Sailor Beware (1955) Movie Script

Right, customs forms.
Now, for those of you that can't read,
it says on this form, which those of you
who can write have already filled in,
that all contraband must be declared.
Get them filled in and don't let's have
any messing about.
- I've had trouble with him before.
- I'm taking no chances.
- Don't tell me you're declaring everything?
- What else can I do?
- Same as me, boy. Use your loaf.
- Got it in Japan for my Aunt Aggie.
- What did you pay?
- Packet of Woodbines.
- You were done.
- I'll put that on my form.
How many cigarettes have you got?
- 190.
- Well, you're allowed 200.
Aye, but I'm no" made of money.
- This yours?
- No.
- It's for my mother.
- Oh, is she a dancer?
No, she's not. She's...
All right.
Here, did you...? Och.
- Look, I've just counted them.
- We'll soon be on shore, now, Carnoustie.
Another 24 hours
and Shirley and I will be married...
Albert, get on with your packing.
How will you get on without me?
Who's gonna save you from the girls?
Oh, Albert, you ken fine
that women scare me to death.
They're awful possessive
and awful expensive.
Mind you,
I'm not saying I don't find them attractive.
But I'l no' give in to my weakness.
So I try to keep out of their way.
Do you think I haven't noticed?
But the more I try to keep out
of their way, the more they get into mine.
The sooner you're married
and out of danger, the better.
The nearest I'll ever get to being married
is being your best man.
Yeah, it's all right for you. You've already got
a family and a place to get back to. I haven't.
But it's gonna be different now.
Just think, Carnoustie,
a wife, a dear little house, home.
That's what married life means to me.
Home sweet home.
And when he does get here, he needn't think
he's gonna have things all his own way.
My Shirley may be going to be his wife,
but I'm still her mother.
I've said it once and I'll say it again.
He's not going to have
the cushy time he thinks he is.
Edie, are you listening to
what I'm telling you?
And you're going to have
to pull your socks up a bit,
instead of trailing around the place
as if you wasn't all there.
And heaven knows you're not,
but you might try a bit harder
not to show it.
- Yes, Emma.
- Well, put it down.
Edie Hornett,
you're going to drive me into my grave.
By the time this wedding's over,
I shall be a corpse.
But nobody need go into mourning for me.
Because I shall be happy
for the first time in my life.
It'll be heaven to be in heaven.
Until you arrive.
- Well, don't just stand there. Do something.
- Yes, Emma.
- Have you made the tea?
- Not yet, Emma.
Well, go and make it.
- And, Edie, don't forget to put the tea in the pot!
- Yes, Emma.
And when you've made the tea, you'd better get
down to the florist's and shake them up a bit!
Tell 'em Mrs Hornett wants those bouquets
round here at ten tomorrow morning
and not a minute later!
And if they're not here, there'll be
a row they won't forget in a hurry.
And, Edie, tell 'em I want fresher flowers
than they put in that wreath
for Mrs Ogg's funeral last week.
After that you'd better get down to the Co-op
and find out what's happened to the cake!
If it's not here within half an hour,
I shall be down there myself.
And if I do go down there,
there'll be trouble.
Just say, "Mrs Hornett says."
That should be enough.
They know me.
Yes, Emma.
Edie, have you gone deaf?
There's someone ringing the front door bell.
- Yes, Emma.
- Well, go and answer it.
I'm just going, Emma.
Take your time, Edie.
Do take your time.
Don't hurry yourself whatever you do.
It would be a shame to hurry you.
And don't stand talking for half an hour.
Just find out what they want
and come and tell me.
Are you the bride's mother?
- No, I'm only her aunt.
- My aunt.
Edie Hornett!
Edie, what are you doing?
I thought I told you not to
stop talking at the door!
Can you hear me?
Edie, the kettle's boiling over!
- Blimey.
- That's the bride's mother.
Lord help the bridegroom.
It's come, Emmal
It's here!
Emma, it's come.
What's come?
The wedding cake. Shall I open it?
Just go and fetch that teapot,
I could do with a cup.
I suppose there is a cake.
Isn't it beautiful? Beautiful.
Now, then, don't you start.
I can't help it, Emma.
It's bringing it all back to me.
We won't go into that now.
Where's the teapot?
I put it down somewhere. Where did...?
Oh, yes, it's on the sideboard.
- Onthes..?
- What is it, Emma?
Look at that!
Edie, you haven't got
the brains you were born with!
No more sense than to put a hot teapot
down on a polished sideboard.
Just look at that big white ring!
I'l try and get it out afterwards.
Afterwards? You'll try and get it out now.
Go and fetch the furniture polish, hurry.
- Here we are, Emma.
- Here we are, Emma.
And what do we put it on with? Our knickers?
Here we are, Emma.
Now, come and watch.
This is how you do it.
You rub round and round until it gets real hot,
and you go on rubbing and it might bring it out.
- Yes, Emma.
- No!
You'll have another mark there in a minute.
You're always moaning
cos you never got married,
but Lord knows what sort of home
you'd have had if you had. Here.
What's the time? I shall never get everything
finished by the time their train arrives.
- I do wish tomorrow was over.
- Sodol
It's not your daughter
that's getting married.
Anybody at home?
- Oh, my...
- It's only Mrs Lack, Emma.
- It's only me.
Ee, polishing all up
ready for tomorrow, eh, Edie?
It's a great day.
Ooh, are you just having a cup of tea?
I didn't mean to disturb you...
I suppose you'd better have one
since you're here.
She's got you at it again, has she, Edie?
You know, it's not fair
working you like that.
But I'm not going to the wedding, Mrs Lack.
Your own brother's daughter's wedding
and you're not going? Did she say you can't?
No, I couldn't bring myself to go.
It would bring back too many memories.
Ah, yes, I see what you mean.
How silly of me. Standing watching
Shirley at the altar rails,
remembering the day when you yourself...
Don't, Mrs Lack.
I mustn't think of my great sorrow.
Well, I'm all ready for the bridegroom.
You know what I mean. I've got the room ready
for him and his best man. They want breakfast?
That's the whole point of 'em coming to you,
to keep them out of the way.
Albert mustn't see Shirley
before the wedding. That'd be unlucky.
Never you mind who sees who.
Is it coming off?
Not so as you'd notice.
- Well, rub harder.
- Yes, Emma.
I do hope they'll be comfortable
at my place.
They're both sailors,
they should be used to roughing it.
It's not their comfort tonight, but Shirley's
future happiness that I'm concerned about.
It must be a worry for you and your husband.
Him? He never worries about anything
except his blessed ferrets.
There's one thing I will say
and I don't care who hears me.
Are you listening, Edie?
If Shirley's marriage turns out wrong,
to my dying day, I shall say Henry's to blame.
Is that you, Henry?
- Yes.
- Have you wiped your feet?
- Evening, all.
- I suppose you want a cup of tea now?
- I'm not fussy.
- I'm not going down on my knees to ask.
If there's any in the pot, I'll have it.
Edie, did you feed the ferrets?
Keep your mind on things
that really matter, instead of ferrets.
I should think you'd give us a rest from em
for once, Shirley's wedding day tomorrow an'all.
Well, it's her wedding not mine.
She's your daughter, isn't she?
So you say.
Ooh, what about Albert's people, Emma?
When are they coming?
They aren't. He hasn't got any.
He was brought up in a sailor's orphanage,
he says.
Oh, that's fishy, isn't it?
Heaven knows I've done my best
to talk to Shirley.
The times I've said to her,
"Shirley, you know what sailors are."
Oh, dear.
Tea, please.
Yes, miss.
- Ain't you got something a bit smaller than that?
- I'm sorry, I haven't.
- Perhaps Jack here could...
- I wonder, could you break half a crown for me?
Are you without small change?
That's a most dangerous condition.
Here you are.
- That's one...
- Come on, the train's five to, not five past.
- Just a minute. One and nine...
- Can you never leave women alone?
But your half crown!
Don't you...
I say and I've always said,
it's the uniform Shirley's fallen for.
She'll change her tune
when she sees him without it.
Course, that all depends on...
He won't look so la-di-da
in a suit of dungarees.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Ey up, Edie,
hot up a drop of milk, quick!
It's happened. Rosie's had 'em,
six of em.
Don't use this morning's milk!
There's some just on the turn
at the back of the shelf!
Oh, my goodness, look at the time.
I'l have to be off.
- I've had to put our Rita to bed as well.
- Is Rita poorly?
No, she's just excited, you know,
being one of Shirley's bridesmaids.
I'll expect the boys sometime, Emma.
You can expect em at 10 o'clock.
They're not stopping here all hours.
Shirley will want some rest tonight
and I'll see that she gets it.
Well, she won't get much tomorrow ni...
That's right. Now, don't gobble it, Rosie.
- Oh. Busy, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Well, it's everybody
to their fancy, of course.
But me myself personally,
I'm not very partial to ferrets.
They've very nasty habits, I'm told.
As a matter of fact, they have.
I remember once there were two ferrets...
That'll be enough of that, Mr Hornet.
Here, there's one of the ferrets missing.
Here, where is it?
Not under your skirts, is it, by any chance?
What? Let me get out!
If you find that ferret,
you might let me have it back.
Hello, therel
It's Albert. Emma, it's Albert!
Anybody at home?
Well, if it isn't Jane Russell herself.
- Oh, Albert.
- Clear the decks for action.
- Come on, into my arms.
- Oh, Albert Tufnell!
- Are you coming or do I have to fetch you?
- Albert, stop it. Mind this pan, it's hot.
So am I. I haven't kissed a woman
for three months. Aunt Edie, you're for it.
- Now, where's the bedroom?
- Ooh, the bedroom!
Ooh, put me down this minute!
Dear, dear, put me down.
Give over, I'm going dizzy.
Going? I've gone.
Ma. Ifit isn't Ma.
How are we, Ma?
Edie, take this. Take it while it's safe.
Ah, that's better.
I shall feel a lot better when you're
sat down out of harm's way.
And, Edie, don't stand there
holding that in your arms till it melts.
Put it down. Weren't you supposed
to be hotting up some milk for Henry?
- Edie Hornett, I could kill you.
- But, Emma, I swear I didn't do it on purpose.
Of course she didn't. In fact, I did it.
So it was you, was it?
Just look what you've done.
Burnt a big, white ring on my sideboard.
Never mind, Ma, it matches with that one.
Edie, where's that hot milk?
Albert, when did you get here?
- How are we, Pop?
- You might have let me known he was here.
Bad news travels fast enough.
Well, it is good to see you.
I thought you were bringing
your best man with you?
- Good Lord, Carnoustie.
- Who?
Carnoustie, I'd forgotten all about him.
Four and six?
I'm not trying to buy your blinking taxi.
Just you run me down to the police station
to find out the legal fare.
- Drive you? You want another free ride?
- Free? Four and six?
- He ain't given me the money.
- Four and six!
Come on, Carnoustie. Here you are.
- Come on inside.
- It's far too much.
I've met your type before.
You'll no' catch me again, though.
- Did your money go down with the boat?
- You English...!
- Come on.
- Gah!
Come and meet the Hornets.
Come on.
Pop, Ma,
meet the one and only Carnoustie.
- Take your things off.
- I'm pleased indeed to meet you all.
How do you do?
And here's Aunt Edie for you.
The pride of the harem.
Oh, Albert.
- I'm happy to meet you, Aunt Edie.
- How do you do?
- Now, then, Car... Car...
- ..noustie.
That's right. Now sit you "doon".
Down. I expect you could do
with a cup of tea.
- Oh, I could that.
- Itisn't ready yet.
Oh. Well, I'd better go
and look after Rosie.
Make yourselves at home.
How's my girl?
How's the future Mrs Albert Tufnell?
Does she love me as much as she used to?
She loves you as much
as she's ever likely to.
Is she getting excited about tomorrow?
I am.
Now, then, now, then, enough of that.
Carnoustie, we'd better get unpacked.
You needn't bother yourselves. I've arranged
for you both to sleep next door at Mrs Lack's.
Oh, what's the idea, Ma?
I haven't got the room for you.
We're putting my niece Daphne up.
She's Shirley's chief bridesmaid.
Wow, her. She's a bit of all right,
isn't she?
She's my sister's daughter,
if that's what you mean?
No, I didn't, but...
Besides, they say it's unlucky for the bridegroom
to see the bride before the wedding.
And heaven knows, things look black
enough as it is without asking for trouble.
Here, Carnoustie boy,
have I asked for trouble?
- Aye, with a woman like yon.
- Yeah, but I'm not marrying her.
If you had been,
I'd have strangled you with my own hands.
Ma, there's someone at the front door.
Shall I go?
No, you stay where you are.
I'l go. I don't want your big feet...
And you can put them bolsters of yours tidy.
Hello, Aunt Emma, how are you?
I'm very well, thank you, Daphne. Come in.
Blimey, what a peach.
You're the best man,
so she's yours. All yours.
I didn't know the fleet was in.
I'm Daphne.
And I'm Albert the bridegroom.
You know, the human sacrifice.
You don't waste too much time,
do you, Albert?
If you think I'm fast, I'm the tortoise.
Meet the hare, Carnoustie.
Oh, it's you.
Aye, it's me.
Instead of talking nonsense,
have either of you two got half a crown?
Yes, the silly taxi driver had no change.
Half a crown? Er...Carnoustie.
- What again?
- Half a crown, quick.
Och, here, I'm not made of half crowns.
Now, come on.
Thanks a lot, Carnoustie.
Remind me to give it you back, won't you?
Remind you? I will. Twice.
- Do you mind giving that to the man?
- No, OK.
He's charming, isn't he, Aunt Emma?
- I'm sure he'll make Shirley very happy.
- Are you? How's your mother keeping?
- Aunt Edie.
- Little Daphne!
My, but you look different.
It's four years since
you last saw me, Aunt Edie.
What a lovely little girl you were,
Daphne, lamb.
We all change.
I'l go upstairs for a wash.
Edie, you've forgotten the knives and forks.
- Would one of you mind?
- No, it'll be a pleasure.
- Oh, my things.
- Blimey, stand back, eager.
Well, aren't you careless?
I dunno, but I'm curious.
Cor. Are you getting married, too?
Albert, what are you saying?
Here, didn't you say
you wanted a new pair of pants?
Och, I'm shamed.
There's nothing to be shamed about.
Don't Scotch girls wear panties?
I wouldn't know.
Don't you believe him, Daphne.
Come on, Carnoustie, give a hand.
Damn. Now I've laddered my stocking.
What a shame. Can...?
I'm sorry if I've interrupted something.
- How are you, Daphne?
- I'm fine. I've laddered my stocking.
- Having fun, aren't you?
- Shirley!
Albert, aren't you going to introduce me?
Oh, yes, of course.
Shirley, this is Carnoustie Bligh.
Carnoustie Bligh, Shirley.
- How do you do?
- I'm very pleased...
pleased to meet you.
It's all right, Mr Bligh.
You can finish dressing.
- And how long have you been here?
- About 20 minutes.
Was Daphne here, too? You've been
passing the time pleasantly, haven't you?
Would you mind?
Not in the least.
Oh, I comprehend.
The two of you want to be left alone.
I don't know.
I was until I came in and saw you and Daphne
and that disgusting Scotchman with Daphne's
thingamabobs in his hand, as bold as brass.
And you're just as bad. Even worse.
- Heaven only knows what you were up to.
- Now, listen, Shirley.
I give you my word,
we wasn't doing anything wrong.
How could we, anyway, with your ma
and Aunt Edie bobbing in and out?
So if it hadn't been for them
"bobbing in and out"
heaven only knows what would have happened.
It's perhaps as well I came in when I did.
Perhaps it is. Five minutes more and we might
have been rolling stark naked on the hearth rug.
- Albert!
- Sweetheart, I didn't mean...
Albert, how could you say a thing like that?
Oh, this is a nice kick-off, isn't it?
What have I always said? If he has you
crying your eyes out on your wedding eve,
what's he going to do when he's
been married to you for five years?
- It was only a little misunderstanding, Ma.
- A little misunderstanding, is that all?
There'll be lots more little misunderstandings
very soon if I'm any judge.
Well, you can settle them elsewhere
if you don't mind.
Tea won't be for half an hour and I don't
want to see either of you until then.
Where's Daphne?
- She's gone upstairs.
- And where's your...Carnasta?
- He's gone with her.
- What?
Come on, Shirl,
let's get a breath of fresh air before tea.
Oh, Carnoustie, be careful.
Now, then, we'll have none of that.
- Out.
- Mrs Hornett, I was only trying...
- But...
- Out!
I was only helping her to open her...
Downstairs, into the garden!
- Where are we going?
- Aye, that's just what I'd like to know.
Let's go up to the park.
Albert, you needn't be so worried about Mother.
She isn't always like this.
Good Lord, I should hope not.
She's got all the worries of the wedding,
hasn't she?
All right, all right. But, listen, Shirley,
when we get back from our honeymoon,
we have to go up to Badcaster right away
and have a look around.
We've got to find somewhere to live there
even if it's only a couple of rooms.
We don't want to start our married life
living with other people, do we?
- That gets you nowhere.
- We can talk about that after tomorrow.
We've got plenty to think of now.
Yeah, I should say so.
Oh, there's a seat.
Aye, that's what it would be.
Come on, sit down.
- I doubt if there'll be time.
- Time? For what?
To sit down. We'll have to be away
in a couple of minutes.
It's wonderful what can be done
in a couple of minutes.
But look, I'm no" a quick worker.
- Have you kissed the bride yet, Carnoustie?
- Good heavens, no.
You have to. After the wedding, you know.
then there's the best man's privilege.
- What's that?
- You can kiss anyone else you like.
Albert. Albert!
That sounds like a distress signal
from Carnoustie. There they are. Blast.
It's time we got back, anyhow.
It's time we got tea over, all of you.
Come and sit down.
Henry, what are you dithering about?
Sit down.
And you, too, Edie.
Everybody help themselves.
We don't stand on ceremony here.
And you don't need that thing
stuck down your throat.
Don't let me catch you doing that at the
reception tomorrow either. Everybody happy?
- You're not having the reception here?
- No, we're not. At Banfield's Tea Rooms.
- Many coming on your side, Albert?
- No, I haven't got anybody coming.
- Albert's an orphan, Daphne.
- That's right, an orphan of the storm.
Oh, my Lord, what's the matter with you?
I'm sorry. I was thinking of poor Albert
being an orphan of the storm.
Shirley, there's a lot to be done tonight
for you and me and Edie.
Can I help, Aunt Emma?
Yes, you can. You boys,
just sit quiet and keep out of the way.
As a matter of fact,
we'd fixed to go out, Ma.
- I was gonna ask Pop to come with us.
- Go out where?
A lad from our ship, Toddy Morris -
we arranged to meet him and another bloke
at eight for a drink.
- Oh, Albert.
- Ma just said we had to keep out of the way.
- Yes, but...
- Well, of course, you must please yourself.
But I do think it's a pity if all you can think of
the night before your wedding is drinking!
Oh, no, it's not the drink.
Only it'll be nice to see the lads.
Seethel...? You've only just left em!
We'll be back by nine or half past
Yes, and after all, Emma,
itis his last night of freedom.
Anybody would think he was going to prison,
to hear you talk.
But there's one thing I will say
and I don't care who hears me say it.
If Albert has half such a cosy time
in his married life as you've had in yours,
he can count himself lucky.
I hope he shows poor Shirley a bit more
appreciation than you've shown me.
- But, Emma...
- That's enough.
Then, it's settled, you're stopping in.
But can I help at all even if I do stay?
No, but I should have thought if Shirley
said she wanted you here, that was enough.
Emma, I don't want to interfere...
Then don't!
Well, Albert,
I suppose you'll do what you think best.
If he's got any sense he will.
You keep quiet.
Whether Albert goes or not, you're not going.
Shirley, sit down and finish your tea.
- I don't want any more. I'm too upset.
- Listen, darling...
I don't want to listen, Albert.
I know how I feel and that's that.
If you want to go, go.
That's no way to talk.
That's just giving in to him.
- Can't you keep your mouth shut?
- Henry Hornet!
- Come on, sit down, Shirl.
- Oh, Albert.
Come on.
Well, have you made up your mind
what you're going to do? What?
Finish my tea.
You do what you want to do.
Don't make the mistake I did.
Else you won't be able
to call your soul your own.
- I'm going out to my ferrets.
- You'll do no such thing.
- Emmal
- What?
Hello there, boys, come and have a drink.
4 There Is A Tavern In The Town
Any sign of them, Mum?
No, and not likely to be until closing time.
I didn't think he'd really go out, Mum.
You shouldn't have let him go.
You should have put your foot down. I told you.
I did put it down,
but he went out just the same.
You'll have to learn to
put it down a bit harder.
You can't reason with men.
You've got to train em.
- Mum?
- Hm?
- There is something.
- What's that?
I haven't said anything to Albert yet
about No. 24.
Why not?
After tea, he was talking about
having a look round for a little flat.
- You should have told him then.
- I was frightened to.
Perhaps I ought to have waited till he
got here and talked it over with him.
I'll just take the tea things away, Emma.
Are you there, Emma?
- Now what?
It's our Rita. Measles, she's got 'em.
Of all the stupid, thoughtless... Oh, no.
I shan't be able to put up
the bridegroom now and his best man.
I'l have to put Rita in the spare room.
This is a fine how-do-you-do.
Now, what are we going to do?
Oh, dear,
everything seems to be going wrong.
What is the matter with you, Edie?
Look, do you see it?
- What?
- Look there.
A bleeding, broken heart.
- There.
- I wonder whose it is.
- It might be yours, Edie.
No, it don't look like mine.
If it's anybody's, it's mine.
My heart broke years ago, but I should
think it's bled all it's going to by now.
Now, if you've quite finished
cheering us all up, Edie,
perhaps you'd get these cups and saucers
outside and wash 'em up.
Yes, Emma.
- You and your tea leaves.
- Perhaps it's mine. I think I'd better go.
If your bleeding heart's gonna break,
let it do it in the comfort of your own home.
Thanks very much. Good night, all.
Hadn't I better go and see
if they have a room at the Rose and Crown?
No. He can't afford to go throwing
his money away on hotels.
Those two can sleep here.
Come on, Shirley, give me a hand.
Is that big enough for the two of them?
If they don't like it, they can go and sleep
with your father's ferrets for all I care.
The sooner you find out what it's like
slaving your insides out at home,
while your husband's down the pub
drinking himself stupid, the better.
I'm gonna change my ruddy name.
Listen to what I'm telling you. Put these on
and go straight down to the Red Lion.
- Right.
- Not so fast.
If they're not there, go to the Lifebuoy.
And tell Albert and Car...ninsky
to come straight back home. Off you go.
And don't go running away with the idea
you can stop down there drinking.
If you want a drink, there's half a bottle of beer
I put away in the cupboard last week.
You can have that when you get back,
if you behave yourself. Off you go.
I'll give you ten minutes and if you're not
back by then, I'm coming after you!
We'd better be getting back.
Cheerio, boys.
Oh, so there you are!
Hey, come back!
Come back, both of you!
- Stop!
- Eh?
- Stop, will you?
- Blimey.
You'll pay for this,
you'll see if you don't!
If I lay my hands on you, I'll kill you!
Come back!
You needn't think you're gonna get away with
this, the pair of you! Because you're not!
You just wait until I get you home!
Now, where are these boys?
Where are they?
- Ah!
- Here, that's Pop, innit?
- Aye, itis.
- Straight back home.
Come on now.
Oh, no, that's the way home.
Come on, Pops.
Blimey, Pops, sober up a bit.
Here we go again
The boys upon the sea
Easy, you'll get us all into trouble.
just you and me
Be quiet, Pop.
As we're going out to sea
We're going out to sea
Just you and me!
Now, let's have a nice little song.
- What, no song?
- No.
You stay there.
We'll just go and have a look.
No song.
For the sake of auld lang syne
4 And here's a hand out to a friend...
And give a hand to mine
- What's the matter?
- Mrs Hornett.
Oh, yes.
Mrs Hornett.
For the sake of auld lang syne!
God save old Ireland!
Diddle-up, pom, pom...
Diddle-up, pa, pa...
a-diddle-up-a-did, pom, pom...
Diddle-up, pom pom...
You did this, didn't you?
You got him in this state!
He'd never have dared do it off his own bat!
We're all a bit on edge tonight, Ma,
so the least said the better.
I'll see Shirley for a few minutes,
then Carnoustie and I will get off next door.
You're not going next door.
You'll have to sleep on that.
If I'd known that,
we could have stayed at Toddy's place.
You're safer here. But you can get down to
"Toddy's place" first thing in the morning
and stay there
until it's time to go to church.
Henry! Get to bed!
I'l just go and say good night
to my ferrets.
You'll do no such thing, you drunken, old...
- Good night, all!
- Go on, off you go!
I just wanted to see
if there was anything you wanted, Albert.
No. No, thanks, Aunt Edie.
Ooh, you haven't got any pillows.
I must go and get some.
What you must do is stop worrying about...
Well, just stop worrying, see?
Oh, Albert, I do want
you and Shirley to be happy.
- You will be, won't you?
- Course we will, Aunt Edie.
Once we get settled down in Badcaster
away from...
well, away from here.
And you must come over and see us sometimes.
You promise?
What about...?
Aren't you going to live at No. 24, then?
No. 24?
No. 24 what? Where?
Oh, dear me, what have I done?
But I thought you'd...
I just took it for granted you'd know,
that Shirley would have told you.
Told me what?
Albert, I'd rather not...
I don't want to cause any more trouble.
You're not moving out of that bed, until
you tell me what the devil you're talking about.
You keep quiet, Aunt Edie,
you'll have the night of your life.
Come on, Aunt Edie, out with it.
Oh, dear.
Well, you see, Albert,
No. 24, that's three doors up the street,
was suddenly put up for sale
and Emma, as your wedding present,
put the deposit down with the building society,
so that you and Shirley could buy the house.
That's all.
"That's all"?
Can I get up now?
You won't say anything to Emma and Shirley
that I told you, I mean?
Bless you, of course I won't.
Shirley's sure to tell you herself.
Good night, Albert.
Sleep tight.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I suppose I'd...
Is that you, Albert?
/s that you, Shirl?
- Yes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Did you think I wasn't coming down
to see you after what you did tonight?
Do you mean getting Pop drunk?
But we didn't.
We met him in the street
and brought him straight home.
He said he was trying to cheer himself up.
I hope you don't have to cheer yourself up
that way when we're married.
As long as we can get away from the family.
Albert, we can't go very far away.
You've got this job in Badcaster
and Badcaster's only four miles away.
And those four miles will
serve their purpose very nicely.
A little place in Badcaster.
Darling, don't you see
how wonderful it'll be?
But Albert, I've...
But what, Shirl? What were you going to say?
Oh, nothing, Albert.
It can't have been important, then, can it?
Well, I suppose
I ought to be getting off to bed.
I love you, Shirl.
- Tell me you'll always love me, even if...
- I'll always love you.
Oh, darling.
- I wish you'd tell me something, Shirl.
- What?
Whatever's in your mind.
I love you, Albert Tufnell.
And I always will.
- There.
- Nothing else to tell me?
Isn't that enough?
I suppose it'll have to be.
Good night.
Good night, my darling.
Albert, are we liable to have
any more visitors, do you think?
Oh, I shouldn't think so.
- Lock the door if you're...
- There isnae a key. I've looked.
I'l just go and wash.
It's a weird-looking contraption, this.
- Albert!
- Yeah?
What side do you want to sleep on?
I'm not fussy.
You'll sleep on the port.
- All right
- If you sleep at all.
I nearly broke my bloody neck.
A nice carry-on, I will say.
As if it wasn't enough that I've got
your daughter's wedding on my hands,
and a couple of sailors, I'm landed
with a drunken husband as well.
But there's one thing I can promise you.
You're not going to be allowed
to forget tonight.
Not till your dying day.
Look at my face.
Look at it! Look at them lines.
And the day I married you
my skin was like peaches and cream.
But there's one thing I will say
and I don't care who hears me.
Are you listening, Henry? It's you
and you alone that's wrought this havoc.
Henry Hornet!
- Albert?
- Yeah?
You'll er... You'll drop me a wee line
when you're on your honeymoon
and let me know how you're getting on?
- Yeah, sure.
- No details, mind.
Just the general outline.
I expect you'll be thinking of me.
I hope I'll keep my imagination
well under control.
- Carnoustie?
- Aye?
- She didn't say anything.
- What about?
Buying that house.
Did she not?
I wish she had.
It's a bit of a problem.
Ye ken the best way
of dealing with problems, Albert?
Sleep on them.
Perhaps you're right.
The light.
What about it?
It's onl
Well, put it out.
The switch is on your side.
Blimey. What's going on here?
Yes, Emma.
Get up!
You're not going to lie there all day
sleeping it off.
If you've got a headache,
you'll have to put up with it
When you've dressed yourself,
you can get downstairs
and see those boys tidy up the mess
they've made in the parlour.
No, Henry, your trousers aren't in there.
They're on the floor where you left them.
Edie! Come on!
Get up! We haven't got all day!
Where do you think you're going?
I just wanted a word with Shirl.
Wait a minute.
You're not going to see her
until you meet in the church.
Oh, Mum!
- Shirl!
Stay where you are, Shirley. Downstairs.
- But look, Ma...
- At once.
You're to leave this house and go round
to your friend's place straight away.
Oh, well. If that's the way you want it.
- Are you away to Toddy's, Albert?
- Yeah.
I'll be calling for you at ten to, then.
Here, Carnasty, what do you think
you're doing? Messing up my kitchen like that
If you want to clean your shoes,
there's plenty of room in the back yard.
I haven't got time to keep running around
cleaning up after a couple of sailors.
Just look at the mess you've made!
Look what you've done to my chair.
All that boot polish smeared all over it
Just you get a rag and clean it up.
I've got enough on my hands
getting everything ready for the wedding,
without having to run around
after you two like a nursemaid.
Blimey, what's your name?
Will I do?
Oh, Daphne, you look wonderful.
Thank you, Carnoustie.
Oh, my, I'm... I'm not much of a hand
at expressing myself, but...
Go on, Bobby Burns, you're doing fine.
Well, I-I've never seen anyone look so...
Go on, don't stop.
You're as lovely as...
Daphne, you're... you're...
Daphne. Your slip's showing.
Weren't you supposed
to be helping Shirley to dress? Off you go.
Yes, Aunt Emma.
Are you nearly ready?
The minute your taxi gets here,
get down to Toddy's and pick up Albert.
Did Albert give you the ring before he went?
Have you got it in a safe place?
Where is it? Let me see it.
Let me see it.
Edie, fetch me the rag
I polish the brass with!
I suppose it could be gold.
Here we are, Emma.
Thank you.
Is that Shirley's?
Yes itis, suchasitis.
It's beautiful, Emma.
Of course, she's gonna have
the time of her life.
If I get to the wedding at all at this rate,
I shall be lucky.
And if you don't, everybody else will.
I began to think these were never coming.
Give me a hand.
- Shirley wants to see her bouquet, Aunt Emma.
- Here itis. Be careful how you carry it.
- Is she nearly ready?
- She's getting on.
Is that... Shirley's?
Yes, Aunt Edie.
Well, if I'm not in a mental home
by tonight, she will be.
- Oh, there you are. It's time you were ready.
- I've got to go out...
You've gotto do as I tell you.
You're giving your only daughter away
in holy matrimony in a few minutes' time.
- That'll be my taxi, Mrs Hornett.
- Right, off you go.
Oh, the ring.
Cardusty! The ring, where is it?
- In my pocket.
- Let me see it.
Off you go.
And tell Albert to speak up in the church.
Tell him when he says, "l will",
I want to hear him.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Rosie's got to have her milk.
Wouldn't you want a little nourishment if you'd
just given birth to six healthy young ferrets?
All right, then, give it to her and be quick
about it. Here, put this on.
I say, it's not me that's getting married,
you know.
I wish it was, and to somebody else.
Same here.
When you come in, brush yourself down
and give your hands a good wash.
We don't want you going to the church
smelling of ferrets. Off you go.
Now I'm going upstairs to get myself ready.
And I've got about three minutes to do it in.
Nice sight I shall look, not that it matters
what I look like. I'm only the bride's mother.
Are you there, Emma?
- Get rid of her before I come down.
Oh, there's the taxi!
It's only me.
Yes, the taxi's come.
I must tell Emma.
Lovely white ribbons on it.
The taxi's come. Daphne!
The taxi's herel Emma's just going!
This must be bringing
it all back to you, Edie.
Well, Mr Hornett,
this is a very sad day for you.
Rosie's just lost one of her young'uns.
- You mean it's died?
- Yes, poor little thing.
Argh! Take it away! Take that thing away!
You didn't ought to.
If Emma saw you with that thing...
With what thing? Where's my bag?
Put your hat on,
I want to see you wearing it before I go.
Very good, Emma.
What the...
She's up the pole. As sure as my name
is Emma Hornett, she's up the pole.
Now, are you all ready? Because we are.
Yes, Emma, I'm ready.
- Good morning, Mrs Lack.
- Oh, yes.
That's very nice.
You make a proper nice bridesmaid.
Of course, you should see
our Rita in that colour. She can wear it.
Let me look at you.
Henry Hornet!
Shirley, love, you look lovely.
Doesn't she look lovely, Emma?
Well even though she is my own daughter,
I will say,
Shirley, love, you're beautiful.
Thank you, Mum, darling.
Well, haven't you got anything to say?
Yes. When I get a chance.
You look a fair treat.
I'll say one thing, you'll do Albert credit.
She'll do Albert cre...?
Yes, Emma?
I mean to say, what can you do with her
except put her in a straitjacket?
Now, we'd better be off.
Are you all set, Florrie? Because we are.
Edie, come in here, will you?
Now, get yourself down to Banfield's
just as soon as we've gone
and see that everything
is just as it should be.
And do pull yourself together.
We don't want you howling the place down
and making everybody think they're at a funeral.
Let me look at you. Turn round.
Right round.
You'll do.
Now, you'll be all right,
Shirley, love, won't you?
You won't be nervous, will you?
You won't be my little girl any longer, will you?
Never mind, Emma, you're losing a daughter,
but you're gaining a son.
Now, come on, everybody.
Henry, listen to what I'm telling you.
Don't make a fool of yourself at the ceremony
and see you take Shirley
down the aisle nicely.
And if anything goes wrong,
I shall know who's to blame.
Good morning, Mrs Mottram.
I do wish you'd keep your cat off my geraniums.
Daphne, Florrie. Get into your taxi, love.
Edie, don't forget to lock the back door
before you leave!
And, Henry, do take
your hands out of your pockets.
You can be thinking what you can say
in your speech at the reception.
And, for goodness sake, talk about
your daughter and not your blooming ferrets!
Now, come on, step on it, Perce.
No, Dad, tell him to go slowly.
- Why?
- Well, you always keep the bridegroom waiting.
Well, er hat's all wrong, for a start.
BACH: Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring
He must be somewhere.
I knew this would happen.
- Get back, you fooll
- What's happened?
Get back! Drive round the square.
- What's happened? What's the matter, Dad?
- Don't ask me.
Drive round the square again!
- Emma, they're here at last.
- Oh, thank the Lord, thank the Lord!
I'll make him sorry for this.
I waited for him at our place,
but he hasn't turned up.
Here, I've put them straight once.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Mrs Lack gave Shirley that.
Why? They had a row?
Had it in the cupboard
under the stairs for years.
- Should have left it there.
- It was a wedding present to her.
Oh, isn't it beautiful?
Is this where we come after the wedding?
Yes, but it isn't after the wedding yet.
You ought to be at the church.
I don't go to church. I'm chapel, myself.
- Who's your teddy boy?
- It's Uncle Brummel.
Good morning, good morning, Uncle Brummel.
He's a terrible old man.
You've got to watch him, really you have.
- That'll make two of you.
- My word, what a spread!
I'm glad I had no appetite for breakfast.
Uncle Brummel, no, you mustn't.
Really, please, please, put it down!
Oh, he has.
This is terrible, terrible.
Could be worse. Might've been the cake.
Now, do sit down. You can't start yet.
Where's the liquor?
Oh, over there.
I'm not leaving this party
till I'm bog-eyed.
Enjoying yourself?
Cracked. Cracked.
Ooh, he'll pay for this,
you see if he doesn't.
Jilted my own daughter.
Jilted. You mustn't give way, dear.
Whatever happens, don't give way.
Sit down, dear, that's right.
put your feet up, dear,
that's better, isn't it?
- Oh, Mum...
- Now, dear,
lie back and don't talk
and we'll make you a nice cup of tea.
I don't want a cup of tea.
I just want to die.
You must have a cup of tea first!
- Shall I make it, Aunt Emma?
- Yes.
I never thought I'd live to see the day
when a daughter of mine...
Mum, do you think we ought
to have waited at the church a bit longer?
If you waited from now until Doomsday,
he'd never turn up.
No, as far as marrying your precious
Albert Tufnell is concerned, you've had it.
Waited a bit longer?
I thought
I would have died of shame as it was.
All those people whispering and sniggering.
Oh, Mum, don't.
Oh, that's better.
And poor Mr Purefoy.
I'l never be able to face the vicar again.
Standing there and trying to pretend
he wasn't there at all.
Oh, Mum, it's dreadful.
What am I going to do?
I'l never live it down.
Oh, Albert, where are you?
I want you, I want you.
Ooh, he'll pay for this!
You see if he doesn't.
I always said he was no good, didn't I?
Oh, stop it, Mum! Stop running him down!
I can't bear it!
Oh, Albert,
where are you?
Where are you?
There's one thing I will say
and I don't care who hears me.
- Are you listening, Henry?
- No.
What's the good of going on at her like that?
You're only making things worse.
The tea won't be long,
I've put the kettle on.
Oh, good. I could do with a cup of tea.
You could do with a cup of tea?
You don't suppose you're gonna sit there
sipping tea, do you?
That's right
Take your boots off, take your collar off.
In fact, if I were you, I'd pop upstairs and nip into
bed and have a little nap for a couple of hours.
Henry Hornett, you'll put on your boots
and your collar and your tie
and you'll go round to the police
and tell them they're going to find Albert Tufnell
if they have to search
the whole of England to do i!
Mum, I won't let you do that.
- Well, are you going or aren't you?
- l aren't.
- What?
- You heard.
Very well, then, I'll go myself.
Mum, if you do go,
I'l... I'll drown myself.
I swear I will.
- Here, what about a bit of cake?
- Sit down.
Go and sit down!
- Edie! Edie!
- They're here, waiter, they're here.
Crash the cymbal, bang the drum.
Edie, I've got to break something to you.
- Ohl
- Shut up a minute, I haven't told you yet.
Listen, Edie, the wedding's off.
Albert hasn't turned up.
Here, we're not licensed for singing.
My poor Shirley!
Oh, Edie!
You should have seen it
when it was all in one piece.
Don't be so cheeky!
Oh, Carnoustie, have you seen him?
Have you heard anything?
- No, I've not.
- Have you looked everywhere?
- I'm awful sorry, I've done my best.
- You're sorry?
Well, that's something, I will say.
But I just want to ask you one question,
young man.
Did you know about it?
Did Albert tell you what he was going to do?
Of course he didn't. I'd never be a party
to a thing like that. Albert told me nothing.
It wouldn't surprise me
if you had put him up to it!
- What do you mean by that, Mrs Hornet?
- What I say.
- You put himupto it.
- Me?
Do I hear proper?
Even if you didn't put him up to it,
you must know why he did it.
Look, I know no more
about this thing than you do.
I don't believe that.
You're most unfair, Aunt Emma.
Why should Carnoustie know?
And why should he be the cause of Albert
not turning up any more than you? If as much.
And what do you mean by that, Daphne Pink?
If you've got something to say, say it.
Don't go throwing out
a lot of nasty insinuendos.
- And as for you, young man...
- Oh, Mother, what's the use?
Yes, what is the use?
That's what I'd like to know.
What's the use of having a mother
if you don't take any notice
of what she tells you or warns you about?
What's the use of having a father...?
Yes, what is the use?
Here, here.
- I'm not going to stand here and listen...
- As for you, young man...
As for me, Mrs Hornett..
It's Albert.
I know it's Albert
Now, then, Edie, none of that. Stop it.
Haven't you got a grain of sense?
It's happened again. It's happened to
poor Shirley same as it happened to me.
knew it I knew if!
Will you be quiet, Edie?
I saw it, I saw it in the teacups.
Oh, the bleeding, broken heart!
Oh, the poor lamb!
Will you be quiet and leave Shirley alone?
Ever since I saw it in the teacups,
I've known.
Wherever I've turned,
I've seen bleeding, broken hearts.
And they've all been Shirley's.
I knew they were Shirley's.
Something told me.
Ooh, there you are, Edie.
She shot off like a rocket when I told her.
Another great sorrow in the family.
Oh, Shirley,
I know what you're going through.
I suffered it, too.
The shame, the humiliation.
Oh, don't, Aunt Edie.
That it should happen to you
same as it happened to me,
left at the altar rails.
Edie Hornett. Daphne,
give Shirley a cup of tea.
Twice it's happened in the family.
Twice. It's a curse,
that's what it is, it's a curse.
- Will you be quiet?
- It's a curse on the house of Hornett.
Oh, Edie, what a thing to say.
Oh, Aunt Edie.
Shirl, my heart goes out to you.
I'l not be stopping, because I know you want
to be on your own with your great sorrow,
so it's better that...
Thanks very much. I needed this.
If you'll excuse me for a minute.
We will.
It wasn't Albert's fault. It was fate.
That's what it was,
fate used Albert for its tool.
Oh, she's off again.
I've had all I'm going to stand of it.
Henry Hornett, listen to me.
I've put up with this crackpot sister of yours
for the past 20 years.
I don't know how I've done it, but I have.
But I'm finished,
do you hear me? I'm through.
I've had all I can stand of her "fates",
her teacups,
her great sorrows and her bleeding hearts!
And I tell you here and now
that she leaves this house tomorrow morning
and if she doesn't, then I do.
Mum, you can't turn poor Aunt Edie out.
It isn't fair.
She's upset, that's all.
Now, don't you start telling me
what I ought to do.
I should think you've got enough
on your own plate
without bothering your head
about other people.
You haven't managed your own affairs
so marvellously, have you?
Getting yourself tied up with a good-for-nothing
fly-by-night from heaven knows where.
And making yourself and your whole family
look a fool in front of the whole town.
Oh, Albert!
Albert, where have you been?
I've been for a walk.
Been for a walk?
Albert Tufnell, are you completely mad?
No, I'm not.
- At least, I hope not.
- But... Butl...
I've tried to keep quiet, I have tried.
Well, try a bit harder, Ma.
- What?
- He said try a bit harder.
Albert, I don't understand.
Do you realise what you've done?
You let me go to the church,
knowing that you weren't going to go.
Yes, I did.
I'd never have believed
that you could have done such a cruel thing.
But it doesn't matter...
if only you'll tell me you still love me
and want to marry me.
I love you, Shirl,
just as I've always done.
And I still want to marry you.
Oh, Albert.
I can't stand it.
Watching my own daughter cheapening herself.
I don't care, Mum.
I don't care if I am cheapening myself.
All I know is that
I want Albert to marry me.
- And he's going to.
- I didn't say I was.
I said I wanted to, not that I was going to.
What? What do you mean by that?
You never really wanted me to marry Shirl,
did you, Ma?
I never have
and I'll tell you something else.
I'd rather give her to the first man
who comes through that door,
even if he's the devil himself!
Emma, it's the vicar, it's Mr Purefoy.
May I come in?
The front door was open
so I took the liberty.
Please come in, Mr Purefoy.
Thank you, Mrs Hornett.
Mr Purefoy, this is...
Oh, no, no, please. Actually I think
I saw you all in church, did I not?
- Not him you didn't.
- Oh, perhaps I didn't.
Mr Purefoy, this is Albert.
Albert? How do you do, Albert?
Good heavens, you mean Albert? The Albert.
The missing bridegroom.
He's something more than
a missing bridegroom, if you ask me.
- Mr Purefoy...
- I'm sorry I've caused all this trouble.
He says he still loves me,
but won't marry me.
Forgive me, but I'm a little confused.
- Perhaps if one person could explain.
- I'll soon do that.
Oh, I did think perhaps that...
However, yes, Mrs Hornett.
If there's explaining to be done,
I should say Albert should do it.
So should I. mean...
Very well, Mr Purefoy, let him explain.
But don't believe one word he says.
My reason for coming, Mrs Hornett,
was to offer what comfort I could to Shirley.
But it would appear, given the opportunity,
I could offer her something more concrete.
Now, I'd like to have a talk
with these two young people.
Don't you think it would be wiser
if those who are not primarily concerned,
were to leave us for a while, Mrs Hornett?
Well, I don't see...
Very well. Go on, off you go, all of you.
And you, too, Florrie, off you go!
Albert, just call out if you want me.
I'm afraid you must think I'm treating your house
as though it were my own, Mrs Hornett,
driving you all out like this.
I did suggest alone, Mrs Hornett.
Well, we are alone.
I meant um...
Do you mean alone without me?
Is that what you mean?
I'm afraid it is.
IfI go, I go under protest.
I'm sure you do.
He's the one that's done the wrong.
Not her. He's the one that wants the talking to.
Shirley, come with me.
No, Mum, I'm staying here.
You'll regret it. You see if you don't.
You'll regret it
as sure as your name's Shirley Hornett.
But I'm hoping we may yet change it
to Shirley Tufnell.
A woman of character, Mrs Hornett.
Well, now, let's sit down, shall we?
Albert, is there any legal reason
why you shouldn't marry Shirley?
I haven't got a wife in Honolulu,
if that's what you mean, sir.
There's really never been
any other girl in my life except Shirley.
And do you still love her?
- Yes, sir.
And, Shirley, do you love Albert?
He knows I do.
Then, Albert, Shirley,
where the devil have we come unstuck?
Right or wrong, it took some courage
to come back and face it.
Albert's a brave man, you know.
I'm sure you are, too, Carnoustie.
Brave and strong.
Oh, I know my strength. And my weakness.
I can't imagine you weak.
I can't imagine anyone getting
the better of you. Certainly not a girl.
Oh, it all depends what you mean by
"getting the better of me".
Well, being made to do what you don't want.
There's no fear of that.
The trouble is,
being made to do what I do want.
Why don't you, then?
I didn't turn up at the church this morning
Well, for one thing, I was frightened
of the future. Mine and Shirley's, I mean, sir.
Well whether we could make a go of it
Or whether I could, I should say.
I thought about it all last night.
I never slept a wink.
- Last night?
- Yes, sir.
Good heavens, man,
last night was a hundred years too late.
You should have thought about it long ago.
How could I when it
didn't happen till last night?
What didn't happen?
- I was brought up in an orphanage.
- Yes, I know.
I never had any, what you call, home life.
Till I got to know Shirley,
I always spent my leaves at YMCAs,
Union Jack clubs,
Salvation Army, you know, sir.
Staying here is my first taste of home life.
And if what I've seen in this house
is honest-to-God home life,
then all I can say is,
give me the Salvation Army.
Are you sure you really mean that Albert?
Home life has so much more to offer than is
to be found in YMCASs and the Salvation Army.
/ know, it has lots more fo offer.
My point is, what's offered to me here
in this house I can do very well without
But your own sense
must tell you that all homes are not alike.
Every home has its own characteristics
and peculiarities.
Well, it sounds all right in theory,
but this place is a home.
But I haven't noticed
much happiness hereabouts.
But Albert when you marry and settle down,
your home will be just as happy
as you and your wife make it.
As we're allowed to make it, sir.
As you're allowed to make it?
I don't follow you.
I know about the house, Shirley.
Oh, Mr Purefoy,
I played a dirty trick on Albert.
I let Mum put a deposit on a house
without telling him.
- I wasn't going to tell him till we were married.
- Why ever not?
Well, this house is...
No. 24, three doors away from here.
I see.
I don't know why I let Mum do it.
Without consulting Albert.
That was very wrong of you, Shirley.
So I decided to skip the wedding
and come back here.
And if Shirley saw things as I see them
and if she loved me enough,
then we'd get married as soon as we could.
Yes, and if only I'd had
the courage to do the same.
And if you've got half the sense
I think you have, my girl,
you'll go down on your knees
and beg Albert to marry you.
Then you can tell your mother
just what she can do with No. 24.
But Dad, she's put a depositon it
And she can do the same with the deposit.
Mr Hornett really...
Mr Purefoy, I understand my wife.
Albert doesn't.
There's no reason why he should.
But understanding her wouldn't make
any difference as far as he's concerned.
With me it's different. I'm her husband.
And she's done a lot
that I have to be very thankful for.
You have, Pop?
Yes, I have. Take a look around this room.
It's nothing
sort of wonderful you might say,
but it's a home I should never be ashamed
to bring anyone to.
And I've never yet come home from work
and found Emma out at the pictures
and a packet of fish and chips
waiting for me in the oven.
And that's a damn sight more
than most husbands can say.
That's very true.
You're proud of Mrs Hornett, aren't you?
I'am, sir. There are times when I could wring
her blasted neck if I had the courage.
But I am fond of her, sir.
And I think she's fond of me.
Good heavens, what's that?
Has she been listening? My gawd,
let me get out of here while I'm still alive.
Oh, Mum!
Don't talk to me. I couldn't stand it.
I've been listening.
I've heard every word that's been said.
They say listeners never hear
any good of themselves,
and I've been punished.
I'm a wicked woman, Mr Purefoy.
I'am. I must be.
All the misery I've caused.
Making Henry's life a hell on earth.
And hearing Henry stick up for me like that
That man's a jewel, Mr Purefoy.
And I'm an evil woman.
Mr Purefoy, what can I do to be saved?
I beg your pardon?
You're a clergyman, you ought to know.
Well ler...
I didn't know, I didn't realise
I was making everybody miserable.
I thought I was just looking
after their interests.
But you were misguided
in your method of approach?
Yes, let's say that.
You see, Mr Purefoy,
I've always had to manage other people,
because they've never been able
to manage themselves.
You see, Henry doesn't know
what he's doing half the time.
And Edie, well, she doesn't know
what she's doing any of the time.
And Shirley? What about Shirley?
I put the deposit down on No. 24,
because I thought it would be nice for you
to have me near you.
A sort of guardian angel.
You see, Mr Purefoy, I knew he was a sailor,
and, well, you know what sailors are.
I know what this one is, Mrs Hornett.
He's a grand fellow.
I can only wish he were my son-in-law.
Yes, your daughter hasn't made
a very good catch for herself, has she?
Well I'm...
Oh, dear, oh, dear. There I go again.
Saying unkind things,
making people miserable.
Oh, Mr Purefoy,
do you think I'm too old to reform?
If I may be forgiven a platitude...
Yes, I'm sure we'll all forgive you.
I was merely going to say,
it's never too late to mend.
Where's Henry?
I want Henry!
Aunt Edie, is Dad there?
He's outside with his ferrets.
Poor Emma.
Tell him to leave his blooming ferrets
and come in...
Ask him to come in, will you?
And now you're going to dry your tears
and come to St Michael's in half an hour.
But what for?
The wedding of your daughter Shirley
to Albert Tufnell AB.
Albert, darling.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
And thanks a lot for being
so understanding about my...
My dear Albert, I was talking
with the voice of sad experience.
You see, I happen to have
a mother-in-law myself.
In half an hour, Mrs Hornett?
Yes, Mr Purefoy.
Edie said you wanted me.
Go upstairs, wash your face, brush
yourself down and get ready for the wedding.
- What, another wedding?
- No, the same one!
Go on, Henry Hornett,
when I tell you! Henry!
Yes, Emma?
Come back.
Now, make up your mind.
Have you been drinking?
I've started.
Ooh, I've just remembered. Edie!
Yes, Emma? I was just going to make
a cup of tea. I thought you needed it.
Never mind the tea, get down to Banfield's.
Tell everybody to stop eating
and go to the church.
- The wedding's in half an hour.
- Ooh, Emmal
I said, never mind, love!
Now, come on, everybody. Are we all ready?
Have you got your bag?
Did you lock the back door?
Come on, Shirley. Come on, Daphne.
Good morning, Mrs Mottram, how are you?
For goodness sake, get on with it.
Get into your cars.
Come on, Shirley, here we go.
And drive fast.
Wedding March
- Smile.
- What at?
What are you grinning at?
You did that. Why, you bad little girl!
- Don't you call my child...
- I shall call your child what I like!
Listen, Emma, we don't want
a roughhouse here. Come on.
Don't talk to me like that!
I might have called you a jewel,
but it doesn't mean to say you shine very bright.
Don't think you're going home now
to put your feet up and have a little nap.
You're going to the reception
to make your speech, my lad.
If you've got something to say, say it.
Don't keep on saying, "But, Emma..."
Just you bear in mind that from now on
you've got to watch your step
and behave yourself proper.
If ever I catch you going out drinking with that
sailor again, there'll be a different reckoning.
But one thing I will say and I don't care
who hears me. Are you listening, Henry?
If Shirley's marriage turns out wrong, to my
dying day I shall say that you were to blame!