Robot Chicken: DC Comics Special (2012) Movie Script
1
Robot Chicken, for one hundred episodes
they defiled every entertainment
brand in the known universe
Now, their greatest challenge
writing the cocktail
of the most iconic characters
of all time, not counting Harry Potter
The DC comics superheroes
Some of them are super than others
that guy just talks to fish
Hey!
This is the Robot Chicken
DC Comics Special
Hashtag RCDC
- Oh boy, the invisible jet
- Hurry up, Aquaman!
- Let's go, buddy
- I'm coming!
Sike!
Last one at the party can't fly
He will be the last one
at the party, because he can't fly
Fine, I'll just swim there
Silly punks
Batman owns the night
now taste fear...
Wait, wait, what? Oh God!
Oh, my back just snapped
like a pack of uncooked spaghetti!
You just walk up and break
my back without saying a word
Booh!
Booh on you, sir
That's Bane
And now, "Real characters
from the DC Universe"
Hi, I'm B'Dg
I'm a member of the Green Lantern core
Can you believe it folks?
He really exists
Huh...
Do you guys want me to say anything or?
Tune in next time, for another edition
of "Real characters from the DC Universe"
Lois, you helped me defeat
general Zod, Superman too
But now, you know I'm Superman
I have to kiss you and make you forget
Why would that be one
of your super powers?
You should hear yourself sometimes, Lois
What, why am I standing here with Clark Kent
when I should be chasing
the scoop on Superman
I should really use that power more often
My beautiful hair, I'll never forget
how you took it from me Superman
Adventure comics n271
- Oh really?
- Superman!
I'll destroy you... what are you doing?
- I can't remember why I hate you
- Oh yeah, I know
You might want to close your eyes
I run my fingers through your hair
and I kiss you, bro
And you won't remember a thing
Don't trying run away
Another job well done
I should have thought this through
Oh, well
- Hey, how's it going?
- Right, right, right
Oh, come on!
Welcome everyone to the
grand opening of our newest exhibit
The Blue Star of Egypt
All right, people, we all know
what's coming next
Let's see if we can at least make it
through a round of hors d'oeuvres
before the first supervillain shows up
Apparently, there's a salmon bagel bite
Everyone, freeze!
Sorry to be so cold-hearted
but Mr. Freeze is stealing that ice
I was not expecting paprika
A-plus effort, honestly
Everyone, chill out!
Or Captain Cold will put you on ice
- Come on!
- I thought we had a schedule worked out
This is my day
I have a new assistant
I'm still bringing him in
Everyone, stay cool!
It's about to get downright
to bone-chillin' in here
Thanks to Icicle
I just walked into a cluster fuck
You guys, you have to try
these salmon thingies
Focus, Captain Cold
Clearly there's not room for three
cold-themed villains with freeze rays
I guess you two Snow Jobs will
have to change gimmicks, then
It's not my gimmick, I'll literally
die in warm temperatures
My cryogeneticly frozen wife
is my entire reason of living
My name is Victor Fries, for God's sake
It's "Freeze", but you spell it "fries"
like French fries, weird
- It's German
- Well, I ain't changing, you dick
Everyone, freeze!
Oh, for fuck's sake
- I completely forgot about Chillblaine
- You and America, buddy
It took me six years of research
to build my freeze ray
How do you high school
dropouts keep making them?
Are they as easy to build as ham
radios and I'm just an asshole?
Guys, we've demolished
a lot of load-bearing walls in here
Well, those villains are going to the cooler
thanks to Ice and her amazing freeze powers
Cool
I'm glad you guys could come
all the way to Earth-C
Me and Captain Carrot didn't see
eye to eye on a lot of things but...
no one deserves to die like that
I never met the Captain
or his "Zoo Crew", but...
since you vouch for him, I'm glad
to be here in their time of need
Why didn't you tell me
they look like cartoons
Wait
I'm good
Dammit, sorry
If you can't keep it together
you need to leave
I know, I know! For the love of...
it's a turtle wearing goggles
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm... I'm sorry, its just...
that... pig... looks so sad
I can't, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't!
- Your friend was very inappropriate
- We're so sorry Little Cheese
Little Cheese
I just don't see how you could
let it get this bad
It's the swamp thing baby
you wouldn't understand
Bane broke my back
but years of training allowed me
to heal in record time
Now, let's see what the joker...
oh my god, no!
Like a string of firecrackers
my fucking back
I felt the soles of my feet touch
the back of my head on that one
That's Bane
And now, "Real characters
from the DC Universe"
- Hey there, I'm Firestorm
- Can you believe it, folks?
- Take a good look at this douche
- I'm... Firestorm
The nuclear man
I was in the Justice League
His hair is actually made of fire
Bet he blows through
his comb budget pretty quickly
- But I'm really popular
- We'll be back next time for...
"Real characters from the DC Universe"
- What are we doing here, Lantern
- What's the matter?
You're a little rusty with the ladies?
If anyone's gonna score tonight
it's the man of steel
Haven't you been courting Lois Lane
for like fifteen years
- Do you ever score?
- Watch and learn
Hey ladies, you look like you could
use a non-threatening guy pal
who would never push your boundaries
And while you're at it, could you co-sign
my loan for a late model Corolla?
Got a pen?
Not even I could get
to the friend zone that fast
Class is in session, people
soon as I get this suit off
Hold on there, money bags
you gotta do it in costume
Yeah, that's the rules
we all have to be in costume
What? I'm dressed like a giant bat
Well, fuck you guys, I'm getting wasted
Got a couple Pia Coladas here
just for the ladies
Looks like you could use some just for men
And you bitches can pay for your own drinks
Name's Aquaman, I know how to talk to tuna
Martian Manhunter?
What are you doing?
I have a life outside the team, you know
- You are the worst, you are the worst
- Aquaman got manhunted
I'm outta here
there's plenty of fish in the sea
Did he mean that metaphorically or...
I do not just call when I've been drinking
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom
And this new plan will crush
the Justice League once and for all
But more importantly, it's time
to draw names, for secret Santa
- It's team building, people
- Shake it up, shake it up
I got Leonard Snart
who's Leonard Snart?
Is he the kid in the mail room with the B.O.?
Everyday I'm like, "I smell the
mail coming!" and sure enough...
I'm Leonard Snart
How could I forget?
I think that kid's name is Glenn
Somebody is going to get a big surprise
A new rule this year everybody
no exploding toys
I'm literally the only
one affected by that rule
I still have a scar in my forehead
from Christmas 2004, you dumb butthole
It's... it's how I express love
Has everyone drawn a name?
God, what smells like a turd lovers pizza?
Hey guys, we doin' secret
Santa again this year?
Non noncommittal mumbling
the gift that keeps on giving
I have a glandular condition, you guys
This is not my fault, you think I don't try?
I shower everyday
I shower everyday
Learn more about Glenn
and his battle against body odor
right after these commercial messages
Ladies and Gentlemen
I don't know how to break this news
in any way that make sense of it
so I'll just give you
the facts as I have them
Glenn killed himself during
the commercial break
My God, what was that?
I don't know but I'll find out Mr. Jordan
This is so cool
Not quite "Independence Day" cool, but
much cooler than "Battle Los Angeles" cool
If Battle Los Angeles was zero cool
and Independence Day was 10 cool
then this would be about a 7 cool
I am Abin Sur
It's a 9 cool
- From the Green Lantern...
- Exposition Youpi!
- The ring, the cosmic ring...
- Oh my gosh, oh my gosh
- Has chosen you as its new master
- Oh my gosh, oh my gosh
Al Jordan
Last words spoken in its native tongue
We'll tragically never know
what Al Jordan means in English
Watch this ring is glowing and
seems to be taking over my body
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Ok, ok
Could you please stop screaming?
Thank you
You will be trained
to use your ring by Kilowog
It's like scratching a chalkboard
against another chalkboard
If you are attacked, the ring will respond to
your thoughts and imagination to protect you
Begin
Cool, I dodged it, protect me, Selena Gomez
I meant weapons, you Poozer
Hey now
I am not sure that the earthlings
are worthy of our ring
- Make them kiss
- Yes, it is hot in here
Let's just hope they gave Abin Sur
the burial he deserved
Your enhanced strength and criptonized lasers
make you a match for even Superman
Mr. Luthor
Yes, a flawless design
Tyler, I told you not to play ball in here
I'm so sorry Mr. Luthor
it's my day to watch him...
Just stop talking for one second
That tickles
But, what's going on here?
Ok, just to be completely clear
All we gonna do is go
over to the Hall of Justice
plant a nega-bomb and kill them
all at once, that's it, right
Exactly, and we're sneaking over
at night when it's dark like Sinestro said
great idea "N'estro"
And it never hurts to leave
a few riddles with embedded clues
on how to diffuse the bomb
- Right, gang?
- Look, Eddy
We're not doing the riddle thing anymore
You don't have to get your dick
prince over everything we do
Without my riddles
they might as well not even show up
Fine, riddle me this
Witch losers are gonna be totally jealous
when I defeat the JLA without them
It's you, guys
Riddle me this
who is the punctuation posse?
- Perhaps I can answer your question
- Riddler
Intense emotion do I hear?
- Then the Exclamer must be near
- The Exclamer?
Wait, can we have a pause here
for a second?
Pausing is my game, Flash
- And The Coma is my name
- Forget it
I'm shutting down this turd factory
before it gets any worse
Did someone use
a quote yet, we can't hear
Jack, back here
So if we just turn off the light
when we leave the room...
Wait, they said Bane
had crippled me for life
but that monster isn't going to own me
I'm back
Oh my god, this is not happening!
Where were you guys on that one?
You just watched it
This is a waking nightmare
Oh, come on, guys
I've had this since I was thirteen
Riddle me this Mirror Master
What's pink, quivering and needs a shave?
Two things: Sinestro and Sinestro's vagina
- Let's go
- Ok, ok, I've got to do it
- Call 991, guys
- I'm not so fan of blood
We'll need more TP here, fellas
- I'm out of here
- Help me, help me
Riddle me this, what's covered in question
marks, sniffs clue and was never here
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice
Maybe the crew ship wouldn't sink
If they didn't shove a quarter tons
of self-loathing in the every cabin
How they even wipe themselves?
Someone said crew ship like in the ocean?
Why didn't you invite me?
To tell the fish to get out of the way
no, they figured out
- Nice one, Superman
- Sorry guys, bad news
The toilet still clogged
That was an ancient relic
passed down from my ancestors
Your ancestors didn't
know crap about plumbing
I got friends coming over tonight
These lobsters walk right
into the door, anyone hungry?
The Johnsons! No!
Ant Johnson performed my bris
Aquaman, I hear you
- Can we still eat the lobsters?
- Somebody said lobsters?
That's it! You treat me
like I'm not even on the team
Every day, it's Aqualoser
there's a Aquapuss that
- Aquaman, the floor is wet
- I am the king of the fucking ocean, cyborg
Do you think I've never seen a paddle before?
My tailbone! My tailbone
Please...
- Need a hospital
- Just use your Aquamobile
How am I supposed to ride a sea dude?
That is it
That is it
And now, "Real characters
from the DC universe"
Well, hello there! I'm Mr. Banjo
I steal America's secret
and send it to foreign enemies
by playing Morse code
on my banjo playing
That's right
No! No way
You lock me in here with Fatty Arbuckle
I can fly
I can shoot nuclear blasts
I can literally
literally turn lead into gold
Well, you just hang on there, my friend
This banjo cost me almost sixty dollars
so we both bring our lap to the table
And where the fuck is B'dg?
Down the hall, first dressing
room on the right
Oh hello, my name is B'dg
And, who ever's been picking their nose
at the urinal and wiping it on the wall
Stop it
- That's evil
- It's disgusting
Guys, what is the wifi
password in here again
Catwoman is a bitch
all in one word with a capital B
No, that's evil
It's the Justice League, we're under attack
Quiet, folks
See, Aquaman has come alone
- Giganta, right?
- Shoo, go away!
- Hey, I just wanna talk
- Alright, but there's an entrance fee
Giganta, you dumb cow
you've led my archenemy right to us
I'll lift the fight another day
Aquaman, you are now our hostage
I'm already a hostage Luthor
a hostage to the JLA's insults
But no more
Aquaman is the newest member
of the Legion of Doom
Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings
I have the code to the watch
tower service entrance
Welcome aboard
What the fuck is going on out there?
I left my windows down
No, our document say you were born
on august 15, 1865, a Tuesday
It should also be noted that your
actual legal name is Salomon Gruesday
Hey, guys, I'm back
Where have I been, ho
kicking the ocean business?
You know, I didn't join
the force of evil or anything
- You got the cake for Robin's Bar Mitzvah?
- Yep, that's all I'm good for, right
There goes our petty cash
Better too much than too little, right?
- He's blowing it
- Riddle me this: Who's hand is that?
- Mine's between two pillows
- We've heard you the first three times
We've all seen the movie
Actually, I never seen it
but that joke was in the trailer
Fine, let's just get it in the rec room
Surprise!
I didn't do anything
- What is this?
- It's an Aquaman appreciation party
Yeah, Robin is not Jewish
We give you a hard time
but only because we love you, bro
You really feel that way?
Do I really feel...
look at this guy, of course
We're a family, now, do the honor
Shush, something's happening
Yeah, Aquaman in the house!
Do not push
- Quiet, you fool
- But... but... but...
I said quiet!
I told you to... wait!
They are shoving knifes in here?
Get out of the cake
We've been caked
Wait, wait, guys, my legs are asleep
Now, we'll see what Mr Banjo can do
Face it green fool, you're
no match for the power of fear
I can't look at you like that
was that a choice?
I got a staph infection, I almost died
Who brought a kick ball?
Am I here, or over here?
- How would you know who's the real...
- Face punch
See you next gruesday
Freeze, chill, ice, freeze, cool
Yeah, drop it mother fuckers
who's next?
I'll fight you Wonder Woman
but I've got a debt
Oh great
Like I was drowning in couch to start with
now I've got a nose
like a fucking can opener
Meow, was I supposed to fight DarkSide
cause... I'm a guy in a cat suit
Give it up, Joker, you...
Is that piss, dude?
Did you just squirt piss in my mouth?
We are done, professionally
It's not his piss, Bats
That is only slightly better
Rule of three asshole, not four
Oh man!
I can't concentrate with
that damn banjo noise
Fine, suck on this
Here, again
The world's greatest felon and earth
mightiest hero must do the dance of death
Mother Fucker, that split my lap
Enough of this, time for the end game
- Aquaman, the kryptonite, now
- Kryptonite!
Throw me the kryptonite
and the evil will win
No Aquaman, I'm your bro
Bro? Your treated him
like ponce god, for too long
Now, he has his revenge
Sorry, Luthor, I'm no villain
I'm hero
and I'm gonna kick your ass
Aqua-punch! Yeah!
Aquaman gets his groove back
Oh, fuck
How can you measure the value
of a man who did so much for so many?
And what would we do without him? Without...
Glenn?
This is how the Robot Chicken
DC Comics Special ends?
With some cheap ass misdirect?
We're no even gonna find out
who survived? Everyone's ok with that?
Shush! Don't worry, Jimmy
you won't remember a thing
And neither will you
You know, the thing about Glenn was...
Oh, damn it
Another job well done
Prosubtitling
Robot Chicken, for one hundred episodes
they defiled every entertainment
brand in the known universe
Now, their greatest challenge
writing the cocktail
of the most iconic characters
of all time, not counting Harry Potter
The DC comics superheroes
Some of them are super than others
that guy just talks to fish
Hey!
This is the Robot Chicken
DC Comics Special
Hashtag RCDC
- Oh boy, the invisible jet
- Hurry up, Aquaman!
- Let's go, buddy
- I'm coming!
Sike!
Last one at the party can't fly
He will be the last one
at the party, because he can't fly
Fine, I'll just swim there
Silly punks
Batman owns the night
now taste fear...
Wait, wait, what? Oh God!
Oh, my back just snapped
like a pack of uncooked spaghetti!
You just walk up and break
my back without saying a word
Booh!
Booh on you, sir
That's Bane
And now, "Real characters
from the DC Universe"
Hi, I'm B'Dg
I'm a member of the Green Lantern core
Can you believe it folks?
He really exists
Huh...
Do you guys want me to say anything or?
Tune in next time, for another edition
of "Real characters from the DC Universe"
Lois, you helped me defeat
general Zod, Superman too
But now, you know I'm Superman
I have to kiss you and make you forget
Why would that be one
of your super powers?
You should hear yourself sometimes, Lois
What, why am I standing here with Clark Kent
when I should be chasing
the scoop on Superman
I should really use that power more often
My beautiful hair, I'll never forget
how you took it from me Superman
Adventure comics n271
- Oh really?
- Superman!
I'll destroy you... what are you doing?
- I can't remember why I hate you
- Oh yeah, I know
You might want to close your eyes
I run my fingers through your hair
and I kiss you, bro
And you won't remember a thing
Don't trying run away
Another job well done
I should have thought this through
Oh, well
- Hey, how's it going?
- Right, right, right
Oh, come on!
Welcome everyone to the
grand opening of our newest exhibit
The Blue Star of Egypt
All right, people, we all know
what's coming next
Let's see if we can at least make it
through a round of hors d'oeuvres
before the first supervillain shows up
Apparently, there's a salmon bagel bite
Everyone, freeze!
Sorry to be so cold-hearted
but Mr. Freeze is stealing that ice
I was not expecting paprika
A-plus effort, honestly
Everyone, chill out!
Or Captain Cold will put you on ice
- Come on!
- I thought we had a schedule worked out
This is my day
I have a new assistant
I'm still bringing him in
Everyone, stay cool!
It's about to get downright
to bone-chillin' in here
Thanks to Icicle
I just walked into a cluster fuck
You guys, you have to try
these salmon thingies
Focus, Captain Cold
Clearly there's not room for three
cold-themed villains with freeze rays
I guess you two Snow Jobs will
have to change gimmicks, then
It's not my gimmick, I'll literally
die in warm temperatures
My cryogeneticly frozen wife
is my entire reason of living
My name is Victor Fries, for God's sake
It's "Freeze", but you spell it "fries"
like French fries, weird
- It's German
- Well, I ain't changing, you dick
Everyone, freeze!
Oh, for fuck's sake
- I completely forgot about Chillblaine
- You and America, buddy
It took me six years of research
to build my freeze ray
How do you high school
dropouts keep making them?
Are they as easy to build as ham
radios and I'm just an asshole?
Guys, we've demolished
a lot of load-bearing walls in here
Well, those villains are going to the cooler
thanks to Ice and her amazing freeze powers
Cool
I'm glad you guys could come
all the way to Earth-C
Me and Captain Carrot didn't see
eye to eye on a lot of things but...
no one deserves to die like that
I never met the Captain
or his "Zoo Crew", but...
since you vouch for him, I'm glad
to be here in their time of need
Why didn't you tell me
they look like cartoons
Wait
I'm good
Dammit, sorry
If you can't keep it together
you need to leave
I know, I know! For the love of...
it's a turtle wearing goggles
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm... I'm sorry, its just...
that... pig... looks so sad
I can't, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't!
- Your friend was very inappropriate
- We're so sorry Little Cheese
Little Cheese
I just don't see how you could
let it get this bad
It's the swamp thing baby
you wouldn't understand
Bane broke my back
but years of training allowed me
to heal in record time
Now, let's see what the joker...
oh my god, no!
Like a string of firecrackers
my fucking back
I felt the soles of my feet touch
the back of my head on that one
That's Bane
And now, "Real characters
from the DC Universe"
- Hey there, I'm Firestorm
- Can you believe it, folks?
- Take a good look at this douche
- I'm... Firestorm
The nuclear man
I was in the Justice League
His hair is actually made of fire
Bet he blows through
his comb budget pretty quickly
- But I'm really popular
- We'll be back next time for...
"Real characters from the DC Universe"
- What are we doing here, Lantern
- What's the matter?
You're a little rusty with the ladies?
If anyone's gonna score tonight
it's the man of steel
Haven't you been courting Lois Lane
for like fifteen years
- Do you ever score?
- Watch and learn
Hey ladies, you look like you could
use a non-threatening guy pal
who would never push your boundaries
And while you're at it, could you co-sign
my loan for a late model Corolla?
Got a pen?
Not even I could get
to the friend zone that fast
Class is in session, people
soon as I get this suit off
Hold on there, money bags
you gotta do it in costume
Yeah, that's the rules
we all have to be in costume
What? I'm dressed like a giant bat
Well, fuck you guys, I'm getting wasted
Got a couple Pia Coladas here
just for the ladies
Looks like you could use some just for men
And you bitches can pay for your own drinks
Name's Aquaman, I know how to talk to tuna
Martian Manhunter?
What are you doing?
I have a life outside the team, you know
- You are the worst, you are the worst
- Aquaman got manhunted
I'm outta here
there's plenty of fish in the sea
Did he mean that metaphorically or...
I do not just call when I've been drinking
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom
And this new plan will crush
the Justice League once and for all
But more importantly, it's time
to draw names, for secret Santa
- It's team building, people
- Shake it up, shake it up
I got Leonard Snart
who's Leonard Snart?
Is he the kid in the mail room with the B.O.?
Everyday I'm like, "I smell the
mail coming!" and sure enough...
I'm Leonard Snart
How could I forget?
I think that kid's name is Glenn
Somebody is going to get a big surprise
A new rule this year everybody
no exploding toys
I'm literally the only
one affected by that rule
I still have a scar in my forehead
from Christmas 2004, you dumb butthole
It's... it's how I express love
Has everyone drawn a name?
God, what smells like a turd lovers pizza?
Hey guys, we doin' secret
Santa again this year?
Non noncommittal mumbling
the gift that keeps on giving
I have a glandular condition, you guys
This is not my fault, you think I don't try?
I shower everyday
I shower everyday
Learn more about Glenn
and his battle against body odor
right after these commercial messages
Ladies and Gentlemen
I don't know how to break this news
in any way that make sense of it
so I'll just give you
the facts as I have them
Glenn killed himself during
the commercial break
My God, what was that?
I don't know but I'll find out Mr. Jordan
This is so cool
Not quite "Independence Day" cool, but
much cooler than "Battle Los Angeles" cool
If Battle Los Angeles was zero cool
and Independence Day was 10 cool
then this would be about a 7 cool
I am Abin Sur
It's a 9 cool
- From the Green Lantern...
- Exposition Youpi!
- The ring, the cosmic ring...
- Oh my gosh, oh my gosh
- Has chosen you as its new master
- Oh my gosh, oh my gosh
Al Jordan
Last words spoken in its native tongue
We'll tragically never know
what Al Jordan means in English
Watch this ring is glowing and
seems to be taking over my body
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Ok, ok
Could you please stop screaming?
Thank you
You will be trained
to use your ring by Kilowog
It's like scratching a chalkboard
against another chalkboard
If you are attacked, the ring will respond to
your thoughts and imagination to protect you
Begin
Cool, I dodged it, protect me, Selena Gomez
I meant weapons, you Poozer
Hey now
I am not sure that the earthlings
are worthy of our ring
- Make them kiss
- Yes, it is hot in here
Let's just hope they gave Abin Sur
the burial he deserved
Your enhanced strength and criptonized lasers
make you a match for even Superman
Mr. Luthor
Yes, a flawless design
Tyler, I told you not to play ball in here
I'm so sorry Mr. Luthor
it's my day to watch him...
Just stop talking for one second
That tickles
But, what's going on here?
Ok, just to be completely clear
All we gonna do is go
over to the Hall of Justice
plant a nega-bomb and kill them
all at once, that's it, right
Exactly, and we're sneaking over
at night when it's dark like Sinestro said
great idea "N'estro"
And it never hurts to leave
a few riddles with embedded clues
on how to diffuse the bomb
- Right, gang?
- Look, Eddy
We're not doing the riddle thing anymore
You don't have to get your dick
prince over everything we do
Without my riddles
they might as well not even show up
Fine, riddle me this
Witch losers are gonna be totally jealous
when I defeat the JLA without them
It's you, guys
Riddle me this
who is the punctuation posse?
- Perhaps I can answer your question
- Riddler
Intense emotion do I hear?
- Then the Exclamer must be near
- The Exclamer?
Wait, can we have a pause here
for a second?
Pausing is my game, Flash
- And The Coma is my name
- Forget it
I'm shutting down this turd factory
before it gets any worse
Did someone use
a quote yet, we can't hear
Jack, back here
So if we just turn off the light
when we leave the room...
Wait, they said Bane
had crippled me for life
but that monster isn't going to own me
I'm back
Oh my god, this is not happening!
Where were you guys on that one?
You just watched it
This is a waking nightmare
Oh, come on, guys
I've had this since I was thirteen
Riddle me this Mirror Master
What's pink, quivering and needs a shave?
Two things: Sinestro and Sinestro's vagina
- Let's go
- Ok, ok, I've got to do it
- Call 991, guys
- I'm not so fan of blood
We'll need more TP here, fellas
- I'm out of here
- Help me, help me
Riddle me this, what's covered in question
marks, sniffs clue and was never here
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice
Maybe the crew ship wouldn't sink
If they didn't shove a quarter tons
of self-loathing in the every cabin
How they even wipe themselves?
Someone said crew ship like in the ocean?
Why didn't you invite me?
To tell the fish to get out of the way
no, they figured out
- Nice one, Superman
- Sorry guys, bad news
The toilet still clogged
That was an ancient relic
passed down from my ancestors
Your ancestors didn't
know crap about plumbing
I got friends coming over tonight
These lobsters walk right
into the door, anyone hungry?
The Johnsons! No!
Ant Johnson performed my bris
Aquaman, I hear you
- Can we still eat the lobsters?
- Somebody said lobsters?
That's it! You treat me
like I'm not even on the team
Every day, it's Aqualoser
there's a Aquapuss that
- Aquaman, the floor is wet
- I am the king of the fucking ocean, cyborg
Do you think I've never seen a paddle before?
My tailbone! My tailbone
Please...
- Need a hospital
- Just use your Aquamobile
How am I supposed to ride a sea dude?
That is it
That is it
And now, "Real characters
from the DC universe"
Well, hello there! I'm Mr. Banjo
I steal America's secret
and send it to foreign enemies
by playing Morse code
on my banjo playing
That's right
No! No way
You lock me in here with Fatty Arbuckle
I can fly
I can shoot nuclear blasts
I can literally
literally turn lead into gold
Well, you just hang on there, my friend
This banjo cost me almost sixty dollars
so we both bring our lap to the table
And where the fuck is B'dg?
Down the hall, first dressing
room on the right
Oh hello, my name is B'dg
And, who ever's been picking their nose
at the urinal and wiping it on the wall
Stop it
- That's evil
- It's disgusting
Guys, what is the wifi
password in here again
Catwoman is a bitch
all in one word with a capital B
No, that's evil
It's the Justice League, we're under attack
Quiet, folks
See, Aquaman has come alone
- Giganta, right?
- Shoo, go away!
- Hey, I just wanna talk
- Alright, but there's an entrance fee
Giganta, you dumb cow
you've led my archenemy right to us
I'll lift the fight another day
Aquaman, you are now our hostage
I'm already a hostage Luthor
a hostage to the JLA's insults
But no more
Aquaman is the newest member
of the Legion of Doom
Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings
I have the code to the watch
tower service entrance
Welcome aboard
What the fuck is going on out there?
I left my windows down
No, our document say you were born
on august 15, 1865, a Tuesday
It should also be noted that your
actual legal name is Salomon Gruesday
Hey, guys, I'm back
Where have I been, ho
kicking the ocean business?
You know, I didn't join
the force of evil or anything
- You got the cake for Robin's Bar Mitzvah?
- Yep, that's all I'm good for, right
There goes our petty cash
Better too much than too little, right?
- He's blowing it
- Riddle me this: Who's hand is that?
- Mine's between two pillows
- We've heard you the first three times
We've all seen the movie
Actually, I never seen it
but that joke was in the trailer
Fine, let's just get it in the rec room
Surprise!
I didn't do anything
- What is this?
- It's an Aquaman appreciation party
Yeah, Robin is not Jewish
We give you a hard time
but only because we love you, bro
You really feel that way?
Do I really feel...
look at this guy, of course
We're a family, now, do the honor
Shush, something's happening
Yeah, Aquaman in the house!
Do not push
- Quiet, you fool
- But... but... but...
I said quiet!
I told you to... wait!
They are shoving knifes in here?
Get out of the cake
We've been caked
Wait, wait, guys, my legs are asleep
Now, we'll see what Mr Banjo can do
Face it green fool, you're
no match for the power of fear
I can't look at you like that
was that a choice?
I got a staph infection, I almost died
Who brought a kick ball?
Am I here, or over here?
- How would you know who's the real...
- Face punch
See you next gruesday
Freeze, chill, ice, freeze, cool
Yeah, drop it mother fuckers
who's next?
I'll fight you Wonder Woman
but I've got a debt
Oh great
Like I was drowning in couch to start with
now I've got a nose
like a fucking can opener
Meow, was I supposed to fight DarkSide
cause... I'm a guy in a cat suit
Give it up, Joker, you...
Is that piss, dude?
Did you just squirt piss in my mouth?
We are done, professionally
It's not his piss, Bats
That is only slightly better
Rule of three asshole, not four
Oh man!
I can't concentrate with
that damn banjo noise
Fine, suck on this
Here, again
The world's greatest felon and earth
mightiest hero must do the dance of death
Mother Fucker, that split my lap
Enough of this, time for the end game
- Aquaman, the kryptonite, now
- Kryptonite!
Throw me the kryptonite
and the evil will win
No Aquaman, I'm your bro
Bro? Your treated him
like ponce god, for too long
Now, he has his revenge
Sorry, Luthor, I'm no villain
I'm hero
and I'm gonna kick your ass
Aqua-punch! Yeah!
Aquaman gets his groove back
Oh, fuck
How can you measure the value
of a man who did so much for so many?
And what would we do without him? Without...
Glenn?
This is how the Robot Chicken
DC Comics Special ends?
With some cheap ass misdirect?
We're no even gonna find out
who survived? Everyone's ok with that?
Shush! Don't worry, Jimmy
you won't remember a thing
And neither will you
You know, the thing about Glenn was...
Oh, damn it
Another job well done
Prosubtitling