Romantic Comedy (1983) Movie Script
1
Woman: Excuse me.
Could you tell me
where I might find
the subway to Sutton place?
Man: Lady, take a cab.
Believe me, you'd be better off.
Man: Get some of these
people out of the way here.
Woman: Wait a minute.
We got that?
Wait.
There's interference.
Man: Can I get a clear
shot of Mr. Ambassador?
Careful of her hair.
Woman: That's okay, girls.
I'll get it.
Look who's here.
Woman: Allison, I'm sorry.
I was looking for Jason.
My parents
and assorted relatives
from the Bahamas and Paris
are in all the upstairs rooms,
so he's been
sleeping in the study.
Do you think he's
as tense as I am?
Probably, but my wedding present
should restore
his natural arrogance.
What is it?
A new writing partner.
Why aren't you dressed?
My club's sending Olga
or someone over
to give me a rubdown.
How's the house?
Filling up.
And at the risk of introducing
a somber note into
this festive affair...
Costing you a bundle,
which you can ill afford.
God, you're crass.
I'm supposed to be.
I'm your agent.
Jason Carmichael's residence.
Yes, he is...
Hold on a minute.
Long distance.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hello.
No, you're not the last person
I expected to hear from,
but I have had more thrilling
beginnings to my day.
Look, you were the one
who walked out, not me.
It wasn't what you did,
it was the way you did it.
If you'd been open with me
instead of sneaking behi...
You've been meeting with him
for over three months!
We were together 11 years,
and I had to find out
by reading it in a column!
I... I agree,
no point at all,
so I'm gonna put the phone down.
I have a very busy
schedule today.
I'm going to have a massage
and then get married.
Herman?
After all that's happened,
can you imagine
the gall of that man?
Jason, he was your writing
partner, not your wife.
You sound like a jilted lover.
Why shouldn't I feel jilted?
The man was meeting
with some film producers
behind my back working
on a screenplay!
I'm sure he wanted you
to work on it with him,
but he knew you'd
never move to L.A.
I'm too young to start writing
about real life from memory.
I sense a certain
panic in you, Jason.
What is it?
Herman and I met right after
I arrived from england.
Together we had five smash hits,
two nervous hits, and one flop.
Lately I've been having
this persistent,
nasty little thought.
Was he the talented one?
Blanche, this is no time
for a pause.
I'm always tongue-tied
when you show you're human.
Where the hell is Olga?
I have a knot in my neck
that feels as if it was
tied by a stevedore.
What did you think
of that play I sent you,
blue is for boys?
I don't know.
It had a certain quaint charm.
I'm in no mood to make
decisions right now.
Who wrote it, anyway?
His name is p.J. Craddock.
We've just corresponded,
so I don't know
a damn thing about him
except that he teaches school
somewhere up in Vermont.
Why don't you take the script
along on your honeymoon?
It'll help fill up
the awkward pauses.
The author's coming into town
two weeks from today,
so I set up a meeting
with him here at 11:00, okay?
What makes you think
there'll be awkward pauses?
Just a figure of speech.
Did I tell you Allison's father
is ambassador to New Zealand?
Not in the last ten minutes.
Why are you so impressed?
Blanche, the man
has a flag on his car.
What'd you do?
Marry her so you could
double-park
in downtown Auckland?
Woman: I'll get it
again, girls.
About ten minutes to go.
Jason: Come in.
I'd really appreciate it
if someone would get that.
Hello.
Yes.
Olga called in with the flu
and can't come.
Yes, I'll pass on your message.
Where's Olga?
Olga couldn't come.
Olga has the flu.
I'm overawed.
Um, thank you.
You're younger looking
than in your photos.
'Course most of those
are head shots.
Ha ha.
God.
What a dumb thing to say.
Could I ask you a question?
Of course.
Are you naked?
Either that or I'm standing
in a... in a severe draft.
You're just a white blob to me.
I don't have my glasses on.
I have very weak eyes.
I hope you have strong hands.
Strong hands?
Yeah, I have
a knot in my shoulder.
Do you think you can
do anything about that?
Well, I could try.
But first I'd like to say
that I've seen all your plays,
and I've admired your work
for many years.
You and your partner have brightened
my days, molded my tastes,
and although
impossible to attain,
have provided me with a
standard of civilized behavior.
You're not the masseuse.
You thought I was?
Who are you?
I'm p.J. Craddock.
My given name is Phoebe.
You're two weeks early.
No, it's today. I have
the letter right here.
It's a bit grubby
from constant reading.
There it is.
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Gladly.
It's so funny, isn't it?
How one's fantasies
never turn out
quite as one expects, I mean,
I always visualized you
wearing a sports coat.
That was the most embarrassing
experience of my life!
My god!
It's like I'm standing
in front of...
My god!
I'm sorry.
I thought I heard you
yelling as though
you were in pain.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Excuse me again.
Shit!
Look, maybe I should
come back at the easter break.
Why?
We're having so much fun.
They seem to be preparing for
quite a function out there.
Sorry, miss craddock.
I'm afraid you've caught me
at an awkward time.
Yes. There's a hippopotamus
in the room, isn't there?
I beg your pardon?
It's an expression.
There's something present
that neither of us
wants to acknowledge,
but we both know
it's there, don't we?
We do?
I've been thinking about
what you were doing
when I came back into the room.
Miss craddock, I really
don't think it's necessary...
No. I think we should
bring it out into the open.
You were dancing around the room
uttering odd guttural sounds.
Well, I want you
to know that I don't
think any the worse
of you for that.
Sometimes, when I'm
alone in the classroom,
I hook my feet over a
rafter, hang upside down,
and sing the impossible dream.
What I mean is,
we all do peculiar things
when we're alone.
You're very kind.
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
No, no.
I have some questions.
Miss craddock,
do you plan on getting married?
Eventually.
That's not good enough.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
this was an exam.
The point is, I don't want
to invest in a partnership
and then have you get
the urge to become a mother.
I see.
No, you don't.
You don't know a damn thing
about the theater.
The working conditions
are intolerable,
the people you have to deal
with are egocentric maniacs,
and it's filled with
rejections on every level.
When you're writing comedy,
the opposite of success
isn't failure,
it's embarrassment,
and it's very public,
miss craddock.
They write headlines.
All right, that's
the pleasant part.
You'll be working
with me, miss craddock,
and I am a difficult person.
In fact, some people
think I'm impossible.
I'm demanding,
I'm selfish, I'm obsessive,
moody, arrogant,
rarely satisfied.
My own mother once said
I lacked warmth.
Are you willing
to accept these conditions?
Sounds like a lot of fun.
All right, damn it!
We'll give it a try!
I just have one question...
Why are you so angry?
I'm sorry I...
It's just... Your timing.
I'd... I'd made certain plans.
And also this damn tie
won't tie.
Maybe I could help.
I simple windsor knot
will do for now.
There.
Time to get
this show on the ro...
Who's she?
It's a long story.
I'll explain later.
Well, it's now or never, kiddo.
I'll be right there.
I'm getting married.
I have to go on my honeymoon.
Can you start working
in three weeks' time?
Look, would you like a drink?
Yes, I really would.
Scotch?
It doesn't matter.
I don't drink.
It just seems fitting.
Phoebe...
To us.
Why... why would he want
to admit to that?
He had no choice.
Well, i... i hope it hasn't
spoiled it for dinner tonight.
I've been trying to tell Kate
that there's nothing
to get excited about.
I can vouch for that.
Thanks a lot.
Woman: And you object?
Man:
Why should I object?
I thought the rehearsal went well
today, didn't you?
Well, all my stuff worked.
It all worked, Phoebe.
Of course, Boston may be
a different story.
Man: Hey, taxi!
Right over here.
All right, all right.
Sit down and shut up
before I really lose my temper.
Woman: What right do you have
to lose your temper?
Because frankly
I don't like being
accused, tried,
and convicted of adultery
while I'm in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. F. Lee Bailey was busy.
They're really loving it,
aren't they?
It's only Boston, Phoebe.
Good evening.
What will it be, miss craddock?
A triple scotch.
Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you.
Jason, we need you.
They wanna take your picture.
Okay.
Allison.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Just wanna take a couple photos.
Where is Phoebe?
Has anyone seen Phoebe?
And smile.
I am smiling.
Come on. Smile.
We really should
have Phoebe here.
Where'd everybody go?
The reviews came in.
Allison:
I'm sorry about the play.
You mean the notices.
Are they that important?
Only if you want people
to buy tickets.
Don't patronize me, Jason.
I may not know anything
about the theater,
but I'm not an idiot.
It's all right, Allison.
I know you never liked the play.
It wasn't that I didn't like it.
I just didn't think
it was about anything.
It was about giving the audience
an entertaining evening.
Is getting drunk the answer?
No, but it makes you
forget the question.
Where's Allison?
Upstairs, getting out of
her "lucky" dress.
You must have left the party
really early.
How's Phoebe taking it?
I don't know.
She disappeared somewhere.
Be nice to her, Jason.
She's probably feeling very fragile.
I don't exactly feel like
a sherman tank myself.
I was almost hit by the New
York times delivery truck,
which, after their reviews,
seems somewhat redundant.
Jesus, who dresses you?
Quasimodo?
You okay?
Well, actually, I believe
I'm still quite squiffed.
Tonight I found out
I cannot drink.
I threw up on the mayor.
I'd had two banana daiquiris.
I must say, he was really
very nice about it.
He's always been
a big supporter of the arts.
Here, pull your arm out of this.
Pull your arm out of this.
No, the other arm.
No. Look, just stand still
and don't do anything.
Hold still, hold still.
Just don't do anything.
Come sit down.
You're not going to
throw up again, are you?
Blanche, I think this girl
could use some coffee.
Would you tell the cook
to make some?
What's the matter?
She's very good for you, Jason.
Brings out your better nature.
Don't take it so hard.
It's only a play.
In 50 years' time,
only you and I will remember.
And I'm not too sure about I.
Feeling better?
Sleepy.
Incredibly sleepy.
Do you think that's the alcohol?
Either that, or the bananas.
Why don't you
put your head down?
Sweet dreams.
Do you ever get the feeling
we're drifting apart?
Just comforting a comrade
wounded on the field of battle.
That's weird.
I mean, she's usually
so shy around you.
I think it's the liquor talking.
Her feet
are freezing, poor thing.
Was it that hard on her?
Allison, she's
given up her career,
spent all her savings,
and tonight it all
blew up in her face.
And how was your day?
What are you going to do?
Have an affair, buy a new hat.
I'll think of something.
Jason.
We need to talk.
I thought we were.
I mean about us.
Does it have to be tonight?
Yes.
I have something important
to tell you.
I've been waiting until
after you got the play opened.
Didn't seem fair
to burden you with it before.
Suddenly I'm cold sober.
Well...
I think we should be alone
for this sort of discussion.
Then why did you
bring it up now?
I just wanted you
to pencil it in
on your appointment pad.
Sorry I took so long.
The cook's gone to bed,
and I was out there
trying to learn
how to make coffee.
It'll be ready in a minute.
Allison:
Phoebe might feel better
if she stays with us tonight.
She can bunk down in your study.
That's sweet.
God!
I just had
the most terrible dream.
I dreamt I was at
the opening night party,
and the mayor was
sitting next to me...
God.
I'd better change.
My lap feels
a little warm and damp.
I'm terribly sorry.
It's all right.
Felt quite agreeable.
Dear, did I pass out?
No.
You just...
Went to sleep on Jason's lap.
Well, what did he do?
Stroked your hair.
Well, that's very odd.
Jason's not a physical person.
We rarely touch.
Well, you touched tonight.
And I missed it.
Look, would it
be all right with you
if I dropped
the arrogant facade,
became sloppy drunk,
and whined and sniveled a lot?
I'd consider that a privilege.
Phoebe, do me a favor.
Don't.
Don't what?
Don't make a speech.
How'd you know
I was gonna make a speech?
Your eyes begin to water.
You get that odd pinched look
around the bridge of your nose.
Anyway, it's my turn.
Your turn?
Yeah.
Phoebe, don't let 'em
get to you.
That's it?
Don't let 'em get to me?
That's about it.
I mean, I know this whole experience
has been difficult for you.
Difficult?
It's been the best time
I ever had in my entire life.
Then... why are you crying?
'Cause it's all over.
I'm wetting you again.
Yeah.
It's something that should be
nipped in the bud immediately.
Now, if you promise to stop,
I'll promise
to be better next time.
Next time?
On the next play.
You mean you want to
keep working with me?
You think I'm going to
take the rap alone?
Look, if you're even
thinking of making a speech,
I'll withdraw the offer.
It's not a speech.
I-I just don't want you
to do this out of loyalty
or misplaced compassion.
I realize my behavior tonight
has been rather erratic,
but actually I am
quite resilient, you know.
I'll survive.
We'll, I'm not sure I will.
The reason
I'm asking you to stay
is not only professional.
I... i...
I've grown attached to you.
Phoebe, I think Allison and I
are separating.
When did all this happen?
Well, it's only a rumor,
but, as you know,
bad rumors tend to be true.
Listen, I-I feel uncomfortable
talking about this.
The point is, i-I'm going
to need a friend.
Go and wash your face.
Then come back and we'll
get really drunk
and tell each other that
none of this is our fault.
Is my pal sobered up yet?
I wasn't drunk,
just shell-shocked.
I meant Phoebe.
It's funny.
I've thought of
100 ways to tell you this.
I suppose the best way
is to keep it simple.
Always.
Trouble is,
it's not that simple.
You know,
when I married you, I...
I really didn't know
what I was getting into.
Because of...
Well, the sort of plays
you write,
I suppose I assumed
that you spent a couple
of hours every morning
dashing them off.
But it takes a lot longer
than that, doesn't it?
Yeah. It takes a lot
of thought to appear glib.
Anyway, I decided I needed
something to fill my time,
and then, a few weeks ago,
the solution presented itself.
Jason...
I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?
Two months.
Hey, I expected surprise,
but not catatonia.
I'm sorry.
Of course I'm very happy.
Well, you look like you
just lost your best friend.
It's fatigue.
Maybe I shouldn't have
hit you with it tonight.
No. No, it's...
Nice to know something I
collaborated on turned out right.
Really, I'm very happy.
We're gonna be all right, Jason?
Sure.
We'll run for years.
You look exhausted.
Come to bed.
I'll be right up.
Look, tomorrow's
going to be rather hectic,
so let's plan on a work session
10:00 A.M. Friday,
okay?
I think you should know
that, um,
Allison...
Well, she got pregnant.
While I was
out of the room? Ha ha.
I'm sorry. I'm still
a little scattered.
Good night, Phoebe.
Good night.
It's supposed to be like this.
Nine... ten...
That's good.
Phoebe.
It's very good.
But you're not through.
Wait a minute.
Okay.
Three. My.
It's a boy.
Want to see him now?
Yes.
It's open.
It's open.
My god.
You actually live here?
What do you think?
I thought you might
rent by the hour.
Jason, I'm sick.
I'm not sure I'm even capable
of working today.
Hey, you look terrible.
You have a cold again?
The last one
was three years ago.
Was it that long?
Who sent you the flowers?
Lennie.
Lennie?!
Is that the screenwriter
with the gold chains
and the wig
that almost fools you?
It's a very good toupee, Jason.
Contradiction in terms.
Why don't you like him,
Jason? He's a very nice man.
I thought you might not feel like
going out to eat, so I sent out. Come in!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Here, Phoebe. Fetch it!
Come on, bring it back!
Bring it back!
Dog.
So, what do you think?
Well...
It's only a local office,
but it's a start.
They seem to think I can win.
Yeah?
If I decide to run.
Hi!
Hi!
Anyway, I think I can do the job
and still take care
of our social life,
but wanted to know
how you feel about it.
It's fine with me, Allison.
Fine?
Yeah.
I'm very proud of you.
No question you can do it.
Just don't expect me to help you
write any political speeches.
Ha ha! That's okay.
Phoebe promised to do it.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
I thought this was just
gonna be your weekend place.
Well, you know Jason.
I think he came
out of his mother's womb
yelling, "I'll take one
in every color!"
There's only one problem...
My next ten plays will
have to be smash hits.
In subway fares?
I answered that question
at the press conference.
But not its effects on the planned west
way construction. Are you in favor?
My position on that is clearly
on the record. Excuse me.
Morton crane,
mobile news, reporting...
I married grace Kelly,
and I ended up with Bella abzug.
Well, she's
a bright woman, Jason
she needed more
intellectual stimulation
than writing out
the play settings.
You really like her, don't you?
Don't you?
I have to, she's my wife.
You never cheat on her.
How do you know?
Because when you're
not with her, you're with me.
I'm not allowed.
I believe it's far
the most important of rules.
That's not good enough, Jason.
All right.
A few years ago, I owned
a delicate China teapot.
One day I dropped it, and it
split right in the middle.
Well, I glued it together,
and it looked as if it
had never been broken.
And several months later,
for no apparent reason,
it suddenly exploded
into a thousand pieces.
I suppose what I'm trying to say
is that despite all appearances,
it's better to keep
your teapot intact.
That's sweet.
Yeah, I thought you'd buy that.
I sure hope the weather's
better in Chicago.
Jason: Well,
we were due for a flop.
Maybe it's
the Chicago audiences.
Maybe it'll play better
in New York.
It's a disaster, Phoebe.
Nothing works.
So we'll change it.
I don't know,
it seems like rearranging
the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Phoebe: Jason,
are you still with me?
Yeah, just, depressed.
I also have the suspicion
I'm very drunk.
The audience doesn't understand
why suddenly Paul's in love
with the girl so quickly.
It's a pity we can't use
the cinderella convention.
You mean where the girl
takes off her glasses
and lets down her hair,
and he realizes she's beautiful?
Don't laugh.
Audiences... used to love it.
Do you think that someone
could fall in love that fast?
Of course.
Even happened to me once.
Was at the, Tony
awards, about two years ago.
I saw this woman from the back.
She was wearing a blue dress.
Her gleaming black hair...
Cascading over creamy
white shoulders.
Pfft!
I fell instantly in love.
Then she turned round,
and it was you.
Why, you're right.
I mean..
We can't use cinderella anymore.
Look...
Why don't we get some sleep,
and we'll see what we come
up with in the morning?
We've... we worked every way
possible, Phoebe.
Well, never say die.
It was green, actually.
What?
The dress.
It was from the second scene
of somewhere every summer.
I borrowed it from wardrobe.
I might have known
you wouldn't have bought it.
Jason, is anything the matter?
Are... are you... are you sleepy?
Well...
What do you have in mind?
I... i... crave...
Affection.
Yeah, well...
It's... it's late and...
And I don't think we...
Jason...
Jason?
Good morning.
Good morning.
The eggs and pancakes
are very good.
All right, there's no point in
pretending that it didn't happen
or that it will go away,
is there?
So I've come to a decision.
Let's close it out of town.
What?
Let's cut our losses and run.
I don't understand.
The play, Phoebe.
We'll close here. Agreed?
Good.
I'll see you at the theater
for the funeral arrangements.
Here's dad.
Hi.
Good morning,
Mr. Carmichael.
Hello.
Someone named Leo Jessup
called. Who's he?
He's just a reporter.
He's been doing a story on us.
I'll get back to him later.
Actually, he asked for Phoebe.
You working this weekend?
Yeah. I thought
we'd pick the kids up
and take them up to the country.
Phoebe!
Timmy.
Hold it.
Don't run.
Phoebe! Phoebe!
Phoebe:
Morning, everybody.
Jason: Hi.
No, Timmy.
Go upstairs
and put your jacket on.
Quick. We're late.
Here's the scene
I worked on last night.
Okay. Great.
And Kate Mallory phoned.
She's in town doing
some p.R. On her latest movie,
and she wants to meet with us
to, quote, "conceptualize the thematic
problem of the play," end quote.
Does she really talk like that?
She's a curious combination...
Mean and dumb.
Timmy: Come on!
Come on!
Coming!
Thanks for dropping Timmy off
at school, Phoebe.
Every working councilwoman
should have a friend like you.
Here you are, sir.
Thanks, Rosie.
Sometimes I worry about her.
Why?
I don't know.
She doesn't seem to have
much of a life.
She's one of America's
most successful writers.
And since she's easily the cheapest,
she's also one of the richest.
I should have her luck.
What does she do about sex?
I have no idea.
Don't you ever ask her?
Allison, we work in there.
We don't have pajama parties.
I know.
I hear a lot about
the anguish of creation.
I also hear a lot of laughter
coming out of that room.
You jealous of Phoebe?
Yes, I suppose I am.
I'm jealous of
the ongoing love affair
you two have with the theater.
It's an obsession I can't share.
I could say that about
your career in politics.
I'm not complaining,
just stating a fact.
Anyway, I just think
she should be married.
That's her choice.
Not really.
She's very influenced by you.
I never interfere
with Phoebe's personal life.
Come on, Jason.
When that nice older man
from Florida was taking her out,
and you said, "in five years
he'll be walking around"
with his fly zipper
not quite zipped up."
That killed that romance.
It was just
a passing observation.
No. You always seem to
come up with the perfect phrase
to effectively eliminate anyone
who's even slightly
interested in her.
What the hell
are you driving at, Allison?
Let her go, Jason.
Why are we talking about Phoebe?
Because it keeps us from
talking about us, I suppose.
Do you have to play that music?
It's the perfect mood music
for writing this play.
We've been playing it
for six months now.
I mean, it's really
getting on my nerves.
Who the hell can that be?
Probably Leo Jessup.
My god. He's been
hanging around for three weeks.
Doesn't he have a story
on us by now?
I thought you found him amusing.
Doesn't mean
I want to adopt him.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I see you're busy.
Just wanted to
check some facts, okay?
What year exactly did you
graduate from Oxford?
Um...
Look, I'd prefer you didn't
mention I went to Oxford.
That's a bad school?
I became an American years ago.
Anyway, I'd prefer to be
judged solely by my work.
Okay.
Have you seen any of my plays?
No. Read 'em all.
Look, there's one thing
you should know...
I'm not offended by flattery.
Leo's just back
from two years in Russia.
Just a fill-in assignment
until I can get back
to my serious stuff.
You're, um, an expert on Russia?
Da.
Yeah, I am.
I speak the lingo.
How many other lingoes
do you speak?
Just a few.
You mind if I ask a question?
Sure.
I suspect that underneath
that unkempt exterior,
you're an educated,
civilized man.
Why do you go
to all that trouble
to hide it with ugly ties?
It's no trouble.
Well,
I have to go into town.
Excuse me.
What's the matter?
It's just...
It's just that Jason
might come back out.
So? He's not your father.
No. Well,
he is in a way.
You mean professionally?
In every way.
A writing collaboration's
a very intimate relationship.
Yeah. I been meaning
to ask you about that.
Is this for the article?
No. I've already
written the article.
I've just wanted
an excuse to see you.
Why?
I want you to marry me.
Are you serious?
Yes.
I think I need a moment
to absorb this.
Okay.
Phoebe: Come on.
Over here.
Come on, fellas.
There you are.
Absorbed it yet?
No? Okay.
So... about Jason.
You've been to bed with him?
Why would you even think
a thing like that?
I'm a pragmatist.
You're out of town together,
and it's an old axiom.
Desire plus opportunity
usually equals humpage.
Am I being too personal?
Yes, you are.
There's a reason.
I've just been assigned
to the Paris bureau,
and I have to leave
in five weeks,
and I want you to come with me.
I see.
Phoebe,
let me ask you something.
Are you in love with him?
I was.
And now?
Now we just
write plays together.
So?
Will you marry me?
But first,
let me give you something
to help you make up your mind.
Come here.
I do love you, Phoebe.
You look as if you're
going somewhere important.
I am. My tailor's.
But we have some work
to finish up first.
Okay, okay.
I don't have to be
hit by a truck.
I'll be in touch.
You don't really
want to work, do you?
Why do you say that?
'Cause you never like to
sit down and crease yourself
before you go to your tailor.
Do you mind telling me
why he was doing that?
Because he finds me attractive.
Come on, Phoebe.
Do you expect me to buy that?
You must have done something
to bring it on.
You make it sound like
a migraine headache.
Are you telling me that the first
time he's left alone with you,
he's overcome with desire
and leaps on you?
Of course not. We've been
seeing each other.
This is no time to be coy.
Why are you so upset?
Upset at what?
You just sat down
and creased yourself.
Well, i... naturally,
I am somewhat alarmed.
Why?
Well, you know,
for someone so talented,
you can be remarkably obtuse.
Don't you know anything?
Yeah, you're shouting.
Because you should know better.
He's a journalist, Phoebe.
He makes a living
writing down what people say
when they're off guard.
We didn't discuss my work.
We just hung out together.
"Hung out"?
Aren't you getting a little old
for that sort of thing?
I wish I could think
of a reply to that,
but right now I'm in
the middle of a hot flash.
Are you trying to tell me
this is a romantic relationship?
I'm not trying to
tell you anything.
Now, what's the matter
with you, Jason?
I just don't want to
see you get hurt
or depressed.
You know how difficult it is
for you to be funny
when you're depressed.
I don't have any illusions
about the way Leo
feels about me, Jason.
Good.
He wants to marry me.
How do you know?
He asked me.
When?
Just now.
While you were
wearing that hat?!
Maybe he's a yogi berra fan.
I want you to stop seeing him.
Why should I?
Do I really have to say it?
I mean, you want me
to spell it out for you?
I'm not sure.
Perhaps it is time we stopped
skirting the issue.
I mean,
we're gonna have to
deal with it sometime.
Phoebe...
Our second act
doesn't work at all.
Appears the sort of man
who wears leather patches
on his elbows.
Not on his jacket.
On his elbows.
He's a lot like Archie bunker,
but without the Polish.
If they made triple-knit suits,
Leo would wear them.
Have fun.
Bye.
Hi.
If they made triple-knit
suits, Leo would wear them.
Yes. That's one of the things
I like best about him.
Woman: Did you
want a cup of coffee?
Woman #2: No.
Wonder how long this
is going to go on?
Woman: You see,
I don't want just your talent, Jason.
I want your guts.
Well, you can't have them.
I gave them to
tallulah bankhead years ago.
Jason,
why do you always have to
hide behind easy laughs?
There's no such thing.
Now, what is your problem,
miss Mallory?
The same one. The ending.
I'm sorry, but my instrument
just won't play that note.
You see,
I visualize the character
as sort of a Joan of arc
of the '70s.
I mean,
I don't see why she has to
end up with any man.
That's a valid point of view,
miss Mallory,
but it has nothing to do
with our play.
Do you know why they don't write
good women's roles anymore?
You have to hire actresses
to play them.
Phoebe: I hope nothing's
happened to him.
It's not like Jason
not to keep an appointment.
Blanche: When was the
last time you saw him?
About 2:00.
He stormed out of rehearsals
when Kate Mallory asked him
to rewrite the ending.
They absolutely loathe
each other.
I'm on his side.
I've never been
stood up for lunch before.
Blanche: Jason!
Jason?
Jason, are you here?
Jason:
Yeah. What is it?
Are you all right?
Of course.
I'll be right out.
Well, at least he's alive.
So, what about you, my love?
Are you going to marry
that nice young man?
Well, I've gone from "no"
to "perhaps,"
but I'm not fooling anybody.
Not even me.
But isn't he leaving
for Paris in a couple of days?
It's impossible, blanche.
Even if I wanted to get married,
I couldn't walk out
on Jason now.
He'd survive.
He'd scream bloody murder,
but he'd survive.
I take it this is my friend,
not my agent, talking.
I'd just hate
to see you turn into
one of those dotty women writers
who drink too much
and wear hats.
Hi.
Have you been eavesdropping?
Of course not.
Who can hear anything over
the clash of your bracelets?
What are you doing
back here anyway?
You were supposed to meet us
at the Russian tea room.
Well, something came up, and...
Kate and I decided that,
our differences were undermining
the creative process,
so I-I invited her over here...
So we could discuss our problems
and arrive at
a reasonable solution.
And of course,
as always happens when two human
beings reach out to one another,
it worked!
The point is that,
we discovered
we... we're both
after the same thing,
the best possible production.
We were just
coming at it from...
Two, um...
Different places.
Jason: Really.
Something the matter?
No.
I can't seem to find my wrap.
Why is everybody staring at me?
Um...
Here's your wrap.
No, I'll carry it.
I-I'll carry it.
No. Must...
Should I call a cab,
or can someone give me a lift?
I'm
heading downtown.
Where can I drop you?
At the park.
I'll walk the rest of the way.
Are you enjoying your stay?
I just love New York.
Every time I come here,
I feel like going down
on the whole city.
You certainly have
the weather for it.
Your visit, I mean.
I just want you to know
that a beautiful thing
happened this afternoon.
Two human beings made contact.
Now, let's get to work.
Yeah, well...
We'd better take
ten minutes out of the play.
Nothing in life should last
longer than two hours.
We also need a curtain line
for scene four. Any ideas?
Mnh-mnh.
Phoebe, are you
going to sit there
making raspy little noises,
or are we going to work?
You went to bed with her,
didn't you?
Want me to stand up and share
it with the rest of the class?
Don't deny it.
Do you want to
fix this play or not?
My god, how could you?
Well, it was very difficult.
Phoebe, I didn't
commit an ax murder.
Why are you staring
at me like that?
It's so unprofessional.
Well, actually,
it was very professional.
Well, I'm glad she has
some technique somewhere.
All I mean was,
it started out
as a professional thing.
I mean...
I... i was...
I was doing it
for you, too, you know?
Did I enjoy it?
I was just trying to
improve our relationship.
You know what a...
Don't try and romanticize it.
You were cheating.
You committed adultery.
I don't believe this.
You sound like a wife.
I happen to be
a friend of your wife.
It's not the same thing.
I'm your partner!
Exactly.
You're not my priest,
you're not even my mistress,
and my private life
is none of your business.
I don't care what you do
in your private life.
It's just that you did it right
here in our office where we work!
It's not a cathedral.
What's the matter with you?
I thought I was working
with a man of honor.
Did I ever say or do one thing
to make you believe that?
You said you want
to keep your teapot intact.
For god's sakes!
You sound just like a woman!
I'm trying very hard
to understand your actions.
Do you love her, Jason?
Love her? I can't even
hear her from the balcony!
Then why?
For god's sakes!
Don't you understand
anything about sex?
Evidently not.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
All right, I know,
it's been a long day.
I'll work on the cuts...
I mean permanently.
Are you serious?
You'd actually walk out
on a 7-year partnership
over something as stupid
and trivial as this?
Good-bye, Jason.
Did you know I had
my nose fixed?
What?
My nose, it's fixed.
I had it done years ago.
What has that got to do
with Kate Mallory?
I'm trying to explain why
this afternoon happened.
She found out and blackmailed
you into bed with her?
My teeth are capped, too.
I don't really understand
what that's got...
All of them?
No, not all of them.
Stop interrupting.
I'm trying to make a point.
Please hear me out.
After seven years,
you at least owe me that.
My real name...
Isn't Jason Carmichael.
It's Fred carp.
I didn't graduate from Oxford.
I never even
finished high school.
I was born in the slums
of the east end of London,
and that's where I grew up.
I was arrested three times
before I was 15,
mostly for stealing food
off the barrows
of the vegetable market.
Do you know who I really am?
Oliver twist?
I'm a totally manufactured man.
I didn't like my life,
hated what I was,
so I became someone else.
You know why I married Allison?
I couldn't get over the fact
that someone with her background
would want me.
Well, so much for the past.
Lately I've been feeling more...
Unattractive than usual.
Things between Allison and me
haven't been very good.
All right.
None of that is
the real reason it happened.
I... i was angry at you
because of Leo.
I wanted somehow to lash back.
Look, I suppose
what I'm trying to say, i...
I was terrified of losing you.
So you see before you
an insecure middle-aged man
who just this afternoon made
a complete ass of himself.
And who couldn't regret it more.
They did a terrible job
on your nose.
I've been thinking
about the last scene.
Phoebe, it's all too neat,
too slick.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Professional.
Pat.
Well, what do you have in mind?
I don't know. I just have
a gut feeling about it.
Wait a minute. Why does she
have to end up with any man?
I mean, this is 1981.
It'll give it
a more contemporary feeling.
You mean make her
a Joan of arc of the '80s?
What a good idea!
What are you doing?
Packing.
Because you didn't like
my idea for the third act?
Really, a simple no
would be sufficient.
No, it wouldn't.
Come on. You've lost
all sense of proportion.
And you've lost your integrity.
You've sold out.
One sellout,
and I've lost my integrity?
Do you know what you're doing?
I'm getting married, going to
Paris, and having three children.
You can't walk out right now.
We have a play in rehearsal.
Well, send me the reviews.
That's not good enough, damn it.
You have responsibilities here.
Well, I'm sure
you and Kate Mallory
can take care of any rewrites.
I'm not talking about the play.
What about the children?
I'm not their mother!
You're more than their mother.
You like them. You listen to them.
If you'd been the father
you should have been,
I wouldn't have had to
spend so much time with them.
There has to be more to this than
an artistic difference of opinion.
Just what's bothering you?
I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
I don't like you anymore!
You're a vain, arrogant,
insensitive, selfish bully.
I am not vain.
Then why do you always
sit in that chair?
I'll tell you why.
So you can look at yourself
all day in that mirror.
I think you're about
to get an idea,
but you're just
admiring yourself.
Is that all?
No, it's not all!
Whenever we sit in a restaurant,
you always take the best seat
with your back to the wall
so everyone can see you.
So they can't see you!
You're dressed like
a walking garage sale!
Hey, wait, that was
given to both of us!
It was given to me!
Read the inscription.
Keep the damn book!
You could have broken a rib.
I mean, just who
do you think you are?
You're full of shit,
that's who I am!
God, I'll be so glad not
to have to face you every day.
You think it's been easy
living with your relentless
perkiness all these years?
Have you any idea
how depressing it is
to be around that much niceness?
Niceness is depressing?
Mealy-mouthed niceness,
like when that actress
propositioned you,
she'd asked, "are you gay?"
And you know what you said?
I said, "no, I'm not."
No, you didn't.
You said, "no, I'm not,
but thank you for asking."
You're afraid
of offending anyone.
Well, maybe that's why I say
good-bye when I leave a room
and hello when I come in.
Very original.
You don't say hello or good-bye.
You just leave.
It's the ultimate conceit.
Better than your stammering,
blushing humble act.
Let me tell you something.
You're not talented enough
to be that humble!
Ooh!
This is mine!
Here! You want to
take some paper?
Half the pencils?
Paper clips?
Used typewriter ribbon!
Wait a minute!
There's half a box of kleenex
in the bathroom!
I'm walking out of here with
exactly what I came in with!
Plus 50% of my royalties...
Which I more than earned.
And from which
you had the first nickel,
plus towels and soap from every
hotel we've ever stayed in!
Do you know what I
really despise about you?
I loathe your...
Cheapness!
You are finishing
my sentences for me!
Someone has to do it!
You want to know what I've
always really hated about you?
Why not? You've
gone this far.
I've always hated your ass!
Eloquent.
Very eloquent.
I mean, I literally
hate your ass!
You and your damned exercises.
Every day for seven years,
I turn around and find
I'm addressing your rear end!
Believe me,
it is not a pretty sight!
Yeah? Well, I think I'll
get a second opinion on that.
Good-bye, Jason.
Phoebe, you can't leave.
I named my dog after you!
It's not enough, Jason.
Keep the damn case!
It won't last three months!
When he sees those
substandard flannel nightgowns,
he'll run to
the nearest fire escape!
I have only one reply
to that, Jason.
Even an egg takes three minutes.
What?!
You were inadequate in Chicago.
I've told you why.
We had an artistic
difference of opinion.
Phoebe would never have
run off to Paris
over an artistic
difference of opinion.
You must have done something
absolutely horrendous
to make her leave.
Why do you say that?
Because she was in love
with you.
What's the matter?
Are you mad again?
Who is it?
Woman: Vice squad.
Open up.
Dorothy! How are you?
Um...
I'm sorry. I'll come back. Why?
Dorothy's number one
rule of etiquette...
Hostess should never
interrupt the guests.
Jason, I found out
why Phoebe left you.
Allison, keep your voice down.
We're rehearsing.
Jason, I'm divorcing you.
He's coming later.
I was in a fashion show
and got fed up with looking
at skinny, unwrinkled bodies,
and that's why I've run away.
Big thrill.
Jason?
Jason? It's blanche!
Jason?
Jason, are you here?
It's blanche!
You're not
in the follies anymore.
You don't have to be heard
at the back of the house.
If you expect your
social life to pick up,
you should get
your doorbell fixed.
And if you expect
your income to pick up,
you should keep
your phones on the hook.
God, you're crass.
You look awful. Have you
seen a doctor lately?
I mean, you really
look unhealthy.
Will you stop reviewing me
if I give you a drink?
I don't know how you can live in this mess.
Don't you have a cleaning woman?
A cleaning woman?
I can barely afford
to keep the Bentley.
Okay. You were upset
when Phoebe left.
I can understand that.
I can even understand
when Allison divorced you
and you didn't draw
a sober breath for a year.
What I don't understand
is why you and the typewriter
have become natural enemies.
I tried, my love.
Believe me, I tried.
It's just too damn hard.
Why did you tell the man
from CBS
you'd only write for TV
if your children got rickets?
I was trying to
let him down easily.
Have you read Phoebe's book yet?
What book?
Come on, Jason.
It's been on
the bestseller list for weeks.
I'd rather not listen to
the dubious accomplishments
of a woman who...
Ruined my life.
What did Phoebe ever do to you?
She's a literary opportunist.
She drained me dry,
and then she left me.
She's back in town.
Who cares?
They arrived three days ago.
Leo managed to get himself
assigned back here
so that Phoebe
could publicize her book.
How is she?
You can see for yourself.
She's due here any moment.
I don't want to see her!
I'm not ready for that yet!
When will you be ready?
When I have three hits
running on Broadway.
Here. You'd better
stop her.
Why?
Because I don't want her
to see me like this,
with my hair in curlers,
wearing a cheap kimono.
Come on.
Anyway, I have
appointments all day.
Jason, take some advice.
When you see her,
don't put on airs.
You're much more appealing
when you're vulnerable.
Hello, Jason.
Hello.
Yes, I know. I look awful.
I wouldn't say that.
Neither would I, actually.
Blanche said it.
Jason, why are you
still nursing such a grudge?
Are you asking that seriously?
You turned my life upside down.
You ruined my marriage.
How did I ruin your marriage?
For god's sake.
Don't you know
why Allison left me?
She found out about
you and Kate Mallory.
And how do you think
she found out?
She kept on asking me
why you'd walked out
and wouldn't accept any
of the reasons I gave her.
She was quite
demented at the time,
totally irrational.
It made no sense at all.
What didn't?
She said that all the years
we've been working together
you'd been in love with me.
I was.
I was in love with you.
Well, now you can see
why I bear you
a certain animosity.
No, I don't.
For god's sakes,
you might have had
the decency to tell me.
White wine, please.
Scotch and water.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Have you read romantic comedy?
What?
It's the title of my book.
I'm sorry I've been...
I've been rather
pressed for time lately.
Well, don't look at me
as if I haven't completed
a homework assignment.
I simply haven't
got around to it yet.
I thought you
might just be curious.
Well...
It doesn't matter.
I want to adapt it into a play,
and I want you
to collaborate with me on it.
Why?
Well, first you better
let me tell you
how I got the idea.
Is that absolutely necessary?
It was a funny quote
by Hemingway.
Yeah, he's always cracked me up.
He said that he and this woman
had been in love for 40 years,
but that whenever he was
single, she was married,
and whenever she was
single, he was married.
He said that they were
victims of
unsynchronized passion.
So that started me
thinking about us.
I guess what I'm saying
is that you should
collaborate with me on it
because I stole your character.
Isn't this where you came in
nine years ago?
Yes. That didn't
turn out too badly, did it?
And now you think
I need the money,
and my life is a shambles.
Yes. Well, I'd
be less than honest
if I said
I wasn't aware of that,
but it's not your lack of
money that worries me, Jason,
it's your lack of spirit.
You need to work.
I'm not a charity case.
I never said you were.
No, you said a lot more.
Now let me say a few things.
I was writing plays when you
were a teenage ticket-taker,
and I suspect
I'll be writing them
long after you're a plump matron
delivering funny speeches
about your septic tank
to the pta.
Wait a minute!
I'm not through yet!
I know it. You haven't come
up with a good exit line.
Next your concern over my
alleged lack of emotion...
How can you presume
to know what I feel!
How do you know
that when you left
I wasn't quite bruised?!
Of course, I was
remembering a warm,
vulnerable,
compassionate, unique girl
who used to blush!
Not the woman you've become.
Do you know what you've become?
You've become... Crisp.
One of those confident,
crisp, fashion plate women
who think they know
the secret of the world.
And I wouldn't work with you
if you were a combination
of molire and Mary Tyler Moore!
What is it?
Call an ambulance, please.
Man: No, he's all right
woman:
not during lunch.
Man: Judy, sit down.
Look, just to be
on the safe side,
we're keeping him
in intensive care,
but he's gonna be okay.
It was a mild attack.
Really?.
That's wonderful news.
Isn't it, Leo?
I mean, that's just excellent.
I mean, when he had the
attack in the restaurant...
I was sure...
I was...
Your mail.
You can
read it to me later, Phoebe.
Jason, I'm not Annie Sullivan.
What are those?
Telephone messages.
I feel like a bookie.
Why has the phone
stopped ringing?
Well, I left a bulletin
on your message service
that you died.
I thought that might
slow 'em down a little.
Hi.
Something on your mind?
Yeah.
Breakfast.
You're waiting
for me to make it?
No, I'll make it.
I just thought it might be nice
to eat together for a change.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just give me about 15 minutes.
Better make it 30.
Phoebe has to shave me first.
Leo, would you mind
drawing a bath for me?
I have to wash the car
and do the silver first.
"He had the lean, hard body
and supple legs
of a tennis professional."
So?
So, that's my body
you're describing.
Don't be ridiculous, Jason.
I didn't use your body.
Why not?
I wanted those passages
to be erotic.
Well, it certainly
sounds like my body...
A few years ago.
God, yeah.
Yeah. That's better.
Jason: Yeah.
Right there.
Aah. Yeah.
God, it stings.
Phoebe: Is that good?
Yeah.
Aah. God. Yeah.
That's great.
Thank you.
Well, there are problems.
I know.
Why does the girl
stay in love with him
all those years?
Well, I could give you
a few pointers on that.
He's witty, successful,
charming, and never boring,
at least not to her.
What about the audience?
He may come off as arrogant,
cold, and heartless.
I mean, for him
to be sympathetic,
they have to know
how he feels about the girl.
After all, he, um...
He never seemed
to return her feelings.
It wasn't that simple.
How about this?
Supposing he's a man
who believes in tradition,
including
the tradition of marriage.
Jason:
As soon as he marries,
he realizes he's made a mistake.
But, as he's an honorable man,
he lives with his mistake.
A victim of bad timing.
He makes the best
of his situation.
You mean, he wants it both ways.
Listen, it wasn't
easy for me... him.
Selfish? Yeah,
but isn't that human?
Not good enough.
If he really loved the girl,
why didn't he tell her?
All right.
Maybe he's a man
who has trouble
showing his emotions.
Who... likes his life,
especially his emotional life,
to be as tidy as possible.
Not an admirable quality...
not something
he admires in himself,
but ingrained in his character.
Do you believe that, Phoebe?
What are you doing
skulking back there?
I'm sorry to have
interrupted you.
Well, you haven't.
You don't wanna
work anymore, do you?
No, I think we should
call it a day.
I feel we accomplished
a great deal, don't you?
What?
For the past few minutes
I've been standing here
watching my wife and another
man mentally copulate.
I feel like a voyeur.
Leo, you're exaggerating.
I am?
I've been thinking...
I get the feeling
I've walked into
the middle of a family squabble.
No, not at... no, no.
Yes, as a matter of fact,
you have.
Well, don't let me
interrupt you.
I'll just sit quietly over here
and read Phoebe's filthy book.
I think that we should
discuss this later.
No.
No, I think we're finished.
I've decided
to fly down to Washington
to do some research.
How long will you be gone?
I'll be in Washington
about three days...
But I don't know
how long I'll be gone.
I think this is the time
for me to make a graceful exit.
No, Jason...
It's mine.
Jason, sit down.
I think you should both
hear why I'm leaving.
I'd really rather not.
Thank you very much.
Jason, just sit down,
will you, please?
Now, I'm not exactly sure
what's going on with you two,
and I'm not even sure
you know, either.
I love you, Phoebe.
I probably always will.
But I want my marriage
to be a blue-ribbon affair.
And that's about it.
I wish you happiness...
One way or the other.
And I'd like to say
you deserve each other...
But I'm really not sure you do.
I missed the moment again,
didn't I?
You were right about
my lacking spontaneity.
One part of me
standing back always...
Thinking of
the effective gesture.
And I did it again.
Well, I...
Don't know if this is the
right moment or not, but...
How did you sleep?
Fine. Thanks.
How about you?
Very well.
Thank you.
Good.
Well...
I'll go make some coffee.
Great.
God.
That was the most humiliating
experience of my life.
God!
It was absolutely,
utterly horrendous!
I can't believe how...
I really wish you wouldn't
keep doing that.
Jason, I think we should
discuss it openly and frankly.
What?
Our, you know, problem.
Well, that's
certainly being frank.
All right, darling,
I don't want you to feel bad
because I didn't have an orgasm.
And I don't want you to feel bad
because I didn't
have one either.
All right. Let's try
and put it into perspective.
On a scale of one to ten,
would you say we were a five?
I can see why you were
so popular as a teacher...
You're an easy grader.
It's funny, isn't it?
All those years
of pent-up passion,
and it didn't end with a
bang, but a whimper.
And not much of that.
We're about
nine years out of sync.
Our timing's that bad?
We should've
become lovers when we met,
but we didn't.
Instead we became friends.
You don't think it's possible
to have a good sex life
with a friend?
I don't know.
You're the first friend
I've been to bed with.
What about the last scene?
This is it.
I... i can handle it.
So much for happy endings.
Phoebe...
I love you, Phoebe.
I always have.
And when you came back
and it seemed that you didn't...
Feel the same way towards me...
I still loved you.
I suppose that was the clincher.
I'm a very selfish man,
and the fact that I...
Could love someone without
getting anything in return
that... that's incredible.
Then when I woke up this morning
and everything had not been
what we'd both wanted,
you were still my best friend.
I find that extraordinary.
So do I.
Jason:
"He picks up his glass..."
"Takes a sip of the drink."
"He pauses for a moment,
looks at the typewriter,
"puts the glass down,
"then moves to the chair
and sits,
"turns on the typewriter.
"He inserts new paper,
"looks at blank page
for a moment,
"and then, as he starts to type,
the curtain slowly falls."
Okay. Very good.
Let's take
an hour break for lunch,
and then this afternoon
we'll put first act together.
Okay.
See you.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Man: Hey, you wanna
join us for coffee? Come on.
Woman:
See you in an hour.
Jason, the ending
still doesn't work.
That's why you came back?
No.
Where else would I find someone
as hopelessly outdated
as myself?
What are we gonna do
about those two characters?
Um...
Given the basic talent
that i-I'm sure they both have,
um...
Sex can be learned.
I mean...
You weren't a very good writer
when you came to me,
but after a little instruction,
look... look how you turned out.
Come here, Phoebe.
God.
Sorry.
Sorry, it won't work
with your elbow...
On my hip bone.
Well, you have to move your leg.
I can't your leg's on them.
They're stuck.
Well...
Wait a minute.
Can you move... Aah.
Can you move over just...
Jason.
What?
Stop talking and collaborate.
Woman: Excuse me.
Could you tell me
where I might find
the subway to Sutton place?
Man: Lady, take a cab.
Believe me, you'd be better off.
Man: Get some of these
people out of the way here.
Woman: Wait a minute.
We got that?
Wait.
There's interference.
Man: Can I get a clear
shot of Mr. Ambassador?
Careful of her hair.
Woman: That's okay, girls.
I'll get it.
Look who's here.
Woman: Allison, I'm sorry.
I was looking for Jason.
My parents
and assorted relatives
from the Bahamas and Paris
are in all the upstairs rooms,
so he's been
sleeping in the study.
Do you think he's
as tense as I am?
Probably, but my wedding present
should restore
his natural arrogance.
What is it?
A new writing partner.
Why aren't you dressed?
My club's sending Olga
or someone over
to give me a rubdown.
How's the house?
Filling up.
And at the risk of introducing
a somber note into
this festive affair...
Costing you a bundle,
which you can ill afford.
God, you're crass.
I'm supposed to be.
I'm your agent.
Jason Carmichael's residence.
Yes, he is...
Hold on a minute.
Long distance.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hello.
No, you're not the last person
I expected to hear from,
but I have had more thrilling
beginnings to my day.
Look, you were the one
who walked out, not me.
It wasn't what you did,
it was the way you did it.
If you'd been open with me
instead of sneaking behi...
You've been meeting with him
for over three months!
We were together 11 years,
and I had to find out
by reading it in a column!
I... I agree,
no point at all,
so I'm gonna put the phone down.
I have a very busy
schedule today.
I'm going to have a massage
and then get married.
Herman?
After all that's happened,
can you imagine
the gall of that man?
Jason, he was your writing
partner, not your wife.
You sound like a jilted lover.
Why shouldn't I feel jilted?
The man was meeting
with some film producers
behind my back working
on a screenplay!
I'm sure he wanted you
to work on it with him,
but he knew you'd
never move to L.A.
I'm too young to start writing
about real life from memory.
I sense a certain
panic in you, Jason.
What is it?
Herman and I met right after
I arrived from england.
Together we had five smash hits,
two nervous hits, and one flop.
Lately I've been having
this persistent,
nasty little thought.
Was he the talented one?
Blanche, this is no time
for a pause.
I'm always tongue-tied
when you show you're human.
Where the hell is Olga?
I have a knot in my neck
that feels as if it was
tied by a stevedore.
What did you think
of that play I sent you,
blue is for boys?
I don't know.
It had a certain quaint charm.
I'm in no mood to make
decisions right now.
Who wrote it, anyway?
His name is p.J. Craddock.
We've just corresponded,
so I don't know
a damn thing about him
except that he teaches school
somewhere up in Vermont.
Why don't you take the script
along on your honeymoon?
It'll help fill up
the awkward pauses.
The author's coming into town
two weeks from today,
so I set up a meeting
with him here at 11:00, okay?
What makes you think
there'll be awkward pauses?
Just a figure of speech.
Did I tell you Allison's father
is ambassador to New Zealand?
Not in the last ten minutes.
Why are you so impressed?
Blanche, the man
has a flag on his car.
What'd you do?
Marry her so you could
double-park
in downtown Auckland?
Woman: I'll get it
again, girls.
About ten minutes to go.
Jason: Come in.
I'd really appreciate it
if someone would get that.
Hello.
Yes.
Olga called in with the flu
and can't come.
Yes, I'll pass on your message.
Where's Olga?
Olga couldn't come.
Olga has the flu.
I'm overawed.
Um, thank you.
You're younger looking
than in your photos.
'Course most of those
are head shots.
Ha ha.
God.
What a dumb thing to say.
Could I ask you a question?
Of course.
Are you naked?
Either that or I'm standing
in a... in a severe draft.
You're just a white blob to me.
I don't have my glasses on.
I have very weak eyes.
I hope you have strong hands.
Strong hands?
Yeah, I have
a knot in my shoulder.
Do you think you can
do anything about that?
Well, I could try.
But first I'd like to say
that I've seen all your plays,
and I've admired your work
for many years.
You and your partner have brightened
my days, molded my tastes,
and although
impossible to attain,
have provided me with a
standard of civilized behavior.
You're not the masseuse.
You thought I was?
Who are you?
I'm p.J. Craddock.
My given name is Phoebe.
You're two weeks early.
No, it's today. I have
the letter right here.
It's a bit grubby
from constant reading.
There it is.
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Gladly.
It's so funny, isn't it?
How one's fantasies
never turn out
quite as one expects, I mean,
I always visualized you
wearing a sports coat.
That was the most embarrassing
experience of my life!
My god!
It's like I'm standing
in front of...
My god!
I'm sorry.
I thought I heard you
yelling as though
you were in pain.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Excuse me again.
Shit!
Look, maybe I should
come back at the easter break.
Why?
We're having so much fun.
They seem to be preparing for
quite a function out there.
Sorry, miss craddock.
I'm afraid you've caught me
at an awkward time.
Yes. There's a hippopotamus
in the room, isn't there?
I beg your pardon?
It's an expression.
There's something present
that neither of us
wants to acknowledge,
but we both know
it's there, don't we?
We do?
I've been thinking about
what you were doing
when I came back into the room.
Miss craddock, I really
don't think it's necessary...
No. I think we should
bring it out into the open.
You were dancing around the room
uttering odd guttural sounds.
Well, I want you
to know that I don't
think any the worse
of you for that.
Sometimes, when I'm
alone in the classroom,
I hook my feet over a
rafter, hang upside down,
and sing the impossible dream.
What I mean is,
we all do peculiar things
when we're alone.
You're very kind.
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
No, no.
I have some questions.
Miss craddock,
do you plan on getting married?
Eventually.
That's not good enough.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
this was an exam.
The point is, I don't want
to invest in a partnership
and then have you get
the urge to become a mother.
I see.
No, you don't.
You don't know a damn thing
about the theater.
The working conditions
are intolerable,
the people you have to deal
with are egocentric maniacs,
and it's filled with
rejections on every level.
When you're writing comedy,
the opposite of success
isn't failure,
it's embarrassment,
and it's very public,
miss craddock.
They write headlines.
All right, that's
the pleasant part.
You'll be working
with me, miss craddock,
and I am a difficult person.
In fact, some people
think I'm impossible.
I'm demanding,
I'm selfish, I'm obsessive,
moody, arrogant,
rarely satisfied.
My own mother once said
I lacked warmth.
Are you willing
to accept these conditions?
Sounds like a lot of fun.
All right, damn it!
We'll give it a try!
I just have one question...
Why are you so angry?
I'm sorry I...
It's just... Your timing.
I'd... I'd made certain plans.
And also this damn tie
won't tie.
Maybe I could help.
I simple windsor knot
will do for now.
There.
Time to get
this show on the ro...
Who's she?
It's a long story.
I'll explain later.
Well, it's now or never, kiddo.
I'll be right there.
I'm getting married.
I have to go on my honeymoon.
Can you start working
in three weeks' time?
Look, would you like a drink?
Yes, I really would.
Scotch?
It doesn't matter.
I don't drink.
It just seems fitting.
Phoebe...
To us.
Why... why would he want
to admit to that?
He had no choice.
Well, i... i hope it hasn't
spoiled it for dinner tonight.
I've been trying to tell Kate
that there's nothing
to get excited about.
I can vouch for that.
Thanks a lot.
Woman: And you object?
Man:
Why should I object?
I thought the rehearsal went well
today, didn't you?
Well, all my stuff worked.
It all worked, Phoebe.
Of course, Boston may be
a different story.
Man: Hey, taxi!
Right over here.
All right, all right.
Sit down and shut up
before I really lose my temper.
Woman: What right do you have
to lose your temper?
Because frankly
I don't like being
accused, tried,
and convicted of adultery
while I'm in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. F. Lee Bailey was busy.
They're really loving it,
aren't they?
It's only Boston, Phoebe.
Good evening.
What will it be, miss craddock?
A triple scotch.
Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you.
Jason, we need you.
They wanna take your picture.
Okay.
Allison.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Just wanna take a couple photos.
Where is Phoebe?
Has anyone seen Phoebe?
And smile.
I am smiling.
Come on. Smile.
We really should
have Phoebe here.
Where'd everybody go?
The reviews came in.
Allison:
I'm sorry about the play.
You mean the notices.
Are they that important?
Only if you want people
to buy tickets.
Don't patronize me, Jason.
I may not know anything
about the theater,
but I'm not an idiot.
It's all right, Allison.
I know you never liked the play.
It wasn't that I didn't like it.
I just didn't think
it was about anything.
It was about giving the audience
an entertaining evening.
Is getting drunk the answer?
No, but it makes you
forget the question.
Where's Allison?
Upstairs, getting out of
her "lucky" dress.
You must have left the party
really early.
How's Phoebe taking it?
I don't know.
She disappeared somewhere.
Be nice to her, Jason.
She's probably feeling very fragile.
I don't exactly feel like
a sherman tank myself.
I was almost hit by the New
York times delivery truck,
which, after their reviews,
seems somewhat redundant.
Jesus, who dresses you?
Quasimodo?
You okay?
Well, actually, I believe
I'm still quite squiffed.
Tonight I found out
I cannot drink.
I threw up on the mayor.
I'd had two banana daiquiris.
I must say, he was really
very nice about it.
He's always been
a big supporter of the arts.
Here, pull your arm out of this.
Pull your arm out of this.
No, the other arm.
No. Look, just stand still
and don't do anything.
Hold still, hold still.
Just don't do anything.
Come sit down.
You're not going to
throw up again, are you?
Blanche, I think this girl
could use some coffee.
Would you tell the cook
to make some?
What's the matter?
She's very good for you, Jason.
Brings out your better nature.
Don't take it so hard.
It's only a play.
In 50 years' time,
only you and I will remember.
And I'm not too sure about I.
Feeling better?
Sleepy.
Incredibly sleepy.
Do you think that's the alcohol?
Either that, or the bananas.
Why don't you
put your head down?
Sweet dreams.
Do you ever get the feeling
we're drifting apart?
Just comforting a comrade
wounded on the field of battle.
That's weird.
I mean, she's usually
so shy around you.
I think it's the liquor talking.
Her feet
are freezing, poor thing.
Was it that hard on her?
Allison, she's
given up her career,
spent all her savings,
and tonight it all
blew up in her face.
And how was your day?
What are you going to do?
Have an affair, buy a new hat.
I'll think of something.
Jason.
We need to talk.
I thought we were.
I mean about us.
Does it have to be tonight?
Yes.
I have something important
to tell you.
I've been waiting until
after you got the play opened.
Didn't seem fair
to burden you with it before.
Suddenly I'm cold sober.
Well...
I think we should be alone
for this sort of discussion.
Then why did you
bring it up now?
I just wanted you
to pencil it in
on your appointment pad.
Sorry I took so long.
The cook's gone to bed,
and I was out there
trying to learn
how to make coffee.
It'll be ready in a minute.
Allison:
Phoebe might feel better
if she stays with us tonight.
She can bunk down in your study.
That's sweet.
God!
I just had
the most terrible dream.
I dreamt I was at
the opening night party,
and the mayor was
sitting next to me...
God.
I'd better change.
My lap feels
a little warm and damp.
I'm terribly sorry.
It's all right.
Felt quite agreeable.
Dear, did I pass out?
No.
You just...
Went to sleep on Jason's lap.
Well, what did he do?
Stroked your hair.
Well, that's very odd.
Jason's not a physical person.
We rarely touch.
Well, you touched tonight.
And I missed it.
Look, would it
be all right with you
if I dropped
the arrogant facade,
became sloppy drunk,
and whined and sniveled a lot?
I'd consider that a privilege.
Phoebe, do me a favor.
Don't.
Don't what?
Don't make a speech.
How'd you know
I was gonna make a speech?
Your eyes begin to water.
You get that odd pinched look
around the bridge of your nose.
Anyway, it's my turn.
Your turn?
Yeah.
Phoebe, don't let 'em
get to you.
That's it?
Don't let 'em get to me?
That's about it.
I mean, I know this whole experience
has been difficult for you.
Difficult?
It's been the best time
I ever had in my entire life.
Then... why are you crying?
'Cause it's all over.
I'm wetting you again.
Yeah.
It's something that should be
nipped in the bud immediately.
Now, if you promise to stop,
I'll promise
to be better next time.
Next time?
On the next play.
You mean you want to
keep working with me?
You think I'm going to
take the rap alone?
Look, if you're even
thinking of making a speech,
I'll withdraw the offer.
It's not a speech.
I-I just don't want you
to do this out of loyalty
or misplaced compassion.
I realize my behavior tonight
has been rather erratic,
but actually I am
quite resilient, you know.
I'll survive.
We'll, I'm not sure I will.
The reason
I'm asking you to stay
is not only professional.
I... i...
I've grown attached to you.
Phoebe, I think Allison and I
are separating.
When did all this happen?
Well, it's only a rumor,
but, as you know,
bad rumors tend to be true.
Listen, I-I feel uncomfortable
talking about this.
The point is, i-I'm going
to need a friend.
Go and wash your face.
Then come back and we'll
get really drunk
and tell each other that
none of this is our fault.
Is my pal sobered up yet?
I wasn't drunk,
just shell-shocked.
I meant Phoebe.
It's funny.
I've thought of
100 ways to tell you this.
I suppose the best way
is to keep it simple.
Always.
Trouble is,
it's not that simple.
You know,
when I married you, I...
I really didn't know
what I was getting into.
Because of...
Well, the sort of plays
you write,
I suppose I assumed
that you spent a couple
of hours every morning
dashing them off.
But it takes a lot longer
than that, doesn't it?
Yeah. It takes a lot
of thought to appear glib.
Anyway, I decided I needed
something to fill my time,
and then, a few weeks ago,
the solution presented itself.
Jason...
I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?
Two months.
Hey, I expected surprise,
but not catatonia.
I'm sorry.
Of course I'm very happy.
Well, you look like you
just lost your best friend.
It's fatigue.
Maybe I shouldn't have
hit you with it tonight.
No. No, it's...
Nice to know something I
collaborated on turned out right.
Really, I'm very happy.
We're gonna be all right, Jason?
Sure.
We'll run for years.
You look exhausted.
Come to bed.
I'll be right up.
Look, tomorrow's
going to be rather hectic,
so let's plan on a work session
10:00 A.M. Friday,
okay?
I think you should know
that, um,
Allison...
Well, she got pregnant.
While I was
out of the room? Ha ha.
I'm sorry. I'm still
a little scattered.
Good night, Phoebe.
Good night.
It's supposed to be like this.
Nine... ten...
That's good.
Phoebe.
It's very good.
But you're not through.
Wait a minute.
Okay.
Three. My.
It's a boy.
Want to see him now?
Yes.
It's open.
It's open.
My god.
You actually live here?
What do you think?
I thought you might
rent by the hour.
Jason, I'm sick.
I'm not sure I'm even capable
of working today.
Hey, you look terrible.
You have a cold again?
The last one
was three years ago.
Was it that long?
Who sent you the flowers?
Lennie.
Lennie?!
Is that the screenwriter
with the gold chains
and the wig
that almost fools you?
It's a very good toupee, Jason.
Contradiction in terms.
Why don't you like him,
Jason? He's a very nice man.
I thought you might not feel like
going out to eat, so I sent out. Come in!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Here, Phoebe. Fetch it!
Come on, bring it back!
Bring it back!
Dog.
So, what do you think?
Well...
It's only a local office,
but it's a start.
They seem to think I can win.
Yeah?
If I decide to run.
Hi!
Hi!
Anyway, I think I can do the job
and still take care
of our social life,
but wanted to know
how you feel about it.
It's fine with me, Allison.
Fine?
Yeah.
I'm very proud of you.
No question you can do it.
Just don't expect me to help you
write any political speeches.
Ha ha! That's okay.
Phoebe promised to do it.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
I thought this was just
gonna be your weekend place.
Well, you know Jason.
I think he came
out of his mother's womb
yelling, "I'll take one
in every color!"
There's only one problem...
My next ten plays will
have to be smash hits.
In subway fares?
I answered that question
at the press conference.
But not its effects on the planned west
way construction. Are you in favor?
My position on that is clearly
on the record. Excuse me.
Morton crane,
mobile news, reporting...
I married grace Kelly,
and I ended up with Bella abzug.
Well, she's
a bright woman, Jason
she needed more
intellectual stimulation
than writing out
the play settings.
You really like her, don't you?
Don't you?
I have to, she's my wife.
You never cheat on her.
How do you know?
Because when you're
not with her, you're with me.
I'm not allowed.
I believe it's far
the most important of rules.
That's not good enough, Jason.
All right.
A few years ago, I owned
a delicate China teapot.
One day I dropped it, and it
split right in the middle.
Well, I glued it together,
and it looked as if it
had never been broken.
And several months later,
for no apparent reason,
it suddenly exploded
into a thousand pieces.
I suppose what I'm trying to say
is that despite all appearances,
it's better to keep
your teapot intact.
That's sweet.
Yeah, I thought you'd buy that.
I sure hope the weather's
better in Chicago.
Jason: Well,
we were due for a flop.
Maybe it's
the Chicago audiences.
Maybe it'll play better
in New York.
It's a disaster, Phoebe.
Nothing works.
So we'll change it.
I don't know,
it seems like rearranging
the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Phoebe: Jason,
are you still with me?
Yeah, just, depressed.
I also have the suspicion
I'm very drunk.
The audience doesn't understand
why suddenly Paul's in love
with the girl so quickly.
It's a pity we can't use
the cinderella convention.
You mean where the girl
takes off her glasses
and lets down her hair,
and he realizes she's beautiful?
Don't laugh.
Audiences... used to love it.
Do you think that someone
could fall in love that fast?
Of course.
Even happened to me once.
Was at the, Tony
awards, about two years ago.
I saw this woman from the back.
She was wearing a blue dress.
Her gleaming black hair...
Cascading over creamy
white shoulders.
Pfft!
I fell instantly in love.
Then she turned round,
and it was you.
Why, you're right.
I mean..
We can't use cinderella anymore.
Look...
Why don't we get some sleep,
and we'll see what we come
up with in the morning?
We've... we worked every way
possible, Phoebe.
Well, never say die.
It was green, actually.
What?
The dress.
It was from the second scene
of somewhere every summer.
I borrowed it from wardrobe.
I might have known
you wouldn't have bought it.
Jason, is anything the matter?
Are... are you... are you sleepy?
Well...
What do you have in mind?
I... i... crave...
Affection.
Yeah, well...
It's... it's late and...
And I don't think we...
Jason...
Jason?
Good morning.
Good morning.
The eggs and pancakes
are very good.
All right, there's no point in
pretending that it didn't happen
or that it will go away,
is there?
So I've come to a decision.
Let's close it out of town.
What?
Let's cut our losses and run.
I don't understand.
The play, Phoebe.
We'll close here. Agreed?
Good.
I'll see you at the theater
for the funeral arrangements.
Here's dad.
Hi.
Good morning,
Mr. Carmichael.
Hello.
Someone named Leo Jessup
called. Who's he?
He's just a reporter.
He's been doing a story on us.
I'll get back to him later.
Actually, he asked for Phoebe.
You working this weekend?
Yeah. I thought
we'd pick the kids up
and take them up to the country.
Phoebe!
Timmy.
Hold it.
Don't run.
Phoebe! Phoebe!
Phoebe:
Morning, everybody.
Jason: Hi.
No, Timmy.
Go upstairs
and put your jacket on.
Quick. We're late.
Here's the scene
I worked on last night.
Okay. Great.
And Kate Mallory phoned.
She's in town doing
some p.R. On her latest movie,
and she wants to meet with us
to, quote, "conceptualize the thematic
problem of the play," end quote.
Does she really talk like that?
She's a curious combination...
Mean and dumb.
Timmy: Come on!
Come on!
Coming!
Thanks for dropping Timmy off
at school, Phoebe.
Every working councilwoman
should have a friend like you.
Here you are, sir.
Thanks, Rosie.
Sometimes I worry about her.
Why?
I don't know.
She doesn't seem to have
much of a life.
She's one of America's
most successful writers.
And since she's easily the cheapest,
she's also one of the richest.
I should have her luck.
What does she do about sex?
I have no idea.
Don't you ever ask her?
Allison, we work in there.
We don't have pajama parties.
I know.
I hear a lot about
the anguish of creation.
I also hear a lot of laughter
coming out of that room.
You jealous of Phoebe?
Yes, I suppose I am.
I'm jealous of
the ongoing love affair
you two have with the theater.
It's an obsession I can't share.
I could say that about
your career in politics.
I'm not complaining,
just stating a fact.
Anyway, I just think
she should be married.
That's her choice.
Not really.
She's very influenced by you.
I never interfere
with Phoebe's personal life.
Come on, Jason.
When that nice older man
from Florida was taking her out,
and you said, "in five years
he'll be walking around"
with his fly zipper
not quite zipped up."
That killed that romance.
It was just
a passing observation.
No. You always seem to
come up with the perfect phrase
to effectively eliminate anyone
who's even slightly
interested in her.
What the hell
are you driving at, Allison?
Let her go, Jason.
Why are we talking about Phoebe?
Because it keeps us from
talking about us, I suppose.
Do you have to play that music?
It's the perfect mood music
for writing this play.
We've been playing it
for six months now.
I mean, it's really
getting on my nerves.
Who the hell can that be?
Probably Leo Jessup.
My god. He's been
hanging around for three weeks.
Doesn't he have a story
on us by now?
I thought you found him amusing.
Doesn't mean
I want to adopt him.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I see you're busy.
Just wanted to
check some facts, okay?
What year exactly did you
graduate from Oxford?
Um...
Look, I'd prefer you didn't
mention I went to Oxford.
That's a bad school?
I became an American years ago.
Anyway, I'd prefer to be
judged solely by my work.
Okay.
Have you seen any of my plays?
No. Read 'em all.
Look, there's one thing
you should know...
I'm not offended by flattery.
Leo's just back
from two years in Russia.
Just a fill-in assignment
until I can get back
to my serious stuff.
You're, um, an expert on Russia?
Da.
Yeah, I am.
I speak the lingo.
How many other lingoes
do you speak?
Just a few.
You mind if I ask a question?
Sure.
I suspect that underneath
that unkempt exterior,
you're an educated,
civilized man.
Why do you go
to all that trouble
to hide it with ugly ties?
It's no trouble.
Well,
I have to go into town.
Excuse me.
What's the matter?
It's just...
It's just that Jason
might come back out.
So? He's not your father.
No. Well,
he is in a way.
You mean professionally?
In every way.
A writing collaboration's
a very intimate relationship.
Yeah. I been meaning
to ask you about that.
Is this for the article?
No. I've already
written the article.
I've just wanted
an excuse to see you.
Why?
I want you to marry me.
Are you serious?
Yes.
I think I need a moment
to absorb this.
Okay.
Phoebe: Come on.
Over here.
Come on, fellas.
There you are.
Absorbed it yet?
No? Okay.
So... about Jason.
You've been to bed with him?
Why would you even think
a thing like that?
I'm a pragmatist.
You're out of town together,
and it's an old axiom.
Desire plus opportunity
usually equals humpage.
Am I being too personal?
Yes, you are.
There's a reason.
I've just been assigned
to the Paris bureau,
and I have to leave
in five weeks,
and I want you to come with me.
I see.
Phoebe,
let me ask you something.
Are you in love with him?
I was.
And now?
Now we just
write plays together.
So?
Will you marry me?
But first,
let me give you something
to help you make up your mind.
Come here.
I do love you, Phoebe.
You look as if you're
going somewhere important.
I am. My tailor's.
But we have some work
to finish up first.
Okay, okay.
I don't have to be
hit by a truck.
I'll be in touch.
You don't really
want to work, do you?
Why do you say that?
'Cause you never like to
sit down and crease yourself
before you go to your tailor.
Do you mind telling me
why he was doing that?
Because he finds me attractive.
Come on, Phoebe.
Do you expect me to buy that?
You must have done something
to bring it on.
You make it sound like
a migraine headache.
Are you telling me that the first
time he's left alone with you,
he's overcome with desire
and leaps on you?
Of course not. We've been
seeing each other.
This is no time to be coy.
Why are you so upset?
Upset at what?
You just sat down
and creased yourself.
Well, i... naturally,
I am somewhat alarmed.
Why?
Well, you know,
for someone so talented,
you can be remarkably obtuse.
Don't you know anything?
Yeah, you're shouting.
Because you should know better.
He's a journalist, Phoebe.
He makes a living
writing down what people say
when they're off guard.
We didn't discuss my work.
We just hung out together.
"Hung out"?
Aren't you getting a little old
for that sort of thing?
I wish I could think
of a reply to that,
but right now I'm in
the middle of a hot flash.
Are you trying to tell me
this is a romantic relationship?
I'm not trying to
tell you anything.
Now, what's the matter
with you, Jason?
I just don't want to
see you get hurt
or depressed.
You know how difficult it is
for you to be funny
when you're depressed.
I don't have any illusions
about the way Leo
feels about me, Jason.
Good.
He wants to marry me.
How do you know?
He asked me.
When?
Just now.
While you were
wearing that hat?!
Maybe he's a yogi berra fan.
I want you to stop seeing him.
Why should I?
Do I really have to say it?
I mean, you want me
to spell it out for you?
I'm not sure.
Perhaps it is time we stopped
skirting the issue.
I mean,
we're gonna have to
deal with it sometime.
Phoebe...
Our second act
doesn't work at all.
Appears the sort of man
who wears leather patches
on his elbows.
Not on his jacket.
On his elbows.
He's a lot like Archie bunker,
but without the Polish.
If they made triple-knit suits,
Leo would wear them.
Have fun.
Bye.
Hi.
If they made triple-knit
suits, Leo would wear them.
Yes. That's one of the things
I like best about him.
Woman: Did you
want a cup of coffee?
Woman #2: No.
Wonder how long this
is going to go on?
Woman: You see,
I don't want just your talent, Jason.
I want your guts.
Well, you can't have them.
I gave them to
tallulah bankhead years ago.
Jason,
why do you always have to
hide behind easy laughs?
There's no such thing.
Now, what is your problem,
miss Mallory?
The same one. The ending.
I'm sorry, but my instrument
just won't play that note.
You see,
I visualize the character
as sort of a Joan of arc
of the '70s.
I mean,
I don't see why she has to
end up with any man.
That's a valid point of view,
miss Mallory,
but it has nothing to do
with our play.
Do you know why they don't write
good women's roles anymore?
You have to hire actresses
to play them.
Phoebe: I hope nothing's
happened to him.
It's not like Jason
not to keep an appointment.
Blanche: When was the
last time you saw him?
About 2:00.
He stormed out of rehearsals
when Kate Mallory asked him
to rewrite the ending.
They absolutely loathe
each other.
I'm on his side.
I've never been
stood up for lunch before.
Blanche: Jason!
Jason?
Jason, are you here?
Jason:
Yeah. What is it?
Are you all right?
Of course.
I'll be right out.
Well, at least he's alive.
So, what about you, my love?
Are you going to marry
that nice young man?
Well, I've gone from "no"
to "perhaps,"
but I'm not fooling anybody.
Not even me.
But isn't he leaving
for Paris in a couple of days?
It's impossible, blanche.
Even if I wanted to get married,
I couldn't walk out
on Jason now.
He'd survive.
He'd scream bloody murder,
but he'd survive.
I take it this is my friend,
not my agent, talking.
I'd just hate
to see you turn into
one of those dotty women writers
who drink too much
and wear hats.
Hi.
Have you been eavesdropping?
Of course not.
Who can hear anything over
the clash of your bracelets?
What are you doing
back here anyway?
You were supposed to meet us
at the Russian tea room.
Well, something came up, and...
Kate and I decided that,
our differences were undermining
the creative process,
so I-I invited her over here...
So we could discuss our problems
and arrive at
a reasonable solution.
And of course,
as always happens when two human
beings reach out to one another,
it worked!
The point is that,
we discovered
we... we're both
after the same thing,
the best possible production.
We were just
coming at it from...
Two, um...
Different places.
Jason: Really.
Something the matter?
No.
I can't seem to find my wrap.
Why is everybody staring at me?
Um...
Here's your wrap.
No, I'll carry it.
I-I'll carry it.
No. Must...
Should I call a cab,
or can someone give me a lift?
I'm
heading downtown.
Where can I drop you?
At the park.
I'll walk the rest of the way.
Are you enjoying your stay?
I just love New York.
Every time I come here,
I feel like going down
on the whole city.
You certainly have
the weather for it.
Your visit, I mean.
I just want you to know
that a beautiful thing
happened this afternoon.
Two human beings made contact.
Now, let's get to work.
Yeah, well...
We'd better take
ten minutes out of the play.
Nothing in life should last
longer than two hours.
We also need a curtain line
for scene four. Any ideas?
Mnh-mnh.
Phoebe, are you
going to sit there
making raspy little noises,
or are we going to work?
You went to bed with her,
didn't you?
Want me to stand up and share
it with the rest of the class?
Don't deny it.
Do you want to
fix this play or not?
My god, how could you?
Well, it was very difficult.
Phoebe, I didn't
commit an ax murder.
Why are you staring
at me like that?
It's so unprofessional.
Well, actually,
it was very professional.
Well, I'm glad she has
some technique somewhere.
All I mean was,
it started out
as a professional thing.
I mean...
I... i was...
I was doing it
for you, too, you know?
Did I enjoy it?
I was just trying to
improve our relationship.
You know what a...
Don't try and romanticize it.
You were cheating.
You committed adultery.
I don't believe this.
You sound like a wife.
I happen to be
a friend of your wife.
It's not the same thing.
I'm your partner!
Exactly.
You're not my priest,
you're not even my mistress,
and my private life
is none of your business.
I don't care what you do
in your private life.
It's just that you did it right
here in our office where we work!
It's not a cathedral.
What's the matter with you?
I thought I was working
with a man of honor.
Did I ever say or do one thing
to make you believe that?
You said you want
to keep your teapot intact.
For god's sakes!
You sound just like a woman!
I'm trying very hard
to understand your actions.
Do you love her, Jason?
Love her? I can't even
hear her from the balcony!
Then why?
For god's sakes!
Don't you understand
anything about sex?
Evidently not.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
All right, I know,
it's been a long day.
I'll work on the cuts...
I mean permanently.
Are you serious?
You'd actually walk out
on a 7-year partnership
over something as stupid
and trivial as this?
Good-bye, Jason.
Did you know I had
my nose fixed?
What?
My nose, it's fixed.
I had it done years ago.
What has that got to do
with Kate Mallory?
I'm trying to explain why
this afternoon happened.
She found out and blackmailed
you into bed with her?
My teeth are capped, too.
I don't really understand
what that's got...
All of them?
No, not all of them.
Stop interrupting.
I'm trying to make a point.
Please hear me out.
After seven years,
you at least owe me that.
My real name...
Isn't Jason Carmichael.
It's Fred carp.
I didn't graduate from Oxford.
I never even
finished high school.
I was born in the slums
of the east end of London,
and that's where I grew up.
I was arrested three times
before I was 15,
mostly for stealing food
off the barrows
of the vegetable market.
Do you know who I really am?
Oliver twist?
I'm a totally manufactured man.
I didn't like my life,
hated what I was,
so I became someone else.
You know why I married Allison?
I couldn't get over the fact
that someone with her background
would want me.
Well, so much for the past.
Lately I've been feeling more...
Unattractive than usual.
Things between Allison and me
haven't been very good.
All right.
None of that is
the real reason it happened.
I... i was angry at you
because of Leo.
I wanted somehow to lash back.
Look, I suppose
what I'm trying to say, i...
I was terrified of losing you.
So you see before you
an insecure middle-aged man
who just this afternoon made
a complete ass of himself.
And who couldn't regret it more.
They did a terrible job
on your nose.
I've been thinking
about the last scene.
Phoebe, it's all too neat,
too slick.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Professional.
Pat.
Well, what do you have in mind?
I don't know. I just have
a gut feeling about it.
Wait a minute. Why does she
have to end up with any man?
I mean, this is 1981.
It'll give it
a more contemporary feeling.
You mean make her
a Joan of arc of the '80s?
What a good idea!
What are you doing?
Packing.
Because you didn't like
my idea for the third act?
Really, a simple no
would be sufficient.
No, it wouldn't.
Come on. You've lost
all sense of proportion.
And you've lost your integrity.
You've sold out.
One sellout,
and I've lost my integrity?
Do you know what you're doing?
I'm getting married, going to
Paris, and having three children.
You can't walk out right now.
We have a play in rehearsal.
Well, send me the reviews.
That's not good enough, damn it.
You have responsibilities here.
Well, I'm sure
you and Kate Mallory
can take care of any rewrites.
I'm not talking about the play.
What about the children?
I'm not their mother!
You're more than their mother.
You like them. You listen to them.
If you'd been the father
you should have been,
I wouldn't have had to
spend so much time with them.
There has to be more to this than
an artistic difference of opinion.
Just what's bothering you?
I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
I don't like you anymore!
You're a vain, arrogant,
insensitive, selfish bully.
I am not vain.
Then why do you always
sit in that chair?
I'll tell you why.
So you can look at yourself
all day in that mirror.
I think you're about
to get an idea,
but you're just
admiring yourself.
Is that all?
No, it's not all!
Whenever we sit in a restaurant,
you always take the best seat
with your back to the wall
so everyone can see you.
So they can't see you!
You're dressed like
a walking garage sale!
Hey, wait, that was
given to both of us!
It was given to me!
Read the inscription.
Keep the damn book!
You could have broken a rib.
I mean, just who
do you think you are?
You're full of shit,
that's who I am!
God, I'll be so glad not
to have to face you every day.
You think it's been easy
living with your relentless
perkiness all these years?
Have you any idea
how depressing it is
to be around that much niceness?
Niceness is depressing?
Mealy-mouthed niceness,
like when that actress
propositioned you,
she'd asked, "are you gay?"
And you know what you said?
I said, "no, I'm not."
No, you didn't.
You said, "no, I'm not,
but thank you for asking."
You're afraid
of offending anyone.
Well, maybe that's why I say
good-bye when I leave a room
and hello when I come in.
Very original.
You don't say hello or good-bye.
You just leave.
It's the ultimate conceit.
Better than your stammering,
blushing humble act.
Let me tell you something.
You're not talented enough
to be that humble!
Ooh!
This is mine!
Here! You want to
take some paper?
Half the pencils?
Paper clips?
Used typewriter ribbon!
Wait a minute!
There's half a box of kleenex
in the bathroom!
I'm walking out of here with
exactly what I came in with!
Plus 50% of my royalties...
Which I more than earned.
And from which
you had the first nickel,
plus towels and soap from every
hotel we've ever stayed in!
Do you know what I
really despise about you?
I loathe your...
Cheapness!
You are finishing
my sentences for me!
Someone has to do it!
You want to know what I've
always really hated about you?
Why not? You've
gone this far.
I've always hated your ass!
Eloquent.
Very eloquent.
I mean, I literally
hate your ass!
You and your damned exercises.
Every day for seven years,
I turn around and find
I'm addressing your rear end!
Believe me,
it is not a pretty sight!
Yeah? Well, I think I'll
get a second opinion on that.
Good-bye, Jason.
Phoebe, you can't leave.
I named my dog after you!
It's not enough, Jason.
Keep the damn case!
It won't last three months!
When he sees those
substandard flannel nightgowns,
he'll run to
the nearest fire escape!
I have only one reply
to that, Jason.
Even an egg takes three minutes.
What?!
You were inadequate in Chicago.
I've told you why.
We had an artistic
difference of opinion.
Phoebe would never have
run off to Paris
over an artistic
difference of opinion.
You must have done something
absolutely horrendous
to make her leave.
Why do you say that?
Because she was in love
with you.
What's the matter?
Are you mad again?
Who is it?
Woman: Vice squad.
Open up.
Dorothy! How are you?
Um...
I'm sorry. I'll come back. Why?
Dorothy's number one
rule of etiquette...
Hostess should never
interrupt the guests.
Jason, I found out
why Phoebe left you.
Allison, keep your voice down.
We're rehearsing.
Jason, I'm divorcing you.
He's coming later.
I was in a fashion show
and got fed up with looking
at skinny, unwrinkled bodies,
and that's why I've run away.
Big thrill.
Jason?
Jason? It's blanche!
Jason?
Jason, are you here?
It's blanche!
You're not
in the follies anymore.
You don't have to be heard
at the back of the house.
If you expect your
social life to pick up,
you should get
your doorbell fixed.
And if you expect
your income to pick up,
you should keep
your phones on the hook.
God, you're crass.
You look awful. Have you
seen a doctor lately?
I mean, you really
look unhealthy.
Will you stop reviewing me
if I give you a drink?
I don't know how you can live in this mess.
Don't you have a cleaning woman?
A cleaning woman?
I can barely afford
to keep the Bentley.
Okay. You were upset
when Phoebe left.
I can understand that.
I can even understand
when Allison divorced you
and you didn't draw
a sober breath for a year.
What I don't understand
is why you and the typewriter
have become natural enemies.
I tried, my love.
Believe me, I tried.
It's just too damn hard.
Why did you tell the man
from CBS
you'd only write for TV
if your children got rickets?
I was trying to
let him down easily.
Have you read Phoebe's book yet?
What book?
Come on, Jason.
It's been on
the bestseller list for weeks.
I'd rather not listen to
the dubious accomplishments
of a woman who...
Ruined my life.
What did Phoebe ever do to you?
She's a literary opportunist.
She drained me dry,
and then she left me.
She's back in town.
Who cares?
They arrived three days ago.
Leo managed to get himself
assigned back here
so that Phoebe
could publicize her book.
How is she?
You can see for yourself.
She's due here any moment.
I don't want to see her!
I'm not ready for that yet!
When will you be ready?
When I have three hits
running on Broadway.
Here. You'd better
stop her.
Why?
Because I don't want her
to see me like this,
with my hair in curlers,
wearing a cheap kimono.
Come on.
Anyway, I have
appointments all day.
Jason, take some advice.
When you see her,
don't put on airs.
You're much more appealing
when you're vulnerable.
Hello, Jason.
Hello.
Yes, I know. I look awful.
I wouldn't say that.
Neither would I, actually.
Blanche said it.
Jason, why are you
still nursing such a grudge?
Are you asking that seriously?
You turned my life upside down.
You ruined my marriage.
How did I ruin your marriage?
For god's sake.
Don't you know
why Allison left me?
She found out about
you and Kate Mallory.
And how do you think
she found out?
She kept on asking me
why you'd walked out
and wouldn't accept any
of the reasons I gave her.
She was quite
demented at the time,
totally irrational.
It made no sense at all.
What didn't?
She said that all the years
we've been working together
you'd been in love with me.
I was.
I was in love with you.
Well, now you can see
why I bear you
a certain animosity.
No, I don't.
For god's sakes,
you might have had
the decency to tell me.
White wine, please.
Scotch and water.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Have you read romantic comedy?
What?
It's the title of my book.
I'm sorry I've been...
I've been rather
pressed for time lately.
Well, don't look at me
as if I haven't completed
a homework assignment.
I simply haven't
got around to it yet.
I thought you
might just be curious.
Well...
It doesn't matter.
I want to adapt it into a play,
and I want you
to collaborate with me on it.
Why?
Well, first you better
let me tell you
how I got the idea.
Is that absolutely necessary?
It was a funny quote
by Hemingway.
Yeah, he's always cracked me up.
He said that he and this woman
had been in love for 40 years,
but that whenever he was
single, she was married,
and whenever she was
single, he was married.
He said that they were
victims of
unsynchronized passion.
So that started me
thinking about us.
I guess what I'm saying
is that you should
collaborate with me on it
because I stole your character.
Isn't this where you came in
nine years ago?
Yes. That didn't
turn out too badly, did it?
And now you think
I need the money,
and my life is a shambles.
Yes. Well, I'd
be less than honest
if I said
I wasn't aware of that,
but it's not your lack of
money that worries me, Jason,
it's your lack of spirit.
You need to work.
I'm not a charity case.
I never said you were.
No, you said a lot more.
Now let me say a few things.
I was writing plays when you
were a teenage ticket-taker,
and I suspect
I'll be writing them
long after you're a plump matron
delivering funny speeches
about your septic tank
to the pta.
Wait a minute!
I'm not through yet!
I know it. You haven't come
up with a good exit line.
Next your concern over my
alleged lack of emotion...
How can you presume
to know what I feel!
How do you know
that when you left
I wasn't quite bruised?!
Of course, I was
remembering a warm,
vulnerable,
compassionate, unique girl
who used to blush!
Not the woman you've become.
Do you know what you've become?
You've become... Crisp.
One of those confident,
crisp, fashion plate women
who think they know
the secret of the world.
And I wouldn't work with you
if you were a combination
of molire and Mary Tyler Moore!
What is it?
Call an ambulance, please.
Man: No, he's all right
woman:
not during lunch.
Man: Judy, sit down.
Look, just to be
on the safe side,
we're keeping him
in intensive care,
but he's gonna be okay.
It was a mild attack.
Really?.
That's wonderful news.
Isn't it, Leo?
I mean, that's just excellent.
I mean, when he had the
attack in the restaurant...
I was sure...
I was...
Your mail.
You can
read it to me later, Phoebe.
Jason, I'm not Annie Sullivan.
What are those?
Telephone messages.
I feel like a bookie.
Why has the phone
stopped ringing?
Well, I left a bulletin
on your message service
that you died.
I thought that might
slow 'em down a little.
Hi.
Something on your mind?
Yeah.
Breakfast.
You're waiting
for me to make it?
No, I'll make it.
I just thought it might be nice
to eat together for a change.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just give me about 15 minutes.
Better make it 30.
Phoebe has to shave me first.
Leo, would you mind
drawing a bath for me?
I have to wash the car
and do the silver first.
"He had the lean, hard body
and supple legs
of a tennis professional."
So?
So, that's my body
you're describing.
Don't be ridiculous, Jason.
I didn't use your body.
Why not?
I wanted those passages
to be erotic.
Well, it certainly
sounds like my body...
A few years ago.
God, yeah.
Yeah. That's better.
Jason: Yeah.
Right there.
Aah. Yeah.
God, it stings.
Phoebe: Is that good?
Yeah.
Aah. God. Yeah.
That's great.
Thank you.
Well, there are problems.
I know.
Why does the girl
stay in love with him
all those years?
Well, I could give you
a few pointers on that.
He's witty, successful,
charming, and never boring,
at least not to her.
What about the audience?
He may come off as arrogant,
cold, and heartless.
I mean, for him
to be sympathetic,
they have to know
how he feels about the girl.
After all, he, um...
He never seemed
to return her feelings.
It wasn't that simple.
How about this?
Supposing he's a man
who believes in tradition,
including
the tradition of marriage.
Jason:
As soon as he marries,
he realizes he's made a mistake.
But, as he's an honorable man,
he lives with his mistake.
A victim of bad timing.
He makes the best
of his situation.
You mean, he wants it both ways.
Listen, it wasn't
easy for me... him.
Selfish? Yeah,
but isn't that human?
Not good enough.
If he really loved the girl,
why didn't he tell her?
All right.
Maybe he's a man
who has trouble
showing his emotions.
Who... likes his life,
especially his emotional life,
to be as tidy as possible.
Not an admirable quality...
not something
he admires in himself,
but ingrained in his character.
Do you believe that, Phoebe?
What are you doing
skulking back there?
I'm sorry to have
interrupted you.
Well, you haven't.
You don't wanna
work anymore, do you?
No, I think we should
call it a day.
I feel we accomplished
a great deal, don't you?
What?
For the past few minutes
I've been standing here
watching my wife and another
man mentally copulate.
I feel like a voyeur.
Leo, you're exaggerating.
I am?
I've been thinking...
I get the feeling
I've walked into
the middle of a family squabble.
No, not at... no, no.
Yes, as a matter of fact,
you have.
Well, don't let me
interrupt you.
I'll just sit quietly over here
and read Phoebe's filthy book.
I think that we should
discuss this later.
No.
No, I think we're finished.
I've decided
to fly down to Washington
to do some research.
How long will you be gone?
I'll be in Washington
about three days...
But I don't know
how long I'll be gone.
I think this is the time
for me to make a graceful exit.
No, Jason...
It's mine.
Jason, sit down.
I think you should both
hear why I'm leaving.
I'd really rather not.
Thank you very much.
Jason, just sit down,
will you, please?
Now, I'm not exactly sure
what's going on with you two,
and I'm not even sure
you know, either.
I love you, Phoebe.
I probably always will.
But I want my marriage
to be a blue-ribbon affair.
And that's about it.
I wish you happiness...
One way or the other.
And I'd like to say
you deserve each other...
But I'm really not sure you do.
I missed the moment again,
didn't I?
You were right about
my lacking spontaneity.
One part of me
standing back always...
Thinking of
the effective gesture.
And I did it again.
Well, I...
Don't know if this is the
right moment or not, but...
How did you sleep?
Fine. Thanks.
How about you?
Very well.
Thank you.
Good.
Well...
I'll go make some coffee.
Great.
God.
That was the most humiliating
experience of my life.
God!
It was absolutely,
utterly horrendous!
I can't believe how...
I really wish you wouldn't
keep doing that.
Jason, I think we should
discuss it openly and frankly.
What?
Our, you know, problem.
Well, that's
certainly being frank.
All right, darling,
I don't want you to feel bad
because I didn't have an orgasm.
And I don't want you to feel bad
because I didn't
have one either.
All right. Let's try
and put it into perspective.
On a scale of one to ten,
would you say we were a five?
I can see why you were
so popular as a teacher...
You're an easy grader.
It's funny, isn't it?
All those years
of pent-up passion,
and it didn't end with a
bang, but a whimper.
And not much of that.
We're about
nine years out of sync.
Our timing's that bad?
We should've
become lovers when we met,
but we didn't.
Instead we became friends.
You don't think it's possible
to have a good sex life
with a friend?
I don't know.
You're the first friend
I've been to bed with.
What about the last scene?
This is it.
I... i can handle it.
So much for happy endings.
Phoebe...
I love you, Phoebe.
I always have.
And when you came back
and it seemed that you didn't...
Feel the same way towards me...
I still loved you.
I suppose that was the clincher.
I'm a very selfish man,
and the fact that I...
Could love someone without
getting anything in return
that... that's incredible.
Then when I woke up this morning
and everything had not been
what we'd both wanted,
you were still my best friend.
I find that extraordinary.
So do I.
Jason:
"He picks up his glass..."
"Takes a sip of the drink."
"He pauses for a moment,
looks at the typewriter,
"puts the glass down,
"then moves to the chair
and sits,
"turns on the typewriter.
"He inserts new paper,
"looks at blank page
for a moment,
"and then, as he starts to type,
the curtain slowly falls."
Okay. Very good.
Let's take
an hour break for lunch,
and then this afternoon
we'll put first act together.
Okay.
See you.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Man: Hey, you wanna
join us for coffee? Come on.
Woman:
See you in an hour.
Jason, the ending
still doesn't work.
That's why you came back?
No.
Where else would I find someone
as hopelessly outdated
as myself?
What are we gonna do
about those two characters?
Um...
Given the basic talent
that i-I'm sure they both have,
um...
Sex can be learned.
I mean...
You weren't a very good writer
when you came to me,
but after a little instruction,
look... look how you turned out.
Come here, Phoebe.
God.
Sorry.
Sorry, it won't work
with your elbow...
On my hip bone.
Well, you have to move your leg.
I can't your leg's on them.
They're stuck.
Well...
Wait a minute.
Can you move... Aah.
Can you move over just...
Jason.
What?
Stop talking and collaborate.