Robots (2023) Movie Script
It gives me great pride
to complete the work of
securing our southern border.
When this project started,
over 11 million people
lived here illegally.
Well, we've not
only got rid of them,
but this beautiful wall
will ensure that they
can never return.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
We got 'em.
Credit should also go
to the Tesla Corporation,
who ten years ago
created the wonderful robots
who now do the tasks
the illegals once did,
but without robbing and raping
decent Americans in the process,
or complaining when
they're disposed of.
( cheering )
( music playing )
Yes! USA!
Oh, the boll weevil
am the little brown bug
- USA!
- Come from Mexico
They say, uh-huh
Come all the way to Texas
Looking for a place to stay
Just looking for a home
Just looking for a home
Now, the first time I
seen the boll weevil
He's a-sitting on the square
Next time I see
the boll weevil
He's got all
his family there
Just looking for a home
Happy skating.
Oh! Ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Bugger!
- Are you okay?
- ( pants, grunts )
- Here, let me help you.
- Thank you.
Oh. Oof.
My God, you're beautiful.
So sorry. That's
so inappropriate.
I might be a little dazed.
I'm Charles, by the way.
- It's okay. I'm Emily.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Let's get you off the ice.
Yes. Oh! Thank you.
- May I?
- Oh.
Thank you.
Trash can...
( whirring, sputtering )
Trash can...
Nice day. Day nice.
- ( continues sputtering )
- ( whistles )
- Good morning, Jane.
- Good morning, Charles.
Looking radiant as ever.
- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.
Hi, Dad. Scottsdale's
looking good.
I managed to get around
the atrium acoustics issue
which was holding
us up for the permit.
- Great job, son.
- And I got these for mum.
Aw, well, why don't you
give them to her yourself?
She's making
lasagna this evening.
I'd love to, but it's date
number four with Emily,
and I think she
might be the one.
That's great.
You know, at the risk
of sounding patronizing,
the change in you this past
year has been incredible.
Thanks, Dad. I really managed
to pull myself out of a dark period.
You still think about her?
- Francesca?
- Mm.
- God, no.
- Well, that's the spirit.
- And to think...
- Hey, Pop, I need you.
'Sup, half-bro. Pop?
Yeah, Charles
has a new girlfriend.
- It's pretty serious.
- Wow.
I look forward to
meeting her brains out.
- Pop, come on.
- See you later, Charles.
Nice.
I don't want this
evening to end.
Come back to my place.
I'd like nothing more,
but I really want our
first time to be special.
- Tonight.
- Tomorrow.
I promise.
( video game gunfire )
I saw Emily after work.
She wanted me to
go back to her place.
I got you a Lotaburger
on the way home.
Would you like me to
remove the vegetables
- and transfer it to a plate?
- Fuck's sake!
- ( "Reveille" playing )
- Ugh.
Thanks to you, that's now 50,001
Americans killed in North Korea.
Put yourself on
deprogram now, C2.
Yes, Charles.
- May I?
- Oh.
C2, what is the point of me
committing random
acts of kindness
if they're not put on social
media for the whole world to see?
Well, Charles, altruism is an
integral virtue of any society.
Altruism doesn't get you
laid if nobody knows about it.
Right, let's see what
else you 9/11-ed today.
I don't want this
evening to end.
- Nice.
- Come back to my place.
How many dates
to reel this one in?
Just four, Charles.
Those ice skating
chicks are the best.
Yes, Emily is fascinating.
She majored in Econ at Tufts
and is a connoisseur
of classic cinema,
in particular, the
oeuvre of Adam Sandler.
That's not what I meant.
I had you built
specifically to spare me
from the tedium of dating.
I'm interested in
women for one thing
and one thing only.
Reporter: Thomas Newton, a
systems analyst for Raytheon,
was today sentenced
to 28 years in prison
after authorities discovered
he had an illegal
robot double of himself.
Strictly prohibited
for civilian ownership,
it is long been rumored
that advanced android clones
are available on
the black market.
Suspicions were first aroused
when 58-year-old Newton,
a keen amateur runner,
broke the world marathon
record in Ohio last June...
- You hear that, dummy?
- Yes, Charles.
We'll need to be more careful.
No leaving the house
at the same time, understood?
Yes, Charles.
Now shut your
mouth. I need to pee.
Yes, Charles.
Good evening, Miss Denholm.
Would you like to have the
most incredible sex with me?
Ha! Indeed I would, kind sir.
The most incredible sex ever!
Your wish is my command.
( grunting )
( groans )
Oh.
That was amazing.
Nothing beats good sex, right?
Totally.
( clears throat )
Well, I should be leaving.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?
Well, when can I see you again?
Let me see.
How are you for October 17th?
That's a month from now.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do November.
Bye.
Directions to ice rink.
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Stupid fucking idiot.
Charles.
Sorry, I wasn't looking
where I was going.
- Are you okay? Are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.
- Thanks. Bye.
- Oh!
- ( grunts )
- Ooh.
Here. It's my fault.
Let me help you up.
Thank you. I'm
Charles, by the way.
Yes, you said. Charles,
the stupid fucking idiot.
I'm Elaine, the
bigger fucking idiot.
Well, we took quite a tumble.
We should get off
the ice, regroup.
- Yeah. Coffee?
- Yeah.
Shall we?
- C2?
- Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions, I
de-fuzzed the peaches
and arranged
your low-rise briefs
- by cotton thread count.
- Thanks.
I've just been ice skating
and had the best time ever.
Ice skating again?
Isn't that a girls' thing?
Which is why it's
also a Charles thing.
200 penguins to
just one polar bear,
who bumped into the
most incredible girl,
and for once she
asked for my number.
Well, I'm glad you've
met a nice young lady.
Speaking of which, number
five, Abby from Desert View texted
saying she'd like you
to meet her parents.
That's nice.
Dump her. Nicely.
By text.
This new girl
is different level.
I need you completely focused
on getting her horizontal for me.
It's a good day, C2.
Indeed it is, Charles.
Hold my taco.
May I?
( trumpeting )
( bell rings )
I see scenes from
broken dreams
There's nobody at the wheel
You pick me up
from the cold, wet floor
Your shadow looks so surreal
Tell me your dreams,
tell me your dreams
- I wanna believe
- ( gasps )
- I just want more
- Ooh.
- You like it?
- I love it.
These days will
only come for you
Oh, Charles.
Build up the
way I feel for you
I feel the days
start forming
( gasps )
Straight lines
that curve out wide
I'll walk with
you, I follow slow
We'll follow birds that fly
To New Mexico
I've never felt this
way about a girl before.
I just don't want
the night to end.
I feel the same way.
I'd love for you to
come back to my place...
but I want our first
time to be really special,
so let's wait until tomorrow.
Yes. Tomorrow.
I want it to be special, too.
( muted clattering )
C2?
Man: FBI! Place your hands above
your head where I can see them.
We have reason to
believe you are concealing
an illegal robot
"fac-sea-mile" of yourself.
- Fuck off, Ashley.
- Ah, shit.
- How'd you know it was me?
- No creature brighter than a quadruped
pronounces the word "facsimile"
"fac-sea-mile," let
alone an FBI agent.
Just get inside or else the
real feds are gonna show.
Why the fuck are you here?
Oh, I was just in your sector.
You know, figured
I'd see if you need me
to pick any more
shit at Trader Joe's.
If I required your services,
I would get you on the app.
- You're bored.
- God, you need to get a real job.
Ain't nobody hiring for shit.
You know what the
guy at GNC told me?
"Unqualified."
Motherfucker, I
know good nutrition.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't C2-D2.
Bleep, bloop,
bloop, bloop, bloop.
- I am a robot. I am a robot.
- Hello, Ashley. How are you?
Oh, you know, every
day a step closer
to sucking dick for McNuggets.
I'm very sorry to hear
that. I can empathize.
Oh, really? You can empathize?
Let me tell you
something, you toaster.
I voted red to kick the illegals
who were stealing our
jobs out of the country.
And you know what? It
worked. They were all deported.
But then you fucking
robots immigrated here
and made it worse by doing
the same job for zero wages.
Well, actually robots
aren't immigrants.
"Well, robots aren't
actually immigrants."
I fought for this country, okay?
When I was the real Fat Ninja,
I single-handedly hunted
down King Dong Un, okay?
I pulled his little
ass out of a foxhole
and dumped his corpse
in the Korean ocean.
No, you didn't. You
were an Army chef.
And you know what
I came home to?
Nothing. No gratitude,
no respect, and no job.
All because of you,
you fuckless Roomba.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have crossed
a line, my friend.
C2, bless his little 12-volt
heart, is literally a slave.
If he wasn't emotionally
deprogrammed every night,
he'd soon willingly
self-deport himself to Mexico.
Robots have equal
rights to humans there.
They can live in freedom.
Do you read anything?
No, I don't fucking read.
I'm just fucking around.
You know I love you guys.
You guys are like my
brothers. Come on, bring it in.
Ah, look at us.
We're like triplets.
Ooh, lipstick!
Elaine, yes. How
did it go tonight?
- Elaine is ready.
- Nice work, C2.
She'd like to see you tomorrow
night. She wrote down her address.
Looks like Charlie's about to
pull the pin on a fuck grenade.
Ooh, yeah!
- ( grunting )
- Really?
Ashley, please remove your
groin from my rectal area.
This fucking pervert
just said "rectal."
That's enough, you
freak. Get out of here.
And take this. I'm
officially in a good mood.
I couldn't possibly. Thank
you so much, brother.
What a charming gentleman.
Elaine. Nice work.
( sighs )
I'm home!
You can start up again.
( whirring )
This Charles guy
really wants to bang me,
so you'll have to take
over tomorrow night, too.
Yes, Elaine. Anything new
I should know about him?
Not really. Except he
is up for a promotion,
so tomorrow should be
worth at least a Rolex.
And he's so perfect
it's almost boring.
Let me see your nails.
Yeah, get those filled
and wear my La Perla.
Any messages
from the other guys?
Number eight, Richard called.
He said he can't stretch
to getting you a
Birkin bag this month,
but would love to
have dinner on Friday.
Elaine: Richard.
Four months, $6,200.
That's only 200
bucks a bang with you.
Dump him. Kindly.
- By text.
- Yes, Elaine.
Oh, and David Laing
sold another house.
So when you've finished
ironing my underwear,
I'll need you to go
out and bang him too.
- Yes, Elaine.
- Great. Thank you!
- What time do I have to be here tomorrow?
- 6:30.
6:30?
But you'd never get back in
time from work for us to swap.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I just thought that...
No, you didn't think.
You got lazy, as usual.
Meaning that I'm gonna
have to work a full eight hours.
( rock music playing )
I'm a heartbreaking machine
- ( honks horn )
- Oh, sorry.
- One minute, please.
- ( revs engine )
Just one... one more
second. Almost done.
Fuck this.
- Hey! What the hell?
- ( baby crying )
Are you okay? It's
okay. Shh, shh, shh.
Meter's expired. He
was parked illegally.
This is my child.
( grunts )
You have my deepest sympathy.
- ( elevator dings ) - Could you
hold the door for me, please?
Oh, uh...
Ugh.
- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.
How's my real estate
rock star doing today?
- Oh, hi.
- So the board is having
a little social get together.
Maybe it's time
you tagged along.
Perfect chance for
you to win over the guys
before your membership
goes to the vote.
- What do you say?
- Fuck yeah.
- Oh.
- I mean, yes, I'd love that.
- Thank you, Dad.
- That's great.
It's at David Schulman's,
6:30 this evening.
- Come straight from work.
- What? Oh.
Charles?
- Sorry, I'm just so excited.
- Well, as you should be.
The address is 2300
Hayden Rd, Vistana.
See you later, son.
Time, time, time, time
Time waits for nothing
Time, time, time, time
- Waits for nothing
- C2!
- ( shattering )
- Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions,
I've arranged your T-shirts
- from lightest to darkest.
- Forget about that.
- I need you for something else.
- Of course.
I thought you were going
straight to Elaine's from work.
Yeah, change of plan. I now need
to go to this stupid board meeting.
Well, I'm sorry that seeing
Elaine can no longer happen.
Well, actually it can happen,
because whilst I'm with Elaine,
you are gonna be
having a fun evening
brown-nosing a bunch
of geriatric Republicans.
But isn't it too risky for us
to be out at the same time?
Do you not recall the
conversation we had
while I was shaving
your perineum?
How about I reschedule Elaine?
No, how about you put on
the suit, you go to the function.
You deserve this
promotion far more than I do.
Here is the address. Uber there.
Now come on.
Let's go get changed.
Yes, Charles.
Come on. Good robot.
( knocking on door )
Hello.
Cameron. Charles Cameron.
Ah, yes. You are expected.
Holy shit. She kept this quiet.
In here, sir.
Oh, Jeeves, I'll let myself in.
- I want it to be a surprise.
- Yes, sir.
I'm here and I'm
ready, sugar tits.
I want you to lick Nutella
off every inch of my naked body
starting with my
silky smooth scrotum.
( zipper unzips )
Hello?
- ( gasps )
- Charles.
I'd like you to meet the board.
This is our CFO David Schulman.
Good evening, Mr. Schulman.
David. May I call you that?
It's probably better
than sugar tits.
I brought you some
flowers and strawberries.
And a pair of plums.
And Nutella I imagine.
Yes. It's Italian
import. The good stuff.
You know, I got a
question, Chucky.
Um, which one of us is
gonna be doing the licking?
I'd just rather it's not me
because I have a nut allergy.
Ha!
Yeah, this is my
half-brother, everyone,
master of first impressions.
I'm just gonna step
outside for a moment.
Very nice to meet
you, Mr. Sugar Tits.
Sugarman. Schulman.
David.
All friends here.
Thank you. Good-bye.
Ted Jr.: Great job, half-bro.
Nailed it!
Happy birthday, Jeeves.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
C2, where are you?
We got the addresses mixed up.
Go home immediately.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got three bangles.
Ooh, 24 karat.
- And a watch.
- A couple hundred.
Cufflinks.
- For a big shirt.
- All right.
Jesus Christ, where
did he learn that?
Until your arms
are all around me
10, 11, 12, 13, 14,
- 1,500 bucks?
- Sure.
And if you wanna sell me
any of those videos of you...
Oh, that wasn't me.
I mean, well, I guess it was me,
but they're not...
They're not for sale, sir.
- It's good money.
- Let me think about it.
I've never done this before.
Don't worry. I have.
Thousands of times.
Wonderful.
How am I doing?
The first two hours
were fantastic.
The last three, perfect.
Good, because I think I'm close.
- Me, too.
- You first.
- No, you first.
- No, I insist.
Together on the count of three.
Yeah.
Both: One, two, three!
- ( cat yowling )
- ( dog barking )
( music playing )
( alarm beeping )
( beeping continues )
( groaning ) Oh, God.
C2, bring me six Excedrin
and a wellness shot.
C2, where are you?
E2, where are you?
Pick up your phone.
I need to know if he's
left so I can come inside.
Ugh, fucking lid.
Got you, fucker.
( both yelp )
- Elaine.
- Charles.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh, um...
- So last night was, um, fun.
- Yeah.
- I'm exhausted.
- You are... you're an amazing lover.
Thank you. Not
too shabby yourself.
You really know your
way around a, um, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are you on your own?
- Yeah, of course.
- Why wouldn't I be?
- Oh, no reason.
- Wow, are these all real?
- Oh, don't worry about...
- Oh, God. Sorry.
- Uh, yeah.
- Sorry, let me...
- No, no, no.
Honestly, I can take
care of all of this. Just...
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
There's a fuck of a lot of them.
( Elaine laughs )
Can I ask you something?
How was I when
you left last night?
- Great.
- We kissed, and then
I went to the, um...
Ugh, I told you.
God, I'm drawing such a blank.
You know, I actually just
got back this morning too.
I was at that place that I was
telling you about last night.
- Oh, um...
- Remember? The... the...
- No. Uh, sorry.
- ( phones vibrating )
- Do you mind if I get this?
- No, I have to get this too.
- Word.
- Yeah.
C2, you little fucker,
where are you?
- E2.
- I'm at Elaine's looking for you.
Oh, I'm very fond of Elaine.
I haven't seen her
for several days now.
Well, that's not true.
You very emphatically lost
your virginity to her last night.
Things are a little
more complicated.
You see, Elaine also
has a robot double... E2.
- What?
- You were dating a robot all along.
Charles just wanted
to have sex with you.
C2: Elaine never wanted
to have sex with you.
She just wanted money and gifts.
E2: You were using each
other. You see, Elaine...
When a womanizer meets
up with a gold digger...
things are unlikely to turn
out well for either of them.
But prospects are slightly
better for their robot doubles.
E2 and I are running
away together.
We just wanna get over
the border to freedom.
C2: Please don't try to stop us.
- Don't you dare.
- Good-bye, Elaine.
- No, E2. E2.
- Good-bye, Charles.
No, no. We can work this out.
Fucking traitor.
- Let's just talk about this.
- Devious piece of shit!
Me devious? Hey!
Fucking hell!
I spent, what, 15 grand on you
to potentially screw a sex doll?
- Yeah, well...
- Fuck you!
Thank God it wasn't me! I
don't even know wanna know
what STDs you're
hosting, you fuckboy!
- I prefer the term "fuckman."
- Get out of my house!
Wait! Look. Wait!
Stop it. We have
to be smart here.
Trust me, jail is even worse
than your shitty
smashed up house.
Ugh! Fine!
Fine. What are we gonna do?
As much as it
pains me to say it,
we're gonna have to work together
and track these fuckers down.
You know what?
Whoever made them,
they need to help us.
They are just as
guilty as we are.
- Yeah. Who made yours?
- No, who made yours?
- Why won't you say it first?
- Because I have a slight trust issue with you.
Well, maybe I have a slight
trust issue with you as well.
Fine. You know what? We'll
say it on the count of three.
Both: One, two...
Zach Newman, Tesla Robotics.
- That's not fair.
- Makes it easier.
- He made mine, too. Let's go.
- See?
Much easier to deal with
these issues as adults
rather than chucking
things at people's heads.
Don't do it!
Childish.
Jesus, what kind of an
asshole drives that piece of shit?
( horn honks )
All right, in two miles
take the 25 South.
And in 0.3 miles,
stop staring at my tits.
I was not.
I was admiring
my car's paintwork.
It's the only Lake Placid Blue
double cab Jeep pickup in America.
Oh, wow. Wonder why.
Same color as Keith Richards'
1982 Fender Telecaster.
- Tell me more.
- Oh, it was a guitar that he loved so much
- he never actually took it onstage...
- ( turns radio on )
Okay, you were being sarcastic.
- ( sighs )
- You know, if anything,
you're the one that
needs to back off a little.
Are you insane?
Look, Chuck,
let's be clear about
how we ended up here.
You used a robot for the sole
purpose of having sex with me.
I used one for the sole
purpose of that never happening.
Well, you're still deceiving
innocent people just as much as me.
No, you're wrong,
I deceive assholes,
men who are cheating on
someone else to be with me.
You, however, prey upon girls
who are under the impression
that they are in an exclusive
relationship with you.
Well, there is no such thing.
Humans, women in particular,
are incapable of them.
Well, we agree on one thing.
- Good.
- Good.
Oh, God.
I need to take a power nap.
Maybe you can talk to
me more about your cars.
Whenever the pasture
Starts looking green
He gets replaced
By the doggone machine
( doorbell rings )
Charles. Elaine.
Hey, what are you
guys doing here? Uh...
I remember.
You said to me, you
looked me in the eye
and you said to me,
"I only need them to help
care for my dying parents."
Mine did. He earned my
father a fortune in real estate
and brought my mother
flowers three times a week.
Okay, so, tell me, were
your parents dying?
Look around you,
Zach. We're all dying.
- Life is a terminal illness.
- Look, fuck...
Speaking of dying, can you
please put that thing down?
Yes. Sorry. Uh-huh.
So, you guys didn't happen to
tell anybody else about them?
- No.
- No.
Zach: Good. Good.
That's something.
Wait here.
Quick question, and
please don't be offended,
how on Earth did you afford
a two million Dogecoin robot?
Zach and I came to an
arrangement, all right?
What kind of arrangement?
- That's none of your business.
- To be honest,
I think I preferred
you with ice skates on.
Yeah, well, I preferred you
when you had glass eyes
and a brain
powered by Intel, so...
Okay, so, we're
not in the clear,
but I managed to locate them.
- Yes.
- Great.
Yeah, I used a GPS
tracking system that I put in.
But they're gonna figure this
out soon, so we gotta move fast.
Great, go find our robots,
get back to helping
our dying parents.
Oh, no, you can't
have them back.
- Both: What?
- You just said that we could.
No, I said I located them,
but we find them
and destroy them.
I beg your pardon.
I'm not just gonna
dismantle him on a whim.
Okay, maybe you
guys don't understand,
but they're not going
to be obedient anymore.
They're humanizing.
They're learning to
feel and empathize,
and far more dangerously,
to seek vengeance.
( blows raspberry )
Bullshit.
I know C2 better
than anybody else.
He's not capable
of any of that shit.
I'm going to go, and
I'm going to find...
Oh, shut the fuck up.
He knows what
he's talking about.
I am not going to die in jail
because of your
spoiled rotten ass.
Fine! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuckity-fuckity-fuck!
- Are you done?
- Fuck!
- Where are they?
- Oh, uh, Socorro.
I think it's gonna
be a bit of a handful,
so I'm gonna need
you two to go with me.
- Yeah, of course.
- Wait.
I need to pee, and throw
up, possibly kill myself.
- Where's your bathroom?
- Right over there.
- So how you doing? Okay.
- No, no. No.
No.
Hey, it's Charles.
Ashley: Oh! 'Sup, C-Dog?
How's it going?
Where the hell are you?
I'm in a bathroom.
Look, I need your
help. I'm desperate.
Do you need me to bring
over some more ass wipes?
No. It's C2.
Look, I can't really talk now.
I'll text you the details,
but just have Fat
Ninja ready to move.
Yes, sir.
A mission given is a
mission accomplished.
We tame the
flames. In Q we trust.
Ooh, lordy, trouble so hard
Oh, lordy, trouble so hard
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Do you have any
music other than Moby?
Mm, no.
Wait, you don't like Moby?
God, I love him. I just...
I find him deeply spiritual,
like a... like the white Gandhi.
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Went in the room,
didn't stay long
Looked on the bed
and brother was dead
That's the room up
there. Take these.
They have enough
power to knock them out
till we get them in the van.
Just stay close by me,
and whatever you
do, you gotta be careful
and only use these when you...
You're 12, you know that?
Pretty good shot
for a 12-year-old.
- It was five feet away.
- Guys, stop.
- ( squawks )
- See? Not that hard to do.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Both: Shh.
They're just up
there, you idiot.
Holy shit. They're screwing.
What?
They're gonna see you! Move!
Okay, looks like
they just started up.
That should give us
about a five-hour window.
Let's use that time
to make a plan.
I wanna... or we do that.
Your disgusting joyride is over.
- Hey, I get to shoot me.
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Well, fine, then I'm
shooting you. That's not fair.
Well, it seemed
perfectly fair to me.
You're just not fast enough.
Bullshit. I'm an
excellent marksman.
- Oh, yeah.
- I can hit a quail from 200 yards.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what
the fuck does it matter?
Charles, you help me move them
and you stay here and
pack up their shit, okay?
- Elaine: Oh, my God.
- What?
The fucking bitch stole my
Louis Vuitton airplane bag.
You are a ridiculous
human being.
- One, two, three.
- ( grunting )
There you go. Okay. That's good.
Fuck.
( scoffs )
Are you fucking serious?
Zach: Do you like Elaine?
Charles: Zach, shut up.
Zach: Have you guys
kissed or anything?
- I won't pissed. Just tell me.
- Charles: Lift it up higher.
- If you like her... okay.
- Shut up. I will shoot you with this stun gun.
- ( clattering )
- Hello?
You're coming
with me, robo slut!
Aah! Wait, wait, wait!
You're hurting me!
Not as much as you
robots hurt the job market!
- Who are you?
- ( screaming )
Ow! Put me down!
( both grunting )
- Put me down!
- What the fuck!
Oh, shit.
- Help! Help! Help!
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey!
- It's me, it's me, it's me.
- What?
- It's me.
- Ashley: Same to you, you piece of shit.
This is what deserters get!
Fuck you, Ashley!
It's me, Charles!
That's exactly what a
robot would say! Aw, man.
Hey, buddy!
Quick, fire that thing!
- Yes!
- ( groans, farts )
Not at me, at the fucking robot.
It's me. We're
not fucking robots!
- He's lying!
- Oh, fuck me!
The fuck are you
doing, you idiot?
The eye poke test.
I guess you passed.
What the fuck is
an eye poke test?
Ashley: That's a little trick
I learned in North Korea
to tell the robots from the
humans in the theater of war.
You see, robots and humans
are exactly the same externally
except for the eyes.
Oh, that's so very interesting.
Who the fuck is this guy?
He's sort of a friend of mine.
What? You're the
reason he's here?
He just asked me to
bring over some ass wipes.
Yeah, the rest of this stuff...
- Just stop talking.
- Yes, sir.
So if you two are the humanoids,
where the robots I
was sent to kidnap?
- Shut the fuck up.
- What?
What is he talking about?
It's fine. They're in the van.
( tires screeching )
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, that's no good.
Let's just hope for all our sake
they're heading to Mexico.
Why I did think you
could ever be trusted?
I'm sorry, okay? I...
I just didn't think we
needed to get rid of them.
I mean, let's face it, life without
robots is gonna be pretty shitty.
Yeah? Well, maybe you're gonna
have a shitty life no matter what,
because you're just a
shitty, shitty, shitty person.
She's got a point.
You know, like,
maybe it is time for you
to turn your life around.
I did this toad venom ceremony
in Hunuco Pampa last year.
I don't wanna say it
changed my life, but...
it changed my life.
You're right.
Maybe I don't need a robot.
Come on, Charles.
You've got this.
Good morning, coworker.
Yes, I watched
"The Bachelor," too.
Yes, receptionist Joan,
I'd love to see pictures
of your children.
Ah, ah! Fuck!
( groans )
Joan.
Ted: Charles.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Son, you need help.
Is this about me calling
Mr. Schulman "sugar tits?"
That and your
behavior last night.
What are you talking about?
C2.
I'd been working late at home
and thought that I left a file
in one of the other guys' desks.
He owed me that.
So did she.
And him.
( whispering )
The bathroom was out of order.
- ( man groans )
- Um, uh...
I'm very sorry. I've been
taking a lot of Ambien.
How's that stuff
still legal, right?
Maybe we've been
pushing you too hard.
Take some time off. Reset.
You're only human.
( phone vibrating )
Elaine.
I didn't think that I'd
hear from you again.
Yes. Same here.
Trashed my office.
Yeah, I know. I get
it. This is all my fault.
Well, we're gonna
have to figure this out.
Maybe we should meet up.
No more tricks. I promise.
This has been the
worst week of my life.
Paranoia, disguises, and
now I'm expected to bang
the 12 douches I'm
dating just to pay rent.
It's just sex with
complete strangers.
I do it all the time.
- Um, two cappuccinos.
- Thank you.
Could I get a sweetener, please?
- Yeah.
- I can't do this without E2.
I mean, I'm gonna
have to get a real job.
Trust me, I tried work.
It is literally the worst idea
in the history of the world.
You know, I've been thinking.
What if E2 and C2
really have fallen in love?
I mean, who knows
what they're capable of.
Maybe we should go to Mexico.
- 100% no.
- But Mexico has everything...
Forget Mexico, okay?
We stay here, we hunt
them down, and we kill them.
Thank you.
- Kill them?
- Kill them.
I'm gonna use the restroom.
Okay, I don't... I...
( engine starts )
Hey, hey!
Elaine, what the fuck?
- Hey!
- Hey, stop!
- Elaine!
- Charles!
- Come back!
- Charles, stop!
Hey, Charles!
Come back!
- Argh!
- Fuck!
Wait. Wait, you just...
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
Shit.
- Ahh!
- Sorry, I just...
Ow! God, why'd you do it back?
- I needed to check.
- Jesus.
Oh, fuck. We've been had.
- Fuck, what do we do?
- I don't know.
- They're definitely pissed.
- Yeah, well, no shit.
I did tell C2 we were
planning to kill him.
You idiot. Why
would you do that?
( sighs )
Charles: Wonder why they
left my car and took yours.
Well, it seems in addition to
vengeance, they've also developed taste.
- Get off the road.
- ( groans )
( music playing )
I'd offer to buy us a drink,
but your evil twin
stole my credit cards.
And yours took mine.
Do you think
they've had their fun?
( phone vibrating )
I'd say that's highly likely.
- ( squealing )
- God.
- ( sighs )
- ( text chimes )
E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
- ( gunfire )
- ( screaming )
Oh, my God.
( gunfire and
screaming continue )
- Shit.
- Charles...
We've been perfectly framed.
So what are we gonna
do? We gotta get out of town.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
- I know a place.
Take me or leave me
I'm gonna fly
Love me or hate me
I'm gonna fly
Turn your back on me
Hold me tight
It all goes wrong
Before it's right
Gonna fly
We can hole up here for a
bit, figure out what to do next.
My stepdad never
uses this place.
Great, somewhere picturesque
to plan our next
mass shooting from?
- Whoa, whoa. Phones off.
- What?
Yes, the cops will definitely
be using them to find us.
Never were you bad,
never were you so
( sighing )
Beautiful as one
you did not know
Listen, it's gonna get dark soon
and it's gonna be
fucking freezing,
so we should probably
find wood for the fire
and see if there's
any food in here.
Seriously?
Can you please go out
and find some wood?
- Thank you.
- ( howling )
- What was that?
- A coyote.
- It sounded like a bear.
- It's a coyote.
Definitely sounded
like a big bear to me.
Oh, really? Since
when do bears howl?
When they're horny?
Would you like me
to go get the wood?
- Yes, please.
- You're such a fucking pussy.
Start that and see if
there's any food in there.
( music playing )
Fucking light.
Yes.
Fuck you, log.
You were supposed
to light the fire.
I tried everything
humanly possible,
but that log is faulty.
It's not flammable.
For fuck's sake.
Did you know that Bradley
Cooper used to be straight?
Hey! I was reading that.
Help me. You crumple it up.
Did you manage to find any food?
Oh, yes. Mixed
news on that front.
I found some old
cans, but unfortunately
there isn't the little machine
C2 uses to open the cans.
Can opener? You seriously
don't know the term "can opener"?
Great.
Mmm.
Yeah, I told you this place would
be all right once we got it sorted.
We make quite the team.
What's for dessert?
We make quite the team?
That's like saying a murderer
and their victim make quite a team.
A team works together for
everyone's mutual benefit.
The only you've done
since we've been up here
is watch me be
your new robot slave.
I provided the cabin.
The rest is not
really my specialty.
You didn't provide
the cabin. Daddy did.
Just like everything
else in your life.
You know what? I'm
gonna go to sleep.
Because I can't fucking
believe that I am stuck
on the top of a
mountain with you,
with no money and no
friends and no phone,
and a life of jail waiting
for me at the bottom.
And I hope I have a nightmare,
because it'll be better
than this shitty reality.
I'm very sorry, Elaine.
Didn't mean to be inconsiderate.
You should sleep in the
comfortable chair next to the fire
- so you don't die of hypothermia.
- Fuck off.
Can you at least let me try
and move you closer to the heat?
- No. I'll kick you.
- Well, I'm going to do it.
Do not kick me. I'm going to
gently move you towards the fire.
- I'm gonna kick you.
- No. No.
- Stop!
- Come nearer the fire.
- Charles, stop it!
- Otherwise you'll freeze to death!
Stop!
- I hate you.
- Elaine, we'll swap places.
Let's just be rational here.
I have just consumed
nearly an entire tin of beans.
I should be sleeping
nowhere near an open flame.
- Fuck off.
- Okay.
I'm sick and tired
of the way that I feel
I'm always dreaming
and it's never for real
I'm all alone with
my deep thoughts
I'm all alone
with my heartache
And my good intentions
I want to eat and
drink, to sleep just a little
Feels like I'm never
getting back what I give
I got a sad song
in my sweet heart
And all I really ever need
is some love and attention
Give me that.
I still think you're
a total dick.
Could I have a little
bourbon, please?
Now about that dessert.
And I don't wanna cry
My whole life through
I wanna do some
laughing, too
So, come on,
come on, come on
- Okay, ready?
- You have two two hands. It's cheating.
Yeah, I'm a girl. Go.
Oh!
( laughs ) That's not fair.
Don't wanna die
Without shaking
up a leg or two
Yeah, I wanna do
some dancing, too
So, come on, come
on, come on, come on
And dance with me
( music continues )
In the fire?
Come on, come on, come on
Come on and dance with me
Morning.
Coffee and Excedrin,
breakfast of champions.
And alcoholics.
We need to get
off this mountain.
It's only gonna be a matter of
time till the cops find us here.
That's true.
Mexico's our only choice.
How are we supposed
to get to Mexico
with every cop in the
country looking for America's
only Lake Placid
Blue double cab Jeep?
- Ta-da.
- Wow.
Got up early this
morning to do it.
Found some old
paint in the shed.
Guarantee you it will
get us past the cops.
It's actually really
well camouflaged.
- Whoa.
- I ran out of green.
- It'll do the trick.
- Yeah. Should we get going?
Why don't we get
some lunch first?
Sure, I'll try and
see if there's any...
Uh-uh-uh. This way.
There's something I wanna
show you in the woods.
- This looks creepy.
- Don't be silly. Just come on.
I'm a little scared.
You're scared? I'm the one
that has to walk back alone.
Follow me into the woods.
- Fuck!
- Whoa, what happened?
- You were an idiot is what happened.
- What happened?
What are you talking
about? I didn't do anything?
I wanted to show you my
first, and if I'm brutally honest,
only really successful
real estate development.
Huh?
( laughs ) Oh.
Is that your doll house?
It's a fishing lodge.
- Oh, it's your playhouse.
- No.
This is really cute,
but I'm starving.
Where's lunch?
- Charles: In there.
- What?
We're going fishing?
- Yeah.
- Ooh! So exciting.
( moans )
How much longer
is this gonna take?
Three, four hours.
- Four more hours?
- Yes. Do you want a go?
Don't be disheartened
if you don't get anything.
Your best weapon is patience.
Oh, really? I beg to differ.
What are you... hey, be careful!
- Jesus!
- Get out of the way.
- Get out of the way.
- Fuck off.
- That's cheating.
- Not my fault you brought
a fishing rod to a gun fight.
Come on. I'll help you.
- Ah!
- You...
- I will throw you in this river.
- No, let go of me!
I will throw you in this river.
You will be swimming
with the trout!
That was actually
very delicious.
Time to face the music?
( siren blaring )
Shit. Shit.
- We're going to jail.
- No, no.
- We're going to jail, Elaine.
- Hey, Charles.
- I can't go to jail. Not with this face.
- Look at me.
- Charles, don't say anything.
- They'll pass me around like a joint.
- Don't say anything, okay?
- Okay.
- Let me do the talking. Okay.
- Okay.
- You know why I stopped you?
- Mass murder.
- Charles.
- Sorry.
What?
Whatever asshole kid
vandalized your vehicle
also painted over
your brake lights.
IDs, please.
Charles, the brake lights.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Officer, I did it.
I coerced Elaine. She's
completely innocent.
You painted over
your own lights?
Why would you do that?
Just scrape 'em clean and
you can get on your way.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, officer.
- We really appreciate it.
- On your way.
What the fuck?
He ran the IDs and nothing.
Turn on your phone.
- Google "August mass shooting."
- It's America.
We might need to be
a little bit more specific.
Yeah, um, Albuquerque
IRS shooting?
- Nothing.
- Pull up the video again.
- E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God, there's
no cars in the parking lot.
And it was a Saturday,
which means no one
would be in the office.
- ( gunfire, screaming ) - And those
are AR-15s. AR-15s are semiautomatic.
That's fully automatic gunfire.
They faked the whole thing.
- What a pair of fucking cunts!
- Yeah.
They've been living it up in
Mexico whilst you've been here
freaking out about going
to prison for no reason.
Okay, both of us have been.
Unbelievable.
Charles, they're not in Mexico.
Then where have
they run away to?
They haven't.
Both: Oh.
Oh!
- Elaine: Ugh.
- Fucking hell.
This is terrible.
They've completely
stolen our lives.
Do we have enough
gas to get to the border?
No, but we do have enough
to get to my stepdad's
house in Santa Fe
and work out how we're
gonna get our lives back.
You're right. Fuck those cunts.
God, I find it so attractive
when you say that word.
- Do you?
- Yeah, I think it might be an English thing.
( music playing )
Your silicon
strategy's in free fall
Your helicam flutters
In high frequency
The power cut
undercuts your free flow
There's nobody
left to casually
Guide your hand
Loan me your unholy
Lowly loneliness
Loan me your unholy
Lowly loneliness
You're only in a mess
Isn't it weird to think that we,
the robots, are down somewhere?
Elaine: Probably at the bar
telling people how
happy they are.
Charles: How they
complete each other.
It's so fucked up.
It's so fucked up.
( airplane engine )
- God.
- That's cringe.
Elaine: Ugh, so cheesy.
What's going on down
there? Give me those.
- ( grunts )
- Sorry.
Ooh, they have arrived.
- ( gasps ) Oh, my God.
- What?
Elaine: The fucking bitch stole
my Chanel hula hoop purse.
- Really?
- Oh, how lame is that?
They hired a mime.
- Ow.
- That's not a mime.
- It's a bloody priest.
- What?
- We're getting married.
- No.
- What do we do?
- I got it.
- I got it. Let's go.
- Go where?
To stop our wedding.
I feel kind of bad for
peeling off their faces
and throwing them in there.
Walk like you've got
a stick up your ass.
- Better?
- Too much.
- Smaller stick.
- More salt!
- Less soap!
- Yes, Chef.
Dude, my half-brother
is such a freak.
He's incapable of
keeping a woman.
I know because I'm
banging his ex-girlfriend.
- Mm.
- Hey, welcome to the wedding.
- What is your problem?
- Uh, my dick's so big it gives me back pain.
- Want me to cut it off?
- Okay, yeah. I like her.
- Prick.
- Charlie, congrats.
I'm so happy for you.
- What is it?
- Francesca, my ex.
You know, just because
you're getting married
it doesn't mean
we can't be friends.
Maybe you can take me shopping.
There will be benefits for you.
Fucking gold digger.
( clears throat )
Will you excuse me, Francesca?
Ted: Speech is in
the courtyard, folks.
C2: Thank you, everyone, for
making it here on such short notice.
Till a couple of days ago,
most of you probably
didn't even realize
that Elaine and I were dating.
But the truth is, we
have more in common
than you could ever imagine.
It's almost as if we're
hardwired to be a couple.
I see what they did there.
When we first
met, it was electric.
"Sparks flew." Missed that one.
- Oh, God.
- C2: We're so compatible,
and that's why we wanted
to get married immediately
just to make things official.
Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
We're not married.
That's tomorrow.
And you know what
else is tomorrow?
Dancing. Hit it DJ.
Oh, please, God, no.
( big band music playing )
- Stop.
- What?
( music continues )
Did we just watch
the same thing?
We're going to get changed.
We'll be back in a jiffy.
And please remember, don't
go easy on the champagne.
I think I preferred him
without a sense of humor.
Okay, this is our chance.
- C2: Come in.
- Room service.
- E2: Come in.
- Charles?
Elaine?
Hey, you go
ahead. I'll catch up.
( music playing )
( grunting )
- Just leave the bag.
- No fucking way.
The guns are running low. We're gonna
have to get rid of our passengers soon.
Any bright ideas?
( grunting )
Gentlemen first, I guess.
Both: One, two, three.
( splashing )
Should we get Bonnie
now that Clyde is, uh...
( clicks tongue )
Yeah, let's get this over with.
Wait, wait, wait. She's wearing,
like, 12K worth of my jewelry.
- What?
- Yeah, move.
- Quickly then.
- Okay.
It can't be. Elaine.
- What?
- He's awake.
The fucker's swimming to shore!
What the fuck? What the fuck?
- I don't...
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Come on, come on!
- I told you they were running low.
- Shoot her again!
- ( sparking )
( panting )
- Okay. At least we got her.
- Okay. Yeah.
Leaving us the small
issue of getting C2 back.
All right, let's get
her over the edge.
Wait. We have got the one thing
in the world that C2 cares about.
We need to set a
trap, make him jealous.
If C2 thinks that E2
is, you know, into me,
then he'll come straight to us.
It'll never work. She's
deprogrammed now.
She's fucking feral.
She won't do it.
- If only we had an obedient E2.
- I have an idea.
Yeah, help me get her
to the Jeep. Come on.
Aw, shit!
- ( both grunting )
- We need E3.
- E3?
- Go get her.
What are you even talking...
E3? I've never heard that.
- Zach.
- Uh, who is E3?
Zach and I used
to work together,
and I think it's fair to say
that he was attracted to me.
Obsessed even.
No, it was, like,
barely a crush.
- Puppy love.
- Which led to him breaking into my home
and installing a
camera in my bathroom.
You dirty bastard.
All I did was watch
her brush her teeth.
- Mm.
- So I gave him a choice.
I could call the cops
or he could build
me a robot double.
We, uh, negotiated,
and I also agreed to
letting him build a triple,
E3, for his personal use.
I mean, don't get me wrong...
Creepy as fuck. But great.
We have an obedient
E2. Where is she?
- Well, she's broke.
- Oh, bullshit. Go and get her.
- What?
- We need her to make out with Charles
while FaceTiming C2
because he'll think that she's E2,
he'll get jealous, and that's
how we lure him back here.
- He wouldn't fall for that.
- Just let us try it!
- No!
- Zach, don't you forget
that you are as much
in the shit as we are.
So unless you have a
different genius idea...
Charles: Chop, chop.
It's, like, crazy,
'cause I'm older
and they're younger,
and they're bossing me around?
- Holy shit.
- Oh, dear.
It might be kind of fun to
introduce you to some new friends.
You are never allowed
to tell anyone about this.
You're gonna love
this. I'm gonna love it.
Hi. I'm Elaine.
What? No, no, no. I am Elaine.
You gotta straighten
that shit out immediately.
Okay. Honey, I'm gonna have
to change your name, okay?
So I'm gonna call you E3.
E2. She needs to be called E2.
Oh, right, 'cause your
stupid fucking plan. Okay.
Your name is E2.
Who gives a shit?
Hi, I'm E2 Who Gives a Shit.
I see you've taken her
brain and put it in her bra.
She looks kind of
dopey. Is she all right?
- Zach: She's perfect.
- You've been a really dirty boy today.
I think I should probably
clean your dirty bits and pieces.
- Oh! No.
- Oh, God, I'm gonna puke.
No, come on up. Come on up.
We don't wanna that,
Elaine... I mean, E2.
We got guests, and we
wanna be good hosts.
That's us time. That's
when it's two, not four.
E2, from now on, Charles here,
this is the guy that
you want, okay?
Not Zach.
( sighs )
( groans ) Just do it.
Okay.
Hi, Charles. Do you want
a little spanky-wanky?
Okay, yeah. I'm good
for spanky-wanks.
- You got 20 minutes.
- Jesus.
And the safe word is "Kanye."
Charles: Right. Just slow down.
We want you to make a video.
Oh, I've made so
many videos before.
Oh, God. Yes, of
that I have no doubt.
( Western music playing )
( phone vibrating )
- E2.
- It's Charles.
Where is E2?
She's with me right now.
Hi, C2, everything's fine here.
You can come and get me.
That's Elaine. I want to see E2.
Damn, you're smart. I'll have
you know that E2's here as well,
- and she's doing just great.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, E2. Spanky-wanky time.
Oh, another Charles,
just like my baby boy.
- What have you done to her?
- We're at Zach's.
He tweaked her
brain a little bit,
made her a little more fun.
No. That's not possible.
Trust me, E2 has
become a lot more friendly.
- E3: I want you now.
- Charles: Oh!
- No!
- Both: Bye, C2.
( Western music playing )
We're on track.
Now we just need to get the
gun ready for when he gets here.
Jesus! Okay.
- I guess we just wait.
- We're done now. Thank you.
Okay, that's enough.
Thanks. You can leave.
Weird.
Okay. Right.
We should set some
positions for an ambush.
- You keep lookout. I'll take the door.
- Yeah.
Oh, not you again.
Okay, yeah. We're done now.
Hey, we're all good, okay?
Shoo.
- Get her off of you.
- I'm trying.
You're not trying that hard.
Ah, nope. Nope, nope.
She's strong.
She's clearly
programmed to initiate.
Initiate? She's
trying to rape me!
- Use the safe word.
- Kanye.
Yeezus! Vice President West!
- ( zipper unzips )
- Get Zach! Ye! Ye!
- Ye! Ye!
- Zach, she's not listening!
- ( knocking on door )
- Ooh, lordy
- Trouble so hard
- Elaine: Zach!
- Ooh, lordy, trouble
so hard - Zach!
Kanye! Yeezy! Yeezus!
Stop it!
Does Charlie want a pinky-winky?
No, not the pinky! Zach!
Don't call me lonesome
Lonesome or blue as can be
Holy shit. This motherfucker.
Sheriff? Sheriff!
Aw, fuck.
Zach, she's out of control!
Zach!
Ugh, maybe I should
just let this happen.
No! No!
( all grunting )
- Stop. No.
- Come here!
Get off me! Zach!
- ( grunting )
- Okay!
20 minutes is up!
- Zach.
- Kanye.
Why didn't you
say the safe word?
- We fucking did.
- Like 20,000 times.
- You're supposed to say it in my voice.
- What?
Zach: You know, if you
monsters will excuse us,
I have to give Elaine
a nice bubble bath.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
Oh, Charles, could
you get dressed?
I lost a sock.
And one of my testicles.
- ( laughs )
- It's not funny.
- It's kind of funny.
- No, it is not.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, as long as I never
have to see a robot
double of you again.
( Elaine gasps ) Fuck.
- ( muffled grunting )
- No.
- ( wheels screeching )
- ( clattering )
( E2 mumbling, grunting )
- Elaine: It's him.
- Charles: Zach's gun.
I'm sorry, C2.
I don't really have a choice.
Huh?
It's a fucking paintball gun.
What?
- My darling.
- C2!
Your wedding dress is
everything I imagined and more.
- ( siren wailing )
- The cops.
( siren chirps )
( muttering )
Belen Police. Oh, shit.
Are you seeing this, Chavez?
Boss, I don't know what this is.
Sheriff: On your knees!
Hands on your heads,
fingers interlocked.
Wow.
This is big.
Even bigger than the doorbell
camera butthole flasher.
I'm for sure gonna be on
multiple true crime podcasts.
But, boss...
Boss, it was me
who discovered the...
( cell door opens )
So, what I'm struggling to
understand is how identical twins
came to have
identical fingerprints.
Far as I can see, there's
only one explanation.
Two of y'all are
robot "fac-sea-miles."
It's actually
pronounced "facsim..."
Uh, sorry, you were saying?
Whichever of you are
humans, enjoy this cell.
It's the nicest one you're
gonna see for the next 40 years.
And for you robots in
here, say your good-byes.
The only way you'll
see each other again
is if you're recycled in the
same Bud Light six-pack.
I'll be back in the morning
with some Federal Robot
Enforcement agents.
( cell door slams )
I'm heading home to polish
my badge and boots, Chavez.
This time tomorrow,
I'll be on Fox News.
A hero.
I can't believe we're
actually eating jail food.
Don't worry.
You're not missing out on much.
We're robots.
There are many
things we don't need.
Food, sleep, oxygen.
We're glorified appliances
built to live our
lives as slaves.
E2: Alone.
At least, that's
what we thought...
until we met, fell in love.
Something we didn't
even think was possible.
You told us thousands
of times love isn't real.
It's a delusional state
that only ends in misery.
E2: But we realized
you're wrong.
Love is real, and it's
the cure to misery.
You're humans.
That's what you do.
You sabotage your own happiness.
We would rather die
as robots with love
than live our lives like you,
humans without it.
Jesus.
We've been such fucking idiots.
Yeah.
None of it matters
anymore though.
It's all over.
What are you doing?
I'd like my phone call, please!
I want to speak to my lawyer.
- One quick call.
- Thank you.
- I'll be listening.
- Good.
Mm-hmm.
Hello?
It's Charles Cameron.
I've been arrested.
I'm at Belen Sheriff's Office.
Just do whatever you can.
Thank you very much, Mr. Ninja.
Mr. F. Ninja.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Mr. F-A-T Ninja. Yes.
- Okay, thank you.
- Come on. Let's go.
My lawyer's a bit old.
He gets quite confused.
Our lives are in
the hands of a man
that I am pretty
sure is illiterate.
( phone ringing )
Belen Sherriff's
Office, Deputy Chavez.
Ashley: I need to file a report.
I gotta a 7-11 in
progress at the 10-65.
Sorry, scratch that. Reverse it.
A 10-65 at the
7-11 in Santa Lucy.
We got four suspects armed,
but here's where it gets weird.
- They're all identical.
- What do you mean?
Pretty certain
they're robots, ma'am.
Okay, thank you for
reporting this, mister...
Lieutenant Alex
Mason, Seal Team 7.
Well, thank you for your
service, Lieutenant Mason.
Listen, I'm on my way, okay?
Please do not
confront the suspects.
Godspeed, deputy. In Q we...
Fuck him. You got this, Chavez.
Charles: Yes! Ashley!
Go, go, go.
Keys.
Hey, Charles, can I get a word?
I'm C2.
Hey, Charles, you know you
don't have to go to Mexico.
I could always just kill
those robots for you.
Yeah, thanks, Ashley,
but I think we're gonna cross
the border together, my friend.
- We really should go.
- Ashley: I get it, sir.
- Good-bye, Elaine.
- E2: Oh, I'm E2.
God damn it.
Elaine, I won't forget you.
- And good luck in Mexico.
- Charles: Thanks, Ashley.
- I'll get rid of the evidence.
- Good work, soldier.
Thank you, sir.
( music playing )
Not far till freedom.
How are you planning to use it?
Well, first of all, we'd
like to get married.
Hopefully without
interruptions this time.
Then I'd like to
learn to scuba dive.
In case someone tries to
throw you in a lake again?
We can learn together.
Get a little house on the beach.
- Mm.
- What about you two?
Oh, I don't know.
Probably check myself into
rehab for purse addiction.
Will you see each other?
See each other?
Uh, you mean, like...
- As friends.
- Oh, right. Yeah.
- Yeah. I mean, you know...
- Of course. We're friends.
Charles: Yeah, I mean, she's gonna
want me hanging around me all the time.
Yeah, he's not gonna want me
hanging around all the time either,
so we'll just see each other
when we see each other.
Yes.
Mexico.
Here's to new beginnings.
( music continues )
- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.
( sighs )
( beeps, buzzes )
Sorry, entry is not granted.
- What do you mean?
- Sorry, entry is not granted.
What? Do it again.
Is it charged? Is it on?
Try it again. Try this eye.
Sorry, entry is not granted.
What's happening?
I don't... E2 and I have
identical retina scans.
- Charles: Please, can you just let her through?
- ( siren wailing )
Robot: Sorry,
entry is not granted.
Elaine: Just stop
fucking saying that.
- Come on.
- Sorry, entry is not granted.
Charles: I can't even
bribe the bastard.
He won't make an exception.
He's programmed not to.
( siren wailing )
- Go.
- But you'll be arrested.
The woman you love
and who loves you
is waiting for you...
and I'm not leaving Elaine.
Now go. You're still my
robot. That's an order.
Good-bye, my friend.
Thanks for showing
me how to be a human.
Good-bye, Charles.
Thank you.
- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.
You stupid cunt.
( siren wailing )
Hey!
Hands in front of you now
where I can see 'em!
Now!
( beeps )
( beeps )
- Humans.
- Beats an eye poke test.
All right, where are they?
Both of your hands
out. You're under arrest.
You're going away
for a long time.
Hang on. What exactly are
they being arrested for, Sheriff?
Well, having robot
"fac-sea-miles," obviously.
And where's your evidence?
Do you have videos,
prints, mugshots?
No, no. They blew up my jail.
- Agent: Let's go.
- Sheriff: No, no, no, no.
You are an idiot.
Never call me again.
We're out of here.
So, I, uh... I guess
we're not going to jail
for the rest of our lives?
It would seem so.
So what do you want to do now?
This.
( cheering )
My darlings, congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.
- Thanks, Mum.
- But where'd you go?
We thought you'd got cold feet.
Oh, no, we just...
Just wanted a little bit
of quiet time together
before the chaos of the wedding.
Oh, honey, lovely.
Oh, God. What
happened to Ted Jr.?
Mother: Oh, it's his allergy.
Some asshole put Nutella
in the Wagyu sliders.
Be right back.
Oh, poor little Teddy
with his fat little face.
Oh, do you see
his big little ear?
( no audible dialogue )
Schulman. Good evening, sir.
I gather that you met
my wife Kiki yesterday.
I did, and she actually
grabbed my ass
pretty aggressively, sir.
- You're fired.
- I know.
Best day of my life.
( music playing )
Who says that when a womanizer
and a gold-digger get together
things wouldn't turn out
well for either of them?
Hey, lovebirds! You
miss your robots yet?
- Shut up.
- Sorry.
Been in the bathroom doing blow
with some guy named David Schulman.
He offered me a
job as an architect.
- Both: What?
- Whatever the fuck that is.
- I mean...
- Hey, let's fucking party, huh?
- Where did you find him?
- I have no idea.
Something in the middle
Of the side of the store
Got your attention
and asked for more
I was excited to
be part of your world
To belong, to be lost
To be mostly the two of us
Something I was stealing
For no reason at all
They hang me
higher than a disco ball
But you talked them
into letting me go
It's no Picasso,
Michelangelo
Something 'bout
the jewels you wear
Shiny, shiny
bangles on your wrists
And at the masquerade ball
You feel trapped in a
vault, in an empty aquarium
If suddenly you're
out of the woods
Then inside of an
alley, you're out of words
Well, I thought it
was radium at first
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no one else
to blame for us two
Some things, they don't
matter, till they matter to you
They stole that money
from a homeless girl
The truth, we're
all to blame
Their lies and
moral consequences
We started at
the end of the line
To end up giving up
to a couple, who cares?
When you talked
me into letting you go
No more coral on the atoll
Something about
how hard you learned
Kamikaze in a hopeless world
Do you remember the
last time you laughed
And I laughed, and
you left, and I left
Send me on the lonely
other side of the world
With a couple of
guys and no alphabet
Put two and two together
We'll make it last forever
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no else
to blame for us two
( vocalizing )
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no else
to blame for us two
( music playing )
( music continues )
to complete the work of
securing our southern border.
When this project started,
over 11 million people
lived here illegally.
Well, we've not
only got rid of them,
but this beautiful wall
will ensure that they
can never return.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
We got 'em.
Credit should also go
to the Tesla Corporation,
who ten years ago
created the wonderful robots
who now do the tasks
the illegals once did,
but without robbing and raping
decent Americans in the process,
or complaining when
they're disposed of.
( cheering )
( music playing )
Yes! USA!
Oh, the boll weevil
am the little brown bug
- USA!
- Come from Mexico
They say, uh-huh
Come all the way to Texas
Looking for a place to stay
Just looking for a home
Just looking for a home
Now, the first time I
seen the boll weevil
He's a-sitting on the square
Next time I see
the boll weevil
He's got all
his family there
Just looking for a home
Happy skating.
Oh! Ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Bugger!
- Are you okay?
- ( pants, grunts )
- Here, let me help you.
- Thank you.
Oh. Oof.
My God, you're beautiful.
So sorry. That's
so inappropriate.
I might be a little dazed.
I'm Charles, by the way.
- It's okay. I'm Emily.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Let's get you off the ice.
Yes. Oh! Thank you.
- May I?
- Oh.
Thank you.
Trash can...
( whirring, sputtering )
Trash can...
Nice day. Day nice.
- ( continues sputtering )
- ( whistles )
- Good morning, Jane.
- Good morning, Charles.
Looking radiant as ever.
- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.
Hi, Dad. Scottsdale's
looking good.
I managed to get around
the atrium acoustics issue
which was holding
us up for the permit.
- Great job, son.
- And I got these for mum.
Aw, well, why don't you
give them to her yourself?
She's making
lasagna this evening.
I'd love to, but it's date
number four with Emily,
and I think she
might be the one.
That's great.
You know, at the risk
of sounding patronizing,
the change in you this past
year has been incredible.
Thanks, Dad. I really managed
to pull myself out of a dark period.
You still think about her?
- Francesca?
- Mm.
- God, no.
- Well, that's the spirit.
- And to think...
- Hey, Pop, I need you.
'Sup, half-bro. Pop?
Yeah, Charles
has a new girlfriend.
- It's pretty serious.
- Wow.
I look forward to
meeting her brains out.
- Pop, come on.
- See you later, Charles.
Nice.
I don't want this
evening to end.
Come back to my place.
I'd like nothing more,
but I really want our
first time to be special.
- Tonight.
- Tomorrow.
I promise.
( video game gunfire )
I saw Emily after work.
She wanted me to
go back to her place.
I got you a Lotaburger
on the way home.
Would you like me to
remove the vegetables
- and transfer it to a plate?
- Fuck's sake!
- ( "Reveille" playing )
- Ugh.
Thanks to you, that's now 50,001
Americans killed in North Korea.
Put yourself on
deprogram now, C2.
Yes, Charles.
- May I?
- Oh.
C2, what is the point of me
committing random
acts of kindness
if they're not put on social
media for the whole world to see?
Well, Charles, altruism is an
integral virtue of any society.
Altruism doesn't get you
laid if nobody knows about it.
Right, let's see what
else you 9/11-ed today.
I don't want this
evening to end.
- Nice.
- Come back to my place.
How many dates
to reel this one in?
Just four, Charles.
Those ice skating
chicks are the best.
Yes, Emily is fascinating.
She majored in Econ at Tufts
and is a connoisseur
of classic cinema,
in particular, the
oeuvre of Adam Sandler.
That's not what I meant.
I had you built
specifically to spare me
from the tedium of dating.
I'm interested in
women for one thing
and one thing only.
Reporter: Thomas Newton, a
systems analyst for Raytheon,
was today sentenced
to 28 years in prison
after authorities discovered
he had an illegal
robot double of himself.
Strictly prohibited
for civilian ownership,
it is long been rumored
that advanced android clones
are available on
the black market.
Suspicions were first aroused
when 58-year-old Newton,
a keen amateur runner,
broke the world marathon
record in Ohio last June...
- You hear that, dummy?
- Yes, Charles.
We'll need to be more careful.
No leaving the house
at the same time, understood?
Yes, Charles.
Now shut your
mouth. I need to pee.
Yes, Charles.
Good evening, Miss Denholm.
Would you like to have the
most incredible sex with me?
Ha! Indeed I would, kind sir.
The most incredible sex ever!
Your wish is my command.
( grunting )
( groans )
Oh.
That was amazing.
Nothing beats good sex, right?
Totally.
( clears throat )
Well, I should be leaving.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?
Well, when can I see you again?
Let me see.
How are you for October 17th?
That's a month from now.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do November.
Bye.
Directions to ice rink.
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Stupid fucking idiot.
Charles.
Sorry, I wasn't looking
where I was going.
- Are you okay? Are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.
- Thanks. Bye.
- Oh!
- ( grunts )
- Ooh.
Here. It's my fault.
Let me help you up.
Thank you. I'm
Charles, by the way.
Yes, you said. Charles,
the stupid fucking idiot.
I'm Elaine, the
bigger fucking idiot.
Well, we took quite a tumble.
We should get off
the ice, regroup.
- Yeah. Coffee?
- Yeah.
Shall we?
- C2?
- Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions, I
de-fuzzed the peaches
and arranged
your low-rise briefs
- by cotton thread count.
- Thanks.
I've just been ice skating
and had the best time ever.
Ice skating again?
Isn't that a girls' thing?
Which is why it's
also a Charles thing.
200 penguins to
just one polar bear,
who bumped into the
most incredible girl,
and for once she
asked for my number.
Well, I'm glad you've
met a nice young lady.
Speaking of which, number
five, Abby from Desert View texted
saying she'd like you
to meet her parents.
That's nice.
Dump her. Nicely.
By text.
This new girl
is different level.
I need you completely focused
on getting her horizontal for me.
It's a good day, C2.
Indeed it is, Charles.
Hold my taco.
May I?
( trumpeting )
( bell rings )
I see scenes from
broken dreams
There's nobody at the wheel
You pick me up
from the cold, wet floor
Your shadow looks so surreal
Tell me your dreams,
tell me your dreams
- I wanna believe
- ( gasps )
- I just want more
- Ooh.
- You like it?
- I love it.
These days will
only come for you
Oh, Charles.
Build up the
way I feel for you
I feel the days
start forming
( gasps )
Straight lines
that curve out wide
I'll walk with
you, I follow slow
We'll follow birds that fly
To New Mexico
I've never felt this
way about a girl before.
I just don't want
the night to end.
I feel the same way.
I'd love for you to
come back to my place...
but I want our first
time to be really special,
so let's wait until tomorrow.
Yes. Tomorrow.
I want it to be special, too.
( muted clattering )
C2?
Man: FBI! Place your hands above
your head where I can see them.
We have reason to
believe you are concealing
an illegal robot
"fac-sea-mile" of yourself.
- Fuck off, Ashley.
- Ah, shit.
- How'd you know it was me?
- No creature brighter than a quadruped
pronounces the word "facsimile"
"fac-sea-mile," let
alone an FBI agent.
Just get inside or else the
real feds are gonna show.
Why the fuck are you here?
Oh, I was just in your sector.
You know, figured
I'd see if you need me
to pick any more
shit at Trader Joe's.
If I required your services,
I would get you on the app.
- You're bored.
- God, you need to get a real job.
Ain't nobody hiring for shit.
You know what the
guy at GNC told me?
"Unqualified."
Motherfucker, I
know good nutrition.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't C2-D2.
Bleep, bloop,
bloop, bloop, bloop.
- I am a robot. I am a robot.
- Hello, Ashley. How are you?
Oh, you know, every
day a step closer
to sucking dick for McNuggets.
I'm very sorry to hear
that. I can empathize.
Oh, really? You can empathize?
Let me tell you
something, you toaster.
I voted red to kick the illegals
who were stealing our
jobs out of the country.
And you know what? It
worked. They were all deported.
But then you fucking
robots immigrated here
and made it worse by doing
the same job for zero wages.
Well, actually robots
aren't immigrants.
"Well, robots aren't
actually immigrants."
I fought for this country, okay?
When I was the real Fat Ninja,
I single-handedly hunted
down King Dong Un, okay?
I pulled his little
ass out of a foxhole
and dumped his corpse
in the Korean ocean.
No, you didn't. You
were an Army chef.
And you know what
I came home to?
Nothing. No gratitude,
no respect, and no job.
All because of you,
you fuckless Roomba.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have crossed
a line, my friend.
C2, bless his little 12-volt
heart, is literally a slave.
If he wasn't emotionally
deprogrammed every night,
he'd soon willingly
self-deport himself to Mexico.
Robots have equal
rights to humans there.
They can live in freedom.
Do you read anything?
No, I don't fucking read.
I'm just fucking around.
You know I love you guys.
You guys are like my
brothers. Come on, bring it in.
Ah, look at us.
We're like triplets.
Ooh, lipstick!
Elaine, yes. How
did it go tonight?
- Elaine is ready.
- Nice work, C2.
She'd like to see you tomorrow
night. She wrote down her address.
Looks like Charlie's about to
pull the pin on a fuck grenade.
Ooh, yeah!
- ( grunting )
- Really?
Ashley, please remove your
groin from my rectal area.
This fucking pervert
just said "rectal."
That's enough, you
freak. Get out of here.
And take this. I'm
officially in a good mood.
I couldn't possibly. Thank
you so much, brother.
What a charming gentleman.
Elaine. Nice work.
( sighs )
I'm home!
You can start up again.
( whirring )
This Charles guy
really wants to bang me,
so you'll have to take
over tomorrow night, too.
Yes, Elaine. Anything new
I should know about him?
Not really. Except he
is up for a promotion,
so tomorrow should be
worth at least a Rolex.
And he's so perfect
it's almost boring.
Let me see your nails.
Yeah, get those filled
and wear my La Perla.
Any messages
from the other guys?
Number eight, Richard called.
He said he can't stretch
to getting you a
Birkin bag this month,
but would love to
have dinner on Friday.
Elaine: Richard.
Four months, $6,200.
That's only 200
bucks a bang with you.
Dump him. Kindly.
- By text.
- Yes, Elaine.
Oh, and David Laing
sold another house.
So when you've finished
ironing my underwear,
I'll need you to go
out and bang him too.
- Yes, Elaine.
- Great. Thank you!
- What time do I have to be here tomorrow?
- 6:30.
6:30?
But you'd never get back in
time from work for us to swap.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I just thought that...
No, you didn't think.
You got lazy, as usual.
Meaning that I'm gonna
have to work a full eight hours.
( rock music playing )
I'm a heartbreaking machine
- ( honks horn )
- Oh, sorry.
- One minute, please.
- ( revs engine )
Just one... one more
second. Almost done.
Fuck this.
- Hey! What the hell?
- ( baby crying )
Are you okay? It's
okay. Shh, shh, shh.
Meter's expired. He
was parked illegally.
This is my child.
( grunts )
You have my deepest sympathy.
- ( elevator dings ) - Could you
hold the door for me, please?
Oh, uh...
Ugh.
- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.
How's my real estate
rock star doing today?
- Oh, hi.
- So the board is having
a little social get together.
Maybe it's time
you tagged along.
Perfect chance for
you to win over the guys
before your membership
goes to the vote.
- What do you say?
- Fuck yeah.
- Oh.
- I mean, yes, I'd love that.
- Thank you, Dad.
- That's great.
It's at David Schulman's,
6:30 this evening.
- Come straight from work.
- What? Oh.
Charles?
- Sorry, I'm just so excited.
- Well, as you should be.
The address is 2300
Hayden Rd, Vistana.
See you later, son.
Time, time, time, time
Time waits for nothing
Time, time, time, time
- Waits for nothing
- C2!
- ( shattering )
- Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions,
I've arranged your T-shirts
- from lightest to darkest.
- Forget about that.
- I need you for something else.
- Of course.
I thought you were going
straight to Elaine's from work.
Yeah, change of plan. I now need
to go to this stupid board meeting.
Well, I'm sorry that seeing
Elaine can no longer happen.
Well, actually it can happen,
because whilst I'm with Elaine,
you are gonna be
having a fun evening
brown-nosing a bunch
of geriatric Republicans.
But isn't it too risky for us
to be out at the same time?
Do you not recall the
conversation we had
while I was shaving
your perineum?
How about I reschedule Elaine?
No, how about you put on
the suit, you go to the function.
You deserve this
promotion far more than I do.
Here is the address. Uber there.
Now come on.
Let's go get changed.
Yes, Charles.
Come on. Good robot.
( knocking on door )
Hello.
Cameron. Charles Cameron.
Ah, yes. You are expected.
Holy shit. She kept this quiet.
In here, sir.
Oh, Jeeves, I'll let myself in.
- I want it to be a surprise.
- Yes, sir.
I'm here and I'm
ready, sugar tits.
I want you to lick Nutella
off every inch of my naked body
starting with my
silky smooth scrotum.
( zipper unzips )
Hello?
- ( gasps )
- Charles.
I'd like you to meet the board.
This is our CFO David Schulman.
Good evening, Mr. Schulman.
David. May I call you that?
It's probably better
than sugar tits.
I brought you some
flowers and strawberries.
And a pair of plums.
And Nutella I imagine.
Yes. It's Italian
import. The good stuff.
You know, I got a
question, Chucky.
Um, which one of us is
gonna be doing the licking?
I'd just rather it's not me
because I have a nut allergy.
Ha!
Yeah, this is my
half-brother, everyone,
master of first impressions.
I'm just gonna step
outside for a moment.
Very nice to meet
you, Mr. Sugar Tits.
Sugarman. Schulman.
David.
All friends here.
Thank you. Good-bye.
Ted Jr.: Great job, half-bro.
Nailed it!
Happy birthday, Jeeves.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
C2, where are you?
We got the addresses mixed up.
Go home immediately.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got three bangles.
Ooh, 24 karat.
- And a watch.
- A couple hundred.
Cufflinks.
- For a big shirt.
- All right.
Jesus Christ, where
did he learn that?
Until your arms
are all around me
10, 11, 12, 13, 14,
- 1,500 bucks?
- Sure.
And if you wanna sell me
any of those videos of you...
Oh, that wasn't me.
I mean, well, I guess it was me,
but they're not...
They're not for sale, sir.
- It's good money.
- Let me think about it.
I've never done this before.
Don't worry. I have.
Thousands of times.
Wonderful.
How am I doing?
The first two hours
were fantastic.
The last three, perfect.
Good, because I think I'm close.
- Me, too.
- You first.
- No, you first.
- No, I insist.
Together on the count of three.
Yeah.
Both: One, two, three!
- ( cat yowling )
- ( dog barking )
( music playing )
( alarm beeping )
( beeping continues )
( groaning ) Oh, God.
C2, bring me six Excedrin
and a wellness shot.
C2, where are you?
E2, where are you?
Pick up your phone.
I need to know if he's
left so I can come inside.
Ugh, fucking lid.
Got you, fucker.
( both yelp )
- Elaine.
- Charles.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh, um...
- So last night was, um, fun.
- Yeah.
- I'm exhausted.
- You are... you're an amazing lover.
Thank you. Not
too shabby yourself.
You really know your
way around a, um, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are you on your own?
- Yeah, of course.
- Why wouldn't I be?
- Oh, no reason.
- Wow, are these all real?
- Oh, don't worry about...
- Oh, God. Sorry.
- Uh, yeah.
- Sorry, let me...
- No, no, no.
Honestly, I can take
care of all of this. Just...
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
There's a fuck of a lot of them.
( Elaine laughs )
Can I ask you something?
How was I when
you left last night?
- Great.
- We kissed, and then
I went to the, um...
Ugh, I told you.
God, I'm drawing such a blank.
You know, I actually just
got back this morning too.
I was at that place that I was
telling you about last night.
- Oh, um...
- Remember? The... the...
- No. Uh, sorry.
- ( phones vibrating )
- Do you mind if I get this?
- No, I have to get this too.
- Word.
- Yeah.
C2, you little fucker,
where are you?
- E2.
- I'm at Elaine's looking for you.
Oh, I'm very fond of Elaine.
I haven't seen her
for several days now.
Well, that's not true.
You very emphatically lost
your virginity to her last night.
Things are a little
more complicated.
You see, Elaine also
has a robot double... E2.
- What?
- You were dating a robot all along.
Charles just wanted
to have sex with you.
C2: Elaine never wanted
to have sex with you.
She just wanted money and gifts.
E2: You were using each
other. You see, Elaine...
When a womanizer meets
up with a gold digger...
things are unlikely to turn
out well for either of them.
But prospects are slightly
better for their robot doubles.
E2 and I are running
away together.
We just wanna get over
the border to freedom.
C2: Please don't try to stop us.
- Don't you dare.
- Good-bye, Elaine.
- No, E2. E2.
- Good-bye, Charles.
No, no. We can work this out.
Fucking traitor.
- Let's just talk about this.
- Devious piece of shit!
Me devious? Hey!
Fucking hell!
I spent, what, 15 grand on you
to potentially screw a sex doll?
- Yeah, well...
- Fuck you!
Thank God it wasn't me! I
don't even know wanna know
what STDs you're
hosting, you fuckboy!
- I prefer the term "fuckman."
- Get out of my house!
Wait! Look. Wait!
Stop it. We have
to be smart here.
Trust me, jail is even worse
than your shitty
smashed up house.
Ugh! Fine!
Fine. What are we gonna do?
As much as it
pains me to say it,
we're gonna have to work together
and track these fuckers down.
You know what?
Whoever made them,
they need to help us.
They are just as
guilty as we are.
- Yeah. Who made yours?
- No, who made yours?
- Why won't you say it first?
- Because I have a slight trust issue with you.
Well, maybe I have a slight
trust issue with you as well.
Fine. You know what? We'll
say it on the count of three.
Both: One, two...
Zach Newman, Tesla Robotics.
- That's not fair.
- Makes it easier.
- He made mine, too. Let's go.
- See?
Much easier to deal with
these issues as adults
rather than chucking
things at people's heads.
Don't do it!
Childish.
Jesus, what kind of an
asshole drives that piece of shit?
( horn honks )
All right, in two miles
take the 25 South.
And in 0.3 miles,
stop staring at my tits.
I was not.
I was admiring
my car's paintwork.
It's the only Lake Placid Blue
double cab Jeep pickup in America.
Oh, wow. Wonder why.
Same color as Keith Richards'
1982 Fender Telecaster.
- Tell me more.
- Oh, it was a guitar that he loved so much
- he never actually took it onstage...
- ( turns radio on )
Okay, you were being sarcastic.
- ( sighs )
- You know, if anything,
you're the one that
needs to back off a little.
Are you insane?
Look, Chuck,
let's be clear about
how we ended up here.
You used a robot for the sole
purpose of having sex with me.
I used one for the sole
purpose of that never happening.
Well, you're still deceiving
innocent people just as much as me.
No, you're wrong,
I deceive assholes,
men who are cheating on
someone else to be with me.
You, however, prey upon girls
who are under the impression
that they are in an exclusive
relationship with you.
Well, there is no such thing.
Humans, women in particular,
are incapable of them.
Well, we agree on one thing.
- Good.
- Good.
Oh, God.
I need to take a power nap.
Maybe you can talk to
me more about your cars.
Whenever the pasture
Starts looking green
He gets replaced
By the doggone machine
( doorbell rings )
Charles. Elaine.
Hey, what are you
guys doing here? Uh...
I remember.
You said to me, you
looked me in the eye
and you said to me,
"I only need them to help
care for my dying parents."
Mine did. He earned my
father a fortune in real estate
and brought my mother
flowers three times a week.
Okay, so, tell me, were
your parents dying?
Look around you,
Zach. We're all dying.
- Life is a terminal illness.
- Look, fuck...
Speaking of dying, can you
please put that thing down?
Yes. Sorry. Uh-huh.
So, you guys didn't happen to
tell anybody else about them?
- No.
- No.
Zach: Good. Good.
That's something.
Wait here.
Quick question, and
please don't be offended,
how on Earth did you afford
a two million Dogecoin robot?
Zach and I came to an
arrangement, all right?
What kind of arrangement?
- That's none of your business.
- To be honest,
I think I preferred
you with ice skates on.
Yeah, well, I preferred you
when you had glass eyes
and a brain
powered by Intel, so...
Okay, so, we're
not in the clear,
but I managed to locate them.
- Yes.
- Great.
Yeah, I used a GPS
tracking system that I put in.
But they're gonna figure this
out soon, so we gotta move fast.
Great, go find our robots,
get back to helping
our dying parents.
Oh, no, you can't
have them back.
- Both: What?
- You just said that we could.
No, I said I located them,
but we find them
and destroy them.
I beg your pardon.
I'm not just gonna
dismantle him on a whim.
Okay, maybe you
guys don't understand,
but they're not going
to be obedient anymore.
They're humanizing.
They're learning to
feel and empathize,
and far more dangerously,
to seek vengeance.
( blows raspberry )
Bullshit.
I know C2 better
than anybody else.
He's not capable
of any of that shit.
I'm going to go, and
I'm going to find...
Oh, shut the fuck up.
He knows what
he's talking about.
I am not going to die in jail
because of your
spoiled rotten ass.
Fine! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuckity-fuckity-fuck!
- Are you done?
- Fuck!
- Where are they?
- Oh, uh, Socorro.
I think it's gonna
be a bit of a handful,
so I'm gonna need
you two to go with me.
- Yeah, of course.
- Wait.
I need to pee, and throw
up, possibly kill myself.
- Where's your bathroom?
- Right over there.
- So how you doing? Okay.
- No, no. No.
No.
Hey, it's Charles.
Ashley: Oh! 'Sup, C-Dog?
How's it going?
Where the hell are you?
I'm in a bathroom.
Look, I need your
help. I'm desperate.
Do you need me to bring
over some more ass wipes?
No. It's C2.
Look, I can't really talk now.
I'll text you the details,
but just have Fat
Ninja ready to move.
Yes, sir.
A mission given is a
mission accomplished.
We tame the
flames. In Q we trust.
Ooh, lordy, trouble so hard
Oh, lordy, trouble so hard
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Do you have any
music other than Moby?
Mm, no.
Wait, you don't like Moby?
God, I love him. I just...
I find him deeply spiritual,
like a... like the white Gandhi.
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Don't nobody know
my troubles but God
Went in the room,
didn't stay long
Looked on the bed
and brother was dead
That's the room up
there. Take these.
They have enough
power to knock them out
till we get them in the van.
Just stay close by me,
and whatever you
do, you gotta be careful
and only use these when you...
You're 12, you know that?
Pretty good shot
for a 12-year-old.
- It was five feet away.
- Guys, stop.
- ( squawks )
- See? Not that hard to do.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Both: Shh.
They're just up
there, you idiot.
Holy shit. They're screwing.
What?
They're gonna see you! Move!
Okay, looks like
they just started up.
That should give us
about a five-hour window.
Let's use that time
to make a plan.
I wanna... or we do that.
Your disgusting joyride is over.
- Hey, I get to shoot me.
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Well, fine, then I'm
shooting you. That's not fair.
Well, it seemed
perfectly fair to me.
You're just not fast enough.
Bullshit. I'm an
excellent marksman.
- Oh, yeah.
- I can hit a quail from 200 yards.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what
the fuck does it matter?
Charles, you help me move them
and you stay here and
pack up their shit, okay?
- Elaine: Oh, my God.
- What?
The fucking bitch stole my
Louis Vuitton airplane bag.
You are a ridiculous
human being.
- One, two, three.
- ( grunting )
There you go. Okay. That's good.
Fuck.
( scoffs )
Are you fucking serious?
Zach: Do you like Elaine?
Charles: Zach, shut up.
Zach: Have you guys
kissed or anything?
- I won't pissed. Just tell me.
- Charles: Lift it up higher.
- If you like her... okay.
- Shut up. I will shoot you with this stun gun.
- ( clattering )
- Hello?
You're coming
with me, robo slut!
Aah! Wait, wait, wait!
You're hurting me!
Not as much as you
robots hurt the job market!
- Who are you?
- ( screaming )
Ow! Put me down!
( both grunting )
- Put me down!
- What the fuck!
Oh, shit.
- Help! Help! Help!
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey!
- It's me, it's me, it's me.
- What?
- It's me.
- Ashley: Same to you, you piece of shit.
This is what deserters get!
Fuck you, Ashley!
It's me, Charles!
That's exactly what a
robot would say! Aw, man.
Hey, buddy!
Quick, fire that thing!
- Yes!
- ( groans, farts )
Not at me, at the fucking robot.
It's me. We're
not fucking robots!
- He's lying!
- Oh, fuck me!
The fuck are you
doing, you idiot?
The eye poke test.
I guess you passed.
What the fuck is
an eye poke test?
Ashley: That's a little trick
I learned in North Korea
to tell the robots from the
humans in the theater of war.
You see, robots and humans
are exactly the same externally
except for the eyes.
Oh, that's so very interesting.
Who the fuck is this guy?
He's sort of a friend of mine.
What? You're the
reason he's here?
He just asked me to
bring over some ass wipes.
Yeah, the rest of this stuff...
- Just stop talking.
- Yes, sir.
So if you two are the humanoids,
where the robots I
was sent to kidnap?
- Shut the fuck up.
- What?
What is he talking about?
It's fine. They're in the van.
( tires screeching )
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, that's no good.
Let's just hope for all our sake
they're heading to Mexico.
Why I did think you
could ever be trusted?
I'm sorry, okay? I...
I just didn't think we
needed to get rid of them.
I mean, let's face it, life without
robots is gonna be pretty shitty.
Yeah? Well, maybe you're gonna
have a shitty life no matter what,
because you're just a
shitty, shitty, shitty person.
She's got a point.
You know, like,
maybe it is time for you
to turn your life around.
I did this toad venom ceremony
in Hunuco Pampa last year.
I don't wanna say it
changed my life, but...
it changed my life.
You're right.
Maybe I don't need a robot.
Come on, Charles.
You've got this.
Good morning, coworker.
Yes, I watched
"The Bachelor," too.
Yes, receptionist Joan,
I'd love to see pictures
of your children.
Ah, ah! Fuck!
( groans )
Joan.
Ted: Charles.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Son, you need help.
Is this about me calling
Mr. Schulman "sugar tits?"
That and your
behavior last night.
What are you talking about?
C2.
I'd been working late at home
and thought that I left a file
in one of the other guys' desks.
He owed me that.
So did she.
And him.
( whispering )
The bathroom was out of order.
- ( man groans )
- Um, uh...
I'm very sorry. I've been
taking a lot of Ambien.
How's that stuff
still legal, right?
Maybe we've been
pushing you too hard.
Take some time off. Reset.
You're only human.
( phone vibrating )
Elaine.
I didn't think that I'd
hear from you again.
Yes. Same here.
Trashed my office.
Yeah, I know. I get
it. This is all my fault.
Well, we're gonna
have to figure this out.
Maybe we should meet up.
No more tricks. I promise.
This has been the
worst week of my life.
Paranoia, disguises, and
now I'm expected to bang
the 12 douches I'm
dating just to pay rent.
It's just sex with
complete strangers.
I do it all the time.
- Um, two cappuccinos.
- Thank you.
Could I get a sweetener, please?
- Yeah.
- I can't do this without E2.
I mean, I'm gonna
have to get a real job.
Trust me, I tried work.
It is literally the worst idea
in the history of the world.
You know, I've been thinking.
What if E2 and C2
really have fallen in love?
I mean, who knows
what they're capable of.
Maybe we should go to Mexico.
- 100% no.
- But Mexico has everything...
Forget Mexico, okay?
We stay here, we hunt
them down, and we kill them.
Thank you.
- Kill them?
- Kill them.
I'm gonna use the restroom.
Okay, I don't... I...
( engine starts )
Hey, hey!
Elaine, what the fuck?
- Hey!
- Hey, stop!
- Elaine!
- Charles!
- Come back!
- Charles, stop!
Hey, Charles!
Come back!
- Argh!
- Fuck!
Wait. Wait, you just...
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
Shit.
- Ahh!
- Sorry, I just...
Ow! God, why'd you do it back?
- I needed to check.
- Jesus.
Oh, fuck. We've been had.
- Fuck, what do we do?
- I don't know.
- They're definitely pissed.
- Yeah, well, no shit.
I did tell C2 we were
planning to kill him.
You idiot. Why
would you do that?
( sighs )
Charles: Wonder why they
left my car and took yours.
Well, it seems in addition to
vengeance, they've also developed taste.
- Get off the road.
- ( groans )
( music playing )
I'd offer to buy us a drink,
but your evil twin
stole my credit cards.
And yours took mine.
Do you think
they've had their fun?
( phone vibrating )
I'd say that's highly likely.
- ( squealing )
- God.
- ( sighs )
- ( text chimes )
E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
- ( gunfire )
- ( screaming )
Oh, my God.
( gunfire and
screaming continue )
- Shit.
- Charles...
We've been perfectly framed.
So what are we gonna
do? We gotta get out of town.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
- I know a place.
Take me or leave me
I'm gonna fly
Love me or hate me
I'm gonna fly
Turn your back on me
Hold me tight
It all goes wrong
Before it's right
Gonna fly
We can hole up here for a
bit, figure out what to do next.
My stepdad never
uses this place.
Great, somewhere picturesque
to plan our next
mass shooting from?
- Whoa, whoa. Phones off.
- What?
Yes, the cops will definitely
be using them to find us.
Never were you bad,
never were you so
( sighing )
Beautiful as one
you did not know
Listen, it's gonna get dark soon
and it's gonna be
fucking freezing,
so we should probably
find wood for the fire
and see if there's
any food in here.
Seriously?
Can you please go out
and find some wood?
- Thank you.
- ( howling )
- What was that?
- A coyote.
- It sounded like a bear.
- It's a coyote.
Definitely sounded
like a big bear to me.
Oh, really? Since
when do bears howl?
When they're horny?
Would you like me
to go get the wood?
- Yes, please.
- You're such a fucking pussy.
Start that and see if
there's any food in there.
( music playing )
Fucking light.
Yes.
Fuck you, log.
You were supposed
to light the fire.
I tried everything
humanly possible,
but that log is faulty.
It's not flammable.
For fuck's sake.
Did you know that Bradley
Cooper used to be straight?
Hey! I was reading that.
Help me. You crumple it up.
Did you manage to find any food?
Oh, yes. Mixed
news on that front.
I found some old
cans, but unfortunately
there isn't the little machine
C2 uses to open the cans.
Can opener? You seriously
don't know the term "can opener"?
Great.
Mmm.
Yeah, I told you this place would
be all right once we got it sorted.
We make quite the team.
What's for dessert?
We make quite the team?
That's like saying a murderer
and their victim make quite a team.
A team works together for
everyone's mutual benefit.
The only you've done
since we've been up here
is watch me be
your new robot slave.
I provided the cabin.
The rest is not
really my specialty.
You didn't provide
the cabin. Daddy did.
Just like everything
else in your life.
You know what? I'm
gonna go to sleep.
Because I can't fucking
believe that I am stuck
on the top of a
mountain with you,
with no money and no
friends and no phone,
and a life of jail waiting
for me at the bottom.
And I hope I have a nightmare,
because it'll be better
than this shitty reality.
I'm very sorry, Elaine.
Didn't mean to be inconsiderate.
You should sleep in the
comfortable chair next to the fire
- so you don't die of hypothermia.
- Fuck off.
Can you at least let me try
and move you closer to the heat?
- No. I'll kick you.
- Well, I'm going to do it.
Do not kick me. I'm going to
gently move you towards the fire.
- I'm gonna kick you.
- No. No.
- Stop!
- Come nearer the fire.
- Charles, stop it!
- Otherwise you'll freeze to death!
Stop!
- I hate you.
- Elaine, we'll swap places.
Let's just be rational here.
I have just consumed
nearly an entire tin of beans.
I should be sleeping
nowhere near an open flame.
- Fuck off.
- Okay.
I'm sick and tired
of the way that I feel
I'm always dreaming
and it's never for real
I'm all alone with
my deep thoughts
I'm all alone
with my heartache
And my good intentions
I want to eat and
drink, to sleep just a little
Feels like I'm never
getting back what I give
I got a sad song
in my sweet heart
And all I really ever need
is some love and attention
Give me that.
I still think you're
a total dick.
Could I have a little
bourbon, please?
Now about that dessert.
And I don't wanna cry
My whole life through
I wanna do some
laughing, too
So, come on,
come on, come on
- Okay, ready?
- You have two two hands. It's cheating.
Yeah, I'm a girl. Go.
Oh!
( laughs ) That's not fair.
Don't wanna die
Without shaking
up a leg or two
Yeah, I wanna do
some dancing, too
So, come on, come
on, come on, come on
And dance with me
( music continues )
In the fire?
Come on, come on, come on
Come on and dance with me
Morning.
Coffee and Excedrin,
breakfast of champions.
And alcoholics.
We need to get
off this mountain.
It's only gonna be a matter of
time till the cops find us here.
That's true.
Mexico's our only choice.
How are we supposed
to get to Mexico
with every cop in the
country looking for America's
only Lake Placid
Blue double cab Jeep?
- Ta-da.
- Wow.
Got up early this
morning to do it.
Found some old
paint in the shed.
Guarantee you it will
get us past the cops.
It's actually really
well camouflaged.
- Whoa.
- I ran out of green.
- It'll do the trick.
- Yeah. Should we get going?
Why don't we get
some lunch first?
Sure, I'll try and
see if there's any...
Uh-uh-uh. This way.
There's something I wanna
show you in the woods.
- This looks creepy.
- Don't be silly. Just come on.
I'm a little scared.
You're scared? I'm the one
that has to walk back alone.
Follow me into the woods.
- Fuck!
- Whoa, what happened?
- You were an idiot is what happened.
- What happened?
What are you talking
about? I didn't do anything?
I wanted to show you my
first, and if I'm brutally honest,
only really successful
real estate development.
Huh?
( laughs ) Oh.
Is that your doll house?
It's a fishing lodge.
- Oh, it's your playhouse.
- No.
This is really cute,
but I'm starving.
Where's lunch?
- Charles: In there.
- What?
We're going fishing?
- Yeah.
- Ooh! So exciting.
( moans )
How much longer
is this gonna take?
Three, four hours.
- Four more hours?
- Yes. Do you want a go?
Don't be disheartened
if you don't get anything.
Your best weapon is patience.
Oh, really? I beg to differ.
What are you... hey, be careful!
- Jesus!
- Get out of the way.
- Get out of the way.
- Fuck off.
- That's cheating.
- Not my fault you brought
a fishing rod to a gun fight.
Come on. I'll help you.
- Ah!
- You...
- I will throw you in this river.
- No, let go of me!
I will throw you in this river.
You will be swimming
with the trout!
That was actually
very delicious.
Time to face the music?
( siren blaring )
Shit. Shit.
- We're going to jail.
- No, no.
- We're going to jail, Elaine.
- Hey, Charles.
- I can't go to jail. Not with this face.
- Look at me.
- Charles, don't say anything.
- They'll pass me around like a joint.
- Don't say anything, okay?
- Okay.
- Let me do the talking. Okay.
- Okay.
- You know why I stopped you?
- Mass murder.
- Charles.
- Sorry.
What?
Whatever asshole kid
vandalized your vehicle
also painted over
your brake lights.
IDs, please.
Charles, the brake lights.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Officer, I did it.
I coerced Elaine. She's
completely innocent.
You painted over
your own lights?
Why would you do that?
Just scrape 'em clean and
you can get on your way.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, officer.
- We really appreciate it.
- On your way.
What the fuck?
He ran the IDs and nothing.
Turn on your phone.
- Google "August mass shooting."
- It's America.
We might need to be
a little bit more specific.
Yeah, um, Albuquerque
IRS shooting?
- Nothing.
- Pull up the video again.
- E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God, there's
no cars in the parking lot.
And it was a Saturday,
which means no one
would be in the office.
- ( gunfire, screaming ) - And those
are AR-15s. AR-15s are semiautomatic.
That's fully automatic gunfire.
They faked the whole thing.
- What a pair of fucking cunts!
- Yeah.
They've been living it up in
Mexico whilst you've been here
freaking out about going
to prison for no reason.
Okay, both of us have been.
Unbelievable.
Charles, they're not in Mexico.
Then where have
they run away to?
They haven't.
Both: Oh.
Oh!
- Elaine: Ugh.
- Fucking hell.
This is terrible.
They've completely
stolen our lives.
Do we have enough
gas to get to the border?
No, but we do have enough
to get to my stepdad's
house in Santa Fe
and work out how we're
gonna get our lives back.
You're right. Fuck those cunts.
God, I find it so attractive
when you say that word.
- Do you?
- Yeah, I think it might be an English thing.
( music playing )
Your silicon
strategy's in free fall
Your helicam flutters
In high frequency
The power cut
undercuts your free flow
There's nobody
left to casually
Guide your hand
Loan me your unholy
Lowly loneliness
Loan me your unholy
Lowly loneliness
You're only in a mess
Isn't it weird to think that we,
the robots, are down somewhere?
Elaine: Probably at the bar
telling people how
happy they are.
Charles: How they
complete each other.
It's so fucked up.
It's so fucked up.
( airplane engine )
- God.
- That's cringe.
Elaine: Ugh, so cheesy.
What's going on down
there? Give me those.
- ( grunts )
- Sorry.
Ooh, they have arrived.
- ( gasps ) Oh, my God.
- What?
Elaine: The fucking bitch stole
my Chanel hula hoop purse.
- Really?
- Oh, how lame is that?
They hired a mime.
- Ow.
- That's not a mime.
- It's a bloody priest.
- What?
- We're getting married.
- No.
- What do we do?
- I got it.
- I got it. Let's go.
- Go where?
To stop our wedding.
I feel kind of bad for
peeling off their faces
and throwing them in there.
Walk like you've got
a stick up your ass.
- Better?
- Too much.
- Smaller stick.
- More salt!
- Less soap!
- Yes, Chef.
Dude, my half-brother
is such a freak.
He's incapable of
keeping a woman.
I know because I'm
banging his ex-girlfriend.
- Mm.
- Hey, welcome to the wedding.
- What is your problem?
- Uh, my dick's so big it gives me back pain.
- Want me to cut it off?
- Okay, yeah. I like her.
- Prick.
- Charlie, congrats.
I'm so happy for you.
- What is it?
- Francesca, my ex.
You know, just because
you're getting married
it doesn't mean
we can't be friends.
Maybe you can take me shopping.
There will be benefits for you.
Fucking gold digger.
( clears throat )
Will you excuse me, Francesca?
Ted: Speech is in
the courtyard, folks.
C2: Thank you, everyone, for
making it here on such short notice.
Till a couple of days ago,
most of you probably
didn't even realize
that Elaine and I were dating.
But the truth is, we
have more in common
than you could ever imagine.
It's almost as if we're
hardwired to be a couple.
I see what they did there.
When we first
met, it was electric.
"Sparks flew." Missed that one.
- Oh, God.
- C2: We're so compatible,
and that's why we wanted
to get married immediately
just to make things official.
Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
We're not married.
That's tomorrow.
And you know what
else is tomorrow?
Dancing. Hit it DJ.
Oh, please, God, no.
( big band music playing )
- Stop.
- What?
( music continues )
Did we just watch
the same thing?
We're going to get changed.
We'll be back in a jiffy.
And please remember, don't
go easy on the champagne.
I think I preferred him
without a sense of humor.
Okay, this is our chance.
- C2: Come in.
- Room service.
- E2: Come in.
- Charles?
Elaine?
Hey, you go
ahead. I'll catch up.
( music playing )
( grunting )
- Just leave the bag.
- No fucking way.
The guns are running low. We're gonna
have to get rid of our passengers soon.
Any bright ideas?
( grunting )
Gentlemen first, I guess.
Both: One, two, three.
( splashing )
Should we get Bonnie
now that Clyde is, uh...
( clicks tongue )
Yeah, let's get this over with.
Wait, wait, wait. She's wearing,
like, 12K worth of my jewelry.
- What?
- Yeah, move.
- Quickly then.
- Okay.
It can't be. Elaine.
- What?
- He's awake.
The fucker's swimming to shore!
What the fuck? What the fuck?
- I don't...
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Come on, come on!
- I told you they were running low.
- Shoot her again!
- ( sparking )
( panting )
- Okay. At least we got her.
- Okay. Yeah.
Leaving us the small
issue of getting C2 back.
All right, let's get
her over the edge.
Wait. We have got the one thing
in the world that C2 cares about.
We need to set a
trap, make him jealous.
If C2 thinks that E2
is, you know, into me,
then he'll come straight to us.
It'll never work. She's
deprogrammed now.
She's fucking feral.
She won't do it.
- If only we had an obedient E2.
- I have an idea.
Yeah, help me get her
to the Jeep. Come on.
Aw, shit!
- ( both grunting )
- We need E3.
- E3?
- Go get her.
What are you even talking...
E3? I've never heard that.
- Zach.
- Uh, who is E3?
Zach and I used
to work together,
and I think it's fair to say
that he was attracted to me.
Obsessed even.
No, it was, like,
barely a crush.
- Puppy love.
- Which led to him breaking into my home
and installing a
camera in my bathroom.
You dirty bastard.
All I did was watch
her brush her teeth.
- Mm.
- So I gave him a choice.
I could call the cops
or he could build
me a robot double.
We, uh, negotiated,
and I also agreed to
letting him build a triple,
E3, for his personal use.
I mean, don't get me wrong...
Creepy as fuck. But great.
We have an obedient
E2. Where is she?
- Well, she's broke.
- Oh, bullshit. Go and get her.
- What?
- We need her to make out with Charles
while FaceTiming C2
because he'll think that she's E2,
he'll get jealous, and that's
how we lure him back here.
- He wouldn't fall for that.
- Just let us try it!
- No!
- Zach, don't you forget
that you are as much
in the shit as we are.
So unless you have a
different genius idea...
Charles: Chop, chop.
It's, like, crazy,
'cause I'm older
and they're younger,
and they're bossing me around?
- Holy shit.
- Oh, dear.
It might be kind of fun to
introduce you to some new friends.
You are never allowed
to tell anyone about this.
You're gonna love
this. I'm gonna love it.
Hi. I'm Elaine.
What? No, no, no. I am Elaine.
You gotta straighten
that shit out immediately.
Okay. Honey, I'm gonna have
to change your name, okay?
So I'm gonna call you E3.
E2. She needs to be called E2.
Oh, right, 'cause your
stupid fucking plan. Okay.
Your name is E2.
Who gives a shit?
Hi, I'm E2 Who Gives a Shit.
I see you've taken her
brain and put it in her bra.
She looks kind of
dopey. Is she all right?
- Zach: She's perfect.
- You've been a really dirty boy today.
I think I should probably
clean your dirty bits and pieces.
- Oh! No.
- Oh, God, I'm gonna puke.
No, come on up. Come on up.
We don't wanna that,
Elaine... I mean, E2.
We got guests, and we
wanna be good hosts.
That's us time. That's
when it's two, not four.
E2, from now on, Charles here,
this is the guy that
you want, okay?
Not Zach.
( sighs )
( groans ) Just do it.
Okay.
Hi, Charles. Do you want
a little spanky-wanky?
Okay, yeah. I'm good
for spanky-wanks.
- You got 20 minutes.
- Jesus.
And the safe word is "Kanye."
Charles: Right. Just slow down.
We want you to make a video.
Oh, I've made so
many videos before.
Oh, God. Yes, of
that I have no doubt.
( Western music playing )
( phone vibrating )
- E2.
- It's Charles.
Where is E2?
She's with me right now.
Hi, C2, everything's fine here.
You can come and get me.
That's Elaine. I want to see E2.
Damn, you're smart. I'll have
you know that E2's here as well,
- and she's doing just great.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, E2. Spanky-wanky time.
Oh, another Charles,
just like my baby boy.
- What have you done to her?
- We're at Zach's.
He tweaked her
brain a little bit,
made her a little more fun.
No. That's not possible.
Trust me, E2 has
become a lot more friendly.
- E3: I want you now.
- Charles: Oh!
- No!
- Both: Bye, C2.
( Western music playing )
We're on track.
Now we just need to get the
gun ready for when he gets here.
Jesus! Okay.
- I guess we just wait.
- We're done now. Thank you.
Okay, that's enough.
Thanks. You can leave.
Weird.
Okay. Right.
We should set some
positions for an ambush.
- You keep lookout. I'll take the door.
- Yeah.
Oh, not you again.
Okay, yeah. We're done now.
Hey, we're all good, okay?
Shoo.
- Get her off of you.
- I'm trying.
You're not trying that hard.
Ah, nope. Nope, nope.
She's strong.
She's clearly
programmed to initiate.
Initiate? She's
trying to rape me!
- Use the safe word.
- Kanye.
Yeezus! Vice President West!
- ( zipper unzips )
- Get Zach! Ye! Ye!
- Ye! Ye!
- Zach, she's not listening!
- ( knocking on door )
- Ooh, lordy
- Trouble so hard
- Elaine: Zach!
- Ooh, lordy, trouble
so hard - Zach!
Kanye! Yeezy! Yeezus!
Stop it!
Does Charlie want a pinky-winky?
No, not the pinky! Zach!
Don't call me lonesome
Lonesome or blue as can be
Holy shit. This motherfucker.
Sheriff? Sheriff!
Aw, fuck.
Zach, she's out of control!
Zach!
Ugh, maybe I should
just let this happen.
No! No!
( all grunting )
- Stop. No.
- Come here!
Get off me! Zach!
- ( grunting )
- Okay!
20 minutes is up!
- Zach.
- Kanye.
Why didn't you
say the safe word?
- We fucking did.
- Like 20,000 times.
- You're supposed to say it in my voice.
- What?
Zach: You know, if you
monsters will excuse us,
I have to give Elaine
a nice bubble bath.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
Oh, Charles, could
you get dressed?
I lost a sock.
And one of my testicles.
- ( laughs )
- It's not funny.
- It's kind of funny.
- No, it is not.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, as long as I never
have to see a robot
double of you again.
( Elaine gasps ) Fuck.
- ( muffled grunting )
- No.
- ( wheels screeching )
- ( clattering )
( E2 mumbling, grunting )
- Elaine: It's him.
- Charles: Zach's gun.
I'm sorry, C2.
I don't really have a choice.
Huh?
It's a fucking paintball gun.
What?
- My darling.
- C2!
Your wedding dress is
everything I imagined and more.
- ( siren wailing )
- The cops.
( siren chirps )
( muttering )
Belen Police. Oh, shit.
Are you seeing this, Chavez?
Boss, I don't know what this is.
Sheriff: On your knees!
Hands on your heads,
fingers interlocked.
Wow.
This is big.
Even bigger than the doorbell
camera butthole flasher.
I'm for sure gonna be on
multiple true crime podcasts.
But, boss...
Boss, it was me
who discovered the...
( cell door opens )
So, what I'm struggling to
understand is how identical twins
came to have
identical fingerprints.
Far as I can see, there's
only one explanation.
Two of y'all are
robot "fac-sea-miles."
It's actually
pronounced "facsim..."
Uh, sorry, you were saying?
Whichever of you are
humans, enjoy this cell.
It's the nicest one you're
gonna see for the next 40 years.
And for you robots in
here, say your good-byes.
The only way you'll
see each other again
is if you're recycled in the
same Bud Light six-pack.
I'll be back in the morning
with some Federal Robot
Enforcement agents.
( cell door slams )
I'm heading home to polish
my badge and boots, Chavez.
This time tomorrow,
I'll be on Fox News.
A hero.
I can't believe we're
actually eating jail food.
Don't worry.
You're not missing out on much.
We're robots.
There are many
things we don't need.
Food, sleep, oxygen.
We're glorified appliances
built to live our
lives as slaves.
E2: Alone.
At least, that's
what we thought...
until we met, fell in love.
Something we didn't
even think was possible.
You told us thousands
of times love isn't real.
It's a delusional state
that only ends in misery.
E2: But we realized
you're wrong.
Love is real, and it's
the cure to misery.
You're humans.
That's what you do.
You sabotage your own happiness.
We would rather die
as robots with love
than live our lives like you,
humans without it.
Jesus.
We've been such fucking idiots.
Yeah.
None of it matters
anymore though.
It's all over.
What are you doing?
I'd like my phone call, please!
I want to speak to my lawyer.
- One quick call.
- Thank you.
- I'll be listening.
- Good.
Mm-hmm.
Hello?
It's Charles Cameron.
I've been arrested.
I'm at Belen Sheriff's Office.
Just do whatever you can.
Thank you very much, Mr. Ninja.
Mr. F. Ninja.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Mr. F-A-T Ninja. Yes.
- Okay, thank you.
- Come on. Let's go.
My lawyer's a bit old.
He gets quite confused.
Our lives are in
the hands of a man
that I am pretty
sure is illiterate.
( phone ringing )
Belen Sherriff's
Office, Deputy Chavez.
Ashley: I need to file a report.
I gotta a 7-11 in
progress at the 10-65.
Sorry, scratch that. Reverse it.
A 10-65 at the
7-11 in Santa Lucy.
We got four suspects armed,
but here's where it gets weird.
- They're all identical.
- What do you mean?
Pretty certain
they're robots, ma'am.
Okay, thank you for
reporting this, mister...
Lieutenant Alex
Mason, Seal Team 7.
Well, thank you for your
service, Lieutenant Mason.
Listen, I'm on my way, okay?
Please do not
confront the suspects.
Godspeed, deputy. In Q we...
Fuck him. You got this, Chavez.
Charles: Yes! Ashley!
Go, go, go.
Keys.
Hey, Charles, can I get a word?
I'm C2.
Hey, Charles, you know you
don't have to go to Mexico.
I could always just kill
those robots for you.
Yeah, thanks, Ashley,
but I think we're gonna cross
the border together, my friend.
- We really should go.
- Ashley: I get it, sir.
- Good-bye, Elaine.
- E2: Oh, I'm E2.
God damn it.
Elaine, I won't forget you.
- And good luck in Mexico.
- Charles: Thanks, Ashley.
- I'll get rid of the evidence.
- Good work, soldier.
Thank you, sir.
( music playing )
Not far till freedom.
How are you planning to use it?
Well, first of all, we'd
like to get married.
Hopefully without
interruptions this time.
Then I'd like to
learn to scuba dive.
In case someone tries to
throw you in a lake again?
We can learn together.
Get a little house on the beach.
- Mm.
- What about you two?
Oh, I don't know.
Probably check myself into
rehab for purse addiction.
Will you see each other?
See each other?
Uh, you mean, like...
- As friends.
- Oh, right. Yeah.
- Yeah. I mean, you know...
- Of course. We're friends.
Charles: Yeah, I mean, she's gonna
want me hanging around me all the time.
Yeah, he's not gonna want me
hanging around all the time either,
so we'll just see each other
when we see each other.
Yes.
Mexico.
Here's to new beginnings.
( music continues )
- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.
( sighs )
( beeps, buzzes )
Sorry, entry is not granted.
- What do you mean?
- Sorry, entry is not granted.
What? Do it again.
Is it charged? Is it on?
Try it again. Try this eye.
Sorry, entry is not granted.
What's happening?
I don't... E2 and I have
identical retina scans.
- Charles: Please, can you just let her through?
- ( siren wailing )
Robot: Sorry,
entry is not granted.
Elaine: Just stop
fucking saying that.
- Come on.
- Sorry, entry is not granted.
Charles: I can't even
bribe the bastard.
He won't make an exception.
He's programmed not to.
( siren wailing )
- Go.
- But you'll be arrested.
The woman you love
and who loves you
is waiting for you...
and I'm not leaving Elaine.
Now go. You're still my
robot. That's an order.
Good-bye, my friend.
Thanks for showing
me how to be a human.
Good-bye, Charles.
Thank you.
- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.
You stupid cunt.
( siren wailing )
Hey!
Hands in front of you now
where I can see 'em!
Now!
( beeps )
( beeps )
- Humans.
- Beats an eye poke test.
All right, where are they?
Both of your hands
out. You're under arrest.
You're going away
for a long time.
Hang on. What exactly are
they being arrested for, Sheriff?
Well, having robot
"fac-sea-miles," obviously.
And where's your evidence?
Do you have videos,
prints, mugshots?
No, no. They blew up my jail.
- Agent: Let's go.
- Sheriff: No, no, no, no.
You are an idiot.
Never call me again.
We're out of here.
So, I, uh... I guess
we're not going to jail
for the rest of our lives?
It would seem so.
So what do you want to do now?
This.
( cheering )
My darlings, congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.
- Thanks, Mum.
- But where'd you go?
We thought you'd got cold feet.
Oh, no, we just...
Just wanted a little bit
of quiet time together
before the chaos of the wedding.
Oh, honey, lovely.
Oh, God. What
happened to Ted Jr.?
Mother: Oh, it's his allergy.
Some asshole put Nutella
in the Wagyu sliders.
Be right back.
Oh, poor little Teddy
with his fat little face.
Oh, do you see
his big little ear?
( no audible dialogue )
Schulman. Good evening, sir.
I gather that you met
my wife Kiki yesterday.
I did, and she actually
grabbed my ass
pretty aggressively, sir.
- You're fired.
- I know.
Best day of my life.
( music playing )
Who says that when a womanizer
and a gold-digger get together
things wouldn't turn out
well for either of them?
Hey, lovebirds! You
miss your robots yet?
- Shut up.
- Sorry.
Been in the bathroom doing blow
with some guy named David Schulman.
He offered me a
job as an architect.
- Both: What?
- Whatever the fuck that is.
- I mean...
- Hey, let's fucking party, huh?
- Where did you find him?
- I have no idea.
Something in the middle
Of the side of the store
Got your attention
and asked for more
I was excited to
be part of your world
To belong, to be lost
To be mostly the two of us
Something I was stealing
For no reason at all
They hang me
higher than a disco ball
But you talked them
into letting me go
It's no Picasso,
Michelangelo
Something 'bout
the jewels you wear
Shiny, shiny
bangles on your wrists
And at the masquerade ball
You feel trapped in a
vault, in an empty aquarium
If suddenly you're
out of the woods
Then inside of an
alley, you're out of words
Well, I thought it
was radium at first
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no one else
to blame for us two
Some things, they don't
matter, till they matter to you
They stole that money
from a homeless girl
The truth, we're
all to blame
Their lies and
moral consequences
We started at
the end of the line
To end up giving up
to a couple, who cares?
When you talked
me into letting you go
No more coral on the atoll
Something about
how hard you learned
Kamikaze in a hopeless world
Do you remember the
last time you laughed
And I laughed, and
you left, and I left
Send me on the lonely
other side of the world
With a couple of
guys and no alphabet
Put two and two together
We'll make it last forever
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no else
to blame for us two
( vocalizing )
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
Is it so bad?
Is it so true?
Is it still you?
Just because of you
These things I
have to go through
It's more than
that, we're chained
There's no else
to blame for us two
( music playing )
( music continues )