Sam Whiskey (1969) Movie Script
He was an orphan child
born in a snowstorm
crossin' the Great Plains.
Sam's cradle rocked mostly
in the back of Joe Callahan's saloon.
First sounds he heard
were the rattlin' of dice
and somebody throwin' chips
on a poker table.
Seemed to influence the boy.
Well, Sam grew up, went to school
made a number of tried and true friends
learned how to smoke, play five-card-stud,
and tell tall stories,
fight and cuss.
That Sam also got in the habit
of takin' chances.
And, what's more,
he started gain' with the girls.
Before much longer, Sam started shavin'.
Heard he could make some money
workin' beef on the western plains,
so he headed out
and got himself a job punchin' cattle.
Got punched himself.
When he wasn't ridin' herd,
he broke wild horses.
At least he tried to.
Met a lady in Abilene
with pink pantaloons.
Learned all about the big, wide world.
The United States government
heard about Sam
and offered to go in partners with him.
Said him and them combined
could lick the whole confederate army.
Sam took up the offer.
Did a little spying, scoutin' around.
Once damn near
liked to got his head blowed off.
General Sherman said, War is hell.
"Worse than that," Sam said,
"the pay's bad."
After the war,
Sam tried his hand at business.
Failed.
Rode shotgun on a stagecoach,
traded mules,
did some work for the rail road.
One time or another, he had a little money,
but always managed to lose it.
Well, Sam grew a little older,
though not much wiser.
Besides women,
his taste ran to good music
and strong cigars.
Oh, incidentally,
Sam never got over the habit
of takin' chances.
So long, fella.
Awakee napa, Goholo.
I know it ain't none of my business, mister,
but was that your horse?
It used to be.
Well, what the hell happened?
I lost him in a card game.
And you paid up to a Yaqui?
That's right.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You got any rye?
- You betcha.
Are you buyin' for two?
Ma'am, I'm gonna save you and me
a whole lotta trouble.
What do you mean by that?
All I'm in the market for is a hot bath.
That sounds wonderful.
- You got a tub?
- Back room. Two bits.
Jed, you shoe my horse?
- This afternoon, Pete.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Agnes.
- Hi.
- Clem, my bath ready yet?
- You betcha.
Thank you.
Here's for the rye, and here's for the tub.
You'll have to wait your turn, mister.
Blacksmith put in his bid this morning.
I don't have time for him to be first.
I gotta meet the stage.
I got an important meeting with a lady.
You'll have to settle that with him, mister.
Howdy.
Howdy.
I... I'll give you a dollar,
and I'll take the bath first, huh?
Nope.
- You're a blacksmith, huh?
- Yep.
My name's Sam Whiskey.
My name's Jedidiah Hooker.
Those cavalry britches you got on?
Yep.
Well, I'll give you $2.00,
and I'll take the bath first.
Nope.
How much?
Mister, could you please
take your hand out of my bath water?
I bet if I was to shove your head
in that tub, you'd change your mind.
Which of your two legs
you want broke first?
What... What the...
I'll tell you what, mister.
Marguerite'll get some water
and swab you down
by the corral personally.
Then you can be all washed up with...
A man sure has a hard time
gettin' a bath in this town.
If you hit me with that spittoon,
I'm not gonna like it.
Hold it!
Pardon me.
Let's everybody calm down
before somebody gets hurt.
That's for the damages,
and, Marshal,
that's for disturbing the peace.
I'll just take my bath someplace else.
Good idea.
Thanks.
If you still want that bath,
there's a horse trough down at my place.
You're welcome to use it.
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loves whiskey and...
You know, you're a
pretty fair fighter for a blacksmith.
But you need to work on your timing.
- I'll try and remember that.
- I'll give you a little piece of advice.
During a fight, try to keep calm.
Never lose your temper.
I'll keep that in mind.
One more thing,
never lead with your right hand.
You know what I mean?
Keep your right hand back here like this.
Lead with your left.
Yeah, I get the idea.
Good.
You probably didn't realize it,
but I'm one of the most feared
fighting men in this part of the country.
I didn't know that.
I guess I'm lucky to come out alive.
- How do?
- Howdy.
Mrs. Laura Breckenridge.
She is in number seven. Upstairs.
Thank you.
Hi. Mrs. Laura Breckenridge?
- You're...
- Whiskey.
Sam Whiskey.
Something wrong?
Please come in.
You are the lady
that tipped me the telegraph
about if I did something for you,
you'd give me $5,000?
Please forgive me. Priscilla just died.
- Priscilla?
- My bird.
That's a shame.
Would you bury her?
Lady, I didn't come 400 miles
to bury your bird.
Of course not.
Have you ever heard
of the Pinkerton Detective Agency?
Yeah, sort of.
I shot Ben Pinkerton in the leg one time.
Yeah. He was runnin'
a spy service for the Union army.
- It was an accident.
- It must've been.
His agency highly recommended you.
That's good.
Mr. Whiskey...
Mr. Whiskey.
There's a quarter of a million dollars
in gold bars
sunk on the bottom of the Platte River
in the steamboat Bonnie Blue.
My husband stole it.
You got yourself
a very enterprising husband.
Had. He's dead.
Oh, sorry.
He took it from the United States Mint
in Denver, Colorado,
and I want you to put it back in the mint.
You want me to put it back in the mint?
That's right.
Lady, there's two things
I don't mess around with,
one is an Apache squaw,
and the other
is the United States government.
Mr. Whiskey, there is a senator,
a former governor,
and two generals in our family.
We have one
of the oldest names in Oklahoma.
Well, that's wonderful.
Why don't you tell them to bury your dead
bird and I'll just go on about my business.
Because, Mr. Whiskey,
if that gold isn't returned,
I'm the one who will have to go to jail.
And I'd rather die first.
You should've thought about that
before you got yourself involved.
I should have, but I didn't.
If I was the President, lady,
and you stole the White House
and both halls of Congress,
I'd only give you six months.
But if I don't keep myself out of jail,
nobody else will.
Haven't you ever found yourself involved
in things where there was no way out?
You didn't want it,
and you didn't approve of it, but...
...there was just nothing else you could do.
Yeah. But this ain't one of them times.
Can I ask you just one favor?
Let me tell you how it happened
before you say no.
All right. But you're wasting your time.
I married Phillips Breckenridge when
he was a promising young congressman.
He seemed honest and principled,
courageous, clever.
My mother didn't like him.
She warned me,
but I wanted to live in Washington,
see all the excitement of the Capitol.
Phillips was very ambitious.
When the opportunity presented itself
to become famous overnight,
he grabbed it.
He borrowed enough gold from the mint
to finance a rebellion in lower California.
The result would've been a new republic,
the same way Texas began,
with my husband
as first president of that republic.
But the riverboat sank. Now I gotta go.
The agents of Benito Juarez
didn't want another piece of Mexico lost,
and expansion is no longer
a popular word in Washington.
There's a new administration.
Well, we've had a nice talk,
lady, and I hope you get...
No. Mr. Whiskey!
When they start minting coins
in Denver next month,
I don't want them to discover the lead bars
Phillips put back in place of the gold.
Yeah, you have got yourself a problem.
Don't be so hasty!
Look inside, Mr. Whiskey.
What do you see?
Instead of the 5,000,
I'm prepared to pay you $7,500,
if you'll do it.
How 'bout 10,000?
Do you know there's 14 different kinds
of river pirates and bushwhackers
between here and the Platte River?
Pinkerton said you could do anything.
He did?
And now I'm sure of it.
What would happen,
when I got that pile of gold,
if I just kept it for myself?
Uncle Morgan would have you shot.
Uncle Morgan?
He's the General in the family.
Well, I've thought it all over...
...and I think I'll just be on my way.
You certainly have got
an active disposition.
-12,500.
- No!
I can't handle it.
I can see right now it's gonna take
at least two more men besides myself.
$15,000.
Mr. Whiskey, that is absolutely
all I have to pay you.
Please say you'll do it.
Please?
I'll pay you half the 20,000 now,
and the other half when you've finished.
I'm damn near finished already.
You have no idea how much better I feel
knowing with your help,
I won't have to go to prison.
Yeah.
I just hope it isn't the other way around.
I think it's wonderful chivalry isn't dead.
- You don't mind if I count it, do you?
- Of course not.
Now, the Bonnie Blue went down
in that narrow channel,
right there where the arrow's pointing.
I'll meet you on the road between there
and Denver a week from today.
By then, you should have the gold,
and I should have the blueprints
of the mint for you.
Good luck.
LWlneedit
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
Mr. Whiskey?
It was nice doing business with you.
Likewise, Mrs. Breckenridge.
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
You own this shop?
Nope.
This your horse?
Yep.
Did you ever see
a Presbyterian wrestle a bear?
Nope.
I'll bet you didn't know President
Rutherford B. Hayes had a glass eye.
What the hell do you want?
How'd you like to go to work for me?
Nope.
That's $100.
Bet you can't lift that anvil.
On one leg.
Doggone! You did it!
You win the bet.
Now how'd you like to help me get
a quarter of a million dollars
worth of gold bars off the bottom
of the Platte River?
How'd you like to help me get a quarter
of a million dollars-worth of gold bars
off the bottom of the Platte River?
Just you and me?
No, I'm figuring on picking up
a friend along the way.
- I'll think about it.
- Good.
You can leave that here.
Sam!
Good luck.
Thanks.
Mary McCarty was shy as a primrose
Skin was as fair as the dew of the May
And though she was tempted
she never surrendered
Her virtue more often
than four times a day
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and...
I knew a man named George one time.
Used to sing a lot.
They hanged him.
Is that a fact?
Yep.
I knew a wheelwright named Abercrombie.
Looked a whole lot like you.
Had two wives
back in Frackville, Pennsylvania.
One was a Mormon lady.
The other a Baptist.
I used to work for him.
He paid me 25 cents an hour
to make wagon wheels.
I'll tell you something else,
he was mean as hell.
Abercrombie went into the Army
as a captain.
First battle he got into,
an enlisted man named Tom shot him.
That doesn't sound like an accident.
I wouldn't know.
Well, go on! What happened next?
When the war was over,
Tom went to Frackville
and married Abercrombie's widow,
the Baptist one.
I'll be damned.
What happened to the Mormon widow?
Went out west.
Started her own wagon wheel business.
Married an apothecary, had seven children.
Was the first lady to win
the blue ribbon for rhubarb pies
three years runnin'.
Tell me something, Jed.
Do you know all that for a fact?
Just thought it up as I went along.
Helped pass the time.
The girls in the city are skinny and pretty
Girls in the country
have meat on their bones
But Mary McCarty
could give them all lessons
In loving contortions and delicate moans
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
I'll tell you what, Samuel.
You gotta adjust this thing
to fit your own eye.
Now, you were shootin' low out there,
so we'll put that front side
right about there for you.
Takes a little time,
but once you get the hang of it...
I'll be damned.
Built it all myself, Sam.
Fires 300 rounds a minute.
The British gun Hotchkiss
fires 200 rounds a minute
and weighs 10 pounds more.
- The French have got a gun...
- You come with a gun, O.W.?
Samuel, I...
Dat gum it, Sam, you know why.
I've been trying to discipline myself.
I'm through with all that chasm' around.
I'm an inventor and a businessman now.
Wouldn't change your mind, would you?
No, sir. No, lwouldn't.
I'll take you in on shares.
You, me, and Jed there.
Shares?
What's this?
Automatic corn sheller.
I'll sell you the guns, Sam.
But that's all.
- That's all?
- That's right.
Well, the least you can do
is give us some supper.
Already got it on the stove cookin'.
A little something to wet the whistle with.
- Is that com?
- Yeah.
If you don't mind, I'll stick to rye.
Sure. Go right ahead.
- Jed, you a poker player?
- Nope.
- You wanna learn?
- No, I don't.
Well, I can't says I blame you.
Jed, did I ever tell you that O.W. here
was the hardest drinkin',
hardest fightin' man
that General Sherman ever had?
Nope.
Salud, amigos.
- Salud.
- To old times.
I don't suppose you'd have any trouble
figurin' out a way a man
could do some work under water
at, say, 15 or 20 feet, would you?
Work 15 or 20 feet under water?
I suppose a good size bucket,
some leather hose
and a bellows oughta do it.
Why? What do ya got in mind?
You remember the time you won $100
bettin' how far
you could throw a cannonball?
Yeah.
I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.
I got a hitch in my back.
Oh, I bet you could still outdrink old Jed
and I here put together, if you wanted to.
Salud.
Well, yeah, I probably could, but...
...that kind of stuff doesn't fit in with
being an inventor and a businessman.
Yeah.
Must take a lot of hard-earned cash to
come up with one of those inventions, huh?
Yeah, it sure does.
Did I tell you that, after expenses,
your share will come to well over $5,000?
Over $5,000?
Over $5,000.
- Bet ten cents.
- Salud.
Well, what do ya got?
What do ya got?
Pair of nines and fives.
One pair. You win.
You figure, a hose
and a bucket'll do it, huh?
Well, I can't say for sure till it's tried.
Yeah.
What kind of work
you gonna do underwater?
We're gonna haul up
a quarter of a million dollars in gold bars
off the bottom of the Platte River.
Salud.
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
O.W. Bandy loves whiskey and gin
- Everything on?
- Yep.
You know, O.W., once your head clears up
and you get some
of that cottonwood smell in your lungs,
you'll feel great.
Sam, stop this wagon.
Sorry, O.W. I can't do it.
Sam, I'm tellin' ya to...
We got a lot of work ahead,
and not much time to do it in.
Your share of the money's in your boot.
Just like I told you, we're partners.
Ain't we?
What the hell are you doin'?
Let go of that wheel.
I wanna talk to you, Sam.
- Can't it wait?
- No, it can't.
What's the matter with you? You damn
near caused the wagon to turn over.
It's my wagon, ain't it?
Look, we're partners, ain't we?
Sam, I'm a man
who hates to lose his temper.
I suppose what you're trying to tell me
is that you could knock me on my can
if you wanted to.
I figure!
I suppose you think what happened
last night was a dirty trick on a friend.
I sure do!
All right, then. Hit me.
I don't wanna hit you.
No, go on. Hit me.
Wouldn't be half enough
for what I did to you.
Go on. Hit me.
I'll tell you what... You hit me.
Tryin' to trick you into a deal
where you make a lot of money
so you can become a rich man.
Become a famous inventor.
A man oughta be stoned for that.
Hit me again.
Now, I deserve it.
It don't make sense...
Letting a man get away
with a thing like that.
Ain't no punishment bad enough
for a man who'd
pull a dirty trick like that on a friend.
Well, O.W.?
Let's go.
Jed?
Thanks?
Any time, Sam.
Git up. Come on.
Go ahead and pump.
How's it feel?
Not as good as a new Stetson hat.
Evenin'.
Well, howdy, neighbor.
Did you ever see a man
run with his throat cut?
Not lately.
Nothing in here looks like a map.
- Where is it?
- I don't know what you're talkin' about.
The map. Where is it?
Look, you out my throat,
and I won't know what the hell
you're talkin' about!
Where is it?
I can't think with that knife in my throat!
Is that better?
Sam.
Yeah?
I think I know
what they might be looking for!
All right, then you tell me
what the hell they're lookin' for!
That chart you got
under the books in the wagon!
There's nothin' in here.
Hey, Jack.
I think your friend is
playing games with us.
Why don't you just stick
your shotgun in his snoot
and let's see how far he splatters.
Maybe it'll help his friend
remember about the map.
Where in damnation were you?
Who? Me?
I was right here.
Page 83.
The river's just up ahead!
There it is, gentlemen!
The last remains
of the steamboat Bonnie Blue.
And you want me to swim out there
with a bucket on my head,
go down in 15 feet of water,
and fish around for some old box?
I don't see anything unreasonable
about that. You, O.W.?
Not offhand.
- Then you do it.
- I can't swim.
Say, friend!
Would you mind rowing to shore
a minute? I'd like to talk to ya!
O.W., think we oughta
spend some of our money and,
buy Jed here a boat
so he don't have to do any swimmin'?
Well, if you're gonna work in the water,
a boat's a pretty handy item
to have around.
I'd say it's a good investment.
Couldn't agree more.
- Howdy, friend.
- Howdy.
How'd you like to sell that boat?
How much you gimme for it?
$10 for the boat,
2 for the fish, and 2 for the jug.
Don't see why you want a boat for.
You can't take that wagon across on it.
Well, don't you worry none
about that, friend.
We're just good-natured rich folk.
Wanna do a little fishin' and drinkin'.
Cousin Leroy made this.
Have a bite out of it.
Thanks.
I'll tell you what,
I'll give ya 15 for the boat,
and you keep the whiskey.
Five...
Ten...
Fifteen.
Mary McCarty had one simple failing
She liked to love men
three or four at a time
Mary McCarty jumped over the table
She liked to be chased
in the days of her prime
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
Good-natured rich folk
who just wanna do
a little fishin' and drinkin'?
That's what he said.
'Course, I ain't never seen fishin'
done like that before.
I wonderjust how rich they are.
All right.
Follow the smokestack down
till you get to the main deck.
Then you look in the first cabin
on the right-hand side.
If you get in trouble, yank on this.
You all right, Jed?
Yep.
Nice river to get drowned in.
Not too muddy.
Down you go!
I've seen enough.
Let's go.
Jed?
Yeah.
I wonder if we shouldn't have
a larger bellows.
Or perhaps more sense.
What's the matter, don't you wanna be
a rich man? Never have to work again?
I like work. Enjoy it.
All right, three or four
pretty girls buzzin'.
A homely girl'll treat you better.
You know, Jed, you're right.
I remember Plato quoting Socrates
as saying about the same thing.
Takin' a chance with your life
for more money than you need
is just plain foolishness.
Is that a fact?
Don't tell me you never heard
of the pure and clean greed for gold.
That's what makes the world go round.
I've heard it said.
Now, what the hell's that
supposed to mean?
D'you know that two parts permanganate,
three parts of sulfur,
and one part of lard will...
...kill hookworms?
If that stuff isn't worth riskin'
your neck for, why don't you wait around
till you get to heaven
for your reward, and I'll keep your share.
No. I'll save it,
have a family of my own,
and buy my own bathtub.
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Listen, Big Annie, this man here,
he's got some business
you just might be interested in.
Business?
How d'you do, ma'am?
I'd like the help
of some of your boys for shares.
- Shares? Shares of what?
- Listen, Big Annie.
He says there was gold on the Bonnie
Blue when she sank in the channel.
- Gold.
- Yeah.
You'll get 10% for your share in helping.
Listen, honey, I don't do nothin' for 10%.
But I'd be glad to have my boys go along
with a nice, fat man like you 50/50 split.
Put your hands up!
Put 'em up!
The next one's liable to kill ya!
Now, put 'em up!
I've found it!
Get outta the way!
Get him, Tom. Go on, get him!
What would Plato, Socrates,
and them people have to say about this?
I wish I knew.
Maybe they've never been
in quite this situation.
That's it. The last one.
Well, boys, I'd say we had ourselves a day.
Let's go in and have some supper.
That feller that drowned,
he said my whiskey were no good, huh?
Well, he was just a poor judge
of the finer things in life.
You know what Fat Man and me
is gonna do to you after dinner?
We gonna slice you up a little.
Both of ya.
And you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna cut your buttons off,
and just watch you hop around and holler.
That's what we gonna do.
You know somethin', O.W.?
I don't think he likes us.
Haul! Haul!
Put your backs into it.
That's more like it. Haul!
I had that guy...
To hear you talk, Stanley,
you'd think you'd done all the fightin'!
I had a hold of him, didn't I?
You got more pollywog blood in you
than fightin' blood! I'll tell you that!
- All he did was ride.
- I got a crick in my neck.
Ready?
Ready.
"Presented to O.W. Bandy
"by his loving parents, Jonah and Ruth.
"Have mercy upon us, Oh, Lord.
"Consider my trouble which I suffer
at the hands of them who hate me."
13th verse, 9th Psalm.
"Have mercy upon us, oh, Lord.
"Thou that lifteth me up
from the gates of death."
Gentlemen, they're all yours.
Say, you know, I think maybe
Sam didn't drown after all.
Either that, or that's the liveliest pair
of underwear I have ever seen.
Sure is lovely stuff.
Sure is.
O.W.! Let's get goin'!
Well, that way is Denver.
And that way is Mexico.
Mr. Whiskey!
Hi.
Hiya.
Hello.
Mr. Whiskey, hi!
Tell me something. You had much trouble
finding us here in the middle of nowhere?
Calculations. A lady has ways
of making calculations.
You like my perfume?
Well, I don't pay much attention to
that kind of stuff during business hours.
Of course you don't.
Now, would a blueprint of the mint be
something you would pay attention to?
I might.
And if I showed you some photographs?
That'd be nice.
Now, this is the mint building
from the outside.
And these are the architectural plans.
Uncle Morgan buys them
from the Treasury Department.
You know, that gold must weigh
damn near a thousand pounds.
How do you think I'm gonna get it
through the front door,
carry it in my back pocket?
This is the floor plan of the vault room.
I'll tell ya somethin' else,
you know we damn near
got killed twice since we left Pawnee?
I'll bet that was Fat Henry Hobson.
Somehow, he found out about that gold
and has been trying to get
his hands on it ever since.
What do you mean? Why the hell didn't
you tell me about Fat Henry Hobson?
I wasn't sure he was still at it.
And, besides, I knew you could
take care of anything that happened.
Wonderful.
How'd you know that?
Well, because I do.
Just like I know you can take care of those
extra guards they've assigned to the mint.
- What extra guards?
- Well, they always do that just...
What the hell you talkin' about,
extra guards?
Before they have minting,
they put on extra guards,
and I just found out about it.
Look, lady, maybe you think
I don't mind going to prison for 20 years,
but what about my friends
back there, O.W. and Jed?
Honey, I know you can manage.
All you have to do is put your mind...
All I have to do is get
the hell outta this buggy,
give you back your money, and quit.
Bushwhackers, extra guards,
what the hell you gonna do...
If you just let me show you the plans.
I've got the blueprints.
Sam, I know you can figure out
a way. You promised.
I did?
Well, if I only knew exactly how many
guards there were on each floor.
I could find out.
Good.
Only that doesn't solve getting in.
Getting in. That's the problem.
I know.
Takes careful planning.
It does.
One little mistake, and we'll
regret it the rest of our lives.
You're right.
I can't afford to take
any unnecessary chances.
I agree.
Well, I'll figure out a way somehow.
I know you will.
I'll raise ya two gold bars.
What's that?
Poulet Chateau.
I should've had some white wine.
If you ever go to jail, lady, I bet
the warden's gonna ask you to marry him.
And make you the chief cook
of the whole establishment.
Cards?
I'll take one.
Sam, you mind if I ask you
a personal question?
Did you cheat just then?
Sam, it's not my gold.
It belongs to the U.S. men in Denver.
Now, why do you cheat?
Well, I may never get a chance again
to cheat for a pot that size.
Gentlemen...
Dinner is served.
We shouldn't have much trouble.
All we have to do is fight
half the United States Army, then...
...fly in a window like a bird.
With a quarter million dollars
worth of gold on your tail.
Nothin' to it.
Yeah.
I'll go on to the hotel. You see
if you can find a blacksmith's shop.
Git up.
That looks like it'll do.
Well, let's see if he's interested in money.
Git up.
- Howdy, friend.
- Howdy.
Nice lookin' place you got here.
Thank you.
I was just wondering,
you do your business cash or credit?
Cash.
Like this?
That'll do.
What kind of forge you got?
Smithfield.
You fellas want your horses shod?
No, thanks.
My friend here is a smith himself.
Wants to bend a little iron.
Take him about a week.
In my shop? I don't let nobody
mess around in my shop.
You ever think about takin'
a vacation for a week? Goin' fishin'?
You mean, and you do
the smithin' yourself?
That's the idea.
Well, I don't know.
I just don't like
strangers usin' my tools.
And... Mister...
- You made yourself a deal!
- Fine!
Now, you rest up. Do a little fishin'.
We'll see you back here next Friday.
You rest up and do some fishin'.
Me, I'm gonna spend a whole week
down at Fanny Barton's place.
How big is that bust of Washington?
Life-size.
What about this empty building next door
to the mint, how far away is it?
Honey, if you're thinking about a tunnel,
there's no time.
Why not?
Well, I just found out the mint inspector's
coming in on the train tonight.
Tonight?
He starts checking day after tomorrow.
- You know what I like about you?
- My $20,000.
No.
These little surprises.
Just how in the hell am I supposed
to get the real gold into the mint
and the phony gold out of the mint
in 48 hours?
Darling, I have supreme confidence in you.
That's wonderful.
What time is the train due?
Oh, not until 11:15.
He's a new man.
Never been to Denver before.
His name is Thorston Bromley.
Do you know what he looks like?
Well, he's about your size.
Maybe a little smaller.
He wears glasses.
Wait, honey, I wanna talk to you!
I have to tell you something!
Wait! I wanna talk to you!
No!
- I wanna talk to you!
- Leave me alone!
- Leave me!
- Hold it.
- Get out of the way!
- Please help me.
Unhand her, sir. Leave the lady alone!
Will you stop it!
Thank you so much for helping me.
The Garden Hotel, please.
Yes, ma'am.
So far so good.
Say, Sam, what was it
I'm supposed to say again?
Aha! I caught you trifling with my wife.
Aha. I caught you trifling with my wife.
Aha! I caught you trifling with my wife!
I caught you trifling with my...
Thank you so much, Mr. Bromley.
Isn't that what you said your name was?
That's right.
Well, I'm quite sure you're safe now.
Couldn't you stay with me
just a little longer?
Only until my nerves settle down.
Can I get you something?
I have a business appointment.
What kind of business appointment?
I'll bet you're a traveling salesman
or something exciting like that.
No, Madame. As a matter of fact,
I work for the United States government.
The government! Isn't that marvelous?
It must be fascinating work,
traveling around
from one big city to another.
Don't you ever get lonely?
No. I play checkers a lot.
I make friends quickly that way.
Would you like
just a little bit more brandy?
No, thank you.
Maybe... Maybe you'd like
to lie down and rest for a while.
No. I do have an appointment.
I must get to my hotel and check in.
- You can stay here!
- Here?
In your room?
I'd feel so much safer.
And then, after you've rested for a while,
and freshened up, if you like,
we could play checkers!
Or something.
Well...
I...
No... Really, I shouldn't.
Who could that be?
I caught you foolin' around...
- Me?
- Trifling around with my wife!
Don't move or I'll...
I guess I didn't do it so slick, huh?
But effective.
There. That does it.
Now, don't breathe too deeply.
You'll pop your collar button.
Don't worry, Mr. Bromley.
We won't break them.
Damn tie.
Don't know why a treasury man
has to wear a tie.
What men won't do for money
and other considerations.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Now, now, now.
Everything's going to be all right.
Here you are.
Thorston Bromley. Bureau of the Mints.
- We've been expecting you, Mr. Bromley.
- Thank you, sir.
Briefcase.
Regulation 18-C.
And a very good regulation it is, sir.
Mr. Perkins.
Mr. Bromley, this is
the mint superintendent Mr. Perkins.
- Glad to know you, Perkins.
- Bromley.
- It is Thorston Bromley?
- Yes.
Were you with
the department in Philadelphia?
No.
Very nice building, Perkins.
- Very nice building.
- Thank you.
Shall we get started?
Yes. Yes. We'll take the elevator.
Bromley, you know, I could've sworn
there was a Thorston Bromley...
I have to get finished here, Perkins,
and get on to our mint in Carson City.
Yes. Of course.
We'll start with the second floor.
By the way, I don't suppose you were
ever in Washington three years...
I haven't been to Washington in five years.
Tell me, how often do you
get this elevator serviced?
Every month.
The rails need greasing.
Well...
To the right.
We'll start with the vault
in the security room.
That'll be fine.
That's the exit to the roof.
Open up, corporal.
May I see your weapon, please?
Thank you.
- How many shifts on your post, corporal?
- Only one, sir.
- What time do you start?
-8:00.
- What time do you finish?
- At 6:00, when the mint closes, sir.
Very good. Sorry.
Your hammer spring needs tightening.
Take that gun to ordnance
first thing in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Bromley?
Yeah.
We're all ready to start minting that gold.
That is, as soon as you've
finished your inspection, of course.
That'll be fine.
Besides the smelting room,
the weights and measures
and the engraving room
are also down in the basement.
Very good.
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
Did you say something?
No. Just singing.
Here we are, Mr. Bromley.
Of course, right now,
everything is at a standstill,
waiting for your go-ahead.
Yes, I understand.
These guards, you have
the personal histories on all of them?
Of course, Mr. Bromley.
That's standard procedure.
I've been with the Bureau
of the Mint for 17 years, and...
Just checking, Perkins. I'm just checking.
It's one of the pitfalls of my job.
You start mistrusting people.
- Yes, I...
- On the other hand...
That was my fault, Perkins.
I don't know how that happened.
Boys, would you give us a hand here?
I insist.
I'm sure it was my fault.
I insist. I tripped,
and I'm gonna have it fixed.
- Really, Mr. Bromley, there's no need...
- Perkins, he's the Father of our Country.
We can't leave him with a broken nose.
Can we?
Of course not.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Right in here.
Easy does it.
- Melting pot about ready?
- Just about.
Make sure you get
that nose on straight, O.W.
For the Father of our Country,
I'll do my best.
- Well?
- They're meltin' the gold!
Meltin' the gold? What for?
All I know is I saw them melting it.
As soon as the mold hardens, we'll take
old George out and pour new George in.
Mr. Bromley?
Look what I brought you.
O.W., you're an artist.
His only mistake
was not being born in Paris, France.
Gentlemen, it's nice...
...to be appreciated.
We'll wait until morning.
Let them finish whatever they're doing.
Then we'll decide how to handle it.
No...
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary...
Say, that is pretty, ain't it?
Git up.
Easy as picking cherries.
Go get us our wagon.
Hey, a little help here, please!
Give us a hand, will ya?
Easy does it, gentlemen.
Easy does it.
Very carefully, please.
All right.
This way.
Nice job, men.
Thank you.
- Hello, Mr. Bromley.
- Hello, Perkins.
I brought your statue back
as good as new, I hope.
I'm sure it is. I appreciate your trouble.
- No trouble at all.
- Well!
Here we are.
Let's... Let's get
to those coin reports, shall we?
Yes, of course.
We should have everything
cleared up by tonight.
You're really getting to know
your way around here, Mr. Bromley.
Say, it's a shame the way the plumbing
goes to pot in these government buildings.
Yup.
Hi, neighbor. It's all right,
go right ahead.
Well, there they are, Mr. Bromley.
Waiting for you.
Now, if I can be of any assistance,
I'll be glad to stay around.
Or if you'd prefer to be by yourself,
whichever you wish.
Why don't you stay around a little while
until I have a better look at these ledgers.
Perkins?
I've got about four more hours
of work to do here.
Well, I wonder if you'll be wanting me
to stay any longer, Mr. Bromley.
I must say, if all the mints
were run the way you run this one,
the bureau would be in excellent shape.
Thank you.
There's no need for you to stay.
Very good.
- Good night, Mr. Bromley.
- Good night, Perkins.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
- Oh, Corporal?
- Sir?
What's going on in the lavatory?
I don't know, sir, but the workmen
seem to be taking care of it.
- Where are they?
- Must've gone home, sir.
Well...
Here's the key imprint
and the other things you asked for.
Get the duplicate made.
I'll meet you on the rotunda.
- Hank.
- Pete, how goes it?
Fine. Do me a favor,
next time you pass Henderson...
Henderson's not on duty tonight.
He traded with McGuffey.
Have McGuffey bring me some coffee.
All right.
- Sugar?
- Yeah.
- Pete?
- Yeah?
McGuffey said to get your own coffee.
- He did, did he?
- Yeah.
What about the $4.00 I loaned him?
He didn't mention it to me.
Did you hear something?
It's the plumbing. They're workin' on it.
Tie it off.
Hank, I'll get you a cup on my next round.
Thank you.
You're relieved, Pete.
Yeah.
Thanks, Johnny.
What's wrong?
Oh, nothing. I'm just not sleepy.
That's good. Now go back to sleep.
Hey, Pete...
- Here's your coffee.
- O.W.!
There wasn't any more sugar.
Must be McGuffey. He uses
more sugar than any man I know.
By the way, did you pass Joe
while you were on your round?
No. Why?
I wondered if he was using
the freight elevator.
- That's against the rules.
- I know.
- Well, Pete, enjoy your coffee.
- Thanks.
Here's your key, Sam.
See you later.
Seven...
Nineteen...
Twenty-th...
No, that's not right. I'll start over.
Seven...
Back to nineteen...
Seven...
Twenty-fou r...
Joe?
- Did you use the elevator a while ago?
- No, why?
Nothing.
Seven...
- O.W.
- Yeah?
I'm terribly sorry.
What's wrong? Can't you lie still?
It's the plumbing.
Now, who ordered the plumbing fixed?
- Whose plumbing?
- My plumbing.
What do you mean? There's
nothing wrong with your plumbing.
That's it! There is nothing wrong
with my plumbing.
That's what's wrong!
Sorry.
That wasn't plumbing.
Maybe the boiler room.
No, it sounded more
like the smelting room.
Nothing down there,
but Mac left the fire going in the forge.
- Didn't you put it out?
- I didn't know if I should.
I'll do it.
Honesty is the best policy.
Stolen money burns a hole in your pocket.
Yeah.
Outta the way!
Hank, take a look at this.
I found it in the smelting room.
All of the men
in the smelting room wear caps.
You know those plumbers who were
here this afternoon, did anybody ever...
Where the hell is George Washington?
We're being robbed!
Hank, you cover the basement!
Pete, you come with me!
Joe, sound the alarm!
Come on, boy.
- Halt!
- Jump!
Corporal of the Guard!
Mr. Perkins, this man claims
he's the treasury inspector.
Yes, that's right.
My name is Bromley, I came...
Bromley? Did... Did you say Bromley?
This is the damndest gold I ever seen.
Mary McCarty
has gone up to heaven
She's mourned by her friends
at her untimely fate
She perished one night
in the arms of a lover
And passed from this world
She was just 88
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty
Loved whiskey and gin
What's the name of the next town we hit?
Ludlow, Kansas.
We're due there at 6:00 p.m., sir.
- Tell you what...
- Thank you.
- Why don't you put...
- Yes, ma'am.
Three more hours to go.
I don't know if I'll make it till then.
Sam, you can try.
Can't you?
born in a snowstorm
crossin' the Great Plains.
Sam's cradle rocked mostly
in the back of Joe Callahan's saloon.
First sounds he heard
were the rattlin' of dice
and somebody throwin' chips
on a poker table.
Seemed to influence the boy.
Well, Sam grew up, went to school
made a number of tried and true friends
learned how to smoke, play five-card-stud,
and tell tall stories,
fight and cuss.
That Sam also got in the habit
of takin' chances.
And, what's more,
he started gain' with the girls.
Before much longer, Sam started shavin'.
Heard he could make some money
workin' beef on the western plains,
so he headed out
and got himself a job punchin' cattle.
Got punched himself.
When he wasn't ridin' herd,
he broke wild horses.
At least he tried to.
Met a lady in Abilene
with pink pantaloons.
Learned all about the big, wide world.
The United States government
heard about Sam
and offered to go in partners with him.
Said him and them combined
could lick the whole confederate army.
Sam took up the offer.
Did a little spying, scoutin' around.
Once damn near
liked to got his head blowed off.
General Sherman said, War is hell.
"Worse than that," Sam said,
"the pay's bad."
After the war,
Sam tried his hand at business.
Failed.
Rode shotgun on a stagecoach,
traded mules,
did some work for the rail road.
One time or another, he had a little money,
but always managed to lose it.
Well, Sam grew a little older,
though not much wiser.
Besides women,
his taste ran to good music
and strong cigars.
Oh, incidentally,
Sam never got over the habit
of takin' chances.
So long, fella.
Awakee napa, Goholo.
I know it ain't none of my business, mister,
but was that your horse?
It used to be.
Well, what the hell happened?
I lost him in a card game.
And you paid up to a Yaqui?
That's right.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You got any rye?
- You betcha.
Are you buyin' for two?
Ma'am, I'm gonna save you and me
a whole lotta trouble.
What do you mean by that?
All I'm in the market for is a hot bath.
That sounds wonderful.
- You got a tub?
- Back room. Two bits.
Jed, you shoe my horse?
- This afternoon, Pete.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Agnes.
- Hi.
- Clem, my bath ready yet?
- You betcha.
Thank you.
Here's for the rye, and here's for the tub.
You'll have to wait your turn, mister.
Blacksmith put in his bid this morning.
I don't have time for him to be first.
I gotta meet the stage.
I got an important meeting with a lady.
You'll have to settle that with him, mister.
Howdy.
Howdy.
I... I'll give you a dollar,
and I'll take the bath first, huh?
Nope.
- You're a blacksmith, huh?
- Yep.
My name's Sam Whiskey.
My name's Jedidiah Hooker.
Those cavalry britches you got on?
Yep.
Well, I'll give you $2.00,
and I'll take the bath first.
Nope.
How much?
Mister, could you please
take your hand out of my bath water?
I bet if I was to shove your head
in that tub, you'd change your mind.
Which of your two legs
you want broke first?
What... What the...
I'll tell you what, mister.
Marguerite'll get some water
and swab you down
by the corral personally.
Then you can be all washed up with...
A man sure has a hard time
gettin' a bath in this town.
If you hit me with that spittoon,
I'm not gonna like it.
Hold it!
Pardon me.
Let's everybody calm down
before somebody gets hurt.
That's for the damages,
and, Marshal,
that's for disturbing the peace.
I'll just take my bath someplace else.
Good idea.
Thanks.
If you still want that bath,
there's a horse trough down at my place.
You're welcome to use it.
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loves whiskey and...
You know, you're a
pretty fair fighter for a blacksmith.
But you need to work on your timing.
- I'll try and remember that.
- I'll give you a little piece of advice.
During a fight, try to keep calm.
Never lose your temper.
I'll keep that in mind.
One more thing,
never lead with your right hand.
You know what I mean?
Keep your right hand back here like this.
Lead with your left.
Yeah, I get the idea.
Good.
You probably didn't realize it,
but I'm one of the most feared
fighting men in this part of the country.
I didn't know that.
I guess I'm lucky to come out alive.
- How do?
- Howdy.
Mrs. Laura Breckenridge.
She is in number seven. Upstairs.
Thank you.
Hi. Mrs. Laura Breckenridge?
- You're...
- Whiskey.
Sam Whiskey.
Something wrong?
Please come in.
You are the lady
that tipped me the telegraph
about if I did something for you,
you'd give me $5,000?
Please forgive me. Priscilla just died.
- Priscilla?
- My bird.
That's a shame.
Would you bury her?
Lady, I didn't come 400 miles
to bury your bird.
Of course not.
Have you ever heard
of the Pinkerton Detective Agency?
Yeah, sort of.
I shot Ben Pinkerton in the leg one time.
Yeah. He was runnin'
a spy service for the Union army.
- It was an accident.
- It must've been.
His agency highly recommended you.
That's good.
Mr. Whiskey...
Mr. Whiskey.
There's a quarter of a million dollars
in gold bars
sunk on the bottom of the Platte River
in the steamboat Bonnie Blue.
My husband stole it.
You got yourself
a very enterprising husband.
Had. He's dead.
Oh, sorry.
He took it from the United States Mint
in Denver, Colorado,
and I want you to put it back in the mint.
You want me to put it back in the mint?
That's right.
Lady, there's two things
I don't mess around with,
one is an Apache squaw,
and the other
is the United States government.
Mr. Whiskey, there is a senator,
a former governor,
and two generals in our family.
We have one
of the oldest names in Oklahoma.
Well, that's wonderful.
Why don't you tell them to bury your dead
bird and I'll just go on about my business.
Because, Mr. Whiskey,
if that gold isn't returned,
I'm the one who will have to go to jail.
And I'd rather die first.
You should've thought about that
before you got yourself involved.
I should have, but I didn't.
If I was the President, lady,
and you stole the White House
and both halls of Congress,
I'd only give you six months.
But if I don't keep myself out of jail,
nobody else will.
Haven't you ever found yourself involved
in things where there was no way out?
You didn't want it,
and you didn't approve of it, but...
...there was just nothing else you could do.
Yeah. But this ain't one of them times.
Can I ask you just one favor?
Let me tell you how it happened
before you say no.
All right. But you're wasting your time.
I married Phillips Breckenridge when
he was a promising young congressman.
He seemed honest and principled,
courageous, clever.
My mother didn't like him.
She warned me,
but I wanted to live in Washington,
see all the excitement of the Capitol.
Phillips was very ambitious.
When the opportunity presented itself
to become famous overnight,
he grabbed it.
He borrowed enough gold from the mint
to finance a rebellion in lower California.
The result would've been a new republic,
the same way Texas began,
with my husband
as first president of that republic.
But the riverboat sank. Now I gotta go.
The agents of Benito Juarez
didn't want another piece of Mexico lost,
and expansion is no longer
a popular word in Washington.
There's a new administration.
Well, we've had a nice talk,
lady, and I hope you get...
No. Mr. Whiskey!
When they start minting coins
in Denver next month,
I don't want them to discover the lead bars
Phillips put back in place of the gold.
Yeah, you have got yourself a problem.
Don't be so hasty!
Look inside, Mr. Whiskey.
What do you see?
Instead of the 5,000,
I'm prepared to pay you $7,500,
if you'll do it.
How 'bout 10,000?
Do you know there's 14 different kinds
of river pirates and bushwhackers
between here and the Platte River?
Pinkerton said you could do anything.
He did?
And now I'm sure of it.
What would happen,
when I got that pile of gold,
if I just kept it for myself?
Uncle Morgan would have you shot.
Uncle Morgan?
He's the General in the family.
Well, I've thought it all over...
...and I think I'll just be on my way.
You certainly have got
an active disposition.
-12,500.
- No!
I can't handle it.
I can see right now it's gonna take
at least two more men besides myself.
$15,000.
Mr. Whiskey, that is absolutely
all I have to pay you.
Please say you'll do it.
Please?
I'll pay you half the 20,000 now,
and the other half when you've finished.
I'm damn near finished already.
You have no idea how much better I feel
knowing with your help,
I won't have to go to prison.
Yeah.
I just hope it isn't the other way around.
I think it's wonderful chivalry isn't dead.
- You don't mind if I count it, do you?
- Of course not.
Now, the Bonnie Blue went down
in that narrow channel,
right there where the arrow's pointing.
I'll meet you on the road between there
and Denver a week from today.
By then, you should have the gold,
and I should have the blueprints
of the mint for you.
Good luck.
LWlneedit
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
Mr. Whiskey?
It was nice doing business with you.
Likewise, Mrs. Breckenridge.
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
You own this shop?
Nope.
This your horse?
Yep.
Did you ever see
a Presbyterian wrestle a bear?
Nope.
I'll bet you didn't know President
Rutherford B. Hayes had a glass eye.
What the hell do you want?
How'd you like to go to work for me?
Nope.
That's $100.
Bet you can't lift that anvil.
On one leg.
Doggone! You did it!
You win the bet.
Now how'd you like to help me get
a quarter of a million dollars
worth of gold bars off the bottom
of the Platte River?
How'd you like to help me get a quarter
of a million dollars-worth of gold bars
off the bottom of the Platte River?
Just you and me?
No, I'm figuring on picking up
a friend along the way.
- I'll think about it.
- Good.
You can leave that here.
Sam!
Good luck.
Thanks.
Mary McCarty was shy as a primrose
Skin was as fair as the dew of the May
And though she was tempted
she never surrendered
Her virtue more often
than four times a day
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and...
I knew a man named George one time.
Used to sing a lot.
They hanged him.
Is that a fact?
Yep.
I knew a wheelwright named Abercrombie.
Looked a whole lot like you.
Had two wives
back in Frackville, Pennsylvania.
One was a Mormon lady.
The other a Baptist.
I used to work for him.
He paid me 25 cents an hour
to make wagon wheels.
I'll tell you something else,
he was mean as hell.
Abercrombie went into the Army
as a captain.
First battle he got into,
an enlisted man named Tom shot him.
That doesn't sound like an accident.
I wouldn't know.
Well, go on! What happened next?
When the war was over,
Tom went to Frackville
and married Abercrombie's widow,
the Baptist one.
I'll be damned.
What happened to the Mormon widow?
Went out west.
Started her own wagon wheel business.
Married an apothecary, had seven children.
Was the first lady to win
the blue ribbon for rhubarb pies
three years runnin'.
Tell me something, Jed.
Do you know all that for a fact?
Just thought it up as I went along.
Helped pass the time.
The girls in the city are skinny and pretty
Girls in the country
have meat on their bones
But Mary McCarty
could give them all lessons
In loving contortions and delicate moans
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
I'll tell you what, Samuel.
You gotta adjust this thing
to fit your own eye.
Now, you were shootin' low out there,
so we'll put that front side
right about there for you.
Takes a little time,
but once you get the hang of it...
I'll be damned.
Built it all myself, Sam.
Fires 300 rounds a minute.
The British gun Hotchkiss
fires 200 rounds a minute
and weighs 10 pounds more.
- The French have got a gun...
- You come with a gun, O.W.?
Samuel, I...
Dat gum it, Sam, you know why.
I've been trying to discipline myself.
I'm through with all that chasm' around.
I'm an inventor and a businessman now.
Wouldn't change your mind, would you?
No, sir. No, lwouldn't.
I'll take you in on shares.
You, me, and Jed there.
Shares?
What's this?
Automatic corn sheller.
I'll sell you the guns, Sam.
But that's all.
- That's all?
- That's right.
Well, the least you can do
is give us some supper.
Already got it on the stove cookin'.
A little something to wet the whistle with.
- Is that com?
- Yeah.
If you don't mind, I'll stick to rye.
Sure. Go right ahead.
- Jed, you a poker player?
- Nope.
- You wanna learn?
- No, I don't.
Well, I can't says I blame you.
Jed, did I ever tell you that O.W. here
was the hardest drinkin',
hardest fightin' man
that General Sherman ever had?
Nope.
Salud, amigos.
- Salud.
- To old times.
I don't suppose you'd have any trouble
figurin' out a way a man
could do some work under water
at, say, 15 or 20 feet, would you?
Work 15 or 20 feet under water?
I suppose a good size bucket,
some leather hose
and a bellows oughta do it.
Why? What do ya got in mind?
You remember the time you won $100
bettin' how far
you could throw a cannonball?
Yeah.
I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.
I got a hitch in my back.
Oh, I bet you could still outdrink old Jed
and I here put together, if you wanted to.
Salud.
Well, yeah, I probably could, but...
...that kind of stuff doesn't fit in with
being an inventor and a businessman.
Yeah.
Must take a lot of hard-earned cash to
come up with one of those inventions, huh?
Yeah, it sure does.
Did I tell you that, after expenses,
your share will come to well over $5,000?
Over $5,000?
Over $5,000.
- Bet ten cents.
- Salud.
Well, what do ya got?
What do ya got?
Pair of nines and fives.
One pair. You win.
You figure, a hose
and a bucket'll do it, huh?
Well, I can't say for sure till it's tried.
Yeah.
What kind of work
you gonna do underwater?
We're gonna haul up
a quarter of a million dollars in gold bars
off the bottom of the Platte River.
Salud.
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
O.W. Bandy loves whiskey and gin
- Everything on?
- Yep.
You know, O.W., once your head clears up
and you get some
of that cottonwood smell in your lungs,
you'll feel great.
Sam, stop this wagon.
Sorry, O.W. I can't do it.
Sam, I'm tellin' ya to...
We got a lot of work ahead,
and not much time to do it in.
Your share of the money's in your boot.
Just like I told you, we're partners.
Ain't we?
What the hell are you doin'?
Let go of that wheel.
I wanna talk to you, Sam.
- Can't it wait?
- No, it can't.
What's the matter with you? You damn
near caused the wagon to turn over.
It's my wagon, ain't it?
Look, we're partners, ain't we?
Sam, I'm a man
who hates to lose his temper.
I suppose what you're trying to tell me
is that you could knock me on my can
if you wanted to.
I figure!
I suppose you think what happened
last night was a dirty trick on a friend.
I sure do!
All right, then. Hit me.
I don't wanna hit you.
No, go on. Hit me.
Wouldn't be half enough
for what I did to you.
Go on. Hit me.
I'll tell you what... You hit me.
Tryin' to trick you into a deal
where you make a lot of money
so you can become a rich man.
Become a famous inventor.
A man oughta be stoned for that.
Hit me again.
Now, I deserve it.
It don't make sense...
Letting a man get away
with a thing like that.
Ain't no punishment bad enough
for a man who'd
pull a dirty trick like that on a friend.
Well, O.W.?
Let's go.
Jed?
Thanks?
Any time, Sam.
Git up. Come on.
Go ahead and pump.
How's it feel?
Not as good as a new Stetson hat.
Evenin'.
Well, howdy, neighbor.
Did you ever see a man
run with his throat cut?
Not lately.
Nothing in here looks like a map.
- Where is it?
- I don't know what you're talkin' about.
The map. Where is it?
Look, you out my throat,
and I won't know what the hell
you're talkin' about!
Where is it?
I can't think with that knife in my throat!
Is that better?
Sam.
Yeah?
I think I know
what they might be looking for!
All right, then you tell me
what the hell they're lookin' for!
That chart you got
under the books in the wagon!
There's nothin' in here.
Hey, Jack.
I think your friend is
playing games with us.
Why don't you just stick
your shotgun in his snoot
and let's see how far he splatters.
Maybe it'll help his friend
remember about the map.
Where in damnation were you?
Who? Me?
I was right here.
Page 83.
The river's just up ahead!
There it is, gentlemen!
The last remains
of the steamboat Bonnie Blue.
And you want me to swim out there
with a bucket on my head,
go down in 15 feet of water,
and fish around for some old box?
I don't see anything unreasonable
about that. You, O.W.?
Not offhand.
- Then you do it.
- I can't swim.
Say, friend!
Would you mind rowing to shore
a minute? I'd like to talk to ya!
O.W., think we oughta
spend some of our money and,
buy Jed here a boat
so he don't have to do any swimmin'?
Well, if you're gonna work in the water,
a boat's a pretty handy item
to have around.
I'd say it's a good investment.
Couldn't agree more.
- Howdy, friend.
- Howdy.
How'd you like to sell that boat?
How much you gimme for it?
$10 for the boat,
2 for the fish, and 2 for the jug.
Don't see why you want a boat for.
You can't take that wagon across on it.
Well, don't you worry none
about that, friend.
We're just good-natured rich folk.
Wanna do a little fishin' and drinkin'.
Cousin Leroy made this.
Have a bite out of it.
Thanks.
I'll tell you what,
I'll give ya 15 for the boat,
and you keep the whiskey.
Five...
Ten...
Fifteen.
Mary McCarty had one simple failing
She liked to love men
three or four at a time
Mary McCarty jumped over the table
She liked to be chased
in the days of her prime
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
Good-natured rich folk
who just wanna do
a little fishin' and drinkin'?
That's what he said.
'Course, I ain't never seen fishin'
done like that before.
I wonderjust how rich they are.
All right.
Follow the smokestack down
till you get to the main deck.
Then you look in the first cabin
on the right-hand side.
If you get in trouble, yank on this.
You all right, Jed?
Yep.
Nice river to get drowned in.
Not too muddy.
Down you go!
I've seen enough.
Let's go.
Jed?
Yeah.
I wonder if we shouldn't have
a larger bellows.
Or perhaps more sense.
What's the matter, don't you wanna be
a rich man? Never have to work again?
I like work. Enjoy it.
All right, three or four
pretty girls buzzin'.
A homely girl'll treat you better.
You know, Jed, you're right.
I remember Plato quoting Socrates
as saying about the same thing.
Takin' a chance with your life
for more money than you need
is just plain foolishness.
Is that a fact?
Don't tell me you never heard
of the pure and clean greed for gold.
That's what makes the world go round.
I've heard it said.
Now, what the hell's that
supposed to mean?
D'you know that two parts permanganate,
three parts of sulfur,
and one part of lard will...
...kill hookworms?
If that stuff isn't worth riskin'
your neck for, why don't you wait around
till you get to heaven
for your reward, and I'll keep your share.
No. I'll save it,
have a family of my own,
and buy my own bathtub.
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
She's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Listen, Big Annie, this man here,
he's got some business
you just might be interested in.
Business?
How d'you do, ma'am?
I'd like the help
of some of your boys for shares.
- Shares? Shares of what?
- Listen, Big Annie.
He says there was gold on the Bonnie
Blue when she sank in the channel.
- Gold.
- Yeah.
You'll get 10% for your share in helping.
Listen, honey, I don't do nothin' for 10%.
But I'd be glad to have my boys go along
with a nice, fat man like you 50/50 split.
Put your hands up!
Put 'em up!
The next one's liable to kill ya!
Now, put 'em up!
I've found it!
Get outta the way!
Get him, Tom. Go on, get him!
What would Plato, Socrates,
and them people have to say about this?
I wish I knew.
Maybe they've never been
in quite this situation.
That's it. The last one.
Well, boys, I'd say we had ourselves a day.
Let's go in and have some supper.
That feller that drowned,
he said my whiskey were no good, huh?
Well, he was just a poor judge
of the finer things in life.
You know what Fat Man and me
is gonna do to you after dinner?
We gonna slice you up a little.
Both of ya.
And you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna cut your buttons off,
and just watch you hop around and holler.
That's what we gonna do.
You know somethin', O.W.?
I don't think he likes us.
Haul! Haul!
Put your backs into it.
That's more like it. Haul!
I had that guy...
To hear you talk, Stanley,
you'd think you'd done all the fightin'!
I had a hold of him, didn't I?
You got more pollywog blood in you
than fightin' blood! I'll tell you that!
- All he did was ride.
- I got a crick in my neck.
Ready?
Ready.
"Presented to O.W. Bandy
"by his loving parents, Jonah and Ruth.
"Have mercy upon us, Oh, Lord.
"Consider my trouble which I suffer
at the hands of them who hate me."
13th verse, 9th Psalm.
"Have mercy upon us, oh, Lord.
"Thou that lifteth me up
from the gates of death."
Gentlemen, they're all yours.
Say, you know, I think maybe
Sam didn't drown after all.
Either that, or that's the liveliest pair
of underwear I have ever seen.
Sure is lovely stuff.
Sure is.
O.W.! Let's get goin'!
Well, that way is Denver.
And that way is Mexico.
Mr. Whiskey!
Hi.
Hiya.
Hello.
Mr. Whiskey, hi!
Tell me something. You had much trouble
finding us here in the middle of nowhere?
Calculations. A lady has ways
of making calculations.
You like my perfume?
Well, I don't pay much attention to
that kind of stuff during business hours.
Of course you don't.
Now, would a blueprint of the mint be
something you would pay attention to?
I might.
And if I showed you some photographs?
That'd be nice.
Now, this is the mint building
from the outside.
And these are the architectural plans.
Uncle Morgan buys them
from the Treasury Department.
You know, that gold must weigh
damn near a thousand pounds.
How do you think I'm gonna get it
through the front door,
carry it in my back pocket?
This is the floor plan of the vault room.
I'll tell ya somethin' else,
you know we damn near
got killed twice since we left Pawnee?
I'll bet that was Fat Henry Hobson.
Somehow, he found out about that gold
and has been trying to get
his hands on it ever since.
What do you mean? Why the hell didn't
you tell me about Fat Henry Hobson?
I wasn't sure he was still at it.
And, besides, I knew you could
take care of anything that happened.
Wonderful.
How'd you know that?
Well, because I do.
Just like I know you can take care of those
extra guards they've assigned to the mint.
- What extra guards?
- Well, they always do that just...
What the hell you talkin' about,
extra guards?
Before they have minting,
they put on extra guards,
and I just found out about it.
Look, lady, maybe you think
I don't mind going to prison for 20 years,
but what about my friends
back there, O.W. and Jed?
Honey, I know you can manage.
All you have to do is put your mind...
All I have to do is get
the hell outta this buggy,
give you back your money, and quit.
Bushwhackers, extra guards,
what the hell you gonna do...
If you just let me show you the plans.
I've got the blueprints.
Sam, I know you can figure out
a way. You promised.
I did?
Well, if I only knew exactly how many
guards there were on each floor.
I could find out.
Good.
Only that doesn't solve getting in.
Getting in. That's the problem.
I know.
Takes careful planning.
It does.
One little mistake, and we'll
regret it the rest of our lives.
You're right.
I can't afford to take
any unnecessary chances.
I agree.
Well, I'll figure out a way somehow.
I know you will.
I'll raise ya two gold bars.
What's that?
Poulet Chateau.
I should've had some white wine.
If you ever go to jail, lady, I bet
the warden's gonna ask you to marry him.
And make you the chief cook
of the whole establishment.
Cards?
I'll take one.
Sam, you mind if I ask you
a personal question?
Did you cheat just then?
Sam, it's not my gold.
It belongs to the U.S. men in Denver.
Now, why do you cheat?
Well, I may never get a chance again
to cheat for a pot that size.
Gentlemen...
Dinner is served.
We shouldn't have much trouble.
All we have to do is fight
half the United States Army, then...
...fly in a window like a bird.
With a quarter million dollars
worth of gold on your tail.
Nothin' to it.
Yeah.
I'll go on to the hotel. You see
if you can find a blacksmith's shop.
Git up.
That looks like it'll do.
Well, let's see if he's interested in money.
Git up.
- Howdy, friend.
- Howdy.
Nice lookin' place you got here.
Thank you.
I was just wondering,
you do your business cash or credit?
Cash.
Like this?
That'll do.
What kind of forge you got?
Smithfield.
You fellas want your horses shod?
No, thanks.
My friend here is a smith himself.
Wants to bend a little iron.
Take him about a week.
In my shop? I don't let nobody
mess around in my shop.
You ever think about takin'
a vacation for a week? Goin' fishin'?
You mean, and you do
the smithin' yourself?
That's the idea.
Well, I don't know.
I just don't like
strangers usin' my tools.
And... Mister...
- You made yourself a deal!
- Fine!
Now, you rest up. Do a little fishin'.
We'll see you back here next Friday.
You rest up and do some fishin'.
Me, I'm gonna spend a whole week
down at Fanny Barton's place.
How big is that bust of Washington?
Life-size.
What about this empty building next door
to the mint, how far away is it?
Honey, if you're thinking about a tunnel,
there's no time.
Why not?
Well, I just found out the mint inspector's
coming in on the train tonight.
Tonight?
He starts checking day after tomorrow.
- You know what I like about you?
- My $20,000.
No.
These little surprises.
Just how in the hell am I supposed
to get the real gold into the mint
and the phony gold out of the mint
in 48 hours?
Darling, I have supreme confidence in you.
That's wonderful.
What time is the train due?
Oh, not until 11:15.
He's a new man.
Never been to Denver before.
His name is Thorston Bromley.
Do you know what he looks like?
Well, he's about your size.
Maybe a little smaller.
He wears glasses.
Wait, honey, I wanna talk to you!
I have to tell you something!
Wait! I wanna talk to you!
No!
- I wanna talk to you!
- Leave me alone!
- Leave me!
- Hold it.
- Get out of the way!
- Please help me.
Unhand her, sir. Leave the lady alone!
Will you stop it!
Thank you so much for helping me.
The Garden Hotel, please.
Yes, ma'am.
So far so good.
Say, Sam, what was it
I'm supposed to say again?
Aha! I caught you trifling with my wife.
Aha. I caught you trifling with my wife.
Aha! I caught you trifling with my wife!
I caught you trifling with my...
Thank you so much, Mr. Bromley.
Isn't that what you said your name was?
That's right.
Well, I'm quite sure you're safe now.
Couldn't you stay with me
just a little longer?
Only until my nerves settle down.
Can I get you something?
I have a business appointment.
What kind of business appointment?
I'll bet you're a traveling salesman
or something exciting like that.
No, Madame. As a matter of fact,
I work for the United States government.
The government! Isn't that marvelous?
It must be fascinating work,
traveling around
from one big city to another.
Don't you ever get lonely?
No. I play checkers a lot.
I make friends quickly that way.
Would you like
just a little bit more brandy?
No, thank you.
Maybe... Maybe you'd like
to lie down and rest for a while.
No. I do have an appointment.
I must get to my hotel and check in.
- You can stay here!
- Here?
In your room?
I'd feel so much safer.
And then, after you've rested for a while,
and freshened up, if you like,
we could play checkers!
Or something.
Well...
I...
No... Really, I shouldn't.
Who could that be?
I caught you foolin' around...
- Me?
- Trifling around with my wife!
Don't move or I'll...
I guess I didn't do it so slick, huh?
But effective.
There. That does it.
Now, don't breathe too deeply.
You'll pop your collar button.
Don't worry, Mr. Bromley.
We won't break them.
Damn tie.
Don't know why a treasury man
has to wear a tie.
What men won't do for money
and other considerations.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Now, now, now.
Everything's going to be all right.
Here you are.
Thorston Bromley. Bureau of the Mints.
- We've been expecting you, Mr. Bromley.
- Thank you, sir.
Briefcase.
Regulation 18-C.
And a very good regulation it is, sir.
Mr. Perkins.
Mr. Bromley, this is
the mint superintendent Mr. Perkins.
- Glad to know you, Perkins.
- Bromley.
- It is Thorston Bromley?
- Yes.
Were you with
the department in Philadelphia?
No.
Very nice building, Perkins.
- Very nice building.
- Thank you.
Shall we get started?
Yes. Yes. We'll take the elevator.
Bromley, you know, I could've sworn
there was a Thorston Bromley...
I have to get finished here, Perkins,
and get on to our mint in Carson City.
Yes. Of course.
We'll start with the second floor.
By the way, I don't suppose you were
ever in Washington three years...
I haven't been to Washington in five years.
Tell me, how often do you
get this elevator serviced?
Every month.
The rails need greasing.
Well...
To the right.
We'll start with the vault
in the security room.
That'll be fine.
That's the exit to the roof.
Open up, corporal.
May I see your weapon, please?
Thank you.
- How many shifts on your post, corporal?
- Only one, sir.
- What time do you start?
-8:00.
- What time do you finish?
- At 6:00, when the mint closes, sir.
Very good. Sorry.
Your hammer spring needs tightening.
Take that gun to ordnance
first thing in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Bromley?
Yeah.
We're all ready to start minting that gold.
That is, as soon as you've
finished your inspection, of course.
That'll be fine.
Besides the smelting room,
the weights and measures
and the engraving room
are also down in the basement.
Very good.
Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin
Did you say something?
No. Just singing.
Here we are, Mr. Bromley.
Of course, right now,
everything is at a standstill,
waiting for your go-ahead.
Yes, I understand.
These guards, you have
the personal histories on all of them?
Of course, Mr. Bromley.
That's standard procedure.
I've been with the Bureau
of the Mint for 17 years, and...
Just checking, Perkins. I'm just checking.
It's one of the pitfalls of my job.
You start mistrusting people.
- Yes, I...
- On the other hand...
That was my fault, Perkins.
I don't know how that happened.
Boys, would you give us a hand here?
I insist.
I'm sure it was my fault.
I insist. I tripped,
and I'm gonna have it fixed.
- Really, Mr. Bromley, there's no need...
- Perkins, he's the Father of our Country.
We can't leave him with a broken nose.
Can we?
Of course not.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Right in here.
Easy does it.
- Melting pot about ready?
- Just about.
Make sure you get
that nose on straight, O.W.
For the Father of our Country,
I'll do my best.
- Well?
- They're meltin' the gold!
Meltin' the gold? What for?
All I know is I saw them melting it.
As soon as the mold hardens, we'll take
old George out and pour new George in.
Mr. Bromley?
Look what I brought you.
O.W., you're an artist.
His only mistake
was not being born in Paris, France.
Gentlemen, it's nice...
...to be appreciated.
We'll wait until morning.
Let them finish whatever they're doing.
Then we'll decide how to handle it.
No...
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary...
Say, that is pretty, ain't it?
Git up.
Easy as picking cherries.
Go get us our wagon.
Hey, a little help here, please!
Give us a hand, will ya?
Easy does it, gentlemen.
Easy does it.
Very carefully, please.
All right.
This way.
Nice job, men.
Thank you.
- Hello, Mr. Bromley.
- Hello, Perkins.
I brought your statue back
as good as new, I hope.
I'm sure it is. I appreciate your trouble.
- No trouble at all.
- Well!
Here we are.
Let's... Let's get
to those coin reports, shall we?
Yes, of course.
We should have everything
cleared up by tonight.
You're really getting to know
your way around here, Mr. Bromley.
Say, it's a shame the way the plumbing
goes to pot in these government buildings.
Yup.
Hi, neighbor. It's all right,
go right ahead.
Well, there they are, Mr. Bromley.
Waiting for you.
Now, if I can be of any assistance,
I'll be glad to stay around.
Or if you'd prefer to be by yourself,
whichever you wish.
Why don't you stay around a little while
until I have a better look at these ledgers.
Perkins?
I've got about four more hours
of work to do here.
Well, I wonder if you'll be wanting me
to stay any longer, Mr. Bromley.
I must say, if all the mints
were run the way you run this one,
the bureau would be in excellent shape.
Thank you.
There's no need for you to stay.
Very good.
- Good night, Mr. Bromley.
- Good night, Perkins.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
- Oh, Corporal?
- Sir?
What's going on in the lavatory?
I don't know, sir, but the workmen
seem to be taking care of it.
- Where are they?
- Must've gone home, sir.
Well...
Here's the key imprint
and the other things you asked for.
Get the duplicate made.
I'll meet you on the rotunda.
- Hank.
- Pete, how goes it?
Fine. Do me a favor,
next time you pass Henderson...
Henderson's not on duty tonight.
He traded with McGuffey.
Have McGuffey bring me some coffee.
All right.
- Sugar?
- Yeah.
- Pete?
- Yeah?
McGuffey said to get your own coffee.
- He did, did he?
- Yeah.
What about the $4.00 I loaned him?
He didn't mention it to me.
Did you hear something?
It's the plumbing. They're workin' on it.
Tie it off.
Hank, I'll get you a cup on my next round.
Thank you.
You're relieved, Pete.
Yeah.
Thanks, Johnny.
What's wrong?
Oh, nothing. I'm just not sleepy.
That's good. Now go back to sleep.
Hey, Pete...
- Here's your coffee.
- O.W.!
There wasn't any more sugar.
Must be McGuffey. He uses
more sugar than any man I know.
By the way, did you pass Joe
while you were on your round?
No. Why?
I wondered if he was using
the freight elevator.
- That's against the rules.
- I know.
- Well, Pete, enjoy your coffee.
- Thanks.
Here's your key, Sam.
See you later.
Seven...
Nineteen...
Twenty-th...
No, that's not right. I'll start over.
Seven...
Back to nineteen...
Seven...
Twenty-fou r...
Joe?
- Did you use the elevator a while ago?
- No, why?
Nothing.
Seven...
- O.W.
- Yeah?
I'm terribly sorry.
What's wrong? Can't you lie still?
It's the plumbing.
Now, who ordered the plumbing fixed?
- Whose plumbing?
- My plumbing.
What do you mean? There's
nothing wrong with your plumbing.
That's it! There is nothing wrong
with my plumbing.
That's what's wrong!
Sorry.
That wasn't plumbing.
Maybe the boiler room.
No, it sounded more
like the smelting room.
Nothing down there,
but Mac left the fire going in the forge.
- Didn't you put it out?
- I didn't know if I should.
I'll do it.
Honesty is the best policy.
Stolen money burns a hole in your pocket.
Yeah.
Outta the way!
Hank, take a look at this.
I found it in the smelting room.
All of the men
in the smelting room wear caps.
You know those plumbers who were
here this afternoon, did anybody ever...
Where the hell is George Washington?
We're being robbed!
Hank, you cover the basement!
Pete, you come with me!
Joe, sound the alarm!
Come on, boy.
- Halt!
- Jump!
Corporal of the Guard!
Mr. Perkins, this man claims
he's the treasury inspector.
Yes, that's right.
My name is Bromley, I came...
Bromley? Did... Did you say Bromley?
This is the damndest gold I ever seen.
Mary McCarty
has gone up to heaven
She's mourned by her friends
at her untimely fate
She perished one night
in the arms of a lover
And passed from this world
She was just 88
Whiskey and gin
Whiskey and gin
Mary McCarty
Loved whiskey and gin
What's the name of the next town we hit?
Ludlow, Kansas.
We're due there at 6:00 p.m., sir.
- Tell you what...
- Thank you.
- Why don't you put...
- Yes, ma'am.
Three more hours to go.
I don't know if I'll make it till then.
Sam, you can try.
Can't you?