Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth (2017) Movie Script
1
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the next
president of the United States of America:
Rodney Carrington!
[cheering]
How are you?
Hi, everybody.
[whistling, cheering]
Do not adjust your glasses.
I'm this goddamn fat, alright?
[laughter]
I... I used to look at fat people and go,
"How in the hell did you let yourself
get like that?"
And then I just went out
and found out for myself.
I got divorced about four years ago.
And you don't know how important it is
to have somebody in your life,
around eight or nine o'clock at night,
to say, "Don't eat that."
"You do not need to be eating
chocolate cake this time of night."
Because when you live by yourself
like I do,
and you buy cake, put it in the kitchen...
I'm watching TV at night,
the only thing I can think about
is how there's a cake in my damn kitchen.
There's a cake in my kitchen.
When you live by yourself
you don't need a plate.
You've just got to get a fork.
[laughter]
And you'll eat half, and go, "Well, fuck,
I'm here." And you eat the other half.
And three months later
you're in drawstring britches.
[laughter]
When you go to buy jeans and they go,
"What size?" you go, "42, 16."
[laughter]
Those are capri pants for fat girls.
When you lean down to pull your boots on
and you black out, like, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
...you have to start addressing shit.
I cannot remember the last time that
I physically washed my feet with my hands.
I just pour shampoo on them
and go like that.
[laughter]
You know, I'm just not that motivated
right now, folks.
When you get married and, I don't know,
when you get divorced,
whoever tells you they take half...
they get it all.
If you live in this state
they get every bit of it.
I'm just letting you know.
My kids say, "Get a girlfriend."
Are you crazy?
I'm still paying for the last one.
If somebody came to me and went,
"You want pussy, or mac and cheese?"
I'd go, "Fuck...
I'm gonna go with mac and cheese."
[laughter]
It's just less work, you know?
Pussy is just exhausting.
Isn't it? I mean, I like it,
don't get me wrong.
I just don't like what it's attached to,
90 percent of the time.
[laughter, whooping]
That was the problem with my ex-wife.
I liked it, she didn't care for it.
I tried to get her to eat it
in the hot tub one time, and...
she wouldn't touch it.
I don't blame her.
It's gamey. Tastes like duck.
[laughter]
Doesn't it? You're like:
"What the fuck? I can't tell.
What does it taste like?
Seagull or some shit? I can't tell."
[laughter]
That's why we eat it in the dark.
You know that, right?
Because if they saw us,
they would see us going,
"Oh, fuck! How long
do I got to do this shit?"
And they're like, "It's wet, isn't it?"
You're like, "Yeah."
[laughter]
"Yeah, it's wet because I'm
not swallowing this shit."
You breathe...
you breathe through your mouth.
It's the same technique you use
to pick up dog shit.
[laughter]
Isn't it?
When you pick up, you go,
"Oh, shit, oh, fuck."
That's going to be a topic of conversation
on the way home.
[female voice] "Do you hold your breath
when you lick my pussy?"
[male voice] "Fucking Rodney,
God damn it!"
"Do you hold your breath
when you lick my pussy?"
"Well, hell, mid-week,
I've got to go back to work.
I don't need that shit on my breath."
[laughter]
"But if it's Saturday and I'm hammered
I'll lick your butt. I don't give a fuck."
[laughter]
You go down there like a trucker.
[gargles]
That's the time you're glad that
pussy juice don't have purple dye in it.
Saturday night, you look like a clown.
[laughter]
"Have you been eating pussy?
It's all over your goddamn face."
[he sighs]
I'm not that motivated.
I don't have to worry.
Not a lot of women are going, "I want
to fuck that fat little son of a bitch."
[laughter]
Except another fat little son of a bitch.
Which, by the way, are fun to fuck.
Now that old Rod's a fatty, I've had to...
well, you know, I've had a few fatties.
I was with this girl one night.
She was about 180. Real good-looking.
Five-two. One-eighty.
[laughter]
She's sitting on top of me
and she puts her hand on my forehead,
and leans over and presses,
and I'm like, "What the fuck?"
She goes, "I am going
to fuck the shit out of you."
I said, "I hope you do."
She goes, "I am going to tear
your little dick off with my vagina."
I said, "I dare you."
[laughter]
And she got to rocking back and forth.
And she had shaved all her shit,
but it was about two weeks earlier.
[laughter]
Yeah.
She had, like, a sailor beard
going on down there.
And it was rubbing against my stomach.
I'm like, "Whoa, slow the fuck down.
You're going to start a friction fire."
[laughter]
"You're going to burn a hole
in my goddamn stomach.
I need some Neosporin. I can barely keep
a hard-on, it's burning so much.
My leg has been asleep for 15 minutes.
Use the stirrups every now and then."
[laughter]
"I'm going to get some Neosporin,
and when I come back, I'm on top, chubby."
[laughter]
I was down here about two nights ago,
drinking with one of my buddies.
It's one of them bars where you sit
at the bar and see yourself in the mirror.
Get drunker as the night goes on.
And this drunk Christian woman
walked up to me.
Because there's a bunch in this town.
[laughter]
A lot of drunk Christian women.
She walked up to me
and introduced herself like this: "Hey!"
[hiccups]
"I know you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy
with those sick-ass jokes you tell,
because one of these days
you're going to meet your maker."
I couldn't tell if she was serious because
I run into a lot of drunk sons of bitches.
But it dawned on me real quick
that she was serious.
She sat down and told me one of these days
I was going to meet my maker.
I told her I was encouraged,
because I thought I might be going
straight to hell.
[laughter]
I had no idea I was going to get
a chance to explain myself.
Because I feel like I can talk my way
out of anything, given a damn chance.
Then she told me
how upset God was with me,
and I said, "How could I be so wrong,
if I was his idea?"
I'm not my fault.
Do you ever think that maybe God got tired
of stamping out the same old shit,
and thought, "Tonight, I'm going
to make something weird"?
[laughter]
When he was putting me together, he was
using different kinds of ingredients.
He had on big rubber gloves,
and it was late one night.
He was in his laboratory, somebody walked
in and interrupted him: "Hey, God."
And I got loose.
He went, "Fuck! Get that."
[laughter]
"It's got half a brain
and I didn't put a dick on it."
[laughter]
"If it gets loose, it will hate itself."
Imagine how long the damn line is,
to meet your maker.
"Has that fucker let anybody in yet?
I've been here four hours.
The line hasn't moved."
That's going to be
an anxiety-ridden line, isn't it?
Standing in that son of a bitch.
Good God!
"What's wrong?"
"I've got to shit."
"You can't shit outside.
You can only shit when you get in."
Then that moment
when you push through the turnstile
and it's just you and Him.
"How are you doing?
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Rodney. I guess I should ask,
how much do you know?"
[laughter]
I imagine God looking like Clint Eastwood.
You know, the real cool one from the '70s.
Where he sits with a toothpick
in his mouth and pulls it out,
and says, "I know everything."
We're going to be here a while.
[laughter]
I'll pull my pants down and point,
and He's going to go,
"Fuck, I wondered where you were.
Get in here, you were too quick.
I couldn't catch you when you ran off.
Billy, he's here. You know,
the one I told you about. Nothing there.
Get him a beanbag chair
and something to drink.
Tell him we're sorry
and tell him where the shitter is."
[laughter]
Everything we laugh at,
God has something to do with.
He created the penis,
stuck it on the first man.
Looked at it, stared, wondered
and pondered, and thought,
"Ah, fuck. Looks weird by itself.
I have to put something under it."
[laughter, whooping]
Wouldn't you like to have seen
the stuff He sketched out,
long before he decided
on what he decided on?
It must have been awful
for him to come to the conclusion
that a sack with two balls
and hair all over it was his best option.
[laughter]
Because at some point he went,
"Yeah, girls will love that."
[laughter]
I ain't met one that said, "Could you slap
those against my chin a little faster?"
"I must admit, you are a rare bird!
I might have to see you again, Darlene."
[laughter]
Aren't you glad he put it
where he put it, right here,
and not right here?
"You going to eat?"
"No, my balls stink."
"I gag every time I chew. Oh, fuck!
But I can lick them."
"Quit licking your balls
at the dinner table.
Your dick is getting hard
and we have guests."
[laughter]
That's what I did.
It's amazing that we stay together.
We're so different.
I grew up with three young sisters.
I know a lot about you women.
You bleed 84 days out of the year.
And you stink.
Now, I'm not being shitty.
I'm just telling you the truth.
I can tell whether a woman is
on her period just by the way she smells.
I know. I didn't want that fucking talent.
[laughter]
God gave me that. Who wants
that fucking talent? I'll give it to you.
You walk past me in a grocery store,
I'll go, "Yep, she's on it."
A lot of you going, "That's horseshit."
Flip on the lights,
I'll sniff a few of you out.
[laughter]
Be real still. If you cover with your hand
I'll sniff through it.
I can smell up to 70 feet, alright?
A lot of women over here are going,
"Dear God, please don't let this happen."
And I'm not going to embarrass you.
But there's a few of you,
right in this area right here.
Right out of the damn box,
I can smell you.
You bleed 84 days out of the year,
you don't even get dizzy. That's amazing.
I cut my finger on the onion chopper
and went, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
We're not talking a finger prick
on an onion chopper,
we're talking about
a hatchet wound to the crotch.
That bleeds so much, you have to pack it
full of gauze to get it to go away.
[laughter]
And you do. You pack that sucker
full of gauze and go get the kids.
You pack it full of gauze
and you go to the grocery store.
Because you're
an angry, bloody, fucking soldier.
[laughter]
I'm surprised more women don't say:
"I just can't take this shit.
I bleed. I stink. I want it gone.
If you can just fuck me in the ass..."
"Do you know how much I love you?"
[laughter]
"I know how much courage it took
for you to come to me and say that.
And I will fuck you in the ass...
until death do we part.
I love you."
I've seen childbirth
three times in person.
Something else men wouldn't tolerate.
That math equation will never be able
to be answered in your head.
The fact that you can take your thing
and stick it in her thing,
and squirt something on some thing,
and nine months later,
something squirts out of your twat
and costs a million dollars.
[laughter]
You don't think about that.
And then when it comes out
it's that long, and about that big around.
Right out of your twat.
Not a marble. I've seen that.
[laughter]
That looks effortless.
You've got to go...
You've got to go in line to see that.
Fellas, if you walk into the bedroom
with a little sandwich bag full of marbles
you're going to catch a little shit.
Hold them up, shake them at her.
[female voice] "What are you doing?"
[male voice] "Well, I was online yesterday
and something made my dick real hard.
So I was going to see
if you might want to participate."
"What is it?"
"Well...
See, I got these eight marbles
over at Walgreens.
I soaked them in hydrogen peroxide
so they're bacteria-free.
I was going to have you
stick them in your twat,
and have you spit them out one by one
with your little pussy muscle,
and I was going to position myself
where I could watch it,
and jack off on your forehead."
[laughter]
"Doesn't that sound like fun?
I can kind of tell by the look on
your face, you're not real into it, so..."
[laughter]
"I'm going to go get myself a pop tart."
[laughter]
You cannot watch pornography
when you're married.
There's a couple of reasons.
Number one, your spouse cannot compete
with what's on the internet.
And nor should he ever have to.
[laughter]
If we believe the internet,
we have to believe
that every dick is a foot long.
And if that's the case,
I'm going to have to move to China.
[laughter]
[Chinese voice]
"You've got big dick, cowboy."
"Only here, Chingaling, only here.
Back in the States, I'm all balls."
[laughter]
What happens when you watch pornography
is, it's never enough.
Fellas, you know this.
You sick motherfuckers.
Because I'm one of you. It's never enough.
If you watch pornography,
it is never enough.
You might find something you like
and go back to it ten times.
But eventually, it ain't weird enough.
It ain't weird enough. You know why?
Same part of your brain that operates
when you watch pornography:
same part of your brain that operates
when you get hooked on heroin.
Yeah.
I learned this in church.
[laughter]
That's the truth. Think about it.
Nobody starts with heroin.
You start with wine coolers,
work your way up.
Wine coolers, beer, whiskey,
pot, cocaine, pills...
After that you're shooting up,
you've lost maybe 70 pounds,
there's teeth missing,
you're in a dark alley,
and there might be a dick in your butt.
[laughter]
That's your only bargaining power.
"Did you bring my shit?"
"I brought your shit. Shut up."
Most of us stop short of that level,
for obvious reasons.
"Fuck that, I'm just going
to drink whiskey."
What happens when you watch
pornography, same deal.
It starts out innocent,
just like a wine cooler.
First, it's just some woman
sitting on the edge of a bath tub,
rubbing baby oil on her titty.
Your wife might even watch it with you.
"I know why you watch that.
She's got big titties, and I know you,
and she's pretty,
and she's rubbing baby oil all over her."
But eight months down the road,
your wife ain't there. She's at work.
You've been sitting behind the screen,
your breath smells like crackers
and grape juice.
All you've been doing
is snacking and jacking.
[laughter]
You're not looking at some woman
rubbing oil on her titties.
You're looking at a four-foot Asian
with a catfish stuck in her ass.
The tail is wagging,
as it struggles to stay alive.
Even you can't believe how weird you are.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
[laughter]
Jesus. Fuck!
Your wife is the same way.
"What is wrong with you?
We've been married 20 years.
You come in the bedroom. I'm naked.
You don't get a hard-on. What the fuck
is that goddamn fish doing in here?"
[laughter]
Somehow you find a way to make it work.
Every one of you bastards has got
some weird shit you do in the bedroom
that the PTA don't know nothing about.
You're all bubbles at school.
"How you doing? I had it in my ass
about two hours ago."
You don't say that, but you did.
I know you.
You find a way to make it work,
and you should.
There's nothing on the other side.
I'm telling you, I'm there right now.
You know what's on the other side?
Young and dumb, and old and crazy.
There's these young girls out there going,
"I just want to travel the world."
Well, you work at Arby's.
It's going to be a while.
[laughter]
Then you've got middle-aged women
whose husband ran off and left them,
because he thought the grass was greener,
only to find out it was poison ivy.
[laughter]
And she's gained 30 pounds since college,
and she's just a basket case.
"I don't know if anybody is
going to love me again.
I don't know if anybody is
going to love me again."
Well, not with that attitude, Sybil.
Put down the donut, get on a treadmill.
Life's going on, here we go.
Pull it together.
It makes no sense.
You have the most powerful
bargaining chip on the planet.
You have a pussy.
[women whoop]
Yes. See, only two of you know about it.
[laughter]
The rest of you act like,
"What did he say? What?"
If I had what you had, why...
I'd be a whore!
[laughter]
I would walk into my apartment complex
and go, "I'm not paying my rent."
"We're going to throw you out."
I'd say, "You sure about that?"
[laughter]
And I would fiddle with my clitoris.
[laughter]
"Well, I guess you can stay
for another six months."
You can't pull your balls out
and get a free month. It ain't happening.
[laughter]
You're so lucky.
As a woman you could have
no arms and no legs,
and your head could be on backwards,
and somebody would still fuck you.
That's how lucky you are.
As a man in the same predicament,
all you could do is rock back and forth
and go, "Why?"
Why?
Hello?
If you have giant tits
you have an advantage in life.
Even retarded people know this.
[women whoop]
If you have a D-cup size or bigger,
your face could have caught on fire
when you were seven,
and your brother could have broke a shovel
trying to put that motherfucker out,
and you're still going to be OK.
Somebody would go, "Dry them tears,
that fire didn't get them nipples.
[laughter]
God damn,
it took your lips off though, didn't it?
You look like a barracuda."
[laughter]
I know a lot of women out there:
"But we want equal pay!"
You could have had ten times the pay
if you used your noggin and your puss!
If every one of you girls
locked arms on the planet,
and stood on top of Mount Kilimanjaro,
wherever the fuck that is,
and hollered down:
"We ain't coming down until we get
ten times the amount of pay as men get!"
It might take six or eight months,
but eventually you would hear us
at the bottom of the mountain.
Alright!
[laughter]
Fuck!
Come on down!
And bring that pussy with you.
Alright, men, listen.
They're coming.
When they get down here, grab one
and go fuck the shit out of them.
When the last man is done,
we're going to tell them we were
just kidding about all that pay shit.
[laughter]
They're going to get agitated
and run back up that mountain.
We're going to have seven months
of peace and tranquility,
fishing, golfing, hunting,
and then we're going to figure out
some idea to fuck them for Christmas.
How does that sound?
[whooping, cheering]
You with me?
That's right.
These are jokes. If you learn anything,
it's a goddamn accident.
You girls are pissed:
"See how they are? This is bullshit.
We come off the mountain, they fuck us,
and then fuck us again."
[laughter]
Yeah, pretty much.
The fact of the matter is,
we can't live without you.
We like you. A lot.
Here's one thing we'd like you to do.
We'd like you to quit trying to maintain
your birth weight of eight pounds.
[laughter]
Society has dictated to you that you've
got to look like a goddamn skeleton.
No man I know, love, or care about,
or respect, wants to fuck a skeleton.
[cheering, whistling]
Or...
some muscled-up woman who looks
like a goddamn track star named Kevin.
"Hey, Bill, how's that girl you're dating?
That one that looks like Kevin."
[laughter]
"How's that?"
"Yucky."
"Fucking yucky, isn't it? Fucking yucky."
Yuck. A man goes down a raft,
he likes handles.
Likes to hold on. It's more fun that way.
Goes down a river, he wants
a raft with handles, right here.
He wants to reach round
above your bush and hold your cooch.
Another thing. Quit shaving your twat.
After 40 it's beat to shit.
You need hair on that.
[laughter]
After 40, it looks like
a sea urchin out of a shell.
You need some fucking hair, alright?
It don't need to go down your leg
to your ankles,
but it can be shaved
in a fucking triangle, like the '70s.
You goddamn older women: "I shaved my..."
Fuck! Stop. Fucking stop.
[laughter]
You're always on a diet.
"You want some cake?"
"No. I am dieting."
"Well, I didn't know.
I saw you eat pecan pie last night."
"You motherfucker!"
[laughter]
I can't tell if you're mad
because you got caught, or what.
And women take that shit seriously.
You better be able to recognize
when they've been dieting, even for a day.
[female voice] "You son of a bitch,
can't you see I'm starving?
I didn't eat a goddamn thing all day.
I am fucking shaking."
"Well, go eat something."
"No! That's how I got like this."
[laughter]
You come home with ten Lean Cuisines,
fired up from Doctor Oz,
and throw them on the counter.
"What are you going to do with those?"
"I'm going to try to diet,
if I can get some support in this house."
[laughter]
"What about that trampoline in front of
our closet that you never jumped on?
When are you going to hop on that,
Cheryl Tiegs?"
[laughter]
"I stub my toe on it every morning,
getting dressed."
"You know what? This is exactly
what I'm talking about, right here.
This is why I can't lose weight."
"Are you fucking serious right now?"
[laughter]
"I'm the reason you're chubarilla?"
Now, you don't say that, because
you've got a goddamn brain in your head.
When you've been married a long time,
there's only a few words.
And these are them:
"I know. You're right.
I should have listened better.
I'll get the kids.
Don't worry.
You look pretty.
I love you.
Go look in my wallet."
Yeah. You know why you know that?
Because when you were young,
youthful pride had no filter
when you argued with your wife.
You would go, "Fuck you!"
You ever say "Fuck you"
to the woman you love?
Yeah, isn't that magical,
how that works out?
[laughter]
When you say "Fuck you" to your wife,
or the woman you love,
you have just booked yourself a ticket
to No-Pussy-Ville.
And it's a long walk.
Twelve hundred miles,
and your buddies are there.
It's like The Island of Misfit Toys.
You go to No-Pussy-Ville,
you come back a changed man.
When you come back, you are changed.
[laughter]
Hi.
[laughter]
Look, I'm sorry that I said "Fuck you"
six months ago.
I meant to say, "I love you,"
and it came out, "Fuck you."
[laughter]
And I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.
And she'll tell you, you are sorry.
"You think you're going
to waltz in and apologize?
And hop back on me
and get inside Momma's little biscuit?"
[laughter]
"I didn't say anything about a biscuit.
"Well, that's good
because you're not getting any of this
until you're back in this: my heart."
"How long is that going to fucking take?"
[laughter]
Instead you say to her,
"I'm going to diet with you."
And when you say it you're like,
"Why the hell did I say that?"
Men don't like to diet.
We don't care if our buddies are fat.
Our fat buddies are our funnest buddies.
Because they're happy. You know why?
Because they're fucking full.
[laughter]
Yeah. They think diabetes is an island
in the fucking Caribbean somewhere.
"Me and Laura are going down to Diabetes
in June. You want to go?"
[laughter]
Men don't tell each other we're fat.
We don't go:
"Jim, God damn,
eat a chicken salad, fat-ass.
You look like hell."
It's not until our women tell us,
"You're fat,"
that a man goes, "What?
How long?"
"A long time."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because we walk past the same mirror
every morning, you dumb-ass. That's why."
[laughter]
Men, you don't know you're fat.
I'm going to help you.
You go home tonight,
lay down on your bed. No pillow.
Alright? It's important, no pillow.
Like this, flat. Just like this.
This is how you're going to lay.
Look straight at the ceiling,
and when you're laying down,
it's as skinny as you can get.
It's as skinny as you can get.
Have your wife come in,
and she's going to get up on her elbow
and jack you off, like this.
If while you're there,
out of your peripheral vision,
you can't see her hand or arm moving...
[laughter]
...that's how you know you're a fat-ass.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Oh, shit. Alright.
Show's over! Son of a bitch.
Another way you can tell you're fat:
when you've got to use your legs
to throw yourself up, like that.
[he chuckles]
God damn.
I've got to quit telling stories
where I lay down.
[laughter]
"We saw him. That fucker laid down,
never got up again. We had to leave."
Look,
there's moments in marriage
where you look at each other and go,
"I ought to kill you
in your goddamn sleep."
That is completely normal.
It is normal. It's a feeling.
It will pass. Do not act on it.
There's going to be a moment, fellas,
walking with your wife..
You might even be at the zoo.
And her shorts are too short, and you
notice that her ass is goddamn gigantic.
And you also notice that you're married.
It comes to you: "I'm married to that."
And you're going to get
really, really sad.
You're not even going to want
to look at the animals.
"Honey, come look at the monkeys."
"No, God damn, woman."
Then you go home, look in the mirror,
and you're not much of a prize either.
And you're going to find a way
to love her again.
You probably fantasize
about what's out there.
"Something younger."
You don't want that shit. I've had it.
When you get divorced, it's like
the Coast Guard hovers over your house.
Nobody sees divorce coming.
You might think about it,
but you don't see it coming.
Helicopter flies over your house.
You're mowing.
A guy drops down, grabs you,
pulls you up in the helicopter.
He slaps the fuck out of you,
puts a lifejacket on you, flies you to
the middle of the ocean, throws you out.
And you just swim. You don't know
what the fuck just happened.
You've just been taken out
of your whole life. Can't see land.
You make the dumbest decisions
you'll ever make during this time.
Something floats by, you eat it,
only to find out it's a turd.
[laughter]
These are the kind of things you do.
You drink more than you normally drink.
During this time, I met a girl
who was 20 years younger.
We went out to clubs...
[loud booming]
"What the fuck am I doing
in this goddamn place?"
There's nothing you have in common
with a woman 20 years your junior.
You know why? Because when
you're 47 years old, you've lived life.
You've been to funerals, weddings...
You cry at a Hallmark commercial.
They look at you: "Why are you crying?"
"Because I've lived life.
You're fucking 12."
[laughter]
I would share a good life story
with her, at dinner.
She'd look at me like a hung moon,
and then go...
I was looking for something else from her.
The reason you're with your wife is
because she says something you respect.
She has an opinion that reminds you
that you're a fucking idiot,
and you're like, "Damn it,
I need her in my life."
But we're sitting there, and she would go:
"You've just got to stay positive.
I'd say, "God damn,
you dug deep for that one, didn't you?"
[laughter]
It was all I could do,
not to take the fork out of her hand
and just stab her in the goddamn forehead.
[laughter]
Protect other men
from that kind of stupidity.
But then we would go home.
And she would take off all her clothes.
[sings choral melody]
[sings in Latin]
[sings high note, people cheer]
Her skin was not yet reptilian, like mine.
You do not want to be dating after 45.
You're introducing more than yourself.
You're thinking, "When do I tell her about
the toenail that looks like a corn chip?"
[laughter]
"Or the mole on my back
that has an Afro on top of it?"
Yeah, it's not pleasant.
The woman you have now, she goes,
"Look at that nasty goddamn toe."
She'll still fuck you
after you leave the beach.
But a new one goes,
"Oh! No, can't do that. Fuck you."
Her skin was not yet reptilian.
It was perfect.
At 25, you're gorgeous.
Her tits went, "What?"
Totally different than the ones
I was used to that went,
"Hey, Rodney, how you doing there, buddy?"
[laughter]
"We've been hanging around
waiting on you."
Like big dog ears hanging off,
with a nipple right at the end.
I reached between her legs, it felt like a
baby horse taking a peanut out of my hand.
I went, "What the...
That thing's starving.
I'm going to get some more peanuts."
[laughter]
She said to me, "Lets fuck."
My dick heard her and went, "No!"
[high voice]
"No, I don't want to fuck.
I don't want to fuck.
I'm scared."
She said, "Is something wrong?"
and I started to cry.
When you're on a girl
and your dick doesn't work,
you have to cry
or they think you're queer.
[laughter]
I called the doctor I play golf with.
I said, "Merlon, meet me at IHOP."
This was the next morning.
I tell him the story,
he gives me a smoker's laugh.
[wheezing laugh]
He says, "Are you still taking
that medicine I gave you?"
Two months earlier on the golf course,
out of the back seat of his car
he throws me a bottle of pills.
"Take these for a while.
You won't give a shit about nothing."
I took them.
Then two weeks later
I watched my dog get run over and went...
[chuckles goofily]
Then I went, "Fuck,
these motherfuckers are serious."
[laughter]
You don't give a shit about nothing.
But one of the side-effects
is that your dick gets cerebral palsy.
It just lays on your ball sack,
like it's a beanbag chair,
and smokes little cigarettes.
[stoner voice]
"What's going on, man?
I don't fuck no more, man.
I just sit here, man."
Yeah. Not fun.
He said, "Cut the dose,
I'll call in some Viagra."
I said, "Merlon, I know you and your wife.
I've had dinner at your house.
I'm not going to be Sunday night funnies
over how Rodney's on weenie pills.
Fuck off."
He took a hunk out of his sausage
and went, "Suit yourself."
I said, "If you call them in,
what time will they be ready?"
[laughter]
Men, there comes a time
in a lot of your lives,
some of you in here, maybe many,
where the doctor says to you,
"Jim, you're just going to have
to take a pill to make your dick work."
When a man hears this,
it is a day of reckoning.
It is a three-day stare
out a fucking window.
You think to yourself, "Maybe I ought
to just buy a metal detector
and start collecting rocks
and stupid shit."
[laughter]
And at some point
you pull yourself up by the bootstraps,
and you drive down to Walgreens
and you pick up your medicine.
You drive through, you don't walk in.
Nobody walks in for weenie pills.
"Howdy, girls. The name's Dick Don't-Work.
Maybe you've heard of me.
Give me 20 minutes. I'm in a Lexus
out front. I'm going to chip a tooth."
[laughter]
No, nobody walks in. You drive through.
And you hope you don't know
the pharmacist, like I do.
Richard, 67 years old, sitting in there,
and I'm thinking,
"I'll pull in, get right out."
He sees me.
There must be 15 people in there.
He holds up the sack and goes,
"Caught up with you, didn't it, boy?"
[laughter]
And through the window he sees me go,
"Fuck you, Richard, fuck you!
Fuck you, Richard!"
I pulled out of there, hit the bricks,
and just tear the side-view mirror
right off my truck.
Ran over it with my back tire.
I pull into the parking lot
to read the side-effects.
"Heart palpitations, dizziness, death."
I thought, "Fuck, I can handle it."
[laughter]
Then I saw how much I paid for it.
A hundred and eighty-seven dollars.
I thought, "God damn, I must have
a four-year supply of this shit."
I pulled out the bottle. You didn't
even have to count. There were eight.
I was like, "What the...
Is there chewing gum,
or ointment, or something?"
I thought, "Surely he got sidetracked
and didn't put them all in there."
So hell, I pulled back around.
"Get over here."
He comes up the window. "What is it?"
I said, "There's eight.
She's 25.
Not 75.
You send me home with eight, I'll be back
at 6:30, throw eight more back in there."
[laughter]
He said, "You can't eat them like that.
They'll kill you."
I said, "Do you just eat one a month?"
He said, "No, eat one
every time you want to do it.
You had better know
when you're going to do it, too."
Yeah, that last part is important.
[laughter]
If you're at the bar
and you've got it in a holster,
and it's about to go down,
you start chewing it up.
Stay another hour,
you have to eat another
and it's going to cost you 50 dollars
to fuck somebody.
[laughter]
The good news is, women in their 50s
and older don't care about shit like this.
They're just glad something exists.
They will tell you, "I might want some
of that dick of yours in about 45 minutes.
So if you want to chew your pill,
I'll fix you a glass of wine.
How does that sound?"
[laughter]
With young girls, no warning. They might
want to fuck by the cantaloupe at Reser's.
You can't eat that shit fast enough.
"Oh, fuck."
They need an epipen of that shit,
where you go...
"Is this what you want?
I think it's what you've been wanting."
Yeah.
These young girls have seen pornography.
It's on their phone.
Don't let them fool you.
They think they're actresses.
She's looking back at me: "Ooh, Daddy!"
I'm like, "I ain't your daddy,
you pervert weirdo."
[laughter]
"Turn your head around, look ahead,
try to enjoy yourself."
She's screaming, "Fuck me harder!"
I go, "I'm fucking you with all I've got."
What do you want me to do,
back up and get a running start?"
[laughter]
"My back hurts. I'm dizzy.
I feel like I'm going to throw up, here."
Everybody knows,
after 45 we don't fuck like this.
We sit in a chair and you ride.
[laughter]
We could die back there.
[woman whoops]
[more women whoop]
I took this girl to Disney World.
[sings] Because I'm an idiot
I'm a moron
July, Orlando, Florida.
Two thousand degrees, down there.
I saw the devil down there,
drinking lighter fluid.
[laughter]
We're walking through Disney World:
"God damn, let's just go back to the hotel
and drink a margarita in the shade.
This is fucking ridiculous."
She goes, "I want to ride more rides.
That's why we came. I want to ride rides."
I said, "Just tell me
you've lost all your baby teeth."
[laughter]
"Tell me you've lost
all your fucking baby teeth."
She's like, "Yeah, duh!"
Later that night,
I was sitting outside Epcot.
They have a 35-minute fireworks display.
It's nice.
And I'm watching it, drinking whiskey out
of a plastic cup I brought from the room.
And she's sitting next to me in a pair
of Mickey Mouse ears, eating a sucker.
[laughter]
Drunker than Otis from Andy Griffith.
She says, "Am I too young for you?"
I didn't even miss a beat. I went, "Yeah."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "24 years ago I could have saw you
in a mall in a baby carriage.
I could have walked up to you with
my buddies and said, 'You see that baby?
One of these days...
I'm gonna fuck that baby.'"
[laughter]
"And I can't get over how goddamn weird
that makes me feel."
And it wasn't 20 minutes after that,
we was on the balcony up in that suite.
She's bent over the railing.
I had my dick in her butt.
Well, what are you gonna do?
[laughter]
You're going to stay married, that's what.
And I'm going to sing some songs for you.
[big cheer]
[wolf whistling]
Thanks for coming out here tonight.
I could use the money.
I know a lot of you fuckers, and after
all those bar tabs I've paid for,
I get it all back tonight.
Thank you.
Second one. Is that right?
[strums gently in country style]
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
And it don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
There she goes
Bitching again
I could have made a million dollars
I could have put it in her purse
Bought her a big old mansion
And things would just get worse
I could lasso her the moon
And throw it in with all her stuff
But she'd want to know where Neptune was
Because the moon ain't good enough
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
And it don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
Oh, there she goes
Bitching again
I could have painted
the Sistine Chapel
I could have won a Nobel Prize
Built the Great Wall there in China
There would be nothing in her eyes
I could have wrote
the whole dang Bible
And read it to her twice
And she would want to know
Why the yard ain't mowed
And the fridge don't make no ice
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
It don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
Oh, here she comes
Bitching again
[cheering]
Yeah!
[strums faster]
I lay my head down
With no regret
My life content now
Here, where I sit
Baby, you chose your way
I chose mine
And I get better
Like sweet red wine
You're missing out, girl
And that's okay
This dick is busy
Every night and day
Baby, I'm gone
Baby, I'm gone, long gone
Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey
You could have had me
In your twat
But now, honey, I think not
Baby, I'm gone
I'm rolling tight now
Up in this club
Checking out booty
I want to rub
My choice is varied
Black, brown and white
Somebody's riding my love tonight
It could have been you, girl
But you moved on
Now does anybody else
Want to lick my ice cream cone?
Yeah, yeah, baby, I'm gone
Baby, I'm gone, long gone
Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey
You could have had me
In your twat
But now, honey, baby, sugar
I think not
Baby, I'm gone
[cheering, applause]
Don't hurt yourselves.
[soft fingerpicking]
I remember the night
You rolled in in your chair
The confidence you showed
Even though people stared
I knew your legs were missing
By the knot in your pants
It didn't stop me
I asked you to dance
And I danced while you sat there
I danced while you sat there
I danced while you sat there
In your chair
I danced while you sat there
And you smiled
As I danced around your chair
You dropped your popcorn
Onto the floor
I reached down to help you pick it up
But you said you would get it yourself
So you pulled yourself down on the floor
It got weird
Because you couldn't get back up
So I danced while you lay there
I danced while you lay there
I danced while you lay there
With popcorn in your hair
I danced while you lay there
Around your chair
With popcorn in your hair
[whooping]
Thank you.
My parents are so proud of me.
I woke up this morning
Saw something on my dick
Something I didn't recognize
Damn near made me sick
Then it took off running
And behind came 20 more
Around my shaft came another herd
From my butt-hole there came more
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I went down to Walgreens
To get poison for my crabs
Ran into my girlfriend
Man, did she look mad
In her hand she had crab shampoo
And a scrub-brush made of steel
I grabbed them both and heard her holler
"Hey, asshole, what's the deal?"
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I got crabs
They're really bad
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend
Real mad
[cheering]
You don't want them.
Put your clothes back on
I'd rather be alone
Your thing is all worn out now
Get on home
You've had too many lovers
And they wore off the hair
There ain't no way I'm going in there
Put your clothes back on
And go on home
I should have never gone out
Should have never had a drink
Take that thing outside
It's starting to stink
Your friends done told me
Where you have been
And I feel sorry for all those men
Put your clothes on
And go on home
Yeah, get that thing away from me
It looks like something
That your dog would eat
I've seen enough
Would you set me free?
I think that thing just barked at me
Woof!
Early this morning it bit my leg
Oh, little darling
Don't make me beg
Put your clothes back on
Go on home
Oh, shit, I'm scared
I need medical care
I think three midgets
Just crawled out of there
I was bad before you came
Would you throw something
Over that pitiful thing
And put your clothes back on
Go on home
Yeah, won't you put your clothes on
And be careful
When you're driving home
[cheering]
For all you married folks in here
who are struggling tonight,
this song is for you.
This will bring you together.
I think.
Well, I know we got married
A long time ago
And things that once seemed new to you
Are now getting old
Well, there's something
I've been missing
Your vagina and your kissing
I'd like to do what we can do
To turn this thing around
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Can we fuck?
Whoa, whoa
La, la, la
La, la, la
I know the kids
They take your time up
And you're working two damn jobs
Your mom is sick with lupus
You clean our house
You feed the dogs
But there's something
I've been needing
It's that thing
That's sometimes bleeding
I'd like to do what we can do
To turn this thing around
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Can we fuck?
Oh, it seems to me
I ain't asking for much
If I pull it out
Can I just get a touch?
It's a candy cane in your mind
Candy girl
It's a love baton
Won't you take it for a twirl?
Boys, like we're camping.
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Baby, can we fuck?
[cheering]
Don't you feel better now?
Don't you feel better?
I got three Mexicans working at my house.
I pay them in cash, because you've got to.
[laughter]
They're here tonight because they're
some of my closest family. I love them.
Benny, 58 years old, he's here tonight.
I don't know where you are but I love you.
He come to me about six months ago,
and he said, "Ronnie..." because
he can't really pronounce my name.
[laughter]
He said, "I'm going to need
a knee replacement."
I said, "Benny, we're not going
to do it around here
with some goddamn veterinarian.
We're going to send you somewhere...
where I'd go, or I'd send my kids.
Thinking to myself, "How much
can a damn knee cost?"
Well, they're 55,000 dollars.
I know.
I paid for the son of a bitch up front.
He went down to Birmingham,
to a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon,
and he gave him a new knee
and he's down there rehabbing,
eating berries and, you know,
bananas and cake,
and, you know,
just enjoying his life at the spa.
Calling me: "It's great down here."
"Well, don't get too goddamn comfortable.
You're coming back, God damn."
And then Clemente, I've spent
about 14,000 on his fucking teeth.
I'm like, "Do you even brush
your goddamn teeth?"
Now when he smiles,
they're fucking beautiful.
Because I fucking bought them.
His teeth cost more than his house.
[laughter]
And here's Donald Trump, who I love.
I'm a fan. I'm a big goddamn fan.
[cheering]
He's my guy.
But he's talking about sending them back,
and I'm like, "You ain't going nowhere.
It's like the Holocaust.
We'll hide your ass in the basement
until shit blows over.
You're going to stay right here.
You know, when we're born, the first thing
we come in contact with is a titty.
[strums guitar]
Laid on our mama's stomachs, it's shoved
into our face as a symbol of nourishment,
peace and tranquility and calm.
Nobody ever gets angry
when they see a pair of titties.
You could be ready to fight,
and some girl pulls her shirt up,
you're like, "Hold on a sec."
[laughter]
Because they're peaceful.
They offer peace.
Peaceful.
It's proven that if a man or woman
looks at a pair of titties for 20 minutes,
your blood pressure will drop 20 points.
That's true.
You're never healthier
than when breastfeeding,
which is why I only date pregnant girls.
[laughter]
Look at how glowy I am, right now.
Although I do have a lot of baby fat,
so I've got to lay off the titty.
Girls, titties offer healing.
Healing.
Tonight, when you're called upon to bring
your titties into the air conditioning,
know you're offering more
than just pleasurable experience...
to me and all the other men
and lesbians in here tonight.
You're offering more than a hearty meal
for an eight-month-old.
You're offering a healing.
Can I get an amen?
-[crowd] Amen!
-That's right.
Somebody in here tonight
has got a bad knee.
I know you're in here.
Five more minutes, you're going
to be dancing. Can I get an amen?
-Let me hear you.
-[crowd] Amen!
Somebody in the back has got their own set
of gonorrhea. Goodbye, gonorrhea.
[laughter]
So long, gonorrhea.
Can I get an amen? Goodbye, gonorrhea.
Amen!
Gonorrhea. Who the fuck
catches gonorrhea any more?
Let's heal somebody.
Oh, it seems to me
This whole world has gone crazy
[whistling, cheering]
Too much hate and killing going on
But when I see the bare chest
Of a woman
You know my worries
And my problems are gone
No one thinks of fighting
When they see a topless girl
And maybe if you would show yours too
We could heal the world
Let's heal somebody, can we, girls?
Come on.
Come on, nobody knows you in here.
Show them to me
Show them to me
Unclasp your bra
And set those puppies free
They look a whole lot better
Without that sweater
And I'm sure you'll agree
If you've got two fun bags, come on
Come on, show them to me
I see a pair up here,
but they've got hair on them.
Those are the wrong kind.
But my headache is
starting to go away, fella.
I don't care if they don't match
Or one's bigger than the other
You can show me one
I'll imagine the other
Even if you're really old
There's nothing wrong
Don't be sad
Your boobs ain't bad
They're just a little long
Show them to me
Lift up your shirt
And let the whole world see
Just disrobe and show your globes
And a happy man I'll be
If you got those chichis
Come on, stand up
I've met a lot of them
But never one I've hated
Even if you've had 13 kids
And you think they look deflated
There's no such thing as a bad breast
I believe this much is true
If you're a big fat man
I'm a titty fan
And I'd love to see yours too
[cheering]
I see them big old titties.
Son of a bitch!
You didn't even wear a bra tonight,
you fat bastard. I love it.
So show them to me
Show them to me
Those are some of the biggest titties
I've seen on a man.
Just like the girls going wild on TV
Just lean back and show your rack
I'll be in ecstasy
If you've got two casabas
You can show them to me
It's OK, I'm a doctor, I can see
All the world will live in harmony
It will do you good
It will give me wood
And we'll make history
If you love your country
It's coming back.
It's coming back!
[cheering]
No wonder you motherfuckers voted
for Cruz.
There ain't one titty in here.
There's a pair of titties right there!
There's a pair of titties back there!
There's some.
There's some more right there.
By golly, somebody got healed.
Then stand up
Show them titties to me
Those are nice right there, boy.
You all been so much fun. Thank you
so much for being out here.
Go home and love each other.
Good night. Thank you.
Thank you for coming out. Thank you.
Good night.
[whistling, cheering, applause]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the next
president of the United States of America:
Rodney Carrington!
[cheering]
How are you?
Hi, everybody.
[whistling, cheering]
Do not adjust your glasses.
I'm this goddamn fat, alright?
[laughter]
I... I used to look at fat people and go,
"How in the hell did you let yourself
get like that?"
And then I just went out
and found out for myself.
I got divorced about four years ago.
And you don't know how important it is
to have somebody in your life,
around eight or nine o'clock at night,
to say, "Don't eat that."
"You do not need to be eating
chocolate cake this time of night."
Because when you live by yourself
like I do,
and you buy cake, put it in the kitchen...
I'm watching TV at night,
the only thing I can think about
is how there's a cake in my damn kitchen.
There's a cake in my kitchen.
When you live by yourself
you don't need a plate.
You've just got to get a fork.
[laughter]
And you'll eat half, and go, "Well, fuck,
I'm here." And you eat the other half.
And three months later
you're in drawstring britches.
[laughter]
When you go to buy jeans and they go,
"What size?" you go, "42, 16."
[laughter]
Those are capri pants for fat girls.
When you lean down to pull your boots on
and you black out, like, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
...you have to start addressing shit.
I cannot remember the last time that
I physically washed my feet with my hands.
I just pour shampoo on them
and go like that.
[laughter]
You know, I'm just not that motivated
right now, folks.
When you get married and, I don't know,
when you get divorced,
whoever tells you they take half...
they get it all.
If you live in this state
they get every bit of it.
I'm just letting you know.
My kids say, "Get a girlfriend."
Are you crazy?
I'm still paying for the last one.
If somebody came to me and went,
"You want pussy, or mac and cheese?"
I'd go, "Fuck...
I'm gonna go with mac and cheese."
[laughter]
It's just less work, you know?
Pussy is just exhausting.
Isn't it? I mean, I like it,
don't get me wrong.
I just don't like what it's attached to,
90 percent of the time.
[laughter, whooping]
That was the problem with my ex-wife.
I liked it, she didn't care for it.
I tried to get her to eat it
in the hot tub one time, and...
she wouldn't touch it.
I don't blame her.
It's gamey. Tastes like duck.
[laughter]
Doesn't it? You're like:
"What the fuck? I can't tell.
What does it taste like?
Seagull or some shit? I can't tell."
[laughter]
That's why we eat it in the dark.
You know that, right?
Because if they saw us,
they would see us going,
"Oh, fuck! How long
do I got to do this shit?"
And they're like, "It's wet, isn't it?"
You're like, "Yeah."
[laughter]
"Yeah, it's wet because I'm
not swallowing this shit."
You breathe...
you breathe through your mouth.
It's the same technique you use
to pick up dog shit.
[laughter]
Isn't it?
When you pick up, you go,
"Oh, shit, oh, fuck."
That's going to be a topic of conversation
on the way home.
[female voice] "Do you hold your breath
when you lick my pussy?"
[male voice] "Fucking Rodney,
God damn it!"
"Do you hold your breath
when you lick my pussy?"
"Well, hell, mid-week,
I've got to go back to work.
I don't need that shit on my breath."
[laughter]
"But if it's Saturday and I'm hammered
I'll lick your butt. I don't give a fuck."
[laughter]
You go down there like a trucker.
[gargles]
That's the time you're glad that
pussy juice don't have purple dye in it.
Saturday night, you look like a clown.
[laughter]
"Have you been eating pussy?
It's all over your goddamn face."
[he sighs]
I'm not that motivated.
I don't have to worry.
Not a lot of women are going, "I want
to fuck that fat little son of a bitch."
[laughter]
Except another fat little son of a bitch.
Which, by the way, are fun to fuck.
Now that old Rod's a fatty, I've had to...
well, you know, I've had a few fatties.
I was with this girl one night.
She was about 180. Real good-looking.
Five-two. One-eighty.
[laughter]
She's sitting on top of me
and she puts her hand on my forehead,
and leans over and presses,
and I'm like, "What the fuck?"
She goes, "I am going
to fuck the shit out of you."
I said, "I hope you do."
She goes, "I am going to tear
your little dick off with my vagina."
I said, "I dare you."
[laughter]
And she got to rocking back and forth.
And she had shaved all her shit,
but it was about two weeks earlier.
[laughter]
Yeah.
She had, like, a sailor beard
going on down there.
And it was rubbing against my stomach.
I'm like, "Whoa, slow the fuck down.
You're going to start a friction fire."
[laughter]
"You're going to burn a hole
in my goddamn stomach.
I need some Neosporin. I can barely keep
a hard-on, it's burning so much.
My leg has been asleep for 15 minutes.
Use the stirrups every now and then."
[laughter]
"I'm going to get some Neosporin,
and when I come back, I'm on top, chubby."
[laughter]
I was down here about two nights ago,
drinking with one of my buddies.
It's one of them bars where you sit
at the bar and see yourself in the mirror.
Get drunker as the night goes on.
And this drunk Christian woman
walked up to me.
Because there's a bunch in this town.
[laughter]
A lot of drunk Christian women.
She walked up to me
and introduced herself like this: "Hey!"
[hiccups]
"I know you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy
with those sick-ass jokes you tell,
because one of these days
you're going to meet your maker."
I couldn't tell if she was serious because
I run into a lot of drunk sons of bitches.
But it dawned on me real quick
that she was serious.
She sat down and told me one of these days
I was going to meet my maker.
I told her I was encouraged,
because I thought I might be going
straight to hell.
[laughter]
I had no idea I was going to get
a chance to explain myself.
Because I feel like I can talk my way
out of anything, given a damn chance.
Then she told me
how upset God was with me,
and I said, "How could I be so wrong,
if I was his idea?"
I'm not my fault.
Do you ever think that maybe God got tired
of stamping out the same old shit,
and thought, "Tonight, I'm going
to make something weird"?
[laughter]
When he was putting me together, he was
using different kinds of ingredients.
He had on big rubber gloves,
and it was late one night.
He was in his laboratory, somebody walked
in and interrupted him: "Hey, God."
And I got loose.
He went, "Fuck! Get that."
[laughter]
"It's got half a brain
and I didn't put a dick on it."
[laughter]
"If it gets loose, it will hate itself."
Imagine how long the damn line is,
to meet your maker.
"Has that fucker let anybody in yet?
I've been here four hours.
The line hasn't moved."
That's going to be
an anxiety-ridden line, isn't it?
Standing in that son of a bitch.
Good God!
"What's wrong?"
"I've got to shit."
"You can't shit outside.
You can only shit when you get in."
Then that moment
when you push through the turnstile
and it's just you and Him.
"How are you doing?
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Rodney. I guess I should ask,
how much do you know?"
[laughter]
I imagine God looking like Clint Eastwood.
You know, the real cool one from the '70s.
Where he sits with a toothpick
in his mouth and pulls it out,
and says, "I know everything."
We're going to be here a while.
[laughter]
I'll pull my pants down and point,
and He's going to go,
"Fuck, I wondered where you were.
Get in here, you were too quick.
I couldn't catch you when you ran off.
Billy, he's here. You know,
the one I told you about. Nothing there.
Get him a beanbag chair
and something to drink.
Tell him we're sorry
and tell him where the shitter is."
[laughter]
Everything we laugh at,
God has something to do with.
He created the penis,
stuck it on the first man.
Looked at it, stared, wondered
and pondered, and thought,
"Ah, fuck. Looks weird by itself.
I have to put something under it."
[laughter, whooping]
Wouldn't you like to have seen
the stuff He sketched out,
long before he decided
on what he decided on?
It must have been awful
for him to come to the conclusion
that a sack with two balls
and hair all over it was his best option.
[laughter]
Because at some point he went,
"Yeah, girls will love that."
[laughter]
I ain't met one that said, "Could you slap
those against my chin a little faster?"
"I must admit, you are a rare bird!
I might have to see you again, Darlene."
[laughter]
Aren't you glad he put it
where he put it, right here,
and not right here?
"You going to eat?"
"No, my balls stink."
"I gag every time I chew. Oh, fuck!
But I can lick them."
"Quit licking your balls
at the dinner table.
Your dick is getting hard
and we have guests."
[laughter]
That's what I did.
It's amazing that we stay together.
We're so different.
I grew up with three young sisters.
I know a lot about you women.
You bleed 84 days out of the year.
And you stink.
Now, I'm not being shitty.
I'm just telling you the truth.
I can tell whether a woman is
on her period just by the way she smells.
I know. I didn't want that fucking talent.
[laughter]
God gave me that. Who wants
that fucking talent? I'll give it to you.
You walk past me in a grocery store,
I'll go, "Yep, she's on it."
A lot of you going, "That's horseshit."
Flip on the lights,
I'll sniff a few of you out.
[laughter]
Be real still. If you cover with your hand
I'll sniff through it.
I can smell up to 70 feet, alright?
A lot of women over here are going,
"Dear God, please don't let this happen."
And I'm not going to embarrass you.
But there's a few of you,
right in this area right here.
Right out of the damn box,
I can smell you.
You bleed 84 days out of the year,
you don't even get dizzy. That's amazing.
I cut my finger on the onion chopper
and went, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
We're not talking a finger prick
on an onion chopper,
we're talking about
a hatchet wound to the crotch.
That bleeds so much, you have to pack it
full of gauze to get it to go away.
[laughter]
And you do. You pack that sucker
full of gauze and go get the kids.
You pack it full of gauze
and you go to the grocery store.
Because you're
an angry, bloody, fucking soldier.
[laughter]
I'm surprised more women don't say:
"I just can't take this shit.
I bleed. I stink. I want it gone.
If you can just fuck me in the ass..."
"Do you know how much I love you?"
[laughter]
"I know how much courage it took
for you to come to me and say that.
And I will fuck you in the ass...
until death do we part.
I love you."
I've seen childbirth
three times in person.
Something else men wouldn't tolerate.
That math equation will never be able
to be answered in your head.
The fact that you can take your thing
and stick it in her thing,
and squirt something on some thing,
and nine months later,
something squirts out of your twat
and costs a million dollars.
[laughter]
You don't think about that.
And then when it comes out
it's that long, and about that big around.
Right out of your twat.
Not a marble. I've seen that.
[laughter]
That looks effortless.
You've got to go...
You've got to go in line to see that.
Fellas, if you walk into the bedroom
with a little sandwich bag full of marbles
you're going to catch a little shit.
Hold them up, shake them at her.
[female voice] "What are you doing?"
[male voice] "Well, I was online yesterday
and something made my dick real hard.
So I was going to see
if you might want to participate."
"What is it?"
"Well...
See, I got these eight marbles
over at Walgreens.
I soaked them in hydrogen peroxide
so they're bacteria-free.
I was going to have you
stick them in your twat,
and have you spit them out one by one
with your little pussy muscle,
and I was going to position myself
where I could watch it,
and jack off on your forehead."
[laughter]
"Doesn't that sound like fun?
I can kind of tell by the look on
your face, you're not real into it, so..."
[laughter]
"I'm going to go get myself a pop tart."
[laughter]
You cannot watch pornography
when you're married.
There's a couple of reasons.
Number one, your spouse cannot compete
with what's on the internet.
And nor should he ever have to.
[laughter]
If we believe the internet,
we have to believe
that every dick is a foot long.
And if that's the case,
I'm going to have to move to China.
[laughter]
[Chinese voice]
"You've got big dick, cowboy."
"Only here, Chingaling, only here.
Back in the States, I'm all balls."
[laughter]
What happens when you watch pornography
is, it's never enough.
Fellas, you know this.
You sick motherfuckers.
Because I'm one of you. It's never enough.
If you watch pornography,
it is never enough.
You might find something you like
and go back to it ten times.
But eventually, it ain't weird enough.
It ain't weird enough. You know why?
Same part of your brain that operates
when you watch pornography:
same part of your brain that operates
when you get hooked on heroin.
Yeah.
I learned this in church.
[laughter]
That's the truth. Think about it.
Nobody starts with heroin.
You start with wine coolers,
work your way up.
Wine coolers, beer, whiskey,
pot, cocaine, pills...
After that you're shooting up,
you've lost maybe 70 pounds,
there's teeth missing,
you're in a dark alley,
and there might be a dick in your butt.
[laughter]
That's your only bargaining power.
"Did you bring my shit?"
"I brought your shit. Shut up."
Most of us stop short of that level,
for obvious reasons.
"Fuck that, I'm just going
to drink whiskey."
What happens when you watch
pornography, same deal.
It starts out innocent,
just like a wine cooler.
First, it's just some woman
sitting on the edge of a bath tub,
rubbing baby oil on her titty.
Your wife might even watch it with you.
"I know why you watch that.
She's got big titties, and I know you,
and she's pretty,
and she's rubbing baby oil all over her."
But eight months down the road,
your wife ain't there. She's at work.
You've been sitting behind the screen,
your breath smells like crackers
and grape juice.
All you've been doing
is snacking and jacking.
[laughter]
You're not looking at some woman
rubbing oil on her titties.
You're looking at a four-foot Asian
with a catfish stuck in her ass.
The tail is wagging,
as it struggles to stay alive.
Even you can't believe how weird you are.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
[laughter]
Jesus. Fuck!
Your wife is the same way.
"What is wrong with you?
We've been married 20 years.
You come in the bedroom. I'm naked.
You don't get a hard-on. What the fuck
is that goddamn fish doing in here?"
[laughter]
Somehow you find a way to make it work.
Every one of you bastards has got
some weird shit you do in the bedroom
that the PTA don't know nothing about.
You're all bubbles at school.
"How you doing? I had it in my ass
about two hours ago."
You don't say that, but you did.
I know you.
You find a way to make it work,
and you should.
There's nothing on the other side.
I'm telling you, I'm there right now.
You know what's on the other side?
Young and dumb, and old and crazy.
There's these young girls out there going,
"I just want to travel the world."
Well, you work at Arby's.
It's going to be a while.
[laughter]
Then you've got middle-aged women
whose husband ran off and left them,
because he thought the grass was greener,
only to find out it was poison ivy.
[laughter]
And she's gained 30 pounds since college,
and she's just a basket case.
"I don't know if anybody is
going to love me again.
I don't know if anybody is
going to love me again."
Well, not with that attitude, Sybil.
Put down the donut, get on a treadmill.
Life's going on, here we go.
Pull it together.
It makes no sense.
You have the most powerful
bargaining chip on the planet.
You have a pussy.
[women whoop]
Yes. See, only two of you know about it.
[laughter]
The rest of you act like,
"What did he say? What?"
If I had what you had, why...
I'd be a whore!
[laughter]
I would walk into my apartment complex
and go, "I'm not paying my rent."
"We're going to throw you out."
I'd say, "You sure about that?"
[laughter]
And I would fiddle with my clitoris.
[laughter]
"Well, I guess you can stay
for another six months."
You can't pull your balls out
and get a free month. It ain't happening.
[laughter]
You're so lucky.
As a woman you could have
no arms and no legs,
and your head could be on backwards,
and somebody would still fuck you.
That's how lucky you are.
As a man in the same predicament,
all you could do is rock back and forth
and go, "Why?"
Why?
Hello?
If you have giant tits
you have an advantage in life.
Even retarded people know this.
[women whoop]
If you have a D-cup size or bigger,
your face could have caught on fire
when you were seven,
and your brother could have broke a shovel
trying to put that motherfucker out,
and you're still going to be OK.
Somebody would go, "Dry them tears,
that fire didn't get them nipples.
[laughter]
God damn,
it took your lips off though, didn't it?
You look like a barracuda."
[laughter]
I know a lot of women out there:
"But we want equal pay!"
You could have had ten times the pay
if you used your noggin and your puss!
If every one of you girls
locked arms on the planet,
and stood on top of Mount Kilimanjaro,
wherever the fuck that is,
and hollered down:
"We ain't coming down until we get
ten times the amount of pay as men get!"
It might take six or eight months,
but eventually you would hear us
at the bottom of the mountain.
Alright!
[laughter]
Fuck!
Come on down!
And bring that pussy with you.
Alright, men, listen.
They're coming.
When they get down here, grab one
and go fuck the shit out of them.
When the last man is done,
we're going to tell them we were
just kidding about all that pay shit.
[laughter]
They're going to get agitated
and run back up that mountain.
We're going to have seven months
of peace and tranquility,
fishing, golfing, hunting,
and then we're going to figure out
some idea to fuck them for Christmas.
How does that sound?
[whooping, cheering]
You with me?
That's right.
These are jokes. If you learn anything,
it's a goddamn accident.
You girls are pissed:
"See how they are? This is bullshit.
We come off the mountain, they fuck us,
and then fuck us again."
[laughter]
Yeah, pretty much.
The fact of the matter is,
we can't live without you.
We like you. A lot.
Here's one thing we'd like you to do.
We'd like you to quit trying to maintain
your birth weight of eight pounds.
[laughter]
Society has dictated to you that you've
got to look like a goddamn skeleton.
No man I know, love, or care about,
or respect, wants to fuck a skeleton.
[cheering, whistling]
Or...
some muscled-up woman who looks
like a goddamn track star named Kevin.
"Hey, Bill, how's that girl you're dating?
That one that looks like Kevin."
[laughter]
"How's that?"
"Yucky."
"Fucking yucky, isn't it? Fucking yucky."
Yuck. A man goes down a raft,
he likes handles.
Likes to hold on. It's more fun that way.
Goes down a river, he wants
a raft with handles, right here.
He wants to reach round
above your bush and hold your cooch.
Another thing. Quit shaving your twat.
After 40 it's beat to shit.
You need hair on that.
[laughter]
After 40, it looks like
a sea urchin out of a shell.
You need some fucking hair, alright?
It don't need to go down your leg
to your ankles,
but it can be shaved
in a fucking triangle, like the '70s.
You goddamn older women: "I shaved my..."
Fuck! Stop. Fucking stop.
[laughter]
You're always on a diet.
"You want some cake?"
"No. I am dieting."
"Well, I didn't know.
I saw you eat pecan pie last night."
"You motherfucker!"
[laughter]
I can't tell if you're mad
because you got caught, or what.
And women take that shit seriously.
You better be able to recognize
when they've been dieting, even for a day.
[female voice] "You son of a bitch,
can't you see I'm starving?
I didn't eat a goddamn thing all day.
I am fucking shaking."
"Well, go eat something."
"No! That's how I got like this."
[laughter]
You come home with ten Lean Cuisines,
fired up from Doctor Oz,
and throw them on the counter.
"What are you going to do with those?"
"I'm going to try to diet,
if I can get some support in this house."
[laughter]
"What about that trampoline in front of
our closet that you never jumped on?
When are you going to hop on that,
Cheryl Tiegs?"
[laughter]
"I stub my toe on it every morning,
getting dressed."
"You know what? This is exactly
what I'm talking about, right here.
This is why I can't lose weight."
"Are you fucking serious right now?"
[laughter]
"I'm the reason you're chubarilla?"
Now, you don't say that, because
you've got a goddamn brain in your head.
When you've been married a long time,
there's only a few words.
And these are them:
"I know. You're right.
I should have listened better.
I'll get the kids.
Don't worry.
You look pretty.
I love you.
Go look in my wallet."
Yeah. You know why you know that?
Because when you were young,
youthful pride had no filter
when you argued with your wife.
You would go, "Fuck you!"
You ever say "Fuck you"
to the woman you love?
Yeah, isn't that magical,
how that works out?
[laughter]
When you say "Fuck you" to your wife,
or the woman you love,
you have just booked yourself a ticket
to No-Pussy-Ville.
And it's a long walk.
Twelve hundred miles,
and your buddies are there.
It's like The Island of Misfit Toys.
You go to No-Pussy-Ville,
you come back a changed man.
When you come back, you are changed.
[laughter]
Hi.
[laughter]
Look, I'm sorry that I said "Fuck you"
six months ago.
I meant to say, "I love you,"
and it came out, "Fuck you."
[laughter]
And I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.
And she'll tell you, you are sorry.
"You think you're going
to waltz in and apologize?
And hop back on me
and get inside Momma's little biscuit?"
[laughter]
"I didn't say anything about a biscuit.
"Well, that's good
because you're not getting any of this
until you're back in this: my heart."
"How long is that going to fucking take?"
[laughter]
Instead you say to her,
"I'm going to diet with you."
And when you say it you're like,
"Why the hell did I say that?"
Men don't like to diet.
We don't care if our buddies are fat.
Our fat buddies are our funnest buddies.
Because they're happy. You know why?
Because they're fucking full.
[laughter]
Yeah. They think diabetes is an island
in the fucking Caribbean somewhere.
"Me and Laura are going down to Diabetes
in June. You want to go?"
[laughter]
Men don't tell each other we're fat.
We don't go:
"Jim, God damn,
eat a chicken salad, fat-ass.
You look like hell."
It's not until our women tell us,
"You're fat,"
that a man goes, "What?
How long?"
"A long time."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because we walk past the same mirror
every morning, you dumb-ass. That's why."
[laughter]
Men, you don't know you're fat.
I'm going to help you.
You go home tonight,
lay down on your bed. No pillow.
Alright? It's important, no pillow.
Like this, flat. Just like this.
This is how you're going to lay.
Look straight at the ceiling,
and when you're laying down,
it's as skinny as you can get.
It's as skinny as you can get.
Have your wife come in,
and she's going to get up on her elbow
and jack you off, like this.
If while you're there,
out of your peripheral vision,
you can't see her hand or arm moving...
[laughter]
...that's how you know you're a fat-ass.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Oh, shit. Alright.
Show's over! Son of a bitch.
Another way you can tell you're fat:
when you've got to use your legs
to throw yourself up, like that.
[he chuckles]
God damn.
I've got to quit telling stories
where I lay down.
[laughter]
"We saw him. That fucker laid down,
never got up again. We had to leave."
Look,
there's moments in marriage
where you look at each other and go,
"I ought to kill you
in your goddamn sleep."
That is completely normal.
It is normal. It's a feeling.
It will pass. Do not act on it.
There's going to be a moment, fellas,
walking with your wife..
You might even be at the zoo.
And her shorts are too short, and you
notice that her ass is goddamn gigantic.
And you also notice that you're married.
It comes to you: "I'm married to that."
And you're going to get
really, really sad.
You're not even going to want
to look at the animals.
"Honey, come look at the monkeys."
"No, God damn, woman."
Then you go home, look in the mirror,
and you're not much of a prize either.
And you're going to find a way
to love her again.
You probably fantasize
about what's out there.
"Something younger."
You don't want that shit. I've had it.
When you get divorced, it's like
the Coast Guard hovers over your house.
Nobody sees divorce coming.
You might think about it,
but you don't see it coming.
Helicopter flies over your house.
You're mowing.
A guy drops down, grabs you,
pulls you up in the helicopter.
He slaps the fuck out of you,
puts a lifejacket on you, flies you to
the middle of the ocean, throws you out.
And you just swim. You don't know
what the fuck just happened.
You've just been taken out
of your whole life. Can't see land.
You make the dumbest decisions
you'll ever make during this time.
Something floats by, you eat it,
only to find out it's a turd.
[laughter]
These are the kind of things you do.
You drink more than you normally drink.
During this time, I met a girl
who was 20 years younger.
We went out to clubs...
[loud booming]
"What the fuck am I doing
in this goddamn place?"
There's nothing you have in common
with a woman 20 years your junior.
You know why? Because when
you're 47 years old, you've lived life.
You've been to funerals, weddings...
You cry at a Hallmark commercial.
They look at you: "Why are you crying?"
"Because I've lived life.
You're fucking 12."
[laughter]
I would share a good life story
with her, at dinner.
She'd look at me like a hung moon,
and then go...
I was looking for something else from her.
The reason you're with your wife is
because she says something you respect.
She has an opinion that reminds you
that you're a fucking idiot,
and you're like, "Damn it,
I need her in my life."
But we're sitting there, and she would go:
"You've just got to stay positive.
I'd say, "God damn,
you dug deep for that one, didn't you?"
[laughter]
It was all I could do,
not to take the fork out of her hand
and just stab her in the goddamn forehead.
[laughter]
Protect other men
from that kind of stupidity.
But then we would go home.
And she would take off all her clothes.
[sings choral melody]
[sings in Latin]
[sings high note, people cheer]
Her skin was not yet reptilian, like mine.
You do not want to be dating after 45.
You're introducing more than yourself.
You're thinking, "When do I tell her about
the toenail that looks like a corn chip?"
[laughter]
"Or the mole on my back
that has an Afro on top of it?"
Yeah, it's not pleasant.
The woman you have now, she goes,
"Look at that nasty goddamn toe."
She'll still fuck you
after you leave the beach.
But a new one goes,
"Oh! No, can't do that. Fuck you."
Her skin was not yet reptilian.
It was perfect.
At 25, you're gorgeous.
Her tits went, "What?"
Totally different than the ones
I was used to that went,
"Hey, Rodney, how you doing there, buddy?"
[laughter]
"We've been hanging around
waiting on you."
Like big dog ears hanging off,
with a nipple right at the end.
I reached between her legs, it felt like a
baby horse taking a peanut out of my hand.
I went, "What the...
That thing's starving.
I'm going to get some more peanuts."
[laughter]
She said to me, "Lets fuck."
My dick heard her and went, "No!"
[high voice]
"No, I don't want to fuck.
I don't want to fuck.
I'm scared."
She said, "Is something wrong?"
and I started to cry.
When you're on a girl
and your dick doesn't work,
you have to cry
or they think you're queer.
[laughter]
I called the doctor I play golf with.
I said, "Merlon, meet me at IHOP."
This was the next morning.
I tell him the story,
he gives me a smoker's laugh.
[wheezing laugh]
He says, "Are you still taking
that medicine I gave you?"
Two months earlier on the golf course,
out of the back seat of his car
he throws me a bottle of pills.
"Take these for a while.
You won't give a shit about nothing."
I took them.
Then two weeks later
I watched my dog get run over and went...
[chuckles goofily]
Then I went, "Fuck,
these motherfuckers are serious."
[laughter]
You don't give a shit about nothing.
But one of the side-effects
is that your dick gets cerebral palsy.
It just lays on your ball sack,
like it's a beanbag chair,
and smokes little cigarettes.
[stoner voice]
"What's going on, man?
I don't fuck no more, man.
I just sit here, man."
Yeah. Not fun.
He said, "Cut the dose,
I'll call in some Viagra."
I said, "Merlon, I know you and your wife.
I've had dinner at your house.
I'm not going to be Sunday night funnies
over how Rodney's on weenie pills.
Fuck off."
He took a hunk out of his sausage
and went, "Suit yourself."
I said, "If you call them in,
what time will they be ready?"
[laughter]
Men, there comes a time
in a lot of your lives,
some of you in here, maybe many,
where the doctor says to you,
"Jim, you're just going to have
to take a pill to make your dick work."
When a man hears this,
it is a day of reckoning.
It is a three-day stare
out a fucking window.
You think to yourself, "Maybe I ought
to just buy a metal detector
and start collecting rocks
and stupid shit."
[laughter]
And at some point
you pull yourself up by the bootstraps,
and you drive down to Walgreens
and you pick up your medicine.
You drive through, you don't walk in.
Nobody walks in for weenie pills.
"Howdy, girls. The name's Dick Don't-Work.
Maybe you've heard of me.
Give me 20 minutes. I'm in a Lexus
out front. I'm going to chip a tooth."
[laughter]
No, nobody walks in. You drive through.
And you hope you don't know
the pharmacist, like I do.
Richard, 67 years old, sitting in there,
and I'm thinking,
"I'll pull in, get right out."
He sees me.
There must be 15 people in there.
He holds up the sack and goes,
"Caught up with you, didn't it, boy?"
[laughter]
And through the window he sees me go,
"Fuck you, Richard, fuck you!
Fuck you, Richard!"
I pulled out of there, hit the bricks,
and just tear the side-view mirror
right off my truck.
Ran over it with my back tire.
I pull into the parking lot
to read the side-effects.
"Heart palpitations, dizziness, death."
I thought, "Fuck, I can handle it."
[laughter]
Then I saw how much I paid for it.
A hundred and eighty-seven dollars.
I thought, "God damn, I must have
a four-year supply of this shit."
I pulled out the bottle. You didn't
even have to count. There were eight.
I was like, "What the...
Is there chewing gum,
or ointment, or something?"
I thought, "Surely he got sidetracked
and didn't put them all in there."
So hell, I pulled back around.
"Get over here."
He comes up the window. "What is it?"
I said, "There's eight.
She's 25.
Not 75.
You send me home with eight, I'll be back
at 6:30, throw eight more back in there."
[laughter]
He said, "You can't eat them like that.
They'll kill you."
I said, "Do you just eat one a month?"
He said, "No, eat one
every time you want to do it.
You had better know
when you're going to do it, too."
Yeah, that last part is important.
[laughter]
If you're at the bar
and you've got it in a holster,
and it's about to go down,
you start chewing it up.
Stay another hour,
you have to eat another
and it's going to cost you 50 dollars
to fuck somebody.
[laughter]
The good news is, women in their 50s
and older don't care about shit like this.
They're just glad something exists.
They will tell you, "I might want some
of that dick of yours in about 45 minutes.
So if you want to chew your pill,
I'll fix you a glass of wine.
How does that sound?"
[laughter]
With young girls, no warning. They might
want to fuck by the cantaloupe at Reser's.
You can't eat that shit fast enough.
"Oh, fuck."
They need an epipen of that shit,
where you go...
"Is this what you want?
I think it's what you've been wanting."
Yeah.
These young girls have seen pornography.
It's on their phone.
Don't let them fool you.
They think they're actresses.
She's looking back at me: "Ooh, Daddy!"
I'm like, "I ain't your daddy,
you pervert weirdo."
[laughter]
"Turn your head around, look ahead,
try to enjoy yourself."
She's screaming, "Fuck me harder!"
I go, "I'm fucking you with all I've got."
What do you want me to do,
back up and get a running start?"
[laughter]
"My back hurts. I'm dizzy.
I feel like I'm going to throw up, here."
Everybody knows,
after 45 we don't fuck like this.
We sit in a chair and you ride.
[laughter]
We could die back there.
[woman whoops]
[more women whoop]
I took this girl to Disney World.
[sings] Because I'm an idiot
I'm a moron
July, Orlando, Florida.
Two thousand degrees, down there.
I saw the devil down there,
drinking lighter fluid.
[laughter]
We're walking through Disney World:
"God damn, let's just go back to the hotel
and drink a margarita in the shade.
This is fucking ridiculous."
She goes, "I want to ride more rides.
That's why we came. I want to ride rides."
I said, "Just tell me
you've lost all your baby teeth."
[laughter]
"Tell me you've lost
all your fucking baby teeth."
She's like, "Yeah, duh!"
Later that night,
I was sitting outside Epcot.
They have a 35-minute fireworks display.
It's nice.
And I'm watching it, drinking whiskey out
of a plastic cup I brought from the room.
And she's sitting next to me in a pair
of Mickey Mouse ears, eating a sucker.
[laughter]
Drunker than Otis from Andy Griffith.
She says, "Am I too young for you?"
I didn't even miss a beat. I went, "Yeah."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "24 years ago I could have saw you
in a mall in a baby carriage.
I could have walked up to you with
my buddies and said, 'You see that baby?
One of these days...
I'm gonna fuck that baby.'"
[laughter]
"And I can't get over how goddamn weird
that makes me feel."
And it wasn't 20 minutes after that,
we was on the balcony up in that suite.
She's bent over the railing.
I had my dick in her butt.
Well, what are you gonna do?
[laughter]
You're going to stay married, that's what.
And I'm going to sing some songs for you.
[big cheer]
[wolf whistling]
Thanks for coming out here tonight.
I could use the money.
I know a lot of you fuckers, and after
all those bar tabs I've paid for,
I get it all back tonight.
Thank you.
Second one. Is that right?
[strums gently in country style]
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
And it don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
There she goes
Bitching again
I could have made a million dollars
I could have put it in her purse
Bought her a big old mansion
And things would just get worse
I could lasso her the moon
And throw it in with all her stuff
But she'd want to know where Neptune was
Because the moon ain't good enough
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
And it don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
Oh, there she goes
Bitching again
I could have painted
the Sistine Chapel
I could have won a Nobel Prize
Built the Great Wall there in China
There would be nothing in her eyes
I could have wrote
the whole dang Bible
And read it to her twice
And she would want to know
Why the yard ain't mowed
And the fridge don't make no ice
There she goes
Bitching again
Saying things she's heard
From all her friends
It don't matter what I do
Or where the hell I've been
Oh, here she comes
Bitching again
[cheering]
Yeah!
[strums faster]
I lay my head down
With no regret
My life content now
Here, where I sit
Baby, you chose your way
I chose mine
And I get better
Like sweet red wine
You're missing out, girl
And that's okay
This dick is busy
Every night and day
Baby, I'm gone
Baby, I'm gone, long gone
Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey
You could have had me
In your twat
But now, honey, I think not
Baby, I'm gone
I'm rolling tight now
Up in this club
Checking out booty
I want to rub
My choice is varied
Black, brown and white
Somebody's riding my love tonight
It could have been you, girl
But you moved on
Now does anybody else
Want to lick my ice cream cone?
Yeah, yeah, baby, I'm gone
Baby, I'm gone, long gone
Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey
You could have had me
In your twat
But now, honey, baby, sugar
I think not
Baby, I'm gone
[cheering, applause]
Don't hurt yourselves.
[soft fingerpicking]
I remember the night
You rolled in in your chair
The confidence you showed
Even though people stared
I knew your legs were missing
By the knot in your pants
It didn't stop me
I asked you to dance
And I danced while you sat there
I danced while you sat there
I danced while you sat there
In your chair
I danced while you sat there
And you smiled
As I danced around your chair
You dropped your popcorn
Onto the floor
I reached down to help you pick it up
But you said you would get it yourself
So you pulled yourself down on the floor
It got weird
Because you couldn't get back up
So I danced while you lay there
I danced while you lay there
I danced while you lay there
With popcorn in your hair
I danced while you lay there
Around your chair
With popcorn in your hair
[whooping]
Thank you.
My parents are so proud of me.
I woke up this morning
Saw something on my dick
Something I didn't recognize
Damn near made me sick
Then it took off running
And behind came 20 more
Around my shaft came another herd
From my butt-hole there came more
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I went down to Walgreens
To get poison for my crabs
Ran into my girlfriend
Man, did she look mad
In her hand she had crab shampoo
And a scrub-brush made of steel
I grabbed them both and heard her holler
"Hey, asshole, what's the deal?"
I got crabs
I got crabs
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend mad
I got crabs
They're really bad
Not the kind you eat at Joe's
But the kind to make your girlfriend
Real mad
[cheering]
You don't want them.
Put your clothes back on
I'd rather be alone
Your thing is all worn out now
Get on home
You've had too many lovers
And they wore off the hair
There ain't no way I'm going in there
Put your clothes back on
And go on home
I should have never gone out
Should have never had a drink
Take that thing outside
It's starting to stink
Your friends done told me
Where you have been
And I feel sorry for all those men
Put your clothes on
And go on home
Yeah, get that thing away from me
It looks like something
That your dog would eat
I've seen enough
Would you set me free?
I think that thing just barked at me
Woof!
Early this morning it bit my leg
Oh, little darling
Don't make me beg
Put your clothes back on
Go on home
Oh, shit, I'm scared
I need medical care
I think three midgets
Just crawled out of there
I was bad before you came
Would you throw something
Over that pitiful thing
And put your clothes back on
Go on home
Yeah, won't you put your clothes on
And be careful
When you're driving home
[cheering]
For all you married folks in here
who are struggling tonight,
this song is for you.
This will bring you together.
I think.
Well, I know we got married
A long time ago
And things that once seemed new to you
Are now getting old
Well, there's something
I've been missing
Your vagina and your kissing
I'd like to do what we can do
To turn this thing around
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Can we fuck?
Whoa, whoa
La, la, la
La, la, la
I know the kids
They take your time up
And you're working two damn jobs
Your mom is sick with lupus
You clean our house
You feed the dogs
But there's something
I've been needing
It's that thing
That's sometimes bleeding
I'd like to do what we can do
To turn this thing around
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Can we fuck?
Oh, it seems to me
I ain't asking for much
If I pull it out
Can I just get a touch?
It's a candy cane in your mind
Candy girl
It's a love baton
Won't you take it for a twirl?
Boys, like we're camping.
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
How about you get a better job
So you can buy me a better truck?
How about we fuck?
How about you suck?
I don't need an answer now
But while we're waiting
Baby, can we fuck?
[cheering]
Don't you feel better now?
Don't you feel better?
I got three Mexicans working at my house.
I pay them in cash, because you've got to.
[laughter]
They're here tonight because they're
some of my closest family. I love them.
Benny, 58 years old, he's here tonight.
I don't know where you are but I love you.
He come to me about six months ago,
and he said, "Ronnie..." because
he can't really pronounce my name.
[laughter]
He said, "I'm going to need
a knee replacement."
I said, "Benny, we're not going
to do it around here
with some goddamn veterinarian.
We're going to send you somewhere...
where I'd go, or I'd send my kids.
Thinking to myself, "How much
can a damn knee cost?"
Well, they're 55,000 dollars.
I know.
I paid for the son of a bitch up front.
He went down to Birmingham,
to a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon,
and he gave him a new knee
and he's down there rehabbing,
eating berries and, you know,
bananas and cake,
and, you know,
just enjoying his life at the spa.
Calling me: "It's great down here."
"Well, don't get too goddamn comfortable.
You're coming back, God damn."
And then Clemente, I've spent
about 14,000 on his fucking teeth.
I'm like, "Do you even brush
your goddamn teeth?"
Now when he smiles,
they're fucking beautiful.
Because I fucking bought them.
His teeth cost more than his house.
[laughter]
And here's Donald Trump, who I love.
I'm a fan. I'm a big goddamn fan.
[cheering]
He's my guy.
But he's talking about sending them back,
and I'm like, "You ain't going nowhere.
It's like the Holocaust.
We'll hide your ass in the basement
until shit blows over.
You're going to stay right here.
You know, when we're born, the first thing
we come in contact with is a titty.
[strums guitar]
Laid on our mama's stomachs, it's shoved
into our face as a symbol of nourishment,
peace and tranquility and calm.
Nobody ever gets angry
when they see a pair of titties.
You could be ready to fight,
and some girl pulls her shirt up,
you're like, "Hold on a sec."
[laughter]
Because they're peaceful.
They offer peace.
Peaceful.
It's proven that if a man or woman
looks at a pair of titties for 20 minutes,
your blood pressure will drop 20 points.
That's true.
You're never healthier
than when breastfeeding,
which is why I only date pregnant girls.
[laughter]
Look at how glowy I am, right now.
Although I do have a lot of baby fat,
so I've got to lay off the titty.
Girls, titties offer healing.
Healing.
Tonight, when you're called upon to bring
your titties into the air conditioning,
know you're offering more
than just pleasurable experience...
to me and all the other men
and lesbians in here tonight.
You're offering more than a hearty meal
for an eight-month-old.
You're offering a healing.
Can I get an amen?
-[crowd] Amen!
-That's right.
Somebody in here tonight
has got a bad knee.
I know you're in here.
Five more minutes, you're going
to be dancing. Can I get an amen?
-Let me hear you.
-[crowd] Amen!
Somebody in the back has got their own set
of gonorrhea. Goodbye, gonorrhea.
[laughter]
So long, gonorrhea.
Can I get an amen? Goodbye, gonorrhea.
Amen!
Gonorrhea. Who the fuck
catches gonorrhea any more?
Let's heal somebody.
Oh, it seems to me
This whole world has gone crazy
[whistling, cheering]
Too much hate and killing going on
But when I see the bare chest
Of a woman
You know my worries
And my problems are gone
No one thinks of fighting
When they see a topless girl
And maybe if you would show yours too
We could heal the world
Let's heal somebody, can we, girls?
Come on.
Come on, nobody knows you in here.
Show them to me
Show them to me
Unclasp your bra
And set those puppies free
They look a whole lot better
Without that sweater
And I'm sure you'll agree
If you've got two fun bags, come on
Come on, show them to me
I see a pair up here,
but they've got hair on them.
Those are the wrong kind.
But my headache is
starting to go away, fella.
I don't care if they don't match
Or one's bigger than the other
You can show me one
I'll imagine the other
Even if you're really old
There's nothing wrong
Don't be sad
Your boobs ain't bad
They're just a little long
Show them to me
Lift up your shirt
And let the whole world see
Just disrobe and show your globes
And a happy man I'll be
If you got those chichis
Come on, stand up
I've met a lot of them
But never one I've hated
Even if you've had 13 kids
And you think they look deflated
There's no such thing as a bad breast
I believe this much is true
If you're a big fat man
I'm a titty fan
And I'd love to see yours too
[cheering]
I see them big old titties.
Son of a bitch!
You didn't even wear a bra tonight,
you fat bastard. I love it.
So show them to me
Show them to me
Those are some of the biggest titties
I've seen on a man.
Just like the girls going wild on TV
Just lean back and show your rack
I'll be in ecstasy
If you've got two casabas
You can show them to me
It's OK, I'm a doctor, I can see
All the world will live in harmony
It will do you good
It will give me wood
And we'll make history
If you love your country
It's coming back.
It's coming back!
[cheering]
No wonder you motherfuckers voted
for Cruz.
There ain't one titty in here.
There's a pair of titties right there!
There's a pair of titties back there!
There's some.
There's some more right there.
By golly, somebody got healed.
Then stand up
Show them titties to me
Those are nice right there, boy.
You all been so much fun. Thank you
so much for being out here.
Go home and love each other.
Good night. Thank you.
Thank you for coming out. Thank you.
Good night.
[whistling, cheering, applause]