Sarah Millican: Bobby Dazzler (2023) Movie Script

[ANNOUNCER]: Please welcome
to the stage, Sarah Millican!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
Thank you very much.
Ah...
So great to see you all,
thank you.
[SHE LAUGHS]
Thank you very much.
How the fuck are you?
Are you well?
[AUDIENCE]:
Yes.
Give me a cheer if you're
on the top level?
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
That's pretty good.
Middle level?
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Downstairs.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
We're all here.
Let's get fucking cracking.
I always like to start every
show but letting you know
what time we'll finish.
I don't know if you're like me
I suspect some of you are
but every time I go anywhere
or do anything
I want to know,
"What time will it end?"
I'm always planning
on having a lovely time
but I also want to know
what time
I can take
my fucking bra off.
So we'll finish
probably about 10:30
have your bra off by what?
10:35?
Is that alright? Yes.
Just to clarify, I do not mind
if you take your bra off
during the show.
As far as I'm concerned,
it's just more clapping for me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[SARAH GIGGLES]
Go on.
Quite a lot of you
have started early!
Thank you very much
for the clapping and cheering
when I came out,
much appreciated. I love that.
I need that.
I'm so fucking needy.
Also, there was
a bit of wooing.
I love the wooing,
it's a certain kind of person
when lights go out, they just
can't fucking help themselves.
"Woo, something's happening!"
Which is lovely for me,
but what I want to know is
how do those people go to bed?
Do you think they turn
their bedside lamp off
and they're like,
"Ooh, something's happening!"
And their partner's like,
"It's Monday night.
Nothing's fucking happening!"
[SARAH GIGGLES]
I, uh...
Are we drinking tonight?
Are you drinking?
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Some of you are.
Some of you aren't.
Fair enough.
I've got a friend
who drinks quite a lot.
That already sounds quite judgy,
doesn't it?
I don't mean it to.
She's one of those people...
You know those people
who say things like
"It's seven o'clock somewhere".
You know those people?
And I have to go,
"Yeah, Brenda
but it's still
fucking noon here".
Problem is I can't be so judgy
with her anymore
cos I'm the same with cake.
Whenever I have a slice of cake
I always think, "Well, it's
somebody's birthday".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And it is always
somebody's birthday.
Only the other day I had a slice
of lemon drizzle cake and I sang
Happy Birthday, dear Enya
You're very lucky, though.
A few months ago I was
in Worthing on the south coast
and I had to sing
Happy Birthday...
...Myra Hindley
Oooh!
She was the only famous person
who had a birthday that day.
Shit!
So, to avoid that,
I'm now on a mailing list.
I get an email every day,
letting me know
which famous birthdays
are happening that day.
When it first came through,
I scrolled back
to the end of May
when it's my birthday.
I thought, I'll have a look,
see if I'm on the list.
I'm not on the list!
I'm not famous enough to be
on the list. Cheeky fuckers!
I mean, Enya, fair enough
but put me ahead of
Myra fucking Hindley!
Jesus Christ!
Well, the venue asked me to read
something aloud to you
at the very start of the show,
and I totally forgot
so let's do that now.
Obviously, we live
in a slightly different world
now, as we all know
so let's just read this,
get it out of the way
and then we can crack on
with the jokes.
So, this is from the venue.
"Warning...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...this show contains
moderate swearing
sexual references
and some upsetting scenes".
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- [SARAH CHUCKLES]
That's a great response.
"That's why we came".
I've noticed fairly recently
that some compliments are shit.
So, compliments are supposed
to make you feel nice, right?
Some of them start really well
and then partway through,
they just fucking turn on you.
I'll give you an example.
A friend of mine said,
"I like your hair..."
and I was all ready to say,
"Oh, thanks very much!"
And she said, "...like that".
What the fuck does
that bit mean?
So you thought it looked shit
yesterday, bitch
is that what you're saying?
All I'm suggesting
is that we start shortening
our compliments.
Next time you're paying
somebody compliment
if partway through
they're smiling
back the fuck away,
you've done your job.
I'll give you two examples.
You could say
"You look great..."
and don't bother adding
on the end, "...for your age".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Or you could say,
"That feels amazing..."
and don't bother
adding on the end
"...considering
the lack of girth".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]
[THEY CHEER]
It's one of the reasons
I named my show "Bobby Dazzler".
I should explain, though.
When I first named my show
"Bobby Dazzler"
I genuinely thought it was
a universally understood term.
It is fucking not.
I did a show in Iceland.
In Iceland!
Yes, the country.
Who said that, "the country?"
Yes, the fucking country!
Didn't even shout it out,
just whispered into your friend
"The country?"
Yes, the fucking country!
"No, she did two nights
in Dartford
and then just a freezer shop
the next day.
It was really weird".
Did a show in Reykjavik
in Iceland
and 100% of the audience
thought "Bobby Dazzler" was
the name of my support act.
And when I brought somebody
else out
they were all like,
"Oh, Bobby must have Covid!"
Well, if you don't know
the term "Bobby Dazzler"
it's a really pure compliment.
It's lovely.
If somebody calls you one,
it just means
you look excellent,
or you are excellent. That's it.
Also, I don't think there are
many compliments
that can equally describe
a child in new wellies...
"Who's a Bobby Dazzler?"
...and a brand new erection.
"Now, that is a Bobby Dazzler".
Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Boi-oi-oi-oing.
Wah, wah, wah.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah, wah.
[AUDIENCE ERUPTS]
Some of you might have noticed
I've got new glasses.
I went to the optician.
I went into the little room
with the lady on the computer.
She brought my record up
on the screen, and she said
"Can I ask you a question?"
I said, "Yes, of course".
She said...
"Have you been going
somewhere else?"
And I thought,
I've never been accused
of cheating
on me optician before.
I said, "No, why?"
She said, "You haven't had
your eyes tested since 2012".
It's quite a long time ago.
Which surprised me.
I've been wearing glasses
since I was six years old.
Give me a "woo"
if you also wear glasses?
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Loads of you.
Maybe some of you are like me.
I normally love an eye test
cos to me it's a fun quiz
and then I can see again,
like, what's not to like?
But I always forget the bit
they do at the beginning.
The sort of health check
that they do now
where they kind of
blow on your eyes.
Well, it's the machine.
It's not the lady, is it?
That'd be creepy as fuck
if she just lent in and went...
[SHE BLOWS]
She said, "Good news, your eyes
are in perfect health".
I said,
"Good. I'm glad something is
cos I'm 47 and things
are starting to sort of hang
and unravel and dribble a bit".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's one of the reasons
I've got leggings on tonight.
Very absorbent.
My advice to the front row is
just breathe with
your mouths tonight.
That's my advice.
No sniffy-sniffy.
All mouthy-mouthy.
Then we got on to
the actual eye test itself.
She did the bit where they say,
"Is it clearer now?
And now?
And now?
And now?"
I don't think they tell them
at optician school
that like 90%
of their future job
is going to be finding
fancier ways of saying
"And now".
[MYSTERIOUSLY]:
And now.
[VERY QUICKLY]:
I now.
[GASPING]:
And... Oh! Oh! Now!
Too far! That one's too far.
Then she did the bit
with the circles.
Remember this bit?
Where they say
the circle's darker on the red
or on the green?
Or on the green or on the red?
Then she said, "I want you
to read that bottom line".
I said, "Not a problem".
I looked at it.
It was very small.
I said it might be
a bit of guesswork.
She said, "That's alright,
just try your best".
So I studied it and I went...
"J"?
And then I looked at her face
to see if I was nailing it
cos you do that, don't you?
She was very professional.
I could not tell.
I went back to a "J"
and then I went, "B"
and she said,
"Can I just stop you there?
They're numbers".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But I explained to her
that my husband was
also in having an eye test.
He'd gone in five minutes
ahead of me
with a different optician,
obviously.
I said, "I think
he's probably done by now".
She said, "Oh, he's
definitely done by now".
I said, "Why did you say it
like that?"
She said, "We've been
in here a really long time".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I said, "Why?"
She said, "Well, if you came
a bit more often
I wouldn't have
so much to tell you".
Alright, arsey cow.
So, I came out
and my husband was there
waiting for ages.
Sure enough, all done
and we worked out
it was eight years
since his last appointment
and nine for me
so he wasn't much
better than I was.
I said, "What did they say
about your eyes?
What was the verdict?"
He said, "Oh, they said
they're pretty much the same.
In fact, if anything,
they might be a bit better".
Fucking better? Fucking better!
Whose eyes improve with age?
It's not fucking Wolverine.
But this is exactly the same
when we go to the dentist
cos he's got really good teeth.
Never needs anything doing.
Sometimes they do
a scrape and polish
so he can feel like he's joining
in on the experience.
I have terrible teeth.
Whenever I go
to the dentist, I ask
"How many fillings do I need?"
Cos it's always
at least one.
I have,
and I don't think this is common
a loyalty card at the dentist.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I can tell from your response
it's not common at all, is it?
It's a little bit of cardboard.
It's got all my teeth drawn on.
Every time I get a filling,
they colour another one in.
And when it's full,
I get diabetes.
The last time my husband had
a scrape and polish
he went to pay afterwards
and the lady said,
"No, no...
you can have this one
free of charge
because your wife
is such a good customer".
His eyes are improving,
his teeth are always fine.
I've got a horrible feeling
that we're turning
into Richard and Judy.
It's harsh, but you know
what I mean, don't you?
I don't think Judy Finnigan is
ageing badly.
I think she's ageing normally.
He, I think, is drinking
the blood of a virgin.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
The reason she looks
like she does
is because she's got to deal
with his shit every fucking day.
Every time
he opens his mouth to talk
we all cringe, don't we?
What's he going to say?
She's just glad
he's not going down on her.
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
There's an image
for you all to take home.
You're welcome.
But my husband said, "That's
what they said about my eyes.
What did they say
about your eyes?"
I said, "Oh, I need
different pairs of glasses
for so many different things.
I've got drivers.
I've got readers.
These are the ones I have to
wear if I want to eat a Twix.
These are the ones I wear
for meeting a friend
but if I see her ahead of time
or I give a little wave
across the street
it's different
fucking glasses!
So I'm gonna have so many chains
around my neck
I'm going to look like
Mr. fucking T".
Give me a "woo" if you came here
tonight with a family member?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
And if you came with a friend?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
There's not as many
with friends
but you're more enthusiastic,
that's interesting, isn't it?
The people who came
with a friend
is anybody in a really long
friendship?
Give me a wave if you are.
We've got people here.
Oh, right at the front.
How long have you two
been friends?
[WOMAN]: 15 years.
- 15 years? Thank you for that.
There was a lady the other day,
shouted out "45 years".
I said, "Wow,
where did you meet?"
And she went...
"At birth."
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
I said, "It's not
your fucking mam, is it?
I hate people
who are like that.
[IN A SOPPY VOICE]:
"My mam's my best friend".
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Yeah, you're not hers.
She wants you to move out.
But well done to all of the long
friendships in the room.
I'm very impressed by you.
I'm also
a little bit jealous of you.
I have friends from comedy
friends from other jobs
that I've had.
I don't have
any friends from school.
You wouldn't think you'd know
why, but I know exactly why.
When I was a kid
and my birthday rolled around
my mam would say,
"Would you like a party?"
You have to remember
that kids' parties
when I was a child, very
different to kids' parties now.
For example, I have a friend
who has an eight-year-old
daughter.
For her last birthday party
they hired somebody
to do manicures
and also a hot tub.
I said, "What the fuck
are you doing?
You're not Kardashians".
But if you've got
little ones now
maybe this is the kind
of elaborate party
that you have to put on.
Maybe hire a venue
maybe somebody does
the catering.
Maybe a man you don't know
comes in in a weird outfit
and plays with your children
for money.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You can call him a clown
if you like
but my description
is still valid.
"Come on in, kids.
Paedo the clown has arrived!
We're pretty sure he's alright
but don't sniff his flower,
just in case".
At least you'd know
if he was getting
any of the kids
to touch him
in a wrong area,
cos it makes this sound...
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]
I fully expect at some point
on this tour
to start getting really angry
emails from clowns...
which I will then forward
onto the police.
"Found another one for you,
you're welcome!"
I did a show in Antwerp
a while back
in Antwerp in Belgium
and just after I honked,
a man on the front row
really quiet, really
sinister-looking, just went...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Do it again".
Ehhh.
So, for him and for you.
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
[SHE GIGGLES]
This is not the kind of party
that was on offer
to me, though,
when I was a child.
Let's gauge your age
in the room.
Give me a "woo"
if you're under 40.
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
40 and above?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
There's a lot more of us.
We can take them, can't we?
The kind of party
that was on offer to me
in the '70s and the '80s
would be this...
Six friends, maximum.
That's the sort of amount
I would've struggled
to fill at that age.
Somebody would've had to bring
their cousin
just to make up the numbers.
In your house,
wasn't it always in your house?
And your mam, or a mam,
someone's mam...
would prepare the food.
And by that, I mean they would
cut it all into cubes.
So it could take part
in the hedgehog.
Anything that wasn't cut
into cubes was cut on an angle
so you know
you're at a party.
That's how you know.
Don't know if you know,
but this works
as an adult as well.
If you're ever
at somebody's house
and you're like is it a party?
Is it not a party?
Look at the food.
Is it cut on an angle?
You're at a fucking party.
Are the biscuits
fanned out on a plate?
You're at a fucking party.
You don't do that
for yourself, do you?
You don't sit down in front
of Bake Off
with a packet of pink wafers
and your best plate.
No, you put the full packet in,
pull out the wrapper.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]
They'd also be party games.
Wouldn't there be party games?
One of your toys would
be wrapped up
several times
and passed around
until some other fucker
takes it home.
Someone would piss themselves,
wouldn't they? Always.
Usually the same child
at every party.
And you'd all go home
with a little bag of crap.
That's a kids party, isn't it
in the '70s and '80s,
right there?
The other option, if I didn't
want a party, would be this.
So, I'm from a place
called South Shields.
South Shields is near Newcastle
and in Newcastle is
a department store
called Fenwick's, quite
a fancy department store.
Now the option if I wanted to,
instead of a party
to go to Fenwick's for the day
with my mam, just the two of us.
We'd go to the restaurant,
which was not fancy.
Any restaurant that starts with
your own tray is not fancy.
And I could choose anything
I liked off the menu
which every single time I went
was always the same thing.
All I ever wanted
was chips in a bowl.
That's all I ever wanted
because to me,
the height of luxury
was being able to have
nothing else with your chips
but other fucking chips.
Then we'd go
to the toy department
I'll pick a toy
and we'd go home.
Every single birthday I had
as a child
was spent in Fenwick's.
I never said "yes" to a party.
I chose Fenwick's
over friends...
some would say chips
over friends.
Still sort of doing it now...
and I regret
not a fucking thing.
But every time I was invited
to somebody else's
birthday party as a kid
I always went.
It's rude, really, isn't it
to go to others' parties,
never have one of your own.
I'd go to the party,
I'd eat the cubed food
I'd win a prize
piss myself...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...and I'd go home
with a little bag of crap
and an adult man's
mobile number.
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
- No.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Did anybody find
in the last few of years
when we were dealing
with all the Covid shite
anybody find
that every now and again
they felt like they were going
a little bit mad?
[AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
- Yes?
So, "overwhelmed" is
probably a better word.
I'd feel a bit overwhelmed
and I'd do a thing
that I thought would help.
Let me tell you
a few of the things I tried.
First thing I tried,
I bought some seeds.
Do you remember there was
a while back there
when food was so scarce,
we all thought
we're going to have to grow it
all ourselves?
I bought some seeds.
My friend
quite rightly pointed out
that seeds only really grow
fruit and vegetables.
I thought, "What fucking use
is that to me?"
Where are the seeds for
the Twixes and the toilet rolls
and the microwave dinners?
That's what I need.
Does anybody want
to hazard a guess
how many seeds
I actually planted?
[AUDIENCE]: None.
- None, thank you, None.
There was a man the other day,
shouted out "two"
which has gotta be the weirdest
suggestion of all.
Sounds like I just tripped
when I got out the car
and a couple accidently landed
in the ground.
Another thing I tried,
I tried a bit of yoga.
Does anybody do yoga?
They even sound quite relaxed
when answering the question
don't they?
[IN A CALM DEEP VOICE]:
"Yes, I do yoga.
I'm bendy as fuck".
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
I tried a bit of yoga.
Watched a lady on YouTube.
Had to turn the volume up
really loud, though
cos I couldn't hear
what she was telling me to do
over all of the clicking
of my joints.
And initially I thought this is
gonna be harder for me
because I'm fat and the woman
in the video was wafer thin
and tiny.
Is this gonna be harder for me?
And then after a while
I realised, if anything
I had a slight unfair advantage.
For example, when she said,
"Pull in your lower belly"
I thought, "I'm glad
she knows I've got two".
I found a way
to make planking a lot easier.
Do it naked,
tits and belly hit the floor
a lot less to hold up.
And pretty much every time
she said "chin to chest"
I was sort of already doing it.
How was that a fucking exercise?
That's how I read.
Another thing I tried...
Give me a "woo" if you've heard
of the "Couch to 5K" app?
[AUDIENCE]: Whoo!
- Quite a lot of you.
For those of you who haven't,
let me tell you what it is.
It's an app to get you running,
a BBC app.
The idea is
you start as a beginner
and by the end, you should be
able to run five kilometres
and the whole way through,
you have somebody in your ear
talking you through it, telling
you when to run, when to walk
offering you kind of support
and encouragement.
And of those people...
there's quite a few people
you can choose from...
one of them is Olympic gold
medallist Michael Johnson.
And another one is me.
How the fuck did that happen?
When I was first asked to do it
a long time ago now
they were very nice to me,
they said
"You've got
a really friendly voice.
We thought you'd be great
for this".
That's what they said.
What I think they meant was
"You look like people
who don't run".
When I recorded it, I said,
"Can I mix it up?
Can I change it round?
Can I put my own words in?"
And they said,
"No, no, it's BBC, it's health.
It's very important you just
stick with what's written".
All I was allowed to do was
put in some "Well done, flowers"
and "Well done, pets".
That's all I was allowed.
All I really wanted to do,
on the bit where it says
"And now have a snack
such as a banana"
really quietly underneath,
I just wanted to go...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Muffin".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
So that you knew
it was definitely me
and in case you were worried,
I was safe.
It's good to know that.
It's good to know.
But pretty much every day,
somebody on social media
would send me a message
saying they've started it
or they finished it,
or they're in the middle of it
and they never thought
they could run
and now they can run
and they love it.
And on one
of my overwhelmed days
I thought, if it's working
for all of those people
maybe I should
be giving it a go.
And then I thought,
should I use...
my own voice?
I couldn't work out
if I'd find it inspirational
or really fucking irritating.
And the truth is, both.
Some days it would say things
like, "You're doing really well.
I'm really proud of you"
and I'd be like
"I am doing really well.
Thanks for being proud of me,
past me
sitting on a sofa
eating a fucking biscuit".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Then other days it would say,
"Well, if that went well
why don't you run a bit faster?"
And I would say, "Why don't you
fuck the fuck off"?
My husband said,
"Isn't it hard?"
He prefers to do weights,
doesn't like to run.
He said, "Isn't it hard?"
Cos I did do it.
I completed the whole thing
and I used my own voice
like an absolute bellend.
I said, "Of course it's hard.
It's running".
I said, "Haven't we all done
loads of hard things
over the last few years,
we never thought
we'd have to do?"
And I came up with something
that sounds like a catchphrase.
I dunno where it came from
but I like it
and I'm keeping it.
I said, "Of course it's hard
because if it was easy,
it'd be biscuits".
I don't know
where that came from.
I think I might've read it
on a t-shirt.
But I would like
to talk to you guys
to see if anybody
in this beautiful room
of glorious people would like to
shout out something that you did
in what I'm calling
"a moment of madness"
in the last few years.
We'll section you off,
make it slightly easier.
Let me give you an example.
There was a man
a few months ago...
I said, "What did you do
in a moment of madness
in the last few years?"
He said he bought
a butter churn...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...and I love the sheer panic
he clearly had.
"What if we're run out
of butter?"
I asked him
how many times he'd used it.
He said,
"Just the once"
cos it turns out it makes
a fuck-load of butter.
I think the easiest way
to talk to you guys
is in the sections you're
sort of already in.
So we'll start at the top
and work our way
down the room. So, that
lovely upstairs section.
Anybody in that upstairs section
want to shout out
something you did?
A moment of madness
in the last few years.
Anybody want to start us off?
[WOMAN]: Had a baby!
- [WOMAN 2]: Got engaged!
OK, we'll come back to this one.
[MAN]:
Bought a lightsaber!
Hold, well, there's so much
to talk about!
Quite a lot to unpack.
Lady over here, shout out again.
[WOMAN]: I had a baby.
- You had a baby?
Is it your first baby?
Yeah.
- [SARAH]: Yeah?
Is it also your last baby?
Yes! Oh, God!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- What was that?
Somebody else answered!
That's my aunt!
[SARAH]: It's who?
- My aunt.
Your aunt. Does your aunt do
a lot of babysitting
by any chance?
She does indeed,
she lives up the road.
She lives up the road.
Who moved into the street
first, though?
I did.
She's proper arsey, isn't she?
I love it.
And then she was like,
"I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna move in near my aunt".
This is genius.
What did you have,
a girl or a boy?
Baby boy.
Baby boy. Never mind, you can
try again for the proper ones.
No, it's fine. Girls are better.
It's just a fact.
Did you have your baby
during the time
when it was really scary
in the hospitals, my love?
It's always scary having a baby!
Is it?
I've had some terrifying shits
in my time.
I really have.
I had one once,
while we're sharing...
where it felt like it was kind
of like giving birth
because there was
a really wide bit of it
and I was like,
"Oh, I got the shoulders past
we're alright".
But I appreciate
it is always scary.
Round of applause for the lady
with the new baby.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Lovely.
We had somebody else over
this side, shout out again.
[WOMAN 2]:
Got engaged.
How long had you been
with your partner
before the proposal?
Uh, four years.
[SARAH]: Four years?
- Yeah.
One woman went,
"Oh, yeah".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
The rest of you are like,
"Seems fair enough".
Just one woman, really spoke
for the group, didn't she?
"Yeah, that's reasonable."
And who proposed to who?
He proposed to me.
[SARAH]:
Is this him beside you there?
Yeah... no...
Hold on, did you say yes
look at him
and then say no?
Is that what happened there?
Yes.
Oh, no.
Who is this beside you?
Jason.
Jason.
Who is he to you?
Fianc.
Oh, you are, so it is you!
I thought she said no!
Mm... no.
So, Jason, you proposed
to your good lady.
Was it a very romantic proposal,
my love?
Uh, yeah.
No, actually!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Yeah...
And she went, "No!"
Can you tell me
where it happened?
What happened?
I slapped him round the face.
You slapped him round the face?
Before or after the proposal?
Is that what inspired it?
Is he into that sort
of dirty shit, is he?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just a really good crack
and he was like...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Fucking hell, marry me...
That was amazing".
"Now do me ball bag, oh..."
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
He's nodding.
He's not,
I'm just taking the piss.
And have you got kids,
have you got animals?
What's the situation at home?
We've got kids
but not with each other.
Oh, OK, hm...
Kids but not with each other.
Well, not if you keep slapping
his ball bag!
Got no fucking chance, has he?
Just be empty and dry in there.
Round of applause
for the happy couple!
And we had
somebody else upstairs.
Do you want to shout
out again?
[MAN]:
Uh, a lightsaber.
It was a nerd or impulse buy.
A nerd impulse buy?
You've got your reasons already
ready, haven't you?
Just...
Why don't you think?
Do you think I would think
it was a bad thing?
It sounds fucking awesome!
Now, it's not
a real one, though.
No, no.
- No, so what...
What happens when you press...
It can't shoot out.
But what... stop it!
Somebody's laughing over there,
behind there.
It's, uh, it's 3D printed.
It's 3D printed!
No offence, mate,
but it sounds shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Does it turn on, then?
I don't really understand
anything about 3D printers.
Does it turn on?
It's more of a display piece.
Oh, a display piece!
We're picturing your flat now,
aren't we?
Have you got anything else
on display?
Um, I dunno, ask her.
[HE LAUGHS]
Ask her?
I mean, we're all surprised
you've got a girlfriend.
Actually, I can't see, it might
be his mam.
That would make more sense,
wouldn't it?
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
I love that you bought yourself
a lightsaber.
Well fucking done.
Round of applause
for the Star Warsfan.
Good work, upstairs.
Middle section, anybody want
to shout out
something you did
in a moment of madness?
[MAN]:
Got a hot tub!
[SARAH]:
Oh, said with confidence.
Couple of people upstairs,
all of a sudden...
ba-baba-ba-baaa!
There was somebody over here,
shout it again.
[MAN]:
Got a hot tub.
You got a hot tub?
[MAN]: Yeah.
- Yeah? Did you?
So, how many people does it sit?
[MAN]:
Four.
Four. You know that,
don't you as well?
You've had...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
"Friends round".
Oh, no, just the neighbours.
I got it from Lidl
and I only went in for milk.
[SHE LAUGHS]
He got it from Lidl,
and you only went in for milk!
That's incredible.
You should be
on the advert for Lidl!
"Come in for milk,
go home
with you know,
somewhere to have sex
with your neighbours".
Is this your partner?
Single!
- [SARAH]: You're single?
He's definitely had people
in that hot tub, hasn't he?
Do you just sometimes
sit in it on your own?
D'you know, all my friends
get in it and I don't.
Mmm...
We don't believe him, do we? No.
I've got a question for you.
I genuinely don't know
the answer to this, um...
In a hot tub...
Maybe everybody else can answer,
I suspect you know
but maybe other people
know as well...
In a hot tub,
does jizz like mix in?
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
I don't know.
Does it mix in or does it go
like stringy like goldfish poos?
You know, like...
go in with a little...
like a tiddly net
and just try and catch it.
Yeah, tell me.
As you would say,
it gets claggy.
It gets...
[SHE LAUGHS]
It gets claggy.
I love that you know
and you're acknowledging
that you know.
Well, I hope you meet somebody
very soon
you can sit
in your hot tub with.
Round of applause
for the lovely fella.
[AUDIENCE CLAPS]
[SARAH]:
Thank you.
Anybody else
in the middle section
shout out something you did
in a moment of madness?
[MAN 2]:
Hello, Sarah.
Hello.
Are we just having a chat
or have you got an answer
to the fucking question, flower?
No, no, every day during
lockdown
I tried to have a two-pound poo.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Every day, during lockdown
you tried to have
a two-pound poo!
What I want to know is,
who was paying you, flower?
Are you weighing them?
Are you photographing them?
No, I just stand there naked
weigh myself, sh--
- [SARAH]: Oh, no, no.
You really mean it!
You understand, you all got
that, didn't you from him?
That he would way himself naked
do a shit...
weigh himself naked again...
Did you have a chart
on the kitchen wall?
Get a little star,
a little brown star?
Was it a brown star?
Brown star stickers are quite
hard to come by.
Is your wife beside you?
Who looks appalled?
She was very interested.
[SARAH]:
Say that again.
This is Ruth, she loved me
telling her every morning
that I failed.
You can't all see her,
but she's like this.
I managed it two weeks ago.
You married her two weeks ago?
No, I managed a two-pound poo!
Oh, you managed a two-pound...
[THEY ALL LAUGH]
[MEN CHEER]
Two people cheered
and they were definitely men!
They were like...
[IN A LOW VOICE]:
Got a new project.
I've got a new project.
Well, I'm very proud of you.
Congratulations
on your new hobby, flower.
Round of applause...
for the poo winner.
[SARAH CHUCKLES]
Thank you.
Anybody downstairs want to shout
out something you did
in a moment of madness?
[WOMAN]:
I left my husband.
You left your husband?
[WOMEN CHEER]
How long had you been married,
my lovely?
Twenty-five years.
- [AUDIENCE]: Oooh.
Twenty... oh!
It's gone a bit panto in here,
hasn't it?
Oooooh!
Twenty-five years,
that's incredible!
Are you officially divorced?
Have you been through
your absolute and all that?
Not yet, January.
[SARAH]:
January?
Fuckin', it's gonna be a good
fuckin' day, isn't it?
So, you left him?
- [WOMAN]: I did.
Yes, and did...
so is he still in the house
that you were in together?
- He is.
Yeah, and have you got
yourself like a...
fancy lady pad?
- I'm all over it, I've got--
[SARAH LAUGHS]
You're all over it!
You've got a sexy pad, have ya?
I don't mean...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
We're sort of that age, uh...
[SHE LAUGHS]
...you and I.
Congratulations, and I don't
know, like...
I'm divorced and then remarried.
I don't know if you all know...
Everybody, we've all had
breakups, and you know...
especially significant
relationships.
I don't know if you've been
through this phase yet
I feel like you might have done.
There's a phase you got through
when you get divorced
or you end a relationship,
there's a phase you go through
where you can't sleep.
And what you do, this is a tip
if anybody's getting there
or they're about to dump
somebody significant
maybe who's sitting beside them
tonight, what a great day!
There's a tip, if you
can't sleep, what you do is
you have a big cry, you have
a wank, you have a Magnum
you go back to bed,
sleep like a baby.
I choose to keep the wank
and the Magnum separate
but it's up to you.
I don't mind. It's up to you.
Well, congratulations
and have a great day
on your absolute day.
Round of applause
for the fantastic lady.
Good answers.
Very good answers tonight.
Let me tell you a couple
of my favourite ones.
There was a lady
in Birmingham...
I said, "What did you do
in a moment of madness?"
She said, "My lodger".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
By way of explanation,
she went, "Well, he's Greek".
I don't know what that means!
Fair enough.
I said, "Do you still live with
him now?" She said, "Yes".
I said, "Are you in
a relationship with him?"
She said, "No, no".
I said, "Well done, you.
You've had this fling
got past it, you've been
such adults about it.
She said,
"Oh, no, it's still going on".
I said,
"Did you cut his rent a bit?"
She said,
"Actually no, I put it up".
Another one I liked
was in Liverpool.
A lady said...
I said, "What did you do
in a moment of madness?"
She said, "I've started drinking
wine out of a mug"...
which didn't sound
that mad to me
but then she said, "No, no,
during important work meetings
on Zoom".
She said the trick is,
you get the bit of string
and the paper
off a herbal tea bag
and you drape it
over the side of your mug.
She's a fucking genius,
is what she is.
One of the things I dabbled in
a little bit in lockdown,
was aromatherapy.
I've never really bothered
with aromatherapy in the past
cos I have actual therapy.
You don't need aroma something
if you're having
the real fucking thing.
If I fancy something sweet
I don't have
an aroma Twix, do I?
No.
If I'm tired, but I can't sleep
I don't have
an aroma wank, do I? No.
Bought myself
some aromatherapy balms.
If you don't know what they are,
you put them
on your pulse points. It's
supposed to make you feel nice.
And the four that I bought
all had names.
They were called "Sleepy Time",
like I'm five...
"Calm Down," alright...
"Wake Up",
make your fucking mind up
and "Headache"
which is a bit more medical.
And they all smell of things
you'd expect them to smell of.
Lavender, camomile,
that sort of thing.
I thought it'd be interesting
to get my husband to smell them
to tell me what he thought
they smelt of.
To be fair, I did once ask him
to smell my vagina candle
and he said it smelt
of beef and cheese
and he got it right first time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But in that order
of Sleepy Time, Calm Down
Wake Up, Headache, he said
they smelt of creosote, grass,
nothing, and an old shop.
He's got no fucking clue.
I don't know why we bother
with these things, though
cos we've got lavender
in the garden.
So, what I do now,
before I go to bed, I just
nip out into the garden
in my nightie
and I inhale a bush.
And then I get in the house
and my husband does this same!
Beef and cheese!
Beef and cheese!
But d'you remember when
the food shops were terrifying
and we all started
ordering food online?
I downloaded all the different
supermarket apps into my phone
try and get a delivery slot.
Eventually I got one, shouted to
my husband who's in the kitchen.
I shouted, "I've got a slot,
I've got a slot!
Come and help me fill it!"
Used to mean something else.
And the slot that I got
was on the Asda app
and I started to add things
to the basket, usual things
bread and milk and whatnot.
When it came
to the fruit, though
the fruit was divided
into different sections.
There was
an exotic fruit section.
I thought, "Ooh, let's see
what Asda's got
by way of exotic fruit!"
And in there was a papaya.
I thought, "Yeah, there
might be a global pandemic
happening Asda, but I will
have a fucking papaya".
And when I added it
to the basket
I half expected the Asda app
to be like
"Ooooh...
did you mean
Birdseye potato waffles?"
"No, but thanks
for the reminder".
Also add to basket.
You know when you order food
online, you don't always get
what you want, do you?
Sometimes you get substitutions.
Asda didn't have
any fucking papayas.
They just sent me two pies,
which was good enough.
But as well as the papayas,
I also ordered kiwifruit.
I love a kiwifruit.
When I first met my husband,
we hadn't started going out yet
we were just friends. I watched
him eat a kiwi, like an apple.
Um-um-um, fur and all.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
And I looked at him
and I thought
"This bodes very well for me".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Now let's see
how he does with this coconut.
But we've lived in the house
we live in now
for about nine years.
Before that, we both rented
flats separately.
If you rent now, or you've
ever rented in the past
you will know that if something
breaks in your rented place
you tell the person responsible,
who does nothing at all
and you learn to live
without the thing.
That's right, isn't it?
When you own somewhere,
though, you're responsible.
My husband had this great idea
when we first moved in together
to have, like,
a rolling jobs list.
Just a document on his computer
of all the things
that needed doing to the house.
Some of those things
we could do ourselves.
Some of those things he would
need to ring a bigger boy
who would come and do it for us.
One day he shared
the document with me.
He said, "Just in case you want
to add any jobs to the list".
So I scrolled right to
the bottom, and I just wrote
"cunnilingus".
And he spotted it.
He said, "Yeah, as long
as you don't mind
a Polish handyman
coming to do it?"
And I said, "Not at all".
He said, "To be fair, it's sort
of already on the list.
It's just under
clearing the gutters".
[SHE GIGGLES]
But I've been
married a long time.
Different men.
Let's move on, and...
I think I know a bit
about relationships.
I've got a theory.
See if you agree with this.
My theory is that most
relationships are made up
of one person who does chores
as they see them arise
and another person who needs
to be asked to do chores.
Would you agree with that?
- [AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
[SARAH]:
So I'm the do-er, in our family.
My husband will do
anything I ask
but does often need to be asked.
I found a way around this.
If this is helpful in your
relationship, please use it.
I do not mind. What I do
is I make every chore
a challenge.
So, I say to him, "Bet you can't
bring in all the shopping
from the car in one go?"
And he goes, "Course I can!"
He does it
and I tick it off my list.
Hooray!
I'll say, "Bet you can't
empty the dishwasher
in less than two minutes",
and he goes
"I bet I bloody can".
I use a stopwatch to make it
more fun for him, you know?
It's basically like
a really domestic version
of The Crystal Maze.
Where I am Richard O'Brien
or Richard Ayoade,
if you're very young
and my husband is
in a big glass sphere.
Also in this sphere is a washing
machine and a tumble dryer.
Against the clock to win
another month of marriage
he has to take clothes
out of the washing machine
and deduce whether or not
they can be tumble-dried.
And it's not as straightforward
as looking at the label
because nobody knows
what the fucking symbols mean.
There's only one symbol
we all know.
And I think the reason
it's universal is
cos it's so damn important.
And that's the hand one.
We all know
the hand one, don't we?
Cos that means wave goodbye
to your lovely top
because it's about to get
fucking shrunk.
But I bought this dress,
many reasons
but one of them is
that it's got fucking pockets!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
It's how you make
a woman happy, isn't it?
Show her something with pockets.
This is what feminism is to me
cos I could be scratching
my fanny now.
You'd have no idea.
But I've got a friend
who's got dungarees
and they've got
pockets everywhere.
She looks amazing in her
dungarees and I'm so jealous
and I keep thinking,
should I get some dungarees?
But she's a lot thinner than me
and I've got a horrible feeling
I'd just look fucking
pregnant in them.
And that's what I said
to my husband.
I said, I think the only way
I could get away with dungarees
is if either I lost loads
of weight...
it's not going to happen,
I can't be bothered...
or I wait until I'm so old
that I couldn't possibly
be pregnant.
Which these days,
because of fucking science
is about 70, isn't it?
Thanks fucking science.
My husband went, "Or..."
And I thought, "Oh, he's got
a good logical brain.
He's thought
of a third solution".
He said, "You could just
wear the dungarees
but always carry
a paintbrush with you".
I said, "Knowing my luck
people will just point and go,
'Look at that fat old lady
preparing the nursery
for her unborn child'".
We're heading now for
my favourite time of the day
which is bedtime.
Fucking love sleeping.
I don't however sleep naked.
Give me a "woo"
if you do sleep naked?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
And if you don't?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
The main reason
I don't sleep naked is
we've got a cat
who's an arsehole.
And if your toes are popping out
the end of the duvet
he will nibble on them.
Imagine what he'd do
to me fanny, I'm not risking it.
Not risking it.
But a while ago, a friend
of mine rang me one day
laughing, she was heavily
pregnant at the time
she rang me to tell me
the hospital had been
on the phone
and they said that
when she came in to give birth
she was to bring a nightie
and she thought
this was piss funny.
She said, "Who even wears
nighties these days?"
And I didn't say anything,
but I wanted to say...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]:
me.
And then she said,
"Where would you even
get a nightie from these days?"
And that's when I snapped
and said, "Marks and Spencer's
you fucking idiot!"
But they told her to bring
a button-down nightie
which makes sense
for breastfeeding reasons.
I think that's just good advice
for all of us, isn't it?
If your partner can
rummage in the top
and then rummage underneath
you don't have to take
the fucker off at all.
There are some health benefits
to sleeping naked
let me tell you,
there's three of them.
Let me talk you through them.
Number one,
keeps your temperature down.
And I thought, well,
so does sticking a leg out.
Number two,
improves self-esteem.
That sounds like
a load of shit, doesn't it?
I don't think it would improve
my self-esteem
if my husband rolled over
to see me lying there
with a chin-full of tits.
At least in a nightie,
they're contained, aren't they?
Instead, it looks like
a carrier bag
full of bread buns.
And number three,
keeps testicles cool.
That's mostly for the men
that one, obviously.
Now, I've met... met!
I've met some testicles
in my time.
Nice to meet you.
I've never met a cool one.
They've all got a degree of
sort of tackiness, haven't they?
Like you're waiting
for them to dry.
But I've got a nice tradition.
I like to get
new pyjamas for Christmas.
Does anybody else do that?
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Yeah?
So, last November I went round
various department stores
to have a look at what they
had by way of new stock
in the pyjama department.
It wasn't great, if I'm honest.
I would say
half of them were fleecy.
[AUDIENCE MURMURS]
- [SARAH LAUGHS]
That's the noise that women make
when parts of them
are hotter than the sun.
Nobody wants thrush
for Santa coming, do they? No.
The other half had slogans
across here.
I'm 47, fuck off
with your slogans.
I saw two slogans, one said,
"It's Prosecco o'clock"
which I don't know if you know,
it's not an actual time.
It's just a fancy term
for alcoholism.
And the other one said, "There's
always time for brunch!"
And there's not, is there?
Sometimes it's just you
and some Weetabix
and it's pretty fucking sad.
I thought,
"If they want slogans
why don't they have
realistic slogans?"
So I had a think, and I've
come up with three ideas.
I am going to pitch them
to the department stores
but I wanted to run them
by you first.
Is that alright?
[AUDIENCE]: Yes.
- OK. So, here we go.
Three realistic slogans
for pyjama tops. Here we go.
Number one,
"Don't come too close
I've worn these as clothes
for four days".
Like that one? Like that one.
Number two, "That's not
a pattern. It's tomato soup".
And number three,
"If I'm honest
the top smells better
than the bottoms".
[SARAH GIGGLES]
I will pitch them
to the department stores
and I'll let you know
how I get on.
I'm quite a clumsy person,
by nature.
I've fallen over, substantially
three times
in the last few years.
First time I fell over,
I hurt my knee.
Now a problem that exists
when you are not skinny
is trying to convince someone
that a part of you is swollen.
I said to my friend, I said,
"Look at my knee.
Look, I hurt it,
it's all swollen".
She said, "Is it?"
And then she said, "Did you fall
on your other knee as well?"
Fuck off!
Second time I fell,
I fell face front.
Now, if you've ever
fallen face front
you'll know there's a degree
of slow motion
about a fall like that.
It's a little bit...
[IMITATING SLOW MOTION]:
Nooo!
The whole time
all I could think of was
"Don't smash your glasses!
Don't smash your glasses!"
Glasses are fucking expensive.
Miraculously, even though
I fell face front
I did not smash my glasses.
And that's because
I was saved by my tits.
My husband who saw it happen,
said I was lying there
with my hands slightly up,
my feet slightly up.
He said, "It looked a little bit
like you were skydiving".
Third time I fell,
I hurt my wrist and my hand.
It didn't heal itself properly,
so I had to go
and see a physiotherapist.
And the physiotherapist said
to me
"Can you tell me
what activities you're doing
when it hurts the most?"
No.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- [SHE MOUTHS]
And then I thought,
he's a medical professional
you have to tell the truth
to a medical professionals
so I did tell the truth
in the end
and I said, "Mashing potatoes
and wanking".
It's the same motion, isn't it?
It's the same face.
Argh-ah-ah-ah-ah...
Aah-a!
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
[PITCH INCREASES]:
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
[PITCH FALLS]:
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
Something tells me
quite a lot of you
have mashed potatoes
in your time.
But the physiotherapist said
"I'm going to give you
an exercise to do".
He said, "You won't believe me,
but I promise it works.
But you won't believe me".
I said, "What's the exercise?"
He said, "Doing the dishes".
And I said, "What kind
of Handmaid's Tale
bullshit is this?"
There was a curtain in his room
you could get changed behind.
I lifted it up, fully expected
to see my husband
just crouched down
whispering
[IN A LOWER VOICE]:
"Dishes, tell her dishes
and hand jobs".
I'm not gonna do the dishes
and deprive my husband
of winning a crystal.
Are you mad?
Give me a "woo"
if you've heard of the term
"the seven signs of ageing".
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Oh, that's quite a lot of you.
For those of you who haven't,
let me tell you what they are.
The seven signs
of ageing are this...
dark spots, wrinkles
saggy skin, dry skin
dull skin and visible pores.
And the reason
they're all skin related
is because this is what we're
told by skin-care companies.
This is not what my seven signs
of ageing are.
I've written them down for you.
Let me tell you.
This is my seven signs
of ageing.
Number one, you have
more baths than showers
mostly because you got more time
but also because sometimes
things need a steep.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Number two, the menopause,
which mostly affects women
but can affect some men
who live with the women
who are going through
the menopause.
And to those men I say,
"Boo-fucking-hoo!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
One thing you might not know is
that before the menopause
is something called
the "perimenopause"
and before that
is the peri-perimenopause
where you still get
the hot sweats
but they smell
of lemon and herb.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Some of you are pretending
you're too posh
for a Nando's joke
which is hilarious
given where we are.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
[SARAH GIGGLES]
Number three, your neck.
People look at your neck
a lot more after you hit 40.
My neck is fine.
Thanks very much.
All I have...
and it's nothing medical,
it's nothing to worry about
is a line that goes across it
from left to right.
What it looks like,
it looks like
I was beheaded
a long time ago
and it's healing really well.
The only trouble
I ever get from my neck
is that every now and again,
that line...
needs a little dust.
Number four, piles.
Give us a cheer.
No, don't, don't.
I occasionally suffer
from piles.
How I know they're bad is
that my farts sound different.
Number five,
you need a weekly tablet box.
Give me a "woo" if you, like me,
use a weekly tablet box?
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
- Loads of you.
Sometimes it's the only way
I know what day it is.
"Oh, Tuesday's tablets,
must be fucking Tuesday".
When I collect
my tablets from the chemist
they fill a shopping bag.
They fill
a fucking shopping bag.
Now, the last time this happened
I bumped into
a woman that I know
I'd call her a friend,
but I wouldn't mean it.
We've all got those people,
haven't we?
You know those people?
You don't remember
how you got them in your life
so you don't know how to get
fucking rid of them.
She's one of those.
She's not a nice lady.
She makes me feel uncomfortable.
But I bumped into her,
she pointed to my
thankfully unmarked,
shopping bag
and she said, "Eee, have you
been treating yourself?"
And I just said, "Yeah"
cos I thought,
"What's the alternative?"
What I really want to say is,
"Oh no.
In here are some anxiety meds
that make this fucking
conversation bearable".
Also, if we do have any
really young people in the room
a pillbox is not what you take
to a nightclub.
Different thing.
Although, if you are
in a nightclub
it's still important
to take your meds, isn't it?
My thyroid's not
going to start working
just cos I've had
a Hooch, is it?
No.
Number six, your skin.
People look
at your skin when you're born
and then nothing for 40 years
and then everybody's got
a fucking opinion
about your skin.
A friend of mine said,
"Your skin's nice".
I said, "Thank you".
She said, "Can I ask you
a question"? I said, "Sure".
She said, "Do you use fillers"?
Now I'm about
to tell you something
that you might find a little bit
disappointing in me
because I said, "Yes, it's true,
I do use fillers
but not the traditional kind.
I call them cakes and pies".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Why put poison in your face
when you could put
lovely things in your mouth?
I just don't understand
the logic. I really don't.
I do like to buy skincare.
I refuse, however, to buy
anything that calls itself
"anti-wrinkle"
because I myself am not
anti-wrinkle.
I've got wrinkles. I'll get
more, it's absolutely fine.
I'm not going to spend
30 quid on something
that reckons it stops
fucking time.
I'm not doing that.
I buy moisturiser for the same
reason we all buy moisturiser
because isn't it nice to feel
a little bit slippy
before bedtime.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
The last time I bought skincare
the website
I bought it from said
because you've spent
over X amount of money
you're entitled
to a free sample.
Choose one of the following
things, we'll send it on.
Great, I love a freebie.
The one I chose, though,
was purely out of curiosity
because it was called
"Youth Serum"
and I thought, "What the fuck
is youth serum?"
Are they going to send me
the skin of a child
to lie over my own?
Then I thought,
what if it looks like
teddy bear ham?
I fucking love teddy bear ham!
And then I thought,
how youth are we talking?
Am I gonna get pulled over
by the police
while I'm driving my car
and they're gonna go,
"How are you driving this?"
And I'm going to go, "I'm 47
I'm just covered
in teddy bear ham, look!"
But also, "Youth Serum",
to me
sounds too much like
teenage boys' jizz.
Urgh!
[IN A CROSS VOICE]: "Your sheets
are covered in youth serum
Jamie, you dirty
fucking bastard".
I imagine there's factories
just teenage lad lined up
after teenage lad
cracking one out to a catalogue.
And number seven on my list
of the seven signs of ageing
is fuck you,
it's a privilege to get old
because not everybody
gets the chance.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
And I don't just mean
people we've lost.
I also mean people like Madonna.
Stay with me. So...
Whenever Madonna pops up
on my Instagram
I always feel bad for her.
Poor Madonna.
Why isn't she allowed
to get old?
Doesn't seem fair that we're all
allowed to get old
and she isn't.
I would like
to never see Madonna again
cos then I can imagine
she's retired.
She's clocked off.
She's sitting on the sofa in,
like, stained jogging bottoms
watching Escape to the Country,
on a loop.
Maybe she pops to B&Q
and treats herself to one
of those garden kneeler pads
you know
the garden kneeler pads?
Doesn't even cross her mind
she could use it for blowjobs.
Doesn't even cross her mind!
Cos she's retired.
She could hang her crucifix
back up on the wall
instead of jamming it
in her fanny
like she did when I saw her
at the Manchester arena
that time.
I'm sure Jesus
would be relieved.
And he's been in some tough
spots, as we know.
She could reappropriate
her cone bra
for when people come round,
turn it upside down
crisps in one,
nuts in the other.
I think it might be
because she's in America.
I think if she was over here,
we'd treat her better.
I think if she was over here
the rest of her career
would pan out as follows.
I think she'd do six months
behind the bar at the Queen Vic
then she'd do a regional
theatre tour of Calendar Girls
with two Loose Women
and a Nolan.
And finally she would fuck
a professional dancer.
Sorry. Do Strictly.
You do, you do have to spare
a thought for the people
who aren't allowed to get old.
I, for one, can't wait
to let myself go...
a bit more.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But we all started buying
stuff online, didn't we?
One of the things
I had to start buying online
was sanitary towels.
Give me a "woo" if you're more
of a tampon kind of gal?
[SOME WOMEN]: Woo!
- Yeah.
Anybody like a sanitary towel?
[SOME WOMEN WHOOP]
Anybody favour a moon cup?
[WOMEN MURMUR]
- Yeah, a couple of people.
I don't think my husband
definitely knows
what moon cups are
cos I mentioned them to him
and he went
"Moon Cup dot com"
It's not a really clever way
they've found
if you've been able to send
some menstrual blood
to your Auntie Jenny
for her birthday.
"Ooh, look, it says
you can personalise it.
Let's write 'Jenny'
in all the clots".
[AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS]
[SARAH LAUGHS]
But I think
we're loyal, aren't we?
We're loyal to brands
that we like.
I could spot
the kind of sanitary towel
I've always used
at 100 yards in a Superdrug.
That's the sort of test
you should be doing
at the fucking optician.
I'd have nailed that!
Do I know what they're called
when I have to type them
into a computer?
Do I shite.
I went on the Boots app
and I thought,
"How many different kinds
of sanitary towels
can there possibly be?"
Turns out a bazillion.
And they all have sort of key
words on them
like "discreet"
"sensitive"
"pro-fresh"
"instant dry"
and "long", and I thought...
"Yes, I'll have
all of those things, please".
Turns out it's very much
an either/or situation.
I thought, who is choosing
between these things?
"Would you like them
to be discreet?"
"No, I don't mind
if people can tell".
"Would you like them
to be sensitive?"
"No, I don't mind
if me fanny is red raw".
"Would you like them
to be pro-fresh?"
"No, I don't mind
if I smell of roadkill".
"Would you like them
to be instant dry?"
"No, I prefer to be always wet.
I like to feel like
I've either just pissed myself
or I'm super turned on".
"Would you like them
to be long?"
"No, as long as
it covers the..."
spout?
I don't know what it's called.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
One thing I didn't know is
that sanitary towels
are now sized
and I don't mean
the size of the pad itself
I mean the size of
the person wearing it.
I thought,
"Oh my God...
we as women get judged
on so many different things
and now I'm about to be judged
on the size of me twat.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's just a matter of time
before Grazia's telling us
what size twat is fashionable
next spring.
But there is good news
for the fatties amongst us
cos it is based solely
on the size of your thigh gap.
Gap?
Gap?
Gap?
What fucking gap?
I've barely got a knee gap.
Although there was
a moment fairly recently
when I thought I might
actually have a thigh gap.
I walked past a mirror
in bra and knickers
and there was a chink of light
between my thighs
and I thought, "Fucking hell,
I have got a thigh gap!"
On closer inspection
it was a bit of silver foil
off a two-stick KitKat.
My thighs are flush against
each other, as suspected.
I once caught a fork between
my thighs in a restaurant.
Hu-argh!
I think whatever
you've got down there
you shouldn't be judged
on the size of it.
That's not fair, is it?
Having said that...
you know how men with big
dicks...
Give us a cheer! No, don't.
Don't!
You know how men with big dicks
sometimes use lube?
Do men
with small dicks use chalk?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's a good question, isn't it?
There was a man the other day
said, "No, talc".
[SHE LAUGHS]
Genuinely wasn't expecting
somebody to answer.
And also talc has a different
image to me
cos talc's like that,
where chalk...
Why am I thinking chalk
like a fucking snooker cue?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"Blow on that, will you, love,
before we get cracking?
Just blow on it".
I always get annoyed
by my period.
I've had period
for over 30 years.
I've never wanted children,
not a moment, not a flicker.
I'm sure
a lot of you have got kids
you're having a great time
and that's smashing for you.
It's not for me.
It's not for me at all.
The best way I can describe
how annoyed I get
every time my period starts
is like this.
Imagine you've got
a friend at work.
She's called Deborah.
She's great.
Deborah's got a rabbit hutch
and every month
she cleans it out.
Puts fresh bedding in,
fresh water in the water bottle
fresh food in the food bowl,
looks spotless. Amazing.
Spick and span.
And you say to her,
"Deborah...
are you ever
going to get a rabbit?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And she goes,
"Nah, I fucking hate them".
That's what periods are to me.
I feel like I'm making up
the guest bedroom
for a visitor
that will ruin my fucking life.
Enjoy your new baby, madam.
But I also have
very heavy periods.
Not today. Not in any danger
on the front there.
Huargh!
Wouldn't do that to you.
I do have very heavy periods.
You know the old saying
"It's like trying to get
blood out of a stone"?
I think they should update that.
I think it now should be
"Eee, it's like trying
to get blood
out of a mattress
topper".
"In a hotel".
I do have very heavy periods.
I feel like
the beginning of my period...
It's quite tricky
to explain this.
At the beginning of my period,
it's a little bit like
my arse is in competition.
Oh, some of you already know
what I mean. That's good.
That's helpful.
It's a little bit like
my arse is going
"Oh, are we have a big
clear-out?
I'll have a big clear-out
as well, if that's alright?"
I feel at the beginning
of my period
nothing could shock me.
Nothing could shock me.
If I turn round,
looked down that toilet
there was a dead rat
just floating...
I'd be like,
"Sure, makes sense".
The cast of The Walking Dead,
just climbing out.
The girl off The Ringpopping
up over the side.
Sometimes I look down
that toilet
looks like the first 20 minutes
of Saving Private Ryan.
I did say there would be
some upsetting scenes.
But I feel like the, um,
the pre-sex routine
the preparation before sex,
if you like
is very different for men
as it is for women.
For example, the first thing
I do is I put my sex glasses on.
They're varifocals.
So I can see what's going
and what's coming.
Maybe you try an activity.
A friend of mine told me her
and her partner
tried a bit of role play
where they pretended
they'd never met before
to make it a bit sexier.
We've done a version of that.
We sometimes pretend
we're people who aren't tired.
And he pretends I'm a woman
who's shaved her legs.
I spend proper time on the
preparation though, proper time.
One of the first things I do,
is I hack it back.
Some of you know what I mean.
Some of you aren't so sure.
If you're not sure what I mean
I'm sure you've seen
a nature documentary
where somebody has to clear
a path with a machete.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's a bit like that.
Can't always see
what I'm doing down there
there's lots of boobs
and bellies in the way.
Sometimes I set up a complicated
system of mirrors.
Mostly I just do it by feel.
And they say
childbirth is painful
and I'm sure it is,
but it can't be as bad
as nipping a lip
in your craft scissors.
Even now whenever I trim the fat
off bacon, I get flashbacks.
I don't trim the fat off bacon!
I treat my pre-sex routine like
I'm trying to sell a house.
Clear away excess foliage
Febreze the soft furnishings...
familiar bread smell...
yeast.
It's different for blokes,
though, isn't it?
In my limited experience
straight men just wash
their cocks.
That's it, isn't it? Just...
Not even always all of it,
sometimes just the end part.
Of course, some of them
have to wash all the chalk off.
Ah!
But I said to my husband, I said
"Horses do more than you".
He said, "What"?
I said, "Horses do more
than you". It's true.
I've got a friend.
She's got a horse.
Her horse has a special lady
who comes out
just to wash his knob.
I mean,
how do you get into that?
And by that, I don't mean...
[IN A LUSTFUL VOICE]:
"How do you get into that?"
Also, how
at the end of your tether
as a careers advisor are you
before you slam shut
your folder and go
[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "How are you
with horses' cocks"?
It's done for medical reasons,
done for health reasons.
They do it because they have
to clear out what are called
"smeg beans"...
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
...which are exactly
what you think they are.
Don't they also sound
a little bit like
something you could get
from IKEA?
"I only went in
for a nest of tables
came out with a massive bag
of smeg beans".
I was trying to explain
to my husband what they were
and I sort
of nervously Googled it.
You know,
Google has a habit of finishing
the rest of the search for you.
I typed in "smeg beans"
and Google went
"smeg beans grinder",
and I was like
"How bad are they that you have
to grind them off?"
And then I realised it's a posh
coffee machine, isn't it?
"Smeg beans grinder".
Ah!
Also explains
why John Lewis had it
in four different colours.
When I had...
had a smear test
before the first lockdown.
Not like my friend who had to
have one during the lockdown.
She had awful trouble getting
her fanny at the right angle
for the Zoom meeting.
And she had, as she told me
she'd let herself
"flourish down there".
That's her words, not mine,
she'd let herself flourish.
She said in order for them
to see anything at all
she had to use
a couple of scrunchies.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I was very lucky, I had mine
before the first lockdown.
Give me a "woo" if you've had
a smear test
in the last three years?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
All very proud of ourselves,
as we should be.
It's very important.
I made an appointment
at the doctors, went along
to the doctor's surgery,
went to the nurse's room
she pulled the curtain round,
told me to get undressed.
All very normal so far.
I took off my trainers,
my socks, my jeans, my knickers
there was a flicker of a second
where I forgot where I was
I was quite tired that day
and I also took off
my top and my bra.
I thought, I'm gonna have
to really quickly
put these back on again or she's
going to whip the curtain back
and think it's a date.
But as I was putting my top
and my bra back on
she shouted
over the top of the curtain
"What size speculum are you?"
And I thought,
"Am I supposed to know that?"
I've got a horrible feeling
it's one of my security
questions at the bank.
Cos I never know the answers
to them, either.
I think we're all fairly worldly
wise in this room here tonight
but if anybody genuinely doesn't
know what a speculum is
the best way I can describe it
to you, it's basically a carjack
but for fannies.
It's very much that bit.
It's not the bit where they go
in with a spoon...
It's not a spoon, is it?
If she asked me what size spoon
I was, I'd be like
"I'd like to think a table
but I've got a horrible feeling
I'm a ladle".
I didn't know
what size speculum I was.
I texted my husband
cos I thought
"He's been down there a bit,
he might have an idea".
He just sent back a picture
of three of his fingers.
Or two,
if you're a Polish handyman.
But after
the smear test was over
I went into the reception area.
The lady on reception, as soon
as she saw me approach
she said, "Well done".
And I thought that was lovely.
And I said as much. I said,
"Thanks so much for saying that.
We all worry
about these appointments
but they're over in seconds,
only really a bit uncomfortable
and they're so important".
I said "I was worried about it,
but I'm glad I've been.
Thanks so much for saying that.
It means a lot to me".
She said,
"What do you think I said"?
I said,
"You said well done".
She said,
"I said, all done."
Ah shit!
So I picked up my lolly
and my sticker and I fucked off.
Actually, while I'm on
this kind of subject
I've got something to tell you.
There's no comedy here,
I need to tell you this, though.
I went for a mammogram.
It was my first one.
It was routine,
it was all clear.
The lady said to me,
"Did you find
that it hurt very much?"
And I said, "No, it was just a
bit uncomfortable really".
She said, "People always think
that it hurts a lot
and it stops them from coming,
and it's so important
that people come and get checked
and get checked early".
She said, "Could you
do me a favour?
And could you tell your
friends?"
And I got home that night
and I thought
"I think I can go
one better than that"
and I can tell all
of the glorious women
in my audiences
every single night on tour
to get your tits checked,
please.
No joke, just a fact.
It's not that bad,
just get it done.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
But we all gained weight
in the last few years. Yes?
[AUDIENCE]: Yeah.
- Yeah.
I decided I wanted to try
and lose a bit of weight
just the weight I gained
in the lockdown
That was my plan,
and most people
when they decide
to lose weight
there's something that starts
them off, spurs them on
kind of keeps them going.
Maybe there's a holiday photo
and they don't quite like
how they look in it.
Or maybe they're sitting
in a bath of gravy
and it's not even
for Children in Need.
For me, it was
when I sat on a public toilet
and the sanny bin opened
and I hadn't asked it to.
"Did you want me?"
No, but my arse cheeks
seem to disagree.
But I tried really hard.
I tried really hard.
And I lost two stone.
That's alright, isn't it?
I lost two stone.
That's pretty good.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Oh, that's very kind of you.
Thank you.
I say two stone,
it was the same half a stone
four different times.
Nobody gives a shit
if you tell them
you've lost half a stone.
Everybody knows it's just
two big dinners
and a chocolate orange
and the fucker's back on again,
isn't it?
But I've always had a belly
even when
I was much, much slimmer.
I've always had a belly.
I always get offended
when people think
that this is pregnant
like I would ever let
a pregnancy get this far!
No!
But I did a thing
the January before last
that I think a lot of people do,
especially in January
I downloaded a diet app.
Now, the phone I was using
at the time was
a thumb-recognition phone.
It didn't immediately
recognise my thumb.
It just kept juddering.
First of all, I thought my phone
was just really clever
and it was like
"It's a diet app.
We have clearly been stolen".
And then I looked at my thumb
and it was just
covered in biscuit.
So I licked the biscuit off
cos I thought
it might be
my last biscuit in a while
and I downloaded
the diet app.
What came with the diet app
was a WhatsApp group
of other participants.
It was open to all, but my group
happened to be all women
and it was so we could
support each other
and help each other.
Everybody knows diets are
hard, and a bit shit.
Also in the WhatsApp group
was a nutritionist
who was no fun
at all, it transpired.
One of the women asked
a question of the rest of us
a perfectly reasonable question
especially on day one
of a new diet.
She said, "I'm having trouble
with my sweet craving.
Can anybody recommend something
that isn't bad for me
but will help?"
And one of the other women
responded almost immediately
and she said, "I usually find
a mug of hot water
with one small drop
of lemon works for me".
And I just thought
"I'm not going to make it
to the end of the week".
My suggestion was
going to be half a Twix.
Then the nutritionist,
she was called Poppy
of course she fucking was...
she said,
"Can I just chip in?"
And I misread it and I was like
"Chips! Hooray! Nom, nom, nom".
She said,
"Just brush your teeth.
That fixes everything."
I thought, that's so unhelpful.
The only thing that would
help this hunger
if I could eat
me fucking toothbrush
cos I'm so hungry right now.
You daft cow.
Cows...
yum, yum, yum.
There were some recipes
that came with the diet.
I tried one of them.
It was how to make
banana pancakes
out of almost no ingredients.
The first time I tried them,
just looked like vomit in a pan.
Second time managed to make them
look a lot more like pancakes
and I was so excited
and a little bit light-headed
from all of the hunger
that when I ran from the kitchen
to show my husband
I tripped and the plate
smashed on the floor
but because it was a really low
point in the diet for me...
let's call it "day two"
I ate them off the floor!
Then I had to check to see
if the fragments of plate
and cat hair I'd also ingested
counted as my sins for the week.
One of the women in the group
got told off.
Told off, as an adult
got told off
for eating goji berries.
If you've never had goji berries
it's like chewing elastic bands.
She got told off because
goji berries are...
[IN A SMUG VOICE]:
"...full of natural sugar
not really allowed
on this plan".
She wasn't having Coco Pops
with cider poured on.
She was having goji berries
on her Bran Flakes.
Some sad sprinkled
on some more fucking sad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I got told off
for calling it a diet.
What I actually said was,
"I fucking hate this diet".
[IN A SMUG VOICE]: "We don't
like to call it a diet.
We prefer to call it
a way of life".
So I said, "I fucking
hate this way of life!"
She was right, though
cos it was also
my way of life
from the 3rd
to the 5th of January.
But I started to ask questions.
You've got a nutritionist
at your fingertips
why wouldn't you try
and learn something?
I said, "I've got some questions
for you, Poppy. Is that OK?"
She said,
"Fire away, anything you like".
I said,
"I've had a cherry
now, I thought it was OK
cos it's fruit
but now I'm not too sure,
it was on top of a Bakewell.
Is that OK?"
I've had an apple. Are apples
full of natural sugar as well?
It was surrounded
by something called...
What was it called?
Crumble, is that alright?
I've had a banana,
are bananas allowed?
I mean, I ate it
out of a strippers crotch.
Is that alright?
She said that was fine.
Then I explained
it was covered in cream.
I think it was cream.
I couldn't be sure, it was dark.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
- [SARAH LAUGHS]
But the final straw for me
on my last day on the diet
or day three
was when Poppy came on
the WhatsApp group and she said
[IN A SMUG VOICE]:
"Hey, girls"...
Which always pissed me off
because we're all women
in our 40s and 50s.
Fuck off with your "girls".
[SMUG VOICE]:
"Hey, girls, can I just check
if you all definitely challenged
yourselves this week?"
And I was
the first to respond, I said
"I've challenged myself, Poppy".
She said, "Oh good, please
share it with a group".
I said,
"Gladly".
I said, "I challenged myself"
I said "I walked into Asda.
I went to the 'whoops' section.
I found two Belgian buns
that had to be
eaten by midnight
and I fucking did it!"
I was going to say,
"And I'd do it again!"
But I have, several times over
since then.
I've got a friend
who's got really nice hands
and people often compliment her
on her hands
and they say things like
"Haven't you got
piano-player fingers?"
Which I think is such a weird
thing to say to somebody.
Nobody ever looks
at my hands and says
"Haven't you got
tuba-player fingers?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Do you play the sausages?
Sometimes.
The only instrument I've ever
been able to play
is the recorder.
Give me a "woo" if you learnt
the recorder as a kid?
[AUDIENCE]:
Woo!
I like the idea of the recorder
cos I think it's made
to be so simple
you can decide
if you want to pursue
other instruments
off the back of it or not.
Can anybody shout out
any of the songs
that they learnt
on their recorder?
[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]
- London's Burning?
Frre Jacques?What else?
Three Blind Mice.
Little? Little Donkey!
There was a lady the other day
shouted out
[IN A POSH VOICE]:
"Handel's Water Music".
Alright, fucking Cambridge!
I would like to say thank you
to you glorious people
for coming and spending
your evening with me
by playing some of those songs
that you just shouted out.
Now, slight problem.
And I am genuinely
embarrassed by this...
I'm putting it down to the fact
that I've just had a break
off tour, I'm not quite
back in the swing of things
but I forgot to
bring my recorder.
Don't worry. I'm a professional.
I'm going to see
if I can just busk it, without.
And so I heard Frre Jacques
at the back there
Let's start with that one, um...
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
Ho-ho-ho-ho
Ho-ho-ho-ho
That's alright.
That'll do, won't it?
Will that do? Yeah.
We had a London's Burning
round the front as well.
Let's do that one, uh...
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
Ho-ho ha-ha
Ho-ho ha-ha
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I think my favourite one will
always be Three Blind Mice
cos I think it's the easiest.
I don't know, let's find out.
[SHE IMITATES A RECORDER]:
Hee her hoo
Hee her hoo
It's quite easy, isn't it?
Hee her hoo!
It's just a bit higher.
Hee her hoo
Same line again.
Ho haa ha-ha-ho-ha haa ho-ho
Fucking hell, that got hard
very quickly.
The people right
at the back upstairs
are like, "There's no way
she hasn't got a recorder.
This sounds amazing".
I was in...
I was in Australia
a few years ago
on my way back from Melbourne
in quite a fancy airport lounge
and I went to the ladies' loos
which were spotless and silent.
Now, as an IBS sufferer...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
a silent toilet
is not my friend.
I'm seriously considering
employing a man and a trumpet
to just follow me round.
It was spotless and silent.
I took from that
at least there's nobody else in
and I did
what could only be described
as thunderous diarrhoea.
The sort of shit you need
a breather afterwards.
Which is exactly what I did.
I sat back,
some would say slumped
against the toilet
like it was a fucking armchair.
And that's when I heard
[IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]:
Is everything OK?
Luckily I stayed quiet
for long enough
to realise she was on her phone.
Can you imagine if I'd replied?
"Oh, I've just pebble dashed,
but I've got wet wipes
don't worry about me".
But it reminded me of a time
when I was in the car
with my sister.
She was driving.
I was in the passenger seat.
She asked me a question.
While I was thinking
of my response, I farted.
Because I have no thigh gap
it really has to force
its way through.
It essentially sort of quacked
its way to freedom.
And my sister went,
"Exactly!"
And I don't know
what she thinks I answered.
I've got one more thing
to tell you, but before I do
I just want to thank you,
I fucking love doing my job
and it's been
an absolute pleasure
to do it for you guys tonight.
I'm so glad that you came
and were here
for this recording.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I tried in the lockdown, I think
a lot of people were doing this
to eat a bit more healthily
I was trying occasionally
to make vegetables
a bit more interesting.
And what I did, I bought myself
a mandolin.
Now, to avoid the confusion,
I do mean the vegetable slicer
not the musical instrument.
I wasn't thinking
"You know what would jazz
these carrots up?
If somebody's playing a lovely
tune behind me in the kitchen".
The vegetable slicer,
you will have seen them.
I ordered it. It arrived.
I threw away the instructions.
How hard can it be?
I also genuinely threw away
something called
a finger protector.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
Turns out
that bit was quite important
and I sliced the top
of my finger off.
I took it in a bag of ice
to the hospital.
That's what
they do in the films, isn't it?
I took it in a bag of ice
to the hospital.
It was perched
on a slice of courgette.
Like a small pink frog
on a lily pad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I handed it
to the lovely nurse in A&E.
She took it off me,
she looked puzzled.
I thought, "She's working out
whether or not
we can reattach my finger end."
She studied it for way too long.
Then she turned back to me.
She still looked puzzled
and she went...
"What were you having
for your tea"?
That was her confusion!
And then she just dropped it
in the bin.
I said,
"Are we not reattaching it"?
She said,
"No, it'll grow back".
And I didn't believe her
but it has.
It's my middle finger.
It's not even a weird shape.
I mean, it grew back, how
fucking Wolverine is that, eh?
I mean,
I was trying to lose weight
just not fucking chunk by chunk.
And the only way I know
it's not 100% normal is that
it's a little bit too sensitive
and it's a little bit
too tingly.
For a while, I thought
my clitoris had moved.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Ah!
Ah!
Ahhhh!
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much for coming.
Lots of love.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Thank you very much.
Good night!