Saturnalia (2022) Movie Script

1
[dramatic music]
[man] I don't know what--
I don't know what you want me
to tell you, man.
I'm not that kinda guy.
[cries] I don't even know
how any of this happened.
I swear to you.
I'm a good man.
I'm a family man.
I-- I'm not even saying
I don't have faults.
[sniffs]
It's just--
everybody's capable
of redemption, you know.
You--
Nobody has to be crucified
for a few mistakes they make
in a moment of weakness
when they didn't
know any better.
Look, all I know
is that I--
I was just driving
home from work.
I was just driving
home from work.
And...
I blacked out.
Then when I woke up,
I was in that place, and I--
God, there was
so much blood.
[breaths heavily]
There was so much fucking blood.
[breathing heavily]
No.
No. No.
What part of this
are you not understanding?
I did not murder
these people.
I'm not capable
of taking a life.
You talk about
taking someone's life
almost like
you're stealing it from them.
Almost like it was theirs
in the first place,
which is simply
not the case.
You people are all just
fancy packages of flesh.
The contents
of which being your soul.
Freedom of will
is just a blank address.
The one who did the wrapping
is hoping it stays blank
and gets a big,
fat stamp on it that says...
"Return to sender."
Yeah. I don't understand.
[man 2] Hmm.
Listen...
you're in some
deep, deep shit.
However, we can make that
all go away.
[ominous instrumental]
What do you
need me to do?
Just...
fill out
that blank address.
[woman]
Don't touch that pen.
-Who are you?
-Don't listen to her, kid.
She's the neighbor who
parks in front of the mailbox
so you can't get shit.
I am your legal counsel.
Don't sign anything.
No handshakes,
no verbal agreements, nothing.
Trust me.
Did I mention there's
a sign-up bonus?

No!
[evil laughter]
[Rafi]
Michael, it's been centuries
and Lucifer still isn't back
in the Valley of Hannon.
You should have never put
an underqualified member
of the Bugle Corps
in charge of guarding
the root of all evil.
[Michael]
Rafi, baby, you are making
a dove with an olive branch
out of a feather.
As we speak,
my best angel is on his way.
[Rafi]
Who did you send?
[Michael] We must begin
as we mean to go on, Rafi.
[Michael muttering]
[Rafi]
Gabe? It's over.
["Stepping Stone"
by Red Linen Antler playing]
Come on.
Love, you'll find it
when I'm gone
I'll help you
move along
I have discovered you
Every day...
Fuck!
You're standing in the way
Of what
you're meant to do
Follow,
this will follow you
[indistinct lyrics]
I will mend it back together
While you find what,
who you will love
One true love
Will you find the one
to take you...
[Daniel grunts]
[phone ringing]
Professor Crawley?
[Professor Crawley]
Hey, Daniel.
Long time no see.
How are you,
my young grasshopper?
I'm hanging on there--
hanging in there.
I'm hanging in there.
Have you taken
the lessons that I've taught
and applied them
to your everyday life?
What?
Have you pulled
from the plethora
of everyday knowledge
I've bestowed upon you?
The pool
of my experience
and created a destiny
of excellence for yourself?
Profess Crawley, you--
you taught, uh, wood shop.
And have you
learned nothing?
Life is wood.
Yeah. Okay. Um--
To what do I owe
the pleasure, Professor?
While contemplating life
and truly delving into the
issues of humanity,
I may have neglected
to enter your final exam
for your graduating class,
rendering
your final grade
null and void.
What-- what--
what does that mean?
Sadly, your diploma
is invalid.
Professor, I don't--
I took your class
for an extra credit.
How is this
even happening?
[Professor Crawley] Ironic.
Meet me this afternoon
so we can go over the material
and what to do
going forward.
I can't, I have work.
I can't.
Some people don't even have
the opportunity to work, Dan.
Take some initiative
for once in your life.
I can't just
not go to work, Professor,
to come pick up a--
[Professor Crawley]
I'll see you soon.
-[phone beeping]
-No, you--
-Hey, Dan, I'm home.
-Oh, my God.
Thanks, Lars.
[breathing heavily]
[tap squeaking]
Dan, there's so much lint
on my balls right now.
It's, uh-- it's like one
of those, like, sticky hands
that you get out
of those 25 cent machines.
Hey, Dan,
I'm scared to take a shit.
What if-- what if
when I stand up
my balls stick
to the toilet seat
and then they, like, snap back
and they slap me in the face?
Dan,
-Dan, Dan!
-What?
Can you give me
some baby powder?
Lars, just hop
in the shower, bud.
And your problem's
gonna be solved, right? Yeah.
Yeah, no, that probably--
that'll fix it.
["Stepping Stone" by Red Linen
Antler resumes playing]
[burps]
[Satan] I'm so glad
you asked, Timmy.
See, cancer
is a terrible disease
that slowly kills you
from the inside.
[Timmy] My fucking
grandma died of cancer.
Little boys get it
when they don't play a healer
and let their
DPS characters die.
[Timmy speaking indistinctly]
Uh, yeah, sure.
You know what?
Why don't you put
your mom in the chat?
-I'd love to speak with her.
-[Timmy] Mom.
[giggles]
[Sarah over the phone]
Excuse me. Did you--
Hey, Sarah.
-- that he was going to
get cancer?
-Oh.
-I cannot believe that.
Do you understand
his father died from cancer?
Well, can I--
-Do you have any sympathy--
-Can I talk now? Okay.
Well, when I was 13
like your kid,
I led a rebellion
against my father.
I say, "Fuck you, Dad."
I got cast out of heaven.
I dressed up
like a snake,
convinced two nudists
to have sex to--
to introduce sin
into the world,
then I had that all spoiled
by a circumcised hippie
who got murked
by his own people, so...
But, you know,
I did manage to open up
the world's most successful
sauna/penitentiary in history.
So... yeah.
Uh, I think your kid got lots
of catching up to do, Sarah.
-You are a grown man.
-And another thing, just--
-You're-- you're a grown man.
-Suck my big fat dick.
[sniffs]
[breathy screaming,
Sarah screaming]
[laughs evilly]
Hey, Dan,
how's it hanging?
Dan? Hey. Dan.
Don't ignore me, I'm fragile.
Dan. Hey, Dan.
Why the cold shoulder, buddy?
[Dan] I gotta go
to the university now.
'Cause I guess some professor
I had two years ago
fucked my grade or something,
I don't know.
Oh, boy. Howdy.
I'll tag along.
I'll get you that grade
in no time.
No, I-- I can--
I can do this myself.
[sighs]
Jesus.
Satan, I asked you
to stop putting
body parts
in the freezer.
First of all,
I asked you not to use
the J word or the G word
when you're speaking
to me, Daniel.
-Got it?
-Mm-hmm.
Second of all, you know,
if I can convince that
Epstein guy to kill himself,
I can convince
your prof of anything.
He don't stand a chance.
I'm very persuasive.
Right, but...
we don't need him
to kill himself, right?
We just need the passing grade.
That's it.
Sure. We'll go with that.
Okay, fine.
But can we please just stop
putting fingers in the freezer?
But finger food.
[laughs]
Let me hear
you say it, Dan.
Finger food.
All right, fine.
But don't be surprised
if you start finding
frozen dicks in the freezer.
You know, they're a delicacy
in some countries.
I'll be going at that shit
like a popsicle.
Like--
[licking noise]
If it was yours, it'd be like--
[sucking noise]
Yeah, but it's fine.
-Where are you going?
-I gotta go.
Hold up, speed racer.
Don't leave without me.
Dan, I'm telling you
let me handle this guy.
No, man, every time
we have you get involved,
somebody gets hurt.
I don't want anybody
to get hurt this time.
No one's gonna get hurt.
I'm just gonna, you know,
convince him to give it to you.
-You mean scare him?
-Yeah, sure.
If I wanted him scared,
I could just--
I would do that myself,
okay?
I could be intimidating.
Dan, I'm more scared
of a Karen
asking to speak
to a manager than you.
That's-- that's bullshit.
No, look, I'll show you.
I can be scary. Watch.
Let's hear it.
Lay it on me, man.
Hey, prof,
if you don't give me a good--
the-- the best grade
in the class,
I'm gonna hurt you so bad
your head's gonna spin.
See?
Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like
that was pretty good.
Pookie, you're-- you're scary.
You're--
you're real scary, buddy.
No, that was really shit
and not good.
This is
how it's done, Dan.
[imitating Dan]
Fucking hate that.
Listen here,
you sack of shit.
If you don't fix
your own mistake right now,
I'm gonna bend you over
on this desk and ass rape you.
Then instead of pulling
your hair for excitement,
I'm gonna gouge
your fucking eyes out
and skull-fuck you
'til you're screaming
my name so fucking loud
everyone in this university
can hear it.
Then I'm gonna light a cigar
and I'm gonna smoke the cigar
and I'll put it out
in your fucking chest.
And to put
the cherry on top,
I'm gonna bust
a fucking nut in the bird hole.
I just feel like
I would never say that.
And what--
what if that doesn't work?
[Satan screams breathily]
That actually could work,
but no, still no.
[Satan exclaims]
You're no fun anymore.
Oh, come on, Dan.
We're not picking up
this nut job again, are we?
Come on, Satan, have a heart,
man. I mean, she--
I don't have a soul.
Why would I have a heart?
Think about it.
Use your head, Dan.
All right.
That's on me, I guess.
But she-- I mean,
she just lost her license.
We're going to
the same place,
we live in the same
apartment complex.
It's-- it's a work courtesy.
Are you at least gonna
make her say,
[moaning] "Oh, Daniel."
No, no,
I'm not gonna do that, so--
"Daniel."
She wouldn't say that
'cause I'm not gonna do that.
[moaning loudly]
"I've never seen
four inches go so far."
You and I both know it's four
and a half so that's, uh--
[high-pitched moaning]
None of this is gonna--
I'm not doing it.
This is you.
[sing-song moaning]
"My beloved, I shall take you
to insemination station."
These are things you would say,
not-- I wouldn't say that.
"Excelsior!"
I'd-- I've never said
that once my whole life.
-Mm.
-Oh, she's right there.
You gotta go in the back.
You gotta go. She's coming.
[moaning]
-You gotta get--
-Fine.
-You're not riding shotgun.
Okay, there's a simpler way
to do this.
The car has doors.
Yeah. Okay.
[Satan] I'm sorry I'm not
as limber as I used to be.
I noticed.
Could you be less graceful?
[Satan] Oh. Oh, shit.
I'm stuck.
-Oh, shoot. She appears--
-[Satan] Okay. I got it.
-She appears to be okay.
-[Satan] Ow! Fucker.
-Hey, Dan.
-Hey, Karl.
[Satan] Welcome to
the clown car, crazy pants.
Thanks for taking me
to work again.
I really can't lose another job,
you know, lizard people.
-Hey, Karl, did you--
-[Satan] It's for you.
You didn't say
lizard people, right?
Well, reptile people to be
more inclusive, but--
I'm good.
Anyway, one of them was
disguised as a cop and, uh,
before he could get to me
I crawled through the backseat,
in my tin foil-lined trunk,
only to be found again.
But-- but not before
I was able
to slip on my bullet/
incubation-proof vest.
So, do you think
I'm gonna need this?
I can't see why you would.
Anyway, nice glasses.
Thanks. They're prescription.
-[pills rattling]
-Oh, shit. Wait-- wait.
Oh, you okay?
[pills rattling]
Karl, what's going on?
-You okay?
-[Satan] Look out.
-You're gonna get stabbed.
-[Dan] I really hope not.
I-- I pro--
I swear I brought it.
-Please tell me what's wrong.
-Oh, my God, okay.
-Oh, that did it. Huh?
-Yeah.
Okay. Word up, I guess.
Um, Karl, I--
I feel like that's
all gotta be
in your head, right?
That's impossible.
My dad says
there's nothing in my head.
Although my mom does think
he's just gaslighting me
so I don't get
swamp-monstered like she did.
Swamp-monstered.
I-- I, um-- what-- what is that?
[giggles] It's-- it's when you
get porked in the porta potty
at a music festival
and get pregnant.
-Come on.
-Of course it is.
Um, is it--
is it the porking itself
or the-- the pregnancy
that's the swamp monster?
I don't know, actually.
Huh.
-So, are you gonna drive or?
-Yeah, no, of course.
I'm gonna drive, that's what
we're in the car for.
[customer] I need to be able
to sync it to the setting,
but I don't see it,
can you help me out, please?
[clerk] Oh, you know what?
I see your problem.
See that, that's a sign
for blue balls, you know.
When your-- when your wife
ain't putting out.
So, you know,
you keep your side bitches
in the burner phone.
[customer] Look, what is
my six-year-old son gonna do
with a phone
for adultery?
All right.
I'll give you ten bucks.
I paid 70 for it.
It's like
a used car, man.
You take it off the lot
and starts depreciating.
That's it.
I'm done. That's it.
I'm depreciating attitude
right now.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Great.
Great. Good for you.
I mean, this is--
what kind of--
Look, and one
of your employees
is molesting one
of your female coworkers.
Come on.
What the fuck are you two doing?
This ain't cousin Clyde's
trailer park.
Get the fuck off each other.
Jesus.
Come on.
Uh, Dan,
you can get off me now.
[customer] Look at me.
I'm reporting you
to the Better Business Bureau,
so good luck.
All right, hold on. Hold on.
I'll give you 20 bucks
for the phone.
How do I put this
in the most professional
manner possible?
You can't be feeling
your coworker's titties, Dan.
Sir, I wasn't.
I-- I-- She was falling down.
I was trying-- I was trying to
stop her from breaking her neck.
You put on quite
a show out there. [chuckles]
I-- I wouldn't be surprised
if some bastard in a suit
just starts knocking on my
fucking door, asking questions.
[clerk sighs]
I-- I gotta fire
one of you.
Now, if you can
explain to me
why you were
tickling her titties...
No, it was my fault.
I'll take the fault.
Listen here, Dan.
You're a good kid.
Well, I don't actually
know that.
To be honest, I don't pay much
attention to either of you.
You're just like these flies
that buzz around me, you know,
while I'm trying
to do my thing
and you just do
your thing and--
I don't know,
it's just--
you're just
not that interesting.
But anyway,
I'm gonna let you go.
I'm gonna
let you fly free
on the winds of change
or what have you,
so you can just pack
your things and just get out.
I don't have anything to pack.
I-- I don't have a locker here.
Oh, well,
it'll go a lot faster, then.
Good luck to you.
[softly snores]
[Dan struggling with car door]
-[car door shutting]
-Lunchtime. We do lunch now?
No. All right.
There-- there's no--
there's no lunchtime.
I just got fired.
[laughs] Really?
Yep.
Dan, you might wanna go
ask for your job back.
I'm a bit of a clothes horse
and we could use the income.
-You know what I'm saying?
-Yeah. We could use the income.
Look, I-- I gotta go
to the university.
All right?
You down for a ride?
Yeah, let's do it, baby.
I'm coming. [grunts]
Just-- Of all the times--
of all the times to use that--
that annoying
teleport thing you do,
you never think
to do it in my car.
It's not nearly
as funny, Dan.
["Through the Night"
by Brody Sayed playing]
I can't see
anything tonight
Stop lurking and start...
[phone ringing]
Hello.
[Melissa] Hi, sweetie.
I just got back
from Mrs. Jeffrey's funeral.
Pastor Connors
gave a beautiful eulogy.
She had no other
family members, you know,
and the spread afterwards
was truly delightful,
-really--
-That's good, eh?
I know how you get when an event
doesn't have a good spread.
Oh, well, like I've always said,
it's the essence of the party.
Anyway, when I was
walking out of church,
I was approached
by two very strange men
in the parking lot
dressed as ghosts.
And they started
asking about you.
Do you have
any idea who they are?
Can't say I know anybody
that fits that description, Mom.
Well, it got me
thinking about you
and now I'm looking at
old photos of you.
Oh, you were so cute.
Thanks, Mom.
When are you coming to visit?
Uh, I don't know.
I-- Th-- things are getting kind
of hectic right now, you know?
I was thinking,
I have a little extra money
now that your dad
has passed away and--
and I could really use
some help on the farm.
You should come home just
for a little while to reset.
Yeah. I'll think
about it, Mom.
That would just mean
the world to me and the goats.
-They miss you, too.
-Hey, Ma, I gotta go. Okay?
I'll call you back.
[car brake screeching]
What the fuck?
No, no, no, no, no. Turn around.
Jaywalker,
we gotta run his ass over.
-Come on, go, Dan.
-Take it easy, motorhead.
-Run him over.
-I'm not running him over.
[music playing faintly]
[Satan]
So, what is this guy?
Some creepy
Kevin Spacey motherfucker?
[Dan] Pretty much it.
I think he just
likes girls, though.
-Other than that, though, yeah.
-[Satan] Yeah.
Professor.
Time to die, douchebag.
No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
Or is it?
I don't know.
I know you don't.
I never do.
This is ridiculous, right?
Like, he asked me to come.
[Professor Crowley chattering]
And-- Professor, I'm here
to talk about my final exa--
-Oh, Christ.
-[Satan gasps loudly]
You're not my wife!
-You're married?
-What, no, shut up.
Blackmail.
[Dan]
And I'm a sex offender now.
[Satan] Well, he's stuck between
a rock and a hard place.
Congratulations.
You passed the class.
And now so are you.
I can trust you
to delete that later, right?
For her sake,
of course.
Professor, you're--
you are poking me.
[upbeat classical music playing]
[coffee machine whirring softly]
That was a complete
waste of fucking time.
Looking at
the glass half empty, Dan.
We did get to see that old guy's
clock weights get readjusted,
if you know
what I'm saying.
You don't get to see
that shit every day.
Yeah. I'm-- I'm aware.
I'm very glad I don't
get to see that every day. Okay?
Because it was disgusting.
And if I can be frank, it speaks
to the integrity of that school.
Well, don't blame the school.
Look, man, I think we all
learned a little
something today.
Once you get
to be that age,
gravity really takes its toll
on the old teabag.
Jesus Christ, it looked like
an outie belly button.

Are you even paying
attention to me anymore?
What are you--
Oh, Dan, look!
It's your sock drawer's
worst nightmare, Dan.
Come on,
come talk to her.
I can see who it is.
Can you
come back over here
and stand next to me
like you're supposed to?
Well, if you don't,
I will.
Yeah, this is
my shit right here.
-Stop. Stop.
-Dan. Dan.
-Don't do this.
-Did I do something wrong, Dan?
-Don't do this.
-[crying]
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
Is it me?
Dan, did I embarrass you
in public?
[sobbing loudly]
I'm an idiot.
[sobbing loudly]
-Can we just not do this?
-Dan, nobody cares.
Nobody can hear me.
No one can see me, idiot.
Check it out.
I'll prove it.
[sings opera]
See?
No applause. Fucking ingrates.
Fuck.
Oh. [giggles]
Silly me.
It wasn't me at all.
Was it? It's her.
Oh, God. [giggles]
Come on, Scrooge.
Go talk to her.
[British accent]
Bob Crotcher is cold.
You don't want Tiny Dan
to die, do you?
[high-pitched voice]
Please fuck us. Anyone?
Look, I can't just
go talk to her.
You know she hates my guts.
You know that.
[normal voice] I'm sure that was
water under the bridge, buddy.
That was two years ago.
Not after
what I did to her, okay?
You know, you never did tell me
what happened on that date.
Just kept talking about
that girl for weeks at a time
and all of a sudden
she's masturbation material?
Spill it.
Well, that depends.
Um, if it's a smaller project,
it could take a couple of weeks.
But if it's a larger one,
it might take me
a couple months for planning
and then a few months
after that, just to, um...
finish it. [giggles]
[Dan laughs]
I never would have guessed that,
I just would've kind of
figured that you
came out with a paintbrush
and went to work, you know?
[Lilly gasping for air]
That's stiff.
Stiff, stiff, stiff.
You okay?
Dan, I think I'm having
an allergic reaction.
Having an allergic react--
uh, uh, to what?
To the-- the chicken? I--
I think there
are tomatoes in this.
-I don't know. Did you order--
-Excuse me!
Are there tomatoes in this?
Are there tomatoes? I--
-[Lilly chocking]
-Okay, uh...
Okay. Uh, what are you--
what-- okay.
Um, what-- what--
what should I do?
I don't under--
[Lilly gasps]
I think
I'm gonna be sick.
[Lilly coughing]
[Dan retches]
[Lilly coughing]
No one ever
needs to know.
[Satan] Come on.
Hey, Lilly.
Hey, Dan.
Hey, long time no see.
Hey, uh, you--
you look amazing.
What is this?
The Bachelorette?
[imitating Dan]
You look amazing. Oh, jeez...
You look, um,
about the same.
[Satan snorting
with laughter]
You're not
stalking me, are you?
No, no, no,
I don't-- I don't--
I'm not stalking you
right now.
I'm not--
I'm not stalking you anytime.
So, I'm-- I'm just here
to get coffee.
That's what
I'm here for.
Come on, Dan,
lay down some sexy shit.
Put on the moves.
Show her what it's like
to have hot rhino's blood
pumping through your cock.
You look amazing.
-[Satan] God.
-[Lilly] Yeah.
You said that already.
Well, didn't you know
that incest
was a lot less
frowned upon in,
uh, earlier centuries,
particularly a-- among
royalty, for instance?
Excuse me?
No, 'cause, um, the, uh--
the-- that post
that you posted
about your sister
and how you love her so much,
like,
it might even be weird.
And-- and so,
like, incest just--
and now I have--
gave it to you.
Dan, I posted this,
like, six months ago
and I'm pretty sure I blocked
you, like, two years ago
after you left me
at that restaurant.
Wait, you did what now?
It's-- it's--
it's not so,
uh, difficult to make a second
account, though, I mean.
[snorts]
You made a second account
just to creep on me?
Would you like a shovel for
the hole you're digging, sir?
You okay, Dan?
Daniel, what are you doing?
That was harder to watch than
Europe during the black plague
and I had
front row seats to that shit.
Believe me.
I know, man.
I-- I-- I-- What do I do?
Listen, man, you really
like this girl, right?
-I do.
-You'd do just about anything
to make it happen, right?
[inhales]
I want it
more than anything, man.
Well, she ain't in here.
Turn your happy ass around
and go get that bitch.
Look, what am I
supposed to do?
Every time I talk to her,
every time she talks,
-I just freeze. I--
-Okay. Okay.
Oh, okay. Shh.
First things first.
First things first.
You got your headphones?
Yeah. Uh, yes.
Go into that stall.
Listen to some A7X
and beat one out.
-What?
-You heard me.
Skin the snake. Feed the geese.
Shake hands with the milkman.
Ride that pleasure train until
you see the fiery gates of hell.
Look, once you expel
your body of its lust,
you'll be able
to think more clearly.
Why is this
so important to you, man?
This is advantageous
to both of us.
Just trust me for once
in your life, Daniel.
Hmm? Hmm?
Okay.
Oh, oh--
This stall is missing something.
What is it?
A little interior decorating.
Fresh coat of paint.
Yes. Yes.
I'm thinking,
uh, eggshell white.
Huh? Huh?
And by that, I mean,
you're gonna paint
the walls with your semen.
[Dan] With my cum. I know.
I know what you mean.
-Well, it's subtle.
-You keep--
you always say it's subtle,
it never is.
[Satan] Listen,
you're one round in Rocko,
but you gotta
get back in there, see?
You gotta get back
in there and finish this round.
Come on. Excelsior!
Yes. You're a worm.
You're fucking small,
you piece of shit.
-I don't need that, I don't--
-I know you like that.
You got this kid. Come on.
Bring it home, buddy.
I mean, I can--
I can always help.
I-- I've always wanted
one of those.
-[Dan grunts]
-Yeah!
[Dan panting]
You did good.
-There he is.
-[clapping]
[making breathy cheering sound]
[whistling]
We love you, Dan.
You feeling nice
and amped up?
-Relatively.
-All right.
Now walk up to her
and say these words.
"Beauty is
in the eye of the beholder,
Yeah.
"But tonight,
I'mma be holding
you all night long."
I-- I-- That's stupid.
I-- I would never say that.
-That's not me.
-Well, come on, man.
I mean, look,
I've been--
I've been slaying the, uh,
putang
since the beginning of time.
This shit's
never failed, Dan.
-You're sure?
-Would I steer you wrong?
I mean,
when I'm not fucking with you.
I'm gonna do you the kindness
of not answering that.
[caf din]
Hey, Lilly.
You know, beau-- beauty's
in the eye of the-- the--
the-- the snakes-- the--
no, snake-- snake eyes.
And I can--
I can hold... me.
Is this as weird
for you as it is for me?
Ah, I think you
fucked that one up, buddy.
Look, Dan, we went
on a date two years ago,
and, uh,
you threw up on me
and left me
at the restaurant.
It-- it--
it seemed like you, uh,
you had it under control
so well, I didn't--
I didn't wanna, like,
step on your toes.
I went into anaphylactic shock
and wound up in the hospital.
[whispers] I was shitting myself
for three weeks.
And I lost 40 pounds.
Oh.
Oh, I see
what's happening here.
You show the girl
the time of her life,
she treats you
like this?
Man, times have changed.
[Dan] It's--
In a way, though,
I, like, saved you money
on a gym membership.
[Satan] How does it
just keep getting worse, Dan?
Do you have any idea
the psychological damage
being associated
with being terrified
of your own gas?
Never knowing
if you're gonna shit yourself?
[sharply whispering] It was like
it was playing Russian roulette
with my asshole, Dan.
I was
in therapy for weeks.
And how you acted
about it all?
I debated
whether or not I should...
sue you or put a hit out on you
just to get it over with.
But no, no, no.
I took the high road.
I blocked you.
Which clearly
you found ways around that.
I mean, you gotta admit
I'm pretty persistent, right?
Yeah.
You're definitely
pushing boundaries
in the stalker territory.
[Da'Louis clears throat]
[Da'Louis] Let's go, babe.
-You're late.
-I'm actually early.
You're late.
[Da'Louis] Well,
who the fuck is this white boy?
-[Lilly] Nobody.
-[Da'Louis] Yo.
You trying
to fuck my bitch?
No, I'm-- I'm not.
I'm-- I wasn't.
He kinda was, though.
I'm Da'Louis, bitch.
I'm Da'Louis.
I'll graham cracker your
motherfucking Prius, white boy.
I'm sorry. What the fuck
am I looking at right now?
[Lilly] Come on, baby.
What-- what does--
what does this mean?
God, you ain't got
no permission slip, bitch.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm trying
to communicate with you, man.
-I-- I don't know how.
-Let's go.
I've done things
you can't even dream of, homie.
I got warrants.
Yeah, for parking tickets
you haven't paid.
Let's go.
Goodbye, Dan.
Oh, oh.
Dan.
Dan.
What kinda white boy cracker-ass
name is Dan anyway?
Hi, I'm Dan.
Uh, nice
to meet you.
Have you evaluated
your 401(k) plan recently?
[snickers]
Man, fuck yo' couch.
[Lilly]
Seriously, let's go.
We have errands to run
before the party tonight.
Stay away
from my bitch.
[door creaks open]
-Unreal.
-That was torture.
Is that
what I do to people?
I'm a monster.
Yeah, you'd be
surprised, buddy.
[dramatic chord]
[street din]
[groans]
You know...
I honestly
don't get humans.
You know
what I just saw?
Two teenage girls
took their puppy outside
for a video
of his first time in the snow.
And you know
what they did?
Took a 20-second video of their
own ugly stink-ass faces.
Didn't even look
at the damn dog.
And then promptly took the
little fucker right back inside.
It's a crying damn shame.
["Deck the Halls"
ringtone playing]
Oh, shit.
It's Michael.
What does he want?
Hey, you talk to him.
I don't wanna talk to him.
[Michael] Hello?
Hello?
Right.
[Michael] Levi.
These phones
are not working.
If I have to tell you
one more time--
Michael.
[laughing] Hey.
I was just about
to call you.
Gabriel, you beautiful
mocha prince, you.
What's the happs?
Yeah.
How's that, uh, little errand
I sent you guys on?
It's good.
You know, good, good, good.
You know, we--
uh, surveillance
and you know, surveillancing
and shit. [chuckles]
Oh, oh, really?
Really?
Well, 'cause I haven't
heard any updates from you
and, uh, well, that,
you know, makes me nervous.
[laughing]
And you know
I do hate being nervous.
It detracts
from being my normal regal self.
Okay? [laughing]
I mean, how am I supposed
to live my best life
if every minute is spent
handling little miss...
inconsistencies... [slurping]
...which stopped me from dealing
with my very busy schedule
of keeping order
in Heaven,
all because
my subordinates
can't pick up the phone
once in a while?
Come on.
[Gabriel]
Hey. You know, my bad.
You know,
I'm-- I'm sorry.
[Michael] All right.
Did you reach out to the mother?
Oh, oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
[laughs]
She got the fucking message.
-[gasps]
-Reach out to yo' son, bitch.
Are the sheets
really necessary?
[laughs]
Michael, you obviously have
never seen A Christmas Carol.
The only way
to create
life-altering epiphanies
in the human world
is to scare
their little asses.
You know,
with ghosts and shit.
I see. I see.
Well, keep up the good work
and keep me posted, will you?
Listen, I--
otherwise I'm gonna
have to come visit
this Dan character myself
and you know
how that goes.
All right.
It makes me nervous.
And when I'm nervous,
I'm not my normal regal self.
Do I make myself clear?
And do you understand?
Okay, boss.
Understood.
[Michael]
No soul left behind.
No soul left behind.
One more time
with feeling.
[Gabriel]
No soul left behind.
No soul left behind.
[Gabriel]
No soul left behind.
Atta boy. Michael out.
[phone thudding]
Ferdinand...
make me feel good.
[sniffing]
[exhales]
Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
Shit.
[thudding]
Okay, Dan.
I was reviewing the highlights
of that little mishap
that happened
earlier today
only to conclude that your game
is royally fucked up, buddy.
Reminded me
of the time
that I watched
all the animals drown
that didn't make it
on the Ark.
But this time,
instead of
laughing at you and...
poking you
with a stick...
I'm gonna help
you.
-You're gonna help me?
-Hell, yeah.
Yeah, you did help me
at the caf
and look
what happened, man.
Well, you just don't have
any confidence in yourself.
That's all.
But that's your problem,
not mine.
Besides,
all is not lost.
You heard that girl.
There's supposed to be
a party happening tonight,
you gotta make
an appearance.
Yeah, I heard what she said
and I also heard
that she doesn't wanna
see my face ever again.
Okay?
Also, I do not want
to get my ass beat
by some hood
rat tonight.
-[blows whistle]
-Oh, my God.
-It's such a small room, dude.
-[Satan] Shh, shh.
Shut your fucking mouth.
This time,
let me hold the reins.
Huh?
I can solve
all your problems.
No, man, no.
We've talked about this.
The last time, Satan, you
cannot possess my mortal soul.
Flag on the field.
It's not a flag.
It's such a reasonable play.
Listen, up until now
you've captained a dinghy
that has treaded,
shall we say, shallow waters.
Let me be your Nemo
and navigate your submarine
40,000 leagues
under the sea.
And by submarine
I mean your penis.
My penis,
I know you do. All right.
I was worried gonna have
to draw you a picture.
[Dan] No, shit.
But look, this whole thing
is your fault anyway.
Yeah. What happens
every time I listen to you?
What happens?
I get swept up into some kind of
a wacky misadventure and I just
end up getting fucked.
I-- I don't know why I ever
listened to you before.
[Satan] Poor Danny.
Always going
through the motions, huh?
Creating fantasies
in his mind,
but never acting on his impulses
or even acting at all.
What was
your degree in again?
Uh, oh, hold on.
Political science in theater.
And what you doing
with that, huh?
You lighting Broadway
on fire with your FDR musical?
Roosevelt,
exclamation point!
Look, man, my fucking life
is falling apart.
Okay?
What do you want from me?
-I'm trying.
-Oh, you're trying?
Are you?
But are you really?
Are you really?
Look the fuck around you, man.
All you do is sit
at home on your ass
having a circle jerk
with Lars over that Lilly bitch,
who you're stalking,
by the way.
Meanwhile,
chronically masturbating
until your dick looks like
it belongs on a crocodile.
All right.
Meanwhile, that little hood rat
is living your dream, man.
Get a grip.
Fuck, first of all,
don't call her a bitch.
-All right.
-Ooh, hit a nerve?
Second of all, that whole
fucking bullshit was a low blow.
All right, there's no reason
to say shit like that.
[Satan] You are-- you're right.
Hey. Hey.
Did I...
did I hurt
your feelings?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, here.
Why don't you
jerk off some more?
That'll solve
all your problems.
What the fuck are you
attacking me for, huh?
What have you been trying to do
for the last couple millennia?
Take over the world still?
How's that coming along? Huh?
From the inside
of my fucking closet.
You know, that's it. That's it.
You really need to add
to your little
Kleenex collection,
you cum wad.
All I've ever tried
to do is help you, Danny.
All right?
But it's over.
I wash my hands
of you, Danny.
I expel you of the burden
I put on your miserable life.
You might as well
marry your right hand
and have a bunch of
deformed half-hand,
half-pussy, loser children.
And hey, if the cell phone
career doesn't pan out,
you can always
tour the countryside
doing puppet shows
with your freak Carney family.
Your kids
could be finger puppets.
[cackles]
[Dan] Get the fuck
outta here, man.
[laughs hysterically]
Dan, did you hear
what I said?
[Dan] Yeah.
I fucking heard you, man.
-Get out.
-Finger puppets!
Yes, I heard you.
Get the fuck out.
Get out of my room.
Get out of my house.
Get out of my closet.
Just get the fuck
out of my life.
[panting]
-Hey, Lars.
-Looking good.
[Lars] Hey,
go get it, girls.
Oh, damn.
Get it.
Oh, God, dude.
[muffled speech]
Exactly right, Lars.
God.
Please, follow.
Uh, okay.
[ominous music]
[footsteps approaching]
Sit.
-Sit.
-[Lars] Okay.
So, Lars,
you want some "peanus"?
Sorry, some what now?
You know,
some salty peanuts.
[chuckles] Oh.
Peanuts.
Yes, of course.
[laughs]
-Eat, eat, delicious--
-No, no, no. That's okay.
I'm, um-- you know,
I got my fill of nuts today.
Oh.
So, why'd
you bring me here?
Why did I follow you?
[clear speech] Your friend
is in grave danger.
Uh, which one?
Wait, what happened
to your voice?
You know,
the sad pathetic one.
Looks like a poster child
for antidepressants.
-Oh, Dan?
-Yes, exactly.
Wait, but how do you know
he's in trouble?
Let's just say
we have a mutual friend.
[TV show playing
in the background]
[Satan whistles]
[clears throat] Hey.
So, I was thinking about
that talk we had earlier
and, um,
oh, you're right.
We can be-- both
be so stupid sometimes.
And-- and we really act out.
Hey.
Buds?
-No.
-Bring it on in.
-Come on.
-No, no.
-Oh, come on.
-No man.
You-- first of all,
I never even said that.
Second of all,
you-- you always do this to me.
You-- you twist
everything around
and you
make me confused
and make me
look like I'm the bad--
Look at you.
Look what you're covered in.
You routinely kill
and eat people.
I'm a person.
If you popped up
in my neighbor's closet,
would you come
and kill and eat me?
You're the devil.
You're the original bad guy.
You're literally Satan.
I mean, God, what do you--
How many times
do I have to tell you
please not to use
that fucking word
when you're
speaking to me?!
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-I know. I know. I know.
I hear you.
I hear you, but I'm trying.
Okay?
I'm really trying to change.
I swear.
Hell, I'll even
swear to Go--
I'll swear to Go--
-I wanna hear it.
-I'll get it.
I'll swear to God
if I have to
and you know how much
I hate that fucking guy.
I do.
Daniel...
you have brought
something out in me...
something I didn't even know
I had or existed.
It's kindness, Dan.
Kindness.
You brought
that out in me,
and I'm forever grateful.
And-- and all I wanna do
is-- is to return the favor.
I am forever changed.
[body thudding]
I'm pretty sure
she's still alive.
Yep.
I'm sure she'll be kicking
any minute now, buddy.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Um, we'll come back to this.
Um, just, don't-- sorry.
Uh, don't forget
the conversation though.
You know, kind-- kindness.
Uh, so sorry.
I'm forever changed.
Swear to Go--
Okay.
Come on, you fucker.
[TV show playing
in the background]
[chomping]
[tune of "Happy Birthday"]
I'm sorry, Daniel
I'm so sorry, Daniel
I'm sorry
we're both assholes
I'm sorry, Daniel
What is this? I'm gonna--
I'm gonna open this up
and a grenade pin is gonna
fall out or something?
[door shuts closed]
Great.
For thousands of years,
Satan has corrupted
the souls of man out of spite
and jealousy.
He has been responsible
for some of the greatest
atrocities of humankind.
The great plague.
The Holocaust.
9/11.
SNL after the 2000s.
I knew it.
Suffice to say,
this guy has some massive
fucking daddy issues
and no real
healthy outlets.
But what he wants,
what he desires,
most of all,
is to be born
into this world as a man.
For it is
through his seed
that he can create
the Antichrist.
Whoa.
But what happens then?
I-- I don't
actually know for sure,
but that shit
is definitely bad.
It's like...
totally not cool.
Yo, that's bad news.
What-- but what does
Satan want with Dan?
When I was
a young boy,
Satan came to me
as an imaginary friend.
Granted, at the time,
I had no clue
as to what Satan really was,
but he was always there
to help me and guide me.
When things went well
because of his advice,
they always took
a turn for the worst.
But I loved
the good times so much,
that when the bad times
came along,
I didn't mind.
I ignored the signs.
Little did I know
he was crushing
my soul piece by piece.
I was taking
the easy road,
the less ethical path.
Eventually, I couldn't cope
without his advice.
And all my bad decisions
came back to bite me in the ass.
Finally,
I needed him
more than anything...
which was his plan.
So, I let him possess me
in an attempt
to reproduce...
which is what he wanted
from the beginning.
Holy shit.
But I beat him
in the end.
[laughs]
Sadly not before
my entire life was ruined.
Yeah, sure, sure.
But how--
how did you defeat him?
How did you beat Satan?
I was sterile.
-Oh, my God.
-Mm.
That's awful.
You know,
this actually
makes a lot of sense.
Just thinking about Dan,
I mean,
I just thought he was into
some, like, weird BDSM shit.
Hey, Dan, could I borrow
a shirt for my date tonight?
"Oh, yeah, sure buddy.
You're my best friend.
Of course, Lars."
Anything for you,
I'll just-- Oh, go--
Behold, a mighty weapon,
blessed in holy water
and frankincense
-carved from what is believed--
-Wow.
to have been the wood
from the cross that Jesus
sacrificed himself upon.
I picked this baby up
in small town in Egypt.
[Lars laughs]
It's the only weapon
known in the universe
that can defeat
the devil.
[laughs] Nice.
So, this will like--
this'll really kill Satan?
Yeah, I'm not so sure
about that part either.
You've just gotta
bash Dan's balls in
with this thing
if you wanna save him.
Oh, whoa. Okay.
Uh, what-- is there
anything else we could do
that's not that?
Well, you could try
to convince him
to take up
mountain biking.
-All right.
-Or have a vasectomy.
-Ooh, okay.
-But--
No, that would--
that would take too long.
No, I'm afraid
Dan shooting blanks
is the only way
to beat the devil
and save the world.
Save the world.
Yes. You see...
if there's no certain
way to reproduce,
huh, he'll just
move on to his next host.
All right.
I can do it.
I can bust Dan's balls.
[angelic choir music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[coughing]
There's my best buddy
in the whole goddamn world.
[cheering & screaming]
This is all for you.
[indistinct yelling]
Hey, Dan! I'm fucking your mom.
Loser.
These are for you, Dan.
Have my titties.
Yes, I love you, Dan.
I love you.
I love you so much.
[man] Tell us
what pieces of shits we are.
[voices slowly fade way]
[birds chirping]
[ominous music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[Dan] Hello?
[officer] Uh, yeah. Hi.
Okay.
So, oh, geez.
This is my first time.
This is awkward.
-Uh, is this Daniel McDowell?
-Yeah. Who's this?
[officer]
Yeah. Okay. So, yeah.
Well, you know, I work with
the Dayton Police Department.
Is your mom
Melissa McDowell?
[Dan coughs]
Uh, why?
What's-- what's going on?
[clears throat]
[officer] Well,
I-- unfortunately,
I'm calling
to inform you
that your-- your mom passed away
earlier this afternoon.
Yeah, so...
Are you serious?
[officer] Yeah, sir.
So, a neighbor found her
in the barn behind the house.
This, uh--
that can't be true.
Is there
some kind of a mistake?
[officer]
I'm sorry for your loss, sir.
I understand
this is terribly shocking news,
but, you know, this is
a sad reality of-- of life
that, well, that we all
have to go through, so...
[sobbing]
Do you know
how she, uh--
[clears throat]
How it happened?
[officer]
Uh, from what-- Hold on.
Now, from what I'm told here,
she says, uh,
she was attacked by her goats.
[crying]
Oh, my God.
[officer]
That's awkward.
Just rare
is what it is.
We will be, uh, sending you
a death certificate by mail
in the coming days
along with some,
uh, information
on how to make
funeral arrangements
and what
to do going forward.
Okay.
Make it easy on you.
Uh, Pastor Connors will be
having a beautiful eulogy
and service
prepared for your mother.
A truly delightful
spread afterwards.
Yeah, truly delightful.
Okay.
[officer]
Feel free to call this line
if you have
any questions or concerns, sir.
And again, I'm terribly sorry
for your loss.
My condolences to you and
your entire humongous family.
[cellphone beeps]
[crying]
[sobbing]
[solemn folk-rock music]
[door bangs shut]
[phone ringing]
Fill me with novocaine
I don't want to feel a thing
Pick up
the phone, Dan.
Pick up
the phone, Dan.
Oh, you miserable dork,
pick up the phone.
[phone ringing]
-Yeah.
-[Lars] Dan. Dan.
Oh, Dan,
this situation, it's so fucked.
It's like--
it's like entire history
of the Russian
monarchy fucked.
Or like if, like, Peewee Herman
and Kevin Spacey were lovers,
but they couldn't have a baby
because they both had dicks.
So-- so, they decided
to inseminate
the Westborough Baptist church
because they knew that
whatever-- they're all just--
they're all just
a bunch of pussies.
But then they gave birth
to Attila the Hun
and he had rocket
launches for arms
and he fired him
at the World Trade Center.
That is how fucked
this whole Satan thing is, Dan.
What?
Look, Lars,
I'm not in the mood for this.
All right, man? Seriously.
What?
[Dan] It's not
a good time, Lars.
All right?
My fucking-- I'm--
My mom just died. So,
I got--
I gotta go.
No, no, no, Dan.
-Dan, you can't just--
-[cellphone beeps]
[stutters] Did you just--
Dead. Okay.
Okay, I just got--
I just gotta go save you, dude.
I just gotta do it myself.
[breathes heavily]
Don't you
even worry, buddy.
I'm on my way, Dan.
I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Dan.
I'm on my way.
Hey, watch out,
I'm coming through.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-No, no, no.
[crashing]
[both groaning in pain]
[Satan] Ow!
-Owie!
-Oh, no. No, no, no. Oh, my God.
I-- just-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Sir.
You hit me
with your bike.
I'm sorry.
Sir, I didn't--
Oh, God,
I didn't know what--
Do--
Don't say
that word, Lars.
Wait, how do you
know my name?
Know your name?
You silly goose.
Know your name.
See, uh, it's funny to me
because you don't know me.
No.
Yet we've lived
in the same apartment
for years.
[ominous music playing]
You-- you're--
you're Satan.
-You're--
-No, no, no, don't panic.
Hey, it's me.
Just me. Okay? [laughs]
-You-- you--
-Just wanna talk, buddy.
Come here,
give me a hug.
-[stammering]
-Fine.
I won't-- I won't
freak out this time.
Come here. Come here.
Hug me, you little bitch.
Let's go.
I just come wanna talk, Lars.
[crying]
There you go,
my dear.
[Dan]
Thank you very much.
We're here.
Come back.
[Dan]
How could I forget?
I hope not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, hey.
Give me
your fucking money.
What-- what-- what?
[Gabriel] Do-- do-- do--
did I stutter, motherfucker?
I said
give me your fucking money.
Don't make me scorch
the earth on your punk ass.
I'll make some straight up
barbecue bitch out here.
You Adrian Brody-looking
motherfucker.
Get the fuck
out of my face.
[Lars panting]
Why me?
Why me?
No, I'm just curious.
I mean, some guy just
pulled-- pulled outta here
in a fucking Tesla.
Look at my car.
What do you think
you're gonna gain
out of robbing me?
Look, everybody's
equals in God's hands.
Well, God doesn't want
anyone to get robbed, does he?
Who-- who even
are you guys?
We're your guardian
angels, bitch.
Now gimme
your fucking money.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
Here you go.
Here you go.
What the fuck
is this?
It's what I have.
I-- I told you
I'm-- I'm broke.
I have no-- no dough.
I have no money.
What about
the fucking envelope?
[Dan] Envelope?
What envelope?
I-- I have no envelope.
All I have is a dead mom's
funeral to pay for.
So, thank you
so much.
Damn.
You know what, man?
I'm sorry.
I tell you what?
You be Robin Hood
and you can fucking rob me, man.
Here, bro.
[chuckles]
So, uh, you guys are really
guardian angels, then.
Hey, he who has
a bountiful eye
shall be blessed for he shares
his bread with the poor.
-Right on, angel.
-Stay up, bro.
[laughs]
Right.
[giggles]
Hey, my brother.
Hold on a minute.
[ominous instrumental plays]


[coughing]
Dan, you worthless,
ridiculous twat waffle.
Get your ass in here.
It's time for a spanking.
[man]
Bring your ass inside.
[indistinct yelling]
Your dick is this big.
It's this fucking big.
You sad sack of shit.
[indistinct yelling]
[forest din]

[coughs]
What the fuck, man.
[ominous instrumental plays]


[gasps]
-[coughs]
-[spits]
[groans]
[groaning continues]
[employee] I just saw
what happened out here.
Are you all right?
You look
a little down in the dumps, hm?
Mm.
Yeah.
-Oh, okay.
-[coughing]
I'm not all right. I--
I'm in my late twenties, okay?
I'm pushing 30
and I'm still...
working at this dead end job
that it-- it's not
what I went to college for,
it's not what I paid thousands
of dollars in tuition for.
And, I still--
I still have
no social skills.
I don't have
any people skill.
I--
I don't have no-- I have no--
I don't have any skills.
I have no skills. I--
The girl I'm in love with,
she thinks
I'm a fucking loser,
-degenerate pervert and my--
-[exhales deeply]
My mom just died
in a horrible accident
and-- and I'm pretty--
I'm 80% sure
I just got my ass beat
by my fucking
guardian angel, okay?
So I-- I'm not okay.
If-- if 'down in the dumps'
manifested itself as a person,
it would be me.
Oh, shit!
That is fucked up buddy!
[sniffs]
But like, uh,
Requiem For a Dream
fucked up,
and specifically that part
where he-- he wakes up
and he is
like an amputee and shit!
[snorts]
But...
you're still young.
Look at me.
I'm in my thirties
and a little
late thirties
and some change,
but the point
I'm trying to make is,
I didn't go to college
and I have
a fairly successful career
as a vape shop clerk,
so, you know,
you've got time.
Don't waste it
wallowing in your sorrows.
It's like-- like that--
like that tranny
in that Dallas, uh,
something, or other movie.
Take-- take advantage
of the time you have.
Take-- take risks
while you can.
Embrace your loved ones
and...
learn to forgive...
you know?
-See--
-[sighs]
You-- you don't fuck
with Jared Leto, huh?
Who?
Nothing.
You're right. You're right.
Thank you-- thank you,
weird Jared Leto lady.
-You're welcome.
-[laughing]
Oh, now fuck off!
I'm pretty sure you're
scaring the customers away.
[giggling]
Hey, wait.
Don't worry
about your mom, kid.
She is in a better place now.
I'll tell her
that you love her.
What do you mean?
You?
Oh, my!
God?
[smacks lips]
-Uh!
-[laughing]
Oh, my God!
[groaning]
[groans]
Jesus!
[sniffs]
-[gentle music plays]
-[sniffs]
Boy!
Jesus!

What the fuck?
[Satan]
"Dear Dan, I know you!
You are an incredible
human being.
But, even the best
need a helping hand
every now and then.
I seem to recall
that girl you like
saying she had a lot of
medical expenses after that,
uh, date from hell.
I think
you know what to do.
Love, Your bestest friend
and biggest fan, Satan."
-[papers rustling]
-"XOXOXO. Winky face!"
[papers rustling]
[scoffs]
Where does he get
all this money?
[cheerful music plays]
[coins clinking]
[grunting & groaning]
["Tension and Release"
by Red Linen Antlers plays]
Walk away then
self-express
And my darling goes away
And that's always my type
And now I'm faced
[engine cranks]
[sighs]
[classical instrumental plays]

[organ plays]
[Gabe] Yeah
I
Know I've been changed
I-I-I
Know I've been changed
You know the
Angels in heaven
Don't sing
Don't sing my name
Oh, Lord
I say that I-I-I
Know I've been changed
I say that I-I-I
Know I've been changed
You know
the angels in heaven
Don't sing
My name

Yeah!
[laughing]
[clapping]
Mm!
Stirring
performance!
Truly, Gabriel. Beautiful.
A little pitchy,
could have been a little better.
Uh, it's fine.
It's good.
Nobody is perfect, except me.
It's fine.
Look, you've been
hunting me around
all day, buddy,
and I'm here.
So, how are things?
How's the old man?
-Pissed!
-[Satan] Of course.
What the fuck
are you doing, man?
You gotta stop this shit.
You know
you can't come back from this.
I know. I've been thinking
long and hard about that.
I'm really struggling
and I'm having
a really hard time,
Gabe, and I need help.
I can't sell this.
Hold on, take two.
This is my concerned face.
-Mother f-- Mm.
-[Satan] No, no, no, no.
Check it out. Check it out.
Look how serious I am.
[laughing]
So, Papa Bear's upset,
so he sends RuPaul
to send me a message?
Fuck you! It's a tunic.
Yes, and it is
fabulous, honey.
Ever God's power bottom, eh?
But, I don't understand.
I thought
he stopped sending messages
by flaming butch
a long time ago.
That's bushes, bitch!
I know what I said.
Oh, oh.
Fucking little Lucy, huh?
So good with
your fucking words, huh?
But, when it came down
to action,
you got your ass whooped
by Goldilocks
in the motherfucking
three bears, didn't you?
Blow me, Gabriel,
blow me.
Why don't you blow me,
Gabriel, blow me.
Stop! Happy bitch.
Suck my fat dick, bird cage.
You don't have a dick,
you cum-guzzling cock goblin.
You don't know what I got!
-You mother--
-[groaning]
[Gabe] You son of a bitch!
Shit! You're--
But you're gonna find out.
Not today, Satan.
Not fucking today.
[sighs]
Oh, look!
A Black life not mattering!
[Gabe] What the f--
God da--
Daddy damn it!
[upbeat instrumental plays]

[car horn honks]
You better
fucking find him
before Michael finds out
we lost him.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Oh, Michael.
-[giggling]
-Hey!
[panting]
We were just about
to call you with an update.
Uh, we got a lead...
on, uh,
some older guy.
You know he got information
on how to-- how to stop Satan.
That he-- he--
The kid's weird ass roommate
actually led us to him.
We-- we-- we was about--
we was about to pay him a visit.
You remember Levi?
[Gabe] Levi?
Yeah, Levi.
Short angel, unibrow.
He was in charge of heaven's
phone plan for many years.
Always had
that ridiculous expression
on his face
anywhere he went.
A smile?
Yes. That.
Him.
And he was
so genuine with it,
like he actually meant it.
I had to exile him today.
Exile?
Why-- But why?
Well, since you haven't been
returning my phone calls...
especially after
the conversation we had
regarding how important it is
to keep me updated.
Well, I just assumed
Levi had picked us
an unfortunate phone plan,
and, well,
he has been exiled.
You remembered what that
was like, don't you Gabriel?
When I found you
in New Orleans on the streets
playing horns
in a brass band.
That wasn't ideal, was it?
It was fun.
But-- but-- but, no, no.
No, not ex-- not--
not-- not-- not-- not ideal.
[Michael] Not ideal.
Not ideal at all.
What is ideal
is if we stop Lucy
before Dad even realizes
he's out of the furnace
where he belongs.
Because if he does find out...
I'll have to take care of it.
And we don't want that, do we?
[nervously]
No, sir.
I'm sorry?
[Gabe]
No, sir.
Good.
Because if things aren't ideal,
common sense dictates
that it will be
less than ideal
for all parties involved,
if you know
what I'm saying.
Do I make myself clear?
[Gabe]
Crystal, sir.
Here.
Take this.
You might need it.
I have faith in you boys,
don't let me down.
Wow!
My own sword?
Thank you, Michael.
I won't forget this.
No soul left behind.
No souls left behind.
[hard rock music plays]
Breaking down
the walls again
In front of my eyes
I can't see where
you've been, so
All goodbyes
You think you left me alone,
well, think again
Yeah, you got me
hands up [indistinct]
Come on
I don't wanna get you
Gotta finish, man
And I don't care
if I loved you
[indistinct]
[Satan] Michael?
Michael.
I know you're here.
We need to talk.
Come out,
come out wherever you are.
Oh! Wait.
Whoa! I saw you.
I saw you.
Come out, come out.
No, you can't just
hide back behind the bush.
I already saw you.
You don't just disappear
when you go behind bushes.
This is Earth, okay?
Found the mean twink.
Now...
I just need
to find Waldo,
Carmen Sandiego
and Michael!
-What gave Ferdinand away?
-Oh, fuck!
You scared me.
[sniffs]
It's that goddamn cologne.
Smells like open cat ass.
-[sighs]
-It's holy water.
Really?
That makes sense.
It's like he's bathes in it.
I could smell it
from a mile away.
Ferdinand, to the limo.
I'll deal with you later.
A limo!
Michael, look at you.
Moving on up!
I dare say
your majesty,
to be in the presence of a man
who drives a limo.
Ugh! I'm truly humbled, sir.
I may just
deflower my trousers
right here and now.
Oh, oh, oh.
Cut the shit, Lucy!
You don't belong up here.
What is it gonna take...
for you to go back
to where you do belong?
Nothing.
I've almost won.
You lost.
That's why you're here.
I'll not have you going against
God's plan, problem child.
Hypocrite! Oh, shit!
Douchebag! God!
It's my seasonal allergies.
-Don't worry, I'll get over it.
-[sniffs]
Oh, do you remember the first
borns of Egypt, Michael?
Uh, Sodom and Gomorrah,
Hillary's emails?
Literally every time
humanity has been plagued
by disease and famine...
all God asked you
to do was fix it.
Well, what did you do?
Hmm?
Went a little
overkill maybe?
Sometimes quite literally?
What is the difference...
between us and them?
-[gasps]
-Oh, I know.
Pick me,
pick me, pick me.
Um, oh...
we don't die.
No, no, no.
Hang on. Phone a friend?
Anyone got a phone?
There's nobody here.
Uh, we don't pay taxes.
No, we don't poop.
They can reproduce.
God, I was so close!
So, let's just say I decimate
almost the entire population,
just to prove a point, just
to keep some moral authority,
just to keep
some divine rule.
Give it a century of their time
and they're back at it,
overpopulating the world.
They truly are
just a dime a dozen...
but they go
directly to heaven.
So, they automatically
get sucked up
the old heaven hole
to see meemaw and Sparky??
Okay. So, uh, what's the point?
What's the point of all this?
You sad,
pathetic little parasite!
If you have to ask
that question,
you don't deserve an answer.
I myself don't...
know why
he loves them so much,
but I don't have to.
I understand my design
and that is
all that is necessary.
You question yours
and by questioning it,
you altered it.
Now, you must carry that.
One must begin
as they mean to go on.
You know...
we're not
so different you and I.
-[smacks lips]
-Maybe.
Maybe not.
Hey.
Aren't you gonna stop me?
I cannot yet intervene.
[jazz music plays]

[crosstalk]
And I don't wanna get you,
not a business man
And I don't care
if I love you
I love her
[indistinct]
I can't seem
to find the time
To be on my own
[indistinct lyrics]
So I'll just go home
Okay, Dan. You just
gotta go up to her
[sniffs]
then all you gotta do
is profess your love
and show her
who you are.
You're such
a fucking pussy,
what the fuck would Satan do?
-[inhales deeply]
-All right.
Dan, go extend
your olive branch,
and by olive branch,
I mean penis.
So, the world
[indistinct] with beer
or fucking panties or something.
Stop, I can't do Satan.
And I don't
wanna get you
Not a business man
And I don't care
if I love you
I love her
[indistinct]
Yeah
Then I can't see
to find the time
To be on my own
Got a man
And I can't see
your face in time
So I'll just go
[high-pitched note]
[man] All right.
All right. All right.
I'll take that from you.
Okay. Thank you.
Nice job, round of applause
for them, everybody.
-[audience applauding]
-Thank you. All right.
-[audience cheering]
-Before we move on--
-[man shouting]
Before-- before we move on,
I just wanted to say
thank you all.
Before we move on
I just wanna say
thank you all very much
for coming.
This is my husband
and I's first
Saturnalia in our new home.
-[audience clapping]
-[man] Thank you, thank you.
-[audience applauding]
-[man] Thank you.
-Say something.
-[smooching]
Hey, yo, yo,
yo, yo, yo, yo.
-[crosstalk]
-What the hell?
-[man] Oh, what's up?
-Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
-That's on, yeah.
-Yeah. Fuck!
Whatever.
Da'Louis everybody.
[man]
Let him talk.
-Yeah!
-[man] Uh!
[Da'Louis] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
I need to hear you all.
Y'all ready to get
your ear holes fucked.
-[upbeat instrumental plays]
-[audience cheering]
-[Da'Louis] Yeah, yeah
-[audience cheering]
It's the Da'Louis, bitch
-[beatboxing]
-Uh, uh, uh, uh
I was 15
When I lost my brother
He went off to college,
yeah, just me
My dad, my sisters,
my grandma and my mother
We had a dog, too,
shitting and my dogs
In my house,
my kennel's roof
I'm temperamental,
my dick ain't never gentle
'Cause my dick be middle
-Oh, I got this
-It's nice.
What the fuck?
-I'm so sorry.
-I'm sorry.
Whoa! I don't talk
about the about the V
And we talking P-U
[Da'Louis sneezes]
There goes the lady
and we saying goodbye
Look at the unicorn
he's my guy
Beatboxing
all night, yeah
[door slams shut]
[coughs]
-Fuck!
-[sighs]
Jesus Christ!
You scared the shit out of me.
-[sniffs]
-[door clicks]
[Dan] I'm sorry.
I can go back in if you want.
-It's fine.
-[sniffs]
[sniffs]
So, you okay?
What happened
to your face?
[laughing]
Uh, a couple of guys
made the mistake
of thinking
I had money and--
You know, Da'Louis didn't
always used to be this way.
He used to be romantic
and-- and kind...
and really loving.
And then he dropped
outta college
and became whatever
the fuck that is in there.
Yeah.
God, you know what's funny?
A guy can just--
You can get so, like,
infatuated with a girl
and it's not healthy.
It's-- it's
a dangerous thing, infatuation.
But-- but it's like--
it's like all the movies
and all the books
and TV shows,
they-- they lie to us and...
they make us think
it is a good thing.
Like that all--
that all you have to do
is be obsessed with a girl
and she'll be yours.
Like--
like you're entitled to her.
[sighs]
You know
the most fucked up part?
Is that you'll--
you'll get rejected
just over and over and--
and then you blame the girl
and you-- you wanna
take it out on her
and hurt her 'cause--
'cause she hurt you.
[sighs]
-Oh, my God!
-[papers crackling]
It's for you.
It's, uh,
that's for that night,
I just--
I wanted to, uh,
you know, get some closure,
so I could
finally move on.
Oh, my God!
Dan, there's $3,000 in here.
Yeah.
I-- I know you told me that...
you had to go
to the hospital,
therapy and all that,
and I know that's not cheap.
And I know
that's not a lot--
It was the most
I could come up with,
but I ju--
I didn't come out here
to make
some kind of a grand gesture.
You know, I-- I just,
I-- I feel really bad
and I wanna
be square, okay?
Yeah. It's-- it's--
[sighs]
No one's ever done anything
this nice for me before.
Not even Da'Louis.
And so you're
over me just like that?
Like what?
-Like--
-[Da'Louis] Yo.
What the fuck!
-Da'Louis--
-You bitchy ass, motherfucker!
I thought told you
to stay away from my bitch!
Yo, you don't
deserve her, bitch.
[evil laughter]
You fucked
with the wrong dude, home boy!
-[Dan groaning]
-[Lilly] Dan!
-[Lilly] Da'Louis, stop.
-[groaning]
-[Lilly] Da'Louis!
-[groaning]
[Lilly]
Stop, Da'Louis!
-Shut up, bitch!
-[Lilly screams]
[Da'Louis] How many times
have I fucking told you?
You can't do
better than me.
You're fucking mine!
[door slams shut]
[indistinct chatter]
[thudding]
[ominous instrumental plays]
[indistinct chanting]

[thudding]

-[evil groaning]
-[thudding]

Uh!


["41" by Whyandotte plays]
Happy birthday
Y'all know
what it is
[indistinct lyrics]
Big man, I'm so broke,
it's fucking hurting my head
Let's go,
let's go, let's go
All praise
to the most high
Making waves
in a low tide
Small school
in a small pool
Too angry for lo-fi,
oh, shit
[indistinct cheering]
[audience cheering]
[audience clapping]
Catch me when I'm 30,
ain't tryna die an old man
Rap game Ron Simmons,
God never gave no damn
Nobody gave two shits,
now you assholes too pissed
I am better
than you bitch
You bitch,
you bitch, you bitch
Gotta stop swearing
but I swear to God it's true
-I am better than you bitch
-I want a fucking chance!
[laughing]
So, she sent you
a topless photo
with "love you"
on her tits?
I don't care what you think,
Brittany says she loves me.
[giggling]
Do you hear yourself?
You're trying
to justify cheating on me
because this Brittany bitch
says she loves you!
Well, she actually likes
giving head.
You always been complaining,
like, "Oh, my mouth hurts."
I never asked you
to pierce your dick!
Oh, well,
lots of porn stars got 'em
and it never stops him
from getting head.
Most have like maybe one.
Your shit looks like it
should be hiding in a puzzle box
waiting to murder people,
you fucking asshole!
[gasps]
Oh, hey. Hey, guys.
Let's bring it
down a notch, huh?
As the self-appointed
party doctor,
I'm gonna
have to prescribe some Imodium.
What, bitch? Don't even know
what you're saying!
Uh, ''cause you're
being a party pooper.
-Imodium?
-Hmm.
Can you get it?
He's not getting it.
Lilly, what do you say,
we ditch logic here
and go show JC's mom
what she's been missing, yeah?
-[Lilly] Yeah.
-Hey, motherfucker!
I-- I don't know how you
just magically you grew
a set of balls,
but I suggest that you take them
and you tuck them
in between your legs
while you walk away
before I cut 'em off
and feed 'em
to my homie Jamal's dog--
-[barking]
-Bitch!
Hey, Da'Louis, there's
a great corner over there
you can squat on
and sell meth,
what are you
still doing here, big dog?
-Dan, stop.
-Look.
I'm sure he's very upset
Mr. White died, okay?
But there's just no reason
to act like this, buddy.
-[punch thuds]
-[Da'Louis groaning]
-[punch thuds]
-[Da'Louis screaming in pain]
-Dan?
-Yeah.
If you want
better for yourself,
it's up to you
to take it.
Nobody else.
[Da'Louis groaning]
[Da'Louis]
Okay. Get back here, bitch.
[wheezing]
I got warrants, so--
Let's go.
[Da'Louis] You ain't-- you ain't
never doing better than me.
God! Every time
you open your mouth,
it's like you plant
a shit seed in my mind,
that grows
into an entire shit tree.
And then the winds
of self-questioning
and insecurity
blow it's leaves
all over my brain,
and plant more shit seeds.
Before you fucking know it,
I have an entire ecosystem
living in a goddamn
shit forest in my brain
that I tried
to burn down with alcohol
and impulsive decision making.
You went to two
Wiz Khalifa concerts, Da'Louis.
Two!
If you were to look up
cultural appropriation
and misogyny,
it would pop up with images
of you
and the domestic abuse hotline!
Oh, and FYI,
lasting for a minute and a half,
and whispering in my ear,
"You're welcome, ho,"
does not
make me cum any faster!
I now wait
until you fall asleep
at, like,
six o'clock in the morning
just to finish
myself off.
[laughing]
Saving you the embarrassment!
It's gotten so bad,
the sounds
of birds chirping turns me on.
[laughing] And so,
with that, I say, "Fuck you,
and have a nice life!"
[clumping footsteps]
So-- Whoa.
Does this mean no head tonight?
[sighs]
Thank you for that, Dan.
-Seriously.
-[smacks lips] Don't mention.
I wanted to do that
since I met the guy.
[Lilly laughing]
So, what?
Are you just some kind of
kind, heroic type guy now?
What happened to that creep
from this morning?
I don't know,
but, uh, I do a lot of thinking
about my priorities and, uh,
I think I got 'em straight.
-[Lilly] Yeah?
-Yeah.
That's a lot of growing to do
in one day, but I'll take it.
So, do you wanna
grab a drink or something?
Actually,
I gotta get some stuff done
and then we could just meet
at my place in, like, an hour.
[scoffs]
Okay, look, Dan.
I really don't feel
comfortable with that.
Uh, it's okay.
How about this?
You're comfortable with this?

[sighs]
[sniffs]
Okay, your place then.
-I'll text you the address.
-[Lilly laughs]
Uh, wait, Dan!
You don't have my number!
[Dan]
Oh, yes, I do.
[Crawley]
I'm so happy you decided
to join me this evening.
[cork popping]
Bourbon?
[student] Oh, um, Professor,
I'm only 20.
You mentioned something
about extra credit and that
you were gonna write me
a letter of recommendation.
Please...
have a drink first.
I won't tell if you don't.
Um, is this
the extra credit?
If you want it to be.
I was thinking maybe
you could
do an oral exam.
Say, do you see
that statue over there?
Mm-hmm.
That...
is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
He lost his ability
to hear at a very young age,
but despite his handicap,
he still
had an impeccable sex drive
and never lost the ability
to create masterful symphonies.
Some say most of his work
exudes sex.
What do you say
I throw some on,
and you tell me
if you can hear it?
Wasn't Beethoven
the deaf one?
[laughing]
[knock on door]
Oh, come on!
Now, who the hell
could that be at this hour?
Nonsense!
Absolute nonsense!
Stay right here, darling.
[clumping footsteps]
Dan? Do you have
any idea how late it is?
I've got
a girl in here, man!
[shushing]
[thud]
Jesus, Dan! What the hell
is wrong with you?
Wrong on both counts, Professor,
and I'll tell you--
["Rondo Alla Turca"
by Mozart playing]
You. Girl.
I'm in a good mood tonight.
Get outta here.
[door creaking]
The grade is not
worth it, sweetheart.
Shit...
Always a chase.
[Crawley] Shit...
[music intensifying]
[groaning]
Ooh... gnarly.
That smarts, huh?
Ooh, Mozart.
[gasping]
Please, Daniel.
This isn't right! Why?
Wrong again, prof.
You know, like you, my concern
really isn't with what's right.
No, my concern lies more
with disgusting predators
preying on
the shepherd less flock.
Nave young women who think,
for whatever reason,
these predators
have something to offer.
Creepy old men walking around
deluding themselves
into thinking
they're living
their lives so much better
than everybody else.
When-- when in reality
your own colleagues
don't even respect ya.
You piece of shit!
[music continues]
"See, through me you pass
into the city of woe.
Into unending pain.
Through me, among those lost
for aye.
Justice maker
of my fabric moved.
Behind me, supremest wisdom,
and primeval love.
Before me, things
create were none, save things.
Eternal, and eternal
I shall remain."
Unlike you.
[metal rattling]
"Abandon all hope
ye who enter here."
Fuck you,
and fuck Shakespeare!
You cunt!
[music continues]
It's Dante, actually.
[Crawley screaming]
Not that a fuckwit like you
would know that.
You need help, Daniel.
Serious help, please!
Oh...
I'm helping Danny boy now.
[Crawley snorts]
[thudding]

Oops.
[flesh squelching]
[whimpering]
Man, I'm gonna get so swole.
I'm gonna
kick that bitch's ass.
[groaning]
Golly!
[breathing heavily]
Oh, thank God!
[giggles] "Drink me homie."
Thank you.
Ooh!
Oh!
Yeah, that'll do.
Oh!
Oh. Oh, no way!
[laughs] Oh, shit, homie.
Uh, no way!
That's like
the holy ground right there.
[smacks lips]
Oh, that's, like, 100 proof.
Oh, that's
a fountain of youth.
I got a [indistinct] up
this shit live stream.
Oh, oh!
Oh, baby, wait, wait.
Yo, what's up,
my Da'Louisers?
What's happening?
You ready for this?
[exclaiming in excitement]
We're out here doing
what nobody else is doing.
Not the big names,
not the little names,
no nothing.
We got a straight pool
full of liquor right here.
We swimming like we little
sea turtles up in this bitch.
We-- we got the goose,
it's on the loose.
It's still gray, we using
just all our cavities.
We need our nose,
our mouth, everything.
Get ready for the after effects,
it's gonna be awesome.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
What! We getting
all in there.
Survival of the fittest,
that's me, son.
Oh, yeah.
[laughing] Oh, yeah.
Ho, hos, bitches,
hit me up if you're trying
to turn up.
You know
what I'm saying?
[laughs]
-[ominous instrumental playing]
-[slurping]
[breathes heavily]
[sobbing] Man, fuck you,
Lilly, you fucking bitch
and your fake ass boyfriend.
[sobbing]
Oh, I love you.
[ominous
instrumental intensifying]
You wanna breathe,
little baby?
Take a breath.
You can breathe in here.
You can breathe in here.
I swear, I blessed these waters.
I'm gonna baptize you
in the light
of the morning star, bitch!
I'm gonna baptize
he who had sinned.
He who had bitten
from the apple.
He who lays
his hands on falsehoods.
And now I lay my hands
on you and I'll show you
your only salvation, buddy.
You getting cold, big guy?
You getting cold?
It's all right.
One more big breath for me
and you're gonna find out
who killed Tupac,
I swear to God!
One more. Come on.
You can do it. Easy.
[frightening
instrumental playing]
[harmonious
instrumental playing]
[whistling]
You annoying little fuck!
You got me
running all over town
trying to clean up your mess.
And you know,
I hate running.
Oh, this shit is over.
Oh, hell yeah.
That's your ass,
behold motherfucker!
God has
gifted me with a weapon
to smack your punk ass
back to the fiery
depth of hell.
Let's go bitch!
[dramatic
orchestral music playing]
What you gonna do?
Uh, yeah.
I'm gonna go this way.
[groans] Oh, Dan does
not take care of his body.
[Gabe]
You got me running!
Panting heavily]
And now I banish--
Fuck! Banish
your ass back to hell.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute here!
A toy sword?
-What? No!
-[Dan] Yeah, it is.
Oh, it's not a toy.
It's a collector's item.
-[laughing]
-[Gabe] What?
Let me get this straight.
Big guns,
upstairs, the big guy
he gave Michael what?
This epic ancient
flaming holy sword.
And what did he give you?
What, is that from
the pawn shop down the street?
I can see the tag on it.
[laughing]
Ha, made you look.
I'm getting
nothing from Kabib here.
He's just giving me nothing.
[groaning]
Geez, Louis, you guys
had me sweating there!
Is that even a sword
or are you just happy to see me?
[laughing]
It's not even sharp.
What are you gonna do?
LARP me to death!
LARP? What the fuck is LARP?
It's an acronym.
Live Action Role Play.
Oh, you'll love it,
it's for losers like you,
-they get all dressed up--
-[Gabe] You motherfucker!
Uh, you little bitch!
That hurt!
Why you always
gotta be like this, man!
Why you always
gotta be a dick!
A dick?
Wha-- Why didn't he
give me a dick then?
Think about it.
He gives all these
motherfuckers penises.
They're walking around
slinging 'em like this
or whatever
they fucking do with it.
It's just smooth
down there for me.
It's like a--
it's like a doll--
like an action figure, I mean.
And I'm just
sitting down there
watching everybody
get jack rabbit fucked,
booty claps,
slapping that flesh,
fucking tits
and dicks everywhere,
and I'm just sitting there
watching like a fucking cuck.
And I can't even jerk off!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna
go gorilla fuck
this broad's lights out
with my brand new hog.
[snorts] Pig!
[rock music playing]
What's up, buddy?
It's showtime. You ready?
You fucker.
[panting]
It's--
[yelling]
[Dan] Lars, buddy,
where have you been?
I have been looking
everywhere for you, man.
I was--
I was in the party
and then--
and then I went
to the Mexican
restaurant downtown
and then I was
at the new gelato place
and you were
in none of those places, man!
You must not have been
looking very hard, buddy,
'cause I was
in all of those places.
-Damn!
-Oh, yeah.
I must have
just missed you.
And then
my bike's tire got a flat
and I had to walk.
God, I can barely stand.
Yeah. I can see that.
Hey, haven't you been
running every day
for the last
three months, bud?
Uh, yeah,
but this, uh,
was more running.
Yeah, I'm sure
it was lard.
I mean, Lars, Lars.
Hey, hey,
that wasn't very nice.
I'm sorry.
It-- it slipped out.
-It just slipped out.
-Wait.
Are you still Dan
or are you Satan yet?
Why?
[scoffs] Would you relax,
Perv-bury Doughboy?
Yes, I'm Dan.
Of course I'm Dan.
He possessed me
for a brief moment
and then I had
this-- this beautiful kiss
with Lilly
under a star lit sky.
And the power of true love,
it cast him from my body
right back
to the depths of hell
where he belongs.
And now, Lilly is in the shower
getting ready for yours truly.
-[laughs]
-Really?
-Yeah, really.
-Dude!
-Right.
-Man, uh.
-That's a relief, man.
-Yeah.
God! Hey, you know what?
-Good for you, dude.
-Good for me.
Uh, that-- that chick,
she is finer
than Egyptian sand man!
[papers crackling]
[breathes heavily]
You're fucked! Whack!
[evil laughter]
And the sinner's naked
with nowhere to hide,
must suffer
the cold torrents from above...
[Lars groaning]
...and the frozen
paste from below.
[Lars groaning louder]
See you never, loser.
Geez!
[sentimental
piano music playing]
[Dan yelling indistinctly]
Fuck God! Yeah!
[Dan moaning loudly]
Really sweet!
-[Lilly moaning]
-Boom!
[ear ringing]
[knocking in the distance]
[ominous instrumental]
Isn't this beautiful?
[Dan exhales sharply]
Yeah, it really is.
[knocking in the distance]
Wait, am I dead?
Is-- is this a dream?
Am I dreaming?
This has all been
a dream, Danny boy.
My dream. Come true.
Okay.
What if--
what if I wanna wake up?
That is your choice.
You do have a choice.
But, you know, sometimes
it's easier
to live in one's dream
than one's, uh, reality,
if you know what I mean.
I'm not really sure
how to feel about that.
You should feel privileged, Dan.
You-- you helped
fulfill a prophecy.
Helped bring about
the apocalypse.
We're Pac-ky bros.
[laughing]
I don't--
If this was
your plan the whole time,
I just don't understand why me.
Dan, oh,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please don't give me
that bullshit, Dan.
I don't wanna hear
one more fucking moment
of your sad sack, Dan.
If I--
You-- you know what?
If I got-- You're--
You got a stupid face, Dan.
You got
a real stupid face. Yeah.
I'm so sick
to death of your face.
I think the world's
sick of your face, Dan.
Everybody sees you
and you're like
the fat kid on the playground.
Can't explain it.
They don't know why.
That face is so punchable,
they just wanna
beat the shit out of it.
Yeah.
Look, if I'm gonna
take-- take the reins,
take control of somebody,
what do you think?
I'm gonna go
for the-- the Pope?
Am I gonna make it
harder for myself?
No, no, no, no,
no, no, Danny.
See, you...
you're stupid,
you're lazy,
you're easy.
You're driftwood.
It's so easy
to just push you
in a direction.
Look, I could have
gone a different way.
I could have totally gone
a different way, but, you know,
Jared Leto's schedule
was chalk full
of so much bullshit.
So much!
[sighs]
[whispering] Jared Leto.
-Yeah.
-You know, big guy
is not a big fan
of him either.
Mm, yeah,
great universal unifier there.
We all hate Jared Leto.
Ice cream?
[Satan]
Oh, it's so fucking good.
Why do you hate
humanity so much?
I don't hate humanity.
I love you guys.
I love you so much,
I wanna spend
the rest of eternity with you.
Forever and always.
[knocking getting closer]
See, I wanna give you
true freedom of will.
I just wanna
set you free.
I'm just not acting like
I'm doing it like you know who.
Now, see,
I'm gonna give it to you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh...
I don't really know if
I wanna wake up now, you know?
[knocking getting closer]
Wanna wind back
the clock, right?
Take it all back.
Make better choices.
Yeah, I understand,
but unfortunately...
that's even
out of my jurisdiction.
Yeah.
Gotta live
with those choices, Dan.
Live with them.
See, unfortunately,
you made the decision
that has plagued mankind
since the dawn of time.
You were
thinking with your dick.
[laughing]
Deuces sucker!
[transcendent
orchestral music playing]
[music continues]
[knocking echoes]
[groaning]
[frightening
instrumental playing]
[panting]
[banging on floor]
[frightening
instrumental intensifying]


[knocking on door]
-Gabriel?
-[Gabe] Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Come on in.
I was
a little skeptical at first,
I will admit,
about hiring a man,
but your resume
speaks for itself.
Thank you so much
for being here.
I'm so grateful.
I really am surprised
you even wanted the job.
Everybody's been out
trying to do their part
in rebuilding the community,
I've just been feeling so bad
I haven't been
able to do mine.
So thank you again.
I'm so happy.
Oh, child.
That's no problem.
I'm always happy
to help a child in need.
Well, I, uh-- I kinda wish
you would've come earlier
so I could have
shown you around,
but you have
my number and, um,
there's-- there's bottles
in the fridge if you need it.
-And I just put Lucy down so...
-Wait.
She should
sleep through the night.
Lucy?
[laughing loudly]
Whoo, child!
[laughing]
All right. Mm-hmm.
-[Melissa] Yeah.
-Okay.
So, anyway,
I am already running late.
So if you need
absolutely anything,
you call me, okay?
-Mm-hmm.
-[Melissa] Thank you again.
-Thank you. Thank you.
-Have a wonderful day.
[Melissa]
You too.
-[ominous instrumental playing]
-[door clicking closed]
[laughing]
[music box playing]
Hi, little Lucy.
[laughing]
Can't start
no shit now, can you?
You know,
I was worried at first.
You caused a lot of weird shit
to happen around here.
You caused a lot of
motherfucking problems.
That's all right.
You can't do shit
like this, can you, baby?
Nah, nah, nah.
[laughing]
And you know what?
I'm gonna be here to keep
an eye on you little ass.
We won, bitch! We won.
-[Lucy crying]
-Huh? What? What was that?
Oh, you can't
talk shit now, can you?
No words now, huh?
You ain't got
no dick now, do you?
Can't go spreading
your funky, stinking ass
little seed around,
now, can you?
-[Lucy crying]
-Huh? What?
Goo-goo-ga-ga.
You little ugly, fuck,
all a shit in your mouth.
But that's all right.
And Lucy, by the way,
you made a ugly ass baby.
You buck tooth, cock eyed.
Your eyes are cocked
like a motherfucking pistol.
Look at your fucked up feet.
Look like you've been
kicking brick walls.
Can't stand your ugly ass,
but that's all right
-because I'm gonna be here...
-[Lucy crying]
and I'm gonna be
the one who raised you.
You little motherf--
Fuck your mama!
["With my Love"
by Red Linen Antlers playing]
Oh, but I can't be at home
No, I'll still feel alone
And I can't carry on
Without you
So if home
is where the heart is
That's why
I'll give mine to you
And if you say
that you'll hold me
We can be
no longer lonely
Because all I want
Is to be by your side
And when the time
we have is gone
I hope you're satisfied
With my love
With my love
And in the time
from now 'til then
I'll be here
by your side
With my love
With my love
It can be so hard
To give your heart
to someone else
But I know
You'll keep me
safe and warm
And when I say
I love you
Know my love
will never die
You and I
You and I
And when the time
we have is gone
I hope you're satisfied
With my love
With my love
And in the time
from now 'til then
I'll be here by your side
With my love
With my love
[music fades]