Saturnin (1994) Movie Script
Czech television
presents
I know I would be well advised
to offer you a cocktail.
Screenplay
But if you take me for being impertinent
I cannot let this calumny lie.
Director of Photography
Directed by
If it seems that I impose upon you,
Accept me or not, as the case may be.
You can always send me to the place
no-one likes to go.
Dr Vlach and I meet in the
coffee-house every Sunday
and we had no reason
to change this habit
despite a lot of changes
happened to me.
Last week I hired a man-servant,
even though it may seem odd to many.
His name is Saturnin and
I very much liked
his appearance as well as
his decent demeanour.
Thanks to him my life is now filled
with new experiences and surprises.
For me, life was like suddenly stepping
on a sledge hidden under snow.
In such a situation, it is
possible to maintain a cool head
head but not the balance nor to
protect the backside.
Nevertheless it was not displeasing and
I think it was all worth.
Bang!
You'd be a good target, a very good one.
But no-one here would
be capable of such an originality.
You mean harpooning whales or
a championship in shooting
earthen pigeons?
I appreciate your sense of humour.
Honestly, I always had the opinion
that you were rather a lunkhead.
Coffee, coffee, soda water,
soda water, ashtray!
And surprisingly, you are not.
Humanity can be divided according to
the "caf-man-doughnuts bowl" theory.
The first man,
who has no sense of humour,
will just look at a plate of doughnuts
perhaps even till lunch.
The second one entertains
himself by thinking about
someone bombing the
others with the doughnuts.
The third one is so fascinated
by the idea
that he gets up and starts throwing.
Oh no!
Such people don't exist, I hope.
Then where would you place Saturnin?
- Excuse me.
- No!
Excuse me, madam.
Let me inform you sir,
that we have moved.
We're living on a boat now
near the Legions' Bridge.
Fine, Saturnin. Thank you.
Near the Legions' Bridge?
Not a chance!
It would suit him, if I fainted!
No, I won't be taken in by him.
I wonder about your conservative
way of understanding the world:
You think that, if you had a flat
this morning, you need to have it now.
Anyway, your old, calm and romantic
flat was like a primeval cave.
And your fondness of it
is just a heritage from
your cave-dwelling ancestors.
- Your flat has a ponderous air about it.
- You exaggerate as usually, doctor.
I've brought you some doughnuts
for your journey, Mr. Oulick.
Thank you.
And I got so much accustomed to you...
The man, who calls you
"The beatified" and "My lord",
Mr. Saturnin told me
you're going to the North Pole
and that he has to
clean your weapons.
Don't distress yourself, I'll send
you a postcard of a polar bear.
A polar bear?
Welcome, captain.
The boat's ready, dinner is prepared.
Let me take those. Doughnuts
will be served with coffee.
Your boat, your favorite armchair,
your dinner. Bon appetite.
- It is the steamboat Prague.
- Does this earthquake happen often?
Twice a day.
But usually the horn is sounded
before the bridge and
there is time to prepare.
Better to flee to dry land.
- Would you like the lights on?
- Yes, please.
But if it means swinging
or sinking the boat,
I would rather dine in the dark.
It is quite romantic.
Would you like a candle, gas lamp
or just an electric light?
I have not seen any
electric cables.
I suppose they're submerged.
Is it safe?
We are not dependent on
power plants, captain.
I think I'd prefer the gas lamp
in the end.
By the way, recently my friends
started asking me strange questions.
My friends think I hunt beasts of prey.
Or they want me to talk about
killing a shark with
a camera tripod.
My boss asked me to sell him
a crocodile tooth.
When I excused for
not having any,
he asked me to remember him
during the next expedition.
I do not hunt neither tigers nor sharks.
And I am terrified by crocodiles.
I would very much appreciate
if you stopped
convincing my friends
of such nonsense.
That will be difficult.
They believe
you shot all these animals.
Is anyone down there?
Are you down there, Mr. Oulick?
- I'm looking for Mr. Ji Oulick.
- How can I help you?
I'm coming down.
Thanks God I found you!
Marcus Aurelius has escaped.
Please, follow me. For sure we can
catch him with your help.
A man of unsound mind!
I'm not sure I understand.
Don't be so modest.
Who else than you?
Just don't forget
to get your rifle.
- You'd better not be involved in this!
- I swear to you that I am not.
But I think you ought to help that man.
- But he's deranged!
- Who, Marcus Aurelius?
Both of them.
- Haven't you got a weapon?
- No.
Mr. Oulick.
I'm the director of the zoo. I admire
your willingness and courage.
I'm sorry I didn't see you catch
the lion with your bare hands.
Next time, hopefully.
- Thank you, once again.
- I thank you, too.
- Saturnin, Marcus Aurelius is a lioness.
- No-one's perfect, sir.
- Few women have straight legs, eh?
- They need you on court, boy.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
My partner hasn't arrived and
yours neither, as I see.
Shall we have a game,
we should not be lying idle!
I'd be very glad to.
- You play without a racket?
- No, of course, sorry.
Are you ready?
- Shall we take a break?
- In the middle of the set?
We need to rest, have a drink...
Do you also take rests
when you're hunting a beast?
In that case, it's quite the opposite.
It's a training wall, sir.
As far as I am concerned,
it is a faux-pas
to went down 3:0
with Miss Terebov.
My God, Saturnin!
Where did you learn to play tennis?
I used to coach a certain
lady in Nice for some time.
I wouldn't be surprised at all
to know that
you are a champion
in swimming under ice.
The play of tennis is based on sending
a ball on the opponent's side
as swiftly as possible and
as low as possible over the net,
which is this line on the wall
in our case,...
... which we'll have to make higher.
I'm going to play billiards, I'll dine out.
Postpone all disasters at tomorrow,
and don't move us anywhere else,
if I can ask.
To be honest,
you surprised me.
Your new flat speaks of
courage and a sporting spirit.
Do you know how many boats
sink each year?
But all of them do not sink on
the Vltava river, don't they?
No, but all of them
hit the bottom.
The ship's boiler might also explode
blowing up the crew far and wide.
Our boat hasn't got a boiler.
My uncle Frantiek was
the last explosives expert.
God rest his soul.
Do you remember his
most famous explosion?
Even months after that I was
approaching a soap with
my face turned away and
shivers running down my spine.
Uncle Frantiek had a laboratory
smelling with dangerous inflammables.
And he was a husband of
my aunt Kateina.
To make fine soap from fine
materials is not an art.
But to make soap from filth and grime
lying everywhere around
is a task for real scientists!
Mr. vitora,
you will hold this vessel.
Mr. Vn, screw on
the compressed oxygen pipe.
But carefully!
And you, gentlemen,
you pour this in there
when I say.
And you, Mr. Vn, turn the
valve in the right moment.
- Will it turn out as soap, sir?
- Blast it, if I know.
Originally he had 20 employees,
but only a few had enough imagination.
In this time, only
the most loyal remained,
who believed that Waterloo
can only happen once in history.
- Really, gentlemen!
- You said there'd be a blast!
I'm making soap, not dynamite.
We are respectable company.
I was just fulminating!
It wasn't meant so literal.
His staff then said that
they had families
and had gone to find safer
work in an explosives factory.
What are we waiting for?
- Can I help you, madam?
- Put my luggage on the boat!
I am an aunt of Ji and
you can call me a lady.
I fear you are not expected.
Welcome a guest and you
welcome God.
My version of that proverb
is somewhat different.
Welcome on board, old chap!
Don't "old chap" me when you can't
even do up your pajamas properly.
Ji!
I was absolutely desperate.
Sun is always the best medicine, Ji.
It's too dark in our flat and the spa's
too expensive. And Milou is so ill...
There's fresh air and sun on a boat.
He'll be right as rain here.
The more the merrier.
Two heads are better than one.
- Too many cooks spoil the broth.
- This is my man-servant, Saturnin.
I have already had the honour
to meet him.
- No smoking on board, boy.
- Who asked you?
I really did not want to offend you.
Your man-servant has
a bit strange manners, hasn't he?
I am afraid, my dear aunt, that
this boat is too small for four people.
As long as my dear husband was still alive
supplying the whole family with floor wax,
nobody dared to deny help to me.
However the wood was turning
black after applying the wax
and sorry for saying it straight,
the floor disgustingly stank.
Give a dog a bad name...
Anyway, it's a nice boat.
I'll mend the sail tomorrow.
This boat does not run
on a sail, but on a propeller.
Your boat hasn't got a sail,
my nephew?
We have to buy a sail for the pole!
Poles are used for putting out flags
during important ceremonies.
The thing, which sails lift onto,
is called a mast.
There is nothing on this boat, a sail could be
lifted on. This boat doesn't have a mast.
Oh my dear, that's true.
I'm tired, anyway. Let's go to bed.
Good night.
Milou!
Dr Vlach says that if we find
the idyll, we'll stop appreciating it.
Fate would be doing us a good turn
if it suddenly turned frosty.
Fate threw me out of my cabin.
I can only miss the frost out here.
Do I understand it well,
that you would feel relief,
if your aunt and Milou
decided to leave the boat?
It is night and
they're in their pajamas.
I can't imagine their departure
to occur without casualties.
It's half past ten.
By midnight your boat will be empty.
- Is that you, Milou?
- What?
I am very sorry to disturb you, but based on the experience
of previous nights, I've brought you some masks.
Is there a carnival going on, or what?
Not really. We've got rats here, who
enjoy scampering across faces of sleepers.
My recommendation is to put on
these masks during the whole night
to prevent direct contact with those animals.
You've got rats here?
I prefer rather not to talk about it,
but in fact you are absolutely right.
Milou!
I give it one minute,
two at most.
Some are wise, some are otherwise.
You just needed to say the word.
To finding Advent masks in July
was one of the most diffucult tasks
I have ever performed.
- What if she hadn't believed us?
- I would have gone to find some rats.
This would not be as difficult.
Life is wonderful!
- What's happening, Saturnin?
- I fear we've encountered a weir!
- What weir?
- The big one, by Charles Bridge.
- Is this boat insured?
- Of course.
- Where's the next weir?
- Near tvanice, but that one's hefty.
- Did he really say 50 years?
- Yes, but on 3 conditions.
That we sail to the North Pole at least once,
that we name the boat after his fiance
and that we name the first land
we discover after him.
What is his fiance called?
Lili, I think. Or Fifi?
Nonetheless they're about to separate.
He'll let us know when he
finds another fiance.
I decided to go on holiday to see my
grandpa, who used to run a power station.
Actually he was a member of any club
which had anything to do with electricity.
I loved visiting him at the power station
or at his home, which was 100% electrified.
It fascinated me as a boy and I must confess
that it keeps fascinating me until now.
The director wishes you the best of
health and sends you this brandy.
Gentlemen don't drink alcohol before noon.
Not even on holiday!
That is true.
But something terrible has happened!
Don't trifle with me, Saturnin.
Is it really that bad?
Yes. We have a saying: There's no
stopping a woman with a mission.
Aunt Katerina and Milou
have just arrived.
I do not mind
if he wants someone to serve him...
But I insist on Saturnin
not to behave like a lout to me!
Dear aunt, Saturnin was
invited to this house; unlike some.
Saturnin, you didn't greet aunt Katerina?
I clearly remember saying:
"My dear, how do you do."
No! He screw up his face and said:
"Oh dear, how do you do".
- So he did, then.
- This is dreadful!
- I'm going for a walk.
- I'll help the director in his garage.
Milou!
Welcome. Grandpa said he'd be long
dead before you got here.
He'll only die if his greedy heirs
finish him off.
Not this time. Grandpa wants to
accelerate his departure from this world.
This morning, Saturnin was
asked to teach grandpa jujitsu.
Breathe slowly and take the basic posture...
It may not be jujitsu, but
it might work on aunt Katerina.
- She's here as well?
- She's everywhere.
- Welcome. I'm not doing so well.
- But you look better.
How's the jujitsu going?
- Tumitsu, Saturnin?
- Haisatsu is better, sir.
Tumitsu is not bad, but
Haisatsu will be much more effective.
Haisatsu!
Are you all right?
I've got two broken legs, a few broken
ribs and concussion.
Oh no, I think I've
just sprained my ankle.
- What kind of hold is this?
- First aid, sir.
- Has Miss Terebov arrived?
- Which Miss Terebov?
My friend engineer Tereba's daughter.
A nice young lady.
I forgot to pack your tennis racket.
- Plaster is unwelcome on holiday, isn't it?
- Miss Barbora has arrived.
- Let's have a look, then.
- Are you going to X-ray my right foot?
- Yes.
- But I injured the left one.
Yes of course... We need to take both
legs so we can compare them.
- Ouch!
- Sorry, I didn't catch that.
Dr Zajek is very thorough. He says
it's nothing. Perhaps he's right.
- Sorry to disturb. We're ready to go.
- Have you got a permit to leave?
- No.
- You have to get one from the office. Right?
- Where is the office?
- There's no-one there now.
- How do we obtain a permit, then?
- You get one from the office.
- From whom, if no-one's there?
- No-one.
But they conveyed us here,
so must must be some permit.
Yes, but this is just for the journey to hospital.
That's what ambulances are for.
Ambulance is used for a quick transport,
when the patient is in danger.
- Is the driver a relative of yours?
- No. Why?
I'm still trying to negotiate here.
You might hear someone in distress.
In such a case, pretend deafness.
The vehicle's just standing idle
and the journey takes just half an hour.
This option is excluded. I would have to
register it as the patient's journey.
But then I would be missing the patient.
You'll be the patient soon!
You will be partly in the surgical and
partly in psychiatric department.
Just write in the permit that one of
the parts hasn't survive the journey!
Where have you been? It's going to rain!
- It's dangerous. Will we get through?
- Of course we will.
If this was a film, the bridge would
be swept away by the water
and the flesh splits a hundred years old lime
growing on the river side.
Perhaps you really did kill
that shark.
Once a child, always a child!
I told him he'd catch a chill!
- Like water off a duck's back!
- Right. But what are you talking about?
Grandpa took his raincoat and
boots and went out into the storm.
He's just curious. He wants to see
the competition making electricity.
It's the last straw that
breaks the camel's back.
Well, the bridge is broken.
Cook's on the other side.
This place is suitable as a power
station but not a house.
Milou, Milou, my boy.
What have you got growing there?
Better hold a hankie in front
of your face.
I'm expecting an important letter.
The postman has to get through!
The electricity's not working.
- Someone's got to see to the kitchen.
- I'll go and have a look.
I can't swim, but I had better swam over
the river than having Kateina as the cook.
I'll find some alternative lighting.
Alternative lighting? In this house?
I'm going to make some torches.
It's raining and there's no electricity.
At least Barbora's here.
Miss Terebov permitted you
to call her Barbora?
Don't be silly. She hasn't gone unnoticed.
You take a fancy to twenty-somethings?
You're too old for that.
I bet you that by the end of the week...
- Help! His whiskers are on fire!
- Get some water!
- Not water! Sand!
- Sand!
How would you act, Saturnin,
having received an unusual request?
I am longing my whole life
to receive unusual requests.
We agreed that Saturnin would
pursue Milou relentlessly
on land, at sea and in the air
using any fraud possible
out of revenge for Milou referring
to Miss Terebov in that manner.
Did grandpa really ask Milou
to go out and look for worms?
It seems impossible to go
fishing in a swollen river.
He was not that accurate, but
he said exactly that idleness
could destroy a young man completely.
Chess rules do not permit
long and short castling.
I know! I'll put it back.
I doubt that the young lady could cook.
I've brought you some stewed fruit.
I do not want stewed fruit.
I want to play chess!
Chess requires concentration.
Impossible with aunt Katerina around.
What about a glass of milk?
I'll leave you, then.
- I've got some worms.
- I do not want worms. I want to play chess!
- Check.
- Those are my figures, my grandpa.
- No!
- Yes! The table is laid.
Who shut Milou in his room?
Silence speaks louder than words.
When I met Saturnin,
he had only the best references.
Except for the last one,
which was missing completely.
You either stand too far
away to hear me,
or you stand too near
so that it is socially unacceptable.
Please, find the optimal distance
and keep it. Eh...
Yes, I wanted a rose and
this is a rose in fact.
but totally unseemly for a person of my age
and for the color of my dress.
Simply un-seem-ly!
It's disgraceful serving me
meringue at my age!
No, no! Absolutely not!
The table is laid.
- Lunch was excellent, Miss Barbora.
- You have our appreciation.
- We need food, let's go mushrooming!
- Wonderful idea!
- Easy won, easy lost.
- Go elsewhere if you don't like it.
- Old people shouldn't eat mushrooms.
- Then don't eat them!
- We won't find any mushrooms like this.
- We must split into two groups.
We'll draw for it.
Give me some matches.
Those who draw the same
length will pair up.
And the oldest draw first.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry.
No head on mine!
We keep choosing but we still
come back to the first variant.
- No head on mine, either.
- Come on, Ji.
Just as well we found so many mushrooms.
Auntie gave all the food to Milou.
- Don't you want jam on those?
- Did they leave us any?
I sense optimism.
That's a good thing.
How many days do we have before
one of us has to brave the water
and cross the river to get food?
Ji, don't look at me!
3 to 4 days. If we do not eat much.
No need to worry, I've arranged
with the builder
that if the old bridge is washed away
he'll build a new one immediately.
Allow me, young man.
- You did that on purpose!
- I am neither malicious nor spiteful.
Sit on it properly, silly boy!
Only my chair collapses, twice in a row.
And during the night someone's
been moving my furniture about.
I got nearly killed, when I needed...
to go out of my room.
My birch water was replaced
with paraffin!
Someone put a wasp in my boots
and it bit me!
- Wasps don't bite!
- Well, this one did!
People get cabin fever
when they're always together.
Like us. Let's go on an outing
to my log cabin, then.
We can spend the night in the
log cabin and then go into town.
Whoever wants can stay here and
we'll bury him when we get back.
- What if someone doesn't last out?
- We'll throw him to the wild animals.
Or we might directly shoot him.
- Don't know what group I belong in.
- Don't use your tennis as a gauge.
Sorry, I thought you were a robber.
- Get off, Saturnin!
- Sorry, sir.
Why are you fighting?
Who broke that vase?
Who gave Milou a weapon?
Who's ringing the doorbell?
I put a match there so we'd know
when the electricity was working.
- I can hear someone talking.
- It's in Spanish.
I am sorry to say it, but
all the food's disappeared!
Let's ask Saturnin.
We don't bring the servants into this.
But we all pleaded not guilty
and so he's the only suspect now.
Who would suspect Saturnin?
You make your bed, you lie in it.
[a row of meaningless sayings]
Just as long as we don't end up
serving Saturnin.
- No use crying over spilt milk.
- Someone drank the milk, not spilt.
I've got an important letter waiting
for me and we're arguing about food!
I am reporting that no-one has
started building a new bridge yet.
Someone driven by hunger, which
may be rightful, but hardly justifiable,
has eaten all the food.
Do you know anything about it?
- This is getting ridiculous!
- Don't interfere, Katerina!
Please, let me leave now.
Madam Katerina will tell you herself.
- Let's talk in private.
- You can talk here.
Nothing, in such a case!
- Call Saturnin back.
- Saturnin took the food...
...on my order.
Whenever there's danger,
women and children have to go first!
So, you want to leave the weaker
of us to the wild beasts.
Milou and I were hungry. We thought
we wouldn't make the journey.
That's why we ate everything!
I didn't know mother took the food...
...stole in fact. I'm sorry for eating it.
I'm not a child and I don't want
any mercy to be taken on me.
Our mistake. We made light of
a danger which poses no threat.
I wanted to ask you Milou,
if you could take my knapsack?
Goes without saying.
- There's a deer over there.
- Where?
- Between the beech trees.
- I can't see it.
- You have to look from here.
- It's wonderful!
You're like a young man again!
A sound mind in a healthy body.
You mustn't believe all those proverbs.
I know a man taken five times to a
hospital. Always badly bitten by a dog.
He thought a dog's bark
is worse than his bite.
A friend of mine stayed here and
he said he'd leave the key here.
Dear doctor, I appreciate your
sense of humor.
In Prague you said climbing trees
is extremely beneficial.
I thought it's just another metaphor.
Then I didn't find the key but a note
saying the key was up in a tree.
I suspected the worst.
It wasn't 5 meters, but 7 meters up.
Driven by anger, I firstly tried to climb
the tree with a rucksack on my back.
But it turned out well in the end.
I spent a lovely week here.
I am repaying it in your style.
Follow my example and your pool
will make you an Olympian.
I wish you good diving.
The key is in the pool.
- How deep is it?
- About 2 meters.
- 3 meters? 4 perhaps?
- It's not that deep.
- Come on, doctor. Jump!
- Jump what?
One, two, three, jump.
Uaaah!
For goodness sake!
That was a terrible dive!
Some people love water
and nobody can stop them.
Is this the one, doctor?
I'm going to make a speech!
It was all uphill yesterday, my friends.
Today it's all downhill.
Your effort will be rewarded! When
we get to the town we'll dine in style.
Hooray!
Aah!
- Hang on, grandpa!
- It'll be all right. Pull it gently.
- Upwards?
- No, pull to the right!
No, gently move it to the left!
Why don't you all pull your leg?
You'll tear me up!
I told you: Don't count your chickens
before you're out of the woods!
Wouldn't it be nice to spend
the night here, my friends?
Don't be ridiculous!
There's nothing else for it.
Madam, your blanket.
You take two blankets.
You're injured.
- Where did you get the blankets?
- In my rucksack.
- Are you going to do your speech now?
- Yes: "Good night!"
- We've got a hard day tomorrow.
- Good night.
You ought to have a shave.
- What's the matter, Milou?
- I saw you.
Let's hasten in search of
the Sokol banner.
May our land be troubled
until the battle ceases.
Each stand in their place
so long as the battle wages.
He who renounces his land, the blade
will find his traitorous chest!
- Are you going to have a wash?
- No, and I'm not shaving, either.
Great idea, Saturnin.
I should have remembered as well.
- I've got a bottle like that in the cabin.
- I know, this is it, doctor.
Hunger is the best sauce.
- Prepare for the worst.
- Is there a bear?
No! I think my hunger has passed.
Thank the builder for me.
And buy me some aluminum acetate.
I'm going home.
Young men may die but old men must die.
My husband was your son.
He'll ask you up there if his
wife and son are taken care of.
You're almost 70.
How long do you think you'll live?
Barbora and I went to make
purchases in town.
The shop assistant thought
we were married.
As I see it, it was quite
a nice misunderstanding.
And Miss Barbora didn't
seem to mind, either.
Do not enter.
It enters itself.
Why was Bellerophon never
able to catch Pegasus?
- Someone has to come with me!
- Where?
Up there.
- The single rooms are all occupied.
- Put your dressing gown on.
People who jump off trams will be
immediately caught by the police!
- The director's writing his will.
- Grandpa is a wise man!
He's not in a fit state to
decide about his estate.
I hope you're not implying that
grandpa is of unsound mind.
The director has made his decision.
His relatives will be satisfied.
- Everyone will be taken care of.
- Not everyone! Does he realize this?
The director has left his entire
estate to charity. It's generous, isn't it?
- Don't jump! It's not high enough!
- Milou! We're leaving!
I'm going to have that will
invalidated.
I hope you're not implying that
grandpa is of unsound mind.
Madam!
She's gone mad. There we have it!
I never asked you for anything in
30 years. But I have a request now.
I'd like Saturnin to stay with me.
We've got a plan.
You may have noticed, how often
books state that young men stick
out their chin, prepared for battle.
Try it and see the nonsense!
Human anatomy rules out
this posture.
We've found 120 examples
of such a nonsense.
And we've only gone through
one volume in the library.
Don't look at the driver
while the car is moving!
Talking is not allowed
but looking is.
In this car it's the other way round.
- May I invite you somewhere?
- Yes.
- When?
- Anytime.
- Wednesday at three at the National?
- Do I need to wear a life jacket?
Last time, I wrote to you about the
Public Plot Probability Office.
Anyone can write to us who thinks
the author takes him for a fool.
He sends us the text and we tell
him the truth of the matter.
Here's an example:
A blue cloud of cigar smoke rose above
the desk of Dubsk, the industrialist.
He received Slma the clerk coldly.
But Slma was choking with anger.
He was trembling like a leaf.
He discovered his boss intended to
marry off his daughter to a banker.
Slma cried: You villain!
- What did you say?
- You're a villain and an egotist!
Your daughter loves me! You're forcing
her into marriage because of money!
I won't let that happen!
Slma banged his fist on the table.
Dubsk the industrialist went pale.
The Public Plot Probability Office
discovered the following:
The industrialist was not Dubsk
but Mikulka. He'd had a hard day.
A blue cloud of cigarette smoke rose
above his desk.
He received Slma in a normal fashion.
The clerk couldn't speak for anger.
- Illvain!
- What did you say?
Illvain! So get it!
Your laughter moves me!
I won't this flatten.
I won't this flatten!
The industrialist was afraid for
his employee's sanity.
Later on it was clarified that
the industrialist had 2 daughters.
The older one will marry
a banker she loved.
The younger one doesn't
want to marry yet.
If she decides to marry Slma,
her father won't obstruct.
Our Office hereby states that
only the cloud of smoke is true.
- Guess who?
- Good afternoon, Barbora.
- What would you like?
- Coffee and something sweet.
Waiter, the lady would like
a coffee and some doughnuts.
- Doughnuts?
- Yes, doughnuts.
Every story should end with a wedding.
So I won't disappoint you.
A wedding was held in St Anthony's
for aunt Katerina.
You have decided before
Almighty God
to accept the holy state
of matrimony.
I know I was well advised
to offer you this story.
But if you take me for being impertinent
I cannot let this calumny lie.
If it seems that I impose upon you,
Accept me or not, as the case may be.
You can always send me to the place
no-one likes to go.
Don't look upon my grey hair,
I don't even know if I have any.
So long as the spotlights and stage exist,
I could sorely part with them.
presents
I know I would be well advised
to offer you a cocktail.
Screenplay
But if you take me for being impertinent
I cannot let this calumny lie.
Director of Photography
Directed by
If it seems that I impose upon you,
Accept me or not, as the case may be.
You can always send me to the place
no-one likes to go.
Dr Vlach and I meet in the
coffee-house every Sunday
and we had no reason
to change this habit
despite a lot of changes
happened to me.
Last week I hired a man-servant,
even though it may seem odd to many.
His name is Saturnin and
I very much liked
his appearance as well as
his decent demeanour.
Thanks to him my life is now filled
with new experiences and surprises.
For me, life was like suddenly stepping
on a sledge hidden under snow.
In such a situation, it is
possible to maintain a cool head
head but not the balance nor to
protect the backside.
Nevertheless it was not displeasing and
I think it was all worth.
Bang!
You'd be a good target, a very good one.
But no-one here would
be capable of such an originality.
You mean harpooning whales or
a championship in shooting
earthen pigeons?
I appreciate your sense of humour.
Honestly, I always had the opinion
that you were rather a lunkhead.
Coffee, coffee, soda water,
soda water, ashtray!
And surprisingly, you are not.
Humanity can be divided according to
the "caf-man-doughnuts bowl" theory.
The first man,
who has no sense of humour,
will just look at a plate of doughnuts
perhaps even till lunch.
The second one entertains
himself by thinking about
someone bombing the
others with the doughnuts.
The third one is so fascinated
by the idea
that he gets up and starts throwing.
Oh no!
Such people don't exist, I hope.
Then where would you place Saturnin?
- Excuse me.
- No!
Excuse me, madam.
Let me inform you sir,
that we have moved.
We're living on a boat now
near the Legions' Bridge.
Fine, Saturnin. Thank you.
Near the Legions' Bridge?
Not a chance!
It would suit him, if I fainted!
No, I won't be taken in by him.
I wonder about your conservative
way of understanding the world:
You think that, if you had a flat
this morning, you need to have it now.
Anyway, your old, calm and romantic
flat was like a primeval cave.
And your fondness of it
is just a heritage from
your cave-dwelling ancestors.
- Your flat has a ponderous air about it.
- You exaggerate as usually, doctor.
I've brought you some doughnuts
for your journey, Mr. Oulick.
Thank you.
And I got so much accustomed to you...
The man, who calls you
"The beatified" and "My lord",
Mr. Saturnin told me
you're going to the North Pole
and that he has to
clean your weapons.
Don't distress yourself, I'll send
you a postcard of a polar bear.
A polar bear?
Welcome, captain.
The boat's ready, dinner is prepared.
Let me take those. Doughnuts
will be served with coffee.
Your boat, your favorite armchair,
your dinner. Bon appetite.
- It is the steamboat Prague.
- Does this earthquake happen often?
Twice a day.
But usually the horn is sounded
before the bridge and
there is time to prepare.
Better to flee to dry land.
- Would you like the lights on?
- Yes, please.
But if it means swinging
or sinking the boat,
I would rather dine in the dark.
It is quite romantic.
Would you like a candle, gas lamp
or just an electric light?
I have not seen any
electric cables.
I suppose they're submerged.
Is it safe?
We are not dependent on
power plants, captain.
I think I'd prefer the gas lamp
in the end.
By the way, recently my friends
started asking me strange questions.
My friends think I hunt beasts of prey.
Or they want me to talk about
killing a shark with
a camera tripod.
My boss asked me to sell him
a crocodile tooth.
When I excused for
not having any,
he asked me to remember him
during the next expedition.
I do not hunt neither tigers nor sharks.
And I am terrified by crocodiles.
I would very much appreciate
if you stopped
convincing my friends
of such nonsense.
That will be difficult.
They believe
you shot all these animals.
Is anyone down there?
Are you down there, Mr. Oulick?
- I'm looking for Mr. Ji Oulick.
- How can I help you?
I'm coming down.
Thanks God I found you!
Marcus Aurelius has escaped.
Please, follow me. For sure we can
catch him with your help.
A man of unsound mind!
I'm not sure I understand.
Don't be so modest.
Who else than you?
Just don't forget
to get your rifle.
- You'd better not be involved in this!
- I swear to you that I am not.
But I think you ought to help that man.
- But he's deranged!
- Who, Marcus Aurelius?
Both of them.
- Haven't you got a weapon?
- No.
Mr. Oulick.
I'm the director of the zoo. I admire
your willingness and courage.
I'm sorry I didn't see you catch
the lion with your bare hands.
Next time, hopefully.
- Thank you, once again.
- I thank you, too.
- Saturnin, Marcus Aurelius is a lioness.
- No-one's perfect, sir.
- Few women have straight legs, eh?
- They need you on court, boy.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
My partner hasn't arrived and
yours neither, as I see.
Shall we have a game,
we should not be lying idle!
I'd be very glad to.
- You play without a racket?
- No, of course, sorry.
Are you ready?
- Shall we take a break?
- In the middle of the set?
We need to rest, have a drink...
Do you also take rests
when you're hunting a beast?
In that case, it's quite the opposite.
It's a training wall, sir.
As far as I am concerned,
it is a faux-pas
to went down 3:0
with Miss Terebov.
My God, Saturnin!
Where did you learn to play tennis?
I used to coach a certain
lady in Nice for some time.
I wouldn't be surprised at all
to know that
you are a champion
in swimming under ice.
The play of tennis is based on sending
a ball on the opponent's side
as swiftly as possible and
as low as possible over the net,
which is this line on the wall
in our case,...
... which we'll have to make higher.
I'm going to play billiards, I'll dine out.
Postpone all disasters at tomorrow,
and don't move us anywhere else,
if I can ask.
To be honest,
you surprised me.
Your new flat speaks of
courage and a sporting spirit.
Do you know how many boats
sink each year?
But all of them do not sink on
the Vltava river, don't they?
No, but all of them
hit the bottom.
The ship's boiler might also explode
blowing up the crew far and wide.
Our boat hasn't got a boiler.
My uncle Frantiek was
the last explosives expert.
God rest his soul.
Do you remember his
most famous explosion?
Even months after that I was
approaching a soap with
my face turned away and
shivers running down my spine.
Uncle Frantiek had a laboratory
smelling with dangerous inflammables.
And he was a husband of
my aunt Kateina.
To make fine soap from fine
materials is not an art.
But to make soap from filth and grime
lying everywhere around
is a task for real scientists!
Mr. vitora,
you will hold this vessel.
Mr. Vn, screw on
the compressed oxygen pipe.
But carefully!
And you, gentlemen,
you pour this in there
when I say.
And you, Mr. Vn, turn the
valve in the right moment.
- Will it turn out as soap, sir?
- Blast it, if I know.
Originally he had 20 employees,
but only a few had enough imagination.
In this time, only
the most loyal remained,
who believed that Waterloo
can only happen once in history.
- Really, gentlemen!
- You said there'd be a blast!
I'm making soap, not dynamite.
We are respectable company.
I was just fulminating!
It wasn't meant so literal.
His staff then said that
they had families
and had gone to find safer
work in an explosives factory.
What are we waiting for?
- Can I help you, madam?
- Put my luggage on the boat!
I am an aunt of Ji and
you can call me a lady.
I fear you are not expected.
Welcome a guest and you
welcome God.
My version of that proverb
is somewhat different.
Welcome on board, old chap!
Don't "old chap" me when you can't
even do up your pajamas properly.
Ji!
I was absolutely desperate.
Sun is always the best medicine, Ji.
It's too dark in our flat and the spa's
too expensive. And Milou is so ill...
There's fresh air and sun on a boat.
He'll be right as rain here.
The more the merrier.
Two heads are better than one.
- Too many cooks spoil the broth.
- This is my man-servant, Saturnin.
I have already had the honour
to meet him.
- No smoking on board, boy.
- Who asked you?
I really did not want to offend you.
Your man-servant has
a bit strange manners, hasn't he?
I am afraid, my dear aunt, that
this boat is too small for four people.
As long as my dear husband was still alive
supplying the whole family with floor wax,
nobody dared to deny help to me.
However the wood was turning
black after applying the wax
and sorry for saying it straight,
the floor disgustingly stank.
Give a dog a bad name...
Anyway, it's a nice boat.
I'll mend the sail tomorrow.
This boat does not run
on a sail, but on a propeller.
Your boat hasn't got a sail,
my nephew?
We have to buy a sail for the pole!
Poles are used for putting out flags
during important ceremonies.
The thing, which sails lift onto,
is called a mast.
There is nothing on this boat, a sail could be
lifted on. This boat doesn't have a mast.
Oh my dear, that's true.
I'm tired, anyway. Let's go to bed.
Good night.
Milou!
Dr Vlach says that if we find
the idyll, we'll stop appreciating it.
Fate would be doing us a good turn
if it suddenly turned frosty.
Fate threw me out of my cabin.
I can only miss the frost out here.
Do I understand it well,
that you would feel relief,
if your aunt and Milou
decided to leave the boat?
It is night and
they're in their pajamas.
I can't imagine their departure
to occur without casualties.
It's half past ten.
By midnight your boat will be empty.
- Is that you, Milou?
- What?
I am very sorry to disturb you, but based on the experience
of previous nights, I've brought you some masks.
Is there a carnival going on, or what?
Not really. We've got rats here, who
enjoy scampering across faces of sleepers.
My recommendation is to put on
these masks during the whole night
to prevent direct contact with those animals.
You've got rats here?
I prefer rather not to talk about it,
but in fact you are absolutely right.
Milou!
I give it one minute,
two at most.
Some are wise, some are otherwise.
You just needed to say the word.
To finding Advent masks in July
was one of the most diffucult tasks
I have ever performed.
- What if she hadn't believed us?
- I would have gone to find some rats.
This would not be as difficult.
Life is wonderful!
- What's happening, Saturnin?
- I fear we've encountered a weir!
- What weir?
- The big one, by Charles Bridge.
- Is this boat insured?
- Of course.
- Where's the next weir?
- Near tvanice, but that one's hefty.
- Did he really say 50 years?
- Yes, but on 3 conditions.
That we sail to the North Pole at least once,
that we name the boat after his fiance
and that we name the first land
we discover after him.
What is his fiance called?
Lili, I think. Or Fifi?
Nonetheless they're about to separate.
He'll let us know when he
finds another fiance.
I decided to go on holiday to see my
grandpa, who used to run a power station.
Actually he was a member of any club
which had anything to do with electricity.
I loved visiting him at the power station
or at his home, which was 100% electrified.
It fascinated me as a boy and I must confess
that it keeps fascinating me until now.
The director wishes you the best of
health and sends you this brandy.
Gentlemen don't drink alcohol before noon.
Not even on holiday!
That is true.
But something terrible has happened!
Don't trifle with me, Saturnin.
Is it really that bad?
Yes. We have a saying: There's no
stopping a woman with a mission.
Aunt Katerina and Milou
have just arrived.
I do not mind
if he wants someone to serve him...
But I insist on Saturnin
not to behave like a lout to me!
Dear aunt, Saturnin was
invited to this house; unlike some.
Saturnin, you didn't greet aunt Katerina?
I clearly remember saying:
"My dear, how do you do."
No! He screw up his face and said:
"Oh dear, how do you do".
- So he did, then.
- This is dreadful!
- I'm going for a walk.
- I'll help the director in his garage.
Milou!
Welcome. Grandpa said he'd be long
dead before you got here.
He'll only die if his greedy heirs
finish him off.
Not this time. Grandpa wants to
accelerate his departure from this world.
This morning, Saturnin was
asked to teach grandpa jujitsu.
Breathe slowly and take the basic posture...
It may not be jujitsu, but
it might work on aunt Katerina.
- She's here as well?
- She's everywhere.
- Welcome. I'm not doing so well.
- But you look better.
How's the jujitsu going?
- Tumitsu, Saturnin?
- Haisatsu is better, sir.
Tumitsu is not bad, but
Haisatsu will be much more effective.
Haisatsu!
Are you all right?
I've got two broken legs, a few broken
ribs and concussion.
Oh no, I think I've
just sprained my ankle.
- What kind of hold is this?
- First aid, sir.
- Has Miss Terebov arrived?
- Which Miss Terebov?
My friend engineer Tereba's daughter.
A nice young lady.
I forgot to pack your tennis racket.
- Plaster is unwelcome on holiday, isn't it?
- Miss Barbora has arrived.
- Let's have a look, then.
- Are you going to X-ray my right foot?
- Yes.
- But I injured the left one.
Yes of course... We need to take both
legs so we can compare them.
- Ouch!
- Sorry, I didn't catch that.
Dr Zajek is very thorough. He says
it's nothing. Perhaps he's right.
- Sorry to disturb. We're ready to go.
- Have you got a permit to leave?
- No.
- You have to get one from the office. Right?
- Where is the office?
- There's no-one there now.
- How do we obtain a permit, then?
- You get one from the office.
- From whom, if no-one's there?
- No-one.
But they conveyed us here,
so must must be some permit.
Yes, but this is just for the journey to hospital.
That's what ambulances are for.
Ambulance is used for a quick transport,
when the patient is in danger.
- Is the driver a relative of yours?
- No. Why?
I'm still trying to negotiate here.
You might hear someone in distress.
In such a case, pretend deafness.
The vehicle's just standing idle
and the journey takes just half an hour.
This option is excluded. I would have to
register it as the patient's journey.
But then I would be missing the patient.
You'll be the patient soon!
You will be partly in the surgical and
partly in psychiatric department.
Just write in the permit that one of
the parts hasn't survive the journey!
Where have you been? It's going to rain!
- It's dangerous. Will we get through?
- Of course we will.
If this was a film, the bridge would
be swept away by the water
and the flesh splits a hundred years old lime
growing on the river side.
Perhaps you really did kill
that shark.
Once a child, always a child!
I told him he'd catch a chill!
- Like water off a duck's back!
- Right. But what are you talking about?
Grandpa took his raincoat and
boots and went out into the storm.
He's just curious. He wants to see
the competition making electricity.
It's the last straw that
breaks the camel's back.
Well, the bridge is broken.
Cook's on the other side.
This place is suitable as a power
station but not a house.
Milou, Milou, my boy.
What have you got growing there?
Better hold a hankie in front
of your face.
I'm expecting an important letter.
The postman has to get through!
The electricity's not working.
- Someone's got to see to the kitchen.
- I'll go and have a look.
I can't swim, but I had better swam over
the river than having Kateina as the cook.
I'll find some alternative lighting.
Alternative lighting? In this house?
I'm going to make some torches.
It's raining and there's no electricity.
At least Barbora's here.
Miss Terebov permitted you
to call her Barbora?
Don't be silly. She hasn't gone unnoticed.
You take a fancy to twenty-somethings?
You're too old for that.
I bet you that by the end of the week...
- Help! His whiskers are on fire!
- Get some water!
- Not water! Sand!
- Sand!
How would you act, Saturnin,
having received an unusual request?
I am longing my whole life
to receive unusual requests.
We agreed that Saturnin would
pursue Milou relentlessly
on land, at sea and in the air
using any fraud possible
out of revenge for Milou referring
to Miss Terebov in that manner.
Did grandpa really ask Milou
to go out and look for worms?
It seems impossible to go
fishing in a swollen river.
He was not that accurate, but
he said exactly that idleness
could destroy a young man completely.
Chess rules do not permit
long and short castling.
I know! I'll put it back.
I doubt that the young lady could cook.
I've brought you some stewed fruit.
I do not want stewed fruit.
I want to play chess!
Chess requires concentration.
Impossible with aunt Katerina around.
What about a glass of milk?
I'll leave you, then.
- I've got some worms.
- I do not want worms. I want to play chess!
- Check.
- Those are my figures, my grandpa.
- No!
- Yes! The table is laid.
Who shut Milou in his room?
Silence speaks louder than words.
When I met Saturnin,
he had only the best references.
Except for the last one,
which was missing completely.
You either stand too far
away to hear me,
or you stand too near
so that it is socially unacceptable.
Please, find the optimal distance
and keep it. Eh...
Yes, I wanted a rose and
this is a rose in fact.
but totally unseemly for a person of my age
and for the color of my dress.
Simply un-seem-ly!
It's disgraceful serving me
meringue at my age!
No, no! Absolutely not!
The table is laid.
- Lunch was excellent, Miss Barbora.
- You have our appreciation.
- We need food, let's go mushrooming!
- Wonderful idea!
- Easy won, easy lost.
- Go elsewhere if you don't like it.
- Old people shouldn't eat mushrooms.
- Then don't eat them!
- We won't find any mushrooms like this.
- We must split into two groups.
We'll draw for it.
Give me some matches.
Those who draw the same
length will pair up.
And the oldest draw first.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry.
No head on mine!
We keep choosing but we still
come back to the first variant.
- No head on mine, either.
- Come on, Ji.
Just as well we found so many mushrooms.
Auntie gave all the food to Milou.
- Don't you want jam on those?
- Did they leave us any?
I sense optimism.
That's a good thing.
How many days do we have before
one of us has to brave the water
and cross the river to get food?
Ji, don't look at me!
3 to 4 days. If we do not eat much.
No need to worry, I've arranged
with the builder
that if the old bridge is washed away
he'll build a new one immediately.
Allow me, young man.
- You did that on purpose!
- I am neither malicious nor spiteful.
Sit on it properly, silly boy!
Only my chair collapses, twice in a row.
And during the night someone's
been moving my furniture about.
I got nearly killed, when I needed...
to go out of my room.
My birch water was replaced
with paraffin!
Someone put a wasp in my boots
and it bit me!
- Wasps don't bite!
- Well, this one did!
People get cabin fever
when they're always together.
Like us. Let's go on an outing
to my log cabin, then.
We can spend the night in the
log cabin and then go into town.
Whoever wants can stay here and
we'll bury him when we get back.
- What if someone doesn't last out?
- We'll throw him to the wild animals.
Or we might directly shoot him.
- Don't know what group I belong in.
- Don't use your tennis as a gauge.
Sorry, I thought you were a robber.
- Get off, Saturnin!
- Sorry, sir.
Why are you fighting?
Who broke that vase?
Who gave Milou a weapon?
Who's ringing the doorbell?
I put a match there so we'd know
when the electricity was working.
- I can hear someone talking.
- It's in Spanish.
I am sorry to say it, but
all the food's disappeared!
Let's ask Saturnin.
We don't bring the servants into this.
But we all pleaded not guilty
and so he's the only suspect now.
Who would suspect Saturnin?
You make your bed, you lie in it.
[a row of meaningless sayings]
Just as long as we don't end up
serving Saturnin.
- No use crying over spilt milk.
- Someone drank the milk, not spilt.
I've got an important letter waiting
for me and we're arguing about food!
I am reporting that no-one has
started building a new bridge yet.
Someone driven by hunger, which
may be rightful, but hardly justifiable,
has eaten all the food.
Do you know anything about it?
- This is getting ridiculous!
- Don't interfere, Katerina!
Please, let me leave now.
Madam Katerina will tell you herself.
- Let's talk in private.
- You can talk here.
Nothing, in such a case!
- Call Saturnin back.
- Saturnin took the food...
...on my order.
Whenever there's danger,
women and children have to go first!
So, you want to leave the weaker
of us to the wild beasts.
Milou and I were hungry. We thought
we wouldn't make the journey.
That's why we ate everything!
I didn't know mother took the food...
...stole in fact. I'm sorry for eating it.
I'm not a child and I don't want
any mercy to be taken on me.
Our mistake. We made light of
a danger which poses no threat.
I wanted to ask you Milou,
if you could take my knapsack?
Goes without saying.
- There's a deer over there.
- Where?
- Between the beech trees.
- I can't see it.
- You have to look from here.
- It's wonderful!
You're like a young man again!
A sound mind in a healthy body.
You mustn't believe all those proverbs.
I know a man taken five times to a
hospital. Always badly bitten by a dog.
He thought a dog's bark
is worse than his bite.
A friend of mine stayed here and
he said he'd leave the key here.
Dear doctor, I appreciate your
sense of humor.
In Prague you said climbing trees
is extremely beneficial.
I thought it's just another metaphor.
Then I didn't find the key but a note
saying the key was up in a tree.
I suspected the worst.
It wasn't 5 meters, but 7 meters up.
Driven by anger, I firstly tried to climb
the tree with a rucksack on my back.
But it turned out well in the end.
I spent a lovely week here.
I am repaying it in your style.
Follow my example and your pool
will make you an Olympian.
I wish you good diving.
The key is in the pool.
- How deep is it?
- About 2 meters.
- 3 meters? 4 perhaps?
- It's not that deep.
- Come on, doctor. Jump!
- Jump what?
One, two, three, jump.
Uaaah!
For goodness sake!
That was a terrible dive!
Some people love water
and nobody can stop them.
Is this the one, doctor?
I'm going to make a speech!
It was all uphill yesterday, my friends.
Today it's all downhill.
Your effort will be rewarded! When
we get to the town we'll dine in style.
Hooray!
Aah!
- Hang on, grandpa!
- It'll be all right. Pull it gently.
- Upwards?
- No, pull to the right!
No, gently move it to the left!
Why don't you all pull your leg?
You'll tear me up!
I told you: Don't count your chickens
before you're out of the woods!
Wouldn't it be nice to spend
the night here, my friends?
Don't be ridiculous!
There's nothing else for it.
Madam, your blanket.
You take two blankets.
You're injured.
- Where did you get the blankets?
- In my rucksack.
- Are you going to do your speech now?
- Yes: "Good night!"
- We've got a hard day tomorrow.
- Good night.
You ought to have a shave.
- What's the matter, Milou?
- I saw you.
Let's hasten in search of
the Sokol banner.
May our land be troubled
until the battle ceases.
Each stand in their place
so long as the battle wages.
He who renounces his land, the blade
will find his traitorous chest!
- Are you going to have a wash?
- No, and I'm not shaving, either.
Great idea, Saturnin.
I should have remembered as well.
- I've got a bottle like that in the cabin.
- I know, this is it, doctor.
Hunger is the best sauce.
- Prepare for the worst.
- Is there a bear?
No! I think my hunger has passed.
Thank the builder for me.
And buy me some aluminum acetate.
I'm going home.
Young men may die but old men must die.
My husband was your son.
He'll ask you up there if his
wife and son are taken care of.
You're almost 70.
How long do you think you'll live?
Barbora and I went to make
purchases in town.
The shop assistant thought
we were married.
As I see it, it was quite
a nice misunderstanding.
And Miss Barbora didn't
seem to mind, either.
Do not enter.
It enters itself.
Why was Bellerophon never
able to catch Pegasus?
- Someone has to come with me!
- Where?
Up there.
- The single rooms are all occupied.
- Put your dressing gown on.
People who jump off trams will be
immediately caught by the police!
- The director's writing his will.
- Grandpa is a wise man!
He's not in a fit state to
decide about his estate.
I hope you're not implying that
grandpa is of unsound mind.
The director has made his decision.
His relatives will be satisfied.
- Everyone will be taken care of.
- Not everyone! Does he realize this?
The director has left his entire
estate to charity. It's generous, isn't it?
- Don't jump! It's not high enough!
- Milou! We're leaving!
I'm going to have that will
invalidated.
I hope you're not implying that
grandpa is of unsound mind.
Madam!
She's gone mad. There we have it!
I never asked you for anything in
30 years. But I have a request now.
I'd like Saturnin to stay with me.
We've got a plan.
You may have noticed, how often
books state that young men stick
out their chin, prepared for battle.
Try it and see the nonsense!
Human anatomy rules out
this posture.
We've found 120 examples
of such a nonsense.
And we've only gone through
one volume in the library.
Don't look at the driver
while the car is moving!
Talking is not allowed
but looking is.
In this car it's the other way round.
- May I invite you somewhere?
- Yes.
- When?
- Anytime.
- Wednesday at three at the National?
- Do I need to wear a life jacket?
Last time, I wrote to you about the
Public Plot Probability Office.
Anyone can write to us who thinks
the author takes him for a fool.
He sends us the text and we tell
him the truth of the matter.
Here's an example:
A blue cloud of cigar smoke rose above
the desk of Dubsk, the industrialist.
He received Slma the clerk coldly.
But Slma was choking with anger.
He was trembling like a leaf.
He discovered his boss intended to
marry off his daughter to a banker.
Slma cried: You villain!
- What did you say?
- You're a villain and an egotist!
Your daughter loves me! You're forcing
her into marriage because of money!
I won't let that happen!
Slma banged his fist on the table.
Dubsk the industrialist went pale.
The Public Plot Probability Office
discovered the following:
The industrialist was not Dubsk
but Mikulka. He'd had a hard day.
A blue cloud of cigarette smoke rose
above his desk.
He received Slma in a normal fashion.
The clerk couldn't speak for anger.
- Illvain!
- What did you say?
Illvain! So get it!
Your laughter moves me!
I won't this flatten.
I won't this flatten!
The industrialist was afraid for
his employee's sanity.
Later on it was clarified that
the industrialist had 2 daughters.
The older one will marry
a banker she loved.
The younger one doesn't
want to marry yet.
If she decides to marry Slma,
her father won't obstruct.
Our Office hereby states that
only the cloud of smoke is true.
- Guess who?
- Good afternoon, Barbora.
- What would you like?
- Coffee and something sweet.
Waiter, the lady would like
a coffee and some doughnuts.
- Doughnuts?
- Yes, doughnuts.
Every story should end with a wedding.
So I won't disappoint you.
A wedding was held in St Anthony's
for aunt Katerina.
You have decided before
Almighty God
to accept the holy state
of matrimony.
I know I was well advised
to offer you this story.
But if you take me for being impertinent
I cannot let this calumny lie.
If it seems that I impose upon you,
Accept me or not, as the case may be.
You can always send me to the place
no-one likes to go.
Don't look upon my grey hair,
I don't even know if I have any.
So long as the spotlights and stage exist,
I could sorely part with them.