Robot Chicken: Self-Discovery Special (2025) Movie Script
We all paid 80 bucks
for the blue hats, right?
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Debit card got rejected.
- We can't be
The Cerulean Chapeaus
until you buy the damn hat,
- Camden!
- Look at me.
- I'm an elephant.
- Mom!
Did Dr. Chen renew
the prescription
for your rectal shingles,
or not?
- [Laughs]
- Like a roof in your butt?
Eugh!
My mom won't give me
one nanosecond of peace!
I was going to the Walgreens.
I'm not making two trips
to the Walgreens.
It's such an honor
to meet the A-list actor
who took the C-list
comic character
to a B-list movie character.
Oh, so this is Mr. Strange!
Mom! What the fuck
are you doing?!
Oh! It's so nice to meet you,
Mr. Strange.
Enchant. [Smooches]
Boop, boo, boo!
[Chuckles] Charmed.
50 bucks, kid.
So, what's on the agenda today?
Mother-son boudoir photography?
Wha-ack-what-what?!
I would rather pull off
all my skin,
roll it up like a Fruit Roll-Up,
and then eat it.
Would you do that on camera?
And three, two...
Drop the robes!
- Ta-da!
- [Gagging]
These will make
such a lovely Christmas card!
Oh, my stars and garters.
What is happening?!
The Benedick has arrived.
Oh. That's nice.
[Camera shutter clicking]
- Ooh!
- What is that?
It does look a little strange.
No shit, Sherlock.
But seriously, kid,
get that checked out.
I'm Zak Bagans,
and this is "Ghost Adventures".
Tonight, we explore
this abandoned
seasonal inflatable
lawn decoration factory.
Is it a paranormal hotbed
or just a lot of hot air?
- Whoa, dude!
- [Whispers] We'll cut Aaron's line in post.
[Ominous music plays]
Broooo.
The Zak-ometer's going crazy.
Da-da-da-daaa!
Welcome to Ghost Bitchventures
starring yours truly,
Bitch Pudding. Blam!
- I'm Zak Bagans.
- Wow!
It's the bass player
in every ska band.
- No, this is my Zak-ometer.
- No shit?
We're shooting a TV show
for Travel Channel.
I'm making my own show
for Travel Channel.
Guess we'll see who makes
a better show then, Bloggins!
Guess we will!
Da-da-da-daaa!
Just between us
paranormal professionals--
did a ghost ever finger
your funhole?
Naw, naw, no. That's absurd.
Ghosts are voices
from the other side,
desperate to communicate
with the living.
New question. Slenderman
wants to finger your funhole--
he'll give you $500,
but it's in ghost dollars.
What do you do?
Nobody's fingering
any funholes.
[Laughs]
[Deep, raspy voice] Aaron!
Bro, tell me you got that
on tape.
I am the ghost of the seasonal
inflatable lawn decoration
factory killer.
Proof! 34 seasons
and we finally have proof!
- Aaron!
- Yes, sir?
Would you let Slenderman
finger your funhole
for 500 ghost dollars?
Is... he paying me
or am I paying him?
[Laughs evilly]
You stupid idiot!
Da-da-da-daaa!
[Deep, raspy voice]
Zak! It is I.
Jackpot! This is the real deal!
Tell us, why did you do
those terrible things here
in the seasonal inflatable
lawn decoration factory?
I will tell you...
if you let my BFF
Slenderman finger your funhole.
Jesus Christ, Bitch Pudding!
Do you know how much
this camera crew costs?
- [Roars]
- [Screams]
Da-da-da-daaa!
Are you the ghost or did a
dinosaur shit out Prince Philip?
Not topical anymore? Okay.
Oh, noooooo!
[In slow motion]
My camera!
[Screaming in slow motion]
[In slow motion]
Ghost Bitchventures!
[Rock and roll music plays]
Aah!
[Screams]
[Laughing evilly]
Oh, wow!
Oh, shit!
Blam!
Whoo!
[Normal voice]
Consider this myth... busted.
[Normal voice] Wrong show.
The state of our oceans
is in crisis.
Human-caused pollution
and global warming
has made the world's oceans
unlivable for many species.
Forced migration was inevitable.
Invasive species are never
welcomed by native wildlife.
[Clears throat] You know
how fast you were going?
Had anything to drink tonight?
[Engine revs, tires screech]
He's running! He's running!
Is this the future anyone wants?
This is Shark Week.
Let's keep our oceans beautiful
and keep sea life
where it belongs --
in the sea.
Ugh. [Groaning]
Wh-- Wh-- Where am I,
and why am I... naked?!
Greetings, Bat-fool!
Let's see how you like being
Naked and Afraid!
Naked? Yes, undeniable --
there's my Bat-dick.
Afraid? Never.
No, that's the name of the show.
You must survive
"Naked and Afraid",
or I'll blow up
the Naked and Afraid Experience
at Warner Bros Movie World!
No!
It's Australia's hidden gem!
Then I suppose
you'll be playing my game!
What, like this is supposed
to be hard? I'm Batman.
In the morning I'll build
a boat, sail to Gotham City,
and punch Riddler
right in the balls.
Meow, room on that boat
for one more? Meow.
- [Gasps] Catwoman!
- [Gasps]
Meow. Looks like we've got
an Adam and Eve situation
happening here, Batman.
Meow!
Yeah, only if Eve belonged
in Arkham Asylum
and Adam could bench press
550 pounds --
- 560, whatever.
- Oh, fucking meow!
We're trapped on a
deserted island with no clothes,
and you still won't look at me
from the neck down. Meow!
Oh, no, just --
I'm just thinking about
my mother's bullet-riddled
corpse.
- Meow.
- Ugh, I'm an open book.
We should hit civilization
with about 3 to 4 weeks
of strong paddling, Robin.
Guess this is our view
for the next month, huh?
Meow, Batman!
Volleyball Robin!
Riddler was watching us from
his tree fort the whole time.
Want to help me tie him
to a fire ant hill?
I can whip him with a palm.
[Sarcastically] No, don't!
You can come inside my batcave.
We're going home!
You can make your own boat,
Selina!
Meow, oh, you'll be back!
After all, palm tree sap
dissolves in saltwater, stupid.
- [Wood creaks, breaks]
- Oh! What the fuck!
Mayday! Gentlemen,
it has been an honor!
Robin? Wait, no, Robin!
Where are you go--?
Robin!
As longtime viewers know,
I'm very unlucky in love.
But I've met someone
very special online.
So today, I'm traveling
to her hometown to propose.
[Seagull cries]
[People screaming]
- It's a beast!
- Giant coming!
Hey! Stop that!
Ow! Ow! Oops!
Whoa!
[Thuds]
[Groans]
Big Ed!
Wow. You really are big.
Mary, you look normal size
in our nude Facetimes.
I knew I should have
asked for a banana for scale.
I am the King of Lilliput!
Any man who wants to marry my
daughter must prove his worth.
[Seagull cries]
Ah, fuck!
The pooping dragon!
Run for cover!
[People screaming]
He probably smells
all the mayo I put in my hair.
Get outta here!
Big Ed, you have saved
our kingdom
from the hot white liquid death.
You may have my daughter's hand.
This is the best news!
[Excitedly] Da, da, da, da.
Whoa!
Mary? You good?
Hi there, Mr. Nerd.
I'm Dr. Toesenhoofer.
What brings you here?
You're the cheapest doctor
on my mom's insurance plan --
[Whispers] thanks, Obama --
[Normal voice] but I figured
feet are just muscle,
bones, and skin.
How's that any different
from the rest of my body?
You probably just focus on feet
to feel special, right?
I've got one who can see.
Wait!
I really do need your help.
Gross! [Gagging]
So-- Sorry.
That was unprofessional.
[Clears throat] Ooh.
Let's cut open this foot --
er, thing --
and -- and take a look inside.
Shouldn't we do
some tests first?
All my tests are for feet.
Okay, just a small incision.
Oh, my God!
What the heck is that?
It's a teratoma,
a benign tumor --
sometimes containing the cells
of a twin.
Ooh.
This one has excellent feet.
So I have a brother?
Wazzup!
Wow, he's so cool.
He'll need a cool name.
How about James Dean or Keanu?
Wolverine? [Gasps]
Jamesdean Keanu-Wolverine!
Oh. That's cute.
Anyway, this disgusting growth
should die off naturally
in about 90 days.
What? No! We just met.
I have so much to show him
about the world.
Settlers of Catan.
The McRib.
- Sex tourism.
- Oh, man.
You'll never fall in love
and get married.
It was always a dream to be an
usher at my brother's wedding.
A wedding in 90 days?
I might know some people. Wink.
[Romanian accent]
My name Jordashe,
22-year-old Romanian villager.
Dream to find love
with American husband
and live new life in U.S.A.
with the ham-borg-er
and the riding lawnmower.
I have been e-mailing
with cute boy named James Dean.
Jordashe! It's us!
You not James Dean.
Meet your new love of your life!
Buenos dias, baby.
You did not tell me
you were attached
to ugly human nerd.
Not cool, bro.
True, I didn't, but daddy
brought you a Squishmallow.
Okay.
You have a lovely home,
Mrs. Chow-cheff-skew.
Thanks your, Green Card.
It's a house where I born.
It's house where I die.
[Slurping]
So is this, like, your erection
or mine?
I gotta confess something,
sweet tits.
I'm gonna die in 90 days.
This Romania.
I hope I die in 90 days.
- Okay.
- [Both moaning]
Wow. I love the village life.
Ooh, and look at those Slavic
hotties giving us the eyeball.
[Sultry Romanian accent]
Oooh, hello, Greenie!
Well, too bad you're spoken for.
You wanna be my wingman?
Buckethead! "Romanian Bar" --
That sound like accent.
I'm so excited for this wedding.
Should we have invited
our parents?
That seems like an oversight.
[Slurping]
Are we still at the bar?
I feel a lot of tongues.
Are we at a petting zoo?
Shut up!
Just keep that bucket on.
Do you, Meal ticket,
take this woman
to be your legally wedded
USA wife?
- I do, babe.
- And do you,
Jordache Alucard
Chow-cheff-skew,
take this man --
-Oooh, hello, baby.
Hey, it's the three ladies
who took us to the petting zoo
- last night!
- Petting zoo?
I am familiar
with American euphemisms.
Cheating dog! Stab stab!
[Screams]
Jamesdean Keanu-Wolverine! No!
[Coughing]
Better to burn out
than fade away.
Keep on ro--
That... That was so cool.
Say, don't people usually poop
their pants when they die?
[Spluttering, farting]
Oh, there it is.
This week on
"This Came Out of Me".
This came out of me.
That's a baby, ma'am.
- [Baby whimpers]
- Should I put it back in?
Hey, everybody.
Guy Fieri --
not Fury,
not Fi-ally, not Gus Ferrari.
We're rolling out
to find the greatest diners,
drive-ins, and dives.
Today, we're checking out
Gargamel's Hate House
off exit 13
of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Okay, first impressions?
Absolutely zero customers.
I'm met the owner to get
the lowdown on the showdown.
There's no foot traffic
in the middle of a forest.
Plus, everyone in the village
says I'm an evil wizard. Blegh.
- [Meows]
- Oh, right.
The unpaid parking tickets.
I kind of turned the mayor
into a frog about it.
Um, does that cat
understand English?
- Barely.
- But things change quite a bit
when I tried
the house specialty,
Chef Gargamel's famous
Smurf Pie.
The crust is super flaky.
The vanilla, the pine nuts.
And wow, there's, like,
this little savory pork
that melts in your mouth
right at the end.
- What is that?
- [Shouts]
- That's the Smurf.
- What is a Smurf?
Oh, it's just local
woodland creature
indigenous to these parts,
which I sometimes hunt
for food and sport.
Help us, help us, help us!
Alright, Chef,
you gotta walk me through it.
Is it line caught or net caught?
What is the yield?
Is it boiled or baked?
Is it brined or marinated?
- The flavor is rocking the house.
- Thank you, Guy Fieri.
[Sniffs] You truly live up
to the legends.
Say, Guy, would you like to --
Would you care to go
on a grocery run with me?
Yes.
Run!
[Tires screeching]
[Smurfs screaming]
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hark! I am Crab Woman!
I am in trouble.
You see, I accidentally
opened my briefcase
full of crabs,
which are my babies,
and they all scurried away.
I fear they've been caught
and eaten.
I am Crab Woman!
We'll help you
get all of your crabs.
[Stammers]
For you, of course.
Oh, thank you!
Now let's sail around
aimlessly searching for them.
Search aimlessly?
No way. I'm out.
- [Water splashes]
- Sorry.
Jake's just being "crabby".
I like that about him.
[Laughs]
Whoopsie!
- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Oh! The crabs got all over you.
I will crab-solutely
brush them off.
Clamp! I know it was you
who's been killing
my crab babies.
Now you're going to pay!
Ah! Crab BJ!
- Surprise!
- [Cackles]
I guess you could say
I was your deadliest catch.
[Laughs]
And so the legend
of Crab Woman is born.
I am Crab Woman!
What do you want me to do?
Say your name
and what your addiction is.
- [Shouts] What?
- [Loudly] Say your name
and what your addiction is.
[Loudly] Okay.
My name is Larry,
and I'm addicted to... foghorns!
[Foghorn blares]
Foghorns!
[Blaring continues]
Fo--
Heads up, gang.
That greedy hotel owner
says the ghost looks like
a guy in a gorilla suit
- with a frying pan on his head.
- [Both grunt]
Jinkies!
The Ghost Adventures crew.
Does that, like, mean there's,
like, a real ghost?
- [Teeth chattering]
- Don't worry, buddy,
you just need to let them know
that we come in peace.
[Shouts] Oh spirits,
be not afraid!
I'm sure it can all be
explained with science.
Oh, it's a ghost.
And we'll prove it.
Nerds!
[Zak-ometer beeping]
Oh, check out th-- Nah-uh.
[Grunting]
[Beeping continues]
- [Alarm blaring]
- Uh-oh! Everybody out!
Well, gang, we cracked it.
A carbon monoxide leak
was making people believe
- this old place was haunted.
- If it was a gas leak,
why is the Zak-ometer
going crazy?
Like, maybe it's smelling
your Taco Bell farts
like the rest of us.
I think something dark
is inside that place,
and I won't leave
until I find out what it is.
Come on, Scoob, like,
what's the holdup?
I'll tell you what
the holdup is.
Scoob is a Ghost Adventurer now!
Reah! RI'm ra
Rost Radventurer row.
- Huh?
- No, Scooby.
That son of a bitch.
Like, man, that place is
still full of carbon monoxide.
[Romantic instrumental music
plays]
- Oui.
- Oui.
[People shouting]
Oh, no!
[Music continues]
Help us!
- Oui.
- Oui.
Baguette.
[Groans]
[People shouting]
[Botched French]
Ceci est de l'art.
Oui.
[Smooches]
- Oui.
- [Water splashes]
- Oui.
- [Water splashes]
I sense you're trying
to contact a departed loved one.
- Yes.
- I'm getting the letter T.
Wow, you are good.
He was a tumor. See?
Oh, my gawd,
you brought the body with you.
I've never done of reading
this fresh before.
[Gasps] Oh, I'm getting...
I'm... uh...
I'm, ugh, getting the... ugh...
Oh. He's getting worked up
about something, honey.
I gotta break contact,
otherwise he might --
[Stammering]
Uh, Mrs. Medium?
[Jamesdean's voice]
Wazzup!
- Jamesdean? Is that you?
- You jabroni!
You got me stabbed
at my own wedding!
I'm gonna kill you!
Ahhh!
Hi, I'm Zak Bagans.
Rand RI'm Rooby Raggins.
Ruh-ro! Ret's ret routta rere!
[Screams]
Oh, that does it!
No more reality shows!
You'll never see me again!
My brother thinks he's safe,
but I'll sip his steaming blood
from his hollowed-out skull.
Next time on
Staten Island Medium.
Moonshiners,
I come from the Moon Kingdom.
You are destined
to protect this realm from evil.
- Now hurry. Put these on.
- Well, shoot.
I ain't one
to question a talking raccoon.
Moonshine-rific!
Whoo! Does this tickle
your pickle, too?
Whoa!
Well, damn, we look great.
Whelp, time to save the world.
Yes!
Eat from my never-ending pies.
All your energy shall be mine!
[Laughs evilly]
We come to thwart your
evil doing, scary sexy lady!
Why can't I steal your energy?
It's like there's a force
protecting it.
Moonshine's a depressant.
Our senses have been dulled
for years.
[Both] In the name of the
moonshine, we'll punish you!
I don't have a catchphrase!
- [All slurping]
- Curse you, Sailor Moonshiners!
- Up top!
- Slap this thing!
Oh, no, I think I ripped
my space overalls.
Hey, kid, what'll it be?
Give me a strawberry moonshine.
Large.
Welcome to Alaska, stranger.
What reality show are you on?
Reality show?
Everyone in this town,
heck, most everyone in Alaska
has a docu-series
on the Discovery Channel.
We got Shawn Pomeranke
from "Bering Sea Gold",
Todd Hoffman
from "Hoffman Family Gold",
Marty Raney
from "Homestead Rescue" --
not sure if there's gold
in that one --
Jonathan Hillstrand
from "Deadliest Catch",
- "The Alaska Killer Bigfoot",
I could go on... - Hey, now!
I'm just here
to get off the grid,
build my own shelter, hunt my
own food, and face the elements.
- Oh, they're gonna love you.
- Excuse me, sir.
Are you 600 pounds or more?
Do you build your own shelter
in a remote area?
No, no, no, thank you.
No! No! No! No more reality TV!
Oh, thank God,
I think I lost them.
Hah, you know,
the great thing about Alaska
is making a snowman.
[Screams]
Welcome back
to Staten Island Medium.
In this episode,
I predict your death.
You forgot one thing, Evil Twin.
The power of callbacks!
Are you ready
for your Benediction?
[Jamesdean and Medium] Whoa! Be still
my wiener. Whoa! Be still my vagina.
[Both] Is that naked
Benedict Cumberbatch?
Let's get cumbersome.
- Fire it up!
- Hello!
- Yee-haw!
- If anyone asks, I'm 5'5".
Well done, my brother.
But you forgot something
as well.
- Oh, yeah? What?
- It's Shark Week!
[Laughs evilly]
- Oh, my God!
- [Shark roaring]
I hate sharks! I mean,
not as much as I hate eggs,
but I hate -- Ow!
Good job, Tickle.
- Outsmarted by a god dang shark!
- [Screaming]
Oh, everybody died.
Wow, thanks, guys.
See you in hell, baby.
[Laughs evilly]
Noooo! I don't wanna die!
[Gasping, panting] Huh?
I'm back at the foot doctor?
I've never seen anyone faint
from the topical anesthetic
before.
Oh, I just had
the weirdest dream.
You were there, and...
Well, anyway, it was
a real quest of self-discovery.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, where's my brother?
Brother? [Laughs]
You have what we call
an ingrown hair.
And pull!
Oh, my God. Ohhhhhh!
- [Chuckles]
- Oh, my God.
- Oooh! It's long one.
- Oh, my God, stop it!
- Oooh!
- What is happening?!
Keeps on coming.
- Ah, oh, my God.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh.
Annnnd... pop!
Ah, that... that was so gross.
You wanna see
something really gross?
- Uh, no.
- Ah!
[Screams]
- [Monkey grunting]
- Stoopid Monkey.
[Screaming]
for the blue hats, right?
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Debit card got rejected.
- We can't be
The Cerulean Chapeaus
until you buy the damn hat,
- Camden!
- Look at me.
- I'm an elephant.
- Mom!
Did Dr. Chen renew
the prescription
for your rectal shingles,
or not?
- [Laughs]
- Like a roof in your butt?
Eugh!
My mom won't give me
one nanosecond of peace!
I was going to the Walgreens.
I'm not making two trips
to the Walgreens.
It's such an honor
to meet the A-list actor
who took the C-list
comic character
to a B-list movie character.
Oh, so this is Mr. Strange!
Mom! What the fuck
are you doing?!
Oh! It's so nice to meet you,
Mr. Strange.
Enchant. [Smooches]
Boop, boo, boo!
[Chuckles] Charmed.
50 bucks, kid.
So, what's on the agenda today?
Mother-son boudoir photography?
Wha-ack-what-what?!
I would rather pull off
all my skin,
roll it up like a Fruit Roll-Up,
and then eat it.
Would you do that on camera?
And three, two...
Drop the robes!
- Ta-da!
- [Gagging]
These will make
such a lovely Christmas card!
Oh, my stars and garters.
What is happening?!
The Benedick has arrived.
Oh. That's nice.
[Camera shutter clicking]
- Ooh!
- What is that?
It does look a little strange.
No shit, Sherlock.
But seriously, kid,
get that checked out.
I'm Zak Bagans,
and this is "Ghost Adventures".
Tonight, we explore
this abandoned
seasonal inflatable
lawn decoration factory.
Is it a paranormal hotbed
or just a lot of hot air?
- Whoa, dude!
- [Whispers] We'll cut Aaron's line in post.
[Ominous music plays]
Broooo.
The Zak-ometer's going crazy.
Da-da-da-daaa!
Welcome to Ghost Bitchventures
starring yours truly,
Bitch Pudding. Blam!
- I'm Zak Bagans.
- Wow!
It's the bass player
in every ska band.
- No, this is my Zak-ometer.
- No shit?
We're shooting a TV show
for Travel Channel.
I'm making my own show
for Travel Channel.
Guess we'll see who makes
a better show then, Bloggins!
Guess we will!
Da-da-da-daaa!
Just between us
paranormal professionals--
did a ghost ever finger
your funhole?
Naw, naw, no. That's absurd.
Ghosts are voices
from the other side,
desperate to communicate
with the living.
New question. Slenderman
wants to finger your funhole--
he'll give you $500,
but it's in ghost dollars.
What do you do?
Nobody's fingering
any funholes.
[Laughs]
[Deep, raspy voice] Aaron!
Bro, tell me you got that
on tape.
I am the ghost of the seasonal
inflatable lawn decoration
factory killer.
Proof! 34 seasons
and we finally have proof!
- Aaron!
- Yes, sir?
Would you let Slenderman
finger your funhole
for 500 ghost dollars?
Is... he paying me
or am I paying him?
[Laughs evilly]
You stupid idiot!
Da-da-da-daaa!
[Deep, raspy voice]
Zak! It is I.
Jackpot! This is the real deal!
Tell us, why did you do
those terrible things here
in the seasonal inflatable
lawn decoration factory?
I will tell you...
if you let my BFF
Slenderman finger your funhole.
Jesus Christ, Bitch Pudding!
Do you know how much
this camera crew costs?
- [Roars]
- [Screams]
Da-da-da-daaa!
Are you the ghost or did a
dinosaur shit out Prince Philip?
Not topical anymore? Okay.
Oh, noooooo!
[In slow motion]
My camera!
[Screaming in slow motion]
[In slow motion]
Ghost Bitchventures!
[Rock and roll music plays]
Aah!
[Screams]
[Laughing evilly]
Oh, wow!
Oh, shit!
Blam!
Whoo!
[Normal voice]
Consider this myth... busted.
[Normal voice] Wrong show.
The state of our oceans
is in crisis.
Human-caused pollution
and global warming
has made the world's oceans
unlivable for many species.
Forced migration was inevitable.
Invasive species are never
welcomed by native wildlife.
[Clears throat] You know
how fast you were going?
Had anything to drink tonight?
[Engine revs, tires screech]
He's running! He's running!
Is this the future anyone wants?
This is Shark Week.
Let's keep our oceans beautiful
and keep sea life
where it belongs --
in the sea.
Ugh. [Groaning]
Wh-- Wh-- Where am I,
and why am I... naked?!
Greetings, Bat-fool!
Let's see how you like being
Naked and Afraid!
Naked? Yes, undeniable --
there's my Bat-dick.
Afraid? Never.
No, that's the name of the show.
You must survive
"Naked and Afraid",
or I'll blow up
the Naked and Afraid Experience
at Warner Bros Movie World!
No!
It's Australia's hidden gem!
Then I suppose
you'll be playing my game!
What, like this is supposed
to be hard? I'm Batman.
In the morning I'll build
a boat, sail to Gotham City,
and punch Riddler
right in the balls.
Meow, room on that boat
for one more? Meow.
- [Gasps] Catwoman!
- [Gasps]
Meow. Looks like we've got
an Adam and Eve situation
happening here, Batman.
Meow!
Yeah, only if Eve belonged
in Arkham Asylum
and Adam could bench press
550 pounds --
- 560, whatever.
- Oh, fucking meow!
We're trapped on a
deserted island with no clothes,
and you still won't look at me
from the neck down. Meow!
Oh, no, just --
I'm just thinking about
my mother's bullet-riddled
corpse.
- Meow.
- Ugh, I'm an open book.
We should hit civilization
with about 3 to 4 weeks
of strong paddling, Robin.
Guess this is our view
for the next month, huh?
Meow, Batman!
Volleyball Robin!
Riddler was watching us from
his tree fort the whole time.
Want to help me tie him
to a fire ant hill?
I can whip him with a palm.
[Sarcastically] No, don't!
You can come inside my batcave.
We're going home!
You can make your own boat,
Selina!
Meow, oh, you'll be back!
After all, palm tree sap
dissolves in saltwater, stupid.
- [Wood creaks, breaks]
- Oh! What the fuck!
Mayday! Gentlemen,
it has been an honor!
Robin? Wait, no, Robin!
Where are you go--?
Robin!
As longtime viewers know,
I'm very unlucky in love.
But I've met someone
very special online.
So today, I'm traveling
to her hometown to propose.
[Seagull cries]
[People screaming]
- It's a beast!
- Giant coming!
Hey! Stop that!
Ow! Ow! Oops!
Whoa!
[Thuds]
[Groans]
Big Ed!
Wow. You really are big.
Mary, you look normal size
in our nude Facetimes.
I knew I should have
asked for a banana for scale.
I am the King of Lilliput!
Any man who wants to marry my
daughter must prove his worth.
[Seagull cries]
Ah, fuck!
The pooping dragon!
Run for cover!
[People screaming]
He probably smells
all the mayo I put in my hair.
Get outta here!
Big Ed, you have saved
our kingdom
from the hot white liquid death.
You may have my daughter's hand.
This is the best news!
[Excitedly] Da, da, da, da.
Whoa!
Mary? You good?
Hi there, Mr. Nerd.
I'm Dr. Toesenhoofer.
What brings you here?
You're the cheapest doctor
on my mom's insurance plan --
[Whispers] thanks, Obama --
[Normal voice] but I figured
feet are just muscle,
bones, and skin.
How's that any different
from the rest of my body?
You probably just focus on feet
to feel special, right?
I've got one who can see.
Wait!
I really do need your help.
Gross! [Gagging]
So-- Sorry.
That was unprofessional.
[Clears throat] Ooh.
Let's cut open this foot --
er, thing --
and -- and take a look inside.
Shouldn't we do
some tests first?
All my tests are for feet.
Okay, just a small incision.
Oh, my God!
What the heck is that?
It's a teratoma,
a benign tumor --
sometimes containing the cells
of a twin.
Ooh.
This one has excellent feet.
So I have a brother?
Wazzup!
Wow, he's so cool.
He'll need a cool name.
How about James Dean or Keanu?
Wolverine? [Gasps]
Jamesdean Keanu-Wolverine!
Oh. That's cute.
Anyway, this disgusting growth
should die off naturally
in about 90 days.
What? No! We just met.
I have so much to show him
about the world.
Settlers of Catan.
The McRib.
- Sex tourism.
- Oh, man.
You'll never fall in love
and get married.
It was always a dream to be an
usher at my brother's wedding.
A wedding in 90 days?
I might know some people. Wink.
[Romanian accent]
My name Jordashe,
22-year-old Romanian villager.
Dream to find love
with American husband
and live new life in U.S.A.
with the ham-borg-er
and the riding lawnmower.
I have been e-mailing
with cute boy named James Dean.
Jordashe! It's us!
You not James Dean.
Meet your new love of your life!
Buenos dias, baby.
You did not tell me
you were attached
to ugly human nerd.
Not cool, bro.
True, I didn't, but daddy
brought you a Squishmallow.
Okay.
You have a lovely home,
Mrs. Chow-cheff-skew.
Thanks your, Green Card.
It's a house where I born.
It's house where I die.
[Slurping]
So is this, like, your erection
or mine?
I gotta confess something,
sweet tits.
I'm gonna die in 90 days.
This Romania.
I hope I die in 90 days.
- Okay.
- [Both moaning]
Wow. I love the village life.
Ooh, and look at those Slavic
hotties giving us the eyeball.
[Sultry Romanian accent]
Oooh, hello, Greenie!
Well, too bad you're spoken for.
You wanna be my wingman?
Buckethead! "Romanian Bar" --
That sound like accent.
I'm so excited for this wedding.
Should we have invited
our parents?
That seems like an oversight.
[Slurping]
Are we still at the bar?
I feel a lot of tongues.
Are we at a petting zoo?
Shut up!
Just keep that bucket on.
Do you, Meal ticket,
take this woman
to be your legally wedded
USA wife?
- I do, babe.
- And do you,
Jordache Alucard
Chow-cheff-skew,
take this man --
-Oooh, hello, baby.
Hey, it's the three ladies
who took us to the petting zoo
- last night!
- Petting zoo?
I am familiar
with American euphemisms.
Cheating dog! Stab stab!
[Screams]
Jamesdean Keanu-Wolverine! No!
[Coughing]
Better to burn out
than fade away.
Keep on ro--
That... That was so cool.
Say, don't people usually poop
their pants when they die?
[Spluttering, farting]
Oh, there it is.
This week on
"This Came Out of Me".
This came out of me.
That's a baby, ma'am.
- [Baby whimpers]
- Should I put it back in?
Hey, everybody.
Guy Fieri --
not Fury,
not Fi-ally, not Gus Ferrari.
We're rolling out
to find the greatest diners,
drive-ins, and dives.
Today, we're checking out
Gargamel's Hate House
off exit 13
of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Okay, first impressions?
Absolutely zero customers.
I'm met the owner to get
the lowdown on the showdown.
There's no foot traffic
in the middle of a forest.
Plus, everyone in the village
says I'm an evil wizard. Blegh.
- [Meows]
- Oh, right.
The unpaid parking tickets.
I kind of turned the mayor
into a frog about it.
Um, does that cat
understand English?
- Barely.
- But things change quite a bit
when I tried
the house specialty,
Chef Gargamel's famous
Smurf Pie.
The crust is super flaky.
The vanilla, the pine nuts.
And wow, there's, like,
this little savory pork
that melts in your mouth
right at the end.
- What is that?
- [Shouts]
- That's the Smurf.
- What is a Smurf?
Oh, it's just local
woodland creature
indigenous to these parts,
which I sometimes hunt
for food and sport.
Help us, help us, help us!
Alright, Chef,
you gotta walk me through it.
Is it line caught or net caught?
What is the yield?
Is it boiled or baked?
Is it brined or marinated?
- The flavor is rocking the house.
- Thank you, Guy Fieri.
[Sniffs] You truly live up
to the legends.
Say, Guy, would you like to --
Would you care to go
on a grocery run with me?
Yes.
Run!
[Tires screeching]
[Smurfs screaming]
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hark! I am Crab Woman!
I am in trouble.
You see, I accidentally
opened my briefcase
full of crabs,
which are my babies,
and they all scurried away.
I fear they've been caught
and eaten.
I am Crab Woman!
We'll help you
get all of your crabs.
[Stammers]
For you, of course.
Oh, thank you!
Now let's sail around
aimlessly searching for them.
Search aimlessly?
No way. I'm out.
- [Water splashes]
- Sorry.
Jake's just being "crabby".
I like that about him.
[Laughs]
Whoopsie!
- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Oh! The crabs got all over you.
I will crab-solutely
brush them off.
Clamp! I know it was you
who's been killing
my crab babies.
Now you're going to pay!
Ah! Crab BJ!
- Surprise!
- [Cackles]
I guess you could say
I was your deadliest catch.
[Laughs]
And so the legend
of Crab Woman is born.
I am Crab Woman!
What do you want me to do?
Say your name
and what your addiction is.
- [Shouts] What?
- [Loudly] Say your name
and what your addiction is.
[Loudly] Okay.
My name is Larry,
and I'm addicted to... foghorns!
[Foghorn blares]
Foghorns!
[Blaring continues]
Fo--
Heads up, gang.
That greedy hotel owner
says the ghost looks like
a guy in a gorilla suit
- with a frying pan on his head.
- [Both grunt]
Jinkies!
The Ghost Adventures crew.
Does that, like, mean there's,
like, a real ghost?
- [Teeth chattering]
- Don't worry, buddy,
you just need to let them know
that we come in peace.
[Shouts] Oh spirits,
be not afraid!
I'm sure it can all be
explained with science.
Oh, it's a ghost.
And we'll prove it.
Nerds!
[Zak-ometer beeping]
Oh, check out th-- Nah-uh.
[Grunting]
[Beeping continues]
- [Alarm blaring]
- Uh-oh! Everybody out!
Well, gang, we cracked it.
A carbon monoxide leak
was making people believe
- this old place was haunted.
- If it was a gas leak,
why is the Zak-ometer
going crazy?
Like, maybe it's smelling
your Taco Bell farts
like the rest of us.
I think something dark
is inside that place,
and I won't leave
until I find out what it is.
Come on, Scoob, like,
what's the holdup?
I'll tell you what
the holdup is.
Scoob is a Ghost Adventurer now!
Reah! RI'm ra
Rost Radventurer row.
- Huh?
- No, Scooby.
That son of a bitch.
Like, man, that place is
still full of carbon monoxide.
[Romantic instrumental music
plays]
- Oui.
- Oui.
[People shouting]
Oh, no!
[Music continues]
Help us!
- Oui.
- Oui.
Baguette.
[Groans]
[People shouting]
[Botched French]
Ceci est de l'art.
Oui.
[Smooches]
- Oui.
- [Water splashes]
- Oui.
- [Water splashes]
I sense you're trying
to contact a departed loved one.
- Yes.
- I'm getting the letter T.
Wow, you are good.
He was a tumor. See?
Oh, my gawd,
you brought the body with you.
I've never done of reading
this fresh before.
[Gasps] Oh, I'm getting...
I'm... uh...
I'm, ugh, getting the... ugh...
Oh. He's getting worked up
about something, honey.
I gotta break contact,
otherwise he might --
[Stammering]
Uh, Mrs. Medium?
[Jamesdean's voice]
Wazzup!
- Jamesdean? Is that you?
- You jabroni!
You got me stabbed
at my own wedding!
I'm gonna kill you!
Ahhh!
Hi, I'm Zak Bagans.
Rand RI'm Rooby Raggins.
Ruh-ro! Ret's ret routta rere!
[Screams]
Oh, that does it!
No more reality shows!
You'll never see me again!
My brother thinks he's safe,
but I'll sip his steaming blood
from his hollowed-out skull.
Next time on
Staten Island Medium.
Moonshiners,
I come from the Moon Kingdom.
You are destined
to protect this realm from evil.
- Now hurry. Put these on.
- Well, shoot.
I ain't one
to question a talking raccoon.
Moonshine-rific!
Whoo! Does this tickle
your pickle, too?
Whoa!
Well, damn, we look great.
Whelp, time to save the world.
Yes!
Eat from my never-ending pies.
All your energy shall be mine!
[Laughs evilly]
We come to thwart your
evil doing, scary sexy lady!
Why can't I steal your energy?
It's like there's a force
protecting it.
Moonshine's a depressant.
Our senses have been dulled
for years.
[Both] In the name of the
moonshine, we'll punish you!
I don't have a catchphrase!
- [All slurping]
- Curse you, Sailor Moonshiners!
- Up top!
- Slap this thing!
Oh, no, I think I ripped
my space overalls.
Hey, kid, what'll it be?
Give me a strawberry moonshine.
Large.
Welcome to Alaska, stranger.
What reality show are you on?
Reality show?
Everyone in this town,
heck, most everyone in Alaska
has a docu-series
on the Discovery Channel.
We got Shawn Pomeranke
from "Bering Sea Gold",
Todd Hoffman
from "Hoffman Family Gold",
Marty Raney
from "Homestead Rescue" --
not sure if there's gold
in that one --
Jonathan Hillstrand
from "Deadliest Catch",
- "The Alaska Killer Bigfoot",
I could go on... - Hey, now!
I'm just here
to get off the grid,
build my own shelter, hunt my
own food, and face the elements.
- Oh, they're gonna love you.
- Excuse me, sir.
Are you 600 pounds or more?
Do you build your own shelter
in a remote area?
No, no, no, thank you.
No! No! No! No more reality TV!
Oh, thank God,
I think I lost them.
Hah, you know,
the great thing about Alaska
is making a snowman.
[Screams]
Welcome back
to Staten Island Medium.
In this episode,
I predict your death.
You forgot one thing, Evil Twin.
The power of callbacks!
Are you ready
for your Benediction?
[Jamesdean and Medium] Whoa! Be still
my wiener. Whoa! Be still my vagina.
[Both] Is that naked
Benedict Cumberbatch?
Let's get cumbersome.
- Fire it up!
- Hello!
- Yee-haw!
- If anyone asks, I'm 5'5".
Well done, my brother.
But you forgot something
as well.
- Oh, yeah? What?
- It's Shark Week!
[Laughs evilly]
- Oh, my God!
- [Shark roaring]
I hate sharks! I mean,
not as much as I hate eggs,
but I hate -- Ow!
Good job, Tickle.
- Outsmarted by a god dang shark!
- [Screaming]
Oh, everybody died.
Wow, thanks, guys.
See you in hell, baby.
[Laughs evilly]
Noooo! I don't wanna die!
[Gasping, panting] Huh?
I'm back at the foot doctor?
I've never seen anyone faint
from the topical anesthetic
before.
Oh, I just had
the weirdest dream.
You were there, and...
Well, anyway, it was
a real quest of self-discovery.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, where's my brother?
Brother? [Laughs]
You have what we call
an ingrown hair.
And pull!
Oh, my God. Ohhhhhh!
- [Chuckles]
- Oh, my God.
- Oooh! It's long one.
- Oh, my God, stop it!
- Oooh!
- What is happening?!
Keeps on coming.
- Ah, oh, my God.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh.
Annnnd... pop!
Ah, that... that was so gross.
You wanna see
something really gross?
- Uh, no.
- Ah!
[Screams]
- [Monkey grunting]
- Stoopid Monkey.
[Screaming]