Rottentail (2018) Movie Script
1
[rock music]
Hello, bunny.
My brother Mikey!
Don't "brother" me.
Where's the rest of my order?
Jack back now, co-jack.
It hasn't come in yet.
I need a wolverine.
I'm not a super store.
And with all the animal
activists snooping around
out there,
this shit ain't easy.
You smoke weed
and run a pet shop.
What's so hard about that?
Bogus, brother.
I can take this fluffy
tail straight back.
No!
Crispy.
-Later gator.
-I need a wolverine.
Climb it, Tarzan.
Yeah, sure.
[rock music continues]
Um, can you get the door?
Aw, man. Why don't
you do it yourself?
Okay.
You work here?
Do I have to fucking do--
everything?
Hello, Mike.
Where is my--
-wolverine?
-Um, they...
They haven't come yet.
I'm good.
[singing]
That's for Peter.
Peter? Peter's a waste of space!
Everybody knows
I'm the true genius!
You get me what I need,
so I can show these
fools the power of my creation.
[sinister music]
[growling]
Marshmallow.
Now, get me my wolverine.
Mike! Mikey-Mike! Mike Obama!
Did you get my new rabbits?
Please tell me you did.
I think I may have
finally perfected my serum.
I need my rabbits.
I've got to test it on them,
'cause we may be kissing
infertility goodbye forever!
No. They didn't come in yet.
Mike. I really need
those rabbits, buddy.
You and I are not bros.
-I said buddies.
-No, I don't like you.
You are a waste of time.
Well, what about
the sign on my door?
It says 'storage'.
It's obviously a laboratory.
Can we get that changed?
Talk to Dr. Lopez.
Dr. Lopez, okay. Aces.
Hey, Mike. Want to go
to lunch sometime?
No!
It's going to work.
-I know it's going to work.
-[growling]
No!
Is that a Spectrometer 4000?
Get out of dodge!
How come I don't
have one of these things?
I could get so
much more work done.
-[growling]
-Unbelievable.
Hey.
They had rabbits in here.
Definitely here.
This one was pregnant.
Oh!
Hello?
Is someone down there?
[low growling]
[heartbeats]
Holy Moses. Oh.
Oh, what have we done to you?
Oh, my--Oh.
Hey. Hey little fella.
Hi, hey. How are you?
I'll help you.
Ow, ow, ow.
It's okay.
I just got to figure out
how to turn this doohickey off.
Dr. Stanley's an animal!
But you--Oh, not you. Not you.
Not an animal.
I'm Dr. Cotton. I'll get
you out of here I promise.
I'm going to take
you somewhere nice and safe.
Oh, I wonder
how old you are now?
I'm sure you're...
[dramatic music]
[yelling]
Let go! Let go! I'm your friend!
I'm your friend! Let go of me!
[bubbling]
[groans]
[coughs]
[heartbeats]
[growling]
[man groans]
Oh.
Peter Cotton.
Was a special kid, he was.
A little nerdy, though. Just
like his father, James Cotton.
Now he's a lab rat.
Tested feminine products
on furry little animals.
Put lady lips on monkey feet.
It was a called a respectable
job back in the atomic age.
Such a wannabee,
hippity, happy family they were.
Little Peter's story
starts back in the 10th grade
when his best
friend was murdered!
[bell rings]
[upbeat music]
[thunders]
Peter.
Very good job this year.
-I expected no less.
-Thank you, Principal Myers.
Excellent.
-Hey, dork.
-Ow!
You looking at my girl?
Uh, what?
No. No, Jake. I was just--
You know, Petey.
Ever since you moved
to Easter Falls,
you've bene a real cheese eater.
Yeah, cheese eater.
-Jake, leave the kid alone.
Shut up,
and don't talk
until after I talk to you.
-Oh, don't touch him!
-Hey, you heard him.
You got some balls,
or what, kid?
Ow!
This damn rabbit bit my finger!
Thomas, Larry, grab this dork.
Hey, Jake. Come on,
let's just go.
It'll be fine, okay?
Ain't nobody talking to you.
Hey, come on.
Don't do that to her!
Oh, no! Jake, don't hurt him!
-He's a harmless animal.
-Harmless?
Mandy, is this thing harmless?
-Uh-uh.
-Oh, man!
I can see the bone!
This, this thing
is a dangerous animal.
It's a monster.
And you know what we do
to monsters in Easter Falls?
-Do you?
-No.
We kill monsters.
-No, please.
-A monster.
-Kill the monster.
-Please, man. Come on.
[chanting] Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Kill the monster!
-Come on, man.
[laughs]
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Kill the monster.
-[laughing]
-Kill the monster.
-Please stop!
My side's hurting.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Please!
-[squeaking]
[crack]
[crowd gasps]
Oh, man.
Now, remember. I hate monsters.
Stay the hell away from my girl!
-Hey!
-It Principal Myers!
Peter.
-Who did this, Peter.
-Leave me alone.
Everyone just leave me alone.
Peter, wait.
[sad music]
Anna...
banana... bo-bana...
[indistinct television chatter]
Well, 20 years later,
not much has changed.
At least, not yet that is.
[laughs]
[crying]
[indistinct yelling]
[gags]
I'm looking for
a town called Despair!
[retching]
[music on TV]
Who's here to save you?
Who? I can't here you!
That's right!
Head to Jake Mulligan.
Praise the lord!
[rock music]
[clapping]
[cheering]
God bless you! God bless you!
Bless you.
Oh, Reverend.
I need you to heal me.
I love you, my man!
In Jesus' name, you're healed!
Whoop! Hallelujah!
[announcer] And welcome
to Mulligan Ministries.
Coming to you live from
the mountain top on high.
And now introducing
Pastor Jake Mulligan!
[singing]
I'm so glad
to be here today with ya'll.
Now, as my worldwide
book tour comes to an end,
I need to thank you
for the hospitality
that you've shown me.
Now, it's my turn.
Jesus, I'm so excited
to tell them right now.
I'm so excited.
It's my turn
to give back to you.
With a brand new chapel
and outreach center
that god is building
in my hometown of Easter Falls!
-Hallelujah.
-[girls] Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah.
-[girls] Hallelujah!
Whoop! Praise Jesus.
-[all] Praise Jesus.
-Now, to quote Jesus,
we're going to replace
the old with the new.
Ten thousand
square feet of Holiness.
Now with your
donations coming in,
we will break ground
this Easter weekend
with a special
Sunday devotional.
Now, I got to get
a little bit serious here.
Now, your donations,
they're pouring in,
and we're grateful,
god loves you.
But god needs more money.
-God is knocking.
-[knocking]
Are you going to deny god?
Or are you going
to open your heart
and open your wallet,
and help all of god's
little children?
[coughing]
Come here, Cameron.
Please help us,
-so god blesses all of you.
-Oh, come on!
[tense music]
Poop.
[television chatter]
Oh, come on!
Stupid pizza!
...is just a phone call away.
[laughing]
[squeaking]
[yelling]
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Whoop! I'm excited.
Are you excited?
Ginger?
Ginger!
Ginger? Ginger,
hey. I'm so sorry.
[phone rings]
Spazzy asshole's
one-room crap hole.
-Peter?
-Hello?
- Uh, hey.
-Anna?
Pete, I'm sorry to call you so
late, but I'm in town tomorrow.
Would you care for a coffee?
Um.
Yes, yes! I mean, sure.
I mean, maybe. I have a--
If you're busy, you know--
No, no, no, no. I mean, I am.
I'm working, but, uh,
I'll move things around.
Anything for you, Anna.
Okay. So Harlow's Caf? Nine?
Harlow's, nine, uh,
I will be there or be square.
[Anna laughs] Okay, bye.
Hey, it was really
great to hear your voice.
Oh, my god. It is so good.
Stupid reunions.
[stomach grumbles]
[gags]
[retches]
[farts]
[mumbling]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Shit!
Operator.
Hello, US army, please.
Happen to have the number?
No, I don't have the number!
-Please hold.
-Thank you.
[music]
-United States army.
-Hello, yes. This is Dr. Stanley
from lab 6516.
You're going
to need to send help.
What kind of help
you looking for, son?
Send everyone.
So what I was saying
is that Safran's son is a direct
manifestation of Hamlet
in terms of plot
and character structure.
So what did you
do before enlisting?
English professor.
-Tenure?
-I got laid off.
That figures.
[loud rumbling]
What was that?
Let's check this out.
-Are you sure?
-It's our job. Come on.
Alright.
What the hell happened
in here? The cage is open.
The cages are damaged.
They're probably still
in here. Might be hurt.
You okay in there?
There's something in here!
[heart beats]
Come out, little rabbit.
Get back in your cage.
[growling]
-[growls]
-Holy shit!
[yelling]
Hey.
[chewing]
[roars]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
[screams]
[dramatic music]
[Phelps]
This is General Phelps.
I want a two-mile radius.
Nothing gets in or out
but authorized personnel.
Start the slaughter.
[tires screech]
[rooster]
[pop music]
[slurping]
[slurping continues]
Can I get you anything?
More agua, granny!
I'm Gobi Desert parched!
What's wrong with you?
I mean, I'm so sorry.
Just some more water.
[groans]
Oh, Anna! Hey!
Anna!
Hi, Peter.
You just are--I mean, wow!
-How are you?
-Uh,
-I can't believe I'm seeing you.
-Yeah.
-I got you coffee.
-Oh, thank you!
Yeah, I'm just drinking water
because I'm just
really thirsty right now.
I got you some eggs and toast.
No bacon because we don't want
to harm our little hoof friends.
Thank you.
And radishes! I need radishes!
You okay?
Yes. I've just been
under a lot of pressure
with this job that I'm doing.
Working, like 20-hour days,
you know?
What project?
Well, I can't really talk about
it because it's top secret.
[exclaims]
[exclaims]
-How's Darla?
-That filthy whore!
She was working
at a retail store.
She got together
with the manager of it.
And she left me.
So we're not together any more.
I'm sorry. That's heinous.
It happens.
It was really nice
of you to come all this way.
Um, well, actually, I'm just
here because of, you know,
Jake Mulligan's outreach center
he's building in Easter Falls.
You still talk to him?
No. We got divorced.
I hate him!
He's trying to demolish
my grandfather's church
and turn it into this
new studio for his ministry.
That is crazy! I mean, that
church has been there forever.
-Since before the town even!
-I know!
And it was granted historical
status, but he bribed someone
at the registrar's office,
and they changed the date
that they said it was built.
Such a flaming douche!
So the reunion is tonight.
Yeah, I hope the entire
gym collapses on them.
Unless you're there.
If you're there,
I don't want that to happen.
No, you have to go with me.
To Easter Falls High?
Yes!
-No.
-Yes!
-I can't.
-You have to!
I cannot do that.
He killed my best friend.
My only friend.
But that's all the more
reason why we have to sneak
into the registrar's office
while everyone
is at the reunion
and prove that Jake is a fraud!
I need you to be my wingman.
Your wingman?
I've never been a wingman.
[tense music]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hello?
My stomach hurts now.
I need to hit
the toilet for a moment.
If you don't mind, I, uh, um...
-Are you okay?
-I will be!
What the heck is that?
I've never seen
anything like it!
What on earth is wrong with me?
[whistling]
-Hey, want some crabs?
-Oh, shit!
I got these from the kitchen.
I'm not talking about the kind
you eat either!
Oh, god! I must
be losing my mind!
I got to get out of here!
Hey. Um, sorry.
Uh, I really, really, really,
got to get back to the lab.
Something very important came
up. I'm going to have to go.
But will you come tonight?
I mean, this kind of
scandal will crush a man of god.
Oh, yes. I will.
-Anything for you.
-I'll see you at seven.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
You'll see me.
I'll be there. I'll at
the thingy to do the thingy.
Oh!
Oh, bananas.
What do I do?
What's happening to me?
Okay.
[yells in pain]
Holy Moses.
That came out of me?
[bubbling]
[tense music]
[glass shatters]
Impossible.
[crunching]
[groans]
[yells]
[retching]
[yelling]
Peter Cocken?
-It's Cotton.
-Whatever.
I need you to get with the
gettin' while the gettin's good.
I'd get with that, sir,
if I knew what that meant.
Means move this ward
down Victory Road.
Oh, Victory Road.
Is that in this neighborhood?
I've never heard of it.
I need your god damn serum, son.
Oh, the serum. Uh...
But there's some
problems with that.
I would suggest not.
And why not?
May I ask the general, sir,
why's he's interested
in fertility serum?
=Do you know who I am?
-General Phelps.
Which makes the mother fucker
that don't have to disclose
shit to you about why I want
something other than the fact
that I want it.
And you will get shit done,
'cause I'm also the mother
fucker that if I tell
your mother fucking ass to jump,
your mother fucking ass
better be spring loaded,
ready to jump off the
mother fucking building!
Yes, sir, General Dingle Dorf.
You really don't dick
around with me, son.
I'll cut your balls off,
stuff them up both
nostrils and make you eat shit
while I'm doing it.
Oh, that's disgusting.
News update!
-We're going dark
-Dark?
Dark. No on in or out
until Project MR is complete.
General, I don't have
any projects called MR.
And you!
-Cocken.
-Cotton.
Whatever.
I'd like to try
some of that serum.
Oh, uh, I have to warn
you some of my test subjects
had erections
for more than two weeks
after multiple stimulations.
You played with rabbit dick?
Um...
-Yes, sir.
-You're sick.
My jet fuel.
Uh...
Your jet fuel, sir.
Your jet fuel.
Good.
Very good.
-Uh, Dr. Lopez? I--
-Not now, Peter. Later.
Later, Peter. Later!
Later. Peter, later!
General!
What are these?
Oh, oh! So sharp!
-Nightmare rabbit!
-[farts]
Oh, I feel the mother-load.
I'm not going to make it!
[farting]
I'm not going to make it!
I'm not going to make it!
There she blows!
Oh, bogus!
[yells]
I can't take it. Somebody help!
Oh!
Whiskery, isn't it?
[yells in pain]
Oh, my back!
Oh, what do you care?
You're spineless anyway.
You don't stop me now.
It's rabbit time!
[yells]
Stop whimpering
you little wussy!
The ladies are going
to love this!
I got to get to the lab!
Lopez, researching rabbits
so that people can screw longer?
Hell... no.
But... Still donkey dick.
I couldn't agree more.
Hit the lights.
My god. Mike! That's Mike!
I don't want to kill
your assistant, Lopez.
The way I see it,
everyone should do their
duty for god and country.
Amen to that.
We outfitted the MR with
a brain manipulation device.
-That's impossible.
-Hardly.
Start the test.
[computer beeping]
[machine whirring]
[growling]
[heart beats]
[roaring]
[yelling]
America the beautiful.
[roars]
Major, find out how to make
more of these things ASAP.
Yes, sir.
Oh, boy.
I really am a genius.
Now, if you all excuse me,
I have a date with destiny.
Please get out of my head!
[farts]
It's my head now!
[film rolling]
Talking 'bout Jesus
Oh, Jesus
Hi. Pastor Jake Mulligan
with Mulligan Ministries.
This weekend is a very special
weekend. It's Easter Weekend.
So I'm running
a special on baptism.
It's only 19.95 per person.
All day Sunday,
only 19.95 per person.
Half price for midgets,
children, and retards.
What do you think about that?
Alright, son. Come here.
Do you take Jesus Christ
as your lord and savior?
Oh, lord. Yes, I do.
-Hallelujah.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Alright! Now Jesus Christ,
there you are.
How are you going to get saved?
How are you going to get healed?
How are you going to go
to heaven for only 19.95.
Tell me that. Ain't no way!
And if ain't baptized,
you're going to hell.
And that's a fact!
Power to Jesus Christ! 19.95,
that's all there is to it.
Uh, son?
He said he could hold
his breath for two minutes.
What's going on? Son?
Son, are you alright?
Anyway, this weekend only.
Use the special 19.95.
Come on in! 19.95! 19.95!
Can somebody get this
guy off of set, please?
Harry! What took you so long?
Daddy's home.
He has a surprise for you.
You know I love surprises.
Daddy's got some jet fuel, baby.
And this time, my rocket's
going to blast off.
Look at that.
Guaranteed to last for hours.
Maybe even days.
No, no, no, no!
I'll have you pounded for
everything you've done here.
-This is the work of a mad man!
-[laughs]
You have no idea
what I've done here!
And now using
the mind control device,
I can increase
the MR's homicidal tendencies
by 200 percent!
'Cause I am a genius!
Shit!
No, no, no, no!
No! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Smooth move.
Smooth move, genius!
[growls]
[growling]
[roars]
Sound the alarm!
[yells]
Daddy's home.
[alarm sounds]
What in daddy's
dick is going on?
[phone dials]
-Hello?
-Yeah, this is General Phelps.
[yelling over phone line]
-[muffled] Where are you going?
-Stay here.
Hey, babe.
Daddy's got to handle some shit.
[yelling]
Oh, my foot! No!
What's happening to me?
Oh, god! My serum!
You! Dr. Stanley, you--
Thank you, Dr. Stanley.
Finally, you did
something good for me.
I need my serum!
I've got to have more
around here somewhere!
You're never going
to get that serum!
I'm here now!
I don't want to change!
I don't want to change!
I don't--Oh, god!
Please!
Hello? Operator?
-Get me a--
-A veterinarian!
Oh, help me!
It's over now, Peter.
[laughing maniacally]
[indistinct]
[soldiers] Are there
any survivors down there?
Are there any
survivors down there?
We are coming to help you.
We have the building
in lockdown. Do not move.
[tense music]
Shit.
[growling]
Identify yourself.
I said identify yourself,
god dammit.
[growling]
It's out! It's out!
[gunshot]
You damn pussy!
Never run from a fight.
Oh, shit!
Oh, for real?
[yelling]
And I'll kill you, bitch!
No!
Stop! Don't hurt my bunny!
Cocken? Is that you?
No, Cotton's gone.
It's Rotten tail now!
What the fuck
is wrong with you, pussy?
My friend!
See? That's why guys
like me loath guys like you.
-Please stop!
-We get all the hot bitches,
and you go home to jack off
rabbits to fantasy island.
I like fantasy island!
Say goodbye
to your little friend.
No!
Go back to your lab.
I got a mess to clean up.
This is General Phelps.
Where the hell is Major Donald?
[yelling]
Bunny strong!
-Bunny!
-What the fuck?
[yelling]
Feels like choking the chicken,
doesn't it,
General Dingle Dorf, huh?
That's what I call
getting some head!
[laughs]
Oh! Oh, look at that.
Oh, how sad!
Another "fallen soldier."
Wait.
I smell a wilting rose.
Looks like your
destiny is my destiny now!
[muffled]
Help.
Help!
Who am I?
Well, I am your new honey bunny.
The general has gone AWOL,
and he left me in charge.
[laughs]
Really? It's that small?
Um, perhaps we
need a snake charmer.
It does resemble two
blueberries right now.
Let's do it bunny style.
Flip over like a pancake!
That was only
round one! Ding, ding!
Round two!
[laughing]
Of course, I remember you.
Really?
No. I mean, are you
sure you went to this school?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Watch your head, Ted.
[laughs]
This ought to liven
things up, don't you think?
You'll never get away with this.
Well, it looks
like I already did.
My grandfather's church
is a historical monument!
Well, now. It's not
on the registry, is it?
You made Ted
change those records.
He would do anything for you!
Now, Ted is a loyal
follower, that's true.
But he would
never do such a thing.
Anna?
Looking good.
-Wow!
-Hey, Thomas. Be cool.
-Show the lady some respect.
-Jake!
Oh, Jake!
This party sucks.
I just spiked the punch,
so things should be
kicking in any minute.
Oh, gag me with a spoon.
Oh, hey, Anna.
Good to see you're
still looking about 12.
Better than 50.
Anyways.
-Oh, now. That's naughty.
-Right?
Cut that out.
Alright. We'll see
you later, Anna.
Jake, I'm going to stop you.
My grandfather's
church will not fall.
Ain't no one going
to stop my empire.
Go on, get in the way,
and they'll all be
talking about the lake.
What lake?
The lake they found
your dead body in.
See ya.
[chuckles]
Peter, where are you?
Channel 69 finally
knocked you out, did it?
That's what happens
when you put a light weight up
with this heavy weight.
Who's here to save you?
Hallelujah! Praise the lord!
Hello, I'm Pastor Jake
of Mulligan Ministries.
You know, I'd like to do right
now is get personal with you
if that's okay.
Why don't we bring it in?
Who the hell is this?
Are you feeling alone?
Are you feeling like
you want to get out of here,
or escape?
Retain your inner monster?
I know how you feel--
My nemesis is on the premises!
Let me exorcise
the demons from your flesh.
[groans]
All you got to do is
pick up the phone right now.
Just pick up
that phone and call--
I guess Easter Falls
is calling after all.
It's okay if you want to cry.
Camouflage, perfect.
They'll never see me in this.
[rips]
-Oh, darn fingernails.
Oh. Going to need a pedicure.
Ugh, I'm late.
I'm late for a
very important date.
Got to get off, toots.
[glass shatters]
[investigative music]
[tense music]
Nothing like a smoke.
I feel like a million bucks.
I want to go spin myself.
Someone's coming
up the elevator.
Dean, join two. You stay here.
Happy to.
[elevator dings]
No wonder that moron
Peter always took the stairs.
This darn thing takes forever.
[tense music]
They should put
on some decent elevator music.
This is pitiful!
[snoring]
[snoring]
[elevator dings]
Finally!
-[groans]
-Freeze!
Oh.
I don't assume you got
any pharmacy around here.
-Shut up!
-Oh, I'm surrounded by
a bunch of dipsticks.
What are you?
Well, I am like holiday session.
But for you ignorant humans,
that means that
I am a rabbit man.
I mean, not like a rabbit man,
but a rabbit man!
Shut up and come
out with your hands up!
Raise my hands? Oh,
we're raising the roof, huh?
I do like to boogie!
And in fact, my favorite
thing to do is...
Does big baby want a bottle?
Anyone else? Anyone?
Told you!
You're are so
awesome, Rotten tail.
What the hell was that?
Yeah, no. I thought
I'd be home by now.
That's okay.
Just put my dinner in the
fridge and I'll warm it up.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you when I get home.
[indistinct muttering continues]
[music continues]
I love you, too.
Yeah, have a glass of wine.
-Do that, too.
-[exclaims]
[singing]
I gotta go!
Get on the horn.
I want everybody on the horn.
[rap music]
Hello?
That's right. Get 'em
out here. Everybody.
Everybody.
[song continues]
[thunder]
[thunder rumbling]
[song continues]
[laughing]
[laughing]
[growling]
Oh, she's a naughty girl!
-Hey.
-What?
What are you going
to do about that bitch, Anna?
Look, she files
a complaint with the state.
She says we're destroying
a historical building.
Well, you are.
I need the land, dammit!
It's sitting on top of
the largest gold deposit
in all the south-west.
We're trying to build a church.
Dammit! How many
times have I told you?
You don't listen!
You do too much cocaine.
Now listen to
me when I tell you.
Here's what we're
gonna do. Remember this.
Break ground
discover gold
-praise god!
-Praise god!
-Praise god!
-I think you're killing her.
[exclaims]
[splashing]
She's all right.
You all right down there?
You all right?
[girl panting]
You OK?
All right, it's all right.
[girl panting]
Let's get down one more time.
Baptism! Baptism!
[splash]
[laughing dementedly]
So praise god, right?
-Praise god.
-Praise god!
And we're gonna have a brand-new
broadcast center. That's right!
And there's
no way I'm gonna relocate.
[spits]
to Easter Falls.
This place is a shithole.
[demented laughter]
-Praise god.
-[laughing continues]
Hey, take these for the trip.
[demented laughter]
-Watch it.
-[laughter continues]
Boss?
-What's up?
-You need to come see this. Now.
It better be important!
Shit. All right,
let me get my beer.
I'll see you later,
honey. Just stay right here!
[demented laughter]
This better be good!
Shit. I feel a
little sick to my stomach.
Throw up.
[laughing dementedly]
[heavy metal music continues]
Hey, ladies.
[music ends abruptly]
[motorbike engine]
Ah, come on!
Get there faster
on the back of a snail!
[mosquito buzzing]
[slap]
[exclaims]
[grunts]
Right in the eyeball. Wow.
[car horn]
Huh? Who's that?
What do you want?
[car horn]
-Huh? Oh yeah. Go round.
-[car horn]
Go on, go around me.
[car horn]
Hey! Go around me!
Jerk off!
[car horn]
-Whoa!
-[car horn]
Get rocks, soldier!
Sit on it! Spin!
Oh, oh, oh!
[motorbike engine]
[muttering]
[thunder rumbling]
Now you know.
[grunts]
Now, come on, Ted.
Didn't I tell you to get
rid of that mineral survey?
I can't destroy City documents!
That would be lying,
and lying is a sin.
"Lying's a sin."
Oh, sin, huh?
[chuckles]
What, and changing the date on
the construction of the church?
What was that?
Sit down.
God told us to do that
when we spoke to him.
What does it matter
what's under the ground?
[dramatic crash]
Everything, Ted!
[soft ominous music]
[chuckles]
Now there are
agents of the devil.
Demons!
And they are out to destroy us.
You understand me?
And she is a demon!
[music continues]
She don't look like a demon...
Oh, she don't look like a demon?
How do you know?
You ever seen one?
Huh? Oh, you never seen one?
Then how do you know?
I'm sorry, Pastor.
Ted.
We, we've been on
a lot of hunting trips together
haven't we?
-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.
Why!
-Are you failing me?
-Uhh...
-I...
-What?
I what?
I don't know!
Oh, Ted.
Now that was the wrong answer.
You believe in Jesus, right?
[music continues]
Make sure you
tell him I say hello.
[gunshot]
[splatter]
[grunts]
Whoo!
Goddamn!
Where's his head?
[blood spurting]
[laughing dementedly]
Look at that!
Get out of my way! Look it here!
-It's clean gone!
-Holy sh--
Whoo! Look at that!
You ever seen that before?
Goddamn, I've
never seen that before!
Whoo!
-It's a magic trick!
-Some pretty fucked-up shit.
Hey, he knew too much.
It was time for him to go.
Who's gonna
fucking clean this up?
You're gonna clean it up.
You're gonna take care of this
and find a nice
lake for the body.
You! I want you to go
get Anna and the documents.
Tie her up in the
basement of the church.
And, oh, make sure she wears
something real nice and pretty.
Low-cut like there.
[unsettling piano music]
Look here! Look at that!
There's still, there's
still blood coming out!
Goddamn!
[motorbike engine]
[unsettling music continues]
[engine sputtering]
Oh.
What?
Come on.
[groans]
Dang it!
I'm out of gas!
[screaming]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[soft reggae music]
Man, I'm telling you.
Sitting at the desk...
[inhales]
reading the paper...
Delta Forces run in
fully loaded to the max, man.
And then, boom!
The elevator door pops open.
This huge bunny man pops out
kicks all their asses, man.
I mean, he takes
them down, AK47s and all.
One minute he's there,
one minute he's not.
There is no such
thing as a bunny man.
-What?
-It was a real bunny man, man!
That is one crazy story!
I wish I was there for it.
[laughs]
It's the bunny man, man!
[screaming]
What the fuck?
[screaming continues]
Where'd everybody go?
Something I said?
[reggae music continues]
Oh, funky.
[dramatic organ music]
[thunder rumbling]
[metallic tapping]
I'll show the world...
what a genius I really am.
[metallic clatter]
Stupid Lopez.
Heh!
There is absolutely nothing.
Yes.
[muttering indistinctly]
Stanley, I've been
looking all over for you.
What are you doing in the attic?
Play with my toys.
Waiting for electrical storms.
I don't know. I just need power!
Power is the key!
We've accounted for all of our
staff, except for Peter Cotton.
Ah, he's probably dead anyway.
Good riddance.
It's a complete waste of space
but boy, do I love this serum!
Did Phelps a treat or two.
I don't think so.
Oh god.
-[exasperated sigh]
-Kind of busy here.
[mixtures bubbling]
That dirty rotten s.o.b. was
trying to steal
the glory for himself!
We want orders to take him out.
Yes.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, I don't-
I need to study him.
Yeah, I mean, I need to
understand what happened.
So I can stabilize the...
change...
Or else, if we don't,
you know, he might mutate
beyond anyone's control...
[dramatic organ music]
Yeah... mmm...
Turn lucid and...
kill everyone in his sight.
[exclaims]
You know,
if I had a couple of weeks
some time
to study him
maybe I can bring old
Phelpsie back to life...
Afraid that's not possible.
Orders are orders.
And Peter Cotton's a dead man.
[dramatic music]
Or everyone else.
Damn, dammit, dammit.
[wet squish]
[car engine]
[maniacal laughter]
Hey! I'm coming for you!
Jakester...
[maniacal laughter]
Wait a second.
Wonder what Anna's up to.
Maybe I should see her.
Might be able to
catch her in a g-string.
[maniacal laughter]
Left turn!
[tires squealing]
[maniacal laughter]
[car engine roaring]
But he's been going
around and lying to everyone!
I know! This was never about
the church.
This was about gold, Mom.
[slow music]
You look so... pretty tonight.
[laughs]
Ohh, I'd like to
eat you like a carrot.
[growling]
Wait!
[soft tense music]
Lost a pussy, but...
Lost in this fucking leotard!
Fuck!
[muttering]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[Anna on phone] You
need to broaden your horizons.
[surprised shout]
Uhh, could you just
hold on for one sec?
[soft tense music]
[sighs]
False alarm.
It's just my asshole neighbors.
OK. All right.
[door closes]
[music continues]
[sighs]
Well, how was the reunion?
Well, huh, huh...
Let me tell you, it was
great.
Peter stood me up.
Mom, no! I don't like him.
I'm, I'm with Bob.
[police siren in background]
Bob is my boyfriend,
and he has a name.
I know you hate cops.
[police siren]
OK, Mom. Well, I'm gonna
I'm gonna hit the hay.
[tender music]
[low growl]
Bobby, Bobberino!
[music continues]
[bangs on door]
If I chopped
her arms and legs off
and threw you in the
ocean, I'd still call you Bob.
Hey, baby.
I gotta go.
Look at what I got ya.
Stealing my
chocolate Easter bunny!
I'm coming for you, Bobby Bob!
I gotta tell you something.
[kissing]
[door closes]
[groans]
[groans]
Oh, I gotta get out of there.
[car engine starts]
[tires squealing]
[fast-paced song]
Oh, my head.
I can't take it.
[groaning]
[car engine roaring]
[song continues]
You know what I want boy?
You son of a traitor!
[tires squealing]
[song continues]
[impact]
[grunts]
Quiet here!
Got work to do.
Back in town, your rodents and
I are here to make a change!
[laughing]
[car engine roaring]
[tires squealing]
Ha, I guess we're
early, but first, oh well
I'll improvise.
Tommy boy, let's go!
[soft tense music]
[coughing]
[coughing]
Wakey, wakey!
[chuckles]
I said wakey!
[grunts]
Jesus Christ!
Is he here too, oh?
Oh, oh, oh!
-You are referring to me, huh?
-[Thomas whimpers]
Yes, uhh, uhh, we do bear a s-
striking resemblance, don't we?
Only, he died
for our sins
and I
am going to kill you
[Thomas whimpers]
for yours!
[Thomas whimpers]
Tommy Tom!
[Thomas whimpers]
-You know my name?
-Oh.
Oh, you don't recognize me?
Have I changed that much?
Oh, maybe
I'll give you a hint, then, huh?
"Please don't kill my rabbit!"
[mocking sobs]
[ominous music]
[grunting]
It's not
the Peter
any more, huh?
And now I am rotten
to the core!
Rotten!
Rotten!
-Rottentail!
-[Thomas screams]
What kind of people do-?
-I hope you are hungry, Tommy.
-No, no, no!
Because I just laid these eggs
myself!
[impact]
[grunt]
[impact]
[grunt]
[grunting]
And these eggs!
Are definitely!
Not!
Made of!
Chocolate!
[wet squashing]
[shouting]
[wet squashing]
[ominous music continues]
[grunting]
Oh, my head's killing me.
[groaning]
Oh, god, I wish a dive-bar
I'll do a
a half-gain right into it.
[squealing tires]
[country song]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Hey, pal?
Just got my heart broken.
I need two slipperino
pulled in my mouth now.
[grunting]
Dude.
Why don't you
just take that mask off?
Oh god.
Been a rough night.
"Sex on the Beach"
should be great.
Listen, man...
You gotta take that mask off
or get the fuck out of the bar.
Fine, fine, fine. Just give me
uhh, three blow-jobs
and we'll call it a night.
-Listen, asshole-
-Hey!
You gotta take the mask--
[impact]
[grunts]
[impact]
I guess drinks are on the house!
[laughs evilly]
[patrons cheer]
Oh! Darts!
I love darts!
[dramatic organ music]
[thunder rumbling]
We will show all of them.
Show that Peter!
How would I-
[hissing]
[thunder rumbling]
[crash]
[organ music continues]
[equipment humming grows]
-It is time!
-[humming increases]
[lightning crashes]
[humming continues]
It is time, my friend!
Live!
Live!
[shouts]
[electric crackling]
[laughing dementedly]
[crackling continues]
[thunder crashing]
[laughing continues]
[crackling ends]
[thunder stops]
[exhales]
Gave you everything.
Everything I've got.
[electronic beeping]
Yes!
I need the power!
Everything!
Everything we have!
Yes.
[thunder crashing]
[organ music continues]
[electronic beeping]
[loud electrical hum]
Live for me!
Live, for me!
[loud electric crackling]
[organ music continues]
[thunder rumbling]
[car tires screeching]
[crashing]
[thunder crashing]
[sirens]
[alarm buzzing]
[electronic beeping]
Yes!
Oh, the lightning!
[whooping]
You're alive!
It's alive!
[laughs maniacally]
It's alive!
Yes!
[laughing]
[low roar]
Oh, Mr. Phelps,
you will have your revenge.
We will show that
rabbit who is boss!
And who's a genius around here!
[laughing maniacally]
[roaring continues]
[birdsong]
[rooster crowing]
[birdsong]
[groaning]
Oh, my head!
Ah, Easter Falls, I'm coming!
Oh, Easter will never be
the same when I'm done with you!
Just need a...
few more minutes of sleep here.
Little bitty nap.
[grunts]
[snoring]
[slow upbeat piano music]
What are those? Easter eggs?
I think it's shit.
Oh god.
Do you have any enemies?
Yeah, you bet I do! The devil.
How many more stupid
questions I gotta answer?
Go find the killer.
Hey, padre, if you're
a little more respectful
this is gonna go a lot smoother.
OK, Sheriff Porky Pig.
[chuckling]
-Hey, asshole!
-Hey! Enough!
We have a big
dedication tonight.
We need to get going.
All right, I'm sorry. I forgot.
I'm rich. He's an asshole.
And you should do your job
make sure the
dedication is safe.
How's that sound?
Yeah, I'll work on that.
All right, Matlock. You do that.
I got people coming at ten.
Think someone's trying
to send us a message.
Let's say what we're gonna do,
we're gonna stick to the plan.
But...
we blow this place tonight.
You don't have a permit.
That's right.
You see, it's an accident.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
And, oh, lookee here!"
We've found gold!
I'll do some speaking in tongues
that'll impress 'em.
Now you get to work.
I want this
place leveled tonight.
Whatever you say, boss.
Get going.
[music continues]
[crows cawing]
What?
Oh my god! Your friend has died
and all you care about is gold?
-Asshole!
-Not just gold!
It's a billion
dollars' worth of gold.
Let's have some smiles!
All right? Dedication...
praise god...
-damn!
-Praise god!
Praise god. There you go.
Now get going. Let's go.
-Move!
-Praise god.
-Out the door!
-Praise god.
Come on, man. Let's go.
Get some of them,
uhh, Easter eggs.
[laughing]
Hey, don't touch that!
It's a turd!
Goddamn!
[slow tense music]
Hey, can we get
a coroner over here?
Sheriff...
[voice on radio]
You know it's Easter.
It's gonna be impossible
getting anybody
out there until tomorrow.
[floorboards creaking]
Oh! Busted!
Aha!
[impact]
[crash]
[laughing]
[breaking glass]
[laughing continues]
[wet sounds]
A little facial reconstruction.
[grunting]
[wet sounds]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Now that's how
you turn a two by four
into a two by gore!
[laughing maniacally]
Hey, wait a second.
This means Anna's single again.
Aces! Aces! Ha!
Heh? What's all the racket?
Oh!
Raffle, uhh...
[grunts]
Hate kids.
[upbeat carnival music]
[background chatter and noise]
That's too noisy.
Their festivities is killing me!
And I'm starving!
[music continues]
Oh yeah, you got that special--
Hey, Tim, sweetie!
[laughs]
Kids.
[laughs]
[background chatter]
[music continues]
Where is the Easter Bunny?
I want to see the Easter Bunny.
[background chatter]
[music continues]
Mommy,
where is the Easter Bunny?
[sniffing]
[soft tense music]
[sniffing continues]
Where is Jake?
[music continues]
Busy. Busy!
He's... he's busy, all right?
Listen, Coke-whore Barbie.
This is my grandfather's
church that you're desecrating!
That's not what the deed says!
We bought it...
uhh, so we own it. Not you.
[scuffling]
[grunting]
What the hell?
Uhh, happy Easter!
Yeah. OK. Whatever.
I was just passing through
on my way to take a poop.
This... Oh, OK. You know what?
[farting]
Thank goodness.
I was not gonna fit in
that fucking bunny suit--
Hello, Anna Banana.
It's the Easter Bunny!
[cheering]
[indistinct speaking]
Gross. Stinky.
Excuse you.
[muttering]
Wait. Wait, what are you doing?
Are you ready for
the Easter Bunny, kids?
[kids cheering]
It's easy. Just sit down, and
give them whatever they want.
-I have an appointment.
-Sit down!
Sit down. Just tell the brats
what they'd like to hear,
and then, uhh... you'll be done.
I'm gonna deal with you
later, I can promise you that.
I love Easter!
[grunting]
Go on, spit it out,
just don't get it on me.
I want a scooter for Easter.
-What?
-A scooter.
Scooter? You know the one
I crashed over on
the highway over there.
But my mom says I can
have anything I want.
Do I look like
Santa Claus to you, huh?
Go on, beat it.
Scram! By the way...
Hey, kid, Santa's not real.
[mocking chuckle]
Next!
Ohh, chocolate!
I want a new skateboard...
-Oh, you'll get nothing like it!
-Hey, that's mine!
[impact]
[cheering]
-Hey, what are you doing?
-I'm going on my lunch break.
Move out of the way.
[muttering]
[angry voices]
[muttering]
What the hell are
you doing, you bastard?
There's kids
out there waiting still.
Uhh, what, hey,
uhh... Tell you what?
Let's wrap this conversation up
have some fun, shall we?
Think what we're gonna do is
turn you into an Easter basket!
[shouting]
[impact]
[scream]
[growling]
[grunting]
-Bibbidy-bobbidy!
-[ripping sounds]
-Hey, come and go! Personal! Ha!
-[ripping continues]
-Uhh, no basket.
-[muffled grunts]
There we go.
Very different Hubby Bubby, huh?
[wet slash]
[muffled scream]
That's a lot of
blood for an airhead!
[maniacal laugh]
[impact on floor]
Oh.
Oh, probably
better bury this body.
Oh well.
-Rousing sermon.
-Oh, you liked it?
Yeah, especially the part about
liars being thrust down to hell.
[sighs]
Look, I wanna
do something special.
OK? For your grandfather.
I wanna do a dedication.
All right?
Please give me a chance.
I'm sorry about all this.
Can I just show you something?
I think you're gonna like it.
Please?
Come on? I bet you'll like it.
Come on in for a second.
Let me just, close this door...
What you did
this morning was sick!
I will give you
one last chance to walk away
before I call the FBI.
[impact]
[grunts]
Sorry, honey.
You're not going anywhere.
[wind blowing]
[eagle cry]
[wind blowing]
[slow footsteps]
[dramatic cowboy music]
[music continues]
[knuckles cracking]
[rustling]
[whooshing]
[grunts]
[impact]
[screaming]
[shouting]
[laughing]
Whoo!
[whooping]
[muffled shouts]
Hey, shut up!
[muffled shouts]
Shut up! Hey!
[muffled shouts]
Shut up!
Are you gonna scream
if I take off your tape?
[slow piano music]
All right.
[ripping]
[screams in pain]
-Fuck you!
-Hey! Better watch your mouth.
You get one of those, next
time I'll pop you in the face.
-You hear me?
-You didn't have to kill him.
I'm telling you,
I didn't kill him.
Somebody's been
knocking off my people.
And I found Thomas dead
his eyeballs ripped out,
shit stuffed in his face.
Peter.
You talking
about the Cotton kid?
No, it's a pro.
Looking to squirrel
the land from me before I do.
Listen to me, you prick!
Peter came back
into town for a reason.
He's still angry at you
for killing his bunny.
Well, shit.
That is a little weird.
What's his number?
-What?
-What's his telephone number?
Huh? We're gonna call him up.
We'll see what's going on.
-Five, five, five--
-Oh! Hey, slow down!
[music continues]
-Five.
-Five.
[telephone dial whirring]
-Five.
-Five.
-Five.
-Five.
-Seven.
-Seven.
-Four.
-Four.
Three, eight.
One at a time!
-Eight
-OK.
Star Chewing Gum,
how may I direct your call?
Oh yeah. Hello, uhh...
Peter Cotton, please?
Please hold.
OK. They put me on hold.
[music on telephone]
[click]
Hello.
- We need your exact location.
-Wow.
Oh, no.
[chuckles]
Who the hell is this,
uhh, demanding my location?
This is Major Ronald
Donnelly of the U.S. Army.
Oh. Well, Ronald, this is pastor
Jake Mulligan,
of Mulligan Ministries.
And I'm looking
for one Peter Cotton.
Now I got a friend here
says he's hopping around
our town causing trouble.
So I just want to prove
to her that he's in Phoenix
being a good boy.
I need your location!
-What?
- I need your location now.
It's a matter
of national security.
OK, OK, calm down.
I'm in Easter Falls!
[click]
[dial tone]
Hello?
Hello?
[cradles phone]
Shit. They hung up.
Thank you.
[cradles phone]
[slow tense music]
Little Peter Rabbit
is in Easter Falls.
Easter
Falls.
[music continues]
Kill
the rabbit.
Kill
the rabbit.
[dramatic music]
Bring me his brains!
[growling]
[music continues]
[roaring]
[music continues]
[laughing]
Bring me his brains!
[music continues]
Kill that rabbit!
[music continues]
Ladies and gentlemen
happy Easter!
[crowd] Happy Easter!
[applause]
I'm here to say a few words
about Reverend Jake Mulligan.
I don't think he's
gonna like it very much.
Uh-oh!
[laughs]
I've known
Jake since high school
and believe me, I'm just
as surprised as all of you
about what we have here.
[Jake laughs]
I couldn't be happier
that the world headquarters
of Mulligan Ministries
will be right
here in Easter Falls.
Hallelujah!
[applause and cheering]
Oh, come on!
You ain't seen
nothing yet, Mayor Pootybooty.
Because I have seen Jakey Jake
at his hippity-hoppity worst!
That's Cotton.
[chuckles]
Fellas? Uhh, Mr Bunny?
Welcome.
Now even though today
is the day of the resurrection
we still have plenty of
room to share with you.
[mocking laugh]
I've heard
it all before, Jakester.
What about bullies, huh?
-Bullies?
-Bullies that harm innocent
furry little friends, huh?
Bullies are bad.
Never innocent, that's right.
Oh, you know about that
wouldn't you, bully boy?
Grab him, fellas!
[whooshing]
Oh!
[whooshing]
[soft impact]
Shove off, poser!
[tapping microphone]
Testing, testing.
Is this thing on?
[tapping continues]
Testing, testing!
[tapping continues]
I want all of
Easter Falls to know
that this man
is a murderer!
Of rabbits!
He's a rabbit killer!
He murdered my pet bunny
and he's gonna
kill all of yours, too!
Doesn't sound that bad.
[exclaims]
[impact]
[dramatic music]
[crowd screaming
[muttering]
[laughs]
[crowd screaming]
Oh, you'll be mine.
[laughs]
Hey, Jake! Catch!
[screams]
[screaming]
[whoosh]
Hello, ladies and germs!
The prodigal son returns!
[maniacal laughter]
[crowd screaming]
[fast-paced song]
[impact]
That's the one.
[screaming]
[song continues]
[yelling]
I never made the team,
but look at me now, Ma!
-Where's that?
-[impact on ground]
Oh!
Oh, smart.
Oh, that burnt like chlamydia!
[groaning]
[drum music]
Command,
this is Sargent Slaughter.
Ghost Command.
Peter Cotton has been hit.
However,
the shot was ineffective.
I repeat, ineffective.
[helicopter rotor blades]
Dammit, Slaughter,
I'm sending in the Air Force.
You bring me his brain.
Yes, sir.
[sirens whooping]
[dramatic music]
[jet engines]
[music continues]
[jet engines roaring]
Eagle One.
Here I am.
Wheels up into the target.
Copy that, Eagle one.
You are cleared hot.
Happy hunting.
[music continues]
[jet engines roaring]
[music continues]
[helicopter rotor blades]
Get out of here! Now!
Hey! Boy
you were right.
You were right, dammit!
Let's play ball.
Let's play ball, OK?
[explosion]
Shit! What was that?
Damn!
[music continues]
[helicopter rotor blades]
[machine gun fire]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[screams]
Get up! Go!
-Get up!
-Go!
Shit!
Get up! Now!
[explosion]
[grunting]
[groaning]
-[groaning]
-Yo, Cotton! Hey!
That's far enough.
Far enough! Right there.
Goddamn!
What happened to your face?
Peter?
-That you?
-Huh, pretty stupid, hey?
[laughing]
The looks of things, Peter
there's a reward on your head...
[laughs]
I'm gonna collect, boy!
-Wanted, dear or alive, am I?
-Yeah.
Well, I don't
want you alive at all!
I want you
dead as a doorknob!
Come and get it!
[chuckles]
[shouts]
[gunshot]
[screams]
You bitch!
[shouting]
[grunting]
[muffled grunts]
[grunting]
Peter!
Please, can I please-
Please give me a second chance.
Peter, please give me
a second chance, please?
Second chance?
For you?
Did my furry little friend
get any second chances?
[exclaiming]
No!
Zero! Zilch-o!
You broke his neck
and now, Jakey Jake
I'm gonna break yours!
[grunting]
[gurgling]
[helicopter rotor blades]
Slaughter, report!
Sir, that big rabbit
is inside the church.
And we got the
church surrounded.
-Sir!
-Good!
Sir! Sir, we lost our flank.
By who? You said he was
in there. Is he in there, grunt?
Sir! It's General Phelps.
Impossible!
-Get me the President!
-Yes, sir!
Peter! Stop!
You have to stop it!
You have to
stop all this killing.
This isn't like
you. This isn't right!
[grunting]
[roaring]
[impact]
[grunt]
[groaning]
Peter dead. Uhh...
[groaning]
No...
[groaning]
He's alive.
He's still inside you.
I can see him.
And I can see me
inside of you, too!
[evil chuckle]
[door creaking]
Cotton!
Oh. Shit.
It's him again, huh?
Hold that thought.
[grunts]
Oh, you look like
a man who wants to tango!
Or maybe do
the horizontal mambo!
Like I did with
your wife last night!
[evil laugh]
Forget I said that.
[chuckling]
[grunting]
[grunting]
I wasn't expecting that.
[grunting]
[scuffling]
My turn!
[impact]
[grunts]
[dramatic music]
[roaring]
How did you get so strong?
[shouting]
[crash]
[grunts]
Peter! No!
[music continues]
Where is that?
[muttering]
[yelling]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
-Oh, my pelvis!
-No!
[scuffling]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
Stop!
Freeze!
[electric buzzing]
[groaning]
Peter...
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Doctor Stanley.
Sorry, I'd love to chat.
There's an
air strike any minute.
I need to call
it off. I'm sorry.
Hello?
Yes. Gafta, Gafta.
Doctor Stanley here.
Peter is down. Peter is down.
Repeat, he is down.
Peter is down.
I repeat, Peter is down.
[grunts]
What are you saying?
Where on god's
green garden am I?
Well...
Oh!
[laughs]
I know what this is.
[laughs]
This is one of those moments
where I get to choose
whether I want to be some
uhh, etheric
being of an ether fucking around
doing a whole
next to a lot of nothing
or
go back to be
Rottentail one more time.
Kick some butt,
have a lot of fun.
Ohh...
Oh boy, decisions, decisions.
- Yeah, Peter is down.
-Shit.
- Peter is down.
-Ohh.
Yes.
OK.
Well, I need to
harvest his brain, so...
OK.
[electric buzzing]
[electronic beeps]
[metallic rumble]
[rapid beeping]
Come on.
[rapid beeping continues]
[electric crackling]
[loud rumble]
-Oh.
-The General is back!
And I'm still
king of the jungle, bitch!
King mother-fucking Kong!
Ohh boy.
Decisions, decisions.
Oh, I'm bad. I'm so
bad at making choices!
Shit, this is not good!
This is not good.
I suggest everybody just run!
Which way?
Far, far away!
[rhythmic tense music]
Whoa! Let's go!
You know what
I hate most about rabbits?
Whining little... bitch!
[roaring]
Oh shit.
[grunts]
[impact]
[flames crackling]
Oh! What? Oh, shit!
[screaming]
Oh, shoot!
Oh, no!
[screaming]
Oh, wow! Shoot!
[screaming]
[dramatic music continues]
[fuse hissing]
[grunting]
Oh, fine.
[grunting]
You win!
[grunts]
Rottentail it is!
[maniacal laughter]
[grunting]
[fast-paced heavy metal music]
Hey, Dingledork!
Killing a rabbit
is a very bad habit!
I told you, you should
have left that to your lab!
You bitch!
[scuffling]
grunting]
[grunting]
Walk like a lily-pad!
Kick like a kangaroo!
[yelling]
Normally, I'm vegan, but
uhh, what the heck?
[yelling]
[roaring]
Now for a kick!
[both roaring]
Peter Cotton
is that all you've got?
Bring it on!
[scuffling]
grunting]
Time to put my foot down!
[yelling]
[impact]
[electronic sizzling]
[electric crackling]
[crackling stops]
No more Dingledork.
[grunting]
No more
uhh, Jay Kay, Jake.
[groans]
[fuse hissing]
I want you
to pull your men back.
I have direct orders to
wipe this place off the map.
Yes, sir. I will do it.
-Call in that airstrike.
-Yes, sir.
Fall back!
Fall back!
Twenty miles.
Five thousand miles.
Stealth situation.
[muttering]
[groaning]
Peter!
You have to go, save yourself.
No, I can't. I can't leave you.
Listen.
Peter wants you sniffing roses
not pushing up daisies.
[fuse hissing]
Listen...
It's what Peter wants.
He wants you to live.
He wants you
to have a long life
and to see you
in the next one, I promise.
Oh, Peter...
Please, Anna. Go!
Ohh...
[kissing]
Go...
Please go!
OK, OK.
[sobs]
Don't worry. Peter loves you.
Five, five, five, five...
[jet engines roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[rhythmic dramatic music]
[groaning]
Tango Foxtrot.
[missile roaring]
[groaning]
Oh, shit, I'm gonna die.
[missile roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[missile roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[flames whooshing]
Awesome.
[thoughtful music]
Hey, ma'am? Is it bad I'm
glad the Easter Bunny is dead?
[flames crackling]
No, sweetheart. It's not bad.
[music continues]
Slut!
You go back and get my dick!
Now! That's an order!
That's an order, goddammit!
[muttering]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[projector whirring]
[music ends]
[projector whirring]
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic organ music]
-Push!
-I can't!
You need to push!
-Come on!
-No, I can't!
One more push!
Come on!
[wet squishy sounds]
-Push!
-I can't!
-Yes, you can!
-I can't!
-Come on, baby!
-Yes, you can!
-Push! Push!
-Come on!
Push, bitch!
Try harder!
-I can't!
Push!
Again!
It's coming! I see it!
It's coming!
Tell me now...
what's going on?
[screaming]
[wet popping]
[screaming]
[wet popping]
Give it to me! Come on!
One more push!
That's it!
[yelling]
Yeah!
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
What in Daddy's dick is that?
[screaming]
Oh shit.
[ominous growl]
[ominous hiss]
[roaring]
[scream]
Fucking hell!
[whimpering]
[whimpering]
This ain't my child!
The kid is...
is white!
[ominous growl]
It doesn't matter
how ugly you are.
You can still be my baby!
[discordant sound]
What?
[roaring]
No!
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[dramatic music]
[ending song]
Hi. I'm Pastor Jake
Mulligan of Mulligan Ministries.
Let me ask you a question...
Do you have a...
maybe a strange teenage son
or teenage daughter
uhh, maybe your
teenage son or nephew
doesn't like
football or baseball.
Maybe he hasn't
shown any interest
in, uhh, girls.
Well, that's OK
because here
at Mulligan Ministries
we accept
everyone who's got a job.
Now I love you,
and I know you love me.
So come down here this Sunday
if you have a job.
Come down here this Sunday
and let me heal you,
and heal your family.
We accept everyone
at Mulligan Ministries
who's got a job.
Oh, this better be wine!
This is grape juice...
I'm gonna be pissed!
And it's grape juice.
Goddammit!
What did I tell you all?
I want red wine
for blood of Jesus. Jesus juice!
Now go get me some wine!
Goddamn!
How's Pastor Jake
gonna get anything done
without Jesus juice?
There it is- oh,
there's some duck feathers!
Bring 'em in,
more duck feathers.
When Pastor
Jake says, duck feathers!
Bring me duck feathers!
Damn!
This is nowhere near enough!
Honey, can you get
me one of them Valiums?
I started shaking like crazy.
I'm nervous!
I always get
nervous right before the-
Dammit, who's doing the smoke?
Oh god, I don't
know if I can do it today.
I'm telling you, I think
I drank a little too much.
There we go.
As a lamb...
Is that a lamb
or a deer, what is that?
Goddammit,
that's not a lamb, is it?
It looks like a fucking deer!
What the fuck
is this thing here?
This is no goddamn lamb!
Well, Pastor Jake wants a lamb
the lamb of Jesus, dammit!
We've got to deal with
many different kinds of minds.
Jesus, oh Jesus
Hi. Pastor Jake Mulligan
here, of Mulligan Ministries.
You may be
wondering what's in my lap.
Well, a deer of god.
Now, this Sunday,
at Mulligan Ministries
we got a whole lot going on.
You're a masturbator? 19,95.
If you drink too much,
22 dollars, that's it.
Flat rate, 22 dollars.
Anything you got
whether it might
be heart disease
it might be diabetes.
I know a lot of you
out there, you're fat
come down here,
Mulligan Ministries
and give me 25 dollars, and
I'll heal you of your diabetes.
I got a package, too.
For 35 dollars,
I'll heal diabetes
I'll heal chronic masturbation
and drug addiction,
all of it, your whole family
for 35 dollars.
Bring your children
down here. They might be
gay or weird, that's all right.
We accept everyone
at Mulligan Ministries
and I'll heal them
anyway, 35 dollars.
And that's a big one.
Imagine having a son who's
gay, and 35 dollars later
he's straight, he likes girls...
That's amazing, I love that.
For me,
I love that. That's a deal.
Thirty-five
dollars, it's all it is.
The deer of god,
right here on my lap.
OK? What do
you think about that?
I'll tell you what,
I can do all your family.
I can do cousins,
nephews, uncles, everybody
for forty dollars. That's it.
That's it. Forty
dollars. Everything.
Diabetes, drug
addiction, homosexuality
you got it. Whatever you
got, come on down here
and see the deer of god.
Pastor Jake Mulligan,
of Mulligan Ministries.
I love you.
Jesus loves you, too.
[upbeat gospel song]
[record scratching]
[hard rock rap song]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song fades]
[rock music]
Hello, bunny.
My brother Mikey!
Don't "brother" me.
Where's the rest of my order?
Jack back now, co-jack.
It hasn't come in yet.
I need a wolverine.
I'm not a super store.
And with all the animal
activists snooping around
out there,
this shit ain't easy.
You smoke weed
and run a pet shop.
What's so hard about that?
Bogus, brother.
I can take this fluffy
tail straight back.
No!
Crispy.
-Later gator.
-I need a wolverine.
Climb it, Tarzan.
Yeah, sure.
[rock music continues]
Um, can you get the door?
Aw, man. Why don't
you do it yourself?
Okay.
You work here?
Do I have to fucking do--
everything?
Hello, Mike.
Where is my--
-wolverine?
-Um, they...
They haven't come yet.
I'm good.
[singing]
That's for Peter.
Peter? Peter's a waste of space!
Everybody knows
I'm the true genius!
You get me what I need,
so I can show these
fools the power of my creation.
[sinister music]
[growling]
Marshmallow.
Now, get me my wolverine.
Mike! Mikey-Mike! Mike Obama!
Did you get my new rabbits?
Please tell me you did.
I think I may have
finally perfected my serum.
I need my rabbits.
I've got to test it on them,
'cause we may be kissing
infertility goodbye forever!
No. They didn't come in yet.
Mike. I really need
those rabbits, buddy.
You and I are not bros.
-I said buddies.
-No, I don't like you.
You are a waste of time.
Well, what about
the sign on my door?
It says 'storage'.
It's obviously a laboratory.
Can we get that changed?
Talk to Dr. Lopez.
Dr. Lopez, okay. Aces.
Hey, Mike. Want to go
to lunch sometime?
No!
It's going to work.
-I know it's going to work.
-[growling]
No!
Is that a Spectrometer 4000?
Get out of dodge!
How come I don't
have one of these things?
I could get so
much more work done.
-[growling]
-Unbelievable.
Hey.
They had rabbits in here.
Definitely here.
This one was pregnant.
Oh!
Hello?
Is someone down there?
[low growling]
[heartbeats]
Holy Moses. Oh.
Oh, what have we done to you?
Oh, my--Oh.
Hey. Hey little fella.
Hi, hey. How are you?
I'll help you.
Ow, ow, ow.
It's okay.
I just got to figure out
how to turn this doohickey off.
Dr. Stanley's an animal!
But you--Oh, not you. Not you.
Not an animal.
I'm Dr. Cotton. I'll get
you out of here I promise.
I'm going to take
you somewhere nice and safe.
Oh, I wonder
how old you are now?
I'm sure you're...
[dramatic music]
[yelling]
Let go! Let go! I'm your friend!
I'm your friend! Let go of me!
[bubbling]
[groans]
[coughs]
[heartbeats]
[growling]
[man groans]
Oh.
Peter Cotton.
Was a special kid, he was.
A little nerdy, though. Just
like his father, James Cotton.
Now he's a lab rat.
Tested feminine products
on furry little animals.
Put lady lips on monkey feet.
It was a called a respectable
job back in the atomic age.
Such a wannabee,
hippity, happy family they were.
Little Peter's story
starts back in the 10th grade
when his best
friend was murdered!
[bell rings]
[upbeat music]
[thunders]
Peter.
Very good job this year.
-I expected no less.
-Thank you, Principal Myers.
Excellent.
-Hey, dork.
-Ow!
You looking at my girl?
Uh, what?
No. No, Jake. I was just--
You know, Petey.
Ever since you moved
to Easter Falls,
you've bene a real cheese eater.
Yeah, cheese eater.
-Jake, leave the kid alone.
Shut up,
and don't talk
until after I talk to you.
-Oh, don't touch him!
-Hey, you heard him.
You got some balls,
or what, kid?
Ow!
This damn rabbit bit my finger!
Thomas, Larry, grab this dork.
Hey, Jake. Come on,
let's just go.
It'll be fine, okay?
Ain't nobody talking to you.
Hey, come on.
Don't do that to her!
Oh, no! Jake, don't hurt him!
-He's a harmless animal.
-Harmless?
Mandy, is this thing harmless?
-Uh-uh.
-Oh, man!
I can see the bone!
This, this thing
is a dangerous animal.
It's a monster.
And you know what we do
to monsters in Easter Falls?
-Do you?
-No.
We kill monsters.
-No, please.
-A monster.
-Kill the monster.
-Please, man. Come on.
[chanting] Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Kill the monster!
-Come on, man.
[laughs]
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Kill the monster.
-[laughing]
-Kill the monster.
-Please stop!
My side's hurting.
Kill the monster.
Kill the monster.
-Please!
-[squeaking]
[crack]
[crowd gasps]
Oh, man.
Now, remember. I hate monsters.
Stay the hell away from my girl!
-Hey!
-It Principal Myers!
Peter.
-Who did this, Peter.
-Leave me alone.
Everyone just leave me alone.
Peter, wait.
[sad music]
Anna...
banana... bo-bana...
[indistinct television chatter]
Well, 20 years later,
not much has changed.
At least, not yet that is.
[laughs]
[crying]
[indistinct yelling]
[gags]
I'm looking for
a town called Despair!
[retching]
[music on TV]
Who's here to save you?
Who? I can't here you!
That's right!
Head to Jake Mulligan.
Praise the lord!
[rock music]
[clapping]
[cheering]
God bless you! God bless you!
Bless you.
Oh, Reverend.
I need you to heal me.
I love you, my man!
In Jesus' name, you're healed!
Whoop! Hallelujah!
[announcer] And welcome
to Mulligan Ministries.
Coming to you live from
the mountain top on high.
And now introducing
Pastor Jake Mulligan!
[singing]
I'm so glad
to be here today with ya'll.
Now, as my worldwide
book tour comes to an end,
I need to thank you
for the hospitality
that you've shown me.
Now, it's my turn.
Jesus, I'm so excited
to tell them right now.
I'm so excited.
It's my turn
to give back to you.
With a brand new chapel
and outreach center
that god is building
in my hometown of Easter Falls!
-Hallelujah.
-[girls] Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah.
-[girls] Hallelujah!
Whoop! Praise Jesus.
-[all] Praise Jesus.
-Now, to quote Jesus,
we're going to replace
the old with the new.
Ten thousand
square feet of Holiness.
Now with your
donations coming in,
we will break ground
this Easter weekend
with a special
Sunday devotional.
Now, I got to get
a little bit serious here.
Now, your donations,
they're pouring in,
and we're grateful,
god loves you.
But god needs more money.
-God is knocking.
-[knocking]
Are you going to deny god?
Or are you going
to open your heart
and open your wallet,
and help all of god's
little children?
[coughing]
Come here, Cameron.
Please help us,
-so god blesses all of you.
-Oh, come on!
[tense music]
Poop.
[television chatter]
Oh, come on!
Stupid pizza!
...is just a phone call away.
[laughing]
[squeaking]
[yelling]
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Whoop! I'm excited.
Are you excited?
Ginger?
Ginger!
Ginger? Ginger,
hey. I'm so sorry.
[phone rings]
Spazzy asshole's
one-room crap hole.
-Peter?
-Hello?
- Uh, hey.
-Anna?
Pete, I'm sorry to call you so
late, but I'm in town tomorrow.
Would you care for a coffee?
Um.
Yes, yes! I mean, sure.
I mean, maybe. I have a--
If you're busy, you know--
No, no, no, no. I mean, I am.
I'm working, but, uh,
I'll move things around.
Anything for you, Anna.
Okay. So Harlow's Caf? Nine?
Harlow's, nine, uh,
I will be there or be square.
[Anna laughs] Okay, bye.
Hey, it was really
great to hear your voice.
Oh, my god. It is so good.
Stupid reunions.
[stomach grumbles]
[gags]
[retches]
[farts]
[mumbling]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Shit!
Operator.
Hello, US army, please.
Happen to have the number?
No, I don't have the number!
-Please hold.
-Thank you.
[music]
-United States army.
-Hello, yes. This is Dr. Stanley
from lab 6516.
You're going
to need to send help.
What kind of help
you looking for, son?
Send everyone.
So what I was saying
is that Safran's son is a direct
manifestation of Hamlet
in terms of plot
and character structure.
So what did you
do before enlisting?
English professor.
-Tenure?
-I got laid off.
That figures.
[loud rumbling]
What was that?
Let's check this out.
-Are you sure?
-It's our job. Come on.
Alright.
What the hell happened
in here? The cage is open.
The cages are damaged.
They're probably still
in here. Might be hurt.
You okay in there?
There's something in here!
[heart beats]
Come out, little rabbit.
Get back in your cage.
[growling]
-[growls]
-Holy shit!
[yelling]
Hey.
[chewing]
[roars]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
[screams]
[dramatic music]
[Phelps]
This is General Phelps.
I want a two-mile radius.
Nothing gets in or out
but authorized personnel.
Start the slaughter.
[tires screech]
[rooster]
[pop music]
[slurping]
[slurping continues]
Can I get you anything?
More agua, granny!
I'm Gobi Desert parched!
What's wrong with you?
I mean, I'm so sorry.
Just some more water.
[groans]
Oh, Anna! Hey!
Anna!
Hi, Peter.
You just are--I mean, wow!
-How are you?
-Uh,
-I can't believe I'm seeing you.
-Yeah.
-I got you coffee.
-Oh, thank you!
Yeah, I'm just drinking water
because I'm just
really thirsty right now.
I got you some eggs and toast.
No bacon because we don't want
to harm our little hoof friends.
Thank you.
And radishes! I need radishes!
You okay?
Yes. I've just been
under a lot of pressure
with this job that I'm doing.
Working, like 20-hour days,
you know?
What project?
Well, I can't really talk about
it because it's top secret.
[exclaims]
[exclaims]
-How's Darla?
-That filthy whore!
She was working
at a retail store.
She got together
with the manager of it.
And she left me.
So we're not together any more.
I'm sorry. That's heinous.
It happens.
It was really nice
of you to come all this way.
Um, well, actually, I'm just
here because of, you know,
Jake Mulligan's outreach center
he's building in Easter Falls.
You still talk to him?
No. We got divorced.
I hate him!
He's trying to demolish
my grandfather's church
and turn it into this
new studio for his ministry.
That is crazy! I mean, that
church has been there forever.
-Since before the town even!
-I know!
And it was granted historical
status, but he bribed someone
at the registrar's office,
and they changed the date
that they said it was built.
Such a flaming douche!
So the reunion is tonight.
Yeah, I hope the entire
gym collapses on them.
Unless you're there.
If you're there,
I don't want that to happen.
No, you have to go with me.
To Easter Falls High?
Yes!
-No.
-Yes!
-I can't.
-You have to!
I cannot do that.
He killed my best friend.
My only friend.
But that's all the more
reason why we have to sneak
into the registrar's office
while everyone
is at the reunion
and prove that Jake is a fraud!
I need you to be my wingman.
Your wingman?
I've never been a wingman.
[tense music]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hello?
My stomach hurts now.
I need to hit
the toilet for a moment.
If you don't mind, I, uh, um...
-Are you okay?
-I will be!
What the heck is that?
I've never seen
anything like it!
What on earth is wrong with me?
[whistling]
-Hey, want some crabs?
-Oh, shit!
I got these from the kitchen.
I'm not talking about the kind
you eat either!
Oh, god! I must
be losing my mind!
I got to get out of here!
Hey. Um, sorry.
Uh, I really, really, really,
got to get back to the lab.
Something very important came
up. I'm going to have to go.
But will you come tonight?
I mean, this kind of
scandal will crush a man of god.
Oh, yes. I will.
-Anything for you.
-I'll see you at seven.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
You'll see me.
I'll be there. I'll at
the thingy to do the thingy.
Oh!
Oh, bananas.
What do I do?
What's happening to me?
Okay.
[yells in pain]
Holy Moses.
That came out of me?
[bubbling]
[tense music]
[glass shatters]
Impossible.
[crunching]
[groans]
[yells]
[retching]
[yelling]
Peter Cocken?
-It's Cotton.
-Whatever.
I need you to get with the
gettin' while the gettin's good.
I'd get with that, sir,
if I knew what that meant.
Means move this ward
down Victory Road.
Oh, Victory Road.
Is that in this neighborhood?
I've never heard of it.
I need your god damn serum, son.
Oh, the serum. Uh...
But there's some
problems with that.
I would suggest not.
And why not?
May I ask the general, sir,
why's he's interested
in fertility serum?
=Do you know who I am?
-General Phelps.
Which makes the mother fucker
that don't have to disclose
shit to you about why I want
something other than the fact
that I want it.
And you will get shit done,
'cause I'm also the mother
fucker that if I tell
your mother fucking ass to jump,
your mother fucking ass
better be spring loaded,
ready to jump off the
mother fucking building!
Yes, sir, General Dingle Dorf.
You really don't dick
around with me, son.
I'll cut your balls off,
stuff them up both
nostrils and make you eat shit
while I'm doing it.
Oh, that's disgusting.
News update!
-We're going dark
-Dark?
Dark. No on in or out
until Project MR is complete.
General, I don't have
any projects called MR.
And you!
-Cocken.
-Cotton.
Whatever.
I'd like to try
some of that serum.
Oh, uh, I have to warn
you some of my test subjects
had erections
for more than two weeks
after multiple stimulations.
You played with rabbit dick?
Um...
-Yes, sir.
-You're sick.
My jet fuel.
Uh...
Your jet fuel, sir.
Your jet fuel.
Good.
Very good.
-Uh, Dr. Lopez? I--
-Not now, Peter. Later.
Later, Peter. Later!
Later. Peter, later!
General!
What are these?
Oh, oh! So sharp!
-Nightmare rabbit!
-[farts]
Oh, I feel the mother-load.
I'm not going to make it!
[farting]
I'm not going to make it!
I'm not going to make it!
There she blows!
Oh, bogus!
[yells]
I can't take it. Somebody help!
Oh!
Whiskery, isn't it?
[yells in pain]
Oh, my back!
Oh, what do you care?
You're spineless anyway.
You don't stop me now.
It's rabbit time!
[yells]
Stop whimpering
you little wussy!
The ladies are going
to love this!
I got to get to the lab!
Lopez, researching rabbits
so that people can screw longer?
Hell... no.
But... Still donkey dick.
I couldn't agree more.
Hit the lights.
My god. Mike! That's Mike!
I don't want to kill
your assistant, Lopez.
The way I see it,
everyone should do their
duty for god and country.
Amen to that.
We outfitted the MR with
a brain manipulation device.
-That's impossible.
-Hardly.
Start the test.
[computer beeping]
[machine whirring]
[growling]
[heart beats]
[roaring]
[yelling]
America the beautiful.
[roars]
Major, find out how to make
more of these things ASAP.
Yes, sir.
Oh, boy.
I really am a genius.
Now, if you all excuse me,
I have a date with destiny.
Please get out of my head!
[farts]
It's my head now!
[film rolling]
Talking 'bout Jesus
Oh, Jesus
Hi. Pastor Jake Mulligan
with Mulligan Ministries.
This weekend is a very special
weekend. It's Easter Weekend.
So I'm running
a special on baptism.
It's only 19.95 per person.
All day Sunday,
only 19.95 per person.
Half price for midgets,
children, and retards.
What do you think about that?
Alright, son. Come here.
Do you take Jesus Christ
as your lord and savior?
Oh, lord. Yes, I do.
-Hallelujah.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Alright! Now Jesus Christ,
there you are.
How are you going to get saved?
How are you going to get healed?
How are you going to go
to heaven for only 19.95.
Tell me that. Ain't no way!
And if ain't baptized,
you're going to hell.
And that's a fact!
Power to Jesus Christ! 19.95,
that's all there is to it.
Uh, son?
He said he could hold
his breath for two minutes.
What's going on? Son?
Son, are you alright?
Anyway, this weekend only.
Use the special 19.95.
Come on in! 19.95! 19.95!
Can somebody get this
guy off of set, please?
Harry! What took you so long?
Daddy's home.
He has a surprise for you.
You know I love surprises.
Daddy's got some jet fuel, baby.
And this time, my rocket's
going to blast off.
Look at that.
Guaranteed to last for hours.
Maybe even days.
No, no, no, no!
I'll have you pounded for
everything you've done here.
-This is the work of a mad man!
-[laughs]
You have no idea
what I've done here!
And now using
the mind control device,
I can increase
the MR's homicidal tendencies
by 200 percent!
'Cause I am a genius!
Shit!
No, no, no, no!
No! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Smooth move.
Smooth move, genius!
[growls]
[growling]
[roars]
Sound the alarm!
[yells]
Daddy's home.
[alarm sounds]
What in daddy's
dick is going on?
[phone dials]
-Hello?
-Yeah, this is General Phelps.
[yelling over phone line]
-[muffled] Where are you going?
-Stay here.
Hey, babe.
Daddy's got to handle some shit.
[yelling]
Oh, my foot! No!
What's happening to me?
Oh, god! My serum!
You! Dr. Stanley, you--
Thank you, Dr. Stanley.
Finally, you did
something good for me.
I need my serum!
I've got to have more
around here somewhere!
You're never going
to get that serum!
I'm here now!
I don't want to change!
I don't want to change!
I don't--Oh, god!
Please!
Hello? Operator?
-Get me a--
-A veterinarian!
Oh, help me!
It's over now, Peter.
[laughing maniacally]
[indistinct]
[soldiers] Are there
any survivors down there?
Are there any
survivors down there?
We are coming to help you.
We have the building
in lockdown. Do not move.
[tense music]
Shit.
[growling]
Identify yourself.
I said identify yourself,
god dammit.
[growling]
It's out! It's out!
[gunshot]
You damn pussy!
Never run from a fight.
Oh, shit!
Oh, for real?
[yelling]
And I'll kill you, bitch!
No!
Stop! Don't hurt my bunny!
Cocken? Is that you?
No, Cotton's gone.
It's Rotten tail now!
What the fuck
is wrong with you, pussy?
My friend!
See? That's why guys
like me loath guys like you.
-Please stop!
-We get all the hot bitches,
and you go home to jack off
rabbits to fantasy island.
I like fantasy island!
Say goodbye
to your little friend.
No!
Go back to your lab.
I got a mess to clean up.
This is General Phelps.
Where the hell is Major Donald?
[yelling]
Bunny strong!
-Bunny!
-What the fuck?
[yelling]
Feels like choking the chicken,
doesn't it,
General Dingle Dorf, huh?
That's what I call
getting some head!
[laughs]
Oh! Oh, look at that.
Oh, how sad!
Another "fallen soldier."
Wait.
I smell a wilting rose.
Looks like your
destiny is my destiny now!
[muffled]
Help.
Help!
Who am I?
Well, I am your new honey bunny.
The general has gone AWOL,
and he left me in charge.
[laughs]
Really? It's that small?
Um, perhaps we
need a snake charmer.
It does resemble two
blueberries right now.
Let's do it bunny style.
Flip over like a pancake!
That was only
round one! Ding, ding!
Round two!
[laughing]
Of course, I remember you.
Really?
No. I mean, are you
sure you went to this school?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Watch your head, Ted.
[laughs]
This ought to liven
things up, don't you think?
You'll never get away with this.
Well, it looks
like I already did.
My grandfather's church
is a historical monument!
Well, now. It's not
on the registry, is it?
You made Ted
change those records.
He would do anything for you!
Now, Ted is a loyal
follower, that's true.
But he would
never do such a thing.
Anna?
Looking good.
-Wow!
-Hey, Thomas. Be cool.
-Show the lady some respect.
-Jake!
Oh, Jake!
This party sucks.
I just spiked the punch,
so things should be
kicking in any minute.
Oh, gag me with a spoon.
Oh, hey, Anna.
Good to see you're
still looking about 12.
Better than 50.
Anyways.
-Oh, now. That's naughty.
-Right?
Cut that out.
Alright. We'll see
you later, Anna.
Jake, I'm going to stop you.
My grandfather's
church will not fall.
Ain't no one going
to stop my empire.
Go on, get in the way,
and they'll all be
talking about the lake.
What lake?
The lake they found
your dead body in.
See ya.
[chuckles]
Peter, where are you?
Channel 69 finally
knocked you out, did it?
That's what happens
when you put a light weight up
with this heavy weight.
Who's here to save you?
Hallelujah! Praise the lord!
Hello, I'm Pastor Jake
of Mulligan Ministries.
You know, I'd like to do right
now is get personal with you
if that's okay.
Why don't we bring it in?
Who the hell is this?
Are you feeling alone?
Are you feeling like
you want to get out of here,
or escape?
Retain your inner monster?
I know how you feel--
My nemesis is on the premises!
Let me exorcise
the demons from your flesh.
[groans]
All you got to do is
pick up the phone right now.
Just pick up
that phone and call--
I guess Easter Falls
is calling after all.
It's okay if you want to cry.
Camouflage, perfect.
They'll never see me in this.
[rips]
-Oh, darn fingernails.
Oh. Going to need a pedicure.
Ugh, I'm late.
I'm late for a
very important date.
Got to get off, toots.
[glass shatters]
[investigative music]
[tense music]
Nothing like a smoke.
I feel like a million bucks.
I want to go spin myself.
Someone's coming
up the elevator.
Dean, join two. You stay here.
Happy to.
[elevator dings]
No wonder that moron
Peter always took the stairs.
This darn thing takes forever.
[tense music]
They should put
on some decent elevator music.
This is pitiful!
[snoring]
[snoring]
[elevator dings]
Finally!
-[groans]
-Freeze!
Oh.
I don't assume you got
any pharmacy around here.
-Shut up!
-Oh, I'm surrounded by
a bunch of dipsticks.
What are you?
Well, I am like holiday session.
But for you ignorant humans,
that means that
I am a rabbit man.
I mean, not like a rabbit man,
but a rabbit man!
Shut up and come
out with your hands up!
Raise my hands? Oh,
we're raising the roof, huh?
I do like to boogie!
And in fact, my favorite
thing to do is...
Does big baby want a bottle?
Anyone else? Anyone?
Told you!
You're are so
awesome, Rotten tail.
What the hell was that?
Yeah, no. I thought
I'd be home by now.
That's okay.
Just put my dinner in the
fridge and I'll warm it up.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you when I get home.
[indistinct muttering continues]
[music continues]
I love you, too.
Yeah, have a glass of wine.
-Do that, too.
-[exclaims]
[singing]
I gotta go!
Get on the horn.
I want everybody on the horn.
[rap music]
Hello?
That's right. Get 'em
out here. Everybody.
Everybody.
[song continues]
[thunder]
[thunder rumbling]
[song continues]
[laughing]
[laughing]
[growling]
Oh, she's a naughty girl!
-Hey.
-What?
What are you going
to do about that bitch, Anna?
Look, she files
a complaint with the state.
She says we're destroying
a historical building.
Well, you are.
I need the land, dammit!
It's sitting on top of
the largest gold deposit
in all the south-west.
We're trying to build a church.
Dammit! How many
times have I told you?
You don't listen!
You do too much cocaine.
Now listen to
me when I tell you.
Here's what we're
gonna do. Remember this.
Break ground
discover gold
-praise god!
-Praise god!
-Praise god!
-I think you're killing her.
[exclaims]
[splashing]
She's all right.
You all right down there?
You all right?
[girl panting]
You OK?
All right, it's all right.
[girl panting]
Let's get down one more time.
Baptism! Baptism!
[splash]
[laughing dementedly]
So praise god, right?
-Praise god.
-Praise god!
And we're gonna have a brand-new
broadcast center. That's right!
And there's
no way I'm gonna relocate.
[spits]
to Easter Falls.
This place is a shithole.
[demented laughter]
-Praise god.
-[laughing continues]
Hey, take these for the trip.
[demented laughter]
-Watch it.
-[laughter continues]
Boss?
-What's up?
-You need to come see this. Now.
It better be important!
Shit. All right,
let me get my beer.
I'll see you later,
honey. Just stay right here!
[demented laughter]
This better be good!
Shit. I feel a
little sick to my stomach.
Throw up.
[laughing dementedly]
[heavy metal music continues]
Hey, ladies.
[music ends abruptly]
[motorbike engine]
Ah, come on!
Get there faster
on the back of a snail!
[mosquito buzzing]
[slap]
[exclaims]
[grunts]
Right in the eyeball. Wow.
[car horn]
Huh? Who's that?
What do you want?
[car horn]
-Huh? Oh yeah. Go round.
-[car horn]
Go on, go around me.
[car horn]
Hey! Go around me!
Jerk off!
[car horn]
-Whoa!
-[car horn]
Get rocks, soldier!
Sit on it! Spin!
Oh, oh, oh!
[motorbike engine]
[muttering]
[thunder rumbling]
Now you know.
[grunts]
Now, come on, Ted.
Didn't I tell you to get
rid of that mineral survey?
I can't destroy City documents!
That would be lying,
and lying is a sin.
"Lying's a sin."
Oh, sin, huh?
[chuckles]
What, and changing the date on
the construction of the church?
What was that?
Sit down.
God told us to do that
when we spoke to him.
What does it matter
what's under the ground?
[dramatic crash]
Everything, Ted!
[soft ominous music]
[chuckles]
Now there are
agents of the devil.
Demons!
And they are out to destroy us.
You understand me?
And she is a demon!
[music continues]
She don't look like a demon...
Oh, she don't look like a demon?
How do you know?
You ever seen one?
Huh? Oh, you never seen one?
Then how do you know?
I'm sorry, Pastor.
Ted.
We, we've been on
a lot of hunting trips together
haven't we?
-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.
Why!
-Are you failing me?
-Uhh...
-I...
-What?
I what?
I don't know!
Oh, Ted.
Now that was the wrong answer.
You believe in Jesus, right?
[music continues]
Make sure you
tell him I say hello.
[gunshot]
[splatter]
[grunts]
Whoo!
Goddamn!
Where's his head?
[blood spurting]
[laughing dementedly]
Look at that!
Get out of my way! Look it here!
-It's clean gone!
-Holy sh--
Whoo! Look at that!
You ever seen that before?
Goddamn, I've
never seen that before!
Whoo!
-It's a magic trick!
-Some pretty fucked-up shit.
Hey, he knew too much.
It was time for him to go.
Who's gonna
fucking clean this up?
You're gonna clean it up.
You're gonna take care of this
and find a nice
lake for the body.
You! I want you to go
get Anna and the documents.
Tie her up in the
basement of the church.
And, oh, make sure she wears
something real nice and pretty.
Low-cut like there.
[unsettling piano music]
Look here! Look at that!
There's still, there's
still blood coming out!
Goddamn!
[motorbike engine]
[unsettling music continues]
[engine sputtering]
Oh.
What?
Come on.
[groans]
Dang it!
I'm out of gas!
[screaming]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[soft reggae music]
Man, I'm telling you.
Sitting at the desk...
[inhales]
reading the paper...
Delta Forces run in
fully loaded to the max, man.
And then, boom!
The elevator door pops open.
This huge bunny man pops out
kicks all their asses, man.
I mean, he takes
them down, AK47s and all.
One minute he's there,
one minute he's not.
There is no such
thing as a bunny man.
-What?
-It was a real bunny man, man!
That is one crazy story!
I wish I was there for it.
[laughs]
It's the bunny man, man!
[screaming]
What the fuck?
[screaming continues]
Where'd everybody go?
Something I said?
[reggae music continues]
Oh, funky.
[dramatic organ music]
[thunder rumbling]
[metallic tapping]
I'll show the world...
what a genius I really am.
[metallic clatter]
Stupid Lopez.
Heh!
There is absolutely nothing.
Yes.
[muttering indistinctly]
Stanley, I've been
looking all over for you.
What are you doing in the attic?
Play with my toys.
Waiting for electrical storms.
I don't know. I just need power!
Power is the key!
We've accounted for all of our
staff, except for Peter Cotton.
Ah, he's probably dead anyway.
Good riddance.
It's a complete waste of space
but boy, do I love this serum!
Did Phelps a treat or two.
I don't think so.
Oh god.
-[exasperated sigh]
-Kind of busy here.
[mixtures bubbling]
That dirty rotten s.o.b. was
trying to steal
the glory for himself!
We want orders to take him out.
Yes.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, I don't-
I need to study him.
Yeah, I mean, I need to
understand what happened.
So I can stabilize the...
change...
Or else, if we don't,
you know, he might mutate
beyond anyone's control...
[dramatic organ music]
Yeah... mmm...
Turn lucid and...
kill everyone in his sight.
[exclaims]
You know,
if I had a couple of weeks
some time
to study him
maybe I can bring old
Phelpsie back to life...
Afraid that's not possible.
Orders are orders.
And Peter Cotton's a dead man.
[dramatic music]
Or everyone else.
Damn, dammit, dammit.
[wet squish]
[car engine]
[maniacal laughter]
Hey! I'm coming for you!
Jakester...
[maniacal laughter]
Wait a second.
Wonder what Anna's up to.
Maybe I should see her.
Might be able to
catch her in a g-string.
[maniacal laughter]
Left turn!
[tires squealing]
[maniacal laughter]
[car engine roaring]
But he's been going
around and lying to everyone!
I know! This was never about
the church.
This was about gold, Mom.
[slow music]
You look so... pretty tonight.
[laughs]
Ohh, I'd like to
eat you like a carrot.
[growling]
Wait!
[soft tense music]
Lost a pussy, but...
Lost in this fucking leotard!
Fuck!
[muttering]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[Anna on phone] You
need to broaden your horizons.
[surprised shout]
Uhh, could you just
hold on for one sec?
[soft tense music]
[sighs]
False alarm.
It's just my asshole neighbors.
OK. All right.
[door closes]
[music continues]
[sighs]
Well, how was the reunion?
Well, huh, huh...
Let me tell you, it was
great.
Peter stood me up.
Mom, no! I don't like him.
I'm, I'm with Bob.
[police siren in background]
Bob is my boyfriend,
and he has a name.
I know you hate cops.
[police siren]
OK, Mom. Well, I'm gonna
I'm gonna hit the hay.
[tender music]
[low growl]
Bobby, Bobberino!
[music continues]
[bangs on door]
If I chopped
her arms and legs off
and threw you in the
ocean, I'd still call you Bob.
Hey, baby.
I gotta go.
Look at what I got ya.
Stealing my
chocolate Easter bunny!
I'm coming for you, Bobby Bob!
I gotta tell you something.
[kissing]
[door closes]
[groans]
[groans]
Oh, I gotta get out of there.
[car engine starts]
[tires squealing]
[fast-paced song]
Oh, my head.
I can't take it.
[groaning]
[car engine roaring]
[song continues]
You know what I want boy?
You son of a traitor!
[tires squealing]
[song continues]
[impact]
[grunts]
Quiet here!
Got work to do.
Back in town, your rodents and
I are here to make a change!
[laughing]
[car engine roaring]
[tires squealing]
Ha, I guess we're
early, but first, oh well
I'll improvise.
Tommy boy, let's go!
[soft tense music]
[coughing]
[coughing]
Wakey, wakey!
[chuckles]
I said wakey!
[grunts]
Jesus Christ!
Is he here too, oh?
Oh, oh, oh!
-You are referring to me, huh?
-[Thomas whimpers]
Yes, uhh, uhh, we do bear a s-
striking resemblance, don't we?
Only, he died
for our sins
and I
am going to kill you
[Thomas whimpers]
for yours!
[Thomas whimpers]
Tommy Tom!
[Thomas whimpers]
-You know my name?
-Oh.
Oh, you don't recognize me?
Have I changed that much?
Oh, maybe
I'll give you a hint, then, huh?
"Please don't kill my rabbit!"
[mocking sobs]
[ominous music]
[grunting]
It's not
the Peter
any more, huh?
And now I am rotten
to the core!
Rotten!
Rotten!
-Rottentail!
-[Thomas screams]
What kind of people do-?
-I hope you are hungry, Tommy.
-No, no, no!
Because I just laid these eggs
myself!
[impact]
[grunt]
[impact]
[grunt]
[grunting]
And these eggs!
Are definitely!
Not!
Made of!
Chocolate!
[wet squashing]
[shouting]
[wet squashing]
[ominous music continues]
[grunting]
Oh, my head's killing me.
[groaning]
Oh, god, I wish a dive-bar
I'll do a
a half-gain right into it.
[squealing tires]
[country song]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Hey, pal?
Just got my heart broken.
I need two slipperino
pulled in my mouth now.
[grunting]
Dude.
Why don't you
just take that mask off?
Oh god.
Been a rough night.
"Sex on the Beach"
should be great.
Listen, man...
You gotta take that mask off
or get the fuck out of the bar.
Fine, fine, fine. Just give me
uhh, three blow-jobs
and we'll call it a night.
-Listen, asshole-
-Hey!
You gotta take the mask--
[impact]
[grunts]
[impact]
I guess drinks are on the house!
[laughs evilly]
[patrons cheer]
Oh! Darts!
I love darts!
[dramatic organ music]
[thunder rumbling]
We will show all of them.
Show that Peter!
How would I-
[hissing]
[thunder rumbling]
[crash]
[organ music continues]
[equipment humming grows]
-It is time!
-[humming increases]
[lightning crashes]
[humming continues]
It is time, my friend!
Live!
Live!
[shouts]
[electric crackling]
[laughing dementedly]
[crackling continues]
[thunder crashing]
[laughing continues]
[crackling ends]
[thunder stops]
[exhales]
Gave you everything.
Everything I've got.
[electronic beeping]
Yes!
I need the power!
Everything!
Everything we have!
Yes.
[thunder crashing]
[organ music continues]
[electronic beeping]
[loud electrical hum]
Live for me!
Live, for me!
[loud electric crackling]
[organ music continues]
[thunder rumbling]
[car tires screeching]
[crashing]
[thunder crashing]
[sirens]
[alarm buzzing]
[electronic beeping]
Yes!
Oh, the lightning!
[whooping]
You're alive!
It's alive!
[laughs maniacally]
It's alive!
Yes!
[laughing]
[low roar]
Oh, Mr. Phelps,
you will have your revenge.
We will show that
rabbit who is boss!
And who's a genius around here!
[laughing maniacally]
[roaring continues]
[birdsong]
[rooster crowing]
[birdsong]
[groaning]
Oh, my head!
Ah, Easter Falls, I'm coming!
Oh, Easter will never be
the same when I'm done with you!
Just need a...
few more minutes of sleep here.
Little bitty nap.
[grunts]
[snoring]
[slow upbeat piano music]
What are those? Easter eggs?
I think it's shit.
Oh god.
Do you have any enemies?
Yeah, you bet I do! The devil.
How many more stupid
questions I gotta answer?
Go find the killer.
Hey, padre, if you're
a little more respectful
this is gonna go a lot smoother.
OK, Sheriff Porky Pig.
[chuckling]
-Hey, asshole!
-Hey! Enough!
We have a big
dedication tonight.
We need to get going.
All right, I'm sorry. I forgot.
I'm rich. He's an asshole.
And you should do your job
make sure the
dedication is safe.
How's that sound?
Yeah, I'll work on that.
All right, Matlock. You do that.
I got people coming at ten.
Think someone's trying
to send us a message.
Let's say what we're gonna do,
we're gonna stick to the plan.
But...
we blow this place tonight.
You don't have a permit.
That's right.
You see, it's an accident.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
And, oh, lookee here!"
We've found gold!
I'll do some speaking in tongues
that'll impress 'em.
Now you get to work.
I want this
place leveled tonight.
Whatever you say, boss.
Get going.
[music continues]
[crows cawing]
What?
Oh my god! Your friend has died
and all you care about is gold?
-Asshole!
-Not just gold!
It's a billion
dollars' worth of gold.
Let's have some smiles!
All right? Dedication...
praise god...
-damn!
-Praise god!
Praise god. There you go.
Now get going. Let's go.
-Move!
-Praise god.
-Out the door!
-Praise god.
Come on, man. Let's go.
Get some of them,
uhh, Easter eggs.
[laughing]
Hey, don't touch that!
It's a turd!
Goddamn!
[slow tense music]
Hey, can we get
a coroner over here?
Sheriff...
[voice on radio]
You know it's Easter.
It's gonna be impossible
getting anybody
out there until tomorrow.
[floorboards creaking]
Oh! Busted!
Aha!
[impact]
[crash]
[laughing]
[breaking glass]
[laughing continues]
[wet sounds]
A little facial reconstruction.
[grunting]
[wet sounds]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Now that's how
you turn a two by four
into a two by gore!
[laughing maniacally]
Hey, wait a second.
This means Anna's single again.
Aces! Aces! Ha!
Heh? What's all the racket?
Oh!
Raffle, uhh...
[grunts]
Hate kids.
[upbeat carnival music]
[background chatter and noise]
That's too noisy.
Their festivities is killing me!
And I'm starving!
[music continues]
Oh yeah, you got that special--
Hey, Tim, sweetie!
[laughs]
Kids.
[laughs]
[background chatter]
[music continues]
Where is the Easter Bunny?
I want to see the Easter Bunny.
[background chatter]
[music continues]
Mommy,
where is the Easter Bunny?
[sniffing]
[soft tense music]
[sniffing continues]
Where is Jake?
[music continues]
Busy. Busy!
He's... he's busy, all right?
Listen, Coke-whore Barbie.
This is my grandfather's
church that you're desecrating!
That's not what the deed says!
We bought it...
uhh, so we own it. Not you.
[scuffling]
[grunting]
What the hell?
Uhh, happy Easter!
Yeah. OK. Whatever.
I was just passing through
on my way to take a poop.
This... Oh, OK. You know what?
[farting]
Thank goodness.
I was not gonna fit in
that fucking bunny suit--
Hello, Anna Banana.
It's the Easter Bunny!
[cheering]
[indistinct speaking]
Gross. Stinky.
Excuse you.
[muttering]
Wait. Wait, what are you doing?
Are you ready for
the Easter Bunny, kids?
[kids cheering]
It's easy. Just sit down, and
give them whatever they want.
-I have an appointment.
-Sit down!
Sit down. Just tell the brats
what they'd like to hear,
and then, uhh... you'll be done.
I'm gonna deal with you
later, I can promise you that.
I love Easter!
[grunting]
Go on, spit it out,
just don't get it on me.
I want a scooter for Easter.
-What?
-A scooter.
Scooter? You know the one
I crashed over on
the highway over there.
But my mom says I can
have anything I want.
Do I look like
Santa Claus to you, huh?
Go on, beat it.
Scram! By the way...
Hey, kid, Santa's not real.
[mocking chuckle]
Next!
Ohh, chocolate!
I want a new skateboard...
-Oh, you'll get nothing like it!
-Hey, that's mine!
[impact]
[cheering]
-Hey, what are you doing?
-I'm going on my lunch break.
Move out of the way.
[muttering]
[angry voices]
[muttering]
What the hell are
you doing, you bastard?
There's kids
out there waiting still.
Uhh, what, hey,
uhh... Tell you what?
Let's wrap this conversation up
have some fun, shall we?
Think what we're gonna do is
turn you into an Easter basket!
[shouting]
[impact]
[scream]
[growling]
[grunting]
-Bibbidy-bobbidy!
-[ripping sounds]
-Hey, come and go! Personal! Ha!
-[ripping continues]
-Uhh, no basket.
-[muffled grunts]
There we go.
Very different Hubby Bubby, huh?
[wet slash]
[muffled scream]
That's a lot of
blood for an airhead!
[maniacal laugh]
[impact on floor]
Oh.
Oh, probably
better bury this body.
Oh well.
-Rousing sermon.
-Oh, you liked it?
Yeah, especially the part about
liars being thrust down to hell.
[sighs]
Look, I wanna
do something special.
OK? For your grandfather.
I wanna do a dedication.
All right?
Please give me a chance.
I'm sorry about all this.
Can I just show you something?
I think you're gonna like it.
Please?
Come on? I bet you'll like it.
Come on in for a second.
Let me just, close this door...
What you did
this morning was sick!
I will give you
one last chance to walk away
before I call the FBI.
[impact]
[grunts]
Sorry, honey.
You're not going anywhere.
[wind blowing]
[eagle cry]
[wind blowing]
[slow footsteps]
[dramatic cowboy music]
[music continues]
[knuckles cracking]
[rustling]
[whooshing]
[grunts]
[impact]
[screaming]
[shouting]
[laughing]
Whoo!
[whooping]
[muffled shouts]
Hey, shut up!
[muffled shouts]
Shut up! Hey!
[muffled shouts]
Shut up!
Are you gonna scream
if I take off your tape?
[slow piano music]
All right.
[ripping]
[screams in pain]
-Fuck you!
-Hey! Better watch your mouth.
You get one of those, next
time I'll pop you in the face.
-You hear me?
-You didn't have to kill him.
I'm telling you,
I didn't kill him.
Somebody's been
knocking off my people.
And I found Thomas dead
his eyeballs ripped out,
shit stuffed in his face.
Peter.
You talking
about the Cotton kid?
No, it's a pro.
Looking to squirrel
the land from me before I do.
Listen to me, you prick!
Peter came back
into town for a reason.
He's still angry at you
for killing his bunny.
Well, shit.
That is a little weird.
What's his number?
-What?
-What's his telephone number?
Huh? We're gonna call him up.
We'll see what's going on.
-Five, five, five--
-Oh! Hey, slow down!
[music continues]
-Five.
-Five.
[telephone dial whirring]
-Five.
-Five.
-Five.
-Five.
-Seven.
-Seven.
-Four.
-Four.
Three, eight.
One at a time!
-Eight
-OK.
Star Chewing Gum,
how may I direct your call?
Oh yeah. Hello, uhh...
Peter Cotton, please?
Please hold.
OK. They put me on hold.
[music on telephone]
[click]
Hello.
- We need your exact location.
-Wow.
Oh, no.
[chuckles]
Who the hell is this,
uhh, demanding my location?
This is Major Ronald
Donnelly of the U.S. Army.
Oh. Well, Ronald, this is pastor
Jake Mulligan,
of Mulligan Ministries.
And I'm looking
for one Peter Cotton.
Now I got a friend here
says he's hopping around
our town causing trouble.
So I just want to prove
to her that he's in Phoenix
being a good boy.
I need your location!
-What?
- I need your location now.
It's a matter
of national security.
OK, OK, calm down.
I'm in Easter Falls!
[click]
[dial tone]
Hello?
Hello?
[cradles phone]
Shit. They hung up.
Thank you.
[cradles phone]
[slow tense music]
Little Peter Rabbit
is in Easter Falls.
Easter
Falls.
[music continues]
Kill
the rabbit.
Kill
the rabbit.
[dramatic music]
Bring me his brains!
[growling]
[music continues]
[roaring]
[music continues]
[laughing]
Bring me his brains!
[music continues]
Kill that rabbit!
[music continues]
Ladies and gentlemen
happy Easter!
[crowd] Happy Easter!
[applause]
I'm here to say a few words
about Reverend Jake Mulligan.
I don't think he's
gonna like it very much.
Uh-oh!
[laughs]
I've known
Jake since high school
and believe me, I'm just
as surprised as all of you
about what we have here.
[Jake laughs]
I couldn't be happier
that the world headquarters
of Mulligan Ministries
will be right
here in Easter Falls.
Hallelujah!
[applause and cheering]
Oh, come on!
You ain't seen
nothing yet, Mayor Pootybooty.
Because I have seen Jakey Jake
at his hippity-hoppity worst!
That's Cotton.
[chuckles]
Fellas? Uhh, Mr Bunny?
Welcome.
Now even though today
is the day of the resurrection
we still have plenty of
room to share with you.
[mocking laugh]
I've heard
it all before, Jakester.
What about bullies, huh?
-Bullies?
-Bullies that harm innocent
furry little friends, huh?
Bullies are bad.
Never innocent, that's right.
Oh, you know about that
wouldn't you, bully boy?
Grab him, fellas!
[whooshing]
Oh!
[whooshing]
[soft impact]
Shove off, poser!
[tapping microphone]
Testing, testing.
Is this thing on?
[tapping continues]
Testing, testing!
[tapping continues]
I want all of
Easter Falls to know
that this man
is a murderer!
Of rabbits!
He's a rabbit killer!
He murdered my pet bunny
and he's gonna
kill all of yours, too!
Doesn't sound that bad.
[exclaims]
[impact]
[dramatic music]
[crowd screaming
[muttering]
[laughs]
[crowd screaming]
Oh, you'll be mine.
[laughs]
Hey, Jake! Catch!
[screams]
[screaming]
[whoosh]
Hello, ladies and germs!
The prodigal son returns!
[maniacal laughter]
[crowd screaming]
[fast-paced song]
[impact]
That's the one.
[screaming]
[song continues]
[yelling]
I never made the team,
but look at me now, Ma!
-Where's that?
-[impact on ground]
Oh!
Oh, smart.
Oh, that burnt like chlamydia!
[groaning]
[drum music]
Command,
this is Sargent Slaughter.
Ghost Command.
Peter Cotton has been hit.
However,
the shot was ineffective.
I repeat, ineffective.
[helicopter rotor blades]
Dammit, Slaughter,
I'm sending in the Air Force.
You bring me his brain.
Yes, sir.
[sirens whooping]
[dramatic music]
[jet engines]
[music continues]
[jet engines roaring]
Eagle One.
Here I am.
Wheels up into the target.
Copy that, Eagle one.
You are cleared hot.
Happy hunting.
[music continues]
[jet engines roaring]
[music continues]
[helicopter rotor blades]
Get out of here! Now!
Hey! Boy
you were right.
You were right, dammit!
Let's play ball.
Let's play ball, OK?
[explosion]
Shit! What was that?
Damn!
[music continues]
[helicopter rotor blades]
[machine gun fire]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[screams]
Get up! Go!
-Get up!
-Go!
Shit!
Get up! Now!
[explosion]
[grunting]
[groaning]
-[groaning]
-Yo, Cotton! Hey!
That's far enough.
Far enough! Right there.
Goddamn!
What happened to your face?
Peter?
-That you?
-Huh, pretty stupid, hey?
[laughing]
The looks of things, Peter
there's a reward on your head...
[laughs]
I'm gonna collect, boy!
-Wanted, dear or alive, am I?
-Yeah.
Well, I don't
want you alive at all!
I want you
dead as a doorknob!
Come and get it!
[chuckles]
[shouts]
[gunshot]
[screams]
You bitch!
[shouting]
[grunting]
[muffled grunts]
[grunting]
Peter!
Please, can I please-
Please give me a second chance.
Peter, please give me
a second chance, please?
Second chance?
For you?
Did my furry little friend
get any second chances?
[exclaiming]
No!
Zero! Zilch-o!
You broke his neck
and now, Jakey Jake
I'm gonna break yours!
[grunting]
[gurgling]
[helicopter rotor blades]
Slaughter, report!
Sir, that big rabbit
is inside the church.
And we got the
church surrounded.
-Sir!
-Good!
Sir! Sir, we lost our flank.
By who? You said he was
in there. Is he in there, grunt?
Sir! It's General Phelps.
Impossible!
-Get me the President!
-Yes, sir!
Peter! Stop!
You have to stop it!
You have to
stop all this killing.
This isn't like
you. This isn't right!
[grunting]
[roaring]
[impact]
[grunt]
[groaning]
Peter dead. Uhh...
[groaning]
No...
[groaning]
He's alive.
He's still inside you.
I can see him.
And I can see me
inside of you, too!
[evil chuckle]
[door creaking]
Cotton!
Oh. Shit.
It's him again, huh?
Hold that thought.
[grunts]
Oh, you look like
a man who wants to tango!
Or maybe do
the horizontal mambo!
Like I did with
your wife last night!
[evil laugh]
Forget I said that.
[chuckling]
[grunting]
[grunting]
I wasn't expecting that.
[grunting]
[scuffling]
My turn!
[impact]
[grunts]
[dramatic music]
[roaring]
How did you get so strong?
[shouting]
[crash]
[grunts]
Peter! No!
[music continues]
Where is that?
[muttering]
[yelling]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
-Oh, my pelvis!
-No!
[scuffling]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[grunting]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[impact]
[grunting]
Stop!
Freeze!
[electric buzzing]
[groaning]
Peter...
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Doctor Stanley.
Sorry, I'd love to chat.
There's an
air strike any minute.
I need to call
it off. I'm sorry.
Hello?
Yes. Gafta, Gafta.
Doctor Stanley here.
Peter is down. Peter is down.
Repeat, he is down.
Peter is down.
I repeat, Peter is down.
[grunts]
What are you saying?
Where on god's
green garden am I?
Well...
Oh!
[laughs]
I know what this is.
[laughs]
This is one of those moments
where I get to choose
whether I want to be some
uhh, etheric
being of an ether fucking around
doing a whole
next to a lot of nothing
or
go back to be
Rottentail one more time.
Kick some butt,
have a lot of fun.
Ohh...
Oh boy, decisions, decisions.
- Yeah, Peter is down.
-Shit.
- Peter is down.
-Ohh.
Yes.
OK.
Well, I need to
harvest his brain, so...
OK.
[electric buzzing]
[electronic beeps]
[metallic rumble]
[rapid beeping]
Come on.
[rapid beeping continues]
[electric crackling]
[loud rumble]
-Oh.
-The General is back!
And I'm still
king of the jungle, bitch!
King mother-fucking Kong!
Ohh boy.
Decisions, decisions.
Oh, I'm bad. I'm so
bad at making choices!
Shit, this is not good!
This is not good.
I suggest everybody just run!
Which way?
Far, far away!
[rhythmic tense music]
Whoa! Let's go!
You know what
I hate most about rabbits?
Whining little... bitch!
[roaring]
Oh shit.
[grunts]
[impact]
[flames crackling]
Oh! What? Oh, shit!
[screaming]
Oh, shoot!
Oh, no!
[screaming]
Oh, wow! Shoot!
[screaming]
[dramatic music continues]
[fuse hissing]
[grunting]
Oh, fine.
[grunting]
You win!
[grunts]
Rottentail it is!
[maniacal laughter]
[grunting]
[fast-paced heavy metal music]
Hey, Dingledork!
Killing a rabbit
is a very bad habit!
I told you, you should
have left that to your lab!
You bitch!
[scuffling]
grunting]
[grunting]
Walk like a lily-pad!
Kick like a kangaroo!
[yelling]
Normally, I'm vegan, but
uhh, what the heck?
[yelling]
[roaring]
Now for a kick!
[both roaring]
Peter Cotton
is that all you've got?
Bring it on!
[scuffling]
grunting]
Time to put my foot down!
[yelling]
[impact]
[electronic sizzling]
[electric crackling]
[crackling stops]
No more Dingledork.
[grunting]
No more
uhh, Jay Kay, Jake.
[groans]
[fuse hissing]
I want you
to pull your men back.
I have direct orders to
wipe this place off the map.
Yes, sir. I will do it.
-Call in that airstrike.
-Yes, sir.
Fall back!
Fall back!
Twenty miles.
Five thousand miles.
Stealth situation.
[muttering]
[groaning]
Peter!
You have to go, save yourself.
No, I can't. I can't leave you.
Listen.
Peter wants you sniffing roses
not pushing up daisies.
[fuse hissing]
Listen...
It's what Peter wants.
He wants you to live.
He wants you
to have a long life
and to see you
in the next one, I promise.
Oh, Peter...
Please, Anna. Go!
Ohh...
[kissing]
Go...
Please go!
OK, OK.
[sobs]
Don't worry. Peter loves you.
Five, five, five, five...
[jet engines roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[rhythmic dramatic music]
[groaning]
Tango Foxtrot.
[missile roaring]
[groaning]
Oh, shit, I'm gonna die.
[missile roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[missile roaring]
[fuse hissing]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[flames whooshing]
Awesome.
[thoughtful music]
Hey, ma'am? Is it bad I'm
glad the Easter Bunny is dead?
[flames crackling]
No, sweetheart. It's not bad.
[music continues]
Slut!
You go back and get my dick!
Now! That's an order!
That's an order, goddammit!
[muttering]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[projector whirring]
[music ends]
[projector whirring]
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic organ music]
-Push!
-I can't!
You need to push!
-Come on!
-No, I can't!
One more push!
Come on!
[wet squishy sounds]
-Push!
-I can't!
-Yes, you can!
-I can't!
-Come on, baby!
-Yes, you can!
-Push! Push!
-Come on!
Push, bitch!
Try harder!
-I can't!
Push!
Again!
It's coming! I see it!
It's coming!
Tell me now...
what's going on?
[screaming]
[wet popping]
[screaming]
[wet popping]
Give it to me! Come on!
One more push!
That's it!
[yelling]
Yeah!
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
What in Daddy's dick is that?
[screaming]
Oh shit.
[ominous growl]
[ominous hiss]
[roaring]
[scream]
Fucking hell!
[whimpering]
[whimpering]
This ain't my child!
The kid is...
is white!
[ominous growl]
It doesn't matter
how ugly you are.
You can still be my baby!
[discordant sound]
What?
[roaring]
No!
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[screaming continues]
[scuffling sounds]
[dramatic music]
[ending song]
Hi. I'm Pastor Jake
Mulligan of Mulligan Ministries.
Let me ask you a question...
Do you have a...
maybe a strange teenage son
or teenage daughter
uhh, maybe your
teenage son or nephew
doesn't like
football or baseball.
Maybe he hasn't
shown any interest
in, uhh, girls.
Well, that's OK
because here
at Mulligan Ministries
we accept
everyone who's got a job.
Now I love you,
and I know you love me.
So come down here this Sunday
if you have a job.
Come down here this Sunday
and let me heal you,
and heal your family.
We accept everyone
at Mulligan Ministries
who's got a job.
Oh, this better be wine!
This is grape juice...
I'm gonna be pissed!
And it's grape juice.
Goddammit!
What did I tell you all?
I want red wine
for blood of Jesus. Jesus juice!
Now go get me some wine!
Goddamn!
How's Pastor Jake
gonna get anything done
without Jesus juice?
There it is- oh,
there's some duck feathers!
Bring 'em in,
more duck feathers.
When Pastor
Jake says, duck feathers!
Bring me duck feathers!
Damn!
This is nowhere near enough!
Honey, can you get
me one of them Valiums?
I started shaking like crazy.
I'm nervous!
I always get
nervous right before the-
Dammit, who's doing the smoke?
Oh god, I don't
know if I can do it today.
I'm telling you, I think
I drank a little too much.
There we go.
As a lamb...
Is that a lamb
or a deer, what is that?
Goddammit,
that's not a lamb, is it?
It looks like a fucking deer!
What the fuck
is this thing here?
This is no goddamn lamb!
Well, Pastor Jake wants a lamb
the lamb of Jesus, dammit!
We've got to deal with
many different kinds of minds.
Jesus, oh Jesus
Hi. Pastor Jake Mulligan
here, of Mulligan Ministries.
You may be
wondering what's in my lap.
Well, a deer of god.
Now, this Sunday,
at Mulligan Ministries
we got a whole lot going on.
You're a masturbator? 19,95.
If you drink too much,
22 dollars, that's it.
Flat rate, 22 dollars.
Anything you got
whether it might
be heart disease
it might be diabetes.
I know a lot of you
out there, you're fat
come down here,
Mulligan Ministries
and give me 25 dollars, and
I'll heal you of your diabetes.
I got a package, too.
For 35 dollars,
I'll heal diabetes
I'll heal chronic masturbation
and drug addiction,
all of it, your whole family
for 35 dollars.
Bring your children
down here. They might be
gay or weird, that's all right.
We accept everyone
at Mulligan Ministries
and I'll heal them
anyway, 35 dollars.
And that's a big one.
Imagine having a son who's
gay, and 35 dollars later
he's straight, he likes girls...
That's amazing, I love that.
For me,
I love that. That's a deal.
Thirty-five
dollars, it's all it is.
The deer of god,
right here on my lap.
OK? What do
you think about that?
I'll tell you what,
I can do all your family.
I can do cousins,
nephews, uncles, everybody
for forty dollars. That's it.
That's it. Forty
dollars. Everything.
Diabetes, drug
addiction, homosexuality
you got it. Whatever you
got, come on down here
and see the deer of god.
Pastor Jake Mulligan,
of Mulligan Ministries.
I love you.
Jesus loves you, too.
[upbeat gospel song]
[record scratching]
[hard rock rap song]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song continues]
[song fades]