Sasq-Watch! (2016) Movie Script
Sasquatch!
He's going after rabbits.
Them rabbits are cute.
Science!
A lot of people have made
the Sasquatch into a joke.
It's not a joke.
It's a living,
breathing humanoid.
Of course, there are
hundreds of theories as to
who or what the
Sasquatch is.
Some say he's a...
some say it is an
inter-dimensional being or
alien, thus explaining why no
Sasquatch body has been found.
Others like Jeffrey
Meldrum believe it to be a
missing link between
humans and other primates,
which works, but then
again, why has no body
ever been found anywhere
in nature, dead or alive?
But because no definitive,
100-percent conclusive
proof of its existence has
ever been produced,
it hasn't been afforded the
same respect as other
scientific disciplines.
But that's going
to change today.
The Damien Hogel Prize
is like an Academy Award
times a Nobel Prize plus
blowing up the Death Star,
all rolled into one.
That's what made Damien
Hogel a household name.
Now, the Hogel foundation
says they're going to
discontinue it
next year...
Nigel!
Oh.
Apparently the family
thinks they have a better
use for the money,
so this expedition...
is pretty much our last shot.
Yes!
Checkpoint.
My brother
Oscar is an indispensable
part of the project.
Now, he may not be
academically inclined, but
he's got street smarts.
I guess you could say
Nigel's kind of a hero to me.
He's like Lance Armstrong,
the first man on the moon.
Everyone said he was crazy
and that he couldn't go to
the moon.
And then he
did it anyways.
You mean Neil Armstrong.
Yeah, and I'm like
his Buzz Lightyear.
Buzz Aldrin.
Who?
Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz Lightyear was
a doll in Toy Story.
I like dolls.
Says here Sasquatch is
number one predator of the
Draconians. What's a Draconian?
That's, um, lizard people.
Let me see.
Every good expedition
begins with research.
Hey Nigel.
Hey Ted.
What are you guys doing?
We're just doing
some research.
We're going on an
expedition to find
Sasquatch, no big deal.
Cool, cool.
Hey look, my manager is...
hasn't quite
gotten past the whole
Oscar diaper scenario.
Sorry.
We tried getting funding
for this trip for a long
time, but we kept getting
denied until I realized
grant applications aren't
so much about ideas as
they are about wording.
Try "Alabama
Mountain Gorilla."
And penmanship.
That's two Ls.
And presto!
Ten thousand dollars.
Once we got the money, our
a camper.
Is it on?
No.
Alright, say "whiskey."
Whiskey!
Alright, do
whatever you want. Freestyle.
We've gathered
a bunch of...
We've gathered a bunch of
specialty camping gear for
our trip.
Compass.
Multi-channel walkie-talkies.
Beep-beep!
This is an altimeter
with laser pointer.
Clif Bar.
Krazy Glue.
And emergency glow
sticks, just in case.
You just break 'em
right in the middle.
Well, it's not an
emergency, so...
We're ready to go.
This came off again.
Ow!
Hey, close the back, I
gotta get all this stuff.
Do you have the keys?
That's...
that's what I've
been saying.
Most of the work that's
been done so far has been
office based, so, I mean...
it's just pretty exciting
to get out into the field,
kind of get out of the
ivory tower, if you will.
I mean, I know it's
going to be hard.
I'm not under any
illusions about that, but
you don't have to have
been to the woods in order
to understand the woods.
Can we find a bathroom?
I really have to go.
Yeah, I... yeah, next stop.
Does 'Squatch
get a book deal?
Of course!
If Sasquatch were to fight
a bobcat with rabies...
Tear it apart.
He'd tear it apart.
He's five times the
size of a bobcat.
Sasquatch versus the
Abominable Snowman?
There's no prize in here.
Maybe you ate it?
Oscar and I make a
pretty good team.
We bring to the table
different kinds of knowledge.
Ha ha ha ha!
Looks like the
radiator's leaking.
Are you sure?
- Mm.
- What about this hose?
Is that performing
its function?
Does it go there?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Ow, God!
Ow, God!
I don't think that's
an issue at all.
I think it's a question of
"will he win" if he runs
- for president.
- That's a good point too.
Oscar, let's just think...
let's think things through
before we say sentences.
- Mhmm.
- 'Cause he doesn't have a phone.
- You know that.
- You're saying that!
You're saying he
doesn't have a phone.
He's in a forest!
You're saying just because
he's in a forest he
doesn't know martial arts?
Nigel, I think long term.
Y-You look short term.
Okay?
We're gonna find the 'Squatch,
- I'm just saying, y'know...
- Oscar, Oscar...
In two to four years,
where do you see yourself?
Oscar, honestly, if I
actually find a Sasquatch,
I don't have to do
anything for the rest of
my life if I
don't want to.
And here it is,
that's Dogwood.
It's a small town in
geographic terms, but
nowhere has had so many
Sasquatch sightings in all
the Appalachians.
This is where we
start the expedition.
Your turn's coming up.
You missed it.
I missed it.
Let's uh, turn
around up here.
Shoot.
Chess!
The game of
kings and sages. Heh...
Uh, are you Chuck?
No.
A-are you Chuck?
Nope.
Uh, we're here
to meet Chuck.
Uh, one of his guides is
going to take us...
Why'd you park over there?
Um, it's...
just for shade.
Yeah, okay.
Um, do you know where
we could find Chuck?
Hey, look who's here.
Jamie!
Uh, Jamie's my buddy
Todd's sister.
Um, and, me and Todd go
way back, 'til, like we
were little kids,
we've been friends.
- Fireball!
- You missed!
- I hit you!
- No you didn't, it missed!
I just hit you
with that fireball.
No, you always say that! Ugh.
Um, sadly Todd died last
year in a jousting accident.
For Waveland!
Anyway, um...
Uh, Jamie's Todd's sister
and we have this kind of
running joke where we
pretend not to like one another.
It's pretty funny.
I say that because
I don't like them.
What are you doing here?
Hi J-Jamie.
I'm working for
dad this summer.
I thought you were
going to Paris.
Mom couldn't afford it,
dad's being dad, said
America's got everything I
need, so I'm spending my
summer in Deliverance.
Hey, we saw that movie.
- Mhmm.
- It was good.
Gonna make
you squeal like a piggy, boy.
Squeal piggy! Squeal!
Who you found
there, Jamie?
Dad, these were Todd's
friends Nigel...
and his brother Something.
Nigel.
You were supposed to
be here two hours ago.
- We missed the turnoff.
- Twice.
There was a
lot of traffic.
Well, I let the guy go
with another group, I
thought y'all
weren't coming.
Can we use one of
your other guys?
I don't work here.
I don't work here either.
Is there anyone
else available?
Well, y'all come on
the long weekend.
Every guide in town's
already booked.
Not Samson.
No, not Samson.
Hello there.
You must be Samson.
Nope.
Uh, we're looking for a
guide to take us up the valley.
You huntin' the Sasquatch?
Yes.
I met the 'Squatch once.
That's good.
Um, so...
you know your way
around the forest?
I know a thing or two.
That'll have
been your car.
No problem.
You're gonna need a fourth
to carry your gear.
What about those
guys at the trailer?
They seem nice.
Feh!
Those two ain't
right in the head.
What's your problem?
What's up with fatty?
I was really happy
to find Samson.
He knows the area well
obviously, and he's
ex-military, which is
just an added bonus.
He left when he was
"Section 8," which I
believe is a
pretty high level.
They have a, uh, ceramic
elephant with boxing gloves.
- Did you get it?
- Do you want to go halves?
He says we need a fourth.
Sorry son, bum leg.
Bad back.
No.
No, n-
Everything's
falling into place.
Uh, Samson agreed to guide
us, and Jamie is probably
going to come along and
help out with gear.
She's just working out the
details with her dad right now.
You can't do this with me!
You said I didn't have
to do any guiding.
Well just think of it as a
camping trip with your friends.
My friends?
Well, your brother's
friends then.
He'd love for you to spend
more time with them.
Todd was an idiot.
I hate camping.
I would rather watch
Kristen Stewart movies on
repeat, and there's
nothing you can do to
change that!
Well maybe you'd like to
pay your own tuition next year.
Did you pack the
coconut Luna bars?
And the peanut butter.
Dah!
So, after a few wrong
turns, we've made it to
the trail head.
We're going to be here for
a few days, so we kind of
packed a lot.
Is this yours?
Yeah, do you want
me to carry it?
Samson brought some extra
gear too to help with the
cooking...
and stuff.
You've got to
be kidding me.
Hello Oscar.
Nigel.
Hello Claus.
So it's going
to be like that?
Claus used to be Nigel's
best friend and mentor...
'til he stole his
migration data.
Of course I'm talking
about the Tallahassee
Skunk Ape, which is one of
the first times that I was
able to see a Sasquatch.
This is the, uh,
reimagining of the picture that
I took. It was
a pretty amazing time.
This is with myself. This is my painting.
It's unbelievable, the animal...
That's my migration
data, Claus!
You're ripping me off!
Get him outta here!
This is such a stupid garbage class!
That's pretty much the
worst thing to happen to
anybody ever.
Now they're mortal
enemies, like Samuel
"Screech" Powers
and Zach Morris.
Argh.
Claus!
Who are the goons?
You don't know the meaning
of the word "goons."
Oh, I know goons, and I know
those are a couple of goons.
Those "goons" are
my assistants.
- Laura...
- Lana.
- And Mark.
- Chris.
Do not shake
hands with them.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Jamie.
- Hey!
- I'm single.
Why aren't you guys
wearing your outfitted
uniform tops?
Claus, do we really have to wear
the stupid matching...
Yeah.
Change.
Change in front of me.
Slower.
See, they take orders
just like two good goons.
- I mean assistants.
- Claus!
You're only here
because of my data.
Maybe you should take your
crew and go somewhere else.
I'm sorry, Nigel?
Is this your forest?
No.
It's the government's!
I can't believe this.
Things were going so well
until Claus showed up.
There's not a forest in
the world big enough for
the both of us.
That's a tad dramatic.
I can't believe I used
to call him my mentor.
There is no one in the
world more different from me.
So, only one of you guys
is supposed to find Chewbacca?
You know it's
not Chewbacca.
And why are you
talking to him?
This is your last
chance, Nigel.
We're both after
the same thing.
I'm willing to team up
with you if you are.
That's a good idea.
Absolutely out
of the question.
Alright, suit yourself.
See you later, losers.
Now what do we do?
We find the
Sasquatch first.
...a couple years ago.
I just kind of fell
into collecting 'em.
Something that I didn't
really plan or anything.
Do you collect?
Your idea of a stuffed
animal is a little
different than mine.
Yeah, I put mine in
the back of my car, I
sometimes I'll sleep with
a couple of them, but I, I
get a little...
Nigel, come on.
It's really steep.
I got it, just go ahead.
It is a lot farther than
I thought it was going to be.
But we've been
doing some training
It was really more
strength than endurance.
You eating those berries?
Don't.
Ho!
Hm.
Nothing.
Here, smell that.
Keep smelling it.
Is that a baby?
No. It's a rock.
It's a little frustrating
how slowly we're going.
I'd been hoping to get there
in one day, but
what can you do?
I mean, you have the
people you have.
I think I'm
going to vomit.
We can stop here
for the night.
Here, let me help you.
What are you doing?
By moving the tent closer
to the tree, you can make
use of its branches as
shelter from the elements.
There's roots there.
If I move my tent there
I'll have to sleep on roots.
Mhmm, mhmm.
Mild discomfort in
exchange for shelter from
the rain.
My fly sheet will shelter
me from the rain.
Yes.
I'm not certain
where Nigel learned to camp.
Fleischmann's Field Guide To
Backwoodsmanry, Second Edition.
Everything you need to
know about the art of
woodland survival.
Who the is
Dick Fleissman?
Well, we finished day one and
we're all still in one piece.
The hiking was
harder than expected.
It's made us rethink
some logistical issues.
For example, how are we
going to get a 300-pound
animal through ten
miles of forest?
That's going to be a
challenge, you know, but
it's not insurmountable.
We could use a
Sasquatch cannon.
Or maybe we could summon
an imaginary pegasus to
help haul it
over the rainbow.
That is if we catch it
and it grants us wishes.
Just don't stare
right at it, okay?
Okay.
The food Samson
makes is real hearty.
Like something you'd find
in a Marlboro commercial.
What is this?
Soup.
Is there meat in it?
Yep.
What kind of meat?
- Possum.
- Wow.
Samson, I told you
I was a vegetarian.
Tell you what.
Why don't you pick
the pieces out.
When we get back,
bring them to a vet,
see what they can do.
Ugh!
Grandma's secret recipe.
I know a secret recipe
for Rice Krispie bars.
Do tell.
What I'm saying is if you
don't want to share a tent
with him, that's okay.
You could sleep in that
tent with Oscar and I'll
stick with Samson.
I'm good.
When I was six and Oscar
was eight, we saw the
Sasquatch.
It was Saturday morning,
about a week before
Halloween, I was awoken
by a noise outside.
First, I thought it was a
bear, but then I saw that
it was walking on two legs
and using its forelimbs to
gather food.
I suddenly realized what
we were looking at.
It was the most magical
experience of my life.
Nobody believed us, of
course, but I swore that
day I would get proof.
And here we are.
Okay guys, time
to roll out.
You get that pack
on, then I'll get up.
Okay.
It's perfect.
Alright, we'll
set up camp here.
So, this is the
Dogwood region.
There have been sightings
here every year for the
past 80 years.
- It's upside down.
- I've plotted...
I've plotted the most
plausible sightings here
on this map.
As you can see, there
appears to be no real
pattern or distribution
to them at all.
They're all over the
place, and that has been
the assumption of
Sasquatch researchers for
decades.
That Sasquatch
forage randomly.
But, look what happens
when you code the
sightings by season.
A pattern emerges.
Eastern Highlands in the
Summer, Western Lowlands
in the Winter.
Every Spring, topography
dictates that they pass
through this point on
their way from one feeding
ground to the other.
That's where we
are right now.
I don't see it.
What about the ones that
are east in the Winter and
west in the Summer.
Those are what we call
"statistical outliers."
Every study has them.
But they just need to be
eliminated in order for
the truth to reveal
itself, there.
Science.
There was a confirmed
track find about 100
kilometers west of
here two weeks ago.
That should put a
Sasquatch through this
area in the next
couple of days.
But we're not just
going to get a photo.
Nuh-uh.
We're going to capture one
live, and we're going to
use the oldest trick bait.
What's in it?
What's in what?
The bait. What's in it?
That's not
important right now.
It's cat food
and blueberries.
It's a lot more complex.
You said it was cat
food and blueberries.
But there's
also some salt.
Science.
Yeah.
The bait is attached to a
line that leads up to a
release mechanism
up there.
When the target tugs on
the can, the line rings a
bell, okay?
At that point, the
mechanism releases a net,
and boom goes
the dynamite.
Woo!
Kablammo.
Let's try one out.
Oscar, you ready?
In this simulation, Oscar
will play the role of
Sasquatch.
We'll watch from the
observation station we set
up here.
And this will screen
us from our quarry.
It doesn't look
like camouflage.
Well, it only has to fool
the casual observer.
Did your mom make it?
Yeah, she's the only one
who knows how to sew.
Why's there a deer on it?
Okay, let's save
questions for later.
Let's just get into
position guys.
And start simulation.
Less sneaky, Oscar.
How do I go then?
Just walk.
No, Oscar.
The Sasquatch
doesn't have pockets.
Well I
really don't know what to
do with my
hands right now.
Brother, just walk
like a Sasquatch, okay?
No, just...
Actually that's
pretty good.
Mmm, tasty!
Ew.
Is he eating it?
Mmm, real good.
And pull on the line!
Ahh, ahh!
And voila, Sasqwatch
is immobilized.
Okay, thanks Oscar.
- That's good.
- Am I done?
You're done.
He doesn't look immobilized.
Well spotted.
That is where
this comes in.
You're gonna
shoot Bigfoot?
We're going to
tranquilize Sasquatch.
You can hit it
from that distance?
- No...
- I'm good!
But I'm willing
to bet Samson can.
Samson, how's your aim?
I could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.
You hear that?
He could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.
Agh!
See that, moon cats?
You're next.
That was pretty
good actually.
Yup.
Oscar, come in.
He might be down a while.
L-let me
get this straight.
So, I just hiked for an
hour and a half, and then
drove fifty minutes round
trip to get this, and now
you don't want it.
I'm saying I want
what I asked for.
This is
what you asked for.
I asked for a newspaper.
That's the West L.A. Times.
Kind of splitting hairs.
Do I need to remind you
how much money I'm paying you?
Mm, nope, you don't
have to do it.
Alright, unbelieveable.
Oh, and can you get some
mara-chino cherries.
Maraschinos. Maraschinos.
Leading an expedition is
really about knowing how
to manage people.
Which is why I think
Nigel's cause is a lost one.
Nigel Norman's
Wild Adventures, brought
to you by The Damien
Hogel Foundation.
Sure you don't
want any face camo?
You're going to stick
out like a sore thumb.
I'm good.
Oscar!
What is it?
Nothing. Just...
How's it going.
Good. Good.
How are you?
Dad made it pretty clear
that if I quit the
expedition, he wouldn't
pay for my school, so...
Ten a.m., breakfast complete.
Trees one through eight
remain stationary?
Suspected donkey
appears to be a log.
Observation continues.
That's good work.
Nigel, this is pointless!
There's nothing
to observe.
Writing in a book
doesn't help anybody.
This is a scientific exercise!
We need to make observations.
Oh, wait, I just
thought of one.
I thought that
was pretty clear.
Jamie's admittedly taken a
little while to get into
it, but with a little
guidance, she's going to
be as enthusiastic
as the rest of us.
"You are a penis."
- That's an observation.
- Let me see.
It's not even on
the right day.
So, I'm not saying this is
the worst experience of my
life, but it's
pretty shitty.
No, this is probably the
worst experience of my
life.
Shoot.
Jaaaa-mie.
Hello Oscar.
What's up, what you doing?
Just meditating.
What are you
meditating about?
Nothing, I'm just trying to
clear my mind of bad thoughts.
Come on, you must be
thinking of something.
No, I'm not.
Just trying to be zen.
Oh, you're zen baby.
Yeah.
You're freaking zen.
Yeah.
A woman like Jamie?
Slow...
To warm up.
But there are ways to
grab her attention.
One of those ways?
Is banter.
...colder on top of a
mountain, you know, when
it's closer to the sun?
That's because the sun
is made of hydrogen and
- helium and...
- Go away O...
It's just a
matter of time.
And make sure you log in
that plastic bag we saw.
That's right, thanks.
We're just packing
up the station now.
Then it's back to camp for
dinner and tales around
the camp fire.
Nigel!
Say "shrimp toast."
Shrimp toast?
You must have a tale or two
about your time in the marines.
Not really.
I ate a man once.
You ate a man?
Part of him.
I don't exactly regret the
choice, but I'm not proud of it.
Where do you start if
you're gonna eat a man?
A dead man's on a
plate in front of you.
Where do you start?
Start with the face?
That has emotions.
What if those
emotions go into you?
There's a chest.
That's his
digestive system.
Do you want to digest all
the horror he swallowed in
his life?
You start with his feet,
do you go where he went?
Probably not.
So I ate three toes.
Were you marooned?
No.
I wasn't marooned, I was
in a military hospital.
Some guy in the morgue
dared me to eat a dead guy.
What was I supposed to do?
Made me five bucks.
Look at it that way.
Dollar sixty-seven
per toe.
Arithmetic.
Thank you for your
service, sir.
Yep.
Have you seen anything?
Uh, I had this one little
squirrel chasing another
squirrel, but I think he got
him earlier, which was pretty...
Have you seen like an
eight-foot Sasquatch?
Not today.
Well look harder!
- Yes sir.
- You got it.
Well, to suggest that I'm
not disappointed with our
results to date would be a
misrepresentation of the facts.
I'm actually very disappointed.
But I'm confident
in my leadership.
With my team,
we will triumph.
Oh yeah, we will triumph.
Can I borrow that?
Uh, sure.
Aw, the bait can is empty.
Sure looks like it.
Man, that squirrel has
bested us again.
He's a real so-and-so.
I'll go refill it.
Nigel, how much longer
are we going to do this?
It's been three days.
Just have to be
patient, Jamie.
He's playing with us.
Nigel, he's not
playing with us.
He's not coming.
Samson, will you
back me up here?
She's right.
You're not going to
catch the 'Squatch.
Thank you.
He's too smart.
He's too smart?
I heard something going
through my garbage one night.
I assumed it was a bear.
Grabbed a tire
iron, scare him off.
I come 'round the corner
say "get out of my garbage."
It wasn't no bear.
It was a Sasquatch.
He raised a big paw,
doosh, right in the jaw.
Knocked me out cold.
So, you want to stuff and
mount Sasquatch because he
punched you in the face?
I want to stuff and
mount the Sasquatch...
because he pantsed me.
The, the Sasquatch
pantsed you?
When I woke up, my jaw was
swollen and my pants and
my drawers were down
around my ankles.
I'd been laying there in
the all-together, unable
to hide my shame.
No, that was no misunderstanding.
But, that story is
not yet fully told.
See that?
That's the tale of Samson
and the Sasquatch.
Only the last few
frames are missing.
That part of the story
has yet to be told,
but it will be.
It will be.
Samson's revenge.
I will have my moment!
Do you want to
trade tents?
Nope.
Claus!
- Lana, Chris.
- Welcome.
What a surprise, Nigel!
I didn't know
you were here.
Bull crap you didn't know.
What are you
doing here Claus?
Well the area downstream
proved to be not to my
liking, so I decided to
move our observation point here.
Mhmm, where my projections
put the migration route.
Really?
Well, you know what, it's
a free forest Nigel If you
don't like it, why
don't you move?
Why don't you move to the
garbage dump, because you
know what?
You're a piece of junk.
Or better yet, take your
dumb spaceship tent and
move to outer space.
Don't you dare insult
my spaceship tent.
Nigel!
Whoa, that's awesome!
I found tracks.
Hey Claus.
Mark!
That's Chris.
Whatever!
Follow them!
Alright.
Must've slipped past
us during the night.
Samson, how old do
you think it is?
About twelve hours.
Damn.
We have to hatch
a new plan.
Maybe we should
team up with Claus.
I'd rather kiss Cthulhu.
He's a bad guy.
Nigel, this is crazy.
We're running low on food,
we're out of toilet paper,
we haven't had
showers in three days.
We should be heading home, not
going further into the woods.
Jamie, I came here to do
one thing, and it wasn't
"not capture a Sasquatch."
This is our last chance
to win the Damien Hogel, okay?
I'm not going to be
stopped by...
"not enough toilet paper."
Samson, are you seriously
going along with this?
Yep, I got paid up front.
He can do whatever
he wants, far as I'm concerned.
And what about
the rest of us?
Hm.
Allow me to draw
you a diagram.
This...
is a flea's butt hole.
And this is how much
I care if you die.
You think
a lot about butts.
So they say.
Has anyone seen my camera?
It was right
here with my bag.
Yeah, maybe Chewbacca took
it when he ate the cat food.
I think one of those weirdos
across the creek took it.
Dear Nigel,
since you refused to play
nice with us, I'm obliged
to return the favor.
See you B-holes later.
Claus.
Nigel, what happened?
Pack up, there's
been a development.
Nigel.
Nigel.
Nigel!
Where's our food?
Well it was
with the camera.
Nigel, our food
was in that bag!
We have nothing to eat,
and it's like a day and a
half to walk back
to civilization.
Well we can't afford
to stop now, Jamie.
Yeah, and if we get into
trouble, we can, you know,
call for help.
Call for help?
Call for help?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Maybe I'll call right now!
Hello, nobody?
Yeah, hey. Um,
We're in the
middle of nowhere.
Can you send help?
Nobody's on it. Nobody's...
Hey, hold on a second
nobody, I'm getting
another call.
Hello? Nobody? Hey.
Who is it?
It's "get a
freakin' clue!"
He wants to talk to you.
Yeah.
Hello?
You just need to relax.
Okay?
This is all part
of the adventure.
The adventure?
"Game of Thrones" on Sunday
is an adventure, okay.
"Nancy Drew" is
an adventure.
Coachella on ecstasy
is an adventure.
This is hell.
If we were to die and go
to hell, we would have no
idea 'cause it would look
exactly the same as this place!
Give her a break, boys.
It's shark week.
Maybe she just needs
something to eat.
I don't need to eat.
I need to go home!
I need a, f... Gah!
Ow.
If Samson and I head east,
we can still catch Claus.
Now, there's a ranger
station right there.
A minor detour will put
us on the doorstep, okay?
We'll give him your
coordinates and they'll
send someone
to extract you.
Jamie's not going
to like this.
She'll be fine.
Watching Nigel plan is
like watching a master
strategist plan a battle.
He's like Colonel Sanders.
Undefeatable.
What are our coordinates?
I don't know.
So, this is everything.
Should hold you guys
over until help arrives.
What are you going to eat?
That's Samson's job.
That's terrifying.
He once kept eight men
alive on dead cats and milk.
He said he resorted
to cannibalism.
With only a 30
percent loss.
30 percent of eight
is two and a half!
You're good.
We were only part way
through the corporal when
they found us.
Turns out the cannibalism
was premature.
How many people
have you eaten?
My share, plus
more than my share.
Enough.
Six.
And a half.
Sorry corporal.
We'll be fine.
I guess I was a little
worried at first about
being left all alone.
But then I started
thinking about that guy in
that movie "Grizzly Man."
He survived for months on
just berries and honey and
petting bears.
Did you see the
end of that movie?
Nope.
Doc Martens.
Swiss made.
How old?
12 hours.
Exactly?
12 hours eight minutes.
Can you really...
No.
But they're a few hours
ahead of us, and they're
wearing shoes.
Samson's a real man's man.
You know, he's one of
those meaty men who live
for for drinking and
fighting and installing joists.
He's kind of like that
part of me that comes out
when I'm in the backwoods.
When I cast off my
academic accoutrements and
expose raw, naked,
forest Nigel.
I feel like
there's.... ow.
I-I'll put it with
the rest of the wood.
There's just a real
mutual respect, I feel.
If it came to
it, I'd eat him.
Know what's weird about
being in a forest like this?
Nothing?
There's no phone.
No TV, no fax.
Someone could've shot the
vice president and we'd
have no idea.
You think they drop
leaflets from space if
that happened?
Yes.
I'm sure Perez Hilton
updates the national
forests on all
the happenings.
"Dear bears,
president's been shot."
What if everyone
on earth was dead?
Know what would happen?
Our species
would go extinct?
I'd have to sacrifice
one for the team and
- drop my pants...
- Nope, nope, nope.
Well what about
the human race?
Nope, nope,
nope. Nope we wouldn't.
I'm going to go
build a raft.
Good idea.
I'm not saying it might
be faster without you.
I'm saying there's no
question it'd be faster
without you.
You're garbage.
Samson, I was a little
slow off the mark...
You're garbage.
You're a sack of assholes.
Well, what's the point
of us splitting up?
You stay here, I go to the
ranger station, they find
the other two, then
we keep going on your
migration route.
Well, no, I'm not waiting
here if I'm not
doing anything.
I can still contribute.
W...
There must be
something I can do.
Find
us some dinner.
Rivers.
They are the natural
highways of the forest.
What we need for those
highways is a car.
That's what I'm making.
It's kind of
a backup plan.
Where does this creek go?
I don't know.
Don't care.
Here we go!
This is Sparta!
Hyah!
It works!
I'll go pack my things.
What, we'll
ditch the others!
Just you and me!
M'lady?
M'lady!
M'la-
Fleischmann's diagrams a
sort of improvised, uh,
weapon, where you just
load up a bunch of rocks
into your shoe, take a
simple piece of cord...
and just like that you've
got a pretty effective
makeshift weapon, okay?
Samson'll be ready to just
clean it, gut it, and...
I don't think I've had
chipmunk before, but it
can't be any worse than
what we had last night.
And now we wait.
Just, you gotta have a lot
of patience and see what
comes your way.
You know, I'm just
gonna do a practice run.
Oh, shoot.
So, I think, miracle of
miracles, I've finally
gotten through to Oscar.
I figure with my crutch...
Oscar, what are you doing?
I've gotta get a better
view of the landscape, try
and spot the best route.
W-We already know
the best route!
Oscar, damn it!
Oscar, this is ridiculous.
Tree's getting a little
skinny up here but I got it.
You're just wasting time.
Gym Kata!
I'm okay.
This does not look right.
So, after a little bit of
confusion, I think I've
gotten myself oriented and
with any luck, I'll catch
up with Samson by dusk.
But just in case, if I
don't, I do have this.
It's a Sasquatch
mating call.
And with any luck, Samson
hears it and comes back
for me.
There we go.
What was that?
Ah.
Oscar, Oscar?
Oscar, where
are you going?
Wait!
Shh.
Agh!
Oh...
Three, two, one.
Agh.
Sorry man.
Nigel, you have no food,
no guide, one shoe.
You get disoriented
by trees.
I'm not going.
No way.
I worked too
hard to get here.
I'm not leaving until I've
done what I came to do.
You're never going to
find Sasquatch because...
he doesn't exist!
You're the only person on
the planet that doesn't know...
I've seen him with
my own eyes, Jamie.
We both did.
I was eight years old.
I almost touched him.
Oscar, tell her.
Oscar.
It was dad.
It was dad in a suit.
He bought it for
a furry party.
He thought it'd be funny
if he ran around the
neighborhood in it.
- No.
- Dad...
No.
I was going to tell you,
but you were so excited.
I didn't want to take
that away from you.
You're my brother,
I love you so much.
- No, no.
- I wasn't going to take that...
That's not true.
You're...
I mean, you're
joking right?
I'm sorry.
Nigel...
There is no Sasquatch.
Nigel!
Gotta be freaking
kidding me.
Nigel!
Nigel!
Nigel?
Nigel!
Well, well, well.
Claus.
Hi Nigel.
Where's your friends?
Did they die
of mediocrity?
We got separated.
Separated, oh,
that's too bad.
What are you
doing here, Claus.
I thought you were
a day ahead of us.
Well, we were
on our way back.
This has proven to be
a wild goose chase.
There are no Sasquatch
in this area.
There's no
Sasquatch anywhere.
Hm.
Nigel, why don't you
come in and have a seat.
I'd like to
proposition you.
No actually, you should
walk the other way.
It's a shorter trip.
And also
there's two zippers,
you have to pull one...
I'll explain when you
get around to the back.
I want to be honest
with you Nigel.
I've been out here for a
little more than a week
and the brutal reality of
camp life is beginning to
wear me down.
I would love to leave
here, but I don't want to
leave defeated.
What are you
getting at, Claus?
A proposal.
A deal.
You scratch my back,
I scratch your back.
You know?
Listen, I have the
wherewithal to produce a
Sasquatch encounter.
- Very convincing.
- You want to cheat.
No.
I want to win.
And what do you want
me to do about it?
I want you to
vouch for me.
You see, in the Sasquatch
community, I'm sort of
known as...
well, let's just say that
any submission I put in
front of the committee
will be critical, they'll
be very critical of it.
But if it has your name
attached, they have to
consider it
very seriously.
I don't think so Claus.
I think so Nigel.
We could win the
Damien Hogel prize.
$500,000?
Just imagine what kind of
toys you could buy with that.
Make a decision
right now, Nigel.
Swear to me on your
mother's grave that...
My mother's still alive.
Okay, Sorry. Um....
Swear on your
grandmother's grave...
My grandmother's
alive too.
Jeez, you have a
really healthy family.
Listen, swear on this.
That's the Fleischmann's
Field Guide to
Backwoodsmanry,
second edition.
First edition.
Come on, you've got
nothing to lose.
Swear on it.
No.
You are making
a huge mistake.
Huge!
- Huge mistake!
- No.
You're the one
making a mistake.
I don't make any mistakes.
Name one thing that
I've done wrong.
One, putting up this
bubble tent in the summer.
It's like a
greenhouse in here.
Yeah, it is pretty hot.
Yeah, it's really hot.
Two, stealing my
migration data.
- Okay, that's two things.
- Yeah.
There's plenty of
other ones I could list
off if I wanted to.
I'm waiting.
Those two goons you hired.
They don't know what
they're doing and they
don't respect you.
How about that?
I hear them making fun of
you behind your back
all the time.
About what?
Wearing riding
pants and boots.
- It's silly.
- What's wrong with this?
If you had it to do all
over again, would you wear
these riding pants?
No, probably not.
That's a mistake
then, isn't it?
Okay, okay, I got it.
The mistakes are piling
up, aren't they.
Get out of here!
- I was going to.
- Good!
Goodbye.
Fine!
Which zipper is it?
It's the top one.
You pull it down...
n-not across, down.
Why are there
so many zippers?
That's the, it's the
future of housing!
Mark, Laura!
- What?
- Go after him!
Seriously?
Go after him.
Hey, where's your jackets?
Over there.
Put 'em on.
It's really weird you want
us to match all the time.
I worked really hard
on those jackets.
Put 'em on.
Put 'em on right now.
Hate him.
Nigel!
Oscar!
You've gotta be
freakin' kidding me.
Nigel?
Nigel!
Okay, alright.
Okay, let's just, let's
just, let's just take a break.
I, uh...
I'm not real big in
the whole, jog, uh...
I'm done.
I just feel
like a burger,
- like a burger...
- No, a beer.
And blend it together.
Ooh, a blended
burger and beer.
That's disgusting,
let's just.
That's awesome.
Now who's the smart one?
Batter up.
I can't find
Nigel anywhere.
Follow me, Oscar.
Move over.
I got dibs on next game.
He's good.
He looks smart,
are you smart?
Hey wait, do you guys know
where the manager's office is?
Don't bother them, 'cause
they're on a family picnic.
Can you pass the iced tea?
Yeah.
Pfft, disgusting you...
That's unsweetened!
How can they make
unsweetened tea up here?
They're rude, I know.
So this is our
ranger's station.
We'll have a search
started within the hour
but it's not looking good
in finding him out there.
Nigel!
Nigel, are you okay?
- Hey, are you alright?
- Nigel!
The camera, where'd
you find it?
I didn't.
Nigel, what
happened to you.
I dunno, I ran into Claus
and then his goons tried to
kill me, and then I fell.
They tried to kill you?
Well, they yelled at me.
How did you get here?
Nigel, are you
still mad at me?
Nigel?
Nigel, I'm sorry.
Nigel, I'm sorry!
So, the ranger said it's
about ten minutes from
where we left the car.
He said he'll give us a
ride, but Nigel won't get
in the truck.
Because God hates me.
Nigel.
What do you want?
You know, just because it
was dad in a wookiee suit
doesn't mean the
Sasquatch doesn't exist.
Oscar, don't
you understand?
That was the only
evidence I had.
I mean, what
else is there.
A few footprints
and some hair?
That could be
from anything.
What about your research?
My research is meaningless!
Damien Hogel is meaningless.
And do you want to know
what the worst part is?
It's that you were
the one who knew.
All these years, all these
skeptics, all the people
who made fun of me,
none of it mattered
because I knew there was one
person who believed in me.
But it turns out my
brother knew I was an iditot.
Nigel...
Just go.
Just tell Jamie your
pathetic brother will walk home.
Do you remember when I
made that Mr. T out of
macaroni and the bullies
from AV Club smashed it?
Yeah, I remember.
Do you know what that
project was about?
I don't know, Oscar.
You did so many
macaroni projects.
It was about the
person I admired most.
I guess it was supposed to
be an essay, but I loved
working in macaroni.
It was a good Mr. T.
I only said it was Mr.
T because everyone was
laughing at it.
I was too embarrassed to tell
them it was supposed to be you.
You made me out
of macaroni?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Nigel, you may be my
younger brother, but I
really look up to you.
It doesn't matter to
me if Sasquatch exists.
I just want to
hang out with you.
You're my macaroni
hero, Nigel.
You always have been.
Thanks buddy.
Well.
I guess we
should get going.
Okay.
What about Samson?
Samson will be fine.
He's Samson.
At least we got
some good photos.
Yeah.
Hey Nigel, look at this.
Holy Damien Hogel!
Oh, hey, you
guys ready to go?
Jamie, you've
gotta see this.
How do I look?
Lookin' sharp, buddy.
You've got a throat
lozenge in your hair.
I'll save it for later.
You're money.
I don't know.
Do I think I
believe in it? I...
I'm willing to entertain
the possibility at this point.
I guess it was a learning
experience in the way that
"Lord of the Flies" was
a learning experience.
But at least those kids
got to kill Piggy in the end.
Mr. Norman, you said you
have irrefutable proof of
the Sasquatch's existence.
This is irrefutable.
What is that?
Is that a toothbrush?
It's Nigel's.
My toothbrush is orange.
That's yours.
Well, not that we really
care to know, but can
you perhaps tell us where
that toothbrush was?
I'll tell you right now.
Don't.
- No, I will.
- No.
Go ahead.
Even though it isn't
germane to this
investigation, you know
darn well that that
toothbrush went up
the Sasquatch's butt.
Gentlemen, unless you have
something more substantial
than this to show us,
we're going to have to
call this meeting
to a close, I think.
This whole
thing is a joke.
Good day.
We didn't take them.
The Sasquatch did.
You big...
dummy.
Do I see this
as a defeat?
No, no.
Far from it.
Yes, I was unable
to turn Nigel.
Yes, my assistants
have abandoned me.
They think that leaving me
alone here in the woods to
my own devices is some
form of punishment.
What they don't understand
is that with a few
rudimentary supplies,
I could stay out here forever.
There are few places that
I feel more at ease than
in the forest by myself.
What the was that?
I need to get
some new insoles.
Remind me.
I guess some people will
be skeptics no matter what
you show them.
It doesn't really matter
what a bunch of judges think.
We know what we saw
out there was real.
We've proven to ourself
that the Sasquatch exists.
That's all that counts.
I don't feel the need to
go back to the forest.
I think that we got what
we went there to get.
The most important thing
we took away from this
whole experience is
personal growth.
We changed as people.
We learned.
Maybe that's what Damien
Hogel wanted all along.
Nice job, buddy.
Thank you.
Maybe try one with
the lens cap off.
Science.
Son of a...
I'd love to tell you about
the diaper incident, but
it's classified.
What did he say?
Uh, Oscar wore diapers
well into his teens.
He didn't need to, and he
didn't use them the way
diapers are used.
He just liked
the feel of it.
So...
He was potty trained at a
reasonably typical age,
but he chose, maybe partly
just for fashion, um, to stick
with that diaper look.
And he got plenty of
razzing, you know, but,
no one's gonna, no one's
gonna change Oscar.
And that's the great
thing about Oscar.
He's a fat liar!
Yeah, well Nigel doesn't
have a good memory.
He has a great memory.
And I was 12.
He's going after rabbits.
Them rabbits are cute.
Science!
A lot of people have made
the Sasquatch into a joke.
It's not a joke.
It's a living,
breathing humanoid.
Of course, there are
hundreds of theories as to
who or what the
Sasquatch is.
Some say he's a...
some say it is an
inter-dimensional being or
alien, thus explaining why no
Sasquatch body has been found.
Others like Jeffrey
Meldrum believe it to be a
missing link between
humans and other primates,
which works, but then
again, why has no body
ever been found anywhere
in nature, dead or alive?
But because no definitive,
100-percent conclusive
proof of its existence has
ever been produced,
it hasn't been afforded the
same respect as other
scientific disciplines.
But that's going
to change today.
The Damien Hogel Prize
is like an Academy Award
times a Nobel Prize plus
blowing up the Death Star,
all rolled into one.
That's what made Damien
Hogel a household name.
Now, the Hogel foundation
says they're going to
discontinue it
next year...
Nigel!
Oh.
Apparently the family
thinks they have a better
use for the money,
so this expedition...
is pretty much our last shot.
Yes!
Checkpoint.
My brother
Oscar is an indispensable
part of the project.
Now, he may not be
academically inclined, but
he's got street smarts.
I guess you could say
Nigel's kind of a hero to me.
He's like Lance Armstrong,
the first man on the moon.
Everyone said he was crazy
and that he couldn't go to
the moon.
And then he
did it anyways.
You mean Neil Armstrong.
Yeah, and I'm like
his Buzz Lightyear.
Buzz Aldrin.
Who?
Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz Lightyear was
a doll in Toy Story.
I like dolls.
Says here Sasquatch is
number one predator of the
Draconians. What's a Draconian?
That's, um, lizard people.
Let me see.
Every good expedition
begins with research.
Hey Nigel.
Hey Ted.
What are you guys doing?
We're just doing
some research.
We're going on an
expedition to find
Sasquatch, no big deal.
Cool, cool.
Hey look, my manager is...
hasn't quite
gotten past the whole
Oscar diaper scenario.
Sorry.
We tried getting funding
for this trip for a long
time, but we kept getting
denied until I realized
grant applications aren't
so much about ideas as
they are about wording.
Try "Alabama
Mountain Gorilla."
And penmanship.
That's two Ls.
And presto!
Ten thousand dollars.
Once we got the money, our
a camper.
Is it on?
No.
Alright, say "whiskey."
Whiskey!
Alright, do
whatever you want. Freestyle.
We've gathered
a bunch of...
We've gathered a bunch of
specialty camping gear for
our trip.
Compass.
Multi-channel walkie-talkies.
Beep-beep!
This is an altimeter
with laser pointer.
Clif Bar.
Krazy Glue.
And emergency glow
sticks, just in case.
You just break 'em
right in the middle.
Well, it's not an
emergency, so...
We're ready to go.
This came off again.
Ow!
Hey, close the back, I
gotta get all this stuff.
Do you have the keys?
That's...
that's what I've
been saying.
Most of the work that's
been done so far has been
office based, so, I mean...
it's just pretty exciting
to get out into the field,
kind of get out of the
ivory tower, if you will.
I mean, I know it's
going to be hard.
I'm not under any
illusions about that, but
you don't have to have
been to the woods in order
to understand the woods.
Can we find a bathroom?
I really have to go.
Yeah, I... yeah, next stop.
Does 'Squatch
get a book deal?
Of course!
If Sasquatch were to fight
a bobcat with rabies...
Tear it apart.
He'd tear it apart.
He's five times the
size of a bobcat.
Sasquatch versus the
Abominable Snowman?
There's no prize in here.
Maybe you ate it?
Oscar and I make a
pretty good team.
We bring to the table
different kinds of knowledge.
Ha ha ha ha!
Looks like the
radiator's leaking.
Are you sure?
- Mm.
- What about this hose?
Is that performing
its function?
Does it go there?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Ow, God!
Ow, God!
I don't think that's
an issue at all.
I think it's a question of
"will he win" if he runs
- for president.
- That's a good point too.
Oscar, let's just think...
let's think things through
before we say sentences.
- Mhmm.
- 'Cause he doesn't have a phone.
- You know that.
- You're saying that!
You're saying he
doesn't have a phone.
He's in a forest!
You're saying just because
he's in a forest he
doesn't know martial arts?
Nigel, I think long term.
Y-You look short term.
Okay?
We're gonna find the 'Squatch,
- I'm just saying, y'know...
- Oscar, Oscar...
In two to four years,
where do you see yourself?
Oscar, honestly, if I
actually find a Sasquatch,
I don't have to do
anything for the rest of
my life if I
don't want to.
And here it is,
that's Dogwood.
It's a small town in
geographic terms, but
nowhere has had so many
Sasquatch sightings in all
the Appalachians.
This is where we
start the expedition.
Your turn's coming up.
You missed it.
I missed it.
Let's uh, turn
around up here.
Shoot.
Chess!
The game of
kings and sages. Heh...
Uh, are you Chuck?
No.
A-are you Chuck?
Nope.
Uh, we're here
to meet Chuck.
Uh, one of his guides is
going to take us...
Why'd you park over there?
Um, it's...
just for shade.
Yeah, okay.
Um, do you know where
we could find Chuck?
Hey, look who's here.
Jamie!
Uh, Jamie's my buddy
Todd's sister.
Um, and, me and Todd go
way back, 'til, like we
were little kids,
we've been friends.
- Fireball!
- You missed!
- I hit you!
- No you didn't, it missed!
I just hit you
with that fireball.
No, you always say that! Ugh.
Um, sadly Todd died last
year in a jousting accident.
For Waveland!
Anyway, um...
Uh, Jamie's Todd's sister
and we have this kind of
running joke where we
pretend not to like one another.
It's pretty funny.
I say that because
I don't like them.
What are you doing here?
Hi J-Jamie.
I'm working for
dad this summer.
I thought you were
going to Paris.
Mom couldn't afford it,
dad's being dad, said
America's got everything I
need, so I'm spending my
summer in Deliverance.
Hey, we saw that movie.
- Mhmm.
- It was good.
Gonna make
you squeal like a piggy, boy.
Squeal piggy! Squeal!
Who you found
there, Jamie?
Dad, these were Todd's
friends Nigel...
and his brother Something.
Nigel.
You were supposed to
be here two hours ago.
- We missed the turnoff.
- Twice.
There was a
lot of traffic.
Well, I let the guy go
with another group, I
thought y'all
weren't coming.
Can we use one of
your other guys?
I don't work here.
I don't work here either.
Is there anyone
else available?
Well, y'all come on
the long weekend.
Every guide in town's
already booked.
Not Samson.
No, not Samson.
Hello there.
You must be Samson.
Nope.
Uh, we're looking for a
guide to take us up the valley.
You huntin' the Sasquatch?
Yes.
I met the 'Squatch once.
That's good.
Um, so...
you know your way
around the forest?
I know a thing or two.
That'll have
been your car.
No problem.
You're gonna need a fourth
to carry your gear.
What about those
guys at the trailer?
They seem nice.
Feh!
Those two ain't
right in the head.
What's your problem?
What's up with fatty?
I was really happy
to find Samson.
He knows the area well
obviously, and he's
ex-military, which is
just an added bonus.
He left when he was
"Section 8," which I
believe is a
pretty high level.
They have a, uh, ceramic
elephant with boxing gloves.
- Did you get it?
- Do you want to go halves?
He says we need a fourth.
Sorry son, bum leg.
Bad back.
No.
No, n-
Everything's
falling into place.
Uh, Samson agreed to guide
us, and Jamie is probably
going to come along and
help out with gear.
She's just working out the
details with her dad right now.
You can't do this with me!
You said I didn't have
to do any guiding.
Well just think of it as a
camping trip with your friends.
My friends?
Well, your brother's
friends then.
He'd love for you to spend
more time with them.
Todd was an idiot.
I hate camping.
I would rather watch
Kristen Stewart movies on
repeat, and there's
nothing you can do to
change that!
Well maybe you'd like to
pay your own tuition next year.
Did you pack the
coconut Luna bars?
And the peanut butter.
Dah!
So, after a few wrong
turns, we've made it to
the trail head.
We're going to be here for
a few days, so we kind of
packed a lot.
Is this yours?
Yeah, do you want
me to carry it?
Samson brought some extra
gear too to help with the
cooking...
and stuff.
You've got to
be kidding me.
Hello Oscar.
Nigel.
Hello Claus.
So it's going
to be like that?
Claus used to be Nigel's
best friend and mentor...
'til he stole his
migration data.
Of course I'm talking
about the Tallahassee
Skunk Ape, which is one of
the first times that I was
able to see a Sasquatch.
This is the, uh,
reimagining of the picture that
I took. It was
a pretty amazing time.
This is with myself. This is my painting.
It's unbelievable, the animal...
That's my migration
data, Claus!
You're ripping me off!
Get him outta here!
This is such a stupid garbage class!
That's pretty much the
worst thing to happen to
anybody ever.
Now they're mortal
enemies, like Samuel
"Screech" Powers
and Zach Morris.
Argh.
Claus!
Who are the goons?
You don't know the meaning
of the word "goons."
Oh, I know goons, and I know
those are a couple of goons.
Those "goons" are
my assistants.
- Laura...
- Lana.
- And Mark.
- Chris.
Do not shake
hands with them.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Jamie.
- Hey!
- I'm single.
Why aren't you guys
wearing your outfitted
uniform tops?
Claus, do we really have to wear
the stupid matching...
Yeah.
Change.
Change in front of me.
Slower.
See, they take orders
just like two good goons.
- I mean assistants.
- Claus!
You're only here
because of my data.
Maybe you should take your
crew and go somewhere else.
I'm sorry, Nigel?
Is this your forest?
No.
It's the government's!
I can't believe this.
Things were going so well
until Claus showed up.
There's not a forest in
the world big enough for
the both of us.
That's a tad dramatic.
I can't believe I used
to call him my mentor.
There is no one in the
world more different from me.
So, only one of you guys
is supposed to find Chewbacca?
You know it's
not Chewbacca.
And why are you
talking to him?
This is your last
chance, Nigel.
We're both after
the same thing.
I'm willing to team up
with you if you are.
That's a good idea.
Absolutely out
of the question.
Alright, suit yourself.
See you later, losers.
Now what do we do?
We find the
Sasquatch first.
...a couple years ago.
I just kind of fell
into collecting 'em.
Something that I didn't
really plan or anything.
Do you collect?
Your idea of a stuffed
animal is a little
different than mine.
Yeah, I put mine in
the back of my car, I
sometimes I'll sleep with
a couple of them, but I, I
get a little...
Nigel, come on.
It's really steep.
I got it, just go ahead.
It is a lot farther than
I thought it was going to be.
But we've been
doing some training
It was really more
strength than endurance.
You eating those berries?
Don't.
Ho!
Hm.
Nothing.
Here, smell that.
Keep smelling it.
Is that a baby?
No. It's a rock.
It's a little frustrating
how slowly we're going.
I'd been hoping to get there
in one day, but
what can you do?
I mean, you have the
people you have.
I think I'm
going to vomit.
We can stop here
for the night.
Here, let me help you.
What are you doing?
By moving the tent closer
to the tree, you can make
use of its branches as
shelter from the elements.
There's roots there.
If I move my tent there
I'll have to sleep on roots.
Mhmm, mhmm.
Mild discomfort in
exchange for shelter from
the rain.
My fly sheet will shelter
me from the rain.
Yes.
I'm not certain
where Nigel learned to camp.
Fleischmann's Field Guide To
Backwoodsmanry, Second Edition.
Everything you need to
know about the art of
woodland survival.
Who the is
Dick Fleissman?
Well, we finished day one and
we're all still in one piece.
The hiking was
harder than expected.
It's made us rethink
some logistical issues.
For example, how are we
going to get a 300-pound
animal through ten
miles of forest?
That's going to be a
challenge, you know, but
it's not insurmountable.
We could use a
Sasquatch cannon.
Or maybe we could summon
an imaginary pegasus to
help haul it
over the rainbow.
That is if we catch it
and it grants us wishes.
Just don't stare
right at it, okay?
Okay.
The food Samson
makes is real hearty.
Like something you'd find
in a Marlboro commercial.
What is this?
Soup.
Is there meat in it?
Yep.
What kind of meat?
- Possum.
- Wow.
Samson, I told you
I was a vegetarian.
Tell you what.
Why don't you pick
the pieces out.
When we get back,
bring them to a vet,
see what they can do.
Ugh!
Grandma's secret recipe.
I know a secret recipe
for Rice Krispie bars.
Do tell.
What I'm saying is if you
don't want to share a tent
with him, that's okay.
You could sleep in that
tent with Oscar and I'll
stick with Samson.
I'm good.
When I was six and Oscar
was eight, we saw the
Sasquatch.
It was Saturday morning,
about a week before
Halloween, I was awoken
by a noise outside.
First, I thought it was a
bear, but then I saw that
it was walking on two legs
and using its forelimbs to
gather food.
I suddenly realized what
we were looking at.
It was the most magical
experience of my life.
Nobody believed us, of
course, but I swore that
day I would get proof.
And here we are.
Okay guys, time
to roll out.
You get that pack
on, then I'll get up.
Okay.
It's perfect.
Alright, we'll
set up camp here.
So, this is the
Dogwood region.
There have been sightings
here every year for the
past 80 years.
- It's upside down.
- I've plotted...
I've plotted the most
plausible sightings here
on this map.
As you can see, there
appears to be no real
pattern or distribution
to them at all.
They're all over the
place, and that has been
the assumption of
Sasquatch researchers for
decades.
That Sasquatch
forage randomly.
But, look what happens
when you code the
sightings by season.
A pattern emerges.
Eastern Highlands in the
Summer, Western Lowlands
in the Winter.
Every Spring, topography
dictates that they pass
through this point on
their way from one feeding
ground to the other.
That's where we
are right now.
I don't see it.
What about the ones that
are east in the Winter and
west in the Summer.
Those are what we call
"statistical outliers."
Every study has them.
But they just need to be
eliminated in order for
the truth to reveal
itself, there.
Science.
There was a confirmed
track find about 100
kilometers west of
here two weeks ago.
That should put a
Sasquatch through this
area in the next
couple of days.
But we're not just
going to get a photo.
Nuh-uh.
We're going to capture one
live, and we're going to
use the oldest trick bait.
What's in it?
What's in what?
The bait. What's in it?
That's not
important right now.
It's cat food
and blueberries.
It's a lot more complex.
You said it was cat
food and blueberries.
But there's
also some salt.
Science.
Yeah.
The bait is attached to a
line that leads up to a
release mechanism
up there.
When the target tugs on
the can, the line rings a
bell, okay?
At that point, the
mechanism releases a net,
and boom goes
the dynamite.
Woo!
Kablammo.
Let's try one out.
Oscar, you ready?
In this simulation, Oscar
will play the role of
Sasquatch.
We'll watch from the
observation station we set
up here.
And this will screen
us from our quarry.
It doesn't look
like camouflage.
Well, it only has to fool
the casual observer.
Did your mom make it?
Yeah, she's the only one
who knows how to sew.
Why's there a deer on it?
Okay, let's save
questions for later.
Let's just get into
position guys.
And start simulation.
Less sneaky, Oscar.
How do I go then?
Just walk.
No, Oscar.
The Sasquatch
doesn't have pockets.
Well I
really don't know what to
do with my
hands right now.
Brother, just walk
like a Sasquatch, okay?
No, just...
Actually that's
pretty good.
Mmm, tasty!
Ew.
Is he eating it?
Mmm, real good.
And pull on the line!
Ahh, ahh!
And voila, Sasqwatch
is immobilized.
Okay, thanks Oscar.
- That's good.
- Am I done?
You're done.
He doesn't look immobilized.
Well spotted.
That is where
this comes in.
You're gonna
shoot Bigfoot?
We're going to
tranquilize Sasquatch.
You can hit it
from that distance?
- No...
- I'm good!
But I'm willing
to bet Samson can.
Samson, how's your aim?
I could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.
You hear that?
He could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.
Agh!
See that, moon cats?
You're next.
That was pretty
good actually.
Yup.
Oscar, come in.
He might be down a while.
L-let me
get this straight.
So, I just hiked for an
hour and a half, and then
drove fifty minutes round
trip to get this, and now
you don't want it.
I'm saying I want
what I asked for.
This is
what you asked for.
I asked for a newspaper.
That's the West L.A. Times.
Kind of splitting hairs.
Do I need to remind you
how much money I'm paying you?
Mm, nope, you don't
have to do it.
Alright, unbelieveable.
Oh, and can you get some
mara-chino cherries.
Maraschinos. Maraschinos.
Leading an expedition is
really about knowing how
to manage people.
Which is why I think
Nigel's cause is a lost one.
Nigel Norman's
Wild Adventures, brought
to you by The Damien
Hogel Foundation.
Sure you don't
want any face camo?
You're going to stick
out like a sore thumb.
I'm good.
Oscar!
What is it?
Nothing. Just...
How's it going.
Good. Good.
How are you?
Dad made it pretty clear
that if I quit the
expedition, he wouldn't
pay for my school, so...
Ten a.m., breakfast complete.
Trees one through eight
remain stationary?
Suspected donkey
appears to be a log.
Observation continues.
That's good work.
Nigel, this is pointless!
There's nothing
to observe.
Writing in a book
doesn't help anybody.
This is a scientific exercise!
We need to make observations.
Oh, wait, I just
thought of one.
I thought that
was pretty clear.
Jamie's admittedly taken a
little while to get into
it, but with a little
guidance, she's going to
be as enthusiastic
as the rest of us.
"You are a penis."
- That's an observation.
- Let me see.
It's not even on
the right day.
So, I'm not saying this is
the worst experience of my
life, but it's
pretty shitty.
No, this is probably the
worst experience of my
life.
Shoot.
Jaaaa-mie.
Hello Oscar.
What's up, what you doing?
Just meditating.
What are you
meditating about?
Nothing, I'm just trying to
clear my mind of bad thoughts.
Come on, you must be
thinking of something.
No, I'm not.
Just trying to be zen.
Oh, you're zen baby.
Yeah.
You're freaking zen.
Yeah.
A woman like Jamie?
Slow...
To warm up.
But there are ways to
grab her attention.
One of those ways?
Is banter.
...colder on top of a
mountain, you know, when
it's closer to the sun?
That's because the sun
is made of hydrogen and
- helium and...
- Go away O...
It's just a
matter of time.
And make sure you log in
that plastic bag we saw.
That's right, thanks.
We're just packing
up the station now.
Then it's back to camp for
dinner and tales around
the camp fire.
Nigel!
Say "shrimp toast."
Shrimp toast?
You must have a tale or two
about your time in the marines.
Not really.
I ate a man once.
You ate a man?
Part of him.
I don't exactly regret the
choice, but I'm not proud of it.
Where do you start if
you're gonna eat a man?
A dead man's on a
plate in front of you.
Where do you start?
Start with the face?
That has emotions.
What if those
emotions go into you?
There's a chest.
That's his
digestive system.
Do you want to digest all
the horror he swallowed in
his life?
You start with his feet,
do you go where he went?
Probably not.
So I ate three toes.
Were you marooned?
No.
I wasn't marooned, I was
in a military hospital.
Some guy in the morgue
dared me to eat a dead guy.
What was I supposed to do?
Made me five bucks.
Look at it that way.
Dollar sixty-seven
per toe.
Arithmetic.
Thank you for your
service, sir.
Yep.
Have you seen anything?
Uh, I had this one little
squirrel chasing another
squirrel, but I think he got
him earlier, which was pretty...
Have you seen like an
eight-foot Sasquatch?
Not today.
Well look harder!
- Yes sir.
- You got it.
Well, to suggest that I'm
not disappointed with our
results to date would be a
misrepresentation of the facts.
I'm actually very disappointed.
But I'm confident
in my leadership.
With my team,
we will triumph.
Oh yeah, we will triumph.
Can I borrow that?
Uh, sure.
Aw, the bait can is empty.
Sure looks like it.
Man, that squirrel has
bested us again.
He's a real so-and-so.
I'll go refill it.
Nigel, how much longer
are we going to do this?
It's been three days.
Just have to be
patient, Jamie.
He's playing with us.
Nigel, he's not
playing with us.
He's not coming.
Samson, will you
back me up here?
She's right.
You're not going to
catch the 'Squatch.
Thank you.
He's too smart.
He's too smart?
I heard something going
through my garbage one night.
I assumed it was a bear.
Grabbed a tire
iron, scare him off.
I come 'round the corner
say "get out of my garbage."
It wasn't no bear.
It was a Sasquatch.
He raised a big paw,
doosh, right in the jaw.
Knocked me out cold.
So, you want to stuff and
mount Sasquatch because he
punched you in the face?
I want to stuff and
mount the Sasquatch...
because he pantsed me.
The, the Sasquatch
pantsed you?
When I woke up, my jaw was
swollen and my pants and
my drawers were down
around my ankles.
I'd been laying there in
the all-together, unable
to hide my shame.
No, that was no misunderstanding.
But, that story is
not yet fully told.
See that?
That's the tale of Samson
and the Sasquatch.
Only the last few
frames are missing.
That part of the story
has yet to be told,
but it will be.
It will be.
Samson's revenge.
I will have my moment!
Do you want to
trade tents?
Nope.
Claus!
- Lana, Chris.
- Welcome.
What a surprise, Nigel!
I didn't know
you were here.
Bull crap you didn't know.
What are you
doing here Claus?
Well the area downstream
proved to be not to my
liking, so I decided to
move our observation point here.
Mhmm, where my projections
put the migration route.
Really?
Well, you know what, it's
a free forest Nigel If you
don't like it, why
don't you move?
Why don't you move to the
garbage dump, because you
know what?
You're a piece of junk.
Or better yet, take your
dumb spaceship tent and
move to outer space.
Don't you dare insult
my spaceship tent.
Nigel!
Whoa, that's awesome!
I found tracks.
Hey Claus.
Mark!
That's Chris.
Whatever!
Follow them!
Alright.
Must've slipped past
us during the night.
Samson, how old do
you think it is?
About twelve hours.
Damn.
We have to hatch
a new plan.
Maybe we should
team up with Claus.
I'd rather kiss Cthulhu.
He's a bad guy.
Nigel, this is crazy.
We're running low on food,
we're out of toilet paper,
we haven't had
showers in three days.
We should be heading home, not
going further into the woods.
Jamie, I came here to do
one thing, and it wasn't
"not capture a Sasquatch."
This is our last chance
to win the Damien Hogel, okay?
I'm not going to be
stopped by...
"not enough toilet paper."
Samson, are you seriously
going along with this?
Yep, I got paid up front.
He can do whatever
he wants, far as I'm concerned.
And what about
the rest of us?
Hm.
Allow me to draw
you a diagram.
This...
is a flea's butt hole.
And this is how much
I care if you die.
You think
a lot about butts.
So they say.
Has anyone seen my camera?
It was right
here with my bag.
Yeah, maybe Chewbacca took
it when he ate the cat food.
I think one of those weirdos
across the creek took it.
Dear Nigel,
since you refused to play
nice with us, I'm obliged
to return the favor.
See you B-holes later.
Claus.
Nigel, what happened?
Pack up, there's
been a development.
Nigel.
Nigel.
Nigel!
Where's our food?
Well it was
with the camera.
Nigel, our food
was in that bag!
We have nothing to eat,
and it's like a day and a
half to walk back
to civilization.
Well we can't afford
to stop now, Jamie.
Yeah, and if we get into
trouble, we can, you know,
call for help.
Call for help?
Call for help?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Maybe I'll call right now!
Hello, nobody?
Yeah, hey. Um,
We're in the
middle of nowhere.
Can you send help?
Nobody's on it. Nobody's...
Hey, hold on a second
nobody, I'm getting
another call.
Hello? Nobody? Hey.
Who is it?
It's "get a
freakin' clue!"
He wants to talk to you.
Yeah.
Hello?
You just need to relax.
Okay?
This is all part
of the adventure.
The adventure?
"Game of Thrones" on Sunday
is an adventure, okay.
"Nancy Drew" is
an adventure.
Coachella on ecstasy
is an adventure.
This is hell.
If we were to die and go
to hell, we would have no
idea 'cause it would look
exactly the same as this place!
Give her a break, boys.
It's shark week.
Maybe she just needs
something to eat.
I don't need to eat.
I need to go home!
I need a, f... Gah!
Ow.
If Samson and I head east,
we can still catch Claus.
Now, there's a ranger
station right there.
A minor detour will put
us on the doorstep, okay?
We'll give him your
coordinates and they'll
send someone
to extract you.
Jamie's not going
to like this.
She'll be fine.
Watching Nigel plan is
like watching a master
strategist plan a battle.
He's like Colonel Sanders.
Undefeatable.
What are our coordinates?
I don't know.
So, this is everything.
Should hold you guys
over until help arrives.
What are you going to eat?
That's Samson's job.
That's terrifying.
He once kept eight men
alive on dead cats and milk.
He said he resorted
to cannibalism.
With only a 30
percent loss.
30 percent of eight
is two and a half!
You're good.
We were only part way
through the corporal when
they found us.
Turns out the cannibalism
was premature.
How many people
have you eaten?
My share, plus
more than my share.
Enough.
Six.
And a half.
Sorry corporal.
We'll be fine.
I guess I was a little
worried at first about
being left all alone.
But then I started
thinking about that guy in
that movie "Grizzly Man."
He survived for months on
just berries and honey and
petting bears.
Did you see the
end of that movie?
Nope.
Doc Martens.
Swiss made.
How old?
12 hours.
Exactly?
12 hours eight minutes.
Can you really...
No.
But they're a few hours
ahead of us, and they're
wearing shoes.
Samson's a real man's man.
You know, he's one of
those meaty men who live
for for drinking and
fighting and installing joists.
He's kind of like that
part of me that comes out
when I'm in the backwoods.
When I cast off my
academic accoutrements and
expose raw, naked,
forest Nigel.
I feel like
there's.... ow.
I-I'll put it with
the rest of the wood.
There's just a real
mutual respect, I feel.
If it came to
it, I'd eat him.
Know what's weird about
being in a forest like this?
Nothing?
There's no phone.
No TV, no fax.
Someone could've shot the
vice president and we'd
have no idea.
You think they drop
leaflets from space if
that happened?
Yes.
I'm sure Perez Hilton
updates the national
forests on all
the happenings.
"Dear bears,
president's been shot."
What if everyone
on earth was dead?
Know what would happen?
Our species
would go extinct?
I'd have to sacrifice
one for the team and
- drop my pants...
- Nope, nope, nope.
Well what about
the human race?
Nope, nope,
nope. Nope we wouldn't.
I'm going to go
build a raft.
Good idea.
I'm not saying it might
be faster without you.
I'm saying there's no
question it'd be faster
without you.
You're garbage.
Samson, I was a little
slow off the mark...
You're garbage.
You're a sack of assholes.
Well, what's the point
of us splitting up?
You stay here, I go to the
ranger station, they find
the other two, then
we keep going on your
migration route.
Well, no, I'm not waiting
here if I'm not
doing anything.
I can still contribute.
W...
There must be
something I can do.
Find
us some dinner.
Rivers.
They are the natural
highways of the forest.
What we need for those
highways is a car.
That's what I'm making.
It's kind of
a backup plan.
Where does this creek go?
I don't know.
Don't care.
Here we go!
This is Sparta!
Hyah!
It works!
I'll go pack my things.
What, we'll
ditch the others!
Just you and me!
M'lady?
M'lady!
M'la-
Fleischmann's diagrams a
sort of improvised, uh,
weapon, where you just
load up a bunch of rocks
into your shoe, take a
simple piece of cord...
and just like that you've
got a pretty effective
makeshift weapon, okay?
Samson'll be ready to just
clean it, gut it, and...
I don't think I've had
chipmunk before, but it
can't be any worse than
what we had last night.
And now we wait.
Just, you gotta have a lot
of patience and see what
comes your way.
You know, I'm just
gonna do a practice run.
Oh, shoot.
So, I think, miracle of
miracles, I've finally
gotten through to Oscar.
I figure with my crutch...
Oscar, what are you doing?
I've gotta get a better
view of the landscape, try
and spot the best route.
W-We already know
the best route!
Oscar, damn it!
Oscar, this is ridiculous.
Tree's getting a little
skinny up here but I got it.
You're just wasting time.
Gym Kata!
I'm okay.
This does not look right.
So, after a little bit of
confusion, I think I've
gotten myself oriented and
with any luck, I'll catch
up with Samson by dusk.
But just in case, if I
don't, I do have this.
It's a Sasquatch
mating call.
And with any luck, Samson
hears it and comes back
for me.
There we go.
What was that?
Ah.
Oscar, Oscar?
Oscar, where
are you going?
Wait!
Shh.
Agh!
Oh...
Three, two, one.
Agh.
Sorry man.
Nigel, you have no food,
no guide, one shoe.
You get disoriented
by trees.
I'm not going.
No way.
I worked too
hard to get here.
I'm not leaving until I've
done what I came to do.
You're never going to
find Sasquatch because...
he doesn't exist!
You're the only person on
the planet that doesn't know...
I've seen him with
my own eyes, Jamie.
We both did.
I was eight years old.
I almost touched him.
Oscar, tell her.
Oscar.
It was dad.
It was dad in a suit.
He bought it for
a furry party.
He thought it'd be funny
if he ran around the
neighborhood in it.
- No.
- Dad...
No.
I was going to tell you,
but you were so excited.
I didn't want to take
that away from you.
You're my brother,
I love you so much.
- No, no.
- I wasn't going to take that...
That's not true.
You're...
I mean, you're
joking right?
I'm sorry.
Nigel...
There is no Sasquatch.
Nigel!
Gotta be freaking
kidding me.
Nigel!
Nigel!
Nigel?
Nigel!
Well, well, well.
Claus.
Hi Nigel.
Where's your friends?
Did they die
of mediocrity?
We got separated.
Separated, oh,
that's too bad.
What are you
doing here, Claus.
I thought you were
a day ahead of us.
Well, we were
on our way back.
This has proven to be
a wild goose chase.
There are no Sasquatch
in this area.
There's no
Sasquatch anywhere.
Hm.
Nigel, why don't you
come in and have a seat.
I'd like to
proposition you.
No actually, you should
walk the other way.
It's a shorter trip.
And also
there's two zippers,
you have to pull one...
I'll explain when you
get around to the back.
I want to be honest
with you Nigel.
I've been out here for a
little more than a week
and the brutal reality of
camp life is beginning to
wear me down.
I would love to leave
here, but I don't want to
leave defeated.
What are you
getting at, Claus?
A proposal.
A deal.
You scratch my back,
I scratch your back.
You know?
Listen, I have the
wherewithal to produce a
Sasquatch encounter.
- Very convincing.
- You want to cheat.
No.
I want to win.
And what do you want
me to do about it?
I want you to
vouch for me.
You see, in the Sasquatch
community, I'm sort of
known as...
well, let's just say that
any submission I put in
front of the committee
will be critical, they'll
be very critical of it.
But if it has your name
attached, they have to
consider it
very seriously.
I don't think so Claus.
I think so Nigel.
We could win the
Damien Hogel prize.
$500,000?
Just imagine what kind of
toys you could buy with that.
Make a decision
right now, Nigel.
Swear to me on your
mother's grave that...
My mother's still alive.
Okay, Sorry. Um....
Swear on your
grandmother's grave...
My grandmother's
alive too.
Jeez, you have a
really healthy family.
Listen, swear on this.
That's the Fleischmann's
Field Guide to
Backwoodsmanry,
second edition.
First edition.
Come on, you've got
nothing to lose.
Swear on it.
No.
You are making
a huge mistake.
Huge!
- Huge mistake!
- No.
You're the one
making a mistake.
I don't make any mistakes.
Name one thing that
I've done wrong.
One, putting up this
bubble tent in the summer.
It's like a
greenhouse in here.
Yeah, it is pretty hot.
Yeah, it's really hot.
Two, stealing my
migration data.
- Okay, that's two things.
- Yeah.
There's plenty of
other ones I could list
off if I wanted to.
I'm waiting.
Those two goons you hired.
They don't know what
they're doing and they
don't respect you.
How about that?
I hear them making fun of
you behind your back
all the time.
About what?
Wearing riding
pants and boots.
- It's silly.
- What's wrong with this?
If you had it to do all
over again, would you wear
these riding pants?
No, probably not.
That's a mistake
then, isn't it?
Okay, okay, I got it.
The mistakes are piling
up, aren't they.
Get out of here!
- I was going to.
- Good!
Goodbye.
Fine!
Which zipper is it?
It's the top one.
You pull it down...
n-not across, down.
Why are there
so many zippers?
That's the, it's the
future of housing!
Mark, Laura!
- What?
- Go after him!
Seriously?
Go after him.
Hey, where's your jackets?
Over there.
Put 'em on.
It's really weird you want
us to match all the time.
I worked really hard
on those jackets.
Put 'em on.
Put 'em on right now.
Hate him.
Nigel!
Oscar!
You've gotta be
freakin' kidding me.
Nigel?
Nigel!
Okay, alright.
Okay, let's just, let's
just, let's just take a break.
I, uh...
I'm not real big in
the whole, jog, uh...
I'm done.
I just feel
like a burger,
- like a burger...
- No, a beer.
And blend it together.
Ooh, a blended
burger and beer.
That's disgusting,
let's just.
That's awesome.
Now who's the smart one?
Batter up.
I can't find
Nigel anywhere.
Follow me, Oscar.
Move over.
I got dibs on next game.
He's good.
He looks smart,
are you smart?
Hey wait, do you guys know
where the manager's office is?
Don't bother them, 'cause
they're on a family picnic.
Can you pass the iced tea?
Yeah.
Pfft, disgusting you...
That's unsweetened!
How can they make
unsweetened tea up here?
They're rude, I know.
So this is our
ranger's station.
We'll have a search
started within the hour
but it's not looking good
in finding him out there.
Nigel!
Nigel, are you okay?
- Hey, are you alright?
- Nigel!
The camera, where'd
you find it?
I didn't.
Nigel, what
happened to you.
I dunno, I ran into Claus
and then his goons tried to
kill me, and then I fell.
They tried to kill you?
Well, they yelled at me.
How did you get here?
Nigel, are you
still mad at me?
Nigel?
Nigel, I'm sorry.
Nigel, I'm sorry!
So, the ranger said it's
about ten minutes from
where we left the car.
He said he'll give us a
ride, but Nigel won't get
in the truck.
Because God hates me.
Nigel.
What do you want?
You know, just because it
was dad in a wookiee suit
doesn't mean the
Sasquatch doesn't exist.
Oscar, don't
you understand?
That was the only
evidence I had.
I mean, what
else is there.
A few footprints
and some hair?
That could be
from anything.
What about your research?
My research is meaningless!
Damien Hogel is meaningless.
And do you want to know
what the worst part is?
It's that you were
the one who knew.
All these years, all these
skeptics, all the people
who made fun of me,
none of it mattered
because I knew there was one
person who believed in me.
But it turns out my
brother knew I was an iditot.
Nigel...
Just go.
Just tell Jamie your
pathetic brother will walk home.
Do you remember when I
made that Mr. T out of
macaroni and the bullies
from AV Club smashed it?
Yeah, I remember.
Do you know what that
project was about?
I don't know, Oscar.
You did so many
macaroni projects.
It was about the
person I admired most.
I guess it was supposed to
be an essay, but I loved
working in macaroni.
It was a good Mr. T.
I only said it was Mr.
T because everyone was
laughing at it.
I was too embarrassed to tell
them it was supposed to be you.
You made me out
of macaroni?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Nigel, you may be my
younger brother, but I
really look up to you.
It doesn't matter to
me if Sasquatch exists.
I just want to
hang out with you.
You're my macaroni
hero, Nigel.
You always have been.
Thanks buddy.
Well.
I guess we
should get going.
Okay.
What about Samson?
Samson will be fine.
He's Samson.
At least we got
some good photos.
Yeah.
Hey Nigel, look at this.
Holy Damien Hogel!
Oh, hey, you
guys ready to go?
Jamie, you've
gotta see this.
How do I look?
Lookin' sharp, buddy.
You've got a throat
lozenge in your hair.
I'll save it for later.
You're money.
I don't know.
Do I think I
believe in it? I...
I'm willing to entertain
the possibility at this point.
I guess it was a learning
experience in the way that
"Lord of the Flies" was
a learning experience.
But at least those kids
got to kill Piggy in the end.
Mr. Norman, you said you
have irrefutable proof of
the Sasquatch's existence.
This is irrefutable.
What is that?
Is that a toothbrush?
It's Nigel's.
My toothbrush is orange.
That's yours.
Well, not that we really
care to know, but can
you perhaps tell us where
that toothbrush was?
I'll tell you right now.
Don't.
- No, I will.
- No.
Go ahead.
Even though it isn't
germane to this
investigation, you know
darn well that that
toothbrush went up
the Sasquatch's butt.
Gentlemen, unless you have
something more substantial
than this to show us,
we're going to have to
call this meeting
to a close, I think.
This whole
thing is a joke.
Good day.
We didn't take them.
The Sasquatch did.
You big...
dummy.
Do I see this
as a defeat?
No, no.
Far from it.
Yes, I was unable
to turn Nigel.
Yes, my assistants
have abandoned me.
They think that leaving me
alone here in the woods to
my own devices is some
form of punishment.
What they don't understand
is that with a few
rudimentary supplies,
I could stay out here forever.
There are few places that
I feel more at ease than
in the forest by myself.
What the was that?
I need to get
some new insoles.
Remind me.
I guess some people will
be skeptics no matter what
you show them.
It doesn't really matter
what a bunch of judges think.
We know what we saw
out there was real.
We've proven to ourself
that the Sasquatch exists.
That's all that counts.
I don't feel the need to
go back to the forest.
I think that we got what
we went there to get.
The most important thing
we took away from this
whole experience is
personal growth.
We changed as people.
We learned.
Maybe that's what Damien
Hogel wanted all along.
Nice job, buddy.
Thank you.
Maybe try one with
the lens cap off.
Science.
Son of a...
I'd love to tell you about
the diaper incident, but
it's classified.
What did he say?
Uh, Oscar wore diapers
well into his teens.
He didn't need to, and he
didn't use them the way
diapers are used.
He just liked
the feel of it.
So...
He was potty trained at a
reasonably typical age,
but he chose, maybe partly
just for fashion, um, to stick
with that diaper look.
And he got plenty of
razzing, you know, but,
no one's gonna, no one's
gonna change Oscar.
And that's the great
thing about Oscar.
He's a fat liar!
Yeah, well Nigel doesn't
have a good memory.
He has a great memory.
And I was 12.