Sasheer Zamata: Pizza Mind (2017) Movie Script
1
- You got this, girl.
This is your special...
and you're special.
Ugh, yuck.
Well, it'll be great.
- You sure about that?
- What did you say to me?
- I asked if you're sure
about your performance.
You don't seem
that confident.
- Well, what do you know?
- I know a lot.
I'm you.
I just don't want you to
get so nervous that you mess up,
like that one time in show choir
when you auditioned for a solo
and they couldn't
hear your voice
because you had
one of those inside farts.
You know, like one
of those farts that's like...
- Yeah, I know.
Why are you
bringing this up now?
You don't have to be so rude.
- I'm not being rude.
- Yes, you are.
You don't have faith in me.
- You don't have faith in you.
- Wow.
You know what?
You're awful,
and I don't need you.
Hey, I'm sorry.
- You don't love me anymore.
- Of course I still love you.
- Then kiss me.
- No.
Okay, yeah, fine.
Oh... oh...
Oh...
Whoa, okay.
Wow.
Whoa-ho.
[giggling]
Oh, oh...
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop, I need to focus.
- You suck.
- [scoffs]
[sighs]
Ow!
- [snickering]
- Did you just hit me?
- Yeah, I did.
- Ow, ow, ow!
[coughing]
- I am gonna kill you!
- Why are you doing this?
- [cackling]
- Stop it!
Ugh!
[glass shatters]
[coughing]
[panting]
Oh, no.
Why did you make me do that?
I guess I'm on my own.
- Psst.
- There you are.
You're all right.
- Yeah, you are too.
You're ready.
- Yeah, I know.
That's what I was saying
the whole time.
But it feels good
to hear you say it.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- Ow.
[suspenseful music]
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
Hello, hello.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys for coming.
[cheering]
Thank you for coming.
I really appreciate it.
This is a very special night
for me.
And I am so glad to be
doing this in New Orleans.
I love it here.
[cheering]
I am such a fan of this place.
I've had so many
messy memories here.
I fell in love here.
[crowd whooping]
It started like
any classic love story.
We were on mushrooms.
And I don't think I'll ever
do mushrooms here again.
New Orleans is spooky
when you're sober.
Like, it's scary enough.
I've real estate signs
that, in all caps, say,
"Haunted."
Like, you're very upfront
about it.
It's like, "Yeah, this is
a one-bedroom apartment",
but you won't be alone."
So we were on mushrooms,
and we were trying
to make out in my hotel room.
Failed miserably.
I don't know if anyone else
has tried to make out
on psychedelics.
I had a hard time figuring out
whose face belonged to who.
So we stopped.
And in the morning,
we discussed our experiences,
and I said that I felt
like the door was wide open
in our room
and there was a third presence,
like a third person there.
And he said
the exact same thing,
which means a pervert died
in that hotel,
and his unfinished business
was to watch us hook up.
And that terrifying realization
actually brought us
closer together,
and that was essentially
the beginning
of our relationship.
So I just want
to find that ghost
and be like, "You can rest now."
My boyfriend and I just had
our two-year anniversary.
[cheering]
Thank you.
I think we'll give it
another two years
before we call it quits.
It's hard.
Relationships are hard.
And I know they take
a lot of work
to be successful and healthy.
But I feel like I'm doing
most of the work,
because I'm fixing him.
And I don't want to be
one of these girlfriends
that's like,
"I need to change my man.
I need to fix him."
Because I love him
the way he is, but...
everything he does is wrong.
And I need to change him.
I like for people
to take their shoes off
when they enter my home.
And he does that
for the most part,
but sometimes he forgets.
And I have wood floors
and a big rug
in the living room.
And we were about
to leave the house,
and he goes,
"Babe, I have my shoes on,
but don't worry;
I'm standing on the rug."
And I was like,
what logic are we working with?
When he saw the wood floors,
did he see lava?
And I explained to him, like,
"No, babe.
"I don't want people to bring
their shoes into my home
"because I don't want them
to track dirt in.
That gives me more
to clean up."
And he looked at me like I was
explaining new math.
Just never occurred to him.
And I also can't tell
if I'm fixing him for me
or for his next girlfriend,
because if we break up
and he starts dating
somebody else,
he's gonna take his shoes off
at the door.
And she's gonna be like,
"He's so clean.
He's so conscientious."
No, bitch, that was me.
I did that.
If you feel like you're
currently dating Mr. Perfect
and he does everything right,
you should thank all the exes
who came before you
for all the hard work
they put in.
Anything that you see
a man do that's considerate,
he's doing it because,
at one point in time,
he made a mistake,
and then some woman
yelled at him.
And if you're not laughing,
it's because you're currently
being yelled at.
And you're welcome.
We already did
the meet-the-parents thing,
which I was nervous about,
because I never introduced
a significant other
to my parents before.
And I think they were just happy
that I brought somebody home,
because I didn't start
dating anybody till I was 23,
and I didn't bring
my boyfriend home
till years after that.
So my mom's request
for a person
got broader and broader
as the years went by.
At first, she was like,
"I want you to bring home
a God-fearing man."
And then years went by,
and I didn't bring
anyone home.
And she goes, "I want you
to bring home a man."
And then years went by,
and she goes,
"I want you to bring home...
a woman?
"It's cool.
"Totally fine.
"I just don't know
what you're doing.
Can't really read it."
And then years went by,
and she goes,
"You know what, you do you.
"I'll just adopt some grandkids.
I don't care anymore."
But it's good.
My relationship with my mom
is getting stronger,
which is really cool.
I figured that, as I got older,
my relationship with her
would be more adult-to-adult.
But what's happening is,
I'm becoming an adult,
and she's becoming a teenager.
Is that happening
to anybody else?
[applause]
It's so strange.
She keeps doing
and saying things
that she thinks
are really cool,
but they just weird me out.
We were talking
about weed recently,
because my brother's going
to art school in Colorado.
So...
He's minoring in weed.
And she goes, "I don't know"
"why he had to go all the way
to Colorado for weed.
I can get weed whenever I want."
And I was like, "You can get
weed whenever you want?"
Do you have a dealer?"
And she goes,
"No, it's in my room."
Which is not "getting" weed.
That's having weed.
And I was like, "Okay."
And she was so proud of it.
She's like, "Yeah, I can smoke
anytime I want."
And I was like, "Cool,"
and then changed the subject
very quickly.
I think that may have been
an invitation
for us to smoke together,
but I didn't want to take it,
because I smoke and drink
to escape my life stressors.
And if I get high with
one of my main life stressors,
I don't think I'm gonna
have a good time.
And when I went to visit her,
I had a rental car,
and I let my mom drive it.
And the steering wheel
was thinner
than the steering wheel in her
car that she drives every day,
so she made note of it
and was like,
"This steering wheel
is too thin.
I like a big,
thick steering wheel."
And I was like, "Okay."
And she goes,
"Yeah, you know why?
'Cause it reminds me
of gripping a big dick."
And I was like, "No!"
And then she kept going...
and was like,
"Yeah, bet you didn't think
I had a preference."
And I was like,
"Why would
I ever think about that?
No, it hasn't crossed my mind."
But looking back at how many
grips and covers and cushions
my mom used to put
on her steering wheel
when I was younger...
safe to say that Mommy
likes it big.
Which is good for me to know,
because it shows me
that we have more in common
that I thought.
I like getting to know my mom
as an adult,
because there were so many holes
of knowledge when I was younger.
There were just so many things
I didn't know.
Like, I knew certain things,
but didn't know the backstory
of those things.
I knew that she doesn't
like white people.
And I could take some guesses
as to why.
But it was never explained.
One day, we were in her car,
and she stopped
to let this old white couple
pass in front of us,
and she lets out this deep sigh
like, "Ugh..."
White people."
And I was like,
"Uh... what's wrong?
They're not even talking to us
right now."
And she goes, "Memories."
And that's where
the conversation ended.
And she would do that a lot.
She'd just chalk things up
to memories,
and I would never follow up
and ask
what those memories were.
And I was so young and just,
like, left to my own devices.
I would, like, make up stories
as to what I thought
she was saying.
Like, I imagined if I asked her,
like, "Mom, what do you mean
when you say memories,"
she'd say something like,
"Well, Sasheer,
when I was 11 years old,
"I went to the public library
in Little Rock, Arkansas.
"And I was buy myself,
"and this old white man
came up to me
"and put his hand
on my shoulder.
"And something
about his hand on my shoulder
"and me holding the book
"sucked us into the world
of the book.
"And we landed
in this magical forest
"where the trees
could talk to us
"and the dirt
tasted like licorice.
"Now, we didn't know
where we were,
"so we split up to find help,
"and the old white man
went one way,
"and I went another way,
"and I found this cave.
"And inside the cave
was this big, beautiful dragon
"with a purple tail
and glittery wings.
"And she spoke to me and said
that she would take care of me
"if I just stayed there
with her.
"I lived with that dragon for
the next three years of my life.
"And on one
of our morning walks,
"Crackle and I...
"that's her name,
Crackle the Dragon...
"we saw the old white man.
"And I don't know
what kind of adventures
"he went through
on this three-year journey
"in this magical land,
"but he looked
totally different.
"He was shirtless,
and he was ripped,
"and he was carrying
a bow and arrow.
"And he saw me with Crackle,
"and he thought
I was in danger.
"And he shot Crackle
through the heart.
"And I cried and said,
"'You don't know
what you're doing!'
"But shooting the dragon
through the heart
"is what we needed
to get back to reality.
"So we landed
back in the library.
"And the old white man
returned to his job
"as the Little Rock
public librarian,
"and I started classes
at a segregated high school.
And that's why
I don't like white people."
[applause]
I eventually asked my mom
about it,
and I was way off.
Way off.
My parents named me Sasheer,
which is hard
for some people to pronounce,
which I get.
There's two "S" s in there.
So...
One's a "sss," one's a "shh."
So it's like, "What do we do?"
And the people
who get my name wrong the most
are white people.
And I don't want
to make it a race thing.
But...
Numbers are in.
Studies have shown
that the demographic that
consistently gets my name wrong
are Caucasian.
I did this show once,
and the host was white,
and probably still is.
And...
She could not get my name
for the life of her.
Kept saying things
like Shasheer or Saheer
and moving letters around
in my name
and attacking it
like a Sudoku puzzle.
And I was like,
"It's cool, really.
You can call me Sheer
for short if you can't get it."
And she looks at me
and she goes,
"Can I just call you Jane?"
And I was like,
"If you want to give me
a slave name."
[applause]
You can't do that.
Just change someone's name
for the convenience.
Is this "Roots"?
Are you trying to Toby me
right now?
And every time that happens,
I want to get so sassy
and be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry my name's
too ethnic for you.
"Sorry you can't fit
all that heritage
in your little lips."
[cheers and applause]
But I don't really have a right
to be angry in that regard,
because my name's
not actually from any island
or African culture.
It's from "Star Trek."
My parents are Trekkies.
Technically Trekkers.
That's what the fans were called
when the show first came out.
And they were watching
an episode together...
Season 2, Episode 50...
And Captain Kirk was flirting
with this alien princess,
as he does.
And he gave her a rose,
and she goes,
"Oh, we have something
like this on my planet,
except it's made out of crystal
and it's called Sasheer."
And my parents were like, "Yes!"
That'll be our daughter."
And they gave each other
a Vulcan high five
and called it a night.
And my parents were
really into Trekkie culture.
My mom found the original script
where my name comes from
and realized that my parents
accidentally misspelled my name.
So she sent me the script
and goes,
"Do you want to change
the spelling of your name?
Just for accuracy purposes."
And I was like, "No."
I was 20 years old
when she sent that to me.
That is way too late.
And I was like, "Also, are you
trying to Toby me right now?"
But I didn't like it.
I didn't like that my name
was from "Star Trek,"
because I didn't want people to
know that my parents were nerds.
So I'd, like, make up
all these different definitions
for my name,
like, "It's a crystal
from... far away."
So far away; Don't look it up."
But I really wanted a name
that connected me
to my culture,
to my background,
like the name
of an African tribe
or a country or a warrior
or something.
But then I got older,
and I started to realize,
I have no reason
to feel that way,
because my name actually does
represent my culture,
and it shows me that I'm part
of an even smaller minority:
Black nerds.
[cheers and applause]
And our struggle is real!
My mom just recently told me
that she's getting into acting,
which is so cool,
because I'm an actress,
and we get a new thing
to talk about.
And it's fun to see her
try a new thing
and be really excited about it.
It makes me very happy.
But I felt bad, because when
she first told me about it,
a little part of my brain
was like,
"That bitch better not
take my parts."
And I don't want
to feel that way,
but there's only so many roles
for black women these days.
And I'm sure some of you
are like,
"You guys are
in different age groups.
You're not gonna compete
for the same roles."
But casting directors can't tell
how old black women are.
They can't.
And there's evidence of this,
because Gabrielle Union
has played a teenager
for three decades.
People also have a hard time
telling black actresses apart.
I was talking to somebody
who works at "SNL"
who's seen my face for years,
and he asked me,
"Didn't you work
at 'The Daily Show'
before you worked here?"
[audience groans]
He was talking
about Jessica Williams.
[sparse cheers]
Exactly, yeah.
[applause]
Okay, she's not here.
No, she's great.
Yeah, she was
the "Daily Show" correspondent.
She is my friend... and not me.
She's not me.
But I want to help this guy out.
I was like, "Oh, well,
I was in an Apple commercial."
"Maybe an Apple commercial aired
"during an episode
of 'The Daily Show, '
and you got confused."
Which would have made him an
idiot if that's what he thought,
but I was still reaching.
And he just looks at me
and goes,
"No, I don't think that's it,"
and walks away,
not knowing his mistake.
And I got so mad at myself.
I was like, why am I doing this?
Why am I hemming and hawing,
trying to make the situation
less awkward
for the person
who made it awkward?
It's not my fault
that he can't tell the
difference between black women.
That's on him.
So I'm done.
I'm not doing that anymore.
[cheers and applause]
I'm done taking responsibility
for someone's awkward situation
that they're gonna put upon me.
I did this show, and a white man
who was in the audience
came up to me afterwards,
and he goes,
"You know, you did something
so funny on 'SNL.'
"You guys did this sketch
"about how there were no
black female cast members
"at the moment,
"and you kept running
in and out of the sketch
"playing different characters,
"like Michelle Obama and Oprah,
and it was so funny."
And I was like,
"Oh, that wasn't me.
"That was Kerry Washington,
from when she hosted.
"And you can probably tell
that wasn't me,
"because the sketch was about
how there were no
black female cast members."
And then he got
very uncomfortable and was like,
"Ugh, god, this is so awkward.
This never happens, ugh."
And I was like,
"I guess, whatever,"
and just walked away.
I was like, I'm gonna let you
live in this all by yourself.
This has nothing to do with me.
And then I'm sitting at the bar,
and he comes up to me
ten minutes later
and slips a $20 bill
in front of me,
and he goes,
"Your drinks are on me."
And I was like,
"Is this hush money?"
What are you doing?
You can't do that,
just throw money at a situation
to make it go away.
I did take that money.
Gonna add that
to my reparations bill.
But that guy actually
didn't have a bad idea.
I should start
charging people $20
every time they confuse me
for another black actress.
And then with that money,
combined with the money
that I actually make from work,
I might start making
as much as a white actor.
[applause]
Sounds like some people
didn't know.
It's true.
I was watching this show
called "Bye Felicia!"
Has anyone heard of it?
It got cancelled, because
I think it offended everybody.
The premise was,
two life coaches
who are black women
make over a basic
white woman's life.
Their words, not mine.
And throughout the episodes,
they would just try to bring out
the inner black woman
out of the white woman...
Or the inner Beyonce,
as they would say
on the show sometimes.
Which is a hard goal
for anyone to get to.
Beyonce?
Most of us would be lucky
to get Kelly or Michelle status.
You want to make
a basic white woman Beyonce.
And so most of the episodes
would be the white woman
showing her new coaches
their lives,
and then the coaches
making judgment calls like,
"Mm-mm, a black woman
would never play
Dungeons and Dragons."
Which was a quote that I pulled
from the episode
I was watching.
And my issue with the show
isn't that it exists
or the sweeping generalizations
of what black women
would or would not do.
My issue with the show is,
I don't know who
would ask a black woman
for life coaching advice
as if we're at the top
of society.
Like, we're doing well.
We have more black women
in positions of power.
We got Michelle Obama, Oprah,
Tyler Perry.
We're doing well.
But if I had to choose
what type of person
would make over my life
so I'm more successful
in the world,
I'd pick a straight white man
every time.
You guys really know
how to dominate the system
that you built for yourself.
Na'mean?
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
[laughs]
Show me your ways, white man.
Give me those secrets.
Show me how to get a cab.
Show me how to speak
in a way that's authoritative
that won't be perceived
as sassy.
Show me how to talk to a cop.
Better yet, show me how
to punch a cop in the face
and get away with it.
[applause]
Show me how to riot
and make it look celebratory.
But more than anything,
I really want white guys
to show me how to wear shorts
in the wintertime.
Is it, like, a lotion?
I like talking about race
in my sets...
because I like to make a room
feel comfortable.
And I've found
that not everyone likes it,
which I get.
It makes some people
uncomfortable.
But I don't think that race
is such a touchy, taboo topic
that we can't talk about it
or discuss it
or laugh about it.
We can talk about it.
But sometimes I do shows,
and I can literally hear
assholes tighten up,
like, "Reep!"
"Make her stop!"
But I won't.
[applause]
I did a show,
and it was a day where I felt
particularly moved
to talk about race.
And I noticed there were
just pockets of people
that were a little tight.
So I wanted to address it
so we can get over
this hump together.
And I was like,
"How are y'all doing?
I know we're going through
a lot of race stuff right now."
And one woman in the audience
goes, "Yeah, a lot."
And I was like, "Are you okay?"
"Are you uncomfortable
right now?
And she goes, "Yeah, you know,
it's just a lot for me."
"I don't want to make
a big deal out of it.
I'm just gonna go."
And then she stood up,
knocked over a beer bottle,
put deuces in the air,
and backed out like Nixon.
And it was so strange.
I was like, why did she feel
like she had
to leave completely?
I wasn't gonna make fun of her
or yell at her.
I did make fun of her
on her way out.
But initially, I just wanted
to talk to her.
Like, "Okay,
you feel uncomfortable."
Let's talk about that;
Let's figure that out."
But I think she realized
if I asked her more questions,
she'd, like, reveal herself.
Like, "You know,
I just realized, I'm racist."
I got to go."
But I do think people are more
in the mood to talk
about this stuff now.
Like, I don't know
about you guys,
but I've had at least
one conversation
about race, gender,
or human rights in general
every single day
since Trump has been elected.
Anyone else?
[applause]
It's wild.
And I'm not the one starting
all these conversations.
It's people around me.
I feel like a walking
Tumblr site.
And I also know I look
like a walking Tumblr site.
I'm sure of you are like,
"If you didn't look
like a baby Lauryn Hill,
"maybe people wouldn't bring
these things up to you
all the time."
But, yeah, I think it's good.
Like, people are actually
asking questions
and actually trying
to investigate issues
that maybe don't concern
the group that they're in.
And I think that's wonderful.
Like, since the election,
people have donated
so much money to ACLU
and Planned Parenthood,
and it's great.
[applause]
Because I think we all woke up
November 9th and we're like,
"We're on our own!
We've got to take care
of each other."
And it sucks to say,
but I don't know
if that would have happened
if Hillary Clinton was elected.
Not any fault of her own.
I just think it would have been
more complacency.
I think people would have just
felt like they were checking
another thing
off their progression list.
Like, "I voted
for the black one."
"I voted for the girl.
"And if we get a gay one
in office,
"I don't have to think
about people or the government
ever again!"
[applause]
So that is a silver lining,
at least.
But I'm worried about Trump
for multiple reasons.
One reason is,
I'm worried about his influence
on the children,
because they can hear
everything he's saying.
They can hear him
when he's saying things like,
"Grab them by the pussy,"
or literally anything else
he's saying.
And I don't want them to
absorb that and normalize that
and think that that's
how you talk to people
or how you treat people.
Like, kids are sponges.
I already saw video footage
of these white kids in Michigan,
like, in their cafeteria,
screaming, "Build a wall,
build a wall!"
And it's like, unless that
school only has three walls,
that's unacceptable.
Like, if they need
a fourth wall,
yes, please build a wall.
They're cold.
But kids are
very impressionable.
I learned lessons
from everything.
I used to learn lessons
from my dog.
I was maybe 5 years old,
and I remember petting my dog
in the wrong direction,
like, against the grain.
And she was growing,
but I thought she was purring.
I thought this was a positive
noise I was receiving.
So I was like, "Yeah,
I'll give you more of that."
And then she bit me.
And my next memory is my mom
putting me
on the bathroom counter,
cleaning the blood off my hands,
and she goes,
"Did she say no?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
And she goes,
"Growling means no,
and that means stop what you're
doing, and don't do it again."
And that's how I learned
about consent.
[applause]
I also heard that Trump has
maybe never had a dog as a pet,
so that would explain a lot.
Have you guys heard
of this fingernail polish
that can detect date rape drugs?
Yeah, these college kids
in North Carolina invented it.
And the idea is that
you paint your nails at home
in preparation for what could be
the worst night of your life.
Just in case.
And then, if you go to a bar
and you feel like someone may
have tampered with your drink,
you put your finger
in the drink,
and then if the nail color
changes to a different color,
then you know someone in that
bar thinks you're pretty.
It's like,
what a self-esteem booster.
I like doing that joke,
because you feel like
it's going one direction,
and then I do a little thing
that just fucks everything up.
It's like I roofied you.
[applause]
I feel like people
don't expect me
to do material
like this sometimes,
because some people just know me
from "SNL"
and see the "SNL" credit,
and then...
Thanks.
[laughs]
And some people
come to my shows
expecting me to do "SNL"
or be "SNL."
I don't really know.
But the demographic
has definitely changed
since I've been on the show.
I did a show once
at this stand-up club,
and this woman came up to me
after the show,
and she goes,
"That was really great,
but I was hoping you would
do more impressions."
"Oh, well, I just chose
to do stand-up
in this... stand-up club."
"I know."
I was just hoping you would do,
"like, Beyonce or Nicki Minaj.
Like, I was just hoping
you'd do more impressions."
"Well, maybe next time."
That's what I said,
but what I wish I said was,
[squeaky voice] "Aw, I was
hoping for more impressions."
"See, that's my impression
of you.
"'Aw, I was hoping
for more impressions.'
"That's what you sound like.
"Tell your friend,
that's what you sound like.
"'I was hoping
for more impressions.'
"Wait, where are you going?
"I'm not done yet.
'I was hoping you would
do more impressions!'"
And then she never has to come
to my show again.
I've been a little angry lately.
And I like it.
I like the anger.
I like living in it.
But I feel like
I can't fully explore it,
because I feel like my face
and my voice
betray me every day,
because I'm really smiley
when I talk to people.
And sometimes my voice sounds
like an 8-year-old
who's excited
for a big adventure.
So sometimes people don't
take me seriously when I talk,
and they say things,
"You're so cute.
You're so cute."
And they're not wrong.
I'm cute.
I have a cute exterior,
full of rage.
And I'm tired of saying I'm fine
when I'm not.
I'm not fine; I'm livid.
But I don't have time
in a short hallway conversation
with an acquaintance
to fully express
all the complex emotions
that are going on
inside of me.
So when someone asks
how I'm doing,
I say, "Fine," but it's a lie.
When someone asks me
how I'm doing,
what I really want to say is,
"Thanks for asking."
"I guess I'm 'good,"
"in the sense that
I'm thankful to have a job"
"that pays for my food
and my shelter."
"But I guess I'm not great,"
"because this society keeps
trying to put limitations"
"on female sexual health
and sexuality."
"Also, people keep trying
to argue that Beyonce"
"and Nicki Minaj
are not feminist,"
"even though they're just
being bad bitches,"
"and I can't understand
what's more feminist than that."
[applause]
"Also, Matt Damon made
$50 million on 'The Martian, '"
"and we still have bridges
to reinforce in this country."
[applause]
"Also, I never know
when my period is coming, ever.
"I've had it for a while.
"I should have
a better handle on it.
But every month,
it's a surprise."
That's what I want to say
when someone asks me
how I'm doing,
but I just lie and say, "Fine."
I wish there was a concise way
to say,
"I'm thankful to be alive,
but I'm not good."
I imagine it would be
like a shrug and a grunt,
like, "Weh."
And you got to, like,
really scrunch up your face
so the person you're talking to
knows that you're fighting
yourself not to lie.
And then they have all the
information they need to know.
"How are you doing, Sasheer?"
"Weh."
"Okay, well, good luck
with that."
But I feel like I can't help
this anger.
I feel like it's been
bubbling up inside of me,
and I've just been,
like, awakened.
Like, my eyes are finally open.
It reminds me of that time
in my childhood
when I started to realize
that there were always people
inside those costumes
at Disney World.
And I was like, "It was
like this the whole time?"
I was never hugging
Mickey Mouse.
I was always hugging a tiny
Hispanic woman named Rosa.
And I was part of the problem.
I worked at Disney World
for seven months,
as an adult,
and I was a character performer.
Can you guys guess
which character I was?
[indistinct responses]
Right off the bat.
She said it so cocky too.
I want to do an impression
of what she just did.
That was so funny.
So she's just sitting here,
just enjoying the show,
and then she goes,
"Ha, Princess Tiana.
"I know it.
"I know it.
That's you."
I love it.
No, no.
No.
That is a great guess, though.
Princess Tiana
is the Frog Princess,
the one black princess
that Disney has.
I... what's that?
And from New Orleans, exactly.
And that would have
been perfect, but I was not her.
Because I worked there
before that movie came out,
so I was Pluto.
They were like, "Hide her face."
We haven't drawn it yet."
But I liked playing Pluto.
Kids love Pluto so much.
Every day,
kids would come up to me
and say things like, "You remind
me of my dog at home."
And in my mind, I would think,
"How?"
What kind of dog
do you have at home?
I'm standing on two legs.
With the head,
I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
The nose-to-body proportion
makes no sense.
The coloring is weird.
What dog in real life
can you point at
and say, "That's Pluto"?
You can't.
Pluto's a weird freak of nature.
Also, in this "Disney World,".
Goofy is also a dog,
but can walk and talk,
wear clothes,
and work a real job.
And that's what's fucked up
about society, man.
[applause]
We're just so complacent
with our magic
that we don't realize
that one of these characters
isn't progressing
like the rest of them.
Full of rage.
I can't watch TV or movies
anymore and just enjoy them,
because I keep thinking
about the plot and the theme
and how it compares to society
and my life.
I was watching "Big Hero 6"
recently.
Has anyone seen it?
It's fun.
It's Disney; It's animated.
And the story is,
there's this kid genius
who builds robots,
and he meets
all these other geniuses,
and they create a team,
and they use their technological
skills as their super powers.
And I'm watching it,
and I'm starting to notice
all these different stereotypes
within the team of super heroes.
There's, like,
the nerdy Asian kid,
and there's a blonde girl
who's ditzy,
and there's a white guy
who's, like, a surfer dude,
and there's one black guy
who is huge,
like, muscles on muscles
and dreads, like Marshawn Lynch.
But he's the scaredy cat,
and it's supposed
to be really funny.
And I'm watching it
with one of my girlfriends
who is a black woman,
and I don't know what it is
about being with
one other black woman
or a group of black women,
but if no one else is around,
my inner Angela Davis
comes out,
and I'm like, "We need to talk
about the injustice, sistah!"
[humming soulfully]
And we were high,
so it was, like, heightened.
And we're watching the movie,
and I'm just trying
to enjoy the plot,
but the subtle racism
keeps hitting me in the face.
And I'm like, this is so cute.
This is such a great story.
But I could not help
but notice
that the one black man
in the whole movie
screams like a little girl
every time he's scared.
Why does he scream like that?
Is it because America
is trying to emasculate our men?
But the songs are so catchy.
I love the soundtrack.
But I could not help but notice
that the one black man
in the whole movie
is the only super hero
who is scared to use his powers.
Why is he so scared?
Is it because they ripped him
from Mother Africa?
When you take a king
from a kingdom,
he does not know
how powerful he is!
[applause]
But I love the animation.
The colors are great.
But I could not help but notice.
That the one black man
in the whole movie
is the only super hero
who cannot fly.
Why won't they
let my brother fly?
Is it because the man's
trying to hold him down
so he can't spread his wings?
One day, we'll all
spread our wings,
join hands,
and fly to the mountaintop,
singing, "We can build robots,
we can build robots!"
Thank God Almighty,
we can build robots!"
[cheers and applause]
So you should see "Big Hero 6"
if you haven't yet.
It's enthralling.
I am glad that there are more
diverse characters
in sci-fi now.
It's so great,
because it's so important
that we see ourselves
in the future.
We just got to know
that we made it.
[applause]
I remember watching
"The Jetsons" and being like,
"What happened to us?
"What genocide happened?
We're not anywhere?"
I watched
"Star Wars: Force Awakens"
when it came out,
and it was so wonderful
to see a female character
and a black character
just go on an adventure,
and there was no mention
of their gender or their race.
Like, there were no winks
to camera like,
"She's strong for a girl,"
or, like, "Wow, that black man"
can actually afford
a drink in this bar."
Nothing like that.
It was great, and I loved it.
It was a little tainted,
because when the trailer
came out for that movie
and the stormtrooper
took his helmet off
and it was a black man,
people lost their mind.
A bunch of racists online
being like,
"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
"Not my stormtroopers, no!
All my stormtroopers are white!"
It's like, what?
We've never seen them
take their helmets off before.
They could all be black,
for all we know.
It is the dark side.
But it sucks.
Like, I hate when people
just want to keep the division,
even in fictional things.
It's wild.
There are some black actors who
are in a lot of sci-fi things.
Zoe Saldana is an actress
who's in a lot of stuff.
But they keep painting her
a different color.
Poor girl.
It's like the studio is like,
"Don't worry, she's not black.
"She's green.
Like money."
I remember there was a rumor
that Idris Alba
could potentially be
the new James Bond.
[cheering]
Which would be great.
He's so suave and smooth,
and that should be the only
requirement for that job.
And some people got upset.
One very vocal person
was Rush Limbaugh,
and he said that a black actor
playing James Bond
is the equivalent
of George Clooney
playing Barack Obama
or Kelsey Grammer
playing Nelson Mandela.
And the problem...
with that analogy
is that Barack Obama
and Nelson Mandela
continue to influence
our culture and change society,
and James Bond...
is a fictional character!
It doesn't matter.
He could be a goddamn horse.
It does not matter.
I'm gonna make my own
sci-fi escapism film
for people of color.
[applause]
And it will be so simple.
It'll just be where
we have a black president
who isn't more disrespected
than any other president
in our country,
where everyone has
the equal opportunity to jobs
and health care and education,
and where law enforcement
in this country
actually protects everybody
in the country.
And that's it.
[cheers and applause]
And I'll throw a dragon in there
or something
so people actually go see it.
I was talking to a friend
about race,
like I do,
and he said
that he didn't understand
why people talk
about other people
in terms of their
cultural background,
because we live in America,
and America is a melting pot,
so the only culture
we should be concerned with
is American culture.
No.
I don't want to think about
America like a melting pot.
Very few things
are good melted.
Like, I've never had a plate
of steak, potatoes, and spinach
and been like, "You know,
I like all these things",
"but I really wish someone would
melt it all together for me
and serve it to me
in a shit-colored soup."
No, if you melt
everything together,
you're gonna lose
all the original flavors
that people bring
from other countries.
That's what makes
this country great.
You can't just meld
everything together like that.
I think we should
think of America
less like a melting pot
and more like a pizza.
[cheering]
'Cause all the ingredients
are distinctly their own thing,
working together
to make a great meal,
and it's all held together
with grease.
This is a greasy,
grimy-ass country,
and we should admit that more.
I also know that pizza is not
originally American food.
It's Italian.
But that's also
the American way,
taking a bit
of someone else's culture,
claiming it as our own,
and being super defensive
about it
if anyone challenges us.
[applause]
If someone ever asks us
to defend it, it's like,
"Nah, fuck you,
we always had pizza.
God bless pizza."
But I get why people wouldn't
want to talk about this stuff
and don't want to, like,
get into deep issues
like race or gender,
because if you make a mistake
and you say something wrong,
you could ruin your whole life.
People get fired over tweets.
It's crazy.
We're in a very trigger-happy
time right now,
where people are on the search
for, like, the next bigot
or the next racist,
and let's take their jobs
and make them lose their family,
just ruin their life.
And I don't know if that's good.
Do you guys remember
when Hulk Hogan got in trouble?
He got in trouble
because he said the N-word,
and it was recorded,
and someone put it online,
and then people blogged
about it,
and the WWE fired him,
removed him
from the Hall of Fame,
and scrubbed him
from the website.
Scrubbed, as if
he never existed.
He basically built that company,
and they were like, "Nope, we
do not associate with racists."
Which is like... come on.
The WWE?
Most wrestlers of color
have been named
things like Saba Simba...
or, like, the Mexicools.
And now you want
to put your foot down?
All right, very convenient.
And it sucks that he said that,
it really does.
But how great would it have been
if he actually stayed
with the WWE,
and then there's
a whole storyline
on how he's learning
how to be culturally aware?
He's, like, taking classes.
And he walks
into the ring like,
"Today I learned
that the N-word hurts, brother."
But when he says, "Brother,"
he's thinking the N-word.
Yeah.
And then we all get
to learn together.
Instead, what people
are learning is,
if you do anything wrong,
your life gets ruined.
And I don't think
that's a good lesson to learn.
I'd like to think that people
can redeem themselves
and learn a lesson.
I make mistakes.
I used to think that it was cool
to wear a solid
colored turtleneck,
solid colored socks
that matched,
and a matching scrunchy.
That's an outfit I wore a lot,
until one day in fifth grade,
this girl came up to me
and goes,
"Uh, no one wears that."
And I was like, "Noted,"
never did it again.
That's a good way
to learn a lesson.
She could have brought me
in front of the class
and been like,
"Look how stupid she looks."
And then the teacher's like,
"Yeah, you do look stupid,"
and then kicks me
out of the class.
And then I'm walking around
with bad taste
and no education.
You could just keep me
in the class.
But I do think it's good
to talk about this stuff,
because how else
are you gonna know
if you're offending anybody
if you don't speak up
and actually ask questions?
I remember talking
to a fellow student
who lived in my dorm
in college.
She was from Korea.
She was a foreign
exchange student.
I don't remember which Korea,
but that's not important
to the story.
But she kept asking me
different questions
and asking me if I knew
certain people.
She'd be like,
"Do you know John?"
And I'd be like, "No."
And she's like,
"Do you know Shayna?"
And I'd be like, "No."
And I don't know
what tipped me off,
but I started to wonder
if she was only asking me
if I knew black people.
So I asked her, I was like,
"Are you only asking me
if I know black people?"
And she goes, "Yes."
And I was like, "Do you think
I know all the black people"
at this school
because I'm black?"
And she goes, "Yes."
And I was like,
"You can't do that.
"That's a stereotype.
"That'd be like if I assumed
you knew all the Korean people
at this school."
And she goes, "I do."
We all know each other."
And I was like, "Never mind."
It's a good thing
we kept talking.
If that conversation had ended
two sentences before that point,
I would have left being like,
"That racist piece of shit."
And she would have left
being like,
"What's wrong with this
antisocial black girl?
She's not hanging out
with her friends."
But I hate it when people
are so progressive
that they, like, tip the line
into being offensive,
like, when they're just so PC
that they ignore things.
Like, I hate when people say,
"I don't see color."
Woof.
First of all, it's a lie.
You can see color.
Even if you're colorblind,
you can see shades.
And when someone says that,
what I'm hearing is,
"I choose not to see injustice,"
or, "I'd rather not be bothered"
"with the information that some
people are treated differently
because of the way they look."
And that's not helpful
to anybody.
It'd actually be helpful
if you saw color
and recognized how differently
people are being treated.
[applause]
There were these protests
in South Africa
a few months ago
with these university students,
and some of the students
were white,
and some of the students
were black.
And the students who got beat up
and arrested
by the cops the most
were, of course,
the black students.
So what the white students
did was,
they put themselves
on the perimeter of the protest
and used themselves
as a human shield,
like a Caucasian force field,
'cause they knew the cops
wouldn't hurt them,
and they wouldn't break through
to hurt anybody else.
And it worked.
That's the end of the story.
It just worked.
They saw color,
created a reverse Ho-Ho,
and saved their friends.
[applause]
It's beautiful.
And that's what I want
people to learn.
You can use your privilege
to help other people.
I use my boyfriend's privilege
all the time.
He's white
and very sorry about it.
And if I ever want a cab
late at night,
I just send him
out into the street.
I'm like,
"Babe, put your arm up,"
and then I go crouch
behind a bush.
And then a cab pulls up,
he opens the door.
I fly in, I say,
"Black rides matter."
We go home.
It's like, I don't want him
to feel bad about his privilege.
I want him to get us a cab.
But he's great.
He's really awesome
and is really open to talking
about race and things
that I want to talk about
and is just, like, good
about learning stuff.
I have been with people
who haven't been like that.
I was hanging out
with a guy who was white,
and probably still is,
and we were having
a conversation,
and he goes,
"I want to ask you a question,
"but it might be
a little awkward.
Can I touch your hair?"
And we had been hooking up
for a few months at that point,
and I didn't realize
he had not touched my hair.
Like, I didn't know
there was a force field
of racial confusion
circling around my head.
And I was like,
"Yeah, man, it's fine.
"We're hooking up.
You can touch anything on me."
And he goes,
"All right, cool, cool, cool.
Well, what about your asshole?"
And that's not where I thought
the conversation was going.
That was a bait-and-switch.
I thought this was gonna be
a nice moment
of cultural enlightenment,
where I talk about my hair
and what it's like
to be black in America.
He just wanted
to get in my asshole.
I didn't say no, but still.
I feel like, when I was younger,
I would see a lot of scenes
in TV shows and in movies
where the female protagonist
would find a stray hair
that didn't belong to her,
and that's how she knew
she was being cheated on.
But I feel like I wouldn't
be able to use that same test,
because I feel
like my whole person
and my whole apartment
is just constantly covered
in white girl hair.
And I don't want to make
any stereotypes
like, "White girls always
be losing their hair."
But also, why aren't we talking
about this more?
It's everywhere.
On my shoes, in my coats,
in my hair.
Like, I have white girlfriends,
but we're not wrestling
around with each other
to make this happen.
I found a long strand
of blonde hair
on my boyfriend's coat,
and I was like,
"Who could this belong to?"
And I was like,
"Oh, he walked outside today.
Literally anybody."
I've been thinking
about body hair lately,
because I've been shaving
my parts
since I was a teenager,
but it wasn't till recently
when I was like, "Why?"
Like, I'm not going
into surgery every month.
What is this for?
And I did some research
on when women in America
started shaving their body hair,
and it started
in the early 1900s
because razor companies
weren't making enough money
selling razors to men
for their facial hair,
so they started selling
to women.
And they put out
all these advertisements
to convince women to shave,
because it wasn't
a natural inclination
for us to just shave
all the time.
And there would be print ads
that would just be like,
"You'll be a spinster.
"You'll die alone.
You'll be stinky,
you'll be ugly."
Like, all these horrible things
to make women feel terrible
for being themselves.
I saw, like, a literal print ad
where it was, like,
an old woman
with hair coming out
of her pits
sitting by herself
at a restaurant,
and then two clean-shaven women
by the bar, like,
"What's wrong with her?"
"Oh, you haven't heard?
"She doesn't know how to shave.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
And it worked; It worked.
They brainwashed us
into thinking we were disgusting
for doing a natural thing.
And I get it, because
advertising is very powerful.
I just heard
that Sprite in America
is specifically advertised
to black people,
which makes sense,
because all the billboards
are hip-hop legends,
and the music in the radio ads
are always hip-hop,
and every time I see
a lemon and lime,
I want to play basketball.
It's like, they got me.
And I did some more research
on hair,
because I was high,
and I was like,
"Got to get
to the bottom of this."
And I found out
that Native Americans
used to keep all their hair long
because it would help them
with battle and with hunting,
and they would be more aware
of their surroundings,
and if something was
gonna come up and attack them,
they would feel it quicker
than they would
if they didn't have hair at all.
So if that's the case,
women, of all people,
should have all of the hair.
[applause]
'Cause we're at risk
of being attacked
just for leaving the house.
For safety purposes,
I want to be
Chewbacca-level hairy,
scalp to toe.
If someone's gonna attack me
from 50 feet away
and their body creates wind,
I want a leg tickle
so I know it's time to go.
I was talking to a guy
in a bar recently,
and I was just
listening intently
to what he was saying,
and I guess my face
fell into a neutral pose,
because he called me on it,
and he goes,
"Oh, you must suffer
from resting bitch face."
Has anyone else gotten that?
It sucks.
I hate that that term
even exists.
Like, if a woman's
not smiling all the time
or looking happy all the time,
she looks like a bitch?
Which is crazy,
because I know what I look like
when I'm being bitchy.
I look like this.
That's my active bitch face.
So to say my resting face
is bitchy
is an outlandish claim.
Also, my face is resting
because it's tired.
It's so tired
from smiling all the time,
or being told
to smile all the time,
or waiting for my turn to speak
when I'm in a room
full of men,
or apologizing for things
that I'm not actually sorry for
but my speech
is conditioned in a way
to think that
I need to be apologetic
for even taking up space.
[cheers and applause]
And I wanted to explain all this
to the guy I was talking to,
but I didn't want to prove his
point by being a bitch about it.
So I just said, "Oh, that's
so funny that you say that."
"This whole time
we've been talking,
I noticed you had
resting rape face."
[applause]
Ended that conversation
very quickly.
I need to go back to therapy.
I stopped going
because me and my therapist
got in a fight.
Not my fault.
I was traveling
for a few months,
and I wanted to take a break,
because I like
in-person sessions,
and I didn't want
to do the phone.
And I'm explaining this to her,
and she goes,
"Oh, I'm not your boyfriend.
I don't take breaks."
Which is a sassy thing
for someone to say
if I'm paying them.
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know what to do,
"because I don't want
to come back,
so I guess I'm done forever?"
And then she started
yelling at me,
started listing all the reasons
why I need therapy
and why I need her.
And it was so strange,
because this attack
was happening,
but I felt like
the work we had done together
got me to an emotional state
where I was like,
this has nothing to do with me.
I will not let her put
her negative energy on me.
She's trying to put us
in a codependent relationship
that I did not sign up for.
And then I said that out loud,
and she lost it.
Lost her mind.
Kept screaming at me.
And I was waiting
for her to stop
so I could be like, "Where do
you want the last check?"
Because I'm never
coming back here again."
And she didn't stop,
so I just got up
and inched my way to the door
as she's shouting at me.
And the last thing
she said to me was,
"Fine, go leave.
You'll be
just like your father."
Which is great news,
because we also talked
about how I subconsciously
keep looking for men
who are just like my father.
Turns out, this whole time,
I'm just like my father.
I don't need to find a man
to do what I can do myself.
[applause]
That means I graduated therapy,
right?
I became my father.
I'm glad to be
in a relationship,
for multiple reasons,
but one is because
I was so bad at the chase.
I was so bad
at picking up guys.
I would do this thing
where I'd meet a guy in a bar
and basically have
an emotional one-night stand
where, instead of getting drunk
and opening up my legs
to a stranger,
I would get drunk and open up
my heart and my soul and my mind
and divulge way too much
information about myself.
And just stuff
they didn't need to know,
like, "When I was 9... my dad..."
My therapist said this,
but I don't do it."
Like, way too much stuff.
And the guys would
never leave immediately,
so I'd be like,
"They're into it."
And then, they would never call
to hang out a second time.
But I shouldn't be surprised,
because it's like my mom
always said.
Why would a man
want to buy a cow
when he already knows how
emotionally damaged that cow is?
All right,
thank you guys so much.
I really appreciate it.
You've been wonderful.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[exhales]
- Congrats, you did it.
- Oh, now you're excited for me?
- What do you mean?
- What about earlier
when you literally beat me up?
We're supposed to be
on the same team.
- That was just tough love.
I knew you'd prove me wrong,
and it seems to have worked.
- It felt like you
were betting against me.
- Well, some of us were.
- Sorry.
- But that's not important.
What's important is,
you did it.
- Yeah, I did it.
Despite the crippling fear
Never mind the epic doubt
I've conquered
all of those today
I've learned
what it's all about
How often have I dreamed
That I would one day see
"Pizza Mind" added
to my IMDB
I did it
- You really did it
You got on stage
You told the jokes,
you made them laugh
- Except for that one guy
in the front.
- He had a lot on his mind.
You did it.
- I really did it
You hit your marks
You didn't choke
You didn't vagina-sweat
- And I usually do so much.
- But not today.
- I did it
- You really did it
- I didn't fart
- Mm...
- Okay, well at least
I didn't shart.
- You did it
Nobody heckled, nobody booed
And your tooth were almost
totally devoid of food
- Almost?
- You did it.
- They said
I couldn't make it
- I've always believed in you.
- They all stood in my way
- Right this way.
- I know that's
a bunch of malarkey.
- Okay, fine, I'll admit it
A lot of people helped me
But I'm still working
in the confines
Of the patriarchy
[men groan]
Patriarchy
[tempo increases]
- I did it
- She didn't trip.
- I really did it
- She did the show.
- And I didn't have
a ghostwriter to help me
- Boo.
- I did it
- She did it.
- I really did it
- She did the show.
- And I'll never
have to do it again
Said I'll never
have to do it again
- Yeah, Sasheer, you're gonna
have to do that again.
You missed a cue.
Also, you're probably
gonna want to change your pants.
- You guys, it's just sweat.
[hip-hop music]
- Come on
- Let me give you a piece
Of my mind
Fight if you can,
I wanna get inside
And show you just who I am,
I'm standing
Destiny brought me
to do or die
Fly, Jack fighter,
in the wing box
Step higher
than the wingspan
Broader than any city
I land in
Every time
with the three-point landing
What's my name?
Can't say it?
Learn that shit
Embrace your loss,
burn that bridge
Ahead of your time,
[indistinct] snatch it
Cracked it
for the long haul
With the compost
I'm at the council
with no accomplishments
Accomplish the mission
with the confidence
In the long... oh, man,
oh, man, I got this
Watch it
I'm on that,
I'm on that
And I won't let it go
I can do it,
I'm on it
And I'ma let 'em know,
let 'em know
Let 'em know,
let 'em know, let 'em know
I'm on it,
and I won't let it go
Won't do it,
I want it
- You got this, girl.
This is your special...
and you're special.
Ugh, yuck.
Well, it'll be great.
- You sure about that?
- What did you say to me?
- I asked if you're sure
about your performance.
You don't seem
that confident.
- Well, what do you know?
- I know a lot.
I'm you.
I just don't want you to
get so nervous that you mess up,
like that one time in show choir
when you auditioned for a solo
and they couldn't
hear your voice
because you had
one of those inside farts.
You know, like one
of those farts that's like...
- Yeah, I know.
Why are you
bringing this up now?
You don't have to be so rude.
- I'm not being rude.
- Yes, you are.
You don't have faith in me.
- You don't have faith in you.
- Wow.
You know what?
You're awful,
and I don't need you.
Hey, I'm sorry.
- You don't love me anymore.
- Of course I still love you.
- Then kiss me.
- No.
Okay, yeah, fine.
Oh... oh...
Oh...
Whoa, okay.
Wow.
Whoa-ho.
[giggling]
Oh, oh...
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop, I need to focus.
- You suck.
- [scoffs]
[sighs]
Ow!
- [snickering]
- Did you just hit me?
- Yeah, I did.
- Ow, ow, ow!
[coughing]
- I am gonna kill you!
- Why are you doing this?
- [cackling]
- Stop it!
Ugh!
[glass shatters]
[coughing]
[panting]
Oh, no.
Why did you make me do that?
I guess I'm on my own.
- Psst.
- There you are.
You're all right.
- Yeah, you are too.
You're ready.
- Yeah, I know.
That's what I was saying
the whole time.
But it feels good
to hear you say it.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- Ow.
[suspenseful music]
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
Hello, hello.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys for coming.
[cheering]
Thank you for coming.
I really appreciate it.
This is a very special night
for me.
And I am so glad to be
doing this in New Orleans.
I love it here.
[cheering]
I am such a fan of this place.
I've had so many
messy memories here.
I fell in love here.
[crowd whooping]
It started like
any classic love story.
We were on mushrooms.
And I don't think I'll ever
do mushrooms here again.
New Orleans is spooky
when you're sober.
Like, it's scary enough.
I've real estate signs
that, in all caps, say,
"Haunted."
Like, you're very upfront
about it.
It's like, "Yeah, this is
a one-bedroom apartment",
but you won't be alone."
So we were on mushrooms,
and we were trying
to make out in my hotel room.
Failed miserably.
I don't know if anyone else
has tried to make out
on psychedelics.
I had a hard time figuring out
whose face belonged to who.
So we stopped.
And in the morning,
we discussed our experiences,
and I said that I felt
like the door was wide open
in our room
and there was a third presence,
like a third person there.
And he said
the exact same thing,
which means a pervert died
in that hotel,
and his unfinished business
was to watch us hook up.
And that terrifying realization
actually brought us
closer together,
and that was essentially
the beginning
of our relationship.
So I just want
to find that ghost
and be like, "You can rest now."
My boyfriend and I just had
our two-year anniversary.
[cheering]
Thank you.
I think we'll give it
another two years
before we call it quits.
It's hard.
Relationships are hard.
And I know they take
a lot of work
to be successful and healthy.
But I feel like I'm doing
most of the work,
because I'm fixing him.
And I don't want to be
one of these girlfriends
that's like,
"I need to change my man.
I need to fix him."
Because I love him
the way he is, but...
everything he does is wrong.
And I need to change him.
I like for people
to take their shoes off
when they enter my home.
And he does that
for the most part,
but sometimes he forgets.
And I have wood floors
and a big rug
in the living room.
And we were about
to leave the house,
and he goes,
"Babe, I have my shoes on,
but don't worry;
I'm standing on the rug."
And I was like,
what logic are we working with?
When he saw the wood floors,
did he see lava?
And I explained to him, like,
"No, babe.
"I don't want people to bring
their shoes into my home
"because I don't want them
to track dirt in.
That gives me more
to clean up."
And he looked at me like I was
explaining new math.
Just never occurred to him.
And I also can't tell
if I'm fixing him for me
or for his next girlfriend,
because if we break up
and he starts dating
somebody else,
he's gonna take his shoes off
at the door.
And she's gonna be like,
"He's so clean.
He's so conscientious."
No, bitch, that was me.
I did that.
If you feel like you're
currently dating Mr. Perfect
and he does everything right,
you should thank all the exes
who came before you
for all the hard work
they put in.
Anything that you see
a man do that's considerate,
he's doing it because,
at one point in time,
he made a mistake,
and then some woman
yelled at him.
And if you're not laughing,
it's because you're currently
being yelled at.
And you're welcome.
We already did
the meet-the-parents thing,
which I was nervous about,
because I never introduced
a significant other
to my parents before.
And I think they were just happy
that I brought somebody home,
because I didn't start
dating anybody till I was 23,
and I didn't bring
my boyfriend home
till years after that.
So my mom's request
for a person
got broader and broader
as the years went by.
At first, she was like,
"I want you to bring home
a God-fearing man."
And then years went by,
and I didn't bring
anyone home.
And she goes, "I want you
to bring home a man."
And then years went by,
and she goes,
"I want you to bring home...
a woman?
"It's cool.
"Totally fine.
"I just don't know
what you're doing.
Can't really read it."
And then years went by,
and she goes,
"You know what, you do you.
"I'll just adopt some grandkids.
I don't care anymore."
But it's good.
My relationship with my mom
is getting stronger,
which is really cool.
I figured that, as I got older,
my relationship with her
would be more adult-to-adult.
But what's happening is,
I'm becoming an adult,
and she's becoming a teenager.
Is that happening
to anybody else?
[applause]
It's so strange.
She keeps doing
and saying things
that she thinks
are really cool,
but they just weird me out.
We were talking
about weed recently,
because my brother's going
to art school in Colorado.
So...
He's minoring in weed.
And she goes, "I don't know"
"why he had to go all the way
to Colorado for weed.
I can get weed whenever I want."
And I was like, "You can get
weed whenever you want?"
Do you have a dealer?"
And she goes,
"No, it's in my room."
Which is not "getting" weed.
That's having weed.
And I was like, "Okay."
And she was so proud of it.
She's like, "Yeah, I can smoke
anytime I want."
And I was like, "Cool,"
and then changed the subject
very quickly.
I think that may have been
an invitation
for us to smoke together,
but I didn't want to take it,
because I smoke and drink
to escape my life stressors.
And if I get high with
one of my main life stressors,
I don't think I'm gonna
have a good time.
And when I went to visit her,
I had a rental car,
and I let my mom drive it.
And the steering wheel
was thinner
than the steering wheel in her
car that she drives every day,
so she made note of it
and was like,
"This steering wheel
is too thin.
I like a big,
thick steering wheel."
And I was like, "Okay."
And she goes,
"Yeah, you know why?
'Cause it reminds me
of gripping a big dick."
And I was like, "No!"
And then she kept going...
and was like,
"Yeah, bet you didn't think
I had a preference."
And I was like,
"Why would
I ever think about that?
No, it hasn't crossed my mind."
But looking back at how many
grips and covers and cushions
my mom used to put
on her steering wheel
when I was younger...
safe to say that Mommy
likes it big.
Which is good for me to know,
because it shows me
that we have more in common
that I thought.
I like getting to know my mom
as an adult,
because there were so many holes
of knowledge when I was younger.
There were just so many things
I didn't know.
Like, I knew certain things,
but didn't know the backstory
of those things.
I knew that she doesn't
like white people.
And I could take some guesses
as to why.
But it was never explained.
One day, we were in her car,
and she stopped
to let this old white couple
pass in front of us,
and she lets out this deep sigh
like, "Ugh..."
White people."
And I was like,
"Uh... what's wrong?
They're not even talking to us
right now."
And she goes, "Memories."
And that's where
the conversation ended.
And she would do that a lot.
She'd just chalk things up
to memories,
and I would never follow up
and ask
what those memories were.
And I was so young and just,
like, left to my own devices.
I would, like, make up stories
as to what I thought
she was saying.
Like, I imagined if I asked her,
like, "Mom, what do you mean
when you say memories,"
she'd say something like,
"Well, Sasheer,
when I was 11 years old,
"I went to the public library
in Little Rock, Arkansas.
"And I was buy myself,
"and this old white man
came up to me
"and put his hand
on my shoulder.
"And something
about his hand on my shoulder
"and me holding the book
"sucked us into the world
of the book.
"And we landed
in this magical forest
"where the trees
could talk to us
"and the dirt
tasted like licorice.
"Now, we didn't know
where we were,
"so we split up to find help,
"and the old white man
went one way,
"and I went another way,
"and I found this cave.
"And inside the cave
was this big, beautiful dragon
"with a purple tail
and glittery wings.
"And she spoke to me and said
that she would take care of me
"if I just stayed there
with her.
"I lived with that dragon for
the next three years of my life.
"And on one
of our morning walks,
"Crackle and I...
"that's her name,
Crackle the Dragon...
"we saw the old white man.
"And I don't know
what kind of adventures
"he went through
on this three-year journey
"in this magical land,
"but he looked
totally different.
"He was shirtless,
and he was ripped,
"and he was carrying
a bow and arrow.
"And he saw me with Crackle,
"and he thought
I was in danger.
"And he shot Crackle
through the heart.
"And I cried and said,
"'You don't know
what you're doing!'
"But shooting the dragon
through the heart
"is what we needed
to get back to reality.
"So we landed
back in the library.
"And the old white man
returned to his job
"as the Little Rock
public librarian,
"and I started classes
at a segregated high school.
And that's why
I don't like white people."
[applause]
I eventually asked my mom
about it,
and I was way off.
Way off.
My parents named me Sasheer,
which is hard
for some people to pronounce,
which I get.
There's two "S" s in there.
So...
One's a "sss," one's a "shh."
So it's like, "What do we do?"
And the people
who get my name wrong the most
are white people.
And I don't want
to make it a race thing.
But...
Numbers are in.
Studies have shown
that the demographic that
consistently gets my name wrong
are Caucasian.
I did this show once,
and the host was white,
and probably still is.
And...
She could not get my name
for the life of her.
Kept saying things
like Shasheer or Saheer
and moving letters around
in my name
and attacking it
like a Sudoku puzzle.
And I was like,
"It's cool, really.
You can call me Sheer
for short if you can't get it."
And she looks at me
and she goes,
"Can I just call you Jane?"
And I was like,
"If you want to give me
a slave name."
[applause]
You can't do that.
Just change someone's name
for the convenience.
Is this "Roots"?
Are you trying to Toby me
right now?
And every time that happens,
I want to get so sassy
and be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry my name's
too ethnic for you.
"Sorry you can't fit
all that heritage
in your little lips."
[cheers and applause]
But I don't really have a right
to be angry in that regard,
because my name's
not actually from any island
or African culture.
It's from "Star Trek."
My parents are Trekkies.
Technically Trekkers.
That's what the fans were called
when the show first came out.
And they were watching
an episode together...
Season 2, Episode 50...
And Captain Kirk was flirting
with this alien princess,
as he does.
And he gave her a rose,
and she goes,
"Oh, we have something
like this on my planet,
except it's made out of crystal
and it's called Sasheer."
And my parents were like, "Yes!"
That'll be our daughter."
And they gave each other
a Vulcan high five
and called it a night.
And my parents were
really into Trekkie culture.
My mom found the original script
where my name comes from
and realized that my parents
accidentally misspelled my name.
So she sent me the script
and goes,
"Do you want to change
the spelling of your name?
Just for accuracy purposes."
And I was like, "No."
I was 20 years old
when she sent that to me.
That is way too late.
And I was like, "Also, are you
trying to Toby me right now?"
But I didn't like it.
I didn't like that my name
was from "Star Trek,"
because I didn't want people to
know that my parents were nerds.
So I'd, like, make up
all these different definitions
for my name,
like, "It's a crystal
from... far away."
So far away; Don't look it up."
But I really wanted a name
that connected me
to my culture,
to my background,
like the name
of an African tribe
or a country or a warrior
or something.
But then I got older,
and I started to realize,
I have no reason
to feel that way,
because my name actually does
represent my culture,
and it shows me that I'm part
of an even smaller minority:
Black nerds.
[cheers and applause]
And our struggle is real!
My mom just recently told me
that she's getting into acting,
which is so cool,
because I'm an actress,
and we get a new thing
to talk about.
And it's fun to see her
try a new thing
and be really excited about it.
It makes me very happy.
But I felt bad, because when
she first told me about it,
a little part of my brain
was like,
"That bitch better not
take my parts."
And I don't want
to feel that way,
but there's only so many roles
for black women these days.
And I'm sure some of you
are like,
"You guys are
in different age groups.
You're not gonna compete
for the same roles."
But casting directors can't tell
how old black women are.
They can't.
And there's evidence of this,
because Gabrielle Union
has played a teenager
for three decades.
People also have a hard time
telling black actresses apart.
I was talking to somebody
who works at "SNL"
who's seen my face for years,
and he asked me,
"Didn't you work
at 'The Daily Show'
before you worked here?"
[audience groans]
He was talking
about Jessica Williams.
[sparse cheers]
Exactly, yeah.
[applause]
Okay, she's not here.
No, she's great.
Yeah, she was
the "Daily Show" correspondent.
She is my friend... and not me.
She's not me.
But I want to help this guy out.
I was like, "Oh, well,
I was in an Apple commercial."
"Maybe an Apple commercial aired
"during an episode
of 'The Daily Show, '
and you got confused."
Which would have made him an
idiot if that's what he thought,
but I was still reaching.
And he just looks at me
and goes,
"No, I don't think that's it,"
and walks away,
not knowing his mistake.
And I got so mad at myself.
I was like, why am I doing this?
Why am I hemming and hawing,
trying to make the situation
less awkward
for the person
who made it awkward?
It's not my fault
that he can't tell the
difference between black women.
That's on him.
So I'm done.
I'm not doing that anymore.
[cheers and applause]
I'm done taking responsibility
for someone's awkward situation
that they're gonna put upon me.
I did this show, and a white man
who was in the audience
came up to me afterwards,
and he goes,
"You know, you did something
so funny on 'SNL.'
"You guys did this sketch
"about how there were no
black female cast members
"at the moment,
"and you kept running
in and out of the sketch
"playing different characters,
"like Michelle Obama and Oprah,
and it was so funny."
And I was like,
"Oh, that wasn't me.
"That was Kerry Washington,
from when she hosted.
"And you can probably tell
that wasn't me,
"because the sketch was about
how there were no
black female cast members."
And then he got
very uncomfortable and was like,
"Ugh, god, this is so awkward.
This never happens, ugh."
And I was like,
"I guess, whatever,"
and just walked away.
I was like, I'm gonna let you
live in this all by yourself.
This has nothing to do with me.
And then I'm sitting at the bar,
and he comes up to me
ten minutes later
and slips a $20 bill
in front of me,
and he goes,
"Your drinks are on me."
And I was like,
"Is this hush money?"
What are you doing?
You can't do that,
just throw money at a situation
to make it go away.
I did take that money.
Gonna add that
to my reparations bill.
But that guy actually
didn't have a bad idea.
I should start
charging people $20
every time they confuse me
for another black actress.
And then with that money,
combined with the money
that I actually make from work,
I might start making
as much as a white actor.
[applause]
Sounds like some people
didn't know.
It's true.
I was watching this show
called "Bye Felicia!"
Has anyone heard of it?
It got cancelled, because
I think it offended everybody.
The premise was,
two life coaches
who are black women
make over a basic
white woman's life.
Their words, not mine.
And throughout the episodes,
they would just try to bring out
the inner black woman
out of the white woman...
Or the inner Beyonce,
as they would say
on the show sometimes.
Which is a hard goal
for anyone to get to.
Beyonce?
Most of us would be lucky
to get Kelly or Michelle status.
You want to make
a basic white woman Beyonce.
And so most of the episodes
would be the white woman
showing her new coaches
their lives,
and then the coaches
making judgment calls like,
"Mm-mm, a black woman
would never play
Dungeons and Dragons."
Which was a quote that I pulled
from the episode
I was watching.
And my issue with the show
isn't that it exists
or the sweeping generalizations
of what black women
would or would not do.
My issue with the show is,
I don't know who
would ask a black woman
for life coaching advice
as if we're at the top
of society.
Like, we're doing well.
We have more black women
in positions of power.
We got Michelle Obama, Oprah,
Tyler Perry.
We're doing well.
But if I had to choose
what type of person
would make over my life
so I'm more successful
in the world,
I'd pick a straight white man
every time.
You guys really know
how to dominate the system
that you built for yourself.
Na'mean?
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
[laughs]
Show me your ways, white man.
Give me those secrets.
Show me how to get a cab.
Show me how to speak
in a way that's authoritative
that won't be perceived
as sassy.
Show me how to talk to a cop.
Better yet, show me how
to punch a cop in the face
and get away with it.
[applause]
Show me how to riot
and make it look celebratory.
But more than anything,
I really want white guys
to show me how to wear shorts
in the wintertime.
Is it, like, a lotion?
I like talking about race
in my sets...
because I like to make a room
feel comfortable.
And I've found
that not everyone likes it,
which I get.
It makes some people
uncomfortable.
But I don't think that race
is such a touchy, taboo topic
that we can't talk about it
or discuss it
or laugh about it.
We can talk about it.
But sometimes I do shows,
and I can literally hear
assholes tighten up,
like, "Reep!"
"Make her stop!"
But I won't.
[applause]
I did a show,
and it was a day where I felt
particularly moved
to talk about race.
And I noticed there were
just pockets of people
that were a little tight.
So I wanted to address it
so we can get over
this hump together.
And I was like,
"How are y'all doing?
I know we're going through
a lot of race stuff right now."
And one woman in the audience
goes, "Yeah, a lot."
And I was like, "Are you okay?"
"Are you uncomfortable
right now?
And she goes, "Yeah, you know,
it's just a lot for me."
"I don't want to make
a big deal out of it.
I'm just gonna go."
And then she stood up,
knocked over a beer bottle,
put deuces in the air,
and backed out like Nixon.
And it was so strange.
I was like, why did she feel
like she had
to leave completely?
I wasn't gonna make fun of her
or yell at her.
I did make fun of her
on her way out.
But initially, I just wanted
to talk to her.
Like, "Okay,
you feel uncomfortable."
Let's talk about that;
Let's figure that out."
But I think she realized
if I asked her more questions,
she'd, like, reveal herself.
Like, "You know,
I just realized, I'm racist."
I got to go."
But I do think people are more
in the mood to talk
about this stuff now.
Like, I don't know
about you guys,
but I've had at least
one conversation
about race, gender,
or human rights in general
every single day
since Trump has been elected.
Anyone else?
[applause]
It's wild.
And I'm not the one starting
all these conversations.
It's people around me.
I feel like a walking
Tumblr site.
And I also know I look
like a walking Tumblr site.
I'm sure of you are like,
"If you didn't look
like a baby Lauryn Hill,
"maybe people wouldn't bring
these things up to you
all the time."
But, yeah, I think it's good.
Like, people are actually
asking questions
and actually trying
to investigate issues
that maybe don't concern
the group that they're in.
And I think that's wonderful.
Like, since the election,
people have donated
so much money to ACLU
and Planned Parenthood,
and it's great.
[applause]
Because I think we all woke up
November 9th and we're like,
"We're on our own!
We've got to take care
of each other."
And it sucks to say,
but I don't know
if that would have happened
if Hillary Clinton was elected.
Not any fault of her own.
I just think it would have been
more complacency.
I think people would have just
felt like they were checking
another thing
off their progression list.
Like, "I voted
for the black one."
"I voted for the girl.
"And if we get a gay one
in office,
"I don't have to think
about people or the government
ever again!"
[applause]
So that is a silver lining,
at least.
But I'm worried about Trump
for multiple reasons.
One reason is,
I'm worried about his influence
on the children,
because they can hear
everything he's saying.
They can hear him
when he's saying things like,
"Grab them by the pussy,"
or literally anything else
he's saying.
And I don't want them to
absorb that and normalize that
and think that that's
how you talk to people
or how you treat people.
Like, kids are sponges.
I already saw video footage
of these white kids in Michigan,
like, in their cafeteria,
screaming, "Build a wall,
build a wall!"
And it's like, unless that
school only has three walls,
that's unacceptable.
Like, if they need
a fourth wall,
yes, please build a wall.
They're cold.
But kids are
very impressionable.
I learned lessons
from everything.
I used to learn lessons
from my dog.
I was maybe 5 years old,
and I remember petting my dog
in the wrong direction,
like, against the grain.
And she was growing,
but I thought she was purring.
I thought this was a positive
noise I was receiving.
So I was like, "Yeah,
I'll give you more of that."
And then she bit me.
And my next memory is my mom
putting me
on the bathroom counter,
cleaning the blood off my hands,
and she goes,
"Did she say no?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
And she goes,
"Growling means no,
and that means stop what you're
doing, and don't do it again."
And that's how I learned
about consent.
[applause]
I also heard that Trump has
maybe never had a dog as a pet,
so that would explain a lot.
Have you guys heard
of this fingernail polish
that can detect date rape drugs?
Yeah, these college kids
in North Carolina invented it.
And the idea is that
you paint your nails at home
in preparation for what could be
the worst night of your life.
Just in case.
And then, if you go to a bar
and you feel like someone may
have tampered with your drink,
you put your finger
in the drink,
and then if the nail color
changes to a different color,
then you know someone in that
bar thinks you're pretty.
It's like,
what a self-esteem booster.
I like doing that joke,
because you feel like
it's going one direction,
and then I do a little thing
that just fucks everything up.
It's like I roofied you.
[applause]
I feel like people
don't expect me
to do material
like this sometimes,
because some people just know me
from "SNL"
and see the "SNL" credit,
and then...
Thanks.
[laughs]
And some people
come to my shows
expecting me to do "SNL"
or be "SNL."
I don't really know.
But the demographic
has definitely changed
since I've been on the show.
I did a show once
at this stand-up club,
and this woman came up to me
after the show,
and she goes,
"That was really great,
but I was hoping you would
do more impressions."
"Oh, well, I just chose
to do stand-up
in this... stand-up club."
"I know."
I was just hoping you would do,
"like, Beyonce or Nicki Minaj.
Like, I was just hoping
you'd do more impressions."
"Well, maybe next time."
That's what I said,
but what I wish I said was,
[squeaky voice] "Aw, I was
hoping for more impressions."
"See, that's my impression
of you.
"'Aw, I was hoping
for more impressions.'
"That's what you sound like.
"Tell your friend,
that's what you sound like.
"'I was hoping
for more impressions.'
"Wait, where are you going?
"I'm not done yet.
'I was hoping you would
do more impressions!'"
And then she never has to come
to my show again.
I've been a little angry lately.
And I like it.
I like the anger.
I like living in it.
But I feel like
I can't fully explore it,
because I feel like my face
and my voice
betray me every day,
because I'm really smiley
when I talk to people.
And sometimes my voice sounds
like an 8-year-old
who's excited
for a big adventure.
So sometimes people don't
take me seriously when I talk,
and they say things,
"You're so cute.
You're so cute."
And they're not wrong.
I'm cute.
I have a cute exterior,
full of rage.
And I'm tired of saying I'm fine
when I'm not.
I'm not fine; I'm livid.
But I don't have time
in a short hallway conversation
with an acquaintance
to fully express
all the complex emotions
that are going on
inside of me.
So when someone asks
how I'm doing,
I say, "Fine," but it's a lie.
When someone asks me
how I'm doing,
what I really want to say is,
"Thanks for asking."
"I guess I'm 'good,"
"in the sense that
I'm thankful to have a job"
"that pays for my food
and my shelter."
"But I guess I'm not great,"
"because this society keeps
trying to put limitations"
"on female sexual health
and sexuality."
"Also, people keep trying
to argue that Beyonce"
"and Nicki Minaj
are not feminist,"
"even though they're just
being bad bitches,"
"and I can't understand
what's more feminist than that."
[applause]
"Also, Matt Damon made
$50 million on 'The Martian, '"
"and we still have bridges
to reinforce in this country."
[applause]
"Also, I never know
when my period is coming, ever.
"I've had it for a while.
"I should have
a better handle on it.
But every month,
it's a surprise."
That's what I want to say
when someone asks me
how I'm doing,
but I just lie and say, "Fine."
I wish there was a concise way
to say,
"I'm thankful to be alive,
but I'm not good."
I imagine it would be
like a shrug and a grunt,
like, "Weh."
And you got to, like,
really scrunch up your face
so the person you're talking to
knows that you're fighting
yourself not to lie.
And then they have all the
information they need to know.
"How are you doing, Sasheer?"
"Weh."
"Okay, well, good luck
with that."
But I feel like I can't help
this anger.
I feel like it's been
bubbling up inside of me,
and I've just been,
like, awakened.
Like, my eyes are finally open.
It reminds me of that time
in my childhood
when I started to realize
that there were always people
inside those costumes
at Disney World.
And I was like, "It was
like this the whole time?"
I was never hugging
Mickey Mouse.
I was always hugging a tiny
Hispanic woman named Rosa.
And I was part of the problem.
I worked at Disney World
for seven months,
as an adult,
and I was a character performer.
Can you guys guess
which character I was?
[indistinct responses]
Right off the bat.
She said it so cocky too.
I want to do an impression
of what she just did.
That was so funny.
So she's just sitting here,
just enjoying the show,
and then she goes,
"Ha, Princess Tiana.
"I know it.
"I know it.
That's you."
I love it.
No, no.
No.
That is a great guess, though.
Princess Tiana
is the Frog Princess,
the one black princess
that Disney has.
I... what's that?
And from New Orleans, exactly.
And that would have
been perfect, but I was not her.
Because I worked there
before that movie came out,
so I was Pluto.
They were like, "Hide her face."
We haven't drawn it yet."
But I liked playing Pluto.
Kids love Pluto so much.
Every day,
kids would come up to me
and say things like, "You remind
me of my dog at home."
And in my mind, I would think,
"How?"
What kind of dog
do you have at home?
I'm standing on two legs.
With the head,
I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
The nose-to-body proportion
makes no sense.
The coloring is weird.
What dog in real life
can you point at
and say, "That's Pluto"?
You can't.
Pluto's a weird freak of nature.
Also, in this "Disney World,".
Goofy is also a dog,
but can walk and talk,
wear clothes,
and work a real job.
And that's what's fucked up
about society, man.
[applause]
We're just so complacent
with our magic
that we don't realize
that one of these characters
isn't progressing
like the rest of them.
Full of rage.
I can't watch TV or movies
anymore and just enjoy them,
because I keep thinking
about the plot and the theme
and how it compares to society
and my life.
I was watching "Big Hero 6"
recently.
Has anyone seen it?
It's fun.
It's Disney; It's animated.
And the story is,
there's this kid genius
who builds robots,
and he meets
all these other geniuses,
and they create a team,
and they use their technological
skills as their super powers.
And I'm watching it,
and I'm starting to notice
all these different stereotypes
within the team of super heroes.
There's, like,
the nerdy Asian kid,
and there's a blonde girl
who's ditzy,
and there's a white guy
who's, like, a surfer dude,
and there's one black guy
who is huge,
like, muscles on muscles
and dreads, like Marshawn Lynch.
But he's the scaredy cat,
and it's supposed
to be really funny.
And I'm watching it
with one of my girlfriends
who is a black woman,
and I don't know what it is
about being with
one other black woman
or a group of black women,
but if no one else is around,
my inner Angela Davis
comes out,
and I'm like, "We need to talk
about the injustice, sistah!"
[humming soulfully]
And we were high,
so it was, like, heightened.
And we're watching the movie,
and I'm just trying
to enjoy the plot,
but the subtle racism
keeps hitting me in the face.
And I'm like, this is so cute.
This is such a great story.
But I could not help
but notice
that the one black man
in the whole movie
screams like a little girl
every time he's scared.
Why does he scream like that?
Is it because America
is trying to emasculate our men?
But the songs are so catchy.
I love the soundtrack.
But I could not help but notice
that the one black man
in the whole movie
is the only super hero
who is scared to use his powers.
Why is he so scared?
Is it because they ripped him
from Mother Africa?
When you take a king
from a kingdom,
he does not know
how powerful he is!
[applause]
But I love the animation.
The colors are great.
But I could not help but notice.
That the one black man
in the whole movie
is the only super hero
who cannot fly.
Why won't they
let my brother fly?
Is it because the man's
trying to hold him down
so he can't spread his wings?
One day, we'll all
spread our wings,
join hands,
and fly to the mountaintop,
singing, "We can build robots,
we can build robots!"
Thank God Almighty,
we can build robots!"
[cheers and applause]
So you should see "Big Hero 6"
if you haven't yet.
It's enthralling.
I am glad that there are more
diverse characters
in sci-fi now.
It's so great,
because it's so important
that we see ourselves
in the future.
We just got to know
that we made it.
[applause]
I remember watching
"The Jetsons" and being like,
"What happened to us?
"What genocide happened?
We're not anywhere?"
I watched
"Star Wars: Force Awakens"
when it came out,
and it was so wonderful
to see a female character
and a black character
just go on an adventure,
and there was no mention
of their gender or their race.
Like, there were no winks
to camera like,
"She's strong for a girl,"
or, like, "Wow, that black man"
can actually afford
a drink in this bar."
Nothing like that.
It was great, and I loved it.
It was a little tainted,
because when the trailer
came out for that movie
and the stormtrooper
took his helmet off
and it was a black man,
people lost their mind.
A bunch of racists online
being like,
"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
"Not my stormtroopers, no!
All my stormtroopers are white!"
It's like, what?
We've never seen them
take their helmets off before.
They could all be black,
for all we know.
It is the dark side.
But it sucks.
Like, I hate when people
just want to keep the division,
even in fictional things.
It's wild.
There are some black actors who
are in a lot of sci-fi things.
Zoe Saldana is an actress
who's in a lot of stuff.
But they keep painting her
a different color.
Poor girl.
It's like the studio is like,
"Don't worry, she's not black.
"She's green.
Like money."
I remember there was a rumor
that Idris Alba
could potentially be
the new James Bond.
[cheering]
Which would be great.
He's so suave and smooth,
and that should be the only
requirement for that job.
And some people got upset.
One very vocal person
was Rush Limbaugh,
and he said that a black actor
playing James Bond
is the equivalent
of George Clooney
playing Barack Obama
or Kelsey Grammer
playing Nelson Mandela.
And the problem...
with that analogy
is that Barack Obama
and Nelson Mandela
continue to influence
our culture and change society,
and James Bond...
is a fictional character!
It doesn't matter.
He could be a goddamn horse.
It does not matter.
I'm gonna make my own
sci-fi escapism film
for people of color.
[applause]
And it will be so simple.
It'll just be where
we have a black president
who isn't more disrespected
than any other president
in our country,
where everyone has
the equal opportunity to jobs
and health care and education,
and where law enforcement
in this country
actually protects everybody
in the country.
And that's it.
[cheers and applause]
And I'll throw a dragon in there
or something
so people actually go see it.
I was talking to a friend
about race,
like I do,
and he said
that he didn't understand
why people talk
about other people
in terms of their
cultural background,
because we live in America,
and America is a melting pot,
so the only culture
we should be concerned with
is American culture.
No.
I don't want to think about
America like a melting pot.
Very few things
are good melted.
Like, I've never had a plate
of steak, potatoes, and spinach
and been like, "You know,
I like all these things",
"but I really wish someone would
melt it all together for me
and serve it to me
in a shit-colored soup."
No, if you melt
everything together,
you're gonna lose
all the original flavors
that people bring
from other countries.
That's what makes
this country great.
You can't just meld
everything together like that.
I think we should
think of America
less like a melting pot
and more like a pizza.
[cheering]
'Cause all the ingredients
are distinctly their own thing,
working together
to make a great meal,
and it's all held together
with grease.
This is a greasy,
grimy-ass country,
and we should admit that more.
I also know that pizza is not
originally American food.
It's Italian.
But that's also
the American way,
taking a bit
of someone else's culture,
claiming it as our own,
and being super defensive
about it
if anyone challenges us.
[applause]
If someone ever asks us
to defend it, it's like,
"Nah, fuck you,
we always had pizza.
God bless pizza."
But I get why people wouldn't
want to talk about this stuff
and don't want to, like,
get into deep issues
like race or gender,
because if you make a mistake
and you say something wrong,
you could ruin your whole life.
People get fired over tweets.
It's crazy.
We're in a very trigger-happy
time right now,
where people are on the search
for, like, the next bigot
or the next racist,
and let's take their jobs
and make them lose their family,
just ruin their life.
And I don't know if that's good.
Do you guys remember
when Hulk Hogan got in trouble?
He got in trouble
because he said the N-word,
and it was recorded,
and someone put it online,
and then people blogged
about it,
and the WWE fired him,
removed him
from the Hall of Fame,
and scrubbed him
from the website.
Scrubbed, as if
he never existed.
He basically built that company,
and they were like, "Nope, we
do not associate with racists."
Which is like... come on.
The WWE?
Most wrestlers of color
have been named
things like Saba Simba...
or, like, the Mexicools.
And now you want
to put your foot down?
All right, very convenient.
And it sucks that he said that,
it really does.
But how great would it have been
if he actually stayed
with the WWE,
and then there's
a whole storyline
on how he's learning
how to be culturally aware?
He's, like, taking classes.
And he walks
into the ring like,
"Today I learned
that the N-word hurts, brother."
But when he says, "Brother,"
he's thinking the N-word.
Yeah.
And then we all get
to learn together.
Instead, what people
are learning is,
if you do anything wrong,
your life gets ruined.
And I don't think
that's a good lesson to learn.
I'd like to think that people
can redeem themselves
and learn a lesson.
I make mistakes.
I used to think that it was cool
to wear a solid
colored turtleneck,
solid colored socks
that matched,
and a matching scrunchy.
That's an outfit I wore a lot,
until one day in fifth grade,
this girl came up to me
and goes,
"Uh, no one wears that."
And I was like, "Noted,"
never did it again.
That's a good way
to learn a lesson.
She could have brought me
in front of the class
and been like,
"Look how stupid she looks."
And then the teacher's like,
"Yeah, you do look stupid,"
and then kicks me
out of the class.
And then I'm walking around
with bad taste
and no education.
You could just keep me
in the class.
But I do think it's good
to talk about this stuff,
because how else
are you gonna know
if you're offending anybody
if you don't speak up
and actually ask questions?
I remember talking
to a fellow student
who lived in my dorm
in college.
She was from Korea.
She was a foreign
exchange student.
I don't remember which Korea,
but that's not important
to the story.
But she kept asking me
different questions
and asking me if I knew
certain people.
She'd be like,
"Do you know John?"
And I'd be like, "No."
And she's like,
"Do you know Shayna?"
And I'd be like, "No."
And I don't know
what tipped me off,
but I started to wonder
if she was only asking me
if I knew black people.
So I asked her, I was like,
"Are you only asking me
if I know black people?"
And she goes, "Yes."
And I was like, "Do you think
I know all the black people"
at this school
because I'm black?"
And she goes, "Yes."
And I was like,
"You can't do that.
"That's a stereotype.
"That'd be like if I assumed
you knew all the Korean people
at this school."
And she goes, "I do."
We all know each other."
And I was like, "Never mind."
It's a good thing
we kept talking.
If that conversation had ended
two sentences before that point,
I would have left being like,
"That racist piece of shit."
And she would have left
being like,
"What's wrong with this
antisocial black girl?
She's not hanging out
with her friends."
But I hate it when people
are so progressive
that they, like, tip the line
into being offensive,
like, when they're just so PC
that they ignore things.
Like, I hate when people say,
"I don't see color."
Woof.
First of all, it's a lie.
You can see color.
Even if you're colorblind,
you can see shades.
And when someone says that,
what I'm hearing is,
"I choose not to see injustice,"
or, "I'd rather not be bothered"
"with the information that some
people are treated differently
because of the way they look."
And that's not helpful
to anybody.
It'd actually be helpful
if you saw color
and recognized how differently
people are being treated.
[applause]
There were these protests
in South Africa
a few months ago
with these university students,
and some of the students
were white,
and some of the students
were black.
And the students who got beat up
and arrested
by the cops the most
were, of course,
the black students.
So what the white students
did was,
they put themselves
on the perimeter of the protest
and used themselves
as a human shield,
like a Caucasian force field,
'cause they knew the cops
wouldn't hurt them,
and they wouldn't break through
to hurt anybody else.
And it worked.
That's the end of the story.
It just worked.
They saw color,
created a reverse Ho-Ho,
and saved their friends.
[applause]
It's beautiful.
And that's what I want
people to learn.
You can use your privilege
to help other people.
I use my boyfriend's privilege
all the time.
He's white
and very sorry about it.
And if I ever want a cab
late at night,
I just send him
out into the street.
I'm like,
"Babe, put your arm up,"
and then I go crouch
behind a bush.
And then a cab pulls up,
he opens the door.
I fly in, I say,
"Black rides matter."
We go home.
It's like, I don't want him
to feel bad about his privilege.
I want him to get us a cab.
But he's great.
He's really awesome
and is really open to talking
about race and things
that I want to talk about
and is just, like, good
about learning stuff.
I have been with people
who haven't been like that.
I was hanging out
with a guy who was white,
and probably still is,
and we were having
a conversation,
and he goes,
"I want to ask you a question,
"but it might be
a little awkward.
Can I touch your hair?"
And we had been hooking up
for a few months at that point,
and I didn't realize
he had not touched my hair.
Like, I didn't know
there was a force field
of racial confusion
circling around my head.
And I was like,
"Yeah, man, it's fine.
"We're hooking up.
You can touch anything on me."
And he goes,
"All right, cool, cool, cool.
Well, what about your asshole?"
And that's not where I thought
the conversation was going.
That was a bait-and-switch.
I thought this was gonna be
a nice moment
of cultural enlightenment,
where I talk about my hair
and what it's like
to be black in America.
He just wanted
to get in my asshole.
I didn't say no, but still.
I feel like, when I was younger,
I would see a lot of scenes
in TV shows and in movies
where the female protagonist
would find a stray hair
that didn't belong to her,
and that's how she knew
she was being cheated on.
But I feel like I wouldn't
be able to use that same test,
because I feel
like my whole person
and my whole apartment
is just constantly covered
in white girl hair.
And I don't want to make
any stereotypes
like, "White girls always
be losing their hair."
But also, why aren't we talking
about this more?
It's everywhere.
On my shoes, in my coats,
in my hair.
Like, I have white girlfriends,
but we're not wrestling
around with each other
to make this happen.
I found a long strand
of blonde hair
on my boyfriend's coat,
and I was like,
"Who could this belong to?"
And I was like,
"Oh, he walked outside today.
Literally anybody."
I've been thinking
about body hair lately,
because I've been shaving
my parts
since I was a teenager,
but it wasn't till recently
when I was like, "Why?"
Like, I'm not going
into surgery every month.
What is this for?
And I did some research
on when women in America
started shaving their body hair,
and it started
in the early 1900s
because razor companies
weren't making enough money
selling razors to men
for their facial hair,
so they started selling
to women.
And they put out
all these advertisements
to convince women to shave,
because it wasn't
a natural inclination
for us to just shave
all the time.
And there would be print ads
that would just be like,
"You'll be a spinster.
"You'll die alone.
You'll be stinky,
you'll be ugly."
Like, all these horrible things
to make women feel terrible
for being themselves.
I saw, like, a literal print ad
where it was, like,
an old woman
with hair coming out
of her pits
sitting by herself
at a restaurant,
and then two clean-shaven women
by the bar, like,
"What's wrong with her?"
"Oh, you haven't heard?
"She doesn't know how to shave.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
And it worked; It worked.
They brainwashed us
into thinking we were disgusting
for doing a natural thing.
And I get it, because
advertising is very powerful.
I just heard
that Sprite in America
is specifically advertised
to black people,
which makes sense,
because all the billboards
are hip-hop legends,
and the music in the radio ads
are always hip-hop,
and every time I see
a lemon and lime,
I want to play basketball.
It's like, they got me.
And I did some more research
on hair,
because I was high,
and I was like,
"Got to get
to the bottom of this."
And I found out
that Native Americans
used to keep all their hair long
because it would help them
with battle and with hunting,
and they would be more aware
of their surroundings,
and if something was
gonna come up and attack them,
they would feel it quicker
than they would
if they didn't have hair at all.
So if that's the case,
women, of all people,
should have all of the hair.
[applause]
'Cause we're at risk
of being attacked
just for leaving the house.
For safety purposes,
I want to be
Chewbacca-level hairy,
scalp to toe.
If someone's gonna attack me
from 50 feet away
and their body creates wind,
I want a leg tickle
so I know it's time to go.
I was talking to a guy
in a bar recently,
and I was just
listening intently
to what he was saying,
and I guess my face
fell into a neutral pose,
because he called me on it,
and he goes,
"Oh, you must suffer
from resting bitch face."
Has anyone else gotten that?
It sucks.
I hate that that term
even exists.
Like, if a woman's
not smiling all the time
or looking happy all the time,
she looks like a bitch?
Which is crazy,
because I know what I look like
when I'm being bitchy.
I look like this.
That's my active bitch face.
So to say my resting face
is bitchy
is an outlandish claim.
Also, my face is resting
because it's tired.
It's so tired
from smiling all the time,
or being told
to smile all the time,
or waiting for my turn to speak
when I'm in a room
full of men,
or apologizing for things
that I'm not actually sorry for
but my speech
is conditioned in a way
to think that
I need to be apologetic
for even taking up space.
[cheers and applause]
And I wanted to explain all this
to the guy I was talking to,
but I didn't want to prove his
point by being a bitch about it.
So I just said, "Oh, that's
so funny that you say that."
"This whole time
we've been talking,
I noticed you had
resting rape face."
[applause]
Ended that conversation
very quickly.
I need to go back to therapy.
I stopped going
because me and my therapist
got in a fight.
Not my fault.
I was traveling
for a few months,
and I wanted to take a break,
because I like
in-person sessions,
and I didn't want
to do the phone.
And I'm explaining this to her,
and she goes,
"Oh, I'm not your boyfriend.
I don't take breaks."
Which is a sassy thing
for someone to say
if I'm paying them.
And I was like,
"Well, I don't know what to do,
"because I don't want
to come back,
so I guess I'm done forever?"
And then she started
yelling at me,
started listing all the reasons
why I need therapy
and why I need her.
And it was so strange,
because this attack
was happening,
but I felt like
the work we had done together
got me to an emotional state
where I was like,
this has nothing to do with me.
I will not let her put
her negative energy on me.
She's trying to put us
in a codependent relationship
that I did not sign up for.
And then I said that out loud,
and she lost it.
Lost her mind.
Kept screaming at me.
And I was waiting
for her to stop
so I could be like, "Where do
you want the last check?"
Because I'm never
coming back here again."
And she didn't stop,
so I just got up
and inched my way to the door
as she's shouting at me.
And the last thing
she said to me was,
"Fine, go leave.
You'll be
just like your father."
Which is great news,
because we also talked
about how I subconsciously
keep looking for men
who are just like my father.
Turns out, this whole time,
I'm just like my father.
I don't need to find a man
to do what I can do myself.
[applause]
That means I graduated therapy,
right?
I became my father.
I'm glad to be
in a relationship,
for multiple reasons,
but one is because
I was so bad at the chase.
I was so bad
at picking up guys.
I would do this thing
where I'd meet a guy in a bar
and basically have
an emotional one-night stand
where, instead of getting drunk
and opening up my legs
to a stranger,
I would get drunk and open up
my heart and my soul and my mind
and divulge way too much
information about myself.
And just stuff
they didn't need to know,
like, "When I was 9... my dad..."
My therapist said this,
but I don't do it."
Like, way too much stuff.
And the guys would
never leave immediately,
so I'd be like,
"They're into it."
And then, they would never call
to hang out a second time.
But I shouldn't be surprised,
because it's like my mom
always said.
Why would a man
want to buy a cow
when he already knows how
emotionally damaged that cow is?
All right,
thank you guys so much.
I really appreciate it.
You've been wonderful.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[exhales]
- Congrats, you did it.
- Oh, now you're excited for me?
- What do you mean?
- What about earlier
when you literally beat me up?
We're supposed to be
on the same team.
- That was just tough love.
I knew you'd prove me wrong,
and it seems to have worked.
- It felt like you
were betting against me.
- Well, some of us were.
- Sorry.
- But that's not important.
What's important is,
you did it.
- Yeah, I did it.
Despite the crippling fear
Never mind the epic doubt
I've conquered
all of those today
I've learned
what it's all about
How often have I dreamed
That I would one day see
"Pizza Mind" added
to my IMDB
I did it
- You really did it
You got on stage
You told the jokes,
you made them laugh
- Except for that one guy
in the front.
- He had a lot on his mind.
You did it.
- I really did it
You hit your marks
You didn't choke
You didn't vagina-sweat
- And I usually do so much.
- But not today.
- I did it
- You really did it
- I didn't fart
- Mm...
- Okay, well at least
I didn't shart.
- You did it
Nobody heckled, nobody booed
And your tooth were almost
totally devoid of food
- Almost?
- You did it.
- They said
I couldn't make it
- I've always believed in you.
- They all stood in my way
- Right this way.
- I know that's
a bunch of malarkey.
- Okay, fine, I'll admit it
A lot of people helped me
But I'm still working
in the confines
Of the patriarchy
[men groan]
Patriarchy
[tempo increases]
- I did it
- She didn't trip.
- I really did it
- She did the show.
- And I didn't have
a ghostwriter to help me
- Boo.
- I did it
- She did it.
- I really did it
- She did the show.
- And I'll never
have to do it again
Said I'll never
have to do it again
- Yeah, Sasheer, you're gonna
have to do that again.
You missed a cue.
Also, you're probably
gonna want to change your pants.
- You guys, it's just sweat.
[hip-hop music]
- Come on
- Let me give you a piece
Of my mind
Fight if you can,
I wanna get inside
And show you just who I am,
I'm standing
Destiny brought me
to do or die
Fly, Jack fighter,
in the wing box
Step higher
than the wingspan
Broader than any city
I land in
Every time
with the three-point landing
What's my name?
Can't say it?
Learn that shit
Embrace your loss,
burn that bridge
Ahead of your time,
[indistinct] snatch it
Cracked it
for the long haul
With the compost
I'm at the council
with no accomplishments
Accomplish the mission
with the confidence
In the long... oh, man,
oh, man, I got this
Watch it
I'm on that,
I'm on that
And I won't let it go
I can do it,
I'm on it
And I'ma let 'em know,
let 'em know
Let 'em know,
let 'em know, let 'em know
I'm on it,
and I won't let it go
Won't do it,
I want it