Ryan Hamilton: Happy Face (2017) Movie Script
[applause and cheers]
[emcee] Please welcome Ryan Hamilton.
[louder applause and cheers]
Thank you. Wow!
Thank you very much,
thank you very much!
Thank you, thank you!
This is so nice. Thank you very much.
Where do you want to begin?
Should we start with my face?
Should we? I always look like this.
I look really happy all the time
and I don't feel like this.
I really don't. I feel...
I feel OK and I look crazy happy.
And I don't even buy it.
I wake up in the morning,
look in the mirror and I go,
"Well, that is inaccurate."
Uh... I don't know...
I don't know what you want me to do?
I just walk around, people go,
"Look at that chipper fella."
And I go, "I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine."
I think I could sell ice cream
in the 50's, maybe.
I think that's the kind of look
that I have.
-[laughter, applause]
-[chuckles]
Yeah. No, I think I can really
move some ice cream, you know.
I can't go places like this.
I can't just show up at a funeral.
You know, uh...
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
It's very inappropriate,
very inappropriate.
I can't ask a girl out, you know.
"What're you doing tomorrow?"
I don't want to drop a bomb on you
right away like this but I'm single.
-Now, uh...
-[cat call from audience]
Yeah, well, I'm trying not to be single,
which sounds desperate, doesn't it?
I mean, you shouldn't say that out loud.
It's true, but there's no woman
in earshot of that statement going,
"That's the one."
Dibs on that smiley,
desperate fella over there, you know.
But it is real. I mean,
part of your single life's great,
you got freedom, you can do whatever
you want, whenever you want, right?
Maybe somebody wanders into your life,
maybe not, you don't care.
It's a great place to be.
Do you know that place?
I'm not there, anymore.
Here's where I am.
I sit at home alone, wondering,
"Is this healthy?"
That's where I'm at right now.
Maybe it's not healthy, you know.
Freedom is great but I don't pop up alone
in bed in the middle of the night going,
"I can do whatever I want."
I'm not rolling around in bed going,
"Look at the freedom.
I have so much freedom.
Freedom..."
I'm not bravehearting in bed at 3:00 a.m.
Do you understand?
I'm not watching infomercials
and eating a lean cuisine
because I'm living life on my terms.
You're the only people
I've talked to today.
This is it. This is all I do.
I just do this, then I go home
and think of things
to tell strangers tomorrow.
It's a weird way to live...
life.
Sometimes my phone will ring
at 4 o'clock in the afternoon
and I have to warm my voice up.
Have you ever had that terrifying moment?
You're like, "The world needs me.
La-la-la "
"Hello, how are you?
No, I've been up for hours
but I'm laying down. I'm laying down."
Thank you for being here.
It's so nice to be in New York City.
[loud applause and cheers]
[whistling]
Yeah... I do love this city.
I'm from Idaho.
Nobody's disputing that.
I look like where I'm from.
Don't I? I mean...
You don't look at me right away and go,
"That guy is from Idaho."
But when I say it loud, everybody thinks,
"That makes sense to me.
I think that guy...
is legit from Idaho."
New Yorkers have no clue, you know.
"Where are you from?"
"Idaho."
"Why?"
That's what it feels like, "Why?"
I don't know, that's where I
done been borned, that's why.
That's where God done birth me.
Then they'll try to connect.
They go, "I know it."
"You know it? Congratulations.
It's a state in your country.
You should know it."
Then they go, "No, I know it."
This is what you tell me,
"It's in the Midwest."
No, it isn't.
I know there are people in here
right now going,
"He doesn't know what he's talking about."
That's how New Yorkers are.
I'm from there.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
And you're still, like,
"He doesn't get it."
You have created geography
that does not exist.
If you are a New Yorker,
it's New York, LA...and the Midwest.
That's all there is, in your heads,
just...
Yeah.
It's just one big red state.
Everything past Jersey
is corn cob pipes and coveralls.
In a New Yorker's fantasy Idaho,
everybody I put down my banjo,
so I can harvest all the 'taters
in my backyard, you know.
I'm just waiting
for the dinner bell to ring,
so I can go in
and watch some Hee Haw with my ma.
I could be from Narnia,
I'd get the same response
from New Yorkers.
They have no clue.
I'm from a town of 1,000 people.
You say that out loud in New York City
and the feeling that comes back is,
"Can we send money?"
Yeah. I'm from a small
refugee camp in Idaho.
Anything is helpful. Anything.
There's a little attitude in this city.
We can be honest about that, right?
New Yorkers say stuff, like,
"I could never live anywhere else..."
[groans]
Come on.
I think you could pull it together.
I really do.
I think if you really focused,
you could learn how to grocery shop
in Milwaukee, you know.
This is the only place you can live?
This is the only place I've been
where people just walk around
openly weeping.
-That's the only place...
-[laughter]
...you feel comfy.
Every other street corner
there's a shattered man and nobody cares.
That's where I feel most at home.
"I could never live..."
[exaggerated babbling]
New Yorkers think they are going to wander
into any other town and be, like,
"I'm the mayor now."
-"Oh, really?"
-[laughter]
"Yeah, I took a look around the city
and I'm the mayor."
"Why is that?"
"I'm from New York City."
"I had no idea. Here's the key. Please.
Everyone, our savior's here.
We have so many questions."
Then they always come back
with this, "But Ryan, Ryan...
if you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere."
No.
That's not true.
Frank Sinatra put that in one song
and everybody went "that's a fact."
It's not true.
I've never heard a more blanket statement
with zero evidence behind it in my life.
It's, like, one New Yorker said that
and every other New Yorker went...
Mm-hmm.
You know what he said,
"We can do anything, anywhere."
I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho
and I don't think
New Yorkers could make it there.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, we wandered off
looking for gluten-free cupcakes
and, uh...
Where are they?
They are always right here.
They are always right here."
[applause]
Three days later we found a body.
Uh...
turns out he couldn't make it here.
Maybe New York City
is the easiest place to make it.
Have you ever thought of that?
I mean, sure, you get lost
but you pop up out of the subway
and go, "The streets have numbers
and I see six delis,
I think I'm gonna make it.
I made it."
What do you mean, "You made it?"
What do you mean?
Like, there are people
who came to this country
and this city with nothing and made it.
But I don't feel like those are the people
who are saying those words.
What do you mean, "You made it"? It feels
like your father's paying your rent
and you got a job tweeting for a startup
is what it feels like.
[laughter]
Look it, half of the room
shut down right there. Hey!
-Hey! Hey!
-[laughter, applause]
"Wait a minute,
I'm a social media director
and I'm a writer,
and I had to live in the Village.
It's the only place I feel inspired.
I had to ask my father.
It's the bravest thing I've ever done."
[laughter]
Look...
it's a strange time to be
from anywhere in our country.
People keep going, "I don't know
who all these Trump voters are."
I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho.
I know who they are.
I know who they are, you know.
And I'm not a political comedian, but
it's, like, I am now, a little bit, uh...
How can you not be, a little bit?
I haven't had a conversation
in a very long time
that hasn't ended with,
"Well, it's going to be interesting."
Gonna be real interesting.
I will never forget election day.
Did you go to an election viewing party?
Those turned around quick, didn't they?
Have you even been to a party
that became not a party in the middle?
Halfway through everybody went,
"I guess I'll go watch this alone
in the dark. I don't know."
I think even people who voted for Trump
looked at that and went,
-"That doesn't look right."
-[laughter]
But the next day, that was the strangest
day of all, wasn't it?
The next day that was--
You went home,
you slept for four fitful hours,
then you woke up wide-eyed,
and you walked over to your window,
you looked outside, and you went,
"Looks okay, I guess.
I guess I'm gonna go out there."
And then you left your home
and that was the strangest feeling
on the strangest day, wasn't it?
Just walking outside, like, "Here we go.
All right.
Out into the new normal.
Okay, just walking around."
-You know, just...
-[applause and cheers]
-[whooping]
-Wha...
Making eye contact with people, like,
"I don't know. I'm going to work,
I guess. I don't know.
Are you going to work?
We're all going to work."
And I'm not trying to be divisive.
I grew up how you thought I would grow up.
Really. My grandfather gave me a shotgun
for my 12th birthday.
He said "Try and be careful", you know.
And I did, I grew up quick.
I could drive at 14,
legally anywhere, alone.
I'm doing things that New Yorkers
don't do until their late 30's.
-[laughter]
-I mean...
[emphatic applause]
We were all driving around tractors
with guns in the eighth grade.
It was like
Mad Max meets Lord of the Flies,
or something crazy.
I didn't know what to do
when I first showed up here.
I'd just get in line for things.
That's what it felt like.
I'd just wake up in the morning and go,
"Let's go get in some lines,
get into the hustle and bustle
of the city, you know."
One day, I found myself crowded on a boat
with a lot of other hopeful people
on the way to the Statue of Liberty,
and what I realized is that
all these boat tour companies
have actually managed to just, kind of,
recreate the immigrant experience.
Uh...
I don't even think they are aware
of what they're doing.
But ten minutes in, all I could think was,
"Get me to America.
I don't wanna be here anymore.
I gotta get off this boat and get a job
and feed my family, you know."
I have true empathy for any immigrant.
I really do.
I mean-- Well, I moved from rural Idaho
to Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan.
Now, uh...
you may not call me an immigrant,
but... I will.
[laughter]
And I know that is brazen,
teetering on ignorance.
But, hear me out.
I don't have a community,
do you understand? It's just me.
You won't find another. Go ahead.
There's no little... There's no little
side street in the East Village
where you get the best baked potato
in town, you know.
It's just me, walking around,
looking for my family.
It's just different worlds.
I don't even know what to tell my family
when I call home.
My mom will go, "How was your day?"
"Well, I saw a guy smoking crack
on the train."
Then my mom will go,
"Oh, we had a moose in the yard."
[laughter]
I did see a guy smoking crack
on the train.
People don't believe me
but I know it was crack.
I know it.
Even New Yorker's, like,
"You didn't see it."
I know it was crack.
Do you know how I know?
Because it wasn't marijuana
and I don't know
what the other options are.
[laughter]
-[applause]
-So...
It's kind of like, you go ahead
and tell me what that was, you know.
This guy wandered onto the train
and he didn't look great.
You know how sometimes you see somebody
and you go, "I wonder what his story is."
Well, he told us.
[laughter]
I mean, really more in actions than words,
I would say.
He sat down and pulled out,
what I would call an "apparatus",
and he started to barbeque it right there.
He's got a three-inch flame.
There's smoke floating around.
It's a scene.
By the way,
it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to see this.
I've never seen anything like this.
One guys goes,
"Hey, you can't do that in here."
Yeah, I think he knows.
Uh... he seems like
a bit of an out of the box thinker.
This fella, he...
he might be bending a rule or two
here and there.
What are you talking about?
"You can't do that in here?"
He said it like he expected him to go,
"Oh geez, I'm sorry.
Am I on a train again?
For crying out loud, I never do this.
This is very unlike me.
Are those children? I am mortified."
There's another guy,
five seats down from him,
on the same side of the train,
who doesn't break his forward gaze,
he's got this peripheral vision
going on, like,
"Something's going down.
and I will not acknowledge it."
And he takes his hat off
and waves it in front of his face
in a motion that says
"I'm on my way to a job interview.
I cannot get high on crack,
right now.
What kind of a city is this?
I'm just trying
not to get high on crack."
[laughter]
"What happened?"
"I accidentally got high on crack.
I mean, you know how it is."
The train comes to a stop
and I decided to get off
because I'm not much of a partier.
[laughter]
And there are four people
who want to get onto the train
and I have this thought,
"I need to present a small
public service announcement."
Then the doors open up like a little show.
Do you know that moment?
We're just, like,
"Guess who's from 34 Street?"
You know, and then...
with my $1,000 Idaho face,
like I solved a Hardy Boys mystery,
I go,
"Somebody's smokin' crack in there."
[laughter]
Three people walked to the next car,
one guy wandered in and went,
"Which guy?"
I don't smoke or drink, or any--
I've never had fun.
I, uh... I don't drink at all.
I've never drank and people don't like you
when you say that.
I... People...
Like, if you drank and
then you stop drinking,
people go, "OK,"
but if you never drank,
the attitude's more, like,
"You are an alien
and I'd rather not have you in my life."
[laughter]
It's very difficult to be social.
You don't want me around.
Like, some nights it's OK,
but a lot of nights I get this feeling
back from the group, like,
"We all got together and we realized
you're going to remember most of this.
We'd rather you went home,
if you don't mind.
We don't want take a little black box
with us on this disaster
that's about to occur."
Now what you don't think about
is it goes both ways.
Your drinking affects my life.
Do you ever think about that?
It's true because I'm a good listener.
And so I listen and I listen and I listen
and I'm fine with that, really.
What I'm not OK with is the next day.
Do you know what happens the next day?
I end up alone in a park,
waiting for a picnic...
that doesn't exist.
There is no picnic. Picnic into the wind.
It's just me on a blanket
with baby carrots and cheese cubes,
waiting for someone with a five digit
phone number to try and call.
Now...
you don't get that kind of detail
on a joke unless you've actually lived it,
is what I want you to know.
I never get offered drugs.
I know I have that look about me,
but, uh...
I was standing on the street corner.
There's this guy
on the other side of the street
and he gives me one these head nods,
you know?
Where I'm from that means,
"How's your crop doing?"
[laughter]
[applause]
And I'm a friendly guy
so I gave him one back.
I said, "My crops are fine."
He walked over and flashed me
this hand full of these little white pills
and he said, "Hey man, you want
some of the good stuff?"
I didn't know what to say.
It kinda caught me off guard, right?
Here's what Idaho boy was thinking,
"Don't be rude."
[laughter]
That's what went through my head.
"Don't be rude to a drug dealer."
I felt like I was turning down dessert
after Grandma baked me a pie, you know.
"Oh no, thanks, I just had a big batch
of ecstasy for lunch. I'm fine."
You know, people don't think
you can become well-rounded
when you're from a small town
but I really think that you can
because you have to do everything.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, if you're not in the high school
musical in a town of a 1000 people,
it doesn't exist.
You have to be in it,
and I'm not talking about students.
This is everybody has to be involved.
[laughter]
And sports is really king.
I don't know if I need to tell you this
but I'm not much of an athlete, you know.
But you have to do it.
It's, like, "I don't wanna." "Get in
there!" "I don't wanna!"
"Get in there! You're going to get injured
and also going to be in Mary Poppins.
That's just how your life's
gonna turn out."
We have a big parade every year
on the 4th of July.
It's the biggest event in my town every
year, there are 500 people in the parade
and 500 people
who are watching the parade.
We have exactly enough people
to have a parade.
If someone stayed home, they're kind of
ruining the parade, you know.
What I love about the parade is
after it's over nobody leaves,
nobody has anywhere to go.
There's only one suitable street
in my town for a parade.
When the parade gets out of town,
it doesn't know what to do either.
And there's this moment of confusion,
then it flips around, and it comes back.
And everybody just watches
the other side of the parade again.
I like it better the second time,
you know.
I like sports
but I can't talk sports with you.
I don't have a team,
which kind of blows East Coaster's minds.
It's, like, "Who's your team?"
"I don't know. Denver.
It's a day-and-a-half's journey."
[laughter]
I just-- People get too wrapped up
into sports, you know.
Do you ever watch a game with someone
and just go,
"Where are your meds
in case this goes south, you know?"
It's too much.
One of my friends... he needed
the Cavs to win in this NBA series
-or he wouldn't be OK.
-[man] Yeah!
-Yeah. Well...
-[laughter]
They win and he's elated.
But it feels inflated,
I'm waiting for a crash.
And then...
he says, "I'm gonna tell you a secret.
I prayed that they would win.
I prayed for every player, by name,
that they'd each be able to achieve
their potential." Now...
Look, there's nothing wrong with that.
But here's what I thought.
"You're on your third divorce.
You have a couple of addictions
that I know about.
We both know
that eviction notice is looming.
Now, that's OK. That's called life.
I'm your friend. We get through
everything, that's life.
But here's what I'm surprised about.
I'm surprised about the things
you have decided to pray for."
I mean, I think...
I think even God is going,
"OK, if that's what you want.
You know, I haven't heard from you
in a while so I'm gonna give it you.
But I want you to know, I'm looking at
LeBron and I'm looking at you,
and I just feel I could do some things
for you, you know?
And... I also want you to know that
LeBron hasn't said a word about you.
Not even a..."
[laughter]
But the athleticism,
I can't help but be inspired.
Every time the Olympics roll around,
I have this thought,
"One year I'm gonna pull it together,"
you know,
which is ludicrous.
But I'm having these thoughts and
I realized I think there is a place for...
me in the Olympics.
Now...
that's a bold statement but...
all these athletes are competing
at such elite levels
and competing with other elite athletes
and winning by the very
narrowest of margins, right?
It's very difficult to have perspective.
[laughter]
What we need is a control group.
Let's insert an average human
into each one of these events.
-[laughter]
-Yeah!
Of course.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine?
"Michael Phelps hoarding medals
one after another
has yet again won this race.
But this race is not over
because here comes Tim
from Human Resources."
[laughter]
"What would you call that stroke?
Is that a mix between breast and back?
Or what is that exactly?"
Turns out Tim's treading water
at the moment.
Tim needed a bit of a breather.
"I also read that on a dare,
Tim agreed to eat nothing but chili
for three days,
leading up to these Olympic games.
I'm not a doctor
but those might be cramps.
Those may be the first Olympic cramps."
"Did you notice that Tim decided
to wear board shorts for this event?
It's gotta create some drag.
But hopefully those flippers that
the officials seem to be overlooking,
will make up the difference.
Let's hope so for Tim's sake
in these Olympic games."
-[laughter, cheers]
-I-- Well...
I'm relatively healthy, I think,
although I recently tried to
cancel my gym membership.
Have you ever heard a lazier statement
in your life than "I tried to cancel"?
You can't get out of a gym membership.
It's impossible.
You gotta call a guy,
he's got an unlisted number in a basement.
It's like,
"I'd like to cancel my gym membership."
"Sure, solve this riddle."
[laughter]
I've walked off street gangs easier
than canceling gym memberships.
He said, "If you really wanna cancel,
there are two ways,"
like I was on a quest.
There aren't two ways.
There's just one way,
I tell you and then you do it.
That's it, that's the only way.
We're actually halfway done right now.
If you would just meet me in the middle,
we could close the case on this one.
He said, "The first way is you can come in
and cancel in person."
Nope, it's not that one.
You wanna have a meeting?
What's that conversation going to be?
"As you can see, I spent $2,600
on four workouts. Now..."
[laughter]
"...from where I'm standing,
the grounds for cancellation
are pretty solid, you know.
I've been crunching some numbers over here
and I'm on a quarterly workout plan
and it's feeling a little
financially irresponsible.
So...
if you could please just let me out."
I don't even use my gym.
I wander in every three months and I go,
"I don't know how to do this."
My entire workout, the whole thing,
is based on whatever machine is open.
That's how I do it.
I walk around like a lost toddler
for three and a half minutes,
then I go, "I guess I'm going to
do neck today."
-I don't know.
-[laughter]
Just gonna bang out a few
on the scoliosis machine.
People are like,
"What's wrong with that guy?"
"I don't know. He does this, like,
every seven weeks or so."
"Should I sign another waiver?"
I do three sets of neck,
both sides, and...
then I go home. That's the whole thing.
And it cost, I don't know, $750.
Does that seem like
a fair exchange to anyone?
People are, like, "Your neck looks great."
"Well, yeah, that's all I do, you know."
I eat two pints of ice cream a week
and I do three sets of neck, both sides.
He said, "If you don't want to come in and
cancel in person, there's a second way."
Oh, I'm on pins and needles over here.
Do tell, I can't wait to hear
about the second way
to cancel my gym membership.
Here's what he said,
"You can write a letter."
He didn't laugh after he said that.
Write a letter?
I got upset, you know why?
Because I didn't sign this contract
during the Civil War.
[laughter]
We don't write letters anymore.
I don't even know how.
I was at home, Googling,
"How do you write a letter?"
[old-timey voice] "Dear My Gym,
I feel the time has come
for us to part ways.
Although your neck machine
has proven challenging,
I fear the cost has become exorbitant.
Furthermore,
we spoke on the phone on Tuesday
and this letter rings redundant, sir.
Please let me out.
Sincerely, Private Ryan T. Hamilton."
[resounding applause]
[cheers]
If someone asked you to write a letter
in this modern age, they're bullying you.
That's how I felt, I felt bullied.
You know why?
I had to buy 50 envelopes
in order to write...
one letter. I don't even have
letter writing stuff.
I was wandering around my apartment going,
"Maybe I can make an envelope,"
or something like that, you know, maybe.
Maybe I can cull together
some of these raw materials
and somehow fashion an envelope, but no.
I have 49 envelopes left.
It's a lifetime's worth of envelopes.
My children's children
will have envelopes.
They'll be telling stories
about how their grandfather
"walked to the CVS in a full-on rage.
And brought back this now
tattered box of envelopes,
so that we could also
cancel our gym memberships.
By the way, he had to walk by his gym
in order to purchase them.
He could have gone in and had a meeting
but he was in too deep.
The letters were written
and the story will be told."
I don't have grandkids.
I don't have kids. I don't have anyone.
-Now...
-[laughter]
It's not completely true.
I recently became an uncle.
-Uh, I just...
-[man] Yeah! Whoo!
Well, I just thought it was time.
I just thought I'm ready to take on
this responsibility, you know.
I don't know if there's ever
going to be a right time.
I don't know if I'm ever going to feel
completely ready, so I just did it.
And... my life is so full.
I feed myself
and I visit this kid occasionally.
I love my nephew very much,
but babies scare me.
Is that a legitimate thing to say?
Who else just stares at you
all day, every day, just...
I don't care how old you are,
that is socially unacceptable behavior.
Do you ever look into a baby's eyes?
They will pierce your soul.
Like, "what do you know, baby?"
[laughter]
People always say "It's different
if it's yours. It's different."
Well, what if it isn't?
I'm just gonna base this decision
on your Yelp review?
I don't know.
And all my friends have kids, you know?
"Do you want to hold the baby?
Come on, hold the baby."
I didn't even wanna see your baby.
It's just the most awkward
ten minutes of my life.
I'm trying not to make eye contact
the whole time.
"It's different if I'm yours.
It's different."
[laughter]
I went to Disney World alone.
That is funny but it's hard to laugh at.
Now, uh...
You're not supposed to
go to Disney World alone.
It was an accident. I didn't mean to.
I had a big gig at a Disney resort
at 3 o'clock in the afternoon
for 3,000 stay-at-home mothers.
They were unhinged.
[laughter]
I'm not supposed to be
done with work during the day.
I didn't know what to do.
I went to Disney World alone
and there's only one way to play it,
and that's lost.
Just walking around, like, "Where's
my group? I thought I had a group.
[laughter]
Has anyone seen a group with one missing?
No? I guess,
I'll just make the most of it."
It became less of an amusement park
and more of like a reflection park.
You know what I mean?
Just a place to kind of ponder,
"How can I prevent this
from ever happening again?"
Hey, I don't know if you've
ever been sad on a roller coaster,
-but, uh...
-[laughter]
...it's not impossible. You can do it.
They make you ride alone.
Did you know that?
If you show up to Disney World alone,
they make you ride alone.
I think it's in some manual somewhere.
"If some freak shows up alone,
don't let him ruin another patron's
Magic Kingdom experience."
And they make you declare that you
are alone. Did you know that?
You wait in line for an hour and they go,
"How many are in your group?
"Ten.
But I lost my group."
"Are you alone, sir?"
-"Well, I'm not with anyone."
-[laughter]
"How far do you wanna take this?"
And they go, "Go stand over here."
Everybody else is in lines
and then a car rolls up,
and two people get out and they go,
"That's all for you."
I said, "What about the hundreds
of people waiting in line?
They said, "We don't wanna
inconvenience them with your presence.
So, just go ahead. Spread out."
Then what they do is
they take a picture of that.
-So... yeah.
-[laughter]
[applause]
So that you can remember forever
the saddest photobomb
from the happiest place on earth.
Just six people,
with their arms in the air,
and one guy in the back, like,
"I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent.
I think this is healthy for my back."
We take pictures of anybody,
just strangers, you know.
You are on the Internet.
"I don't wanna be on the Internet."
Well, you shouldn't be
standing around then. You know, like...
This is kind of on you. You shouldn't be
standing around on planet Earth
if you don't wanna be on the Internet.
We just-- everything-- just walking
around, like, "Got it. Got it.
Hello. Got it."
Why? Do you ever go through the photos
in your phone? They're not that great.
They're really not.
It's, like, "Why are there
12 pictures of pancakes in a row?"
"Uh, I don't know.
Just putting together
a little pancake exhibition, you know.
I'm an artist."
It's gonna change things.
What's an attorney if every thing's
recorded, you know?
Really. Eventually, it'll be a guy who
just wheels in a screen and everyone goes,
-"Well, looks like you did it."
-[laughter]
"You know, thanks for coming in.
Watch your Twitter feed for your sentence.
That's how we do it now."
I mean, I guess that's a benefit, but I...
I don't know how people feel anymore.
Do you have that inside of you?
Like, we have all this ability
as human beings to communicate
with nuance and there's expression,
and subtlety, there's back-and-forth,
and we just send out a smiley face and go,
-"I hope that covers it." You know?
-[laughter]
There's a lot going in here but...
"salsa dancing girl." Uh...
[laughter]
I think I made my point.
"Are you ready?"
"No, I thought we were going bowling
and I feel a little under-dressed
for Flamenco dancing."
These little things, they pack
way too much weight, you know.
A period in the wrong place,
it can just ruin my day, really.
"You wanna go to dinner?" "No. Period."
[groans] I get it, I get it,
we're not going to dinner,
but can I say your period is unnecessary
and hurting my feelings.
I don't need it in my life.
There's enough finality,
and no, I don't need it, you know?"
We've ruined exclamation points.
People send four, six.
"Where are we going?
Ahh!!!!"
Just send one, it's not a scale, you know.
But if I send one
I feel like the other end is going,
"Is this sarcasm? What is this?"
This is how we meet people.
People always tell me, "you should
meet somebody on the Internet."
But they do with this attitude, like,
"I would never, but I think
that's a good idea for you."
-[laughter]
-Do you know people like that?
There are people in here right now,
on their second or third Internet date
just both looking straight ahead going,
"Please drop this topic."
They don't even want to
admit it to each other
but that's just how people meet
and it's OK.
I know these solid couples
who meet on the Internet.
You ask 'em, "How did you meet?"
This is what happens.
The women go, "We met on the Internet."
And then the men go,
"Please stop telling people that."
Now I think... I think it's because
the attitude is a little different.
When a woman
gets on the Internet to find someone,
correct me if I'm wrong,
but I feel, like, the attitude is,
"I'm just exploring my options."
When a man
gets on the Internet to meet someone,
do you know what the attitude is?
"I have depleted all my options.
There is nowhere else to go.
Let's search the universe
because that's all that's left.
It's just a Hail Mary pass
into the ether.
Is anybody open? Anybody?
Somebody catch that, please.
I'm not dating anymore, I'm data mining.
I'm just swimming
through ones and zeros, just..."
All my friends now are on these, uh,
location-based dating apps.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
When I say all my friends
are on these location-based dating apps,
what I mean is, I'm on all these
location-based dating apps.
[laughter]
We have all these devices constantly
broadcasting our location, right?
So here's what dating has become
in the modern world.
"Who's right here, right now?"
It's like we're hunting fugitives
on the run or something, you know.
"Set a ten-mile perimeter,
close all the roads.
She's got a five-mile head start.
Move it! Move it!"
It's, like, "Who are you interested in?"
"Everyone in a 100-yard radius.
Basically, I'm just not really into
long distance relationships."
"But what's your type?"
"Just people near me.
Just in the general area."
There's just this...
nothing romantic about it.
It's real people
with feelings and emotions
but just through your life so quickly.
How is this healthy, just--
"No. No. No."
Just a stream of human sorrow
one after another, like,
"Not good enough. Do you know who I am?"
[laughter]
"Maybe."
I signed up.
-Uh...
-[laughter]
...it changed my life.
I went from feeling
pretty good about myself
to feeling like a leper,
alone in a room, typing.
That's what it felt like, just,
"Oh, look, she likes the outdoors too."
I can't believe how many people
like the outdoors online.
It really blows my mind.
There are a lot of hypocrites
on the Internet at home
with carpal tunnel syndrome
typing about their love for hiking.
Am I wrong?
Maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know...
I tried speed dating.
If one rejection a week
isn't enough for you,
you should give this a go,
because 30 an hour is a real rush.
It really is.
It feels like...
[applause]
It feels like emotional
whack-a-mole to me.
It's just, like, "Stay down."
[laughter]
I believe in romance.
But I have to admit I'm not good at it.
I go too big, too early.
Do you know that guy?
There are a dozen men in here
right now going, "Sing it, brother."
[laughter]
The too big, too early guy!
Date two, you are on a horse drawn
carriage ride just both going,
"Well maybe a salad would have been
appropriate, you know."
We got this horse involved,
just like, clip-clop, clip-clop.
"What's your last name?"
"Clip-clop, clip-clop."
Putting too much pressure
on this conversation, you know.
Those horse drawn carriage rides,
they're all over Manhattan,
I feel sorry for the horse, don't you?
I was walking down the street
with a friend of mine,
who happened to be out of work, and we saw
one of these horse drawn carriage rides
and I said to him,
"I feel sorry for the horse."
Do you know what he came back with?
"I bet he's happy to just have a job."
-That's what he told me.
-[laughter]
That's the point you're at in your life,
jealous of the animals who are working?
-[laughter]
-He's got an attitude, like,
"These horse are coming over here,
stealing all our jobs."
It's time to tune-up your resume,
I'm afraid.
You're a horse and you live in Manhattan?
I have so many questions for you.
Where do you go home to at night,
you know?
In my head he's got a fourth floor
stable walk-up in Chinatown.
He's gotta clump up the stairs at 3:00 AM
and kicks open the door and he goes,
"I gotta get out of this city.
They told me if I can make it in Kentucky,
I could make it here."
[laughter]
[applause]
I went on a hot air balloon ride
with a girl.
I thought that would be...
romantic.
It's terrifying. It's not romantic.
There are all these obstacles.
You have to get up
at 5 o'clock in the morning
Did you know that? Hot air balloons,
they don't even work during the day.
I didn't know that.
We were finished at 7:00 AM
with our romantic experience.
Where do you go from there? "Do you wanna
hit Denny's? Is that what we should do?"
"Do you wanna take a 12-hour nap
and I'll pick you up?"
Those are all the options.
It looks peaceful and serene
from the ground.
I got up there and I realized,
this is panic inducing is what it is.
I have a death grip on a wicker basket
in the sky.
It's made of wicker!
Why are we flying around in wicker?
I don't trust wicker on the ground,
you know.
Have you ever sat on anything wicker?
This is the whole thing.
You just sit down and go,
"It's breaking, I can hear it breaking."
"Did you know your furniture's
made of weeds? Did you know that?"
It's a tiny wicker basket in the sky
By the way, everyone,
attached to a flame thrower.
-Is that a good idea?
-[laughter]
Who approved that? It's a deathtrap.
Where's the FAA?
I gotta take off my shoes
to board a flight,
but I can fly around on patio furniture...
[laughter]
...attached to a campfire? That's OK?
[applause]
And the basket is so small.
If you saw this basket in your kitchen,
this is what would go through your head:
"Bananas."
[laughter]
"We'll put some fruit in there
or something."
You'd never look at it and go,
"We gotta fly around in that, you know?
We gotta get some people up in the sky
in that tiny wicker basket."
And there's a man in there with us.
There's another person.
I've never been in any
romantic scenario ever and thought,
"If we had a stranger in the corner,
that'd really make this moment.
If there was just someone three feet away,
who didn't wanna be there."
[laughter]
[applause]
He's as far away as he can possibly be
and I can hear him breathing.
It's weird.
I don't like the guy.
He calls himself a pilot.
I don't know everything,
but that feels a little generous.
You don't even know
where we are going, do you?
Let's make a deal,
you tell me where we are going
and I will call you Captain.
I asked him, "Where are we going?"
Do you know what he said?
"I've got up or down. What do you want?"
What do I want? Down is what I want.
I'm terrified of your
flaming deathtrap in the sky.
It's the only form of transportation
once you land,
someone has to come pick you up,
and take you back to where you started.
Then you can get where you wanna go.
It doesn't work.
Someone invented it and said,
"We can fly." "Where?"
"We're working on that, you know?
And you're actually
being a little picky, frankly."
It's impractical, you know. No one's
ever said, "I gotta run to the store."
"Take the balloon."
[laughter]
"It's just sitting out there.
No one ever uses the dumb thing."
Did you know they crash every time?
Did you know that?
There's no landing in a hot air balloon.
It's only crashing.
In your head it kinda floats down
gently to the earth.
But that's not reality. No.
Reality involves an angle and velocity,
and it attacks the earth
like a wicker shovel
with just an enormous sail
just drug across the earth.
If you happen to survive,
you roll out and dust yourself off,
and go, "Happy Anniversary."
[laughter]
"Do you wanna get some eggs?
It's 7 o'clock in the morning.
Captain Crash said he knows a joint."
Someone told me
that the hot air balloon
became popular during the Civil War.
You remember back
when we used to write letters?
[laughter]
He said because they'd use it
to spy on each other's armies.
I don't know if that's true.
But I cannot come up with a scenario
where that is even possible.
How?
"They are right in front of you.
No, I think they can hear me too, I guess.
I don't know."
[laughter]
"They can definitely see me,
that's for sure.
This thing has 12 colors.
Where did you get this?
It says RE/MAX on the side.
OK, they are shooting at me now, so..."
Comedy is pretty tough.
Sometimes people don't like eight minutes
of straight hot air balloon material...
[laughter]
...and, uh, that puts me
in real tight spot, you know.
It just happens to be a subgenre
category of comedy
-that I'm very passionate about.
-[laughter]
One time someone complained...
to a comedy club manager.
He came to me and said,
"Will you go talk to these people?"
Then he said, "I can't wait to watch."
And he was laughing maniacally.
I go out and there's this couple.
Everything about them was stand-offish,
very cold.
They don't care for me.
It's apparent right away, which is fine.
You don't have to love me, right?
But this is what they said,
"We are hot air balloonists."
[audience gasps]
Yeah. They were for real.
They were personally, deeply offended
by the stance I had taken
on hot air balloons.
[laughter]
This is the state of things.
This is the sensitivity level?
Look, If I can't talk about
hot air ballooning, I'm quitting comedy.
I can't think of a more benign topic,
you know.
And I didn't wanna laugh at them
but they did call themselves balloonists.
I feel that gives me a little leverage.
And they looked at me and said,
"You don't understand our hobby.
It's recreational. And it's fun.
And it's safe.
And you don't get it."
I don't remember what I said to them.
I do remember the first thought I had.
"I have finally become the edgy,
boundary-pushing comedian..."
[laughter]
[applause]
[chuckles]
...that I have always wanted to be."
I'm out here talking about the topics
that no one else will talk about.
Sure, I'm pushing some buttons.
You know what I mean? I'm walking a line.
But I'm not gonna stand up here
and apologize for it.
If there are
hot air balloonists here tonight,
you can leave. I don't care.
[laughter]
I don't care about money.
Do you believe me?
I'd like to not care about money
but I'm sick of thinking about money.
Do you get to that point in your life?
I don't wanna look at my bank account.
You ever not looked at your bank account
for six months? You ever do that?
You go, "I know what's going in there.
I have seen this cycle before."
I'm gonna let that simmer for a while.
See what happens on the other end.
Around month seven,
you start giving out your card,
"You can try and swipe that. Sure."
I was thinking about getting Lasik surgery
for my eyes.
I wear contacts
and I was watching some ads.
I saw an ad, a $150 per eye.
That seems low.
[laughter]
I'm not into bargain surgery, you know?
I don't need to coupon clip
for a laser in my eye.
Here's the other thing, a $150 per eye?
Who's not getting the whole package?
Are you telling me a lot of people
are walking into the Lasik place,
walking out like Popeye
until the paycheck comes in.
"I could only afford to fix one.
Could you move over
to my right a little bit, please?
I'm just waiting on a check to clear."
[laughter]
It would be tough having vision
in only one eye.
Someone told me,
they got one eye surgically corrected
for long distance vision and kept
the other eye for near-sighted vision.
What kind of personal torture
did you create for yourself?
"I'm reading, I'm reading--
I'm driving.
I'm driving. I'm driving--
I'm reading again.
I'm reading. I'm driving.
I'm cooking, flight simulator.
Crossword puzzle, Frisbee."
[laughter]
I will do this as long as you will.
I recently went skydiving.
Yeah. The first time you go,
there are two methods.
You can go tandem or static line,
which means you have a line
attached to your chest
and they just kinda
kick you out of the plane.
Then the line pulls the chute for you,
you just float down alone,
and hope you don't land on a freeway.
-Or, uh...
-[laughter]
You know, behind enemy lines,
something like that.
That sounded scary
so I went with another person on my back,
which is also a unique situation in life.
I wasn't sure if he was on my back,
I was on his front,
like some sort of adult baby carrier.
Sitting there, like...
"Where we goin'? I need a nap.
Support my neck. My neck!
I'm a baby.
It's different if I'm yours."
[laughter]
-[applause]
-This...
This guy, he gave himself a title.
He called himself "tandem master."
I already know who the boss is.
Your title's unnecessary.
I'm gonna call you Roy
like your name tag says.
[laughter]
And we're gonna jump out of an airplane.
As we were flying up, he'd try
and keep me calm. He had this method.
He'd reach his arm around
and show me his altimeter.
Then he would lean up
and would whisper in my ear,
and he would go "8,000 feet.
Look how beautiful it is."
And I said,
"The only thing making me nervous
is all this whispering."
[laughter]
There were other people on the plane,
these solo jumpers.
I'm just talking to them.
I'm relatively calm.
Everything's fine.
One of these guys gets up,
he just lifts open a door
on the side of the plane.
In my head I think, "I know there's a door
on the side of the plane,
but I didn't know it was
a scenario where a guy goes,
"All right, there's the outside of the
airplane. It's totally available.'"
Then he goes, "See ya," and then he left.
He left an airplane like he was
going to get milk or something, you know.
It really messes with your head
when someone just kind of casually
saunters out of an airplane, right?
Like, your brain starts going,
"That man's gonna die,"
and then it goes, "So are you, stupid."
[laughter]
Five seconds later,
I have my feet out the door.
Tandem master says... [whispers]
"You remember everything I told you?"
I said, "I don't know who you are anymore.
I don't wanna be here."
All you have to do is keep your body
in this arch shape, right?
I know this because I went through
20 minutes of training
watching a VHS tape alone in a shed.
That's how I learned how to skydive.
Just sitting alone in a shed thinking,
"I'm really glad I signed that waiver.
That was a good idea."
And they know you'll panic, right?
So they give you these simplified words
to help you to remember
how to keep your body in this arch shape.
These are the words that they gave me,
"Belly button. Banana."
Now it means,
lead with your belly button,
go in a banana.
But it's just...
Can you just treat me
like a peer, you know,
for one day?
So I'm in banana formation
and I'm falling to the earth
with another person on my back.
Two seconds in,
my contacts are ripped out of my face.
-Now...
-[laughter]
[chuckles] I have never had a thought
in my life, like,
"Maybe one day there's going to be
a force of wind on my face
that's gonna tear things out of my eyes.
So, you know, just be ready."
And when it happens,
it happens very quickly.
It's like, "There they go.
Okay, they're gone, so..."
Let's reevaluate because I can't see.
Now I'm wearing goggles
but the goggles are too big
and stuff's coming through the goggles.
But since I'm wearing goggles,
I can see my contacts.
They are just sitting inside.
They are kind of staring back at me.
Here's what going through my head
as I'm falling to the earth,
"Those are going to be dry.
Those are never going back in my face."
I felt like they were accusing me, like,
"What did you get us into?"
"I'm so sorry,
I don't wanna be here either."
"Who's that guy
peering over your shoulder?"
"He's all we've got."
"Belly button. Banana."
[laughter]
-And then...
-[applause]
-[cheers]
-[whooping]
He pulls our chute, we are floating down.
He leans up and whispers,
"Look how beautiful it is."
And I said, "I can't see anything.
And I might have wet our pants."
Then we landed and I just ran away.
I didn't know what to do.
[laughter]
I was scared, I wanted to be alone.
I didn't have pants
and I couldn't see very well but I ran.
And I ran a long time and I ran hard.
And then I realized he was
right there with me. I mean...
you can't really outrun a guy
strapped to your back like that.
It's very difficult but he was great.
He was shouting out directions and...
We've stayed in touch all these years.
He's become a dear, dear friend.
Every once in a while,
he sends me a postcard,
and I staple one to the back
and return it.
It's just a fun tradition.
-[man whoops]
-[chuckles]
This girl came up to me
after a show the other day about, uh...
eight years ago.
[laughter]
She said we went to third grade together.
I didn't even recognize her.
And then she said "I think
we should pick up where we left off."
And I pulled her hair and ran away.
[laughter]
-[applause]
-She...
Childhood is very funny.
We boil our lives down to our childhood
and often we have
a lot of shared experiences.
Every time I see a little kid
on a bike now, it takes me right back.
That was a big part of my childhood,
riding around my bike in my little town.
Every time I see a kid now,
he's always got a helmet and pads on,
which is strange to me
because when I was a kid,
the only bike safety I worried about
is if the kid riding on the handle bars
had a good grip. That's all I cared about.
Do you remember riding with it?
The driver can't see a thing, right?
"That's a curve, you idiot! Turn!
We're gonna die."
Next thing you know,
you are laid out on the street,
take a handle bar right in the gut.
Do you remember that pain?
[holding back tears]
"Someone help me get my mom.
I can't breathe.
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."
Your brother's laid out
on the street next to you.
"This is our Vietnam, brother."
[laughter]
Don't you think it's weird, as adults,
we never get the wind knocked out of us,
but as kids, I don't know,
four times a week, maybe, I mean...
If I got the wind knocked out of me today,
I'm 99% sure I'm calling 911.
"911."
[ragged breathing] "I can't breathe,
I don't know, I...
[babbles] ...and now I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna--"
[low groan]
[wheezing]
[gulps, clears throat]
[high-pitched moan]
[normal voice] No, I'm still here.
[laughter]
Listen, you're not gonna believe this
but it just went away.
No, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna
go do some laundry.
Thanks a lot. You can go ahead
and cancel that.
Kids don't care, you know. A kid could be
laying on the ground turning colors,
"He's purple. What should we do?"
"Give him a minute, he'll be fine."
He just fell off the fence post
the wrong way.
He's, like... [ragged breathing]
"I'm OK. This happens all the time.
This happened to me on Tuesday.
You go ahead. Go on.
Mississippi one."
[laughter]
Mississippi two.
Mississippi-- Get my mom.
Get my mom."
[laughter]
Do you remember the handle bars
after the accident? Do you remember--
They would never work right after--
Every time you try and take a corner,
you'd be like, "Nothing happened, right?"
Just riding around
with your alignment out or something.
"Check it out, I'm a Picasso
and I'm going to die."
Then you have to fix it.
Remember the technique? Only one way.
You gotta get off the bike, come around,
and you just clamp down on the front tire.
Just a...
[makes squealing sounds]
Kids are so tough.
I was way up on the top of this pine tree
with my kid brother once and he fell out.
He must have hit every branch
on the way down.
It looked like that great big Plinko game
on The Price is Right.
You know, just bam, bam, bam, boom.
Smacks the dirt, gets up and yells,
"Not it," and runs away.
-[laughter]
-You guys have been so great.
I really appreciate you comin' out.
Thank you very much.
-Good night, everybody.
-[cheers]
[whistling]
[applause, cheers continue]
[emcee] Please welcome Ryan Hamilton.
[louder applause and cheers]
Thank you. Wow!
Thank you very much,
thank you very much!
Thank you, thank you!
This is so nice. Thank you very much.
Where do you want to begin?
Should we start with my face?
Should we? I always look like this.
I look really happy all the time
and I don't feel like this.
I really don't. I feel...
I feel OK and I look crazy happy.
And I don't even buy it.
I wake up in the morning,
look in the mirror and I go,
"Well, that is inaccurate."
Uh... I don't know...
I don't know what you want me to do?
I just walk around, people go,
"Look at that chipper fella."
And I go, "I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine."
I think I could sell ice cream
in the 50's, maybe.
I think that's the kind of look
that I have.
-[laughter, applause]
-[chuckles]
Yeah. No, I think I can really
move some ice cream, you know.
I can't go places like this.
I can't just show up at a funeral.
You know, uh...
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
It's very inappropriate,
very inappropriate.
I can't ask a girl out, you know.
"What're you doing tomorrow?"
I don't want to drop a bomb on you
right away like this but I'm single.
-Now, uh...
-[cat call from audience]
Yeah, well, I'm trying not to be single,
which sounds desperate, doesn't it?
I mean, you shouldn't say that out loud.
It's true, but there's no woman
in earshot of that statement going,
"That's the one."
Dibs on that smiley,
desperate fella over there, you know.
But it is real. I mean,
part of your single life's great,
you got freedom, you can do whatever
you want, whenever you want, right?
Maybe somebody wanders into your life,
maybe not, you don't care.
It's a great place to be.
Do you know that place?
I'm not there, anymore.
Here's where I am.
I sit at home alone, wondering,
"Is this healthy?"
That's where I'm at right now.
Maybe it's not healthy, you know.
Freedom is great but I don't pop up alone
in bed in the middle of the night going,
"I can do whatever I want."
I'm not rolling around in bed going,
"Look at the freedom.
I have so much freedom.
Freedom..."
I'm not bravehearting in bed at 3:00 a.m.
Do you understand?
I'm not watching infomercials
and eating a lean cuisine
because I'm living life on my terms.
You're the only people
I've talked to today.
This is it. This is all I do.
I just do this, then I go home
and think of things
to tell strangers tomorrow.
It's a weird way to live...
life.
Sometimes my phone will ring
at 4 o'clock in the afternoon
and I have to warm my voice up.
Have you ever had that terrifying moment?
You're like, "The world needs me.
La-la-la "
"Hello, how are you?
No, I've been up for hours
but I'm laying down. I'm laying down."
Thank you for being here.
It's so nice to be in New York City.
[loud applause and cheers]
[whistling]
Yeah... I do love this city.
I'm from Idaho.
Nobody's disputing that.
I look like where I'm from.
Don't I? I mean...
You don't look at me right away and go,
"That guy is from Idaho."
But when I say it loud, everybody thinks,
"That makes sense to me.
I think that guy...
is legit from Idaho."
New Yorkers have no clue, you know.
"Where are you from?"
"Idaho."
"Why?"
That's what it feels like, "Why?"
I don't know, that's where I
done been borned, that's why.
That's where God done birth me.
Then they'll try to connect.
They go, "I know it."
"You know it? Congratulations.
It's a state in your country.
You should know it."
Then they go, "No, I know it."
This is what you tell me,
"It's in the Midwest."
No, it isn't.
I know there are people in here
right now going,
"He doesn't know what he's talking about."
That's how New Yorkers are.
I'm from there.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
And you're still, like,
"He doesn't get it."
You have created geography
that does not exist.
If you are a New Yorker,
it's New York, LA...and the Midwest.
That's all there is, in your heads,
just...
Yeah.
It's just one big red state.
Everything past Jersey
is corn cob pipes and coveralls.
In a New Yorker's fantasy Idaho,
everybody I put down my banjo,
so I can harvest all the 'taters
in my backyard, you know.
I'm just waiting
for the dinner bell to ring,
so I can go in
and watch some Hee Haw with my ma.
I could be from Narnia,
I'd get the same response
from New Yorkers.
They have no clue.
I'm from a town of 1,000 people.
You say that out loud in New York City
and the feeling that comes back is,
"Can we send money?"
Yeah. I'm from a small
refugee camp in Idaho.
Anything is helpful. Anything.
There's a little attitude in this city.
We can be honest about that, right?
New Yorkers say stuff, like,
"I could never live anywhere else..."
[groans]
Come on.
I think you could pull it together.
I really do.
I think if you really focused,
you could learn how to grocery shop
in Milwaukee, you know.
This is the only place you can live?
This is the only place I've been
where people just walk around
openly weeping.
-That's the only place...
-[laughter]
...you feel comfy.
Every other street corner
there's a shattered man and nobody cares.
That's where I feel most at home.
"I could never live..."
[exaggerated babbling]
New Yorkers think they are going to wander
into any other town and be, like,
"I'm the mayor now."
-"Oh, really?"
-[laughter]
"Yeah, I took a look around the city
and I'm the mayor."
"Why is that?"
"I'm from New York City."
"I had no idea. Here's the key. Please.
Everyone, our savior's here.
We have so many questions."
Then they always come back
with this, "But Ryan, Ryan...
if you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere."
No.
That's not true.
Frank Sinatra put that in one song
and everybody went "that's a fact."
It's not true.
I've never heard a more blanket statement
with zero evidence behind it in my life.
It's, like, one New Yorker said that
and every other New Yorker went...
Mm-hmm.
You know what he said,
"We can do anything, anywhere."
I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho
and I don't think
New Yorkers could make it there.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, we wandered off
looking for gluten-free cupcakes
and, uh...
Where are they?
They are always right here.
They are always right here."
[applause]
Three days later we found a body.
Uh...
turns out he couldn't make it here.
Maybe New York City
is the easiest place to make it.
Have you ever thought of that?
I mean, sure, you get lost
but you pop up out of the subway
and go, "The streets have numbers
and I see six delis,
I think I'm gonna make it.
I made it."
What do you mean, "You made it?"
What do you mean?
Like, there are people
who came to this country
and this city with nothing and made it.
But I don't feel like those are the people
who are saying those words.
What do you mean, "You made it"? It feels
like your father's paying your rent
and you got a job tweeting for a startup
is what it feels like.
[laughter]
Look it, half of the room
shut down right there. Hey!
-Hey! Hey!
-[laughter, applause]
"Wait a minute,
I'm a social media director
and I'm a writer,
and I had to live in the Village.
It's the only place I feel inspired.
I had to ask my father.
It's the bravest thing I've ever done."
[laughter]
Look...
it's a strange time to be
from anywhere in our country.
People keep going, "I don't know
who all these Trump voters are."
I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho.
I know who they are.
I know who they are, you know.
And I'm not a political comedian, but
it's, like, I am now, a little bit, uh...
How can you not be, a little bit?
I haven't had a conversation
in a very long time
that hasn't ended with,
"Well, it's going to be interesting."
Gonna be real interesting.
I will never forget election day.
Did you go to an election viewing party?
Those turned around quick, didn't they?
Have you even been to a party
that became not a party in the middle?
Halfway through everybody went,
"I guess I'll go watch this alone
in the dark. I don't know."
I think even people who voted for Trump
looked at that and went,
-"That doesn't look right."
-[laughter]
But the next day, that was the strangest
day of all, wasn't it?
The next day that was--
You went home,
you slept for four fitful hours,
then you woke up wide-eyed,
and you walked over to your window,
you looked outside, and you went,
"Looks okay, I guess.
I guess I'm gonna go out there."
And then you left your home
and that was the strangest feeling
on the strangest day, wasn't it?
Just walking outside, like, "Here we go.
All right.
Out into the new normal.
Okay, just walking around."
-You know, just...
-[applause and cheers]
-[whooping]
-Wha...
Making eye contact with people, like,
"I don't know. I'm going to work,
I guess. I don't know.
Are you going to work?
We're all going to work."
And I'm not trying to be divisive.
I grew up how you thought I would grow up.
Really. My grandfather gave me a shotgun
for my 12th birthday.
He said "Try and be careful", you know.
And I did, I grew up quick.
I could drive at 14,
legally anywhere, alone.
I'm doing things that New Yorkers
don't do until their late 30's.
-[laughter]
-I mean...
[emphatic applause]
We were all driving around tractors
with guns in the eighth grade.
It was like
Mad Max meets Lord of the Flies,
or something crazy.
I didn't know what to do
when I first showed up here.
I'd just get in line for things.
That's what it felt like.
I'd just wake up in the morning and go,
"Let's go get in some lines,
get into the hustle and bustle
of the city, you know."
One day, I found myself crowded on a boat
with a lot of other hopeful people
on the way to the Statue of Liberty,
and what I realized is that
all these boat tour companies
have actually managed to just, kind of,
recreate the immigrant experience.
Uh...
I don't even think they are aware
of what they're doing.
But ten minutes in, all I could think was,
"Get me to America.
I don't wanna be here anymore.
I gotta get off this boat and get a job
and feed my family, you know."
I have true empathy for any immigrant.
I really do.
I mean-- Well, I moved from rural Idaho
to Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan.
Now, uh...
you may not call me an immigrant,
but... I will.
[laughter]
And I know that is brazen,
teetering on ignorance.
But, hear me out.
I don't have a community,
do you understand? It's just me.
You won't find another. Go ahead.
There's no little... There's no little
side street in the East Village
where you get the best baked potato
in town, you know.
It's just me, walking around,
looking for my family.
It's just different worlds.
I don't even know what to tell my family
when I call home.
My mom will go, "How was your day?"
"Well, I saw a guy smoking crack
on the train."
Then my mom will go,
"Oh, we had a moose in the yard."
[laughter]
I did see a guy smoking crack
on the train.
People don't believe me
but I know it was crack.
I know it.
Even New Yorker's, like,
"You didn't see it."
I know it was crack.
Do you know how I know?
Because it wasn't marijuana
and I don't know
what the other options are.
[laughter]
-[applause]
-So...
It's kind of like, you go ahead
and tell me what that was, you know.
This guy wandered onto the train
and he didn't look great.
You know how sometimes you see somebody
and you go, "I wonder what his story is."
Well, he told us.
[laughter]
I mean, really more in actions than words,
I would say.
He sat down and pulled out,
what I would call an "apparatus",
and he started to barbeque it right there.
He's got a three-inch flame.
There's smoke floating around.
It's a scene.
By the way,
it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to see this.
I've never seen anything like this.
One guys goes,
"Hey, you can't do that in here."
Yeah, I think he knows.
Uh... he seems like
a bit of an out of the box thinker.
This fella, he...
he might be bending a rule or two
here and there.
What are you talking about?
"You can't do that in here?"
He said it like he expected him to go,
"Oh geez, I'm sorry.
Am I on a train again?
For crying out loud, I never do this.
This is very unlike me.
Are those children? I am mortified."
There's another guy,
five seats down from him,
on the same side of the train,
who doesn't break his forward gaze,
he's got this peripheral vision
going on, like,
"Something's going down.
and I will not acknowledge it."
And he takes his hat off
and waves it in front of his face
in a motion that says
"I'm on my way to a job interview.
I cannot get high on crack,
right now.
What kind of a city is this?
I'm just trying
not to get high on crack."
[laughter]
"What happened?"
"I accidentally got high on crack.
I mean, you know how it is."
The train comes to a stop
and I decided to get off
because I'm not much of a partier.
[laughter]
And there are four people
who want to get onto the train
and I have this thought,
"I need to present a small
public service announcement."
Then the doors open up like a little show.
Do you know that moment?
We're just, like,
"Guess who's from 34 Street?"
You know, and then...
with my $1,000 Idaho face,
like I solved a Hardy Boys mystery,
I go,
"Somebody's smokin' crack in there."
[laughter]
Three people walked to the next car,
one guy wandered in and went,
"Which guy?"
I don't smoke or drink, or any--
I've never had fun.
I, uh... I don't drink at all.
I've never drank and people don't like you
when you say that.
I... People...
Like, if you drank and
then you stop drinking,
people go, "OK,"
but if you never drank,
the attitude's more, like,
"You are an alien
and I'd rather not have you in my life."
[laughter]
It's very difficult to be social.
You don't want me around.
Like, some nights it's OK,
but a lot of nights I get this feeling
back from the group, like,
"We all got together and we realized
you're going to remember most of this.
We'd rather you went home,
if you don't mind.
We don't want take a little black box
with us on this disaster
that's about to occur."
Now what you don't think about
is it goes both ways.
Your drinking affects my life.
Do you ever think about that?
It's true because I'm a good listener.
And so I listen and I listen and I listen
and I'm fine with that, really.
What I'm not OK with is the next day.
Do you know what happens the next day?
I end up alone in a park,
waiting for a picnic...
that doesn't exist.
There is no picnic. Picnic into the wind.
It's just me on a blanket
with baby carrots and cheese cubes,
waiting for someone with a five digit
phone number to try and call.
Now...
you don't get that kind of detail
on a joke unless you've actually lived it,
is what I want you to know.
I never get offered drugs.
I know I have that look about me,
but, uh...
I was standing on the street corner.
There's this guy
on the other side of the street
and he gives me one these head nods,
you know?
Where I'm from that means,
"How's your crop doing?"
[laughter]
[applause]
And I'm a friendly guy
so I gave him one back.
I said, "My crops are fine."
He walked over and flashed me
this hand full of these little white pills
and he said, "Hey man, you want
some of the good stuff?"
I didn't know what to say.
It kinda caught me off guard, right?
Here's what Idaho boy was thinking,
"Don't be rude."
[laughter]
That's what went through my head.
"Don't be rude to a drug dealer."
I felt like I was turning down dessert
after Grandma baked me a pie, you know.
"Oh no, thanks, I just had a big batch
of ecstasy for lunch. I'm fine."
You know, people don't think
you can become well-rounded
when you're from a small town
but I really think that you can
because you have to do everything.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, if you're not in the high school
musical in a town of a 1000 people,
it doesn't exist.
You have to be in it,
and I'm not talking about students.
This is everybody has to be involved.
[laughter]
And sports is really king.
I don't know if I need to tell you this
but I'm not much of an athlete, you know.
But you have to do it.
It's, like, "I don't wanna." "Get in
there!" "I don't wanna!"
"Get in there! You're going to get injured
and also going to be in Mary Poppins.
That's just how your life's
gonna turn out."
We have a big parade every year
on the 4th of July.
It's the biggest event in my town every
year, there are 500 people in the parade
and 500 people
who are watching the parade.
We have exactly enough people
to have a parade.
If someone stayed home, they're kind of
ruining the parade, you know.
What I love about the parade is
after it's over nobody leaves,
nobody has anywhere to go.
There's only one suitable street
in my town for a parade.
When the parade gets out of town,
it doesn't know what to do either.
And there's this moment of confusion,
then it flips around, and it comes back.
And everybody just watches
the other side of the parade again.
I like it better the second time,
you know.
I like sports
but I can't talk sports with you.
I don't have a team,
which kind of blows East Coaster's minds.
It's, like, "Who's your team?"
"I don't know. Denver.
It's a day-and-a-half's journey."
[laughter]
I just-- People get too wrapped up
into sports, you know.
Do you ever watch a game with someone
and just go,
"Where are your meds
in case this goes south, you know?"
It's too much.
One of my friends... he needed
the Cavs to win in this NBA series
-or he wouldn't be OK.
-[man] Yeah!
-Yeah. Well...
-[laughter]
They win and he's elated.
But it feels inflated,
I'm waiting for a crash.
And then...
he says, "I'm gonna tell you a secret.
I prayed that they would win.
I prayed for every player, by name,
that they'd each be able to achieve
their potential." Now...
Look, there's nothing wrong with that.
But here's what I thought.
"You're on your third divorce.
You have a couple of addictions
that I know about.
We both know
that eviction notice is looming.
Now, that's OK. That's called life.
I'm your friend. We get through
everything, that's life.
But here's what I'm surprised about.
I'm surprised about the things
you have decided to pray for."
I mean, I think...
I think even God is going,
"OK, if that's what you want.
You know, I haven't heard from you
in a while so I'm gonna give it you.
But I want you to know, I'm looking at
LeBron and I'm looking at you,
and I just feel I could do some things
for you, you know?
And... I also want you to know that
LeBron hasn't said a word about you.
Not even a..."
[laughter]
But the athleticism,
I can't help but be inspired.
Every time the Olympics roll around,
I have this thought,
"One year I'm gonna pull it together,"
you know,
which is ludicrous.
But I'm having these thoughts and
I realized I think there is a place for...
me in the Olympics.
Now...
that's a bold statement but...
all these athletes are competing
at such elite levels
and competing with other elite athletes
and winning by the very
narrowest of margins, right?
It's very difficult to have perspective.
[laughter]
What we need is a control group.
Let's insert an average human
into each one of these events.
-[laughter]
-Yeah!
Of course.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine?
"Michael Phelps hoarding medals
one after another
has yet again won this race.
But this race is not over
because here comes Tim
from Human Resources."
[laughter]
"What would you call that stroke?
Is that a mix between breast and back?
Or what is that exactly?"
Turns out Tim's treading water
at the moment.
Tim needed a bit of a breather.
"I also read that on a dare,
Tim agreed to eat nothing but chili
for three days,
leading up to these Olympic games.
I'm not a doctor
but those might be cramps.
Those may be the first Olympic cramps."
"Did you notice that Tim decided
to wear board shorts for this event?
It's gotta create some drag.
But hopefully those flippers that
the officials seem to be overlooking,
will make up the difference.
Let's hope so for Tim's sake
in these Olympic games."
-[laughter, cheers]
-I-- Well...
I'm relatively healthy, I think,
although I recently tried to
cancel my gym membership.
Have you ever heard a lazier statement
in your life than "I tried to cancel"?
You can't get out of a gym membership.
It's impossible.
You gotta call a guy,
he's got an unlisted number in a basement.
It's like,
"I'd like to cancel my gym membership."
"Sure, solve this riddle."
[laughter]
I've walked off street gangs easier
than canceling gym memberships.
He said, "If you really wanna cancel,
there are two ways,"
like I was on a quest.
There aren't two ways.
There's just one way,
I tell you and then you do it.
That's it, that's the only way.
We're actually halfway done right now.
If you would just meet me in the middle,
we could close the case on this one.
He said, "The first way is you can come in
and cancel in person."
Nope, it's not that one.
You wanna have a meeting?
What's that conversation going to be?
"As you can see, I spent $2,600
on four workouts. Now..."
[laughter]
"...from where I'm standing,
the grounds for cancellation
are pretty solid, you know.
I've been crunching some numbers over here
and I'm on a quarterly workout plan
and it's feeling a little
financially irresponsible.
So...
if you could please just let me out."
I don't even use my gym.
I wander in every three months and I go,
"I don't know how to do this."
My entire workout, the whole thing,
is based on whatever machine is open.
That's how I do it.
I walk around like a lost toddler
for three and a half minutes,
then I go, "I guess I'm going to
do neck today."
-I don't know.
-[laughter]
Just gonna bang out a few
on the scoliosis machine.
People are like,
"What's wrong with that guy?"
"I don't know. He does this, like,
every seven weeks or so."
"Should I sign another waiver?"
I do three sets of neck,
both sides, and...
then I go home. That's the whole thing.
And it cost, I don't know, $750.
Does that seem like
a fair exchange to anyone?
People are, like, "Your neck looks great."
"Well, yeah, that's all I do, you know."
I eat two pints of ice cream a week
and I do three sets of neck, both sides.
He said, "If you don't want to come in and
cancel in person, there's a second way."
Oh, I'm on pins and needles over here.
Do tell, I can't wait to hear
about the second way
to cancel my gym membership.
Here's what he said,
"You can write a letter."
He didn't laugh after he said that.
Write a letter?
I got upset, you know why?
Because I didn't sign this contract
during the Civil War.
[laughter]
We don't write letters anymore.
I don't even know how.
I was at home, Googling,
"How do you write a letter?"
[old-timey voice] "Dear My Gym,
I feel the time has come
for us to part ways.
Although your neck machine
has proven challenging,
I fear the cost has become exorbitant.
Furthermore,
we spoke on the phone on Tuesday
and this letter rings redundant, sir.
Please let me out.
Sincerely, Private Ryan T. Hamilton."
[resounding applause]
[cheers]
If someone asked you to write a letter
in this modern age, they're bullying you.
That's how I felt, I felt bullied.
You know why?
I had to buy 50 envelopes
in order to write...
one letter. I don't even have
letter writing stuff.
I was wandering around my apartment going,
"Maybe I can make an envelope,"
or something like that, you know, maybe.
Maybe I can cull together
some of these raw materials
and somehow fashion an envelope, but no.
I have 49 envelopes left.
It's a lifetime's worth of envelopes.
My children's children
will have envelopes.
They'll be telling stories
about how their grandfather
"walked to the CVS in a full-on rage.
And brought back this now
tattered box of envelopes,
so that we could also
cancel our gym memberships.
By the way, he had to walk by his gym
in order to purchase them.
He could have gone in and had a meeting
but he was in too deep.
The letters were written
and the story will be told."
I don't have grandkids.
I don't have kids. I don't have anyone.
-Now...
-[laughter]
It's not completely true.
I recently became an uncle.
-Uh, I just...
-[man] Yeah! Whoo!
Well, I just thought it was time.
I just thought I'm ready to take on
this responsibility, you know.
I don't know if there's ever
going to be a right time.
I don't know if I'm ever going to feel
completely ready, so I just did it.
And... my life is so full.
I feed myself
and I visit this kid occasionally.
I love my nephew very much,
but babies scare me.
Is that a legitimate thing to say?
Who else just stares at you
all day, every day, just...
I don't care how old you are,
that is socially unacceptable behavior.
Do you ever look into a baby's eyes?
They will pierce your soul.
Like, "what do you know, baby?"
[laughter]
People always say "It's different
if it's yours. It's different."
Well, what if it isn't?
I'm just gonna base this decision
on your Yelp review?
I don't know.
And all my friends have kids, you know?
"Do you want to hold the baby?
Come on, hold the baby."
I didn't even wanna see your baby.
It's just the most awkward
ten minutes of my life.
I'm trying not to make eye contact
the whole time.
"It's different if I'm yours.
It's different."
[laughter]
I went to Disney World alone.
That is funny but it's hard to laugh at.
Now, uh...
You're not supposed to
go to Disney World alone.
It was an accident. I didn't mean to.
I had a big gig at a Disney resort
at 3 o'clock in the afternoon
for 3,000 stay-at-home mothers.
They were unhinged.
[laughter]
I'm not supposed to be
done with work during the day.
I didn't know what to do.
I went to Disney World alone
and there's only one way to play it,
and that's lost.
Just walking around, like, "Where's
my group? I thought I had a group.
[laughter]
Has anyone seen a group with one missing?
No? I guess,
I'll just make the most of it."
It became less of an amusement park
and more of like a reflection park.
You know what I mean?
Just a place to kind of ponder,
"How can I prevent this
from ever happening again?"
Hey, I don't know if you've
ever been sad on a roller coaster,
-but, uh...
-[laughter]
...it's not impossible. You can do it.
They make you ride alone.
Did you know that?
If you show up to Disney World alone,
they make you ride alone.
I think it's in some manual somewhere.
"If some freak shows up alone,
don't let him ruin another patron's
Magic Kingdom experience."
And they make you declare that you
are alone. Did you know that?
You wait in line for an hour and they go,
"How many are in your group?
"Ten.
But I lost my group."
"Are you alone, sir?"
-"Well, I'm not with anyone."
-[laughter]
"How far do you wanna take this?"
And they go, "Go stand over here."
Everybody else is in lines
and then a car rolls up,
and two people get out and they go,
"That's all for you."
I said, "What about the hundreds
of people waiting in line?
They said, "We don't wanna
inconvenience them with your presence.
So, just go ahead. Spread out."
Then what they do is
they take a picture of that.
-So... yeah.
-[laughter]
[applause]
So that you can remember forever
the saddest photobomb
from the happiest place on earth.
Just six people,
with their arms in the air,
and one guy in the back, like,
"I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent.
I think this is healthy for my back."
We take pictures of anybody,
just strangers, you know.
You are on the Internet.
"I don't wanna be on the Internet."
Well, you shouldn't be
standing around then. You know, like...
This is kind of on you. You shouldn't be
standing around on planet Earth
if you don't wanna be on the Internet.
We just-- everything-- just walking
around, like, "Got it. Got it.
Hello. Got it."
Why? Do you ever go through the photos
in your phone? They're not that great.
They're really not.
It's, like, "Why are there
12 pictures of pancakes in a row?"
"Uh, I don't know.
Just putting together
a little pancake exhibition, you know.
I'm an artist."
It's gonna change things.
What's an attorney if every thing's
recorded, you know?
Really. Eventually, it'll be a guy who
just wheels in a screen and everyone goes,
-"Well, looks like you did it."
-[laughter]
"You know, thanks for coming in.
Watch your Twitter feed for your sentence.
That's how we do it now."
I mean, I guess that's a benefit, but I...
I don't know how people feel anymore.
Do you have that inside of you?
Like, we have all this ability
as human beings to communicate
with nuance and there's expression,
and subtlety, there's back-and-forth,
and we just send out a smiley face and go,
-"I hope that covers it." You know?
-[laughter]
There's a lot going in here but...
"salsa dancing girl." Uh...
[laughter]
I think I made my point.
"Are you ready?"
"No, I thought we were going bowling
and I feel a little under-dressed
for Flamenco dancing."
These little things, they pack
way too much weight, you know.
A period in the wrong place,
it can just ruin my day, really.
"You wanna go to dinner?" "No. Period."
[groans] I get it, I get it,
we're not going to dinner,
but can I say your period is unnecessary
and hurting my feelings.
I don't need it in my life.
There's enough finality,
and no, I don't need it, you know?"
We've ruined exclamation points.
People send four, six.
"Where are we going?
Ahh!!!!"
Just send one, it's not a scale, you know.
But if I send one
I feel like the other end is going,
"Is this sarcasm? What is this?"
This is how we meet people.
People always tell me, "you should
meet somebody on the Internet."
But they do with this attitude, like,
"I would never, but I think
that's a good idea for you."
-[laughter]
-Do you know people like that?
There are people in here right now,
on their second or third Internet date
just both looking straight ahead going,
"Please drop this topic."
They don't even want to
admit it to each other
but that's just how people meet
and it's OK.
I know these solid couples
who meet on the Internet.
You ask 'em, "How did you meet?"
This is what happens.
The women go, "We met on the Internet."
And then the men go,
"Please stop telling people that."
Now I think... I think it's because
the attitude is a little different.
When a woman
gets on the Internet to find someone,
correct me if I'm wrong,
but I feel, like, the attitude is,
"I'm just exploring my options."
When a man
gets on the Internet to meet someone,
do you know what the attitude is?
"I have depleted all my options.
There is nowhere else to go.
Let's search the universe
because that's all that's left.
It's just a Hail Mary pass
into the ether.
Is anybody open? Anybody?
Somebody catch that, please.
I'm not dating anymore, I'm data mining.
I'm just swimming
through ones and zeros, just..."
All my friends now are on these, uh,
location-based dating apps.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
When I say all my friends
are on these location-based dating apps,
what I mean is, I'm on all these
location-based dating apps.
[laughter]
We have all these devices constantly
broadcasting our location, right?
So here's what dating has become
in the modern world.
"Who's right here, right now?"
It's like we're hunting fugitives
on the run or something, you know.
"Set a ten-mile perimeter,
close all the roads.
She's got a five-mile head start.
Move it! Move it!"
It's, like, "Who are you interested in?"
"Everyone in a 100-yard radius.
Basically, I'm just not really into
long distance relationships."
"But what's your type?"
"Just people near me.
Just in the general area."
There's just this...
nothing romantic about it.
It's real people
with feelings and emotions
but just through your life so quickly.
How is this healthy, just--
"No. No. No."
Just a stream of human sorrow
one after another, like,
"Not good enough. Do you know who I am?"
[laughter]
"Maybe."
I signed up.
-Uh...
-[laughter]
...it changed my life.
I went from feeling
pretty good about myself
to feeling like a leper,
alone in a room, typing.
That's what it felt like, just,
"Oh, look, she likes the outdoors too."
I can't believe how many people
like the outdoors online.
It really blows my mind.
There are a lot of hypocrites
on the Internet at home
with carpal tunnel syndrome
typing about their love for hiking.
Am I wrong?
Maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know...
I tried speed dating.
If one rejection a week
isn't enough for you,
you should give this a go,
because 30 an hour is a real rush.
It really is.
It feels like...
[applause]
It feels like emotional
whack-a-mole to me.
It's just, like, "Stay down."
[laughter]
I believe in romance.
But I have to admit I'm not good at it.
I go too big, too early.
Do you know that guy?
There are a dozen men in here
right now going, "Sing it, brother."
[laughter]
The too big, too early guy!
Date two, you are on a horse drawn
carriage ride just both going,
"Well maybe a salad would have been
appropriate, you know."
We got this horse involved,
just like, clip-clop, clip-clop.
"What's your last name?"
"Clip-clop, clip-clop."
Putting too much pressure
on this conversation, you know.
Those horse drawn carriage rides,
they're all over Manhattan,
I feel sorry for the horse, don't you?
I was walking down the street
with a friend of mine,
who happened to be out of work, and we saw
one of these horse drawn carriage rides
and I said to him,
"I feel sorry for the horse."
Do you know what he came back with?
"I bet he's happy to just have a job."
-That's what he told me.
-[laughter]
That's the point you're at in your life,
jealous of the animals who are working?
-[laughter]
-He's got an attitude, like,
"These horse are coming over here,
stealing all our jobs."
It's time to tune-up your resume,
I'm afraid.
You're a horse and you live in Manhattan?
I have so many questions for you.
Where do you go home to at night,
you know?
In my head he's got a fourth floor
stable walk-up in Chinatown.
He's gotta clump up the stairs at 3:00 AM
and kicks open the door and he goes,
"I gotta get out of this city.
They told me if I can make it in Kentucky,
I could make it here."
[laughter]
[applause]
I went on a hot air balloon ride
with a girl.
I thought that would be...
romantic.
It's terrifying. It's not romantic.
There are all these obstacles.
You have to get up
at 5 o'clock in the morning
Did you know that? Hot air balloons,
they don't even work during the day.
I didn't know that.
We were finished at 7:00 AM
with our romantic experience.
Where do you go from there? "Do you wanna
hit Denny's? Is that what we should do?"
"Do you wanna take a 12-hour nap
and I'll pick you up?"
Those are all the options.
It looks peaceful and serene
from the ground.
I got up there and I realized,
this is panic inducing is what it is.
I have a death grip on a wicker basket
in the sky.
It's made of wicker!
Why are we flying around in wicker?
I don't trust wicker on the ground,
you know.
Have you ever sat on anything wicker?
This is the whole thing.
You just sit down and go,
"It's breaking, I can hear it breaking."
"Did you know your furniture's
made of weeds? Did you know that?"
It's a tiny wicker basket in the sky
By the way, everyone,
attached to a flame thrower.
-Is that a good idea?
-[laughter]
Who approved that? It's a deathtrap.
Where's the FAA?
I gotta take off my shoes
to board a flight,
but I can fly around on patio furniture...
[laughter]
...attached to a campfire? That's OK?
[applause]
And the basket is so small.
If you saw this basket in your kitchen,
this is what would go through your head:
"Bananas."
[laughter]
"We'll put some fruit in there
or something."
You'd never look at it and go,
"We gotta fly around in that, you know?
We gotta get some people up in the sky
in that tiny wicker basket."
And there's a man in there with us.
There's another person.
I've never been in any
romantic scenario ever and thought,
"If we had a stranger in the corner,
that'd really make this moment.
If there was just someone three feet away,
who didn't wanna be there."
[laughter]
[applause]
He's as far away as he can possibly be
and I can hear him breathing.
It's weird.
I don't like the guy.
He calls himself a pilot.
I don't know everything,
but that feels a little generous.
You don't even know
where we are going, do you?
Let's make a deal,
you tell me where we are going
and I will call you Captain.
I asked him, "Where are we going?"
Do you know what he said?
"I've got up or down. What do you want?"
What do I want? Down is what I want.
I'm terrified of your
flaming deathtrap in the sky.
It's the only form of transportation
once you land,
someone has to come pick you up,
and take you back to where you started.
Then you can get where you wanna go.
It doesn't work.
Someone invented it and said,
"We can fly." "Where?"
"We're working on that, you know?
And you're actually
being a little picky, frankly."
It's impractical, you know. No one's
ever said, "I gotta run to the store."
"Take the balloon."
[laughter]
"It's just sitting out there.
No one ever uses the dumb thing."
Did you know they crash every time?
Did you know that?
There's no landing in a hot air balloon.
It's only crashing.
In your head it kinda floats down
gently to the earth.
But that's not reality. No.
Reality involves an angle and velocity,
and it attacks the earth
like a wicker shovel
with just an enormous sail
just drug across the earth.
If you happen to survive,
you roll out and dust yourself off,
and go, "Happy Anniversary."
[laughter]
"Do you wanna get some eggs?
It's 7 o'clock in the morning.
Captain Crash said he knows a joint."
Someone told me
that the hot air balloon
became popular during the Civil War.
You remember back
when we used to write letters?
[laughter]
He said because they'd use it
to spy on each other's armies.
I don't know if that's true.
But I cannot come up with a scenario
where that is even possible.
How?
"They are right in front of you.
No, I think they can hear me too, I guess.
I don't know."
[laughter]
"They can definitely see me,
that's for sure.
This thing has 12 colors.
Where did you get this?
It says RE/MAX on the side.
OK, they are shooting at me now, so..."
Comedy is pretty tough.
Sometimes people don't like eight minutes
of straight hot air balloon material...
[laughter]
...and, uh, that puts me
in real tight spot, you know.
It just happens to be a subgenre
category of comedy
-that I'm very passionate about.
-[laughter]
One time someone complained...
to a comedy club manager.
He came to me and said,
"Will you go talk to these people?"
Then he said, "I can't wait to watch."
And he was laughing maniacally.
I go out and there's this couple.
Everything about them was stand-offish,
very cold.
They don't care for me.
It's apparent right away, which is fine.
You don't have to love me, right?
But this is what they said,
"We are hot air balloonists."
[audience gasps]
Yeah. They were for real.
They were personally, deeply offended
by the stance I had taken
on hot air balloons.
[laughter]
This is the state of things.
This is the sensitivity level?
Look, If I can't talk about
hot air ballooning, I'm quitting comedy.
I can't think of a more benign topic,
you know.
And I didn't wanna laugh at them
but they did call themselves balloonists.
I feel that gives me a little leverage.
And they looked at me and said,
"You don't understand our hobby.
It's recreational. And it's fun.
And it's safe.
And you don't get it."
I don't remember what I said to them.
I do remember the first thought I had.
"I have finally become the edgy,
boundary-pushing comedian..."
[laughter]
[applause]
[chuckles]
...that I have always wanted to be."
I'm out here talking about the topics
that no one else will talk about.
Sure, I'm pushing some buttons.
You know what I mean? I'm walking a line.
But I'm not gonna stand up here
and apologize for it.
If there are
hot air balloonists here tonight,
you can leave. I don't care.
[laughter]
I don't care about money.
Do you believe me?
I'd like to not care about money
but I'm sick of thinking about money.
Do you get to that point in your life?
I don't wanna look at my bank account.
You ever not looked at your bank account
for six months? You ever do that?
You go, "I know what's going in there.
I have seen this cycle before."
I'm gonna let that simmer for a while.
See what happens on the other end.
Around month seven,
you start giving out your card,
"You can try and swipe that. Sure."
I was thinking about getting Lasik surgery
for my eyes.
I wear contacts
and I was watching some ads.
I saw an ad, a $150 per eye.
That seems low.
[laughter]
I'm not into bargain surgery, you know?
I don't need to coupon clip
for a laser in my eye.
Here's the other thing, a $150 per eye?
Who's not getting the whole package?
Are you telling me a lot of people
are walking into the Lasik place,
walking out like Popeye
until the paycheck comes in.
"I could only afford to fix one.
Could you move over
to my right a little bit, please?
I'm just waiting on a check to clear."
[laughter]
It would be tough having vision
in only one eye.
Someone told me,
they got one eye surgically corrected
for long distance vision and kept
the other eye for near-sighted vision.
What kind of personal torture
did you create for yourself?
"I'm reading, I'm reading--
I'm driving.
I'm driving. I'm driving--
I'm reading again.
I'm reading. I'm driving.
I'm cooking, flight simulator.
Crossword puzzle, Frisbee."
[laughter]
I will do this as long as you will.
I recently went skydiving.
Yeah. The first time you go,
there are two methods.
You can go tandem or static line,
which means you have a line
attached to your chest
and they just kinda
kick you out of the plane.
Then the line pulls the chute for you,
you just float down alone,
and hope you don't land on a freeway.
-Or, uh...
-[laughter]
You know, behind enemy lines,
something like that.
That sounded scary
so I went with another person on my back,
which is also a unique situation in life.
I wasn't sure if he was on my back,
I was on his front,
like some sort of adult baby carrier.
Sitting there, like...
"Where we goin'? I need a nap.
Support my neck. My neck!
I'm a baby.
It's different if I'm yours."
[laughter]
-[applause]
-This...
This guy, he gave himself a title.
He called himself "tandem master."
I already know who the boss is.
Your title's unnecessary.
I'm gonna call you Roy
like your name tag says.
[laughter]
And we're gonna jump out of an airplane.
As we were flying up, he'd try
and keep me calm. He had this method.
He'd reach his arm around
and show me his altimeter.
Then he would lean up
and would whisper in my ear,
and he would go "8,000 feet.
Look how beautiful it is."
And I said,
"The only thing making me nervous
is all this whispering."
[laughter]
There were other people on the plane,
these solo jumpers.
I'm just talking to them.
I'm relatively calm.
Everything's fine.
One of these guys gets up,
he just lifts open a door
on the side of the plane.
In my head I think, "I know there's a door
on the side of the plane,
but I didn't know it was
a scenario where a guy goes,
"All right, there's the outside of the
airplane. It's totally available.'"
Then he goes, "See ya," and then he left.
He left an airplane like he was
going to get milk or something, you know.
It really messes with your head
when someone just kind of casually
saunters out of an airplane, right?
Like, your brain starts going,
"That man's gonna die,"
and then it goes, "So are you, stupid."
[laughter]
Five seconds later,
I have my feet out the door.
Tandem master says... [whispers]
"You remember everything I told you?"
I said, "I don't know who you are anymore.
I don't wanna be here."
All you have to do is keep your body
in this arch shape, right?
I know this because I went through
20 minutes of training
watching a VHS tape alone in a shed.
That's how I learned how to skydive.
Just sitting alone in a shed thinking,
"I'm really glad I signed that waiver.
That was a good idea."
And they know you'll panic, right?
So they give you these simplified words
to help you to remember
how to keep your body in this arch shape.
These are the words that they gave me,
"Belly button. Banana."
Now it means,
lead with your belly button,
go in a banana.
But it's just...
Can you just treat me
like a peer, you know,
for one day?
So I'm in banana formation
and I'm falling to the earth
with another person on my back.
Two seconds in,
my contacts are ripped out of my face.
-Now...
-[laughter]
[chuckles] I have never had a thought
in my life, like,
"Maybe one day there's going to be
a force of wind on my face
that's gonna tear things out of my eyes.
So, you know, just be ready."
And when it happens,
it happens very quickly.
It's like, "There they go.
Okay, they're gone, so..."
Let's reevaluate because I can't see.
Now I'm wearing goggles
but the goggles are too big
and stuff's coming through the goggles.
But since I'm wearing goggles,
I can see my contacts.
They are just sitting inside.
They are kind of staring back at me.
Here's what going through my head
as I'm falling to the earth,
"Those are going to be dry.
Those are never going back in my face."
I felt like they were accusing me, like,
"What did you get us into?"
"I'm so sorry,
I don't wanna be here either."
"Who's that guy
peering over your shoulder?"
"He's all we've got."
"Belly button. Banana."
[laughter]
-And then...
-[applause]
-[cheers]
-[whooping]
He pulls our chute, we are floating down.
He leans up and whispers,
"Look how beautiful it is."
And I said, "I can't see anything.
And I might have wet our pants."
Then we landed and I just ran away.
I didn't know what to do.
[laughter]
I was scared, I wanted to be alone.
I didn't have pants
and I couldn't see very well but I ran.
And I ran a long time and I ran hard.
And then I realized he was
right there with me. I mean...
you can't really outrun a guy
strapped to your back like that.
It's very difficult but he was great.
He was shouting out directions and...
We've stayed in touch all these years.
He's become a dear, dear friend.
Every once in a while,
he sends me a postcard,
and I staple one to the back
and return it.
It's just a fun tradition.
-[man whoops]
-[chuckles]
This girl came up to me
after a show the other day about, uh...
eight years ago.
[laughter]
She said we went to third grade together.
I didn't even recognize her.
And then she said "I think
we should pick up where we left off."
And I pulled her hair and ran away.
[laughter]
-[applause]
-She...
Childhood is very funny.
We boil our lives down to our childhood
and often we have
a lot of shared experiences.
Every time I see a little kid
on a bike now, it takes me right back.
That was a big part of my childhood,
riding around my bike in my little town.
Every time I see a kid now,
he's always got a helmet and pads on,
which is strange to me
because when I was a kid,
the only bike safety I worried about
is if the kid riding on the handle bars
had a good grip. That's all I cared about.
Do you remember riding with it?
The driver can't see a thing, right?
"That's a curve, you idiot! Turn!
We're gonna die."
Next thing you know,
you are laid out on the street,
take a handle bar right in the gut.
Do you remember that pain?
[holding back tears]
"Someone help me get my mom.
I can't breathe.
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."
Your brother's laid out
on the street next to you.
"This is our Vietnam, brother."
[laughter]
Don't you think it's weird, as adults,
we never get the wind knocked out of us,
but as kids, I don't know,
four times a week, maybe, I mean...
If I got the wind knocked out of me today,
I'm 99% sure I'm calling 911.
"911."
[ragged breathing] "I can't breathe,
I don't know, I...
[babbles] ...and now I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna--"
[low groan]
[wheezing]
[gulps, clears throat]
[high-pitched moan]
[normal voice] No, I'm still here.
[laughter]
Listen, you're not gonna believe this
but it just went away.
No, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna
go do some laundry.
Thanks a lot. You can go ahead
and cancel that.
Kids don't care, you know. A kid could be
laying on the ground turning colors,
"He's purple. What should we do?"
"Give him a minute, he'll be fine."
He just fell off the fence post
the wrong way.
He's, like... [ragged breathing]
"I'm OK. This happens all the time.
This happened to me on Tuesday.
You go ahead. Go on.
Mississippi one."
[laughter]
Mississippi two.
Mississippi-- Get my mom.
Get my mom."
[laughter]
Do you remember the handle bars
after the accident? Do you remember--
They would never work right after--
Every time you try and take a corner,
you'd be like, "Nothing happened, right?"
Just riding around
with your alignment out or something.
"Check it out, I'm a Picasso
and I'm going to die."
Then you have to fix it.
Remember the technique? Only one way.
You gotta get off the bike, come around,
and you just clamp down on the front tire.
Just a...
[makes squealing sounds]
Kids are so tough.
I was way up on the top of this pine tree
with my kid brother once and he fell out.
He must have hit every branch
on the way down.
It looked like that great big Plinko game
on The Price is Right.
You know, just bam, bam, bam, boom.
Smacks the dirt, gets up and yells,
"Not it," and runs away.
-[laughter]
-You guys have been so great.
I really appreciate you comin' out.
Thank you very much.
-Good night, everybody.
-[cheers]
[whistling]
[applause, cheers continue]