Santa's Little Helper (2015) Movie Script
[ Rock ]
"Mama Claus," said Santa
"Why you look so down?
Christmas is a-comin'
And the kids
have been poutin' around
Get your gear to the sleigh
Get on your way
The boys and girls are
waitin' on Christmas Day
What's the matter with you?
Turn that frown around"
- [ Tires Screech ]
- Thank you.
Go, Santa
Ho, ho, ho
[ Santa ]
Ho, ho, ho.
I don't think
you can park there, friend.
- It's marked "handicapped."
- Thanks for pointing that out.
So go, Santa
Go, go
Not exactly bucking for
the "nice list," are you?
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Nope. Focusing on
the "rich list."
[ Chuckles ]
Go, Santa
Go, go
Mr. Ardwick?
I told you on the phone
we need more time.
Our center's director ran off
with all of our money.
I'm aware of your situation,
but I thought it might be better
if we talked face-to-face.
So you'll grant us
an extension?
Of course not.
What is your problem, dude?
You seem happy about this.
And who are you?
The muscle?
[ Clears Throat ]
We are scrambling to find some
way to cover the lease payment.
I-If only you'd let the kids
put on their Christmas play.
They have been selling
tickets all over town.
Unless you're charging
Broadway prices,
it's not even
going to make a dent.
There must be
something we can do.
Oh, there is.
Vacate the premises
by the 15th,
because that's when
the bulldozer's coming.
Don't hesitate
to call our office...
with any questions.
- But it's almost Christmas.
- I know.
You might want to take down
these decorations.
Sort of gets everyone's
hopes up, doesn't it?
I can't believe
you're doing this.
You suck!
Life's full
of disappointments, kid.
Get used to it.
Merry Christmas.
It will be for me.
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Yo, Donald!
You might want
to dye the hair.
It's a young man's business.
Will do, Ax Man.
[ Sighs ]
Jerk.
Hey, bro.
Dig the hair.
Come in and see--
You're obviously new here,
so let me explain
how things work.
It's not a big deal.
First lesson--
On the way up, treat everyone
like your best friend,
or on the way down,
they could become
your worst nightmare.
Mister--
Second lesson--
Don't interrupt.
But, sir--
What? What is it
you're trying to say, bro?
Mr. Ardwick,
I've worked here
for 16 years.
And Lane wants
to see you... bro.
Well, why didn't
you say that?
Jerk.
How'd it go, Dax?
Tell Epic Mart the property's
theirs after the 15th.
That's my man!
Dax the Ax!
Great job today.
I've learned
from the best, Lane.
Nobody can teach a shark
how to be a shark.
A shark just is.
And a shark knows
when there's blood
in the water.
Word is Peterman's out.
It's no secret
I want his position.
Yeah, about that--
What's this?
Two weeks severance.
You're fired.
[ Laughs ]
What?
Yeah, it turns out
Henderson's an even
bigger shark than you.
He's convinced us
he can do his job
and yours with no problem.
And you know what?
Just between you and me,
people don't like you very much.
People don't like me
very much?
Did I say "very much"?
People don't like you at all.
Let me get this straight.
You're giving Dax the Ax...
the ax?
[ Chuckling ]
That's a real clever way
of putting it.
Oh, I am going to miss
your sense of humor.
But it's almost Christmas.
Come on.
Like that's ever worked.
Have some dignity.
You can't do this.
I bought a house.
A house I can't afford.
Well, that was dumb.
Now please leave my office.
This is getting sad.
After years of doing
your dirty work...
and covering up
your creative accounting,
you're just gonna
throw me out?
No. I'm not
gonna throw you out.
You're a big guy.
Security!
I need you to throw
somebody out!
How about I throw you out?
Out the window.
How about that?
Take it easy, Dax.
Don't do anything
you're gonna regret.
Regret?
Oh, I'm downright giddy
about this!
No! That's it.
Oh, not only are you never
ever working here again,
but I'll see to it that
you never work anywhere again.
Don't you dare touch my signed
Super Bowl football!
I'll give you
a head start, Lane.
I suggest you use it.
[ Employees Gasping ]
Uh-oh.
Come on, bro.
I thought we were friends.
I gave you that
great career advice.
Yes, you did.
[ Grunts ]
[ Employees Gasping ]
Enjoy the ride down...
bro.
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Beeps ]
I've called six other firms.
They won't even speak to me.
That's terrible, honey.
Plus, that spineless jerk Lane
is threatening to press
assault charges.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I thought I had
that promotion in the bag.
Mm-hmm.
This was my shot
at the big time.
Don't worry, babe.
I'm gonna bounce back.
I mean,
I have to, right?
What are you doing?
Leaving you.
- What?
- Face it, we had fun.
But a smart girl knows
when to leave a sinking ship.
Who ever accused you
of being smart?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Door Opens ]
Tanya.
If you leave,
you're not coming back.
Good luck, Dax.
You're gonna need it.
You have no friends,
you're incredibly self-centered,
and you're not
a very likable person.
Yeah, well,
you dated me.
Huh.
I guess
I'm not that smart.
Women, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
She's confusing
"having no friends"
with being a "lone wolf."
Those are two very
different things.
Oh, I hear ya, pal.
Sign here.
[ Sighs ]
Hey!
What are you doing?
The company wants
their car back.
Hope the lone wolf's
got a bicycle.
No, no, no, no, no!
I can live without
the girlfriend,
but the car?
The car and I are in love!
[ Car Horn Honks ]
[ Wind Whistling ]
[ Barking ]
[ Man's Voice ]
T-minus 10, nine,
eight, seven--
What are you looking at?
And you-- You beat me once,
but I'm taking you down!
You hear me?
I'm taking you down!
Can I help you?
Uh-- Hey, uh--
Nice night, huh?
Well, for some of us.
- But you--
You don't look so good.
- It's been a rough week.
Is that why you're out here
in the middle of the night
yelling at a building?
Nah, this place is--
Why are you here?
Maybe I was
looking for you.
I appreciate the compliment,
but I play for the other--
No, Dax.
I thought you might need
someone to talk to.
How would you know that?
How did you know my name?
I'm Santa.
[ Scoffs ]
Now just humor me, son.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas.
Let's see. Hmm?
I have no car,
no money, no job,
no friends.
How about a pony, Santa?
No, I'm serious, Dax.
What would it take to turn this
whole thing around for you?
Doesn't matter.
My life is screwed.
Why would you say that?
I repeat--
I have no money,
no friends, no jobs.
Nothing! Nothing is
going to fix this!
You never know.
It's never too late
to be the person you should be.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
You should put that
in one of those
self-help books.
"Fake Santa's False Hopes."
Never heard that one before.
[ Man ]
Merry Christmas!
[ Excited Chatter ]
[ Woman ]
I need more tape.
Who's hungry?
[ Workers ]
I am!
One more.
[ Beeps ]
Come on, Santa.
Your form is sloppy.
Back straight,
chin up, knees high.
Let's go. Let's go.
You certainly know
how to keep me in line,
don't you, Billie?
Well, it's my job to make sure
you can do your job properly.
Let's go.
One more.
Aye-aye,
my round-eared friend.
Oh, by the way,
I received some
very disappointing news
yesterday.
Did your cholesterol tests
come back?
Ho-ho. No.
I got a letter of resignation
from the Head Office Herald
of Holiday Operations.
Twixel's resigning?
What? He's been the HOHOHO
for almost 200 years.
I know.
Apparently, he doesn't
believe he can do his job
effectively anymore.
His mind's getting
a little-- mmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Last night, he accidently
turned my sleigh...
into a breakfast burrito.
No, I did not eat it.
Uh-huh.
Could have fooled me.
[ Both Chuckling ]
So what are we
gonna do now?
Well, I need to select
a new HOHOHO, and soon.
It's awfully close
to crunch time,
and without
my little helper--
I bet I know who's dying
to be appointed.
[ Together ]
Eleanor.
As Twixel's daughter,
she seems to believe...
that the position
is hers for the taking.
But ultimately,
the decision is mine.
I'm looking for someone
who not only has the
distribution genius of Amazon,
but also truly embodies
the five sugarplum virtues.
Hmm?
A cool head.
Humility.
Cooperative nature.
Inspirational spirit.
And, of course,
the fifth
and most important--
A kind soul.
Exactly.
Now I do have
someone in mind.
Who?
I've been looking into this
particular fellow lately.
I have a very good feeling
about him.
He could really
shake things up
around here.
And he's got
a very good understanding
of what people want...
because he's one of them.
One of who?
He's a normie.
A normie?
As the HOHOHO?
That's insane.
Well, maybe a little.
Which is why
I need to make sure
he's got what it takes.
So I need someone
to test him out for me.
Hmm?
See, I'm doing this
because I mean you.
I know you mean me.
But I can't do that, Santa.
Sure, you can.
All you need to do is determine
if he's got the qualities
I'm looking for...
without letting him know
who you are or why you're there.
Oh, is that all?
No.
Then you need to convince him
to leave his normie life
at home...
and move to the North Pole.
Piece of cake.
Santa, I can't.
I just can't.
I have a lot of faith
in you, Billie.
You are incredibly clever.
And you'll have
no trouble at all
fitting in over there.
Because-- Well, yes.
Because that's
what makes you special.
Here.
Take this with you.
Twixel's bell?
Only use North Pole magic
when you absolutely have to.
We must be very careful
what we do in their world.
I don't know
what to say.
Say you'll give it
your best shot.
That's all I can ask.
Who wants cookies?
Oh-ho.
No, no, no, Mrs. C.
We just finished a workout.
Perfect time for a reward.
I can't have my man
wasting away to nothing.
There, skinny.
Take a few for later.
Mm-hmm.
That's my man.
Hmm?
[ Scoffs ]
No.
Oh, Billie.
I really don't feel like
a cookie right now, Mrs. Claus.
Oh, it's not cookies
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh.
I know what's going on
between you and Mr. Claus.
Mrs. Claus, I love your husband,
but I would never--
[ Laughing ]
Oh! No, silly.
I meant, I wanted to talk
about the HOHOHO position.
What do you mean?
I know you're disappointed that
you're not being considered.
No, I--
But you have to know
how much we value you here.
Santa picked you
to see if the normie...
had the particulars
he's looking for...
because he trusts you
completely.
Thank you for saying that,
but I would never have assumed--
And there's another beautiful
quality we love about you.
Santa's pretty good at matching
the person to the task.
I've noticed.
He's pretty cute too.
[ Giggling ]
Yeah.
Safe travels, my dear.
Thanks, Mrs. Claus.
Oh! Please call me--
well... Mrs. Claus.
[ Chuckles ]
The Peppermint Portal
is almost ready
for your journey.
Unfortunately,
we lost an elf yesterday,
but I think
we're okay now.
- Are you serious?
- Of course not!
I've transported
1,100 elves,
and almost all of them
have come back safe.
Kidding again!
[ Laughs ]
You're in good hands.
Hop on.
And just where
are you off to?
That's really none
of your business, Eleanor.
Oh, but it will be,
once I become the new HOHOHO.
[ Softly ]
Don't hold your breath.
- What was that?
- I said you're so blessed.
Don't get smart with me,
round ears.
Santa may take pity on you,
but I know what you really are.
- A freak.
- Oh, yeah?
Tell that to Rudolph.
[ Laughs ]
Burn.
Because Rudolph is--
At your service, ma'am.
Rudolph at least made
something of himself.
What are you?
A trainer
and a dateless wonder.
As much as I'm enjoying
this stimulating dialogue--
Fitzy.
[ Portal Opening ]
[ Bells Jingling ]
So, Fitzy, where's she going?
Uh, that is privileged
transporter and transportee
information.
And the chances of you
getting that information
from me...
are zero...
as my tolerance for pain
is extremely high.
Right. Right.
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, what-what was
the question?
[ Snoring ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
What?
[ Knocking ]
Go away!
[ Ringing Continues ]
[ Knocking Continues ]
Not here.
[ Knocking ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
What?
Mr. Ardwick.
I'm Harvey Ward from
True National Mortgage.
We've been having
a hard time reaching you.
That's 'cause I don't answer
the phone when you call.
That would explain it.
Well, anyway, it's my duty
to inform you that unless your
debts are settled immediately,
we will be foreclosing
on your house.
How long do I have?
At this point,
it's really a matter
of getting the paperwork done.
I strongly suggest
you find a new place to live
as soon as possible.
But it's almost Christmas.
My favorite time of year.
Which means they'll probably
want to get the paperwork
finished way before then.
You might want
to face the facts,
Mr. Ardwick.
You've been living
well beyond your means
for quite a while,
and now you're screwed.
[ Lock Clicks ]
Merry Christmas.
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
Really?
Gotta hand it to you, Harv.
You are one pain in the a--
Well, hello there.
- Dax Ardwick?
- Absolutely.
- May I come in?
- Absolutely.
You'll have to excuse my attire.
You caught me on a day off.
From what?
Cleaning?
- [ Chuckles ]
That's very funny, Miss--
- Billie is fine.
Billie is fine.
Did you just--
I did not.
Look, you're probably
more bad news,
but you are by far
the best-looking bad news
I've seen all week.
Mr. Ardwick,
I represent a certain...
high-profile individual...
who has asked me to approach you
about an extremely important
position...
which needs to be
filled immediately.
Somebody wants to hire me?
I mean--
I'm currently fielding
other offers,
but I could always listen
to what you have to say.
So you're a headhunter?
Something like that.
And what type of job
is it exactly?
The position would be directly
under the boss himself.
So vice president?
I guess you could say that.
Nice!
Who's the boss?
I can't say.
What type of
business is it?
I can't say.
Will there be
stock options?
I can't say.
What can you say?
My employer is...
different than what
you're probably used to.
If you want this position,
you're going to have
to prove yourself first.
Prove myself? How?
He sent me here
to see if you have
the traits he requires.
So I'll put you through
a series of tests,
and if you impress me,
then I would provide you
with the information necessary.
I get it.
It's usually those big time,
eccentric bosses...
that like all this secrecy
and hurdle-jumping stuff.
Is this guy
single-name famous?
You could definitely say that.
Then you definitely
have my attention.
Okay. Let's get started.
Now?
Is that going
to be a problem?
Well, I'll have to
make some calls,
rearrange my schedule--
Put on some pants.
Put on some pants.
[ Rock ]
High above the clouds
I hear sleigh bells
Please tell me
this isn't a company car.
It's very efficient.
Efficiency is important
to this job.
Of course. Yeah.
I like this car.
Where are you from?
Up north.
Okay.
Your first test is to show me
how you handle conflicts,
solve problems
and use your
negotiation skills...
while maintaining
an even temper.
So it's a series of challenges
for an important position.
Of course.
It's got The Donald
written all over it.
It's Trump.
You work for Trump,
right?
Wrong.
[ Dax ]
You might not want
to stop here.
This isn't the friendliest
of neighborhoods.
I want you to go inside
and tell them you dinged
one of their bikes.
No, seriously.
We should leave.
Once you reach
a peaceful resolution,
you can come out
and show them
there's no damage.
I'll be waiting.
There's no way
I'm doing that.
They'll kill me.
Not if you have the skills
needed for the job
we're offering.
Remember,
cooler heads prevail.
Or I could just tell my boss
that you're pursuing one
of your many other offers.
If I'm not back in five,
call the paramedics.
Oh, and wear this.
Why?
Because I said so.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Man ]
Yeah, man!
[ Bottles Rattling ]
[ Speakers: Rock ]
[ Chattering ]
Uh, hi.
What is that
on your head?
I'm not really sure.
Look, I hate
to tell you this, but--
Man, that hat is really
freaking me out.
- Yeah, why would you wear
something like that?
- Good question.
Forget about the hat.
Look, I, uh--
I dinged
one of your bikes.
[ Man ]
What'd he say?
You came in here
to tell us that?
I'd like to think
it was really
responsible of me.
Oh, yeah,
we really appreciate it.
You know, people aren't
so honest these days.
Oh.
And by "honest,"
you know,
I mean "stupid."
[ Man #2 ]
Yeah.
Okay, let's talk this out.
Resolve our conflicts.
Let cooler heads prevail.
[ Bikers Murmuring ]
Is that cool enough
for ya?
Bad joke. This is just
some sort of test
that I have to--
Shut up, weird hat.
Guys, take it easy.
I'm just gonna go,
if that's okay.
Not before you pay
the face tax.
Oh, not the face.
Peanuts?
Why'd you do that?
I was hoping you had
a peanut allergy.
Aaah! No. No, no.
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Guys, guys.
Let's be reasonable adults
here, all right?
Whoa! Whoa.
Don't make me use this.
Maybe you're looking
for a new member?
I love your goatee.
[ Groans ]
Uh-oh.
Oh, no. No.
Hi.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bell Ringing ]
Boys.
Don't want to be
on the naughty list, do you?
Not a particularly
impressive beginning.
Hey, they started it.
It's not about who starts it,
it's about not trying
to finish it.
You have to learn
to control your temper.
That part of the job?
Turning the other cheek
when a bunch of bikers
are about to rearrange my face?
It's a part of any job.
Don't fight.
Are you kidding me?
My life was in danger.
- I would never have let
something happen to you.
- Oh, I feel better already.
Five angry bikers against--
What are you, like, 90 pounds?
Wait a minute.
How did I get out
of that place anyway?
That's not important.
Okay, we need to focus
on the next test.
Unless you're
wimping out on me.
I... don't... wimp.
Good.
Hey. Why the hat?
Because I knew it would
throw you off your game.
And I thought
it would be funny.
Oh. You do have
a sense of humor.
I was beginning
to wonder.
Well.
You know,
I just realized,
you don't have a single
Christmas decoration in here.
Not one.
Christmas isn't exactly
my favorite time of year.
Are you serious?
When I was growing up,
the other kids would
decorate trees,
carol with their family,
open presents
on Christmas Day.
Me, not so much.
I can't remember
the last time
I got a present.
Cuban!
It's got a whole Cuban-y vibe.
The whole "trial by fire" thing.
Am I right?
I'm afraid not.
Let's just move on
to the next task.
Wait.
One last question.
Why me?
I'm still trying
to figure that one out.
Well, when you do
figure it out,
let me know.
I'm going
to take a shower.
Fine.
[ Sighs ]
Fitzy?
What are you doing here?
And why are you
dressed like Santa?
- Where am I?
- Between the poles.
- Why are you here?
- This? This is
between the poles?
I mean, I've been sending
elves back and forth
for almost 50 years,
and I've never actually
taken the journey myself.
I didn't think
it was safe.
Kidding. Sort of.
I rang for Santa.
Ah.
Well, I was adjusting
the teleportation frequency
capacitance...
and, well, one thing
led to another...
and here I am.
And why are you
wearing Santa's clothes?
Why do you think--
These aren't Santa's.
Okay, fine.
Sometimes when Santa
goes to sleep,
I put on
one of his shirts.
And his hat.
And his hat.
And-And then I--
I sit behind his desk
and I imagine...
what it would be like to--
to bring so much joy
to all those children.
Fitz.
Am I in trouble?
Your secret is safe with me,
but don't ever--
I-- I promise.
I will never transport
another Frappuccino.
Kidding!
[ Chuckles ]
Santa's clothes
are his own. Duh!
Mm, okay.
Later, Fitzy.
He's one of a kind,
isn't he?
- You knew?
- Santa knows.
Does Santa also know that
Dax is never gonna qualify
for this job?
Why would you say that?
He doesn't possess one
of the five qualities
you're looking for.
Billie, he just started.
But two minutes ago he said,
"Christmas isn't exactly
my favorite time of year."
- Yes, but--
- And he must have read
my mind when he asked me,
"Why me?"
[ Scoffs ]
It just doesn't
make any sense.
Maybe instead of
wondering why him,
you should be asking,
"Why not him?"
I can think of a dozen reasons.
Santa, why did you choose him?
Sometimes making the choice
that makes the least sense
makes the most sense.
Um, not helping.
Billie, when you give
good people possibility,
they do great things.
Please speak to me
in simple North Pole lingo.
Billie, the truth about
human character...
will always reveal itself.
I think inside Dax...
is a man
of great character.
Hmm?
Now, if you don't mind--
[ Yawning ]
I'm going to go off to bed
because I'm sleepy.
[ Portal Whooshing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman ]
They'll fill our stockings
up with
The love in our hearts
Our Christmas tree
will be
A great big work of art
Please tell me
I don't have to wear the hat.
You don't have to
wear the hat.
Is my life going to be
in danger again?
You don't have to
wear the hat.
[ Heavy Sigh ]
Is this about cooking?
Because I can do that
with my eyes closed.
- Impressive.
- I know.
You ever heard the expression,
"True humility is not
thinking less of yourself...
but thinking of
yourself less"?
That wasn't exactly
on my yearbook page.
Yeah, apparently.
Your potential
future employer...
finds humility to be
an important character asset.
Put this on.
What, so I can
amuse you again?
Nope.
It's required this time.
Mmm! Looks good.
[ Dax ]
Humility? What does this
have to do with humility?
Oh.
Try it.
Mmm.
Good, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, hey.
[ Giggles ]
[ Funk ]
[ Children Shouting ]
[ Man ]
Izya funkin'
Baby, izya funkin'
Uh, izya funkin'
Baby, izya funkin'
I, izya funkin'
Baby, izya
It's Maynard the Monkey!
Dance, monkey, dance!
I said dance!
Baby, dance
Show me your moves
Come on and give up
your stuff, girl
You don't know
how much I love you
I love your style
I can't get enough
This monkey sucks.
[ Children Exclaiming ]
Go on
[ Billie ]
Dax!
Go down to the disco
So we can boogie
all night long
[ Children Laughing ]
Izya funkin'
Get the monkey in three!
One, two, three!
[ Grunts ]
Baby, izya funkin' tonight
[ Blows Landing ]
I want the Lion's Share
chicken fingers plate
with mayo and mustard.
Extra spicy. Got it?
[ Bell Dings ]
Share chicken tenders,
extra spicy, not too--
It doesn't matter.
Just pick one.
Rhino Fries
with extra cheese,
no onions.
I need Rhino Fries,
extra cheese, onions--
Wait. Make that
extra onions,
no cheese.
[ Bell Dings ]
Just load it up!
Stop! No!
Ow! Ow!
Mix all the sodas
into one cup
but not with ginger ale.
[ Bell Ringing ]
One extra-large soda.
Because that makes me puke.
Like, bad.
[ Bell Dings ]
Mix them all together.
[ Tree Laughing ]
[ Dinging Continues ]
What are you so happy about?
[ Dinging Rapidly ]
[ Groaning ]
Ow!
I think I like
the birthday boy.
I want him
to be my boyfriend.
Then you should
talk to him.
Are you crazy?
[ Groans ]
I should just punch him.
He'll get the hint.
Oh!
Monkey,
I think there was
ginger ale in that drink.
I don't feel so good.
[ Stomach Growling ]
[ Retching ]
[ Children Exclaiming ]
[ Retching Continues ]
[ Cheering ]
- Anything else?
- You're supposed to call me
"Your Highness."
Anything else,
Your Highness?
Hey, don't be mad at me 'cause
you have to dress like a monkey
and do whatever I say.
That's about your messed up
life choices.
- [ Burps ]
- [ Children Laughing ]
What's that say
on your cake?
Huh?
[ All Gasping ]
[ Murmuring ]
[ Man ]
How can you do that to a child?
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Murmuring Continues ]
I mean--
Birthday food fight!
[ Children Shouting ]
[ Hip-hop ]
[ Man Rapping ]
And call the cops
We ain't goin' to stop
to the body rock
To the hip-hop
you don't stop
And sure enough this beat
would be the sure shock
And if your party gettin' hot
we call the cops
Yo, I'm doin' my thing
You can't complain
'Cause when it
comes to hip-hop
we pop the champagne
There ain't nothin'
like hip-hop music
Emcees and deejays
choose it
I stay true to the crew
How do you like
my life choices now, kid?
I like 'em!
You rock!
Every day is
how we do's it
I got the beats
and the rhymes
with the cool kids
I put your body on the floor
Girl, move it
'Cause it ain't nothin'
like hip-hop music
- Happy birthday, little dude!
- Hip-hop music
What was that about?
It's called
"thinking on your feet."
Impressed?
That you came up with something
to cover up for the problem
you created in the first place?
Well, when you
put it like that.
Your temper is becoming
an issue of concern.
Hey, for the record,
I didn't fight
one single kid.
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, my God. Really?
You're not even taking
this seriously at all.
Billie.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, really.
But you've got to
cut me some slack.
I'm doing all this
without any guarantees.
I'm not exactly
in my comfort zone.
Well, you did manage
to keep focus on the job
you needed to do,
regardless of your...
humiliating outfit.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Chuckles ]
I'll admit the birthday boy
really had it coming.
I know, right?
Yeah. Okay, fine.
I'll give you this one.
Now go get out of
that ridiculous costume
and meet me back here.
Hug?
Go.
Go! Don't--
[ Chuckles ]
What a joke.
So you're my competition.
Pitiful.
Pitiful?
I thought I nailed it.
Do they really have
elves in the jungle?
Do you really think
you're more qualified
for the job than me?
I don't think--
Yes, you don't think.
Because if you did,
you'd realize this job
belongs to me.
I've been trained of this
my entire life.
Now that's pitiful.
I just put the suit on
and winged it.
Yeah, you can tell.
This used to be
my dad's job,
and I'm not about to
let some outsider take
what's rightfully mine.
Come on.
Who are we
kidding here?
I mean, look at these stupid
costumes they make us wear.
What?
I thought the monkey thing
was bad, but-- [ Groans ]
Wait. Stop trying to confuse me
with your normie logic, okay?
Normie logic?
Why are you so con--
[ Sighs ]
I will fight to the death
to become the new--
Monkey?
You might want to set some
higher goals for yourself.
Look, I will leave
your dad's suit
in here for you, okay?
Oh. One word of advice--
If it gets
out of hand out there,
just start a food fight.
Works every time.
Oh! Some kid puked big time
near the Lava Slide.
You might want
to grab a bucket.
[ Scoffs ]
Oh!
Oh, okay.
[ Eleanor ] You have got
to be kidding me.
Eleanor.
I just met your
normie-slash-monkey.
Tell me, do you really think
that poor excuse for a human...
can compete
with the likes of me?
This is official
Santa business.
Take it up with him
if you have a problem.
A normie can't be
the HOHOHO.
It's simply not possible.
There's nothing in the rules
that says he can't.
I'll be looking into
these so-called rules.
Believe you me.
"Believe you me."
I heard that, round ears.
Enjoy these next few days,
because when I become
the new HOHOHO,
I'm going to make
your life a living hell.
[ Man ]
I'm looking up
'Cause, baby,
I've been down
I'm looking up
I'm tired of being
yoked down
[ Women ] Ooh
This seems like
a Google thing.
Or maybe that Musk guy.
He's always got weird ideas.
Am I getting warmer?
No.
- Bezos?
- No.
- Gates?
- No. Stop guessing.
- All right, fine.
Zuckerberg?
- [ Scoffs ]
I'm tenacious.
You got to give me that.
[ Chuckles ]
"Tenacious" is a big word
for a monkey man.
[ Cell Phone Chimes ]
[ Beeping ]
Give me a sec.
Mr. Ardwick, it's Harvey
from True National Mortgage.
Great news!
Well, for us anyway.
We've managed to expedite
your paperwork.
Hope you find
a new place to live,
because the next time
you see me--
[ Beeps ]
I'm looking up
Yeah, yeah
- Want to talk about it?
- Not really.
- Can I get you
a drink or something?
- No, I... should probably go.
Big day tomorrow.
Last chance to see
if you've got what it takes.
- But no pressure.
- Oh, no.
There's tons of pressure.
[ Both Chuckle ]
You should smile more.
It makes you even prettier.
- Can I ask you something?
- Shoot.
Do you really think I'm--
I mean,
you keep saying that--
You use these words--
Like "beautiful"?
'Cause you might be
the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
No, I'm being serious.
So am I.
You don't think my--
My ears are too--
Too what?
Adorable?
[ Sighs ]
I need to go!
[ Gasps ]
This is...
completely unprofessional.
[ Clattering ]
Oh! That's not a door.
Um--
Thank you...
for the words.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
[ Rock Ballad ]
[ Man ]
There is a feeling
This time of the season
Look, about last night--
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm just going to
focus on my job,
which is making sure
you're the right person
for your job.
But--
Drop it. Okay?
This next test is about
inspiring others.
Getting people to follow
your lead willingly
and enthusiastically.
So, like,
motivational speaking?
That's part of it.
It's also about representing
yourself in a way...
that makes people
want to better themselves.
Branson!
It's got to be Richard Branson.
I guessed it, didn't I?
You did guess,
and you'd be wrong.
Again.
This isn't going
to involve kids,
is it?
Quite the opposite.
Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
To you, baby
[ Woman On TV ]
Good, honey.
Believe me, I will never
get in that car again.
[ Snoring ]
[ Man ] It's your fault
there's no romance.
[ Woman ] Why are you crying?
[ Woman #3 ] I just can't
handle this right now.
It's really too stressful.
[ Woman #2 ]
My heart's racing. We're
in the middle of the road.
I don't know what to do.
It's just too much for me.
I'm getting my bag--
[ Woman #3 ]
Where are you going?
Maddy, no!
If you want to walk, Maddy,
you need the exercise.
So you better get walking.
[ Maddy ]
I need the exercise?
[ Woman ]
Everybody in the car!
Did I hurt-- break your nose?
Did I hurt your nose?
Do you--
[ Maddy ]
Oh, yeah, cellulite!
These legs make so much money.
- Last year--
- I need to exercise?
Lauren needs to get these
girls back in the car.
[ Clattering ]
[ Man ]
This is about you
not accepting responsibility.
[ Snoring ]
[ Chattering ]
I just want to go, and I want
to get to the next town.
I'm really stressed out.
How's everyone
doing this morning?
[ Woman #2 ]
Maddy, come out
and tell me!
You're beating
around the bush.
Maddy, please.
Just do this for me.
I said, how's everyone
doing this morning?
Is this a commercial?
You're blocking the TV.
[ Woman #2 ]
We're not talking!
We're not gonna talk--
I'm gonna need everyone
to focus on me
for just a few minutes.
This is a long,
boring commercial.
Can we fast forward?
All right. My name is Dax
and I'm here to get
your bodies movin'!
Physical fitness
is extremely important
for people of all ages.
Now, if I can get you all
to stand up.
Those of you
that can stand up.
Take your shirt off!
Ma'am, please.
I'm trying to demonstrate
that I can inspire--
But I can't hear you
with your shirt on.
We're going to start
with a few simple stretches--
- I say take your shirt off,
and I'll think about it.
- [ Chuckling ]
Fine. Fine.
Oh!
[ Chuckling ]
- Now will you stand up?
- Didn't I hire you
for Rose's 90th?
I think you were dressed
as a policeman.
- No, I-I don't--
- You're prettier
if you don't talk.
What's going on?
Is this a strip club?
Come on.
Shake it, Magic Mike.
This is ridiculous.
Whoo! Whoo!
This isn't proving
anything.
I know I can lead.
Knowing and doing are two
totally different things.
I think I'd rather
go back to the kids.
If you can't get five followers,
you're never gonna be able
to inspire hundreds.
I'd be in charge
of hundreds?
Not at this rate.
- Maybe she should
take her shirt off.
- Zip it!
Now can you stop
being a quitter,
get back over there
and show me how to do this?
[ Beeps, Steady Beat ]
You forgotten something,
Mr. Sexy Pants?
This ain't no jingle bells
In fact, I did, ma'am.
I forgot how happy it would
make me if you joined me
in a few exercises.
Th-The time of year
Would you please
do me the honor?
Well.
[ Chuckling ]
Well, I-- I'm not
promising anything.
How 'bout we just
twist the hips?
All right, yeah. There you go.
Back and forth. That's it.
There you go.
I'll dance
with the naked man!
She can walk!
Okay, now,
let's move our arms
on three.
One, two, three.
[ Stereo: Man Rapping ]
Hey.
Here we go! All right!
Now let's raise the roof!
Why? What's the matter
with the roof?
Nothing. The roof's fine!
Now if I can get
my pretty little friend
here to join us.
Ah!
[ Laughs ]
Impressed?
Oh, it's not a total failure.
Keep it going now
all night long
We all up, up
We all up, up
We all up
in the Christmas club
We all up, up
We all up
Who's this trollop?
In the Christmas club
[ Man ]
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
So, only one more test,
and that's it?
The job's mine?
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves. We have to
see how you do first.
Then weigh that with your
previous performances.
And you're telling me
all this is gonna be
worth the effort?
This job provides
rewards that are...
immeasurable.
I like the sound of that.
This last test isn't
gonna be easy though.
Wait, the others
were supposed to be easy?
Think of them
as a warm-up.
Now I'm gonna need you
to show me the very best
version of yourself.
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Does that place mean
something to you?
Just a business deal.
It's none of my business
anymore.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
And sing a sleighing song
tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
Dax,
we have a problem.
You're falling for me,
and it scares you?
Please. Give it a rest.
I thought I had one of those
roadside assistance cards.
Hey, where'd you
find that stuff?
In the car.
Do you want me to figure out
how to put that thing on?
No. It's fine.
But it's a man's job.
Where I'm from,
we don't differentiate
between male and female.
We work together, as equals.
I knew it!
I knew you weren't
from here.
There's something different
about you, Billie.
I've dated a lot of women.
[ Creaking ]
- Obviously.
I mean, look at me.
- Off the car!
But you--
you seem--
I don't know.
You operate at a different
rhythm than any girl
I've ever met.
It's like you're
from a different planet
or something.
A beautiful planet.
Um, same planet.
I don't know
anything about you.
- I--
- I don't even know
your last name.
I assume you have a last name,
or are you like Pink?
All right.
What do you want to know?
For starters,
what's your last name?
It's, uh, Gene?
Billie's last name
is Gene?
Yeah.
You must have been
really teased when
that song came out.
What song?
The Mi--
Doesn't matter.
Next question-- Do you
have a man in your life?
Uh, it didn't work out.
What happened?
Um, the usual.
Yeah. Let me guess.
He said,
"It's not you, it's me."
Or was it,
"You're too good for me.
I'll just hold you back."
Or my favorite,
"We had fun.
But a smart girl knows when
to leave a sinking ship."
- That's mean.
- Yeah, I thought it was.
- Any more questions?
- Yeah.
How long's this gonna take?
I'm hungry.
[ Man ]
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
[ Billie Gasps ]
A hot dog cart!
I gotta have one.
- Do you want?
- No, thanks.
I'm gonna stretch,
get some feeling back
in my legs.
Holy infant
[ Man Coughing,
Groaning ]
Hello?
[ Groaning Continues ]
[ Coughs ]
All right.
Keep sleeping it off, alkie.
I'm not drunk.
[ Grunts ]
[ Bottles Clattering ]
I've been mugged.
No, no, no.
What is it?
My great-great-grandfather's
ring.
I was to have passed it down
to my son on his birthday.
I don't care about
the money at all,
but that ring--
that ring was priceless
to me.
You need me to call
the cops or anything?
I-I'll manage.
Thank you for stopping.
Not many
would've done so.
Sure you're okay?
Yes, thank you.
Ooh, yeah.
It's not my problem.
[ Singsongy ]
It's not my problem.
[ Sighs ]
Hey.
- What do you want?
- Keep the wallet.
Just give me the ring, okay?
- Is he for real?
- Totally real.
I'd really like
that ring back.
What are you
gonna do about it?
Do you really
want to find out?
Fine.
Whatever, man.
The thing's super ugly anyway.
I got something
for you.
Oh, but how?
Found it on the ground
over there.
Thank you. Thank you.
Don't worry about it.
It's no big deal.
I won't forget this.
Tell your son
happy birthday.
Come on, let's get
to that last test.
That will not
be necessary.
You just passed it.
I did?
My boss places a lot of value
on special acts of kindness,
especially toward strangers.
Wait a minute.
Does that mean you're--
Impressed? Yes, Dax.
I'm impressed.
Does that mean
I got the job?
It means you qualify
for the job.
The final decision
is up to the boss himself.
What was his name again?
Nice try.
[ Engine Starts ]
To Dax,
who's come a long way
in a short time.
Thanks.
Just tell me this--
Is it a Fortune 500 company?
Dax.
NASDAQ? New York stock exchange?
Dax.
It's Murdoch, isn't it?
No.
Come on. Just tell me.
It's Santa.
Sorry. What is it?
Your new boss is Santa.
Santa Claus.
[ Chuckles ]
Good one.
Who is it, really?
It's really Santa Claus.
Kriss Kringle.
St. Nicholas himself.
Billie, why are you--
The woman you met at
the birthday party--
She's your competition.
She is an elf.
Oh, this story just
gets better and better.
Come on! Stop joking.
I'm dead serious.
Okay.
Look, I understand
this is really hard
for you to believe.
Hard to believe?
Did Lane put you up to this?
Is this some sort of prank?
No, Santa put me up to this.
He wanted to make sure
you qualified
for the position.
Santa put--
What position?
The vice president of Christmas?
Ho, ho, ho! Very funny!
Dax, haven't you ever heard
of "Santa's little helper"?
The dog from The Simpsons?
It's a nickname
for the Head Office Herald
of Holiday Operations.
It's the second
most important job
in the North Pole.
Of course! Yeah.
I suppose next you're gonna
tell me you're an elf.
Yeah, I am.
Sure, you are.
Yeah. A tall elf!
And where's your
pointy ears, huh?
Okay, you know what?
Elves come in all different
shapes and sizes,
just like normies do.
Normies?
And my ears aren't pointed
because...
I was born
with a genetic defect.
It's rare, but it happens.
Billie-- if that's even
your name-- look around.
The bank's gonna
take all of this.
I don't have a plan "B."
I believed there was a job
because I had to believe it.
I'm not lying.
There is a job,
and it's a great one.
As the HOHOHO.
Oh! Up in the North Pole?
Surrounded by gumdrops
and gingerbread men?
Yes.
Wow! How did I--
How did I not see this coming?
You need to calm down.
Calm down? Calm down?
Do not make me use this.
A bell?
You're gonna threaten me
with a bell?
Don't you get it?
My life is over!
[ Rings ]
Don't talk.
Don't think.
If we are going
to get anywhere,
you're going to have to
start listening to me...
because I have a lot
of things to tell you,
okay?
Cheer up, Dax.
Go to your happy place.
I don't have a happy place.
I don't have a job.
I don't have money.
I don't have anything!
There's a lot more
where that came from.
[ Rings ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
You might want
to get that.
[ Groans ]
Oops.
Evening, Dax.
Wait. I know you.
You're the guy
from the youth center.
I am.
May I come in?
I knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that you were my man...
when you got that ring
back for me.
Wait. That was you too?
[ Different Voice ]
I won't forget this.
So freaky.
As Billie said,
"You've come a long way."
And that--
that little bell thingy
did all that?
North Pole magic
is what powers Christmas, Dax.
It can do almost anything.
I still don't understand.
Out of all the people
in the world, why me?
Come with me,
and I'll show you.
You remember this place,
don't you?
Hope Springs Youth Center.
You spent a lot of time
in this building.
Parents weren't around much.
I hung around here more
than I did at home.
I think it's safe to say you
were a bit of a troublemaker
before you started coming here.
This building
had quite an effect
on you, didn't it?
Come on.
Let's take a look.
Three months of rehearsals
down the drain...
because somebody thought
he needed the money...
more than us.
Dax Ardwick.
I didn't take it.
Well, the only people
who had access to it
were you, Tommy and Mike.
They both
have airtight alibis,
leaving only one
other possibility.
You.
I didn't do it.
I love this play.
I love this place.
Says the dirt-poor kid
who actually asked
to be treasurer...
of the Christmas show
charity fund?
Come on.
You can all go.
Thanks a lot.
Way to ruin it
for the rest of us.
Guys, it wasn't me.
If Tommy and Mike
didn't do it,
and I know
I didn't do it,
that means you did.
I know.
[ Laughing ]
Good luck proving that,
Sherlock.
Who's gonna believe you?
I've seen punks like you
come and go, and they always
amount to nothing,
no matter how hard
they try to rise above
their pathetic DNA.
Why are you
doing this to me?
[ Sighs ]
Life's full
of disappointments, kid.
Get used to it.
It's the same jerk
that just stole
the center's money.
And your compassion
for others.
That was the moment
you stopped trusting
other people,
became closed off
and started caring
only about yourself.
The center said they wouldn't
press charges if I agreed to
leave and never come back.
So I did.
I know.
I learned a very valuable
lesson that day.
People are only
gonna let you down.
Well, turns out
that lesson...
became a significant loss
to the rest of the world.
What do you mean?
If you had kept your heart
open to others,
you would have
realized your dream
and become an astronaut.
Dax Ardwick would have
become a household name.
You would have made millions
in product endorsements.
Whether orbiting the Earth
or walking around the block,
I always start my day
with Dax Flax.
Stay healthy.
Travel strong.
With Flax from Dax.
You would have met
a wonderful woman,
had two beautiful children.
[ Laughing ]
You would have used
the science of zero gravity...
and discovered a cure
for the common cold.
[ Monitor Beeping ]
Oh, yeah.
And for a couple of weeks,
you would've been a greeter
at a famous clothing store.
How's your day going?
You were capable
of amazing things, Dax,
because you used to believe
that anything was possible.
That's my life?
Mm-hmm.
Use your North Pole magic
to give me that life!
Oh, I can't.
It ceased to exist...
when you closed yourself off
and stopped caring about others.
So...
it's too late?
It's never too late
to make a new start,
to find your best self.
Hmm?
[ Water Splashing ]
Well! Th-That's my face.
And you know
what they say?
When in Rome,
do as the normies do.
How does this guy
figure out what to wear?
Ugh. This normie life
is complicated.
[ Up-tempo
Instrumental Intro ]
Whoo!
Yeah.
She's got her girlfriends
on the phone
Saying, "Don't be late"
Fitz?
She shows up before
the band
'Cause she just can't wait
- What happened
to your beard?
- Well, I thought--
Where are your elf clothes,
and what are you doing here?
That is a good question.
That is actually
two good questions.
Is that Dax's shirt?
Hmm?
And tie?
And sunglasses?
Fitz, why... are...
you... here?
Where is your beard?
Why are you wearing
Dax's clothes?
Because Dax is
a pretty incredible guy.
Maybe he is.
Oh, I know he is.
Turns out we have way more
in common that I thought.
I transport elves
across space.
He's always wanted
to travel through space
as an astronaut.
Plus, he used to work
at a youth center,
bringing hope and joy
to all those children,
only he did it all year round.
We have very similar stuff.
Fitz.
Do not change one thing
about yourself.
You're an amazing,
thoughtful, smart,
compassionate elf.
Really?
Really.
Now, go use
some North Pole magic.
Get yourself back
to the Fitz we love.
And get your butt out of here
before Santa gets back.
Santa's here?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Okay.
Uh, about this--
You were never here.
You have the bell.
I have the bell.
Yes. Okay.
Bye, Fitzy.
When we first met,
you told me you wanted
a shot at the big time.
Well, I'd like to
give you that shot--
a truly unique opportunity
to be great.
What do you say?
Are you okay?
I-- I don't know.
[ Chuckles ]
Congratulations, Dax.
The job's yours
if you want it.
Take tonight
to think it over.
A decision this important
shouldn't be rushed, hmm?
I hope you say yes.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Knocking ]
Good morning, Harvey!
Mr. Ardwick.
It's all yours.
I mean,
True National's.
Sorry I didn't clean up.
The place is a mess.
Have a good day!
Welcome to
the North Pole, Dax!
- No jet lag.
- And no excess baggage fee.
I like.
- It's good to be here, sir.
- Oh, no, no.
"Sir" won't do at all.
If we're going to
be working together,
I insist you call me Santa.
Whatever you say, Santa.
And this must be Mrs. Claus.
Santa, you're a lucky man.
I remind him of that
every day.
You know what they say?
"Behind every great man--"
- Is a great woman.
- What?
-[ Santa ] Hmm?
-No, there's a plate of cookies.
Have one!
I'd love to,
but I just ate.
Eat... the... cookie.
That is the most amazing cookie
I have ever tasted!
You're gonna
fit right in, Dax.
Welcoming committee!
Welcome
to the North Pole.
Ho, ho.
Now, Dax, since Christmas
is just around the corner,
it's best if we
swear you in right away.
Normally, this ceremony
is far more festive,
but there's so much to do
and so little time.
It's not about the hype,
it's about the work.
Well said.
Citizens of the North Pole,
we are gathering here today
on this auspicious occasion...
to enact a most noble--
Not... so... fast.
Well.
Don't mean to interrupt.
Actually, no,
I do mean to interrupt.
- What do you want, Eleanor?
- I think we all know
exactly what I want.
Yes, but I'm afraid
I've already made
that decision.
Dax here has demonstrated
that he is perfectly capable...
of handling
the HOHOHO position.
Oh! Well, good for him,
but-- [ Clears Throat ]
"Rule Number 2701B:
Although Santa is responsible
for selecting the HOHOHO,
anyone who disagrees
with his decision may publicly
lodge an objection."
- I object.
- [ Gasping ]
"Furthermore, they are also
within their rights...
to challenge the nominee
to a single competitive event...
in which the victor
shall be duly named HOHOHO."
Can she do this?
Watch me.
I, Eleanor the elf,
formally challenges
Santa's normie nominee...
to a race at the SBC.
[ All Gasping ]
SBC? What's that?
Santa's Boot Camp.
It's a brutal obstacle course
that Santa designed...
to help prepare us
for all the challenges
that come our way.
No problem then.
I run the Cro-Magnon
every year.
Eleanor has never
been beat, ever.
Her father runs the boot camp.
He has for 85 years.
Nobody knows that place
better than her.
I'm not giving up now.
Let's do this.
It's settled then.
Fitz will guide you
through the course.
- Good luck, Dax.
- I got this.
What do I have to lose?
Everything.
[ Bird Hooting ]
Nervous?
No, but you should be.
That's what
the last guy said.
What was his name again?
Oh, yeah. Pathetic loser.
Welcome, contestants!
When this snowball
hits the ground,
begin the race.
The first elf, or person,
to complete the course wins.
If one of you does not
complete the course,
your remains
will be sent free of charge
to your loved ones.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
There will be a small fee.
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
I'm kidding again!
[ Laughing Continues ]
This is where
we're supposed to start.
After you.
[ Breathing Shakily ]
[ Exhaling ]
You're doing great.
Really great.
[ Clears Throat ]
Have you heard the story
of the tortoise and the hare?
Santa, that's a fable.
This is real life.
She's got a point there,
my dear.
Okay. I'm going
to start now!
Don't trip.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
- Oh.
- [ Dax Grunting ]
Oops.
[ Chuckling ]
Is that legal?
I don't think she cares.
Wait for me!
[ Screaming ]
Come here!
Get off me!
Get off!
[ Grunting ]
Get off me!
- [ Groaning ]
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- I may start slow,
but I finish strong.
- Ow!
That's what
I'm talking about!
Yes! That's how Mama
butters her cookies!
I mean...
"Go, Dax, go."
[ All Chanting ]
Go, Dax, go. Go, Dax, go.
Go, Dax, go!
Go, Dax, go!
I could have been
the HOHOHO.
But did they ask me?
No, no, no.
[ Laughing ]
See, that's funny.
[ Shouts ]
Who's the man?
[ All ]
Dax the man!
- I said, who's the man?
- Dax the man!
[ Ferocious Shouting ]
[ Squealing,
Chuckling ]
- [ Gasping ]
- [ Groaning ]
Oh, sugarplums!
Ooh.
[ Dax Groaning ]
Excuse me.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
[ Eleanor ]
Whoo!
[ Eleanor Laughing ]
Is this all you got,
normie?
How's it feel to be losing
to a girl, huh?
Hey, heads up.
[ All Groaning ]
Aw. Good-bye.
Good effort there.
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Laughing ]
[ All ]
Oh, no!
Tough break, normie!
Hmm.
[ Chuckling ]
- [ Bell Rings ]
- Well, that was fun
and easier than expected.
And since time
is of the essence,
I would like to be sworn in
and retrieve my father's bell,
if you please.
Billie, I'd like you
to hold on to the bell
for now.
But, Santa, that's mine.
I think it best
if you call me "sir."
You okay, son?
I'm sorry, Santa.
I let you down.
Oh, quite the contrary.
You demonstrated
all the virtues
I hold most dear.
The most important thing
is never to lose sight...
of who you are
and who you can be.
There's a great man
within you, Dax.
Don't be afraid
to let him shine.
[ Dax ]
Thank you.
[ Mrs. Claus ]
Who's hungry?
Let's get
something to eat.
I'll be there
in a minute.
Aw. That was a cute
little moment, wasn't it?
Congratulations, Eleanor.
You got what you wanted.
Some people
just never learn.
Give it a rest.
Just be nicer to Billie.
She's a great person and doesn't
deserve the way you treat her.
Oh.
You've fallen for her.
How pathetic.
Face it, normie,
you don't belong here.
This isn't your world.
Go home.
There you are.
I'm sorry, Billie.
I let everybody down,
especially you.
If anything,
I let you down.
I should have known
Eleanor was up to something.
I could have prepared you.
Doesn't matter.
What's done is done.
I guess the question is,
what now?
Well, it's gonna get
really busy around here.
I'm sure we can find you
another job.
I appreciate that,
but I think
I'm gonna go back,
find my own path,
get reacquainted
with the real Dax.
Well...
do you know what
you're gonna do?
I'm still working
that one out.
Well...
I'm sure
whatever you decide...
will be great.
See you in the morning?
Yeah. See you then.
[ Bell Rings ]
Time to go to work.
I mean, I can't really
walk the whole way there.
[ Ringing ]
Oh, mama.
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Warning Bell Dinging ]
Can't drive stick.
Okay. All right.
Let's go.
Come on. Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yes!
Did he say anything
before he left?
Just that he had urgent
business to attend to.
Am I in trouble?
Don't worry yourself.
But set the portal for
the same location, please.
Right away.
I just don't get it.
He was making
so much progress.
I thought he had changed.
That's what's
so confusing about this.
But people can be
very unpredictable, Billie.
You never know
what they'll do next.
Fitz.
Gentlemen, let's do this.
[ Crowd Shouting ]
- Lane!
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, Dax!
You just take it easy.
You lay one finger on me,
and I'm gonna sue you so fast,
it's gonna make your head spin.
Relax.
I'm not here to hurt you.
I'm here to stop you
from destroying a bunch
of kids' hopes and dreams.
Well, unless you can pull some
kind of miracle out of your hat,
I'd say this center
is out of time.
[ Chuckles ]
Look at that. You're
not even wearing a hat.
No, but I do have this.
Oh. Well, geez,
that changes everything.
I get to knock down
a building, and you get
to ring a little bell.
Oh.
[ Chuckling ]
What's going on?
Hi. Remember me?
You know, the kid
with the pathetic DNA.
Ardwick? Is that you?
I gotta give you credit--
You were almost right.
I almost amounted to nothing
because I made the mistake
of listening to you.
This guy's been
stealing from the center
since I was a kid.
He just emptied their
entire endowment and fled
to the Canary Islands.
It's true.
He stole everything!
Life is full
of disappointments.
Get used to it.
[ Man ]
Shame on you!
Make sure you transfer
all that money
back to the center.
[ Applauding ]
Nice little trick, Dax.
But tricks don't pay the rent.
That money was due today.
So, no money, no building.
Oh, you need the money now?
Watch this.
[ Laughing ]
Maybe you should
get Santa there
to help you out.
Why don't you head back
to whatever mall
you crawled out of, huh?
Take it down!
I'm afraid you're
on your own, son.
Stop! Now!
Stop right now!
Stop!
Oh!
[ Engine Stops ]
How many of you believe
in Santa Claus?
I didn't.
In fact, I didn't
believe in anything good
for the longest time.
But I'll never make
that mistake again.
Are we going to let
one man's greed destroy
something that we all--
People! People, please.
Don't listen to him.
The man's afraid
of progress.
Progress?
Tearing this down
is not progress.
Progress is
believing in our kids,
giving them a chance,
helping them find their passion.
If you believe,
stand with me.
Stand with me
right here right now!
Together, we can save
this youth center.
Don't do this,
or I will destroy you.
Knock down this building,
and your creative accounting
will become public knowledge.
Christmas wouldn't be too fun
behind bars, now, would it?
This isn't over, Dax.
The center is ours
and will always be ours!
[ Cheering ]
Way to go, Dax!
Oops.
[ Chuckling ]
What just--
How did you--
Let's just say,
it's never too late to believe
in Christmas miracles.
That has gotta be the weirdest,
coolest thing I've ever seen.
Life is full of surprises, kid.
Get used to it.
- I always knew
you were a good guy.
- Really?
No.
Don't you have
a Christmas play
to prepare for?
Thank you.
Let's go
put on a play!
[ Cheering ]
Let's go!
There you are.
In case you forgot,
I still need to be sworn in,
and there's so much--
Let me stop you
right there, Eleanor.
Sir?
We all know what a stickler
you are for the rules,
so I wanted you to be aware
of sub-rule 11A, section 411:
"In the unlikely event
of a challenge for the position
of HOHOHO,
good sportsmanship
must be exhibited...
by each competitor
at all times."
In laymen terms,
you lose, sucker!
Come on!
It was a competition!
I was a good sportsman.
I won fair and square.
I'm Santa, the one who knows
if you've been bad or good,
and you have
disqualified yourself
many times over.
Ouch.
That's gotta sting.
But I'm the only one
that qualifies.
Wrong again,
my grumpy friend.
I believe that
there is one person...
who has clearly demonstrated
all of the five
sugarplum virtues...
and then some.
You see this?
I'm doing this
because I mean you.
Me?
Her?
Why do I get the feeling
that this might have been
your plan all along?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Angry Grunt ]
I've dreamed of
being the HOHOHO.
I know.
I don't know what to say.
- Say you'll accept the job.
- Yeah. Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God!
So everything
worked out for the best.
- I guess you could say that.
- Then perhaps I could get
an early Christmas present?
Oh, you already
have it, Dax.
The most important
present of all--
the best version
of yourself.
How about the best version
of myself...
in my new car?
[ Grunts, Clicks Tongue ]
Worth a shot.
Billie.
You still mad at me
for the whole bell thing?
How can I be?
You wanted to do
something great, and you did.
For all those people.
What was that for?
Do I need a reason?
No reason needed.
You think this can work?
A normie and an elf?
I like to think
this world is full
of wonderful possibilities.
[ Squeals, Laughing ]
Merry Christmas to me.
[ Laughing ]
Closed-Captioned by
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
'Tis the season
to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
Troll the ancient
yuletide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
See the blazing yule
before us
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Strike the harp
and join the chorus
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
While I tell
of yuletide treasures
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fast away
the old year passes
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Hail the new,
ye lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Sing we joyous all together
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
Heedless of the wind
and weather
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
"Mama Claus," said Santa
"Why you look so down?
Christmas is a-comin'
And the kids
have been poutin' around
Get your gear to the sleigh
Get on your way
The boys and girls are
waitin' on Christmas Day
What's the matter with you?
Turn that frown around"
- [ Tires Screech ]
- Thank you.
Go, Santa
Ho, ho, ho
[ Santa ]
Ho, ho, ho.
I don't think
you can park there, friend.
- It's marked "handicapped."
- Thanks for pointing that out.
So go, Santa
Go, go
Not exactly bucking for
the "nice list," are you?
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Nope. Focusing on
the "rich list."
[ Chuckles ]
Go, Santa
Go, go
Mr. Ardwick?
I told you on the phone
we need more time.
Our center's director ran off
with all of our money.
I'm aware of your situation,
but I thought it might be better
if we talked face-to-face.
So you'll grant us
an extension?
Of course not.
What is your problem, dude?
You seem happy about this.
And who are you?
The muscle?
[ Clears Throat ]
We are scrambling to find some
way to cover the lease payment.
I-If only you'd let the kids
put on their Christmas play.
They have been selling
tickets all over town.
Unless you're charging
Broadway prices,
it's not even
going to make a dent.
There must be
something we can do.
Oh, there is.
Vacate the premises
by the 15th,
because that's when
the bulldozer's coming.
Don't hesitate
to call our office...
with any questions.
- But it's almost Christmas.
- I know.
You might want to take down
these decorations.
Sort of gets everyone's
hopes up, doesn't it?
I can't believe
you're doing this.
You suck!
Life's full
of disappointments, kid.
Get used to it.
Merry Christmas.
It will be for me.
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Yo, Donald!
You might want
to dye the hair.
It's a young man's business.
Will do, Ax Man.
[ Sighs ]
Jerk.
Hey, bro.
Dig the hair.
Come in and see--
You're obviously new here,
so let me explain
how things work.
It's not a big deal.
First lesson--
On the way up, treat everyone
like your best friend,
or on the way down,
they could become
your worst nightmare.
Mister--
Second lesson--
Don't interrupt.
But, sir--
What? What is it
you're trying to say, bro?
Mr. Ardwick,
I've worked here
for 16 years.
And Lane wants
to see you... bro.
Well, why didn't
you say that?
Jerk.
How'd it go, Dax?
Tell Epic Mart the property's
theirs after the 15th.
That's my man!
Dax the Ax!
Great job today.
I've learned
from the best, Lane.
Nobody can teach a shark
how to be a shark.
A shark just is.
And a shark knows
when there's blood
in the water.
Word is Peterman's out.
It's no secret
I want his position.
Yeah, about that--
What's this?
Two weeks severance.
You're fired.
[ Laughs ]
What?
Yeah, it turns out
Henderson's an even
bigger shark than you.
He's convinced us
he can do his job
and yours with no problem.
And you know what?
Just between you and me,
people don't like you very much.
People don't like me
very much?
Did I say "very much"?
People don't like you at all.
Let me get this straight.
You're giving Dax the Ax...
the ax?
[ Chuckling ]
That's a real clever way
of putting it.
Oh, I am going to miss
your sense of humor.
But it's almost Christmas.
Come on.
Like that's ever worked.
Have some dignity.
You can't do this.
I bought a house.
A house I can't afford.
Well, that was dumb.
Now please leave my office.
This is getting sad.
After years of doing
your dirty work...
and covering up
your creative accounting,
you're just gonna
throw me out?
No. I'm not
gonna throw you out.
You're a big guy.
Security!
I need you to throw
somebody out!
How about I throw you out?
Out the window.
How about that?
Take it easy, Dax.
Don't do anything
you're gonna regret.
Regret?
Oh, I'm downright giddy
about this!
No! That's it.
Oh, not only are you never
ever working here again,
but I'll see to it that
you never work anywhere again.
Don't you dare touch my signed
Super Bowl football!
I'll give you
a head start, Lane.
I suggest you use it.
[ Employees Gasping ]
Uh-oh.
Come on, bro.
I thought we were friends.
I gave you that
great career advice.
Yes, you did.
[ Grunts ]
[ Employees Gasping ]
Enjoy the ride down...
bro.
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Beeps ]
I've called six other firms.
They won't even speak to me.
That's terrible, honey.
Plus, that spineless jerk Lane
is threatening to press
assault charges.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I thought I had
that promotion in the bag.
Mm-hmm.
This was my shot
at the big time.
Don't worry, babe.
I'm gonna bounce back.
I mean,
I have to, right?
What are you doing?
Leaving you.
- What?
- Face it, we had fun.
But a smart girl knows
when to leave a sinking ship.
Who ever accused you
of being smart?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Door Opens ]
Tanya.
If you leave,
you're not coming back.
Good luck, Dax.
You're gonna need it.
You have no friends,
you're incredibly self-centered,
and you're not
a very likable person.
Yeah, well,
you dated me.
Huh.
I guess
I'm not that smart.
Women, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
She's confusing
"having no friends"
with being a "lone wolf."
Those are two very
different things.
Oh, I hear ya, pal.
Sign here.
[ Sighs ]
Hey!
What are you doing?
The company wants
their car back.
Hope the lone wolf's
got a bicycle.
No, no, no, no, no!
I can live without
the girlfriend,
but the car?
The car and I are in love!
[ Car Horn Honks ]
[ Wind Whistling ]
[ Barking ]
[ Man's Voice ]
T-minus 10, nine,
eight, seven--
What are you looking at?
And you-- You beat me once,
but I'm taking you down!
You hear me?
I'm taking you down!
Can I help you?
Uh-- Hey, uh--
Nice night, huh?
Well, for some of us.
- But you--
You don't look so good.
- It's been a rough week.
Is that why you're out here
in the middle of the night
yelling at a building?
Nah, this place is--
Why are you here?
Maybe I was
looking for you.
I appreciate the compliment,
but I play for the other--
No, Dax.
I thought you might need
someone to talk to.
How would you know that?
How did you know my name?
I'm Santa.
[ Scoffs ]
Now just humor me, son.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas.
Let's see. Hmm?
I have no car,
no money, no job,
no friends.
How about a pony, Santa?
No, I'm serious, Dax.
What would it take to turn this
whole thing around for you?
Doesn't matter.
My life is screwed.
Why would you say that?
I repeat--
I have no money,
no friends, no jobs.
Nothing! Nothing is
going to fix this!
You never know.
It's never too late
to be the person you should be.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
You should put that
in one of those
self-help books.
"Fake Santa's False Hopes."
Never heard that one before.
[ Man ]
Merry Christmas!
[ Excited Chatter ]
[ Woman ]
I need more tape.
Who's hungry?
[ Workers ]
I am!
One more.
[ Beeps ]
Come on, Santa.
Your form is sloppy.
Back straight,
chin up, knees high.
Let's go. Let's go.
You certainly know
how to keep me in line,
don't you, Billie?
Well, it's my job to make sure
you can do your job properly.
Let's go.
One more.
Aye-aye,
my round-eared friend.
Oh, by the way,
I received some
very disappointing news
yesterday.
Did your cholesterol tests
come back?
Ho-ho. No.
I got a letter of resignation
from the Head Office Herald
of Holiday Operations.
Twixel's resigning?
What? He's been the HOHOHO
for almost 200 years.
I know.
Apparently, he doesn't
believe he can do his job
effectively anymore.
His mind's getting
a little-- mmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Last night, he accidently
turned my sleigh...
into a breakfast burrito.
No, I did not eat it.
Uh-huh.
Could have fooled me.
[ Both Chuckling ]
So what are we
gonna do now?
Well, I need to select
a new HOHOHO, and soon.
It's awfully close
to crunch time,
and without
my little helper--
I bet I know who's dying
to be appointed.
[ Together ]
Eleanor.
As Twixel's daughter,
she seems to believe...
that the position
is hers for the taking.
But ultimately,
the decision is mine.
I'm looking for someone
who not only has the
distribution genius of Amazon,
but also truly embodies
the five sugarplum virtues.
Hmm?
A cool head.
Humility.
Cooperative nature.
Inspirational spirit.
And, of course,
the fifth
and most important--
A kind soul.
Exactly.
Now I do have
someone in mind.
Who?
I've been looking into this
particular fellow lately.
I have a very good feeling
about him.
He could really
shake things up
around here.
And he's got
a very good understanding
of what people want...
because he's one of them.
One of who?
He's a normie.
A normie?
As the HOHOHO?
That's insane.
Well, maybe a little.
Which is why
I need to make sure
he's got what it takes.
So I need someone
to test him out for me.
Hmm?
See, I'm doing this
because I mean you.
I know you mean me.
But I can't do that, Santa.
Sure, you can.
All you need to do is determine
if he's got the qualities
I'm looking for...
without letting him know
who you are or why you're there.
Oh, is that all?
No.
Then you need to convince him
to leave his normie life
at home...
and move to the North Pole.
Piece of cake.
Santa, I can't.
I just can't.
I have a lot of faith
in you, Billie.
You are incredibly clever.
And you'll have
no trouble at all
fitting in over there.
Because-- Well, yes.
Because that's
what makes you special.
Here.
Take this with you.
Twixel's bell?
Only use North Pole magic
when you absolutely have to.
We must be very careful
what we do in their world.
I don't know
what to say.
Say you'll give it
your best shot.
That's all I can ask.
Who wants cookies?
Oh-ho.
No, no, no, Mrs. C.
We just finished a workout.
Perfect time for a reward.
I can't have my man
wasting away to nothing.
There, skinny.
Take a few for later.
Mm-hmm.
That's my man.
Hmm?
[ Scoffs ]
No.
Oh, Billie.
I really don't feel like
a cookie right now, Mrs. Claus.
Oh, it's not cookies
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh.
I know what's going on
between you and Mr. Claus.
Mrs. Claus, I love your husband,
but I would never--
[ Laughing ]
Oh! No, silly.
I meant, I wanted to talk
about the HOHOHO position.
What do you mean?
I know you're disappointed that
you're not being considered.
No, I--
But you have to know
how much we value you here.
Santa picked you
to see if the normie...
had the particulars
he's looking for...
because he trusts you
completely.
Thank you for saying that,
but I would never have assumed--
And there's another beautiful
quality we love about you.
Santa's pretty good at matching
the person to the task.
I've noticed.
He's pretty cute too.
[ Giggling ]
Yeah.
Safe travels, my dear.
Thanks, Mrs. Claus.
Oh! Please call me--
well... Mrs. Claus.
[ Chuckles ]
The Peppermint Portal
is almost ready
for your journey.
Unfortunately,
we lost an elf yesterday,
but I think
we're okay now.
- Are you serious?
- Of course not!
I've transported
1,100 elves,
and almost all of them
have come back safe.
Kidding again!
[ Laughs ]
You're in good hands.
Hop on.
And just where
are you off to?
That's really none
of your business, Eleanor.
Oh, but it will be,
once I become the new HOHOHO.
[ Softly ]
Don't hold your breath.
- What was that?
- I said you're so blessed.
Don't get smart with me,
round ears.
Santa may take pity on you,
but I know what you really are.
- A freak.
- Oh, yeah?
Tell that to Rudolph.
[ Laughs ]
Burn.
Because Rudolph is--
At your service, ma'am.
Rudolph at least made
something of himself.
What are you?
A trainer
and a dateless wonder.
As much as I'm enjoying
this stimulating dialogue--
Fitzy.
[ Portal Opening ]
[ Bells Jingling ]
So, Fitzy, where's she going?
Uh, that is privileged
transporter and transportee
information.
And the chances of you
getting that information
from me...
are zero...
as my tolerance for pain
is extremely high.
Right. Right.
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, what-what was
the question?
[ Snoring ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
What?
[ Knocking ]
Go away!
[ Ringing Continues ]
[ Knocking Continues ]
Not here.
[ Knocking ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
What?
Mr. Ardwick.
I'm Harvey Ward from
True National Mortgage.
We've been having
a hard time reaching you.
That's 'cause I don't answer
the phone when you call.
That would explain it.
Well, anyway, it's my duty
to inform you that unless your
debts are settled immediately,
we will be foreclosing
on your house.
How long do I have?
At this point,
it's really a matter
of getting the paperwork done.
I strongly suggest
you find a new place to live
as soon as possible.
But it's almost Christmas.
My favorite time of year.
Which means they'll probably
want to get the paperwork
finished way before then.
You might want
to face the facts,
Mr. Ardwick.
You've been living
well beyond your means
for quite a while,
and now you're screwed.
[ Lock Clicks ]
Merry Christmas.
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
Really?
Gotta hand it to you, Harv.
You are one pain in the a--
Well, hello there.
- Dax Ardwick?
- Absolutely.
- May I come in?
- Absolutely.
You'll have to excuse my attire.
You caught me on a day off.
From what?
Cleaning?
- [ Chuckles ]
That's very funny, Miss--
- Billie is fine.
Billie is fine.
Did you just--
I did not.
Look, you're probably
more bad news,
but you are by far
the best-looking bad news
I've seen all week.
Mr. Ardwick,
I represent a certain...
high-profile individual...
who has asked me to approach you
about an extremely important
position...
which needs to be
filled immediately.
Somebody wants to hire me?
I mean--
I'm currently fielding
other offers,
but I could always listen
to what you have to say.
So you're a headhunter?
Something like that.
And what type of job
is it exactly?
The position would be directly
under the boss himself.
So vice president?
I guess you could say that.
Nice!
Who's the boss?
I can't say.
What type of
business is it?
I can't say.
Will there be
stock options?
I can't say.
What can you say?
My employer is...
different than what
you're probably used to.
If you want this position,
you're going to have
to prove yourself first.
Prove myself? How?
He sent me here
to see if you have
the traits he requires.
So I'll put you through
a series of tests,
and if you impress me,
then I would provide you
with the information necessary.
I get it.
It's usually those big time,
eccentric bosses...
that like all this secrecy
and hurdle-jumping stuff.
Is this guy
single-name famous?
You could definitely say that.
Then you definitely
have my attention.
Okay. Let's get started.
Now?
Is that going
to be a problem?
Well, I'll have to
make some calls,
rearrange my schedule--
Put on some pants.
Put on some pants.
[ Rock ]
High above the clouds
I hear sleigh bells
Please tell me
this isn't a company car.
It's very efficient.
Efficiency is important
to this job.
Of course. Yeah.
I like this car.
Where are you from?
Up north.
Okay.
Your first test is to show me
how you handle conflicts,
solve problems
and use your
negotiation skills...
while maintaining
an even temper.
So it's a series of challenges
for an important position.
Of course.
It's got The Donald
written all over it.
It's Trump.
You work for Trump,
right?
Wrong.
[ Dax ]
You might not want
to stop here.
This isn't the friendliest
of neighborhoods.
I want you to go inside
and tell them you dinged
one of their bikes.
No, seriously.
We should leave.
Once you reach
a peaceful resolution,
you can come out
and show them
there's no damage.
I'll be waiting.
There's no way
I'm doing that.
They'll kill me.
Not if you have the skills
needed for the job
we're offering.
Remember,
cooler heads prevail.
Or I could just tell my boss
that you're pursuing one
of your many other offers.
If I'm not back in five,
call the paramedics.
Oh, and wear this.
Why?
Because I said so.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Man ]
Yeah, man!
[ Bottles Rattling ]
[ Speakers: Rock ]
[ Chattering ]
Uh, hi.
What is that
on your head?
I'm not really sure.
Look, I hate
to tell you this, but--
Man, that hat is really
freaking me out.
- Yeah, why would you wear
something like that?
- Good question.
Forget about the hat.
Look, I, uh--
I dinged
one of your bikes.
[ Man ]
What'd he say?
You came in here
to tell us that?
I'd like to think
it was really
responsible of me.
Oh, yeah,
we really appreciate it.
You know, people aren't
so honest these days.
Oh.
And by "honest,"
you know,
I mean "stupid."
[ Man #2 ]
Yeah.
Okay, let's talk this out.
Resolve our conflicts.
Let cooler heads prevail.
[ Bikers Murmuring ]
Is that cool enough
for ya?
Bad joke. This is just
some sort of test
that I have to--
Shut up, weird hat.
Guys, take it easy.
I'm just gonna go,
if that's okay.
Not before you pay
the face tax.
Oh, not the face.
Peanuts?
Why'd you do that?
I was hoping you had
a peanut allergy.
Aaah! No. No, no.
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Guys, guys.
Let's be reasonable adults
here, all right?
Whoa! Whoa.
Don't make me use this.
Maybe you're looking
for a new member?
I love your goatee.
[ Groans ]
Uh-oh.
Oh, no. No.
Hi.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bell Ringing ]
Boys.
Don't want to be
on the naughty list, do you?
Not a particularly
impressive beginning.
Hey, they started it.
It's not about who starts it,
it's about not trying
to finish it.
You have to learn
to control your temper.
That part of the job?
Turning the other cheek
when a bunch of bikers
are about to rearrange my face?
It's a part of any job.
Don't fight.
Are you kidding me?
My life was in danger.
- I would never have let
something happen to you.
- Oh, I feel better already.
Five angry bikers against--
What are you, like, 90 pounds?
Wait a minute.
How did I get out
of that place anyway?
That's not important.
Okay, we need to focus
on the next test.
Unless you're
wimping out on me.
I... don't... wimp.
Good.
Hey. Why the hat?
Because I knew it would
throw you off your game.
And I thought
it would be funny.
Oh. You do have
a sense of humor.
I was beginning
to wonder.
Well.
You know,
I just realized,
you don't have a single
Christmas decoration in here.
Not one.
Christmas isn't exactly
my favorite time of year.
Are you serious?
When I was growing up,
the other kids would
decorate trees,
carol with their family,
open presents
on Christmas Day.
Me, not so much.
I can't remember
the last time
I got a present.
Cuban!
It's got a whole Cuban-y vibe.
The whole "trial by fire" thing.
Am I right?
I'm afraid not.
Let's just move on
to the next task.
Wait.
One last question.
Why me?
I'm still trying
to figure that one out.
Well, when you do
figure it out,
let me know.
I'm going
to take a shower.
Fine.
[ Sighs ]
Fitzy?
What are you doing here?
And why are you
dressed like Santa?
- Where am I?
- Between the poles.
- Why are you here?
- This? This is
between the poles?
I mean, I've been sending
elves back and forth
for almost 50 years,
and I've never actually
taken the journey myself.
I didn't think
it was safe.
Kidding. Sort of.
I rang for Santa.
Ah.
Well, I was adjusting
the teleportation frequency
capacitance...
and, well, one thing
led to another...
and here I am.
And why are you
wearing Santa's clothes?
Why do you think--
These aren't Santa's.
Okay, fine.
Sometimes when Santa
goes to sleep,
I put on
one of his shirts.
And his hat.
And his hat.
And-And then I--
I sit behind his desk
and I imagine...
what it would be like to--
to bring so much joy
to all those children.
Fitz.
Am I in trouble?
Your secret is safe with me,
but don't ever--
I-- I promise.
I will never transport
another Frappuccino.
Kidding!
[ Chuckles ]
Santa's clothes
are his own. Duh!
Mm, okay.
Later, Fitzy.
He's one of a kind,
isn't he?
- You knew?
- Santa knows.
Does Santa also know that
Dax is never gonna qualify
for this job?
Why would you say that?
He doesn't possess one
of the five qualities
you're looking for.
Billie, he just started.
But two minutes ago he said,
"Christmas isn't exactly
my favorite time of year."
- Yes, but--
- And he must have read
my mind when he asked me,
"Why me?"
[ Scoffs ]
It just doesn't
make any sense.
Maybe instead of
wondering why him,
you should be asking,
"Why not him?"
I can think of a dozen reasons.
Santa, why did you choose him?
Sometimes making the choice
that makes the least sense
makes the most sense.
Um, not helping.
Billie, when you give
good people possibility,
they do great things.
Please speak to me
in simple North Pole lingo.
Billie, the truth about
human character...
will always reveal itself.
I think inside Dax...
is a man
of great character.
Hmm?
Now, if you don't mind--
[ Yawning ]
I'm going to go off to bed
because I'm sleepy.
[ Portal Whooshing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman ]
They'll fill our stockings
up with
The love in our hearts
Our Christmas tree
will be
A great big work of art
Please tell me
I don't have to wear the hat.
You don't have to
wear the hat.
Is my life going to be
in danger again?
You don't have to
wear the hat.
[ Heavy Sigh ]
Is this about cooking?
Because I can do that
with my eyes closed.
- Impressive.
- I know.
You ever heard the expression,
"True humility is not
thinking less of yourself...
but thinking of
yourself less"?
That wasn't exactly
on my yearbook page.
Yeah, apparently.
Your potential
future employer...
finds humility to be
an important character asset.
Put this on.
What, so I can
amuse you again?
Nope.
It's required this time.
Mmm! Looks good.
[ Dax ]
Humility? What does this
have to do with humility?
Oh.
Try it.
Mmm.
Good, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, hey.
[ Giggles ]
[ Funk ]
[ Children Shouting ]
[ Man ]
Izya funkin'
Baby, izya funkin'
Uh, izya funkin'
Baby, izya funkin'
I, izya funkin'
Baby, izya
It's Maynard the Monkey!
Dance, monkey, dance!
I said dance!
Baby, dance
Show me your moves
Come on and give up
your stuff, girl
You don't know
how much I love you
I love your style
I can't get enough
This monkey sucks.
[ Children Exclaiming ]
Go on
[ Billie ]
Dax!
Go down to the disco
So we can boogie
all night long
[ Children Laughing ]
Izya funkin'
Get the monkey in three!
One, two, three!
[ Grunts ]
Baby, izya funkin' tonight
[ Blows Landing ]
I want the Lion's Share
chicken fingers plate
with mayo and mustard.
Extra spicy. Got it?
[ Bell Dings ]
Share chicken tenders,
extra spicy, not too--
It doesn't matter.
Just pick one.
Rhino Fries
with extra cheese,
no onions.
I need Rhino Fries,
extra cheese, onions--
Wait. Make that
extra onions,
no cheese.
[ Bell Dings ]
Just load it up!
Stop! No!
Ow! Ow!
Mix all the sodas
into one cup
but not with ginger ale.
[ Bell Ringing ]
One extra-large soda.
Because that makes me puke.
Like, bad.
[ Bell Dings ]
Mix them all together.
[ Tree Laughing ]
[ Dinging Continues ]
What are you so happy about?
[ Dinging Rapidly ]
[ Groaning ]
Ow!
I think I like
the birthday boy.
I want him
to be my boyfriend.
Then you should
talk to him.
Are you crazy?
[ Groans ]
I should just punch him.
He'll get the hint.
Oh!
Monkey,
I think there was
ginger ale in that drink.
I don't feel so good.
[ Stomach Growling ]
[ Retching ]
[ Children Exclaiming ]
[ Retching Continues ]
[ Cheering ]
- Anything else?
- You're supposed to call me
"Your Highness."
Anything else,
Your Highness?
Hey, don't be mad at me 'cause
you have to dress like a monkey
and do whatever I say.
That's about your messed up
life choices.
- [ Burps ]
- [ Children Laughing ]
What's that say
on your cake?
Huh?
[ All Gasping ]
[ Murmuring ]
[ Man ]
How can you do that to a child?
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Murmuring Continues ]
I mean--
Birthday food fight!
[ Children Shouting ]
[ Hip-hop ]
[ Man Rapping ]
And call the cops
We ain't goin' to stop
to the body rock
To the hip-hop
you don't stop
And sure enough this beat
would be the sure shock
And if your party gettin' hot
we call the cops
Yo, I'm doin' my thing
You can't complain
'Cause when it
comes to hip-hop
we pop the champagne
There ain't nothin'
like hip-hop music
Emcees and deejays
choose it
I stay true to the crew
How do you like
my life choices now, kid?
I like 'em!
You rock!
Every day is
how we do's it
I got the beats
and the rhymes
with the cool kids
I put your body on the floor
Girl, move it
'Cause it ain't nothin'
like hip-hop music
- Happy birthday, little dude!
- Hip-hop music
What was that about?
It's called
"thinking on your feet."
Impressed?
That you came up with something
to cover up for the problem
you created in the first place?
Well, when you
put it like that.
Your temper is becoming
an issue of concern.
Hey, for the record,
I didn't fight
one single kid.
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, my God. Really?
You're not even taking
this seriously at all.
Billie.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, really.
But you've got to
cut me some slack.
I'm doing all this
without any guarantees.
I'm not exactly
in my comfort zone.
Well, you did manage
to keep focus on the job
you needed to do,
regardless of your...
humiliating outfit.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Chuckles ]
I'll admit the birthday boy
really had it coming.
I know, right?
Yeah. Okay, fine.
I'll give you this one.
Now go get out of
that ridiculous costume
and meet me back here.
Hug?
Go.
Go! Don't--
[ Chuckles ]
What a joke.
So you're my competition.
Pitiful.
Pitiful?
I thought I nailed it.
Do they really have
elves in the jungle?
Do you really think
you're more qualified
for the job than me?
I don't think--
Yes, you don't think.
Because if you did,
you'd realize this job
belongs to me.
I've been trained of this
my entire life.
Now that's pitiful.
I just put the suit on
and winged it.
Yeah, you can tell.
This used to be
my dad's job,
and I'm not about to
let some outsider take
what's rightfully mine.
Come on.
Who are we
kidding here?
I mean, look at these stupid
costumes they make us wear.
What?
I thought the monkey thing
was bad, but-- [ Groans ]
Wait. Stop trying to confuse me
with your normie logic, okay?
Normie logic?
Why are you so con--
[ Sighs ]
I will fight to the death
to become the new--
Monkey?
You might want to set some
higher goals for yourself.
Look, I will leave
your dad's suit
in here for you, okay?
Oh. One word of advice--
If it gets
out of hand out there,
just start a food fight.
Works every time.
Oh! Some kid puked big time
near the Lava Slide.
You might want
to grab a bucket.
[ Scoffs ]
Oh!
Oh, okay.
[ Eleanor ] You have got
to be kidding me.
Eleanor.
I just met your
normie-slash-monkey.
Tell me, do you really think
that poor excuse for a human...
can compete
with the likes of me?
This is official
Santa business.
Take it up with him
if you have a problem.
A normie can't be
the HOHOHO.
It's simply not possible.
There's nothing in the rules
that says he can't.
I'll be looking into
these so-called rules.
Believe you me.
"Believe you me."
I heard that, round ears.
Enjoy these next few days,
because when I become
the new HOHOHO,
I'm going to make
your life a living hell.
[ Man ]
I'm looking up
'Cause, baby,
I've been down
I'm looking up
I'm tired of being
yoked down
[ Women ] Ooh
This seems like
a Google thing.
Or maybe that Musk guy.
He's always got weird ideas.
Am I getting warmer?
No.
- Bezos?
- No.
- Gates?
- No. Stop guessing.
- All right, fine.
Zuckerberg?
- [ Scoffs ]
I'm tenacious.
You got to give me that.
[ Chuckles ]
"Tenacious" is a big word
for a monkey man.
[ Cell Phone Chimes ]
[ Beeping ]
Give me a sec.
Mr. Ardwick, it's Harvey
from True National Mortgage.
Great news!
Well, for us anyway.
We've managed to expedite
your paperwork.
Hope you find
a new place to live,
because the next time
you see me--
[ Beeps ]
I'm looking up
Yeah, yeah
- Want to talk about it?
- Not really.
- Can I get you
a drink or something?
- No, I... should probably go.
Big day tomorrow.
Last chance to see
if you've got what it takes.
- But no pressure.
- Oh, no.
There's tons of pressure.
[ Both Chuckle ]
You should smile more.
It makes you even prettier.
- Can I ask you something?
- Shoot.
Do you really think I'm--
I mean,
you keep saying that--
You use these words--
Like "beautiful"?
'Cause you might be
the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
No, I'm being serious.
So am I.
You don't think my--
My ears are too--
Too what?
Adorable?
[ Sighs ]
I need to go!
[ Gasps ]
This is...
completely unprofessional.
[ Clattering ]
Oh! That's not a door.
Um--
Thank you...
for the words.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
[ Rock Ballad ]
[ Man ]
There is a feeling
This time of the season
Look, about last night--
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm just going to
focus on my job,
which is making sure
you're the right person
for your job.
But--
Drop it. Okay?
This next test is about
inspiring others.
Getting people to follow
your lead willingly
and enthusiastically.
So, like,
motivational speaking?
That's part of it.
It's also about representing
yourself in a way...
that makes people
want to better themselves.
Branson!
It's got to be Richard Branson.
I guessed it, didn't I?
You did guess,
and you'd be wrong.
Again.
This isn't going
to involve kids,
is it?
Quite the opposite.
Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
To you, baby
[ Woman On TV ]
Good, honey.
Believe me, I will never
get in that car again.
[ Snoring ]
[ Man ] It's your fault
there's no romance.
[ Woman ] Why are you crying?
[ Woman #3 ] I just can't
handle this right now.
It's really too stressful.
[ Woman #2 ]
My heart's racing. We're
in the middle of the road.
I don't know what to do.
It's just too much for me.
I'm getting my bag--
[ Woman #3 ]
Where are you going?
Maddy, no!
If you want to walk, Maddy,
you need the exercise.
So you better get walking.
[ Maddy ]
I need the exercise?
[ Woman ]
Everybody in the car!
Did I hurt-- break your nose?
Did I hurt your nose?
Do you--
[ Maddy ]
Oh, yeah, cellulite!
These legs make so much money.
- Last year--
- I need to exercise?
Lauren needs to get these
girls back in the car.
[ Clattering ]
[ Man ]
This is about you
not accepting responsibility.
[ Snoring ]
[ Chattering ]
I just want to go, and I want
to get to the next town.
I'm really stressed out.
How's everyone
doing this morning?
[ Woman #2 ]
Maddy, come out
and tell me!
You're beating
around the bush.
Maddy, please.
Just do this for me.
I said, how's everyone
doing this morning?
Is this a commercial?
You're blocking the TV.
[ Woman #2 ]
We're not talking!
We're not gonna talk--
I'm gonna need everyone
to focus on me
for just a few minutes.
This is a long,
boring commercial.
Can we fast forward?
All right. My name is Dax
and I'm here to get
your bodies movin'!
Physical fitness
is extremely important
for people of all ages.
Now, if I can get you all
to stand up.
Those of you
that can stand up.
Take your shirt off!
Ma'am, please.
I'm trying to demonstrate
that I can inspire--
But I can't hear you
with your shirt on.
We're going to start
with a few simple stretches--
- I say take your shirt off,
and I'll think about it.
- [ Chuckling ]
Fine. Fine.
Oh!
[ Chuckling ]
- Now will you stand up?
- Didn't I hire you
for Rose's 90th?
I think you were dressed
as a policeman.
- No, I-I don't--
- You're prettier
if you don't talk.
What's going on?
Is this a strip club?
Come on.
Shake it, Magic Mike.
This is ridiculous.
Whoo! Whoo!
This isn't proving
anything.
I know I can lead.
Knowing and doing are two
totally different things.
I think I'd rather
go back to the kids.
If you can't get five followers,
you're never gonna be able
to inspire hundreds.
I'd be in charge
of hundreds?
Not at this rate.
- Maybe she should
take her shirt off.
- Zip it!
Now can you stop
being a quitter,
get back over there
and show me how to do this?
[ Beeps, Steady Beat ]
You forgotten something,
Mr. Sexy Pants?
This ain't no jingle bells
In fact, I did, ma'am.
I forgot how happy it would
make me if you joined me
in a few exercises.
Th-The time of year
Would you please
do me the honor?
Well.
[ Chuckling ]
Well, I-- I'm not
promising anything.
How 'bout we just
twist the hips?
All right, yeah. There you go.
Back and forth. That's it.
There you go.
I'll dance
with the naked man!
She can walk!
Okay, now,
let's move our arms
on three.
One, two, three.
[ Stereo: Man Rapping ]
Hey.
Here we go! All right!
Now let's raise the roof!
Why? What's the matter
with the roof?
Nothing. The roof's fine!
Now if I can get
my pretty little friend
here to join us.
Ah!
[ Laughs ]
Impressed?
Oh, it's not a total failure.
Keep it going now
all night long
We all up, up
We all up, up
We all up
in the Christmas club
We all up, up
We all up
Who's this trollop?
In the Christmas club
[ Man ]
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
So, only one more test,
and that's it?
The job's mine?
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves. We have to
see how you do first.
Then weigh that with your
previous performances.
And you're telling me
all this is gonna be
worth the effort?
This job provides
rewards that are...
immeasurable.
I like the sound of that.
This last test isn't
gonna be easy though.
Wait, the others
were supposed to be easy?
Think of them
as a warm-up.
Now I'm gonna need you
to show me the very best
version of yourself.
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Does that place mean
something to you?
Just a business deal.
It's none of my business
anymore.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
And sing a sleighing song
tonight
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
Dax,
we have a problem.
You're falling for me,
and it scares you?
Please. Give it a rest.
I thought I had one of those
roadside assistance cards.
Hey, where'd you
find that stuff?
In the car.
Do you want me to figure out
how to put that thing on?
No. It's fine.
But it's a man's job.
Where I'm from,
we don't differentiate
between male and female.
We work together, as equals.
I knew it!
I knew you weren't
from here.
There's something different
about you, Billie.
I've dated a lot of women.
[ Creaking ]
- Obviously.
I mean, look at me.
- Off the car!
But you--
you seem--
I don't know.
You operate at a different
rhythm than any girl
I've ever met.
It's like you're
from a different planet
or something.
A beautiful planet.
Um, same planet.
I don't know
anything about you.
- I--
- I don't even know
your last name.
I assume you have a last name,
or are you like Pink?
All right.
What do you want to know?
For starters,
what's your last name?
It's, uh, Gene?
Billie's last name
is Gene?
Yeah.
You must have been
really teased when
that song came out.
What song?
The Mi--
Doesn't matter.
Next question-- Do you
have a man in your life?
Uh, it didn't work out.
What happened?
Um, the usual.
Yeah. Let me guess.
He said,
"It's not you, it's me."
Or was it,
"You're too good for me.
I'll just hold you back."
Or my favorite,
"We had fun.
But a smart girl knows when
to leave a sinking ship."
- That's mean.
- Yeah, I thought it was.
- Any more questions?
- Yeah.
How long's this gonna take?
I'm hungry.
[ Man ]
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
[ Billie Gasps ]
A hot dog cart!
I gotta have one.
- Do you want?
- No, thanks.
I'm gonna stretch,
get some feeling back
in my legs.
Holy infant
[ Man Coughing,
Groaning ]
Hello?
[ Groaning Continues ]
[ Coughs ]
All right.
Keep sleeping it off, alkie.
I'm not drunk.
[ Grunts ]
[ Bottles Clattering ]
I've been mugged.
No, no, no.
What is it?
My great-great-grandfather's
ring.
I was to have passed it down
to my son on his birthday.
I don't care about
the money at all,
but that ring--
that ring was priceless
to me.
You need me to call
the cops or anything?
I-I'll manage.
Thank you for stopping.
Not many
would've done so.
Sure you're okay?
Yes, thank you.
Ooh, yeah.
It's not my problem.
[ Singsongy ]
It's not my problem.
[ Sighs ]
Hey.
- What do you want?
- Keep the wallet.
Just give me the ring, okay?
- Is he for real?
- Totally real.
I'd really like
that ring back.
What are you
gonna do about it?
Do you really
want to find out?
Fine.
Whatever, man.
The thing's super ugly anyway.
I got something
for you.
Oh, but how?
Found it on the ground
over there.
Thank you. Thank you.
Don't worry about it.
It's no big deal.
I won't forget this.
Tell your son
happy birthday.
Come on, let's get
to that last test.
That will not
be necessary.
You just passed it.
I did?
My boss places a lot of value
on special acts of kindness,
especially toward strangers.
Wait a minute.
Does that mean you're--
Impressed? Yes, Dax.
I'm impressed.
Does that mean
I got the job?
It means you qualify
for the job.
The final decision
is up to the boss himself.
What was his name again?
Nice try.
[ Engine Starts ]
To Dax,
who's come a long way
in a short time.
Thanks.
Just tell me this--
Is it a Fortune 500 company?
Dax.
NASDAQ? New York stock exchange?
Dax.
It's Murdoch, isn't it?
No.
Come on. Just tell me.
It's Santa.
Sorry. What is it?
Your new boss is Santa.
Santa Claus.
[ Chuckles ]
Good one.
Who is it, really?
It's really Santa Claus.
Kriss Kringle.
St. Nicholas himself.
Billie, why are you--
The woman you met at
the birthday party--
She's your competition.
She is an elf.
Oh, this story just
gets better and better.
Come on! Stop joking.
I'm dead serious.
Okay.
Look, I understand
this is really hard
for you to believe.
Hard to believe?
Did Lane put you up to this?
Is this some sort of prank?
No, Santa put me up to this.
He wanted to make sure
you qualified
for the position.
Santa put--
What position?
The vice president of Christmas?
Ho, ho, ho! Very funny!
Dax, haven't you ever heard
of "Santa's little helper"?
The dog from The Simpsons?
It's a nickname
for the Head Office Herald
of Holiday Operations.
It's the second
most important job
in the North Pole.
Of course! Yeah.
I suppose next you're gonna
tell me you're an elf.
Yeah, I am.
Sure, you are.
Yeah. A tall elf!
And where's your
pointy ears, huh?
Okay, you know what?
Elves come in all different
shapes and sizes,
just like normies do.
Normies?
And my ears aren't pointed
because...
I was born
with a genetic defect.
It's rare, but it happens.
Billie-- if that's even
your name-- look around.
The bank's gonna
take all of this.
I don't have a plan "B."
I believed there was a job
because I had to believe it.
I'm not lying.
There is a job,
and it's a great one.
As the HOHOHO.
Oh! Up in the North Pole?
Surrounded by gumdrops
and gingerbread men?
Yes.
Wow! How did I--
How did I not see this coming?
You need to calm down.
Calm down? Calm down?
Do not make me use this.
A bell?
You're gonna threaten me
with a bell?
Don't you get it?
My life is over!
[ Rings ]
Don't talk.
Don't think.
If we are going
to get anywhere,
you're going to have to
start listening to me...
because I have a lot
of things to tell you,
okay?
Cheer up, Dax.
Go to your happy place.
I don't have a happy place.
I don't have a job.
I don't have money.
I don't have anything!
There's a lot more
where that came from.
[ Rings ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
You might want
to get that.
[ Groans ]
Oops.
Evening, Dax.
Wait. I know you.
You're the guy
from the youth center.
I am.
May I come in?
I knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that you were my man...
when you got that ring
back for me.
Wait. That was you too?
[ Different Voice ]
I won't forget this.
So freaky.
As Billie said,
"You've come a long way."
And that--
that little bell thingy
did all that?
North Pole magic
is what powers Christmas, Dax.
It can do almost anything.
I still don't understand.
Out of all the people
in the world, why me?
Come with me,
and I'll show you.
You remember this place,
don't you?
Hope Springs Youth Center.
You spent a lot of time
in this building.
Parents weren't around much.
I hung around here more
than I did at home.
I think it's safe to say you
were a bit of a troublemaker
before you started coming here.
This building
had quite an effect
on you, didn't it?
Come on.
Let's take a look.
Three months of rehearsals
down the drain...
because somebody thought
he needed the money...
more than us.
Dax Ardwick.
I didn't take it.
Well, the only people
who had access to it
were you, Tommy and Mike.
They both
have airtight alibis,
leaving only one
other possibility.
You.
I didn't do it.
I love this play.
I love this place.
Says the dirt-poor kid
who actually asked
to be treasurer...
of the Christmas show
charity fund?
Come on.
You can all go.
Thanks a lot.
Way to ruin it
for the rest of us.
Guys, it wasn't me.
If Tommy and Mike
didn't do it,
and I know
I didn't do it,
that means you did.
I know.
[ Laughing ]
Good luck proving that,
Sherlock.
Who's gonna believe you?
I've seen punks like you
come and go, and they always
amount to nothing,
no matter how hard
they try to rise above
their pathetic DNA.
Why are you
doing this to me?
[ Sighs ]
Life's full
of disappointments, kid.
Get used to it.
It's the same jerk
that just stole
the center's money.
And your compassion
for others.
That was the moment
you stopped trusting
other people,
became closed off
and started caring
only about yourself.
The center said they wouldn't
press charges if I agreed to
leave and never come back.
So I did.
I know.
I learned a very valuable
lesson that day.
People are only
gonna let you down.
Well, turns out
that lesson...
became a significant loss
to the rest of the world.
What do you mean?
If you had kept your heart
open to others,
you would have
realized your dream
and become an astronaut.
Dax Ardwick would have
become a household name.
You would have made millions
in product endorsements.
Whether orbiting the Earth
or walking around the block,
I always start my day
with Dax Flax.
Stay healthy.
Travel strong.
With Flax from Dax.
You would have met
a wonderful woman,
had two beautiful children.
[ Laughing ]
You would have used
the science of zero gravity...
and discovered a cure
for the common cold.
[ Monitor Beeping ]
Oh, yeah.
And for a couple of weeks,
you would've been a greeter
at a famous clothing store.
How's your day going?
You were capable
of amazing things, Dax,
because you used to believe
that anything was possible.
That's my life?
Mm-hmm.
Use your North Pole magic
to give me that life!
Oh, I can't.
It ceased to exist...
when you closed yourself off
and stopped caring about others.
So...
it's too late?
It's never too late
to make a new start,
to find your best self.
Hmm?
[ Water Splashing ]
Well! Th-That's my face.
And you know
what they say?
When in Rome,
do as the normies do.
How does this guy
figure out what to wear?
Ugh. This normie life
is complicated.
[ Up-tempo
Instrumental Intro ]
Whoo!
Yeah.
She's got her girlfriends
on the phone
Saying, "Don't be late"
Fitz?
She shows up before
the band
'Cause she just can't wait
- What happened
to your beard?
- Well, I thought--
Where are your elf clothes,
and what are you doing here?
That is a good question.
That is actually
two good questions.
Is that Dax's shirt?
Hmm?
And tie?
And sunglasses?
Fitz, why... are...
you... here?
Where is your beard?
Why are you wearing
Dax's clothes?
Because Dax is
a pretty incredible guy.
Maybe he is.
Oh, I know he is.
Turns out we have way more
in common that I thought.
I transport elves
across space.
He's always wanted
to travel through space
as an astronaut.
Plus, he used to work
at a youth center,
bringing hope and joy
to all those children,
only he did it all year round.
We have very similar stuff.
Fitz.
Do not change one thing
about yourself.
You're an amazing,
thoughtful, smart,
compassionate elf.
Really?
Really.
Now, go use
some North Pole magic.
Get yourself back
to the Fitz we love.
And get your butt out of here
before Santa gets back.
Santa's here?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Okay.
Uh, about this--
You were never here.
You have the bell.
I have the bell.
Yes. Okay.
Bye, Fitzy.
When we first met,
you told me you wanted
a shot at the big time.
Well, I'd like to
give you that shot--
a truly unique opportunity
to be great.
What do you say?
Are you okay?
I-- I don't know.
[ Chuckles ]
Congratulations, Dax.
The job's yours
if you want it.
Take tonight
to think it over.
A decision this important
shouldn't be rushed, hmm?
I hope you say yes.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Knocking ]
Good morning, Harvey!
Mr. Ardwick.
It's all yours.
I mean,
True National's.
Sorry I didn't clean up.
The place is a mess.
Have a good day!
Welcome to
the North Pole, Dax!
- No jet lag.
- And no excess baggage fee.
I like.
- It's good to be here, sir.
- Oh, no, no.
"Sir" won't do at all.
If we're going to
be working together,
I insist you call me Santa.
Whatever you say, Santa.
And this must be Mrs. Claus.
Santa, you're a lucky man.
I remind him of that
every day.
You know what they say?
"Behind every great man--"
- Is a great woman.
- What?
-[ Santa ] Hmm?
-No, there's a plate of cookies.
Have one!
I'd love to,
but I just ate.
Eat... the... cookie.
That is the most amazing cookie
I have ever tasted!
You're gonna
fit right in, Dax.
Welcoming committee!
Welcome
to the North Pole.
Ho, ho.
Now, Dax, since Christmas
is just around the corner,
it's best if we
swear you in right away.
Normally, this ceremony
is far more festive,
but there's so much to do
and so little time.
It's not about the hype,
it's about the work.
Well said.
Citizens of the North Pole,
we are gathering here today
on this auspicious occasion...
to enact a most noble--
Not... so... fast.
Well.
Don't mean to interrupt.
Actually, no,
I do mean to interrupt.
- What do you want, Eleanor?
- I think we all know
exactly what I want.
Yes, but I'm afraid
I've already made
that decision.
Dax here has demonstrated
that he is perfectly capable...
of handling
the HOHOHO position.
Oh! Well, good for him,
but-- [ Clears Throat ]
"Rule Number 2701B:
Although Santa is responsible
for selecting the HOHOHO,
anyone who disagrees
with his decision may publicly
lodge an objection."
- I object.
- [ Gasping ]
"Furthermore, they are also
within their rights...
to challenge the nominee
to a single competitive event...
in which the victor
shall be duly named HOHOHO."
Can she do this?
Watch me.
I, Eleanor the elf,
formally challenges
Santa's normie nominee...
to a race at the SBC.
[ All Gasping ]
SBC? What's that?
Santa's Boot Camp.
It's a brutal obstacle course
that Santa designed...
to help prepare us
for all the challenges
that come our way.
No problem then.
I run the Cro-Magnon
every year.
Eleanor has never
been beat, ever.
Her father runs the boot camp.
He has for 85 years.
Nobody knows that place
better than her.
I'm not giving up now.
Let's do this.
It's settled then.
Fitz will guide you
through the course.
- Good luck, Dax.
- I got this.
What do I have to lose?
Everything.
[ Bird Hooting ]
Nervous?
No, but you should be.
That's what
the last guy said.
What was his name again?
Oh, yeah. Pathetic loser.
Welcome, contestants!
When this snowball
hits the ground,
begin the race.
The first elf, or person,
to complete the course wins.
If one of you does not
complete the course,
your remains
will be sent free of charge
to your loved ones.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
There will be a small fee.
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
I'm kidding again!
[ Laughing Continues ]
This is where
we're supposed to start.
After you.
[ Breathing Shakily ]
[ Exhaling ]
You're doing great.
Really great.
[ Clears Throat ]
Have you heard the story
of the tortoise and the hare?
Santa, that's a fable.
This is real life.
She's got a point there,
my dear.
Okay. I'm going
to start now!
Don't trip.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
- Oh.
- [ Dax Grunting ]
Oops.
[ Chuckling ]
Is that legal?
I don't think she cares.
Wait for me!
[ Screaming ]
Come here!
Get off me!
Get off!
[ Grunting ]
Get off me!
- [ Groaning ]
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- I may start slow,
but I finish strong.
- Ow!
That's what
I'm talking about!
Yes! That's how Mama
butters her cookies!
I mean...
"Go, Dax, go."
[ All Chanting ]
Go, Dax, go. Go, Dax, go.
Go, Dax, go!
Go, Dax, go!
I could have been
the HOHOHO.
But did they ask me?
No, no, no.
[ Laughing ]
See, that's funny.
[ Shouts ]
Who's the man?
[ All ]
Dax the man!
- I said, who's the man?
- Dax the man!
[ Ferocious Shouting ]
[ Squealing,
Chuckling ]
- [ Gasping ]
- [ Groaning ]
Oh, sugarplums!
Ooh.
[ Dax Groaning ]
Excuse me.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
[ Eleanor ]
Whoo!
[ Eleanor Laughing ]
Is this all you got,
normie?
How's it feel to be losing
to a girl, huh?
Hey, heads up.
[ All Groaning ]
Aw. Good-bye.
Good effort there.
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Laughing ]
[ All ]
Oh, no!
Tough break, normie!
Hmm.
[ Chuckling ]
- [ Bell Rings ]
- Well, that was fun
and easier than expected.
And since time
is of the essence,
I would like to be sworn in
and retrieve my father's bell,
if you please.
Billie, I'd like you
to hold on to the bell
for now.
But, Santa, that's mine.
I think it best
if you call me "sir."
You okay, son?
I'm sorry, Santa.
I let you down.
Oh, quite the contrary.
You demonstrated
all the virtues
I hold most dear.
The most important thing
is never to lose sight...
of who you are
and who you can be.
There's a great man
within you, Dax.
Don't be afraid
to let him shine.
[ Dax ]
Thank you.
[ Mrs. Claus ]
Who's hungry?
Let's get
something to eat.
I'll be there
in a minute.
Aw. That was a cute
little moment, wasn't it?
Congratulations, Eleanor.
You got what you wanted.
Some people
just never learn.
Give it a rest.
Just be nicer to Billie.
She's a great person and doesn't
deserve the way you treat her.
Oh.
You've fallen for her.
How pathetic.
Face it, normie,
you don't belong here.
This isn't your world.
Go home.
There you are.
I'm sorry, Billie.
I let everybody down,
especially you.
If anything,
I let you down.
I should have known
Eleanor was up to something.
I could have prepared you.
Doesn't matter.
What's done is done.
I guess the question is,
what now?
Well, it's gonna get
really busy around here.
I'm sure we can find you
another job.
I appreciate that,
but I think
I'm gonna go back,
find my own path,
get reacquainted
with the real Dax.
Well...
do you know what
you're gonna do?
I'm still working
that one out.
Well...
I'm sure
whatever you decide...
will be great.
See you in the morning?
Yeah. See you then.
[ Bell Rings ]
Time to go to work.
I mean, I can't really
walk the whole way there.
[ Ringing ]
Oh, mama.
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Warning Bell Dinging ]
Can't drive stick.
Okay. All right.
Let's go.
Come on. Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yes!
Did he say anything
before he left?
Just that he had urgent
business to attend to.
Am I in trouble?
Don't worry yourself.
But set the portal for
the same location, please.
Right away.
I just don't get it.
He was making
so much progress.
I thought he had changed.
That's what's
so confusing about this.
But people can be
very unpredictable, Billie.
You never know
what they'll do next.
Fitz.
Gentlemen, let's do this.
[ Crowd Shouting ]
- Lane!
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, Dax!
You just take it easy.
You lay one finger on me,
and I'm gonna sue you so fast,
it's gonna make your head spin.
Relax.
I'm not here to hurt you.
I'm here to stop you
from destroying a bunch
of kids' hopes and dreams.
Well, unless you can pull some
kind of miracle out of your hat,
I'd say this center
is out of time.
[ Chuckles ]
Look at that. You're
not even wearing a hat.
No, but I do have this.
Oh. Well, geez,
that changes everything.
I get to knock down
a building, and you get
to ring a little bell.
Oh.
[ Chuckling ]
What's going on?
Hi. Remember me?
You know, the kid
with the pathetic DNA.
Ardwick? Is that you?
I gotta give you credit--
You were almost right.
I almost amounted to nothing
because I made the mistake
of listening to you.
This guy's been
stealing from the center
since I was a kid.
He just emptied their
entire endowment and fled
to the Canary Islands.
It's true.
He stole everything!
Life is full
of disappointments.
Get used to it.
[ Man ]
Shame on you!
Make sure you transfer
all that money
back to the center.
[ Applauding ]
Nice little trick, Dax.
But tricks don't pay the rent.
That money was due today.
So, no money, no building.
Oh, you need the money now?
Watch this.
[ Laughing ]
Maybe you should
get Santa there
to help you out.
Why don't you head back
to whatever mall
you crawled out of, huh?
Take it down!
I'm afraid you're
on your own, son.
Stop! Now!
Stop right now!
Stop!
Oh!
[ Engine Stops ]
How many of you believe
in Santa Claus?
I didn't.
In fact, I didn't
believe in anything good
for the longest time.
But I'll never make
that mistake again.
Are we going to let
one man's greed destroy
something that we all--
People! People, please.
Don't listen to him.
The man's afraid
of progress.
Progress?
Tearing this down
is not progress.
Progress is
believing in our kids,
giving them a chance,
helping them find their passion.
If you believe,
stand with me.
Stand with me
right here right now!
Together, we can save
this youth center.
Don't do this,
or I will destroy you.
Knock down this building,
and your creative accounting
will become public knowledge.
Christmas wouldn't be too fun
behind bars, now, would it?
This isn't over, Dax.
The center is ours
and will always be ours!
[ Cheering ]
Way to go, Dax!
Oops.
[ Chuckling ]
What just--
How did you--
Let's just say,
it's never too late to believe
in Christmas miracles.
That has gotta be the weirdest,
coolest thing I've ever seen.
Life is full of surprises, kid.
Get used to it.
- I always knew
you were a good guy.
- Really?
No.
Don't you have
a Christmas play
to prepare for?
Thank you.
Let's go
put on a play!
[ Cheering ]
Let's go!
There you are.
In case you forgot,
I still need to be sworn in,
and there's so much--
Let me stop you
right there, Eleanor.
Sir?
We all know what a stickler
you are for the rules,
so I wanted you to be aware
of sub-rule 11A, section 411:
"In the unlikely event
of a challenge for the position
of HOHOHO,
good sportsmanship
must be exhibited...
by each competitor
at all times."
In laymen terms,
you lose, sucker!
Come on!
It was a competition!
I was a good sportsman.
I won fair and square.
I'm Santa, the one who knows
if you've been bad or good,
and you have
disqualified yourself
many times over.
Ouch.
That's gotta sting.
But I'm the only one
that qualifies.
Wrong again,
my grumpy friend.
I believe that
there is one person...
who has clearly demonstrated
all of the five
sugarplum virtues...
and then some.
You see this?
I'm doing this
because I mean you.
Me?
Her?
Why do I get the feeling
that this might have been
your plan all along?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Angry Grunt ]
I've dreamed of
being the HOHOHO.
I know.
I don't know what to say.
- Say you'll accept the job.
- Yeah. Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God!
So everything
worked out for the best.
- I guess you could say that.
- Then perhaps I could get
an early Christmas present?
Oh, you already
have it, Dax.
The most important
present of all--
the best version
of yourself.
How about the best version
of myself...
in my new car?
[ Grunts, Clicks Tongue ]
Worth a shot.
Billie.
You still mad at me
for the whole bell thing?
How can I be?
You wanted to do
something great, and you did.
For all those people.
What was that for?
Do I need a reason?
No reason needed.
You think this can work?
A normie and an elf?
I like to think
this world is full
of wonderful possibilities.
[ Squeals, Laughing ]
Merry Christmas to me.
[ Laughing ]
Closed-Captioned by
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
'Tis the season
to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
Troll the ancient
yuletide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
See the blazing yule
before us
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Strike the harp
and join the chorus
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
While I tell
of yuletide treasures
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fast away
the old year passes
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Hail the new,
ye lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Sing we joyous all together
Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la
Heedless of the wind
and weather
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la