Rockula (1990) Movie Script
1
- Hi.
Hi.
' Ah!
- Ralph.
This place is a mess.
- Mom, I'm trying to practice.
- Well honey could you do me a favor
and lock up tonight?
I got a date with a very nice man.
- Who is it this time mom?
- Well I'm not sure yet but I will know
him when I see him.
Oh.
I always forget.
- Mom, I've always meant to ask you,
how do you put your makeup on?
- Practice.
- Ralphie, how do I look?
- You look great, mom.
- 00o, that's why I love my Ralphie.
My boy, my boy, mama boy.
- Hey Ralph-
Ralphie.
- What do you want?
- Come here and talk to me.
How's it hangin'?
- Is that all you wanted?
To ask me, "How's it hangin'?"
- Come on Ralphie, I'm worried about you.
A couple of hours it's
gonna be Friday the 13th.
Let me guess, you have a headache, right?
- Right, and a sore throat, too.
- And you think you're
coming down with the flu
or something really serious, right?
- Right, I just can't go
through with this again.
- Let me see your tongue.
Come on.
Nah, it doesn't look too bad.
Is that a new retainer?
- Yeah, it hurts like heck.
- I'm sorry.
I know, this legend thing is tough.
Let's take a moment and reflect.
Reflect!
Get it?
Mirror, reflect.
God, I kill myself.
- Reflect, real funny.
Sometimes I really hate that guy.
What am I saying?
He's me.
I guess that means I hate myself.
Why am I confused?
Vampires are so misunderstand.
- Well you gotta admit, they
got a bloodthirsty reputation.
- Do I look bloodthirsty?
I can't stand the sight of
blood, I swear, I faint.
- What about garlic?
- I cook with it all the time.
It's good for colds.
Did you know that?
- Let me see if I can get this straight.
Around the middle of
the 16th century, you--
- 17th, right?
- Right.
- Whenever.
A long time ago.
You met this girl, you fell in love.
But there was a problem,
she had a boyfriend.
- A pirate.
- A pirate?
- Pirate.
- Whatever.
Now, she loved you, right?
So you were gonna slip off, get married,
when old peg leg finds out, has a shit fit
and comes after you.
- Pissed as hell.
- I just established his mental state.
So there's a fight.
Peg leg loses his sword
and what's her name
gets killed by a blow to
the head with a ham bone?
- Mona.
Her name was Mona.
- Whatever.
You tried to save her,
but what could you do
in the face of 20 pissed
off pirate friends
of peg leg's, who were going to turn you
into bat meat and so you beat it.
- He escaped
by the skin of his teeth.
- Right.
And since she was killed before you could
fulfill your preordained lot--
- Before he could give
her that final, fatal kiss
and turn her into a vampire.
- Whatever.
She is now reincarnated every 22 years
until you two can get it right, right?
- Right.
- And so tomorrow you are gonna meet her
as you've done every 22 years,
you'll fall in love,
and unless you save her,
this crazed pirate with a
rhinestone peg leg will kill her.
- On Halloween.
- You got it.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna do what I
should have done years ago.
I'm gonna lock myself in my room
and avoid this whole thing.
- Well, you're not gonna meet her?
- You're not gonna fall in love?
- She's better off without me.
- Man, that dude's sure got the blues.
Mm mm mm.
- He just ran out in front of us.
- Look he's moving.
- Are you alright?
- Oh god, Mona.
- Why don't you watch where you're going?
I could have, how did you know my name?
- I don't know your name.
You don't know my name.
Just pretend this never happened, okay?
- It never would have
happened if you hadn't
jumped out in front of my car.
I hope for your sake
my gear isn't crashed.
- Just forget you ever saw
me, okay, 'cause the next
thing you know, we're
gonna go out on a date
and we're gonna fall in love
and then some crazy pirate's
gonna peg with you a ham bone.
- HEY-
You forgot your hat.
- What a weirdo.
- What?
- You ran away from her didn't you?
- For your information,
I didn't just run away,
I had a plan.
- Really?
And what was that?
- I ran, I left, so she
doesn't get involved with me.
She doesn't get involved with
me, we don't fall in love,
she doesn't die, get it?
- Make a left at MIT, Einstein.
- It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy.
This happens every 22 years so that means
in the last 400 years, I
have met, fallen in love,
and lost Mona 14.5 times.
- Talk about coitus interuptus.
- And every time it gets worse.
This time, no way, forget it.
- That's right.
Forget it, just forget
the fact that we are
the oldest living virgins
walking the planet.
- What are you talking about?
You are the biggest slut I know.
Every time I see you
with a different girl.
- They mean nothing to me, Ralph.
It's Mona.
I want you to get Mona.
That means I get out of
this crazy mirror thing.
It's like a prison in here, Ralph.
Everything's backwards.
- I knew it, I knew it.
This is about you, this
is always about you.
- Wrong, Ralphfalfa.
It's about you.
Because any way you look at it,
she's got two weeks 'til
she bites the big one.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
I was just thinking
about the accident and--
- Did somebody say accident?
- Yeah.
We had an accident.
- Just set it up over there.
What kind of an accident?
None of my equipment's damaged, I hope.
You know, I got a hell
of a deal on this stuff.
When you're working with a guy like me,
that's what we're talking, deals.
Let me just show you this little gizmo.
This is the most amazing device.
It samples anything from babies crying
to dogs barking.
Hey, what's the matter with this thing?
It wasn't this that got broken, was it?
- Broken?
- In the accident.
- Stanley, it's not broken.
Besides, it was a car accident.
We're trying to rehearse.
- Car accident?
Nobody killed I hope.
Hit it boys.
Howdy folks, Stan "The Man' Wilson here
from Stanley's Deathpark
where we take the death
out of dying.
This Sunday marks our Heaven on Earth sale
and let's face it folks,
it's a sale that some of you
aren't going to miss.
Take a look at this baby,
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This week, yours for only $1995.
A little steep, do I hear you say?
Then how about going Dutch on our
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How do we do it?
Volume, volume, volume.
So, bring the family, come on
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Open 12 to 12 for your
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See ya here.
Listen, I directed it myself, you know?
So, uh, what do you think, angel cakes?
- I thought it was kind of cute.
- Ralphie, is that you?
- Drat.
Hi, mom.
- It's about time you got home.
I was getting worried about you, honey.
Could you give me a hand with this?
- Sure.
You been here long?
- Oh, Heaven's no.
I've been here, I mean,
we've been here, for hours.
- Who's we?
- I've almost located the Spanish galleon.
It's close.
I can feel it.
- Great, Jacques Cousteau.
- Just follow that trail
of deblooms, Big Al.
Ah.
Big Al, this is my brother, Ralph.
- Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis.
- I'm Little Ralph Levee.
- So what's your game Little Ralph?
- Game?
- Yeah, what do you do?
- I'm a vampire.
You make me sick.
- What?
I'm clean.
This is, no, not now, no.
1--
- I'll deal with you later.
I was just going to bed mom,
could you hit the light?
- In a minute.
So.
Tell me about your night.
- There's nothing to tell.
- Come on, honey, I know what day it is.
You met her, didn't you?
- I didn't meet her.
I told you, I've had it with
the legend ruining my life
every 22 years.
- Ralphie, where's your hat?
- I must have lost it in the car acc--
Card, card game.
I lost it in a card game, mom.
- Well, okay.
It's your legacy.
You can do anything you want with it.
But whether you've met her or not,
that poor girl is gonna die in two weeks
unless you do something about it.
Honey.
Go to sleep.
- HEY-
' No!
- HEY-
- Is it true that you've
forsaken your legacy
and the girl of your dreams?
- What?
No.
- Ralph, what are you doing?
Ralph, answer me.
- I'm gonna find her.
- And do what?
- What do you think?
I'm gonna save her.
- Yeah, I've heard that song before.
- No, no, it's different.
I just have this feeling
that if I don't save her
this time, I'm gonna lose her forever.
You're no exactly playing
major league ball now.
What are you?
Zero for fourteen.
Oh excuse me, is it 15 now?
- You're a total
dick you know that?
- You're gonna go out in the sunlight?
- I'm protected.
- Brave man.
How you gonna find her?
- She's in a band.
How hard could she be to find?
- Ralph, there must be 15,000
bands in the tri-state area.
That's a lot of ground.
How are you gonna cover it?
- I'm a vampire, I'll fly.
- No, no, no!
Ow! OW! ow, ow, ow.
- I think I'll take the bus.
- What a loser.
Hey Ralphie, you wanna play some hoop?
Have you seen a yellow
brick road around here?
- Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
- What do you mean?
- I mean, maybe I wasn't
meant to find Mona.
Maybe this is just some
sort of karmic debt
I'm Paving off.
Maybe my first instincts were right.
Maybe I should just forget
about this whole thing
and join a monastery.
But, what about Mona?
What sort of everlasting
hell am I damning her to?
Mai/be, no, yeah, no.
I should be strong.
I'll be strong.
- HEY-
Would you make up your mind?
I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here.
That's better.
I wonder if, uh...
Ralph, would you look at the size of this?
- Oh Christ, would you
put that thing away?
Listen.
If you were meant to find Mona, you will.
If you weren't you won't, so relax.
See what I mean?
- Oh my god,
That's him.
- That's who?
Where?
- Stay here.
Who are you?
- I'm Ralph.
I like your music.
It's kind of wild, kind of now, kind of--
- Why are you following me?
- I'm not following you.
- Yes you are.
- Okay, I'm following you.
I'm a big fan of yours from way back.
- Who are you?
- I told you, I'm Ralph--
- No, I mean, what do you do?
Are you a musician?
- YES.
- Do you have a band?
0" do YOU play by yourself?
- Um, yes.
- Yes, what?
- Yes, I have a band.
- What's the name?
- The name.
- Of the band.
- Um.
We haven't decided yet.
- Oh, um, well what kind of music?
- Well the music, we're
not sure yet what it is.
- Well,
do YOU play around?
- Excuse me?
- Your band, are you
playing any gigs anywhere?
-- Gigs, yes, all the time,
lt's amazing, yeah, yeah.
- You are very strange, Ralph.
- Mona, darling, I've got
some terribly important people
just dying to meet you.
Will you excuse us?
- Yeah.
- Um, it was so nice to see you again.
Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.
- Maybe.
- Who is that twerp?
- Hey hey little man.
Can I help ya?
- No, I'm enjoying this party--
- Hey, what's this?
Ouch!
- Bounce him.
- Now let me get this straight.
You decided to find her.
- And once you found her?
- I turned into a blithering idiot.
There was a moment there,
when she was onstage,
and our eyes locked,
it was like time stood still, you know?
What is wrong with me?
I am a musician, and a
pretty darn good one at that.
- So, what happened?
- Let's face it, I don't
have what it takes.
How can I save her if I
can't even talk to her?
"Maybe I'll see your
band sometime" she says.
What a joke.
- Why don't you--
- Why don't you--
Start my own band.
- You're doing what?
Starting a rock band?
A vampire in a rock band.
What are you going to call it?
Rockula?
- Rockula?
- Rockula.
- Like, um,
'cause just like my psychic says,
death, right, is just a
stepping stone to rebirth.
I mean, I think it was
Nietzsche that said I'm just
"Living to die and dying to live."
- Nietzsche said that?
- Yeah, you know, Johnny Nietzsche,
in that band, uh, Marvin
Gandhi and the Monkeyshines.
New age reggae.
- You're such a dork, Stanley.
- You take that back.
- Okay -.
You're an egotistical,
pseudo-intellectual,
money grubbing slut.
- I'll buy that.
- Hey!
Thank you!
I'm Ted Brady, this is Club
Hell, thanks for coming, kids.
You kids, you kids, are rock 'n roll,
you are the rock 'n roll,
and this kid is Rockula.
- Some chow mein and a bowl
of steamed rice, please.
Thank you.
- Where's Mona?
- Rockula, that sounds
of yours is just great.
- I saw you rock, man, I
want my sick gloves back.
- Killer lesson.
- Totally styling.
- Hey dude, move your gear.
- I'm still trying to figure out
where I know you from.
You seem so familiar to me.
Maybe it was a past life.
- What?
- Relax, that was just a joke.
- Listen, do
you believe in vampires?
- That's very funny, Ralph.
Well.
Well this is it.
Thank you for walking me home.
- Would you like to see me again?
- YES.
Tomorrow?
- Qkay.
- Qkay.
Good night.
- Where is that
guy when you need him?
- Hey Mr. Rockstar.
- Where have you been?
- Well you're not the only
one that can start a band.
SQ?
- So, what?
- So what's she like?
- Oh.
She's great.
It was really worth the wait this time.
- Groovy.
So did you get anY?
- Any what?
- You know, muff, nookie, poontang.
- You are so crass, is that
all you ever think about?
- Listen Ralph, I don't
have a love life of my own
so I wanna share in yours.
Now, start from the
beginning and be graphic.
- Forget it.
- You didn't score, did you?
- Knock it off!
She did kiss me, though.
- Really?
Was it?
- Unbelievable.
- Slip her the tongue?
- It was on the cheek.
- Loser!
- You never stop.
Bye mom, I'll see you later.
- Well don't you look cute
and where are you going?
- Out.
- With who?
- Friends.
- And when will you back?
- Later.
- You met her, didn't you?
- Duh, mom.
- Oh, honey, I'm so happy.
- You're crushing my suit.
- Oh, we're gonna have to
have her over for dinner.
- I'd rather not do that right now, mom.
- Oh, you're ashamed of your mother!
That's it, isn't it?
- No, that's not.
That's not it.
It's that she's gonna be in of a big shock
when I tell her and I
wanna break it to her easy,
by myself.
I'm not ashamed of you, mom.
I love you.
- Oh.
I must look a mess.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
of course you're right.
But promise me you won't elope.
Because I want a big wedding.
- Of course.
And you're not a mess.
You look better than most
women a 10th your age.
- I know.
You're a dear.
I honestly don't know what
I'd do without my boy.
Now what are you standing there for?
Now you go off and you have a good time.
And you give Mona a big
kiss from mommy.
- O kaY/ bye'
- Oh.
- But what struck me
the most were his eyes.
I mean, they almost seemed
haunted, didn't they?
- You wanna know what happened that day?
Egon was married to this
girl, Mary or Maddie,
I can't believe I forgot her name.
anyway-
He had this girl posing for him.
She was 16, she was
gorgeous, she was beautiful.
They started shacking up.
And the day that Mary found out,
she walked in on them
and was gonna tell Egon
that she was pregnant.
- Well did she leave him?
- No, god, she was like
this glutton for punishment.
- Ralph.
How do you know about all this?
- I don't know, why?
- You were talking about
it as, I don't know,
almost as if you had
been there or something.
- That was like over 100 years ago.
I couldn't have been, I read
it, in art class, that's it.
- Oh.
You're a good story teller Ralph.
- Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for ya.
- I see a girl.
Her name is, uh, Mona?
- Yeah, right, right, my girlfriend.
I mean my ex-girlfriend.
- Oh.
I see her with another man.
- That little twerp.
- You should not call
people names, Stanley.
- Yeah, right, sorry.
- She thinks she loves him, but she really
loves you, Stanley.
- Really?
- YES.
But she is under his spell.
' Spell?
- Spell, Stanley, for
this is no ordinary man.
He is a vampire.
- A vampire?
- A vampire, Stanley.
Yours is no ordinary destiny.
- I knew it.
- Don't interrupt.
It is your destiny to save Mona.
- Yes, but, how can I do it?
- Stanley, your business is death,
your life is death, your destiny is death.
You must kill her, Stanley.
' Yes?
- YES.
And then she will be all yours.
- I could mount and stuff her.
- She will be your sleeping princess.
- YES.
Yes, I see it.
I could freeze her, cryogenically.
- Oh.
I suppose it would work.
- She'll be mine.
All mine forever.
When do I do it?
- It must be down on Halloween.
- Right.
- But there is one catch, though.
You must dress as a pirate.
- A pirate?
- A pirate.
With a rhinestone peg leg.
- A rhinestone peg leg?
A rhinestone peg leg.
- And you must dispatch
her with a ham bone.
- Ambone?
Okay, okay, okay, a ham bone.
- Yo, Yo, Yo, yo, Hans,
what's up, what's up?
Oh not much, you know,
I've just been hangin'
with Yolanda and Dee.
Kick it!
- You were great.
- Ralphie?
Oh, there's my boy.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Oh, Ralph, I am so proud of you.
Your little band was fantastic.
- Mom.
- And you must be Mona.
Oh.
Look how pretty you are this time.
- Yes, yes, she is.
Uh, Mona, this is my mother.
- Hi.
It is so nice to meet you.
- Meet me?
No, no, dear, the pleasure's all mine.
Oh, just me look at you.
Oh, it's so nice to see the
two of you together again.
- Excuse me?
- Uh yeah, well we have to be going.
- Oh well I won't keep you,
but we must have Mona over for dinner.
- Mom.
- I would love to.
- Mona.
- Thursday night?
- Can't Thursday night,
Mona's video is premiering.
- Well we could go after.
- After?
- Thursday night it is then.
- I can't believe this.
- Well I have to run now.
I have a meeting with my ladies' social.
It's pistol range night
and I'm really getting
much better at this.
Practice, practice, practice.
- Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore?
Oh!
It's raining cats and dogs!
I just stepped in a poodle!
- I feel like I've known you forever.
I think the rain is stopping.
Wow.
What was that?
- I don't know, but it
was definitely beautiful.
- That
was Mona and the premiere
of By My Side here on Slack TV.
Coming up...
- You were wonderful.
- Thank you honey.
- Both of you.
- Well the kids were Mona's idea.
- Don't be so modest, Ralph.
- Listen, Mona, about dinner
with my mother tonight.
I don't think it's a very good idea.
- Why not?
- In fact, I think it's time
I start my own record label,
you know, Morgue Music
or maybe Death Records.
Or just RIP, it's sort of
catchy, don't you think?
Mona, just terrific.
Congratulations, the both of you.
- Thank you.
Um, Stanley, why are you
wearing garlic around your neck?
- Oh.
This is in honor of Ralph
here, I should I say Rockula?
It's pretty pungent,
wouldn't you say, Ralphie?
- Smells great, I love garlic.
- Yes, you might say
I have a stake in what
happens to you.
I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off
like a bat out of hell.
The world is full of bloodsuckers
and I would hate for
anything to happen to you.
Have you ever seen one of these before?
- YES.
18th Century, right?
- 19th, actually.
- Excuse me, I'm gonna use your bathroom.
- Okay sure.
- There's things about this
guy that you don't understand.
- Stanley, I think that you
are under a lot of stress.
- He knows, the jig's up.
- Who knows?
What jig?
- Stanley, somehow
he knows that I'm a...
- You're a vampire?
- YES.
- So why don't you get rid of him
in the time honored tradition?
- What the hell is that?
- Bite him, man.
Bite him, and watch him die
a slow, agonizing death.
Come on, it's the way
vampires always get rid
of those Van Helsing types.
- That's in the movies.
Besides, you remember
vampires always lose.
- Yeah, but they always look
so cool stalking the halls.
I just love that.
- If Stanley knows, what's
stopping him from telling Mona?
- So he tells her, you tell
her, what's the difference?
What's the matter?
Ashamed of who you are?
- YES.
No, no, I mean, I don't
know, it's not that easy.
- Ralph?
- Pressure's on, pressure's
on, what you gonna do?
Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke.
- Shut up and let me think.
- Ralph?
- I'm gonna tell her.
- Everything? Even the you-know-what?
- Everything.
- Bad idea, man, bad idea.
- Shh.
- Uh, Ralph.
Who are you talking to?
- Uh no one, myself.
Well, sort of, I'll explain later.
Mona, we're having dinner at my mother's.
- That's what I like about you Ralph.
You're so decisive.
- Attention.
Could I have your attention please?
Qy!
I have a little premiere of my own.
Mmm, that mantra felt good.
Hi, I'm Stanley, your
guide into the other world.
Here at Stanley's Deathpark,
we believe in a holistic,
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the passing on process.
Just take a look at our new
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Secretary forget to remind
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The XK2000 is perfect for
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Mmm, just smell those chlamydias.
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Miss that nagging loved one?
No longer with the Recorder 6000,
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- Harold, have
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Was it you who left the toilet seat up?
My mother was right.
- Better than a wool hair
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Realistic?
Don't take my word for it.
- It's been three years since
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But with Recorder 6000, I have yet to miss
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- Thank you Elmo, that was lovely.
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- Get out.
- That was the best bit.
- Stanley, I have been working
my entire life for tonight,
and you come and make a joke out of it?
- Mona.
You.
You did it to me, you fiend.
- You alright?
- Yes I'm fine, really.
- Stanley is in love with you.
- I know.
It wasn't just Stanley.
Ralph, I was watching the
video and suddenly I thought,
"Is this what I have been
working for my entire life?
"Three minutes, that's it?
"Just three minutes?"
It just seemed so unimportant.
So temporary.
Ralph.
You--
- Before you say what I
think you're gonna say,
there's something you've gotta know.
- Hi kids.
- Mom, we were talking.
- The legacy?
- Mom.
- The legacy?
- It's nothing, it's,
nevermind, it's not important.
What's for dinner?
- Hello dear.
- Mrs. Levee, this is
a beautiful home you have.
- Oh thank you dear, but
please call me Phoebe.
Of course, this is nothing like the
palatial chateau that we had when we were
in the south of France, is it Ralph?
- I didn't know you lived in France?
- You didn't?
Of course you did.
When was that Ralphie?
The 16th or the 17th century?
I don't remember.
Oh, my pet Napoleon, mm,
could he throw a party.
I was his favorite, you know.
- Mom.
- And Mona, your father, the king, was he,
the most handsome man and you
were the cutest little thing.
- MOI!
What's for dinner?
- Meat and potatoes.
Who's askin'?
- Oh, Boom Boom.
Boom, oh!
O00, my son.
Ralphie, this is my son
Ralphie and his fiancee Mona.
Oh.
- His fiancee?
- The Boom Boom Williams?
The Terror of Tennessee?
- You got it, little fella.
And if you eat all your
vegetables, you'll grow up
to be big and strong just like me.
- I think we're a little late for that.
I don't know, about 300 years too late.
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Dinner is served.
And as for the father of our country,
well let me tell you,
he may have been hell
on the battlefield, but
in bed he was as wooden
as his teeth.
Those were tough and
lonely times for a woman.
Every day I get down on my hands and knees
and I thank my lucky
stars that I had my boy.
My Ralphie.
Ralphie.
- Baby, where would you
like your coffee served?
In here, or in the living room?
- In the living room, don't you think?
- Oh, whatever you say love cakes.
Introducing the fabulous,
the incomparable,
and the sexy,
Miss
Phoebe.
- My mom's kind of strange.
If you hadn't noticed.
- This whole night has
been kind of strange.
- Mona, pull over.
Oh great.
Mona?
Would you give up everything for me?
Your career, your friends, everything?
- Ralph, don't you think
that's a little bit radical?
I mean, maybe we should
date for a while first,
don't you think?
- I've given you a choice
and it has to be your choice.
- What are you talking about?
Ralph, where are you going?
Ralph, where are you going?
- Just follow me.
- Ralph, what is with you?
- Okay, you see these people?
They're dead, I'm not.
- I can see that, Ralph.
- But, I'm older.
- What?
- Mona, I'm a vampire.
- And I'm the Bride of Frankenstein.
- No seriously, Mona, it's the truth.
I'm not a bad vampire.
I am a bad vampire, I'm
not very good at it.
I don't bite people but I am a vampire.
- Ralph, this is a very common thing.
- It is?
- Yes, sure it is.
People begin to believe their
stage personas all the time.
- No, no, no, no, I don't
think I'm a vampire,
I really am a vampire.
- Prove it.
- Look.
Fangs, see?
- Well it's probably
something that just runs
in the family, Ralph.
Besides, I knew a girl
in the eighth grade,
she had bigger teeth than that.
She wasn't a vampire, Ralph.
You really should have
those filed down though.
- Okay, all that stuff
my mom was talking about
back at the house, it's all true.
Mona, you are 422 years old.
This is your 19th lifetime.
You always die on Halloween
night of your 22nd year.
' Ralph!
- Mona, we were lovers 400 years ago
and every 22 years since then,
and it always ends the same way.
- And how is that?
- You're killed by a pirate with a peg leg
wielding a gigantic ham bone.
- And then I'm reborn?
- Over and over.
- I think maybe you just
need some therapy, Ralph.
- Okay, you remember this?
You said you did back at the house.
- I do.
I remember that from somewhere.
- 1786.
- What?
- You owned it in 1786.
You wanna see what you looked like?
- I'm not sure.
- And here's you in 1918.
- Now wait a minute.
So that means that,
that you're--
- Yes.
- And that I'm--
- Yep.
- And that we're--
- You got it.
- Nah.
- Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Okay, I didn't wanna do this
but you leave me no choice.
Now watch close, I
haven't done this in years
and I'm not very good
at it so bear with me.
Hi.
Mona.
Mona, it's me.
Mona.
Mona.
- Stay away from me.
- It's okay, you react
like this every time.
Everything's okay, it's okay.
- No, no it isn't.
This is my fault.
I thought I could handle
this, I thought I was
more open-minded, but this.
This is just too much.
- No, no Mona it's okay,
all you have to do is make
it to All Saints Day.
- Stay away from me.
- Mona, you have no choice.
I love you, you love me.
If you don't listen to
me you're gonna die,
and we're gonna have to
do this all over again
in 22 years.
- I don't love you Ralph!
I don't!
- Mona!
Mona!
' No!
Ralph!
Ralph!
- Your move, numb nuts.
Ralph.
" Huh?
- Your move.
- I'm sorry.
I just can't concentrate.
- Thinkin' about tonight?
Where you goin'?
- Out.
- Well don't forget your retainer.
- I don't need that anymore.
- Well, are you quite sure?
No, I already have the
costume, what I want
is a rhinestone peg leg.
Yes, I know it's Halloween, goddammit.
Ugh!
What am I gonna do?
Hello?
Madam Ben Wa?
Hi, it's Stanley, the ham bone?
I'm working on it, but listen.
I have another little problem.
- Unbelievable.
- Another van will
be along in 10 minutes.
Sorry.
- What am I gonna do?
- Thanks.
Just one of those days, you know?
- Try one of those lifetimes.
- I'm really worried.
I haven't seen her for days.
- And Ralph, I haven't seen him either.
- Neither have I.
- I'm back!
- Madam Ben Wa, is that you?
Hello Madam Ben Wa.
I've got everything ready, the
liquid nitrogen, everything.
All I need is--
Wow.
Real rhinestones.
Do you think she's gonna
be here, Madam Ben Wa?
- Are you doubting Madam Ben Wa?
- Oh no, no, no, n0, O-
- Do I sense that you are
wavering from your destiny?
- No, Madam Ben Wa.
- Do you love Mona more than life itself?
- YES.
- Then you will save her from the vampire.
- Yes, Madam Ben Wa, yes, yes!
- You remember.
Before midnight!
- Suppose she
doesn't come on time.
- So you'll go on.
- I can't do that.
- Sure you can, you know that song.
I've heard you sing it.
Ham.
Who brought the sandwiches?
- I did.
What's the matter?
Too cooked for you, Mr. Vampire?
- What's your costume, Stanley?
- It's a secret.
- It wouldn't happen to
be a pirate, would it?
- What if it is?
- Lana, 10 minutes.
- Don't forget your peg leg, Stanley.
- God dammit!
- Did you find her?
- No sign of her yet.
- Stanley's disappeared.
He was here one minute and gone the next.
- Okay, let's go-
Raphael, you and Chuck stage
left, Axman stage right.
Be on the look out for
anyone in a pirate costume.
- What about Stanley?
- Leave Stanley to me.
- Club Hell presents Mona!
- It's up to you.
You can do it.
- I'm waiting for you my love.
I hope Madam Ben Wa was right.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
Mum!
Excuse me.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Are you okay?
- I just wanted to see
your little rock band play.
Is that too much for a mother to ask?
- Mona!
Mona!
- Ralph.
- Put me down, what are you doing?
Stanley!
- Mona!
- Sorry, man, we lost--
- It's not important,
we gotta find Mona.
We gotta split up, what time is it?
- Five to 12.
- I hope it's not too late.
- Come on then.
- Stanley.
What is going on?
- Destiny.
- Ouch!
Are you crazy?
Stanley, is that a ham bone?
- Well it ain't chopped liver.
- Ham bone.
Pirate.
Halloween.
Ralph!
- Damn.
- Hey, Ralph, what's the good word?
You save her yet?
- Stanley's got her and
they've disappeared.
' typical.
- What's typical?
- That the damsel's in
distress and you're caught
sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball
a day late and a dime short.
- Sometimes I really hate you.
- Oh, thanks a lot and I'm just
gonna tell you where she is.
- Where, where, where is she?
- But now I'm not going to.
- Tell me, where is she?
- Not until you apologize.
- I apologize!
- Who's your best friend
in the whole world?
I'm sorry, what, what, what, what, what?
I can't hear you.
- You are!
Tell me where she is!
- You go out that door, you make a left,
there's a access stairs.
Hm.
It's gonna be close.
- Why, Stanley, why?
- Because I love you, Mona.
We belong together.
- So you're gonna kill me?
- Well not exactly.
I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically
and then we'll be together forever.
' No!
- Drop the bone, Stanley.
- Make me.
- I don't make garbage.
I burn it.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Is that a ham bone Stanley?
- Why, yes, I think it is.
- Well that explains our
little backstage porkfest.
Nice touch with the peg leg.
Where did you get it?
- My psychic, Madam Ben Wa.
- They're nowhere in sight.
- Ralph just disappeared.
- Well we gotta find him,
it's almost midnight.
Tuty, is there another way out of here?
- YES.
There's a little door that
goes upstairs over there.
- Great!
- The girl is mine!
' Is not!
- IS tOO.
- Is not.
This time, the pirate loses.
All my life, I've been pushed
around by punks like you.
No one ever believed in me.
I never even believed in myself.
I spent centuries wallowing in self-pity.
I was such a weakling, I
couldn't even shake a cold.
The only person who believed
in me was my mother,
God bless her.
If it weren't for that woman--
- Oh Ralph, I'm sorry.
- Mom.
- Madam Ben Wa?
- Mrs. Levee?
- Madam Ben Wa?
' Mom?
- I thought I was doing the right thing
but now I know I was wrong.
- You mean you were behind
this the whole time?
- You were my little boy.
I didn't want you to leave home.
Now I know you're all grown up.
- You're in this together.
Die, vampire scum!
- Ralph!
- That was my mother you just boned.
- She was a traitor.
Nothing can stop me now.
' No!
Ralph!
- Not so fast, you leave
me no choice, Stanley.
Drop the ham bone, Stanley.
' Two, one.
You are now totally relaxed yet energized
in a beautiful and harmonious way.
Imagine the energy of the
universe coming in through
the top of your head and radiating out.
While gripping your
nine iron, inhale deeply
and mentally repeat these affirmations:
my nine iron is an extension of my penis.
My nine iron is an extension of my penis.
- I knew that would come in handy one day.
Mona, are you alright?
- You know the second
time around that bat thing
was kind of cute.
- Yowza, what happened here?
- It's after 12.
- You saved her.
- Yes!
Mom.
Come here.
- Oh.
Oh Ralphie.
Do you forgive me?
- Of course we forgive you.
- Oh, Ralphie!
- No hickies.
- Ralph?
Hey Ralph?
Ralph?
Where are you man?
Ralph!
Come on.
HEY, did you get her?
Ralph?
Come on, I'm ready, don't leave me.
Ral--
Okay, I'll wait, I'll wait.
Ralph! Where are you?
Ralph, come on, I'm locked in here!
Ralph!
Okay.
Okay, fine.
To hell with this.
Wow, it's deja vu.
- The return of the king!
I Say Yo, yo I
- Hi.
Hi.
' Ah!
- Ralph.
This place is a mess.
- Mom, I'm trying to practice.
- Well honey could you do me a favor
and lock up tonight?
I got a date with a very nice man.
- Who is it this time mom?
- Well I'm not sure yet but I will know
him when I see him.
Oh.
I always forget.
- Mom, I've always meant to ask you,
how do you put your makeup on?
- Practice.
- Ralphie, how do I look?
- You look great, mom.
- 00o, that's why I love my Ralphie.
My boy, my boy, mama boy.
- Hey Ralph-
Ralphie.
- What do you want?
- Come here and talk to me.
How's it hangin'?
- Is that all you wanted?
To ask me, "How's it hangin'?"
- Come on Ralphie, I'm worried about you.
A couple of hours it's
gonna be Friday the 13th.
Let me guess, you have a headache, right?
- Right, and a sore throat, too.
- And you think you're
coming down with the flu
or something really serious, right?
- Right, I just can't go
through with this again.
- Let me see your tongue.
Come on.
Nah, it doesn't look too bad.
Is that a new retainer?
- Yeah, it hurts like heck.
- I'm sorry.
I know, this legend thing is tough.
Let's take a moment and reflect.
Reflect!
Get it?
Mirror, reflect.
God, I kill myself.
- Reflect, real funny.
Sometimes I really hate that guy.
What am I saying?
He's me.
I guess that means I hate myself.
Why am I confused?
Vampires are so misunderstand.
- Well you gotta admit, they
got a bloodthirsty reputation.
- Do I look bloodthirsty?
I can't stand the sight of
blood, I swear, I faint.
- What about garlic?
- I cook with it all the time.
It's good for colds.
Did you know that?
- Let me see if I can get this straight.
Around the middle of
the 16th century, you--
- 17th, right?
- Right.
- Whenever.
A long time ago.
You met this girl, you fell in love.
But there was a problem,
she had a boyfriend.
- A pirate.
- A pirate?
- Pirate.
- Whatever.
Now, she loved you, right?
So you were gonna slip off, get married,
when old peg leg finds out, has a shit fit
and comes after you.
- Pissed as hell.
- I just established his mental state.
So there's a fight.
Peg leg loses his sword
and what's her name
gets killed by a blow to
the head with a ham bone?
- Mona.
Her name was Mona.
- Whatever.
You tried to save her,
but what could you do
in the face of 20 pissed
off pirate friends
of peg leg's, who were going to turn you
into bat meat and so you beat it.
- He escaped
by the skin of his teeth.
- Right.
And since she was killed before you could
fulfill your preordained lot--
- Before he could give
her that final, fatal kiss
and turn her into a vampire.
- Whatever.
She is now reincarnated every 22 years
until you two can get it right, right?
- Right.
- And so tomorrow you are gonna meet her
as you've done every 22 years,
you'll fall in love,
and unless you save her,
this crazed pirate with a
rhinestone peg leg will kill her.
- On Halloween.
- You got it.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna do what I
should have done years ago.
I'm gonna lock myself in my room
and avoid this whole thing.
- Well, you're not gonna meet her?
- You're not gonna fall in love?
- She's better off without me.
- Man, that dude's sure got the blues.
Mm mm mm.
- He just ran out in front of us.
- Look he's moving.
- Are you alright?
- Oh god, Mona.
- Why don't you watch where you're going?
I could have, how did you know my name?
- I don't know your name.
You don't know my name.
Just pretend this never happened, okay?
- It never would have
happened if you hadn't
jumped out in front of my car.
I hope for your sake
my gear isn't crashed.
- Just forget you ever saw
me, okay, 'cause the next
thing you know, we're
gonna go out on a date
and we're gonna fall in love
and then some crazy pirate's
gonna peg with you a ham bone.
- HEY-
You forgot your hat.
- What a weirdo.
- What?
- You ran away from her didn't you?
- For your information,
I didn't just run away,
I had a plan.
- Really?
And what was that?
- I ran, I left, so she
doesn't get involved with me.
She doesn't get involved with
me, we don't fall in love,
she doesn't die, get it?
- Make a left at MIT, Einstein.
- It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy.
This happens every 22 years so that means
in the last 400 years, I
have met, fallen in love,
and lost Mona 14.5 times.
- Talk about coitus interuptus.
- And every time it gets worse.
This time, no way, forget it.
- That's right.
Forget it, just forget
the fact that we are
the oldest living virgins
walking the planet.
- What are you talking about?
You are the biggest slut I know.
Every time I see you
with a different girl.
- They mean nothing to me, Ralph.
It's Mona.
I want you to get Mona.
That means I get out of
this crazy mirror thing.
It's like a prison in here, Ralph.
Everything's backwards.
- I knew it, I knew it.
This is about you, this
is always about you.
- Wrong, Ralphfalfa.
It's about you.
Because any way you look at it,
she's got two weeks 'til
she bites the big one.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
I was just thinking
about the accident and--
- Did somebody say accident?
- Yeah.
We had an accident.
- Just set it up over there.
What kind of an accident?
None of my equipment's damaged, I hope.
You know, I got a hell
of a deal on this stuff.
When you're working with a guy like me,
that's what we're talking, deals.
Let me just show you this little gizmo.
This is the most amazing device.
It samples anything from babies crying
to dogs barking.
Hey, what's the matter with this thing?
It wasn't this that got broken, was it?
- Broken?
- In the accident.
- Stanley, it's not broken.
Besides, it was a car accident.
We're trying to rehearse.
- Car accident?
Nobody killed I hope.
Hit it boys.
Howdy folks, Stan "The Man' Wilson here
from Stanley's Deathpark
where we take the death
out of dying.
This Sunday marks our Heaven on Earth sale
and let's face it folks,
it's a sale that some of you
aren't going to miss.
Take a look at this baby,
the streamlined Death 2000,
our top of the line.
This week, yours for only $1995.
A little steep, do I hear you say?
Then how about going Dutch on our
eternal economy model, only
$100 over factory invoice.
How do we do it?
Volume, volume, volume.
So, bring the family, come on
down and while you're here,
check out our revolutionary
cryogenic process.
Open 12 to 12 for your
shopping convenience.
See ya here.
Listen, I directed it myself, you know?
So, uh, what do you think, angel cakes?
- I thought it was kind of cute.
- Ralphie, is that you?
- Drat.
Hi, mom.
- It's about time you got home.
I was getting worried about you, honey.
Could you give me a hand with this?
- Sure.
You been here long?
- Oh, Heaven's no.
I've been here, I mean,
we've been here, for hours.
- Who's we?
- I've almost located the Spanish galleon.
It's close.
I can feel it.
- Great, Jacques Cousteau.
- Just follow that trail
of deblooms, Big Al.
Ah.
Big Al, this is my brother, Ralph.
- Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis.
- I'm Little Ralph Levee.
- So what's your game Little Ralph?
- Game?
- Yeah, what do you do?
- I'm a vampire.
You make me sick.
- What?
I'm clean.
This is, no, not now, no.
1--
- I'll deal with you later.
I was just going to bed mom,
could you hit the light?
- In a minute.
So.
Tell me about your night.
- There's nothing to tell.
- Come on, honey, I know what day it is.
You met her, didn't you?
- I didn't meet her.
I told you, I've had it with
the legend ruining my life
every 22 years.
- Ralphie, where's your hat?
- I must have lost it in the car acc--
Card, card game.
I lost it in a card game, mom.
- Well, okay.
It's your legacy.
You can do anything you want with it.
But whether you've met her or not,
that poor girl is gonna die in two weeks
unless you do something about it.
Honey.
Go to sleep.
- HEY-
' No!
- HEY-
- Is it true that you've
forsaken your legacy
and the girl of your dreams?
- What?
No.
- Ralph, what are you doing?
Ralph, answer me.
- I'm gonna find her.
- And do what?
- What do you think?
I'm gonna save her.
- Yeah, I've heard that song before.
- No, no, it's different.
I just have this feeling
that if I don't save her
this time, I'm gonna lose her forever.
You're no exactly playing
major league ball now.
What are you?
Zero for fourteen.
Oh excuse me, is it 15 now?
- You're a total
dick you know that?
- You're gonna go out in the sunlight?
- I'm protected.
- Brave man.
How you gonna find her?
- She's in a band.
How hard could she be to find?
- Ralph, there must be 15,000
bands in the tri-state area.
That's a lot of ground.
How are you gonna cover it?
- I'm a vampire, I'll fly.
- No, no, no!
Ow! OW! ow, ow, ow.
- I think I'll take the bus.
- What a loser.
Hey Ralphie, you wanna play some hoop?
Have you seen a yellow
brick road around here?
- Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
- What do you mean?
- I mean, maybe I wasn't
meant to find Mona.
Maybe this is just some
sort of karmic debt
I'm Paving off.
Maybe my first instincts were right.
Maybe I should just forget
about this whole thing
and join a monastery.
But, what about Mona?
What sort of everlasting
hell am I damning her to?
Mai/be, no, yeah, no.
I should be strong.
I'll be strong.
- HEY-
Would you make up your mind?
I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here.
That's better.
I wonder if, uh...
Ralph, would you look at the size of this?
- Oh Christ, would you
put that thing away?
Listen.
If you were meant to find Mona, you will.
If you weren't you won't, so relax.
See what I mean?
- Oh my god,
That's him.
- That's who?
Where?
- Stay here.
Who are you?
- I'm Ralph.
I like your music.
It's kind of wild, kind of now, kind of--
- Why are you following me?
- I'm not following you.
- Yes you are.
- Okay, I'm following you.
I'm a big fan of yours from way back.
- Who are you?
- I told you, I'm Ralph--
- No, I mean, what do you do?
Are you a musician?
- YES.
- Do you have a band?
0" do YOU play by yourself?
- Um, yes.
- Yes, what?
- Yes, I have a band.
- What's the name?
- The name.
- Of the band.
- Um.
We haven't decided yet.
- Oh, um, well what kind of music?
- Well the music, we're
not sure yet what it is.
- Well,
do YOU play around?
- Excuse me?
- Your band, are you
playing any gigs anywhere?
-- Gigs, yes, all the time,
lt's amazing, yeah, yeah.
- You are very strange, Ralph.
- Mona, darling, I've got
some terribly important people
just dying to meet you.
Will you excuse us?
- Yeah.
- Um, it was so nice to see you again.
Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.
- Maybe.
- Who is that twerp?
- Hey hey little man.
Can I help ya?
- No, I'm enjoying this party--
- Hey, what's this?
Ouch!
- Bounce him.
- Now let me get this straight.
You decided to find her.
- And once you found her?
- I turned into a blithering idiot.
There was a moment there,
when she was onstage,
and our eyes locked,
it was like time stood still, you know?
What is wrong with me?
I am a musician, and a
pretty darn good one at that.
- So, what happened?
- Let's face it, I don't
have what it takes.
How can I save her if I
can't even talk to her?
"Maybe I'll see your
band sometime" she says.
What a joke.
- Why don't you--
- Why don't you--
Start my own band.
- You're doing what?
Starting a rock band?
A vampire in a rock band.
What are you going to call it?
Rockula?
- Rockula?
- Rockula.
- Like, um,
'cause just like my psychic says,
death, right, is just a
stepping stone to rebirth.
I mean, I think it was
Nietzsche that said I'm just
"Living to die and dying to live."
- Nietzsche said that?
- Yeah, you know, Johnny Nietzsche,
in that band, uh, Marvin
Gandhi and the Monkeyshines.
New age reggae.
- You're such a dork, Stanley.
- You take that back.
- Okay -.
You're an egotistical,
pseudo-intellectual,
money grubbing slut.
- I'll buy that.
- Hey!
Thank you!
I'm Ted Brady, this is Club
Hell, thanks for coming, kids.
You kids, you kids, are rock 'n roll,
you are the rock 'n roll,
and this kid is Rockula.
- Some chow mein and a bowl
of steamed rice, please.
Thank you.
- Where's Mona?
- Rockula, that sounds
of yours is just great.
- I saw you rock, man, I
want my sick gloves back.
- Killer lesson.
- Totally styling.
- Hey dude, move your gear.
- I'm still trying to figure out
where I know you from.
You seem so familiar to me.
Maybe it was a past life.
- What?
- Relax, that was just a joke.
- Listen, do
you believe in vampires?
- That's very funny, Ralph.
Well.
Well this is it.
Thank you for walking me home.
- Would you like to see me again?
- YES.
Tomorrow?
- Qkay.
- Qkay.
Good night.
- Where is that
guy when you need him?
- Hey Mr. Rockstar.
- Where have you been?
- Well you're not the only
one that can start a band.
SQ?
- So, what?
- So what's she like?
- Oh.
She's great.
It was really worth the wait this time.
- Groovy.
So did you get anY?
- Any what?
- You know, muff, nookie, poontang.
- You are so crass, is that
all you ever think about?
- Listen Ralph, I don't
have a love life of my own
so I wanna share in yours.
Now, start from the
beginning and be graphic.
- Forget it.
- You didn't score, did you?
- Knock it off!
She did kiss me, though.
- Really?
Was it?
- Unbelievable.
- Slip her the tongue?
- It was on the cheek.
- Loser!
- You never stop.
Bye mom, I'll see you later.
- Well don't you look cute
and where are you going?
- Out.
- With who?
- Friends.
- And when will you back?
- Later.
- You met her, didn't you?
- Duh, mom.
- Oh, honey, I'm so happy.
- You're crushing my suit.
- Oh, we're gonna have to
have her over for dinner.
- I'd rather not do that right now, mom.
- Oh, you're ashamed of your mother!
That's it, isn't it?
- No, that's not.
That's not it.
It's that she's gonna be in of a big shock
when I tell her and I
wanna break it to her easy,
by myself.
I'm not ashamed of you, mom.
I love you.
- Oh.
I must look a mess.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
of course you're right.
But promise me you won't elope.
Because I want a big wedding.
- Of course.
And you're not a mess.
You look better than most
women a 10th your age.
- I know.
You're a dear.
I honestly don't know what
I'd do without my boy.
Now what are you standing there for?
Now you go off and you have a good time.
And you give Mona a big
kiss from mommy.
- O kaY/ bye'
- Oh.
- But what struck me
the most were his eyes.
I mean, they almost seemed
haunted, didn't they?
- You wanna know what happened that day?
Egon was married to this
girl, Mary or Maddie,
I can't believe I forgot her name.
anyway-
He had this girl posing for him.
She was 16, she was
gorgeous, she was beautiful.
They started shacking up.
And the day that Mary found out,
she walked in on them
and was gonna tell Egon
that she was pregnant.
- Well did she leave him?
- No, god, she was like
this glutton for punishment.
- Ralph.
How do you know about all this?
- I don't know, why?
- You were talking about
it as, I don't know,
almost as if you had
been there or something.
- That was like over 100 years ago.
I couldn't have been, I read
it, in art class, that's it.
- Oh.
You're a good story teller Ralph.
- Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for ya.
- I see a girl.
Her name is, uh, Mona?
- Yeah, right, right, my girlfriend.
I mean my ex-girlfriend.
- Oh.
I see her with another man.
- That little twerp.
- You should not call
people names, Stanley.
- Yeah, right, sorry.
- She thinks she loves him, but she really
loves you, Stanley.
- Really?
- YES.
But she is under his spell.
' Spell?
- Spell, Stanley, for
this is no ordinary man.
He is a vampire.
- A vampire?
- A vampire, Stanley.
Yours is no ordinary destiny.
- I knew it.
- Don't interrupt.
It is your destiny to save Mona.
- Yes, but, how can I do it?
- Stanley, your business is death,
your life is death, your destiny is death.
You must kill her, Stanley.
' Yes?
- YES.
And then she will be all yours.
- I could mount and stuff her.
- She will be your sleeping princess.
- YES.
Yes, I see it.
I could freeze her, cryogenically.
- Oh.
I suppose it would work.
- She'll be mine.
All mine forever.
When do I do it?
- It must be down on Halloween.
- Right.
- But there is one catch, though.
You must dress as a pirate.
- A pirate?
- A pirate.
With a rhinestone peg leg.
- A rhinestone peg leg?
A rhinestone peg leg.
- And you must dispatch
her with a ham bone.
- Ambone?
Okay, okay, okay, a ham bone.
- Yo, Yo, Yo, yo, Hans,
what's up, what's up?
Oh not much, you know,
I've just been hangin'
with Yolanda and Dee.
Kick it!
- You were great.
- Ralphie?
Oh, there's my boy.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Oh, Ralph, I am so proud of you.
Your little band was fantastic.
- Mom.
- And you must be Mona.
Oh.
Look how pretty you are this time.
- Yes, yes, she is.
Uh, Mona, this is my mother.
- Hi.
It is so nice to meet you.
- Meet me?
No, no, dear, the pleasure's all mine.
Oh, just me look at you.
Oh, it's so nice to see the
two of you together again.
- Excuse me?
- Uh yeah, well we have to be going.
- Oh well I won't keep you,
but we must have Mona over for dinner.
- Mom.
- I would love to.
- Mona.
- Thursday night?
- Can't Thursday night,
Mona's video is premiering.
- Well we could go after.
- After?
- Thursday night it is then.
- I can't believe this.
- Well I have to run now.
I have a meeting with my ladies' social.
It's pistol range night
and I'm really getting
much better at this.
Practice, practice, practice.
- Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore?
Oh!
It's raining cats and dogs!
I just stepped in a poodle!
- I feel like I've known you forever.
I think the rain is stopping.
Wow.
What was that?
- I don't know, but it
was definitely beautiful.
- That
was Mona and the premiere
of By My Side here on Slack TV.
Coming up...
- You were wonderful.
- Thank you honey.
- Both of you.
- Well the kids were Mona's idea.
- Don't be so modest, Ralph.
- Listen, Mona, about dinner
with my mother tonight.
I don't think it's a very good idea.
- Why not?
- In fact, I think it's time
I start my own record label,
you know, Morgue Music
or maybe Death Records.
Or just RIP, it's sort of
catchy, don't you think?
Mona, just terrific.
Congratulations, the both of you.
- Thank you.
Um, Stanley, why are you
wearing garlic around your neck?
- Oh.
This is in honor of Ralph
here, I should I say Rockula?
It's pretty pungent,
wouldn't you say, Ralphie?
- Smells great, I love garlic.
- Yes, you might say
I have a stake in what
happens to you.
I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off
like a bat out of hell.
The world is full of bloodsuckers
and I would hate for
anything to happen to you.
Have you ever seen one of these before?
- YES.
18th Century, right?
- 19th, actually.
- Excuse me, I'm gonna use your bathroom.
- Okay sure.
- There's things about this
guy that you don't understand.
- Stanley, I think that you
are under a lot of stress.
- He knows, the jig's up.
- Who knows?
What jig?
- Stanley, somehow
he knows that I'm a...
- You're a vampire?
- YES.
- So why don't you get rid of him
in the time honored tradition?
- What the hell is that?
- Bite him, man.
Bite him, and watch him die
a slow, agonizing death.
Come on, it's the way
vampires always get rid
of those Van Helsing types.
- That's in the movies.
Besides, you remember
vampires always lose.
- Yeah, but they always look
so cool stalking the halls.
I just love that.
- If Stanley knows, what's
stopping him from telling Mona?
- So he tells her, you tell
her, what's the difference?
What's the matter?
Ashamed of who you are?
- YES.
No, no, I mean, I don't
know, it's not that easy.
- Ralph?
- Pressure's on, pressure's
on, what you gonna do?
Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke.
- Shut up and let me think.
- Ralph?
- I'm gonna tell her.
- Everything? Even the you-know-what?
- Everything.
- Bad idea, man, bad idea.
- Shh.
- Uh, Ralph.
Who are you talking to?
- Uh no one, myself.
Well, sort of, I'll explain later.
Mona, we're having dinner at my mother's.
- That's what I like about you Ralph.
You're so decisive.
- Attention.
Could I have your attention please?
Qy!
I have a little premiere of my own.
Mmm, that mantra felt good.
Hi, I'm Stanley, your
guide into the other world.
Here at Stanley's Deathpark,
we believe in a holistic,
stress-free approach to
the passing on process.
Just take a look at our new
line in designer headstones.
Secretary forget to remind
you to bring flowers?
The XK2000 is perfect for
those with a busy lifestyle.
Just 50 cents brings an all
natural, floral surprise.
Mmm, just smell those chlamydias.
And we'll quite happily donate
10 cents of the proceeds
to the charity of your choice.
Miss that nagging loved one?
No longer with the Recorder 6000,
you just close your eyes and listen.
- Harold, have
you been drinking again?
Was it you who left the toilet seat up?
My mother was right.
- Better than a wool hair
coat and a crown of thorns.
Realistic?
Don't take my word for it.
- It's been three years since
my lovely Clorice left me.
But with Recorder 6000, I have yet to miss
her deprecating banter.
- Thank you Elmo, that was lovely.
Now, here's something new.
Relatives disapprove of your lifestyle?
Invest in the Rotary 600, the
device that keeps those loved
ones turning over in their grave.
Isn't that amazing?
And over here we have the very latest in
cryogenic technology.
It may well be the answer
to everlasting life,
and, while you're waiting to be reborn,
why not listen to your
choice of subliminal
self help tapes.
We have an incredible selection.
Everything from meditation
to the fundamentals of golf.
Learn a foreign language
while you're waiting
to be awoken from your everlasting sleep.
Did you die a smoker?
Quit while you're dead.
Improve your karma, knock
off several lifetimes
and awake a better person.
- Get out.
- That was the best bit.
- Stanley, I have been working
my entire life for tonight,
and you come and make a joke out of it?
- Mona.
You.
You did it to me, you fiend.
- You alright?
- Yes I'm fine, really.
- Stanley is in love with you.
- I know.
It wasn't just Stanley.
Ralph, I was watching the
video and suddenly I thought,
"Is this what I have been
working for my entire life?
"Three minutes, that's it?
"Just three minutes?"
It just seemed so unimportant.
So temporary.
Ralph.
You--
- Before you say what I
think you're gonna say,
there's something you've gotta know.
- Hi kids.
- Mom, we were talking.
- The legacy?
- Mom.
- The legacy?
- It's nothing, it's,
nevermind, it's not important.
What's for dinner?
- Hello dear.
- Mrs. Levee, this is
a beautiful home you have.
- Oh thank you dear, but
please call me Phoebe.
Of course, this is nothing like the
palatial chateau that we had when we were
in the south of France, is it Ralph?
- I didn't know you lived in France?
- You didn't?
Of course you did.
When was that Ralphie?
The 16th or the 17th century?
I don't remember.
Oh, my pet Napoleon, mm,
could he throw a party.
I was his favorite, you know.
- Mom.
- And Mona, your father, the king, was he,
the most handsome man and you
were the cutest little thing.
- MOI!
What's for dinner?
- Meat and potatoes.
Who's askin'?
- Oh, Boom Boom.
Boom, oh!
O00, my son.
Ralphie, this is my son
Ralphie and his fiancee Mona.
Oh.
- His fiancee?
- The Boom Boom Williams?
The Terror of Tennessee?
- You got it, little fella.
And if you eat all your
vegetables, you'll grow up
to be big and strong just like me.
- I think we're a little late for that.
I don't know, about 300 years too late.
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Dinner is served.
And as for the father of our country,
well let me tell you,
he may have been hell
on the battlefield, but
in bed he was as wooden
as his teeth.
Those were tough and
lonely times for a woman.
Every day I get down on my hands and knees
and I thank my lucky
stars that I had my boy.
My Ralphie.
Ralphie.
- Baby, where would you
like your coffee served?
In here, or in the living room?
- In the living room, don't you think?
- Oh, whatever you say love cakes.
Introducing the fabulous,
the incomparable,
and the sexy,
Miss
Phoebe.
- My mom's kind of strange.
If you hadn't noticed.
- This whole night has
been kind of strange.
- Mona, pull over.
Oh great.
Mona?
Would you give up everything for me?
Your career, your friends, everything?
- Ralph, don't you think
that's a little bit radical?
I mean, maybe we should
date for a while first,
don't you think?
- I've given you a choice
and it has to be your choice.
- What are you talking about?
Ralph, where are you going?
Ralph, where are you going?
- Just follow me.
- Ralph, what is with you?
- Okay, you see these people?
They're dead, I'm not.
- I can see that, Ralph.
- But, I'm older.
- What?
- Mona, I'm a vampire.
- And I'm the Bride of Frankenstein.
- No seriously, Mona, it's the truth.
I'm not a bad vampire.
I am a bad vampire, I'm
not very good at it.
I don't bite people but I am a vampire.
- Ralph, this is a very common thing.
- It is?
- Yes, sure it is.
People begin to believe their
stage personas all the time.
- No, no, no, no, I don't
think I'm a vampire,
I really am a vampire.
- Prove it.
- Look.
Fangs, see?
- Well it's probably
something that just runs
in the family, Ralph.
Besides, I knew a girl
in the eighth grade,
she had bigger teeth than that.
She wasn't a vampire, Ralph.
You really should have
those filed down though.
- Okay, all that stuff
my mom was talking about
back at the house, it's all true.
Mona, you are 422 years old.
This is your 19th lifetime.
You always die on Halloween
night of your 22nd year.
' Ralph!
- Mona, we were lovers 400 years ago
and every 22 years since then,
and it always ends the same way.
- And how is that?
- You're killed by a pirate with a peg leg
wielding a gigantic ham bone.
- And then I'm reborn?
- Over and over.
- I think maybe you just
need some therapy, Ralph.
- Okay, you remember this?
You said you did back at the house.
- I do.
I remember that from somewhere.
- 1786.
- What?
- You owned it in 1786.
You wanna see what you looked like?
- I'm not sure.
- And here's you in 1918.
- Now wait a minute.
So that means that,
that you're--
- Yes.
- And that I'm--
- Yep.
- And that we're--
- You got it.
- Nah.
- Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Okay, I didn't wanna do this
but you leave me no choice.
Now watch close, I
haven't done this in years
and I'm not very good
at it so bear with me.
Hi.
Mona.
Mona, it's me.
Mona.
Mona.
- Stay away from me.
- It's okay, you react
like this every time.
Everything's okay, it's okay.
- No, no it isn't.
This is my fault.
I thought I could handle
this, I thought I was
more open-minded, but this.
This is just too much.
- No, no Mona it's okay,
all you have to do is make
it to All Saints Day.
- Stay away from me.
- Mona, you have no choice.
I love you, you love me.
If you don't listen to
me you're gonna die,
and we're gonna have to
do this all over again
in 22 years.
- I don't love you Ralph!
I don't!
- Mona!
Mona!
' No!
Ralph!
Ralph!
- Your move, numb nuts.
Ralph.
" Huh?
- Your move.
- I'm sorry.
I just can't concentrate.
- Thinkin' about tonight?
Where you goin'?
- Out.
- Well don't forget your retainer.
- I don't need that anymore.
- Well, are you quite sure?
No, I already have the
costume, what I want
is a rhinestone peg leg.
Yes, I know it's Halloween, goddammit.
Ugh!
What am I gonna do?
Hello?
Madam Ben Wa?
Hi, it's Stanley, the ham bone?
I'm working on it, but listen.
I have another little problem.
- Unbelievable.
- Another van will
be along in 10 minutes.
Sorry.
- What am I gonna do?
- Thanks.
Just one of those days, you know?
- Try one of those lifetimes.
- I'm really worried.
I haven't seen her for days.
- And Ralph, I haven't seen him either.
- Neither have I.
- I'm back!
- Madam Ben Wa, is that you?
Hello Madam Ben Wa.
I've got everything ready, the
liquid nitrogen, everything.
All I need is--
Wow.
Real rhinestones.
Do you think she's gonna
be here, Madam Ben Wa?
- Are you doubting Madam Ben Wa?
- Oh no, no, no, n0, O-
- Do I sense that you are
wavering from your destiny?
- No, Madam Ben Wa.
- Do you love Mona more than life itself?
- YES.
- Then you will save her from the vampire.
- Yes, Madam Ben Wa, yes, yes!
- You remember.
Before midnight!
- Suppose she
doesn't come on time.
- So you'll go on.
- I can't do that.
- Sure you can, you know that song.
I've heard you sing it.
Ham.
Who brought the sandwiches?
- I did.
What's the matter?
Too cooked for you, Mr. Vampire?
- What's your costume, Stanley?
- It's a secret.
- It wouldn't happen to
be a pirate, would it?
- What if it is?
- Lana, 10 minutes.
- Don't forget your peg leg, Stanley.
- God dammit!
- Did you find her?
- No sign of her yet.
- Stanley's disappeared.
He was here one minute and gone the next.
- Okay, let's go-
Raphael, you and Chuck stage
left, Axman stage right.
Be on the look out for
anyone in a pirate costume.
- What about Stanley?
- Leave Stanley to me.
- Club Hell presents Mona!
- It's up to you.
You can do it.
- I'm waiting for you my love.
I hope Madam Ben Wa was right.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
Mum!
Excuse me.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Are you okay?
- I just wanted to see
your little rock band play.
Is that too much for a mother to ask?
- Mona!
Mona!
- Ralph.
- Put me down, what are you doing?
Stanley!
- Mona!
- Sorry, man, we lost--
- It's not important,
we gotta find Mona.
We gotta split up, what time is it?
- Five to 12.
- I hope it's not too late.
- Come on then.
- Stanley.
What is going on?
- Destiny.
- Ouch!
Are you crazy?
Stanley, is that a ham bone?
- Well it ain't chopped liver.
- Ham bone.
Pirate.
Halloween.
Ralph!
- Damn.
- Hey, Ralph, what's the good word?
You save her yet?
- Stanley's got her and
they've disappeared.
' typical.
- What's typical?
- That the damsel's in
distress and you're caught
sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball
a day late and a dime short.
- Sometimes I really hate you.
- Oh, thanks a lot and I'm just
gonna tell you where she is.
- Where, where, where is she?
- But now I'm not going to.
- Tell me, where is she?
- Not until you apologize.
- I apologize!
- Who's your best friend
in the whole world?
I'm sorry, what, what, what, what, what?
I can't hear you.
- You are!
Tell me where she is!
- You go out that door, you make a left,
there's a access stairs.
Hm.
It's gonna be close.
- Why, Stanley, why?
- Because I love you, Mona.
We belong together.
- So you're gonna kill me?
- Well not exactly.
I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically
and then we'll be together forever.
' No!
- Drop the bone, Stanley.
- Make me.
- I don't make garbage.
I burn it.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Is that a ham bone Stanley?
- Why, yes, I think it is.
- Well that explains our
little backstage porkfest.
Nice touch with the peg leg.
Where did you get it?
- My psychic, Madam Ben Wa.
- They're nowhere in sight.
- Ralph just disappeared.
- Well we gotta find him,
it's almost midnight.
Tuty, is there another way out of here?
- YES.
There's a little door that
goes upstairs over there.
- Great!
- The girl is mine!
' Is not!
- IS tOO.
- Is not.
This time, the pirate loses.
All my life, I've been pushed
around by punks like you.
No one ever believed in me.
I never even believed in myself.
I spent centuries wallowing in self-pity.
I was such a weakling, I
couldn't even shake a cold.
The only person who believed
in me was my mother,
God bless her.
If it weren't for that woman--
- Oh Ralph, I'm sorry.
- Mom.
- Madam Ben Wa?
- Mrs. Levee?
- Madam Ben Wa?
' Mom?
- I thought I was doing the right thing
but now I know I was wrong.
- You mean you were behind
this the whole time?
- You were my little boy.
I didn't want you to leave home.
Now I know you're all grown up.
- You're in this together.
Die, vampire scum!
- Ralph!
- That was my mother you just boned.
- She was a traitor.
Nothing can stop me now.
' No!
Ralph!
- Not so fast, you leave
me no choice, Stanley.
Drop the ham bone, Stanley.
' Two, one.
You are now totally relaxed yet energized
in a beautiful and harmonious way.
Imagine the energy of the
universe coming in through
the top of your head and radiating out.
While gripping your
nine iron, inhale deeply
and mentally repeat these affirmations:
my nine iron is an extension of my penis.
My nine iron is an extension of my penis.
- I knew that would come in handy one day.
Mona, are you alright?
- You know the second
time around that bat thing
was kind of cute.
- Yowza, what happened here?
- It's after 12.
- You saved her.
- Yes!
Mom.
Come here.
- Oh.
Oh Ralphie.
Do you forgive me?
- Of course we forgive you.
- Oh, Ralphie!
- No hickies.
- Ralph?
Hey Ralph?
Ralph?
Where are you man?
Ralph!
Come on.
HEY, did you get her?
Ralph?
Come on, I'm ready, don't leave me.
Ral--
Okay, I'll wait, I'll wait.
Ralph! Where are you?
Ralph, come on, I'm locked in here!
Ralph!
Okay.
Okay, fine.
To hell with this.
Wow, it's deja vu.
- The return of the king!
I Say Yo, yo I