Sarah Silverman: PostMortem (2025) Movie Script
1
This is the lowest my voice goes.
Oh my gosh, Ali Wong.
Jerry.
My parents?
Ladies and gentlemen
and everyone in between.
-It's time to introduce my former lover.
-Oh, Tina and Amy.
-Yeah, that makes more sense.
-Oops, how did that slip out?
Please put your hands together
for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.
Thank you. Aw.
Wow. Uh, wow!
I accept.
If this doesn't bookend with that,
it's it will be a failure. But
I'm concerned you're setting
yourselves up for disappointment.
But I'm so happy that you're here,
and I'm so happy
to be here in New York City
Ah!
at the Beacon Theatre.
And I This is actually
the middle of my tour.
And, uh, I've come to really love
being on the road, especially now.
You know, just, one,
because I really love
connecting with audiences,
you know, now more than ever.
And, two, because I've really become a, a
a real hotel slut.
I, um
I just love when a hotel is really nice.
You know how You know how you can tell
if a hotel is fancy?
If you come back to your room
and where you left off
in your toilet paper
has been folded in a perfect triangle.
I mean, there's just, I mean,
nothing more luxurious than, um,
knowing that a stranger's fingers
Uh
have handled
something that you will press
to your asshole at some point for sure.
Mm!
It really is how the other half lives.
And, um
I've been with my boyfriend
Rory, for five years.
I should be able to say his name better,
but it's ridiculous.
Rory. Rory.
But, you know, it's enough time that
we do things to jazz things up a little.
Like, uh, lately
I've taken to jerking him off
with my non-dominant hand.
Which is great, you know,
'cause it feels
like someone else is doing it.
And, uh
I was actually a little bit proud
of myself when I thought of that joke.
And Rory was sleeping next to me,
and I woke him up and told it to him.
He goes, "Yeah, that's good.
You know what we call that?"
The Stranger.
"The Stranger."
Everybody knows but me.
I had never heard that before.
And, you know, it's just crazy
because I always feel like, um,
women, in general, are more familiar
with, uh, the experience of a man.
We need to see the world
through a male lens
in order to just survive.
Men don't need to do that, but, um
Yeah, this one got by me.
"The Stranger."
I love it. He goes,
"Yeah, like, uh, I'll use my left hand,
or sometimes I I'll sit on my hand
to numb it up a little."
I mean, swoon.
And, well, I think this is normal, like
We'll do things with sex,
like we'll start talking fantasy talk
sometimes during sex, like
One time, we were fooling around,
and this just came out of my mouth.
I-I didn't plan it.
And I go, "You just showed up
at my summer camp."
And even he was like
But he saved it.
He goes, uh, "But you,
like, own the camp, right?"
I go, "Yeah. Yes."
"I own the camp. Yes."
Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him
What, do I go side to side?
I Whatever.
The position doesn't even matter,
but we were doing it.
And then he goes, he's like,
"This is so crazy.
Like, I don't even know your last name."
And, you know, I'm playing along,
and I said, um,
"It's Hitler."
And
He came immediately, which was
a little disconcerting.
Right here. Right between my
my upper lip and my nose bottom.
Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice
both died last May, nine days apart.
And Oh, that one needs work.
Um
But they really did,
and, uh, I was really close
with both of them.
And my dad was my best friend,
and, uh, they both gave me so much.
And most recently, about an hour
of new material, so let's do this.
Good.
All right, uh
Let me introduce the characters involved.
Uh, first, my dad,
Donald "Schleppy" Silverman.
Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh
Born in Boston, then his family moved to
You've heard of it?
You're like, "I'm from Boston."
You're from Quincy. But, uh
Uh, they moved to New Hampshire,
and that's where I was born and raised.
And, uh,
my dad owned
a discount women's clothing store
called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
It's funny. When I tell people
I'm from New Hampshire, they'll go,
"There are Jews in New Hampshire?"
Then I have to explain to them
that, you know,
even New Hampshire deserves retail.
And, uh
He'd do his own radio ads.
He'd be like, "I'm Crazy Donny."
"When I see the prices at the mall,
I just wanna vomit!"
And then he'd rattle off
a bunch of off-brand brands.
And then at the end, he'd go,
"If you care enough to buy the very best,
but you're too cheap,
come to Crazy Sophie's!"
It You know, I think he named it because
Um, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
He He loved Crazy Eddie from New York,
you know, in the '80s?
And he wanted to do something like that.
And, uh
But he needed it to be a woman's name
'cause it's women's discount clothes.
And then, you know, we're Jewish,
so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name,
so he picked Sophie,
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
And my nana, his mom,
was very upset because
her best friend back in Boston
was Sophie Moskowitz.
And she felt
that he was calling her crazy.
And, uh, he explained to her,
"Mom, if I named the store
after Sophie Moskowitz,
I'd call it Ugly Sophie's Factory Outlet."
And I thought that story was so funny,
so years ago,
I told it on a talk show,
and I didn't realize at the time
that, um, Sophie Moskowitz
was still with us.
And, um
It caused much tsuris
between the families.
But I I did make absolute sure, um,
that she's dead now, so
My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday,
and I almost never picked up the phone
because his messages were gold.
And I committed
a couple of them to memory.
I remember one was around the time
when everybody had cell phones,
like, even in New Hampshire, you know?
And he calls me, and he goes,
"Guess where I am?"
"The car wash. Can you believe it?"
"I'm talking into this hunk of plastic,
and it's bouncing off the sky
and down to you."
The sky. Yeah.
And then he just starts going,
"Oy."
"Oy!"
"Oy!"
His windows were down.
And I was listening to him
get soaked for several minutes.
That is a very specific oy from my dad.
I haven't heard it a lot. Um
We went to exactly one movie together,
uh, when I was younger. Um
It seemed like the perfect movie
by the title, but it really wasn't.
It was called Boys Don't Cry.
Brilliant film,
but don't go see it with your dad.
And, uh
There's an absolutely brutal
sexual assault scene.
And during it,
the entire theater is silent,
and all you can hear is,
"Oy."
"Oy!"
The other message
I committed to memory was, uh
I had I had moved to Los Angeles,
and I was getting jobs,
like, on TV shows and stuff.
And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes,
"I know you're
a real Hollywood hotshot now."
"Maybe you could find time
in your busy schedule
to call back the guy who gave you life."
And then it sounds like he's hanging up,
but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes,
"I used to lift up your little legs
and wipe the shit out of your tuchus."
"Maybe you can find a minute for me."
He He really loved getting old.
He loved it.
He, he, he knew he was adorable.
He loved what he could get away with.
We were at a sandwich shop in LA.
And we're eating,
and these two huge muscle guys
walk over to him
and start, like, threatening him, like
And he's laughing, and they leave,
and I'm like, "What was that?"
He goes, "Oh, I went to refill my Coke,
and then I saw those two big muscle guys."
"So I walked over there,
and I go, 'You know what?'"
"I feel like kicking some ass."
With his little nubby elbows.
He had sacks of water
that just hung off of both of his elbows.
Uh, you know, even the doctor goes,
"I can drain those."
He said, "Nah,
my grandkids like it."
Oh, I was home.
Uh, I took a quick break from tour
to go home for the holidays.
And, uh, at that time,
I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned
because, of course,
death creeps in through the gums.
And, uh, my dad and I had
the same dentist,
uh, Dr. Hernandez,
so it was fun to see him.
And he's cleaning my teeth, and he goes,
"I miss your dad!"
And I go, "I know, I miss him too."
And he goes, "No, you don't understand.
You have to look at my Yelp page."
So this is a little addition
on this half of the tour.
Oh, fuck, I don't have, um
I'm not wearing my glasses
'cause I'm shooting a special.
Somebody throw me some readers. Uh
Just one of you. Some of you. Uh
You know, don't panic. Um
Just chuck 'em right up on stage.
Readers don't have,
like, a specific Okay!
Was that you?
Ooh.
What do you clean these with, salami?
All right.
I'm kidding. Be grateful.
I appreciate you.
This is my dad's Yelp review.
"Five stars."
"My dentist theory is,
if it doesn't hurt, don't fix it."
"At 84, this has worked
pretty good for me."
"Now, I finally find
an exception to my rule."
"And that exception is James Hernandez."
"No time is wasted
with Jimmy at the helm."
"He has golden hands,
fixing what ails your mouth
promptly and efficiently."
"Get rid of your old shit dentist,
and switch to the best."
"Tell him Schleppy sent you."
Oh my God.
So funny.
Uh, he called himself a reverse snob,
which I tried to explain to him
is really just a snob, you know, and, uh
But he hated rich people.
And they would go to Florida
in the winters for a while
'cause Jewish law, and
He would, uh He'd sit at the Starbucks
and heckle people.
He's sitting there, and a guy in a Bentley
pulls into one of the spots.
And my dad stands
at the head of it and starts going
"Good for you!"
"Good for you.
You got yourself a Bentley."
"That could probably feed
100,000 people in Africa."
"But you need a Bentley. Good for you."
My stepmother, she's like,
"I don't know what's going on."
"Your father's been punched in the face
three winters in a row."
Like, if he saw anyone
with a Rolex, he'd be like,
"Oh, nice Rolex."
"My Timex was 30 bucks,
and I can swim in it, but good for you."
"You need a Rolex.
Now everybody knows you're rich."
He really fucking hated rich people
until I started making money.
Then he was like,
"I'm never flying coach again."
Uh, next, my mother,
my biological mother, Beth Ann O'Hara.
And I know some of you are
Your wheels are spinning.
She married an Irish Catholic man.
She's fully Jewish.
You can still jerk off to me.
Um
Beth Ann died eight years ago.
And, um Let me describe her.
She was She was just a natural beauty,
no makeup.
She wore, like,
overalls with paint all over them
'cause she'd paint in them,
and, um, like, two different color socks.
And, uh, she had a jewelry box,
but it was filled
with, like, political pins.
And like, you know, no bra,
nipples out 'cause fuck the man.
And then, in contrast to that,
her personality was
She I don't This isn't an original way
to describe her,
but she really was exactly
Diane Chambers from Cheers.
Like, she really said, like
when and where, and
you know, grammar and diction
and enunciation were her passions.
We l remember being with her as a kid.
We were ordering food.
And she goes, um,
"I'll have the breakfast croissant."
And, you know,
we live in Manchester, New Hampshire.
They say "avocaydo" there. I
I'm like, "Mom"
The girl's like, "The what?"
"The croissant, the breakfast croissant."
I'm like, "Mom, it's a Croissan'wich."
"We're at Burger King.
Like, meet people where they're at."
She, um
She was a director.
She directed local theater
in Manchester, New Hampshire.
And she was a born director.
You know, little notes,
little corrections for everyone she met.
Never met a comment card
she didn't fill out.
Um
She was actually the voice
of our local movie theater,
uh, Bedford Mall Cinemas.
Um, "Where all bargain matinees are
only two dollars Monday through Saturday."
And she got the job, um,
because she complained.
She went right in and said,
"I called to see what movies were playing,
and the man on the line
was indecipherable."
"He had no diction. I couldn't understand
a word he was saying."
They were like, "You wanna do it?"
She was like,
"IWell, I don't know. I"
"Yes!"
"Yes! Okay!"
And, uh, a star was born.
She really never lied.
It would never occur to her to lie,
even to, like, protect someone's feelings.
She just She just didn't do it,
you know? Like, uh
She was directing a play,
and, and one of her young actresses
asked her, you know,
"Beth Ann, do you think
I could really make it someday?"
And she said, "No!"
The only reason I know that story was
I was asking my sister Susie
if she had any stories about Mom,
and she told that to me, and I said,
"How do you know that? Were you there?"
And she said, "No."
"Mom told me 'cause she couldn't
figure out why that girl was crying."
That girl
Pam Sullivan.
Right. You've never heard of her, right?
Not talented.
Did not have it.
But, you know, she was my mom.
I You know, I sat with her
as she was dying.
And I was holding her hand,
and it was a quiet moment.
And it was the last thing she said to me,
and she looked up, and she said,
"Your hair."
"It's so dry."
I really wouldn't change it
for the world, you know?
I know it sounds like
I'm being hard on her,
but honestly, I'm so grateful.
She always told me the truth,
and it was a bummer a lot of the time.
But sometimes it was something nice,
and then I knew it was true, you know?
I mean, I think we need more Beth Anns
in the world, you know?
Uh, if we're lacking anything
in this world right now,
it's it's truth, you know?
The cold, hard, braless nipples of truth.
Enter Janice, my wicked stepmother,
um, as she called herself.
She was just the sweetest lady
you could ever meet.
Um
Just to give you a, um idea.
Like, bleach-blonde hair.
Face full of makeup.
Nails that match the shoes.
A whole outfit.
She had a style.
Very different from my mother. Um
And so sweet.
And one time, she picked me up after work,
and I got in the car,
and she said,
"What do you think of my makeup?"
And, uh, because I am
my mother's daughter
I did have several notes.
But because I was also Janice's daughter,
I did know to shut the fuck up
and tell her it was beautiful.
And honestly, thank God I did,
um, because then she said,
"It's tattooed!"
Janice was very literal.
What do I mean by that? I don't even know,
but she, she needed, like,
specific instructions, you know?
She wasn't dumb. She was literal.
She needed
She was very good at sports, for instance,
'cause she could learn each step.
You know, like You know how, like,
I put my hair in a ponytail?
It's just like
You know? I feel like she'd be like,
"You pull the hair through,
and then you twist."
"Then you put the hair through that."
You know what I mean? She's very step-by
You know how you scramble an egg?
You just gotta kinda have a feel for it.
I feel like Janice would be like,
"You put the fork in,
and then you put it in
a hundred little circles."
I was in the car with her, and, uh, I go,
"Janice, do you have any ChapStick?"
And she looks, and she goes,
"Oh, shit."
"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, I don't."
And I go, "It's okay."
And then, like, a moment later, she goes,
"I have something called
Vaseline Lip Therapy."
"Yeah, that's great. I"
"You know I'm not sponsored
by ChapStick, right?"
Uh, my sister Laura is
just an all-around artist.
She does everything,
and she had painted something,
and she thought,
"Oh, Janice would like this."
So she mailed it to her,
and then Janice got it.
And she called Laura,
and she goes, "How did you know?"
And Laura goes, "Know what?"
And she goes, "It's all my colors."
"Tan, bronze, and animal print."
This woman.
You know, I've been doing stand-up
since I was 17.
And when I think back at my younger years,
at how absolutely cunty
and judgmental I was,
I'm so embarrassed.
Like, I remember thinking, like,
"Ugh. Women in leopard print is so lame."
Like, "It's so tacky."
"Only old Jewish and Italian women
wear leopard print."
And then I turned 50, and I realized,
you know, it's such a fun print.
Um
So as Dad and Janice got older,
when they would have
doctor's appointments,
we would have them record on their iPhone,
you know, on the voice memo app.
And then they would post that
on our family WhatsApp chain
so we could listen to it and make sure
everything was being taken care of.
And The Silverman family
is so up each other's assholes
with WhatsApp chains, by the way. We, uh
We've got, like, Silverman United,
like, everyone WhatsApp chain.
And then there's four sisters,
so then we have the, like,
the sisters chain with us.
And then, um, like,
all the sisters minus one
and all the different combinations.
So Janice has this doctor's appointment,
and we know it's gonna be bad news.
We know it's We're pretty sure
it's gonna be very bad news.
And we have them record, and, uh
they post it on WhatsApp.
And we're listening back,
and you hear the doctor say,
"Janice, I'm so sorry to tell you this."
"But you have stage-four pancreatic"
And then all of a sudden,
you just hear this very loud,
low, rolling fart.
And it's it's, like, three seconds.
And I know people say three seconds
to denote, like, a quick amount of time.
But if you really think about it,
like, with Mississippis,
it's lengthy, you know?
And I I know it's my dad.
You're probably like, "Oh yeah,
I bet Schleppy farted all the time."
I I've never heard him fart
in my life. I just
I know that he did not have
the tools to handle this,
and so his body took over.
And now I'm sitting there going,
"Stage-four pancreatic what?"
But I used context clues.
Their individual reactions to this news
I'm still listening, you know,
and Janice is just
Her reaction is so Janice, you know?
She just goes,
"Well, I'll just do
everything you tell me."
"And I'll I'll just do
every single thing you say,
and I'll I'll fight it."
And like, it was just so her.
And then my dad's reaction
was the craziest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
I'm not kidding.
You just hear him go,
"I'm alone!"
Then he goes,
"I'm a widow!"
I know my mother, Beth Ann,
is out there somewhere going,
"It's widower," and But, Mom
Um
It was so crazy.
Uh
I I'm the designated dad whisperer,
and I was tasked with calling him.
And I had to say,
"Dad, you cannot talk that way
in front of your alive wife."
"You have to
pull your shit together, okay?"
"This isn't about you."
"This is about Janice.
You have to take care of Janice."
"You have to focus.
You can't, like, fall down right now."
And he said, "I know, I know."
And then he started sobbing.
And I've really never heard him
do that, you know?
And he goes, "I just I don't wanna be
in a world without my Janice."
"I just don't wanna be here without her."
And I just I wanted to console him,
and I looked for something to say,
and I said, "Well, you know,
statistically, you won't."
And
I mean
I didn't know that was gonna come true. I
Obviously, this is
not a time to say,
"I told you so," or anything. I
But we got off the phone.
He promised he was gonna
take care of Janice.
And the next day, I did talk to Janice,
and she said that she asked him
for a glass of water.
And he said,
"Where is it?"
"Where is water?"
It's in your elbows, Dad.
Find yourself a Capri Sun straw,
and pop it in there.
She'll go to town.
So, needless to say, uh,
the four sisters and the few grandkids
descended on to their apartment.
And we kinda
We doula-ed them through death.
And death is is
It's really hard for me.
And that's what makes me unique.
And, uh No, I I know it's not.
But it is. It's hard for me.
It's very hard for me to even,
like, kill a small bug,
and, you know,
almost impossible
to make it look like a suicide.
I, um
They're so little.
We had flies We had flies in the house,
a lot of flies, and I won't
I don't wanna kill anything, and I just
I opened the door and was just kinda,
like, air traffic controlling them, like,
"Go! Pssh!"
But in their defense, you know,
I realize they are houseflies.
They were in their natural habitat,
so I let it go.
But then, um, there were too many flies
up in our bedroom,
and it was too much,
and I I didn't like it.
I didn't like it at all.
And Rory was like, um
"Do" Ror I can say it if I say it fancy.
Rory. Rory.
Rory was like, uh,
"Uh, you want me to get rid of them?"
And I said,
"What do you mean get rid of them?"
He said, "Do you want them gone?"
I said, "Okay."
And I went outside the room,
and I shut the door,
but I I stayed, and I listened.
And all of a sudden, I heard,
like, smash! Smack! Bam!
And I was like
And he must have heard me go
And, uh, then he got quiet.
And then I heard him open the window,
and then he goes,
"Bye, guys!"
"Fly safe!"
I know.
And I know he did that for me, you know?
I mean, I know he murdered them,
but he lied for me, you know?
I think I The reason why I have
such an affinity for flies
Oh my God,
we're still talking about flies?
Yes. I do have
about four more minutes on flies.
But, like, a million years ago,
I learned this fun fact that, um,
flies, they only live for 24 hours.
Like, that's their whole lifespan.
And I don't know,
there's something about that that's so,
uh, beautiful
and heartbreaking and poetic,
you know, like, a whole lifetime in a day.
And, uh, I don't know,
I just think it's so
You know, this is when
I actually first learned this.
I was a writer/feature performer
on Saturday Night Live.
Thank you. I I made an indelible impact.
And, uh, it was, uh, the 1993-94 season,
just to give you an idea
of how good I look, and
I had just learned that fun fact,
and it was Phil Hartman's last year.
-Aw.
-And Not of life, but
at the show.
He went on, and he did
that, uh, NewsRadio, you know?
And, uh, he was so nice,
and he said, he goes,
"Hey, why don't you write a sketch
for us to do together?"
And I was like, "Okay."
And I wrote a sketch,
and it was about flies.
You know, like, it it starts with, uh,
one of those, like, Star Wars crawls
that explains it.
"The average fly lives 24 hours."
Blah, blah, blah.
And then he played, like,
an elderly fly on his deathbed,
like, twenty-three and a half
hours old.
And I'm, like, a young fly,
just sprouted wings,
and he's telling me
the ways of the world, like, you know,
"I remember noon," or whatever.
And, uh
And then, I don't remember it,
but at the end,
like, a dog comes
and takes a shit and then leaves.
And then he says something
to me like, "Go get it, kid." And, uh
You're not gonna believe this.
It didn't make the air. But, uh
I just, like
I think flies are just so cute.
And I don't understand why we kill them.
I mean, we love animals
when they're small.
And then they get too small,
and you're like, "Kill them."
You're monsters.
They're so little, you know,
with their, like, their little wings
and their giant eyes,
and they've got their hands going
like they're hatching a plan, you know?
Like, I was brushing my teeth,
and there he was, a little baby fly,
just sprouted wings.
And I was like,
"Welcome to the world, buddy.
You're gonna have such an adventure."
And then, um, that night,
I was washing my face,
and there he was.
He was all grizzled and old and, like,
wasn't even He wasn't flying anymore.
He would just take, like,
a stilted half-step now and then.
And I said, "You did it, man."
"What a ride."
And Rory was in the bathroom.
And he said,
"I don't think that's the same fly."
I
I think it's just this moment in time,
in our world, in our country.
I just I don't want a man
to tell me anything.
Not Just not And not anything at all.
And it it's not right
but this is how I feel.
I said, "It's the same fly,
but thank you."
Then he has the fucking lips to go,
"Are you sure flies only live 24 hours?"
I'm like"You know what?
Maybe you should look it up."
"Because what do I know?
I'm just a girl. I probably dreamt it."
And he did back down,
and he's like, "Okay, okay." But, um
I did end up looking it up,
and they live about a month, but, um
I don't know. You know
I don't give a fuck! No.
So Janice went first.
Four months to the day.
She loved life-- Was that too fast a turn?
She loved life so much.
She wanted to live, you know?
She did everything right.
And it just sucked, and
And this seems like a good time
to mention, um,
I do have merch this tour.
How fun is that?
You know, I've never really
had merch before.
You know, we got Schleppy hats
and Postmortem T-shirts,
and, like, big, gray, like,
collegiate sweatshirts that say Silverman.
It makes me feel
like I went to college, and, uh
You know, I
I never really had merch before,
but I just really feel like my parents
would want me to monetize this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, uh, like I said, Janice went first,
and we knew it was coming.
And, uh, I had actually gone home
that night to sleep.
And I got a text from my sister Susie,
who's a rabbi, around 7:00 a.m.
And she said, uh
She said, "Janice passed away
around 2:00 a.m."
"And she's still here,
and Dad is sleeping."
"They're holding hands."
They were holding hands.
And she said, "You know, normally,
Dad would be up, but I think he,
in his bones, you know, he
he knows, and he just
doesn't wanna face it."
"Um, but I'm here,
I'm sitting right next to him,
and I'll be here when he wakes up."
And I said, "Okay, great."
And then all of a sudden,
she remembers this joke
that she and my dad always loved.
And the joke is something like,
uh, a brother calls his brother,
and he goes, uh, "The cat died."
And then the brother goes,
"Don't just call and say the cat died."
He goes, "What do you want me to say?"
He goes,
"Call and say the cat's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."
"Then call and say, 'We're at the vet.
It's not looking good.'"
"Then call and say, 'The cat died.'"
And the brother says, "Okay, I'm sorry."
And his brother goes,
"It's all right. How's Mom?"
And You're ahead of it.
He says, "She's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."
So now Rabbi Susie
remembers this all in one minute,
and she just she's hysterically laughing.
And she is a rabbi,
but when she starts, she can't stop.
And it's loud,
and tears are running down her face.
And she just can't stop.
And she's now terrified that Dad is gonna
wake up and be like, "What's so funny?"
And she'd be like, "Janice died."
And she texts me, and she goes,
"When he wakes up,
should I say that Janice is on the roof,
and we can't get her down?"
And I'm like, "Yes!"
Because we are a very dark,
fucked-up family, but I
I did think better of it,
and I said, "No, be a rabbi."
"And later in the day, uh,
I'll tell him."
But it's so funny. We're
We're only just grieving, like, now,
you know, because it took
There's just so much logistics.
You don't expect it.
It's not how it is,
like, in the movies or something.
It's just There's so much to do, and I
I feel bad saying this.
They were such responsible people,
but the craziest thing is
they made no death plan.
And so we were left with so much to do.
And I I don't want to blame
I mean, listen, in their defense,
they were only 80 and 85.
Who knew?
And I guess I basically knew
what they wanted.
Like, my dad always said,
"Throw me in a pine box and bury me."
"I'll push up the flowers
and the trees." And
I think Janice would've liked
a nice, you know, five-star, kind of,
silk-lined
With a maybe a string and a bell
just in case.
Um
But I remember, you know,
they came over every Sunday,
uh, for bagels and cream cheese,
and it was just my favorite day.
And they were over,
maybe this was two years ago,
and, uh, everyone was in the backyard,
and my dad and I were alone
in the kitchen, and I asked him, I said,
"Are you afraid of dying?"
And he goes, "Not at all."
"I don't remember before I was born.
I'm not gonna remember after."
But then he goes,
"But I'm just I'm scared it will hurt."
And he My dad was a huge pain pussy.
He, um It's true.
He was so afraid it would hurt.
He once got a, you know, an EKG,
where they put all the stickers on you.
He would not pull those stickers off.
He's like, "I'm afraid
it will pull my hair."
He goes, "I'm gonna let it wear off."
And he really did.
I mean, it took, like, weeks.
He was in a pool at one point
with all these EKG stickers.
He looked like a like a dog
that just had puppies.
So he he really wasn't scared,
but he was, he was scared it would hurt.
And his doctor called me.
We're taking care of him now,
and Janice is gone.
And I'm the point person,
so I answer the phone,
and I take it in the hallway,
and his doctor, Dr. Nortman, said, um,
"Listen, we just got
your dad's blood results back,
and he's dying."
"He needs to be in the hospital."
And I said,
"I don't know what to do because I"
"We promised him no more hospital."
"He fucking hates it there."
And the doctor said, "You know, look,
as a doctor,
I have to suggest he go to the hospital."
"As a human being, I you know,
I think that's fine."
"If he goes to the hospital,
he'll live a few more days,
but they'll be hospital days."
"And right now, he's home,
he's surrounded by family,
and I I actually think
that's just the ticket."
Then he said,
"The way he's gonna die is kidney failure,
which just happens to be
a painless death."
"You go into a fog, eventually."
"It's almost euphoric,
and you're just gone."
And I was so excited for my dad,
and I ran into his room.
I probably should've taken a beat.
I said, "Dad, great news!"
He's like, "Huh?"
I'm like
"Mitigate your expectations.
You're dying."
But I said, "No more meds."
You know, he was on, like, 40 pills a day.
He goes, "No more meds?"
I go, "None. You're done."
"And we're all gonna
live here with you forever."
Aww.
And What?
He knew what I meant though.
And then I told him exactly
how he was gonna die
and that it wasn't gonna hurt at all.
And his shoulders went down,
and he was so happy.
We all got into bed with him.
It was a great death, you know?
We we were singing old camp songs.
He loved camp.
And, uh, telling funny
Silverman family stories.
I made a mix for him
of all the biggest hits
from the summer he was 17
'cause I feel like
that was his happiest summer.
And he knew every word to every song.
It was pretty awesome.
So, you know, Janice is gone,
Dad is going,
and I'm back on the phone
with the same mortuary where we put Janice
to try to get ahead of it.
And I go into Dad's room, and I said, um,
"Dad, I know you wanted to be buried,
but would you mind
being cremated? Only because"
And what I'm about to say is
It's gonna be bad for the Jews.
But I
I did get a deal on Janice's plot.
I really did. I, uh
"It's called a 'plus one,'
and you can be buried with her,
like, three feet above,
but you have to be cremated to fit."
And he goes,
"I don't give a fuck. I'll be dead."
And I'm like, "Ah! You're so easy."
"We'll take it. Thank you."
And the guy from the mortuary goes,
"Uh, was that your father?"
I said, "Yeah."
And he said, uh,
"We can't schedule a cremation
for someone who's currently living."
Like he said it like I was the asshole.
You know, I
I'm like, "You're a Jewish mortuary.
You shouldn't even be offering cremation."
"All of a sudden, you're a stickler?" I
What am I supposed to do?
Like, cremation takes one to two weeks.
Like, in Jewish,
the funeral is, like, the next day.
It's It's very farm-to-table. And, like
Huh.
Oh, and then I go, "And by the way,
Janice had tattoos."
I mean, it was her lips
and her eyebrows, but still, she did.
But, you know, then I realized
we don't need the ashes for the funeral.
It's, you know
He's not really there.
It's It's for us. A funeral is for us.
And, uh, I don't think
anyone's gonna be like,
"Yeah, where are the ashes?"
You know, just
We just We had a beautiful funeral,
and a couple weeks later,
we got the ashes, and the four sisters
did a little something, you know, but
I don't know, I My therapist said,
"Your parents, your loved ones,
they're not in the casket."
"They're not in the ground."
"They're They're in the car with you
on the way to the cemetery."
"They're in the car with you
going home from the cemetery."
And I really believe that.
I I happen to be godless,
but I do believe in science, and I know
that energy cannot be created
nor destroyed.
I wrote that.
And
And I believe that. I
You know, our our loved ones,
they're not in the ground
or in their bodies anymore. They're
But their energy, their
their essence, their "-ness" is out there,
and I actually think
that our loved ones are watching over us.
You know, maybe not all the time,
but in the important moments, um,
like when we're masturbating or
Oh, Sarah.
I don't know why I would say that.
I think I
Like, I need to think that
in order to come, but
I just Because the show is so sad,
and then I worry,
and then I go too far
the other way, but I
It's a balance.
But I I do think
I do think that our loved ones
are watching over us when we masturbate.
As
As evidenced by the faint, "Oy."
Oy!
Oy!
Really? Huh.
Thanks.
So, uh, you know, now my dad is dying,
and, oh my God, he's being so funny.
Like, at one point, he goes, um
He musters up all his energy, and he goes,
"I changed my mind."
"I want to live."
And my sister Susie, the rabbi, goes
And I go, "Susie, he's fucking with you."
And then Susie came to the show
when I was on tour a couple weeks ago.
And she came backstage,
and she goes, "Are you kidding me?"
"You were the one that gasped,
and I was the one that told you
he was fucking with you."
And then, um,
I had to explain to her that,
like, that's not who she is in this.
And
So we're taking turns sitting with him
and sleeping next to him, and, uh
at one point,
Rory is, um He's sitting with my dad.
And my dad's phone went off.
And I don't understand how old people
They don't know how to use a smartphone,
but somehow they hack into it
and make the volume 1,000.
And, um
Also, the ringtone was
"The Star-Spangled Banner," and, uh
Rory's like, uh,
"You want me to answer this?"
"It's somebody named Steve Forman."
And my dad goes, "Okay."
So he puts it on speaker,
and he holds it up.
And this guy Steve Forman goes,
"Schleppy, say it ain't so!"
And they have a little conversation,
and it's very sweet, and they hang up.
And, uh, my dad says to Rory,
"You know who that was?"
"You ever hear of imitation crab?"
Hm.
Rory's like, uh, "Yeah, they, like, put it
in sushi sometimes, right?"
And, uh, my dad goes,
"That guy invented imitation crab."
And he looked it up. He really did.
"In 1970, and now he's rich."
And so Rory goes, "That's amazing.
How'd you meet him?"
And my dad goes,
"Dunkin' Donuts."
They met at Dunkin' Donuts,
and now they're having
a conversation on his deathbed.
Um, a lot of my friends came by
to say goodbye to him
because, uh, like,
my dad played poker with us.
So a lot of my friends,
my comic friends, um, knew him.
And, uh, Jeff Ross, you know, uh,
Jeffrey Ross,
the, uh, Roastmaster General.
Um
The best roaster in town.
He's been very close
to my parents for a long time.
And he came to sit with him,
and when he walked in, he goes,
"Schleppy, I got bad news."
"I don't think you can be
my emergency contact anymore."
And, uh
He sat with him and, actually, um,
Jeff introduced my dad and Janice
to a friend of his,
this older, uh, magician
named Bernie Shine.
And they all became friends,
like, the last ten years or so.
And they had gone Dad and Janice
had gone to see Bernie perform,
like, six months earlier, you know?
So Jeff is sitting with my dad,
and he goes,
"You want me to FaceTime Bernie
so you can say goodbye?"
And he said, "Okay."
And he FaceTimes him, and he holds it up.
And Bernie gets on,
and he says, "Donald, I'm so sorry."
And my dad said,
"Bernie, your show was so bad,
it killed Janice."
And then he goes,
"And I'm not feeling so hot either."
He was He was killing while dying.
And he was supposed to, you know
This was supposed to be it.
And, you know, it was
I think we reached this time
where, like, we had really said it all,
and he was, like, um
like, not dying, you know?
And it was, honestly,
getting uncomfortable, a little bit.
It was
It was awkward, and, uh
So I'm sitting with him,
and, you know, we had said it all, and
I said, um,
"I dunno, you wanna watch TV?"
He goes, "Okay."
And we watched, um Oh.
We watched that series Beef,
you know, with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun.
So fucked up, dark.
We love that shit, and it was great.
We watched three episodes,
and then I went home to sleep.
And so I came in the next morning.
I go, "Schleppy, you ready
for episode 4?" And he goes,
"I watched it."
"You watched it without me? What"
"All right, what episode are you on?"
He goes, "I binged it all."
"My dad binged Beef on his deathbed"
should be a billboard for Beef, really.
He had a friend There was a guy
named Barry Tatelman.
Absolute mensch.
Uh, we didn't know him
until about 15 years ago.
He He searched for my dad.
And, uh, he found him on Facebook,
and they've been close the last 15 years.
Why was Barry Tatelman
searching for my dad?
Because my dad was his camp counselor
and changed his life.
And, you know, ever since he died,
all these old men have called
into my podcast to say, you know,
"Your dad was my camp counselor
and and changed my life."
Well, he molested them.
Relief laugh.
So, uh, Schleppy did die,
painlessly, as promised.
And it's so odd, you know,
because I now have no parents.
And there's really no age
where you are ready,
uh, to have no parents.
You know, first, my stepdad, John O'Hara,
who didn't even make this special.
So wonderful.
And my mother, Beth Ann, who,
you know,
didn't get away unscathed, per se.
And then Janice, and now my dad, and
My experience is like, um
At first, I really
I felt rudderless, I think, you know?
And, um
And then I kind of felt, like,
identity crisis-y, you know?
Like, who am I without them?
You know? Like, who am I
without them?
And if you ever are wondering
who you are, uh,
take a look at the ads that are sent
to you and only you on your phone.
That's who you are.
Everybody knows about it now.
It's not like
You know, everyone knows targeted ads.
Like, Siri's listening to you,
and Alexa's listening to you.
And everything you type
into your search bar
gets taken into account and fed to you.
But there was a time
when this was happening,
and we were not aware of it.
And, uh, you know, like,
I would look at my phone and be like,
"Oh my God, I was just talking
about culottes," or whatever.
Ads would would just pop up,
and and when I think about that time,
I'm so embarrassed
at how absolutely indignant I was.
You know, I remember saying,
"I was reading The New York Times
op-ed section on my phone,
and all of a sudden,
an ad pops up for ilovecum.com?"
"Children could be reading this!"
"Why would The New York Times
sell ad space to these people?"
And, of course,
it's because, um, they're not. They
That was just my phone
knowing me.
I don't want you to think of me, like,
typing in ilovecum.com.
First of all, it's a .org, but
I didn't even know
it was a website, really.
You know, I just was typing in
whatever my search words were at the time,
like, you know,
"penises ejaculating" or whatever,
and my phone was like,
"Stop typing. I've got you."
And it would take me there, you know?
It was like, my phone's way of saying,
"When there was only
one set of footprints"
"that's when I was carrying you."
"I got you. I got you."
I know what you were thinking.
"This cum joke better have
a Jesus reference, or I'm leaving."
Well, I deliver.
God's love I deliver.
I said, um, cum.com so many times,
you're gonna get ads for it.
So, like I said,
we're really just grieving now, and, uh
It's interesting to me because,
you know, three out of four
of us are godless.
Of the sisters, not society at large.
That would be amazing.
Um
But we're on our WhatsApp,
our sisters WhatsApp, and we're grieving.
And it does occur to me
that grief is a lot like religion because
we're trying to make sense of something
that is beyond our comprehension.
We're trying to understand something
that may not be understandable.
And, like, Susie wrote, um,
"You guys, two birds
landed in my windowsill,
and I know it was them."
And, you know, Jodyne and Laura
were like, "It was them!"
And I I wanna contribute.
I I I hearted it. And then, um
Laura was like, "I was at Target,
and a woman walked up to me
and told me I looked gorgeous in purple."
"And I know that was Janice."
And Susie and Jodyne were like,
"It was Janice!" You know?
And I'm like
Boop, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
You know, and, um
But it was actually
what Jodyne said that got me.
You know, she said, um
She said, "You guys,
I farted for like four seconds."
And I said, "It's Dad!"
Um
I miss him so much.
I mean, I am I'm okay.
I am okay, but I just ache for him.
And the thing that surprises
me so much is that
I don't find myself missing, like,
young, able-bodied Dad
or the Dad that took care of me
and went to all my games.
I don't know why this is,
but I find myself missing the the end,
like, the the final days.
The quiet times
when I'm taking care of him,
and, like, he would literally
have to tell me, uh, when he had to pee.
And then I would have to take his penis
and put it in a jug, and
"Penis in a jug" sounds like a
like a dessert
at TGI Fridays or something.
But it's not.
And, um
But in those times,
even, like, wiping his ass and, like,
changing his diaper, I was
At first, I was so
I was like, "Dad, are you horrified?"
And he was like, "I don't give a fuck."
And once I knew that, I could really, um
you know, not enjoy,
but, uh, I felt honored to
I wanted to keep him clean, you know?
And maybe you guys are thinking, like,
"Ugh, I would never wanna, like, do that."
But you will.
You will be able to do
You know, it's like when someone goes,
"I wanna get a dog,
but I don't wanna pick up its shit."
And then on day one,
you're like, "Good boy!"
"Oh my God!"
It just goes away, and you don't care,
and you wanna do it.
And it's in those moments
when I get to keep him clean, you know?
And I can tell him things,
you know, like, "Dad, I love you,"
and "Dad, thank you."
And also, you know,
"Who's wiping the shit
out of whose tuchus now, asshole?"
Thank you so much.
Thank you, the Beacon Theatre,
and what an incredible audience, and
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
This town is getting smaller
They're turning off the water too
No returns
Never used
Never used
I left the party favor
Forgot to sign the waiver
With you
Never burn
Never bruise
Never bruise
This is Crazy Sophie's husband.
I could just vomit when I see
all the stuff the department stores pull
to get you into
their overpriced emporiums.
Spend your time at the mall.
Spend your money at Crazy Sophie's.
When you care enough to get the very best
but too cheap to pay for it,
the answer is
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet!
You wear an off-the-shoulder
Your feet are getting colder
With you
Never burn
Never bruise
Never bruise
I'm with you
This is my first, uh,
whatever the fuck you call it.
And, uh, this is one of many to come.
And you're gonna laugh You're gonna cry
You're gonna stink
You're gonna sigh
And this is what a feminist looks like!
The kids are getting older too
Never met them, have you
-I have to talk to you about something.
-Yeah?
I've been thinking about this.
-Are you listening?
-Yeah.
I don't think you should be
my emergency contact anymore.
I don't know. I think I should be.
All right, well,
you better be there for me.
Yeah.
-Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?
-Oh yeah.
What did he say?
"Are you still with
your sweet girlfriend?"
You already trying to bang my girlfriend?
-Hi, Honey.
-Hi, Sarah.
It being Shabbas,
I thought I'd give you a call.
Oh, I got this new battery for my bicycle.
Thank you so much for finding the guy,
and I love it.
Oh, I could probably go to Fargo on it,
so cancel the airline tickets
uh, because this has got so much power.
Um, anyway, or as they say
in New Hampshire, anyways,
love you.
Hope you're doing well.
Bye-bye.
How do I hang this fucking thing up?
This is the lowest my voice goes.
Oh my gosh, Ali Wong.
Jerry.
My parents?
Ladies and gentlemen
and everyone in between.
-It's time to introduce my former lover.
-Oh, Tina and Amy.
-Yeah, that makes more sense.
-Oops, how did that slip out?
Please put your hands together
for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.
Thank you. Aw.
Wow. Uh, wow!
I accept.
If this doesn't bookend with that,
it's it will be a failure. But
I'm concerned you're setting
yourselves up for disappointment.
But I'm so happy that you're here,
and I'm so happy
to be here in New York City
Ah!
at the Beacon Theatre.
And I This is actually
the middle of my tour.
And, uh, I've come to really love
being on the road, especially now.
You know, just, one,
because I really love
connecting with audiences,
you know, now more than ever.
And, two, because I've really become a, a
a real hotel slut.
I, um
I just love when a hotel is really nice.
You know how You know how you can tell
if a hotel is fancy?
If you come back to your room
and where you left off
in your toilet paper
has been folded in a perfect triangle.
I mean, there's just, I mean,
nothing more luxurious than, um,
knowing that a stranger's fingers
Uh
have handled
something that you will press
to your asshole at some point for sure.
Mm!
It really is how the other half lives.
And, um
I've been with my boyfriend
Rory, for five years.
I should be able to say his name better,
but it's ridiculous.
Rory. Rory.
But, you know, it's enough time that
we do things to jazz things up a little.
Like, uh, lately
I've taken to jerking him off
with my non-dominant hand.
Which is great, you know,
'cause it feels
like someone else is doing it.
And, uh
I was actually a little bit proud
of myself when I thought of that joke.
And Rory was sleeping next to me,
and I woke him up and told it to him.
He goes, "Yeah, that's good.
You know what we call that?"
The Stranger.
"The Stranger."
Everybody knows but me.
I had never heard that before.
And, you know, it's just crazy
because I always feel like, um,
women, in general, are more familiar
with, uh, the experience of a man.
We need to see the world
through a male lens
in order to just survive.
Men don't need to do that, but, um
Yeah, this one got by me.
"The Stranger."
I love it. He goes,
"Yeah, like, uh, I'll use my left hand,
or sometimes I I'll sit on my hand
to numb it up a little."
I mean, swoon.
And, well, I think this is normal, like
We'll do things with sex,
like we'll start talking fantasy talk
sometimes during sex, like
One time, we were fooling around,
and this just came out of my mouth.
I-I didn't plan it.
And I go, "You just showed up
at my summer camp."
And even he was like
But he saved it.
He goes, uh, "But you,
like, own the camp, right?"
I go, "Yeah. Yes."
"I own the camp. Yes."
Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him
What, do I go side to side?
I Whatever.
The position doesn't even matter,
but we were doing it.
And then he goes, he's like,
"This is so crazy.
Like, I don't even know your last name."
And, you know, I'm playing along,
and I said, um,
"It's Hitler."
And
He came immediately, which was
a little disconcerting.
Right here. Right between my
my upper lip and my nose bottom.
Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice
both died last May, nine days apart.
And Oh, that one needs work.
Um
But they really did,
and, uh, I was really close
with both of them.
And my dad was my best friend,
and, uh, they both gave me so much.
And most recently, about an hour
of new material, so let's do this.
Good.
All right, uh
Let me introduce the characters involved.
Uh, first, my dad,
Donald "Schleppy" Silverman.
Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh
Born in Boston, then his family moved to
You've heard of it?
You're like, "I'm from Boston."
You're from Quincy. But, uh
Uh, they moved to New Hampshire,
and that's where I was born and raised.
And, uh,
my dad owned
a discount women's clothing store
called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
It's funny. When I tell people
I'm from New Hampshire, they'll go,
"There are Jews in New Hampshire?"
Then I have to explain to them
that, you know,
even New Hampshire deserves retail.
And, uh
He'd do his own radio ads.
He'd be like, "I'm Crazy Donny."
"When I see the prices at the mall,
I just wanna vomit!"
And then he'd rattle off
a bunch of off-brand brands.
And then at the end, he'd go,
"If you care enough to buy the very best,
but you're too cheap,
come to Crazy Sophie's!"
It You know, I think he named it because
Um, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
He He loved Crazy Eddie from New York,
you know, in the '80s?
And he wanted to do something like that.
And, uh
But he needed it to be a woman's name
'cause it's women's discount clothes.
And then, you know, we're Jewish,
so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name,
so he picked Sophie,
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
And my nana, his mom,
was very upset because
her best friend back in Boston
was Sophie Moskowitz.
And she felt
that he was calling her crazy.
And, uh, he explained to her,
"Mom, if I named the store
after Sophie Moskowitz,
I'd call it Ugly Sophie's Factory Outlet."
And I thought that story was so funny,
so years ago,
I told it on a talk show,
and I didn't realize at the time
that, um, Sophie Moskowitz
was still with us.
And, um
It caused much tsuris
between the families.
But I I did make absolute sure, um,
that she's dead now, so
My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday,
and I almost never picked up the phone
because his messages were gold.
And I committed
a couple of them to memory.
I remember one was around the time
when everybody had cell phones,
like, even in New Hampshire, you know?
And he calls me, and he goes,
"Guess where I am?"
"The car wash. Can you believe it?"
"I'm talking into this hunk of plastic,
and it's bouncing off the sky
and down to you."
The sky. Yeah.
And then he just starts going,
"Oy."
"Oy!"
"Oy!"
His windows were down.
And I was listening to him
get soaked for several minutes.
That is a very specific oy from my dad.
I haven't heard it a lot. Um
We went to exactly one movie together,
uh, when I was younger. Um
It seemed like the perfect movie
by the title, but it really wasn't.
It was called Boys Don't Cry.
Brilliant film,
but don't go see it with your dad.
And, uh
There's an absolutely brutal
sexual assault scene.
And during it,
the entire theater is silent,
and all you can hear is,
"Oy."
"Oy!"
The other message
I committed to memory was, uh
I had I had moved to Los Angeles,
and I was getting jobs,
like, on TV shows and stuff.
And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes,
"I know you're
a real Hollywood hotshot now."
"Maybe you could find time
in your busy schedule
to call back the guy who gave you life."
And then it sounds like he's hanging up,
but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes,
"I used to lift up your little legs
and wipe the shit out of your tuchus."
"Maybe you can find a minute for me."
He He really loved getting old.
He loved it.
He, he, he knew he was adorable.
He loved what he could get away with.
We were at a sandwich shop in LA.
And we're eating,
and these two huge muscle guys
walk over to him
and start, like, threatening him, like
And he's laughing, and they leave,
and I'm like, "What was that?"
He goes, "Oh, I went to refill my Coke,
and then I saw those two big muscle guys."
"So I walked over there,
and I go, 'You know what?'"
"I feel like kicking some ass."
With his little nubby elbows.
He had sacks of water
that just hung off of both of his elbows.
Uh, you know, even the doctor goes,
"I can drain those."
He said, "Nah,
my grandkids like it."
Oh, I was home.
Uh, I took a quick break from tour
to go home for the holidays.
And, uh, at that time,
I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned
because, of course,
death creeps in through the gums.
And, uh, my dad and I had
the same dentist,
uh, Dr. Hernandez,
so it was fun to see him.
And he's cleaning my teeth, and he goes,
"I miss your dad!"
And I go, "I know, I miss him too."
And he goes, "No, you don't understand.
You have to look at my Yelp page."
So this is a little addition
on this half of the tour.
Oh, fuck, I don't have, um
I'm not wearing my glasses
'cause I'm shooting a special.
Somebody throw me some readers. Uh
Just one of you. Some of you. Uh
You know, don't panic. Um
Just chuck 'em right up on stage.
Readers don't have,
like, a specific Okay!
Was that you?
Ooh.
What do you clean these with, salami?
All right.
I'm kidding. Be grateful.
I appreciate you.
This is my dad's Yelp review.
"Five stars."
"My dentist theory is,
if it doesn't hurt, don't fix it."
"At 84, this has worked
pretty good for me."
"Now, I finally find
an exception to my rule."
"And that exception is James Hernandez."
"No time is wasted
with Jimmy at the helm."
"He has golden hands,
fixing what ails your mouth
promptly and efficiently."
"Get rid of your old shit dentist,
and switch to the best."
"Tell him Schleppy sent you."
Oh my God.
So funny.
Uh, he called himself a reverse snob,
which I tried to explain to him
is really just a snob, you know, and, uh
But he hated rich people.
And they would go to Florida
in the winters for a while
'cause Jewish law, and
He would, uh He'd sit at the Starbucks
and heckle people.
He's sitting there, and a guy in a Bentley
pulls into one of the spots.
And my dad stands
at the head of it and starts going
"Good for you!"
"Good for you.
You got yourself a Bentley."
"That could probably feed
100,000 people in Africa."
"But you need a Bentley. Good for you."
My stepmother, she's like,
"I don't know what's going on."
"Your father's been punched in the face
three winters in a row."
Like, if he saw anyone
with a Rolex, he'd be like,
"Oh, nice Rolex."
"My Timex was 30 bucks,
and I can swim in it, but good for you."
"You need a Rolex.
Now everybody knows you're rich."
He really fucking hated rich people
until I started making money.
Then he was like,
"I'm never flying coach again."
Uh, next, my mother,
my biological mother, Beth Ann O'Hara.
And I know some of you are
Your wheels are spinning.
She married an Irish Catholic man.
She's fully Jewish.
You can still jerk off to me.
Um
Beth Ann died eight years ago.
And, um Let me describe her.
She was She was just a natural beauty,
no makeup.
She wore, like,
overalls with paint all over them
'cause she'd paint in them,
and, um, like, two different color socks.
And, uh, she had a jewelry box,
but it was filled
with, like, political pins.
And like, you know, no bra,
nipples out 'cause fuck the man.
And then, in contrast to that,
her personality was
She I don't This isn't an original way
to describe her,
but she really was exactly
Diane Chambers from Cheers.
Like, she really said, like
when and where, and
you know, grammar and diction
and enunciation were her passions.
We l remember being with her as a kid.
We were ordering food.
And she goes, um,
"I'll have the breakfast croissant."
And, you know,
we live in Manchester, New Hampshire.
They say "avocaydo" there. I
I'm like, "Mom"
The girl's like, "The what?"
"The croissant, the breakfast croissant."
I'm like, "Mom, it's a Croissan'wich."
"We're at Burger King.
Like, meet people where they're at."
She, um
She was a director.
She directed local theater
in Manchester, New Hampshire.
And she was a born director.
You know, little notes,
little corrections for everyone she met.
Never met a comment card
she didn't fill out.
Um
She was actually the voice
of our local movie theater,
uh, Bedford Mall Cinemas.
Um, "Where all bargain matinees are
only two dollars Monday through Saturday."
And she got the job, um,
because she complained.
She went right in and said,
"I called to see what movies were playing,
and the man on the line
was indecipherable."
"He had no diction. I couldn't understand
a word he was saying."
They were like, "You wanna do it?"
She was like,
"IWell, I don't know. I"
"Yes!"
"Yes! Okay!"
And, uh, a star was born.
She really never lied.
It would never occur to her to lie,
even to, like, protect someone's feelings.
She just She just didn't do it,
you know? Like, uh
She was directing a play,
and, and one of her young actresses
asked her, you know,
"Beth Ann, do you think
I could really make it someday?"
And she said, "No!"
The only reason I know that story was
I was asking my sister Susie
if she had any stories about Mom,
and she told that to me, and I said,
"How do you know that? Were you there?"
And she said, "No."
"Mom told me 'cause she couldn't
figure out why that girl was crying."
That girl
Pam Sullivan.
Right. You've never heard of her, right?
Not talented.
Did not have it.
But, you know, she was my mom.
I You know, I sat with her
as she was dying.
And I was holding her hand,
and it was a quiet moment.
And it was the last thing she said to me,
and she looked up, and she said,
"Your hair."
"It's so dry."
I really wouldn't change it
for the world, you know?
I know it sounds like
I'm being hard on her,
but honestly, I'm so grateful.
She always told me the truth,
and it was a bummer a lot of the time.
But sometimes it was something nice,
and then I knew it was true, you know?
I mean, I think we need more Beth Anns
in the world, you know?
Uh, if we're lacking anything
in this world right now,
it's it's truth, you know?
The cold, hard, braless nipples of truth.
Enter Janice, my wicked stepmother,
um, as she called herself.
She was just the sweetest lady
you could ever meet.
Um
Just to give you a, um idea.
Like, bleach-blonde hair.
Face full of makeup.
Nails that match the shoes.
A whole outfit.
She had a style.
Very different from my mother. Um
And so sweet.
And one time, she picked me up after work,
and I got in the car,
and she said,
"What do you think of my makeup?"
And, uh, because I am
my mother's daughter
I did have several notes.
But because I was also Janice's daughter,
I did know to shut the fuck up
and tell her it was beautiful.
And honestly, thank God I did,
um, because then she said,
"It's tattooed!"
Janice was very literal.
What do I mean by that? I don't even know,
but she, she needed, like,
specific instructions, you know?
She wasn't dumb. She was literal.
She needed
She was very good at sports, for instance,
'cause she could learn each step.
You know, like You know how, like,
I put my hair in a ponytail?
It's just like
You know? I feel like she'd be like,
"You pull the hair through,
and then you twist."
"Then you put the hair through that."
You know what I mean? She's very step-by
You know how you scramble an egg?
You just gotta kinda have a feel for it.
I feel like Janice would be like,
"You put the fork in,
and then you put it in
a hundred little circles."
I was in the car with her, and, uh, I go,
"Janice, do you have any ChapStick?"
And she looks, and she goes,
"Oh, shit."
"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, I don't."
And I go, "It's okay."
And then, like, a moment later, she goes,
"I have something called
Vaseline Lip Therapy."
"Yeah, that's great. I"
"You know I'm not sponsored
by ChapStick, right?"
Uh, my sister Laura is
just an all-around artist.
She does everything,
and she had painted something,
and she thought,
"Oh, Janice would like this."
So she mailed it to her,
and then Janice got it.
And she called Laura,
and she goes, "How did you know?"
And Laura goes, "Know what?"
And she goes, "It's all my colors."
"Tan, bronze, and animal print."
This woman.
You know, I've been doing stand-up
since I was 17.
And when I think back at my younger years,
at how absolutely cunty
and judgmental I was,
I'm so embarrassed.
Like, I remember thinking, like,
"Ugh. Women in leopard print is so lame."
Like, "It's so tacky."
"Only old Jewish and Italian women
wear leopard print."
And then I turned 50, and I realized,
you know, it's such a fun print.
Um
So as Dad and Janice got older,
when they would have
doctor's appointments,
we would have them record on their iPhone,
you know, on the voice memo app.
And then they would post that
on our family WhatsApp chain
so we could listen to it and make sure
everything was being taken care of.
And The Silverman family
is so up each other's assholes
with WhatsApp chains, by the way. We, uh
We've got, like, Silverman United,
like, everyone WhatsApp chain.
And then there's four sisters,
so then we have the, like,
the sisters chain with us.
And then, um, like,
all the sisters minus one
and all the different combinations.
So Janice has this doctor's appointment,
and we know it's gonna be bad news.
We know it's We're pretty sure
it's gonna be very bad news.
And we have them record, and, uh
they post it on WhatsApp.
And we're listening back,
and you hear the doctor say,
"Janice, I'm so sorry to tell you this."
"But you have stage-four pancreatic"
And then all of a sudden,
you just hear this very loud,
low, rolling fart.
And it's it's, like, three seconds.
And I know people say three seconds
to denote, like, a quick amount of time.
But if you really think about it,
like, with Mississippis,
it's lengthy, you know?
And I I know it's my dad.
You're probably like, "Oh yeah,
I bet Schleppy farted all the time."
I I've never heard him fart
in my life. I just
I know that he did not have
the tools to handle this,
and so his body took over.
And now I'm sitting there going,
"Stage-four pancreatic what?"
But I used context clues.
Their individual reactions to this news
I'm still listening, you know,
and Janice is just
Her reaction is so Janice, you know?
She just goes,
"Well, I'll just do
everything you tell me."
"And I'll I'll just do
every single thing you say,
and I'll I'll fight it."
And like, it was just so her.
And then my dad's reaction
was the craziest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
I'm not kidding.
You just hear him go,
"I'm alone!"
Then he goes,
"I'm a widow!"
I know my mother, Beth Ann,
is out there somewhere going,
"It's widower," and But, Mom
Um
It was so crazy.
Uh
I I'm the designated dad whisperer,
and I was tasked with calling him.
And I had to say,
"Dad, you cannot talk that way
in front of your alive wife."
"You have to
pull your shit together, okay?"
"This isn't about you."
"This is about Janice.
You have to take care of Janice."
"You have to focus.
You can't, like, fall down right now."
And he said, "I know, I know."
And then he started sobbing.
And I've really never heard him
do that, you know?
And he goes, "I just I don't wanna be
in a world without my Janice."
"I just don't wanna be here without her."
And I just I wanted to console him,
and I looked for something to say,
and I said, "Well, you know,
statistically, you won't."
And
I mean
I didn't know that was gonna come true. I
Obviously, this is
not a time to say,
"I told you so," or anything. I
But we got off the phone.
He promised he was gonna
take care of Janice.
And the next day, I did talk to Janice,
and she said that she asked him
for a glass of water.
And he said,
"Where is it?"
"Where is water?"
It's in your elbows, Dad.
Find yourself a Capri Sun straw,
and pop it in there.
She'll go to town.
So, needless to say, uh,
the four sisters and the few grandkids
descended on to their apartment.
And we kinda
We doula-ed them through death.
And death is is
It's really hard for me.
And that's what makes me unique.
And, uh No, I I know it's not.
But it is. It's hard for me.
It's very hard for me to even,
like, kill a small bug,
and, you know,
almost impossible
to make it look like a suicide.
I, um
They're so little.
We had flies We had flies in the house,
a lot of flies, and I won't
I don't wanna kill anything, and I just
I opened the door and was just kinda,
like, air traffic controlling them, like,
"Go! Pssh!"
But in their defense, you know,
I realize they are houseflies.
They were in their natural habitat,
so I let it go.
But then, um, there were too many flies
up in our bedroom,
and it was too much,
and I I didn't like it.
I didn't like it at all.
And Rory was like, um
"Do" Ror I can say it if I say it fancy.
Rory. Rory.
Rory was like, uh,
"Uh, you want me to get rid of them?"
And I said,
"What do you mean get rid of them?"
He said, "Do you want them gone?"
I said, "Okay."
And I went outside the room,
and I shut the door,
but I I stayed, and I listened.
And all of a sudden, I heard,
like, smash! Smack! Bam!
And I was like
And he must have heard me go
And, uh, then he got quiet.
And then I heard him open the window,
and then he goes,
"Bye, guys!"
"Fly safe!"
I know.
And I know he did that for me, you know?
I mean, I know he murdered them,
but he lied for me, you know?
I think I The reason why I have
such an affinity for flies
Oh my God,
we're still talking about flies?
Yes. I do have
about four more minutes on flies.
But, like, a million years ago,
I learned this fun fact that, um,
flies, they only live for 24 hours.
Like, that's their whole lifespan.
And I don't know,
there's something about that that's so,
uh, beautiful
and heartbreaking and poetic,
you know, like, a whole lifetime in a day.
And, uh, I don't know,
I just think it's so
You know, this is when
I actually first learned this.
I was a writer/feature performer
on Saturday Night Live.
Thank you. I I made an indelible impact.
And, uh, it was, uh, the 1993-94 season,
just to give you an idea
of how good I look, and
I had just learned that fun fact,
and it was Phil Hartman's last year.
-Aw.
-And Not of life, but
at the show.
He went on, and he did
that, uh, NewsRadio, you know?
And, uh, he was so nice,
and he said, he goes,
"Hey, why don't you write a sketch
for us to do together?"
And I was like, "Okay."
And I wrote a sketch,
and it was about flies.
You know, like, it it starts with, uh,
one of those, like, Star Wars crawls
that explains it.
"The average fly lives 24 hours."
Blah, blah, blah.
And then he played, like,
an elderly fly on his deathbed,
like, twenty-three and a half
hours old.
And I'm, like, a young fly,
just sprouted wings,
and he's telling me
the ways of the world, like, you know,
"I remember noon," or whatever.
And, uh
And then, I don't remember it,
but at the end,
like, a dog comes
and takes a shit and then leaves.
And then he says something
to me like, "Go get it, kid." And, uh
You're not gonna believe this.
It didn't make the air. But, uh
I just, like
I think flies are just so cute.
And I don't understand why we kill them.
I mean, we love animals
when they're small.
And then they get too small,
and you're like, "Kill them."
You're monsters.
They're so little, you know,
with their, like, their little wings
and their giant eyes,
and they've got their hands going
like they're hatching a plan, you know?
Like, I was brushing my teeth,
and there he was, a little baby fly,
just sprouted wings.
And I was like,
"Welcome to the world, buddy.
You're gonna have such an adventure."
And then, um, that night,
I was washing my face,
and there he was.
He was all grizzled and old and, like,
wasn't even He wasn't flying anymore.
He would just take, like,
a stilted half-step now and then.
And I said, "You did it, man."
"What a ride."
And Rory was in the bathroom.
And he said,
"I don't think that's the same fly."
I
I think it's just this moment in time,
in our world, in our country.
I just I don't want a man
to tell me anything.
Not Just not And not anything at all.
And it it's not right
but this is how I feel.
I said, "It's the same fly,
but thank you."
Then he has the fucking lips to go,
"Are you sure flies only live 24 hours?"
I'm like"You know what?
Maybe you should look it up."
"Because what do I know?
I'm just a girl. I probably dreamt it."
And he did back down,
and he's like, "Okay, okay." But, um
I did end up looking it up,
and they live about a month, but, um
I don't know. You know
I don't give a fuck! No.
So Janice went first.
Four months to the day.
She loved life-- Was that too fast a turn?
She loved life so much.
She wanted to live, you know?
She did everything right.
And it just sucked, and
And this seems like a good time
to mention, um,
I do have merch this tour.
How fun is that?
You know, I've never really
had merch before.
You know, we got Schleppy hats
and Postmortem T-shirts,
and, like, big, gray, like,
collegiate sweatshirts that say Silverman.
It makes me feel
like I went to college, and, uh
You know, I
I never really had merch before,
but I just really feel like my parents
would want me to monetize this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, uh, like I said, Janice went first,
and we knew it was coming.
And, uh, I had actually gone home
that night to sleep.
And I got a text from my sister Susie,
who's a rabbi, around 7:00 a.m.
And she said, uh
She said, "Janice passed away
around 2:00 a.m."
"And she's still here,
and Dad is sleeping."
"They're holding hands."
They were holding hands.
And she said, "You know, normally,
Dad would be up, but I think he,
in his bones, you know, he
he knows, and he just
doesn't wanna face it."
"Um, but I'm here,
I'm sitting right next to him,
and I'll be here when he wakes up."
And I said, "Okay, great."
And then all of a sudden,
she remembers this joke
that she and my dad always loved.
And the joke is something like,
uh, a brother calls his brother,
and he goes, uh, "The cat died."
And then the brother goes,
"Don't just call and say the cat died."
He goes, "What do you want me to say?"
He goes,
"Call and say the cat's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."
"Then call and say, 'We're at the vet.
It's not looking good.'"
"Then call and say, 'The cat died.'"
And the brother says, "Okay, I'm sorry."
And his brother goes,
"It's all right. How's Mom?"
And You're ahead of it.
He says, "She's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."
So now Rabbi Susie
remembers this all in one minute,
and she just she's hysterically laughing.
And she is a rabbi,
but when she starts, she can't stop.
And it's loud,
and tears are running down her face.
And she just can't stop.
And she's now terrified that Dad is gonna
wake up and be like, "What's so funny?"
And she'd be like, "Janice died."
And she texts me, and she goes,
"When he wakes up,
should I say that Janice is on the roof,
and we can't get her down?"
And I'm like, "Yes!"
Because we are a very dark,
fucked-up family, but I
I did think better of it,
and I said, "No, be a rabbi."
"And later in the day, uh,
I'll tell him."
But it's so funny. We're
We're only just grieving, like, now,
you know, because it took
There's just so much logistics.
You don't expect it.
It's not how it is,
like, in the movies or something.
It's just There's so much to do, and I
I feel bad saying this.
They were such responsible people,
but the craziest thing is
they made no death plan.
And so we were left with so much to do.
And I I don't want to blame
I mean, listen, in their defense,
they were only 80 and 85.
Who knew?
And I guess I basically knew
what they wanted.
Like, my dad always said,
"Throw me in a pine box and bury me."
"I'll push up the flowers
and the trees." And
I think Janice would've liked
a nice, you know, five-star, kind of,
silk-lined
With a maybe a string and a bell
just in case.
Um
But I remember, you know,
they came over every Sunday,
uh, for bagels and cream cheese,
and it was just my favorite day.
And they were over,
maybe this was two years ago,
and, uh, everyone was in the backyard,
and my dad and I were alone
in the kitchen, and I asked him, I said,
"Are you afraid of dying?"
And he goes, "Not at all."
"I don't remember before I was born.
I'm not gonna remember after."
But then he goes,
"But I'm just I'm scared it will hurt."
And he My dad was a huge pain pussy.
He, um It's true.
He was so afraid it would hurt.
He once got a, you know, an EKG,
where they put all the stickers on you.
He would not pull those stickers off.
He's like, "I'm afraid
it will pull my hair."
He goes, "I'm gonna let it wear off."
And he really did.
I mean, it took, like, weeks.
He was in a pool at one point
with all these EKG stickers.
He looked like a like a dog
that just had puppies.
So he he really wasn't scared,
but he was, he was scared it would hurt.
And his doctor called me.
We're taking care of him now,
and Janice is gone.
And I'm the point person,
so I answer the phone,
and I take it in the hallway,
and his doctor, Dr. Nortman, said, um,
"Listen, we just got
your dad's blood results back,
and he's dying."
"He needs to be in the hospital."
And I said,
"I don't know what to do because I"
"We promised him no more hospital."
"He fucking hates it there."
And the doctor said, "You know, look,
as a doctor,
I have to suggest he go to the hospital."
"As a human being, I you know,
I think that's fine."
"If he goes to the hospital,
he'll live a few more days,
but they'll be hospital days."
"And right now, he's home,
he's surrounded by family,
and I I actually think
that's just the ticket."
Then he said,
"The way he's gonna die is kidney failure,
which just happens to be
a painless death."
"You go into a fog, eventually."
"It's almost euphoric,
and you're just gone."
And I was so excited for my dad,
and I ran into his room.
I probably should've taken a beat.
I said, "Dad, great news!"
He's like, "Huh?"
I'm like
"Mitigate your expectations.
You're dying."
But I said, "No more meds."
You know, he was on, like, 40 pills a day.
He goes, "No more meds?"
I go, "None. You're done."
"And we're all gonna
live here with you forever."
Aww.
And What?
He knew what I meant though.
And then I told him exactly
how he was gonna die
and that it wasn't gonna hurt at all.
And his shoulders went down,
and he was so happy.
We all got into bed with him.
It was a great death, you know?
We we were singing old camp songs.
He loved camp.
And, uh, telling funny
Silverman family stories.
I made a mix for him
of all the biggest hits
from the summer he was 17
'cause I feel like
that was his happiest summer.
And he knew every word to every song.
It was pretty awesome.
So, you know, Janice is gone,
Dad is going,
and I'm back on the phone
with the same mortuary where we put Janice
to try to get ahead of it.
And I go into Dad's room, and I said, um,
"Dad, I know you wanted to be buried,
but would you mind
being cremated? Only because"
And what I'm about to say is
It's gonna be bad for the Jews.
But I
I did get a deal on Janice's plot.
I really did. I, uh
"It's called a 'plus one,'
and you can be buried with her,
like, three feet above,
but you have to be cremated to fit."
And he goes,
"I don't give a fuck. I'll be dead."
And I'm like, "Ah! You're so easy."
"We'll take it. Thank you."
And the guy from the mortuary goes,
"Uh, was that your father?"
I said, "Yeah."
And he said, uh,
"We can't schedule a cremation
for someone who's currently living."
Like he said it like I was the asshole.
You know, I
I'm like, "You're a Jewish mortuary.
You shouldn't even be offering cremation."
"All of a sudden, you're a stickler?" I
What am I supposed to do?
Like, cremation takes one to two weeks.
Like, in Jewish,
the funeral is, like, the next day.
It's It's very farm-to-table. And, like
Huh.
Oh, and then I go, "And by the way,
Janice had tattoos."
I mean, it was her lips
and her eyebrows, but still, she did.
But, you know, then I realized
we don't need the ashes for the funeral.
It's, you know
He's not really there.
It's It's for us. A funeral is for us.
And, uh, I don't think
anyone's gonna be like,
"Yeah, where are the ashes?"
You know, just
We just We had a beautiful funeral,
and a couple weeks later,
we got the ashes, and the four sisters
did a little something, you know, but
I don't know, I My therapist said,
"Your parents, your loved ones,
they're not in the casket."
"They're not in the ground."
"They're They're in the car with you
on the way to the cemetery."
"They're in the car with you
going home from the cemetery."
And I really believe that.
I I happen to be godless,
but I do believe in science, and I know
that energy cannot be created
nor destroyed.
I wrote that.
And
And I believe that. I
You know, our our loved ones,
they're not in the ground
or in their bodies anymore. They're
But their energy, their
their essence, their "-ness" is out there,
and I actually think
that our loved ones are watching over us.
You know, maybe not all the time,
but in the important moments, um,
like when we're masturbating or
Oh, Sarah.
I don't know why I would say that.
I think I
Like, I need to think that
in order to come, but
I just Because the show is so sad,
and then I worry,
and then I go too far
the other way, but I
It's a balance.
But I I do think
I do think that our loved ones
are watching over us when we masturbate.
As
As evidenced by the faint, "Oy."
Oy!
Oy!
Really? Huh.
Thanks.
So, uh, you know, now my dad is dying,
and, oh my God, he's being so funny.
Like, at one point, he goes, um
He musters up all his energy, and he goes,
"I changed my mind."
"I want to live."
And my sister Susie, the rabbi, goes
And I go, "Susie, he's fucking with you."
And then Susie came to the show
when I was on tour a couple weeks ago.
And she came backstage,
and she goes, "Are you kidding me?"
"You were the one that gasped,
and I was the one that told you
he was fucking with you."
And then, um,
I had to explain to her that,
like, that's not who she is in this.
And
So we're taking turns sitting with him
and sleeping next to him, and, uh
at one point,
Rory is, um He's sitting with my dad.
And my dad's phone went off.
And I don't understand how old people
They don't know how to use a smartphone,
but somehow they hack into it
and make the volume 1,000.
And, um
Also, the ringtone was
"The Star-Spangled Banner," and, uh
Rory's like, uh,
"You want me to answer this?"
"It's somebody named Steve Forman."
And my dad goes, "Okay."
So he puts it on speaker,
and he holds it up.
And this guy Steve Forman goes,
"Schleppy, say it ain't so!"
And they have a little conversation,
and it's very sweet, and they hang up.
And, uh, my dad says to Rory,
"You know who that was?"
"You ever hear of imitation crab?"
Hm.
Rory's like, uh, "Yeah, they, like, put it
in sushi sometimes, right?"
And, uh, my dad goes,
"That guy invented imitation crab."
And he looked it up. He really did.
"In 1970, and now he's rich."
And so Rory goes, "That's amazing.
How'd you meet him?"
And my dad goes,
"Dunkin' Donuts."
They met at Dunkin' Donuts,
and now they're having
a conversation on his deathbed.
Um, a lot of my friends came by
to say goodbye to him
because, uh, like,
my dad played poker with us.
So a lot of my friends,
my comic friends, um, knew him.
And, uh, Jeff Ross, you know, uh,
Jeffrey Ross,
the, uh, Roastmaster General.
Um
The best roaster in town.
He's been very close
to my parents for a long time.
And he came to sit with him,
and when he walked in, he goes,
"Schleppy, I got bad news."
"I don't think you can be
my emergency contact anymore."
And, uh
He sat with him and, actually, um,
Jeff introduced my dad and Janice
to a friend of his,
this older, uh, magician
named Bernie Shine.
And they all became friends,
like, the last ten years or so.
And they had gone Dad and Janice
had gone to see Bernie perform,
like, six months earlier, you know?
So Jeff is sitting with my dad,
and he goes,
"You want me to FaceTime Bernie
so you can say goodbye?"
And he said, "Okay."
And he FaceTimes him, and he holds it up.
And Bernie gets on,
and he says, "Donald, I'm so sorry."
And my dad said,
"Bernie, your show was so bad,
it killed Janice."
And then he goes,
"And I'm not feeling so hot either."
He was He was killing while dying.
And he was supposed to, you know
This was supposed to be it.
And, you know, it was
I think we reached this time
where, like, we had really said it all,
and he was, like, um
like, not dying, you know?
And it was, honestly,
getting uncomfortable, a little bit.
It was
It was awkward, and, uh
So I'm sitting with him,
and, you know, we had said it all, and
I said, um,
"I dunno, you wanna watch TV?"
He goes, "Okay."
And we watched, um Oh.
We watched that series Beef,
you know, with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun.
So fucked up, dark.
We love that shit, and it was great.
We watched three episodes,
and then I went home to sleep.
And so I came in the next morning.
I go, "Schleppy, you ready
for episode 4?" And he goes,
"I watched it."
"You watched it without me? What"
"All right, what episode are you on?"
He goes, "I binged it all."
"My dad binged Beef on his deathbed"
should be a billboard for Beef, really.
He had a friend There was a guy
named Barry Tatelman.
Absolute mensch.
Uh, we didn't know him
until about 15 years ago.
He He searched for my dad.
And, uh, he found him on Facebook,
and they've been close the last 15 years.
Why was Barry Tatelman
searching for my dad?
Because my dad was his camp counselor
and changed his life.
And, you know, ever since he died,
all these old men have called
into my podcast to say, you know,
"Your dad was my camp counselor
and and changed my life."
Well, he molested them.
Relief laugh.
So, uh, Schleppy did die,
painlessly, as promised.
And it's so odd, you know,
because I now have no parents.
And there's really no age
where you are ready,
uh, to have no parents.
You know, first, my stepdad, John O'Hara,
who didn't even make this special.
So wonderful.
And my mother, Beth Ann, who,
you know,
didn't get away unscathed, per se.
And then Janice, and now my dad, and
My experience is like, um
At first, I really
I felt rudderless, I think, you know?
And, um
And then I kind of felt, like,
identity crisis-y, you know?
Like, who am I without them?
You know? Like, who am I
without them?
And if you ever are wondering
who you are, uh,
take a look at the ads that are sent
to you and only you on your phone.
That's who you are.
Everybody knows about it now.
It's not like
You know, everyone knows targeted ads.
Like, Siri's listening to you,
and Alexa's listening to you.
And everything you type
into your search bar
gets taken into account and fed to you.
But there was a time
when this was happening,
and we were not aware of it.
And, uh, you know, like,
I would look at my phone and be like,
"Oh my God, I was just talking
about culottes," or whatever.
Ads would would just pop up,
and and when I think about that time,
I'm so embarrassed
at how absolutely indignant I was.
You know, I remember saying,
"I was reading The New York Times
op-ed section on my phone,
and all of a sudden,
an ad pops up for ilovecum.com?"
"Children could be reading this!"
"Why would The New York Times
sell ad space to these people?"
And, of course,
it's because, um, they're not. They
That was just my phone
knowing me.
I don't want you to think of me, like,
typing in ilovecum.com.
First of all, it's a .org, but
I didn't even know
it was a website, really.
You know, I just was typing in
whatever my search words were at the time,
like, you know,
"penises ejaculating" or whatever,
and my phone was like,
"Stop typing. I've got you."
And it would take me there, you know?
It was like, my phone's way of saying,
"When there was only
one set of footprints"
"that's when I was carrying you."
"I got you. I got you."
I know what you were thinking.
"This cum joke better have
a Jesus reference, or I'm leaving."
Well, I deliver.
God's love I deliver.
I said, um, cum.com so many times,
you're gonna get ads for it.
So, like I said,
we're really just grieving now, and, uh
It's interesting to me because,
you know, three out of four
of us are godless.
Of the sisters, not society at large.
That would be amazing.
Um
But we're on our WhatsApp,
our sisters WhatsApp, and we're grieving.
And it does occur to me
that grief is a lot like religion because
we're trying to make sense of something
that is beyond our comprehension.
We're trying to understand something
that may not be understandable.
And, like, Susie wrote, um,
"You guys, two birds
landed in my windowsill,
and I know it was them."
And, you know, Jodyne and Laura
were like, "It was them!"
And I I wanna contribute.
I I I hearted it. And then, um
Laura was like, "I was at Target,
and a woman walked up to me
and told me I looked gorgeous in purple."
"And I know that was Janice."
And Susie and Jodyne were like,
"It was Janice!" You know?
And I'm like
Boop, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
You know, and, um
But it was actually
what Jodyne said that got me.
You know, she said, um
She said, "You guys,
I farted for like four seconds."
And I said, "It's Dad!"
Um
I miss him so much.
I mean, I am I'm okay.
I am okay, but I just ache for him.
And the thing that surprises
me so much is that
I don't find myself missing, like,
young, able-bodied Dad
or the Dad that took care of me
and went to all my games.
I don't know why this is,
but I find myself missing the the end,
like, the the final days.
The quiet times
when I'm taking care of him,
and, like, he would literally
have to tell me, uh, when he had to pee.
And then I would have to take his penis
and put it in a jug, and
"Penis in a jug" sounds like a
like a dessert
at TGI Fridays or something.
But it's not.
And, um
But in those times,
even, like, wiping his ass and, like,
changing his diaper, I was
At first, I was so
I was like, "Dad, are you horrified?"
And he was like, "I don't give a fuck."
And once I knew that, I could really, um
you know, not enjoy,
but, uh, I felt honored to
I wanted to keep him clean, you know?
And maybe you guys are thinking, like,
"Ugh, I would never wanna, like, do that."
But you will.
You will be able to do
You know, it's like when someone goes,
"I wanna get a dog,
but I don't wanna pick up its shit."
And then on day one,
you're like, "Good boy!"
"Oh my God!"
It just goes away, and you don't care,
and you wanna do it.
And it's in those moments
when I get to keep him clean, you know?
And I can tell him things,
you know, like, "Dad, I love you,"
and "Dad, thank you."
And also, you know,
"Who's wiping the shit
out of whose tuchus now, asshole?"
Thank you so much.
Thank you, the Beacon Theatre,
and what an incredible audience, and
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
This town is getting smaller
They're turning off the water too
No returns
Never used
Never used
I left the party favor
Forgot to sign the waiver
With you
Never burn
Never bruise
Never bruise
This is Crazy Sophie's husband.
I could just vomit when I see
all the stuff the department stores pull
to get you into
their overpriced emporiums.
Spend your time at the mall.
Spend your money at Crazy Sophie's.
When you care enough to get the very best
but too cheap to pay for it,
the answer is
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet!
You wear an off-the-shoulder
Your feet are getting colder
With you
Never burn
Never bruise
Never bruise
I'm with you
This is my first, uh,
whatever the fuck you call it.
And, uh, this is one of many to come.
And you're gonna laugh You're gonna cry
You're gonna stink
You're gonna sigh
And this is what a feminist looks like!
The kids are getting older too
Never met them, have you
-I have to talk to you about something.
-Yeah?
I've been thinking about this.
-Are you listening?
-Yeah.
I don't think you should be
my emergency contact anymore.
I don't know. I think I should be.
All right, well,
you better be there for me.
Yeah.
-Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?
-Oh yeah.
What did he say?
"Are you still with
your sweet girlfriend?"
You already trying to bang my girlfriend?
-Hi, Honey.
-Hi, Sarah.
It being Shabbas,
I thought I'd give you a call.
Oh, I got this new battery for my bicycle.
Thank you so much for finding the guy,
and I love it.
Oh, I could probably go to Fargo on it,
so cancel the airline tickets
uh, because this has got so much power.
Um, anyway, or as they say
in New Hampshire, anyways,
love you.
Hope you're doing well.
Bye-bye.
How do I hang this fucking thing up?