Russell Peters: Deported (2020) Movie Script
1
[TYPING]
[CHEERING]
NARRATOR: Ladies and
gentlemen, it's start time
at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium.
And right about now, we're going
to bring you the brother that
gave you, "somebody going to get
a hurt real bad," "be a man,"
"take it and go."
One of "Rolling
Stones" 50 greatest
stand up comics of all time.
Let's bring him on right now,
the brownest working man in
show business, Russell Peters.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
Hello Bombay buggers.
What's happening?
I know it's going
to sound strange,
but it's good to be home.
I mean, although I was
never born and raised here,
but I still feel at home.
I feel like I don't
have to do things
that I have to do back home
to keep up with white people.
I can just be a
comfortable brown man here.
Fuck it, I don't even have to
put on deodorant over here if I
don't want to, because
it's not stopping you,
you know what I mean?
[LAUGHTER]
Give it up for Starting From
Scratch, ladies and gentlemen.
[APPLAUSE]
So we're back in the motherland.
How you doing, buddy?
You OK?
He must be good.
He give me, like, the sharp one.
That's how you know you're
really fucking good.
It wasn't even
multiple, just one.
What's your name?
Preag.
RUSSELL PETERS: What?
Preag.
That sounds like before ugly.
I am pre-ug right now,
10 more years, full-ug.
[LAUGHTER]
How you doing, buddy?
Good?
You chose to look
like a sperm tonight.
I see that was your...
That was a choice you made.
[LAUGHTER]
How did you get here?
[LAUGHTER]
That's why traffic
doesn't bother him.
I was around a million others.
That's an awful outfit.
Pre-ug, actually ug.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, let me tell you
what's been happening
with me since the last
time I saw you guys.
I don't know if you know
this, it's been a few years
since I've been here.
But since the last time
I was here, I got fat.
And... fuck you.
I... here's what happened, I was
like my regular kind of fat.
You know what I mean?
Like, that kind of fat
when you look at me
and you go, you
know, Russell, if you
would just run, like, once.
That's the problem with
being Indian, we get fat.
We're born skinny,
that's the real problem.
We're born skinny.
We're naturally a
skinny race of people.
And we're born skinny
and we stay skinny.
We don't have to work
hard to be skinny.
We could be skinny and
eat whatever we want
and stay skinny.
And then we never go to the
gym because we're skinny,
we don't need to.
And our parents don't
encourage you to go to the gym.
You're like, dad, I'm
going to go to the gym.
What's in the gym?
Do they have studies in the gym?
No, you're not going to the gym.
You stay home and
do your studies.
And because you
never tone up, you
stay this, like, really smushy
kind of skinny, you know.
And you eat whatever you
want your entire life.
And then at 30, you're
Indian genes kick
in and go, OK, party's over.
And then you just get fat,
and it's, like, a fucking
awful fat that we get.
And that's what happened to me.
I mean, I'm much
older than that now.
But I got like a
weird kind of fat.
I was like my normal fat and
then I woke up one morning,
I was like, [POOF].
I was like, I'm bloated.
I figured I would pee it
out, I would sweat it out,
I'd be fine the next day.
Anyway, cut to a year and a
half later and I'm still [POOF]..
And I go, something's wrong.
So I go to the doctor.
I go, doc, I got fat.
He goes, yes.
I said, thanks, asshole.
I didn't come here
for confirmation.
I came here to find
out why I got fat.
He goes, well, why do
you think you're fat?
I said, because I have a mirror.
And I walked past it
naked the other day
and I thought somebody
else was in my room.
I was like, on my God, who
fat, hairy ass is that?
Turns out it was my stomach.
It was...
And people on the internet
were calling me fat.
You guys are dicks, by the way.
You say whatever you want
to us on the internet.
And if we respond,
we're assholes.
So we just have
to take the abuse.
But sometimes I get
mad when people say
things to me on the internet.
Not because of what they said,
more so because it's probably
something I would have said.
And then I'm mad
that my own words
are getting used against me.
Like, I posted something
for this TV show I was on.
And somebody goes, holy shit,
did you eat your whole cast?
And I was like, damn it,
I would have said that to.
I probably would
have said that too.
And then somebody posted
a picture with me,
and somebody commented
and went, Russell Peters,
looking thicker than a snicker.
I got mad at that because
I love a good rhyme.
Thicker than a snicker,
that's a good one too.
It's not a fair way
to describe a human.
I think thicker than a
snicker is a great way
for me to describe my penis.
I think it's a wonderful
way to describe it.
So Russell, tell me
about your penis.
Well, it's thicker than
a snicker, equally dark
and vain texture, packed
with nuts, and it satisfies.
[LAUGHTER]
So I said to my
doc, I said, doc,
it doesn't make sense
that I should be
getting as fat as I'm getting.
He said, why not?
I said, because I
don't eat crazy,
and I train jujitsu
every other day.
He's like, huh, how
old are you now?
I said, 48.
He goes, and you're Indian?
I go, yeah, but...
He goes, and you haven't
had a heart attack yet?
He goes... I said, no, I
haven't had a heart attack yet.
He goes, all right.
So he takes blood and I leave.
Calls me back in
three days later.
I go back in, he's like,
hey, I got your blood back.
I know what's wrong.
I go, what's wrong?
He goes, it's your thyroid.
I go, what about it?
He goes, you have an
underactive thyroid.
I go, so what does that mean?
It means it's not doing enough.
I said, I understand what
the fuck underactive means.
He goes, then why did you ask?
I said, how is it affecting me?
He goes, the thyroid
is making you fat.
I go, the thyroid
is making me fat.
He goes, no, you're
doing things too,
but the thyroid
is really helping.
I go, so what do we got to do?
He said, we've got to
speed your thyroid up.
I said, let's get that
bitch moving, right.
So it's been a
year and a half now
and I lost 24 pounds from it.
But it wasn't me, it
was the medication.
It's not me.
And I've lost... like my
body's in much better shape
than it's ever been, but my
fucking head is fat as shit.
And I don't know...
I don't know how to...
I look like a fucking thumb.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know how hard it
is to lose a fat head?
It's almost impossible.
I used to box.
There's tricks when
you want to lose weight
from your body in boxing, you
could put on a garbage bag
and you go sit in the
sauna and you sweat it off.
Let me give you some
friendly advice,
you can't do that
with your head.
I know, I found
out the hard way.
I was like, you know
what, I got this.
I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw
it over my big stupid head.
I'm not an idiot, I cut
a hole from my nose.
It was a substantial hole.
And I went sat in the sauna.
But I forgot when you have a
larger nose and you inhale,
you tend to suck up more
than the average human.
And I took a deep
breath in the sauna
and sucked up the plastic bag.
And my friends thought I
was trying to commit suicide
in the dumbest way possible.
But when I got fat, I
got like a weird kind.
Indian people, we get
the worst kind of fat.
Like, it just goes everywhere.
Like, white people,
do you ever see
white Americans when they get
fat, it's just bam, a belly.
And you can't tell from behind.
Hey, look at the white guy.
He turns around
and, like, hello.
But Indians, it just shows
up in the weirdest places.
Like, I started to grow tits,
but not in front, on the side.
I don't know what the fuck
they were going, but...
[LAUGHTER]
I was growing side tits and
they were like arm rests.
I was walking around
after a while, I was...
It was like I was going to go
into a pool with some floaties
on the whole time.
And then I was
getting a fat back.
That was a weird thing to get.
It was like fat on my back.
I would sit down and my fat back
would hang over the chair and.
I'm like, what the fu...
I would grab it and
go, this feels nice.
But not on me, I
don't like this.
And then I had a chunk of fat,
like a big... like, right here...
A big, huge clump of fat.
Like, when a woman gets fat
here, it's called a gunt.
Because it's a gut
right above her...
You know I mean.
So it's a gunt.
And I guess when I
had it, it's a gock.
I guess it would
be a gock, I guess.
I don't know.
Literally for a year and a
half, I didn't see my penis.
I would have to
lift it up to visit.
You still there, buddy?
OK, good.
And I'd rest it.
Don't worry, the sun
will shine one day.
So my doctor says, hey,
what else is wrong with you?
I go, what do you mean
what else is wrong with me?
He goes, look, you're a
48-year-old Indian man.
I'm like, that's really fucking
racist, but since you asked,
I have acid reflux.
I don't know.
Does anybody else... who else
has acid reflux in here?
First of all, you're
lying to me right now.
Because there is no way
you can be Indian and not
have fucking acid reflux.
It's inevitable.
There's no way you can
consume the food that we eat
with that much spice, and that
much oil, and that much butter,
and not just have it
burn a hole in your...
As my dad would
say... your esophagus.
What?
Son, it's burning
your esophagus.
Dad, I want to assure you
I have no phagus in me.
No, no, son, esophagus.
I don't care whose
phagus you think this is.
There's no way you
don't have acid reflux.
I'm looking at all of you,
especially all the pudgy guys.
You know exactly who has it.
You got it, don't
you, yellow guy?
You do, do you.
He's like, I know,
I have it, but I
don't want to say because my
shirt looks like turmeric, so...
I've had acid reflux
my entire life...
My entire life.
And I remember being
six years old...
And here's the worst thing
about having acid reflux,
it's triggered by food.
And when you grow up
in an Indian house
and your food is Indian
food, and this food triggers
your fucking acid
reflux, and you
can't eat Indian food anymore,
you're a piece of shit.
Like, I remember
going to my mom, mom,
I can't eat Indian food anymore.
Mom goes, what?
Do you realize people in
India are dying to eat
this food, literally dying.
I said, mom, do you
understand that I'm
dying if I eat this food?
Literally dying.
I was six years old, I
remember this clearly,
I was six years
old and I remember
burping and fire
shot up my chest
and flames came out my nose.
And I remember
clearly because there
was tears coming down my eyes.
And I remember going, I'm
crying and I'm not crying,
I'm very confused.
And I go to my mom, I go, mom,
mom, it's burns when I burp.
My mom goes, what?
I said, it burns when I burp.
Oh my God, it burns
when he burps.
Oh my God, son, OK,
do this, don't burp.
[LAUGHTER]
That was your big
piece of advice, mom?
I'm like, I'm serious,
mom, it's burning.
She goes, OK, OK, yeah,
yeah, here, drink some milk,
drink some milk.
I drank the milk, nothing.
Mom, it's still
burning, never mind.
Dad, dad, it's still burning.
My dad goes, OK, OK, see
the yogurt on the table?
Eat the yogurt.
What?
Eat the yogurt.
What do you mean eat the yogurt?
Son, it's a fact.
What's a fact?
If you eat the yogurt,
it will cool you down.
You'll feel better.
How is that...
It's a fact, son.
How is that a fact?
Son, do you even
know what yogurt is?
Yogurt is a probiotic.
When you get sick, what
does the doctor give you?
Antibiotic.
[LAUGHTER]
Dad, I'm six years old.
I don't know what a
fucking biotic is.
Son, one is for biotics
and one is against biotics.
I said, I still don't
know what a biotic is.
Son, just eat the
bastard yogurt.
I go, why?
Because why do you think
Indian people keep yogurt
on the table when we eat food?
To help your digestion.
I said, OK, now
that makes sense.
So I grabbed a
bowl of the yogurt.
I start eating it, Well,
fuck me in the eye,
there's chilies and
onions in the yogurt.
Why?
Why did we spice the yogurt?
That's what triggers
the burning.
And Indian parents will become
racist at the drop of a dime.
I go, dad, why did
we spice the yogurt?
He goes, how else are
you going to eat yogurt?
Plain?
We're not white people.
I said, dad, that's
really racist.
Is it racist or is it a fact?
How is that a fact?
Son, what color is plain yogurt?
[LAUGHTER]
What does plain
yogurt taste like?
Nothing.
What is the contribution
from white people
to the food of the world?
Nothing.
It's a fact.
So my doctor says to me,
hey, I just called downstairs
to the clinic in
the lobby and I got
you an endoscopy appointment.
I go, what?
He goes, when was the last
time you had an endoscopy?
I said, never.
Let me tell you
something, doc, I've never
shoved anything in my ass.
He said, what the fuck
are you talking about?
I said, doc, I'm not
an idiot, all right?
I know what an endoscopy is.
It's in your end -os.
Copy.
He said, no, you fucking
idiot, it's in your mouth.
I said, hey, yo.
It may be in your mouth, doc,
but it ain't in my mouth, bro.
I mean, what you do outside of
here is none of my business,
man.
That's why I like my
doctor because he swears
at me when he talks to me.
I trust him for
that reason alone.
I don't trust people
that don't swear.
People that don't swear,
you're hiding something.
There's something
wrong with you.
You probably touch kids.
I'm telling you,
there's something
wrong with people that don't
swear, there's something wrong.
They're hiding something.
And people that don't swear act
like they're better than you.
Because they go out
of their way to let
you know they don't swear.
I don't know, I just
find better ways
of communicating than using
foul and obscene language.
It's like, [GIBBERISH].
You keep an eye on those people.
They're hiding some...
There's something really
dark going on in their head.
They've got some
dark, dark secrets
and they don't want
you to know about it.
You see them, the people
that are too nice,
they'll be too friendly,
too polite, you know.
They got dark stuff
going on in their head.
They'll be like, well, the
wife and I had a lovely dinner
with you all tonight.
We hope you all have a
wonderful night of digestion.
We're going to reconvene to
the bedroom and at which point
in the morning, we'll
collect again and enjoy
a delicious breakfast together.
And at which point we shall
discuss the night's events.
With that, I wish you all good
night and pleasant dreams.
And they go to the bedroom
and he closes the door.
And he's like, all right,
honey, shit on my chest.
Because they got dark, dark
things going on in there.
Here's the good news, I swear
I'll never shit on your chest.
I like how uncomfortable
that made all of you.
I'm just trying to do the math
on the shitting on the chest,
it's...
What is the purpose of this?
My doctor says, listen, I
called downstairs to the clinic
in the lobby and I got you
an endoscopy appointment.
I go, when?
He goes, right now.
I go, so what do I gotta do?
He said, you got to go
downstairs to the lobby
and go to the clinic.
And I go, and when is
this going to happen?
He said, right now.
I said, OK, so where is
this going to happen?
He says, at the
clinic in the lobby.
I go, no, no, on me.
He goes, oh, in your mouth.
I go, so what's going
to happen in my mouth?
He says, they're going
to give you an endoscopy.
I go, and it just takes
place in my mouth?
He goes, yeah.
I go, they're not going to
touch my asshole, are they?
He said, do you want them
to touch your asshole?
No, they're not going
to touch your asshole.
I said, OK, doc, I just want to
confirm that this procedure is
strictly in my mouth.
He goes, that is correct.
I said, OK, I'm going to go.
But I swear to God, doc, if
they try and touch my asshole,
I'm coming back up here
and I'm fucking you up.
He goes, go, you idiot.
So I go.
Now here's the problem,
my doctor knows me.
He knows what kind
of person I am.
He knows I've been a
comedian for 30 years.
He knows how my brain works.
He knows how I have no filter.
See, comedians look at the
audience, we look at you guys
and go, those are civilians.
You guys are civilians.
You know how to do this,
sit around each other
and be normal.
Just sit around and go...
I don't... I don't have
that fucking filter.
I have to... as soon you
see... as soon as I walk out...
[GIBBERISH]
But these people in the clinic
don't know me like that,
so I can't go in and be me.
So I have to do my
impression of how I think you
would handle this situation.
So I walk up to the
clinic and I'm like, hi.
I'm here for my
endoscopy appointment.
It's in the mouth.
She goes, yes, sir.
We know where it is.
Please come around.
OK.
So I walk around and she
hands me a hospital gown.
And says, OK, sir,
just go down the hall,
take off your clothes, put
this on, and we'll get started.
I said, uh... um, I think
there's a misunderstanding here.
My doctor upstairs, he
told me that this procedure
just takes place in my mouth.
She goes, that's correct.
I go, oh, well, then
hang on to the gown.
Let's just go get started.
She goes, no, no, sir.
You have to... you
can't have your clothes
on when we do this procedure.
I said, that doesn't
make any sense.
Because if it's just my
mouth you need access to...
[AH]
I'm not fighting you on this.
I'm not even blocking my mouth.
I'm here to help.
Pick a chin, which
one do you like?
I'll hold it down for you.
She's like, sir,
it's policy that
you cannot have
your street clothes
on when we do this procedure.
I said, you know, it's
funny you should say that,
because I, too, have a policy.
And my policy is that
I like as many layers
as possible protecting
my asshole at all times.
She said, sir, would you just
go put the fucking gown on.
I said, whoa, you swore.
All right.
So I go down to the change room.
And I'm standing there and
I'm buck ass naked, right?
And I start getting really
paranoid about my ass.
And then I get a brilliant idea.
I take the hospital gown
and I put it on backwards.
Smart, right?
Right?
To protect it.
But then I look down, my dick
is just swinging, just like...
[LAUGHTER]
Look, it's my story,
I'll make my penis as big
as I want it to be, all right?
It's India.
You're all, like, come on, bro.
That's not even believable, OK?
Not even on a humid day.
It's true, it was cold in
there too, you know, I just...
You know what I mean?
It was embarrassingly small.
It just looked like three
coins and a mushroom cap.
It was just terrible.
It was the worst.
Oh man.
You know what I mean, you
know what I mean, right?
You know what I mean?
Have you ever had it shrivel up
so much that you bend forward
and it inverts.
You're like, hey,
where did my dick go?
You're like dick, no
dick, dick, no dick.
My black security guys
never get that joke.
I don't get it.
If I bend forward, the
motherfucker hits the floor.
[LAUGHTER]
So I'm like, well,
this is embarrassing,
so I put the gown
on the right way.
And I walk back in the room.
And she goes, all right,
Mr. Peters, just hop up here
and we'll get started.
So I hop up on the
table, but I put
my ass right against the wall.
Because like I said,
I train jujitsu.
If you want to come at
me when I'm on my back,
it's your funeral, not mine.
And she goes, all right,
sir, just so you know,
during this procedure
we're going to be putting
you under using propofol.
I said, wait, wait
a minute, propofol?
Isn't that the shit that
killed Michael Jackson?
She goes, yes, yes it is.
I go, what do you
mean, yes, yes it is?
Why are you so happy about this?
It killed the biggest
pop star of my lifetime
and you think it's
just OK for me to take?
She said, sir, Michael
Jackson was having
an improperly administered.
I said, Michael Jackson
was having many things
improperly administered.
But wasn't his doctor's
name Dr. Conrad Murray?
Yes.
Wasn't he a doctor?
Yes.
Well, what's your title?
I'm an anesthesiologist.
I said, look, I don't care what
your zodiac sign is, all right?
I don't even know
what month that is.
She said, sir, my job is to
make sure you go to sleep
and wake up.
I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH].
I said that is a fine answer
and I will accept that.
She goes, great.
Please lay on your side.
I said no, no, no.
Why?
Why do I got to lay on my side?
I lay on my side,
you knock me out,
you lift up the dress,
you flip up a butt cheek,
you start stuffing
me like a turkey.
I'm not falling for
this trick, lady.
She said, sir, you need
to lay on your side
because when we give
you the propofol
you're going to pass out and
you're going to fall over.
And when you fall over,
you could hurt yourself.
So to avoid any injury, you need
to already start on your side.
I said, that is a fair answer.
She goes, great.
So I lay on my side,
but I tuck my ass
in real tight on the wall.
And she goes, why don't you
count down from five with us?
And I go, all right.
Five, four, thwump.
Out cold.
I don't know if any of you've
been put under at the doctor,
but...
Sir, have you been put
under at the doctor?
You're an older gentleman.
I mean, not older, but you know,
you're not these fucking kids,
you know what I mean?
What's your name?
Sandeep.
And how old are you Sandeep?
48, we're the same age.
Same shit.
And have you been put
under at the doctor?
I got an endoscopy.
RUSSELL PETERS: You
had an endoscopy?
"Endo-scope-y."
He had the "endo-scope-y."
And I had the
endoscopy, so I think...
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know if they gave you
propofol when they put you out?
No.
RUSSELL PETERS: No, they
gave you the cheap shit?
Did they knock you
out when they did it?
AUDIENCE: No.
No?
All right, Sandeep, open wide.
[YELLING]
Really?
You were awake?
Yeah.
Why didn't you spend the extra
$10 and get the fucking med?
[LAUGHTER]
Is it even possible to do
it when somebody is awake?
Oh my God.
It's ironic because all the
doctors in America are Indian.
[LAUGHTER]
And then in India,
they're like, fuck it,
we don't need all
these fancy tricks.
Open wind, Sandeep.
Were you 1970 or '71?
'71.
RUSSELL PETERS: '71.
So you're a year
younger than me.
But you know what's...
You know what I'm not
looking forward to,
next year I'll be 50.
And uh-uh, because you
know what happens at 50.
They've got to go with the old...
[WHISTLING]
You know?
[SQUEAKING]
You know what I'm talking about?
[BAA-ING]
[MOO-ING]
I'm running out of noises,
Sandeep, all right?
Sir, how old are you?
Huh?
AUDIENCE: 60.
RUSSELL PETERS: 60.
Did you have the
old [WHISTLING]??
Not yet.
You haven't done it yet?
What the fuck are
you waiting for?
You're 60.
You gotta get your shit checked.
Here's the thing,
when I turned 40,
it's when you were supposed
to do it back then.
And then for some
reason as I turned 40,
there were like,
no, no, it's 50 now.
And I go, yes.
And I was like, I got 10
years before they're going
to shove a hand up my ass.
And I figured in that 10
years, they would come up
with some sort of technology.
Because in those 10 years they
got a fucking Rover to Mars.
India's got one circling Mars.
The Chinese have got
shit on the moon.
And no, 10 years
later, still [AH]..
I'm still puzzled that you were
awake when this shit happened.
I can't imagine
how uncomfortable
that would have been.
Yeah, they knock you out
and they give you propofol.
Let me just too you something
about this propofol shit.
It's incredible.
I get it, Michael, I get it.
It's an amazing drug, and I'm
not a drug guy by any means.
It's not even my thing at all.
I drink a little,
but that's about it.
You know, but people come up
to after the shows all the time
and say, hey, Russell, you...
[SNIFFING]
What?
You do blow?
What?
Coke?
You do cocaine?
Do I fucking look
like I do cocaine?
If I'm doing cocaine and
my face is still this fat,
I'm doing cocaine wrong.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, give me another line, yeah.
Aw, oh!
No, I don't do cocaine.
Have you seen the
size of my nose?
You can't afford to do
cocaine with a nose this big.
You go broke after one try.
Wouldn't be able to do
lines, I'd have to do lanes.
It's not a reasonable
drug of choice.
[LAUGHTER]
Then why are you
always sniffing?
I'll tell you exactly.
I'm aware that I sniff a lot.
And I'll tell you
exactly why I sniff.
I used to box.
And when I was boxing,
I broke my nose.
But I didn't know I broke my
nose, so it never got fixed.
And of course I
would've broken my nose.
It's been literally 30 years
since I've broken my nose,
but I didn't know.
Because I thought a broken
nose looked like a broken nose.
I thought it was like
the guys in my gym
where there was
nothing then a nub.
And they're like,
what's up, champ?
I didn't know.
I just thought I
was a bleeder when I
would get punched in the face.
Last year is when I found out.
I went to the doctor
last year, because I
was having trouble breathing.
I go, hey, doc, I'm
having trouble breathing.
He goes, what's the problem?
I go, like, one nostril works
and then the other one doesn't.
And then when the other
one stops working,
the other one starts working.
It's like there's
a flap in there.
Like a train, you know, local,
express, local, express.
He goes, have you
ever broke your nose?
I said, no.
He said, you sure?
I said, doc, I'm not an idiot.
Pretty sure I'd know
if I broke my nose.
He said, didn't you
tell me you used to box?
I said, yeah.
He goes, so wait, you used to
box and you never broke that?
I said, doc, I
never broke my nose.
He goes, wait, hold
on a second, you're
trying to tell me you
were so good at boxing
that you managed to avoid
breaking the biggest
fucking thing on your body?
I say, I'm telling you,
I never broke my nose.
He goes, if you never broke
that fucking nose in boxing,
you should have a 10
world titles by now.
I said, I never broke it.
He goes, lean forward,
you fucking idiot.
So I lean forward.
He goes like this, yeah,
your nose is broken.
I go, how do you know that?
He goes, because I'm a doctor.
Yeah, but how can you tell?
He goes, because
it's not connected.
I go, if it's not connected,
why didn't it fall off?
He goes, you're a fucking idiot.
He goes, look, nobody's nose
should move around like this.
I shouldn't be able
to move it around,
and double click, and order
shit off Amazon from your face.
This is not a normal nose.
I go, that's a broken nose?
He goes, yeah, what
did you think it was?
OK, don't judge me, all right?
This is actually what
I thought this was.
And understand I've been
a comedian for 30 years
and I have a creative mind.
Here's really what
I thought this was.
You know how humans...
This is how you know
it's going to be dumb...
You know how humans are
an ever evolving species?
Like, if you looked at
humans from 10,000 years ago,
you go, what the
fuck were those?
Well in 10,000 years, those
humans are going to look at us
and go, what the
fuck were those?
Well, so because of
evolution and my own ego,
I thought that I was evolving
at a faster rate than you.
[LAUGHTER]
And that my body, to
accommodate the larger nose,
had developed some sort of
joint hinge system in here
to alleviate the weight.
I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
He goes, you're
fucking retarded.
I said, doc, you actually
cannot say that anymore.
What?
That you're fucking retarded?
Yeah, you can't say
retarded anymore, doctor.
No, I can say it.
No, you can't, because
it's offensive to people.
I'm not talking about anybody
else, I'm talking about you.
You're a fucking retard.
And I go, no, doc, you
can't say retard or retarded
at all anymore.
He goes, I'm not talking about
anybody, I'm talking about you.
And as a matter of fact, I'm
putting it in your notes.
I said, you're putting in
my notes that I'm a retard?
He goes, no, I'm putting
that you're a fucking retard.
He goes, lean forward.
I lean forward.
He goes, let me
show you something.
I lean forward.
He goes like this.
OK, now breathe.
And I go [TAKES BREATH].
Oh, that's amazing.
What did you do?
He goes, I attached your nose.
[LAUGHTER]
This is awesome.
He goes, I can fix it and
you can breathe like that
for the rest of your life.
I was like, yes,
please, let's do that.
He goes, you've got
to make an appointment
and then you need three
weeks where you can't fly.
Well, I don't have three
weeks where I can't fly
so I haven't had it fixed yet.
But now I'm scared to
get it fixed in case
I end up looking like a pig.
And then all my Muslim friends
don't come and see me anymore,
because they're like,
he looks like a pig, we
cannot go see him any longer.
[LAUGHTER]
I do this out of
respect for my friends.
Let's get back to this propofol.
Sandeep, you got to
get this propofol.
You've just got to go back
and tell them, listen,
I think you need to
check again and give
me some goddamn propofol.
Because if they give
me the bullshit stuff
you wake up feeling
kind of groggy.
Propofol, not at all.
I literally woke up like
this, whew, let's do this.
She goes, we're done, sir.
I go, you're done?
[LAUGHTER]
How long was I out for?
Two or three hours?
She goes, 15 minutes, sir.
I said, in 15 minutes I could
have saved a bunch of money
by switching to Geico.
She said, you can
go get dressed.
So I go get dressed and
I come back in the room.
And she goes, all right, Mr.
Peters, we're all done here.
Just so you know,
in about an hour,
you're probably
going to notice you
have a bit of a sore throat.
I said, what the fuck
did you do to me?
She said, sir, it's the
most common side effect.
You know, we shoved a
tube down your throat
which may cause some
irritation or some swelling.
About 98% of the patients
will suffer from that.
So if and when that happens,
just take an ibuprofen
and you'll feel better.
I said, are you sure
that's all you did?
She said, I'm positive.
I said, you didn't touch
my asshole, did you?
She said, what?
I said, what?
And I walked out.
[LAUGHTER]
An hour goes by and
then two hours goes by
and I go into a panic because
I do not have a sore throat.
I'm like, oh my God, I've
got the throat of a gay man.
[LAUGHTER]
Somewhere out there
is a gay guy going,
oh my God, these dicks
are killing my throat.
And here I am with all
those wasted talent.
I could have been
guzzling dick all day.
[GIBBERISH]
I'm the envy of a community.
Is that your wife
with you, Sandeep?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
- Hi, wife.
How are you?
Do you guys have kids?
How many?
- Two.
RUSSELL PETERS: Two.
Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl?
- Boy.
Boy and girl.
One of each.
Are you happy with that?
Absolutely.
[LAUGHTER]
Is that the reason you
went dry on the endoscopy?
Because she was
like, if I'm going
to squeeze children
out of here, you're
going to take a dry endoscopy.
[LAUGHTER]
My advice to anybody if
you're going to have kids,
have a daughter.
Daughters are the best.
They just...
[APPLAUSE]
They really are.
I have my daughter
and I have a son.
He's a month and a half old.
He's brand new, so he's
not very smart yet.
But I don't think he's
going to get much smarter.
He's not... boy, he's dumb.
Boy, this kid's fucking dumb.
Like, you know when they're
that small, like, everything is
a tit that comes to his face.
You know... I go to
kiss him, he's like...
Hey, fuck off, that's my
nose, get out of here.
You ever get a nipple this big,
you need to check the check,
because that's something
weird going on there.
[LAUGHTER]
My girlfriend's Mexican.
And I didn't realize how
Mexican she was until she
went into labor and
they broke her water
and candy fell out of her.
Do you realize my son
is Mexican and Indian?
He's going to be able
to engineer the wall.
[LAUGHTER]
And hop it.
He's going to steal
your laptop and fix it.
It's going to be an
amazing thing to see.
How old are your kids?
22 and 19.
RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19.
Man, you did all
this shit young.
That's crazy.
I mean, that's great.
I did it way too late.
You think about it, I'm 49.
When my son starts
walking, we're going
to be walking the same way.
[LAUGHTER]
I waited too long.
Do you remember your
first pregnancy?
You remember it clearly?
Do you remember how
many months it took
you before you started to show?
Probably about
four to six, maybe?
Yeah, it's usually
about that, right?
Four to six months on your
first pregnancy, the woman
starts to show.
My girlfriend, she started
the show after one month.
It was like, [DOOM].
I'm like, what the
fuck is going on?
How many?
How many?
How many motherfuckers
are in there right now?
I took her straight
to the doctor.
I need to know many
heartbeats you hear, doctor.
How many heartbeats do you hear?
There was just one,
but I got so scared.
Because twins at
this age, fuck that.
Anybody here have
twins or is a twin?
You have them or you are?
AUDIENCE: Boys.
I have boys.
RUSSELL PETERS:
You have twin boys?
And apparent...
- But they are younger.
RUSSELL PETERS: I'm sorry?
And apparently your sunglasses
didn't come with instructions.
[LAUGHTER]
This side of my
head is very cool.
That's only because you pulled
your pag lower, that's all.
You have twin boys?
- Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: Identical?
- Yes.
Oh, see, that's twins.
What did you name?
Did you give them fun names?
Gouldet and Harlet.
Gouldet and Harlet?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
It sounds like you're stealing
something and putting it away.
Gouldet and Harlet, please.
[LAUGHTER]
Identical twins.
That's the only people that I
think should be called twins.
Can you tell them apart?
Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: Do
they were pags too?
No.
One has dimples.
One has dimples?
And the other one has...
Doesn't have.
RUSSELL PETERS: Oh.
Yeah, I figured.
One has dimples, the
other one, doesn't have.
Identical twins,
those are the only...
I hate when people tell
me, yeah, I got twins.
What do you got?
I got a boy and a girl.
That's not fucking twins ever.
What you got are two kids
with the same birthday.
Women call their
breasts the twins.
Have you ever had a
woman go, so would
you like to see the twins?
If she opened her shirt and
an elbow on an ankle fell out,
you'd be like, uh...
[LAUGHTER]
There's something
wrong with your twins.
Identical twins are the only
people that should be twins.
And I started getting scared
when I thought my girlfriend
was going to have twins.
But I started
settling into the idea
because I started thinking
of names for identical twins.
I was like, if I
have twin girls...
Because you've got to
have fun with the names.
If I have twin girls, these
are going to be my daughters,
it's going to be
Kate and Duplicate.
These are my boys,
it's Pete and Repeat.
If I had twins
with a black girl,
this is Tyrone and Tyclone.
Identical twins, that's like
bragging rights for you,
you know I mean.
That's your way of going, look.
Look at how good my balls are.
Look, look.
Or because you're Punjabi, look
at how good my junk they are.
Looks at this.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
Look at how good my balls are.
My balls are so strong,
they made one kid
and then it made the
exact same kid right away.
You lift up your balls,
sponsored by Xerox.
Sponsored by Xerox.
I call the left one copy
and the right one paste.
For the people that are in
relationships and your girl
wants kids and you don't
want kids, I got some...
I got a really great
way out of this.
Men, you need to learn
how to fake orgasms.
Trust me.
Sperm face, do you have...
[LAUGHTER]
I'll just call you Gisbonda.
You have kids?
- Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: How many?
- Two.
Two.
And with that lady there?
Yes.
And how old are they?
So my son is going to
be 7 and my daughter is 5.
RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK.
And you like them?
I love them.
You like them so much
you dress up as them.
[LAUGHTER]
It would have been amazing if
she was dressed like an egg
and you were like...
[LAUGHTER]
Men need to learn how
to fake orgasms, that's
their way around having kids.
Let me explain to you.
First of all, women don't need
to know how to fake orgasms
because they do it all the time.
And women don't fake orgasms
because they can't have them.
Women fake orgasms because
men are fucking idiots.
Because here's the
problem with men,
we either don't pay enough
attention to a woman
or we fixate on one spot.
We're like, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
And she's like ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow.
But we don't hear the ow part.
All we see is...
That must be the spot.
Don't leave that spot.
Er, er, er, ow,
ow, er, er, ow, ow,
er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow.
And the only way to get you
to stop if she goes, ah!
And then you are going,
yeah, I did that.
And she's like, no, you idiot.
I was going numb.
You need to learn how
to fake an orgasm.
Preag, let me show you how.
When it comes to faking
an orgasm with a woman,
it's very technical.
I have made up a
list of suggestions.
I recommend if you're going to
fake an orgasm with a woman,
you should be behind her...
Having sex, not
just standing there.
That'd fucking
weird if you just...
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
What the fuck was that?
So you should be behind
her having sex with her...
With her... at same time, yeah.
I recommend you're
behind the woman,
because when you're behind
a woman it's easier to fake.
It's harder for them
to check your work.
Because when you're
behind a woman,
very rarely does a woman turn
around and go, was that good?
Never.
Because you know why?
It's not an attractive angle.
Women don't want
to look like, what?
So when you're behind it's
like a horse in a race.
Just [TROTTING NOISES].
You never see a horse
going [TROTTING NOISES]
So you should be behind her.
And let me ask you something.
You guys are fucking obviously.
What's your name?
Sorry?
- Sohill.
RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill.
And your name, sweetheart?
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera?
What?
AUDIENCE: Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Sha... shamuch?
Pisha?
Shabina.
Subpoena?
Wait, like as in you've got
to go to court tomorrow?
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Savita.
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina.
That was like 10
different versions
of the same name I just heard.
Shabina, OK.
I'm going I'm going to
prove to every woman in here
that all men, including
myself, every man in here
has ADD, every single one of us.
OK, Shabina, you ever doing it
with Sohill and he's behind you
and you can feel him slow down
and then speed up and then
slow down and speed up.
And you're thinking, oh,
my little SoSo's got...
[LAUGHTER]
My little SoSo has moves.
Let me tell you something,
that's not what it is.
Let me tell you what happened.
It's ADD, that's exactly
what the fuck happened.
Here's what happens
ladies, we get behind you,
we're good for the
first two strokes.
And then after that, ADD.
We're like this,
yeah, all right.
[LAUGHTER]
I got to change that
light bulb when I'm done.
Oh shit, let me get back to it.
That's what happens.
OK, Preag, pay attention,
bastard, hello.
[LAUGHTER]
So when it comes to
faking the orgasm,
you don't have to do
anything crazy, all right?
You're just doing your
normal sex that you guys do.
And don't act like you do
all kinds of fancy shit
in the bedroom, OK people?
We all know once you're in
a relationship for a while,
there's the three
basic positions.
There's the us,
the her, the you.
That's all there is,
it's three moves.
One to get it started,
this one's for us.
OK, now it's your
turn sweetheart.
And then my turn,
that's what happens.
And here's some good reasons
as to why you should fake
an orgasm, because
you're not ready to deal
with a pregnant woman.
It's a very different...
Are you pregnant, sweetheart?
I could tell, because
you've got a thin face
and then you're
holding your stomach
and fat people never do that.
So when are you due?
Four weeks.
RUSSELL PETERS: In
four, oh wow, you're
right... like, right there.
And is this your first child?
And is she extra
horny right now?
It's true, it happens.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a fact.
It's true, they get really
horny towards the end
of the pregnancy.
And it's very
uncomfortable for us.
Because my girl when
she was pregnant,
she was like, towards
the end, she was like,
why don't you want
to have sex with me?
And I go, it's...
Oh my God, you think I'm fat.
I go, I don't think you're
fat, I know you're pregnant.
Then why would you
have sex with me?
I'm like, I physically
don't have enough equipment
anymore to get in there.
Because she got real big
when she was pregnant.
I was like, I can't.
She was like, I'll get on top.
And I go, no, because
she gets on top
then her stomach
pushes me further away.
And I'm like, huh, huh.
And nothing because
I can't reach.
It just my balls
hitting her in the back.
[SMACKING SOUNDS]
Nothing happening.
It's like that scene
in "Back to the Future"
where Doc's trying
to connect the wire.
Come on, Marty.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so you're doing your
three positions, right?
It's a regular
lovemaking day, you know.
You do us, her, and
now it's on to you.
So you're behind her,
doing your thing.
You don't have to
do anything extra,
you just do it like normal.
You want to set off any alarms.
And when it comes time
where you feel like now
is when I want to
fake my orgasm,
this is where the work comes in.
You have to sell it.
You have to make a really
believable noise, first of all.
All right, and it has to
be a noise that you're
not going to accidentally
do in the middle of the day,
all right.
And it's going to
be a big noise,
you don't want to be like, oh.
No, that's... That's
not it, all right.
It's got to be big and...
But like something... like what I
do is when it comes time for me
to fake an orgasm, what I
do is I just grab her ass
out of nowhere really hard.
I go [SLAP SOUND],
and then I go, ah!
Because I'm never going to
make that noise ever in my day.
Not unless I'm
doing an impression
of a reporter from the 1930s.
Russell Peters, LA Times,
can I get a quote, ah!
So you've got to go,
[SLAP SOUND], ah!
And that's only the beginning.
Now you have to sell the orgasm.
That's where the work comes in.
So it's [SLAP SOUND], ah!
[BLUBBERING]
[LAUGHTER]
You literally have to
act when her vagina
is electrocuting you.
And then when you're
done, you just collapse.
You die, you die, you fall over.
And then she'll be like, wow,
that was a good one, huh?
You're like, yeah, that
was a good one, yeah.
Pay attention though,
a couple of seconds
later, she's going to go, hey,
you're not leaking out of me.
You go, no, no, that's because
I shot that one way up there.
I launched that one.
It's in there deep.
Whatever you do, don't burp,
because it's going to come out.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, Indian parents,
like the NRI Indians,
they're very different
than you guys.
You may not believe me,
but you guys are far more
forward thinking than they are.
Here's the problem with the
Indians that left India,
they left India in
whatever year they left,
and that's what year
India is stuck in.
[LAUGHTER]
If they left in 1970...
If they left in 1970, India
is still 1970 to them.
They can't imagine all
this shit is happening.
No, no, Russell, that would
never happen in India.
Yeah, come.
Come, motherfucker.
You should see.
You're going to see.
They do, they try.
They hang on to
shit that doesn't
even exist in India anymore.
They try to be overly Indian.
And their whole
reason for leaving
was bullshit, because
they'll do this, no, I
want to leave and give my
children a better life,
give them opportunities, expose
them to different things,
let them experience a new world.
And then what do they do?
They have the kids born
and raised in America,
and then around 18, they go,
son, we know you're dating,
but maybe you should
consider an Indian girl.
And you're like, but
we're in America now.
I know, but you should
think about an Indian girl.
I go, no, I mean, you
know, If I meet one, yeah.
But it's not going to be my
focus, because there's so
many other women
around here, I might
as well try something else.
I mean, if I'm going to
get with an Indian girl,
what was the fucking point of
leaving in the first place?
At least over there we
got way more choice.
But son... this is the
bullshit they pull on them...
Son, what will
happen to our culture
if we don't stay together?
What will happen to our culture?
Let me tell you what will
happen to our culture,
fucking nothing.
Fucking nothing.
You know why?
Because there's 1.3 billion
motherfuckers right here.
[LAUGHTER]
If every Indian
outside of India never
married another Indian
again, we would still
have 1.3 billion right here.
You don't need us helping you.
Even you guys are
like, stop fucking,
please, we don't need any more.
Here's what Indian parents
need to understand,
is that the Indians
and the Chinese
will forever, always, 100% of
the time, be on this planet,
no matter what.
There's too many of
us to just go missing.
If there was a
nuclear war tomorrow,
you know what would be left?
Rats, roaches,
Indians, and Chinese,
that's all that would be left.
[LAUGHTER]
And since everything's
already made
on this great continent of
Asia, we're going to be fine.
Here's what Indian parents
need to understand,
if an Indian guy has a
kid with a white girl,
they have a beige baby,
that's a win for us.
I have two kids with Latin
women, my kids are khaki.
If an Indian guy has a
kid with a black woman,
that's a brown baby with the
possibility of a larger penis.
That's another
fucking win for us.
[LAUGHTER]
And if an Indian guy and a
Chinese girl have a baby,
that's a super baby,
and that's a win-win,
and you can name
the kid Win-Win.
[LAUGHTER]
You know who I feel
bad for in this world?
I feel bad for white people.
I do.
I feel bad for white people.
I know there's some in
here, but I can't see you.
You're back there, I see
you glowing in the dark.
I do feel bad for white
people because you're
dwindling at an alarming rate.
Like, there's not...
You realize, like,
in about 150 years
there's not going to be
any more purebred white people.
They've just been
infiltrated at all costs.
That's why I feel like
I live in America,
and in America you
see on the news,
you see white people
have these rallies.
And people get
really mad at them.
And I kind of
sympathize with them.
You see them on the news, like,
the white people need to be
together with the white people.
They always add an h in
front of it for some reason.
The white people.
And I'll tell you what.
But they're like white
people need to be
together with white people.
And I'm like, yeah, they do.
And they're like, what?
I'm like, I'm with you.
We don't want you with us.
I know.
I'm not with you, with you.
But I feel your pain.
What in the hell's
wrong with you, boy?
I'm just saying, well,
there's a lot of us
and there's very few of you.
I just want to see the
white people get preserved.
Because if white people
go missing, who the fuck
are we going to blame?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm not ready for that
kind of accountability.
Look at Scratch, his kids
are half Indian, yes.
He likes the brown.
And I don't mean...
[LAUGHTER]
But Indian parents, they're...
I know there's a lot of
Indian parents here too,
but you need to
know, Indian parents,
that you're very good parents,
but you're also really shit
parents at the exact same time.
Here's why they're good.
They're good because
they love you so much.
They're shit because
they love you so much.
Because here's the problem
with Indian parents,
they love their
kids to the point
where they don't let
their kids think at all.
Like, they don't... We don't
want their brain to burn out,
just let us do all
the thinking for you.
We will make all the decisions.
And it all stems
from... we all keep...
We're missing a generation,
you realize that.
There is a generation
missing from somewhere.
Because our parents
lived for their parents,
and our parents are trying
to make us live for them.
And then I guess
we'll pass it down
and make our kids live for us.
And who the fuck is
living themselves anymore?
But that's what they do.
They overpower you with
the, you know, son, just
do what I tell you to do, OK?
Trust me on this.
Don't do that.
Go here.
Don't go there.
Talk to these people.
Don't talk to those people.
And then I'm not the kind
of guy that can ever just
take information like that.
I always question everything.
So I'm like... if you want to
see an Indian parent fall apart,
question them.
Holy shit, they have
no clue what to do.
My dad would be like,
son, I don't want
you going to that club tonight.
I go, why not?
What do you mean why not?
I mean, why not?
I need to know why I
should not go to this club.
Son, because it's a fact.
What?
What do you mean?
What does that even mean?
Son, it means it's a fact.
You haven't given me one fact.
Son, it's a fact.
When something is a
fact, it's a fact.
You cannot change a fact
because a fact is a fact.
I'm like, is that a fact?
I love coming back to
India and I'll tell you why
because I love
coming back to India.
You know, what's funny is people
ask me all the time whenever
I come to India, like, Russell,
why don't you like Bollywood?
Why don't you like Bollywood?
I'll be honest with
you, I'm going to tell
you the truth right now.
Here's the reason I...
Here's the real reason
I don't enjoy Bollywood films,
because I love car chases.
And you can never have a
fucking car chase in Mumbai.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not even a plausible idea.
Quick, get him.
[HORN HONKING]
Uncle.
[KNOCKING]
[LAUGHTER]
Beat it, we're trying
to have car chase.
Uncle.
Car chase went up to at
least two kilometers an hour.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's the thing now and we live
in a really interesting time.
Where Indians used
to just always leave
India to go on
vacation, I'm finding
more and more Indians are
celebrating their country more.
They're going to
different places in India
and having, like, these really
nice trips and vacations.
And that, to me,
is very important.
Because the Indians that
left, when we come here,
we only go to where we're from.
We don't see anything else ever.
When I was a kid and
I would come to India,
just Bombay, Calcutta.
That's all I would see, Bombay,
Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta.
It got to the point
where I didn't
know if there was any more
to India than just Bombay
and Calcutta.
And I remember being here in
Bombay, I was 9 years old.
And I said to my dad, I go,
dad, is there any more to India
than just Bombay and Calcutta?
And my dad said, no.
Are you sure?
Positive.
But there seems like there's
a whole bunch of country
out there.
I'm sure there's more people.
There are more people and
they look just like you.
What do you want to see?
I was like, dad, can
I see the Taj Mahal?
Not from here.
Physically impossible.
It's a different place.
You know, it's one of those...
It's a beautiful place, but
I always try and explain it
to people in North America that
India is the kind of country
where you could cut it in half
and have a north and the south
and probably create
two countries...
Not that I want you to.
But I'm saying, because
they're two completely
different fucking worlds.
You take a guy from
the north of India
and a guy from the south of
India and throw them in a room
together, they have
nothing in common.
They can't speak
the same language,
they don't look the same,
they don't eat the same food.
The only one common denominator
throughout all of India
is this.
That's the only one
thing we can agree on.
You throw them in a
room, where are you from?
I'm from India.
I'm from India, what part?
No, not that part, no.
Growing up I was ripped off
from the Indian culture,
my parents didn't
exposed me to it.
It was unfair.
Because I hung around
black people my whole life.
From the time I was about four
years old all I hung around
was black dudes.
And it wasn't until I was about
18 that I realized, holy shit,
I don't know anything
about Indian people.
Because my name's Russell, my
parents are Eric and Maureen,
my brothers Clayton, my
grandparents are James,
Christopher, Sheila, Eileen.
It's not going to happen.
It wasn't till I
was about 18 that I
started to meet Indian people.
And I was so excited
to meet Indian people,
but I'd never
heard Indian names.
I saw an Indian guy, and
I go, yo, are you Indian?
He goes, yeah.
Me too.
I go, I'm Russell.
He goes, I'm Pancag.
I go, whoa, what
the fuck was that?
I go, why do your
parents not like you?
And then he's like... and this
is when I realized how much I
didn't know about Indian
culture... he goes,
hey, you know that
one Indian song?
I go, no, I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about.
Because my dad was very
much against Indian music.
He didn't like the Indian movies
or the Indian music at all.
It was just his... he just
didn't like the sound of it.
And I get it, you know.
Like, my mom would sneak the
Indian channel on every now
and then and there'd
be, like, an Indian song
playing in the back ground.
My dad would just
yell from the kitchen,
Maureen, shut that shit off.
Sounds like cats in heat.
And then I remember hearing
Indian music for the first time
and I go, holy fuck, it does
sound like cats in heat.
[SCREECHING]
And that's why
there's so many of us
because we listen
to horny cat music.
But when I say I
didn't know anything
about the Indian
culture, I mean fucking
basic things I was lacking.
And I was so mad at my
parents for ripping me off
from that part of
my culture that I
went out of my way to
try and learn everything
about Indian culture.
But there's too much to know.
There's no way you can know
everything about Indian people.
That's probably why we believe
in reincarnation so you can
come back and finish the book.
But basic things, like, basic,
basic things I didn't know.
Like, we came to India about
12, 13 years ago for shows,
here's how much I didn't know.
We got off the plane and the
lady... all I can remember
is my dad teaching me was,
son, always be respectful, OK?
Always be respectful.
I go, all right, be respectful.
We got off the plane in Bombay.
The lady greets us.
She goes, namaste, sir.
I go, thank you.
My brother goes, what
the fuck was that?
I go, I'm being respectful.
He goes, no, you
fucking idiot, you're
supposed to namaste with her.
I go, I don't know
her like that.
I can't just start namasting
bitches all over the place
and catch a me too.
I'm not playing this game.
He goes, no, you fucking idiot.
You gotta bow and say namaste.
I go, oh, right.
Namaste, right.
So then we get to the hotel
and the guy greets us.
He goes, namaste, uncle.
And I go, uncle, who
the fuck is this guy?
We got cousins
working at the hotel?
Let's get an upgrade.
And then after a while,
I got the hang of it
and I became, like,
the namaste king.
You couldn't out
namaste me for nothing.
I was like... I was namasting
the shit out of people.
I was like, namaste,
namaste, namaste.
I was turning spins on it.
Namaste, motherfuckers.
I was like a black girl at
church breaking it down.
Na-mas-te.
[LAUGHTER]
There was a lady in my hotel
lobby, she was about to sneeze.
She went... and I went namaste.
She she went, you
fucked up my sneeze.
But I was on fire with
my namastes everywhere.
And we were on tour and then
my fake northern half of India
is namaste, namaste,
namaste, namaste.
And then we went
to Chennai Madras.
And I'd never been
to the South before.
And we get off the plane.
And as we get off the plane, the
girl puts her hands together.
And I cut her off
and I go namaste.
And she goes, vanakkam.
[LAUGHTER]
What?
What?
What?
What's that?
She goes, vanakkam.
I said, did you
just say vanna come?
[LAUGHTER]
I was like, I like the south.
Of course I want to come.
Doesn't anybody want to come?
Should you want to come
at least once a day?
It's different down there, man.
It's very different.
I try to explain to
people the difference
between North and South.
North, taller, lighter
skin, bigger features, more
body hair, not that bright.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a fact.
You go to the south, shorter,
darker, smaller features,
less body hair, much smarter.
And if you don't believe me that
you're smarter in the South,
I'll prove it to you.
All the computer shit
that happens in the world,
happens in the south of India.
And I was trying to
figure out why are
they so good with computers?
And I figured it out,
it's the languages.
Because in the north
they speak slower.
[SLOW GIBBERISH]
Then you go to the south
and they sound like this...
[FAST GIBBERISH]
And that's why they
can read computer code.
[LAUGHTER]
[FAST GIBBERISH]
Well, there we are in
Madras and the promoter
meets us at the airport and
he's like, hello, Russell.
And I go, hi, I'm Russell.
He goes, this is your driver.
And I go, hey
buddy, I'm Russell.
And he goes, Hello
Russell, I'm Naga Lingam.
I said, what happened?
He said, I am Naga Lingam.
I said, I don't know
what you're saying.
That is my name, sir.
What is your name?
Naga Lingam.
I said, we're going
to need to work
on this because I don't know
that I'll be able to say that.
Please, sir, everyone
just calls me Naga.
I said, oh, I gotta
be honest with you,
I grew up with black
people and I'm a little
uncomfortable with your name.
I got to be honest with you.
He goes, please, sir, everyone,
please, just call me Naga.
I said, all right, all right.
So we start driving, right?
And I see this mall
coming up in the distance.
And I'm like, oh, I
need to get something.
So I'm trying to get
the driver's attention.
I'm like, yo, [CLEARS THROAT]
hello, hello, excuse
me, bastard, bastard G, hello,
hello, hello, yo, hey yo,
my Naga.
Can we stop in that
mall for a second?
He goes, no, no, sir.
We must continue to venue.
I was like, Naga, please.
Just then this guy cuts him
off and he loses his shit.
And I was like, yo, this
Naga's crazy, right?
[LAUGHTER]
Right then my mom calls me.
And she's like, where are you?
I said, I'm in Madras.
She goes, oh, that's great.
Did you know that your
grandfather, James Peters,
was born and raised in Madras
and then he moved to Bombay
and that's where
your father was born.
I said, I did not know that.
But did you know I got a driver
and he's got the best name
I've ever heard in my life.
She goes, what's his name?
I said, Naga.
And she goes, OK.
I said, mom, isn't that funny?
She said, no, why is it funny?
What do you mean,
why is it funny?
Mom, his name is Naga.
You know like, Naga what?
Naga who?
And if you don't know
now you know, Naga.
She goes, son, that's not funny.
Naga just means snake.
It does?
What's his last name?
I said, Lingam.
She goes, oh my
God, that's funny.
I go, why is that funny?
That means penis.
What?
Wait, this guy's
name is snake penis?
It is a very common
name in the south.
What?
There are many snake
peni down here?
You can't just name
your kid snake penis
and send him out in the world.
It's not like he's
living in America
with a name like
Naga Lingam where
nobody knows what it means.
You all know what the
fuck his name means.
You know that this
Naga Lingam had to have
had an arranged marriage.
And it was one of
those hardcore arranged
marriages where he
never met the girl
till the day of the wedding.
Even he got to the wedding,
he was like, which one is she?
OK, got it.
Good, yes.
They have the wedding,
they have the reception,
everybody has a wonderful time.
Naga Lingam and his new
wife go back to the hotel
room for the first time.
Their alone, it's uncomfortable,
he walks in the bedroom.
So I guess you heard.
Would you like to see it?
And she goes, OK.
He pulls out a flute.
[FLUTE MUSIC]
Thank you so much, Bombay.
I love you guys.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[TYPING]
[CHEERING]
NARRATOR: Ladies and
gentlemen, it's start time
at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium.
And right about now, we're going
to bring you the brother that
gave you, "somebody going to get
a hurt real bad," "be a man,"
"take it and go."
One of "Rolling
Stones" 50 greatest
stand up comics of all time.
Let's bring him on right now,
the brownest working man in
show business, Russell Peters.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
Hello Bombay buggers.
What's happening?
I know it's going
to sound strange,
but it's good to be home.
I mean, although I was
never born and raised here,
but I still feel at home.
I feel like I don't
have to do things
that I have to do back home
to keep up with white people.
I can just be a
comfortable brown man here.
Fuck it, I don't even have to
put on deodorant over here if I
don't want to, because
it's not stopping you,
you know what I mean?
[LAUGHTER]
Give it up for Starting From
Scratch, ladies and gentlemen.
[APPLAUSE]
So we're back in the motherland.
How you doing, buddy?
You OK?
He must be good.
He give me, like, the sharp one.
That's how you know you're
really fucking good.
It wasn't even
multiple, just one.
What's your name?
Preag.
RUSSELL PETERS: What?
Preag.
That sounds like before ugly.
I am pre-ug right now,
10 more years, full-ug.
[LAUGHTER]
How you doing, buddy?
Good?
You chose to look
like a sperm tonight.
I see that was your...
That was a choice you made.
[LAUGHTER]
How did you get here?
[LAUGHTER]
That's why traffic
doesn't bother him.
I was around a million others.
That's an awful outfit.
Pre-ug, actually ug.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, let me tell you
what's been happening
with me since the last
time I saw you guys.
I don't know if you know
this, it's been a few years
since I've been here.
But since the last time
I was here, I got fat.
And... fuck you.
I... here's what happened, I was
like my regular kind of fat.
You know what I mean?
Like, that kind of fat
when you look at me
and you go, you
know, Russell, if you
would just run, like, once.
That's the problem with
being Indian, we get fat.
We're born skinny,
that's the real problem.
We're born skinny.
We're naturally a
skinny race of people.
And we're born skinny
and we stay skinny.
We don't have to work
hard to be skinny.
We could be skinny and
eat whatever we want
and stay skinny.
And then we never go to the
gym because we're skinny,
we don't need to.
And our parents don't
encourage you to go to the gym.
You're like, dad, I'm
going to go to the gym.
What's in the gym?
Do they have studies in the gym?
No, you're not going to the gym.
You stay home and
do your studies.
And because you
never tone up, you
stay this, like, really smushy
kind of skinny, you know.
And you eat whatever you
want your entire life.
And then at 30, you're
Indian genes kick
in and go, OK, party's over.
And then you just get fat,
and it's, like, a fucking
awful fat that we get.
And that's what happened to me.
I mean, I'm much
older than that now.
But I got like a
weird kind of fat.
I was like my normal fat and
then I woke up one morning,
I was like, [POOF].
I was like, I'm bloated.
I figured I would pee it
out, I would sweat it out,
I'd be fine the next day.
Anyway, cut to a year and a
half later and I'm still [POOF]..
And I go, something's wrong.
So I go to the doctor.
I go, doc, I got fat.
He goes, yes.
I said, thanks, asshole.
I didn't come here
for confirmation.
I came here to find
out why I got fat.
He goes, well, why do
you think you're fat?
I said, because I have a mirror.
And I walked past it
naked the other day
and I thought somebody
else was in my room.
I was like, on my God, who
fat, hairy ass is that?
Turns out it was my stomach.
It was...
And people on the internet
were calling me fat.
You guys are dicks, by the way.
You say whatever you want
to us on the internet.
And if we respond,
we're assholes.
So we just have
to take the abuse.
But sometimes I get
mad when people say
things to me on the internet.
Not because of what they said,
more so because it's probably
something I would have said.
And then I'm mad
that my own words
are getting used against me.
Like, I posted something
for this TV show I was on.
And somebody goes, holy shit,
did you eat your whole cast?
And I was like, damn it,
I would have said that to.
I probably would
have said that too.
And then somebody posted
a picture with me,
and somebody commented
and went, Russell Peters,
looking thicker than a snicker.
I got mad at that because
I love a good rhyme.
Thicker than a snicker,
that's a good one too.
It's not a fair way
to describe a human.
I think thicker than a
snicker is a great way
for me to describe my penis.
I think it's a wonderful
way to describe it.
So Russell, tell me
about your penis.
Well, it's thicker than
a snicker, equally dark
and vain texture, packed
with nuts, and it satisfies.
[LAUGHTER]
So I said to my
doc, I said, doc,
it doesn't make sense
that I should be
getting as fat as I'm getting.
He said, why not?
I said, because I
don't eat crazy,
and I train jujitsu
every other day.
He's like, huh, how
old are you now?
I said, 48.
He goes, and you're Indian?
I go, yeah, but...
He goes, and you haven't
had a heart attack yet?
He goes... I said, no, I
haven't had a heart attack yet.
He goes, all right.
So he takes blood and I leave.
Calls me back in
three days later.
I go back in, he's like,
hey, I got your blood back.
I know what's wrong.
I go, what's wrong?
He goes, it's your thyroid.
I go, what about it?
He goes, you have an
underactive thyroid.
I go, so what does that mean?
It means it's not doing enough.
I said, I understand what
the fuck underactive means.
He goes, then why did you ask?
I said, how is it affecting me?
He goes, the thyroid
is making you fat.
I go, the thyroid
is making me fat.
He goes, no, you're
doing things too,
but the thyroid
is really helping.
I go, so what do we got to do?
He said, we've got to
speed your thyroid up.
I said, let's get that
bitch moving, right.
So it's been a
year and a half now
and I lost 24 pounds from it.
But it wasn't me, it
was the medication.
It's not me.
And I've lost... like my
body's in much better shape
than it's ever been, but my
fucking head is fat as shit.
And I don't know...
I don't know how to...
I look like a fucking thumb.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know how hard it
is to lose a fat head?
It's almost impossible.
I used to box.
There's tricks when
you want to lose weight
from your body in boxing, you
could put on a garbage bag
and you go sit in the
sauna and you sweat it off.
Let me give you some
friendly advice,
you can't do that
with your head.
I know, I found
out the hard way.
I was like, you know
what, I got this.
I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw
it over my big stupid head.
I'm not an idiot, I cut
a hole from my nose.
It was a substantial hole.
And I went sat in the sauna.
But I forgot when you have a
larger nose and you inhale,
you tend to suck up more
than the average human.
And I took a deep
breath in the sauna
and sucked up the plastic bag.
And my friends thought I
was trying to commit suicide
in the dumbest way possible.
But when I got fat, I
got like a weird kind.
Indian people, we get
the worst kind of fat.
Like, it just goes everywhere.
Like, white people,
do you ever see
white Americans when they get
fat, it's just bam, a belly.
And you can't tell from behind.
Hey, look at the white guy.
He turns around
and, like, hello.
But Indians, it just shows
up in the weirdest places.
Like, I started to grow tits,
but not in front, on the side.
I don't know what the fuck
they were going, but...
[LAUGHTER]
I was growing side tits and
they were like arm rests.
I was walking around
after a while, I was...
It was like I was going to go
into a pool with some floaties
on the whole time.
And then I was
getting a fat back.
That was a weird thing to get.
It was like fat on my back.
I would sit down and my fat back
would hang over the chair and.
I'm like, what the fu...
I would grab it and
go, this feels nice.
But not on me, I
don't like this.
And then I had a chunk of fat,
like a big... like, right here...
A big, huge clump of fat.
Like, when a woman gets fat
here, it's called a gunt.
Because it's a gut
right above her...
You know I mean.
So it's a gunt.
And I guess when I
had it, it's a gock.
I guess it would
be a gock, I guess.
I don't know.
Literally for a year and a
half, I didn't see my penis.
I would have to
lift it up to visit.
You still there, buddy?
OK, good.
And I'd rest it.
Don't worry, the sun
will shine one day.
So my doctor says, hey,
what else is wrong with you?
I go, what do you mean
what else is wrong with me?
He goes, look, you're a
48-year-old Indian man.
I'm like, that's really fucking
racist, but since you asked,
I have acid reflux.
I don't know.
Does anybody else... who else
has acid reflux in here?
First of all, you're
lying to me right now.
Because there is no way
you can be Indian and not
have fucking acid reflux.
It's inevitable.
There's no way you can
consume the food that we eat
with that much spice, and that
much oil, and that much butter,
and not just have it
burn a hole in your...
As my dad would
say... your esophagus.
What?
Son, it's burning
your esophagus.
Dad, I want to assure you
I have no phagus in me.
No, no, son, esophagus.
I don't care whose
phagus you think this is.
There's no way you
don't have acid reflux.
I'm looking at all of you,
especially all the pudgy guys.
You know exactly who has it.
You got it, don't
you, yellow guy?
You do, do you.
He's like, I know,
I have it, but I
don't want to say because my
shirt looks like turmeric, so...
I've had acid reflux
my entire life...
My entire life.
And I remember being
six years old...
And here's the worst thing
about having acid reflux,
it's triggered by food.
And when you grow up
in an Indian house
and your food is Indian
food, and this food triggers
your fucking acid
reflux, and you
can't eat Indian food anymore,
you're a piece of shit.
Like, I remember
going to my mom, mom,
I can't eat Indian food anymore.
Mom goes, what?
Do you realize people in
India are dying to eat
this food, literally dying.
I said, mom, do you
understand that I'm
dying if I eat this food?
Literally dying.
I was six years old, I
remember this clearly,
I was six years
old and I remember
burping and fire
shot up my chest
and flames came out my nose.
And I remember
clearly because there
was tears coming down my eyes.
And I remember going, I'm
crying and I'm not crying,
I'm very confused.
And I go to my mom, I go, mom,
mom, it's burns when I burp.
My mom goes, what?
I said, it burns when I burp.
Oh my God, it burns
when he burps.
Oh my God, son, OK,
do this, don't burp.
[LAUGHTER]
That was your big
piece of advice, mom?
I'm like, I'm serious,
mom, it's burning.
She goes, OK, OK, yeah,
yeah, here, drink some milk,
drink some milk.
I drank the milk, nothing.
Mom, it's still
burning, never mind.
Dad, dad, it's still burning.
My dad goes, OK, OK, see
the yogurt on the table?
Eat the yogurt.
What?
Eat the yogurt.
What do you mean eat the yogurt?
Son, it's a fact.
What's a fact?
If you eat the yogurt,
it will cool you down.
You'll feel better.
How is that...
It's a fact, son.
How is that a fact?
Son, do you even
know what yogurt is?
Yogurt is a probiotic.
When you get sick, what
does the doctor give you?
Antibiotic.
[LAUGHTER]
Dad, I'm six years old.
I don't know what a
fucking biotic is.
Son, one is for biotics
and one is against biotics.
I said, I still don't
know what a biotic is.
Son, just eat the
bastard yogurt.
I go, why?
Because why do you think
Indian people keep yogurt
on the table when we eat food?
To help your digestion.
I said, OK, now
that makes sense.
So I grabbed a
bowl of the yogurt.
I start eating it, Well,
fuck me in the eye,
there's chilies and
onions in the yogurt.
Why?
Why did we spice the yogurt?
That's what triggers
the burning.
And Indian parents will become
racist at the drop of a dime.
I go, dad, why did
we spice the yogurt?
He goes, how else are
you going to eat yogurt?
Plain?
We're not white people.
I said, dad, that's
really racist.
Is it racist or is it a fact?
How is that a fact?
Son, what color is plain yogurt?
[LAUGHTER]
What does plain
yogurt taste like?
Nothing.
What is the contribution
from white people
to the food of the world?
Nothing.
It's a fact.
So my doctor says to me,
hey, I just called downstairs
to the clinic in
the lobby and I got
you an endoscopy appointment.
I go, what?
He goes, when was the last
time you had an endoscopy?
I said, never.
Let me tell you
something, doc, I've never
shoved anything in my ass.
He said, what the fuck
are you talking about?
I said, doc, I'm not
an idiot, all right?
I know what an endoscopy is.
It's in your end -os.
Copy.
He said, no, you fucking
idiot, it's in your mouth.
I said, hey, yo.
It may be in your mouth, doc,
but it ain't in my mouth, bro.
I mean, what you do outside of
here is none of my business,
man.
That's why I like my
doctor because he swears
at me when he talks to me.
I trust him for
that reason alone.
I don't trust people
that don't swear.
People that don't swear,
you're hiding something.
There's something
wrong with you.
You probably touch kids.
I'm telling you,
there's something
wrong with people that don't
swear, there's something wrong.
They're hiding something.
And people that don't swear act
like they're better than you.
Because they go out
of their way to let
you know they don't swear.
I don't know, I just
find better ways
of communicating than using
foul and obscene language.
It's like, [GIBBERISH].
You keep an eye on those people.
They're hiding some...
There's something really
dark going on in their head.
They've got some
dark, dark secrets
and they don't want
you to know about it.
You see them, the people
that are too nice,
they'll be too friendly,
too polite, you know.
They got dark stuff
going on in their head.
They'll be like, well, the
wife and I had a lovely dinner
with you all tonight.
We hope you all have a
wonderful night of digestion.
We're going to reconvene to
the bedroom and at which point
in the morning, we'll
collect again and enjoy
a delicious breakfast together.
And at which point we shall
discuss the night's events.
With that, I wish you all good
night and pleasant dreams.
And they go to the bedroom
and he closes the door.
And he's like, all right,
honey, shit on my chest.
Because they got dark, dark
things going on in there.
Here's the good news, I swear
I'll never shit on your chest.
I like how uncomfortable
that made all of you.
I'm just trying to do the math
on the shitting on the chest,
it's...
What is the purpose of this?
My doctor says, listen, I
called downstairs to the clinic
in the lobby and I got you
an endoscopy appointment.
I go, when?
He goes, right now.
I go, so what do I gotta do?
He said, you got to go
downstairs to the lobby
and go to the clinic.
And I go, and when is
this going to happen?
He said, right now.
I said, OK, so where is
this going to happen?
He says, at the
clinic in the lobby.
I go, no, no, on me.
He goes, oh, in your mouth.
I go, so what's going
to happen in my mouth?
He says, they're going
to give you an endoscopy.
I go, and it just takes
place in my mouth?
He goes, yeah.
I go, they're not going to
touch my asshole, are they?
He said, do you want them
to touch your asshole?
No, they're not going
to touch your asshole.
I said, OK, doc, I just want to
confirm that this procedure is
strictly in my mouth.
He goes, that is correct.
I said, OK, I'm going to go.
But I swear to God, doc, if
they try and touch my asshole,
I'm coming back up here
and I'm fucking you up.
He goes, go, you idiot.
So I go.
Now here's the problem,
my doctor knows me.
He knows what kind
of person I am.
He knows I've been a
comedian for 30 years.
He knows how my brain works.
He knows how I have no filter.
See, comedians look at the
audience, we look at you guys
and go, those are civilians.
You guys are civilians.
You know how to do this,
sit around each other
and be normal.
Just sit around and go...
I don't... I don't have
that fucking filter.
I have to... as soon you
see... as soon as I walk out...
[GIBBERISH]
But these people in the clinic
don't know me like that,
so I can't go in and be me.
So I have to do my
impression of how I think you
would handle this situation.
So I walk up to the
clinic and I'm like, hi.
I'm here for my
endoscopy appointment.
It's in the mouth.
She goes, yes, sir.
We know where it is.
Please come around.
OK.
So I walk around and she
hands me a hospital gown.
And says, OK, sir,
just go down the hall,
take off your clothes, put
this on, and we'll get started.
I said, uh... um, I think
there's a misunderstanding here.
My doctor upstairs, he
told me that this procedure
just takes place in my mouth.
She goes, that's correct.
I go, oh, well, then
hang on to the gown.
Let's just go get started.
She goes, no, no, sir.
You have to... you
can't have your clothes
on when we do this procedure.
I said, that doesn't
make any sense.
Because if it's just my
mouth you need access to...
[AH]
I'm not fighting you on this.
I'm not even blocking my mouth.
I'm here to help.
Pick a chin, which
one do you like?
I'll hold it down for you.
She's like, sir,
it's policy that
you cannot have
your street clothes
on when we do this procedure.
I said, you know, it's
funny you should say that,
because I, too, have a policy.
And my policy is that
I like as many layers
as possible protecting
my asshole at all times.
She said, sir, would you just
go put the fucking gown on.
I said, whoa, you swore.
All right.
So I go down to the change room.
And I'm standing there and
I'm buck ass naked, right?
And I start getting really
paranoid about my ass.
And then I get a brilliant idea.
I take the hospital gown
and I put it on backwards.
Smart, right?
Right?
To protect it.
But then I look down, my dick
is just swinging, just like...
[LAUGHTER]
Look, it's my story,
I'll make my penis as big
as I want it to be, all right?
It's India.
You're all, like, come on, bro.
That's not even believable, OK?
Not even on a humid day.
It's true, it was cold in
there too, you know, I just...
You know what I mean?
It was embarrassingly small.
It just looked like three
coins and a mushroom cap.
It was just terrible.
It was the worst.
Oh man.
You know what I mean, you
know what I mean, right?
You know what I mean?
Have you ever had it shrivel up
so much that you bend forward
and it inverts.
You're like, hey,
where did my dick go?
You're like dick, no
dick, dick, no dick.
My black security guys
never get that joke.
I don't get it.
If I bend forward, the
motherfucker hits the floor.
[LAUGHTER]
So I'm like, well,
this is embarrassing,
so I put the gown
on the right way.
And I walk back in the room.
And she goes, all right,
Mr. Peters, just hop up here
and we'll get started.
So I hop up on the
table, but I put
my ass right against the wall.
Because like I said,
I train jujitsu.
If you want to come at
me when I'm on my back,
it's your funeral, not mine.
And she goes, all right,
sir, just so you know,
during this procedure
we're going to be putting
you under using propofol.
I said, wait, wait
a minute, propofol?
Isn't that the shit that
killed Michael Jackson?
She goes, yes, yes it is.
I go, what do you
mean, yes, yes it is?
Why are you so happy about this?
It killed the biggest
pop star of my lifetime
and you think it's
just OK for me to take?
She said, sir, Michael
Jackson was having
an improperly administered.
I said, Michael Jackson
was having many things
improperly administered.
But wasn't his doctor's
name Dr. Conrad Murray?
Yes.
Wasn't he a doctor?
Yes.
Well, what's your title?
I'm an anesthesiologist.
I said, look, I don't care what
your zodiac sign is, all right?
I don't even know
what month that is.
She said, sir, my job is to
make sure you go to sleep
and wake up.
I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH].
I said that is a fine answer
and I will accept that.
She goes, great.
Please lay on your side.
I said no, no, no.
Why?
Why do I got to lay on my side?
I lay on my side,
you knock me out,
you lift up the dress,
you flip up a butt cheek,
you start stuffing
me like a turkey.
I'm not falling for
this trick, lady.
She said, sir, you need
to lay on your side
because when we give
you the propofol
you're going to pass out and
you're going to fall over.
And when you fall over,
you could hurt yourself.
So to avoid any injury, you need
to already start on your side.
I said, that is a fair answer.
She goes, great.
So I lay on my side,
but I tuck my ass
in real tight on the wall.
And she goes, why don't you
count down from five with us?
And I go, all right.
Five, four, thwump.
Out cold.
I don't know if any of you've
been put under at the doctor,
but...
Sir, have you been put
under at the doctor?
You're an older gentleman.
I mean, not older, but you know,
you're not these fucking kids,
you know what I mean?
What's your name?
Sandeep.
And how old are you Sandeep?
48, we're the same age.
Same shit.
And have you been put
under at the doctor?
I got an endoscopy.
RUSSELL PETERS: You
had an endoscopy?
"Endo-scope-y."
He had the "endo-scope-y."
And I had the
endoscopy, so I think...
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know if they gave you
propofol when they put you out?
No.
RUSSELL PETERS: No, they
gave you the cheap shit?
Did they knock you
out when they did it?
AUDIENCE: No.
No?
All right, Sandeep, open wide.
[YELLING]
Really?
You were awake?
Yeah.
Why didn't you spend the extra
$10 and get the fucking med?
[LAUGHTER]
Is it even possible to do
it when somebody is awake?
Oh my God.
It's ironic because all the
doctors in America are Indian.
[LAUGHTER]
And then in India,
they're like, fuck it,
we don't need all
these fancy tricks.
Open wind, Sandeep.
Were you 1970 or '71?
'71.
RUSSELL PETERS: '71.
So you're a year
younger than me.
But you know what's...
You know what I'm not
looking forward to,
next year I'll be 50.
And uh-uh, because you
know what happens at 50.
They've got to go with the old...
[WHISTLING]
You know?
[SQUEAKING]
You know what I'm talking about?
[BAA-ING]
[MOO-ING]
I'm running out of noises,
Sandeep, all right?
Sir, how old are you?
Huh?
AUDIENCE: 60.
RUSSELL PETERS: 60.
Did you have the
old [WHISTLING]??
Not yet.
You haven't done it yet?
What the fuck are
you waiting for?
You're 60.
You gotta get your shit checked.
Here's the thing,
when I turned 40,
it's when you were supposed
to do it back then.
And then for some
reason as I turned 40,
there were like,
no, no, it's 50 now.
And I go, yes.
And I was like, I got 10
years before they're going
to shove a hand up my ass.
And I figured in that 10
years, they would come up
with some sort of technology.
Because in those 10 years they
got a fucking Rover to Mars.
India's got one circling Mars.
The Chinese have got
shit on the moon.
And no, 10 years
later, still [AH]..
I'm still puzzled that you were
awake when this shit happened.
I can't imagine
how uncomfortable
that would have been.
Yeah, they knock you out
and they give you propofol.
Let me just too you something
about this propofol shit.
It's incredible.
I get it, Michael, I get it.
It's an amazing drug, and I'm
not a drug guy by any means.
It's not even my thing at all.
I drink a little,
but that's about it.
You know, but people come up
to after the shows all the time
and say, hey, Russell, you...
[SNIFFING]
What?
You do blow?
What?
Coke?
You do cocaine?
Do I fucking look
like I do cocaine?
If I'm doing cocaine and
my face is still this fat,
I'm doing cocaine wrong.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, give me another line, yeah.
Aw, oh!
No, I don't do cocaine.
Have you seen the
size of my nose?
You can't afford to do
cocaine with a nose this big.
You go broke after one try.
Wouldn't be able to do
lines, I'd have to do lanes.
It's not a reasonable
drug of choice.
[LAUGHTER]
Then why are you
always sniffing?
I'll tell you exactly.
I'm aware that I sniff a lot.
And I'll tell you
exactly why I sniff.
I used to box.
And when I was boxing,
I broke my nose.
But I didn't know I broke my
nose, so it never got fixed.
And of course I
would've broken my nose.
It's been literally 30 years
since I've broken my nose,
but I didn't know.
Because I thought a broken
nose looked like a broken nose.
I thought it was like
the guys in my gym
where there was
nothing then a nub.
And they're like,
what's up, champ?
I didn't know.
I just thought I
was a bleeder when I
would get punched in the face.
Last year is when I found out.
I went to the doctor
last year, because I
was having trouble breathing.
I go, hey, doc, I'm
having trouble breathing.
He goes, what's the problem?
I go, like, one nostril works
and then the other one doesn't.
And then when the other
one stops working,
the other one starts working.
It's like there's
a flap in there.
Like a train, you know, local,
express, local, express.
He goes, have you
ever broke your nose?
I said, no.
He said, you sure?
I said, doc, I'm not an idiot.
Pretty sure I'd know
if I broke my nose.
He said, didn't you
tell me you used to box?
I said, yeah.
He goes, so wait, you used to
box and you never broke that?
I said, doc, I
never broke my nose.
He goes, wait, hold
on a second, you're
trying to tell me you
were so good at boxing
that you managed to avoid
breaking the biggest
fucking thing on your body?
I say, I'm telling you,
I never broke my nose.
He goes, if you never broke
that fucking nose in boxing,
you should have a 10
world titles by now.
I said, I never broke it.
He goes, lean forward,
you fucking idiot.
So I lean forward.
He goes like this, yeah,
your nose is broken.
I go, how do you know that?
He goes, because I'm a doctor.
Yeah, but how can you tell?
He goes, because
it's not connected.
I go, if it's not connected,
why didn't it fall off?
He goes, you're a fucking idiot.
He goes, look, nobody's nose
should move around like this.
I shouldn't be able
to move it around,
and double click, and order
shit off Amazon from your face.
This is not a normal nose.
I go, that's a broken nose?
He goes, yeah, what
did you think it was?
OK, don't judge me, all right?
This is actually what
I thought this was.
And understand I've been
a comedian for 30 years
and I have a creative mind.
Here's really what
I thought this was.
You know how humans...
This is how you know
it's going to be dumb...
You know how humans are
an ever evolving species?
Like, if you looked at
humans from 10,000 years ago,
you go, what the
fuck were those?
Well in 10,000 years, those
humans are going to look at us
and go, what the
fuck were those?
Well, so because of
evolution and my own ego,
I thought that I was evolving
at a faster rate than you.
[LAUGHTER]
And that my body, to
accommodate the larger nose,
had developed some sort of
joint hinge system in here
to alleviate the weight.
I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
He goes, you're
fucking retarded.
I said, doc, you actually
cannot say that anymore.
What?
That you're fucking retarded?
Yeah, you can't say
retarded anymore, doctor.
No, I can say it.
No, you can't, because
it's offensive to people.
I'm not talking about anybody
else, I'm talking about you.
You're a fucking retard.
And I go, no, doc, you
can't say retard or retarded
at all anymore.
He goes, I'm not talking about
anybody, I'm talking about you.
And as a matter of fact, I'm
putting it in your notes.
I said, you're putting in
my notes that I'm a retard?
He goes, no, I'm putting
that you're a fucking retard.
He goes, lean forward.
I lean forward.
He goes, let me
show you something.
I lean forward.
He goes like this.
OK, now breathe.
And I go [TAKES BREATH].
Oh, that's amazing.
What did you do?
He goes, I attached your nose.
[LAUGHTER]
This is awesome.
He goes, I can fix it and
you can breathe like that
for the rest of your life.
I was like, yes,
please, let's do that.
He goes, you've got
to make an appointment
and then you need three
weeks where you can't fly.
Well, I don't have three
weeks where I can't fly
so I haven't had it fixed yet.
But now I'm scared to
get it fixed in case
I end up looking like a pig.
And then all my Muslim friends
don't come and see me anymore,
because they're like,
he looks like a pig, we
cannot go see him any longer.
[LAUGHTER]
I do this out of
respect for my friends.
Let's get back to this propofol.
Sandeep, you got to
get this propofol.
You've just got to go back
and tell them, listen,
I think you need to
check again and give
me some goddamn propofol.
Because if they give
me the bullshit stuff
you wake up feeling
kind of groggy.
Propofol, not at all.
I literally woke up like
this, whew, let's do this.
She goes, we're done, sir.
I go, you're done?
[LAUGHTER]
How long was I out for?
Two or three hours?
She goes, 15 minutes, sir.
I said, in 15 minutes I could
have saved a bunch of money
by switching to Geico.
She said, you can
go get dressed.
So I go get dressed and
I come back in the room.
And she goes, all right, Mr.
Peters, we're all done here.
Just so you know,
in about an hour,
you're probably
going to notice you
have a bit of a sore throat.
I said, what the fuck
did you do to me?
She said, sir, it's the
most common side effect.
You know, we shoved a
tube down your throat
which may cause some
irritation or some swelling.
About 98% of the patients
will suffer from that.
So if and when that happens,
just take an ibuprofen
and you'll feel better.
I said, are you sure
that's all you did?
She said, I'm positive.
I said, you didn't touch
my asshole, did you?
She said, what?
I said, what?
And I walked out.
[LAUGHTER]
An hour goes by and
then two hours goes by
and I go into a panic because
I do not have a sore throat.
I'm like, oh my God, I've
got the throat of a gay man.
[LAUGHTER]
Somewhere out there
is a gay guy going,
oh my God, these dicks
are killing my throat.
And here I am with all
those wasted talent.
I could have been
guzzling dick all day.
[GIBBERISH]
I'm the envy of a community.
Is that your wife
with you, Sandeep?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
- Hi, wife.
How are you?
Do you guys have kids?
How many?
- Two.
RUSSELL PETERS: Two.
Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl?
- Boy.
Boy and girl.
One of each.
Are you happy with that?
Absolutely.
[LAUGHTER]
Is that the reason you
went dry on the endoscopy?
Because she was
like, if I'm going
to squeeze children
out of here, you're
going to take a dry endoscopy.
[LAUGHTER]
My advice to anybody if
you're going to have kids,
have a daughter.
Daughters are the best.
They just...
[APPLAUSE]
They really are.
I have my daughter
and I have a son.
He's a month and a half old.
He's brand new, so he's
not very smart yet.
But I don't think he's
going to get much smarter.
He's not... boy, he's dumb.
Boy, this kid's fucking dumb.
Like, you know when they're
that small, like, everything is
a tit that comes to his face.
You know... I go to
kiss him, he's like...
Hey, fuck off, that's my
nose, get out of here.
You ever get a nipple this big,
you need to check the check,
because that's something
weird going on there.
[LAUGHTER]
My girlfriend's Mexican.
And I didn't realize how
Mexican she was until she
went into labor and
they broke her water
and candy fell out of her.
Do you realize my son
is Mexican and Indian?
He's going to be able
to engineer the wall.
[LAUGHTER]
And hop it.
He's going to steal
your laptop and fix it.
It's going to be an
amazing thing to see.
How old are your kids?
22 and 19.
RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19.
Man, you did all
this shit young.
That's crazy.
I mean, that's great.
I did it way too late.
You think about it, I'm 49.
When my son starts
walking, we're going
to be walking the same way.
[LAUGHTER]
I waited too long.
Do you remember your
first pregnancy?
You remember it clearly?
Do you remember how
many months it took
you before you started to show?
Probably about
four to six, maybe?
Yeah, it's usually
about that, right?
Four to six months on your
first pregnancy, the woman
starts to show.
My girlfriend, she started
the show after one month.
It was like, [DOOM].
I'm like, what the
fuck is going on?
How many?
How many?
How many motherfuckers
are in there right now?
I took her straight
to the doctor.
I need to know many
heartbeats you hear, doctor.
How many heartbeats do you hear?
There was just one,
but I got so scared.
Because twins at
this age, fuck that.
Anybody here have
twins or is a twin?
You have them or you are?
AUDIENCE: Boys.
I have boys.
RUSSELL PETERS:
You have twin boys?
And apparent...
- But they are younger.
RUSSELL PETERS: I'm sorry?
And apparently your sunglasses
didn't come with instructions.
[LAUGHTER]
This side of my
head is very cool.
That's only because you pulled
your pag lower, that's all.
You have twin boys?
- Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: Identical?
- Yes.
Oh, see, that's twins.
What did you name?
Did you give them fun names?
Gouldet and Harlet.
Gouldet and Harlet?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
It sounds like you're stealing
something and putting it away.
Gouldet and Harlet, please.
[LAUGHTER]
Identical twins.
That's the only people that I
think should be called twins.
Can you tell them apart?
Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: Do
they were pags too?
No.
One has dimples.
One has dimples?
And the other one has...
Doesn't have.
RUSSELL PETERS: Oh.
Yeah, I figured.
One has dimples, the
other one, doesn't have.
Identical twins,
those are the only...
I hate when people tell
me, yeah, I got twins.
What do you got?
I got a boy and a girl.
That's not fucking twins ever.
What you got are two kids
with the same birthday.
Women call their
breasts the twins.
Have you ever had a
woman go, so would
you like to see the twins?
If she opened her shirt and
an elbow on an ankle fell out,
you'd be like, uh...
[LAUGHTER]
There's something
wrong with your twins.
Identical twins are the only
people that should be twins.
And I started getting scared
when I thought my girlfriend
was going to have twins.
But I started
settling into the idea
because I started thinking
of names for identical twins.
I was like, if I
have twin girls...
Because you've got to
have fun with the names.
If I have twin girls, these
are going to be my daughters,
it's going to be
Kate and Duplicate.
These are my boys,
it's Pete and Repeat.
If I had twins
with a black girl,
this is Tyrone and Tyclone.
Identical twins, that's like
bragging rights for you,
you know I mean.
That's your way of going, look.
Look at how good my balls are.
Look, look.
Or because you're Punjabi, look
at how good my junk they are.
Looks at this.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
Look at how good my balls are.
My balls are so strong,
they made one kid
and then it made the
exact same kid right away.
You lift up your balls,
sponsored by Xerox.
Sponsored by Xerox.
I call the left one copy
and the right one paste.
For the people that are in
relationships and your girl
wants kids and you don't
want kids, I got some...
I got a really great
way out of this.
Men, you need to learn
how to fake orgasms.
Trust me.
Sperm face, do you have...
[LAUGHTER]
I'll just call you Gisbonda.
You have kids?
- Yes.
RUSSELL PETERS: How many?
- Two.
Two.
And with that lady there?
Yes.
And how old are they?
So my son is going to
be 7 and my daughter is 5.
RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK.
And you like them?
I love them.
You like them so much
you dress up as them.
[LAUGHTER]
It would have been amazing if
she was dressed like an egg
and you were like...
[LAUGHTER]
Men need to learn how
to fake orgasms, that's
their way around having kids.
Let me explain to you.
First of all, women don't need
to know how to fake orgasms
because they do it all the time.
And women don't fake orgasms
because they can't have them.
Women fake orgasms because
men are fucking idiots.
Because here's the
problem with men,
we either don't pay enough
attention to a woman
or we fixate on one spot.
We're like, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
And she's like ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow.
But we don't hear the ow part.
All we see is...
That must be the spot.
Don't leave that spot.
Er, er, er, ow,
ow, er, er, ow, ow,
er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow.
And the only way to get you
to stop if she goes, ah!
And then you are going,
yeah, I did that.
And she's like, no, you idiot.
I was going numb.
You need to learn how
to fake an orgasm.
Preag, let me show you how.
When it comes to faking
an orgasm with a woman,
it's very technical.
I have made up a
list of suggestions.
I recommend if you're going to
fake an orgasm with a woman,
you should be behind her...
Having sex, not
just standing there.
That'd fucking
weird if you just...
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
What the fuck was that?
So you should be behind
her having sex with her...
With her... at same time, yeah.
I recommend you're
behind the woman,
because when you're behind
a woman it's easier to fake.
It's harder for them
to check your work.
Because when you're
behind a woman,
very rarely does a woman turn
around and go, was that good?
Never.
Because you know why?
It's not an attractive angle.
Women don't want
to look like, what?
So when you're behind it's
like a horse in a race.
Just [TROTTING NOISES].
You never see a horse
going [TROTTING NOISES]
So you should be behind her.
And let me ask you something.
You guys are fucking obviously.
What's your name?
Sorry?
- Sohill.
RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill.
And your name, sweetheart?
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera?
What?
AUDIENCE: Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Sha... shamuch?
Pisha?
Shabina.
Subpoena?
Wait, like as in you've got
to go to court tomorrow?
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Savita.
Shabina.
RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina.
That was like 10
different versions
of the same name I just heard.
Shabina, OK.
I'm going I'm going to
prove to every woman in here
that all men, including
myself, every man in here
has ADD, every single one of us.
OK, Shabina, you ever doing it
with Sohill and he's behind you
and you can feel him slow down
and then speed up and then
slow down and speed up.
And you're thinking, oh,
my little SoSo's got...
[LAUGHTER]
My little SoSo has moves.
Let me tell you something,
that's not what it is.
Let me tell you what happened.
It's ADD, that's exactly
what the fuck happened.
Here's what happens
ladies, we get behind you,
we're good for the
first two strokes.
And then after that, ADD.
We're like this,
yeah, all right.
[LAUGHTER]
I got to change that
light bulb when I'm done.
Oh shit, let me get back to it.
That's what happens.
OK, Preag, pay attention,
bastard, hello.
[LAUGHTER]
So when it comes to
faking the orgasm,
you don't have to do
anything crazy, all right?
You're just doing your
normal sex that you guys do.
And don't act like you do
all kinds of fancy shit
in the bedroom, OK people?
We all know once you're in
a relationship for a while,
there's the three
basic positions.
There's the us,
the her, the you.
That's all there is,
it's three moves.
One to get it started,
this one's for us.
OK, now it's your
turn sweetheart.
And then my turn,
that's what happens.
And here's some good reasons
as to why you should fake
an orgasm, because
you're not ready to deal
with a pregnant woman.
It's a very different...
Are you pregnant, sweetheart?
I could tell, because
you've got a thin face
and then you're
holding your stomach
and fat people never do that.
So when are you due?
Four weeks.
RUSSELL PETERS: In
four, oh wow, you're
right... like, right there.
And is this your first child?
And is she extra
horny right now?
It's true, it happens.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a fact.
It's true, they get really
horny towards the end
of the pregnancy.
And it's very
uncomfortable for us.
Because my girl when
she was pregnant,
she was like, towards
the end, she was like,
why don't you want
to have sex with me?
And I go, it's...
Oh my God, you think I'm fat.
I go, I don't think you're
fat, I know you're pregnant.
Then why would you
have sex with me?
I'm like, I physically
don't have enough equipment
anymore to get in there.
Because she got real big
when she was pregnant.
I was like, I can't.
She was like, I'll get on top.
And I go, no, because
she gets on top
then her stomach
pushes me further away.
And I'm like, huh, huh.
And nothing because
I can't reach.
It just my balls
hitting her in the back.
[SMACKING SOUNDS]
Nothing happening.
It's like that scene
in "Back to the Future"
where Doc's trying
to connect the wire.
Come on, Marty.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so you're doing your
three positions, right?
It's a regular
lovemaking day, you know.
You do us, her, and
now it's on to you.
So you're behind her,
doing your thing.
You don't have to
do anything extra,
you just do it like normal.
You want to set off any alarms.
And when it comes time
where you feel like now
is when I want to
fake my orgasm,
this is where the work comes in.
You have to sell it.
You have to make a really
believable noise, first of all.
All right, and it has to
be a noise that you're
not going to accidentally
do in the middle of the day,
all right.
And it's going to
be a big noise,
you don't want to be like, oh.
No, that's... That's
not it, all right.
It's got to be big and...
But like something... like what I
do is when it comes time for me
to fake an orgasm, what I
do is I just grab her ass
out of nowhere really hard.
I go [SLAP SOUND],
and then I go, ah!
Because I'm never going to
make that noise ever in my day.
Not unless I'm
doing an impression
of a reporter from the 1930s.
Russell Peters, LA Times,
can I get a quote, ah!
So you've got to go,
[SLAP SOUND], ah!
And that's only the beginning.
Now you have to sell the orgasm.
That's where the work comes in.
So it's [SLAP SOUND], ah!
[BLUBBERING]
[LAUGHTER]
You literally have to
act when her vagina
is electrocuting you.
And then when you're
done, you just collapse.
You die, you die, you fall over.
And then she'll be like, wow,
that was a good one, huh?
You're like, yeah, that
was a good one, yeah.
Pay attention though,
a couple of seconds
later, she's going to go, hey,
you're not leaking out of me.
You go, no, no, that's because
I shot that one way up there.
I launched that one.
It's in there deep.
Whatever you do, don't burp,
because it's going to come out.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, Indian parents,
like the NRI Indians,
they're very different
than you guys.
You may not believe me,
but you guys are far more
forward thinking than they are.
Here's the problem with the
Indians that left India,
they left India in
whatever year they left,
and that's what year
India is stuck in.
[LAUGHTER]
If they left in 1970...
If they left in 1970, India
is still 1970 to them.
They can't imagine all
this shit is happening.
No, no, Russell, that would
never happen in India.
Yeah, come.
Come, motherfucker.
You should see.
You're going to see.
They do, they try.
They hang on to
shit that doesn't
even exist in India anymore.
They try to be overly Indian.
And their whole
reason for leaving
was bullshit, because
they'll do this, no, I
want to leave and give my
children a better life,
give them opportunities, expose
them to different things,
let them experience a new world.
And then what do they do?
They have the kids born
and raised in America,
and then around 18, they go,
son, we know you're dating,
but maybe you should
consider an Indian girl.
And you're like, but
we're in America now.
I know, but you should
think about an Indian girl.
I go, no, I mean, you
know, If I meet one, yeah.
But it's not going to be my
focus, because there's so
many other women
around here, I might
as well try something else.
I mean, if I'm going to
get with an Indian girl,
what was the fucking point of
leaving in the first place?
At least over there we
got way more choice.
But son... this is the
bullshit they pull on them...
Son, what will
happen to our culture
if we don't stay together?
What will happen to our culture?
Let me tell you what will
happen to our culture,
fucking nothing.
Fucking nothing.
You know why?
Because there's 1.3 billion
motherfuckers right here.
[LAUGHTER]
If every Indian
outside of India never
married another Indian
again, we would still
have 1.3 billion right here.
You don't need us helping you.
Even you guys are
like, stop fucking,
please, we don't need any more.
Here's what Indian parents
need to understand,
is that the Indians
and the Chinese
will forever, always, 100% of
the time, be on this planet,
no matter what.
There's too many of
us to just go missing.
If there was a
nuclear war tomorrow,
you know what would be left?
Rats, roaches,
Indians, and Chinese,
that's all that would be left.
[LAUGHTER]
And since everything's
already made
on this great continent of
Asia, we're going to be fine.
Here's what Indian parents
need to understand,
if an Indian guy has a
kid with a white girl,
they have a beige baby,
that's a win for us.
I have two kids with Latin
women, my kids are khaki.
If an Indian guy has a
kid with a black woman,
that's a brown baby with the
possibility of a larger penis.
That's another
fucking win for us.
[LAUGHTER]
And if an Indian guy and a
Chinese girl have a baby,
that's a super baby,
and that's a win-win,
and you can name
the kid Win-Win.
[LAUGHTER]
You know who I feel
bad for in this world?
I feel bad for white people.
I do.
I feel bad for white people.
I know there's some in
here, but I can't see you.
You're back there, I see
you glowing in the dark.
I do feel bad for white
people because you're
dwindling at an alarming rate.
Like, there's not...
You realize, like,
in about 150 years
there's not going to be
any more purebred white people.
They've just been
infiltrated at all costs.
That's why I feel like
I live in America,
and in America you
see on the news,
you see white people
have these rallies.
And people get
really mad at them.
And I kind of
sympathize with them.
You see them on the news, like,
the white people need to be
together with the white people.
They always add an h in
front of it for some reason.
The white people.
And I'll tell you what.
But they're like white
people need to be
together with white people.
And I'm like, yeah, they do.
And they're like, what?
I'm like, I'm with you.
We don't want you with us.
I know.
I'm not with you, with you.
But I feel your pain.
What in the hell's
wrong with you, boy?
I'm just saying, well,
there's a lot of us
and there's very few of you.
I just want to see the
white people get preserved.
Because if white people
go missing, who the fuck
are we going to blame?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm not ready for that
kind of accountability.
Look at Scratch, his kids
are half Indian, yes.
He likes the brown.
And I don't mean...
[LAUGHTER]
But Indian parents, they're...
I know there's a lot of
Indian parents here too,
but you need to
know, Indian parents,
that you're very good parents,
but you're also really shit
parents at the exact same time.
Here's why they're good.
They're good because
they love you so much.
They're shit because
they love you so much.
Because here's the problem
with Indian parents,
they love their
kids to the point
where they don't let
their kids think at all.
Like, they don't... We don't
want their brain to burn out,
just let us do all
the thinking for you.
We will make all the decisions.
And it all stems
from... we all keep...
We're missing a generation,
you realize that.
There is a generation
missing from somewhere.
Because our parents
lived for their parents,
and our parents are trying
to make us live for them.
And then I guess
we'll pass it down
and make our kids live for us.
And who the fuck is
living themselves anymore?
But that's what they do.
They overpower you with
the, you know, son, just
do what I tell you to do, OK?
Trust me on this.
Don't do that.
Go here.
Don't go there.
Talk to these people.
Don't talk to those people.
And then I'm not the kind
of guy that can ever just
take information like that.
I always question everything.
So I'm like... if you want to
see an Indian parent fall apart,
question them.
Holy shit, they have
no clue what to do.
My dad would be like,
son, I don't want
you going to that club tonight.
I go, why not?
What do you mean why not?
I mean, why not?
I need to know why I
should not go to this club.
Son, because it's a fact.
What?
What do you mean?
What does that even mean?
Son, it means it's a fact.
You haven't given me one fact.
Son, it's a fact.
When something is a
fact, it's a fact.
You cannot change a fact
because a fact is a fact.
I'm like, is that a fact?
I love coming back to
India and I'll tell you why
because I love
coming back to India.
You know, what's funny is people
ask me all the time whenever
I come to India, like, Russell,
why don't you like Bollywood?
Why don't you like Bollywood?
I'll be honest with
you, I'm going to tell
you the truth right now.
Here's the reason I...
Here's the real reason
I don't enjoy Bollywood films,
because I love car chases.
And you can never have a
fucking car chase in Mumbai.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not even a plausible idea.
Quick, get him.
[HORN HONKING]
Uncle.
[KNOCKING]
[LAUGHTER]
Beat it, we're trying
to have car chase.
Uncle.
Car chase went up to at
least two kilometers an hour.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's the thing now and we live
in a really interesting time.
Where Indians used
to just always leave
India to go on
vacation, I'm finding
more and more Indians are
celebrating their country more.
They're going to
different places in India
and having, like, these really
nice trips and vacations.
And that, to me,
is very important.
Because the Indians that
left, when we come here,
we only go to where we're from.
We don't see anything else ever.
When I was a kid and
I would come to India,
just Bombay, Calcutta.
That's all I would see, Bombay,
Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta.
It got to the point
where I didn't
know if there was any more
to India than just Bombay
and Calcutta.
And I remember being here in
Bombay, I was 9 years old.
And I said to my dad, I go,
dad, is there any more to India
than just Bombay and Calcutta?
And my dad said, no.
Are you sure?
Positive.
But there seems like there's
a whole bunch of country
out there.
I'm sure there's more people.
There are more people and
they look just like you.
What do you want to see?
I was like, dad, can
I see the Taj Mahal?
Not from here.
Physically impossible.
It's a different place.
You know, it's one of those...
It's a beautiful place, but
I always try and explain it
to people in North America that
India is the kind of country
where you could cut it in half
and have a north and the south
and probably create
two countries...
Not that I want you to.
But I'm saying, because
they're two completely
different fucking worlds.
You take a guy from
the north of India
and a guy from the south of
India and throw them in a room
together, they have
nothing in common.
They can't speak
the same language,
they don't look the same,
they don't eat the same food.
The only one common denominator
throughout all of India
is this.
That's the only one
thing we can agree on.
You throw them in a
room, where are you from?
I'm from India.
I'm from India, what part?
No, not that part, no.
Growing up I was ripped off
from the Indian culture,
my parents didn't
exposed me to it.
It was unfair.
Because I hung around
black people my whole life.
From the time I was about four
years old all I hung around
was black dudes.
And it wasn't until I was about
18 that I realized, holy shit,
I don't know anything
about Indian people.
Because my name's Russell, my
parents are Eric and Maureen,
my brothers Clayton, my
grandparents are James,
Christopher, Sheila, Eileen.
It's not going to happen.
It wasn't till I
was about 18 that I
started to meet Indian people.
And I was so excited
to meet Indian people,
but I'd never
heard Indian names.
I saw an Indian guy, and
I go, yo, are you Indian?
He goes, yeah.
Me too.
I go, I'm Russell.
He goes, I'm Pancag.
I go, whoa, what
the fuck was that?
I go, why do your
parents not like you?
And then he's like... and this
is when I realized how much I
didn't know about Indian
culture... he goes,
hey, you know that
one Indian song?
I go, no, I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about.
Because my dad was very
much against Indian music.
He didn't like the Indian movies
or the Indian music at all.
It was just his... he just
didn't like the sound of it.
And I get it, you know.
Like, my mom would sneak the
Indian channel on every now
and then and there'd
be, like, an Indian song
playing in the back ground.
My dad would just
yell from the kitchen,
Maureen, shut that shit off.
Sounds like cats in heat.
And then I remember hearing
Indian music for the first time
and I go, holy fuck, it does
sound like cats in heat.
[SCREECHING]
And that's why
there's so many of us
because we listen
to horny cat music.
But when I say I
didn't know anything
about the Indian
culture, I mean fucking
basic things I was lacking.
And I was so mad at my
parents for ripping me off
from that part of
my culture that I
went out of my way to
try and learn everything
about Indian culture.
But there's too much to know.
There's no way you can know
everything about Indian people.
That's probably why we believe
in reincarnation so you can
come back and finish the book.
But basic things, like, basic,
basic things I didn't know.
Like, we came to India about
12, 13 years ago for shows,
here's how much I didn't know.
We got off the plane and the
lady... all I can remember
is my dad teaching me was,
son, always be respectful, OK?
Always be respectful.
I go, all right, be respectful.
We got off the plane in Bombay.
The lady greets us.
She goes, namaste, sir.
I go, thank you.
My brother goes, what
the fuck was that?
I go, I'm being respectful.
He goes, no, you
fucking idiot, you're
supposed to namaste with her.
I go, I don't know
her like that.
I can't just start namasting
bitches all over the place
and catch a me too.
I'm not playing this game.
He goes, no, you fucking idiot.
You gotta bow and say namaste.
I go, oh, right.
Namaste, right.
So then we get to the hotel
and the guy greets us.
He goes, namaste, uncle.
And I go, uncle, who
the fuck is this guy?
We got cousins
working at the hotel?
Let's get an upgrade.
And then after a while,
I got the hang of it
and I became, like,
the namaste king.
You couldn't out
namaste me for nothing.
I was like... I was namasting
the shit out of people.
I was like, namaste,
namaste, namaste.
I was turning spins on it.
Namaste, motherfuckers.
I was like a black girl at
church breaking it down.
Na-mas-te.
[LAUGHTER]
There was a lady in my hotel
lobby, she was about to sneeze.
She went... and I went namaste.
She she went, you
fucked up my sneeze.
But I was on fire with
my namastes everywhere.
And we were on tour and then
my fake northern half of India
is namaste, namaste,
namaste, namaste.
And then we went
to Chennai Madras.
And I'd never been
to the South before.
And we get off the plane.
And as we get off the plane, the
girl puts her hands together.
And I cut her off
and I go namaste.
And she goes, vanakkam.
[LAUGHTER]
What?
What?
What?
What's that?
She goes, vanakkam.
I said, did you
just say vanna come?
[LAUGHTER]
I was like, I like the south.
Of course I want to come.
Doesn't anybody want to come?
Should you want to come
at least once a day?
It's different down there, man.
It's very different.
I try to explain to
people the difference
between North and South.
North, taller, lighter
skin, bigger features, more
body hair, not that bright.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a fact.
You go to the south, shorter,
darker, smaller features,
less body hair, much smarter.
And if you don't believe me that
you're smarter in the South,
I'll prove it to you.
All the computer shit
that happens in the world,
happens in the south of India.
And I was trying to
figure out why are
they so good with computers?
And I figured it out,
it's the languages.
Because in the north
they speak slower.
[SLOW GIBBERISH]
Then you go to the south
and they sound like this...
[FAST GIBBERISH]
And that's why they
can read computer code.
[LAUGHTER]
[FAST GIBBERISH]
Well, there we are in
Madras and the promoter
meets us at the airport and
he's like, hello, Russell.
And I go, hi, I'm Russell.
He goes, this is your driver.
And I go, hey
buddy, I'm Russell.
And he goes, Hello
Russell, I'm Naga Lingam.
I said, what happened?
He said, I am Naga Lingam.
I said, I don't know
what you're saying.
That is my name, sir.
What is your name?
Naga Lingam.
I said, we're going
to need to work
on this because I don't know
that I'll be able to say that.
Please, sir, everyone
just calls me Naga.
I said, oh, I gotta
be honest with you,
I grew up with black
people and I'm a little
uncomfortable with your name.
I got to be honest with you.
He goes, please, sir, everyone,
please, just call me Naga.
I said, all right, all right.
So we start driving, right?
And I see this mall
coming up in the distance.
And I'm like, oh, I
need to get something.
So I'm trying to get
the driver's attention.
I'm like, yo, [CLEARS THROAT]
hello, hello, excuse
me, bastard, bastard G, hello,
hello, hello, yo, hey yo,
my Naga.
Can we stop in that
mall for a second?
He goes, no, no, sir.
We must continue to venue.
I was like, Naga, please.
Just then this guy cuts him
off and he loses his shit.
And I was like, yo, this
Naga's crazy, right?
[LAUGHTER]
Right then my mom calls me.
And she's like, where are you?
I said, I'm in Madras.
She goes, oh, that's great.
Did you know that your
grandfather, James Peters,
was born and raised in Madras
and then he moved to Bombay
and that's where
your father was born.
I said, I did not know that.
But did you know I got a driver
and he's got the best name
I've ever heard in my life.
She goes, what's his name?
I said, Naga.
And she goes, OK.
I said, mom, isn't that funny?
She said, no, why is it funny?
What do you mean,
why is it funny?
Mom, his name is Naga.
You know like, Naga what?
Naga who?
And if you don't know
now you know, Naga.
She goes, son, that's not funny.
Naga just means snake.
It does?
What's his last name?
I said, Lingam.
She goes, oh my
God, that's funny.
I go, why is that funny?
That means penis.
What?
Wait, this guy's
name is snake penis?
It is a very common
name in the south.
What?
There are many snake
peni down here?
You can't just name
your kid snake penis
and send him out in the world.
It's not like he's
living in America
with a name like
Naga Lingam where
nobody knows what it means.
You all know what the
fuck his name means.
You know that this
Naga Lingam had to have
had an arranged marriage.
And it was one of
those hardcore arranged
marriages where he
never met the girl
till the day of the wedding.
Even he got to the wedding,
he was like, which one is she?
OK, got it.
Good, yes.
They have the wedding,
they have the reception,
everybody has a wonderful time.
Naga Lingam and his new
wife go back to the hotel
room for the first time.
Their alone, it's uncomfortable,
he walks in the bedroom.
So I guess you heard.
Would you like to see it?
And she goes, OK.
He pulls out a flute.
[FLUTE MUSIC]
Thank you so much, Bombay.
I love you guys.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]