Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic (2007) Movie Script

(# Heavy rock)
(Cheering and applause)
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen, keep your applause
going for the duck head-butting man!
Keep it going for his well-meaning girlfriend
who's slightly frightened of him!
Give it up for her!
Give it up for young Peter,
the son of the big man.
Give it up for him!
Give it up for the man whose identity
Peter tried to steal!
And of course, we couldn't have done it
without him,
he loves to put la-di-dah ducts in
when he's not...running a hydroponics lab
in the outskirts of town,
he's a big man, he's a burly man,
he's a bearded man,
(Wild cheering)
Oh yes!
Any questions?
(Man) Why are ninjas better than pirates?
Why are ninjas better than pirates?
l'll tell you why.
They're more efective. Right?
Because, let's look at the pirate, right?
The ninja can use the ninja throw-star.
Excellent weapon.
What does the pirate have?
(Man) A cannon!
A parrot.
l see what you're saying, a cannon.
But think it through.
He might have a cannon, right?
What do you need to light a cannon?
You need the ability to hold the matchbox
and the match.
What do pirates have? Hooks.
- (Man) He can have a wooden one.
- What?
He can have a wooden hooks?
What, two hooks and rub 'em together?
No. They tried that by cutting their legs off
and having wooden legs.
Then two pirates get together
and rub their legs together, like that,
causing friction and then flames but...
they simply set fire to their testicular region.
''Your balls are on fire.''
The ninja.
He has his eyes. He can see. He's stealthy.
He moves through the night.
(Man calls out)
(Woman) Ninja Turtles!
The Ninja Turtles. Yes, one example of...
types of ninja.
Able to see.
Pirates -
one eye.
No depth perception whatsoever.
The ninja approaches the pirate.
The pirate approaches the ninja.
The ninja knows where the pirate is.
The pirate has no idea,
as he swings randomly with his hook,
his testicles burning.
My friends, ninjas win.
That's all l'm saying on the subject.
- Any other questions?
- Why do you like monkeys?
Why do l like monkeys?
Because they...
They're like babies but better.
That's why l like them.
You know? Because you have a tiny baby,
you hold it in your arms.
Right? lt's a little, human-shaped thing
that essentially just does poo
and goes ''Eeergh''.
A monkey - exactly the same size...
can ride a tiny bike.
And if it does do a poo,
it can throw it at you!
And children can't.
- (Man) What bike have you got?
- What?
What bike have you got?
What bike am l on or what bike have l got?
l've got a selection of bikes,
because l am something of a vol-au-vent
when it comes to that...
Yes, l have a selection of bikes,
l have a whle garage full of them
but the bike that l'm on at the moment
is the BMW GS Adventure.
- Are you an old man?
- What?
Am l an old man?
Mm. Here's a thing,
cos people have said that to me befoe.
People have said, ''Oh, you pussy,
riding around on a GS Adventure.
''You must be an old man.''
Here's a thing - why not try doing 85 gigs
in four months, right round Australia
including the top end,
covering, l don't know, 30,000 miles.
Why not try doing that on an R1?
- lt's not gonna happen!
- (Laughter)
You might look fancy, for about ten miles
and then you go, ''Oh, l can't feel my arse!''
You say it's an old man's bike but when
you're riding through Nortthern Territory
you want something that's gonna do the job.
You want to be able to have a lovely
fresh arse at the end of the day.
You don't want to be staggering into
your motel
like George Michael after a big night out.
- Do you know what l'm saying?
- (Laughter and applause)
lt's the perfect bike for the job. You know.
lf l'm hoonin' me way around the mountains,
l'll take a sports bike,
but for the job, l'll stick with my bike.
What bike do you ride, out of interest?
Honda CB-1 .
Mm, yes. And l'm the old man.
OK. You do realise that you could probably
buy 20 of our bikes for the bike that l'm on?
Just if we're gonna get into
a pissing competition.
So that we're..
- Fuckin' cheeky bastard.
- (Man shouts out)
- What?
- When are you coming back to Canberra?
l haven't even left yet!
See what l mean about the friendliness?
When are you coming back?
Well, l've got another gig tomorrow but it's
sold out. l'll be back next year, probably.
Would that suit you?
- (Applause and cheering)
- Aw.
God bless you.
You know what?
l love Canberra.
l mean, obviously, you know, it's dull as shit.
- But erm...
- (Applause)
You know, outside of that,
you're a fantastic bunch of people
and l look forward to my next gig here,
not so much seeing you again
but seeing how you've all changed.
- Just...
- (Laughter)
Just in a year's time, the wolf there,
he'll no longer be a cub, will he?
He'll be the leader of the pack.
You know. She'll have seen
the error of her ways and...
She'll have a new boyfriend, no doubt.
One that doesn't need to wee
every five minutes.
You know?
Peter, he'll be in prison.
You know.
Not for the fact that he's running
a hydrponics lab.
He'll have just whacked people in the face
with his cock one too many times.
But that's fine cos sitting in his seat
will be his son
who will be a big burly man,
and will have grown his beard extra long
and l'll say ''How's your dad?''
and he'll go, ''He's fine.
''l'm running the la-di-dah ducting business.''
And l shall salute you.
And you might not be riding a shit bike.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure
talking to you. Take care, good night!
(# Heavy rock)
(# Heavy rock)
Welcome back! Welcome back
to the second half of the show!
(Cackles) That was brilliant.
You were all clapping, and l looked down
and the fella with the wolf -
sorry, Randy Pan.
But the whole...
Look at him - ''l have a name!
''l'm not just The Wolf'.
Yeah but Peter's become The Bearded Man,
so, you know.
But he did a brilliant thing there.
You were all clapping - yay! - like that,
and he'd reached around
and was making Randy Pan clap.
But because you're wearing black
and you had your hand behind him
l couldn't see your arms there,
and l went, Ahh!
The wolf was genuinely clapping -
''This is brilliant''
He's only clapping because he's going,
''l was on the stage, which means
l am owed a performance fee.''
Yeah, and people throughout the land'll be
going ''Brilliant - go and see Ross.
''Well, don't see Ross,
go and see the shitty wolf.
''And he might
make an appearance as well''.
So, anyway, welcome to...
Was it a good interval, all in all?
Yes. You haven't got him so you can
pretend you're a blind lad, have you?
That's not the plan? lt's what?
lt isn't... lt's not a good idea at all.
Cos how many blind people have a
dodgy-looking wolf with them
- that wears clothes?
- (Woman) They're blind! They don't know!
What? They're blind, they don't know.
l walked into that one, didn't l?
As the blind fella would
if he had that as his guide dog.
''That blind man just walked into something.''
''l'm not surprised, he clearly has some kind
of cheaply-made Chinese acrylic toy on...
''on the end of a bit of wire as he wanders
around the place with a...''
Do they have...?
Yeah, they do - l couldn't work out,
cos l had the guide dog there
and the stick, as well. They do, don't they?
- Do they have the dog and the stick?
- (Man) Yes.
- (2nd man) No.
- Yes! No!
Yes! Yeah! (Grunting)
''l think they do.''
''l don't think they do.''
What a controversial response that was.
''Yes!'' ''No!'' ''Possibly!''
''They're blind, they don't know!
''They just have
whatever gets put in their hand.''
Walking along with a clothes prop in their...
or a mic stand, like this.
They, um... Do they? l'm not sure...
Yes, l'm sure they have a dog.
And... This is all the show is gonna be
unless we clear this up.
Obviously the stick has to be the right length
cos you don't wanna be, like...
pavement, whack the dog.
pavement, whack know.
Essentially walking along
smacking a dog with a stick.
- (Woman) Peter!
- What? ''Peter''?
No, it's the blind stick,
it's not him and his massive...
Oh, dear.
A blind man with his bits. (Thudding)
Dog's going like that,
''Oh, God, l'm gonna bite that in a minute''.
(Chuckles) Eh?
Give a dog a bone.
No, no! Don't...
You've let me down,
you've let yourselves down.
That was unnecessary smut
and l do apologise.
But it was there. l thought,
oh, there's the net, there we go. lt's in.
lt's in. The... That's football, by the way.
You lot are going,
what's that freaky game he's playing?
He should pick it up and then kick it
and then fight with somebody and...
Unh! Uh!
All that business.
That'd be quite good cos the blind man
could just join the end of a pipe band
or something.
And just beat the dog in time.
(Whispers) Sorry.
How good is that? Look.
That's my special effect.
Thank you. Ohh...
lt's not easy when you've got a metal spine.
(Chuckles) lt's great, that.
You're quite happy to allow me
to take the piss out of a blind man
but l just crossed the line
a little bit too much there.
Don't take the piss out of pipe bands.
The, um... (Whispers) Sorry.
l don't even know
what to look at first down here.
Somebody's left a mug on the stage here.
l don't know whether or not that's a gift
for me or whether one of the, er...
lazy slack-arse crew
has wandered through and just gone...
''Oh, l'll just leave that there''.
- That's...
- (Man) What's it say?
What's it say? l'll have a look, shall l?
Ooh, are you Grissom from CSl?
The, um...
''What's it say, Ross?
Have a look, there might be a clue.''
lt says ''Gimmicky Gifts, Australia.
Made in lndonesia.''
Telephone number 02 9554 60 80.
That's not much of a novelty -
oh, it's on the side!
l'm a fool to myself. ''Hard work
has made me what l am today - fucked''.
Are you kidding me?
You've just laughed
at the side of a jokey mug.
lf l'd known that l would've just
brought out a hundred mugs.
Just picked them up
and read the thing like that.
''You don't have to be mad to work here
but it helps.''
He's a genius.
You're making me feel
slightly less special now.
Thank you very much. lt's not often
somebody goes to the effort of, er...
you know, thinks, ''Noble's here,
how can we make him feel welcome?
''Should we applaud, should we cheer?''
No, let's give him the gift of crockery.
Either that or somebody's come along
thinking that this is an episode
of Bogun Antiques Roadshow.
(# Vocalises theme to Antiques Roadshow)
(Australian accent) How much
do you reckon that is?
How much?
How fucking much will l get for that?
That's a fucking beauty, that is. Fuckin'...
(Posh accent) Well, yes,
l'll just have a look for you.
As you can see this is inscripted on the side
''Hard work has made me what l am today'',
and normally it's slightly worn
but l believe the original makers had the
word ''fucked'' just underneath there,
denoting that it was a novelty gift.
Now, if l'm not mistaken
this was made in lndonesia, and, um...
if we just have a look on the bottom here
you should see -
yes, it's made in lndonesia,
by a company called Gimmicky Gifts.
And if l'm not mistaken
that company's phone number was 029...
(Australian accent) Oh, you're fucking
ripper, you fucking beauty.
(Posh accent)
That's worth about four dollars.
(Australian accent) Oh, get fucked!
(Posh accent) Hm. Lovely.
l love it. You know what a bogun
shouted at me the other day?
And they love to, out of Utes, l've noticed.
Do you think when boguns
are buying their Utes they say, er,
they're having a look
at what they're gonna get -
four-wheel drive and all the features,
and they go,
(Australian accent) You mind
if l try the fuckin' window?
Get fucked!
Yeah, it's a fuckin' beauty, eh?
l'll fuckin' have that.
This fella...
l'm quite enjoying doing a gig
holding a mug.
l wish that had a bit of hot tea in it now.
The... And myself and Sir Peter Ustinov...
You know what's good about mugs, right?
You can, er... Obviously you can drink out of
them, that's quite a good thing about mugs.
''Thanks, Ross, for that bit of advice.
''Oh, how does he do it?''
The... (Chuckles)
No, what's quite good is -
you might not realise -
if you hold a mug close enough to your face
you can, er...
accurately impersonate Ronan Keating.
l'll show you. Look.
(# Distorted singing)
The, um...
This is great, this,
the start of the second half -
just me doing admin.
lt's, like, slightly scary
when there's an actual...
somebody's written me a note
on a picture of my own face.
Just put that down there, like that. There.
You will tell me if you see Tiny Ross
creeping up on me?
No, this...
Somebody's written on here...
For God's sake,
are you bloody stalking me?
Somebody asked me this the other night.
''Ross, what's better, pirates or ninjas?''
(Audience shouting out)
(Man) Ninjas!
l can't help feeling l'm not required here.
l've got a feeling we could just
turn the lights on
and you would have quite happily
just shouted at each other.
lt's ninjas, every time.
There's, er, obviously, you know...
(Man) lt's not, it's Prokofiev!
l love the fact you pronounced it
(Australian accent) Oi, mate! Pro-coffee off!
Oh, no, that's right -
the bogun, he shouts at me...
..out of the Ute, right.
This is brilliant. l've no idea what it means -
oh, and l haven't forgotten about
the most dangerous thing about riding
around Australia, either.
That's all in there! l know some of you
are going ''He's forgotten about that.
''He got waylaid with the wolf and all that,
and the (Thud) and the boom! ah!
And the ''l'm not me, it's him,
he's me and l'm...''
- lt's what?
- (Man) The Ute.
- Tell us about the Ute!
- l'll get to the Ute!
Jesus! l was reminding you of
the other things. ''Tell us about the Ute!''
Blimey, that's some sort of...
Are you some kind of young bogun
and you think l'm some kind of cult leader?
''Tell us about the Ute!
''Tell us...please.''
Are you?
Are you actually getting aroused by that?
That to you is the most erotic thing ever.
''Tell me about the Ute!
''Describe its capacity for...
''Describe its capacity
for carrying things on the back.
''Ohh... ls it four-wheel drive
or two-wheel drive?
''Does it have driving lights?
''ls there a slightly sad looking dog
tied to the back of it?
''Tell me about the Ute!''
The, um...
l love that, when you see somebody
driving a Ute and there's a dog in the back
and it doesn't know
when the corners are coming.
Slightly more entertaining
than Dancing With The Stars, l think.
You know? lt's exactly the same thing.
l feel like dressing up a dog in
a little ballroom dancing outfit and then...
And then putting it on as a show.
No, this fella, and he shouts at me,
(Australian accent) ''Oi!''
l went ''What?''
And he went,
''Your mum's your dad!''
What the hell does that mean?
''Your mum's your dad.''
And then he nodded, as if to go ''Yeah.
''Mm-hm. Oh, yeah.
''l speak only in truths.''
He was like some kind of bogun Confucius.
''Tell us.
''Tell us, oh, great wise one.''
''Ah, yeah, your mum's your dad!''
Yeah... Wow.
And so the prophecy hath been told.
The, um... And lo, The Lord did say,
''Your mum is your dad.''
Wise words. That is in the Bible.
Look at you, ''No, it's not.
''That's clearly bollocks.''
Yes. And so is the rest of the Bible,
so there's no difference.
- (Cheering and applause)
- So... Thank you. Yes.
Hello, one rogue religious person going,
''Ah,, come on.''
No. lt's nonsense.
Right, anyway.
Are we all right here? Have l...?
No, if there's one thing
that shits me up the... Oh!
lf there's - cos l'm a very relaxed man.
l'm the most chilled-out bloke
you'll ever meet
but the one thing that winds me up
is bloody religious people.
Just... lt doesn't matter
what religion you are,
and let me just say, if there are
any people of faith in here this evening,
let me just say,
you're an idiot!
That's all l have to say
on the subject, right?
Just think it through,
that's all l've got to say.
Think it through!
Right? Stop reading old books full of
nonsense and make up your own ideas.
That's the brilliant thing about imagination,
you can just make something up
and live by those rules.
You don't have to listen to that nonsense.
There was a woman, right, in England.
Oh, she... Grr!
Sorry, l should be careful going, grr!
l don't want to set old Randy Pan off
going... (Howls)
You know. And then, of course,
you with your beard
you unlock the inner wolf
and the next thing you know
all of us are rolling around on the floor
with raw meat in our mouths.
l love your beard. lt's fantastic.
lt's a proper man's beard.
You know what you look like?
You look like, er...
What's the best...? (Laughs)
That's great. He just went...
- ''Don't forget, my business...''
- (Woman) Turn round!
(Wolf-whistles, people shouting out)
- What?!
- (Man) Show us the beard!
Show us the beard.
lt's my picture on the posters.
As if he were... He's happy to talk to me
and be part of the show
but he doesn't want to be paraded around.
Like, ''Look at the freak.
Look at the bearded freak''.
You have a lovely sit-down and don't be...
bowed by peer pressure.
He's not your private beard dancer.
''Come on, show us the beard,
show us the beard.''
lt's a lovely beard, it's like... You're like
Teen Wolf after he's let himself go.
Do you know what l mean?
Like Middle-Aged Wolf, that's you.
With... lt's nice, l like it.
l love the sinister way
you pointed at me though.
''Don't forget, Ross, my la-di-dah conduit
is merely a front.
''My other activities are highly illegal.
''ln fact, this beard isn't even real!''
That was it on elastic there.
Just if you wondered why l went like that.
lt was like you were pulling it out to go
''waay'', and then replacing it.
l'm not suggesting
that the beard is that long.
lt's in a big triangle there.
''Mm-hm, this beard isn't even real.''
Why is he called Randy Pan?
You still haven't explained.
- l don't know.
- You don't know?
Well, at some point... He didn't come...
When the fella that you won him off...
Right? The slightly dodgy carny, right?
When he handed him to you did he say,
''Take care of this slightly dodgy
synthetic firetrap wolf...
''He shall be named Randy Pan.''
There...there must...
- What's your name?
- Daniel.
Right, and so how long
have you had him now? A year?
- Yeah, about that.
- About that. Roughly.
Give or take. lt's not important,
l'm just, you know...
l'm not gonna ask you
to present documents.
Excuse me but it appears you've had this
wolf for only 1 1 months - you told me a year.
You're clearly in contravention of
the Canberra Synthetic Wolf Act.
lt is illegal for any man
who is not technically blind to own...
Surely it's ''medically blind'',
not ''technically blind''?
''Are you technically blind?''
''Well, if l do this technically l'm blind
but, you know...
''strictly speaking...''
Simply having a fringe
that comes down too far -
technically, l'm blind.
Medically, l'm not.
''l'm sorry, l can't cut your hair today,
you're technically blind.''
''Please, please, cut my hair.''
''No, because it wouldn't be a haircut,
it would be a medical procedure.''
''Oh. That's...that's interesting,
what you've done there.''
The... So, did you win it for your la...
ls this your girlfriend here?
How long you been going out?
Let's not get into some kind of
''1 1 months and 27 days.''
- The... What?
- About six months.
Over six months? Oh, l see.
So you pretty much won that
before she came on the scene?
Ooh, you couldn't have made your timing
worse if you'd tried.
That would have been better if you'd started
going out with her, went to the show...
Boom! Ding!
''Oh, you're such a strong man,
''here, have this dodgy synthetic wolf.''
That would've been a lovely romantic scene.
lnstead, she meets you,
comes back to your house
and the wolf is already there.
With a mysterious name
that nobody knows where it came from.
''What's that slightly dodgy looking wolf
in the corner?''
''Would you like him?''
''l'm not sure this relationship's working.
''Get a taxi, quickly!''
So you weren't with him
when the show happened?
- No.
- No. No.
Has he won you anything since?
(Woman) l got a monkey from Singapore.
You got a monkey from Singapore?
Jesus Christ!
That's... You're my kind of lady.
The, er... That's brilliant.
From him or just...?
Like... Or in the post?
''What the hell's this package?''
(lmitates monkey)
Little arms coming out the side.
(lmitates monkey)
''Bloody hell, what's this?''
''Oh, l've got a Singaporean monkey.
''lnfected with the deadly SARS virus!''
Yeah, no, monkey pox, that's what
you'd have from a... Wouldn't it?
From a monkey. Did he go to Singapore?
- Yes.
- That's just as well.
Er, did he go for the Singapore Show?
Cos that was just the heat -
he won the wolf and they went,
''Blimey, you're gonna represent Australia...
''in the Carnival Olympics''.
That'd be great, wouldn't it? You and
the rest of the team all going out there
you're the fella that bangs the thing, there's
a bloke that can get rings over Coke bottles.
Another man who's very good
at Hook A Duck.
He's a young farm boy
who practises with real ducks.
Quack! Quack!
There you go!
The, um... The... (Laughs)
l said ''duck'' not ''duct'', before you start.
''l sometimes play Hook A Duct.
''Sometimes, when we've put
la-di-dah conduit in
''and it's just slipped down into the cavity...
What are we gonna do?''
''lt's time to play...Hook A Duct!''
''l've almost got it, l've almost got it!
''Here it comes. Ooh, it's a tricky one.''
l don't know why l'm doing this.
l've got a massive
hydroponic drug outfit at home.
The, um... ''Get it.''
That's a bit scary,
when somebody goes ''Warmer''.
When l say hydroponic drug outfit
l mean a big outfit...
l don't mean you've got an outfit.
That's a dead giveaway, that, isn't it?
Turning up to a local function
with a huge heat lamp above your head.
Like a hat, with a heat lamp
coming off it like that.
And then just all marijuana plants
down your arms
just all down there
then just walking in like that.
''Do you like my hydroponic outfit?''
l tell you what, you could cultivate seeds
in my pants with the heat l'm generating.
Oh, blimey.
Think l'm growing cress in there
at the moment.
Don't you dare.
The, um... Right, so how
did he become known as...?
l haven't forgotten about the Christian.
Or the dangerous thing that...
about riding a motorbike. He's like,
''l don't know what's going on now.
''l'm utterly confused.''
So, why Randy Pan?
Well, there's a Bill Hicks, um, skit
about Randy Pan the goat boy
Oh, the Bill Hicks thing,
Randy Pan the goat boy.
ls that what he was called, Randy Pan?
And he does all that...
(Deep grumbling)
You could've told me that an hour ago.
But no.
Oh, l see. So you've called the wolf
after a popular Bill Hicks routine.
(Clicks tongue) Very good.
l like the way you're operating.
Then you've brought him along to this show
and he's become part of a comedy show
and hopefully, in the future, because
l've got a camera at the back there,
that might get shown somewhere else and
somebody might name their dodgy animal
after something in this sh... Peter.
And so it goes on.
Through time, repeating again and again.
Like the circle of life...
involving dodgy acrylic scary toys
won from carnival people.
lt's probably a bit unlikely but, you know...
You never know.
So is him having a legitimate business.
What can l say?
Anyway, what was l on about?
Oh, yeah! That's right! l was telling you
about the dangerous thing...
One woman on her own, ''Ha ha ha!''
Or were you just remembering
that Bill Hicks routine? ''Ha ha ha!
''lt was very funny that...'' Yeah.
No, the, um...
l was telling you about
the most dangerous thing
about travelling around this country, right,
and l love it, l'm having the time of my life,
it's amazing, right?
- l went to Broken Hill and, er...
- (Woman laughing)
That's not the funny bit!
''Ha ha ha! The dickhead went to Broken...''
No, l did, l went to Broken Hill.
l was very excited
cos that's where they did Mad Max ll.
And they've got the car from Mad Max,
and you can go there -
and l know it's childish
but you can pretend to be Mel Gibson!
lt's brilliant. That basically involves
staggering around the car, pissed.
Just occasionally shouting
anti-Semitic comments, you know.
''Uhh...l don't like Jews!''
The, er... Ohh!
''He might be a bigoted twat
but he's our bigoted twat!''
No, the most dangerous thing
which l've discovered is the bloody emus!
And l love your wildlife - kangaroos,
one of the greatest creatures ever
on the face of the planet.
They're magnificent, kangaroos.
Except that they don't give you any warning
that they're gonna jump in front of you.
They stand there like this, looking at you
a hundred miles away down a straight road,
going ''Oh, yeah?
''Wonder what that is
coming down the road.
''Think it's a motorbike.
''Oh, he's about 50 miles away now.''
And they just get closer
and closer and closer.
100 metres. 50 metres.
20 metres. 10 metres.
A metre.
Get out of the road, you mad bastard!
''What? What? What have l done?!''
But the emu, they just...!
lt's like it's just... lt's like it's five animals
going in different directions.
Their heads are going that way
and their legs are going that...
All, like, it''s like there's six or seven
smaller animals inside operating it.
What the hell's it gonna do?
They're unpredictable.
lf there is a God - and there probably isn't -
but, you know...
whoever designed the emu,
l mean, what were they thinking?
They just went ''Here's an idea,
let's have a creature
''that's essentially just a bush with a face.''
What could possibly go wrong there?
''Let's have a bush with a face and let's have
them live in amongst hundreds of bushes!''
You're riding down the motorway like that -
(Mimics engine)
Just like that, 150... 1 10, 1 10.
lt's 1 10...on the motorways
The... (Mimics engine)
Then all of a sudden,
one of the bushes goes...
Six-foot feather duster
with suicidal tendencies!
''Come on!''
And there's no way of predicting
where it's gonna go.
l had two of them running towards me
down the road, like that.
And l saw them. (Mimics engine)
And l thought ''Oh, God, here we go.''
You know when you're in a corridor
and you go to pass somebody like that,
and they go the same way,
so you go the other way,
and then they go that way and then you go
that way, and you go ''Ooo-whey!''
And then you go ''Ohh!'' and then walk off.
That's what emus are
genetically programmed to do.
lt's a bloody nightmare!
You're riding along...and you think
''Do l go that way, do l go that way?''
They're going
''Come on then, what's happening?
''What's bloody happening?
And you're going ''Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!''
This one was running towards me
and l thought ''Do l slam on me brakes,
do l go past it, do l go that way, this way?''
lt was getting closer and closer
and his mate come out from the side
and the two of them were in front of me
and l thought ''Shit, what do l do?''
You know what l did? You know what
my head decided was the best thing to do?
l raised my leg like this.
Ready to Jackie Chan it!
ln the face!
What the hell was l thinking?
Going at that speed, the bloody emu's
going the other way.
l go ''Oh, yeah. Emu over there,
watch and learn.''
Whaaa! Boomph!
(High-pitched groan)
Just kung-fuing emus off the road.
Don't you mess with me.
Standin' on me seat. ''Ooooh!''
Bloody nightmare. What's gonna happen?
l would have just gone...
lt would have ripped my leg off.
And l would have continued
driving down the road
just bleeding from the stump.
Whilst an emu with a leg in its mouth goes...
''What's that dickhead doing?
''Do you want a bit of leg?''
lt's a ridiculous scary carry-on, you know?
But l like the way they let the farmers use
the sides of the road as their stock routes.
''Here, let's get every animal
we possibly can...
''put 'em in the road.''
What could possibly go wrong there?
Emus flying out right, left and centre
and bloody goats standing there like that.
What they should do,
cos the police, they say
''Oh, shall we have speed cameras?''
All they should do,
stand at the side of the road with an emu,
anyone's going a bit fast,
''Have some of that!''
lt would work on two levels, cos you know
how they say we need to do more exercise?
Three times a week you need
to raise your heart rate for 30 minutes.
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom!
Oh, brilliant.
l'm not gonna die of a heart attack.
Problem solved.
Anyway, what was l on about
before l started ranting?
- What?
- (Man) Christian lady!
Christian lady!
Thank you very much over there.
An angry Satanist joining in.
''Christian lady!''
There's a special offer for Pagans tonight.
They... No, what it is...
Don't get me wrong. Seriously, if there are
people in here that are, you know, of faith,
you might be there going ''You better not
take the piss out of Christians.''
Come on!
l'll tell you the ones
that shit me the worst.
Bloody Jehovah's Witnesses, right?
You're supposed to be respectful to people
who believe in God,
because there's some sort of rule,
''Oh, you can't take the piss out of them.''
l think ''No! lt's just rude!''
Because they're religious you're supposed
to not say ''Oh, hello. Jehovah's Witness?
''Fuck off.'' Right?
But l think, just switch the rules round, right?
How would they like it
if l came to their house, right?
Because for example, right,
l love a game of Monopoly.
Oh, Monopoly! Can't help meself.
lf there's a Monopoly board,
we're playin', right?
How would they like it
if l knocked on the door?
'''Scuse me,
l know you're trying to have your tea,
''but would you be interested in Monopoly?
''l love Monopoly and l play Monopoly...''
''You, get out.''
''Get right out...''
Ooh, that's bloody him, isn't it?
That's Randy Pan's dad.
Oh. And he went thorough that door
and was denied!
Blimey, that was good.
Well done the usher, just went ''Uh-uh''.
''But l'm a blind man!''
''Where's your wolf?''
''Ooh, shit, l forgot it.''
Has he gone for a cheeky wee?
Maybe? Oh.
- lt's what?
- Toilet.
Oh, toilet stop. l see.
So chances are, he's gone for a wee.
Well, it's one of two things, isn't it?
Be a bit scary if l went
''Number ones or number twos?''
and you went ''Number threes.''
You can ask when he gets back.
l can ask him when he gets back?
Oh, don't you worry about that.
l'll be asking him.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Just can't help themself,
off to the toilets for a cheeky fiddle.
No wonder he calls him Randy Pan.
Anyway... Oh, no.
Like l say, l love a bit of Monopoly.
lf l went to their house and said ''Are you
interested in playing Monopoly with me?''
''Would you like to discuss Monopoly?
You could let me into your house,
''and the two of us could get on our knees
and play Monopoly together.
''You could allow the idea of Monopoly
into your life.''
He'd turn round and go
''Piss off! You're mental!''
l then would leave.
l wouldn't persist by going,
''OK, l'll just leave the rules.''
Do you know what l mean?
- (Applause)
- You know?
''l'll just...''
''l'll just leave the rules and you can read
them. lf there's anything that interests you,
''Chance or Community Chest,
''the possibility of winning first prize
in a beauty competition.
''l'll pop back on Sunday and we'll have
a lovely sing-song all about Monopoly.''
''Get out, you're mental!''
You know, it doesn't make sense,
you know?
And they... Ooh, they...
But this woman, right?
This dickhead, right, in England, right?
She was a BA worker, right?
British Airways. She didn't work
for the fella from the A-Team.
''l pity the fool!
''l pity the fool who works for me!''
No. British Airways, right?
She works for British Airways...
l can see you filling him in.
''Hey, son. While you were out,
he asked if you were doing a wee
''and l said that you were doing number two.''
''And then you went to the thing and
you were blind and you couldn't get out.''
''All right, thanks very much.''
That was quick.
Did you not go in the interval?
- The show plays outside...
- The what?
- The show plays on speakers outside.
- The show plays on speakers outside?
You paid to get in here
but it's playing outside?
So right now... l know the thing's sold out
but that's taking the piss, isn't it?
lf right now there's a load of kids
in the car park like that.
''Ha ha ha-ha!
''Ha ha ha!
''l wonder what colour his beard is.''
''l don't know, l'm technically blind.''
But there was this dickhead, right?
Christian woman, right?
Oohhh! Right?
Dickhead! Dickhead! Dickhead! Right?
Seriously, if you're a Christian,
you're a dickhead.
l'll defend your right to be a dickhead.
l get very angry when people start trying
to ban all different things.
They tried to ban hot cross buns because
they said it was a religious thing.
No. lt doesn't matter whether or not
it's based on nonsense,
it still should be allowed to exist.
''You can't call them hot cross buns
because a cross is a Christian symbol.
''They should be called spiced buns.''
No they shouldn't!
The only reason they've got a cross on them
is because they're called hot cross buns!
lf he did exist, Jesus died on a cross,
he didn't die on a big pile of spices!
Think it through!
''The Romans killed our Lord!''
No it wasn't, it was Colonel Sanders.
With his ten blends of herbs and spices.
They placed him a cross -
or was it a rotisserie?
Our Lord was revolved
as they threw the spices at him.
''Our Lord is dead!''
''Oh, but he's finger lickin' good!''
Who gives a shit whether they're called
hot cross buns or spiced buns or...
You can call them Jesus baps
for all l'm bothered.
Or Messiah muffins.
That'd be good wouldn't it?
Ooh! Find the face of our Lord Jesus
in the top of 'em like that.
''There's the Lord. Next muffin.''
Anyway, the point is, right, this dickhead,
this Christian dickhead, right,
she caused all sorts of controversy, right,
and she was in all the papers.
Cos she wanted to wear... They sacked her
cos she wanted to wear a cross at work
and they said ''You can't wear a cross.''
l just thought ''Who cares about whether
she wears a cross or not?''
l believe in Darwinism. You don't see me
wearing a tiara with monkeys on it.
You know?
To be honest with you
l would if they sold them, but...
But she was there going ''l have to wear
a cross because l'm a Christian''
and everyone was going
''She's got a good point.''
No she doesn't have a good point!
lt'd be different if she said ''l have to wear
the cross because l pissed off a vampire.''
People would think she was loopy.
Because it's Jesus...
''l have to show the cross
as an outward display of Christianity.''
Here's an outward display of Christianity.
Be nice to people, love thy neighbour,
shut the fuck up!
Just as an idea. You know?
Spend less time singing about shit
and actually go out and be nice to people.
How's that for an idea?
# We really love you, Jesus
# You're really, really good...
That's your way of showing your love?
By standing in a big old
draughty room going,
# We think you are brilliant
# We really like your face #
lt's just... That's shit!
How would you...
lf you were in love with somebody,
like a human person that genuinely existed...
you wouldn't follow them round going
# We really, really like you
# You are really quite nice #
You'd go ''Shut up!
Stop singing in my face!''
Anyway, this woman...
Oh, God! She was as bad.
There was another one.
A Muslim woman, right?
Ooh, hello!
(Whispering nervously)
''You can't say Muslim, Ross.
''lt's not politically correct.''
Bollocks to them!
They're just as retarded as Christians.
- Right...
- (Applause)
l'm sick of it! l mean, let's not be mean
to Muslim people in general,
they get a bit of a hard time,
they're not all terrorists, right? Fair enough.
Some of them...are.
You know. Quite frankly,
some of them are just ''boing!''
You know, but most of them, lovely people,
fancy, canny, lovely,
cheeky Muslims.
Yeah, the cheeky Muslims. They're the best.
They do a little dance.
# Ooh, ah, cheeky cheeky Muslim
# Cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love you
# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim
# Cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love you
# Hoo, ha, cheeky cheeky Muslim
stick it up your old bamboo
# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim
cheeky cheeky Muslim you
# Hoo! #
- You know, erm...
- (Laughter and applause)
lt's a bit of a turnaround,
from ''Oh! You cant' talk about Muslims!''
to ''Hey! # Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim,
cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love...''
Right now in the car park, the kids'll be like
# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #
What a great way to end a gig
that would be, wouldn't it?
lf just thousands of people ended up
conga-ing through the streets of Canberra.
# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim
cheeky cheeky Muslim we love you
# Hoo, ha, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #
That's quite a difficult one to police that,
though, isn't it?
Do you attempt to get lots of police officers
and rush us from the side
or do you just get one bloke
in full riot gear...
to attack the head of the conga?
''Here they come! Woah!''
Cos if he bottles out
he could just go... (Yells)
''Oh shit!
# Oh, ah, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #''
There's this Muslim woman, right,
and obviously they like to wear the veils,
which l've never understood,
it's a ridiculous thing to do.
You know, l don't know if they have to wear
a veil or it's as long as their face is covered.
They should be allowed to have just
a couple dry ice machines either side...
You know, or some steam jets.
Just some steam there.
Just as soon as a man looks at their face,
they just press a..
Ooh, look at that steam-faced Muslim
over there.
''Don't look at my face.''
Or a waterfall, a nice waterfall, just...
coming down there like that.
Bit of food colour in the top to cover the...
You know.
Yeah, not with water restrictions
at stage four.
Mm, there'd be a lot of Muslim ladies
not able to leave the house.
They'd be like that. ''ls it raining yet?''
''lt'll have to be the veil again today.''
Oh, the veil in this weather Oh, dear me!
Can you get it in bikini material?
Do you know what l mean? No, never mind.
lt'd be a helluva tan, wouldn't it?
You'd look like Michael Stipe
when you took your clothes off.
- Never mind.
- (Laughter)
Look at that. About four people got that.
''That's good, that. l like that.
That's a very good REM joke.''
Anyway, so this dickhead, right,
she wanted to wear the veil.
She was a teacher.
She wanted to wear it whilst teaching
the children and they said you can't
cos it's gonna interfere with your job, right?
And there was a genuine quote
from this woman.
The biggest bit of religious nonsense
l've seen in years, right?
She was interviewed on the news
and she went like this.
''l can't see how the children
would be intimidated.''
Cos you look like a deadly assassin!
You can't turn up to work
dressed like a ninja
and expect people not to freak out!
''lt's not gonna affect my work.''
Yes, it is!
You couldn't do your job through
a hole in the fence, could you?
''Hey, kiddies!
Sing along and do the actions.
''# The wheels on the bus
go round and round...
''Why aren't you doing it, kiddies?
Come on.
''# The wheels on the bus...
Watch my eyes.
''# The wheels on the bus
go round and round
''# Round and... #
lt's all nonsense and it's time it stopped.
That's all l have to say on the subject.
You know. Well, it's not all l have to say
on the subject.
l could rant on about it for hours,
to be honest.
l just don't understand why you've got
Muslims wearing veils,
you've got Sikhs wearing turbans,
you've got Jewish people wearing
the yarmulkes, the skullcap things.
What is it with religious people and hats?
Do you really think God gives a shit
what sort of hat you wear?
Do you not think something
that created everything
probably has bigger things to think about
than your choice of hat?
He doesn't give a shit!
He's not gonna be up there on his cloud
going ''l am the lord!
''Supreme ruler of the universe!
''l can destroy you with my almighty powers!
''But l tell you what,
l'm a stickler for millinery.
''Ooh! Wear the wrong hat
and l'll strike you down, bitches!''
He doesn't care! He's kind of
a bit more open-minded, l think.
You know what would make me laugh,
is if it come to judgment day
and we discovered that all religious people
were wrong
and l'll happily burn in hell, l don't give a shit.
l just think use your imagination.
But the point is that if we went up to heaven
and no one was allowed in, other than...
the only people that God lets in, right,
the only hat that God approves of,
- is the top hat.
- (Laughter)
Wouldn't that be magnificent?
Cos come judgment day,
we're all outside the pearly gates
and the only ones allowed in
are God, Fred Astaire
and Slash from Guns N' Roses.
(lmitates electric guitar)
# Puttin' on my top hat, da-da-da #
lt'd be fantastic.
And bizarrely enough,
the fella from the Monopoly board.
And magicians.
And the Fat Controller.
And Top Cat.
And that peanut with the monocle that...
And Abraham Lincoln as well.
l've not full though that through,
to be honest.
Needs a bit of work.
l do like the idea,
cos what'll happen with this show,
you might for a while,
just bits of the show will go in,
and you'll start going
''Oh, shit. l'd better make out my will,
''and l'd better buy a top hat.
''Just to make sure that l do go to heaven.''
l'd like that. l mean, it'd be nice
if there was a heaven.
l think that would be... l'd quite like to meet
Harold Lloyd and Steve lrwin, you know.
But.. Yeah.
''What are you talking about?''
No, just a thing, personal thing.
Oh, l tell you what, right.
l made a terrible faux pas.
l... Oh, God.
Every... l loved Steve lrwin, right?
He was my ultimate hero.
Oh, him and Evel Knievel, right?
For me, the ultimate
entertainment would be...
is if Steve lrwin and Evel Knievel got
together, got on the back of a crocodile,
and jumped a hippo.
Do you know what l mean?
That would have been the ultimate.
You couldn't get better than that.
But the night that he died, right,
l made such a faux pas it wasn't even funny.
Well, it was funny, it was hilarious,
but wrong.
l was chatting away,
l was going ''Blah blah blah.''
And somebody in the audience shouted
''Have you heard about Steve lrwin?''
And l went ''No, what's Steve up to?''
Right? And somebody went ''Oh.''
And l went ''What?'' And he went...
''He died.''
And l was genuinely blindsided, right?
l went ''What?''
And l was deeply upset.
And l went ''What, he died?''
And somebody right at the very back,
this little voice went...
''Are you all right?''
And l'm stood there, and l went...
when the voice went ''Are you all right?''
l didn't know how he...
l feel terrible now but it was funny.
l went ''Sorry, l'm deeply upset.
''That's got me right there, that has.''
l didn't know!
l didn't know!
What could l do?
lt was a shocking state of affairs.
He was the greatest human being. l mean,
don't get me wrong, he was mental.
Here's a man who found the most
dangerous creatures on the planet
and just wound them up.
''Over here's the deadly great white shark!
''l'll punch him in the face!''
''The alligator with its razor-sharp teeth!
''l'll put me plums in his mouth.
''The taipan, the most deadly snake alive.
''l'll shove it up me arse.''
And yet, he was killed by a stringray?
A stringray?
''Hello, l'm a stingray.
''All right, how's it going?
l'll get you a cup of tea, l'm a string...''
People in England thought stingrays were
dangerous, that they kill people all the time.
''Those stingrays, they're evil bastards!''
''l'm a stingray. l'm thinking of buying
a new pair of shoes.''
People didn't underst... They don't even
wear shoes, that's how placid they are.
What you buying shoes for?
''They're a gift.
''They're a gift for an elderly lady.
''l'm a stingray and l'm a caring person...''
Stingray? Killed by a stingray?
l didn't understand that they were
placid and lovely creatures.
The only way l could describe it to people
back home
was basically...the equivalent in England
would be walking through a forest
and being killed by a falling owl.
Do you know what l mean?
- (Applause)
- Thank you.
l'm not quite sure how an owl
falls from its perch.
Clearly some local kids
have greased up a branch.
Cos they're quite grippy creatures, owls.
Probably see the branch there
and just go ''Oh yeah. That'll do. Lovely.
''Think l'll have that branch there...
''Ooh, shit!''
l seem to have survived that fall there.
Drop another one,
l've developed an owl immunity!
They don't seem to be falling
onto the floor, either.
l seem to be catching them on my head
and stacking them up.
l'll do that again but this time,
listen out for the secondary noise
as the owl hits the floor.
Oh, yeah. Never let it be said that my mimes
are anything les than complete.
See, l even checked to see if the owl
was ready. Did you see that?
l did a cheeky walk forward. ls he loaded up
in the special owl dropping contraption?
- ''Yes.''
- Thanks.
Feel the tension in here, can you feel?
People going ''Bloody hell, Ross.
Don't even attempt it.
''l don't know if you can pull it off.''
Trust me, l'm a fully trained
owl professional.
This is a very, very difficult stunt to pull off.
(Man) Duck!
(Laughter and applause)
Did you hear that?
That's all your fault.
What were you saying? Duck as in that,
or did you want me to change the bird?
Were you going,
''l'd prefer to see a duck fall.''
l can if you want. l'm versatile.
One second. Excuse me, yes.
Take the owl out of the device.
And place a duck in.
What do you mean, it's unorthodox?
l know it is.
What do you mean, you haven't got
the right attachment to fit a duck?
Can you not just improvise?
Well, drop it by hand.
Who are you, exactly, l'm talking to,
and why are you hanging around above the
stage with a selection of different birds?
What, you just happened to have a duck
there, did you?
Yes. What? lt's flightless.
You're right, yes.
Try and drop it so its bill is facing up
so it doesn't get jammed...
in my head.
Yes. OK.
What, why?
Cos some dickhead shouted it out.
What can l do? l can't just ignore the fact
that he shouted ''duck'' can l?
All right. Well, load it up.
l'm not quite sure why l said that
in a slightly camp voice but...
What? No, l don't want vol-au-vents.
ls there anything else you'd like, possibly?
Seeing as we're changing the bird
that's falling on my head,
why don't we open it up? ls there any...?
- (Man) Emu!
- What? An emu!
Oh, good work!
As l approach the duck dropping zone...
an emu will run towards me
and l'll be forced to...
Good thinking there.
- (Man calls out)
- What?
Ask Peter for the duck.
Look, l don't want Peter anywhere near
this scenario.
Cos all l know is, it'll end up with me getting
whacked in the face with something...
that quite frankly, l don't want
anywhere near my face.
As much as l invol...
As much as l enjoy a vol-au-vent,
l draw the line there.
That's the greatest... That's got to be
the greatest euphemism for being gay.
''As much as l enjoy a vol-au-vent...''
l don't know.
My favourite euphemism
for being gay is, er....
''He enjoys roller-blading.''
Because roller-blading is the gayest thing
you can do, right?
You can have sex with a man and that is
less gay than roller-blading, right?
Where else can you combine action...
and gayness, in one perfect union?
The only way to get more action
and gayness into one short activity
is to fire Elton John out of a cannon.
So, we're dropping a duck,
l'm gonna dodge an emu,
the owl's gonna hit me on the head.
- Anything else?
- (People calling out)
Do it while l'm roller-blading?
Whatever turns you on, my friend.
All right, then. l shall do it
whilst roller-blading.
Anything else?
- (Man) With a burqa on.
- With a burqa on?
Ooh, it'll have to be a short one so
it doesn't get caught in the roller-blade.
Yeah. No problem, l'll have a burqa on,
there we go.
Can l have the steam-powered version?
ln fact, what l'll do is
l'll put the steam jets that way,
and then that'll propel me forward.
Good thinking. Anything else?
- (People calling out)
- On fire?
- And what?
- A bike helmet.
A bike helmet, so l'm wearing a burqa
and a bike helmet and l'm on...
- And a what?
- Top hat!
And a top hat. Right.
- So, let me get this straight.
- (Laughter)
l'm on r... Just wait a second!
l'm on roller-blades, wearing a burqa,
with a motorcycle helmet on,
with a top hat...
on fire.
- OK.
- (People calling out)
Take the what?
Take the plug.
Oh, take the mug.
That's a stupid idea.
- (Woman shouts out loudly)
- What?
- Naked!
- Naked?
How can l be naked and wearing a burqa?
l tell you what l'll do.
l'll wear the top half of a burqa,
and l'll be naked from the waist down.
- Right.
- (Wolf-whistle)
- (Man calling out)
- What?
- Being chased by a bear.
- Being chased by a... No.
Let's leave Peter out of this.
He's going ''Thank you.
''lt's a shame you didn't say that
at the start of the night.''
l tell you what l'll do. lnstead of allowing
the owl to hit me on the head,
l'll do a few owl tricks
to make it more of a spectacular.
(Man) lt's a duck!
l know it's a duck!
For fuck's sake!
Right then. When the duck falls...
You fuckin'...pedantic bastard!
Yeah. l'll do owl tricks with a duck.
Yes. When l get to here,
l'll do a few duck tricks.
As he hits he on the head, l'll have him
bouncing off me shoulder,
and then off me elbow,
and then l'll Steven Segal him...
backwards, then l'll kick him over my head,
which isn't easy on roller-blades,
over the top, right, then l'll play
keepsie-uppsie with him like that,
and then... Wait.
l'm gonna kick him out there, right?
You, my friend, Randy Pan'
l'm gonna kick him to you, right.
l want you to stand up,
head-butt him back,
and then l'll catch him between the knees.
- Yeah?
- (Man) Do it blind!
- Do it what?
- Blind!
Do it blind?
OK. l'll tell you what.
l'll do it technically blind.
Can you do that for me? Yeah?
And you better stand up as well.
Cos if you don't, the duck'll fly over
and it'll get somebody in the eye.
And l'm not covered
for public duck liability.
(Woman) Be a stingray.
- Do... Doing what?
- Do a stingray!
Doing a sting...?
Oh, swinging a stingray.
All right, then. l'll swing a...stingray.
l'll tell you what l'll do.
l'll sing Rawhide at the end.
Right. Let's pretend a stingray's
in a nice tank there,
ready to be swung.
(Man) Where's your guide dog?
l can't find him.
l'm technically blind.
He's run off with the wolf.
Now when l start this,
you can do a bit of a drum roll on your lap.
Right? OK.
Excuse me one sec.
Not yet! l've gotta get me skates on first,
haven't l?
Ooh, better take me pants off.
- (Wolf-whistle)
- Thank you.
lf this is good, l can't help thinking that
males strippers in the area have got it easy,
if they only have to mime
taking their clothes off.
Loads of women going ''Oh, that
Marcel Marceau, he's a hot bastard.''
lt's all right. That was...
That was the sweat.
Bucketing out there.
Oh, that's better.
l like to be comfortable under my...
''ls he wearing ladies' stockings?''
Right then, what do l want now?
Put me burqa on.
Attach me steam jets.
Got me little furnace here.
Tiny bit of coal.
Ready to create the steam.
Er, crash helmet.
Ooh! lt's quite hard,
it slipped off the top there.
Very shiny, that helmet. Right...
Er, skates.
l can't see where l'm going now.
- (Man) Top hat!
- What?
- Top hat!
- Give us a chance!
Just put me skates on, you bastard.
l can't find it, l've got my blindfold on,
haven't l?
Please, Lord, deliver me a top hat.
Thanks, Lord.
Right, here we go.
(Man) On fire!
(Mimics flames roaring)
Bloody emu!
Drop the duck! Quack quack!
Boomph! Boomph!
Boomph! Boomph!
Boomph! Boomph! Boomph! Boomph!
Boomph! Boomph! Boomph!
That's not easy in skates.
Are you ready?
Get the stingray ready.
Boomph! Boomph!
# Rollin' rollin' rollin',
oh, the streets are rollin'... #
(Cheering and applause)
Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.
Take care of yourselves, good night!
(# Heavy rock)
(Cheering and applause)
(# Heavy rock)
Hello, hello, hello, my Canberrian friends!
How are you? Are you all very well?
- (All) Yeah!
- Yeah! Nice one!
And what a... Lovely people
sat down the front there,
and then you lot all sat there,
and you've brought along...
you've booked a seat specifically for some
crazy mascot that you've brought along.
Chuck it up, go on.
Look at that, not only did he have a mascot,
he went...
and he pointed at the fact it was wearing
a T-shirt, one of my T-shirts.
Throw it up. Let's have a look
at your mascot.
Look, there was an audible gasp
from you people there.
''No one's ever brought a mascot
to a show before.
''lt's breaking all the rules.''
The... Wow, look at that.
You're not fucking about tonight, mate,
are you? That's what l like to see.
And you lot looking slightly sad.
''We didn't bring anything at all!''
The, er... There's quite a big man
down the front with a massive beard there,
and for a minute the fella next to him
looked as if to go...
''Could l pass him off as a mascot?''
There was a... There was a...
He's a what?
- (Man) That's my dad.
- That's your dad? He can still be a mascot.
He's clearly not your dad. Look at
the difference between the two of you.
- (Laughter, shocked gasps)
- Ooh, sorry, l didn't... No, shut up!
Shut your bloody faces.
As if l've had DNA run on all of you.
No, that's what l do. Before the show,
l sit up there,
hanging in a big space unit like that,
and l look down, and l have you all tested
on the sly like that.
The ushers, as they come in,
as they're ripping your ticket,
they cheekily swab you like that.
And then l go ''Have a look down there,
there's a very thin lad, very clean shaven,
''and then there's a big burly man next to him
with a massive big beard.
''The two of them are together,
they're clearly of no relation.''
The, erm... lt's quite a...
He's what?
You used to be skinny? Don't say it like that.
''l used to be skinny!''
''l...l used to be skinny,
but l'm not any more.''
lt doesn't matter, you look fantastic!
You've made up for it with a big old beard.
Do you know what l mean? You don't...
You don't hark back for the days
when you looked like him?
Look at him, he looks like
a slight gust of wind and he would just...
''Oh...'' And he we would blow away.
lf somebody were to open the doors now,
he would've been blown onto that mascot.
l'm not quite sure what it is,
to be honest with you. lt's some sort...
ls it a timber wolf of some description?
ls it some kind of local...
l haven't been a fool, have l,
and that's a local Canberra wolf?
ls there a special type of wolf
that lives around the hills here,
that comes down and feasts on...
men with beards, l don't know.
The, erm... Oh, sorry, there's some
latecomers coming in.
ln you come there. Welcome along.
Look, they're now gonna try and work out
why l seem to have a little dog
next to me on the stage.
l've become the world's shittest
- lt's a...
- (Applause)
lt's a new thing that l'm working on,
you know.
l can't actually do the voice of the wolf,
but l just simply stand here
and occasionally l'll go ''What?''
and pretend that the wolfs
whispering to me.
Yeah. l'm gonna turn him
to face me like that.
The, er... lmagine if l'd just waited
till those latecomers came in
and just stood really still like this,
just going...
''Look, l don't mean to scare you,
''but there's a live wolf onstage.
''And l'd like to do the show,
but unfortunately
''l might be ripped apart, limb from limb.''
lt's a good job we've got
Grizzly Adams down the front, though.
There he is.
You'd just leap onto the stage like that,
pulling out some sort of chopper
out of your...
Shut up. The, er, what is it called?
(Man) More of a flop.
- More of a flop?
- A flop.
Oh, l see. Oh, sorry, l thought
when l said pull out your chopper
and you went ''More of a flop,''
l thought, oh...
l thought... No, l meant a bloody axe,
l didn't mean your, you know...
l didn't mean your gentleman's area.
''Pull out me chopper, mate?
No, it'll be more of a flop. Oh, yes.
''That's right.
''l might be a burly man,
l've got a big burly cock as well.
''Look at that.
''l shall leap onto the stage
and allow it to flop out like that.
''Oh, yes.'' You turn to your son and go
''You've got all this to look forward to.
''Oh, yes. l remember when l was
a skinny young lad like you,
''it was more of a reveal,
''but now - phoomph - it's a flop.''
What an amazing way to kill a wolf
that would be.
lmagine that.
There's a hell of a show right there,
before you've even...
before you've even got to the stuff
that l've got to say for meself.
Just all of a sudden,
a live wolf is released onto the stage
and as l'm there,
what the hell's gonna happen?
And then, da-daaa! Ha-ha-haaa!
Just... (Laughs)
Oh, blimey, you'll be
the toast of the land there.
The... Anyway.
So, what is it? What is the wolf?
- (Man) He was there when l got here.
- He was there when you got here?
You lying bastard.
Yeah. lt's a good job
he didn't say the same thing, isn't it?
''There's a big bearded man, l don't know,
he was just here when l got there.''
You know? ''He just follows me
everywhere l go.
''He's like some kind of future stalker.
l arrive and he's already there.''
That's messed with my head, that has.
The, er...
l'm gonna give him back in a minute, cos l'm
not gonna lie to you, he's freaking me out,
just having a small stuffed dog next to me.
The, er... Do you like the way
that he's just eyeballing you now, like that?
You're actually looking
quite nervous in the front row.
''Get that T-shirt-wearing wolf
away from me.''
Or you're worried that he's gonna get
closer and closer.
lt's like... Oh, sorry, l've just realised,
that you flopping your bits out like that,
like some sort of pornographic
Little Red Riding Hood, isn't it?
The, erm...
''My, Grandma,
that's a big sausage you're eating.''
- (Laughter)
- The... What? Shut your faces.
Just going ''Ah-ha-ha... Oh, no.
''No, we can't stand for that kind of
nonsense, it's bang out of order.''
The... (Laughs) No, that would be terrible,
wouldn't it?
lf he slowly got closer and closer to you
throughout the course of the show
until he was right on top of you.
You wouldn't be scared by the wolf,
it was just him just misdirecting...
(Thud) ''Ohh...
''Oh, no, l've been whacked in the face.''
Why do l keep saying this?
Sorry, l do apologise. My bits are
in a shocking state at the moment.
The... No, what it is, l'm riding around
on my motorbike, right?
Sorry, l should move him
out the way, shouldn't l?
You're going ''No, leave him there.''
No, l'm riding around on me motorbike
between all the gigs,
and l've got all my motorcycle leathers...
Not leathers, they're sort of like, er...
You know, the...
''No, we don't, Ross. What the hell is this?
''Are you in some sort of gimp costume?''
Yes, l am. l zip them on like that.
l'm on a motorcycle, and then there's
another bloke on a bike behind me,
just holding me on a leash like that as l...
l find it's cheaper than having a GPS.
You simply, er... You go,
''Which way do l need to turn?''
And he gives a tug. ''Oh, this way.''
The, er... The, er...
No, but... Cos l'm from England,
and l'm not used to the heat
and the humidity,
and it's a bit odd, it's like,
it doesn't matter where l sweat from,
it all seems to end up down here.
Do you know what l mean? lt's like l've got
secret hidden guttering behind all the...
Do you know? lt just runs...
And subsequently it means
down here it's all a little bit...
How should l put it?
Well, basically,
if l was to take my trousers off,
it would look like a lava lamp down there.
Just... No, seriously.
lt's just testicles floating around...
in a sort of a...
Seriously! lf l was to put a torch
behind them like that...
it would be like
the start of a Bond film.
lt would just... (To tune of Goldfinger)
# Wah, wah-wah...
- # Wah, wah, wah #
- (Applause)
Thank God you clapped that there.
Going ''Yes, we like that image.''
Could quite easily have been,
''Oh, God, no, make it stop.''
But the most dangerous thing
that l've found about...
No, where did you get...
l'll get back to that in a minute.
Can you remember
the most dangerous thing?
Are you sure? You just looked at me
as if to say ''No, Ross, l can't do that.
''l need to be ever vigilant
against wild animals.
''Wearing T-shirts.''
The, er, kind... What was your name,
my grizzly friend?
- Not telling you.
- You're not telling me your name?
Why not?
(Laughs) Did you hear that?
Somebody up there went ''Ahh.''
''Ahh, he's not gonna tell him his name.
''The whole show's knackered.''
You know, that's never happened to me
in this country before, to be honest with you.
l'll always ask people their names
and they go ''lt's...''
What was that?
One person up there just went...
Like that. As if to go ''lt's never happened
before, good on us Aussies.''
(Laughs) A single clap like that?
There's some sort of freelance flamenco
dancer up there going ''You know what?
''l've always wanted to
do the flamenco dancing.
''Actually, no, l've changed my mind,
l don't think l will.
''Oh, possibly l will.''
What would be good is if this theatre
was fitted with one of those...
You know those light-clapper things
that they have?
And that was just somebody going,
''lt's a bit dark out here.
''And apparently the place is infested
with wolves.
''l need to turn the lights on.
''Oh, it doesn't seem to be working.''
That'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it,
if you were a flamenco dancer,
and you were working in a bar that had
one of those clapper things on.
Cos you'd be trying to do a bit of a show
and you'd be like ''Ladies and gentlemen,
please will you look at my flamenco!''
And the lights would be going on and off
like that, and you'd be going ''Bloody 'ell!''
Especially if you were an epileptic.
lmagine that.
Be a bloody nightmare, that, wouldn't it?
You'd be like that and the things were...
And then you'd start having a fit,
you'd be like that,
and that would make you clap more,
and you'd be trapped in a flamenco...
And you'd be going ''Stop the lights!''
And the lights would be flashing.
''l can't stop flamencoing.''
And then finally you'd be fine and you'd stop,
and then the audience would go ''That was
brilliant.'' And they'd start clapping.
And the lights would go...
lt's just...constnat.
A constant flamenco loop,
over and over again.
You'll be off and they'll be like...
Yeah. Oh, it'd be shocking. The, erm...
So, er... Ooh, l've knackered
meself out now with the flamen...
They don't half... They don't half go some,
the flamencoists.
They... No, they do that.
They don't just do that.
That's like somebody moshing
who's had some kind of spine problem.
Come on, put more effort into it!
''l can't.
''l've had a metal rod put in me spine.
''l can only judder.''
The, er... ls that a thing they do?
ls that a medical thing,
having a metal rod put in your spine?
Probably not.
Yeah, if l had one in, l'd have it put in,
and then l'd have a bit
come out the top like that
so that l could just jump on
at dodgems and just...
Actually, no, that'd be bad, wouldn't it?
Cos it'd send an electrical thing
right down your spine
and into your arse like that.
And if there's one thing
l find spoils my evening
it's having my arse electrocuted.
(Throaty buzzing)
The, er... Be quite good, though.
You could sellotape a light bulb
to the top of it
and then pretend you were
constantly having brilliant ideas.
''l think that would be a foolish idea.''
Yeah, well, nobody asked you, Wolf.
And one more word out of you,
and you're gonna get
Grizzly Adams' bollocks in your face.
''Sorry about that.''
This is really bad, isn't it? The fact that l've
just left him on the stage for so long,
l feel like one of those blokes that works
on one of those fairground rides.
''Come on now, come on now,
''throw some balls, get it in the back there,
''and you'll win one of these
shitty little wolves.''
The, er... No, so where did you get the, er...
(Man) Saw it at a carnival.
- You what?
- At a carnival.
At a carnival! Oh, good work.
lt was an actual carnival win.
Blimey. l can tell, actually,
from the fact that it's...
- (Man) Shit?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You... You took the words
right out of me mouth there.
The, er... ls that what Meat Loaf
was singing about when he said
# You took the words right out of my mouth
# l was thinking about
the shitty quality of the wolf
# You won the wolf at a fairground
# And it's clearly gonna burst into flames
# When you give it to a child
# Ohh!
(Mimics guitar chords)
# Took the words right out of... #
''Why aren't you moshing?''
''l can't.
''l've had a metal spine put in me...''
l've had a metal spine put in me rod. Yes.
l've had a metal spine
put in me iron rod.
''ls that a new iron rod
you've got there, Ross?''
Yes, it is. Do you like the way
l've had a spine put in it?
(Laughs) What's that?
Shut your face.
The, er... Before l get Grizzly to do the...
do the... No, it is shit, isn't it?
lt's... l mean, this is quite clearly filled
with flammable synthetics.
That would just... A child would be playing
with that, and it would whoomph...
and boomph!
And then just slowly melt...
and possibly melt onto the child
so that when you took your kid down to
the accident and emergency department,
they would have a wolf melted onto them
like some kind of strange woodland
Siamese twins.
Oh, did you see those Siamese twins
that were joined at the face?
''No.'' Thanks for that. That was good.
Bloke down there just went ''No.''
''And l don't wanna hear about them now,
thank you very much.
''lt's one thing hearing about Grizzly Adams
whacking his big burly cock
''in the face of a woodland creature,
but, er...''
Yeah, you'd have trouble, wouldn't you, if it
was the Siamese twins joined at the face.
Where would you whack?
- (Laughter, disgusted groans)
- ''l can't...''
None of the things l talk about tonight
are necessarily gonna come true.
Just relax, it's all in the mind.
lt's fine. ''lt's terrible.
''He had some sort of... He had a meeting
''and he told us all to go out
and annoy Siamese twins.
''We don't even know where to find
Siamese twins.''
Yeah, l'll tell you where - Siam.
You can't move for them over there.
lt's a bloody nightmare,
walking around like this.
Excuse me, can l get through?
''Stop it right now.''
Sorry. So...which fair did you get
this slightly shitty item from?
Was it a local...? Cos there's a big one
coming up, isn't there?
There's a... ls it on Sunday?
How old are you now?
You're like 18 or something, aren't you?
Canberra, what is it?
Seven years old or something?
lt was formed in the '80s, l believe.
ls that right?
Was it... ls it true...
Canberra was started by Kajagoogoo.
About four of you. ''Who the hell are Kaja...''
- No, where was the... lt was what?
- Canberra Show.
The Canberra Show.
And what did you have to do
to win such a highly flammable item?
- lt was that hammer thing.
- The hammer thing?
That could've been anything, couldn't it?
That could've been you
attacking a backpacker.
You know? No.
lt's a popular Aussie tradition.
- You know?
- (Disapproving groans)
Oh, shut your faces.
''Oh, no.
''You can't say that.
''You can't accuse us
of all killing backpackers.''
That's probably what it was, there was
probably a line of backpackers all there,
and some fella, and he had like a hammer,
and he said ''Right, then,
if you can kill more than ten in an hour,
''the, erm...
You know. Maybes...
The, er...Milat Mallet, it's called.
Big thing. Er...
Slightly worried that you're all
applauding there.
''Oh, yes, Milat's Mallet,
it's our favourite fairground ride.''
lt's brilliant. First you must entice
the backpackers into the car...
and then pull the mallet out,
whack 'em around the head,
and then you're presented
with a wolf in clothes.
Ah, old Aussie traditions.
- The, er... Oh, it was the strength.
- Yeah.
Oh, the phloong, and you...boomph.
And, er... You could've...
That's right up your street there.
Show the young lad there.
He's all skinny and lithe now
but, oh, yeah, you've got that extra power.
Hey? You could've won one of them
and tormented him with it.
Yeah. The, er...
You could've just dropped your cock on it,
couldn't you?
''There you go.''
''l'll have two.''
You know what l'm saying? Yeah.
The... l'm so sorry,
this was obviously meant to be
some kind of lovely father and son night out,
and it's ended up with you being some kind
of local Canberra playboy.
The, erm... Brilliant.
And you wo... And boomph.
And so when was the show?
- lt was last year.
- lt was last year?
And you've kept that thing...
l'm surprised it hasn't just slowly
fallen to pieces over the course of the...
Oh, and you've brought it along here
tonight. And did you book that extra seat
- or did somebody not make it?
- Someone not made it.
Somebody didn't make it.
l'm guessing they're an English person
that hitch-hiked here. Am l right?
Yeah. l thought so.
Oh, shut your faces!
The, erm... And so... No, go on, what?
He's the only friend that we've got...
He's the only other person
that wanted a ticket.
Hmm. That...
makes me feel so special.
You ring the people up going ''Ross is on
in town tonight, do you wanna come?''
''l can't l've got to go out killing.''
''Oh, l'm gonna have to take
the highly flammable wolf, then.
''What can l do? My hands are tied.''
''lt's funny you should say that,
cos that's exactly what l'm doing now...''
The, erm... l'll give you him back
cos he can't stay onstage all night, surely.
- Has he got a name?
- Randy Pan.
For... What? Brandy Pants?
- Randy Pan.
- Randy...Pan?
Randy Pan?
ls that some kind of ancient Aboriginal word
for ''shitty item''?
What? Randy Pan?
Where did that come from?
- Ask his parents.
- What?
Ask his parents?
You're really starting to worry me now.
Cos even your girlfriend went ''OK...
''l thought he was bringing it along
as a bit of a mascot situation.
''l didn't realise that it's actually
one of his close friends.''
The, er... Randy Pan?
And it was his parents
that gave him the name.
And were they two slightly larger,
highly flammable items,
ready to destroy a child?
- What?
- A bit like this.
A bit like this? What, you're suggesting
that my massive silver balls
are in some way less than, er, highly safe?
Are you just... You're just sat there
just going
''l like the set he's provided
for us to look at, but...
''l think we might all die.''
Yeah. You should see the finale
of the show. lt's brilliant.
l dance around the stage
just with some lighter fluid
just like that.
And then l tap-dance in flint shoes.
Cover your beard, for God's sake!
That's the last thing we want, you running
around with a big beard of flames.
Actually, no, that'd add to the spectacle,
wouldn't it?
lf l was dancing around, surrounded by fire.
# Fire! Doo-doo-doo! #
And then you just ran across the front
like that...
with a beard of flames going across.
(Mimics sound of flames roaring)
Like that.
He starts melting all over the place,
you know, maybes the beard catches,
and you end up some kind of
Siamese wolf-face child.
A wolfs face and then flames
coming out the bottom there.
Like Ghost Rider.
You know how he's got the flaming skull...
No, you don't.
''No, Ross. We've all got lives an' that.''
The, erm... So, no, why didn't you want
to tell me your name before?
- Er, Rick Borden.
- What? Rick Borden.
You see, that's clever what you did,
because you went ''Rick Borden,''
but you actually pointed to the man
whose name you took.
That's... And he went ''What are you doing?''
The first rule of taking an assumed identity
is don't have the bloke you're passing
yourself off as being next to...
''Rick Borden, there he is, that's me.''
Wh... l don't... Surely we're meant to
keep our identities secret?
That's a nightmare if you ever go
into the witness relocation programme.
You're gonna be in deep trouble, aren't you?
''What's your name?''
''Rick Borden. There he is.''
''l don't understand. ls it you or is it me?''
''l don't know. We're Siamese twins.''
''Give us your face.''
The, er... No, it's quite all right,
cos l find, as a rule,
this is the friendliest country on the planet,
l'm quite surprised that you didn't
wanna tell me your name.
l was in a shop earlier on,
and this woman said to me...
l'd bought a magazine
and l was just walking out...
and the woman just went
''Have a great day.''
Have a great day. Not have a nice day.
Everyone else in the world says
''Have a nice day.''
She went ''Have a great day.''
No! That's too much pressure for me.
l can have a nice day... Like, there's
a big difference between nice and great.
There's a leap there, you know.
Like, er, if you're going on your holidays
it would be much better to go and visit
the Nice Wall of China.
Do you know what l mean? lt would just...
Keep up!
Alexander the Nice. You know, the, er...
The, er... # Goodness gracious,
nice balls of fire! #
But have a great day, and l'm just thinking,
nice day, dead easy, you know -
stroll around a zoo
in lovely comfortable trousers,
maybes looking at monkeys,
hearing the sound of children's laughing,
you know?
A great day would be laughing at children
being attacked by monkeys
in comfortable trousers!
(Mimics monkey shrieking)
That's the difference between a nice day
and a great day right there.
Have a great day. Where am l gonna find
monkeys in trousers?!
And how am l gonna get them riled up
and angry enough to fight with children?
You're putting too much pressure
on me, love.
Just back off. The, er...
But no, it's a fantastically frie...
My wife's Australian. You can't get more
friendly than that, you know?
Sorry, l didn't mean it like that.
''What? l don't understand.
ls he suggesting his wife is a slut?''
No. l'm saying that, er...
No, l'll tell you what it is, right?
The only time that you're not friendly
is on those Give Blood adverts.
Ooh, you're not fond of English blood,
are you, on there?
''You can give blood.
Would you like to give blood?
''You're eligible as long as
you've never been to England.
''Or eaten meat in England!
Or been anywhere near England!
''Or even so much as received a postcard
''from anyone that's ever been to England!
''Because their blood is wrong
and diseased!
''Dirty, dirty!
Send them outside of the city wall!''
''Do you want me blood?''
''No, don't look at me!
''You will infect me with your English eyes.''
The, erm...
Yeah. No, my wife, right, we were in, erm...
Where were... Morocco! Right?
We were strolling through Morocco,
and you know when people come up
and ask you where you're from
in those sort of countries,
where they go ''My friend, my friend.
''Where are you from, my friend?''
No. l'm...
l'm getting the feeling that none of you lot
have ever left Canberra.
''No, we don't know, Ross.
''Once a year, the show comes to town...
''We're only really interested in foreigners
if we're attacking them with hammers.''
But, er...
Boomph! ''Aaaah!''
''There's a wolf.''
''Thank you.''
No, we were in Morocco, right,
and we were strolling through
the main street, and these...
What is your real name?
- lt's what?
- Peter.
Thanks very much there,
the son helping me out there.
The, er... And what do you do for a living,
Peter, when you're...
- Nothing illegal.
- Nothing illegal?
You're a very defensive man, aren't you?
There was no suggestion of illegal activities,
but straightaway, ''Nothing illegal!
''l've done nothing illegal.
''l haven't done anything wrong, and you can
come to my house and search it,
''you won't find anything!''
lt's all right, l'm not a copper.
The, er... That was great.
He went ''Nothing illegal,''
and your son, l like the way he just patted
you like that, as if to go...
''Oh, Dad.
''l love the way you can say that
with a straight face.
''Your highly illegal activities
are the toast of the area.''
That's the only reason he grew the beard,
to hide the slightly guilty look on his face.
The, er... Combing your hair down like that,
so you're just looking like...
''Nothing illegal.''
Oh, dear me.
No, go on, what do you do for a job?
You can tell me, we'll have a bit of a chat.
That's great. You really are, like,
you're just going...
''Well... Hmm... Eh... Urgh... Hmm...
''Well... Yeah...''
l'm surprised you didn't just
set fire to your beard and just run off.
''See ya!''
''Wow. He's like some kind of Ghost Rider.''
''l don't know who that is!''
The, er... Look, don't ask him for advice.
He's turning to his son,
going ''What should l say?''
lt's all right, l'm not from Work for the Dole.
l'm not... lt's not like...
This isn't just a big trick that l've laid on.
The, er... ''Right, we'll just ask him
what he does,
''and when he tells us he's signing on
but secretly working at the same time,
''boomph, we've got him.''
No, go on, what do you...?
- No, l can't tell you.
- You can't tell me?
- (Son) Construction.
- (Laughs) That's great.
He went ''Can't tell you.''
And his son went ''Construction!''
That's great. Look at that.
Look at the loyalty involved there.
- (Peter) He's wrong.
- He's what?
- He's wrong.
- He's wrong?
That's great, he went ''He's wrong.''
And he went ''No, l'm not.''
(Peter speaking, indistinct)
- lt's what?
- lt's manufacturing.
You're into manufacturing.
What sort of...
For construction.
For construction?
Ooh, you're mysterious.
''er, for construction.''
And what do you manufacture...
for construction?
Do you mean you manufacture stuff
that is used in the construction industry,
or do you mean you manufacture something
that is then constructed?
Possibly by Chinese kids.
(Laughter, shocked gasps)
lt's not me setting up sweatshops
on the outskirts of Canberra.
They're going ''Ha-ha... Ohhh.
Chinese children?''
No, what do you...?
- Ducts.
- Ducks?
- Ducts.
- Oh, ducts!
Like... Somebody went ''What?''
''Duck?'' That'd be good, if all of a sudden
l was hit in the side of the head...
Boomph! What the hell?
''l told you to duck, but you wouldn't listen,
would you?''
The, erm...
Ducts. Those big silver...
The big silver things
that Tom Cruise sneaks through.
(# Hums theme from Mission: lmpossible)
You don't know. Tom Cruise could
sneak through a number of things.
You know. Oh, that sounded wrong.
Just not vaginas apparently. So, er...
- (Laughter and applause)
- The... What? l'm just say... l don't...
You know? What?
l don't know. lt's only rumours.
The, er... Ducts.
Are they silver, are they...?
(Laughs) This is great. This could have
been a two-minute conversation.
l just went ''What is...''
And he just went... (Sighs angrily)
l hope this isn't what you do
when you're pitching to potential buyers.
''Right, then, we've got a sales meeting.
''Would you like to tell us
about your product?''
''Ahh... Err...
''Oh, fuck. lt's, erm...
''Well, it's construction...things,
''and it's like ducts and that,
''and if you want them, buy them.
lf you don't, then, you know.
''Do you wanna see me cock?
Look, there's me cock, look at that.
''lt's a...
''lt's a beauty, isn't it?
''l tell you what, you might not think
it looks like much now,
''but it won me this wolf. Look at this wolf!
l won a wolf!''
The... No, go on. What's the...
(Peter) lt's cable ducting.
- Cable ducting!
- ln offices.
ln offices. l... Oh!
lt's silver, though, isn't it? lt is...
lt's what? Skirting?
lsn't it... lsn't that conduit?
No, it's much fancier than that.
lt's much fancier than conduit?
lt could be.
So it's like conduit, but la-di-dah conduit?
That's what you should have on your slogan.
lt should say... Right, it should say
''Big beardy Peter...
''la-di-dah conduit.''
l can see it on the side of a van.
On a business card.
Tattooed on your huge testicles.
''Beardy Peter, la-di-dah conduit
for all your la-di-dah conduit needs.''
Wandering onto a construction site,
''Mm, l see the wiring along here.
Were you planning on using conduit?''
''Yes, we were.''
''l laugh in your face.
''You need my la-di-dah ducts. Yes.
''Would you like a vol-au-vent?''
One of the most la-di-dah foods
ever invented.
People only eat vol-au-vents
when they're being la-di-dah, don't they?
Nobody comes home and goes ''Bloody 'ell,
l'm starving. Got any vol-au-vents?''
You know?
You don't see construction workers
opening up their packed lunches and that,
going ''Ooh, what's me missus
put in here tod... Ooh, vol-au-vents!''
No, the only time vol-au-vents
are ever eaten
is off trays held like this.
''Would you like a vol-au-vent?''
''l don't mind if l do.
''Mmm. Ooh, yes.
''Let's put some la-di-dah conduit
down there.''
The, erm... Vol-au-vents!
That's... The French have got
a lot to answer for.
The, er... You know what
vol-au-vent stands for?
lt's French for ''inadequate pie''.
There's the invol-au-vent, which is, er...
where you involuntarily
put chicken into pastry.
l don't want to! Why am l doing this?
''Ooh, he's making an involuntary-vent.''
l said that and even l don't understand it.
You're going ''What? That doesn't
strictly speaking making sense.
''lt's funny, but it doesn't make sense.''
Welcome to my life.
Erm, anyway, what was l talking about?
- l was talking... What?
- (Woman) Morocco.
Morocco! Thank you very much.
Thank you. ''Morocco!''
Sorry, l forgot to warn you at the start,
if haven't seen me before,
there will be tangents.
The, er...
''Yeah, bloody right. The first 20 minutes of
the show was you bloody talking to a wolf.
''Weren't expecting that, some sort of
Man From Snowy River, live.''
# There's a river, and it's snowy
# There's a wolf and he's sitting right here
# He's my friend, he's my only friend
Boom! # Now he's killed
by a bearded man's cock
- # Oh, l'm the man from Snowy... #
- (Applause)
Oh, dear. You'll never be able to watch
a nature documentary ever again.
The next time they go ''And the wolves are
walking across the woodland
''trying to find...''
''Oh, God, no. Check the woods
for bearded men.''
(Whistling melody)
''Come here!''
Ohhh, we could make a remake
of Dances With Wolves.
You playing Kevin Costner,
pants round your ankles.
# Da-daaa #
Staggering around.
All the lndians looking on,
going ''What the hell's he doing?
''Put it away, Peter.''
Peter And The Wolf! Eh?
(Hums melody)
Oh, yes. The, er...
Who was it did Peter And The Wolf?
lt was, er... You know, the...
- (Hums melody)
- (Man calls out, indistinct)
- Who?
- (Woman) Prokofiev.
- Was it Tchaikovsky?
- (Several people) Prokofiev.
Prokofiev. Ooh, that's gotta be the most
la-di-dah heckle l've ever heard in my life.
Tchaikovsky... ''lt was Prokofiev!''
l love the fact that that said in an Aussie
accent just makes all the difference.
(Australian accent)
''lt was fuckin' Prokofiev!''
(Laughter and applause)
''Aww, for fuck's sake!
What the fuck you fuckin' talkin' about?
''Fuckin' Tchaikovsky.
''Oi! Tchaikovsky? Ahh, fuckin' idiot!
''l think you'll find it was Prokofiev.
''l don't mind if l do.''
Oh, dear. Anyway, the...
Oh, l like you lot.
There's a... No, that's what
l was telling you about.
l was in Morocco, and, er...
''Yes, you were!
''You were in Morocco!
How long is it gonna take you
''to tell us about Morocco?''
We got plenty time, you know?
The, er... ''But the Sunday celebrations!
''Canberra's nearly three years old!
''Four years ago, this was just a car park.''
lt's amazing what you can do
with some shovels and a bit of false turf.
So, the...
The point is, l was in Morocco, right,
and we were walking
through the main street,
and l was with my wife, who's an Aussie,
and the little kids come up to you and go
''My friend, where are you from?''
And l can't be arsed with them,
so l always say that l'm from places
from the Star Wars films, you know, just...
No, cos they've learned an expression
from every country
but they, you know...
you throw them a curve ball, you go...
''l'm from Alderaan.''
Er, you know, what they don't know is...
Alderaan was actually destroyed, but...
The, er...
And don't say Hoth, cos one of them might
go ''But, my friend, that is an ice planet
''and uninhabitable.''
And that can lead to problems.
But anyway, the point is...
this little kid came up, right, and he went
''My friend, my friend,
''where are you from, my friend?'' Right?
And my wife turns round and she just goes...
''Australia.'' Right?
And this kid, what they normally do
is they come out like with England, they go
''God bless the Queen! Fish and chips!
''Lovely jubbly!'' You know,
some sort of English thing, right?
But this kid, he did an absolute belter, right?
He turned round, and she went ''Australia.''
And this kid came out with an expression,
could have been anything,
could have been ''G'day, mate,''
could have been ''Shrimp on the barbie,''
could have been ''Crikey,'' anything, right?
Any, you know, ''Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!''
And no. You know what he came out with?
l thought ''You little genius,'' right?
''My friend, where are you from?''
''Australia.'' And this is what he said.
''A dingo ate my baby!''
(Laughter and applause)
''A dingo ate my baby.'' l was pissin' meself.
l was laughing so much
that he kept repeating it.
''A dingo ate my baby! A dingo ate my baby!
''A dingo ate my baby!''
lt was like he was doing a little song.
# A dingo ate my baby
# Dingo ate my baby
# A dingo ate my baby #
The, erm... The, er...
lt's a good job Peter wasn't around,
cos as he went to grab the...
Boomph. ''Aaah!''
''That's not a wolf.''
No, but the thing was,
l've taught him a new one now, right?
So if you're in Morocco, and this was me,
this was me that did this one, right?
lf you're in Morocco and a little kid comes up
to you and goes ''My friend, my friend,
''where are you from?''
lf you now turn to him and go ''Australia,''
he'll go ''Free Schapelle Corby!''
Oh, she's an idiot, isn't she?
Why is it that all Australians locked up
in foreign prisons
sound like 1960s Motown acts?
No, seriously, next time
you're watching the news, listen.
''And now Schapelle Corby
and the Bali Nine.''
# Sha la la la
# Ooh oo-ooh
# Sha la la la
# Ooh oo-ooh #
lt's quite hard to do that
when you're behind bars, isn't it?
You sort of go ''Dk, dk, dk, dk, dk.''
You have to do more of this dance
so you can go through the bars.
Some of you not really sure now, are you?
''Yeah, they might be
convicted drug dealers,
''but they're our convicted drug dealers.''
The... l nearly got stopped meself.
l always have trouble at customs.
There's been two incidents recently.
One, l was in Dubai, right, coming through...
Cos basically when you look like me
and you get off the plane,
and granted l was in the fancy end,
and l got off first, and the bloke obviously
went ''Ooh, he's clearly a drug dealer.''
You know, l might as well have had a
T-shirt on, going ''l love Schapelle Corby.''
And l got off the plane,
and this customs officer...
And if you get caught over there,
chop your head off, right?
Fella goes to me, he goes ''You, my friend.
''Come. Come with me.''
And l went ''What? Eh, what?''
''Come in here.''
l was standing in this little room like that.
And l learnt a very important lesson.
Don't take the piss out of customs officers.
lf there's one thing
l can pass on to you, right.
He turns to me, right,
and he goes ''You take drugs?''
l went ''Not really.'' The answer's no, right?
l don't take drugs, never have done.
l know it's difficult to believe,
but l've never... l don't bother.
But you know, ''Not really... l mean no.
No. l don't.'' Right?
And he goes, and this... He went...
''Take your clothes off.''
He was gonna do the full strip-search.
He went ''Take your clothes off.''
The correct response to that is
''Certainly, officer,'' take your clothes off,
and let him do what he needs to do.
Don't do this. ''Take your clothes off.''
''Ooh, buy me a drink first!''
Right? Don't say it.
Don't do it. lt's not worth it.
Cos there's no one there to laugh,
that was the thing.
He's not gonna find that funny, you know?
And l took me clothes off,
and all the time l'm...
You know, and l didn't... And l was nerv...
l've not really been naked in close proximity
with another man in a kiosk...
A cubicle, not a kiosk. Obviously that's...
The, er...
lt was weird, he was strip-searching me
and selling ice creams at the same time.
What... What are you doing?
The, er...
lf he says ''Pass me the nuts,'' l'll punch him.
The, erm...
There was a lot of kids
getting freaked out that day.
''Mummy, can l have a...''
No, a cubicle, that's what it was, not a kiosk.
And l... So l go into this cubicle
and he says ''Take your clothes off.''
So l took me clothes off.
And you don't wanna say something like...
''Are you gonna get yours off as well
so l don't feel self-conscious?''
You don't wanna hear him going
''Do you mind if l dim the lights?''
You don't want that.
Starts lighting a few scented candles.
So l'm there, naked, in front of this fella,
and l was so nervous... l don't get nervous,
l've not really ever been a nervous person,
but this is the first time in my life
that l genuinely...
My heart started going, l was going
''Oh, God. This could end badly, this.''
And l'm nude, and l'm trying to be relaxed
whilst being nude, you know,
in the presence of a uniformed man,
and, er...
You know.
l felt like jumping up and going ''Come on,
''let's pretend it's the end of
Officer And A Gentleman, come on.''
l didn't, no. And l tried to look relaxed,
but it didn't matter how relaxed
l tried to look,
standing nude in a cubicle,
it just looked camp, it just didn't...
lt's... l even went for one of them
at one point.
l thought ''That's not right, is it?''
(Laughs) Hello.
The... And so l'm stood there like that.
lt was like l was in a disco in the '80s.
l was trying...
And he said to me, he went...
''My friend, can you move...your...''
Honestly. He wanted me
to move me bits to the side
so he could check me undercarriage
for contraband.
That's not the words he used.
''Can you move your bits so l can check
your undercarriage for contraband?''
And don't try using that
as a chat-up line either.
''All right there? Any chance of moving your
bits so l can check your undercarriage
''for contraband?''
''l'll call the police. Get away.''
So...he did, he said ''Move your bits
so l can check your...''
Now, l was so nervous in this situation
l didn't realise that he meant
l could use my hands.
Why would you?
So l'm stood there doing this.
l'm using Jedi mind control.
l thought ''ls it wrong to give 'em a flick?
ls it wrong?''
You know. ''My friend, l saw you
use your hips to flick it to the side.''
At one point, l thought why don't l just pull
one of my hairs out,
tie it off, take it round the back,
tie it to me arse hairs,
and then just clench me buttocks
so that it just...
''Oh, my God!
How the hell are you doing it?
''l've never seen anything... Quickly, quickly!
''He is like David Copperfield!''
# Doo-duh, doo-duh
# Doo-duh-duh duh-duh doo-doo
# Doo, doo-duh #
And l ended up with a six-week residency.
Roll up, roll up!
And the other time, just recently
l was in New Zealand, right,
and l swear to God, the interval's on its way,
l can some of you just going
''lf we don't have an interval soon...
''we're gonna rupture our insides.''
Don't worry. l know when it's time
for the interval,
cos l can see the piss rising in your eyes.
You'll know when it's time to go
cos you'll be watching the show in sepia.
Er... Yeah.
lt'll be like the start of Sons And Daughters.
Look at that. That always sorts out
the people who don't work for a living.
(Laughs) ''That's a good one, that, yeah.''
The, er... No, l went to New Zealand,
and l went to...
Well, it started at passport control,
that was the, er...
Not passport control,
that's where it ended up.
lt started at the, erm, the check-in bit, right?
l put my suitcase on,
and l had my handbag, right?
Not a handbag. Like luggage, hand luggage.
lt wasn't a handbag.
lt was a man's bag.
lt was a gentleman's leather satchel
if you must know.
lt wasn't a handbag.
The, er...
Mind you, l was wearing stilettos
and a boob tube, so, you know,
it might as well have been.
l wasn't. l made that up. But...
So l had me hand luggage there,
but l also had my motorcycle helmet
because l was gonna hire a bike
in New Zealand.
And l said to the woman, ''There's me case,
l've got me hand luggage,
''and l've got this motorcycle
helmet, thanks very much.''
And l was about to walk off
and she went ''Ah! One bag!''
And l went ''What?''
And she went ''One carry-on bag only.''
And l went ''That's me bag,
that's just a helmet, motorcycle helmet,
''doesn't weigh much, not gonna take up
much room, we'll overlook that one.''
And l went to walk... ''Ah! One...bag!''
And l was a bit stumped,
cos my case had already gone,
so l couldn't put it in there, l couldn't leave it
cos l needed it in New Zealand,
it wouldn't fit in the bag,
and l didn't know what to do,
and l just half-jokingly said...
''Can l wear it?''
And you know what she said?
She said l could wear my hel...
l said ''Are you serious?''
She went ''Well, it's sort of a hat, isn't it?''
So l put me motorcycle helmet on,
in the airport,
and walked through to the customs area
like this
with a helmet on.
But l'm so used to wearing it
on my motorbike,
l fastened it up.
l fastened my helmet up.
Safety first!
What l should've done was,
l should've put it on, fastened it,
flipped me visor down
and gone ''Waaaaaah!''
You can't have people wa...
ln this day and age, with terrorism,
you can't have people wearing helmets.
l looked like the most obvious terrorist
you've ever seen in your life.
lt's like l was getting on the plane going
''That's right, my friend!
''l am going to hijack the plane
and crash it into the side of a building!
''But l will be fine.''
lt's ridiculous.
And then l get to New Zealand,
and the woman at passport control...
And normally l have a bit of a laugh
at passport control
because l've got my passport, and you're
not allowed to smile in your photo,
you have to be serious,
so what l did was l gelled my hair up
and l went...
Cos that's not a smile, that's a frown, that.
And what l do, right, is l walk up,
and l hand over my passport, right,
and they look down like that,
and just before they look up, l do this...
And they go ''Ah, yeah, that's you.''
And l go...
Well, sadly, the woman in New Zealand
didn't find that quite as funny
as she might have done.
She looked at my passport,
and she looked at my occupation,
cos you've got to fill in your occupation,
said ''comedian'', right?
Usually, that's enough.
And she looks at it, and she looks up,
and she goes...
''Comedian?'' And l'm like that.
And l couldn't believe this,
the cheek of this woman, she went...
''Tell me a joke.''
(He groans)
l thought, ''You're opening a can of worms
here, love, to be honest.''
An hour later, she's there going,
''Oh, is there any chance of an interval?
''Could l just... Just a little.''
And ''Blah, blah, blah.''
And l said ''Well, not really, not here now,
''l'm not gonna, you know, with the...
''You should come and see the show.''
Right? And you know what she said?
She went...
''How much are the tickets?
l said ''l don't know. l get in for free.''
You know?
lt's one of the perks of the job.
She went ''Tell me a joke!''
l'm going ''Are you serious?
You still want me to tell you a joke?''
She went ''Tell me a joke.''
l thought, ''This is a nightmare.''
Does she make everyone that comes into
New Zealand prove what they do?
l wish l'd written camel trainer.
You know? ''Go on, then, train me a camel.''
''All right, then.''
Heqta! Khey! Khey!
Camels dancing round the airport like that.
''Bloody hell, he does train camels well,
doesn't he?''
The, er... l was in a cab yesterday,
and l said to the cab driver,
he went ''This isn't my normal job.''
And l said ''What's your normal job?''
And what he was trying to say...
Like, he was Russian or something. And he
was trying to say ''l teach horses dressage.''
But he couldn't... He didn't know the word.
l said ''What's your normal job?''
And he went...
''l make horses do unusual movements.''
What the hell is that?
Whack 'em with a bit of bamboo?
Just get the blacksmith
to put springy shoes on them.
''Blimey, that whore's... That horse is doing
an unusual movement.''
l just said ''That whore's
doing an unusual...''
Oh, dear. No, that's what they should do
to cut down on streetwalkers,
they should force them
to have springy shoes on.
Just an idea. The, er...
l didn't know whether he meant
movements as in...
You know. l don't know how you do that.
Feed them different types of food and stuff.
That'd be a horse whisperer, wouldn't it?
lf he whispered a shape
and the horse could actually do it.
Do you know what l mean? Just...
(Whispering) Do one that comes out
the shape of an Oscar.
Whoomph. ''Blimey,
that's an unusual movement.''
''l'd like to thank my family,
like to thank God...''
Anyway, so this woman's going
''Tell me a joke!''
And l was racking my brains and
so l thought ''l'll just see what comes out.''
(Whispering) Not a good idea.
Said, er...
''How many customs officers does it take
to change a light bulb?''
Now, with hindsight, l should have learned
from the strip-search experience in Dubai.
But l didn't.
And she looked at me and she went
''l don't know.
''How many customs officers
does it take to change a light bulb?''
Well, l don't know either,
l was just winging it.
And l was quite pleased
with what l came out...
Well, l'm pleased with
what l came up with now.
At the time, not so much.
And this is what l said, l went...
She went ''Tell me a joke!''
''How many customs officers
does it take to change a light bulb?''
She said ''l don't know.''
''How many customs officers
does it take to change a light bulb?''
To which l said...
''l don't know either, but it must be
difficult to change light bulbs
''when you've got your hand
up someone's arse.''
(Mimics crowd roaring)
And l'm pleased to inform you that l am free
of prostate cancer, so that's all good.
Anyway, listen, go and have an interval,
do what you have to do,
use the toilet, win a wolf,
l'll see you back here in 15 minutes' time.
- (Cheering)
- (# Heavy rock)