Room Service (1938) Movie Script

Well, what do you want? Can't a man
have a little privacy around here?
The cheque, Mr Miller.
Oh, the cheque. This cheque any good?
Why, yes, sir.
Well, we'll soon find out. There you are.
- Thank you.
- Don't give me any of that "thank you" stuff.
Mr Miller,
many times I have seen your company
rehearsing on the 19th floor.
Please, I would like to play
the part of the Polish miner.
My advice to you is to stay where you are.
Most actors would be tickled to death
to get as close to a lamb chop as you.
And I do mean, you.
You're wanted on the phone, Mr Miller.
Right over here, sir.
Give him a dime.
Oh, Christine. Hello, babe. How are you?
I'm going to be a little late.
But I can't leave until Mr Fremont
goes to lunch. Is that all right?
Well, get over to the rehearsal
as soon as you can.
Don't forget I'm making a star out of you,
and you only invested $250 in this show.
All right. Bye.
Please, Impresario, I read you
what Russian critic, Yacobovitch
say about my interpretation of Uncle Vanya.
That's very interesting.
Just when did he say that?
Just before he was shot.
It is just like in America,
three-and-a-half stars,
and then in the second act
with 300 peasants doing the Kazatsky.
Oh, excuse me, Mr Gribble.
Gordon, I want to talk to you.
Look, Joe, I never like to talk
to a hotel manager on a full stomach.
Gordon, this whole thing is a mess.
If you're referring to that meal
I just had, you're dead right.
I knew this would happen. I should never
have allowed you into this hotel.
Now, Joe, you mustn't be impatient.
I'll pay this bill just as soon as
I find some backers for my show.
After all, you can't shake
suckers out of your sleeve.
Anyhow, I can't.
Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot.
Mr Wagner, the supervising director,
is downstairs now, inspecting the books.
Wagner? I thought he wasn't coming
for another two months.
He walked in on me unexpectedly.
He'll discover your bill any minute.
$1,200 worth of credit
to a shoestring producer.
How will I explain it?
If he finds out you're my brother-in-law,
it'll cost me my job.
It was a business proposition.
In return for a little credit to me
and 22 of my actors,
I gave you a 10/ interest in the show.
Don't forget,
you begged to get in on the ground floor.
You mean I was railroaded into it
by you and Flossie.
You do me a favour, and kindly
keep your wife's name out of this.
Do you realise you're talking about
the woman you love?
And besides, she happens to be my sister
on my mother's side.
Hello, boss.
Ha ha, the rehearsal, she's a wonder.
- Hello, Binelli.
- Yes, sirree, it's a-wonderful.
I still think it's a terrible play,
but it makes a wonderful rehearsal.
- Hello, room service.
- Just a minute, Binelli.
You can't eat here anymore.
Well, there's only one thing to do, Joe,
I'll have to scram.
But Gordon, I can't let you skip.
You'll have to leave your luggage.
All right, I'll leave my luggage,
but we can wear a lot of clothes.
Hey, Binelli, put on three of my suits.
Give me Room 1922.
Faker, here we go again.
Come on down and give us a hand.
Well, you don't want 22 people skipping,
all in one day, do you, Joe?
- No, of course not, but...
- Don't you see, Joe?
Their bills are charged to me,
so they can't be held responsible.
The minute I'm out, we'll have the whole
cast reregister under their own names.
And starting from today, instead of
one big bill, you'll have 22 little ones.
Hello? Joe, it's for you.
- Oh, yes, Mr Wagner. I'll be right down.
- I'll be out of here in 15 minutes.
17 years in the hotel business,
and I have to pull a stunt like this.
Well, this only goes to prove what I
always said, "The hotel is a-no good".
I'm afraid you're right, Binelli.
Say, can you put me up for the night?
Yes, but you'll have to sleep on the shelf.
- What's the matter with the floor?
- I'm on the floor.
What happened to the bed?
Can't get it out of the wall.
Come on, Faker. Give us a hand.
I see you came prepared.
No, he just don't believe in shirts.
Oh, an atheist, eh?
Say, maybe he can put me up for the night.
At the Metropol?
You wouldn't want to stop there, boss.
That's the worst schlock house
on Eighth Avenue.
Well, looks like I'll have to curl up
on the shelf with you.
Sure. You're much better off.
Besides, you'd have to sleep sideways
at his place.
I thought he had a large bed over there.
He has, but he's got four
other guys living with him.
They're packed in like a bunch of sardines.
- What? Running out again?
- Hello, beautiful.
You can't leave. You must stay.
I found a backer for you.
- He's coming up here.
- Who is he? Where'd you get him?
He's an investing agent,
a man named Jenkins.
He just walked into the office
and wanted an interview with Fremont.
And he has money to invest in a play.
What kind of a straitjacket did he wear?
I talked him out of doing business
with Fremont.
I told him all about you, Gordon,
and I gave him a copy of Hail and Farewell,
which he's reading this very minute.
Too bad you made the appointment up here.
I don't know what to do.
If I stay, I may lose the cast.
- Lf you don't, you lose your backer.
- But you must be here when he comes.
- That may be Mr Jenkins now.
- Man the pumps, boys.
Just a minute.
- Mr Gordon Miller?
- In the flesh.
- My name is Davis.
- Davis?
Yes. The author of Hail and Farewell.
Oh, well, this is a surprise.
I guess I should have telegraphed you
I was coming.
Not at all.
Don't mind the appearance of the room.
We were just cleaning up a bit.
- I hope I'm not intruding.
- Certainly not.
This is Miss Marlowe,
who is going to star in your play.
This is Mr Binelli, my assistant,
and this is Mr England,
the brains of the organisation.
That'll give you an idea of the organisation.
Well, I guess I'll go down and register.
You intend to check in here?
Well, before I do that, there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.
You see, I haven't any money to speak of.
I was depending on the advance.
Davis, of course, I could give you the
money. It's really of no importance.
But my advice to you is to go back home.
Let me send for you,
let's say, a week before we open.
But, you see, I've left home for good.
I've burnt my bridges behind me.
I see.
But you could go back if you wanted to.
My mother seemed very happy when I left.
Only a mother's mask.
At this moment, she may be sitting
at the fireside, wringing her hands.
But we have no fireside.
You have no fireside?
How do you listen
to the President's speeches?
What time does the next bus
leave for Oswego?
Excuse me, Miss Marlowe...
In a little while,
you'll be thanking me for this.
Well, I appreciate all your advice...
The next bus leaves at 9:02.
If you hurry, you can make it.
- It's an air-cooled bus. - Come on,
I'll help you down with your bags.
Maybe this is the most important decision
of your life.
Now, wait a minute.
I don't want to appear stubborn,
but I'm afraid I couldn't go back now.
Now, listen, Davis...
If you people have lost interest
in my play, I wish you'd say so.
- It isn't that.
- I'm sure Morton Fremont would buy it.
I've got a letter of introduction to him.
- Fremont?
- I guess you've heard of him.
Davis, I'm beginning to see your point.
You just don't want to go home.
Well, that's it.
It's no use forcing our opinion on him.
It might make him neurotic.
Now, about this advance.
All you actually need it for
is board and lodging?
- Yes.
- Davis, your problem is solved.
You move right in here with us.
No, no. Not another word. You're my guest.
This is Liberty Hall.
- You mean live with you?
- Precisely.
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.
By the way, Davis,
if you happen to have any money on you,
it might be a good idea
to let me put it in my vault, downstairs.
I have 67 cents.
You got 67 cents,
and you're asking us for an advance?
He's always clowning.
Well, if you fellows don't mind,
I think I'll wash up.
Yeah, go ahead.
The rest of us are already washed up.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
I'll have to ask Mr Fremont
for an advance on my salary.
I still have some cinders left in my ears
from that train ride.
Save them for fuel, Davis.
It looks like a hard winter.
Faker, I'm surprised at you.
Yeah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself,
robbing a stranger.
You know, I think he's reforming.
He didn't steal the picture.
Yeah, that's the first
encouraging sign I've seen.
Now I know how Gypsy Rose Lee feels.
Hail and Farewell.
Author. Author. Author.
Hello? Who wants Binelli?
Hold on. Do you know any policeman?
Policeman? What's his number?
What's that?
But officer, this is the
first I hear about this.
Okey-doke. I'll be right over.
Well, what do you know about that?
I've just been dispossessed.
Dispossessed? From that rattrap?
I know what I'll do.
I'll hock the typewriter.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- You explain it to Davis.
Never mind Davis.
I'm going to hock it myself.
But, I need it more than you do.
The cop said he wants to give me a ticket.
My moose head is blocking the fire pump.
- Now, wait a minute.
- I can't wait. I tell you, I got to have it.
If I don't hurry up, the cop is going
to dispossess me from the sidewalk.
Say, this certainly is a nice bathroom.
I never lived in a hotel before.
I had a valet come up
and lay out your things.
- Thanks.
- Well, I'll go down and register for you.
If anyone calls, I'll be right back.
Is this the "We Never Sleep"
collection agency?
Well, this is Leo Davis of Oswego.
No, I'm living here at the
Hotel White Way, Room 920.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, I got behind in my payments
on the typewriter,
and they turned it over
to you for collection.
Well, now, if you'll send a man over here,
I'll be only too glad to pay off the balance.
Come in.
Oh, that's quite all right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that this was Mr Miller's room.
It is. He'll be right back.
Are you an actress?
No. No, I'm the manager's secretary,
Miss Manny.
Well... What will I tell Mr Miller?
Why, nothing. I mean...
No, no, it's not important.
Excuse me,
what did you say your name was?
Manny, Hilda Manny.
I used to know somebody
called Manny up in Oswego.
- Oscar Manny?
- Yeah.
- He used to give me piano lessons.
- Why, he's my uncle.
You don't tell me. Well, what do you know?
- Well, won't you sit down?
- Thank you.
Would you care for a chocolate?
- I got them on the train.
- Thanks.
Gribble, I can't understand
what's going on here.
- You say Miller skipped?
- So I was given to understand, Mr Wagner.
- When did he skip?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I just want to know one thing, Gribble.
What in blazes goes on
inside that head of yours?
- Mr Wagner, I explained.
- The credit limit of this unit is $500.
Miller kept stringing me along from day
to day, showing me backers, telegrams.
I never expected him to skip.
Why, he's a crook, a deadbeat.
- Lf I catch him, I'll have him arrested.
- I'm sorry, Gribble.
I'll have to charge you with the
difference between the limit and the loss.
- That'll be exactly $700.
- Mr Wagner, I protest.
Gribble, I was sent here
to put this unit on its feet.
If I succeed,
there's a vice presidency waiting for me.
And I'm not going to let anybody
stand in my way!
I'm going up to Room 920
and find out for myself.
You know, I almost forgot what I came in
for, but maybe, since you wrote the show,
I could ask you instead of Mr Miller.
You see, it's... Well, it's about an actor.
- Someone you like?
- Oh, I think he's wonderful.
Oh, I see.
Well, he's a waiter in the hotel.
He was a big star in Russia,
in the Moscow Art Theatre.
The Moscow Art Theatre?
You know, he could play the father
in Hail and Farewell.
He's quite a middle-aged man,
and well, he's getting so discouraged.
Anything you can do for him would...
Gee, I just can't picture you
with a middle-aged man.
But I don't see...
No, no. It's nothing like that.
It's just a favour I'm doing him.
Oh, I see. Well...
Well, sure. I'd be glad to
hear him act anytime. Anytime.
Say, who knows?
I may be discovering a great actor.
Oh, you've made me so happy.
Well, I guess I'd really better be going now.
Thanks for everything,
and for the chocolates, too.
Maybe I can hear that Russian actor act now.
That is, I'd like to meet him
if you could be there, too.
Well, that's wonderful. Come on down.
Well, I'm keen.
I'll get him.
He can act for us on the mezzanine.
I can't understand this, Gribble.
You said they checked in this Davis
without cleaning the room?
That's what the clerk said.
Gribble, the more I get into this thing,
the less I seem to know.
But there's one thing I'm sure of.
There's a screw loose in this hotel
somewhere, and I'm going to find it.
Mr Wagner, if you'd only give me a chance
to investigate...
You allow this chiseller to move in,
move in 22 other people.
22 people I can't even find!
And now...
- You're Mr Davis?
- Huh?
Mr Miller, perhaps?
No, wrong again.
Jumping butterballs!
Gribble, they've checked in another man.
- And that makes 23!
- There must be some mistake.
I'll say there is. Who's living here, anyway?
I'll take that.
I'll find out what's going on here.
Oh, boy! I had a tough time
getting him through the revolving door.
Don't talk to me.
What's that?
In the dining room?
I'll be right down.
Don't leave this room, Gribble.
- I have work to do.
- Mr Wagner...
There are 22 people
having dinner down there
and charging it all to Miller!
Jumping butterballs!
He's mad.
I thought Gordon was going to skip.
Well, he's not the skipper he used to be.
You see, we're expecting a backer,
so we had to change our plans.
Yes, and Wagner's charging me with $700
of Miller's bill.
Me, personally.
Kiss me, Joe.
Christine just brought me a backer.
Backer, backer! I'm sick
of hearing that word.
Then you went and registered this Davis.
Anybody want me?
- Are you Davis?
- Leave it to me, Joe.
- Have you any money?
- No, I haven't.
Are you from the "We Never Sleep"
collection agency?
I'm the hotel manager.
Let me tell you something, Mr Davis.
There's $1,200 charged against this room,
and if you move in here with Miller
I'm going to bill you for half of it.
Say, what sort of a hotel is this?
- You move in, and you owe $600 right away.
- Pay no attention to him.
- He's excited.
- I'm not excited!
Gordon, you haven't got a dime,
and you never will have.
- All you've done is ruin me.
- Come on, Joe.
Now you got to give him a chance.
Yes, I'm sick of hearing about your backer.
Yes, speaking.
Oh, Mr Jenkins. Yes, come right up.
Joe, we're out of the woods.
My backer's on his way up now.
Now go down and tell Wagner
if he doesn't behave himself,
I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop.
No, that's too good for him.
I'll make him a guest.
This isn't a trick?
Your backer's really coming?
He's on his way up now.
Now if you just leave us alone
for the next 15 minutes...
Wagner told me not to leave this room,
but I guess this is important.
You bet it is.
Well, what's the matter with you, Oswego?
I'm just a little disappointed, that's all.
You wrote and told me
you were a great manager.
I am a great manager.
A great manager never puts
his own money into a play.
You were all so nice and so kind.
I thought I was moving
into some sort of a club.
Look, everybody does it this way.
Every honest producer has a backer.
A manager puts his own money in a play,
right away you know he's a crook.
Shhh. Money.
- Mr Jenkins, I believe.
- Yes. Mr Miller?
Come right in.
- This is Mr Binelli, my treasurer.
- How do you do, Mr Jenkins?
- Mr Davis, my author.
- How do you do, gentlemen?
Mr Jenkins, I'm glad to meet you.
I've never met a backer before.
Won't you be seated, Mr Jenkins?
Thank you.
I presume Miss Marlowe
has told you all about our meeting?
- Quite.
- I see you have a copy of my play with you.
- It's a great idea, isn't it?
- Quiet.
I enjoyed the play very much.
I'm the investing agent
for a very wealthy man.
I'm sure you'd recognise the name
if I mentioned it.
Who is he? Do I know him?
You see, there's a young lady involved.
And she would like to play a small part?
How did you know?
It came to me in a dream, Mr Jenkins.
Well, my employer's ready to put up $15,000.
Well, I...
I think we could just about manage on that.
- It's a little skimpy.
- Yes, it is.
But I think by cutting an edge here and
there, we could probably slip through.
I'm sure Davis won't mind
writing in a part for the young lady.
I won't change a line in the play.
- Shakespeare didn't change any lines.
- Shakespeare didn't owe $1,200.
You won't have to change a line in the play.
The young lady can play one of the miners.
But the miners are all men.
Do me a favour, Davis,
and keep sex out of this conversation.
I've never produced anything
but clean plays.
If you'll have the papers
ready, I'll sign them
and give you the cheque at,
shall we say, 10:30 tomorrow morning?
Shall we say at your office
at 10:30 tomorrow?
- Why not here?
- You mean, up here?
I'd rather not meet at my office.
There's always the danger of publicity.
You can easily understand
my client's position.
Well... Tomorrow morning. 10:30 then.
- You couldn't make that tonight, huh?
- No, I'm afraid not.
Tomorrow morning at 10:30.
It's a pleasure to see
so much enthusiasm and youth.
- See you all tomorrow.
- Goodbye, Mr Jenkins.
- Goodbye.
- Watch the traffic light.
# We got a backer
We got a backer #
Great news, Joe.
- I've got the money for the play.
- Yeah, we got a backer, Joe. $15,000!
Glory be!
I'll have the cheque
tomorrow morning at 10:30.
Couldn't you get
a couple hundred dollars on account?
I couldn't, Joe.
I might have spoiled everything.
But we have to have money today.
Wagner's furious.
Mr Miller, your entire cast is in the lobby.
They've been locked out of their rooms.
He can't do this to me.
If I lose my cast, I'll sue him.
- Lf I lose my backer, I'll kill him.
- Gordon.
- Now, Gordon, don't start anything else.
- The actors got to sleep someplace.
Can't you put them in the ballroom?
It's just for overnight.
Now suppose Wagner goes into the ballroom
and sees them?
If Wagner comes in, they'll start dancing.
- All right. All right. Here are the keys.
- I'll take care of it.
- But please tell them to keep quiet.
- I will.
Tell them to do soft-shoe dancing.
- I'm going to get out of here.
- You can't do that.
I don't want to lose my clothes.
They're all I've got.
What's this?
They've checked somebody else in?
Why, no. This is Mr Miller.
Ah-ha! So you didn't skip after all.
Mr Wagner, I demand that you reopen
all those rooms on the 19th floor.
The occupants are my guests,
and I'm responsible for their bills.
Then who's responsible for yours? Davis?
I'm responsible for Davis.
- And who are you?
- I'm Davis.
Gribble, he's skipping
right under your very nose.
- I am not skipping.
- No, we're just bringing some things in.
Miller, I want a substantial payment.
Are you prepared to make it?
- I'll give you the entire $1,200 tomorrow.
- Tomorrow won't do.
We must have something today.
Wagner, you've an empty theatre downstairs.
You haven't been able to rent it
for three years. This is your chance.
- Give me till tomorrow, and...
- I am not interested.
Miller, I'll give you just 20 minutes
to clean up this bill. Otherwise...
I'll be locked out?
I see you're familiar with
hotel procedure. Very well.
Now, don't try the old gag
of staying in the room.
I'll force you out.
I'll send in painters, fumigators.
You should've sent in fumigators,
weeks ago.
Come on, Gribble.
I'll pull this hotel out of the red
if I have to check into every room myself.
By Godfrey!
Now I am going to lose my clothes.
What's the matter?
- Well, what's the matter now?
- How do you like that?
Just because he owes six months rent,
they threw him out of his place.
Well, $6 is $6.
- I take it he intends to stay here with us?
- I guess so.
You mean, four of us in one room?
That's without the painters and
fumigators. But let's fight it out, men.
We've got to keep this room until 10:30
tomorrow morning, or we're doomed.
We'll have to sleep in shifts.
I'll take the night shift.
All right, you take the night shift
and I'll take the day shift,
and I'll be in Scotland afore you.
Is there a tourist camp
in the neighbourhood?
Wait a minute.
- Suppose one of us got sick.
- That's the idea.
They can't put a sick man out.
It's against the law.
Remember I had kidney trouble at the Astor
and gallstones at the Plaza.
Those were the happy days.
Why didn't I think of that before?
Binelli, into that bed.
No, it's no good. I'm not registered.
Faker. Get into that bed.
No, he's no good, too. He's not registered.
- Davis. What's the matter with you?
- Yeah, you look terrible.
- Well, I feel fine.
- No, you don't.
Hey, wait a minute.
What are you fellows trying to do to me?
- You've got to play sick.
- No! No!
- You can't let me down.
- But I'm in good health.
- You've got a contagious disease.
- Yeah, the measles.
- I've had the measles.
- It's a relapse.
Faker, get the iodine
and give him a good case of measles.
Wait a minute. Give me a chance to think.
It's a-no time to think.
This will keep us in the hotel.
Couldn't I have a disease
with my clothes on?
Hey, leave me alone, will you?
What are you going to do to me?
Hey, make it bigger.
That don't look like a measle.
That looks like a freckle.
- Come on. Would you leave me alone?
- All right, all right.
Now, take it easy.
Oh, that's a-beautiful!
You're a second Michelangelo.
Slip this to him while I step outside
and see if the coast is clear.
It's Room 920.
I want to get them out right away.
Don't worry, boss. We'll have them right out.
I'll show them
they can't fool around with me.
Here comes trouble.
- Not me, boss. Not me.
- Well, what the...
Jumping butterballs!
I'm weak.
If I don't get something to eat
pretty soon, I'm gonna collapse.
Say, we're just as hungry as you are.
Yeah, but you fellows are used to it.
I've never gone without food
for 18 hours before.
It's all a matter of will power
if you just make up your mind.
I can make up my mind, all right,
but I can't do anything with my stomach.
How about a two-handed game
of pinochle while we're fasting?
No, I'm just going to concentrate
on the food.
If there was only something left
we could hock.
How about that moose head?
Oh, no, you don't!
I shot him with my own hands.
I ate him up to the neck,
but I refuse to part with the rest of him.
If I could get my watch out of hock,
I'd hock it again.
I'm so hungry I see spots before my eyes.
Me, too.
Mine are beginning to look like hamburgers.
If you see one with onions, save it for me.
My mother is the best cook in Oswego.
All right, all right,
you're breaking my heart.
- Room service.
- Better use a different dialect this time.
Hello? This is Dr Glass.
Glass, the house physician.
The patient in Room 920 is very ill.
He must have food immediately.
He just developed a tapeworm.
I see.
He said the tapeworm will have to register.
Two hours ago, you told me
Faker was coming up here with a turkey
that he won in a raffle.
Maybe he's getting it stuffed.
I didn't say he won it exactly.
I said he was going to win it.
After all, he's running the raffle.
He has as good a chance as anyone else.
All you've done is take advantage of me.
You pawned the silver frame
off my mother's picture.
You stole my roller skates.
And you even took 67 cents
out of my pocket while I was asleep.
Well, I had to feed a cast of 22 people,
didn't I?
I wasn't here 10 minutes
when you'd pawned my typewriter.
That isn't even my property.
I still owe money on it.
Why, I may even be arrested.
- What's the matter?
- My head's going around.
Must have been something you ate.
Get into that bed!
Come on, come on, hurry up. Get in.
How do you do,
Oh, hello, Mr Smirnoff.
Oh! I am sorry.
You don't feel good, Mr Davis?
I promised Mr Smirnoff
we'd hear him read the part of the father.
Thank you, Mr Davis.
Binelli, we might have a part for Sasha.
Well, maybe.
Stand over there, Sash.
Turn around.
- What do you think, Binelli?
- He looks just right to me.
I could eat him raw.
Sasha, could you get us a meal
out of the hotel?
But they shut you off room service.
I know, but if you could
make a little mistake
like delivering the right meal
to the wrong room...
Deliver a meal to the wrong room?
We got a terrific part for you.
A terrific part?
Yes, but it's so terrific that unless
Davis gets some food in his system,
he'll be too weak to tackle it.
I don't care about food for myself, Sash,
but if you let a great American author starve
to death, his blood will be on your hands.
You know what the penalty is
for murder in this country?
Well, I just left a big order
on service elevator.
I got to deliver him upstairs,
but I don't know.
You see, I take big chance.
It might lead to a Hollywood contract.
you are singing music in my ears. I...
But if Mr Wagner find out...
Think of the other Russians
who made good in the same way.
- Gregory Ratoff.
- Nazimova.
Ginger Rogervitch.
Three years I slave in the kitchen.
I no got courage.
But now, I got courage. I do it.
Gee, he has a lot of talent.
I've seen him carry 12 dishes at one time.
- How do you do?
- I'm looking for Mr Leo Davis.
- And who are you?
- My name is Timothy Hogarth.
I represent the "We Never Sleep"
collection agency.
Come in, Mr Hogarth. Come in.
It's a pleasure to meet a man
who never sleeps.
You must come up and take a nap some time.
Yes, do. Say, maybe we can
go in vaudeville together.
You never sleep, and we never eat.
- Well, er... is Mr Davis about?
- No, Mr Davis is not here.
How soon will he be back?
Mr Hogarth, I have bad news for you.
I'm afraid he's never coming back.
Gone away?
They took him away.
- Is he ill?
- Worse than that. He went crazy.
Glory be!
I'm sorry to hear that.
But I understand
that he got in from Oswego yesterday.
No, he escaped from Oswego.
Poor man.
Well, there's a matter of $42
due on his typewriter,
which I've been delegated to collect.
I'm afraid you'll never get it.
He tore up all his money.
He must be out of his mind.
Well, in that case,
I'll have to take back the typewriter.
- Oh, he took it with him.
- To the madhouse?
He likes to hear the little bell ring.
Well, I've never made any collections
in a madhouse.
I have my orders.
- Where did they take him?
- The maternity hospital.
Maternity hospital?
But I thought you said he was crazy.
Well, if he wasn't crazy, he wouldn't go
to the maternity hospital, would he?
You can't miss him.
Second straitjacket to the left.
By the way,
don't mention it to the hotel people.
Oh, no, no.
I understand.
- Good day, gentlemen.
- Good day.
Good day.
You shouldn't have told
him a thing like that.
Why not? You can't sue a lunatic.
Well, they may send a letter to my mother.
So what?
Your mother knows you're not crazy.
Gee, I don't know where I'm at.
Mr Gribble says I owe $600,
downstairs they think I've got a tapeworm,
and this man thinks I'm a lunatic.
Did you get the turkey?
The man with the food!
- Stop. Close the door.
- I got it.
Surround the turkey.
Well, we had no cranberries anyhow.
- Gentlemen, I bring you banquet.
- Food!
I'll come back for the dishes.
Snap the lock, Sash.
I hate to double-cross that Russian waiter,
but we can't fire the actor we've got.
He's been rehearsing seven weeks now
without pay.
You mean, you promised him the part
just to get a meal out of him?
No, that's not quite true.
When I made that offer,
I was prepared to go through with it.
But now that I've eaten,
I see things in a little different light.
Hello? For you, Davis.
Oh, hello, Hilda.
Oh, no, I'm not really sick.
I can explain everything.
All right, I'll meet you down in the lobby
right away.
Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to meet the woman I love.
But you're supposed to be sick in bed.
That's the only thing
that's keeping this play alive.
The fact that we've got a sick man here.
Don't you want the play to go on?
Now, listen, fellows,
you've starved me and robbed me,
and I've gone along with you
because I thought I owed it to the play.
Well, there's one thing more important
than any play, and that's love.
- It only comes once in a lifetime.
- Well, once is enough for me.
I'm going now, and I'll brain
any man that tries to stop me.
It's a fine thing. Yesterday we wanted you
to go home, you didn't want to go.
Now we want you to stay, you want to go.
- Make up your mind.
- My mind is made up.
He talks just like one of the characters
in his play.
I don't know. I like a-love.
I like it, too, but there's a
time and a place for everything.
I like it any time.
Hey, Faker, how about you?
Was you ever in love?
Of course, I like them a little bigger.
I'll get it.
- Hello, Christine.
- Hello.
Well, where did this banquet come from?
One of the waiters wants to be an actor.
And I borrowed $2 from the porter,
dashed out of the office,
and expected to find you all
gnawing at the carpet.
- Got the contract?
- Copied it right from Fremont's vest.
It's in the bag,
next to the corned beef sandwich.
- Is this it, with the mustard on it?
- Yeah.
You know, I think I'm going to like this.
I never had a contract
with mustard on before.
- Open the door!
- Wagner.
Faker, get into that bed. You got to play
sick. Christine, sit over there, and play nurse.
Faker, get in there, and start groaning.
Just a minute.
- Get that banana out of your mouth.
- Where's the iodine?
- He's supposed to have the measles.
- Never mind. He's got a tapeworm now.
Open the door!
Just a minute, Mr Wagner. There seems
to be something wrong with this lock.
- Miller, how did that meal get here?
- Dr Glass ordered it for the patient.
Dr Glass did nothing of the kind.
- I refuse to argue with a house dick.
- I'm not a dick. I'm a doctor, Dr Glass.
I want to know how this meal got up here.
Can't I get to the bottom of anything?
They check in. They check out.
They skip. They don't skip.
They get sick. And now this meal.
I'll fire that waiter.
I'll fire the whole darn kitchen!
Quiet, please. There's a patient in the room.
- Mr Davis has a tapeworm.
- Last night it was the measles.
I'm not responsible for complications.
He's got laryngitis, too.
We had to get a nurse.
That groan doesn't sound authentic to me.
Wait a minute. That's not Davis.
I met Davis yesterday,
and he didn't look anything like that.
Certainly not. The man's aged 10 years
on account of the service in this hotel.
Well, his hair wasn't red yesterday.
It's a very rare case.
He's got a red tapeworm.
Well, there's certainly something screwy
going on around here.
Will you consent to have this Davis removed
to a hospital at the expense of the hotel?
It's up to Dr Binelli.
What do you think, Doctor?
The patient is too sick to be moved.
- How do you feel, young man?
- He's hungry all the time.
Please let the patient speak for himself.
How can he speak for himself
when he's got laryngitis?
I insist the patient speak for himself.
There you are. You heard what he said.
I wish you'd hurry, Doctor.
It's time for the patient's nap.
He won't sleep till I find out
what's going on here.
Miller, you've committed fraud.
The only thing that keeps me
from putting him out this instant
is the remote possibility that this man
might have some disease.
- His pulse is normal.
- That's what you think, you little quack.
Quack? I refuse to be insulted.
Doctor, I question your ethics.
I'll have you investigated.
Say ah.
No, no. Ah.
No, ah.
Ah! Ah!
You'll never be able to see the tapeworm
that way.
- Gribble, I thought you knew better.
- Mr Wagner...
Allowing yourself to be hoodwinked
this way by a...
This is all so unnecessary.
I handle my guests in a different way.
And I don't like your way!
It's not the White Way way!
I'm the manager here and I refuse
to allow you to insult my guests.
- What guests? The whole 19th floor is empty.
- You locked them out!
Yes, and I'll lock out this deadwood, too.
I'll show you.
You and who else?
Can't you take it down
to your office and argue?
There's a sick man here.
Hurry up, Doctor. Do something!
Get him healthy! Get him out of here!
Now, calm down, Wagner.
My backer will be here any minute.
I'm not interested in your backer.
All I'm interested in
is getting this man out of here.
Where are you taking him?
I always consider the modesty of my patients
I'll step out of the case.
I have terrible news. He has disappeared.
- He's not in the maternity hospital.
- He's gone.
They transferred him...
to the county hospital.
Go, my friend,
before they transfer him again.
- County hospital? But I...
- There's no time to lose. Scram.
- Hail and Farewell.
- Hail and Farewell.
- Hail and Farewell.
- Hail and Farewell.
- Terrific.
- Sensational.
I didn't think you could do it.
How did you like it, Wagner?
That was a scene from our second act.
Miller, I've been a hotel man for 30
years. I've been in all sorts of...
Hello! Eh?
Yes, this is Mr Wagner.
What's that?
19 people? Jumping butterballs!
19 people were discovered
living in the ballroom.
Throw them out! Come on, Gribble.
We'll find out about this.
- Now, Wagner...
- Hail and Farewell.
He's gonna throw my entire cast
out of the hotel.
Christine, get down,
and tell them all to wait in the lobby.
All right.
That man is perfectly well.
Mr Wagner will be glad to find it out.
Listen to me for one minute, will you?
Tell him tonight, tomorrow, but not now.
I'll tell him right now.
- I'll give you a piece of the show.
- I don't want it.
- I'll put your name in the programme.
- I don't want my name on the programme.
Put that fake doctor's name
on the programme, whoever he is.
I'm going down and tell...
Where's my bag?
- What have you done with my bag?
- You must've left it in the bathroom, Doc.
What are you doing
with this bag here?
- We've got nothing against you, Doc.
- That's it! I just can't...
BINELLl: Just take it easy, Doctor.
Now, it'll only be for a little while.
- You shouldn't have kissed me.
- I just couldn't help it.
I've never done anything like that before.
But I'll forgive you
because you were so nice to Sasha.
Well, I guess that'll hold
that fake doctor a while.
Yes? Speaking.
Oh, come right up, Mr Jenkins.
Binelli, he's here. The backer, he's here.
Santa Claus. Neckties. Faker.
Hey, Faker, where are you?
He's walked out on us. How do you like
that? That's two sick men running around.
You know, Binelli,
we may start an epidemic in this town.
You get downstairs
and see if you can find him.
If Wagner catches sight of him, we're sunk.
Oh, Mr Jenkins! How are you?
Glad to see you. Come right in.
- I'm fine. Well, I see we're all alone today.
- Yes, I thought...
Yes, I thought
it would be much better that way.
- Yes, much better.
- I have the contract right here.
50 shares of Hail and Farewell
made out in the name of Simon Jenkins.
- Just a few paragraphs.
- "Simon Jenkins... 50 shares... "
- Transferable, of course.
- Of course.
I see. That's fine.
Well, you're going to see the signature
on this cheque anyway,
so you might as well know
who your backer is.
- Did you ever hear of...
- Zachary Fiske?
Zachary Fiske himself,
that's the man I represent.
Now you realise why
I don't want any publicity.
Mr Jenkins, you don't have to go any further.
Now, this cheque's made out to me,
but, of course, I'll just
endorse it over to you.
Culver City, California?
That means about five days
before I'll get the money.
- I thought I could get started today.
- Young energy.
Well, I could have our bank wire a
certification to your bank, if that'll help.
If it isn't too much trouble.
Why, it's no trouble at all.
I'll make a note of it.
Now, Mr Jenkins, if you be good enough
to sign the contract...
Oh, Mr Miller, I must remind you once again,
the name of Zachary Fiske
must remain in the background at any cost.
Mr Jenkins, you have my word.
You know what that's worth.
Where's Davis?
Will you go away?
This is the deal I told you about.
- Now, you leave us alone for five minutes...
- You can't put me off any longer.
Now even your phoney sick man is gone.
That gives me legal right
to demand this room immediately.
- Who is this man?
- Never mind who I am. Who are you?
Will you go away?
You can't take those pictures now.
- Pictures?
- Mr Wagner's my press agent.
- He has an idea...
- I have only one idea!
- A publicity man? Mr Miller.
- It concerns the cast.
- I'm here for money!
- I have the cheque.
- What cheque? Whose cheque?
- Whose cheque?
Mr Jenkins happens to represent
one of our greatest...
- Mr Miller.
- I don't give a hoot who he represents!
For Pete's sake, Wagner, will you
get out of here before I fire you?
Fire me?
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- I don't like this.
Sorry, wrong room.
- Isn't that your assistant?
- Mr Gribble, take Wagner out of here.
- Gribble, take Miller out of here.
- Shut up!
Joe, take Wagner away. I've
practically got the cheque in my pocket.
- Mr Wagner, please.
- I'm not leaving this room till Miller's out.
- Are you trying to blackmail me?
- Mr Jenkins.
See what you've done? Miller's my
brother-in-law. I'll vouch for him.
Well, that explains everything.
Gribble, you've committed fraud.
- I'm going to call the police.
- Police?
- You mustn't do that.
- Mr Jenkins, please.
Let me go. I'm not interested in shysters.
- I'm going for a real producer.
Look, Mr Jenkins, please.
- I have a contract.
- Yes.
Good heavens! How do you get out of here?
- Dr Glass!
- They've kidnapped him.
First place, we didn't do it.
Second place, we don't know who he is.
He may be left over from the last convention.
How do you like it?
It's a scene from our second act.
- I don't like it.
- Lf you don't like it,
we'll put it in another scene.
You can have any scene you want.
Well, what are you going to do now?
Don't ask me.
You're supposed to be the doctor.
Don't worry. They won't get away with this.
I'll put them all behind bars,
including Gribble.
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Are you all right?
I haven't been all right
since you came to this hotel.
You see what your brother-in-law did?
- His mind's wandering.
- My mind's not wandering!
I don't blame Miller for tying me up.
He had a perfectly good reason.
He was transacting a legitimate deal.
I hold you responsible for what
he did to me. You drove him to it.
Say, you're not Miller's
brother-in-law, too?
All I know is that Zachary Fiske
is backing his play,
and that's a good enough recommendation
for anybody.
- Zachary Fiske?
- I heard every word in the bathroom.
That man you insulted
was an agent for Mr Fiske.
He has a cheque for Miller,
signed by Fiske himself.
- Fiske? Why didn't Miller tell me?
- Because he's afraid of publicity.
- Because he's afraid of you.
- Yes, everybody's afraid of you.
You steamed in this hotel like a tugboat.
You took charge
without faith in anybody's judgement.
Nobody can talk to you.
"Jumping butterballs!"
I'm through with this hotel, Mr Wagner.
I'll thank you
to remove my shingle from the elevator.
Please, gentlemen, I'm exhausted.
- But you must listen.
- It couldn't be helped.
I'm not accustomed to this sort of thing.
Will you please let me out of here?
Excuse me, Mr Jenkins. I want to apologise.
- There's another Miller in the hotel.
- That's none of my business.
He had the bills confused.
All these gentlemen
have plenty of credit here.
- Mr Miller can have anything he likes.
- All right, all right.
I had no idea Zachary Fiske
had anything to do with this.
Zachary Fiske? How did you...
Where did he...
Dr Glass heard everything in the bathroom.
- Dr Glass? Who told him?
- No, it's perfectly all right.
- We'll keep it quiet.
- Now, if you'll just endorse the cheque,
- Mr Jenkins...
- I don't feel well.
It'll only take a minute.
All you have to do is sign your name.
- I have a weak heart.
- Then you better hurry. Here's the pen.
- I'll vouch for these gentlemen.
- All right, all right.
Mr Jenkins, it would be our pleasure
to have you as a guest.
- Entirely without charge, of course.
- Yes, yes.
Thanks just the same.
I'm going directly to my doctor.
Good day, gentlemen.
Will you please show me
the right way out of here?
This way, Mr Jenkins. Right over here.
- Goodbye, Mr Jenkins.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Bon voyage.
Well, Miller, I'll take that cheque.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- I'll take it. I'm the treasurer.
I'll make a deposit.
And as soon as the cheque clears,
which will be in about five days...
I'd feel a whole lot happier
if you'd let me deposit it in our bank.
- What am I gonna do for money?
- Well, you can draw against the cheque.
We'll bank for you. When the cheque
clears, we'll send over the balance.
- That's only fair, Gordon.
- No, I can't take any chances.
This is a shaky hotel. How do I know
you won't go into bankruptcy?
I'll make out a paper guaranteeing
the whole amount to you personally.
How do we know your credit is good?
Well, I want this bill wiped off
my first report, and I can't do that
- unless I have a cheque deposited against it.
- Gordon, for once in your life, pay a bill.
You might as well.
All right, I'll do it for you, Joe.
Thanks, Miller.
And by the way, I want to move out
of this frowzy little dungeon immediately.
- I want the best suite in the hotel.
- I'll give you the bridal suite.
All right, and about three brides.
- I'm awfully sorry I misjudged you.
- Well, good luck. I hope you have a hit.
- I'll draw up the lease for the theatre.
- Got the cheque?
- Here it is.
- Zachary Fiske.
Well, hail and farewell.
Goodbye, Mr Davis.
- Christine, I'm paying a bill.
- Darling!
Oh, boy. That's great, but
how about the cast, boss?
Yes, they can't live in the lobby.
Everybody move in again.
The hotel is wide open.
- Davis.
- We're rich!
15 grand!
- I just saw Mr Jenkins in the lobby.
- I suppose he told you?
He told me.
He's going to stop payment on the cheque.
He said the only reason he endorsed it
was just to get out of here.
But he can't do that. He
signed a contract. Or did he?
Gee, I feel sick.
Four months to get it,
and one minute to lose it.
They can't do this to me.
I'm going to sue the hotel for $100,000.
You haven't got a leg to stand on.
Then I'll sue Zachary
Fiske. I'll sue Jenkins.
But he didn't sign the contract.
There must be somebody I can sue.
Gee, I'm sorry, but I guess
I'll have to take my play to Mr Fremont.
But you can't do that. It's all we have.
- I know that, but...
- But it isn't fair.
We've worked on it for five months.
I've missed my lunches for rehearsals.
I realise all that,
but I can't wait another five months.
- I've got to make some money.
- You're thinking of Hilda, aren't you?
Not only that...
Well, if it's the waiter you're worried
about, he'll get the part, won't he?
Gee, I don't know what to say.
If we only had another backer.
Davis, we have a backer. Wagner is putting
that cheque through his bank, isn't he?
- Yeah.
- Well, for five days,
we have $15,000 worth of credit.
- Gordon, you're not...
- Why not? We're all rehearsed.
- We can open in five days.
- Sure.
All we need is scenery and costumes.
- We can charge that to the hotel.
- But it's illegal. It's...
Relax, Davis. Wagner is backing the play.
Jumping butterballs!
Well Joe, in a little while,
our fortune will be made.
Your 10/ of the show
will make you a rich man.
You and Flossie can have a bridal suite, too.
I certainly hope so.
Say, that waiter looks great in that part.
How'd you happen to think of him?
- Sasha?
- The minute I set eyes on him,
I said to myself, "There's a great actor".
I can spot them a mile away,
especially if I'm hungry.
Come in.
There you are, Mr Wagner.
They told me you was up here.
- Mr Wagner?
- Oh, it's nothing.
Would you mind signing this receipt again?
- Well...
- What receipt?
Come back later. I'm busy.
But the bank clerk rejected your signature.
- The bank?
- I just signed something. It's nothing, Joe.
- Come back in the morning.
- I must have it tonight, Mr Wagner.
This is not Mr Wagner.
Let me see that receipt.
I'm the hotel manager.
Not Mr Wagner?
No wonder that signature ain't good.
Good heavens!
- It's just as big a blow to me.
- The cheque, it bounced.
I walked into your office this afternoon.
This gentleman says he's Mr Wagner
and signs a receipt.
The bank won't accept the signature.
Buddy, you go back to the bank
and tell them Mr Wagner can't be reached.
- But this is strict orders...
- Come back in the morning.
- $15,000.
- Now, don't get panicky, Joe.
Pull yourself together,
and for Pete's sake, don't tell Wagner.
I was saving my little surprise till now.
- How do you like it, Joe?
- What?
I like it.
Well, then, let's have a drink on it.
Right off the ice, finest stuff there is.
I'm overwhelmed.
Well, after all, you're a guest
in good standing now, you know?
Of course, you still owe us a little bill,
huh, Joe?
As soon as I finish dressing.
Oh, dear!
You know, regardless of how
I feel about that fellow personally,
I still think it was a good idea
to make this gesture.
Yes, sir. After all...
Say, you look pale. Is something wrong?
I don't feel so good.
Hm. It must have been
that fish we had for dinner.
The food in this hotel is certainly crummy.
Imagine a shrewd manipulator like Fiske,
putting his money in a piece of cheese.
Not me.
Come now. Snap out of it. Take it easy.
At this hour? Well, put him on.
It's a clerk at the bank.
Hello? Yes, this is Mr Wagner.
Verify what signature?
What receipt?
Just a moment.
Did you sign my name to a receipt today?
Why, no.
What's it for?
Some cheque came back.
Probably some transient.
I have to get a headache powder.
So I shall take this up with my bookkeeper!
I can't be bothered with...
What's that?
Zachary Fiske? You investigated?
He stopped it?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
In the morning, in the morning,
in the morning...
# I'm heading for the last roundup
# Git along little doggie
Git along little doggie
# Git along little doggie
Git along
# I'm heading for the last roundup #
Wagner, you don't know how lucky you are.
You're in the hotel business.
No headaches, no worries...
Come, brother Wagner,
let's start the champagne flowing.
Now, you don't mind
if Binelli joins our little party.
Oh, no. No.
In fact, I insist,
but I hope to make it a real party.
I have another surprise for you, boys.
A big surprise.
Now, don't go away.
I'd like to get a licence to hunt Wagner.
He'd look great alongside of my moose.
Hey, what's the big surprise?
I just ran into Mr Wagner. He insisted
I come in here and have a drink.
He's gone backstage to get Faker, too.
He said he had a great big surprise
just for the four of us.
Gee, I always thought they celebrated
after an opening, not before.
That depends. With a show like
this, you celebrate before.
It's awfully hard to celebrate
when you're running from an audience
that wants its money back.
Yes, Joe?
What's the matter? Who told him?
Joe! Joe!
- Wagner found out?
- They called him from the bank.
- Well, what's he going to do?
- Joe couldn't talk.
I don't see what you fellows
are so frightened about.
Mr Wagner was bound to discover it anyway.
There's nothing he can do now.
I'm going down and face him.
- Maybe the kid's right.
- Come on. Let's go down.
Hey, where do you think you're going?
Get back in there.
- Well, you can't keep me here.
- Oh, can't we?
- The house dicks. - Get in there,
corn-fed and be quick about it.
- You can't do this to me! I'm the author!
- Here's your hat.
Oh, what's the use? I give up.
I've got actors in the dressing room, scenery
on the stage, and an audience in the theatre,
and I've got to sit in a hotel room
on opening night, waiting to be arrested.
Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested
for writing a play.
Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.
19 minutes.
Hilda and I were going to be married
right after the opening.
- Gee, I guess they'll take our fingerprints.
- They got mine.
- You've been in jail?
- Sure. It's not bad.
You behave yourself,
they make you a trustee.
If we only had some money,
we could bribe those hotel dicks.
Maybe the hotel would advance us some.
And stay in there.
Well, the quartet is complete.
What'll we do now, sing Sweet Adeline?
I got an idea. Let's turn on the fire alarm.
- We start a riot, then we can...
- We can't have a fire alarm without a fire.
All right, then, let's have a fire.
Well, even with a fire,
we still got 15 more minutes.
Any more brilliant ideas, Binelli?
How about the window?
How high up are we?
No, that's too high.
You know, there must be an easier way
of killing yourself.
I once killed myself.
I mean, that was my
initiation into the fraternity.
They made me do a phoney suicide act.
I scared the chemistry professor stiff.
Say, this chemistry professor,
he really believed you committed suicide?
Oh, yes.
He was gonna send for an ambulance.
- That's just what I was thinking.
- You mean, we carry him out?
Of course. He drinks a bottle of poison.
We have to rush him to the hospital.
- The house dicks have let us through.
- That sounds great.
But don't forget, you haven't got three
chemistry professors standing out there.
We'll make it look authentic.
Davis, you go into the bathroom.
We go out in the hall screaming.
They rush in. There you are.
- Dead as a herring.
- No, not dead, just dying.
You're still living. That's why
we're rushing you to the hospital.
You're in great danger.
Then, after you carry me out,
we sneak in the theatre and see the show.
You wouldn't think
I came from Oswego five days ago.
Hey, Faker, come here.
You help Davis.
Now you go into the bathroom, remember,
count up to 50 before you start dying.
I know what to do.
Well, how did you like my little surprise?
In about 15 minutes,
when the show is in full swing,
the sheriffs will come along and take
every bit of scenery off the stage.
- Right in view of the audience!
- But Wagner!
I'll get the pleasure of calling
my lawyer, who'll get the sheriffs.
Mr Wagner, please.
What's that?
Who's in there?
Good heavens!
- Committed suicide.
- Davis. Davis, here.
- Oh, you... you drove me to it.
- What have you done? Give me that bottle.
Get him some water!
- This is terrible!
- Drank a whole bottle of poison.
- No! That's the poison you're giving him.
- Why didn't you stop him?
I didn't take him seriously when he said
you were driving him to suicide.
I suppose I'll have to testify to that
at the inquest.
Well, don't stand there, Gribble.
Do something, you idiot.
- Get the house doctor.
- He resigned. Shall I call an ambulance?
No, blockhead, that means publicity.
He's going fast.
No, wait. No, wait. Wait.
An antidote, that'll do it.
Gribble, you run down to the drugstore,
and send those house dicks away.
We must keep this quiet.
- He's turning blue.
- We must do something.
We got to save him. Miller, you work on him.
Don't let him die.
Jumping butterballs!
This is our chance to see the show.
And the minute he finds out
you're not dying,
he'll send for those sheriffs
and stop the show.
Davis, there's only one thing for you to do.
You'll have to stay up here and keep
on dying for two-and-a-half hours.
- What?
- Till the show's over.
Well, why? I want to see the show.
Well, if you don't keep on dying,
there'll be no show.
Gee, I don't know whether I can keep it up
for two-and-a-half hours.
- It's all right. We'll help you.
- Leo!
Leo, Mr Gribble said you were dying.
It's only a plot, darling. I'm all right.
Hilda, we're in a jam.
We got to pretend that Leo is dying,
or Wagner will close the show.
I'm beginning to understand.
Good. You go downstairs
and keep an eye on the show,
and if anything goes wrong,
come up and tell us.
Gee, it's just like a play, isn't it?
All right, darling, I'll do my best.
And if I don't come back,
then you'll know it's good news.
If you do come back,
bring four bottles of poison.
Hurry up before they come back,
and groan, groan, stagger about.
Don't die too soon. You must take your
time, and you mustn't die before 11:00.
Don't you worry.
I'll give you the best performance
you ever saw in a hotel bedroom.
That's the spirit.
Good luck, Davis. Drop dead.
Are you sure we've got enough?
Yes, if this doesn't do it,
I don't know what we'll do.
Nobody ever committed suicide
in this hotel before.
Here's some Ipecac. Give him a dose of it.
Give him plenty.
- Come on, Gribble. You're all thumbs.
- I'm going as fast as I can.
Come on, Davis,
a little Ipecac wouldn't hurt you.
- Come on, drink.
- Just take the shot.
Here, here.
Somebody take this and give it to him.
- Come on. Come on.
- I'm being as fast as I can, Mr Wagner.
Straight down. Right down there.
This will do it.
This will bring him out, all right.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
Hurry, Gribble. Hurry.
You don't seem to be doing anything!
Boy, you know,
we always used this when we were kids.
- Come on. Put some more eggs in there.
- All right.
Can't you groan any more?
If I groan once more,
that Ipecac you gave me
will come up and spoil the whole show.
Well, in that case, consider yourself dead.
He's dying.
It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.
What a horrible end!
Such a young man.
All he said was "mother".
On the stage downstairs, they have
barely begun your immortal second act.
While up here,
you have already finished your last act.
Too soon. Too soon.
- He died too soon.
- An hour too soon.
- I'll never forgive myself for this.
- Now, don't take it too hard.
- We should have sent for an outside doctor.
- But he kept recovering.
And dying.
And recovering again.
It all happened so suddenly.
Yes, too darn suddenly.
Every time we gave him the Ipecac,
he seemed to get better.
Maybe we should have
given him more Ipecac.
As a matter of fact,
I think we gave him too much.
If we could only bring him back.
An hour ago, we were at each other's throats,
and now...
A thing like this makes you realise.
It certainly does.
You struggle for money.
What good is it?
- You never know who's next.
- Yes.
Here today. Gone tomorrow.
Goodbye, Leo.
"Good night, sweet prince. "
Well, I guess we've all got to go sometime.
It's too bad he didn't die at the Astor.
You mean, it's bad for the hotel?
Well, it isn't good.
There's bound to be a scandal.
Oh, well.
I guess I may as well notify the police.
- Wait. Is that necessary?
- It's the law.
- But if we could arrange...
- Arrange what?
Well, if his body wasn't found
in the hotel proper...
Naturally, it would help us.
We could dump him in the alley.
- Oh! No! No!
- How can you be so sacrilegious?
The body not cold yet!
What are you thinking of?
I'm not going to violate the law.
I'll have to call the police.
Listen, Wagner, there's no hotel law
that prevents a couple of guests
from carrying out a drunken friend, is there?
- We could lug him out the back way.
- And into the theatre.
- He'd be found in the seat.
- The author saw his own play
on the stage and took poison.
- Instead of a suicide, you have a mystery.
- And it wouldn't happen in the hotel.
No. No, I'm sorry. I got to call the police.
- Just a minute, Mr Wagner, don't phone yet.
- Why not?
Well, before they take him from us,
couldn't we say a few words over him?
That's the least we could do.
Well, yes, of course.
My friends, my heart is too
full to say what I really think.
Davis is no longer with us.
It doesn't seem possible.
He was a great playwright,
who died too soon.
- Yes.
- Well, now, I'm...
E pluribus unum.
# Swing low
# Sweet chariot
# Comin' for to carry me home
# Swing low
# Sweet chariot
# Comin' for to carry me home
# If you get there
# Before I do
# Comin' for to carry me home... #
He's not in the county hospital.
# Tell all my friends
# I'm coming too
# Comin' for to carry me
# Home #
Shall I phone for the police now, Wagner?
I'll do it.
This whole thing was my responsibility.
- You go downstairs. I'll phone the police.
- All right, Wagner.
- Get me...
- Please.
That's the same phone he used
when he spoke to his mother up in Oswego,
only an hour ago.
All right.
Now, remember,
I don't feel responsible for his death.
I never knowingly hurt anybody in my life.
"Wagner drove me to my death,
just as he drove Leo Davis. "
Wagner, you and I have got
to dispose of this dead body.
Maybe we can sell it
to some medical student.
Not with conditions the way they are.
- Come on, we'll dump him in the alley.
- Me, carry him? I couldn't do that.
Come on, we'll just pretend he's drunk.
Give me a hand.
I can't. That dagger. That paper.
I'll dispose of the dagger.
Come on, Wagner. We have no time to lose.
He's not cold yet.
I'll fix that. I'll phone for some ice.
Hello? Room service.
Send up enough ice to cool a warm body.
Let's take him down the service elevator.
I won't have him insulted.
He'll go with the regular passengers.
Well, someone might see us.
Come on.
I can't stand this much longer.
Take it easy. We'll dump him right here.
- We're doomed.
- Take it easy.
Well, Mr Miller,
your show is certainly going great.
Well, that's fine.
- What have you got there?
- Where?
Oh, there.
One of my actors,
he's passed out from the excitement.
- I need him for the third act and look at him.
- You'd think he was dead.
Yes, wouldn't you?
Your friend looks
as though he had a snoot full, too.
Yes, but he'll get over it. Come on, Wagner.
How do you do, Mr Miller?
- How's it going?
- It's a terrific hit, Mr Miller.
For a little light.
For this,
Washington and Lincoln lived,
and although I speak to you
with a foreign accent,
still I speak
for a newer, a freer America.
You win, Vladek.
- They're crazy about it.
- But what about the other dead man?
With a hit like this, we'll give him the
biggest funeral this town has ever had.
Author, author...
It isn't over yet.
We could not have won
except for the sacrifice
of our late comrade, who gave his life
that we might win.
Bring the body in,
and let us pay it
the last moments of reverence.
# Swing low
# Sweet chariot
# Comin' for to carry me home
# Swing low
# Sweet chariot... #
It's going great guns, isn't it, Mr Wagner?
# Comin' for to carry me home
# If you get there
# Before I do
# Comin' for to carry me home #
Yeah, man.
# Tell all my friends
# I'm comin' too #
Sure enough.
# Comin' for to carry me home #