Santa Fake (2019) Movie Script

-[soft music]
-[birds chirping]
[baby babbles]
Hi, Patrick.
[sighs] Here you go.
There you go.
You're going to do great things.
You're going to do great things.
Ha. Yes, you are.
[Santa] Ho, ho, ho.
This is the one.
Yes, you are.
[festive music]
[suspenseful music]
[Joe] Tell me now, Patrick.
How long have you been here?
So I came over here
about a year ago.
I worked on one of those
posh cruise liners.
We did the Transatlantic for
about two and a half years
between here and England.
Um, I worked in the kitchen,
but to be honest,
I kind of got tired
of the sailing life.
So I got off and lost
in The Big Apple.
-I got a job at
a Mexican restaurant,
bar backed at
a couple of nightclubs,
paid under the table.
It was quite nice.
So, you have no papers then?
Uh, no, uh, I don't, no.
-Where are you from?
-From Derry.
Oh, family?
I don't have a family, no.
I was raised in an orphanage.
Left when I was 18.
Fred, where's my juice?!
[woman] I got it, Fred.
[woman] Here you are.
I'll be honest
with you now, Pat.
I've not heard a sadder story
than that in many a year.
Well... we look after
our own, hmm?
I could use someone
to wash the glasses
and maybe tidy up around here.
Could you handle that?
Absolutely, sir.
I'd really appreciate
that, Mr. O'Brian.
[chuckles] You can call me Joe.
-Thank you, Joe.
-[Joe chuckling]
Can you start now?
-Yes, right away, yeah.
-It's a pleasure.
-Get started, get started.
Absolutely, thank you so much.
Fred, come and show
young Patrick here the ropes.
[Irish themed jolly music]
[guests laughing]
you will do exactly
what I tell you to
or you will have a problem.
Now I do not have problems,
do you understand?
I have solutions.
Now get out of here
and do what I tell you!
-You all right?
-Yeah, thanks.
-Keep the change.
And I have to tell you, boys,
we had a very good month.
Another month or two like this,
and we're going to treat
ourselves to a little raise.
-Where are you going now?
-Well, I was thinking
maybe we'd take care
of that little situation
over in Brooklyn first.
Well, off you go, boys.
-Enjoy your work.
-Thank you, boss.
-[light music]
Does that remind you
of your family, Pat?
You know, I've never
met my family.
We didn't have Christmas
in the orphanage.
It was a poor parish.
[woman] I didn't know.
-That's rough.
Kind of miss home, you know?
Of course you do.
Of course you do.
Oh, Danny boy, the pipes
The pipes are calling
From glen to glen
And down the mountain side
The summer's gone
And all the roses falling
'Tis you, 'tis you must go
And I must bide
But come ye back
When summer's
In the meadow
Or when the valley's
Hushed and white With snow
'Tis I'll be here
in sunshine or in shadow
And I will sleep in peace
Until you come
To me
[everyone applauding]
Thank you.
Patrick, could I have
a little word with you?
Yeah, sure.
Be right there.
Right, right, right, right.
Pat, will you do a favor for me?
Yeah, whatever you need, Joe.
You've been like a father figure
these past few months, Joe.
Saint Joe,
Patron Saint of Fathers.
-Oh. [laughs]
-That's you, Joe.
I wouldn't go that far,
I'm no Saint.
No, seriously, Joe, I don't
know where I would be
these past few months
without your work.
So, thank you.
Okay, good.
[light dramatic music]
I want you to take these
suitcases a couple of blocks up
the road to the train station
and give them to Shaun.
But no opening the suitcases,
no peeping inside,
you understand?
Can you do that for me?
[laughs] As soon as
you've done that,
I'm going to
give you 10,000 clams.
That's, uh, that's a lot of
money for a few blocks, Joe.
It is, it is indeed.
Let me explain,
let me explain to you.
Do you know what the hardest
thing in business is, son?
The hardest thing
in business, Pat,
is to find people that you
can trust and I trust you.
I trust you.
Now, trust is
a valuable commodity,
a commodity that
I am prepared to pay for.
Well, uh, when do you
want me to leave?
Now, tonight, this very moment.
Shaun's waiting for you.
But what about, where's Fred?
Who's going to close the bar?
I'll close the bar.
Where is Fred?
Don't you worry
yourself about Fred.
Fred was untrustworthy.
So, Fred, I had to let him go.
Come on, quick, quick, quick.
Ah, very good, very good.
Oh, and now, a couple of
things, couple of things.
First of all, you do not dote,
you do not stop
and talk to anyone.
And in the incredibly
remote chance
that something goes wrong,
you take those bags
and you run like hell
to the station, you understand?
You run like hell.
Off you go, quick.
Sooner there,
sooner back, sooner paid.
Oh, and put your jacket on.
It's cold outside.
[sirens wailing]
[dogs barking]
It's just a few blocks.
No big deal, right?
It's just a few blocks.
-Let's go, Pat.
It's just a few blocks.
-[Joe laughing]
And don't worry if
the cops grab him,
he's so pathetically grateful
to me for looking after him,
that he'll go to
prison for 20 years
-without opening his mouth.
-[muffled talking]
There's a perfectly
reasonable explanation
as to why I shouldn't
look inside.
It's obviously
something important,
like insurance policies or...
a secret recipe for craft beer.
[dramatic music]
Deed to the pub.
-[suspenseful music]
-[Joe laughing]
-Yeah, and the lovely
thing is this,
if we do have to off him,
guess what?
He has no relatives.
So nobody is going to
come and look for him.
And here's
the icing on the cake.
He's also illegal.
There is no paper
trail to suggest
he ever came into the country.
-When you think about it,
-[guy] Hey, watch it!
The boy is practically
a ghost already.
What's the next bus
leaving right now?
[change rattling]
Bus 46 is pulling out,
heading out west.
[Patrick] Yeah, that's fine.
Ticket, please.
[dramatic music]
[Irish themed upbeat music]
[bus driver] Last stop,
Santa Fe, everybody off.
Please check around
your own seats.
Don't leave any
belongings behind.
[upbeat music]
[crowd whistling]
[man hollering]
[muffled talking]
[door creaking]
[Spanish themed
acoustic guitar music]
[fire crackling]
Welcome to Ortegas.
I'm Mrs. Ortega.
Need a room?
Yeah, well, um,
that depends, Mrs. Ortega.
How much?
Well, I'm having
a special for 49.99
and that is breakfast included.
I'll show you, follow me.
You like?
Uh, yes.
Uh, very much.
Can I have it for one night?
[sighs] Only one night?
Of course, why not.
Yeah, my name is Pat by the way.
Pat Keeley.
Oh, please join me
for lunch, Seor Keeley.
I made too much.
I'm used to cooking for two.
-So please?
-You look hungry.
-I'm starving,
-I just.
Thanks very much, Mrs. O.
-It's very kind of you.
I hate to eat alone.
Ever since my husband died,
if I don't have company
to eat with, I just don't eat.
You saved me from self-imposed
starvation, you see?
-[Mexican themed upbeat music]
The chili.
Oh, I should have known.
Oh, the chili.
Oh, ah.
-What is that?
Margarita, don't you like it?
-I wasn't expecting that.
-Well, okay.
Have some sopapilla with honey
and that will cut the heat.
Thanks, Mrs. O.
Now see, that's better.
Are you here on holidays?
No. Yes... maybe?
Well, I think I, I think I'm
going to go lie down for a nap.
It's been a long, long journey.
I'm pretty sure the woman
just tried to poison me.
[gentle acoustic guitar music]
-[dogs howling]
-[owls hooting]
[owl hooting]
-[dog barking]
-[coins clanking]
[phone beeping]
-[phone ringing]
-[Joe] Yes?
[dramatic music]
Where the hell are you?
Where the devil are you?!
Ah, Joe, so, um, I started
doing what you asked
in delivering
the cases, but, um,
but these guys started
following me, Joe,
and then the police were
coming straight at me.
So, I had to take
a quick detour.
Do you still have the
suitcases with you?!
I do, I, I, I have the cases.
Um, and I haven't looked
in them like you said.
No, you listen to me,
get those suitcases back here.
I will bury you
with my own bare hands!
Where the hell are ya?!
Joe, I'm in New-- I'm going to
have to call you back, Joe.
[light dramatic music]
[light suspenseful music]
[clears throat]
Fred is no longer with us.
Fred was untrustworthy.
please don't let that
be Freddie in there.
[suspenseful music]
-[uplifting music]
-That's not Fred!
That's not Fred!
Oh, sweet Lord on high.
Thank you for
making the contents
of these here cases not Fred.
[Irish themed upbeat music]
One million.
And two dollars.
Two dollars.
[laughs] Oh, my.
Mrs. Ortega, Mrs. Ortega.
Make me some mashed
potatoes and steak, yeah?
And some of those little
pastry pillows with the honey?
But we don't have no steak.
We only have lamb chops.
-Lamb chops for two.
Won't you join me,
Seora Ortega?
-It's on me.
-And now, missus,
let's forget
about the tequila, yeah?
-Your finest bottle
of champagne.
-Actually, make it two, Seora.
-And then, Seora.
-Uh huh?
I think I'm going to be
staying here for a while.
-I like it here very much.
-I like that, too.
-Very much indeed.
Hmm, a little nap did a whole
wide world of good,
Seor Keeley.
Mrs., I'll tell you what,
just goes to show you,
when the world seems at an end,
shut your eyes, open them again.
-[snaps fingers]
-And everything seems anew.
-Oh, and, uh.
-Uh huh?
Hold the green
chilies, will you?
-Please, madam?
-This is excellent.
-Yes, you like it?
Yes, I do, I like it.
["I Wish You A Merry Christmas"]
[muffled talking]
-With nobody to cook with.
[muffled talking]
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
[Mrs. Ortega]
And Happy New Year.
Right, gentlemen.
I know where last
month's drop is.
Santa Fe, New Mexico.
We're going to Mexico?
No, New Mexico. That's a state.
Mexico's a country,
two different places.
-Yeah, boss?
-Go there.
Bring back the money,
but leave the kid there.
Leave him there?
What do you mean, boss?
He could squeal.
When I say leave him there,
I mean get rid of him.
How do you want us
to do this, boss?
You know I really do not care.
Humanely. No, no, no,
strike that, strike that.
He's giving me personal grief.
So, as inhumanely as
ticks your fancy,
but just make
sure that it is done right.
Now these are your
plane tickets to Albuquerque.
You take the train from
Albuquerque to Santa Fe.
-[light music]
-[birds chirping]
Good Lord.
Well, 10,000 dollars,
technically is mine.
I mean, I'm going to get it
back to Joe at some point.
Consider it an advance.
-[soft music]
-Morning, Mrs. O.
Uh, Seora, tell me this.
Where would a young man on
the town get some nice threads?
-Oh, clothe.
At the mall.
That's the best place.
Many shops.
I can drive you.
Well, that'd be great, yeah.
Thanks very much, Seora.
-[upbeat music]
-[muffled talking]
[Irish themed upbeat music]
I like it.
That'll do.
[phone beeping]
I'll just clear up
this entire thing with Joe.
Get the money back to him.
He'll understand.
[phone ringing]
Oh, it's you, is it?
No, you shut up
and listen to me.
You thick Mick,
do you seriously think
you can steal from me, eh?
Nobody does that, nobody!
Now it may please you to know
that two associates of mine
left last night
to track you down.
You see, I happen to know
where exactly you are.
Don't ask me how.
You are in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
So believe me, it's not going
to be the police that gets here
or the immigration
authorities, it will be me.
And don't even think
about going to the police
because I have tentacles
that can reach into any
jail cell anywhere in the world.
So, I just wanted to say this
to you, Merry Christmas,
and do enjoy the last
few hours of your life!
[phone line cuts off]
[dramatic music]
-I'm so sorry, Miss.
Let me help you.
-Help, you want to help me?
Help me find a Santa Claus.
We just lost ours and look
at that line of kids.
Flaky actors, I hired
that guy six months ago,
and he just doesn't
even show? [sighs]
-He's coming.
-Where's Santa?
[sighs] It's like--
wait a minute.
You'd do just fine.
Oh, no, no, no, miss,
I've got to go--
-No, no, no.
You're perfect.
-No, I can't.
Everything okay here, Emily?
I was just explaining to our
new Santa Claus here where
he can change into a suit.
-Right, Santa?
-That's right, officer.
Okay, come on.
What am I doing?
[suspenseful music]
Wait, this is brilliant.
I can hide in plain sight.
[phone buzzing]
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, Agent Martinez
is right here with me.
Yes, we were briefed
this afternoon.
We know who we're looking for.
We can be in
Santa Fe in one hour.
We're on our way now.
Okay, just put this.
[Emily] Ooh.
[groans] Make it kind of--
yeah, that's good.
-Wiretap confirmation.
We have two of
O'Brian's gang members
making their way up
to Santa Fe now.
O'Brian with 'em?
Nope, for now, it's just
Jim Kelly and Sebastian Shew.
-We also do have video
surveillance footage of
a white male, six feet tall,
dark hair,
leaving out of O'Brian's
carrying two black briefcases.
You're not a psycho
or anything, are you?
You don't look like a psycho.
I'm Emily, by the way.
Yes, I gathered
that you are Emily.
-I'm Pat, Pat Keeley.
-[children cheering]
And, uh, no, I'm not a psycho.
Yeah. I kind of
figured you weren't.
-Pleased to meet you, Pat.
-Nice to meet you.
Ah, you look perfect.
We'll take care of your
paperwork later today.
That way, if you work out,
we can get you paid.
[children talking
over each other]
All right.
Whatever you do, don't show
fear, or they'll tear you apart.
Nice accent, by the way.
It's a charming touch.
[light music]
Blood-thirsty maniac
little children
or be killed by what's probably
a gangster and his thugs,
skinned alive by the sharks.
-[Emily] Here we go.
[Patrick] And what would you
like for Christmas, little girl?
-[woman] Smile.
[camera clicking]
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky]
This is going
really well, Emily.
[Emily] Next, okay.
[Patrick] Thanks.
[Emily] Thank you so much.
All right. Tell Santa what
you want for Christmas?
Have a good think, now,
think long and hard.
And I want an airplane.
One that flies,
and a speedboat, and a yacht.
A yacht isn't the same thing
as a speedboat, you know.
[speaking gibberish]
[Patrick] Really, nice!
[speaking gibberish]
And a candy factory
and an elephant.
A real elephant,
not one of those stuffed toys.
A real live elephant.
[speaking gibberish]
Then it don't work,
it don't work.
Merry Christmas, little buddy.
What do you want from
Santa this year?
He can have fire.
-He has fire?
That's an interesting
choice of present.
Uh, [clears throat],
I can't make any promises.
I don't really know.
You don't know?
Hey, are you listening to me?
Santa, I think you should
be writing this down.
My dad's a lawyer, you know?
If I don't get what I want,
he's going to sue
the pants off you, fat man.
-Merry Christmas!
[camera clicking]
-[child crying]
What do you want for Christmas?
[child crying]
Up on the housetop
Reindeer paws
Out jumps good
Old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney
With lots of toys
All for the little
Girls and boys
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go
Up on the housetop
Click, click, click
Down through the chimney
With old Saint Nick
[Patrick] Well, done,
Merry Christmas.
Look in the stocking
Little Bill
All you see
What a glorious fill
Here is a hammer
And lots of tacks
A whistle and a ball
And a whip that cracks
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go
Up on the housetop
Click, click, click
Down through the chimney
With old Saint Nick
-Go, Santa!
Well done! Give me a hug.
Merry Christmas, son.
-Merry Christmas, Santa.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
You were surprisingly
great, like,
way better than that
other actor I hired.
Are you up for it
again tomorrow?
And, for say,
the next couple of weeks
up until Christmas Eve?
Will we see you tomorrow?
Please, please, please.
-Sure, why not.
-Oh, thank you.
-Let me get your paperwork
to fill out, okay?
-Uh, actually, Emily.
Is it, is it, um, is it
okay if I take it home?
Sorry, I'm just really tired,
It's been a long day.
Sure, no problem.
Just make sure you bring it
back with you tomorrow, okay?
-I will.
-I can't get you paid
without it, don't forget.
-I won't.
-Thank you, Emily.
-Thank you for today.
-Thanks, Officer Ryan.
-[Emily sighs]
Wow, wow.
-He was so good.
-Surprised me.
[people talking over each other]
[door clanking]
It's okay, Mrs. O. It's me, Pat.
Oh, you gave me a fright.
Sneaking up on me like that.
And what with the disguise?
Or are you just that taken
with the Christmas spirit?
I kind of got
a job today unexpectedly.
The mall manager asked me
to be their Santa Claus.
-I know, it's just,
they couldn't find one
and they were tight on time.
So, I ended up
being their Santa.
Yeah, I mean, I actually
worked pretty late
so I just walked home.
It's not that far, Seora.
Well, we can't be without
a Santa this close to Christmas.
-That is true.
-That will be a disaster.
My friend, Officer Ryan,
he works at the mall too,
you know, for the holidays,
for extra cash,
I need to bring him
some of my green chili.
It's his favorite.
Yes, fantastic stuff
that green chili.
[Mrs. Ortega chuckles]
I'll take him some
on Christmas Eve.
I know he's working that night.
Hmm, that will cheer him.
[chuckles nervously] I ran into
that good officer today.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, he's memorable, that one.
-You know, ma'am,
I have actually
a couple of things to do
in my room. So, I'll just
catch you later.
Would you like something to eat?
Uh, no thanks, ma'am.
It's okay, thank you, thanks.
Okay, well, I'm going
to retire myself.
-It's been a long day.
[light suspenseful music]
Well, hey, where is he?
He could be anywhere.
Yeah, not too many places
to hide in this town.
It's the size of
a postage stamp.
Well, that's--
yeah, if he's still even here.
Oh, he's here, the boss just
texted a little a while ago.
Said that kid called from
a 505 area code again,
that rat's here
somewhere I can feel it.
Well, I mean, let's go
to where the action is,
maybe he's trying to lose
himself in a crowd.
Well, there's some
lights down there,
that must be the center
of this village
or whatever they call it.
Maybe there's a restaurant,
I'm starving.
[Jim] Hold your horses,
we'll eat later.
-[Seb] I could eat a horse.
-You're sick.
[Seb] Well, I think
I ate one once.
[triumphant music]
[festive music]
[muffled talking]
[camera clicks]
All right, you're off to a Merry
Christmas, darling, yeah?
-Have a good one.
-Thank you.
-Bye, now.
-Bye now.
See you.
You need a little break?
Yeah, okay.
Santa will be back
in 15 minutes, kids.
-[kids groaning]
Come on, let's go get
you some hot chocolate.
I know Santa will be right back.
He just, he needs
a little break.
Oh, what fun it is
To ride in a one horse--
[Emily] Here you go,
here's your hot chocolate.
Thank you,
that's very kind of you.
You are really
very great with them.
I am so happy you
agreed to do this.
I mean, we were in a real pinch.
Emily, I'm actually loving this.
-I'm having a great time.
-I'm really glad.
-Oh, do you have
your employee
paperwork filled out?
Uh, no, I don't, no.
Oh, Pat, I need your tax form
completed so I can pay you.
No, [stuttering],
you don't need to pay me.
I'm happy to
volunteer, honestly.
-I really am.
-I can't let you do that.
I mean, I practically kidnapped
you against your will
to do this in the first place.
Emily, look at it as a friend
helping a friend, yeah?
Christmas gift. Me helping
the damsel in distress.
That is really,
very generous of you.
I mean, we're taking up
so much of your time.
Look, please, can I at
least take you to dinner?
Um, yeah.
Sure, why not?
Yeah, great. Uh, we can have
dinner tomorrow night.
It's Sunday and we close early.
Uh, meet me at the plaza,
let's say six o'clock?
-Sounds good.
[Emily] Hmm.
Should we go?
-Yes, yes, goin' now.
[Emily] Just go to the kids.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yup, see you out there.
-[light music]
-[muffled talking]
[Patrick] What am
I going to do now?
Can't go out with Emily
wearing the Santa suit.
What if someone recognizes me?
[soft music]
[Patrick] Mrs. Ortega, I'm back.
Oh, Mrs. Ortega.
I'm sorry, Seor Pat.
I normally don't do this.
But this time of the year...
I'm so lonely.
It reminds me. [crying]
[somber music]
Hush now, don't you cry
Over in Killarney
Many years ago
My mother sang
This song to me
In tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty
In her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world
If she could sing
That song to me this day
It's an Irish lullaby
[gentle music]
[light dramatic music]
[soft music]
Hola, my son.
What brings you in at this hour?
Saw in a movie once that, um,
devilish beings
can't go to church.
It's a sanctuary.
So I suppose I'm here
for that, a sanctuary.
Santa Fe in English
means holy faith.
So I think it's unlikely
you'll find any monsters
in such a holy city.
Tell me, are you a man
of faith, my son?
I was raised in
a church, Father.
But I haven't been
here in years.
It's okay.
You're here now.
Oh, [chuckles],
I'm Padre Esteban, by the way.
You seem troubled, Pat.
You want to talk about it?
I'm a good listener.
It's part of the job.
-[light music]
-Well... [sighs]
I've gotten myself into
a real pickle, Father.
That's my fault.
I did something
I knew it was wrong,
but I agreed to do it anyway.
And now I'm in trouble.
Real trouble.
Then why did you do it?
this man,
he was the closest thing
I've ever known to a father.
Actually cared about me,
for me, wanted the best for me.
I thought he was a good guy.
I just feel like a fool.
People will disappoint,
but you must remember, Pat.
Equally, people
will not disappoint.
In fact, they will surprise
you with their kindness
and the willingness to help you.
And you, you shouldn't
feel like a fool.
It sounds to me you did
this act, whatever it is,
out of love and that
never makes you a fool.
But I am a fool, Father.
All you have to do for help...
is ask.
After all, this is
the city of holy faith.
So have faith, Pat, hmm?
What about you, Father?
I mean, if you're
the one always doing
all the listening,
who listens to you?
[chuckles] No one's
ever asked me that.
-[sighs] Go on, Father.
Try me, go on,
who listens to you?
What's going on?
Here goes young Pat, hmm.
Our parishioners have not
been able to donate very much
at all this year
for the toy drive.
We try to put on a big
Christmas celebration
for the less fortunate
children in town.
[Patrick] Mm.
[sighs] Especially those
who do not have families,
but this year, hmm, I don't
know what we're going to do.
-You seem troubled, Father?
-I am.
They so look forward
to this all year.
For some of them, it's all
they have to look forward to.
And I confess... [chuckling] gives me joy to
do this for them.
My heart aches for them all,
but when I see the happiness
on their faces
then I know it helps.
So, what will you do?
Pray and I believe
God will provide.
After all, Father, it's a city
of holy faith now, isn't it?
-[light music]
Thank you, my son.
[Jim] Now that's
what I call a church.
Look at that. [chuckles]
-Come on, let's go in.
-Hey, wait, wait, wait.
-Let's go get a churro.
-What's a churro?
I don't know, but, you know,
it's going to be sweet,
it's going to be great.
-No, no. Come on.
-And I'm starving. Come on.
Come on, man.
[suspenseful music]
Hey, how are ya?
-Two churros please?
-One churro, I don't--
-Come on, man.
-I don't want one.
[Seb] You haven't eaten
in like, three hours.
That's crazy.
Here you go.
Oh, it's warm,
this is excellent.
-It's like a donut, but--
[Seb] You know like,
um, cinnamon--
-Come on.
You don't want a bite?
[trashcan thudding]
Hey. Let's see if
we can lift some prints
off these at the lab.
Yeah, these knuckleheads
are around here somewhere.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, oh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
On a one-horse open sleigh
Over the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob-tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is
To laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight, Oh
jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, oh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
-I actually love it.
-Merry Christmas, kids.
Merry Christmas.
Well done, Merry Christmas.
[Emily] So, yeah,
my folks on the mall,
I'm in charge of marketing
and PR of special events,
you know, stuff like that.
I've been doing it now
for about two years.
Well, since I graduated
college anyways.
-Wow, college.
-Very fancy.
-Thank you. [chuckles]
I didn't go to college actually,
I mean, I didn't like school.
I wasn't very good at math.
I hated history, um, the less
I learned religion, the better.
[Emily laughing]
[Emily] Well, there
must have been something
in school you liked.
-I like singing.
I grew up singing in the church
choir, made me feel useful.
Hmm, well, I'm sure that made
your parents very proud.
I, uh, don't have parents.
So in my country,
in Northern Ireland,
we had a thing called
The Troubles, and my dad died
in a war-type activity.
My mom was pregnant with me
at that time so she gave me up.
So... [sighs]
...yeah, that's
what I've been told anyway.
There you have it.
Well, I am sure your parents
would be very proud of you.
-Thank you.
Hey, I know what you need.
[Patrick] Hmm.
-Hot cider.
-I like cider.
-You do?
-I do.
Okay. I'll be right back
with two cups, don't move.
-I will not.
You will find me right here.
Freezing cold.
Really cold.
[light music]
I can't keep this
charade up much longer.
Please help me.
-I'm running out of ideas.
I love this time
of year, don't you?
Didn't used to.
What changed?
-I became Santa this year.
You let me know
if I can help out, kiddo.
You're such a charming guy.
You've been in town
such a short time
and you already have friends.
Yeah, it's pretty magical
around, isn't it?
Hmm, yes, so you
didn't finish earlier.
What brought you from
New York to Santa Fe?
Well, I went searching
for new opportunity,
and who was it that
said go west, young man?
[Spanish themed guitar music]
Thank you.
[foot stomping]
[Joe] You're a dead man.
I happen to know where
exactly you are.
Can we switch places?
-Oh, uh.
-It's just that it's
not very gentlemanly of me to
not block you from the air,
[stuttering], the draft from
the front door, the draft.
Oh, it's okay, I don't
really feel a draft.
Oh, no, there's definitely
a draft, absolutely.
-Oh, okay.
-Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's really,
very thoughtful of you.
It's me, thoughtful Pat.
[blows out]
It's very chilly
in here, isn't it?
-I can't.
-[clears throat]
Do you mind if I wear this?
[light jolly music]
Oh, do you want me to get
your coat from the hostess?
No, no, no.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Your body heat actually
leaves from your head,
so it's amazing how comfortable
a hat can make you feel, yeah.
Marvelous feat of
engineering really.
Okay, whatever you say.
I, uh, I'm actually going
to go to the toilet, Emily,
I've got cider all over
my hands, it's really sticky.
Yeah, I'll order you
a drink while you're gone,
you really seem like
you could use one.
-Right, thanks.
[toilet flushing]
[Seb] Oh, I feel like
something crawled
-inside and died--
-Yeah, well you shouldn't
have put all that
extra pepper sauce
on your chili.
[Seb] Oh, it's like
I ate battery acid.
Yeah, let me remind you,
you're the one who said you
just had to eat something again.
You should've listened to me,
you should've had what I had.
[Seb] Oh, a yak burger?
That's right.
You know what you're
problem is, my friend?
If you're going to
eat the way you eat,
you got to expand your horizons.
You got to, you got
to educate your palate,
you got to eat more
international cuisine,
you should've had
the yak burger.
[Seb] But where yak's from?
Well, they're from, uh--
-Over there.
-Over where?
-Ah! Why does it matter
where they're from?
Just finish your business,
will you? We got to get out
there and find this kid.
-Come on.
-Good evening, sir.
So glad I ran into you.
Excuse me, do I know you, pal?
Oh, I know you.
Listen, I need a little help.
I have a bet with
a friend out there about
the lyrics to a Christmas carol.
Help me out, will you?
I came in here
to stall for time,
I just, I can't
think of the words.
-Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't
know any Christmas songs.
-[toilet flushing]
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows Christmas songs.
-We don't know any
Christmas songs,
-What's wrong with you, Jimmy?
come on, we got
to get out there.
Sorry, excuse me.
Have you seen this guy?
-Oh. [chuckles]
Look at that.
Matches my beguiling chapeau.
Indeed, I have seen
the young lad.
Well, you help me, I help you.
All right, all right.
What song do you need to know?
12 Days of Christmas.
-Oh, that's a good one.
-12 Days of Christmas. Yeah.
I know it but I don't--
do you know it?
Well, slinte.
-Oh, yeah, cheers. [chuckles]
[glasses clinking]
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
-Piece of cake.
So, aside from your willingness
to daunting cheerfully
colored head gear, why are
you such a good Santa Claus?
No, no, I mean it.
Have you done this before?
No, no, no, no, no.
I have never done this, Emily.
Um, to be completely
honest with you,
when you put me on that
chair the first day,
I was pretty terrified.
It's not, "Gave".
-[Seb] What?
-It's, "Sent", it's,
"My true love sent to me".
-Is it?
-Are you sure?
-Sent, gave.
What's the difference?
Come on, what's next.
-Come on, come on.
-Okay, uh. [humming]
The second day of Christmas
My true love gave to
- Sent
Sent to me two turtle shells
It's not shells, you bonehead.
-Even I know that.
-What else does
a turtle have to give?
I never experienced
the Santa as a child.
We didn't have a mall
that he'd come to,
I didn't have a chimney
that he could come down so,
whenever he didn't come,
I just sort of gave up hope.
It's turtle doves, you idiot.
Even I know that, turtle doves.
What's a turtle dove?
Is that a turtle that flies?
That would be
something, all right.
-Is it a dove with a shell?
But when you put that
first that kid on my lap,
I had this overwhelming
sense of, "I will
not let these children down".
I can't do it.
You certainly have not
disappointed, Pat.
Oh, Emily, if I can give these
kids happiness and hope
that the Christmas spirit still
exists, it's still there.
Then it's worth it. And to
be honest, they inspire me.
It's a, it's a bird,
it's not a turtle, it's a bird.
It's a type of bird,
it's a dove.
-Are you sure?
-It doesn't have a shell,
it has wings, it's a bird.
Are you sure?
You know where we are?
New Mexico.
Government labs, they do special
things here, experiments,
I've read about it online.
They take a mouse head
and they put it on a fish.
I got one word for you.
Half cat, half rabbit.
-[laughs] I read that too.
So, em, what about you?
What inspires you, miss?
travel magazines.
[laughs] This is getting
complicated, guys.
Is there any way
that you can just
write all this down for me?
I've never been anywhere
except for away to college.
Heck, I've never been
out of the county.
Five golden rings
You know, I really,
I really want to travel
and see the world someday.
And a partridge
In a pear tree
Good, good, good, good,
we got it. Here you go,
my little friend.
He's gone.
That'll make that two
idiots in a public johnny.
Well, it's two
turtle doves, you know.
[suspenseful music]
And where would you go first?
[Emily] Ireland, I think.
-You're joking me.
-No, I'm not joking.
[chuckles] Why Ireland?
The people there seem very nice.
Yeah, yeah, I like the Irish.
[soft guitar music]
[Patrick] I'm back, Mrs. O.
Mr. Pat, I'm glad
that you're back.
The most exciting
thing happened.
-The FBI came
with badges and everything.
Whatever for, Mrs. O?
Well, they say
they traced a phone call
from here to a known criminal.
Isn't that exciting?
Don't you think so?
-Something about a big
money laundering ring.
I, I, I don't really
know what that means,
but I know it's real bad.
Uh, listen, I'm actually, uh,
I'm going to hit the hay, yeah?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, goodnight.
[festive music]
[Patrick] What would you
like for Christmas, Maggie?
A baby dolly with curly hair.
Is that all
you'll be wanting though?
I love you, Santa.
[Patrick] Santa loves
you too, Maggie.
You leave out some milk
and cookies now, okay?
Merry Christmas, yeah?
I'll see you next year.
-Take a seat.
-Hello, little boy.
What's your name?
Vincente, you can call me Vin.
Oh, Merry Christmas, Vin.
And what would you be
wanting from Santa?
A mom or
a fire truck. [chuckles]
Fire truck, I mean,
I totally get--
Sometimes a man just
needs a fire truck.
Never know when
it'll come in handy.
But the mom, why the mom?
I live in a group home.
There aren't
any fosters right now.
[light music]
I tell you what, Vin,
will you do me a favor, yeah?
-[Vincente] Mm-hmm.
-Can you go back here tomorrow?
But tomorrow's Christmas Eve.
Won't you be busy?
Yes, Vin, I'll be very busy,
so you better make sure you
come back tomorrow, okay?
I will, Santa.
All right, Merry Christmas, Vin.
You too.
Hey, Emily, we're going to
close shop early tonight.
We have a few things to do.
-[joyful music]
-That's a beautiful fire truck.
Okay, well.
[Patrick] Catch it, overhead.
Pretty good.
They really love these.
[man chuckles]
[soft festive music]
["Deck the Halls"
by Nat King Cole]
Deck the halls
With boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing
Yule before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp
And join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
- Fa la la la la, la la la la
-Excuse me.
-Is that green chili?
-It is.
Green chili is my favorite.
La la la la
Green chili is my favorite too.
-And I make the best.
We have a lot in common.
La la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
I am Mrs. Ortega.
I'm Vincente.
Do you know what we call red
and green chili
together, don't you?
Yes, that's right.
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Heedless of
The Wind and weather
Fa la la la la, la la la la
-[Patrick] Bravo!
-[crowd cheering]
How is it that we were
never friends before?
I don't know.
Well, we are now.
We're running into
dead-ends here.
The closest we got
to anything was
that little fellow
in the men's room.
He's in here somewhere,
I can feel it.
[Patrick] There you are,
go on, Vin. Open it.
Oh, man, thank you, Santa.
-Oh, you're so welcome.
-Thank you, I love it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me, have you
seen this guy around?
No, I don't think so.
Are you sure? Have a look there.
-No, I'm sure.
-Yeah, ah.
What's all the hubbub about over
here? Ain't it a little late
in the game for these kids
to be giving Santa Claus
their wish list? I mean,
it's Christmas Eve
for crying out loud.
That doesn't matter.
That's the singing Santa.
-The kids just love him.
-Singing Santa?
Uh-huh, I've taken my boys
three times to see him now.
You know, he is actually
giving them presents?
He is, is he?
And he is so cute.
I mean, he has
the cutest little accent.
I don't know where
they found this guy.
Accent, he's got an accent.
This cute little
accent wouldn't happen
to be an Irish brogue, would it?
-I guess so.
-Thank you very much, ma'am.
-I couldn't quite place it
before, but. [chuckles]
[light dramatic music]
-Pat Keeley!
-[suspenseful music]
[music intensifies]
[Seb] My eye!
[Patrick] Bye, kids,
Santa's got to go.
Sorry, it's Christmas Eve.
I'll get you, you
double-crossing little twerp.
[Seb] My eyes, my eyes.
I'm blinded, I'm blinded.
[Seb groaning]
-I can't see.
-He's going around.
He's going around, come on, Seb.
-[Seb groaning]
-Hey, that's my hat!
[Seb groans] I can't see.
-[dramatic music]
[jolly music]
[suspenseful music]
Vincente, where are you going?
[muffled talking]
[suspenseful music]
-[car door slamming]
-[upbeat music]
-[joyful music]
-[muffled talking]
[bell chiming]
-Hey, wait!
Who do you think you are,
get, get, get, get, get!
-Put it down now.
-That's our money.
Put it down, you're a thief.
You're a thief, leave the money!
[suspenseful festive music]
Now that's something
you don't see every day.
Well, it's Christmas Eve.
Santa's got a job to get done.
Good one.
[bell dinging]
All right, hurry, let's go.
[church bell tolling]
[light dramatic music]
[upbeat instrumental music]
Look, Santa's belly!
Okay, this way.
[solemn instrumental music]
O, holy night
The stars are
Brightly shining
It is the night of our
Dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining
Till he appeared
And the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees
Oh, hear
The angel voices
Oh, night
Oh, night
When Christ was born
Oh, night
- Oh, night--
-Hey, look there go our perps.
Oh, night
Are you ready for
midnight mass, Father?
[light music]
Santa, Santa, is that you?
-[dramatic music]
-Is that my green chili?
-I don't know.
Man, it makes me really upset
when people mess
with my green chili.
-Come on.
[dramatic festive music]
[Emily] Pat, what is going on?
Get in, get in,
get in, get in, get in.
Start, start, start,
start, start.
Please start.
Do you even know
what you're doing?
[Patrick] Absolutely not.
[firetruck engine rumbling]
You thought you can
get away, you rat.
-Go away.
-Come on!
Go away.
[light music]
[Vincente] Hmm.
[joyful music]
[sirens wailing]
[Martinez] Hey, that,
that's Jim Kelly hanging
off the side there.
Stop this truck!
-Stop it!
-Where's that money?
-[muffled yelling]
-Where's the money?
-[Patrick groaning]
You thought you could get
away from me, didn't you?
[Agent on speaker] This is the
FBI. Pull over immediately.
Did you hear that?
Pat, that was the FBI.
What is going on?
Emily, I'm so, so sorry.
[panting] I started
working for this fella
who's partly a criminal and--
[dramatic music]
-[Pat screaming]
I, I could have helped.
Officer Ryan,
he could have helped.
[triumphant music]
[Jim groaning]
-[sirens wailing]
-Stay down.
[Joseph] Help, over here.
Jim Kelly, on your feet.
-Who are you?
-Ah, Jesus.
-The FBI, we lost them.
-[light music]
Aha, Joseph.
-What's happening?
-[engine sputtering]
-Wait, wait, it's--
-I don't know.
-Why'd it stop?
-Oh, no.
[Emily] What's wrong?
Well, that's anticlimactic.
What sort of fire
truck goes out of gas?
It's an emergency vehicle.
What happens if
we had an emergency.
Like, like, like, like
right now for example?
Well, gosh, Pat.
I mean, [scoffs], this is
actually the old display truck
the firefighters use to
collect toys for charity.
You know, just for Christmas.
Didn't it look a little
old-fashioned to you?
Of course, it looked
old-fashioned, Emily.
Everything in Santa Fe
is old fashioned, all right?
Calm down, Pat,
we can figure this out.
What's to figure out, Emily?
When I'll get deported?
I mean, 'cause, you know what?
It's not if, it's when.
Oh, actually, I know when.
When I finish my jail sentence
in an American prison.
And do you know what?
Joe has like these
big long tentacles.
And he's like octopus that like,
go through to the jail cell.
He's like this big
Irish octopus.
I don't know.
He told me so himself.
-Stupid door.
-[Pat screaming]
-[Emily yelps]
[reindeer slobbering]
The top of my head all wet
and warm, I'm bleeding.
-It's blood.
-[man] It's not blood.
It's reindeer slobber.
Dunder, stop eating his hair.
It's not good for you.
I'm sorry about this.
Every now and again
he nips at my beard
when he's real hungry.
[man] Well, for you
native English speakers.
It's Donner.
Dunder means thunder in Dutch.
[reindeer belching]
See what I mean?
[Santa chuckles]
[light music]
Sir, this is, uh,
this is great and all,
but I have
the authorities chasing me.
Please, it wouldn't be
Christmas if I didn't have
a few run-ins with the police.
I go down strangers'
chimneys for a living.
Sometimes it's hard
for adults to believe.
They forget.
-Hi, Emily.
I don't understand this.
Isn't it obvious,
I'm Santa Claus.
You can call me Santa.
-Santa Claus?
So if this is real,
why are you here?
It's Christmas Eve.
It's real, all right?
Wait a second, I know you.
I've been with you
all your life, Pat.
I knew you were special
the day you were born.
One of my elves, Alowishus,
he alerted me to your unusual
sense of caring,
your special gifts.
Look, Pat, I want
to offer you a job.
Well, an apprenticeship, really.
An apprenticeship?
-For what?
-I'll be 1,750 years
old next year.
And my knees just aren't
what they used to be.
I could use a little help.
I can't think of anyone
I'd rather have on my team.
And Emily provided
the most excellent
training ground for you.
Thank you, Emily.
[Emily giggles]
You're welcome.
But why now?
If you haven't hadn't had
gone through what you did,
you wouldn't have
the same understanding
of the children you do now.
Now, if you choose
to come work with me,
you'll live with me
up in the North Pole.
Let me be your family.
Let us be your family.
Go, Pat. Go with Santa.
What do you say?
-Yes, yes, I'd love to.
-[uplifting music]
[chuckles] I'm so glad, Pat.
Now, we better get going.
[both chuckling]
Just, can I,
can I have a minute, Santa?
Thank you, Emily.
You did this for me.
I always knew you'd
be my guardian angel.
It's been grand.
Good luck.
It has been grand, hasn't it?
Merry Christmas, Pat.
[Santa] Come on, Pat!
We have work to do.
-[Santa chuckling]
You'll see each other again,
sooner than you think.
[light music]
Yeah, on Dasher!
On Dancer, on Donner!
-Oh, you know the rest!
Come on, everybody.
Let's go, yeah!
[both laughing]
[Santa] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
[festive music]
Deck the halls
With boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing--
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp
And join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
While I tell of
Yuletide treasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away
The old year passes
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hail the new
Ye lads and lasses
Fa la la la la, la la la la
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky]
[Joe groans]
Who did that? Who did that?!
[Joe] I hate Christmas.
[book thudding]
[light festive music]
Over in Killarney
Many years ago
My mother sang
This song to me
In tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty
In her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world
If she could sing
That song to me this day
It's an Irish lullaby