Ryan Hamilton: This Just Hit Me (2026) Movie Script
[cheering and applause]
[big band jazz playing]
Thank you! Hello!
[laughs]
Thanks a lot.
That's very nice.
Thank you so much.
Oh, wow.
-Wow. That's so nice.
-[cheers and applause end]
[laughter]
Wow.
[music ends]
What's crazy about this moment is that
there are people here
who don't know who I am.
-[laughter]
-And that's 100% true.
And you were brought by people
who do know who I am.
And I know that there's a lot of pressure
on those people right now.
I know you really
stuck your neck out there.
And the people you brought really, truly
believed that they would recognize me.
And they're struggling.
And this is my life.
Thank you from
whatever camp you came from.
So happy you're here.
I, um
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
I've been eking it out like this.
A little word of mouth here and there.
I'm supposed to be a social media star.
That's the way the world works.
And you are too, by the way.
I don't care who you are.
It's coming for you too.
Want to be a decent dentist?
You better learn
to be funny online once in a while.
That's the world we live in. Wanna
straighten people's teeth for a living?
You better also shuck and jive on TikTok.
I have famous friends.
I don't know if that helps you.
People that if you saw me with,
you'd think, "That really surprises me."
[laughing] It surprises me, too.
Some nights I'm out,
everybody's shouting out names.
One night somebody goes, "Ryan Hamilton!"
Now I'll take just a moment to remind
a few of you that that's my name.
And I get excited by this because
I want to show my famous friends
that I've got a fan or two
out in the world, right?
And this guy walked up and he said,
"I know you from Google."
Which is oh-so deflating.
I mean, are we not all on Google?
What do you know me from,
my hot LinkedIn account?
Or what do you mean Google?
And then he said,
"Well, my name's also Ryan Hamilton."
"And every time I Google my name,
that face pops up."
[scoffs] And he said "that face"
like he didn't want it walking around
with his name, you know?
I go, "Do you know what I do?"
He goes, "I think
you're a stand-up comedian."
And I go, "That's what I thought."
"Have you ever seen anything
that I've done?"
And he said,
"I will never see anything that you do."
He didn't like
that I existed in the world.
I asked, "What do you do?"
But guess what? I already knew
because I Google my name too. And, uh
Yeah, this guy's about
seven Google searches down from me.
I mean, what a loser, right? So
[laughter]
I like this, here we are.
No screens. How does it feel?
-[cheering and applause]
-Yeah.
I know you want them.
I know.
No escaping it. Little things
floating around the back of your head.
"How tall is this guy?"
You'll never know because you won't
remember to Google that later. [laughs]
Even if you did, you go,
"I do not recall that man's name,
even though he said it so many times."
"Is that our Uber?"
And then it's gone forever.
This is real. We're interacting
as human beings. I love this.
This is rare.
We don't do this that often anymore.
You know?
I hope it lasts.
I really hope Things are fickle.
One day you'll be
walking through a museum,
there might be a guy in a glass case
with a microphone. You know?
This is kind of the comedian pose.
Like, "What's up with society?"
There'll be a little plaque
down at the bottom.
It'll say something like,
"Society was very anxious and distraught,
so much so that they would
actually plan their laughter together
at specific times."
"And they would gather themselves
in laugh rooms throughout the country."
"There were laugh leaders
who would try to encourage them."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
"But it was ironic
because they were often angry or sad."
"And"
[laughter]
"this is what the middle class
really enjoyed."
So nice to be with you, Seattle.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Let's begin.
I was hit by a bus.
Some of these jokes
don't have transitions.
It's weird to say you got hit by a bus.
People go, "What do you mean,
you got hit by a bus?"
"A bus hit me."
I truly meant it literally.
It's kind of physics after that.
And I didn't want a tragedy
to happen to me.
But once it happened,
I did want the empathy of a tragedy,
just to be honest.
But I realized with time that
getting hit by a bus is not a tragedy.
It's a comedy.
And I can I can prove it.
If someone says, "I got hit by a car,"
people go, "Oof, I'm so sorry."
But if someone says I got hit by a bus,
people go, "Oof"
[snickers]
[laughing] "How did you not see it?"
"I mean, they're so big."
"It hit me. I didn't hit it."
"And why did you
take the side of the bus so quickly?"
I've only met a few people
who've been hit by a bus.
[giggling] And I only met them
since I was hit by a bus.
Because once you say
you've been hit by a bus,
people come out of the wall and go
[gruffly] "I was also hit by a bus."
"And we're family now."
"What kind of bus were you hit by?"
I met this one guy who got hit
by a double-decker tourist bus.
In New York City.
I'm even laughing at that.
I mean, that's hilarious.
On the hierarchy of buses,
that's up there.
That guy wins.
But so do those tourists,
because what an authentic tour that was.
"How was your tour?"
"It was so real.
We hit a guy. I don't know."
"How do they afford
to do that every time?"
It seems like a common accident,
because we reference it all the time.
Once you've been hit by a bus,
you'll begin to notice this.
People say stuff like,
"You gotta live your life."
"You don't know, you might
walk out of your house tomorrow"
[laughter]
Did I make that up?
I mean, it's just It's the most easily
accessible hypothetical death.
There are so many ways to die.
And I'm here to tell you,
live your life. Because
[laughter]
I don't know, you might get hit by a bus.
That's what happened to me.
Here's one.
People go, "Oh, I feel tired and achy."
"I was out so late."
"I feel like I got hit by a bus."
Do you?
Do you feel like you got hit by a bus?
I felt like that one time.
It was that time that I got hit by a bus.
[laughter and scattered applause]
And by the way,
it doesn't go the other direction.
I wasn't laying in front of the bus going,
"I feel tired," you know?
You don't get hit by a bus and go,
"I feel like I got hit by a bus."
You know immediately.
I mean, there's just so much evidence.
It's really hard to deny.
People go, "I thought we were friends,
but then you went
and threw me under the bus."
In my experience,
it's really difficult to get under.
It kind of ejects you out,
uh, away from the bus. [laughs]
And also, getting someone
low enough and throwing them
I mean, the timing alone is absurd.
Am I wrong?
People don't know
how to visualize it either.
They think a big city bus
with a flat front,
you know, like I was just splayed out.
"Hit the wipers, I'll be all right."
That wasn't exactly it.
I have to admit something to you,
just based on
the spirit of full disclosure.
I must admit to you
that it was a shuttle bus.
[laughter]
Are you disappointed?
Do you wish that
I was hit by a bigger vehicle?
In this moment,
for your comedic enjoyment?
It was a big shuttle bus,
I can assure you, if that helps you.
But I think you can understand
why I don't want to open with,
"I got hit by a shuttle bus."
I mean, it just
It doesn't land the same.
You know, people have questions.
"Where were they going?"
"I don't know."
"I know they were late."
"I know that
they didn't get there on time."
"I was also very late. I was"
Can you imagine being
a passenger on a shuttle bus
that struck a pedestrian?
I mean, what a wild range of emotions
to have to fly through.
[gasps] "Oh, that man's hurt,
did you see?"
"Oh, he's hurt bad, did somebody call?"
"Oh no, I feel terrible.
Oh, that poor man, oh no."
[laughter]
[laughter]
[sighs]
"What time is your flight?"
"We all have somewhere to be, do we not?"
"Everybody's got a life to live."
"You gotta get to the airport,
and I gotta get to the hospital."
"I mean, we're all
busy, busy, busy, busy bees."
"Busy, busy bees."
You want to hear about my injuries? Okay.
This arm was broken, hilarious.
Actually, it was my humerus,
but I refuse to make that joke.
-Ten broken ribs
-[audience exclaims]
which seems like a lot, and it is.
I didn't even know I had that many,
to be honest.
If you'd asked,
"How many ribs you have?" I'd have gone,
"I dunno, how many did Tom and Jerry
have when they get electrocuted?"
"How many is that?"
Turns out there are 12, did you know that?
I broke most of them.
I wish that I'd broken all of them,
I was so close.
I-I-I I was right there.
Then when people go,
"How many ribs did you break?" I'd go,
"All of them."
But I can't say that.
I go, "Ten," and then people go,
"How many are there?
That seems like so many."
-Punctured and collapsed lung.
-[man] Oh!
And that one gets people to gasp,
and I think that's
the appropriate reaction,
because that's also what I was doing.
I was also gasping for weeks.
Some of these are harder to laugh at
than others, it's fine.
Somebody left the show.
She didn't even complain.
I wasn't aware that she left.
Someone from the staff told me later,
they asked, "Is everything okay?"
She said, "Well, I was hit by a bus."
And I get it, I was also hit by a bus.
If it was one joke, okay.
But I go on and on and on and on and on.
I mean, you can't sit through that,
that's traumatic.
But I don't know what else to do.
Can you imagine being a stand-up comedian,
getting hit by a bus,
and then not mentioning that?
I can't get hit by a bus
and wander up here and go,
"It's weird to get a haircut.
You know, it is."
But I have to take care of this now.
I remember the whole thing.
I wish that I didn't. I remember it all.
I stood up immediately,
which really freaked people out.
-I mean
-[laughter]
People did not like that at all.
People
People were very upset by that.
People were so upset that
even in my injured, hysterical state,
I understood that I needed to sit down
for the benefit of other people.
That's how upset people were.
There was a moment of clarity where
I went, "Oh, you're right, I'm so sorry."
"Have I been standing this whole time?"
"What a faux pas. I feel so silly."
I mean, nobody said anything out loud.
I could just hear
in their minds screaming,
"Sit down, you zombie,
you're scaring the children!"
"You got hit by a shuttle bus!"
But it was a big one.
I'm standing in the street,
and I think that my hand
is right in front of my face.
I'm looking for it, can't see it.
I know I'm holding it
in front of my face, but it's not there.
And I sense the bus driver
standing next to me.
He decided to stop eventually.
And he's on the phone.
But I realize he's not on with 911.
He decided to call his boss to find out
what the company policy is
when you strike another human being
who was in the crosswalk with the light.
-[woman] Oh!
-And I can't see my hand.
[wheezing] I can't breathe.
And that's when I realized
that my hand was behind my back.
[audience groans]
And that's the punchline
to that little joke.
I pull out my phone with my other arm,
and I start dialing 911,
and I can't figure it out.
And then I think, "I'm gonna change
my entire priority and not pass out."
And I walk across two more lanes
of traffic, in the crosswalk.
I sit down on a patch of grass,
and 911 starts calling me.
And I had this thought very clearly.
"This is an amazing service."
[laughter]
But it turns out that if you dial 911,
and all they hear is
[wheezes] "I can't see my hand"
[wheezing] "Can you call 911?"
[wheezes] Click.
They call that number back
over and over and over again.
And now I own a small shuttle bus company.
And
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. It's just a second career
I never saw coming. And, um
I'm a pretty benevolent boss. I've only
had to fire one employee, just one guy.
We just couldn't see eye to eye.
It happened New Year's Day.
Can you imagine? What a hopeful day.
Things turned around so quickly.
My resolutions went right out the window.
I just went, "Let's work on walking
for a while, I don't know.
"Maybe we'll put our new diet on hold
while we reassemble our skeleton."
"For the new year.
You know, new year, new me."
I never loved New Year's Eve,
but I really don't like it now.
Now there's this ridiculous countdown,
but it leads directly to trauma.
Three, two, one.
Shuttle bus!
[woman] Whoo!
They hauled me into the trauma unit.
They cut all my clothes off,
like you see on TV.
And I thought, "I just bought those."
I really thought, "How am I going to leave
the hospital if I don't have any clothes?"
And then they said,
"We need to conduct emergency surgery."
And then they added, "But it's up to you."
Which was really strange for me to hear.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't have
a lot of medical training. Uh
I don't know, I've put it off
and I've put it off, and
inevitably something happened,
and I found myself in a trauma unit
surrounded by surgeons
who needed medical advice, you know?
And I wanted to be a responsible patient.
I'm laying there half-naked,
feeling pretty vulnerable,
just looking my peers in the eye.
I said, "Let me take a look at my chart,
really quickly. Let's just see"
[woman] Whoo!
"what we've done up to this point."
[laughter]
I started asking questions.
I said, "Well, how bad is it?"
And they said, "Well, Doctor, uh
it's pretty bad."
Now, please excuse this little detail.
It's a bit graphic.
They said,
"Your bone came out of your arm."
And I said, "I had an inkling." Uh
"I wasn't 100% on that, but when you said
it out loud, it really resonated with me."
And then I asked,
"What should we do about that?"
They said, "We need to put
a titanium plate in there."
And I said, "I concur."
"But let me take a look
at my periodic table really quickly."
"Uh, I just want to make sure
that I know what titanium is."
And then I asked, "What are my options?"
And they said, "Well
you could leave."
You know, because on the one hand
I could leave.
But my other hand doesn't work.
[laughter and scattered clapping]
So I'm kinda going back and forth,
you know, and eventually I said,
"Let's just go ahead and do the surgery."
"I feel like I've done my due diligence,
and I don't think I'm going to be able
to put that titanium plate
in there by myself."
"I I don't even know where to get
something like that, to be honest, and
I just feel like I'm here, you're here"
"Let's just do it before it becomes
a scheduling nightmare."
So they haul me into the operating room,
but there's a delay.
And it's strange when
you have to have emergency surgery,
but not right right now.
They said, "You wait here,"
and I said, "I'm on a gurney."
Here's how I feel
about the emergency surgery.
I cleared my calendar.
I am available when you're available.
But I'm in the operating room,
alert, awake, alone.
There's nothing for me, you know?
It's not like the doctor's office.
There's no pamphlet like, "What to do with
your titanium plate when you get home."
It's stark, it's brightly lit,
it's cold, the drugs are wearing off.
Reality's setting in,
and I'm I'm a little scared.
I think the anesthesiologist
realized this.
He comes in, he's gripping my hand,
he's looking me in the eye.
He's telling me encouraging things,
and I fell in love.
And I'm straight, or I was, I don't know.
A lot happened to me
in a short amount of time.
I needed someone, he was a very kind man.
I woke up and he was gone,
and you can add broken heart
to my list of injuries that day. Just
A lot happened in a short amount of time.
[cheers and applause]
I just needed people in that moment.
And the nurses were amazing.
This nurse would come in every night and
she'd dab my face with a cold wash cloth.
And she was a bit unorthodox.
She'd go, "Oh baby."
And this was the highlight of my day.
And then she would go,
"That bus driver was a bad, bad man."
[laughter]
And I would go [moaning] "I know."
"Can I come live with you, please?"
I was in the hospital for five days.
You can't live there.
They discharge you eventually.
They go, "What are you going to do?"
And I was forced to say
[awkwardly]
"My mom's gonna come pick me up."
"She's gonna take care of me
all over again."
"She'll be here, you'll see."
My mom came to be with me.
I was so grateful.
You know, I'm from Idaho.
This happened to me in Los Angeles.
I live in New York City.
And it just seems like the kind of
accident that they warn you against
when you leave Idaho.
"Oh, you're going to the big city?
Look out for the bus."
Then I had to call my mom and go,
"Guess what, Mom? It happened."
And my mom's so sweet.
She said, "What, honey? Your big break?"
-[mixed audience sighs, groans, laughs]
-[Ryan] Mmm
I guess we could call it that, sure.
We lived in Los Angeles for five weeks.
I couldn't travel.
I'm very anxious, you know?
We're in hotel rooms.
I can't get over this.
The next thing on the hotel television is
The Muppets Take Manhattan.
I had this thought
This is a great way back into life.
I don't know if you recall,
the entire plot of that movie hinges on
Kermit the Frog getting hit by a taxi cab
in midtown Manhattan,
stalling his showbiz career.
There were just
too many familiar elements.
I dunno who was programming this channel,
but the next thing on was Speed.
And, uh
Life was weird.
We're trying to figure things out,
we're leaving town,
and, uh, I still can't kick this anxiety.
I had this thought, my mom and I together,
maybe we should try marijuana.
Now, I've never drank
or done any drugs in my life.
After the accident, it's changed slightly.
You can't get marijuana in Idaho.
Well, you can.
But I don't know the guy. And, um
But in Los Angeles,
you just put it into Google Maps.
So like a couple of desperado
bank robbers on the run,
my mom and I roll up to this dispensary.
I'm all banged up. [wheezing]
I go, "Mom, you do the talking." [wheezes]
We're at this counter. My mom says,
"This is a very nice establishment."
"We've never been anywhere like this."
"My son was hit by a bus."
"We're wondering if you might have
something to help him take the edge off."
The energy that I felt
from the other side of that counter,
I can only describe to you
as pure elation.
I mean, this
I believe that this woman felt
her life's calling was being fulfilled
in that moment.
The vibe was kind of like,
"The oracle will see you now." And
I went home with enough marijuana
to become the guy that you call.
It didn't really take for me.
I would use it to fall asleep,
then I'd bolt up
in the middle of the night
and just go [wheezing]
"Mom, call the lady in California."
[wheezing]
People said, "You're so lucky."
"You're walking and you're talking.
This could have been so much worse."
I don't want to come across ungrateful,
but I got to be honest,
I didn't feel lucky.
I wasn't laying in front of that bus,
going, "I'm on a hot streak."
You know what I mean?
"Isn't it wild?
This was just on my vision board."
You can't be grateful for a tragedy,
I learned,
but you can be grateful
that you have the tools and resources
and people to take care of the tragedy,
and for that I was very grateful.
But life is weird. I'm scared of things
scared of lightning, which sounds weird.
I mean, I've always avoided it. But, uh
I was out hiking,
and there was a bunch of lightning,
and I had this thought,
"You got to get out of here."
"You can't be the only guy
who gets hit by a bus
and also struck by lightning."
You know what
they don't call that guy? Lucky.
People said a lot of things. "You're going
to get a lot of material out of this."
And let me be the first to say,
not worth it.
I would rather have done many things
for the jokes, you know what I mean?
Maybe I coulda got married.
Maybe that would've been
a good way to progress my life
and get some material that's
a little more relatable to the people.
But
I got hauled off and hit by a bus
for the ha-ha's.
[chuckles] There were
some brighter moments.
There was this moment I realized
I was going to use my health insurance,
and that felt good.
I just had this thought,
"Here's where I get mine."
I'd be laying in the hospital going,
"Run it up!"
I mean, how often in life do you get
to blow right by your deductible?
And on January 1, how about that, huh?
-[cheers and applause]
-Yeah!
-That's right!
-[whistling and cheering]
Oh yeah [laughs]
I was livin' large!
Wind at my back and a glint in my eye!
'Cause I never used my health insurance.
I never know what to do. I call them up,
I go, "What do I do?" They go,
"Go find somebody in your network."
I go, "Are you in my network?"
"Do you want to start a network with me?"
They go, "We're gonna send you a card."
Do you have a card
that if you get hit by a bus,
you just pull it out and go,
"Do you know who these people are?"
"These people can help me."
There was this terrifying moment.
I was wrapped up in this burrito thing.
When you're in an accident like that,
they just go,
"We don't know what's broken,
get the burrito!"
I'm wrapped up tight,
I got a neck brace on,
all I can move are my eyes and my mouth,
and I'm just rattling along.
And they're asking me questions,
and I just feel like I'm nailing it.
I mean, I don't know
if it is the adrenaline or what,
but I have access to information
I don't normally have access to.
I'm having thoughts like,
"I need to retake the SATs right now."
"My mind is on fire!"
They go, "Name." I go, "Too easy."
"Health insurance." I rattle that off,
and then the man says,
"I've never heard of that."
Can you imagine
being wrapped in the burrito,
and that guy goes, "I've never
heard of your health insurance"?
"Oh, no!"
"How much for the burrito in cash?"
"No, I I can learn to live like this."
"This is on me."
"No, I never should have got hit
outside of the confines of my network."
Uh
"I just need to get back to my network.
They'll know what to do."
"I got a card, but it's wrapped up tight!"
I got a flu shot. That was the last time
I used my health insurance.
I use it for getting hit by buses
and flu shots.
I saw a sign in front of CVS.
It said, "Flu shots available here."
I wandered in, I go,
"I saw your sign out front."
"I have this card."
"I don't know if it means
anything to you, but
I have carried it
through the sands of time, and
I was hoping you could help me
decipher the hieroglyphics
on this ancient artifact."
And they go, "You're covered."
I was ecstatic.
I go, "What other shots you got?
Give me all your shots!"
And they go, "Go sit in the corner."
You know that blue chair in CVS?
The chair that you sit down in, you go,
"Well, I'm definitely sick now."
"I mean, there's no way"
"There's no way I'm not sick."
I've never seen an inanimate object cough,
but this chair has a fever.
This guy pokes his head out the door.
He's got one foot in the pharmacy,
the other foot he uses
to prop open the door,
then he leans in close and he goes
[whispers] "Are you ready?"
And I said, "We're not even
in the same room right now,
doctor or whoever you are."
And then he administered
health care to me right there,
and now he's my primary care physician.
He's all we got.
I ever have a problem, I just wander in.
I go, "Where's Ken? I got a rash."
"Here's my card. He knows who I am."
"We started a network."
I don't want to take movement
for granted anymore, I realized.
We don't move enough.
Isn't that a strange,
modern-day health concern?
I think it's going to baffle historians.
"What happened to these people?"
"They just stopped. We're not sure."
"They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel,
and that was it for them."
"We have evidence that they were
actually counting their individual steps
one at a time."
"That's how little they were moving."
"They were trying to get to 10,000
for some reason. We don't know why."
We have little fixes for things.
Did you get yourself a standing desk
for your work-from-home life? [laughs]
"We're not moving enough."
"Well, let's stand up and not do it.
How about that? Just"
A whole generation of people at work,
"I feel the burn, do you feel the burn?"
"Look at me over here.
I'm standing and I'm typing."
"The calories are just falling off of me."
"I got my blue lenses on,
and I'm a modern man."
"Somebody get me some protein!"
We spend our life like this.
I'm working on my posture.
Ever do this in the middle of your day?
Just go, "Oh, I'm an erect human being.
I had no idea."
Walking around, people go,
"You look weird."
"I feel weird, but I think
this is how I'm supposed to be."
Walking into rooms,
"At ease, everyone, at ease."
"I'm just working on my posture."
You ever see an athlete
or a dancer gliding through life,
everything's graceful,
proportioned, efficient,
and you just go, "Me too"?
They've had a lifetime
of core strengthening,
but if I roll my shoulders back,
I think it's basically the same.
I start out pretty good at 9 a.m.
I just kind of slowly devolve.
My day looks like
the Evolution of Man chart backwards.
You know, I'm just kind of slowly
becoming a chimpanzee by happy hour.
Like, "Let's go home before I protozoa."
I want to feel good.
I tried to give up sugar.
And you can't.
People say they gave up sugar,
but I think they have two problems.
I think they're still on sugar,
and they're liars. Uh
Yeah, I
[cheers and applause]
I think they're just dishonest people.
It's too prevalent.
There's sugar everywhere.
There's probably sugar in your pocket
right now.
It's wild.
I don't know
why we can't figure out nutrition.
It's never been easier to eat healthy
in the history of mankind, I think.
We have all the access,
all the information.
We look it right in the eye and go,
"No, thank you."
The most advanced civilization
to ever walk the earth,
hard pass on nutrition. Uh
"We're not ready yet.
Don't call us. We'll call you."
And we know what we're supposed to do,
do we not?
I get disgusted with myself.
I clean all the garbage out of my home.
I know what it is. I go to the store.
I buy the right stuff.
I'm so proud of myself.
$200 of very expensive groceries.
I come home, I stand back, and I go,
"I have nothing to eat right now, I"
"I am starving,
and I am not going to boil an artichoke."
"I'm not gonna do it."
"I don't know how to eat that.
It's got points."
"I'm gonna put a burrito
in the microwave like a man,
and I'm going to live my life."
I don't know why we can't figure it out.
Like, think about smoking.
How long have we been working on smoking?
Human beings invented fire,
and eventually we thought,
"Let's put it inside of our bodies."
Even in the '50s,
people taking drags, just
[inhales, then stifled coughs]
[choking] "I think it's healthy."
This is how I see smokers.
It's always really high. I don't know why.
"Follow me. I'm a smoker. Let's go."
"Keep your head low. It's dark in here."
"I'm gonna teach you how to really smoke."
People go, "Well,
I don't smoke anymore, Ryan. I vape."
"Mm."
"Well, you look like
a choo-choo train in the corner, and
you've got a lightsaber in your mouth."
"I don't want to be
the bearer of bad news,
but I feel like there might be
some health implications here."
"I mean, it looks worse to me."
"Have you seen
that slight kiss to the lips
followed by the industrial revolution
coming out of your face?"
[yells]
"Is that cherry? We're gonna die!"
"Why are you smoking cherry?"
I'm trying to take care of myself.
There are things
I've been doing my whole life
to take care of myself
that I've never really mastered.
I don't know how to get a haircut, still.
I'm not talking about giving.
I'm talking about receiving a haircut.
It's the same story.
Every time I go in, they go,
"Sit down, what are we doing today?"
"Oh, I-I don't know
how to talk to you. Uh"
I just launch into this diatribe. I go,
"I definitely want to go shorter. I"
"I'd like to take some of it off.
Does that make sense to you?"
The whole conversation
is happening through a mirror.
It's very disconcerting.
It's just two owls
staring each other down.
"You brought a photo?" Have you ever
brought a photo to get your hair cut?
Is that the most demeaning
moment of your life,
to just pull out a photo and go,
"I don't like the way I look, and, um"
"Well, I don't know
how powerful you are, but if"
"If there's any way that you could even
just nudge it in this direction, boy, I'd
I'd sure be forever grateful."
You don't
[cheers and applause]
Sometimes you get a bad haircut.
I don't think it's their fault.
I think it's my fault.
That's how I live my life.
"What do you think?"
"I didn't take a strong enough
leadership role on that project,
and, um, my communication skills
are severely lacking."
"I am very sorry
that this happened to us."
"I'm gonna go home, watch some TED Talks,
and I'll see you again in six weeks."
Because they want to give you
a good haircut.
They give you every opportunity.
They give you
the haircut review at the end,
you know that Twilight Zone,
Black Mirror moment,
where they put the mirror in your hand,
and they go,
"I'm gonna spin ya around now,
and you're gonna see something
you've never seen before."
You go, "Oh no, this can't be me."
"Do I not have one friend in the world?"
"I ordered the Bradley Cooper,
but this seems to be the Ichabod Crane,
if I'm not mistaken."
So physically I'm doing okay.
I'm feeling all right.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I'm middle-aged.
Did you feel the energy leave the room?
Nobody wants to talk about this.
Middle-aged people don't want to.
Young people think it's gross,
and old people aren't here.
So
It's really a topic for nobody.
Middle-aged people hold onto it forever.
Fifty-six years old, running around going,
"I'm middle-age."
Are you? Are you gonna live to be 112?
You're on your way out.
And so am I. Let's deal in reality.
I've been ascending in life
for a long time.
The ascent is exciting, because
it feels like you're making progress.
You're working towards a peak,
a pinnacle, a climax,
and then out of nowhere,
you begin a descent.
And it feels very different,
because all you can see is the end,
but you're also picking up speed.
What kind of cruel joke is this?
Why does life feel shorter at the end
than the beginning?
It's like a roller coaster.
All the fun's in the anticipation.
Just a click, click, click, here we go.
And then this part is like,
"When is it over?" You know?
"My back hurts."
No one's ever been on this part
of the roller coaster and thought,
"I hope it's longer."
Then you roll into that station,
and everybody's looking at you.
They go, "How was it?" You go,
"You gotta do it to know. I don't know."
But that's life. There is a moment in time
when it was like,
"This was it, a peak, there must be."
I don't know when it was.
I know it was in the past.
I know that much.
I also know this about that moment.
It was very subtle.
That moment doesn't make itself known.
You don't know
when the middle of your life is.
You could just be sitting home alone
chewing, and that was it.
Maybe it was that time
you climbed a mountain,
but it was probably when you fell asleep
on the toilet, let's be honest.
There are a lot more of those,
and you don't know until you die,
and then it's very difficult
to do the math backwards.
I'm Generation X, Gen X.
-[cheers]
-Yeah.
Well, we all have a little team now.
A little moniker that you're born into.
But this is new thinking.
It hasn't been really going on all that
long in the history of our culture.
Nobody in 1840 went,
"Were you born in 1810 or 1795?"
"Because, I don't know,
I feel like we're very different."
No one in medieval Europe went,
"I just don't understand my children."
"What is jousting? What is that?"
But this is how we live now,
and I remember when this started.
That's how old I am.
I remember when it began.
We named the greatest generation.
Actually, they named themselves,
truth be told.
And they were on their way out
when they did it, by the way.
They were about to die,
and they went, "Hold on, we're the best."
And then they died.
Here's exactly what happened.
There was a man named Tom Brokaw,
and if you know who that is,
it's a real room divider.
He was a newscaster.
He would read us the news.
You could read it yourself
in what were called newspapers.
These are wild to describe.
Huge, poorly-bound books
published every morning
for yesterday's news.
It would cover two-thirds of your body,
just to be informed.
In a pinch, you could use a newspaper
as a disguise. That's how big it was.
Or you could get it read to you.
There were just three of these guys,
three networks.
There was Tom and Dan and Peter,
all disciples of Christ, for some reason.
I don't know, just
These guys looked 65 their entire lives.
I don't know where they got them.
Tom Brokaw wrote a book called
The Greatest Generation,
but it was his generation.
Where does Tom Brokaw get off?
But nobody batted an eye,
because we really knew.
They'd been through some stuff.
They were born into the Great Depression,
widespread poverty.
We have poverty in our society today.
Not in this room, but we have it.
There are people here not eating organic,
maybe, but this was different. Uh
You know, they
[cheers and applause]
They didn't have shoes.
They were waiting in line for soup.
Is this still comedy?
I don't know, but it
It seems to have the rhythm of comedy
in moments, you know what I mean?
"Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump,
ba-soup," like that.
They went on to become young adults,
and they said, "Will you go to war?"
And they said, "We're feeling
malnourished, but okey-dokey."
And they just went,
and they were heroes, and rightly so.
But this trend continued, is my point,
and it's pretty hard to follow
The Greatest Generation with Baby Boomer.
We've been propagating the human race
since it began,
and then they were forced to go,
"It's our whole thing."
And now they're just a slur used by Gen Z.
I don't know if you've ever
been called a boomer, but it works.
Like too many slurs,
it's two solid syllables,
extremely prejudiced,
a little too fun to say,
and it will hurt your feelings.
But Baby Boomers,
they just take it in stride, don't they?
They just go,
"We don't know what memes are anyway."
"Please eat your dinner."
They just want to take care of us.
And we've attacked them.
And all those children they had,
that was my generation, Gen X.
We were undefined. We were a mystery.
We were a variable.
We were algebra.
No one knew what we were going to do,
and we didn't do much.
We had that one Nirvana song,
and that was it, really.
If you don't know
who Nirvana is in Seattle,
well, never mind.
Let's just say
[cheers and applause]
For you, let's just say Tom Brokaw
was the lead singer of Nirvana.
I think that's enough.
We were an interesting generation.
We wore a lot of plaid.
We looked outdoorsy, but we stayed inside.
The Internet was new. We talked about it
like we talk about AI now.
It was going to revolutionize everything,
change the world, take people's jobs
And it did.
And we did nothing with it.
We were right there.
We were of age, but we get no credit
for Meta or Netflix. That wasn't us.
We worked on the wrong problems.
We tried to solve pop-up windows.
They're still around,
but they were a real scourge for a while.
If you're of a certain age,
your Internet experience started
with the haunted, shrill shriek of AOL
and ended with ten minutes
of panicked closing windows. And
Gen X went on to solve
part of that problem.
We were lucky. We were
the first generation that had a war
and they said, "You don't have to go."
And we said, "Okay."
And we did not go.
And we could still buy a house.
And we were
the last generation to do that.
Millennials took a hard pivot,
and they put a shed
in their parents' backyard.
And they said, "t's called a tiny home,
but we're mortgage-free."
"We can touch both walls like a prisoner,
but we call it freedom."
Millennials,
such an outsized impact on society.
They really challenged us.
They woke us up.
They made us think.
They did a lot of great work
in the comments.
A lot of millennials won't laugh at that,
and that's called a silent protest.
But don't worry, I'm an ally.
And now there's Gen Z, which I think
is the most appropriately named,
in my opinion, because
I'm pretty sure they're the last one.
How long will this go on?
I mean, they will have children, but
What are we gonna call that generation?
The Hopeless?
They've been left nothing but anxiety
to raise their children with.
And they're angry. I don't blame 'em.
Gen Z came out of the womb,
looked around and went, "Who's to blame?"
"We seek retribution."
And yet they have no power.
That's a tough combo, angry with no power.
Being Gen Z must feel like calling
customer service your entire life. Just
"What is this antiquated system?
Where's the manager?"
"Representative!
Representative! Representative!"
[cheers and applause]
[laughing]
And now there's Gen Alpha, I'm told.
I don't know who's on the naming committee
but they don't miss a beat.
Alpha means the beginning,
and we should start over.
Someone said to me,
"You look young from far away."
I think it's the worst compliment
that I've ever heard.
It has a real twist at the end,
doesn't it?
"You look young." "Yeah?"
"From far away."
"Wow, I did not see that coming."
"You are mean from up close,
is what you are."
"I don't like you from this distance, I"
"I prefer you from far away.
How about that?"
Things are happening. I fell down.
It doesn't carry as much weight once you
describe in detail getting hit by a bus.
But it was a significant moment
in my life.
I fell over a fire hydrant
in New York City.
I'm calling it an adult fall,
and I say this
because I remember as a child,
adults talking to other adults
about falling
in very hushed, serious tones.
Do you remember those conversations?
"Ryan, Grandma fell."
"Did you tell her to get up?"
"I fell six times. It's not even noon.
What do you want from me?"
But I understand now.
I had my own adult fall.
An adult fall stays with you.
Days, weeks, months later,
you wake up and go,
"Part of me has changed forever."
I fell on the streets of New York City.
People were around.
Everyone asked, "Are you okay?"
But can I make this point?
Not everyone meant it.
Two 25-year-old girls on the street go
[snorts] "Are you okay?"
I mean, there was zero empathy.
The words came out of their mouth,
but they might as well have communicated,
"I wish my camera was on for that.
That was spectacular."
What am I supposed to say
to two 25-year-old girls?
"Can you two petite children
take me to the hospital?"
"What are you going to do?
Go get a grown-up, quick!"
"Put the orange cones around me
and leave me alone."
I was with a girl when I fell.
[audience sighing]
I'll tell you the whole story.
[audience laughing]
I spend a lot of my life
sitting across the table from a woman
wondering if I'm dating her,
which means that I am not.
But in this case, I brought it up.
I said, "Maybe we should date."
She very kindly,
as gingerly as humanly possible, said,
"Maybe we should not date."
Which is fine.
I'm happy to have an honest conversation.
But then we left the restaurant,
and then I fell down. Now
my only wish for these two moments in time
is that there could have been
a little space between them.
Does nobody have my back?
Is there not one guardian angel
petitioning for me, going,
"Look, he threw a curveball at dinner.
None of us saw that coming."
"Is there any way that we can
push his adult fall by just a day?"
I could just hear God going,
"You know, I would love to,
but we've pushed this adult fall
as far as we can possibly push it."
"I'm very sorry.
There's simply nothing I can do."
"Anyway, he hasn't been
hit by a bus in months, and
he looks young from up here."
[audience laughing and clapping]
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you!
-["Mack the Knife" playing]
-[overlapping cheers and shouts]
Thank you.
[repeating] Thank you.
[crowd noise fades]
So, uh, thank you for being here.
My mom is here somewhere.
-Yeah. Right up there.
-[cheering and applause]
[Ryan laughs]
There she is. Oh, there's my mom!
Yeah.
High as a kite. No, I'm kidding.
[laughing]
She's never partaken in her life.
I had to clear that joke with her
just to make sure.
[music ends]
[big band jazz playing]
Thank you! Hello!
[laughs]
Thanks a lot.
That's very nice.
Thank you so much.
Oh, wow.
-Wow. That's so nice.
-[cheers and applause end]
[laughter]
Wow.
[music ends]
What's crazy about this moment is that
there are people here
who don't know who I am.
-[laughter]
-And that's 100% true.
And you were brought by people
who do know who I am.
And I know that there's a lot of pressure
on those people right now.
I know you really
stuck your neck out there.
And the people you brought really, truly
believed that they would recognize me.
And they're struggling.
And this is my life.
Thank you from
whatever camp you came from.
So happy you're here.
I, um
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
I've been eking it out like this.
A little word of mouth here and there.
I'm supposed to be a social media star.
That's the way the world works.
And you are too, by the way.
I don't care who you are.
It's coming for you too.
Want to be a decent dentist?
You better learn
to be funny online once in a while.
That's the world we live in. Wanna
straighten people's teeth for a living?
You better also shuck and jive on TikTok.
I have famous friends.
I don't know if that helps you.
People that if you saw me with,
you'd think, "That really surprises me."
[laughing] It surprises me, too.
Some nights I'm out,
everybody's shouting out names.
One night somebody goes, "Ryan Hamilton!"
Now I'll take just a moment to remind
a few of you that that's my name.
And I get excited by this because
I want to show my famous friends
that I've got a fan or two
out in the world, right?
And this guy walked up and he said,
"I know you from Google."
Which is oh-so deflating.
I mean, are we not all on Google?
What do you know me from,
my hot LinkedIn account?
Or what do you mean Google?
And then he said,
"Well, my name's also Ryan Hamilton."
"And every time I Google my name,
that face pops up."
[scoffs] And he said "that face"
like he didn't want it walking around
with his name, you know?
I go, "Do you know what I do?"
He goes, "I think
you're a stand-up comedian."
And I go, "That's what I thought."
"Have you ever seen anything
that I've done?"
And he said,
"I will never see anything that you do."
He didn't like
that I existed in the world.
I asked, "What do you do?"
But guess what? I already knew
because I Google my name too. And, uh
Yeah, this guy's about
seven Google searches down from me.
I mean, what a loser, right? So
[laughter]
I like this, here we are.
No screens. How does it feel?
-[cheering and applause]
-Yeah.
I know you want them.
I know.
No escaping it. Little things
floating around the back of your head.
"How tall is this guy?"
You'll never know because you won't
remember to Google that later. [laughs]
Even if you did, you go,
"I do not recall that man's name,
even though he said it so many times."
"Is that our Uber?"
And then it's gone forever.
This is real. We're interacting
as human beings. I love this.
This is rare.
We don't do this that often anymore.
You know?
I hope it lasts.
I really hope Things are fickle.
One day you'll be
walking through a museum,
there might be a guy in a glass case
with a microphone. You know?
This is kind of the comedian pose.
Like, "What's up with society?"
There'll be a little plaque
down at the bottom.
It'll say something like,
"Society was very anxious and distraught,
so much so that they would
actually plan their laughter together
at specific times."
"And they would gather themselves
in laugh rooms throughout the country."
"There were laugh leaders
who would try to encourage them."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
"But it was ironic
because they were often angry or sad."
"And"
[laughter]
"this is what the middle class
really enjoyed."
So nice to be with you, Seattle.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Let's begin.
I was hit by a bus.
Some of these jokes
don't have transitions.
It's weird to say you got hit by a bus.
People go, "What do you mean,
you got hit by a bus?"
"A bus hit me."
I truly meant it literally.
It's kind of physics after that.
And I didn't want a tragedy
to happen to me.
But once it happened,
I did want the empathy of a tragedy,
just to be honest.
But I realized with time that
getting hit by a bus is not a tragedy.
It's a comedy.
And I can I can prove it.
If someone says, "I got hit by a car,"
people go, "Oof, I'm so sorry."
But if someone says I got hit by a bus,
people go, "Oof"
[snickers]
[laughing] "How did you not see it?"
"I mean, they're so big."
"It hit me. I didn't hit it."
"And why did you
take the side of the bus so quickly?"
I've only met a few people
who've been hit by a bus.
[giggling] And I only met them
since I was hit by a bus.
Because once you say
you've been hit by a bus,
people come out of the wall and go
[gruffly] "I was also hit by a bus."
"And we're family now."
"What kind of bus were you hit by?"
I met this one guy who got hit
by a double-decker tourist bus.
In New York City.
I'm even laughing at that.
I mean, that's hilarious.
On the hierarchy of buses,
that's up there.
That guy wins.
But so do those tourists,
because what an authentic tour that was.
"How was your tour?"
"It was so real.
We hit a guy. I don't know."
"How do they afford
to do that every time?"
It seems like a common accident,
because we reference it all the time.
Once you've been hit by a bus,
you'll begin to notice this.
People say stuff like,
"You gotta live your life."
"You don't know, you might
walk out of your house tomorrow"
[laughter]
Did I make that up?
I mean, it's just It's the most easily
accessible hypothetical death.
There are so many ways to die.
And I'm here to tell you,
live your life. Because
[laughter]
I don't know, you might get hit by a bus.
That's what happened to me.
Here's one.
People go, "Oh, I feel tired and achy."
"I was out so late."
"I feel like I got hit by a bus."
Do you?
Do you feel like you got hit by a bus?
I felt like that one time.
It was that time that I got hit by a bus.
[laughter and scattered applause]
And by the way,
it doesn't go the other direction.
I wasn't laying in front of the bus going,
"I feel tired," you know?
You don't get hit by a bus and go,
"I feel like I got hit by a bus."
You know immediately.
I mean, there's just so much evidence.
It's really hard to deny.
People go, "I thought we were friends,
but then you went
and threw me under the bus."
In my experience,
it's really difficult to get under.
It kind of ejects you out,
uh, away from the bus. [laughs]
And also, getting someone
low enough and throwing them
I mean, the timing alone is absurd.
Am I wrong?
People don't know
how to visualize it either.
They think a big city bus
with a flat front,
you know, like I was just splayed out.
"Hit the wipers, I'll be all right."
That wasn't exactly it.
I have to admit something to you,
just based on
the spirit of full disclosure.
I must admit to you
that it was a shuttle bus.
[laughter]
Are you disappointed?
Do you wish that
I was hit by a bigger vehicle?
In this moment,
for your comedic enjoyment?
It was a big shuttle bus,
I can assure you, if that helps you.
But I think you can understand
why I don't want to open with,
"I got hit by a shuttle bus."
I mean, it just
It doesn't land the same.
You know, people have questions.
"Where were they going?"
"I don't know."
"I know they were late."
"I know that
they didn't get there on time."
"I was also very late. I was"
Can you imagine being
a passenger on a shuttle bus
that struck a pedestrian?
I mean, what a wild range of emotions
to have to fly through.
[gasps] "Oh, that man's hurt,
did you see?"
"Oh, he's hurt bad, did somebody call?"
"Oh no, I feel terrible.
Oh, that poor man, oh no."
[laughter]
[laughter]
[sighs]
"What time is your flight?"
"We all have somewhere to be, do we not?"
"Everybody's got a life to live."
"You gotta get to the airport,
and I gotta get to the hospital."
"I mean, we're all
busy, busy, busy, busy bees."
"Busy, busy bees."
You want to hear about my injuries? Okay.
This arm was broken, hilarious.
Actually, it was my humerus,
but I refuse to make that joke.
-Ten broken ribs
-[audience exclaims]
which seems like a lot, and it is.
I didn't even know I had that many,
to be honest.
If you'd asked,
"How many ribs you have?" I'd have gone,
"I dunno, how many did Tom and Jerry
have when they get electrocuted?"
"How many is that?"
Turns out there are 12, did you know that?
I broke most of them.
I wish that I'd broken all of them,
I was so close.
I-I-I I was right there.
Then when people go,
"How many ribs did you break?" I'd go,
"All of them."
But I can't say that.
I go, "Ten," and then people go,
"How many are there?
That seems like so many."
-Punctured and collapsed lung.
-[man] Oh!
And that one gets people to gasp,
and I think that's
the appropriate reaction,
because that's also what I was doing.
I was also gasping for weeks.
Some of these are harder to laugh at
than others, it's fine.
Somebody left the show.
She didn't even complain.
I wasn't aware that she left.
Someone from the staff told me later,
they asked, "Is everything okay?"
She said, "Well, I was hit by a bus."
And I get it, I was also hit by a bus.
If it was one joke, okay.
But I go on and on and on and on and on.
I mean, you can't sit through that,
that's traumatic.
But I don't know what else to do.
Can you imagine being a stand-up comedian,
getting hit by a bus,
and then not mentioning that?
I can't get hit by a bus
and wander up here and go,
"It's weird to get a haircut.
You know, it is."
But I have to take care of this now.
I remember the whole thing.
I wish that I didn't. I remember it all.
I stood up immediately,
which really freaked people out.
-I mean
-[laughter]
People did not like that at all.
People
People were very upset by that.
People were so upset that
even in my injured, hysterical state,
I understood that I needed to sit down
for the benefit of other people.
That's how upset people were.
There was a moment of clarity where
I went, "Oh, you're right, I'm so sorry."
"Have I been standing this whole time?"
"What a faux pas. I feel so silly."
I mean, nobody said anything out loud.
I could just hear
in their minds screaming,
"Sit down, you zombie,
you're scaring the children!"
"You got hit by a shuttle bus!"
But it was a big one.
I'm standing in the street,
and I think that my hand
is right in front of my face.
I'm looking for it, can't see it.
I know I'm holding it
in front of my face, but it's not there.
And I sense the bus driver
standing next to me.
He decided to stop eventually.
And he's on the phone.
But I realize he's not on with 911.
He decided to call his boss to find out
what the company policy is
when you strike another human being
who was in the crosswalk with the light.
-[woman] Oh!
-And I can't see my hand.
[wheezing] I can't breathe.
And that's when I realized
that my hand was behind my back.
[audience groans]
And that's the punchline
to that little joke.
I pull out my phone with my other arm,
and I start dialing 911,
and I can't figure it out.
And then I think, "I'm gonna change
my entire priority and not pass out."
And I walk across two more lanes
of traffic, in the crosswalk.
I sit down on a patch of grass,
and 911 starts calling me.
And I had this thought very clearly.
"This is an amazing service."
[laughter]
But it turns out that if you dial 911,
and all they hear is
[wheezes] "I can't see my hand"
[wheezing] "Can you call 911?"
[wheezes] Click.
They call that number back
over and over and over again.
And now I own a small shuttle bus company.
And
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. It's just a second career
I never saw coming. And, um
I'm a pretty benevolent boss. I've only
had to fire one employee, just one guy.
We just couldn't see eye to eye.
It happened New Year's Day.
Can you imagine? What a hopeful day.
Things turned around so quickly.
My resolutions went right out the window.
I just went, "Let's work on walking
for a while, I don't know.
"Maybe we'll put our new diet on hold
while we reassemble our skeleton."
"For the new year.
You know, new year, new me."
I never loved New Year's Eve,
but I really don't like it now.
Now there's this ridiculous countdown,
but it leads directly to trauma.
Three, two, one.
Shuttle bus!
[woman] Whoo!
They hauled me into the trauma unit.
They cut all my clothes off,
like you see on TV.
And I thought, "I just bought those."
I really thought, "How am I going to leave
the hospital if I don't have any clothes?"
And then they said,
"We need to conduct emergency surgery."
And then they added, "But it's up to you."
Which was really strange for me to hear.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't have
a lot of medical training. Uh
I don't know, I've put it off
and I've put it off, and
inevitably something happened,
and I found myself in a trauma unit
surrounded by surgeons
who needed medical advice, you know?
And I wanted to be a responsible patient.
I'm laying there half-naked,
feeling pretty vulnerable,
just looking my peers in the eye.
I said, "Let me take a look at my chart,
really quickly. Let's just see"
[woman] Whoo!
"what we've done up to this point."
[laughter]
I started asking questions.
I said, "Well, how bad is it?"
And they said, "Well, Doctor, uh
it's pretty bad."
Now, please excuse this little detail.
It's a bit graphic.
They said,
"Your bone came out of your arm."
And I said, "I had an inkling." Uh
"I wasn't 100% on that, but when you said
it out loud, it really resonated with me."
And then I asked,
"What should we do about that?"
They said, "We need to put
a titanium plate in there."
And I said, "I concur."
"But let me take a look
at my periodic table really quickly."
"Uh, I just want to make sure
that I know what titanium is."
And then I asked, "What are my options?"
And they said, "Well
you could leave."
You know, because on the one hand
I could leave.
But my other hand doesn't work.
[laughter and scattered clapping]
So I'm kinda going back and forth,
you know, and eventually I said,
"Let's just go ahead and do the surgery."
"I feel like I've done my due diligence,
and I don't think I'm going to be able
to put that titanium plate
in there by myself."
"I I don't even know where to get
something like that, to be honest, and
I just feel like I'm here, you're here"
"Let's just do it before it becomes
a scheduling nightmare."
So they haul me into the operating room,
but there's a delay.
And it's strange when
you have to have emergency surgery,
but not right right now.
They said, "You wait here,"
and I said, "I'm on a gurney."
Here's how I feel
about the emergency surgery.
I cleared my calendar.
I am available when you're available.
But I'm in the operating room,
alert, awake, alone.
There's nothing for me, you know?
It's not like the doctor's office.
There's no pamphlet like, "What to do with
your titanium plate when you get home."
It's stark, it's brightly lit,
it's cold, the drugs are wearing off.
Reality's setting in,
and I'm I'm a little scared.
I think the anesthesiologist
realized this.
He comes in, he's gripping my hand,
he's looking me in the eye.
He's telling me encouraging things,
and I fell in love.
And I'm straight, or I was, I don't know.
A lot happened to me
in a short amount of time.
I needed someone, he was a very kind man.
I woke up and he was gone,
and you can add broken heart
to my list of injuries that day. Just
A lot happened in a short amount of time.
[cheers and applause]
I just needed people in that moment.
And the nurses were amazing.
This nurse would come in every night and
she'd dab my face with a cold wash cloth.
And she was a bit unorthodox.
She'd go, "Oh baby."
And this was the highlight of my day.
And then she would go,
"That bus driver was a bad, bad man."
[laughter]
And I would go [moaning] "I know."
"Can I come live with you, please?"
I was in the hospital for five days.
You can't live there.
They discharge you eventually.
They go, "What are you going to do?"
And I was forced to say
[awkwardly]
"My mom's gonna come pick me up."
"She's gonna take care of me
all over again."
"She'll be here, you'll see."
My mom came to be with me.
I was so grateful.
You know, I'm from Idaho.
This happened to me in Los Angeles.
I live in New York City.
And it just seems like the kind of
accident that they warn you against
when you leave Idaho.
"Oh, you're going to the big city?
Look out for the bus."
Then I had to call my mom and go,
"Guess what, Mom? It happened."
And my mom's so sweet.
She said, "What, honey? Your big break?"
-[mixed audience sighs, groans, laughs]
-[Ryan] Mmm
I guess we could call it that, sure.
We lived in Los Angeles for five weeks.
I couldn't travel.
I'm very anxious, you know?
We're in hotel rooms.
I can't get over this.
The next thing on the hotel television is
The Muppets Take Manhattan.
I had this thought
This is a great way back into life.
I don't know if you recall,
the entire plot of that movie hinges on
Kermit the Frog getting hit by a taxi cab
in midtown Manhattan,
stalling his showbiz career.
There were just
too many familiar elements.
I dunno who was programming this channel,
but the next thing on was Speed.
And, uh
Life was weird.
We're trying to figure things out,
we're leaving town,
and, uh, I still can't kick this anxiety.
I had this thought, my mom and I together,
maybe we should try marijuana.
Now, I've never drank
or done any drugs in my life.
After the accident, it's changed slightly.
You can't get marijuana in Idaho.
Well, you can.
But I don't know the guy. And, um
But in Los Angeles,
you just put it into Google Maps.
So like a couple of desperado
bank robbers on the run,
my mom and I roll up to this dispensary.
I'm all banged up. [wheezing]
I go, "Mom, you do the talking." [wheezes]
We're at this counter. My mom says,
"This is a very nice establishment."
"We've never been anywhere like this."
"My son was hit by a bus."
"We're wondering if you might have
something to help him take the edge off."
The energy that I felt
from the other side of that counter,
I can only describe to you
as pure elation.
I mean, this
I believe that this woman felt
her life's calling was being fulfilled
in that moment.
The vibe was kind of like,
"The oracle will see you now." And
I went home with enough marijuana
to become the guy that you call.
It didn't really take for me.
I would use it to fall asleep,
then I'd bolt up
in the middle of the night
and just go [wheezing]
"Mom, call the lady in California."
[wheezing]
People said, "You're so lucky."
"You're walking and you're talking.
This could have been so much worse."
I don't want to come across ungrateful,
but I got to be honest,
I didn't feel lucky.
I wasn't laying in front of that bus,
going, "I'm on a hot streak."
You know what I mean?
"Isn't it wild?
This was just on my vision board."
You can't be grateful for a tragedy,
I learned,
but you can be grateful
that you have the tools and resources
and people to take care of the tragedy,
and for that I was very grateful.
But life is weird. I'm scared of things
scared of lightning, which sounds weird.
I mean, I've always avoided it. But, uh
I was out hiking,
and there was a bunch of lightning,
and I had this thought,
"You got to get out of here."
"You can't be the only guy
who gets hit by a bus
and also struck by lightning."
You know what
they don't call that guy? Lucky.
People said a lot of things. "You're going
to get a lot of material out of this."
And let me be the first to say,
not worth it.
I would rather have done many things
for the jokes, you know what I mean?
Maybe I coulda got married.
Maybe that would've been
a good way to progress my life
and get some material that's
a little more relatable to the people.
But
I got hauled off and hit by a bus
for the ha-ha's.
[chuckles] There were
some brighter moments.
There was this moment I realized
I was going to use my health insurance,
and that felt good.
I just had this thought,
"Here's where I get mine."
I'd be laying in the hospital going,
"Run it up!"
I mean, how often in life do you get
to blow right by your deductible?
And on January 1, how about that, huh?
-[cheers and applause]
-Yeah!
-That's right!
-[whistling and cheering]
Oh yeah [laughs]
I was livin' large!
Wind at my back and a glint in my eye!
'Cause I never used my health insurance.
I never know what to do. I call them up,
I go, "What do I do?" They go,
"Go find somebody in your network."
I go, "Are you in my network?"
"Do you want to start a network with me?"
They go, "We're gonna send you a card."
Do you have a card
that if you get hit by a bus,
you just pull it out and go,
"Do you know who these people are?"
"These people can help me."
There was this terrifying moment.
I was wrapped up in this burrito thing.
When you're in an accident like that,
they just go,
"We don't know what's broken,
get the burrito!"
I'm wrapped up tight,
I got a neck brace on,
all I can move are my eyes and my mouth,
and I'm just rattling along.
And they're asking me questions,
and I just feel like I'm nailing it.
I mean, I don't know
if it is the adrenaline or what,
but I have access to information
I don't normally have access to.
I'm having thoughts like,
"I need to retake the SATs right now."
"My mind is on fire!"
They go, "Name." I go, "Too easy."
"Health insurance." I rattle that off,
and then the man says,
"I've never heard of that."
Can you imagine
being wrapped in the burrito,
and that guy goes, "I've never
heard of your health insurance"?
"Oh, no!"
"How much for the burrito in cash?"
"No, I I can learn to live like this."
"This is on me."
"No, I never should have got hit
outside of the confines of my network."
Uh
"I just need to get back to my network.
They'll know what to do."
"I got a card, but it's wrapped up tight!"
I got a flu shot. That was the last time
I used my health insurance.
I use it for getting hit by buses
and flu shots.
I saw a sign in front of CVS.
It said, "Flu shots available here."
I wandered in, I go,
"I saw your sign out front."
"I have this card."
"I don't know if it means
anything to you, but
I have carried it
through the sands of time, and
I was hoping you could help me
decipher the hieroglyphics
on this ancient artifact."
And they go, "You're covered."
I was ecstatic.
I go, "What other shots you got?
Give me all your shots!"
And they go, "Go sit in the corner."
You know that blue chair in CVS?
The chair that you sit down in, you go,
"Well, I'm definitely sick now."
"I mean, there's no way"
"There's no way I'm not sick."
I've never seen an inanimate object cough,
but this chair has a fever.
This guy pokes his head out the door.
He's got one foot in the pharmacy,
the other foot he uses
to prop open the door,
then he leans in close and he goes
[whispers] "Are you ready?"
And I said, "We're not even
in the same room right now,
doctor or whoever you are."
And then he administered
health care to me right there,
and now he's my primary care physician.
He's all we got.
I ever have a problem, I just wander in.
I go, "Where's Ken? I got a rash."
"Here's my card. He knows who I am."
"We started a network."
I don't want to take movement
for granted anymore, I realized.
We don't move enough.
Isn't that a strange,
modern-day health concern?
I think it's going to baffle historians.
"What happened to these people?"
"They just stopped. We're not sure."
"They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel,
and that was it for them."
"We have evidence that they were
actually counting their individual steps
one at a time."
"That's how little they were moving."
"They were trying to get to 10,000
for some reason. We don't know why."
We have little fixes for things.
Did you get yourself a standing desk
for your work-from-home life? [laughs]
"We're not moving enough."
"Well, let's stand up and not do it.
How about that? Just"
A whole generation of people at work,
"I feel the burn, do you feel the burn?"
"Look at me over here.
I'm standing and I'm typing."
"The calories are just falling off of me."
"I got my blue lenses on,
and I'm a modern man."
"Somebody get me some protein!"
We spend our life like this.
I'm working on my posture.
Ever do this in the middle of your day?
Just go, "Oh, I'm an erect human being.
I had no idea."
Walking around, people go,
"You look weird."
"I feel weird, but I think
this is how I'm supposed to be."
Walking into rooms,
"At ease, everyone, at ease."
"I'm just working on my posture."
You ever see an athlete
or a dancer gliding through life,
everything's graceful,
proportioned, efficient,
and you just go, "Me too"?
They've had a lifetime
of core strengthening,
but if I roll my shoulders back,
I think it's basically the same.
I start out pretty good at 9 a.m.
I just kind of slowly devolve.
My day looks like
the Evolution of Man chart backwards.
You know, I'm just kind of slowly
becoming a chimpanzee by happy hour.
Like, "Let's go home before I protozoa."
I want to feel good.
I tried to give up sugar.
And you can't.
People say they gave up sugar,
but I think they have two problems.
I think they're still on sugar,
and they're liars. Uh
Yeah, I
[cheers and applause]
I think they're just dishonest people.
It's too prevalent.
There's sugar everywhere.
There's probably sugar in your pocket
right now.
It's wild.
I don't know
why we can't figure out nutrition.
It's never been easier to eat healthy
in the history of mankind, I think.
We have all the access,
all the information.
We look it right in the eye and go,
"No, thank you."
The most advanced civilization
to ever walk the earth,
hard pass on nutrition. Uh
"We're not ready yet.
Don't call us. We'll call you."
And we know what we're supposed to do,
do we not?
I get disgusted with myself.
I clean all the garbage out of my home.
I know what it is. I go to the store.
I buy the right stuff.
I'm so proud of myself.
$200 of very expensive groceries.
I come home, I stand back, and I go,
"I have nothing to eat right now, I"
"I am starving,
and I am not going to boil an artichoke."
"I'm not gonna do it."
"I don't know how to eat that.
It's got points."
"I'm gonna put a burrito
in the microwave like a man,
and I'm going to live my life."
I don't know why we can't figure it out.
Like, think about smoking.
How long have we been working on smoking?
Human beings invented fire,
and eventually we thought,
"Let's put it inside of our bodies."
Even in the '50s,
people taking drags, just
[inhales, then stifled coughs]
[choking] "I think it's healthy."
This is how I see smokers.
It's always really high. I don't know why.
"Follow me. I'm a smoker. Let's go."
"Keep your head low. It's dark in here."
"I'm gonna teach you how to really smoke."
People go, "Well,
I don't smoke anymore, Ryan. I vape."
"Mm."
"Well, you look like
a choo-choo train in the corner, and
you've got a lightsaber in your mouth."
"I don't want to be
the bearer of bad news,
but I feel like there might be
some health implications here."
"I mean, it looks worse to me."
"Have you seen
that slight kiss to the lips
followed by the industrial revolution
coming out of your face?"
[yells]
"Is that cherry? We're gonna die!"
"Why are you smoking cherry?"
I'm trying to take care of myself.
There are things
I've been doing my whole life
to take care of myself
that I've never really mastered.
I don't know how to get a haircut, still.
I'm not talking about giving.
I'm talking about receiving a haircut.
It's the same story.
Every time I go in, they go,
"Sit down, what are we doing today?"
"Oh, I-I don't know
how to talk to you. Uh"
I just launch into this diatribe. I go,
"I definitely want to go shorter. I"
"I'd like to take some of it off.
Does that make sense to you?"
The whole conversation
is happening through a mirror.
It's very disconcerting.
It's just two owls
staring each other down.
"You brought a photo?" Have you ever
brought a photo to get your hair cut?
Is that the most demeaning
moment of your life,
to just pull out a photo and go,
"I don't like the way I look, and, um"
"Well, I don't know
how powerful you are, but if"
"If there's any way that you could even
just nudge it in this direction, boy, I'd
I'd sure be forever grateful."
You don't
[cheers and applause]
Sometimes you get a bad haircut.
I don't think it's their fault.
I think it's my fault.
That's how I live my life.
"What do you think?"
"I didn't take a strong enough
leadership role on that project,
and, um, my communication skills
are severely lacking."
"I am very sorry
that this happened to us."
"I'm gonna go home, watch some TED Talks,
and I'll see you again in six weeks."
Because they want to give you
a good haircut.
They give you every opportunity.
They give you
the haircut review at the end,
you know that Twilight Zone,
Black Mirror moment,
where they put the mirror in your hand,
and they go,
"I'm gonna spin ya around now,
and you're gonna see something
you've never seen before."
You go, "Oh no, this can't be me."
"Do I not have one friend in the world?"
"I ordered the Bradley Cooper,
but this seems to be the Ichabod Crane,
if I'm not mistaken."
So physically I'm doing okay.
I'm feeling all right.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I'm middle-aged.
Did you feel the energy leave the room?
Nobody wants to talk about this.
Middle-aged people don't want to.
Young people think it's gross,
and old people aren't here.
So
It's really a topic for nobody.
Middle-aged people hold onto it forever.
Fifty-six years old, running around going,
"I'm middle-age."
Are you? Are you gonna live to be 112?
You're on your way out.
And so am I. Let's deal in reality.
I've been ascending in life
for a long time.
The ascent is exciting, because
it feels like you're making progress.
You're working towards a peak,
a pinnacle, a climax,
and then out of nowhere,
you begin a descent.
And it feels very different,
because all you can see is the end,
but you're also picking up speed.
What kind of cruel joke is this?
Why does life feel shorter at the end
than the beginning?
It's like a roller coaster.
All the fun's in the anticipation.
Just a click, click, click, here we go.
And then this part is like,
"When is it over?" You know?
"My back hurts."
No one's ever been on this part
of the roller coaster and thought,
"I hope it's longer."
Then you roll into that station,
and everybody's looking at you.
They go, "How was it?" You go,
"You gotta do it to know. I don't know."
But that's life. There is a moment in time
when it was like,
"This was it, a peak, there must be."
I don't know when it was.
I know it was in the past.
I know that much.
I also know this about that moment.
It was very subtle.
That moment doesn't make itself known.
You don't know
when the middle of your life is.
You could just be sitting home alone
chewing, and that was it.
Maybe it was that time
you climbed a mountain,
but it was probably when you fell asleep
on the toilet, let's be honest.
There are a lot more of those,
and you don't know until you die,
and then it's very difficult
to do the math backwards.
I'm Generation X, Gen X.
-[cheers]
-Yeah.
Well, we all have a little team now.
A little moniker that you're born into.
But this is new thinking.
It hasn't been really going on all that
long in the history of our culture.
Nobody in 1840 went,
"Were you born in 1810 or 1795?"
"Because, I don't know,
I feel like we're very different."
No one in medieval Europe went,
"I just don't understand my children."
"What is jousting? What is that?"
But this is how we live now,
and I remember when this started.
That's how old I am.
I remember when it began.
We named the greatest generation.
Actually, they named themselves,
truth be told.
And they were on their way out
when they did it, by the way.
They were about to die,
and they went, "Hold on, we're the best."
And then they died.
Here's exactly what happened.
There was a man named Tom Brokaw,
and if you know who that is,
it's a real room divider.
He was a newscaster.
He would read us the news.
You could read it yourself
in what were called newspapers.
These are wild to describe.
Huge, poorly-bound books
published every morning
for yesterday's news.
It would cover two-thirds of your body,
just to be informed.
In a pinch, you could use a newspaper
as a disguise. That's how big it was.
Or you could get it read to you.
There were just three of these guys,
three networks.
There was Tom and Dan and Peter,
all disciples of Christ, for some reason.
I don't know, just
These guys looked 65 their entire lives.
I don't know where they got them.
Tom Brokaw wrote a book called
The Greatest Generation,
but it was his generation.
Where does Tom Brokaw get off?
But nobody batted an eye,
because we really knew.
They'd been through some stuff.
They were born into the Great Depression,
widespread poverty.
We have poverty in our society today.
Not in this room, but we have it.
There are people here not eating organic,
maybe, but this was different. Uh
You know, they
[cheers and applause]
They didn't have shoes.
They were waiting in line for soup.
Is this still comedy?
I don't know, but it
It seems to have the rhythm of comedy
in moments, you know what I mean?
"Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump,
ba-soup," like that.
They went on to become young adults,
and they said, "Will you go to war?"
And they said, "We're feeling
malnourished, but okey-dokey."
And they just went,
and they were heroes, and rightly so.
But this trend continued, is my point,
and it's pretty hard to follow
The Greatest Generation with Baby Boomer.
We've been propagating the human race
since it began,
and then they were forced to go,
"It's our whole thing."
And now they're just a slur used by Gen Z.
I don't know if you've ever
been called a boomer, but it works.
Like too many slurs,
it's two solid syllables,
extremely prejudiced,
a little too fun to say,
and it will hurt your feelings.
But Baby Boomers,
they just take it in stride, don't they?
They just go,
"We don't know what memes are anyway."
"Please eat your dinner."
They just want to take care of us.
And we've attacked them.
And all those children they had,
that was my generation, Gen X.
We were undefined. We were a mystery.
We were a variable.
We were algebra.
No one knew what we were going to do,
and we didn't do much.
We had that one Nirvana song,
and that was it, really.
If you don't know
who Nirvana is in Seattle,
well, never mind.
Let's just say
[cheers and applause]
For you, let's just say Tom Brokaw
was the lead singer of Nirvana.
I think that's enough.
We were an interesting generation.
We wore a lot of plaid.
We looked outdoorsy, but we stayed inside.
The Internet was new. We talked about it
like we talk about AI now.
It was going to revolutionize everything,
change the world, take people's jobs
And it did.
And we did nothing with it.
We were right there.
We were of age, but we get no credit
for Meta or Netflix. That wasn't us.
We worked on the wrong problems.
We tried to solve pop-up windows.
They're still around,
but they were a real scourge for a while.
If you're of a certain age,
your Internet experience started
with the haunted, shrill shriek of AOL
and ended with ten minutes
of panicked closing windows. And
Gen X went on to solve
part of that problem.
We were lucky. We were
the first generation that had a war
and they said, "You don't have to go."
And we said, "Okay."
And we did not go.
And we could still buy a house.
And we were
the last generation to do that.
Millennials took a hard pivot,
and they put a shed
in their parents' backyard.
And they said, "t's called a tiny home,
but we're mortgage-free."
"We can touch both walls like a prisoner,
but we call it freedom."
Millennials,
such an outsized impact on society.
They really challenged us.
They woke us up.
They made us think.
They did a lot of great work
in the comments.
A lot of millennials won't laugh at that,
and that's called a silent protest.
But don't worry, I'm an ally.
And now there's Gen Z, which I think
is the most appropriately named,
in my opinion, because
I'm pretty sure they're the last one.
How long will this go on?
I mean, they will have children, but
What are we gonna call that generation?
The Hopeless?
They've been left nothing but anxiety
to raise their children with.
And they're angry. I don't blame 'em.
Gen Z came out of the womb,
looked around and went, "Who's to blame?"
"We seek retribution."
And yet they have no power.
That's a tough combo, angry with no power.
Being Gen Z must feel like calling
customer service your entire life. Just
"What is this antiquated system?
Where's the manager?"
"Representative!
Representative! Representative!"
[cheers and applause]
[laughing]
And now there's Gen Alpha, I'm told.
I don't know who's on the naming committee
but they don't miss a beat.
Alpha means the beginning,
and we should start over.
Someone said to me,
"You look young from far away."
I think it's the worst compliment
that I've ever heard.
It has a real twist at the end,
doesn't it?
"You look young." "Yeah?"
"From far away."
"Wow, I did not see that coming."
"You are mean from up close,
is what you are."
"I don't like you from this distance, I"
"I prefer you from far away.
How about that?"
Things are happening. I fell down.
It doesn't carry as much weight once you
describe in detail getting hit by a bus.
But it was a significant moment
in my life.
I fell over a fire hydrant
in New York City.
I'm calling it an adult fall,
and I say this
because I remember as a child,
adults talking to other adults
about falling
in very hushed, serious tones.
Do you remember those conversations?
"Ryan, Grandma fell."
"Did you tell her to get up?"
"I fell six times. It's not even noon.
What do you want from me?"
But I understand now.
I had my own adult fall.
An adult fall stays with you.
Days, weeks, months later,
you wake up and go,
"Part of me has changed forever."
I fell on the streets of New York City.
People were around.
Everyone asked, "Are you okay?"
But can I make this point?
Not everyone meant it.
Two 25-year-old girls on the street go
[snorts] "Are you okay?"
I mean, there was zero empathy.
The words came out of their mouth,
but they might as well have communicated,
"I wish my camera was on for that.
That was spectacular."
What am I supposed to say
to two 25-year-old girls?
"Can you two petite children
take me to the hospital?"
"What are you going to do?
Go get a grown-up, quick!"
"Put the orange cones around me
and leave me alone."
I was with a girl when I fell.
[audience sighing]
I'll tell you the whole story.
[audience laughing]
I spend a lot of my life
sitting across the table from a woman
wondering if I'm dating her,
which means that I am not.
But in this case, I brought it up.
I said, "Maybe we should date."
She very kindly,
as gingerly as humanly possible, said,
"Maybe we should not date."
Which is fine.
I'm happy to have an honest conversation.
But then we left the restaurant,
and then I fell down. Now
my only wish for these two moments in time
is that there could have been
a little space between them.
Does nobody have my back?
Is there not one guardian angel
petitioning for me, going,
"Look, he threw a curveball at dinner.
None of us saw that coming."
"Is there any way that we can
push his adult fall by just a day?"
I could just hear God going,
"You know, I would love to,
but we've pushed this adult fall
as far as we can possibly push it."
"I'm very sorry.
There's simply nothing I can do."
"Anyway, he hasn't been
hit by a bus in months, and
he looks young from up here."
[audience laughing and clapping]
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you!
-["Mack the Knife" playing]
-[overlapping cheers and shouts]
Thank you.
[repeating] Thank you.
[crowd noise fades]
So, uh, thank you for being here.
My mom is here somewhere.
-Yeah. Right up there.
-[cheering and applause]
[Ryan laughs]
There she is. Oh, there's my mom!
Yeah.
High as a kite. No, I'm kidding.
[laughing]
She's never partaken in her life.
I had to clear that joke with her
just to make sure.
[music ends]