Rose All Day (2022) Movie Script

1
(upbeat music)
- [Olivia] Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay.
I don't wanna get all sappy you
guys.
- [Kelly] Oh, come on.
I love it when you get all
sappy.
- Stop, okay.
I just wanna say, I love you
guys and you're my family.
So, I don't know.
Happy graduation.
(girls cheer)
Here is to the beginning
of real life, you guys,
and no matter what happens,
I know we're gonna be friends
forever.
- We will.
- It's a nice idea, but come on.
- No, I'm with Kelly.
In fact, she's the reason that
we met in the first place.
- Oh my God.
That's right.
Because you made us sign up
for that kickball league.
- [Paige] Oh, gosh.
- I really wanted to play.
- You didn't have a team.
- So you found as many lost
freshmen
wandering around the quad as you
could.
- And our team lasted.
- Oh, one game.
- One game.
- Just one.
- But that was a great game.
- Yes it was.
- Is this chardonnay?
- No.
It's rose.
- Oh.
- Fancy.
- I didn't know there was
anything but red or white.
- Oh, I love you, Kel.
Someday I'm gonna be
sipping rose in Paris.
No, no, no, no, no.
Italy, then Paris.
- Fine.
As long as you take me with you.
- You know you're my ride or
die.
- You guys, you have to promise
you'll come visit with me.
- Oh, I love you so much,
but I'm not driving to Orange
County.
- It's like 12 freeways away.
- [Gwen] I know.
- Seriously though.
We need to have a plan to
see each other, people drift.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes for good reason.
- What?
- Hey.
- Not us.
We're not gonna drift.
- Oh my-
- Okay, you know what?
I officially declare today, May
27th, as
Rose All Day-
- Hey.
- ... for the rest of lives.
- For the rest of our lives.
- Yes.
- That's a little ambitious even
for you.
- No, it's catchy, Rose All Day.
(girls cheer)
- It's our own little thing you
guys.
- Oh yeah, we have a thing.
- I'm gonna be a little more
Cranberry All Day.
I have a UTI, too much
graduation sex.
- Oh.
- Ayay.
- So, here is to the
first annual Rose All Day.
- In May-
- So we won't drift away-
- In Orange County-
- Or have to drive on 12
freeways-
- Even if I have to drink
cranberry-
(girls cheer)
- And that's all there is to
say.
(girls cheer)
- Rose all day-
- In May-
- So we won't drift away-
- In Orange County-
- Or have to drive on 12
freeways-
- Even if I have to drink
cranberry-
- And that's all there is to
say.
(girls cheer)
- If you'll excuse me, ladies.
I think I see a potential
UTI in my future.
(girls cheer)
- Or have to drive on 12
freeways-
- Even if I have to drink
cranberry-
- And that's all there is to
say.
(girls cheer)
- Freeze.
Hands where I can see them.
You're all under arrest.
- Oh no.
- For being too fucking hot.
(girls screaming)
(mellow music)
- Here we go.
- [Natalie] Oh, look how pretty
it looks.
- [Kelly] Oh my gosh.
- Where's or girl?
- Where is she, where is she?
There she is.
- Olivia.
(girls scream)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow.
I always forget how big
your parents' guest house is
compared to my studio apartment,
which I'm super grateful for.
- Oh yeah.
Well, it's great.
It's temporary.
My parents are actually
moving to Phoenix in a month
and then I get to rent
the big house from them.
- Oh.
- Oh, they're making you pay
rent.
I am so impressed.
Good for them.
How much?
- Oh, $100 a month.
- Wow, you'd think they'd cut
you a break
for being their kid.
- Well, I am still paying
off my student loans, so-
- [Natalie] Me too.
- [Kelly] Yeah.
- So did you guys carpool or
what?
- [Chloe] Kind of.
- Well, I'm a Lyft driver now.
So I picked up Chloe in Culver,
walked two dogs in mid Wilshire,
did a Grubhub delivery in West
Hollywood,
picked up Nat in NoHo
and came straight here.
- My God.
What time did you leave?
- She picked me up at 6:30 this
morning.
- But I only charged you
for the first five miles.
- I know, it's such a deal.
- [Olivia] What's in the box,
Kel?
- Oh, okay.
You are looking at the
newest beauty consultant
for Pure Truth Beauty.
- I've never heard of it.
- Apparently they're really big
in Norway.
- Yeah, get ready to hear
how many chemicals are
poisoning your face right now.
- Well, I'm actually not
really wearing any makeup, so-
- Oh, right.
I always forget how perfect you
are.
Kidding, love you.
- Oh, Clo,
I thought maybe we would
save that for the toast.
Yep, or not.
That's fine.
- Liv, don't quote me on this.
- Yeah, I won't.
- There's something like
20 to 45 toxic substances
in most moisturizers,
which is a leading cause of face
cancer.
- Hold on.
There's face cancer?
- From toxic moisturizers.
- Yes, well, I'm so excited to
try it.
- Perfect.
Okay, so this is a masque
called Dirty Diana.
Well, all the products are named
after Michael Jackson songs.
- Is that really legal, though?
- Sure.
I mean, I guess.
I don't know.
Here-
- Oh, okay.
You know what?
Let's save that for when
everyone else is here.
Right?
It's a great idea.
But I'm so excited.
So excited.
- It doesn't have animal
poop in it, does it?
- Gross.
No.
- Throw me a jar.
Okay, they don't list
any of the ingredients
on the packaging.
Now I know that's illegal.
- Well, Norway has different
laws.
Plus, they are a more trusting
people.
We could learn a thing or
two from the Norwegians.
- Name one other thing you
know about the Norwegians.
- They're next to Finland.
- Are they?
- Aren't they?
- How about everyone there
is automatically registered to
vote.
They have pledged to become
climate neutral by 2030
and their healthcare system is
based
on the principle of universal
access.
- See?
Told you.
More trusting people.
- Hello.
Who's ready to party?
Rose All Day, ladies.
Can I get a woop-woop?
(girls cheer softly)
Okay, well.
I thought more of us were here,
so-
- [Chloe] Just us.
- Well, I am ready
to party.
- Thank you.
- I just wasn't sure if
you wanted us to respond
and then I feel like we just
made it awkward for you,
so yeah.
- That's okay.
- Hey babe, your boobs are wet.
- Oh yeah, look at that.
Time to pump and dump.
- Does pumping make you
have to go to the bathroom?
- [Morgan] What?
- Pump and dump?
- Oh, oh, oh no, gross.
No, I just, I started drinking
as soon as I pulled into Liv's
driveway,
and the booze goes straight into
my milk.
Sorry,
are we-
- Toasting?
Yeah, apparently when everyone
gets here.
- So you can make mixed drinks
out of those things, huh?
- Oh yeah.
You don't even wanna
know all the crazy shit
that happens to your body
after you've given birth.
No one tells you you're
gonna piss your pants
for the rest of your life.
(breast pump pumping)
So what's up Clo?
You president yet?
- Yeah, I love when you joke
about that
like it's something
that could never happen.
- Oh, that's not what I meant.
You know you always have my
vote.
- Great.
Primaries are in two weeks.
- The what?
- The primaries.
Oh my God.
The primary elections.
- Yes.
- [Chloe] The top two candidates
advance
to the general election.
- General election, yep.
- [Chloe] In November.
- In November.
Okay, great.
Well, great.
Just hit me up then.
That gives me plenty of
time to get registered.
- You are not registered?
- No, no, no.
I was kidding.
I'm kidding.
I am registered.
Mm-hmm.
I am, yes.
'Cause I care about the issues.
- [Chloe] Ah.
- You know,
change.
- [Chloe] Sure.
- And all also healthcare.
And also Prop C.
- Oh, stop.
- [Morgan] Okay, sorry
- Stop talking.
(doorbell rings)
- Woo.
I hope that's the penis.
- [Chloe] Oh my God, what?
- [Morgan] What?
- [Natalie] What are you talking
about?
- Did she just said, "Penis"?
- [Natalie] What did you do?
- [Chloe] Oh my God,
you're gonna hurt yourself.
- [Natalie] Please don't hurt
yourself.
- Look at her go.
- What kind of penis?
- Where do you want your dick?
- Next to the bush.
- In a condom, preferably.
- In jail for tax fraud.
- You could just put it
right here by the pool.
But not too close.
We need room to suck from the
tip.
(girls exclaiming)
- [Kelly] Surprise, my treat.
- Oh my ...
There is a large ice penis in my
backyard.
- How did you pay for that
thing?
- Well, one of the women
I rent errands for,
she owns the company.
- That's so lucky for us.
- Is it too much?
- No babe, it's fine.
We'll all just pretend
we're on a spring break reality
show trying to win a date
with a guy named Blaze.
- Hey, I auditioned for that,
but they had only one spot for
an Asian
and Yuki Kimura was
way more Asian than me.
- I love Yuki.
It's a shame they sent her home
'cause she wouldn't hook up with
someone.
She was at a total disadvantage
because she wasn't fluent in
English.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you for your input.
- Bullshit if you ask me.
- Sure.
Should have cast me.
- [Morgan] Oh, there she goes.
There it is.
- Well, I start on Monday.
- [Kelly] That's exciting.
- Kind of.
It's just another office
assistant job.
- Oh, I miss my job.
- Oh, you have the most
important job ever now.
- Okay, I wouldn't say
the most important job.
- Well, of course you wouldn't.
- What, you think changing
diapers is more important
than immigration reform or equal
rights?
- You think that's all I do?
- No.
But, to Kelly's point,
what you do now is a lot
more impactful on our world
than what you used to do, right?
- Wow.
- You know, being the
top Bloomingdale's buyer
was impactful, Chloe.
I decided the fashion
trends for upper class women
in every major metropolitan
area, okay?
So, we can't all be Alexandra
Casio Ortez.
Am I right?
- Ocasio-Cortez.
- What?
- [Chloe] Forget it.
- You know, I do miss
your discount, though.
- Oh God, tell me about it.
This is TJ Maxx bullshit.
Which is actually fine because
it smells like baby puke.
No, Kelly.
Kelly.
Don't smell it.
Liv, you were the smart
one for never wanting kids.
- I never said that.
- Yes you did.
All the time in college.
- Okay. Well, that was a
really long time ago, so-
- Well even just last year
when I asked you to be Zoe's
godmother, you were like,
"This is the closest I'll
ever get to being a mom.
Thank God."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Remember when I did your
online dating profile,
and you had me filter out
every guy that had kids,
who wanted kids or liked kids.
- That's right.
Oh, or when you helped raise
money for male birth control-
- Right, okay, yes.
Fine.
I might have mentioned it one
time.
People change.
- [Morgan] Sure.
- Okay.
- Totally.
Remember when I went
through that commune phase?
- [Morgan] That was crazy.
- [Natalie] That was a cult.
- But it was almost on
an episode of Dateline.
So close.
- [Morgan] I know, that
would've been big for you.
- [Natalie] Something to be
proud of.
- I don't think so.
No.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, sorry.
Hold on, I gotta take this.
Hi.
What's wrong.
- [Michael] She pooped in the
bathtub.
- Okay.
So clean it up.
- [Michael] How?
- Zoe, Zoe, hi Zoe.
- Zoe, Zoe.
- Hi, little baby.
- You cannot see this.
- Hi, baby.
Did you poop in the bathtub?
- You did the poops.
- [Michael] What do I do with
the poop?
- Oh, what do you mean?
- [Michael] How do I get
it out of the bathtub?
And then, do I put it in the
toilet or the trash or what?
- Just use a cup or something.
Not one that we drink out of.
I'm sorry.
I got it. Let me just
go on real quick, sorry.
Michael, how many times
did she poop in the bathtub
before you noticed?
- Hi.
- Hi, good to see you.
- Hashtag Mom Life.
Hashtag No Thank You, right?
- [All] Hey.
- [Olivia] Hey Paige.
- Ladies, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm still on London time.
Wow.
This reminds me of my
last layover in Reykjavik.
- Cause everything is frozen?
- Yes.
And Icelandic men have
huge, slippery cocks.
- They do?
- Kelly.
Where is Gwen?
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me she's not coming
'cause she's still about the Tom
thing.
We barely slept together
months before they even met.
- Yeah.
For someone who schedules
forgiveness time into their
journal,
that girl can hold a fucking
grudge.
- I'm sure she's let that go by
now.
- Really?
Because the last time we were
together
she made a point of encouraging
me
not to breathe and stretch.
- Yikes.
That is bad.
- Yeah.
(mellow music)
(clippers clipping)
- Hey Kel, where'd you get the
clippers?
- Well, I always carry a pair in
my purse.
- That's great.
I'm sorry.
Could you literally do that, I
don't know,
anywhere else please?
- Sorry, is it grossing you out?
- No, no, no, no.
It's not, it's just the sound.
- Oh, right.
- Your ...
What's it called?
- Misophonia.
- Misophonia, right.
- Yeah.
- I remember one time I was
in your apartment chewing gum,
you almost threw me out the
window.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'll just bite the last
one off.
- Oh God, no.
Please, don't do that.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's weird, it's weird.
But it is a legitimate
condition, I swear to God.
There are just some sounds
that fill me with a rage
that I cannot explain.
- Well, I understand.
Well I don't, but no more
clippers or gum or skateboards
or silverware clinking or ...
What's the other one?
- Sniffing.
- Sniffing.
- And eating sounds.
- And leaf blowers and car
horns.
- Wrappers of any kind,
people that drag their
feet when they walk.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm so me.
- It's fine.
We're used to it.
- Oh, so nice to be in
one place for a while.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I love being a stewy, but I
don't know.
Sometimes I envy people like
you.
- Aww, you're so sweet.
- Like you Kel, perfect example.
You just wake up every morning
and run errands for other
people with important jobs.
No stress.
No traveling off to exotic
countries every other day,
or being hit on constantly
by first class passengers,
or having to squeeze in an
ab workout during a layover.
You guys can totally
just let your bodies go
and it doesn't affect your jobs
at all.
- So I've totally let myself go.
- Your abs do look great.
- [Paige] Part of the job,
darling.
- Having great abs is part
of being a flight attendant?
- You want the good shifts?
Yeah.
I mean they don't outright say
it but,
no it's complicated.
- Sounds pretty simple to me.
- I have to stay in bikini
shape.
It's kind of my thing.
I take a bikini selfie in
every new city I go to.
- She does.
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
- I have stood in front
of the Oscarsborg Fortress
in dead winter wearing nothing
but a pink g-string and
earmuffs.
- I remember that one.
So cute.
- That's my favorite.
- And that's related to your
job, how?
- I have over 20,000 Insta
followers.
- Oh Jesus.
- Okay.
Well, whatever.
I'm trying to get my own
political travel show on
YouTube.
- Oh, oh great.
Great.
Just what we need.
Another person who thinks
they understand politics
feeling like they need
to share their opinion
with the masses.
- Are we talking about me or
you?
- Yeah, let's go back to
political travel shows.
- Yes.
So, I'm gonna travel the
world and interview people
about what it's like
to be a young, black
conservative republican like me,
prove that climate change is a
hoax,
that kind of thing.
- Right, while wearing a bikini.
- [Paige] Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm having trouble 'cause
there's just so many things
to be offended by.
I just don't know which one to
pick.
- Well, I'd watch that.
It's good to be educated
about the other side.
- Yes.
And speaking of the other side,
since when are you a
conservative republican?
- Mainly since the last
election,
which was stolen from us.
- You know, I'm not
taking the bait, Paige.
But if I did, I would fucking
destroy you.
- Hey.
What I miss?
- Oh my God. Have you been
on the phone this whole time?
- Fucking yes.
Michael dropped the baby
into the poopy bath water,
it splashed up into his eyes,
she swallowed some,
and he wanted to go to
the ER for both of them.
- Oh my God, are they okay?
- Oh no, is she okay?
- She's fine.
I mean, you know how many
times I've swallowed baby poop
in the last 18 months?
- No, please don't tell me.
- [Morgan] At least once a
month.
- Oh.
- I mean, the point is,
it's baby poop, Michael.
I mean, so what?
So you'll put your tongue
in my ass during sex,
but a little baby poop made
mostly out of smashed pears
gets on your face and
you're ready to call 911?
Right?
- That's a lot of information.
- Sure.
- [Kelly] Does anybody have any
lotion?
- Oh, yes I do.
Actually, in your gift bags.
- Gift bags?
- Yeah.
- Gift bags.
Let's do gift bags.
- God, Gwen's still missing.
I wanted to do it when everybody
was here.
I put a little something extra
in there
for you guys, so-
- She's probably stuck
in downward dog position
somewhere in Laguna Beach.
- Right.
Right, right, right.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna get them, I'm
gonna bring them over here,
so that they're ready when she
gets here.
Yeah.
That's a great idea.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
- I like Gwen.
Her blog is so inspirational.
- Didn't she start a paper
business or something?
- Yeah, inspirational journals.
We all got one for Christmas.
Well, except for Paige.
- Oh, yeah.
The Tom thing.
- Well, I use mine all the time.
- Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Right after I pick some
fresh flowers from my garden,
I journal about my dreams.
"Friends,
what's stirring your heart
today?
Sister lionesses,
are you ready to roar?
Cause I'm ready to hear you.
Unless my husband saw your
tits eight years ago."
- Five.
- I'm sorry, I love her, but
fuck me.
Has she always been this
annoying?
- She probably says the
same thing about us.
- No, come on.
Hey,
let's talk more politics.
Chloe, why don't you tell
us your campaign promises.
- Okay, I know you're being
sarcastic,
but I'm gonna take it anyway.
Okay.
Thank you so much for inviting
me to, insert location here.
It is a beautiful day
in the 37th district.
Ever since I was a teenager,
I've been moved to-
- Gwen's here.
Gwen's here.
We can do gift bags.
- Liv is really overselling
these fucking gift bags.
- I'll finish my speech later
when everyone's a little more
focused.
But there's this really
great part about my plan
to overturn the decision
in Citizens United vs
Federal Elections Commission.
It totally kills, so ...
(Kelly claps)
Thanks.
- Yep.
(Gwen exhales)
- Well,
I for one could use a
few cleansing breaths
after that traffic.
Olivia, join us for some
breathing.
Oh,
I am sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the yoga
studio.
They had something to give me.
An award.
For 300 days of yoga.
Oh, no thank you.
I don't like alcohol to
interfere with my ability
to be totally present.
Did you guys already toast
without me?
- Yeah.
Rose All Day, freeways and-
- [Natalie] Yeah, my body
does not bend that way.
- Oh, friends.
Well, I bend so I don't break.
Besides, yoga isn't for the
flexible, it's for the willing.
- Well, I'm neither.
So Chloe, you wanna pass me that
bottle?
Thank you.
- You must have crazy sex.
- I hope Tom knows how lucky he
is.
- He does.
- I'm gonna take a penis shot.
Chloe, do you want to pour me?
- [Chloe] Gladly.
- [Natalie] Okay, great.
- Now let's go around and
discuss our goals for the week.
Who wants to go first?
Kelly.
Share with me.
- [Olivia] Before you guys open
them,
I just wanna say how much I love
you guys.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, shit.
Sorry, one sec.
What?
- [Michael] What does it
mean when she's crying?
- [Morgan] I don't know,
it could mean anything.
She could be hungry or gassy or
tired.
When was the last time you fed
her?
- [Michael] When you fed her?
- I'm sorry, one sec.
Go on without me.
- Oh no, no, no, no.
We're gonna wait.
We'll wait.
Let's wait.
- She needs some help.
- Well, I offered to help and
nanny,
but only if I could take
Zoe on my deliveries.
- No, I mean she needs to stop
letting her emotions control
her.
- Gwen, she just had a baby.
Don't shame her for having
out of control hormones,
or a stupid husband.
- Well that's absolutely no
excuse.
When I am pregnant,
I will stay balanced with
kundalini,
through my pregnancy
and through motherhood.
- Well, everyone's body
is different, Gwen.
- [Gwen] True.
But if you take care of your
body, it'll take care of you.
- Yeah, or it'll totally betray
you
and make you feel like a
hollow shell of a human
who can't do anything right.
Right?
I'm pregnant.
I was.
I was pregnant, I'm not pregnant
anymore.
I was nine weeks along
and I had my checkup,
and I had my mom on FaceTime.
Pete took off work to meet me
there.
And I could just tell on the
doctor's face
that there was no heartbeat.
- [Chloe] Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know you guys were
trying.
- No, we didn't tell anyone.
But we have been trying for two
years,
ever since the wedding.
I never found my thing
like all of you guys.
You all have these things
that you're good at
and you've made these life
choices.
I'm just stuck in the middle of
nowhere.
And I thought maybe being a mom
would give me something to be
great at,
but apparently I can't even do
that right.
I know it's stupid.
But I was six weeks along and
picking out fucking baby names
and ordering diapers from Target
and now it's just all bullshit.
Jesus, I mean, what if there's
something wrong with me?
- [All] No.
- Lots of women have
miscarriages early on.
My mom had three.
- My friend had two.
- [Chloe] When did you find out?
- Yesterday.
- [All] What?
- [Olivia] How are you here?
- No, I wanted to see you guys,
I wanted to see you guys.
It's still inside me.
I have to take a pill to
make it come out or whatever.
But I'm gonna do that tomorrow,
so-
- [Chloe] Shit.
- Well, we are here for
you if you need anything.
- Absolutely girl, anything.
I mean, I leave on Tuesday
but until then, anything.
- Thanks.
Somebody refill my fucking
drink, please.
- [Kelly] Oh yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes.
- [Morgan] All right.
Baby's fed, husband's a moron.
Let's do these gift bags.
Mama needs some free shit.
- Oh yeah.
- Oh.
- [Chloe] What?
- Oh no, no.
No, no, no, stop.
Stop, stop, stop it.
Stop it, stop it.
(girls screaming)
Nobody.
Nobody, gimme that.
You, give me that.
- [Chloe] What is happening?
- I forgot the aroma therapy.
I'll be right back.
- [Chloe] I don't know what just
happened.
- That girl needs to smoke some
weed.
(upbeat music)
- I find that organizing
my thoughts in this format
really helps me process
and work through a difficult
situation.
- I can tell that really works
for you.
- It does.
- Does it?
- It does.
- Does it?
- Okay.
Let's just address the elephant,
shall we?
You obviously think
that there is some unresolved
animosity between us.
But on my part,
I am an open vessel of
forgiveness.
- I didn't do anything
to need forgiveness.
- Even so, I forgive you.
- Well, I don't need
forgiveness.
- Well, I don't need you to need
it
for me to give it.
- Great, thanks.
- Okay, back to Natalie.
Reasons why her body did
what it needed to do.
- Fun.
I'm in.
- Look, guys.
Seriously, I'm fine.
- No, no, no, no.
You're not.
Let's do this.
Okay.
10 reasons why Natalie should
not want
to be a mom right now.
Okay?
I'll start.
Number one.
Maternity clothes suck.
- Two.
Stretch marks.
- [Natalie] I already have
those.
- Three.
You're stuck in the house.
- I never go out anyway.
- I got one.
Four.
Too much pressure to think of a
kid's name
other kids won't make fun of.
- They get made fun of
regardless.
- Five.
It costs $100,000 a year to
raise a child.
- Shit.
Is that true?
- Maybe a little less
if your nanny's illegal.
- Six.
You would have to join one
of those annoying mom groups
that makes you exercise
with your strollers.
- Yeah, I don't have
an upside for that one.
- Seven.
You will never pee alone again.
- I do have bathroom privacy
issues.
- Eight.
Our world's in the shitter.
Who wants to bring a kid
into this fucking mess?
- Okay.
I know that we're trying to
cheer Nat up.
But hey, just for balance,
let's talk about reasons to be a
mom.
- [Kelly] Great idea.
- Natalie, you do not
wanna be a mom right now.
Really.
Don't get me wrong, I love Zoe-
- Yeah, I know, I know.
It changes everything.
- Right.
But, in good ways too.
So let's talk about those.
We decided to do that, right?
- [Kelly] Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I haven't slept through
the night in months,
my tits are gonna look
like deflated balloons
and my house smells like
Febreze and dirty diapers.
- Add them to the list.
- And I just sprung a leak.
- Okay, okay.
But come on.
When she looks at you, Morgan.
With that little face.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
- That just makes it all worth
it, right?
- Sure.
I've never had that thing in me
that's like, "I need
to be a mom," you know?
I just see everyone else
oohing and aahing over babies
and I just join in out of
obligation.
- Maybe that's what
everyone else is doing too.
- Jesus.
I never thought about that.
Is everyone pretending
like we like babies?
- No.
Stop it.
I love babies.
How can you not love babies?
- I love babies.
And you know what?
Motherhood is a precious
gift you fucking assholes.
Shit.
My flatbread.
- Something I said?
- Shit.
Shit.
I can't do this.
Oh, I cannot be somebody's mom.
I should not be somebody's
mother.
I don't want stretch marks,
and deflated boobs,
and pukey clothes.
Oh.
Damn it, Liv.
You better pull it together.
You still have a party to host.
And a crudite platter to
arrange.
- Something smells yummy in
here.
Oh.
Oh, hey, come on.
We can still eat this.
See?
Crispy.
(Kelly mumbling)
(Olivia sobbing)
- I'm glad you like it.
You think the others are gonna
like it?
- Love it, they're gonna love
it.
- It looks bad.
- No, it looks great.
(Olivia sobbing)
- Whatever you do, don't
say it tastes burnt.
She's really upset about the
bread.
I mean, it is disgusting, but
...
So enjoy this perfectly
cooked, charred bread.
- Thank you.
- Yum.
- Mm.
- I'm vegan.
- It's so, so, so good.
Really good.
Do you wanna do a shot?
- [Natalie] Yeah.
- Okay, good.
- Interesting choice, Liv.
Seems so not like something
you'd have at a party.
- Well, I ordered it.
I was gonna get a stripper, but
that seemed a little trashy.
- Do you guys remember that cop
stripper
from a few years ago?
- Wait, did you know that
that was seven years ago?
- [Olivia] Jesus.
Really?
- [Morgan] Yeah.
- It seems like a lifetime ago.
- It was.
- He was fucking hot.
- Taylor.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
- He was sweet.
- Did you guys date for like
two months or something?
- Two years.
- What?
- What are you ... What?
- Yeah
- [Morgan] No way.
- [Olivia] Are you serious?
- What?
- [Olivia] Paige dated that
stripper for two years.
- I knew that, I thought
everybody knew.
Nat, you knew that, didn't you?
- What stripper?
- We still text.
I send him the occasional bikini
selfie.
- Sure you do.
- Well, does he still strip?
Get him over here.
- Oh no, he's happily married.
- [Morgan] Oh.
- He lives in Ohio and
manages a Crate & Candle Barn.
- Oh, just imagine.
You could be Mrs. Crate & Candle
Barn.
- Imagine.
Me, coordinating table
runners and place settings
as the highlight of my life.
- No.
- No offense.
- So why did you guys break up?
- He wouldn't go to church with
me,
and he was obsessed with me
swallowing.
- Swallowing?
- Swallowing.
Every time I gave him a blowjob,
he insisted that I swallow.
Said he couldn't come if he
knew I was gonna spit it out.
Like I was disrespecting his
jizz.
(girls laugh)
- Guys, I've never swallowed.
- What?
- Lucky you.
- No, I mean, I don't seek
it out, but come on, never?
- No, no way.
Why would I do that?
It is so easy to just,
just,
as it's coming right at you.
They don't know the difference.
- Well, they know.
- No, no, no, no.
I am 100% with Chloe on this,
because what's the point?
They've already had the
orgasm, my job is done.
- Exactly.
How about when they try
to talk to you during?
They're all, " Do you like that,
baby?
Yeah, do you like sucking my
cock?"
(girls laugh)
- Oh, it's the worst.
- It's the worst.
- Like when you go to the
dentist, you're just like,
(Paige gagging)
(girls laughing)
- Oh gosh.
And the more you act like you're
into it,
so that they'll come faster,
they take longer because
they actually think
you're getting turned on.
- Oh.
Stuck between a cock and a hard
place.
(girls laugh)
- I guess when it means a lot to
a guy,
I don't mind swallowing.
I'm sure I've swallowed worse.
- Worse?
Oh, what could you be
swallowing that would be worse?
- Okay wait, lemme get this
straight.
So what about when he goes down
on you?
I mean, there's some
involuntary swallowing
that goes on there.
- Come on.
It's a tiny bit of vag juice.
There's no comparison.
- How do you know it's
a tiny bit of vag juice?
Have you ever gone down on
someone?
- I have.
Very little swallowing.
- [All] What?
- I'm sorry, repeat.
- [Morgan] When?
- Guys, junior year of college.
- Oh, was it the girl
with the mermaid tattoo
in your art class?
- Oh, she was so beautiful.
I would've gone down on her.
She always smelled like vanilla
cupcakes.
- Okay, no.
Her name was Hailey.
I was going through a bad
breakup.
We started drinking and before I
knew it,
our clothes were off and
we were going for it.
- [Kelly] Oh my God.
- Did you like it?
- Everything but the actual
thing.
I remember being down
there and being like,
"Nope, this is not for me.
I'm definitely not a lesbian."
But I mean, I finished the job.
What else was I gonna do?
Be like,
"Oh, sorry.
This is gross.
I'm out."
No.
- Um, yeah.
- No.
Point is,
you should see your doctor
if Michael is swallowing a
mouthful of vagina juice.
- Oh thanks, doll, thank you.
- Yeah, you got it.
- I haven't given Tom a blowjob
since we've been married.
- Man.
I've heard that happens.
- Yeah I mean, it's tough
to find the same guy sexy
for that long.
Like with Michael,
he clips his fucking gross ass
toenails.
And they're flying everywhere,
and then he just leaves them.
And it's like, "Oh yeah, put
your in my mouth right now."
But it's like, you know, you do
it.
- Yeah, yeah.
See, we're not quite there yet,
but I can definitely see it
coming.
I mean, the only time Nick
even tries to touch me
is when he wants to fuck.
I'm like, "Hello?"
- I fucking hate Michael.
(girls laugh)
- Have you thought about
therapy?
- For what?
- Because you hate Michael.
- Oh no, no, no, no.
That's just married people talk.
- Gwen, why don't you go do a
penis shot
and some ass over head pose.
Maybe it'll inspire you to suck
Tom off
when you get home tonight.
(girls laugh)
- Well, I'm sure he's getting
sucked off
by someone right now.
Oh.
Friends, sisters.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
We have the perfect marriage.
I put some kale juice in the
fridge.
I'm just gonna grab it.
- I actually don't want kale
juice.
(upbeat music)
- Oh.
(Gwen burps)
Who wants kale juice?
- I gotta pee.
- Some light reading?
- What?
- The book.
- Oh yeah.
I'm just highlighting some
parts for my mom to read.
- Oh, that's sweet.
I love that idea.
Is it for like a book club or
something?
- No, no.
This is a book about being
raised by a narcissistic mother,
and I'm highlighting the parts
that particularly pertain to
her.
- Hmm.
Oh well, that's helpful, I
guess.
- Oh.
I could never.
That would actually
break my mother's heart.
- I know.
I'll probably regret it,
but it's part of my healing
process or something.
- Only you can heal you.
Your anger hurts you,
not the person you're angry at.
- Gwen.
Shut the fuck up.
Did that hurt you?
- Of course not.
- I know my mom shaped
my view of the world,
but I don't think she did it on
purpose.
- Until last year,
I had never eaten a vegetable
that wasn't from a can.
- Ew.
- What?
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
That's how my mom made them.
Honestly, I didn't know
that Brussels sprouts
weren't supposed to be mushy
with a slight metal taste.
- So you've never had corn on
the cob?
- Can.
- Tomatoes?
- Can.
- Oh my God, Kel.
I remember your dorm room closet
being stocked full of canned
goods.
I just always assumed
you were some kind of
insane doomsday prepper,
but this makes so much more
sense.
(bouncy music)
- Oh, yes.
Might need more blending.
Oh, fuck.
I can never figure out fucking
contouring.
(Paige gasps)
- [Gwen] Friends.
Sisters.
Hey.
- Yes.
- This is our time to
figure out who we are.
- I know who I am, thanks.
- I thought I did, but-
- It's like, okay.
Think about your high
school boyfriend, right?
At the time you thought he was
everything you ever wanted,
because it's all you knew.
Now, think about being married
to your high school boyfriend
today,
instead of the man of your
dreams,
who promised to treat you like a
princess.
But hey, what are promises
anyway?
- How much has she had to drink?
- I think half a glass.
- [Morgan] My God.
- [Paige] Olivia.
- What?
- [Paige] Get your butt in here.
- Oh, you know what?
Just ignore the tile, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna replace that
next week.
Just close your eyes, close your
eyes.
- I like the tile.
(Morgan laughs)
- What are you gonna do?
- What do you mean?
I'm gonna have it.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Of course.
Thank God abortion will
be illegal again soon.
- Is it really so hard
for everybody to believe
that I could possibly want a
kid?
- No.
Now that you mention it,
I've always thought you
would be a great mom.
- Really?
Thank you.
I actually really needed to hear
that.
- Okay.
I'm lying.
I never pictured you as a mom,
but-
- No, no, no, no.
- ... it doesn't matter.
No, wait. Whatever, right?
- Oh my God.
- Oh fuck, sorry. I'm
not very good at this.
I'm gonna go get Kelly.
Can I get Kelly?
- No, please don't get Kelly.
Please.
God.
I was gonna tell everybody
today.
And now,
after Natalie
and everybody talking about
how miserable motherhood is,
I just ...
Paige you have to promise
you are not going to breathe
a word of this to anyone.
- Oh.
Promise.
(water trickling)
- Oh shoot.
The penis is melting.
I promised I'd put it
in Liz's walk-in freezer
if it started to melt.
- She has a walk-in freezer
in that tiny kitchen?
- No, in her bedroom.
- [Morgan] What?
- Well, it wouldn't fit
anywhere else until she moves.
She has 10 major events this
month.
Freezer space is so essential.
- [Morgan] Sure.
- You promised who?
- Oh, the delivery guy.
He's picking it up at 7:00
for a bachelorette party.
- I'm sorry, what?
Wait.
Someone's gonna be sucking on
what we've been slobbering
on all afternoon?
- They're getting a really good
discount.
- Kelly.
- You guys.
You think we were too hard on
Nat?
- Oh God, I don't know.
Probably.
I don't know why I do that.
I really love being a mom.
Zoe's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
But God, when I start talking,
I sound like one of those women
they make killer mom
documentaries about.
- You know you love being a mom.
I mean, all your Insta
posts are about Zoe.
- Seriously.
- You're probably just still
hormonal from being pregnant.
- Yeah.
- I think it works that way.
- I find that yoga and
meditation
just eliminates my need
for emotional outbursts.
- Oh.
And what do you have to
outburst about exactly?
You married a millionaire
who pays for your every
fucking organic everything
and never makes you give him a
blowjob.
- It sounds so magical when you
say it.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
- Ooh.
Is anybody hot?
I'm really hot.
I didn't eat.
I didn't eat much earlier,
so I'm really feeling a little
...
Oh, woo.
What were we talking about?
- I'm not totally sure.
- So you know, the key
really is self preservation.
You only have a certain amount
of energy,
so you gotta be careful
where you spend it.
You gotta stretch it out.
- [Morgan] Are you okay?
- I meant to do that,
because I bend so I don't break.
- Well, thank you for
that great tip, Gwen.
- This is fun.
- You guys ever look around and
just think
how the hell are we all still
friends?
- All the time.
So many people lose touch after
college.
We are so lucky.
- Yeah.
(phone ringing)
Oh, God damn it.
Am I not allowed one day to
myself, Mike?
When you go and play
poker with your friends,
am I calling you every five
minutes,
"Michael, oh, how do I
get the garage door open?
Michael, how do I wipe my own
fucking ass?
Michael, how do I do this and
that?"
What is it that you need
Michael, really?
Sorry, ladies.
I told you she likes
Cardi B before her nap.
That's what she likes.
I don't,
no, I can't walk you through it-
- Might make a documentary about
her
in a few years.
- She's unstable.
- You're so balanced, Gwen.
Seriously, how do you do it?
- See it's just, the key,
I'm gonna tell you,
you don't tell anybody,
is everything in moderation,
okay?
I'm gonna sip this one glass
for the rest of the day.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I want a burger.
That sounds good.
- Don't you not eat red meat?
- I haven't had red meat in
years, but I want a burger.
Don't tell anybody.
- I won't.
- Don't tell anyone on my blog.
- Oh no, your blog, I love your
blog.
- I know everyone thinks I
have this super glamorous life.
- Because you constantly remind
us.
- I'm really lonely, Liv.
- [Olivia] I know.
- You do?
- Paige, no one brags that much
about how great their life is
if they're actually happy with
it.
- I do keep myself busy with my
traveling
and wearing bikinis.
So many fucking bikinis.
The truth is I don't have
anything real in my life.
I don't live anywhere.
I don't have have that
last phone call to someone
at the end of the day.
This is probably the rose
talking, but I envy you.
No I do.
- Oh, come on.
- I do.
God chose you to be a mama, Liv.
He thought you were perfect
enough to be bonded with someone
for the rest of your life,
so He put this little baby
inside of you,
this little seed.
- Yeah.
Okay, that's so sweet.
This is not exactly how
it happened, though.
'Cause there was a recall
on my birth control
because people were getting
pregnant.
So, it's more likely.
- Still a miracle from God.
- Okay.
Yeah.
When I do tell the group,
let's just not say stuff like
that.
- Why?
- Well, because it makes it
sound like
anybody who can't get pregnant
isn't chosen by God or
something.
- We can't try to interpret
God's plans.
- Well, that's exactly what
you're doing.
- Agree to disagree.
- Okay.
- Oh my God.
When is the wedding?
- What wedding?
- You and Nick.
You're gonna wanna do it
before you start showing.
- Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know if we are getting
married.
- Oh Liv, come on. You're not
gonna let this baby grow up
without a stable home life.
- Are you talking to my stomach?
- There is a baby in there, Liv.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, I'm so happy for
you.
- I know.
(upbeat music)
- Fuck.
(contents clattering)
(Gwen gulping)
Friends, sisters.
I got the essential oils.
Who wants some ylang ylang?
You want some?
Oh Kel, Kel, Kel, Kel.
Kel, Kel.
No, no, no, no, no.
You need to lift with your legs.
Let me help.
I got it.
I'm very, very strong.
- Hey, Liv. We're just gonna
throw this in your walk-in
for a couple of hours.
- Yeah.
No, that's great.
One of the perks of being an
event later,
aside from the coordinated table
runners.
- Oh
Ow.
Ow.
Oh.
- Oh.
Are you okay?
- Oh no.
I think it's broken.
I think it's broken.
No.
Definitely broken.
- Seriously, how much
has she had to drink?
- Just one glass.
- It's a very large penis.
- Don't break it.
- [Gwen] Okay.
- And if you guys each spend
50 bucks today on products,
you get a free sample
of charcoal toothpaste.
- [Chloe] Oh, that stuff freaks
me out.
- And I could really use the
sale.
My parents gave me the
money to invest in this
and I promised them that this
time I would stick with it.
That this time wouldn't be like
the pooper scooper business
or the Herbalife or the Trim
Spa or the kitchen gadgets.
- [Olivia] Oh, well, I
still use my garlic peeler.
- See?
That was a good purchase.
- Yeah, I use my personalized
ice pick all the time.
Speaking of which, when are
they coming to get that penis?
I never got a picture with it.
- Oh, 7:00.
We'll bring it back out before
then.
Just needs a couple of
hours in the deep freeze.
Okay.
This one is called Thriller
and it is for brightening and
tightening.
And this one is called Beat It
and it helps get rid of
toxins and blemishes.
- [Natalie] Is that the
one that you put on me?
That Thriller one?
- I think so.
- [Natalie] Very tingly.
- That means it's working.
With each tingling sensation,
imagine thousands of
toxins and free radicals
being sucked out of your abused
pores.
- I don't really want to imagine
that,
but thank you.
- Yeah.
I'm feeling the tingling
sensation
and it's almost even
moving into like a burning.
- Yeah, me too, me too, me too.
- Yeah, you know what?
I'm actually, I'm with Liv on
that.
It is burning.
Is that normal?
- It's weird.
- Uh-huh, totally
- [Natalie] Okay.
Now I'll just set the
timer for 15 minutes-
- [Natalie] Shit, this is
actually,
really seriously hurting.
Kel, your face is not burning
right now?
- Something is wrong.
- Nope.
Feels refreshing.
- No, no, no, no.
This hurts
I gotta get this off.
- Okay, no.
Okay.
- Kelly, it's not coming off.
Why is this not coming off?
Kelly it's not coming
off, it really hurts.
- Guys, come on. I do
these masques all the time.
This is totally normal.
- Something is happening.
- Just a few more minutes.
(girls exclaim)
- Oh, oh.
Oh that burns.
(girls screaming)
- You don't need to wash your
faces.
Don't wash your faces.
(girls screaming)
- No wait for me, wait for me.
- You guys are being ridiculous.
(girls screaming)
(water splashing)
(Kelly screaming)
- Are you in labor?
Are you in labor?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Give her room people, give her
room.
Woman with child, woman with
child.
Hey Liv, I'm-
- Shut up, Paige.
- Damn, I was just-
- I said, shut up.
I don't wanna hear it.
You promised.
- I can't believe you told
Paige before the rest of us.
- Yeah.
How could you do this to
Natalie?
Today of all days.
- I did not do anything to
Natalie.
You guys, this is exactly
what I was trying to avoid.
If you wanna be pissed off at
somebody,
be pissed at Paige.
- Okay.
- Well, once we all calm down,
I think we can all agree
that this is amazing news,
no matter how or when we found
out.
And that our faces
aren't really that burnt.
- Thanks, Kelly.
I mean, for the first part of
that.
- [Natalie] Yeah, I agree.
I'm really happy for you.
- We're all so happy for you
because nothing ever works
out for perfect Olivia.
Thank God something finally went
your way.
Something which, by the
way, you didn't even want.
- The fuck?
Okay, you need to stop right
now.
- [Gwen] Oh, do I?
- [Olivia] Yeah.
- Do I?
Do I?
You know what?
Hey,
maybe I do.
Maybe I do need to stop.
Stop, what?
Where are we?
Okay, look.
You guys have no idea
what it's like to be me.
- You are absolutely
right about that, Gwen.
No idea what it's like to be so
rich
that I stage impromptu photo
shoots for my bullshit business
that my husband totally pays
for.
You are absolutely right about
that, Gwen.
- "Friends, friends.
Have you had your caviar facial
today?
Oh, don't forget to work out
300 fucking days in a row."
- No, no.
Yoga is not a workout,
it is a work in, okay?
I inspire people.
Have you ever tried to
help people live the path
or follow their passion?
"Hi, I'm Morgan, 'Michael.'
I'm a mom, and that makes
everything I do
so much more important than
anything
that anyone has ever done
in the history of the world.
But I'm still gonna
complain about it anyway."
You know what, guys?
Be the change,
sisters and friends.
You never fail until you see the
darkness
in the stars, okay?
Until you let go of what you are
and I become what I might be.
- I hear you, Gwen.
It must be so hard to wanna
help people all the time.
- Wow.
So now you're turning against me
too.
Okay, I get it.
- No, I'm agreeing with you.
- You know what?
Forget it.
Just forget it, okay?
- Why don't we go inside and
get you something to eat, okay?
- Why?
So you could just talk about my
back?
That you know nothing about.
You know what, you guys?
Just forget it.
- You know what?
I would just like to say
that I know what it's like
to have a passion.
- Yeah, you're not the
only one with vision, Gwen.
- Thank you.
- We're trying to say
that we're on your side.
- I would not go that far.
- You know what?
If anyone should be pissed
about feeling unsupported,
it's me.
Have any of you ever canvased
for me?
Or knocked on people's doors
or volunteered to text?
It's fucking texting, you
assholes.
I've invited you to rallies,
fundraisers.
You will go to Kelly's polygamy
dinner,
but God forbid you waste any of
your time
on something insignificant,
like the future of our fucking
country.
- Which is in great fucking
shape,
by the way.
- Oh, Jesus.
- No, you know what?
Shame on you.
Just because we're friends
doesn't mean I have to run
around town
supporting your liberal
tree-hugging,
snowflake ass-
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- ... political views.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Can we get back to me, okay?
I have an image, okay?
People expect me to live a
certain way and
here I am,
almost a 30 year old woman-
- Okay, no, you are 32
like the rest of us.
- And my husband of less than
three years,
is already out fucking
every blonde pair of tits
he can get his hands on.
Which let me tell you, in
Orange County, is a lot.
And you.
Oh, you think you're the only
one?
You think you're the only one
who didn't wanna get pregnant?
But then did want a
baby, and then you tried,
but you couldn't have one.
So you shoot yourself up with
hormones,
but that doesn't work.
So you get some eggs, but
none of those are good.
So we'll just freeze those.
But hey, at least I can have
fucking sushi whenever I want.
- Gwen-
- No, I don't wanna hear it,
okay?
Especially from you.
And not from any of you
who aren't listening to
a fucking word I've said.
- We're listening.
- I'm standing here listening.
- Hey, what the fuck happened to
my milk?
- I may have drank it all.
- Ew.
- What?
She was just gonna throw it out
anyway.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You okay?
- No, no, no.
- [All] Oh.
Oh.
- It's just a little acid
reflux, friends.
Nothing to worry about.
- [All] Oh.
- I hope no one was looking
forward to an evening swim.
- No, I'll clean it, I clean.
Where's your scooper?
But it's very, it's
actually very cleansing.
Very cleansing for you.
You should try it.
But that's okay 'cause
that was the last of it.
Oh no wait, there's more.
I think might have
drank a little too much.
(upbeat music)
- I'm sorry about Tom.
- Yeah.
He was a total douchebag when I
knew him.
I just never said anything
because-
- Because you thought I
deserved to be with a douchebag.
- What?
No, stop it.
Because I'd never seen you so
happy, Gwen.
I didn't wanna be the one
to ruin whatever it was
you thought you had.
I thought about it.
Trust me.
When I saw how pissed you got
when I said he'd seen
my boobs, I was like,
"Well, shit.
If I tell her he slept with
every dumb whore in SoCal,
I might push her over the edge."
So, I kept my mouth shut.
I wore that ugly bridesmaids
dress,
and I told him at the wedding,
"You keep your dick and your
pants once that ring is on."
- You did?
- Yeah, I did.
- Thank you.
- Maybe you can't get
pregnant because of him.
It could totally be his sperm.
- Yeah, he probably has
a super low sperm count
cause of all the drugs.
Antidepressants.
- And cocaine.
- Ooh, what?
I did not know that.
Shit.
- See?
There you go.
- Probably ruined your
perception of me.
Newsflash.
I'm a mess.
- We know.
- I like you like this better.
It reminds me of college Gwen.
- Yeah, me too.
- Can I tell you guys something?
- [Natalie] Anything.
- Sure.
- I fucking hate yoga.
- What?
- Wait.
Wait.
So the whole 300 days
of yoga was bullshit?
- Oh no.
Oh that's true.
Only because I'm fucking the
instructor.
(Natalie laughs)
- What?
- He's very flexible.
He is.
(Kelly chewing)
- Kelly.
Gum.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
- I'm worried about Gwen.
- Yeah, that spiraled
outta control really fast.
- Thanks.
- Babe, it's for the gum.
- Ooh, great idea.
It was a fresh piece, I
will save it for later.
I'm worried Gwen has a drinking
problem.
- Yeah and an anger management
problem.
And I don't know, probably
a chemical imbalance.
This day has been a disaster.
- No, don't say that.
It's early, we can still turn it
around.
We haven't even done your gift
bags yet.
- Oh, yeah.
The gift bags.
That's actually how I
was gonna tell you guys
about the baby.
I put a little picture of the
sonogram in there and it says,
"Will you beat my godmoms?" on
it.
- My God.
I love that so much.
Can I see the sonogram?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh my God.
So beautiful.
And it's inside of you.
- It's so crazy, right?
- Yeah.
- I know I always said that
I never wanted to be a mom-
- You don't have to
explain anything to me.
- Thank you.
This is gonna have to be
the last time we do this.
Do you ever think that
we've all just grown apart?
- No, it has just been a
weird and an emotional day.
- Yeah.
Or maybe this is the universe's
way of telling us that-
- What?
- Oh my God.
- What?
- I just realized,
I don't think I like my friends
anymore.
Oh no baby.
I still love you.
- Okay.
- This makes me a horrible
person, doesn't it?
- No.
Is this because I burned your
faces?
(both laugh)
- No.
Oh my God.
I mean, that wasn't great, but-
- No, it definitely wasn't.
No.
- No.
Oh.
- [Paige] So you don't
like us anymore, Liv?
- I-
- Honestly, at least
someone finally said it.
What?
Come on, is anyone really
happy to be here right now?
- I am.
- Okay.
It's not,
it has been an emotional
day and that's not,
it's not what I meant.
- What exactly did you mean,
then?
- Yeah, not too many other
meanings for,
"I don't like them."
- You know what?
This probably should
have happened years ago.
- No, no, no, no.
Come on.
- No, Liv.
She's right.
- Oh, now you're on my side?
- Okay guys, this was very
clearly taken out of context,
and that's not what I was trying
to say.
I wasn't talking about any
of you specifically, Morgan.
I'm just saying that
after all of these years,
we have all changed so much,
right?
And I don't know,
maybe we're just hanging on to
something
that lived in a very
special moment in time.
And we should just appreciate
that for what it is
instead of trying to
force some relationship
purely based on our history
together.
I could also be wrong because
now that I'm hearing that,
that sounds so ridiculous.
- Yeah.
- So who is up for some karaoke?
- Woo.
- You know what, Liv?
You're not that easy to
be around either, okay?
You never have been.
But you're my friend,
and so I put up with your
perfectionist, controlling
bullshit.
I pretend to be interested
while you ramble on about
your event locations
and your edible terrariums.
And then I go home and bitch
about you
for two hours to Pete,
because that is friendship.
You hold the rest of the world
to some unattainable standard
and you finally turn the
fucking measuring stick on us.
You finally realize that you
are too good to be our friend.
- I don't think she was saying
that, Nat.
- So you don't like my edible
terrariums?
- Does anyone?
- No.
- No.
- Not-
(mellow music)
(keys clicking)
Yeah I forgot all the things
I wanted to do tonight
Oh yeah
I forgot all the things I
wanted to do with my life
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
Oh yeah oh yeah
- [Kelly] Oh, okay.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Liv.
The guy will be here any
minute to pick it up.
- Well, you're the only
one still talking to me.
So that's the least I can do.
Oh my God.
Can we just leave it here?
- Paige wants a picture
with it by the pool.
- Does she really?
Seriously?
Okay.
Yes.
Fine.
That will be super cute, super
cute.
Okay.
- And then we can watch the
slideshow?
- I don't think anybody wants to
do that.
- What?
We have to have a slideshow.
We always have a slideshow.
It is tradition, Liv.
- I know.
I just don't think it's
appropriate, okay?
Not after everything
that's happened today.
- Come on, please.
- Okay, can we just not
have this conversation
while we're holding a
giant ice penis please.
- [Kelly] Oh yeah, sure.
- [Olivia] Okay.
- [Kelly] Okay
Keep going.
Keep going.
- [Olivia] I'm going.
- [Kelly] Keep going.
- [Olivia] I'm going.
- Keep going.
- [Olivia] Kel.
- Okay, hear
- [Olivia] Okay.
- Be careful.
Careful.
- Okay.
- Careful.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Well, I have an idea.
How about we get a group picture
together
before this thing goes away?
Come on, I'll start.
- Kel, I think maybe we
should just call it a day.
- I need by the bikini picture.
- [Olivia] Come on, Kelly.
- Kelly, will you take it?
- Yeah, sure.
- I can take it.
And that way I can get
one of you and Kelly both.
- Yeah, come on, Paige.
Let's get a picture together.
Come on.
- I want one by myself.
- Come on, Kelly didn't
do anything to you.
Just let me take the picture.
- It's not about doing anything.
I just said no.
- Can you just not be
a child for one second?
Just let me take it.
- Okay, it's my business,
so I'm just saying-
- It's one picture, Paige.
(girls scream)
- [All] Oh.
- No.
- Oh my God.
- We have to get it out.
- Who's we?
I'm not getting in there
- I'll lose my deposit
and my boss will kill me
and I promised I'd have this
ready
for the bachelorette party.
You guys.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No.
- No, don't do it.
(girls scream)
(water splashes)
- Oh my God, that's so
disgusting.
- Oh no.
- No.
- Fuck it.
- No.
(water splashes)
- Okay fuck it, all right I'm
going in.
- You too?
- What?
(water splashes)
(upbeat music)
(girls screaming)
- Oh my God.
- Where is it?
- Gwen, this is your fucking
puke.
Why aren't you in here?
- I'm still a little queezy.
- Jesus.
- All right guys.
I peed in the pool, I'm sorry.
- Oh perfect.
That's perfect, thank you.
- Does anybody wanna take a shit
now
just so we can cover all the
bases?
- You guys got it.
- Lift from under.
Under.
- Yeah, you got it.
- Use your legs.
- Will you quit hogging the end?
- Stop trying to elbow me in the
face.
- Then move your face.
- You move your face.
- Guys, guys, let's focus
so that we can stop
swimming in Gwen's puke.
- Well, you're also swimming
in Morgan's pee, so-
- Okay, thank you, Gwen.
Thank you for pointing that out.
(girls groaning)
- Damn it, Gwen.
You had it.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just stop yelling at me, okay?
You know what?
It's very slippery.
- Okay, okay.
We need something to hold it.
- The face masques.
Stuff sticks to everything.
- Oh fuck.
I can't believe we're doing
this.
(girls groaning)
I can't believe we're doing
this.
- You can't believe we're doing
this?
- Hurry.
- Okay.
My hands are burning, they're
burning.
- Stop it. Let me get a good
grip.
- Damn it do not boss me around,
you're not my mother.
- Well apparently it's my one
fucking job so let me do it.
- Oh, pardon me.
- Okay, fine, fine. No
one's gonna make fun of me?
Hi, I'm Gwen-
- Oh, shut up, Gwen.
- Damn it.
Fucking goddamn stop it, fucking
stop it.
Get over yourselves and help me.
Penis.
Now.
- [All] Okay, okay.
- All right, come on.
One,
two-
(girls scream)
(girls cheer)
(upbeat music)
- I love you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
(upbeat music)
- Oh.
- We saved the penis.
- We saved the penis.
- We did.
(mellow music)
- So-
- So.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are we-
- Done?
- [Olivia] Yeah.
- It's so sad.
I can't.
I don't know how you guys are
holding it together so well.
- I'm actually not that upset.
- I know, me either.
It's the best mood I've
been in in a while.
- You know you guys, we don't
have to do this every year.
- It's actually kind of a
relief.
- Yeah
- No more pretending.
- No more gift bags.
- I love those so much.
(girls laugh)
- Guys, this really fucking
adult of us.
I mean, who just decides to not
be friends
with the people they've been
friends with for 10 years?
- I guess us.
- Yeah.
- Liberating.
- I actually feel this huge
weight
lifted off of my shoulders, you
guys.
I think we were all trying to
hang on
to what brought us together
in the first place.
- Even though we aren't
the same people anymore.
- I am.
- Kel.
Be honest.
If you met me today, would
you wanna be my friend?
- Well, maybe not today.
(girls laugh)
- I wouldn't.
- Me neither.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So-
- Yeah.
I will miss the idea of us.
- Yeah, me too.
- Wait.
Where's everyone going?
- [All] Home.
- No, come on you guys.
We have to watch the slideshow.
We always end by watching the
slideshow.
- Honey, have you been here
for the last five minutes?
- Kelly, no one's in the
mood to watch a slideshow.
- But we always have a
slideshow.
It is tradition.
- I love you.
But Natalie's right.
I mean, come on.
- But it celebrates our
friendship and our memories.
And if you guys aren't those
people
and this is the last time
and we're not gonna do this
anymore,
then let's celebrate what we
had,
because it was something.
It was.
- Here's to the last one.
(mellow music)
- [Olivia] Rose All Day.
- [Natalie] In May-
- [Kelly] So we won't drift
away-
- [Gwen] In Orange County-
- [Chloe] Or have to drive on 12
freeways-
- [Morgan] Even if I
have to drink cranberry-
- [Paige] And that's all there
is to say.
My love for you will always
grow
Even though sometimes
it's hard to show
How much you mean to me I know

You can believe in me forever
more
Forever more
You make yourself stronger
With every kiss
You make yourself stronger
I can't resist no more
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
My thoughtful mind goes out
the door
Each time I hear your
footsteps across my floor
I don't want nobody else
Nobody else
No I don't want nobody else
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
You make yourself stronger
With every kiss
You make yourself stronger
I can't resist no more
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love
It's all love oh oh oh
Love love love