going badly now.
We were going so well
so early, and yet,
it's okay.
So, this is comedy Hell.
Where everything
starts to go wrong.
I guess I should talk for a moment
about the very serious
subject of schizophrenia...
No he doesn't...
Shut up, let him talk!
We're ready now.
Shakespeare!
His unknown folio about Hollywood.
Prepare yourself for art.
Thank you.
Look, props!
Last time, sorry to make you wait.
And if anyone is on
acid, this is a Frisbee.
There are all sorts of
people who can see me,
I'll have to pull this curtain.
That sound effect sucks!
Shut up, I know it does!
We represent
The William Morris
Agency, the William
Entertain a time when Farrah
is the Fawcett of culture.
And all things do change
hence and bring us anon
when Gucci can put three
stripes on a turd and sell it.
I do bring you these things
and yet present my
master, young Sublet,
a man brought forth to this place,
this Hollywood, this land of jive,
brought to plink his
career and not to taste.
But my tongue does say,
my words like feces
fall upon the ground.
Bring him here anon.
He comes hence.
Fool, get thee hence.
You're an ugly sucker.
Aye.
'Tis a bleak night.
Look!
The moon like a testicle
hangs low in the sky!
Aye.
I feel this bodes not well,
and yet I see strange
things pass before me anon.
I best wander outward,
and look, a gentle rose,
dying here anon like myself.
Aye, ooh!
Would that my prick
had such sting.
And you, gentle rose,
torn asunder like thus.
Look!
Be not afraid, look what
I made for you in shop.
I wander hence.
Backwards pursed my
friends who goggle at me
and say, "I know the fool well."
Past those who drink wine,
past leisure suit, past Gucci,
past all of this, past critics
who write strange things.
Back here, past hairy
men that I know too well.
Outward thus.
'Tis better to die out
here among your friends
than up there in the heat.
I cannot lie to you.
Be you not afraid?
She is.
And with child, too!
'Tis my fault, forgive me.
I have gone too far now,
and passed the bounds
of good taste.
I do wonder at myself.
Nay, not Mork.
Nay, speak not to
that TV or not TV.
Whether 'tis nobler to do
crazy shit at eight o'clock.
And take up arms
against the god Nielsen
who will dare to put down taste,
or sweat your ass
off in a small club.
Aye, 'tis a noble query that
shall be captured by yon video,
but yet, I wonder why?
Yon camera follows me,
and yon bald-head man
knows me too well.
My gentle friend
Mirkin man, what news?
You've gone too far.
This man is pissed, I
will leave him anon.
'Tis better to
return to the stage.
And I must consult the god Nielsen
and see if our ratings
will stay good,
and money shall stay high.
Ye god Nielsen, I do call, what?
I'll hold.
There is no help for me hither.
I do sweat for no reason.
But yet the wine, napkin and wine,
with a message!
Thank you.
Now, this gentle wine
shall cure me with a bliss.
Nay, I could say something else
but 'twould be
totally in bad taste.
Would rhyme with bliss, though.
Those of you with filthy
minds are working overtime.
And now a toast,
to the days when
chickens have lips.
Where up there?
They go.
They're afraid.
There is no toast now.
I have passed too far.
In days when chickens have lips,
or television has
great intelligence,
or Anita gives head,
either one first.
This will not help.
The wine has done me in.
You have poisoned me,
and I have gone too far
into the land of strangeness.
But since I have kind of lost you,
come inside my mind
and see what it's like
when a comedian eats the big one.
Don't be afraid.
Come on in.
Ha-ha, I'm doing fantastic.
No, you're not, you fool!
You're not doing essence,
just pure pee-pee-caca.
No reality, no truth, no
discussion on the nature of man.
Both of you, be quiet, shut up!
I'm the rational mind.
We'll have to release
the subconscious.
He'll be the arbitrator.
Not tonight.
Forward to intellect,
saving warning sequence two.
Save your ass at any cost.
No, no, three is in sequence.
Dynamite opening response B.
Phase in ANRAC opening
sequence B, ANRAC phase in now.
Hey, nice to be here.
Easy audience, move on to
dynamite second routine one B.
Phase in now, ANRAC phase
in routine over response,
one-B, ANRAC C and sequence A.
How 'bout that Oaxacan, hey?
Mayday, mayday, mayday!
All systems overload,
anything goes.
Phase in sequence two.
Vegas pity response one B.
Send in the clowns
Not buying the bullshit,
career really over now.
Anything goes, play back old tape.
Career flashing
before you, Laugh-In,
no big deal, move on.
Lambda phase in, now.
Play back memory tape.
Look for anything viable.
Miss Williams, I dropped the baby.
I don't know why.
Daddy, Daddy.
Laurie, let's move.
He'll never find us.
Dad, I want to be an actor.
Watch this.
To be or, oh shit.
All systems overload, ego
check, everything failing.
Lips.
All system overload, walk
ego check nine, phase in now.
Help me! Help!
Some people saw the movie, good!
We're on the right track, move on.
ANRAC phase in now,
release subconscious.
Mayday, mayday.
Well, fuck you, what do you
want from me anyway?
Don't go away.
Come here.
Come here.
Well, I gave the pigeons my
methadone so they come back.
Come here.
Oh, there they go,
they're gonna flap.
This is nice.
It's nice you kids
snuck back here.
There's some good feelings
I have to relate to you.
You snuck through the force
field, that's a good thing.
Let me show something
that I use in my act.
About 40 years ago,
let me show you here,
used to have some funny caca.
Show you these here.
They used to laugh at
stupid shit in 1978.
Used to put these
on and do an alien.
Used to come out and go,
Not that funny since
they've landed, though.
They come looking for
your ass for this now.
It's true!
You young people don't
remember the old times.
Back past the turn of the century.
I was there.
You remember World War Three?
All 45 seconds of
it, do you remember?
Do you remember Carter's
last words, too, was,
"Thank you very much, you're
on our own, goodnight."
It's true, the strangers.
Then there was the great quake
where we all surfed to Colorado.
That was some bitchin'
disco time there.
I have some memories there for it.
Some great memories.
Then there were all sorts of
changes, things went down.
From me to you,
you got to be crazy.
You know what I'm talking about?
Full goose bozo.
'Cause what is reality?
If you need a seat on the bus,
you have to go, "Excuse me."
Ah, that'll do it to you, it will!
Messes 'em up.
Sometimes if they call
for your taxes, go.
That should put 'em outside
for a day or two.
Got to be crazy, you got to.
'Cause madness is the only
way I've stayed alive.
Used to be a comedian.
Used to, a long time ago.
It's true.
There are some good memories.
It's too late now for that.
Can't even jump start the sucker.
But it doesn't matter, though.
I can gum you to death.
I'm being grotesque,
but you got to be.
You see what I mean,
you got to be crazy!
It's too late to be sane.
Too late.
You got to go full tilt bozo.
'Cause you're only given
a little spark of madness,
and if you lose that,
you're nothing.
Don't.
From... from me to you,
don't ever lose that,
because it keeps you alive.
'Cause if you lose that,
That's my only love.
Crazy. Ah!
Beause there's no way any
government in the world
can handle madness.
'Cause you got to
fly above it all.
Remember angels, they have wings
'cause they take
themselves lightly.
And long time ago,
a crazy-ass motherfucker
named Lord Buckley said,
remember him?
One of the original
full goose bozos.
A man who took nothing seriously.
I don't want to preach to you,
"cause preaching is like what
my grandfather used to say,
you can fool some of the
people some of the time
and jerk the rest off.
That sucks.
But from me to you, keep bozo.
You got to.
And like Lord Buckley said,
he said, "People, they're
kinda like flowers."
It's been a been a privilege
kind of pollinating
here in your garden.
Come back, I'll be here.
Well, performing is a drug,
and this has been an OD.
Thank you, fuck a duck.
Right now my ego's saying, "Stay,"
but the rest of me is saying,
"Get off, you asshole."
- I want to do...
- - Nadia!
Nadia?
Nadia!
We have to bring out
one last character.
This is the Soviet
Union's only entertainer.
Nicky Lenin!
I'll be right back, don't go away.
Thank you.
America, bitching boss
country, thank you.
I wish to begin by doing one
quick suppression for you, now.
I must first take your
picture for people at home.
Thank you.
We are ready now, my first
suppression is Karl Marx,
thank you.
Imperialism, that's the
worst thing I've ever heard.
I would like to do some
quick Soviet ventriloquism.
Oh.
You are fucking up
the hairball, there.
What, he's pouring
wine over everybody.
Old American custom.
I like you.
Some Soviet ventriloquism
for you, quickly.
Nicky, how do you
like being in America?
I must go quickly because
my green card has expired,
but...
With Stallone's going,
"Yo, over here."
Oh, excuse me.
I've only seen one movie.
"What it was," thank you.
I'd like to do a
quick suppression.
This is a interview
with Nadia Comaneci.
And once again, for
those of you on drugs,
Nadia, how does it feel
to be the finest female
gymnast ever to compete
in the 1976 Olympics?
Shh, not yet, wait.
The 1976 Olympics
She said she enjoyed it very much,
but she did not go
through puberty.
Wait, don't give up,
it gets much better.
Nadia, do you think you'll compete
in the 1980 Olympics?
American television.
She says, yes.
Thank you, God bless you.
Thank you.
Hi, nice, thank you very much.
How much money have we
raised in the telethon?
Won't you ring?
Hold on one second.
Some toys.
What's this?
Mommy gave these because
she said I found most
adults very banal.
Oh, let's try again,
this is big time.
Thank you, thank you,
let's all get down, get funky.
Now, the lovely Lemon
Sisters gonna sing.
"Satisfaction".
Thank you, sisters, that
was a bitching boss song.
Now let's hear it for
the brothers in the band,
each and every one of them
is a badass motherfucker
in his own right.
Oh.
Help me, help me.
Are you a good witch
or a bad witch?
Right here.
Well.
All I wanted... Mork, no!
None of this now.
I had to do that five days a week.
This is a special time.
Right now everyone's saying,
"Get off, go home quick."
One, one?
Tony.
- Hey.
- To Taxi, to Mork & Mindy,
to television, to
life and to happiness,
may we all stay crazy and
live the bitching life.
Salud!
I want to try,
this is something right
now, my manager's saying,
"Get off, you idiot."
But what, he's leaving right now.
He's going, "What an
asshole you are, Williams."
"You went too far."
- - Is that Wayne?
- Puppy kisses.
Puppy kisses?
Mom, no.
Oedipus schmoedipus,
I still care for you.
I want to improvise with
this motherfucker right here.
Oh, good.
- You wanna improvise?
- - Yeah.
Young and heterosexual, who knew?
Let's see, we wanna
try something...
Hello.
Hi.
Oh.
Wow.
There was nothing there.
Hold this.
Hold this.
We wanna try something.
This man knows how
to call the freezes.
It's called theater
change of styles.
It's old improvisational
technique,
handed down from Second
City to committee,
many years ago.
Strange technique pass on,
people not know why.
Once we get into a scene,
we first need a suggestion
of a character relationship
for this...
Robin, wait just a second.
- -You know, you...
- Hairdresser.
Oh, wait.
I just need to
warm up a little bit.
Okay.
Ow!
I'm fine now, I'm fine.
He touched her,
and even Susan doesn't, ow.
You choose, odd or even?
Six, seven, eight, odd or even?
- Odd.
- You win.
Okay.
Well, look, Darwin was wrong, too.
Ready, set down, 42,
long count, long count.
Hup two.
Oh, ready, set down, fade back.
- Don't tease me.
- Oh, stop.
Good.
Here, drink some of this piss.
It'll get you off.
Oh, we're getting, whoa.
Oops, hold that hot microphone.
Hello, class, welcome
to Discipline 1A.
I'm sorry we have to detain
some of you after class.
Today we'll learn how
to call each other trash.
Let's put Mr. Microphone
back together,
where we can do a quick
interview with Rona Barrett.
Oh, Tom.
Oh, really, what should we do now?
We could do two drunk drivers
alone on some lonely road.
- Great.
- We can do...
Billy Bob, Billy
Bob, look out there.
Oh, wait, I'll do it,
let me put this down.
Do you need a microphone?
Might help.
They give you the Marcel
Marceau microphone.
What do you wanna do?
It's up to you, anything.
Robin, I was just
out there enjoying
some Perrier water and
laughing my ass off,
and I'm up here and I'm wet.
I guess you're ready, then.
I'll do the change of emotion.
Wanna do?
- Anything you want.
- Change of emotions.
We can even do... well,
we'll start off easy,
and work up to the hard.
Some be, proud Mary, keep on.
We'll just start off
with just a simple scene.
Is this all your sweat or just me?
Could be...
A lonely man
goes into a French restaurant.
A what?
A lonely man
goes into a French restaurant.
- -Okay.
- Well then...
Welcome to Psychotherapy 1B.
A lonely man goes into
a French restaurant.
- You want?
- Be a lonely man...
You got his...
John Ritter will be playing the
part of the lonely man.
Myself will be playing
the part of assorted
mutants and friends.
Bonjour, monsieur. Table for two?
- No, it's just...
- Oh, I can see.
You're a lonely man,
this way please.
Sit down, please.
We only have one table, anyway.
Please, sit down.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Don't go away.
Yo, Adam, we got one lonely
man here, motherfucker!
Dude looks hornier than a dog!
Get out there!
Monsieur. Glad to have you here.
Please sit down.
I will get some music
for you, hold on please.
Oh, that's all right,
I don't need any music.
I'd just like to see a
menu right now, thank you.
A menu? Oui, monsieur.
Hold on, one second please.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Pity.
- That's better.
- Thank you.
All that jive shit
anyway, who needs it?
What do you recommend?
Carlotta.
Have her washed, Tommy,
in room four.
Oh, you did not
come here for that?
No, just something light.
Oh, Andr.
I dropped the invisible
menu, excuse me.
I'm a shitty mime, myself, too.
Can you see the wall?
All right, monsieur.
We shall start off with
the specialty of the house,
the tiny escargots or snails
in your native tongue.
Wait, I pick them off the plant.
Maybe I'll just have
something like a salad.
- A salad?
- A salad.
Oh, oui, monsieur,
something special with the salad?
Maybe some orange juice
or some mineral water.
Now I know why you're lonely.
You really just want orange
juice and mineral water?
Maybe a lime.
Oh.
All right, monsieur,
the salad is here.
It's the Salad Brutus,
it gets you later.
Here we go.
Sit down here, monsieur,
in front of the lamb,
I'm sorry, here, look, we
can change now, mime work
with real props, watch.
How did you do that, Mr. Wizard?
I don't know, we've just fucked up
all the realities, Tommy.
We're gonna try this last thing,
and go off alive.
I've dragged this man up here
to ruin his career so I can...
Actually, we couldn't do
this unless we were brothers.
My gentle lord.
My son, come to me
and kneel before me.
Nay, I shall not.
I did that once before,
and you taught me well.
Aye, my gentle father.
Now, twitch once again, you
touch me like you know me.
Look, my lord, I
bring you out anon.
Listen not to the
mutant who yells freeze.
Let's draw our swords, Father,
and kill the fucker
before he mutates.
Aye.
Oh, no.
Die!
Thank you.
May he not breed and
breed more of his own ilk.
- -He has.
- Punish you.
Freeze.
Albie, Albie.
Capote.
Albie.
Albie.
I'm gonna tell you once,
and I'm not gonna tell you twice.
Don't mess with my
mother, your grandmother.
You asshole.
Amen.
I'm only kidding.
You're my boy.
- What, I am?
- And I love you.
I love you as if
you were my own son.
You've got my own hair.
Oh.
You've got my eyes.
I used to.
But goddammit!
Oh, Dad!
I'm so tiny!
Father, you made me this!
Freeze.
Gilbert and Sullivan.
'Tis strange, these
things, we talk anon,
our life is ever bliss.
And then we not in knowing,
take it.
Be not 'fraid of this.
I love to see him
with suspenders,
that is what he's like.
And I've been
wandering if and there,
we're all in nimble tight.
What have I said?
Does he know?
No, I don't, does he know?
There's no piano,
we're up now.
What's that song from?
Thank you, thank you.
Are you sure you
haven't gone away?
That's a brave man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're not here
at the end of the night.
That was fun, fuck a duck,
John was wonderful up there.
We had a good time.
See what I'm talking about?
Mr. Williams, before.
Goddamn, that was fun.
That was real people.
That was nice.
My name is Robin Williams.
Your pants are so tight, you
can tell what religion you are.
My name is Robin Williams.
Cute little guy.
My name is Hank Williams.
Oh.
My name is Robin Williams.
I, Robin Williams, while
still a high school senior,
achieved international
prominence in the fall of 1955
by discovering a cure for polio.
The following January, I was
chosen to serve my country
as the Secretary of Defense.
I spent the next five years
chauffeuring George Jessel
to and from Vietnam.
I am currently prime
minister of Uganda,
and am visiting this country
to promote tourism in my country.
Your mama, Robin Williams.
Keep up.
Ah.
I'm ready now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Home Box Office and The Roxy
are pleased to present
Robin Williams!
Thank you.
God bless!
Stumble.
- You motherfuckers.
- Way to go, Robin!
Go, Robin!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
- Keep trying, Robin!
- Yes!
Thank you.
I'd like to thank the Academy.
You've made life too unreal.
Billy Bob, I'm on TV!
I'm so happy to be here,
I could drop a log, boy.
This is for you, Marlene.
Squeal!
I'm here!
Yeah, way to go!
Whoa, we got some
crazy people here, good.
Oh, damn.
Firstly, before we go on,
is anyone here tonight on drugs?
Me!
Okay.
A quick test right now.
If you are, it's okay.
Don't be afraid.
Come on now, follow
me through the wall.
Anyone really stoned
right now is going,
"Wow, reality, what a concept."
Too many friends!
So, this is comedy heaven!
Well, we'll put this down.
I guess I'd like to start off
with something that I'm
very proud of right now.
I know.
I'll have to ask these
people to move back, though.
Yes, you ready, Simba?
Oops, let's wander
back just for a second,
way over to the shitty
seats way in the back.
Oh.
Shitty sheets.
You're making fun of me.
That's not, oh, look,
they've elected a new Pope!
No!
Everyone I've ever
known or been to...
There are people here
I've slept with twice!
Wait.
I've always wanted to do this.
Hold on, just for a second.
Fred Astaire.
Can you feel the
moon when the bay
And the Broadway girls in May
Howdy.
Let me just, these
people are back again.
They've jammed 'em.
Welcome to America.
Hold on.
Sanctuary!
Hold on.
Watch now, he could
either be very funny
or break his ass.
Quick impression, RCA Victor.
Oh, these are
incredible, look at this!
Nice booth, huh, Mister Lincoln?
I will now attempt to do an... no.
That would be in total bad taste.
It would lose many people at home.
One black person, everybody look!
Shh, he's still
talking, he's going,
"You better be funny
now, motherfucker."
I was, what am I doing
up here, oh, two!
Oh, no!
I'm sorry.
We'll do a quick impression now.
I better get back down.
Welcome to Notre Dame.
Way back down.
I'll be right back.
Sorry about this.
This happens some, oh.
This woman is a censor.
She works for ABC.
Let's make her feel...
Thanks for coming, Dad.
What can we do now?
We have, oh, I know what to do.
Quick impression.
Like to do something
spucial, spucial.
I know, another fuck-up.
You gotta get to them
before they get to you.
I made a mistake, come on!
Come on, man,
make a mistake again.
One lone hand
clapping in the back.
Listen!
Oh, you've infected him now!
It's okay, we'll have a
quick, this is a poem, now.
A poem written under the
influence of Quaaludes
entitled.
Oh, some more smoke!
I'd like to die.
Get ready now.
Whoa, cab? Too late.
In humor.
We really should get
some more people in here.
Hold on, don't go away.
Hold on, human...
Whoa!
Assholes to the right of
me, assholes to the...
We'll be right back.
We're just gonna pack this place
'til we break all the health laws!
You can't get out of
here, hold on now.
Oh, a human car wash!
Oh, oh, oh!
Hold on, we'll get
lots of people in here.
Yo, free cocaine, come on in.
I had to come back here.
More people I know.
This is like a bad dream.
Everyone I've ever, ever known.
But look, now we've
changed realities
because those are
the shitty seats now.
Oh, there seems to be a hole!
We're going, oh, more cameras!
What is this?
Oh, really, man?
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Whew!
Wow, dj vu, I...
It's time now, oops!
Before I read the poem, I have
a quick letter from my mother
I have to share with you.
"Dear scum-sucking," oop, sorry.
We're close.
I haven't seen her in a few years.
Time now for the Evelyn
Wood... you're here!
She's, wait, we'll make you
feel at home, one second.
No, we'll have to
save that for later.
This is really
too much fun too early.
This is scary, and my drugs
are coming on now, too, look!
Too late!
I'd like to do one
esoteric impression.
This is Georgie Jessel on acid.
I hope you enjoy.
Thank you much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Just got back from
Vietnam, but... Mammy...
shut up, Jolie, I'm not...
Not enough for the car, though.
Now, the Evelyn Wood
speed-reading poem.
Thank you.
Before I go on, are there any
Hell's Angels here tonight?
Those big leather dumb fucks.
Takes a man to say
that in a small room.
Hiya!
Grandma, don't pass out again,
or we'll have to jump start ya
and blow ya across the room.
He's back there, Billy Bob.
Keep doing the same things.
I guess we should do
a quick movie now.
Boy, this is, this is so
much fun, I can't tell you.
Don't be afraid of
me, I won't hurt you.
You don't find me
repulsive, do you?
You haven't seen
that movie, have you?
Well, let's go back
to mister stage.
Well, one sip.
This will make me, hello.
Laurence Olivier for Ripple Wine.
Take two, hello, Laurence
Ripple for Olivier Wine.
Take three, Olivier.
That was very funny.
Me dribbling on myself.
I'm glad you didn't pay money
to say, oh! Look,
the fog's coming in now.
I must retreat backstage
for one brief moment.
But first I, excuse me.
Hell, yeah.
Gonna have a bitching time here.
Hey, baby.
Thank you now, here we go, baby.
Thank you.
Everybody!
Yeah. Play it!
Get down.
Get back up again.
Woke up the other day
I'd run out of Perrier
Got the Beverly
Hills blues, baby
Had to sell my
Gucci shoes, baby
I can't even make ends
Can't even cut the payments
on my Mercedes Benz
Oh, baby, have to be bold
Even my agent put me on hold
Got to come back,
baby, got to come back
We got to get down, get
down, you know what I mean
You know, here we
go, baby, here we go
Everybody, side
to side, come on
Come on, you'd do
it if I was blind
Let's go
Got to get down
have to go way beyond
the superficial level,
way beyond the superficial level.
Got me a series
It's on the goddamn TV
Most the time, you
know, folks, it's
It's so strange to me
Get paid that kind of money
Do the strange caca
Hey, don't fuck up here, baby
You're blowing it now
Got to take back
all really far
But you know
It really blows my mind
I'm here right now,
and you're so kind
Here we go, let's take it on
home now, baby, here we go
For the deaf people, hey
Hey, you know it's true
Thank you, I'm having
a wonderful time
Hey
Shitty note I just played
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.
Friends, it's time now to
give you a little religion.
Thank you, dear brother.
We are gonna take
you to the church
of Reverend Earnest Lee Sincere,
and his comedy
temple of happiness.
Let me have a gospel, friend.
Thank you, friends!
Welcome and God bless
you for coming so far
and yet being so near.
Are we having a wonderful
time here tonight?
Can I get an amen right now?
Amen!
Can I get a woman, too?
God bless you.
Thank you, friends.
You know, friends,
I am so happy to be here.
It's just a wonderful occasion,
because I lost my neck
but I'm still happy.
You know it's true.
And as we sweat our way
around, do you ever wonder,
may I borrow your
napkin, dear son?
If I sweat on it, save
it as a holy relic.
Here we go.
Ah, vodka in my eye!
It's all right, though,
because I can still see,
I'll take it out, wash
it, and put it back in.
Are you ready now, friends?
Is there someone here tonight
that feels the need to
be healed by comedy?
Is there anyone here?
Do you feel a need, dear child?
Yes.
You're awfully small.
You're not a midget, are you?
Do you want to grow?
Now, dear son, I know you
can walk without that chair.
And I hope you're
not a real cripple,
or my ass is up shit creek here.
Here we go, give me
your hand, dear son.
I'm gonna perform a miracle.
He's walking! Isn't that amazing!
The simple miracles.
- Thank you, son.
- - Amen!
- Thank you, dear brother.
- - Amen.
God bless you twice, dj vu.
You know, friends, we'll
be passing among you
to heal you once and individual,
and at the end of the night,
we're gonna have that human
car wash I promised you.
But we're having such a
bitching disco time right now,
that I have to go
up on the stage and,
oop, pardon me, dear sister.
I still respect
you, God bless you.
Hands, I'm having
a wonderful time,
and you, dear sister, do
you need to be healed?
You better believe it.
Whoa.
Thank you for sending her here.
Well, isn't it amazing.
She's wearing that
flimsy burnoose, too.
What is your problem, child?
Do you need to be healed?
Whoa, you've lost your tongue.
I'll have to do.
What is your problem, dear sister?
Do you need to be healed?
It's all right, though,
we're still here.
Isn't it amazing?
For those of you at home
watching your television sets,
if you want to feel the
power of Reverend Billy,
grab the back of your
TV and get a shock!
You'll feel my essence
going through your body,
going, you can tell me then!
I want to read to
you now something
very special, that
has moved me many times.
We'll get back to you, deaf child.
- - Amen!
- Thank you, dear brother.
Oop, possibly a mating, who knows?
Thank you, dear brothers.
I'd like to read you
something special now.
It says here, "'Oh, ' cried
Carl as he thrust his," whoa.
Sometimes God plays
little tricks on you.
That's right, friends.
If you're ready to be healed,
dear sister, we'll wait
for you to come back.
She is going to the special...
I'm sweating my brains out.
Hold on, friends.
Sometimes it's a sign.
And, argh, what be your name?
What is that news?
Thank you, dear brother,
for handing me this cloth.
It's amazing, friends,
that we're all still here.
But I want to read to you
from a special book here.
It says here, "Two
Jews walk into a bar."
Isn't that amazing,
friend, it's Rosh Hashanah.
Gung hay fat choy.
We're all here.
Huevos rancheros, amigos,
for our Spanish friends.
I think we need something
very special right now,
a little Baptist ballet
performed for you
by some friends here at
the temple of comedy.
It's a brief interpretive ballet
entitled, "Death of a Sperm."
I hope you enjoy it.
Don't go away.
"Death of a Sperm" performed
by little Billy Gisher.
Let me bring him out here.
Billy, come out
here son, it's time!
No, Papa, I don't!
You perform, boy,
or your ass is dead meat!
No, Papa.
Show business
is his life. He's ready.
Thank you.
"Death of a Sperm" ballet.
The sperm swims upstream.
It meets a diaphragm.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
The ovums attend the other side.
The sperm tries.
Tries.
Tries!
Ah, and dies a slow death.
Thank you.
Hello, boys and girls.
Welcome to my neighborhood.
Can you say neighborhood?
Let's do a special
experiment right now, okay?
Let's put Mr. Hamster
in the microwave.
Pop goes the weasel
You know why I did
that, boys and girls?
Because we're all going to
die of severe radiation.
Mother of Scott, hold it.
What are you doing?
I...
You're talking to
children out here.
Their fucking brains
aren't developed.
I... I have to do it, Bobby,
because they've got to know
that the world's gonna
deteriorate and die.
Bullshit, you're
supposed to be singing
the silly squirrel song right now.
Nuts don't mean
anything to me, Tommy.
Fuck you, I've gotta tell 'em.
Have you had your medication yet?
No, can I please
have another one now?
Here, hell, have three.
- Thank you, Tommy.
- Go ahead.
Hello, boys and girls.
Let's sing the
squirrel song, okay?
It's not a bad thing.
Oh, no, I've lost you.
I've gone too far,
too early, too quick.
I'm in the land where
nothing's funny now.
We tried it, too.
Some water!
At last, memsaab.
Thank you.
You would not lie to me.
It's not water, it's...
Just kidding.
Ha-ha.
Let's see what I'm
gonna do for you now.
A brief time out!
Some toys, hold on.
They're not here.
I fucked my own self up now.
I didn't bring my props out.
This is called...
Camp town races sing that song
Doo dah
Well, I guess we'll have to do
something special for you now.
A brief Shakespearian play,
written for your edification.- -
Wait, not yet.
Before I do a Shakespearian play,
does anyone want to
be in a quick movie?
Yeah, yeah!
Right here?
I'm afraid of you, young man.
They might think you're a plant,
and I'll have to pay you, then.
I'll be an extra.
An extra?
All right.
I'm afraid of this young man.
We'll do it, too late.
People say if you don't,
come on, man, do it or if not,
you're really driving
the entire public.
All right, Johnny,
you're on the plate now.
It's called a
Technicolor Vibrator.
Ooh, a big hunk.
Sit down!
Here we go!
Sound check, let's go!
Big time entertainment.
None of my props are here.
Who is fucking with my mind?
Too late now, it doesn't
make any difference.
We're ready now.
Your script is, the line is,
it's Night of Naugahyde.
Your line is:
"Oh my God, the chair
is attacking me."
Quiet on the set, please!
I'm sorry, I have
to squeeze through.
Who are these women wearing
these cheap clothes?
Too late!
Let's go, quiet on
the set, please!
All right, ready, pan the
spotlight on him, ready?
Quiet on the set please.
Action!
Oh my God, the
chair is hurting me!
Oh, improvising, are we?
We'll have to change this up.
All right, all
right, one more take.
Line is, "Oh my God."
"The chair is attacking me."
Ooh, okay.
Hold on, I'll get a prop
man to move the chair.
Hold on one second.
Get a union man to
move that fucker.
What are you doing here?
Eh, fuck it, I don't
have to do that.
Oh, big time, let's go!
What was that?
Who needed it, anyway.
Where's the dwarf?
I'm here! Okay.
Quiet on the set, please!
Ready, take two!
You must get it on this
take, or you're dead neat.
Dead neat.
Look at me, my whole career.
Tell me, where's
my emo, here we go!
Take two, Attack of
the Killer Chairs.
Ready?
Action!
Oh my God!
The chair!
It's attacking me!
Whew, a little too
much for Mister Camera.
All right, we've got
animal power here.
We'll just have to be a little
bit more subtle this time,
and, all right,
instead of "Oh my God,
the chair's attacking me,"
we'll just change it to, "Oh!"
Take three, ready?
Big time action, here we go!
Quiet on the set please!
Get the Nubians ready for the
chorus number, here we go.
Final action?
Are you there in the moment?
If you need the
drugs, we've got 'em.
Here we go.
Take three, Killer Chairs!
Action!
That's it!
And a dynamite touch
when you fell off-camera!
That's it, my son, bravo,
brilliant, great art.
That's incredible!
God bless you.
You're free now.
Go, Billy Bob.
Build a new world where
everything will be funny.
Excuse me, what am I doing?
I'm white, I'm sorry.
We're ready now.
A Shakespearean play
for your edification,
That's the Way You
Like It, or that,
oops, he'd be pissed because
I just plagiarized his name.
We'll have to take it...
Everything's going badly now.
We were going so well
so early, and yet,
it's okay.
So, this is comedy Hell.
Where everything
starts to go wrong.
I guess I should talk for a moment
about the very serious
subject of schizophrenia...
No he doesn't...
Shut up, let him talk!
We're ready now.
Shakespeare!
His unknown folio about Hollywood.
Prepare yourself for art.
Thank you.
Look, props!
Last time, sorry to make you wait.
And if anyone is on
acid, this is a Frisbee.
There are all sorts of
people who can see me,
I'll have to pull this curtain.
That sound effect sucks!
Shut up, I know it does!
We represent
The William Morris
Agency, the William
Entertain a time when Farrah
is the Fawcett of culture.
And all things do change
hence and bring us anon
when Gucci can put three
stripes on a turd and sell it.
I do bring you these things
and yet present my
master, young Sublet,
a man brought forth to this place,
this Hollywood, this land of jive,
brought to plink his
career and not to taste.
But my tongue does say,
my words like feces
fall upon the ground.
Bring him here anon.
He comes hence.
Fool, get thee hence.
You're an ugly sucker.
Aye.
'Tis a bleak night.
Look!
The moon like a testicle
hangs low in the sky!
Aye.
I feel this bodes not well,
and yet I see strange
things pass before me anon.
I best wander outward,
and look, a gentle rose,
dying here anon like myself.
Aye, ooh!
Would that my prick
had such sting.
And you, gentle rose,
torn asunder like thus.
Look!
Be not afraid, look what
I made for you in shop.
I wander hence.
Backwards pursed my
friends who goggle at me
and say, "I know the fool well."
Past those who drink wine,
past leisure suit, past Gucci,
past all of this, past critics
who write strange things.
Back here, past hairy
men that I know too well.
Outward thus.
'Tis better to die out
here among your friends
than up there in the heat.
I cannot lie to you.
Be you not afraid?
She is.
And with child, too!
'Tis my fault, forgive me.
I have gone too far now,
and passed the bounds
of good taste.
I do wonder at myself.
Nay, not Mork.
Nay, speak not to
that TV or not TV.
Whether 'tis nobler to do
crazy shit at eight o'clock.
And take up arms
against the god Nielsen
who will dare to put down taste,
or sweat your ass
off in a small club.
Aye, 'tis a noble query that
shall be captured by yon video,
but yet, I wonder why?
Yon camera follows me,
and yon bald-head man
knows me too well.
My gentle friend
Mirkin man, what news?
You've gone too far.
This man is pissed, I
will leave him anon.
'Tis better to
return to the stage.
And I must consult the god Nielsen
and see if our ratings
will stay good,
and money shall stay high.
Ye god Nielsen, I do call, what?
I'll hold.
There is no help for me hither.
I do sweat for no reason.
But yet the wine, napkin and wine,
with a message!
Thank you.
Now, this gentle wine
shall cure me with a bliss.
Nay, I could say something else
but 'twould be
totally in bad taste.
Would rhyme with bliss, though.
Those of you with filthy
minds are working overtime.
And now a toast,
to the days when
chickens have lips.
Where up there?
They go.
They're afraid.
There is no toast now.
I have passed too far.
In days when chickens have lips,
or television has
great intelligence,
or Anita gives head,
either one first.
This will not help.
The wine has done me in.
You have poisoned me,
and I have gone too far
into the land of strangeness.
But since I have kind of lost you,
come inside my mind
and see what it's like
when a comedian eats the big one.
Don't be afraid.
Come on in.
Ha-ha, I'm doing fantastic.
No, you're not, you fool!
You're not doing essence,
just pure pee-pee-caca.
No reality, no truth, no
discussion on the nature of man.
Both of you, be quiet, shut up!
I'm the rational mind.
We'll have to release
the subconscious.
He'll be the arbitrator.
Not tonight.
Forward to intellect,
saving warning sequence two.
Save your ass at any cost.
No, no, three is in sequence.
Dynamite opening response B.
Phase in ANRAC opening
sequence B, ANRAC phase in now.
Hey, nice to be here.
Easy audience, move on to
dynamite second routine one B.
Phase in now, ANRAC phase
in routine over response,
one-B, ANRAC C and sequence A.
How 'bout that Oaxacan, hey?
Mayday, mayday, mayday!
All systems overload,
anything goes.
Phase in sequence two.
Vegas pity response one B.
Send in the clowns
Not buying the bullshit,
career really over now.
Anything goes, play back old tape.
Career flashing
before you, Laugh-In,
no big deal, move on.
Lambda phase in, now.
Play back memory tape.
Look for anything viable.
Miss Williams, I dropped the baby.
I don't know why.
Daddy, Daddy.
Laurie, let's move.
He'll never find us.
Dad, I want to be an actor.
Watch this.
To be or, oh shit.
All systems overload, ego
check, everything failing.
Lips.
All system overload, walk
ego check nine, phase in now.
Help me! Help!
Some people saw the movie, good!
We're on the right track, move on.
ANRAC phase in now,
release subconscious.
Mayday, mayday.
Well, fuck you, what do you
want from me anyway?
Don't go away.
Come here.
Come here.
Well, I gave the pigeons my
methadone so they come back.
Come here.
Oh, there they go,
they're gonna flap.
This is nice.
It's nice you kids
snuck back here.
There's some good feelings
I have to relate to you.
You snuck through the force
field, that's a good thing.
Let me show something
that I use in my act.
About 40 years ago,
let me show you here,
used to have some funny caca.
Show you these here.
They used to laugh at
stupid shit in 1978.
Used to put these
on and do an alien.
Used to come out and go,
Not that funny since
they've landed, though.
They come looking for
your ass for this now.
It's true!
You young people don't
remember the old times.
Back past the turn of the century.
I was there.
You remember World War Three?
All 45 seconds of
it, do you remember?
Do you remember Carter's
last words, too, was,
"Thank you very much, you're
on our own, goodnight."
It's true, the strangers.
Then there was the great quake
where we all surfed to Colorado.
That was some bitchin'
disco time there.
I have some memories there for it.
Some great memories.
Then there were all sorts of
changes, things went down.
From me to you,
you got to be crazy.
You know what I'm talking about?
Full goose bozo.
'Cause what is reality?
If you need a seat on the bus,
you have to go, "Excuse me."
Ah, that'll do it to you, it will!
Messes 'em up.
Sometimes if they call
for your taxes, go.
That should put 'em outside
for a day or two.
Got to be crazy, you got to.
'Cause madness is the only
way I've stayed alive.
Used to be a comedian.
Used to, a long time ago.
It's true.
There are some good memories.
It's too late now for that.
Can't even jump start the sucker.
But it doesn't matter, though.
I can gum you to death.
I'm being grotesque,
but you got to be.
You see what I mean,
you got to be crazy!
It's too late to be sane.
Too late.
You got to go full tilt bozo.
'Cause you're only given
a little spark of madness,
and if you lose that,
you're nothing.
Don't.
From... from me to you,
don't ever lose that,
because it keeps you alive.
'Cause if you lose that,
That's my only love.
Crazy. Ah!
Beause there's no way any
government in the world
can handle madness.
'Cause you got to
fly above it all.
Remember angels, they have wings
'cause they take
themselves lightly.
And long time ago,
a crazy-ass motherfucker
named Lord Buckley said,
remember him?
One of the original
full goose bozos.
A man who took nothing seriously.
I don't want to preach to you,
"cause preaching is like what
my grandfather used to say,
you can fool some of the
people some of the time
and jerk the rest off.
That sucks.
But from me to you, keep bozo.
You got to.
And like Lord Buckley said,
he said, "People, they're
kinda like flowers."
It's been a been a privilege
kind of pollinating
here in your garden.
Come back, I'll be here.
Well, performing is a drug,
and this has been an OD.
Thank you, fuck a duck.
Right now my ego's saying, "Stay,"
but the rest of me is saying,
"Get off, you asshole."
- I want to do...
- - Nadia!
Nadia?
Nadia!
We have to bring out
one last character.
This is the Soviet
Union's only entertainer.
Nicky Lenin!
I'll be right back, don't go away.
Thank you.
America, bitching boss
country, thank you.
I wish to begin by doing one
quick suppression for you, now.
I must first take your
picture for people at home.
Thank you.
We are ready now, my first
suppression is Karl Marx,
thank you.
Imperialism, that's the
worst thing I've ever heard.
I would like to do some
quick Soviet ventriloquism.
Oh.
You are fucking up
the hairball, there.
What, he's pouring
wine over everybody.
Old American custom.
I like you.
Some Soviet ventriloquism
for you, quickly.
Nicky, how do you
like being in America?
I must go quickly because
my green card has expired,
but...
With Stallone's going,
"Yo, over here."
Oh, excuse me.
I've only seen one movie.
"What it was," thank you.
I'd like to do a
quick suppression.
This is a interview
with Nadia Comaneci.
And once again, for
those of you on drugs,
Nadia, how does it feel
to be the finest female
gymnast ever to compete
in the 1976 Olympics?
Shh, not yet, wait.
The 1976 Olympics
She said she enjoyed it very much,
but she did not go
through puberty.
Wait, don't give up,
it gets much better.
Nadia, do you think you'll compete
in the 1980 Olympics?
American television.
She says, yes.
Thank you, God bless you.
Thank you.
Hi, nice, thank you very much.
How much money have we
raised in the telethon?
Won't you ring?
Hold on one second.
Some toys.
What's this?
Mommy gave these because
she said I found most
adults very banal.
Oh, let's try again,
this is big time.
Thank you, thank you,
let's all get down, get funky.
Now, the lovely Lemon
Sisters gonna sing.
"Satisfaction".
Thank you, sisters, that
was a bitching boss song.
Now let's hear it for
the brothers in the band,
each and every one of them
is a badass motherfucker
in his own right.
Oh.
Help me, help me.
Are you a good witch
or a bad witch?
Right here.
Well.
All I wanted... Mork, no!
None of this now.
I had to do that five days a week.
This is a special time.
Right now everyone's saying,
"Get off, go home quick."
One, one?
Tony.
- Hey.
- To Taxi, to Mork & Mindy,
to television, to
life and to happiness,
may we all stay crazy and
live the bitching life.
Salud!
I want to try,
this is something right
now, my manager's saying,
"Get off, you idiot."
But what, he's leaving right now.
He's going, "What an
asshole you are, Williams."
"You went too far."
- - Is that Wayne?
- Puppy kisses.
Puppy kisses?
Mom, no.
Oedipus schmoedipus,
I still care for you.
I want to improvise with
this motherfucker right here.
Oh, good.
- You wanna improvise?
- - Yeah.
Young and heterosexual, who knew?
Let's see, we wanna
try something...
Hello.
Hi.
Oh.
Wow.
There was nothing there.
Hold this.
Hold this.
We wanna try something.
This man knows how
to call the freezes.
It's called theater
change of styles.
It's old improvisational
technique,
handed down from Second
City to committee,
many years ago.
Strange technique pass on,
people not know why.
Once we get into a scene,
we first need a suggestion
of a character relationship
for this...
Robin, wait just a second.
- -You know, you...
- Hairdresser.
Oh, wait.
I just need to
warm up a little bit.
Okay.
Ow!
I'm fine now, I'm fine.
He touched her,
and even Susan doesn't, ow.
You choose, odd or even?
Six, seven, eight, odd or even?
- Odd.
- You win.
Okay.
Well, look, Darwin was wrong, too.
Ready, set down, 42,
long count, long count.
Hup two.
Oh, ready, set down, fade back.
- Don't tease me.
- Oh, stop.
Good.
Here, drink some of this piss.
It'll get you off.
Oh, we're getting, whoa.
Oops, hold that hot microphone.
Hello, class, welcome
to Discipline 1A.
I'm sorry we have to detain
some of you after class.
Today we'll learn how
to call each other trash.
Let's put Mr. Microphone
back together,
where we can do a quick
interview with Rona Barrett.
Oh, Tom.
Oh, really, what should we do now?
We could do two drunk drivers
alone on some lonely road.
- Great.
- We can do...
Billy Bob, Billy
Bob, look out there.
Oh, wait, I'll do it,
let me put this down.
Do you need a microphone?
Might help.
They give you the Marcel
Marceau microphone.
What do you wanna do?
It's up to you, anything.
Robin, I was just
out there enjoying
some Perrier water and
laughing my ass off,
and I'm up here and I'm wet.
I guess you're ready, then.
I'll do the change of emotion.
Wanna do?
- Anything you want.
- Change of emotions.
We can even do... well,
we'll start off easy,
and work up to the hard.
Some be, proud Mary, keep on.
We'll just start off
with just a simple scene.
Is this all your sweat or just me?
Could be...
A lonely man
goes into a French restaurant.
A what?
A lonely man
goes into a French restaurant.
- -Okay.
- Well then...
Welcome to Psychotherapy 1B.
A lonely man goes into
a French restaurant.
- You want?
- Be a lonely man...
You got his...
John Ritter will be playing the
part of the lonely man.
Myself will be playing
the part of assorted
mutants and friends.
Bonjour, monsieur. Table for two?
- No, it's just...
- Oh, I can see.
You're a lonely man,
this way please.
Sit down, please.
We only have one table, anyway.
Please, sit down.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Don't go away.
Yo, Adam, we got one lonely
man here, motherfucker!
Dude looks hornier than a dog!
Get out there!
Monsieur. Glad to have you here.
Please sit down.
I will get some music
for you, hold on please.
Oh, that's all right,
I don't need any music.
I'd just like to see a
menu right now, thank you.
A menu? Oui, monsieur.
Hold on, one second please.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Pity.
- That's better.
- Thank you.
All that jive shit
anyway, who needs it?
What do you recommend?
Carlotta.
Have her washed, Tommy,
in room four.
Oh, you did not
come here for that?
No, just something light.
Oh, Andr.
I dropped the invisible
menu, excuse me.
I'm a shitty mime, myself, too.
Can you see the wall?
All right, monsieur.
We shall start off with
the specialty of the house,
the tiny escargots or snails
in your native tongue.
Wait, I pick them off the plant.
Maybe I'll just have
something like a salad.
- A salad?
- A salad.
Oh, oui, monsieur,
something special with the salad?
Maybe some orange juice
or some mineral water.
Now I know why you're lonely.
You really just want orange
juice and mineral water?
Maybe a lime.
Oh.
All right, monsieur,
the salad is here.
It's the Salad Brutus,
it gets you later.
Here we go.
Sit down here, monsieur,
in front of the lamb,
I'm sorry, here, look, we
can change now, mime work
with real props, watch.
How did you do that, Mr. Wizard?
I don't know, we've just fucked up
all the realities, Tommy.
We're gonna try this last thing,
and go off alive.
I've dragged this man up here
to ruin his career so I can...
Actually, we couldn't do
this unless we were brothers.
My gentle lord.
My son, come to me
and kneel before me.
Nay, I shall not.
I did that once before,
and you taught me well.
Aye, my gentle father.
Now, twitch once again, you
touch me like you know me.
Look, my lord, I
bring you out anon.
Listen not to the
mutant who yells freeze.
Let's draw our swords, Father,
and kill the fucker
before he mutates.
Aye.
Oh, no.
Die!
Thank you.
May he not breed and
breed more of his own ilk.
- -He has.
- Punish you.
Freeze.
Albie, Albie.
Capote.
Albie.
Albie.
I'm gonna tell you once,
and I'm not gonna tell you twice.
Don't mess with my
mother, your grandmother.
You asshole.
Amen.
I'm only kidding.
You're my boy.
- What, I am?
- And I love you.
I love you as if
you were my own son.
You've got my own hair.
Oh.
You've got my eyes.
I used to.
But goddammit!
Oh, Dad!
I'm so tiny!
Father, you made me this!
Freeze.
Gilbert and Sullivan.
'Tis strange, these
things, we talk anon,
our life is ever bliss.
And then we not in knowing,
take it.
Be not 'fraid of this.
I love to see him
with suspenders,
that is what he's like.
And I've been
wandering if and there,
we're all in nimble tight.
What have I said?
Does he know?
No, I don't, does he know?
There's no piano,
we're up now.
What's that song from?
Thank you, thank you.
Are you sure you
haven't gone away?
That's a brave man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're not here
at the end of the night.
That was fun, fuck a duck,
John was wonderful up there.
We had a good time.
See what I'm talking about?
Mr. Williams, before.
Goddamn, that was fun.
That was real people.
That was nice.