Russell Peters: Act Your Age (2024) Movie Script
1
And now ladies and gentlemen,
Canada's own and the pride
of Brampton, Ontario,
Etihad Arena, give it up
for Russell Peters!
- Hey, hey,
Abu Dhabi!
Give it up for my DJ,
Starting From Scratch,
the one and only.
Give it up for that guy for
never giving up a buffet.
Give it up.
I mean that respectfully, I mean.
I mean they're called skinny
jeans is all I'm saying.
Good to have white people in the middle.
That's nice to see.
This is how you know the Arabs
didn't wanna sit right there.
They're like, no, please.
I'll be like, please, take this seat.
Best seat, best seat.
No, I love you.
I want you to have.
I want you, please, enjoy.
Please, please.
Where are you guys from?
- UK.
UK, I'm fine, thank you,
but where are you from?
Where are you from?
- You don't like my answer.
I'm from Russia.
- You're from Russia?
That's okay.
I'm not Ukrainian. It's
fine, you can be Russian.
I don't give a shit,
and you're from the UK?
- London.
- Good, London, and you?
- Dubai.
Dubai, no, that's what I
thought when I looked at you.
Look like a bootleg Dubai,
maybe like the karama version of Dubai.
I don't know, man,
and what's your name, Russian guy?
Your name?
- Tim.
- Tim?
- Yeah, Timor.
- Tim, Timor?
Timor, Timor.
- I'm actually also from Dubai, but.
- I know you all think you're from Dubai,
but if you don't have an Emirati passport,
you're just visiting like the rest of us.
What are you doing out here, Tim?
What made you invade?
I mean, come, come here.
- Here, I'm laughing, having a good time.
- You're having a good time.
You living out here or you live out here?
- Yeah.
- Is your hearing bad?
Were you on the war front
and the fucking explosions got to you?
Boom, bliat, I don't
know what is happening.
Do you know that brown kid
beside you, that one there?
Do you know him?
Just checking.
I mean, it's Dubai.
Everybody owns an Indian somehow.
I don't know.
We all check.
I dunno if there was a
group on or something, but.
Well, it's nice to see white
people at least, you know?
And then people in white.
I don't like the term.
I want to let you guys know.
What's your name, English guy?
- Martin.
- Martin?
- Yes, right.
Be honest with you, Martin,
you sound like a bit of a cunt.
I say it with respect, mate, all right?
And who's the ginger bastard with you?
Hey, the big guy's like,
thank God the heat's off me.
It's better to get it first,
then the rest of 'em take it after.
You know what I mean?
- My boss.
- That's your boss?
Oh nice, are you the boss?
He's like, don't enter anything either.
Are you Arab, sir?
No, what are you?
- From Pakistan. I live in.
- You're from Pakistan.
So you're Indian.
Listen, if you did some
DNA tracing, surprise.
I don't like the term
white people, Martin.
That's what I was trying to say.
I'll tell you why I don't
like the term white people,
because you hear white people,
you automatically assume color,
and that's just not the case with white.
Anybody could be physically white, really.
Anybody, like you can go to
India and go to the north,
and you'll meet a guy with
white skin and blue eyes.
You'll be like, you white?
He'd be like, not even a tiny bit.
Like white's more than the color.
You know, like look at some of the Asians.
Look at some of the Chinese,
the Koreans, the Japanese.
They're physically
whiter than white people,
but somehow, white people
got the title of white.
Obviously, you know, when
you look at the other Asians
that they're not white, you
know, for obvious reasons,
'cause they're good at math, you know?
So, but even though white
people got the title of white,
like there's a lot of
people that are like,
look at the girl behind you.
She's very light skinned, right?
You're a light skinned
lady, but I could tell
that you're not white, but
white people wouldn't know.
You know what I mean?
Are you Pakistani?
I could tell right away.
You guys gave each other
some sort of weird look like.
I dunno, some sort of
weird Pakistani hand code,
but physically, you're very fair-skinned.
You know what I mean?
Like would you have known, Martin,
that that lady wasn't white?
I mean, obviously 'cause we're here,
but if we were somewhere
else, you might have thought,
you know, this is what happens
to like non-white people
that are very light skinned.
We have this identity crisis.
So we'll try to pass
ourselves, not me but them.
They will, I don't fucking
pass off as anything, you know,
other than, you know, what you see,
but you'll meet like people
that are very light-skinned
and they'll pass themselves off as white,
and the only people that
believe them are white people.
The rest of us can see right through them,
and like, I'm like, dude,
I know you're not white.
How do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?
I go, you're very fair-skinned,
but I know you're not white.
Well, how do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?
I go, you look pale,
but I know you're not.
How do you know I'm not white?
Because your fucking name is Gerbreet,
and when you're not actually white
but you're just physically white,
like you're not an actual white person,
your body will remind you.
You know what I mean?
Like, you sweetheart, you're
very fair-skinned, right?
But I bet you your nipples
are chocolatey as fuck.
You know what I mean?
Like just, you know what I mean?
Like show me one real
quick, just one, just one.
It's not for me.
It's for science, it's for science.
I don't want to see it like
sexually just, okay, white lady.
There's a white lady.
White lady, show her
one of yours real quick.
I want you to see what they
look like when they're raw.
It's like uncooked.
White women have nipple tartar.
It's amazing.
You gotta see this.
Okay, take me, for example, right?
I'm a medium brown, right?
There's darker brown than me.
There's lighter brown than me, right?
But even though I'm medium
brown, my junk black as fuck.
I don't understand.
I'm showering, I'm uncomfortable.
Like who is this?
Somebody just got the joke.
Backstage, they're like,
there might be a delay
with the translation.
I didn't know the delay was
gonna be fucking two days later.
I didn't know that.
I got kids.
I know.
You got kids, Timor?
How many you got, four?
Jesus, you're just like the Russians.
You won't pull out of anything.
Okay, your is Ukraine, okay?
I will not pull out.
Four from one woman, one woman?
Nice, congrats.
It's honorable, 'cause I have four kids
but I only made two of them.
I made two, and then my
wife, she has her own two
that she made before me,
'cause you know she's a whore.
I'm kidding.
She's here.
Babe, I love you, don't leave me.
I don't know where they put my wife,
but hopefully not near an exit row.
I got two kids that I made,
but like I said, Muhammad,
I grew up with Jamaicans,
and so I got some good habits
and some bad habits.
I got rhythm, but then I
got bad habits, you know?
So I got two kids from
two different women.
Thanks, Jamaicans, and
both of my kids are mixed.
Both of my kids are half Hispanic.
I dunno if there's any
Hispanic people here tonight,
Spanish speaking, you know?
Where are you guys from?
- Mexico.
- Mexico,
how the fuck did you end up here?
How many walls did you want to hop?
Jesus Christ.
Mira, we'll hop a wall, a wall,
and then we'll end up with Wallid.
Are you from Mexico?
- Jeuvo.
- Juevo?
- Juevo.
- Your juevos are from Mexico?
Congrats on your juevos.
Yeah, I got two half-Hispanic kids,
but when you have mixed kids,
I want you to know something.
Was your wife Russian?
No, what is she?
Ukraine, that's basically,
so I really wasn't wrong
from the beginning at all, was I?
Baby, this move is called chicken Kyev.
That's not really, I
mean, to you, it's mixed,
but not, you know.
- No, it's not.
- Here's the thing.
When you have mixed kids,
you'll know this to be true.
Oh, there's a couple right there.
I could see that.
That's clearly not the same two people.
Where are you from, sir?
- South Africa.
- South African,
and you're Filipina?
What are you?
- Chinese.
- Chinese, oh wow.
Look at that.
Who would've thought, and
what's your name, sweetheart?
- Christine.
- Christine?
Oh for sure, yeah.
No, I looked at you.
I was like, that's fucking
Christine for sure.
Where are your parents from, Christine?
- Hong Kong.
- Hong Kong, oh yeah, very.
It's a very popular name, Christine.
Do you have a Chinese
name as well, Christine?
What is it?
- Moi Fen.
- Was it?
- Moi Fen?
- Moi Fen?
Isn't that they give you
when you're in the hospital?
We have to give you morphine.
She's in so much pain.
She need morphine, and
what's your family name?
Wong, so you're a Wong morphine.
We gave the Wong morphine.
That's a lawsuit.
Is that your husband, the sad African guy?
Well, you guys can't
stop colonizing either.
Jesus Christ.
Do you guys have babies?
One, how old?
- Eight and a half months.
Eight and, well, brand
new, congratulations.
What did you you name,
what, a boy or girl?
Boy, nice, that's good.
What did you name him?
Did you get a South African
name or a Chinese name?
- We named him Callum.
- Callum, Callum?
You gave him a fucking
thick-ass Irish name.
Did you give him a Chinese
name too, Christine?
So just basically your parents' side.
Is that what it was like?
So when he gets older and
people are like, Callum,
why are you always squinting?
I don't know.
I have no fucking clue.
Callum, are you high?
Whatcha talking about.
I wanna see your mom.
Then you can't meet her.
He's my dad, he's my dad.
Congrats on little Callum, Callum.
When he gets older, you'll notice, though,
depending on how you raise him,
it's not even based on how
you raise 'em, in fact.
Like I'll explain what I mean.
Like, my kids are both half.
They're mixed.
Like my daughter, she's 13.
When your kids are mixed,
they can't be both.
Do you know what I mean?
Like my daughter's 13 now.
Her mother's Ecuadorian.
I'm Indian, and I'm noticing
my daughter at 13 is leaning
towards the Indian side, right?
And it's not a victory.
Trust me.
The last thing we need is more.
You know what I mean?
I dunno if you know this,
Christine, but in April of 2023,
India passed China's population.
We have finally out fucked you.
It's really nothing to be proud of.
The Chinese are still way more organized
than the Indians will ever be.
You could tell when you
look at the military.
The Chinese military's all.
You look at the Indian military, they're.
We're never gonna invade anybody.
Pakistan, you're safe.
We're never gonna show up.
Come on, please, just come home.
Come home.
So my daughter, 13, Ecuadorian and Indian,
leaning towards the Indian side.
Now my son, he's four and a half.
His mother's Mexican, and
I'm noticed my son at four
and a half is leaning
towards the Mexican side,
and that's fine with me, but
I gotta be honest with you.
It's a lot more Mexican
than I was prepared for.
I didn't know you could be this
Mexican at four and a half.
I mean, you're only fucking 50% Mexican.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
Just laugh at this punchline,
'cause I know you're
not gonna get it anyway,
but the rest of the world will
so fuck you and laugh, okay?
Here's how Mexican my son is.
I was with him the other day and I said,
"Baby, you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?"
He said, "Home Depot."
I said, "Wait, you want
to go inside Home Depot?"
"Outside."
How does he know?
You can't fight genetics.
My son is Mexican as hell.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
What's your name, Mexican guys?
- George.
- Jorge?
- Jorge.
- Jorge
- Javier.
- And Javier.
Jorge and Javi.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
Like I said, I live in Los Angeles,
I have a pool in my backyard,
and I have a fence
around my pool, and yeah,
he's halfway up the fucking thing already.
I pulled him off. You
know what he tried to do?
Dig underneath.
I go, "What are you doing?"
My little chaporito, and then
my wife, my wife is Filipina
and which is kind of awkward
walking around the UAE
with a Indian husband and a Filipino wife.
Everyone thinks the
driver's fucking the nanny.
So my wife is, she's here.
Where's my wife?
Where are you, babe?
Where is she?
She's out there, right?
Is she out there? Do
you know where she is?
Oh, she's over there.
Get a shot of her, and
so as they could see
that she's a real person.
Babe, where are you?
Stand up.
There she is.
That's her, that's her,
that's the one I bought.
Anyway, my wife is Filipina,
and she has two daughters
and those are my daughters now,
'cause their dad wasn't exactly active.
So I stepped in on there way.
I mean, he was active to make them,
but after that, nah, you know,
but so those are my babies now.
Those are my girls.
I raised them, but I
raised 'em from 28 to 31,
but my stepdaughters, they're
half black and half Filipina.
So I got black and Filipino and Hispanic
and Indian all in one house.
I should be getting a
tax grant for something.
I don't know.
The only pure breeds in
my house are my dogs.
Mohammad, you'll appreciate this
since you're the only closest
thing to a black guy we have
in here right now.
I'm the first and only
non-black man my wife
has ever been with.
So thanks.
Those were some big penises to fill.
The first time my wife and
I did it I was so scared,
I taped my balls to my
dick just so it looked
like a Pepsi can coming at her.
First time we did it, and when
I tell you I fell in love,
I fell in and I'm like
a turtle on his back.
We can't have stools
like this in my house.
My wife's like, so.
Baby, where did that stool go?
There it is.
I'm kidding.
She's tight, she's tight.
How old are your kids there, Tim?
- 11, 6, 4 and three months.
Wow, space 'em out, and then
you just rush the last few out.
Nice, congrats, and where's your wife?
I guess with the three
month old back right now?
Yeah, you're like, you have the baby.
You stay home.
Did you come with Martin?
Not come with Martin, 'cause obviously,
judging by your track record,
if you did come with Martin,
he'd be pregnant.
How old are you, Timmy?
- 39.
- 39, Goddamn.
39, have four kids.
I'm 53 now.
That's, it's...
- Woo!
- No, it's nothing a woo about.
I'm getting old.
How old are you, sir?
Are you old or no?
- 36.
- 36, yeah, no,
you're only two years
older than my career.
That's not old to me.
That was still the good
old days for me, 36.
Get older and young people
bother you, you know?
Like I used to think
millennials were assholes,
because I'm Gen X.
That's what I guess my
title would be, Gen X,
and then the millennials
came along and we were like,
fuck you, millennials, and
the millennials were like,
what's your problem, dude?
We're just the next generation.
Why do you gotta be all old?
And you know, you don't understand,
and I'm like, we understand.
There's gonna be somebody to
come along and fuck with you.
No there won't.
We're gonna be understanding.
Then Gen Z showed up and millennials like,
what the fuck is their problem?
I'm like, it's inevitable.
As you get older, the next
generation below you is going
to annoy you.
I remember when I was
in my early twenties,
a guy in his fifties came up to me
and was like, "Your generation sucks.
"Your music is trash.
"You haven't contributed to this world.
"I can't wait for life
to kick you in the nuts."
And I remember looking at
him and thinking in my head,
fuck you, you old bastard.
You're just old and
forgot how to enjoy life.
When I get into my fifties,
I'll never be like you.
Ta-da, it's inevitable.
You don't wanna be like that,
but you just can't help it.
You know, if you ever talk to young people
and you have a young person talk to you
and you're like, just shut the fuck up.
They're the ones that
wanna tell you things.
Hey, did you know?
Did you know, did you know?
Did you know you could shut
the fuck up? Did you know that?
Did you know that in the eighties.
I was there!
You're googling my life.
It's funny because like my generation,
I'll admit this openly,
that my generation is
unreasonably annoyed by Gen Z,
and I'll admit it to you,
and I know there's some Gen Z people here.
I could tell, 'cause you're all fidgeting
like fucking crackheads,
'cause you don't have
your phones right now.
You're like.
I just need one TikTok, man.
Let me just check a TikTok, man.
I got these cheeseburgers.
That was for Scratch,
but everything that my
generation doesn't like about you
young people, that kid
who answers questions
and doesn't know he is answering them.
What's your name, buddy?
- Khaled.
- What?
- Khaled.
- Khaled?
Hey, Khalid, how old are you, Khaled?
- 18.
- 18, yeah, you're exactly
who I'm talking about, yeah.
We're gonna call you Khala Khaled.
I feel bad, 'cause your mom's right there,
'cause every time I say
something, your mom does this.
Oh yeah.
This is the one time your mom was like,
I wish I wore the full,
I wish I wore the full.
The one day I should have worn full.
I bring Khala Khaled with me.
Khaled, I'll tell you,
my generation is mean
to your generation, and I
wanna apologize, but I can't,
but it's true, but here's the thing.
Everything my generation doesn't
like about your generation
is actually my generation's fault.
Like every single thing you
guys do that we don't like,
we made that happen.
Like think about what our generation says
about younger people.
They're fucking lazy.
That's our fault, because my
generation said, you know what?
I'm gonna work hard so my kids
don't have to work that hard.
So they can enjoy life a little bit more,
but now we're mad at them for it.
Like why don't you get a job?
I got a job.
I started a YouTube channel.
I'm an influencer.
What the fuck is an influencer?
What do you do?
I open packages, and I film it,
and I tell people what's
inside the package,
and I give them a review of the package.
It's called an unboxing.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Who watches this shit?
I have 5 million subscribers.
Influencer, that's a real job.
We didn't have any
influencers in my generation.
Saled, did you know any
influencers growing up?
I did, I knew one.
I knew one influencer.
It was my dad's right hand.
That was the only influencer I knew.
Do the dishes.
I don't want to.
How about influence you?
I'll open your head up like a package.
I'll tell everybody
what's inside, nothing.
Unboxing.
My generation boxed,
this generation unbox.
Pop-pop, oh, look inside.
It comes in great packaging.
I really like.
It's a nice weight.
It's got a good weight to it,
but everything they do that
we don't like, we did this.
They're always on their cell phone.
That's our fault.
We made the cell phone.
They don't know what life was
like without the internet.
That's our fault.
We made the internet.
They're soft.
They never got beaten by their parents.
We are their parents.
It was our job to whoop
their asses, and we failed,
and I know I'm guilty of it,
'cause before I had kids,
I talked all kinds of shit.
I was like, yo, you watch.
When I have kids, I'm gonna fuck them up.
What did I have first?
A daughter, nope, never
gonna hit my daughter.
13 years old, sweetest
little girl in the world.
I raised my voice at my daughter.
I raised my voice at my daughter once
and then I cried right after.
You know the worst part was?
She consoled me.
She was, it's okay, daddy.
You're a nice daddy,
but if you think about it,
every generation's ass
whoopings got less and less
and less to where it's at now.
I remember my dad used to tell me
how much better my ass whoopings
were than the ones he got
while he was whooping my ass.
You're lucky this is all you're getting!
You know your grandfather
threw a leopard at me.
What the, what?
Where'd he get a leopard from?
It was India.
They went everywhere.
I was like, dad, I've
been to India 20 times.
I never saw one leopard.
That's because of your grandfather.
Everything that's wrong with
this generation is our fault.
We did this to them, but they
took it to another level.
We kind of set it up, and they
just went extreme with it.
Like I'm from the generation
that makes fun of you.
When we meet you, my
generation makes fun of you.
We fuck with you, and that's
how we check your temperature.
Like if you can deal with my bullshit,
then we can be friends.
You know what I mean?
But this younger generation,
they do not get that at all,
'cause they're so used to being fake.
Like everything about them is fake.
You don't know how to be real anymore.
Maybe you do.
I don't know, Khaled.
You don't. I can tell you don't
because you raised your hand
and put it down when I asked you.
Like I don't have hands.
Why not?
I'm Khala Khaled,
but everything like your
generation really doesn't
understand the ball breaking.
That's what we call it, Khaled.
We call it ball breaking.
That's what guys do from my generation.
We break balls, and that's
how we know we're okay.
In America, it's even worse.
Like I'll give you an example.
I went to this store, right?
And I was buying a bunch of stuff,
and I get to the cash to pay for it,
and there's two young Gen Z
fuckfaces working there, right?
A guy and a girl maybe
20, 21 years old, right?
And the guy's ringing me up,
and the girl's putting it in the bag,
and some guy walks in to the store,
and the guy ringing me up looks
over and goes, "Oh my God,
"I haven't worked with him in a while."
And then the girl goes, "Oh my god, Enis."
And I go, "What?"
She goes, "That's his name, Enis."
And I go, ha!
"What's his sister's name, Agina?"
And I started laughing, right?
Because it's fucking funny.
That's why I started laughing,
but apparently I laughed
like a psychopath.
I was like.
Thinking that these kids are gonna go
that's pretty funny too, but she went,
"He's really nice, you know?"
I never said he wasn't nice.
I just said his name's Enis.
So you know, it's kinda
kind of funny, right?
And I'm looking at the guy
thinking the guy is going
to be like, oh yeah, come on.
It's funny, it's funny,
like thinking he's gonna go the guy code.
This little fucking nerd
looks at me and goes,
"You know, he was bullied
a lot because of his name."
And I go, "Yeah, he should have been.
"His name is fucking Enis!
"You can't just go naming your kid Enis
"and think everything's gonna be okay.
"There's no winning with this name.
"You're either penis or anus.
"There's nothing good."
These kids just turn over,
"Here's your stuff, sir.
"Thank you very, very much, bye."
I don't want to be the
person, the old guy,
that gets annoyed by young
people, but you just do it.
They're doing things to us, you know?
And at 53, you gotta understand
I'm closer to dementia
than I am to anything else, you know?
And the way this generation's behaving,
I'm gonna think I have dementia
well before I have dementia.
They're trying to get rid of words.
This dude comes out and goes,
"Hey, man, you can't say the R word.
I said, "I was in Japan.
"Neither can they."
I go, "What R word, by the way, Russell?"
He goes, "No, retard."
I go, "Who are you calling a retard?"
"No, you can't say retard anymore."
I go, "I just did.
"I got bad news for you, buddy.
"I say retard all the time.
"I say retard.
"I say retarded.
"I say fucking retardation.
"I say it all and I feel nothing."
"Well, you're gonna have to stop."
"I'm not gonna stop saying retard
"until you get the French
to stop saying it."
I was at the airport in Canada
and my flight was delayed,
and in English it said delayed,
and in French it said on retard,
and I laughed like a little school girl.
I couldn't wait to call my friend.
"Yo, you're gonna have
to pick me up later.
"My flight's retarded."
Shit, in the UAE, I bought ibuprofen
that said Brufen retard.
It's literally in every drugstore.
I bought it just to take home with me.
Anything to declare?
Just this retard pills.
So yeah, I'm not gonna stop saying retard.
"Well, you're gonna have to."
I said, "Why?
"Why do I have to stop saying retard?"
"Because it's offensive?"
I was like, "To who?
"You're the one calling
people this, not me."
"I'm calling everything but a
handicapped person a retard.
"You call a handicapped person a retard,
"you're a piece of shit."
"And you can't say gay anymore."
"What?
"I have gay friends.
"I can't be like, yo,
these are my gay friends."
"You can refer to gay people as gay,
"but you can't just go
arbitrarily calling things
"gay anymore."
I go, "This is fucking retarded, dude."
"This is the gayest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
"So wait, I can't say
gay or retard anymore?"
"No."
"How am I supposed to talk to my brother?
"Every conversation is like,
call me back, you retard.
"Don't be gay, click."
You gotta understand.
I grew up in the seventies and eighties.
Gay and retard is all we said.
Gay was the best insult
you could give a guy,
because it wasn't really offensive.
It was more of a ah, you got me.
You know, just you would
never call somebody gay
if they were actually
gay, but in the seventies,
we didn't realize gay was a real thing.
Like in the seventies, like,
nobody's really gay, are they?
I mean, we just didn't know.
It was like a, you know, we
didn't know it was genetic.
We just thought, ah, he is gay.
He is not gay.
I mean, who, who's really gay?
Like if you like buttholes,
women have them too.
You know what I mean?
Like just, we didn't know
it was more than that.
And you would call somebody gay
for doing the most
heterosexual thing possible.
Like you, Tim, you have four
kids with your wife, gay.
You know what I mean?
Because it's the least
gay thing you could do.
We were in denial in the seventies.
Khaled, if you wanna have a
good time, you go to YouTube,
and you type in the best of the 1970s,
and you'll see right in front of you
that the seventies was
the gayest decade ever,
and we had no clue it was gay,
'cause we were in denial about it.
I don't know if you guys
remember The Village People.
Remember Village People?
They were like the gayest
group on the planet,
and we had no clue they were gay.
Like they're not gay.
That guy's a construction worker.
That guy's a biker.
That guy's Native American.
They don't make gay Native Americans.
They're singing about being a macho man.
That's the least gay man you can be.
We didn't know what gay was.
I remember in 1984, I'm in the mall.
I'm 14 years old.
One of my friends runs up and goes,
"Yo, come to the supermarket.
"There's two lesbians."
And I ran because I'm
14 and I heard lesbians.
What do I know about lesbians at 14?
Nothing, all I know is blah, blah, blah.
That's all I know.
That's it.
That's all, blah.
That's it.
That's all I know, and
I'm like, "Oh my God,
"they must be doing it in every aisle."
So I run to the supermarket. I
don't know what I'm thinking.
Like they're just, hey,
let's go to the mall
and blah, blah, blah.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I get to the supermarket.
I'm so mad.
It was just two women
with a shopping cart full of cucumbers.
We didn't know anything in the eighties.
That's why our generation's so fucked up.
Like that's why our
generation created Gen Z.
We passed our fucked upness
to the next generations.
We skipped the millennials,
'cause that was a whole
nother generation's problem.
You know what it is?
Like my generation, everything grown up,
everything fell into this blanket of life.
Everything was called life.
There was no subsections.
Everything that happened to you was life.
You lost your job.
That's life.
My house burnt down, man.
That's life.
My wife left me.
That's life, bro.
Everything was life.
There was nothing to
define it other than life.
Then Gen Z came along and
wanted label everything.
Every fucking thing had a label.
Everything needed a label,
and they OD'ed on the label.
Like I haven't always had ADD.
I know I do, but in the eighties,
there was no diagnosis for the ADD.
I remember in 1985, I went
to the guidance counselor.
I was 15.
I go, "What do you think's wrong with me?"
He goes, "Hmm, you're a fucking idiot."
And I went, "Is that like a professional?"
He goes, "No, no, you're a fucking idiot."
And I remember going,
"Ah, sounds about fair, I think, yeah."
I remember going home.
My dad goes, "What did the
guidance counselor say?"
"He said I was a fucking idiot."
"He's right."
Like everything that
we're complaining about
with Gen Z is our fault too.
Like we complain that they're sensitive.
Like everything bothers them.
What's their problem?
Why are they so sensitive?
How come they get so
offended by everything?
Every interview I do is like, Russell,
you worried about cancel culture?
I'm like, no.
Why not?
Because fucking, these
kids aren't looking at me,
except for Khala Khaled over there,
but they get offended easy,
and that's my generation's fault too,
and I'll tell you why it's our fault.
Because my generation started
political correctness,
but here's what young
people don't understand.
We started political
correctness out of necessity.
We didn't do it 'cause we were bored.
We did it because our parents'
generation was insane.
You gotta understand.
My father, he was born in 1925.
Yeah, and my dad was, here's the thing.
My dad was born in
India while it was still
under British rule.
My dad said racist shit all day long.
He had no clue that it was racist.
I go, dad, you say a lot of racist.
How can it be racist?
I learned English from the British.
They are the least racist people.
We started political correctness
because our parents'
generation didn't know
when not to say something.
There was a Chinese family
three houses down from me.
My dad used to refer to
them as the oriental family.
I'm like, "Dad, they're not rugs."
From the age of four or
five years old to now, 53,
97% of my friends are black.
Which is great, but it
was a little awkward
in my teenage years, because my dad used
to use out-of-date terminology.
I remember being like 15, 16 years old.
My friends would knock on the door.
"Hi, Mr. Peters.
"Is Russell here?"
"One sec.
"Please, do me a favor.
"Go this side, just
stay away from the car.
"Son, there's a young negro
boy here looking for you."
I come down, my dad's pointing at him.
I go, "Dad, why are you pointing at him?"
"So you know where he is?"
There's only one person standing there.
"No, the oriental boy's in the back.
"Look, see?
"He's playing Chinese
checkers or something.
"I dunno what he's doing."
And I go to my dad and this
is what was frustrating
about my parents' generation.
They would defend everything they said,
and their defense would make sense.
I go, "Dad, why did you
call him a young negro boy?"
"What part of that
description is not correct?
"Is he an old white woman?
"No."
So we started political
correctness to stop that kind
of stuff from going forward.
We weren't trying to change the world.
We were just trying to make
little differences so that there
would be less speed bumps
for the next generations.
We meant well.
We were naive, and then these
Gen Z fuckfaces showed up,
and they took advantage
of us, and they were like,
hey, you know that politically
correct thing you guys
are doing?
I'm like, yeah?
We'd like to add some things to it.
Like, oh sure, we must
have missed something.
Well, yeah, what would you like to add?
You know how I was born a male?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm aware of that, yeah.
I don't feel comfortable
identifying as a male anymore.
Oh, okay, well, maybe you'd be
more comfortable identifying
as a female.
No.
Those were the only options.
I just feel like these
are social constructs
that are designed to keep
us apart from each other
when we are neither black nor white,
not male nor female.
We're simply just one people,
one race, the human race,
and I'm like, listen here, other fucker,
I got real life adult
problems going on in my world.
I don't need your young,
confused, bored bullshit
to get in my way.
Now I want you to be whatever
the fuck you want to be,
and I want you to be the best
version of it you can be,
and I'll support whatever it
is you tell me you think you
are, but you can't get
mad at me if I don't know
what you think you are when I look at you.
If I see what I think as a
dude, I'll be like, hey, man.
I'm not a man.
I identify as a table.
How am I supposed to know you're a table?
You only got two legs.
You're a shitty table.
I hear a lot of young people talk
about suffering from anxiety.
I suffer from anxiety.
Oh my God, I'm suffering.
I see you young girls.
You suffer from anxiety, don't you?
Do you get anxiety?
Khaled, do you get anxiety?
No, you sure, buddy?
You're giving your mom anxiety right now.
I'll be honest with you.
Young people, like God,
I suffer from anxiety.
Look at me suffer, fucking anxiety.
How do you get anxiety in your twenties?
You got tax problems.
You got baby mamas.
You don't have any fucking anxiety.
Young people have no clue what anxiety is.
I know what anxiety is,
'cause I dealt with it
without even knowing why
I was dealing with it.
My generation knows anxiety.
Lemme tell you what real anxiety is.
Anxiety, this is what we had to deal with.
Anxiety was trying to masturbate
to porn in the eighties.
That's anxiety, 'cause it's not like now
where it's just everywhere.
Anybody in this room, don't do
it, but anybody in this room,
for no reason, can pull out their phone
and look porn just like that.
Just oh, porn, and then put it away,
and I know what you're
thinking. Oh, not over here.
Yeah, everybody has a VPN, you fuckers.
I know what you do.
I'm surprised Express VPN
hasn't opened up an office here,
but porn is just there.
It's readily available.
It's just there.
Like back in the eighties,
it was not that easy.
It was a different time.
If you wanted to see porn in the eighties,
you actually had to be a real pervert,
because you had to make
a plan, a mental plan.
Not now. You'd be like, I don't know,
I think I might get a boner.
Back then, you would plan it.
All right, tonight, I'm
gonna watch some porn.
I know what you're thinking.
Why couldn't you just watch it anytime?
Because in the eighties,
you only had one TV
and one VCR in the house,
and it was in the living room downstairs.
You couldn't just show up
at 5:30 in the evening.
Hey mom, dad, you're gonna watch the news,
or can I find out what
Debbie's gonna do to Dallas?
You had to make the plan,
and here's what happened.
You would go to bed, and you
would lay awake in your own bed
till like two in the
morning, wide awake, just.
You'd wait for everybody to go to sleep.
That's how demented we were.
You'd wait, then you'd
hear everybody snoring.
You're like, now,
and you'd reach beside the bed
where you had the video tape.
Because you stashed it and
you sneak outta your room.
You're sneaking around your own house
like a perverted burglar with an erection.
It's no good.
Then you have these
missions in front of you.
It's not as simple as
just going downstairs,
putting on a tape, and
bam, you're good to go.
Oh no, no, no.
That would be too easy.
First you gotta sneak downstairs.
First you gotta wait.
Then you gotta grab the tape.
Now you gotta sneak downstairs,
but you can't walk down
the center of the stairs
in case the stairs go.
So you've gotta walk down
the side of the stairs,
and now, okay, now you get downstairs.
Mission one complete.
You got mission two in front
of you. This is a big one.
You're staring at a TV that's
not even turned on yet.
You're staring at it like Indiana Jones.
You're like sweating.
You're like, okay,
'cause what you gotta do is
you gotta turn the TV on.
This is the eighties.
You have to pull the knob on the TV,
but at the same time
that you pull the knob,
you have to turn the volume off.
So you're, woo.
Did you know my generation
didn't even know
that porno had audio?
We had no clue, because you
couldn't keep the volume on.
You're the only thing awake
at this time of night.
You gotta understand. My dad
didn't just grow up in India.
My dad grew up in the jungle in India.
My dad had jungle ears.
He could hear shit we couldn't hear.
Even if I put the volume on,
could you imagine my dad sleeping?
And he just hears, oh, oh!
What's that?
Who's that?
Looks at my mom.
That's not you?
That's not me.
It's downstairs.
There's a leopard.
So now you got the TV on, volume off.
I know what you're thinking,
Khaled, porno time.
No, not even close.
Now you got the third mission.
You gotta get the videotape into the VCR.
Now here's what you need
to understand, Khaled.
Loading a VCR, putting
a videotape in a VCR
in a quiet house, is easily one
of the loudest things you can do.
You might as well just turn a blender on,
just.
So what you gotta do is you
put the video tape to the mouth
of the VCR, then you grab
a pillow off the couch,
and you push the tape in with the pillow,
'cause you need to smother the sound.
You're like, shut the fuck up,
and I know what you're
thinking. Let the porn begin.
No, Khaled, no.
The movie doesn't just start like that.
There's a test pattern
that comes on the screen
and then the ever
boner-killing FBI warning.
Now you're paranoid.
Who's watching me?
And you don't even know about tracking.
To you, tracking is you say, Nike,
and all the ads in your
Instagram come up as Nike.
Back in the day, tracking
was the tape would start,
and there'd be these
lines across the screen
and just the would be shaking like this.
You're not even sure if it's a tit.
Like is that a nipple or a hubcap?
I can't tell. Is it a car or a boob?
I don't know.
Fuck it, I'll take it.
You don't know.
You just don't know.
So now you got this shaking
boob on your screen like this,
and unless you're into Parkinson's porn,
this is not gonna work for you.
So now you gotta walk over to the VCR,
and there's a button called
tracking that you have
to hit plus or minus or
wheel, whatever you had,
until you got a steady tit, bam.
Now you're good to go.
You live in a very different time.
Like you can go to PornHub
a hundred thousand different
times, and in a hundred
thousand different times
of going to PornHub, you may
never repeat the same scene.
That's how much porn there is now.
Back in the day, we looked at
the same tape for four years.
We had to act like it was new every time.
You'd put it on, you'd be
like, hello, Ginger Lynn.
I haven't seen you in a while.
We had to improvise.
PornHub ruined everything for me.
Lemme tell you what PornHub is.
Here's what the problem with PornHub is.
PornHub took away all
the mystery from porn.
I know some of you're
a little uncomfortable
right now just hearing porn,
but it's not gonna make a graphic.
Don't worry.
I know in your head you're
going, this is Haram.
I don't want to hear it.
It's just the words.
It's nothing graphic here.
I want the women to stay with
us on this one, all right?
But porn, here's what Pornhub is like,
back in the seventies and
eighties, porn movies had titles,
and the titles were very subtle.
You wouldn't even know it was a porn.
Here's a real porno
title from the seventies,
Behind the Green Door.
You go, well, what's
behind the green door?
I don't know.
We better find out.
Porno movies had titles.
They were shot on film.
You know where you had to go
to see a porno movie, Khaled,
back in the seventies?
A movie theater.
I wish there were some Babas
in here who could tell us
that they went.
I know if I was old
enough in the seventies,
hell yeah, I would've gone
to a porno movie theater.
Would I have gotten popcorn?
Probably not.
That's a commitment right there.
This is salty.
I don't know what's
wrong with this popcorn.
This butter is sticky.
The porno movies used to
have titles, original titles,
seventies and eighties, original titles.
Nineties, you know what
they did in the nineties?
They got lazy in the nineties with porn.
They started taking real movie titles
and turning them into porno titles.
So it'd be like Men in
Black Women, Forest Hump,
Poca Hotass, Schindler's Fist,
Shaving Ryan's privates,
you know, all the classics,
all the classics, I know,
and then along came PornHub
and just ruined everything.
PornHub took the mystery out of porn.
That's why I don't like PornHub,
'cause it's like there's
no titles anymore.
There's just, there's no movies.
There's just scenes,
and there's no titles.
There's just explicit descriptions
of what you're about to see.
PornHub titles remind me
of white people's food.
Let me explain.
Let's take Indian food,
for example, right?
So to make Indian food,
you need a whole lot
of different ingredients,
and because we use so many
different ingredients,
we have to name the dishes.
Like what is that?
It's biryani.
What is that?
It's rogan josh.
What is that?
It's chicken masala.
We give it names because
of all the ingredients.
White people, I'm not here to judge you,
but you're very limited with
your ingredients to the point
where you literally name your
food after the ingredients.
What is that?
It's lemon pepper chicken.
What's in it?
Lemon, pepper,
and you guessed it, chicken.
Ooh, what's that?
Macaroni and cheese.
What's in it?
Macaroni and cheese.
Ooh, what's that?
Fish and chips.
What's in it?
Well, what the fuck do you think is in it?
That's what PornHub titles are like.
There's no mystery anymore.
You go to PornHub, it's just like,
hot Asian girl getting destroyed
by BBC, and you're like,
Goddamn, and my mom walks in, oh, the BBC.
I love the BBC.
I go, no, no, no!
This is not the BBC you're thinking of!
Keep it on.
I wanna see the weather.
That's not precipitation!
They don't know the struggle.
Khaled, you don't know
what the struggle was like
in the eighties.
In the eighties, we had to improvise.
We would try anything.
These catalogs would
from department stores.
They'd get mailed to your house.
Especially in North America,
there was a store called Sears.
They would mail you a Sears
catalog, and the catalog,
this is all before the internet, Khaled.
The catalog would have all
the inventory from the store
in this one book, and they'd
send it out every season,
and you'd open the book, and
you'd find what you wanted.
You'd make a little
mark and you'd be like,
I'm gonna go to the store,
and I'm gonna get this, right?
But if you were a perverted
teenager like I was
in the eighties, you would go
to the women's underwear
department in the book.
Because it was the eighties,
there was no Photoshop.
So you'd go to the women's bra department
and you'd look, if it was a lace bra,
you might see a nipple in the
back, and then bah, right?
So or if you were a real perv like me,
you'd go to the panties and you'd look
and there'd be like little hairs
creeping out the side like,
but it was the eighties.
So you gotta understand.
Like the women were natural
back then, like big.
It was like your hair, ma'am.
You got a shot of that, right?
There we go, yeah.
That right there, yeah, yeah.
It's like trying to put
a mask on your head.
You know what I mean?
Listen, but that's what it
was like in the eighties.
Women had a big old bush.
Then the nineties, they streamlined it.
They made a little landing strip.
Two thousands, they went bald.
2023, dick.
Thank you very much.
You guys are great.
Thank you!
And now ladies and gentlemen,
Canada's own and the pride
of Brampton, Ontario,
Etihad Arena, give it up
for Russell Peters!
- Hey, hey,
Abu Dhabi!
Give it up for my DJ,
Starting From Scratch,
the one and only.
Give it up for that guy for
never giving up a buffet.
Give it up.
I mean that respectfully, I mean.
I mean they're called skinny
jeans is all I'm saying.
Good to have white people in the middle.
That's nice to see.
This is how you know the Arabs
didn't wanna sit right there.
They're like, no, please.
I'll be like, please, take this seat.
Best seat, best seat.
No, I love you.
I want you to have.
I want you, please, enjoy.
Please, please.
Where are you guys from?
- UK.
UK, I'm fine, thank you,
but where are you from?
Where are you from?
- You don't like my answer.
I'm from Russia.
- You're from Russia?
That's okay.
I'm not Ukrainian. It's
fine, you can be Russian.
I don't give a shit,
and you're from the UK?
- London.
- Good, London, and you?
- Dubai.
Dubai, no, that's what I
thought when I looked at you.
Look like a bootleg Dubai,
maybe like the karama version of Dubai.
I don't know, man,
and what's your name, Russian guy?
Your name?
- Tim.
- Tim?
- Yeah, Timor.
- Tim, Timor?
Timor, Timor.
- I'm actually also from Dubai, but.
- I know you all think you're from Dubai,
but if you don't have an Emirati passport,
you're just visiting like the rest of us.
What are you doing out here, Tim?
What made you invade?
I mean, come, come here.
- Here, I'm laughing, having a good time.
- You're having a good time.
You living out here or you live out here?
- Yeah.
- Is your hearing bad?
Were you on the war front
and the fucking explosions got to you?
Boom, bliat, I don't
know what is happening.
Do you know that brown kid
beside you, that one there?
Do you know him?
Just checking.
I mean, it's Dubai.
Everybody owns an Indian somehow.
I don't know.
We all check.
I dunno if there was a
group on or something, but.
Well, it's nice to see white
people at least, you know?
And then people in white.
I don't like the term.
I want to let you guys know.
What's your name, English guy?
- Martin.
- Martin?
- Yes, right.
Be honest with you, Martin,
you sound like a bit of a cunt.
I say it with respect, mate, all right?
And who's the ginger bastard with you?
Hey, the big guy's like,
thank God the heat's off me.
It's better to get it first,
then the rest of 'em take it after.
You know what I mean?
- My boss.
- That's your boss?
Oh nice, are you the boss?
He's like, don't enter anything either.
Are you Arab, sir?
No, what are you?
- From Pakistan. I live in.
- You're from Pakistan.
So you're Indian.
Listen, if you did some
DNA tracing, surprise.
I don't like the term
white people, Martin.
That's what I was trying to say.
I'll tell you why I don't
like the term white people,
because you hear white people,
you automatically assume color,
and that's just not the case with white.
Anybody could be physically white, really.
Anybody, like you can go to
India and go to the north,
and you'll meet a guy with
white skin and blue eyes.
You'll be like, you white?
He'd be like, not even a tiny bit.
Like white's more than the color.
You know, like look at some of the Asians.
Look at some of the Chinese,
the Koreans, the Japanese.
They're physically
whiter than white people,
but somehow, white people
got the title of white.
Obviously, you know, when
you look at the other Asians
that they're not white, you
know, for obvious reasons,
'cause they're good at math, you know?
So, but even though white
people got the title of white,
like there's a lot of
people that are like,
look at the girl behind you.
She's very light skinned, right?
You're a light skinned
lady, but I could tell
that you're not white, but
white people wouldn't know.
You know what I mean?
Are you Pakistani?
I could tell right away.
You guys gave each other
some sort of weird look like.
I dunno, some sort of
weird Pakistani hand code,
but physically, you're very fair-skinned.
You know what I mean?
Like would you have known, Martin,
that that lady wasn't white?
I mean, obviously 'cause we're here,
but if we were somewhere
else, you might have thought,
you know, this is what happens
to like non-white people
that are very light skinned.
We have this identity crisis.
So we'll try to pass
ourselves, not me but them.
They will, I don't fucking
pass off as anything, you know,
other than, you know, what you see,
but you'll meet like people
that are very light-skinned
and they'll pass themselves off as white,
and the only people that
believe them are white people.
The rest of us can see right through them,
and like, I'm like, dude,
I know you're not white.
How do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?
I go, you're very fair-skinned,
but I know you're not white.
Well, how do you know I'm not
white? Don't I look white?
I go, you look pale,
but I know you're not.
How do you know I'm not white?
Because your fucking name is Gerbreet,
and when you're not actually white
but you're just physically white,
like you're not an actual white person,
your body will remind you.
You know what I mean?
Like, you sweetheart, you're
very fair-skinned, right?
But I bet you your nipples
are chocolatey as fuck.
You know what I mean?
Like just, you know what I mean?
Like show me one real
quick, just one, just one.
It's not for me.
It's for science, it's for science.
I don't want to see it like
sexually just, okay, white lady.
There's a white lady.
White lady, show her
one of yours real quick.
I want you to see what they
look like when they're raw.
It's like uncooked.
White women have nipple tartar.
It's amazing.
You gotta see this.
Okay, take me, for example, right?
I'm a medium brown, right?
There's darker brown than me.
There's lighter brown than me, right?
But even though I'm medium
brown, my junk black as fuck.
I don't understand.
I'm showering, I'm uncomfortable.
Like who is this?
Somebody just got the joke.
Backstage, they're like,
there might be a delay
with the translation.
I didn't know the delay was
gonna be fucking two days later.
I didn't know that.
I got kids.
I know.
You got kids, Timor?
How many you got, four?
Jesus, you're just like the Russians.
You won't pull out of anything.
Okay, your is Ukraine, okay?
I will not pull out.
Four from one woman, one woman?
Nice, congrats.
It's honorable, 'cause I have four kids
but I only made two of them.
I made two, and then my
wife, she has her own two
that she made before me,
'cause you know she's a whore.
I'm kidding.
She's here.
Babe, I love you, don't leave me.
I don't know where they put my wife,
but hopefully not near an exit row.
I got two kids that I made,
but like I said, Muhammad,
I grew up with Jamaicans,
and so I got some good habits
and some bad habits.
I got rhythm, but then I
got bad habits, you know?
So I got two kids from
two different women.
Thanks, Jamaicans, and
both of my kids are mixed.
Both of my kids are half Hispanic.
I dunno if there's any
Hispanic people here tonight,
Spanish speaking, you know?
Where are you guys from?
- Mexico.
- Mexico,
how the fuck did you end up here?
How many walls did you want to hop?
Jesus Christ.
Mira, we'll hop a wall, a wall,
and then we'll end up with Wallid.
Are you from Mexico?
- Jeuvo.
- Juevo?
- Juevo.
- Your juevos are from Mexico?
Congrats on your juevos.
Yeah, I got two half-Hispanic kids,
but when you have mixed kids,
I want you to know something.
Was your wife Russian?
No, what is she?
Ukraine, that's basically,
so I really wasn't wrong
from the beginning at all, was I?
Baby, this move is called chicken Kyev.
That's not really, I
mean, to you, it's mixed,
but not, you know.
- No, it's not.
- Here's the thing.
When you have mixed kids,
you'll know this to be true.
Oh, there's a couple right there.
I could see that.
That's clearly not the same two people.
Where are you from, sir?
- South Africa.
- South African,
and you're Filipina?
What are you?
- Chinese.
- Chinese, oh wow.
Look at that.
Who would've thought, and
what's your name, sweetheart?
- Christine.
- Christine?
Oh for sure, yeah.
No, I looked at you.
I was like, that's fucking
Christine for sure.
Where are your parents from, Christine?
- Hong Kong.
- Hong Kong, oh yeah, very.
It's a very popular name, Christine.
Do you have a Chinese
name as well, Christine?
What is it?
- Moi Fen.
- Was it?
- Moi Fen?
- Moi Fen?
Isn't that they give you
when you're in the hospital?
We have to give you morphine.
She's in so much pain.
She need morphine, and
what's your family name?
Wong, so you're a Wong morphine.
We gave the Wong morphine.
That's a lawsuit.
Is that your husband, the sad African guy?
Well, you guys can't
stop colonizing either.
Jesus Christ.
Do you guys have babies?
One, how old?
- Eight and a half months.
Eight and, well, brand
new, congratulations.
What did you you name,
what, a boy or girl?
Boy, nice, that's good.
What did you name him?
Did you get a South African
name or a Chinese name?
- We named him Callum.
- Callum, Callum?
You gave him a fucking
thick-ass Irish name.
Did you give him a Chinese
name too, Christine?
So just basically your parents' side.
Is that what it was like?
So when he gets older and
people are like, Callum,
why are you always squinting?
I don't know.
I have no fucking clue.
Callum, are you high?
Whatcha talking about.
I wanna see your mom.
Then you can't meet her.
He's my dad, he's my dad.
Congrats on little Callum, Callum.
When he gets older, you'll notice, though,
depending on how you raise him,
it's not even based on how
you raise 'em, in fact.
Like I'll explain what I mean.
Like, my kids are both half.
They're mixed.
Like my daughter, she's 13.
When your kids are mixed,
they can't be both.
Do you know what I mean?
Like my daughter's 13 now.
Her mother's Ecuadorian.
I'm Indian, and I'm noticing
my daughter at 13 is leaning
towards the Indian side, right?
And it's not a victory.
Trust me.
The last thing we need is more.
You know what I mean?
I dunno if you know this,
Christine, but in April of 2023,
India passed China's population.
We have finally out fucked you.
It's really nothing to be proud of.
The Chinese are still way more organized
than the Indians will ever be.
You could tell when you
look at the military.
The Chinese military's all.
You look at the Indian military, they're.
We're never gonna invade anybody.
Pakistan, you're safe.
We're never gonna show up.
Come on, please, just come home.
Come home.
So my daughter, 13, Ecuadorian and Indian,
leaning towards the Indian side.
Now my son, he's four and a half.
His mother's Mexican, and
I'm noticed my son at four
and a half is leaning
towards the Mexican side,
and that's fine with me, but
I gotta be honest with you.
It's a lot more Mexican
than I was prepared for.
I didn't know you could be this
Mexican at four and a half.
I mean, you're only fucking 50% Mexican.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
Just laugh at this punchline,
'cause I know you're
not gonna get it anyway,
but the rest of the world will
so fuck you and laugh, okay?
Here's how Mexican my son is.
I was with him the other day and I said,
"Baby, you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?"
He said, "Home Depot."
I said, "Wait, you want
to go inside Home Depot?"
"Outside."
How does he know?
You can't fight genetics.
My son is Mexican as hell.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
What's your name, Mexican guys?
- George.
- Jorge?
- Jorge.
- Jorge
- Javier.
- And Javier.
Jorge and Javi.
Here's how Mexican my son is.
Like I said, I live in Los Angeles,
I have a pool in my backyard,
and I have a fence
around my pool, and yeah,
he's halfway up the fucking thing already.
I pulled him off. You
know what he tried to do?
Dig underneath.
I go, "What are you doing?"
My little chaporito, and then
my wife, my wife is Filipina
and which is kind of awkward
walking around the UAE
with a Indian husband and a Filipino wife.
Everyone thinks the
driver's fucking the nanny.
So my wife is, she's here.
Where's my wife?
Where are you, babe?
Where is she?
She's out there, right?
Is she out there? Do
you know where she is?
Oh, she's over there.
Get a shot of her, and
so as they could see
that she's a real person.
Babe, where are you?
Stand up.
There she is.
That's her, that's her,
that's the one I bought.
Anyway, my wife is Filipina,
and she has two daughters
and those are my daughters now,
'cause their dad wasn't exactly active.
So I stepped in on there way.
I mean, he was active to make them,
but after that, nah, you know,
but so those are my babies now.
Those are my girls.
I raised them, but I
raised 'em from 28 to 31,
but my stepdaughters, they're
half black and half Filipina.
So I got black and Filipino and Hispanic
and Indian all in one house.
I should be getting a
tax grant for something.
I don't know.
The only pure breeds in
my house are my dogs.
Mohammad, you'll appreciate this
since you're the only closest
thing to a black guy we have
in here right now.
I'm the first and only
non-black man my wife
has ever been with.
So thanks.
Those were some big penises to fill.
The first time my wife and
I did it I was so scared,
I taped my balls to my
dick just so it looked
like a Pepsi can coming at her.
First time we did it, and when
I tell you I fell in love,
I fell in and I'm like
a turtle on his back.
We can't have stools
like this in my house.
My wife's like, so.
Baby, where did that stool go?
There it is.
I'm kidding.
She's tight, she's tight.
How old are your kids there, Tim?
- 11, 6, 4 and three months.
Wow, space 'em out, and then
you just rush the last few out.
Nice, congrats, and where's your wife?
I guess with the three
month old back right now?
Yeah, you're like, you have the baby.
You stay home.
Did you come with Martin?
Not come with Martin, 'cause obviously,
judging by your track record,
if you did come with Martin,
he'd be pregnant.
How old are you, Timmy?
- 39.
- 39, Goddamn.
39, have four kids.
I'm 53 now.
That's, it's...
- Woo!
- No, it's nothing a woo about.
I'm getting old.
How old are you, sir?
Are you old or no?
- 36.
- 36, yeah, no,
you're only two years
older than my career.
That's not old to me.
That was still the good
old days for me, 36.
Get older and young people
bother you, you know?
Like I used to think
millennials were assholes,
because I'm Gen X.
That's what I guess my
title would be, Gen X,
and then the millennials
came along and we were like,
fuck you, millennials, and
the millennials were like,
what's your problem, dude?
We're just the next generation.
Why do you gotta be all old?
And you know, you don't understand,
and I'm like, we understand.
There's gonna be somebody to
come along and fuck with you.
No there won't.
We're gonna be understanding.
Then Gen Z showed up and millennials like,
what the fuck is their problem?
I'm like, it's inevitable.
As you get older, the next
generation below you is going
to annoy you.
I remember when I was
in my early twenties,
a guy in his fifties came up to me
and was like, "Your generation sucks.
"Your music is trash.
"You haven't contributed to this world.
"I can't wait for life
to kick you in the nuts."
And I remember looking at
him and thinking in my head,
fuck you, you old bastard.
You're just old and
forgot how to enjoy life.
When I get into my fifties,
I'll never be like you.
Ta-da, it's inevitable.
You don't wanna be like that,
but you just can't help it.
You know, if you ever talk to young people
and you have a young person talk to you
and you're like, just shut the fuck up.
They're the ones that
wanna tell you things.
Hey, did you know?
Did you know, did you know?
Did you know you could shut
the fuck up? Did you know that?
Did you know that in the eighties.
I was there!
You're googling my life.
It's funny because like my generation,
I'll admit this openly,
that my generation is
unreasonably annoyed by Gen Z,
and I'll admit it to you,
and I know there's some Gen Z people here.
I could tell, 'cause you're all fidgeting
like fucking crackheads,
'cause you don't have
your phones right now.
You're like.
I just need one TikTok, man.
Let me just check a TikTok, man.
I got these cheeseburgers.
That was for Scratch,
but everything that my
generation doesn't like about you
young people, that kid
who answers questions
and doesn't know he is answering them.
What's your name, buddy?
- Khaled.
- What?
- Khaled.
- Khaled?
Hey, Khalid, how old are you, Khaled?
- 18.
- 18, yeah, you're exactly
who I'm talking about, yeah.
We're gonna call you Khala Khaled.
I feel bad, 'cause your mom's right there,
'cause every time I say
something, your mom does this.
Oh yeah.
This is the one time your mom was like,
I wish I wore the full,
I wish I wore the full.
The one day I should have worn full.
I bring Khala Khaled with me.
Khaled, I'll tell you,
my generation is mean
to your generation, and I
wanna apologize, but I can't,
but it's true, but here's the thing.
Everything my generation doesn't
like about your generation
is actually my generation's fault.
Like every single thing you
guys do that we don't like,
we made that happen.
Like think about what our generation says
about younger people.
They're fucking lazy.
That's our fault, because my
generation said, you know what?
I'm gonna work hard so my kids
don't have to work that hard.
So they can enjoy life a little bit more,
but now we're mad at them for it.
Like why don't you get a job?
I got a job.
I started a YouTube channel.
I'm an influencer.
What the fuck is an influencer?
What do you do?
I open packages, and I film it,
and I tell people what's
inside the package,
and I give them a review of the package.
It's called an unboxing.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Who watches this shit?
I have 5 million subscribers.
Influencer, that's a real job.
We didn't have any
influencers in my generation.
Saled, did you know any
influencers growing up?
I did, I knew one.
I knew one influencer.
It was my dad's right hand.
That was the only influencer I knew.
Do the dishes.
I don't want to.
How about influence you?
I'll open your head up like a package.
I'll tell everybody
what's inside, nothing.
Unboxing.
My generation boxed,
this generation unbox.
Pop-pop, oh, look inside.
It comes in great packaging.
I really like.
It's a nice weight.
It's got a good weight to it,
but everything they do that
we don't like, we did this.
They're always on their cell phone.
That's our fault.
We made the cell phone.
They don't know what life was
like without the internet.
That's our fault.
We made the internet.
They're soft.
They never got beaten by their parents.
We are their parents.
It was our job to whoop
their asses, and we failed,
and I know I'm guilty of it,
'cause before I had kids,
I talked all kinds of shit.
I was like, yo, you watch.
When I have kids, I'm gonna fuck them up.
What did I have first?
A daughter, nope, never
gonna hit my daughter.
13 years old, sweetest
little girl in the world.
I raised my voice at my daughter.
I raised my voice at my daughter once
and then I cried right after.
You know the worst part was?
She consoled me.
She was, it's okay, daddy.
You're a nice daddy,
but if you think about it,
every generation's ass
whoopings got less and less
and less to where it's at now.
I remember my dad used to tell me
how much better my ass whoopings
were than the ones he got
while he was whooping my ass.
You're lucky this is all you're getting!
You know your grandfather
threw a leopard at me.
What the, what?
Where'd he get a leopard from?
It was India.
They went everywhere.
I was like, dad, I've
been to India 20 times.
I never saw one leopard.
That's because of your grandfather.
Everything that's wrong with
this generation is our fault.
We did this to them, but they
took it to another level.
We kind of set it up, and they
just went extreme with it.
Like I'm from the generation
that makes fun of you.
When we meet you, my
generation makes fun of you.
We fuck with you, and that's
how we check your temperature.
Like if you can deal with my bullshit,
then we can be friends.
You know what I mean?
But this younger generation,
they do not get that at all,
'cause they're so used to being fake.
Like everything about them is fake.
You don't know how to be real anymore.
Maybe you do.
I don't know, Khaled.
You don't. I can tell you don't
because you raised your hand
and put it down when I asked you.
Like I don't have hands.
Why not?
I'm Khala Khaled,
but everything like your
generation really doesn't
understand the ball breaking.
That's what we call it, Khaled.
We call it ball breaking.
That's what guys do from my generation.
We break balls, and that's
how we know we're okay.
In America, it's even worse.
Like I'll give you an example.
I went to this store, right?
And I was buying a bunch of stuff,
and I get to the cash to pay for it,
and there's two young Gen Z
fuckfaces working there, right?
A guy and a girl maybe
20, 21 years old, right?
And the guy's ringing me up,
and the girl's putting it in the bag,
and some guy walks in to the store,
and the guy ringing me up looks
over and goes, "Oh my God,
"I haven't worked with him in a while."
And then the girl goes, "Oh my god, Enis."
And I go, "What?"
She goes, "That's his name, Enis."
And I go, ha!
"What's his sister's name, Agina?"
And I started laughing, right?
Because it's fucking funny.
That's why I started laughing,
but apparently I laughed
like a psychopath.
I was like.
Thinking that these kids are gonna go
that's pretty funny too, but she went,
"He's really nice, you know?"
I never said he wasn't nice.
I just said his name's Enis.
So you know, it's kinda
kind of funny, right?
And I'm looking at the guy
thinking the guy is going
to be like, oh yeah, come on.
It's funny, it's funny,
like thinking he's gonna go the guy code.
This little fucking nerd
looks at me and goes,
"You know, he was bullied
a lot because of his name."
And I go, "Yeah, he should have been.
"His name is fucking Enis!
"You can't just go naming your kid Enis
"and think everything's gonna be okay.
"There's no winning with this name.
"You're either penis or anus.
"There's nothing good."
These kids just turn over,
"Here's your stuff, sir.
"Thank you very, very much, bye."
I don't want to be the
person, the old guy,
that gets annoyed by young
people, but you just do it.
They're doing things to us, you know?
And at 53, you gotta understand
I'm closer to dementia
than I am to anything else, you know?
And the way this generation's behaving,
I'm gonna think I have dementia
well before I have dementia.
They're trying to get rid of words.
This dude comes out and goes,
"Hey, man, you can't say the R word.
I said, "I was in Japan.
"Neither can they."
I go, "What R word, by the way, Russell?"
He goes, "No, retard."
I go, "Who are you calling a retard?"
"No, you can't say retard anymore."
I go, "I just did.
"I got bad news for you, buddy.
"I say retard all the time.
"I say retard.
"I say retarded.
"I say fucking retardation.
"I say it all and I feel nothing."
"Well, you're gonna have to stop."
"I'm not gonna stop saying retard
"until you get the French
to stop saying it."
I was at the airport in Canada
and my flight was delayed,
and in English it said delayed,
and in French it said on retard,
and I laughed like a little school girl.
I couldn't wait to call my friend.
"Yo, you're gonna have
to pick me up later.
"My flight's retarded."
Shit, in the UAE, I bought ibuprofen
that said Brufen retard.
It's literally in every drugstore.
I bought it just to take home with me.
Anything to declare?
Just this retard pills.
So yeah, I'm not gonna stop saying retard.
"Well, you're gonna have to."
I said, "Why?
"Why do I have to stop saying retard?"
"Because it's offensive?"
I was like, "To who?
"You're the one calling
people this, not me."
"I'm calling everything but a
handicapped person a retard.
"You call a handicapped person a retard,
"you're a piece of shit."
"And you can't say gay anymore."
"What?
"I have gay friends.
"I can't be like, yo,
these are my gay friends."
"You can refer to gay people as gay,
"but you can't just go
arbitrarily calling things
"gay anymore."
I go, "This is fucking retarded, dude."
"This is the gayest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
"So wait, I can't say
gay or retard anymore?"
"No."
"How am I supposed to talk to my brother?
"Every conversation is like,
call me back, you retard.
"Don't be gay, click."
You gotta understand.
I grew up in the seventies and eighties.
Gay and retard is all we said.
Gay was the best insult
you could give a guy,
because it wasn't really offensive.
It was more of a ah, you got me.
You know, just you would
never call somebody gay
if they were actually
gay, but in the seventies,
we didn't realize gay was a real thing.
Like in the seventies, like,
nobody's really gay, are they?
I mean, we just didn't know.
It was like a, you know, we
didn't know it was genetic.
We just thought, ah, he is gay.
He is not gay.
I mean, who, who's really gay?
Like if you like buttholes,
women have them too.
You know what I mean?
Like just, we didn't know
it was more than that.
And you would call somebody gay
for doing the most
heterosexual thing possible.
Like you, Tim, you have four
kids with your wife, gay.
You know what I mean?
Because it's the least
gay thing you could do.
We were in denial in the seventies.
Khaled, if you wanna have a
good time, you go to YouTube,
and you type in the best of the 1970s,
and you'll see right in front of you
that the seventies was
the gayest decade ever,
and we had no clue it was gay,
'cause we were in denial about it.
I don't know if you guys
remember The Village People.
Remember Village People?
They were like the gayest
group on the planet,
and we had no clue they were gay.
Like they're not gay.
That guy's a construction worker.
That guy's a biker.
That guy's Native American.
They don't make gay Native Americans.
They're singing about being a macho man.
That's the least gay man you can be.
We didn't know what gay was.
I remember in 1984, I'm in the mall.
I'm 14 years old.
One of my friends runs up and goes,
"Yo, come to the supermarket.
"There's two lesbians."
And I ran because I'm
14 and I heard lesbians.
What do I know about lesbians at 14?
Nothing, all I know is blah, blah, blah.
That's all I know.
That's it.
That's all, blah.
That's it.
That's all I know, and
I'm like, "Oh my God,
"they must be doing it in every aisle."
So I run to the supermarket. I
don't know what I'm thinking.
Like they're just, hey,
let's go to the mall
and blah, blah, blah.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I get to the supermarket.
I'm so mad.
It was just two women
with a shopping cart full of cucumbers.
We didn't know anything in the eighties.
That's why our generation's so fucked up.
Like that's why our
generation created Gen Z.
We passed our fucked upness
to the next generations.
We skipped the millennials,
'cause that was a whole
nother generation's problem.
You know what it is?
Like my generation, everything grown up,
everything fell into this blanket of life.
Everything was called life.
There was no subsections.
Everything that happened to you was life.
You lost your job.
That's life.
My house burnt down, man.
That's life.
My wife left me.
That's life, bro.
Everything was life.
There was nothing to
define it other than life.
Then Gen Z came along and
wanted label everything.
Every fucking thing had a label.
Everything needed a label,
and they OD'ed on the label.
Like I haven't always had ADD.
I know I do, but in the eighties,
there was no diagnosis for the ADD.
I remember in 1985, I went
to the guidance counselor.
I was 15.
I go, "What do you think's wrong with me?"
He goes, "Hmm, you're a fucking idiot."
And I went, "Is that like a professional?"
He goes, "No, no, you're a fucking idiot."
And I remember going,
"Ah, sounds about fair, I think, yeah."
I remember going home.
My dad goes, "What did the
guidance counselor say?"
"He said I was a fucking idiot."
"He's right."
Like everything that
we're complaining about
with Gen Z is our fault too.
Like we complain that they're sensitive.
Like everything bothers them.
What's their problem?
Why are they so sensitive?
How come they get so
offended by everything?
Every interview I do is like, Russell,
you worried about cancel culture?
I'm like, no.
Why not?
Because fucking, these
kids aren't looking at me,
except for Khala Khaled over there,
but they get offended easy,
and that's my generation's fault too,
and I'll tell you why it's our fault.
Because my generation started
political correctness,
but here's what young
people don't understand.
We started political
correctness out of necessity.
We didn't do it 'cause we were bored.
We did it because our parents'
generation was insane.
You gotta understand.
My father, he was born in 1925.
Yeah, and my dad was, here's the thing.
My dad was born in
India while it was still
under British rule.
My dad said racist shit all day long.
He had no clue that it was racist.
I go, dad, you say a lot of racist.
How can it be racist?
I learned English from the British.
They are the least racist people.
We started political correctness
because our parents'
generation didn't know
when not to say something.
There was a Chinese family
three houses down from me.
My dad used to refer to
them as the oriental family.
I'm like, "Dad, they're not rugs."
From the age of four or
five years old to now, 53,
97% of my friends are black.
Which is great, but it
was a little awkward
in my teenage years, because my dad used
to use out-of-date terminology.
I remember being like 15, 16 years old.
My friends would knock on the door.
"Hi, Mr. Peters.
"Is Russell here?"
"One sec.
"Please, do me a favor.
"Go this side, just
stay away from the car.
"Son, there's a young negro
boy here looking for you."
I come down, my dad's pointing at him.
I go, "Dad, why are you pointing at him?"
"So you know where he is?"
There's only one person standing there.
"No, the oriental boy's in the back.
"Look, see?
"He's playing Chinese
checkers or something.
"I dunno what he's doing."
And I go to my dad and this
is what was frustrating
about my parents' generation.
They would defend everything they said,
and their defense would make sense.
I go, "Dad, why did you
call him a young negro boy?"
"What part of that
description is not correct?
"Is he an old white woman?
"No."
So we started political
correctness to stop that kind
of stuff from going forward.
We weren't trying to change the world.
We were just trying to make
little differences so that there
would be less speed bumps
for the next generations.
We meant well.
We were naive, and then these
Gen Z fuckfaces showed up,
and they took advantage
of us, and they were like,
hey, you know that politically
correct thing you guys
are doing?
I'm like, yeah?
We'd like to add some things to it.
Like, oh sure, we must
have missed something.
Well, yeah, what would you like to add?
You know how I was born a male?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm aware of that, yeah.
I don't feel comfortable
identifying as a male anymore.
Oh, okay, well, maybe you'd be
more comfortable identifying
as a female.
No.
Those were the only options.
I just feel like these
are social constructs
that are designed to keep
us apart from each other
when we are neither black nor white,
not male nor female.
We're simply just one people,
one race, the human race,
and I'm like, listen here, other fucker,
I got real life adult
problems going on in my world.
I don't need your young,
confused, bored bullshit
to get in my way.
Now I want you to be whatever
the fuck you want to be,
and I want you to be the best
version of it you can be,
and I'll support whatever it
is you tell me you think you
are, but you can't get
mad at me if I don't know
what you think you are when I look at you.
If I see what I think as a
dude, I'll be like, hey, man.
I'm not a man.
I identify as a table.
How am I supposed to know you're a table?
You only got two legs.
You're a shitty table.
I hear a lot of young people talk
about suffering from anxiety.
I suffer from anxiety.
Oh my God, I'm suffering.
I see you young girls.
You suffer from anxiety, don't you?
Do you get anxiety?
Khaled, do you get anxiety?
No, you sure, buddy?
You're giving your mom anxiety right now.
I'll be honest with you.
Young people, like God,
I suffer from anxiety.
Look at me suffer, fucking anxiety.
How do you get anxiety in your twenties?
You got tax problems.
You got baby mamas.
You don't have any fucking anxiety.
Young people have no clue what anxiety is.
I know what anxiety is,
'cause I dealt with it
without even knowing why
I was dealing with it.
My generation knows anxiety.
Lemme tell you what real anxiety is.
Anxiety, this is what we had to deal with.
Anxiety was trying to masturbate
to porn in the eighties.
That's anxiety, 'cause it's not like now
where it's just everywhere.
Anybody in this room, don't do
it, but anybody in this room,
for no reason, can pull out their phone
and look porn just like that.
Just oh, porn, and then put it away,
and I know what you're
thinking. Oh, not over here.
Yeah, everybody has a VPN, you fuckers.
I know what you do.
I'm surprised Express VPN
hasn't opened up an office here,
but porn is just there.
It's readily available.
It's just there.
Like back in the eighties,
it was not that easy.
It was a different time.
If you wanted to see porn in the eighties,
you actually had to be a real pervert,
because you had to make
a plan, a mental plan.
Not now. You'd be like, I don't know,
I think I might get a boner.
Back then, you would plan it.
All right, tonight, I'm
gonna watch some porn.
I know what you're thinking.
Why couldn't you just watch it anytime?
Because in the eighties,
you only had one TV
and one VCR in the house,
and it was in the living room downstairs.
You couldn't just show up
at 5:30 in the evening.
Hey mom, dad, you're gonna watch the news,
or can I find out what
Debbie's gonna do to Dallas?
You had to make the plan,
and here's what happened.
You would go to bed, and you
would lay awake in your own bed
till like two in the
morning, wide awake, just.
You'd wait for everybody to go to sleep.
That's how demented we were.
You'd wait, then you'd
hear everybody snoring.
You're like, now,
and you'd reach beside the bed
where you had the video tape.
Because you stashed it and
you sneak outta your room.
You're sneaking around your own house
like a perverted burglar with an erection.
It's no good.
Then you have these
missions in front of you.
It's not as simple as
just going downstairs,
putting on a tape, and
bam, you're good to go.
Oh no, no, no.
That would be too easy.
First you gotta sneak downstairs.
First you gotta wait.
Then you gotta grab the tape.
Now you gotta sneak downstairs,
but you can't walk down
the center of the stairs
in case the stairs go.
So you've gotta walk down
the side of the stairs,
and now, okay, now you get downstairs.
Mission one complete.
You got mission two in front
of you. This is a big one.
You're staring at a TV that's
not even turned on yet.
You're staring at it like Indiana Jones.
You're like sweating.
You're like, okay,
'cause what you gotta do is
you gotta turn the TV on.
This is the eighties.
You have to pull the knob on the TV,
but at the same time
that you pull the knob,
you have to turn the volume off.
So you're, woo.
Did you know my generation
didn't even know
that porno had audio?
We had no clue, because you
couldn't keep the volume on.
You're the only thing awake
at this time of night.
You gotta understand. My dad
didn't just grow up in India.
My dad grew up in the jungle in India.
My dad had jungle ears.
He could hear shit we couldn't hear.
Even if I put the volume on,
could you imagine my dad sleeping?
And he just hears, oh, oh!
What's that?
Who's that?
Looks at my mom.
That's not you?
That's not me.
It's downstairs.
There's a leopard.
So now you got the TV on, volume off.
I know what you're thinking,
Khaled, porno time.
No, not even close.
Now you got the third mission.
You gotta get the videotape into the VCR.
Now here's what you need
to understand, Khaled.
Loading a VCR, putting
a videotape in a VCR
in a quiet house, is easily one
of the loudest things you can do.
You might as well just turn a blender on,
just.
So what you gotta do is you
put the video tape to the mouth
of the VCR, then you grab
a pillow off the couch,
and you push the tape in with the pillow,
'cause you need to smother the sound.
You're like, shut the fuck up,
and I know what you're
thinking. Let the porn begin.
No, Khaled, no.
The movie doesn't just start like that.
There's a test pattern
that comes on the screen
and then the ever
boner-killing FBI warning.
Now you're paranoid.
Who's watching me?
And you don't even know about tracking.
To you, tracking is you say, Nike,
and all the ads in your
Instagram come up as Nike.
Back in the day, tracking
was the tape would start,
and there'd be these
lines across the screen
and just the would be shaking like this.
You're not even sure if it's a tit.
Like is that a nipple or a hubcap?
I can't tell. Is it a car or a boob?
I don't know.
Fuck it, I'll take it.
You don't know.
You just don't know.
So now you got this shaking
boob on your screen like this,
and unless you're into Parkinson's porn,
this is not gonna work for you.
So now you gotta walk over to the VCR,
and there's a button called
tracking that you have
to hit plus or minus or
wheel, whatever you had,
until you got a steady tit, bam.
Now you're good to go.
You live in a very different time.
Like you can go to PornHub
a hundred thousand different
times, and in a hundred
thousand different times
of going to PornHub, you may
never repeat the same scene.
That's how much porn there is now.
Back in the day, we looked at
the same tape for four years.
We had to act like it was new every time.
You'd put it on, you'd be
like, hello, Ginger Lynn.
I haven't seen you in a while.
We had to improvise.
PornHub ruined everything for me.
Lemme tell you what PornHub is.
Here's what the problem with PornHub is.
PornHub took away all
the mystery from porn.
I know some of you're
a little uncomfortable
right now just hearing porn,
but it's not gonna make a graphic.
Don't worry.
I know in your head you're
going, this is Haram.
I don't want to hear it.
It's just the words.
It's nothing graphic here.
I want the women to stay with
us on this one, all right?
But porn, here's what Pornhub is like,
back in the seventies and
eighties, porn movies had titles,
and the titles were very subtle.
You wouldn't even know it was a porn.
Here's a real porno
title from the seventies,
Behind the Green Door.
You go, well, what's
behind the green door?
I don't know.
We better find out.
Porno movies had titles.
They were shot on film.
You know where you had to go
to see a porno movie, Khaled,
back in the seventies?
A movie theater.
I wish there were some Babas
in here who could tell us
that they went.
I know if I was old
enough in the seventies,
hell yeah, I would've gone
to a porno movie theater.
Would I have gotten popcorn?
Probably not.
That's a commitment right there.
This is salty.
I don't know what's
wrong with this popcorn.
This butter is sticky.
The porno movies used to
have titles, original titles,
seventies and eighties, original titles.
Nineties, you know what
they did in the nineties?
They got lazy in the nineties with porn.
They started taking real movie titles
and turning them into porno titles.
So it'd be like Men in
Black Women, Forest Hump,
Poca Hotass, Schindler's Fist,
Shaving Ryan's privates,
you know, all the classics,
all the classics, I know,
and then along came PornHub
and just ruined everything.
PornHub took the mystery out of porn.
That's why I don't like PornHub,
'cause it's like there's
no titles anymore.
There's just, there's no movies.
There's just scenes,
and there's no titles.
There's just explicit descriptions
of what you're about to see.
PornHub titles remind me
of white people's food.
Let me explain.
Let's take Indian food,
for example, right?
So to make Indian food,
you need a whole lot
of different ingredients,
and because we use so many
different ingredients,
we have to name the dishes.
Like what is that?
It's biryani.
What is that?
It's rogan josh.
What is that?
It's chicken masala.
We give it names because
of all the ingredients.
White people, I'm not here to judge you,
but you're very limited with
your ingredients to the point
where you literally name your
food after the ingredients.
What is that?
It's lemon pepper chicken.
What's in it?
Lemon, pepper,
and you guessed it, chicken.
Ooh, what's that?
Macaroni and cheese.
What's in it?
Macaroni and cheese.
Ooh, what's that?
Fish and chips.
What's in it?
Well, what the fuck do you think is in it?
That's what PornHub titles are like.
There's no mystery anymore.
You go to PornHub, it's just like,
hot Asian girl getting destroyed
by BBC, and you're like,
Goddamn, and my mom walks in, oh, the BBC.
I love the BBC.
I go, no, no, no!
This is not the BBC you're thinking of!
Keep it on.
I wanna see the weather.
That's not precipitation!
They don't know the struggle.
Khaled, you don't know
what the struggle was like
in the eighties.
In the eighties, we had to improvise.
We would try anything.
These catalogs would
from department stores.
They'd get mailed to your house.
Especially in North America,
there was a store called Sears.
They would mail you a Sears
catalog, and the catalog,
this is all before the internet, Khaled.
The catalog would have all
the inventory from the store
in this one book, and they'd
send it out every season,
and you'd open the book, and
you'd find what you wanted.
You'd make a little
mark and you'd be like,
I'm gonna go to the store,
and I'm gonna get this, right?
But if you were a perverted
teenager like I was
in the eighties, you would go
to the women's underwear
department in the book.
Because it was the eighties,
there was no Photoshop.
So you'd go to the women's bra department
and you'd look, if it was a lace bra,
you might see a nipple in the
back, and then bah, right?
So or if you were a real perv like me,
you'd go to the panties and you'd look
and there'd be like little hairs
creeping out the side like,
but it was the eighties.
So you gotta understand.
Like the women were natural
back then, like big.
It was like your hair, ma'am.
You got a shot of that, right?
There we go, yeah.
That right there, yeah, yeah.
It's like trying to put
a mask on your head.
You know what I mean?
Listen, but that's what it
was like in the eighties.
Women had a big old bush.
Then the nineties, they streamlined it.
They made a little landing strip.
Two thousands, they went bald.
2023, dick.
Thank you very much.
You guys are great.
Thank you!