Sam Morril: Incorrect (2026) Movie Script
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Morril!
[audience cheers]
Hey!
Tampa, thank you.
All right, don't overdo it.
[chuckles] All right.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, good to be here.
I'm doing a special. This is for Netflix.
I did my last one on Amazon.
Can I tell you a joke they cut?
-[audience] Yeah!
-[Sam] Uh
[chuckles]
My friend had a baby,
so I text her "Congrats."
She sent me a picture
of her breastfeeding the baby,
and I wrote, "Oh, okay."
[audience laughs]
And then she wrote, "Sorry if that's like
the female equivalent of a dick pic."
I was like, "It'd be way worse if I sent
you a picture of a baby sucking my penis."
[audience laughs]
That was my opener, and, uh
I think Amazon was like,
"Who is this idiot?"
[audience laughs]
[sighs] This one's pretty upsetting,
but I'll tell you anyway.
I had a rat in my
New York City apartment last year.
Very upsetting.
I'm on a high floor
and I live in a nice building.
And I was like, "That is awful."
So an exterminator comes by,
he puts glue traps everywhere.
And I was like, "Will this work?"
And he goes, "Nah."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What do you mean?"
He's like, "Rats are smart." I was like,
"All right, let me call
another exterminator immediately."
This other guy comes by,
tells me the same thing.
He's putting glue traps down.
He was like, "Yeah, they're just,
they're too smart, the rats."
I was like, "Stop praising the intellect
of the vermin who's infiltrated my space."
Like this rat is reading
The Economist under my sink, you know?
Four straight nights.
I keep running into the rat,
we keep the same hours.
We're both night people, you know?
You can't relax
when a rat is in your home.
I'm walking around in pajamas
and Timberland boots, you know?
[audience laughs]
I'm on the phone complaining to my mom.
She goes, "Come stay with us."
And I was like, "I'm gonna
take my chances with the rat, I think."
[audience laughs]
Four nights in a row I see him.
Finally I was like, "Know what?"
"I bet I'm home free.
I bet this rat left."
Two nights go by, I don't see him.
I was like, "I'm good."
I bring a woman home. We're making out,
out of the corner of my eye, I was like,
"That is the rat right there."
[audience laughs]
But there's that voice in your head,
"Keep kissing her."
"I bet he's the type of rat
that understands boundaries and
feels really guilty about this."
So I kept kissing her.
I peeked again. The rat was jerking off.
I was like, "Oh my God."
"This is unacceptable."
"I hate this rat."
I woke up the next morning motivated.
I'm on Google looking up
more extreme extermination options.
One of them said "Unorthodox."
I don't know what that means,
but that piqued my interest right there.
I keep reading.
It said, "Rough around the edges."
I was like, "Let's dance.
I'm calling this guy."
He answers the phone on a Sunday.
[gruff voice] "What?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Hey, are you an exterminator?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
I said, "Can you come over in, like, 40?"
And he goes, "Fuck yeah."
[audience laughs]
I hadn't even given him my address yet.
That's how confident he was.
He shows up 40 on the dot.
I open the door, he's with two dudes.
All three are holding hockey sticks.
[audience laughs]
I said, "This must be
the unorthodox I read about."
He goes, "Yeah, we use the sticks to beat
the shit out of the rats and murder them."
I was like, "Yeah, I put it together. Uh"
"I play in a basketball league
on Sundays."
He goes, "Go play. We got this."
I said, "You got this?" He goes, "Yeah."
I asked him, "You got any glue traps?"
He goes, "Fuck glue traps."
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"All right. I like his energy."
So I left these men in my home
and I'm walking toward the court.
I'm like ten minutes out of my apartment.
He just texts me a picture of a dead rat.
And I wrote, "You found him like this?"
And he wrote back, "I made him like this."
[audience laughs]
With three hockey stick emojis.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Sam chuckles]
I wrote, "How did you
find some so quickly?"
He wrote, "They're rats.
They're dumb as shit."
[audience laughs]
Legend.
He did a number on this rat too.
He looked like Pesci at the end of Casino.
Wow.
I told my friend, he goes,
"It's a very inhumane way to kill a rat."
I said, "Throw him in a glue trap,
make it look like an accident in case, uh,
rat forensics comes by
with some follow-up questions."
Just had a breakup with a woman.
I'm a bad listener. She was a big talker.
Tough combo.
I have very bad ADD. I try to listen,
but if you're telling a long story,
I will dip at some point.
I'll be back,
but I gotta dip for a moment.
You hope it's during
something unimportant.
I was worried she was gonna be like,
"Where's my EpiPen?"
I'd be like, "That's crazy."
[audience laughs]
"Tell me more."
She'd travel a lot for work and get mad
when I didn't pick her up at the airport.
She's like, "Pick me up at the airport."
I'd be like, "Oh, I don't have a car."
She'd say, "You should still get me."
"You want me to take a 90-minute taxi
to JFK Airport and then locate you
and take another 90-minute cab back?"
And she'd say, "Yes, I do."
And I'd be like, "I thought saying it
out loud would kind of reveal, uh,
how unreasonable a request that is."
And she'd take it up a notch
just to start a fight.
She'd be like, "If I have to Uber,
there's a good chance that I get raped."
And I never say the right thing.
I was like, "Try Lyft."
[audience laughs]
Lyft will give you updates,
which I think is cool.
I was in a Lyft, and the driver
was going the wrong way, I guess,
and the company texts me,
"Just so you know,
your driver's off route. Are you okay?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
[audience laughs]
"It's your guy. It could be bad."
They're probably texting him too,
like, "You better not rape, dude."
[audience laughs]
"We know you want to."
You ever date someone
where everything you do infuriates them?
I remember I'd text her at work.
"Hope you're having a good day at work."
And she went, "Saying 'How are you?'
is engaging in meaningful conversation."
"'Hope you're having a good day'
is dismissive and rude."
I almost called her crazy,
but thought better.
I wrote, "Are you insane?"
[audience laughs]
"Let's start a dialogue
on how unhinged you are."
She had night terrors. That was fun.
You ever date someone with night terrors?
They wake you in the middle of the night
to the loudest scream you've ever heard.
And you got to be like,
"No, that was fine."
She's a white woman from the suburbs.
It's not like she served in Nam.
I don't know where
all this trauma was coming from.
I was like, "Did a Pinkberry
close in that night terror? Why"
"Why are you so sad?"
She'd wake up mad, like,
"Don't know if you're aware."
"It's really unhealthy
for a person to wake up this way."
And I'd be like,
"I know. I'm also waking up this way."
[audience laughs]
"It's not my fave."
She told me she had a stalker.
I said, "Oh my God, let's call the cops."
And she goes, "Are you stupid?
The cops don't do anything."
I was like,
"How about a private investigator?"
And she goes, "These are your ideas?"
"They cost a lot of money
and don't do anything."
I said, "All right."
And she goes, "That's it?"
I said, "Do you want my honest opinion?
What if we just let him get to know you?"
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
"Sleep next to him tonight,
he'll blow his fucking head off."
So I'm single, and
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I go on dates.
I went out with a woman the other night.
She was, uh, gluten-free,
which, you know, it's fine.
But it's never the only thing, is it?
[audience laughs]
It's never, "I'm gluten-free and that's
the last annoying thing about me." No.
It's "I'm gluten-free, buckle up.
It's about to get irritating."
[audience laughs]
I went down on her
for a long time, class act.
And after a while,
I was just like, "Nothing?"
And she goes, "Not yet."
And I was like, "If you ate bread,
you would have come by now."
[audience laughs]
I think it's connected, no?
Tell you a weird one-night stand story.
I met a woman at a dive bar with my buddy.
She's with a bachelorette party.
We hit it off.
She goes, "Let's go watch a movie
at your place."
And I was like,
"I freaking love cinema. Let's do it."
So we're back at my apartment
watching a movie,
and her friends call,
she puts them on speaker,
"You left the bachelorette party?"
And she goes,
"Yeah, I need to get fucked."
Then she turns to me, goes,
"You're gonna fuck me, right?"
And I was like,
"Yes, I did plan on it. Uh"
"I didn't know
we were gonna be so direct."
Then she just hangs up on her friend.
And I was like, "I suppose that's my cue."
So I grab a condom
and she goes, "What's that?"
And I was like,
"Not a great sign right there."
[audience laughs]
Pretty standard
in the one-night stand game.
And she goes, "So you think I'm dirty?"
And I was like, "No."
But in my head I was like, "Maybe."
[audience laughs]
Then she goes, "You don't get to fuck me
if you wear one of those."
Which I found to be
a convincing argument. And
[audience laughs]
Oh yeah,
I'm not the hero in this story, guys.
I also think it's important
to believe women. And
She takes her top off.
There's an eagle tattooed on her chest.
I said, "Oh my God." And she said, "What?"
I was like, "I didn't know I was gonna
fuck Conor McGregor. This is crazy."
[audience laughs]
Wow.
And we're fooling around.
It's picking up some steam.
And she takes her clothes off.
And she goes,
"Know what I want to do to you?"
I'm thinking it's gonna be good,
because we're naked.
And I said, "What?"
She goes, "I want to kill you."
[audience gasps]
And I said, "Oh yeah?"
I said, "Oh yeah,"
to her, uh, murdering me.
That's how good it is to be a man.
Because if you're a woman
and you hear that, you should go.
[audience laughs]
But she said it to me and I was like,
"I'm gonna feel this out."
[audience laughs]
"I think I can turn it."
We had sex.
It did not last long. My fault.
Vaginas, they feel great.
And she was not pleased. [chuckles]
The second I finished,
she said, "Is this a fucking joke?"
And I was like, "No, my humor is actually
much more layered and complex. Uh"
It's not charming when a man my age
prematurely ejaculates.
When you're young, you could be like,
"It's cool. I'll go again in 4 minutes."
But at my age, I'm like,
"That's the show. Thanks for coming out."
[audience laughs]
She was pissed.
The dick doesn't get better with age.
It's really I feel like I have
an old iPhone in my pants.
The battery's trash.
I'm like, "Two hours? How am I not
fully charged? This is ridiculous."
She just angrily said, "Call me an Uber."
And I said, "I will, but I don't think
it's gonna come as quickly as I did."
[audience laughs]
Not even a smile from that
playfully self-deprecating remark.
[chuckles]
So I called the car.
It said, "Eight minutes."
And I went, "If only."
[audience laughs]
Confirm, she does not like me.
She is not enjoying these jokes.
And we're waiting for eight minutes.
It feels longer, though,
because the tension is, it's there.
And while we're waiting, she goes,
"I have a question. What's my name?"
And I was like, "Fuck."
I wish it were any other question.
I wish it was, "What was Wade Boggs'
batting average in 1994?"
I could have gotten that.
.342. And
I was drunk enough, I was like,
"Let me take a chance."
I was like, "I know your name."
"Your name is Jossamon."
That was my guess.
I was pretty hammered.
And she said, "What the fuck
kind of name is Jossamon?"
I asked, "What's your name?"
She said, "Julissa."
And I was like, "Pretty close."
[audience laughs]
"It's messed up you're this angry
for how in the ballpark I was."
"I mean, three syllables and a J.
I'm right there."
[chuckles]
So she walks through the door and said,
"Send me the Uber info."
So I said, "All right." I texted to her.
She writes back,
"Wow, not even an Uber Black."
And I wrote,
"I'm sorry to disappoint yet again."
She writes, "Comes in 15 seconds,
then calls me a Toyota Camry."
I was like, "Damn, sweet burn, Julissa."
[audience laughs]
"Insults like that, I might be able
to get hard again. Come back."
[audience laughs]
I just sent her this whole bit
because I want to put it in the special.
And it's the classy thing to do.
So I sent her the jokes and I was like,
"Mind if I put this in my special?"
And she wrote, "You could use it."
And underneath she wrote,
"Love that you gave yourself
an extra 10 seconds."
[audience laughs]
Oh, Julissa, you card.
"I hope I knocked you up.
We'll name the baby Jossamon."
"We'll start fresh, you know?"
[audience laughs]
Been traveling a lot.
I was just in, uh, Amsterdam for gigs.
And, uh, my friends were like,
"Dude, you're going to party so hard."
I was like, "Am I?"
20-year-old me would have been like,
"Oh my God, prostitutes." I'm 39.
I went to the Anne Frank House.
[audience laughs]
Both are sad.
[audience laughs]
I was reading reviews
of Anne Frank's house on TripAdvisor.
That's how much of a Jew I am.
I was like, "Let me make sure
it's not a rip." And, uh
[audience laughs]
Here's a pro tip.
Filter three stars and below.
That's where you get the good shit.
I saw one that just said, "Meh."
I was like, "That's it?"
The review said, "It's just a house."
I was like, "Yeah, that's kind of
what it's supposed to be."
That's the significance.
That's how they bill it.
They're not like,
"Come check out Anne Frank's wild ride."
[audience laughs]
I saw a one-star review.
It said, "Unmerciful booking policy
and appalling customer service."
And I was like, "This poor bastard
had a bad day in Anne Frank's House?"
[audience laughs]
Type of guy that goes to the 9/11
memorial. "How was your trip in?"
"Worst flight ever."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
It's a 9/11 Holocaust two for one.
It's good bang for your comedy buck, guys.
You know, it's You know.
Hey.
[audience applauds]
You're too kind.
Anyway, I go to Anne Frank's house.
I give the lady my ticket.
She goes, "You booked the wrong tour."
I was like, "What?" She goes,
"You booked the Anne Frank walking tour."
I was like, "Walking tour? I was under
the impression she was cooped up."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I said, "Can I buy a ticket?"
She goes, "No, this is a hot ticket."
I was like, "Hot ticket?
Easy, Live Nation. Jeez."
I said, "I can't buy a ticket?"
She goes, "No, it's hard to get into."
I said, "I know.
It took the Nazis two years." And
[audience laughs]
She just walked away all smug.
And I was like, you know,
I could sneak in.
How immersive an experience would it be
to have to hide in Anne Frank's house?
That
[audience laughs]
That's kind of the way
it was meant to be seen.
Call my mom. "How was it?"
"Very realistic."
"They were furious when they found me."
[audience laughs]
I just saw a headline
that there's a rise in anti-Semitism
and I clicked on it
and there was a paywall.
And I was like, "Know your audience."
[audience laughs]
I watch too much Hitler.
You ever just burn through World War II
docs, just burn through some Hitler?
History Channel used to marathon Hitler.
He was like their
Impractical Jokers or something.
Bad dude, but kind of
carrying the network, you know?
I'm watching with my buddy,
and the voiceover comes on.
It goes, "Hitler was into
sadomasochism and incest."
And I was like, "You know what?"
"I'm fucking done with him, dude."
[audience laughs]
Strike three, Hitler.
You just pissed me off.
Then my friend goes,
"Know who'd be a good Hitler?"
"The actor Kevin Spacey."
I was like, "I could see that."
Then he goes,
"He can't though, because he's canceled."
I was like, "He can't be Hitler?"
[audience laughs]
"That seems unfair."
His agent's like, "We talked to casting."
"They said you're too shitty
to be Hitler, unfortunately."
I watch so many movies, dude.
I love movies.
I watch I like classics, you know?
Some of the new movies, the script isn't,
you know, it's not tight enough.
Ever watch these big-budget movies
and it turns into a game of
how long can this last
versus me checking my phone?
It's not long.
Some $500-million movie.
I'm like, "Turns out I'd rather watch
a guy power-wash a sidewalk on TikTok."
[audience laughs]
This cannot bode well
for the future of entertainment.
I was watching a movie the other night
with the actor Willem Dafoe.
Love that guy, you know?
Apparently he's got a huge cock.
Did you know that?
He's packing heat.
I was reading this interview
with Lars von Trier.
He said, "Willem Dafoe's penis is so big,
we had to hire a penis double."
"If you saw his actual thing,
it would have taken you out of the movie."
Which is extraordinary praise.
His dick is so big,
it could have destroyed the arc of a film.
[audience laughs]
They were worried some guy was gonna
be in the theater like, "Pretty good"
"What the fuck is that?"
[audience laughs]
Some struggling actor
gets a phone call from his agent.
"Dude, you booked the part."
"Which one? Hamlet? Macbeth?"
"No, uh, smaller cock."
[audience laughs]
"You did it, buddy. Everyone's
very impressed with how not big it is."
They were like, "This is the guy."
I watch too many movies.
I watch a lot of TV.
The news cycle is relentless, man.
That Charlie Kirk thing. Uh
I know, but let me try. That
-[audience laughs]
-[Sam chuckles]
What bugged me about that assassin
is think about murders throughout history.
You know, John Wilkes Booth kills Lincoln,
but before he does it, he shouts out
some Latin or some culture at least.
The guy who kills Charlie Kirk,
know what he engraved on the shell casing?
"If you can read this, you're gay."
[audience laughs]
We've really fallen
as a society across the board.
Also, it's not the dunk you think it is.
The guy you're shooting isn't reading it.
He's like, "Oh, fuck,
I'm dead and gay, what the hell?"
[audience laughs]
No, some cop is picking it up like,
[stern voice] "No, I'm not."
[audience laughs]
Evidence comes through,
"Hey, find that shell casing?"
He's like, "No."
[audience laughs]
"Also, I'm straight."
They're like, "What?"
That's what these assassins do.
That Luigi kid, you know,
the one with my eyebrows?
-He, on
-[audience laughs]
His shell casing said,
"Hey, catch this, fascist."
If you're the bullet-engraving store,
you gotta be suspicious at this point.
"You're a deer hunter, right?"
"Yes, yes, I'm a deer hunter."
"Make this next one say,
'Eat shit, you CEO cocksucker.'"
[audience laughs]
"This guy hates deer."
[audience laughs]
Anytime someone gets murdered,
they come on TV like, "He had a family."
I was like, "Right."
That's not why murder's wrong.
If a single person gets gunned down,
I'm not like, "Luckily he had nothing."
-"So, uh it's good he's dead."
-[audience laughs]
People are very angry with health
insurance in this country, you know?
You know how bad it got?
Amazon was offering discount checkups.
You know we're screwed as a country
when a company like Amazon is like,
"I guess we gotta help."
We're months away from,
"Hey, what's your health insurance?"
"I'm with DraftKings, Silverleaf Premier."
[audience laughs]
"Are they good?"
"Yeah, with a flu shot,
you get 20 bucks in bonus bets, so, uh"
[audience laughs]
"I'm a fan."
All right, I need a drink.
Cheers, folks.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Yeah, man. Had a gay guy hit on me.
That's kind of fun, you know?
Feels good for a second.
Then you have to deal with it.
But for a moment, you're like,
"Maybe I'm back," you know?
[audience laughs]
This gay guy was like,
"How's it going?" I said, "Hey, man."
He goes, "How are you?"
And I was like, "Shit, double greeting."
I just said,
"Oh, I'm not, uh I'm not gay."
He goes, "Not interested?"
"No, it's not personal."
He goes, "I'm a hot piece,
you're a hot piece."
I said, "The cock thing
is a big deterrent for me."
[audience laughs]
By the way,
I didn't actually say any of this.
All I said while he kept hitting on me
was [frightened yell]
[audience laughs]
That's all that happened.
You ever meet someone who's homophobic?
It's weird, right?
Saw a guy outside the Comedy Cellar.
He goes, "Saw you on a date
having an ice cream cone
looking like a fucking homo."
I said, "I was with a woman."
"Also, how homophobic are you
that you can't have ice cream?"
"That's a tough life."
"You're just one treat away
from sucking cock?" What a
"What a narrow tightrope
you must forever walk."
This guy can't go to a restaurant.
They're like, "We have a lovely tiramisu."
"Nice try, buddy."
[audience laughs]
"I had a crme brle in '97.
I fucked 52 men that year, so"
[audience laughs]
"I will not be fooled again."
I'm bad at relationships, man. It's tough.
I've made bad choices.
I remember I dated a girl in high school.
Oh my God, nuts.
Ever date someone where
every opinion they have is terrible,
but they're hot and they fuck you,
and you're like, "I could ride this out."
She would say wild shit.
And I'd be like, "Not great."
But then she'd have sex with me.
I'd be like, "I could do it longer."
She's like, "I want to meet your family."
I was like, "Fuck, they're good people."
I was in a car with her and my mom.
Mom was driving.
I'm up front.
She's in the backseat. She goes,
"I think homosexuality is a choice."
And my mom just turns and stares at me.
And I was like, "Yeah, I know. I know."
"Probably going to bang her
two or three more times, then
try to grow as a human."
That is the problem with the penis.
It still works even if the person is bad.
The balls are noise-canceling headphones.
Nothing's getting to that damn penis.
I once slept with an anti-Semite.
I feel terrible about it,
but it could happen again.
We were hammered.
Right before, she goes, "Are you a Jew?"
And I said, "Yeah." And she went "Ugh!"
And then we fucked. So
[audience laughs]
Know what sucks?
I don't think I changed her mind.
I think she left like,
"Still a thumbs-down for me, but"
Her name was Julissa. And, uh, you know
[audience laughs]
[Sam chuckles]
But I think the AI is helping, man.
I love it.
You see that new iPhone update
where it summarizes the text?
That was clearly made for men.
I was texting with this woman.
It was eight long texts.
I was like, "Oh my God, I'm overwhelmed."
It just summarized.
It says, "She feels like
you're not on the same page."
I was like, "Oh, all right. Yeah."
[audience laughs]
I just wrote back, "We got to get on the
same page." And she goes, "Thank you."
I was like, "No, thank you, update."
Holy shit.
We're simple, men. We're very simple.
Have you heard of the VacuGlide?
None of you should have, but
It's a $1,000 dick-sucking device.
I know what it is because they reached out
and asked to sponsor my podcast.
And my co-host and I were like,
"Probably a bad look,"
but they offered to send us VacuGlides,
and I was like, "Let's hear them out."
[audience laughs]
And we rolled into the studio laughing.
This is going to be hilarious.
And then we got there
and they only sent one.
So
[audience laughs]
Tough position for the friendship.
We gave it to a producer.
Haven't seen him since,
but I started reading about it online,
and every comment's like,
"It's incredible." [chuckles]
Then the next comment says,
"It is incredible."
Next one says, "What's your favorite
setting?" Next one, "All of them."
"They're all you
getting your dick sucked."
[audience laughs]
It's one thing to buy the device.
It's another to need to log on
and connect with a like-minded community.
[audience laughs]
Is nothing sacred anymore?
Then there's the pinned comment that says,
"I've fucked a lot of machines in my day,
and this is a state-of-the-art
piece of equipment,
even better than the Tremblr."
I was like, "The Tremblr?"
You guessed it,
also a dick-sucking device.
Their whole thing is,
it's just like the real relationship.
And comments said, "Mine stopped
working after seven or eight months."
I was like,
"Damn, they nailed it. Holy shit."
[audience laughs]
I bet people try to return it.
They're like, "It's supposed to stop."
"After a while,
it takes a book out and reads,
and you jerk yourself off
next to it and, um"
[audience laughs and claps]
"Two years and it actually
silently resents you. It's incredible."
But here's my idea.
Government mandate, two VacuGlides
per high school. What do you think?
We can't stop school shooters,
but we could slow them down.
[audience laughs]
Those kids are backed up.
It'd be harder to shoot up a school
if you've come 11 times that morning.
[audience laughs]
On come number 11, you're probably like,
"What was I supposed to do today?
I don't remember."
Profile. Find a kid in a trench coat,
"We got you something."
He's like, "Me?" "Yeah, take it."
He shows up the next week in a Hawaiian
shirt and cargo shorts. "Holy shit."
[audience laughs]
"The VacuGlide works, damn it."
These schools are
It's not good in this country, right?
It's never, "The test scores are up."
Never see a headline like,
"Kids are doing better in school."
It's always like a murderer
or a teacher who fucked a kid.
I saw a headline that said,
"Cougars in the classroom."
"The alarming rate at which teachers
are sleeping with the students."
And I was like, "Cougars?"
That's how you know
it's not as bad when women do it.
I've never seen the reverse.
I've never seen like, "Silver fox priest."
[audience laughs]
"Does it again."
"A DILF Boy Scout master."
"Putting up epic numbers."
And these teachers are hot.
I'm talking about the ones published.
I'm sure there's dogs doing it as well.
Open the paper, you're like,
"Pretty attractive."
Then it says "Predator."
You're like, "That's not good."
It does lead you to believe
if you're an ugly predator,
you have a better shot
of getting away with it.
[audience groans]
'Cause maybe the kid's
extra embarrassed, you know?
[audience laughs]
His friends are like, "Did Ms. Jackson
fuck you?" And he's like, "No!"
[audience laughs]
"I'm banging a hot teacher at a different
school. You guys haven't met her yet, so"
[audience laughs]
Back-to-back pedo jokes.
All right, Tampa. I like the vibes.
Why not? Yeah.
[audience cheers and applauds]
How about that P. Diddy, huh? That guy.
I don't want to divide the room.
I think he's a bad guy, but, uh,
he got his kids handcuffed too.
King and Justin are their names.
I think he favors one of them. But
I'm gonna do that if I ever have kids.
I'll be like, "These are my sons,
Big Dick Legend and Ralph. And, um"
[audience laughs]
"I love them equally."
Families, man.
I saw a kid on the phone the other day.
You ever overhear something
that annoys you?
He just goes, "Ugh. My stepdad."
That's all I heard.
I so badly wanted to walk up to him
and be like, "Guess what."
"He didn't want this either. Okay?"
"That's no one's plan A."
"I get to raise the kid of the guy
who came in the woman I love."
"That'll be low pressure
and conflict free."
It's tough to be a stepparent.
I have a stepdad. I love him.
But you know,
there were complications early on.
I was an annoying kid.
We got into a fight and I was like,
"Fuck you. You're not my real dad."
And he was like, "You're right. I'm here."
[audience groans]
I said, "You know what? That's fair."
[audience laughs quietly]
So I've been touring with my buddy, Gary,
uh, for quite some time.
And we did a gig recently.
We're confrontational New Yorkers.
Something always happens when we travel.
We did a gig in Rochester, New York,
from New York City, a 40-minute flight,
tiny plane, we like to sit together.
We're old pals.
We like to chat.
There's a woman in my seat.
And I politely said, "I think you're
in my seat." Her first words?
[snooty voice] "Incorrect."
[audience laughs]
Pretty hard to come back from
that level of hostility out of the gate.
But I remained civilized. I said,
"It's definitely my seat." She goes,
[snooty voice] "Nope."
So I take my phone. I go, "It's my seat."
And she goes, "I'm sitting here."
And I turned to Gary and loudly say,
"Look, Gary, a mentally ill person."
[audience laughs]
"Enjoy. I guess I'll figure it out
as I look for a seat in this plane."
That's life. You bend to the mentally ill.
It sucks that they're crazy
and it sucks we have to deal with it.
That's how things go.
Apparently you disagree,
but that's my stance.
I was on the street once. A guy
gets two inches from my face and went
[screams]
And you know what I said to him?
"Must be nice."
[audience laughs]
I'm holding all that in here until I die.
My casket's gonna explode. Anyway
No, the amount of crazy people
I've seen your downtown.
Jesus Christ, guys.
I took a stroll on Nebraska Avenue and
[audience laughs and cheers]
Whoo!
I walked by the, uh, bus station.
It started a walk.
It turned into a brisk jog, but
[audience laughs]
That's the state of these cities
in America right now. I see them all.
Crazy people galore.
I was in New York City. A guy just
gets in my grill. Just hip checks me hard.
And I was like,
"Wow, I hope he fucking dies."
[audience laughs]
And usually that settles.
I was like, "No, I really hope he's dead."
And I was in a coffee shop
and the guy in front of me
took ten minutes to order a cappuccino.
And I was like, "He should die too."
[audience laughs]
Once you wish it on one person,
it's easier to spread around.
Then an old man behind me was like,
[elderly voice] "Is it me next or you?"
And I'm like, "He's ten feet behind me.
It's clearly me."
But he was old, so I was like,
"You go ahead." He cuts in front.
I was like, "He should die too."
They should all die.
But I was dozing off
under my weighted comforter.
And I was like, "Good day."
You ever do that? What is that?
[audience laughs]
I guess I'm fine. But
I'm on the flight in front of Gary
and the "incorrect" woman.
That seat was open.
I'm next to a man who's deep in prayer.
And I was like, "Look at this
fucking hand job praying."
"Yeah, right.
Like that's gonna work. Prayer?"
"Wi-Fi's ten bucks."
"I'm pretty sure you're not reaching
the big guy, buddy, but
enjoy."
And then about 35 minutes into the flight,
the plane dropped 150 feet.
I was like,
"Let me give it a shot real quick."
That's like my "You up?" text to God.
I'm like, "Oh God."
God's like, "Have we met?"
I'm like, "I've reached out."
"There was an STD clinic in Reno many
years ago and you came through big time."
"Thank you."
"And who can forget constipation '98?"
Then Gary and I lock eyes.
And it's that awful moment
where death is certain
and we just look terrified.
This is the face you make
when a plane's going down. You go
[audience laughs]
You think you're gonna be tough
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
You're just Bruce Willis now,
basically. And
[audience groans and laughs]
I mean, look, I don't feel great
about that one, guys, but
Even if the content upsets you,
the structure is there, guys.
Think of the structure.
Then Gary does this thing that annoys me
where he suggests his life
is more valuable than mine
because he has a wife and kids.
I was like, "Fuck you, dude. I got
a sick apartment. I don't wanna die."
"You heard the rat story,
but it's a great place. I got a terrace."
"I got a nice, nice movie room.
I've got a crazy DVD collection."
"I basically recreated
the Criterion Closet in my living room."
And Gary was like,
"You're comparing my children to DVDs?"
I said, "Of course not.
I actually see the DVDs."
"You're never around
for your family." And
[audience groans]
[Sam chuckles]
Then we get sad
and Gary goes, "I hate her."
And I go, "And I too, Gary."
"And I too."
"It's not fair. She deprived us
of our last 35 minutes on Earth."
"Good news is
we're taking her down with us."
"She'll never hurt anyone
the way she hurt us."
And then we look at each other like,
"What have we become?"
"Let's forgive her, Gary."
"Let's be good people.
Let's go to the grave kind."
"Maybe we get some, you know,
recency bias going into heaven."
God looks at the tape,
"They were nice at the end."
You never know.
We'll be good people.
We agree. We'll be kind.
And right as we make this agreement,
she lets out this insanely loud scream,
full-on panic attack.
And without hesitation, Gary and I
turn and laugh in her face.
[audience laughs]
And that precise moment might be
the happiest I've ever been.
Not just that Gary shared
my comic instinct.
We were laughing so hard,
we forgot we were gonna die.
And that's when it hit me.
That's all laughter is.
Temporarily forgetting you're gonna die.
Sorry to remind you guys,
that is what we're doing tonight. Anyway
[audience cheers]
Somehow
Somehow, someway,
the pilot corrects course.
They somehow get us
back out of this wind tunnel.
They somehow land the plane.
And, uh, as we landed,
we were all surprised to hear
a woman's voice on the speaker. But, uh
[audience laughs]
I'm calling out
my own ignorance here, guys.
I was pleasantly surprised.
And fuck you, I watch the WNBA.
[audience laughs]
I do. And I'm a fan.
I go to a lot of games.
But every time I watch, I'm like,
"I am a good dude, for sure." But
But I'm tuning in.
I lost a lot of money
on the Liberty last year.
Uh, they collapsed in the first round.
I bet with my heart.
And I was screaming at the TV,
"It's a layup, you whore!"
-But, you know, I
-[audience laughs]
I do fancy myself an ally.
We landed safely.
I was so grateful to be alive.
Gary gets up, he hugs me.
We were that happy.
And as we hugged, and we're getting
off the plane, the woman hip checks me,
just like the guy in the street.
And I turned, I said, "What?"
And she goes,
"It's never funny to mock a person
who's having a panic attack."
And I said, "Incorrect."
[audience laughs and applauds]
[audience cheers]
So I haven't grown as a human
at all, guys. And I don't
I don't plan on it.
Let me tell you a story. Um
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
Look, man, I love Tampa.
I've been coming here for many years.
Uh, I do not care
for another city in your state.
It's called Naples, Florida.
[audience cheers]
I got a one-star review on TripAdvisor
from a week I bombed in Naples.
It's not just Anne Frank
getting crushed on TripAdvisor, guys.
My mom sent it to me. She goes,
"I'm mad someone wrote this about my son."
I was like, "I never would have seen this
if you didn't forward me the email, Mom."
[audience laughs]
I must read it to you.
[audience cheers]
Here's how it opens.
"On Friday night, December 14th,
Sam Morril was inappropriate."
I do like that she gave the date
like it's Pearl Harbor.
[audience laughs]
"We had a family event
planned for good laughs."
"Our son, daughter-in-law,
adult autistic grandson and his friend."
"Adult autistic grandson."
I hope that's not how
they refer to him in public.
"Three for dinner tonight."
"Me, my husband,
and our adult autistic grandson."
He's like, "Hey, Grandma, my name's Steve.
Can you stop calling me that?"
"I'm a human."
"The first two comedians were great.
The food was excellent."
"Then came Sam Morril, the headliner,
a terribly bad choice."
"He spoke vulgar opinions
that were not funny."
"He degraded Naples."
I did, fuck Naples.
And you know what? I'll do it again.
I'll do it again.
[audience cheers]
"And he used autistic kids for a joke,"
which I actually didn't even do.
I don't know what she's picturing
to happen. I scan the crowd,
"What is that, some adult autistic
grandson in the house?"
"Shit."
"Why don't you get his ass up here
so I can roast him, autism style?"
I didn't do any autistic jokes,
but if I did, they would have been nice.
And mean, it would have been a spectrum.
[audience laughs]
"People began to protest."
No one protested, they just hated me.
"He could not address this without
insulting the age group of retirees,
telling them they'd be dead soon."
[audience laughs]
Semi-true.
This makes me sound callous. I didn't say,
"Ha ha, you're gonna be dead soon."
I said, "I feel bad this shitty show is
one of the last things you'll ever see."
[audience laughs]
If anything, she omits the compassion
with which I spoke.
"He also said he would punish the crowd
by going on longer."
Yeah.
Yeah.
[audience laughs]
I'm not gonna act tough up here.
I'm not immune to a bomb.
I hate it. It sucks. I'm not immune
to the pain of a bomb. It's the worst.
But there does reach a point in the set
where it becomes funny.
I'd say like 40 minutes in, I'm looking
into a sea of faces who hate me.
I'm like, "This is pretty funny."
[audience laughs]
Because I'm still trying.
And you stop trying for them
and you kind of start trying for you
at a certain point.
You're thinking,
"I could sulk in my hotel room
or I could burn this shit to the ground."
[audience laughs]
I did an hour 38 that night.
[audience cheers]
I know because
the autistic kid timed me. And
[audience laughs]
I'm at the bar, I'm having a cocktail.
This old man walks up to me
and he goes, "You mumble too much."
"That's why no one laughs."
And I said, "I really hope
you don't slip in the shower later." And
And he goes, "What did you say?"
I was like, "Damn it, I mumble. Who knew?"
He was constructive.
This was a point in my career
I should have quit the business.
Every gig was a hell gig.
I was just bombing nonstop.
I was miserable.
And, uh, I was doing a gig
in Virginia Beach.
Long Island iced tea-drinking scum.
[audience laughs]
Pick a spirit and stick with it, okay?
Long Island iced tea drinkers
can never hold their liquor.
They can never behave.
They're talking, I lose it.
By the last night, they broke me.
I just hit him with one of these.
I go, "Fuck you, motherfuckers."
"I shall never return." A bit dramatic.
And the first and only time
I've done the cross middle finger method.
[audience laughs]
A year goes by, my summer's looking light.
I call my agent, like, "I need work."
He goes, "Virginia Beach
will have you back." And I said,
"Let it ride."
[audience laughs]
I picked a very mercurial profession.
I'm on Conan the night before
I go back to Virginia Beach.
And I loved doing Conan's show.
It was so fun.
And I'd just been dumped.
Most of the set is about the breakup.
And it goes over very well.
I'm in the green room after the show.
The actor Luke Wilson was on the episode.
So he knocked on the door and he goes,
[Luke Wilson accent]
"Kid, I'm gonna keep my eye on you."
Never heard from him ever again. But
For a moment, I was like,
"Am I back?" Of course not.
I took a connect flight
right out of Virginia Beach.
I pull up to the club.
I see the same bartender.
I said, "How have you been?"
Her first words,
"Someone needs to replace
the urinal cakes in the bathroom."
And I was like, "I'm the headliner
for the weekend." She goes, "So no?"
[audience laughs]
It's a bad look for the venue
if the guy whose face is on the poster
is lurking behind people at the urinal.
"Speed it up, I'm on in five."
[audience laughs]
So I throw a couple of cakes
and I'm walking to the stage, and
[audience laughs]
I see a giant poster
of a magician named Stu.
Good-looking guy, spiky hair,
eyeliner, the whole shebang
with the classic magician headshot
holding the bird.
And I kind of salute Stu. I feel
a weird kinship with other entertainers
who probably bombed on the same stage.
I go up there, I take my beating
like a rat against hockey sticks, and
I get off covered in sweat.
I turn to the Stu poster
and I turn to my right.
Stu is at the bar watching the whole show.
It felt like magic the way he appeared.
I was like, "Oh, Stu."
And he goes, "You bombed."
I was like, "Yeah." He goes, "Brutal."
I go, "I heard you the first time, Stu,
thank you."
He goes, "Let me take you out."
I said, "Know what?"
"I hate myself too much.
It's not even worth it." He goes,
"Why don't you trust me, dude?"
"I run Virginia Beach."
This is a quote I think of constantly.
He goes, "I'll show you
the Virginia Beach no one talks about."
I said, "That could be
any part of Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
And he just took me to the bar next door.
I was like,
"Dude, I could have found this."
"It's a tourist trap with a line."
He goes, "We're not waiting. Watch this."
We start cutting, he grabs me.
People are getting mad.
He's flicking them off.
And I was like, "This guy might be a lot."
We get to the front, the bouncer
sees him and goes, "Not tonight, Stu."
[audience laughs]
Stu hits him back with,
"You better let us in
or else."
And the guy just let us in.
That's all it took.
It was magic trick two.
He's buying rounds of drinks,
not just for me, for strangers.
And I'm charmed.
I like his energy. I like to be that guy.
I like to buy the rounds.
So I'm enjoying him.
Then he starts doing magic.
I gotta give it up. He's a good magician.
After every card trick,
applause, more people gather.
Then he takes a ball out, does crazy shit.
Applause, more people gather.
The craziest trick he pulled off,
it's gonna sound made up.
There was this attractive woman
and she takes a lighter out
and he just grabs it. And she goes, "Hey!"
He makes it look like it's pulsing
under his skin. And she goes [gasps]
He grabs her, spins her
and starts making out with her.
There was a moment where I was like,
"This guy might run Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
Then he lets her go
and he goes, "Fuck this shit."
"Strip club time."
I'm like, "Nah, it's not my scene."
He goes, "Trust me."
I was like, "Damn it, Stu,
we made it this far. What the hell?"
So we start walking to his car.
It's a nice convertible BMW
that's been horribly vandalized.
Someone's clipped the Beemer logo off
and he goes, "Who would do this to me?"
I'm like, "I've known this guy an hour.
I could give him a list of suspects."
[audience laughs]
He finished his pouting.
He finally goes,
"We're still going to the strip club."
And I was like, "Way to bounce back, Stu."
He gets behind the wheel.
And it's then it hits me how drunk he is.
He's speeding, he's swerving.
I'm scared for my life.
I have visions of the car flipping,
my mom having to identify my body
next to a magician's corpse with a
strip club punched in on the GPS.
It's not ideal.
We pull in to the strip club,
greeted by a blond stripper
who kisses Stu on the mouth.
And I was like, "Who is this guy?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "This is my girlfriend."
I was like, "Oh, Stu, you lovable sleaze."
I've known this guy an hour and a half.
I've watched him cheat and I've met
his girlfriend. I'm impressed.
I picture her finding a cocktail napkin.
"Who the fuck is Denise?"
He's like, "Let me see that."
[exhales] "Magic."
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Damn it, Stu, that was cool."
He drags me to these two strippers.
"This guy did Conan last night
and tonight he ate shit
at our local comedy club."
And I was like, "Maybe just the first part
for future intro, Stu, but"
These strippers were cool.
They were like, "We love Conan."
To this day, they both wish me
a happy Thanksgiving every year.
And it warms my heart.
Their numbers are still saved as
"white stripper" and "Black stripper."
I refuse to change it.
It was a much-needed night
of just getting hammered,
laughter, levity in between
a bunch of these hell gigs.
And I really needed it.
Weeks go by.
I tell this story on a podcast.
Another week goes by
and my phone lights up and it says "Stu."
And I panic, because I don't remember
saving his number,
nor do I remember
saving the picture that pops up.
Stu holding a bird
in the magician headshot.
So I panic, press ignore, and he texts me,
"Pick up, motherfucker."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Hey, Stu." He goes,
"You made me sound like
a piece of shit on that podcast."
I said, "No, I didn't.
I made you sound cool." And he goes,
"True."
[audience laughs]
That's all it took for him to forgive me.
For that, he's always going to be
good in my book. I like Stu.
Years go by,
I get this one-star review from my mom.
I decided to look up my comedian buddies
to see if they're on TripAdvisor.
Mark Normand, Joe List.
And I don't know why,
I was like,
"I wonder if Stu is on TripAdvisor."
He is.
And just like me,
he has a one-star review.
And just like me, it's his only review.
I guess it was from a private event
that went badly. It just said, "Fuck Stu."
"He's a drunk piece of shit."
I was like,
"No, man. Stu deserves better."
I just left my own review.
I wrote, "Five stars."
"This motherfucker runs Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
Thank you, Tampa! Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat synth outro music playing]
[audience continues cheering]
[music ends]
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Morril!
[audience cheers]
Hey!
Tampa, thank you.
All right, don't overdo it.
[chuckles] All right.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, good to be here.
I'm doing a special. This is for Netflix.
I did my last one on Amazon.
Can I tell you a joke they cut?
-[audience] Yeah!
-[Sam] Uh
[chuckles]
My friend had a baby,
so I text her "Congrats."
She sent me a picture
of her breastfeeding the baby,
and I wrote, "Oh, okay."
[audience laughs]
And then she wrote, "Sorry if that's like
the female equivalent of a dick pic."
I was like, "It'd be way worse if I sent
you a picture of a baby sucking my penis."
[audience laughs]
That was my opener, and, uh
I think Amazon was like,
"Who is this idiot?"
[audience laughs]
[sighs] This one's pretty upsetting,
but I'll tell you anyway.
I had a rat in my
New York City apartment last year.
Very upsetting.
I'm on a high floor
and I live in a nice building.
And I was like, "That is awful."
So an exterminator comes by,
he puts glue traps everywhere.
And I was like, "Will this work?"
And he goes, "Nah."
[audience laughs]
I said, "What do you mean?"
He's like, "Rats are smart." I was like,
"All right, let me call
another exterminator immediately."
This other guy comes by,
tells me the same thing.
He's putting glue traps down.
He was like, "Yeah, they're just,
they're too smart, the rats."
I was like, "Stop praising the intellect
of the vermin who's infiltrated my space."
Like this rat is reading
The Economist under my sink, you know?
Four straight nights.
I keep running into the rat,
we keep the same hours.
We're both night people, you know?
You can't relax
when a rat is in your home.
I'm walking around in pajamas
and Timberland boots, you know?
[audience laughs]
I'm on the phone complaining to my mom.
She goes, "Come stay with us."
And I was like, "I'm gonna
take my chances with the rat, I think."
[audience laughs]
Four nights in a row I see him.
Finally I was like, "Know what?"
"I bet I'm home free.
I bet this rat left."
Two nights go by, I don't see him.
I was like, "I'm good."
I bring a woman home. We're making out,
out of the corner of my eye, I was like,
"That is the rat right there."
[audience laughs]
But there's that voice in your head,
"Keep kissing her."
"I bet he's the type of rat
that understands boundaries and
feels really guilty about this."
So I kept kissing her.
I peeked again. The rat was jerking off.
I was like, "Oh my God."
"This is unacceptable."
"I hate this rat."
I woke up the next morning motivated.
I'm on Google looking up
more extreme extermination options.
One of them said "Unorthodox."
I don't know what that means,
but that piqued my interest right there.
I keep reading.
It said, "Rough around the edges."
I was like, "Let's dance.
I'm calling this guy."
He answers the phone on a Sunday.
[gruff voice] "What?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Hey, are you an exterminator?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
I said, "Can you come over in, like, 40?"
And he goes, "Fuck yeah."
[audience laughs]
I hadn't even given him my address yet.
That's how confident he was.
He shows up 40 on the dot.
I open the door, he's with two dudes.
All three are holding hockey sticks.
[audience laughs]
I said, "This must be
the unorthodox I read about."
He goes, "Yeah, we use the sticks to beat
the shit out of the rats and murder them."
I was like, "Yeah, I put it together. Uh"
"I play in a basketball league
on Sundays."
He goes, "Go play. We got this."
I said, "You got this?" He goes, "Yeah."
I asked him, "You got any glue traps?"
He goes, "Fuck glue traps."
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"All right. I like his energy."
So I left these men in my home
and I'm walking toward the court.
I'm like ten minutes out of my apartment.
He just texts me a picture of a dead rat.
And I wrote, "You found him like this?"
And he wrote back, "I made him like this."
[audience laughs]
With three hockey stick emojis.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Sam chuckles]
I wrote, "How did you
find some so quickly?"
He wrote, "They're rats.
They're dumb as shit."
[audience laughs]
Legend.
He did a number on this rat too.
He looked like Pesci at the end of Casino.
Wow.
I told my friend, he goes,
"It's a very inhumane way to kill a rat."
I said, "Throw him in a glue trap,
make it look like an accident in case, uh,
rat forensics comes by
with some follow-up questions."
Just had a breakup with a woman.
I'm a bad listener. She was a big talker.
Tough combo.
I have very bad ADD. I try to listen,
but if you're telling a long story,
I will dip at some point.
I'll be back,
but I gotta dip for a moment.
You hope it's during
something unimportant.
I was worried she was gonna be like,
"Where's my EpiPen?"
I'd be like, "That's crazy."
[audience laughs]
"Tell me more."
She'd travel a lot for work and get mad
when I didn't pick her up at the airport.
She's like, "Pick me up at the airport."
I'd be like, "Oh, I don't have a car."
She'd say, "You should still get me."
"You want me to take a 90-minute taxi
to JFK Airport and then locate you
and take another 90-minute cab back?"
And she'd say, "Yes, I do."
And I'd be like, "I thought saying it
out loud would kind of reveal, uh,
how unreasonable a request that is."
And she'd take it up a notch
just to start a fight.
She'd be like, "If I have to Uber,
there's a good chance that I get raped."
And I never say the right thing.
I was like, "Try Lyft."
[audience laughs]
Lyft will give you updates,
which I think is cool.
I was in a Lyft, and the driver
was going the wrong way, I guess,
and the company texts me,
"Just so you know,
your driver's off route. Are you okay?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
[audience laughs]
"It's your guy. It could be bad."
They're probably texting him too,
like, "You better not rape, dude."
[audience laughs]
"We know you want to."
You ever date someone
where everything you do infuriates them?
I remember I'd text her at work.
"Hope you're having a good day at work."
And she went, "Saying 'How are you?'
is engaging in meaningful conversation."
"'Hope you're having a good day'
is dismissive and rude."
I almost called her crazy,
but thought better.
I wrote, "Are you insane?"
[audience laughs]
"Let's start a dialogue
on how unhinged you are."
She had night terrors. That was fun.
You ever date someone with night terrors?
They wake you in the middle of the night
to the loudest scream you've ever heard.
And you got to be like,
"No, that was fine."
She's a white woman from the suburbs.
It's not like she served in Nam.
I don't know where
all this trauma was coming from.
I was like, "Did a Pinkberry
close in that night terror? Why"
"Why are you so sad?"
She'd wake up mad, like,
"Don't know if you're aware."
"It's really unhealthy
for a person to wake up this way."
And I'd be like,
"I know. I'm also waking up this way."
[audience laughs]
"It's not my fave."
She told me she had a stalker.
I said, "Oh my God, let's call the cops."
And she goes, "Are you stupid?
The cops don't do anything."
I was like,
"How about a private investigator?"
And she goes, "These are your ideas?"
"They cost a lot of money
and don't do anything."
I said, "All right."
And she goes, "That's it?"
I said, "Do you want my honest opinion?
What if we just let him get to know you?"
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
"Sleep next to him tonight,
he'll blow his fucking head off."
So I'm single, and
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I go on dates.
I went out with a woman the other night.
She was, uh, gluten-free,
which, you know, it's fine.
But it's never the only thing, is it?
[audience laughs]
It's never, "I'm gluten-free and that's
the last annoying thing about me." No.
It's "I'm gluten-free, buckle up.
It's about to get irritating."
[audience laughs]
I went down on her
for a long time, class act.
And after a while,
I was just like, "Nothing?"
And she goes, "Not yet."
And I was like, "If you ate bread,
you would have come by now."
[audience laughs]
I think it's connected, no?
Tell you a weird one-night stand story.
I met a woman at a dive bar with my buddy.
She's with a bachelorette party.
We hit it off.
She goes, "Let's go watch a movie
at your place."
And I was like,
"I freaking love cinema. Let's do it."
So we're back at my apartment
watching a movie,
and her friends call,
she puts them on speaker,
"You left the bachelorette party?"
And she goes,
"Yeah, I need to get fucked."
Then she turns to me, goes,
"You're gonna fuck me, right?"
And I was like,
"Yes, I did plan on it. Uh"
"I didn't know
we were gonna be so direct."
Then she just hangs up on her friend.
And I was like, "I suppose that's my cue."
So I grab a condom
and she goes, "What's that?"
And I was like,
"Not a great sign right there."
[audience laughs]
Pretty standard
in the one-night stand game.
And she goes, "So you think I'm dirty?"
And I was like, "No."
But in my head I was like, "Maybe."
[audience laughs]
Then she goes, "You don't get to fuck me
if you wear one of those."
Which I found to be
a convincing argument. And
[audience laughs]
Oh yeah,
I'm not the hero in this story, guys.
I also think it's important
to believe women. And
She takes her top off.
There's an eagle tattooed on her chest.
I said, "Oh my God." And she said, "What?"
I was like, "I didn't know I was gonna
fuck Conor McGregor. This is crazy."
[audience laughs]
Wow.
And we're fooling around.
It's picking up some steam.
And she takes her clothes off.
And she goes,
"Know what I want to do to you?"
I'm thinking it's gonna be good,
because we're naked.
And I said, "What?"
She goes, "I want to kill you."
[audience gasps]
And I said, "Oh yeah?"
I said, "Oh yeah,"
to her, uh, murdering me.
That's how good it is to be a man.
Because if you're a woman
and you hear that, you should go.
[audience laughs]
But she said it to me and I was like,
"I'm gonna feel this out."
[audience laughs]
"I think I can turn it."
We had sex.
It did not last long. My fault.
Vaginas, they feel great.
And she was not pleased. [chuckles]
The second I finished,
she said, "Is this a fucking joke?"
And I was like, "No, my humor is actually
much more layered and complex. Uh"
It's not charming when a man my age
prematurely ejaculates.
When you're young, you could be like,
"It's cool. I'll go again in 4 minutes."
But at my age, I'm like,
"That's the show. Thanks for coming out."
[audience laughs]
She was pissed.
The dick doesn't get better with age.
It's really I feel like I have
an old iPhone in my pants.
The battery's trash.
I'm like, "Two hours? How am I not
fully charged? This is ridiculous."
She just angrily said, "Call me an Uber."
And I said, "I will, but I don't think
it's gonna come as quickly as I did."
[audience laughs]
Not even a smile from that
playfully self-deprecating remark.
[chuckles]
So I called the car.
It said, "Eight minutes."
And I went, "If only."
[audience laughs]
Confirm, she does not like me.
She is not enjoying these jokes.
And we're waiting for eight minutes.
It feels longer, though,
because the tension is, it's there.
And while we're waiting, she goes,
"I have a question. What's my name?"
And I was like, "Fuck."
I wish it were any other question.
I wish it was, "What was Wade Boggs'
batting average in 1994?"
I could have gotten that.
.342. And
I was drunk enough, I was like,
"Let me take a chance."
I was like, "I know your name."
"Your name is Jossamon."
That was my guess.
I was pretty hammered.
And she said, "What the fuck
kind of name is Jossamon?"
I asked, "What's your name?"
She said, "Julissa."
And I was like, "Pretty close."
[audience laughs]
"It's messed up you're this angry
for how in the ballpark I was."
"I mean, three syllables and a J.
I'm right there."
[chuckles]
So she walks through the door and said,
"Send me the Uber info."
So I said, "All right." I texted to her.
She writes back,
"Wow, not even an Uber Black."
And I wrote,
"I'm sorry to disappoint yet again."
She writes, "Comes in 15 seconds,
then calls me a Toyota Camry."
I was like, "Damn, sweet burn, Julissa."
[audience laughs]
"Insults like that, I might be able
to get hard again. Come back."
[audience laughs]
I just sent her this whole bit
because I want to put it in the special.
And it's the classy thing to do.
So I sent her the jokes and I was like,
"Mind if I put this in my special?"
And she wrote, "You could use it."
And underneath she wrote,
"Love that you gave yourself
an extra 10 seconds."
[audience laughs]
Oh, Julissa, you card.
"I hope I knocked you up.
We'll name the baby Jossamon."
"We'll start fresh, you know?"
[audience laughs]
Been traveling a lot.
I was just in, uh, Amsterdam for gigs.
And, uh, my friends were like,
"Dude, you're going to party so hard."
I was like, "Am I?"
20-year-old me would have been like,
"Oh my God, prostitutes." I'm 39.
I went to the Anne Frank House.
[audience laughs]
Both are sad.
[audience laughs]
I was reading reviews
of Anne Frank's house on TripAdvisor.
That's how much of a Jew I am.
I was like, "Let me make sure
it's not a rip." And, uh
[audience laughs]
Here's a pro tip.
Filter three stars and below.
That's where you get the good shit.
I saw one that just said, "Meh."
I was like, "That's it?"
The review said, "It's just a house."
I was like, "Yeah, that's kind of
what it's supposed to be."
That's the significance.
That's how they bill it.
They're not like,
"Come check out Anne Frank's wild ride."
[audience laughs]
I saw a one-star review.
It said, "Unmerciful booking policy
and appalling customer service."
And I was like, "This poor bastard
had a bad day in Anne Frank's House?"
[audience laughs]
Type of guy that goes to the 9/11
memorial. "How was your trip in?"
"Worst flight ever."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
It's a 9/11 Holocaust two for one.
It's good bang for your comedy buck, guys.
You know, it's You know.
Hey.
[audience applauds]
You're too kind.
Anyway, I go to Anne Frank's house.
I give the lady my ticket.
She goes, "You booked the wrong tour."
I was like, "What?" She goes,
"You booked the Anne Frank walking tour."
I was like, "Walking tour? I was under
the impression she was cooped up."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I said, "Can I buy a ticket?"
She goes, "No, this is a hot ticket."
I was like, "Hot ticket?
Easy, Live Nation. Jeez."
I said, "I can't buy a ticket?"
She goes, "No, it's hard to get into."
I said, "I know.
It took the Nazis two years." And
[audience laughs]
She just walked away all smug.
And I was like, you know,
I could sneak in.
How immersive an experience would it be
to have to hide in Anne Frank's house?
That
[audience laughs]
That's kind of the way
it was meant to be seen.
Call my mom. "How was it?"
"Very realistic."
"They were furious when they found me."
[audience laughs]
I just saw a headline
that there's a rise in anti-Semitism
and I clicked on it
and there was a paywall.
And I was like, "Know your audience."
[audience laughs]
I watch too much Hitler.
You ever just burn through World War II
docs, just burn through some Hitler?
History Channel used to marathon Hitler.
He was like their
Impractical Jokers or something.
Bad dude, but kind of
carrying the network, you know?
I'm watching with my buddy,
and the voiceover comes on.
It goes, "Hitler was into
sadomasochism and incest."
And I was like, "You know what?"
"I'm fucking done with him, dude."
[audience laughs]
Strike three, Hitler.
You just pissed me off.
Then my friend goes,
"Know who'd be a good Hitler?"
"The actor Kevin Spacey."
I was like, "I could see that."
Then he goes,
"He can't though, because he's canceled."
I was like, "He can't be Hitler?"
[audience laughs]
"That seems unfair."
His agent's like, "We talked to casting."
"They said you're too shitty
to be Hitler, unfortunately."
I watch so many movies, dude.
I love movies.
I watch I like classics, you know?
Some of the new movies, the script isn't,
you know, it's not tight enough.
Ever watch these big-budget movies
and it turns into a game of
how long can this last
versus me checking my phone?
It's not long.
Some $500-million movie.
I'm like, "Turns out I'd rather watch
a guy power-wash a sidewalk on TikTok."
[audience laughs]
This cannot bode well
for the future of entertainment.
I was watching a movie the other night
with the actor Willem Dafoe.
Love that guy, you know?
Apparently he's got a huge cock.
Did you know that?
He's packing heat.
I was reading this interview
with Lars von Trier.
He said, "Willem Dafoe's penis is so big,
we had to hire a penis double."
"If you saw his actual thing,
it would have taken you out of the movie."
Which is extraordinary praise.
His dick is so big,
it could have destroyed the arc of a film.
[audience laughs]
They were worried some guy was gonna
be in the theater like, "Pretty good"
"What the fuck is that?"
[audience laughs]
Some struggling actor
gets a phone call from his agent.
"Dude, you booked the part."
"Which one? Hamlet? Macbeth?"
"No, uh, smaller cock."
[audience laughs]
"You did it, buddy. Everyone's
very impressed with how not big it is."
They were like, "This is the guy."
I watch too many movies.
I watch a lot of TV.
The news cycle is relentless, man.
That Charlie Kirk thing. Uh
I know, but let me try. That
-[audience laughs]
-[Sam chuckles]
What bugged me about that assassin
is think about murders throughout history.
You know, John Wilkes Booth kills Lincoln,
but before he does it, he shouts out
some Latin or some culture at least.
The guy who kills Charlie Kirk,
know what he engraved on the shell casing?
"If you can read this, you're gay."
[audience laughs]
We've really fallen
as a society across the board.
Also, it's not the dunk you think it is.
The guy you're shooting isn't reading it.
He's like, "Oh, fuck,
I'm dead and gay, what the hell?"
[audience laughs]
No, some cop is picking it up like,
[stern voice] "No, I'm not."
[audience laughs]
Evidence comes through,
"Hey, find that shell casing?"
He's like, "No."
[audience laughs]
"Also, I'm straight."
They're like, "What?"
That's what these assassins do.
That Luigi kid, you know,
the one with my eyebrows?
-He, on
-[audience laughs]
His shell casing said,
"Hey, catch this, fascist."
If you're the bullet-engraving store,
you gotta be suspicious at this point.
"You're a deer hunter, right?"
"Yes, yes, I'm a deer hunter."
"Make this next one say,
'Eat shit, you CEO cocksucker.'"
[audience laughs]
"This guy hates deer."
[audience laughs]
Anytime someone gets murdered,
they come on TV like, "He had a family."
I was like, "Right."
That's not why murder's wrong.
If a single person gets gunned down,
I'm not like, "Luckily he had nothing."
-"So, uh it's good he's dead."
-[audience laughs]
People are very angry with health
insurance in this country, you know?
You know how bad it got?
Amazon was offering discount checkups.
You know we're screwed as a country
when a company like Amazon is like,
"I guess we gotta help."
We're months away from,
"Hey, what's your health insurance?"
"I'm with DraftKings, Silverleaf Premier."
[audience laughs]
"Are they good?"
"Yeah, with a flu shot,
you get 20 bucks in bonus bets, so, uh"
[audience laughs]
"I'm a fan."
All right, I need a drink.
Cheers, folks.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Yeah, man. Had a gay guy hit on me.
That's kind of fun, you know?
Feels good for a second.
Then you have to deal with it.
But for a moment, you're like,
"Maybe I'm back," you know?
[audience laughs]
This gay guy was like,
"How's it going?" I said, "Hey, man."
He goes, "How are you?"
And I was like, "Shit, double greeting."
I just said,
"Oh, I'm not, uh I'm not gay."
He goes, "Not interested?"
"No, it's not personal."
He goes, "I'm a hot piece,
you're a hot piece."
I said, "The cock thing
is a big deterrent for me."
[audience laughs]
By the way,
I didn't actually say any of this.
All I said while he kept hitting on me
was [frightened yell]
[audience laughs]
That's all that happened.
You ever meet someone who's homophobic?
It's weird, right?
Saw a guy outside the Comedy Cellar.
He goes, "Saw you on a date
having an ice cream cone
looking like a fucking homo."
I said, "I was with a woman."
"Also, how homophobic are you
that you can't have ice cream?"
"That's a tough life."
"You're just one treat away
from sucking cock?" What a
"What a narrow tightrope
you must forever walk."
This guy can't go to a restaurant.
They're like, "We have a lovely tiramisu."
"Nice try, buddy."
[audience laughs]
"I had a crme brle in '97.
I fucked 52 men that year, so"
[audience laughs]
"I will not be fooled again."
I'm bad at relationships, man. It's tough.
I've made bad choices.
I remember I dated a girl in high school.
Oh my God, nuts.
Ever date someone where
every opinion they have is terrible,
but they're hot and they fuck you,
and you're like, "I could ride this out."
She would say wild shit.
And I'd be like, "Not great."
But then she'd have sex with me.
I'd be like, "I could do it longer."
She's like, "I want to meet your family."
I was like, "Fuck, they're good people."
I was in a car with her and my mom.
Mom was driving.
I'm up front.
She's in the backseat. She goes,
"I think homosexuality is a choice."
And my mom just turns and stares at me.
And I was like, "Yeah, I know. I know."
"Probably going to bang her
two or three more times, then
try to grow as a human."
That is the problem with the penis.
It still works even if the person is bad.
The balls are noise-canceling headphones.
Nothing's getting to that damn penis.
I once slept with an anti-Semite.
I feel terrible about it,
but it could happen again.
We were hammered.
Right before, she goes, "Are you a Jew?"
And I said, "Yeah." And she went "Ugh!"
And then we fucked. So
[audience laughs]
Know what sucks?
I don't think I changed her mind.
I think she left like,
"Still a thumbs-down for me, but"
Her name was Julissa. And, uh, you know
[audience laughs]
[Sam chuckles]
But I think the AI is helping, man.
I love it.
You see that new iPhone update
where it summarizes the text?
That was clearly made for men.
I was texting with this woman.
It was eight long texts.
I was like, "Oh my God, I'm overwhelmed."
It just summarized.
It says, "She feels like
you're not on the same page."
I was like, "Oh, all right. Yeah."
[audience laughs]
I just wrote back, "We got to get on the
same page." And she goes, "Thank you."
I was like, "No, thank you, update."
Holy shit.
We're simple, men. We're very simple.
Have you heard of the VacuGlide?
None of you should have, but
It's a $1,000 dick-sucking device.
I know what it is because they reached out
and asked to sponsor my podcast.
And my co-host and I were like,
"Probably a bad look,"
but they offered to send us VacuGlides,
and I was like, "Let's hear them out."
[audience laughs]
And we rolled into the studio laughing.
This is going to be hilarious.
And then we got there
and they only sent one.
So
[audience laughs]
Tough position for the friendship.
We gave it to a producer.
Haven't seen him since,
but I started reading about it online,
and every comment's like,
"It's incredible." [chuckles]
Then the next comment says,
"It is incredible."
Next one says, "What's your favorite
setting?" Next one, "All of them."
"They're all you
getting your dick sucked."
[audience laughs]
It's one thing to buy the device.
It's another to need to log on
and connect with a like-minded community.
[audience laughs]
Is nothing sacred anymore?
Then there's the pinned comment that says,
"I've fucked a lot of machines in my day,
and this is a state-of-the-art
piece of equipment,
even better than the Tremblr."
I was like, "The Tremblr?"
You guessed it,
also a dick-sucking device.
Their whole thing is,
it's just like the real relationship.
And comments said, "Mine stopped
working after seven or eight months."
I was like,
"Damn, they nailed it. Holy shit."
[audience laughs]
I bet people try to return it.
They're like, "It's supposed to stop."
"After a while,
it takes a book out and reads,
and you jerk yourself off
next to it and, um"
[audience laughs and claps]
"Two years and it actually
silently resents you. It's incredible."
But here's my idea.
Government mandate, two VacuGlides
per high school. What do you think?
We can't stop school shooters,
but we could slow them down.
[audience laughs]
Those kids are backed up.
It'd be harder to shoot up a school
if you've come 11 times that morning.
[audience laughs]
On come number 11, you're probably like,
"What was I supposed to do today?
I don't remember."
Profile. Find a kid in a trench coat,
"We got you something."
He's like, "Me?" "Yeah, take it."
He shows up the next week in a Hawaiian
shirt and cargo shorts. "Holy shit."
[audience laughs]
"The VacuGlide works, damn it."
These schools are
It's not good in this country, right?
It's never, "The test scores are up."
Never see a headline like,
"Kids are doing better in school."
It's always like a murderer
or a teacher who fucked a kid.
I saw a headline that said,
"Cougars in the classroom."
"The alarming rate at which teachers
are sleeping with the students."
And I was like, "Cougars?"
That's how you know
it's not as bad when women do it.
I've never seen the reverse.
I've never seen like, "Silver fox priest."
[audience laughs]
"Does it again."
"A DILF Boy Scout master."
"Putting up epic numbers."
And these teachers are hot.
I'm talking about the ones published.
I'm sure there's dogs doing it as well.
Open the paper, you're like,
"Pretty attractive."
Then it says "Predator."
You're like, "That's not good."
It does lead you to believe
if you're an ugly predator,
you have a better shot
of getting away with it.
[audience groans]
'Cause maybe the kid's
extra embarrassed, you know?
[audience laughs]
His friends are like, "Did Ms. Jackson
fuck you?" And he's like, "No!"
[audience laughs]
"I'm banging a hot teacher at a different
school. You guys haven't met her yet, so"
[audience laughs]
Back-to-back pedo jokes.
All right, Tampa. I like the vibes.
Why not? Yeah.
[audience cheers and applauds]
How about that P. Diddy, huh? That guy.
I don't want to divide the room.
I think he's a bad guy, but, uh,
he got his kids handcuffed too.
King and Justin are their names.
I think he favors one of them. But
I'm gonna do that if I ever have kids.
I'll be like, "These are my sons,
Big Dick Legend and Ralph. And, um"
[audience laughs]
"I love them equally."
Families, man.
I saw a kid on the phone the other day.
You ever overhear something
that annoys you?
He just goes, "Ugh. My stepdad."
That's all I heard.
I so badly wanted to walk up to him
and be like, "Guess what."
"He didn't want this either. Okay?"
"That's no one's plan A."
"I get to raise the kid of the guy
who came in the woman I love."
"That'll be low pressure
and conflict free."
It's tough to be a stepparent.
I have a stepdad. I love him.
But you know,
there were complications early on.
I was an annoying kid.
We got into a fight and I was like,
"Fuck you. You're not my real dad."
And he was like, "You're right. I'm here."
[audience groans]
I said, "You know what? That's fair."
[audience laughs quietly]
So I've been touring with my buddy, Gary,
uh, for quite some time.
And we did a gig recently.
We're confrontational New Yorkers.
Something always happens when we travel.
We did a gig in Rochester, New York,
from New York City, a 40-minute flight,
tiny plane, we like to sit together.
We're old pals.
We like to chat.
There's a woman in my seat.
And I politely said, "I think you're
in my seat." Her first words?
[snooty voice] "Incorrect."
[audience laughs]
Pretty hard to come back from
that level of hostility out of the gate.
But I remained civilized. I said,
"It's definitely my seat." She goes,
[snooty voice] "Nope."
So I take my phone. I go, "It's my seat."
And she goes, "I'm sitting here."
And I turned to Gary and loudly say,
"Look, Gary, a mentally ill person."
[audience laughs]
"Enjoy. I guess I'll figure it out
as I look for a seat in this plane."
That's life. You bend to the mentally ill.
It sucks that they're crazy
and it sucks we have to deal with it.
That's how things go.
Apparently you disagree,
but that's my stance.
I was on the street once. A guy
gets two inches from my face and went
[screams]
And you know what I said to him?
"Must be nice."
[audience laughs]
I'm holding all that in here until I die.
My casket's gonna explode. Anyway
No, the amount of crazy people
I've seen your downtown.
Jesus Christ, guys.
I took a stroll on Nebraska Avenue and
[audience laughs and cheers]
Whoo!
I walked by the, uh, bus station.
It started a walk.
It turned into a brisk jog, but
[audience laughs]
That's the state of these cities
in America right now. I see them all.
Crazy people galore.
I was in New York City. A guy just
gets in my grill. Just hip checks me hard.
And I was like,
"Wow, I hope he fucking dies."
[audience laughs]
And usually that settles.
I was like, "No, I really hope he's dead."
And I was in a coffee shop
and the guy in front of me
took ten minutes to order a cappuccino.
And I was like, "He should die too."
[audience laughs]
Once you wish it on one person,
it's easier to spread around.
Then an old man behind me was like,
[elderly voice] "Is it me next or you?"
And I'm like, "He's ten feet behind me.
It's clearly me."
But he was old, so I was like,
"You go ahead." He cuts in front.
I was like, "He should die too."
They should all die.
But I was dozing off
under my weighted comforter.
And I was like, "Good day."
You ever do that? What is that?
[audience laughs]
I guess I'm fine. But
I'm on the flight in front of Gary
and the "incorrect" woman.
That seat was open.
I'm next to a man who's deep in prayer.
And I was like, "Look at this
fucking hand job praying."
"Yeah, right.
Like that's gonna work. Prayer?"
"Wi-Fi's ten bucks."
"I'm pretty sure you're not reaching
the big guy, buddy, but
enjoy."
And then about 35 minutes into the flight,
the plane dropped 150 feet.
I was like,
"Let me give it a shot real quick."
That's like my "You up?" text to God.
I'm like, "Oh God."
God's like, "Have we met?"
I'm like, "I've reached out."
"There was an STD clinic in Reno many
years ago and you came through big time."
"Thank you."
"And who can forget constipation '98?"
Then Gary and I lock eyes.
And it's that awful moment
where death is certain
and we just look terrified.
This is the face you make
when a plane's going down. You go
[audience laughs]
You think you're gonna be tough
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
You're just Bruce Willis now,
basically. And
[audience groans and laughs]
I mean, look, I don't feel great
about that one, guys, but
Even if the content upsets you,
the structure is there, guys.
Think of the structure.
Then Gary does this thing that annoys me
where he suggests his life
is more valuable than mine
because he has a wife and kids.
I was like, "Fuck you, dude. I got
a sick apartment. I don't wanna die."
"You heard the rat story,
but it's a great place. I got a terrace."
"I got a nice, nice movie room.
I've got a crazy DVD collection."
"I basically recreated
the Criterion Closet in my living room."
And Gary was like,
"You're comparing my children to DVDs?"
I said, "Of course not.
I actually see the DVDs."
"You're never around
for your family." And
[audience groans]
[Sam chuckles]
Then we get sad
and Gary goes, "I hate her."
And I go, "And I too, Gary."
"And I too."
"It's not fair. She deprived us
of our last 35 minutes on Earth."
"Good news is
we're taking her down with us."
"She'll never hurt anyone
the way she hurt us."
And then we look at each other like,
"What have we become?"
"Let's forgive her, Gary."
"Let's be good people.
Let's go to the grave kind."
"Maybe we get some, you know,
recency bias going into heaven."
God looks at the tape,
"They were nice at the end."
You never know.
We'll be good people.
We agree. We'll be kind.
And right as we make this agreement,
she lets out this insanely loud scream,
full-on panic attack.
And without hesitation, Gary and I
turn and laugh in her face.
[audience laughs]
And that precise moment might be
the happiest I've ever been.
Not just that Gary shared
my comic instinct.
We were laughing so hard,
we forgot we were gonna die.
And that's when it hit me.
That's all laughter is.
Temporarily forgetting you're gonna die.
Sorry to remind you guys,
that is what we're doing tonight. Anyway
[audience cheers]
Somehow
Somehow, someway,
the pilot corrects course.
They somehow get us
back out of this wind tunnel.
They somehow land the plane.
And, uh, as we landed,
we were all surprised to hear
a woman's voice on the speaker. But, uh
[audience laughs]
I'm calling out
my own ignorance here, guys.
I was pleasantly surprised.
And fuck you, I watch the WNBA.
[audience laughs]
I do. And I'm a fan.
I go to a lot of games.
But every time I watch, I'm like,
"I am a good dude, for sure." But
But I'm tuning in.
I lost a lot of money
on the Liberty last year.
Uh, they collapsed in the first round.
I bet with my heart.
And I was screaming at the TV,
"It's a layup, you whore!"
-But, you know, I
-[audience laughs]
I do fancy myself an ally.
We landed safely.
I was so grateful to be alive.
Gary gets up, he hugs me.
We were that happy.
And as we hugged, and we're getting
off the plane, the woman hip checks me,
just like the guy in the street.
And I turned, I said, "What?"
And she goes,
"It's never funny to mock a person
who's having a panic attack."
And I said, "Incorrect."
[audience laughs and applauds]
[audience cheers]
So I haven't grown as a human
at all, guys. And I don't
I don't plan on it.
Let me tell you a story. Um
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
Look, man, I love Tampa.
I've been coming here for many years.
Uh, I do not care
for another city in your state.
It's called Naples, Florida.
[audience cheers]
I got a one-star review on TripAdvisor
from a week I bombed in Naples.
It's not just Anne Frank
getting crushed on TripAdvisor, guys.
My mom sent it to me. She goes,
"I'm mad someone wrote this about my son."
I was like, "I never would have seen this
if you didn't forward me the email, Mom."
[audience laughs]
I must read it to you.
[audience cheers]
Here's how it opens.
"On Friday night, December 14th,
Sam Morril was inappropriate."
I do like that she gave the date
like it's Pearl Harbor.
[audience laughs]
"We had a family event
planned for good laughs."
"Our son, daughter-in-law,
adult autistic grandson and his friend."
"Adult autistic grandson."
I hope that's not how
they refer to him in public.
"Three for dinner tonight."
"Me, my husband,
and our adult autistic grandson."
He's like, "Hey, Grandma, my name's Steve.
Can you stop calling me that?"
"I'm a human."
"The first two comedians were great.
The food was excellent."
"Then came Sam Morril, the headliner,
a terribly bad choice."
"He spoke vulgar opinions
that were not funny."
"He degraded Naples."
I did, fuck Naples.
And you know what? I'll do it again.
I'll do it again.
[audience cheers]
"And he used autistic kids for a joke,"
which I actually didn't even do.
I don't know what she's picturing
to happen. I scan the crowd,
"What is that, some adult autistic
grandson in the house?"
"Shit."
"Why don't you get his ass up here
so I can roast him, autism style?"
I didn't do any autistic jokes,
but if I did, they would have been nice.
And mean, it would have been a spectrum.
[audience laughs]
"People began to protest."
No one protested, they just hated me.
"He could not address this without
insulting the age group of retirees,
telling them they'd be dead soon."
[audience laughs]
Semi-true.
This makes me sound callous. I didn't say,
"Ha ha, you're gonna be dead soon."
I said, "I feel bad this shitty show is
one of the last things you'll ever see."
[audience laughs]
If anything, she omits the compassion
with which I spoke.
"He also said he would punish the crowd
by going on longer."
Yeah.
Yeah.
[audience laughs]
I'm not gonna act tough up here.
I'm not immune to a bomb.
I hate it. It sucks. I'm not immune
to the pain of a bomb. It's the worst.
But there does reach a point in the set
where it becomes funny.
I'd say like 40 minutes in, I'm looking
into a sea of faces who hate me.
I'm like, "This is pretty funny."
[audience laughs]
Because I'm still trying.
And you stop trying for them
and you kind of start trying for you
at a certain point.
You're thinking,
"I could sulk in my hotel room
or I could burn this shit to the ground."
[audience laughs]
I did an hour 38 that night.
[audience cheers]
I know because
the autistic kid timed me. And
[audience laughs]
I'm at the bar, I'm having a cocktail.
This old man walks up to me
and he goes, "You mumble too much."
"That's why no one laughs."
And I said, "I really hope
you don't slip in the shower later." And
And he goes, "What did you say?"
I was like, "Damn it, I mumble. Who knew?"
He was constructive.
This was a point in my career
I should have quit the business.
Every gig was a hell gig.
I was just bombing nonstop.
I was miserable.
And, uh, I was doing a gig
in Virginia Beach.
Long Island iced tea-drinking scum.
[audience laughs]
Pick a spirit and stick with it, okay?
Long Island iced tea drinkers
can never hold their liquor.
They can never behave.
They're talking, I lose it.
By the last night, they broke me.
I just hit him with one of these.
I go, "Fuck you, motherfuckers."
"I shall never return." A bit dramatic.
And the first and only time
I've done the cross middle finger method.
[audience laughs]
A year goes by, my summer's looking light.
I call my agent, like, "I need work."
He goes, "Virginia Beach
will have you back." And I said,
"Let it ride."
[audience laughs]
I picked a very mercurial profession.
I'm on Conan the night before
I go back to Virginia Beach.
And I loved doing Conan's show.
It was so fun.
And I'd just been dumped.
Most of the set is about the breakup.
And it goes over very well.
I'm in the green room after the show.
The actor Luke Wilson was on the episode.
So he knocked on the door and he goes,
[Luke Wilson accent]
"Kid, I'm gonna keep my eye on you."
Never heard from him ever again. But
For a moment, I was like,
"Am I back?" Of course not.
I took a connect flight
right out of Virginia Beach.
I pull up to the club.
I see the same bartender.
I said, "How have you been?"
Her first words,
"Someone needs to replace
the urinal cakes in the bathroom."
And I was like, "I'm the headliner
for the weekend." She goes, "So no?"
[audience laughs]
It's a bad look for the venue
if the guy whose face is on the poster
is lurking behind people at the urinal.
"Speed it up, I'm on in five."
[audience laughs]
So I throw a couple of cakes
and I'm walking to the stage, and
[audience laughs]
I see a giant poster
of a magician named Stu.
Good-looking guy, spiky hair,
eyeliner, the whole shebang
with the classic magician headshot
holding the bird.
And I kind of salute Stu. I feel
a weird kinship with other entertainers
who probably bombed on the same stage.
I go up there, I take my beating
like a rat against hockey sticks, and
I get off covered in sweat.
I turn to the Stu poster
and I turn to my right.
Stu is at the bar watching the whole show.
It felt like magic the way he appeared.
I was like, "Oh, Stu."
And he goes, "You bombed."
I was like, "Yeah." He goes, "Brutal."
I go, "I heard you the first time, Stu,
thank you."
He goes, "Let me take you out."
I said, "Know what?"
"I hate myself too much.
It's not even worth it." He goes,
"Why don't you trust me, dude?"
"I run Virginia Beach."
This is a quote I think of constantly.
He goes, "I'll show you
the Virginia Beach no one talks about."
I said, "That could be
any part of Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
And he just took me to the bar next door.
I was like,
"Dude, I could have found this."
"It's a tourist trap with a line."
He goes, "We're not waiting. Watch this."
We start cutting, he grabs me.
People are getting mad.
He's flicking them off.
And I was like, "This guy might be a lot."
We get to the front, the bouncer
sees him and goes, "Not tonight, Stu."
[audience laughs]
Stu hits him back with,
"You better let us in
or else."
And the guy just let us in.
That's all it took.
It was magic trick two.
He's buying rounds of drinks,
not just for me, for strangers.
And I'm charmed.
I like his energy. I like to be that guy.
I like to buy the rounds.
So I'm enjoying him.
Then he starts doing magic.
I gotta give it up. He's a good magician.
After every card trick,
applause, more people gather.
Then he takes a ball out, does crazy shit.
Applause, more people gather.
The craziest trick he pulled off,
it's gonna sound made up.
There was this attractive woman
and she takes a lighter out
and he just grabs it. And she goes, "Hey!"
He makes it look like it's pulsing
under his skin. And she goes [gasps]
He grabs her, spins her
and starts making out with her.
There was a moment where I was like,
"This guy might run Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
Then he lets her go
and he goes, "Fuck this shit."
"Strip club time."
I'm like, "Nah, it's not my scene."
He goes, "Trust me."
I was like, "Damn it, Stu,
we made it this far. What the hell?"
So we start walking to his car.
It's a nice convertible BMW
that's been horribly vandalized.
Someone's clipped the Beemer logo off
and he goes, "Who would do this to me?"
I'm like, "I've known this guy an hour.
I could give him a list of suspects."
[audience laughs]
He finished his pouting.
He finally goes,
"We're still going to the strip club."
And I was like, "Way to bounce back, Stu."
He gets behind the wheel.
And it's then it hits me how drunk he is.
He's speeding, he's swerving.
I'm scared for my life.
I have visions of the car flipping,
my mom having to identify my body
next to a magician's corpse with a
strip club punched in on the GPS.
It's not ideal.
We pull in to the strip club,
greeted by a blond stripper
who kisses Stu on the mouth.
And I was like, "Who is this guy?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "This is my girlfriend."
I was like, "Oh, Stu, you lovable sleaze."
I've known this guy an hour and a half.
I've watched him cheat and I've met
his girlfriend. I'm impressed.
I picture her finding a cocktail napkin.
"Who the fuck is Denise?"
He's like, "Let me see that."
[exhales] "Magic."
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Damn it, Stu, that was cool."
He drags me to these two strippers.
"This guy did Conan last night
and tonight he ate shit
at our local comedy club."
And I was like, "Maybe just the first part
for future intro, Stu, but"
These strippers were cool.
They were like, "We love Conan."
To this day, they both wish me
a happy Thanksgiving every year.
And it warms my heart.
Their numbers are still saved as
"white stripper" and "Black stripper."
I refuse to change it.
It was a much-needed night
of just getting hammered,
laughter, levity in between
a bunch of these hell gigs.
And I really needed it.
Weeks go by.
I tell this story on a podcast.
Another week goes by
and my phone lights up and it says "Stu."
And I panic, because I don't remember
saving his number,
nor do I remember
saving the picture that pops up.
Stu holding a bird
in the magician headshot.
So I panic, press ignore, and he texts me,
"Pick up, motherfucker."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Hey, Stu." He goes,
"You made me sound like
a piece of shit on that podcast."
I said, "No, I didn't.
I made you sound cool." And he goes,
"True."
[audience laughs]
That's all it took for him to forgive me.
For that, he's always going to be
good in my book. I like Stu.
Years go by,
I get this one-star review from my mom.
I decided to look up my comedian buddies
to see if they're on TripAdvisor.
Mark Normand, Joe List.
And I don't know why,
I was like,
"I wonder if Stu is on TripAdvisor."
He is.
And just like me,
he has a one-star review.
And just like me, it's his only review.
I guess it was from a private event
that went badly. It just said, "Fuck Stu."
"He's a drunk piece of shit."
I was like,
"No, man. Stu deserves better."
I just left my own review.
I wrote, "Five stars."
"This motherfucker runs Virginia Beach."
[audience laughs]
Thank you, Tampa! Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat synth outro music playing]
[audience continues cheering]
[music ends]