Sailor Beware (1952) Movie Script

- Well, Jim, they look pretty good, huh?
- Certainly do, Chief.
If it does, it'll be a miracle.
Hey, how long we gotta
stand in line, sailor?
- Sailor?
- Oh, you're the doorman?
Have you ever considered
any other branch of the service?
The Army recruiting office is
just down the street, you know.
Oh, thanks gobs, gob,
but I gotta get in the Navy.
It's practically doctor's orders,
Doctor's orders?
Oh, yes, sir. You see, it's my allergies,
and my doctor says I need ocean travel,
and this is the only way I can afford it.
Do you know anyone in there?
The chief of this station and I are
as close as that.
Oh. Then maybe you can
do me a favor, sir.
You see, I'm a little bit worried
about passing a physical,
and I thought maybe
you could get the chief in there
to put in a good word for me.
Well, you can depend on that.
I'll see that the chief tells them
all about you.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you very much, sir.
Gee, I hope he don't forget
to tell the chief about me.
Hey, buddy, I can't watch you go down
for the third time.
Be my guest?
Oh, you want I should change places
with her?
You don't have to get mad.
I was just asking.
Now, look, honey,
we can't hold up the Navy.
Oh, Al, doll!
That'll hold you for four years.
Goodbye, sugar.
Goodbye, Al.
- Wasn't that...
- Hetty Button.
You know, if I could kiss a girl like that,
I wouldn't have to join the Navy.
Oh, cheer up, Atlas,
I'm only going through the motions.
I go in one door and come out the other.
They won't have me.
- How do you know?
- This is the 11th time I've tried to enlist.
They keep rejecting me.
I have a trick knee.
But these goodbyes
sure make it worthwhile.
You mean after 11 times
she hasn't caught on?
That's the 11th girl.
Gee, you're lucky.
I can't even get close to a girl.
I'm allergic to face powder,
perfume and lipstick.
If I get too close to a girl,
my uvula becomes edematous,
which means inflamed,
and if it becomes inflamed, it swells up.
Then I can't breathe.
And if I can't breathe,
that could become fatal.
- You said a mouthful.
- Do you know women could kill me?
What a way to die.
Although I could dose myself with
privine, pyrobenzamine and Benadryl,
then breathing would be possible
but so expensive
I'd probably starve to death.
Yeah, what's the difference?
If you can't go out with any women,
you might as well be dead anyhow.
I got it. Why don't you go out
with a lot of women,
kiss them and build up an immunity?
I can't even get close to a girl.
I've never been kissed.
Even my mother wouldn't have
the nerve.
Well, that figures.
All right, come on, let's close up.
The old man is still as bad as ever.
Where do you think you're going?
I was just... Nowhere.
- What's it to you?
- Get back where you belong.
Don't let that fathead
talk to you like that.
Who's calling me a fathead?
My friend has a right to his own opinion.
Is that your opinion?
I'll say it is. He thinks you're a stupid ox.
- Now I'm a stupid ox, huh?
- I didn't say anything.
Don't back down.
Tell him you'll punch him in the nose.
Stop putting words in my mouth.
I won't say that.
- You won't say what?
- "I'll punch you in the nose."
- Oh, I said it.
- Why, you...
He broke the whole chest. Now my ribs
are busted, they're all smashed.
Come on.
Hey, do you see that?
That little guy down the line?
- Yeah, Chief.
- Well, naturally, I don't want to interfere
and I don't want any leniency shown,
but I do want to make certain
that this guy is really physically fit
for the Navy.
Okay, Chief.
The squirt down the line is
a friend of the chief's. Pass it on.
The weird one's a friend of the chief.
Wouldn't you know?
See that squirrelly character
down there?
A friend of the chief's.
Hey, they're all staring at me.
Stare back at them.
Well, let's face it,
you are a little different.
Fill these out. Go over in the corner
and strip. Make it snappy.
Fill these out. Go over in the corner
and strip. Move along.
Here are some papers
that we have to have filled out.
We hope it won't be too much trouble.
Then after that, would you mind going
over in the corner and disrobing?
I don't even know you.
Well, all of the other fellows are.
Wouldn't you?
In your mouth.
Open up. Open up.
What's your surname?
You talk backwards.
You mean, "What's my name, sir?"
I said surname.
- Sir?
- Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, sir.
Oh, you don't have to talk so polite
to me. No one ever does.
You can call me Melvin.
Melvin Jones.
Have you ever had erysipelas,
appendicitis, mumps, whooping cough,
eye, ear, nose or throat trouble,
hay fever?
Any illness
other than those already noted?
That's all.
Hey! Where's my thermometer?
That was a thermometer?
I thought it was a peppermint stick.
- Roger. Over and out.
- Quiet!
Did you lose something?
No, but I think you did.
Where's your heart?
You're the doctor.
Be a good little boy now
and tell the doctor where your heart is.
You find it. I'm no stool pigeon.
You're cold.
Cold. Getting warmer.
Here, I'll help you.
I don't like to worry you, son, but did you
ever think of taking it easier?
You know, a thing...
There must be one someplace.
Finally found it. Running like a watch.
Gee, I wish they'd tell us if we passed.
Say, before they do,
I'd like to get something off my chest.
Fellas, in the 11 times
that I've tried to enlist,
I've never met a nicer bunch of men.
That goes for me, too.
Thanks to you, Al. Best of luck to youse.
I'm really sorry to have to leave,
except for you.
And I can say in all my Navy experience,
I've never met a bigger fathead.
Why you, I...
Lardoski, recruiting officer wants
to see you.
Right, Chief.
- Crowthers?
- Well, this is it, fellas.
I've got good news for you.
They lowered the physical requirements
in the past two weeks. You're in now.
In fact, you all made it.
They can't do this to me.
Why don't you write a letter
to your congressman?
What good will that do?
No good, but you'll have a pen pal.
Lardoski, when we find someone
in a group of recruits
who has the qualities of leadership,
we put him in charge.
As a veteran
who has decided to re-enlist,
you'll get your old rating back.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, yes. Here are the records.
It's guys like that fathead Lardoski
that must've caused the physical
requirements to be lowered.
Yeah, and I bet the Navy will get
those brainy guys
to boss around the fatheads.
Boy, I'm gonna work real hard, too,
and I'm gonna try
and get a commission.
And if I ever become a private,
will I boss that Lardoski around.
Oh, no, I will.
I'll walk right up to him,
I'll say, "You're a fathead."
And I'd say,
"You're a stupid ox and you're..."
You're here!
Petty Officer Lardoski will take charge
of this group.
You will take your orders from him.
Remember, men,
you're in the Navy now.
Okay, men, two ranks through this door,
and I don't want no goldbricking.
Excuse me, handsome.
Where do you get
that "handsome" stuff?
Didn't I hear the man call you
a pretty officer?
He said, "Petty officer."
Okay, look alive, now.
Get going. Keep moving.
What's the matter?
I'm seasick already.
Oh, come here.
Oh, boys.
Come on. Come on.
Pardon me, gentlemen,
but you are keeping the Navy waiting.
If you will kindly pass through the gates,
we'll try to make your life
comfortable and cozy.
Come up and see us sometime.
Get going, you dumb clucks!
On the double. You're in the Navy now!
Step up. Right up here.
You're done.
- Hey, give me that.
- Don't yell. I'm nervous.
- What do they want me here for?
- They want a sample of your blood.
Who's giving samples?
Blood isn't dress goods.
You say, "Snip off a swatch."
You wanna see if it matches
the living room drapes.
Don't get excited.
Well, blood isn't orange juice.
What do they wanna do, sample it?
And if they like it,
come back tomorrow for two quarts?
They want a sample so they can type it.
They're not gonna type with my blood.
Let them use a typewriter ribbon.
- Ma!
- Hey, Melvin!
- Ma!
- Hey, get back in line there.
Do you have an appointment?
Would you mind waiting just a minute?
What's the matter?
Aren't you housebroken?
Hey, you don't use makeup, do you?
No, just a little lipstick.
Oh, I'm glad. What's your name?
Hilda Jones.
That's a coincidence. That's my name.
- Hilda?
- No, Jones. Melvin Jones.
- Where were you born?
- I don't know.
You don't know where you were born?
Oh, I thought you asked me
why was I born.
I was born in a bed, I think.
Don't you know?
How would I know?
I was just a little baby at the time.
Oh, come on, we're wasting time.
- Have you been at the bank before?
- Three times.
- Three times?
- I wanted to get a loan.
You wanted to borrow from the bank?
Well, I was a little short at the time.
I'd have paid it back
in a couple of months.
You should be ashamed of yourself,
trying to borrow blood
when it's so badly needed.
- Blood?
- Yes.
Everyone should donate
to the blood bank.
- What type are you?
- Oh, the quiet type.
- What type are you?
- Oh, the quiet type.
I go to bed at 9:00,
see a movie now and then,
read some books, play checkers.
No, I mean,
what kind of blood have you?
- Red.
- Oh, come on, we're wasting time.
I'll turn you over to the Red Cross nurse,
and she'll give you your orange juice.
- Orange juice?
- Yeah.
She'll give you a glass of orange juice,
and you give her a pint of blood.
Oh, that sounds like a fair exchange.
She gives me a glass of orange juice
and I give her...
A pint?
I haven't got any more samples, fellas.
I just gave it all away.
I'm scared. No, I'm scared.
Oh, come on, fellas.
- You still here?
- Yeah.
Did you expect me to be back
at my old job, singing in a nightclub?
Meet my agent. He gets 10%.
That's all for you.
All right, let's go. You're next.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, Melvin, this won't hurt you.
Go ahead.
- It won't hurt?
- It won't hurt.
- It won't hurt.
- No.
- What have you been doing?
- I've been to the blood bank.
Looks like your account's overdrawn.
Could I get fired for this?
No, but if you should see birds
following your ship,
don't bet they're seagulls, brother.
They're vultures.
Let me try that other arm.
You sure you're living?
Am I sure I'm living?
I don't know.
Made a hole in the wrong place.
I missed the hole, too.
- What's par for this course?
- All right, all right.
It don't have to be blood.
I'll take anything.
Let's turn him upside down.
Maybe it runs the other way.
Well, might as well give up, fellas.
We'll get blood if we have to dig all day.
What're you doing, patching a tire?
I never had so many needles stuck
in me in my whole life.
- Oh, I don't feel good.
- Oh, I'll get some water.
- You'll be all right.
- But I don't feel good.
- Oh, brace up now.
- I'm dizzy.
- No, you're all right.
- I'm all right.
Here, drink this.
I feel much better now.
Thank you very much.
I'm leaking. Oh, I'm leaking.
Oh, no! Oh, no! No, not that.
Oh, no! No, not that.
I never touched him.
All right, men, this is your new home.
Grab any bunk
and stow away your gear.
Hey, you, tuck in your skivvy shirt.
Well, what's that for?
This is my money belt, so I can save
all the money I earn in the Navy.
For what?
So I can study electronics
when I'm through with my enlistment.
I'm not gonna be foolish with my money
and gamble and drink it away.
Besides, I can't go out with girls.
Well, all right, come on.
Let's look for our bunks,
because the only thing
you'll be able to do around here
- in your spare time is sleep.
- Oh, here's a couple.
Okay, you take the top. Go ahead.
Throw the bag up there.
Hey, what...
Why, you... Let me up out of here.
- I ought to...
- All right, now, take it easy, Chief.
He didn't mean to. He slipped.
I'll take care of you later, Jones.
Come on, Melvin.
Why do I always get in trouble?
You know,
I thought you were gonna be my friend,
someone I could look up to,
someone to be real close to me.
Someone who'd stick by me
through thick or thin.
Now you think I'm stupid.
Don't cry, Melvin.
I don't think you're stupid.
That's funny. Everyone else does.
- Hey, Al?
- Yeah?
Do you think I'll ever get
to look like a sailor?
Sure. Why, in eight weeks
I won't know you from Admiral Halsey.
Arms out. Two-count exercise.
Keep your arms straight, your head up.
Keep your arms straight. Ready?
Begin! One, two, one, two.
- Up, down, up, down.
- One, two, one, two,
one, two, one, two, up, down, up, down,
one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two and two.
Feet apart with a jump, arms sideward.
A four-count exercise
beginning with the left hand.
Four-count exercise
beginning with the left hand. Ready?
- Begin.
- Begin!
One, two,
three, four.
- One, two.
- Left up.
- Three, four.
- Right up.
Left up, right up.
A one, two and four.
Feet together with jump,
arms downward. Sink.
Arms sideward and upward.
Ready? Begin!
One, two, down, up.
Down, up, a one, two.
Down, up, a one, two.
A one, two, one, two, one, two.
Down, up, down, up.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
Down. Up. Two and halt.
Palms together, turn,
arms sideward and downward. Sink.
Feet apart with a jump and neck.
- Fast.
- Fast.
...two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four.
A one, two, three, four. A one, two.
Feet together with a jump,
arms downward. Sink.
Break rank, fall out
and get your clothes!
Break ranks!
Fall out, get your clothes! Dismissed!
All right, men, this is the procedure
for lowering a boat.
Muster crew,
remove cover and strongback.
See that the automatic plug is free.
Have painter forward outside of davits.
Let go all gripes and boat chocks.
Remove reel covers,
raise boat clear of chocks,
belay the falls,
slack davit, guys, and...
Jones, repeat what I just said.
Word for word?
Every if, and, and but?
Start talking!
Muster crew,
remove cover and strongbacks.
Be sure the automatic plug is free.
Have painter forward
outboard of davits.
Let go of gripes and boat chocks,
remove reel cover.
Raise boat to clear chocks.
Belay the falls and slack davit, guys.
One, two, stroke!
That's it, men. Put your backs into it.
- Watch the head.
- Stroke.
Come on, I said, watch the head!
- Get it out of the way.
- Stroke.
You missed.
Get the water out of that boat.
Aye, aye, sir.
Get the water out of the boat!
Get the water out of the boat!
Jones, I said,
get the water out of the boat!
Get the water out of the boat.
Get the water out of the boat.
Put that plug back!
Aye, aye, sir.
- Jones, get the water out of that boat.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- Get the water out of the boat!
- Aye, aye, sir.
- Out of the boat.
- Aye, aye, sir.
Get the water...
At this point in your training,
you guys could figure on a big liberty,
but it don't look like
we're gonna get one on account
of the way a certain bluejacket
has been acting up.
What's this "certain bluejacket" stuff?
You afraid to mention his name?
No, I ain't. If the shoe fits, put it on.
There's no basis for metabolism.
Certainly I'm aware of the fact that
there are other men concerned here,
and you still can't feel that
a physical being is abstract.
You've got to base the full heart
and soul on the ingredient
that other people are aware of the fact
that physical being isn't even involved.
- Isn't that right?
- Why, you stupid, little...
- Which one of you guys is Crowthers?
- Here, sir.
Special Service would like you to sing
on the Tempting Kiss TV show today.
I've arranged for your liberty.
Thank you, sir, but I don't think it's fair
that I should take liberty
just because I can sing a song,
and the rest of the fellows
have to stay here
because a certain chief enjoys
taking liberty from a certain bluejacket.
All right, Crowthers.
Lardoski, give all of these men liberty,
if they can be ready in a half an hour.
- Are you on liberty, too?
- Uh-huh.
Gee, Hilda, I'm glad I met you.
- You know, I just thought of something?
- What?
What would happen if I get a call
to return to the base,
pack my equipment, board the ship, and
they sent me to Alaska or someplace?
I wouldn't forget you.
Well, I'll see that you don't.
Stick out your hand.
- Hey, you tied a square knot.
- I did?
I didn't even know I could do it.
Would you go into town with me?
Well, that'll keep you away
from the rest of the girls, won't it?
We better hurry.
I want you to hear Al sing.
What is this Tempting Kiss Lipstick?
Oh, that's the kind I use.
It doesn't smear or rub off.
You want to test it?
Here in the street, in front of everyone?
Okay, test it.
- You're right, nothing happened.
- I'll say nothing happened.
Come on, we'll be late.
- Come on.
- All right.
Oh, here we are.
- Where are we going?
- Right here.
A television station?
They got a cathode tube and
a master oscillator that just won't quit.
Come on.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, how are
all my kissable girls today?
Fine, Mr. Chubby.
We have a lot of fun here, don't we?
Yes, sir.
And today, today we're going to select
the most kissable girl in San Diego.
Now, what do you think of that, huh?
And the winner will receive
a Hellman mink coat,
a complete set
of Chapman bicycle tires,
an Ellington grease gun,
a 10-year supply
of Go Gettum Dog Food,
four Donavan wristwatches,
10 glorious days
at the Palm Garden Hotel in Honolulu
and a complete wardrobe by Edythe
for the lucky girl who gets the trip.
There's our sailor now.
- We've been waiting for you.
- Who, me? What did I do?
- Will you come up here, please?
- Oh, yeah.
Isn't he handsome, girls?
This is my pal, Al Crowthers.
He's supposed to sing on your program.
Here's our first guest, ladies,
Al Crowthers.
Take it away, Al. You'll accompany him?
- Oh, yeah. Where are we going, Al?
- We're not going anywhere, Melvin.
- He wants you to help me with my song.
- Oh, well, how?
I don't know. We haven't got
an orchestra. I don't know what to do.
- You want I should hum?
- No, no.
Got any other ideas?
Yeah, I have an idea.
- Oh, good. Go ahead, bring them up.
- Come on up, fellas.
Yeah, you play the piano, Fred.
I'll be too old to sing this number.
Now, hurry up.
You are the one girl I love
As long as stars shine above
The stars that shine
The stars that shine
The stars that shine
This is no mere infatuation
One, two, three, four
We love your voice, so sing some more
This time it's real
The sweet sensation
Always and always together
That's how it's fated to be
You are the one girl
For me
You are my one love
And now, ladies, don't you think
a sailor would make a perfect judge
for our Tempting Kiss contest?
Where's the handsome one?
Oh, well, you'll do.
We want you to be our judge.
You're going to be Mr. Temptation.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- He seems to be a little bit shy.
But we'll take care of that,
won't we, girls?
Can you imagine anyone being shy
who comes from...
Where'd you say you were from?
He's from Brooklyn!
Now, before our contest begins,
a word on behalf of our sponsor. We...
I didn't say Brooklyn.
We of the Tempting Kiss
Lipstick Company believe...
- I was born in Ottumwa, lowa.
- Ottumwa, lowa! Well...
Tempting Kiss Lipstick won't smear,
won't stain...
- Where were you born?
- Galesburg, Illinois.
All right. All right.
Tempting Kiss Lipstick comes in
three convenient sizes.
- You can get it in...
- Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
Now, please. You just go
right over there and sit down.
Will you, please? Just take a chair
for a minute. Right over there.
That's right. Thank you very much.
Our product is sold in the stubby,
the regular and in...
Irvington, New Jersey!
Harlan, Kentucky.
Quincy, Massachusetts.
Clearwater, Florida.
San Diego, California.
San Diego? That's my station.
I gotta get off of here.
Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't.
You're going to stay right here
and select the most kissable girl
in San Diego.
Now, remember, ladies, it's within
Mr. Temptation's power
to give any of you a mink coat
and 10 glorious days in Honolulu!
All right.
All right, now one contestant at a time,
please, one at a time.
Ready? Go!
One at a time, girls, one at a time!
One at a time!
Ladies, ladies, ladies!
Ladies, one at a time.
Oh, stop it, you stupid, old...
One at a time, girls!
One at a time!
One at a time!
- Maybe he's in Studio 7.
- Try it. Try it.
I am Pierre. I am the top man.
There he is.
I am the top man.
This man is an imposter.
These lovely models will now show
the newest trend in swim fashion.
What a town this is.
The dames won't have anything to do
with sailors around here.
Oh, yeah?
Wait till you see the beautiful babe
that's gonna meet me here.
Boy, look at those beautiful babes.
Hey, the one on the end is my date.
The black Lastex molded one-piece suit
with one shoulder strap.
Note the water-proofed jeweled pin
at the neckline.
Wait a minute. Hey, ain't that Jones?
It's Mr. Temptation.
Hey, he's kissing my dame.
What's the matter,
somebody blow a tube?
Yeah, my friend here.
Hilda, please let me explain.
It wasn't my fault.
Well, you certainly acted
like you enjoyed it.
Go on back to your public,
Mr. Temptation.
I'm going back to the base.
Oh, but, Hilda, listen.
Please, leave me alone.
I can hardly breathe.
Well, here you are.
Now, before you run away again,
I want to know who won our contest.
I don't care who won the contest.
All I know is I lost.
But we must know who won our contest.
Now, who's the most kissable girl
in San Diego?
Miss Hilda Jones
of the Navy training center.
Some nerve!
Well, thank you. Thank you very much.
You're my witnesses. Thank you.
Don't speak to me
after kissing all those girls.
- You won the contest.
- You can have your old contest
and you can have your piece of string,
too. I don't want it!
What's the matter, sailor,
did you lose something?
I lost a piece of string.
You wouldn't have any Benadryl,
would you?
This one must've been drinking
tear gas.
Oh, gee.
I was just trying to find a string.
Imagine just kissing girls
putting a guy in a hospital.
Hey, Doc,
what room is Melvin Jones in?
Right in here. But no visitors.
No kidding. Is he real sick?
He has an edema
of the olfactory system.
See? You ask a foolish question,
you get a foolish answer.
And stay out of this room, huh?
Oh, pardon me, Lieutenant.
Jones in 116. He won't take his pill.
- Oh, he won't, eh?
- Pardon me, Lieutenant.
- How's our friend Jones?
- I don't know.
But if he doesn't cooperate with me,
his condition is going to be a lot worse.
How would you like me to be waiting
for you when you get off duty?
How would you like to spend 30 days
in the brig?
I see you got refrigeration here.
When it comes to sailors,
she's colder than a deep freeze.
And my pal Melvin's just lucky enough
to be the one to defrost her.
Come on, now, let's take this pill.
I only have a 13 and a half neck.
It'll choke me.
Not if you take it
with a big swallow of water.
I want my mother.
Isn't he sweet?
Now, if your mother was here,
she'd say,
"Open your mouth."
Well, come on, open it.
Open it up. Come on.
That's right. Now, stick out your tongue.
Stick it out.
Now, take a big swallow of water.
That's the boy.
- It went down.
- Of course it did.
Now, it'll make you sleep.
Come on, now, lie back.
Lieutenant, I'm homesick.
- I don't think I'll be able to sleep.
- But you must sleep.
If my mother was here,
she'd kiss me right here.
All right.
It's sure taking her a long time
to give him a pill.
He probably didn't cooperate,
and she had to get rough.
Hey, let's take a look.
Sleep well, my dear boy.
Boy, the way those models
went after that Melvin...
I don't know. It's a mystery to me.
Did you see the way
they tore him apart?
I figure it this way.
Girls just can't resist him.
Hey, I'll lay a little money
I can pick a dame
who won't have anything to do with him.
If she does, I'll pay off.
- Well, put up or shut up.
- I'll bet six months pay.
- I'll take $100 of that.
- I'll take $200 of that.
I'll bet my wristwatch.
Okay, I'll take all bets.
You're all covered.
And if you know of anybody else,
just send them around to see me.
Hey, Chief.
Sailing orders for your draft.
Okay, men, gather around.
These are our orders.
"For the purpose of fleet training
"and for familiarization
with various types of naval craft,
"Training Squadron 87 B will be
dispatched to Honolulu
"in the following manner."
They got it cut up into three classes.
Destroyers, battleships and submarine.
- Submarine?
- Yeah, and our group's on it.
Hey, that's where Corinne Calvet is.
I'll be able to see her.
You better be careful
Melvin doesn't see her first.
Hey, that's the girl. Corinne.
All the dough that Jones can't make
the grade with her.
- Corinne?
- No, that makes it too tough.
- What's the matter, you getting yellow?
- Okay, Corinne it is.
All right, men, let's get on the ball.
Turn in and get a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow we're on our way.
Now, hear this.
Now, hear this. Drill in one hour.
Hi, Al. Look, I'm all cured.
Well, you look like you're in shape
to kiss a girl.
Hilda? Oh, she's mad at me.
She won't even talk to me.
No, not Hilda.
Well, you know, any other dame,
I can't get close to.
I get swelling in back of my nose.
If you don't get close to the girl
I tell you to,
you'll get a swelling
in the front of your nose.
There's a lot of money bet on you.
What if Tiger disappears
with all that loot?
Don't worry.
I got a couple of guys watching him.
And he's holding the bets.
Holding bets on me? What for?
- Now, look, you're my pal, right?
- Yeah.
I said that no girl can resist you,
and Lardoski says they can.
So the guys got a lot of dough together,
and they bet that you can kiss any girl
that Lardoski named.
He named Corinne.
And, kid, I bet a bundle myself.
What if I'm allergic to her
and I can't kiss her?
Then you and all the boys will lose
all your money.
I won't do it on purpose, but if I do,
well, you can borrow money from me.
- No, Melvin, that's all right.
- Oh, no. I won't take no for an answer.
You are my friend and you are my pal.
You can have all the money you want.
- No, Melvin, that's all right.
- What do you keep saying no for?
Because I bet six months of your pay
and every cent you had
in your money belt.
Well, that's no reason to say no.
Because you bet six months of my pay
and all the money in my money belt?
Take it easy.
Now, just shut up and listen.
There was nothing else I could do.
You're my buddy, right?
You wouldn't want me to lose my money
and not lose yours, too, would you?
Oh, well, that would be selfish
on your part.
Sure. Besides, if you win,
you'll practically be a millionaire.
If I win, I won't be able to breathe.
Now, which is more important,
breathing or money?
Besides, the boys bet a fortune on you.
All right, I'll do the best I can.
And where's this Corinne dame,
Well, what's there to worry about?
If she's in Honolulu,
we're here in San Diego,
- it could be years before we ever met.
- Yeah.
We're going to Honolulu tomorrow.
- What ship?
- Not by ship.
- Not by ship?
- No.
- Plane?
- Not by plane.
Not by plane?
What do they want us to do,
swim across?
- We're going by submarine.
- Oh, submarine.
I get sick going down in an elevator.
- What did he have to wind them for?
- Quit your beefing.
You're lucky nobody bet a cuckoo clock.
Detail, halt.
Detail from Training Squadron 87 B
reporting as ordered, sir.
At ease, men.
Lardoski, you'll be the only one
for whom it will not be a new experience
to sail aboard a submarine.
You'll be in charge of our passengers
and see that they don't get in the way
of ship's company.
- Yes, sir.
- It must be remembered that
we're merely transporting them.
They'll get their further assignments
when we get to Honolulu.
And for the rest of you men,
there is a certain freedom that's
permitted in the submarine service.
Among the officers and enlisted men,
we do away with the usual formalities
because of the confined space.
All right, Lardoski, you can load them
aboard the forward torpedo room hatch.
Oh, he's friendly.
Won't this be ginger peachy?
Yeah, real keen.
All right, men, follow me, single file.
Let's go!
Put your bag right down the hatch.
Take it easy now.
Watch your step.
You'll get used to it.
Follow him right down.
Bag, that's right.
I'm very glad we're gonna be informal.
My name is Melvin Jones,
but you can call me Melvin.
- Go on, get going!
- I'm going. You don't have to yell.
Why don't you watch what you're doing?
Stop the head, Al, stop the head.
- I don't like it here. I'm gonna quit.
- What do you mean quit?
Submarine service is
the safest part of the Navy.
Safest part? I almost got killed.
All you have to do is keep your head up,
eyes straight and watch your step.
Once you get the hang of it,
it's very simple.
Head up, eyes straight
and watch your step.
Now, let's go find our quarters
before something else happens to you.
Oh, come on!
Gee, I hope they checked this for leaks.
Watch where you're going.
Hey, Al, it ain't much,
but we could fix it up.
Well, do you think
it's good enough for us?
Not really, but I think we should grab it
before a couple of other guys do.
- Somebody else already grabbed it.
- Yeah?
Well, possession is
nine points of the law.
I'd like to see somebody else grab it,
huh, Al?
We'll put clean sheets on
and everything.
Melvin, you better leave the sheets on.
Leave the sheets on?
How do we know who slept on it?
Come on, Al, you're not helping me
at all. Throw these out in the hall.
- AI, the Commander. The Commander.
- This is my stateroom, sailor.
You've got one minute
to get this place cleaned up and get out,
or you'll spend the rest of this trip
chained to a torpedo!
I'm sorry, sir, we'll take care of it.
We'd better hurry.
They'll be assigning bunks.
All right, men, get your gear in order
and stow your empty sea bags
under the bunks.
And where were you?
Kissing the engineer?
- Come on, Lardoski, lay off of him.
- Yeah, lay off. I've been sick.
That first bunk is yours.
- Oh!
- Not up there. Down there.
- How am I supposed to get in there?
- You just lie down,
and the man above pulls his bunk down,
gets in, and so on.
Turk, Crowthers, these two are yours.
Bull, 'Bama, take those two.
Put that back into your sea bag.
It's just in case
we have to abandon ship.
I said put it back.
How can I get this back in my sea bag?
Now, get rid of that thing,
then turn in, all of you.
Shut up and turn in, all of you.
Big man, big...
Hey, Al?
- What?
- I forgot to take my shoes off.
- Hey, Turk.
- What?
He forgot to take his shoes off.
Thank you.
- You all right now?
- I never sleep with my shoes on.
All right, come on. Let's go.
You can put it down now.
Okay, Turk.
Hey, Al?
- What?
- I forgot to brush my teeth.
- Oh, do it in the morning.
- I'm thirsty.
Drill a hole in the side of the ship.
Where will I get the tools?
Lie still, will you?
I think I'm gonna faint. I gotta get up.
- Hey, Turk.
- What?
- Melvin's gotta get up.
- Why does he gotta get up?
He's sick. We gotta take care of him.
We gotta a lot of dough on him.
We've done everything
but sing him to sleep.
I like to be sung to sleep.
Okay, okay. I'll do that, too.
Tomorrow, forever
What's going on here?
You were ordered secured for the night.
- Yes, sir.
- Who was singing?
I was, sir. Seaman Crowthers.
Report to me in the mess compartment
in 10 minutes.
He didn't do it, sir. It was me.
Do what you want with me.
Swing me to the yardarm,
batten me down the hatches,
hoist me to the mizzenmast,
make me walk the plank,
throw me to the sharks.
I did the singing.
You couldn't.
- Crowthers reporting, sir.
- Very well.
Hey, I only sent for Crowthers.
Well, we wanted to take
the blame, too, sir.
I'm not blaming him for anything.
As you know, life aboard a submarine
can be pretty confining.
We like to keep the morale up.
I thought he'd like to sing
with the boys here.
- Oh, you mind if the fellows sit in?
- No, carry on.
Thank you, sir.
Well, let's start messing around
with something.
You know The Sailors' Polka?
Let's go.
Come on and play the sailors' polka
Make way for Navy blue
Oh, how the girls all love to polka
With a sailor who's tried and true
Where there is music
and there's moonlight
The Navy knows what to do
So come on and play the sailors' polka
Make way for Navy blue
Oh, the band will start in playing
When the fleet comes sailing in
They'll be hip hip hip hooray-ing
And the good times will begin
They'll be gobs and gobs of misses
Who'll be waiting on the shore
With gobs and gobs of kisses
For the gobs that they adore
Long before they drop the anchor
You will hear the music start
Every pretty girl will hanker
To win a sailor's heart
Yeah, the band will start in playing
And the dancing will begin
When the fleet comes sailing in
Come on and play the sailors' polka
Make way for Navy blue
Oh, how the girls all love to polka
With a sailor who's tried and true
Where there is music
And there's moonlight
The Navy knows what to do
So come on and play the sailors' polka
Make way for Navy blue
Make way for Na
Submerge, submerge.
- ... vy
- ... vy
Scrape the bottom.
- Blue
- Blue
Clark, go forward and relieve the watch.
Aye, aye, Chief.
Hey, Jones, take these wheels,
will you?
Chief, the hydraulic line carried away.
Come on down and give me a lift.
I wonder which one is the brake.
Take the scope.
I'll see what's going on down there.
What are you, a wise guy?
You ought to be shot out of a torpedo.
- He ought to be shot, period.
- I didn't mean to do nothing.
Knock it off.
Jones, you've caused more trouble
in the few days you've been on my ship
- than I've had in all my years of service.
- Nobody's perfect.
Lardoski, will you see
that he's kept out of mischief
- until we reach Pearl Harbor?
- Aye, aye, sir.
I know a very nice, quiet, safe place
to put you for the rest of this voyage.
Come on!
This is the Captain speaking
to all you new men.
We're going to make a dive shortly.
This is a normal operation.
You'll hear two blasts
on the diving alarm,
and in about 50 seconds we'll be under.
Clear the bridge, clear the bridge.
Dive, dive.
Green board, pressure in the boat, sir.
- Very well, 60 feet.
- 60 feet. Aye, aye, sir.
Al! Al!
Hey, down there,
if you can hear me, yell "Roger!"
- What is it, Captain?
- I don't know. You look.
If you can't hear me, can you see me?
Over. Roger.
- What do you figure it is?
- I've got no idea, sir.
It's Melvin. Melvin Jones.
Let's see.
Bye, seagull.
Pete, take a look at this.
- Did you make it out?
- Can't make it out, Captain.
Let's wipe it off.
- Still there, sir.
- Let's see.
Al! Al!
Take a look at this.
Looks like a sea monster to me,
Sea monster? What?
I've never seen anything like it before.
Make all preparations to surface.
Two main engines.
Standby to surface. Two main engines.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hey, you, there! Get down here.
- Who is that man?
- This is a fine way to treat a guest.
- What's that character doing up there?
- That character, sir, is Melvin Jones.
- Hey, you, get down here!
- I'm hurrying.
I'm coming as fast as I can.
You, Jones,
what were you doing on deck?
You closed the doors.
I can't swim. I could've drowned.
Didn't you hear the order
to clear the bridge and dive?
- Dive? I just told you I can't swim.
- Lay below.
- Through the hatch.
- Aye, aye, sir.
Liberty commences immediately.
Expires on board at 0745 tomorrow.
Leave your quarters.
Come on, let's go.
Pearl Harbor.
- Corinne.
- Oh, you lucky women.
Oh, you catching cold?
- No, I think there's girls on shore.
- You mean you can smell them?
No, he's used to that.
Every time women are around,
that's what happens to him.
He has that female radar
built right in his nose.
- And when it clogs, it means girls.
- Dames.
Now, put me down, fellas, please.
Hey, Al, tell them to put me down!
Fellas, please put me down.
Come on, fellas, will you put me down?
He's allergic to dames, lady.
We're using him like radar.
Yeah, they must be in here.
Look, his eyes are getting watery.
I can't breathe.
Put me down, I can't breathe.
That means we're warm.
Coming in, Lardoski?
You can say that again, mate.
And I'll point out Corinne.
You don't have to. I saw the picture.
Don't you "Hilda" me.
I'm even sorry we have the same name.
Let me down, fellas.
Are you stationed here?
No, I'm living here
for the 10 glorious days
I won on the Tempting Kiss
Lipstick contest.
The Navy granted me a leave.
Lady, stay away from him,
will you, please?
He's concentrating on only one dame.
Don't worry, sailor,
I'll stay away from him,
- as far as I can get.
- Hilda, please.
- Save your strength, Romeo.
- Hilda.
- Come on. Let's go inside.
- Let me down, fellas.
Merci beaucoup
Thank you, monsieur
Thank you
The cocktails you served
Were really so grand
And my heart skipped a beat
When you touched my hand
As you served me the
And that delightful cheese
It was so nice
Merci beaucoup
Thank you, monsieur
Thank you
I'm afraid that the wine
It went to my head
But I got such a
- There she is.
- What a piece of furniture.
Wow! I ain't never seen anything
like that except in pictures.
Gee, I wonder how that dress
would look on Hilda.
- Come on, let's go to the bar.
- Come on.
It was so nice
Thank you, monsieur
Thank you
- A bourbon and water, please.
- I'll have a Scotch and water.
Right, sir.
I thought you were out of the Navy,
Oh, I shipped over.
Where did Corinne go?
She'll be back soon. Are you still trying?
- Isn't everybody?
- They sure are.
My singer quit me last week on account
of she wouldn't date him.
I didn't understand it.
She used to get dreamy-eyed
every time he'd sing like this.
Moonlight becomes you
Oh, you mean,
Moonlight becomes you
Say, my patrons would enjoy having
a serviceman entertain them.
- Oh, I'm not interested.
- A little number in front of the band?
Anything the boys want is on the house.
Oh, that's different!
- Melvin, you're staying with me.
- I want to find Hilda.
You're staying with me
if you have to stand next to me
while I sing the song.
Oh, Al, no. Al.
- What was the name?
- AI Crowthers.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're very
fortunate in having a guest artist,
Seaman Al Crowthers,
United States Navy.
All right, Melvin,
you're gonna do a song with me.
- I don't know no song.
- Sure, the one we did in the submarine?
Oh, yeah, I like that number.
- The Sailors' Polka.
- Yeah, what do I do in it?
- You do the fast part.
- How's it go?
Oh, the band will start in playing
And the good times will begin
Oh, that's good. What part do you sing?
The slow part.
Come on and play the sailors' polka
Oh, let's try it.
- Come on and play the sailors' polka
- Oh, the band will start in
You're probably wondering
why I stopped.
- You forgot the words?
- Come on, Melvin, do the fast parts.
Oh, the band will start in playing
And the good times will begin
I got it now. Hurry up before I forget.
- Come on and play the sailors'
- Oh, the band will start in playing
Shut up!
What's wrong with you?
You got the easy part,
that's what's wrong.
- You want to switch parts?
- Yeah, let me do your part.
Come on and play the sailors' polka
I see birdies with wheels so bare
"See birdies with wheels so bare"?
- Oh, you, too?
- Will you get out of here?
Well, I didn't know the words,
so I made them up.
I don't like that song, anyhow.
How would you like to do a song
in unison?
- No, let's do it here in the club.
- Sure. Why leave?
Let's make it a little harder.
You and I do a trio.
Where we gonna get four guys?
Look, in this next number,
you don't even have to know the song.
You don't even have to sing.
Oh, we're gonna do another one
together both?
"Together both"? That's as bad as,
"Up the street, the soldiers,
"they're marching down."
Now, come on, let's sing the song.
You just automatically flow right into it.
- All right, let's flow.
- Okay.
My grandpa was a minstrel man
A minstrel man was he
And to tell the truth
I guess I've got
Some minstrel blood in me
You can have all the harps in heaven
Blow all the horns here on the ground
But I find I still
Get my greatest thrill
Every time I hear this sound
I love to hear
An old calliope
I love the melody of an old calliope
And when you hear
The thrilling harmony
Gather round
The minstrel's show's in town
It sounds so grand
That old calliope
What is more heavenly
Than an old calliope
Here comes the band
Oh, what a sight to see
Gather round
The minstrel's show's in town
Banjos strumming
Folks are humming
Minstrel's coming
What a show
What a show
- It's the finest show I know
- It's the finest show I know
- It's coming near
- It's coming near, it's coming near
- That old calliope
- What a sight to see
- Oh, what a melody
- What a melody
- On the old calliope
- Old calliope
- So loud and clear
- So loud and clear
- That thrilling harmony
- That thrilling harmony
- Gather round
- Gather round
- The minstrel's show's in town
- The minstrel's show's in town
There's the interlocutor
And Mr. Bones so full of life
Who's that lady
You were with last night?
That was no lady
That was my wife
- Ha ha
- Ha ha
- Ho ho
- Ho ho
- What a show what a show
- What a show what a show
- What a show
- What a show
Says the interlocutor
To Mr. Bones so full of pride
- Why does a chicken cross the road?
- Why, to get to that other side
I love to hear
An old calliope
I love the melody
Of an old calliope
And when you hear
That thrilling harmony
- Gather round
- Gather round
- The minstrel's show's in town
- The minstrel's show's in town
We're going to take you with us
wherever we go.
With that voice of yours,
we'll get free drinks all over the world.
- Okay.
- What'll you have?
Ginger ale. Then I wanna go home.
I don't think Corinne is gonna show up.
There she blows.
Who's the tugboat with her?
Oh, that's her secretary.
Her first line of defense.
Hold fast.
Here's to Corinne.
- Here's to Hilda.
- To dames.
Hello, Corinne, baby.
Remember me?
Miss Calvet to you.
Now go away, sailor, will you?
Oh, just testing. Same old Corinne.
All right, come on, champ.
Now you can do it.
Yeah, she can't resist you.
- I want Hilda.
- After all the dough we've got on you?
Go on, lover boy,
take a crack at Miss Hard-to-get.
And keep an eye on him,
because pretty soon everything on him
belongs to me.
I wish everything on me
belonged to somebody.
The way I'm ticking, my heart could stop
and I wouldn't know it for two days.
- You ready, Melvin?
- No, I'm scared.
Come on,
there's nothing to worry about.
- Come on, Melvin.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Atta boy.
- Good luck, Melvin.
- You can do it.
Watch this.
Hi, girls.
Don't say a word. Maybe they'll go away.
- Sit down, Melvin.
- Thank you.
Oh, pardon me,
but my name is Melvin Jones.
Would you like a sarsaparilla?
You sure he's a sailor?
Oh, sure. He's a wonderful guy
once you get to know him.
- We won't be around that long.
- Let's you and I dance.
Oh, I'd love...
Miss Calvet and I have
an agreement with the management.
We can't mingle with the guests,
especially sailors.
We only have an hour.
What can happen in an hour?
Now I'm not sure you're a sailor.
Go ahead. This one looks safe.
I don't feel safe.
- Do you have a light?
- Oh, I don't smoke.
- Do you mind if I do?
- Oh, yes, I do.
You see, the smoke irritates
the membranes in my nose.
Then my uvula becomes
edematous and...
Why don't you speak English?
Oh, I am. That means I can't breathe.
Well, I'm starting to feel that way, too.
Oh. You know, I wanted to say that...
- Well...
- Sailor, I don't know
what you and your friend have in mind,
but please count me out of it, will you?
- I think I better leave.
- I'm sorry.
You're not bad at all.
You're the quiet type, aren't you?
Not the wolf type.
May I walk with you?
Now, you see,
why did you have to spoil everything?
Just like the other sailors.
My answer is the same to everyone.
Hello, Corinne.
How about me taking you
to the base gym tonight
to see the Navy Relief Smoker?
Sailor, I'd love to,
but this is a public appearance,
- not a private one.
- Yeah, and excuse me, sir, I'm with her.
Oh, go pick a coconut, sailor.
- Oh, no, I have an appointment with her.
- Well, I just cancelled it.
What do you mean by barging in
when I'm talking to a lady?
Shove off before
I belt you where you breathe!
Take your hand off me.
You're wrinkling this suit.
Now, stop, both of you!
- You coward, hiding behind a lady.
- Why, you!
All right, men, that's enough.
There'll be no brawling in public.
- What seems to be the trouble, Melvin?
- No trouble, Al.
It's a good thing you came along,
Lieutenant. I'd have smashed him.
I'm Lieutenant Conners,
Base Recreation Officer.
There's no use wasting a good fight.
You fellas can settle your score
at the base gym tonight.
I'd have given him the old one-two, Al.
Three, four, seven, eight, nine.
- The base gym?
- The fights start at 8:00.
And you better be there
promptly, too, buddy.
- And if I ain't there, start without me.
- Come on, Melvin.
Well, he started it, Al.
I would've given him a shot...
Why'd you put
the bandage on my hands
before you put the gloves on?
So when you hit him,
you won't break your knuckles.
Why don't you put some on my shoes
so I won't wear them out
from running away from him?
Now, look, Melvin, half the fights are
won in the locker room.
- You got to wage psychological warfare.
- What?
He's just as scared as you are.
Act like this is nothing to you.
Make him believe you've been a fighter
all your life.
Then he'll be so scared that when
you lift your arm, he'll fall right down.
I wouldn't let anything happen to you,
would I?
We'll soon find out.
Put on the act right now. Go ahead.
Listen, Melvin,
how long you been fighting?
I been fighting now
for about sisteen years.
- Sisteen?
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's about sisteen years.
- Sisteen. What do you mean?
- Sisteen. Fourteen, fifteen, sisteen.
- Sisteen.
Oh, sure. How many fights have you
had altogether?
Altogether now, when you add them up,
I had
- 101 fights.101.
- Yeah.
- I win them all but a hundred.
- Good.
Where... Let's see,
where are you from originally?
- Oh, I moved.
- You moved?
Yeah. Originally I come from
Newark, New Jersey.
That's my hometown.
And I started fighting there,
I was just a kid.
- I think I was...
- How old were you?
- Oh, about sisteen years old.
- Sisteen?
- Like before. Fourteen, fifteen, sisteen.
- Sisteen. Yeah, sure.
Well, who was your toughest fight?
The toughest fight I had was
with Gene Tierney.
- That was the toughest fight.
- Gene Tierney.
You mean Gene Tunney.
You fight who you want,
I fight who I want.
Oh, yeah, I got it. Listen...
You know, there are a lot of different
types of fighters in here, right?
There're body punchers
and left hookers.
- What are you, a boxer?
- No, I'm a cocker spaniel.
What do you think I am?
Sure, I'm a boxer.
- I'm a very, very crowd-pleasing boxer.
- Crowd pleasing?
Crowd-pleasing. I was fighting about
two and a half months ago
- at the Howwood Wegion in California.
- Howwood Wegion?
- The Howwood Wegion.
- Howwood Wegion.
- Howwood Wegion in California.
- The Howwood Wegion?
- The Hollywood Legion in California.
- California! Oh.
I'm fighting there.
I'm sitting in my dressing room,
minding my own business.
A guy came backstage and says to me.
He says to me,
"Kid, I'll give you
a tousand dollars if you do..."
No, he said he'd give you
a thousand dollars.
- He said he'd give me a tousand dollars.
- A thousand dollars.
- Oh, you know him?
- No, I don't know him.
Oh, well, he offered me
a tousand dollars. I said...
Thousand dollars, he offered you.
- Tousand dollars.
- Thousand.
- Tou.
- T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D. Thousand.
Thou, thou, thousand.
- Thousand.
- Tousand dollars.
- Thousand.
- Kid, this is tough.
- It was ten hundred dollars.
- Ten hundred dollars!
Ten hundred dollars. I said,
"What I gotta do for this money?"
He said, "I'll give you the money
if you'll lay down in round two."
Well, I had turned it down, naturally,
because I never went
that distance before.
Oh, yes, it's a long way to go.
Hey, that guy's a professional.
Gee whiz, I can't fight a professional.
Why, that wouldn't be fair.
He's ring-wise.
Say, come on in
to the other dressing room.
I got an idea.
- Good.
- I tell you one thing, though,
the best fight I ever had in my whole life
was three years ago
- in Por Orga.
- Where?
- In Por Orga.
- Por Orga?
- I was... Por Orga.
- Por Orga.
- Por Orga! Por Orga!
- Oh, Portland, Oregon.
- That wasn't so hard now, was it?
- No, it wasn't hard.
Well, I got in the ring with that guy.
I don't forget that night, boy.
I get the guy. I get one, two, three, four.
And I thought I had him down that time
and I hit him a shot.
Hey! They've gone.
Oh, what am I gonna do, Al?
Don't worry about it.
- Look, I'm gonna teach you what to do.
- Yeah, because I don't know.
No, I'm gonna teach you to fight
in about a few seconds.
Come over here. We'll pretend
that this is the squared circle. Right?
- Yeah, yeah, what do I do?
- Always protect yourself.
Put your guard up like that.
Put up your guard.
- Yeah.
- Right, put this up. Right.
- Now, I hit you in the stomach.
- Why? Why?
Well, you hit me.
Why? 'Cause it wasn't protected.
Always protect your stomach.
Now watch. Put up...
Hit you on the head. Why? Why?
It wasn't protected.
You gotta protect it at the same time.
Up, down. Up, down. Protect.
Up, one. Watch.
The head, head. Stomach, stomach.
Head, stomach.
Gotta watch yourself all the time, see?
Watch what you're doing.
- Oh, that's good.
- Understand?
- Yeah.
- Now, any other questions?
Yeah, well, what happens
if we're in the ring
- and he hugs me?
- He doesn't hug you. That's a clinch.
- Yeah?
- Like this, watch.
Now, we're gonna watch this hand.
Look, watch that hand.
- Yeah, I'm watching it.
- No, protect it, not watch it.
Protect yourself
with this other hand, here,
and he'll hit you in the stomach
like that.
- Oh, I see. Yeah.
- Always protect yourself at all times.
Well, what happens when
this happens? I hit him? What'll he do?
He does this!
I didn't even hit you.
- 'Cause you like me?
- Come on, let's go in the ring.
- I know what to do now, Al.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Come on.
You let me know how the fight turns out.
- Come on.
- Good luck, Melvin.
Boy, is this gonna be a slaughter.
Come on, let's go, Melvin.
Get in through here.
Oh, I'm sorry, kid. Come on, get up.
What for?
I'll be back down here in a minute.
He hasn't got a chance against us.
We'll lick him. We'll murder him.
Gee, I wish we had this fight
in the hospital
so I could be nearer the medicine.
Oh, look!
That's not the guy
I was supposed to fight.
Well, maybe
the other guy didn't feel good.
- I don't feel good, either.
- Oh, Melvin, after all,
if it wasn't all right,
he wouldn't be in there.
They have rules, you know.
Everybody makes rules
how I should get beat up.
The next bout presenting
four rounds of boxing.
In this corner at 137 and a quarter,
Melvin Jones!
And his opponent in this corner
at 175 pounds,
Killer Jackson!
You weren't the guy
that was mad at me.
That was me kid brother.
We heard you was a pro,
so I'm substituting.
That's enough talk, boys.
Now, I want a good, clean fight.
Anyone knocked down,
I want you to go to a neutral corner.
No rabbit punches,
no hitting below the belt.
And keep your thumbs in.
Shake hands now, go to your corners
and come out fighting.
Remember, we're gonna give him
everything we got.
- What's that for?
- He said no hitting below the belt.
Come on, put that back in.
Now remember, we're going to give him
the old one-two.
- Open your mouth.
- What's that for?
That's so if he hits us,
he won't knock our teeth out.
Knock our teeth out.
Look at that.
One, two,
three, four, five.
I wasn't ready.
Melvin, get up!
Three, four, five, six.
Foul, foul.
- Let's go, Jones.
- Where we going?
Quit stalling and get in and mix it up.
- Foul.
- Quit stalling.
- Get in and mix it up.
- Foul!
Melvin, wake up here. Wake up.
It's so nice here.
Just the two of us in the moonlight.
All alone.
And by the ocean.
Come on. There, we'll get him this time.
Get up here and fight!
- I have my own strategy.
- Go on in that corner.
One, two, three, four.
- Come on, Melvin!
- Five.
Get up. Get up off the floor, Melvin.
Melvin, get up!
Look, Melvin, get up off the floor!
Come on, Melvin, let's go.
two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Oh, I didn't mean to do it.
Atta boy, atta boy, Melvin.
- I hope he's not mad at me.
- Oh, I thought for a while he had us,
but we took care of him.
Come on, let's get in the dressing room.
Come on, Melvin.
Watch your step here now.
Watch it.
How do you feel?
I could go another 10 rounds.
Atta boy. How about that fight, huh?
How do you like that?
Hey, maybe I'd better go in and check
and see what lover boy is doing.
But don't go too far with those bets.
- Don't worry.
- Hey, what gives?
- I thought this thing was in the bag.
- Oh, it was just tough luck.
I thought the Killer was gonna
take care of him.
But now, it's up to you guys to see that
he doesn't get to the party to
see Corinne.
After all, you guys got dough
bet on him, too, you know.
Sure, but what're we gonna do about it?
- Just keep him out of circulation.
- How?
Figure it out for yourselves.
These ain't Red Cross armbands,
you know.
Come on, Melvin,
we still have two hours to win that bet.
Hey, Melvin.
Some SPs are trying to keep you
from getting to that luau.
- How do you know?
- Lardoski talked them into it.
Let's get to the beach.
Corinne'll be there.
- Come on, it's our only chance.
- Not that way, Al.
- They're waiting outside.
- Then how am I gonna get out of here?
Oh, no, fellas.
Oh, come on, Melvin,
we haven't got much time.
Well, they're gonna recognize me
like this.
We'll figure out something
so they won't recognize you.
Upsy Daisy, that's it.
Look at that bunch of wolves.
- And I want to get thrown to them.
- Oh, now, wait a minute.
Remember what I told you
about sailors?
I remember.
Why do you think
I want to get thrown to them?
Never before
Has my heart felt a thrill like this
Never before
Never before
Never before
Has the whole world stood still like this
As I gaze at the face
I simply adore
After today
When they speak about paradise
I'll smile and I'll say
I've been there
Once or twice
For this is that once in a lifetime
The miracle of your kiss
I've never loved like this
Never before
His singing kind of gets you. I mean...
I know what you mean. It gets me, too.
- I like him when he sings.
- Were you listening?
It was nice.
I hope you didn't think I was rude
in the Mango Room.
Oh, I can easily forget all about it
if you'll take a stroll with me
down along the beach.
I thought this was a public appearance.
It is. He's my public.
I don't see why the chief needs
so many men
- just to catch one poor guy.
- Neither do I.
Drop us off here, fella.
Drop off, very quick. Chop, chop.
- I'm glad I changed my mind.
- You mean about hating sailors?
Well, you can't blame a girl
for being cautious.
- After all, how do I know when...
- When you're in love?
- Now, wait a minute. I didn't say that.
- Well, you shouldn't.
I ought to bring it up first.
You see, a guy says,
"All my life I've been waiting for you."
The girl says, "You have?"
He says, "Yeah."
Before you know it, you're in love.
And I know, because all my life
I've been waiting for someone like you.
- You have?
- Stop. Don't kiss him. Don't kiss him.
- Why?
- I just heard tonight there's a bet on
that a certain sailor will kiss you,
and half the fleet's in on it.
Who could resist kissing you?
I'm so sorry.
You almost won
a lot of money for your sailor friends.
Kissing me? Now, wait a minute.
Too bad,
you are just like the rest of them.
- Corinne, look...
- Stay out of my way, will you?
That's for all you men.
Very quick, very quick. Chop, chop.
- Aloha.
- Same to you.
- Have you seen anything of Jones?
- Nope.
Nobody went by me
but one of them Hawaiian dancers.
Which one?
That one.
It's Melvin.
- That's Melvin.
- That's Jones.
Shore patrol, shore patrol! Come on.
Run for it! They can't catch us.
Come on, run!
We can run faster than that.
Run, Melvin, run! Atta boy! Run!
- Leave me alone.
- Stop it. All of you.
Aren't you ashamed of yourselves
running after this little boy?
- Leave him alone.
- But he was
out of uniform and disturbing the peace.
He was entertaining the guests.
This is a party.
Are you hurt, little boy?
She kissed me! I won the bet!
- I won the bet!
- Sure.
You mean it wasn't Al?
No, they were betting I could kiss you.
Oh, you don't know how glad I am.
I could really kiss you for telling me this.
- Then what're you waiting for?
- All right.
Yay, Melvin!
- Hey.
- Oh, we won the bet, Al!
We won.
Gee, when you kiss me, I like it.
The other girls inflame my uvula.
Hurry it up, men. We're shoving off.
- Look, honey, we can't hold up the Navy.
- Wait a minute, Al.
That'll hold you for four years.
So long, sugar.
Why, you no good two-timer.
That's the same thing you told me.
Hey, Mel! Come on, Melvin.
- Go!
- Hey, it's Hetty Button.
Melvin, you're just like all the others.
I'll teach you. Double-crossing me.
Mother told me to beware of sailors.