Rye Lane (2023) Movie Script
1
Where is it? Huh?
Come on. Where is it?
Shit.
You're so cute.
Oh, no. Silver is the new Bitcoin.
I'm telling you. It's going to the moon.
I'll see you in Monaco.
Oh, my God!
Why?
You're such a knob. Such a knob.
Uh, you're being pathetic.
Get a grip. Get a grip.
- Hello?
Hello.
This is the gents.
No. Actually, it's unisex.
Everything all right in there?
Yep.
- Fine.
- All right. Cool.
Cool.
Uh, just to let you know,
I haven't quite left yet.
I can't figure out how the...
- Oh.
It was-- It was the wrong tap.
Excuse me.
I'm trying to have a private moment.
- My bad.
It's not that private though.
Mouth. Oh.
- Huh?
- No photos!
- Oh, my God!
You're so annoying.
- How are you feeling for later?
- Good, yeah.
- You nervous?
- Not nervous.
- Don't be nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
- Anyway, where's Picasso?
Aight, boom.
Probably being his low-key, humble self.
Babes, we know more about
the planet Jupiter
than we do the inside of our own mouths.
That's facts.
Real talk,
the mouth is the Stonehenge of the face.
Mind fuck, right?
All right. Well, thanks for coming.
- My brother.
- Hey.
- Appreciate you coming, bro.
- Course, man.
Hey, love the photos. They're just so--
- Safe.
- How's sales?
Yeah, couple potential nibbles.
See the hoverboard-riding geezer?
This close to payin' a G for a shot
of my cousin Calvin's molars.
What's good, Wes Anderson?
You cool, yeah?
It's good to see you
out and about again, Dom.
- Good to be out and about.
- Everything's...
Oh, everything's wicked.
Yeah, I started Pilates.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Uh, workin' on my core, workin' on me.
You know, getting positive.
Aight. Do you, innit.
Cheers, man. Cheers.
Hey, so listen--
Shh.
You know what? I was about to dip.
Go mingle with some
of these sockless wonders.
- Uh...
- What?
You weren't about to bring up
Eric and Gia, no?
- Have you seen her latest post?
- No.
She's repainting walls
I already broke my back painting.
- Tryin' to erase I was ever there.
- It's just paint, my guy.
If it makes you feel any better,
from what I saw,
they were only doing the living room.
Thought you hadn't seen the photo.
Aight, look, don't prang out.
They had this paint-party-brunch ting.
But I only stayed for 45 minutes,
painted a tiny bit of a door,
ate half an almond croissant and bounced.
You went to brunch at our flat?
- Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore?
- Fuck!
You cool?
'Cause if you're gonna freak out,
I'ma sling a sign on you,
call it performance art.
You cool?
- Yeah.
- You're cool?
I'm cool.
Cool. Aight.
- Come here.
- Oh, shit.
Let me see what's up
with my girl real quick.
Be cool. Be cool.
This would look amazing in the boot room.
How you doin'?
Yeah, good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Cool.
So, whatcha think?
- The photos?
- Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Amazing.
They have a real, like, cerebral feel.
Cerebral?
Yeah.
Or maybe lyrical is a better way to--
Or expressive.
Wow. You know all the adjectives.
Now, this one, I fucking adore.
Yeah, I love the way
the tongue follows you around the room.
- So, do you know Nath or--
- Oh, I'm mates with his girlfriend.
Oh, cool. That's cool.
I know Cass. She's cool.
She is cool.
We met at work. Me and Nath.
- Oh, you're an artist?
- Oh, no. KFC.
Back in the day.
I don't work there anymore.
'Sup, my little fuck nuggets?
- Basking in your genius, dude.
Oh, please. Continue.
This one's pretty special, innit?
Yeah, man.
We were just saying exactly that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why don't you treat yourself?
Oh, no, bro, I just came to support you.
I wasn't gonna--
Oh, come on. Help a brother out.
People see you coppin',
might inspire them.
Look,
I know you ain't payin' bills right now.
Man must have bare peas saved up.
I think it's very you.
Uh...
Sorry,
I kinda feel like that was my fault.
No, no, no, no. Nath kinda seemed like
he needed the boost.
Plus, it's an investment.
When he blows up,
I'll sell it on for a fortune.
- Well, anyway--
- You going this way?
Yeah, I was gonna-- Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, guys!
I've got chillies here, guys.
Chillies red,
chillies gold, chillies green.
And I call them the traffic lights
of the chilli scene.
Hey, Uncle.
Ah! Here she is.
My hot cup of cocoa on a frosty mornin'.
I'll see you soon, okay?
- I'll be counting the seconds.
I've got chillies fresh...
It's Dom, right?
I'm Yas.
Nice to meet you.
Eh? Okay.
So, where you off to?
What errands has your mum got you
out here runnin'?
Oh, Nathan mentioned you don't pay bills,
so I figured you still live at home?
I'm back. Back at home.
"Back" is important, otherwise
it sounds like I never left, and I did.
Okay. Fair.
I'm actually cutting through.
Rye Lane Market?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Lucky for you, I'm going this way anyway.
So, what do you do now you've escaped
the clutches of the Colonel?
Like, with your post-KFC life.
Oh, I'm an accountant.
Boring.
Okay.
No free popcorn chicken,
but still, that's like a proper job.
Yeah,
it's not particularly glamorous.
- No.
- But I actually kinda love it.
So, is that
what you've always wanted to do,
or have you got yourself some thwarted
ambition burning away in ya gut?
- You know, you're very--
- Peng?
Refreshingly disarming?
- You ask a lot of questions.
- I'm interested in people's messes.
- What makes you think I've got a mess?
- Everyone has a mess.
Hi.
Okay. Um...
You know, I-- I think
I did always wanna be an accountant.
Is that-- Is that weird?
Don't ask me.
I wanted to be Prince when I was little.
Specifically, Purple Rain Prince.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I made myself a little costume
and everything.
So, are you the only wannabe accountant
in your crew?
All my mates thought they were gonna
be footballers or YouTube sensations,
chilling on private jets,
living extraordinary lives...
Oh, private jets not your ting, no?
Do you know how much
they cost to run? Terrible investment.
- So, what about you?
What do you do anyway?
Me? Well, I'm a YouTube sensation.
Nah, I work in fashion.
Hence the Prince costume.
- Exactly!
So you're like a designer or--
Oh, you saying I couldn't be a model?
- No. I just-- assumed 'cause you--
- Uh-- Uh--
- I'm fuckin' with you.
- Oh.
I am a buyer for an online brand
that you wouldn't have heard of.
But I wanna design costumes.
That's, like, the end game.
- Costumes?
- Yeah.
TV, films, music videos, ball gowns
to alien queens to anything the fuck else.
But do you know how much
these thieves wanna pay me
to be a bottom-level costume assistant?
I'm guessing not a lot.
Not a lot divided by fuck all.
Plus with your ting, the square root
of ten is always, like, what--
3.16-ish.
Okay. I'll take your word for it.
But I can't just wake up
and decide to be a costume designer.
I've gotta pay my dues.
And paying my dues means
not paying my rent
or being able to afford cute cocktails.
And I like paying my rent,
and I love cute cocktails, so...
Yeah, I know. I get that.
But I'll get there
eventually.
- Oh. Oh.
Just put your feet up.
- No. I'm okay.
- Okay.
- Oh!
Onwards they stroll.
Each step bringing them closer
to their mystery destination.
Okay. But no judgments, yeah?
Mmm, sounds juicy.
- I'm not running errands.
- Yeah, we're past that, babe.
I'm gonna meet my ex
for the first time since the break-up.
Shit. And you're still calling it
"the" break-up, meaning it's fresh?
Three months.
But we were goin' out for six years.
Six years?
You could've become
a fully qualified architect in that time.
Yeah. It was pretty bad.
It is pretty bad.
I went through the same sort of thing
not too long ago.
Yeah?
We were only together
for a year and a bit though--
Did you wake up every day and lie there
trying to muster the energy to breathe?
No. 'Cause I finished with him,
so I just felt kind of relieved
and empowered afterwards, you know?
He was tryin' to dilute my squash,
and I was like,
"Not today, Satan."
I'm sorry. Sorry.
No, no, no, no. I'm happy for you.
Must be nice being on that side of it,
not that I'll ever know.
Hey, hey, I believe in your ability to
completely destroy someone's life one day.
- Thanks.
- Mmm.
Aight, so, she broke up with you.
I know that much already.
Actually, it's still pretty hard
to talk about the details, so...
Oh, okay, sorry. We don't actually--
The bit that really hurts,
I thought we were fine.
We were better than fine.
We moved in together.
We had Hamilton tickets. Stalls!
It's a serious commitment.
Right?
So go on. Spill the tea! What happened?
So we were goin' to the cinema.
Oh?
I get there first, as usual,
and I go buy the snacks.
Mmm, stuntin' on 'em.
You don't even understand
how picky this girl is.
Hello. Hey. Um, can I get a number three
with a medium sweet and salt popcorn
and, um, a diet cola please?
Um, uh, but can the sweet be on bottom?
So it's like pudding.
I'm already ragin'.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, not too much ice in the drink.
Like an inch. Specifically, uh, an inch.
And you gotta understand,
I take cinema etiquette seriously.
Like, I won't go in
once the film's started.
You gotta respect the code.
- So, I call Gia.
Hey, hey--
Shit. Sorry.
Um, just about to send you a message.
I know how anal you are
about seeing the dumb trailers,
so just go in, and I'll be there in a bit.
But I figured maybe she had a bad day,
so I'm just like...
Okay. See you in a bit. Love you.
And that's when I see it.
See what?
No.
Wait.
Is that a dick?
- It gets worse.
'Cause even though it was low res,
I knew that dick.
That dick belonged to my best mate, Eric.
Yeah, eh, eh
Yeah, yeah
That is so dead.
So, what'd you do?
What do you think I did?
Eric! Eric!
- No, please--
Yes! Plot twist!
That is some next-level Omar Little shit.
I can't believe you did that.
Yeah.
I didn't.
That is one of the worst stories
I've ever heard.
I mean, not from
an entertainment perspective, obviously.
- It's a wonderful anecdote.
And you're just casually off
to see this girl now?
They wanna "clear the air".
-"They"?
- Yeah, Eric's gonna be there too.
No! Together?
Wild. [laughs] Wild!
- Wild!
Wild. That's wild.
That's what he does.
He drops it to the far post.
-It's in! What a finish! What a finish!
Today's pretty much the first time
I've been out the house in three months.
Besides work.
And Greggs.
I can't get enough of their sausage rolls.
- Yeah, like this.
- You're preaching to the choir, babe.
- Uh, me and my girls are addicted.
And now, we have Jeremy on the line,
who walked in on his parents having sex.
Yeah, my dad told me
he was looking for his contact lenses.
-I was like, "How'd it get there?"
And where is this, uh,
summit of doom taking place?
Il Giardino. There.
Used to be "our" place.
No. Absolutely not.
Text her, you can't make it.
We'll go to Laser Quest,
merk some eight-year-olds.
Tempting, but I think it's actually
something I need to do.
Like, I get what they did was peak,
but I have to take some responsibility,
you know?
Like, not at all.
You're gonna let them off the hook
after how they treated you?
Um, see, I don't think you're getting it.
This is part of the process.
The process of you rolling over
like a bitch?
Sorry. Too far.
It's fine.
Hey, why don't I come in with you?
We'll get tun up off caipirinhas,
show them you don't give a shit.
This is like a proper, actual life thing,
so no offence,
but I'm not about to take some random
in there with me, am I?
Okay. Fair.
But it was nice chattin'.
Hey, good luck with not being
a YouTube sensation.
Good luck with not havin'
an extraordinary life.
S-- Um...
Thanks.
Turn your coaster green for meat
Turn your coaster red for no meat
'Cause who doesn't want some meat
- Silly one.
Oh!
- Hey, babe!
- My bro!
But only before 7.00 p.m.
- Good to see you, man.
Like happy hour
We got here a bit early,
and Eric was hungry,
so we ordered some bits for the table.
- Okay.
- My belly was rumblin', bruh.
People thought it was
like a stampede of animals!
I was like, "No. It's my belly.
I'm hungry."
- Baby, chill.
- Oh.
So, how have you been?
Yeah, good. You?
- Amazin'. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, really, really amazin'.
Amazin'.
Oh, shit.
So, see that coaster next to you?
Keep it on green.
They just keep bringin' food over.
- It's just kinda mad.
- Yeah, I know. I've been here before.
Yeah, man,
I'm never turning mine red.
They'll have to carry me
out of this place.
Ooh. Try a croquette ting, man.
These make you cream!
I'm good. Maybe later.
We're so glad you decided
to come today, D.
Obviously, this isn't easy for any of us.
You must have, like, a million questions.
- Uh, no, I don't--
- Thigh?
- Pile it on, irmo.
That's "brother" in Portuguese.
We went for a long weekend in Lisbon.
So lit.
Yeah, you should go, actually.
We saw a lot of solo travellers, so...
- Thigh?
- I'm good, thanks.
G, you're not good.
Next time, get it anyway, and then
forward it onto my plate.
So, um, maybe I should start.
Basically, what we wanna come out of today
is just for us all
to move forward properly.
Mmm. Preach, babe.
'Cause there's gotta be
a shelf life on guilt.
Or is it gonna be a thing of every time
we see something that reminds us of you,
we're gonna be all...
Do you know what I mean?
Um...
Okay, yeah, I--
I think I do have a question.
Great. Go for it.
Why?
Why did you cheat on me?
'Cause we weren't happy, Dom.
People grow apart.
- They grow up. They change.
- Well, I didn't change.
I was talking about me.
I mean, this whole thing came
as a surprise to me too, you know.
Like, one day I woke up and I realised,
this just didn't make sense anymore.
But this did.
You can't mess with destiny, bro.
When the stars align,
the great conjunction happened--
- I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't--
- Sorry.
I was on a call with the New York office.
I was like, "I gotta go!"
And they were like, "No!"
Anyway... [gasps] You must be Gia.
Wow, girl,
your profile pics do not do you justice.
I'm Yas.
Hi. I'm Eric.
Ah. He of the low-res cock.
- My rep precedes me.
Geez!
Thank you. Smells amazing.
Sorry, I'm a little bit lost.
- You are...
- Yas. Dom's...
Well, we're not really labelling it yet,
are we?
But I guess we're just kind of
low-key fucking at the moment.
Uh, we're vibin', so, you know...
- Okay.
- Who knows?
Okay, I see you, movin' up in the world.
Not up.
Um, I thought we agreed--
I know what I said,
but I missed you, my sexy dumpling.
You guys don't mind, right?
- No.
- Mm-mmm.
No, I-- I love that you're here.
Um, we actually ordered some bits
for the table, so help yourself.
And try one of those croquette tings,
it'll make you cream.
Geez!
Anyway,
I wanna know everything.
Um, how-- how did you guys meet?
Oh, it's a pretty cute story.
Do you wanna tell it, bub?
No, you, uh, go for it,
bub.
You guys heard of Nothin' But A G Thang?
It's this fire hip-hop karaoke night.
Me and my girls were there
a few nights back.
And, you know, I was just chillin',
fighting off an onslaught of dead guys.
And just as I'm thinkin',
"Rah, there isn't a single decent guy
in this entire place," I hear...
- We have Yas! Come on!
Turns out one of my girls put
my name down as a joke!
How about
we have ourselves a little duet?
And it was just this immediate,
deep, animal attraction.
Palpable sexual energy crackling.
Everyone in the room could feel it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, really.
But, you know, calling it "a room"
makes it sound kinda small.
- We lit that place up.
- We love you, Dom and Yas!
- People were losin' their minds.
- I want your babies!
And there was just, like,
this sea of people.
- Like a mini concert.
- Mmm.
And when we finished,
the crowd started chanting...
Dom and Yas. Dom and Yas.
- Yas and Dom. Yam and Yas.
- Dom-Dom. Dom and Yas.
Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom!
Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom!
And they were screamin'...
Encore! Encore!
"Encore! Encore!"
They were gonna tear the place down
if we didn't go again,
- so we did, like, five, six...
- It was 20.
- ...more songs. It was wild.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's gotta be, hands down,
the greatest hook-up story of all time.
I have a question.
You did karaoke?
I guess you were right.
People do change.
- Lamb?
- Yeah--
- No!
- Thank you!
Oh, shit. D, guess what?
I got fired from the sports bar.
- No.
- Baby...
- Yeah.
...why you bringing that up now?
He used to work there. It's banter.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. You know how it was, like,
if you have to go to the staff loos
by going down to the basement?
Got tired of doing that.
So, I just started pissing
in Oasis bottles,
'cause you know that big rim, no spillage.
I stuck 'em all in my locker,
and I kept on sayin', like,
"Just empty it. Empty it."
And manager caught me with, like,
18 bottles of piss in there.
I tried to say it was apple juice.
But he was like,
"Nah, that's piss. I can smell it."
"Uh, yeah, it's piss."
I can't believe they fired you for that.
I know. They're, like--
They're super political there.
- Mmm.
- They're-- Yeah.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm struggling with something here.
You cheated on Dom with him?
- Excuse you?
- Yas--
No, I need to figure this out
because it's baffling.
You dumped this funny, clever,
successful accountant
for this jobless human bin-fire?
Oh, that hurts a little bit.
I mean, I get it, the arms are nice,
but what do you even talk about?
Are you gonna sit there
and let her say that shit to me?
Well, she said my arms are nice.
In hindsight, this was a terrible idea.
I was trying to give everyone some harmony
and allow everyone to live
in their truths, but whatever.
But you are living your truth.
You cheated on him
with his best mate from primary school.
St John's, Dunloe. Buckeye!
Buckeye-kye! La-la-la-la la...
You tricked him into believing
he'd found a person
that wanted to get to know him,
like, properly,
and instead of realising
what a gift that was,
someone baring their actual soul to you,
you got scared.
And so you clicked reset
and moved on with the closest
and least complicated option.
That is your truth.
And, by the way, your man swiped me
on Tinder, like, a week ago.
- What?
- Mmm. No, I didn't.
- I didn't swipe you.
- Give me your phone.
- Or anybody.
- Now.
- I didn't swipe her.
- Eric.
- Phone.
- It's on rest mode.
- It's on sleepy mode. It's off.
- Now.
Airplane mode?
I can't believe you just did that!
Did you see Gia's face when we were
tag-teaming the karaoke story?
She was shook!
I feel good.
Man, where did that come from,
all that stuff
about it getting too real for her?
Uh, don't know.
I guess just everything you told me.
Well, you nailed it.
It's exactly
what I've been wanting to say,
but I've been too busy rolling over
like a bitch.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- No, it's true though.
Oh, come on. I'm hungry.
I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
- I don't know--
- Come on--
No, listen, you just rode to my rescue.
It's the least I can do.
Anything you want, it's on me.
Fine.
Which way? Which way?
Which way?
Um.
I was thinking maybe there's this banging
burrito place in Brixton we could go to.
This way?
This way.
Time will only tell me an eternity
I remember the first time we met
You had my heart wanting
To disconnect from me
Hearing your eyes say to me
Come rollerblade with me
Show me the ropes
Hold tight and do not let go of me
It was autumn back in '93
The leaves were falling down
Ever reluctantly
You had your hair long
When the days were short
Babe, that outfit? Tens across the board.
Oh. Thank you so much.
Do you know her?
No, but she looks fire, innit?
What's up, man? Cool kicks.
What?
Dickhead, man.
Suck your mum.
Yep.
So, moving back
wasn't your first choice then?
No.
I tried the sofa thing, but it turns out,
I'm a man who requires sheets.
Ah, so you're in it
for the quality bedding.
Honestly,
it's like they never want me to leave.
They bought me a PlayStation.
My dad forces me
on bike rides all the time.
My mum literally won't stop makin' me
boiled eggs and soldiers.
Aw, you poor thing.
I swear I'm devolving.
You know, I can see you as a mummy's boy.
And my already fragile ego takes
another blow.
Oh.
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
-Why did you go?
Why is that bad?
I mean, for me,
a good relationship with your mum
is like the man equivalent of checking
a dog's got healthy gums on Crufts.
Well, in that case, I'll own it.
I am a mummy's boy.
Okay, it's less hot when you say it.
- Oh, shit, I haven't looked yet.
You trust me?
- Mmm.
- Yes, Colin.
We'll have two spicy porks
with everything.
Hot sauce?
You know it.
I'm sorry. None for me, thanks.
Um, how spicy is the spicy pork?
Like, out of ten?
Do you like spicy food?
Strong no.
Then, an eight.
In that case,
I'll change mine to the chicken, please.
Although, it says mild.
Is that mild-mild? Or...
Um.
Mmm.
You gonna answer that?
So, how was the blandest burrito ever?
Delicious.
- Hmm. Okay. Hmm.
Hey. Have I got food in my teeth?
Nope. Fresh.
How about me?
Squeaky clean.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, and change legs.
- So, you and your ex.
- Lift up. Two...
My favourite subject.
Were you two living
together then before you...
Uh, no. We weren't quite there yet.
Makes it easier, I guess.
Not having to chainsaw
the flat-screen in half.
There's that.
Plus, I doubt there'd be a lot of,
uh, bike rides
and boiled eggs if I rocked up home.
Four...
- That will be me one day, man.
- Five...
Couple rich ex-husbands,
menstruation a distant memory,
sat out in the park with both my legs
behind my head.
It's just beautiful.
Three.
- Four.
- That will be me.
- Five.
Old but still thirsty.
Six...
- Change your legs.
So, before the Eric stuff,
you had no idea you and Gia were done?
Nope. Thought we were all set.
Really?
There wasn't a single moment?
A tiny crack in the beautiful pottery
that was you and her?
I'm gonna need to think about that.
You go first.
When did you realise you
and your ex were done?
Oh. There were probably a shitload
of alarm bells I was snoozing through.
But if I had to pick a specific moment...
He don't wave at boats.
Say again?
If people on a boat wave at you,
you have to wave back.
It's the law.
Tourism funds sex trafficking.
Hmm.
What?
So apparently there are two types
of people in this world.
The ones who wave at boats
and the ones who hate joy.
Which one am I?
Haven't decided yet.
Oh, so, I have thought about
my writing-on-the-wall moment.
This still wakes me up at night cringin'.
Ooh, this gonna be good.
Okay, um, so, a while back,
for our anniversary,
I wanted to do something special.
So I booked the place we ended up at
on our first date.
Can't believe
I filled in my eyebrows for this.
- Late-night Morley's.
I thought it would be cute and romantic.
A sweet little throwback...
Hey-yo, boss man! I need chicken!
...but apparently not.
Hey, you're a lucky girl, aren't you?
Anyway,
that was the last grand gesture I tried.
Okay, I'm not even lyin', yeah?
That is literally my dream date.
In fact, if I had a restaurant,
I'd call it "Nuggets by Candlelight".
- No, but I'm not even joking.
- Loser.
How could she not find that cute?
I don't know.
But that is my side of the story, innit?
I bet Gia must have loads of
writin'-on-the-wall stories about me.
And there you go again,
trying to share the blame.
Well, I'm just saying,
what if they actually are meant to be?
- Gia and Eric?
- Yeah.
What if I'm the awkward hook-up story?
A funny anecdote
in a future best man's speech?
Wow. That is insanely forgiving.
I know.
Maybe you've just inspired me.
How chill you are about your ex.
Maybe it's time I tried that shit.
Hey. Not everyone can be this,
uh, progressive. Takes talent.
So, you were a grand gesture guy, then?
Big time.
I once hid chocolates
in my girlfriend's bed,
but they melted,
and she thought I shit myself.
- I won't be doing that again.
- Uh-huh.
We should go get a drink.
Definitely.
I'll make you miss your last train today.
Is it now?
- Mm-hmm.
No, but seriously, I can't.
But if you're havin' a good time,
you won't realise.
If I miss it, it's a night bus.
And if I'm lucky enough to survive that,
it's a taxi.
Not an Uber, a taxi.
Yeah, but sometimes you just gotta say,
"I'ma see what happens."
Like, fuck it.
No plannin', balls to the wall,
just go where the breeze takes you.
"I'ma see what happens"?
It's good for the soul, trust.
So?
I got time.
Can I get a cranberry juice,
a pint of lager
and a packet of salt and vinegar?
- Thank you.
Yas speaking.
Hey, this is Theresa from Upon Films.
The costume designer.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, sorry to do this, but we're gonna
have to shift you back half an hour?
Is that okay?
- You know what?
- That actually doesn't work for me.
- Thank you.
Is it cool if I reschedule?
Yeah, actually,
we were hoping to make a decision today.
-Sorry.
- Uh, okay.
- Love you. See you later, bye!
-Yeah-- Uh--
-Hello? Hello--
- Who's that?
- Oh, that-that was Cass.
How is she?
Yeah, yeah, better.
Thank you.
Hey, I was, um, I was meaning to ask you.
- Do you really recognise Eric from Tinder?
- Oh. [chuckles] No.
But you just know he's still on there,
huntin'.
I'm guessing you're not on the apps, no?
Nah.
It's Valentine's Day at primary school
all over again.
Oh, wait, let me guess.
Little Dom didn't get any cards.
- No. But you know who did?
Lewis Younge, who had pubes at nine
and would punch people
in the nuts for fun.
Why are guys like that
always called Lewis?
I know, right?
And now, everyone's only as good
as their profile pic.
We're back to Lewis Younge
and his drawer full of cards.
Oh! You still haven't told me
your break-up story.
Uh, it really isn't that deep.
No, no. You broke up with him
and didn't look back.
That's iconic.
- 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey.
- Stop. Shut up.
No, also-- also, dude, you met my ex.
Ah, oh. Okay. Fine.
We broke up
because of A Tribe Called Quest.
- Aw, fuck!
- Oh.
Hey, babe. How's your day been?
Mediocre with a sprinklin' of the entire
universe trying to fuck with me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Jules?
Nathan's mate? The sculptor?
That's your ex?
Oh, he doesn't just sculpt.
He calls himself an artistic polymath,
which is just another term
for being a cunt.
- But, yeah, him.
Things were getting kind of stale,
so I decided to try
and get things flowing again, you know?
Reawaken the magic.
Your breath.
That will be the homemade hummus.
- Listen.
You know how my head gets
when I've been working on something new.
I will take some of that hummus
on a cracker.
Please tell me you dumped his arse
right there and then.
- Yeah!
- Right?
- Right?
- Get rid of him.
Nope. I took a big L and got this prick
some fucking hummus.
I figured, a few sips of wine, some tunes...
- Wow!
Babe, feeling a bit
sonically sensitive right now.
So, do you mind turning that shit,
like, way down for me?
He called Tribe "that shit"?
You might wanna ration your disdain
because there's more.
Hi. You're blocking the TV.
Oh, okay.
- Interesting.
- Crocs.
- Oh, fuck. Sorry.
You know, I'm gonna forward you an article
about how hip-hop's promotion of violence
continues to perpetuate
problematic Black stereotypes.
What?
And that's when it hit me.
I had become basic.
So, there and then,
I came up with a simple ethos
to help guide me
through all aspects of my life.
If you make the hummus,
you should get the head.
What the fuck?
- Yes!
- Yes! Get in, get in.
So while that prick was washing
smooshed up chickpeas out of his pubes,
I packed up any shit I had around there
and bounced.
Only one snag.
In my rush to escape, I forgot--
No. Don't say it.
My copy of
The Low End Theory.
Do you know what?
You helped me with Gia.
I wanna do this for you.
Let's go find a record shop right now,
and I'll buy you a new copy.
That is really sweet.
But I don't want a new copy.
- I want my copy.
- Oh. [chuckles] Okay.
Why should he get to keep it? Especially
when he doesn't appreciate how good it is.
Have you asked for it back?
So he can make me jump
through a million hoops?
- No, thank you.
- I can go round. Ask for you.
Thank you,
but he would love that even more.
Plus, he's not even in the country, so...
Ooh!
- Ooh!
- What? What?
- Come on.
- Where?
- Come on!
- Oh. O-Okay.
- Yas, Yas.
- Chill.
- Hurry up!
And you're definitely sure he's away?
- Who's the girl?
- She was his life coach.
Apparently, she opened his mind.
And then her legs.
She's got some dumb name,
like Tabby or something.
That's a pretty dumb name, isn't it?
Or maybe not for a cat, but...
- What?
- No, nothing.
I'm just saying it's a dumb name,
that's all.
How come you still got a key
to Jules's place anyway?
I still got the key
to my year-eight locker on here, okay?
Damn. He must've changed the locks.
Like I'm gonna break in.
- Fiona and Steve!
- Huh?
My parents' next-door neighbours.
They always have a key
in case of emergencies. Oh.
Someone must have a key for Jules's gaff.
Come on. Are you coming? Come on!
- Yes.
Jules's mums.
Like, "mums", plural. Janet and Tanice.
Are you sure you're down for this?
Yeah.
Mums love me. Trust.
Okay, well, just chill and keep
them chattin', and I'll look for the key.
- What?
I thought you were gonna ask for it.
I can't walk up and demand the key.
- We're gonna have to chat to them--
- About what?
- I don't know.
- Hi, Auntie.
You're joking me. Yas!
- Tanice, look who's here!
You are a sight for sore eyes.
- Girl!
- Come here!
- Oh!
We were coming back from somewhere,
and I desperately needed a loo.
And then I realised
I was right by your place, so...
Oh, say no more.
Come in and do your business.
- And you're gonna stay for a drink.
- Who's that, then?
Oh, this is my friend Dom.
Room for one more?
Mmm.
You remember where it is,
and make sure you use the good soap.
- Yes.
Come, boy.
You'll never find
As long as you live
Someone who loves you
What's happening, everyone?
Tender like I do
Help yourself.
But not the Wray & Nephews.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm not really a big drinker.
Tyrese, come here, lovey.
Dominoes. Sick.
Oh, I'll leave you to it.
You're in my seat.
And that was obviously a mistake.
Hmm.
Oh, no, no, no. Auntie said--
Okay, maybe a bit then. Cheers.
- You like the tunes?
Oh.
Yeah. Definitely. This is a bop.
Wouldn't think it'd be your ting.
- Oh, no. No, this is specifically my ting.
Yeah. Like a Sunday morning
in Kingston type vibe.
- Jamaica. Not upon Thames.
So, what else you into?
Hip-hop, grime, trap,
bit of Motown after one too many of these.
Hmm. You sound like a man
who knows his music.
Pass your phone.
- Hmm?
- Let's put some of your joints on.
Oh.
- Oh, no, people seem to be en--
- Anyone mind if we change the music?
- No, go ahead.
- No.
Come, come. Come, come, come, come, come.
I don't think my phone's gonna connect
to the Blue--
PIN?
Yeah, what is it again? Um.
Two, one, seven, three.
But, listen, uh,
my tastes are pretty eclectic--
Don't worry, I'm gonna put it on shuffle.
I don't want to run away
But I can't take it
I don't understand
Oh. Obviously, this doesn't really have
a-- a party feel, so...
Some say love, it is a river
Sorry.
I listened to this one playlist
a lot after...
That drowns
Try it one more time.
The tender...
It's ridiculous.
Let it play.
Fortunately you have found
Someone who relies on you
We started out as friends
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my lady
Oh, okay.
Do you want another piece of chicken?
Yeah.
So, Peter. My guy.
Like I was saying a second ago, um,
we just need to get into Jules's flat
for like a quick minute.
To, uh, liberate Yas's vinyl?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
See? [clicks tongue] You get it.
You're old school.
- Old.
- Good old.
You know what?
I think I remember Tanice mentioning
somewhere special they keep valuables
and keys and such. Huh?
- That marga boy you brought round...
- Oh, here you go again, Auntie.
He ain't your type, baby.
Nah, he ain't.
- Give us a hand.
- Oh, don't-- don't worry.
- I'll take it in for you.
- Oh. Aw.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
The fuck am I doin'?
There must be some way
you and Jules can work things out.
It's never gonna happen, Aunties.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh. But why?
- But you were so good together.
- Go on. Yeah.
Oh, I see.
So you've set your sights elsewhere.
You guys are funny.
I've known him for, like, a day.
The only reason we're hanging out
is because I heard him cryin',
and I felt sorry for him. That's it.
What?
I really think you should.
- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Uh, no, I wasn't--
Um-- It--
- Tanice.
- I totally get how this must--
- Yes, babes.
- Uh, but...
- Peter said-- but, nah-- Auntie.
- What's going on, babes?
I caught this boy
going through your knicker drawer.
What? See, I knew there was something off
about you, ya little perv.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is not what I was doing at all.
See, I was trying to find the key.
What key?
What have you done?
Wow, so that got...
- Real.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
No, it's-- it's cool.
It actually was my fault. I was trying
to steal some of Tanice's pants.
I knew it.
We were so close.
Like, so close.
- I really thought we were gonna--
- All right, I heard you, okay?
Hmm?
When I was upstairs,
I heard you chattin'.
That was you in the toilet
back at Nathan's thing?
And that's why we're hanging out today,
'cause you felt sorry for me.
No.
Uh, kind of.
That makes so much sense.
But that wasn't the only reason.
I had an interview this afternoon
for a job doing costume
on a low-budget film.
I didn't know whether I wanted to go.
And then they called me to push it back,
and we were having such a nice time,
so I thought--
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why wouldn't you wanna go?
A film? That's amazing.
Well, this would be my fifth interview
since I finished my course.
I guess I wasn't really in the mood
for another no.
Well, it might've been a yes.
Maybe.
So, are we cool? With the whole...
Crying thing?
Hey, listen, if I, um--
If I get your number,
maybe we can chill again sometime or...
Definitely.
Next time, Laser Quest though.
Oh, you didn't enjoy kicking it
at my ex's mums' gaff, no?
Oh.
- I'm gonna call an Uber.
- Think I'll get the tube. Um...
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yas. I just had a thought.
That idiot Mona feeds Jules's succulents,
so she's gotta have a key.
You fancy borrowing the beast?
You all right back there?
Loving it.
So, this Mona who may have a key,
they run the karaoke night?
Yeah.
And just a heads up,
Mona can be a little bit... extra.
Fuck the government
And fuck Boris, yeah
I'm a villain
Killin' when I'm barrin'
Brothers in the hood
Just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' my whip
I phoned the boss to bring my car in
I could probably take your chick
But I just wouldn't 'cause she's jarrin'
Oh, I got the sauce
Don't know what you thought
Catch me up in the snow
In my sliders and my shorts
Chicks tryna get my brother Flipz...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I know the person who runs it.
Mona! Yo, Mona!
Uh, Dean, can you bounce this girl,
please? She's mad.
- What?
- Yeah, sure.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, jokes. Let her in.
Brothers in the hood
Just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' them whip
And get my boss to bring my car in
- Hey.
- Hey.
But I just wouldn't
'Cause she's jarrin'
Oh, I've got the sauce
- I don't know about that.
- We'll be in and out.
He won't even know we were there.
So speedy.
Yeah, and then what happens
if you can't help yourself,
and you end up doing something stupid,
like cutting all the crotches out
of his jeans or taking a shit in his sink?
Why would I do anything like that?
Right, here's the thing.
I'm just struggling to understand
what it is that I'm gonna get out of it.
How about the chance
to do the right thing?
All right,
it's not the fucking Avengers, darling.
- What do you want?
- That's on you, Yasmine.
But be creative, yeah?
Because I'm so unbelievably bored.
I'm stuck here with these posers,
dying of inertia,
while you two get to run around
and shit in people's sinks.
What entertainment are you providing Mona
in exchange for this favour?
Damn, this is some gladiator shit tonight.
- No. No.
- Do you want those keys or not?
Oh, my days,
this is gonna be amazing!
Okay. Say stop.
Stop.
Oh!
Fine. We can do that.
"We"?
Okay, our next victim.
By special request, we got Yas and Dom.
Where you kids at?
Just one second.
- What's going on?
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
- No, no, no.
You're the girl
who gives strangers compliments in shops.
I'm also the girl that ducked out of a job
interview today 'cause she was too scared.
I thought it was 'cause
we were having a nice time.
Yeah, don't worry. We got all night.
Honestly, Dom, this is crazy.
Just fuck the keys, fuck the record.
Jules can keep it. Let's just go.
Don't worry. I got this.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hey, how's it goin'?
I'm great.
No, not you
You, the bow-legged one
- Mmm.
What's your name?
Get off, mate. You're rubbish.
Damn, baby
Get out.
-That's sexy
Here I go, here I go
Here I go again
-Girls, what's my weakness?
- Men
Okay, then, chillin', chillin'
Mindin' my business
Yo, Salt, I looked around
And I couldn't believe this
I swear, I stared
My niece my witness
- I, um...
Wicked, wicked
Had to kick--
- Sorry, um...
Then I flipped for a tip
Make me wanna do tricks for him
Licked him
Like a lollipop should be licked
Came to my senses
And I chilled for a bit
Don't know how you do
The voodoo that you do
So well it's a spell, hell
Makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop
-Shoop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
- Whoo! Yeah!
-Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Um
You're packed and you're stacked
Specifically in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother
For a butt like that
Can I get some fries
With that shake-shake booty?
If looks can kill
You would be an Uzi
You're a shotgun, bang!
What's up with that thang?
-I wanna know, how does it hang?
Straight up, wait up
Hold up, Mr Lover
Like Prince said
You're a sexy motha--
Well, I like 'em real wild
B-boy style by the mile
Smooth Black skin
With a smile
Bright as the sun
I wanna have some fun
Come and give me some of that yum-yum
Chocolate--
- Were we just 110% fucking lit?
- I can't believe you just did that.
Hey, you're the one who just came on
and absolutely smashed it.
Uh...
Uh, I was trying to kiss you on the cheek,
and I missed--
- Were you?
- Yes.
Sorry.
- You can't be in there together.
Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
What are you doing?
I got over-excited.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Why is he following us?
- Go faster!
- Oh, shit!
- I told you. He ain't here.
Hey, hey. You gonna get the record or...
I gotta wee.
Okay, but just don't touch anything,
yeah? Fingerprints.
- Okay.
Da-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba--
That's how I imagine Obama smells.
Is that cedar-wood?
What is that?
A Mooncup.
- Probably Tabby's.
- Yeah, I guessed that.
Jules used to make me hide my tampons
in my make-up bag.
He has a thing. He says
it puts him off brushing his teeth.
That is wild!
Yeah, but apparently Tabby's just welcome
to leave her shit on display!
I need a drink.
You wanna a drink? I want a drink.
Yas. Yas? Yas!
Hey! Listen, we probably shouldn't--
Oh! That is a sexy V60.
I get it. You got a boner over his gaff.
It's nice. It's cute.
Yas? Yas, where you going now? Just--
I just need to check something. One sec.
- How is that even a sculpture?
- I knew it. She's fucking moved in.
- So?
Three months they've been together.
And look.
All of her underwear looks like this.
Seriously, you'd have to sew
15 of these together
to get the pants I'm wearing right now.
- Why do you care?
- I don't.
If she wants to be plagued by yeast
infections, it's none of my business.
- Shit! Come on.
- This way, this way.
- Fuck.
Nepalese or Peruvian?
Ah, I could murder
a seviche right now.
- Hon?
- Mmm?
Did you leave the lights on?
Must have been Mona.
Oh.
Ugh.
Uh, what the fuck is in my rice?
Is that my Mooncup?
Ugh, okay.
I do not get Mona's sense of humour.
Someone's here.
- Get your rape spray.
- They made me chuck it.
It was over a hundred mils!
- The fuck I'm gonna do with that? Fuck.
- Well, I don't know.
Yo!
Don't let me catch you up in this crib,
'cause I'll straight up end you.
- You get me?
- You should try and sound more scary.
What do you think I'm trying to do?
- Shh.
- Oh, God.
Surprise.
Yas?
- Hey.
- Wow!
As in your ex, Yas?
What is she doing here, Julian?
Puttin' Mooncups in my rice
and stealing your thongs apparently.
I wasn't stealing it.
I was actually just trying it.
- Well, now you've stretched them.
- My bad.
I have to give it to you, man.
You are tenacious in your madness.
I change the locks,
and you still find a way to break in
and bring your drama into our flat?
Our flat now, is it?
Yes, actually, this is our safe space
which you've literally invaded.
Hello. Hi. Hello.
Sorry, this is all
a massive misunderstanding.
We didn't break in.
We got the key from Mona.
And we only came to get Yas's album.
-The Low End Theory?
- Never heard of it.
Yeah, they probably don't play it
on basic bitch F.M.
Oh, wow.
Okay, that was really uncalled for.
Babe, are you gonna call the police?
Because I'm done with this toxic energy.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen.
The-- The record has sentimental value.
If we can just grab it, we'll bounce.
Listen, you seem like a nice guy,
so let me give you some free advice.
- Run.
'Cause she will ruin your life,
trust me.
That's unnecessary, man.
No. That girl is a human quagmire.
That's a bog.
- People know what a quagmire is, babe.
- Yeah, no. I know.
- But they might not understand your arty--
- Can I finish?
She will drag you down
into all her petty shit
till you're struggling to breathe.
My petty shit?
When we were together,
everything was about you.
How many gallery openings did I go to?
Or dead poetry nights, smiling along
as you and your artist mates talked about
how underappreciated you were.
You wouldn't understand
the creative struggle.
Okay, fine.
You know, she thought she was
gonna be a big-time costume designer.
Used to stay up all night,
doodling away in her little pads.
How is that going by the way?
Babe. Babe. He's trying to steal our shit.
- Little thief.
- Oh, come on, man.
You don't even care about this.
Just let her have it.
Oh, snap!
You're properly into her, aren't you?
Mate, she's already got you
breaking and entering.
You really think this is gonna end well?
Not just breaking and entering.
She had me rapping to a room
full of people earlier
and racing about town
on the back of a moped.
- Your mum's moped, actually.
- What?
They lent it to us after they caught me
sneaking around her underwear drawer.
Seriously, what is it with you two
and other people's underwear?
Yeah, that is a bit weird.
In answer to your question,
I don't know how today is gonna end.
But, as weird as it's been,
it's also kind of been
one of the greatest days ever, so...
Even being on the back of the moped?
No, I hated that.
Aw, that is actually really cute.
Are you done?
- 'Cause I'd like my property back now.
- It's not yours though, is it?
- Oh, seriously, don't be confused. Yeah?
- What's the--
Just 'cause I know how to rock a kimono
doesn't mean I can't fuck you up!
Hey, hey, hey. Listen.
You don't wanna fight me.
Your hands are your tools,
and I have a notoriously bony face.
So, we'll be leaving now, with the record,
but it was lovely to meet you both--
- Oh. Oh, my God.
I posed for that for weeks!
- Oh. Oh, I am so, so, so--
- Ah, fuck!
- Are you--
What are you doing? Why did you do that?
- Whoa!
- Stay away from my man!
- I don't want your--
- No! No!
- You're a psycho!
- What's your problem?
Everybody, please watch the fucking art.
You know, I actually felt guilty
about how it went down between us.
But now, I know I made the right decision
dumping your arse.
Yas? Yas!
Wait, I don't understand. He dumped you?
Yeah.
- But you told me--
- I know what I told you.
Come on. You loved that I dashed him.
You said I was iconic.
- That's what I thought actually happened.
- Me and you had literally just met.
I didn't think you wanted to hear
my whole sob story.
- You made me tell you mine.
- It didn't take much persuading.
No. Sorry. Look.
You're trying to turn this around
on me for being too truthful?
Fine. You really wanna hear
all the grimy details?
I sat around in the same pair of joggers
for weeks,
cryin' into Greggs sausage rolls,
leaving cringy, begging voicemails.
And as if that wasn't enough,
I accidentally liked a photo of Tabby
from five years ago on her mum's Facebook.
So, Jules told all our friends
I was a stalker,
and every single one of them,
except for Cass, believed him.
That's really shit.
But why wouldn't you just tell me that?
I'm not good at this, Dom.
Can we just go get a beer
and start over, please?
I can't.
Why not?
Because you lied to me from the jump.
At least Gia waited a while.
I'm not Gia.
- I know. I know that.
- I didn't fuck your best mate.
I just curated my shit a little bit.
Big fucking deal.
Maybe you should try it. Maybe then you'd
have a few more cards left in your drawer.
Maybe, but at least I'd still be real.
You win. God, there's nothing realer
than being in your twenties
and still wanking away in a single bed
at your parents' house there, is there?
Coming from the girl who literally
just broke into her ex's flat
so she could see him again.
This is wild. You're trying to make out
like I'm not over Jules
when Gia lives in your head rent free.
Hey, how about we go find a toilet
so you can have a big cry in it.
Sipping on my lemon and ginger
And I can count the times
Night bus! Whoop-whoop!
When things weren't wonderful
Whoop.
But worthwhile love is a handful
I mean when I say
You're beautiful
Don't waste your tears
On those images
You have too many years ahead of you
And not too many before you
Darling
Let go of the hurt in your heart
Baby, I've said from the start
I'm here beside you
Took too long to find you
I'm not goin' anywhere
I'm not goin' anywhere, no
Times have been hard
And in those instances
Our feet are trottin' broken glass
Don't forget
What we already have
We can keep going
But hold on to what we have
Dom.
Steve McQueen is a genius.
Facts.
Are you stalking me?
Y-Yes. No. No, I'm not stalking you.
Just, from behind, you kinda look--
You-- You look like someone, so...
Sorry, you don't care, and I wasn't
looking at your behind. I'm just--
It's so rustic here. I love it.
No, it's really cute.
It's, like, heroin-chic. I love it.
Darlin'
-Let go of the hurt in your heart
Baby, I've said from the start
I'm here beside you
- Oh, I-I like wine.
- Yeah?
Yeah. I'm on beer tonight, but...
Yeah, I noticed. That's okay.
Hello! Upon Films.
Hi, it's Yas. I have
a twelve o'clock meeting with Aman?
Is this where the big-time
costume designers hang out?
Congratulations!
Twenty years ago today,
Linda and Ken signed their names
-across each other's hearts.
- Dom?
Yeah. Cheers, mate.
This one's for you, Linda.
I love this smooth classic.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
- Please come. Please.
- No. No, leave me alone.
I don't need all this pressure
to go to Nathan's new show
- and be like, "Fancy bumping into you!"
It's just like, do I really wanna
put myself through that? No.
I don't need to be listening to him
bang on about his ex
whilst looking at a bunch of arses.
No offence.
Get ready to rock 'n' roll.
Mum, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine.
D-Do you wanna put that in the back?
No, I'm good.
Okay.
You know what? My boy.
Bye, Dom's mummy and dad. Love you.
Fine. Maybe I could have been a bit more
vulnerable, you know? Let him in a bit.
But that's a bit...
Like...
I used to believe in all that fairy-tale,
"Of all the toilets in all of London,
I walked into his" type-bullshit.
But that's not fate.
That's just poor bladder control.
I wouldn't mind the toilet, actually.
And also, it was day one.
I mean, I've had a longer relationship
with the woman who threads my eyebrows,
and me and her, well--
Well, me and her,
we don't really talk about anything.
I wasn't even that into him.
-I mean, was he nice? Yes.
Did I feel comfortable around him? Yes.
Was it ever going to work? I don't know.
Maybe, but that's life, and, you know,
I love being single. Like so much so.
- Course you do.
- Hmm?
You know, for a lad you're not that into,
you do talk about him a lot, love.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You do.
- So, I was thinking.
- I don't.
She's just been through this huge battle,
but she's also been
through an internal battle.
Do I?
You know, sort of figuring out
that this guy is actually pretty special.
This needs to be iconic.
It's the end of the movie.
He deserves, like,
some kind of grand gesture, you know?
We know more about Neptune
than we do about the human anus.
Yeah?
That's a fact.
Last night, I was at this soire
with the white brother from Twilight.
Yeah.
He was telling me
my next ting should be toenails.
- Toenails?
- Yeah.
You're such a knob.
Uh, sorry?
Sorry, not-- Sorry, not, just, uh...
Actually, not gonna do this again.
I'm leaving now.
Hey, babes.
I beg you, let me buy the hairy one.
- Not gonna happen, babe.
- Please.
- Absolutely not.
- Please.
No.
That's mine, in case anyone was wondering.
Nice.
It's okay, Dom. You can look.
Nah, I'm-- I'm cool.
- So--
- She's not here.
What happened?
You and Yas were annoyingly perfect
for one another.
Mm-hmm.
I don't think either of us were ready.
And, um, I guess she still isn't.
Oh, shit.
Babes,
they're bringin' out the new "canaps."
- Uh--
- Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go on. Go on.
Just have a sneaky look.
No.
It'll cheer you up.
Mmm, I'm not looking at your bum.
It's got healing powers.
Leave me alone.
That's mine, by the way.
- Uh, hey.
- Hey.
Um, I was prayin'
that you weren't gonna pick up.
Thought I'd be too busy
wanking away in my single bed?
Turns out, I was the wanker.
Um, a-are you at Nathan's show?
Yeah. But you're not.
Actually, I should be by any second.
Oh, cool. It'd be good to see you.
- Cheers.
- Yeah?
Turn around.
That's you, right?
I knew you were a boat waver!
Wait, is that you?
Yeah.
What are you doin'? You're miles away.
Come down and meet me.
Please?
Listen, I'm really sorry
for all the shit I said. I was a dick.
I was being overly sensitive.
Can you stop being nice? Please.
I'm trying to explain.
The thing is,
that day at Nathan's thing, I just--
I didn't wanna be sad anymore.
And so, I lied.
And then you called me iconic.
And I liked that you saw me that way,
so I kept on lyin'.
Come on. It wouldn't have mattered.
I'd think you were cool either way.
- Yeah.
I know that now.
Maybe we can start over.
Yas! Wait. Where you going? Yas! Wait!
I'm on a fucking boat!
Sorry. Sorry.
Why are you on a fucking boat?
'Cause I figured you deserve
the grand gestures for once, bub.
What's happening?
Right. Yeah, I didn't-- I didn't actually
check what route this is taking, so--
Stay where you are. I'm comin', okay?
I don't really have a choice.
And just so you know,
I still think you're iconic.
I'm coming, Captain!
Where are--
Hey.
Hey.
So...
- Do you wanna--
- Do you fancy-- No.
You-- You go.
I was just gonna say, do you wanna--
Go ahead.
I was just gonna say...
Do you wanna go for a stroll?
Yeah.
But you do have to make
the last train though, right?
Nah.
I'ma see what happens.
- Oh. Oh.
Aight, boom.
We could
We could keep it simple
Towering over us
Like a Rothko
It doesn't have to be
Complicated
Educated
I know you like to travel
We already got our passports
In the bag
We don't have to go
Anywhere
Let our love unravel
Could you be
The best I've ever had?
Seems like
You've always been there
Treat you like a queen
You won't forget
Spend some time, love
You won't regret
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
We could keep it simple
Playful
Tumblin' over dust
Like dominoes
It doesn't have to be
Complicated
Educated
I know you like to travel
We already got our passports
In the bag
But we don't really have to go
Anywhere
Let our love unravel
Could you be
The best I've ever had?
It seems like
You've always been there
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regrets
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regrets
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
And I'll give it all to you
Oh, open up
Oh, open up
Oh, open up
-Open up
-Open up, oh, open
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regret
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
Oh
Give it all
Open up
Oh, shit!
Where is it? Huh?
Come on. Where is it?
Shit.
You're so cute.
Oh, no. Silver is the new Bitcoin.
I'm telling you. It's going to the moon.
I'll see you in Monaco.
Oh, my God!
Why?
You're such a knob. Such a knob.
Uh, you're being pathetic.
Get a grip. Get a grip.
- Hello?
Hello.
This is the gents.
No. Actually, it's unisex.
Everything all right in there?
Yep.
- Fine.
- All right. Cool.
Cool.
Uh, just to let you know,
I haven't quite left yet.
I can't figure out how the...
- Oh.
It was-- It was the wrong tap.
Excuse me.
I'm trying to have a private moment.
- My bad.
It's not that private though.
Mouth. Oh.
- Huh?
- No photos!
- Oh, my God!
You're so annoying.
- How are you feeling for later?
- Good, yeah.
- You nervous?
- Not nervous.
- Don't be nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
- Anyway, where's Picasso?
Aight, boom.
Probably being his low-key, humble self.
Babes, we know more about
the planet Jupiter
than we do the inside of our own mouths.
That's facts.
Real talk,
the mouth is the Stonehenge of the face.
Mind fuck, right?
All right. Well, thanks for coming.
- My brother.
- Hey.
- Appreciate you coming, bro.
- Course, man.
Hey, love the photos. They're just so--
- Safe.
- How's sales?
Yeah, couple potential nibbles.
See the hoverboard-riding geezer?
This close to payin' a G for a shot
of my cousin Calvin's molars.
What's good, Wes Anderson?
You cool, yeah?
It's good to see you
out and about again, Dom.
- Good to be out and about.
- Everything's...
Oh, everything's wicked.
Yeah, I started Pilates.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Uh, workin' on my core, workin' on me.
You know, getting positive.
Aight. Do you, innit.
Cheers, man. Cheers.
Hey, so listen--
Shh.
You know what? I was about to dip.
Go mingle with some
of these sockless wonders.
- Uh...
- What?
You weren't about to bring up
Eric and Gia, no?
- Have you seen her latest post?
- No.
She's repainting walls
I already broke my back painting.
- Tryin' to erase I was ever there.
- It's just paint, my guy.
If it makes you feel any better,
from what I saw,
they were only doing the living room.
Thought you hadn't seen the photo.
Aight, look, don't prang out.
They had this paint-party-brunch ting.
But I only stayed for 45 minutes,
painted a tiny bit of a door,
ate half an almond croissant and bounced.
You went to brunch at our flat?
- Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore?
- Fuck!
You cool?
'Cause if you're gonna freak out,
I'ma sling a sign on you,
call it performance art.
You cool?
- Yeah.
- You're cool?
I'm cool.
Cool. Aight.
- Come here.
- Oh, shit.
Let me see what's up
with my girl real quick.
Be cool. Be cool.
This would look amazing in the boot room.
How you doin'?
Yeah, good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Cool.
So, whatcha think?
- The photos?
- Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Amazing.
They have a real, like, cerebral feel.
Cerebral?
Yeah.
Or maybe lyrical is a better way to--
Or expressive.
Wow. You know all the adjectives.
Now, this one, I fucking adore.
Yeah, I love the way
the tongue follows you around the room.
- So, do you know Nath or--
- Oh, I'm mates with his girlfriend.
Oh, cool. That's cool.
I know Cass. She's cool.
She is cool.
We met at work. Me and Nath.
- Oh, you're an artist?
- Oh, no. KFC.
Back in the day.
I don't work there anymore.
'Sup, my little fuck nuggets?
- Basking in your genius, dude.
Oh, please. Continue.
This one's pretty special, innit?
Yeah, man.
We were just saying exactly that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why don't you treat yourself?
Oh, no, bro, I just came to support you.
I wasn't gonna--
Oh, come on. Help a brother out.
People see you coppin',
might inspire them.
Look,
I know you ain't payin' bills right now.
Man must have bare peas saved up.
I think it's very you.
Uh...
Sorry,
I kinda feel like that was my fault.
No, no, no, no. Nath kinda seemed like
he needed the boost.
Plus, it's an investment.
When he blows up,
I'll sell it on for a fortune.
- Well, anyway--
- You going this way?
Yeah, I was gonna-- Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, guys!
I've got chillies here, guys.
Chillies red,
chillies gold, chillies green.
And I call them the traffic lights
of the chilli scene.
Hey, Uncle.
Ah! Here she is.
My hot cup of cocoa on a frosty mornin'.
I'll see you soon, okay?
- I'll be counting the seconds.
I've got chillies fresh...
It's Dom, right?
I'm Yas.
Nice to meet you.
Eh? Okay.
So, where you off to?
What errands has your mum got you
out here runnin'?
Oh, Nathan mentioned you don't pay bills,
so I figured you still live at home?
I'm back. Back at home.
"Back" is important, otherwise
it sounds like I never left, and I did.
Okay. Fair.
I'm actually cutting through.
Rye Lane Market?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Lucky for you, I'm going this way anyway.
So, what do you do now you've escaped
the clutches of the Colonel?
Like, with your post-KFC life.
Oh, I'm an accountant.
Boring.
Okay.
No free popcorn chicken,
but still, that's like a proper job.
Yeah,
it's not particularly glamorous.
- No.
- But I actually kinda love it.
So, is that
what you've always wanted to do,
or have you got yourself some thwarted
ambition burning away in ya gut?
- You know, you're very--
- Peng?
Refreshingly disarming?
- You ask a lot of questions.
- I'm interested in people's messes.
- What makes you think I've got a mess?
- Everyone has a mess.
Hi.
Okay. Um...
You know, I-- I think
I did always wanna be an accountant.
Is that-- Is that weird?
Don't ask me.
I wanted to be Prince when I was little.
Specifically, Purple Rain Prince.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I made myself a little costume
and everything.
So, are you the only wannabe accountant
in your crew?
All my mates thought they were gonna
be footballers or YouTube sensations,
chilling on private jets,
living extraordinary lives...
Oh, private jets not your ting, no?
Do you know how much
they cost to run? Terrible investment.
- So, what about you?
What do you do anyway?
Me? Well, I'm a YouTube sensation.
Nah, I work in fashion.
Hence the Prince costume.
- Exactly!
So you're like a designer or--
Oh, you saying I couldn't be a model?
- No. I just-- assumed 'cause you--
- Uh-- Uh--
- I'm fuckin' with you.
- Oh.
I am a buyer for an online brand
that you wouldn't have heard of.
But I wanna design costumes.
That's, like, the end game.
- Costumes?
- Yeah.
TV, films, music videos, ball gowns
to alien queens to anything the fuck else.
But do you know how much
these thieves wanna pay me
to be a bottom-level costume assistant?
I'm guessing not a lot.
Not a lot divided by fuck all.
Plus with your ting, the square root
of ten is always, like, what--
3.16-ish.
Okay. I'll take your word for it.
But I can't just wake up
and decide to be a costume designer.
I've gotta pay my dues.
And paying my dues means
not paying my rent
or being able to afford cute cocktails.
And I like paying my rent,
and I love cute cocktails, so...
Yeah, I know. I get that.
But I'll get there
eventually.
- Oh. Oh.
Just put your feet up.
- No. I'm okay.
- Okay.
- Oh!
Onwards they stroll.
Each step bringing them closer
to their mystery destination.
Okay. But no judgments, yeah?
Mmm, sounds juicy.
- I'm not running errands.
- Yeah, we're past that, babe.
I'm gonna meet my ex
for the first time since the break-up.
Shit. And you're still calling it
"the" break-up, meaning it's fresh?
Three months.
But we were goin' out for six years.
Six years?
You could've become
a fully qualified architect in that time.
Yeah. It was pretty bad.
It is pretty bad.
I went through the same sort of thing
not too long ago.
Yeah?
We were only together
for a year and a bit though--
Did you wake up every day and lie there
trying to muster the energy to breathe?
No. 'Cause I finished with him,
so I just felt kind of relieved
and empowered afterwards, you know?
He was tryin' to dilute my squash,
and I was like,
"Not today, Satan."
I'm sorry. Sorry.
No, no, no, no. I'm happy for you.
Must be nice being on that side of it,
not that I'll ever know.
Hey, hey, I believe in your ability to
completely destroy someone's life one day.
- Thanks.
- Mmm.
Aight, so, she broke up with you.
I know that much already.
Actually, it's still pretty hard
to talk about the details, so...
Oh, okay, sorry. We don't actually--
The bit that really hurts,
I thought we were fine.
We were better than fine.
We moved in together.
We had Hamilton tickets. Stalls!
It's a serious commitment.
Right?
So go on. Spill the tea! What happened?
So we were goin' to the cinema.
Oh?
I get there first, as usual,
and I go buy the snacks.
Mmm, stuntin' on 'em.
You don't even understand
how picky this girl is.
Hello. Hey. Um, can I get a number three
with a medium sweet and salt popcorn
and, um, a diet cola please?
Um, uh, but can the sweet be on bottom?
So it's like pudding.
I'm already ragin'.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, not too much ice in the drink.
Like an inch. Specifically, uh, an inch.
And you gotta understand,
I take cinema etiquette seriously.
Like, I won't go in
once the film's started.
You gotta respect the code.
- So, I call Gia.
Hey, hey--
Shit. Sorry.
Um, just about to send you a message.
I know how anal you are
about seeing the dumb trailers,
so just go in, and I'll be there in a bit.
But I figured maybe she had a bad day,
so I'm just like...
Okay. See you in a bit. Love you.
And that's when I see it.
See what?
No.
Wait.
Is that a dick?
- It gets worse.
'Cause even though it was low res,
I knew that dick.
That dick belonged to my best mate, Eric.
Yeah, eh, eh
Yeah, yeah
That is so dead.
So, what'd you do?
What do you think I did?
Eric! Eric!
- No, please--
Yes! Plot twist!
That is some next-level Omar Little shit.
I can't believe you did that.
Yeah.
I didn't.
That is one of the worst stories
I've ever heard.
I mean, not from
an entertainment perspective, obviously.
- It's a wonderful anecdote.
And you're just casually off
to see this girl now?
They wanna "clear the air".
-"They"?
- Yeah, Eric's gonna be there too.
No! Together?
Wild. [laughs] Wild!
- Wild!
Wild. That's wild.
That's what he does.
He drops it to the far post.
-It's in! What a finish! What a finish!
Today's pretty much the first time
I've been out the house in three months.
Besides work.
And Greggs.
I can't get enough of their sausage rolls.
- Yeah, like this.
- You're preaching to the choir, babe.
- Uh, me and my girls are addicted.
And now, we have Jeremy on the line,
who walked in on his parents having sex.
Yeah, my dad told me
he was looking for his contact lenses.
-I was like, "How'd it get there?"
And where is this, uh,
summit of doom taking place?
Il Giardino. There.
Used to be "our" place.
No. Absolutely not.
Text her, you can't make it.
We'll go to Laser Quest,
merk some eight-year-olds.
Tempting, but I think it's actually
something I need to do.
Like, I get what they did was peak,
but I have to take some responsibility,
you know?
Like, not at all.
You're gonna let them off the hook
after how they treated you?
Um, see, I don't think you're getting it.
This is part of the process.
The process of you rolling over
like a bitch?
Sorry. Too far.
It's fine.
Hey, why don't I come in with you?
We'll get tun up off caipirinhas,
show them you don't give a shit.
This is like a proper, actual life thing,
so no offence,
but I'm not about to take some random
in there with me, am I?
Okay. Fair.
But it was nice chattin'.
Hey, good luck with not being
a YouTube sensation.
Good luck with not havin'
an extraordinary life.
S-- Um...
Thanks.
Turn your coaster green for meat
Turn your coaster red for no meat
'Cause who doesn't want some meat
- Silly one.
Oh!
- Hey, babe!
- My bro!
But only before 7.00 p.m.
- Good to see you, man.
Like happy hour
We got here a bit early,
and Eric was hungry,
so we ordered some bits for the table.
- Okay.
- My belly was rumblin', bruh.
People thought it was
like a stampede of animals!
I was like, "No. It's my belly.
I'm hungry."
- Baby, chill.
- Oh.
So, how have you been?
Yeah, good. You?
- Amazin'. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, really, really amazin'.
Amazin'.
Oh, shit.
So, see that coaster next to you?
Keep it on green.
They just keep bringin' food over.
- It's just kinda mad.
- Yeah, I know. I've been here before.
Yeah, man,
I'm never turning mine red.
They'll have to carry me
out of this place.
Ooh. Try a croquette ting, man.
These make you cream!
I'm good. Maybe later.
We're so glad you decided
to come today, D.
Obviously, this isn't easy for any of us.
You must have, like, a million questions.
- Uh, no, I don't--
- Thigh?
- Pile it on, irmo.
That's "brother" in Portuguese.
We went for a long weekend in Lisbon.
So lit.
Yeah, you should go, actually.
We saw a lot of solo travellers, so...
- Thigh?
- I'm good, thanks.
G, you're not good.
Next time, get it anyway, and then
forward it onto my plate.
So, um, maybe I should start.
Basically, what we wanna come out of today
is just for us all
to move forward properly.
Mmm. Preach, babe.
'Cause there's gotta be
a shelf life on guilt.
Or is it gonna be a thing of every time
we see something that reminds us of you,
we're gonna be all...
Do you know what I mean?
Um...
Okay, yeah, I--
I think I do have a question.
Great. Go for it.
Why?
Why did you cheat on me?
'Cause we weren't happy, Dom.
People grow apart.
- They grow up. They change.
- Well, I didn't change.
I was talking about me.
I mean, this whole thing came
as a surprise to me too, you know.
Like, one day I woke up and I realised,
this just didn't make sense anymore.
But this did.
You can't mess with destiny, bro.
When the stars align,
the great conjunction happened--
- I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't--
- Sorry.
I was on a call with the New York office.
I was like, "I gotta go!"
And they were like, "No!"
Anyway... [gasps] You must be Gia.
Wow, girl,
your profile pics do not do you justice.
I'm Yas.
Hi. I'm Eric.
Ah. He of the low-res cock.
- My rep precedes me.
Geez!
Thank you. Smells amazing.
Sorry, I'm a little bit lost.
- You are...
- Yas. Dom's...
Well, we're not really labelling it yet,
are we?
But I guess we're just kind of
low-key fucking at the moment.
Uh, we're vibin', so, you know...
- Okay.
- Who knows?
Okay, I see you, movin' up in the world.
Not up.
Um, I thought we agreed--
I know what I said,
but I missed you, my sexy dumpling.
You guys don't mind, right?
- No.
- Mm-mmm.
No, I-- I love that you're here.
Um, we actually ordered some bits
for the table, so help yourself.
And try one of those croquette tings,
it'll make you cream.
Geez!
Anyway,
I wanna know everything.
Um, how-- how did you guys meet?
Oh, it's a pretty cute story.
Do you wanna tell it, bub?
No, you, uh, go for it,
bub.
You guys heard of Nothin' But A G Thang?
It's this fire hip-hop karaoke night.
Me and my girls were there
a few nights back.
And, you know, I was just chillin',
fighting off an onslaught of dead guys.
And just as I'm thinkin',
"Rah, there isn't a single decent guy
in this entire place," I hear...
- We have Yas! Come on!
Turns out one of my girls put
my name down as a joke!
How about
we have ourselves a little duet?
And it was just this immediate,
deep, animal attraction.
Palpable sexual energy crackling.
Everyone in the room could feel it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, really.
But, you know, calling it "a room"
makes it sound kinda small.
- We lit that place up.
- We love you, Dom and Yas!
- People were losin' their minds.
- I want your babies!
And there was just, like,
this sea of people.
- Like a mini concert.
- Mmm.
And when we finished,
the crowd started chanting...
Dom and Yas. Dom and Yas.
- Yas and Dom. Yam and Yas.
- Dom-Dom. Dom and Yas.
Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom!
Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom!
And they were screamin'...
Encore! Encore!
"Encore! Encore!"
They were gonna tear the place down
if we didn't go again,
- so we did, like, five, six...
- It was 20.
- ...more songs. It was wild.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's gotta be, hands down,
the greatest hook-up story of all time.
I have a question.
You did karaoke?
I guess you were right.
People do change.
- Lamb?
- Yeah--
- No!
- Thank you!
Oh, shit. D, guess what?
I got fired from the sports bar.
- No.
- Baby...
- Yeah.
...why you bringing that up now?
He used to work there. It's banter.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. You know how it was, like,
if you have to go to the staff loos
by going down to the basement?
Got tired of doing that.
So, I just started pissing
in Oasis bottles,
'cause you know that big rim, no spillage.
I stuck 'em all in my locker,
and I kept on sayin', like,
"Just empty it. Empty it."
And manager caught me with, like,
18 bottles of piss in there.
I tried to say it was apple juice.
But he was like,
"Nah, that's piss. I can smell it."
"Uh, yeah, it's piss."
I can't believe they fired you for that.
I know. They're, like--
They're super political there.
- Mmm.
- They're-- Yeah.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm struggling with something here.
You cheated on Dom with him?
- Excuse you?
- Yas--
No, I need to figure this out
because it's baffling.
You dumped this funny, clever,
successful accountant
for this jobless human bin-fire?
Oh, that hurts a little bit.
I mean, I get it, the arms are nice,
but what do you even talk about?
Are you gonna sit there
and let her say that shit to me?
Well, she said my arms are nice.
In hindsight, this was a terrible idea.
I was trying to give everyone some harmony
and allow everyone to live
in their truths, but whatever.
But you are living your truth.
You cheated on him
with his best mate from primary school.
St John's, Dunloe. Buckeye!
Buckeye-kye! La-la-la-la la...
You tricked him into believing
he'd found a person
that wanted to get to know him,
like, properly,
and instead of realising
what a gift that was,
someone baring their actual soul to you,
you got scared.
And so you clicked reset
and moved on with the closest
and least complicated option.
That is your truth.
And, by the way, your man swiped me
on Tinder, like, a week ago.
- What?
- Mmm. No, I didn't.
- I didn't swipe you.
- Give me your phone.
- Or anybody.
- Now.
- I didn't swipe her.
- Eric.
- Phone.
- It's on rest mode.
- It's on sleepy mode. It's off.
- Now.
Airplane mode?
I can't believe you just did that!
Did you see Gia's face when we were
tag-teaming the karaoke story?
She was shook!
I feel good.
Man, where did that come from,
all that stuff
about it getting too real for her?
Uh, don't know.
I guess just everything you told me.
Well, you nailed it.
It's exactly
what I've been wanting to say,
but I've been too busy rolling over
like a bitch.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- No, it's true though.
Oh, come on. I'm hungry.
I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
- I don't know--
- Come on--
No, listen, you just rode to my rescue.
It's the least I can do.
Anything you want, it's on me.
Fine.
Which way? Which way?
Which way?
Um.
I was thinking maybe there's this banging
burrito place in Brixton we could go to.
This way?
This way.
Time will only tell me an eternity
I remember the first time we met
You had my heart wanting
To disconnect from me
Hearing your eyes say to me
Come rollerblade with me
Show me the ropes
Hold tight and do not let go of me
It was autumn back in '93
The leaves were falling down
Ever reluctantly
You had your hair long
When the days were short
Babe, that outfit? Tens across the board.
Oh. Thank you so much.
Do you know her?
No, but she looks fire, innit?
What's up, man? Cool kicks.
What?
Dickhead, man.
Suck your mum.
Yep.
So, moving back
wasn't your first choice then?
No.
I tried the sofa thing, but it turns out,
I'm a man who requires sheets.
Ah, so you're in it
for the quality bedding.
Honestly,
it's like they never want me to leave.
They bought me a PlayStation.
My dad forces me
on bike rides all the time.
My mum literally won't stop makin' me
boiled eggs and soldiers.
Aw, you poor thing.
I swear I'm devolving.
You know, I can see you as a mummy's boy.
And my already fragile ego takes
another blow.
Oh.
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
Why did you go?
-Why did you go?
Why is that bad?
I mean, for me,
a good relationship with your mum
is like the man equivalent of checking
a dog's got healthy gums on Crufts.
Well, in that case, I'll own it.
I am a mummy's boy.
Okay, it's less hot when you say it.
- Oh, shit, I haven't looked yet.
You trust me?
- Mmm.
- Yes, Colin.
We'll have two spicy porks
with everything.
Hot sauce?
You know it.
I'm sorry. None for me, thanks.
Um, how spicy is the spicy pork?
Like, out of ten?
Do you like spicy food?
Strong no.
Then, an eight.
In that case,
I'll change mine to the chicken, please.
Although, it says mild.
Is that mild-mild? Or...
Um.
Mmm.
You gonna answer that?
So, how was the blandest burrito ever?
Delicious.
- Hmm. Okay. Hmm.
Hey. Have I got food in my teeth?
Nope. Fresh.
How about me?
Squeaky clean.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, and change legs.
- So, you and your ex.
- Lift up. Two...
My favourite subject.
Were you two living
together then before you...
Uh, no. We weren't quite there yet.
Makes it easier, I guess.
Not having to chainsaw
the flat-screen in half.
There's that.
Plus, I doubt there'd be a lot of,
uh, bike rides
and boiled eggs if I rocked up home.
Four...
- That will be me one day, man.
- Five...
Couple rich ex-husbands,
menstruation a distant memory,
sat out in the park with both my legs
behind my head.
It's just beautiful.
Three.
- Four.
- That will be me.
- Five.
Old but still thirsty.
Six...
- Change your legs.
So, before the Eric stuff,
you had no idea you and Gia were done?
Nope. Thought we were all set.
Really?
There wasn't a single moment?
A tiny crack in the beautiful pottery
that was you and her?
I'm gonna need to think about that.
You go first.
When did you realise you
and your ex were done?
Oh. There were probably a shitload
of alarm bells I was snoozing through.
But if I had to pick a specific moment...
He don't wave at boats.
Say again?
If people on a boat wave at you,
you have to wave back.
It's the law.
Tourism funds sex trafficking.
Hmm.
What?
So apparently there are two types
of people in this world.
The ones who wave at boats
and the ones who hate joy.
Which one am I?
Haven't decided yet.
Oh, so, I have thought about
my writing-on-the-wall moment.
This still wakes me up at night cringin'.
Ooh, this gonna be good.
Okay, um, so, a while back,
for our anniversary,
I wanted to do something special.
So I booked the place we ended up at
on our first date.
Can't believe
I filled in my eyebrows for this.
- Late-night Morley's.
I thought it would be cute and romantic.
A sweet little throwback...
Hey-yo, boss man! I need chicken!
...but apparently not.
Hey, you're a lucky girl, aren't you?
Anyway,
that was the last grand gesture I tried.
Okay, I'm not even lyin', yeah?
That is literally my dream date.
In fact, if I had a restaurant,
I'd call it "Nuggets by Candlelight".
- No, but I'm not even joking.
- Loser.
How could she not find that cute?
I don't know.
But that is my side of the story, innit?
I bet Gia must have loads of
writin'-on-the-wall stories about me.
And there you go again,
trying to share the blame.
Well, I'm just saying,
what if they actually are meant to be?
- Gia and Eric?
- Yeah.
What if I'm the awkward hook-up story?
A funny anecdote
in a future best man's speech?
Wow. That is insanely forgiving.
I know.
Maybe you've just inspired me.
How chill you are about your ex.
Maybe it's time I tried that shit.
Hey. Not everyone can be this,
uh, progressive. Takes talent.
So, you were a grand gesture guy, then?
Big time.
I once hid chocolates
in my girlfriend's bed,
but they melted,
and she thought I shit myself.
- I won't be doing that again.
- Uh-huh.
We should go get a drink.
Definitely.
I'll make you miss your last train today.
Is it now?
- Mm-hmm.
No, but seriously, I can't.
But if you're havin' a good time,
you won't realise.
If I miss it, it's a night bus.
And if I'm lucky enough to survive that,
it's a taxi.
Not an Uber, a taxi.
Yeah, but sometimes you just gotta say,
"I'ma see what happens."
Like, fuck it.
No plannin', balls to the wall,
just go where the breeze takes you.
"I'ma see what happens"?
It's good for the soul, trust.
So?
I got time.
Can I get a cranberry juice,
a pint of lager
and a packet of salt and vinegar?
- Thank you.
Yas speaking.
Hey, this is Theresa from Upon Films.
The costume designer.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, sorry to do this, but we're gonna
have to shift you back half an hour?
Is that okay?
- You know what?
- That actually doesn't work for me.
- Thank you.
Is it cool if I reschedule?
Yeah, actually,
we were hoping to make a decision today.
-Sorry.
- Uh, okay.
- Love you. See you later, bye!
-Yeah-- Uh--
-Hello? Hello--
- Who's that?
- Oh, that-that was Cass.
How is she?
Yeah, yeah, better.
Thank you.
Hey, I was, um, I was meaning to ask you.
- Do you really recognise Eric from Tinder?
- Oh. [chuckles] No.
But you just know he's still on there,
huntin'.
I'm guessing you're not on the apps, no?
Nah.
It's Valentine's Day at primary school
all over again.
Oh, wait, let me guess.
Little Dom didn't get any cards.
- No. But you know who did?
Lewis Younge, who had pubes at nine
and would punch people
in the nuts for fun.
Why are guys like that
always called Lewis?
I know, right?
And now, everyone's only as good
as their profile pic.
We're back to Lewis Younge
and his drawer full of cards.
Oh! You still haven't told me
your break-up story.
Uh, it really isn't that deep.
No, no. You broke up with him
and didn't look back.
That's iconic.
- 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey.
- Stop. Shut up.
No, also-- also, dude, you met my ex.
Ah, oh. Okay. Fine.
We broke up
because of A Tribe Called Quest.
- Aw, fuck!
- Oh.
Hey, babe. How's your day been?
Mediocre with a sprinklin' of the entire
universe trying to fuck with me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Jules?
Nathan's mate? The sculptor?
That's your ex?
Oh, he doesn't just sculpt.
He calls himself an artistic polymath,
which is just another term
for being a cunt.
- But, yeah, him.
Things were getting kind of stale,
so I decided to try
and get things flowing again, you know?
Reawaken the magic.
Your breath.
That will be the homemade hummus.
- Listen.
You know how my head gets
when I've been working on something new.
I will take some of that hummus
on a cracker.
Please tell me you dumped his arse
right there and then.
- Yeah!
- Right?
- Right?
- Get rid of him.
Nope. I took a big L and got this prick
some fucking hummus.
I figured, a few sips of wine, some tunes...
- Wow!
Babe, feeling a bit
sonically sensitive right now.
So, do you mind turning that shit,
like, way down for me?
He called Tribe "that shit"?
You might wanna ration your disdain
because there's more.
Hi. You're blocking the TV.
Oh, okay.
- Interesting.
- Crocs.
- Oh, fuck. Sorry.
You know, I'm gonna forward you an article
about how hip-hop's promotion of violence
continues to perpetuate
problematic Black stereotypes.
What?
And that's when it hit me.
I had become basic.
So, there and then,
I came up with a simple ethos
to help guide me
through all aspects of my life.
If you make the hummus,
you should get the head.
What the fuck?
- Yes!
- Yes! Get in, get in.
So while that prick was washing
smooshed up chickpeas out of his pubes,
I packed up any shit I had around there
and bounced.
Only one snag.
In my rush to escape, I forgot--
No. Don't say it.
My copy of
The Low End Theory.
Do you know what?
You helped me with Gia.
I wanna do this for you.
Let's go find a record shop right now,
and I'll buy you a new copy.
That is really sweet.
But I don't want a new copy.
- I want my copy.
- Oh. [chuckles] Okay.
Why should he get to keep it? Especially
when he doesn't appreciate how good it is.
Have you asked for it back?
So he can make me jump
through a million hoops?
- No, thank you.
- I can go round. Ask for you.
Thank you,
but he would love that even more.
Plus, he's not even in the country, so...
Ooh!
- Ooh!
- What? What?
- Come on.
- Where?
- Come on!
- Oh. O-Okay.
- Yas, Yas.
- Chill.
- Hurry up!
And you're definitely sure he's away?
- Who's the girl?
- She was his life coach.
Apparently, she opened his mind.
And then her legs.
She's got some dumb name,
like Tabby or something.
That's a pretty dumb name, isn't it?
Or maybe not for a cat, but...
- What?
- No, nothing.
I'm just saying it's a dumb name,
that's all.
How come you still got a key
to Jules's place anyway?
I still got the key
to my year-eight locker on here, okay?
Damn. He must've changed the locks.
Like I'm gonna break in.
- Fiona and Steve!
- Huh?
My parents' next-door neighbours.
They always have a key
in case of emergencies. Oh.
Someone must have a key for Jules's gaff.
Come on. Are you coming? Come on!
- Yes.
Jules's mums.
Like, "mums", plural. Janet and Tanice.
Are you sure you're down for this?
Yeah.
Mums love me. Trust.
Okay, well, just chill and keep
them chattin', and I'll look for the key.
- What?
I thought you were gonna ask for it.
I can't walk up and demand the key.
- We're gonna have to chat to them--
- About what?
- I don't know.
- Hi, Auntie.
You're joking me. Yas!
- Tanice, look who's here!
You are a sight for sore eyes.
- Girl!
- Come here!
- Oh!
We were coming back from somewhere,
and I desperately needed a loo.
And then I realised
I was right by your place, so...
Oh, say no more.
Come in and do your business.
- And you're gonna stay for a drink.
- Who's that, then?
Oh, this is my friend Dom.
Room for one more?
Mmm.
You remember where it is,
and make sure you use the good soap.
- Yes.
Come, boy.
You'll never find
As long as you live
Someone who loves you
What's happening, everyone?
Tender like I do
Help yourself.
But not the Wray & Nephews.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm not really a big drinker.
Tyrese, come here, lovey.
Dominoes. Sick.
Oh, I'll leave you to it.
You're in my seat.
And that was obviously a mistake.
Hmm.
Oh, no, no, no. Auntie said--
Okay, maybe a bit then. Cheers.
- You like the tunes?
Oh.
Yeah. Definitely. This is a bop.
Wouldn't think it'd be your ting.
- Oh, no. No, this is specifically my ting.
Yeah. Like a Sunday morning
in Kingston type vibe.
- Jamaica. Not upon Thames.
So, what else you into?
Hip-hop, grime, trap,
bit of Motown after one too many of these.
Hmm. You sound like a man
who knows his music.
Pass your phone.
- Hmm?
- Let's put some of your joints on.
Oh.
- Oh, no, people seem to be en--
- Anyone mind if we change the music?
- No, go ahead.
- No.
Come, come. Come, come, come, come, come.
I don't think my phone's gonna connect
to the Blue--
PIN?
Yeah, what is it again? Um.
Two, one, seven, three.
But, listen, uh,
my tastes are pretty eclectic--
Don't worry, I'm gonna put it on shuffle.
I don't want to run away
But I can't take it
I don't understand
Oh. Obviously, this doesn't really have
a-- a party feel, so...
Some say love, it is a river
Sorry.
I listened to this one playlist
a lot after...
That drowns
Try it one more time.
The tender...
It's ridiculous.
Let it play.
Fortunately you have found
Someone who relies on you
We started out as friends
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my lady
Oh, okay.
Do you want another piece of chicken?
Yeah.
So, Peter. My guy.
Like I was saying a second ago, um,
we just need to get into Jules's flat
for like a quick minute.
To, uh, liberate Yas's vinyl?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
See? [clicks tongue] You get it.
You're old school.
- Old.
- Good old.
You know what?
I think I remember Tanice mentioning
somewhere special they keep valuables
and keys and such. Huh?
- That marga boy you brought round...
- Oh, here you go again, Auntie.
He ain't your type, baby.
Nah, he ain't.
- Give us a hand.
- Oh, don't-- don't worry.
- I'll take it in for you.
- Oh. Aw.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
The fuck am I doin'?
There must be some way
you and Jules can work things out.
It's never gonna happen, Aunties.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh. But why?
- But you were so good together.
- Go on. Yeah.
Oh, I see.
So you've set your sights elsewhere.
You guys are funny.
I've known him for, like, a day.
The only reason we're hanging out
is because I heard him cryin',
and I felt sorry for him. That's it.
What?
I really think you should.
- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Uh, no, I wasn't--
Um-- It--
- Tanice.
- I totally get how this must--
- Yes, babes.
- Uh, but...
- Peter said-- but, nah-- Auntie.
- What's going on, babes?
I caught this boy
going through your knicker drawer.
What? See, I knew there was something off
about you, ya little perv.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is not what I was doing at all.
See, I was trying to find the key.
What key?
What have you done?
Wow, so that got...
- Real.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
No, it's-- it's cool.
It actually was my fault. I was trying
to steal some of Tanice's pants.
I knew it.
We were so close.
Like, so close.
- I really thought we were gonna--
- All right, I heard you, okay?
Hmm?
When I was upstairs,
I heard you chattin'.
That was you in the toilet
back at Nathan's thing?
And that's why we're hanging out today,
'cause you felt sorry for me.
No.
Uh, kind of.
That makes so much sense.
But that wasn't the only reason.
I had an interview this afternoon
for a job doing costume
on a low-budget film.
I didn't know whether I wanted to go.
And then they called me to push it back,
and we were having such a nice time,
so I thought--
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why wouldn't you wanna go?
A film? That's amazing.
Well, this would be my fifth interview
since I finished my course.
I guess I wasn't really in the mood
for another no.
Well, it might've been a yes.
Maybe.
So, are we cool? With the whole...
Crying thing?
Hey, listen, if I, um--
If I get your number,
maybe we can chill again sometime or...
Definitely.
Next time, Laser Quest though.
Oh, you didn't enjoy kicking it
at my ex's mums' gaff, no?
Oh.
- I'm gonna call an Uber.
- Think I'll get the tube. Um...
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yas. I just had a thought.
That idiot Mona feeds Jules's succulents,
so she's gotta have a key.
You fancy borrowing the beast?
You all right back there?
Loving it.
So, this Mona who may have a key,
they run the karaoke night?
Yeah.
And just a heads up,
Mona can be a little bit... extra.
Fuck the government
And fuck Boris, yeah
I'm a villain
Killin' when I'm barrin'
Brothers in the hood
Just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' my whip
I phoned the boss to bring my car in
I could probably take your chick
But I just wouldn't 'cause she's jarrin'
Oh, I got the sauce
Don't know what you thought
Catch me up in the snow
In my sliders and my shorts
Chicks tryna get my brother Flipz...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I know the person who runs it.
Mona! Yo, Mona!
Uh, Dean, can you bounce this girl,
please? She's mad.
- What?
- Yeah, sure.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, jokes. Let her in.
Brothers in the hood
Just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' them whip
And get my boss to bring my car in
- Hey.
- Hey.
But I just wouldn't
'Cause she's jarrin'
Oh, I've got the sauce
- I don't know about that.
- We'll be in and out.
He won't even know we were there.
So speedy.
Yeah, and then what happens
if you can't help yourself,
and you end up doing something stupid,
like cutting all the crotches out
of his jeans or taking a shit in his sink?
Why would I do anything like that?
Right, here's the thing.
I'm just struggling to understand
what it is that I'm gonna get out of it.
How about the chance
to do the right thing?
All right,
it's not the fucking Avengers, darling.
- What do you want?
- That's on you, Yasmine.
But be creative, yeah?
Because I'm so unbelievably bored.
I'm stuck here with these posers,
dying of inertia,
while you two get to run around
and shit in people's sinks.
What entertainment are you providing Mona
in exchange for this favour?
Damn, this is some gladiator shit tonight.
- No. No.
- Do you want those keys or not?
Oh, my days,
this is gonna be amazing!
Okay. Say stop.
Stop.
Oh!
Fine. We can do that.
"We"?
Okay, our next victim.
By special request, we got Yas and Dom.
Where you kids at?
Just one second.
- What's going on?
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
- No, no, no.
You're the girl
who gives strangers compliments in shops.
I'm also the girl that ducked out of a job
interview today 'cause she was too scared.
I thought it was 'cause
we were having a nice time.
Yeah, don't worry. We got all night.
Honestly, Dom, this is crazy.
Just fuck the keys, fuck the record.
Jules can keep it. Let's just go.
Don't worry. I got this.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hey, how's it goin'?
I'm great.
No, not you
You, the bow-legged one
- Mmm.
What's your name?
Get off, mate. You're rubbish.
Damn, baby
Get out.
-That's sexy
Here I go, here I go
Here I go again
-Girls, what's my weakness?
- Men
Okay, then, chillin', chillin'
Mindin' my business
Yo, Salt, I looked around
And I couldn't believe this
I swear, I stared
My niece my witness
- I, um...
Wicked, wicked
Had to kick--
- Sorry, um...
Then I flipped for a tip
Make me wanna do tricks for him
Licked him
Like a lollipop should be licked
Came to my senses
And I chilled for a bit
Don't know how you do
The voodoo that you do
So well it's a spell, hell
Makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop
-Shoop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
- Whoo! Yeah!
-Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Um
You're packed and you're stacked
Specifically in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother
For a butt like that
Can I get some fries
With that shake-shake booty?
If looks can kill
You would be an Uzi
You're a shotgun, bang!
What's up with that thang?
-I wanna know, how does it hang?
Straight up, wait up
Hold up, Mr Lover
Like Prince said
You're a sexy motha--
Well, I like 'em real wild
B-boy style by the mile
Smooth Black skin
With a smile
Bright as the sun
I wanna have some fun
Come and give me some of that yum-yum
Chocolate--
- Were we just 110% fucking lit?
- I can't believe you just did that.
Hey, you're the one who just came on
and absolutely smashed it.
Uh...
Uh, I was trying to kiss you on the cheek,
and I missed--
- Were you?
- Yes.
Sorry.
- You can't be in there together.
Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
What are you doing?
I got over-excited.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Why is he following us?
- Go faster!
- Oh, shit!
- I told you. He ain't here.
Hey, hey. You gonna get the record or...
I gotta wee.
Okay, but just don't touch anything,
yeah? Fingerprints.
- Okay.
Da-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba--
That's how I imagine Obama smells.
Is that cedar-wood?
What is that?
A Mooncup.
- Probably Tabby's.
- Yeah, I guessed that.
Jules used to make me hide my tampons
in my make-up bag.
He has a thing. He says
it puts him off brushing his teeth.
That is wild!
Yeah, but apparently Tabby's just welcome
to leave her shit on display!
I need a drink.
You wanna a drink? I want a drink.
Yas. Yas? Yas!
Hey! Listen, we probably shouldn't--
Oh! That is a sexy V60.
I get it. You got a boner over his gaff.
It's nice. It's cute.
Yas? Yas, where you going now? Just--
I just need to check something. One sec.
- How is that even a sculpture?
- I knew it. She's fucking moved in.
- So?
Three months they've been together.
And look.
All of her underwear looks like this.
Seriously, you'd have to sew
15 of these together
to get the pants I'm wearing right now.
- Why do you care?
- I don't.
If she wants to be plagued by yeast
infections, it's none of my business.
- Shit! Come on.
- This way, this way.
- Fuck.
Nepalese or Peruvian?
Ah, I could murder
a seviche right now.
- Hon?
- Mmm?
Did you leave the lights on?
Must have been Mona.
Oh.
Ugh.
Uh, what the fuck is in my rice?
Is that my Mooncup?
Ugh, okay.
I do not get Mona's sense of humour.
Someone's here.
- Get your rape spray.
- They made me chuck it.
It was over a hundred mils!
- The fuck I'm gonna do with that? Fuck.
- Well, I don't know.
Yo!
Don't let me catch you up in this crib,
'cause I'll straight up end you.
- You get me?
- You should try and sound more scary.
What do you think I'm trying to do?
- Shh.
- Oh, God.
Surprise.
Yas?
- Hey.
- Wow!
As in your ex, Yas?
What is she doing here, Julian?
Puttin' Mooncups in my rice
and stealing your thongs apparently.
I wasn't stealing it.
I was actually just trying it.
- Well, now you've stretched them.
- My bad.
I have to give it to you, man.
You are tenacious in your madness.
I change the locks,
and you still find a way to break in
and bring your drama into our flat?
Our flat now, is it?
Yes, actually, this is our safe space
which you've literally invaded.
Hello. Hi. Hello.
Sorry, this is all
a massive misunderstanding.
We didn't break in.
We got the key from Mona.
And we only came to get Yas's album.
-The Low End Theory?
- Never heard of it.
Yeah, they probably don't play it
on basic bitch F.M.
Oh, wow.
Okay, that was really uncalled for.
Babe, are you gonna call the police?
Because I'm done with this toxic energy.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen.
The-- The record has sentimental value.
If we can just grab it, we'll bounce.
Listen, you seem like a nice guy,
so let me give you some free advice.
- Run.
'Cause she will ruin your life,
trust me.
That's unnecessary, man.
No. That girl is a human quagmire.
That's a bog.
- People know what a quagmire is, babe.
- Yeah, no. I know.
- But they might not understand your arty--
- Can I finish?
She will drag you down
into all her petty shit
till you're struggling to breathe.
My petty shit?
When we were together,
everything was about you.
How many gallery openings did I go to?
Or dead poetry nights, smiling along
as you and your artist mates talked about
how underappreciated you were.
You wouldn't understand
the creative struggle.
Okay, fine.
You know, she thought she was
gonna be a big-time costume designer.
Used to stay up all night,
doodling away in her little pads.
How is that going by the way?
Babe. Babe. He's trying to steal our shit.
- Little thief.
- Oh, come on, man.
You don't even care about this.
Just let her have it.
Oh, snap!
You're properly into her, aren't you?
Mate, she's already got you
breaking and entering.
You really think this is gonna end well?
Not just breaking and entering.
She had me rapping to a room
full of people earlier
and racing about town
on the back of a moped.
- Your mum's moped, actually.
- What?
They lent it to us after they caught me
sneaking around her underwear drawer.
Seriously, what is it with you two
and other people's underwear?
Yeah, that is a bit weird.
In answer to your question,
I don't know how today is gonna end.
But, as weird as it's been,
it's also kind of been
one of the greatest days ever, so...
Even being on the back of the moped?
No, I hated that.
Aw, that is actually really cute.
Are you done?
- 'Cause I'd like my property back now.
- It's not yours though, is it?
- Oh, seriously, don't be confused. Yeah?
- What's the--
Just 'cause I know how to rock a kimono
doesn't mean I can't fuck you up!
Hey, hey, hey. Listen.
You don't wanna fight me.
Your hands are your tools,
and I have a notoriously bony face.
So, we'll be leaving now, with the record,
but it was lovely to meet you both--
- Oh. Oh, my God.
I posed for that for weeks!
- Oh. Oh, I am so, so, so--
- Ah, fuck!
- Are you--
What are you doing? Why did you do that?
- Whoa!
- Stay away from my man!
- I don't want your--
- No! No!
- You're a psycho!
- What's your problem?
Everybody, please watch the fucking art.
You know, I actually felt guilty
about how it went down between us.
But now, I know I made the right decision
dumping your arse.
Yas? Yas!
Wait, I don't understand. He dumped you?
Yeah.
- But you told me--
- I know what I told you.
Come on. You loved that I dashed him.
You said I was iconic.
- That's what I thought actually happened.
- Me and you had literally just met.
I didn't think you wanted to hear
my whole sob story.
- You made me tell you mine.
- It didn't take much persuading.
No. Sorry. Look.
You're trying to turn this around
on me for being too truthful?
Fine. You really wanna hear
all the grimy details?
I sat around in the same pair of joggers
for weeks,
cryin' into Greggs sausage rolls,
leaving cringy, begging voicemails.
And as if that wasn't enough,
I accidentally liked a photo of Tabby
from five years ago on her mum's Facebook.
So, Jules told all our friends
I was a stalker,
and every single one of them,
except for Cass, believed him.
That's really shit.
But why wouldn't you just tell me that?
I'm not good at this, Dom.
Can we just go get a beer
and start over, please?
I can't.
Why not?
Because you lied to me from the jump.
At least Gia waited a while.
I'm not Gia.
- I know. I know that.
- I didn't fuck your best mate.
I just curated my shit a little bit.
Big fucking deal.
Maybe you should try it. Maybe then you'd
have a few more cards left in your drawer.
Maybe, but at least I'd still be real.
You win. God, there's nothing realer
than being in your twenties
and still wanking away in a single bed
at your parents' house there, is there?
Coming from the girl who literally
just broke into her ex's flat
so she could see him again.
This is wild. You're trying to make out
like I'm not over Jules
when Gia lives in your head rent free.
Hey, how about we go find a toilet
so you can have a big cry in it.
Sipping on my lemon and ginger
And I can count the times
Night bus! Whoop-whoop!
When things weren't wonderful
Whoop.
But worthwhile love is a handful
I mean when I say
You're beautiful
Don't waste your tears
On those images
You have too many years ahead of you
And not too many before you
Darling
Let go of the hurt in your heart
Baby, I've said from the start
I'm here beside you
Took too long to find you
I'm not goin' anywhere
I'm not goin' anywhere, no
Times have been hard
And in those instances
Our feet are trottin' broken glass
Don't forget
What we already have
We can keep going
But hold on to what we have
Dom.
Steve McQueen is a genius.
Facts.
Are you stalking me?
Y-Yes. No. No, I'm not stalking you.
Just, from behind, you kinda look--
You-- You look like someone, so...
Sorry, you don't care, and I wasn't
looking at your behind. I'm just--
It's so rustic here. I love it.
No, it's really cute.
It's, like, heroin-chic. I love it.
Darlin'
-Let go of the hurt in your heart
Baby, I've said from the start
I'm here beside you
- Oh, I-I like wine.
- Yeah?
Yeah. I'm on beer tonight, but...
Yeah, I noticed. That's okay.
Hello! Upon Films.
Hi, it's Yas. I have
a twelve o'clock meeting with Aman?
Is this where the big-time
costume designers hang out?
Congratulations!
Twenty years ago today,
Linda and Ken signed their names
-across each other's hearts.
- Dom?
Yeah. Cheers, mate.
This one's for you, Linda.
I love this smooth classic.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
- Please come. Please.
- No. No, leave me alone.
I don't need all this pressure
to go to Nathan's new show
- and be like, "Fancy bumping into you!"
It's just like, do I really wanna
put myself through that? No.
I don't need to be listening to him
bang on about his ex
whilst looking at a bunch of arses.
No offence.
Get ready to rock 'n' roll.
Mum, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine.
D-Do you wanna put that in the back?
No, I'm good.
Okay.
You know what? My boy.
Bye, Dom's mummy and dad. Love you.
Fine. Maybe I could have been a bit more
vulnerable, you know? Let him in a bit.
But that's a bit...
Like...
I used to believe in all that fairy-tale,
"Of all the toilets in all of London,
I walked into his" type-bullshit.
But that's not fate.
That's just poor bladder control.
I wouldn't mind the toilet, actually.
And also, it was day one.
I mean, I've had a longer relationship
with the woman who threads my eyebrows,
and me and her, well--
Well, me and her,
we don't really talk about anything.
I wasn't even that into him.
-I mean, was he nice? Yes.
Did I feel comfortable around him? Yes.
Was it ever going to work? I don't know.
Maybe, but that's life, and, you know,
I love being single. Like so much so.
- Course you do.
- Hmm?
You know, for a lad you're not that into,
you do talk about him a lot, love.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You do.
- So, I was thinking.
- I don't.
She's just been through this huge battle,
but she's also been
through an internal battle.
Do I?
You know, sort of figuring out
that this guy is actually pretty special.
This needs to be iconic.
It's the end of the movie.
He deserves, like,
some kind of grand gesture, you know?
We know more about Neptune
than we do about the human anus.
Yeah?
That's a fact.
Last night, I was at this soire
with the white brother from Twilight.
Yeah.
He was telling me
my next ting should be toenails.
- Toenails?
- Yeah.
You're such a knob.
Uh, sorry?
Sorry, not-- Sorry, not, just, uh...
Actually, not gonna do this again.
I'm leaving now.
Hey, babes.
I beg you, let me buy the hairy one.
- Not gonna happen, babe.
- Please.
- Absolutely not.
- Please.
No.
That's mine, in case anyone was wondering.
Nice.
It's okay, Dom. You can look.
Nah, I'm-- I'm cool.
- So--
- She's not here.
What happened?
You and Yas were annoyingly perfect
for one another.
Mm-hmm.
I don't think either of us were ready.
And, um, I guess she still isn't.
Oh, shit.
Babes,
they're bringin' out the new "canaps."
- Uh--
- Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go on. Go on.
Just have a sneaky look.
No.
It'll cheer you up.
Mmm, I'm not looking at your bum.
It's got healing powers.
Leave me alone.
That's mine, by the way.
- Uh, hey.
- Hey.
Um, I was prayin'
that you weren't gonna pick up.
Thought I'd be too busy
wanking away in my single bed?
Turns out, I was the wanker.
Um, a-are you at Nathan's show?
Yeah. But you're not.
Actually, I should be by any second.
Oh, cool. It'd be good to see you.
- Cheers.
- Yeah?
Turn around.
That's you, right?
I knew you were a boat waver!
Wait, is that you?
Yeah.
What are you doin'? You're miles away.
Come down and meet me.
Please?
Listen, I'm really sorry
for all the shit I said. I was a dick.
I was being overly sensitive.
Can you stop being nice? Please.
I'm trying to explain.
The thing is,
that day at Nathan's thing, I just--
I didn't wanna be sad anymore.
And so, I lied.
And then you called me iconic.
And I liked that you saw me that way,
so I kept on lyin'.
Come on. It wouldn't have mattered.
I'd think you were cool either way.
- Yeah.
I know that now.
Maybe we can start over.
Yas! Wait. Where you going? Yas! Wait!
I'm on a fucking boat!
Sorry. Sorry.
Why are you on a fucking boat?
'Cause I figured you deserve
the grand gestures for once, bub.
What's happening?
Right. Yeah, I didn't-- I didn't actually
check what route this is taking, so--
Stay where you are. I'm comin', okay?
I don't really have a choice.
And just so you know,
I still think you're iconic.
I'm coming, Captain!
Where are--
Hey.
Hey.
So...
- Do you wanna--
- Do you fancy-- No.
You-- You go.
I was just gonna say, do you wanna--
Go ahead.
I was just gonna say...
Do you wanna go for a stroll?
Yeah.
But you do have to make
the last train though, right?
Nah.
I'ma see what happens.
- Oh. Oh.
Aight, boom.
We could
We could keep it simple
Towering over us
Like a Rothko
It doesn't have to be
Complicated
Educated
I know you like to travel
We already got our passports
In the bag
We don't have to go
Anywhere
Let our love unravel
Could you be
The best I've ever had?
Seems like
You've always been there
Treat you like a queen
You won't forget
Spend some time, love
You won't regret
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
We could keep it simple
Playful
Tumblin' over dust
Like dominoes
It doesn't have to be
Complicated
Educated
I know you like to travel
We already got our passports
In the bag
But we don't really have to go
Anywhere
Let our love unravel
Could you be
The best I've ever had?
It seems like
You've always been there
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regrets
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regrets
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
And I'll give it all to you
Oh, open up
Oh, open up
Oh, open up
-Open up
-Open up, oh, open
Treat you like you
Won't forget
Spend some time, love
No regret
Oh, open up
Oh, open up to me
And I'll give it all to you
Oh
Give it all
Open up
Oh, shit!