Robot Chicken: Star Wars (2007) Movie Script

What in the is --
So I threw the senate at him.
The whole senate!
True story!
My God, that is so funny.
You made it come
out of my nose.
Go for papa palpatine.
You have a collect call from...
Darth vader.
I got to take this.
Hold on.
Vader, how's my favorite sith?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Whoa.
Just slow down.
What do you mean,
they blew up the death star?
Who's "they"?
What the hell
is an aluminum falcon?
Okay, okay, so who's left?
Are you me?
Well, where are you?
Wait a sec,
you been flying around
for two weeks trying
to get a signal?
You must smell like feet wrapped
in leathery, burnt bacon.
I-I'm sorry.
I thought my dark lord of the
sith could protect
a small thermal-exhaust port
that's only two meters wide.
That thing wasn't even fully
paid off yet.
Do you have any idea what this
is gonna do to my credit?
Hang on, I got another call.
I'm very busy right now!
Well, where are they going?
All right.
Um, just get me a Turkey club.
Cole slaw, I guess.
I'm not even gonna eat it.
What are you getting?
No, see, I always order
the wrong thing.
No, no, no,
I'll just stick with that.
Okay, bye.
Cherry coke.
Sorry about that.
"just rebuild it"?
Real original.
And who's gonna give me a loan,
You got an atm on that torso
"Now get your 7'2" asthmatic
ass back here,
or I'm gonna tell everyone what
a whiny bitch
you were about padamami or
panda bear
or whatever the hell
her name is.
Jeez, he's crying.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, come on, don't do that.
Just -- just -- look,
I'm just dealing with a lot of
crap right now.
Death star blown up by a bunch
of teenagers, you know?
I didn't mean to snap.
O-okay, just get back here.
Okay, bye.
Y-- I --
I love you, too.
What'll it be, pal?
Jee-- my God.
I got to get that
transfer to coruscant.
I guess we'll have to eat
this boring oatmeal.
It's a trap!
Wow! Admiral ackbar!
Wow! Admiral ackbar cereal!
Colorful marshmallows!
Imitation crab meat!
Your tongues can't repel flavor
of that magnitude.
There's a prize in every box.
Admiral ackbar cereal,
now with brine shrimp.
Whazuuuuup, ponda!
Let's bust out early
and hit that new cantina
across the street.
Come on!
One drink ain't gonna kill you.
Like I'm really gonna eat a
bunch of bananas after that?!
He doesn't like you.
I'm sorry.
I don't like you, either.
You better watch yourself.
We're wanted men.
I have the death sentence on
12 systems.
I'll be careful.
You'll be dead!
Gee, ponda,
I just don't see how
you can keep designing with
no drawing arm.
I'm sorry,
but we have to let you go.
-- dear.
My keys.
It's almost open.
Hold on to this.
Whoa, coming through!
The wall's on fire!
What was that?
It was a lightsaber!
This is my first day!
What the --
Little help?
Welcome to orientation day
here on the jolly,
old death star.
There are a few things
we want to go over
with you concerning
lord vader.
First and foremost, he thinks he
has the power to strangle us.
Truth is, he doesn't.
If he ever realized this,
he would kill us
with his lightsaber.
Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all
pretend to get strangled.
Okay, let's try a practice.
Commander Winston here will
assist me.
I'm going to hold out my hand
like lord vader,
and he will pretend to be
Gasping for air.
Grabs throat, yes.
Eyes back, and he's down.
Good show, commander.
Now two of the floor chiefs will
retrieve the corpse,
redress him, add a mustache,
and he's back to work
as lieutenant Leopold.
Vader has the satisfaction of
killing someone,
and we stay amongst the living.
Why, private Perkins over there
has been strangled over 30
haven't you, Perkins?
Good man.
This is awesome!
R2, patch me through.
I want to call
Uncle Owen and aunt --
You're George Lucas!
I take it you're here for
the "star wars" convention?
I sure am.
Want to see my costume?
I'm a tauntaun.
But I don't have to tell you.
You invented tauntauns.
Well, that's very
Listen to my tauntaun call!
Nicely done.
Dear God.
My God!
George Lucas!
I love you!
Give me a baby!
Quickly, sir!
Onto my back!
I am your steed.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Dear God.
Well, um...
And I thought they smelled bad
on the outside.
Just like in the movie!
Thank you!
Thank you!
And that was the greatest day
of my whole life.
What about when I was born?
Not even close.
But with the blast shield down,
I can't even see.
How am I supposed to fight?
Damn it!
What is it?
I never get a spaceship.
I never get anything.
Should we order
some Chinese food?
I don't know, I guess.
We'll get some Chinese.
Hello, could we get, um...
What do you think, 5 million
tons of kung pao chicken?
That's good.
Yeah, 3 million pot stickers
and one order of
scallion pancakes.
Get some fried rice.
5 million tons of fried rice.
Cash or charge?
It's -- hold on.
We're just gonna gobble him up
when he gets here, right?
Yeah, of course.
Cash, then.
That mother--
I got to get that transfer to
the death star.
Mr. president, your vitals
all check out fine.
There is just one thing.
Your midi-chlorian count is
extraordinarily high.
Does that mean
that I'm one of them,
whatcha call 'em, jedis?
Not tonight.
I'm tired, honey.
You're not tired.
You want to have a threesome.
I'm not tired.
I want to have a threesome.
Get me condi.
Sorry, "w."
Big Mac attack.
Hey, hey, whoa!
What the dilly?
Saber beats rock.
What in the hell?
Who dares
disturb my slumber?
Who dares
question my... Daring
of his dare?
It is I, I who
freed the slaves,
I who united --
Let's fight!
If you
strike me down,
I shall become -- wait,
let me finish!
That'll teach you,
George Washington!
Jenna, get over here right now!
I am your father!
That's not true.
That's impossible.
My real father would let me go
clubbing as late as I want!
You little --
No, baby, I'm sorry.
You suck!
What --
Was it just a dream?
Mr, president, we still
haven't found any weapons
of mass destruction.
You have found
weapons of mass destruction.
We haven't.
You have.
I don't know what
you're doing.
Bring me a taco.
Yes, sir.
Tacos rule.
Cloud city will be cloudy
this evening,
followed by clouds.
Get your own tauntaun!
Your overconfidence
is your weakness.
Your faith in your
friends is yours.
Faith in yo mama.
What was that?
I said, yo mama's so
fat, jabba the hutt said,
Well, your
mother's so ugly,
she put the "ug" in ugnaught.
Yo mama fight!
Yo mama's so stupid,
she spent all day saying,
"am not," to r2.
Your mother is so
fat that Ben Kenobi said,
"that's no moon."
"That's your mama!"
Yo mama's so dumb,
she thought jar jar comes
with pickles pickles!
Your mother is so stupid,
she -- she thinks a
lightsaber has fewer calories.
I don't get it.
It's light.
Like it's light.
Like, light means that there's
not a lot of calories
and it's good... For your body.
That's how stupid
your mother is.
Yo mama is so stupid,
she went to Bangkok
to get a tie fighter.
And Luke wins!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
Put me down!
Come on.
What are they doing up
there all the time?
What's happened up there?
We had a slight
weapons malfunction,
but everything's perfectly
all right now.
We're all fine here now.
Thank you. How are you?
We're sending a squad up.
We had a reactor leak here now.
Give us a minute.
Large leak, very dangerous.
There's no reactor
on that floor.
Yes, well... I talked
to Dave Johnson
in stormtrooper engineering,
and he said there
is a reactor here.
Dave Johnson?
Hang on one second.
Okay, I have Dave Johnson
on the line.
Dave, did you tell someone
there's a reactor in
prisoner control room?
No, there's no
reactor there.
I don't know what to tell you,
but I'm staring straight
at a reactor.
Maybe vader had it
installed yesterday.
Hang on a second.
What do you want?
Lord vader, did you install
a reactor in the prisoner
control room?
Um... Not that I know of.
Hang on one second.
Sheila, can you get me the plans
to the death star?
Okeydokey, the plans here --
Let me have a look.
Reactor, reactor, reactor.
No reactor that I can see, but
might as well put one in.
There's always room
for another reactor.
We'll send a team up to build
the new reactor.
No, not necessary.
We've got it under control.
Boring conversation anyway.
Okay, let's build this reactor.
Inform the emperor
that the jedi temple
has been sealed.
Yes, my lord.
Ani! Little ani!
Jar jar, I am no
longer Anakin Skywalker.
These are some nice duds.
Look, jar jar, it is
very important...
That you never speak
to me again.
What'sa happen to you?
Yousa burn your face --
What'sa happen to you?
Jar jar, homey, my
main man, quickly,
before the separatists attack,
get into the escape pod.
Hey, if this is
escape, then where the pod?
Yousa forgot the pod!
Ani, look!
Yousa not gonna believe it!
Meesa all sparkly glowy.
Now weesa gonna have all the
time to spend together.
I love you, ani!
Ani, yeah!
And toshi station is proud to
present the power converters!
Hey, Mr. solo.
Solo on the rocks.
You can't beat me,
I'm boba fett!
I'm the greatest
bounty hunter ever.
What's that, solo?
Blasters aren't fair?
Okay, dig it -- no blasters.
Didn't see that one coming,
did you?
So slow.
You thought I was over there,
but guess what.
Over here.
A little rope-a-dope?
Down goes solo.
What's that?
You want a face-to-face?
Let me just take
this bad boy off.
He's even better looking
without the helmet.
Surprise ending.
You want me to come closer?
You don't want
to fight anymore?
Your hands are up there
almost like you're begging --
Begging for a little
piece of boba.
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
You like it 'cause you're bad.
You dirty little smuggler.
Turn to the dark side
and join me.
I'll never join you!
You killed my father!
No, Luke,
I am your father.
That's not true.
That's impossible!
And princess Leia
is your sister.
That's not true!
That's... Improbable.
And the empire will be
defeated by ewoks.
Very unlikely.
And as a child,
I built c-3po.
And the force?
Well, that's just microscopic
bacteria in your bloodstream
called midi-chlorians.
Look, if you're not
gonna take this seriously,
I'm out.
As you can see,
my young apprentice,
your friends have --
Your friends have failed.
Now --
Now witness the firepower of --
Fully armed and operational --
Come on!
Hey, fellas!
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey, the force is strong
with this one?
What do you got there, a latte?
You ever have
the hazelnut macchiato?
Change your life.
Anywho... Tony, right?
Ray, sorry.
I get mixed up.
Who's Tony?
Anyway, I hate to interrupt.
I know you're very busy.
Is there any way you could
finish this area, you know,
I'm kind of in
the middle of something.
Look, Mr. saltine,
I don't tell you how to...
Threaten your blond kid,
so why don't you
go back over there to your
and let me do my job?
Okay, copy that.
Good talk.
They'll just be a little longer.
I'd tell them to stop, but,
you know...
No speak-o minimum wage-o.
So, where was I?
Right, right.
Now witness the firepower...

jabba the hutt's hottest
singer was blown to smithereens,
but his rock 'n' roll
will never die.
Presenting Max rebo's
greatest hits,
including "why do I look like an
"Ooh, I have an average
And his grammy award-winning
"I already told you I'm not an
And his famous duet with
nsync's Joey fatone.
Neither of us is
an elephant
Max rebo's greatest hits,
the guy who looks like
a blue elephant.
Order now.
Ya ya ya!
Okay, everybody.
Welcome back to the show.
We have a surprise guest
I really wasn't expecting this.
Emperor palpatine is here.
Fear me!
So, tell me,
your highness,
how do you plan on putting down
this rebellion?
By shooting it
with lightning!
That's how I solve all my
And then afterwards,
I shall eat pudding.
But seriously,
the rebels have already caused
major disruptions.
I'll show you a
major disruption...
A major disruption in
my adult undergarments.
Can we get out of here?
Seriously, Francis, it's time
for my soap operas.
It's zuckuss.
Peace out,
Fear me!
Okay, that was fun.
Let's bring out our next guest,
the lord of the sith,
darth vader!
Hey, easy.
You could hurt somebody
with that.
Easy, boy. Easy, boy.
Okay, well,
that's our show tonight.
Stay tuned for
"late-night talk" with Sinbad.
That was so wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to empire on ice!
The empire is chasing us
they simply will not cease
man, my nuts
are freezing, kid
I'm up out this bitch
I'm the wampa
I'm the snowman
and I don't take
any lip from no man
but --
I know you want me
bad, princess
you know you're
such a flirter
shut up,
you scruffy nerf-herder
Luke, he hasn't
checked in yet
it might be that he is done
his chances of
surviving here
are 10,000,005-to-1
You're so dumb
the empire's been alerted,
and here they come
empire on ice
empire on ice
here we are
the empire on ice
all those rebels will pay a
big price
vader's not nice
and the tauntaun gets sliced
and Chewbacca has lice
the empire on ice
empire on ice
empire on I-i-ice
Ani, yeah!