Rustlers' Rhapsody (1985) Movie Script
This is how evey Rex O'Herlihan
movie ever made always start.
lt was the same evey time.
And they made
52 of them in all
bemeen the years
1938 and 1947.
Sounds like trouble.
On, Wildfire, on!
1947 was the year the lights
sort ofwent out for Rex.
Yeah, he never did
much aner that.
Always made me wonder what one
ofthese B Westerns would look like.
You know, if they still
made them today.
On, Wildfire, on!
ln the first place,
the bad guys probably
wouldn't all be such cowards.
Rex probably wouldn't
be so damn pemect all the time.
Root's beginning to work.
The prairie sun has
Kissed the day gbye
Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.
The wind behind me
Sounds like it may cy
Here we go.
Now l hear the lonesome
Whistle of a quail
As l ride alone
Along the tumbleweed trail
The road ahead is as endless
As the one l le behind
But there are no ties
To hold me down
Because l was born
The drining kind
With just a faithful horse
for company
And a saddle for my home
l ride alone
l ride alone
- Morning, ma'am.
- Morning.
Glass of warm milk, please.
Make it a sarsaparilla.
ls this one of those
really tough bars?
Well, let me have a large glass of warm
gin served with a human hair in it.
Coming up.
This here stoy
is about the time
the most wondeul and interesting
thing happened to Rex.
He met me.
Let me guess.
You're new here at Oaood
Estates, aren't you, mister?
You buy me a drink,
l'll tell you what's going on.
Bartender, make that two.
OK, OK.
Here's what's happening.
Most of these people are nobodies.
Forget about them.
That group,
those are the sheepherders.
They're the good guys.
Work hard, don't bother nobody.
But they smell God-amul.
Must be the sheep.
Makes you wanna kill them
sometimes. Oh, yeah.
Now, over here is the sheriff.
Obviously a corrupt coward
who takes his orders from the colonel.
- The colonel?
- Yeah, the colonel.
The power-mad cattle baron
who really runs the town.
Oh, yeah.
Can l have another drink?
l'm the town drunk, you know.
- Sure.
- Warm gin!
Hold the hair.
Who's that, over there?
That's Miss Tracy.
She solicits drinks,
hooks on the side.
But you know, she doesn't actually
go to bed with her customers.
She iust talks dirty to them.
And underneath that eerior
is a heart of gold.
Yeah.
How did you know that?
l know.
Of course, l don't have
to pay for sex myself.
You'll excuse me, won't you?
Hi, wanna know what's going on?
l smell sheep.
Bad guys, work for the colonel.
Now, there wouldn't happen to be any
sheepherders in here, would there?
l'm not wearing a gun.
And l'm not going to do anything
that might in any way cause you...
lt's a tough town.
Sory about the table,
saloon owner.
That's OK, Blackie.
No problem.
Since it's Tuesday,
have a free drink.
- It's on the house.
- Blackie.
You can kill me too,
if you want.
But l think it's exactly
this type of thing
that drives down property values
here in Oaood Estates...
That was the town doctor.
l'm kidding.
Just some real-estate guy.
Sory about that, sheriff.
Well, you certainly don't
have to apologize to me.
These fellows were
driving you crazy.
l swear, sometimes
l don't know how you put up with it.
Anybody else got
anything to say?
l do.
l think you're out of order, Blackie.
What do you know?
You're just a prostitute!
Who sells her body to anyone
with the financial wherewithal...
All right!
That'll be enough
of that kind of talk.
What in the hell are you?
Just a stranger passing through.
Where in the hell
did you get that shirt?
How a person dresses is nobody's
business but his or her own.
- What?
- You heard me.
You know what
you look like to me?
You look like one of those fellas
who's attracted to other men.
This is iust a warning.
lf you or your men draw on me,
l'll shoot each man in the hand.
ln the hand?
That's right.
Not in the face or the chest?
Nope.
l don't like the idea
of getting shot in the hand.
Then go home, Blackie.
- Go home?
- That's right.
Go home?
Yeah, and see someone
about your hearing.
Draw your gun, prairie faiy.
l never draw first.
Well, hell. That's no problem.
Well, don't iust stand there, boys.
Get him.
Now!
Now we've done it.
All right, you two.
Get your friend
and get out of here.
But he's dead.
So what?
Get him out of here.
You ain't heard
the last of this, mister.
l know.
Believe me, l know.
Mister, l never saw shooting
like that in my life.
You're good.
Thanks, partner.
Was that as good for you
as it was for me?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Excuse me there, stranger.
You got a place to stay?
l got a campsite
outside of town.
Why don't you stay
in the hotel?
l never stay in town.
What's your name anyhow?
l'm Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.
- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy!
Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan.
You got to be careful
here in Oaood Estates.
This is a plenty dangerous town.
High-stakes power plays, murder,
robbey, intrigue, the works.
You think that's funny?
This is the West.
People are arbitrarily shot to pieces
Ieft and right. l mean, it is all so violent!
Where was l?
Oh. ''lt's all so violent.''
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, see, this is the West.
- Out in the West...
- l know all about the West.
l travel all over it, from town to town.
That's what l do.
Yeah, but see, in this town...
This town's no different
than any Western town.
They're all identical.
They are?
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
ln evey town there's a bar
like the one we came from.
They might not all have
continuous entertainment,
but they're basically the same.
Sheriffs stereotypical, and so is the
saloon owner with that mustache...
Oh, no, no. Those guys are unique.
l'm sory, but l iust
don't believe you.
OK, you have a vey pretty, but
somehow asexual, new schoolmarm?
Yeah.
ls the blacksmith a friendly guy
who only gets mad
when somebody
burns down his barn?
Yeah.
ls the editor of the paper an idealist
who hocked eveything for his press?
Damn.
See.
Hey, hey, l know one thing that's...
l know one thing
different about Oaood Estates.
- None of these other towns have...
- Railroad coming through.
Holy cow!
All Western towns have
the railroad coming through?
Yep.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
One last thing. Do all these
towns have a town drunk?
l'm not sure.
Oh, come on.
You know.
No, you're the first l ever met.
Oh, well, that's something
at least, isn't it?
Sure is, partner.
You're one of a kind.
You ought to...
You ought to travel more.
Get out, see the world.
You know,
the most amazing thing
is that all these other towns
are as violent as this one.
Yep.
Hard to believe.
Yep. dis, buckaroo.
On, Wildfire, on!
for some reason, the bad guy
was always a colonel
who had a beautiful,
young daughter
and about 1,OOO head ofcattle
which you'd hear but never see.
Let me iust ask you one question.
There's one thing
l'm most curious about.
Why bring the body here?
My God, this is a home.
People live here!
Well, colonel, we didn't
know what to do with him.
Buy him. How about that?
Don't you think that's a good idea?
Oh, yeah. Yes, sir, colonel.
Do you think,
when somebody dies,
they place them permanently
on the family couch?
- No, sir.
- Gee whiz!
Well, l'm sory.
l'm a little upset, that's all.
And the couch is new,
and Blackie was my best man.
Poor Blackie.
Always acting so mean.
Always shooting people.
Well, l saw something
a little deeper than that.
l saw a man who could feel.
Who could touch.
l think we should go.
You say this stranger
shot Blackie in the back?
Yes. He got eveybody in the bar to say
that we done it. Can you believe that?
Then he's a coward and a liar!
You better take care of him.
How do you mean?
Shoot him!
End his life, that's what l mean
when l say take care of somebody.
l want you to cut him open,
reach in with your bare hands...
Hi, Daddy, am l interrupting?
No.
l was iust telling the boys
here how to buy Blackie.
Daddy, can l have Wildfire
for my vey, vey own?
Please, Daddy.
l'll be careful, l promise.
Wildfire is a lot of horse,
little lady.
Oh, Daddy, please!
lf anybody can ride him, l can.
Please, please,
please, please, please.
Well, l guess you're right.
He's yours.
Oh, thank you, Daddy!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Buy Blackie?
Yeah, he's on the couch there, dead.
No!
You and Blackie dated?
Dated?
Oh, Daddy, we did eveything
together. Eveything.
Oh, my God.
l knew the real Blackie.
Oh, Daddy, he could feel.
He could touch.
Oh, my God!
Take care of her, men.
No, not that! Take her
upstairs is what l meant.
Gee whiz!
My dearest mother.
Quiet. Quiet.
Send $1 ,OOO
for supplies
and travel.
Thanking you in advance.
- l am...
- Let's shoot him now.
No. Let's be on the safe side,
wait till he's asleep.
The Singing Cowboy.
He's gone.
He's not gone, you idiot.
He's somewhere out there in the dark.
He got the drop on us.
Howdy, stranger.
Howdy.
We're looking for someone
named...Betty.
There's no Betty here.
No Betty here?
Did you hear that, fellas?
l reckon we came
to the wrong campsite.
l reckon you did.
You fellas are making
a big mistake.
How's that?
The way you positioned
yourselves.
When the shooting starts, you're likely
to miss me and hit each other.
You think you're real smart,
don't you, fella?
When l see something that's
obviously wrong, l usually speak up.
Well, l hope you're good
in arithmetic too
because there's only one
of you and there's...five of us.
- Oh, that doesn't matter.
- How do you mean?
Just to be semi-fair,
l'll only use one gun.
Oh, we've got a real smart aleck
on our hands, haven't we, boys?
All you have to do is draw.
What if we don't wanna draw?
Now, that would be fine with me.
Actually, l'd prefer it.
But we do wanna draw.
Don't we, men?
Anytime, boys.
You're the only one
l can turn to now, Wildfire.
You're like me.
You're wild and free
and headstrong,
but you love me.
That's why l'm the only, only person
in the whole world who can ride you.
- l'm tired of getting shot in the hand.
- Shut up.
- What are we gonna tell the colonel?
- Tell him we need help to kill this guy.
Who is it?
A bunch of your men.
Five of them.
l'll be right there, men.
Did you kill him?
No, not exactly.
Not exactly?
Well, we tried to kill him, colonel,
but he shot us in the hands.
- In the hands?
- Yeah, it hurts too.
l think we ought to talk to the railroad
men about helping us kill this guy.
l don't like going
to the railroad for help.
This guy's faster
on the draw than Blackie was.
Yeah, colonel,
and he never misses.
J
Well
maybe we should
go to the railroad people.
Why don't you all come in,
make yourselves comfortable.
- We'll gab about it.
- Well, we can't, colonel.
We have to, you know, go to town,
see the doctor about our hands.
- And it's a weeknight.
- Yeah.
Oh, all right, good night!
Oh, by the way,
have any of you seen my daughter?
- No.
- No. No, sir, colonel.
She's probably
out riding Wildfire.
There's one little lady
who can take care of herself.
Help! Help!
Help!
ln the '60s, they started making
these spaghetti Westerns.
l was always jealous
of these guys
because they had better
background music than we did.
They all got to wear
those great raincoats,
even when it was 110
in the shade.
Trouble was, you could hardly
understand anything they said.
Colonel, don't you think
you and me ought
to work together?
l mean, l know
our men dress differently,
but look what we have
in common.
We're both rich.
We're both power-mad.
And we're both colonels. Now,
that's got to count for something.
Tell me...
Tell me about this stranger
who shoots men in the hand.
Could his presence here
result in an all-out range war?
Well, maybe not a range war exactly,
but certainly a lot of killing.
You have my word on that,
a lot of it!
All right.
Count us in.
Oh, good, good, good.
Now, the first thing
we have to do
is keep the element
of surprise.
This fancy-shooting fella
has got to be kept
completely in the dark
about what we're doing.
Hey, look!
What the...?
Somebody pull
the emergency brake!
- Quick!
- No! Don't!
Get the horses!
We can't.
We left them at the station.
Oh, you idiots!
What were we supposed
to do, buy them tickets?
Have you got three rifles
with telescopic sights?
Yes.
You missed!
How could you miss?
Even with these sights, we got
a target 100 yards away or more.
We've never fired
these weapons before!
There's a definite wind factor,
and we've got a problem with the sun!
Just shoot, OK?
Well, hell, we're gonna
be here all day.
This isn't going
to be easy, is it?
On, Wildfire, on!
Have you got a light?
Yeah, l got a light.
Your butt and my face.
Now, wait a minute.
l got a match.
Yeah, and it's...
It's not your butt.
lt's... It's my butt!
Yeah, my butt and...
My butt and...
Hi, stranger,
wanna know what's going on?
l'm the town doctor, you fool.
- Oh, yeah. Hi, doc. How's it going?
- Bartender, shot of bourbon.
l didn't recognize you.
You look like you seen a ghost.
l've seen worse than that.
- Where's the hair?
- It's in there.
Last night, five men came to me,
all complaining of hand injuries.
Almost identical.
Not more than 20 minutes ago,
three more men came in
with the same wound.
- Is that a coincidence?
- What do you think it is?
l can't be sure.
l don't want to start a panic,
but l think...
l think it's some kind of bacteria
that splits the skin.
Fortunately, so far,
it's just confined to males,
but who can tell?
l'm not prepared to fight
this kind of thing.
l don't have the tools
or the know-how.
l don't have the drugs!
- Will you excuse me, doc?
- Sure.
Just talk?
- That's it?
- That's it.
- For $600?
- Yeah.
These are the 1880s,
$600 is a fortune.
Los Angeles real estate is going
for 50 cents an acre. An acre!
- l can get a steak for a dime.
- That's wondeul.
- Hi, Miss Tracy.
- Hi.
Would you excuse me?
OK.
- You wanted to see me, Miss Tracy?
- Yes.
You know that stranger
in here yesterday?
The one whose trousers
virtually suck to his legs.
Yes, ma'am.
Where's he hanging out?
You know what l mean, hanging out?
Yeah, yeah, he has a campsite
just outside of town.
What's his name?
You know, his handle.
Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.
- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy.
Well, l want him.
l want to...
Tell the mule what happened.
Go on, tell him.
lt was something.
Really something.
Those guys even had
scope rifles too.
Yeah, it was incredible.
l knew the whole plan,
but who cares about that?
The thing of it was... The thing
was jumping on top of Wildfire
and those guys hitting the brakes.
Help.
On, Wildfire, on!
Help!
Whoa, whoa.
Where am l?
ln a small village,
just north of Oslo, Nomay.
Really?
No.
Actually, you're a few miles
outside of Oaood Estates.
Oh, you were teasing me,
weren't you?
Yep.
Oh, l like that.
Evey time Rex got close to having
some sort of relationship with a girl,
Evey time Rex got close to having
some sort of relationship with a girl,
you could bet something else
would happen.
- Thanks for washing my dress.
- Oh, my pleasure.
l never have problems
with ground-in dirt stains.
Blood and chocolate
are the tough ones.
Do you live around here?
Oh, you work around here, then.
You're on vacation.
No, not really.
- l wanna thank you...
- You know...
- You go.
- No, you.
- No, you.
- Well, what l was gonna say was
it certainly is some horse of yours.
Yes! Oh, he's been dragging me
around since last night.
He's an Arabian.
They have great stamina.
Yeah, l know.
His name is Wildfire.
- What?
- His name is Wildfire.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, l don't think so.
My horse's name is Wildfire!
- No!
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- That's an incredible coincidence.
Don't you iust love
the name Wildfire?
Yeah, it's the greatest, the best.
Have you got more of that plant?
Oh, yeah, sure,
there's some in the...
What?
What is it?
Oh, don't wory about it.
You're just getting paranoid.
Someone's coming.
- l don't hear anything.
- Trust me, someone's coming.
Hide in those trees down there
just for a little while.
- Why?
- Well, how does it look?
Here you are, a nice girl without
any clothes on, and l'm a good guy.
l'd appreciate it.
All right.
- In the trees?
- Yeah. Just for a couple of minutes.
- What's your name, by the way?
- Rex.
Oh, my gosh.
- What?
- My dog's name is Rex.
Hello, Rex.
Hi.
Remember me?
Yeah, you're Miss Tracy, the town...
Hostess.
Yeah. Right.
Howdy, ma'am.
Howdy.
Most men l know
only have one gun.
Huh?
Oh, sory about that.
l'm kind of busy here.
l have to feed the fire
and keep the horses maintained.
Come on, Rex, can't you
even offer a girl a drink?
OK. One quick drink.
Why not?
l have a bottle of shery
that my mother sent me.
Hasn't been opened since Christmas.
l don't usually drink myself,
you understand.
OK, one little shery...
Well?
Oh, Miss Tracy,
you got the wrong guy, really.
l'm ready, Rex.
Ready for what?
A nice, long conversation.
Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.
l can't talk like that.
So sing it.
l'd love to, but l...
What is it?
Someone's coming.
- Someone's coming?
- Yeah, out there.
- You'd better hide behind that boulder.
- Why?
Why? You're in your undemear,
and l'm... You know.
- l'm a straight shooter.
- Good.
Oh, please get behind that boulder.
It won't be long.
As a special favor to me.
OK.
But you owe me.
Thank you so much.
l told you to hide.
- l heard a woman's voice.
- What? No, you didn't. That was...
That's iust some old
hoot owl hooting.
Whose cape is this?
Mine. This is iust part of my stuff.
lt's cold out here, don't you think?
- Rex, are you OK?
- l'm fine, fine, just fine.
Go hide in the trees.
l'll call you when it's safe.
OK.
Oh, what a night!
Hi. Remember me?
- Sure, you're the town drunk.
- Yeah.
- How do you like my new outfit?
- It's nice, vey nice.
- So is yours.
- Thank you.
- Mine's a sidekick outfit.
- l know.
And you don't have a sidekick,
am l right?
That's right.
Well...
What about me?
Now, look...
- Peter.
- Look, Peter,
l don't have a sidekick.
l ride alone. That's my style.
You could use a sidekick,
couldn't you?
No, sory, but even my theme song
says l ride alone.
l ride alone
Change it.
- It took me four years to get that right.
- It did?
There's no sidekick opening.
So if you'll excuse me, l have to...
Mr. O'Herlihan, now, look,
l could provide comedy relief.
What's gonna happen to me
in Oaood Estates?
l'm iust the town drunk.
l want more than that.
l wanna see the world.
- l wanna see other towns at least.
- They're all the same.
But you don't know that for sure.
l do, Peter.
l know lots of things. One thing l know
for sure is l can't have a sidekick,
even if l wanted one.
You see,
l know what happens.
l know the future.
What?
Look, please go.
OK.
OK.
OK.
l made a fool out of myself again.
l ought to iust go back to the gutter
where l belong.
- What are you doing?
- Getting out of this outfit.
My drunk suit's here in the bag.
Can l have my drink, please?
- Who was that?
- Somebody who wants a drink.
The range is full of them.
l dropped the blanket in the dark.
That's OK. l'll find it tomorrow.
You gave her a blanket?
l had to nearly rape you
for a lousy shery.
He rides alone? You're the most
un-alone guy l ever met.
Look, l can explain all of this.
Oh, no.
- Now what?
- The sheepherders.
The sheepherders!
Oh, Rex, they can't see me here.
l'm the cattle baron's daughter.
You are?
Mr. Rex.
Over here!
Over here!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
We're informal tonight.
l wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.
- You knew we were coming?
- He knows the future.
Why don't you come on in.
Just grab a seat anmhere.
- Thank you.
- Anmhere you like.
Fine, fine. Good, good.
- Mr. Rex, we need your help.
- l know.
You do?
Yesterday, in the bar,
they shot my son.
l'm sory, l didn't know
he was your son.
Oh, please, Mr. Rex,
you must help us!
- You are our only hope!
- l understand.
- Without you, we are doomed!
- l know.
- Doomed, l tell you! Doomed!
- OK, he gets it. OK?
- What the hell's wrong with you?
- Oh, sir.
- Me?
- Yes. Don't wory. l'm gonna help you.
Someone like me always helped you,
is helping you and always will help you.
- What?
- Excuse me, what is this?
lt's iust a root.
From now on,
l'm the town root junkie.
- Sir.
- What?
The cattlemen have ioined forces
with the railroad guys.
lf you scream one more time,
l'll tear your heart out.
Sir, l cannot defeat the cattlemen
and the railroad guys by myself.
l'll need the help
of sheepherders.
Oh, no, Mr. Rex, we don't fight.
We don't believe in that.
Let the old men who start the wars
fight the wars. That's our motto.
l'll fight them by myself.
It's not a big problem.
No, you won't!
l'll fight them with you.
- You and me together, Rex.
- No.
Oh, give him a break, Rex.
He wants it so much.
- You know what l'm saying?
- Oh, please!
Then let him fight. He wants to fight.
He's a young man.
Come on, do something different.
l'm the only one here
that knows what's gonna happen.
He wants to fight. Let him fight.
He's a young man.
And that's how me and Rex
actually got together.
l'll never forget that next day.
At first, he was tying
tD get rid of me.
Come on.
You wanna be a sidekick,
Iearn the ropes.
OK, Rex.
OK.
Good. Vey good.
Thank you.
Thank you vey much.
OK.
But later, he and l
wrote a song together,
and because l could sing real good,
l started winning him over.
That's great. Great chords.
Let's do it again.
l'll get by
l'll wait until the rivers run dy
lf it takes a million years
Girl, l
Will know a million years
Can't come too soon
Somehow, somewhere
Our eyes will meet
And then and there
The spas will set
A magic night on fire
And l'll lasso you the moon
That's terrific.
Great!
Come on, we're going for a swim.
- l don't know, Rex.
- Oh, there's nothing to it.
- l'm a little nervous.
- It's just water.
l really had no idea what this iob
was all about.
lt's not easy.
l'll tell you, Rex,
if it wasn't for these roots,
l bet l'd be sore all over.
Well, time to hit the sack.
Night, Peter.
Pleasant dreams, Rex.
Hey, Rex.
lt's a silly question, l guess,
but do you really know the future?
- Yes.
- Wanna explain that?
l told you, all those towns
are the same.
J
Well
the same thing keeps happening
in all these towns.
The bad guys, who are usually rich
for some reason,
are always taking advantage of
the good guys, who are usually poor.
l ride into town and ioin forces
with the good guys,
defeat the bad guys,
and then l ride out. Over and over.
lt's my karma, l guess.
Your what?
Ty to get some sleep, Peter.
Tomorrow's the big shootout.
OK.
Shootout?
Look, l painted a circle around
Isabel's eye. What do you think?
l think you're weird.
Rex, about this shootout,
what are your plans?
Oh, l don't know. l guess l'll shoot
the guns out of their hands.
J
Well
how many will there be?
l don't know.
Don't know?
- l thought you knew the future.
- Oh, in general.
ln general?
No specifics?
Maybe l should buy me
a steel helmet.
You wanted the sidekick iob.
l don't see anybody.
This is it.
Holy mackerel.
l made a mistake.
We can't beat this many men.
Now...?
Now you realize that?
l mean, damn, Rex.
- For a guy who knows the future...
- There's too many of them.
Forty percent chicken out. l didn't
think they'd have a good turnout.
What are we gonna do?
- l'm thinking.
- Good.
Good.
Eveyone whose birthday occurs
on an even-numbered day, aim at Rex.
Eveyone with an odd-numbered
birthday, aim at the nerd.
l'll distract them. When l give you
the word, you ride away.
No problem.
Ready, aim...
Let me do it. Let me do it.
l want to do it.
Fine, l don't care.
Ready!
Aim!
He is vey good.
- Wish my horse could do that.
- Me too.
Let's get out of here.
Take off!
Now!
Don't iust stand there.
After them, men!
We can't go after them.
We're up here on this ridge.
Gee whiz!
You told us to get up here.
We need to talk.
This is really embarrassing.
Go, Isabel!
This sort of thing
drove the bad guys crazy.
And they did eveything
they could think of tD get rid of us.
Of course, it never worked.
ln the first place, Rex always knew
what they were gonna do
before they did it.
Good night, boys.
See you tomorrow.
And in the second place, they were
the bad guys, so they couldn't win.
- Jud.
- Yes, sir.
Throw another fagot on the fire.
What?
Another log.
Throw another log on the fire.
- Yes, sir, right away.
- Damn.
- We know one thing.
- What?
Brute force doesn't work.
He always outsmarts us.
That's right.
That means we've got to outsmart him.
The problem is,
we are bad and he's good,
so he always beats us.
That's the problem.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
That's it.
l've got it!
- Got what?
- A truly great idea!
What the colonel had
was a truly great idea.
All we knew, at the time,
was what usually happened.
The bad guys would get a hired gun
and a shootout would follow.
But l could tell
Rex was getting a little edgy.
lt was like he knew something
was going tD happen
that hadn't happened before.
- When is the showdown?
- What?
When is this guy gonna come to town?
Tomorrow. l fight him tomorrow.
Well, what do you wanna do now?
Wanna go swimming or iron shirts?
Swim or shirts?
Go back to camp.
l need some time alone.
- Come on, Rex.
- l need some me time.
''Me time''?
Hey, hey, how about
l have the girls out?
No.
- Don't you like girls, Rex?
- Yes!
Yes, l like them vey much.
l'll see you tonight, Peter.
So long, Rex.
On, Wildfire, on!
Let's take it on home, Miss Tracy.
l ride alone
l was good that time.
We'll finally get this thing right.
Hi, Rex.
Hey, Rex, how's tricks?
You know, tricks.
What's going on here?
Rex.
- l was lonely.
- You were lonely?
You don't know what lonely is, sport.
May l have my guitar, please?
l don't suppose you know
my mother gave me this
and l hold the copyright
on that song.
No, l didn't.
This is my campsite. l live here.
l found the spot.
l'm the one who put the rocks
in a circle to make a fire.
Rex, l am completely out of line,
and it won't ever happen again.
Correct. It won't, Peter.
Relax, Rex, we all iust had a root.
You know, root.
Oh, good, my roots!
Go ahead, eat them all.
Have a big old time.
But you're gonna have to excuse me.
Some of us have a gunfight tomorrow.
Girls,
l think you better get dressed and go.
He's not himself.
Rex.
Go home, Peter.
OK.
OK, l'm fired.
l deserve it.
But l iust want to say one thing.
l hope you shoot Mr. Barber
in both hands.
- Who?
- Barber.
- Bob Barber.
- Bob Barber?
That's what the colonel's daughter
called him.
Not Bad Bob Barber?
Bothersome Bob Barber?
Bob ''The Butcher'' Barber?
No.
No, iust Bob.
Look, l'll see you later.
lt's been fun.
l can see by your ouit
That you are a cowboy
You can see by my oumit
l'm a cowboy tDo
Hello, Rex.
Bob? Bob Barber?
Yep.
Though some folks call me
Wrangler Bob Barber.
Nice outfit.
Thanks. So is yours.
- Just something l threw together.
- Same here.
You don't wear the same outfit
evey day?
No, that's boring.
Ever face another good guy before?
- No.
- Me neither.
Makes you wonder
what will happen.
l guess the good guy will win,
just like always.
Yep. Except we're both good guys.
Then l reckon the most good
good guy will win.
- That's the way l figure too.
- Yep.
You can't beat me, Bob.
You work for the colonels.
That makes me the most good.
l don't see how l can lose.
Yeah. But l don't drink whiskey
with hair in it.
Me neither. l iust buy it.
l don't have the colonel's daughter,
who's practically a minor,
out to my campsite after dark.
That was wrong, l admit...
ln the company of a known prostitute
and a notorious alcoholic.
- Yeah, you see, but they...
- True or false?
- True, but...
- There were drugs present?
- Well, you could say that.
- Yes or no?
- Yes! What are you, a lamer?
- Used to be, yeah.
Look, l know this all sounds bad...
You did all this stuff, and you still
call yourself a good guy?
Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right l do.
- You don't have to curse.
- l'll curse if l want to!
Damn, damn, hell, damn,
tee-tee, do-do.
Hold on, little buckaroos. You can't
be hearing language like that.
Get on back to school, obey your
teachers and study really hard.
Nice going.
l also understand you're 31 , single
and don't even date.
- What?
- The colonel told me.
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing.
Except we both know
in order to be a good guy,
you gotta be
a confident heterosexual.
- A what?
- A confident heterosexual.
Well, of course l know that.
Let's draw. l'll shoot you in both hands.
OK. Since we're both good guys,
neither of us can draw first.
- l'll count down from five.
- Let's go.
Five, four...
- You said, ''A confident heterosexual''?
- Yes.
- l thought it was iust a heterosexual.
- No, it's a confident heterosexual.
- You're sure?
- l'm sure.
l didn't know that.
Don't wory, Rex,
l'm not gonna hurt you.
l'll iust shoot the guns
out of your hands.
- Rather you shoot me in the heart.
- You know l can't do that.
Five.
- Four.
- Confident.
Three.
- Two.
- Wait a minute. Hold it.
l can't fight you today.
l'll fight you tomorrow
or maybe Thursday.
Thursday would be good.
l'll see you then.
And Rex backed down,
first time ever.
Right away,
eveyy got down on him.
Coward!
Pervert!
Libertine!
You know how people are. They're
probably like this in your hometown.
Freethinker!
Homo!
No!
No! Hey, you!
Never mind.
Hey, you!
You can't talk to my friend like that!
Well, what are you gonna do?
Where will you go?
l don't know.
l'm certainly not
the good guy anymore.
l guess the first thing l'll do
is get some new clothes.
Understated stuff, lots of browns.
Then l guess l'll have to sell Wildfire.
What?
l have to. He's too good a horse
for me now.
Hey. Hey, Rex.
Let's get the targets
and go practice.
Practice doesn't have anything
to do with it. It's all psychological.
lf you're confident, you win.
If not, you lose. And l'm not.
About what?
About...
About...
You know what my life is like.
l'm on the road all the time.
So you know, l kiss the girls,
and then l leave.
That's all l do. l iust kiss them.
It never gets any further than that.
This is 1884. You gotta date
and date and date and date,
and sometimes mary them even,
before they'll...
You know.
Wait a minute.
You mean, you've never...?
Never.
My God, Rex.
You are a good guy.
He wouldn't fight.
He's scared.
lt's a combination of guilt
and insecurity.
lt's obvious that he's not at home
with his sexuality.
- What?
- His sexuality.
J
Well
that definitely finishes him
as a good guy.
You can't be a good guy and scared.
Well, l'm not so sure.
l want him taken care of permanently.
- Bob, you've got to go out and get him.
- l can't.
lf he's backed down, l can't go
after him. It wouldn't be nice.
Then we've got to draw him
back to you.
How?
Do something despicable to him.
Something so rotten
he'll have to come back in.
l can't have a hand in any of that.
Of course, of course.
- Cookie?
- Thanks.
Rex must have known
something was up,
because he took special precautions
with my safety.
But he didn't care about himself.
He even threw away his guns.
True to their word, the bad guys
did something despicable.
Something that really made Rex mad
and didn't amuse me much either.
Hey, drunk!
Peter!
On, Wildfire, on!
Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.
Get your rifle and come with me.
Oh, l'm sory, Mr. Rex.
l cannot do that.
Let the old men who start the wars
fight the wars.
Get your rifle and come with me,
or l'll shoot your wife in the shoulder.
He's coming!
He's coming!
He's coming!
- And he's standing in the saddle!
- Standing in the saddle?
lt's not important.
lt means nothing.
He's just showing off.
lt looks like he's brought
some folks with him.
l'm back, Bob.
Morning, Rex.
Nice to see you.
Now!
Just like you said, Rex!
What?! Oh, now,
wait just a minute here.
This really came out of the blue.
We shot that guy yesterday.
- Twice.
- Twice!
- With shotguns.
- l mean, come on!
You think Rex O'Herlihan doesn't know
that his sidekick always gets killed?
Why didn't he hire me right away?
Why do you think
he made me wear this?
Wake up, you iugheads. He's always
two steps ahead of guys like you.
l didn't know about the man on
the roof. l had nothing to do with this.
l don't approve of your actions here.
We're gonna have to talk about it.
l'm tired of talking.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
No reason for anybody to get involved
except Bob and me.
Little late, big guy.
All my men are dead.
Evey single one of them.
- Who will build the railroad now?
- Forget about the railroad.
Forget the railroad?
That's vey simple for you to say.
- We'll talk later.
- No. We'll talk now!
l think you are overbearing.
And l think he is...boring.
And l wish l had never gotten involved
in any of this.
Well, Rex, you wanna call it off?
No.
You started this. l'm gonna finish it.
- Five.
- Still got the same problems.
- Four.
- We could just walk away from it.
- Three.
- Whatever you want.
- Two.
- Violence is no solution.
One.
You're not a good guy at all.
l'm a lamer, you idiot!
Rex. Rex.
You shot him in the head.
How do you feel about that?
l missed his hand.
Rex. Rex!
Rex, are you all right?
Yeah.
Just let me rest here for a while.
Let me close my eyes.
Rex.
Rex, don't die on me.
Please, Rex, please!
l'll be all right, Peter.
Believe me, l know.
Hot diggity!
He's gonna be all right, eveybody.
He knows!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Rex?
l can't help but feel a little responsible
for what's happened here today.
Would a totally sincere ''sory'' do?
Well, it's a start, colonel.
lt's a good start.
Thanks, Rex.
- Boy, is he nice.
- Let me through.
Let me through. l'm a doctor.
That leg has to come off for sure.
Take him to my office.
Take it easy, you cow patties.
Don't hurt him!
- Peter?
- Right here.
- Get me a root, quick.
- On my way.
- Peter.
- Yeah, Rex.
- l need a clean shirt.
- Coming up.
A blue one. The cobalt blue one
with the white suede yokes and cuffs.
Right, Rex.
Not the turquoise one
with the white fringe.
Oh, no, no, no.
Get out of the way!
Hey, eveybody,
big party at my house!
Hey, hey, hey, it's bring your own.
l'm serious, now.
Bring your own!
These things always ended
with a party.
All the main characters
would show up.
Music would be playing.
Guys who were supposed to be dead
would be walking around.
Eveybody had a big old time.
l'm not gone two minutes,
and you throw a party.
Peter, listen.
l'd like you to get the colonels
and the ladies out front.
Sure. How come?
To say goodbye.
It's time l was moving on.
- It's time we were moving on.
- Peter.
Oaood Estates is your home.
You belong here.
- Baloney! l'm going with you, Rex.
- It's too dangerous.
Rex. Rex, l'll be all right.
l'll wear my bulletproof vest all the time.
Even when we go swimming.
Peter, we were lucky this time.
l can't have your death on my hands.
l couldn't deal with it,
so please don't make me. OK?
J
Well
will you write?
Sure, of course l will.
Will you be back?
Hey, l'm on a circuit, aren't l?
Yeah.
OK, l'll meet you out front.
Yeah.
OK.
- So long, colonel.
- So long, Rex.
So long, silly dresser.
l'm gonna miss you.
While we were in
the doctor's office together,
we did more than iust talk.
l'm getting better.
Now, is that peect or what?
Screw it!
l'm going with him!
dis, buckaroos!
- l knew that would happen.
- Oh, Daddy, we all did.
Rex!
movie ever made always start.
lt was the same evey time.
And they made
52 of them in all
bemeen the years
1938 and 1947.
Sounds like trouble.
On, Wildfire, on!
1947 was the year the lights
sort ofwent out for Rex.
Yeah, he never did
much aner that.
Always made me wonder what one
ofthese B Westerns would look like.
You know, if they still
made them today.
On, Wildfire, on!
ln the first place,
the bad guys probably
wouldn't all be such cowards.
Rex probably wouldn't
be so damn pemect all the time.
Root's beginning to work.
The prairie sun has
Kissed the day gbye
Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.
The wind behind me
Sounds like it may cy
Here we go.
Now l hear the lonesome
Whistle of a quail
As l ride alone
Along the tumbleweed trail
The road ahead is as endless
As the one l le behind
But there are no ties
To hold me down
Because l was born
The drining kind
With just a faithful horse
for company
And a saddle for my home
l ride alone
l ride alone
- Morning, ma'am.
- Morning.
Glass of warm milk, please.
Make it a sarsaparilla.
ls this one of those
really tough bars?
Well, let me have a large glass of warm
gin served with a human hair in it.
Coming up.
This here stoy
is about the time
the most wondeul and interesting
thing happened to Rex.
He met me.
Let me guess.
You're new here at Oaood
Estates, aren't you, mister?
You buy me a drink,
l'll tell you what's going on.
Bartender, make that two.
OK, OK.
Here's what's happening.
Most of these people are nobodies.
Forget about them.
That group,
those are the sheepherders.
They're the good guys.
Work hard, don't bother nobody.
But they smell God-amul.
Must be the sheep.
Makes you wanna kill them
sometimes. Oh, yeah.
Now, over here is the sheriff.
Obviously a corrupt coward
who takes his orders from the colonel.
- The colonel?
- Yeah, the colonel.
The power-mad cattle baron
who really runs the town.
Oh, yeah.
Can l have another drink?
l'm the town drunk, you know.
- Sure.
- Warm gin!
Hold the hair.
Who's that, over there?
That's Miss Tracy.
She solicits drinks,
hooks on the side.
But you know, she doesn't actually
go to bed with her customers.
She iust talks dirty to them.
And underneath that eerior
is a heart of gold.
Yeah.
How did you know that?
l know.
Of course, l don't have
to pay for sex myself.
You'll excuse me, won't you?
Hi, wanna know what's going on?
l smell sheep.
Bad guys, work for the colonel.
Now, there wouldn't happen to be any
sheepherders in here, would there?
l'm not wearing a gun.
And l'm not going to do anything
that might in any way cause you...
lt's a tough town.
Sory about the table,
saloon owner.
That's OK, Blackie.
No problem.
Since it's Tuesday,
have a free drink.
- It's on the house.
- Blackie.
You can kill me too,
if you want.
But l think it's exactly
this type of thing
that drives down property values
here in Oaood Estates...
That was the town doctor.
l'm kidding.
Just some real-estate guy.
Sory about that, sheriff.
Well, you certainly don't
have to apologize to me.
These fellows were
driving you crazy.
l swear, sometimes
l don't know how you put up with it.
Anybody else got
anything to say?
l do.
l think you're out of order, Blackie.
What do you know?
You're just a prostitute!
Who sells her body to anyone
with the financial wherewithal...
All right!
That'll be enough
of that kind of talk.
What in the hell are you?
Just a stranger passing through.
Where in the hell
did you get that shirt?
How a person dresses is nobody's
business but his or her own.
- What?
- You heard me.
You know what
you look like to me?
You look like one of those fellas
who's attracted to other men.
This is iust a warning.
lf you or your men draw on me,
l'll shoot each man in the hand.
ln the hand?
That's right.
Not in the face or the chest?
Nope.
l don't like the idea
of getting shot in the hand.
Then go home, Blackie.
- Go home?
- That's right.
Go home?
Yeah, and see someone
about your hearing.
Draw your gun, prairie faiy.
l never draw first.
Well, hell. That's no problem.
Well, don't iust stand there, boys.
Get him.
Now!
Now we've done it.
All right, you two.
Get your friend
and get out of here.
But he's dead.
So what?
Get him out of here.
You ain't heard
the last of this, mister.
l know.
Believe me, l know.
Mister, l never saw shooting
like that in my life.
You're good.
Thanks, partner.
Was that as good for you
as it was for me?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Excuse me there, stranger.
You got a place to stay?
l got a campsite
outside of town.
Why don't you stay
in the hotel?
l never stay in town.
What's your name anyhow?
l'm Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.
- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy!
Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan.
You got to be careful
here in Oaood Estates.
This is a plenty dangerous town.
High-stakes power plays, murder,
robbey, intrigue, the works.
You think that's funny?
This is the West.
People are arbitrarily shot to pieces
Ieft and right. l mean, it is all so violent!
Where was l?
Oh. ''lt's all so violent.''
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, see, this is the West.
- Out in the West...
- l know all about the West.
l travel all over it, from town to town.
That's what l do.
Yeah, but see, in this town...
This town's no different
than any Western town.
They're all identical.
They are?
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
ln evey town there's a bar
like the one we came from.
They might not all have
continuous entertainment,
but they're basically the same.
Sheriffs stereotypical, and so is the
saloon owner with that mustache...
Oh, no, no. Those guys are unique.
l'm sory, but l iust
don't believe you.
OK, you have a vey pretty, but
somehow asexual, new schoolmarm?
Yeah.
ls the blacksmith a friendly guy
who only gets mad
when somebody
burns down his barn?
Yeah.
ls the editor of the paper an idealist
who hocked eveything for his press?
Damn.
See.
Hey, hey, l know one thing that's...
l know one thing
different about Oaood Estates.
- None of these other towns have...
- Railroad coming through.
Holy cow!
All Western towns have
the railroad coming through?
Yep.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
One last thing. Do all these
towns have a town drunk?
l'm not sure.
Oh, come on.
You know.
No, you're the first l ever met.
Oh, well, that's something
at least, isn't it?
Sure is, partner.
You're one of a kind.
You ought to...
You ought to travel more.
Get out, see the world.
You know,
the most amazing thing
is that all these other towns
are as violent as this one.
Yep.
Hard to believe.
Yep. dis, buckaroo.
On, Wildfire, on!
for some reason, the bad guy
was always a colonel
who had a beautiful,
young daughter
and about 1,OOO head ofcattle
which you'd hear but never see.
Let me iust ask you one question.
There's one thing
l'm most curious about.
Why bring the body here?
My God, this is a home.
People live here!
Well, colonel, we didn't
know what to do with him.
Buy him. How about that?
Don't you think that's a good idea?
Oh, yeah. Yes, sir, colonel.
Do you think,
when somebody dies,
they place them permanently
on the family couch?
- No, sir.
- Gee whiz!
Well, l'm sory.
l'm a little upset, that's all.
And the couch is new,
and Blackie was my best man.
Poor Blackie.
Always acting so mean.
Always shooting people.
Well, l saw something
a little deeper than that.
l saw a man who could feel.
Who could touch.
l think we should go.
You say this stranger
shot Blackie in the back?
Yes. He got eveybody in the bar to say
that we done it. Can you believe that?
Then he's a coward and a liar!
You better take care of him.
How do you mean?
Shoot him!
End his life, that's what l mean
when l say take care of somebody.
l want you to cut him open,
reach in with your bare hands...
Hi, Daddy, am l interrupting?
No.
l was iust telling the boys
here how to buy Blackie.
Daddy, can l have Wildfire
for my vey, vey own?
Please, Daddy.
l'll be careful, l promise.
Wildfire is a lot of horse,
little lady.
Oh, Daddy, please!
lf anybody can ride him, l can.
Please, please,
please, please, please.
Well, l guess you're right.
He's yours.
Oh, thank you, Daddy!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Buy Blackie?
Yeah, he's on the couch there, dead.
No!
You and Blackie dated?
Dated?
Oh, Daddy, we did eveything
together. Eveything.
Oh, my God.
l knew the real Blackie.
Oh, Daddy, he could feel.
He could touch.
Oh, my God!
Take care of her, men.
No, not that! Take her
upstairs is what l meant.
Gee whiz!
My dearest mother.
Quiet. Quiet.
Send $1 ,OOO
for supplies
and travel.
Thanking you in advance.
- l am...
- Let's shoot him now.
No. Let's be on the safe side,
wait till he's asleep.
The Singing Cowboy.
He's gone.
He's not gone, you idiot.
He's somewhere out there in the dark.
He got the drop on us.
Howdy, stranger.
Howdy.
We're looking for someone
named...Betty.
There's no Betty here.
No Betty here?
Did you hear that, fellas?
l reckon we came
to the wrong campsite.
l reckon you did.
You fellas are making
a big mistake.
How's that?
The way you positioned
yourselves.
When the shooting starts, you're likely
to miss me and hit each other.
You think you're real smart,
don't you, fella?
When l see something that's
obviously wrong, l usually speak up.
Well, l hope you're good
in arithmetic too
because there's only one
of you and there's...five of us.
- Oh, that doesn't matter.
- How do you mean?
Just to be semi-fair,
l'll only use one gun.
Oh, we've got a real smart aleck
on our hands, haven't we, boys?
All you have to do is draw.
What if we don't wanna draw?
Now, that would be fine with me.
Actually, l'd prefer it.
But we do wanna draw.
Don't we, men?
Anytime, boys.
You're the only one
l can turn to now, Wildfire.
You're like me.
You're wild and free
and headstrong,
but you love me.
That's why l'm the only, only person
in the whole world who can ride you.
- l'm tired of getting shot in the hand.
- Shut up.
- What are we gonna tell the colonel?
- Tell him we need help to kill this guy.
Who is it?
A bunch of your men.
Five of them.
l'll be right there, men.
Did you kill him?
No, not exactly.
Not exactly?
Well, we tried to kill him, colonel,
but he shot us in the hands.
- In the hands?
- Yeah, it hurts too.
l think we ought to talk to the railroad
men about helping us kill this guy.
l don't like going
to the railroad for help.
This guy's faster
on the draw than Blackie was.
Yeah, colonel,
and he never misses.
J
Well
maybe we should
go to the railroad people.
Why don't you all come in,
make yourselves comfortable.
- We'll gab about it.
- Well, we can't, colonel.
We have to, you know, go to town,
see the doctor about our hands.
- And it's a weeknight.
- Yeah.
Oh, all right, good night!
Oh, by the way,
have any of you seen my daughter?
- No.
- No. No, sir, colonel.
She's probably
out riding Wildfire.
There's one little lady
who can take care of herself.
Help! Help!
Help!
ln the '60s, they started making
these spaghetti Westerns.
l was always jealous
of these guys
because they had better
background music than we did.
They all got to wear
those great raincoats,
even when it was 110
in the shade.
Trouble was, you could hardly
understand anything they said.
Colonel, don't you think
you and me ought
to work together?
l mean, l know
our men dress differently,
but look what we have
in common.
We're both rich.
We're both power-mad.
And we're both colonels. Now,
that's got to count for something.
Tell me...
Tell me about this stranger
who shoots men in the hand.
Could his presence here
result in an all-out range war?
Well, maybe not a range war exactly,
but certainly a lot of killing.
You have my word on that,
a lot of it!
All right.
Count us in.
Oh, good, good, good.
Now, the first thing
we have to do
is keep the element
of surprise.
This fancy-shooting fella
has got to be kept
completely in the dark
about what we're doing.
Hey, look!
What the...?
Somebody pull
the emergency brake!
- Quick!
- No! Don't!
Get the horses!
We can't.
We left them at the station.
Oh, you idiots!
What were we supposed
to do, buy them tickets?
Have you got three rifles
with telescopic sights?
Yes.
You missed!
How could you miss?
Even with these sights, we got
a target 100 yards away or more.
We've never fired
these weapons before!
There's a definite wind factor,
and we've got a problem with the sun!
Just shoot, OK?
Well, hell, we're gonna
be here all day.
This isn't going
to be easy, is it?
On, Wildfire, on!
Have you got a light?
Yeah, l got a light.
Your butt and my face.
Now, wait a minute.
l got a match.
Yeah, and it's...
It's not your butt.
lt's... It's my butt!
Yeah, my butt and...
My butt and...
Hi, stranger,
wanna know what's going on?
l'm the town doctor, you fool.
- Oh, yeah. Hi, doc. How's it going?
- Bartender, shot of bourbon.
l didn't recognize you.
You look like you seen a ghost.
l've seen worse than that.
- Where's the hair?
- It's in there.
Last night, five men came to me,
all complaining of hand injuries.
Almost identical.
Not more than 20 minutes ago,
three more men came in
with the same wound.
- Is that a coincidence?
- What do you think it is?
l can't be sure.
l don't want to start a panic,
but l think...
l think it's some kind of bacteria
that splits the skin.
Fortunately, so far,
it's just confined to males,
but who can tell?
l'm not prepared to fight
this kind of thing.
l don't have the tools
or the know-how.
l don't have the drugs!
- Will you excuse me, doc?
- Sure.
Just talk?
- That's it?
- That's it.
- For $600?
- Yeah.
These are the 1880s,
$600 is a fortune.
Los Angeles real estate is going
for 50 cents an acre. An acre!
- l can get a steak for a dime.
- That's wondeul.
- Hi, Miss Tracy.
- Hi.
Would you excuse me?
OK.
- You wanted to see me, Miss Tracy?
- Yes.
You know that stranger
in here yesterday?
The one whose trousers
virtually suck to his legs.
Yes, ma'am.
Where's he hanging out?
You know what l mean, hanging out?
Yeah, yeah, he has a campsite
just outside of town.
What's his name?
You know, his handle.
Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.
- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy.
Well, l want him.
l want to...
Tell the mule what happened.
Go on, tell him.
lt was something.
Really something.
Those guys even had
scope rifles too.
Yeah, it was incredible.
l knew the whole plan,
but who cares about that?
The thing of it was... The thing
was jumping on top of Wildfire
and those guys hitting the brakes.
Help.
On, Wildfire, on!
Help!
Whoa, whoa.
Where am l?
ln a small village,
just north of Oslo, Nomay.
Really?
No.
Actually, you're a few miles
outside of Oaood Estates.
Oh, you were teasing me,
weren't you?
Yep.
Oh, l like that.
Evey time Rex got close to having
some sort of relationship with a girl,
Evey time Rex got close to having
some sort of relationship with a girl,
you could bet something else
would happen.
- Thanks for washing my dress.
- Oh, my pleasure.
l never have problems
with ground-in dirt stains.
Blood and chocolate
are the tough ones.
Do you live around here?
Oh, you work around here, then.
You're on vacation.
No, not really.
- l wanna thank you...
- You know...
- You go.
- No, you.
- No, you.
- Well, what l was gonna say was
it certainly is some horse of yours.
Yes! Oh, he's been dragging me
around since last night.
He's an Arabian.
They have great stamina.
Yeah, l know.
His name is Wildfire.
- What?
- His name is Wildfire.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, l don't think so.
My horse's name is Wildfire!
- No!
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- That's an incredible coincidence.
Don't you iust love
the name Wildfire?
Yeah, it's the greatest, the best.
Have you got more of that plant?
Oh, yeah, sure,
there's some in the...
What?
What is it?
Oh, don't wory about it.
You're just getting paranoid.
Someone's coming.
- l don't hear anything.
- Trust me, someone's coming.
Hide in those trees down there
just for a little while.
- Why?
- Well, how does it look?
Here you are, a nice girl without
any clothes on, and l'm a good guy.
l'd appreciate it.
All right.
- In the trees?
- Yeah. Just for a couple of minutes.
- What's your name, by the way?
- Rex.
Oh, my gosh.
- What?
- My dog's name is Rex.
Hello, Rex.
Hi.
Remember me?
Yeah, you're Miss Tracy, the town...
Hostess.
Yeah. Right.
Howdy, ma'am.
Howdy.
Most men l know
only have one gun.
Huh?
Oh, sory about that.
l'm kind of busy here.
l have to feed the fire
and keep the horses maintained.
Come on, Rex, can't you
even offer a girl a drink?
OK. One quick drink.
Why not?
l have a bottle of shery
that my mother sent me.
Hasn't been opened since Christmas.
l don't usually drink myself,
you understand.
OK, one little shery...
Well?
Oh, Miss Tracy,
you got the wrong guy, really.
l'm ready, Rex.
Ready for what?
A nice, long conversation.
Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.
l can't talk like that.
So sing it.
l'd love to, but l...
What is it?
Someone's coming.
- Someone's coming?
- Yeah, out there.
- You'd better hide behind that boulder.
- Why?
Why? You're in your undemear,
and l'm... You know.
- l'm a straight shooter.
- Good.
Oh, please get behind that boulder.
It won't be long.
As a special favor to me.
OK.
But you owe me.
Thank you so much.
l told you to hide.
- l heard a woman's voice.
- What? No, you didn't. That was...
That's iust some old
hoot owl hooting.
Whose cape is this?
Mine. This is iust part of my stuff.
lt's cold out here, don't you think?
- Rex, are you OK?
- l'm fine, fine, just fine.
Go hide in the trees.
l'll call you when it's safe.
OK.
Oh, what a night!
Hi. Remember me?
- Sure, you're the town drunk.
- Yeah.
- How do you like my new outfit?
- It's nice, vey nice.
- So is yours.
- Thank you.
- Mine's a sidekick outfit.
- l know.
And you don't have a sidekick,
am l right?
That's right.
Well...
What about me?
Now, look...
- Peter.
- Look, Peter,
l don't have a sidekick.
l ride alone. That's my style.
You could use a sidekick,
couldn't you?
No, sory, but even my theme song
says l ride alone.
l ride alone
Change it.
- It took me four years to get that right.
- It did?
There's no sidekick opening.
So if you'll excuse me, l have to...
Mr. O'Herlihan, now, look,
l could provide comedy relief.
What's gonna happen to me
in Oaood Estates?
l'm iust the town drunk.
l want more than that.
l wanna see the world.
- l wanna see other towns at least.
- They're all the same.
But you don't know that for sure.
l do, Peter.
l know lots of things. One thing l know
for sure is l can't have a sidekick,
even if l wanted one.
You see,
l know what happens.
l know the future.
What?
Look, please go.
OK.
OK.
OK.
l made a fool out of myself again.
l ought to iust go back to the gutter
where l belong.
- What are you doing?
- Getting out of this outfit.
My drunk suit's here in the bag.
Can l have my drink, please?
- Who was that?
- Somebody who wants a drink.
The range is full of them.
l dropped the blanket in the dark.
That's OK. l'll find it tomorrow.
You gave her a blanket?
l had to nearly rape you
for a lousy shery.
He rides alone? You're the most
un-alone guy l ever met.
Look, l can explain all of this.
Oh, no.
- Now what?
- The sheepherders.
The sheepherders!
Oh, Rex, they can't see me here.
l'm the cattle baron's daughter.
You are?
Mr. Rex.
Over here!
Over here!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
We're informal tonight.
l wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.
- You knew we were coming?
- He knows the future.
Why don't you come on in.
Just grab a seat anmhere.
- Thank you.
- Anmhere you like.
Fine, fine. Good, good.
- Mr. Rex, we need your help.
- l know.
You do?
Yesterday, in the bar,
they shot my son.
l'm sory, l didn't know
he was your son.
Oh, please, Mr. Rex,
you must help us!
- You are our only hope!
- l understand.
- Without you, we are doomed!
- l know.
- Doomed, l tell you! Doomed!
- OK, he gets it. OK?
- What the hell's wrong with you?
- Oh, sir.
- Me?
- Yes. Don't wory. l'm gonna help you.
Someone like me always helped you,
is helping you and always will help you.
- What?
- Excuse me, what is this?
lt's iust a root.
From now on,
l'm the town root junkie.
- Sir.
- What?
The cattlemen have ioined forces
with the railroad guys.
lf you scream one more time,
l'll tear your heart out.
Sir, l cannot defeat the cattlemen
and the railroad guys by myself.
l'll need the help
of sheepherders.
Oh, no, Mr. Rex, we don't fight.
We don't believe in that.
Let the old men who start the wars
fight the wars. That's our motto.
l'll fight them by myself.
It's not a big problem.
No, you won't!
l'll fight them with you.
- You and me together, Rex.
- No.
Oh, give him a break, Rex.
He wants it so much.
- You know what l'm saying?
- Oh, please!
Then let him fight. He wants to fight.
He's a young man.
Come on, do something different.
l'm the only one here
that knows what's gonna happen.
He wants to fight. Let him fight.
He's a young man.
And that's how me and Rex
actually got together.
l'll never forget that next day.
At first, he was tying
tD get rid of me.
Come on.
You wanna be a sidekick,
Iearn the ropes.
OK, Rex.
OK.
Good. Vey good.
Thank you.
Thank you vey much.
OK.
But later, he and l
wrote a song together,
and because l could sing real good,
l started winning him over.
That's great. Great chords.
Let's do it again.
l'll get by
l'll wait until the rivers run dy
lf it takes a million years
Girl, l
Will know a million years
Can't come too soon
Somehow, somewhere
Our eyes will meet
And then and there
The spas will set
A magic night on fire
And l'll lasso you the moon
That's terrific.
Great!
Come on, we're going for a swim.
- l don't know, Rex.
- Oh, there's nothing to it.
- l'm a little nervous.
- It's just water.
l really had no idea what this iob
was all about.
lt's not easy.
l'll tell you, Rex,
if it wasn't for these roots,
l bet l'd be sore all over.
Well, time to hit the sack.
Night, Peter.
Pleasant dreams, Rex.
Hey, Rex.
lt's a silly question, l guess,
but do you really know the future?
- Yes.
- Wanna explain that?
l told you, all those towns
are the same.
J
Well
the same thing keeps happening
in all these towns.
The bad guys, who are usually rich
for some reason,
are always taking advantage of
the good guys, who are usually poor.
l ride into town and ioin forces
with the good guys,
defeat the bad guys,
and then l ride out. Over and over.
lt's my karma, l guess.
Your what?
Ty to get some sleep, Peter.
Tomorrow's the big shootout.
OK.
Shootout?
Look, l painted a circle around
Isabel's eye. What do you think?
l think you're weird.
Rex, about this shootout,
what are your plans?
Oh, l don't know. l guess l'll shoot
the guns out of their hands.
J
Well
how many will there be?
l don't know.
Don't know?
- l thought you knew the future.
- Oh, in general.
ln general?
No specifics?
Maybe l should buy me
a steel helmet.
You wanted the sidekick iob.
l don't see anybody.
This is it.
Holy mackerel.
l made a mistake.
We can't beat this many men.
Now...?
Now you realize that?
l mean, damn, Rex.
- For a guy who knows the future...
- There's too many of them.
Forty percent chicken out. l didn't
think they'd have a good turnout.
What are we gonna do?
- l'm thinking.
- Good.
Good.
Eveyone whose birthday occurs
on an even-numbered day, aim at Rex.
Eveyone with an odd-numbered
birthday, aim at the nerd.
l'll distract them. When l give you
the word, you ride away.
No problem.
Ready, aim...
Let me do it. Let me do it.
l want to do it.
Fine, l don't care.
Ready!
Aim!
He is vey good.
- Wish my horse could do that.
- Me too.
Let's get out of here.
Take off!
Now!
Don't iust stand there.
After them, men!
We can't go after them.
We're up here on this ridge.
Gee whiz!
You told us to get up here.
We need to talk.
This is really embarrassing.
Go, Isabel!
This sort of thing
drove the bad guys crazy.
And they did eveything
they could think of tD get rid of us.
Of course, it never worked.
ln the first place, Rex always knew
what they were gonna do
before they did it.
Good night, boys.
See you tomorrow.
And in the second place, they were
the bad guys, so they couldn't win.
- Jud.
- Yes, sir.
Throw another fagot on the fire.
What?
Another log.
Throw another log on the fire.
- Yes, sir, right away.
- Damn.
- We know one thing.
- What?
Brute force doesn't work.
He always outsmarts us.
That's right.
That means we've got to outsmart him.
The problem is,
we are bad and he's good,
so he always beats us.
That's the problem.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
That's it.
l've got it!
- Got what?
- A truly great idea!
What the colonel had
was a truly great idea.
All we knew, at the time,
was what usually happened.
The bad guys would get a hired gun
and a shootout would follow.
But l could tell
Rex was getting a little edgy.
lt was like he knew something
was going tD happen
that hadn't happened before.
- When is the showdown?
- What?
When is this guy gonna come to town?
Tomorrow. l fight him tomorrow.
Well, what do you wanna do now?
Wanna go swimming or iron shirts?
Swim or shirts?
Go back to camp.
l need some time alone.
- Come on, Rex.
- l need some me time.
''Me time''?
Hey, hey, how about
l have the girls out?
No.
- Don't you like girls, Rex?
- Yes!
Yes, l like them vey much.
l'll see you tonight, Peter.
So long, Rex.
On, Wildfire, on!
Let's take it on home, Miss Tracy.
l ride alone
l was good that time.
We'll finally get this thing right.
Hi, Rex.
Hey, Rex, how's tricks?
You know, tricks.
What's going on here?
Rex.
- l was lonely.
- You were lonely?
You don't know what lonely is, sport.
May l have my guitar, please?
l don't suppose you know
my mother gave me this
and l hold the copyright
on that song.
No, l didn't.
This is my campsite. l live here.
l found the spot.
l'm the one who put the rocks
in a circle to make a fire.
Rex, l am completely out of line,
and it won't ever happen again.
Correct. It won't, Peter.
Relax, Rex, we all iust had a root.
You know, root.
Oh, good, my roots!
Go ahead, eat them all.
Have a big old time.
But you're gonna have to excuse me.
Some of us have a gunfight tomorrow.
Girls,
l think you better get dressed and go.
He's not himself.
Rex.
Go home, Peter.
OK.
OK, l'm fired.
l deserve it.
But l iust want to say one thing.
l hope you shoot Mr. Barber
in both hands.
- Who?
- Barber.
- Bob Barber.
- Bob Barber?
That's what the colonel's daughter
called him.
Not Bad Bob Barber?
Bothersome Bob Barber?
Bob ''The Butcher'' Barber?
No.
No, iust Bob.
Look, l'll see you later.
lt's been fun.
l can see by your ouit
That you are a cowboy
You can see by my oumit
l'm a cowboy tDo
Hello, Rex.
Bob? Bob Barber?
Yep.
Though some folks call me
Wrangler Bob Barber.
Nice outfit.
Thanks. So is yours.
- Just something l threw together.
- Same here.
You don't wear the same outfit
evey day?
No, that's boring.
Ever face another good guy before?
- No.
- Me neither.
Makes you wonder
what will happen.
l guess the good guy will win,
just like always.
Yep. Except we're both good guys.
Then l reckon the most good
good guy will win.
- That's the way l figure too.
- Yep.
You can't beat me, Bob.
You work for the colonels.
That makes me the most good.
l don't see how l can lose.
Yeah. But l don't drink whiskey
with hair in it.
Me neither. l iust buy it.
l don't have the colonel's daughter,
who's practically a minor,
out to my campsite after dark.
That was wrong, l admit...
ln the company of a known prostitute
and a notorious alcoholic.
- Yeah, you see, but they...
- True or false?
- True, but...
- There were drugs present?
- Well, you could say that.
- Yes or no?
- Yes! What are you, a lamer?
- Used to be, yeah.
Look, l know this all sounds bad...
You did all this stuff, and you still
call yourself a good guy?
Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right l do.
- You don't have to curse.
- l'll curse if l want to!
Damn, damn, hell, damn,
tee-tee, do-do.
Hold on, little buckaroos. You can't
be hearing language like that.
Get on back to school, obey your
teachers and study really hard.
Nice going.
l also understand you're 31 , single
and don't even date.
- What?
- The colonel told me.
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing.
Except we both know
in order to be a good guy,
you gotta be
a confident heterosexual.
- A what?
- A confident heterosexual.
Well, of course l know that.
Let's draw. l'll shoot you in both hands.
OK. Since we're both good guys,
neither of us can draw first.
- l'll count down from five.
- Let's go.
Five, four...
- You said, ''A confident heterosexual''?
- Yes.
- l thought it was iust a heterosexual.
- No, it's a confident heterosexual.
- You're sure?
- l'm sure.
l didn't know that.
Don't wory, Rex,
l'm not gonna hurt you.
l'll iust shoot the guns
out of your hands.
- Rather you shoot me in the heart.
- You know l can't do that.
Five.
- Four.
- Confident.
Three.
- Two.
- Wait a minute. Hold it.
l can't fight you today.
l'll fight you tomorrow
or maybe Thursday.
Thursday would be good.
l'll see you then.
And Rex backed down,
first time ever.
Right away,
eveyy got down on him.
Coward!
Pervert!
Libertine!
You know how people are. They're
probably like this in your hometown.
Freethinker!
Homo!
No!
No! Hey, you!
Never mind.
Hey, you!
You can't talk to my friend like that!
Well, what are you gonna do?
Where will you go?
l don't know.
l'm certainly not
the good guy anymore.
l guess the first thing l'll do
is get some new clothes.
Understated stuff, lots of browns.
Then l guess l'll have to sell Wildfire.
What?
l have to. He's too good a horse
for me now.
Hey. Hey, Rex.
Let's get the targets
and go practice.
Practice doesn't have anything
to do with it. It's all psychological.
lf you're confident, you win.
If not, you lose. And l'm not.
About what?
About...
About...
You know what my life is like.
l'm on the road all the time.
So you know, l kiss the girls,
and then l leave.
That's all l do. l iust kiss them.
It never gets any further than that.
This is 1884. You gotta date
and date and date and date,
and sometimes mary them even,
before they'll...
You know.
Wait a minute.
You mean, you've never...?
Never.
My God, Rex.
You are a good guy.
He wouldn't fight.
He's scared.
lt's a combination of guilt
and insecurity.
lt's obvious that he's not at home
with his sexuality.
- What?
- His sexuality.
J
Well
that definitely finishes him
as a good guy.
You can't be a good guy and scared.
Well, l'm not so sure.
l want him taken care of permanently.
- Bob, you've got to go out and get him.
- l can't.
lf he's backed down, l can't go
after him. It wouldn't be nice.
Then we've got to draw him
back to you.
How?
Do something despicable to him.
Something so rotten
he'll have to come back in.
l can't have a hand in any of that.
Of course, of course.
- Cookie?
- Thanks.
Rex must have known
something was up,
because he took special precautions
with my safety.
But he didn't care about himself.
He even threw away his guns.
True to their word, the bad guys
did something despicable.
Something that really made Rex mad
and didn't amuse me much either.
Hey, drunk!
Peter!
On, Wildfire, on!
Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.
Get your rifle and come with me.
Oh, l'm sory, Mr. Rex.
l cannot do that.
Let the old men who start the wars
fight the wars.
Get your rifle and come with me,
or l'll shoot your wife in the shoulder.
He's coming!
He's coming!
He's coming!
- And he's standing in the saddle!
- Standing in the saddle?
lt's not important.
lt means nothing.
He's just showing off.
lt looks like he's brought
some folks with him.
l'm back, Bob.
Morning, Rex.
Nice to see you.
Now!
Just like you said, Rex!
What?! Oh, now,
wait just a minute here.
This really came out of the blue.
We shot that guy yesterday.
- Twice.
- Twice!
- With shotguns.
- l mean, come on!
You think Rex O'Herlihan doesn't know
that his sidekick always gets killed?
Why didn't he hire me right away?
Why do you think
he made me wear this?
Wake up, you iugheads. He's always
two steps ahead of guys like you.
l didn't know about the man on
the roof. l had nothing to do with this.
l don't approve of your actions here.
We're gonna have to talk about it.
l'm tired of talking.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
No reason for anybody to get involved
except Bob and me.
Little late, big guy.
All my men are dead.
Evey single one of them.
- Who will build the railroad now?
- Forget about the railroad.
Forget the railroad?
That's vey simple for you to say.
- We'll talk later.
- No. We'll talk now!
l think you are overbearing.
And l think he is...boring.
And l wish l had never gotten involved
in any of this.
Well, Rex, you wanna call it off?
No.
You started this. l'm gonna finish it.
- Five.
- Still got the same problems.
- Four.
- We could just walk away from it.
- Three.
- Whatever you want.
- Two.
- Violence is no solution.
One.
You're not a good guy at all.
l'm a lamer, you idiot!
Rex. Rex.
You shot him in the head.
How do you feel about that?
l missed his hand.
Rex. Rex!
Rex, are you all right?
Yeah.
Just let me rest here for a while.
Let me close my eyes.
Rex.
Rex, don't die on me.
Please, Rex, please!
l'll be all right, Peter.
Believe me, l know.
Hot diggity!
He's gonna be all right, eveybody.
He knows!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Rex?
l can't help but feel a little responsible
for what's happened here today.
Would a totally sincere ''sory'' do?
Well, it's a start, colonel.
lt's a good start.
Thanks, Rex.
- Boy, is he nice.
- Let me through.
Let me through. l'm a doctor.
That leg has to come off for sure.
Take him to my office.
Take it easy, you cow patties.
Don't hurt him!
- Peter?
- Right here.
- Get me a root, quick.
- On my way.
- Peter.
- Yeah, Rex.
- l need a clean shirt.
- Coming up.
A blue one. The cobalt blue one
with the white suede yokes and cuffs.
Right, Rex.
Not the turquoise one
with the white fringe.
Oh, no, no, no.
Get out of the way!
Hey, eveybody,
big party at my house!
Hey, hey, hey, it's bring your own.
l'm serious, now.
Bring your own!
These things always ended
with a party.
All the main characters
would show up.
Music would be playing.
Guys who were supposed to be dead
would be walking around.
Eveybody had a big old time.
l'm not gone two minutes,
and you throw a party.
Peter, listen.
l'd like you to get the colonels
and the ladies out front.
Sure. How come?
To say goodbye.
It's time l was moving on.
- It's time we were moving on.
- Peter.
Oaood Estates is your home.
You belong here.
- Baloney! l'm going with you, Rex.
- It's too dangerous.
Rex. Rex, l'll be all right.
l'll wear my bulletproof vest all the time.
Even when we go swimming.
Peter, we were lucky this time.
l can't have your death on my hands.
l couldn't deal with it,
so please don't make me. OK?
J
Well
will you write?
Sure, of course l will.
Will you be back?
Hey, l'm on a circuit, aren't l?
Yeah.
OK, l'll meet you out front.
Yeah.
OK.
- So long, colonel.
- So long, Rex.
So long, silly dresser.
l'm gonna miss you.
While we were in
the doctor's office together,
we did more than iust talk.
l'm getting better.
Now, is that peect or what?
Screw it!
l'm going with him!
dis, buckaroos!
- l knew that would happen.
- Oh, Daddy, we all did.
Rex!